2 Trauma Queens (formerly The Stuck Stops Here)

Meredith's Aunt joins us today to share the trauma-filled family history and we learn all about the legacy of oppression, poverty, chaos, and violence that fueled generations of unhappy marriages, chronic anger and physical and emotional abuse.   Much similar to Tammy's side we learn that toxic multi-generational patterns and distressing negatives situations lead to subsequent generations battling pervasive mental health issues.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

We continue exploring pervasive toxic family dynamics traveling through Tammy's family going back over 100 years.  Tammy's Aunt Shelly shares many painful stories of well-entrenched destructive patterns including arranged loveless marriages, physical abuse, parental abandonment, and dysfunctional behaviors.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

DOCUMENTALLY SPEAKING - join 2 stepsisters, Tammy and Meredith and they dig deep into their family histories to uncover and understand the roots of generational trauma, toxic family dynamics and how pain was passed down to them.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Tammy Sue's side of the family is explored with special guest Shelly.  Shelly is Tammy's Aunt on the paternal side.  In part 1 we uncover ancestral trauma (war, poverty, abandonment) and the decades of physical and emotional abuse experienced by her dad, Michael, Shelly, their parents and grandparents.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Join stepsisters, Tammy and Meredith, as they begin their journey into their ancestral roots to uncover the reasons behind the toxic family patterns that plagued them as adults.  What did we inherit from our family's story, narrative, and views about life?    Many families suffer from generational trauma. Yet one thing people don't talk about is how difficult it is to break the cycle.  We want to investigate when, where and why these pervasive patterns of dysfunction began and pinpoint where these family issues showed up in our life and how they have impacted our personal life, family life, career, finances, spiritual health, and other areas.https://www.instagram.com/2traumaqueens/

Relaunching as 2 Trauma Queens SOON!

When narcissistic parents starts ageing, people eventually see through the false charm and see the person for who they really are.  Their behavior tends to get worse with the passage of time.  As time takes its toll on their looks and their health they painfully realize that admiration is a thing of the past. Time has taken its toll. Narcissistic parents are immature, angry, volatile and controlling. Sadly, their parenting was not nurturing but a dictatorship where they have all the power and control. Eventually, their children get sick and tired of their behavior and reduce or eliminate contact.  Much like a drug addict without their supply, the narcissist can't cope when supplies become scarce and run out. They become chronically depressed and angry and find no pleasure in anything and become more demanding and worse by the day.  Narcissists love the idea of family and take comfort they have a reliable support system...which means knowing that they have people who enable, embrace and justify their selfish behavior.  Narcissists see love as very one-sided and not as a genuine experience of connection, empathy, and warmth.https://youtu.be/UmiPqhDOVrI "The Tide Is High " is a 1967 song written by John Holt. Used for entertainment purposes only.

All-or-nothing thinking is a a cognitive distortion.  Cognitive meaning the way you understand, think, and perceive. And Distortion meaning misleading or irrational. All-or-nothing thinking and fear of failure paved a perfect path to perfectionism.  I was raised with impossibly high expectations that I could never meet and as miserable as that made me, it was familiar, so I stayed on that poison path for far too long and continuously moved the goalposts for myself.  I still cringe when I recall my flawless execution in my attempts to control everything. I over-planned, freaked out when things don't go according to my plan, obsessed over small details and catastrophized everything.  I was addicted to friction as if perpetual struggling was my sole purpose here on earth.  Believing that I had power over people and situations was abusive both to myself and the people around me." For What It's Worth (Stop, Hey What's That Sound) " is a song written by Stephen Stills.  USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES

Object Constancy is a cognitive skill we acquire at around 2 years old and is defined as the ability to maintain an emotional bond with others, even where there is distance and conflict.  In adulthood, Object Constancy allows us to trust that our bond with those who are close to us remains whole even when they are not physically present.  We understand that absence does not mean disappearance or abandonment, only temporary distance. Babies that are instilled with object constancy develop secure attachment and cultivate sense of trust from within themselves, rather than relying on constant reassurances from external resources. Children with no object constancy are plagued with an intense fear of abandonment.  If we experienced severe early preverbal attachment trauma, and have extremely distracted, chaotic and emotionally unavailable caregivers, our emotional development is stunted and we never had the opportunity to develop Object Constancy leading to Fear of Abandonment.https://www.thefemininewoman.com/abandonment-issues/https://www.verywellhealth.com/abandonment-trauma-5211575 Right Back Where We Started From " is a song written by Pierre Tubbs and J. Vincent Edwards.  USED FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.  

Toxic family rules live at the center of a dysfunctional family system and are designed to keep secrets hidden, enable abuse, keep children in line and avoid responsibility while also preventing safety, growth and connection.  Toxic family dynamics can have far-reaching impact on our lives as adults.  Children of toxic parents are emotionally starved. The family dynamic functions around the needs, wants, desires, and chaos of the parent. Children are viewed as objects, things to be controlled, used and manipulated.  There is no amount of storytelling we can do that will be more powerful than the societal standard held to never separate from family.  We live with a grief not accepted or understood by society. https://www.barbara-whitfield.com/healing-the-child-withinhttps://drsherriecampbell.com/ Parody of Our Lips Are Sealed by Jane Wiedlin, and Terry Hall used for entertainment purposes only.

