Dear Men

Have you ever wished you could scientifically determine what's wrong in your relationship? Or felt it would be helpful to somehow mathematically see how compatible you are with someone you're dating? Or gone through a difficult period with a relationship partner and wished you could understand one another better? There's a love tool that may be able to help. Zoey Charif went from getting a degree in Crimonology to writing about love and relationships — and in her love work, she brought to bear her curiosity about human behavior. The result? Her generating an instrument (like a personality test) that helps couples as well as singles grasp, another other things, compatibility. Perhaps the most interesting part is that Zoey herself has used it alongside her husband — to great effect in their marriage. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“What causes betrayals?”“We are driven by primal instincts.”“I feel lucky to be with you.”“No one wants to feel like, ‘I'm not doing well in my marriage.'”“We both started to step up.”“If you're unhappy, your spouse is probably also unhappy.”“Change takes time.”“You are not put on this earth to be unfulfilled.”“You can't be doing the work for both of you.”---Mentioned on this episode:Zoey's site: www.lovecaninfactbecalculated.com

What does it mean to be a good parent?If part of your job is to provide stability, then it can seem like even if your love relationship isn't fulfilling, it's best to grit your teeth and get through it -- at least until the kids are out of the house.The truth is a lot more nuanced.Consider the following, for example:What are you role-modeling to your children if you stay in a relationship that's physically or emotionally barren? What are they learning from you and your partner about conflict and repair? About boundaries? About warmth and affection?Would you want them to someday be in the relationship you're in?One confusing constellation of this can be when you're great co-parents with your wife/partner, but, say, your sex life is dead. In other words you manage the household well together, but there's no passion. Another is when you have a difficult spouse/partner and feel concerned that if you're not around to protect the kids from her, issues will arise.Here we delve into unhealthy (and healthy) relationship dynamics, whether "making it work" is a real thing, and what you impart to your kids daily, without saying a word.Growing almost always requires discomfort, but here's the good news: When you choose to lean into growth, you're teaching your children the bravest lesson of all.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Have you experienced any of the following yourself, or been in a love relationship with a partner who did?You've held beliefs like, "I must be broken," or, "The world is completely dangerous."You constantly tested your partner's loyaltyYou've thought things like, "I'm too much and my needs are too much."You've played out patterns to the effect of: "If I meet your needs perfectly, maybe you won't hurt me or leave me."You've experienced health issues like chronic pain, gastrointestinal issues, or chronic fatigueYou've alternated between pushing others away or clinging tightlyYou feel confused about your relationship issues because when looking back on your childhood you've thought, "No one overly abused me, so why is this happening?"---If so, you may be dealing with complex PTSD, also known as C-PTSD. Here we delve into what C-PTSD is, what it's not, and what to do about it.We also discuss the reality that trauma is intergenerational by nature. If your parents or their parents didn't get what they needed, and if those folks don't do their healing work, they're extremely likely to pass it on. But you don't have to.Whether you're coming with anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, fearful avoidant attachment, or somewhere in between, know this: Healing is ALWAYS possible.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Memorable quotes from this episode:"Developmental trauma can shape personality development.""They may deeply crave closeness while simultaneously fearing it.""This is the nervous system interpreting current stress as old danger.""Intimacy may be disrupted by this internal sense of danger that is hard to name.""Relationships can be a powerful source of repair.""Safe relationships can help reestablish trust, soften defenses, and over a period of time can support emotional regulation.""The body often holds what the mind cannot express.""It's often intergenerational trauma playing out.""Trauma is both individual and collective.""Healing is absolutely possible. I have seen it!"

We all know the "rules" have changed when it comes to dating and relationships. There are few absolute in terms of how to relate to a dating or relationship partner, which begs questions like:If not money, then what IS the modern man supposed to provide?If you're a man, it may be hard to grasp what a woman truly craves from you. There's good news on this front, though: We women still need you! In fact, many would say we need healthy, passionate, masculine men now more than ever. And there are two very specific things healthy, embodied women truly desire from men. Here we delve into those, and along the way touch on sexy time, how hot it is when a man has a strong backbone, and how to keep up with all the shifting dynamics going on when it comes to sex, love, and dating in the modern world. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men episode 262: Are you lonely?Dear Men episode 215: Are you intimidated by her big emotions? Here's what to do.Dear Men episode 329: How do you stay grounded when she's upset or dysregulated?Dear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programmingDear men episode 327: Transforming shame into power---Memorable quotes from this episode: "How do I win in this?""Can you provide me steadiness in a turbulent world?""We men are being asked to show up more — with more complexity.""I just avoided conflict … deny, deflect, defend."“If we don't have a capacity to attune and be present with ourselves, we can't do it with a partner.""Emotional safety does not mean please and appease.""There's not a lot we as a couple can do about that until I've worked with my own shame.""Women, more than ever, want to be polarized!""Most people want to know their partner wants to f*** them!"

Have you ever doubted? Whether you've doubted yourself, the existence of a higher power, the efficacy of "alternative" healing techniques, or anything that goes against the mainstream -- this has likely come up for you at some point.When Naushad was young, he came very close to being a pro soccer player. But physical injury after injury stymied him, and set him on a path of healing that took him from North to South America and beyond.This is one man's personal journey of going from being a skeptic to a believer. Not a blind faith believer, but one with nuance and consideration -- and longstanding impacts on not only his his sex, dating, and relationship life, but his experience with Life itself.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“The limiting beliefs started to pick up and escalate.”“I could not sit with myself because there was so much anxiety.”“I had to ask for help, and that has historically been one of the most difficult things for me.”“Immediately all these doors start to open, without me trying.”“The messages are always there; it's just a matter of whether we're willing to listen.”“In the seeking, what that meant for me was having the humility to say, ‘I don't know.'”“I'm in a dark hole and I don't know what to do.”“The practice becomes not working or trying, but letting go and letting it come through.”“'True faith is being able to step forward when you can't see.'”“What's the next right door?”“This is the most important work you'll ever do in your life.”---Mentioned on this episode:Naushad's site (https://resilientbeing.me/)Book rec: The AlchemistBook rec: The Celestine ProphecyDear Men episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming and trauma

Are you concerned about your lack of experience, whether that's sexually, in a dating context, or time in long-term relationships? Maybe you feel behind in some way, and hesitant or fearful about telling a woman about your level of experience.As Jason says, "For men in particular, it means something about you if you haven't had sex."If it took you a while to start dating, have sex, or get into a relationship (or if, perhaps, you're not there yet as of today), you're not alone!Here we talk through Jason's experience around pursuing ("The hope was a girl would tell me they liked me, and THEN I would feel comfortable to make the move."); dating without a lot of sexual experience (“I was terrified of what a partner would think.”); and journey around overcoming these patterns ("When you have the right system, growth can happen pretty fast!”)Listen on to feel more relaxed and empowered about your dating and relationship experience -- wherever you're starting from.---Memorable quotes from this episode:"All my somatic, unprocessed wounding would come forward.""There's this deep sense of being behind.""If you don't like me, I get hooked on you in a sense.""In my family, we were robots in the same house.""He had people on his team to cross this divide.""I kinda ended up with a partner that I don't really like.""Every man carries a few arrows in his heart.""Who even wants me? What is my value to society?""It was hard to throw myself into a career when I didn't know myself.""Opportunity comes from connection."---Mentioned on this episode:DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (on childhood neglect)Book: Of Boys & men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It

