The Remarried Life

Brian Mayer is excited to talk to Blended Family Coach Brittany Simo.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Brittany Simo is a Blended Family Coach. Her expertise is relationships in blended families. Divorce and remarriage have been a part of her whole life, as well as generations before her. She is currently a stepmom to two kids. She is close friends with their biological mother-she is even a bridesmaid in Brittany's upcoming wedding! She says that while friendship is not the goal of blended families, the status and health of the relationships in blended families make all the difference. From experience and studies, she offers authentic assistance to those who are struggling in the blended family chaos they call life. Brittany shares many helpful tips and mindset shifts when it comes to how we deal with the ex-spouse and the other biological parent especially when you are the new parent entering into this new blended family. These relationships often develop under very stressful situations and there can often be very hard feelings even anger. Often anger arises when one or both parties feel that they will not have some kind of say in the kids lives.  Brittany teaches us to remember that the step parent is not there to replace a bio parent but to be a very valuable supplement to help raise and take care of the children. Brittany's mentions that not every step parent develops a solid friendship with the other parent, but she did. She talks about what she did and the mindset around making that shift.  Brittany is active on Facebook and Instagram. She also offers coaching services as well to help you in your blended family journey. Her information is in the Resources section below.  Resources: Website: brittanysimo.com Instagram: blendedwithbritt Facebook:  Coach Brittany Email: coachbrittanysimo@gmail.com   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. You might be wondering how this would have anything to do with how I communicate with my spouse, but as you will see by the time we end today there is a strong connection.  I saved this episode for the last in our series because I do believe that it is the cornerstone for all the rest. You may have read in the bible that Jesus is considered the cornerstone.  The definition of a cornerstone is a “stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.” As such Jesus is the cornerstone that brings together the other 9 episodes on communication with this one. There may be some of you that listen to this podcast who are not Christian or that take offense to Christianity. I often think a lot of this has to do with the human beings that have mistreated you or maybe twisted things.  It could even come from the belief that Christianity is not inclusive.  I am not here today to argue any of these points, but rather to share some helpful scripture that may help in how you communicate with your spouse. As you may or may not know Jesus was known for speaking the “truth in love.” He had a way of speaking about what was right, just, and moral, but he did it in a way that was caring and loving.  I love what 1 Peter 3:15 says about this. It says “… in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.  So if we have an issue with someone in our life, we should bring that issue to them by speaking the truth about whether it is building up or tearing down. But again we must do it in a way that is gentle.    Other than the anger that Jesus showed when people were turning a place of worship into a place of money exchange where things were bought and sold, he was always very gentle and kind to those who were considered “less than” in his society. So what some ways to cultivate your relationship with Jesus and also what are the benefits? Lets discuss that now:  Quiet Prayer: Getting alone in a room such as a closet or maybe even going out in nature can help increase hearing what many call the quiet still voice of the Lord.  Above all in prayer focus on thanking the Lord for all he has done and to desire simply to increase the relationship.  Make it less about a list of what you “want.”  Scripture Reading About Communication: There are many passages about communication that can be very helpful to meditate on and memorize to recall when you need them.  Here are a few:  James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 3:3-5 - When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  Proverbs 18:13 - Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. Gathering With Others Who Have Strong Marriages and uphold Christ at the Center of the Marriage – Learning from others in this position who have strong relationships but are willing to also share when they mess up can be so incredibly powerful, encouraging and helpful. Find and Attend a good Bible believing Church. If you find a church like this you will quite often be exposed to sermons about healthy ways to communicate with and treat your spouse.  Do this for several years and the good will continue to accumulate.  Teach others About What Has Worked for You and Your Spouse. There is nothing like cementing what you have learned about good communication from your prayer time, reading the Bible, attending church, and learning from others that will help when you share with others.  This will often come back to strengthen your relationship and communication.  We really hope you have enjoyed this entire series on communication. Please go back through episodes 182  through this one which is 191 and you will get all sorts of great information and perspectives on how to make your communication with your spouse and your family even healthier.    Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about self reflection. Self reflection is the idea of thinking about ourself more than our partner and to understand how our actions and reactions affect our partner.  Self reflection is a lost art because we often thing about the people and world around us as affecting how we respond. However, it can be argued that we learned how we react long ago to things going on outside ourselves.  For example when our partner keeps repeating themselves over and over again, usually our first thought is how irritating they are being. We might say back I have heard you say this over and over again to me and I am tired of hearing it.  