Survival Mode

In honor of season 2 of Euphoria being released on HBO Max this week, and for my cheating, dishonest, liar of a “partner” to not be able to watch it since I logged out of my own Hulu and his other girlfriend's HBO max accounts on both of his tvs per her request upon discovering the extent of said aforementioned dishonesty and manipulation while watching his dog, his “daughter”, for him while he was on vacation in Puerto Rico–a country he might be staying in, but one that was bailed out by the guy whose apartment I stayed in one street away from the Louvre the first year I went to Paris. Suck on my balls. It has been a week, let me tell ya. I really, REALLY, REALLY cannot stress how much I absolutely did not need this character development. But, as just seems to be the case with me and “life”, probably the most unfortunate series of events have begun unraveling and I really regret making so many jokes about being the devil and going down to Georgia, because I am just emotionally getting my ass absolutely demolished and I don't necessarily think I needed to. I feel like anyone who has read enough of the blog can maybe just take some sympathy towards that and all I have to say is that at 28 years old, I understand why so many single old ladies are so content in their old age to share the wisdom that is ignoring men. I get why my parents were so strict with me. The world is not a nice place. Turns out, it hurts even worse when it's from someone who goes above and beyond to emphasize how they choose you, or the way they plan their life with you, the way they phrase things to be inclusive (and point it out). Mu'fuckin diversity consultants. Someone who epitomizes and brings you back to perhaps the only formal community you remain within, the Carolina community, who evokes its presence to make you feel at home, belonged, and appreciated, just to lie to you. Someone who has heard and watched you speak on the things that have impacted you, and still impact you, who asks you to trust them, to believe in them, while being objectively dishonest, and not just to me. It just goes to show that if the value of your words have no meaning, how do you expect anyone to allow you to lead them. When you lie to yourself, for fear of the truth, your version of “honesty” becomes subjective. THIS is my villain origin story (as if we didn't have enough of THOSE already). Thank the gods for Megara, Maleficent, Cruella de Vil at times, all the strong, sassy, Disney women ahead of their time for reminding me how to channel my rage: into disgust and spite for the system that has enabled whatever these “men” are. This is what happens when we have people like Donald Trump avoid the draft, whose parents and lines of financing likely benefited from it extensively, while all the truly good ones went off and died from guerilla warfare tactics because again, we are always the terrorists on foreign land, why would other countries not view us in such a light–the civil affairs emergence in the army is just as stunted as “public health” programs in the USA. It is no WONDER we have such a cultural emphasis on avoiding reality. Which, like, what country doesn't? I mean, if the Japanese government can deny the Nanjing Massacre despite the International Military Tribunal's judgment, the USA denying the lasting impacts of racism and the necessity for public health and progressive legislation seems pretty on par, honestly. I mean, as far as international delusions go, the USA also competes heavily with Russia and China in these Olympics as well, is all I'm saying.

One of my best friends from high school, the one and only Dylan Santos, discuss life values, overcoming breaking up an engagement, stealing someone’s girlfriend, small town gossip, the history of human behavior, friendship & human connection, the contrast in our family dynamics and what that means for how we frame marriage, and Zeda speaks a bit more on how those ideas have related to her recent interactions with the MLS player, along with larger considerations on ethics and morality in relation to the law and current environment in the USA.

I sat down to write this piece a few times over the past couple of months and I just… couldn't. They say writing about what is hardest is the most rewarding, cathartic, and difficult–explicable by the history of alcoholism and depression within “the arts”, but this topic was another beast. Perhaps because I don't have an answer to the questions I'll soon pose. Perhaps because some of the events are still “too fresh”. Perhaps because I'm not sure it's possible to remedy. I have a slew of topics that I sit down to cover and know it's just not the right time to put the words down, let alone edit them, record them, re-listen to them, and for some reason over the last month that's just how I felt about “this”. Maybe I didn't know where to start, or how to say it–being a particularly sensitive topic, but it's a conversation we need to start having more practically. However, I run best on spite and a sprinkle of wickedness and after a rather disappointing discussion with a group of professional and semi-pro athletes, many of whom are college educated black men… …I simply don't understand what the fuck is wrong with men. These men doubled down on the fact that they think it is COMPLETELY fine to be deceitful, dishonest, and manipulative in order to get a woman into bed because it's part of “your game”. EVEN AFTER I LOOKED RIGHT AT SOMEONE I'VE KNOWN FOR OVER A DECADE AND SAID, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YA'LL. THAT IS NOT “CONSENT”.” This is exactly why dating men for women is America's “most dangerous game”. (Also, perhaps, why I like it.) Be like Megan Thee Stallion, don't even tell these little bitches where you live. Don't give them the damn time of day. They truly think leading with manipulation and dishonesty is absolutely completely fine and says nothing about their character. Ha. ha. Ha. See, this is why I sleep well knowing all of the men I fuck will be haunted by the memory of me for years to come. I am content with knowing I'll be victorious in the long game. At some point, whether that moment is while they're taking a stroll through the park with their future wives, seeing a long blonde ponytail swish past in a breeze, perhaps the moment they hear the scream of a ghoul, accompanied by the melodious, maniacal cackle of a gaggle of witches bounding around in character for halloween, or the psychologically disturbing thriller that shatters box office records, they will one day think of me and recognize the power they missed out on due to sheer negligence. I smirk mercilessly knowing those days will come and I will be unphased, unaware, yet all the wiser because it is bound to occur. It is just so. (Unless, of course, they have a horribly disfiguring accident and the TBI makes them intellectually incoherent but the greatest likelihood is the former). I'm not sure whether it was fresh off the remnants of Strider turning out to be a manipulative drunk sociopath. Seriously. Not an exaggeration. He actually admitted this to me. (Which, I was like… wow… the self awareness. What a perk.) If I die in Atlanta, let me direct you to his 70's style retro house where he probably has women's bodies buried in the vents like “Disturbia”. Kid has some issues. On to the next. Or the utter confusion at why the MLS player who ate me out for a solidly wonderful week and made it clear exactly how much of a “foodie” he was, would ever think JUST his penis was some kind of gift to my vagina (?). (Although, seriously…the work ethic? Commendable. Get yourself a people pleaser, ladies. Even if their stats say

