Missing Real with Mike D'Arrigo

Snakes...why did it have to be...snakes?  Well, because it's Lunar New Year of the Snake!  Took me half the year to get this thing wrapped and ready, but here it finally is: a festive gathering with a couple of buddies to talk about some of the most memorable (or best forgotten) snake-related movies through the years!  As we slither along, we'll cover Snakes on a Plane, Anaconda, & Sssssss!  Plus a few unexpected twists and turns.  I've got Dave Chan and Evan Lam down in the snake pit with me, and if you stick around til the end credits, maybe you'll get to hear a long-lost song I wrote in the late 2000's inspired by Sam Jackson's immortal dialogue.  Get ready to tip the SCALES!

Let's face it: even the most die-hard Star Wars fans absolutely HATED episodes I and II (and probably also hated every Die Hard after the second or third one).  But no matter what, we just HAD to see it through and get some closure, at last witnessing the origin of Darth Vader.  Hearing that iconic voice for the "first" time.  The movie turned out to be pretty satisfying, as if Vader himself threatened George Lucas with a good old "You've failed me for the last time!”   Sadly, Vader's few lines in this film are far from menacing...and you'll get to hear them along with a whole lot of much better dialogue from me and a very special guest: my cousin and fellow Star Wars veteran since the very start, Chris Nicosia!  For once, I have a good feeling about this!

Everyone knows who Batman is (unless you happen to live in Gotham City, then it might take a while) so here's my tribute to the Dark Knight's first big cinematic adventures since the 1960s Adam West camp-fest.  Most of us were skeptical about a Michael Keaton/Tim Burton collaboration.  We were expecting something ridiculous...Beetleman?!?  Batjuice?!?   To our surprise, 1989's Batman delivered, thanks in no small part to Jack Nicholson's even battier Joker.  We then got a bonkers sequel, Batman Returns, with Christopher Walken in a supporting role that basically steals the show.  Of course, I'm a bit biased and maintain that Walken steals every show.  Even mine.  This POD.  CAST.  So put on your BatBeats or whatever sort of headphones are handy and have a listen, you'll see who the real "joker" is.Go with a smile!

In retrospect, it turns out that Michael Keaton might have been the coolest Batman of all time.  I mean, did anyone really go see that Flash movie because The Flash is so awesome?  Nope.  Keaton Batman.  That's why.  In the mid-1990s, after Tim Burton stepped away from the franchise, the next couple of Batman movies would have a new director, and (gasp!) a couple of new Batmen.  While we've seen some really excellent work from both Val Kilmer (RIP) and George Clooney, these were not their crowning achievements.  Or should I say masking achievements?  These movies quickly became a parody of themselves, goofy as hell, turning our Dark Knight into a Dork Knight.  Oh, yeah...and Robin.  Well, there were a few entertaining villains in the mix, and you might find some entertainment listening to me dissect these 2 oddities in the Batman cinematic timeline.  But, truthfully, I don't think even Ozzy would want a taste of these bats.  

For this episode, I've dug up a forgotten relic: one of director Michael Mann's earliest flicks, a pretty cheesy movie that will in no way remind you of his finer works like Thief, Heat, or even Miami Vice.  It's The Keep!  No, wait...don't leave, listen!  It's the first big Hollywood film appearance of Ian McKellen, before he was "Magneto", before he was "Gandalf", before he was "Sir"...and before his agent knew to steer him clear of this kind of crap.  Yet, it still shapes up to be sort of a supernatural twist on the classic Mann "heist" theme: bustin' open walls, stealing shiny objects, getting the hell out.  Moody and atmospheric, a good old early 80's lost treasure that fans of the genre should give a go.   Dust off the old VHS copy or stream it if you haven't seen it already.  Or just enjoy this podcast, it's probably better.  That ain't sayin' much, but feel free to listen! 

Adapted from one of those massive old Stephen King books that would cripple you if you dropped it on your foot, The Stand was an ambitious 1994 TV miniseries (no cussin'!  These were the "prime time network television" days!) with a big cast and a 4-night run.  Plus commercials!  That's an awful lot of time to sit watching this post-apocalyptic saga, but if you'd read the book you knew it was King's magnum opus and they weren't airing Magnum P.I. anymore, so this would have to do!  It's a really imaginative Good versus Evil kind of thing set in the wake of a plague that wipes out most of the Earth's population but still leave a huge bunch of characters alive for us to keep track of.  Some fine actors (and, er...Stephen King) do their best to bring this sprawling tale to life.  Now you can experience The Stand (or if you wanna relax, "The Sit") as an audio adventure with me performing every part and wasting slightly less of your time than the miniseries would.  Which side will you choose...?  Good?  Evil?  Or Dumb?  