Albert Ellis, who is considered the 2nd most influential psychotherapist in history died in 2007 and believed psychological problems are due to pervasive patterns of irrational thought.  It is not events that create emotional states, but the way we interpret them. Chronic unhappiness is not caused directly by adversity but by us, it is our irrational beliefs and thoughts that cause suffering.  He said “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy”.  These 3 musts are illogical, they distort reality, prevents us from achieving goals, lead to self-sabotaging behavior and makes us miserable.  Life is not fair, and things don't go as planned.  We cannot control everything all the time.  Albert Ellis explained the emotionally mature individual should completely accept the fact that we live in an unpredictable world and there will never be any absolute certainties.  The emotionally intelligent person knows that it is not always horrible when things don't go as planned.  If we choose to stay addicted to certainty, our perception of and reaction to life experiences will be self-defeating and counterproductive.  http://www.albertellis.info/ 

“Something happened to us a long time ago. It happened more than once. It hurt us. We protected ourselves the only way we knew how. We are still protecting ourselves. It isn't working anymore.” ― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families“recovery is a process rather than an event.”― John C. Friel, Adult Children Secrets of Dysfunctional FamiliesMillions of people grew up in alcoholic homes. But what about the rest of us? What about families that had no alcoholism, but did have perfectionism, workaholism, compulsive overeating, intimacy problems, depression, problems in expressing feelings, plus all the other personality traits that can produce a toxic family system much like an alcoholic one?  Millions of us struggle with these kinds of dysfunctions every day, and falsely believe we are alone. Self-Love Recovery Institute: (selfloverecovery.com)https://positivepsychology.com/wp-content/uploads/Codependency-Questionnaire.pdfhttps://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Secrets-Dysfunctional-Families/dp/0932194532

Boundaries are a way to take care of ourselves. It means verbalizing what impacts your comfort levels. It means learning how and when to say "no." When we set boundaries, we're less angry and resentful because our needs are getting met and our space is respected. Boundaries make our expectations clear, so others know what to expect from us and how we want to be treated.  Toxic people will do everything they can to ignore and bulldoze through the boundaries we try to set.  They will blame, ignore, manipulate, guilt trip, abuse and criticize until you concede.  Recommended reading The Monster Under the Bed by Kim Fiske 

The healing journey was and is not easy for me.  It is a continuous and rigorous cycle of aha moments followed by grief followed by acceptance.  If your parents were narcissistic, controlling,  smothering, unavailable, overly critical, manipulative, angry and emotionally immature...you may feel as lonely and disconnected as I have felt and battled the same crippling anxiety and depression that I did.   I fantasized often that my parents would admit their mistakes and makes amends, that I would achieve more success than them and shove it in their face,  and that the outside world would see my parents for who they really are and reject them.  Having these fantasies reinforced and intensified my misery and kept me stuck.  In this podcast I share the knowledge I have acquired during peaks and valleys of my healing journey. I hope it helps.Link to Brene Brown

In March of 2021, my youngest daughter and her teammates experienced horrific emotional abuse from the coach of a Division 1 collegiate athletic team.  It was a sickening combination of narcissism, toxic leadership, and verbal abuse and I was crushed by it as there was nothing I could do.  I witnessed my daughter getting the exact same treatment that received during my entire childhood and I worked SO HARD to make sure she never experienced it.  And here we were.  The panic attacks that disappeared 30 years ago came back.  The anxiety and depression that I had diffused a few short years ago returned with vengeance.  I could not think straight or sleep much less do a podcast. I had to disappear.  After a couple of months when this coaching situation resolved itself, I accepted a full-time job and also sold my house in the suburbs and moved to the city in 2021.  But now I am back...and begin with detailing the first visit with my mom in a year.Link to Glennon Doyle's new book - Untamed

Coming from a home filled with alcoholism and abuse, Gina knows the grit & grace it takes to not just survive, but to move into a life filled with peace. She trusts that her immediate instinct to follow her intuition (which she calls her light) has been the catalyst to every success she has been blessed to experience. Her greatest passion is to help others find, and trust, the light inside of them—no matter their past.With a mom who wasn't ready to relinquish her party lifestyle, eight-year-old Gina was thrust into a world of alcoholism, drugs, sex, and molestation. Abandoned by daily parental guidance, she was forced to fend for herself and navigate a world that brought more darkness than security. As her childhood was scraped away bit-by-bit, Gina held true to something within that guided her, a light that burned brighter once a brief interaction with a stranger connected her with the truth. Everything will be okay.The Parakeet Drawing is a powerful memoir about the ripple effects of a small act of kindness, and how it helped one little girl find the strength within to save herself.Buy BookWeb Site

"I am four years old in that photo, half-naked and burned all over. I am propped up into a sitting position. My hair, which had been honey blonde and bouncy with waves, sprawls in a dark, stringy mess. My chest is completely covered with tight, raw bands of scars.  My right arm, also constricted by scars, is attached to my torso by contractures. My left wrist contracts in as well. You can see my tiny right ear and my nose unscarred, still sweet and untouched. The lower half of my face, however, is obliterated. My mouth gapes wide open because I have no lower lip to close it with. Fire has devoured my lip, chin and neck. The remaining skin tightly draws my face down into my chest, like a reverse face lift, preventing any emotional expression. The black band in the photo covering my eyes was to keep me from being recognized. If you could see my eyes, though, I would have been trying to smile as best I could. I was a good girl, and I aimed to please. Effort were paid to keep my tiny face in profile and to hide my eyes. But burn scarring is as unique as fingerprints; no two burned people get burned exactly the same way. It was clearly me. This was one of several stunning revelations I uncovered as I began to investigate the fire that nearly killed me a half-century ago."https://www.lisedeguire.com/Flashback Girl Book

Vera Wilhelmsen was once ill with "incurable" chronic illness as a result from narcissistic abuse from her parents and grandparents. She fought her way out on her own, realized the root causes, cut contact with her entire family and all toxic people in her life and went deep into her own trauma to heal. She states on her web site “I was severely ill. Around Christmas 2018 I was preparing to die. I had been bedbound for 3,5 years. No sound - I cried when I heard cutlery. No light. No appetite. Dizzying headaches. Severe,. IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) for 6 years. I was sometimes crawling from the bed to the bathroom. I had trouble getting food and water in me. My hygiene and shower-routine was nonexistent. But I refused to give up”.  She is now living her best life and helping to do the same.  Her dream is to continue healing herself and help other people heal. She emphasizes “I learnt that you CAN save yourself and you CAN heal yourself. I am not a qualified health professional, but I can share my story and the resources I used, and be a friend” https://www.verawilhelmsen.com/https://youtube.com/c/VeraWilhelmsenhttps://www.instagram.com/verawilhelmsen

There is significant truth behind the statement "everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about".  A conversation with my stepsister reveals how toxic parenting, favoritism, manipulation and emotional immaturity can fracture family ties - usually beyond repair.  My stepsister was the scapegoat and I bounced back and forth from golden to lost child.  All the assigned roles have their poisonous ripple effects.It may help to first check out the episode titled "1 single revelation every BIG STEP she takes".  

