Sex therapist
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7 episodes with Wendy Maltz
4 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
2 episodes with Wendy Maltz
E197: Basecamp Classic with Special Guest Dr. Wendy Maltz E197 Introduction Hello Basecampers, I hope you are all doing well. Today we have a check in and then a Basecamp Classic from all the...
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
Today we conclude our conversation with internationally recognized sex therapist, Wendy Maltz. She continues to discuss the steps that couples can take to relearn touch after betrayal. In this episode we cover: How couples can work together to relearn touch How couples can support each other during that process Relearning touch outside of sex The Power of Community in Pornography Recovery: Download Relay and try it out for free, or learn more at Relay's website. Use code GEOFF1 for 15% off! Broken trust? Download my FREE video series “The First Steps to Rebuilding Trust” Join my 12-week program, The Trust Building Bootcamp, to heal your broken relationship. Join our new Connection Plus Community Sign up for our FREE weekly newsletter to stay up-to-date on exciting new announcements! Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: Connect with me on social media: INSTAGRAM FACEBOOK Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Jody Steurer: Jody has been a strong voice supporting women as co-host of the podcast “Speak Up Sister”. She completed a bachelor's degree in psychology from Brigham Young University and is an ACA certified coach. She runs a small business and has years of experience in corporate training and organization. Jody's most challenging work has been raising her four children (two of which are on the autism spectrum). She loves to do landscape design, paint in watercolor, spend time outdoors, and snow ski. About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
Intimacy is a vital part of a relationship, and one that takes time and effort to create. After the betrayal of pornography addiction, the steps to healing and regaining that intimacy can be confusing and difficult to navigate. Internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker, Wendy Maltz, joins us for the third time to address the process of relearning touch after betrayal. In this episode we cover: How a pornography addiction affects an intimate partner How pornography addiction robs the user of true sexual connection How couples can build a strong sexual connection after addiction If broken trust is an issue in your relationship, download the FREE video series “The First Steps to Rebuilding Trust” to help you get on the right track. https://www.geoffsteurer.com/freebie For details on our Connection Plus Membership Community, please visit https://www.connectionpluscommunity.com Sign up for my FREE weekly newsletter to stay up-to-date on exciting new announcements! Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse Connect with me on social media:INSTAGRAMFACEBOOK Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer:I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 24 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 12 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Wendy Maltz:Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
“Wendy Maltz developed the CERTS model for healthy sex; this model requires that the following conditions be met for a person to enjoy healthy & satisfying sex: Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety. means you can freely and comfortably choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity.” --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/antonio-myers4/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/antonio-myers4/support
“Wendy Maltz developed the CERTS model for healthy sex; this model requires that the following conditions be met for a person to enjoy healthy & satisfying sex: Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety. means you can freely and comfortably choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity.” --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/antonio-myers4/message Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/antonio-myers4/support
7 out of every 10 adults have experienced a traumatic event, and whether you are aware of it or not, you are most likely interacting with trauma survivors both personally and professionally on a daily basis. Tune into today's episode to learn one of two tips that will help you be more informed, supportive and safe for those survivors in your life. ---------- Free Resources: · The Body Keeps the Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. · No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD · Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky · The A-to-Z Self Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals by Erlene Grise-Owens · Help for the Helper: Self-Care Strategies for Managing Burnout and Stress by Babette Rothschild · Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Amelia & Emiy Nagoski, PhD · Eastern Body-Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self by Anodea Judith · Running on Empty: Overcoming your Childhood Neglect by Jonice Webb, PhD · Attached: The New Science on Adult Attachment and How It Can Help you Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. · My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts by Resmaa Menakem, MSW · Lifting Heavy Things: Healing Trauma One Rep at a Time by Laura Khoudari · Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Controlling Yourself by Melody Beattie · Dissociation Made Simple: A Stigma- Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily Life by Jamie Marich, PhD · Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD · The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz · The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control & Becoming Whole by Arielle Schwartz, PhD & Jim Knipe, PhD ---------- Stay Connected Instagram: @jess_demarchis_coaching Website: www.jessicademarchis.com
7 out of every 10 adults have experienced a traumatic event, and whether you are aware of it or not, you are most likely interacting with trauma survivors both personally and professionally on a daily basis. Tune into today's episode to learn one of two tips that will help you be more informed, supportive and safe for those survivors in your life. ---------- Free Resources: · The Body Keeps the Score: Brian, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. · No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma & Restoring Wholeness with The Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, PhD · Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Others by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky · The A-to-Z Self Care Handbook for Social Workers and Other Helping Professionals by Erlene Grise-Owens · Help for the Helper: Self-Care Strategies for Managing Burnout and Stress by Babette Rothschild · Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Amelia & Emiy Nagoski, PhD · Eastern Body-Western Mind: Psychology and the Chakra System as a Path to the Self by Anodea Judith · Running on Empty: Overcoming your Childhood Neglect by Jonice Webb, PhD · Attached: The New Science on Adult Attachment and How It Can Help you Find and Keep Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel Heller, M.A. · My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Mending of Our Bodies and Hearts by Resmaa Menakem, MSW · Lifting Heavy Things: Healing Trauma One Rep at a Time by Laura Khoudari · Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Controlling Yourself by Melody Beattie · Dissociation Made Simple: A Stigma- Free Guide to Embracing Your Dissociative Mind and Navigating Daily Life by Jamie Marich, PhD · Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD · The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz · The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control & Becoming Whole by Arielle Schwartz, PhD & Jim Knipe, PhD ---------- Stay Connected Instagram: @jess_demarchis_coaching Website: www.jessicademarchis.com
All over the world, a million laptops snap shut as partners walk into a room unexpectedly, and red-faced viewers tell shamefaced and barefaced lies about what they have been watching. Pornography is perhaps the biggest disavowed activity on the planet. It is also one of the most lucrative, with estimates for its worth varying from $10 billion-$100 billion per annum worldwide. Given that much of it is conducted and produced secretly, we will probably never know the true figure. What we do know, however, is that a great many people make use of it. Generally, the concerns expressed and written about are concerned with how this ubiquity is conditioning young people's minds. What has not been looked at quite so much is older people's use of it and the impact that it has on their relationshipsIn this episode, we interview Wendy Maltz, author of the book The Porn Trap and a retired therapist specialising in the areas of sex and pornography. She points out the damage that is done when one discovers the others use of pornography after sometimes very many years. Indeed some peoples “stash" is not discovered until after death. This leads people to think long and hard about who it is – or indeed was – they have spent their life with. This is the pernicious effect of pornography, undermining as it does the space for intimacy and closeness between people. Again we see that what is necessary is for people to have the courage to talk about their desires with their partners and to find a way of being in those desires together. Communication is the key!Thanks for reading Sex Advice for Seniors! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support our work. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.sexadviceforseniors.com
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
Today we conclude our conversation with internationally recognized sex therapist, Wendy Maltz. She continues to discuss the steps that couples can take to relearn touch after betrayal. In this episode we cover: How couples can work together to relearn touch How couples can support each other during that process Relearning touch outside of sex We have some exciting news coming…sign up for our free weekly newsletter so you don't miss a thing! Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument Connect with me on social media: www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children.Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
Intimacy is a vital part of a relationship, and one that takes time and effort to create. After the betrayal of pornography addiction, the steps to healing and regaining that intimacy can be confusing and difficult to navigate. Internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker, Wendy Maltz, joins us for the third time to address the process of relearning touch after betrayal. In this episode we cover: How a pornography addiction affects an intimate partner How pornography addiction robs the user of true sexual connection How couples can build a strong sexual connection after addiction Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument Connect with me on social media: www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
107: Wie schaffe ich in der Partnerschaft eine erfüllte Sexualität zu leben? Was ist eigentlich Slowsex und wie funktioniert Sexual Bodywork? Und Auf all diese Fragen bekommst du heute die Antworten und zusätzliche Tipps von Sexpsychologin Claudia Elizabeth Huber. Viel Inspiration beim Hören! - Folge als Video ansehen: https://youtu.be/y7ELblDK93w ... - Kostenloses E-Book herunterladen: https://mainguyen.de/trauma-kit - Etwas in die virtuelle Kaffeekasse werfen: https://mainguyen.de/kaffeekasse - Online-Kurse: https://mainguyen.de/online-kurse - Auf Instagram folgen: https://www.instagram.com/mainguyen.official/ - Alle Links: https://mainguyen.de/links/ - Claudias Webseite: https://www.claudia-elizabeth-huber.de/endlich-lustvoll/ - Claudias Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/claudiaehuber/ - Claudias Projekt für Teams: https://www.resilientteams.de/ - Buchempfehlung: Sexual Healing von Wendy Maltz https://amzn.to/3NUUf2V * * Affiliate Link: Kostet dich nichts, ich bekomme eine Provision & du unterstützt mich bei meiner Arbeit. Solltest du das nicht wollen, kannst du die Produkte auch einfach manuell in deiner Wunsch-Suchmaschine suchen. Danke!
