Archie and Reg

It's New Years Day! Well so what? What's that got to do with anything? It certainly won't improve Archie's mood, no matter what Reg tries.Despite being offered the opportunity to christen a ship Archie is unable to help himself getting cross as he recalls what Group Captain Sir Douglas Robert Steuart Bader, CBE, DSO & Bar, DFC & Bar, DL, did to the poor swans.Elsewhere, to bring a little bit of cheer to the proceedings, Reg attempts to intrigue Archie with a party game. Some role-playing ensues. It does not end well.An attempt by Reg to remind Archie of the lyrics of the famous 1980's pop hit 'The Reflex' goes equally badly. Bloody Simon le Bon.Follow the chaps at once on Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

Ho Ho Ho. But enough about your Mum.Seasons greetings from the club where we find Reg trying to spread a little Christmas cheer. Well we can't be having any of that!Later thoughts turn to the miracle birth that happened so many years ago. But did Reg really have to watch the conception? Archie is, naturally, outraged.All this can only mean one thing- a letter must be written to the PM. But is Archie correct? Does this letter actually reveal that Reg is a bestial pervert?Probably.

Archie and Reg have a Christmas special heading your way. So long as Reg doesn't sing. If he does you can't have it. As God is our witness, it will not come to pass!But if it does you can hear it on Christmas Day.

We note that nobody has written a review on iTunes since our last episode. You bastards.Regardless, Bubter has gone too far! However, once the dust has settled Archie is disturbed to find that Reg is quite the slut! After he's put it away Reg settles down to a nice sandwich. "Beef", apparently. Or maybe not. Things then get a little annoying but this is nothing when compared to the question as to "Who Shot JR"?Follow the chaps on Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

Vicars need to be dealt with swiftly! Following this Archie is sporting a new adornment on his head, but woe betide Reg if he happens to notice it.After this memories transport our duo to their youth and, in Reg's case, to a very bad person who kissed him. No matter how bad an experience this was it was nothing compared to poor pretentious Stephen Hawkings and his escapade at the circus recently.COMPETITION: Write Archie and Reg a (glowing five star) review on iTunes and have your name abused disgracefully in a forthcoming episode!Follow the chaps on Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

Plague is stalking the land like a...stork...or something. Archie and Reg are confined to the club! Could a horrifying discovery signal that they have some deeper involvement?Confined to their homes Reg introduces Archie to the joys of Skype and then insists Archie should clap for the "NHS". This presents a problem. After all, surely the NHS are working class?Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg...and support your NHS workers. They are wonderful and without them we would all be truly screwed.Stay safe!A&R x

Reg has a joke to tell! Archie, being a fine upstanding moral chap cannot stand for this sort of thing. A second attempt to tell a joke falls foul of Magnum PI himself, Tom Selleck! Surely this cannot lead to any sort of terrible humiliation for Reg? Finally memories turn to Auntie Anne. A good sort and a lady who was not unknown to endure the hardest of times. She liked it hard did Auntie Anne.Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Bloody Elton John is in the club but, unbelievably, that isn't the worst of Archie and Reg's problems today. Memories return to the pretentious Stephen Hawking, Archie's enemy, and the time when Bubter served the late Physicist a special home made surprise. Reg, meanwhile, is recalling a happy childhood memory. Naturally this is an opportunity for Archie to inflict some horrific mental cruelty. Reg becomes concerned about how sound is created in the vacuum of space.Quite what this has to do with vibrators is anybody's guess. Bubter, in an attempt to ensure our titular heroes drink up and leave when they're meant to, has installed an alarm in the club. Quite what that has to do with the shouty German chaps outside though is up for debate...Follow the chaps on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Channel 5? Common. However after that important lesson thoughts turn to a man. Not THE man, but a man. Somehow Archie and Reg must unknit the diseased mass that is Archie's brain to discover who this was! Reg, meanwhile, is learning French. A pointless exercise when Archie is fluent in French. Just so long as you don't ask him to prove it. And then there's Clive. Poor Clive and his Chimp...Wife. Definetely his wife and not a monkey. She needs training and some extreme approaches must be taken.

Tough times ahead as Reg reveals himself to be a colossal pervert! He's been watching filth on the television. Well, at least that's what Archie thinks. Young men expelling through their wands? Surely this is perversion of the highest magnitude? Could it be that Reg is a Satanist? Archie believes so.To settle the mood (and pacify Archie), Reg agrees to play a game. What could go wrong when the traditional fun of a "one word story" is left in the hands of two chaps who should really be locked up?Once the fallout from this is dealt with Archie reveals he has been planning to whom he can leave all his wordly goods once he passes on. Surely there is a little something for his dear friend Reg?Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg and on Facebook.