"It is my goal to help other who grew up in homes with Alcoholics. I tell my story in hopes of bringing awareness to Alcoholism. I want to help other children of alcoholics, find community, develop their voices and heal. My work is dedicated to help create community, promote healing and change the attitude around Alcohol." - Colleen PerryInstagramFacebookBloghttps://linktr.ee/CA_Perry

Codependency, the habit of gaining your self worth from pleasing others, is something most people know of nowadays. But it's lesser known opposite, called counterdependency, can be just as much of a problem and is often related to codependency.  Those who suffer counterdependency have a dread of ever depending on or needing anyone, at heart of which is an inability to trust. If there was a mantra that all counterdependents have, it would probably be “I don't need anyone.”   It can cause intense (if often well hidden) feelings of loneliness. This can often spiral into depression and anxiety. If it isn't the loneliness that causes severe low moods, it's often the hidden low self-esteem that counterdependents suffer from, which is one of the leading pathways to major depressive episodes.  I appeared strong, secure, hardworking, and successful on the outside. On the inside, I was ashamed, insecure, and fearful.  Counterdependents may function well in the world of business, but are often insecure in the world of relationships. Frequently they have poor social and emotional skills, are afraid to get close to others, and avoid intimate situations as much as possible. They also create a lot of defenses to prevent anyone from seeing their secret weaknesses, neediness and vulnerability. I put on a good front to prove that I was okay and do not need anything from anyone. These defensive tactics create feelings of loneliness, alienation, and a sense of “quiet desperation.”https://weinholds.org/the-flight-from-intimacy-healing-counter-dependency/

On my healing journey, I wrote (but never sent) a letter to my toxic parents.  Journal therapy originated in the 1960s with psychologist Dr. Ira Progoff's Intensive Journal method. With his developments, the therapeutic potential of journal writing moved into public view. One of the ways to deal with any overwhelming emotion is to find a healthy way to express yourself. This makes a journal a helpful tool in managing your mental health. It can make us more aware (and self-aware!) and help us detect sneaky, unhealthy patterns in our thoughts and behaviors. It allows us to take more control over our lives and puts things in perspective. Further, it can help us shift from a negative mindset to a more positive one, especially about ourselves. All the experts encourage us to write freely.  Silence your inner critic and ignore the urge to edit your work. Therapeutic journal writing is not meant to be pretty or grammatically correct; it is meant to be real.Journaling can help you:Manage anxiety and reduce stressCope with depressionCalm your mind, examine your thoughts and shift your perspectiveReduce rumination and promote actionLink to poemhttps://poetrybycharlescfinn.com/pages/please-hear-what-im-not-saying

Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behaviors that wear down a person's self-esteem and undermine their mental health. Children often lack the perspective to be able to identify the abusive elements of their emotional relationship with their parents, and it's only in adulthood that they're more able to detect them. The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal. ~ Astrid Alauda Forms of emotional abuseIgnoring and withholding attention and affection, including the silent treatmentDisapproving, dismissing, and condescending looks, comments, behaviorThreats of abandonment – physical and/or emotionalInvalidation – inability or refusal to acknowledge the child's feelings or experienceCovertly or overtly make you feel in the way and unwantedBlame child for their problems or circumstancesProjecting their pain and disappointment onto childrenEncouraging  overdependence and crushing individuality Intentionally undermined my ability to take care of myself and reinforced self-doubtNegative comparisons to siblings or peers – creating solid foundation of deficiencyExpressions of disgust that emphasize and emphasizes rejectionConstant switching from engulfing to ignoring, intrusive to indifferent, depending on  moodsFree E-Book

Shame is often referred to as “the toxic cousin of guilt. Guilt says “I've done something bad”.  Shame says “I am bad”.  Shame may show up in some of these ways: feeling inferior, defective, flawed, worthless, phony, and unlovable. For codependents, shame can lead to control, caretaking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones. Many people sabotage themselves in work and relationships because of these fears. You aren't assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. You blame others because you already feel so bad about yourself that you can't take responsibility for any mistake or misunderstanding. Codependents are afraid to get close because they don't believe they're worthy of love, or that once known, they'll disappoint the other person. The unconscious thought might be that “I'll leave before you leave me.” Fear of success and failure may limit job performance and career options.  When we feel guilty, we are looking outward and seek to reverse the harm we caused. When we feel ashamed, we turn our attention inward, focusing on the chaos churning inside us and are unable to recognize what is going on around us. Authentic parental connection, unconditional love and attunement from the day you are born is a foundation for self-esteem, self-acceptance and self-love.  Too many of us don't get that.  Instead, we get ignored, rejected, criticized, judged, belittled, controlled and manipulated and grow up into adults that feel undeserving, inadequate, angry and inferior…all leading to shame. I perceived everything through a shame filter, even when it wasn't intended that way, it distorted my perception, created a manic hypervigilance to my environment and blocked authentic connection with myself and the people in my life.  Compassion is the anecdote to shame. Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then you're able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates. When we step back from momentary experiences that trigger shame and observe it without self-loathing, we are strengthening our capacity for self-reflection.  Toxic parents shamed the real you into oblivion.  Awareness and acceptance will expose the “you are not good enough lie” that we were told by people who didn't know better.  When you bring compassion to your daily thought process, you'll be empowered and liberated by a shift in your thinking and well-being and you will feel less isolated.https://self-compassion.org/ https://www.johnbradshaw.com/ https://healingfromhiddenabuse.com/

