Podcasts about resources sex

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty explore witnesses – the people who have seen your experiences and are ready to help you move forward. When you begin questioning whether your experience was real, why you acted out the way you did, or what really happened, a witness can offer direction and healing as you move forward, without the demonization and destigmatization that often faces addicts. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:27] What does recovery mean?  [6:15] Who do you want to take with, and who do you want to leave behind?  [7:55] A witness will help shape your experience.  [10:10] Pain and shame makes more sense with a witness's perspective.  [12:40] Where are the hospices for the addicted?  [13:50] Overcoming prejudice against addicts in the recovering community.  [20:58] Sex addiction and porn addiction garner very little support.  [25:54] Education on healthy sexuality in recovery.  [32:15] Reembracing sexuality in recovery.  [34:47] Revealing trauma, then moving forward.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Johanna O'Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “A witness helps shape who we become and how we walk through life.”  “Where are the hospices for the addicted?”  “In the journey of healing, we need to give people hope.”  “What we long for in a relationship is intimacy, and then sexuality.”

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty consider the role of a therapist as a witness – one that supports with empathy and compassion. They share the questions to ask a therapist before the first session, and how to identify the right trauma therapist that will lead you to recovery and healing. Healing is meant to happen in communities, and together Dr. Rob and O'Flaherty inspire and encourage listeners to connect with those that can be a witness to healing.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] The place for empathy and compassion.  [3:25] Finding the right trauma therapist.  [5:10] Questions to ask therapists before the first session. [8:25] A good therapist is the first medicine in healing.  [11:53] Dr. O'Flaherty's book Flight with Weighted Wings.  [15:45] Healing happens in community.  [19:29] Connecting with Dr. O'Flaherty.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Johanna O'Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “If you have wounded me, it may not be my job initially to have empathy for you.”  “How do you feel when you sit with a therapist?”  “The best therapy is not about the work, it's about the relationship.”  “Healing happens in community.” 

Adam Nisenson and Dr. Rob continue their conversation about betrayed men. They share the worst advice a betrayed man can hear, how to determine if reconciliation is the right next step, and the reality that being cheated on does not justify cheating. Adam shares resources, including The ManKind Project, that have helped him through his own healing and how to engage men who have no interest in therapy.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:44] Reconciling is possible, but not always preferred.  [3:40] Therapy for the men who have no interest in therapy.  [7:20] 12-Step programs for betrayed men.  [9:55] She cheated, should I have sex with someone else?  [11:45] The worst advice a betrayed man can hear.  [14:51] Determining if reconciliation is the right next step.  [17:36] My needs aren't being met. Does that justify cheating?  [19:39] The ManKind Project.  [24:02] Does age affect a man's ability to heal from betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “She might have done this to you, but it's also happening to you. What do you want to do about it?” “If you need help, ask for help!”  “Even if your partner cheated on you, that doesn't give you permission to cheat.” 

Adam Nisenson, also known as The Betrayal Shrink, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. Together with Dr. Rob he highlights the need for betrayed men to have support and healing just as much as women do. He shares his own healing journey, the support that he offers men who have been betrayed, and why he believes that his own betrayal experience was actually worth it.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] The depth of Adam's betrayal as a man.  [6:20] Adam recalls his feelings on D-Day.  [8:52] The importance of having a safe, supportive place to grieve. [9:50] Rediscovering self-worth when reconciling or separating.  [13:53] Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power. [17:55] Navigating betrayal from a child's perspective.  [20:02] Adam's decision to support other betrayed men.  [22:45] Key differences between betrayed men and women.  [26:44] Is it just sex? Or is it love?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Adam Nisenson Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Having a safe, healthy place to grieve and be seen was a game-changer for me.”  “Projecting unhealthy anger on others gives them the power.”  “I wanted to make therapy cool for men.”  “Emotional betrayal is just as painful as physical betrayal, and they both destroy trust.”  “It was through my pain that I discovered who I really was.” 

Erin Snow is the Clinical Director at Seeking Integrity, CSAT, and a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She and Dr. Rob discuss a week-by-week overview of residential treatment, the key points of trauma work and treatment, and the hope that she regularly sees as addicts encounter consequences, confront early trauma, and what it really takes to heal individuals and their loved ones from addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:08] Erin's journey toward Seeking Integrity.  [4:50] The healing at Seeking Integrity focuses on much more than sex addiction.  [7:41] Key points of trauma work and treatment.  [12:15] Why is my partner connecting to their therapist but not me?  [13:43] A week-by-week overview of residential treatment.  [20:29] Attachment and connection are not what a spouse is thinking about.  [26:28] Why isn't our relationship enough to make him change?  [31:00] What is it like for Erin being a woman working with addict men?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Erin Snow Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “I can see an opportunity for my clients to find meaning in living again.”  “In trauma work, you can lose yourself in the why and never move to the place of how to move on from this.”  “Healing happens the way it's supposed to as long as you're doing the next right thing.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz continue their discussion about the connection between intimacy and sex. She highlights the role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal, addresses the myths of monogamy, and counters the dangerous statement that too many betraying partners tell themselves, because what you don't know actually will hurt you, will hurt your partner, and will hurt everyone around you.     TAKEAWAYS: [1:22] Coming to peace with the trauma that happens in betrayal.  [4:25] Who were you before you came into this relationship?  [6:02] The power of opening up when overcoming betrayal trauma.  [9:08] The role of hormones in sex addiction and betrayal.  [11:10] What does monogamy look like in humans?  [14:28] The deeper hurt that comes when love appears while cheating.  [19:15] What you don't know won't hurt you, or will it?  [21:20] Connect with Dr. Erika Schwartz.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “If humans are monogamous, why are we all having affairs? It's because monogamy is a choice.” “Sexuality and intimacy are not the same. That's when we start behaving differently.”  “Love is the core of everything. If it's love, move out of the way.”  “What you don't know will hurt me, will hurt you, and will hurt everyone around you.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Erika Schwartz discuss the connection between intimacy and sex – what it is, how it varies based on age, gender, and culture, and what a partner's betrayal really means about the relationship. The author of The Intimacy Solution, Dr. Erika explores the connection between sex and intimacy at all stages of life and answers the question that so many betrayed partners grapple with – “If you really loved me, why would you do this?”    TAKEAWAYS: [2:28] Dr. Erica defines the key differences between sex and intimacy. [4:45] Gender and cultural insights into sex and intimacy.  [7:48] The link between the pathology of addicts and lack of communication in relationships.  [10:27] “If you really loved me, you wouldn't do this.”  [14:42] The reasons partners choose to leave or to stay.  [16:15] The danger of trying to hold on to the intensity of the 18-year-old life.  [17:34] Oxytocin is a key component of intimacy and connection.  [21:52] Does “in sickness and in health” apply to betrayal and addiction?  [27:15] Your partner's addiction isn't about you, but it is about honoring the truth.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Erika Schwartz Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “You can live a much easier life if you see how the other side views sexuality and intimacy.”  “There is a lot in sexuality that we don't talk about that we should be talking about.”  “You have to figure out how to fix your problem. Your partner can't do it for you.”  “If they are everything to you, then you are nothing to yourself.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T' and little ‘t' trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work?  [5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work.  [7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited.  [9:28] Differences between big ‘T' and little ‘t' trauma.  [12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you.  [19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations?  [24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal.  [26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women's intensives is not on the spouse.  [28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.”  “The beginning of trauma work is awareness.”  “I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.”  “For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:21] A little bit about Dr. O'Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery.  [3:54] Dr. O'Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery.  [5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer.  [7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole.  [9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual's coping skills.  [11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work. [12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting.  [16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation.  [20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter? [22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person's entire life.  [25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma.  [28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O'Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “We're all wounded in some form or another.”  “We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.”  “A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual's coping abilities.”  “Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it's ugly head.”  “We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.”  “That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.” 

Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward.  One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups.  If the first one isn't a good fit, don't give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works.  [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won't automatically shift your behavior.  [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past.  [11:28] If you're acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy.  [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse's addiction?  [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don't allow it.  [24:26] “I don't belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey 12 Step Recovery    QUOTES: “I didn't want to make a complete lifestyle change.  I wanted to get better, but avoid that.”  “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn't really help you on the ground.”  “The 12 Step Program isn't going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.”  “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner.  It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”   

Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships.  He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict.  Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up.  No matter what scenario you're in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don't understand about addicts, from the partner perspective.  [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married.  [6:30] From a spouse's point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don't ask, don't tell' only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one' can't resolve a loved one's addiction.  [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate.  [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts.  [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.  [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through.  [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery.  [19:39] Geoff's career of treating sex addicts didn't start until he was in recovery.  [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn't self-disclose to his patients.  [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey   QUOTES: “From a spouses' point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.”  “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn't unique to me.  This is a problem that many men experience.”  “I can't even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”   

Heather Cronemiller and Lacy Bentley join Dr. Rob to talk about female sex addiction and the damage it can cause families. Both Lacy and Heather share their personal experience with being the ‘other woman' and how, despite it going against everything they believed in, they still continued down a path of destruction. When it comes to any form of addiction, what we're really fighting against is deeply broken attachment wounds. Find out more on today's episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] A little bit about Lacy and how she got introduced with Dr. Rob.  [3:20] A little bit about Heather and how she met Dr. Rob.  [5:30] Despite being married, Heather felt like she wasn't with her soul mate. Everything she thought love was, was wrong.  [6:15] What does mature love feel like? [8:55] Heather realized through her own recovery, her husband is a wonderful man and replacing him with the ‘flavor of the month' won't fix the problem.  [13:35] What is polygamy and does it actually exist? Is it just a mask for sex addiction?  [21:00] Why is sex ‘never enough' when working with sex addicts? [23:35] What does it look like to work with someone like Lacy as a female sex addict?  [25:00] Heather shares her personal experience working with Lacy and how it helped her move forward and on a healthier path of recovery.  [26:15] Heather talks about her recovery journey and what that looks like for her. [30:15] Lucy and Heather talk about their upcoming book, Going Deeper for Women!  [38:15] How does addiction bleed into other aspects of our lives?  [41:10] Heather shares why their book is going to help any woman going through addiction.  [47:10] There are nasty names we call women that we don't call men, despite them both doing the same actions.  [50:50] Dr. Rob has met very few men who understand the experience of a woman and what she has to deal with when she goes out into the world.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Herrecoveryroadmap.com Oakhaven-counseling.com Going Deeper for Women   QUOTES: “Mature love is a choice and that can be complicated to say because it doesn't feel like a choice.” “How many partners do you need for it to be ‘enough'? In sex addiction, it's never enough.” “We are dealing with attachment wounds. We are dealing with childhood trauma. We're not dealing with a woman who has a fully functional relational brain..”

Annie and Melisa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren't always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands' addictions and how they got through it.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it's difficult to hide or protect your children from what's happening within your household.  [4:20] Melisa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage.  [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle.  [6:45] Did Annie's husband's porn use affect their intimate life?  [12:55] When Melisa  joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn't going through this journey alone.  [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up.  [30:50] Melisa  knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn't know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself.  [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends.   [39:15] How did Melisa and Annie meet? They're so grateful for each other and their support!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “You trust your spouse and it's something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.” “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn't go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now'. At least, I couldn't.” “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

Annie and Melisa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren't always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal.  [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today?  [3:50] When Melisa first found out about the betrayal, she didn't see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does.  [6:25] Melisa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn't.  [13:00] What made Melisa throw her husband out of the house?  [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs?  [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship?  [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years.  [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn' means these days. It's not just looking at a naked image anymore!  [28:50] Guys look at porn, what's the big deal?  [31:15] Melisa's husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late'. She knew something was wrong, but couldn't quite put her finger on why or what.  [32:45] Melisa's husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children's lives because of his addiction.  [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband's addiction, all the attention went to him. That's when she felt so alone.  [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband's CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support!  [40:40] Melisa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up.  [41:15] Melisa found out that their couple's therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple's therapist. If you're a therapist, don't do this!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “Anything that's kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn't matter if it's with a person or not. It's all kept secrets and it's all painful.” “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don't understand.” “Just because he screws up doesn't mean I'm going to throw my lift under a bus.”

Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist.   [10:10] Due to Jason's rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others. [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process. [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people.  [22:05] It's important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you're currently are.  [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth.  [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard.  [37:45] There was a time in Jason's life where going to therapy seemed impossible.  [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story?  [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don't have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.” “Be honest with where you're at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.” “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don't think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it's intentional and sometimes it's not. ”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner's trust.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star?  [3:40] Women feel like if he's watching porn, he's checked out of the relationship.  [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so.  [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult? [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails' on it.  [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it's going to be okay. It doesn't mean that's where you're going to end up.  [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again?  [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.” “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.” “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it's okay to ask for your needs to be met.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is porn cheating?  [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution?  [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal?  [12:05] Porn, what's the big deal? I'm not cheating on you!  [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply?  [22:35] How can we regain a partner's trust after a betrayal?  [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It's okay to have needs!  [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people.  [29:55] Porn isn't the issue, it's the trust!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it's a big deal.” “It's not the act of what you're doing specifically, it's the deception. It's what you've hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.” “It makes absolute sense why you're reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio's Sex and Relationships show and she's the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.    TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again.  [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice'?  [10:15] It's very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice.  [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out.  [19:40] It's so hard to stay committed to someone when you've had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they've hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support.  [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history?  [34:35] You've consciously chosen to stay, now what?  [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple.   [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you're becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…?   QUOTES: “I didn't know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What's the impact of you living authentically? It's one thing to be sad about the life you had, it's another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we'?”

Dr. Monique Thompson is a Psychotherapist in Dallas, Texas. She has seen over 1,000 couples in her counseling practice over the years and now shares tips and tools for couples to help recover from infidelity. She recently wrote a workbook for couples who are looking to recover from infidelity and shares her industry insights with Dr. Rob on today's episode. After infidelity, many couples are unconsciously going to war with one another. Dr. Monique shares how you can get back to peaceful territory once again.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Monique decide to write a book about infidelity recovery? [7:20] What responsibilities or accountability should the non-affair partner take on?   [10:55] When you choose to stay, you have to mentally keep in mind you're going to war. You're no longer in a time of peace.  [11:25] Some couples never consciously choose to stay. They just didn't get divorced and that is not the same.  [15:35] Why did Dr. Monique write the Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples? [20:30] Your own healing comes from a place of healing within yourself. Your partner won't be able to help you with that.  [24:30] Are you compelled to set down ultimatums in hopes your partner will change?  [32:25] Dr. Monique shares why it's important to take a deep breath in and reset your mindset. [36:00] Sometimes people cheat because they can't be themselves. What happens when someone finally reveals their ‘true' persona and their partner still wants to leave? [39:55] Does Dr. Monique have a different approach for a young couple vs. an older couple?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Doctormoniquethompson.com/ Infidelity Recovery Workbook for Couples   QUOTES: “If you're choosing to stay, you're choosing to go off to war. You're not at home during peace time.” “Sometimes, people really didn't choose to stay, they just didn't get a divorce. That's not the same.” “I ask couples if they are willing to set a peace treaty down for a period of time to be able to begin the work.”

