Podcasts about empowered relationship podcast

Jessica is a Licensed Psychologist and Professional Counselor in Colorado with over 20 years of experience and advanced degrees in psychology. She specializes in helping clients transform confusion and heartache into clarity and deep connection. As the founder of Connected Couple, she offers a research-based program for couples at any stage. Jessica conducts video and phone sessions, workshops, and courses to empower individuals and couples. She also hosts the Empowered Relationship Podcast and writes a blog on conscious loving. Contact her here: Website: https://drjessicahiggins.com/ https://www.instagram.com/drjessicahiggins/ https://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship     Additional Resources:

To learn more about our online program that helps couples improve their relationship and embark on a journey of self-discovery and intimacy building, click this link ------------> Purchase Relationship Renovation at Home Online Course.Are you tired of constantly facing conflict in your relationships?Do you struggle to communicate your needs without resorting to criticism or complaints?In this empowering episode, our dynamic hosts EJ and Tarah, alongside the incredible Dr. Jessica Higgins, embark on a transformative journey through the labyrinth of criticism in relationships. Get ready to unlock the secrets to fostering deep understanding, forging unbreakable connections, and nurturing unwavering support!Discover the WHY behind the often pesky presence of criticism in your most cherished relationships. Explore how criticism can sometimes become a stubborn roadblock on the path to secure, loving connections with your partner. Dr. Jessica Higgins, a true luminary in psychology, will draw you into her own personal odyssey, sharing her profound experiences of conquering criticism and wielding it as a mighty tool for effective communication.Through riveting stories and heartfelt anecdotes, she'll guide you through the powerful process of self-inquiry and self-reflection. You'll uncover the hidden emotions lurking beneath the surface, steering criticism's course. And what's more? Dr. Jessica will empower you with the wisdom to provide feedback that nourishes growth and enhances understanding.Learn more about Dr. Jessica HigginsLink to the Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/Empowered Relationship Podcast link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/Website link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/Our Sponsors:* Get $120 Off Across 4 Boxes, Plus Free Shipping at gobble.com/RELATIONSHIPS!Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you constantly feel criticized by your partner in your relationship or you're trapped in your own judgement towards them-  this episode is for you. Kate has a powerful conversation with Dr Jessica Higgins, the host of The Empowered Relationship Podcast - and they unpacks what's causing this cycle, how to reprogram this self-defeating behaviour and how to deepen your intimacy through your triggers with vulnerability.  The number one thing that erodes relationships overtime is overt or covert criticism, and in this episode - you'll learn how to turn your critical patterns into an opportunity for growth.     About the Guest: Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results.  As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection. Website: https://drjessicahiggins.com/  Podcast: Empowered Relationship Podcast with Dr. Jessica Higgins Free Gift: Download Dr. Jessica's free guide "SHIFTING CRITICISM FOR CONNECTED COMMUNICATION" here https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication   Social media links: https://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationshiphttps://www.linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins/https://www.instagram.com/drjessicahiggins/https://in.pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation/https://twitter.com/DrJessHiggins  AVAILABLE COURSE:  Shifting Criticism Into Connected Communication: https://empoweredrelationship.com/shifting-criticism/    About the Hosts: Catherine Danieli is a love and relationship educator helping women heal fear-based relationship patterns so that they can experience radical self love and healthy, extraordinary romantic relationships. She not only cares about helping women find love but learn the skills and tools to make love last. She is incredibly passionate about conscious relationship and empowering people to create healthy relationships in their lives. She believes healthy relationships are what will heal the world. After overcoming her own painful journey through love addiction and codependency, and seeing so many people in pain over love, she has devoted her life to teaching women how to transform, heal and have new experiences in partnership. She works with women 1:1, leads workshops and retreats as well as couples' intensives.  http://www.CatherineDanieli.com 1:1 Work - https://hello.dubsado.com/public/form/view/5efa0d4b1b74266574a0e48e Waitlist for the Invitation   Kate Harlow is the Owner & Creator of The Unscript'd Woman - a mission to liberate women all over the world to throw away the script and create a life that lights up their own soul. She mentors women to have a healthy, thriving relationship within themselves - so they can experience vibrant, expansive, growth based relationships in their lives. Kate has coached and mentored thousands of people for almost 15 years - facilitating life changing love talks, workshops and retreats globally. She's fiercely committed to helping women break free from the old, outdated, fantasy based paradigm of love - so they can experience real, liberated love in every facet of their lives.   Website:  https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/   Kenya Luxury Safari Retreat November 16-23, 2024 https://travelsoulsisters.com/the-kenya-experience   The Immersion in Corfu, Greece  April 26- May 3, 2025 https://www.theunscriptdwoman.com/the-immersion   Thanks for listening! It means so much to us that you listened to our podcast! If you would like to continue the conversation with us, head on over to our Facebook group, the New Truth Movement at https://www.facebook.com/groups/209821843509179/ With this podcast, we are building an international community of The New Truth Movement. If you know someone who would benefit from this message or could be an awesome addition to our community, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. Do you have some feedback or questions about this episode? Leave a note in the comment section below! Follow the podcast If you would like to get automatic updates of new podcast episodes, you can follow the podcast app on your mobile device. Leave us a review We appreciate every bit of feedback to make this a value-adding part of your day. Ratings and reviews from our listeners not only help us improve, but also help others find us in their podcast app. If you have a minute, an honest review on Apple Podcasts goes a long way! Thank You!

Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results.As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection.In this episode, Dr. Jody and Dr. Jessica Higgins talk all about how trauma, birth order, etc. can affect our relationships. This conversation is deep and incredibly informative for all humans in any kind of relationship.https://www.facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationshiphttps://www.linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins/https://www.instagram.com/drjessicahiggins/https://in.pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation/https://twitter.com/DrJessHigginswww.drjessicahiggins.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Do you often feel like you're bearing the emotional burden in your relationship while your partner struggles to express their feelings and handle difficult conversations? If these dynamics sound familiar, you may be navigating the complexities of emotional immaturity in your relationship. Welcome back to the Empowered Relationship Podcast, where we continue our exploration of emotional immaturity and its impact on relationships. If you missed part one of this multi-series, I highly recommend giving it a listen, where we explored five key characteristics of emotional immaturity. In this episode, we're diving deeper into this topic by examining four additional characteristics. From struggles with healthy communication to difficulty engaging in hard conversations and conflicts, we'll unravel the intricacies of emotional immaturity and how it impacts intimate relationships. Join us as we uncover valuable insights to cultivate deeper connections and intimacy with your significant other. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 9:27 Dependency and validation: Key characteristics of emotional immaturity. 13:15 Challenges of emotional engagement and relational depth in emotionally immature relationships. 20:34 Unilateral decision-making and emotional detachment. 23:00 Avoidance, defensiveness, and blame-shifting. 28:10 Communication challenges and manipulative behaviors. Mentioned ​​11 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationships & Ways to Deal Signs of Emotional Immaturity ERP 410: What Are the Signs of Emotional Immaturity in Relationship? Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

Click here to learn more about The Couples Therapist Inner Circle In this episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins talks about dealing with criticism, how to resolve conflict, and healthy communication for couples.  Dr. Jessica Higgins hosts the Empowered Relationship Podcast and you can find out more about her at drjessicahiggins.com The Couples Therapist Couch is the podcast for Couples Therapists about the practice of couples therapy. I'm Shane Birkel and my goal is to bring you interviews with experts in the field of couples therapy. Please subscribe to the podcast for more great episodes. Learn more about joining the Couples Therapist Inner Circle