Comparing ourselves to others allows them to drive our behavior. I often worked too hard to determine what others expected so I  can make sure I  fit in.  I was constantly feeling less than, wanting to be greater than – leading to an ultra-competitive and unhealthy mindset.You can be anything but you can't be everything. When we compare ourselves to others, we're often comparing their best features against our average ones. Not only do we naturally want to be better than them, the unconscious realization that we are not is self-destructive. There is one thing that you're better at than other people: being you. This is the only game you can really win. Once you acknowledge that lifebecomes about being a better version of yourself. And when that happened for me my effort and energy was directed at being awake and aware and raising my emotional IQ.  I became more content, experienced a freedom that is hard to put into words, accepting and graceful rather than bitter and angry.  Comparison fostered a false identity – once that identity went away I was able to focus on the present moment and be authentic.https://tinybuddha.com/

When parents emotionally ignore children, they feel invisible, invalidated, worthless, and disconnected from their true self.  Parents with unhealed emotional wounds are unable to authentically connect with their children and this lack of connection makes children chronically question their value.  They then turn to OUTSIDE forms of validation in an attempt to block feeling the deep pain of rejection. And then grow up to unconsciously teach their children to do the same thing.  It's a horrible addictive cycle. If you grew up believing you had work hard and prove yourself to be seen and loved, you will perpetuate these toxic behavior patterns through your adult life in the form of unhealthy relational dynamics with yourself, your partners, your career, your social circle and your children. 

Marisa shares her story of surviving and healing from childhood emotional, mental, and physical abuse through Instagram (@littlebent_notbroken) to help others in a similar situation or with a similar background feel seen and heard, and to validate their experiences and emotions. Covert abuse in the form of narcissism or gaslighting can disconnect the victim from their inherent inner voice and their intuition. It is Marisa's mission to help other survivors reclaim their birthright of self-love and compassion and empower them to live their lives full of freedom, joy, and independence. Instagram

The problem with negative thoughts is that they can become self-fulfilling prophecies. We talk ourselves into believing that we're not good enough. And, as a result, these thoughts drag down our personal lives, our relationships, and our careers. Affirmations are positive statements that can help you to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. When you repeat them often and believe in them, you can start to make positive changes. Many of us do repetitive exercises to improve our physical health, and affirmations are like exercises for our mind and soul. These positive mental repetitions can reprogram our thinking patterns so that, over time, we begin to think – and act – differently and better.  Generally speaking, validation builds relationships and helps ease upset feelings. Knowing that you are understood and that others accept your emotions and thoughts is powerful. Validation is like relationship glue.  Self-Validating your thoughts and emotions will help you calm yourself and manage them more effectively. Validating yourself will help you accept and better understand yourself, which leads to a stronger identity and better skills at managing intense emotions. Self-validation helps you find wisdom.  What I am hoping to accomplish with lyrics is to create affirmations and provide validation and put them both to music so the same way a song gets inside your head – I hope the meaning behind the lyrics do that as well.SpotifyAppleAmazonLW Music

Gail Ferguson Jones is an award-winning journalist, speaker, podcaster and family recovery coach. She is a recovering codependent who survived the trauma and chaos of three generations of alcoholism in her family: maternal grandmother, father and husband, all of whom died of the disease. After hitting a personal rock bottom about eight years ago, she embarked on a healing journey and is dedicated to sharing the beauty, freedom and empowerment of recovery. Gail's Buttrfly Effect program offers peer-to-peer coaching, specializing in recovery from codependency. Learn more or subscribe to her newsletter at http://www.buttrflyeffect.com/ or contact her at info@buttrflyeffect.com.Link to podcast

Toxic Family DynamicsSplitting: Planting seeds where jealousy resentment, and anger will flourish.Pitting: Setting family members against each other, usually through dishonesty.Smear Campaigns: Premediated efforts to ruin another person's reputation and character usually by lying and deceit.Chronic disrespect and contempt.Becomes angry and enraged when you assert boundaries. Refusal to apologize.Takes no responsibility, blames others.Controlling & Guilt trips.Overt and covert verbal abuse.5 Toxic Family RolesThe “Hero” or “Responsible Child” -T hey are self-sufficient, perfectionistic, and over-achievers. They are afraid of becoming like their parent, so they learn to be the exact opposite. If the hero has a narcissistic parent, they are often that parent's favorite child. As a result, the hero relies on performing well in order to feel and receive love.The “Scapegoat” or “problem” The scapegoat or trouble maker is often angry and defensive. They tell the truth by acting out the family's problems that are usually denied at home. The scapegoat is often the child that toxic parents are the most ashamed of. They come off as rebellious, distrustful, and cynical, but beneath their hard exterior, they are the most emotionally sensitive. The scapegoat has been hurt and damaged by their abusive parent and can be self-destructive. The “Lost Child” or “Dreamer” - They are often invisible in their family and try to cope with their family's struggles by disappearing and focus their attention on reading books, daydreaming, or watching movies. The lost child is typically very shy and enjoys having a lot of space and solitude. Because they withdraw themselves from others, they struggle with developing important social skills and relationships with others, and often suffer from low self-esteem.The “Mascot” or “Class Clown” - Typically known as “the cute one,” they are always ready to lighten the mood by cracking jokes or putting on an entertaining show for others. Often, the mascot feels powerless from the family's dysfunctions and tries to cope by breaking the anger, tension, and conflict with fun and humor. Behind the mascot's cheerful demeanor, they usually suffer from anxiety and depression. Mascot children often struggle with low self-esteem issues and can exhibit workaholic tendencies to make up for their insecurities. Mascot children enjoy helping others with their problems because it's a way to distract them from their own. TThe “Enabler” or “Caretaker”The enabler often justifies the behavior of the toxic or addicted parent. They are the martyr and good at masking the family's downfalls and dysfunctions, making sure that the public sees that they're a happy, well-rounded family. It's painful for the caretaker to come to terms with what happens behind the scenes. Ihttps://www.regain.us/advice/family/toxic-family-dynamics-the-signs-and-how-to-cope-with-them/https://www.outofthestorm.website/dysfunctional-family-roles