Another blockbuster action flick from Michael Bay, and probably his most excellent movie!  A disgruntled General and some Marines hold a bunch of tourists hostage on Alcatraz island (conveniently, the place is full of rusty but working jail cells!) and it's up to "chemical superfreak" Nicolas Cage and former "British Sheecret Shervish" agent Sean Connery to bust them loose and stop Ed Harris and his brigade from launching these deadly green balls of toxic chemical gas at the innocent citizens of San Francisco!  Those poor people have it bad enough having to go up and down 45-degree angle tilted streets every day, don't they?  We've got car chases, demolition, hand-to-hand combat, lots of things blowing up, and even some excellent performances (I was gonna say "acting", but you know...Cage is doing his over-the-top Cagey stuff...not sure if there's an Oscar category for Best Batshit Rant from a Lead Actor...).  Plain and simple, action and entertainment up the wazoo!  Welcome to The Rock!  You're in, mate!   

Groundbreaking, mind-blowing and Keanu whoa-ing...this was such an awesome movie on every level and it still holds up today!  Chop-socky fight scenes, bullet-time ballet, cool wardrobe, cyberpunk philosophy, we've got everything but the kitchen sink.  Oh, and possibly a spoon.  Still can't get my head around that one.  Actually, this is a movie you can love without understanding a thing that's happening.  However, just in case you're seeking actual "knowledge" from my geeky little podcast, we are lucky to have my Neo-like friend David Franklin with us this time to delve deeply into the fascinating science and technology that permeates the Matrix, and our present/future reality.  Or just to counterbalance my inane babble.  So, plug in, free yourself, and enjoy the ride.  Have a cookie.  Or a fake steak...ignorance is bliss! 

This is my shortest episode ever, specially recorded for my ADD fan base.  In just 7 minutes and change, I'll take a mad run through all the major movies and projects of M. Night Shyamalan.  If you have the patience/interest/undying admiration for every word I utter, please feel free to listen to my official full-length Shyamalan episode, too!  Different jokes, and a possible TWIST ENDING!  OOOOOH!  

Everyone loves a good plot twist.  Or a twist ending, if you stick around long enough.  One particular movie I'm surprised didn't have more twists: Twister.  After the huge success of The Sixth Sense in 1999, writer/director/somewhat actor M. Night Shyamalan rolled out a succession of films which made less and less sense, but still showed signs of greatness, if you could follow what was happening.  Some audiences would rather split and find the nearest glass of booze at the village tavern.  Before this clever gimmick of mine starts getting old, let me trap you into listening to my fun rundown of some of the most memorable and/or baffling movies by this creative and shameless artist.  This is gonna be a hell of a Night...

   Nobody remembers Krull.  Nobody's seen Krull, most likely.  What the hell IS Krull, anyway??  Well, it's an extremely underrated 1983 fantasy film that I've always loved to watch again and again, I suppose to make up for all the people who didn't bother to.  But you should!  It's got a telepathy-controlled throwing star!  How many ninjas can say that?  It's got Liam Neeson in a role he probably wishes he hadn't...taken.  It's got Slayers!!  No, not the band Slayer, but there's a cyclops here who's played by an actor who was in Hawk the Slayer...oh, that's another movie you didn't see.  Never mind, let's focus on this movie: Krull!  I bet you forgot already.  Give this movie a chance, I mean it.  It's pretty cheesy, but then so are most pizzas and who doesn't like pizza, y'know?  I managed to persuade my buddy Dave Chan to watch the DVD after 6 months of pleading and death threats.  I think he actually enjoyed it, and you'll hear all about it on this adventurous episode of Missing Real!       

Vampires have been around for a long time, kinda like this old TV miniseries/movie based on one of Stephen King's earliest novels.  In 1979, it was one of the scariest things you could see on your television other than that white noise "snow" on the screen where you'd have to get up out of your comfy chair and grab those "rabbit ears" antennas and move 'em around in dozens of configurations and angles until you could see a clear picture again.  Ahh, memories...and if you understood any of that you are quite old yourself, but not as old as a vampire so please don't get offended!  Now... as for this podcast, it covers not only Tobe Hooper's eerie original film, but also the 2004 remake which really wasn't very scary at all.  I was just scared it was gonna suck.  Now hurry up and listen to this chilling and funny episode, 'cause daylight's wastin'!  Face the master!  Is your faith...enough?

While many moviegoers stopped caring about Aliens after the second Alien movie (Aliens! Duh!), this franchise has survived for over 4 decades with an impressive array of directors trying to terrify, thrill, and gross us out.  Seems there's more than one way to open an egg.  When the master himself, Sir Ridley Scott, returned to the Alien universe with 2 movies intended as a trilogy prequel to the original Alien, the fans spewed acid all over them and probably scared Ridley back to making another Gladiator and overblown historical epics like Napoleon.  There, happy???  I learned all I needed to about Napoleon from Bill & Ted, thank you very much.  I wanna know more about xenomorphs, synthetic people and sci-fi stuff!  So now we have a cool throwback story set safely between the first two Alien films (in a space no one can hear you complain?) and people mostly seem to like it.  Mostly.  I like to think the same holds true for my little podcast, so won't you have a listen?  Put on your earhuggers and enjoy! 

