Podcasts about pact institute

This episode is brought to you by Alma. Visit HelloAlma.com/ATPP to learn more Get the Couples Therapy 101 course: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/ Join the Couples Therapist Inner Circle: https://www.couplestherapistcouch.com/inner-circle-new Join The Couples Therapist Couch Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/295562197518469/ In this episode, Shane talks with Michelle Garraway about PACT Informed Couples Therapy. Michelle is the Founder & Clinical Director of The Relationship Agency, where she specializes in PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy). Hear what makes the PACT model fun & different, how the PACT process works with couples, what you can learn when couples face towards each other, some of the most common PACT exercises, and when it's time to have your clients focus on soothing. To learn more about Michelle Garraway, The Relationship Agency, and The PACT Institute, visit: TheRelationshipAgency.com Instagram @Relationships.Are.Everything ThePACTInstitute.com  

Shownotes The difference between secure attachment and secure functioning Why a deep desire for love is underneath all attachment styles How shared purpose in your relationship brings you closer Why you have to become a whisperer for your partner One of Dr. Tatkin's top ways to create safety for your partner The biggest mistake people make in modern dating Bio Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, co-founder of the PACT Institute and an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. Dr Tatkin is the author of In Each Other's Care, We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships and co-author of Baby Bomb. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital's intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter.  He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview by way of Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program through UC Berkeley. Timestamps 00:00:43 - Guest introduction 00:03:58 - The difference between secure attachment and secure functioning 00:06:00 - How to find compassion for an anxious or avoidant 00:09:59 - Sign up for Layla's newsletter at ⁠LaylaMartin.com⁠ 00:11:49 - Layla describes an avoidant's experience as a baby 00:13:19 - Why a deep desire for love is underneath all attachment styles 00:16:17 - Attachment isn't personality, it's memory 00:21:49 - Plan for your devils, not your angels 00:25:43 - How shared purpose in your relationship brings you closer 00:26:54 - Discover the ⁠VITA™ Sex, Love and Relationship Coaching Certification⁠  00:33:32 - Dr. Tatkin's advice for the moments you see your partner as an enemy 00:37:27 - Discover ⁠MOOD™ Sex Magic⁠ 00:38:20 - What do you secretly put in front of your relationship? 00:45:48 - Why you have to become a whisperer for your partner 00:46:53 - How to learn to take care of your partner's nervous system 00:49:14 - Fall in love with your body and unlock outrageous orgasms with ⁠Obliss⁠ 00:50:50 - One of Dr. Tatkin's top ways to create safety for your partner 00:54:05 - Why apologizing can subconsciously feel like weakness 00:57:11 - Dr. Tatkin explains the details of “The Couple Bubble” 01:00:34 - What Dr. Tatkin sees that the happiest long term couples do 01:03:50 - Insecures don't believe there's such a thing as fairness and justice 01:05:44 - The biggest mistake people make in modern dating 01:08:07 - Dr. Tatkin celebrates his wife and his relationship 01:11:55 - Secure functioning is very hard but it's worth it 01:12:00 - Conclusion

We are living in a time where people seemingly have deeply conflicting views. How can you have a conversation with someone who doesn't agree with you? How can you allow for the conflict that might ensue? Will you be understanding and compassionate? Or do you just walk away? Lisa continues the conversation today with author and therapist Carolyn Sharp, who assures us that it is possible to find common ground. She also shares ways to handle being triggered, if conversations get heated. Carolyn asks us to consider our values. It's a matter of alignment and feeling safe. She explains that it's better to be proactive in our relationships. Care, respect, and curiosity are all keys to better communication. She also discusses how to set boundaries if things are going in a toxic direction. We must be confident in our boundaries. We need to first understand ourselves and our limits, then we can be clear with others. Carolyn is both a therapist and coach, who works with individuals as well as couples. She has been trained by relationship expert Stan Tatkin, founder of the PACT Institute. She talks about how you know whether to repair a damaged relationship. She believes almost any problem in a relationship, except for abuse, can be fixed and eventually healed, as long as the individuals want it to work out for the best. It takes constant care, and can be challenging, yet relationships offer us the biggest opportunities for growth! Info: CarolynSharp.com and SecureConnectionsRetreats.com

Could your relationship benefit from a deeper connection? Join us for a conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin, co-founder of the PACT Institute and renowned for his psychobiological approach to couple therapy. We explore his inclusive approach to modern relationship structures. Dr. Tatkin reveals his secrets for maintaining excitement in long-term relationships and offers advice on living authentically, fostering self-love, and operating from your adult mindset. Ever wondered why you're attracted to certain people? Dr. Tatkin explains the fascinating neurobiological roots behind our unconscious attraction to partners who mirror our emotional upbringing. We discuss the crucial role of presence, attention, and curiosity in sustaining intimacy beyond the initial spark. Discover how shared purpose and mutual protection are the cornerstones of a thriving partnership. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the "couple bubble" concept, where mutual support and unwavering commitment are paramount. We explore the importance of aligning values, setting mutual goals, and maintaining a cooperative dynamic to ensure a fulfilling and sustainable relationship. In this episode, you will hear: Deep dive into Dr. Tatkin's updated book, "Wired for Love" The role of presence, attention, and curiosity in sustaining relationships Exploring 'pillow talk' for deeper emotional bonds Understanding unconscious partner attraction and its neurobiological roots The significance of mutual goals, shared visions, and the "couple bubble" Practical advice for building resilient and fulfilling long-term partnerships Resources from this Episode   https://courses.theadultchair.com/the-academy-of-awakening  https://www.thepactinstitute.com MORE ADULT CHAIR   The Adult Chair® Website https://theadultchair.com       Membership: The Academy of Awakening theacademyofawakening.com   Instagram  https://www.instagram.com/themichellechalfant    Facebook https://www.facebook.com/TheMichelleChalfant/    The Adult Chair® Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/theadultchair/    YouTube https://www.youtube.com/c/Michellechalfant    

Dr. Stan Tatkin, co-founder of the PACT Institute, discusses the importance of secure functioning in relationships and the principles of mutual care and the couple bubble. He emphasizes the need for couples to create a shared vision and set of social contracts to protect and support each other. Dr. Tatkin also highlights the challenges of modern dating and the importance of building secure functioning relationships from the start. He concludes by discussing the ongoing research being conducted by the PACT Institute to provide evidence-based support for their approach. Bio: Dr. Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, created the PACT Institute in 2010 to train mental health professionals to successfully integrate a psychobiological approach in their clinical practices. They appreciate his depth of understanding – of both the scientific research and the human condition – and how he integrates that wisdom to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA honored Stan with the Educator of the Year award in 2014.    Dr. Tatkin helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.     Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a founding member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Chapters: 00:00 Introduction to Dr. Stan Tatkin and the PACT Institute 02:00 Understanding PACT and its Polytheoretical Approach 04:54 The Motivation Behind Creating a New Perspective in Couples Therapy 08:44 The Impact of John Gottman and Sue Johnson on Couples Therapy 09:42 The Role of Brain Science and Psychobiology in Couples Therapy 11:32 Applying Brain Science and Psychobiology to Communication and Conflict Resolution 13:25 The Importance of Knowledge and Psychoeducation in Couples Therapy 15:22 The Interplay Between the Brain and Couples Therapy 20:16 Revising 'Wired for Love' and the Changing Landscape of Relationships 23:14 Common Relationship Pitfalls and Mistakes to Avoid 27:38 Creating a Shared Vision and Accommodating Differences in Relationships 35:16 The Importance of Mutual Care and the Couple Bubble 44:51 Applying PACT Principles to Modern Dating and Relationships 50:14 Building Secure Functioning Relationships from the Start 52:36 Key Relationship Advice from Dr. Stan Tatkin 55:03 Ongoing Research by the PACT Institute --- Support this podcast: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/thedudetherapist/support

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, author of Wired for Love, joins us to talk about the neuroscience of love. Stan is a clinician, teacher, researcher, and developer of the psychobiological approach to couples therapy (PACT). He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, cofounded the PACT Institute to train other mental health professionals worldwide to use this method in their clinical work. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA. He maintains a private practice in Southern California, and directs PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is author of In Each Other's Care and six other books.  Visit our website at www.newharbinger.com and use coupon code 'Podcast25' to receive 25% off your entire order.  Buy the Book:  New Harbinger - https://bit.ly/3U4BO0n  Amazon - https://a.co/d/fJCvaBr  Barnes & Noble - https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/1128699983  Bookshop.org - https://bit.ly/3U9J8I2  If you have ideas for future episodes, thoughts, or questions, we'd love to hear from you! Send us an email at podcast@newharbinger.com 

 Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a PsyD, MFT, clinician, researcher, developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), and best-selling author of the relationship must have book, Wired for Love (second edition out June 2024), which is the complete “insider's guide” to understanding your partner's brain, sparking lasting connection, and enjoying a romantic relationship built on love and trust—now with more than 170,000 copies sold. His work has been endorsed by Gwyneth Paltrow, Alanis Morrisette, Mark Groves, Scott Steindorff, among others.    He speaks and teaches around the world on how to understand, create and sustain secure-functioning relationships and more than 1.7 million people have tuned in to Dr. Tatkin's TEDx talk. He's authored six bestselling books, and trained thousands of therapists around the world.    Dr. Tatkin has been featured in hundreds of media outlets including TIME, Mindbodygreen, KATU, PIX11, The Knot, and more.   Dr. Tatkin is available to discuss a diverse range of topics such as:  How to keep your relationship full of love, intimacy and spice - for new relationships and those married forever!  Creating Your Couple Bubble: Ways to create a strong foundation for this ecosystem for partners.   Learning to Fight Better: How to fight while remaining on the same team and keeping things fair, just, and collaborative.   How to Achieve and Maintain Relationship Equanimity: Would you fall on the sword for your relationship?   Creating Joyful Rituals: How rituals can empower a relationship.   Brain Hacks for Better Relationships: How well do you know your partner's brain?   Marriage Training vs Marriage Therapy: How to set up your marriage for success and develop resilient relationships.    More on Dr. Tatkin   Dr. Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, created the PACT Institute in 2010 to train mental health professionals to successfully integrate a psychobiological approach in their clinical practices. They appreciate his depth of understanding – of both the scientific research and the human condition – and how he integrates that wisdom to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA honored Stan with the Educator of the Year award in 2014.    Dr. Tatkin helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. In addition to his robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California, Dr. Tatkin and Tracey lead couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats -- both online and in person across the United States and Europe.     Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a founding member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.     Any feedback or questions hit us up; Jamie@360yourself.co.uk community@360yourself.co.uk

Navigating through the complexities of human relationships can be challenging, but understanding the fundamentals of attachment and human behavior can make a world of difference. On the latest episode of Get Yourself Optimized, I had an enlightening conversation with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a pioneer in attachment theory and the neurobiology of love.

