Podcast appearances and mentions of karen bonnell

Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/ Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new Join The Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/295562197518469/ In this episode, Shane talks with Karen Bonnell about co-parenting. Karen is the Author of The Co-Parenting Handbook and The Stepfamily Handbook, and has culled her knowledge and skills from 40 years as a psychotherapist & psychiatric nurse practitioner to inform her guidance for parents and families in transition. Hear how to do what's best for the kids, how to cooperate with your co-parent, how to navigate bringing a new partner into the mix, why there's no such thing as perfect parents, and how to focus on connection before correction.  To learn more about Karen Bonnell and check out The Co-Parenting Handbook and The Stepfamily Handbook, visit: KarenSBonnell.com KarenSBonnell.com/Karens-Books   You can also listen to Karen on Episode 36 & Episode 73 of The Couples Therapist Couch

Stepparenting is not hard because you're doing it wrong. Stepparenting is hard because it's an entirely different family structure and dynamic than we've experienced before. Today, I'm joined by arguably the foremost expert on stepfamily dynamics, Dr. Patricia Papernow, to discuss 5 challenges stepfamilies face. We're normalizing the challenges you struggle with and talking all about what works and what doesn't work!Dr. Patricia Papernow is an internationally recognized expert on stepfamilies. She teaches all over the U.S. and the world about best practices for meeting stepfamily challenges integrating the now considerable research with her own four-plus decades of clinical work. She loves putting this good information into the hands of people in stepfamilies!  Patricia has written dozens of articles and book chapters and has authored the leading books in the field: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't, and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family.” She is the recipient of awards for Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology from the American Psychological Association and the award for Distinguished Contribution to Family Therapy Theory and Practice from the American Family Therapy Academy.Links Mentioned:stepfamilyrelationships.comSurviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't Book (affiliate): https://amzn.to/3PLSuYkThe Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family” Book (affiliate): https://amzn.to/48IKC2yReady to create a stepmom life you love? Grab my FREE GUIDE 15 Ways to Become a Happier Stepmom Overnight: https://stepmomming.com/happierLet's work together: https://stepmomming.com/quick-links/Join our FREE support group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/stepmommingainteasyFREE WEBINAR: Help! I don't Like My Stepkids! on March 25th. Save Your Seat Now at https://stepmomming.myflodesk.com/webinar.

In this week's NEW episode of Welcome To The Other Side we learn about flipping between the "spouse mind" and the "parent mind" in order to best support our kids.  Drawing from invaluable wisdom shared by Karen Bonnell (author and co-parenting expert), I unpack the divorce emotional rollercoaster of resentment, blame, and grief you might experience WHILE striving to prioritize stability for your kiddos.  I'll share helpful examples of age-appropriate communication so that you can ensure kids feel safe and supported during divorce's turbulent times.  Discover how to shift gears from blaming to nurturing, for your benefit and your kids'. Tune in and embrace the spouse-parent mindset shift.  Happy listening! //CONNECT WITH MEG For support navigating divorce, life after divorce or challenging co-parenting relationships, check out Meg's coaching for individual parents: https://meggluckman.com/ Come say hi on Instagram too! --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/welcometotheotherside/message

Co-parenting expert Karen Bonnell comes by to chat about her fabulous resource of a book: "The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation." Meg pulls out some of her favorite concepts and she and Karen dive deep into them. Including: Moving from a spouse brain to a parenting brain The I-5 & I-405 analogy Our lightening-strike moments How co-parenting evolves and changes over the years Do kids need the truth, actually no.  and more! Tune in and absorb all Karen's wisdom from working with hundreds of parents. // Learn more about Karen & her co-parenting resources: https://karensbonnell.com/ // Learn more about Meg's coaching & how to work with her: https://linktr.ee/meggluckmancoaching --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/welcometotheotherside/message

Today I am joined by consultant, mentor, and writer Karen Bonnell. She is author of The Co-Parenting Handbook, which helps parents work through the end of their relationship with their children in mind. Karen talks with us about teasing apart your marriage relationship into a co-parenting relationship. She gives great tips and strategies from her book and tells how to keep the focus on your children. Tune in today to hear refreshing ideas, learn skills, and understand the possibilities to build a strong co-parenting relationship. In this episode: [2:37] What led Karen down the path to help families co-parent better? [5:31] What made Karen write her book The Co-Parenting Handbook?[8:44] Karen shares key take-a-ways from her book. [12:00] How do you start to tease apart your marriage relationship to a co-parenting relationship? [14:40] How can you best communicate with your soon to be ex spouse when you are feeling triggered? [20:34] How do you keep focus on the child? [22:07] Karen shares the most important strategy she uses with co-parents. [26:26] Karen shares a final piece of advice that listeners can start with today.  Key Takeaways:  When you are splitting up from your spouse, you can no longer have a conversation like you are married. Set up time to discuss a topic and stick to only that topic. A meeting to discuss the children, a meeting to discuss assets, etc. Remember that co-parenting is not an option. It is going to happen either way, so put your child(ren) in the focus and make decisions that will benefit them. Take into account not only your feelings but the feeling that your soon to be ex is also experiencing. Find compassion, and take a step away when you notice that they are feeling triggered.  Quotes:  “Co-parenting is not an option. The question isn't whether we're going to co-parent, the question is how skillfully will I show up as a co-parent.” - Karen Bonnell “I can learn the skills, I'm gonna show up, that's my gift to my children, it's the best I can do.” - Karen Bonnell “We sit in this fire, we work with the fire, we calm down the fire, and then we take those zims and we rebuild the family. It's this time it's gonna be a two home family. We're not gonna let it just lay there in ashes. We're gonna cultivate something that's really gonna help children thrive.” - Karen Bonnell Guest Bio:  Karen will help you answer the question, “What's best for kids?” …and build a firm foundation as you restructure your family. Parents receive guidance for how to keep kids central and parenting strong – even under difficult circumstances. Karen has culled her knowledge and skills from 40 years as a psychotherapist / psychiatric nurse practitioner (retired) to inform today's coaching: Her ability to provide you not only a safe harbor to explore concerns, but also to gain insight into best practices as you plan for two-home family life and beyond … even as you begin dating again or creating a stepfamily. For professionals, Karen is available for consultation anytime you hope that two heads will be better than one. There may be information, resources, referrals you need – don't hesitate to ask. If you're a representative of a group, organization or law firm seeking advanced training – forward-thinking methodologies and skills – Karen's nationally sought-after programs are described under Mentoring Services. Please reach out with questions and for additional information. Resources:  Karen S Bonnell's Website The Co-Parenting Handbook Lesa Koski Website Lesa's Online Courses To receive real-time alerts that your child is safe and to receive $50 off your Soberlink device, visit https://www.soberlink.com/partners/different The Onward app was made for divorced parents to help track, share, and split their children's expenses. Download The Onward App today for iOS or Android!