Most would say that after Terminator 2: Judgment Day, we really didn't need any more of these movies.  The future already happened, got prevented, hopefully ever after, right?  James Cameron was done with this franchise and Arnold Schwarzenegger was ready to take on his new political role of "The Governator".  But first, this.  One more cybernetic romp with a new bad gal robot trying to snuff out John Connor before he could grow up to be a future rebel leader.  We get to see how A.I. evolves to take over all our technology and nukes (not that we've learned anything yet!) and watch the beginning of the end for humankind!  Fun!  I do my best to see the lighter side of all that apocalyptic dread as I lead you to the safety of comedy and movie nerdism right here on Missing Real!  Come with me if you want to laugh.    

Someone's making a racket on Arrakis!  That'd be me, along with my faithful friend Dave Chan, playing in the audio sandbox once again to bring you a fun-filled podcast about the latest (and possibly longest) Dune movie.  It won't be the last, either.  That's a lot of sand to stare at, but luckily this time around we have awesome characters that weren't in Part One, including Feyd (so there'll be a killer knife fight and just maybe a Police song.  Or an Elvis one, at least) and The Emperor, played by the inimitable Christopher Walken! (Oh, who am I kidding...everyone imitates Walken, so you know...what I'll be sounding like half the time...).  Trust me, this podcast is a blast that'll worm its way into your heart and spice up your life.  If you "Wannabe" my listener.  

If I were on a game show and the category was "Top 10 Things That Are Cuban", my first thought wouldn't be cigars, Desi Arnaz, or that missile crisis.  It would be Tony Montana, OK??  One of cinema's most iconic criminals, played by Al Pacino in 1983's Scarface, this guy spews F-bombs and bullets like crazy, man.  10 years later, Pacino would win an Oscar for Scent of a Woman, where the naughtiest word he said (repeatedly) was "hoo-ha!".  But nobody remembers that character, right?  Did he cut down dozens of drug thugs with a machine gun?  NO.  He didn't kill a single person, even though he was a blind guy driving a Ferrari.  Hey, I'm not condoning gratuitous violence.  Blame Brian DePalma for that, if you must, but Scarface is a riveting masterpiece of a movie.  I have to talk about it!  Why don't you grab some coke (the beverage!!) and have a listen?      

Nearly a decade before the MCU, and a decade after MC Hammer, Marvel's X-Men stormed onto cinema screens! (See what I did there?)  Way cooler than "Super Friends" (or Justice League, if you insist), these mutants had crazy powers and were not all just made up to fight crime and save people.  Some of them were bad!  They'd fight each other!  They all came from Earth, not Krypton or some cave!  They had one of the coolest badass characters in any comic book: Wolverine!  He's like Clint Eastwood with knives instead of bullets.  Playing him instantly made Hugh Jackman a major star.  Patrick Stewart's here, too!  Not in the Captain's chair, but a wheelchair.  With his powerful mind, he can make it GO!  There's plenty to geek out about, so here I am revisiting the original trilogy of X-Men movies from 2000-2006.  This podcast is so awesome, when you listen to it, you might mutate!  

By now we've gotten to see all our favorite "classic" Star Wars heroes return to the saga after a decades-long wait, and then they all got snuffed out.  Except for Lando, of course...the least "heroic" out of them all...he gets to live!  You remember he double-crossed the REAL heroes and was eyeing Princess Leia from the get-go.  Grrrrr...it's enough to make you wanna pull someone's arms out of their sockets (like the screenwriters?) but here we have a stand-alone movie about the coolest dude ever to zip through hyperspace: Han Solo!  Why, we'd be happy if EVERY Star Wars movie was a Han Solo adventure.  On the condition that he's played by Harrison Ford!  Which, sorry to say, he's not.  We've got a younger version of Han, and a totally new actor filling those boots.  Seems pretty iffy to say the least, but it turns out to be a decent movie after all, with some excitement and humor, familiar furry faces (Chewie, of course!  Not the effin' ewoks!) and just a slight touch of the Force.  Director Ron Howard did a great job with it, and I bet the making of this movie brought everyone involved some Happy Days.  Play this podcast and today can be one for you!  

Pop quiz: a giant asteroid is hurtling towards Earth and will spell certain doom when it hits!  Ignoring the fact that asteroids can't spell, name that movie!  Um, is this multiple choice?  Kind of...ya see, there were two movies out in 1998 about this imminent threat from some distant space quarry, but I'm going with the bigger, badder, dumber one: Armageddon!  Directed (can you call it that?) by Michael Bay!  Action and adrenaline aplenty here, along with a hit soundtrack album that I dare say is even better than Dirty Dancing!  But, never mind the music...who's gonna save the Earth?!?  Destroying this asteroid will take a lot more than just dropping some quarters at the old video arcade!  It takes Bruce Willis!  Yippee-ki-yay, Meteor Fragment!  (sorry...I had to)  Now, while there's still time...listen to this podcast!  It ROCKS!  