This new episode of Unlock Your Potential features Dr. Stan Tatkin, therapist, researcher, best-selling author and developer of the PACT Institute.   At the beginning of the episode, we delve into the psychology of relationships. Dr. Tatkin emphasizes the importance of a shared purpose for a stronger relationship.   Midway through, we explore how relationships influence every aspect of our lives. Dr. Tatkin sheds light on why prioritizing the couple system is crucial for your life's success. Towards the end, we unveil the secrets for a secure functioning relationship. Discover the three key insights Dr. Tatkin shares to nurture a robust connection. I hope you enjoy this episode and gain valuable insights for cultivating a stronger relationship with your partner. Check Out More of Dr. Tatkin's Content Here

On this weeks episode of Do the Work, Sabrina is joined by Dr Stan Tatkin of the Pact Institute to go over how each attachment style shows up in dating and how to navigate early dating securely!  Get Dr Stans book HERE! La Event 11/9 tickets HERE! Want to work with Sabrina? Click HERE Dont forget to follow Sabrina and Do the Work on instagram and Sabrina on Tik tok! Please support our sponsors! Want to shop Softwear? Get 20% off your first order with code- DOTHEWORK Join me on Open for 30 days free, head to withopen.com/DOTHEWORK

Rachel covers recent events, running, and self care practices before welcoming her guest, Karyn Wittmeyer. The two of them then discuss self love and jealousy in non-monogamy, communicating your needs, and more! Conversation with Karyn begins at 00:15:48. Follow Karyn: Branching Out Wellbeing: https://www.branchingoutwellbeing.com/karyn Nonmonogamy Academy: https://nonmonogamyacademy.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/branchingoutwellbeing/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/branchingoutwellbeing/ X (Formerly twitter): https://twitter.com/BranchOutWB Blog: https://nonmonogamyacademy.com/blog/ Discussed in this episode: Big 5 Personality Traits: https://www.healthline.com/health/big-five-personality-traits Big 5 Quiz: https://www.truity.com/test/big-five-personality-test Brainspotting: https://www.verywellmind.com/brainspotting-therapy-definition-techniques-and-efficacy-5213947 PACT Institute: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/what-is-pact

Rachel covers recent events, running, and self care practices before welcoming her guest, Karyn Wittmeyer. The two of them then discuss self love and jealousy in non-monogamy, communicating your needs, and more! Conversation with Karyn begins at 00:15:48. Follow Karyn: Branching Out Wellbeing: https://www.branchingoutwellbeing.com/karyn Nonmonogamy Academy: https://nonmonogamyacademy.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/branchingoutwellbeing/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/branchingoutwellbeing/ X (Formerly twitter): https://twitter.com/BranchOutWB Blog: https://nonmonogamyacademy.com/blog/ Discussed in this episode: Big 5 Personality Traits: https://www.healthline.com/health/big-five-personality-traits Big 5 Quiz: https://www.truity.com/test/big-five-personality-test Brainspotting: https://www.verywellmind.com/brainspotting-therapy-definition-techniques-and-efficacy-5213947 PACT Institute: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/what-is-pact

In this episode, Kristen talks with Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, author, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, about building better relationships, addressing common couple challenges, and strategies for making relationships last. www.thepactinstitute.com Subscribe and get a free 5-day journal at www.kristendboice.com to begin closing the chapter on what doesn't serve you and open the door to the real you. This information is being provided to you for educational and informational purposes only. It is being provided to you to educate you about ideas on stress management and as a self-help tool for your own use. It is not psychotherapy/counseling in any form. This information is to be used at your own risk based on your own judgment.  For my full Disclaimer please go to www.kristendboice.com. For counseling services near Indianapolis, IN, visit www.pathwaystohealingcounseling.com. Pathways to Healing Counseling's vision is to provide warm, caring, compassionate and life-changing counseling services and educational programs to individuals, couples and families in order to create learning, healing and growth.  

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses the 5 things that break a relationship apart, how to recover from a betrayal, and how to live a pro-relationship life.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:45] How do you recover from a betrayal?  [6:00] In a society, we are forced to grow up for the betterment of our tribe.  [7:25] What do couples complain the most about?  [11:25] People will commit the same mistakes over and over because they don't understand the internal errors that they're making.  [15:25] What happens if you're stuck in a relationship ‘role' that you don't like?  [18:20] What does it mean to be pro-relationship? [20:35] Your attachment needs are not rooted in love. Dr. Stan explains why.  [26:00] Want to know more about Dr. Stan? Link in the show notes!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other's Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “There are cultures where it's emphatically insistent and people do grow up because the culture demands that you operate with each other.” “We do the same things that mess up relationships, no matter what kind of relationships they are, and we always will if we don't understand our nature.” “Everything I am talking about is inline with being selfish. Being pro-relationship is being pro-self. They are one and the same.”

Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In this episode, Dr. Stan discusses what really is the glue that keeps relationships together, why they are so messy, and how you can better define it with the person you love.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:50] Let's talk about conflict in a relationship.  [5:05] What do people actually view as ‘important'?  [7:05] People have the ability to ‘make things up', so it's important that you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to a relationship.  [9:25] Someone might be something you've always wanted, but they're also going to be a lot of things that ‘you don't want'. It's important to navigate through that.  [11:20] There has to be a reason why two people join together and it has to be for more than just love.  [18:50] How can you move through a relationship consciously?  [23:00] When you're in the middle of conflict, how do you resolve it or go through it in a healthy way?  [28:35] Sometimes, you need to fall on your sword so that you and your partner can find a way to communicate again. It's a team sport.  [32:40] Like with everything, good conflict resolution is a skill that anybody can learn. As you learn, you'll make mistakes, you won't be perfect, but you will get better at it.  [33:30] How do you have agreement when there's been a betrayal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Thepactinstitute.com In Each Other's Care by Dr. Stan Tatkin   QUOTES: “Conflict is a very human thing. If you're a human primate, you're going to get into conflict.” “In a relationship that we are creating, we have to define it. We have to make sure that we are creating the same picture in our heads.” “Love and attraction wanes. A lot goes. But we're still accountable if we're going to play fair and work together.”

Love isn't the glue. Love is not enough. Attachment biology is the glue that we confuse with love. Purpose is what keeps us going and keeps us together over time happily. What is our purpose at any given moment? Is it shared or is it just mine? You and I have to create consensus so that we find always where we agree and where we're the same, and not simply go for the low hanging fruit which is where we disagree and where we're different. Consensus builders know how to do this. I want apples and you want bananas, we fight. It didn't occur to one of us to suggest: But do we both want fruit? This could be arranged. - Dr. Stan Tatkin Live Life Well from Sunrise to Sunset Save 20% with code "WELLNESSFORCE" on everyone's favorite Superfoods brand, ORGANIFI, including their Sunrise to Sunset Bundle and their Women's Power Stack that includes HARMONY + GLOW for true hormonal balance and great health radiating through your beautiful skin. Click HERE to order your Organifi today. Are You Stressed Out Lately? Take a deep breath with the M21™ wellness guide: a simple yet powerful 21 minute morning system that melts stress and gives you more energy through 6 science-backed practices and breathwork. Click HERE to download for free. Is Your Energy Low? Looking for a cleaner brain fuel? Just one daily serving of Ketone-IQ™️ will help you feel sharper, more focused, and ready to take on the day. Click HERE to try HVMN's Ketone-IQ™ + Save 20% with the code "JOSH" *Review The WF Podcast & WIN $150 in wellness prizes! *Join The Facebook Group Wellness + Wisdom Episode 548 Dr. Stan Tatkin, a best-selling author and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), joins Josh Trent on the Wellness + Wisdom podcast episode 548 to talk about the challenges people face in romantic relationships, attachment styles, and why love isn't enough. What is the glue that holds two people together in a romantic relationship? In this episode, you will learn what makes us feel threatened by our partners, how insecure attachment styles can be handled together with our partners, and why we pick the people in our lives based on our memory. Listen To Episode 548 As Dr. Stan Tatkin Uncovers: [01:30] Wired for Love Stan Tatkin Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Sauna Space - 10% off Why relationships don't actually exist except in our head. Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman Brain ambassadors and brain primitives. [09:20] Attachment Styles in Relationships Why we can feel threatened by our partner. Prefrontal cortex and empathy. Why attachment system is a biological mandate and can be confused for love. New patterns can't be created in a state of threat. How insecure attachment style can be handled together with our partner. Why secure attachment style can fluctuate to other attachment styles. The difference between secure functioning and secure attachment [27:15] Love Is Not Enough How relationships make us grow up. Interdependency, dependency, and codependency. How the threat system starts to show up in a relationship. Unpacking why we need principles to be able to hold each other accountable. Why we need to think ahead and not be naive. How you can protect the union between you and your partner by creating peace. Why we're naturally xenophobic. The reason why we need a shared purpose. Acting out on our xenophobia and why we should stop denying it. [49:30] The Challenges of Romantic Relationships How our survival instinct takes control over us in situations that are seemingly not life-threatening. Our fear changes our outward behavior to look threatening. Why we pick the people in our lives based on our memory. What attracts us to another person tends to end up being what we'll have an issue with. How we protect our own interest by directing our sense of disturbance outward. [01:05:00] The Problem with The Human Condition Funhouse mirrors in our relationships. Why we're never fully on the same page with our partner. How we shape our memory by adding non-experience elements into it. Memory drives state, state drives memory, and state of mind alters perception. 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage Observing micro-expressions to recognize if someone is telling the truth. In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them by Stan Tatkin Why attachment is not the main problem but the human condition is. Power Quotes From The Show Confusing Attachment for Love "The attachment system, as I see it, is a biological mandate that says "I can't quit you." We confuse it for love. The attachment system is nature's glue that holds us together and we think it's love but it's actually a very primitive existential threat, going all the way back to infancy that losing our primary attachment relationship feels like death." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationships Only Exist in Our Heads "Relationships actually don't exist, except in our heads. It's an abstraction. A relationship is something you and I create from scratch. You can't take a picture of it, you can only take a picture of people. It isn't relationships that's so difficult. It's human primates. They're difficult creatures; war-like, impulsive, aggressive, self-centered, selfish, moody, fickle, xenophobic, and easily influenced by groups." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Mutual Respect + Social Contracts "I can't screw you without screwing myself. Anything I do to you is going to happen to me. That's why it's a two-people psychological system. Two individuals are two generals, two bosses that have to respect each other, and be formal enough to respect each other, but they have a pact or several pacts, social contracts, to ensure that they behave in a way that's fair justice and collaborative and cooperative at all times." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Links From Today's Show  Stan Tatkin Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Sauna Space - 10% off Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them by Stan Tatkin Shop the Wellness Force Media Store Organifi – Special 20% off to our listeners with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' breathwork.io SEED - Save 35% with the code "JOSH" BON CHARGE - Save 15% with the code "JOSH15" MANNA Vitality - Save 20% with the code "JOSH20" Mendi.io - Save 20% with the code "JOSH20" SpectraSculpt - Save 15% with "JOSH15" SaunaSpace - 10% off using code "JOSH10" Cured Nutrition CBD - Save 20% with the CODE "WELLNESSFORCE" PLUNGE – Save $150 with the code “WELLNESSFORCE" LiftMode - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" HVMN - Get 20% off your Ketone IQ order with the code "JOSH" MitoZen – Save 10% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” Paleovalley – Save 15% on your ACV Complex with the code ‘JOSH' NOOTOPIA - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" ActivationProducts – Save 20% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” NEUVANA - Save 15% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” SENSATE - Save $25 on your order with the code "JOSH25" DRY FARM WINES - Get an extra bottle of Pure Natural Wine with your order for just 1¢ ION - Save 15% off sitewide with the code ‘JOSH1KS' Feel Free from Botanic Tonics – Save 40% when you use the code ‘WELLNESS40′ Drink LMNT – Zero Sugar Hydration: Get your free LMNT Sample Pack, with any purchase BREATHE - Save 20% by using the code “PODCAST20” Essential Oil Wizardry: Save 10% with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' NEUROHACKER - Save 15% with the code "WELLNESSFORCE" ALIVE WATER - Save 33% on your first order with the code "JOSH33" M21 Wellness Guide Wellness + Wisdom Community Leave Wellness + Wisdom a review on Apple Podcasts Dr. Stan Tatkin Instagram Facebook Twitter About Dr. Stan Tatkin Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a distinguished author, renowned for his notable works including "Wired for Love" and "Your Brain on Love." Residing in Southern California, he actively practices as a clinician while imparting his expertise as a teacher at Kaiser Permanente and serving as an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Recognized for his exceptional contributions, Stan Tatkin introduced the groundbreaking Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). Together with his spouse, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, he established the esteemed PACT Institute. PACT seamlessly integrates developmental neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation, rendering it a highly regarded method for addressing even the most complex relationship dynamics.    

