Podcasts about emotionally focused couples therapy

Harness Resilient Thinking and Rewrite Your Story with Hope Kelaher In this episode, you'll hear: How to harness resilience in relationships, breakups, and career challenges The power of reframing perspectives and finding a balance between letting go and caring Techniques to deepen personal awareness and break free from limiting narratives Practical framework for setting and achieving meaningful goals with confidence Hope Kelaher is a licensed clinical social worker with a private practice in lower Manhattan, specializing in individual, couple, and family therapy. A graduate of Johns Hopkins University and Columbia School of Social Work, Hope brings over a decade of experience helping individuals and families navigate challenges like loss, addiction, trauma, and poverty. Her background includes roles at Children's Aid and the Mental Health Association of New York City, where she worked extensively with children and adults facing serious mental health issues, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and relationship challenges. Hope has advanced training from the Ackerman Institute for the Family, as well as certifications in Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy and Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In this episode, Mathew, Dr. Frank, and Hope discuss the transformative power of resilience, exploring how to build and resource it in the face of life's challenges, including relationships, breakups, and career struggles. They discuss the importance of reframing perspectives, letting go without apathy, and gaining personal awareness to navigate adversity with strength. The conversation highlights how the narratives we tell ourselves can either propel us forward or keep us stuck, and introduces a practical framework for setting and achieving meaningful goals. Hope also shares insights from her new book, The Resilience Workbook for Women: A Transformative Guide to Discover Your Inner Strength, Conquer Adversity, and Achieve Your Goals, offering actionable strategies for growth and self-reliance. “Fear and hope come from the same place, the unknown, and you get to choose.” Follow the podcast:  Listen on Apple Podcasts (link: https://apple.co/3s1YH7h)  Listen on iHeart (link: https://ihr.fm/3MEY7FM)  Listen on Spotify (Link: https://spoti.fi/3yMmQCE)    Resources: Hope Kelaher Website Hope Kelaher Instagram Dr. Frank Bevaqua  The Resilience Workbook for Women: A Transformative Guide to Discover Your Inner Strength, Conquer Adversity, and Achieve Your Goals by Hope Kelaher Under the Tuscan Sun (Film)   Connect with Mathew Blades:  Twitter - twitter.com/MathewBlades Instagram - instagram.com/MathewBladesmedia/  Facebook - facebook.com/mathewbladesmedia/  Website - learnfrompeoplewholivedit.com/   Additional Credits: LFPWLI is managed by IMS LLC

We interviewed Kathryn Rheem, Ed.D., LMFT, a therapist and trainer in Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy (KAP) with couples, using ketamine as a tool to help couples feel unstuck and deepen their work in couples therapy. Kathryn is a therapist in private practice treating couples, individuals, and families, co-director of the Washington Baltimore Center for Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and co-founder of the EFT Cafe, which offers online classes for couples therapists. She is also the co-author of An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Relationship Loss: Healing Heartbreak Session by Session. In our podcast, we explore Ketamine Assisted Psychotherapy, a new frontier in mental health treatment. We discuss the effects of ketamine, what it treats, why it can be so helpful in therapy, and how it's used to improve couples' relationships. LOVELINK is hosted by Brooklyn-based therapists Dr. Signe Simon and Dr. Simone Humphrey. To learn more about our work, visit modernmind.co. If you'd like to contact us directly, send us an email to info@modernmind.co. --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/lovelink/support

Lori joins Dr. Dave Schramm and Dr. Liz Hale to discuss the common issues thatresult in a mid-life or “gray” divorce. About Lori Schade:Lori Schade is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and AAMFT approved therapysupervisor running a therapy practice in Pleasant Grove Utah called CompassionateConnections Counseling. She specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy andsupervises therapists towards certification in the model. She has been an adjunct facultymember in the Marriage and Family Therapy Department at Brigham Young University as wellas Utah Valley University. For over three decades she has practiced therapy alternately withraising seven children and has published several peer reviewed materials related to herprofession. In her spare time she enjoys running, traveling, tandem bike riding with herhusband, knitting and playing the organ. She is convinced the grandchildren are one of life'sbest kept secrets. Insights: “There's always hope. I have a very easy time being hopeful for married couples, sometimes I have to say, ‘borrow my hope.’ I actually got that from Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. And I think it's so lovely. And a lot of times small changes bring about really large changes in dynamics in marriage.” - Lori Schade “There are two kinds of commitment. One is personal commitment, where you feel free to exercise where you want to put your loyalty. The term is kind of like restraint. It's actually called constraint commitment, and constraint commitment are all of those variables that keep people feeling stuck. It might be religious beliefs, it might be children in the home, it might be financial constraints, but there are those things where people might divorce but they stay there because they feel these barriers to divorce? And so sometimes at midlife, those are removed. And so I think it's quite possible that that's also why we might see a resurgence of divorce and at that time.” -Lori Schade Invites: Find time in your week to have a connection check-in with your partner by asking these three questions. How connected are we from last time we checked? More or less or the same? What's been happening in our lives that may have impacted the level of connection? What is one small thing that would help me feel more connected?" Reach out to a therapist to learn more about Emotionally Focused Therapy to see if it could potentially strengthen your relationship with your partner. Lori’s Links: Compassionate Connections Counseling WebsiteBook mentioned by Lori: The Lost Love Chronicles: Reunions & Memories of First Love by Nancy Kalish Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: StrongerMarriage.orgpodcast.strongermarriage.orgFacebook: StrongerMarriage.orgInstagram: @strongermarriagelife Dr. Dave Schramm: https://drdaveschramm.com https://drdavespeaks.com Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU Facebook Marriage Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642 Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/

Are there parts of you that you try to push away? I've definitely rejected the part of me that's scared of rejection. Denial, numbing and overriding only brings short term relief. Listen in as adoptee and therapist Joellen shares what she's learned about embracing all of herself so we can embrace all of ourselves.Here's a bit about Joellen from her website I am a clinical psychologist with over twenty years of private practice experience doing individual, couples, family therapy and psychological testing.  I received a doctorate degree from The University of Texas at Austin in Clinical Psychology.  I am also trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy, Filial and Child-Focused Play therapies.  My work integrates attachment, psychodynamic, neurobiological and CBT theories.  Finally, I have an extensive background working with all members of the adoption triad. This includes individual therapy, leading groups, legislative advocacy, and public speaking.https://joellenpeters.com/https://www.linkedin.com/in/joellenpetershttps://www.instagram.com/joellen.peters/

Melissa is a licensed therapist in private practice in South Carolina.  She has been in practice for 19 years and she specializes in working with couples and with adults with complex trauma.  She is a Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, an EMDRIA-Approved EMDR Consultant and Clinician and she's in her Advanced Year in becoming a Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. She can be found on Instagram, Facebook, and TikTok @melissaparkssays www.melissaparkstherapy.com You can access Kinas workshops, support her work via Patreon and view her practice website here: ⁠https://linktr.ee/cptsdtherapist

Are you and your partner struggling to communicate about sex and intimacy? Join us as I talk with Elizabeth "Liz" Polinsky, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Liz offers her expertise on navigating conversations about sexual desire, boundaries, and past experiences, while also shedding light on the impact of sexual trauma and societal messages on our relationships.Dive into the complexities of sexual distress within relationships and learn how to determine when it's time to seek help. We discuss the intricacies of infidelity, balancing different levels of sexual desire, and finding harmony during the early stages of a relationship. With Liz's guidance, you'll gain valuable insights and practical tools to strengthen your emotional and sexual connection with your partner.Finally, we address the often-taboo subject of non-monogamy and its role in healthy relationships. Together, we explore the shift in cultural attitudes towards monogamy, the differences between infidelity and non-monogamy, and how to approach these hard conversations with your partner. By the end of this episode, you'll feel empowered to embrace your sexual desires, navigate differences in adventurousness, and understand the nuances between sex drive and emotional closeness. Don't miss this candid and informative discussion with the insightful Liz Polinsky!Elizabeth Polinsky is a marriage counselor and the host of The Communicate & Connect Podcast for Military Relationships. Counseling Website: www.ElizabethPolinskyCounseling.comPodcast Website: www.communicateandconnectpodcast.com Facebook & Instagram: @LizPolinskyThis podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcastFeel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.comIf you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6 Support the showwww.bethtrammell.com

Helena A. Johnson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist located in the Research Triangle here in North Carolina. She has earned her Master's degree in Marriage, Family, and Couple Counseling from Capella University and her Bachelor's degree in Psychology minoring in Child Development and Family Relations. She is currently training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Sex therapy. She is the owner and therapist of Helena A. Johnson Counseling Services where she services couples and individuals. Her practice works to address and heal those who struggle with sexual trauma, sexual dysfunction, low libido, anxiety, depression, communication issues, trust issues, infidelity recovery, conflict resolution, and parenting. Is this episode Helena will address what's your relationship with food Do you eat when you are bored, stressed, or hungry? https://helenajohnsoncounseling.com/ https://instagram.com/helena_the_therapist?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA== https://www.helpguide.org/articles/diets/emotional-eating.htm https://www.mindful.org/6-ways-practice-mindful-eating/

Click here to learn more about The Couples Therapist Inner Circle Polyvagal Theory is a concept that is gaining a lot of momentum in the therapy world and has been written about a lot by Stephen Porges and Deb Dana. In this episode Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen talks all about Polyvagal Theory and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Becca is a university professor and EFT trainer.  Find out more about her at drrebeccajorgensen.com To explore options for EFT trainings go to https://www.trieft.org/ The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. I'm Shane Birkel and my goal is to bring you interviews with experts in the field of couples therapy each week. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes. Learn more about joining the Couples Therapist Inner Circle

Growing up in divorced families, we've always been hyper-aware of the so-called "happily ever after" myth in marriages. As married women and EFT-trained couples therapists, we discuss our unique perspectives on what makes a happy marriage and the challenges that come with it. But what does "happily ever after" really mean, and is it even achievable? In today's episode, we dive into the pitfalls of unmet marriage expectations and explore the importance of redefining "happily ever after" for each couple. It's not about perfection but rather openness, connection, and willingness to turn toward one another despite adversity. Join us for an honest conversation about the realities of married life. Let's challenge the traditional notion of "happily ever after" together and redefine what it means to be truly committed to one another. With open dialogue and a commitment to growth, perhaps we can find our own unique version of happiness in our relationships. Notes Regarding Today's Episode: The quote referenced in today's episode is by the great Esther Perel, who states, “Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier.” For more information visit her website: https://www.estherperel.com/ For more information on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy visit: https://iceeft.com/what-is-eft/ Connect with Us: Follow Honest Women Podcast @honestwomenpodcast Follow Jessica: @jlhutchisonlcpc Follow Andrea: @andreaburkly Learn more about the Honest Women Podcast: www.honestwomenpodcast.com Honest Women is the podcast for every woman juggling the demands of modern life (while trying to keep her shit together) and finding that it's all just a little more difficult than she thought it would be. Your hosts, Andrea Burkly and Jessica Hutchison, are two very real mental health professionals who are taking honest conversations from inside their offices to the outside world. Disclaimer: Please note while this podcast features two therapists, and may feel very therapeutic, this is not therapy! Please be entertained, and know that through our creative content, we are not providing mental health care. No diagnosis. No treatment. No medical advice. Just creative content. Please seek appropriate mental health support in the real world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your expert counselor Figs O Sullivan is here to guide your back to connection using Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy and the Empathi Method. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please consider donating so I may continue to create free content https://www.podpage.com/speaking-podcast/support/ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speaking Podcast Social Media / Coaching My Other Podcasts https://bio.link/podcaster ==================== Bio of Figs O Sullivan: Figs O'Sullivan is the emotional mentor thought leaders come to. As the creator of the world-class Empathi Method for personal and interpersonal growth, Figs has pushed the boundaries of what it means to be a specialist in the human condition.That means no surface-level insights, quick tactics, or band-aids. This is the real deal. What we Discussed: - What Fiachra means - His Speaking Journey and problems with his accent - His Qualifications - Growing up in a family of therapists - His Podcast with his wife and sharing their vulnerabilities - When Co-hosting to not hog the stage - What to do if only one of the couples want therapy - When one of the clients want the therapist to be same sex in order to relate better - His Online course - How they match the client with the therapists on their team - Why they are very transparent with their fees - What to do when a partners belittles a partner in public - When there are different parenting styles in the household - How Relevant are the 5 Love Languages - The meaning behind Empathi - His Social Media Tips and more How to Contact Figs O Sullivan: https://empathi.com/ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnPbjlO6Q0KBXVHXeGyivlw https://www.linkedin.com/company/empathi/ https://www.facebook.com/EmpathiNow/ =============== Speaking Podcast Social Media / Coaching My Other Podcasts + Donations https://bio.link/podcaster Facebookhttps://www.facebook.com/speakingpodcast/ Store https://www.podpage.com/speaking-podcast/store/ Donations  https://www.podpage.com/speaking-podcast/support/ --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/roy-coughlan/message

Listen in as Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz invite back to the show Geoff Steurer, specialist onbetrayal trauma, to talk about how couples can bounce back and move forward after trust is broken in the relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing betrayal trauma, this is an episode you don't want to miss! Timestamps: 0:00 – Introduction: Who is Dr. Geoff Steurer?3:00 – What is betrayal trauma?5:35 – Most people initially stay with their partner after being betrayed7:49 – Quick trust does not exist, you can't quickly trust somebody9:56 – Both the hurt partner and the betrayer are on their own paths of recovery11:26 – The marriage goes through a recovery process too13:55 – Tearing yourself down does not help you & it doesn't help who you've hurt15:58 – Recovery means being willing to talk about the betrayal17:00 – People can change; there is healing on the other side of betrayal trauma20:15 – Coming clean versus being found out - how it affects the recovery process22:13 – There are no quick fixes when it comes to betrayal & emotion & connection24:50 – Engage in healing; you'll feel better eventually doing the healing work26:48 – What is the role of parents whose adult child is experiencing betrayal trauma?29:19 – A message to those who are on the edge of betraying their partner31:06 – Let's not be afraid to talk about attraction and chemistry33:16 – Make sure there's not enough space between you and your partner for someone else36:21 – Geoff's takeaway: there's nothing, in terms of your emotions and experiences and feelings and needs, that your marriage can't handle37:09 – Liz's takeaway: People have the tools, talents, resources, and abilities to handlesomething as excruciatingly painful as betrayal37:39 – Dave's takeaway: Be very mindful and intentional in your relationship Insights: Dave: When both partners are committed to doing the work, it brings hope into the relationship Liz: Good people make mistakes, good people betray Geoff: The structure and institution of marriage is sturdy and stable and it's big enough to hold all of our fears, worries, insecurities, temptations and struggles Invites:    ●   If you find yourself flirting or looking forward to interacting with someone of theopposite sex, get honest with yourself and your partner about it. Don't be afraid to talkabout attraction.   ●    Keep it a little awkward with people you could be attracted to. Keep that distance there and don't build so much familiarity.   ●    If someone you love is going through betrayal trauma, get educated and understand the process. Learn how to keep your own emotional balance and know what to say/what not to say. “You don't want to become a piece of debris in somebody else's tornado”. About Geoff Steurer: Geoff Steurer has a passionate commitment to helping couples rebuild theirrelationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in helping couples and individualsaffected by the trauma of sexual betrayal. He understands how exhilarating and stressfulmarriage can be and works hard at his own marriage. His goal is to show couples how his work will pay off in their own lives. Steurer specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, treating pornography and sexual addictions, infidelity, men's issues, anxiety, depression, anger management, and family therapy. He is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn", creator of the "Trust Building Bootcamp", host of the podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and author of a weekly online Q&A column. Geoff Steurer Links: Geoff's Website Couples Counseling Geoff Steurer Podcast Facebook Instagram    Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org podcast.strongermarriage.org Facebook: StrongerMarriage.orgInstagram: @strongermarriagelifeTikTok: @strongermarriagelife Dr. Dave Schramm: https://drdaveschramm.com https://drdavespeaks.com Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642   Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/See our website for privacy information.

In this episode, I speak with Sheila about her lifelong work of working with clients with shame. She explained that she got interested in this subject from her experience as a child and being shy, but overcoming it by becoming a children's magician and performing. She explained how she trained in a number of approaches such as Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Drama Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, AEPD, Accelerated Experiential-Dynamic Psychotherapy, Hakomi and others, but wasn't finding a particular approach really addressing shame. She discussed how she helps clients to understand that shame has an evolutionary purpose, both in protecting us when we are young, but also helping us to evolve in the present, using it as a signal the client to set boundaries, make changes, and take risks to be more of their authentic self. Sheila talked about how shame is evolutionary by subduing an anger response towards a parent, because it might not be safe, or threaten the connection with parents. She talks about the continuum of shame, which goes from stage fright or imposter syndrome, to never feeling good enough, having a lot of shoulds and perfectionism, and all the way to experiences of humiliation. She discussed how PolyVagal Theory was a great addition to the puzzle, where she was able to have language and a biological explanation for the freeze or shut down that happens for someone when shame comes up. Sheila discussed noticing it in the moment, in the session, when the interpersonal bridge breaks, and helping clients to see the shame, and how it shifts their nervous system. She talked about working with the inner critic, the parent who might have been the critic, using parts work and drama therapy to help clients replay those experiences and becoming the person that could be the hero and protect and save their younger parts. Sheila discussed how helping clients to use mindfulness to notice when the shame comes up, sitting with it, and using compassion for themselves, leads them to be able to be open, rather than shutting down. Sheila Rubin, LMFT, RDT/BCT is a marriage and family therapist and a leading authority on Healing Shame. She developed the Healing Shame Therapy work over the last two decades and is the co-director, with Bret Lyon, of the Center for Healing Shame. in Berkeley, California. Sheila has delivered talks, presentations and workshops across the country and around the world, at conferences from Canada to Romania. She is a Board Certified Trainer through NADTA and past adjunct faculty for the CIIS Drama Therapy Program and JFK University's Somatic Psychology Department. Sheila's expertise, teaching, and writing contributions have been featured in numerous publications, including seven books. Her writings on shame include the chapter “Women, Food and Feelings: Drama Therapy with Women Who Have Eating Disorders” in the book The Creative Therapies and Eating Disorders, the chapter “Almost Magic: Working with the Shame that Underlies Depression: Using Drama Therapy in the Imaginal Realm” in the book The Use of Creative Therapies in Treating Depression, and the chapter “Unpacking Shame and Healthy Shame: Therapy on the Phone or Internet” in Combining the Creative Therapies with Technology: Using Social Media and Online Counseling to Treat Clients (all books edited by Stephanie L. Brooke). Sheila offers therapy through her private practice in Berkeley and online via Zoom. She also provides consultations to therapists via Skype and leads workshops in Berkeley, internationally, and online. You can learn more about her workshops, writing, and on demand trainings at www.HealingShame.com