Zeda Grace here. For those who may be listening for the first time, welcome. (Idk why I said that and my mind immediately went to David Cross in “She's the Man” as the quirky private school dean welcoming Amanda Bynes to Ilyria but my mind will never not be weird.) For those of you who have been around for a while, you should be very unsurprised. Before I get into today's episode on “Big Dick Energy, Size Queens, & PhDicks”, (I truly cannot believe my mom listens or reads my work): I am positively THRIVING in Atlanta. I love it. My friend from UNC, who I've now known almost a decade, has been introducing me to his entire friend group, many of whom I knew (or rather THEY knew of ME at UNC for having a “truly phenomenal ass. A bubble butt”–his words, not mine) and I gotta say, it's SO interesting to hear what others opinions are of you. Especially when they're actually funny and/or good insight that a lot of people never would otherwise provide and they now ACTUALLY know you. He said it was incredibly difficult for people, including his teammates, to “place” me, even back in undergrad. (Validating AF.) Through him, I reconnected with a pal from my FAVORITE African studies class (yes, it WAS a real class), directed by Pierce Freelon, a truly talented dude who is responsible for establishing and bringing a beat lab to different African countries in his free time. My friend, also an athlete, and a former NCAA Champion (in soccer) and I have been talking a lot of sports psychology, “athlete blues” and biochemical conditioning and performance after professional sports. He played in the MLS for a few years after graduation, and the theme of “when you stop playing, what are you beyond an athlete?” is pretty common. We also mentioned how transgender and genetic discussions in regards to athletics overlap with eugenics connotations and anti-Black and colonialist movements, historically. He's Nigerian and our whole athletic friend group, including a bunch of the guys he introduced me to from the Atlanta United MLS team (who either grew up with him or overlapped within the professional circuit), went out to Tongue & Grove the other night, and they are all either immigrants or have incredibly diverse ethnicity and nationality, or are from low or unstable socioeconomic situations, so it's really cool to hear their perspective and the differences in their lives. I also got into a 45+ minute long conversation with a guy who plays for the Houston Astros (MLB team), who also happened to overlap athletically with us at UNC. He, unfortunately, despite being like 6'4” and having beautiful flowing brunette locks, is libertarian. Which, I take to mean that “because he grew up in the suburbs of Georgia, and he now lives in Texas, he can't quite bring himself to recognize how much more economically responsible liberal policies are, and having been raised conservatively, believes liberalism is unrealistic and not beneficial.” Or, just like does NOT understand the economic inequality and current distribution of wealth in the USA whatsoever. This guy is DEFINITELY privileged because he proceeded to tell me, with a straight face, that he does not believe in any social support programs. None. Just does not think they should exist. He took Darwin's “survival of the fittest” under the purely misuse for eugenically and ableist connotations, when it's ACTUALLY supposed to mean the “fittest” species is the one most adaptable to change. Which would not be him. He also told me that he thinks the USA's stance on

Hi everyone! I would apologize for my intermittent hiatus but I forewarned all my trustee listeners that I moved across like 6 states and my lovely internet pal Nikki reminded me I don't need to apologize for things that warrant no apology. I also don't need to constantly be available, publicly, especially when nobody is paying me to be. Some big news: I moved to Atlanta! Still no idea what I'm doing, and I don't have a job yet, but it DID feel like “home”.I am still, justifiably, an idiot. In reference to Strider, specifically. This will be covered in a separate episode when I dive into The Hunger Games love triangle & Katniss' persona specifically.I got a request from a super cool gal to cover HPV specifically, and STD's in general. This made my epidemiology heart SO happy, because I have an entire project on HPV vaccination and especially the need to target men for sexual health campaigns from grad school. I'll be digging that out and getting to work on it STAT. Feel free to email or message me on my instagram @zedagrace if you have any (anonymous) stories you want me to include. So for today's episode of “how much existential dread in the pathetic lack of leadership in the USA can I convey in roughly an hour”, we're gonna use the trilogy of “The Hunger Games”, coupled with the collapse of the Roman empire. I was a teenager when these books came out, and like many fellow overachievers who didn't need any persuasion to scavenge their summer reading lists, or lived in a mental fantasy world inside their brains because reality bites, I ravaged up the wonderful fictional content as entertainment, and nothing more. A cool story. A creepy dystopia. So you can imagine my dismay when I re-read these books recently, particularly in light of a pandemic and the insurrection on January 6th, and was confronted with a rather harsh reality of the USA. Maybe it's the cynical nature of adulthood, but re-reading these at 28, with a public health background was, honestly, terrifying. If you've only watched the movies, I highly recommend getting ahold of the audiobooks or actual literature. The movies are very warped and, like most, leave out a few incredibly key aspects. Or you can just listen to me explain them. You won't need to have read them to enjoy this piece, though I'm sure it would help. Let's begin. The History of Panem (aka the USA's future) The Hunger Games is set in a nearly post-apocalyptic North America, called “Panem”. “Disasters, drought, storms, fires, encroaching seas that swallowed up most of the land, the brutal war for the little sustenance that remained” is the precedent for how Panem emerged a “shining capitol, ringed by 13 districts” and tasked with bringing “peace and prosperity onto its citizens”. Or in other words, climate change happened.  In California alone, in 2020 over 4 million acres of land burnt, and if that's not enough to draw sympathy, over 10,000 structures were damaged or destroyed. (I know property damage matters a lot more to SOME people, over here.) Arizona has been in a megadrought for 22 years, apparently, and those statistics from 2021 alone have indicated this to be the “new baseline”. (But who listens to scientists?) Not to mention the catastrophic flooding in Germany. But again, US citizens only align themselves with ethnocentric ideas for the most part, as it is ingrained in our public education framework and individualist mentality. (Greta Thunberg is just socialist propaganda, after all…) And yes, for those of you who keep up with the rest of my blog, I did ask my German lov

Blaisius, my cousin, and I talk evolutionary anthropology and anti communist propaganda related to dogs, feminism from a bisexual male’s perspective, the time I tripped on shrooms (psychedelics for the win, integrity for the victory), and the first time he tripped on acid in Vagina Meadows. Listen to me, per usual, derail the conversation as my ADHD kicks in and I associate the most random subjects. 23:00-35:00 = My shroom trip 37:00 – End = Blaisius tripping on acid Reminder to follow me on instagram: @zedagrace and to leave a 5 star review, on account of “good vibes only”

Gonna start this one off strong, because I spent the last ~6 weeks finally seeing all my friends. Nature is healing. (Everywhere except Japan, at least–because are US citizens aware of the rhetoric around the Olympic games and coronavirus going on in Japan? Or the rest of the world? Oh wait. I forgot we blatantly don't give a shit what happens to the entirety of their population's health. How could we…when we don't even care about our own? My bad.) The educated hoes are vaccinated and emerging from our coronavirus slumbers of hibernation to frolic in the sunshine, bare our asses in thong bikini bottoms, and freshen up the tan on all of our cheeks and I am leading the charge. One of my favorite people, we'll call him “Citroni” asked me “do you just get angry and write?” and like… fuck yes I do. Some people get angry and murder. Or ignore their feelings for years then snap and have mental breakdowns that harm others. …I think I'm doing well with using writing and art as an outlet. Citroni also tells me that I am a “walking contradiction” and I probably should not take as much pride in that as I do. (Keep ya on your toes) The difference between the support I receive from my friendships and those I get from my family, is exemplified by the following: My mom was worried about “what will your friends think [of my blog]” and my friends literally asked if I'd ever seen Lucifer (I had not but I am now starting it), recommended that I watch The Sweetest Thing, and Citroni showed me “It's Always Sunny”, because there was a recurring theme in our group of 3-4 men that I'd regularly go out with that I reminded them of “Dee” (solely because she was the only woman… I WAS offended initially). He explained the dynamic between her and her husband, apparently one of the main writers on the show, and why the vulgarity and honesty of her character was so groundbreaking. This blog and “Zeda Grace” is the Sasha Fierce to my Beyoncé and they love that for me. They also say that “I would've thrived as a housewife in the early 1900's when I could just exist within the house and take comfort in the knowledge that I couldn't do anything else.” So I wouldn't feel so obligated to learn and do EVERYTHING, “just because I can”. It's not that I don't want to “work”, either. It's that I don't want to work on things that don't benefit society, disproportionately allow others to profit off of me, are purposefully indulging unhealthy environments and contributing to stress and reduced longevity or quality of life in a for profit healthcare system, and I just feel “safest” at home. PTSD is a bitch and I'm aware of the brevity and relativity of time. Being able to control my environment brings me so much mental peace. Is it possible that my Maslow's hierarchy of needs is plateaued at step 2? Security and safety? Probably. Yzma was right. I should've thought about the difficulties of life before I became a peasant. I would love to not be so financially insecure too (I'm a progressive gal–I'll let my husband work after marriage) and rent is expensive. Thus, it should come as absolutely no surprise that I am very PRO sexwork.