Dr. Jamie Marich is a facilitator of transformative experiences. A clinical trauma specialist, expressive artist, writer, yoga teacher, performer, short filmmaker, Reiki master, TEDx speaker, and recovery advocate. Marich has taught conscious dance seminars at various conferences nationally, internationally, and online, and has trained more than 500 facilitators in the Dancing Mindfulness practice. She is also the author of several books including the original Trauma and the 12 Steps.    Dr. Stephen Dansiger is a master EMDR therapist and provider of EMDR Basic Training and Advanced Topics Courses with the Institute for Creative Mindfulness, and has helped set up the premiere Buddhist addictions rehab center, Refuge Recovery Centers. He has been practicing Buddhist mindfulness for almost 30 years (including a one year residency at a Zen monastery), and teaches dharma classes regularly in Los Angeles and other centers internationally.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:40] Why did Dr. Jamie and Dr. Stephen write a Trauma and the 12 Steps workbook?  [6:40] Dr. Jamie loves writing books because it's accessible for everyone, especially those who might not be able to afford therapy.  [7:35] What made Dr. Stephen excited to collaborate with Dr. Jamie?  [11:55] How do people heal their trauma while they're also reliving it?  [13:40] What is the greatest gift about being a therapist specializing in trauma?  [17:00] Why throw 12-step practices into this mix of trauma and healing? [21:00] People enjoy the structure that 12 Steps brings and it makes it easier for them to follow a healing journey if they know what to expect. [30:00] Dr. Jamie talks about Step 6 and how it can perpetuate feelings of shame.  [33:40] Now that you know about your trauma, what are the next steps? It's important not to fall into a victim mindset. [43:30] What is mindfulness, really?  [47:55] Many people who have come into a 12-step program have been wounded by God, and end up missing out on a wealth of knowledge and healing.  [50:20] What books should you start with first?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjamiemarich.com Drdansiger.com Traumamadesimple.com   QUOTES: “There is not a separation between trauma therapy and 12 Steps, and Buddhist practice. It all goes together.” “Hurt people hurt people, but how I really like to reframe that is trauma is this phononym where you can bleed all over each other.” “Yes I am responsible for adult behavior but I am not a bad person. I wasn't responsible for what happened to me, but how I learned to adapt and survive, I am responsible for.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal?  [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe.  [7:25] What do couples complain the most about?  [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don't understand the internal errors that they're making.  [15:25] What happens if you're stuck in a relationship ‘role' that you don't like?  [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why.  [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other's Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “There are cultures where it's emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don't understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let's talk about conflict in a relationship.  [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important'?  [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up', so it's important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship.  [9:25] Someone might be something you've always wanted, but they're also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don't want'. It's important to navigate through that.  [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love.  [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously?  [23:00] When you're in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way?  [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It's a team sport.  [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you'll make mistakes, you won't be perfect, but you will get better at it.  [33:30] How do you have agreement when there's been a betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other's Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you're a human primate, you're going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we're still accountable if we're going to play fair and work together.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Jay and Larry, two men in recovery, to help people understand that addiction is a lot more complex than it seems on the surface. The opinion you have of yourself can keep you stuck in destructive patterns. It's so important to consciously put yourself in healthy and positive environments, like in a recovery or group program, if you ever wish to break free from the power of addiction.     TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] Larry had this internal dialogue going through his head, “This is just who you are.” [3:20] Larry's wife found out about him acting out at least 4-5 times. He shares how it completely tore her about.  [6:55] Larry didn't realize all of his lies were causing his wife PTSD.  [7:25] If there was anything that Larry could change, it would be to tell the truth and to tell it faster.  [8:45] Jay was living in a fantasy world and he didn't realize it was destroying the people who loved and cared for him.  [13:05] Why did Jay go to a residential program? Wasn't group therapy enough?  [15:45] Jay was able to prove through actions that he was taking his recovery seriously.  [18:00] Larry's experience with Dr. Rob was life changing.  [22:15] Mentorship is a very important piece to recovery. Jay has taken this on as part of his recovery and healing journey.  [24:00] When you lose trust with the people you love, then you lose what really defines the relationship.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “What other people don't know won't hurt them; is probably the biggest lie in addiction.” “I would think I was telling the truth, but I wasn't. I'd change a slight detail.” “A residential program accelerated my recovery. I was surrounded by people who were experts in the field and at the same time I had peers who made me feel safe.”  

Dr. Rob speaks with two people in recovery, Jay and Larry, about their addiction and the type of damage it has caused their families. Jay and Larry also talk about why they felt comfort in their addictions and how their lives have been improved now that they are sober and aware of their problem.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:25] Why did Jay seek help and go to treatment? [4:15] Jay was frustrated that he couldn't fix himself on his own. [5:25] Larry shares his experience with addiction.  [6:05] Larry was so afraid of connecting with people, which is why he found comfort with porn.  [9:15] At first, Larry thought it was his wife's problem on why they were having issues. It turned out, it was his addiction that was the problem. [12:30] Why did it take Jay 45 years to seek professional help? [15:50] Jay's first therapist did not believe in sex addiction. She thought he was just a liar. [18:55] Why did Larry keep telling his wife about the slips he had with porn? Why didn't he just keep it a secret? [21:15] Larry knew it was unhealthy, and Larry knew it was terrible, but he couldn't stop.  [26:15] Jay talks a little bit about his childhood, and why he found comfort in sex with strangers.  [30:00] When Jay would travel, it would trigger him because he was so lonely and he wanted to act out to fill the void. [32:35] Jay would try to use willpower for it to go away, but he just couldn't sustain it.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “I tried to do this on my own, but it wasn't until I got group therapy where I was able to get through my shame.” “Just going to a weekly meeting wasn't enough. It wasn't working. I was in a state of denial.” “I never realized what I was doing was part of an addiction. I thought I was just being a guy.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. Gary and Dr. Rob talks about trauma, the importance of storytelling and the ability to vocalize some of your unique experiences with addiction, and they offer clarification on what is considered a true addiction in this week's episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:45] At the root of every addiction, there is some form of trauma.  [4:25] What is the difference between big T and little T trauma?  [7:30] More and more people are talking about the traumas they grew up with.  [9:40] How do you know if you have an addiction? Isn't technically everything an addiction? [14:00] Children of alcoholics are completely focused on the other person.  [14:45] Gary is currently writing a book for adult children of sex addicts. What are some of the similarities/differences Gary sees among this group?  [17:20] Adult children of sex addicts often carry a lot of shame about their own sexual behavior and sexuality.  [19:30] These adult children have a very unique lens of extremes. Gary expands on what this means.  [22:10] How do these adult children deal with intimacy?  [23:30] With the internet, you're just one click away from seeing whatever sexual content you want. [26:45] Unfortunately, young children are learning about sex from porn.   [31:05] Are you sure you don't need help? Remember that denial is the enemy.  [33:30] Sex addiction feels so personal to the family even though it's not the spouse or children's fault.  [36:05] Your internal shame can slowly go away by talking about it in a support group.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “When our family [appears] perfect or you don't talk about it, we don't learn.” “Nobody comes to treatment to grow personally. People come in because they're in crisis.” “We adapt to situations that are intolerable when we love somebody.”

Dr. Rob speaks with Alcohol Counselor Gary Seidler about the long-term effects children experience when living in an alcoholic home. What happens to these children when they become older? Should children know about their parent's substance abuse and sex addiction issues? And what should adult children be aware of now that they're no longer in an alcoholic home? All these questions and more are answered on this week's podcast.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:55] A little bit about Gary and his work in the mental health field.  [5:55] Why did Gary pursue this work with adult children of alcoholics?  [12:00] What are the symptoms of these adult children who grew up around or in alcoholic homes?  [16:30] Why was there such a need for young adults of alcoholics to have a rooms program?  [21:10] Addiction is a family issue. No one is truly suffering alone.  [22:20] Gary shares some of the people he admires over the years that have done great things in this field.  [24:30] In the early days of these adult children of alcoholic conferences, it was the first time some of these people could voice their pain and hurt with others who also understood.  [25:20] Addiction is passed on generationally. It doesn't just stop at the addict. [30:10] Remember, going into rehab is only the beginning of your rehab journey.  [31:25] Gary shares his own personal experience with addiction and recovery.  [37:25] What does recovery mean to Gary?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Gary on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “John Bradshaw brought to the public consciousness the idea the dysfunction is not just in the addict, it spreads to the entire family.” “Addiction is really a family affair.” “For every addict, there are 3, 4, 5 people who are deeply affected.”