Dr. Sue Johnson (Hold Me Tight) is a clinical psychologist and author. Dr. Sue Johnson joins the Armchair Expert to discuss the differences between practical and theoretical psychology, why acknowledging that people's emotions are real is important, and how humans have an organic need to be social. Dax and Sue talk about how men are taught to not be vulnerable, why people want to feel like they matter to other people, and why humans should be curious about other humans' experiences. Sue explains where she learned to observe the world around her, how physical health is connected to emotional health, and why couples often fight with each other. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT joins Dr. Dave and Dr. Liz to discuss betrayal trauma and the three A’s: abuse, affairs and addiction. Geoff shares some great tips to help both partners through the challenges and struggles of the trauma that is often the result. About Geoff Steurer: Geoff Steurer has a passionate commitment to helping couples rebuild theirrelationships from crisis to connection. He specializes in helping couples and individualsaffected by the trauma of sexual betrayal. He understands how exhilarating and stressfulmarriage can be and works hard at his own marriage. His goal is to show couples how his work will pay off in their own lives.Steurer specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, treating pornography andsexual addictions, infidelity, men's issues, anxiety, depression, anger management, andfamily therapy. He is the co-author of "Love You, Hate the Porn", creator of the "TrustBuilding Bootcamp", host of the podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and author of aweekly online Q&A column. Geoff Steurer Links:https://www.geoffsteurer.com/https://www.geoffsteurer.com/podcast https://www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT https://www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ Insights:Dave: Reach out, reach out for help and find someone you trust to speak with.Liz: Hope. There is so much to be hopeful about. Believe in marriage and look at the other side.Geoff: Learn to see the other person as someone who is different than you are. Invites:     - Learn how to stay close to your partner so you can find your way back to each other       when dealing with betrayal and trauma     - Don’t be afraid of the truth, your marriage can handle it     - Recognize that there are a lot of people who struggle with these things, do not feel       ashamed. Get help and know you are not alone.     - Take the 12 week self-guided online course if you have broken someone’s trust. Visit our site for FREE relationship resources and regular giveaways: Strongermarriage.org podcast.strongermarriage.org Facebook: StrongerMarriage.orgInstagram: @strongermarriagelifeTikTok: @strongermarriagelife Dr. Dave Schramm: https://drdaveschramm.com https://drdavespeaks.com Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/DrDaveUSU Facebook Marriage Group:https://www.facebook.com/groups/770019130329579 Facebook Parenting Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/542067440314642   Dr. Liz Hale: http://www.drlizhale.com/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Want to level up your relationship and be that unshakable powerhouse couple? Laila Presotto is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, having been trained by Dr. John Gottman, who is a leading research scientist on marriage and family with over 25 years of landmark research and is the author of several books including “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work” and “And Baby Makes Three”. Laila uses this method when working with couples to help turn their relationship problems around and create a stronger and more resilient union. The goal of this method is to help couples break through barriers in order to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationship. It can help couples learn how to work through potentially destructive problems, how to detect the most common stumbling blocks within a relationship and more importantly, how to avoid them altogether. These intervention and assessment strategies are based upon data taken from Dr. Gottman's study of more than 3000 couples. Laila is also certified in Dr. Sue Johnson's externship in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, where couples learn to recognize how to de-escalate problematic cycles and restore their emotional bonds. Dr. Sue Johnson is the author of “Hold me Tight” and “Love Sense”.

Want to level up your relationship and be that unshakable powerhouse couple? Laila Presotto is a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, having been trained by Dr. John Gottman, who is a leading research scientist on marriage and family with over 25 years of landmark research and is the author of several books including “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage work” and “And Baby Makes Three”. Laila uses this method when working with couples to help turn their relationship problems around and create a stronger and more resilient union. The goal of this method is to help couples break through barriers in order to achieve greater understanding, connection and intimacy in their relationship. It can help couples learn how to work through potentially destructive problems, how to detect the most common stumbling blocks within a relationship and more importantly, how to avoid them altogether. These intervention and assessment strategies are based upon data taken from Dr. Gottman's study of more than 3000 couples. Laila is also certified in Dr. Sue Johnson's externship in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, where couples learn to recognize how to de-escalate problematic cycles and restore their emotional bonds. Dr. Sue Johnson is the author of “Hold me Tight” and “Love Sense”.

All the questions you have wanted to ask a marriage counselor but haven't had the chance. Join Rabbi Nechemia Schusterman , Raizel Schusterman  and Mr. Zev Lamm LCSW as we sit down and discuss important marriage ideas. Moshe Zev Lamm, LCSW is a couple's therapist with a private practice in Monsey, NY. He has lectured extensively on the topic of marriage to both couples seeking to enhance their relationships as well as to professional therapists seeking a deeper understanding of the couple's therapy process. His clinical methodology combines Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Internal Family Systems. Moshe Zev can be reached at mzlammlcsw@gmail.com To sponsor an episode in honor of a loved one or to promote your business please email Raizel@jewishpeabody.com To learn more about Positive coaching go to www.apositivecoach.com  --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/apositivepodcast/support

In this episode, Leanne talks about her experience working with Sue Johnson on the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) efficacy research, and her involvement with EFT and Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT). We discuss the EFT and EFIT approaches, and Leanne explains how in both EFT and EFIT, the therapist uses the attachment frame and EFT Tango (macro set of interventions) to help clients tune into and deepen their emotional experience in the context of the ‘safe haven' alliance created by the therapist. We discuss the use of imaginary conversations between the client and their younger selves or others in their life (Move 3 of the Tango), as well as other moves of the Tango such as processing the encounter (Move 4) – what the client felt, what the reaction is from the other in the imagined encounter, what blocks might emerge and how they are managed. We discuss trauma and how we work with trauma within the couple context, and Leanne shared her work with clients. She talked about a couple in one session where the husband was deferring to his wife, and how trauma, especially longstanding developmental trauma, impacts an evolving sense of self. She reflected the process, deepened the client's experience, and helped the partner access and share previously disavowed aspects of self and associated vulnerability. We discuss the EFT approach to working with present process, not necessarily focusing on the past relationships of childhood, but at times connecting with the past experiences that are triggered in the couple relationship. She shared a story about a couple where the one partner felt anxious when his wife became dissociated, and through processing this with the couple, his wife was able to share her experience, leading him to realize he was not being rejected, and that she would like him to be with her and help ground her by putting his hand on her leg. Leanne also shares an EFIT example of a client working through trauma and processing unprocessed emotions associated with the imaginal scene of a traumatic event. T. Leanne Campbell, Ph.D., is an international speaker, writer, trainer, and co-developer of EFT-related educational programs and materials. Most recently, she co-authored the first basic EFIT (Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy) text with Dr. Sue Johnson, A Primer for Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT): Cultivating Fitness and Growth in Every Client (Routledge, 2021), as well as a workbook for therapists training in EFT (see Furrow et al., Routledge, 2022). Known for her expertise in the areas of loss and trauma, Leanne has provided hundreds of psychological assessment reports for forensic/legal and personal injury matters being considered before various levels of Court, as well as insurance companies and bodies involved in adjudicating personal injury and other loss- and trauma-based claims. In addition to maintaining a full-time private practice, providing individual, couple and family therapy and assessment services, Leanne currently co-manages a multi-site practice comprised of twenty-five clinicians and is a site co-ordinator for an Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT) outcome study. You can learn more about Leanne's work at www.eftvancouverisland.com.

In the first episode of our Couples Series, Reka & Kris Kluver discuss Strategic Planning, individually and as a couple.  They discuss the framework of Living Life on Your Terms.  Specifically, Supporting each other's dreams and goals Pivoting in your career Helping others achieve their goals ========================================== Bios: Reka is the founder and owner of Omaha-Counseling.com, a highly successful in-person and virtual couples and individual counseling and coaching practice.  She is the co-founder of the LifeOn-YourTerms.com programs with her husband, Kris Kluver.  Reka believes that each person has a life's path – and sometimes, all they need is help finding where to begin. Together, Kris and Reka have written several books, and they work with individuals and couples to guide them in finding balance, defining success, dreaming, and building their ideal life. This is achieved through a proven process and tools that Reka and Kris have created, along with their candid, compassionate facilitation. This growth is offered through one-on-one advisory work, couples retreats, and couples and individual workshops, as well as virtual workshops. Some of Reka's life experiences include growing up in London as the first English-born child of immigrant parents, working as an accountant for a venture capital firm, taking two years off and traveling the world, moving to the US and marrying an Omaha local, navigating infertility, owning a small business, being married to an entrepreneur, having 21 years of marriage experience, going back to school at 40 and changing professional directions, becoming an athlete in her 40s, qualifying for and running the Boston Marathon, becoming an ultra-marathon runner, and learning to embrace her best self. Reka is a graduate of the University of Colorado Denver with a master's degree in Counseling Psychology and Counselor Education (with an emphasis in Couples and Family Therapy), and has extensive training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, a technique rooted in empowerment, love, and bonding, that guides couples towards reconnection. Reka has completed the Co-Active Training Institute's Coach Training Program and is a graduate and member of the Association of Chartered Certified Accountants, the global body for professional accountants. Reka splits her time between her retreat center/home in the high country of Leadville, Colorado and Omaha, Nebraska. To explore if working with Reka is a fit for you, contact her at reka@omaha-counseling.com or 402.881.8125. ==========================================Kris Kluver is a dedicated speaker, facilitator, advisor, seasoned entrepreneur, and bestselling author of The Aspiring Solopreneur: Your Business Start-Up Bible as well as The Fable: Life on Your Terms, part of the Defining What's Next series. He has helped thousands of individuals, couples, and organizations find balance and achieve more than they ever thought possible using simple tools, candid facilitation, and unique stories. Kris is a Certified Speaker with EO, the Entrepreneur Organization and a graduate of the EO Global Speakers Academy. Kris has extensive speaking and virtual speaking experience both nationally and internationally with groups ranging from CEO's to university students. Kris empowers others to achieve success through real-life examples, stories and analogies. Understanding that everyone is in one of four stages of life; Stabilize, Visualize, Strategize or Execute, Kris meets people where they are at by integrating his extensive business strategy experience with proven tools and a fun attitude. Once individuals are aware of where they are starting from, they learn how to dream about what an amazing, well-balanced life can look like. From here they build a simplified strategy with clear action steps to achieve their dreams. As a result, people begin to think differently, dream and thrive. Kris and his wife, Reka, provide talks, workshops and retreats focused on applying the Life on Your Terms methodologies to couples, individuals, and teams. These applications result in helping people to identify success on their terms, streamline communication, create partner champions (not saboteurs), and obtain their ideal life. Kris is the founder and principal of Life on Your Terms and Entrepreneurial Advisors, a strategic advisory and management facilitation firm that works with leaders in the United States and Europe. As a seasoned entrepreneur with over 35 years of actual, in the trenches experience, Kris started his first of fifteen companies at the age of nineteen. Since then, he has been involved with businesses ranging from consulting, real estate, online services, counseling, advertising, financial services, and many more. Kris has seen the inner workings of hundreds of businesses, some good, some ugly, all interesting. Some successes have included eight figure exits, helping a company go public, 10X growth spurts, the successful restructuring of billion-dollar organizations and much more. On an individual level, Life on Your Terms has helped individuals to discover their purpose, reconnect with loved ones, create alignment with their partners and empower people to embrace their next chapter in life. Kris likes to say it is exciting to help companies make a lot of money, but it is life changing when you can help someone find and achieve their dreams. Kris has studied entrepreneurial strategy at Harvard Business School and is a fellow at York University in the United Kingdom. He lives in the high country of Colorado with his spouse, Reka, where they live life on their terms embracing outdoor activities, adventure travel and endurance events. To explore if working with Kris is a fit for your organization, contact him at k@entadv.com or 402.616.0354 or 719.826.4823.

— In this episode, Dr. Paola Lake discusses the topic of laying the foundation to find a healthy partnership in life. She is trained in both Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Gottman Couples Therapy and has come to understand what qualities are important to sustain a healthy vibrant relationship, but also what qualities are important to choose a partner who will be compatible and life enhancing.  All too often people fall into patterns when seeking relationships which results in unfortunate repeated disappointment and heartache.  As one psychologist, Dr. Larry Waterman, has said, "we spend more time considering what type of car we want, then what type of partnership we want."   Our quest for a partnership may be driven by a need for companionship, fear of loneliness, or sexual attraction.  However, without laying the groundwork to choose a right partner, we may be caught in repeated struggles and eventually become disillusioned about the prospect of finding a compatible partner. Dr. Lake provides some strategies and reflections as you open yourself up to considering a relationship. Valeria Teles interviews Dr. Paola Lake — a Rehabilitation Psychologist, Podcaster, And Speaker Dr. Paola Lake has a passion for helping people heal and recover from past trauma and adversity so that they can release the burdens of their past, overcome emotional blocks, and develop tools and strategies to help them realize their potential and achieve personal goals. Dr. Lake adopts a mind-body approach to healing. She strives to help people create enduring change that manifests itself in the form of greater clarity, self-compassion, an increased sense of possibility, greater connectedness to others and self, an ability to be present in the here and now, and a heightened sense of self-efficacy in their lives.  Dr. Lake, owner of Lake Professional Psychology Corporation provides services to the general public, as well as police officers and veterans to help them heal from exposure to trauma and the darker side of human tendencies.  She draws from over 20 years of experience working with survivors of sexual abuse, accident victims, psychiatric clients, and those suffering from low self-esteem, grief, anxiety, or depression.  As well as work in private practice, Dr. Lake hosts a podcast, The Dr. Lake Show. The focus of this show is to provide a platform to dialogue with experts and to provide insights about mental health, building resilience, healing from the past, and realizing personal dreams. To learn more about Dr. Paola Lake and her work, please visit: thedrlakeshow.ca       — This podcast is a quest for well-being, a quest for a meaningful life through the exploration of fundamental truths, enlightening ideas, insights on physical, mental, and spiritual health. The inspiration is Love. The aspiration is to awaken new ways of thinking that can lead us to a new way of being, being well. 

Kirsten is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She received her Master's degree from The Couple and Family Therapy program at University of Maryland. She is the owner and principal therapist at Kirsten Sidell Therapy LLC, where she provides services to clients in MD and DC. Kirsten specializes in working with couples, using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, which is based on attachment theory. She helps couples to better understand how they get stuck, and find a better way to communicate that leaves them feeling emotionally connected with each other. She is also a new mom, the President and a Founding Member of the professional MFT organization in the DMV, called Metro Marriage and Family Therapists, a nature enthusiast, travel lover, lifetime learner, beginning meditator, nutrition impassioned, and emotionally intelligent community member. All of these aspects are reflective in her roles - whether it's spending time with family, leading a MetroMFT meeting, or supporting her clients.Learn more about Kirsten and her work:https://www.coupleandfamilytherapist.com/Follow her on social media:Facebook - @KirstenLCMFTInsta - @studyingattachment_therapistMetroMFThttps://metromft.wildapricot.org/Postpartum Support Internationalhttps://www.postpartum.net/--Consider making a donation to help the children affected by the crisis in Ukrainehttps://www.unicef.org/Listeners of The Robin Smith Show can now join our Kiva Lending Team and help us in our effort to bring more good into being.Join Team Robley on Kiva!

Relationships are often quick to become more work and less romance in modern society. In this episode, we explore both the theories and experience of couples therapy, as well as, general relationship struggles and tools for navigating them. About our guest https://heightscouplestherapy.com/about/ (Dr. Laura Spiller) is a clinical psychologist who owns https://heightscouplestherapy.com/ (Heights Couples Therapy) and co-owns https://wellness-collaborative.com/ (Wellness Collaborative) in Houston, TX. She specializes in helping individuals and couples strengthen their relationships and connect deeper to those they care about. After studying at the University of Houston and the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center, she earned her PhD in Psychology and went on to train other graduate students as a professor for 10 years before shifting to her private practice, full time. Dr. Spiller is also a certified practitioner and trainer for Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy; an attachment based and well researched model of therapy. As a couples therapist, she is inspired to guide couples to make their relationships a safe haven which they can navigate any storm. This comes from both her work and personal experience after walking beside her late husband during a 5 year battle with a rare stomach cancer. Dr. Spiller hopes to pass on the gift of making the most of the time couples have together to everyone she works with. Resources https://iceeft.com/ (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy) https://www.gottman.com/ (Gottman Relationship Institute) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2153780.Hold_Me_Tight (EFT Book for Couples) https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7150543-born-for-love (Attachment and Empathy Book) A special thanks to our team Tracy Lehman, Host & Executive Producer Jacel Dickson, Producer and Editor Theme music by Jim Roman Audio engineering courtesy of our podmasters at https://3wirecreative.com/ (3 Wire Creative) Administrators: Mary Elizabeth Hand and Heather Timmis Thanks for listening!