Breaking up with yo-yo dieting | Binge Eating | Nutrition | Motivation | Self-Love | Mindset
Have you ever wondered “why would my partner rather watch porn than be with me?”, or maybe you've started to think your pornography use is becoming excessive and aren't sure how to stop? If you relate to either of these things, this podcast is worth a listen. In this podcast we discuss: Factors leading to compulsive pornography use The impact of pornography of relationships What to do if you think you may have a problem with pornography Tips to make quitting pornography easier Healing as a couple after betrayal Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, and expert on healthy sexuality and sexual recovery. This podcast is for informational purposes only.
106: Heute interviewe ich für dich Claudia Elizabeth Huber. Sie ist Sexpsychologin und wir reden darüber, wie du wieder einen Zugang zu einer schönen und lustvollen Sexualität finden kannst. Denn das ist nach Missbrauchserfahrungen trotzdem möglich und Claudia erzählt dir heute, wie auch du das schaffen kannst und was du dafür ganz alleine tun kannst. Viel Inspiration beim Hören! - Folge als Video ansehen: https://youtu.be/Dq9uORMqPgU ... - Kostenloses E-Book herunterladen: https://mainguyen.de/trauma-kit - Etwas in die virtuelle Kaffeekasse werfen: https://mainguyen.de/kaffeekasse - Online-Kurse: https://mainguyen.de/online-kurse - Auf Instagram folgen: https://www.instagram.com/mainguyen.official/ - Alle Links: https://mainguyen.de/links/ - Claudias Webseite: https://www.claudia-elizabeth-huber.de/endlich-lustvoll/ - Claudias Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/claudiaehuber/ - Claudias Projekt für Teams: https://www.resilientteams.de/ - Buchempfehlung: Sexual Healing von Wendy Maltz https://amzn.to/3NUUf2V * * Affiliate Link: Kostet dich nichts, ich bekomme eine Provision & du unterstützt mich bei meiner Arbeit. Solltest du das nicht wollen, kannst du die Produkte auch einfach manuell in deiner Wunsch-Suchmaschine suchen. Danke!
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
We continue the conversation with Wendy Maltz as she describes the damages that pornography can cause on individuals and relationships. In this episode we cover: How is pornography harmful to marriages? What is the impact on each individual? What steps can an individual/couple take to heal from the impact of porn? How can a couple unlearn the harmful messages of porn and improve their sexual health? Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument Connect with me on social media: www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
We welcome Wendy Maltz back on the podcast to dive into the evolution of pornography. She shares her research as she has watched the intensity and accessibility grow over the years, the harmful effects on the performers and viewers, and ultimately the impact that it has on marriages. In this episode we cover: How have your views of pornography changed over the past 40+ years as a sex therapist? How is pornography harmful to marriages? Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument Connect with me on social media: www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy.
Please welcome, Stephen Braveman to this episode to talk about the difficult topic of male survivors of sexual abuse. Stephen is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and AASECT Certified Diplomate and Supervisor of Sex Therapy with a Private Practice in California, USA. He started and maintains one of the first psychotherapy groups for Adult Males Molested As Children in the US. He is also the creator of the first full-length documentary on this subject, "Boyhood Shadows: I Swore I'd Never Tell.In this podcast episode:08:00 - Sexual problems appeared around 2 years after getting married09:30 - How did Stephen start his men's group?11:00 - Lessons of play from geese - honk, honk, honk16:00 - Men and sexual abuse21:00 - The difference between a pedophile and child molesters25:00 - Pedophiles and shame32:00 - Myths on men and sexual abuse41:00 - Books and steps for couples to help in healing from sexual abuse43:00 - Healing through tantric practices47:00 - Sexual abuse survivors are sometimes misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder52:00 - How to take action against male sexual abuseYou can find Stephen Braveman on:https://www.isgcmonterey.net/Books mentioned:Allies in Healing by Laura Davis - https://amzn.to/3wp6TjHHealing Sex by Staci Haines - https://amzn.to/38mVOI3The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz - https://amzn.to/3NfzQVWSupport the show
Illuminate Podcast: Shining Light on the Darkness of Pornography
The statistics of sexual abuse are staggering. If you haven't been sexually abused, you probably know someone who has been. Internationally recognized sex therapist, Wendy Maltz, joins us today to discuss the importance of sexual healing after sexual abuse. In this episode we cover: What are the sexual problems resulting from sexual abuse? What is sexual healing? What are the common stages for healing from sexual abuse? How can a partner be a resource in the sexual healing journey? What if the partner is the one who caused or perpetuated the sexual abuse? What tools and resources are most effective in the sexual healing journey? Download my FREE guide to help you quickly end arguments with your spouse: https://www.geoffsteurer.com/3-steps-to-end-your-marriage-argument Connect with me on social media: www.instagram.com/geoffsteurer/ www.facebook.com/GeoffSteurerMFT Visit http://www.geoffsteurer.com for online courses and other supportive resources. About Geoff Steurer: I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, relationship educator, and coach with over 20 years of experience. I am the co-author of, "Love You, Hate the Porn: Healing a Relationship Damaged by Virtual Infidelity", the host of the weekly podcast, "From Crisis to Connection", and have produced workbooks, audio programs, and online courses helping couples and individuals heal from the impact of sexual betrayal, unwanted pornography use, partner betrayal trauma, and rebuilding broken trust. As a leader in the field, I am a frequent contributor on these subjects at national conferences, documentaries, blogs, magazines, and podcasts. I also write a weekly relationship advice column available on my blog. I founded and ran an outpatient sexual addiction and betrayal trauma recovery group program for over 14 years, co-founded and chaired a local conference to educate community members about harmful media, and founded and administered a specialized group therapy practice for over 10 years. I currently maintain a private counseling and coaching practice in beautiful Southern Utah where I live with my wife and children. About Wendy Maltz: Wendy Maltz is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker. Wendy has more than forty years of experience helping individuals and couples overcome sex and intimacy concerns. She is the author of numerous acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography and Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Presently retired from providing counseling services, Wendy remains engaged in the field through her popular educational website,www.HealthySex.com, which provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy. https://healthysex.com/self-help-articles/sexual-healing-from-sexual-abuse/
Building off of last week's episode, Wendy Maltz, a leading expert on sexual healing from sexual abuse, returns and explains more in-depth the ways that survivors of abuse can have meaningful sexual relationships. The discussion includes addressing triggers during sex, regaining a sense of control over one's sexuality, unwanted sexual fantasies, and more.For the next few episodes, Smart Talks will focus on healing sexuality after abuse. Whether you are a survivor, a partner of a survivor, or someone who simply wants to learn more, we hope these episodes provide you with new tools and resources. Please note that these discussions may be triggering for some survivors; listener discretion is advised.Show notes:Visit Wendy's website, www.healthysex.com.Order Wendy's book mentioned often throughout the interview, The Sexual Healing Journey.Order Wendy's book mentioned at various points of the interview, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies.View information on Wendy's other books here.Watch Wendy's video, Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples, for free.Follow the Elizabeth Smart Foundation on Instagram and Facebook.Chat 24/7 with the National Sexual Assault Hotline.Read the full episode transcript at https://www.elizabethsmartfoundation.org/smart-talks-2-09.Support the show
"How can I heal my relationship with sex after being raped or abused?"—survivors consistently ask Elizabeth this question. We brought in Wendy Maltz, a leading expert on sexual healing from sexual abuse, to address this often-overlooked topic. In this episode, Wendy and Elizabeth discuss the difference between rape and consensual, healthy sex, how survivors can heal their relationship with their sexuality, and how partners can play an active role in healing.For the next few episodes, Smart Talks will focus on healing sexuality after abuse. Whether you are a survivor, a partner of a survivor, or someone who simply wants to learn more, we hope these episodes provide you with new tools and resources. Please note that these discussions may be triggering for some survivors; listener discretion is advised.Show notes:Visit Wendy's website, www.healthysex.com.Order Wendy's book mentioned often throughout the interview, The Sexual Healing Journey.Order Wendy's book mentioned at various points of the interview, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies.View information on Wendy's other books here.Watch Wendy's video, Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples, for free.Follow the Elizabeth Smart Foundation on Instagram and Facebook.Chat 24/7 with the National Sexual Assault Hotline.Read the full episode transcript at www.elizabethsmartfoundation.org/smart-talks-2-08.Support the show (https://www.elizabethsmartfoundation.org/donate)