Well there's a problem. Reg is playing a word game. The only problem with that is that nobody knows the rules, including Reg. Elsewhere he tries to educate Archie in the literature of JRR Tolkien. Something about Gnomes or something. Archie is less than excited. Furthermore Eminem, that little funtybunter, has been up to his old tricks. This cannot be allowed. Coffee may be the answer...Coffee. Real Coffee. Not any of this "drinking cotton s*it". Finally the chaps relax with Archie's new "app" which he thinks is designed to allow men to discuss metalwork with one another. He is quite wrong.Follow the chaps on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg or on Facebook.And why not leave a lovely review on iTunes? Only lovely reviews though. We know where you live.

Once Archie's bloody prolapse has been dealt with, again, thoughts turn to an unfortunate incident when a casting couch came in to play. Reg attempts to play a game of 'Name That Tune' much to Archie's anger and his attempts to tell a joke don't go any better and may see him banged in the Slammer. Meanwhile Su Pollard is proving to be less erotic than she should be!Follow the chaps on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg or on Facebook at once!

You may recall, dear Listener, that the so-called "host" of this podcast failed in their duties and wiped our first twenty vital missives simply because we refused to pay the bill!Regardless, here is a second of volume of so-called "missing episodes" from the far distant days of Autumn 2017. Honestly, it's like delivering the "world's best podcast"* in Nazi Germany, it really is.In this volume Noel bloody Edmonds makes his first appearance, Pascale (French chap, bit simple) had an unfortunate incident whilst trying to sample the milky goodness of a cow, an evil Nun commits an atrocity, Archie has an issue with a Squirrel, Reg recalls a famous star of the Carry On films taking refuge in his intimate area, Archie misunderstands a joke and forms an opinion on Woody Allen, Titchmarsh shows off his impressive vegetable, some Eggnog is far too salty, Derek fails to arrive and Peter arrives. And he arrives hard. Dirty boy.Anyway, why not give us a review on iTunes? We might even use your name in an abusive manner on the podcast if you do!You can also follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg and on Facebook.Regards (firmer)A&R.(*purely our opinion)

Reg has heard a terrifying tale about a well known children's entertainer. Could there be any truth in this?Talking of entertainers Mr.Poo has died. One half of the famous Victorian Music Hall act, Mr.Wee Wee and Mr.Poo. Things were never the same for them when they had to start working in an old folks home.Archie, meanwhile, is livid. Ronnie Corbett is staging his latest play but hasn't considered Archie for a role. Surely this is some sort of mistake?Finally we find Archie unwell. Terribly unwell. He can't even contemplate the idea of a drink. Could this be connected with Reg being taken up the canal by Seamen?Follow the chaps on Twitter: @ArchieAndRegSubscribe via iTunes-> https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/archie-and-reg/id1319593004?mt=2

Well now, some time ago someone forgot to pay a bill. This angered Mr.Buzz Sprout (common) who then wiped our first twenty missives from 2017 with malice aforethought.But all is not yet lost and here we present the first 10 episodes of Archie and Reg almost in broadcast order.Aren't you "lucky"?Regards,A&R.

"Happy Christmas"Now that we've covered that let's move on to the important business and, after some light blasphemy to open, Archie and Reg take the film industry to task. Reg is annoyed by the antics of both Oliver Reed and Michael Caine and Archie is not happy when he recalls the shenanigans of Roy Scheider getting over excited after meeting a certain Lady Thatcher.Later Reg's attempts to lighten the mood in the club by telling a little joke are met head on by Archie's lack of humour.Still, it is Christmas after all, and our titular pair find themselves at a carol concert being given by the Orphans. Archie poses a question. There may well be ramifications...Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

The chaps are back! Controversy reigns in the club as Reg has a new friend! This disgraceful behaviour cannot be allowed. Later Archie relaxes and reminisces about his recent holiday in Cornwall. Strange people, the population of Bodmin. But nothing could have prepared him for an encounter with The Beast.Oh and Dirty Kevin has been at it again. Pervert.FOLLOW THE CHAPS AT ONCE VIA "TWITTER"- @ArchieAndReg or on Facebook.Subscribe on iTunes via https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/archie-and-reg/id1319593004?mt=2or Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/7HfpBeGUz16crVqlEkNfZk?si=Owj9Kuk0Rhq3b3G-rP6jAQAnd be ready for a Christmas Day surprise in your "inbox".Regards,A&R.