— “Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It's simply holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of ' You're not alone.' “— Brené Brown     Valeria Teles interviews Daniela Petznick — She is a Marriage And Family Therapist, Speaker and Founder Of Uptown Phoenix Counseling, a private practice in Phoenix, Arizona   Daniela earned a Master of Arts in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Azusa Pacific University and has received post-graduate training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Her passion is to help client's build strong, loving, and meaningful relationships.  She specializes in couple's therapy,  parenting, and women's issues. In addition, she enjoys working with individuals with a range of needs--conflict in relationship with others, desire to heal from past trauma, anxiety, depression, and lack of meaning in life, and a range of other issues.   She has been working in the field of Psychology since 2011. She graduated Summa Cum Laude  from California State University, Fullerton  with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Bachelor of Science in Human Services.  In her undergraduate internship, she led groups of college students to help them gain self-awareness, heal from past trauma, work through conflict in an effective manner, and gain tools to improve their life.  Her previous psychotherapy experience has given her the opportunity to work with people from many different walks of life, diverse backgrounds, ages, and issues. She has also worked extensively with children with ADHD, has ran parenting, self-exploration, interpersonal, and support groups in English and Spanish.   Outside of work, Daniela is a wife and a mother to two beautiful high-spirited little girls. She enjoys traveling with her family, reading, listening and dancing to Latin music, all things related to animals, and having deep conversations with her closest friends.     Meet Daniela at uptownphoenixcounseling.com

Recorded January 15, 2022Move over Christmas! It's Toys for Valentine's Day this year. Today's topic: Sex Toys for Valentine's Day,  features professional insights from Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Helena Johnson.  Helena is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Sex Therapy.Questions/Topics:Valentine's day seems so commercial. Do you think it is important for couples to celebrate it?If someone is  interested in trying toys in the bedroom is it ok for them to surprise their partner on Valentine's day with a box of toys?What do you do if one partner is more excited about toys and the other is more hesitant?Where do you go to get sex toys?Toys require a specific lube, what types of lubrications are out there and what is good for use with toys?The Netflix show, GOOP, talked about The Erotic Blueprint as a sort of  5 love languages but for sex. Would you list and describe the different sex preferences defined by the Erotic Blueprint. Where can I take the assessment? (see list of links below)Do guys have trouble finding a woman's G Spot?What toys would you recommend for beginners and not-not-so beginners? Toys and "furniture" mentioned in the show included a rose, a rabbit, a bullet, sex swing and a wedge.  (Commence to googling... but maybe not at work.)What toys are there for men? Prostate-stimulating toys have amazing benefits.Guest Mentions:Instagram:  Helena___The_TherapistWebsite: www.helenajohnsoncounseling.comMentions:  url:  Etsy store for podcast merchurl: There are 5 Erotic Blueprint Types™​ Find out which one you are.url: Episode 116: Libido Part 1 for Women  with Sex Therapist Helena Johnsonurl:Episode 117: Libido Part 2 for Men  with Sex Therapist Helena Johnsonurl:Episode 21: Love Languagesurl: Episode 50:  About the Big OPlease support our podcast:Please rate/review, subscribe and share!!Shop: Etsy storeCashapp:$GirrrlPodcastDonate: PatreonHave a question or topic you want us to talk about? We want to hear from you!!Twitter: @girrrlpodcastInstagram: @girrrlpodcastFacebook: @girrrlpodcastEmail us: Talk2Us@girrrlpodcast.com

We continue our conversation about healing ourselves with guest Melissa Parks! Melissa is a licensed therapist who specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and trauma therapy. I learned about her work through TikTok when she kept appearing on my For You Page. I have since come to learn just how insightful she is around the topic of attachment styles and the modalities she uses in her practice. In this episode, we explore some of the modalities, such as EMDR and Somatic therapy. Melissa also describes the four different attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure; and how they may manifest in our lives. She also explains how we can move through rigidity (avoidant or anxious, for example), to a place of security and healing. You'll hear: EMDR: what it is and what symptoms it can help treat. Plus, it is not just a modality for treating trauma, it can be used for treating anxiety, depression or even lack of motivation. (6:47) Melissa explains how attachment styles are like strategies, shares the four different kinds and explains how the goal is moving from rigidity to consistency. (18:55) How someone can move into a secure attachment style. (27:39) Examples of when unhealthy attachment styles can cause conflict in a relationship. (33:22) Somatic tools and skills: what they are and when someone would use them. (40:32) http://andreaowen.com/427  

S2E10: Steph and Em talk about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy), attachment styles, and attachment trauma. Instagram: @just.mental.health.podcast linktr.ee/justmentalhealthpodcast To support this podcast go to https://anchor.fm/justmentalhealth/support Disclosure:  We give our opinions based on our professional background, but nothing said in this podcast should be taken as mental health advice or take the place of therapy. We like to season our language with many spices, including both F words: Feminism and Fuck. If this kind of language offends you, this is not the podcast for you. And lastly, we are aware of our privilege and understand that we have internal biases that cloud our perspective. Please message us if we are wrong and we will openly correct ourselves.  --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/justmentalhealth/support

Your marriage is not at it's best for one of two reasons: 1) You've got some cognitive deficiencies getting in your way. For that, we've got the Rewire Your Brain episodes each Tuesday and Thursday 2) You've got some emotional issues getting in your way. And we're here now to start you on the road to heal. Just remember, it's about the process not the content. Reese Palmer is a licensed clinical psychotherapist, Christian counselor, entrepreneur, family life specialist, and relationship expert. He helps children, teens, adults, couples and families with many different challenges such as grief, depression, anxiety, trauma, relationship problems, and serious conflict. Mr. Palmer has direct experience serving those suffering from the heartbreaking effects of trauma, loss and grief. He considers it an honor to serve and support those living under the dark cloud of fear, childhood traumas, family and marital conflict, abuse and neglect. With genuine Christian empathy, non-judgmental interactions and evidence-based approaches, Mr. Palmer helps his clients alleviate distress associated with trauma pain and negative life experiences. Reese's primary goal in therapy is to create a safe space for individuals, couples, and families to explore any issues that may be getting in the way of a more fulfilling life, career, or relationship. Simply put, he helps his clients to remove any roadblocks keeping them from realizing God's greater plan and purpose for their lives. Connect with Reese Website: www.palmercounsel.com Learn more about Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: www.iceeft.com Facebook: @Palmer_counseling_consulting Instagram: @Palmer_counseling_consulting To get the waitlist to work with ST head over to: www.lifepixuniversity.com/yourbrainrewired

In this episode, Beth interviews Dr. Carol Stoney, a relationship expert who specializes in helping couples learn healthier ways to communicate and relate to one another. She shares some inspiring ideas and mind blowing discoveries from favorite experts and therapeutic training programs, including Stan Tatkin, John Gottman , and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Here are a few questions to whet your appetite: How often do you look your partner in the eyes? Eye contact regulates our neurons and increases bonding through the cuddle hormone (oxytocin). How does your partner feel when they're with you? Do you bring out the care or the panic circuitry in your partner? What if we are fueling the wrong narrative about our partner? And just maybe… “Marriage is our last best chance to grow up…”  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In this interview, Lisa and Silvina discuss their path to sex therapy, both being couples therapists trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. At their weekend Hold Me Tight Workshops for couples, there was never enough time after all the relational work to delve deeply enough into the couple's sexual relationship; so they dove into deep study over several years and developed an integrative approach, blending the best of sex therapy techniques and the process orientation and attachment focus of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In the interview, they discuss the relationship between attachment and sex in a couple's relationship, and how physical connection is so essential to attachment, citing Harlow's research with the “cloth mother” monkeys as but one example. I invite them to share more about several of the key concepts they cover in their workshop for clinicians, Integrating Sex and Sexuality in EFT Couples' Work. We discuss the groundbreaking work of Emily Nagosky, who has made accessible to everyone such key concepts as the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, responsive desire and newer versions of the Sexual Response Cycle model that allow so many more options for couples. They discuss how for many therapists, couples therapy and sex therapy are disconnected, but how powerful the integration of the two can be. We discuss how they use sex therapy behavioral interventions, such as a variety of touch exercises, and process these experiences with the couples through the EFT lens to understand the blocks that get in the way. This integration of an experiential, process-oriented therapy, and behavioral interventions from sex therapy, through an attachment lens helps bridge the divide between couples therapy and sex therapy. Silvina Irwin, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles, and ICEEFT Certified Trainer and Supervisor in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. Under the mentorship of Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, Silvina offers trainings in LA and other select US and International areas. She is co-founder of the EFT Resource Center in Pasadena, CA, which provides EFT psychotherapy services to the community and offers training and supervision to therapists in Emotionally Focused Therapy. In her psychotherapy practice, Dr. Irwin specializes in working with survivors of trauma and relationship distress. In addition, Dr. Irwin has developed and facilitated workshops for couples who want to deepen and enrich their sexual connection. Dr. Irwin also leads consultation groups with her close colleague Dr. Lisa Blum for mental health professionals all over the country who are refining their skills in integrating sexuality into their couples' therapy work. Dr. Irwin also offers master classes on working with trauma in couples therapy, and workshops on Vicarious Trauma of therapists, first responders, and the legal and medical community. To learn more about Dr. Irwin, please visit www.drsilvinairwin.com or www.EFTResourceCenter.com. Lisa Blum, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in promoting healthy couple and family relationships through an attachment lens. Dr. Blum is an ICEEFT-Certified Supervisor and Therapist in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), one of the few research-validated therapies for helping couples and families strengthen relationships and build stronger connections. Dr. Blum is a Co-Founder of the EFT Resource Center in Pasadena, a group private practice, where her work includes individual, couples, and family therapy, and supervision, training, and public speaking on family, marital, and parenting issues. Dr. Blum works with both gay, lesbian, queer and straight individuals and couples, and with adults forming families in novel and creative ways. Since the beginning of her career, Dr. Blum has been involved in teaching, research, and practice in the field of sexuality, and currently co-facilitates weekend workshops for couples who want to deepen and enrich their sexual connection. In addition, Dr. Blum and her close colleague Dr. Silvina Irwin lead seminars and consultation groups for mental health professionals who are refining their skills in integrating sexuality into their couples' therapy work. To learn more about Dr. Blum, please visit www.drlisablum.com, and www.EFTResourceCenter.com.

In this episode, Paul discusses how his seeking connection with other African-American clinicians in the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) community, in order to translate the EFT approach into his and his colleagues experiences with their African-American clients, lead him to write his book, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with African American Couples: Love Heals. He discussed how attachment in African cultures and other collectivist cultures are different from our traditional sense of child attaches to mother, and in recent years, child also attaches to father. Instead, he discussed how in a more collectivist culture, child attaches to community, and other villages may be the responsive attachment figure while the mother is working on the farm, or the grandparent, and how this was extended as African Americans were brought to the United States in slavery, families were broken up, and others took in children who were not there and children attached with the adults they were enslaved with. Paul discusses working with couples, within an attachment framework, and how cultural humility is a significant aspect of the work with others, whether of a similar race or culture, or different, as his cultural experience and racial identity can be a different experience than one or both partners of a couple he might be working with who are also Black. He discussed the three levels of cultural humanity, which is knowing about general issues that affect the group that one is working with, the diversity of experiences within that group, and ultimately, the self as therapist, and the therapists' cultural experiences and how that impacts their thinking. His goal in writing his book was to promote clinicians needing more information and understanding of culture, and adjusting clinically to the realities of unique stresses and threats to African American love. Paul Guillory, PhD is a psychologist, and Associate Professor at the University of California, Berkeley in the Clinical Science Program, Psychology Department. He is a certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy therapist and certified EFT supervisor, and an EFT Trainer-in-Training. Paul is the author of the book, Emotionally Focused Therapy with African American Couples: Love Heals, and is the former chairperson of the Northern California Community of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Paul was the psychological consultant to the Oakland Raiders professional football team and the National Football League for 14 years, has been a consultant to the Sacramento Kings professional basketball team, and is a selected provider for the National Basketball Players Association. He has also served as Director of the Center for Family Counseling in Oakland California for 10 years, and has been in private practice in Oakland, California for over 30 years.

Today: Learn how to strengthen your relationship at the deepest level using the principles of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. This evidence-based approach helps you repair your attachment bond, and actually transforms the way you both feel about each other. It's powerful stuff, and on today's episode you'll learn how to use EFT principles to stop negativity, and increase emotional connection in your relationship.  All for you! Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby GrowingSelf.com

Mike Moran is a couples and sex therapist and educator specializing in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. He’s also our clinical supervisor and has helped us navigate many challenging cases, so we have firsthand knowledge of how clinically gifted and wise he is! In this interview, Mike talks to us about the unique experiences gay couples bring to therapy and what straight couples can learn from them. We talk about the impact of growing up in a homophobic culture, embracing sexual fluidity, and helping couples navigate the pain of infidelity. It’s an episode about gay couples, but it’s really a must-listen for straight people! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lovelink/support

Dr. Crete provides a strategy based on Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to break through relationship conflicts and unhealthy patterns.

I interview author and psychologist, Dr. Mark Chamberlain, about our struggle to experience true enjoyment in today's desensitized culture. Screens, abundant food, and other forms of stimulation make it difficult for our nervous systems and bodies to truly enjoy life's little pleasures. It can also be a challenge to enjoy relationships, spirituality, nature, and other joys when we've been dulled by constant overstimulation. Dr. Chamberlain wrote a book called, "Wanting More: The challenge of enjoyment in the age of addiction", that presents a solution for how we can start savoring and enjoying the simple pleasures and joys of life. Purchase "Wanting More" https://amzn.to/3lyfNUs Mark Chamberlain Bio: I love listening to individuals and couples in an effort to enter their world as they see it, and hopefully over time help them rise above the limits of their current perceptions to take a broader perspective and discover previously unseen possibilities. Over the years, I’ve found some specific research-validated relapse-prevention skills to be quite helpful for individuals in the early stages of recovering from addiction. Over the long-term, most clients’ recovery is greatly strengthened by deeper emotional connections in relationships. I use Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help couples heal the negative cycles that can sabotage such closeness. The greatest reward comes when they discover that true, deep attachment is “the real deal” that old addictions could never counterfeit. Credentials: • Doctorate Degree in Clinical Psychology • Licensed Psychologist • Trained in Lifespan Integration • Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy Geoff Steurer has created audio and video courses to help support individuals and couples in marriage, addiction, and betrayal trauma recovery at www.geoffsteurer.com/store. Illuminate listeners can enter promo code: ILLUMINATE at checkout and save 15%.

I was thrilled to have my friend and co-author, Dr. Mark Chamberlain, join me on this episode of the podcast. Mark and I co-authored the book, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity" back in 2011. In this episode we talk about the origin of this book, how it helps couples, and what things we would change if it were reissued today. We also discuss the challenging nature of couples recovery and what couples need to fully heal from the impact of pornography. You can purchase "Love You. Hate the Porn" HERE Mark Chamberlain Bio: I love listening to individuals and couples in an effort to enter their world as they see it, and hopefully over time help them rise above the limits of their current perceptions to take a broader perspective and discover previously unseen possibilities. Over the years, I’ve found some specific research-validated relapse-prevention skills to be quite helpful for individuals in the early stages of recovering from addiction. Over the long-term, most clients’ recovery is greatly strengthened by deeper emotional connections in relationships. I use Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help couples heal the negative cycles that can sabotage such closeness. The greatest reward comes when they discover that true, deep attachment is “the real deal” that old addictions could never counterfeit. Credentials: • Doctorate Degree in Clinical Psychology • Licensed Psychologist • Trained in Lifespan Integration • Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy Geoff Steurer has created audio and video courses to help support individuals and couples in marriage, addiction, and betrayal trauma recovery at www.geoffsteurer.com/store. Illuminate listeners can enter promo code: ILLUMINATE at checkout and save 15%.

Today’s special guest is Wesley Anne Little. Wesley is a relationship therapist certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy based in Charlotte, North Carolina. Wesley helps people to understand what is actually happening in their relationships—and in themselves—to help them realize they have much more power in interaction and outcome than they think. Here to discuss creating deeper connections with ourselves those around us, developing curiosity and real empathy, fostering trust in professional relationships, our employer's role in our mental health, and so much more, please join me in welcoming to the show, Wesley Little. Wesley Anne Little, LPCSpecializing in Couples and Relationship Attachmentwww.wesleyannelittle.comInstagram: @wesleyannelittleAbout Wesley Anne LittleI help people understand what is actually happening in their relationships (and themselves) and realize they have much more power in interaction and outcome than they think.===

— Valeria interviews Troy L. Love, the author Finding Peace: A Workbook on Healing from Loss, Rejection, Neglect, Abandonment, Betrayal, and Abuse. Human beings are wired for connection – physically, emotionally, neurologically, and spiritually. When something happens to damage our most important relationships, there can be lifelong consequences. Finding Peace is the fusion of a fictional storyline and a workbook that describes the Core of Peace, a model of healing from the wounds of loss, rejection, abandonment, betrayal, neglect, and abuse. This book is for anyone serious about healing these attachment wounds, ready to become honest about changing their life, and willing to be vulnerable. The book explores the lives of eight different characters who meet together for eight weeks to explore the underlying reasons why they battle depression, anxiety, depression, body image issues, and relationship challenges. The reader accompanies them on their journey to uncover the truths about who they are and how they can find lasting peace and joy from within. They discover how the shadows of shame hijack their lives. They learn about a powerful meditation that can heal deeply. They learn about challenging the negative messages that seem to be tattooed on their hearts. They explore how connection can provide courage and healing and ultimately find lasting peace. A two-time Amazon Best-Selling Author, with his third book, A Year of Self-Love published in 2019, Troy L. Love is on a quest to help individuals, couples, and organizations find greater peace, joy, happiness, and success.  Troy serves as the President and Clinical Director of Yuma Counseling Services. He has over 20 years of experience in the mental health field. Troy received his Master's Degree in Social Work from the University of Pittsburgh, PA in 2000 and much of his training has focused on addiction recovery. Troy also received Certification in Human Resource Studies from Cornell University. He recently completed certification as a Sexual Addiction Treatment Professional from Mid-Nazarene University. Troy specializes in working with individual's trauma-related concerns, couples struggling in their relationships, and individuals who numb their pain through compulsive or addictive behaviors. Troy also helps couples find deeper connection. Troy is training in EMDR, a research-based treatment for trauma survivors, Brainspotting, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and addiction recovery. Troy uses his unique set of skills to help individuals seeking personal healing and for organizations who are seeking to improve outcomes. Troy's workshops, lectures, and group discussions have helped hundreds of people explore sensitive issues, increase understanding, and to take action towards change. His down-to-earth, humorous, teaching style helps participants feel safe enough to examine their core issues required for change.   To learn more about Troy L. Love and his work, please visit: https://www.troyllove.com/ For Intro-free episodes: https://www.patreon.com/aquestforwellbeingpodcast Podcast Page: https://fitforjoy.org/podcast

#006: "It's too scary." That's how Dr. Harmony Sullivan, a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, describes most people's hesitation to share their inner world of emotional experiences with their partner. In this episode, Dr. Harmony explains why couples can benefit from emotion-focused exploration of their fight-or-flight response patterns. She also shares an important thing to look for in a couples therapist and one thing you can do today as a couple to deepen your emotional connection. If you're confused by the fights you and your partner have, or just want a fresh new perspective on how to enhance intimacy in your relationship, you won't want to miss this expert advice and insight. About the Show In this episode, you’ll learn why Dr. Harmony leans into “anger” in therapy sessions and how to understand the emotion of anger as a desperate attempt for a partner to be heard and a sign your partner is fighting for your relationship. And you’ll also learn how the model of Emotionally Focused Couples therapy might help you understand how your attachment style is influencing so many of your most difficult interactions in your relationship.  006’s Guest Harmony Sullivan, PsyD, is a wife, mom, licensed clinical psychologist, lazy gardener, avid reader and beginning skateboarder in Pittsburgh, PA. She owns her own private practice where she works with couples and individuals with a range of struggles including with anxiety, relationships and issues related to the body, sex and sexual identity. She is a founding board member of the Pittsburgh Community for Emotionally Focused Therapy. Recently she has also been trying, like a lot of other white ladies in their 40's, to educate herself about how to be an anti-racist and to more fully integrate that work into her personal and professional life. Her husband sometimes has to remind her not to talk SO MUCH about couples and couples therapy, especially when she has had a few drinks and has cornered a stranger at a party (remember when we used to go to parties?! Sigh). Websites, Ideas and Resources Mentioned Dr. Harmony's Psychology Today listing Pittsburgh Community or Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy Where to find a EFT therapist EFT Trainer George Faller illustrating the negative cycle in a fight he had with his wife Hold Me Tight book The Gottman Institute’s Conversation Starters Thank you for being part of the Marriage is Hard community. If you're new here, you'll want to subscribe because just like today's episode on the next episode I'm having open, honest, and real conversations about life partnership that inspire and teach. Let's rock out the most important relationship we get to choose!   

Amanda Patterson, LMHC, CAP, NCC was awarded Florida Mental Health Counselor of the Year by FMHCA in 2017. She has a practice where she specializes in depression and anxiety in teens and young adults.     She is super passionate about helping therapists develop a business plan to become successful in private practice.     She facilitates Marriage and Relationship Retreats and is trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. She has two cats and enjoys reading all types of books!  

Part of our Footpath series, our guest in  this interview is Evelyn Heffermehl, a Marriage and Family Therapist who has been living in the UAE for the past 13 years. She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and she completed her training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Dr. Susan Johnson, one of the world's leading expert in the treatment of relationship distress. Evelyn's main field of expertise -and passion- lies in helping couples build lasting intimate connection. We trust everybody will find interesting insights and inspiration listening to her point of view and advices. 