"Qualities of Healthy Sex Exercise In 1991 Wendy Maltz LCSW developed the HealthySex™ nightshirt to help survivors of sexual abuse and others understand healthy sexuality. The nightshirt evolved from a workshop exercise in which participants brainstormed positive qualities of sex. As you read the qualities below, identify which ones are present and true in your sexual relating. If you identify qualities that are often lacking, you may want to concentrate on learning more about them and integrating these qualities into your lovemaking in the future. Healthy sex is. . . having choice nurturing built on trust playful loving myself respectful being honest physically safe feeling ready caring warmth laughter socially responsible fun shared intimacy something I deserve being friends comfortable expressing love being equal partners mutually desired celebration feeling good honoring my pace sensual touches private arousing being patient relaxing open communication enjoyable satisfying good memories . . . for me! The CERTS Model for Healthy Sex We believe that healthy sexuality requires that these five basic conditions be met: Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety Let’s look at each of these conditions more closely: CONSENT means you can freely and comfortably choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity. This means you are conscious, informed, and able to stop the activity at any time during the sexual contact. EQUALITY means your sense of personal power is on an equal level with your partner. Neither of you dominates or intimidates the other. RESPECT means you have positive regard for yourself and for your partner. You also feel respected by your partner based on how your partner is treating you. TRUST means you trust your partner on physical and emotional levels. You accept each other’s needs and vulnerabilities and are able to respond to concerns with sensitivity. SAFETY means you feel secure and safe within the sexual setting. You are comfortable with and assertive about where, when and how the sexual activity takes place. You feel safe from the possibility of negative consequences, such as unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infection, and physical injury. Spending time together and engaging in lots of honest, open communication are good ways to make sure that the CERTS conditions are operating in your relationship. That’s why we often recommend you build a strong friendship with a partner first, before becoming lovers. Meeting the CERTS conditions does not ensure that you’ll experience terrific sex, but it can help you feel secure knowing you’ve minimized the possibility of something bad resulting from your sexual experiences. (These five CERTS conditions were first presented in Wendy Maltz and Beverly Holman’s Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing, Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1987.)" healthysex.com No illegalities allowed, and no betrayals allowed! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/support
Wendy Maltz is an author, sex therapist and expert on porn addiction. Her influential book, The Porn Trap, is a must read for any person struggling with addiction or their loved ones. Today we dig deep into how to help young people addicted to porn. Quitting PMO is just the first step in healing.
I don’t let myself nor others communicate about sex in my presence in non-holistic manners. Sexual soulmate means twin flame sex to me, that's true for my life! I believe that healthy sexuality requires that these five basic conditions be met: Consent, Equality, Respect, Trust, and Safety Let’s look at each of these conditions more closely: CONSENT means you can freely and comfortably choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity. This means you are conscious, informed, and able to stop the activity at any time during the sexual contact. EQUALITY means your sense of personal power is on an equal level with your partner. Neither of you dominates or intimidates the other. RESPECT means you have positive regard for yourself and for your partner. You also feel respected by your partner based on how your partner is treating you. TRUST means you trust your partner on physical and emotional levels. You accept each other’s needs and vulnerabilities and are able to respond to concerns with sensitivity. SAFETY means you feel secure and safe within the sexual setting. You are comfortable with and assertive about where, when and how the sexual activity takes place. You feel safe from the possibility of negative consequences, such as unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infection, and physical injury. Spending time together and engaging in lots of honest, open communication are good ways to make sure that the CERTS conditions are operating in your relationship. That’s why we often recommend you build a strong friendship with a partner first, before becoming lovers. Meeting the CERTS conditions does not ensure that you’ll experience terrific sex, but it can help you feel secure knowing you’ve minimized the possibility of something bad resulting from your sexual experiences. https://www.thesexmd.com/what-makes-for-great-sex/ (These five CERTS conditions were first presented in Wendy Maltz and Beverly Holman’s Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing, Lexington, MA: Lexington Books, 1987.) That’s what I call sexual patriotism, sexual patriots we all also should be. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/antonio-myers4/support
This episode tackles topics like when your dad loves trump, monkey branching, and navigating intimacy after trauma. Join us on Patreon and get an extra episode each week, a back catalog of 50+ episodes, and other exclusive content. SUBMIT: justbreakuppod.com FACEBOOK: /justbreakuppod INSTAGRAM: @justbreakuppod TWITTER: @justbreakuppod BLIND DATE: The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz
Today we hear about a new meat study that challenges years of research that says meat is bad for your health. We also hear from Wendy Maltz, author of "The Porn Trap."
A whopping 25% of all daily Internet search requests and 35% of all downloads are for pornography. There are more than 400 million pages of pornography on the Internet. As one man said, "You no longer have to go looking for porn, porn is looking for you!"
Welcome to episode 107 of the Sexology Podcast! Today I am very excited to have returning to the podcast Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST. Wendy was my guest on episode 35 and joins me again to speak to me about porn addiction, the consequences of using porn compulsively, how mindfulness and yoga can help with recovery and sexually reconnecting with your partner after porn addiction. Wendy Maltz, LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker, with more than thirty-five years of experience treating sex and intimacy concerns. She is the coauthor, with her husband Larry Maltz of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. Wendy is also author of the recovery classic The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, coauthor of Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, and the editor of two poetry anthologies that celebrate healthy sexual intimacy. Wendy’s popular educational website, www.HealthySex.com, provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, videos, and more to help people overcome sexual problems and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy. In this episode, you will hear: Is porn usage problematic? The consequences of using porn compulsively How we weren’t ready as a society for the amount of porn the internet provided How between 8-15% of people who use porn will go on to develop a problem with it Steps that can be taken to deal with unhealthy porn use Recovering from porn addiction Hearing how a listener’s husband went through the process of recovery Ongoing side effects; E.G - Not being able to have sex without images of porn How mindfulness and yoga can help with recovery Sexually reconnecting with your partner after porn addiction Resources http://www.HealthySex.com https://www.amazon.com/Porn-Trap-Essential-Overcoming-Pornography/dp/0061231878 https://www.amazon.com/The-Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors/dp/0062130730 https://www.amazon.com/Private-Thoughts-Exploring-Womens-Fantasies-ebook/dp/B00A8SKN6K Episode 35 - http://www.sexologypodcast.com/2017/09/05/healing-from-sexual-assault-with-wendy-maltz-lcsw/ https://www.facebook.com/oasis2care https://www.instagram.com/oasis2care https://twitter.com/oasis2care https://oasis2care.clientsecure.me/client_portal Podcast Produced by Pete Bailey - http://petebailey.net/audio
What are some of the keys to helping a woman experience pleasure, and orgasms? If you’re a woman and you’re not having orgasms - and you want to be - then this episode could be really helpful - sure, for you - but especially for your partner. Maybe leave this episode’s transcript under their pillow? This week, our guest is Ian Kerner, New York Times bestselling author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. Ian is a licensed psychotherapist, and nationally recognized sexuality counselor who specializes in sex therapy, couples therapy and working with individuals on a range of relational issues. Today Ian Kerner shares how he has helped couples create more intimate and satisfying sexual relationships and he addresses the knowledge gap that many of us have about a woman’s sexual anatomy. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Resources: Visit Ian Kerner’s website to learn more about his work. Pick up your copy of Ian Kerner’s book, She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman . FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/ian to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Ian Kerner. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome, to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today I have with me Ian Kerner who is a nationally recognized sexuality counselor specializing in sex therapy, couples therapy, and working with individuals on a range of related issues. He's regularly quoted as an expert in various media outlets with recent appearances on CNN, The Today Show, The Dr. Oz show, and now...he's here on Relationship Alive. Ian is The New York Times bestselling author of numerous books including "She Comes First", which is what we're here to talk about today, and I should say that "She Comes First" is subtitled "The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman". In addition to being a clinical fellow of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ian is also certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists - also known as AASECT, with a doctorate in clinical sexology. If you download the transcript of today’s episode you will ALSO get a bonus show guide with highlights and action items from the show. You can do that at neilsattin.com/ian (I-A-N) or by texting the word PASSION to the number 33444 and following the instructions. Ian Kerner - thank you so much for joining us today on Relationship Alive! Ian Kerner: Thanks, Neil, my pleasure. Neil Sattin: Great. Well, we are here primarily to talk about She Comes First, which is a book about how to give pleasure to a woman and before we get started I was wondering if you could just let our listeners know a little bit more about you and how you came to write this book. Ian Kerner: Sure, well, I guess that there are two ways I came to write the book. One is sort of the professional path and the other is the personal path. Professionally, as a sex therapist at the time that I wrote the book and even through today, one of the questions I get asked most often by women is “what can I do to have an orgasm during intercourse, and what am I doing wrong?”