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The Time Riders: Part 14 Visiting old friends, and Nanu discovers hot sauce. Based on a post by BiscuitHammer, in 16 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels. A certain bedroom. If she'd been worried about feeling alone, she wasn't noticing at the moment. There were so many fascinating things around here, all requiring her examination. There was an entire world to explore, after all, and it was apparently much bigger than the one she'd left behind. It was hard to conceive of, really; a world larger than Rome, than the empire, but according to her Mistress, Re-be-kah, she was not going to run out of things to be stunned by. So far, Mistress had been right. Nanu was kneeling on the bed, minutely examining the fabric that made up the soft sheets they'd been sleeping on. She tugged at the material, noticing how it was so tough that she needn't worry about tearing it. She tugged and tugged, giggling with delight when she couldn't wreck it. How clever the people of tomorrow were! She clambered off the bed and walked over to the window. She had only briefly put on any clothes, and that was to see her Mistress to the door as she left for work. Becky had made sure Nanu understood how the front door lock worked before she left. Nanu was only wearing the burning cock-sack garment, the one with the symbol of the musical group Let Zeppli on it, but the second Mistress was gone, she'd shucked it off and scampered around naked, laughing in delight. She'd been so tempted to stand in the window wearing no clothes and shake her nude body at the world, because she promised Mistress she would stay out of trouble, because she didn't want the vigiles coming for her since she'd only just gotten here. Mistress' 'free country' wasn't as free as it sounded, at least in her opinion. The tiny Egyptian girl walked up to the window of the bedroom and leaned on the frame, sighing dreamily as she rested her chin on her arms and gazed out at the world beyond the glass. Trees were starting to be green, and the grass of Mistress' lawn was visible, along with plants that would apparently become lovely flowers. High up in the blue sky, a strange bird flew. It barely moved, just gliding along, and seemed to have an almost cruciform shape. It left a weird trail of white cloud behind. What strange animals there were in the world of tomorrow. She left the window and went into the bathroom, plunking herself down on the commode and peeing, giggling at the sound produced by the material the bowl was made from. Once she was done, she headed downstairs, feeling a mite peckish. She went up to the fridge and opened the door, fascinated by the chill she felt as she leaned in to see what was available. Re-be-kah had left food for her to eat, all prepared and with her name on it, so that she knew what was safe. Seeing as how the ba-lo had made her almost shit herself to death the day before. The parfait was sitting in a bowl, with yummy-looking red and black berries swirled into it, along with a cereal that Mistress had called 'granola'. She took that and then retrieved a few slices of homemade bread from a little wooden container on the counter. Mistress had left some utensils and butter on the table, and even the peanut butter! Nanu loved the peanut butter; she couldn't wait to have it licked off her cunt! Sated some minutes later, Nanu wandered around, examining little things about the house that she hadn't noticed yet. She was careful to not mess with any switches, because she didn't know what all of them did. Apparently they weren't all just for the lights. She jumped up and down on the sturdy long chair, which was apparently called a 'chesterfield', rolled around on the comfy rug, and diddled herself in front of a mirror, cumming loudly and shamelessly. She loved looking at herself while she masturbated, she was so beautiful! Nanu flopped back on the rug, breathing heavily after a lovely climax. Her whole body tingled, and wonderful images of herself and her Mistress fucking floated through her mind. The house was warm, in a way she'd never felt before. Living in the slave quarters, and wearing what amounted to little more than a poorly made sack for clothing, she had often been cold, and rarely warm enough to suit her. This was; wonderful. This new world confused and frightened her, but she also knew she would acclimate, and then she would be warm, well-fed, and she could fuck to her heart's content. She was going to love her new life, she was sure. She hoped Re-be-kah was having as wonderful a day as she was. The Education of Nanu, as 'The Gods Will It'. Mooredale Secondary. Becky sat behind her desk, trying to conceal the way her eyes were spiraling with exasperation and boredom. While not every student in her Physics class was a dunce, only a few of them truly cared and paid attention. Most were just doing what was required to pass. Even if they got great grades, they weren't interested in retaining the material. And then there was one young dunce in particular. She tried not to scowl at Mark, who was zoning out at his desk, looking out the window. She could see even from here that his notes were inadequate. He couldn't claim to be memorizing the material; he had the memory of a goldfish crossed with a sieve. How had he made it into this prestigious high school to begin with? She was ultimately happy he had, of course, since that meant three months from now (from his point of view), he would be taking her on adventures with the Holmes Field Device. But this twerp sitting in front of her wasn't that time traveler yet, was he? He was just some lazy kid who was going to fail her course. Then he'd come back in time to fuck her, and convince her to not fail him. She'd agree, as long as he showed her the time machine and took her on adventures. Looking at him now, she couldn't believe she'd made the agreement. But she had, and now she was stuck passing him. She couldn't get out of it if she tried. She'd solidified her personal future. Fating, as people in the time travel community called it. Once you knew for certain that something factually was going to happen to you down the road, there was nothing you could do to change it, no matter how hard you tried. You might even hurt yourself doing it. Time lock. It was a thing. So if you enjoyed feeling like you were in control of your destiny, then you did your best not to find out what was to happen to you in the future. Loose talk stops clocks, and all that. She looked at Mark again, still trying not to frown. It was so strange to think that this boy, who was weeks away from being eighteen, was the same knucklehead who would be her time-travelling companion. She'd be having sex with him, and they'd be sharing girls in the time stream, including Nanu, who was waiting for her back at home. The Mark in front of her was seventeen, almost eighteen. Time travel made the rules seem so arbitrary, and even dumb sometimes. She couldn't have sex with him right now. She couldn't sext him under her desk right now. It was illegal. Yet somehow, magically, in a few weeks, on a particular day, Mark's upcoming birthday would make him an adult, even though functionally nothing was different about his biology. This Mark didn't know that they were lovers. That they would be lovers, in any event. Like all the other dumb boys in the school, he talked about her being hot, and what he'd do to her, childish boasting and hormonal nonsense. They talked about how she tended to dress rather conservatively, but clearly she had a rocking' bod underneath her clothes. They'd seen her in the school gym a few times. Becky didn't know why she dressed so conservatively, now that she thought of it. There were certainly less attractive teachers on staff who dressed more sexily than she did. Connie Marangos, the English Lit teacher, was shaped like a pear and had a face like a foot, but she somehow managed to dress sexy. What was Becky's excuse? She didn't want to give the horny students any more masturbation material than they already got. Horny teenage boys were annoying. Even Mark was annoying. Would he get better by the time she caught up with him in the future, three months from now? She could hope, but she doubted it. He hadn't exactly proven so thus far on their adventures. Another quiet sigh escaped her as she glanced for a moment in his general direction. She wanted to pin that boy down right now and fuck him, hard. She couldn't, but she wanted to. It bothered her that she was starting to feel a