Want to be even sexier to women than you are now? ;) Learn to strike while the iron is hot!Seriously though -- striking while the iron is hot makes you a man who can generate polarity, build trust, and have women want to surrender to you. Knowing how and when to take action is very sexy ... and passivity, not so much. And all of these principles apply whether you're in a dating relationship or you've been married for decades.Here we go through examples of men who've done this well in dating, relationships, and yes, definitely in sex! And we talk about times that we as women have felt confused, rejected, or both -- as well as times we felt lit up, radiant, desired, and HOT for the men in our lives!---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“Sure, I'm not happy, but at least I know my non-happiness.”“Relationships are a skill.”“I always felt his desire for me and I always knew where I stood and how he felt”"Panty Droppers: 'I'm on it,' 'I've got it,' 'I'll take care of it now.'"“My inner turmoil is more important than your needs.”“I was saying, ‘I need more sex or this relationship won't be successful.'”“He wasn't willing to do the hard work — the work to really look at his trauma.""It's deeply masculine to seek the right counsel.”---Mentioned on this episode:DM episode 332: Have you ever gone into freeze? Here's what's actually going on

Have you ever just felt STUCK? Stuck in your dating life, stuck in your marriage, stuck in your sex life (or stuck in your sex life within your marriage)? As one man on our panel put it, "I felt stuck for most of the 20 years of my marriage."Maybe you've felt trapped -- like you just couldn't work your way out of wherever you were.Here, four men get real about their journey going from totally stuck to in flow.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Women are starving for men who are doing the work.""I felt broken; I felt unworthy; I felt unacceptable; I felt unwanted.""Sex felt unrealistic and out of reach, and it also felt off-limits.""I lived in the regret of the past and the fear of the future (and I was never present).""I felt like I wasn't desired — I wasn't wanted.""I got to the point where I just felt like I'd plateaued in therapy; it felt like we weren't getting anywhere.""'Am I acting OK? Am I making them feel OK?'""I had to WANT to get un-stuck.""I had to decide: Do you want to stay here? Or do you want to do something different?""I didn't allow myself any space of, 'What do I want?'""I had a huge block with paying money for personal growth; I'd pay money for my hobbies, etc., but not that.""It's unrealistic that I would know everything; having that humility and curiosity to reach out was critical.""I did the fuckin' work, and I was ready to do it, and I threw down.""The problem wasn't that I was unattractive; the problem was that I wasn't embodied (and didn't have my head up!).""This is happening to me for a reason. It's happening because I can handle it, so let's embrace it.""My confidence and my ability to do life differently grew in all kinds of magical, nourishing, evolved ways.""Now I feel unchained — I feel liberated from the slavery of stuckness.""Trusting the intelligence of my body, and then moving forward from that is transformational in every aspect of life.""This is not where my story ends.""Some of your best friends are yet to be made."---Mentioned on this episode:Episode 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming religious programming

When I ask my male friends, "Do you trust men?" most of them say, pretty unequivocally, "No."Why does this matter?A lot of our clients come to us because they want to improve their dynamics with women. Whether they're single and dating or partnered and seeking more sex, intimacy, closeness, or harmony with their woman, there's a lot of focus on women.So what does a man's relationship to men have to do with it? Why does it matter to know whether you trust men, if you're working on healthy relationships and sex with women?For one, as Jason puts it: "As a man, if you have never experienced healthy masculine energy on the outside, it is almost certain you will have a hard time trusting it inside yourself, too."And if you don't trust your own inner masculine, it will be very challenging for you to generate sexual polarity, set boundaries, or go after the things you want (including women and intimacy).The thing is, most men don't trust men because a lot of men aren't trust-able! Millions of boys and young men are bullied, for example. Whether by a parent, sibling, or classmate, a large percentage of men experience bullying as children, teenagers, or adults.As the medical director for the LA Department of Children and Family Services puts it, "A bully gains power in a relationship by reducing another's, and shows little regard for the consequences to a victim's health or well-being."Fortunately you can reclaim your relationship to the healthy masculine, and this will directly impact you having a healthy relationship with yourself as well as women in your life.Whether you're single looking for dating advice, married looking for relationship advice, or somewhere in between, this is a vital -- and often under-explored -- topic.---Quotes from this episode:"Many men have been the recipient of masculine dysregulation.""One of the big crises for men is lack of role models.""The patriarchy is extremely damaging to men.""It's a step a lot of guys want to skip.""The sense is on-guard vigilance.""All I have to do is be here.""Men can become my allies.""Masculinity is a transmission, and without witnessing the healthy, deep versions of it is essential.""The power of groups is healing peer relationships."---Mentioned on this episode:DM 114: Bullying, resilience, and relationships

Want to generate sexual heat, and also inspire safety and a sense of belonging in your partner? Learn how to claim her!We've talked about claiming before on the podcast, especially with respect to building polarity. When a man is on the more passive side, it can feel lackluster and also confusing. As one woman put it, "Do you even want me?" This throws off polarity.When he knows how to take inspired action and lead by claiming us, we want to see him more! We feel the polarity. And because of that we feel more relaxed, uplifted, and yes, you guessed it: turned on!Here we delve more into what it means to us to feel claimed in sex, dating, and relationships -- and why we adore it.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from the episode:"Claiming is NOT controlling.""I felt like ‘no' was not an acceptable answer." "You get the Friday 4pm text: ‘What are you up to tonight?'"“He came towards me with a smile.”“That was really great. I would love to take you to dinner sometime next week. When are you free?”“I want you next to me. I don't want to sleep alone tonight.”“This is in service of our relationship and our love and our connection.”“You don't have to carry the burden for every asshole.”“The experiences you want to have with women are just a claim away!”

When Wayne Forrest was 25 years old, he was a strong, rugby-playing farmer who was married with two twin babies.Then he had an accident on the rugby field and broke his neck. A doctor said he would never walk again. His wife wouldn't touch him anymore. And he thought, "How the hell am I going to survive this?"What follows is his story, which touches on everything from love, sex, and dating, to dependence, interdependence, and the power of the human spirit. As Wayne puts it, the Inner Warrior is the most important element of our lives, yet we rarely have a strong relationship with it.What does it mean to be a modern warrior? How to we re-envision manhood, masculinity, and power? I believe the answers lie in discussions like these.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“I put myself in danger to prove that I was enough (or good enough).”“Having to rely on everybody … was quite an extreme moment.”“We've got a deeper intelligence that's connected to everything.”“It's funny how you make a decision and the universe puts the right people in front of you.”“She started throwing mud at me in the yard and I thought, ‘Ahhh, I've got her!'”“Be curious and question every belief you have.”"It takes a load off!"---Mentioned on this episode:Wayne's site, and to book a call: https://www.wayneforrest.com/your-inner-warrior-strategy-call

