Podcasts about connected couple

Some of our most vital connections are those we make with our romantic partners, but they can also be our most challenging. This week, host Paula Felps is joined by Greg Kettner, relationship expert Dr Gloria Lee, a professor of counselling psychology and clinical director at Brentwood Counselling Centre in Vancouver, Canada, and author of the best-selling book, The Connected Couple: 7 Secrets to Transforming Your Relationship. She explains what it takes to truly connect as a couple, how to navigate conflict for greater connection and shares a gratitude practice that can change your entire relationship.  In this episode, you'll learn: Why we need to learn our triggers and conflict habits. Tips for de-escalating conflict. Why women are more comfortable seeking therapy — and what men are often surprised to discover.

In today's episode I'm interviewing Dr. Jessica Higgins. Jessica is a Licensed Psychologist and Licensed Professional Counselor. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and a M.A. in Counseling Psychology. She is also a certified Dream Builder Coach and Life Mastery Consultant. Jessica offers an integrative and comprehensive blend of psychology and coaching. She specializes in helping couples shift and transform their ways of relating, guiding them on a path from confusion and heartache to clarity and authentic connection. She is also the founder and creator of Connected Couple, a comprehensive, research-based, transformational, relationship program. This program helps couples at any stage in their relationship or marriage. Today we talk about how to achieve new levels of success, meaning, and aliveness in our relationships. From a very young age Jessica had an inclination towards people, and by the time she was in junior high she knew she wanted to become a psychologist. A few years later, after going through her own relationship struggles, she started to go deeper in her own personal journey and felt very inspired and motivated to help people have access to more relationship principles that cultivate lasting love and long-term intimacy. Healthy Relationships Have Health Benefits Studies show that being in a healthy relationship or having a companion in life can actually improve our longevity. Attachment is the emotional connection that we form as infants with our main caregivers. According to this attachment theory, the healthier the bonding and relationship we had with them the better our relationships with other people will be throughout our lives. There are also FMRI studies that show how someone holding the hand of a loved one, like a significant partner, will experience less pain, so there's a sense of resilience when we can have that partnership. There is also evidence of better recovery rates in hospitals when people have significant partners with them. There are so many benefits physiologically and psychologically that we experience from being partnered. From cradle to grave we are wired to need this bonding. It is as necessary as breathing - we need connection. How Relationships and Intimacy Can Trigger Past Trauma We all have an attachment system, meaning the way that we are going to think about others in the world and how people are going to respond to us. It is affected by whether we feel safe and our needs are met. It's intellectual, so our mental thinking and our beliefs, but it's also physiological, like our nervous system, as well as emotional. So, it's really this whole triad in the working model and that gets developed at a very young age. Zero to three are the formative years and it's the relational imprint of you. This comes through the patterning of how people responded to us, if our caregivers were responsive, if they showed up for us when we cried, if they were attuned and available, etc. Or maybe they were overwhelmed or under unfortunate circumstances if there's been abuse in the family lineage. So, if we fast forward, people can have insecure attachment tendencies in adulthood if they didn't get exposure to consistent care givers in childhood. One of the ways this may show up is by being protective. They turn away from relationships, rely on themselves, and not reach out to others for help. When caregiving was inconsistent, another possibility is to be more anxious in relationships and doing more double checking for connection, such as saying “Are we still good, is everything stable, are you still with me?” That's a hypervigilance tendency. For both of these attachment styles, the studies and medical findings show that there's a lot of activation. It doesn't look like it on the outside. It can look a little indifferent, but what's happening inside the person is the heart rates increases and all the physiological symptoms of stress. So, it doesn't feel relaxed and calm and secure when connecting with another person. It's interesting to notice that these activation responses don't occur with all relationships. It tends to occur in our most intimate relationships. The nervous system sees our close relationships as necessary for survival, so one might say the nervous system is going to respond similarly to being chased by a bear. The nervous system might get triggered just as much if, for example, your husband is giving you a look and is upset with you and having an issue with you. So, that threat happens when we are deeply committed, and we get vulnerable, and if the stakes are higher, like having children together. Whatever it is that intensifies that connection is going to affect our nervous system and our attachment system gets more activated. That's when those previous insecurities might emerge and we might be surprised by them. Stages of Intimacy There are various stages in the development of intimacy. The first stage is the romance stage or even referred to as the honeymoon stage, and it's highly fueled by neurochemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin. They get us in that super excited high and we tend to over romanticize, and project and imagine who they are, but we really don't really know them yet. After 9 to 18 months we enter into the second stage, which is the power struggle stage. This is the place where we are like, “oh, that's how you do that?” or feeling the upset of the differences. At this stage we're working on how we understand each other, how we learn what we're both feeling, and how we can work together. But oftentimes many of us don't know how to do conflict very well. Conflict feels threatening, and all these things are emerging, and it can be difficult to sift through. Navigating The Complexity of Conflict One of the biggest traps we can fall into is when we might have certain expectations that aren't being communicated clearly. So, for instance, say there's a heated discussion. Partner A grew up in a family where there was a sense of connection. During a disagreement, it might get a little charged or people might yell but they all know they love each other so they're going to repair to get to a better place. Then there is Partner B, whose family is a group where they're not going to say anything hurtful and they're not going to speak in any tone that has any ounce of upset. They might pause before talking to be more regulated, or sometimes maybe they don't come back, and they don't talk about things at all. We have to recognize these very different orientations to know how to address a conflict. There are 7 to 8 irreconcilable differences that every couple has. That could be ‘the spender' and ‘the saver', ‘the planner' and ‘the spontaneous one', it could be ‘the social one' and ‘the introvert', or it could be ‘the one that's on time' and ‘the one that's always late'. We have to be able to see all these differences when we're living life together and be willing to works towards communicating our needs and trust our partner will do the same. How to Be More Curious When Conflict Feels Like Criticism The core of most disagreements is that people don't feel heard, and then they aren't feeling like they're able to collaborate and work together for a win-win. It is very common for us to describe the thing that we do not like and hope that our partner will be able to interpret and understand what we are feeling and needing. But that's a lot of decoding that most of us do not know how to do. If it's not a clear signal most people are not going to give what you're asking of them. It's not an easy thing to access, but if we can slow down and say “I wonder what he/she is feeling” or “I wonder what he/she needs right now?” because it's not about him/her criticizing me, it's about there's something happening for him/her that he/she wants and I'm not actually hearing it. So, we could prompt our partner to uncover what might really be at the core of it with questions like, “Well what's this about?” or “Can you tell me about what you're wanting?” or “How does this have value for you?” and then hopefully this will reveal the real feeling underneath the perceived criticism. When we express the feeling that is driving our usual first commentary, our partner – if they are the right partner -- will want to show up for that. No one is interested in showing up for a negative critique, but if we can understand what the other person needs, we can then pivot towards that. That's where the win-win starts to come in, but that's hard to get at when we don't slow down and identify and reveal, and then start to work with those deeper layers. Regulating Your Body can Have a Huge Impact on Having Regulated Relationships If we can support the nervous system to feel more regulated, then we can have access to have more productive conversations. Also, if there's past experiences or trauma and we haven't experienced safety in these types of conversations, then it makes perfect sense that there's going to be a lot of activation around perceived conflict. There's a concept in psychology and neuroscience where our nervous systems are constantly harmonizing and picking up information from the people around us. So, if the tone of voice changes or the facial expressions and nonverbals being perceived, we might not know why, but we'll feel the agitation of that before we have an intellectual understanding of why. We could just start to feel things ratcheting up and we might not even have a real awareness around what's really happening. That's where the importance of slowing down comes in, even to allow the nervous system to get regulated before we get into those conversations. How to Deescalate and Find Clarity Jessica finds it is helpful to create a new cycle together because that's going to create more safety and more connection in the communication. Oftentimes we're aware of the secondary emotions, the tendencies of how we might perceive our partner, but that doesn't get at the deeper layer of what is actually happening and the core of why we reacted that way. And so, we really have to work on slowing down to get to understand the deeper layer. When we can get to a place to just say “Oh, I'm acting this way because I feel nervous or scared” and here's what I'm thinking, here's where I want to go, or here's what's happening internally for me. Historically, couples wait too long to access therapy as support. But you don't have to start there. If the conflict is at a low level, if the charge on a scale from 1 to 10 is like a 3 or 4, start with journaling to unpack these difficult emotions. Keep digging deeper. The first layer will most likely be writing about why you believe you are in the right, but then you should keep writing. Why did it make you feel like that? Did it remind you of something else? If you would like to get a good journal and start doing this this you can find one here. Often times even just by having this unfiltered space where no one else but us can dictate what is going on, we can start to soften. This is because we are making ourselves feel heard and starting to come closer to the truth of why we are reacting in a certain way. And once you get closer and practice more with peeling back those layers and getting to that vulnerability that you were hiding, you can see yourself more clearly, and that maybe you were acting out of fear. Then the next step is learning to share that vulnerability with your partner. When your partner responds kindly and openly to your vulnerability is when real intimacy can be built. If the charge is higher on the scale, and there is also a backlog of problems, that's when it's probably time to seek additional support. How Can We Change Patterns Individually to Get Unstuck Together If we realize we want to make a change in our own lives, but we shy away from that change or delay on these types of conversations, while it might feel less conflictual in the moment, it can cause more difficulty in the long term. There's a term in psychology called differentiating in which we can hold on to ourselves when our partner is doing something different or even disagrees with what we're doing, and we can tolerate some of that discomfort and it can actually be highly attractive. So, we should look at change as something that has the potential to be very positive not just for the individual, but for the relationship as well. When you are hiding yourself for the perceived continuation of the relationship, that can start to resemble something closer to enmeshment or codependence. In healthy interdependence, we do rely on each other, but we can also nurture and listen to our own development and our growth. If we can do a little preparation before these conversations that we know might cause some defensiveness or tension, and if we can understand what we're needing or what that deeper request is or desire or what's not working, then we will most likely have much more productive and understanding conversations with our partners. If we can make a reveal of vulnerability and/or a request in a vulnerable way, those conversations are going to happen in a much more productive and efficient way. The Importance of Unconditional Positive Regard for Yourself Our attachments exist on a spectrum. We are not purely anxious or avoidant. So, it can take time and difficulties in relationships before we are ready and have the history to see where we need healing. As you start to get more curious about yourself, you can start to accept what your own patterns are. As you practice this more, you can realize when you are starting to act on a recurring pattern and choose to change it. That decision to change is a scary step into vulnerability, and what you have to remind yourself in those moments, is that no matter what happens with this person, you will always have your own back. Even if that person doesn't choose you after you show them vulnerability, that's okay because you are showing up for that part of yourself that's scared and feeling anxious about being rejected or abandoned. You can say to yourself “I hear you, I see you, I got you.” You will know you are with the right person if these signals or bids of vulnerability are met with a softening and a reciprocal tenderness. Vulnerability is a Risk, But the Reward Can be Beautiful Beyond Measure If you are parenting and you are taking the opportunity to work on these tough and sometimes scary emotions, you will be modeling these steps that are critical for authentic connection and bonds. Children in turn get to see that and it can shift their future relationships and their experience as a human. Being vulnerable is the same as being brave, and can have a ripple effect into future generations, positively affecting the way people build relationships in the future. In neuropsychology there's this idea that we have to ‘name it to tame it', so even just recognizing the intensity of the emotion and giving space for it (even if it's not resolved right at that moment) will help us start to regulate, and then we're in a much better position to deal with it. But if we're not willing to name it, a lot of things can happen and we will do all types of things to hide, to avoid, and to suppress. A lot of injuries happen in relationship and so when we have the tools for healing, it has profound impact on cultivating repair and resilience and health and all the good things. If you want to reach out to Dr. Jessica and learn more about how she can help you, please make sure to check out her website. She is also on social media as @drjessicahiggins (Instagram) and @EmpoweredRelationship (Facebook). You can also check out her Empowered Relationship Podcast. If you want to learn more about how stress and trauma affect us, and how to heal so that you can be better and more present in your relationships, you may want to read my book Master Your Stress Reset Your Health. In the book, I describe what I refer to as SelfC.A.R.E. based on your Stress Type. C stands for Clean Eating, A for adequate sleep, R for recovery activities, and E for exercise. I share the research behind how C.A.R.E. works in a daily routine to help us process stress and overcome trauma. To know your Stress Type, which is your unique cortisol and adrenaline levels based on how stresses have affected your adrenal function, you can take the quiz I developed. You can find the Stress Type® Quiz in the book and on my website. Then, if you're ready to start rebalancing your cortisol and neurotransmitters, to help your adrenals reset after stress exposure, you can start by ordering this home test kit. And you can also sign up for my Stress Warrior Online Program to guide you here. If you're interested in a safe and effective body, mind and spirit detoxification that will actually make you feel better and that you can do without affecting your daily routine, you can check out my New 14-Day Detox Program here. In the Detox Program I teach you to connect with yourself, and use mind-body tools, such as biofeedback, to process emotions. For the most comprehensive support, even with the most difficult health issues (physical or mental), it is best to meet with me one-on-one, which is available to you no matter where you are in the world (via phone or zoom). You can set up a one-on-one appointment with me here. We're here to help you! Connect with Dr. Doni:    Facebook HTTPS://FACEBOOK.COM/DRDONIWILSON   Instagram HTTPS://INSTAGRAM.COM/DRDONIWILSON   YouTube HTTPS://YOUTUBE.COM/USER/DONIWILSONND   Weekly Wellness Wisdom Newsletter: HTTPS://DOCTORDONI.COM/WWW     -   Additional Resources:    If you want to work on your gut health and microbiome you may want to sign up for my Heal Leaky Gut Program (https://doctordoni.com/leaky-gut-program) where I teach you how to heal leaky gut with my proven protocol.    If you're interested in learning more about my approach to healing HPV you can find my new HPV Recovery Guide here (https://doctordoni.com/ddpp/hpv-guide/).    If you are tired of this virus and are really committed to erasing it from your life forever, you can sign up for my Say Goodbye to HPV 12-Week Program here (https://drdoni.lpages.co/hpv-12-week-program/).   You can also sign up for my Stress Warrior Program here (https://doctordoni.com/stress-program).    Also, if you want to learn more about how to recover from stress so that you can get back to feeling your best, you may want to read my book Master Your Stress Reset Your Health (https://doctordoni.com/master-your-stress/). In the book, I also share the quiz I developed to help you identify how stress has affected you specifically by knowing your Stress Type. You can also take this Stress Type Quiz online (https://doctordoni.com/quiz/stress-quiz/)   For the most comprehensive support, even with the most difficult health issues (physical or mental), it is best to meet with me one-on-one, which is available to you no matter where you are in the world (via phone or zoom). You can set up a one-on-one appointment with me here (https://doctordoni.com/work-with-me/)   Disclosure: Some of the links in this post are product links and affiliate links and if you go through them to make a purchase I will earn a commission at no cost to you. Keep in mind that I link these companies and their products because of their quality and not because of the commission I receive from your purchases. The decision is yours, and whether or not you decide to buy something is completely up to you.  