tingle in her needy cunt, and there was nothing she could do about it. She'd have to wait to get home and take out her horny frustrations on Nanu. Not that the Egyptian girl would mind, of course. She thought back about what she and Mark had experienced so far in the time stream. They'd gone to seventeenth century France, gotten in several brawls, and Mark had been fatally shot, only surviving because he wasn't meant to die yet. She'd been kidnapped by Cardinal Richelieu and made a lady-in-waiting to Anne of Austria, and she'd met her own ancestor, the gorgeous, brilliant, and deadly noblewoman Alexandra D'Assaut, who had helped Mark rescue her from the Louvre, and out from right under the nose of the Sun King. Becky might have shot Porthos And might also have kicked Richelieu in the nuts. That sounded so weird, but it had happened. She was there. That, or she was on the world's longest and most intense acid trip. They went to Rome, to participate in a genuine orgy, and they'd met and bought the beautiful slave girl Nanu. The intent had been to set her free, and Becky had even paid gold for her; but Mark screwed everything up by getting arrested for fucking a Vestal Virgin, one of Rome's most sacred priestesses. One thing led to another, and they'd had to rescue him from being skewered by gladiators in the Colosseum, mostly by dropping the roof on the emperor. Mark, or 'Bonosus' as he was known in ancient Rome now, was probably the most notorious criminal in the empire not named Spartacus. It didn't surprise Becky that even in the time stream, everyone wanted to kill Mark. He had that effect on people. They'd finally brought Nanu forward in time with them, since she was hopelessly devoted to them, and leaving her on her own in Rome was dangerous for her, even if she had proof of her manumission. It had been an eventful few days since their arrival back home, with Nanu getting a crash course in the fact that everything wanted to kill her. At least to hear Nanu talk about it. Even common household items were absurdly dangerous for her, and noises that modern people just took for granted drove the younger girl nuts. Food was a big gamble with Nanu. Modern preservatives and nitrates wreaked havoc on her digestive tract, something she couldn't possibly have built any immunity to. To Becky's surprise, Nanu wasn't lactose-intolerant, because as a slave, she'd been given cow's milk, something peasants and slaves subsisted on and normal people were too good for. It was strange to Becky that bovine milk and beef had been considered low-class food back then. They'd probably change their minds if they'd ever had a filet mignon or a good porterhouse. Dumb ancient people. At least Nanu ate everything she possibly could. A yawn from Mark's direction brought her out of her reverie, and she restrained another scowl in his direction. It was nowhere near the first time he'd annoyed her with his lack of interest, but she was getting more irritated with it of late, because she knew what was coming. She had to put up with this. She had to fail him. Because his future self would come back in time and convince her to change his grade. She couldn't just give him a passing grade now to speed things up if she tried. Something would make her fail him. Which he so richly deserved. Why the universe gave this kid a time machine was beyond her. A retarded chimp would have deserved it more, and probably been less of a menace. She couldn't fuck him, not yet. But that didn't mean she couldn't fuck with him, right? "Mr. Simmons," she called in his direction, raising her eyebrow and getting everyone's attention, including his. She called him 'Mark' so regularly now that saying 'Mr. Simmons' seemed strange. "Since you are clearly well ahead of the curriculum, what with having time to yawn and stare out the window, I thought maybe you could explain the differences in the scalar and vector measurements to the class?" "I, uh;” he fumbled, looking worried now. "I;” "Well, go on," she said, gesturing with her hand. "We spent the entire second half of last week on the model, after all. The copious notes you took are still fresh, yes?" "I; that is; uh;” he said, going pale. "Dumbass," laughed one of the other boys from nearby. Several other students laughed, and Mark got pelted with crumpled-up balls of paper for looking like a dolt. Becky didn't bother feeling bad for him, since this had to happen in order for things to work out in the future. That, and the brat deserved it. A girl near the front, one Gina Felton, put her hand up, looking smug. She seemed to have the answers, generally. Becky restrained a sigh as she allowed the brown-haired girl to answer. Gina dutifully recited off the material they'd been given, even offering some explanation along the way to demonstrate that she understood what she'd been taught, not just parroting the lesson. She wasn't as smart as she thought she was, and she'd never be a physicist, but she came from a wealthy WASP family type that was so common in this neighborhood, and she was a kiss-ass to the faculty. Becky would give Gina her passing grade and get rid of her. If only were so easy with Mark. "That's, uh; that was I was gonna say," Mark added once Gina had finished her singsong response. More laughter and mockery was hurled his way. "Okay, enough, people," Becky announced, standing up to get their attention and put an end to the paper projectiles. "Miss Felton, well done. Mr. Simmons, you can stay after class and clean up the room, along with my chalkboards." Becky liked using chalk boards, because one of her two favorite professors in her university years had insisted on using them. It had seemed like magic to her when he'd used them, all these wondrous equations laid out for her, explained thoroughly, and then they were gone, replaced by more fascinating numbers, a guided tour into how the universe worked. Only he could- "Ma'am?" a voice called. "Miss Fischer?" Becky blinked, coming out of yet another reverie. She was beginning to think that maybe she shouldn't be giving Mark shit for doing it, since she kept zoning out during class, thinking about the profs. She and Nanu had a playdate with them later this week at Blackwell Manor, so she'd just have to keep it in her pants until then. "Sorry, I was remembering a lesson," she said, recovering and sitting down again, just in case she leaked through her slacks. Thankfully, they were moments away from the period ending, and she'd be free of these yahoos for another day. "Tomorrow, we'll stick our toes into the concept of Fleming's Left-Hand Rule and its application in electromagnetism. Whether you're working on the Large Hadron Collider, or your grandfather's ancient lawnmower in the future, this is a good thing to understand. Go ahead and get ready, just wait for the bell. Mr. Simmons, the chalkboard awaits your attentions." Yet more razzing at Mark's expense, while Gina just sat at her desk looking smug. As annoying as Mark was, Becky simply did not like Gina Felton. She was eighteen now, and Becky had good reason to suspect that the skinny little broad was carrying on with the History professor, Mr. Browning. The less she knew, the better. Kind of like about her own future. Ah well, she thought as she watched Mark dully begin wiping off the chalkboards and then pounding out the erasers. Not much longer to put up with this, and then the real fun begins. Just show some patience, girl. She somehow refrained from subtly taking a picture of Mark's ass with her phone. "Mistress, you're back!" Nanu chirped as she skipped up to the door, quite naked. "I didn't break anything!" "The fact that you led with that statement makes me suspicious," Becky sighed as she closed the door behind her. She then hung up her blazer on a peg and allowed the Egyptian girl to take her hand and pull her into the house. "Did you eat?" "Yes, Mistress, everything you left for me," Nanu announced proudly. "Nothing left. Did I do well?" "You ate everything I left you for you?" Becky asked, raising an eyebrow. Nanu dragged her into the dining room and gestured grandly at the table. The top was covered in plates, bowls, and containers, along with utensils. Even the peanut butter jar, which had been mostly full this morning, was seemingly licked clean. "Holy shit," Becky mumbled in English, gazing at the table. "You ate absolutely everything." "Did I do right, Mistress?" Nanu asked. What did Becky tell her? That Nanu had eaten the food she'd prepped and was meant to last for a few days? She hadn't exactly been that