This episode is a continuation of the last episode where I shared the news of something I've been moving through in my personal life. In this episode, we explore: -The collective archetype of Divorce and why it's important to be aware of it. - The perils, pitfalls, and disempowerment that go hand-in-hand with the blame game and victimhood.- How to resist the ego's bait and return to the heart when we're feeling hurt, betrayed, resentful, scared, etc.- How to implement heart-led boundaries (as opposed to boundaries formed out of fear) and why boundaries are a necessary precursor to compassion.- Why eliminating fear isn't the solution to our discomfort (as well as the true solution).- How to leverage the transformative power of pain and heartbreak to return to our innate wholeness.Please don't hesitate to reach out through my website if you're going through a difficult time, too. Useful WisdomWhen Things Fall Apart by Pema ChödrönHow to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorteRising Strong by Brené BrownThe Gifts of Imperfection by Brené BrownRadical Compassion by Tara BrachThe Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan WattsHomecoming by John BradshawConscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward ThomasThe Co-Parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links supports The Soul Horizon at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for entertainment and informational purposes only and does not substitute individual psychological advice.

In this episode, I share about something that's been going on for me personally. It's an emotional one with lots of voice trembling, nervous laughter, and deep breaths, all of which I've left in and unedited for the sake of authenticity. Let your intuition guide you, and please feel free to skip this one if you're in a delicate space yourself or if you're not interested in more personal shares.Please don't hesitate to reach out through my website if you're going through a difficult time, too. Useful WisdomWhen Things Fall Apart by Pema ChödrönHow to Be Loving by Danielle LaPorteRising Strong by Brené BrownThe Gifts of Imperfection by Brené BrownRadical Compassion by Tara BrachThe Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan WattsHomecoming by John BradshawConscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward ThomasThe Co-Parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little*This is an affiliate link. Purchasing through affiliate links supports The Soul Horizon at no extra cost to you. Thanks for your support!Disclaimer: This podcast is intended for entertainment and informational purposes only and does not substitute individual psychological advice.

Thinking about introducing the new love of your life to your kiddos?  Wait! Before you do, listen to this episode!!   This week we have special guest Heather Harman, a co-parent coach, stepfamily coach, and parent educator. She has trained with and continues to use the guiding principles of her mentor, Karen Bonnell. Heather has an MA in Education and uses her knowledge of child development, parent education, and mediation to guide her clients in the direction of what is best for the family.   Tune in to hear sage advice from Heather including: Having big convos with your new partner before any introductions Why you will never be replaced by your Ex's new partner How to introduce a new partner in an age-appropriate way to your child Why we can't apply the Gottman approach of partner relationships-before-kids in a stepfamily setting and why you might want to give your Ex a heads up that you're on the dating apps Even if you're not ready to make introductions yet, listen so that you have all the tools once you do!  // Connect with Heather: Website: heatherharmancoaching.com Instagram: @harmancoaching Facebook: Heather Harman Coaching  // Connect with Meg To learn about Meg's free resources and here 1-1 Coaching practice for moms after divorce, visit https://linktr.ee/meggluckmancoaching --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/welcometotheotherside/message

In episode two of the ADHDads podcast, we tell our stories of co-parenting. Co-parenting is a challenging blessing we are called to succeed at if we are in a shared custody partnership. How do you have a successful co-parenting relationship? Listen to our story, and please reach out to us if you have questions or would be interested in some one-on-one coaching time to help you achieve the next level of love and success in your co-parenting relationship. Show Notes Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss The Co-Parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little Co-Parenting Works! by Tammy Daughtry Make Peace With Anyone by David J. Lieberman --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/theadhdads/support

Lianne Castelino host of the Where Parents Talk podcast speaks to Karen S. Bonnell, consultant, coach, psychotherapist, retired psychiatric nurse practitioner and author about approaches to successfully manage separation, divorce, co-parenting and being a step-parent.

My Dropping Keys co-conspirator is Heather HarmanHeather has over fifteen years of experience in education.  She has worked in early childhood programs, elementary schools, and at the college level teaching parents and caregivers parent education.  She is an experienced life coach trained through the Martha Beck Institute and is a certified Gottman Institute instructor.  Heather is trained as a mediator with King County Dispute Resolution Center and as a co-parent coach with her mentor, Karen Bonnell.  She loves talking to families and helping them manage the hard work of parenting and self-care.  She lives in Seattle with her spouse and teenage son.  She has two adult stepchildren and one grandson from her current marriage.  Her passion for helping families navigate the challenging terrain of co-parenting and restructuring comes from lived experience.  Heather co-parents with her ex-wife and works to find a healthy dynamic between the two stepfamilies that keeps the needs and best interests of her son central.In this Volume we discuss:feelings,Toyota FJ's,the Four Horsemen of Relationships,feeling needy,and non-violent communication.You can find Heather athttps://www.heatherharmancoaching.com/https://www.instagram.com/harmancoaching/https://www.facebook.com/heathercoparentcoach

Today's guest is the amazing Dr. Patricia Papernow! Dr. Patricia Papernow has taught about “blended families” all over the U.S. and the world, sharing best practices for meeting the often-intense challenges that stepfamilies face. Dr. Papernow has authored dozens of articles and book chapters on stepfamilies as well as two of the leading books in the field: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't, and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family.” Quotes: "In a first-time family, kids enter hard-wired for affection for their parents." "Stepparents enter as an outsider to the family." Five Challenges for Stepfamilies 1) Stuck insider vs. Stuck outsiders (stepparents are often left out) 2) Kids feel differently about stepfamilies than they do about first families (stepfamily adjustment is harder on kids than the actual divorce) 3) Parenting and stepparenting are different (best parenting style: authoritative parenting by parents) 4) Creating a new family culture when (at least) two cultures already exist involves making something new while respecting both us and them. 5) There IS another parent, living or dead, outside the household * The worst thing for children isn't divorce or remarriage; it's conflict. "A lot of stepfamily life is 'learning by goofing.'" "For kids, as the rate of change goes up, their well-being goes down." Suggestions: 1) Spend 1:1 time with kids/stepkids (connection before correction) 2) Kids don't want a replacement (via divorce or death), so make space for the parent that is already there Resources: Dr. Papernow's website: https://www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/ Dr. Papernow's books (Becoming a Stepfamily, and Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships) : https://www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/ The Stepfamily Handbook (written with Karen Bonnell): https://www.amazon.com/Stepfamily-Handbook-Getting-Serious-Forming/dp/172085520X/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+stepfamily+handbook&qid=1647715365&s=books&sprefix=the+stepfmaily%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-1 Stepparenting the Grieving Child by Diane Ingram Fromme https://www.amazon.com/Stepparenting-Grieving-Child-Cultivating-Connections/dp/1939919479