Part of our Footpath series, our guest in this interview is Evelyn Heffermehl, a Marriage and Family Therapist who has been living in the UAE for the past 13 years. She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy and she completed her training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with Dr. Susan Johnson, one of the world’s leading expert in the treatment of relationship distress. Evelyn's main field of expertise -and passion- lies in helping couples build lasting intimate connection. We trust everybody will find interesting insights and inspiration listening to her point of view and advices.

Men, in general, struggle with self-care. Not talking about the brushing teeth, taking showers, eating right, etc. Talking about the deeper stuff. Working with their emotions. Allowing vulnerability to show up. Admitting they don't have the answers. All of these things are an assault on our masculine ego...so to speak. So riddle me this grasshopper? What if men, on a daily basis, practiced deep levels of self-care, what might the world be like? Troy L Love, provides us his insights not only from a professional licensed therapist perspective, but also his perspective as a husband, father, and fellow human being. He also reminds us all that we are not alone, even when we might feel like it. About TroyTroy L Love, MSW, LCSW serves as the President and Clinical Director of Yuma Counseling Services. He has over 20 years of experience in the mental health field. Troy received his Master's Degree in Social Work from the University of Pittsburgh, PA in 2000 and much of his training has focused on addiction recovery. Troy also received Certification in Human Resource Studies from Cornell University and is Certified as a Professional in Human Resources by the HR Certification Institute. Troy specializes in working with individual’s trauma related concerns, couples struggling in their relationships, and individuals who numb their pain through compulsive or addictive behaviors. Troy also helps couples and individuals who are experiencing sexual issues that reduce the ability for physical intimacy. Troy has training in EMDR, a research-based treatment for trauma survivors, Brainspotting, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and addiction recovery. Troy resides in Yuma, Arizona with his wife, two children, and two dogs. Connect With Troy Website (https://www.troyllove.com/) Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/troyllove) Twitter (https://twitter.com/troyllove) Troy's Books (https://www.troyllove.com/books) Hey Guys, Check This Out.Are you a guy who keeps struggling to do that thing? You know the thing you keep telling yourself and others you’re going to do, but never do? Then it’s time to get real and figure out why. Join the 40 Plus Men's Chat's. Learn about about - Click Here! (https://rickclemons.com/40-plus-mens-chats/) Break free of fears. Make bold moves. Live life without apologies P.S. get your free My Bold Life Manifesto, right here - (https://rickclemons.com/manifesto/) You can also listen to the podcast on… (https://apple.co/2Q4nnbt)   (https://www.stitcher.com/podcast/rick-clemons/forty-plus-real-men-real-talk)   (https://www.podchaser.com/podcasts/40-plus-real-men-real-talk-854094)   (https://radiopublic.com/40-plus-real-men-real-talk-WoBlp5)        

We’re taking this opportunity to interview Wesley Anne Little (on instagram: @wesleyannelittle), a couples therapist from North Carolina who is a regular guest on Chris Do’s YouTube channel. Wesley is a relationship therapist who is certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. She loves helping people realize relationships don't have to be so confusing! We’ll be talking to Wesley about work life and how it affects love and relationships, as well as being in a couple during coronavirus, how to deal with stir-craziness, and muuuuch more. There's so much gold in here, so if you're not in a relationship or not looking, we're pretty sure you'll be able to learn something about all human relationships. Please, let us know what you think, and enjoy!

If you want to create a fantastic relationship, there's one irreplaceable ingredient that you must have: Emotional safety. If you have emotional safety everything from communication to intimacy feels so much easier. But without it, everything feels like a battle. Today, on the Love, Happiness and Success Podcast, I'm going to share the secrets behind how to create emotional safety in your relationship. We'll be discussing: What emotional safety is, and why it's important How to determine if your relationship is emotionally safe or not How to begin increasing the emotional safety in your relationship Understanding what behaviors will damage emotional safety How to use the principles of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to improve your relationship Happy Valentine's Day! Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby www.GrowingSelf.com PS: If you want to take the free "How Healthy is Your Relationship" assessment I mention in this episode, text RELQUIZ to 345345 to get the link.

Rewinding to one of my favorite episodes. I recently re-listened to this episode and deeply needed to reminder and thought I'd share with you while we navigate the holiday season and interact with people who we may wish to connect with on a deeper level. This conversation can offer some perspective. Jenny D. Brice is helping us to better understand attachment theory and how we can use it to deepen our connections. Deepening our connections can result in more joy, satisfaction and fulfillment in our relationships. Jenny says in fact that “There's nothing more disheartening than spending time tending to your mind, body and spirit, only to return day after day to a relationship where you feel emotionally unsafe and abandoned, with no tools to communicate your needs effectively. If your relationships are not nourishing you, they're depleting you.” Jenny believes in the power of personal narratives to radically re-shape one's life, relationships and experiences. Her mission is to elevate and encourage the practice of self-realization through awareness, acceptance, compassion, communication and appreciation; with the knowledge that people are genuinely doing the best they can with the mindsets and resources they have. Jenny is a clinically trained Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of Individuals, Couples and Families. She is Core Skills certified and trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Level I trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. She is also a Level II Usui Reiki Practitioner, a thirteen-year Public Health Professional and passionate Wellness Enthusiast. Her aim is to support clients in vibrating higher in all aspects of their human experience, by helping them improve the quality of the tools within their reach. From the concrete and analytical to the experiential and spiritual, Jenny utilizes an integrative approach to cultivate healing. Check out this article Jenny wrote about the subject and some suggested reading on the topic. Connect with Jenny at www.jennydbrice.com @jennybmytherapist Let's continue the conversation online and don't forget to subscribe, rate, review and share with at least 3 people you think would enjoy or benefit from this conversation. Tag us on social media: @loniswain @loniswainshow #loniswainshow #loniswainshowpodcast #TLSS #TLSSpodcast #attachmenttheory #connection #attachment #relationships

In this episode, Dr. Sue Johnson talks about the beginning of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and the lack of options for Couples Therapists to get training at the time.  Dr. Sue Johnson is an author, clinical psychologist, researcher, professor, popular presenter and speaker and a leading innovator in the field of couple therapy and adult attachment. Sue is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), which has demonstrated its effectiveness in over 30 years of peer-reviewed clinical research. She is founding Director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). Find out more about Sue at drsuejohnson.com Find out more about EFT trainings at iceeft.com The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. The host, Shane Birkel, interviews an expert in the field of couples therapy each week. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes. See below for more information on the Couples Therapist Inner Circle. Get your free course called Working with Couples 101 Click here to join the Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group Today's Sponsor The Couples Therapist Inner Circle This is the Membership Site for Couples Therapists. There is a workshop every month on topics like EFT, Gottman, Infidelity, and Working with Sex. Additionally there are regular question and answer sessions and opportunities to talk about cases.

In this episode of the Practice of Therapy Podcast, Gordon and Brent Sweitzer, LPC, RPT dive deep into the book, Getting Things Done by David Allen. Brent describes how the methods of GTD changed his life and some of his favorite tools from David Allen. Plus, Brent explains his recent jump into full-time private practice, despite not thinking he was 100% ready for the change. Brent Sweitzer Brent Sweitzer, LPC, RPT specializes in helping distant couples reconnect and in helping children play their way through difficult emotions through play therapy. He is a Registered Play Therapist, which means he has received special training and supervision in using the medium of play to work with children of all ages. He is also extensively trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, a well-researched approach that helps couples overcome long-standing conflicts in order to feel closer and communicate better. He runs his own private practice, Sweitzer Counseling, that serves the communities of Cumming, Johns Creek, Alpharetta, and the surrounding communities in Atlanta, GA. He is married and has two young children of his own. When he's not connecting with clients or his family, he's often exploring the great outdoors or strumming his guitar. Getting Things Done Brent found the book Getting Things Done, and it spoke to him so clearly. There are so many distractions and challenges with work now as therapists and entrepreneurs. As an entrepreneur, we have to define a lot of our work. Brent knew the book was the answer – he went all in and applied the methodology to his life since January. Gordon was also blown away by the book. David Allen breaks it down into manageable pieces. Getting Things Done for Teens Since Brent works with children, he is always looking for things that simplify the concepts from Getting Things Done.  That why he is a big fan of Getting Things Done for Teens. There are these things called transformer tools – decide if you care about something and then decide if you are committed to doing it. It's so simple but an unconscious choice. We can learn how to do it and respond to these challenges consciously. What Are Contexts? How much time do you have available? Imagine having a list of things you can do with a spare ten or fifteen minutes. Have a list of items already decided that would be possible to do in between clients or in line at the DMV. This method has been a real change for Brent. GTD is about efficiency – not in a cold kind of way. We only have 24 hours in a day, and we only have so much energy. GTD helps us to list the things that we can do that are mindless. Keep your life moving! Channel Your Inner CEO Brent loves being with people. He has a left side of his brain, but he wasn't able to pull it up when he needed it. GTD has helped Brent think that way. Being a private practice owner means you are an entrepreneur and a CEO. You need to be thinking like an executive at least some of the time. OmniFocus OmniFocus is designed to align with GTD – Brent tried to use it with Trello. So far, it's going well. For those people who are digitally oriented, Brent says it works well with Apple Reminders. It's a great way to capture all your ideas while you are out and about or even exercising. However, it is essential to remember to go back and look at the ideas you captured. Full-Time Private Practice Marketing your private practice is a part-time job in itself. Brent didn't know when he would be able to leap into full-time private practice. He wanted to start next year when his son joined Kindergarten. His leap into private practice happened a little sooner than he planned for. Brent needed time and focus on putting all of his knowledge into place. He put his foot on the accelerator to market his practice and himself to the community. He is actually going to be speaking at a mental health symposium at a high school about communication between parents and children. After Killin'It Camp, Brent was inspired to create the next step for people after his speeches. He is in the process of developing an email series – allowing himself to stay in contact with potential clients. Being transparent… Some of the resources below use affiliate links which simply means we receive a commission if you purchase using the links, at no extra cost to you. Thanks for using the links!   Brent's Resources Sweitzer Counseling 678-701-7545 brent@sweitzercounseling.com Brent's LinkedIn Resources TherapyNotes.com Ethical Business Practice for Psychotherapists Killin'It Camp Session Note Helper G-Suite For Therapists Be a Podcast Guest Follow @TPOTpodcast on Instagram OmniFocus Business School Bootcamp Practice of the Practice Meet Gordon Brewer, MEd, LMFT Gordon is the person behind The Practice of Therapy Podcast & Blog. He is also President and Founder of Kingsport Counseling Associates, PLLC. He is a therapist, consultant, business mentor, trainer, and writer.  PLEASE Subscribe to The Practice of Therapy Podcast on iTunes, Stitcher and Google Play. Follow us on Twitter @therapistlearn and Pinterest “Like” us on Facebook

Megan and Jason went onto the couples' therapy couch and got some amazing advice from their own therapist, Christian Charette from Couple Forward in Raleigh NC. This episode is part two of a two-parter. Last week, Christian shared what roadblocks in a relationship can lead to tension.  This week, it's all about tips for better communication. About Christian Charette: Christian specializes in helping couples navigate their relationships. Christian has 15+ years of experience guiding others through their journey. Married for 25 years, and having raised three daughters has uniquely prepared him for being a reflective therapist with whom clients feel connected. Specifically trained and licensed in Marriage & Family Therapy, Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Christian combines his creative personality to bring clients lasting solutions.   Couple Forward on Social Media: Facebook: @coupleforward Instagram: @coupleforward     Weddings for Real on Social Media: Instagram: @weddingsforreal Facebook: @weddingsforreal twitter: @weddingsforreal Music for this episode by https://www.bensound.com. The host of the show is Megan Gillikin, owner and lead consultant at A Southern Soiree Wedding and Event Planning.  She's also available for wedding and hospitality business consulting and can be reached at megan@weddingsforreal.com. Weddings for Real is edited and produced by Jason Gillikin for Earfluence.

Megan and Jason went onto the couples' therapy couch and got some amazing advice from their own therapist, Christian Charette from Couple Forward in Raleigh NC. This episode is a two-parter, and today Christian shares what roadblocks in a relationship can lead to tension.  So let's get uncomfortable and learn how we can be better partners. And next week, he'll share tips for better communication. About Christian Charette: Christian specializes in helping couples navigate their relationships. Christian has 15+ years of experience guiding others through their journey. Married for 25 years, and having raised three daughters has uniquely prepared him for being a reflective therapist with whom clients feel connected. Specifically trained and licensed in Marriage & Family Therapy, Gottman Couples Therapy and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Christian combines his creative personality to bring clients lasting solutions.   Couple Forward on Social Media: Facebook: @coupleforward Instagram: @coupleforward   If you haven't already, get your tickets to see Megan Gillikin speak WIPA Toronto on October 22nd!  Get your tickets at Eventbrite now.  This session will remind and enlighten industry vendors that the client experience starts way before the client books you and ends months after the event is over. Broken into three sections (pre-booking, working together, and post booking phases), Megan will highlight some of biggest missed opportunities when it comes elevating your client experience from start to finish and will provide tangible tips and takeaways on how to streamline this experience and exceed client expectations time and time again!!         Weddings for Real on Social Media: Instagram: @weddingsforreal Facebook: @weddingsforreal twitter: @weddingsforreal Music for this episode by https://www.bensound.com. The host of the show is Megan Gillikin, owner and lead consultant at A Southern Soiree Wedding and Event Planning.  She's also available for wedding and hospitality business consulting and can be reached at megan@weddingsforreal.com. Weddings for Real is edited and produced by Jason Gillikin for Earfluence.

Jette Simon is a Danish clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience working with couples from around the world. She is an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy trainer and Director of the Washington DC Training Institute for Couples Therapy and EFT Institute in Copenhagen. She’s also Signe’s mom! In this personal interview with us from 2017, she shares insights from her past romantic relationships and her clinical work with couples. We talk about what makes for a good relationship, the function of affairs, cultural norms, and starter marriages. Jette also offers up some motherly words of wisdom that can help anyone maintain hope after a break up or improve their current relationship. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lovelink/support