explicit, because she hadn't thought to tell Nanu that. She'd overlooked how voracious Nanu could be. A lifetime of slavery saw to it that Nanu ate every meal as if it might be her last. Well, that was on Becky. She'd just start again and be more concise next time about her expectations. "I'm proud of you for looking after yourself," she said finally, making the tiny girl beam with delight. "Did you have problems with anything I showed you?" "I played with the water makers a little bit, and practiced washing my hands," Nanu said, waiting impatiently while Becky started removing her work clothes. "Your soap is very different from what my masters used. It smells nice, not like piss." "Maybe because we don't use urine in our soap these days," the blonde observed as she tossed aside her skirt and then began undoing her bra. Nanu, predictably, just watched intently, almost salivating at the thought of her Mistress' tits. "So now you know how to keep yourself clean. Tonight, I'll let you try to work the shower, that way you can use it if I'm not home and you need to wash up." Nanu nodded. "It was awkward trying to get the peanut butter off my cunt. I am very flexible, but even I couldn't reach it all with my tongue. I used a cloth finally. But I tried, Mistress, I really did." "Nobody made you smear the peanut butter on yourself, silly," Becky laughed as she shucked her bra, revealing her lovely tits to Nanu. Then she bent over and peeled off her underwear. "But I'm glad you fed yourself and know how to get clean, my love. It sounds like you had a good day." "There were so many things to do, Mistress," Nanu breathed, enjoying the sight of Becky's hairless cunt. She'd never seen a more perfect cunt. "I was amazed by how strong your sheets are. And I glided up and down the hallway in my socks, and I listened to music and danced;” "I'm so pleased that you worked out the controller for the stereo," Becky cooed, caressing Nanu's cheek. The smaller girl closed her eyes, enjoying the touch before turning her head a little to kiss her Mistress' palm. "What music did you listen to?" "But I am proud to be your lover, and that you're my Mistress," Nanu protested. "And I am proud of you, Nanu," Becky assured her, giving her hands a gentle squeeze. "But just trust me on this, okay? Hearing people called 'Mistress' will be very weird to some of them. I want tonight to be fun, not awkward." Nanu sighed somewhat despondently and nodded. "So I must call you Re-be-kah tonight?" The blonde pondered the matter. "Can you say 'Becky'?" Nanu pursed her lips. "Beh-kee." "That's what all my friends call me," Becky said, pulling Nanu into a hug. It was weird to have their jackets in the way and not be able to feel their tits squashing together. "Except for M-ark," Nanu pointed out, enjoying the hug, even if she couldn't feel her mistress' tits. "He called you 'Beks'." "Well, Mark's an idiot, and he's lucky he's the one with the time machine, or I would flunk him into eternity," Becky muttered, preferring to not think about the bane of her academic existence. "Asshat." "Ass-hat;” Nanu repeated. "Mark is an ass-hat?" She's like a toddler, Becky thought, making a note to watch her language. She retains all the naughty words she shouldn't know. "Let's go, Noah Webster," Becky sighed, standing up again. "Your chariot awaits;” The Gardiner Expressway, heading south. Nanu was indeed turned sideways in her seat, despite the seatbelt, her face plastered to the window as she gaped in awe at the scenery that sped by. Aside from the endless metal monsters that were running with them or in the opposite direction, there were also tall buildings and houses, bright lights on tall posts, and even giant bridges that they went under and didn't fall on their heads! Nanu was too astonished to remember to be frightened of everything. Becky smiled as she drove, pleased that Nanu was distracted and not cowering in fear. Not that she would blame her. It had taken some convincing to get her into the car at all, but once she discovered how comfy the seats were, she warmed up to the idea quickly enough. Becky buckled her into her seat and even let Nanu honk the horn once before they pulled out. Nanu yelped in shock at the loud sound, but then clapped in delight, realizing that she could (if allowed) control the beast's roar. She took it slow at first, driving at a virtual crawl through her neighborhood, letting Nanu get a feel for the movement of the car. She was going places, but her legs weren't doing any of the work. It was like being in a palanquin or a chariot, only completely enclosed. The roar of something called an 'engine' surrounded her, replacing the clatter of iron-bound wooden wheels and horse hooves. It was almost twilight, and the lights on the tall posts glared brightly, making Nanu shield her eyes occasionally. She could see people in their own metal beasts, men and women, often with children riding along in the seats behind. She smiled brightly and waved back at one little girl who had seen her and waved to her. "We are going so fast," she breathed, almost wrenching her neck as she tried to watch cars whip by in the opposite direction. "Nobody in the world has ever gone as fast as this, I'll bet." Becky thought about that, realizing Nanu was probably right. She was going just over seventy kilometers per hour at the moment, but that was faster than anything had ever gone until locomotive engines came on the scene, once again in the mid-nineteenth century. It may have seemed slow to her, but it was light speed to Nanu. "Oh, we can go a lot faster than this, Nanu," she said casually, enjoying her lover's innocent wonder at everything. "Go faster!" Nanu urged in excitement. "Go faster than all the other metal beasts! Shame them!" "; except for maybe that one;” she added in a faltering tone as a red Ferrari whipped by, the roaring noise of its engine filling the interior of Becky's car. "How do you make the beast go faster, Mistress? I do not see reins or a whip." "It's not alive, remember? It's just a machine, a bunch of parts put together to make a mechanism," Becky answered, knowing most of this would go over Nanu's head. "I control its speed with the pedals at my feet, and which way it goes with this wheel in my hand." "Can we go faster and leave all these other beasts behind?" Becky smiled. "Not right now, my love. There are laws about how fast you're allowed to go when there are lots of other cars around. It prevents accidents." "But what could hurt us?" Nanu asked. "The beast is metal, we are surrounded by all this metal. We are invincible." "If we hit or got hit by another car, the metal won't protect us entirely," Becky pointed out, thinking that maybe she'd show Nanu some car crash safety videos, put the fear of the car gods into her. And if we hit a person, we'd pretty much kill them at this speed." Nanu thought about that. "But we'd be okay, right?" Becky sighed and resisted the urge to turn the car around. The Malted Cat, thirty minutes later. "Hi, everyone, sorry we're late," Becky called out, waving as she headed to the table where everyone was already gathered. "You know this time of night on the Gardiner, traffic was a bitch." "Bitch;” Nanu parroted, but was too far away still for anyone to hear her aside from Becky. Nanu was looking around at the establishment, which didn't remind her of any tabernus she'd ever seen before. This was loud and chaotic, with people everywhere and what might have been music blaring. People were wearing so many different outfits, some of which were almost nonexistent to Nanu. They walked up to the table, where five other people, three women, and two men, were already sitting. A few of them had the same straw-colored hair as her mistress. Two of the women were skinny, one was rather fat. One of the men was skinny and balding. She doubted he got fucked very often. Becky stopped at the table, with Nanu beside her. "Everyone, this is Nanu, she's staying with me." "Hi," Nanu said, holding up a hand and remembering the greeting word that people used in En-gush. "Hi." "Hello," they all said back pleasantly, smiling at her. She liked the fact that they greeted her and hadn't noticed she was a slave. Or at least, had been. Sometimes she worried it clung to her like a stench she would never be rid of. At least they'd brought her manumission documents with them from Rome to this world of tomorrow, just in case she had to prove it. "Nanu, let me introduce my friends and co-workers," Becky said in Latin, before pointing to people. "This is Kay, that's