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Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. In this powerful episode of the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Drs. Ryan Reyna and James Hawkins dive deep into the critical challenge therapists face when entering couples sessions without a strategic approach. They explore the pitfalls of entering therapy unprepared and provide practical insights for maintaining therapeutic effectiveness. Conversation Outline: The Therapist's Challenge Emotional complexity of couples therapy Sacrifices therapists make in helping distressed relationships Importance of professional preparedness Risks of Entering Sessions Without a Plan Potential for therapist triangulation Tendency to mediate instead of facilitating healing Danger of getting caught in reactive cycles Strategic Therapeutic Approach Understanding the couple's emotional "muscle" Developing a flexible, adaptive therapeutic plan Focusing on attachment patterns rather than surface conflicts Emotional Regulation Strategies Preparing therapist's nervous system Recognizing and interrupting destructive interaction patterns Creating safety through structured intervention Closing Summary: Your preparedness, empathy, and commitment create a transformative space where healing becomes possible—one vulnerable moment at a time. Remember: In the landscape of human relationships, you are not just a therapist, but a skilled navigator helping couples rediscover their fundamental connection. Upcoming events, if you would like to train with James or Ryan… You can do a joint Core Skills (Colorado) with Lisa J. Palmer-Olsen & Dr. James Hawkins. Core Skills Modules 1 and 2 will be held October 8-10, 2025, and Core Skills Modules 3 and 4 will be held January 7-9, 2026. You can register at https://courses.efft.org/courses/2025-core-skills-colorado. October 15-18, 2025, you can do an Externship with James in beautiful Bend, Oregon. You can register at https://www.counseloregon.com. You can train with Ryan, as well as George Faller, doing a live and some time with James, at the annual Arkansas EFT Center externship. July 29-August 1, 2025, in person, in Fayetteville, Arkansas. https://www.arkansaseft.com/events/externship We would like to invite everyone to come hang out and learn with the SV team at the first-ever SV Focus Lab. This is an advanced, EFCT training intending to push the edge with a focus on nuance in application, illuminating EFT and Sue's incredible model.” You can learn more and register by going to https://www.svfocuslab.com. Leading edge listeners who register before July 1 with the code svfocuslab.com/leadingedge get a 10% discount. To support our mission and help us continue producing impactful content, your financial contributions via Venmo (@leftpodcast) are greatly appreciated. They play a significant role in keeping this valuable resource available and are a testament to your commitment to our cause. We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples. Stay connected with us: Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
APPLE | SPOTIFY | YOUTUBE In this episode of Psychotherapy Central, I'm diving into the deeply transformative process of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFCT)—one of the most effective, evidence-based approaches to relationship healing. Whether you're feeling stuck in repetitive arguments, disconnected from your partner, or simply longing for deeper emotional intimacy, EFCT offers a roadmap. I'll walk you through the three stages of this powerful therapy model and explore how we can move from disconnection and reactivity to vulnerability and reconnection. You'll learn: What EFCT is and why it works The pursue–withdraw cycle and how it keeps couples stuck How to transform protest into vulnerability The role of attachment needs in conflict How EFCT supports long-term relational healing If you're a therapist, in a relationship, or simply curious about deep emotional healing, this episode is for you.
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. Summary: In this episode of the Leading Edge EFT Podcast, Dr. James Hawkins and his wife Nicola explore two critical questions from EFT therapists about navigating complex couple therapy moments. The discussion focuses on validation techniques, managing partner reactions during therapeutic interventions, and the nuanced art of creating emotional safety in couples therapy. Key Topics: Validation in EFT: Validating attachment functions, not harmful behaviors Balancing validation between partners Recognizing the underlying emotional needs behind challenging behaviors Therapeutic Enactments: Navigating client resistance to sharing emotions Helping clients express vulnerable feelings in new ways Understanding the emotional landscape behind repeated communication patterns Action Items: Explore validation techniques that honor both partners' emotional experiences Practice creating safety when challenging client interaction patterns Consider attending upcoming EFT training opportunities Memorable Quote: "You can earn the right to challenge after first meeting your client with validation." Upcoming events, if you would like to train with James or Ryan… You can do a joint Core Skills (Colorado) with Lisa J. Palmer-Olsen & Dr. James Hawkins. Core Skills Modules 1 and 2 will be held October 8-10, 2025, and Core Skills Modules 3 and 4 will be held January 7-9, 2026. You can register at https://courses.efft.org/courses/2025-core-skills-colorado. October 15-18, 2025, you can do an Externship with James in beautiful Bend, Oregon. You can register at https://www.counseloregon.com. You can train with Ryan, as well as George Faller, doing a live and some time with James, at the annual Arkansas EFT Center externship. July 29-August 1, 2025, in person, in Fayetteville, Arkansas. https://www.arkansaseft.com/events/externship We would like to invite everyone to come hang out and learn with the SV team at the first-ever SV Focus Lab. This is an advanced, EFCT training intending to push the edge with a focus on nuance in application, illuminating EFT and Sue's incredible model.” You can learn more and register by going to https://www.svfocuslab.com. Leading edge listeners who register before July 1 with the code svfocuslab.com/leadingedge get a 10% discount. To support our mission and help us continue producing impactful content, your financial contributions via Venmo (@leftpodcast) are greatly appreciated. They play a significant role in keeping this valuable resource available and are a testament to your commitment to our cause. We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples. Stay connected with us: Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. This podcast episode focuses on the critical concept of "timing" in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), specifically when and how therapists should "play it" during therapeutic sessions. Hosts Dr. James Hawkins and Dr. Ryan Reyna discuss the importance of recognizing and responding to vulnerable emotions and caregiving moments in couples therapy. Main Points: Key Ingredients of a Secure Bond Vulnerable, live emotion Accessible, responsive, and engaged (ARE) caregiving system Timing Considerations Earlier in therapy: Play moments quickly (less room for vulnerability) Later in therapy: More space to let emotions develop Clinical decision-making about when to intervene Critical Moments to "Play It" When vulnerable emotion emerges When a caregiving response is present Before the moment passes or the cycle interrupts vulnerability Risks of Not Playing the Moment Clients may exit the vulnerable space Emotional opportunities can be lost Cycle of interaction can revert to negative patterns Practical Advice Catch and recognize emotional moments Make clinical decisions about intervention Prioritize creating space for emotional connection The episode includes a role-play demonstration illustrating these principles, emphasizing the importance of therapist attunement and timely intervention. Upcoming events, if you would like to train with James or Ryan… You can do a joint Core Skills (Colorado) with Lisa J. Palmer-Olsen & Dr. James Hawkins. Core Skills Modules 1 and 2 will be held October 8-10, 2025, and Core Skills Modules 3 and 4 will be held January 7-9, 2026. You can register at https://courses.efft.org/courses/2025-core-skills-colorado. October 15-18, 2025, you can do an Externship with James in beautiful Bend, Oregon. You can register at https://www.counseloregon.com. You can train with Ryan, as well as George Faller, doing a live and some time with James, at the annual Arkansas EFT Center externship. July 29-August 1, 2025, in person, in Fayetteville, Arkansas. https://www.arkansaseft.com/events/externship We would like to invite everyone to come hang out and learn with the SV team at the first-ever SV Focus Lab. This is an advanced, EFCT training intending to push the edge with a focus on nuance in application, illuminating EFT and Sue's incredible model.” You can learn more and register by going to https://www.svfocuslab.com. Leading edge listeners who register before July 1 with the code svfocuslab.com/leadingedge get a 10% discount. To support our mission and help us continue producing impactful