Dear Listener,Archie is in a terribly good mood. That doesn't bode well for Series 3!But wait...all is not lost!....

Reg still has his driver imprisoned but his teething is being coped with. Sadly Archie is having to resort to more violent methods to control that Frenchman he bought. Will it stop him making "love"?Archie has been through the wringer somewhat lately. He is understandably furious and as a campaigner for Disability rights he feels he has to make a stand. There are fourteen stairs in the club. This is an outrage. Somebody has to pay! That someone is Dame Thora...Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Reg realises that, as it is the first Tuesday of the month, it is Archie's turn to pick up the bar bill. This is, of course, disgusting! Can it be that Reg is really that mean?Anyway, does anyone remember Daft Kenneth? Annoying boy from Prestwick. His Mother remembered him, so she had to be dealt with.Elsewhere Archie is having issues with his back door. It's beginning to fester and looks as though it might eat someone. Can Reg save the day by pretending to be a lady, or does Archie have a more sinister plan?Follow the lads on Twitter! @ArchieAndReg

Archie has uncovered something rather fruity- love letters, apparently written by Reg's Grandfather. But not to Granny Reg. To someone rather more important. And a little bit regal.Once this has been dealt with there is a situation regarding Tom Jones who is due at the Club with his perfoming Hoe's.The main situation being that Motown music is involved which, as we all know, is very common. Archie is less than impressed.Follow the chaps on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Archie is delighted. A new royal baby! And more to the point the baby isn't called Reg, is he? No. He's called Archie. Archie! And why's that? Well it's obvious isn't it? Isn't it?In other news the boy is not about at the moment. Is he doing what boys of his age do? Lying in bed, idling away the hours in a disgraceful way. But why does this categorically prove that Reg is a pervert?Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Sister Cockburn was a very strange character. Stalking the corridors of Archie & Reg's school she became a figure to be feared by everyone. But nobody had quite so much reason to fear her as young Gregory. He had a puppy. Had.Bruce Forsyth is noticeable by his absence at the club. Could the reason be what he got up to in Bosnia some time ago?Elsewhere there is a touch of jealousy in the world. Reg seems to be suggesting that he likes women but only when they're shaved and is rather worried that Archie is deserting him for the tender favours of Nigel Farage!Follow the chaps on Twitter! @ArchieAndReg

There's been a Hoo-hah at that bar. Or has there? Archie is determined to find out.Elsewhere memory takes our titular duo back to their schooldays at Prestwick Hall where Matron would frequently sunbathe in her lady garden. It's also where she kept her pet sheep with whom Reg had a close encounter. Little did he realise that Archie was watching.Did you know that Archie once worked for the BBC? It wasn't that successful. His ideas met with some stiff resistance, especially at a planning meeting at which the subject of cocks was raised.Follow the boys on Twitter - @ArchieAndReg

Somehow Archie has seen an edition of Oprah Winfrey's chat show and he is not at all happy. There is only one possible outcome. She must be stuffed forthwith!Even such an exciting thought as this, however, can not make up for the sad and tragic fact that Nana has passed away. Archie and Reg remember the amusing time she milked the cow, although are unclear as to why it only had one udder.To relieve the sadness the chaps ponder the question "which celebrities would you invite to a dinner party?" If they can get passed the trough of course.Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Reg seems to be in a remarkably good mood. What can be the cause of this? To discover the truth, Archie is forced to do something he has never done before. A meeting with "Cheerful Tits" is on the cards.Archie, later, seems to be in a remarkably bad mood. Some might even say he seemed depressed. It's not impossible that a spot of psychotherapy is required.Finally there is some excitement in the air as the delicatessen down the road has begun serving a new delicacy! Who would have dreamt that this would lead to the acknowledgement of the fact that Reg is in fact a bestial pervert?Follow the chaps forthwith on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

The chaps are up for an award! Why not be a chum, go to www.britishpodcastawards.com/vote , search for Archie And Reg and give them a swift finger on the button?After breaking the fourth wall (as you do) the Gents are disturbed by the presence of Elton John. That's fine, he's a member of the club. However could it be that he is up to no good?Once Elton John has been dispensed Reg is in rather a good mood. Well Archie really can't let that pass, can he?TWITTER: @ArchieAndReg

Poor Archie seems to have gone blind. This is the issue with cocktail sticks.After recovering thoughts turn to Kinky Suzanne who used to service the participants at the yearly Tory Party Conference. Lovely girl. Bit sticky.Furthermore there seems to be an issue as the whether the chaps are manly or not. That chap from the popular 70s sitcom "Are You Being Done?" may have an opinion to offer.Follow the chaps on the Twitter @ArchieAndReg

It appears that there is some kerfuffle about this Brexit malarkey.Quite why they didn't call Archie and Reg in to sort it is beyond us!