I write this with the pessimistic swaddling of Natalie Imbruglia's “Torn” enshrouding me in its sorrow while I watch the sunset across the farm and wonder if life is just going to be wondering if this is all there is and whether it'll ever feel like “enough” to just be “happy”, when I'm aware of what goes on in the world. I got to visit the bat houses in Gainesville and soak in the shared love of an epidemiology friend's presence recently, who just separated herself from a long term relationship-turned-friendship, and I wanted to share a few sentiments we covered: Those of us who have blocked out years of childhood abuse, or familial memories, have been able to access therapy or have spent hours of free time running in contemplation, good for you. I'm glad I'm not the only fierce science gal who was accused of “emotional manipulation” from the very source they learned it from.Men are arguably another species. Whether they will ever make their intentions clear, unmistakeable, nonsecretive, who knows. Just remind yourself that solo cat ladies tend to live wonderfully great qualities of life and queer and homosexual traits potentially arise to offer care from (typically) nonreproductive members of a species when the reproductive members are providing the babies/offspring/future generations with less than quality care. Happy pride month.Humanity is the only primate known to abuse its offspring to the point of less viable reproductive futures. The study of everything revolves around our concept for “normalcy” or “standard” behavior. Some “reference”. How dare we condemn other country's and culture's behavior, because of the “more” atrociously grotesque human rights violations, while simultaneously dismissing those within our own borders. Without further adieu, I'll go into my reconstruction of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. Pretty sure I watched the extended cut on HBO Max. For the record, one of my absolute favorite movie and book series of all time, though I was a bit young for the language of the books when the movies with Elijah Woods first came out. (AKA: I watched the movies first and only read the books later.) As a horse gal, there weren't many movies that utilize horses, and LOTR obviously included a ton, so I naturally loved it. Sue me.  Galadriel opens up the narrative with the backstory on the one ring to rule them all and forewarning us that “the race of men…who above all else…desire power.” Ya no fucking shit. Look at literally any guy in a fraternity getting cut off, kicked out of a bar, questioned at the door, turned down by a girl. They take everything like a personal attack and those of us who never doubted our places as peasants just get annoyed because all you're doing is making everyone else's lives shittier.  Anyways, a last alliance of men and elves “fought for the freedom of middle earth”. Isildor, the son of a king, took up his fallen daddy's sword at the very moment hope was seemingly lost and like the good buzzer beater moment that I've been on both the giving and receiving end of as a Tar Heel fan, Sauron's wedding ring got cut off and he was defeated. All I'm saying is if my next boyfriend doesn't dress up as all of the villains in these movies and try to “defeat” me, we're not fucking. In a move that doesn't surprise any woman ever, the “hearts of men are easily corrupted” and “history became legend. Legend became myth.” and the National Treasure style plot of medieval witchy conspiracy theories on power and quests and the history of mankind b

I'm just gonna jump into it because I drove up to New Jersey about a month ago to visit my bestfriend and it was…amazing. OMG I had so much fun doing absolutely nothing but being with her. I came back to life like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes that day. Ahh this is terrifying. Why can't life be like The Vampire Diaries where I can dissociate and turn my emotions off (I mean…it can be, but I don't want to exist that way.) Fun aside from that visit actually–she introduced me to some of her friends from the area, which is always amusing because they don't know about her gymnastics background, and a bunch of the men were doing a dumbbell workout (totally “showing off” in just such an amusing array of attempted masculinity). They showed her what to do and then were SHOCKED when she just broke out the whole workout, hitting every skill, mastering technique, and doing so with the same dumbbells they were using. I was sitting on these bar stools at the time, amused as hell, loving the emasculation. When I first meet people, especially a group I'm being introduced to, I'm usually fairly quiet, I like to observe, people watch, mentally become aware of behaviors and energy and learn about them. The men migrated near me and started playing basketball on a small hoop like the ones men hang up in corporate offices or your high school teachers posted above the garbage cans, at one point. I can't recall the exact context, but one of them looked at me sitting and watching them and went “I'm sure the amount of testosterone in the room is intimidating” and I said, very calmly, “I think we have different baselines for what “too much testosterone” is”. Hahahahaha. I have never seen men take a step back and be so amused, not offended, and concede immediate respect in one moment.  Back to my lil intro, I just wanna give all of my friends and the people currently in my life a huge shout out lately. Whether it's my internet pals, like Nikki and Stephen (@wittyidiot), my chosen family, my actual sister, and my incredibly diverse and insanely interesting array of humans I get to call my support network. I've felt so much love lately, and I think I was actually able to finally accept love because I learned how to actually see it, because they taught me how to trust it. How to trust myself. And they believed in me. They were and are patient with me. They recognize the way I light up their souls, the room, the planet.  I wanted to switch into entertainment because I realized the thing I value most about myself–with all of my ridiculous skills, from sewing (which translated great from the seat cushions we learned how to make in Girl Scouts to closing up Mohs surgery scars with the precision of a plastic surgeon), to animals (sometimes it’s easier to learn how to ask for love after you see a dog do it), to disease and health (a holistic, educated approach that takes into account the boundaries of western medicine), to childcare (and YEARS of experience as a babysitter across multiple familial dynamics, continents, and parenting styles)–was that I wanted to be helpful in any situation. I wanted to have the answers–or at least know where to look for them. When I consider the idea of “setting up a life for myself”, my answer always comes back to wanting to be the person who could help my friends in any way possible. Apparently this is a testament to being an ~Aquarius~ (to all you nonbelievers). This was my draw to medicine as well–I wanted to be helpful, and it was the most tangible and direct way for me to do so. But how many people can't ask for help? Like I couldn't/can't/still struggle with? How many people can't afford healthcare? How many people can barely afford life? I wanted a way to be t