How do we balance being our own person and a unit in relationships? How is desire unlocked by differentiation? Why do we crave closeness even when it can stifle our relationship? We dive in to uncover these secrets with none other than Dr. Jessica Higgins. Dr. Jessica Higgins is a legend. She's the host of The Empowered Relationship Podcast which is one of the longest running relationship-advice podcasts . She's a world-renowned relationship coach, licensed psychologist with her PHd in Clinical Psychology and she is the creator of the Connected Couple.  Dr. Jessica helps couples and individuals transform pain and struggle into deep love, connection, and vitality! In this episode we discuss differentiation, connection and so much more. It's not one to miss! Listen to Dr. Jessica Higgins Empowered Relationship Podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/empowered-relationship-podcast-your-relationship-resource/id969874173 Get in touch with Dr. Jessica Higgins: Link to the Shifting Criticism guide: https://drjessicahiggins.lpages.co/shifting-criticism-for-connected-communication/ Empowered Relationship Podcast link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Website link: https://drjessicahiggins.com/ Download and discover Couply: https://couply.page.link/podcast --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/couply/message

This week Danny and I are back and talking about our experience with couples coaching and how it led to The Connected Couple!Why did we do couple's coaching?I was so excited to be able to do this because for for me being in this work, being on the other side of it I knew was going to be a different experience. Even though I had introduced some of these things to Danny before, it's different when you're being facilitated through something like this.Why was it different?I really liked that because it was just so much different than just us kind of sitting down watching TV and then all of a sudden one of us is like hey what do you acknowledge about me? What do you love about me? It's keeping awkwardness out of bringing it up in just any conversation. So it's so much easier to just let things fly.What happened in this coaching?Eye gazing was something that we did almost every single call and is such a great technique for us to be able to come together. There's other people in the group and they were doing it too, these were all couples from all over the world. Some people were nomads, like literally zooming from their Rvs, like talk about no excuses to do something like this. On our very first call, we got to learn a little bit about each other and all of us were going through the same things. We or we had been through the same things that each other were going through. Was there any resistance to participate?I wouldn't say that I was holding too much back. I definitely felt that being in that container, it was so much easier to allow myself to kind of just let things out and be a part of it. Just bring everything in and let everything out because at that point, if you're trying to hold something back, but then you're seeing everyone else just express themselves in a way that really is just truly vulnerable, then why not just why not keep going with it?These are things that you think about on the daily but then to express them and share them while looking your partner in the eye and not being able to look away and like just being seen and heard in myself and just trusting that your partner is going to receive what you're saying.  What have been the biggest benefits?Just trusting in each other.  If you have something to say, you trust that the other person is going to recognize what you're going through and express back  the gratitude that you're expressing that feeling. That has carried over in our relationship even now after this program is over. It's really set the tone and set the stage for us to continue having these conversations and more in depth conversations. We also discovered so much about ourselves sexually. We got to talk through fantasies and we learned the blueprints of each other's sexual languages, all these things.How would you describe The Connected Couple?If you are looking to just upgrade your relationship and life without really feeling like it's on the brink of disaster. I feel like it's just finding out more about you and more about your partner and just taking that and running with it. Even after the program is complete, you're gonna be able to take these tools and things that we're teaching you and carry them on into your life. It's also for couples that are wanting to learn more about their sexual selves or wanting to learn more about their partner, they're wanting to maybe explore more of their kinks and things like that. All of that is covered in a connected couple.ResourcesThe Connected CoupleSupport the showConnect with Rachel!Instagram: @The_Rachel_MaineWebsite: https://linktr.ee/WellnessSexpertiseFacebook: Rachel MaineEmail: therachelmaine@gmail.com

Hey guys! This week you'll be hearing a live recording of a Masterclass Danny and I did called How to Sex up your Space! Why is setting and sexing up your space so important?Women generally fall into the category of responsive desire, meaning we need something to happen for our bodies to respond to that thing for us to then feel turned on. Whereas men generally fall into spontaneous desire to where they are just walking through life and it's like a lightning bolt hits them and they're like, boom, I'm turned on. I had entered into our space and literally like everything that I saw, I could immediately feel the warmth from the space here. I was able to walk into that experience and just already feel so seen and so held and like frankly turned on like, ready to play, ready to do the damn thing. How do you start to sex up your space?The first one we really put together is a Bluetooth speaker, and just play a sexy to you playlist.Next, get yourself some bedding that feels sexy to you. Get whatever color you want, fuzzy blankets, velvety textures. Think sexy, sensual textures that feel really good to you. The most important thing, and something that is on our current list to get ourselves, is a waterproof blanket. Easy to wash. They're still soft. It's not like that plasticity sort of material, it's still plush, it's cozy. Another thing is color changing light bulbs. They come with this remote and there are all these different colors. So you got reds, oranges, blues, greens and you can dim them down, you can brighten them up and that itself changes the entire scenery of the room.Add in some yummy smells to the room. If it's essential oils, I would recommend lavender, rose, and then ylang ylang. If you're gonna go with candles, you know find some nontoxic scented candles that would work for you. And then incense, which is probably my favorite. I feel like they just fill the room the most. If you want to go more on the safety side of candles, flameless candles. So they're kind of scattered all throughout the room, but again, it just adds a little bit more to your ambience.Having the room warm is basically essential. So if you don't wanna turn up your thermostat or anything like that, you can add in a space heater. If I'm frigidly cold it's really hard for me to get in the mood or to feel sexy or to want to take my clothes off or want to get out of my lingerie, so adding in a space heater is necessary.Artwork, things that inspire eroticism for you. Things that like you see and you feel are are sexy to you.We're in this space, what the hell do we do now? That's what The Connected Couple is for. This program that we're running is going to look very similar to this, except we're not going to be just teaching you the whole time, we're gonna be teaching you a thing and then your you and your partner are gonna be doing the thing. It is also so inspiring to hear other couples sharing, to hear that another couple is going through a struggle that maybe you went through, or are going through now, but you can relate. When you feel connected sexually in your relationship, everything else just starts to fall into place. The mental health starts to get better, the physical health starts to get better. Sex really is the center of everything and when that is good, everything else is gonna be good.ResourcesSex Up Your SpaceConnected CoupleSupport the showConnect with Rachel!Instagram: @The_Rachel_MaineWebsite: https://linktr.ee/WellnessSexpertiseFacebook: Rachel MaineEmail: therachelmaine@gmail.com