What does it mean to be a good husband?Many men we work with were trained to take care of everyone else before themselves. They often feel burnt out, and like they don't get nearly as much back as they give.If you've ever felt like you've tried everything you can to make your woman happy, but this only results in both of you being miserable ... you might be able to relate.Or perhaps you've lived some version of, "No matter how hard I try to please her -- how much I do -- it's never enough."Here, we talk about why this is. If he's bending over backwards to do what he thinks she wants, why doesn't it work?The answer lies in part with polarity, in part with childhood trauma (because of course), and in part with the fallacies of being a lone wolf.Related questions we cover:What does it mean to be a provider in modern times? (Hint: It's got nothing to do with money)How does this pattern impact sexual polarity?If it's not about sacrifice, then what does it actually mean to be a good husband?---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“If we're used to taking care of everyone else, we'll often attract someone who needs to be taken care of.”“The trouble with ‘please and appease' is that it leads to deep resentments.”“We have this fantasy that if she were happy, she'd naturally give me what I need, whether sexual connection, support, time, etc.”“When we feel a partner not respecting themselves, it causes contempt or disdain.”“What it means to be a provider is changing.”“The most valuable status is connection to community.”“Our relationships should be a source of wellness.”---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?Dear Men 345: The 4 male "types" who partner with Borderline women (Borderline Personality Disorder)Dear Men 292: Sex life with your wife not where you want it to be? This could be the culprit

If you've ever been with an emotionally volatile partner or perhaps suspected that you yourself might be emotionally volatile, you hopefully already know about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). (And if you haven't, we have lots of episodes on the subject!)Here, we talk to a therapist whose clientele is largely comprised of those contending with BPD. What's it like to be a therapist who works with clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)? What are some of the big challenges and greatest rewards?"Can BPD be treated?" "Is it possible to recover from BPD?" "How does therapy work when it comes to BPD?" are a few common questions -- all of which we address.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Then I will see the ‘flip' take place.""There can be this, ‘How dare you?' response — or, ‘Are you saying I'm bad?'""Ideally I'm asking people to talk about it instead of acting it out.""The treatment takes place in the relational field between us (client and practitioner).""I'm inviting people to communicate instead of act out their hurt or distress.""The core feature is the fear of abandonment … being left or rejected.""There can be chronic feelings of emptiness that people describe (which can be related to a lack of sense of self).""Partners will often talk about the intense anger outbursts.""The hallmark defense mechanism is splitting, which is seeing people or situations as all good or all bad.""No one is there for me and no one will ever be there for me. Everyone lets me down. I desperately want to be taken care of, but I can't trust anyone to take care of me.""Over and over again, there is going to be rupture and repair, which is the experience that this person did not have early on."---Mentioned on this episode:Setareh Vatan's Psychology Today profileRBeyond Borderline: True Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Paperback – edited by Gunderson & HoffmanGet Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder – by Rachel Reiland

Ever wanted to be a fly on the wall while women talked about their dating stories? Ever wondered what the men who have women feel both safe and turned on have in common?Here, four of us women discuss a specific skill that men have shown that has us feel taken care of and turned on. It boosts polarity like crazy, and it's relevant whether or not you're dating casually or you're in a committed, long-term relationship.What's extra intriguing is that while this is a relatively easy skill to master, it's not one that a lot of men know about. (We can guarantee that because it's pretty rare in the dating world!)If you want to be able to lead women in such a way that has them feel special, lit up, and excited to see you ... listen on.Bonus? When a woman feels safe and turned on, she's far more likely to fall in love.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've got it.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Does a part of you ever feel like just giving up? It's too much, it's too heavy, it's too complicated, it's too hard. Or has it ever felt like, "What's the point?"The truth is, we all have points in our lives when we feel overwhelmed. This can also show up in the, "Here I am again… I'm in the SAME SPOT. I always circle back to this.'"If you're single, perhaps it's: "Nothing's working in dating." If you're partnered, it could be: "I'm trying and trying, but nothing's working to get us reconnected."Or as Jason says, "In my relationship, it would be anytime that I would get activated into feeling like I'm not enough."Here we go into what's happening on a physiological level when this part is showing up for you -- the two poles. These are dorsal shutdown — disassociation/sleepy/collapsed/yawning; and sympathetic overdrive — hyper/activated/manic/wired/anger.We talk about how to recognize these states, and what to do it when you do. Hint: "Connection and movement are two of the most important things. And sometimes to shift our mindset, we have to shift our body first."---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Our whole system just shuts down, and we're frozen or disassociated."“What's the point of trying? What's the point of getting angry? What's the point of connecting with someone online? It's not going to change.”"It's a deep place of suffering when we don't feel like we have agency over our own life.""Rumination — our mind is racing but our body isn't moving.""The optimal place is in the middle: We're engaged, and we're relaxed.""One of the ways we get back to that relaxed state is through social connection.""One breath, one step."“If we can be with it, we can be free from it.”---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men 196: Were you a child of emotional neglect?

Ever feel like you need to be tough in order to be seen as "masculine" enough? Ever feel like you wish you could just let your guard down and be taken care of? The truth is, it is a deep human need to be nurtured in relationship. It's neither masculine nor feminine, and we need to expand our awareness of and perception of love, relationship, and what it means to be taken care of, whether we're dating or in a committed long-term relationship.Men need to feel safe, desired, and received just as much as women do. The shape that takes might differ, but the underlying need remains the same.Here we delve into the wonderful world of feeling nurtured. I share personal stories from men in our community of moments when they've felt deeply nurtured by their women partners, as well as what nurturing means to them.In love and even in sex, some of the most memorable moments are not those in which we feel red-hot desire, but when we feel the sweetness of connection.This is part two of a two-part series on nurturing. For those who want to listen to both, the first is episode 343.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good. If you're looking for high-quality relationship advice, we've go tit.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"I feel nurtured when I am told I am fully seen, trusted, and loved for all that I am as I am.""The bravery to feel worthy.""We relate to men through roughness, and women through sex.""You can't meet me where I'm at if you don't see me.""The patriarchy says: 'I've got to do it by myself and without complaining and tough it out no matter what.'""We have to take the mask off for somebody."

"Porn was the #1 relationship I had in terms of intimacy."So says Jason on his experience of sex, love, and closeness in his 20s. (Fortunately, after engaging in personal growth, including men's work, he's now married to a radiant goddess!)If you've ever struggled with your relationship to porn -- and if that has also impacted your relationship to sex and sexuality, you're far from alone. Countless clients of ours start out with a challenging dynamic with porn, and here's the truth: Porn use isn't really about porn. Weed use isn't really about weed, either.When it comes to using weed, porn & masturbation, and other substances like alcohol, as Luke puts it, "It's almost always covering up deeper material that men do not know how to handle."The good news? There are lots of ways to handle that material, safe spaces within which to process it, and a TON of energy, vitality, and joy on the other side. Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“When I watch porn, I have the freedom to experience pleasure and the freedom to not experience rejection.”“Gimme the weed again because I don't want to feel the Shame Guy!”“We all do things to avoid feeling the thing that we don't want to feel.”“Emotion starts as sensation in the body.”“Most of what ails you can be significantly soothed by connection.”

