Podcast appearances and mentions of claire lerner

Today I sit down with Claire Lerner to discuss practical approaches for parents managing highly sensitive, highly reactive, or 'orchid' children. We address common struggles parents face, such as interpreting sensitive caregiving, setting boundaries, and dealing with tantrums. Using real-life case studies, the importance of creating 'positive discomfort' for growth is emphasized. Tips include setting firm limits, using 'mommy/daddy moments' for decision-making, and the concept of sensitive caregiving that balances meeting children's needs with family dynamics.Pre-order her book HEREI WROTE MY FIRST BOOK! Order your copy of The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans Here: https://bit.ly/3rMLMsLSubscribe to my free newsletter for parenting tips delivered straight to your inbox: draliza.substack.com Follow me on Instagram for more:@raisinggoodhumanspodcast Sponsors:Wayfair: Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop a huge outdoor selectionLittle Bellies: To learn more about Little Bellies and the age and stage snack offerings, go to www.littlebellies.comAcorns Early: Head to acornsearly.com / or download the Acorns Early app to help your kids grow their money skills todayWater Wipes: Visit WaterWipes.com to learn more about how Water Wipes effectively cleans with minimal ingredients that leave nothing behindiRestore: Reverse hair loss with @iRestore laser and unlock HUGE savings on the iRestore Elite with the code RGH at www.irestore.com/rghQuince: Go to Quince.com/humans for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five-day returnsPlease note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.Produced by Dear Media.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

“NO! I don't want to!” Opposition from our kids, we experience it all the time. It makes sense they don't want to do everything we want them to. However, when they refuse, it often creates a power struggle which we see as a reflection of bad parenting.  Lynn and Justin are no strangers to this struggle. In today's episode, Claire Lerner, a social psychotherapist, author and child development specialist, shares tips to handle those stressful moments of opposition from our children.  In our Parenting Story of the Day, Ginny Luther was at her wits-end with her defiant son but was able to turn things around in a surprising way.   You can also watch this podcast on YouTube.  Claire Lerner / IG / FB / LinkedIn Claire is a child development specialist with over 35 years of experience working with children and families. Trained as a clinical social worker and psychotherapist, she began her career as a child and family therapist and was asked to lead the parenting education work at Zero to Three. For over 20 years, Claire led the organization's effort to translate the science of early childhood for parents and professionals—to empower them to nurture children's development through resources and training on a wide range of topics including: early brain development, positive parenting, and understanding and coping with challenging behaviors.   Ginny Luther    Ginny is the author of “Blue Star Grit: A Mother's Journey of Triumph and Tragedy Raising a Defiant Child into an Exceptional Leader.” Since 1994, she has been the proud owner and operator of Peaceful Parenting LLC, a successful business whose mission is to help create peace within families and classrooms. Ginny is also certified by the International Network for Children and Families to provide communication courses, seminars and workshops that promote cooperative, healthy relationships between adults and children. You can find all your favorite Munchkin products – including the Float High Chair featured in this episode – at https://www.munchkin.com  Use the code STROLLERCOASTER for 15% off regular-price items!  Follow Munchkin on Instagram / Facebook / Pinterest   Trees For the Future  

Claire Lerner came back to the Complicated Kids Podcast to talk about inflexibility in kids. We talked about so much more! Parents and educators alike will want to listen for scripts to use when kids are having a hard time and when they're testing limits. Turns out: limits are loving and boundaries are scaffolds for learning resilience and flexibility! Did you know?! Have a listen.   To find out more about Claire, visit www.lernerchilddevelopment.com.

We both have experience raising children who seem to not respond to gentle parenting and the other well known techniques. It has been frustrating for the both of us at times because it makes us feel isolated and exhausted. We are so excited to revisit episode 157 with Claire Lerner as our “Greatest Hits” episode over this 4th of July week. Claire shares her expertise with us and we feel it is just as helpful now as when this episode first aired. Claire shares what to do if your child is wired differently during moments of aggression towards others. She explains that our children are not trying to be manipulative in any way, just that they need boundaries to help themselves regulate. Have you ever wondered if timeouts are truly a thing of the past? Claire explains her concept of a safe space break and how this alone time can help kids get back to a place of calm. With it being the summer season with lots of gatherings with family and friends, we know these gatherings can be major triggers for our kiddos who tend to be big reactors. Claire helps us navigate the conversations we can have with our friends and family. Links & Resources:Enroll in the HERself Self-Care CourseFollow Claire on InstagramClaire's WebsiteClaire's BookSponsor: 10% off at BETTERHELP: http://betterhelp.com/herselfLet's connect!HERSELF PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/herselfpodcastHERSELF INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/herselfpodcastMEET AMY: http://instagram.com/ameskieferMEET ABBY: http://instagram.com/abbyrosegreen

What are Emotional Support Parents? Well, they are NOT Helicopter Parents or pushovers or permissive parents. They ARE parents who are highly attuned to the needs of their highly sensitive (often anxious) children. Being an ESP is often necessary (because the child in question has a lot of emotional needs) but also exhausting for parents. Join us to talk about Emotional Support Parents and how parents can both support their complicated kids while also guarding their own parental mental health.   Claire Lerner is trained as a clinical social worker, psychotherapist, and child development specialist with over 30 years of experience working with children and families in a range of capacities. She is also the author of "Why Is My Child In Charge?" which can be found on her website www.lernerchilddevelopment.com.

If only it were as simple as singing "Kumbaya" with our kids in a calming circle and sprinkling them with kindness dust to make them sweet, polite angels. You may never receive handmade flower crowns from your toddler, but there are ways to introduce kind thoughts, feelings, and actions into your home. Molly and Blaire discuss: Why you can't "teach" kindness How kindness begins with our own self-reflection Strategies for bringing more kindness into your home Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Claire Lerner of Lerner Child Development: "When Kids Act Mean: Why some kids have trouble being kind and what you can do" From Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled: "My Child Is So Mean to Me" Sarah Aadland for Motherly: "Raising kind kids: 9 daily habits to teach kids kindness" Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Masimo Stork provides continuous & accurate tracking of your baby's health data. Go to MasimoStork.com for more info. Skylight Frames is a touchscreen photo frame you can send photos to, straight from your phone, and they appear in seconds! Get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Frame when you go SkylightFrame.com/TODDLER.   KiwiCo - Unwrap super fun science, technology, and art projects for kids with KiwiCo. Get your first month FREE on ANY crate line at kiwico.com/TODDLER. Hungryroot is the easiest way to get fresh, high-quality food delivered to your door. They've got healthy groceries and simple recipes, all in one place To get 30% off your first delivery and free veggies, go to Hungryroot.com/TODDLER. Magnetic Me was created to make dressing easier with magnetic closures. No snaps, no buttons…no fuss You can try Magnetic Me for yourself by visiting magneticme.com and using code TODDLER for 20% off your next order.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transitions are hard for little kids, and it's not hard to see why: they usually move a kid from something that they're absorbed in and enjoying to something a lot less interesting and fun. In this episode we talk about how to deal with the meltdowns, talking back, and general resistance around transitions, and how to make those moments easier, whether it's a “big picture” transition like starting school, or just time to leave the playground. We talk about Claire Lerner's excellent advice in this episode– check out What Fresh Hell's recent interview with Claire: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/claire-lerner And here are links to some of the writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:  Dyan Robson for the CBC: How To Help Kids Who Struggle With Daily Transitions Claire Lerner for PBS Kids: How to Help Your Child Successfully Transition Back to School Special thanks to our sponsors: Stellar Eats creates healthy treats with delicious flavor and perfect texture using 8 (or fewer) real food ingredients because we want you to enjoy your favorite foods and feel amazing. To get 20% off your next order, use promo code TODDLER20 at StellarEats.com. Hungryroot is the easiest way to get fresh, high-quality food delivered to your door. They've got healthy groceries and simple recipes, all in one place To get 30% off your first delivery and free veggies, go to Hungryroot.com/TODDLER. Magnetic Me was created to make dressing easier with magnetic closures. No snaps, no buttons…no fuss You can try Magnetic Me for yourself by visiting magneticme.com and using code TODDLER for 20% off your next order.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When your tot says “no way” to the potty, don't sweat it! Every kiddo has their own pace and readiness to master new skills, potty time included.  This week, Dr. Cathryn has a cool, new trick up her sleeve to make potty battles a breeze. (Science experiment credit: Claire Lerner).Join us to discover smart strategies that make parenting easier and more enjoyable, even in the tough times. Check out our two new courses – they're your roadmap to smoother parenting!Learn the proven strategies to help you deal with your toddler in a way that lets you be the best parent you can be. We've got 2 new courses to help you navigate these tricky times!Toddlers Made EasyPotty Training Made EasySign up today!Links and resources: Follow Dr. Cathryn on Instagram: @healthiest_babyCheck out our bestselling online course: Toddlers Made Easy CourseOur NEW Potty Training Made Easy course is here!Get the Dynamic Duo: Toddler Tamining + Potty Training courses and save $20Does potty training terrify you? Discover 5 Must-Do's Before Starting Potty Training. Get our free guide and empower your child. Set the path for success! Watch our FREE Tame Tantrums workshop and stay calmer with tricky toddler moments. Rate, Review, & Follow ❤️❤️❤️ If this sounds like you: "I love Toddlers Made Easy."