Definition of dis-ease - a particular quality, habit, or disposition regarded as adversely affecting a person or group of people.Early experiences of stress and trauma require soothing by caring, consistent parental figures. When that care isn't available early in life or when stressors are chronic, it can wreak havoc with our worldview, making us feel unsafe and hyper-vigilant.Psychotherapy helped me understand that I can do something to repair the damage caused by generational dysfunction. I took a big step back back, which is a surprisingly rare act, and studied the inner workings of the mind and how it affected my spirit and soul. Understanding thoughts that produce negative behaviors, emotional triggers, and lead to bad decisions helped me move forward on a healing journey.https://www.whatiscodependency.com/

Gaslighting — any sort of statement that makes someone doubt their own feelings or perceptions — is a common tactic used in abusive relationships. But it's also present in many kinds of relationships; not limited to romantic relationships, it may occur in parent-child ones, as well. Once you can spot the signs your parents are gaslighting you, you may come to realize that this type of behavior is practically normalized — although it definitely shouldn't be.People who gaslight other people in their lives may have a psychological disorder called narcissistic personality disorder. A person with this type of mental disorder has an inflated sense of self and needs and craves attention but may secretly feel vulnerable and ashamed of themselves — she or he also feels intense hurt when someone criticizes them, which explains why it's often so difficult for narcissist parents to even realize they are gaslighting their kids. If left unchecked, long-term effects of gaslighting can leave the child feeling highly insecure, bitter, inflexible, anxious and aggressive. They grow up to be unsure of their place in the world, develop inferiority issues or seem highly paranoid and mistrusting of others.During the first stage of development from birth to eighteen months, a child learns to trust their parent to meet their basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, support and nurturing. When a parent meets these needs, the child learns to trust; when it is not met, the child develops mistrust. Once the trust has been established, the child will naturally believe the parent over their own intuition.A parent who gaslights their child is manipulatively deceptive. They take advantage of their position of trust and authority over the child to meet their own dysfunctional needs. The child, whose brain and emotions are still in the developmental stages, doesn't have the ability to see their parent's behavior as abusive. Rather, the child trusts the parent even more and begins to believe that they are in fact crazy. Sometimes this process is done in ignorance, as their parents did the same behavior to them as children. Other times, it is done intentionally to keep the child emotionally stunted so the parent can remain in control. 

The phrase “Gray Rock Method” was first coined by blogger Skylar in this article on her website: https://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/ after a fateful conversation she had with a complete stranger. You should definitely go and read that article after you've finished here.Whether you play a big role such as a partner or family member, or a smaller part such as an occasional acquaintance, adopting the Gray Rock method is an effective way to get yourself written out of the series altogether.Just imagine watching a scene from a show or film in which one character gives nothing in the way of emotion or interesting dialogue. How boring would that be? You'd probably switch over to something else, right?There's an old saying that is quite relevant here: you can't get blood from a stone.In this case, you are the stone (or rock) and the blood is any behavior that provides the narcissist with the supply they crave.Keep dialogue to an absolute minimum. If you don't have to talk to them, don't.Never talk about your personal life, even the smallest details.They will hook their claws into any morsel of information you provide and use it to try and further the conversation and extract narcissistic supply from you.They want to know what you value in your life now. They envy what you have (regardless of what it is), and if they can't have it, they will seek to take it from you somehow.Remember, they are driven by their egos, and any suggestion that you are better off without them or that they are in some way inferior to you will be seen as an affront to their identity.They see themselves as above everyone else in every regard, and if you imply that you are doing better than they are, it will enrage them.Do not ask them questions.The Gray Rock Method is not always easy, but it is often effective. You might want to scream at them at times, but by biting your tongue and not flinching when they try to get a response, you will starve them of the drama they feed off.Rather than go without it (which is simply not an option for them), a narcissist will look elsewhere for a new source of supply.http://flyingmonkeysdenied.com/

Annie Highwater is a Writer, Speaker, Podcast Host and Family Advocate. She has a particular interest in family pathology and concepts of dysfunction, addiction, alcoholism and conflict. Annie published her memoir, Unhooked: A Mother's Story of Unhitching from the Roller Coaster of Her Son's Addiction, in 2016.Annie's Mission: There are more people affected by addiction than addicted.  My mission is to promote healthy dialogue and to offer support, information and hope to the stressed out, affected family, partners and friends (the “entourage”) of those in the grips of addiction, alcoholism and SUD.  I believe no one should have to go through it alone.https://www.facebook.com/AnnieUnhooked/https://anchor.fm/annie-highwaterhttp://anniehighwater.com/about/https://www.amazon.com/Annie-Highwater/e/B01M7RVC7D%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_shareOther than being known as "Elliot's Mom," Annie Highwater is a long distance runner, health and wellness advocate and a fanatical researcher of behavioral science, family pathology and concepts of dysfunction and conflict. Annie resides in Columbus, Ohio where she has worked in the insurance industry. She also enjoys writing, yoga and visiting her son in Southern California as often as possible.

For years (actually decades!) Carol didn't know what she wanted to do. She had been working in the corporate world for over 20 years, most recently in a leadership role at a Fortune 5 company. Although she worked hard and was consistently recognized and promoted, she somehow knew that she was meant to do something different. she felt stuck in a life that didn't fit. In early 2018, she left her corporate job and made the leap into the unknown. After doing months of intense inner work with her coach, Michael Sandler, and reconnecting to her higher wisdom, she discovered that she could combine her life and business experience with her soul-aligned interests. She knew she had a talent for building thriving, productive teams and helping people to see their unique strengths and gifts, but it took a while for her Soul-aligned purpose to emergeShe became the creator and Co-founder of The Divine Breadcrumb, a global online community and podcast, which showcases amazing people shining their light around the world. She started writing a blog to share her own story. These are things she couldn't have imagined a few years ago. But as often is the case, the Universe had an even bigger plan for her than she had for herself.She is now a certified Inspire Nation coach, focusing on awareness, empowerment & transition. She helps her clients to clear old patterns & beliefs, connect to their heart intelligence, re-wire the mind and discover meaning and purpose. It's when we do this inner work that we can move forward towards our goals with confidence. Her Soul knew what she would be doing long before she did, and she is grateful that she followed the Divine map that was laid out before her.  She loves traveling, exploring new cultures, being in nature and helping people on their own paths. She holds a B.A. in Communications from Hofstra University. She lives in Massachusetts with her rambunctious and hilarious rescue cats, Petey and Emmett.CoachingPodcastLinkedIn