Dr. Rob invites Spiritual Counselor and Pastor, Jason Swilling, on to the podcast today. Jason works with Dr. Rob at the Seeking Integrity clinic. It doesn't matter what religion you believe in, or do not believe in, this is a great podcast episode for anyone who wants to understand their connection to a higher power and what that might mean for you. It doesn't matter if you are Muslim, Christian, or even an Atheist, Dr. Rob and Jason have some answers for you.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:05] A little bit about Jason and how he found Dr. Rob and his clinic.  [3:00] Although Jason studied Christianity and comes from that background. How does he work with people of other faiths?  [5:55] How does Jason help people work with some of their regrets and the things they did that went against their religious and moral beliefs?  [7:40] It's not about failing God, it's about failing yourself.  [11:05] How do you find your way back to God/religion?  [17:25] What about the people who do not have any religion or faith? How does Jason navigate that?  [18:00] In the 12-step program, you need some kind of faith. How do atheists manage or stay sober?  [23:20] It all comes down to your connection with others. Unfortunately, a lot of religious communities have forgotten this aspect.  [29:20] Dr. Rob feels like a lot of people are not welcomed in their religious communities and people then feel compelled to hide their shame and imperfections.  [35:15] As you share your secrets in a safe community, people in recovery get to experience something really beautiful for the first time. [39:25] Your recovery program works if you work it. Jason is proof of that.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “The spirituality of 12-step recovery is all inclusive. There is no discrimination against certain religions.” “Often times a spirituality of a person is that it's just me and God alone. I can take God off the shelf and I can put God on the shelf. And usually I put God on the shelf whenever I act out.” “I have friends who are atheists who are long-time sober and don't believe in God. Religion or any of that, is not necessary to work the recovery program to stay sober.”

Dr. Rob joins this week's podcast in a solo episode to talk about the concept of forgiveness. The truth is, there is no true deadline or timeframe as to when you should forgive someone for all the hurt and damage they've caused you, so how do you move forward? Dr. Rob shares the stages of forgiveness and offers context and support on why you might still be resentful and/or revengeful towards the person that hurt you the most.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:30] How do you forgive someone you do not trust? [3:45] Many people believe they don't think they could ever forgive or forget the damage their addict has caused them. [4:20] Forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing.  [9:30] Other people were able to see it, so why couldn't you? Dr. Rob shares why.  [13:20] There are many stages of grief and we can flutter in between each of them back and forth.  [17:15] You have the right to be upset! You have the right to be furious!  [20:20] No one is truly ready to forgive. You can't just say ‘now is the time'.  [23:30] How do you not hold a grudge/be resentful when your addict is on their path to recovery?  [28:15] If someone doesn't want to act with empathy and to think of the other person, then they shouldn't be in a relationship.  [33:00] It's so attractive and validating to want to punish your addict for all the transgressions they've done to you.  [36:10] What are the stages of forgiveness?  [37:35] You can get stuck during the forgiveness process. This isn't an easy thing to do.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “The whole idea of forgiveness creates conflict within us because we feel we need to reach a ‘certain point' and at that point, we're ready to forgive” “A lot of us struggle with forgiveness because, in part, we blame ourselves. We say, ‘We should have known.' and that's when forgiveness becomes complicated.” “There's a great reality of this loss and its effects. We can't deny them, we can't push them away, and we can't say to ourselves ‘it's time to forgive'.”  

Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology and today she continues her discussion around forgiveness in part two of this episode. Dr. Rob and Dr. Jessica talk about why expressing vulnerability is not a weakness but an opening to a better relationship future, how to recover after a conflict and speak your peace, and why emotional unavailability and lack of connection tend to be more painful than the actual act of cheating in itself.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] It is possible to communicate healthy agreements on what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationship. [3:30] Sometimes therapists assume or expect that the betrayed spouse will know how to react or talk to their spouse who is struggling with addiction.  [7:10] Instead of complaining to your spouse right away, there are benefits to journaling or writing down your thoughts about what their actions meant to you and how you perceived it.  [9:10] If we share vulnerability, your partner is more likely going to respond positively to that than if you were to act aggressively or accusatory.  [11:30] After reading hundreds of letters from betrayed spouses, it was never the cheating that hurt them the most. It was the emotional unavailability.  [14:30] You can show up in little ways and it will begin you on the path of having your betrayed partner feel valued again.  [18:20] The most important part to relationships is how you repair after a conflict or mistake.  [22:20] What are some indicators that a relationship is completely done?  [25:30] Interested in working with Dr. Jessica? Link to her website is in the show notes.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “There's an attempt to control your partner [when feeling hurt], this is understandable to want to feel that protection, to help your partnership, but it's counterintuitive. It's going to create a false sense of trust.” “Almost every time, betrayed partners write about how [their partner] felt unavailable. Didn't think about how much I really needed you. You didn't open up to me and I felt alone.” “The harm people cause each other is not the important part of this whole picture. We make mistakes. The important part is all in the repair. It's not that you make a mistake, it's you going back and saying you didn't do that right.”

After a huge betrayal, it can be nearly impossible to come back to the center and find forgiveness. Some couples are ready to move forward and to forgive, but they keep getting stuck in the negative patterns of their betrayal, hurt, and distrust. Is there a healthy way to move forward? Should you even forgive in the first place? Dr. Jessica Higgins is a licensed Psychologist with two graduate degrees in psychology. She explains how you can move through these emotions and reach a place of repair within your relationship in this week's episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Jessica.  [4:55] How do you help someone find peace after a deep betrayal?  [8:45] There is no guarantee around not being betrayed.  [10:35] It's a different feeling when someone shows up to the relationship with intentionally vs. passivity.  [14:00] How do you move a couple forward from being stuck in a place of anger?  [18:45] Would it be helpful for the addict to explain their childhood to their partner?  [23:35] When will the betrayed spouse forgive me?  [25:40] Some people feel like if they remain resentful, they're teaching the other person a lesson.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drjessicahiggins.com QUOTES: “A lot of spouses are looking for a guarantee. What you're doing [today] isn't really real and I want you to prove it.” “There is a part of me that really wants to trust you and feel like I'm not managing you.” “There are 350 definitions of forgiveness. There are some nuances and it can be hard to pin down what you're dealing with.”

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra's book, For Love and Money, became the inspiration for her groundbreaking clinical work. In part 2 of this episode, Debra continues her discussion around infidelity and money, how to heal after a financial betrayal, and what compromise looks like.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] The way a couple handles money is how they handle other issues in their relationship.  [4:35] What should couples do when they're in crisis and are trying to regain control of their finances?  [5:35] Sit down and come up with a game plan on what you both want out of this relationship and its future [6:45] How can couples begin to work towards healing?  [9:15] Dr. Rob shares a personal story around the challenge between recovery and money.  [11:40] As an addict through and through, and being in recovery, you have to learn how to not be selfish.  [18:45] What's Debra's new book about?  [21:15] Not everyone can afford therapy, but Debra created this book for couples who need the help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Debrakaplancounseling.com Financialtherapyassociation.org   QUOTES: “If there's been infidelity, secret keeping, and lies around money, absolutely seek help.” “I had to say no to something I wanted and every time I saw that [dream] car in the street, I feel bad, but I did the right thing.” “You don't have to be talking about money, you can be talking about ‘coupleship' like raising your kids, but money is the biggest one.”