Are you tired of constantly facing conflict in your relationships?Do you struggle to communicate your needs without resorting to criticism or complaints?In this empowering episode, our dynamic hosts EJ and Tarah, alongside the incredible Dr. Jessica Higgins, embark on a transformative journey through the labyrinth of criticism in relationships. Get ready to unlock the secrets to fostering deep understanding, forging unbreakable connections, and nurturing unwavering support!Discover the WHY behind the often pesky presence of criticism in your most cherished relationships. Explore how criticism can sometimes become a stubborn roadblock on the path to secure, loving connections with your partner. Dr. Jessica Higgins, a true luminary in psychology, will draw you into her own personal odyssey, sharing her profound experiences of conquering criticism and wielding it as a mighty tool for effective communication.Through riveting stories and heartfelt anecdotes, she'll guide you through the powerful process of self-inquiry and self-reflection. You'll uncover the hidden emotions lurking beneath the surface, steering criticism's course. And what's more? Dr. Jessica will empower you with the wisdom to provide feedback that nourishes growth and enhances understanding.Learn more about Dr. Jessica HigginsLink to the Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/Empowered Relationship Podcast link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/Website link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/Relationship Renovation DiscordTo learn more about our online program that helps couples improve their relationship and embark on a journey of self-discovery and intimacy building, click this link ------------> Purchase Relationship Renovation at Home Online Course.Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/he-said-she-said/donationsAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