In 1995, moviegoers and Godfather geeks were lining up to see Al Pacino and Robert De Niro share the screen for the first time ever in the crime epic Heat.   They might not have realized that in the 3 hour running time, they're together for maybe 3 minutes!  But OMG... those 3 minutes were riveting!   Even the other 2 hours and 57 minutes of it were pretty intense.  Crazy shootouts, double-crosses and heists, dysfunctional relationships, and a hopped-up live wire Al Pacino shouting at everyone he meets.  But when he finally gets face-to-face with De Niro, they chat over coffee.  Really.  That's the big hoo-ha: a quiet conversation.  What do they say?  "Say hello to my little friend!"  "You talkin' to me?" "You're out of order!" "Little bit...".  Well, thankfully it's a lot better than that!  This is probably Michael Mann's greatest work.  Crockett & Tubbs wish they were this cool.  Colorful clothing and Jan Hammer keytar solos ain't gonna cut it.  Get ready to feel some heat!   

 How many times have they tried bringing that bonkers science fiction epic Dune to the screen?  Better question: why do I keep watching all of them?  I'm still no closer to understanding what on Arrakis is going on.  It's not very likely that this podcast is going to enlighten anyone as to what Frank Herbert was getting at, but that's okay!  It's more fun than surfing on a giant worm, I promise.  Together with my good friend Dave Chan, we chew the spice and discuss both David Lynch's 1984 disaster and Denis Villeneuve's 2021 update.  None of it makes much sense, other than nonsense, but really...that's what you're here for, isn't it?  Enjoy!

When a stunningly gorgeous woman wants to have sex with you, for FREE,  the hour you meet her, that should raise a red flag.  Especially if she's really an H.R. Giger-designed alien creature masquerading as Natasha Henstridge.  Hey, it happens.  This 1995 movie delivers the blood and boobs (human and extraterrestrial, to be precise) and boasts a pretty impressive cast with a thankless assignment chasing this babe all over L.A. trying to stop her from getting pregnant and slaughtering her suitors.  Girl's got ISSUES!  But whatever species you might belong to, this is a really fun flick worth watching, even if it is a bit..."SIL-ly".  

You might be shocked that I'm actually covering a "new" movie on this podcast, since I'm usually going back to the 80s for my topics, but this one does have an "old" lead character and actor who's actually IN his 80s!  Harrison Ford, my all-time favorite star of the screen, returns one last time to play Indiana Jones, and the most nail-biting, cliff-hanging feeling about it is: will it suck as badly as Crystal Skull?  Here to share some insights, stories and personal connections to Harrison Ford is my very special guest Lisa Blake-Mitchell!  (Oh, sorry...were you expecting Ke Huy Quan or something?)  You won't need a map or worthless bronze medallion to find the treasures that await you in this audio adventure.  Let's talk Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny!  Nobody's ever rocked a whip with more panache.  Well, except maybe Devo.  

How can the guy who wrote The Empire Strikes Back go on to direct this unmitigated disaster of a cinematic abortion??  I'm still in denial.  Blame it on drugs, maybe?  The drugs that Stephen King was on while recovering from multiple surgeries after being hit by a distracted motorist while he was out for a walk.  The novel he eventually churned out, Dreamcatcher, should have credited Oxycontin as co-author.  It was sort of kooky, but in a King style.  The movie version, courtesy of Lawrence Kasdan, is a whole different kind of horrible.  Sitting through it is only marginally preferable to being eaten by a Wampa.  Dreamcatcher is such a nightmare even Freddy Krueger can't stand it.  But please....by all means, give it a look!  Listen to my podcast as I lavish everything but praise upon it.  It's almost too bad to resist.  

In-between The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi, we Star Wars fans were given a cinematic "snack" in 2016 in the form of Rogue One, the first stand-alone/non-episode Roman numeral movie set in that galaxy far, far away.  You could call it a "solo" movie, but that's actually something else that came along a couple years later!  This one here deals with a bunch of characters you've never heard of before who managed to acquire and steal those plans for the Death Star, even though they never got any credit for it.  Until NOW!  There might not be too many familiar faces here, but the good news is there's no Jar Jar Binks and not a single Ewok anywhere to be found!  This actually turned out to be a pretty excellent film, praised by most of the fans and fairly immune to the typical haters out there.  It makes an excellent prelude to A New Hope, and features a brief but thrilling appearance by Darth Vader.  Almost as thrilling: my special guest on the podcast is none other than Ed Marcus, who can bullseye a womp rat with his T16 (I've seen him do it) so he's qualified to share the cockpit on this hyperspace debate!  Join the rebellion and listen now!  Don't make me Force ya.  