content, your financial contributions via Venmo (@leftpodcast) are greatly appreciated. They play a significant role in keeping this valuable resource available and are a testament to your commitment to our cause. We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples. Stay connected with us: Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. Overview and Themes: This podcast episode is the finale of the "Resistant Client Series," focusing on how therapists can transform client resistance into opportunities for deeper emotional connection and healing. Main Themes: 1. Understanding Resistance as Protective Behavior - Resistance isn't a problem to eliminate, but a weight-bearing mechanism protecting relationship dynamics - Every resistant stance has an attachment significance - Clients aren't being difficult; they're managing deep emotional fears 2. Theory of Change in EFT - Replace resistance with corrective emotional experiences - Help clients make clear emotional signals - Enable partners to provide compassionate comfort - Support clients in truly receiving and embodying that comfort 3. Clinical Wisdom - Don't lose hope with challenging clients - Trust the attachment map - Be intentional about vulnerability in therapeutic interventions - Focus on helping clients understand their own emotional experiences Closing Summary: In the intricate dance of human connection, resistance is not an obstacle, but a doorway. Each defensive stance whispers a profound story of fear, longing, and the desperate hope to be truly seen and loved. As therapists, our sacred work is not to dismantle these protective walls, but to gently illuminate the tender heart beating behind them. We are architects of hope, helping couples rediscover the language of vulnerability, transforming cycles of pain into rhythms of connection. Every moment of resistance carries within it the seed of healing - waiting to be understood, honored, and transformed. Keep pushing the leading edge. Keep believing in love's remarkable capacity to heal. Upcoming events, if you would like to train with James or Ryan… You can do a joint Core Skills (Colorado) with Lisa J. Palmer-Olsen & Dr. James Hawkins. Core Skills Modules 1 and 2 will be held October 8-10, 2025, and Core Skills Modules 3 and 4 will be held January 7-9, 2026. You can register at https://courses.efft.org/courses/2025-core-skills-colorado. October 15-18, 2025, you can do an Externship with James in beautiful Bend, Oregon. You can register at https://www.counseloregon.com. You can train with Ryan, as well as George Faller, doing a live and some time with James, at the annual Arkansas EFT Center externship. July 29-August 1, 2025, in person, in Fayetteville, Arkansas. https://www.arkansaseft.com/events/externship We would like to invite everyone to come hang out and learn with the SV team at the first-ever SV Focus Lab. This is an advanced, EFCT training intending to push the edge with a focus on nuance in application, illuminating EFT and Sue's incredible model.” You can learn more and register by going to https://www.svfocuslab.com. Leading edge listeners who register before July 1 with the code svfocuslab.com/leadingedge get a 10% discount. To support our mission and help us continue producing impactful content, your financial contributions via Venmo (@leftpodcast) are greatly appreciated. They play a significant role in keeping this valuable resource available and are a testament to your commitment to our cause. We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples. Stay connected with us: Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
I've never highlighted a book as much as They're Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship. It's my favorite book in 2025! Watch the Video Interview Author Dr. Isabelle Morley gives us a timely book that rejects the reckless proliferation of the following terms: Sociopath Psychopath Love bomb Narcissist Boundaries Borderline Toxic Gaslighting Who is Dr. Isabelle Morley? Dr. Morley is not a chronic gaslighter trying to convince the world that she doesn't gaslight by writing a book about it. Here's her resume: Author of Navigating Intimacy and They're Not Gaslighting You Co-host of the podcast Romcom Rescue Contributor to Psychology Today Advisory Board Member of the Keepler app Founding Board Member of UCAN Member of the American Psychological Association Certified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) The Gottman Method – Completed Levels 1 and 2 Relational Life Therapy – Completed Level 1 PsyD in Clinical Psychology from William James College, 2015 Doctoral project researching hookup culture's impact on relationship formation, 2015 Master's in Professional Psychology from William James College, 2013 Bachelor of Arts from Tufts University, 2011 My Fatima Story I dated a woman for two years. Let's call her Fatima. In the second half of our relationship, Fatima bombarded me with many of the highly charged and often misused words listed above. After she dumped me the fifth and final time, I finally pushed back on her barrage of accusations. I said to her, “So, you truly believe I'm a narcissist? Let's look up the clinical definition of a narcissist and see how I stack up.” She agreed. Perplexity wrote: To be clinically considered as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-5, an individual must exhibit at least five out of nine specific characteristics. These characteristics, as summarized by the acronym “SPECIAL ME,” include: Sense of self-importance Exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements. Preoccupation Being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love Entitled Having unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations. Can only be around people who are important or special Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions). Interpersonally exploitative Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends. Arrogant Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. Lack empathy Being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others. Must be admired Requiring excessive admiration. Envious Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them. These symptoms must be pervasive, apparent in various social situations, and consistently rigid over time. A qualified healthcare professional typically diagnoses NPD through a clinical interview. The traits should also substantially differ from social norms. I asked her how many of these nine characteristics I exhibited consistently, pervasively, and in many social situations. She agreed that I was nowhere near five of the nine. Admittedly, I sometimes exhibited some of these nine characteristics in my intimate relationship with Fatima. I'm certainly guilty of that. However, to qualify as a true narcissist, you must display at least five of these nine characteristics often and with most people, not just your partner. To her credit, my ex-girlfriend sheepishly backed down from that accusation, saying, “You're right, Francis, you're not a narcissist.” Later, I would educate her (or, as she would say, “mansplain”) about another of her favorite words: gaslighting. I mansplained by sending her a video clip of renowned couples therapist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who explained why standard disagreements and having different perspectives aren't gaslighting. Soon after explaining that, Mrs. Gottman explains why, in some ways, “everybody is narcissistic.” Watch 6 minutes from 1:35:30 to 1:41:30: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kPmiV0B34&t=5730s After listening to an expert define gaslighting, Fatima apologized for incorrectly using the term. This is what I loved about Fatima: she wouldn't stubbornly cling to her position when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. This is a rare trait I cherish. Narcissists and sociopaths are about 1% of the population, so it's highly unlikely that all your exes are narcissists and sociopaths. Still, Fatima flung other popular, misused terms at me. She loved talking about “boundaries” and “red flags.” According to Dr. Morley, my ex “weaponized therapy speak.” Dr. Morley writes, “It's not a new phenomenon for people to use therapy terms casually, even flippantly, to describe themselves or other people. How long have we referred to someone as a ‘psycho' when they're acting irrationally or being mean?” Although weaponized therapy speak isn't new, it's ubiquitous nowadays. Dr. Morley's book sounds the alarm that it's out of control and dangerous. Three types of people would benefit from Dr. Morley's book: People like Fatima: Does someone you know tend to denigrate people using therapy speak? Are they intelligent, rational, and open-minded like Fatima? If so, they must read this book to recalibrate how they use these powerful words. People like me: Are you (or someone you know) accused of being a psychopath, a gaslighter, or a person with OCD? Actual victims: The explosion of use of these powerful words has diluted their meaning. As a result, the real victims of narcissists and sociopaths are now belittled. Their true suffering is minimized when every other person has a sociopath in their life. Their grievances are severe. Let's not equate our relationship problems with