CHILDHOOD If Disney Channel taught me anything growing up, it's that I knew to anticipate my parent's conflation of their previously failed and now second chance at a career or dream manifesting its way into my own life and I would certainly have to dramatically break free. All of those “it's not my dream, dad, it's yours” Zac Efron bullshit? Ya. So if anyone wants to give me shit for enjoying the art of “performance”, please direct your attention to the talent show at Mary H. Matula Elementary school when I was in third grade where I sang “The Star Spangled Banner” in a fuzzy blue sweater and red velvet skirt, both from Limited Too. Beginning the performance in dedication to my grandfather, a 3 time war veteran whose career for the U.S. Army involves testifying to congress and intelligence briefings in the Pentagon. Accompanied by my grandmother, whose pianist and organ skills were utilized at virtually every religious congregation in the area as well as providing the orchestral production to the local theatre during musicals. Obviously, I fucking won. I've known how to emotionally manipulate a crowd my entire life. I think we can all agree that wasn't MY idea, either. I had wanted to learn the dance from the end of The Lizzie McGuire movie that Hilary and Haylie Duff performed with my best friend Shelby but nooooooo, that wasn't “talent show material”. So sit back, keep your arms and legs inside the ride at all times, strap in, and enjoy the ride of this shit show. Back to parents using their children to live vicariously through–Let's consider “sports” as a whole. How many parents, my own included, view sports as an “investment” instead of a healthy outlet for the natural human behavior of “competition”. Fuck “functional fitness” as a concept in childhood. Instead, we convince ourselves that children are just naturally predisposed to need so much fucking outlets for their aggression, focus, and drive that they WANT to be screamed at for 3 hours a day, 6 days a week in the pseudo-military, physique development training that is competitive gymnastics. I grew up in the fucking 90's, too. My parents were riding HARD on that Olympics Team USA dream. Simone Biles was asked why she didn't smile and she said “smiling doesn't win gold medals” and people were like “oh that's adorable, how cute” then a few months later we found out she'd been sexually molested by her trainer, along with hundreds of other athletes, for YEARS. Gymnastics literally operates as a way to funnel children, but especially young women, out of the “general populace” and into excessive athletic competitions that essentially require you to use performance to justify abuse. We're not like “oh shit, maybe this is a new method of child labor. There's no way this is healthy.” Instead, we just sit there and go “Yuuuuuppp. Abuse and performing for love is the norm. It'll be worth it. Gotta sacrifice everything if you actually want it”–without asking why the fuck we're requiring children (and their parents) to realize you're only THAT driven if you don't have other outlets for creative and artistic expression as well as emotional catharcism. Now, I bring this up because as I approach my 30's, and the unsolicited advice from older men on Seeking Arrangements remind me that “my looks won't last forever” (no shit, dude… that's when I'll rely more heavily on my MULTIPLE STEM DEGREES), I have hit a rather unfortunate realization that having once run 85 miles a week, and playing multiple sports a season for YEARS, and the sheer amount and brutality of CONTACT sports, including gymnastics and football, does not bode well for my long-term physical health in a for-profit healthcare system. I have put my body through HELL. I will likely need a double hip replacement before I

Gonna start this new season or episode or whatever with a few random things I've been considering that are in no way related to each other: Let's give a moment of silence for my ex boyfriend who majored in communications but that ended up being the very thing we were incapable of. The irony.If I WERE an object–which, while I won't get into it right this second, the way marriage is an economic proposition for women and how we can legally enter a long term contractual agreement with an emphasis on sex and financial coercion under the pretense of “marriage”, but in the USA ACTUAL sex work (which is really just shorter term agreements with similar possibilities for complication) are still illegal– but anyways, if I WERE an object (a topic brought up from the Ali Wong Netflix special segment about trophy wives) I think I'd be an eerie cursed artifact.Hear me out– terrifyingly all-powerful to some, worshipped at times, albeit somewhat fearfully. To others, a world-ending horror. It fits.Maybe if the Cara Delevigne “Enchantress” villianess from Suicide Squad hadn't been such crockshit, I would have identified more with her and less of Harley Quinn. (Probably not, though.)The new season of The Handmaid's Tale from Hulu is here and it hits a little different when your neighbors are Amish and you see a group of 6 women walking in their garb across the field on your drive back from town. I am literally not making that up.Also, I once told “Strider” that he reminded me of Nick from The Handmaid's Tale and we're not gonna dissect that any further but let's just say the little monologue on stubbornness and stupidity is really fucking with me.Spring has sprung, the greenery is out, and my seasonal affective disorder has been released like a cape, safely tucked away for the summer. I just came back from Arizona after being fully vaccinated and hiked all around Phoenix and Scottsdale with one of my best friends. This woman is basically a mother fucking champ because she is essentially a single mom in a lot of ways and by herself because her partner travels a lot for work right now and is in a very sensitive career spot, so I got to hang out with her and her child, who is only 15 months old but essentially is a full toddler already (because what else would you expect when his dad is actually 7 feet tall). That baby is SO smart. We don't give enough credit to methods of communication that differ from our norm in adulthood, and the intelligence of babies reflects this.We took him hiking almost every day and talked a lot about anxiety, the state of the world, raising children in this social climate and time of uncertainty, naivety and innocence, and women in sports. Lots of fun rants coming at you soon. Back on topic for the day– A theme near and dear to what I'm sure is almost every woman's heart. To those who may be unaware and live under a questionably larger rock than Patrick Star from Spongebob, the “friend zone” is a mythological creation by misogynistic men who think it is every woman's obligation to inherently be drawn to fucking them. Apparently, humanity's purpose towards collaboration and social or emotional support MUST benefit men sexually in some way, else they consider it “rude” and a “slight” if you can see value in them beyond, and excluding, their reproductive fitness. Forgive me for not giving a shit. The “fuck zone”, a response to this so called “friend zone”, first introduced to my by the “Fuck the Patriarchy” feminist splendor of an Instagram account run by several feisty women in India, is