Most of us, on our growth journeys, become aware that we need to heal from some kind of trauma. We also often discover that we need more than talk therapy.Altered states have been used since time immemorial to help us on our healing paths, and can be particularly helpful in trauma healing. And while plant medicine (ayahuasca, psilocybin (magic mushrooms), MDMA, psychedelics like wachuma/peyote) can be a strong ally, it also has certain drawbacks and limitations.Fortunately there's another way to get into altered states that requires no substances: Breathwork.Here we outline the differences between plant medicine and breathwork. We also discuss how breathwork can help folks heal from attachment wounding (anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, or disorganized attachment, which is a mix of both).And we talk about the bodymind's inherent knowledge of how to heal. Breathwork can help us unlock our own deeper wisdom.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"The next stage of evolution is self-inquiry.""Consciousness expands in such a way that says, ‘I need help.'""I have this deep desire to expand.""Beneath that knot of unworthiness is ultimate consciousness.""The core intention is to open the heart, and to heal."---Mentioned on this episode:Book: Conscious Breathing: How Shamanic Breathwork Can Transform Your Life by Joy MannéBreathwork Breakthrough (advanced course led by me and Luke, starting mid-March. Email dearmenpodcast@gmail.com for more info)

A common pattern in a lot of love relationships sounds like one partner (often a man, in a man/woman dynamic) saying things like:"I wish you weren't so busy with the kids.""You never dress up for me anymore.""I wish you'd flirt with me more.""You hide yourself from me; I never really see your body anymore.""I wish we had more sex."---What's driving this, and how does a couple navigate it skillfully? A lot of men yearn for more sexual connection with their partner -- but it's not just about the sex. And the way a lot of men go about talking about this with their woman partner ends up being triggering for the woman.Here we discuss what we've witnessed in terms of men's deep desire for not just sex, but their partner's enthusiastic participation. And we dive right into what's even underneath that: The ache to feel her feminine essence.This is about more than just incorporating sex toys or trying out a new position. This is about the depth and power and range of the open feminine. Get ready for a hell of a ride!Memorable quotes from this episode“I wasn't open and didn't know how to open.”“To the men, it's like a vitamin.”“It's the sense of aliveness as it changes moment to moment.”“A lot of times what women are hearing is, ‘I'm not enough.'”“I want to feel lust for life! I want to feel playful and lighthearted and irreverent.”“The essence of the feminine is desire and emotion.”“When women are in their full range, the relationship accelerates.”“I want you to enjoy it; I want you feel your pleasure and your desire, and I know that's in you.”---Mentioned on this episode:Please Her In Bed: A Course for Men, Designed by Women (www.pleaseherinbed.com)ROSE Code by Violet Lange: www.violetlange.com/rosecode

Have you ever felt unworthy, less than, or "deeply ugly and stupid," as my guest this week put it?The fact is, we need all the support we can get. We need it from our fellow humans, and we need it from something greater.The word "God" can be very triggering -- for those who experienced religious trauma growing up (which, let's face it, is literally billions of people), it can be a dirty word.Yet the concept of Life -- aka Divine Intelligence, the Field, Spirit, etc. -- can be extraordinarily transformative when it comes to our everyday lives, and how we experience love itself.What is your relationship to Life, nature, the interconnected web? Do you feel held by something greater? How does this relate to your experience with sex, dating, and relationships? And what's really behind our patterns and how to we grow beyond them?---Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"I thought I was deeply ugly, and stupid.""In the opening, something is allowed to arise through.""Something more important than my pain took centerstage.""You don't have to ‘do' the miracle; you just have to be open to the miracle.""Let nature move in between the relationship.""Make way for the mystery."---Mentioned on this episode:Book: Outrageous Openness by Tosha SilverDear Men 305: GuyTalk: Overcoming Religious Trauma

Is it painful for you when you feel that your woman is closed? Do you long for more ways to help her open up fully? (Not just sexually, but that is included!)Most dating and relationship advice doesn't include the concept of polarity and the three stages of relationship, but it can be nothing less than magical when worked with properly.According to polarity work (originated primarily by David Deida), there are two primary forces in dating, relationships and sex: alpha energy (what we sometimes refer to as masculine) and omega energy (aka feminine energy).The vast majority of omega partners have a deep longing to surrender to a trustable partner. They want to be able to be fully expressed and be met.Yet in many cases, they feel like they're too much. Their emotions are too much; they're too fiery; they feel like they'll never be able to fully express themselves with a partner.The lesser-known part of polarity work involves the three stages. As we grow in relationships, we have the capacity to graduate from stage 1 (rigid roles, often dictated by society), to stage 2 (we rely on talking to resolve tension), to stage three — which brings us to this episode. In polarized stage three relationships we bring in creativity, embodiment, and edgy play. We use breath, sound, and movement to move through tension or discomfort between us. Stage three is exciting, risky, and powerful. And as Jason puts it, "it tends to *wake us up* as men."If you want to lead your woman into depths of safety, red-hot sex, and surrender in ways neither of you has perhaps ever experienced ways — if you want to help her feel even more of her heart, her spirit, and her sex, listen on.Note: Credit to David Deida's work on the stages of relationship and polarity. Work with usReady to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Through your direction, you can invite expression.""In stage two we just want it to end. In stage three it's like, 'Bring it all. Let's ride this wave.'""You don't have to do nearly as much as you think.""Tell me that again, but like a hippo."

Ever been with a woman partner who was emotionally volatile? Ever felt like you were walking on eggshells, or that no matter what you did it wasn't enough and she was always disappointed in you?If so, she may have had Borderline Personality Disorder ... or at least traits of it.More people are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) than schizophrenia and bipolar combined, yet few are familiar with it. Some mental health professionals estimate that a whopping 10% of the population contends with BPD, which psychologists are working to get renamed Emotional Regulation Disorder.Here, we break down the 4 archetypes of Borderline women, and their male counterparts. Much of this is gleaned from Christine Lawson's book Understanding the Borderline Mother.We also go over the ways each of the male archetypes can heal from the intense and unstable, exhausting, and often depleting relationship dynamics involved.Remember: growth and healing are always possible, and nothing is set in stone. Personal growth works, so work it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality DisorderDear Men episode 313: GuyTalk: Life after being with a BPD partner (Borderline Personality Disorder)Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (book)Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship (book)Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents (book)Subreddit for BPD Loved Ones ---Want to support wildfire survivors in the LA area?Go here. They list the families in the most dire need at the top. The long URL is:https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1pK5omSsD4KGhjEHCVgcVw-rd4FZP9haoijEx1mSAm5c/htmlview---Memorable quotes from this episode:"'Children are the first to recognize and the last to admit that something is wrong with their mother.'" (from Understanding the Borderline Mother)"My wife is the fortress and I'm here to protect that.""There's a theme of icing people out.""I'm willing to leave the relationship if you/we don't get help.""You CAN change your patterns of attraction."

Are you gettin' out onto the dating scene in 2025? Whether you're newly single, a refugee from the world of pickup, recently divorced, or you've been dating for a while now, there are a few myths we see as obsolete that we wanted to bust.Sex, dating, and relationships can be confusing territory, and there are a lot of dos and don'ts when it comes to dating in the modern world. This is especially true in a post-#MeToo culture, where a lot of men have deep-seated concerns around coming off as creepy.If you've ever wondered whether it's "right" to text her right away (will you come off as thirsty if you text too soon?), whether you need to hide your nervousness (hint: you don't), or how to ask her out respectfully, listen on.If you're looking for pickup artist nonsense, you won't get it here. But if you're seeking attuned, loving dating advice for men from people who deeply care about men, women, and all human beings -- and staying openhearted -- then you're in the right spot.---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men 138: GirlTalk: When to text her vs. call her!Dear Men 274: How do you make sure you're not coming across as creepy?Dear Men 296: What does it actually mean to step into your power?Dear Men 332: Ever gone into freeze? Here's what's actually going on---Memorable quotes from this episode:"I don't want to ever make anyone else feel uncomfortable, so I want them to initiate and drive.""There's a belief that I need to hide my attraction or first establish a friendly relationship.""It's another type of pressure men carry about a certain way they have to be in order to be seen as worthy.""Seven years into your marriage you're still going to have to share something that's scary."