In today's episode I'm interviewing Dr. Jessica Higgins. Jessica is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and a M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also a certified Dream Builder Coach and Life Mastery Consultant. Jessica offers an integrative and comprehensive blend of psychology and coaching. She specializes in helping couples shift and transform their ways of relating, guiding them on a path from confusion and heartache to clarity and authentic connection. She is also the founder and creator of Connected Couple, a comprehensive, research-based, transformational, relationship program. This program helps couples at any stage in their relationship or marriage. Today we talk about how to achieve new levels of success, meaning, and aliveness in our relationships. From a very young age Jessica had an inclination towards people, and by the time she was in junior high she knew she wanted to become a psychologist. A few years later, after going through her own relationship struggles, she started to go deeper in her own personal journey and felt very inspired and motivated to help people have access to more relationship principles that cultivate lasting love and long-term intimacy. Healthy Relationships Have Health Benefits Studies show that being in a healthy relationship or having a companion in life can actually improve our longevity. Attachment is the emotional connection that we form as infants with our main caregivers. According to this attachment theory, the healthier the bonding and relationship we had with them the better our relationships with other people will be throughout our lives. There are also FMRI studies that show how someone holding the hand of a loved one, like a significant partner, will experience less pain, so there's a sense of resilience when we can have that partnership. There is also evidence of better recovery rates in hospitals when people have significant partners with them. There are so many benefits physiologically and psychologically that we experience from being partnered. From cradle to grave we are wired to need this bonding. It is as necessary as breathing - we need connection. How Relationships and Intimacy Can Trigger Past Trauma We all have an attachment system, meaning the way that we are going to think about others in the world and how people are going to respond to us. It is affected by whether we feel safe and our needs are met. It's intellectual, so our mental thinking and our beliefs, but it's also physiological, like our nervous system, as well as emotional. So, it's really this whole triad in the working model and that gets developed at a very young age. Zero to three are the formative years and it's the relational imprint of you. This comes through the patterning of how people responded to us, if our caregivers were responsive, if they showed up for us when we cried, if they were attuned and available, etc. Or maybe they were overwhelmed or under unfortunate circumstances if there's been abuse in the family lineage. So, if we fast forward, people can have insecure attachment tendencies in adulthood if they didn't get exposure to consistent care givers in childhood. One of the ways this may show up is by being protective. They turn away from relationships, rely on themselves, and not reach out to others for help. When caregiving was inconsistent, another possibility is to be more anxious in relationships and doing more double checking for connection, such as saying “Are we still good, is everything stable, are you still with me?” That's a hypervigilance tendency. For both of these attachment styles, the studies and medical findings show that there's a lot of activation. It doesn't look like it on the outside. It can look a little indifferent, but what's happening inside the person is the heart rates increases and all the physiological symptoms of stress. So, it doesn't feel relaxed and calm and secure when connecting with another person. It's interesting to notice that these activation responses don't occur with all relationships. It tends to occur in our most intimate relationships. The nervous system sees our close relationships as necessary for survival, so one might say the nervous system is going to respond similarly to being chased by a bear. The nervous system might get triggered just as much if, for example, your husband is giving you a look and is upset with you and having an issue with you. So, that threat happens when we are deeply committed, and we get vulnerable, and if the stakes are higher, like having children together. Whatever it is that intensifies that connection is going to affect our nervous system and our attachment system gets more activated. That's when those previous insecurities might emerge and we might be surprised by them. Stages of Intimacy There are various stages in the development of intimacy. The first stage is the romance stage or even referred to as the honeymoon stage, and it's highly fueled by neurochemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin. They get us in that super excited high and we tend to over romanticize, and project and imagine who they are, but we really don't really know them yet. After 9 to 18 months we enter into the second stage, which is the power struggle stage. This is the place where we are like, “oh, that's how you do that?” or feeling the upset of the differences. At this stage we're working on how we understand each other, how we learn what we're both feeling, and how we can work together. But oftentimes many of us don't know how to do conflict very well. Conflict feels threatening, and all these things are emerging, and it can be difficult to sift through. Navigating The Complexity of Conflict One of the biggest traps we can fall into is when we might have certain expectations that aren't being communicated clearly. So, for instance, say there's a heated discussion. Partner A grew up in a family where there was a sense of connection. During a disagreement, it might get a little charged or people might yell but they all know they love each other so they're going to repair to get to a better place. Then there is Partner B, whose family is a group where they're not going to say anything hurtful and they're not going to speak in any tone that has any ounce of upset. They might pause before talking to be more regulated, or sometimes maybe they don't come back, and they don't talk about things at all. We have to recognize these very different orientations to know how to address a conflict. There are 7 to 8 irreconcilable differences that every couple has. That could be ‘the spender' and ‘the saver', ‘the planner' and ‘the spontaneous one', it could be ‘the social one' and ‘the introvert', or it could be ‘the one that's on time' and ‘the one that's always late'. We have to be able to see all these differences when we're living life together and be willing to works towards communicating our needs and trust our partner will do the same. How to Be More Curious When Conflict Feels Like Criticism The core of most disagreements is that people don't feel heard, and then they aren't feeling like they're able to collaborate and work together for a win-win. It is very common for us to describe the thing that we do not like and hope that our partner will be able to interpret and understand what we are feeling and needing. But that's a lot of decoding that most of us do not know how to do. If it's not a clear signal most people are not going to give what you're asking of them. It's not an easy thing to access, but if we can slow down and say “I wonder what he/she is feeling” or “I wonder what he/she needs right now?” because it's not about him/her criticizing me, it's about there's something happening for him/her that he/she wants and I'm not actually hearing it. So, we could prompt our partner to uncover what might really be at the core of it with questions like, “Well what's this about?” or “Can you tell me about what you're wanting?” or “How does this have value for you?” and then hopefully this will reveal the real feeling underneath the perceived criticism. When we express the feeling that is driving our usual first commentary, our partner – if they are the right partner -- will want to show up for that. No one is interested in showing up for a negative critique, but if we can understand what the other person needs, we can then pivot towards that. That's where the win-win starts to come in, but that's hard to get at when we don't slow down and identify and reveal, and then start to work with those deeper layers. Regulating Your Body can Have a Huge Impact on Having Regulated Relationships If we can support the nervous system to feel more regulated, then we can have access to have more productive conversations. Also, if there's past experiences or trauma and we haven't experienced safety in these types of conversations, then it makes perfect sense that there's going to be a lot of activation around perceived conflict. There's a concept in psychology and neuroscience where our nervous systems are constantly harmonizing and picking up information from the people around us. So, if the tone of voice changes or the facial expressions and nonverbals being perceived, we might not know why, but we'll feel the agitation of that before we have an intellectual understanding of why. We could just start to feel things ratcheting up and we might not even have a real awareness around what's really happening. That's where the importance of slowing down comes in, even to allow the nervous system to get regulated before we get into those conversations. How to Deescalate and Find Clarity Jessica finds it is helpful to create a new cycle together because that's going to create more safety and more connection in the communication. Oftentimes we're aware of the secondary emotions, the tendencies of how we might perceive our partner, but that doesn't get at the deeper layer of what is actually happening and the core of why we reacted that way. And so, we really have to work on slowing down to get to understand the deeper layer. When we can get to a place to just say “Oh, I'm acting this way because I feel nervous or scared” and here's what I'm thinking, here's where I want to go, or here's what's happening internally for me. Historically, couples wait too long to access therapy as support. But you don't have to start there. If the conflict is at a low level, if the charge on a scale from 1 to 10 is like a 3 or 4, start with journaling to unpack these difficult emotions. Keep digging deeper. The first layer will most likely be writing about why you believe you are in the right, but then you should keep writing. Why did it make you feel like that? Did it remind you of something else? If you would like to get a good journal and start doing this this you can find one here. Often times even just by having this unfiltered space where no one else but us can dictate what is going on, we can start to soften. This is because we are making ourselves feel heard and starting to come closer to the truth of why we are reacting in a certain way. And once you get closer and practice more with peeling back those layers and getting to that vulnerability that you were hiding, you can see yourself more clearly, and that maybe you were acting out of fear. Then the next step is learning to share that vulnerability with your partner. When your partner responds kindly and openly to your vulnerability is when real intimacy can be built. If the charge is higher on the scale, and there is also a backlog of problems, that's when it's probably time to seek additional support. How Can We Change Patterns Individually to Get Unstuck Together If we realize we want to make a change in our own lives, but we shy away from that change or delay on these types of conversations, while it might feel less conflictual in the moment, it can cause more difficulty in the long term. There's a term in psychology called differentiating in which we can hold on to ourselves when our partner is doing something different or even disagrees with what we're doing, and we can tolerate some of that discomfort and it can actually be highly attractive. So, we should look at change as something that has the potential to be very positive not just for the individual, but for the relationship as well. When you are hiding yourself for the perceived continuation of the relationship, that can start to resemble something closer to enmeshment or codependence. In healthy interdependence, we do rely on each other, but we can also nurture and listen to our own development and our growth. If we can do a little preparation before these conversations that we know might cause some defensiveness or tension, and if we can understand what we're needing or what that deeper request is or desire or what's not working, then we will most likely have much more productive and understanding conversations with our partners. If we can make a reveal of vulnerability and/or a request in a vulnerable way, those conversations are going to happen in a much more productive and efficient way. The Importance of Unconditional Positive Regard for Yourself Our attachments exist on a spectrum. We are not purely anxious or avoidant. So, it can take time and difficulties in relationships before we are ready and have the history to see where we need healing. As you start to get more curious about yourself, you can start to accept what your own patterns are. As you practice this more, you can realize when you are starting to act on a recurring pattern and choose to change it. That decision to change is a scary step into vulnerability, and what you have to remind yourself in those moments, is that no matter what happens with this person, you will always have your own back. Even if that person doesn't choose you after you show them vulnerability, that's okay because you are showing up for that part of yourself that's scared and feeling anxious about being rejected or abandoned. You can say to yourself “I hear you, I see you, I got you.” You will know you are with the right person if these signals or bids of vulnerability are met with a softening and a reciprocal tenderness. Vulnerability is a Risk, But the Reward Can be Beautiful Beyond Measure If you are parenting and you are taking the opportunity to work on these tough and sometimes scary emotions, you will be modeling these steps that are critical for authentic connection and bonds. Children in turn get to see that and it can shift their future relationships and their experience as a human. Being vulnerable is the same as being brave, and can have a ripple effect into future generations, positively affecting the way people build relationships in the future. In neuropsychology there's this idea that we have to ‘name it to tame it', so even just recognizing the intensity of the emotion and giving space for it (even if it's not resolved right at that moment) will help us start to regulate, and then we're in a much better position to deal with it. But if we're not willing to name it, a lot of things can happen and we will do all types of things to hide, to avoid, and to suppress. A lot of injuries happen in relationship and so when we have the tools for healing, it has profound impact on cultivating repair and resilience and health and all the good things. If you want to reach out to Dr. Jessica and learn more about how she can help you, please make sure to check out her website. She is also on social media as @drjessicahiggins (Instagram) and @EmpoweredRelationship (Facebook). You can also check out her Empowered Relationship Podcast. If you want to learn more about how stress and trauma affect us, and how to heal so that you can be better and more present in your relationships, you may want to read my book Master Your Stress Reset Your Health. In the book, I describe what I refer to as SelfC.A.R.E. based on your Stress Type. C stands for Clean Eating, A for adequate sleep, R for recovery activities, and E for exercise. I share the research behind how C.A.R.E. works in a daily routine to help us process stress and overcome trauma. To know your Stress Type, which is your unique cortisol and adrenaline levels based on how stresses have affected your adrenal function, you can take the quiz I developed. You can find the Stress Type® Quiz in the book and on my website. Then, if you're ready to start rebalancing your cortisol and neurotransmitters, to help your adrenals reset after stress exposure, you can start by ordering this home test kit. And you can also sign up for my Stress Warrior Online Program to guide you here. If you're interested in a safe and effective body, mind and spirit detoxification that will actually make you feel better and that you can do without affecting your daily routine, you can check out my New 14-Day Detox Program here. In the Detox Program I teach you to connect with yourself, and use mind-body tools, such as biofeedback, to process emotions. For the most comprehensive support, even with the most difficult health issues (physical or mental), it is best to meet with me one-on-one, which is available to you no matter where you are in the world (via phone or zoom). You can set up a one-on-one appointment with me here. We're here to help you! Connect with Dr. Doni:    Facebook HTTPS://FACEBOOK.COM/DRDONIWILSON   Instagram HTTPS://INSTAGRAM.COM/DRDONIWILSON   YouTube HTTPS://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/DONIWILSONND   Weekly Wellness Wisdom Newsletter: HTTPS://DOCTORDONI.COM/WWW     -   Additional Resources:    If you want to work on your gut health and microbiome you may want to sign up for my Heal Leaky Gut Program (https://doctordoni.com/leaky-gut-program) where I teach you how to heal leaky gut with my proven protocol.    If you're interested in learning more about my approach to healing HPV you can find my new HPV Recovery Guide here (https://doctordoni.com/ddpp/hpv-guide/).    If you are tired of this virus and are really committed to erasing it from your life forever, you can sign up for my Say Goodbye to HPV 12-Week Program here (https://drdoni.lpages.co/hpv-12-week-program/).   You can also sign up for my Stress Warrior Program here (https://doctordoni.com/stress-program).    Also, if you want to learn more about how to recover from stress so that you can get back to feeling your best, you may want to read my book Master Your Stress Reset Your Health (https://doctordoni.com/master-your-stress/). In the book, I also share the quiz I developed to help you identify how stress has affected you specifically by knowing your Stress Type. You can also take this Stress Type Quiz online (https://doctordoni.com/quiz/stress-quiz/)   For the most comprehensive support, even with the most difficult health issues (physical or mental), it is best to meet with me one-on-one, which is available to you no matter where you are in the world (via phone or zoom). You can set up a one-on-one appointment with me here (https://doctordoni.com/work-with-me/)   Disclosure: Some of the links in this post are product links and affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase I will earn a commission at no cost to you. Keep in mind that I link these companies and their products because of their quality and not because of the commission I receive from your purchases. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.  