their terror. I'll list some of my favorite chapter titles, which will give you a flavor of the book's message: Chapter 4: Are They Gaslighting You, or Do They Just Disagree? Chapter 5: Do They Have OCD, or Are They Just Particular? Chapter 6: Is It a Red Flag, or Are They Just Imperfect? Chapter 7: Are They a Narcissist, or Did They Just Hurt Your Feelings? Chapter 9: Are They a Sociopath, or Do They Just Like You Less Than you Like Them? Chapter 11: Did They Violate Your Boundaries, or Did They Just Not Know How You Felt? I will quote extensively to encourage everyone to buy Dr. Mosley's book. Most quotations are self-explanatory, but sometimes I will offer personal commentary. Excerpts The trend of weaponized therapy speak marks something very different. These days, clinical words are wielded, sincerely and self-righteously, to lay unilateral blame on one person in a relationship while excusing the other from any wrongdoing. ========== Many times, we use these words as protective measures to help us avoid abusive partners and reduce our risk of “wasting” time or emotional energy on family or friends who don't deserve it. But using these terms can also absolve people from taking responsibility for their actions in their relationships. They can say, “I had to do that because of my obsessive-compulsive disorder” or “We didn't work out because she's a narcissist,” instead of doing the hard work of seeing their part in the problem and addressing the issues behind it. As a couples therapist, I'm particularly concerned with how the enthusiastic but inaccurate embrace of clinical terminology has made it harder to sustain healthy romantic attachments. With Fatima, our relationship woes were always my fault because I crossed her “boundaries” and I was a “narcissist.” If I disagreed, I was “gaslighting” her. Or I was being “defensive” instead of apologizing. And when I apologized, I did so incorrectly because I offered excuses after saying I'm sorry (she was right about that). The point is that she used weaponized therapy speak to demonize me, alleviating herself from the burden of considering that perhaps she shared some of the responsibility for our woes. ========== Their friend doesn't agree with their warped view of an event or their disproportionate reaction? The friend is an empathy-lacking narcissist who is actively gaslighting them. ========== In one memorable session of mine, a client managed to accuse their partner of narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, blaming the victim, lacking accountability, having no empathy, and being generally abusive, manipulative, and toxic . . . all within twenty minutes. Although Fatima and I went to couples therapy, I don't remember Dr. Mosley being our facilitator, but that sure sounds like Fatima! LOL! ========== I'm certified in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), which is a type of couples therapy based on attachment theory. ========== For example, if you feel like a failure for letting your partner down, you might immediately minimize your partner's feelings and tell them they shouldn't react so strongly to such a small issue. (For anyone wondering, this isn't gaslighting.) That makes them feel unheard and unimportant, so they get even more upset, which makes you dismiss their reaction as dramatic, and round and round it goes. Welcome to my world with Fatima! ========== You could claim your partner is toxic and borderline because they're emotionally volatile and unforgiving. You could say their feelings are disproportionate to the problem, and their verbal assault is bordering on abusive. But your partner could say that you are a narcissist who is gaslighting them by refusing to acknowledge their feelings, showing no empathy for the distress your tardiness caused, and shifting the blame to them (just like a narcissist would!). You'd both be wrong, of course, but you can see how these conclusions could happen. ========== Weaponized therapy speak is our attempt to understand people and situations in our lives, yes, but it is also a strategy to avoid responsibility. It puts the blame solely on the other person and allows us to ignore our part. ========== However, the vast majority of partners and friends are not sociopaths, narcissists, or abusers. They're just flawed. They're insecure, demanding, controlling, emotional, or any number of adjectives, but these traits alone aren't pathological. ========== But doing such things now and then in our relational histories, or doing them often in just one relationship, doesn't mean we have a personality disorder. These diagnoses are reserved for people who exhibit a persistent pattern of maladaptive behaviors in most or all of their close relationships. ========== I wasn't an abusive partner. I was a messy newcomer to relationships, as we usually are in our teens and twenties, trying my best to navigate my feelings while following bad examples from television and making plenty of other blunders along the way. Stonewalling was immature and an unhelpful way of coping, but it wasn't abuse. ========== If we're looking for a partner who will always do the right thing, even in the hardest moments, we're only setting ourselves up for disappointment. As I mentioned before, really good people can behave really badly. ========== If we don't know the difference between abusive behavior and normal problematic behavior, we're at risk for either accepting abuse (thinking that it's just a hard time) or, alternatively, throwing away a perfectly good relationship because we can't accept any flaws or mistakes. Alas, Fatima threw away a perfectly good relationship. I was her second boyfriend. Her lack of experience made her underappreciate what we had. She'll figure it out with the next guy. ========== Disagreeing with someone, thinking your loved one is objectively wrong, arguing about what really happened and what was actually said, trying to find your way to the one and only “truth”—these are things that most people do. They are not helpful or effective, but they also are not gaslighting. ========== “What? I didn't say yes to seeing it, Cece. I said yes to finding houses we both liked and visiting them. Sometimes you just hear what you want to and then get mad at me when you realize it's not what I actually said,” Meg answers. “Stop gaslighting me! Don't tell me what happened. I remember exactly what you said! You told me yes to this open house and then changed your mind, and I'm upset about it. I'm allowed to be upset about it; don't invalidate my feelings!” Cece says, her frustration growing. Meg feels surprised and nervous. She didn't think she was gaslighting Cece, which is exactly what she says. “I didn't mean to gaslight you. I just remember this differently. I don't remember saying I would go to this open house, so that's why I don't understand why you're this upset.” “Yes, you are gaslighting me because you're trying to convince me that what I clearly remember happening didn't happen. But you can't gaslight me because I'm positive I'm right.” ========== Cece's accusation of gaslighting quickly shut down the conversation, labeling Meg as a terrible partner and allowing Cece to exit the conversation as the victor. ========== I find gaslighting to be one of the harder labels to deal with in my clinical work for three reasons: 1. Accusations of gaslighting are incredibly common. I hear accusations of gaslighting at least once a week, and yet it's only been accurate about five times in my entire clinical career. Boyfriend didn't agree with what time you were meeting for dinner? Gaslighting. Spouse said you didn't tell them to pick up milk on the way home, but you swear you did? Gaslighting. ========== You could say, “I want you to know that I really understand your perspective on this. I see things differently, but your experience is valid, and it makes sense. I'm not trying to convince you that you're wrong and I'm right, and I'm sorry if I came across that way.