There's a certain quality in men that a lot of women long for -- and I mean long for it from the depths of their beings -- but often don't talk about.Why don't they? Because a lot of women (myself included) hold a certain amount of shame around wanting it in the first place.And what is the quality? It's an aspect of healthy masculinity that we don't often discuss, but we're putting front and center here.I've also noticed that in every chick lit novel I've ever read (a version of romance), men exhibit this quality, and the women melt for it. When I myself read the books and these parts come up, my whole body relaxes.This is a quality that builds immense emotional safety in a relationship, whether you're still in the dating phase or you're married. If you want to be her hero and have her feel truly safe with you, listen on!---Memorable quotes from this episode:"The women I was first attracted to were those I perceived as needing help, support, a savior.""The excess of the caregiver archetype is the martyr.""It's about making the other person's life just a little bit easier.""We don't ask for it because we feel like we're too much.""True nurturing is laying the groundwork around you — letting you grow in the fullness of yourself."---Mentioned on this episode:One of our favorite songs: Banks by NEEDTOBREATHEScott's organization, The Inspiring Men ProjectDear Men episode 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder

Ever felt intimidated when your woman was upset (about something that involved you)? Ever gotten defensive, stonewalled, or made her wrong -- "that's not what I meant, so you shouldn't feel that way"?You're not alone!And there's a high cost; this can be exhausting for you. Whether you're just dating or married, if you're at the mercy of her feelings, you likely feel out of control. You're only OK if she's OK. And you're not OK if she's not OK.The truth is, holding space for a woman's upset or hurt is one of the most profound ways you can love her. It also builds safety in a relationship in a way nothing else can.Learn to do this skillfully, and you will experience true freedom in relationship. Bonus? You knowing how to hold her full range of expression will als leads to very hot sex. ;) When she feels deeply accepted and held, even in her "big" feelings, she will often open to you like a gorgeous, radiant flower.

When it comes to love relationships, whether you're dating or in a committed, long-term relationship, there's one place where you need to be skillful or it will all just fall apart.It might not happen right away; you might get through the honeymoon period or even get married and it might be fine. But little by little, if this skill isn't developed and you as a couple can't "get there," you're very likely to end up in a sexless relationship, or a volatile one that you feel like you can't get out of.Here we get vulnerable about what we've seen not work in this area, and what we've seen be uplifting and helpful.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

We've worked with a lot of men who consider themselves Nice Guys (a la Dr. Glover's famous book, No More Mr. Nice Guy).And we've witnessed certain patterns in terms of what leads to breakthroughs.Memorable quotes from this episode:“I want to be with you”“Now I don't have to hold that, ‘What if?'”“She liIkes me for emotional support, but she's not attracted to me.”“He really just owned it.”“This frozen place starts to thaw out and they just start moving more.”“The safety that comes from community.”“You don't have to get stuck in the purgatory that a lot of Nice Guys are in.”

Almost every single woman in a relationship (dating or married) needs reassurance sometimes. Unfortunately, many men don't know how to provide it in a way that really lands for her, which often causes unnecessary strife and disconnection.In one man's words, "I used to be the classic male 'fixer' and thought I would be the one to save the day by giving out suggestions of how she could overcome her anxiety. Surely one of those would work. The more suggestions or solutions to her issues I could come up, the better job I thought I was doing. After several years of this seemingly not working to soothe her anxiety, and sometimes making it worse, I have learned she is not looking for this."So what is she looking for? Here, we share our personal experiences around anxiety and effective soothing. We break it down into two categories of anxiety: when we're upset or challenged by something in life (work, family, friendships, etc.), and when we're upset about something in the relationship itself.If you've ever had a partner who fears she's too much, who looks to you for reassurance, or to whom you've wanted to provide deep, reliable, calming care and safety, you'll appreciate this one. Bonus? When you learn to soothe her well, you become even sexier to her.---Quotes from this episode:"'Are you looking for solutions or comfort?'""Sometimes not saying anything at all but just being able to listen is all she needs to be soothed.""I also assure her that I'm here for all of it, especially when she seems nervous that her emotions are 'too much.'""Validate my reasoning; even if it's not rational to you, it's logical to ME.""Our relationship has soared to new heights after learning how to properly soothe my woman."

According to my sex research, women's number one sex problem is physical pain.The truth is, it's painful when sex hurts -- for both people. Not just for the person experiencing it, but for their partner.How do you handle it if she has pain during sex, whether you're just starting out in dating or you're in a committed relationship? And how do you handle your own emotional pain or guilt around still having sexual needs?If you've ever been with a woman who was sleeping with you because she felt she "should," you know the pain of which I speak. Perhaps you were married and you sensed that she saw it as her wifely duty to keep you sexually satisfied. But that's not what you wanted -- you wanted her to be an enthusiastic participant in sex, not a passive recipient who was only doing it to please you.Here, Z describes the ways she was actually quite sexually closed as a newlywed, despite having sex with her partner. She talks about the shifts she and her husband went through once they got married ... and how (lack of) sex played a big role in why they got divorced.There are also deeper layers underlying this issue, and we delve into them. And spoiler alert -- the good news is that this story has a happy ending. Healing is always possible, and Z has experienced it. Sex is now pleasurable for her, and she's far more sexually open than before.Remember: Personal growth works, so work it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Ever felt like there was a "right" answer to a question a woman asked you, or a "right" way to respond to a situation with her? Did it feel like if you did the "wrong" thing, there would be consequences? Then you've likely been tested!Testing (also known as "feminine testing" -- or sometimes a term I personally dislike -- "shit testing" -- can be a confusing and frustrating experience to be on the receiving end of. Testing can happen in the early phases of dating, as well as once you're in a long-term committed relationship.As is true with many things in sex, dating, and relationships, there are nuances here that make this complex. Many women aren't even consciously aware of their tests. For others, testing is about seeking some kind of control; or a trauma background means they're very invested in ensuring that they know the truth, and testing is how they believe they're sure to get it.Here we share our own personal experiences of testing -- how we define it, why we did/do it, what it sounded like, and the vulnerabilities underneath. We also discuss how the ways a man responds to tests can potentially lead to more connection, respect, and, ultimately, love.As one member of GirlTalk put it, "At the core level it's, 'Do you love me?'"---Memorable quotes from this episode:"For me, knowing the truth has me feel safe.""How hard is he trying to see me and get to know me better?""It's OK that you're angry with me right now.""Will you fight for me to stay?""Are you going to create space for me to talk about my feelings?" "I really want to hear what you have to share. It's important to me."