Alright, here's our first episode of Mum's Talk Sex! This is definitely going to be a worthwhile project! To kick things off I interview the beautiful Misty Johnson McIntyre, sex therapist and relationship repair coach. I know I had some really profound aha moments while recording this 30 minute interview and I feel like we're only just scratching the surface of the tip of the iceberg! I know many Mums out there are going to really connect with what Misty shared with us today so please feel free to drop a voice message here on anchor.fm to carry on the conversation. Here are the links mentioned in the show: Book Recommendation: Come as you are- Emily Nagoski Free call with Misty: https://meetme.so/relationshipconsultation Facebook group: The Connected Couple www.facebook.com/groups/connectedcouple Relationship Repair Quickstart guide: https://repairyourmarriage.clickfunnels.com/relationship-repair Join the free success coaching facebook group, League Of Champions, for more conversations like this and to start winning your inner game https://www.facebook.com/groups/LOCsilver/ Enjoy! x Helen More on Misty: Misty attended the University of Georgia and obtained Bachelor of Science degree in Child and Family Development. She then went on to receive her Master of Science degree in Marriage and Family Therapy on an academic scholarship from Valdosta State University where she graduated at the top of her class. She is currently a board Certified Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and is a Sex Therapist (certification pending completion). She owns and operates a private practice outside of Atlanta in the US, as well as an online coaching practice so that she can extend her services to more people who are interested in healing and growing in their marriages, creating healthy relationships, and feeling deeply connected to self and others. She is married to her husband Ty. Together, they have a son, a baby on the way, and 2 Labrador retrievers. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/wau/message

We all deserve to have a relationship which is fun, something which is where we want to spend time with each other whether it’s watching TV together or spending time watching the kids at soccer or whatever they’re doing. Reaching that level of closeness and intimacy requires consciousness, having that awareness and understanding of what your partner wants, what you want, and what your vision is together. That is precisely what this podcast is all about – to help inform and inspire couples to become conscious as we bring to light all the nitty-gritty, not-so-sexy life couples go through. Achieve conscious coupling and be in alignment in your relationship as you learn how you can consciously connect together as a couple and create that healthy relationship.

We all deserve to have a relationship which is fun, something which is where we want to spend time with each other whether it’s watching TV together or spending time

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Psychologist and Relationship Coach, who helps people acquire the insight, learning, and practice to navigate the terrain of intimacy more effectively. She created Connected Couple, which is a comprehensive, transformational, relationship program, and is the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast which inspires, motivates, and guides people into more evolved ways of loving.

TOPIC: SYMPTOMS OF VICTIM MENTALITY IN RELATIONSHIPS FEELING LIKE A VICTIM IN RELATIONSHIP IS AN AWFUL FEELING In relationship, we want and need to feel safe, loved, and valued. When difficult things happen, it can be extremely painful. Sometimes, it is a condition or circumstance that is challenging (like a health issue, family crisis, natural disaster, etc). But when our partner behaves badly or unskillful, it can be heartbreaking. When awful things happen, it is natural to feel the hardship, pain, and injury, and it is incredible important to attend your experience. RESOURCES If you are experiencing immediate hardship and crisis, it might be helpful to check out some of the previous podcast episodes: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni In the podcasts about how we deal with pain, I addressed the fact that the way in which we handle pain contributes to greater levels of suffering (i.e. when we resist pain, anticipate, ruminate, and protest against pain). THE DRAMA TRIANGLE In this episode, I am going to address how we unknowingly get stuck in a destructive dynamic – The Drama Triangle. The drama triangle is a social model of human interaction that can occur between people in conflict, which was developed by Stephen Karpman, M.D. This common relationship dynamic perpetuates pain and suffering, and keeps us stuck in endless cycles of difficulty. The problematic interaction and can occur in any type of relationship, where there is struggle (i.e. spouse, partner, family member, friend, colleague, etc). Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Concepts for today’s episode are referenced from Connected Couple and The Power of Ted, by David Emerald. When exploring The Drama Triangle, you may notice you can occupy all positions at various point. Or you may notice a stronger tendency to take a particular role. THE VICTIM Helpless and hopeless Collapsed and powerless Doesn’t advocate for self Poor me “Victims may be defensive, submissive, over-accommodating to others, passive-aggressive in conflict, dependent on others for self-worth, overly sensitive, even manipulative. They’re often angry, resentful, and envious, feeling unworthy or ashamed about their circumstances.” By David Emerald, The Power of TED “Death of a dream: All victims have experience a loss – a thwarted desire or aspiration – even if they’re not aware of it.” By David Emerald, The Power of TED THE VILLAIN OR PERSECUTOR Often times a person, but sometimes it is a circumstance or condition. Aggressive, domineering, and judgmental. Uses blame, criticism, and or oppression. Persecutors were almost always former victims. “I will never be the victim again.” Fear of loss of control THE HERO OR THE RESCUER Overly helpful and overextends (usually with good intentions) Feels responsible for others Poor you Intrapersonally, we might engage in behaviors that rescue ourselves from painful feelings (i.e. substance use, alcohol, sugar, computer gaming, watching tv, shopping, overeating, etc.) Fear of loss of purpose When couples seek support in the way of coaching or therapy, often times they are looking for the helping professional to validate their experience. However, it is often done through the way of the victim position. “Arguments are caused by two people racing to occupy the victim position (why are you doing this to me?) and then tries to get person B to agree with that assessment. In other words, person B has to agree that he or she is the persecutor. Therein lies the problem. It’s almost impossible to get the other guys to agree that it’s his fault.” By Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap In the next episode, I will discuss how to shift out of The Drama Triangle. MENTIONED: ERP 135: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part One (podcast) ERP 136: How to handle Grief and loss in relationship – Part Two (podcast) ERP 153: How to Repair a Breach of Trust in Relationship (podcast) ERP 148: How to Deal with the Effects of Trauma in Relationship with Dr. Janina Fisher (podcast) ERP 154: How to Get Relational Support When Dealing with Illness & Chronic Pain with Dr. Jackie Black (podcast) ERP 113: How to Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni (podcast) ERP 140: How Pain and Suffering Increase & What to Do about It (podcast) ERP 141: How To Decrease Relationship Pain and Suffering (podcast) POWER OF TED* (*THE EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC) (book) The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level (book) Connected Couple (program) Wild Quest (website) Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Identifying the symptoms of victim mentality in relationships help couples improve and understand each other to connect rather that neglect the feelings of each other. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.      

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a Licensed Psychologist and Relationship Coach. Her ultimate goal is to help people acquire the insight, learning, and practice to navigate the terrain of intimacy more effectively. Jessica is the founder and creator of Connected Couple, which is a comprehensive, research-based, transformational, relationship program. She is also the host of the Empowered Relationship Podcast which inspires, motivates, and guides individuals and couples into more empowered, conscious, and evolved ways of loving. Guiding Principle, Quote, or Mantra Getting outside of myself to find that deep, inner connection. When You “Tripped Up” in Partnership Back in the early 2000’s Jessica was in a relationship where they were both very attracted to each other, shared a lot of chemistry, and both thought that they found the one. About 18 months in they started to experience some challenge together. Jessica would always try to negotiate by explaining. She was unpacking her message but it wasn’t coming from a very authentic, vulnerable state of mind. It was more of a justification, rationalization state of mind. Find out what happened next by listening to the podcast. Proudest Moment In Partnership Two to three years ago Jessica was asked to do a keynote presentation about the developmental stages of relationships. She was trying to provide an experience of being in a relationship and being in the opposition so that people could truly feel the flow. They did an exercise to demonstrate. With this exercise, most people have the automatic fight, flight, or freeze response. When they were doing this it sent Jessica back to remembering when the guy she was in a relationship with was scared during their vicious cycle. Find out how it all comes together by listening to the podcast. What’s Best Partnership Advice You Have Ever Received? Taking full responsibility. Best Partnership Resource Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Sue Johnson Interview Links - Her Website Empowered Relationship Podcast Susan Johnson's Therapy - EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) Relationship Map Twitter Facebook

Meet this Soulful Couple, Jim & Ruth Sharon. They work together as licensed therapists turned relationship coaches. Yes, they have a ton of credibility but they have even MORE wisdom and love. You will definitely love their book, Soulful Marriage as well as what they share in this interview. What you will learn: The key elements to a relationship lasting for 5 decades! What it means to be a SoulFul couple How to fill your cup individually to be a better partner for each other How to handle disagreements in a healthy and empowering way How you can keep the energy fresh and exciting after many years together And more! Questions asked in this interview: Rapid Fire: How meet, how long married, where do you live, word to describe marriage? How has marriage changed for you from the first 10 years, to 4 and 5 decades? How did you develop healthy communication habits early on? How do you keep the energy fresh with the same person for that long? Do you prioritize your relationship connection over activities, to-do’s, business, etc? What are your spiritual practices each day? And do you practice together or separately? Do you believe there is only 1 Soulmate for each person? Do people still have major challenges even when they are with their soulmate? What does being a SoulFul Couple mean to you? Do you have certain agreements with each other for arguments? Aka- agreements around yelling or cursing? Have you noticed relationship dynamics change over the last few decades with technology? Do you see a correlation between technology and relationships changing? What have you learned by being in business together? What is one of the biggest things you hear couples in general struggle with? About Guest Jim & Ruth: From SoulFul Couples, married 48 year, Dr. Jim Sharon is a licensed psychologist and coach for committed couples seeking to evolve their love relationship. Jim has over 40 years of professional experience serving thousands of couples in counseling, relationship coaching, seminars, and retreats. He and his wife Ruth are the authors of Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating & Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship. Dr. Sharon is a Global member of the International Coaching Federation and the Colorado Chapter of ICF, where he served as a board member last year. Learn more about them here: https://www.soulfulcouples.com Additional Resources: Follow the Freemans here on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Meet_TheFreemans/ And join the next Couples Goals Accelerator program: https://www.meetthefreemans.com/couples-goals-accelerator-online-group-program