A false self is created as an adaptation to emotionally ignorant and immature parents who selfishly wallowed in self-unawareness and project their needs and misery onto an infant rather than reflecting the infant's actual moods. Simply put, the false self is not real. It is the disconnected self.  You do not naturally belong here or anywhere and you use defense mechanisms and search for all the wring ways to fill up your emptiness. The True Self is characterized by inner peace, acceptance and deep contentment. It's okay, right here, right nowMy parents were toxic, selfish, greedy, fragile and inconsistent.  I was unnaturally and unhealthily attuned to their demands, sensing that I had to comply in order to be loved and tolerated; I had to be false before I had the chance to feel properly alive. And as a result, many years later, without knowing why, I felt dead inside. I now know I was forced to comply far too early; I was obedient at the expense of my ability to be authentic.The false-self thought and behavior patterns stayed with me as an adult. While they used to be helpful when I was young, this toxic thought process and negative behavior patterns was an not only an obstacle to inner peace and spiritual fulfillment but actually slowly killed me from the inside out. About Dr. WinicottSpotifyBook

Season 3 Episode 3Our brains overreact when facing uncertainty because they're wired to react to it with fear. Research has shown that as the uncertainty of scenarios increase, the subjects' brains shifted control over to the limbic system, the place where emotions, such as anxiety and fear, are generated. This brain quirk worked great eons ago, when cavemen encountered a woolly mammoth. Overwhelming caution and fear ensured survival. But that's not the case today. This mechanism, which hasn't evolved, is a hindrance in the world of business, where uncertainty rules and important decisions must be made every day with minimal information. If you google antonyms for the word “uncertainty”, these are some of what comes up – trust, self-confidence, positivity and patience. We have all heard over and over that people are creatures of habit. It doesn't seem to matter whether those habits are good for us or bad for us; they provide comfort. I held such a tight death-grip on everything is because I was afraid if I let go, things won't be okay.  Survivors of emotional abuse and neglect are terrified of abandonment and will hold on tightly to anything in order not to re-experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with broken people who were never there emotionally for us. SpotifyWeb site

Season 3 Episode 2 - human DOings & human BEings Doing more, constantly putting myself out there, saying yes to every opportunity, cradling every tangible and intangible experience like a an Olympic medal…I believed these things will get me exposure, accolades, recognition and sales…but in reality they brought on stress, depression, frustration, more emptiness and anxiety. When we conduct our lives from a place of being rather than doing, we accept uncertainty and don't focus on self-protection. When we plan, organizing every step and making sure we've covered all bases, fear drives that.  Real fear comes from wanting to protect ourselves instead of wanting to let go.  I had it backwards and found out it takes more courage to trust the process and let things happen the way they are supposed to.  I was conditioned to DO for acceptance and validation from when I was a baby. That's how I got noticed and seen. Not for who I was (or who I was being). The result, over time, was a total disconnection from my soul/spirit and living a life from the outside in - virtually guaranteeing multiple mental health issues. SpotifyWeb site

Heal in Place.  Fill your Still. Anger. I used to be angry…most of the time. I have a mother, father and stepfather with various personality disorders who erratically switch back and forth from being overly demanding or callously indifferent.  I was set up for a life of no confidence, perpetual sadness masked by raged and an addiction to results and outcomes. I carried terrible shame of coming from people who didn't give me the attention I needed and deserved – as all young children do. Throughout adulthood, the occasional flashbacks and anxiety attacks seemed to never end. And neither did questioning my ability to be a good mother.  I was constantly in fear of not being strong enough to break the cycle of abuse.When you have a temper like I used to, it is difficult to admit there's a problem. I would go from zero to 100 too often. I would snap, freak out, feel guilty and repeat that cycle. I was a boiling kettle with nowhere for the steam to go. If a kettle has no way to release steam, it explodes…like I used to. Looking back, I wish I had more self-control but at the time it seemed impossible to change. I saw my anger as a genetic flaw that I had to put up with along with the negative consequences that always followed my tantrums.FacebookInstagramSpotify

Season 3 | Episode 1. This is an AMAZING STORY.  Jennifer Pazienza lives on Keswick Ridge in New Brunswick, Atlantic Canada and creates poetic and contemplative paintings. "Since I was young, the natural world has been my haven for refuge and renewal. A compelling feature in my work is what's not there - most especially humans. I want people to visually step into my paintings to explore and outfit them with experiences from their own lives. Through art I express my regard for connection, healing and love".Jennifer lost both of her parents when she was very young and not only is she a survivor of emotional abuse and sexual abuse, but she is also a healer and a thriver. Jennifer proves that "it doesn't matter how you start, it's how you finish".  Links to Jennifer's work:https://www.instagram.com/jenniferpazienza/https://www.jenniferpazienza.com/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xb9WOTpLfI4&feature=youtu.be http://www.theartistnextlevel.com/creating-new-art-opportunities-with-jennifer-pazienza-podcast-185/  What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral  

Heal in Place. Fill your Still. Triggers. What are emotional triggers? They are those super-reactive places inside you that become activated by someone else's behaviors or comments. When triggered, you may either withdraw emotionally and simply feel hurt or angry or respond in an aggressive way that you will probably regret later. Your reaction is so intense because you're defending against a painful feeling that has surfaced. Your emotional triggers are wounds that need to heal. These beliefs are based on fears—they are not reality. You don't want to be frequently triggered. It is exhausting and painful, especially for highly sensitive and empathic people.I used to have a very short fuse – my temper reflected a problem with emotional triggers.  Emotional triggers can be anything - people, words, opinions, situations that suddenly provoke an intense, uncontrollable emotional reaction within us.https://www.facebook.com/tresedaatman