Ever feel like you're being deliberately provoked by your woman? Or that she sometimes pushes and pushes until she gets a rise out of you -- often about what seem like tiny things? This pattern can be confusing until you understand the deeper reasons for it. And it's quite a common in dating and relationships, though we don't often discuss it explicitly. Related to polarity, the way Jason puts it is that "the poke is a call for presence and deeper feeling." It's not always the most mature or conscious way of relating. And the truth is, we as human beings don't always act in the most mature fashion. But if we can grasp the underlying vulnerabilities that drive us, then we often hit on wells of compassion that help us deepen and relax into love in ways we couldn't before.Remember: Personal growth works. It's not a straight line, but it's always worth it.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"I need to pause you right there.""It's meant to evoke, 'Where are you?' And ‘I'm having a hard time trusting your right now.'""This ties into a common masculine feeling of, 'I'm not enough.'""Sometimes there's a sense of, 'Oh, yeah, caught red-handed. I actually wasn't here.'""Acting out is another kind of poke."

Ever gotten the sense that a woman is sizing you up ... deciding whether you match up with a list she has in her head around her ideal partner?You might be right. Whether you're online dating, speed dating, or meeting someone in real life, a lot of women do have a list, and it can be confusing or even frustrating when you interface with it.Here, we discuss the nuances of "the list" -- the why behind it, how to engage with it, and the tension between the need to be open/flexible, and the need to stick with personal boundaries.If you have your own list, you'll likely also relate to this. And you may also relate to the feeling of wanting things to be neat and tidy — to be fully prepared for relationship and have your partner match up with all your expectations.To which I'd share Violet's words: “Would I rather be alone for the next decade, or would I rather have the experience of loving and being loved, and have it be messy?"---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“He has a nice resume; I thought he'd be a good guy.”“My desires and yearnings are holy and I want them to be fulfilled.”“When we cut off our heart in dating, we're missing a rich human experience.”“You never know what's going to delight and surprise you.”“If you want emotional safety, you have to be vulnerable.”

”There was a dysregulation in my nervous system if something wasn't going the way I wanted to."So says Jason about what life was like when he was more needy.Are you needy? Is your partner? How do you navigate difference?Here, we explore the themes around sex, dating, relationships, needs, desires, and the nervous system.—Memorable quotes from this episode:“I need something outside of me to shift in order to be OK.”“Now it's about advocating clearly for what I need.”“How do we navigate difference?”“There's a place in relationships for healthy generosity.”“What would I need to be a ‘yes' to this?”“It this doesn't shift, I'm going to take a certain action for myself.”“Neediness stems from these old wounds, so it can be hard to bring this forward with a partner.”“It can feel like, ‘If it's not here, I'm doomed.'”

Do you ever feel ashamed of your porn use, or wish you could stop or cut down? Ever had trouble getting it up and wondered if that's connected to porn use? Ever compared dating partners to women you see in porn, and wondered if that was negatively impacting your sex or love life?Over 10% of men are addicted to porn, according to a 2019 study in the Journal of Behavioral Addictions. (As of 2024, I suspect that number is even higher.) Porn has also been linked to to erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation in some cases.Here, we talk about why porn addiction has become so prevalent, and help to answer the questions: How do you know if you're addicted to porn, and how do you quit (if you want to)?Jason also delves into his own personal experience with porn addiction, how he overcame it, and what life and sexuality is like now (including with his partner).---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you've ever felt anxious around a woman you were attracted to, gone rigid when you tried to flirt, or completely shut down during a fight with your partner, you know what it is to go into freeze.When we're overwhelmed, we can lock up. This is inconvenient if what you really want to do in that moment is to move, get someone's number, or speak up for yourself during a moment of tension with your spouse or in a meeting at work.Where does this behavior come from? Why did it develop? What do we do about it that actually works?Here, somatic practitioner and expert Stacy Matulis breaks down what's actually going on in your nervous system when you freeze, and what to do about it. (Hint: No one is an island, and we need others. We are interdependent.)We also cover the difference between freeze and disassociation, depression and suicidality, and why it can feel like even after years of doing the work, you're still stuck in some ways.Going into a freeze state will absolutely impact your sex, dating and relationship life. Fortunately, there's a way through.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:DM 196: The “invisible” relationship pattern that can affect everything (childhood neglect)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“I felt neutered as a human.”“When we grew up without safe others, we can learn that there are no safe others.”“What would bring me into a life that I wanted to live?”“Attunement is just as much an essential need as food and shelter is.”“Your feelings and needs are all right with me.”“A traumatized brain is programmed to look for the problem, and stay focused on the difficult energy.”“Who I am makes love go away.”

Ever wondered what different women say when they get really real about their last relationship? How about why they do growth work — and what it looks like for them?Here, I take you behind the curtain to give you a peek at exactly that. This is an amalgam episode with responses from over over ten women who answered three questions:What's the biggest thing you learned in your last relationship?What's a memorable time a man showed up for you or honored you in some way?Why do you do growth work and what does that look like for you?---When it comes to love, sex, relationships, and personal growth work, one thing is always true: more compassion is always better. So here's to increased understanding, empathy, and joy — and of course, more healing. ---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

If you love having sex with women and want to be known as a great lover, being good at going down is an important part of your repertoire. ;)But it's not easy to talk about this with anyone, so here we're laying it bare. Four of us ladies share openly about what really works for us in oral sex -- what we desire, long for, and what holds us back in terms of receiving deep pleasure.Whether you're married and wanting to know how to excel at cunnilingus on your wife, or you're dating and want to how to go down on a woman such that she craves seeing you again, it's all here.—Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

When your partner gets anxious or upset, do you feel like it's your fault or that you have to fix it immediately? How able are you to stay grounded and feel your own self, even amidst her storm/upset?Ever found yourself doing anything to calm her down -- because your sense of being OK was contingent upon her feeling OK? (We find this common in the men with whom we work.Here, we talk about how to stay grounded even when she's going through it. We outline how to know what's actually going on for you in those moments, how to "interrupt" the sense of compulsion around fixing it, and what a deep offering it is to maintain your own, separate nervous system instead of merging with hers.As Jason says, now that he has become more skilled in this area, “I can be connected to her without being swallowed up by what's going on for her.”Whether it's in sex, dating, or a committed relationship, you will be more stable, reliable, and frankly sexy partner when you learn to master this.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“When she would get dysregulated, I would get dysregulated."“Avoiding conflict often tends to create more conflict.” “If my partner isn't feeling well, it feels like it's my fault.” “Oh wow, her nervous system is not my nervous system.” “I'm here with it, whatever it is — and I'm being impacted.”“It's OK to be messy and imperfect.”

"For so long I felt like, ‘this is only happening in my marriage.'"If you've ever experienced something dark, difficult, or deeply challenging in your love relationship, *and didn't feel like you could talk about it with others,* you'll relate to this episode.Few topics bring up wounds as deep as betrayal. Whether you've experienced a partner cheating (physically or emotionally), abuse of some kind, or some other kind of damaging withholding or acting out in a relationship, you're familiar with the deep feeling of aloneness that often comes with that experience.Or as my guest this week put it, it can feel like "we're fighting this war in our own little intimate relationship."How do you rebuild trust when you've betrayed an intimate partner? If you're the betrayed, how do you overcome the PTSD that you've developed in response to this? Here, we delve into all of that and more -- and celebrate what's possible on the other side. The depth of healing and restoration that my guest and her husband have attained is truly remarkable.The fact is, isolation is when all the bad stuff happens. When we're isolated, we're often judging ourselves (as well as our partners). We can feel hopeless, despairing, or trapped.I put out this podcast in large part to combat isolation, and bring us together. To know in our bones that we are not alone -- that our story is echoed in the stories of others, and vice versa.Healing is always possible. You are not alone.--- Mentioned on this episode:SAlifeline.org---Memorable quotes from this episode:“Addiction lives in silence and isolation.”“I didn't know if I would ever be able to forgive him fully.”“He was moving at his pace.”“All of a sudden I no longer felt batsh*t crazy.”“He loved me the very best that he could.”“I did base a lot of my OK-ness on how he felt.”“I never knew that marriage could be so fun!”