Shirley, this is Annie, that's Steve, and this is Ed." "What were you speaking to her just now?" Ed asked, seeming curious. He was the balding one. "Latin," Becky replied as room was made for them at the table, with Steve pulling up two more chairs. "She doesn't speak English, and I don't speak her native language, so we communicate in Latin." Becky's friends all looked at one another quizzically, but then realized that none of them spoke Latin. Becky would be interpreting all night. Frankly, that was just fine with Becky, since it allowed her to control things where Nanu was concerned. "Nanu-nanu!" Steve said to the new guest, holding his hand out sideways, fingers splayed apart in twos. Nanu seemed confused before she spread her own fingers tentatively and then slid them into Steve's, who grinned and began shaking up and down gently. "Good to meet you!" "Steve, I'm not drunk enough for Mork and Mindy jokes yet," Becky sighed, settling Nanu in a chair while the smaller girl looked at her hand curiously, still held open the way he'd shown her. What was that supposed to mean? Was it one of the standard greetings of this age? Then she started noticing small details, both of her new associates, and around the place. Her eyes widened when she saw a tattoo on the arm of the fat woman, Shir-lee. Then she noticed one on Steve. She looked around and saw that many people around this club had tattoos. She looked at Becky with concern. "So many people," she said quietly, hoping only Becky heard her. "They have stigma (tattoos). Some of your friends have them! Are we surrounded by criminals?" Becky thought about that for a moment and then shook her head. "No, Nanu. In my world, tattoos are just art. There have been times in the past where criminals or people considered undesirable have been branded, but this isn't a thing anymore. People wear tattoos because they mean something to them, or they're just art." Nanu sighed in relief. "I somehow avoided getting a tattoo or branded as a Flavian slave, I was lucky. Most of the other slaves had them, I found it humiliating." "Is she okay, Becks?" Annie asked curiously. "She looks a little spooked." Becky smiled and nodded. "The tattoos all around her freaked her out. Where she comes from, tattoos are brands on slaves or criminals and law-abiding citizens don't get them." "Well, I like to think I'm a bad girl," Shirley said in a sassy tone and wearing a wicked smile. "And I've got another tattoo in another place that'd prove it, for sure." This drew laughter from her friends, and she rolled onto one cheek subtly and patted the other one. Annie popped Shirley on the ass, making her squeak and more there was laughter around the table. "So, Nanu," Kay began, smiling across the table at her. Becky was on one side of Nanu, and Ed was on the other. Nanu almost needed a booster chair to sit at the table. Thankfully, the bouncer at the door had accepted her identification, even if he seemed skeptical at first. No doubt having Becky there helped. "Do you want a beer, honey?" Nanu knew she was being asked a question and looked at Becky, who translated. "Cervisia. Do you want one?" Nanu wrinkled her nose in distaste. "That is a barbarian's drink! I am civilized." "You thought cow's meat was barbaric until the other day too," Becky pointed out. "Now I can't keep you out of it. Your ancestors made beer before they discovered wine, you know. At least try it, it's polite. Do you remember what I told you about how to respond if someone offers you something?" Nanu looked at Kay and spoke slowly. "Please an-du fank you." Kay looked delighted and ordered beers for Nanu and Becky. The Egyptian girl settled in and just listened quietly while the conversation picked up around her. Becky had told her that she was free to simply listen, or look around the bar. If someone addressed Nanu, Becky would tell her. Nanu was more than happy to just sit quietly and observe. Beer arrived, with a tall pint glass for Becky, and a half-pint for Nanu. She frowned at her smaller glass. "Why did I get the child drink?" Becky almost laughed while Nanu seemed to glare at the golden liquid and the tiny bubbles. "First of all, children aren't allowed to drink beer because of the alcohol. Second, I got you a smaller glass in case you don't like it. Less goes to waste." Nanu glanced at Becky now. "So if I don't like it, I don't just smash the glass on the floor and demand a different drink I like?" Becky blinked. "No, darling. We are very respectful to our servers at all times." "But they are nobody." "Nanu, just; trust me on this, okay?" Becky almost pleaded. "Always be polite, always. When it time to not be polite, I'll let you know, I promise." "Fine," Nanu sighed, picking up the glass with both hands and tilting it so that she could take a sip while everyone watched. Her eyes widened and she put the glass back down on the table, her cheeks bulging as she looked at Becky in panic. "Swallow," Becky instructed. "It's fine." Hesitantly, the tiny girl swallowed and then gasped rather loudly and dramatically. "It is so cold, but it burns!" "You didn't mind when the pop was fizzing in your mouth," Becky said. "The pop was sweet. This is; why is this beer? It doesn't taste like beer at all!" "It's beer, I promise you, just that we make it differently than they did in your time." "Is she okay?" Steve asked, watching Nanu curiously. They all were, in fact. "She's never had beer like that before," Becky explained. "She only just tried pop for the first time the other day." "You said she's from Egypt?" Shirley queried. "Is she Muslim and she's not allowed to have alcohol?" "Trust me, she's not Muslim," Becky assured her co-worker while Nanu eyed her beer suspiciously. "She was a slave most of her life, and she has very limited experience with, well, just about anything. We're taking it slow, but I want her to see what her new life is all about and has to offer." "Would she like wine instead?" Kay asked. "No, let her figure this out," Becky replied, going back to her own beer. "I have yet to find anything she won't eat or drink, so give her a bit." Becky knew she'd have to get some food in Nanu before long, because Nanu's alcohol tolerance might be perilously low, especially on what was essentially an empty stomach. She'd let Nanu pick whatever sounded good, and just deal with the consequences later. There was only so easy she could make this for her. Her body needed to adapt to modern cuisine sooner or later, right? The conversation began again, mostly everyone venting about their stupid students and the idiotic things they said, did, or turned in. Every once in a while, someone asked Nanu something, and Becky translated, letting Nanu respond as best she could. But mostly, they simply adhered to Becky's rule of letting the new girl observe and listen. "I swear, this one girl is a complete moron," Annie groused. "Any of you have Angie Staples in any of your classes?" Nanu heard several of them moan and roll their eyes, almost slumping back in their chairs. They began griping about something or someone, repeating a word that sounded like a name. It reminded her of how her mistress complained about M-ark. "Hey, she's not a bigger dolt than Simmons," Becky pointed out. "That boy is hopeless in my class. If he made any less effort, he'd forget to breathe." "At least he's cute," Kay said, making Annie and Shirley laugh. "I'd totally fuck Mark if he was legal." At the mention of the name 'Mark' and the word 'fuck', Nanu perked up just slightly and then looked at Becky. And this was not lost on the other women. "Why did she just look at you when I mentioned fucking Simmons?" Kay asked, looked at Becky now. "I; no; Fischer, no;” "What?" Becky said rather defensively. "Rebecca Fischer, are you doing things with that boy?" Kay pressed, smiling slyly. Annie and Shirley's eyes lit up excitedly, whereas Ed and Steve remained silent, trying to not look put out. "Are you nuts?" Becky said rather more loudly than she should have. "He's my student!" "He's all of our students, and the only thing he's good at is Phys Ed," Annie laughed. "He's turning out to be a hunk, I saw him running track in the gymnasium with no shirt the other day. Kay's right, none of us would blame you if you were getting it in from him." "I assure you, I am not getting it in from that dough-head sitting in my classroom," Becky said firmly. It was technically true, if only because the Mark sitting in her classroom hadn't fucked her yet. "So why did Nanu look at you so suddenly?" Kay pressed, not