Another blockbuster action flick from Michael Bay, and probably his most excellent movie!  A disgruntled General and some Marines hold a bunch of tourists hostage on Alcatraz island (conveniently, the place is full of rusty but working jail cells!) and it's up to "chemical superfreak" Nicolas Cage and former "British Sheecret Shervish" agent Sean Connery to bust them loose and stop Ed Harris and his brigade from launching these deadly green balls of toxic chemical gas at the innocent citizens of San Francisco!  Those poor people have it bad enough having to go up and down 45-degree angle tilted streets every day, don't they?  We've got car chases, demolition, hand-to-hand combat, lots of things blowing up, and even some excellent performances (I was gonna say "acting", but you know...Cage is doing his over-the-top Cagey stuff...not sure if there's an Oscar category for Best Batshit Rant from a Lead Actor...).  Plain and simple, action and entertainment up the wazoo!  Welcome to The Rock!  You're in, mate!  

If I ever got to meet Christopher Walken, I'd certainly tell him how much I love his films and erratic speech patterns.  But, I'd be a little hesitant to shake his hand...'cause what if there was a sudden JOLT and he saw some terrifying future for me?  Or envisioned a total breakdown of civilization all because of my stupid Missing Real podcast?  I'm overreaching here, of course...we really just wanna focus on this fantastic David Cronenberg/Stephen King classic, The Dead Zone.  Walken plays the boringly named John Smith, who can see the future or past secrets of people just by taking their hand.  He's got a POW-wuh.  But will it be a curse?  Also in the movie is a live-wire Martin Sheen, as a political candidate you definitely do NOT want in the West Wing.  Also in this podcast is my good buddy Dave Chan.  And a couple of cats you won't hear much from.  Actual CATS, not jazz musicians.  But when you're talkin' like Walken, everything is improvised!    

Considering this movie came out in 2001 (and was originally going to be made by the director of 2001!), the concept of Artificial Intelligence is now about as common as coffee in our everyday lives.  Real intelligence, on the other hand, is still more of a science fiction fantasy than ever, and you won't find much of it in this podcast but don't let that stop you!  This is a somewhat disjointed film, kind of what you'd expect when you try to mix Kubrick and Spielberg, but it's a dazzling and emotional odyssey (not a space one!) which I've got a lot to say about.  A robot boy who wants to be "real" and be loved goes on a lonely adventure, with plenty of mushy drama courtesy of Spielberg.  Hey, if Kubrick made it the kid would probably just talk to his finger and write "Redrum" on the wall.  Join me for a podcastic voyage!  It's better than going to the Flesh Fair!  Trust me, that's not as thrilling as it sounds.

Pop quiz: a giant asteroid is hurtling towards Earth and will spell certain doom when it hits!  Ignoring the fact that asteroids can't spell, name that movie!  Um, is this multiple choice?  Kind of...ya see, there were two movies out in 1998 about this imminent threat from some distant space quarry, but I'm going with the bigger, badder, dumber one: Armageddon!  Directed (can you call it that?) by Michael Bay!  Action and adrenaline aplenty here, along with a hit soundtrack album that I dare say is even better than Dirty Dancing!  But, never mind the music...who's gonna save the Earth?!?  Destroying this asteroid will take a lot more than just dropping some quarters at the old video arcade!  It takes Bruce Willis!  Yippee-ki-yay, Meteor Fragment!  (sorry...I had to)  Now, while there's still time...listen to this podcast!  It ROCKS!  

The third major theatrical Stephen King adaption by Frank Darabont (who did pretty well with Shawshank and Green Mile) doesn't take place in a prison, but it's still about a bunch of people who are trapped and any attempt to escape could be fatal!  A strange mist rolls into town, and lurking within it are all sorts of icky monsters!  Ordinary folks hiding in a supermarket can't deal with the horror (or each other) for very long and soon many of them are on their way to express check-out!  King's short story was really scary, despite its piss-poor ending.  Darabont fixes that here, and drops a whopper of a conclusion on us.  Any first-time viewers are in for a shock, so if you "mist" this movie, watch it now!  And by the way, it's not the same as The Fog.  That's harder to see through.  But awesome to watch!  

Contrary to legend, this movie is not about Metallica.  And the Metallica song is not about this movie, unless they stole the script, 'cuz the song came out first!  Now don't you believe all that horse pucky.  This here's a darn good western.  Take it from me, even if all I really know about westerns is they got Sam Elliott or Clint Eastwood in 'em.  Oh, and lotsa guns, horses and whores.  It must be a winning formula, as there are hundreds of movies in the genre.  I haven't got time for all that, so let's just pick a really famous one and talk about it with my sidekick Dave Chan.  It's one of his favorites, and quite appropriate because after all the junk I've dragged him into discussing on the podcast I'm the one who should be Unforgiven.  Saddle up, buckaroos!  Don't forget the moonshine.  You'll need it! 