After a successful career on Wall Street, where issues regarding sex, money, and power are legendary, Debra L. Kaplan merged her fascination with narcissism, sex, power, and control with her studies in psychology. Debra's book, For Love and Money, inspired her groundbreaking clinical work. In this episode, Debra talks about the connection between money and our trauma, what the conversations around money mean, and how money is the biggest reason for our relationship's demise.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Debra. [4:10] We argue about money, but underneath all of that we argue about our trauma.  [9:00] All couples argue about money.  [14:30] Money carries the greatest impact on the health and demise of a relationship.  [15:00] Do men and women see money/treat money differently?  [18:20] Addicts take power without permission, which means they use the family's money through whatever means necessary. [22:40] What is financial infidelity?  [28:50] How should you approach a conversation around money when an addict has betrayed your trust? [31:10] The addict destroys their finances, but can also destroy their career reputation and earning potential. [33:00] After a betrayal, it's important spouses get the help and support, and education they need to move forward.  [35:50] How can couples have a unified relationship with their money?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He's Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “Money is the number one factor in divorce and in relational demise.” “Financial infidelity is I'm not going to tell you, I'm going to do what I want to do, and you're not going to know. It's the same as emotional and sexual infidelity.” “When there's betrayal and infidelity, get informed. Hire professionals who will help you. Hire an accountant.” “Even though we argue about money, there is a path out.”   

Dr. Ken M. Adams began his professional career in 1981 treating children, adolescents, and their families. In 1985 he began private practice with the Children of Alcoholic Parents program, an outpatient program for the treatment of adults who had grown up in alcoholic families. He is a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), a CSAT supervisor, and CSAT training facilitator as well as an EMDR practitioner. In this episode, Dr. Ken gives an overview on what an enmeshment relationship looks like, his latest book catered specifically for adult children of sex addicts, and talks about how to recover from a broken home.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Ken. [4:25] What happens to children that allow them to struggle later on in life?  [7:20] What's so wrong with having a good relationship with your parents?  [9:15] Empathic children deeply worry about their parents and often, enmeshment happens because the parent did not set proper or clear boundaries.  [16:10] Dr. Ken is out with a new book, A Light in the Dark. Why did he decide to write it?  [22:10] All the children surveyed said they were negatively impacted by what their sex addict parent did.  [25:55] Adult children are often confused about what's a normal sexual experience.  [30:35] Children aren't stupid. They know what's going on and often get put in a bad position where they have to protect their mother or father's anger towards the sex addict.  [33:40] How should a sex addict tell their children about their problems?  [37:25] The shame that these adult children carry, it is not their shame to carry.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Sexualhealth-addiction.com When He's Married to Mom by Dr. Ken M. Adams A Light in the Dark: The Hidden Legacy of Adult Children of Sex Addicts by Ken M. Adams QUOTES: “The romantic partner always becomes second tier to the enmeshed man or woman's parents.” “It's always the parent's job that they stay in charge of what is a normal love affair between parent and child.” “Your children are not your children. They're life's longing for itself. They come through you, but not from you.” “88% of children were aware or witnessed their parent's sexually addicted behavior.”  

Dr. Evelyn Higgins is the Founder and CEO of Wired for Addiction. She is a recognized expert in addiction and has 25 years of clinical practice as well as dedicated over 16 years of research and development in the science of addiction recovery. In this week's episode, Dr. Higgins talks the environment vs. genes and how it shows up in addiction, explores the idea of an ‘addiction cure', and so much more on this week's episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:00] A little bit about Dr. Higgins. [4:20] What is considered an addiction? [6:35] No one sets out to becoming an addict. [6:55] Our environment has a big impact on us…but our genetics also play a part.  [7:45] Are we biologically/genetically wired to become addicts?  [11:40] Why can't you cure addiction?  [16:50] You can make healthy choices! The first step is understanding your stressors. [20:45] Dr. Weiss has seen people in recovery who still keep struggling. They're ‘white knuckling' it.  [26:40] Unfortunately, what might work for one person, might not work for another.  [27:20] How do we teach the public to better understand addiction?  [34:40] The medical community is very subjective because it's based on vocabulary (what the patient says) instead of blood tests and body chemistry results.  [36:25] There's still quite a bit of inequity in the medical field, but there are small steps forward happening. [39:35] What are the next steps for someone who wants to stay sober?   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss DoctorHiggins.com QUOTES: “The stigma is that this is actually a mental health disease and no one sets out to ruin their life and have all these other reactions from society.” “We all strive to make our lives easier.” “We now know we can change the expression of genes. That's so powerful. We can make changes in someone's life.” “No one [in congress] wanted their names on these bills because of the stigma around mental health.”   

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. In this episode, Dr. Aaron talks about childhood trauma, whether addicts are inherently bad people and the pain that people often hold deep down that they've suppressed and compartmentalized.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:11] Why does relapse even happen? If the addict really loves me, why can't they just stop? [3:10] Your betrayed partner is hurt, but they love you and they don't want to see you in pain. [5:45] How do you tell a partner that you've relapsed or have a slip? [6:35] Many spouses feel so disconnected from their addict.  [9:15] You may continue with your addiction, but it will never be the same. You will always hurt your family.  [11:00] Are addicts bad people? Are they just going to keep hurting people?  [15:20] Do addictive personalities exist? [16:40] Childhood trauma disrupts your entire worldview. [21:35] People often want to know why this is happening, but it's equally important to understand how it's happening and how to stop.  [27:00] We are going to get stressed and it's natural that you want to hide from that stress, but there are better ways to solve that problem.  [30:10] Can you fix addiction? [32:45] Dr. Aaron offers some helpful workbooks and solutions to help you with your recovery journey.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “I'm an addict and I don't want to see it. I don't want to be reminded of it. Addicts will jump over the problem.” “One of the things I see betrayed partner's looking for is empathy. The addict gets into recovery, but they're still assholes.” “Almost every client that comes to Seeking Integrity wants to know ‘why'. I can show you why, but you really need to learn how to stop.” “We are always going to be faced with stressors in our life and we are always going to want to feel better.”   

Dr. Aaron Weiner, Ph.D., ABPP is a board-certified Psychologist and addiction specialist and speaks nationally on the topics of addiction, behavioral health, and the impact of drug policy on public health. His perspective is informed by years of experience growing and directing addiction service lines for hospitals and healthcare systems, the current state of medical and psychological research, and his own observations in private practice. In this episode. Dr. Aaron talks about process addictions and how they differ from substance addictions.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Aaron and his career. [4:10] Addictions and addictive behaviors are very misunderstood. [7:00] Why do these ‘non-substance' addictions exist?  [9:10] Sexual content is so easily accessible.  [10:50] Social media apps want to be addicting. Dr. Aaron ran an experiment and moved his icons around so that he wouldn't click on the same addictive apps over and over again. [13:00] How do I know if I have a process addiction?  [16:00] It's easy to lie to yourself to avoid the discomfort or the consequences of your actions. [18:10] There is a normalization in process behaviors. People want you to ‘binge' on movies or ‘be addicted' to video games. [22:55] Insurance companies will pay for food-eating disorders but won't consider a gaming disorder.  [25:40] What is an FMRI?  [27:30] A lot of therapists like to pretend the body doesn't exist from the neck down. Dr. Aaron explains what he means.  [29:50] An addiction forms because the person is just trying to find some way for peace and stability.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Weinerphd.com Dr. Aaron on LinkedIn QUOTES: “Someone's life can be completely bulldozed by an addiction that has nothing to do with a chemical you put in your body.” “When it comes to process addictions and where we draw the line unless we're having an anger point with consequences, it's societally defined.” “You can see when brains change when someone is compulsive vs. not. It's very clear that the brain works differently when someone is addicted.” “I view addictive behaviors simply as overgrown or malignant coping mechanisms.” 