Season 2 Episode 10. Should statements give you two options: you pass or you fail–when in reality, life is much more complex than that.  And when we don't meet the expectations that these “should demands” set up for us, we feel guilty, we feel shame, and we feel like we aren't living up to our potential. As I've become more interested in healing and getting rid of toxic behaviors, I have learned how destructive the word “should” is. It's a word rooted in negativity, guilt, and pressure. The word makes you basically feel the same way as you felt when your parents ignored you, minimized you, controlled you and criticized you. When I told other people they should or shouldn't do something, I wasn't respecting their boundaries or their ability to make the best decisions for themselves. I now know using the word should does not come from an authentic and fulfilled place. Should comes from guilt. When we say we should do something, it's another way of expressing that whatever we've chosen to do isn't enough. Should is critical. It creates pressure. And breeds insecurity. "Should" statements can be impacting your struggle with panic, anxiety, and depression. Should is judgmental. While should is a bad word to use with regard to our own actions, it's equally dangerous to use when directed at others. When we tell others what they should do, we are judging them as harshly as we are judging ourselves.SpotifyWeb site

Heal in Place. Fill your Still. Setting boundaries.  Most people who have weak personal boundaries had no role models when they were young. Witnessing narcissistic and codependent dynamics that probably goes back generations contributes to us believing that love = what we did, not who we were. Boundaries are like an invisible shield or fence around you. It's a line you set for yourself and others that separates you from others and their influence. Boundaries are a measure of self-esteem. They limit the ability of toxic people being too comfortable criticizing, controlling and manipulating you and are important mental, emotional, and physical walls that protect us being used and exploited by toxic people. Setting and sustaining boundaries is a skill I had to learn.  A main characteristic of narcissists is that they have no regard for personal boundaries. They violate boundaries at will with no thought or concern of how the other person feels. Children of narcissists, like me, bullied and frustrated. On my healing journey I learned about setting boundaries with people, and with my own mother.  I gave up trying toxic behaviors driven by the unconscious goal that she will magically transform in to a loving person.  I stopped my exhaustive, futile attempts at pleasing her.  

Emotional neglect is different from emotional abuse because it is often unintentional. Parents, due to their own misery and preoccupation with unhealed wounds from their childhood, may have emotionally neglected you. This omission played a huge part in shaping you into the adult you are today and may dictate how much emotional regulation and relational intelligence you may or may not have. Children rely on their parents to meet their physical AND emotional needs. Invisible damage is done when parents fail to teach coping strategies and emotional regulation.Your parents may have been emotionally neglected by their own parents, and because they didn't have good role models, they passed this invisible poison on to you. It is a vicious never ending cycle because no one decides to wake up and break the toxic patterns.  Financial challenges, abandonment, addictions, divorce, toxic greed and behavior disorders can all lead to emotional neglect because parents are unable to cope with themselves or life in general and therefore chronically unavailable for their children. My family, going back over 100 years, on both sides, was raised children to believe that their feelings don't matter, you are all an inconvenience, and even though you are an emotionally starved toddler…you, as a person, don't matter.  Toxic family patterns like mine breed emotional starvation and low self-worth. As a consequence, we desperately search the outside world for an escape from this pain and shame.  

Part of my healing journey is fulfilling a recently discovered life purpose by reaching out to those in need of healing from emotional abuse by toxic parents and transgenerational dysfunction.  If you are sheltering in place, perhaps some of you would like to use this time of no distractions to acquire new healing strategies.  If you are like how I used to be…a chaotic emotional fire fighter addicted to busyness and outcomes…this quiet time may feel like torture.  If you are craving an emotionally healthier life and experiencing a spiritual awakening y…I truly hope these mini-podcasts resonate.  I try to cover a lot of ground in a direct way so you can heal in place and fill your still.  Today I want to talk about Toxic Family Systems. A family system is like a game of pool. When you shoot the cue ball into the balls it scatters them in different directions but they all don't scatter the same way. Think about your ancestors and your family history.  What kind of environment were your parents raised in?  Are you able to see why they developed unhealthy behaviors and perhaps personality disorders?  Does recognizing toxic family patterns help you to have compassion for them and for you? I didn't say forgive. I said compassion…meaning empathize with them in order to reduce your own anger.  If you have more awareness, that may lead to less hostility – towards yourself and them. 

Heal in Place.  Fill your Still. Respond vs React. When you react, your emotions are in control, with no thought of consequences. Feelings are not facts and so your amygdala is running the show. I deluded myself for years believing that when I was screaming and throwing temper tantrums that I was taking control of a situation that I didn't like.  Looking back with this newly acquired wisdom – I now know the polar opposite was true.  Because I was not in control of the storms raging inside me I would over react to everything going on outside me.  My reactions were automatic and survival oriented and often elicited behaviors that I regretted later. An over-reaction stresses us physically too. We clench our fists and our jaw. We feel our stomach turn. Our face turns red and our defenses are on high alert.  When you respond, your brain is fully engaged, and your self-awareness is high.  Your pre-frontal cortex has the long-term consequences in mind. Your amygdala is not in charge. To respond to an explosive situation take a deep breath, a pause, or a brief moment to keep yourself together. That moment can mean the difference between navigating the situation with dignity and maturity or crashing hard into a pit of blame and shame. 

Heal in Place.  Fill your Still. Perfectionism. This is Tami Atman with the Stuck stops here.  We are alone together experiencing fear and anxiety over what is happening in the world today. I am using this time of reflection to nurture my recently discovered life purpose of sharing the resources I used on my healing journey which began in 2014. Many of us right now are sheltering in place –with no distractions and also no escape.  This forced “stillness” can be tortuous and painful for those feeling trapped by the pandemic as well as by the effects of a toxic childhood.  I have created these minipodcasts with a goal to alleviate some of your pain by sharing my experiences in a very direct and succinct way.  I hope it is a doorway to your own healing journey or be the wind at your back if you are already on path to healing.  Today's podcast is about Perfectionism. Perfectionism is something I believe our society has rewarded and celebrated to the detriment of our mental health. Researchers are finding that it is nothing short of dangerous, leading to a long list of health problems – and that it's on the rise. The rise in perfectionism doesn't mean each generation is becoming more accomplished. It means we're getting sicker, sadder and even undermining our own potential.I learned that perfectionism doesn't just that it holds you back from being your most successful, productive self. It is linked to: depression, anxiety, self-sabotaging behaviors, social anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders, addictions, post-traumatic stress disorder, chronic fatigue syndrome, insomnia, migraines, and even suicide.My reaction to well-entrenched toxic family patterns caused me to be an overachiever and I was obsessed with outcomes and results. I believed I was valuable only because of what I accomplished or what I did for other people. 