Are your connections feeling shallow or uninspiring? On today's episode, Dr. Jessica Higgins talks about the power of emotional attunement and how it can transform your relationships. Dr. Higgins, renowned for her work in the field, shares the secrets of truly understanding and communicating our real feelings, taking us beyond just surface-level complaints. Embrace the opportunity to delve into her fascinating journey and valuable findings from her PhD research on couples' therapy.Step inside the world of attachment theory and secure functioning in relationships. Together, we decode the complexities of these constructs, concentrating on the two main insecure attachment patterns - anxious and avoidant. Through the lens of Susan Johnson's research, we illuminate how deep-seated attachment needs, longings, and fears often trigger conflicts in relationships. You'll learn the art of setting boundaries that protect, rather than jeopardize, the security of attachment, backed by the power of empathy, understanding, and collaboration.Finally, we offer a wellspring of guidance on enhancing emotional responsiveness and communication in relationships. You'll gain insights on how to navigate around the blocks to secure attachment, and how to respond to your partner in times of conflict. With advice on everything from delivering an authentic apology to cultivating empathy, we provide tools for you to navigate the intricate dynamics of adult relationships. Be ready to awaken a new understanding of your relationships, and journey towards deeper, more fulfilling connections. Let's dive in!Today's Guest: Dr. Jessica HigginsDr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection.Website: http://drjessicahiggins.com/Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and RelationshipsKimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 200,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.Website: www.kimberlybeamholmes.comThanks for listening!Connect on Instagram: @kimberlybeamholmesBe sure to SUBSCRIBE to the podcast and leave a review!

In this special episode, the Empowered Relationship Podcast deviates from its usual format of interviewing experts to provide dedicated attention to addressing a listener's thought-provoking questions. The question centers around a familiar dynamic often observed in relationships, where one partner finds themselves leaning away from the relationship while the other remains invested and leaning in. Listener's Questions “How do you come to terms in a marriage of holding true to your commitment of loyalty for life, sticking through the "for worse", and being able to trust your judgment at the time you chose your spouse? Specifically the self-blame of trusting yourself on the decision of who to marry, and/or breaking your own promise of being true to your word at the time.” “Understanding wife say I just want to be roommates, we work great as a team co-parenting kids and taking care of the house, and what this means coming on the heels of an affair?” Quick Story “In the initial wake of the revelation, I thought wow I was an awful person as she brought up things I didn't do or when she felt hurt, but through a year of discussions with a psychologist and an independent therapist I realized a lot of these are coming from her insecurities and anxiety and attempts at justifying her affair. I'm not without fault - I was not emotionally available as much as I needed to be for her and during our marriage she felt like I did things that made her feel like she needed to change things about herself in order to be someone who she thought I wanted her to be. (If that makes sense?). I've learned a lot of tools I can use, but a lot of them seem to work within the confines of making the marriage better, but right now she's not there yet. My wife came clean about an emotional affair she had and exhibited all the traits of limerence by blaming me for it, rewriting our history into a negative sentiment override, "I care for you but not in love with you", and now maintains the position that she felt like we were roommates before the affair,  so she wants to keep living like that now while she works on herself. She's been clear that she doesn't want any deeper emotional discussions (unless it's about the past), zero physical affection in any way, no "I love you's" or pet names, etc. We did 5 sessions of MC and got to the point where the counselor said we have a lot of great things between us but if she's not committed to the marriage,  then it'll be hard to do the work. The most striking line he said to my wife was "The problem isn't with your husband, the problem would be with whoever happened to be sitting in this chair. " She acknowledges she's broken, gave too much of herself, and lost who she was as a person, but she's in a highly stressful job and doesn't want to seek a therapist or help on her own, she has said she just needs the space to figure out who she is and what she wants. She seems to want/expect feelings to come back naturally if it's meant to be while we remain in this "friend" state and doesn't want to force things between us. I appreciate the work you do in helping couples and look forward to your podcasts each week.” Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 7:40 Listeners's questions on how to come to terms with unrequited love. 13:57 Coping with the pain and uncertainty of a partner pulling away. 17:00 Identifying the relational cycle and understanding the underlying dynamics in your relationship. 22:47 Embracing ambivalence: Discovering new paths through discernment counseling. 32:34 Rediscovering commitments and finding meaning in marriage. 43:18 The importance of developing fresh approaches to relating with your partner. Dr. Jessica Higgins's Recommendations Disclaimer: Please note that the insights and feedback provided by Dr. Jessica Higgins are based solely on the information provided by the listener. Assumptions have been made regarding the listener's willingness to work on the relationship, the duration of their partnership, and the absence of specific clinical diagnoses. As each individual's circumstances are unique, the guidance offered should be considered general and not personalized advice. Dr. Jessica Higgins will do her best to address the listener's question given the available information. Acknowledge the Pain Discovering that your partner has been unfaithful and witnessing their emotional detachment from the relationship can be an incredibly painful and disorienting experience. It's natural to feel a wide range of emotions, including shock, anger, desperation, and sadness. During this time, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be immensely helpful in processing these emotions and providing stability for both you and your children. Identify the Cycle Together  Understanding the dynamics of your relationship is crucial to finding a way forward. In the aftermath of an affair, it's essential to recognize that there may have been underlying issues and unmet needs that contributed to the breakdown of trust. This might include the experience of limerence, a state of infatuation or fantasy that can cloud judgment and lead to emotional affairs. By exploring these dynamics together, through exercises such as those found in the book "Hold Me Tight," you can gain insight into each other's perspectives and work towards rebuilding trust. Make Room for Ambivalence In situations where one partner expresses a desire to be roommates and wants to focus on personal growth, it's crucial to create space for ambivalence. Discernment counseling, a specialized form of therapy, can be beneficial in helping couples gain clarity and confidence in determining the future of their relationship. This process allows both partners to explore their true desires and intentions while relieving the pressure to make immediate decisions. It also presents an opportunity for individual self-reflection and personal growth. Do Your Work  Throughout this journey, it is vital for both partners to engage in self-reflection and personal growth. This involves examining your own contributions to the relationship dynamics and acknowledging areas where improvement is needed. While it may be tempting to place blame solely on the partner who had the affair, it's important to take responsibility for your own emotional availability and commitment to the relationship. This introspective work can pave the way for creating a healthier and more fulfilling partnership moving forward. Mentioned Hold Me Tight by Dr. Susan Johnson (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) *EFT Therapist Finder Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset in Relationship? ERP 058: Beyond the Wedding. What Is Marriage Really Like? ERP 372: How to Work Together in Relationship for a Strong, Secure Connection — An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin ERP 373: How to Embrace Ambivalence When Making Big Relationship Decisions — An Interview with Rachel Zamore Discernment Counseling Identify The Cycle Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.  

How do we balance being our own person and a unit in relationships? How is desire unlocked by differentiation? Why do we crave closeness even when it can stifle our relationship? We dive in to uncover these secrets with none other than Dr. Jessica Higgins. Dr. Jessica Higgins is a legend. She's the host of The Empowered Relationship Podcast which is one of the longest running relationship-advice podcasts . She's a world-renowned relationship coach, licensed psychologist with her PHd in Clinical Psychology and she is the creator of the Connected Couple.  Dr. Jessica helps couples and individuals transform pain and struggle into deep love, connection, and vitality! In this episode we discuss differentiation, connection and so much more. It's not one to miss! Listen to Dr. Jessica Higgins Empowered Relationship Podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/empowered-relationship-podcast-your-relationship-resource/id969874173 Get in touch with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Link to the Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/ Empowered Relationship Podcast link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Website link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/ Download and discover Couply: https://couply.page.link/podcast --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/couply/message

Join us for a captivating episode where we sit down with Dr. Jessica Higgins, a psychologist and relationship coach with over 20 years of experience, as we delve into the intricacies of human connection and the importance of emotional growth and vulnerability. In this interview, we explore Dr. Higgins' own personal experiences with relationships and trauma, and how they have informed her approach to therapy and personal growth. We discuss the challenges that people often face when seeking help for their relationships, and why it's crucial to prioritize emotional intimacy, vulnerability, and differentiation in any healthy partnership. Dr. Higgins also stresses the importance of striking a balance between togetherness and autonomy, and why confronting past pain and trauma is essential for growth and healing. Whether you're single, in a relationship, or just curious about the dynamics of human connection, this episode is a must-listen to discover the keys to building strong, healthy relationships. Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @drjesshiggins Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/ Empowered Relationship Podcast: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Website: https://drjessicahiggins.com/