Building a strong and secure connection within a romantic relationship is a goal shared by many. We strive for harmony, understanding, and a deep bond that withstands the test of time. But with human nature being what it is - aggressive, warlike, moody, and easily influenced - it can be a challenging task. So, how do we achieve this level of connection? Is it about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rules? In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Jessica Higgins embark on an enlightening exploration of human behavior within relationships shedding light on key elements that foster a strong and secure connection. Join us as we delve into the strategies and insights that can help you and your partner work together to create a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual support. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:01 In Each Other's Care: Practical Guidance on Applying the Principles of Secure Functioning 10:56 Normalizing stressful situations and creating purpose-centered relationships. 15:36 Preserving relationships through proactive engagement. 26:05 Creating purposeful relationships: moving beyond psycho-biology to action. 30:37 Embracing a collaborative stance: Exploring partner's needs and approaching conversations with mutual interest. Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey) In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Learn How to Interact When Conflicts Arise (excerpt) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Relationship Rx (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Websites: thepactinstitute.com Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Twitter: twitter.com/DrStanTatkin LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.      

Clinician, author, researcher, Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr Stan Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care.His upcoming book, Relationship Repair will be out in April 2023Wired for love online workshops: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/retreats/7 Days to better fights FREE email campaign: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/7-days-to-better-fights/TUNE IN00:00 - Intro03:42 - Stan's beginnings05:49 - The Psycho-biological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT) approach to navigating relationships08:19 - Associating the feeling of safety with love11:04 - Humans are living longer - should we question the longevity that's demanded upon intimate relationships?15:43 - How to establish a purpose and vision as a couple19:50 - One partner wants kids and the other doesn't - a deal breaker?27:31 - Strategies to overcome stressful interactions: take time out or talk it through?36:17 - Your relationships are a mirror of you, how not to externalise problems37:36 - Is it toxic to put other person's interests before your own?47:23 - How to compromise49:49 - Domestic violence stems from when survival is threatened53:27 - Exploring monogamous, polygamous relationships56:42 - PACT Institute & new book In Each Other's CareLISTEN & SUBSCRIBE TO THE PODCASTSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2HJCflVnHRDmvNtI8r2a65?si=692723d115ce4ef2/Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/au/podcast/inspired-evolution/id1272090974/CONNECT WITH Dr STAN TATKINWebsite: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/Facebook for Couples: https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/Facebook for Clinicians: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/JOIN THE INSPIRED EVOLUTION COMMUNITYWebsite: https://www.inspiredevolution/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/inspired_evolution/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/inspiredevolution/YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/com/inspiredevolution/Support this show http://supporter.acast.com/inspiredevolution. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Themes: Relationships, Attachment Theory, Conflict, Interdependency Summary:  Today I'm honoured to be joined by Stan Tatkin: PsyD, MFT, clinician, author, researcher, co-founder of the PACT Institute and all-around relational ninja. Stan's ability to help couples navigate the often tricky waters of relationships is truly unparalleled, and in this episode, you'll understand why. Join us as we discuss attachment theory, the leading causes of breakups and, ultimately, how to co-create a thriving, lasting relationship.  Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Discover: Why we choose the partners we do, and why we default to certain behaviors while in a relationship Two main reasons relationships don't last The non-negotiable habits of couples in strong, healthy relationships The mindset shift couples need to make for their relationship to survive and thrive 00:00 Intro 01:10 Stan's background 02:57 Why we choose who we choose 10:30 Two main reasons relationships don't last 18:02 Attachment theory & why we stay 23:24 Interdependency 26:29 Purpose-centered love 34:42 Creating a relationship that survives and thrives 41:32 Relationships are a team sport 48:16 Prioritizing repair 54:10 Avoid working on each other; only the problem Links: Website | thepactinstitute.com Instagram | @drstantatkin Sponsors: Cozy Earth | Use code GROVES for 40% off sitewide at cozyearth.com Create the Love Cards | Use code CTLCARDS15 for 15% off at createthelove.com/cards See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

On today’s episode, I speak with Carista Luminare who has more than 40 years experience as a counselor, consultant and educator to individuals, couples and families. In her private counseling practice, she integrates her lifelong research on how our early bonding patterns profoundly impact our self-identity and adult relationship dynamics. Her powerful life-changing programs bring participants into direct experience and embodiment of their True Self. Carista has developed a comprehensive holistic parenting methodology, a leading-edge evolutionary leadership program, and a practical approach for couples to rewire insecure bonding into a secure functioning relationship. After graduating from Harvard University in Psychology and Social Relations in 1978, and completing her post-graduate degrees, Carista pioneered educational programs on early attachment that focused on preventing and repairing childhood developmental trauma. She has been certified in both the Gottman Method and Stan Tatkin’s PACT Institute. As President of Luminary Leadership Institute, she coaches leaders how to be pro-relational. We talk about the following and so much more: ✅ Why are so many people confused about love? ✅ What are some of the 4 attachment styles? ✅ What is codependency? Why does it occur? ✅ What are some ways that we can heal codependency? ✅ What is narcissism? Why does it occur? How can you tell when someone is a narcissist? ✅ What about people-pleasers? Why are they the greatest victims of naracissists? ✅ What are some ways to heal narcissism? ✅ What is enmeshment and how does it start? ✅ Can you talk to us about your own journey in healing co-dependency? If you purchase today, you’ll get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/yasmeen. Please tag us and tell us what you loved! You can follow @Gateways_To_Awakening on Instagram or Facebook if you’d like to stay connected.

On today’s episode, I speak with Carista Luminare Ph.D. who has more than 40 years experience as a counselor, consultant and educator to individuals, couples and families. In her private counseling practice, she integrates her lifelong research on how our early bonding patterns profoundly impact our self-identity and adult relationship dynamics. Her powerful life-changing programs bring participants into direct experience and embodiment of their True Self. Carista has developed a comprehensive holistic parenting methodology, a leading-edge evolutionary leadership program, and a practical approach for couples to rewire insecure bonding into a secure functioning relationship. After graduating from Harvard University in Psychology and Social Relations in 1978, and completing her post-graduate degrees, Carista pioneered educational programs on early attachment that focused on preventing and repairing childhood developmental trauma. She has been certified in both the Gottman Method and Stan Tatkin’s PACT Institute. As President of Luminary Leadership Institute, she coaches leaders how to be pro-relational. We talk about the following and so much more: ✅ Why are so many people confused about love? ✅ What are some of the 4 attachment styles? ✅ What is codependency? Why does it occur? ✅ What are some ways that we can heal codependency? ✅ What is narcissism? Why does it occur? How can you tell when someone is a narcissist? ✅ What about people-pleasers? Why are they the greatest victims of naracissists? ✅ What are some ways to heal narcissism? ✅ What is enmeshment and how does it start? ✅ Can you talk to us about your own journey in healing co-dependency? If you purchase today, you’ll get a FREE 1 year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com/yasmeen. Please tag us and tell us what you loved! You can follow @Gateways_To_Awakening on Instagram or Facebook if you’d like to stay connected.