But what if we flipped it and said either to our partner or to ourselves, I wonder what I might be doing that might that could be increasing my partner repeating themselves. It could be that you don't acknowledge genuinely what your partner says. Or maybe you don't take at least some responsibility for your part in the interaction or thing your partner is upset about.  So again very easy to focus on what others are doing that are causing us issues, but more difficult to shine a light on ourselves. Now of course as with anything the pendulum can swing too far the other way where we constantly let others off the hook for their actions but if we can work to have the balance of our thoughts stay centered on how we are thinking feeling and acting in a situation the better our relationships generally can be. So how can we focus on this thing called self-reflection? Let's talk about some ways:  Ask yourself where you learned to respond in a particular way to an issue or event. For example where did you learn that being a harsh disciplinarian was better than encouraging a child to voice their feelings about something they did wrong? Ask how your action/reaction is affecting your partners action/reaction. We often think in reverse about how our partners action causes us to respond.  When your partner asks if you can do something differently, if you are able to simply and genuinely say that you will consider it an issue that needs to be worked on. Again we typically do not respond in this manner.  We usually get defensive and explain this will not change until the other person changes.  Take a personality test like Myers Briggs or the Enneagram. The goal of taking these is to of course understand what you are doing, but more importantly to understand why we do what we do.  Often the things we learn about ourselves can be a positive or healthy but when out of balance can be very unhealthy.  Speak to a good therapist who is trained in helping with self reflection.   Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In a romantic relationship, the longer we are together the more we may begin what feels like a wrestling for power. It may happen in big situations like how to handle parenting or deal with an ex-spouse. It could happen with even small things like where best to put the sugar in the pantry.  Obviously as we gain more comfort with our partner in a relationship it is bound that these things will happen. Both people in the relationship believe that power distribution should be equal in most every situation and if one or both people believe it is not, then it can certainly cause tension and disagreements. Power struggles obviously make it very difficult to reach a compromise or agreements. Often the inability to compromise may come from childhood or past relationships. If you or your partner never saw good conflict management growing up then of course it is going to be difficult to know how to resolve issues.  Maybe in a past relationship you felt completely controlled. And as such you refuse to allow that feeling to happen again.  So you stand up for everything you disagree with.  Often we don't back down from something because we believe something bad will result or maybe we have a fear. Often though many times these beliefs are irrational. Or sometimes we thinking backing down shows that we aren't strong or can't stand up for ourselves. Again as with everything we are talking about there can be a lot at play in pushing us in one direction or another. So lets talk some suggestions for solutions: Talk About Your Histories. Talk about your childhood and past relationship when it came time to share power and decision making.  The more you know and understand about your partner, the better.  Talk About Your Fears. Does giving in mean that you think something negative will happen?  Express these to each other.  Be honest with yourself about the likelihood that this will happen if you give in.  One Manager, One Employee. If there is a power struggle in a situation, decide if you can be okay that one person manages and makes decisions and the other helps carry them out.  Each Give a Little. Is there something small that you each can give in on to make something happen.  Try it Your Way This Time and Mine Next. Agree to try it one of your ways this time and reassess and then if it is not working, try something else or try it your partner's way.  Don't gloat if your partner's way does not work!  Agree to Disagree Without Resentment. This one is often not the best approach because something it doesn't get to a solution and sometimes it is hard to do without resentment.  Talk about How it Went. After something happens, have a discussion about how it went by working to keep emotional regulation low.  Often in relationships I will hear both people might believe their partner does not yield power. One though may be loud and aggressive and the other quiet and immovable.  Both people can see the other as not yielding but in reality both are not.  Keep working at what famous couples researcher John Gottman calls “Accepting Influence” to help build trust, remove resentment, and create a greater connection. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about triggers. And before you think it is a discussion about parts of a pistol let me assure you that is not a topic we dive into on this podcast.  We are talking about emotional triggers. Emotions can often times get unleashed if something in the present moment happens to us that our brain thinks is similar to something that has happened in our past.  Most of we can really get triggered when we have experienced past traumas. What do we mean when we say traumas?  These can be things like physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse.  They can be things like sudden and unexpectedly death of a loved one. A trauma can come from other types of violence or accidents as well. Traumas can also be the opposite of this as well. A trauma can occur if we have been abandoned or neglected.  A emotional trauma can happen if a romantic partner has an affair.    Another thing about traumas is that especially those that center around violence or abuse can happen whether we experience it ourselves or witness someone else experiencing it. Unfortunately all of these things can fire up our emotions often when they are not necessary. For example, say we have been cheated on in our past. Well if our spouse comes home late 15 minutes without letting you know could stir up feelings of being abandoned.  Often we might unleash our unhappiness on someone who has done nothing wrong.  