Be sure to check out the previous episode, ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship if you missed it. WHAT WILL WORK WHEN ADDRESSING INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP   (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 1. EXPLORE YOUR BELIEFS, FEARS, AND WORRIES. Understand your attachment style. Secure attachment style leads to feelings of trust, confidence, and belief in relationship. Whereas, insecure attachment style leads to feelings of distrust, lack of confidence, and belief. Knowing our attachment style can be really helpful in understanding your experience in relationship (in that it may have roots in the past). Sometimes we will recreate a dynamic from our past. If we can be more aware of our attachment needs, then we can enter into healthier relationship dynamics. Over time, we can actually develop a secure attachment style. Identify your operating beliefs. About relationship? About men? “Men are pigs. Cheaters. At some point, he will lose interested in me.” About women? “She is prettier than me. She has a better body. She is not to be trusted.” Are your beliefs unsupportive, limiting, and/or negative? Identify them. Explore them. Get support. Examine your fears. It can be a good practice to get your thoughts down on paper, so that you can look at your process more objectively. You will also be able to look at your fears more closely. You may be able to distinguish more easily what is real and where you might be filling in the blanks. Get to know your inner voice. How you talk to yourself? Does your inner critic run the show? Can you invite other voices to the party? 2. CREATE A SAFE SPACE. One of the things that complicates matters is… we fight with ourselves. We will pretend like we are fine, good and have no issue, when in fact we are uncomfortable, scared, and threatened. Take care of yourself Remove yourself from the situation (i.e. like being hit by waves, barely keeping your head above water, but staying in the ocean). Create your own environment. Get into your space. What would you enjoy? Stretch, music, candle, bath. In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Feeling secure in a relationship depends on trusting the other person but, more importantly, on learning to trust yourself. Trust yourself to know that no matter what the other person does, you will take care of you. Trust yourself to know that you won’t ignore your inner voice when it tells you that something isn’t right. Trust yourself not to hide your feelings, trust yourself to make sure your needs are met, and trust yourself that you won’t lose your sense of self-identity. Trust yourself to know that if the relationship isn’t working, you will be able to leave and still be a wholly functioning individual. When you trust yourself, feeling secure is almost a guarantee.”  Be vulnerable. Acknowledge your fear and threatening feelings. Biggest change for me. Instead of trying to control my circumstances. Turning inward, acknowledging my fear. Sharing and if your partner is interested in helping, offer a way to help. Trust will develop when you reveal yourself and your partner shows up. 3. LEARN TO TOLERATE THE UNCERTAINTY. Huge risk to love. There are no guarantees. Our confidence builds when we believe we will be able to handle what life will bring us. Grieving small deaths many times in the relationship. Not the way, I wanted or imagined. 4. GET SOME DISTANCE AND PERSPECTIVE. Nature. Friends. Music. In 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D., she writes “Maintaining your sense of self-identity and taking care of your needs for personal well-being are the keys to keeping a healthy balance in a relationship. When you aren’t dependent on your relationship to fill all of your needs, you feel more secure about your life. Being an independent person who has things going on outside of the relationship also makes you a more interesting and attractive partner. Ways to maintain your independence include: Making time for your own friends, interests, and hobbies, maintaining financial independence, and having self-improvement goals that are separate from your relationship goals. In essence: Don’t forget to do you.” 5. PRACTICE SELF-VALIDATION. What do you appreciate about yourself? Qualities, traits, efforts, and intentions (i.e. Kind, loving, thoughtful, affectionate, honest, trustworthy, smart, etc.). How do you add value and contribution to your relationship or your partner’s life? Instead of focusing on what you don’t like or didn’t do well, focus on what you do like or did do well. No one is you. You have value to offer. “Feeling good about who you are is a win-win for the relationship. You get to enjoy the sense of well-being that comes with genuinely liking yourself, and self-confidence is an attractive quality that makes your partner want to be closer to you.” by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. Stay tuned for the next episode as we revisit The Power of Kindness in Relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:   MENTIONED: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship (podcast episode) ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast episode) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast episode) ERP 114: How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability (podcast episode) ERP 115: How to develop the strength of vulnerability – Part Two (podcast episode) 4 Ways to Stop Feeling Insecure in Your Relationships, by Jennice Vilhauer Ph.D. (article) Emotions As Honored Guest, by Stephanie Noble (article) Photo by Denys Argyriou on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 127 : What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship – Part Two [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER’S QUESTION “I have been listening to your podcasts and i find them very helpful for me to understanding how to communicate and work through some of my thoughts and needs in my relationship. I have been having an internal struggle with myself in my relationship that i was wondering if you might be able to help me work through and understand. I think this might have to deal somewhat with self love and self esteem but i am not sure how to get better with these subjects. I have this amazing boyfriend who knows I have insecurity issues and is really understanding and I believe I can trust him but I am having a struggle with modern normalities. There are 2 things that are similar but slightly different that I just can’t feel comfortable with. My boyfriend is a TV person and he likes to get into all sorts of shows ranging from standard TV to HBO and Cinemax type shows. He has told me that he doesn’t watch them for the sex scenes and nudity and i believe him but because he is a man i can’t think that he doesn’t enjoy them. This thought of that and how much there is in these shows makes me uncomfortable. I don’t want to make him not watch the shows because it’s not his fault they put those scenes in these shows but I don’t know how to frame my mind to accept it. I also get uncomfortable about going anywhere where women will be barely wearing clothes like the beach, wondering if he might be enjoying what he sees, even though i know it’s natural to be attracted to other people it still makes me uncomfortable. I have talked to him about it and he has told me he is not a visual person and he doesn’t care about anyone else but i still understand that he is man. I want to be able to do these things with him because they are part of modern day life but i am having a hard time. If you could offer suggestions that would be so very helpful to me. I also would like to thank you so much for putting together these podcasts for people like me. They help me grow as a person and become a better partner.” DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE Thank you for reaching out. I acknowledge your experience, the discomfort and struggle around these issues. I know it can be extremely painful. Also, I love that you are looking for ways to shift your experience and improve that way you deal with some of these insecurities. Today, I am going to offer you some tips to address your questions. I will also be offering general suggestions and recommendations for how to deal with insecurity in relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) INSECURITY IN RELATIONSHIP When we are feeling insecure, we are typically feeling as though we are not good enough and/or we are feeling some type of threat. While most of us will have feelings of insecurity at some point or another, it is important to pay attention to when we notice a repetitive pattern of insecurity. Especially because insecurities can push people away and be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feelings of insecurity usually involve: Inadequacy Anxiety Criticism Comparison Inadequacy When we question our value and self-worth, we tend to put a lot of emphasize on other people’s perceptions of us. We will look for outside validation, affirmation and reassurance to feel good about ourselves. The trouble with this approach is: We never feel solid and secure in our goodness and worth. We typically feel disempowered, lacking and inadequate. Getting validation and reassurance rarely leads to satiation and lasting change. At it’s best, it provides a temporary fix. When we do not believe we are good enough, it is very difficult to believe someone else’s high opinion of us or to receive someone’s compliment. We never feel trusting, relaxed and at peace with ourselves and our relationship. Anxiety Relationship will evoke our fears, wounds, and insecurities. When we love deeply, we are confronted with our attachment insecurities, essentially our trust, confidence, and belief that our partner will be there for us. If you have experienced any disappointment, loss, pain, rejection, abandonment, trauma, or neglect in your early years in how your caregiver/s provided for you, it is likely that you may have some level of attachment insecurity. Criticism How do you talk to yourself? What is your internal dialogue? Are you kind when you look in the mirror or do you criticize parts of your body? When you get dressed in the morning, what do you believe about your presentation (i.e. “Ugh, I hate my outfit.” “I need to lose weight.”)? When you make a mistake, what do you say to yourself? Sometimes, many times, we are our worst and harshest critics. There is nothing wrong with striving for greatness, but are we using pain, punishment, and shame as forms of motivation? Comparison In the The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber, she writes “Social comparison theory was first put forth in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, who hypothesized that we make comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves. At its root, the impulse is connected to the instant judgments we make of other people—a key element of the brain’s social-cognition network that can be traced to the evolutionary need to protect oneself and assess threats.” DISTORTED MESSAGES Constant imagery of women’s bodies. Concentrated exposure designed to be compelling. Over sexualized. Not valuing other traits, qualities, and characteristics Killing Us Softly WHAT WILL NOT WORK Trying to control his environment. Attempting to control the environment is a negative cycle because you will not develop trust. For example, if you feel success in minimizing your discomfort, it will because you managed the situation. Avoiding creates more anxiety, and at times phobias, as you let fear dictate and limit your life. If he is not respectful towards women or has a wandering eye, then you will know. You trying to control the situation will get in the way of gathering this information, as well as taking away his opportunity to show-up for you. Comparing yourself to every women on television and out in public. By constantly measure your worth against others, you are giving your power away. This sells you short because the only way for you to be valuable or lovable is if you rank high. This is an anxious feeling because you always have to compete with others. Rather than just being your awesome self. Making your partner responsible. When we feel threatened, it is easy to judge that what your parent is doing is wrong or bad. For example, if a guy feels insecure about himself, and his significant other is friendly. His temptation might be to be critical of his partner…judging her as too outgoing and gregarious. He may even try to control who she talks to and socializes with. While he doesn’t feel safe and secure, he attempts to blame and control her. She is likely to push his blame and criticism away. Thus, leaving them both feeling hurt, scared, and disconnected. Seeking continual reassurance. It is natural to seek reassurance from our partner when we experience self-doubt. Yet, if this is our only method towards feeling more security, then we come dependent on our partner’s approval for our well-being. Your partner will likely resists this responsibility and burden. It is a burden because it requires them to only convey positive feelings towards you, which is not realistic or authentic. Getting carried away with negative thoughts, worries, and fears. What is your worry? What is your fear? The majority of relationship insecurities are based on irrational thoughts, fears, and worries. Letting anxious feelings rule. When we feel threatened, it is easy to react to the alarms going off. However, when it comes to relationship, very little good comes from reacting. When we react, it can feel like we are out of our minds. Which in some respects is true, we are not in our right place. It is very hard to think rationally when we are panicked. I hear people say “I don’t know what I was thinking.” “It is so not like me.” “I DO trust you.” Stay tuned for the next episode discussing “What Will Work” when feeling insecure in relationship. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:   MENTIONED: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love (podcast episode) ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs 9podcast episode) ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone The Comparison Trap, By Rebecca Webber (article) Killing Us Softly (Wikipedia page) Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 126: What To Do When You Feel Insecure In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