Alright alright alright, I don't really know how to introduce this topic in any way that won't make me giggle, but I'm getting into my theory on the sexual psychology of fetishes. We'll do a brief overview of introductory psych, including introducing some big names like FREUD and dabbling in our favorite Greek Mythology with Oedipus. (Did I just give you flashbacks to high school history class? Good.) Then, we'll pass the seven levels of the candy cane forest…past the sea of swirly twirly gumdrops… jk but I will speak anecdotally on my own information both from the unfortunate instances I've tried online dating and my personal private actual real life–in which men feel very comfortable telling me their sexual fantasies and fetishes. I'm not here to judge. I'm a scientist baby, I am FASCINATED by some of you. As long as you don't creep ME out and direct it towards me in gross demeanors, learning about the strange facets of humanity's sexual variance is truly the 8th wonder of the world.  A Brief Psych Background Psychology is an emerging field in western medicine and particularly American medicine, as our narrative and focus on psychology involves conflation of biological warfare and military development. *The CIA and geopolitical bias surrounding the Cold War and framing of the USSR, Eugenics, and democracy versus communism has entered the chat.* However, it can be traced back to ancient Greece in 400-500 B.C. (Think Socrates, Plato, Aristotle and great philosophers who pondered the mind).  Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), the pioneer of psychoanalysis, introduced theories of psychosexual development and sexually confusing relationships based on parental figures. In the 1890's, a Russian physiologist, Ivan Pavlov, used dog salivation to denote “Pavlovian”, or classical, conditioning showed two unrelated stimuli could easily (and relatively simply) become linked to produce a “learned response”.  Operant Conditioning, developed by behaviorist B.F Skinner, utilized external, observable behavioral causes over internal thoughts and motivation. It involves associative learning, in which the association between a behavior and consequence (which can be negative or positive) occurs. You truly cannot tell me if the porn industry was dominated by women we wouldn't already have conditioned men to cook, to unload the dishwasher, to put the toilet seat down, to clean the house, any basic household tasks or emotional support for sexual favors or interest. This is a simple technique I use on boyfriends. I reward or repeat desirable behaviors until they become second-nature. In society, lack of accountability with reference to a lot of issues, but definitely violence towards women, is likely the reason it continues. We are operantly conditioning men to not believe there are consequences for their (potentially dangerous) actions which harm others.  As a reminder, before we get into it–never fake an orgasm. The men do not need to think they “did a good job” if they did not. This is the participation trophy of sex. Cut it out. Sex doesn't “always” have to end in orgasms of one party or the other, either. It doesn't need to be some finish line or end goal if it's not happening and you don't need to feel guilty for it.  Neurotransmitters are chemical substances that are released at the end of nerve fibers because of nerve impulses diffusing across a synapse (aka: enough stimulation has been reached for action potential propagation). These are the chemicals that relay messages throughout our bodies regarding nerve sensatio

“Promising Young Woman” is the 2020 “American black comedy thriller” film written, produced, and directed by Emerald Fennell and Margot Robbie's LuckyChap Entertainment production company. It's only a “black comedy thriller” in the way that it “epitomizes being a young woman in the USA and the reality of that is terrifying for most American citizens who prefer to sweep the horrors of society aside and off their news screens in an effort to embody “good vibes only” mentality.” We're a country that prefers to pretend our wars overseas are universally for “democracy” and hide the reality of our capitalist exploitation of the globe from the majority of citizens. Dunno what I would expect from a country whose education rankings are now below the global average, yet whose last president ran on an “America First!” platform. Before I dive in, I wanted to specify that I really appreciate, though am simultaneously constantly anxious about, the slow growth of this blog both within the United States and internationally. My life has essentially been one long Shonda Rhimes' masterpiece, so I enjoy knowing it is being consumed by others. I also enjoy knowing I've provided enough Tiger King style quality of writing for true crime podcasts to dive down the rabbithole and uncover the truth if I were to be murdered by some random internet stalker who became enamored by my feet. (Yes, I should probably stop watching so much true crime.) I don't do much advertising outside of my instagram and a random reddit account where I post to shamelessly plug and occasionally browse popular subreddits from pop culture I also consume (everything from Lord of the Rings memes to politics and My Favorite Murder to Sofia with an F and Berning In Hell), so if you share it with anyone and they get something out of it, feel free to let me know. My website is www.survivalmode.guide and has a contact section. I'm not very good at coding, so it's incredibly simple, as I wasn't really allowed to ever have a myspace or anything (overprotective fathers are all the rage, amiright Britney? #FreeBritney). But I do enjoy knowing what you get out of it…when it's positive. I've got enough negativity on my own, clearly. I also like connecting over topics that people might need to first process by themselves, or in a detached state. It brings me joy being able to put into words things other people struggle with because it hopefully helps them to understand themselves. I should probably put trigger warnings before each episode, honestly, but I also think that is implied by who I am–thus, it's redundant. I know it helps the people I'm close with to hear about my own vulnerability, and I think it highlights important things we should be considering more frequently. This piece in particular is going to cover sexual trauma in a fair amount of depth. And how it relates to my relationships. My navigation through the world as a young, promising woman in the United States. I hope that, whether you read it for yourself or to understand someone you're in a relationship with or to just be a good friend or to share sympathy and experience with someone and know you're not alone, that it brings something good to you. It's my personal belief that it's more important to be transparent and to embody openness and personal anecdotes. I know it's uncomfortable for my biological family and previous friends. I don't expect them to enjoy it, but I no longer can live my life with the culmination of experiences, events, and knowledge that I have and remain silent. I don't think the horrors or awful things that are done, said, or happen to you should be hidden. I'm not discomforted by it, nor am I “ashamed”–it's a part of “me”. And frankly, I love myself. So I don't want to hide it, or who I am, or WHY I am th

Amanda (@whereisamandaplease) is back for part 2. We discuss our history of long term relationships a bit, covering our issues on “father figures” and how “daddy issues” affected our ability to have healthy relationships when we were younger, domestic violence escalation, how purity culture and the patriarchy in general affect relationships. Amanda discusses cheating, drug use, ending a long term relationship, growing up an only child in a single mother household. I discuss being raised by a narcissist and the guilt from success I feel as a strong woman with previous history of familial abuse and sexual trauma in relationships. We cover substance abuse and prevalence of alcoholism within the drinking culture of the USA, my love of strip clubs and female sexuality within the nightlife industry including bartending culture. We end on how a conservative social structure built around shame and guilt negatively effects public health concerns in low socioeconomic areas and keeps people trapped in cycles of abuse.

Amanda Walters, a strong lady I went to high school with (though I did not know her at the time), and I discuss some of the more difficult aspects of our upbringings, high school life and when we first started partying (surprise, surprise… I was a huge nerd.), what it was like being liberal from such conservative areas during the 2020 election, and much more. Part 1 of an inevitably recurring series

Continuing the conversation released last week, my friend Matt Zanellato, a Penn State football alum, discussed what it was like being a freshman when the Jerry Sandusky/Joe Paterno scandal broke, “football” and “sports” culture in the USA, CTE and concussion protocol and his own concerns moving forward, along with my normal array of healthy cynical criticism of American society and our selfish consumerism habits.

Matt Zanellato, former D1 Penn State Football player, talks about how fucking awesome his family is, while I talk my dysfunctional family. We address strong women, particularly women in STEM and Matt discusses his aunt, Serena Auñón-Chancellor who is arguably one of the most bad ass women alive, as well as his mom. We discuss 9/11 and living around/growing up in D.C., toxic masculinity and having younger sisters, and then of course, he fires me up about epidemiology. We also touch on football culture and athlete star power in general, which will be built upon with the next episode released in which he is featured. Hopefully he will let me include his entire family in future episodes because this was honestly so much fun to record. I was fed a delicious family meal MADE by a man (10/10–they belong in the kitchen) AND got to participate in a holistic family discussion amongst educated, civil minded folk who genuinely know what they’re talking about. It was glorious. Here is the link to information about his Aunt: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwiO9Mbz6JruAhXipVkKHcd8BHgQFjABegQIBBAC&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nasa.gov%2Fastronauts%2Fbiographies%2Fserena-m-aunon-chancellor&usg=AOvVaw3w1nk00KIowYfhXmpdhdGJ