Today's guest is Karen Bonnell! From her website: Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change. A graduate of the University of Michigan, she served on the faculty of University of Michigan, Eastern Michigan University & Seattle Pacific University before beginning full-time private practice in 1984. In 2021, she brought her psychiatric nursing career to a close, and now focuses strictly on coaching and mediation. She regularly writes for, speaks to and trains health care and legal professionals. Karen's work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” with Kristin Little, Child Specialist. Parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family. “The Parenting Plan Workbook” followed with contributor Felicia Malsby Soleil, JD. Karen and Felicia built a workbook and four-plus hours of coaching seminars (The Parenting Plan Workbook Video Series), which provide valuable access to the mechanics behind writing a strong, child-centered parenting plan. And most recently, Karen and Patricia Papernow, PhD released the newest handbook for parents ready to date and hoping to one day successfully create stepfamily, “The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a ‘Blended Family'”. Quotes: "Teens are looking to get rid of the parents they've got; they're not shopping for more!" "A second-time family is a very different architecture than a first-time family." "If we don't do this well, the people who are going to suffer are the kids." "The truth without compassion can be abusive." "Stepparents are additive, not substitutes." Resources: The Stepfamily Handbook https://www.amazon.com/Stepfamily-Handbook-Getting-Serious-Forming/dp/172085520X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542034223&sr=8-1&keywords=the+stepfamily+handbook&dpID=41lRp0ntBjL&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch The Co-Parenting Handbook https://www.amazon.com/Co-Parenting-Handbook-Well-Adjusted-Resilient-Separation/dp/1632171465/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501711469&sr=8-1&keywords=9781632171467 The Parenting Plan Workbook https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Plan-Workbook-Comprehensive-Child-Centered/dp/1632171457/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1501713041&sr=1-1&keywords=the+parenting+plan+workbook Karen Bonnell on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/user/karenbonnell

Hello, stepparents and welcome. I am delighted to have you join me today because I had the special privilege of interviewing the fabulous Dr. Patricia Papernow, who is the world's leading expert in step parenting and blended family dynamics. Today's episode will be just part 1 of my interview with her. I'm so excited to have you join me. Without further ado, here we go … Find the show notes for this episode at synergisticstepparenting.com/27. MARIA NATAPOV: Hi, everybody. Thank you for joining us. We are here with the fantastic Dr. Patricia paper now. Welcome. We're so excited to have you. Dr. Paper now is an internationally recognized expert on stuffy Emily's she integrates a deep understanding of the research with four decades of clinical practice and a wide variety of clinical modalities including psycho educational, systemic and trauma informed the recipient of the award for distinguished contribution to family psychology from the APA couple and family division. Dr. Papernow is the author of one of the classic books in the field Surviving and Thriving in Step Family Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't. And with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a Blended Family as well as dozens of articles and book chapters. Dr. Papernow is a psychologist in private practice in Hudson, MA and director of the Institute for Stepfamily Education. We are so excited to speak with you! Clearly, without a doubt you are an expert in this field. And it's such a pleasure to get to pick your brain and have you share your wisdom with us. If you could speak a little bit more to, I believe you've mentioned there's step families and there's blended families. Topics Covered:>>[2:15] Difference between step families and blended families>>[2:36] Difference between families who struggle vs. those who have success>>[5:08] What stepparents can do when they are having a hard time bonding with the stepchildren>>[6:21] Home is usually a safe space but with blended family tensions it starts to not feel safe for stepparents. Dr. Papernow shares advice for what to do about that.>>[7:37] How to build connection in stepfamily relationships>>[11:18] A deeper dive into the concept of "blending" and how to think about it.>>[13:19] Building family traditions.>>[16:20] How to approach stepparenting mistakesLinks for this show:Patricia PapernowPatricia Papernow LISurviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn'tThe Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a “Blended Family”* Notes: How to leave a review on Apple PodcastsOpen the Podcasts app on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac.Navigate to the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast.On Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast page, scroll down to find the subhead titled “Ratings & Reviews.”Under one of the highlighted reviews, select “Write a Review.” If you like what you hear – give us a 5-star rating! And let us and others know what you like about the show.

Hello, stepparents and welcome. I am delighted to have you join me today because I had the special privilege of interviewing the fabulous Dr. Patricia paper now, who is the world's leading expert in step parenting and blended family dynamics.Today's episode will be just part one of my interview with her. I'm so excited to have you join me. Without further ado, here we go ...Find the FULL transcript for this episode at synergisticstepparenting.com/25.We are here with the fantastic Dr. Patricia Papernow who integrates a deep understanding of the research with 4 decades of clinical practice and a variety of clinical modalities including psycho-educational, systemic and trauma informed. The recipient of the award for distinguished contribution to family psychology from the APA couple and family division, Dr. Papernow is the author of one of the classic books in the field, Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't. And with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a “Blended Family”. As well as dozens of articles and book chapters. Dr. Papernow is a psychologist in private practice in Hudson, MA, and director of the Institute for Stepfamily Education. We are so excited to speak with you. Clearly, without a doubt you are an expert in this field.>>[2:12] Dr. Papernow shares her story that brought her to her work.>>[3:50] What is different about the step family vs. the first-time family?>>[7:04] In your book you mention noticing cycles for establishing these new connections and rhythms. Can you elaborate on the timeframes for this and the blending of the families?>>[14.34] StepFamilies Face 5 Key Challenges:Insider/Outsider Challenge – When I turn to my partner, my child feels like an outsider. When I turn towards my child, my partner feels like an outsider.Kids Feel Differently Than Adults About the Blended Family – kids experience the new relationship as a loss of the parent's attention. And have a natural loyalty bind – if I like my stepparent, I'm betraying my mom or dad.Parenting - tasks in a stepfamily pretty routinely divide parents and stepparents.How do we become an us in the presence of Us and Them?How do you make it okay for kids to love both of their parents?>>[15:36] Parental tension and conflict are the biggest predictors of poor well-being in kids.Links for this show:Synergistic Stepparenting PodcastPatricia PapernowPatricia Papernow LISurviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn'tThe Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a “Blended Family”* Notes: How to leave a review on Apple PodcastsOpen the Podcasts app on your iPhone, iPad, or Mac.Navigate to the Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast.On Synergistic Stepparenting Podcast page, scroll down to find the subhead titled “Ratings & Reviews.”Under one of the highlighted reviews, select “Write a Review.” If you like what you hear – give us a 5-star rating! And let us and others know what you like about the show.

Today, Elise is so excited to welcome her favorite co-parenting ninja, Karen Bonnell to the podcast. Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change - perfect in navigating uncharted waters of parenting! As Elise and Karen dive into the episode, they turn to the holidays, as they are quickly approaching. A common anchor that the duo discuss throughout the episode is practicing generosity, whether you are ready to or not because as a parent, your children need to come first.

A Supersized Episode You Do NOT Want To Miss I was thrilled to talk with Dr. Patricia Papernow in this episode. Dr. Papernow is one of the top experts in the world working with blended families and if you attended The Stepmom Summit last month, you heard some amazing advice from her. If you missed it,  don't worry - you can still get access to her talk and all of the content from the three day event HERE. Dr. Papernow has taught about blended families all over the U.S. and the world.  She brings forty years of clinical experience helping stepfamilies, and a solid grounding in the current research about what works (and what doesn't) to build a thriving, healthy “blended family.” Dr. Papernow is the author of Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't, and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family.” You can find both books on my recommended list of stepmom resources HERE. Dr. Papernow is a member of the Experts Council of National Stepfamily Resource Center and the recipient of the 2017 award for Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology from the American Psychological Association. A few of her appearances include Good Morning America, the Today Show, the Washington Post, New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and many, many others. She graduated from Harvard University and earned a Doctorate from Boston University. In today's episode, we talk about all. the. things. We start with the 5 challenges identified by Dr. Papernow that face stepmoms. And she gives us some great advice on how to deal with it all.  Resources Mentioned: You can find Dr. Papernow and all the resources she offers on her site at www.stepfamilyrelationships.com.  You can find her books, along with more great resources, HERE. And don't forget, you can still get unlimited access to Dr. Papernow and the rest of the 23 top stepmom experts from around the world who spoke at The Stepmom Summit HERE.