097 - Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and a M.A. in Counseling Psychology.Dr. Higgins' Website: https://drjessicahiggins.com/Empowered Relationship Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/empowered-relationship-podcast-your-relationship-resource/id969874173 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dr. Jessica Higgins is the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, check it out here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Dr. Jessica has a free resource available called "Shifting Criticism for Connected Communication" which you can access right here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication Tracy Poizner also offers dad-specific advice for parenting through and around parental alienation and other problems of post-divorce family life via the UnDeletable Dad podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/undeletable-dad/id1592210062 You can find a range of courses and programs at https://undeletabledad.com Reach out to Tracy with comments or questions any time at info@essentialstepmom.com --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/essentialstepmom/message

What can you do to improve your relationship? Dr. Tara is getting your burning relationship questions answered with the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, Dr. Jessica Higgins. Dr. Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. In this episode, Dr. Tara goes deep and asks for answers to common relationship and communication issues. Dr. Jessica Higgins gets to the core of how to understand and repair the damage of small fights in long-term relationships. She discusses the deeper meanings behind the various types of stress finances can cause in happy relationships. Dr. Higgins also reveals the top three tips for couples with communication breakdowns and answers the question; if you are considering breaking up, should you stay or go? We ended with a rapid round of “10 quickies with Dr. Tara.” Listen and learn, my luvs…oh and have an orgasmic day! For more sex and relationship realness, follow me on social media @luvbites.co and subscribe to my juicy newsletter at www.Luvbites.co In this episode: + Relationships and Money Issues + Should I Break Up with Them? + The Effects of Small Fights + Better Sexual Communication Skills+ Relationship Repair + Love and Monogamy + Deeper Relationships + Masculine and Feminine Energy + Relationship Leadership + Polarity and PassionLinks:Follow Dr. Higgins on Instagramhttps://drjessicahiggins.comEddie by Giddy - Natural Erectile Dysfunction and Impotence Treatmenthttps://eddiebygiddy.com/eddiePulse-Luxury Lube Dispenser and Lubricantshttps://lovemypulse.com/Use Code: TARA10 for $10 off*All Rights Reserved. Dr. Tara International Inc.

"Why are you doing it like that?" Whether your criticism is about something as mundane as loading the dishwasher or as complex as managing new relationship energy, poorly timed, unsolicited criticism doesn't actually get us the connection we're longing for. Dr. Jessica Higgins joins us this week to offer clarity on what criticism is really telling us and what we can do to shift our feedback patterns. Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. As the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast, she helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection. Listeners can download Dr. Jessica's free guide “Is Criticism Tearing Your Relationship Apart?” here How ready are you--right now-- to open your marriage? Take this 2 minute quiz and see! Joli offers both private and group coaching for people who want to make their relationships as unique as they are themselves. This is relational psychological individuation work. There's nothing else like it! Apply to work with Joli here

If you've been listening to the Empowered Relationship Podcast, you've probably heard Dr. Jessica Higgins talk about criticism and how it affects relationships. The goal here is to collaborate with your partner to co-create a fulfilling and passionate relationship. However, leading with criticism can make you or your partner feel defensive or attacked, diverting the entire communication to this criticism defensive loop. In this episode, Dr. Higgins answers some listener and reader questions about criticism, along with some illustrations to help explain it further. As with many of these podcasts, these are not comprehensive responses, but they do provide some food for thought. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. Listeners' questions: 8:44 “I'd be interested if you have any thoughts or perhaps a podcast around how we listen with or for criticism. I think we sometimes hear what we are feeling in ourselves. Just a thought.” 15:21 “I appreciate this content—it is helpful. However, I am confused about whether you should not help your partner become a better person. Please address this.” 25:28 “I am critical of a part of my girlfriend's body that cannot be changed and don't want to end the relationship, but it causes me great anxiety. [I] don't want to leave the relationship, but it is something that may never go away for me internally and it's making me very unhappy. I really like her in so many other ways and [I] hate this. Do I stay or do I go?” 28:24 “Dr. Higgins. My wife is constantly criticizing me. She never has anything nice to say to me or any praise for anything I do to try and make her happy. Never says thank you or shows any sign of affection to me. It is to a point where I wish I could stop treating her with love and dish out the same stuff she gives me, but I just can't be like that. I have tried to tell her I would like it ever so often if she could reciprocate the kindness and love I show her, but it is like she doesn't care about my feelings. We are both in our sixties, and I just don't think I have the energy to leave this marriage and find someone I can build a new, better relationship with. Plus, I really love her and leaving would be a hard blow to our family. How far do I go?” 35:05 “I have read a lot of articles over the years about this particular issue – criticism, as there is a lot of conflict over this issue in my marriage of 30 years. I feel that I have had to try to exist in a bit of a dysfunctional vacuum, where the fact that her father was an alcoholic, was not allowed to be discussed or acted upon in a way that was healthy for our own family which we were establishing together. If I raised the issue of her father's behaviour (who is a very charming but also a very manipulative man), or how that might have affected the way she and I relate and communicate, my efforts were labelled as “critical”. I tried over the years, many different approaches to these communications, but they generally ended in the same way, namely in an argument, resulting in her withdrawing herself from me, for a few days, then her cooling off and eventually her acknowledging the problem and apologising, but only so that the conflict could end. Unfortunately, this apology was forgotten a week later, and we often found ourselves in the same place a month or two later. I called it Groundhog Day, because of the familiar cycle. My wife appeared to be prepared to do anything to avoid the accountability of acknowledging, communicating about and addressing the dysfunctional behaviour within her own family, and with it, avoiding accountability for her own denial of her own behaviour. This repetitive cycle eventually became a power struggle, in which her final weapon was to doubt our marriage, and my character, and whether she could remain in the marriage. It was an ultimatum that if I chose to raise these ‘uncomfortable” issues, I would have to face that I was not important enough to her, for her to authentically discuss or address these issues. Part of the behaviour I have consistently observed is her extreme avoidance of conflict (which was the same way her father avoided any scrutiny for his own behaviour). My question is, when there is a problematic (dysfunctional) behaviour, that needs to be addressed between a couple, and despite every effort to raise the issue constructively, empathetically, gently, using I words etc etc the communication seems to deteriorate, because the real motivation is to avoid the issue altogether and hope it disappears into “fantasy land”. The excuse is that the avoidance is justified because the communication is critical in nature, and while I know that some people view all criticism as problematic, surely there is necessary constructive criticism that is not directed as a “character flaw” of another person?” Mentioned Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication (free guide) Shifting Criticism – Empowered Relationship (course) How to Know If You Are Too Critical in Relationship & Why (article) https://drjessicahiggins.com/criticism-reconnect/ (podcast, articles on the topic of criticism) https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-177-how-to-offer-comfort-to-your-significant-other/  (podcast) https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-178-how-to-offer-comfort-to-your-significant-other-part-two/ (podcast) The Gottman Institute Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

In this powerful episode, we cover communication strategies to help you connect with the person you love when you're hurt, how to avoid criticism, and give you practical tools to help you convey your upsets in a way your partner is likely to hear. No one gets into a relationship to have blowout fights with their partner. In this episode, we cover what is beneath the conflicts you and your partner have, and how to communicate so you feel safe and heard by one another. Other topics covered include: How to stop cycles of disconnection What attachment means How attachment impacts conflict How childhood impact our attachment How childhood experiences affect our deep love relationships What gets activated when we get upset in relationships How criticism hurts relationships How criticism hurts conversations How to talk about your hurts without criticism Prompts to help you figure out what is upsetting you How to understand conflict patterns in relationships How to set up a heart-to-heart conversation To get Dr. Jessica Higgins' FREE GUIDE on criticism here: https://drjessicahiggins.com/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication Dr. Jessica Higgins' website https://drjessicahiggins.com/ Empowered Relationship Podcast https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ This podcast is for informational purposes only.