I started writing this on January 6th, a particularly tragic day in United States history. If you're just tuning in, my name is Zeda Grace. I would kiss your asses a bit more if I cared about catering to the masses over getting to the important things, but right now, on my farm just outside of DC, I've been listening to military aircrafts flying overhead all day from the various bases (way more than usual) and I already had the patience for humanity's stupidity that Ezma in The Emperor's New Groove had, long before I started this show, so we're just jumping in. A few episodes ago, I opened with the introduction of how podcasting in quarantine felt like the group of radio sleuths conducting “Potterwatch” in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Unfortunately, with the current situation of death eaters (white supremacists) led by Lord Voldemort (Donald Trump) that is storming Hogwarts (the Capitol) and being ALLOWED IN BY FEDERAL OFFICERS… all the while the President of the United States, our incorrigible cunt of a dictator (again, Donald Trump) has denied the DC Mayor's request for mobilization of the National Guard. It's important to point out he previously denied coordination of a police force for this rally in general, spoke in front of these domestic terrorists and QUOTED THAT HE WILL NOT LEAVE THE OFFICE DURING HIS SPEECH AT THIS RALLY IN AN ATTEMPT TO OVERTHROW AN OVERWHELMINGLY SECURE ELECTION IN A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY. Yet, he mobilized federal police and the entire police in the DMV, along with the National Guard, for remarkably peaceful Black Lives Matter protests over the summer in 2020. Not to mention, because DC is not a state, thus they do not have a governor, only a mayor, they cannot mobilize the National Guard on their own. The department of defense, and thus, Donald Trump, as most officials who disagreed with him over the last four years have resigned and left their posts honorably, only to subsequently be replaced with “yes men” who endorse and support his policies, was therefore responsible for mobilizing the National Guard at the Mayor's request. Which, again, Trump DENIED. This is just another reason to discuss validating the statehood of DC.  Where is the “no taxation without representation” crowd from the 1760's and 1770's?  It's almost like revolutions were started around that. Wild. Last I checked, the Virginia Governor had deployed the Virginia National Guard to distill the Trump supporting crowd that was effectively let in to the Capitol and through the barriers by the same police force who tear gassed and shot rubber bullets at peaceful BLM protestors all summer. I guess that $750 billion defense budget doesn't protect our nation's capital or the validation of a secure election. Every single one of the members of his administration, every single judge he's placed, every single federal agent he put forth, every single person who has voted in favor of his maneuvers or continued to support him in any kind of political position needs to be temporarily removed and for full-scale investigations to take place, along with questioning and reassessment of their ability to continue in their duties with sound judgment for refusing to condemn his behavior. For actively supporting it. For encouraging it. For stoking the flames. This is disgusting. You all are unfit to uphold the Constitution or “democracy” in any way. There must be consequences and WHOLE SCALE accountability. …Let's start with Amy Coney Barrett. Kidding! I'll get to her. Just not today. Which reminds me…I know January 20th is less than 2 weeks away, but are we really gonna force ourselves to continue to carry to term

Hope everyone’s having a great 2021. I’m just here to be the sparkling ray of sunshine you surely look forward to listening to as I bring ray after ray of good news into your life, seeping under your skin, giving you that warm tingly feeling you just enjoy so much. Masochistic fucking society, I tell ya. It's clear it's a patriarchy, that's for sure. Speaking of the patriarchy, a subject near and dear to my heart. The premise of allllllll of my daddy issues, let's go into some war history. WORLD WAR 2 World War 2 – Quick summary. Lasted from 1939 – 1945. Allied powers were Britain, France, Russia, and the U.S.A. Axis Powers were Germany, Japan, and Italy. Germany which, of course, was ruled by the Nazi supremacist fuck that our own President, several congresspeople, including new ones like Madison Cawthorn from North Carolina who quoted Hitler or “The Father” on instagram. (Yet again, another problematic issue with the Regina George bullying style tactics of the Call Her Daddy brand.) Not a great year for dads in the media, honestly. Maybe if you stopped traveling internationally to fuck during a pandemic would be the root of better PR. What do I know? Other notable historical figures in play involve Joseph Stalin, Benito Mussolini, FDR, and Winston Churchill. End scene for World War 2. THE COLD WAR The Cold War, lasting from 1947 – 1991, involved an array of geopolitical tension after the alliance between Britain, the USA, and the Soviet Union/Russia began to precipitate out of solution because of Soviet instilled “communism” while Americans were providing aid. Nothing we like more than an excuse to pull out of an alliance on account of “handouts”. I hear that was when Mitch McConnell's first term started. (Kidding.) In 1948, the USA and European allies formed NATO, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. The Soviet Union was able to explode an atomic bomb, Chinese communism started, and North Korea backed by the Soviets began to invade US-occupied South Korea. THE KOREAN WAR Enter the Korean War. This signaled the first military action of the Cold War. It was American democracy versus international communism. That guy I allude to occasionally, I think I called him “the Farm boy”, he's half Korean so this is kinda awkward because now I'm thinking about him. 5 Million soldiers and civilians lost their lives between 1950-1953. It's often referred to as “The Forgotten War”. Is that why I make sure to let that guy know I'll never forget him just so he can be annoyed with how much he loves me? Yes. It's true. I like history. And compartmentalization for recall. Korea had previously been part of the Japanese empire, before falling to Americans and Soviets. You know, imperialism. That thing male leaders in particular like to do because they feel the need to assert their dominance over everybody else (probably to avoid the issues going on at home and exploit military positioning globally). The Korean war was largely underrepresented in pop culture, which is weird because back in the 1950's, the National Security Council recommended US military force to quell “communism” whenever necessary. You wanna know what American soldiers ACTUALLY encountered in Korea? Dangerous intestinal diseases from unsafe drinking water. Infectious Diseases. Imagine that subject being important in warfare. President Harry Truman wanted to avoid all out war because of the threat of Soviet aggression in Europe with the confirmed atomic bombs. Turns out some