James Cameron has spent so many years making movies underwater it's shocking that he hasn't grown gills by now.  This long-awaited sequel to his blockbuster Avatar (over a decade, so it better be good!) finally surfaced in 2022.  Can't really say it's better than the original, but it's definitely "wetter"!  We have those big blue digital cat people living in their psychedelic jungle for a while, and then they migrate to these nifty coastal villages and make friends with whales and stuff.  There's enough crazy creatures under the sea to give Jacques Cousteau a boner.  If he wasn't dead.  If you even know who the heck Jacques Cousteau was.  Doesn't matter.  But, you will definitely learn a whole lotta science stuff, marine biology and human evolution from my highly intelligent guest, David Franklin.  I'll make some jokes, he'll make some sense, and at some point we might even mention the Avatar movie.  Ready to take a deep dive?  

As a seasoned horror fan who grew up reading Stephen King books, I've always tried to watch every single film adaptation ever made from his stories.  Over the years the violence and gore quotient of the average horror movie increases relative to the tolerance of the viewer's stomach.  Before this turns into a math and biology lesson, I just mean to say it takes a lot to scare or shock us these days, right?  After all, once you run out of vampires, vengeful prom queens and rabid dogs, even the imagination of King gets stretched a little thin coming up with new frights to unleash upon us.  The terrors in the two stories I talk about here are a bit far-out, leaning more toward science fiction than horror, and it doesn't help that they were both made for television in the early  1990s, where visual effects were barely learning to crawl and the screen was still a square!  Now I'm getting into geometry, and that's not the topic here!  The Tommyknockers and the Langoliers, whatever the heck those are, were not Stephen King's finest hour.  They were, in fact,  8 hours of sitting in front of the idiot box (remember, television = commercial breaks every 15 minutes, get your calculators out...).  You'd have to be a fairly hardcore King fanatic to have sat through these two miniseries, so let me dilute them down for everyone else.  And, for those of you who don't like horror, don't worry.  The only reason you should be afraid to watch these movies is because they kinda suck.  

The original (and arguably, the best) "conclusion" to the Skywalker saga (lookin' at you, Episode IX!), 1983's near-perfect Star Wars episode VI (that's "6" to anyone unfamiliar with Roman numerals in this day and age) was a pretty satisfying wrap-up to the cliffhanger ending of The Empire Strikes Back.  After a 3 year wait, we finally got to see the fate of our heroes and were introduced to some new, dreaded characters to boo at (Jabba, The Emperor, Ewoks). While somewhat lacking in imagination (another Death Star?  Really?), and peddling in soft-core space porn (Slave Leia), Jedi ultimately delivered the goods and remains an essential part of our favorite space adventure franchise.  With or without "Yub Nub".  Join me, and I will complete your training.  This podcast is a blast.  Or maybe...it's a trap!

Imagine a world where nobody lives beyond age 30.  There'd be no me, for one thing, so that world already sucks!  However, if you've somehow managed to live longer than that, you just might remember seeing this 1976 visionary sci-fi classic starring Michael York.  What?  Never heard of him?  Shame on you!  Just because he didn't play Iron Man or Thor doesn't make him irrelevant.  He did play Austin Powers' boss, though.  This movie, while kind of dated and futuristic at the same time, was quite a blast and lucky to have come out a year before Star Wars.  Now hurry up and see it.  Run, Runner!

So, here's the Thing.  Again!  Why?  Well, not only is it still my all-time favorite scary movie, it's also a favorite of my frequent guest Quan Ngo (who just might be my all-time favorite scary dude!)  I barely skimmed over this 1982 John Carpenter classic in one of my early episodes, along with its really-not-bad 2011 prequel, so here we take a deep dive into both movies, explore some interesting theories, crack a bunch of jokes, and who knows what else!  Now that we've broken the ice, time to dig up some fun while the fate of humanity hangs in the balance.  Listen carefully, 'cause this podcast is a monster! 

What? Another Alien episode already?  Couldn't it wait?  No.  Well, I couldn't.  Alien3 was not a commercial success, like its predecessors, and it was a major downer thanks to director David Fincher's bleak vision and proclivity for KILLING MAJOR CHARACTERS from the previous movie in his opening act!  Not unlike my proclivity for SPOILERS.  Ah, too late.  Well, if you saw the first two Alien flicks, this is still a ride worth taking.  Just don't expect a lot of aliens, or guns, or hair, and you'll love it.  So, if you want to hear all the fascinating behind-the-scenes revelations and have some laughs, crash land right here and I'll salvage what I can!

Definitely the best movie Arnold Schwarzenegger has ever done without playing a cyborg.  Just a regular guy, with a fake identity and a fake wife played by Sharon Stone.  In fact, it's hard to tell if any of it is real at all!  But who cares, Total Recall is a total blast!  Haven't seen it?  No problem!  Listen to this podcast and you'll have a fake memory that's even better than the real thing.  Or you'll be lobotomized.  See you at the party!  