As parents, we quickly understand that raising children can not be done in isolation. We need the help and support of family, friends, professionals and programs that assist parents with guiding children through the increasingly complex world. Katie Parker is President/CEO of Bloomfully, LLC which includes the Singers Company (created for Elementary) and I Believe In Me! (created for Middle School). Katie has a passion for building the confidence of young girls, tweens and women. Her mission is to help them grow above the comparison, the criticism, and the self-doubt that are plaguing girls. We had the opportunity to talk to Katie Parker, Becky Fife and Allie Callister who are the owners and co-creators of the I Believe In Me program. Allie Callister is an owner, co-creator and content developer for I Believe In Me. She is passionate about helping women of all ages look and feel confident. Beck Fife is an owner and co creator of both Bloomfully and I Believe In Me. She is passionate about helping young girls develop confidence early on, so they can overcome negative influences in the world.   Our discussion today included: How we can help teens and tweens discover their gifts. Ways tweens and teens can counteract the increasing sadness and decline in mental health seen among their peers. The different ways parents can help them in the process of reducing sadness. The importance of feeling needed in the teen years. Fostering internal motivation and internal acceptance as a parent. Regulating the daily schedule. Parenting looks much different today than 30-40 years ago. Here are some differences. Each child has their own unique wiring. Parenting highly sensitive children and neurodiverse children, and how we can help our daughters through failures, disappointments and hard emotions. Suggestions to stop the negative self-talk and stop the comparison game in our tweens and teens. The importance of a safe place. Looking for the good and not setting children up to fail. The power of the mind. The four c's which are deadly to growth. Child development specialist, Claire Lerner who is also a trained clinical social worker and psychotherapist wrote an article on her website titled, “10 Traits of Highly Sensitive Children Thank you to our sponsor: --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/herhealthcollective/support

In this video I get to talk with trained therapist and child development and parent expert, Claire Lerner. Clair has been helping parents dissect their child's behavior with her expertise since the late 80's and is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to dealing with your kids. We talk about how she helps parents to better understand the issues that they may face and that are unique to each child. She helps parents by assisting them in understanding why they are acting the way that they are. Not only does it have to do with their environment, but the context of the situation. We often don't give enough credit to the little things and how they are able to make our children feel the way that they do.

WHY IS MY CHILD IN CHARGE? CLAIRE LERNER INTERVIEW | Child Development Specialist. https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/ Claire Lerner CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than eighteen years. Lerner has been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children's behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. She also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Lerner is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Lerner is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and stepmom of two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and two dogs.

This week we are trying something new. We've decided to implement the things that we learned from our interview with Claire Lerner last week. We both have children who we consider to be big reactors. So we took our insights from our conversation with Claire and put them into action in our own homes!One of Amy's biggest takeaways was that each of her children might need individualized things. Her big reactor needs to be parented differently than his brothers. Continual praise and more time are a coping mechanism that seem to help.Abby realized that when these types of kids have these big reactions they aren't trying to cause a challenge. They are just trying to react in a way that their own body needs. They're more sensitive, more empathetic, and look at the world in their own unique way. The thing that we want you to know is that we don't get it perfect every time. We are learning right alongside you. We are both, everyday, normal moms who aren't experts. We struggle through this parenting thing as well. And it does get better. Both of our big reactors are around age five now and it has taken us a little longer to learn what parenting techniques work. We are making progress and hope this episode helps you do the same.If you missed last week's episode with Claire Lerner, be sure to listen here:157. Real Parenting: What to Do When the Script Doesn't Work with Claire LernerSponsor: $20 off first purchase at ROTHY'S: http://rothys.com/herselfSponsor: 10% off at BETTERHELP: http://betterhelp.com/herselfLet's connect!HERSELF SHOP: https://herself-podcast-favorites.myshopify.comHERSELF PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/herselfpodcastHERSELF INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/herselfpodcastMEET AMY: http://instagram.com/ameskieferMEET ABBY: http://instagram.com/abbyrosegreen

We both have experience raising children who seem to not respond to gentle parenting. It has been frustrating for the both of us at times because it has made us feel isolated and exhausted. We are so excited to have Claire Lerner on today to share her expertise in this area. Claire shares what to do if your child is wired differently during moments of aggression towards others. She explains that our children are not trying to be manipulative in any way, just that they need boundaries to help themselves regulate.Have you ever wondered if timeouts are truly a thing of the past? Claire explains her concept of a safe space break and how this alone time can help kids get back to a place of calm.With it being the middle of the holiday season, we know that these large family gatherings can be major triggers for our kiddos who tend to be big reactors. Claire helps us navigate the conversations we can have with not only our friends and family members, but with our children's teachers as well. And next week, we will both share our learnings from implementing Claire's strategies into our own households. So be sure to tune in to hear how these teachings are helping us with our own personal situations at home. Meet Claire.Visit Claire's website.Free Shipping at GOODR with code ‘HERSELF': https://goodr.com10% off at BETTERHELP: http://betterhelp.com/herselfLinks & Resources:Enroll in the HERself Self-Care CourseLet's connect!HERSELF SHOP: https://herself-podcast-favorites.myshopify.comHERSELF PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/herselfpodcastHERSELF INSTAGRAM: http://instagram.com/herselfpodcastMEET AMY: http://instagram.com/ameskieferMEET ABBY: http://instagram.com/abbyrosegreen

Join me for Part 2 of my conversation with Claire Lerner, L.C.S.W., the Director of Parenting Resources at Zero to Three: National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, a non-profit dedicated to promoting the healthy development and well-being of infants, toddlers, and their families. How do you deal with big reactions in a healthy way? Hiya Health: Receive 50% off your order at Hiyahealth.com/HUMANS   Produced by Dear Media  

What do you do when the regulated response to bad behavior doesn't work? Join me in conversation with Claire Lerner, L.C.S.W., the Director of Parenting Resources at Zero to Three: National Center for Infants, Toddlers, and Families, a non-profit dedicated to promoting the healthy development and well-being of infants, toddlers, and their families. When Time-In Doesn't Work: https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/time-out-revisited   Why Punishment Doesn't Stop Aggressive Behavior: https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/why-punishment-doesnt-stop-aggressive-behavior   Your Child Isn't Misbehaving On Purpose: https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/mainblog/2020/12/17/positive-parenting-mindshift-your-child-isnt-misbehaving-on-purpose   Produced by Dear Media   This episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct, or indirect financial interest in products, or services referred to in this episode.

If only it were as simple as singing "Kumbaya" with our kids in a calming circle and sprinkling them with kindness dust to make them sweet, polite angels. You may never receive handmade flower crowns from your toddler, but there are ways to introduce kind thoughts, feelings, and actions into your home. Molly and Blaire discuss: Why you can't "teach" kindness How kindness begins with our own self-reflection Strategies for bringing more kindness into your home Here are links to some of the resources mentioned in the episode: Claire Lerner of Lerner Child Development: "When Kids Act Mean: Why some kids have trouble being kind and what you can do" From Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled: "My Child Is So Mean to Me" Sarah Aadland for Motherly: "Raising kind kids: 9 daily habits to teach kids kindness" Special thanks to our sponsors for this month: AprilAire is Healthy Air, with professional-grade solutions filling millions of homes. To find out more about the AprilAire Healthy Air System®, visit www.aprilaire.com/laughing Metabolic Reds is a delicious superfood blend. Go to getreds.com/toddler to get a FREE bottle of Metabolic Greens with your first order.   Misfits Market is an affordable online grocery service that makes shopping easy, quick, and fun. Visit get.misfitsmarket.com/LAUGHING30 by Dec. 31st to get 30% off your first order. Ready, Set, Food! is the safe and easy way to introduce allergens to your baby's diet. Go to readysetfood.com/todpurgs & use code TODPURGS for 30% off your first order. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today we're wrapping up my greatest hits series of guest interviews with four amazing women. Claire Lerner offers help for parents of young children, Amy Kelly supports parents and teachers of middle school kids, Stephanie Haynes guides parents and kids through options after high school, and Alison Cady coaches women who want to lose weight and stop emotional eating. Don't forget to leave a review of the podcast before the end of June for your chance to win a book of your choice written by one of my guests. Two winners will be announced in early July. Get show notes and more information at www.lessdramamoremama.com/203

In this episode, I interview parenting expert Claire Lerner about setting boundaries with children so the parent remains in charge. The child has two choices, both of which are framed with neutrality and the child is left to choose the one they think is best. The parent is able to remove the power struggle by offering two good choices where they will get what they need and the child knows they will be following the established rules with either choice. She also shares some ideas about temperament and working with a sensitive child. You can find Claire at http://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/ (www.lernerchilddevelopment.com), where you will be able to sign up for her newsletter and click  https://www.amazon.com/Why-Child-Charge-Struggles-Cooperation/dp/B09CQDRVGG/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18UHS79RG34C9&keywords=why+is+my+child+in+charge&qid=1654181159&sprefix=why+is+my+%2Caps%2C138&sr=8-1 (https://amzn.to/3NKkYiw) to purchase her book, Why is My Child in Charge?