Hello one and all, welcome to the New Year, 2021, which most Americans probably used to facilitate the spread of a family of highly mutable viruses and we just want to pop champagne and forget that we're permitting global decimation and bioterrorism in the name of “Celebration”. VERY, VERY American thing to do, if you ask me. I love the USA, too, guys. I was just raised by a colonel in the US army who fought in WW2, Korea, and Vietnam. Experienced the beautiful skirting of the Geneva Convention that was Agent Orange in the name of “Democracy”. He went to / taught at West Point Military academy as well as achieving the status of a “Knight of the Italian Republic” while at the Italian War Army College. My grandpa spent his entire later years devoted to endlessly researching everything he was taught. Our farm land, once lived on by the Zekiah Tribe, he used to regrow the Appaloosa horse population. Every time we plowed those tobacco fields, he unearthed arrowheads and other signs of civilized life (you know, from before mass organization by the federal government of rehoming/virally murdering entire populations) and built a historical trust to relearn and re-educate the people. Specifically from a non-white and solely pro-USA viewpoint. In fact, he went through this huge phase where he bought $2 million worth of stone from a company going out of business and hired my uncle's construction company to build patios, roads, whatever we wanted (I asked for a castle, unfortunately I did not get it). When he learned the swastika had been used for hundreds of years by the Hindu and Buddhist faiths, amongst others and was a symbol of “good luck” prior to Hitler's pathetic cultural appropriation 101, he built several stone sauwastika's all over our farm. He enjoyed the idea that people would be confused, ask him, and he could explain. In a “reclaiming the tradition” type thing. All this ACTUALLY did was make people think we were Nazis. …You'd think someone who was a rooftop watcher during the Blitz in London would've thought about that. I believe true “patriotism” means always wanting your country to be the best version of itself. If this is what you all think is the “best” version of the USA? A country so focused on individualism and personal achievement that we don't care when those people are assholes climbing out of the pits of their despair by stepping on the heads of those around them, versus working Patcha and Kuzco style to propel each other out of the pit? Do fucking better. You might not always know “right” from “Wrong” but you DO know when something ISN'T “right”. Stop defending the 100 different failed ways you tried to design a lightbulb and how about we work towards achieving the way that'll work most efficiently and pragmatically, while also being environmentally friendly. How about that? Anyways, weird intro. You all should expect that by now. While this is very meta-, (I think that's the word) talking directly to you, I also want to give a special shout out to my listeners or readers in Germany and the United Kingdom. Let's all have a moment of peace for the people who come across this and think it is representative of the average “American” woman. While I may have matched my Kirsten the American Girl Doll and gone to one room schoolhouses in full cosplay, I have since accepted it is my purpose on this earth to wreak havoc to all of the indoctrinated beliefs we once held near and dear. It is how I channel my frustration at the lack of accountability or acknowledgment for the mass casualty events occurring daily with seemingly no awareness for the weapon of biochemical warfare that is the coronavirus. Do you all not thi

No… I am still not over it. Like Noah in “The Notebook” or the election results in Nevada and Georgia by mail-in ballot. “It was never over, it’s still not over.” Giving you a nice little part two to the last post looking at white culture: Shrek and Breaking Bad specifically, we are moving on, taking our next classic: the surprisingly progressive, feminist stance for Game of Thrones. As protocol, we are just not going to acknowledge the last few episodes. These showrunners–These are the two white men we should be holding most accountable for our problems. Fuck Christopher Columbus and our white savior mentality. D&D or Dooney & Bourke or whoever the imagineers of HBO's destruction and mutilation of George R.R. Martin's literary tact of “A Song of Ice and Fire”, deserves to be accountable for their sins, Black Mirror style. I'm thinking that episode where they wake up in a dystopia and can't remember why they're there, but are being hunted. If we were a novel country really intent on our military prestige, we could be using role-play scenarios like Black Mirror to reform our prison population, because our current criminal justice system is fucked, for the record. That's the type of conversion therapy I'd really like. Take all the actors and actresses who enjoy being characters for all of those Halloween horror nights at theme parks, slap them into role-play scenarios, then teaching empathy (but with your rape culture or conversion therapy mentality and we'll hold the same empathy that the Trump administration or GOP held for literally anyone other than themselves in the past year towards whether we should “tell them” its just a set up, ya know?) I like toying with emotions and really drilling in the reality for people. Why shouldn't rapists, domestic violence abusers, murderers, politicians who use their status for individual financial gain and purposefully mislead the citizen's they were elected to represent, have to enter a Hunger Games style arena for the amusement of normal, working class individuals who aren't sociopaths. THAT is the type of MMA, Gladiator-Coliseum television show that I would actually endorse. But only if it involves healthy life lessons and it's really a trap and we pardon people based around the mentality they employ over their actions or who they (try) to kill. In my reality, technology has advanced enough so we can just pause their actions or Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban time-turner style it so we can adjust the outcomes and save the good (Buckbeak). For legal reasons, I feel like I should stress that is a joke. I'm well aware, however much I loved the movie “Law Abiding Citizen”, that subjecting the people who hurt you to the same abuse you were subjected to is not the way to go to employ change. Take the kid in grad school who went on a coked out rampage in my apartment, only to threaten to shoot me and then physically intimidate me in my apartment complex (where we BOTH lived and also my employment) AND out at the local bars. Who accused me of “being too dramatic” for involving the police. THEN he even hired a lawyer to try and turn my own family member's against me via facebook messenger. COULD I have demanded he go to actual prison instead of just being arrested and having to post bail, do community service, anger management, and domestic violence abuser's classes? Yes. Could I have gotten him kicked out of school as well so that he had no chances of future employment while these charges were on him and no outlet for education? YES. Did I? No. I think we should all thank me for taking the civil route and not following my impulse of choking him out and throwing him in gator infested waters. Why the fuck do your parents endorse and excuse that behavior? What the fuck did you tell them to manipulate the way they looked

Podcasting during quarantine just feels like the Weasley Twins in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows with their little radio show. Friendly reminder that you can follow me on instagram if you haven't realized their new terms of service specifically outlines how they can track for text messages, access your contacts, watch you through your front facing camera even if it's not open, which, mind you, they were already doing, they just weren't explicitly telling you. Anyways, I've been absent for a few weeks. I like to make a point of not always being predictable or accountable. I think it's best for all of us, just so we all know what to expect. I'm kidding…Kinda. No, honestly, quarantine has been hard. Obviously, I was working as an epidemiologist in Florida on it for a few months and was teaching remotely. I thought Biden winning the election would alleviate some of the stress, but it turns out it's “surprisingly” not comforting to realize there was only a 4% difference in who wanted fascism in this country. Crazy, right. On top of that, I had 2 people in my life commit suicide within 3 weeks of each other, then my grandfather died, then my childhood pony died, and then I had to experience the stress of holidays when I don't speak to the majority of my biological family. I was, however, the only family member invited to my GAY side of the family's Thanksgiving. The dinner was wonderful and it may be one of the last times I will get to see my Godmother, as she has had terminal cancer for a few years. Her children are risking the chance of flying over to DC for Christmas, and they didn't agree for Thanksgiving, so I take that as a sign she's not doing too well in spite of what she says. We were laughing about art, as my godmother is responsible for introducing me to artists like Monet, and my FAVORITE FAVORITE painting to date (even with how much I love studying Van Gogh and Salvador Dali's work) is “The Fingerprint Granny”, by Chuck Close, that was hanging in the National Gallery of Art in DC. It's this huge black and white portrait of a grandma that is made with thumbprints. It's incredible, I love it. I actually got to meet him on a field trip my senior year of high school. He drives a cool x-men type wheelchair. Well, turns out, like all our favorite white men, he was responsible for abusing his position of power as a superior and title as an “artiste” to sexually abuse the women, even minors, who would work for him. I'm now rethinking why his assistant eagerly asked ME what I thought about it instead of the 10 other classmates that were also looking at the painting around me. #HotGirlPrivilege So, these past few weeks have been pretty heavy for me. Fittingly so. I pretty much just shut down as a person for a few weeks. Went into a depression induced hibernation for a while. Am I out of it? Probably not. I don't ever think people move on from pain rooted in sadness or loss, especially permanent events. The idea of just shoving it aside doesn't make any sense to me. I think healthy people find different perspectives on it, channel it into a positive even when it's the most complicated, heartbreaking backstory you've ever heard. Some people choose to dismiss it, because they're either so sociopathic they don't care or they're too scared to admit they don't like themselves or what pain they've caused. Some people are embarrassed to need others, so they refuse to admit they do. I think it's most natural to myself to embrace it. To learn from my experiences. The pain I've caused myself and others. To study it, like I study everything in life, and to understand I cannot change the past but every day I choose the future. To love it, because it makes me who I am. It shapes my path. What started to pull me out of the abyss, though, was a few things. My turkey, Thanksgiving, started flying up to my window and waking me up every morning to make sure I w