Reg seems to think it's acceptable to play a parlour game. "Simon Says?" The question should be what does Archie say? Tricky Mickey was a strange one. Very fond of the common folk.Meanwhile there is an issue over a bottle of wine. This was a present to Reg, but where on Earth is it? And what's more, what does it have to do with Reg's pig faced partner?Follow the Gents on Twitter - @ArchieAndReg

Terrible news! That old chap down the street appears to have been killed! It did take some time and it could be that Archie knows some important information about this.Reg's nefarious past then rears its ugly head as he relives some of the worst excesses from his past. Still, if you're attempting to join the most villainous cult on the face of the Earth you're going to have to dig deep.And then...Brexit. Everybody has an opinion on Brexit. Well not Archie as he has somehow managed to avoid hearing about it. Once Reg has informed him about it his confusion knows no bounds. Could it be his wine stock is in peril? It's all easily solved however, so long as the French apologise. Follow Archie And Reg on Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

An accusation has been made regarding Old Mister Titties. He's been sitting in a tree and Archie believes, with very little evidence mark you, that Reg has taken advantage.Elsewhere Reg needs to answer the call of nature, but why would he need to grease a dog? Could it be that there is more to this than meets the eye and the truth is that Archie has been playing with himself?Memory also transports our titular duo back to their schooldays and a trip to Romania they undertook with their chums and the legendary Dirty Steve. Not everyone made it back.Follow Archie And Reg on Twitter- @ArchieAndReg

Reg is not trying to attract a horse. It's worse than that. It's a bloody Squirrel and he's going at it!Elsewhere there is confusion between two gentlemen called Russell and, if things needed to be worse there are issues with the Polish and a chap who sits in a chair with wheels on it.

Tom Cruise? Mission Impossible? If it's a film about something that is unachievable then how have they made a film about it? And it doesn't even feature a great big Monkey doing a great big piss.Elsewhere Derek Acorah hasn't turned up to the club. But that doesn't mean he hasn't sent a representative.And you may find this difficult to believe but the chaps have found yet another reason to be cross with women. Could this be to do with the "bloody shelf" that Reg was meant to put up six months ago? There is also a question as to whether Reg's wife's slot is big or small.Follow the boys on the Twitter forthwith! @ArchieAndReg

Archie is not the easiest chap to annoy but that has never stopped Reg from trying.Once the wreckage has been put in the bin the Gents recall Bill Clinton who used to work in the club in the cloakroom. Problems only occurred when he had anything made of suede in his care.Elsewhere Archie has his chance to take his revenge and has come up with a way to make Archie pay for his many crimes across the century. Surely it would take a terrifying religious order to stop his dastardly plan?Follow the boys on the Twitter: @ArchieAndReg

Reg has not gone mental. He is simply wearing ladies clothing.Elsewhere former Conservative leader is ignoring our duo which leads to an embarrassing remembrance of the time Archie became confused by the word "secretary" and a sexism occurred.Shockingly Reg has made a word up: "feminist". This is clearly something dirty and Archie has to take him to task. Could there be a connection with the terrifying event of yesterday in which Archie saw a "lady"?Follow the chaps on Twitter @ArchieAndReg

Spunky Ted was never a man afraid of taking a risk, and never more so than when he made his way to the South Coast wearing his "Kiss Me Quick!" hat. Twelve pints though? Who would have thought a human could contain so much fluid?Regardless, Archie has decided to attempt to tell a joke. All that he needs is for Reg not to get distracted by ladies boobies.

Archie wants to put it behind him, but his rearend is in disagreement. Meanwhile whilst Reg hides a dark secret in his trousers, he finds himself contemplating a new career.. much to Archie's dustain

Well now this is awkward. Archie may have been poisoned and Reg may be the culprit! Could this really be true, or is it rather more sinister and to do with an incident involving some private photographs from 1973 involving HRH Princess Anne?Also Archie poses the question "who was your childhood hero?" Reg's answer is a barrage of homoerotic filth and discrimination. Well, it is if you're Archie.