Do you and your parenting partner struggle post-kids?  In this episode I talk to Kara Hoppe, MFT and Stan Tatkin, PsyD about what happens to couples after having children. We discuss the idea of secure functioning and how important it is for partners to make their relationship a priority. We touch on the importance of listening open-heartedly to each other, even when you don't hold the same views and encourage you to get curious about where your partner is coming from. *New!* Watch video clips from this episode on the Mindful Mama Youtube channel! If you enjoyed this episode, and it inspired you in some way, I'd love to hear about it and know your biggest takeaway. Take a screenshot of you listening on your device, post it to your Instagram stories, and tag me @mindfulmamamentor. Have you left a review yet? All you have to do is go to  Apple Podcasts or  Stitcher (or wherever you listen), and thanks for your support of the show! Takeaways: The couple needs to come first Your relationship is more important than being right Relationships are systems that require partners to move in coordination toward a shared vision Kara Hoppe, MA, MFT, is a psychotherapist, teacher, feminist, and mother. She has spent more than a decade working with individuals and couples toward healing, growing, and becoming grounded. Stan Tatkin is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Get Hunter's book, Raising Good Humans now! Click here to order and get book bonuses! ABOUT HUNTER CLARKE-FIELDS: Hunter Clarke-Fields is a mindful mama mentor. She coaches smart, thoughtful parents on how to create calm and cooperation in their daily lives. Hunter has over 20 years of experience in mindfulness practices. She has taught thousands worldwide. Be a part of the tribe—we're over 25 thousand strong! Join the Mindful Parenting membership. Take your learning further! Get my Top 2 Best Tools to Stop Yelling AND the Mindful Parenting Roadmap for FREE at: mindfulmamamentor.com/stopyelling/ Find more podcasts, blog posts, free resources, and how to work with Hunter at MindfulMamaMentor.com.

Relationship Stress Quiz - https://www.judycounselor.com   Complimentary Clarity Call - https://JudyKHerman.as.me/Complimenta...   Linked In - https://www.linkedin.com/in/judykherman/   Stan Tatkin, pt. 2 Better Relationships, Better Life with Judy Herman Episode 009: Simple Ideas That Will Save Your Marriage: Part 2, It Still Takes Two Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.   Listen to part two of this interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin on Better Relationships, Better Life, packed with simple ideas that will inspire you co-create a secure relationship. Nature, culture and history throughout time gives evidence of the necessity of equal partnership for survival and growth. It's not easy and it still takes two.   Here is what to expect on this week's show: ●    Our instinctual inclination towards teamwork can save relationships, and turn enemies into friends ●    How to honor both spouses in the partnership as “equal power and equal authority.” Otherwise it's not sustainable. ●    The necessity of your unique relationship set of ethics that both spouses agree to that's not to be reckoned with. ●    Why a relationship is less of a skill set and more of a practice   Connect with Stan: WEBSITE: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute TWITTER: https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/user/stanleytat LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/stan-tatkin/11/233/281   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Relationship Stress Quiz - https://www.judycounselor.com Complimentary Clarity Call - https://JudyKHerman.as.me/Complimenta... Linked In - https://www.linkedin.com/in/judykherman/ Stan Tatkin, pt. 1 Better Relationships, Better Life with Judy Herman Episode 008: Simple Ideas That Will Save Your Marriage and Your Life: Part 1 Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.   Listen to part one of this insightful interview with Stan Tatkin on Better Relationships, Better Life, full of the influences that helped shape the PACT institute, and some of the wisdom that Stan and his team can share:   Here is what to expect on this week's show: ●    How Stan utilizes his research in psychobiology as a foundation for his work with the PACT institute and in relationship therapy ●    How Stan went from drumming protégé to working with couples ●    The evolutionary and historical reasons why people long to be in paired relationships ●    Ways of thinking about relationships so that one member is not at risk of being eclipsed or absorbed by the other, where both partners can keep their individual identities while also supporting one another ●    The many different spiritual and philosophical traditions that influence Stan's work and the PACT foundation ●    Habits and rituals that you can form with your partner that will remind them of your mutual support, even if the two of you go to bed upset with one another   Connect with Stan: WEBSITE: https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstitute TWITTER: https://twitter.com/DrStanTatkin INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/drstantatkin/ YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/user/stanleytat LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/pub/stan-tatkin/11/233/281   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This interview is packed with amazing insights on how to have an extraordinary, secure-functioning relationship. One of my favorite interviews to date. There's so much to learn in this episode that's all about relationships. If the quality of your life is based on the quality of your relationships, then listening to this episode with Stan is an absolute must! Grateful to have him on the show. Please enjoy :) Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFTClinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Information about Stan's work is available at www.thepactinstitute.comWebsite: www.thepactinstitute.comInstagram: @drstantatkinFacebook: PactTrainingInstituteTwitter: DrStanTatkinYoutube: StanleytatLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin/New Book: BabybombMore Links to books, retreats and free guide on 7 Ways to Fight BetterJackie Senatore's Website: clearforcoaches.comJackieSenatore Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/jackiesenatore/

In this episode my dear mentor Stan Tatkin shares his current understanding regarding what it takes for long term relationship to endure and thrive over time. He also describes the psychological impacts of betrayal on the "discovery partner" and the "secret keeping" partner. We share are thoughts on the role of shame in the betrayal healing process as well. Enjoy! Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships.

Understanding why love is not enough in an empowered relationship can be a challenge. So in this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin helps us recognize some of the most common biological and human factors that take us off track when creating intentionality in a relationship. Having a scientific framework that allows us to understand why we need more than love helps us create a shared vision for our relationships. By unpacking common causes of relationship challenges, we can learn how to commit fully to a loving partnership and ensure it remains a beautiful and fulfilling experience.  Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 09:35 Why the basic human being is not built for long term relationships 12:25 Going passively into a relationship assuming that love is the key to success is not the best approach to take 14:05 The inner development that we have to commit to can sometimes be challenging 19:03 Stan shares his practical tips on how to create a shared purpose and vision as a couple 33:29 The importance of being cognizant of that we continue to evolve as individuals while developing our purpose, vision, governance, and ethics as a couple 33:48 Why we should intentionally create form-fitting principles to ground our relationship 40:32 How PACT can help couples improve their relationships Mentioned We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Rx, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Road Map Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Website: thepactinstitute.com  Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin/ Twitter: @DrStanTatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

In this episode, Kimberly and Stan discuss attachment theory, styles of learned attachment, and ways to maintain healthy relationships. They discuss attachment theory regarding parent-child relationships as well as romantic partners, differences between codependence and interdependent relationships, and how to work towards mutually beneficial relationships even during conflict. Tatkin believes that with proper understanding and/or coaching, all humans can sustain loving and beneficial relationships despite conflict.   Bio Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®. Tatkin has written many books based on his attachment and relationship work such as Wired for Love and most recently Baby Bomb. Tatkin created the PACT Institute in 2010 with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, to train mental health professionals to think and work through a psychobiological lens in their clinical practice.   What He Shares:  --Definition of Attachment theory --Attachment styles (Islands, Waves, and Anchors) --Co-Dependence vs. Interdependence --Single and step parenting --Handling conflict   What You'll Hear: --Attachment theory is felt sense of safety and security of infant and primary caregiver --Secure and insecure reactions of infant, child, adult --Island, Wave, and Anchors as learned attachment behaviors --Island preoccupied with independence and autonomy --Wave encouraged to stay dependent --Co-dependence as one-way street --Interdependence as two autonomous beings in agreement of stakeholders in relationship --Healthy relationships always being two-person system, not individual  --Couples as co-architects creating culture around them --Thinking big picture in a relationship --Importance of vetting before a relationship --Focus on perfect relationship: safety & security, love & affection, admiration & growth --Relationship/children hierarchy --Single parents moving to relationships --Evolution of pair-bonding in herds --Interrupting stress patterns during conflict to remember benefits of other person --Put something in place to remind each other to keep from harming each other --Humans wired for threat, have to work through emphasizing love and benefits for individuals involved Resources website www.thepactinstitute.com IG: @drstantatkin

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT is a teacher, clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). Beloved by colleagues and clients alike, Stan is an expert on human behavior and couple relationships. He speaks and teaches around the world on secure-functioning relationships – how to understand them, create them, and support them. Stan has written dozens of academic articles and six bestselling books – now translated into Spanish, Chinese, Turkish, and Romanian. More than 1.1 million people have tuned in to Stan's TEDx talk. A Therapist's Therapist Stan and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, created the PACT Institute in 2010 to train mental health professionals to successfully integrate a psychobiological approach in their clinical practices. Through the PACT Institute, Stan has trained thousands of therapists in Austin, Berkeley, Boulder, Los Angeles, New York, Santa Fe, Seattle, Canada, England, Norway, Turkey, Australia, and Spain. They appreciate his depth of understanding – of both the scientific research and the human condition – and how he integrates that wisdom to form the foundation of the comprehensive principles and methodologies he teaches. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists CA honored Stan with the Educator of the Year award in 2014. Go-To Source for Couples Stan helps couples create healthy attachments and secure-functioning relationships based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity. Throughout each year, Stan and Tracey travel coast to coast, leading couples through Wired For Love Couple Retreats with other PACT faculty. Stan has devoted his life to working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships, and he maintains a robust clinical practice in Calabasas, California. Scholar, Advancing Psychotherapy Stan is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a founding member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. A former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter, Stan is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He's trained in the Adult Attachment, Facial Action Coding System, and Strange Situation. He was also trained in Self and Object Relations for working with personality disorders through the Masterson Institute. As clinician, he has also specialized in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders and drug and alcohol addiction. Stan is an experienced facilitator in Vipassana, having trained with Shinzen Young, PhD, in Vipassana meditation. He also trained with David Reynolds, PhD, in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan.