Are you struggling to lay down the groundwork for co-parenting with your ex? Is your ex asking for an attorney and refusing a mediator? What are some benefits of working with a mediator that you cannot find in courtrooms? In this podcast episode, I speak with co-parenting coach, Karen Bonnell who offers solutions when co-parenting with your ex is an ongoing struggle. In this podcast we cover: Co-planning with an uncooperative ex Facilitator privacy Benefits of working with a co-parenting coach   Sign up for the FREE e-course for processing and moving past divorce here. SHOW NOTES: Click here Visit the website: www.afterthefirstmarriage.com

Stepfamily and Stepmom success strategies, based on research and clinical practice of my guest Dr. Patricia Papernow, and (in this twofer episode), the support groups and stepmom coaching of Nathalie Savell. We include some data from Wednesday Martin's great book Stepmonster. This is the last on in the series on how we make families now, 42% of Americans have a close stepfamily relationship- and yet the research on how to blend well- and the emotional skills to do so- aren't very well known- so we make avoidable mistakes. But with research, that's changing. Join The Rose Woman, Christine as she continues this month's series on making families. This week, we are joined by 2 amazing guests who will talk about success strategies in having a stepfamily and being a stepmom. In this episode, we cover:Differences in structure between having a first-time family and blended familiesBlended familiesDifferences in being a mother and stepmother and their relationships with the kidsHow we support childrenSelfcare and boundariesUnderstanding the role of the Parent in the middle of the two spousesUnderstanding parents of adult kids who recouple at a later age, how do each side copeHow did Nathalie get interested in the subject of Step-ParentingWhat is a Step-mom coach and how does Nathalie work with womenChallenges of stepparentingThe transition to being a stepmomRelating to BiomomsOur first guest for this topic is Dr. Patricia Papernow, an internationally recognized expert on “blended families.” Now entering her fifth decade of researching, working with and teaching about stepfamilies, all over the U.S. and the world. She is the author of the leading books in the field as well as dozens of articles and book chapters. For her work, she has received the Society Couple and Family Psychology Society award for Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology. Our second guest is stepmom coach and pastoral counselor Nathalie Savell, a biological mom of 2 kids ages 6 and 1, Stepmother to an 11-year-old, dog mother to an elderly pug mutt, Coach, and mental health therapist. She is passionate about empowering women to have healthy relationships with themselves, other people, food, sex, and work. She approaches her work with a holistic perspective and believes strongly in the importance of integrating the mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, and cultural aspects of ourselves. She currently sees individuals virtually one-on-one for both therapy and coaching including Step-moms, entrepreneurs, and creative leaders. She believes in the healing nature of possibility, authenticity, and self-acceptance, and that sometimes you just need to dance and sing to feel better! Helpful Links:Dr. Patricia Papernow - Visit her website for lots of radio interviews and videos. A great resource for those who want solid research-based guidance. If you, or someone you're close to, don't like to read, it's a gold mine of good helpful stuff. She is also the Author of 2 books on Stepfamilies: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships: What Works and What Doesn't is the go-to resource for stepfamily members and therapists. Surviving and Thriving was written for both therapists and stepfamily members. It delves much more deeply into both the practical and emotional journey of forming a healthy stepfamily. It has been translated into Japanese and Russian, and soon, Dutch and Hungarian. Buy this book on AmazonThe Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family” was co-authored with post-divorce co-parenting coach Karen Bonnell. As the title suggests, TSH offers step-by-step guidance from early dating with children on board, to stepfamily-dom. It was written for the public in breezy language. Buy this book on Amazon Nathalie Savell - Visit her website to learn more of her coaching services. Visit this link to join her Virtual Step-mom group. Get face-to-face with other Stepmamas who understand your journey Also, check out this link, to join her Therapeutic Hiking Group for women on a path to health in mind, body, and spirit while navigating adulthood. Check out her Facebook | InstagramStepmonster book by Wednesday Martin - A unique book for women with stepchildren, men with children of any age who repartner, adult stepchildren, and anyone who knows and cares about a woman with stepchildren. It is a reconsideration of stepfamily dynamics…from the perspective of the stepmother.Silversurfers.com - Largest dating site for over 50+ years oldFind Rosebud Woman on Instagram as @rosebudwoman and Christine on Instagram as @the.rose.woman Listen, Like, Share & Subscribe on iTunes | Spotify | Youtube See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

In this podcast, Patricia Papernow discusses her experience as both a stepparent and a parent in a stepfamily, and how this led to first a dissertation on stages of development in becoming a stepfamily, and then a life-long interest in studying and working with stepfamilies. She discusses how stepfamilies are different from first time families, particularly regarding the time and space for the couple to develop their attachment and build some common ground and the challenges children face in stepfamilies. She describes the 5 major challenges for stepfamilies: 1) insider/outsider positions, 2) children's needs, 3) stepparents and biological parents polarizing around parenting tasks, 4) the other biological parents/ex-partner being part of the family system, and 5) navigating creating new shared rituals. She offers concrete, evidence-based guidance about what works (and what doesn't) to meet these challenges.​ Patricia Papernow, EdD is well known for her books Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships, Becoming a Stepfamily, and, with Karen Bonnell, The Stepfamily Handbook From Dating, to Getting Serious to Forming a “Blended Family,” ​as well as the author of dozens of articles and book chapters about “blended families.” Dr. Papernow is a systems and trauma-trained clinician with a special focus on working with families through the divorce and recoupling process. She is a renowned educator teaching about stepfamilies all over the U.S. and the world. She is also the recipient of the 2017 award for Distinguished Contribution to Family Psychology from APA (American Psychological Association).

Learn about non-adversarial options to help your co-parenting relationship. There are plenty of reasons to get off on the right foot with your co-parent right from the beginning: save time, money and help your children adjust to two-home life are just a few. And if you find yourself already in a difficult co-parenting situation, a co-parent coach can help you get back on the right track.In this episode, we'll talk with Karen Bonnell who has over thirty years of experience working with individuals, couples, and teams. She is a divorce and co-parent coach and family mediator. Karen dedicates her work to resolving conflicts thoughtfully--one person, one parenting pair, or one family at a time. She is an author, a former clinical nurse specialist and now trains attorneys and mediators to help parents develop parenting plans and prepare for two-home family life.Learn more about Karen at www.coachmediateconsult.com and email her at karen@coachmediateconsult.com. You can view Karen's videos at https://www.youtube.com/user/karenbonnellPeaceful Co-Parenting Podcast is hosted by Bianca Balogh: mother, co-parent, entrepreneur and former news anchor/reporter. Send Bianca a feedback message, ask a question, suggest a podcast topic or guest. She wants to hear from you! bianca@peacefulparentapp.comDownload Peaceful Co-Parenting Messenger as a tool for better communication with your co-parent here: www.peacefulparentapp.com. Stay Peaceful! 