All the great books are written by chaps. This is a simple statement of facts. It is also a statement of fact that no "woman" has ever written a single book in the whole of history. Yet today Dame Barbara Cartland is due to visit the club to unleash her latest novel into the world. How can this circle be squared? More to the point, who has got the bucket and mop?There is a further issue: Reg would seem to be breaking every rule in Archie's book. He's a health and safety nightmare! Drastic action would seem to be needed.And whilst we're at it, what the hell is that soup?

Archie is in a terrible mood. Nothing new there, but this time nothing will shift it. There's only one thing that may help and that's reminiscing over all those glorious times he has caused Reg terrible harm. Will it be enough?Post recovery thoughts turn to Morbid Malcolm who used to look so sad when the bottom fell out of the ladies underwear market. Luckily he had a way of cheering himself up in the Gents.And as if that isn't enough, bloody Elton John is in the club...and he's brought the kids along!

Archie & Reg would like to wish Yuletide felicitations to all of you filthy Funtybunters and hope that you're having a lovely day...unlike Archie whose plan to upset the orphans with the aid of Reg's testicles has gone wrong.Elsewhere Morrisey is causing problems, but not quite as many as a certain Mr.J.Christ of Nazareth who, much to his disgust, has been outed as a commoner by Archie.Anyway, firm regards and best wishes,A&R.

Archie is beside himself with fury as his oil lamp has gone missing. Could this have a connection with Reg’s previous infatuation with that terrible bounder Nigel Havers?Furthermore Reg believes he has a joke worth telling. Archie is less convinced...

The light entertainment world of the 1970s has come under the spotlight recently which reminds our titular duo of the foul deeds of respected newscaster Sir Trevor Macdonald and in particular the unfortunate predicament that befell Angela Rippon when the apparently friendly rivalry betwixt God’s own BBC and the grubby little ITV went a little far.In other news Archie still has his captive under the stairs and Reg has fallen for the charms of Mavis The Cleaner.

Why would a man be in a forest? What on Earth can be going on? And why doesn’t he make a sound…or does he?In other news Bubter, the manager of the bar, has made a shocking announcement which reminds Archie of the time that a popular sitcom popped in to the club. But that isn’t the point. Maybe a protest is called for. Maybe a special sort of protest?

As disgusting as this may sound Reg has been caught red handed watching the third channel. ITV! Not the BBC, the Queen’s television service, but the network channel. Archie is disgusted. He is also confused by the idea of a show in which Anton du Deke, or is it Ant and Dec, imprisons people in a jungle and then spies on them. That can’t be right, can it?In other news Reg has decided he fancies himself as a Poet. Is there something more sinister here? Is he becoming one of those Lavender Boys?And finally Archie and Reg hear from a man who, beyond any shadow of a doubt, has sex with dogs.

There’s trouble afoot! Archie’s attempts to snort Gin are disrupted by Reg and his desire to become a life coach (whatever the hell that means). He’s already providing his services to one Harry Styles and a phone call from (not) The Pope arouses Archie’s interests.Elsewhere there is an incident with Clive’s wife who is mucking around and flashing her underparts. You can’t trust them!Follow the boys on Twitter @ArchieAndReg or seek them out on Facebook!

A man and a lady have been seen holding hands. Whilst this is already distasteful enough there is a real concern that the man seemed to actually be a lady! What the hell could that be about? And what does it have to do with the creator of the fictional superspy James Bond?Elsewhere thoughts turn to Schrödinger and the nonsense he used to get up to extorting money from people with that bloody box of his.And whilst we’re at it, what’s that Grandfather clock for?

Matters political are concerning our duo as they contemplate the fothrcoming midterm election in America. That Mr.Trump chappie may well have introduced a law to have people put in a hole and shot! Or something. Maybe not. But there is also the small matter of cats in Arkansas to ponder.In other news, bloody Theresa May is in the club again and she is more determined than ever to give Reg a touching!

The time has come for our titular duo to write their life stories. Sadly Archie can't get anywhere and Reg's only interesting moment (involving a King Charles Spaniel) isn't enough to fill a page never mind a whole book.Elsewhere Richard Madeley is back with her another sitcom idea and a pig under his arm.But first, a song.

The boys are back! Archie recalls an unfortunate time back in 68 when he was on tour with Elvis Presley and the issues created by the penchant The King had for a sack of budgerigars before his legendary Vegas shows...but first they have to take issue with a so-called "podcast" so-called "review"...Archie and Reg are now on Twitter @ArchieAndReg and Facebook www.facebook.com/ArchieAndReg