Now of course can we say with 100% certainty that something happening in the present is nothing like what happened in the past? Of course not.  But there is a higher likelihood that things that have happened in our past may be coloring our belief in what is happening in the present.  Emotional triggers can obviously cause problems in our present relationship if we are not careful. So what do we do about them?  Here are some things to remember when dealing with emotional triggers: Take each situation in life as separate. Realize that factors surrounding every situation are never identical.  Question your initial thoughts. Say to yourself is there another possible reason for why this is happening?   Tell your partner about your past traumas. Sometimes just getting it out to the person you love can help.  Putting things into the light makes it more difficult than when issues stay in the dark.  Seek counseling if the traumas from the past are deep. Sometimes it may take awhile to work on these issues by processing them with a professional.  Is there a fear that is driving the issue? And once you identify there may be a fear, then ask what is the likelihood that what I fear will happen?  Ask what is the worst thing that could happen if I left this go? Will you die?  Will you be homeless?  Will you have nothing to eat?  Will you be alone?  The answer most likely to these very drastic questions will usually be “No.”  Unfortunately our brains usually take us to these places when we get triggered.  These are just a few ways that you can work to reduce the impact that your past has had and that will make for less turmoil and tension for you and your partner. Unltimately this can of course help your communication flow more easily and gently. Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about defense mechanisms. When we feel vulnerable and or attacked in some way, we will begin to close off in some way.  Most of the time the way in which we close off involves employing some kind of defense mechanism. Now before you think this is all bad, in some ways you could argue that defense mechanisms protect us when we feel like it is not safe to show our true selves. However, when they are employed too often especially in a romantic relationship it means that something is wrong. It may often be something about individually, the person we are with or a combination of the system we find ourselves in.  Let's talk about some very common defense mechanisms that can inhibit our connection with the one we love: Projection: This is putting your feelings onto another person as if they were the other person's.  So for example, I might say you are just so angry when again maybe it is really me that is angry. Dissociation: This one involves checking out mentally and emotionally because the situations feels too intense.  This one often comes as a result of trauma or abuse that has been suffered at some point in the person's life.  Regression: This one is all about reverting to an earlier stage of life because something has just become too hard.  For example reverting to playing video games that one played as a child in order to avoid something difficult in the moment.  Acting Out: This one is like an anger outburst that instead of rather calmly stating the person is angry they may instead punch a hole in the wall as a release. Denial: This one comes about often when emotional pain like shame or guilt comes about.  Often experiencing these emotions are so painful and it often works best to deny the issue.  Displacement: Taking out your frustrations on someone else because they feel safer to do so.  For example lashing out at the boss may not be safe for fear of being fired, so you take it out on your spouse or the kids.    There are many other defense mechanisms and in the moment they probably do give a sense of relief. However in the long term, it just means we may be delaying experiencing and moving through these emotions.  And then as a result they may come on more intensely and cause even great issues down the road. So what to do about these then? I will give you two suggestions to keep it simple.  One is to work to express your feelings. Now a caveat here.  Often we say we are simply expressing our feelings when we say something like “I feel upset when you act like a jerk.”  Typically this will not receive a favorable response because we have followed up a feeling with a criticism.  Sometimes but not always, if we can express our feelings as a reaction to something concrete and factual such as “I feel upset when you raise your voice” it can often be heard.  Allow someone to own their response, but possibly set a boundary if not. Maybe the response is not what you like and maybe a boundary need to be set.  So as in the example before, if the person will not change their behavior then you may need to say that when you raise your voice I will need to leave the conversation.    Lastly think about the defense mechanisms you may employ and work to see if there is anything you can do to change those for the better. Have frank conversations with your partner about which ones you employ and which ones they employ and work together to reduce or eliminate these. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the people we love the most.  I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our brains are curious to understand.  So when someone cuts us off in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive or uncaring or even selfish.  Or let's say with the pandemic we are currently working to come out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.  So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is going on. Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is selfish or uncaring.  What if in the mask example, the person has lost several members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe they are not healthy.  In that case we wouldn't say they are irrationally fearful.    Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or assumptions about what we think our partner is up to.  Now sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they are not.  Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is doing. An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am less than or not a good person.  Of course at the point she is not going to apologize but again not for reason I assumed.  Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the assumption making? Lets go over some now.      