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? Validation is another word that suffers from frequent misuse. People demand validation, but what they're really asking for is agreement. And if someone doesn't agree, they call it toxic. Here's the thing, though: Validation is not the same as agreement. ========== You can disagree in your head but still validate how they feel: “Hey, you're not crazy. I see why you'd feel that way. It makes sense to me. I'd probably feel that way too if I were in your shoes, experiencing our interaction the way you did. I care about your feelings.” ========== “I bet it felt really awful to have me challenge your experience and make you feel like it wasn't right or valid.” I regret I learned this lesson too late with Fatima. I was too slow to validate her feelings. We learn something in every relationship. Ideally, our partner is patient with us as we stumble through the learning process, often repeating the same error until we form a new habit. However, Fatima ran out of patience with me. I couldn't change fast enough for her, even though I was eager to learn and dying to please her. By the time I began to learn about proper validation and apologies, she had given up on me. ========== My husband, Lucas, hates it when lids aren't properly put on jars. You know, when a lid is half on and still loose or haphazardly tightened and askew? I, on the other hand, could not care less. I am the only perpetrator of putting lids on wrong in our house. I barely screw on the top to the pickles, peanut butter, medications, water bottles, or food storage containers. I don't even realize that I do it because I care so little about it. This drives Lucas absolutely crazy. I love this example because it's what I would repeatedly tell Fatima: some habits are hard to break. Dr. Mosley knows her husband hates half-closed jars, but she struggles to comply with his wishes. We're imperfect creatures. ========== Is your partner always leaving a wet towel on the floor after showering? Red flag—they're irresponsible and will expect you to clean up after them. Is your friend bad at texting to let you know when they're behind schedule? Red flag—they're selfish, inconsiderate, and don't value your time. It's all too easy to weaponize this term in a relationship, in hopes that it will shame the other person into changing. ========== People aren't perfect. Individually, we're messy, and in relationships, we're much messier. We all make mistakes, sometimes repeatedly for our entire lives. Instead of labeling all unwanted behaviors as red flags and expecting change or running away altogether, try a new approach: Identify why those behaviors hurt you and share that with your loved one instead. ========== When confronted with the knowledge that we've hurt someone, many of us become defensive. We hate the idea of hurting the person we love and since we usually didn't intend to hurt them, we start explaining why our actions weren't that bad and why they shouldn't feel upset. It comes from a place of inadequacy, self-criticism, and remorse. If the other person responds like this but you can tell they care about your pain, this may be a good time to give them some grace in the form of empathy and time. Wait a few hours or even a few days, then try the conversation again. For every criticism I had about Fatima's behavior, she had 20 criticisms about my behavior. As a result, I had many more opportunities to fall into the trap of becoming defensive. It's so hard to resist. I'm still working on that front. ========== We all have a touch of narcissism, which can get bigger at certain points in life, ========== Conflicts are upsetting, and we've all developed ways of protecting ourselves, whether it's getting loud to be heard or emotionally withdrawing to prevent a panic attack. Underneath these less-than-ideal responses, though, we feel awful. We feel scared, insecure, inadequate, unimportant, and alone. We hate fighting with our loved ones, and we really hate that we've hurt them, especially unknowingly. We're not being defensive because we have a narcissistic belief in our own superiority; we're doing it because we're terrified that the person won't understand us and will see us negatively, so we need to show them our side and explain to them why we aren't to blame. ========== But whether it's an inflated ego, vanity, self-absorption, or just unusually healthy confidence, these traits do not make a narcissist. To have NPD, the person must also require external validation and admiration, and to be seen as superior to others. This is the difference between a big ego and grandiosity. Grandiosity goes several steps beyond confidence—it's a near-delusional sense of importance, where someone exaggerates their achievements and expects others to see them as superior. ========== Some people suck. They're immature, mean, selfish, and unremorseful. Some people don't respect other people in their lives. They lie and they cheat, and they don't care that it hurts others. But they can be all these things and still not be a narcissist. There's a lot of room for people to be awful without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder, and that's because (you guessed it!) people are flawed. Some people feel justified in behaving badly, while others just don't know any better yet. Our growth is messy and not linear. ========== The reality is that anyone who genuinely worries that they are a narcissist, probably isn't. That level of openness and willingness to self-reflect is not typical of a narcissist. Plus, narcissists don't tend to believe or care that they've hurt others, whereas my clients are deeply distressed by the possibility that they've unknowingly caused others pain. ========== As with gaslighting, I have rarely seen people accurately diagnose narcissism. To put it bluntly, I have never seen a client in a couples therapy session call their partner a narcissist and be right. In fact, the person misusing the label usually tends to be more narcissistic and have more therapy work to do than their partner. ========== person involved with a narcissist to accurately identify the disorder because people with NPD are great at making other people think they are the problem. It's an insidious process, and rarely do people realize what's happening until others point it out to them or the narcissist harshly devalues or leaves them. Now, you might be in a relationship with someone who has NPD, but instead of jumping to “narcissist!” it's helpful to use other adjectives and be more specific about your concerns. Saying that a certain behavior was selfish or that a person seems unremorseful is more exact than calling them a narcissist. ========== Love bombing can happen at any point in a relationship, but it's most often seen at the start. ========== Love bombing is also a typical follow-up to fights. ========== Humans are a complicated species. Despite our amazing cognitive capacities and our innate desire to be good (well, most of us anyway), we often cause harm. People act in ways that can damage their relationships, both intentionally and unknowingly, but that doesn't make them sociopaths. In fact, anyone in a close and meaningful relationship will end up hurting the other person and will also end up getting hurt at some point because close relationships inevitably involve a degree of pain, be it disappointment, sadness, anger, or frustration. Even when we're doing our best, we hurt each other. We can't equate normal missteps and hurt with sociopathy. ========== People love to call their exes sociopaths, just like they love calling them narcissists. Dr. Mosley focuses on the term sociopath because it's more popular nowadays than the term psychopath, but they both suffer from misuse and overuse, she says. If your partner (or you) use the term psychopath often, then in the following excerpts, replace the word “sociopath” with “psychopath.” ========== calling someone a sociopath is extreme. You're calling them out as a human who has an underdeveloped (or nonexistent) capacity to be a law-abiding, respectful, moral member of society. And in doing so, you're saying they were the entire problem in your relationship. Unless you were with a person who displayed a variety of extreme behaviors that qualify as ASPD, that conclusion isn't fair, accurate, or serving you. Again, you're missing out on the opportunity to reflect on your part in the problem, examine how you could have been more effective in the relationship, and identify how you can change for the better in your next relationship. If you label your ex a sociopath and call it a day, you're cutting yourself short. ========== Let the record show that I have never seen someone use the term sociopath correctly in their relationship. ========== some boundaries are universal and uncrossable, but the majority are personal preferences that need to be expressed and, at times, negotiated. Claiming a boundary violation is a quick and easy way to control someone's behavior, and that's why it's important to clarify what this phrase means and how to healthily navigate boundaries in a relationship. Fatima loved to remind me of and enforce her “boundaries.” It was a long list, so I inevitably crossed them, which led to drama. ========== There are some boundaries we all agree are important and should be uncrossable—I call these universal boundaries. Violating universal boundaries, especially when done repeatedly without remorse or regard for the impact it has on the other person, amounts to abuse. ========== The main [universal boundaries] are emotional, physical, sexual, and financial boundaries ========== Outside of these universal, uncrossable boundaries, there are also individual boundaries. Rather than applying to all people, these boundaries are specific to the person and defined by their own preferences and needs. As such, they are flexible, fluid over time, and full of nuance. If they are crossed, it can be uncomfortable, but it isn't necessarily abuse. ========== boundary is a line drawn to ensure safety and autonomy, whereas a preference is something that would make you feel happy but is not integral to your sense of relational security or independence. ========== While a well-adjusted person might start a dialogue about how to negotiate an individual boundary in a way that honors both partners' needs, an abusive person will never consider if their boundary can be shifted or why it might be damaging or significantly limiting to the other person. Instead, they will accuse, blame, and manipulate their partner as their way of keeping that person