Do you feel like you and your ex treat parenting as a competitive sport? Nurturing and supporting children while going through a divorce can be difficult, but creating mutual understanding and respect between us and the other parent is critical for a peaceful transition from one household to two. What does the ideal co-parenting situation look like? Who should have the final say in where and how our children live? Before we’re able to create a plan that works for all members of the family, it’s important to agree upon and define what co-parenting looks like to everyone involved. In this episode, Karen Bonnell discusses her nearly 30 years of experience helping families transition into co-parenting plans that cultivate child-centered parenting. Three Things You’ll Love About This Episode: Understand the true definition of co-parenting While getting along is always ideal, co-parenting focuses on respect, clarity, and mutual understanding. Parenting doesn’t have to feel like a competition It’s important to teach our children to communicate their needs to both parents and to avoid leaning into behaviors that establish an “alliance” attitude. Taking time to learn how to solo parent is normal - and encouraged It’s okay to give ourselves a little room to learn how to navigate parenting on our own terms. Part of co-parenting is having confidence in our own decisions and empowering our children to make their needs known. Those skills don’t evolve overnight and might take a little practice - time is essential to mastery. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Karen has been board-certified and licensed as an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner since 1982 and served on the faculty of University of Michigan, Eastern Michigan University & Seattle Pacific University before beginning full-time private practice in 1984.   Karen’s work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” “ with Kristin Little, Child Specialist.   Parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family.   Karen also created “The Parenting Plan Workbook” with contributor Felicia Malsby Soleil, JD to provide valuable access to the mechanics behind writing a strong, child-centered parenting plan.   And most recently, Karen and Patricia Papernow (PAP-ER-NOW), PhD released the newest handbook for parents ready to date and hoping to one day successfully create a stepfamily, “The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating, to Getting Serious, to Forming a ‘Blended Family’”.   Her deep listening skills make all the difference working with co-parent pairs in conflict as they find their way through the pain of divorce into a future with optimism. Karen's website:  CoachMediateConsult.com (she has two free downloads there) Twitter.com/Karenbonnellcmc linkedin.com/in/karenbonnell/ facebook.com/karenbonnellcmc

In this episode Christina welcomes Elise Buie a family law attorney who has deep understanding of complex family issues, not only because she’s an attorney but because she’s also a stepmom! Elise shares how being a stepmom influenced her career in family law, and vice versa. She gives her advice/tips for those preparing for mediation/court, discusses the current custody issues during a pandemic, her thoughts on parallel parenting vs. co-parenting and best practices for managing a high conflict ex situation. How does a Family Law Attorney navigate her own blended life? Maybe not how you'd guess. Listen in! Mentioned in this Episode: Learn more about my Guest Elise Buie! View the The Stepfamily Handbook: Dating, Getting Serious, and Forming a "Blended Family" by Karen Bonnell and Patricia Papernow --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/radicalstepmoms/message

This week on Maximum Mom your host Elise Buie joined Karen Bonnell. Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Karen has been board certified and licensed as an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner since 1982. Karen's work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” “ with Kristin Little, Child Specialist. Parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family.As a teacher, trainer, facilitator, Karen played an instrumental role in developing the year-long facilitator training program for the Compassionate Listening Project. As a certified Compassionate Listening trainer, Karen utilizes this heart-centered approach to authentic speaking and capable listening used around the world in high-conflict situations such as Israel/Palestine. Her deep listening skills make all the difference working with co-parent pairs in conflict as they find their way through the pain of divorce into a future with optimism.To keep on maximizing your firm, stay connected!Facebook GroupFacebook PageYouTube channelLinkedInGuildSubscribe to Maximum Mom on your favorite podcast player so you never miss an episode!

In this episode, Steph interviews Karen Bonell, Collaborative Divorce Coach and author of “The Co-Parenting Handbook” on the topic of co-parenting. They discuss ways parents can support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover necessary tools to create a two-home family. Karen provides a roadmap, answers, and tools to ensure kids and co-parents thrive. If you’re in the middle of a divorce or have been divorced for years, you’ll find Karen’s guidance reassuring and learn how to move forward with confidence and optimism. If you know someone who is finding their way through divorce and has come to you for help, send them a link to this episode.   Topics Discussed:  Key steps parents can take to reduce the impact of separation/divorce The “best age” to initiate divorce What to do if you can’t co-parent with your spouse How to figure out what's best for your kids when planning their two-home future Where to start with navigating finances and major decisions Who to have on your team to navigate this process Advice for friends/family members Show Notes:  Karen’s Website Follow Karen on Facebook here Follow Karen on Twitter here Listen to today's episode on our website   Guest Bio:  Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Karen has been board certified and licensed as an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner since 1982. She served on the faculty of University of Michigan, Eastern Michigan University & Seattle Pacific University before beginning full-time private practice in 1984. She regularly writes for, speaks to and trains health care and legal professionals. Karen’s work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” “ with Kristin Little, Child Specialist. Parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family.   INTRODUCE YOURSELF to Steph and Dr. Elana on Instagram. They can’t wait to meet you! @stephgreunke @drelanaroumell

Karen Bonnell is a co-parent coach, mediator and trainer who helps families and couples navigate some emotional territory to reach a healthy place for all. Karen has over 30 years' experience working with families, and she is located close by in Kirkland. Karen's new book "The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to forming a Blended Family" is co-written with Patricia Papernow, a nationally recognized expert on 'blended families'. Together they present a great navigation tool to help couples and families avoid the pitfalls of rushing into blending families. As Karen reiterates, the slower we go, the faster the journey will proceed. www.coachmediateconsult.com

Bringing two families together can be one of the most difficult things for couples to deal with. Whether both partners have children, or one partner has children and the other doesn't, it is a very challenging situation. Most people go into these situations without any education or experience in knowing how to handle it. They often come to us as the Therapist looking for guidance and skills they can use to improve their situation. Enter step-parenting expert, Karen Bonnell. Karen helps families who are going through divorce, working through co-parenting situations, and guiding step-families. She recently wrote a book called The Stepfamily Handbook along with Patricia Papernow. In this episode, she talks all about what to expect and how to work with Couples who are going through the process of becoming a stepfamily. The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. The host, Shane Birkel, interviews an expert in the field of couples therapy each week. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes. Get your free copy of The Comparison of 7 different Models of Couples Therapy. Click here to join the Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group Visit Karen's website for more information Check out Karen's new book, The Stepfamily Handbook

Karen Bonnell is a co-parent coach, mediator and trainer who helps families and couples navigate some emotional territory to reach a healthy place for all. Karen has over 30 years' experience working with families, and she is located close by in Kirkland. Karen's new book "The Stepfamily Handbook: From Dating to Getting Serious to forming a Blended Family" is co-written with Patricia Papernow, a nationally recognized expert on 'blended families'. Together they present a great navigation tool to help couples and families avoid the pitfalls of rushing into blending families. As Karen reiterates, the slower we go, the faster the journey will proceed.

Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change.  Her work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” with Kristin Little, Child Specialist. Parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family.   “The Parenting Plan Workbook” followed with contributor Felicia Malsby Soleil, JD.  And most recently,  Karen and Patricia Papernow, PhD released The Stepfamily Handbook, for parents ready to date and hoping to one day successfully create a stepfamily.    As a teacher, trainer, facilitator, Karen played an instrumental role in developing the year-long facilitator training program for the Compassionate Listening Project. As a certified Compassionate Listening trainer, Karen utilizes this heart-centered approach to authentic speaking and capable listening used around the world in high-conflict situations such as Israel/Palestine. Her deep listening skills make all the difference working with co-parent pairs in conflict as they find their way through the pain of divorce into a future with optimism.   Listen in to hear Karen share: How to parallel parent if integrated co parenting is not possible When you should see a co parent coach How to know when kids are really struggling with divorce/restructuring of family How to know when kids are ready for you to introduce new partners into your family unit What to do when your partner is not capable of co parenting How reading the Co Parent Manual can improve, and potentially save, your marriage NOW   Links Mentioned: Connect with Karen: https://coachmediateconsult.com Subscribe to Karen’s Youtube channel Karen’s Book: The Co Parenting Handbook   Thank you to our sponsors: Hourglass Cosmetics: Get free shipping with your purchase of a full sized Caution Mascara at hourglasscosmetics.com/shameless and use the promo code SHAMELESS at checkout. Katie’s Crib podcast: Check out this new podcast hosted by new mom Katie Lowes, who played Quinn on the hit show Scandal.  Check out Katie’s Crib on shondaland.com or anywhere you listen to podcasts.       

Some of the most challenging couples we see in Couples Therapy are those who are no longer even in a relationship. When children are involved, it is not possible to ever completely be free of one's ex partner.  In these situations it is incredibly important for these co-parents to work together in order to support the children in the best way possible. Karen Bonnell is an expert at helping these co-parents work through these situations in a way that is healthy for everyone. Karen is a collaborative divorce coach who has been helping families for the last 30 years. She teaches parents the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family. The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. The host, Shane Birkel, interviews an expert in the field of couples therapy each week. There is an episode released every Tuesday about the practice of couples therapy. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes! If you enjoyed the episode please leave a rating and review on iTunes. Click here to join the Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group. Check out Karen's website at coachmediateconsult.com Books Get a copy of The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation Get a copy of The Parenting Plan Workbook: A Comprehensive Guide to Building a Strong, Child-Centered Parenting Plan

Karen Bonnell lives in our area, and is an Advanced Nurse Practitioner, a Collaborative Divorce Coach, teacher, facilitator, author--"The Co-Parenting Handbook" and "The Parenting Plan Workbook". Sepration and divorce can take a toll on the whole family. Karen works with families to help ease the challenges, and suggests her books provide good coaching and support as well, so that the adults can work on this change in a respectful way, providing an environment where the children feel loved and are able to thrive. Karen helps launch the new year by providing a number of resolutions to help anyone 'in the process' to find a place where they can take a good first step. www.coachmediateconsult.com

