Not Your Mother‘s Book Club

Smack, Smack, and Smack, oh my!  Make sure to say it three times cause you've never had a pumpkin spice cum shot like this before…seeds and all. Stuff me like a turkey and call me Gord cause Holly Wilde is munchin' this pumpkin pie with the novel Hallowpeen. Jerk my Jack-o-lantern and bob on my butternut balls cause this threesome is about to seed you deep and seed you good. 

Veggie tales, Veggie porn, and Vageggies, oh my! Calling all smuts for a very special surprise bonus episode! Who knew fanfiction could be this hot? Mikayla sure didn't. RIP Max Goof and may Natalie Dormer spare us all. Join us this week as NYT bestselling author Olivie Blake tells us what makes a man hot and why we need more bitches, while your mistresses tell you what veggies we would put in our holes. Fun times.

Shrimp, Fingers, and God, oh my!  Well put a “hypothetical” diaper on me and let me jump out a goddamn “hypothetical” window cause it's the “hypothetical” finale “hypothetical” bitchessss! These dysentery queens mean business and God (the magic 8 ball) has spoken so we must read A Legend in the Baking by Jamie Wesley. Dharma "hypothetically" smells of hummus, raindrops, and dreams and Mikayla, without a millimeter of a doubt, has mouth musk…”hypothetically". #ABDH (If you know you know!)  

Yeti's, Bigfoots, and Housewives, oh my!  This week our clams are scared shut with Seduced by Big foot and Ravaged by the Yeti by E. Roche-Poesy. Dancing testicles and flapping window shutters. What more could you ask for? Definitely less…that's for sure. Is she she high or just just delulu? Who let Gizmo out of their cage? Put them on house arrest cause this week we all have Kuru and our tits are out for Harambe.  

Cuts, Clubs, and Cum, oh my!  Have you ever seen a man barefoot in the club? If so, call 1-800 TAKE-IT-OUT-BACK.org. This week we've got cum seeping out our pores as we read Promises and Pomegranates by Sav R Miller. Open up our wounds and slurp our juices ‘cause David Guetta's writing a sick beat that'll have everyone Barefoot in the Club™. As the great Hilary Duff once said...”To the beat of my heart. It tears me apart. We're back to the start.”

Prepped, Primed, and Primped, oh my!  HE'S A MURDERER! But he's kind of cute… HE'S A MURDERER! But he got 12 hands. The one and only Lora Leigh is back back back again and she didn't come to play fair…. no no no she came to Play Dirty. Wands at the ready cause this hook dick is magic. It's Wingardium letmefuckyourASS, not Wingardium letmefuckYOURass. Look at us baby girl cause we be flyin' in the air tonight. Aviation style!  

Keep Sweet, Pray, and Obey, oh my!  Hold onto your Daddies cause Kayla Daniels is coming for them in the Mormon tale, The Daddy Trap. PBS kids said…for the love of a child, families are forever. At last, darn it! Squat me! Murdered sisters, paternity tests, and Jesus for the win! Wags and wagettes unite as Nana does unspeakable things. Dentures out and squat me off my feet cause this book is about to wag-yu up. 

Running, Ripping, and Relentless Tonguing, oh my!  He's a green viking and she's Billie Eilish. This week K.L. Wyatt's Stolen by the Orc Commander will have you pulling into the insemination station. Pacino could never. Coked out fingers and morse code fucking is the vibe and Gangrene is the password. Step aside Game of Thrones cause a new green mean fucking machine is here and ready to spear. Chase me down a corridor and call me Jawhn-dys cause his sperm is taking and we're scared.

Rylan, Wolf, and Malachai, oh my!  It's giving vampire diaries meets beauty and the beast meets little red riding hood meets Rylan meets Twilight meets The Last Airbender meets Perma-smirking meets Court of the Vampire Queen by Katee Robert meets ohhhh she'sssss the hisserrrrrrr! Bring back queen Katee and let them eat poop dicks. He wipes. Don't worry.  P.S.: Mono is hot.