Alright, I know the last time we covered traditionally “feminine” topics of dating and what guys want to use my body as a cum rag at that current moment in time versus which ones want to allow themselves to be enamored by intriguing wit, however, I had creativity spark whilst listening to the Nikki Glasser / Hannah Berner discussion on @beingbernz podcast, “Berning in Hell”, and I knew it was the appropriate time to address and confront some of my struggles with c-PTSD, all while listening to John Legend's melodious voice. Bless Chrissy Teigen. Thank you for being the inspiration behind so much of this music. YOU da real MVP. Anyways, this is your one and only trigger warning. I am not notorious for the particularly “delicate” way I confront certain topics.  Growing up in such a military family, I am VERY aware of what PTSD looks like from a military point of view. My grandfather refused to, and probably couldn't, talk about any of his experiences. He would scream and get irrationally angry at something like a football game–to the point where we couldn't go visit him. He would drink a handle of gin a day. He bulk ordered gin like his house was a fucking bar or something. Was he happy? I think, yes, he often was very happy. His children, his grandchildren, his animals, the farm–we filled his life with happiness. Was he healed? I would say judging by the length he went to not die, constantly hallucinating and revisiting his life in memories, talking to us as if we were the characters in his stories–like the time he rode camels across Egypt, or when he encountered Agent Orange in Vietnam–his life was on a loop. He progressed, and moved on. He earned accolade after accolade. But he was certainly not healed. He was far, far too scared of death. Too irrationally angry over something as miniscule as to what professional athlete threw a ball into the endzone in time or not. Too obsessed with control, with image, that deviations drove him to chaotic eruption. Frankly, he needed therapy. My family still really struggles with the idea that “needing therapy” is an insult. They hear that and recoil and are like “Shh! You shouldn't say that!” But I honestly think every single person in this world needs to go to regular therapy. My dream world involves a baseline of primary care, mental health, and reproductive healthcare as the public insurance and “free”, government-supported level. It would help address a lot of our issues involving gun violence, school shootings, and substance abuse or suicidal ideology–we could funnel kids into the programs they needed quicker because we're more aware of what they're thinking. Or, we could also, literally, as humans, just start fucking paying attention to the people around us and allowing them to share what they need before they feel the urge to freak out and break shit or riot in the streets because they've pleaded, year after year, and are still not getting the results. As a society, we're slapping a butterfly bandage on a wound that needs multiple layers of sutures. It's trying to perform Mohs past stage 3 on a patient on Warfarin. We're accepting dodgy, quick-fix solutions instead of addressing the deeper layers of both society and humans.  Our rush in the USA for capitalism and democracy to succeed has created this endless work mentality–which, if its being called out by someone who ABSOLUTELY LOVES to work, in most forms, is problematic. I can go hike twelve mountains in a day if someone challenged me to (and paid for me to) do it. I would go trek the Swiss Alps tomorrow for a few weeks if some guy offered to pay for me to accompany him and I could verify his identity with multiple forms and get 3 references and notify authorities when and where I'd be going and that, if I died, he would be the sole culprit.

Imagine growing up, hidden away from the harsh reality of the world, on a 75 acre tobacco farm with rolling hills, swampland, Native American remnants, and horses galore. Now imagine spending every day traversing the landscape on your horse, trudging along dutifully, galloping up the grassy slopes, wading into the ripples of the pond, jumping over the fallen trees, so far away from society that you are sheltered from its clutches–free to exist as wildly as you were born to. Now imagine hitting age 18 and being expected to work in the confines of a concrete building, at times never seeing the sun for weeks on end, because it is your “duty” to help others, in a world where almost half of your constituents actively vote against actual freedoms in a desperate grasp on to freedom from accountability. Shit sucks. Finding your place in that world, particularly as a wild creature, is especially difficult. To be expected to exist so unnaturally, subject to the confines of human judgment. In societies based strongly around religions that you don't respect. In beliefs that you know are naive, or just outright false. Slow to change, and slower to progress. It's like one of those National Geographic specials when you compare the speed with which the lionesses prowling the Savannah hunt to the rate at which the grass grows. I understand the normalcy of pace is relative, but mine is off the charts. Add in several near death experiences of my own, an overwhelming heap of childhood trauma, and witnessing several deaths first hand, and you get the healthy knowledge of complex PTSD and along with it, questioning your reality while also trying to balance wanting to help the world with hating the world and all of humanity in it. Factor in the impulsive curiosity of ENTJ's, an objectively attractive female body, and learning by studying the world around me and you've got the lethal combination that results in whatever the fuck I am.  And I'm obviously intense. I know I'm “a lot to handle”. But, I believe it was the meme that said “fuck no I'm not wife material. I'm totalitarian dick material” that really made me feel “appreciated” for the way I am. Like, as alone as I normally am in this world, I'm not ACTUALLY that alone. There are others, equally weird, equally accepting, like me–just not necessarily in my physical environment. Again, download Tik Tok. Its like happiness and body positivity and quirky humor at its best. Which makes sense, seeing as how I lived tucked away on our farm in an incredibly conservative town the majority of my life. Or how my Aunt phrased it “we admire unique children and often criticize them as unique adults”. But, I guess I hadn't realized how artistic I am with my life prior to having this extra time in quarantine. Sure, I was a painter and artist, supporting myself through graduate school. But I was a woman of STEM first and foremost. I was a professional. And you couldn't blend both. Not in the extremity that I am naturally inclined to. But what good is science when it doesn't captivate the audience? And what good is medicine when the knowledge of the human body is lost? It wasn't until the third or fourth trip to Europe that really broadened my horizons in regards to what I thought about Sexuality. Growing up so conservatively, particularly in a military culture, I was taught to be quiet. Seen but not heard. Silent unless spoken to. Emotion, and sexuality, was visceral. A distraction. The only thing that separated us from the animals we raised was our control over that. But humans are animals. In capitalism, we rush everything in such a way that life becomes a race. We are never calm because destruction is just around the corner–war, economic collapse, terrorism. Our men have been raised through such an incredibly toxic patriarchal society that their connections to their e

Zeda and her best friend, Mina, two ENTJ women, sit down and hash out an introduction into what it means to be an ENTJ, the strengths & weaknesses, and romantic relationships. This is the first part of a series of interview diving into anecdotal commentary of what reading through the ENTJ explanation on www.16personalities.com is. Good luck to all of you poor unfortunate souls who listen. We are the sirens calling you to shore.