Have you ever wondered how some divorced couples make their co-parenting so seamless and cooperative? Christina interviews renowned Co-Parent Coach and author, Karen Bonnell, for tips on achieving co-parenting success. Christina Vinters is a nationally designated Chartered Mediator on a mission to inspire and facilitate healthy family transitions. She is an “ex” Divorce Lawyer (Non-Practicing Member of the Bar), Author of Pathways to Amicable Divorce, and the DIY Divorce Manual, and Peacemaking Business Consultant. Karen’s work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write “The Co-Parenting Handbook” “ with Kristin Little, Child Specialist.  Karen has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth and change. A graduate of the University of Michigan, Karen has been board certified and licensed as an Advanced Registered Nurse Practitioner since 1982. She served on the faculty of University of Michigan, Eastern Michigan University & Seattle Pacific University before beginning full-time private practice in 1984. She regularly writes for, speaks to and trains healthcare and legal professionals. As a certified Compassionate Listening trainer, Karen utilizes this heart-centered approach to authentic speaking and capable listening used around the world in high-conflict situations such as Israel/Palestine. Her deep listening skills make all the difference working with co-parent pairs in conflict as they find their way through the pain of divorce into a future with optimism. Guest Links: Website: https://coachmediateconsult.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pg/karenbonnellcmc/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/karenbonnellcmc  LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/karenbonnell Modern Separations Links: Website: https://www.modernseparations.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/modernseparations Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/divorcewell Twitter: https://twitter.com/cvinters LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/cvinters Episode Transcript   Christina: Today I have the privilege of talking to Karen Bonnell, one of the leading experts in North America on co-parenting. Karen is a registered nurse practitioner, as well as a mediator, divorce coach, and co-parenting coach. She's the author of the widely-read and respected Co-Parents' Handbook, which is recently been republished as The Co-Parenting Handbook. She's passionate about helping parents be the best co-parents they can be. I think you'll find she's incredibly warm and encouraging, and you'll get a lot out of this discussion. Here we go. Christina: Good morning, Karen! Thank you so much for being here with me today. Karen: Christina, it's my pleasure. Christina: I am really thrilled to have you here because I love that your focus is on helping parents focus on the best interest of the children. Why don't you start by telling us a bit about yourself – how you got in the field of divorce, and what exactly is a parent coach? Karen: Wow, OK. Kind of a big question. So, Christina you might already know that I'm a nurse by training, and one of the hallmarks for nurses is really looking at a person's health, a family's health, or community's health holistically. And so my background really set me up for looking at families who are going through transition enormous lies on change, in a very holistic way. Which is to say that in order for a family to be healthy, all members of the family need to be tended to. So as I went through my own two-home family, family restructuring many, many years ago, before co-parent coaching was available,  I realized that without that support, without that education, that understanding, it made that transition much harder than it needed to be. So shortly thereafter, I got involved in a collaborative law community which is where I cut my teeth on divorce coaching, which led me headlong and heart-full into co-parent coaching. So a co-parent coach is someone who walks alongside parents from the moment they realize they may need to separate through their divorce and then hoist their divorce process to ensure that kids are well cared for; they become the strongest, most skilful parents they can be. Even as they come to a close with their intimate partnership. Christina: That makes so much sense. The systemic approach that you've taken and how that transition from nursing happened and make so much sense in this context. Yeah, I agree. You can't have a family functioning well if one or two parts of it are experiencing trauma or just stressed in general. Karen: Well, our floundering in the fear of uncertainty or really encourage to be adversaries in this system wherein the end of the day, we still need a parenting team to raise healthy children. So that whole risk of that litigation model for families is very real. Christina: For sure, and I will be doing an episode specifically on collaborative law, but for listeners who may not have a chance to listen to that particular episode, can you give us just a brief summary of the collaborative law and how you fit into that process? Karen: Oh, sure. So I mostly work as a mediator, Christina, just as you do. But there are times when a family... depending on the complexity of their situation or their emotional needs or just their particular orientation, would prefer to walk through their divorce process with attorneys at their elbows.  And in a collaborative process, those attorneys are there truly as counsel; everybody is in the same room, it's fully transparent, it is a respectful process, not necessarily easy. But respectful process where all parties, all the professional people – the attorneys, the mental health professionals, like the coach, the financial neutrals sort of circle the wagons for the couple as they figure out their property settlement, as they come to decisions about how to raise their children in two homes. So it's a non-adversarial process that just ups the support from what might otherwise just be mediation. Christina: OK, and within that process, you're broaden as an expert to help with the co-parenting pace, and help them workout the logistics and communication around that? Karen: Correct. Typically, helping them go through their parenting plan worksheet and preparation for creating their state-mandated parenting, you know, contract – their parenting form. And I'm also typically helping them prepare for their financial meetings, really helping them unpack difficult emotions. So that when they walk into those business meetings, they can do that with a strong mind and a calmed heart. So, kinda both of those worlds in a collaborative process. Christina: OK, interesting! And so what are the issues that you encourage people to think about right upfront? What are the types of things that you would address at the very beginning? Karen: Right at the very beginning, I work with parents to bring their children into the room. One of the conversations that I know I can engage parents around is “Tell me about your children”. And I ask them specifically, “Tell me about being a parent to your child,” “So, what it's like to be a mom to Lucien?” “What is it like to be a dad for Michaela?” Depending on the configuration of the families, by the way of two moms, two dads, or a mom and a dad. And that way, I can really help them anchor, and I tell them specifically, everything we do from this moment forward is in the service of those little beings that I know are the center of your heart. And that includes how you learn to treat each other, how you bring this relationship – this intimate partnership or a marriage to a close. And how you renegotiate and strengthen; how you'll be a parenting team “until death do you part”? Christina: And a lot of parents I find it takes them a while to acknowledge that there will be that ongoing relationship. It seems to me quite difficult for a lot of people to wrap up the intimate relationship. But at the same time acknowledge that they really do need to work on having that constructive parenting relationship for the sake of their children. Karen: That's exactly right, and part of their resistance is often oriented around feeling forced to move too quickly into, what we might call friends as parents. And I'm very, very clear with intimate partners who are emotionally distraught, bereft, hurt, betrayed – that they may never be friends with their co-parent. And I don't need them to be friends. I need them to be respectful, and I need them to be civil and that will take time to find their way through their grief, through their hurt, through their pain. That will then allow them to be those things. In the meantime, what I want them to do is respectfully to separate. So less is more in this situation. Less communication, less back and forth, things that do need to be talked about haven't talked about in a guided setting, in a facilitated setting. Where someone can help manage the trauma, so that we're not re-traumatizing very, very tender hearts, very, very hurt people. Right? So our first step is how do we really separate so we can heal, grieve what we need to grieve – what we lost. So that we can begin to form a future where we can parent our children. Christina: Now, what will you say are your top tips that parents should really have at the forefront of their minds – specific tip? So being respectful is absolutely key. I'm thinking more tactical or strategic tips that will help them move towards a successful co-parenting plan. Karen: Step one: Choose your professionals – the people who are going to support you through your separation and your divorce. Choose professionals who are going to support you as a member of a family that's in transition. In other words, your allies don't need to champion you in this, on your co-parent. We don't need to feed that adversarial energy, OK. So choose professionals who can hold your pain while at the same time not pouring gasoline on a fire. Okay? Number one. Number two: Self-care. Self-care. Can I underline that enough? I want you to make sure you're sleeping. Please cut back on your alcohol use. Try an exercise everyday. Do what you can to be a good enough parent. Don't worry about falling apart from time to time. There are so many strong emotions that go with the losses of an intimate partnership and these changes in the family. We gotta be gentle with ourselves. So allow for that healing process. Know that there's gonna be grief. Try not to fight it. Try and work with it. OK? So that's number two. Choose your professionals wisely, do your self-care, acknowledge that there's grief. Right? The third piece, the third step is as your nervous system begins to settle down, then it's time to educate yourself about what it would mean to be co-parent. “How would I do that?” “How do I show up at curriculum night in two weeks when I know my other parent, you know my children's other parent, is gonna be there as well?” “How do I do that?” “Very practical. I can walk in the room, here's how I'll choose my seat, here's how I'll greet my co-parent, and then I'll step away.” So just recognizing that there are literally steps for how to do this that will help you heal, while simultaneously help you move forward. Christina: And I'd like to pick up on some of the terms that you used there. So you mentioned “other parent” and “my co-parent” – I'm curious, are those the words that you recommend people use to refer to each other? Using the term 'ex' which is so common in our culture is so negative. That has so many negative connotations attached to it. What are the terms that you recommend or that you find people use that sit well into.. that doesn't feel awkward? Karen: Right. So one of the first things I teach my parents who come into the office is that we're gonna begin a very active process of separating their husband-wife relationship, their spousal relationship, their intimate partnership, from their parenting. And the language that we choose really helps with that separation. You know, what we talk about is ending here is an intimate partnership, a marriage. What's not ending is that two people who became parents seven years ago, six months ago – whenever that occurred – eighteen years ago. And so I wanna help them get clearer and clearer about what are we closing up, what are we ending, what are we grieving? And what are we actually still engaged in? So I do ask my co-parent teams, don't use the term ex. How about, if you wanna identify your former spouse, how about former partner, former spouse? How about, you know sometimes we joke about 'wasbands'. But terms that are, are more endearing and less pejorative. Then some of the other terms, you know, jerk for example. Let's not use “I'm not co-parenting with a jerk”. “I'm co-parenting with my children's mother or father.” I also encourage them to reclaim just terms 'mom' and 'dad'. How many times did children of parents who are divorcing start to hear instead of “Go ask your dad” or “Go ask your mommy”, “Go ask your father” – with a  big 'your' in front of it. As if I've de-zoned that relationship, and that puts you over in a 'that' category; in “another camp”.  “Your father”, “Your mother”. And so parents actually practice that. What is it like to say “OK, when you're at home with dad...” as opposed to “When you are at your father's house...” Notice that it's not just my intonation, but my word choices that are gonna impact children. So, we start to practice. It's awkward, it's new, it's not what people do in the culture. But you know, we're helping parents reframe what their children's experiences which, over time, is much more enriching than feeling like they live in a divided home. Christina: It's amazing what a big change just one word can make. I actually hadn't heard that before and that's really eye-opening. My concept of 'dad' rather than 'your dad'. Even if you say it in a nice tone. Karen: Right. Christina: And so, what is your process for working with clients? Karen: Well, they know how to get to me... most people email and say, you know, 'we made a decision to separate, we'd like to meet with you'. They come in, we spend an introductory session just to make sure that they are clear about my process and that there's a good match – there's still a chemistry. I don't care who you are or how expert you might be. There's still chemistry you need to work with people that you feel comfortable with and feel like I can provide a trusting environment. Then we do many of the things that we've just talked about. You know, they introduce me to their children, they often bring pictures. I begin to lay the groundwork for separating, the intimate partnership from their parenting pair, their parenting team relationship. And depending on their readiness, we actually begin to talk about things like, “So if you're still living in the same home, when do you intend  to make that a two-home family?” “How do you imagine you might share your children?” So this is my language – share your children across two homes. “What are the skills you think you might need to keep their lives integrated and problem solved on their behalf?” That is part of what we'll be working through. I actually use a worksheet, it's available in the Parenting Plan Workbook, where parents talk about with each other the different options and 'why you might choose this one versus that one?', and ''how might we do the holidays in this first year too, but in yours three and beyond?' That might look quite different. So all of these is part of the psycho-education about how families adjust to a change of this magnitude. Christina: Now do you ever come across situations where one parent is interested in working with you and figuring out how to structure a positive co-parenting relationship, but the other spouse doesn't wish to participate? And if so, are you able to work with just one? Or how... do you have ways of trying to get the other parent interested in participating? Karen: Yes, I do. So just recently, I had a co-parent let me know that her co-parent's attorney didn't want her to see me. And so in that case, I ask if there was any chance that both of the attorneys – mom's attorney and dad's attorney –  will get on the phone with me just to talk about... My thought was that dad's attorney was uncertain or just simply didn't know what went on in my office. And so that would be one trick of the trade. The other is I usually can get a parent who wants to work with me to hook their other parent in by saying “Hey, she'll talk to you for free, give her a call, you can email her, here's her website, she'd be happy to give you a copy of her book, if you wanna contact her.” Like there are just things that I'll do to kind of say, Give me a chance. Just give me a minute, you don't have to work with me. Just come once. I mean that's my really big deal. Just come once. I don't need you to ever agree that you're gonna come back or that your'e gonna mediate your parenting plan with me. That's not important. But my experience is if I get them to come in once and find that out that it's actually safe, that's it's really about their kids, about that I really am neutral in terms of... You know I think sometimes dads are still afraid that working with a woman that I'll be biased toward a mom. And the fact is I have a very strong bias and I tell both parents that with these children need both their parents. And that what we know in terms of outcomes is that kids do better physically and emotionally when they have a strong and engaged relationship with both parents. It's not a competition about who's the better parent. Kids just need two good enough parents. That's what kids need. Christina: And parents must see once they go to that first meeting, they must see the immense value just right off the bat. I'm sure most people, once they realize what it's all about they go, “Oh, OK. I can see that this is gonna be really great for my kids going forward.” Karen: You know, there's a huge relief. Sometimes I have to slow down. Your listeners might not know, but I live in the Silicon Valley of the North. You know I live in the backyard of Microsoft and Amazon. And so sometimes my software engineers simply just need to be slowed down. They're all about efficiency and bullet points and box checking, and I sometimes need to spend a little time to say, “You know this is probably the most important contract that you will ever design. And you'll be living with it for, you know, however many years until their children are through college and although the contract expires in high school, at the end of high school, I really support my co-parents to really live inside a parenting plan structure until their kids are into adulthood, for their sake. So they don't fall into feelings of 'How can I meet both of my parents needs now that I'm in college?'. So sometimes it's about slowing dad down or mom down. Efficiency is really important – I know your time is extremely valuable, and just above your kids. And we're gonna find your way through it in the most efficient way possible with no corners cut. Because they deserve that. Most of the time I can get them to settle down. Christina: You've of course written the very popular book in the field, The Co-Parent's Handbook. And I see that you're now writing a new book about dating after divorce. So I'm wondering what advice do you have for parents on that topic? Karen: The new book will be out in the Spring, hopefully, that's the plan. It's called the Step-Family Handbook, and it's everything from first dates, as co-parents, to creating a step-family. And it's very, very important; a data point that most parents don't know is that the adjustment to step-family for children is actually more difficult than the divorce. And so as much as parents worry about their children during the divorce process, I really want them to understand that the transition to step-family is also an enormous, enormous adjustment. And although we, as parents, are often just so thrilled, so happy, so relieved, to be in love again, to have found a partner that's gonna walk forward with us – that's not necessarily our children's experience. And so recognizing the fears and trepidations that kids have really help guide how we introduce a new adult into their lives right from the beginning. So, that's what the new book will be about is that walk in that journey and how it skillfully pace, allowing children to recognize that we're now dating, that... what dating means, who this person is, how to build a relationship with the new adult who's not a parent? And who may be around our household in a parent-like capacity? Those are all skills and as a parent and a potentially soon-to-be-stepparent, learning that architecture and how it works is really important. Christina: Well thank you, Karen so much for sharing your wisdom with us today. What would be the best ways for our listeners to get in touch with you? Karen: The best way is by email. Just go to the website, which is coachmediatecounsult.com. There's a, you know, way to email me directly to my email address or through the website itself. Of course my phone number, I'm here in the States. People are welcome to call as well, email is a little easier. And you can follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and you know, Pinterest. So there's lots and lots of ways and I invite people to connect in any way that makes sense for them. Christina: OK, perfect! Well, Karen, thank you again for today and for all the really important work that you're doing for families. Karen: You're welcome. Thanks so much, Christina, for having me. It's really been my pleasure.