What do you do if you want to have conversations about emotions with your partner, and all they want to do is talk about how they think about things? Or vice versa? In today’s episode, we dropped in with Sue Johnson for a few minutes to get her take on this question. Sue Johnson is the author of “Hold Me Tight” and the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) - and has trained thousands of couples therapists in her methods. Sue also reveals one thing that you can do, today, to add positive energy to ANY relationship. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Want to experience a Luxury Suite or VIP Box at an amazing concert or sporting event? Check out Suitehop.com/DATENIGHT to score sweet deals on a special night for you and your partner. Resources: Visit Sue Johnson’s website to learn more about her work. Pick up your copy of Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/sue4 to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Sue Johnson. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Satin. Today we're gonna do something a little bit different. We are going to dive in quickly with one of the world experts on relationships to get answers to some of your questions. I dropped into the relationship alive community on Facebook and said, "Hey if you had 10 minutes to talk with Sue Johnson, today's guest, what would you ask her?" And then I was like, "asking for a friend. Okay, I'm asking for myself." And so we got some great questions from people and so I wanted to take this opportunity to ask them and to share just a few moments with our guest - as I mentioned her name is Sue Johnson, she is one of the world's experts on relationships and specifically on how we use attachment theory and attachment science to build stronger bonds with our partner and to thrive in connection. It's also a great way to understand when things are going south, why they're going south, and how to rebuild your relationship. Neil Sattin: Sue Johnson is also the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy also known as EFT, and has trained thousands of therapists around the world in using EFT, to help couples. And it is one of the methods that has been empirically shown through research to be effective at helping couples build stronger relationships. Sue has been on the show before. If you've been a long-time listener, you know that. To listen to any of her other episodes, you can visit neilsattin.com/sue, S-U-E, and then a number. And so, there's just sue or there's sue2 and sue3 she's been on all of those times. So this will be sue4. And we will have a detailed transcript as always, that you can get by visiting that URL or by texting the word PASSION to the number 33444 and following the instructions. Sue Johnson, so great to be here with you again, on Relationship Alive. Sue Johnson: Hey, it's always fun. Nice to be here. Neil Sattin: Great, great, so thank you for being willing to just jump in and go with a few quick questions. As opposed to our long conversations that we often have. It's so easy to talk to you for a long time 'cause there's so much to say about this topic. Let's start with, I thought this was a great question. And this comes up all the time, what can you do if you're in a relationship where one person loves to talk about emotions and feelings and have those conversations and the other person would rather talk about things and events and when you start having an emotional conversation with that person they start to shut down. And that often creates this dynamic where they're each kind of wanting more of the other or in some cases less of the other. What advice would you give a couple in that situation? And maybe you could speak to both members of the couple and how they might come to a better place. Sue Johnson: Well, if we saw a couple like that in EFT, in therapy or if we saw a couple like that in one of our educational groups, our Hold Me Tight groups, we would get them to talk about just what you said, to talk about the process. Everybody stays with the content, and with their own kind of dilemmas and their own kind of issues. And from that point of view all you're left with is that these two people are different. Yup people are different. Everybody's basically incompatible on some level but they're not. Because you can talk about the process. So if I was sitting down with that couple, I would ask the person who wanted to talk about emotion, "Could you share with your partner what's happening for you and what it's like for you, when you're... What is so important for you about wanting to share your heart?" And you make it simple. That's the other thing, "What is so important for you about wanting to share your heart, about wanting to understand something about your partner's emotions? Can you help him understand that?" And the person might say, "Well yeah, there's times in the relationship where I kind of feel lonely, it's like I'm in a relationship, but I can't quite put my hand on you Tom, I don't quite know where you are, I don't quite know how you're feeling about me, and I kind of feel lonely." Sue Johnson: And when people talk on this process level, it's usually new to the other person. The other person says, "I didn't know that you felt lonely, I felt like you were just fed up with me and that I wasn't emotional enough for you." So this is how it kind of goes. Usually the person who's looking for this emotional connection is saying, "Where are you, where are you, where are you? Can you connect with me? I need this emotional connection." And we know how important that is to people. Psychology pathologized that for a long time saying, "Oh no, you shouldn't need that. It's somehow immature." And now, what we're understanding is, no, no, no, it's just who we are. It's how your brain is structured, you're a bonding mammal and you need this sense of connection. So that person would say, "I don't need to talk about my emotions forever." That's the other thing, that people have fears the other person who's more withdrawn or more introverted would say, "Well, like if we start talking about emotions, are we gonna have to talk about it like for a week?" Usually the fear there is, "I'm gonna get overwhelmed." I'm not gonna know how to do it right. Sue Johnson: So it's important for the person to say, "No, I don't need to talk about emotions for a week, I just need to be able to check in with you and connect." And the other person says, "Oh well, that's really not so hard." And then the other person needs to be able to say, "I'm slower than you. I'm more externally focused than you. I'm not as embedded as you in my emotions. I need to think about it a bit and I'm not always sure how I feel. And if I'm gonna share with you my emotions then you got to like understand that. And I also wanna connect about other things." The joke with me and my husband is that, his favorite place to go is a hardware store. [laughter] Sue Johnson: So I can't remember where we were, we were somewhere exotic. Oh, we were on this beautiful little island, a couple of days ago. And we're wandering around after coffee, and my husband's looking across the street and he's looking at the hardware store, and I said, "No. You don't wanna go in the hardware." He said, "I just wanna go in and find... " Right, so I wanna go look in the art galleries, he wants to go to the hardware store. The point is, if you can talk about them and talk about your needs and your softer feelings, and you can be responsive to your partner, you can deal with all kinds of differences. Tricky part is, that so many of us, that's not what happens. Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: What happens is we get stuck. We get stuck. The person who's wanting connection gets upset and angry and says, "You never talk to me." And that's a challenge and it's an accusation, really. And then the other person feels like they're failing, they can't do what they're partner wants and they say, "Well I don't wanna talk right now, I'm busy right now." So they shut down more; the more they shut down, the more the other person gets upset, and that is what brings so many people into seeing someone like me. And that's what I try to lay out for people in my book for the public, Hold Me Tight, because so many people don't understand that we can get trapped there, and then the dance takes us over. And before you know where you are, the other person looks like the enemy, and looks like somebody who's so different than you, that you don't even know what to do with it. So it's a good question. And we think it's always about gender, but it's not always. I've worked with folks where it's the man saying, "I wanna talk to you or I wanna get close." And it's the woman saying, "What are you talking about? I come home from my law practice, I'm exhausted." And so people have to be able to be emotionally accessible and open and responsive to each other. It's not about making cognitive deals. Cognitive deals, they don't go to the right level. It's about being able to share what's going on with you. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: I don't know if I've answered your question. Have I answered your... I think I have. Neil Sattin: You have. Yeah, in detail. And one little point about that, that I'm curious about, because I was thinking about the question and thinking, "Okay, so we reached this point." As you said, it used to be pathologized when someone was emotional in a relationship. How do we avoid pathologizing the other partner who is less emotionally oriented? Sue Johnson: I think what we've learned over the years in emotionally focused therapy, is we think of emotions and how we deal with emotions as somehow random or irrational. And what we've learned over the years is emotions aren't irrational for a start, there's always a good reason for why you feel the way you feel. Emotions are all about telling you what matters in the world and what is important for your survival. And people have very good reasons. They have learned to focus on certain things and to deal with their emotions in a certain way to survive. And they're standing in front of you, so it worked, it worked on some level. Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: And now, that's what they know how to do. So I remember working with a man who could hardly... He could not look into his wife's face, for sure, and talk about his inner world. If he was going to do it, he had to go very slowly and stare at the rug, stare at the carpet. But what he told me was, he grew up in a very violent family, where the music to their dance was all kind of hostility and rage and violence all the time. So any time he heard that music, his brain would go into alarm. And his brain would start looking for ways out. And he needed to be able to tell this partner that, but they were very good reasons why when she would up the emotional music, he would start to freeze and go still. Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: And there's no point in telling him that's bad or you mustn't do that, that doesn't help at all. The most useful thing is to say, "Well, you must have a very good reason for that. Obviously, that was important for you to be able to do that right now. And can you tell your wife how can she help you? How can she help you not move immediately into that shutdown?" Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: He said, "Oh, she can talk slowly." And his wife roared with laughter, because, of course, she spoke very fast. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Totally. Sue Johnson: He said, "She can speak slowly, because everyone in my family spoke very fast and all this fast emotional stuff coming at me, and I feel like I'm in a hail of bullets." Listen to his image, "I'm in a hail of bullets, I'm gonna get hurt." Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: No, we must not pathologize. People have certain ways of regulating their emotions. And the thing about that is, if we accept them and we understand them, people can then add to them. Relatively withdrawn folks can learn to come out and talk about what's happening inside and know that it works, and that the other person listens and actually it creates connection. And people who are really hungry for emotional connection, for all kinds of good reasons, could also learn to trust another person and to not have everything so urgent all the time. Like, "You've got to speak to me now." Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: Can translate into, "Basically I know you care for me, and I'm gonna take a deep breath here, and I'm gonna give you some space after you come home from work. And I'm gonna trust that, then if I come and talk to you, you'll be willing to talk to me." Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: So it's a lot of distress in relationships comes from partners triggering each other and ending up feeling disconnected and insecure, rejected, or abandoned. And as human beings, what people don't get is that feeling rejected and abandoned by someone you count on, your brain translates that into a danger, straight danger, just like walking up on a freeway, crossing a freeway is danger. Your brain says, "Uh-oh, emotional isolation. If you call no one will come. Danger!" Right? Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: And people don't understand how they trigger each other. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And so the words that come up to mind for me is: One, I'm hearing that there's this sense of moderation. The "emotional person," I'm putting that in quotes, like learning how to be emotional without overwhelming another person. And the less emotional person learning like, I don't think anyone is devoid of emotions, but learning like, "Oh, there's actually something happening here." And it could be useful, it doesn't have to overwhelm the system. But it's not like you're gonna turn a non-emotional person into emotional person unless they discover some joy in that. I'm reminded of a conversation with... Sue Johnson: I think that's a good point. Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. I'm reminded of a conversation with Dan Siegel, where he talks about... He was doing mindfulness work with someone who was in their 80s or 90s and woke that person up to their physical sensation and their emotional experience, and suddenly the world was a rich place where they really wanted to be and we're enjoying it more. It's not to say that that's required, but I think that's available for people if they're willing to dip their toe into that water. Sue Johnson: Yes, and also in relationships, the bottom line is, relationships are all about emotion, relationships are a dance, and the emotion is the music, and relationships are all about emotion. So when I'm working with a couple and one partner says something pretty loaded they're like, "Well, sometimes I think about leaving. I get so desperate I think about leaving." And I say to the other person, who might be the rather shutdown person, "What's happening for you?" And they say, "Nothing." I mean, I deal with it respectfully, but the bottom line is, in my head I say, "No. That's impossible. If you care about this person and you're not dead, and you're not a lizard, you are feeling, because she just sparked alarm in your mammalian brain. In your mammalian brain that knows that emotional isolation and losing someone who's a huge resource for you and who you depend on is a safety cue. Your mammalian brain knows that, your whole nervous system sings that song." So when people say, "No. I feel nothing." I just go, "Aha!" Neil Sattin: Right. And I think with what you're... Go ahead. Sue Johnson: Then I say, "Let's try that again. She turned to you and she's dead." And I run it past his amygdala again and finally he says, "Well, well, well, I don't know. I just wanna get out of here." So then he starts to tell me, "My body tells me to just get out of here. So then we go with that." And the whole thing opens up. We haven't taught people to trust their emotions and listen to them and make them their friend, we haven't taught therapists that. We've taught people that emotions are sort of dangerous stuff, they get out of control, they're associated with women. [chuckle] Women kind of going hysterical. Neil Sattin: What's wrong with that? Sue Johnson: Yeah, that's a bad idea. So there's a lot of interesting stuff in our society about putting rationality on a pedestal and ditching our emotional realities, actually, when the bottom line is, it's our emotions that organize our inner world and it's our emotions that organize the signals we send to others and the way we dance with others. So from my point of view, we might as well get to know them and start to use them well, but then I do something called emotion-focused therapy. So I am gonna feel that way. Neil Sattin: Right, right. Thank you so much. I'm wondering before we go, 'cause I promised something quick, and it's so easy to talk to you, and we could keep talking about that very topic, probably for an hour. Sue Johnson: We could. Neil Sattin: I'm wondering if you'd be willing to just... Anyone listening, if they wanted to do one thing today that would infuse their relationship with some positive energy, and if they're not in a relationship maybe just infuse their relationships with others in their life with some positive energy. What's one thing that they might be able to do? They turn off this podcast and they can go and do it today. Sue Johnson: Oh my goodness, there's so many things you could do. Neil Sattin: I know, I know. Sue Johnson: There's so many things you could do. What we see when couples have repaired their relationship or when they've gone through our education groups, is that they reach for each other. They reach for each other, and they risk sharing. So that's what we do when relationships are working. So that doesn't have to be a big thing. I worked with somebody last week, for a whole week. This young woman was helping me, and at some point during the evening I looked across at her face and I saw... And she was starting to talk about something and I saw the emotional music change and her face change, and I suddenly really got in my body that this was something... She was in pain, she was certainly in pain. She wasn't just chatting anymore, she was in pain. And usually, I don't know what we do with that, we kind of don't want to embarrass the person, so we stay away. And I just had this incredible feeling, so I saw that she was vulnerable, so I reached. Sue Johnson: So what did I do? I didn't want to embarrass her, so I just went around the table and sat beside her and put my hand on her arm and looked at her. What I was saying to her, we do so much non-verbal. What I said to her with my eyes was, "I see that you're in pain." And she just turned into my neck for a minute. Some other people at the table might not even have noticed. She just turned into me for a minute and put her hand on my hand. It was like, "I see you. I see you and I care that you are there." And so, I reached to her and she... It's like her whole body told me, "Thank you. Thank you for this." People love it when we see them. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: We do this with our dogs, we do this with babies, we forget the adults want it too. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: My dog will come and drop his toy at my feet, and I'll say, "Oh, you want to play? You're such a good dog." And my dog will quiver in joy. Why can't we do that with people? Just see them, see them and respond to them. It's so powerful, and in our busy lives, we don't do that very... We don't listen, we don't honor, we don't say, it's like we say to people with our actions, "I see you. We're two human beings on this planet. In this short little time we have here, I see you. I'm with you, you're not alone here, you matter." That's a very powerful message. Neil Sattin: I agree. Such a gift to give someone else your care, your attention, to actually see them fully. Thank you so much, Sue, for joining us for this quick dive into your world and your world of relationships. Sue Johnson: So is this sue4? Neil Sattin: This is sue4. Sue Johnson: It is sue4 and do I improve every time, Neil? Neil Sattin: I think we both improve. I think we both do. Sue Johnson: Okay, that was very insensitive of me. Yes, you do improve, Neil. We both improve every time. That's right. Okay. Neil Sattin: Thank you so much for your willingness to join today and yeah, for you listening, neilsattin.com/sue4 to check out the transcript and download it. And Sue, I'm so looking forward to talking with you again sometime soon. Sue Johnson: Yes. Take care. Neil Sattin: Take care.  