We say this one all the time.  But slow your thinking.  Just ask the person you are making the assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever they did or said.  From there try your best to take it at face value.  Realize there could be another alternative. Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray available rather than something that is simply black or white.  Watch Projection. Just because you would react or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone else would do the same.  This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything about ourselves.  As if some person's actions are a direct reflection on something they are doing to us.  This is often not the case.  Reflect on your past experiences. Is there anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a certain way about a situation.   Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your assumptions that often are incorrect. Don't forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10 part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently, Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.   Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about showing interest. Showing interest is a lot like empathy but I suppose without the focus on emotions.  Showing interest doesn't have to be a lengthy cumbersome project. For example if your partner comes home from work and says she got a promotion, and you turn with bright eyes and say “Wow, how awesome is that!” you literally just showed interest.  John Gottman, well known couples researcher says that showing interest is like what he refers to as “Turning Toward.” He says that relationships are built on small moments like this.  When opportunities for interest appear we can respond in one of 3 different ways (and maybe more).    Turn Toward means to show a little bit of interest as mentioned before. Turn Away means to basically ignore or have disinterest Turn Against means to actually get angry and shut down whatever was brought up. Gottman says that we don't have to be perfect when it comes to Turning Toward. We are all human and will sometimes be off in our game.  His research shows that couples that report general satisfaction will show some kind of interest 86% of the time.  So a high level is necessary but perfection is not necessary.  Some helpful hints when it comes to Showing Interest Be proactive by looking for ways to show interest Make sure to incorporate positive tone and body language to show your interest. Ask questions to show interest (be careful about interrogating). Open ended questions are best such “would you tell me more about that?” If you aren't interested in something your partner is saying, wait until you might find an angle that you can banter about. For example my wife will often talk about issues at her work.  Often I have trouble knowing what to say, but when the conversation turns to say leadership qualities that she wants to work, well then I have found what I can feel comfortable talking about.  What Do You Need from Me is a great question to ask that shows interest. Touching when appropriate especially with your partner can show interest, such as putting your hand on their shoulder, etc. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about empathy. Empathy is different than sympathy.  Sympathy is more like feeling pity on someone for their misfortune. Empathy is actually understanding and sharing in the feelings of another.  Sympathy can often feel disconnecting. It creates a gap between the one who is experiencing the issue and the one on the other side of it.  Empathy often feels more connecting. As if you are joining in the emotional sauna with the other person.  The definitions might seem slightly different but are often huge. When we saying something like, “I am sorry you are going through that” it is often coming from such a good place. And often that kind of statement is a soothing balm.  At least the person probably feels understood.  But being understood is only part of the equation when it comes to empathy.  Remember the definition of empathy is feeling understood….but also sharing in the emotions of another. So empathy might look something like, “so you are extremely sad that your grandmother passed away. She was very important to you and so no wonder there is such a great deal of sadness.  Losing someone important would make me sad too.”  So in this way it is not only understanding what the other person is going through but to really share in the emotion at the time.  All too often in relationship we can mess this up. What usually does not work:  Creating Distractions. Sometimes if we too quickly offer to go out and get an ice cream cone with the person suffering can feel invalidating. Getting Angry. This one seems self explanatory, but often the issue lies with the one getting angry in that maybe they are not able to be in touch very well with emotions.  Trying to Solve The Problem. By quickly offering a solution, you will send a message that the person's problems are really not a big deal.  Often the issue is not something that really can or needs to be solved.  Talking too much about yourself. By quickly turning the situation the other person is dealing with into something about yourself can often make things worse.    All this being said, what can you do to show empathy properly? Sometimes your presence is enough. Stopping what you are doing especially if you are in the middle of a project often can show empathy without saying words.   Verbalizing that you aren't sure what could help but again the you are there. Just reassuring the person you love that you don't have the solution to this but that you are there for them whatever they need.  Reflecting back what you are hearing. This is especially good in a moment of crisis.  It helps the other person feel heard and not so alone.  Remember a time when you felt the same emotion. You don't have to get into why you felt the emotion but that you should use the memory to connect with the other person's emotion that you are hearing.  Ask the person what they need from you? Again this is different than telling the person what you will do, but it shows that you are human and that you don't know what is needed but you will do whatever is needed to help. Empathy can be learned. If it is not something you grew up with up or are used to it can take some effort.  