If you believe there's such a thing as truth in advertising, this movie will put an end to any such delusions.  First of all, he's not from the future.  He's a caveman in a loincloth.  There's no time travel other than the time it takes for this crappy movie to be over.  AND...on the poster we see our hero Yor shouting up at these bright, shiny UFOs in the sky, like he's at some outdoor E.L.O. concert produced by Steven Spielberg.  Do we actually see these spaceships in the movie?  Of course not.  I bet the poster had a bigger budget than the film itself.  Oh, and I didn't even mention the theme song...an affront to the art of music and yet pretty darn catchy...what's the deal with this flick?  And a better question: why do I watch it so often and own it on blu-ray?  Maybe there are answers to be found within this podcast.  Even if there aren't, it's pretty hilarious and I even suckered my buddy Professor Dave Chan into watching it and engaging in conversation about it, knowing full well he's got much better things to do.  What a sport!  One thing's for sure: YOR gonna laugh when you hear this!

Here's the blockbuster movie that made James Cameron "King of the World!", even if these days the only world he seems to bother with is Pandora.  Winning 11 Oscars just does that to ya, I guess.  Admittedly, this is a pretty great film, although its biggest flaw is that everyone already knows the ending.  Boat sinks, Celine sings, it's terror across the board.  And speaking of boards, there was probably enough room on that slab of wood for Jack if only Rose would've scooted her butt over a little.  Ah, but the sweeping romance and spectacle can't be denied.  This is one of Cameron's finest works, even if there's not a Terminator or Alien Queen in sight.  At least there's Bill Paxton and some other fun folks in the cast.  I'm really excited to have a special guest to chat/debate with: Lisa Blake-Mitchell is on board for this voyage, so everyone grab your headphones and life jackets 'cause this Titanic podcast is about to set sail!  The dining room is proudly serving iceberg lettuce!  

Things get pretty hairy for David Naughton in this howlingly awesome 1981 werewolf movie.  Plenty of gore and dark humour (see how I spelt that so Englishly?) make this a true classic about a lycanthrope just tryin' to cope!  Now, come along and have a pint at The Slaughtered Lamb with me and this rather dodgy bloke Evan Lam ('es a good lad, actually) as we gnash our teeth and tear into this excellent horror/comedy.  It also happens to have no less than TWO Star Wars connections!  Just don't forget what happens when the moon is full.  What I wanna know is...what happens when the moon is empty???

For once, I'll present a movie that's actually got style and substance: a 1998 masterpiece of visionary science fiction called Dark City.  It was only the second feature by director Alex Proyas, and it's so good Roger Ebert hoisted his fussy thumb way up for it.  Considering that this legendary film critic basically crapped all over nearly every other movie I've featured on Missing Real, we must have ourselves a pretty respectable flick here!  Haven't seen it?  Well, maybe you have and your memories were just replaced by an injection while you were unconscious!  But this is truly an unforgettable movie that always feels fresh and intriguing with each repeat viewing.  There's so much going on, visually stunning and imaginative spirals of storyline in a Burton's Batman meets Matrix metropolis...aw, just trust Ebert's thumb!  If you don't agree this movie is incredible, there are other fingers we could offer up...  

The epic horror movie that hits you like a ton of Kubricks!  Jack Nicholson at his Jackiest!  Dizzying camerawork that can make you tricycle-sick.  Blood-gushing elevators that'll have you running for the stairs.  Twins (and not the kind you wanna get with.)  So many eerie experiences, and a legacy that endures over 40 years later.  I've seen this film enough times to have plenty of material for this funny, illuminating and hair-raising podcast.  Hopefully I didn't Overlook anything...  

Probably the most "serious" film I'm likely to cover in this podcast, Shawshank is a masterpiece of sorts.  And a real pain in the butt to make fun of.  Though not quite as severe a pain in the butt as getting a visit from "The Sisters"...aw, there I go!  Shame on me.  But trust me, I'm reformed.  I'm ready to re-enter society.  Oh, and speaking of re-entry, keep those Sisters away!!!  Sorry.  Can't help myself.  Once again, I am joined in the studio (BRIC in Brooklyn, NY, to be exact) by my good buddy Dave Chan, who's a real big fan of this film.  So, let's lock down some laughs and hear some astute observations.  Or, should they be "obtuse"?  Everything's on the table this time, expect the unexpected.  There may even be a surprise appearance by...Batman? 