If you asked any of these gentle parenting experts, they would say parenting is the most important work in the world. But they are also perpetually downplaying the hardest parts of it—which means not ever making visible the parts of parenting that we most need to change.Welcome to Burnt Toast! This is the podcast where we talk about diet culture, fatphobia, parenting, and health. Today I am chatting again with Sara Louise Petersen. She’s the Burnt Toast resident momfluencer expert, and you can catch her previous episodes here and here. Sara is also the author of an upcoming book about momfluencers and the awesome new Substack newsletter In Pursuit of Clean Countertops, which is a must-subscribe!Today, Sara and I are chatting about the gentle parenting trend—and how it intersect with our conversations around gender roles, diet culture, and more. If you enjoy this episode, please subscribe, rate and review us in your podcast player! And subscribe to the Burnt Toast newsletter for episode transcripts, reported essays, and more.PS. The Burnt Toast Giving Circle is almost to $9,000! We are so close to our goal and will soon be picking which state election to fund. So if you’ve been thinking about joining, we still need you! Here’s the Burnt Toast episode where I announced it, ICYMI, and the link to donate.Episode 41 TranscriptVirginiaHi Sara! You are the resident Burnt Toast momfluencer expert, which I admit is not a category of expert I knew that I needed when I launched the podcast, but it turns out it very much is. And you just started your own Substack newsletter! So let’s talk about that first.SaraIt’s called In Pursuit of Clean Countertops. It’s not about countertops. It’s not about cleaning. The title is a nod to all of the things that momfluencer culture invites you to pursue and desire and want. I started it a little over a month ago based on an inflammatory post by @BallerinaFarm, Hannah Neeleman. She’s a big one. Her husband Daniel Neeleman started his own Instagram account relatively recently. He posted about the way that Hannah loves to clean and natural light and children like to congregate around her. It just made me feel a lot of a lot of feelings, Virginia. So that was the the post that started it at all.VirginiaI had a lot of feelings about that post, as well. I also love your new Weekly WTF which is so cathartic to read. SaraMy goal is to take the text threads that we all have with our friends, which can be more like, “Holy s**t. Did you see this? This is enraging this is infuriating,” and explore why is it infuriating. Why am I feeling these feelings? To expose the systemic issues at play.VirginiaToday you are coming back on this podcast because we want to dissect a sub-trend of momfluencing culture. We’re talking about “gentle parenting.” I also see it called “positive parenting.” It’s important to say right off the bat, there is no official definition of this concept. Jessica Grose wrote a piece for The New York Times where she described it as “a sort of open-source mélange, interpreted and remixed by moms across the country.” And yes, that is really what it is. Sara, do you want to read this definition that we found in this piece in The New Yorker by Jessica Winter, just so everyone’s on the same page about what we’re talking about here.SaraSo, okay:In its broadest outlines, gentle parenting centers on acknowledging a child’s feelings and the motivations behind challenging behavior, as opposed to correcting the behavior itself. The gentle parent holds firm boundaries, gives a child choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats—no sticker charts, no time-outs, no “I will turn this car around right now.” Instead of issuing commands (“Put on your shoes!”), the parent strives to understand why a child is acting out in the first place (“What’s up, honey? You don’t want to put your shoes on?”) or, perhaps, narrates the problem (“You’re playing with your trains because putting on shoes doesn’t feel good”).The gently parented child, the theory goes, learns to recognize and control her emotions because a caregiver is consistently affirming those emotions as real and important. The parent provides a model for keeping one’s cool, but no overt incentives for doing so—the kid becomes a person who is self-regulating, kind, and conscientious because she wants to be, not because it will result in ice cream. VirginiaThat is what I want my children to be, is the thing. This is the goal I think a lot of us have for kids. And yet the path for getting there is so convoluted. Let’s talk about when we each first became aware of this trend and how it’s showing up in our parenting.SaraI became aware of it by way of attachment parenting, which was just everywhere when I had my first kid, who is now almost 10. Attachment parenting is the whole 'if the kid is crying, the kid is not being annoying. It’s expressing needs or desires and it’s your job as the parent to interpret the cries.’ In attachment parenting, you’re not thinking of the kid’s behavior as an impediment to your life, but as the kid expressing his or her or their individuality. I was all about this when I was pregnant. I read all the Dr. Sears books. And then, almost immediately after having my first child, I just felt like I was being gaslit. I remember reading something... Kelly Something?VirginiaOh, yes, KellyMom. Oh, I’m having a trauma response. It’s been a minute.SaraI know. So my kid was not sleeping and I remember reading on KellyMom something like “when cluster feeding happens and baby only wants mom, consider it a compliment.” And I was just like fuuuuuck this. F**k this!!VirginiaIt’s not a compliment. I’m so tired.SaraAttachment parenting kind of feeds into gentle parenting really well in that it’s all about prioritizing the child’s needs. And very rarely are the parent’s needs anywhere in the conversation.VirginiaI had a pretty knee jerk reaction against attachment parenting, although, you know, my oldest is eight, so same time period. It was everywhere. But I was like, this is just code for the woman does everything. And I didn’t sign up for that. It’s not what we’ve agreed upon in my house. We’re not doing it. But then the gentle parenting thing for me, it was discovering Janet Lansbury’s work when my older daughter was a toddler and the toddler tantrums started. (Note from Virginia: I forgot to mention in our conversation that I’ve interviewed Lansbury for parenting articles a few times and think she’s incredibly smart and thoughtful, even if her tantrum advice didn’t always land for me. If you are also a Lansbury fan, this Ariel Levy profile is a must-read.)I was constantly having to negotiate with this person who is totally irrational, according to the way I understand the world. And who is demanding a lot from me in ways that just don’t make sense anymore. At least with a baby, you’re like, well, you’re hungry, or you’re cold or—their needs are just more concrete and not emotional. But suddenly, in the toddler years, you’re sorting through this emotional stuff, as well as—I’m now going to get mail from people saying babies have emotions. I know they do. I know they have emotions. But there’s something about engaging with a tiny verbal child or quasi-verbal child that is just much harder for me. So this whole gentle parenting approach, I sort of clung to it like a life raft. Will someone explain why these children scream so much? And gentle parenting has these '“answers” for you. But what was interesting, even when my older daughter was two or three, was how much it didn’t work with her. All this advice about, like, “What’s up? You don’t want to put your shoes on? Or you’re playing with trains because shoes don’t feel good?” She would just be enraged when I did that. I think it felt like very patronizing to her. She was like, “I am telling you how I feel through my yelling. You putting words to it is not making me better.” SaraWell, one of my challenges that you’re speaking to is: You’ll get this script and the lines that you’re reciting are at odds with your feelings, which are often rage, impatience, annoyance, frustration, despair. So if you’re reciting this script that is like, “I can see you’re having really big feelings right now. And that’s okay. Your big feelings are valid,” kids, I think can tell that you are feeding them a line from a script. Or at least my kids definitely can. It oftentimes in my household has made things worse.VirginiaYes. Because then you’re getting more frustrated while trying to recite the script.SaraAnd then you’re doubly frustrated because the script isn’t working.VirginiaSo, let’s talk more about the scripts because they are one of the most common tropes of the way gentle parenting is performed online. I want to talk about this Dr. Becky post. (Above.) If I have a child screaming, “I hate you! I hope you die!,” which has happened in my life, me responding with calmness is almost denying the feeling. The goal, ostensibly, is to label their feeling, but you’re denying the feeling because you’re responding so stoically to their feelings. Something about it feels so inauthentic.SaraThe other thing that just really stands out to me in this mantra is “the real story is my child’s pain.” There’s no room for the parents’ feelings in this mantra.VirginiaI don’t disagree with the argument here that a small child using that word doesn’t really mean the word the way an adult does. Like, this isn’t them being verbally abusive. I understand that. But that doesn’t stop it from feeling bad when it happens. And we are supposed to so totally center the child’s emotions to the point of having no emotional response to it. It’s just never going to happen, that way.SaraWhat if the kid is saying “I HATE YOU” to the sibling? You have to attend to the kid who’s having feelings and saying I hate you. And you have to attend to the kid who is the target of the “I hate you.” It’s just so much more complicated than any of these scripts would have you believe.VirginiaI think what’s interesting about this movement is there’s a lot of emphasis on not being punitive towards kids when they do bad things. When they hit, when they bite, when they say I hate you. An older model of parenting would have been to punish those behaviors. And their argument is: We’re never going to help kids move past these behaviors if we demonize the kid who’s doing the bad thing. Which I understand. But if you have a dynamic where an older brother has just slapped his little sister in the face, what is that girl learning? That someone who loves you can hurt you like that?SaraWe don’t want our children to internalize our feelings. But I also don’t think it’s terrible if our kids see us have an emotional reaction, such as anger or frustration. It’s natural to have a reaction when somebody says, “I hate you,” or when you get slapped in the face. We need to allow for the parents’ humanity in all of this. If your facial expression becomes angry, that’s okay. You can still value the child’s humanity and individuality and hold space for both things.VirginiaThere’s a lot of talk about how if you tell your child how you feel, you’re making them codependent. I just feel like this is a real big leap because the alternative is you’re teaching your child their emotions should always be centered. That feels like a terrible model for future relationships.SaraIn the Jessica Winter piece, she gives the example of if your kid is having a meltdown and you’re in the middle of vacuuming, you should by all means stop vacuuming and say to the kid, “your feelings are more important than housework.” Winter writes: The housework that [Robin] Einzig says to put off is a synecdoche for everything that the gentle parent—and, perhaps, the gently parented child’s invisible siblings—must push aside in order to complete a transformation into a self-renouncing, perpetually present humanoid who has nothing but time and who is programmed for nothing but calm.”Virginia And when is the vacuuming getting done? Maybe you don’t want to spend your whole day being interrupted during a chore that should take 15 minutes. This feels very much of a piece with what we see in momfleuncer culture. That’s @BallerinaFarm cleaning her house with a smile while the kids are frolicking around. This image of joy and calmness through domestic life doesn’t line up with anything I’ve ever experienced in domestic life. I don’t think it lines up with most people’s experience.SaraNo. I constantly talk to my kids when I’m feeling overwhelmed or how a lot of work goes into keeping a house and raising kids. I’m sure some gentle parenting advocates would tell me I’m burdening my kids with my own suffering or whatever. But it’s true and nobody ever talked to me about this openly, about how being a parent and being a grown up is hard.VirginiaMaking that work visible is so important for so many reasons. We are never going to make progress on our larger cultural gender roles if we are continually downplaying this work. I’m sure if you asked any of these gentle parenting experts, they would say parenting is the most important work in the world. That’s why they’ve devoted their careers to giving us all the scripts! But when you’re perpetually downplaying the hard parts of it, and when you’re needing to perform it in this really controlled way, you’re not actually ever making visible the parts of it that we need to change. SaraI can see a future where kids who are parented perfectly according to the gentle script, turn into parents themselves and say, like, “What the f**k? This is hard as s**t! Why did my parents always present as so calm and pulled together?”VirginiaI mean, that assumes anyone’s able to actually execute gentle parenting. I fhave my doubts that anybody is this parent, even three days a week. The other night, my child who, like I said, screams in fury if I try a gentle parenting script, we were having a thing. I finally said to her, “I am a human being with emotions, and you are hurting my feelings right now.” And one part of my brain was like, You are breaking all the rules. You aren’t supposed to tell her that she’s hurting your feelings. But that was what turned the corner in that particular moment. I’m not saying she was like, “Oh, I’m so sorry, I hurt your feelings.” There was no apology. But it did make her pause for a moment and have this recognition of, Oh, right. I am powerful here. My words have impact. She took a slight step back and we were able to then get on a much better track. A thought I had a lot, especially when I was parenting toddlers was: If an adult treated you like this, it would be an abusive relationship—and yet we are supposed to accept this wholeheartedly from children. It’s one of the things that is so hard about parenting. Because they are children and emotional capabilities are not fully developed, so you literally sign up for accepting abuse for several years. It’s not abuse, but it does not feel great.SaraI’m sure you’ve had this experience, where you are heated, you are furious, you’re having big emotions and the person you’re arguing with is stoic and calm and seemingly unaffected by your big emotions. VirginiaIt’s the worst! SaraIt’s the worst. So I can totally understand why being the kid at the receiving end of these scripts would be infuriating. Like, I’m kicking and screaming and like spitting at you. Why isn’t this having any impact? VirginiaIt feels kind of manipulative in that way, like you’re trying to make them feel powerless. Because kids want a reaction. They’re looking for connection. Often the yelling is an attempt to get your attention and get your connection. So if you’re giving them Robot Mom, you’re not connecting with them authentically. VirginiaOkay, so another big theme, and also m big division point with gentle parenting, is the fact that they frame timeouts as an act of trauma. This is a @biglittlefeelings post. They are big in this space and I have a lot of feelings about that. Because, with both my kids, there are times when timeouts save my family. We all need to step away from each other. I don’t think it is punitive or traumatizing to teach a kid that when your feelings are so big that you can only deliver them in hurtful ways that you need to take some time alone We call them “cool downs” which is totally trying to soften the language. But giving myself permission to use those with my kids has helped so much. SaraI have a kid who, when she’s having her biggest feelings, will remove herself. Like, her instinct is to go and sob sob, sob for 15 minutes. But if I try to go in before 15 minutes, it’s bad. It’s only after that she has that cathartic release that she’s even capable of connecting. VirginiaI am sure there are kids who want to collapse on you and need that sort of experience. But recognizing that, if you yourself are someone who needs to go be alone to think through your big feelings, maybe your kid needs that, too. And maybe it’s okay.SaraAnother thing that I want to highlight that’s giving me some big feelings is the caption. It says:When the parental response is to isolate the child, an instinctual psychological need of the child goes unmet. In fact, brain imaging shows that the experience of relational pain–like that caused by rejection–looks very similar to the experience of physical pain in terms of brain activity. This is not great. VirginiaThere’s no citation, there’s no science. We would need to fact check the heck out of that.SaraIt just feels so manipulative and like playing into parental shame and guilt.VirginiaI bet it’s stemming from the same research used to argue for attachment parenting, about how if you let a baby cry it out, you’re inflicting physical pain on them. And then when we looked at which data they were using, it was children who’d been neglected for months in orphanages. It was not children in loving homes who are being asked to cry for 15 minutes to fall asleep. I’m guessing this is orphanage research again and that research is very important for understanding the impact of true trauma. But it is not helpful to give to parents who are trying really hard to be decent parents. The other trope I wanted to hit on is: Speaking in the child’s voice. This is a post from Robin Einzig’s Facebook page: SaraI just want to describe the image because it’s doing a lot of work. It’s a painting of a very cherubic looking three or four year old, whose eyes are just full of innocent wonder and who has like rosy little pursed lips. She just looks like a blank canvas that you as the parent might be in danger of destroying. So it says, “When you cut it for me, write it for me, open it for me, set it up for me, draw it for me, and make it for me or find it for me. All I learned is that you do it better than I do. So I’ll let you do it. In the textbooks, this is called learned helplessness, but actually I call it clever on the part of the child and less than clever on the part of the adult.”VirginiaSick burn from a gentle parenting expert. SaraAlso the quote says “quote unknown.”VirginiaI mean, obviously the quote is unknown. They just made it up. They’re not quoting a human child because no child has ever said, “You know Mom, when you do this for me, all I learned is that you’re better at things than me.” SaraSo this one’s really thrown me for a loop.VirginiaIt’s another one of those super paralyzing pieces of