In Episode 40, Marissa is joined by Dr. Jessica Higgins, host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast. They will be discussing resentment in our relationships- both human and canine. Dr. Jessica Higgins holds two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results. She helps people navigate the terrain of long-lasting intimacy more skillfully and mindfully. Through her coaching and online course, clients transform pain into love and connection. That type of connection can be found in all relationships. Many pet parents experience resentment from time to time. What can we do to be proactive in our relationships and heal from resentment?

To commemorate the 300th episode of the Empowered Relationship Podcast here's a special episode for you all! Since the premiere episode in 2015, our goal has been to help people feel more prepared and, as a result, set their relationships up for success by encouraging them to invest in the strength of their connection rather than second-guessing their partner choice. Learn how couples can shift into safer, more positive, and more connected patterns of relating as she discusses key findings out of a landmark relationship science study that was published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, which was first-authored by Samantha Joel. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 08:08 What constitutes a successful relationship, and why do some relationships thrive more than others? 16:06 Top relationship characteristics that most accurately predict a person's happiness. 30:00 Five personal attributes that can help predict a person's happiness. Mentioned A landmark study shows what makes a successful relationship Machine learning uncovers the most robust self-report predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal couples studies Dr. Susan Johnson's website Gottman Institute Julie Gottman's wikipedia page Samantha Joel's citations on Google Scholar Podcast Rocket's website ERP 297: How to Enhance Emotional Intimacy in Your Relationship – An Interview with Amber Dalsin ERP 274: How Increasing Relationship Love & Health Can Impact Borderline Personality Disorder – An Interview with Gabrielle Usatynski ERP 169: What to Do When Depression Takes Hold in Your Relationship, with Dr. Susan Heitler ERP 166: How Perfectionism And Depression Affect You And Your Relationship – with Dr. Margaret Rutherford ERP 015: Do You Have a “Unity” or “Journey” Mindset In Relationship? Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, we are going through a laser coaching session. I speak to Vanessa and support her to refocus regarding her connection with her partner. One of the things that she is challenged with is getting stuck in the logical, analytical space where she weighs the pros and the cons in examining her relationship. Although this can be helpful occasionally, it can also get us in a holding pattern, where we go back and forth and don't get clear on the right path to take. In this laser coaching session with Vanessa, I help her access her emotions and recognize the parts of her relationship where she feels discontent and pain. When we have a void in our lives it can lead to a holding pattern in a relationship, but equally when we overanalyze our feeling it often keeps us from really being vulnerable and accessing the emotional deeper longing and discontent. One of the aspects that I'm intentionally trying to focus on in my coaching capacity is to help people access parts in themselves that they often don't slow down enough to connect with. We want to find the space to access the parts of ourselves that we might deny, repress or ignore so that we can explore them. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 04:50 How we can work together with our partner to resolve the differences in the relationship 07:07 Vanessa describes why she feels she and her boyfriend are in a holding pattern 08:53 We discuss Vanessa's internal list of pros and cons of her relationship and she shares the big-ticket items that she has discontent around 12:25 Lack of a depth of connection where Vanessa and her partner feel together, and why she feels like she can't currently lean on him 16:03 Why keeping busy masks issues and can prevent us from discussing significant issues in our relationships 18:44 The problem of feeling lonely in your relationship and Vanessa's reflections on how to resolve the issue 22:43 We discuss why planning for the future is a problem in Vanessa's relationship and why she is stuck in the analytic phase 26:05 I connect with the pain that Vanessa is feeling that is prompting her to question her relationship 27:00 Why it can be so hard to get clear when we're trying to figure our relationship out from an intellectual place 29:53 We don't get enough support or emphasis around how much this means to us on a nervous system level on a human survival level, to feel that responsiveness from our partner, to feel that engagement, to feel their availability 32:56 Finding someone who aligns with the things that are important to her is what Vanessa values in a relationship 42:58 Why I would strongly encourage working with the principles around Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) when you are feeling at a standstill in a relationship 50:39 The importance of getting outside our heads when evaluating our relationships Mentioned ERP 273: How To Handle The Concern Of Vulnerability Not Working In Relationship ERP 262: How Do I Know When My Relationship Has Reached An End ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability ERP 115: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability – Part Two ICEEFT Find A Therapist Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, Dr. Ian Kerner and I discuss what a ‘sex script' is and why it can help couples achieve intimacy by rewriting our sex script. He shares his insights into why these sex scripts are not only based on physical behaviors and describes how he helps couples understand that psychological arousal begins with our minds. We dive into the details of why Dr. Kerner has been a longtime advocate for a new paradigm of sexual pleasure for heterosexual couples, focused around clitoral stimulation rather than the previous procreative model of sex. Dr. Kerner explores why the core of the orgasm gap between men and women is down to the differences in how men and women experience the plateau phase in the process of sexual response. We also discuss how getting into a state of ‘neutral entrainment,' when you're relaxed and in the moment and feeling the erotic heat being generated, helps foster a sensual connection.  Ian Kerner, Ph.D., LMFT, is the co-leader of the sex therapy program at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy and contributes regularly on the topic of sex for CNN. He is the New York Times best-selling author of She Comes First (Harper Collins), which has been translated into more than a dozen languages, and he maintains a private practice in NYC dedicated to honoring the centrality of sexuality in his patients' lives. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 07:32 How psychological arousal relates to sexual intimacy  08:28 Why couples in long term relationships often develop a ‘sex script' over time  12:51 Recognition that psychological arousal is a key component of sexual satisfaction 14:06 Why anticipation is an integral part of psychological excitement and how tapping into our erotic imaginations and fantasies helps get us going 18:42 Reciprocity is elemental for our sense of bonding, particularly when we're talking about intimacy and the vulnerability around reaching that authentic sexual place  26:06 The element of play and being able to express sexual fantasy in recreating your sexual script 32:37 How to move from the shallow end in these conversations about sexual fantasy and drift further in so that we don't get fearful and anxious about the process of connecting sexually 35:57 Dr. Kerner's tips to help someone safely explore to open up more capacity and let go of their sexual rigidity 37:44 Introducing the idea of sexual exploration without pressure 41:50 Shifting from intercourse to outercourse and creating a sex script that adds and rearranges the right elements for us as a couple  43:15 How to find out more about Dr. Ian Kerner and get ahold of his latest book So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives Mentioned So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex: Laying Bare and Learning to Repair Our Love Lives (*Amazon Link) She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (*Amazon Link) Connect with Dr. Ian Kerner Website: iankerner.com   Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, you'll hear Dr. Betty Martin really inviting the practice of slowing down and exploring not only our partner's needs, but equally as importantly, our own needs. We discuss how her work as a sex educator and her exploration of somatic-based therapy inspired her to create her Wheel of Consent framework, which illustrates that when we're sexual, we move between four different zones.  Dr. Betty will step us through the four zones of the wheel and gives examples to illustrate the practice of taking turns giving and receiving pleasure. She shares her insights into negotiating boundaries and sets the stage for having a productive conversation about your needs with your partner. Dr. Betty also explores why we start your experience outside the bedroom fully clothed rather than with genital touch and describes where to find additional resources that will help us open the gateway to emotional and spiritual fluency. Dr. Betty Martin has been working with people professionally for over 40 years. She was a Chiropractor for 30 years and upon retiring from that practice, became a certified Surrogate Partner, Sacred Intimate, and Somatic Sex Educator. Her explorations in somatic-based therapy and practices informed her creation of the framework, The Wheel of Consent®. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 08:16 The framework of the Wheel of Consent and what got Dr. Betty interested in creating it 13:45 The practice of taking turns and respecting boundaries and how that helps you understand your own physical needs  16:22 Why it's so uncommon for couples to be connected into different roles and often forget to be explicit about wanting to make love 18:00 Tips on using the Wheel of Consent and laying the groundwork for giving your partner the gift of touch with a full heart  20:58 Unlike your regular sexual play, you should take time to negotiate what you need and incorporate pauses to ensure everyone is comfortable  22:16 This is a practice that you keep coming back to it over and over, but you start on the couch and don't include genital touch until you played it 20 or 30 times, or you'll get right back into the same habits that produced the same results before  24:06 Why saying no allows you to say yes 33:41 Dr. Betty explains things that see people typically work through that gives them some insight into current challenges  37:25 The model allows people to come in contact with their guilt and fear of rejection — Dr. Betty describes what she recommends for people as they confront their somatic pain 39:29 What you expect as an outcome of fully engaging with the Wheel of Consent process Mentioned Dr. Betty Martin Website  Dr. Betty Martin Instagram The Wheel of Consent Instagram Body Electric School The 3-Minute Game by Harry Faddis The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin, with Robyn Dalzen * Amazon Link Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, my guest, a neuroscientist known only as Dr. L, joins the show to support us in understanding limerence, what it is and how to negotiate the experience. He describes how his motivation for starting his blog and online community was rooted in his own unexpected experience of limerence after a long period of contented life as a husband. Dr. L shares his fascination with the underlying neuroscience behind limerence and his hopes that he can support other people to make sense of their experience of limerence from that perspective. Dr. L gives us his one-sentence working definition of what exactly limerence is and how it differs from a crush. Limerence is linked with big swings in mood, where an individual moves rapidly between a sense of euphoria and deep lows, depending on how they currently perceive their relationship with the other person. We also dive into what type of person may be more prone to unrequited love and the three elements that have to be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them. This week's guest expert, Dr. L, blogs on his site Living with Limerence under a pseudonym so he can be fearlessly frank. In his everyday life, Dr. L is a neuroscientist passionate about helping people understand what's going on in their traitor brains and reprogram themselves into leading more purposeful lives. He wants to explain what limerence is, how it affects us psychologically and emotionally, and how to devise practical ways to master it and integrate it into life in a healthier way. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 05:16 Dr. L's personal experience of limerance and why he was inspired to start his blog 08:04 A working definition of limerance 14:40 The difference between a crush or the beginning of a romantic relationship and limerence 17:44 Why a distinguishing factor of limerance is the ability to function, socialize, or really engage in all the activities of a thriving life 19:29 The three elements that must be present to go from being attracted to another person to being limerent for them 23:31 The glimmer and hope, and then the uncertainty — and why that intermittent reinforcement makes you feel as if you're addicted to someone 28:32 The characteristics of people who are a little bit more susceptible to limerance and the extra insight provided by the Myers Briggs type indicator 35:17 Why the relationship between limerence and attachment is so complex 42:53 The benign neglect that often happens in a marriage and why limerence can be the result of an unconscious feeling that something is missing in your marriage or partnership 45:58 Dr. L's recommendations for people in limerence and how you can give yourself the empowerment of converting your rich inner world to something healthy and beneficial Mentioned Love and Limerence: The Experience Of Being In Love book by Dorothy Tennov *Amazon Link Living with Limerence: A Guide for the Smitten book by Dr L *Amazon Link NeuroSparkle blog Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