Additionally empathy can sometimes be difficult if you are confronted repeatedly with the same emotion over and over again. If this is the case, you may want to talk to your partner about speaking to a professional who can help especially if you are detecting more chronic issues like depression or anxiety for example.   Resources: None Mentioned. Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently.  So it would only be logical to talk about listening next.  Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice listening twice as much as we speak.  This is easier said than done because it is human nature to want to talk about ourselves for various reasons. True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast with.  We can often hear something, but we don't always listen. Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful attention.”  We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially active listening. This is much different than passive listening.  Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much else. Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.  I've also heard it said they active listening is focusing on the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and touching.  So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let's talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened to. Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These distractions could be physical things in the environment or they could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at work.  Repeat back what you heard. This is probably the best way to show the other person that you are really working to understand.  It can also help conversations slow down.  Be flexible as you repeat back. This might mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.”  This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you were receiving.  Often though we can be very rigid and say something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to easily explain.  It often instead invites the conversation to escalate.  Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not to pull the conversation back to yourself.  Get curious and keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for you.  I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on the podcast it seems.  But it really is important, because when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.  Work to point out something you agree with (even if small) especially if the conversation is about something upsetting to the speaker that you may have done. Don't try to solve the issue. Just continue to reflect back and offer support.  Of course if your partner is asking for a solution then by all means try to help.  But often this is not what your partner is looking for.  Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and understood and then if you got what they were saying. There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are actively listening. What ways work for you and your partner? Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about speaking, with an emphasis on speaking gently. Often when we get upset or what some refer to as emotionally flooding, the speed, tone, and volume of what we say can dramatically shift. These changes occur because an alarm goes off in our head and our brain tells us that we must somehow defend ourselves from a perceived attack and so we think if we shift away from a gentle conversation that our partner will listen and get it. Typically what happens in these moments is that our partner will indeed take notice of this shift in how you are speaking. But within seconds, we often get back the same shift from them or sometimes a shutdown.  When we raise our voice and get short and direct, it sometimes feels good to get concerns “off out chest.” But again longterm, often what we are doing is feeling relief by removing the stress from us, but it now shifts to our partner.  Our partner then needs to figure out a way to offload this again either by throwing it back or swallowing it.  Ever heard the expression, “you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.” The same can be true with how we speak to others.  Typically we can get more favorable responses when we gently speak to them about what we need.  In our brain, we have a part called the Amygdala. This area is responsible for detecting danger.  When danger is detected, our brain sends signals to either go into fight, flight or freeze.  When we respond completely emotionally to this alarm system, we then often set off our partner's alarm system.  I don't know about you but I would rather not set off my spouse's brain alarm system would you? Of course we are human and can't be good with this all the time, but what if we could be better?  Here are some suggestions to speak more gently: If you are feeling upset, work to understand where in your body you are detecting this. It is overworn to say this, but deep breaths can work to calm the areas in your body that you are feeling the upset. Work to keep a more even tone when you talk. When you have significant shifts in volume, tone, and speed you are increasing the likelihood of setting your alarm and your partner's alarm.  Look at your partner in the eyes when you speak. Even holding hands can keep the conversation calm. When you speak do not go on and on. Allow your partner time to process and to respond.  Reflect back what you hear by restating in your own words what you heard your partner say. Record a disagreement and then play it back later. Pay attention to how you sound.  Work to make any changes that might help you to be heard and understood better.   If talking is difficult maybe emailing or texting might work better. Remember though you will not hear tone or see body language which can sometimes be a good a thing and sometimes not.  Lastly remember you are talking to another human being who has feelings just like you do. Maybe those feelings are not the same but they are feelings just the same.  Attend a couples workshop to learn to work on speaking more gently with one another.       Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!