advice. I remember reading some advice like this. The argument was, if you’re drawing with your child and if they see how you draw a cat, then they’ll never learn how to draw a cat themselves, like in their own vision of a cat. And I remember trying to do that and being like, well, this just sucked all the fun out of drawing. I’m actually kind of good at drawing cats and now I feel like I can’t draw a cat. You’re simultaneously supposed to do nothing for them so they can have all of these learning experiences, yet also be emotionally available to the point you can’t get your vacuuming done.SaraHow the hell are you supposed to get anything done if you’re letting a two-year-old do all these things? You will spend your entire day having the two-year-old cut something. VirginiaThis is just one of those constant tensions of parenting where of course they have to eventually learn to do these things for themselves. But when you’re trying to get out of the door or set them up with an activity, so you can get things done, of course, you’re going to do the hard parts for them. Because life demands it.SaraBecause of life! Like really. Because of life.VirginiaOne more good quote from the Jessica Winter piece: Gentle-parenting advocates are near-unanimous in the view that a child should never be told that she “made Mommy sad”—she should focus on her internal weather rather than peering out the window. “Good job!” is usually not O.K., even if you corroborate why the job is good. “Because I said so” is never O.K., no matter how many times a child asks why she has to go to bed.So Sara, when we were talking about this trend, you really found the mom influencer to end all momfluencers. She’s definitely at the most extreme end of the spectrum. So tell us about @milkgiver, please.SaraSo I’ve been following her for a long time. This type of momfluencer is catnip for me because they present with this very cool hipster, maybe used to live in Brooklyn type of vibe. So I’m initially attracted by their Shaker style fisherman’s sweaters. And then I get lured into the messaging, which often gets into very intense prescriptive nutrition stuff. There’s a lot of beef liver gummy making. VirginiaShe’s in a striped caftan type garment. I mean, I think I have the same mug as her right here because you know, #influenced. I’m pretty sure she has an East Fork pottery mug. So I’m not here to hate on her mug choice.SaraI have yet to pull the trigger, but I’m sure I will, Virginia. I’m sure I will.VirginiaYou will not be sorry. Anyway, she’s basically buried in children while having her morning coffee, is the image.SaraYou know Mary Cassatt paintings? It’s giving me those vibes. Like, you know, adoring children, beatific mother. It’s a long post, the thesis of which is that we, as mothers have so much power over giving our children happy, trauma-free childhoods. She says, …for the most part, I, as a mother, hold the incredible power of creating happy childhoods for my little ones or not so happy childhoods… And this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. there have been so many recurring themes in my life and something I keep hearing in the health and wellness circles is how disease or illness can be caused by past trauma. how interesting is that to think about? So, I’m not loving the direct connection between “I slammed the door or put my kid in timeout or lose my temper” and “down the road my kids might get cancer.” VirginiaIt defies the major thesis of all parenting research, which is that good enough parenting is all you really need. It’s reminding me quite a lot of the shaming that fat moms get. That your unruly body will be the cause of all of this downfall to your children. And again, that’s not borne out by research. SaraI have a therapist friend who is always like, “I actually take a lot of comfort in the fact that like, my kids can talk about whatever parts of their childhood in therapy later down the road. That’s okay.”VirginiaThat’s a great point.SaraIt’s okay if 20 years from now, my kid is like, “Mom always bitched about cleaning and how hard childcare was.” That’s not the end of the world.VirginiaThere are a lot of tools we can give our kids—including future therapy—to make up for our imperfections. I’m just looking at @milkgiver’s grid now and it is many whimsical hats. It is a lot of homemade. A homemade dollhouse, a homemade garland. Oh, and we should talk about the nutrition piece a little more because I definitely want us to hit on the way gentle parenting intersects with diet culture. Did you say she’s into calf liver gummies?SaraThere are so many gummies. So many.VirginiaHow do you even make liver into a gummy? I know she’ll have a tutorial for me. [Note from Virginia: Our post-recording fact-check revealed that @milkgiver actually makes beef gelatin gummies. We regret this error but not too much because calf liver gummies will surely be next.]Wait, can we also talk about the fact this woman doesn’t have a name? She’s just @milkgiver. SaraI do know her first name just because I’ve been following her forever, but yeah the fact that her identity is the giving of milk to children by way of her Instagram handle says a lot. VirginiaEven in the bio line, it’s just wife and mother of three, homeschooling, gentle parenting, Orthodox Christianity, knitting, nutrition, simple living. No name, no identity for you outside of how you serve your family. SaraDo you see the photo on the grid with the dried oranges? VirginiaOkay, so she writes: How did I get here? From being a fast food junkie, to vegan teen, to full out cigarette and alcohol addicted young adult to mama of three religiously wearing her blue blocker glasses in the evenings, taking raw liver shots and avoiding fluoride at all costs. This crunchy mama road isn’t always an easy one, and high five to anyone else desperately trying to keep their kids away from the junk being thrown at them right and left, I see you! It’s not always an easy path, but it is one I enjoy and ultimately follow because I like feeling good, I like keeping my kids healthy, and I like having energy, because that helps me to be a better mom. That’s my top goal in life currently, and being mostly healthy helps A LOT with it. It’d also be cool to live a long time. But who knows 😉🤎 #crunchymama #embracethecrunchOh, Sara. I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.SaraI knew you wouldn’t.VirginiaI mean, she’s just combining so many different things. “Fast food junkie” is not the same thing as an alcoholic. Let’s be real clear about that. Addiction is a terrible disease that destroys lives. Eating a lot of fast food is not the same thing.SaraEven even the term junkie in that context.VirginiaYou are not a junkie because you like fast food. And then this, this whole message of, okay, you have to take the hardest road to do everything. Even if you don’t want to eat fast food every day, there’s a big gulf between that and taking raw liver shots and avoiding fluoride. We’re just combining every possible wellness trend. It’s like she needs to check every single box here in a way that’s exhausting and overwhelming, and not at all doable for anybody. And also not necessary. Nobody needs to take raw liver shots in their lives. People have lived to be 100 years old without ever taking raw liver shots.SaraI also don’t like the the use of the word “desperate.” She says, “high five to anyone else desperately trying to keep their kids away from the junk.” How about we desperately try to like give all kids access to food, period?VirginiaThat would be cool.SaraIt just feels like such a classic trope of the self-optimizing white motherhood stuff. “Because I like feeling good. I like keeping my kids healthy.” The implication is that if she were not to follow all these super strict guidelines, she would knowingly be not giving her kids a healthy life. VirginiaAlso this vibe of, “oh well, that’s just me! I like feeling good. I like having healthy kids.” Oh, really? Do you think mothers living in poverty don’t like to feel good? They’re not feeding their kids enough food every day because they don’t like having healthy kids? This isn’t a whimsical choice for you. This is something you can do because you have a ton of privilege. Let’s also talk about if you are a parent desperately trying to keep your kid away from junk food, how fast that’s going backfire and harm your child’s relationship with junk food. I mean, how many letters do I get? (For starters: This one, this one, this one, and this one.) This is probably the number one question I am asked. Sneaking food is just how it plays out every time because your kids know that your raw liver gummies are not as delicious as their friends gummy bears. SaraThe other thing that’s kind of hysterical to me is this is also not in agreement with gentle parenting. We’re supposed to enable our kids to have the tools within themselves to navigate life. So this feels like a direct contradiction. VirginiaThe interesting thing about the way gentle parenting and diet culture intersect is most gentle parenting folks are really big proponents of Division of Responsibility, which is about empowering kids to listen to their bodies and trust their own hunger and fullness. So you’re not counting bites, you’re not requiring them to finish stuff or eat their broccoli before they have the cookie. The problem is, it gets layered in with this idea of, “I have to choose things like calf flavored gummies and green smoothies and all of these perfectly healthy things.” And then I’m frustrated because my kids still is asking for Little Bites muffins and not my homemade spelt muffins or whatever. It’s using Division of Responsibility as a script for diet culture. You’re still trying to control them, but you’ve coopted this other rhetoric to do it. SaraI’m sure you’ve written and talked about this before, but what happens if you are so hyper-controlling the environment that your kid is choosing from? What happens when your kid enters the real world of actual food choice?VirginiaThose are the kids who go on playdates and eat the whole sleeve of Oreos at their friend’s house or eat sugar by the spoonful. I am not shaming those kids, I am not shaming those parents. It’s a totally natural response. You’ve been restricted, these foods have been banned. Forbidden fruit is really powerful and really tempting. Your mom’s not gonna let this stuff in the house. So it’s super understandable. This is another thing where they give us a lot of scripts! Let’s talk about this @biglittlefeelings post (above). SaraMy response as my kid is, “I don’t want either bowl. F**k the bowl, lady!”VirginiaGiving them a choice of the bowls is not going to distract them from the fact that they want cereal. Especially if you’re not offering cereal very often. I’m not saying you should cave in the moment and be a short order cook and just like immediately whisk off the bowl of yogurt and granola and give them the cereal. But you might do better to say, “let me pack cereal for your snack for school,” or “I totally hear you. Let’s make sure we have cereal for breakfast tomorrow.” If we’re gonna give kids permission to have all their big feelings, let’s spend some time on the big feeling about cereal instead of just like moving right past it and trying to distract them with the bowl choices. Again, it runs so counter to the larger message of what they tell us to do. But she doesn’t want to give in on the cereal, so she’s trying to control the food from a diet culture perspective— and then the gentle parenting quickly falls apart in the face of that goal. I also want to say it’s fine if sometimes you do say, “yeah, you know what, I’m gonna grab you the bowl of cereal.” Making a bowl of cereal is not the most time consuming thing. If this allows you to move on with your morning because it’s just been one of those mornings, it’s fine. It happens. We don’t need to feel like we failed because we did that. That’s another piece of this: When you don’t follow the scripts, you have to feel like you got it wrong.SaraTotally.VirginiaLet’s wrap up by talking about some parenting folks we do like. The person that I really liked that I wanted to talk about is Claire Lerner. She is the author of the book, Why Is My Child in Charge. I am going to put in a caveat that her chapter on food is not totally there. There’s definitely some diet culture stuff in it. But this was a really useful book for me to read because she does help parents understand why we end up in those power struggles. And a big thing I like is that she’s pro-timeouts when the kid needs it. She recognizes a place for them. She also really encourages parents to hold boundaries and not feel guilty about it. One line that she uses that I like is “you don’t have to like this.” I’ve started using this when I do say no to my kids about something and they throw a fit. I’m like, “You don’t have to like it, but this is what we’re doing.” And that has been so liberating. Because of course they’re having a tantrum. They don’t like being told TV is done for the day. But they don’t have to like it, we’re just doing it.Sara@Destini.Ann is someone I love. She’s just so approachable and the mother’s emotions are always valued. Her Instagram bio says “sign up for parent coaching below. Peaceful parent, but real AF.” That kind of tells you what you need to know. VirginiaYeah, I like it. I like it a lot. “Gentle is not my default.”SaraYes. Let’s acknowledge that gentleness is not everybody’s default and is labor.Another great one is @EricaMBurrell. I’ll limk to one of her reels where she’s talking about how gentle parenting is not something that white people own.VirginiaThat’s really interesting because that certainly is the impression you get on Instagram. SaraBlack parents have talked a lot about how Black culture plays into parenting mores and how there is a lot of judgment lobbed by white people towards Black parenting, without bothering to engage with Black culture. VirginiaYeah, that’s excellent. And then @supernova_momma?SaraIn her Instagram bio it says “Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, Mother of Two, Autism /Neurodiversity Acceptance, Sometimes I twerk.” A lot of her content speaks specifically to neurodiversity, which I can imagine being so so tricky to maneuver in the gentle parenting space.VirginiaI think anytime your kid is dealing with something extra—whether it’s a disability, neurodiversity, or certain life experiences—there is this disconnect. You try to follow the rules they’re laying out and your kid has a completely opposite reaction to it and then you feel like you did something wrong, when in fact, the advice wasn’t inclusive and wasn’t thinking about your kid at all. SaraAlmost all the problems with gentle parenting arise from not respecting both the parent’s individuality and the kid’s individuality. Both you and I have talked about specific parenting experiences where we recognize, we intuit what our kid needs in that moment. We can intuit that this script is not going to work for either of us. So we make a choice based on our knowledge of our kids’ specific needs and specific personalities and our own specific needs and specific personalities.VirginiaI think it speaks to the fact that, as a culture, we don’t really empower parents—we especially don’t empower moms—to have that confidence in ourselves. You’re simultaneously expected to know exactly what to do and to have all this motherly intuition that guides you perfectly. But you’re also not really empowered to feel like you can make the right choices without outside experts, because we have such rigid standards and expectations. I just think it is helpful to start to realize you can make choices for yourself on this stuff. There is not a parenting police. Dr Becky’s not going to come to your house and edit your scripts. Butter For Your Burnt ToastSaraMy new obsession is Jessica Defino’s newsletter. It’s called The Unpublishable and it’s a takedown of the beauty industry. I just find it so, so delicious. She’s so funny. She’s so smart. I interviewed her recently for my newsletterVirginiaIt is so rare to find beauty content that is not tied to advertising—like so, so, so rare. So she’s a great voice. Hopefully she will be on a Burnt Toast episode soon. Stay tuned! It’s in the works. Okay, my recommendation is a recommendation that I feel I’ve been journeying to for a long time, that I was always meant to be this person and now I finally am. I am now someone who does puzzles. I think no one is surprised, if you know me at all, that I am now in the puzzling phase of my life, that I am I am a puzzler. I started it while we were on vacation. We had two days of a sick kid because that’s how family vacations roll. And so we were in our Airbnb and they had a bunch of puzzles. And I was like, I’m gonna do some puzzles while we’re hanging out here. It was so soothing! I think my husband always knew this about me, before I knew it about myself because several years ago for Christmas, he had given me an 1000 piece puzzle and he’d given me this cool felt mat thing (similar to this one). So you can do the puzzle but you can also roll it up if you’re not done. Because I have a dog and kids and you know, I can’t leave the puzzle out all the time. So I came home and dug it out of the closet and now I’m working on this puzzle in the evenings. I’m so happy. I’m just so happy. It was definitely at the point on vacation where my kids were like, “can we have lunch?” And I was like, “No, I’m doing this puzzle.”SaraIt sucks you in. VirginiaYeah, I was like, “I’m not a parent right now. I’m a puzzler. You have to raise yourself.”SaraWhen I will start a puzzle, the kids will be nowhere in sight to do the hard edges or whatever, and then they’ll come in like little vultures as soon as I’m down to like 50 pieces. Like, back off. Don’t steal my thunder.VirginiaYeah, mine did not want to do it at all. My older daughter did sort of like sit and haze me while I was doing it for a while, which was fun for both of us. But I think she’s got a puzzler in her, too. She’s just not there yet. I think it’ll come out, especially now that this is my life. SaraAnd your identity. VirginiaIt’s my identity now. And what it’s really great for is, this week I had a piece getting some pushback on Twitter and I was having a day where looking at Twitter was not going to be helpful to me. That evening, I put the phone down and puzzled away instead of looking at Twitter. I was really proud of myself!All right, Sara. Thank you so much for being here. Tell everyone where we can find you and find your newsletter!SaraDefinitely check out my newsletter, it’s called In Pursuit of Clean Countertops. I’m on Instagram at @SLouisePeterson and I am on Twitter as the same thing. The Burnt Toast Podcast is produced and hosted by me, Virginia Sole-Smith. You can follow me on Instagram or Twitter.Burnt Toast transcripts and essays are edited and formatted by Corinne Fay, who runs @SellTradePlus, an Instagram account where you can buy and sell plus size clothing.The Burnt Toast logo is by Deanna Lowe.Our theme music is by Jeff Bailey and Chris Maxwell.Tommy Harron is our audio engineer.Thanks for listening and for supporting independent anti-diet journalism. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit virginiasolesmith.substack.com/subscribe