within their controlling limits. ========== The point is that as we go through life, our boundaries shift. As you can see, this is part of what makes it difficult for people to anticipate or assess boundary violations. If you expect and demand that the people close to you honor your specific boundaries on certain topics, but you're not telling them what the boundaries are or when and how they've changed, you're setting your loved ones up for failure. ========== And again, people unknowingly cross each other's individual boundaries all the time. It's simply inevitable. ========== It will create an unnecessary and unproductive rift. 3. We Mistake Preferences for Boundaries Boundaries protect our needs for safety and security. Preferences promote feelings of happiness, pleasure, or calm. When someone crosses a boundary, it compromises our physical or mental health. When someone disregards a preference, we may feel annoyed, but it doesn't pose a risk to our well-being. ========== You've Been Accused of Violating a Boundary If you're in a close relationship, chances are you're going to violate the other person's boundaries at some point. This is especially likely if the person has not told you what boundaries are important to them. However, you might also be unjustly accused of violating a boundary, perhaps a boundary you didn't know about or a preference masquerading as a boundary, and you'll need to know what to do. ========== I never thought of telling Fatima that she was “borderline.” It helps that I didn't know what the term meant. Dr. Mosley says that a person must have several of the “borderline” characteristics to have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Fatima only had one of them, so she did not have BPD. Here's the only BPD trait she exhibited: Stormy, intense, and chaotic relationships: Have relationships that tend to be characterized by extremes of idealization and devaluation in which the person with BPD idolizes someone one moment and then vilifies them the next. Because they struggle to see others in a consistent and nuanced way, their relationships go through tumultuous ups and downs, where they desire intense closeness one minute and then reject the person the next. Fatima promised me, “I will love you forever,” “I want to marry you,” “I will be with you until death,” “I'll never leave you,” and other similar extreme promises. Three days later, she would dump me and tell me she never wanted to get back together. Two days later, she apologized and wanted to reunite. Soon, she would be making her over-the-top romantic declarations again. She'd write them and say them repeatedly, not just while making love. Eventually, I'd fuck up again. Instead of collaborating to prevent further fuck ups, Fatima would simply break up with me with little to no discussion. This would naturally make me question her sincerity when she repeatedly made her I-will-be-with-you-forever promises. You might wonder why I was so fucking stupid to reunite with her after she did that a couple of times. Why did I always beg her to reconsider and reunite with me even after we repeated the pattern four times? (The fifth time she dumped me was the last time.) Humans are messy. I expect imperfection. I know my loved one will repeatedly do stupid shit because I sure will. So, I forgave her knee-jerk breakup reaction because I knew she didn't do it out of malice. She did it to protect herself. She was in pain. She thought that pulling the plug would halt the pain. That's reasonable but wrong. That doesn't matter. She's learning, I figured. I need to be patient. I was hopeful we'd break the pattern and learn how to deal with conflict maturely. We didn't. I'm confident she'll figure it out soon, just like I learned from my mistakes with her. ========== If I had to pick one word to describe people with BPD, it would be unstable. Fatima was unstable in a narrow situation: only with one person (me) and only when the shit hit the fan with me. Aside from that, she was highly stable. Hence, it would have been ludicrous if I accused her of having Borderline Personality Disorder. Luckily, I never knew the overused borderline term; even if I did, I wouldn't be tempted to use it on her. ========== Just as with red flags, we all exhibit some toxic behaviors at times. I don't know anyone who has lived a toxic-free existence. Sometimes we go through tough phases where our communication and coping skills are down, and we'll act more toxically than we might normally; this doesn't make us a toxic person. Indeed, many romantic relationships go through toxic episodes, if you will (should we make “toxic episode” a thing?), where people aren't communicating well, are escalating conflicts, and are generally behaving badly. We need to normalize a certain level of temporary or situational toxicity while also specifying what we mean by saying “toxic.” This is the only way we can determine whether the relationship needs help or needs ending. ========== trauma is itself a heavy, often misunderstood word. Its original meaning referenced what we now call “big T” trauma: life-threatening events such as going to war or surviving a car crash. Nowadays, we also talk about “little t” trauma: events that cause significant distress but aren't truly life-threatening, like being bullied in school or having an emotionally inconsistent parent. ========== Avoiding relationships with anyone who triggers hard feelings will mean a very lonely existence. ========== a trauma bond is the connection that survivors feel with their abuser. ========== A captured soldier who defends his captors? That person is, in fact, trauma bonded. ========== soldiers aren't trauma bonded after going to war together; they're socially bonded, albeit in an unusually deep way. A captured soldier who defends his captors? That person is, in fact, trauma bonded. ========== None of us get to have a happy relationship without hard times and hard work. It's normal and okay to sometimes struggle with the person you're close to or love. When the struggle happens, don't despair. Within the struggle are opportunities to invest in the relationship and grow, individually and together. ========== If you determine your relationship is in a tough spot but not abusive, now's the time for some hard relational work. A good cocktail for working on your relationship is specificity, vulnerability, and commitment. ========== Making a relationship work requires you and your loved ones to self-reflect, take responsibility, and change. This process won't just happen once; it's a constant cycle you'll go through repeatedly over the course of the relationship. You'll both need to look at yourselves, own what you've done wrong or could do better, and work to improve. Nobody is ever finished learning and growing, not individually and certainly not in a relationship. But that's what can be so great about being in a relationship: It's a never-ending opportunity to become a better person. And when you mess up (because trust me, you will), be kind to yourself. As I keep saying, humans are wonderfully imperfect. Even when we know what to do, sometimes we just don't or can't do it. ========== In this world of messy humans, how do you know who will be a good person for you to be with? My answer: Choose someone who wants to keep doing the work with you. There is no perfect person or partner for you, no magical human that won't ever hurt, irritate, enrage, or overwhelm you. Being in close relationships inevitably leads to big, scary feelings at times, so pick someone who wants to get through the dark times with you. Remember that when people are behaving badly in a desperate attempt to connect—not control—they'll be able to look at themselves, recognize the bad behavior, and change. Pick someone who has the willingness to self-reflect and grow, even if it's hard. Someone who will hang in there, even during your worst fights, and ultimately say, “Listen, this is awful, and I don't want to keep arguing like this, but I love you and I want to figure this out with you.” Wow. So well said. And this, in a paragraph, explains where Fatima and I failed. I dislike pointing fingers at my ex when explaining why we broke up. I made 90% of the mistakes in my relationship with Fatima, so I bear most of the responsibility. However, Fatima was the weaker one on one metric: having someone who wants to collaborate to make a beautiful relationship despite the hardships. The evident proof is that she dumped me five times, whereas I never dumped her or even threatened to dump her. I always wanted to use our problems as a chance to learn and improve. Fatima used them as an excuse to quit. She tried. She really did. However, she lacked the commitment Dr. Mosley discussed in that paragraph. Perhaps another man will inspire Fatima to find the strength and courage to bounce back and not throw in the towel. Or maybe she will mature and evolve to a point where she can be with someone less compatible than I was for her. She would often declare, “Francis, we're incompatible.” I'd say, “No, we are compatible; we have incompatibilities. Everyone has incompatibilities. We just need to work through them. If there is a willingness to collaborate, we can solve any incompatibility. The only couples who are truly incompatible are the ones where one or both individuals refuse to budge or learn. We can overcome countless incompatibilities as long as we both want to be together.” ========== We have wounds and scars and bad habits. We rely on ineffective but protective coping mechanisms. We push others away when we're hurt or scared. ========== Everyone behaves badly sometimes. But even then, odds are they're not gaslighting you. Conclusion I'll repeat: They're Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship is my favorite book in 2025! Buy it! Feedback Leave anonymous audio feedback at SpeakPipe More info You can post comments, ask questions, and sign up for my newsletter at http://wanderlearn.com. If you like this podcast, subscribe and share! On social media, my username is always FTapon. Connect with me on: Facebook Twitter YouTube Instagram TikTok LinkedIn Pinterest Tumblr My Patrons sponsored this show! Claim your monthly reward by becoming a patron at http://Patreon.com/FTapon Rewards start at just $2/month! 