Brian Mayer talks with Matis Miller about how best to work with children who can sometimes be stubborn, difficult, or even “uncontrollable.”  Matis is the founder, director, and supervisor of The Center for Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy of New Jersey, Matis Miller is a licensed clinical social worker. We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Here is much of what Matis talks about on the show: Labeling or Diagnosing the Child: Having a diagnosis can make it easier to modify school assignments or adapt your parenting strategies. Additionally, when people have a diagnosis for themselves or their child, it can be very validating; their experiences and challenges suddenly make sense. I thought I was going crazy, but it turns out that this is something that actually has a name! ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a fairly well-known disorder that is primarily characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior. The symptoms are present before the age of twelve; in some children, they are noticeable from an early age. ADHD can be mild, moderate, or severe. Symptoms of ADHD include: Trouble focusing on tasks and paying attention to detail Difficulty following through and completing tasks Difficulty organizing activities or keeping track of belongings Distractibility or forgetfulness Constant motion or difficulty staying still Excessive talking and interrupting Difficulty waiting one's turn While most healthy children are impulsive and active, the more extreme characteristics of ADHD significantly impact a child's functioning. Parenting an uncontrollable child can be exhausting, frustrating, chaotic, embarrassing, painful, and frightening. (It's pretty tough on the kid, too!) It can also come along with a heaping dose of guilt: What did I do wrong that my child turned out like this? Even the most experienced, knowledgeable, patient, loving parents can find themselves with an uncontrollable child: a child who is emotionally sensitive, easily dysregulated, overly moody, or highly irritable. Emotion dysregulation is often misunderstood, especially by outsiders: He just needs firm discipline! All she needs is some love! Why can't you get your kid to pull himself together? You must be coddling her; you shouldn't stand for this behavior. There's often nothing that the parents could have done to prevent the uncontrollability—most of these children are hard wired to be extra-sensitive, impulsive, or otherwise “uncontrollable.” The good news is that there's plenty you can do now to get your life (and your child's life) under control. As a parent, you have the power to influence your children's lives and enable them to achieve the healthiest state possible. Childhood is the time to accept your child, build him/her up, protect him/her, defend him/her, and love him/her unconditionally, while simultaneously setting healthy limits, encouraging independence, and teaching him/her personal responsibility. It's the time to teach him how to deal with emotional struggles on his own, and also the time to teach him/her how to reach out for help. The “parent training” component of treatment for children with emotion dysregulation is an essential element. Time after time, I've seen that it's far more effective to encourage parents to change than to encourage children to change. That's because adults generally have a broader worldview than their naturally self-centered children; they're also typically more motivated, more willing to cooperate, and more capable of self-driven change than children are. Resources: The Uncontrollable Child by Matis Miller Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about some quick things you and your family can do to save time.  The biggest difficulty that blended families face is feeling that there is not enough time left over in our days and weeks to breathe and even connect with each other.  In today's episode it is all about doing some practical things to create more time and space.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies If you want more time to relax or to even just quietly connect with your partner and the kids then this episode is for you. I am going to give you my top 10 hacks to create that time and space. By the way if you don't know, a “hack” is a term probably coined over the last few years.  According to Wikipedia in short it means something like “a trick or shortcut to increase productivity.”  So let's not waste any more of your time. Here they are:   Ask yourself these two questions with everything that you face: “Is it important?” and “Can I do anything about it?”  By asking these questions, you may be able to either eliminate some things or reduce the amount of energy spent on them.  Do much of your food prep for the week in one block of time, say two hours on a Sunday for example. You would be surprised that you will probably gain that time and more back. If you exercise, wake up earlier and do it then. This is a had one to do, but once you get in the habit you might find it becomes easier. 10 minute pick-up. This involves everyone in the family doing a quick pick up of the clutter around the house and placing back in the proper area.  This is something you might do every evening or maybe once every few days.  If you enjoy watching television, record your favorite programs or watch them on demand later. You can often fast forward through commercials saving time.  Brainstorm with your partner ways to save time getting the kids to all the appropriate activities. Of course during our time in COVID this may not make sense.  Take advantage of the new grocery pick-up that many stores offer. This could save you at least an hour every week.  Use something called the Pomodoro Technique. The crux of this idea is to set a timer for 25 minutes to complete each task we must do.  We often will complete tasks in however much time we are given.  You know what I am talking about.  At work if the boss gives us two weeks then by golly we will take that long….stopping and starting etc.  If the boss gives us one day, we will move through it without as many stops and starts.  Ask for help. This one is tough for those of us who don't like to delegate.  Reduce your shower/bath to a few times a week. Unless of course you sweat and get grimy, science says a few times a week should suffice.  Of course the armpits and groin area can tend to get smelly so those may be need to be focused on daily.  