willing to concede the point just yet. "She's heard me complaining about how abso-fucking-lutely useless he is in my class," Becky explained, which was also technically true. "He's failing harder than a SCUD missile. Makes me crazy." "I'd go crazy on him," Shirley quipped, smiling slyly behind her beer glass while Kay and Annie burst out laughing again. Becky sighed and shook her head, but at least she seemed to have deflected that particular line of inquiry. Despite Kay's contentions in private about her proclivities, most people believed Rebecca Fischer to be a prudish nun stuck in a porn star's body. Only this small crew ever saw her let her hair down, like tonight. Garlic bread, mozzarella sticks, and wings arrived at the table as an appetizer, and Becky encouraged Nanu to try everything. The teachers all watched in astonishment as she tried each of the items and then began devouring them in rapid succession. "Guess I'm buyin' this round of appetizers," Becky said, shaking her head as she watched her charge annihilate the food. "I'll buy the next round too, just to make sure everyone gets something." "Oh, I'm buyin' her a round as well, just to keep watching," Annie said in fascination while Nanu mowed through the appetizers like the Tasmanian Devil. "Do you ever feed her, Becks?" "I told you, she was literally a slave in her old life, and she eats everything in sight as a defensive measure," Becky sighed. "She's not being rude, I promise. I've literally watched her eat a pound of bologna and empty a full jar of peanut butter." "Ba-lo;” Nanu managed to mumble through a mouth full of biomass as she kept storming the appetizers. Everyone was enjoying watching, even if they had to wait for their own shares to arrive again. She also kept sipping at her beer, seeming to have dropped her objections to it. Becky realized she might actually need help from the time stream to keep this girl fed. Nanu had pretty much polished off all her food when the second round of appetizers arrived. She eyed Steve's basket of wings hungrily. He saw her staring and gestured to the steaming heap of saucy poultry. "Want to try one?" "Nanu, darling," Becky said, holding up a hand to interrupt. "You might find that' But Nanu had already stripped most of the meat off the tiny bones of one wing by the time Becky had begun to object. She was chewing away when she paused on her eyes went wide. "Steve, you jerk," Becky said, scowling at her co-worker while Nanu started trembling while still chewing, her face turning red and her eyes starting to water. "She doesn't know what suicide sauce is." Nanu had her forehead pressed against the table and was thumping her little fist against the surface, still resolutely chewing, even as she whimpered and moaned in pain. "Gotta admire her pluck, though," Kay mused, watching the tiny girl try not to writhe. "I didn't know she couldn't handle it," Steve protested. "Don't they have hot food where she comes from?" "See if I ever sub for you the next time you need a day off," grumbled the blonde, patting Nanu on the back gently while calling over a server. Fifteen minutes and a gallon of milk later. "I can't believe she ate all my wings," Steve murmured, watching Nanu polish off the last wing while staring directly at him defiantly. "A whole pound, I got like, one." "Serves you right," Becky grunted, making sure Nanu had lots of wet wipes and used them regularly in case she tried to rub her eyes. Milk wouldn't help then. "I can't believe she's still eating them," Annie said, watching with morbid fascination. "I mean, you can see they still hurt her, but she won't quit." "Now that she knows milk dulls the fire, she doesn't have to," Becky sighed, also watching while eating her own honey-garlic wings. Nanu had stolen half of those, too. The only reason Shirley and Kay's food was (mostly) safe was because Nanu was too short to reach across the table. "And she's mad at Steve, so she's making a point." She knew that she and Nanu could both regret this in a few hours, that Nanu might be up all night again in the bathroom, but apparently she was willing to risk that to get the message across; don't fuck with Nanu Tehemet. Nanu polished off the wings and then knocked back several glasses of milk Becky had lined up for her, followed by her beer. She put the last down and let out a thunderous belch that echoed around the area. Everyone's eyes widened at the noise, except for Becky, who just shook her head. People at other tables looked over, perplexed that someone so small could release such a giant noise. Annie cleared her throat. "Well, I; I hear that in some Middle Eastern cultures, burping is a sign that a person appreciates the food they were served." Nanu patted her chest with her little fist and sighed happily. "Nanu," Shirley said, getting her attention directly. She gestured to her shirt and then at Nanu's. "I like your shirt." Nanu realized what the fat woman was talking about and then beamed happily, thrusting her chest forward and thumbing at the logo. "Let Zeppli!" "Do you like them, honey?" Shirley asked. Becky translated and Nanu nodded eagerly. "Let Zeppli!" "I like them too," Shirley said, pleased to be connecting with the exotic foreign girl. "Shirley says she likes Led Zeppelin too," Becky explained, leaning in to be heard over all the noise. The karaoke had begun, and they were near the stage. "The fat one likes Zeppli?" Nanu asked, shocked. "Is she allowed?" "Nanu!" Becky gasped, bursting into snickers. "You can't just comment about people's weight like that!" "What's funny, Becks?" Annie asked, curious. Becky was still snickering as she tried to wave it off. "Pretty sure Nanu thinks only she's allowed to like Zeppelin. And maybe I'm allowed. Pop culture still eludes her." "Well, she's got the hot wings and big tits part down already, I'd say she's halfway there," Kay quipped, making everyone laugh. Shirley had excused herself from the table for a moment. More food was ordered, along with beer or cocktails, and the gripe session continued about what complete morons the kids of this day and age were becoming. And the ones that weren't morons were completely unlikable. "So how long is she stayin' with you?" Kay asked as she watched Nanu attack the jalapeno poppers. "For the foreseeable future, really," Becky answered. "Like I said, she was a slave back home, she has no life to return to, and it was borderline Stone Age subsistence. I can't just let her go, or turn her over to the system, she'll die. She knows nothing. I'm doing what I can to help her adapt and learn about her new world. One day, she'll be fine." "That's really noble of you, Rebecca," Ed stated, getting his share of an onion blossom before Nanu saw it and murdered it. "But it could be years. I'm not trying to make her sound like a pet dog, but this could be a long commitment on your part. How did you even meet her?" "Honestly?" Becky said, having a rehearsed answer already. She'd tried to anticipate as many questions as possible for tonight. "I met her in Rome. That's where I managed to get her out of her slavery life." "Wow, Becks, you have like a whole secret agent life goin' on," Annie said, sounding impressed. "When the heck did you even go to Rome?" "It seems like ages ago," Becky said rather evasively. "Frankly, things have been crazy of late and I almost can't keep track without a time machine." A round of laughter from her friends, and Becky heaved a sigh of relief. She didn't expect anyone to be making inquiries, but the fewer questions, the better. Nanu seemed oblivious, noshing away happily on more pub grub and seeming determined to try everything. She'd just plowed through the calamari Annie had bought for her. "Hey, everyone!" called a voice from the stage, sounding tinny over a microphone. Becky looked up and saw Shirley standing on stage, smiling at them all. "I'm dedicating this number to a new friend I met tonight, I hope she likes it! Nanu, this one's for you!" Nanu looked up at the mention of her name, right before the music began, blaring through the bar's speakers all around them. Her eyes flashed in excitement as she looked at Becky, grabbing her hands. "Zeppli! Zeppli!!!" she squeaked, bouncing up and down in her seat. "Yes, my love," Becky laughed. "Shirley is about to sing a Zeppelin song for you, and it's the one you know already." Nanu clapped and squealed some more, bouncing up and down in her seat as she watched the fat woman begin to sing. "Let me take you to the movie, Can I take you to the show, Let me be yours ever truly, Can