What are the four attachment styles? What are some things we can do to build secure attachment? How can we support our partners who didn't have the best childhoods? Find out in this week's episode of The Learn to Love Podcast, where your host Zach Beach interviews counselor, consultant and educator Carista Luminare on Building Secure Attachment. Learn more about your guest below: Carista Luminare, Ph.D., has more than 40 years experience as a counselor, consultant and educator to individuals, couples and families. In her counseling practice, she integrates her lifelong research on early bonding patterns and how they impact our identity and our adult relationship dynamics. Her powerful life-changing programs bring participants into direct experience and embodiment of their True Self. Carista has developed a comprehensive holistic parenting methodology, a leading-edge evolutionary leadership program, and a practical approach for couples to rewire their insecure bonding patterns into a secure functioning relationship. After graduating from Harvard University in Psychology and Social Relations in 1978, and completing her post-graduate degrees, Carista pioneered educational programs on early attachment that focused on preventing and repairing childhood developmental trauma. She is the author of the groundbreaking book, Parenting Begins Before Conception. She is certified in both the Gottman Method and Stan Tatkin's PACT Institute. Carista has lectured throughout the United States at conferences, hospitals, and universities, and has been featured in a variety of international teleseminars and media about early attachment and human development. She is a featured blog writer at YourTango.com. She is the co-founder and President of Luminary Leadership Institute, and co-creator of the programs offered at ConfusedAboutLove.com. Carista is a mother, and step-mother, and she has used her approach with her own family and in her relationships with great success (including with her beloved partner, Lion Goodman!) Learn more at * https://confusedaboutlove.com/ * https://trueself.net/ * http://healingnarcissismandcodependency.com/ * https://www.luminaryleadership.net/ Learn more about your host and the show at: www.zachbeach.com www.the-heart-center.com Like us on Facebook: facebook.com/learntolovenow Join the Community group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1428012130828678/

In this episode we delve into the underlying PACT element of neuroscience in interviews with Lou Cozolino and Stan Tatkin.  Dr. Cozolino is a professor at Pepperdine University and the author of numerous books and articles about the overlap of developmental neuroscience and psychotherapy.  Dr. Tatkin is the founder of the PACT Institute and has written extensively about the overlap of developmental neuroscience and couple therapy.  They both had formative experiences at the Bradshaw Center and in Alan Schore's study groups in developmental affective neuroscience, both maintain private practices and both live in Southern California.  They also share in the ability to translate neuroscience in a way that makes sense to the psychotherapist. All of this overlap provides a solid foundation to build a better of understanding of neuroscience, it is also interesting to listen for the ways their paths diverge and how their work with different patient populations impacts  their perspective on psychobiology.  As usual, Stan generously leads us off and helps to get us situated in how the interview with Lou can be understood from the perspective of couples and secure functioning.Time-----00:00:00 - 00:03:10 -Jason Introduction00:02:00-00:41:25 - Jason and Stan Tatkin00:41:25-01:27:44 - Jason and Lou CozolinoResources-----Lou Cozolino’s books on Amazon:https://www.amazon.com/Louis-J.-Cozolino/e/B001H6IW0G%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share Short video of Lou on Inspire Ideas:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYokFn1nw4QInformation about Allan Schore:http://www.allanschore.com/  

Karen Buckwalter concludes her conversation with Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, about examining couples and romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory. Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. Dr. Tatkin also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program, and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program out of UC Berkeley.

Karen Buckwalter welcomes Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, for part one of their conversation about examining couples and romantic relationships through the lens of attachment theory. Tatkin is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, and developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. Dr. Tatkin also teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental self and object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was a primary inpatient group therapist at the John Bradshaw Center, where among other things, he taught mindfulness to patients and staff. He was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin was clinical director of Charter Hospital’s intensive outpatient drug and alcohol program, and is a former president of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, Ventura County chapter. He is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore’s study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse’s program out of UC Berkeley.

On this week’s episode, Ameé talks with renowned couples expert and author, Dr. Stan Tatkin. Stan Tatkin, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 20 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. And he is the author of many books on the topic of relationships including Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger. In this episode, you will hear:Why is a romantic partner even necessary? What are the benefits of being tethered to another person? What is Attachment Theory and how does our attachment style affect us as adults? What is attraction and why do we go for certain types of people, even if they are “wrong” for us?How do you become an expert in your partner? Ultimately, how do we know this other person is worth the effort? What are our cues? Books by Dr. Tatkin include:We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, published by Sounds TrueRelationship Rx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love, published by Sounds TrueWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, published by New Harbinger.Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger.Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, published by Sounds True.Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, with coauthor Marion Solomon, available through W. W. Norton’s Interpersonal Neurobiology Series. Website: https://thepactinstitute.com/Facebook the PACT Institute: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstituteFacebook for Dr. Stan Tatkin: https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/

If you've ever wondered "why are relationships difficult?" you'll want to catch this episode with Dr. Stan Tatkin. We start with an exploration of how our species’ survival relies on an inborn negativity bias and how this same mechanism makes relationships difficult and more challenging to sustain under stress. Everyone’s experienced some form of relational loss and developmental trauma. And so, with this in mind, we’re also discussing how early development shapes each of us and our ability to self-regulate and foster safe, secure, adult romantic relationships. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy. He is also the author of several books on aspects of love and relationships, with his most recent one being We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. Through his clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, workshops, couples’ retreats, and the PACT Institute, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train psychotherapists to use the PACT method in their clinical practices.   In this episode, Stan and I discuss: What the Psychobiological Approach is. The inability of people to act and react quickly and properly before they launch into a “fight or flight” response---or a collapse For the purpose of helping us understand, Dr. Tatkin simplifies how our neurobiology works down to the two areas of the brain: the ambassadors and the primitives For optimum arousal, we need all systems online at the same time, which takes alertness and relaxation Why we aren’t all set up for adult love relationships How we learn to self-regulate to prepare for adult relationships Why so many people don’t know how to get to a safe, secure place Stan’s “foxhole” illustration: are couples at war with each other in the foxhole or protecting one another How a dangerous environment makes people put aside their differences and work together How people manage relationships by learning to work together How a couple has to live by agreements that are good for both, like, “We protect each other in public and private” How memory perception and communication can get us into trouble The difference between co-dependency and interdependency How our trauma approach can lead to PTSD----and hugs, massage, and acupuncture can help much more than talking How people can ease into eye contact with each other The importance of play, which comes from feeling safe and secure Why people might have trouble with play “The window of tolerance” and what it means for couples Things that can compromise and narrow the window of tolerance How we miss much of the language used when we communicate in ways that don’t include eye contact, like phone calls, texting, and email Why experiencing trauma in life means a lot of re-regulating will need to take place Why most everything we suffer from is interpersonal Resources: www.thepactinstitute.com  Find out more about Stan’s practice, resources, books, retreats, and workshops We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love   Thank you to our sponsor, TherapyNotes. Get two free months of TherapyNotes and a free data import after signing up for a free trial by going to www.therapynotes.com and using promo code: connectfulness   Learn more about Rebecca’s relationship therapy practice and intensive couples retreat experiences in NY at connectfulness.com Join our Connectfulness® Community connectfulness.com/community Follow us @connectfulness on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. Root in with Rebecca’s Connectfulness® Collective for therapists in private practice at: connectfulness.com/collective

We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring LoveStan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and author who integrates neuroscience, attachment theory, and current therapies. He is the developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), and he and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, created the PACT Institute to train other psychotherapists in this methodology. Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills, CA, is assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, and directs training programs throughout North America and globally. He is the author of Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, and Your Brain on Love: TheNeurobiology of Healthy Relationships.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, joins the show today to talk about creating a long-lasting and secure relationship. He discusses his latest book, We Do, his work at the PACT Institute, and how we can encourage people to take time to have the important discussions before jumping in headfirst to a commitment or marriage. He also discusses the smart way to vet out a potential relationship, monogamy as a choice, the Commandments of a secure functioning relationship and advice for couples dealing with betrayal.   TAKEAWAYS: [3:10] Stan Tatkin’s book, We Do is a pre-commitment manual, meant to help people understand the nuts and bolts about intimacy, agreements, and having a purpose and vision for being together. [5:10] Monogamy is a choice, not something provided by nature. While it is nature’s plan to mix up the gene pool about every 4 years, honest and true intimacy is something very possible with the right tools. [6:04] Love that stems from secure functioning is interdependent on the parties surviving and thriving together. It is a mutual agreement to protect each other, agree on being in it together, and a commitment to practice radical loyalty. [8:07] In the early stages of a relationship we may get hooked in by love or even lust, but an attitude and spirit of collaboration and cooperation keeps us together. [10:17] While most premarital counseling focuses on our goals surrounding finance and children, Dr. Tatkin feels it should be more about vision and expectations, to find out if we are really on the same page. [12:19] Yes, it matters if your friends like your significant others. We can use our social networks to vet out our potential partners, and see how well we fit in the community together. When red flags are popping up from our family and friends on our partner, that is something to be taken seriously. [14:48] Women also bond and release oxytocin in not just sex, but eye contact and kissing. [15:48] Dr. Tatkin is interested in keeping partners together because our primary attachment bond has the ability to be the lighting rod to give hope and influence others in society. [17:48] Although the human relationship is complex, we need it to survive. As primates, we are driven by attachment, community, interaction and relationships. Humans need each other to amplify our emotional states. [23:09] Dr. Tatkin shares some of his Commandments for Enduring and Connected Love: We consult with each other first, and are aware that we are the rulers of our ecosystem. Our relationship comes first. We tell each other everything. We take threats off the table. We have each other’s backs, and know exactly how to protect each other’s vulnerabilities. [28:08] Secure functioning doesn’t necessarily mean monogamy, it just means we agree and are up front about the big ticket items. [30:24] Being able to depend on and trust our partners is the most important factor of long lasting and secure functioning relationships. [32:29] Couples dealing with betrayal almost always need a mediator to help. It is never acceptable for someone that has betrayed you to rush your healing, or blame you for any part of their behavior. [35:26] By nature humans are self serving, but when we seek to help not only ourselves but our partner, we can begin long lasting love. [37:02] To stay healthy and happy we must have at least one secure functioning relationship.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101 Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Rob@sexandrelationshiphealing.com Stan Tatkin We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love The Pact Institute Harvard Study   QUOTES: “People can save themselves a lot of pain if they just learn the nuts and bolts of being in an intimate relationship.” “People tend to think this is about me, or about you, but this really is about the human condition.” “More people are invested in finding the right person, than looking at the right relationship.” “There’s nothing harder than another person. But we need them.” “It’s about trust and reliability.”