On today's episode of The Empowered Relationship Podcast, I welcome Dr. Jeanne Michele, who gives her valuable insights into strengthening a relationship after an affair. We discuss the landscape of long-term intimacy, why the challenges we face can help us discover opportunities for personal and relational growth, and how we engage and co-create with our significant other in that relationship growth. Dr. Jeanne shares her experience of where disconnect can occur in relationships when we withhold our feelings and how we can avoid getting to that stage with our partner. We dive into what kind of changes people can make in their relationships to rebuild trust after infidelity and how to initiate courageous conversations to create positive impact. Opening ourselves up emotionally can make us feel vulnerable, but it is vital to move past hurt and pain into a connected future.  Dr. Jeanne Michele designs and delivers personalized programs to men, women, and couples to help them create lives, relationships, and business partnerships that thrive. She is passionate about helping people create extraordinary relationships and lives. Her work immediately addresses crises, such as infidelity, grief, and lack of life direction, as well as the day-to-day challenges faced by couples and individuals seeking love, recovering from heartache, and those seeking greater clarity in their home and business lives. Individuals and couples experiencing a love or identity crisis find that working with Dr. Jeanne provides immediate relief and gives them the tools to create lasting change. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 06:52 What made Dr. Jeanne turn towards the issue and challenge of infidelity in relationships 09:52 What rebuilding trust and forging new connections can look like after infidelity — and how having those courageous conversations can be challenging after deal-breaker situations  12:11 Shining a light on a deficiency or discontent in a relationship can expose issues that need to be addressed and explored.  14:45 The three fundamental needs that should be fulfilled in a relationship  18:03 Why it's helpful to highlight the masculine dynamic and historical development when discussing the underlying causes of emotional connections or affairs outside the primary bond  31:07 Understanding the feminine need to be seen and to be validated and the inner conflict that comes when boundaries are crossed  34:39 Dr. Jeannie gives her tips on specific language to use when starting a courageous conversation about potential infidelity with a partner and why having those conversations can have a long term beneficial impact 37:46 Why baring yourself honestly and authentically helps you to connect with your spouse 41:15 Why courageous conversations and even relational-emotional hygiene help build trust in a relationship 44:43 How Dr. Jeanne supports couples to do the repair work and navigate the journey of recovering from an injury like infidelity 48:45 How to connect with Dr. Jeanne Michele and download her free ebook Mentioned Helping Couples Heal Website Helping Couples Heal Podcast Living & Loving Courageously Website Dr Dan Siegel's Website Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

The Nice Guy Syndrome has become the norm for so many men. Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy," comes on today's show to tell us how to unlearn this passive-aggressive persona, overcome sexual shame, and enjoy healthier relationships. Dr. Robert Glover shares his own history of living as a Nice Guy and the breaking points that told him enough is enough. He has spent over 30 years helping men and women get the love, sex, and life they want. His groundbreaking books, classes, podcasts, and seminars have helped form the foundation for a growing world-wide men’s movement. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode:  02:42 Dr. Jessica Higgins revisits the Empowered Relationship Podcast intention to achieve long-lasting intimacy. 07:00 Introduction to Dr. Robert Glover and the "Nice Guy Syndrome." 10:20 Unpacking "Covert Contracts" and the paradigm of the Nice Guy 14:49 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Anxiety, shame, passive-aggressive behavior. Dr. Glover explains that this begins as an infant's precognitive response to pain that gets carried into adulthood. 23:23 No More Mr. Nice Guy teaches that there is a better alternative to the "default" roadmap of Nice Guys: Fear of confrontation, agreeing too much, and the inability to take a clear stand. 32:15 Nice Guys mindsets on expectations and attraction, including passive-aggressive behavior, are fundamentally flawed. 37:09 Pushing down wants and needs leads to problems with intimacy, living fantasy worlds, and porn. Too often, Nice Guys assume that they have to conceal their interest in a girl due to their sexual shame. 43:17 Tips and strategies: Dr. Glover gives practical advice so Nice Guys can take control and be honest with themselves. 52:41 How to contact Dr. Robert Glover   Mentioned robert@drglover.com Dr. Robert Glover's Website No More Mr Nice Guy Homepage Dating Essentials For Men Get your own copy of at No More Mr. Nice Guy at Amazon Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!    

Today we're going to be talking about how criticism is destructive to any relationship and I brought on my friend Dr. Jessica Higgins from the Empowered Relationship Podcast to help us discuss exactly how criticism can ruin your relationship. I felt this was an extremely relevant topic since we've found that roughly half of our success […] The post How Criticism Is Destructive To Any Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

Today we’re going to be talking about how criticism is destructive to any relationship and I brought on my friend Dr. Jessica Higgins from the Empowered Relationship Podcast to help us discuss exactly how criticism can ruin your relationship. I felt this was an extremely relevant topic since we’ve found that roughly half of our success […] The post How Criticism Is Destructive To Any Relationship first appeared on Ex Boyfriend Recovery- Let's Get Your Ex Back.