In December of 2019, just before that damn coronavirus shut down the cinemas, the final episode of the 9-movie Star Wars "Skywalker Saga" was finally up on the big screen.  We've been following this franchise for 42 years, eager to see how it all wraps up.  Many chopped off hands and limbs later, most of the characters we grew up with came back in episodes 7 and 8 only to be killed off (bye, Han...your son sucks.  Luke, what on Hoth were you thinking???) and by the time we get to this last hurrah, Leia's still in the game but the actress playing her, Carrie Fisher, has sadly passed away.  So that just leaves us shifty old scoundrel Lando Calrissian, who shows up just a little bit too late to the party but still stands stylishly attired against the evil Empire/First Order/Bad Guys.  Oh, yeah...and guess who's the main villain?  No, not Kylo Stimpy.  It's the Emperor!  Or a really bad wax dummy of him.  Oh boy, I have a bad feeling about this.  After the debacle of The Last Jedi, we had to bring J.J. Abrams back to the director's chair to salvage this mess.  Hopefully, all is not Lost.   

In Star Wars canon, this is widely considered the best of them all (Episode IX hasn't hit the screens as of this posting, but fat chance!)  This is the sequel that pushed the boundaries and put our beloved heroes through the wringer.  And carbonite.  Empire rules, and it's almost blasphemous to make fun of it.  Well, not as blasphemous as Greedo shooting first, but anyway this commentary is done with respect, love, anger, fear, aggression, all that good stuff.  Get ready to jump into comedy hyperspace!  Unless Chewie screwed up again.

What can I tell you about Screamers?  Well, obviously it's not a silent movie.  There is screaming in it, yeah, but it's a pretty intriguing sci-fi futuristic apocalyptic and sick flick.  The storyline comes from some pretty respectable genre writers, and we've got Peter Weller in a movie that's not Robocop but still quite awesome.  People getting killed by rampaging robots, robots getting blown away by people, and people that aren't people but robots!  See what I mean about the writing?  It's a bleak, paranoid tale of a cold-war future on another planet, and even though it was sort of a box office flop it's become one of my favorites...a movie I've owned on VHS, laserdisc, DVD and Blu-ray.  I probably bought a ticket to see it in the theater back in 1995 as well, so it looks like this movie made quite a bit of money just from me alone!  Sadly, not quite enough to break even.  Sorry, guys!  But thanks for making it!  Hopefully people who listen to this episode will immediately want to buy a copy of Screamers for their home video collection.  That's my sole purpose for recording it!  Enjoy!   

Just in time for Halloween, a very special episode dedicated to the King of Horror...no, wait, that might mislead you all into thinking I mean Stephen King.  Alright, then: the CARPENTER of Horror!  From humble beginnings in silly science fiction through some of the most memorable creepy cult classics to some late-career anomalies and whatever this limbo of current semi-retirement leads up to, we'll take a humorous look at all the great movies this guy has given us.  Unforgettable characters, synth-y soundtracks, blood and mayhem abound in the films of the great John Carpenter.  They sure don't build 'em like they used to!

Vampires have been around for a long time, kinda like this old TV miniseries/movie based on one of Stephen King's earliest novels.  In 1979, it was one of the scariest things you could see on your television other than that white noise "snow" on the screen where you'd have to get up out of your comfy chair and grab those "rabbit ears" antennas and move 'em around in dozens of configurations and angles until you could see a clear picture again.  Ahh, memories...and if you understood any of that you are quite old yourself, but not as old as a vampire so please don't get offended!  Now... as for this podcast, it covers not only Tobe Hooper's eerie original film, but also the 2004 remake which really wasn't very scary at all.  I was just scared it was gonna suck.  Now hurry up and listen to this chilling and funny episode, 'cause daylight's wastin'!Face the master!  Is your faith...enough?  

You won't catch this fight on Pay-Per-View: The "man of your dreams" takes on the unstoppable goalie who wants to puck you up!  These are two of horror cinema's most famous killers, and over countless movies of their own, they've killed just about everyone except each other!  Hence, "Freddy vs. Jason" hit the screens in 2003 and murderous mayhem ensued.  This bloody battle might be short on sense, but it's a scream nonetheless.  It's almost too much for me to process, so I've called in some reinforcements: Quan Ngo.  He knows this movie a little better than I, and helps me slash through the stupidity.  If you can stay awake, you might survive this podcast and even hear a few jokes of slightly higher quality than the ridiculous one-liners Freddy Krueger is so fond of spurting out.  He might kill, but he's a lousy stand-up comedian.  

If you dig deep beneath all the Rockys, Rambos, Expendables and Cobras (I know, there was just one of those...so sad...), you might unearth this lost gem of a movie from 1981 wherein Sylvester Stallone teams up with Billy Dee Williams to blow away an international terrorist played by Rutger Hauer.  I discovered this movie "back in the day" as they say, on the TV.  That means all the violence and cussin' were edited out or skillfully dubbed, and it was still an instant favorite.   The official theatrical cut isn't cut except for a lot of other stuff that got cut and the nasty cut Billy Dee takes in the face.   You must be baffled by now, but it'll all make sense when you hear this podcast.  There's some good music in there, too (none performed by a Stallone, whew!)  This is a cool, throwback buddy-cop movie worth celebrating.  What a team those guys are...GO, Rambo Calrissian!