Andrew talks with author & child development expert Claire Lerner. Claire is a trained clinical social worker and psychotherapist—she's worked with thousands of children and families over the last 30 years. She's also the author of the book “Why Is My Child In Charge?” Andrew and Claire explore ways parents and role models can help kids be great leaders, effective collaborators, and resilient enough to overcome whatever challenges life throws at them. This conversation is filled with simple strategies and tips to put kids on the road to success. Show highlights2:18 - Role of nature vs. nurture in helping children become leaders2:30 - Providing children a range of experiences4:31 - Determining how adaptable a child is7:04 - Tuning in to a child's needs7:30 - Building resilience & grit8:16 - Mistakes parents and caregivers make12:46 - Getting kids comfortable with failure15:04 - Growing though challenges17:20 - Building success through incremental steps20:02 - Benefits and risks of goal-setting with children23:27 - Helping children be effective collaborators25:16 - Impact of preschool on child development32:55 - Claire's advice for parents and role modelsBe sure to subscribe & leave a review for the show in your favorite podcast app.Follow Andrew on Twitter:@andrewhmoses and IG: @AndrewMoses123Sign up for e-mails to keep up with the podcast at everybodypullsthetarp.com/newsletter!Please tell your friends about Everybody Pulls The Tarp on social media and be sure to tag Andrew in your posts @andrewmoses123 (Instagram) and @andrewHmoses (Twitter).