. So I really wrote the book as a response to that question. I wanted to let women know you're not doing anything wrong. It's just that, you know, a lot of the men that you may happen to be partnered with are what I would call ill-cliterate, they know more about what's under the hood of a car than the hood of a clitoris and it's often through no fault of their own, and there's nothing wrong with you. It's just that we are sort of all trapped in what I'd call the Intercourse Discourse in terms of thinking of sex often in one way and that once you kinda break out of the intercourse discourse and think of other ways of pleasuring, and once men understand that the clitoris is the powerhouse of the female orgasm and how to stimulate the clitoris, then you really won't be asking the question, “what can I do to have an orgasm during the intercourse?” Ian Kerner: You may not be having intercourse at all, or you may be having intercourse plus other activities. So that's kind of the professional path. Personally, I suffered for many years from a very common sexual dysfunction, premature ejaculation. It's actually more prevalent than erectile disorder but certainly much less talked about, and it's an issue that leaves many men feeling sexually crippled, leaves many partners feeling frustrated and dissatisfied. And I suffered quite a deal from this... Quite a bit from this issue to the point that it affected my desire to date, and my desire to make love to a woman, certainly my confidence and my self-esteem and... Ian Kerner: When I began to learn more about female sexuality and about the power of the clitoris as sort of the centerpiece of female sexual arousal and I was able to learn how to pleasure a woman in other ways outside of just intercourse and with just my penis and I began to make love with not just my penis, but my mouth and my mind and my hands and every other part of my mind, body, and soul, it really liberated me and actually that liberation and that confidence and self-esteem became one of the most important tools that I gained at my disposal to manage premature ejaculation. Ian Kerner: So that is sort of the professional and personal pathway that led to writing She Comes First and I've been, you know, amazed over the years in terms of how the book has resonated and continues to sell and I hear not just from men but from women as well, who learned from the book and give it to their partners. And probably I'm most flattered when I hear from a parent who says, whether it's a mom or a dad, "I want my son to be sexually competent and to be respectful of female sexuality and understand female sexuality. And so I gave your book to my 18-year-old son." So that's a little bit of background to She Comes First. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that's great and it's really interesting to me because... Well, for one thing, we had Wendy Maltz on the show to talk about sexual healing and I got connected with you through Wendy and that was without really even knowing what you had done and what you were writing about. And then on the show, we've also talked a lot with a few people in particular, Diana Richardson, who wrote "Heart of Tantra" and then also Marnia Robinson, who wrote "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow", about both non-orgasmic sex and also the problems that orgasms can cause, particularly for men, in disconnecting them from their partner. And I'm bringing both of these things up because as I was reading your book, which is basically about how to perform cunnilingus, like that's what this book is about, and it does it in a very informative way, where I learned a lot about female sexuality that I didn't even know necessarily, and it's... I wanted to bring this actually to our audience because sometimes, for one thing, you may just want to go for it and have orgasms and she wanted to have some great methods and knowledge at your disposal on how to do that, so you're not just winging it. Neil Sattin: And I appreciated how in the book you brought up that most men actually don't have a lot of sources of information for how to please a woman. It's maybe the locker room, probably porn and apart from that, there's not a lot of guidance being offered. So I liked how you offer it from that perspective as a way to help bring people up the curve. Ian Kerner: Yeah, no, thank you. I mean, certainly on one level, the book is a very practical guide in how to pleasure a woman and how to, you know, create or get help to mutually co-construct and create orgasmic satisfaction and that is, I believe, through cunnilingus, not only in my own experiences, but you know, study after study shows that women, not that they prefer oral sex to intercourse, just that they most more consistently orgasm from cunnilingus as opposed to intercourse. That has a lot to do with the distance between the clitoris and the vaginal entrance, and in some women, it can be anywhere from two centimeters to four centimeters and many sexual positions or most sexual positions miss the clitoris altogether and the greater the distance, they call it the vaginal clitoral distance, the greater the distance between the clitoris with the clitoral glans, the head of the clitoris, what's visible and the vaginal entrance, the greater that distance, the harder it is for a woman to orgasm through intercourse. So, certainly manual stimulation, whether with your hand or with a sex toy and oral stimulation are more direct and consistent ways of eliciting orgasms. And I wanted and I hope that the book... I think actually the staying power of the book has been that it's a little more than just a cunnilingus guide and that it is both a real introduction to understanding female sexuality and hopefully there's a little bit of a fun philosophy in it as well. Ian Kerner: And I just came across a really interesting statistic that related to porn use and that heterosexual women are the biggest consumers of lesbian porn. So heterosexual women are the biggest consumers of lesbian porn and that's for a couple of reasons. One, that heterosexual porn often really objectifies women and that's not a turn on to women who are watching porn. And then of course lesbian porn features a lot more cunnilingus. And when you look at the top search terms by women that women enter into porn sites... How explicit is this show, Neil? How G-rated, PG-rated or R-rated do you want me to keep it? Neil Sattin: We're good, we rate it explicit on iTunes. Ian Kerner: Okay. So when you look at the top five search... Neil Sattin: However, let me just interrupt you and say if you're listening with your eight-year-old in the car right now, it might be a good time to hit pause and then come back to it. [chuckle] Ian Kerner: Okay, I would say you should have hit pause like 10 minutes ago. [laughter] Ian Kerner: But if you need to hit pause now go ahead and hit pause now. But the top terms are things like "pussy licking", "pussy eating", "pussy touching". I mean, they're all terms that really come back to clitoral stimulation and particularly oral stimulation of the clitoris. So I guess, I just wanted to provide a little bit of context and both around the importance of direct clitoral stimulation and the way that I'm trying through the book to take an act that's traditionally considered foreplay and turn it into coreplay, a complete act of love making that really vouchsafes and guarantees almost the female orgasm. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I love that, especially because we are arriving at a very similar place where we're talking about expanding the definition of intimacy and expanding what it means to be making love with your partner, coming at it from different directions. But you arrive at this very similar place which is, how are you really exploring sensuality with your partner and are you doing it in a way that's actually not objectifying your partner, but really about tapping into what really makes them tick and feel good? So let's start with that because one of the most fascinating things in reading your book was that there are 18 parts to the clitoris, and I'm not expecting you to necessarily remember what all of those are right here now. Ian Kerner: [chuckle] Okay. Neil Sattin: But I was like, "What are you even talking about?" And then you went on to elucidate. And so I'm hoping that you can just give us a little bit of a taste of what you're talking about. Ian Kerner: So male and female sexual anatomy, although they look very different, they're actually homologous and that means during the early months of gestation, when a woman is pregnant with a baby, the baby isn't really differentiated as male or female until around the 12th or 13th week and up until that time, the baby doesn't really have an assigned sex, and all of the tissue that's ultimately going to form the genital structures, it's really up for grabs, which way is it going to go, male or female? And then around the 12th or 13th week, there's some different bursts of hormones, namely testosterone. And the fetus is either differentiated as male or female, but all of the same tissue is used and male sexual anatomy will grow outward into a penis and scrotum with testicles and it's all very visible. Ian Kerner: But those same structures really exist for women, they just kind of grow... Everything grows inwards. And so what you end up seeing is a vulva that includes a vaginal entrance and inner and outer labia, as well as what we would also call the clitoris. Really what we tend to think of as the clitoris and sometimes people refer to it as a bump or the little man in the boat or the pea in the pod. I mean, there's a lot of sort of vernacular around the clitoris but really that what you're seeing is the head of the clitoris, or the clitoral glans just as a guy has a head on his penis, and really for a woman that clitoral glans is really just kind of the tip of the iceberg. And there's a whole internal development of sexual anatomy and really the latest science is really showing that all of that material really encompasses what you would consider sort of like the clitoral network, and so that even the g-spot is probably just the back and roots of the clitoris. Ian Kerner: And so that's really what I mean when I say that the clitoris has 18 parts, that the part that we normally associate with... Usually are generally associated with the clitoris again, is really just the tip of the iceberg and there are other parts that are internal and external that constitute the totality of the clitoral network, and it would be extremely... It's really rather rare for a woman to really experience arousal and certainly orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Neil Sattin: Right. So even if you're having, say vaginal orgasms, that's probably because you're stimulating the part of the clitoris that is actually surrounding... Ian Kerner: Correct, correct. And those... That part of... Those parts of the clitoris tend to be either on the surface of the vulva or within the first inch or two of the vaginal entrance and the deeper you go into the vagina, the less nerve endings, there are... The less sensitivity there is. And so really when you think about making love, making love to a woman, rather than thinking vaginally, you should really be thinking clitorally. And rather than thinking about penetration, you should be thinking about stimulation and rather than thinking about really internal stimulation, you should be thinking about external stimulation of the vulva. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so hence what you were talking about earlier, about how the penetration really doesn't even have to happen at all. Ian Kerner: No, it really doesn't. And that's why, you know, when men obsess over penis size, not to say that size is totally irrelevant, or that size doesn't matter, or that it doesn't feel good to a woman to have a penis inside a vagina. I'm not trying to discredit entirely the role of the penis in pleasuring a woman, but I don't think that really size is as relevant as men think it is. Neil Sattin: And when you're talking to people about performing oral sex on a woman, what kind of problems or obstacles do you run into around actually someone diving into doing that? Ian Kerner: Okay, well, I mean, first of all, it is about thinking of oral sex, not just as sort of an optional appetizer but is a required entree and understanding, thinking of oral sex, clitoral stimulation as a complete act of love making that often can include the female orgasm. It's also not just what you're doing, but when you're doing it and being tuned into a woman's arousal arc and thinking about it as a dance in which you are both participants in which she's often leading the dance in order to cue to you the type of stimulation that at the time feels good and right. I mean, as we sort of know the more you get aroused, the more tolerance you have for sensation. So certain things that may feel not so great at the beginning may feel really great towards the end of an act of love making closer to orgasm. The other thing that I deal with is probably just self-esteem issues, misconceptions. I often am working with couples in which ironically, believe it or not, it's often the male partner who's very eager to engage in oral sex, really loves going down on his partner, really enjoys it, wants to sort of liberate himself from the tyranny of his penis. Ian Kerner: I'm using rather a hyperbolic language today on this podcast. And very often, it's a female partner who has genital self-esteem issues, so maybe she feels like she doesn't look beautiful down there, or taste wonderful, or smell is great, or maybe she feels like she's taking too long. Women often can bring a lot of anxiety around receiving oral sex, and for many women, especially women who have experienced faking orgasms, it's sometimes easier to give pleasure than it is to receive pleasure. I know a lot of women who really enjoy giving pleasure and can really participate in that way, but when it comes to receiving pleasure, they tend to get very anxious or very inhibited. And so a lot of times that's the point at which I'm kind of entering into this situation and certainly there are men who are ambivalent about oral sex who don't understand it as being important, who don't understand clitoral stimulation, who maybe have had some negative experiences in the past, or were brought up to feel that maybe a woman's vulva or vagina is unhygienic in some ways. So there can be a lot of myths and misconceptions, and opportunities for discomfort around oral sex. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that brings up so many questions from me. I guess the first one would be, well, let's talk about those hang ups. So if someone is really feeling self-conscious about their own vagina or vulva, how do you work with someone like that so that they can relax into receiving? Ian Kerner: Well, it's sort of like throwing a stone into a pond and watching the ripples. How close to the stone are you going to get? Like at what point do you address the rippling? Do you think that... Well, really, I want to be in the kind of relationship that lends itself to intimate connected sex, and I really need to focus more on the positivity in the relationship and being in a sex-positive relationship and being able to communicate openly and constructively and arousingly around sex and then maybe you need to get closer to the sex act itself. And what are you really doing to stimulate desire and arousal? Some studies really show that the closer a woman gets to orgasm the more parts of the brain that are associated with stress, anxiety, high emotion deactivate and that as a woman is having an orgasm, she's actually entering into almost a kind of a trance-like state. And so what is happening to facilitate that process of deactivation where a woman can shut down those stress centers in the brain and those anxiety centers? And what are you doing in the actual environment around sex to create a sex-conducive environment to actually create sort of a love nest? And does that require music? Does it require lighting? Does it require certain types of being dressed or undressed? Like what does it take for a woman to feel really comfortable? Ian Kerner: And then I think the most important factor is really to be able to hear from a guy, hopefully a guy with whom she loves and has a secure, trusting attachment that she can really let go with, to hear from a guy, to be reassured like, "You are absolutely beautiful. I love doing this and it's arousing to me and I get so turned on by this and the longer it takes actually, the more I'm just postponing my own gratification and the more intense my own gratification is going to be." I think so many women just wonder, "Does he like doing this or is it a chore?" And you ask so many men and they say, "Well, I love doing it. It's the last thing from a chore. It's completely arousing. I get into my own kind of zen headspace." And then just the way you would look into a woman's eyes and let her know how beautiful you find her, I think, you want to be able to let her know how beautiful you find her vulva and you want to contribute to, again, that concept of genital self-esteem, positive genital self-esteem, that doesn't come from just your own sense of your body, like you need to be told by your partner that you are beautiful. And I think we often are focused on, "Oh, your hair looks great, or that dress looks great, or you look so hot and sexy right now." And we need to be able to extend those compliments to our mutual genitals. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah and I noticed you were using the pronoun he but, I mean, this can apply to both... Ian Kerner: Right. Absolutely, absolutely. I didn't mean to take the words out of your mouth, but yes, it can apply to... I work with a lot of lesbian women who have bought She Comes First because they may have some inhibitions around oral sex or they want to be more proficient. And so, yes, I didn't mean to be gender-specific although I do have to say, I didn't write the book in a gender-neutral way. A lot of sex books and I've written a bunch of them can be written in a gender-neutral way, but I really wanted to send a specific message to heterosexual men. Neil Sattin: Yeah and probably rightly so, because if nothing else, we don't have a woman's body, so we don't have... And in fact, our penises can probably take a lot more and a lot different kinds of stimulation that we don't even think about than we might practice if we didn't know any better when we are with a woman. Ian Kerner: Yeah, I think that's true. When you look at the age at which men start having nocturnal emissions or wet dreams and they start masturbating and having their first orgasms, there's a huge concentration all in those early teen years, 13, 14, 15, and men have their first ejaculations and they figure out how to give them themselves these ejaculations repeatedly, and for most men orgasm and sex are very tied together, and most men wouldn't really think twice if you ask them, “do you know how to give yourself an orgasm?” But when you look at women, it's a very different story across the board. Women have their first orgasms at vastly different ages, many women who have had orgasms early in their teen years don't necessarily know exactly how to replicate them. Even today, I have a number of women in my practice who weren't really sure they've ever had orgasms. They've certainly enjoyed sex and they've felt a lot of arousal, but they're not sure that they've had orgasms. Neil Sattin: Yeah. One thing that you mentioned in just a few moments ago, it came out as part of how you reassure a partner, but I heard you talking about this what you call The Three Assurances. So I'm wondering if we can just enumerate those for people listening, so they know exactly what you're talking about that... because these seem really key. Ian Kerner: Yeah, do you mind if I go grab the book off my shelf then? I don't have it, so... [overlapping conversation] Neil Sattin: You know what I can... I'll read them out loud. Ian Kerner: Oh, that would be lovely. Neil Sattin: Because I have it right in front of me. Ian Kerner: Why don't you do that? Yeah, well, okay. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I didn't mean this for this to be a pop quiz... Ian Kerner: No, no, no, no, but I think the book says it better than I would just impromptu. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so what you write are, "To that end, the three assurances of the cunnilinguist manifesto are as follows: Number one, going down on her turns you on. You enjoy it as much as she does." So, I would paraphrase that, something like your pleasure gives me pleasure. Ian Kerner: Absolutely. Neil Sattin: "Number two, there's no rush. She has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment." So that's taking the time pressure off and letting it just be what it is. And I have a question about that, but I'll come back to it. Ian Kerner: Okay. Neil Sattin: And then the third thing is that, "Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful. It all emanates from the same beautiful essence." So basically, where you're saying the whole visceral experience of being there is great, is amazing for me. So the question I had about the second one, the all the time in the world is... The book is about bringing a woman to orgasm and yet we also talk a lot about not being orgasm-focused and being real sort of process-oriented instead of product-oriented. Ian Kerner: Well, that's interesting, I don't... Yeah, let's talk about this. I don't think that there is anything necessarily wrong with being orgasm-focused. Our body participates in the process of arousal. There is a vasocongestion but blood flow to the genitals. There's myotonia, there's sexual tension being developed throughout the body and when those two processes kind of reach a tipping point, that muscular tension causes orgasm which is a flood of different sort of feel good hormones that are all triggered and connected to the release of sexual attention, and men and women have capacities to orgasm. Women have an innate capacity to experience multiple orgasms, and certainly, over the course of the life cycle, our relationship with orgasm changes and orgasms can feel differently and happen at different intervals. And we can lose our ability to have orgasms, but I don't think that there's anything wrong with being focused on, or wanting to have an orgasm, or wanting a partner to have an