A long while back I remember this article from The Atlantic circulating on social media, titled “Masters of Love,” by Emily Esfahani Smith. One of the main points of the article is the key to lasting relationships is kindness and generosity. Based on the research of Gottman and others, “kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage.” When kindness is expressed in relationship, couples feel more care, consideration, love, and understanding. Kindness contributes to an overall feeling of goodwill and positivity. Partners are inspired and motivated to continue the pattern, which results in a positive cycle of love and generosity. “There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work” by Emily EsfahaniI Smith. As positive emotions increase, so does the relationship satisfaction and fulfillment. This episode will give you some ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) 5 TIPS FOR BUILDING KINDNESS 1. DO A LOVING KINDNESS MEDITATION. As I talked about last week, if we can set a positive tone, it can dramatically affect our interactions in a beneficial way. By doing a short loving-kindness meditation, it can generate boundless feelings of warmth and tenderness. Excerpt from the Metta Meditation by Metta Institute “To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit in a comfortable and relaxed manner. Take two or three deep breaths with slow, long and complete exhalations. Let go of any concerns or preoccupations. For a few minutes, feel or imagine the breath moving through the center of your chest – in the area of your heart. Metta is first practiced toward oneself, since we often have difficulty loving others without first loving ourselves. Sitting quietly, mentally repeat, slowly and steadily, the following or similar phrases: May I be happy. May I be well. May I be safe. May I be peaceful and at ease. After a period of directing loving-kindness toward yourself, bring to mind a friend or someone in your life who has deeply cared for you. Then slowly repeat phrases of loving-kindness toward them: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe. May you be peaceful and at ease. As you say these phrases, again sink into their intention or heartfelt meaning. And, if any feelings of loving-kindness arise, connect the feelings with the phrases so that the feelings may become stronger as you repeat the words.” Here are a few additional resources: A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article) Guided Meditation – “Loving Kindness” by Tara Brach (audio) Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio) 2. BE A PERSON OF INCREASE. Being a person of increase is adding good in some way to the interaction or situation. The idea here is to add positivity and generate a sense of good will. Consider how you and your partner’s life can be improved. Offer affirmation and encouragement. Send a thoughtful or supportive text. “You are doing great. Keep up the great work. I am so proud of the work you are doing.” Let your partner know you are thinking about them (leave them a voice mail, send them an email or a text). Look for a way to help. Contribute in some way. Be of service. Do something nice out of the ordinary. Ask them how how their learning is going. Watch a game of theirs. Ask them to share/show their latest progress. 3. GIVE UNSOLICITED ATTENTION & INTEREST. People feel important when they have your attention and focus. We are all so busy, and most us feel as though time is extremely valuable. When someone feels they are the priority, it can help them feel significant, important, and like they matter. Do you show your partner non-verbally that you are listening, interested, and curious? Open posture, giving good eye contact, and nodding are all signs that show you are deeply listening. Do you get curious about their life and what they experienced during the day? Do you take the time to think about it and deeply listen? Do you give them the space to talk about what they want? Showing that you are available and present without an agenda. When your partner has a complaint, do you take the time to listen? Do ask them to share more, so that you can understand them more fully? Do you spend time with them? To just be? Keep them company with a chore. Go for an errand with them. Simply sit next to them. Do you express interest in something that is important to them? Like a project, hobby or sport. Ask them how their learning is going. Watch a game of theirs. Ask them to share/show their latest progress. 4. SPEAK POSITIVELY ABOUT YOUR PARTNER. Giving your partner a authentic compliment can really brighten their day. On the contrary, let’s say a couple is getting ready to go out on a double date with some friends. The couple finishes getting ready and meets at the front door. They look at each other and say “Are you ready?” Not acknowledging each others efforts to look nice. They make their way to meet their friends at a restaurant. Upon arriving they greet their friends with hellos and hugs. The husband says to the other woman, “You look nice.” The wife hears this and feels a little bad. I have heard this complaint several times before from both genders. In parenting advice, it is recommended to acknowledge your child’s strengths and success when talking to others, when they are listening. Not to brag or say something disingenuous, but to focus on some of their positives. It is how you represent them, what you choose to focus on, and highlight. Imagine, if were young and you had made some great progress with soccer, math, and science. And you overheard your mom talking to the neighbor. In response to the neighbor asking about you, she says “Good, but you could be doing a better job keeping your room more tidy.” You may feel bad, a little misunderstood and as though your positive qualities are not being recognized and given credit. This is one of the most common objections that I get in my sessions with couples and families is how someone unfairly characterises them. We all want to feel loved, appreciated, and valued by others. When someone fairly and accurately acknowledges your efforts, it can feel really nice. You may feel a sense of recognition and that your positive strides count and make a difference. You may feel valued and an increase in self-esteem. Pay attention to how you talk about your partner to others. Do you complain or point out their flaws? When you are with them, do you feel competitive about earning the approval of others? A few weeks ago, we had a couple over for dinner. In the midst of the conversation, my husband spoke very complimentary about my efforts and what I created for a previous event we put together for family and friends. It felt really good to hear his expression of appreciation. I felt a warmth and closeness towards him. 5. BE PLAYFUL. As adults, it is amazing to me how we forget to play, be silly, and have fun. Whether it is a cultural expectation, we have gotten the impression that adults are to be practical, logical, and serious. With responsibilities and goals, we become driven and focused. Play and humor lighten the mood and allow for more joy and connection. When I was working on these show notes, I felt my appreciation for my husbands sense of humor. I love his ability to take me off guard with a clever joke. I love that he will get silly and laugh with me. He has told me in the past, making me laugh brings him a great sense of joy. Some of my favorite times are when my husband and I are laughing and being silly together. Are you available to play? Many, many years ago I took a workshop about the Art of Play. The instructor was amazing. One of the first things she did with us was to get us to think about our “willingness to play.” She brought up the example of when dogs want to play, they communicate it by a certain posture (i.e. front legs low (reading to pounce), tail wagging, looking in anticipation). She asked us to experiment with this quality of engagement. With this mindset shift, it was amazing to me how much more available I was to interact with others in a playful way. With this shift in attitude, you will laugh more easily at your partner’s jokes, and you will be more likely to find joy with them. The desire to play and have fun can also be a great form of flirtation. Stay tuned for the next several tips for building kindness in the upcoming podcast episode. Until then, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love:   MENTIONED: ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship (podcast) Masters Of Love by Emily Esfahani Smith (article) Metta Meditation by Metta Institute (article) A Meditation on Lovingkindness by Jack Kornfield (article) Guided Meditation – “Loving Kindness” by Tara Brach (audio) Loving Kindness Meditation, by Great Good In Action (article & audio) Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 125: How Kindness Can Strengthen Your Love [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In the lastest episodes, I interviewed two experts in the field of relationship. Arielle Ford talked with us about How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. One of the questions, I asked her was how to use the law of attraction in your relationship. In her response, she focused more on how to attract a partner. I truly believe that when one partner raises their vibration it attracts a completely different interaction. What does raising the vibration mean? In law of attraction terms, it is essentially what you focus your attention on, you attract. If you focus on the experience love, you will attract more love. If you focus on the experience of happiness, you will attract more joy. If you focus on gratitude, you will attract more abundance. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) In relationship, where do you pay the majority of your attention? What are your habitual thought patterns about your partner or your relationship? RELATIONSHIP WEATHER IS DIFFERENT THAN RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE Raising your vibration does not mean you bypass or avoid your concerns. It is important to take clear and conscientious notes of things you feel challenged with or troubled by. Then, you can address the issues with your partner in a constructive way. This gives your partner an opportunity to understand how you feel AND it gives them a chance to help you get your needs met. If you do not address your issues, it is likely that resentment will build and it will affect the way you experience your partner and your relationship. Issues begin to cloud the overall weather of your relationship, and over time this can drastically affect the climate of your relationship. What if you were to see your concerns as issues that you and your partner are in process of resolving and still working on getting to creative solutions? With this framework, there are some key assumptions happening. There is a positive solution. You and your partner care about each other. While it is challenging at times, you want to work together. You and your partner are doing the best that you can. You both have assets to bring to the relationship. While you have differences, it is not about who is right. It is about how to you learn from each other and work together to get your needs met, in a way that feels good for both of you. When we get triggered, we tend to perceive things from a protective stance. We are trying to mitigate any chances of injury. Our attempts, while understandable, are often protective strategies to feel safe. These strategies put our partner in the position of being the adversary. WHEN RELATIONSHIP WEATHER BECOMES THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE If we see our partner as an adversary for any length of time, it can be very difficult to contextualize feelings of protection, control, and fear to just the issue at hand. With frequency and intensity, the adversary tone starts to globalize to the overall quality of the relationship. In general, we start to see our partner in a negative light. We focus on their negative attributes. We doubt and question their ability to meet our needs, and we wonder if and how the relationship will work. In the field of psychology, there is a tremendous amount of research that explores how our thinking and beliefs impacts our experience. Example: Husband makes a lot of effort to give to and please his wife. However, he is very quiet about it. Often, she doesn’t know how he is contributing to their life together. His fear is that he is not seen, appreciated, valued, and loved. He hopes that she will recognize his efforts and appreciate him. Yet, she, without knowing what he is doing, misses the opportunities. This hurts and validates his fear that she doesn’t really care or value him. He distances and pulls away and she has an even harder time understanding him and acknowledging him. This can be a tragic and vicious cycle. WHAT IF WE PRIORITIZED THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE? In last week’s episode, I interviewed Dr. Fred Luskin on the topic of Forgive for Love. He emphasized that we often protest against others and life, when we do not get what we want. While this initial reaction is natural and understandable, we often get trapped in this state. We tend to resist the honest, emotional work, which is to acknowledge life and love are risky and we are truly vulnerable. The real work is in facing these realities with gentleness, compassion, acceptance, and preemptive forgiveness. Instead we fight with each other, protesting and engaging in all sorts of strategies to attempt to get what we want. In 2004, during my deep, personal dive of exploring relationship dynamics. I was reading many different books. I cannot remember which one sparked this awareness. But I remember thinking, “Oh, wow. How different it would be if in relationship, we saw each other as kin on this path of life. What if we acknowledged that we are all working through pain, hurt, and injury? What if we recognized that we are all fighting with our inner demons at times? What if we could have this understanding in relationship? Would we be able to have a little more patience with each other? Would we have a little more grace in the matters?” In a committed intimate relationship, we have the opportunity to hold a very sacred space for each other. With love and intimacy, we let our guard down. We open up our hearts. At the same time, we get in touch with our insecurities, fear and vulnerability. What if we accepted that we are going to have fear, pain, and protection emerge? What if we gave each other space to work it out? What if we held a place of love and belief for one another? A safe, sacred container allows for profound personal work to occur, and there is more permission to explore without the threat of losing love and relationship. HOW TO IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP CLIMATE How do we nurture this proverbial container? How do we remember that we are human, wounded, and fallible? How do we remember to be compassionate, kind, and patient? People’s religious and/or spiritual practices typically help tremendously in this arena. People pray for strength and guidance. People meditate to get perspective and detach from being overly identified with their