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he's currently held for 28 years. In part 2 of this episode, Doug shares his own recovery journey and why his wife continued to stay by his side despite the bad reputation and betrayal he caused in active addiction. Doug and Dr. Rob also share when to seek out help if you're struggling with a substance problem.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] Why did Doug's wife stay by his side?  [2:10] This is an illness.  [2:55] As a way to repair the relationship, Doug started dating his wife again.  [5:20] Doug felt so much guilt that he had failed his family. He decided to put 100% on his recovery, even if it meant working 14 hours on this to do so.  [7:45] How could Doug love his wife and at the same time act out and be a sex & love addict?  [9:10] Doug has a book out, Flying Over the Pigpen. What's it about?  [14:00] How do you find a good treatment facility?  [16:00] What kind of questions should you be asking before you enter into a treatment facility?  [17:25] What are the signs you need help? [19:10] With addiction, it only escalates.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn Flying Over the Pigpen by Doug Tieman   QUOTES: “For anyone who suffers from an addiction, that is our first and foremost love affair. We are incapable of having a lasting, meaningful relationship.” “I was incapable of a true loving relationship with my wife even though I wanted to because of my substance use and my sex and love addiction.” “I always loved my wife, but I was incapable of showing it in a true and meaningful way until I got into recovery.” “In addiction, you draw the line and then you redraw it because you cross it. When that happens, get help.” 

Doug Tieman got his start in the treatment field over 40 years ago at the Hazelden Foundation. During his time there, he served as Executive Vice President of Marketing & Development. In 1995, he joined Caron Treatment centers as the President and CEO, a position he's currently held for 28 years. Over the last 4 decades, Doug has seen the way professional's and the public's perception of addiction has changed. In this episode, Doug shares what massive improvements we've undergone over the years and what the mental health industry has been doing to deliver better quality results to its patients.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Doug Tieman and his career. [3:20] As someone who's been in the treatment and recovery space for 40 years, what has changed over the decades?  [4:00] Back then, anyone who was seen as an ‘addict' had a willpower issue.  [6:00] In the 80s, you would have been kicked out of a treatment center for exercising.  [8:40] Sometimes, you would put people on the ‘hot seat', where you almost tore into them as a form of tough love. However, we now know that's one of the worst things you can do to someone with trauma.  [12:15] Why is addiction considered a mental health problem?  [16:40] Unfortunately, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.  [17:00] What are some of the known problems about the mental health industry and its ability to treat people?  [19:20] Doug is in recovery himself. Despite being in the field for a long time, in 2008, he got his first DUI and realized he had a problem.  [25:30] As Doug found his recovery later in life, does he feel compelled to make up for ‘lost time' in his adult children's lives?  [28:50] Doug's DUI made page six of the New York Post. The information was out there. Doug had to make a decision to communicate his struggles to his children. [30:45] There's so much good that can come from being in recovery. He has no more secrets.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Caron.org Doug on LinkedIn QUOTES: “When I started this work in the 80s, substance abuse treatment was a real mystery for most people.” “Even when we didn't have the medical or scientific information that we would have today, treatment facilitators did their best. We believed in loving people back to health.” “This is an evolving field. We now know more about addiction as a brain chemistry and we're unlocking new mysteries of the brain all the time.” “Individuals who suffer from mental health typically abuse substances. People who abuse substances typically have a mental health [condition] that goes along with it.” 

Dr. Crystal Hollenbeck is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a Florida State Qualified Supervisor for those seeking a license in Mental Health Counseling or Marriage and Family Therapy.  In addition, she is also a Certified Professional Life Coach.  Being a Therapist and a Life Coach gives her the unique ability to help clients heal from the past and live their best life today. In this episode, Dr. Crystal discusses what happens when a betrayed partner feels so angry and can't seem to forgive. Is there ever a way out of this hurt? The answer is yes. Listen in for more.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dr. Crystal. [2:50] When someone has been deeply betrayed/hurt, how does anger show up?  [6:00] Anger and pain shows up at different times.  [10:00] Despite all the pain, you have to take responsibility for when you are upset.  [12:50] Dr. Crystal shares her lego principal.  [15:45] What happens in the brain when someone gets better from depression?  [16:55] What is abusive behavior? [19:50] What happens if you want to let go of your anger but you're nowhere near forgiveness?  [25:45] You don't need to let go of the anger, you just need to process it.  [27:45] If you've been betrayed, please consider therapy.  [33:10]  What do you do if your family members get angry for you?  [37:05] Dr. Crystal likes to use the CBT Therapy method to help her clients through their pain.  [40:45] Does betrayal affect same-sex couples differently?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Crystalhollenbeck.com QUOTES: “It's normal to be angry, but you can't hurt yourself for somebody else when you are angry.” “Sometimes anger can be very non-productive.” “No matter how much you've hurt him back, it's not going to make him understand how much he's hurt you.” “Forgiving doesn't have to mean forgetting.”

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. In a continuation of last week's episode, Dr. Rob shares whether it's possible to recover from infidelity, whether a partner should stay in a relationship with an addict, and how you restore trust again in a relationship after cheating.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] Codependency doesn't actually exist. Dr. Rob explains why.  [3:10] When your partner is snooping through your stuff. They're look for reasons to stay with you!  [7:35] Can couples recover from infidelity?  [14:25] Every partner feels like it's their fault for not being able to keep their cheating partner in the home.  [14:55] So many people will say, ‘if only you had more sex with them, they wouldn't cheat.' That's a lie! Spouses are shamed on and they have very little support.  [17:20] Crazy is your new normal!  [22:25] Your spouse has lost their best friend.  [23:15] Should a betrayed spouse stay or should they go?  [31:05] What is disclosure?  [41:10] Empathy is how you heal deep relationship wounds with your partner.  [41:45] How do you restore trust in a relationship?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “All your betrayed partner is looking for is reality, is for clarity.” “When a partner of 30 years hears that you've been cheating for 25 years. It's not going to go well.” “Why would you have sex with a sex addict if you don't trust them?” “The truth is, the more they know, the less it will hurt. What your betrayed spouse wants is honesty!”

Dr. Rob breaks down what goes on in a man's and a woman's mind when they cheat and their partner finds out about the affair. Dr. Rob uses a clip from Fatal Attraction to show an example of how a cheating partner tries to manipulate their partner, who is in pain, about the betrayal. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains what intimacy really is and what happens when your needs are not being met.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:20] Men and women are different. Men have the ability to separate sex from intimacy.  [3:55] How do you define cheating in the digital age? [5:15] Dr. Rob plays a clip from Fatal Attraction to best explain cheating. [9:45] When you ask for forgiveness, you take the focus off of the person in grief and put it back on you. It appears very selfish and manipulative in the moment.  [12:45] How many times have you believed that your cheating wasn't your fault?  [14:55] Why doesn't he just come home and help with some of the household chores? [16:20] So many of us confuse intensity with intimacy. That is not intimacy. [19:50] Men who have cheated expect to be forgiven right away, but a woman doesn't work that way. [25:15] What do men need to do to gain back their partner's trust? [29:45] Remember, when it's all about you, that's not empathy.  [32:30] Women who have experienced cheating betrayal feel guilty and shameful that they allowed this to happen. They feel like they should have done more to keep their man from straying. Dr. Rob explains deeper.  [37:00] Why is she so upset about every little detail happening? [40:15] Your female partner has been victimized by you. You are responsible for the consequences.  [42:45] Stay tuned for part 2!   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss   QUOTES: “No man I've ever met understands how to heal cheating in a woman.” “Men will respond differently to betrayal, but betrayal is still betrayal.” “When you ask someone for forgiveness, what you're doing is asking them to take the focus off of themselves and put them on you.” “Our home is the foundation and when you're saying work is more important, forget about the sex, we're sitting here actually saying, ‘you don't matter.'” 