Beds, Knobs, and Broomsticks, oh my!  Knock my knocker and call me Susan. We're off our hinges this week as we read Unhinged by Vera Valentine. Whoever sent us this suggestion…who hurt you? Freud says it's your mother but let's be honest, you've defs thought about fuckin' your door. Skinny doors and skinny penises unite ‘cause as one door closes another opens into your vaginal cavity. Knock me up with your knockers cause this door has some serious wood. 

Feral, Flaming, and Flourishing, oh my! Here's the deal. You suggest a book. We're gonna read it…and forget who suggested it. This week on Mikayla's Therapy Session Elle Kennedy is comin in hot with The Deal. Raise your voice and blow my whistle cause this soapy dick has one more brain cell left and Dharma's gonna cry about it while swinging that bat dick. Murder on the dance floor. Kick rocks Meth Boy. xo

Orchard-ers, Shaved Foreheads, and Maiden veils, oh my!  It took us 30 minutes to come up with a title for this episode so you better freaking enjoy it. Please welcome back the infamous Lynsay Sands with her book Hunting for a Highlander. Great Scot! We got apples, blankets, and papers galore. Objects or children? Ask Gwenyth. Hymen? I barely know her. This is not our best work. Just listen to the episode. 

Dogs, Drugs, and the DEA, oh my!  It's season 4 smutzzzzz! Get ready for a wild season of shenanigans and Mikayla's sex life in unbearable detail. Starting off strong with Tee O'Fallon's Tough Justice. We judged a book by its cover and ended up in smut jail. Hot and heavy who? Wild animal who? K-9, more like 69. Strap on your dildo holster cause this season is gonna be a rough f*ck in your anal channel. 

Birds, Eggnog, and 12-inch Tongues, oh my!  On the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me…Railed by the Krampus by Dalia Davies. Just kidding, he actually gave me a lot of birds for some reason. Join us on our candy cane adventure through the land of eggnog cocks, bleeding bears, and swimming swans and rabbits jumping and men cumming and partridges pearing and your parents getting divorced and grandma getting hit by a reindeer and having to sell your soul to to a man named Klaus that shares a penis with a demon for a lump of coal. O holy thy night.

Peencers, Lipsticks, and Cervixisez, oh my!  Let us spin you a tale on this hallows of all eves. What has 6 legs, 4 arms, peencers, and a bootyhole working overtime? Kayden. In a shocking tale of high cervixes and lighthouses with lights, learn what it means to be hog-tied in a space jungle continuum. Ensnared by Tiffany Roberts will have you screaming “GET YOUR PENIS OUT OF MY CERVIX”...or something along those lines. Happy Smut-o-ween! 

Baby, Child, and Offspring, oh my!  YOUR ASS IS GRASS YA BASTARD! Welcome to the finale of Season 3! If you've made it this far... What's wrong with you? But also…we are THE BEST podcast ever soooo. You're welcome. Erin and Dominic are back in this tale as old as time. Is their child still dead? Will there be more cuckolding? Is Mikayla still illiterate? Yes. 

Because I, Because you, Because we, oh my!  Shut up inner dialogue! This title may be misleading but…we don't care. Deal with it. Have you ever been a misogynist and dreamt of ordering a woman online? Well…this episode is for you ‘cause women are meant to be mothers, ‘cause cows are meant to be cows, and ‘cause men are meant to be cowboys that ride off into the sunset shirtless while naming their child Bug. Save a book. Ride a cowboy.  Oh yeah, the book is called Unbridled Cowboy by Maisey Yates.

Papa, Pa, and Pops, oh my! It's the last DP episode of Season 2 and guess what smuts…your unanimous decision unanimated our pussies. Good job Jamie! We are two very proud mistresses. When we say YES, you say DADDY. YES! DADDY! YES! DADDY!

Wings, Claws, and Tats, oh my!  Watch your cholesterol! This man-se-ses is about to brine all up in here. King Henry is literally alive for 800 years and stalking a reincarnated witch in Stalked by the Boogie Man by Siggy Shade. Will you be pickled or blasted in a sea of cum? Bonus points if you can guess how his penis is “sparkles different”. And by bonus points we mean high cholesterol. Allie-------noooooo!