In this segment of the Inner Voice - a Heartfelt chat with Dr. Foojan, Dr. Foojan Zeine interviews with Dr. Stan Tatkin, Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of several books including the popular Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships and most recently Relationship RX: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love - an Audio CD  www.stantatkin.com  www.thepactinstitute.com. Tune in Mondays 3 PM PST and call in to the show. www.foojan.com - www.kmet1490am.com

“Relationships are difficult,” begins Dr. Stan Tatkin in his 2016 TED Talk. However, as you will see… they are not impossible; in fact, being in a relationship with another human being and becoming on expert on each other, is actually one of the most rewarding things in life.There is hope – whether you are needing the tools to tune up and repair some of the current ruptures in your relationship, or want to take a good relationship to great, Stan Tatkin helps show us the way through the shallows of dating, all the way through to the “I do” and how to navigate the deeper waters.Learning how to take care of ourselves through loving one another is a meaningful practice which brings about a new fulfillment, and richer life where the rewards are a revved up relationship that will thrive far into the future.Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.***Hosted by Stephanie James. Produced by Chris Lanphear for NoCo Media, Ltd.Music Credits: "One Blink For Yes" (from Stranger Things) by Kyle Dixon and Michael Stein, "All You Need Is Love" by The BeatlesHear new episodes Wednesdays at 9pm Eastern/7pm Mountain on NoCo FM: https://noco.fm (https://noco.fm)Listen to us on the RadioPublic app: https://www.thesparkpod.com/pod/radiopublic (https://www.thesparkpod.com/pod/radiopublic)The Spark With Stephanie James is supported by its listeners, and by Audible.com. With over 180,000 titles to choose from, Audible.com allows you to listen to an immense library of books for every taste on your iPhone, Android, Kindle, tablet, or computer, including Resilient by Rick Hanson and Molly's Game by Molly Bloom.Audible.com has a special offer for listeners of The Spark which includes a free audiobook of your choice and a 30-day free trial.Learn more and get your free audiobook now at thesparkpod.com/audible. Support this podcast

Taking Care of your Relationship - In this segment of the Innervoice show, Dr. Foojan Zeine interviews Dr. Stan Tatkin,  A Clinician, Author, Professor at UCLA, Founder of PACT Institute.  A dialogue about ways to assess the strengths of the relationship and vulnerabilities, ways to uphold a shared couple space and come to a love experience that can be recreated daily. www.stantatkin.com Please contact me with your suggestions and questions at www.foojan.com

Stan Tatkin is a PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. PACT stands for Psycho-biological Approach to Couples Therapy. Stan joins Charlie on the show today to discuss why couple relationships are so hard, at the same time that they are so great and necessary. The main challenges stem from the fact that we are reactive beings first and fast, and thoughtful, loving beings second and slowly. Knowing this about ourselves allows us to build relationships that enable us to thrive. Key Takeaways: [3:05] – Relationships are an important part of our lives, at the same time that the challenges with those relationships can be a bad part of our lives. Relationships are hard, because people are difficult. Some in particular are harder than others - love relationships (like that of a parent and child) are hard because they are long-memory and dependency relationships. In our other relationships, we can try to resolve the problems in that primary relationships. [5:50] - We are memory-driven, and when we do things according to recognition, it’s lightning fast while thinking is very slow. Our brains are also fully automatic, and this can cause us to go on autopilot in our relationships. We can start to make errors in communication and perception, which can lead to fights in a relationship. [7:05] - The cognitive aspects of our decisions translate over to our emotional behaviors as well. We are more likely to act and react according to recognition. The emotional reaction comes after. Our survival instincts often lead us to go to war over love. [10:20] - Stan and Charlie discuss being feeling beings over thinking beings. As much as we believe we are thinking beings, we are really feeling beings first. [13:00] - It would be ideal if early education covered how to learn, and also how to be in relationships. Students would learn what relationships are, and what it means to be in a relationship. This might foster learning how you feel in different scenarios as well, and widening the range of emotions (Charlie likens this to primary colors). We also have primary emotions, and as we grow up we begin to feel more, and get blended emotions. Some people have alexithymia, where they don’t know what they are feeling. [17:10] - Stan doesn’t have a statistic on how many people are affected by alexithymia, but it’s a developmental capacity model, so it looks at what people can and cannot do in the social/ emotional realm. Some of the limitations in the social/ emotional realm can cause problems in our love relationships. Stan provides some specific examples of how this can play out. [19:38] - As humans, we are more primed for war and fighting, and we have unequal capacities in the emotional realm. When we add our historical relationships into our new relationships, that’s where the complexities arise. While we are primed for fighting, we are also dependent on relationships with others. They often interfere with our other need to survive; this creates a constant tension between our need to depend on others and our fear of getting hurt. [22:18] - The good news is that there are ways to understand this complexity so that it doesn’t become such a problem. You can confide in a trusted person, but love relationships also provide tremendous repair. It is up to us to foster our love relationships to be productive rather than destructive. [24:50] - Relationships are work - we have to work to get them to where we want to be so we can thrive together. There are some indicators that might predict relationships that don’t work out. On a biological level, two nervous systems may be so reactive that they don’t get along. The things people do as mistakes are: 1. They come from an insecure model where the family operates unfairly and unjustly too often, and they carry that forward into their own relationships that accrue this same unfairness 2. They don’t understand the primacy of the relationship, and don’t understand third things that are added to the relationship that take time away from the pair 3. They don’t have a sense of purpose or vision, or a sense of why they are together. [29:35] - How do we come up with the guiding principles and vision in a relationship? It is almost irresponsible to not make the time to think about this. As you are coming up with principles that will protect you from each other, think about the intention behind each principle. There are shared beliefs that are fairly universal, and these can guide you in coming up with the vision for your relationship. [32:55] - In a relationship, as you start defining your principles and vision, make sure you also agree on the purpose behind it. Challenge each other to explore why the vision serves a personal good and a mutual good. Practice full transparency without conditions. [35:35] - What are general dealbreakers people should look for as they start to have these conversations? One of them is the transparency without conditions, and finding someone who believes the same. Deal breakers will eventually get to people. If you disagree on fundamental items, it will perpetuate the same problems down the road. [37:55] - Some people are under the assumption (and hope) that the other person in the relationships, or they themselves, will change their stance on one of the deal breakers. As a couples therapist, Stan doesn’t see that this usually works out. It is hard because people don’t want to experience the loss. It is very painful, but there would be worse things to come other than breaking up. [41:05] - There is a difference between surviving and thriving in a relationship. You can survive by negotiating on your non-negotiables, but it is hard to thrive in a relationship like that. As change is the only constant, even as a thriving couple, time may change your views on these non-negotiables. A task throughout the relationship is to know how people are going to adjust, and how they’re going to bargain so it’s good for both people in the relationship. [43:26] - People may resist taking the time to outline some of these non-negotiables and their vision, because they are afraid there is something they will have to change or something will come up that they don’t want to face. This is part of the human condition; people don’t always show exactly what they want, even to themselves. [45:04] - When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, like Charlie and Angela, it may be a good time to occasionally come together to talk about some of the decisions you’ve made previously and make sure that you’re still on the same page. Charlie shares the example of himself and Angela and the topic of having kids. Even if the relationship is comfortable, it could be productive to check in and make sure it’s still set up for the couple to thrive. [47:37] - Recommitment offers a time to remarry and redo your vision for the future. As you move through time together, there are a number of things that can change the playing field. It’s hard to get people to do this proactively, but it could save a marriage (or relationship). The fear of loss can be a good motivator for coming to terms with what you could now agree on. [49:30] - Stan doesn’t want couples to fear each other, except for in one sense. At any time, either person involved has the power to pull the trigger on the other, and leave the relationship. This gives rise to a kind of respect in the sense that there are lines you don’t cross. Both people need to make sure their needs are being met. [51:40] - When someone is giving up their sense of self or their sense of fairness, it will backfire on both partners. This might become a therapeutic issue, and often when previous offenses show back up. These things can be corrected quickly if people have the right attitude. [54:45] - Stan’s invitation for listeners is to come to one of the couples retreats coming up. He challenges listeners to come up with a plaque-able “10 Commandments” for your relationship. Don’t overthink this - it should be easy and simple to understand. Mentioned in This Episode: Productive Flourishing Relationships Are Hard, But Why?, TEDx Talk by Stan Tatkin Stan Tatkin The PACT Institute Daughters, by John Mayer SaneBox

How do you keep love alive? It's not what you think!This week, we're diving deep into love, romance, danger, conflict, fact, fantasy and truth with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Tatkin's practice is based in Calabasas, California, where for the last 20 years he has specialized in working with couples, and also individuals who want to be in a relationship.Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, Ph.D., founded the PACT Institute where they train psychotherapists to use the PACT method in their clinical practice. They lead couple workshops and train therapists all over the world.Tatkin is also the author of numerous books, including Wired for LOVE: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.+---------------------+We're grateful for the kind support of: ShipStation: Manage and ship your orders. FREE for 30 days, plus a bonus. Visit ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in GOODLIFE.ZipRecruiter: Post jobs for FREE, go to ZipRecruiter.com/good.Cultivating Place: Thoughtful conversations with both world class and everyday ordinary gardeners, growers, naturalists, scientists, artists and thinkers.To take a listen, go to cultivatingplace.com, subscribe to the podcast, and sign up for the monthly newsletter.Tula: Try TULA probiotic skincare today! Go to Tula.com/goodlife to get 20% off and free shipping on your order with the promo code at the top of the screen.