Dr. Rob continues his solo episode to further discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Dr. Rob is passionate about reducing the shame and stigma of sex addiction and offers an explanation as to where sex addiction might stem from. It is possible to find inner peace in your recovery journey, but you have to put in the work to reap any reward.   TAKEAWAYS: [2:55] Dr. Rob explains what healthy love looks like in small children.  [5:20] Can children under 4 be depressed?  [6:10] What does ‘feeling loved' really feel like?  [7:10] Even when you get genuine connection and love, you still feel like you don't deserve it.  [12:00] Because no one was taking care of us emotionally, addicts find a way to fill in the blanks.  [18:00] How do you get your needs met as an adult? [20:15] It's okay to be needy! [24:50] Addicts are so used to being shamed for having minimal emotional needs.  [29:10] Addicts would rather eat dirt than to ask for help.  [32:20] Dr. Rob shares a powerful story about him asking for what he needed.  [35:55] Dr. Rob felt so much shame for even having to ask for help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “A child should be the center of the universe. They need narcissism. Narcissism at 4 is a really good thing, narcissism at 44 is not such a good thing.” “You're not children anymore, but you still need food. Well, guess what, you can't survive without love as adults either.” “Us addicts have replaced our need for love with our need for intensity.” “The addict helped us survive.” 

Dr. Rob does a solo episode to discuss some common questions that arise in his practice. Things like, how someone becomes a sex addict in the first place, why shame plays an integrated role in addiction, and how to re-learn to ask for your basic needs in adulthood. Recovery is hard, but it's possible. Dr. Rob hopes this episode opens your eyes and shows you that you're not a bad person.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How does someone become a sex addict? [2:45] Treatment is about three things: 1. Learning how to not do this. 2. Learning about addiction. 3. Learning about yourself. [4:15] Shame prevents you from asking what you truly need for yourself.  [6:15] Addicts often grew up learning that no one was going to meet your basic needs, so why even bother asking?  [10:45] Young children don't understand what's going on in an adult world and often blame themselves for any wrong doings.   [14:15] What actually happens in a healthy family?  [19:10] Addicts walk around adulthood feeling empty looking for people to meet their needs, only to be disappointed.  [23:00] Your feelings naturally get pushed in the way, way back. This is why you act out!  [24:20] Your emotions are just information indicators that there's something wrong.  [29:35] We learned a long time ago that our needs hurt other people. Of course, as an adult, this is not true! [30:15] So many people in recovery don't even realize what it is they need emotionally. This is a learned process and it takes time to learn.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “We're not bad people, we're broken people.” “Many of us grew up knowing that it didn't matter what we needed because nobody was going to meet those needs.” “Shame is the felt experience of being defective that is brought about by early emotional disorders.” “Your emotions are just information that [you might be having a bad day].”

Megan tricks Michelle into discussing old fogies, little blue pills, house rules, blurring lines, canoodling, the Clap, porn/craft hour, and so many beds.Resources:- Sex habits in retirement homes make college look like a nursery- Dementia Complicates Romance In Nursing Homes- Sex and intimacy in care homes- How Nursing Home Residents Develop Relationships with Peers & Staff: A Grounded Theory Study- Sexuality in Nursing Homes: Preserving Rights, Promoting Well-being- Nurse charged with sexual assault after woman in incapacitated state gave birth- Former Nurse Who Sexually Assaulted, Impregnated Incapacitated Woman Gets 10-Year SentenceWant to support Prosecco Theory?Check out our merch, available on teepublic.com!Follow/Subscribe wherever you listen!Rate, review, and tell your friends!Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!****************Ever thought about starting your own podcast? From day one, Buzzsprout gave us all the tools we needed get Prosecco Theory off the ground. What are you waiting for? Follow this link to get started. Cheers!!

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for over 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott continue their conversations about porn addiction and offer insights on what steps you need to take to heal from porn addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Why is my spouse so unhappy about my porn use?  [3:50] Can porn use escalate the same way alcohol addiction escalated?  [7:25] Porn addicts will start out looking at vanilla porn, and then the intensity keeps getting turned up to get their fix.  [11:15] The brain ends up turning down the dopamine on our entire life. The addict suddenly needs more intensity, more dopamine, more of a rush.  [16:00] Clients who are withdrawing often feel very lonely and very sad. Why is that?  [18:35] How can you change the behavior?  [19:45] It's important to define what addiction looks like, and also what sobriety can look like.  [20:25] Sex addiction is treated a lot like an eating disorder. We can't quit eating altogether.  [24:25] What does healthy intimacy actually look like?  [24:40] Addiction feels great but it's a one-trick pony. [27:45] If we open the door slightly, your addiction will come back. [29:05] Remember, there is no cure for addiction. You need to keep up daily maintenance to be sober. [32:45] Want additional support? Reach out to Seeking Integrity for more free resources!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity   QUOTES: “Escalation is characteristic to all addictions. We build up tolerance. Porn gives us a sense of pleasure.” “Tolerance comes when the brain turns up the dopamine. Porn addicts end up going places that violate their values. They uncover [unwanted] elements of an arousal template.” “No more porn, but that does not mean no more sex. We treat sex addiction like an eating disorder.” “Ultimately, the goal of addiction recovery is to identify the behavior, stop it, break through denial, work on the underlying issues, and to live a better life.”

Scott Brassart is the Director of Content Development at Seeking Integrity. He writes all the content at Seeking Integrity and has worked directly with Dr. Rob for more than 10 years. Scott also teaches a lot of the courses at the treatment center. In this episode, Dr. Rob and Scott sit down to discuss porn addiction, the definition of porn, and how anybody, no matter their class, can be subjected to porn addiction. Addiction is a mental health issue. It's an indicator that people are unable to go to someone for help, or comfort, and that's why they seek external ways to cope and escape.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:20] How do you define porn in the digital age? [5:30] Is ‘OnlyFans' considered porn?  [9:10] If you're using something for the purposes of arousal, even if it's not ‘porn', then it is still classified as pornography. [11:10] What's the difference between casual porn use vs. you having a problem?  [13:55] It's not about how much porn you look at, it's about what it does to your life.  [18:25] At some point, you lose control over the behavior. There are casual users, there are at-risk users, and then there are addicts. Scott explains the difference.  [24:20] Porn addicts know, deep down, they have a problem.  [25:45] Porn is not an age thing or a socioeconomic thing. These are real people of all ages, and demographics, struggling with loneliness.  [27:20] Porn has gotten more advanced. You can now build a sexual connection with another person with a computer/cellphone.  [30:15] What is the appeal of pornography?  [33:15] If you're looking at porn, chances are you're also looking at victims of sex trafficking.  [37:15] Look forward to part 2 of this episode coming soon!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Scott on LinkedIn Scott at Seeking Integrity QUOTES: “Porn is imagery or written text that we use to get aroused. Sex addicts and porn addicts not only use it for purposes of arousal but purposes of escape.” “For porn addicts, it's easy to rationalize Game of Thrones or cruising Instagram or OnlyFans. Technically you're still sober from your porn addiction, and my answer is not so much.” “Addicts are people who are really, really hooked. Life is going good, they're using porn. Life is going bad, they're using porn. The sun is up, they're using porn. The sun is down, they're using porn. That's an addict.” “As addicts, we're afraid to be vulnerable. We're afraid of rejection. We're afraid that if we know the real us, you'll run screaming.”