Heal in Place.  Fill your Still. Toxic Shame. Toxic shame eats away at your spirit and soul, crushing positive energy out of us and allowing negative life forces like self-hate to take over. We shrink. We feel like we mean nothing. We feel we are nothing. As a result of toxic shame passed down through generations in my family, I believed that I was unlovable; I don't matter; everything is my fault; I can't do anything right; I'm a bad person; my needs and feelings are not important; I can't be myself around others; I have to hide my true emotions and the real me; I'm never good enough. As Brené Brown states so eloquently, it's common for trauma survivors to “dress rehearse tragedy” in order to try to “protect themselves” from future trauma. They may run through every scenario they can think of and come up with a plan for how to handle it. They may think, if they act in a certain way, bad things won't happen. I was addicted to dress rehearsing tragedy.  It controlled my every waking thought and guided every bad decision I made and it made me reenact the trauma over and over again. Generational toxic shame passes down through family members because no one is aware of their own trauma.  Shame replaces innocence, joy, curiosity and forced everyone in my family to build disturbing walls of protection, blame and defiance. My mom, Dad and stepdad were so full of shame that they couldn't help but project it onto me. If I hadn't woken up, I would have passed it on to my children. Toxic shame can turn on a genetic predisposition for depression, addiction, fibromyalgia, gut issues, autoimmune disorders, physical illness, personality disorders, mental illness and the list goes on.https://www.angermanage.co.uk/shame-test/ 

Heal in Place.  Fill your Still. Dissociation | Emotional detachment. Dissociation, or emotional detachment, is a defense mechanism used to cope with highly stressful or overwhelming emotions. It is a disconnection between your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I avoided dealing with traumatic memories and negative emotions which was caused by my toxic parents who had no emotional awareness and did not and could not teach healthy emotional regulation. For most of my life I coped poorly with obstacles both big and small, tried to control everything and when emotions would surface was I was totally overwhelmed by them so I would shut down. I remember as a child having really bad panic attacks followed by crippling emptiness afterward and felt totally depleted, and that kind of emotional exhaustion can feel like numbness. Acknowledging the role you may be playing in your own misery by identifying causes, triggers, and stressors, learning to maturely deal with them and reframing both past and present experiences in order to see them as they really are and not through a learned distorted lens. This was a game changer for me.  Once I understood that I actually did have a choice – a choice that my past did not have to continue to define me for the rest of my life.  There was a huge wave of relief and freedom that washed over me when I learned that I could teach myself new coping strategies and not remain stuck with the same toxic family patterns that plagued my family for over 100 years. www.talkspace.com www.betterhelp.comwww.katimorton.com/https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G07OLla_bao

Heal in place.  Fill your still. Spirituality. During these unusual and uncertain times, I created mini-podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey.  Many of you cannot attend your place of religious worship so I thought spirituality might be a helpful topic to cover. In 2014, I hit rock bottom – hard.  During my recovery from severe depression and crippling anxiety I discovered a world of resources on the internet. Simply put, google saved my life. Many of us right now are sheltering in place –with no distractions and also no escape.  This forced “stillness” can be tortuous and painful for those still grappling with the effects of a toxic childhood.  I am hoping to alleviate some of that pain by providing resources to begin your healing journey or be the wind at your back if you are already on path to authentic spiritual awakening.  I truly hope these mini-podcasts resonate.  I try to cover a lot of ground in a succinct way so you can heal in place and fill your still. Today's podcast is dedicated to Aletheia Luna and Mateo Sol.  I am sharing today, how the information on their web site lonerwolf.com helped me.Express yourself. If you don't already engage in artistic or expressive activities, learn to dance, make something, study a topic that interests you, play a musical instrument, engage in creative writing, start a personal journal, or take art lessons. Doing so puts you in touch with your creative, right brain side. We all need to balance the logical, linear aspects of ourselves. It took me too long to figure this out.  Being aware of, and cultivating spirituality contributes to our overall joy and happiness. It's never too late to develop it.  I am much more content and fulfilled since I started devoting part of my life to psychology, music and writing. https://lonerwolf.com/ If there is a topic you would like me to cover email me at thestuckstopshere@gmail.com

Heal in Place. Fill your Still. Emotionally Immature Parents. During these uncertain and anxious times, I have created mini-podcasts to share the resources I used on my healing journey.  If you are sheltering in place, perhaps use this time of no distractions to acquire new healing strategies.  If you are like how I used to be…a chaotic emotional fire fighter…this quiet time may feel like torture.  If you experiencing a spiritual awakening and are searching for a path to recovery or already on a healing journey…I truly hope these mini-podcasts resonate.  I try to cover a lot of ground in a direct way so you can heal in place and fill your still.Today's episode is dedicated to Dr. Jonice Webb and Dr. Lindsay Gibson. I have read their books and articles and highly recommend them.  They detail how emotionally immature parents feel safest when they maintain control by using guilt and shame. Their parent-child attachment is more about dominance and obedience than affection, security, and guidance. The child of emotionally immature parents is there to serve the needs of the parent, not the other way around. It is clear to children that they are literally good or bad on the basis of how well they please the parents. Emotionally immature parents like mine are thin-skinned, see themselves as god like and I spent my childhood avoiding displeasing these all-powerful beings who can strike an innocent fearful child down with vengeance or abandon you when you are weakesthttp://www.drlindsaygibson.com/https://drjonicewebb.com/