I make your garden grow?" "Nanu, you should go up and dance," Becky suggested, bumping and gyrating in her seat. "I'm sure Shirley would love it." "Really, Mistress?" Nanu gasped, his features alight with eagerness. She'd forgotten to call her Mistress by her name, but nobody seemed to notice. "Just make sure you keep your clothes on, okay?" Becky warned, trying to sound serious, but winking at her lover. "Go have fun." Nanu was out of her seat like a shot and scrambling up onstage before she began to dance around, just like Becky had shown her. Everyone at the table hooted and cheered while Shirley laughed, still between stanzas. While Nanu bounced and wiggled around the stage, the teacher started singing again. The pneumatic effect Nanu's movement had on her body held everyone spellbound. Her jeans were snug enough to show off her amazing ass, and her Zeppelin shirt was stretched tight across her ample tits, which jiggled continuously. "From the Houses of the Holy, We can watch the white doves go, From the door comes Satan's daughter, And it only goes to show, that you know!" Becky laughed gaily as she watched, clapping along. She couldn't believe how well this was going! Nanu was having a blast, and even if she was going to be shitting herself all night because of the hot wings Steve had let her eat, it was a small price to pay to see the Egyptian girl absolutely radiant and doing what she did best, dancing. They'd have to do this more often, as long as she kept Nanu safe. Not that this bar was dangerous, of course. "There's an angel on my shoulder, In my hand a sword of gold, Let me wander in your garden, And the seeds of love I'll sow, you know!" Nanu spun and pranced around the stage, lost in the joy of her dancing. She never felt more alive than when she was dancing, even when she was fucking. Or at least very rarely, and pretty much never when she'd been a slave. This new world and new life were going to teach her so many wonderful new things! She stopped dancing for a moment, breathing heavily in excitement as she just watched Shirley sing, standing close enough to understand that she was singing into some little thing that looked like a black cock and made her voice echo all around the room. "So the world is spinning faster, Are you dizzy when you stall? Let the music be your master, Will you heed the master's ca" In her mounting excitement, Nanu had grabbed the microphone out of Shirley's hands and was now closing her eyes and singing into it with all her heart. "Ah; Wa-Oh-Gur-Oah! Or-Nyu-Wo-Ah!" The entire audience was just watching in confused and then stunned silence as Nanu wailed discordantly into the microphone, assaulting everyone's ears with the blistering noise she was making. Eventually, even the recording of the Zeppelin song was halted, and Nanu was screeching to a silent space. Realizing the music had ended, she opened her eyes and then paused, seeing everyone gaping at her. But then a group at one large table right next to the one she'd been sitting at burst into derisive laughter, jeering and mocking her, apparently imitating the sounds she'd been making, and also flailing their limbs about like they were having seizures. Their faces were screwed up, made to look like the cursed child jesters that the Roman elite kept at their courts and made fun of. They were making fun of her! "Hey, someone get the retard off the stage!" guffawed one man, still mocking her by slapping a limp hand and forearm against his chest and making the stupid face. His buddies howled with laughter as he imitated her sound again. Until he was spun in his chair and Becky's fist slammed across his jaw, snapping his head to the right and knocking him out cold. Everyone at the table went very still, not daring to move as Becky glared at them all, her blue eyes flashing menacingly. "Anyone else?" she challenged. The men all stayed silent, not daring to say a word of move a muscle. "That's what I thought," she growled, standing up now and looking down at them in contempt. "Fucking cowards." She looked over at the door and caught the attention of the bouncer on shift, an imposing guy named Jake. She tilted her head at the idiot she'd just coldcocked, and he nodded, knowing he was about to clear out that table and make them take their unconscious friend home. He'd seen Becky drop guys before, and it was always justified. If she hadn't dealt with them for mocking the screaming girl, he might have. Thankfully, it was seen to. "C'mon, honey," Becky said, walking up to the stage and removing the mic from Nanu's hands, while she just stared at her Mistress, seemingly frozen. "Shirley, take over, will you?" Shirley nodded and got another song going, beginning to sing again while Becky led Nanu back to her seat. Around the bar, things had returned to normal. Nanu still seemed silent and very out of sorts. Becky sat her down and took her hands, smiling at her. "I'm sorry, honey," she said softly, caressing the crestfallen girl's cheek. "What they did was wrong. He deserved to get punched, I promise you." Nanu looked up at her now, perplexed. "Am I; am I that awful to listen to, Mistress?" Becky apparently hesitated a split second too long, because Nanu seemed aghast at the lack of response. "I am terrible! Please, Mistress, tell me! How bad am I? Be honest." A deep breath as Becky composed her thoughts. "Truth, Nanu?" The Egyptian girl nodded nervously. "You; well, it; it sounded like a cat getting run over by a chariot with knives for wheels," Becky confessed, blushing while the other teachers looked on, having a fairly good idea what was happening, even if none of them spoke Latin. She smiled somewhat wanly. "Maybe; just stick to dancing, okay? You're so very good at that, after all;” Nanu slumped back in her chair, seemingly in disbelief, even failing to notice the table right next to them getting cleared out by the bouncer. She stared off into space for some seconds, not even noticing the other Zeppelin song that Shirley was now singing. "I'm terrible," she murmured to herself. "Cats getting murdered sounds better than me singing;” She then blinked and looked at Becky, seemingly her normal self. "Oh well. May I have more food and another beer now?" Becky laughed in relief and nodded. No trauma seemed to affect Nanu for too long. She always had food and fucking to retreat to. She ordered more hot wings, knowing Nanu felt she had even more to prove now. An hour later. "So you seemed like you had a good time, hmm?" Becky mentioned as she drove north on the Gardiner, taking them home. It was quite dark out, and she hoped against hope that Nanu wouldn't be up all night in the bathroom, or that she wanted to stay awake and fuck, because Becky had to work in the morning. "I did, Mistress," Nanu replied, nodding as she sat in her seat. She wasn't turned sideways with her face plastered to the window, watching the world race by. In fact, she was sitting rather placidly, her eyes somewhat unfocused. "And the food was all so good. And I think I'm drunk." Becky smiled. "We'll deal with that when we get home. I'm glad you enjoyed yourself. Should we do it again?" "Can we?" Nanu gasped in delight, seemingly excited. "Let's do it every night!" "Not every night," laughed the blonde. "I can't afford to go out to eat and drink every night. But if you're good, maybe we'll make a treat of it once a week. There are lots of other places to try as well." "As long as assholes don't make fun of me for singing," Nanu sniffed, determined to not get over being impugned. "I hope they dumped him behind the building and people walking by just put their dicks in his mouth while he was sleeping." Becky smirked. Nanu clearly had a vengeful streak in her. Not that she blamed her, mind. Nanu had to simply watch while Becky meted out the punishment. She doubted Nanu was capable of inflicting any real damage on people who slighted her. "Do you think you can teach me to drive this beast, Mistress?" the tiny woman asked. "That's a long way off, honey," Becky replied. Hell, she doubted Nanu could see over the dashboard and reach the pedals at the same time. "Let's conquer walking properly in running shoes before moving on to wheeled death machines, shall we?" Nanu huffed and crossed her arms, looking put out. "I wouldn't run down THAT many people;” she muttered. Becky's home, half an hour later. They managed to close the front door behind them before they fell to their knees, arms wrapped around one another and kissing hungrily. They moaned as they began removing their clothes, swallowing each other's tongues. Earlier, Becky had hoped to make it through the night without any romantic interludes because she had to work tomorrow, but in the car, Nanu had started being naughty, reaching over and rubbing Becky's crotch or fondling her tits. It also didn't help when she shimmied down her jeans and began fingering her cunt, teasing Becky and nearly causing her to drift off the road more than once. A trucker had cruised by them, looking down at them from his cab. Nanu had lifted her shirt to show off her tits, as well as stroking her nether lips plainly for him to see. He'd honked his horn loudly in approval, despite the late hour. And Becky was obviously hornier than she'd been willing to admit, and she couldn't even blame it on alcohol, since she'd only had two beers and one cosmopolitan. No, she just wanted to fuck, and Nanu