Dan Partland is an award-winning Director, Producer, Writer for both documentary films and television for over 20 years. Dan was the Executive Producer and Showrunner of A&E's Intervention for over 150 episodes and has gathered countless awards and accolades, including an Emmy for best reality series. In this episode, Dan shares his experiences with interacting with the people on Intervention and shares some of his key highlights with what he's learned about addiction over the years.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:40] A little bit about Dan [3:25] Dan has done 150 episodes of the TV show Intervention.  [5:55] What made Dan and his production company interested in digital addiction? [12:15] It's such a privilege to be able to see into someone else's life.  [14:10] How does Dan help everyday people feel comfortable on camera?  [18:10] With the rise of social media, people are subjected to a lot more online bullying.  [20:15] What did Dan learn after highlighting addiction for so long?  [27:00] Dan believes consciousness is the real issue to addiction. He explains what he means.  [36:00] People were often concerned that some of these people on Intervention were being exploited. Dan addresses this.  [38:25] 75% of the addicts Dan has interviewed are still sober today.  [39:55] Dr. Rob's greatest gift is helping someone stay sober.  [41:25] It's not going to get easier, it's going to get a lot harder as technology increases.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Dan on LinkedIn Dan on Twitter QUOTES: “As social media has taken off, it's given everybody a bit of a megaphone and that's given rise to a lot of trolling and meanness online.” “Drugs and alcohol make it a lot easier for people to see it and understand.” “Mental health is an underserved issue across the board.” “It's hard work to be a junkie. You've got to wake up, shoot up, and get on the streets to hustle.”

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Dr. Eddie Capparucciis, the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors, to talk about common blind spots someone in recovery might have. When addicts are in their addiction, they can exhibit strong narcissistic tendencies, which can make it difficult to connect with others and see their perspectives.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] Addicts have a hard time seeing their own blindspots. What should they be aware of?  [2:40] Curiosity of people is an important way to connect with others. Addicts can lack this curiosity.  [3:35] Addicts can be hypersensitive to rejection and criticism.  [5:00] People learn how to love from their caregivers.  [6:20] In a lot of ways, addicts have been emotionally neglected. [8:50] In recovery, we have the opportunity to break the cycle.  [10:20] You break the cycle by being emotionally present.  [12:45] Emotionally unavailable people tend to be ‘do-ers', they try to fix the problem by finding a solution, instead of being present with their emotions.  [16:10] As long as you're oblivious to the pain you've been through, you will also be oblivious to the pain you're causing others.  [18:35] How do you work through your issues if you can't afford therapy?  [21:40] Dr. Eddie talks about the current work and programs he's a part of to help others. [24:15] Don't have the financial resources to go to therapy? Dr. Eddie can help.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn Strugglingmen.org   QUOTES: “Anyone who has struggled with addiction has some strong narcissistic tendencies.” “Your kids are watching everything. Whether they're 4 or 14. That's one of the ways we don't get an understanding of what we need.” “It's never too late to start making changes.” “Even in the most troubled families, they are oblivious, even if they don't mean to be.”

Dr. Eddie Capparucciis the creator of the unique Inner Child Model for the treatment of Problematic Sexual Behaviors. He believes at the heart of most Problematic Sexual Behaviors are unresolved childhood pain points. Dr. Eddie specializes in treating Problematic Sexual Behaviors including pornography. Among his many clients, they have been professional athletes including NFL and MLB players and television personalities. In this episode, Dr. Eddie explains why sex addicts are really emotionally undeveloped adults, and how they can break old patterns and build intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little bit about Dr. Eddie Capparucci. [3:20] Trauma plays a major part in addiction.  [5:10] Sex addiction goes further than just sex. Men with this issue are emotionally undeveloped.  [6:10] Addicts aren't bad people, they're broken people.  [6:20] Are therapists just making bad excuses for an addict's poor behavior?  [9:10] My addict is sober, but they're still a jerk. What's going on?  [11:25] What do you call someone who cheats? Are they considered ill?  [15:00] Addicts are used to running away from their pain and they will take whatever distraction presents itself.  [16:55] How can you help an addict take accountability?  [17:50] Someone struggling with addiction needs to begin to think about their legacy and to tap into a bigger purpose.   [20:00] What happens if someone is just not motivated to get better?  [22:45] Dr. Eddie shares how he works with betrayed spouses who feel unlistened to.  [25:50] Emotional intimacy vs. physical intimacy. What's the difference?  [28:15] So many people aren't taught what emotional intimacy is. [30:40] Dr. Eddie understands he has an avoidant attachment style. But, by understanding his childhood, this makes perfect sense!  [32:30] At the end of the day, Dr. Rob and Dr. Eddie are here to help people break patterns and build intimacy.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Abundantlifecounselingga.com Dr. Eddie on LinkedIn   QUOTES: “What do I get? I get very frightened and scared people who can't sit with pain and have found a coping mechanism of escaping.” “The addiction isn't the only piece. It's the whole presentation that you've been giving to the world.” “People who deal with addiction do not know how to sit with emotional discomfort or distress.” “I can tell you all the ways I'm a jerk, but learning how to be different is more of a commitment.”

In today's episode, Dr. Rob talks with Michele Saffier and Allan Katz about their book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on Their Heroes' Journey to Healthy Intimacy, which was written after the two met in a psycho trauma workshop. Michele has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist since 1993. She was trained with Dr. Rob in the field of Sexual Addiction and went on to private practice and began using the trauma model after three years. Allan is a licensed Professional Counselor (LPC/MHSP) in the states of Tennessee and Mississippi and a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist. With over 30 years of experience as an entrepreneur and marketing consultant, he, later on, shifted to become a professional therapist to help others in the field of sex addiction. They share how their book can help betrayed partners heal from their trauma and learn healthy intimacy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:55] A little introduction of Michelle and how Dr. Rob knows her. [3:15] Michelle didn't work in the field of addiction before and recalls the young couple she worked with that inspired her journey. [4:25] A little bit about Allan as well and how he became a therapist. [6:50] Michelle sees herself as a trauma therapist. She explains why. [8:40] How does Allan work with the spouses to empathize with their addict partners who don't see it from a trauma perspective? [11:00] Allan shares how he transitioned from helping people non-professionally and the difference with being a professional therapist. [13:00] Michelle recommends partners to watch comedy shows and shares how this helps their recovery. [14:20] Betrayed partners take on the personal responsibility of causing their addict partner to act out. Allan shares his thoughts on this. [16:50] Michelle sees from the betrayed partner an attachment trauma and explains why.  [18:30] How does Michelle help a spouse learn that empathy may not be forthcoming? [21:25] Dr. Rob asks Michelle and Allan about the book they wrote called, Ambush By Betrayal. How did they come up with the title? [23:35] Dr. Rob shares the subtitle of their book and asks how their hero's journey evolved. [24:45] Michelle realized that in the same spirit of prodependency, they want their readers to be empowered. She shares how there can be beauty in this broken life. [25:50] Michelle and Allan met in a psycho trauma workshop. Allan shares what psycho trauma is and how that relates to their book. [30:00] What they want to achieve with their book is to provide a release from all the hurt, pain, and unworthiness and physically do something with it. Michelle talks through this process further. [33:20] For the betrayed person, anger is the only way they can protect their heart from their perpetrator. Michelle shares how they can help them see the wounded person underneath.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Ambush By Betrayal by Michele Saffier and Allan Katz Allanjkatz.com Traumahealingpa.com   QUOTES: “The behavior is the behavior but really, they're these little wounded boys and girls trying to survive.” “If you've been in a good relationship, then there's obviously another reason why somebody would do these things and go off and be with somebody else or look at pornography or whatever. I'm not condoning it or saying it's right; it was a choice but there is such a thing as addiction and that's what we have to look at.” “You've got to be empathic rather than defensive because the main thing your spouse or partner wants to know is that you really do understand what you've put her through.” “The primary attachment is the person that has my back, my beloved and the one that wherever I am in the world, is my home.”