orgasm. And very often you will hear in the media and in writing and from professional therapists, many of whom are my colleagues, you'll sometimes hear, "Well, men tend to be orgasm-focused. Women tend to be more process-focused, more pleasure-focused, can enjoy sex without necessarily having an orgasm every time." Ian Kerner: I think that there is some truth to that, but I also want to just say that I meet with women every day in my practice who are sometimes on their own or sometimes as part of a couple and they are often very, very, very frustrated that they're not having orgasms in the sex that they're having. And given the choice between not having an orgasm and having an orgasm, they would much rather have one. And certainly there are times in life when you don't always have an orgasm, but if you're in a relationship where you are having sex and you are consistently not having orgasms, I'm going to wager that there's going to be a lot of distress and dissatisfaction. And I think also that one of the reasons we often tend to say, "Oh, women can be pleasure-focused or less concerned, or care less about orgasms," is because as men, we don't live in a culture where men really consistently are tuned in, care, and can kind of elicit orgasms consistently. So I think a lot of that sort of verbiage around being pleasure-focused and non-orgasm-focused is also justifying a paradigm in which men always get to have orgasms during sex and women do not. And so... My dogs are barking incessantly in the background. Neil Sattin: They agree with you. [chuckle] Ian Kerner: So I just want to challenge that assumption again. Listen, I understand that we should all be pleasure-focused. I've been working with a client for the last few weeks, and he's a gay man and he experiences erectile issues and delayed ejaculation, and one of the biggest changes he made on his OkCupid profile is saying that he is pleasure-focused as opposed to orgasm-focused. So I don't want to say that I don't understand the sentiment and that there aren't certain people for whom they really are going to be more pleasure-focused than orgasm-focused, but I also really don't want to discount the value and importance of orgasm, and I don't want to live in a world where we think that, "Oh, men consistently get to have their orgasms and women don't and that's okay, because women are more pleasure-focused and less orgasm-focused than men. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I really appreciate your taking a stand for the orgasm just now. And it makes a lot of sense that the mechanism is there. So if the experience of not having an orgasm is about the inability to have an orgasm or about... Well, not being able to take the time to have an orgasm which is what brought us down this topic, this line of conversation, then yeah, don't let it be an excuse by any means. Ian Kerner: Right. Now the other myth that's out there, it's not exactly a myth but it's sort of a semi-truth is that it takes women longer to get aroused and reach orgasm than it does men. And that's certainly something that I see in my practice all the time that I wrote in She Comes First, that I pretty much stand by. But when you also talk to women about masturbation and their sort of approach to self-pleasure, many if not most women will say, "Well, if I want to I can get there in three minutes." And it kind of starts to really resemble the way men masturbate and the road to orgasm can be as short for women as it is for men, that doesn't always translate into relational sex between two people, but I would say it's also something of a myth that it always takes women longer to reach orgasm, and that's so... Even in my reassurance about time, when you have all the time in the world then you're just happy to be there, it doesn't have to be a chore and it doesn't have to take so long. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, and another thing I wanted to just clarify for you, too, is that when I say that here on the show we've talked a lot about non-orgasmic sex, we've been really approaching it from the perspective of well, for one thing, the way that for a man having an orgasm changes the level of connection that they're experiencing with their partner when they're making love. So in a way it's like taking it off the table so that you can actually prolong what's happening when you are doing the rest of the stuff, which is affecting you, obviously, biochemically and also energetically. Ian Kerner: Absolutely. I would agree with that. Very often when I'm working with couples and there's a sex issue, or they're not having mutual orgasms, or they're not enjoying sex as much as they could or there's some kind of dysfunction, I'll often say, "Well, let's take orgasms and sex off the table and let's just sort of go back to a ground zero and build up from there." Neil Sattin: Yeah, well, I think that this podcast episode would not be complete without talking about some actual techniques and details of how to do it and we don't have to cover everything. There's a lot of information in Ian's book, She Comes First, and that makes me think of another question but before I ask that, let's just talk about a few things that are important and that maybe you find to be the biggest problems when people are actually performing oral sex on a woman and how to do it differently? Ian Kerner: I think one misconception is that the tongue or an oral sex, it's about penetration or that the tongue is kind of a stand-in for the penis. And then a lot of guys sort of focus on sort of showing off a little bit. And again, all of the nerve endings that really contribute to the female orgasm are located on the surface of the vulva. They respond to gentle stimulation rather than penetration. Some women have told me, when complaining about their partner's oral sex techniques, "Oh, it's like the running of the bulls in Spain, a mad stampede for my clit." That's not what you want to be doing. They're like, "When he goes down on me, it's like a cobra fighting a mongoose." It's just like a...you don't want to be that vicious cobra. You want to approach oral sex again as a dance in which a woman is often leading, sometimes just providing a very flat still tongue or a simple point of resistance. Ian Kerner: There's an area of the vulva, of the clitoris, that's actually just above the clitoral glans which would be more in the area of the hood that kind of covers the glans but it's just that area, just sort of a little above and behind the clitoral glans that's called the Front Commissure and it's a little smooth area that's so kinda like the... As big as... Less than the size of a fingernail of your pinky, but there's a lot of nerve endings there and that area responds very well to pressure, not necessarily friction but pressure and if you just sort of get into a groove and get into a position where a woman is... Ian Kerner: Where there's contact between the front commissure and either a tongue or even better, something that's firmer than a tongue like your front gum just above your tooth, if you just sort of raise your lip into kind of like a little bit of an Elvis Presley snarl and just kinda nestle your gum against that front commissure which is, again, not exactly on the clitoral glans but more sort of just above and behind the clitoral glans a little, and then just kinda get right into that. And let her do... Let her sort of set the routine. It's a little like when a woman is on top during the intercourse. One of the reasons the female superior position is the position that most consistently leads to orgasms for women is because in that position they can really get a lot of clitoral stimulation by pressing the clitoris against a guy's pelvis and pubic bone and also really control the frequency and pressure and the nature of the stimulation against the clitoris as well. If you can do the same thing during oral sex and really let her sort of press into a point of resistance, again, sort of like the soft area of your gum just above your tooth might be, I would say, is ideal. Ian Kerner: And really let her lead the dance. In some ways you don't have to do anything more than that. You can certainly use your tongue to be providing, to be going back and forth against the clitoris or looking inside the vulva and the vaginal entrance, you can also... You should also certainly think about enhancing oral stimulation with manual stimulation, whether your fingers or a sex toy. You can raise your fingers and sort of press into the g-spot area, but certainly a combination of manual stimulation and oral stimulation and again where you're less of the lead dancer and more of following her lead is one approach that I often recommend for people who are just sort of entering the world of oral sex. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and one thing that made a huge impression on me was you mentioned stillness, as being really important as well as movement. Ian Kerner: Uh-huh, yeah, and part of that is because men reach a point of ejaculatory inevitability and this has a lot to do with evolution and the importance of the male ejaculation to reproduction of the human race, but men can very quickly, often very quickly reach a point of ejaculatory inevitability. You're going to have an orgasm, you're going to ejaculate and there's no pulling back, and you get to that point of no return. And I think for men that's sort of how we conceptualize the sexual response cycle. But most women will tell you that they can very easily lose an orgasm, and that even as an orgasm is starting to happen, it can still be lost. There is no point of inevitability, there is no real point of no return, and that's why I emphasize both stillness and predictable routines. If you're doing something and it's working, keep doing it until she lets you know otherwise. Too many men I hear from their partners are doing great jobs, a woman is very close to having an orgasm, she's very excited. And based on that excitement, they will sort of get excited themselves or change what they're doing. And it's in that change that a woman often loses her orgasm. So, I do emphasize tuning in, I do emphasize stillness, I do emphasize following her lead, and I do emphasize predictable, consistent, rhythmic routines. Neil Sattin: Great, well, Ian Kerner, thank you so much for your time and for all the valuable information that you've given us today on the podcast. And I just wanna say that Ian's book "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" is available on Amazon and also probably at your local bookseller. You can visit Ian on the web, his address is iankerner.com. And again, if you’d like to download the transcript AND the bonus action guide for this episode, just visit neilsattin.com/ian, that's IAN or you can just text the word "passion", PASSION to the number 33444 and follow the instructions there. Ian, thanks again for coming on the show today, and for defending the orgasm, and also giving us some great words of wisdom for how to have more pleasure in our intimate lives. Ian Kerner: You're very welcome. I can't think of anything I'd rather be defending, so thank you.