With two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results, Dr. Jessica Higgins offers guidance and support through the way of coaching, programs and the Empowered Relationship Podcast. Her ultimate goal is to help people acquire the insight, learning, and practice to navigate the terrain of intimacy more effectively, so that pain and struggle can be transformed into deep love, connection, and vitality. Experience the moment where Dr. Higgins decided to surrender to grief. Not only did she allow herself to move through the pain of losing 'the one', she discovered a path to the most important relationship work of her entire life. Get a free Relationship Map to Happy, Lasting love here. Follow Dr. Higgins on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, LinkedIn and Twitter. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/brokenhearted/message

Whether you’re talking about love or work, there is always a constant – relationships. Sometimes we can’t live with ’em, AND we really can’t live without ’em. Really, it all boils down to us, for we are the one big constant in all of this relating … right? I begin with a humbling tale of my own self-discovery on a Sunday at Berkeley Bowl, one of the more popular and crowded grocery stores here in the Bay Area. A meltdown led to a breakthrough in how I communicated my needs, and the assumptions I jumped to. Not proud of this … but I learned a lot, so I thought I’d share. My wonderful guest is Dr. Jessica Higgins, a psychologist who helps couples stay healthy in their marriages. She is also the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast. She shared so many great ideas about how to stay happy in love … Among other things, I learned: The REAL reason we bicker and argue Why we struggle with communications – especially with people we love How our relating is changing in the era of Big Tech The power of being triggered How to handle being attacked emotionally What men struggle with in relationships How long it takes to breathe your way back from engaging in a fight RESOURCES Empowered Relationship Podcast Jessica’s Website MORE ABOUT JESSICA Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor in the state of Colorado. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and a M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also a certified Dream Builder Coach and Life Mastery Consultant. Dr. Jessica Higgins is also the founder and creator of Connected Couple, which is a comprehensive, research-based, transformational, relationship program. This program helps couples at any stage in their relationship or marriage. With two graduate degrees in psychology, two coaching certifications, and over 20 years of experience helping clients achieve successful results, Jessica offers you an integrative and comprehensive blend of psychology and coaching all in one.

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Psychologist and Relationship Coach, who helps people acquire the insight, learning, and practice to navigate the terrain of intimacy more effectively. She created Connected Couple, which is a comprehensive, transformational, relationship program, and is the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast which inspires, motivates, and guides people into more evolved ways of loving.

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Licensed Psychologist and Relationship Coach. Her ultimate goal is to help people acquire the insight, learning, and practice to navigate the terrain of intimacy more effectively. Jessica is the founder and creator of Connected Couple, which is a comprehensive, research-based, transformational, relationship program. She is also the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast which inspires, motivates, and guides individuals and couples into more empowered, conscious, and evolved ways of loving. Guiding Principle, Quote, or Mantra Getting outside of myself to find that deep, inner connection. When You “Tripped Up” in Partnership Back in the early 2000’s Jessica was in a relationship where they were both very attracted to each other, shared a lot of chemistry, and both thought that they found the one. About 18 months in they started to experience some challenge together. Jessica would always try to negotiate by explaining. She was unpacking her message but it wasn’t coming from a very authentic, vulnerable state of mind. It was more of a justification, rationalization state of mind. Find out what happened next by listening to the podcast. Proudest Moment In Partnership Two to three years ago Jessica was asked to do a keynote presentation about the developmental stages of relationships. She was trying to provide an experience of being in a relationship and being in the opposition so that people could truly feel the flow. They did an exercise to demonstrate. With this exercise, most people have the automatic fight, flight, or freeze response. When they were doing this it sent Jessica back to remembering when the guy she was in a relationship with was scared during their vicious cycle. Find out how it all comes together by listening to the podcast. What’s Best Partnership Advice You Have Ever Received? Taking full responsibility. Best Partnership Resource Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Sue Johnson Interview Links - Her Website Empowered Relationship Podcast Susan Johnson's Therapy - EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) Relationship Map Twitter Facebook

In the Empowered Relationship Podcast episode 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship, I talked about we often get caught in the belief that being in relationship requires us to give over of ourselves in an attempt to seek relationship harmony. Yet, when we do this, we can lose touch with ourselves, our passion, and our desires. David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage talks about “Emotionally fused couples.” He explains that they “are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There’s room for only one opinion, one position, differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people.”   In episode 110, I talked about the importance of holding priority for both needs…autonomy and intimacy in relationship. Yet, we typically do not have a model of how to grow ourselves (autonomy) while growing in relationship (intimacy). Intellectually, we may understand that both needs are important…the need for autonomy and the need for intimacy. But in practice, we struggle balancing these two seemly conflictual needs. Though, the struggle is part of our development. The process of growing, maturing, and evolving us. In episode 110, I also talked about two different approaches in the field of couples work. One is to help the individual become more differentiated. “Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage. Through the process of self validation “that’s when you don’t expect your partner to validate or accept what you disclose. You validate yourself as you show your partner who you really are.”  By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage  The other is to help couples create a more secure emotional connection, so that they can feel more trust, care, and safety within their partnership. This safety allows for more vulnerability and authentic sharing, which in turn creates more connection. The main difference between these approaches is the need for safety in the relationship dynamic. One approach focuses on self-soothing and self-validating, so that a partner can express himself/herself more authentically and vulnerability. This in turn cultivates more passion and connection. While the other approach focuses on creating safety between partners to allow for more vulnerable sharing, which in turn creates more intimacy and connection. Through my dissertation research, I speculated that it may be important to first create a solid, safe foundation in relationship to then take more risks of self-expression and self-validating. While these two approaches are different in their focus, they have several similar aspects. Let’s address the desire to feel seen, understood and validated. We all want to feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we truly are. Yet, the path of seeking validation can be fraught with great difficulty. “We’re driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we’re after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile….Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back way from it.”  By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage It may be important to note there is a subtle difference between the intention to seek intimacy verses to seek validation. Seeking validation is more about approval and okayness. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) IS IT OKAY TO WANT VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER? If you do not know you are worthy and acceptable, it may be incredibly healing to have your partner remind you of your goodness. AND are you continuously relying on your partner’s validation to source your self-esteem? Or are you doing your inner work to grow yourself? To answer the question “Is it okay to want validation from your partner?,” it may be important to look at a few aspects within yourself first. These questions address HOW you are going about seeking validation and seeking intimacy: Are you wanting your partner to be responsible for your experience? (“You didn’t agree with me. I feel small and inadequate. It is your fault that I feel insecure. Can you see how you made me feel low?”) Or are you clear that you are seeking validation? (“I am feeling a lot of self-doubt. Can you help me? Would you be willing to point out some strengths that I might be overlooking about myself or the situation? (ownership) Are you willing to look at your discomfort and pain to have greater understanding of what your issue is about? Asking yourself what gets brought up in you in this situation, may help you see with is going on at the core. If you do not look within, you are likely going to miss a great opportunity to learn something powerful about yourself and you will probably project on your partner. And your partner will not have an opportunity to really be with you and connect with what is real within you. (vulnerability) Are you willing to let your partner really see you fully? Usually, we want our partner to look at what they did wrong to hurt or offend us. It is a much more vulnerable thing to look at why this is a tender spot for you or what insecurity it brings up in you, AND then to share it with your partner. (transparency) “Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re “losing themselves,” and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered, They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still “know who they are.” They don’t have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self.” By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage 4 KEYS TO SEEKING VALIDATION AND INTIMACY: 1. Safety 2. Ownership (Responsibility) 3. Vulnerability (authenticity) “Vulnerability here does not mean the act of being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And that is why it might seem scary.”  By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy  4. Transparency: “The truth is that when we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. “We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth,” says Brown. “We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.” Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same.” By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy  PRACTICE STEP: How can you would will one of the 4 Keys this week (safety, ownership, vulnerability, transparency? MENTIONED: Passionate Marriage (book) Brené Brown (website) Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä  What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 111: Is It Okay To Want Validation From Your Partner? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.