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Welcome to the Leading Edge in Emotionally Focused Therapy, hosted by Drs. James Hawkins, Ph.D., LPC, and Ryan Rana, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC—Renowned ICEEFT Therapists, Supervisors, and Trainers. We're thrilled to have you with us. We believe this podcast, a valuable resource, will empower you to push the boundaries in your work, helping individuals and couples connect more deeply with themselves and each other. Key Highlights: Counterintuitive approach: When clients become reactive, therapists should move towards the emotion, not away from it Reactivity is a signal of underlying fear and pain that needs acknowledgment The goal is to help clients organize and understand their emotional experience Main Points: Understanding Reactivity Reactivity indicates a need for emotional organization Therapists must first ground themselves to stay present Look for cues like voice changes, slower pace, and "yes" signaling Therapeutic Approach Move towards the reactivity with curiosity and empathy Co-create meaning with the client Help clients understand the attachment function of their emotional response Trust and Corrective Experience Develop trust that vulnerable emotions exist beneath resistance Be willing to take vulnerable steps before seeing the full result Learn through practice and experiencing successful interventions Practical Strategies: Validate the function of protective behaviors Slow down the process Become an "attachment interpreter" Closing Insight: EFT aims to help clients find flexibility in their reactive moments and connect with each other, not eliminate reactivity. Upcoming events, if you would like to train with James or Ryan… You can do a joint Core Skills (Colorado) with Lisa J. Palmer-Olsen & Dr. James Hawkins. Core Skills Modules 1 and 2 will be held October 8-10, 2025, and Core Skills Modules 3 and 4 will be held January 7-9, 2026. You can register at https://courses.efft.org/courses/2025-core-skills-colorado. October 15-18, 2025, you can do an Externship with James in beautiful Bend, Oregon. You can register at https://www.counseloregon.com. You can train with Ryan, as well as George Faller, doing a live and some time with James, at the annual Arkansas EFT Center externship. July 29-August 1, 2025, in person, in Fayetteville, Arkansas. https://www.arkansaseft.com/events/externship We would like to invite everyone to come hang out and learn with the SV team at the first-ever SV Focus Lab. This is an advanced, EFCT training intending to push the edge with a focus on nuance in application, illuminating EFT and Sue's incredible model.” You can learn more and register by going to https://www.svfocuslab.com. Leading edge listeners who register before July 1 with the code svfocuslab.com/leadingedge get a 10% discount. To support our mission and help us continue producing impactful content, your financial contributions via Venmo (@leftpodcast) are greatly appreciated. They play a significant role in keeping this valuable resource available and are a testament to your commitment to our cause. We aim to equip therapists with practical tools and encouragement for addressing relational distress. We're also excited to be part of the team behind Success in Vulnerability (SV)—your premier online education platform. SV offers innovative instruction to enhance your therapeutic effectiveness through exclusive modules and in-depth clinical examples. Stay connected with us: Facebook: Follow our page @pushtheleadingedge Ryan: Follow @ryanranaprofessionaltraining on Facebook and visit his website James: Follow @dochawklpc on Facebook and Instagram, or visit his website at dochawklpc.com George Faller: Visit georgefaller.com If you like the concepts discussed on this podcast you can explore our online training program, Success in Vulnerability (SV). Thank you for being part of our community. Let's push the leading edge together!
Welcome back for the next journey of The Family Express Podcast with Kathryn de Bruin, LMFT and Ronda Evans, LMFT where our destination is resilient and connected families. Our guest speaker is Rikki Kumar, MA, RP, RCC, CCC whose life traverses India and Vancouver. He is a certified EFIT, EFCT and EFFT Therapist. He works at the Vancouver EFT Centre.Kathryn de Bruin is an ICEEFT Certified EFT Trainer. Kathryn and Ronda are both licensed marriage and family therapists, EFT supervisors and therapists, and AAMFT Approved Supervisors.You can follow Kathryn de Bruin, LMFTFacebook YouTube IG Yelp Google + Twitter WebsiteYou can follow Ronda Evans, LMFT Facebook Facebook IG LinkedIn WebsiteYou can follow Rikki Kumarhttps://vcfi.ca/about-us/#rikkiwww.vceft.ca
Welcome back for the next journey of The Family Express Podcast with Kathryn de Bruin and Ronda Evans where our destination is resilient and connected families. Today's guest is Gail Palmer, MSW, RMFT, one of the founders of EFFT. All Aboard !2:05. (Goal #2) Parental/Caregiver Intent.4:30. (Goal #1) Parent/Caregiver Buy-In. Clinician advocates for family therapy with parent involvement.6:40. Stage 1 is about helping the parent to become accessible, responsive and engaged. 10:10. (Goal #3) - Working with Parental/Caregiver Blocks). Gail and Kathryn talk about why we do the parent work in the order of parental intent first and then parental block(s).13:00. In Stage 1, we keep the focus on the parent in the parent/caregiving role.15:15. As Gail says, EFFT is family therapy and it is a child-centered therapy where everything we do with the parent is in service of the child.18:55. Gail recalls when she approached Sue Johnson with what makes EFFT different from EFCT: there is a power imbalance in the parent-child dyad and children cannot and do not hold equal responsibility for a negative interaction cycle.19:45. (Goal #4) Parent/Caregiver Accessibility (also called Openness). Once the parent block is processed, then parental accessibility can suddenly show up in session. Gail provides a concrete example of what parental accessibility and openness can sound like in the parent saying "I really want to do this different with you. I really want to listen more."20:55. Parental accessibility can suddenly show up and can suddenly get blocked again, for example, when once a child shares what has hurt them in their caregiver-child relationship, -- the caregiver can experience shame, grief, emotional pain, their own childhood attachment wounds or negative model of self.19:55. Ronda slows down the conversation here. Gail describes that when children risk and open up, then the parent can get blocked.25:15. Gail describes that there is a skill set for catching when a kid risks and opens up and the parent gets blocked. Gail describes skills of making the moment explicit and making sense of how come the block came up at this moment, and co-regulate with the parent, and we differentiate that this parent block is not about the child, and the child needs the clinician to make this transparent.29:53. Gail tells a story of her relationship with her daughter.32:15. Family resiliency is about families working through stuff together and getting comfortable with how things dynamically shift and change all the time. Thank you for listening! Kathryn de Bruin is an ICEEFT Certified EFT Trainer. Kathryn and Ronda are both licensed marriage and family therapists, EFT supervisors and therapists, and AAMFT Approved Supervisors.You can follow Kathryn de BruinFacebook YouTube IG Yelp Google + Twitter WebsiteYou can follow Ronda EvansFacebook Facebook IG LinkedIn Website You can follow Gail PalmerWebsite: https://banjo-triangle-m4ym.squarespace.com/
Relatietherapie met emoties als ingang tot verandering. Dat is waar EFCT om draait, vertelt klinisch psycholoog dr. Henk Jan Conradi in deze aflevering van de RINO Groep Podcast. ‘Emoties kunnen razendsnel bepaald gedrag triggeren.' Lees meer: https://bit.ly/45LynRM
What do we do when "Finally, I've found my person" becomes aggression and violence? Unfortunately this happens for many more couples than actually report it, because in many cases it can be successfully addressed. EFT Trainer Jef Slootmaeckers joins us from Belgium to share what he's learned about treating Interpersonal Violence in couples therapy.