What is play? How does it look, feel, and sound to you? What's the point of it? What gives rise to it? What hinders it? How did we engage with it as kids? How do we hold it as adults? These are a handful of the questions we are prodding at in this week's episode. It's my hope that it gives your imagination a little spark and leaves you feeling ready to bring more play to your day. We will take a trip down memory lane and think about some of our experiences of play as children. And consider what happens to our relationship with play as we grow up. Oh and the (unintended) impact our words and actions might have on the play and imagination in the minds of future generations. "As both adults and children, do you think we allow ourselves less and less of this open, ‘pointless' time? I think so, and yet it is in this time that the mind can freewheel, new connections are made, new ideas are born." - Michael Rosen's Book of Play Am I Doing It Right? Play is absolutely foundational to human life. It's at the core of emotional, intellectual, physical, and spiritual well-being and development. But it's not just about what we do. It influences our relationship with everything we do. And it can influence every aspect of life, from the cradle to the grave. The more play we invite into our lives, the more meaning, joy, and gentleness we will begin to notice and experience. Both in ourselves and in the world around us. The Fewer Toys Children Have, The More They Play Through her research into the potential impacts of excessive toys, Claire Lerner reported that children, “get overwhelmed and over-stimulated and cannot concentrate on any one thing long enough to learn from it so they just shut down. Too many toys mean they are not learning to play imaginatively either.” We have been looking at this article in The Haven, and considering its implications and applications for adults too. Could we do more with less? Are we doing ourselves a disservice by using specific (closed) tools, toys, and technology to solve every little problem we encounter? In the episode we also think about: The impact of associating "make believe" with a sense of lack or deprivation How getting 'the proper one' can crush imaginative play Why learning to surf on a styrofoam lid or using a stool as a drum, are not inhibitors to progress but fuel for it How imagination can get chipped away over time as we become subservient to the so called 'real world' The question that haunts our relationship with play... "am I doing it right?" The difference between 'exploration mode' and 'play mode' with our toys (and how too much choice hinders our relationship with the latter) How 'out of the box' solutions can only take us so far, and why it's worth creating conditions for flexibility The danger of shrinking public spaces for play and connection, and how this limits our ability to imagine to the realm of those who own the physical and virtual real-estate How we could apply child-initiated play to our relationship with play as adults (and what we can do to build play into the fabric of our environment rather than seeing it as an activity to set up and tidy away) Over to You What role does play currently have in your life? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the ideas in this episode. Please share on social media or in the comments below!