pain. People reconnect with their essence of love, joy and peace, so that they can reorient their focus. Religious or spiritual communities can give a sense of support, unity, and inspiration to tolerate some of the emotional discomfort and disconnect. What if you do not have a religious or spiritual practice? Develop a practice. If you do not know what to do, start experimenting. Positive psychology focuses on topics such as happiness, gratitude, love, kindness, compassion, peace, etc. Do a few internet searches which will give you many ideas to start with. Next week, I will be talking about the power of kindness in relationship. This episode will also give you some specific ideas on how to cultivate more kindness and generosity in your relationship. Let me know if I can be of any support. Also, check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017   MENTIONED: ERP 122: How to Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate with Arielle Ford (podcast) ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin (podcast) ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship (podcast) ERP 096: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast) Photo by Jeff Sheldon on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 124: How To Improve The Climate Of Your Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST: DR. FRED LUSKIN Dr. Luskin founded and currently serves as Director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Projects. He is also Senior Consultant in Health Promotion/Wellness at the Stanford University Health Center and Department Chair in Clinical Psychology at Sofia University. At Stanford, Dr. Luskin teaches classes on Positive Psychology, The Art and Science of Meditation, Forgiveness, Wellness, Flourishing and The Psychology of Storytelling to undergraduate and graduate students. To many different organizations all over, Dr. Luskin conducts numerous workshops and trainings in relationship enhancement, stress management, emotional intelligence and positive psychology. Dr. Luskin is the author of the best-selling books “Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness” and “Forgive for Love: The Missing Ingredient for a Healthy and Happy Relationship.” (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) EXCERPTS FROM DR. FRED LUSKIN WHAT IS FORGIVENESS? “Forgiveness is making peace with the word no.” Dr. Fred Luskin Forgiveness is the antidote to a hissy fit, when a desire is thwarted. Forgiveness is the process of resolving the upset and being back at peace. Forgiveness is an internal cognitive, affective, storytelling process. WHAT ABOUT UNFORGIVABLE ACTS? The number of ways that people are horrific to each other is pretty much endless. When it comes to one person’s experience, nobody wants anyone in their life harmed. It is unimaginably painful to sit in a group of people who have had family members killed. It is almost shocking to recognize how much this happens in this world. There is a level of compassion and understanding as an overlay. When you look at one person’s experience, whether it is someone cut me off in traffic or someone murdered my child, it is still the same basic problem that I couldn’t get what I wanted. This issue haunts human beings all the time. The question is not “Is that good or pleasant?” It was awful. The question is “How long does it take for our brain and soul to recover?” “If that is too big for you, which it might be, forgive everything else.” Don’t use that as an excuse not to forgive anything. Instead, say “this mountain is too big for me to climb, but I will climb another mountain.” Even though the thing that happened is mind boggling horrific, the truth is there are many, many people who have actually had that direct experience and moving ahead with successful lives. And there are people who have had worse experiences happen to them in other parts of the world. And we can’t allow all of these atrocities to form a foundation of “We are never going to get over this.” If we were too say, “Yes, this is too bad to let go of.” There would be no room left. We would simply weave a web of endless pain and hatred, which is not sustainable for a world. “Without forgiveness there is no future.” Desmond Tutu Without forgiving, we don’t have the same amount of future. We are still living in the past. FORGIVENESS IN RELATIONSHIP Imagine two people romantically interested in each other and they both have 12 pieces of luggage with them.They are both looking out behind their luggage. Between them and the 24 pieces of luggage they can barely see each other. That is the damage. If you hide behind your wounds. People can’t see you and you can’t see them. Not forgiving leads to bitterness. As an example, when working with someone who has experienced divorce, been left or cheated on, he will ask some questions of personal responsibility: What were you doing with that person? What were the signs that you ignored? How did you think even the simplest thing… if 50% of relationships end in divorce…and you live in a culture that doesn’t do relationship well, so how can you be that shocked when it happens to you? WHEN SOMEONE STUCK? In the case of modest, normal trauma, if someone is still very, angry 6 months after the experience happens that it a bad prognosticator. Anger is meant to be a short-term defense against both seeing your complicity or starting to work on your own reactivity. Proximity to the experience matters: If after 6 month, and someone is still angry, it is not very adaptive. If someone is angry 3 months after the incident, I tend to not challenge because that is normal grief. If someone is angry 18 months later, I tend to challenge that a lot. VULNERABILITY The whole issue of forgiveness is about vulnerability. We are all so frightened to admit how frighten we are. There is a deep vulnerability that we are all struggling to cope with. We are all vulnerable to so many things and we want to keep that awareness from our consciousness. One of the ways we keep that awareness from our consciousness is we ignore it. Secondly, we have all these cognitive distortions. Like inventing rules for other people or fantasies about how life is suppose to be because we do not want to face our lack of control and influence over things. What we do with this vulnerability is we react, as we should, with grief, outrage, and fear. But if we are not careful, we identify the whole problem in the person or event that hurt us rather than seeing that we are always vulnerable. The problem with forgiveness comes when we are unwilling to sit with our vulnerability and hold the specific pain of the experience. Instead, we spend all of our energy making whatever happened to us wrong. When the whole focus is projected outward, we can’t actually address the problem. The problem is to develop resilience and depth inside ourselves to handle how many times life will confront us with these type of issues. TWO CENTRAL MISTAKES In terms of relationships, human beings make two central mistakes. People forget to acknowledge that: When they commit to somebody, they are committing to their good point and their bad points. Every single human being is deeply flawed. ACCEPTANCE AND FORGIVENESS BEFOREHAND The deeper preparation in a long-term relationship is to see that “I am joining with a flawed, wounded, imperfect person.” That is the absolute bottom line in relationship. The other piece is “I am flawed, wounded, and imperfect, so I am not going to see them clearly.” A basic implicit compassion-forgiveness that starts at the beginning this is crucial in relationship. While it is hard, the challenge then becomes being gentle towards us both. Older couples understand the nature of their partner’s flaws implicitly and love them anyway. Marriage should provide training for us to grow as people who can love, with self-control, compassion, forgiveness, gentle and kindness. Marriage and relationship can be used as spiritual practice for us to grow in our own dealing with reactivity. PRACTICE: Can you believe that somebody can actually put up with you? How is that possible? Look at all the ways you are selfish, annoying, and disrespectful. Interesting…someone will willing to come home to you. A flip in orientation from self-absorbed, narcissism to seeing the relationship from a forgiving point of view. Forgiveness is a decision. Commitment is essential for a long-term relationship, and the commitment requires some degree of forgiveness. These show notes are comprised of excerpts from Dr. Fred Luskin’s interview. To learn more about forgiveness, see the resources below. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017   MENTIONED: Forgive for Good, by Dr. Fred Luskin Forgive for Love, by Dr. Fred Luskin Youtube videos of Dr. Fred Luskin Robert Sternberg’s Triangular Theory Of Love (Wikipedia) ERP 026: How To Repair & Resolve Hurt In Relationship (podcast) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 123: Forgive For Love With Dr. Fred Luskin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST ARIELLE FORD: Arielle Ford is a love and relationship expert and a leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement. For the past 25 years she has been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and the producer and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series. Arielle is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books, including Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate devoted to exploring a simple, fun and effective way to attain groundbreaking shifts in perception so that you can embrace and find the beauty and perfection in yourself and your mate. She calls this “going from annoyed to enjoyed!” She has been called “The Cupid of Consciousness” and “The Fairy Godmother of Love.” She lives in La Jolla, CA with her husband/soulmate, Brian Hilliard and their feline friends. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) ARIELLE FORD DEFINES A SOULMATE AS: Someone you can be completely be yourself with. Someone you share unconditional love with. When you look into your partner’s eyes, you have the experience of being home. IMPORTANT POINTS FROM ARIELLE FORD: WHAT IS LOVE AND THE PURPOSE OF A MARRIAGE? The fastest and best way to get a soulmate is to put your attention everyday on gratitude for all the love you already have in your life. Then, your heart become magnetic to romantic love. At least 90% of people are already with their soulmate. What you need to do is clear out all the gunk, the frustration, and all the disappointment, so that you can feel the love again. Most people don’t really know what love is because we think love is a feeling. “The really important thing about love is that it is a behavior. It is a practice. It is a decision. It is a choice.” Arielle Ford The purpose of marriage is to heal all of our childhood wounds. Arielle quotes Harville Hendrix in saying, “Our brain has an unconscious partner picker.” We pick somebody that comes with the playbook, with the owner’s manual on how to push all of our buttons, so that we can be healed. “The true path of the soulmate marriage is the deepest, most amazing, spiritual work to heal ourselves and each other. And it is not always fun.” Arielle Ford DEALING WITH CHALLENGES The bad news is 50% of first marriages, 64% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. The only thing that is consistent in all three marriages is you. While it looks like the problem is over there, chances are that is not true. Arielle quotes John Gottman in saying, “Every couple has a minimum of 9 irreconcilable differences.” It is our job in the relationship to find creative solutions to deal with our differences. She shared a personal story about her relationship with her husband and how she negotiated a challenge with him. She said, “Nothing effectively changed until I was willing to get honest and vulnerable with him.” One key she talked about in addressing a sensitive topic is understanding that “this is your best friend, your partner, your biggest cheerleader, your lover for life, your safe place to land, and approach these conversations from a place of love, kindness, and respect.” If you are really angry, that is not the time to have a conversation. Go get yourself to neutral first. Learn how to have constructive conversations and listen effectively (see below for resources). “The hardest part of life isn’t life, it is the other human beings in life.” Arielle Ford We all want to be loved and accepted for exactly who we are. Science is now showing that for every minute you have an angry judgmental thought you suppress your immune system for up to 8 hours. “The number one way to guarantee a long, happy life is to have a happy marriage.” Arielle Ford ARIELLE FORD SHARED TWO TIPS: 1. Awareness: Stop when you recognize a negative thought. Think to yourself, “Cancel. Cancel.” Replace the negative thought with a better thought. 2. Create a new connection:  Get yourself to neutral. With pen and paper, write down some memories about your partner and your relationship. What was it like when you first met? How did you feel when you met your partner? What are some of the best experiences you have had together? What have you most admired and respected about your partner? What are the happiest memories you shared together as a couple? Read the list and then write your partner the most beautiful love letter. Then, put it in an “I love you just because card” and put it in a place where they will find it when you are not around. DOUBTING THE RELATIONSHIP? If you are having serious doubts about your relationship, take 6 months to try new ways of relating before leaving your partner. Take baby steps. Read and learn relationship skills (see below), and see if you can reignite your love and connection. There is a 90% chance that you are with your soulmate and they still can be, but there are weeks, months or years of gunk in the way. You don’t need to wait until your partner is willing to engage in growth work. If you start changing, it is likely your partner will start changing too. If you are experiencing abuse or addiction issues in your relationship, please seek professional counseling. Attempt to address only one issue at a time. Communicate from a place of being a friend, being kind, and open to hearing. Check out the resources below as well as the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017   MENTIONED: Register for your first chapter of “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate” by Arielle Ford (opt-in) SoulmateSecret.com (Arielle’s “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate” website) SolumatePassion.com (Arielle’s “The Soulmate Secret” website) The Soulmate Secret (Arielle’s FaceBook page) A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) ERP 036: How To Offer The Gift Of Listening (podcast) ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make A Big Difference (podcast) Harville & Helen Hendrix (website) The Gottman Institute (website) The Hendricks Institute (website) Mary Morrissey (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 122: How To Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, with Arielle Ford [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