Ogres, Coaches, and Shame Wizards, oh my!  With a book cover like that…we were NOT prepared. We opened Pandora's box and our vaginas are not okay. Praise and thanks to our lord and savior, Tessa Bailey. She is really doing the lord's work this week as we read Happenstance. Obsession, Confession, Possession, Aggression, Depression, Suspension. I don't know…we no longer have any blood in our brains. You always know the book is good when Mikayla shuts the fuck up. Welcome to our most silent episode yet.   

In the name of the cowboy, the daddy, and the holy priest, oh my! Can I walk you out? Will you accept this rose? Can I steal you for a second? Is she here for the right reasons or is he just a cowboy who can write letters. Guess who? It's Chris Harrison and he had the audacity to write a “book”. Take a moment…say your goodbyes as we read The Perfect Letter by Chris Harrison. Will this sex scene steal your time or give you a shot of finding real reality tv love? Jaaakkkkkeeeeeee! Only the date card will tell. Fantasy Suites could never. 

Fish Food, Shark Men, and Stolen Identities, oh my!  Da Da…Da Da…Da Da Da Da DA DA DA DA DA!!! Shark Week came early this year, folks! Chum at the ready as we read Does It Hurt by H.D. Carlton. Will this book have you breaching the surface or capsizing and sinking? Those choices mean nothing but you should be used to this by now. Water Bound who? What is it called when a man releases on your back while using you as bait? Read the title of the episode again. ‘Tis the season. 

How, Dare, You, oh my!  Ever wondered what it would be like to be with a man that folds your clothes? Well get ready cause he's defs gonna be sniffing your neck and braiding your hair. As Avril Lavigne once said, “She was meek and he was flaccid.” Welcome to 50 Shades of FUCKED UP! Edward would never! It took us three seasons to get here but we finally whipped out the infamous novel by E. L. James, 50 Shades of Grey, and we will never be the same. Chain me to a post and say SILENCE cause this shit is… repulsive. You're wearing jeans. Hmm…why?

Croissants, Eclairs, and Cannolis, oh my!  No whisk, no weward this week as we wead Her Pastry Shifters by Mia Harlan. Will her stiff peaks get your rolling pins rolling or will this be a salmonella food fight to the death. Ever wanted to be fucked by a pastry? Yes? Well, that's fucked. Prepare for your jelly doughnut handjob cause this is an erection you can't argue with. 

Kidnapping, Lesbians, and Escorts, oh my!  We Googled “sexiest lesbian erotica” and The Night Off by Meghan O'Brien came up so that's what we're reading. Get ready for the most engorged, plump, erect, slick and sliding, nasty horny slut sex that you've ever had the pleasure of bucking your probing puckered juices on. We are going to pump and stroke you with our penetrative wiggling thrusts of dirty dripping whoreness. Unicorn.  

Dead, dripping, and …disingenuous, oh my!  Ha Ha Heinous. The shit hit the vent this week as we read Going Public by Hudson Lin. Get ready to be mansplained gay sex by a woman. A-N-A-L S-E-X-uh. Pungent sex and wrinkly holes here we come.  This episode is brought to you by Essence of C0ck N.2. A new NYMBC fragrance. Available in stores nowhere. 

Never The Same, Totally Unique, and Completely Not Ever Been Done Before, oh my! -Lady Gaga Get ready to get a heart boner cause this week we're reading Delta of Venus by the infamous Anaïs Nin. Shit ‘bout to get classy up in here smutz! Get your cock-tails and phallic shaped cigars ready cause this episode is steeped in (whisper) literature realness. Cue cinematic piano montage music.  (Gin martinis with an orange twist required for this episode).

Senators, Centaurs, and Slime, oh my!  Tentacles are feet. Welcome to another episode of Not Your Mother's Book Club where this week we are reading The Kraken's Sacrifice by Katee Robert. Like his mucusy tentacles, you'll be as slick as a slippery lil snakey snake. Didn't have a tentacle kink before this? You do now.