What are you most ashamed of? Is it your sexuality -- how much you want and need sex, or your deep-down cravings that you fear others would judge if they knew about? Is it your yearning for love, your desire to be held or seen or known in some fundamental way?Many of the biggest breakthroughs we've witnessed in clients have come when they've headed directly into shame, been witnessed with compassion, and come out the other side.It is almost inevitable that releasing shame builds power, which is often electrifyingly transformative. Shame around sex, relationship, love, need, weakness, neediness, and desire is normal. It's human. But it doesn't have to be paralyzing; in fact, it can be catalyzing.Here, Jason and Luke share personal stories of shame, and we outline the process of transforming shame into power.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“If we don't feel strong or powerful or directive in our lives, we will feel the tinge of shame.”“I was terrified to be asked to do something that I didn't know how to do.”“What wants to be said to your ex-wife? What's incomplete there?”“Whatever you're not feeling is where all your vitality is stuck.”“I got to feel a boyish curiosity come back!”---Mentioned on this episode:DM 305 GuyTalk: Overcoming religious trauma

Ever experienced porn addiction (and had that affect your love relationship), contended with erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation, or been worried about what your cock looks like? Then you'll feel right at home with this episode.Here, several men in our community share their unvarnished truth with their own voices. They forthrightly and vulnerably answer 3 questions:What's a major lesson you learned in your last relationship?What's a sexual challenge you've had and how have you addressed it?Why do you choose to do consciousness work?I believe you'll find the raw truth from other men on the path to be illuminating, inviting, and reassuring all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of these men, and all of you men who are out there learning, transforming, and growing.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)

Do you wish your woman was more open to sex? Not just intercourse, but the fun of the whole sex thing -- kissing, making out, foreplay, getting hot and heavy, doing the dirty.Ever longed for more from your wife/girlfriend/partner when it comes to sexuality -- and not just "from her" but with her? Ever wished she had more fun when it came to sex, that she enjoyed it more, was more expressed and into it?Many of our clients feel a yearning to connect more with their woman, but aren't even sure how to bring it up. Talking about sex is sensitive, and even more so if sexual trauma is part of the picture. And masturbation can be even harder to discuss, especially in partnership.Here, we talk all things sexual opening and awakening when it comes to the feminine. We draw from our own personal journeys as well as countless stories from other women who've learned how to connect to their own erotic essence (separate from a partner), and the myriad benefits associated with that. We cover the many health benefits of masturbation, yoni eggs, cervical wands, breast massage, G-spot de-armoring and more.To close this out, I'm gonna drop some slang terms for women getting themselves off, because they're all kinds of fab:Ménage à moiAuditioning the finger puppetsWomansplaining yourselfFanning the furChecking the undercarriageButtering your muffinDiddling Miss Daisyand my personal favorite ... Paddling the pink canoe---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Mentioned on this episode:Dear Men 153: Her sexual healing: How to support her *and* get your needs met (ft. Violet Lange)Dear Men 191: Supporting a woman in her sexual pleasure & healing (ft. Violet Lange & Keri Nola) -- the one about jade eggsJaiya's erotic blueprintsPlease Her In Bed (my streaming course for men who have sex with women)Evolutionary Couples (Violet & Jason's new course for couples)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“I'm in a relationship, I'm finally happy! Why don't I want to have sex with my partner?!”“I hear this from moms all the time: sex is not a priority for me.”“Even if your libido feels like it's dormant, you can still work with responsive desire.”“I really miss the closeness I feel with your body … I long for you.”“Let's swim in the sea of erotic energy.”

Ever been around a woman who was closed down, shut off, or emotionally unavailable? Ever felt like your partner wanted to say something but was holding back, and if you'd somehow shown up in a different way, maybe she'd have let you in?Perhaps you've felt some version of, "I can't handle that anger right now so I need to remove that anger from her." Or if your partner is upset with you, you've expressed something like, "You don't need to feel that way because here was my *intention* in doing that."Dating, sex, and relationships can feel like a huge mystery. Hell, women and feelings themselves can feel like a huge mystery! But there are certain principles that hold true, and grasping the nuances of polarity can help you navigate everything with more grace and clarity.Here, I share personal stories of feeling opened by a man (as well as times I've felt closed by one), and we outline what it takes to become the man who can open an available woman.—Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:"Instead of acknowledging what she was feeling and getting curious, it triggered my wounding around not being enough as a man, so I would try to explain to her why she was wrong.""Can I allow the person who hurt me to then be the person to hold me?""The deeper trust we form is, 'Oh, we can do this. We can move through conflict.'""This is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being."

"When I was at my worst, I didn't know there was a way out."Sometimes in life we get stuck. We don't know how to deal with big feelings, so we self-medicate -- with alcohol, or porn, or weed, or food.But often the self-medication gets in the way of things we really want -- love; intimacy; healthy, connected sex; joy.You may think of 12-step programs as solely for alcoholics, but they're far mroe comprehensive. There are programs for porn addiction, codependency in relationship, sex & love addiction, and for those who are loved ones of an addict (or adult children of parents who were addicts).*Addiction and recovery profoundly affect your sex and love life, and here, speaker and 12-step mentor Mark Wilde delves into his own story, and how his journey has positively impacted his marriage.In his words, as he grew and healed and learned to lead: "When I became more vulnerable and expressive, I had reciprocation and energy from her that I'd not experienced before ... our relationship began to ascend dramatically."If you want to feel inspired and uplifted, listen on.*These groups are: Codependents Anonymous (CODA), Porn Addicts Anonymous (PAA), Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), Al-Anon (for the loved ones of those who struggle with addiction).---Evolutionary Men RetreatReady to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 1 slot left.Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.To sign up or learn more, go here.---Memorable quotes from this episode:"My parents passed away, my marriage ended, and it got bad.""Alcohol became a solution to deep-seated issues that had carried on since childhood."“I still felt myself wearing lots of masks and building up lots of walls.”“How am I going to placate and keep the peace and make her happy?"“When I did work with my body, I felt the unlocking of everything.”---Mentioned on this episode:What Happened to You?