LISTENER’S QUESTION “I’ve been listening to your podcasts and they’ve been really helpful thank you! I am thinking of approaching my partner about your program in the near future because I think we would benefit from it greatly. Moving forward, I have a question for your podcast. For a bit of context, because I was working and undertaking law school at the same time I didn’t really date and have never had a boyfriend until recently. My mother is the biggest influence on my life and before I moved in with my now boyfriend of almost 3 yrs, I was living with her. I met him on Tinder and hid the fact that I was seeing someone and I didn’t introduce him to her until we decided we were official. She was hurt that I didn’t tell her about him earlier and the first thing she said to me when she met him was that while he was nice, I should see other people. I respectfully told her that we were already committed and that I didn’t want to see other people. I believe that no one will ever be ‘good enough’ in my mother’s eyes and since then, while she is polite and even charming in person – she has continued to give me grief about choosing my boyfriend and choosing to stay with him. Most of our arguments revolve around him in some way because she never fails to bring him up and make him ‘an issue’ for even something as petty as my boyfriend not driving a flashy new car. My question to you is, I probably haven’t been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven’t told my boyfriend that my mother doesn’t completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I’ve been hurt and I’ve lied. I don’t want him to dislike my mother because I love and respect her at the end of the day but I’m tired of pretending we just ‘had another argument’ and that I’m ok because I’m not. It’s also a very lonely experience. I have close friends who support me and know about the situation but my boyfriend is not aware of this. I look forward to any advice you can provide.” Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017   DR. JESSICA HIGGINS’ RESPONSE: Thank you for submitting your question. I imagine this has been an extremely difficult circumstance, and I am hopeful that you can improve the dynamic greatly. A few questions to start with: How come you did not want to tell your mother about your relationship to begin with? Were there patterns in your relationship with her that you are already uncomfortable with before you started dating your boyfriend? It is possible that on some level you were anticipating the dynamic to be challenging? Understanding your reasons for not telling her initially could be revealing and helpful in getting clear on what your needs and boundaries are with you mother. Gaining insight to this will also help in communicating your needs and boundaries with her, as you will have a more solid ground to stand on. Some possible reasons could be: Needing to find your own way. Feel your own identity. Make your own decisions without being so heavily influenced. Or simply wanting more space. Not being so connected to her along the way. Not having her be so involved. Or maybe she has had a history of displaying negativity for your individual pursuits. For example, does she get anxious and worried, and not trust you to make decisions for yourself because she wants to protect you. Or maybe she feels a little threatened that she will lose you. Or possibly she wants the best for you, but sometimes puts her judgment and opinions on you. It is interesting that you waited 3 years to share your relationship with your mother. You waited until it was serious enough (moving in together) to tell her. It almost seems as though you didn’t want her input until the relationship was already established. From the sounds of it, it doesn’t sound like your mom gave him much of a chance. If she had gotten to know him and then was expressing some objection, then maybe I would suggest giving her an opportunity to express her perceptions and judgments. However, this is not the case. She didn’t give him a chance. Taking in feedback from family and friends can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, it is great to get perspectives from people you know and trust. On the other hand, they are definitely biased and not a neutral party. Therefore, they may not see things as clearly as you would like and their opinions are often clouded by their own agenda. In regards to her statement about “seeing other people,” do you know what this was about for her? For example: Is it her stuff (see above examples)? Is she thinking you should get more dating experience? Is this her first impression, and she wants more for you in that she thinks you can do better? 1. ADDRESS THE ISSUE. Since you and your mother have been arguing about the issue, I am assuming she knows you are not happy about the dynamic. Although, if you decide to move forward with some new ways of relating to her, it might be helpful to clearly and specifically state your issue with her. For example, “When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my boyfriend or when you point out negative aspects of my boyfriend, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable.” 2. HELP HER UNDERSTAND: It is possible she may still be grappling with the fact that she has been out of the loop for so long. Maybe the only explanation she is coming up with is that you had something to hide… that you were not proud of your boyfriend or your relationship. While you may be trying to protect her feelings, I doesn’t sound like it is working for you or for her. Try to help her understand your honest experience to the best of your ability. For example, “You are such an important person in my life. I respect your opinion so much, and yet sometimes I wonder if I have relied on your input too much. I really want to be able to make more own decisions and learn for myself what works for me and what does not work for me.” “I do want to include you in my life. However, I may want some space and time to figure things out on my own first.” 3. LET HER KNOW YOUR DISCOMFORT AND PAIN. Again, clearly and specifically state your issue. For example: “When you talk in ways that suggest I should not be as committed to my relationship or when you point out negative aspects of my relationship or partner, I feel hurt, scared, angry and uncomfortable.” Feeling examples: Hurt that I don’t feel your support, trust, and belief. Scared about the possibility that you may never accept him and it will negatively impact my relationship with you, your relationship with him, and our possible future together as extended family. Angry that I continue to feel so upset by the whole dynamic. It doesn’t feel okay to me. Uncomfortable because I feel divided in my loyalties. For example: “When you speak poorly about us or him, I feel as though you are speaking poorly about me. It hurts me. I love him. I have chosen him. It is as if you are telling me what I love is bad, not good enough or that my decision is not good enough.” “He is my person. I am loyal to him. He is becoming (or is) my family too. I feel super uncomfortable and divided when you speak negatively about us or him. I do not want to feel as if I have to choose between loyalties. Loyalty to you as my mother and loyalty to him as my boyfriend.” 4. LET HER KNOW YOUR LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES. Assuming you already know your limits (from your question, it sounds like you have a good idea of what is not working for you. Although, if you still want support with this, see below for additional resources. Also, may want to do a general google search on “how to set boundaries with a parent”). For example: “Moving forward, I will not engage in negative talk about my relationship or my boyfriend. If you want to complain or express your worry or concern, I will politely excuse myself from the conversation or interaction.” 5. GIVE HER SOME GUIDANCE: If her current input is not what you are wanting, then perhaps it would be a good idea to tell her what you DO want from her. For example: “I would love for you to give him a chance. I would love for you to get to know him, look at his positive traits, and try to see why I love him.” “I would love for you to respect my choice in a partner. Even if you do not agree or totally get it, I would love for you to support my decision to be with him.” “Ideally, I would love for you to see his goodness and start to let him in and develop a relationship with him.” To your specific question: “My question to you is, I probably haven’t been authentic or completely honest in my relationship because I haven’t told my boyfriend that my mother doesn’t completely approve of him so… should I tell him? Or at least share with him the burden of this knowledge because by protecting him from it, I’ve been hurt and I’ve lied.” 6. COMMUNICATE YOUR ACTIONS STEPS IF SHE BREAKS YOUR BOUNDARY. I would communicate with your mother what you will do if she crosses your boundary. This will help her know what she can expect. You may let her know that up until now you have been holding her disapproval privately. However, you are no longer willing to carry the dishonesty and burden of the inauthentic behavior. You can tell her that you will not be keeping this a secret any longer. You will no longer be willing to lie or deceive your boyfriend. As uncomfortable as it is to set a limit with her, this dynamic has been too painful. I would give your mother a chance to adjust to your boundaries. Even warn her when she starts to cross them, and then make sure you follow through. This is the most important part. If you do not assert your boundary, then your mother is likely to continue on with her behavior. WHAT IF SHE DOES NOT CHANGE? If she continues to express her disapproval, even with your setting boundaries and removing yourself from the interaction. Then, I think it is really appropriate and healthy to bring your boyfriend into the fold. For example: “I want to talk to you about my mother. As you know, my mother and I have been very close in my life. And since I have not dated very much at all, this is a new experience for her. I have been struggling with how to deal with her and how this all gets very complicated. As you know, I did not want to include her at all at first. I wanted to protect our relationship from her antics. I am still working out with her what her issues are whether she feels scared of losing me or what. I feel terrible that she has not been more supportive and respectful. I have been setting limits with her and I will continue to do so. I will no longer protect her. If she does something unsupportive or disrespectful, I will remove myself from the situation. I will do my best to take care of our relationship and you. I would like for you to know how hard this has been for me. I feel sadness and grief that she has not been easier to deal with and that she hasn’t truly welcomed our relationship or you with open arms and a warm heart. I don’t want to feel hurt you. I understand this might be confusing and even feel like a betrayal. For she seems to approve when we are together, and then expresses her disapproval when you are not around. At some point, I would love for you to understand this is more about how my mother treats me and our relationship than it is about you. I would love to be able to turn to you and let you know how much it bothers me and upsets me that she cannot be supportive in the way that I want her to be.” WHAT IF HE THINKS NEGATIVELY OF HER? Your mother has made some choices about how she has shown up in this situation. This is reflective of her and her experience. As much as you can try, you cannot control her or her behavior. If you set limits and boundaries with her, help her understand your parameters, than you are not betraying her. She is making a decision based on the information and boundaries you have set. Your boyfriend is going to experience what is real. It is important for him to know what is really going on, so that he can learn how to deal with the situation as well. You can not do this work for him. He will have his own process. You cannot continue to pretend for her. It is hurting you too much. You are not responsible for her behavior, and it is not okay to ask you to lie and pretend for her. I truly believe this dynamic will improve greatly if you can find your position and communicate your limits and boundaries clearly with your mother…AND take action to follow through in honoring your own boundaries. Let me know how it goes and if I can be of any support. Check out the Connected Couple program to develop happy, lasting love: For a limited time only, you can use this coupon code for a 20% discount: fall2017   MENTIONED: ERP 053: How To Build Emotional Assertiveness In Relationship (podcast) ERP 025: Be The Best You Can Be In Relationship (podcast) ERP 057: How To Avoid Enabling Your Partner’s Destructive Behavior (podcast) ERP 018: How To Deal With Feelings Of Anger In Relationship (podcast) ERP 012: Dealing With Extended Family’s Expectations (podcast) Photo by Taduuda on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 121: How To Get An Unsupportive Parent Onboard [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