The Love, Happiness and Success Podcast With Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby
Today: Learn how to strengthen your relationship at the deepest level using the principles of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. This evidence-based approach helps you repair your attachment bond, and actually transforms the way you both feel about each other. It's powerful stuff, and on today's episode you'll learn how to use EFT principles to stop negativity, and increase emotional connection in your relationship. All for you! Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com
Get to the heart of EFCT's upcoming murder mystery parody, Bloody Bay with an interview with the series' director, Callie Wills. Everything she says is a clue. Or none of it is. You never know unless you listen... Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/bloody-bay/donations
Sideshow by Coni Koepfinger :Koepfinger’s SIDESHOW opened in 1996 as a finalist in the “Upstairs Théatre New Play “ Contest; it was revived in 2015 in the New York “Unfringed Festival “ ... please join me as we welcome the Chicago cast of “Koepfinger’s Sideshow “ under the direction of Andrew J PondSynopsis: When a child has complications, every parent must make a choice. When family drama, self-doubt and medical and spiritual options seem to collide, will the couple accept advice from someone they know or a being from another dimension?Bio’s:Christopher John Grella is happy to be involved in such a unique play. Past projects have included: The Winter's Tale, 4x2, Change the Night Owl, Midsummer Night's Dream, Psycho Beach Party, Lady Macbeth, Emma, Unmatched, The Masque of the Red Death and Pride & Prejudice.Jessica Lauren Fisher is a founding member and the casting director for Eclectic Full Contact Theatre. She has performed throughout the Chicago and Indiana area in theatre, musicals, and opera playing everything from mice to men. Favorite roles include Lucy in Jekyll and Hyde, Adele in Die Fledermaus and Sarah Daniels in Spinning into Butter. She has been a teaching artist for over 10 years and has directed and choreographed shows for people of all ages. She is ever grateful to her family and her partner in everything Andrew. LVYA Mom!Christopher Wayland, originally from Baltimore, MD, currently works and resides in the Chicago area. There, he has worked at Porchlight Music Theatre, Marriott Theatre, 16th Street Theatre, Raven Theatre, Stage Left Theatre, First Folio Theatre, Oak Park Festival Theatre, Griffin Theatre, Teatro Vista, Haven, and Lifeline Theatre. Regionally he has worked at THEATREWORKS, Spotlighters Theatre, Fells Point Corner Theatre, and Baltimore Shakespeare Factory. His television credits include neXt (FOX), Chicago Med (NBC) and APB (FOX). Christopher received an MFA in Acting from The Theatre School at DePaul University, is a proud member of SAG-Aftra, and is represented by Gray Talent GroupJane Vincent is very happy to be part of this wonderful production. Jane has performed on stages throughout Chicagoland for many years. She is also known as a writer, having written a young adult novel, a stage play, and two screenplays, which are in pre-production, and as a producer.Joshua Stewart A former student at Columbia College Chicago has been looking for an opportunity to get back into theater after a long hiatus. Much Ado About Nothing (Actors Equity of Columbus), You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, Into The WoodsKaeley Osterman is the Resident Stage Manager with Eclectic Full Contact Theatre. Her recent credits include Charley’s Aunt (SM, St. Sebastian’s Players), Richard III (SM/Costume Designer, EFCT), and Proof (Costume Designer, MadKap Productions). She is also a voice actor on the podcast Throwing Shade (EFCT). She has a BA from Huntington University.Andrew J. Pond moved to Chicago in 2002 from South Florida, where he had studied with the likes of Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, José Quintero, and Charles Nelson Reilly. While there, he taught and directed at both InterAct Summer camp, and the Miami Shores Theatre's summer camp. Since moving to Chicago from the tropics (for the weather), he has worked extensively as an actor, director, and playwright with several children’s theatres, is a founder of Eclectic Full Contact Theatre in Chicago, teaches drama classes for all ages, is an Elvis impersonator, juggler, magician, balloon artist, plays with puppets, does Muppet voices, performs stand-up comedy, and has a degree in philosophy so he can use words like “epistemology” at parties.Other than that, he is completely normal. Thanks to Jessica, his partner in all things.
Sideshow by Coni Koepfinger :Koepfinger’s SIDESHOW opened in 1996 as a finalist in the “Upstairs Théatre New Play “ Contest; it was revived in 2015 in the New York “Unfringed Festival “ ... please join me as we welcome the Chicago cast of “Koepfinger’s Sideshow “ under the direction of Andrew J PondSynopsis: When a child has complications, every parent must make a choice. When family drama, self-doubt and medical and spiritual options seem to collide, will the couple accept advice from someone they know or a being from another dimension?Bio’s:Christopher John Grella is happy to be involved in such a unique play. Past projects have included: The Winter's Tale, 4x2, Change the Night Owl, Midsummer Night's Dream, Psycho Beach Party, Lady Macbeth, Emma, Unmatched, The Masque of the Red Death and Pride & Prejudice.Jessica Lauren Fisher is a founding member and the casting director for Eclectic Full Contact Theatre. She has performed throughout the Chicago and Indiana area in theatre, musicals, and opera playing everything from mice to men. Favorite roles include Lucy in Jekyll and Hyde, Adele in Die Fledermaus and Sarah Daniels in Spinning into Butter. She has been a teaching artist for over 10 years and has directed and choreographed shows for people of all ages. She is ever grateful to her family and her partner in everything Andrew. LVYA Mom!Christopher Wayland, originally from Baltimore, MD, currently works and resides in the Chicago area. There, he has worked at Porchlight Music Theatre, Marriott Theatre, 16th Street Theatre, Raven Theatre, Stage Left Theatre, First Folio Theatre, Oak Park Festival Theatre, Griffin Theatre, Teatro Vista, Haven, and Lifeline Theatre. Regionally he has worked at THEATREWORKS, Spotlighters Theatre, Fells Point Corner Theatre, and Baltimore Shakespeare Factory. His television credits include neXt (FOX), Chicago Med (NBC) and APB (FOX). Christopher received an MFA in Acting from The Theatre School at DePaul University, is a proud member of SAG-Aftra, and is represented by Gray Talent GroupJane Vincent is very happy to be part of this wonderful production. Jane has performed on stages throughout Chicagoland for many years. She is also known as a writer, having written a young adult novel, a stage play, and two screenplays, which are in pre-production, and as a producer.Joshua Stewart A former student at Columbia College Chicago has been looking for an opportunity to get back into theater after a long hiatus. Much Ado About Nothing (Actors Equity of Columbus), You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown, Into The WoodsKaeley Osterman is the Resident Stage Manager with Eclectic Full Contact Theatre. Her recent credits include Charley’s Aunt (SM, St. Sebastian’s Players), Richard III (SM/Costume Designer, EFCT), and Proof (Costume Designer, MadKap Productions). She is also a voice actor on the podcast Throwing Shade (EFCT). She has a BA from Huntington University.Andrew J. Pond moved to Chicago in 2002 from South Florida, where he had studied with the likes of Burt Reynolds, Dom DeLuise, José Quintero, and Charles Nelson Reilly. While there, he taught and directed at both InterAct Summer camp, and the Miami Shores Theatre's summer camp. Since moving to Chicago from the tropics (for the weather), he has worked extensively as an actor, director, and playwright with several children’s theatres, is a founder of Eclectic Full Contact Theatre in Chicago, teaches drama classes for all ages, is an Elvis impersonator, juggler, magician, balloon artist, plays with puppets, does Muppet voices, performs stand-up comedy, and has a degree in philosophy so he can use words like “epistemology” at parties.Other than that, he is completely normal. Thanks to Jessica, his partner in all things.
I denne miniserien forteller Sondre Høysæter og Stein Magnus Olafsrud deg alt du trenger å vite for å forberede deg til og utføre Hope Challenge, og sykle med i kampen mot moderne slaveri. Sondre Høysæter er daglig leder for Hope for Justice. Stein Magnus Olafsrud er gründer for EFCT!. Sammen arrangerer de Hope Challenge.
I denne miniserien forteller Sondre Høysæter og Stein Magnus Olafsrud deg alt du trenger å vite for å forberede deg til og utføre Hope Challenge, og sykle med i kampen mot moderne slaveri. Sondre Høysæter er daglig leder for Hope for Justice. Stein Magnus Olafsrud er gründer for EFCT!. Sammen arrangerer de Hope Challenge.
I denne miniserien forteller Sondre Høysæter og Stein Magnus Olafsrud deg alt du trenger å vite for å forberede deg til og utføre Hope Challenge, og sykle med i kampen mot moderne slaveri. Sondre Høysæter er daglig leder for Hope for Justice. Stein Magnus Olafsrud er gründer for EFCT!. Sammen arrangerer de Hope Challenge.