Hello, and welcome to another audio version of Burnt Toast!Today, I am so so thrilled to be chatting with Ragen Chastain, who is a professional speaker and writer, trained researcher, and co-author of The HAES Health Sheets. Ragen is also a multi-certified health and fitness professional, and a queer fat woman. Ragen, thank you so much for being here!RagenThanks for having me. I love your work so much. I’m giddy as a school girl! VirginiaRagen and I have been in each other’s orbits for a very long time. We were talking about something that we worked on where the website doesn’t even exist anymore. RagenVirginia gave me my very first paid freelance work in this space. She was leaving a platform and recommended me, so she’s been supporting my work, and just be an awesome leader in her own right, for a long time.VirginiaThat’s very lovely of you to say. When I first found your work in the mid-2000s you were extremely patient with my learning curve. For folks who don’t know, Ragen created the beloved fat activism blog Dances With Fat. She is now writing a Substack called Weight and Healthcare. So let’s start with that, Ragen. You have this amazing blog, you’ve been doing it forever, you have, I don’t even know, 1000 posts there. What inspired you to also say I need a newsletter?RagenI started Dances With Fat in 2009. There are a little over 1800 posts on there now. In the same year, I started doing talks for healthcare professionals around working with higher weight patients: Best practices, weight, stigma, weight science, health care. I wrote about that on Dances With Fat, but recently I’ve started to do more of that work and to do it at a higher level, and when I’m talking with a VP of a major healthcare group, sending them to Dances with Fat is not ideal, even though I’m very proud of that blog. It’s not quite the the thing that they’re looking for. I knew about Substack and I knew about Burnt Toast, so I reached out to Virginia, who helped give me a sense of how Substack worked. It seemed like a really good platform for this type of work. I got a little logo made from Toni Tails, a little researcher Ragen icon, and then put together some of the posts from Dances With Fat that were classics. Now I’m going to be writing new stuff, as well. VirginiaI sort of love the idea of healthcare CEOs going to Dances With Fat. It gives me a lot of joy. But it’s a smart activism strategy to have it all in one place. We’re recording this, I should say, right after your first launch week. So you’ve been putting up a lot of pieces that I will be linking to forever. You are covering these really fundamental questions that can be kind of exasperating, like, “This question is coming up again?” But for people who are new to challenging this huge paradigm, you do have to start with these fundamental questions and grapple with stuff. One question people often ask is, “Isn’t obesity a disease?” So, walk us through it, Ragen.RagenThis is something that has been coming up more and more, this idea that just existing in a fat body is a chronic lifelong health condition for which people should get treatment. This has been pushed for a while now by people who sell dangerous and expensive “treatments” for weight loss. I first started seeing it happening in the most insidious way, with organizations that claim to be advocacy organizations—like the Obesity Action Coalition—but that are actually well-funded by diet drug manufacturers and weight loss surgery purveyors. For the diet drugs, for example, their product doesn’t work long term. People gain the weight back as soon as they go off the drugs. So the drug companies say, “Oh, well, it’s a chronic and lifelong condition, then we can just keep them on the drugs forever,” which is exactly what Novo Nordisk is doing, and why they’re pushing this so hard right now. It also expands their market to every fat person alive. That helps them with what is their golden goose, which is insurance coverage. They can’t get insurance to cover these things because they’re expensive and because they don’t work. So by saying, “Oh, well, it’s because you haven’t let us do it long enough,” they are expanding their market. But that it doesn’t make any sense, and here’s why: Thin people get all the same health issues that fat people do. So, being thin can neither be a sure preventative nor a sure cure. That’s just not how that works. This idea that if fat people experience a health problem more often than thin people, then obviously their body size is the problem and making them thinner is the solution is not a science-based conclusion. We have to look at what are the confounding variables that could be causing this? And in this case, weight cycling, weight stigma, and healthcare inequalities are well researched for their negative impacts on fat people’s health. And this idea of fat being a chronic condition increases those three things. I want to be super clear, there is no shame in having a health condition. There is no shame in seeking treatment. The shame here is trying to make simply existing a pathologized condition for which people can sell dangerous treatments that risk people’s lives for an outcome that isn’t shown to be positive. It’s actually shown to be harmful a lot of the time. So, the AMA studied this. They had their Committee on Science of Public Health study whether or not being fat should be a disease and the committee came back and said no. And the AMA said, “Okay, well, thanks for your time, but we’re gonna go ahead and declare it a disease anyway.” VirginiaI just want people to really take that in. The American Medical Association’s committee that was asked to study that question, should we medicalize weight higher body weights, said no, the evidence does not support that. And the AMA said, Okay, so we’re gonna do it. RagenYeah, it’s a “let me just take a minute to bang my head on the desk and then I’ll complete this post that I’m writing” sort of situation.It’s important because this seems so science-y and medical-y, right? BMI is an equation and that’s math and math is science. We have these words like “obesity” that pathologize body size, and that can sound really legitimate, right? But then you start digging and learn that Body Mass Index is just a complicated ratio of weight and height that is racist in its origins. Sabrina String’s Fearing the Black Body and Da'Shaun Harrison’s Belly of the Beast are books I recommend to everyone to read about this and other racism and body size intersections. The term obesity comes from a Latin word meaning “to eat until fat.” This is not science. It’s a term that was created to pathologize bodies. It was invented for that purpose. The AMA saying, “Oh, yes, this is this constitutes a chronic health condition or disease,” sounds very science-y until you find out that the actual science had to be ignored to make that happen.VirginiaYes and this “chronic lifelong condition” we’re talking about, the treatments that they are pushing actually exacerbate the condition, because the condition is living with weight stigma, living with social inequities around health care, all of these other issues that these treatments further. Fat is not a chronic lifelong health condition.RagenIt really isn’t. It’s gotten out that intentional weight loss interventions fail the vast majority of the time. The majority of the time weight loss has the opposite of the intended effect, right? People gain back all of their weight and up to 66% of people gain back more than they lost. But the response wasn’t, “Hey, there’s a mountain of evidence that shows that there are better ways to support the health of fat people than trying to make them lose weight.” The suggestion was, “Well, then let’s do it harder, and more and more dangerously.” And that’s what we’re seeing with the pharmaceuticals. That’s what we’re seeing with the surgery. We’re getting healthcare for fat people based on the premise that it is acceptable to kill fat people in an effort to make them thin.VirginiaAnd yet they’re saying we need to get insurance coverage for these things, even though they don’t work. They frame that as an example of the stigma. They’re like, “Look, it’s so misunderstood that the insurance companies won’t even pay for these treatments that these people desperately need.” They don’t see the inherent disconnect there. RagenI’m going to say they aggressively don’t see the disconnect, possibly negligently, purposefully don’t see it. They’re saying, “We don’t want to stigmatize fat people, we just want to eradicate them from the earth and make sure no more ever exist.” That’s not an anti-stigma message. It’s a profitable one. One of the things that frustrates me is the way that they are co-opting the rhetoric of anti-weight stigma, which the fat liberation community has spent so long trying to get out there, and then using that to sell even more dangerous intentional weight loss methods. It is super gross.They are creating weight stigma and then selling their dangerous product as a “solution.” It’s this idea that if you don’t want to be oppressed, you should change yourself to suit your oppressors.VirginiaThat’s what I want my kids to learn: Make the bully like you better.RagenGive them your lunch money, and maybe they’ll stop beating you up! It’s not a perfect comparison, obviously, but as someone who is both queer and fat and who came out in the mid-90s in Texas, I see parallels between that and this idea of just doing whatever dangerous thing you need to do to make yourself straight, so that you don’t experience homophobia; this idea of changing yourself to move yourself out of the oppressed category, rather than fighting oppression. I spent years fighting my body on behalf of weight stigma. Weight stigma is real and weight stigma does real harm, including to me, but now I fight weight stigma on behalf of my body.VirginiaThat’s a really helpful framing. You took one for the team by taking on one of the most common and irritating troll comments around fat activism: That all these fat people are a drain on the system because they’re costing us so much money in terms of tax dollars in health care. This is an argument that hits me really personally, not around weight, but I have a daughter with a chronic heart condition. I wrote a piece for Slate about the fact that we had $3 million in medical bills before she turned three years old. That’s why universal health care is essential, to help families avoid destroying themselves financially to save their children. The number one troll response I got was: “She’s a drain on the system. Some kids aren’t meant to live.”RagenIn the piece I tackle that from two aspects: The reality and then if it were true that fat people are this drain on the system. The first thing I always do when somebody comes at me with this “my tax dollars” argument is I say, “Well, I want to see your yes/no tax list.” They say, “What yes/no tax list?” And I say, “Oh, the one that shows all the things your taxes pay for broken down into what you do and don’t want to pay for, and the interventions you’re involved in for everything you don’t want to pay for.” This isn’t about their tax dollars. This is about trying to find a justification for their fat bigotry. This is what they’ve arrived at that people sort of find acceptable. Like, “Oh, well, I’m paying for their health care.” But that’s what civilized societies do, right? I am paying for the health care of people who jumped out of helicopters wearing skis and people whose attempts to climb mountains are dramatically unsuccessful. I want to do that. Anytime you say, “Okay, this group of people who we can identify by sight is a drain on society and we should eradicate them to make things cheaper for everyone,” you have gone down a bad bad road. This is a straight up eugenics argument. We have to really recognize that. I find that people who want to say this about me don’t want other people to be doing it to them. Whether they are a raw foods vegan or a keto or paleo person, they believe that they’re right, and they are not interested in other points of view. This is where it really starts to break down. Who gets to decide for all of us? If somebody finds that, for example, a raw food vegan diet is the most healthy, do we all have to do that? VirginiaAnd do we all have to do that in order to access healthcare? What do we owe in order to access healthcare?RagenExactly. This is a really dangerous argument that’s being made by people flippantly, in many cases, just to justify discriminating against fat people, just to justify their weight bigotry. They don’t follow it to the end of where that goes. So that’s really dangerous. And also, fat people pay taxes, too. My taxes go to fund a government war on “obesity” that makes my life terrible and has negative impacts on my health. In general, this argument, when you scratch the surface even a little bit, just becomes a thin veil for fat bigotry that is unsupportable by any kind of evidence.VirginiaAnd ableism! It’s saying that the only people worthy of health care are people who are making virtuous choices that we approve of or who won the genetic lottery and don’t really need health care. What strikes me when it’s levied against fat folks is that it’s often because people are blaming people for their body size and assuming that it’s your lifestyle that led to this, as opposed to the fact that people just come in different body sizes. With something like my daughter, you can’t say, “The baby’s responsible for her heart condition, but we still don’t want to pay for it.” Either way, it becomes this ableist thing to say some lives are more valuable because they have this genetic luck. RagenThere are a lot of places where the intersections of ableism and healthism and fatphobia come together, and this is certainly one. One of the things that is also frustrating is that the idea of body size as a choice is obviously really problematic, but even if we believed that that was true, also a choice is playing sports, which cost billions of dollars in sports injuries every year that are completely unnecessary. Research shows that moderate walking gives us the health benefits that can come out of movement, so nobody needs to be playing sports.VirginiaI love this so much as someone who just hates sports.RagenI’m someone who loves sports and who does ridiculous fitness-y things. Just to be super clear, health and fitness, by any definition, is not an obligation, not a barometer of worthiness, not entirely within our control. There is this good fatty / bad fatty thing, so I always want to be clear that completing a marathon or having a Netflix marathon are morally equivalent activities. I’ve done both, so I can tell you for sure. So, it’s not about that, but I enjoy fitness. I’m also aware that when you go to a triathlon or when you watch the CrossFit Games and people have an exoskeleton of physio tape, that’s a lot of injuries that people don’t need to have in their lives, but they’re choosing that lifestyle. Shaq got knee surgery even though he for sure caused his knee problem and was going right back to the lifestyle that caused it. The NFL was created to risk people’s short and long term mental and physical health in the hopes that one day their team will score enough points to get a shiny piece of jewelry. You’re allowed to do that, but let’s not act like it prioritizes health because it doesn’t. This is a whole group of people purposefully not prioritizing their health and the average player is broke by two years out of the league. VirginiaAnother piece I love is where you break down why diets fail. A line that really jumped out to me, in your piece, is “the entire basis of prescribing weight loss for greater health is built on the decidedly unscientific premise that if we make fat people look like thin people, they will have the same health outcomes.” RagenWhen I did my original literature review of weight loss, looking for the best diet, I was still in diet culture, but my background is research methods and statistics and I’d never really researched this. I had been yo-yo dieting for years. I decided to read every study and break it down and find the best diet. What I found was that, as you said, there wasn’t a single study were more than a tiny fraction of people were succeeding at long term, significant weight loss. The thing that really blew me away was that there wasn’t a single study that showed that the people who were successful had better out health outcomes or similar health outcomes to thin people. That study doesn’t exist, in large part because there aren’t enough people who are successful to commission such a study.VirginiaIt’s hard to do research on unicorns.RagenThe National Weight Control Registry tried it, they’ve got 10,000 successes since 1994. There have been over a billion attempts, but okay. What they found were just some commonalities among outliers. 98% of the people who have lost 30 pounds and kept it off for a year ate breakfast. They don’t know how many of the other billion also ate breakfast. VirginiaA lot of us eat breakfast without successfully losing weight. RagenHad I turned in the study plan of the National Weight Control Registry research in my freshman year research methods class, the dean would have been telling me, “There are a lot of majors here and I think you should choose another one because you don’t understand this at a pretty basic level.” We know that cis male pattern baldness is highly correlated with cardiac incidents. So it would be like if they stopped there and said, “We have to get these people to grow hair” And when their initial attempts didn’t work, they were like, “We need more dangerous ways to grow hair! Drugs and surgeries and a war on baldness!” That is exactly what they did when it came to weight and health. They simply stopped and those who didn’t stop are getting ignored. Lucy Aphramor did an incredible paper about the validity of the research within dietetic articles. It’s a great piece and I recommend it for people who are trying to look into this. VirginiaI’m thinking of a doctor I saw when I was six months postpartum and my baby wasn’t sleeping through the night. The doctor was concerned about my weight. She was like, “Oh, well, I walked an hour a day when I had a newborn.” And I was like, “That’s nice for you, but I have a job and two children and I don’t have an hour to walk. If I had an hour to walk, I would sleep.” It’s just not realistic. A friend of mine was just telling me that she’s pursuing treatment for various medical conditions and the guy was like, “Intermittent fasting will solve all your problems.” And she’s like, “I am parenting and working full time, during a pandemic. I have two chronic conditions. Starvation is not a great way for me to go.” The way that diet and fatphobia show up in the healthy habits conversation feels really problematic to me. It ends up becoming another form of shame and stigma. What can we do, as patients, to advocate for ourselves in these conversations? RagenOne way to go is to try to bypass it. My magic question is, “What would you recommend to a thin person in this situation?” Often that bypasses some of the fatphobia and some of the recommending of healthy habits just because they believe if you did them, you would lose weight. I was at a regular physical with a new doctor and at the end he said, “I just need you to do something for me and it’s going to be so hard. So hard. But if you can do it, it is going to change your life.” And he said, “I just need you to start walking ten minutes a day.” And to his credit, ten minutes a day is reasonable! He didn’t say you have to walk an hour, like your doctor said. But I was training for my first marathon and I had done eighteen miles the night before. So I told him that and said, “I’d be glad to do ten minutes a day because I’m going to claw back a lot of time that way, but I don’t think it’s going to meet my goals at all.” And he said, “Look, you don’t have to lie about it if you’re not going to do it.” So one thing to always know is that this isn’t your fault. This shouldn’t be happening. You can’t make a doctor practice ethical, evidence-based medicine. I also teach ego management techniques—because I live in LA, I can fire a doctor a day, and I will, there there are tons of them around—but if someone lives in a rural area and there’s only one doctor, they have different options. So you can say things like, “oh, I’m actually already doing a weight loss diet, and I’ve lost some weight, but it hasn’t really helped.” This doesn’t have to be true, by the way. Then you say, “What would you do for a thin person? Let’s try that as well.” Like, “Sure, I’m gonna take this diet advice you’re giving me and I can’t wait to put food in baggies of certain caloric amounts. I’m super excited. But in the meantime my cousin had this and she was given this medication.” When a thin person gets an evidence based treatment for their symptoms and a fat person gets a diet, it delays them getting that evidence based treatment for who knows how long. Probably forever, because that diet isn’t gonna work. So, unless the doctor says, “Okay, this isn’t working, I’ll give you the treatment,” it can delay treatment forever. The person maybe doesn’t go back. This is just one of the ways that these healthcare inequalities impact fat people’s health. Just to be clear, don’t do the diet. And I also want to be clear that lying to your healthcare practitioner is not ideal. Ideally, you wouldn’t need to do that. The fact is that weight stigma in healthcare forces fat people to make some really difficult choices that we shouldn’t have to make. This is one of them. In the past when I needed care and was not been able to get it, I said, “I already lost 75 pounds. It hasn’t helped at all. What else is there? What else do you have?” That was, in that moment, effective. Suddenly I’m somebody who is compliant and deserves ethical, evidence-based care. But what they recommended was also recommendable ten minutes before, when I was just fat. Our choices are often not ideal.VirginiaIt’s frustrating because you are then stuck needing to play into that “good fatty” stereotype. But if that gets you the treatment you need and it’s a way to preserve your mental health through the shitty ordeal, then it’s worth doing.RagenA lot of privilege goes into this too. Not just good fatty privilege, but like as a white, cisgender, currently able-bodied, currently neurotypical person. For those with multiple marginalizations, for those who are higher weight, these solutions are less effective because of intersectional oppression and because of the greater oppression that higher weight people face. That’s a your-mileage-may-vary-due-to-oppression -situation.VirginiaThe HAES health sheet website that you’ve put together, is a phenomenal resource for folks. Ragen worked with Dr. Louise Metz and Tiana Dodson, who are amazing as well. They’ve put together this whole library of different health conditions and information on the weight inclusive approach to this health condition, as opposed to the weight-loss-centered approach that many doctors take. If you’re preparing for a medical encounter, this is a great place to go and prep yourself for what’s to come. So we’re gonna wrap up with our recommendation segment. It can be about a product anything and experience you’ve had recently so, Regan, what have you got for us?RagenI have for you Latoya Shauntay Snell’s Running Fat Chef podcast. Latoya Shauntay Snell is this incredible, Black, fat, disabled athlete and activist. She put together this podcast with different athletes talking about the intersections of weight stigma and fitness in the athletic world and how to overcome that. I love all of her work, and her podcast is incredible.VirginiaThat sounds phenomenal. I will definitely be subscribing and downloading immediately. That’s an awesome recommendation. Mine is a little more out of left field, given the whole context of our conversation, but very much in the field for the context of my life right now. It is a parenting book I’m finding very helpful called Why Is My Child in Charge? by Claire Lerner. If you have a preschooler or a toddler who is often trying to be in charge of your life this book is great. I am not a big fan of parenting writing, which is weird to say since I get labeled as parenting writer, but it’s true. Melinda Wenner Moyer, who’s a friend and parenting writer I love, actually loaned me her copy because I was texting her about various tantrums happening in the house. Lerner frames parenting as understanding that you cannot control your child’s behavior. So your job is not to persuade them to agree with every rule you make or to get them to change their minds about stuff, but actually to keep providing the framework they need to be loved and nurtured without needing to stay up an hour past bedtime and ruin your life.It actually applies to a lot, like what we were just talking about with doctors, you can’t change their minds either. It’s a useful message for going through life. I’m not here to change other people’s behavior. I’m just here to set my boundaries and set the framework I need to function. It’s been very helpful for me with a certain four year old at the moment. (Virginia Note: I finished the book after recording this episode and sadly, cannot recommend the chapter on mealtimes. But the rest is still great!)RagenI feel like I need to read it for my little Maltese. We named him after three drag queens and he acts like it. Don’t name your dog after three drag queens.VirginiaWe also have a dog whose behavior I cannot control, but I can control the framework. Alright Ragen, where can Burnt Toast fans find more of your work?RagenSo my newsletter is Weight and Health Care. You had mentioned the HAES Health Sheets and then Dances with Fat. I also do a monthly workshop and the one coming up is on dealing with fatphobia at the holidays. We will be talking a lot about how we can’t control their people’s behavior but we can control our reactions and boundary setting. If you go to Dances with Fat, you’ll also find all of my social media and past writing outside of the healthcare sphere. VirginiaAwesome. Ragen, thank you so much for doing this.Thank you all so much for listening to Burnt Toast! Burnt Toast transcripts and essays are edited and formatted by Corinne Fay, who runs @SellTradePlus, an Instagram account where you can buy and sell plus size clothing.The Burnt Toast logo is by Deanna Lowe. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit virginiasolesmith.substack.com/subscribe