THE CHALLENGE WITH WEDDING VOWS: Wedding vows are beautiful expressions of love. When we go to a wedding, we want to hear about the couple’s love for one another. We are moved by the deeply sentimental proclamations. We are inspired by the power of love, demonstrated through a reading, scripture, poem, original vows or some combination. However, vows are often aspirational and very hard to follow. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) Last fall, my husband and I went to a friend’s wedding. They got married on a yacht and had a small ceremony. The groom is someone who I used to take volleyball lessons from and is an amazing teacher and coach. Coach John Wooden has had a huge influence on his teachings, so it was fitting that he incorporated a quote from Wooden: “Promise to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit trouble to press on you. – John Wooden” Truthfully, I love these expressions probably more than most people. And I work with couples all the time and see how they do not have practical direction with their commitments. Their vows do not support their practice of loving each other in the every day moments of life. Not only do vows tend to be more aspirational rather than practical, they tend to be very general and vast. Most people who have explored how to set and accomplish goals have come across S.M.A.R.T. goals…which stand for Specific. Measurable. Actionable. Realistic. Time-Bound. Now, I am not suggesting that couples turn their vows into goals. However, I do think it can be extremely helpful for couples to have working agreements and operational commitments. COMMITMENTS TO GUIDE US: Back in 2006, Reid, my now husband and boyfriend at the time, were taking a short road trip. We were in the car and I remember him asking me what I thought about commitments. I told him that I thought commitments are most powerful and work best when they are seen as self-commitments and guiding principles. Commitments that I hold myself to and work towards. It is my integrity and desire that give me the motivation, rather than the obligation we often think about when we imagine a commitment to someone else. EMPIRICALLY SUPPORTIVE MARRIAGE VOWS – AN EXAMPLE A couple of years ago, I came across this article “How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum” I saved the article because I loved the example of how practical and scientifically proven ways of loving could be woven into marriage vows. Granted both partners are psychologists, and they understand “that one of the most challenging tasks in a person’s life is successfully navigating romantic relationships.” They wanted to be mindful and intentional about their commitments and not leave the success of their marriage up to chance. Here are some of their vows: “On a daily basis, think about what your spouse does that you value, and verbally express your gratitude. No one is perfect, and focusing on your partner’s shortcomings while overlooking their desirable qualities doesn’t enhance anyone’s enjoyment of the relationship –- not your partner’s, and not your own. So Melanie, when Justin is ready to go to bed a solid three hours before you, let him know that you appreciate how conscientious he’s being. And Justin, when Melanie frenetically dances around the house to Tropi-Pop tunes at 11 PM on a Tuesday, let her know you appreciate her spirit and vim. However, everyone fights occasionally, and what determines whether couples stay together isn’t whether they fight, but how they fight. When disagreements arise, listen to your partner, acknowledge the role you had in the conflict, focus on specific behaviors rather than criticizing your partner’s personality, and share concerns in a polite, empathetic manner. Respect each other in good times and bad. It’s also important to create shared positive experiences. Hobbies are a great way to do this, and some are better than others for promoting good relationships. Activities that let you face challenges together as a team are an ideal way to build a stronger bond. As a bonus, exciting activities that increase your heart rate will let you benefit from misattribution of arousal. So, for the sake of your relationship, continue traveling, exploring, mud-running, moving cross-country, and taking risks — as a team. Although it’s good to do things together, it’s also important to support each other’s personal freedom and autonomy. People enter into relationships because they admire the other individual. Help your partner continue to be that individual by respecting their personal goals and interests. Sometimes that’s as simple as asking questions to show your support. So don’t worry, Justin, there’s no need to sign up for Zumba yourself — but do continue to ask Melanie how it went whenever she comes home from teaching a class.” If you want to read the article and see their references, you can check it out here. In my work with couples, I have found it to be so important for the couple to have a shared philosophy, especially about how to handle challenges. Most couples have no idea how to deal with upset and disagreement when it happens. DRIFTING AWAY FROM EACH OTHER: Unfortunately, we are all familiar with couples “falling out of love” and “drifting part.” The sad reality is that we often expect our love to flourish without investing the time, energy, and effort into the connection. Recently, I was watching This Is Us, a show on NBC.  There was an exchange between two friends. One friend confronted the other about his marriage falling apart. Here is an excerpt (from episode 14 “I Call Marriage”): “You want to know why my marriage ended Jack? For as long as I can remember, I have woken up at 6:30 every day to make Shelly coffee, splash of milk two sugars. I would make it and bring it to her in bed. She says that he day doesn’t even start until she’s got caffeine in her veins. And then one day, woke up , 6:30, like always, and I made myself one. I just didn’t feel like making Shelly one. And the worst part is she didn’t even notice. We stopped noticing each other, Jack. We stopped trying to make each other happy. When we realized that, we knew it was over. Now, I think that every single couple has a handful of these moments when you reach a crossroads. Just sometime it happens early on, first fight…sometimes it happens ten years in, when you’ve had the same fight about taking out the trash every night for a week. They’re make or break these moments. And you either roll up your sleeves and you fight for what you’ve got or you decide that you’re tired and you give up. And I had one of these moments when I didn’t make Shelly her coffee.” In an email that I recently got from Dr. Keith Witt, he wrote:  “How to intentionally maintain your marital love affair?” Cultivate “I’ll do what it takes,” commitments to nurture the marital love affair throughout lifecycles. We begin relationships with a “I’ll stay as long as…” commitments, as in, “I’ll stay as long as we love each other,” or “As long as my needs are fulfilled.” If we are successful at taking care of our love for each other, these shift to “I’ll do what it takes.” commitments, where we both resolve to face problems and work through them when issues arise. “I’ll do what it takes,” couples tend to stay together and be more fulfilled. “I’ll do what it takes,” couples are more willing to keep focusing on the marital love affair to keep it satisfying and alive through all the life stages.” OPERATIONAL COMMITMENTS: What you will do when you are feeling challenged? When you feel distant… resentful…hurt? How will you show up? How will you deal? Do you know what your operational commitments are in your marriage/relationship? If not, I encourage you to schedule some time to develop them. Maybe for your next anniversary take some time to add some practical and conscious commitments to your marriage vows. If you feel like you and your partner could use an overhaul in your ways of operating together. Sign-up for the free webinar on March 15th to get some insight into how to cultivate a happier more connected relationship as well as learning about the Connected Couple program. Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks offer some great input about conscious commitments, in their article titled “Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment” (summarizing their book by the same title): Commitment 1: I commit myself to full closeness, and to clearing up anything within me that stands in the way. Commitment 2: I commit myself to my own complete development as an individual. Commitment 3: I commit to revealing myself fully in the relationship, not to concealing myself. Commitment 4: I commit myself to the full empowerment of people around me. Commitment 5: I commit myself to acting from the awareness that I am 100 percent the source of my reality. Commitment 6: I commit myself to having a good time in my close relationships. Creating and maintaining conscious commitments is an ever evolving process, as you continue to explore and deepen in yourself and your intimacy with your partner. MENTIONED: How To Build A Happy, Lasting Love – Webinar (webinar link) How To Craft An Empirically Supported Marriage, by Melanie Tannenbaum (article) This Is Us (NBC episode) ERP 093: How The “Shadow” Influences Our Growth In Life And In Relationship With Dr. Keith Witt (podcast episode) Conscious Loving: The Journey To Co-Commitment (article) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 098: How are your Marriage Vows helping you? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.