How can what we know about attachment and the power of our emotions, create deeper intimacy and resolve conflicts with your partner? In today’s episode you’re going to learn about a particular kind of conversation that you can have with your partner that can change everything. This week, our guest is Sue Johnson, author of  Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, and the founding director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. In Hold Me Tight, Dr. Johnson shares her groundbreaking and remarkably successful program for creating stronger, more secure relationships and she’s going to share some of her wisdom on that topic with you today. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Also, please check out our first three episodes with Sue Johnson – Episode 100: Attraction – How to Sustain It and How to Revive It – with John Gottman and Sue Johnson, Episode 82: How Safety Leads to Better Sex – Sue Johnson, and Episode 27: Breaking Free from Your Patterns of Conflict with Sue Johnson. Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored an amazing company with a special offer for you. Our first sponsor today is Audible. Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet and now, with Audible Originals, the selection has gotten even better with custom content made for members. As a special offer, Audible wants to give you a free 30 day trial and 1 free audiobook. Go to Audible.com/relationship or text RELATIONSHIP to 500500 to get started. Our second sponsor is one of my wife Chloe’s favorite online clothing retailers, ModCloth. With the year wrapping up, it’s time to put a bow on 2018 and...think about new outfits, and the new you! Whether you’re still craving cozy sweaters or you’re ready to start stocking up for spring, ModCloth is your go-to. To get 15 percent off your purchase of $100 or more, go to modcloth.com and enter code ALIVE at checkout. This offer is valid for one time use only and expires on March 3rd, 2019. Resources: Check out Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight Online course Visit Sue Johnson’s website to learn more about her work. Pick up your copy of Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/sue3 to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Julie Henderson. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome, to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. We've spoken a lot on this show about attachment, and the way that attachment influences how we operate in our lives and in our relationships. And I wanted to bring back one of the masters of showing us how to use what we know about attachment in relationship to the show, to talk about her new online program, and also to answer some questions from you, because we had some people in the Facebook group chime in with questions for this illustrious guest, who has been with us several times before. Her name is Sue Johnson. You probably know her as the creator of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or EFT, which is how we'll refer to it in this episode. She was here in Episode 27, talking about how to break free from patterns of conflict. She was here in Episode 82, talking about how creating safety in your relationship leads to better sex. And we had the double hitter in Episode 100, with her and John Gotman, both talking about how to sustain and revive attraction in your relationship. Neil Sattin: Today, we're going to focus on Hold Me Tight, which is one of Sue's breakthrough books that explains how couples can take this journey, these several conversations that they can have, that lead them into deeper intimacy both in terms of understanding themselves in relationship, also how to work through conflict, forgiveness, sex, you name it, it's there in the book. And this has all been rolled out recently in an online program called Hold Me Tight Online, we're going to talk more about that. Sue also has a book coming out right around the beginning of 2019, on attachment theory in practice. And this is using emotionally focused therapy with individuals and families as well as couples. So, we may touch on that a little bit, and hopefully we'll also get to have Sue back to chat when that book comes out. Neil Sattin: I think that's enough from me. In the meantime, if you want to download a transcript of this episode, please visit neilsattin.com/sue3, so that's S-U-E, and then the number three. Or as always, you can text the word Passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions to get the transcript for this episode and our other episodes. Neil Sattin: Also, if you are interested in the online program that Sue is going to be talking about, you can visit neilsattin.com/holdmetight, and that will take you to a page where you can find out more about Sue Johnson's Hold me Tight Online program. Sue, thank you so much for sitting through that long introduction and it's such a pleasure to have you here again with us on Relationship Alive. Sue Johnson: Oh, it's always nice to be with you. Neil Sattin: Well, we have a lot to talk about today, and we'll do our best to be succinct. And I also want to encourage you listening that we're not going to go over all the finer points of what we've already talked about, those other episodes are there for you to listen to. But Sue, maybe we could start by just talking about what is emotionally focused therapy, what makes it unique from other ways that people might be used to working with therapists or understanding themselves. Sue Johnson: Emotionally Focused Therapy, as the title suggests, it basically works from the premise that the most powerful thing in a relationship is the emotional music that's playing. The emotional music is what structures a relationship, it's what organizes a relationship, defines, leads the partners to dance in a particular way with each other. So it's sort of dedicated to the idea that, if you want to understand relationships, and if you want to shape your relationship intentionally, whether to repair it or whether to just simply keep it strong, it's very important to understand the emotion that's going on when you dance with your partner. It's important to be able to deal with that emotion in a way that pulls your partner towards you. It's important to understand the impact you have on your partner. So EFT, really has focused on making emotion the couple's and the therapist's friend, and shown therapists and couples how to understand that emotion, how to deal positively with emotion, and how to use emotion to feel more connected with your partner. Sue Johnson: And I think the fact that we know how to use emotion, and we honor emotion in our work with couples, is one of the reasons why... The other special thing about EFT, is that we have a fantastic amount of research on outcome. We have over 20 studies, positive outcome studies, which makes us unique in the field of couple therapy. We're the gold standard of research in couples therapy. We do not have a problem with relapse in our research, which is pretty amazing, really. It always surprises me every time we do a study and we find no evidence of relapse, because all the sort of elephant in the room in couples therapy is that even if you can create change with a couple, you see them in a month's time or in six months time and they've kind of relapsed, they've gone back to being distressed. And that's not the case in our therapy. Sue Johnson: It's unique in that it's based on research, in terms of intervention. We've been doing this for 35 years now. It's unique in the way it deals with the most potent thing in the room, which is emotion. But in the end, the real thing that I think makes EFT different is that it's not based on somebody's idea about what love is or what relationships are all about. It's based on hundreds and hundreds of studies of adult bonding. It's based on a science of love. And so we have a map to what matters in relationships, what goes wrong, and exactly what you have to do to put it right. And that means that the EFT therapist is on target. We expect to create change, we expect our partners to grow, we expect our couples relationships to look not only a little happier, but more secure and be more stable at the end of therapy. Sue Johnson: Obviously I'm biased here, because I'm talking about my own work. I'm talking about 35 years of research and clinical work. But the truth is that we're the only approach to couple and family therapy that's based on a real science of relationships, and that science is attachment and bonding. And I think also, because of that science, in this model... The model suggests that together we're much more powerful than we are individually, and it values and honors connection between people. And so EFT practitioners and ICEEFT, the International Center for Excellence in EFT, which is our not-for-profit organization; basically, the headquarters are here in Canada. We've created communities all over the world. I think we have about 66 right now, affiliated with us to support therapists and health professionals to learn EFT, to get together and support each other, to help each other grow, to help therapists in those communities contribute to relationship education. Sue Johnson: We believe in creating community and I think that's something special about EFT. We do that wherever we go. The latest community that looks like it's going to take off is in Iran. Neil Sattin: Wow. Sue Johnson: And that's fascinating. Because of course, attachment science is about who we are as human beings. Attachment science applies to all of us, regardless of tribe, religion, political persuasion, race, gender. Attachment science, basically, is based on biology, and it tells us who we are as human beings, what our most basic needs are. So that's a bit of a mouthful, but that's what's special about EFT. [laughter] Neil Sattin: Right. Sue, I asked you for the short version. Come on. Sue Johnson: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: Okay, well, that's very hard, Neil. You know how passionate I am about what I do and how successful we are, so how can I... I'm sorry, that's the shortest I can manage, okay? Neil Sattin: No, that's great. And one thing that I really appreciate about the experience that you offer couples who are going through EFT, is that it literally does bring them along on an experience that allows them to feel each other in a different way. To feel each other's emotions in a different context, and to have that experience of getting through situations that are really tender, or challenging, or triggering and get to the other side in a way that is really constructive for their relationship and for their bonding. Sue Johnson: Yes. And we're talking about therapy here, but I know that later in the program we're going to talk about Hold Me Tight. Neil Sattin: Yes. Sue Johnson: The Hold Me Tight educational program is based on my book Hold Me Tight. And I put that relational program together. There's groups all over the countries, and all these communities run by therapists, or even people who aren't therapists. Pastors, anyone can actually buy the program and run the group, a Hold Me Tight group. And what always blows my mind when I go and do one of these groups, I think the biggest one I've ever done was with 100 couples at a time in San Francisco. And what always blows my mind is, people come up to you in the groups... Usually I do them over a weekend. And they go through the conversations that we teach them in the book. And people come up to you and they say things like, "Well, we just came cause we were curious. We don't even have any real huge issues in our relationship. And I thought that our relationship was pretty good, but this group experience has taken our relationship into places I never even knew existed." Sue Johnson: I just had one of these beautiful ones last week. This person sent me an email: "We didn't even know that we could have this kind of closeness and this kind of emotional connection. And we feel like it's changed how we'll be with each other in the future, so thank you." And I think what they're talking about is the profound, profound effect of being able to help people move into profound, bonding, conversations. They are the conversations... This is biologically prepared, powerful, experience. These are the conversations that our nervous system is wired to resonate to. These are the conversations that our brain says, "Yes, this is safe, and this is close, and this is what I want and need. This is what gives me the ability to stand up in the world and be strong." And people resonate with them. They are powerful, powerful experiences. And that's why we don't get relapse. Because you're brain... If you know how to have these bonding conversations, you remember them. They're not just something you put aside and say, "Oh, that was interesting but I don't think about it anymore." Sue Johnson: Your whole nervous system zings with the memory of them. And once you've had these experiences, your brain wants you to go back there. So bonding experiences are... We remember them all our lives. We remember the moments when we were vulnerable and our father turned and held us and said something to us. We remember that all our lives, we hold on to it. We go back to it when we're unhappy and sad. We go back to it with a thrill of joy. These experiences are core to what we need as human beings. So when you help people move into them in therapy or in an educational group, or even online together in the privacy of their own home, there's something very profound about that, and truly growth producing for individuals and for couples about that. And attachment science has shown us how to get there, how to... If we really understand who we are as human beings, of course we can craft powerful, transformative, experiences. Right? And that's the thing that keeps me passionate about this work. I think it keeps... EFT is passionate in general. Neil Sattin: And I want to take our listeners on this journey, a little bit, today. We'll give them a taste of this kind of experience. But before we do, I'm curious about how do you get when someone isn't along for the ride? [chuckle] Neil Sattin: And this is often the case in a couple, right? Where one person hears Sue Johnson on Relationship Alive and says, "We gotta find an EFT therapist, or we gotta buy this book Hold Me Tight." Or whatever it is, right? And the other person is maybe just like, "Yeah, I don't buy that therapy stuff." Or, "Sounds really like unhealthy co-dependence." When people come at it with their negative bias about it, or maybe they're just stonewalling and they're shut down to the influence of their partner at this stage in their relationship. How do you help enlist the partner in actually wanting, or hopefully, inviting them to participate in something like this? Sue Johnson: Oh, well that happens quite a lot. Even when people come for therapy sometimes, they're kind of being dragged there. Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: You can tell they're waiting... They're in the room with their teeth gritted, and they're... [chuckle] They're just wanting to wait for you to stop talking so they can explain how they've got to leave now, that's how you feel. What we do in EFT is what we always do. We start where people are. It's an incredible mistake from an EFT point of view to start telling people to be different. You just become dangerous when you do that, and they'll protect themselves against you. So, we start where we are. And I can give... For an example, I just did a session with an an Inuit couple, and we started with the fact that to sit and talk to somebody like me is definitely not part of Inuit male culture. And we talked about the fact that from his point of view the very best way of dealing with any problem was to go hunting. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: And I talked about that with him. I didn't explain therapy. That's the wrong channel. He's not interested in getting information from me, he's not even interested in it. So we talked about hunting, and we talked about what that did for him, and how when he hunted he felt competent. And he was out in a bitter environment but he was somehow in charge. And we talked about how strange it was for him to even think about sitting and talking about his emotions with someone like me, or reading the Hold Me Tight book. And as I joined with him, and listened to him, and had him teach me about how he dealt with his emotions, engaged other people, dealt with his needs for closeness, how he dealt with his vulnerability, which is... You can't get out of those things, they are universal, right? Unless you're a lizard or something, you have to be actively engaged with those three things. As we sat and talked about it he became more open. And I said, "Alright, well it sounds like your hunting has saved your life. It sounds like your hunting has really done a lot for you. And I think it's wonderful that you've been able to do that. And you're right, I can't offer you that experience. So would you like to talk to... Are you curious at all? And maybe I can help you feel some of the same kind of sure... " Sue Johnson: Cause he talked in words like "sureness" and "ground under his feet". He used these images. So I said, "Well, maybe I could help you find some of that sense of sureness and ground under your feet, when you're talking to your lady and you see that she's disappointed with you, which I'm hearing is one of the moments where you decide to go hunting." [chuckle] Sue Johnson: And I'd listen to him, he'd listen to me. He experienced me as safe. I wasn't telling him how to be. And so he said, "Yes that would be interesting." And he starts to look me in the eye and he starts to look up at me more, and he starts to... He's suddenly engaged. And we begin. We begin with what would he like to change in his relationship and what is happening to him in those moments in the relationship? We begin with his pain, we begin with the dilemmas that he would like a solution to, and we go slowly because in his culture that's the way it works. You speak slowly and you deal with things at a slow pace. I'm sorry, I'm getting interruption here, I forgot to turn off my phone it'll stop in a minute. Neil Sattin: It's okay. Sue Johnson: So we go slowly. And gradually he comes, he becomes curious. So you start where people are, you validate their uncertainty, their reluctance. If you think about it just in very human terms, the last thing you want to do if you are uncertain and vulnerable, is to go to talk to some strange professional person about that. You're worried about being shamed, you're worried about them telling you that there is something wrong with you, you're worried about what they are going to tell you about their relationship. You don't feel safe. Neil Sattin: Right. And of course what's challenging about these conversations when they happen just between partners in a relationship, is that they are so often very quickly triggering conversations. Sue Johnson: That's right. That's right. The partner hears, "Well, you don't even care enough about our relationship to go and talk to somebody about it, so that just proves what a creep you are." And people get stuck there. But what we are talking about is also another reason why I went to all the trouble to try and create the Hold Me Tight program, educational program. Because I assume that even though couple therapy is becoming a bit more normative, there are a huge number of people who would rather have their feet roasted in an oven than come to couple therapy, right? And they won't come. So I said, "Okay, then maybe they'd come to a group put on by their pastor in their church. Or, maybe they'd come to a group put on in the local hall with 10 other couples." And then it went to, "No, there's a whole bunch of people who won't come to that either." [chuckle] Beause in our culture, we hide our vulnerability or our uncertainty. And so I went, "Okay, well then there is a whole bunch of people, maybe they'd do an online program that's friendly and fun, and they do it in their own homes where they feel safe and private." So then of course that leaves us putting all the energy into creating an online. Sue Johnson: And I think what we are talking about here is the EFT commitment. Well, I'll just make it personal, my commitment. The commitment in this model, and if you are an attachment theorist, is not just to create a very good model, research it, and teach people about it. Which is big enough. We've been doing that for 35 years. The commitment is that as a psychological approach, that we have something to offer society and that we can help society learn to honor and value relationships, shape better relationships. That's what we're trying to do. So therapy, education. I think the main issue here that we're up against, where the person asked the question, is that our society, our culture, has not seen love relationships as something that are understandable, are shapeable, that you can shape, that you can learn to create, that you can nurture deliberately with intention. We don't talk about love like that. We say you fall in, you fall out. And we've basically had a very narrow mistaken view of romantic love relationships, and I think who we are as human beings. So people, they really don't see... They not only, "I'm not sure a therapist can help or a group can help." They really don't see love as something that you can craft and shape and understand. And we're trying to change that. We're trying to have an impact on that. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I think that's one reason why we resonate, you and I, so much is that that's definitely part of my mission and Relationship Alive's mission in the world as well. To affect that transformation. Because that is definitely a big deal, that there are a lot of people who don't quite understand that you can actually adjust things in ways that are actually helpful. Sadly, I think a lot of people have this story that they know of a couple that tried therapy and it just blew up their marriage or that sort of thing. It's just one positive experience at a time, I think, and the way that that ripples out in to the world. That people get the sense of, "Oh actually we know a lot more about how to do this than we did 20 years ago." And that's why we are having this conversation. Sue Johnson: Right. And that's the message we keep trying to get out there. And you know it is so interesting, the news is always focused on bad news. That's what the news wants to report. But I always say I don't really understand, it's beyond me why at some point, it hasn't been all over the front of the New York Times, that we now have a science of romantic love, of love period. That we now understand it. We have an incredible theory and science about what it's all about, that attachment started off with looking at the bonding between mother and child, and now it's grown. In the last 15 years it's been applied to adult relationships, and it really has so much to say about who we are and what we need to thrive and survive, and how we are relational beings, and how to create good loving relationships. And surely, this is revolutionary. Surely this is at least as important as understanding DNA, I think so. Neil Sattin: It's at least page two, if not the front page. Sue Johnson: I think it's the headline. I think it is much more important than us putting all this energy into going in rockets to the stars. Why don't we learn to become powerful, bonded, connected, cooperating human beings on this planet? Maybe we wouldn't need to go to the stars. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Yeah, I hear ya, I totally hear you there. And this makes me wonder too, because there needs... I want to befriend to that person or persons who decide what goes on the front page of the New York Times. And if I meet that person I'll put in a good word for you, Sue. Sue Johnson: For sure, okay. Neil Sattin: And I am thinking that often what brings light on a particular subject is not how amazing it is, although sometimes that is true. But often it's the controversy that accompanies it. And that makes me wonder for you, your own perspective on what I think some people do still perceive as a controversy between attachment theory in relationships and how important it is to understand the science of bonding, and differentiation, and people learning to stand on their own two feet, and taking responsibility for themselves. And the interplay of those things. Yeah. So go ahead. Sue Johnson: Well, basically I think we in psychology have a huge responsibility here. Because we didn't know enough and so we set those things up. We set up being a strong individual and acknowledging your need for others as dichotomies. We set them up like they're on opposite sides of a long line. Like they're opposites. And of course they're not. That is a mistaken way of looking at it. All the research, and I'm talking about thousands of studies now. All the research since about 1960 points to the fact that the bottomline is the more securely connected to others you are, the more sure you are of yourself, the more... If you like, the more securely connected you are, the more articulated, coherent, and positive, your sense of self is. So, you find out who you are, you differentiate with others, not from others. If you look at the differentiation literature, it almost implies that there is a point in time where you just decide to look in the mirror and define yourself and tell yourself you're great, and that you can self soothe and you can do all this for yourself. This is nonsense, this is not who we are. We never get to that point. Sue Johnson: And the only people who look in the mirror, and totally define themselves and tell themselves they're wonderful and don't need other people, we call them psychopaths. And they are not particularly known for being wonderful members of society or particularly happy. It's a mistake we made because we didn't have the big picture. We just saw a little foot of the elephant that said that our needs, if they are expressed in negative ways, can get us into trouble. Our needs for others can get us into trouble, And indeed, that's true. But that's what we saw. So in family therapy for example, we focused on issues like enmeshment. And that's so interesting because we don't do that when we work with families in EFT. We focus on how people deal with their anxiety, and we help them move into that anxiety and hold it and regulate it, and be able to express that anxiety in ways that are not cohesive to other people, and not demeaning for themselves. And ways that pull the other people close. And they grow, and the relationships grow. That's what we do and we do it all the time. Sue Johnson: We don't find enmeshment or co-dependency particularly useful concepts. We just see it that people are stuck being anxious about the safety of their relationships. And when you're anxious, you either get all upset and try to yell and scream and demand and control things, or you tend to shut down and numb out. And neither of them are useful. They don't get you what you need. I think what I'm saying is, it's a much more integrated and rounded out and complete picture of differentiation and individuation and self soothing that you get from taking the whole picture of attachment and bonding in context. It's the little child who knows the mother will come if he calls, who goes out and believes that he can run down the slide, and who manages his distress if he finds that maybe he falls off the slide. He knows that if he calls his mum will come, he's in a safe universe where he feels loved and held, and his mother has come a number of times. So he's learned that distress is manageable and that he can manage it, and that he can call for another. He's internalized that sense of safety in the world. And he will grow up with a stronger sense of self and a stronger ability to go out into the world and take risks. Sue Johnson: This isn't a theory, there's thousands of studies on this now, this isn't a theory. Securely attached people who know how to trust others and reach for others, and who believe that others will be there for them, consistently have a better self-image, they are more able to take risks, they're more able to face the world, they're more resilient. They're basically, if you like, more differentiated. So this dichotomy is a false one, and it's really about the old theories of human functioning which are kind of in boxes. We've never had the whole picture coming up against the new approach to looking at human beings, which is attachment. And it's really the conflict between the old and the new there, and there doesn't have to be a conflict at all is what I'm saying. Neil Sattin: Right. I appreciate that. That you've, I think, shown very clearly how they include each other. That one comes with the other. And as soon as you split them apart that's when they start, either one, starts to become a little dysfunctional. Sue Johnson: I think on emotional level it really isn't about that. I think on an emotional level, it's about the fact that we all know that if we need another, that introduces a level of vulnerability. And I think, and especially in our society, we don't want to talk about that vulnerability. We want to believe that we're invulnerable. And society says you're supposed to be able to soothe yourself, deal with everything, live life at 50 miles an hour, have everything. So we want to believe we're invulnerable. And what attachment really says is, "That's not the way to real strength." Real strength is to understand where you're vulnerable. Understand the essence of your vulnerability, which is also a beautiful thing in human beings. Understand their need for closeness, the way they be able to tune into others, and you're own need for closeness, and accept that vulnerability. And then know how to deal with it positively. That is really strength, not the denial of vulnerability." Neil Sattin: Yeah. And this makes me think of the Hold Me Tight conversation. Sue Johnson: Yep. Neil Sattin: And I love how in our very first conversation where we talked about changing your conflict patterns, we talked a lot about discovering your demon dialogues, and the first three conversations that are part of the overall Hold Me Tight sequence. Sue Johnson: Yes. Neil Sattin: But then I'm thinking of the fulcrum, really, of Hold Me Tight sitting in the middle. So could we talk for a moment about what is the, 'the', Hold Me Tight conversation that happens and why is that so important? Sue Johnson: Well, what happens in a Hold Me Tight conversation is you have already... If you're helping a couple create one, it doesn't matter whether you're doing it in therapy or in an educational group or in an online program. Before you ask people to go into a Hold Me Tight conversation, you have helped them create a certain safety and sense of trust in their relationship. Because you cannot do a Hold Me Tight conversation while you are vigilant for danger, waiting for a negative pattern, like some sort of... Waiting to deal with an attack from your partner, or just waiting for your partner to let you down. When you're on guard, you can't move into a Hold Me Tight conversation. So you have to have a certain sense of safety first, and we've learned to take you there in EFT, and all the various forms of EFT. But once you have that, really what a Hold Me Tight conversation does is it moves people gradually into the three elements that we know are key to a bonding conversation. Sue Johnson: What defines the safety of a bond in a relationship is how emotionally accessible, responsive, and engaged you are. A-R-E; Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged. And I always relate it to, that the key question in a lot of relationships is, "Are you there for me?" A-R-E. Are you accessible? Are you open? Are you responsive to me? Will you tune into me? Will you move towards me when I call? Am I important enough that you'll tune into me and pay attention to me? Do you care about my needs? Will you engage me? Will you come and meet me on the dance floor? Maybe struggle even if I'm struggling with me? Are you committed to really being with me in a dance, even we are caught in a negative dance? Hold Me Tight conversations really create that emotional openness, that ability to send messages to each other that evoke empathy and caring, help the other person respond, that help us see that vulnerability in our partner and respond with what they need. And help us stay engaged even when that engagement gets hard. And it's really about being able to talk about... In the end, it's a conversation about your fears. And we all have the same fears in relationships, we're all terrified of rejection and abandonment. Sue Johnson: Those things are wired in, it doesn't say... It's nothing to do with personality strength or anything, it's to do with the fact that we're bonding animals, and abandonment and rejection are danger cues to our mammalian brain. They're life threatening, literally. We're born so vulnerable, when our brain is being formed, we know how to take our next breath, that if we are totally rejected or abandoned and left, we die. We know we're at risk. And we never lose that sense. So this vulnerability is wired in, and we're all afraid of rejection and abandonment, so we have these fears. And how we deal with these fears really has a lot to do with how we end up engaging others. And then it's not... But it's not just about how we deal with our fears, it's about whether we can actually know how, or have had the experience of being able to actually pinpoint our needs for connection, comfort, support, caring. Our needs... Just to share our reality to find out how valid it is. That's such a human need. Sue Johnson: To be able to share our needs, pinpoint them, and share them in a way that our partner can hear them and pulls our partner close to us. In the end, a bonding conversation is about sharing your vulnerabilities, your fears, and your needs in a way that helps your partner respond and come close. And helps you and them become accessible, responsive, and engaged on an emotional level. And that is the essence of bonding. And powerful conversations that can change the way you see yourself, the way you see other people, the way you experience your world. Neil Sattin: So this conversation that's about talking about your fears, sharing your needs and your vulnerabilities with your partner. And I love how you... The important thing comes at the end there, which is, in a way that invites your partner closer. Sue Johnson: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And I'm wondering if you can talk a little bit about what allows that to happen versus... 'Cause I think some people might hear that and think, "Oh god, my partner's already so needy and vulnerable. They're needy all the time. So I want them to be more needy? How's that going to work?" Sue Johnson: No, it's not about being more needy. It's about being able to hold on to your emotional balance and own your needs, and then ask for them to be met. And that is very different from what most of us see as the norm in relationships. Which is, "I expect my... " For most of us it's like, "I expect my partner... If my partner loves me, my partner already knows my needs." That's a huge myth in relationships. And what we want to do is we want our partner to respond to those needs without us having to actually show that we need. Because in our society we've been taught that showing that you need is somehow shameful or not okay, or it means you're immature, or whatever it means. It means you're not an independent adult, whatever that is. So most of us don't want to show our needs, and we don't quite know how to talk about them. And so then of course we're massively surprised that the message doesn't come across to our partner. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: It's quite humbling to write these books and do all these training tapes and do all these studies, and then talk to your own partner, or your own children, your own son, and hear yourself doing exactly the same things that we all do, and that couples do. You just hear yourself rather than turning and telling your partner that you are feeling upset by something and you would like to be reassured and comforted, you hear yourself turn and get accusatory or demanding or give advice or start telling your partner they should know better, having been married to you all these years, and read Hold Me Tight a few times. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: They should know better and they should be more supportive right now. Which of course I'm asking for support in a way where I have a hammer in my hand and so my partner just looks at the hammer and backs off. We get stuck in these dances because we're not tuning into our own emotional music or our partners. We don't make it easy often for our partner to see what we really need, and then when we don't get what we need, we're not very good at keeping our emotional balance and dealing with that. We get very agitated and attack or criticize, or we shut down and numb out. And neither of those things work. It's what a good science does, is it tells you how to look at basic phenomena in the world and understand them and how they work. Sue Johnson: And attachment science tells us how we work emotionally, and how relationships work. And giving advice to your partner, telling your partner what to do, explaining to your partner that they're somehow inadequate, [laughter] that doesn't work. That might be more comfortable for us than pausing for a minute, taking a breath, getting our emotional balance and saying, "What is happening with me, why am I getting so agitated here?" Then realizing that we are off balance, we're on our back foot, and we need someone to reassure us or just calm us for a moment. And being able to slow things down... And that's a lot of it actually, that emotion is fast and sometimes it's overwhelming for us and we either numb it out or we get carried away with it. Sue Johnson: Being able to keep your balance and slow things down and say, "Oh, I'm finding that very difficult, getting this letter that is telling me that I'm maybe not going to be considered for this promotion. I was pretending it didn't matter to me but in fact I'm finding it very difficult indeed. And what I really need is to be able to tell my partner somehow I feel kind of small right now because I expected to get an interview immediately, and I expected everyone to be delighted to interview me. And I'm feeling pretty small and I just need some support and reassurance." That's not what occurs to us. We get irritable or... So there's lots of ways not to connect, unfortunately. There's lots. And we do them anyway, even when we sort of know lots of information in our prefrontal cortex, we still get stuck. Neil Sattin: Right, because that part of our brain is turned off when we're in those moments of distress. And I'm wondering, for you, especially because you so graciously pointed out that you may have moments where you don't act quite by the book, What are your... Sue Johnson: Of course. Neil Sattin: What are your best ways, what are your favorite go-tos in your relationship for regrouping when things have gone off the rails a little bit? And I'm looking for your specific ways you bring yourself back into balance, ways you take responsibility for what just happened and corral the interaction back into a more generative space? Sue Johnson: It's interesting because basically I tune into all the things I've learned in EFT, but I can't... That takes a while. So if you ask me what my fast route out of that is, I'm usually able to see the few minutes of interaction, and I'm able to see the negative pattern, that I'm not actually asking for what I need. I'm usually able to see it. I should be able to do this after watching thousands of couples and all kinds of research studies. And so I'm able to see. My vision expands, if you like, from the little tiny piece of interaction that I just had or my feeling of frustration that I'm feeling. I listen to what I just said to my partner and I'm able to hear it in a broader context or see, " Wait a minute, that doesn't work, this is not the dance I want to be in." So I somehow have to have a sense of that. That I'm somehow getting stuck in some sort of narrow place that isn't going where I want to go, which is to feel safer, sounder, more connected, reassured. Somehow I know I'm going in the wrong direction. Sue Johnson: And then one way of thinking about that I've been thinking about lately, and I've written about it in my new book that's coming out in January, which is a professional book. Is I change channel. I change channel from just coping with the emotion and somehow putting it out to my partner in a way that I'm just putting it out and I'm not actually thinking about how to really connect with him with that emotion. But I change channel. And usually what that means is, I change into listening to my emotion differently, and being able to stay with the softer feelings. And I think that's what people do in general when they can do these things. They move from somehow lecturing their partner or complaining or pointing out issues or just saying a few things and hoping their partner are going to guess. Sue Johnson: They move into being able to name their emotions and to say... Or describe them in very simple ways. Like, "I feel small," or, "I feel uncertain right now," or. "for some reason I'm feeling really uncomfortable, maybe even a bit scared, and I don't quite know why." They trust themselves enough, they trust their partner enough, that they can go into those softer feelings. And when they do, when they move into that emotional space, emotion just... It's like the picture evolves. It's like what you're scared of becomes clearer, what you need becomes clearer. And when you turn and change channel into that deeper more open emotion, you give different signals. It's just natural if you stay there. Saying to someone, "For some reason that conversation I had with that person left me feeling really, really, frazzled and uncomfortable, and even a bit scared and I don't know why." That is an invitation to empathy and connection. That's completely different from, "I've had a bad day and you're not helping. I thought you were going to cook supper. And what I hope is underneath all my bad temper, you're going to see that I really need some help and comfort. But unfortunately you don't." [chuckle] "You just see that I'm dangerous and you avoid me." Right? Neil Sattin: Right. Which is exactly what you don't need in that moment. Sue Johnson: Yeah. We are not wired to deal with our vulnerability by ourselves. We can do it if we have to, for short periods of time. But we're not wired, and it's not the most efficient and effective way of dealing with our human vulnerabilities. It's not the strongest or best way to deal with our human vulnerabilities. We're wired, we're social bonding animals. We're wired to connect with other people. We're stronger together. Neil Sattin: What I hear you saying too is that, by changing the channel, you're basically going from the channel that's all about, "I'm having this emotion and I'm expressing it on you." To the channel of, "I'm realizing that I'm having this emotion. And if I wanted to connect with my partner in this moment, and around the fact that this is how I'm feeling, how would I do that?" Which invites maybe a totally different course of action in that moment. Sue Johnson: Yeah. But I don't think it's as deliberate as you're making it sound here. Usually in the first instance, people are being reactive. They're actually coping with softer emotions by shutting down or being very... Just giving facts. Or getting angry and becoming demanding. They're actually... Those are coping devices, really. The real core emotion underneath is not spoken, and so then the partner doesn't see it and doesn't see the need that that core emotion speaks to. There's a lot of conversation about this too. There's all kinds of conversations in our field about how empathy, and how empathy is a skill and you have to teach empathy skills, you have to train for it, I'm sorry, I don't think so. Sue Johnson: Empathy is right into us, it's there. What we have to do is understand what blocks it. And the main thing that blocks it is, I can't be empathic to my partner if I'm too busy dealing with my own overwhelming emotions. If most of the glucose going to my brain is dealing with my own discomfort, fear, uncertainty, I don't have any room to tune into my partner's emotions. I don't think we teach empathy, we model empathy, I guess. In Hold Me Tight groups and in the online program, people will see models of couples interacting with empathy and connection, but in the end, it's really about what blocks it, how you put out your message that blocks your partner's natural empathy, or how you can talk to your partner in a way that evokes that empathy. People are naturally empathetic and responsive, so in the EFT we just understand the blocks. And we help people dance in a way that those blocks don't come up or to see beyond those blocks. I guess that sounds a bit abstract but I think it's clear. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I think that's getting at the heart of the question that I asked you a few minutes ago, around how do you have the Hold Me Tight conversation? A conversation where you're able to tell your partner about your vulnerabilities and your fears and your needs, without it coming across as being a demand or being needy, that it comes out of that place of being aware of your feelings and seeking, I think you've said it a couple times now, the softer emotions that are underneath the things that are on the surface. Sue Johnson: Yes. And I think the other thing about that is, a big part of EFT is it's a lot easier to do that if you grasp those emotions, and you have the normalized and validated, and you don't see those emotions as somehow proof that you are somehow not strong enough. Or that you're somehow not mature enough or that there is something wrong with you. A lot of EFT is validating, honoring, and holding people's emotions. Walking, setting up experiences where they walk into those emotions gradually, and at the same time are safe in that experience because they are given a framework where those emotions are understood, honored, validated. And our society hasn't been very good at that. We don't teach kids in schools about their own emotions or about the impact they have on other kids, and how to have safe conversations. We don't teach that. It's insane, we teach kids trigonometry but we don't teach kids what I just said, and so that's nutty. There are thousands of couples out there in the world. Sue Johnson: I'm just going to give a talk, public talk, in a few weeks in Toronto in December, called "What Every Couple Needs To Know", at the big Museum in Toronto. And I really believe that this stuff is what every couple needs to know. There are thousands of couples out there who have no way of understanding the dances they're caught in. No way of understanding even their own needs. You say to people, "What do you need?" And they say, "I need her to stop nagging." Or, "I need the conflicts to stop." Or, "I need... " These kinds of... "I need my partner to have more communication skills." These are huge. They don't know how to really go to the core of what they need and what they want. And we have taught people to be ashamed of them. So, a big part of EFT is we help people understand their own emotional lives, their own... The terrain of emotion. And who we are as bonding animals. And when you can accept those needs, when you can accept that we're all human beings who need comfort and security, and life is so huge. We all need to put our hand out in the dark and call, "Are you there?" And have a reassuring hand come and meet ours. And when we can do that, we can deal with the dark. And that's just the human condition. Neil Sattin: That makes me think too that that must be how EFT approaches couples where one partner or another has a deeper trauma history. Sue Johnson: Absolutely, that's right. And I think EFT is particularly suited to helping traumatized couples, traumatized individuals. Well, in fact what's interesting is we're talking about Hold Me Tight educational groups, that's only been around for a while. And this is what happens in EFT. Things have sprung up. There's now a Hold Me Tight educational group called, "Hold Me Tight, Let Me Go", for teens and their parents. There's a Hold Me Tight educational group based on the Christian version of the book Hold Me Tight, which is called, "Created For Connection." Which looks at how Christian beliefs fit in with attachment science and the link between those two. There's a Hold Me Tight educational group for in medical settings, which is very interesting. The biggest one we've just done, which we've just got a huge grant for, in Canada, is the Big Heart Institute back in Ottawa has asked us to adapt the program, and I hope one day we'll adapt the online program for this, too. Adapt the program for couples we're dealing with where one person's had a heart attack, because the research says that the best predictor of whether you'll have another heart attack, is not the severity of the first heart attack or even the damage done to the heart, it's the quality of your most intimate relationship. Sue Johnson: And so the cardiologist actually read this research. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: And said, "Oh, we're a relational human beings." "Ah, relationships really impact health." "Ah, we better get this crazy lady in and she can adapt her educational program to cardiac patients." So we did that. It's called, "Healing Hearts Together", and the preliminary data on it says it's great, really works. I ran a few of those groups and they blew my mind, they were wonderful. So everybody needs to know this, and the uses of creating this knowledge about what matters in love and how love works and how to repair it and keep it, has infinite, infinite usefulness. Whether it's in therapy, in educational groups, and for sure, we've got to take this stuff online. The Hold Me Tight Online was a huge project. Took us four years and oceans of grief and work. And there was a number of times when I really thought, "What on earth am I doing this for?" But you have to do it. If you feel that we all need this, and that we... This is sort of very basic information for us thriving and surviving. We have to make it accessible for people and so many things are online now. Neil Sattin: Yeah. And having gone through the course online, I can say that it's clear how much effort that you put in and how you tried to address different learning styles and give people lots of different examples, and make it entertaining at times. Sue Johnson: Yes. [chuckle] We even have cartoons, which at first, when my colleague said, "We need a cartoon couple." I said, "No, no, no, no, no." But yeah, we've got cartoons and we've got music and we've got images, and we've got me giving chats and other experts giving chats, and we've got exercises that we tailor to you. It was a lot of work. But hopefully, the couples... The idea is that it's accessible to everybody, then. What I would like, which is a complete silly dream, but... Oh no, it's actually not a silly dream. What I would like is for our western governments, the government of Canada, for example, to say, "Okay, Sue, we'd like to make the Hold Me Tight Online educational program available to all couples in Canada, or everyone who's just gotten married or something. We'll make it incredibly cheap. Will you help us do that?" And I say, "Of course." And I was just going to tell you that's impossible, and I forgot that actually a much simpler version, not at all the online program we've got now, but a much, much simpler, pared-down version. The government of Finland, has actually just helped my Finnish colleagues make their version of Hold Me Tight Online, a very simple version of it, available to almost all Finnish couples, which blows my mind. Neil Sattin: Wow. Sue Johnson: But they've done that because they believe that stable loving relationships and stable loving families, create stable, caring, positive, thriving societies. And of course, they're right about that. That's the way to do it. So. Yeah. Why am I talking about this? I don't know. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: Hold Me Tight online was a lot of work, but at this point I'm quite proud of it. And I'm glad that you enjoyed it and that you found it very... We wanted to make it fun. We made it for the people who would never dream of coming for therapy or even reading my book or even going to a group. So we thought, "Well then, we better make it fun because these people are used to having fun online." We did our best. I think it's pretty good. It's just like everything we do, we're very pleased with it for about a year and then we find ways that we could have done it better. This is kind of classic. I know that I'm going to feel the same way about my book, my therapy book that is coming out in January, which is EFT For Individuals, Couples, and Families. But it's really a book all about attachment. I know that I'll be pleased for about a week, and then I'll read it, and by next Summer I'll have found all the ways that I could have done it better. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Well, fortunately, that ensures new editions or new books or new versions, and new conversations for the podcast. So I feel totally fine about that, that you're... Sue Johnson: Do you? Neil Sattin: Yeah. That you'll be constantly improving. Sue, you've been so generous with your time and wisdom. And I do want to ensure that everyone has the links so that... They will be, of course, available on the page for this episode which is Neilsattin.com/Sue3. And then you can also, if you're interested in the Hold Me Tight online program, you can visit Neilsattin.com/holdmetight and that will take you to a page where you can find out more about the program. Sue, I'm wondering if we can... I have just two quick questions for you. Sue Johnson: Sure. Neil Sattin: They can be quick or not, it's up to you, But if they're quick it's totally fine. The first was another take on when I asked you what are your favorite ways of coming back when your conversations have gone off the rails, and you brought up changing the channel. Often, because we're such astute observers of our partners, it happens that we notice that our partner is totally triggered about something. Sue Johnson: Yes. Neil Sattin: And so I'm wondering, when you notice, "Oh, my husband is... He's triggered right now." What do you like to do in order to help bridge the gap in that moment? Sue Johnson: That's a nice question. I think the best guide to this is what we naturally do with beings where the vulnerability is not so hidden, I.e. Children and dogs. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: If you watch people with little kids, or you watch people with dogs, which I find fascinating, okay? They naturally, if they see vulnerability, if you watch them they slow down, they lower their voice, they lean in, they give more attention, they give a focused kind of attention, they might ask a question or they might reach with their hand. You know? It's fascinating to me... Let's just take dogs, if you watch dogs. I remember sitting in a Starbucks, I can't remember why I was doing this, years ago. And watching all the people look on their cellphones, and all the people completely avoid contact, and was thinking, "Goodness, me. This society, we're becoming lonelier and lonelier." And then I sat and watched and there was a line of dogs tied up outside the Starbucks on these posts, right? So they're all sitting there, it's a Saturday morning. So you watch all these people come out with their... They've looked to their phones the whole time, they're carrying things, and they're busy and distracted, and it's a busy street so they've got to stop, right? And they look down, and it was so fascinating to me how many people looked down, and if the dog looked back, particularly if the dog was kind of small and didn't look very happy. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: These distracted, distant, disconnected people would... I couldn't hear what they were saying, which I think helped actually, because... You would think. I remember watching this man who put his coffee down, and leaned down, and talked to this dog. He was obviously comforting the dog, you know? Like, "Oh you're waiting for your master, you don't want to be here." Then he reached out and patted the dog on the head. He gave the dog more focused, soft, slow, connected attention than he'd given anyone in the Starbucks for whenever, right? Neil Sattin: Right. Sue Johnson: So we know how to do it. It's a question of tuning in and giving it. Unfortunately, sometimes we're not very balanced so we'll turn and say, "What the hell's wrong with you?" [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Right, right. That's why I love the way that you put it. Cause I'm so used to saying you see your partner and they're triggered, but I love your articulation of when you see vulnerability. Because that is what you're really seeing in that moment, is your partner in a vulnerable space. And if you know that your partner is the kind of person who, when they're vulnerable, needs space, is there an adjustment that you make to how you would respond to that? Would you just give them space and then revisit? Or is there a way to bring it out that doesn't... Sue Johnson: No, I'd reach and then give them space. Neil Sattin: Got it. Sue Johnson: I'd reach to say, "I'm saying I am accessible, I am here, I see you. But I'm not demanding that you turn to me right now. I see you, and I see that sometimes you need time when you're in this space. So I'm just seeing you and I'm here." That's a very powerful thing to do. Good parenting is that. Good parenting, parents know their kids style. And they do that. They say, I've seen people do it in therapy when they start to really mend their relationship. They say, "Well, I understand this is hard for you to talk about, and I see that and maybe when I was your age I couldn't talk about these things at all, and I just want you to know that I'm going to be here. And I see how hard it is for you and I want to help you. And I'm right here when you want to turn around and talk." This is amazing. This is an amazing invitation, right? And people can do that, they really can. They can offer each other that kind of space and that kind of empathy. I take account of your style of response. But for me to do that, I have to be feeling pretty safe. Otherwise, I'm busy dealing with my emotions about the fact that you don't talk about anything and that leaves me alone. And if I'm stuck there, I'm not going to be able to accommodate you. I have to have my own balance, if I'm dancing, before I can accommodate to you in that way. Neil Sattin: Right, right. Yeah. And so that brings us full circle to how we take care of ourselves when we recognize that we're in distress and take responsibility for how we're feeling in the moment. Sue Johnson: Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: And I think a lot of it is, many of us are dealing with relationships which happen very fast in a busy world where there's lots of demands on us. And I think the central issue is that many of us don't even know what's possible. We've never even seen the kind of relationships that we talk about in these programs, and in EFT and therapy, where people can diffuse conflicts, stand together against a negative pattern, find a way to be accessible, responsive and engaged. People haven't even seen it. They've see a bit of it in Hollywood, which is usually infused with sexual infatuation. They've seen little moments of it, which I think is great. Okay? I think that's great. Right? One of the ways movies and books have always civilized us, right? In some ways. But they don't really know how to get there. So, lots of times we're trying to create relationships where we really don't have a model of what's possible at all. And that's why I hope therapists who like EFT will maybe think about running Hold Me Tight groups, will maybe try the online program themselves and tell their clients about it, or tell their communities about it. Because so many of us don't even know what is possible in our relationships. Sue Johnson: We haven't even seen that these conversations can happen. And when we know that, the world changes. Our sense of what is possible with other people changes. This is a huge thing. Right? Neil Sattin: It's true. And I've definitely seen that in my own connection as well, as it's evolved through our patterns of conflict and beyond, which has been nice. And your work has definitely been helpful for us as well, so I'm so appreciative of that. Sue, my last question... And you talk about dance a lot, and... Sue Johnson: Yeah. Well, that's because I dance Tango, that's why. Neil Sattin: Yes. And I think we've even talked about it on the show before cause my partner, Chloe, and I do dance as well. But I'm wondering, for someone who's listening and they're like, "This all sounds great and amazing and I want to try, and it also sounds a little heavy, a little intense." What do you recommend for people in terms of keeping things light? And are there actual ways that you incorporate lightness and play and fun into how you work with people? Sue Johnson: Well, sure. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Sue Johnson: Well, I do couples therapy because it's more fun and more interesting than anything else, personally. And when I run Hold Me Tight groups, I think it's fun. I certainly hope our online program's fun or we've completely failed. It doesn't have to be heavy all the time. Learning can be fun, it can be intriguing, fascinating, surprising... Neil Sattin: But you know, when couples feel like, "Ah, we're so stuck and it's going to take all this work." And there's some truth to that, right? It's going to take some work for them to shift their patterns. And yet, yeah, I think it's more about... Sue Johnson: Discovery. If you're feeling... I think it all boils down to a sense of safety. My sense is couples come to see me and in the first few sessions it's not fun at all, because they're scared and they're worried. When they start to relax with me and we can play, and we can look at the dances they have, and we can look at how normal they are, and we can play with them and share them, and we can look at how stuck they got, and see how silly it is in some ways. EFT is not always heavy at all. We have a lot of laughter. And people not launch themselves into these huge heavy conversations. They're very gradual, and we make safety as they do it. So, yeah, it's not all heavy. It's you take it at your own speed. And for sure, people find it intriguing. Sue Johnson: The dropout rate in EFT is really low. In our studies and clinically in practice, the way people report to us, people stay. Sure it's heavy sometimes, but people stay because they're learning so much. And it's an amazing journey, they're learning about themselves, they're learning about their partner. And there's a huge amount of fun in there. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and you're reminding me that some of... Honestly, some of the funniest moments, I think, in my relationship, are when we... After we've recognized a pattern, which is one of the early things that you suggest couples do, is how they identify what are the patterns that they typically end up in patterns of conflict. And then when you're able to see it happening, and you're able to have those moments of like, "Look at us, we're doing that thing, that... " Sue Johnson: Yes. Neil Sattin: "We're just doing it again." And it can be hysterical. Chloe and I will be in the middle of it. And we'll just break out laughing, from a place of pretty intense conflict when we have those moments of, "Oh yeah, that's us just doing that thing again." Sue Johnson: That's right. It's like I can think of a dance analogy. You can be dancing with a partner who you trust a lot. And the partner tries a very tricky move. I can think of one where my teacher who's a fantastic dancer tried a very tricky move. And I sort of got half way through the move, where he was going, and then I got my high heel caught in the hem of my pants. [chuckle] Sue Johnson: And as we both nearly fell down flat. Okay, we nearly