Over the past decade, the #MeToo movement has ushered mainstream awareness of the overwhelming occurrence of sexual abuse across all demographics of our society. In this episode, Dr. Megan Speciale will interview sexual trauma experts Wendy Maltz and Jimanekia Eborn on how to support survivors’ sexual wellness after abuse, including specific strategies that you can use with your clients and loved ones to support their process of healing. For more on the interviewees, links from the conversation, and the APA citation for this episode visit https://wp.me/p7R6fn-rQ.
We are joined by relationship therapist and author of The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography Wendy Maltz. The 14th-century Sufi poet, Hafiz wrote: “Learn to recognize the counterfeit coins that may buy you just a moment of pleasure, but then drag you for days like a broken man behind a farting camel.” Pornography is not only an individual problem, it's a social and cultural problem. It is impacting many relationships, individuals and in the dawn of virtual reality pornography and easy access, it is conditioning our future generations, how they think and how they interact in society and in interpersonal relationships. How, you may wonder, can something that isn't a drug, isn't an extramarital affair, isn't actually sex with someone else, cause such devastating problems as divorce, getting fired, and not being able to get sexually aroused by a real live partner? On this episode, we hope to help you (as a user or a partner or friend of a regular user) to: • Understand why this is a societal and cultural problem • Understand how the porn habit is formed and how it can rewire our brains • Evaluate the impact of porn on children, society and relationships You can find out more about Wendy and her books at: http://healthysex.com/
Most women have experienced sexual harassment, and 1 in 6 women will be the victim of sexual assault or rape. Listen to a discussion about healing from sexual violence with Dr. Will Courtenay and guests Wendy Maltz, psychotherapist and author of The Sexual Healing Journey, and Dr. Brigee Jackson from Bay Area Women Against Rape. The post Sexual Harassment & Abuse – How Survivors Can Heal appeared first on KPFA.
Welcome to episode 35 of sexology podcast. Today I'm joined by Wendly Maltz LCSW, who shares with us the steps one can take to rediscover the joy of sexual intimacy after experiencing sexual assault. Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized sex therapist, author, and speaker, with more than thirty-five years of experience treating sex and intimacy concerns. She authored a number of highly acclaimed sexuality resources, including the recovery classic, The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, as well as Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies, and The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography. Wendy compiled and edited two best-selling poetry collections that celebrate healthy sexual intimacy, Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love and Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure. Her popular educational website, www.HealthySex.com, provides free articles, podcast interviews, posters, couples sexual healing videos, and more to help people recover from sexual abuse, overcome sexual problems, and develop skills for love-based sexual intimacy. An experienced public speaker, workshop trainer and keynote presenter, Wendy has lectured in many major cities in the U.S., plus in Canada and New Zealand. Her presentation style is described as “warm and friendly,” “professional,” “information rich,” and “accessible.” Having worked in the field of sexuality for over three decades, Wendy knows how to put her audiences at ease on the subject. In this episode, you will hear: The common myths that exist around sexual assault How people can blame themselves for something they didn't have control over The issue and complications around consent How being sexually assaulted can affect a person's outlook on sex Common sexual challenges that survivors face Ways in which you can support a partner who's been sexually assaulted Discovering when you are ready to go on the sexual healing journey How it's possible to still enjoy sex after being assaulted Resources www.HealthySex.com Books https://www.amazon.com/The-Sexual-Healing-Journey-Survivors/dp/0062130730 https://www.amazon.com/Private-Thoughts-Exploring-Womens-Fantasies-ebook/dp/B00A8SKN6K https://www.amazon.com/Porn-Trap-Essential-Overcoming-Pornography/dp/0061231878 https://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Hearts-Poetry-Sexual-Love/dp/1577315677 https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Kisses-Poetry-Sexual-Pleasure/dp/157731445X
World renowned sex therapist Wendy Maltz joins us to discuss the social and psychological consequences for young men who grow up with fast and easy access to increasingly extreme pornography. For show notes and to join the conversation visit: http://myownworstenemy.org/podcast Email: danny@myownworstenemy.org Follow Danny on Twitter: http://twitter.com/dannydwhittaker Podcast Image: Heather Hopkins https://flic.kr/p/4nGnjd
How do we have relationships after abuse and sexual trauma? Sexual trauma is a topic that’s not commonly talked about. The survivors sometimes think that it’s their fault why they were abused. In this interview with Wendy Maltz, an internationally recognized author, sex therapist and a licensed clinical social worker, she talks about sexual trauma and relationships after abuse. And how partners can help us recover from negative experiences. Get all the resources for this episode and listen to more at https://www.thrivinglaunch.com
Pornography is more abundant and accessible than ever before. So it probably isn't surprising that it appears to be having a greater impact on romantic relationships. This week, the Sugars begin a two-part series on the topic. Part 1 focuses on some basic questions about porn -- is it wrong to use it? Why do people turn to porn? Is there such a thing as "healthy" porn use in a relationship? They discuss with the help of sex therapist Wendy Maltz.