Parenting tweens and teens is challenging. They're testing boundaries, just as they should at this age. And whether we like it or not, they're frequently pushing back and trying to establish their own independent identity (interests/values/opinions) apart from Mom and Dad. That level of conflict is reality in most intact, stable, both-parents-married-to-each-other families. When a separation or divorce occurs and either parent is beginning to date, that's likely to create extra challenges for teens and their parents. "Divorce or separation is a huge change," says Karen Bonnell, family coach and author of "The Co-Parents' Handbook: Raising Well-adjusted, Resilient, and Resourceful Kids in a Two-Home Family from Little Ones to Young Adults"."This is a huge change and there's often grief involved. So kids are recalibrating, trying to make sense out of something their parents have done that they have no control over." Annie talks with Karen about how to parent your teen once you start dating again after divorce. About Karen Bonnell (@karenbonnellcmc) Karen Bonnell has over 30 years of experience working with couples and families facing transition, loss, growth, and change. Her work as a Collaborative Divorce Coach spurred her determination to write "The Co-Parents' Handbook". In this straight-forward, practical guide, parents learn the best ways to support their children, strengthen their co-parenting, and discover the necessary tools to skillfully create a two-home family. Karen's other books include "The Parenting Plan Handbook". Learn more at http://CoachMediateConsult.com. Copyright © 2009-2018 Annie Fox and Electric Eggplant. All Rights Reserved.

Make Co-Parenting during the Holidays Go Much More Smoothly In this episode, Karen Bonnell, best-selling author of The Co-Parents Handbook and The Parenting Plan Handbook, shares invaluable advice about co-parenting during the holidays so you and your family can have the best holiday season possible. […]

Our Scott Docherty talks with Karen Bonnell of Coach Mediate Consult, Seattle, author of the hugely practical and inspirational Co-Parents' and Parenting Plan Handbooks. In this interview, Karen talks about what a parenting plan is, what it can cover in your separation or divorce, the challenges that might get in the way of creating a plan, and most vitally how those challenges can be overcome.One of the quotes in Karen's wonderful books is by her co-author Kristin Little, that "learning to co-operate with your children's other parent doesn't always mean agreement; it doesn't always means you have good feelings towards that other parent. It means that your love and care for your child is stronger than your anger and sadness, and your desire for peace is greater than your desire to be 'right'." Watching and listening to Karen on this subject may well hit home that point for you, and help you find a fresh perspective in your transition beyond separation.

Sunday Morning Magazine Karen Bonnell 02-08-15 by Warm1069

Inspirational Women Karen Bonnell 09-21-14 by Warm1069