Jenny D. Brice is helping us to better understand attachment theory and how we can use it to deepen our connections. Deepening our connections can result in more joy, satisfaction and fulfillment in our relationships. Jenny says in fact that “There's nothing more disheartening than spending time tending to your mind, body and spirit, only to return day after day to a relationship where you feel emotionally unsafe and abandoned, with no tools to communicate your needs effectively. If your relationships are not nourishing you, they're depleting you.” Jenny believes in the power of personal narratives to radically re-shape one's life, relationships and experiences. Her mission is to elevate and encourage the practice of self-realization through awareness, acceptance, compassion, communication and appreciation; with the knowledge that people are genuinely doing the best they can with the mindsets and resources they have. Jenny is a clinically trained Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of Individuals, Couples and Families. She is Core Skills certified and trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Level I trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. She is also a Level II Usui Reiki Practitioner, a thirteen-year Public Health Professional and passionate Wellness Enthusiast. Her aim is to support clients in vibrating higher in all aspects of their human experience, by helping them improve the quality of the tools within their reach. From the concrete and analytical to the experiential and spiritual, Jenny utilizes an integrative approach to cultivate healing. Check out this article Jenny wrote about the subject and some suggested reading on the topic. Connect with Jenny at www.jennydbrice.com @jennybmytherapist Let's continue the conversation online and don't forget to subscribe, rate, review and share with at least 3 people you think would enjoy or benefit from this conversation. Tag us on social media: @loniswain @loniswainshow #loniswainshow #loniswainshowpodcast #TLSS #TLSSpodcast