Happy Friday! Decorations is one thing, but a new study says Christmas music too early can lead to a decline in mental health. Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 12 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones for "Fill In The Blank Friday" (that's a lot of quotation marks)! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

With the prevalence of AI, more actors are taking steps to either join the revolution or fight it! Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 11 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and admitted what movies the whole world has seen, but not us! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! We have to admit, AI music is far surpassing our expectations. It just continues to deliver, even with Vanilla Ice! Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 10 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones to debate the best cheesesteaks in the Lehigh Valley! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Friday! Have you seen any Black Friday sales being advertised?? You probably will soon. Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" against the spread for Week 8 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and hit the phones to kiss and tell! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! Halloween is approaching, so today we talked candy, and the differences between how men and women approach it. Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 7 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and shared our costumes for this Halloween season! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

It's probably one of the worst morning afters in Philly sports history, but we powered through! A news station fell for a hilariously stupid story, Dave made his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 6 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones to hear what smell bothers you the most! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! With the government shutdown, that's no reason to shutdown your love life if you're furloughed. Dave made his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 5 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and may have set the record for most people ever in-studio. Pleasant Valley High School marching band joined us to promote their push for $1 million in T-Mobile's Friday Night Lights contest! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Last night's Thursday Night Football game had a fun hot mic moment, Dave gave out his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 4 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and asked the question - What is something you could do 20 years ago, that you no longer can today?! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! We are contractually obligated to celebrate Talk Like A Pirate Day, Dave shared his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 3 in the NFL, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and hit the phones for Fill In The Blank Friday! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! Today we found a story that we had to double check, because it SCREAMED Florida, but in fact was home-grown. Dave gave out his "Pigskin Picks" for Week 2 in the NFL, we crowned out "Asshat of the Week" and talked the weirdest things we've witnessed at a gas station or convenience store! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We were light on content today, seeing as we had a "Free-for-all Friday" taking requests... Why?! Because we were fried from staying up to watch the Eagles! We reacted to what was a very strange start to the season, some poor guy lost his "forever" jackpot, a fast food worker freaked out over an order, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and found some fun new Guinness World Records! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We found another Guinness World Record we think we could break, the original CEO of Cracker Barrel is piling on their new one for the disastrous rebrand, some buffoon keeps buying and returning anvils on Amazon, and Rick can't believe what some models make on OnlyFans! We also crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and had fun with "Fill In The Blank Friday" to find out what your awkward teenage phase was! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Am I the Asshat for not wanting to go phone-free at a baby shower? And Holly has the Dirt Alert. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Congrats America     To advertise on our podcast, please reach out to sales@advertisecast.com or visit https://www.advertisecast.com/TheJeffWardShow

The Milwaukee Brewers won 12 games in a row, which means free burgers for everyone, but you gotta be patient! There's a Charlie Sheen documentary coming out soon, we found the world's noisiest neighbor, and crowned our "Asshat of the Week!" And we had some more fun (being lazy) with "Fill in the blank Friday," this time surrounding what you hate at work! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! There's a new trend with weight loss medication that has plastic surgeons licking their chops, some guy in NYC is shaming strangers for their bad walking, we found a woman who got sweet revenge on a car dealership, and we learned that Spider-Man is the same age as Rick! We crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and got another listener email about a problem that needs solving involving tattoo troubles! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Today we kicked off a beautiful Friday by playing "Airport Bingo," then delved into the story TAKING OVER the internet - the tech CEO who was busted cheating, thanks to the "kiss cam" at a Coldplay concert! We crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones to hear what your catchphrase is, or the thing people always say that drives you nuts! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Am I the Asshat for leaving a party when my BF's friend made a rude comment? We dive into the Page Six reports about Kelly Clarkson and Ryan Murphy knows gender representation is important for serial killers? See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Tesla's new "RoboTaxis" have hit the roadways in select cities, and are off to a rough start. We have a new favorite baseball player, and he's a Met! Last week's "Asshat of the Week" finally got caught, and we debated "living wage fees," being added to restaurant bills across the country...See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

First day of summer! Today we talked a massive data breach that affected 16 billion accounts, an ultimate irony took place at a Buffalo Wild Wings, and a government worker got a surprise paycheck. We found a crazy review of that wine hack we shared recently, involving jalapenos. As always, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones to bat around movies that Hollywood would NEVER make again in today's day and age! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Rick flew the coop to spend Father's Day weekend in Cleveland, so Dave was solo with plenty of content for the dads out there! It started out with what NOT to do with your kids on vacation, Hollywood hunk Gerard Butler has something gross in common with Dave, a cool uncle joined his nephew on a drive-thru prank, and it didn't take long for Dave to absorb a dad JOKE today... about his camo shirt. He also hit the phones to hear the worst / most ideal Father's Day gifts! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Q falls in love, Walt and Frank covet Q's fancy tub, Walt rocks out with the elderly, sports controversy.