In this podcast Alanis talks with Wendy Maltz about relationships and sex. Below are the references discussed in this podcast: The Sexual Healing Journey Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies Incest and Sexuality: A Guide to Understanding and Healing Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure The Porn Trap Planned Parenthood Recommended Books & Resources Where Do I Come From? What's Happening To Me? Your Body Belongs To You It's My Body Relearning Touch Video Hand on Heart Anchoring
My philosophy is that relationships not only CAN be a vehicle for your own healing, but that it’s actually REQUIRED to do your work to heal from whatever is keeping you from fully showing up - in your life, in your relationship, AND in the bedroom. And just like we touched on in our conversation with Diana Richardson way back in episode two - there is tremendous potential for you, when you’re in relationship, to help your partner on that journey of healing - especially sexual healing. Today’s guest is Wendy Maltz, author of The Sexual Healing Journey. Her book is about how to recover from sexual trauma and deepen your capacity for intimacy and sexual pleasure. In this episode, we’re talking about how you can take on that legacy of pain and potential disconnect - and use it to build a more solid, loving, sensual, and, yes, sexual connection with your partner. There are all kinds of things that could have an impact on your sexual development, cause some degree of trauma, and be an obstacle to true intimacy with your partner. So even if you haven’t been specifically affected by some form of assault or abuse, this conversation is for you to find opportunities for your own sexual growth and healing. If you HAVE been affected by some form of sexual trauma - this conversation could potentially be a trigger for you. My goal through having Wendy on the program is to help you and your partner get through the triggers together, to a place where you can have deep intimacy, connection, and the kind of fulfilling sex life that is your birthright. Wendy Maltz is an internationally-recognized author, psychotherapist, and a certified sex therapist with over 35 years’ experience. Along with The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, which is the topic of our discussion today, she also has written The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography, which also factors into our discussion. Wendy is the co-producer of Relearning Touch, a highly-acclaimed video guide for couples who are healing intimate problems caused by sexual abuse - and which is now available for FREE on her website. Along with her husband, Larry, Wendy runs Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, OR. Here are some of the highlights from the conversation that Wendy and I share about how to develop healthy, deep intimacy with your partner as part of the sexual healing journey that you can be on together: Assault, rape, abuse, and incest affect both men and women directly and indirectly. Statistics show that 1 in 3 females and 1 in 5-7 males are sexually abused in their lifetime. When you include the partners of those people, you start to see that this is an issue that affects many, if not most, of us in some way. Are you yourself a survivor? If not, how many people have you been with, or known, who have been? What is sexual abuse? Wendy defines it broadly as any action that dominates or exploits an innocent victim by sexual activity or suggestion. When you also look back at your own sexual development, you can often find places where you experienced trauma of some form. Someone laughed at you at the wrong moment, or you experienced shame, or embarrassment, or...any number of things could be the source of sexual “trauma.” Can you identify places in your own history that might need some attention? What are some common relationship problems that can be traced back to sexual abuse? Wendy says that reactions to abuse can include: fear of sex/withdrawal, viewing sex as an obligation, guilt or shame in touching, sexual function problems, low sex drive, painful intercourse, intrusive sexual fantasies, and dissociation during sex. It can also include hyper-sexualization - becoming overly interested in sexual activity. Realize that there is a distinction between sex and intimacy. As you expand into a broader experience of intimacy and connection with your partner, it can help put sex in a context that eases some of the pressure. This also helps to create a container of safety, which will lead to more sex, and more fulfilling sex. What feeds a relationship over time is the sensual sharing that takes place during true intimacy. What if your partner is a survivor of past abuse? What can you do to help? It helps if you, as the partner of a survivor, could be educated about abuse and its repercussions. It’s normal for you to feel in the dark, or isolated. If your sex life is suffering, traditional approaches for “spicing things up” can actually trigger your partner (perhaps you’ve experienced that?). Don’t look at your problem as one of needing to spark more desire - see it as a path towards building a container that’s safe enough for you to explore together. This isn’t to say that, if you’re the partner of someone who has suffered sexual trauma, that you should deny your own desires. Learning how to communicate about your desire in a way that owns it and does not make it your partner’s “problem” can lead to productive conversations about how to meet each other sexually. This might also be an opportunity for you to look back on your sexual development and think about whether what you “desire” is what you actually want! Are you looking for an enormous hit of dopamine, or are you looking for ways to build intimacy with your partner? And if it’s dopamine - while it may feel good, in the moment - is it actually serving you in terms of what you want out of your life and your partnership? Partners should be aware, be conscious, take a team approach together, create safety in sex, communicate, be present, and explore new approaches to touch and intimacy. If something isn’t working - don’t do it! Instead, shift to a mindset of working together to get through it. What if the survivor reacts negatively to sexual intimacy via triggers of past abuse? The most important thing is for the partner not to take it personally, but focus on doing the OPPOSITE of what a perpetrator might do. Ask how the other person feels, check in with their feelings, and have compassion and understanding. Is there hope? Will you ever be able to experience sexuality and intimacy freely together? Absolutely. You can stop behavior that triggers negative feelings, work as a team, change behaviors, process feelings together, and make sex safe and fun. Above all, realize that love is stronger than sexual abuse. What can a survivor do when they are being triggered to remember the abuse of the past? The first step is to simply notice that it’s happening, stop what you’re doing, be aware of the reaction, and identify what behavior caused the reaction. Use this as an opportunity to relax. Breathe, be calm, take a break. Talk about it with your partner if possible, and don’t condemn yourself for being triggered. Putting pressure on yourself to do it “right” is counterproductive! Get in touch with the present. How old are you now? What are you experiencing in THIS moment, with your partner (or yourself). Do what you need to do to pull yourself back into the present moment. After getting back into the present, you can re-approach intimacy. Try a different approach than what caused the trigger moment. How can you anchor each other in the present, in your experience with each other? Definitely check out Wendy Maltz’s Relearning Touch video which is now available for FREE on her website. The video teaches touch exercises that develop skills to relax, communicate, and be present in the moment. The exercises can be done with or without clothes, and can be used as ideas from which to create your own healing with positive displays of fun and playfulness. These exercises are also detailed in her book The Sexual Healing Journey. The exercises create a continuum of touch to move slowly toward more sexual activities as they are sequential in intensity, and will lead to completely different associations with sex and sensual contact. One idea that can be helpful is to agree with your partner to an initial “vacation” - meaning a period of time when you agree that you will NOT be having sex. Having a vacation actually allows you to explore other ways of being intimate and connected with each other (it’s not a connection vacation!) - without having any pressure around having sex. Once the pressure is off, you can discover more subtleties about how to develop your intimate connection with each other. Another helpful technique is to each find a “home base” on your partner’s body, a place that you can touch that can help you feel safe and comforted when triggers bring up past abuse, or when your partner is triggered and you want to communicate your safe presence to them. Visiting the home base on your partner’s body is a way to let them know that you’re going through something and that you need reassurance, safety, and connection from them - allowing you to be in an uncomfortable place without breaking your connection completely during those moments. On pornography: Pornography that is readily available to children (via the internet) interferes with their normal sexual development. Children should be allowed to “unfold” their sexuality in a way that corresponds to their maturity level, and many are denied that opportunity because of graphic pornography. Many adults and children are having their view of sexuality potentially formed by their interactions with pornography, versus developing from being present in real-life interactions with partners over time. What is considered a “healthy” exploration of sexuality as children mature? Boys and girls are naturally curious but should be ready and in control of their sexuality. They should also be mature enough to know the consequences of their sexual choices. What is the impact of pornography on relationships? Many people consider it harmless entertainment, but the repercussions are great. Porn shows people being used as objects, shows sex as a form of power, and often displays a total lack of intimacy. Also, about 20% of internet porn involves child sexual abuse - or the simulation of underage sex. Often, porn is the first exposure young people have with their sexuality, and therefore, they don’t learn the needed relationship skills of self-control, intimacy, and rich connection with a partner. Porn is like fast food that dulls our appetite for better, creative, healthy food, and can potentially be an obstacle to the enjoyment of a rich, satisfying, nurturing, sexual relationship based on love. It can focus our sexual drive on chasing bigger and bigger hits of dopamine, instead of fostering deeper and deeper intimacy. Those are different mechanisms in the brain, and those choices also have different impacts on a relationship. Wendy concludes by saying, “Those negatives about being sexually abused don’t have to be the last word on sex for us. We CAN reclaim sexuality.” Links and Resources: www.healthysex.com (Wendy’s website with links to resources) The Sexual Healing Journey on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/wendy is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a signed copy of “The Sexual Healing Journey”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!
Right click here to download the mp3. Image LocationJoin Sybil, Amelia, Sara, Heather, and Jenni for the first part of their discussion about their experiences with and the causes and effects of Good Girl Syndrome.ResourcesAnd They Were Not Ashamed by Laura BrothersonThe Mormon Missionary PositionPassionate Hearts edited by Wendy MaltzIntimate Kisses edited by Wendy MaltzThe Soul of Sex by Thomas MooreIna May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May GaskinWomen's Therapy Center on Vulvar VestibulitisDo Atheists Have Better Sex Lives? Mormon Stories: 245 Pornography, Masturbation, Sex and Marriage in MormonismMormon Stories: 214-216 LDS Female Sexuality with Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife Mormon Stories: 300-301: LDS Women and Sexual Desire with Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-FifeMormon Stories: 280: How to Have Better Sex in Your Mormon Marriage Mormon Expression: Episode 120a: Female Sexuality in the LDS Culture Part 1Mormon Expression: Episode 120b: Female Sexuality in the LDS Culture Part 2
This interview is with couples therapist and certified sex therapist Wendy Maltz about the impact of sexual abuse on sexuality, and ways to reclaim pleasure, safety and intimacy. She reports that taking a vacation from sex is sometimes necessary, because when sex feels like an obligation, it can often trigger difficulties from the abuse. She ...read more » The post Sexual Healing after Sexual Abuse with Wendy Maltz appeared first on Safe Space Radio.
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