I hope some of these quick hacks have helped you to think about getting some time back. Speaking of getting some time back, I am going to take 4-6 weeks off from producing new episodes to focus on some other things around The Remarried Life like the email newsletter and continued development of the relationship building workshop. Brian's Lasting Connection Workshop I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day. The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar. The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship. The current workshops are held on Friday's from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates: March 19, 2021 April 16, 2021 May 21, 2021 For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support. Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop Click on one of the dates that works best. Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100 The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off. Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.     Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about taking time to work on your relationship with the help of a marriage workshop.  Whether your relationship is incredibly strong, needs help in a few areas, or even needs a complete overhaul, then spending one full day working together can reap extreme rewards.  Today we will discuss the power of devoting time in a workshop with a trained facilitator that can have positive benefits.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Relationships especially the ones between us the person we love most in the world can be some of the most wonderful and the most difficult. There are of course lots of reasons for this. Probably the biggest reason is how intertwined our lives are from the emotional connection, the physical connection, parenting, finances, leisure time activities and on and on.  Another reason it can be the most wonderful is the amount of time you spend together. Even though we might spend a lot of time at work, most likely are still spending more time with our spouse even if some of it is while asleep.  The number of decisions you must try to make while being collaborative can also be an extremely positive thing but when it is not working can also be the most frustrating. There are all sorts of things you can do to help your relationship get to a better place or to even strengthen beyond where it may already be. You could read a good relationship book together. How about a workbook with items to fill out and exercises to complete together.   You can take a relationship quiz. The 5 Love Language quiz is one that comes to mind.  This was an idea developed by Gary Chapman in which his theory that we have one or two ways in which we liked to be loved above others.  You can join a small group of other couples especially in church like settings. You could take a vacation together just the two of you to relax and work on being present with each other since the kids and other distractions are not there. You can attend couples counseling together. Usually couples counseling involves 1 hour sessions once or twice a week.  Depending on the level of severity of the issue, some couples will devote a couple of months to the process.  Some may take longer, a year or more especially if there has been a significant betrayal of trust like infidelity.  So all sorts of great things you can do to strengthen your relationship. But might I propose in something that I believe in more strongly that the suggestions listed above for most couples?  It is a Marriage or Relationship Building Workshop which can benefit those that are married or unmarried. Workshops can run for a few hours, one full day, and in some cases for 2-3 days. Group workshops are held for several couples at once. Some groups offer smaller more intimate settings with like 10 or few couples.  Some group workshops are held for hundreds of couples.  Pros of a Group Workshop: The biggest pro is that the more couples present the more you may be able to learn from others and also more opportunities to share with other couples.  Obviously this depends on how many couples are present and also how much time is devoted for discussion and/or having periods to gather with a few couples at a time. The potential negative of a group forum is less time interacting with the facilitator. Also, while most workshops do not pressure couples to speak or publicly disclose, it may still feel less private than working one on one with a facilitator.  Private couples workshops are held for one couple at a time. In this case there is usually just the facilitator and the one couple working together for the entirety of the workshop.  The positive and negative can often be the opposite of the group workshop. The potential positive is again getting more time with the facilitator where you can ask questions and get more feedback when engaging in exercises with your partner. It can also feel more private and you can feel more at ease to dive into something deeper especially during the exercises. The negative might be not having other couples facing similar issues that you can have some time during exercises and or breaks to talk to. With a private group this is not possible.            Live Online or In Person? This is another thing to think about when selecting a workshop. Many are offered live and online while many others are offered online.  Of course in the time while we are all still dealing with the social distancing and masks etc, online workshops might be more appealing. Also depending on your hectic schedules finding something online could also work better. Format of workshops: All workshops may be run a bit differently, but usually there are 3-4 very common processes that take place. First, there is a time for education where the facilitator may take some time to discuss something like emotional connection, communication, conflict, intimacy, or goals just to name a few. Couples exercises where the couple gets to experience in real time some activities or discussions about the learnings they just had on a particular topic. Group Discussion often will follow the exercises (or discussion with the facilitator if a private workshop) so that the couples can learn and share with each other Assessments (or surveys) are often given to the couples on various topics around relationships. This helps the couples better understand each other and the dynamics that may be present between them.  In my opinion relationship building workshops are in the sweet spot of things you can do and try to increase your relationship satisfaction. Reading books or completing workbooks on your own sometimes takes discipline to maintain consistency. On the other end things like couples counseling over a period of months or a week's vacation can involve a lot of time and great expense. A relationship building workshop puts the discipline of consistency at least during the workshop on the facilitator's shoulders. You simply show up and follow the prompting of the facilitator.  