Secretaries, Ex-Boyfriend's Daddies, and Job Hunting, oh my!  This week we are finding the limit and playing within it. Yayy! It's praise kinks! Now get on your knees as we read Praise by Sara Cate. Daddy likes it when you do as you're told. Join our Patreon and give us money. That's our good lil smut.

Bowing, Mewling, and Arching, oh my!  The Gods have arrived and they are ready to fight for your vaginas…but only after global warming. Do you taste sounds, command shadows, and have a burning sensation in your fingers? Well sounds like you have…hemorrhoids. Please consult your doctor before sacrificing yourself in a universal war that makes no sense but leads to a sex scene so we're rolling with it. This is gibberish. This is nonsensical. This is… fantasy. You're welcome.   Oh yeah…and the book is Shadow and Ice by Gena Showalter (aka Christine Feehan's BFF).

Shotguns, Shower Heads, and Buttholes, oh my!  A dinosaur called Big Al walks into a bar. Knock Knock. It's his 7 foot d*ck. Protect your extremities. Welcome to another episode of Not Your Mother's Book Club where this week we read Wet Hot Allosaurus Summer by Lola Faust. Also Mikayla traumatizes Dharma with a horrifying tale. We will leave you with this: “Gentlemen, when history calls you to leave your mark, they didn't mean a Skidmark, so DO BETTER.” -Kincardine 

Serenity, Passion, and Surrender, oh my! Welcome back, smutz, to another season of chaos! Mikayla's celibate and Dharma has a Southern drawl. What's new? When the clock strikes midnight…you know what happens. Sex. No shoes left behind as we read Cinderfella by Linda Jones. Were they slip-on? Did they fit? Is he gay? Tune in to find out. 

Funnies, Out-takes, and Rants, oh my! New year. Same chaos.

Magic, Mistletoe, and Moaning, oh my! You must have all been extra naughty this year to deserve what you're about to hear. Finishing off 2022 strong with our longest, most unhinged, and chaotic bonus episode of all time. Buckle your belts and secure your Santa hats because Old Saint Nick is filling you with his holiday cheer and peppermint stuffing. You'll be ho ho ho-ing and oh no no-ing while we read Santa Claus is Going to Town On Me by M.L. Eliza.

Pebbles, Boulders, and Stones, oh my!  Happy Halloween you ghouls! It's monster season so we're bringing you Titan: A Gargoyle Daddy Dom Romance by Jillian Graves. Will this monster have you doing the mash or time warping away? Bonus question…what does a gargoyle's semen look like? Wanna know? Hit play if you dare.  

Winter, Buffets, and Livestock, oh my!  We ‘tis thee farewell. Leaving you with Jasmine Haynes' Past Midnight. Will this throwback be just as good as we remember or have we been forever scarred by sexy priests, hot uncles and blue barbarians…oh my. We know you are gonna cry lots because you'll miss us but never fear…your mistresses are always here. Like Santa…we know when you are sleeping. We know when you're awake. We know if you've been bad or good. So go have an orgasm, for goodness sake. Bye Smutz! Till next time.  

Actions, Speak, Louder, oh my! This week we are listening to the lesbians. Join us as we read Delilah Green Doesn't Care by Ashley Herring Blake. There's a reason women are better at everything and we are going to demonstrate why. It took us a while but we finally got the ladies on board…and once you go lesbian…you never go back. Book your one way ticket to Vagina Town here!  

Men Written by Women, oh my! It's our first regency novel of the season and Tessa Dare came to impress with A Week to be Wicked. Are we getting romanced by the rake or raked by the romance? Me thinks thy orgasm shant hypothesize no longer. Confused? Oh don't be…Lord Colin's got you.

Kegs of Lube, Penis Straws, and Espresso Shots, oh my!  This book claims “hilarious and erotic surprises”...we claim…BANKRUPTCY! Call the police 'cause someone broke the TV and the unicorn is upset. What could possibly go better with a pump of lube than a wet blanket. Fasten your double-sided dildos 'cause this book is gonna fuck you up. Oh yeah…the book is called Night Shift: A Choose-Your-Own Erotic Fantasy. By Joanna Angel.