This morning we found out Aaron Rodgers is set to be a Steeler, those stolen Heart guitars were found already, and we celebrated National Donut Day! Of course, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and held a Great Banana Debate, as a new poll showed more and more people are peeling theirs from the bottom side! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Friday, already! A new world record was set that we have NO interest in attempting, a woman claims her man's gas is responsible for a 7-year sinus infection, and Dave is at his wit's end trying to get his puppy to poop in the rain. We crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones for "Finish the line Friday!" See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! Tom Brady is considering coming out of retirement to play AGAIN, a felon made a costly mistake after attempting the "One Chip Challenge," and we found the perfect gift for the graduate in your life. We crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and played another "Fill in the line Friday" dealing with how your vacation got ruined!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! We talked the full Eagles schedule which was released, a groom hatched a revenge plot for his wife at their wedding, and if you're gonna tow a car it's best to call the professionals. Dave had an INSANE experience with his puppy this week that you won't believe. Well, maybe you will, a lot of people have stories about the incredibly stupid things their pets have done. And of course, we crowned our "Asshat of the Week!" See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Friday! This weekend will be the 151st running of the Kentucky Derby, so we took a look at the odds and talked the horses we'll be betting. The internet has become consumed by a hypothetical question, so we finally gave in and debated it! Who would win in a fight between 100 men against a gorilla?? We crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and it's a local woman! Plus, we once again played "Fill in the blank Friday" with listeners on the phone.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Shedeur Sanders monologue

Happy Friday! Today we talked about the Eagles 1st round draft pick, another Waymo ride from hell, and a new ad from the American Wood Council advising calm over the tariffs. We also crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and shared what we believe to be the greatest movie lines in history for "Fill in the blank Friday!" See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

We packed a lot of stuff into one show! Dave hit a massive bet already in The Masters (which he regrets not sharing), some amateur there took relief in a most disrespectful way, and the Minecraft movie madness continues! Today we learned how mean geese can get, couldn't believe the ad campaign for a new drink, and crowned our "Asshat of the Week." We also took it easy for the phone topic and simply made you fill in the blank! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Is Grandma being an Asshat? We discuss on this edition of Am I The Asshat, Lex has her Big Fat Minecraft Movie Review (spoiler, she loved it!) and we have some SNL Dirt from the weekend in Leah's Dirt Alert. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Is Grandma being an Asshat? We discuss on this edition of Am I The Asshat, Lex has her Big Fat Minecraft Movie Review (spoiler, she loved it!) and we have some SNL Dirt from the weekend in Leah's Dirt Alert. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Happy Friday! Today we talked Rick's rough afternoon, Sharon Osbourne's plans for an Ozzy hologram ALREADY, another ash eater in the UK, and what to do about your 23&Me genetic data. We also of course crowned our "Asshat of the Week," and hit the phones to find out the one thing you can't live without! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A woman in Easton stumbled upon an unknown Renoir drawing at an auction and bought it for only $12! We learned why it's important to pay your plumber, we got grossed out over breast milk ice cream, and crowned our "Asshat(s) of the Week!" And Dave has been driving by the most bizarre thing in Quakertown for the past month, so we hit the phones to hear YOUR strangest thing you've seen while out on the road. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Well Rick's NCAA bracket didn't take long to get busted, a sorority girl in George went viral for her hot mug shot, and Bigfoot calling contests are apparently a thing in the Midwest! If you wanna avoid driving while high, you can now board the "CaniBUS," we crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and hit the phones to hear what celebrity you would choose to be stuck with in an elevator! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Pi Day! They're trying to tell us cockroach milk is the next big thing in nutrition, "coregasms" are apparently achievable if you workout hard enough, and Kelly Clarkson has been mysteriously missing from her show for over a month now, leading to conspiracy theories. We crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and also talked the best spots to "people-watch" and the strangest people we've seen! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

And also a hat that says "ass." Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," heard a toddler call 911 for an "emergency donut," poured over this year's Oscars celebrity swag bags, and visited the hot new funeral parlor in China! We also found a guy online who went viral for his amazing skill at identifying songs from the first split second. And we tested Dave and the listeners to see if they could do it too! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This morning we crowned our "Asshat of the Week," were passengers on a road trip from Brooklyn to Pennsylvania for eggs, and were scratching our heads at a new product from Nathan's Hotdogs. Plus, Instagram unveiled a new feature that many are finding to be shady! So we hit the phones to hear how you've accidentally been exposed online.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Happy Valentine's Day! And if you're a scorned lover, we have the perfect solution for your ex. We witnessed one of the dumbest things a human has ever done, thanks to a woman in Utah who ended up on train tracks. Arizona is currently debating what their state greeting should be, we're now obsessed with Hallmark movies, and we crowned our "Asshat of the Week!" Plus, seeing as it's a day for lovers, we hit the phones to hear what rules people have when it comes to finding a mate! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This morning we got introduced to "StickTok," found out the #1 restaurant chain in America, and prepped for Groundhog Day this weekend. We also crowned our "Asshat of the Week" and shared our prized possession rock t-shirts that we still have from back in the day! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jason, Alexis, Holly, Steve, Stormer, and Brittnay are in the house for the myTalk Awards -- We're naming our picks for Music Artist of the Year and Asshat of the Year Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jason, Alexis, Holly, Steve, Stormer, and Brittnay are in the house for the myTalk Awards -- We're naming our picks for Music Artist of the Year and Asshat of the Year Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Chas & Dr Dave discuss Floridian Foreign Policy, Dictator For 10 Days, and The PEPpers We Met Along The Way 0:00 - Introducing Dr Dave;  2:46 - Grateful (Canberra PEPpers, Home Pull-Up Bars); 8:27 - Dave's Election Hot Takes;  41:44 - Chas' Election Hot Takes;  1:12:18 - Democrat Problems: (Media, Low Trust, The Senate);  1:37:33 - Cabinet Nominees - State: Marco Rubio; 1:41.27 - NSA: Mike Waltz;  1:48:42 - Border Czar: Tom Homan;  1:55:38 - Homeland Security: Kristi Noem;  2:02:24 - UN Ambassador: Elise Stefanik;  2:04:58 - Israel Ambassador: Mike Huckabee;  2:14:17 - Defence: Pete Hegseth;  2:26:52 - Deputy Chief Of Staff: Stephen Miller;  2:27:49 - EPA: Lee Zeldin;  2:31:16 - Attorney-General: Matthew Gaetz;  2:39:07 - Health: RFK Jr.;  2:42:22 - Unleashed (More On Gaetz & Hegseth);  2:48:30 - Unleashed (CIA Director: John Ratcliffe);  2:49:52 - Unleashed: (DOGE: Ramaswamy & Musk);  3:02:35 - Unleashed: (Senate Recess Appointments);  3:29:50 - Unleashed: (Miscellaneous Leftovers);  3:39:58 - Unleashed: (Correspondence: Vance, Enemy Within, Taxes, Double Envelopes, Epstein Brownstone, Amazon, McDonald's, Asshat);  3:54:01 - Unleashed: (Correspondence: Pearlman, Ghosts, Guns, AI, Bitcoin, Recommendations) SHOW NOTES/HOMEWORK: * The Blueprint Attack Line Rankings against Democrats https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Gb6RtOvbwAAS_Sl?format=jpg&name=900x900 * Ghosts Can't Do It https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x8kpq34 SHOW LINKS: *Chat with the PEPpers on the Discord Server: https://discord.gg/WxDD2PPvaW *PEP Merch Store: https://pepchasdaveshop.com/  

Send us a Text Message.Why would Steve Kerr bench Jason Tatum in favor of less accomplished players like Devin Booker? We dive headfirst into this puzzling decision in our fiery discussion, "Steve Kerr is an Asshat." Mike made sure that this episode in definitely NSFW!Support the Show.

In this Episode: Our Heroes convene with their Ancient Alien overlords to review Stargate. This one is a throwback and a half! Kurt Russell, as Col. Asshat. James Spader as Dr. Bleep Bloop... I mean, what's not to love! Tune in..! Follow Us: Our Website Twitter Instagram Facebook Items discussed (links to more info): Note - if the below links don't work in your podcast player please visit the show page at: https://ebd.fm/episodes/260

This is yet another divisive wedding edition of AITA. Jason and Alexis get the dirt on George Lopez's stand-up snafuu. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is yet another divisive wedding edition of AITA. Jason and Alexis get the dirt on George Lopez's stand-up snafuu. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoicesSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Dumbass.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.