Dr. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist, researcher, and the developer of  Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), a powerful model that helps couples tune into their emotions to reconnect. She is the author of the bestselling book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, an evidenced based program to help couples build safety. Among her many accomplishments, Sue has been appointed as a Member of the Order of Canada and was named Psychologist of the Year by APA 2016. In this engaging interview on Sue's 30th wedding anniversary, she takes us on an educational journey through the science of attachment and emotion, the foundation for our romantic relationship needs. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/lovelink/support

Its National Stress Awareness Day, so what better day to discuss how to identify and avoid burnout! Aside from being a popular buzzword, burnout is a real thing with clinical identifiers that we will discuss along with tips for stopping it in its tracks! Jenny D. Brice believes in the power of personal narratives to radically re-shape one's life, relationships and experiences. Her mission is to elevate and encourage the practice of self-realization through awareness, acceptance, compassion, communication and appreciation; with the knowledge that people are genuinely doing the best they can with the mindsets and resources they have. Jenny is a clinically trained Psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of Individuals, Couples and Families. She is Core Skills certified and trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Level I trained in Gottman Method Couples Therapy. She is also a Level II Usui Reiki Practitioner, a thirteen-year Public Health Professional and passionate Wellness Enthusiast. Her aim is to support clients in vibrating higher in all aspects of their human experience, by helping them improve the quality of the tools within their reach. From the concrete and analytical to the experiential and spiritual, Jenny utilizes an integrative approach to cultivate healing. Download Jenny's FREE Shine Bright Wellness Plan HERE Download Jenny's FREE Quick Tips and Morning Mantra Connect with Jenny at www.jennydbrice.com @jennybmytherapist Let's continue the conversation online and don't forget to subscribe, rate, review and share with at least 3 people you think would enjoy or benefit from this conversation. Tag us on social media: @loniswain @loniswainshow #loniswainshow #loniswainshowpodcast #TLSS #TLSSpodcast www.loniswain.com

Tony breaks down the dreaded “Demon Dialogues” from Sue Johnson’s book, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, THE go-to couples guide to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Whether you and your partner engage in “Find the Bad Guy,” the “Protest Polka” or “Freeze and Flee” or at times, all of the above, discover tools to help you move past these communication blocks that can ruin relationships. He also discusses the Five Elements of a Complete Apology, as well as how to avoid a Token Apology.

Episode #190 with Mary Cocharo- The Essentials of Communication with Your Romantic Partner. Mary Kay Cocharo, LMFT has been working with couples and families for over 28 years in her private practice in West Los Angeles. She is deeply passionate about helping couples improve their communication skills, deepen their connection resolve conflict and rediscover the joy of being together. She offers weekly sessions, Private and Group Intensives and Workshops for Couples. She is active in preparing engaged couples for marriage through several different formats, including The FOCCUS Premarital Inventory and Start Right, Stay Connected Workshops. Her Ebook entitled, 8 Essential Topics to Discuss Before Saying I Do, is available on her website.   Mary Kay has two Advanced Certifications, in Couples Therapy: Imago Relationship Therapy and Encounter-Centered Couples Therapy. She also has training in the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy.   Mary Kay is happily married in an intimate relationship and is the mother of three grown children and a grandchild. She also plays an ongoing role in being a teacher and mentor to new couples therapists, students, and interns as they learn and practice their art of connection.   Mary Kay is an active member of the California Association for Marriage and Family Therapists, Los Angeles Chapter of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, IMAGO Relationship Institute, and the Southern California Imago Therapy Association, and founder of The Conversation Group in Los Angeles. TOP POINTS FROM THE EPISODE: Couples and their relationships 1. Communication patterns are key. Couples don’t know how to communicate through their problems. 2. Manage your reactivity 3. Create and share an appointment with your partner to share and resolve your feelings. 4. Speak gently in your feelings with your partner. 5. I statements before you statements Thank you again for joining us today please check out our webpage at riseupforyou.com for more podcast episodes, webinars, articles, free resources, and events to help you get to the next level in your life! You can also follow us on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Google+, and Youtube @riseupforyou If you know anybody that would benefit from this episode please share it with them and help spread the knowledge and motivation. Please support Rise Up For You by writing a review on iTunes. Your feedback will really help the success of our show and push us to continuously be better!  So don’t forget to show your support! SUBSCRIBE TODAY FOR WEEKLY EPISODES AT YOUR FINGERTIPS

Processed with Focos In this episode, I'm delighted to introduce to you Dr. Mario Sacasa, a Catholic marriage and family therapist in the Archdiocese of New Orleans. I think you'll find it very interesting to hear first about the MANY varied hats that Dr. Mario wears in his practice - some of which may surprise you! But what I'm most excited to share with you is our discussion about Dr. Mario's marriage retreat entitled "Living the Gift of Marriage". Dr. Mario is an knowledgeable, caring, engaging speaker trained in Theology of the Body and Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, and he's open to your invitation to offer  "Living the Gift of Marriage" at your parish.

Episode Summary: The topic we’re discussing today is one that can be a huge issue for working parents. But it can be sensitive and personal and often brings up plenty of shame and judgment, so I don’t think a lot of people don’t talk openly about it. It’s also something that can easily derail a healthy relationship if you and your spouse are having trouble in this area. Today I’m joined by certified sex therapist Lisa Katona to answer all of your questions about sex and working parenthood. With over a decade of experience in community mental health and private practice, Lisa Katona is thrilled to bring more sex positivity to the world. Lisa completed her Masters in Social Work from the University of Michigan and is a Certified Sex Therapist through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. She is also a trained couples therapist, in both Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy and Gottman’s Couples Therapy. Lisa’s therapeutic focus is on sexual wellness with a sex-positive perspective. She has given numerous trainings on the topics of sexual health throughout the Midwest. When she’s not speaking to an audience, Lisa loves her work, providing individual and couples therapy to folks who want or need to talk about sex. Show Notes:  http://workingparentresource.com/51 Resources & Links Mentioned in this Episode:  Lisa Katona Website No Means No! Teaching Children About Personal Boundaries, Respect, and Consent: Empowering Kids by Respecting Their Choices and Their Right to Say, ‘No!’ by Jayneen Sanders and Cherie Zamazing It’s Not the Stork! A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health by Robie H. Harris and Michael Emberley One Extraordinary Marriage Podcast How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny Burnout Rescue Plan Deliberate Life Challenge Working Parent Resource Website About the Working Parent Resource: Welcome to the Working Parent Resource Podcast. This podcast is all about helping burned out working parents escape survival mode by becoming more intentional at home, at work, and everywhere in between. Together we explore fundamental principles of psychology, the latest research on subjects such as happiness, productivity, mindfulness and relationships, and we hear personal stories that are all designed to help you become the best version of yourself in a noisy and demanding world. Let's break down the overwhelm together so you can create a more deliberate and fulfilling lifestyle on YOUR terms. Sarah Argenal is the Founder and CEO of the Working Parent Resource and Host of the Working Parent Resource Podcast. She has her Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy and Adult Development and is a Certified Professional Coach with 20 years of experience in psychotherapy, coaching, college-level instruction, program development, and project management. Sarah lives with her husband and two little boys in San Diego, California.  You can access episode Show Notes and learn more about the Working Parent Resource at http://WorkingParentResource.com. Would you like to chat? I love connecting with my audience, so I set aside some time every week to chat with the people who are listening. If you’re a working parent who’s struggling to create a more deliberate lifestyle, if you’re burned out from trying to juggle too many things, I would love to chat with you. Just click this link to get on my calendar. I’d love to chat! Sponsor: This show was sponsored by the Deliberate Life Challenge, a series of free monthly experiences to help burned out working parents reduce stress, maximize their time and become more intentional in every area of their lives in 2018.  This is an ongoing challenge, so you can join in anytime. Click here for details and to sign up: http://deliberatelifechallenge.com. Reminders: Don’t forget to subscribe to our show on iTunes to be notified when a new episode is published.  Please leave an honest rating and review as well.  Ratings and reviews are extremely important and greatly appreciated!  They do matter in ranking the show, and I read each and every one of them.   The post “WPR051: Making the Space for Sex in Your Life as a Working Parent with Lisa Katona” appeared first on WorkingParentResource.com.

Today we want to lift the hood on the world of marriage counseling and look at one particular approach and how it works. If you’ve ever been curious about what happens in the counseling room or are considering counseling there’s a lot more to it than you might think! The Mystery of Marriage Counseling The world of counseling may seem like a mysterious or even intimidating place to those who know little about it. There’s a stigma around mental health itself, and although a distressed marriage is not a mental health problem, we rarely talk about our struggles as a couple. We like to appear like we have it all together and I think us church-going folk are even more prone to this. But then you do hear the horror stories when things don’t go well and people open up. Some terrible advice comes from people who call themselves counselors. So then when it comes to choosing a marriage counselor it can be pretty scary because your marriage is a big deal and you don’t want to the wrong person trying to help you with it! Basic Marriage Counselor Criteria Now I want to say that this article is not an extended advertisement for our services, but the things I am going to tell you are important facts you need to know, whether you decide to work with someone from my counseling practice or find a local counselor. The first thing is that not all counseling degrees are created equal. When a person is earning their Master’s degree in order to become a therapist, their school and the degree program they choose will generally orient itself around a particular school of thought. Of course, there are a plethora of flavors. But when it comes to marriage counseling you should know that there are a number of universities around North America that offer marriage and family therapy programs specifically. These kinds of degrees have less focus on specific mental health problems like anxiety disorders or even addictions, and they focus very much on relationships, how humans interact, how children learn to love and relate to others, on marriage dynamics and on family systems. So when you choose a therapist the first thing you should filter on is their education: do they have a degree that specializes in marriage and family? And usually you’ll see this in the letters after their last name in that either their degree will look like MAMFT (Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy) or their certifying body will supply MFT credentials like LMFT (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist). If you’re not sure, ask about the person’s training. The second thing you want to look for is whether the therapist has a specific approach to marriage counseling that is evidence-based. “Evidence-based” means that they are using a treatment approach which has been tested and tried through research and peer-reviewed journals. Surprisingly, there are only a handful of marriage approaches that have been rigorously tested in this way, and so if you want to give you marriage the best chance of success you would do well to ensure you are selecting a counselor who uses an evidence based approach. Otherwise you’ll have no idea whether what you’re being told actually works or not. Probably the two most popular evidence-based counseling approaches are Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (sometimes called EFT or EFCT) and the Gottman Method. I have taken specific training in both of these, on top of my MFT degree, as has my colleague in my practice, Jesse Schellenberg. They are quite different but very complementary. Both of us favor EFCT as our preferred approach: about 90% of couples show significant improvements using this approach and we’ll talk more about success rates in a moment, but 90% is incredible. How EFCT Works Key Principles Now, I am going to work hard to break the scientific jargon and psychobabble into English here but there are some key principles in this approach to marriage counseling that are important (Gurman et al, 2015[i])

On part 7 of our 8 part Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy podcast series therapist Leigh Conant talks about the 'highs and lows' exercise she recommends all couples do. Leigh says that doing the highs and lows exercise weekly or daily is pivotal to a healthy relationship. Have relationship questions? Email: sarah@heyfrase.com

Men!? Why don't they want to talk about their feelings when it comes to relationships? Turns out it isn't just men, women shut down in relationships too. Leigh Conant is an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist. On today's episode she discuss how you can get thru to a partner is who is emotionally cut off, and why sometimes women are worse than men when it comes to expressing themselves.  

  Today, Figs goes back to the basics and answers the question what is love? Certified in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (a clinical approach founded by Dr. Sue Johnson), Figs shares the Attachment Theory perspective on this big question. Love is an emotional bond that we all need. Simply put, we are biologically wired for connection. Figs also references John Bowlby the father of attachment theory to emphasize this very important fact: “When it comes to love, you’re still a baby and your partner is still a baby because this need for emotional bonding with a primary other is a ‘cradle to the grave’ experience.” Figs kindly cautions us from confusing the idea of being childlike in love with being childish. “Don’t use the information to judge yourself or your partner.” Fighting in relationships is really just protest behavior against feeling disconnected from the one we love. Parking tickets, sex, money….these aren’t the real problems in relationship. We fight because our connection matters. Find out who you are in love by taking the free Empathi quiz.  

One of the most common questions I get is about what marriage book I might recommend. That is a tough question in some ways because there are so many books out there, and every person responds to a certain book differently. So it's hard to be too prescriptive on this topic. But I can tell you there are about 7 books that I recommend a lot, and have been recommending for a long time. And the reason I recommend these books is because they have not only transformed my life and marriage, but they are the books that couples consistently report as being the most helpful and life-transforming for them. So in this episode I briefly talk about these 7 books. Each book is pretty different from each other. Some are Christian and faith based in their approach, while others don't come with any faith perspective. Some are pretty prescriptive in their approach, listing out steps and tools to use in your marriage, while others take a more philosophical and theological approach, but it's up to the reader to figure out how and if that applies to their marriage. Some talk about sex (one in pretty specific and graphic ways), while others don't even mention it. Some are more academic, while others are an easy read. So check out these books and see what may most apply and be helpful to you. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson -- Great read by the founder of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. Her seven conversations provide great insight and direction for couples working on their connection. Restoration Therapy: Understanding and Guiding Healing in Marriage and Family Therapy by Terry D. Hargrave and Franz Pfitzer -- This is perhaps my favorite book on marriage because it is the therapy model founded by my mentor and friend Dr. Hargrave. It's the model that I use in therapy with my clients and what I teach in churches and organizations. More of a technical read for therapists and practitioners, though helpful for couples who do want to dive into the theory. I talk with Dr. Hargrave about his model here, and discuss it's concepts here, here, here, here and here. 5 Days to a New Marriage by Terry D. Hargrave and Shawn Stoever -- this is the book that was written by the developers of the 4-day marriage intensives at The Hideaway Experience where I was on staff for four years. It's a simple, awesome read that walks couples through was is essentially Terry Hargrave's Restoration Therapy model. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch -- This book was probably one of the biggest life changing books for me individually, and in my marriage. It introduced me to the concept of self-differentiation in marriage, and it's ideas on anxiety and self-soothing are some of the most helpful concepts I use with couples. Schnarch is also a sex therapist, so this book will be the most graphic of the selection in terms of it's content. The 3 Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity to the Most Important Organization in Your Life by Patrick Lencioni -- though this is not a "marriage" book per se, it is super helpful in marriages. My wife have worked through this book and it has been marriage transforming for us. I have written about this here, and did a podcast about it here. The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle by Mike Mason -- This was really one of the first books that I read on marriage. I read it in seminary when I wasn't even dating anyone, and yet, it is a book I keep coming back to time and time again. One of the things I like about it the best is that it is not a marriage book with how to's or step by step instructions. It's more of a poetic and theological look at marriage. Sacred Marriage: What if God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy, More Than to Make Us Happy? by Gary L. Thomas -- One of the premises about this book that I think is so helpful is the concept that marriage is a refining process that is more about making us holy than happy. That is a tough sell in today's culture.

It is not uncommon for sex addicts and their partners to be overwhelmed by their feelings. Carol the Coach interviews Ken Howard who is the founder of Aspen Partnership in Kansas City, Missouri about his practice to help clients identify their feelings and to begin to develop the trust that they so richly deserve.He works with clients to restore their connection and typically uses a very successful type of intervention called "Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy." Sexual Addiction is a disorder that requires strategies to assist you in maintaining recovery. This show is to help you access the books, the experts and the people who are managing recovery with The 12 Step Program and Patrick Carnes Recovery Task Model that reinforces the steps you need to take to manage your recovery and take your life through the journey so that you not only conquer the "Addict" but develop into the person you were meant to be! Carol the Coach is a Certified Sexual Addictions Therapist who is ready to take you on the journey and expose you to the experts who will guide you through the steps.

It is not uncommon for sex addicts and their partners to be overwhelmed by their feelings. Carol the Coach interviews Ken Howard who is the founder of Aspen Partnership in Kansas City, Missouri about his practice to help clients identify their feelings and to begin to develop the trust that they so richly deserve.He works with clients to restore their connection and typically uses a very successful type of intervention called "Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy." Sexual Addiction is a disorder that requires strategies to assist you in maintaining recovery. This show is to help you access the books, the experts and the people who are managing recovery with The 12 Step Program and Patrick Carnes Recovery Task Model that reinforces the steps you need to take to manage your recovery and take your life through the journey so that you not only conquer the "Addict" but develop into the person you were meant to be! Carol the Coach is a Certified Sexual Addictions Therapist who is ready to take you on the journey and expose you to the experts who will guide you through the steps.