**Our generous Distinguished Patrons have deemed you all worthy and selected this EXCLUSIVE EPISODE to release for your pleasure. Enjoy!** Space, Planets, and Jail, oh my! THE PRISONER IS ESCAPING….into my…vagina. Welcome to another exclusive episode, distinguished patrons. This week DP Jamie lost again which means we will be reading, In Fugitive Arms by Christine Michels. Was DP Jamie right or will we all have out of this world orgasms? Listen to find out. 

Your two favourite smutty ladies are taking a break for the next two months due to exciting things in our personal lives! Be sure to check back in in September when we will continue Season 2! If you miss us, check out our Patreon here, or follow us on TikTok (@notyourmothersbookclub). Love ya!

Beavers, Mounties, and Denim, oh my! Hope you're all wearing your Canadian Tuxedo this week as we read Full Mountie by Ainsley Booth and Sadie Haller. It's Canada Day and we're here to make sure your beavers are extra frisky. Hope your True North is strong, free, and sexy cause we are ready to Mountie your ass, eh.  

Demons, Magicians, and a Girl, oh my!  This is the most vanilla sex scene we have ever read. There are no demons, forked tongues, or clawed hands of any sort so brace yourselves as we read Her Soul to Take by Harley Laroux. They may be f*cking on sacred ground but there is nothing holy about this. Are you ready to sell your soul? CONTENT WARNING: minor blood play and primal play.

Wizards, Dinos, and Mammoth Shafts, oh my!  It's Pride Month Smutz and you know we've got something TINGLY in store for yall. Magic clits at the ready as we read Trans Wizard Harriet Porber and the Bad Boy Parasaurolophus by, you guessed it, Chuck Tingle. Hope you like bad boy wizards with tattoos, a bowl cut, talons, and scales.  

Biting, Bleeding, and Boning, oh my!  Haunting Adeline by H.D. Carlton has officially left us both speechless.   CONTENT WARNING: consensual non-consent, gun-play, violence, murder, sex-trafficking, stalking.

Magic, Flying, and Typos, oh my! She's a little bit boring and his name is Justin. Welcome to another episode Smutz! It's Mother's Day and we are here to give you the orgasm you've been waiting for. Scrap that…you'll need a spa day after reading One Little Secret by Maureen Child. Another white brunette with money problems!? Prepare to be thoroughly underwhelmed. 

Uncles, Cousins, and Estranged Nieces, oh no!  Join the confusion smutz! They say love is a battlefield but they never mentioned uncle porn. Well, it's definitely an internal war zone this week as we read Credence by Penelope Douglas. Will this book have you developing a new taboo kink or calling child services…we don't know either.  CONTENT WARNING: taboo, incest, and suicide 

Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit, OH MY!  The heavens have opened on this most glorious of days. Welcome to our special orgasmic Easter Sunday Episode! Today's sermon is brought to you by Sierra Simone's Priest. Gather up your flock and prepare the eggs ‘cause the holy fertilization is upon us. Amen.    CONTENT WARNING: suicide and child SA.

Corn-Toes, Bunions, and Hooves, oh my!  APRIL FOOLS! Mikayla's pregnant and riding a unicorn. No, we will not be taking questions at this time. Instead, we will be reading you a short story from Chuck Tingles' erotic collection, Buttception. Yup…you read that right. “A butt within a butt within a butt” (Tingles). He means serious business…no funny stuff…only anal. 

Faeries, Curses, and Spell Check, oh my! It's St. Patty's Day Smutz! Make sure to grab your clovers cause you'll need some extra luck this week when we read Getting Lucky with the Leprechaun by Jessie Sherwood. This book is sure to have you…sorry babes…this one is sooo bad. We can't even come up with anything witty to say so…good luck. May the Irish be with you. 

Mirrors, Cracks, and Thumbs, oh my!  What do billionaires and vampires have in common? Book deals. Your smuts are back at it this week with Bared to You by Sylvia Day. Will these rich people live to rich another day or will their mediocre issues consume us all? We love a rhetorical question.