Welcome to episode seventeen of the Honest Mamas Podcast. Today, our guest is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, who is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises first- through third-year family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a core member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. What you’ll hear in this episode   How Stan became an expert working with couples The three attachment styles in the PACT approach—the wave, anchor and island The way in which these attachment styles show up Working with our partners to crate safe and secure attachments How to deal with these issues as children come into the relationship Practical tips on how to manage conflict within a relationship Why you shouldn’t stay in an unhappy relationship just for the kids Resources https://stantatkin.com http://thepackardinstitute.com Ted Talk - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2xKXLPuju8U

A conversation with Stan Tatkin, founder of the PACT Institute, about a neuroscience-informed approach to working with couples.  Dr. Tatkin discusses both theoretical foundations of his approach, as well as practical strategies for applying the model with couples.   For more on Stan, links from the conversation, and the APA citation for this episode visit http://wp.me/p7R6fn-e9  

GUEST STAN TATKIN: Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT: “Secure Functioning” is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity. How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together. Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship. Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment. Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. “Love yourself before you can love another.”) Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed? People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship. How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship. Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias. Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship. The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive. ***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS*** I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!! MENTIONED: Stan Tatkin (website) PACT Institute (website) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Why are relationships so hard? If you're anything like I am you've spent immeasurable time and effort clawing away at romantic relationships that just never seem to work out. For me personally, it's been by far the biggest supplier of grist for the mill. When the offer came across my desk to have Stan on the podcast I immediately jumped on it because I not only wanted to bring his wisdom to you but I also wanted to get into the deep end of my own issues. I got so much out of this one. We talked about the patterns within relationships, our nervous systems, gender roles and history, neurobiology and why that plays a role and techniques for dealing with conflict. Stan is smart, wise, very well educated and compassionate. Check out his site, books and this podcast! Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice. In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises first- through third-year family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a core member on Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. www.stantatkin.com

Aired Thursday, 12 January 2017, 2:00 PM ETIn the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever. But, what if there is a way to stack the odds of finding the right person for you in your favor? Everyone wants to find love, but few really understand how and why people become attracted to one another; how to move toward or away from commitment; and the important role the brain and nervous system play in the creation of love and romance. Join Sylvia and Dr. Stan Tatkin as they discuss practical tips that you can use to prepare yourself for dating and love so that you’ll be ready to meet your ideal partner and know how to make a meaningful connection. About the Guest Dr. Stan Tatkin Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is the author of Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He has a clinical practice in Southern California, teaches at Kaiser Permanente, and is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Tatkin developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®) and together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, founded the PACT Institute. For more information about Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, visit: www.StanTatkin.com

Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Stan Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Dr. Stan Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as an advisory board member of Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Biology of Love Co-hosts Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley engage in a wide-ranging discussion with Dr. Stan Tatkin on the biology of love, connections and the practical things to do and not do in our most important relationships. We discuss the significance and power of primary relationships. Whether with a partner, a friend, or a sibling, a “primary” is the one you most turn toward to celebrate your special moments or to seek support during hard times. It is within these relationships that we build a 2-person security system that helps us tackle the world in a more secure and robust way. How To Prioritize The Relationship Dr. Stan Tatkin shares his vast knowledge of neurobiology and attachment to help us understand how to find, build and maintain safety and security in these relationships. Our discussion reaches far and wide, including how to vet a potential partner, ways to relate in a “fair and just” manner, and the importance of understanding and communicating your own value system with others. From monogamy to polyamory relationships, it is important to understand yourself more deeply and those that you bring into your life. Join our email list at www.therapistuncensored.com to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!     RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: Stan Tatkin-Wired for Dating, How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Stan Tatkin:Your Brain on Love, the Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships PACT – www.thepactinstitute.com Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page!

  IN THIS EPISODE:If It’s Not Good for You, It’s not Good for Us: Interview with Relationship Expert Stan TatkinShow Notes Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Stan Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author Wired for Dating, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Dr. Stan Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as an advisory board member of Relationships First, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Biology of LoveCo-hosts Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley engage in a wide-ranging discussion with Dr. Stan Tatkin on the biology of love, connections and the practical things to do and not do in our most important relationships. We discuss the significance and power of primary relationships. Whether with a partner, a friend, or a sibling, a “primary” is the one you most turn toward to celebrate your special moments or to seek support during hard times. It is within these relationships that we build a 2-person security system that helps us tackle the world in a more secure and robust way. How To Prioritize The RelationshipDr. Stan Tatkin shares his vast knowledge of neurobiology and attachment to help us understand how to find, build and maintain safety and security in these relationships. Our discussion reaches far and wide, including how to vet a potential partner, ways to relate in a “fair and just” manner, and the importance of understanding and communicating your own value system with others. From monogamy to polyamory relationships, it is important to understand yourself more deeply and those that you bring into your life. Join our email list at  (https://www.therapistuncensored.com/)  to access our private online community supporting the dissemination of the relational sciences to support healthy connections and relationships around the world!     RESOURCES: (https://www.therapistuncensored.com/resources/) Additional resources for this episode: Stan Tatkin- Wired for Dating, How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (http://amzn.to/2eemGen) Stan Tatkin: Your Brain on Love, the Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (http://amzn.to/2er09bZ) PACT – www.thepactinstitute.com (http://www.thepactinstitute.com) Stan Tatkin – Wired for Love (http://amzn.to/2dpFuqS) These and other resources have been collected for you on our Resources page! (https://www.therapistuncensored.com/resources/) Support this podcast

Sister Jenna welcomes Dr. Stan Tatkin to the America Meditating Radio Show. Dr. Tatkin, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method - called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) - draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Dr. Tatkin co-founded the PACT Institute which trains psychotherapists and other professionals from all over the world in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at UCLA's Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING. Visit http://stantatkin.com. Get the Off the Grid Into the Heart CD by Sister Jenna.  Like America Meditating & follow us on Twitter.  Visit us at www.meditationmuseum.org.  Download our free Pause for Peace App for Apple or Android.