Has your woman ever been in her masculine, and you wished she was in her feminine? Here's something that doesn't work: "Hey, could you drop into your feminine already?" ;)So how do you polarize your woman well? Polarity is one of those mysteries in life like electricity: We don't fully grasp why it works, but we can harness its power to make our lives better.I love polarity work because it can make a concrete difference in sex, love, dating, and relationships. I've seen countless clients ditch old dating advice, learn about this, and then say, "Wow, this polarity thing really works on a date." Or, "Man, I wish I'd known about polarity sooner ... my marriage might have gone differently."The fact is, no one teaches us about dating and sexuality and HOW to connect well. Most men don't learn how to flirt with girls, how to polarize a partner, or even what polarity is. Yet it's a fundamental relationship dynamic that can help with everything.Here we lay out five practical ways to polarize a woman partner into her feminine, helping her to drop into her heart and soften. If you've ever wondered why certain evenings with your wife or girlfriend were magical, while others felt like pulling teeth, this may help.And if you're a man who has sex with women and you want to help your woman soften, receive more of your love, and relax into even deeper levels of trust, this one is for you.Quick note: We talk about this on the podcast and wanted to include it here: If you suspect your partner may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (i.e. nothing you do ever seems to make a difference with her), polarity work won't cut it.You may also want to listen to our episode on that subject: 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder.---

Have you ever been concerned about getting involved with a woman because you didn't want to hurt her feelings if it didn't work out?Ever felt like you shouldn't go deeper emotionally with a woman you were dating because you weren't sure you wanted to put a ring on it?Does it ever feel like all women want a long-term, committed relationship, so if you're not available for that, you're somehow doing something wrong?The fact is, sex, dating and relationships are complex. There are a lot of possibilities, and the best kind of relationships are the ones that feel good to both parties.Here, we explore how to date ethically, share what you're available for, and how to be aware of what's underneath your fear of upsetting a woman. We also outline the immense value of short- and medium-term relationships, and what some women really want when it comes to those.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“There are a LOT of men who have so much care and concern, it causes them to not fully engage.”“I'm here for this; let's see what's here.”“You cannot be in relationship with someone and never hurt them.”“A successful relationship doesn't always mean life partnership.”“Experience is always more valuable than theory.”

If you've become aware that you experienced developmental trauma (and/or attachment wounding), you may wonder how to heal from it.Where do you go to move through stuck parts of yourself that are holding you back? How do you get things moving and release blocks so you can finally get what you want in sex, dating, and relationships?Jason was a self-proclaimed late bloomer Nice Guy with developmental trauma — he had sex for the first time at 26, and still had a lot to learn around dating. Plus, he was often numb and felt like life was sort of happening to him. He wanted more, but didn't know how to get there.Then he went to a men's work workshop where a mentor took just twenty minutes to get him to a place he hadn't touched in 3 full years of talk therapy.It was transformational.(And now he's married to a beautiful, self-aware, radiant woman with whom he has a thriving relationship.)Here's the story of how he got there — and how you can, tooEvolutionary Men RetreatReady to do the work live? Join us in Northern California for an epic time connecting with nature, making friends, and healing your bodymind. This sold out last year and the year before. As of this episode dropping, we've got 5 slots left.Labor Day weekend (last weekend of August), 2024.To sign up or learn more, go here.

Ever felt like when it comes to your relationship, you're constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop? Or that when you come home, you don't know what (or who) you're going to get? Or that every moment is, "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?" "Are they OK?"Reality check: It is not normal to be constantly on guard or anxious in your relationship. That kind of chronic anxiety is highly dysregulating -- and yet it's the "norm" for many of the men with whom we work. Whether they're in sexless marriages, struggle with overwhelming anxiety in dating, or yearn for more closeness with their partners, they're suffering. Are you?Here we discuss the difference between an unhealthy and healthy love relationship. A healthy love relationship is one in which the relationship GIVES you evergy, rather than draining it from you. Or as we put it, “It's not a healthy relationship if it requires you to abandon yourself over and over.”And: “Our relationship should co-regulate us, not dysregulate us.”---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode:“There's a sense, if I don't keep making my partner OK, they won't make it.”“We definitely see the toxic loyalty play out with Nice Guys.”“I've got to pay attention to survive here.”“Being with you in our dynamic is actually causing me self-harm. I'm hurting myself just being in relationship with you.”“Most importantly, I feel safe with you.”“Your relationship becomes a generator!”---Other episodes related to this one:Episode 106: What does it mean to 'do the work'?Episode 196: Are you a child of neglect?

Ever wanted to explore role-play in sex? If so, you're not alone! According to research, one in three people in North America alone wants to try some kind of role-play in the bedroom, whether that's doctor/patient, professor/student, cop/detainee, pirate/wench or some other sexy dynamic. Why is sexual role-play so intriguing? Is it different from kink/BDSM? How do you bring it up in a fun and respectful way with a partner? What are your hesitations, and what might your partner's hesitations be? And what's your pleasure? What would you want to explore?Here we delve into all of it: sexual taboos, our own personal experiences with role-play, how to talk about sexual role-play with a partner, and more.---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode: "We had both had experiences of being in shut-down sexual relationships."“I don't want to be the director; I want to be the actress.""These aspects of our psyche are more than just entertainment.""Relationships can evolve.""It's a basket of possibiities!"

"It felt kind of like a trap, but at the same time felt like a soothing warm blanket to feel safe and ruminate within.""The codependent relationship is filled with drama. There is blaming, a victim and the rescuer/protector. That rescuer is filled with needing to be needed. That's where it began for me.""It was years of trying as hard as I could to make things better but never being good enough to matter how hard I tried."The word "codependence" gets thrown around a lot, but it's not always clear what it means. How do you know if you're codependent? How do you know if your partner is codependent? Can one person be codependent while the other isn't?Here we delve into our own personal experiences of codependency, as well as the experiences of some of our clients. We aim to provide clarity on codependent dynamics and how to overcome them.In Jason's words, "Too many men stay in a place of perpetual suffering." If your love relationships have never felt quite right -- if they've always felt off, or you've felt like you were just taking care of your partner (she couldn't take care of herself), or you've never felt like you could get it right with your partner (nothing was ever enough), this will be relevant for you.A lot of the men we work with are aching for MORE, and I just want to say -- that's available. You don't have to stay stuck. Growth is always possible.Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)---Memorable quotes from this episode: “We're deeply entwined with each other where there's almost no agency or independence.”“While the relationship was ‘safe', we were both suffering deeply inside.”“As long as my partner was approving of me, there was a sense of, ‘I'm OK.'”“There was a fear — if I'm not with her, I'll be alone.”

Did you have a deeply present, emotionally aware father who took the time to attune to you and teach you how to be a trustworthy, integrated man?If so, you're in the minority. ;) Most of our clients had far-less-than-ideal role models when it came to the masculine -- which makes becoming a trustable adult man challenging.For example, do you feel equipped to lead hard conversations with your woman partner, and help the two of you navigate repair? Are you able to stand up for yourself in a deep, grounded way without getting defensive or shutting down? Did you ever see any of those things role-modeled in your family of origin?The fact is, we learn how to be in the world from our caregivers. If you were raised by people who were abusive, alcoholics, neglectful, or just not emotionally attuned to you, then there are gaps in your understanding of sex, dating, and relationships. Here we talk about how to fill those in -- and how to replace bad role models with good ones.If you're someone who wants to grow beyond how he was raised -- this one is for you.Themes from this episode:The impact of having an emotionally volatile dad vs. absent/passive dadIf you don't want to be "that guy" -- the angry guy, the shut-down guy, the guy who makes women uncomfortable -- how do you act instead?How do you reclaim your manhood if you grew up with women who badmouthed men? (i.e. "Don't be like your father")The power of men's work---Work with usWant to go deeper than the podcast? Jason and I are ready to work with you! We specialize in helping men break old patterns and transform their sex & love lives for good.To see if there's a fit for our flagship program Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)