Claire Lerner knows what its like to go head-to-head with a 3 year old, and she helps parents navigate the challenges of parenting young children every day. Her book, Why Is My Child In Charge, equips parents with the skills they need to end the struggles and begin enjoying this season of parenting. Learn more about Claire Lerner here: https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/ (https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/)

You are exactly the right mom for your kids.  I am so glad to know you.  Find me on Instagram at @everyday_runner_christy Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to this podcast & check out the new website-- www.keepcalmmotheron.com Don't forget to leave a rating or review.  Email me Play4life.Christy@gmail.com  Want to share a family play idea?  Leave a message on SpeakPipe!   Today's Show Notes:  "Your kids need you to be the gentle giant and provide the loving limits." Today Claire Lerner and Ie focused on why parents have trouble with limits--seeing it as love OR limits vs love AND limits. You can find Claire online: https://lernerchilddevelopment.squarespace.com/ https://www.instagram.com/lernerchilddevelopment/   Don't forget to check out her new book: Why is my child in charge?  https://amzn.to/3F5Svj2 (affiliate link)    Self-Care: What do you need to do to get back your evenings with bedtime?  When you learn to be the loving limit center you have the time to take a bubble bath or watch Gilmore Girls.  Family Fun: Have a picnic in the car. or indoors on a blanket on the floor.  Dance in the rain with your kids.    You are exactly the right mom for your kids.  I am so glad to know you.  Find me on Instagram at @everyday_runner_christy Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to this podcast & check out the new website-- www.keepcalmmotheron.com Don't forget to leave a rating or review.  Email me Play4life.Christy@gmail.com  Want to share a family play idea?  Leave a message on SpeakPipe!

Transitions are hard for little kids, and it's not hard to see why: they usually move a kid from something that they're absorbed in and enjoying to something a lot less interesting and fun. In this episode we talk about how to deal with the meltdowns, talking back, and general resistance around transitions, and how to make those moments easier, whether it's a “big picture” transition like starting school, or just time to leave the playground. We talk about Claire Lerner's excellent advice in this episode– check out What Fresh Hell's recent interview with Claire: https://www.whatfreshhellpodcast.com/claire-lerner And here are links to some of the writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode:  Dyan Robson for the CBC: How To Help Kids Who Struggle With Daily Transitions Claire Lerner for PBS Kids: How to Help Your Child Successfully Transition Back to School Special thanks to our sponsors: Hey Honey is the first complete skin care line infused with Honey and Bee Propolis. Get 20% off your first order by going to heyhoney.com and using code FRESH at checkout. Home Chef meals come right to your door with fresh, perfectly pre-portioned ingredients and an easy-to-follow recipe card. For a limited time, go to homechef.com/laughing for $90 off your first month. That's a value of 10 free meals!  Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/laughing to get 10% off your first month of counseling. dosist health offers an advanced assortment of plant-based CBD+ products designed to help address specific needs like, sleep, calm and relief. Use promo code TODDLER20 for 20% off your purchase through 11/30/21 at dosisthealth.com. Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women's fashion, accessories, home decor, children's clothing, and more. You will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Despite all evidence to the contrary, children are not actually out to drive grown-ups insane. But even parents who know better can get triggered when their kids are super-defiant. Claire Lerner is the author of Why Is My Child in Charge? A Roadmap to End Power Struggles, Increase Cooperation, and Find Joy in Parenting Young Children. In this episode, Claire explains the eight mindsets of faulty parenting, and the mindshifts that can help us end the power struggles and reconnect with our kids. Find WHY IS MY CHILD IN CHARGE? in our Bookshop store! Special thanks to all of our sponsors for this month:  Brooklinen's luxurious, high-quality sheets are the ultimate bedding upgrade! Go to brooklinen.com and use the promo code FRESH for $20 off your minimum purchase of $100. Dermafacs cream rejuvenates your skin's texture and fades the appearance of damage or scars in just a few weeks. Go to dermafacs.com/whatfreshhell and use the code whatfreshhell for 15% off. Green Chef's expert chefs design flavorful recipes that go way beyond the ordinary. Go to greenchef.com/laughing125 and use code laughing125 to get $125 off including free shipping.  Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women's fashion, accessories, home decor, children's clothing, and more. Visit jane.com/laughing. KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month at kiwico.com with the code MOTHERHOOD.  Magic Spoon gives you great tasting breakfast cereal that also has the protein your kids need to get through their busy days. Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH and use the code FRESH to get $5 off.  MamaZen is an app that provides a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today from your app store, and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial. Membrasin is the totally natural, estrogen-free, clinically-proven feminine moisture formula. Go to membrasinlife.com to find out more and use the code FRESH10 to get 10% off.  Prose makes custom hair supplements personally tailored to address your specific cause of shedding. Get 15% off your custom hair supplements at prose.com/laughing.   Somfy powered motorized window coverings are a great way to keep your home cool- and they connect to your smart home systems! Visit http://somfysystems.com/podcast.  StoryWorth is an online service that helps your loved ones share stories through thought-provoking questions about their memories and personal thoughts. Get started with $10 off your first purchase at storyworth.com/whatfreshhell.  SuperBeets are a tasty treat that give you caffeine-free, heart-healthy energy. Get a free 30-day supply and free shipping and returns with your first purchase at superbeets.com/fresh. Xocolatti's high quality, delicious chocolates are delivered straight to your door. Go to Xocolatti.com and use the code "MOTHERHOOD" for 15% off.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You have every intention of sticking to your limits, staying calm, and helping your kids through their difficult emotions. But in the heat of the moment, you find yourself giving into their demands, yelling, punishing them, or trying to fix their feelings. While counseling families with children ages six and under, today's guest sought to get to the root of what prevents moms from being the parents they want to be. Join me and Claire Lerner as we talk about making important mindset shifts to be able to respond to our kids more effectively. www.lessdramamoremama.com/160

Today Adam gets to sit down with Claire Lerner. Claire Lerner, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than 18 years, overseeing the development of all parenting educational content. Claire is the author of hundreds of resources for parents and professionals, including curricula on early development and parenting, as well as a podcast and video series. Claire writes a column for PBSparents.org and has also written columns for Parenting: The Early Years and American Baby Magazines. She is frequently quoted in other Parenting publications and has been a source on early childhood development for NPR and numerous national daily newspapers such as The New York Times, Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Los Angeles Times, the Boston Globe and the London Times. Claire has also been a practicing clinician for over 33 years, partnering with parents to understand the behavior and development of their young children. In addition, she provides consultation and training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Resources  Website: lernerchilddevelopment.com; Claire writes a regular blog for PBS Kids for Parents. She is currently writing a book on how it's a change of parental mindsets that unlocks to the key to practicing the positive parenting approaches they aspire to implement Connect with the Guest Twitter: @clairejlerner Linkedin: Claire-Lerner Facebook: Lerner Child Development Connect with Adam If you enjoyed listening to this episode and wanted to share your thoughts you can:    Follow us at @AdamEskow on Instagram and FB   Send us an email at Adam@EskowCoaching.com   Sponsor If you are interested in starting your own podcast, check out www.truthworkmedia.com. We will coach you from conception to iTunes! It's super easy! Go here for more information.