How does your attachment style affect your dating life? When you know your attachment style, and that of your partner, how can you use that knowledge to make your relationship stronger? How do you know when it’s time to commit? In today’s episode, we’re talking with Stan Tatkin, author of “Wired for Dating” and “Wired for Love” - and one of the world’s leading experts on how to use attachment theory for the betterment of your love life. This is Stan’s second appearance on Relationship Alive, and we use the opportunity to dive even more deeply into his work and how you can put it to use whether you’re single or...er, attached. Waves, Islands, and Anchors. These terms describe researched relational and attachments styles. They are constructs that help give metaphor and meaning to ways in which an individual relates to others as a result of early childhood experiences. Our early familial patterns change and shape our autonomic nervous systems, and thus, the way that we engage with those around us. When it comes to depending on another we each have different ways we feel in our body, minds, our memory, and in our bones. Anchors: Those who are anchors experienced secure attachments. They were raised in a reliable environment where relationships came first, where their needs were attended to, and there was no sense of either being left or being taken over. This infant develops with the intrinsic and extrinsic knowing that it is free and able to grow and learn independence without consequence. Island and Waves: Unlike anchors, islands and waves were raised in an environment where relationship did not come first, and from a very young age they had to adapt themselves to their environment in order to get their needs met. Both islands and waves want relationship, although they both struggle with trust. Waves tend to hold a core belief that they are going to be abandoned, and so they are less independent and often cling to others. Islands, however, hold the core belief that if they depend on another their independence will be taken away, and they will feel robbed and trapped, thus causing them to be ultra distant and quick to quit. Patterns not labels. These terms are not meant to pigeon-hole, but rather help describe the psychobiological response to insecure childhood experiences. These patterned responses are also not static- we can adapt, change, and heal. And although relationships are the places in which insecurely attached individuals may struggle the most, relationships also offer incredibly healing potential! Each partner must be willing to get to know their own wiring, and then get curious and learn to understand their partner’s wiring. From an understanding of your own and your partner’s psychobiological needs, you begin to move away from distressing conflict, towards collaboration, compassion, and ultimately, to building a securely attached relationship. Attachment is fluid- we are hurt by people and healed by people. The only way out of insecurity is through a relationship! You have to do it with another person! Fully resource each other! Creating a secure relationship takes a commitment to being in the foxhole together. Create a culture together in which you watch out for each other- where you are working collaboratively and mutually. Make your own 10 commandments, and include expectations such as: We pay attention to each other We are present with each other as much as we can be We never throw each other under the bus We do not keep secrets or hide We never threaten the relationship or each other Safety in a relationship is a cultivated state- requiring constant input and attention. That said, the energy you each invest in limiting the stress load and the threats, will create the space and stability needed for resilience, flourishing, and healthy development! Navigating insecurity while dating: As you enter the dating scene, it is incredibly valuable to learn about your own neurobiological wiring. What was your infancy and early childhood experience? How did your primary caregivers show (or not show) love? How were your needs met or not met? And how have you showed up in relationships so far? Are you trusting? Fear independence? Fear abandonment? On top of an awareness of how your own experience has shaped your reactions to relationship, it is helpful to also examine how cultural, familial, or personal ideals of relationship are impacting you. What expired values and expectations of relationship are you still holding on to that are no longer serving you? All of this questioning helps build a foundation for successful dating that allows you to be your authentic self and find a person who matches not your fears, but your desires. So many people do not do this inner searching, and end up simply heading out on a hunt for the ‘perfect person’, rather than for someone who matches their own sense of what a relationship is, and the shared we-ness of it all. Don’t just trust your own perceptions! No matter how self-aware and how many hours you have spent exploring your inner landscape, none of us are immune to the love drugs so prevalent in the beginning of courtship. Due to the neurochemicals associated with the honeymoon phase we are blinded. We are silly in love. We are superstars not truly yet showing or seeing flaws. Take care of yourself during this phase by getting your date checked out by family and friends! Share them with your social network/loved ones and have your people sniff them, and the two of you, out. Ask for feedback- how did we seem together? Was I myself? Do they seem genuine? Etc. Not that you have to take their word for reality- but it is helpful in this infatuation phase, to gather as much information as possible. Audition them! It takes about a year for pair bonding to develop and to really start to get to know someone and shed perceptions. Allow this first year dating to be an audition. Less with the intention to test, but with the openness to stay in curiosity. So many people want to rush right away to comfort, and thus they jump to creating a false sense of permanence, when really getting to know someone is inherently risky and requires the courage to tolerate the fact that it may end. When does dating end, and a sustained relationship begin? There is no guidebook, unfortunately. Each couple must decide when they deem themselves ready for exclusivity and further commitment. Hopefully as the first year develops, you and your partner have created a culture together in which you have learned how to pay attention to the mechanics of your relating, and reflect on this together. You have created language together and the safety needed for clear dialogue and checking in on your own personal growth, as well as how the relationship is going. If the couple has dedicated the time and energy needed to develop masterful communication skills, then they will more often than not have a mutual knowing, by the end of the first year, whether they are set up for longevity, or if the relationship needs either more work, or is simply not a fit. Being in relationship means conflict.  Be careful not to assume that just because there is conflict in your relationship or with your date that your compatibility is doomed. Conflict is an inherent part of authentic relating- and it is best to welcome it in the relationship, and create space and home for it. The opposite- the hiding, ignoring, intense minimization, and avoidance of conflict creates much more dangerous dynamics in the long run. The question then, is not if there is conflict present, but how do you, together, manage distress? How quickly can the two of you metabolize a disjoining experience without pointing fingers or making each other the problem?  How well you cultivate repairing states directly impacts your ability to weather the inevitable storms. Ask yourselves- Are we good at attenuating and foreshortening negative feelings? Are we good at amplifying positive feelings and love? Can we generate excitement together? Do we know how to create quiet love together? These questions help examine whether you are creating a psychobiologically safe and secure environment in which conflict can arise without creating a rupture of attachment. Kicking the can down the road. Many individuals, especially those who have insecure attachment styles, will engage in a kicking the can down the road mentality in which they ignore moments of disharmony and move on without repair. This may look like an argument in which a deal breaker issue arises, and one or the other person looks over the precipice, sees the end of the relationship, and turns back to their partner with a demand or an offer of even bigger commitment. And it makes sense! Breaking up is really hard to do and creates incredibly stress on the nervous system, and most people will sacrifice and compromise along the way to avoid pain. And yet, we know deep down that kicking the can down the road, and remaining in a relationship that is not right or working for you, wreaks havoc on your nervous system as it is constantly in a low to high grade stress state. Dating waves or islands: While anchors are by nature the most secure dating partners, don’t limit yourself to finding an anchor as most of the population are insecure in one way or another, and it is by no means a requirement for a successful relationship. Furthermore, we attract to people we can understand and relate to, and so it is unlikely that you will find an anchor, if you yourself are not one. Be patient with yourselves and with others, and focus on staying alert and curious about the different tendencies of waves and islands and how this shows up in dating. You may notice that insecure attachment shows up as a lack of collaboration. Is this person speaking in a way that engages me? Do they make it easy for me to connect with them? Relate to them? Is their face flat or are they overly expressive and emotional? And the same goes with yourself- how are you showing up?   How can I take care of myself and take care of YOU at the same time? The key is to identify your own tendencies, and to take responsibility in communicating this to others. For example, if you are an island, share with your date/partner that you are likely to be a little more reserved and quiet and that you do not want them to misunderstand that as a reflection of your lack of interest. Let your partner know that you get nervous and fearful when there is a sense that your independence is being threatened. Make it personal so they don’t have to! If you are a wave, give fair warning that you love interacting with people, and that you are prone to emotionality and that if it gets too much they can let you know. Let them know too, that you fear abandonment and that you need a certain level of awareness and care around this. If you know yourself, you are able not only to take care of yourself, but you can take care of your partner simultaneously. Own how you are likely to deal with conflict too. Share with each other how you historically deal with distress, and use each other to catch old patterns, and build new ones. Become an expert on each other. Pay attention to who your partner is, and what their needs are, and get very very good at differentiating this from who you need them to be or idealize them to be. Observe, notice, question, allow, consider, and check in on how your partner functions and why. Really we are talking about how to tolerate another, different person. Are they a cat, and you are expecting or desiring a dog? If so, how can you catch yourself so that you are not constantly disappointed, or blaming them for their lack of dog-ness, and instead appreciate their cat-ness. Respecting differences is not a passive process- honor and allow differences in your actions and become an active caretaker of your partner’s idiosyncrasies. Allow your nervous systems to play with each other! Building a secure relationship is not just about how you manage distress and differences, but how well you amplify the positive. Learn to amplify good things. Thanks to mirror neurons, you can co-regulate and co-create nervous system states together! You can co-create exciting love (that dopamine rich infatuation state) by using eye gazing, touch, and novelty. And then, to create the serotonin rich quiet love state, try allowing sweet silences, and parallel relaxation. Relationships need quiet love in order to have time for rest, for processing, for distress relief, and for re-finding equilibrium and stability. These times are necessary so that our autonomic nervous systems can wire around safety. Moments of connection create integrated systems.  Our nervous systems are built in relationship, and require frequent safe connection with others to regulate. Bring this science into your partnership. When injuries and hurt are not repaired and resolved quickly, we become wired in a way that makes us hyper-reactive and likely to see our partners as threats.  Furthermore, the human brain is 1) constantly scanning for danger, and 2) frequently making things up to fill in gaps. On top of this human communication is pretty flawed, even on a good day. All of this means that without awareness, we can become stuck in limiting patterns of relating that rely on assumptions, and escalate quickly into a fight or flight reactivity- something not conducive to stable love. Counteract the tendency to automate by checking in! How you perceive your partner, how they look, feel, taste, sound, seem, is hugely altered by the state you are in. When you are in an elevated and mobilized state you are likely to see them as threatening. You may, in those moments, not be able to discern between the reality of your partner and your subjective experience. Come face to face, get eye to eye, check and recheck, slow it down, and pay attention to each other. Gentle eye contact and close yet calm proximity are physiological conditions that help create a sense of safety. You also want to check in eye to eye because this allows you to track the microchanges in your partner’s body language so that you are responding to what is happening in real time. Then, ask, ask, and ask again! Are you upset right now? Your face just went cold/flat, what just happened? Are you okay? Am I doing that thing again? Are you feeling attacked? Bring mindfulness into your love life. Instead of tracking your internal experience as you would in meditation, track the external experience. Learn to study your partner and your relationship with attentiveness, and non-judgment. If you do not attend to what you see, you lose, your partner loses, and the couple loses. Pay attention. Be present. Go step by step and moment to moment. And allow for whatever arises. This is how we learn to take care of ourselves and our partner simultaneously. Resources Read Stan’s book Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Check out Stan’s website for more information on his work and for couple’s retreats Want to know more about trainings for therapists? Check out The Pact Institute www.neilsattin.com/wired2 Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide to this episode with Stan Tatkin. Join our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Our amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method - called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) - draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Together with his wife, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute which trains psychotherapists and other professionals from all over the world in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at UCLA's Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING. Visit http://stantatkin.com. Get the Off the Grid Into the Heart CD by Sister Jenna.  Like America Meditating on FB & follow us on Twitter.  Visit our website at www.meditationmuseum.org.  Download our free Pause for Peace App for Apple or Android.

Join us as we’ll discuss:Your lover’s - and your own - attachment style.What the ‘couple bubble’ is and how it saves relationships.How we can rewire our brains for better relationships. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations, Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private clinical practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders, but more recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Stan Tatkin and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute to train clinicians in A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). A fusion of attachment theory, developmental neuroscience, and arousal regulation, PACT is quickly gaining a reputation for effectively treating couples formerly thought of as untreatable. The PACT Institute hosts trainings in seven US cities as well as in Australia, Canada, Spain, and Turkey. To learn more about Dr. Tatkin go to http://stantatkin.com.

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/abwmitchellrabin/support

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv  

Purchase Stan's Books and CDs Wednesday, Jan 1, 6pm EST: Mitchell's guest tonight is Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT®). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA. Dr. Tatkin has developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.In addition, Dr. Tatkin teaches and supervises family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. Dr. Tatkin is on the board of directors of Lifespan Learning Institute and serves as a member on Relationships First Counsel, a nonprofit organization founded by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. Dr. Tatkin received his early training in developmental object relations (Masterson Institute), Gestalt, psychodrama, and family systems theory. His private practice specialized for some time in treating adolescents and adults with personality disorders. More recently, his interests turned to psycho-neurobiological theories of human relationship, and applying principles of early mother-infant attachment to adult romantic relationships. Dr. Tatkin was trained in Vipassana meditation by Shinzen Young, and was an experienced facilitator in Vipassana. He was also trained by David Reynolds in two Japanese forms of psychotherapy, Morita and Naikan. Dr. Tatkin  is a veteran member of Allan N. Schore's study group. He also trained in the Adult Attachment Interview through Mary Main and Erik Hesse's program out of UC Berkeley. You can Listen on-line at www.abetterworld.tv  

*Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD* Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin has served as the director of various philanthropic family foundations over three decades. In addition to her leadership roles, she has been involved at the ground level of humanitarian efforts worldwide. Tracey is co-founder of the PACT Institute. *Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT* Clinician, author, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute, Dr. Tatkin teaches at UCLA, maintains a private practice in Southern California, and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. In this episode of Mother the Mother: * The benefits of youth volunteerism * Ways to be of service with your family * The decline in our society’s sense of community * Attachment theory & how the PACT Institute came to be * Creating agreements in your relationship * Reducing overwhelm & decision-fatigue through movement This show is supported by : * BLUblox | Head over to blublox.com/MTM ( https://www.blublox.com/MTM ) for 15% off your pair of BLUblox glasses. * ClearStem | Visit clearstemskincare.com/ ( https://clearstemskincare.com/ ) and enter code MTM at checkout for $10 off of product orders. For 15% off of their Ditch Your Acne course, visit clearstem-skincare.mykajabi.com/custom-homepage ( https://clearstem-skincare.mykajabi.com/custom-homepage ) and use code MTM  Resources: * Learn more: thepactinstitute.com ( https://www.thepactinstitute.com/ ) Robert Putnam – Bowling Alone and other civic engagement information: * Robertdputnam.com ( http://robertdputnam.com/ ) Where children can donate gently used stuffed animals and books and toys: * nationalcasagal.org ( https://nationalcasagal.org/ ) Following are organizations families can donate to projects: * grameenamerica.org ( https://www.grameenamerica.org/ ) * kiva.org ( https://www.kiva.org/ ) * habitat.org ( https://www.habitat.org/ ) * heifer.org ( https://www.heifer.org/ ) * tenthousandvillages.com ( https://www.tenthousandvillages.com/ ) Family volunteer opportunities: * about.usps.com/holidaynews/operation-santa.htm ( https://about.usps.com/holidaynews/operation-santa.htm ) * thepeopleconcern.org/volunteer.php ( https://www.thepeopleconcern.org/volunteer.php ) * healthebay.org ( https://healthebay.org/ ) This show is produced by Soulfire Productions ( http://soulfireproductionsco.com/ )