Today we want to lift the hood on the world of marriage counseling and look at one particular approach and how it works. If you’ve ever been curious about what happens in the counseling room or are considering counseling there’s a lot more to it than you might think! The Mystery of Marriage Counseling The world of counseling may seem like a mysterious or even intimidating place to those who know little about it. There’s a stigma around mental health itself, and although a distressed marriage is not a mental health problem, we rarely talk about our struggles as a couple. We like to appear like we have it all together and I think us church-going folk are even more prone to this. But then you do hear the horror stories when things don’t go well and people open up. Some terrible advice comes from people who call themselves counselors. So then when it comes to choosing a marriage counselor it can be pretty scary because your marriage is a big deal and you don’t want to the wrong person trying to help you with it! Basic Marriage Counselor Criteria Now I want to say that this article is not an extended advertisement for our services, but the things I am going to tell you are important facts you need to know, whether you decide to work with someone from my counseling practice or find a local counselor. The first thing is that not all counseling degrees are created equal. When a person is earning their Master’s degree in order to become a therapist, their school and the degree program they choose will generally orient itself around a particular school of thought. Of course, there are a plethora of flavors. But when it comes to marriage counseling you should know that there are a number of universities around North America that offer marriage and family therapy programs specifically. These kinds of degrees have less focus on specific mental health problems like anxiety disorders or even addictions, and they focus very much on relationships, how humans interact, how children learn to love and relate to others, on marriage dynamics and on family systems. So when you choose a therapist the first thing you should filter on is their education: do they have a degree that specializes in marriage and family? And usually you’ll see this in the letters after their last name in that either their degree will look like MAMFT (Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy) or their certifying body will supply MFT credentials like LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). If you’re not sure, ask about the person’s training. The second thing you want to look for is whether the therapist has a specific approach to marriage counseling that is evidence-based. “Evidence-based” means that they are using a treatment approach which has been tested and tried through research and peer-reviewed journals. Surprisingly, there are only a handful of marriage approaches that have been rigorously tested in this way, and so if you want to give you marriage the best chance of success you would do well to ensure you are selecting a counselor who uses an evidence based approach. Otherwise you’ll have no idea whether what you’re being told actually works or not. Probably the two most popular evidence-based counseling approaches are Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (sometimes called EFT or EFCT) and the Gottman Method. I have taken specific training in both of these, on top of my MFT degree, as has my colleague in my practice, Jesse Schellenberg. They are quite different but very complementary. Both of us favor EFCT as our preferred approach: about 90% of couples show significant improvements using this approach and we’ll talk more about success rates in a moment, but 90% is incredible. How EFCT Works Key Principles Now, I am going to work hard to break the scientific jargon and psychobabble into English here but there are some key principles in this approach to marriage counseling that are important (Gurman et al, 2015[i])
Final episode of my 8 part Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Series. Couples Therapist Leigh Conant discusses how couples can avoid divorce, can relationships survey physical and mental abuse, and Leigh predicts that emotional safety will be the biggest relationship trend in the next 5 years. Have relationship questions? Email: sarah@heyfrase.com
On part 7 of our 8 part Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy podcast series therapist Leigh Conant talks about the 'highs and lows' exercise she recommends all couples do. Leigh says that doing the highs and lows exercise weekly or daily is pivotal to a healthy relationship. Have relationship questions? Email: sarah@heyfrase.com
We hear the buzz term ‘love language’ all the time but how important is it to a healthy relationship? Does everyone really have a love language? Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist Leigh Conant breaks down the importance of love language to a healthy relationship and reveals some of the biggest mistakes couples make when trying to find their love language.
Not only can relationships survive cheating but lots of times infidelity is what brings couples back together!? WHAT!? Mind blown. Everything we were taught about relationships was wrong. Ha. Plus, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist Leigh Conant discusses if open relationships really work, and if monogamy is realistic. Episode 5 if part of an 8-part series on dating and relationships
Do you and your partner have the same fight over and over? You fight about money, sex, your in-laws? Leigh Conant is a Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist who takes us through and exercise called the 'infinity loop' this exercise helps couples identify their toxic cycle and how to correct it. Leigh and Sarah have teamed up for an 8-part couples therapy podcast. Find love, keep love, share love
Why are relationships so hard? Technology, addiction, and people waiting for the ‘perfect’ person is now playing a major role in dating and long-term relationships. Leigh Conant is a Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist in Falls Church, VA. Leigh says that more people need to work on themselves before they can find the right partner. Leigh walks us through how we can heal ourselves and what healthy relationships look like today.
Men!? Why don't they want to talk about their feelings when it comes to relationships? Turns out it isn't just men, women shut down in relationships too. Leigh Conant is an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. On today's episode she discuss how you can get thru to a partner is who is emotionally cut off, and why sometimes women are worse than men when it comes to expressing themselves.
Do you ever get the sense that an unseen force is at work in your marriage? I’m not going all woo-woo on you here, but what if you could identify that force, understand it, and then use your marriage as a place of healing? If you've been through some kind of deeply traumatic experience then it's perfectly reasonable to expect that it will have had some effect on you as a person. But trauma can also have a big impact on your marriage, often without you even knowing. How big of a deal is trauma? I wanted to examine this because I see it at play in a lot of marriages and I am hoping that by reading this you will be able to self-evaluate your circumstances to see if this is relevant or helpful. Trauma has different definitions and can be caused by many different things. Experiences such as childhood illness or hospitalization, near death encounters or experiences where death is witnessed, accidents, extremes like genocide and war, rape or torture are all examples of situations where trauma may result. Basically any deeply distressing or disturbing experience can result in trauma. Often you’ll see this where a person’s ability to cope is simply overwhelmed and you end up feeling powerless. What’s interesting about trauma is the rule of nine. If you have events on a scale where zero is not a big deal and nine is witnessing something really terrible, the rule of nine is about how there are different figures you can multiply together to get to nine. If you experience one incident at a nine level of intensity you can have trauma as a result. Or you could also get it from having three incidents at a three-level; none of the incidents on their own would be big enough, but they add up together to a traumatic experience. Or even nine events that are a one level of intensity, where you have repeated exposure to something “small” that’s not big enough by itself, but by repeated exposure, it works up a trauma response. So trauma ends up being the emotional response you carry to a very negative event or series of events. Trauma is a normal reaction to painful or difficult experiences but it can impact your ability to cope with normal life. And it can also have a major effect on your marriage. How Trauma Impacts Marriage A study from 2000[i] looked at 96 couples where at least one spouse reported a history of childhood abuse. Of course, that would be a likely source of trauma. These couples exhibit some particular attributes. So we’ll look at what these are and then why they appear, and then examine how we can help heal this. This study made a few observations. First, if one or both spouse reported a history of physical and/or sexual abuse in childhood the couple was more likely to experience lower relationship satisfaction and higher individual stress symptoms than couples where neither spouse reported an abuse history. This is why we are dealing with the subject of trauma: it can impact marriages for sure! They also noted that couples with a history of childhood abuse scored lower on cohesion than non-abuse couples. Cohesion is about the closeness of the couple- the emotional bonds they share. So there is more distance experienced in marriages where childhood abuse has been part of one or both spouse’s history. It is common for individuals who have experienced abuse to report that they experience emotional distance and isolation. So yes, this definitely has the potential to touch marriages. If you’re reading this and it feels familiar, just stay with me though: we have good news for you later on. Why Does Trauma Affect Marriage? We’ve talked about attachment before — the science of love or the love bond that exists between two spouses. Trauma impacts attachment and, related to that, one’s ability to be emotionally engaged. Let’s talk about some examples of what this looks like based on the work of Johnson and Williams-Keller[ii]. By the way, this is Sue Johnson who has really pioneered EFCT— the approach to couples’ therapy that ...
A Brief History and intro to EFCT's Throwing Shade. Wet yer whistle!
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