Also the time involved to take a relationship building workshop is much shorter and involves taking less time away from family or work. There is currently research underway that is suggesting that an intensive workshop may have equal or better benefit and just as long last results as months of couples counseling. Brian's Lasting Connection Workshop I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day. The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar. The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship. The current workshops are held on Friday's from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates: March 19, 2021 April 16, 2021 May 21, 2021 For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support. Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop Click on one of the dates that works best. Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100 The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off. Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.     Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop The 5 Love Languages 5 Love Languages Quiz The Love Dare The Respect Dare Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about parental alienation after divorce.  Parental alienation happens when one or both parents either knowingly or unknowingly talk ill about each other to the children.  This can cause children to begin to carry a unnecessary burden of negative feelings toward a parent.  We will talk about this issue and what to do about it today.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When a divorce happens, negative feelings by one or both ex-spouses is very common. It can actually be somewhat more rare that a divorce ends amicable and on good terms.  If it ends on good terms, where you both remain good friends then of course more positive feelings toward each other will be present. Those positive feelings will most likely flow over into discussions about each other to the kids.  But what happens if your marriage ended on a rather bad note. And what if you really don't have a friendship with your former partner?  Sometimes but not always depending on the level of upset and anger toward each other, can lend itself to this idea of parental alienation What is parental alienation? This term was apparently coined back in 1985 by child psychologist Richard Gardner.  He actually called in Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  Gardner focused on the behaviors in the children who has been exposed to something like as the signal that this is happening for the child. Those behaviors include: Denigration: The child repeatedly complains about one parent over and over again. Frivolous Rationalization: This involves the child giving a weak reason for not wanting to see the targeted parent again.  Lack of Ambivalence: Ambivalence actually means we are torn mental and emotional about something.  We can see good and bad.  In parental alienation, the child no longer see both sides but rather all negative.  Independent Thinker: This happens when the child seems to suggest that everything they think about their parent has come from within and that none came from the other parent.  Automatic/Reflexive Support: The child always chooses the side of one parent over another no matter what the topic.  Absence of Guilt: The child will say and do very disrespectful things and have no remorse or feelings of guilt. Borrowed Scenarios: This involves the child giving the exact same story that a preferred parent gives and will often even use the same words.  Spread of Animosity: This involves the child expanding the anger toward other family and friends of the targeted parent.  This sounds like a lot to deal with and of course if you are witnessing any of the signs in your children then it may mean that something like parental alienation is happening. So what do you do about this? It may take awhile to unravel but it can be done.  Here are some suggestions to decrease parental alienation. If you are the parent responsible for the parental alienation: Awareness of the burden you are placing on your child is the first step. Taking responsibility for what you are doing and talking it out with your child (obviously age appropriate) is very important. Working to instill more neutral or positive comments about the other parent will be important. If you are the parent on the receiving end of the alienation: First take stock in what you are doing and saying to understand if you still may have some responsibility. Obviously make changes.  If you truly believe it is a case of alienation, then talking to the other parent is important. Simply explain that for the mental and emotional health of the child that it is important not to pressure the child to take sides.  If you are unable to talk to the parent or the parent is unwilling to take responsibility, have a discussion with your child. Again age appropriateness is important here.  If the child is older and willing, the child can discuss with the other parent that hearing negative is not helpful.  What if you are a step parent and your spouse is the target of parental alienation: Support for your spouse but just being there for him/her through this is most important. Of course you can also play a key role in making a positive environment for your stepchildren can help. Constantly communicating the good that the children are doing is also important. Kids when they become adults will often complain that the one or both parents would never point out the positive in others or themselves.  This is certainly a tough topic and not an easy one to navigate. So be patient as this one may take some time to unwind from.  Resources: None Mentioned  Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about keeping it simple in your remarriage and blended family.  Utilizing 4 Mantras from Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh can help you be happier in the present moments with those you love the most.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Often we like to meet complexity with complexity in our blended family. Often with so many things going on and swirling we often try to hard to do too much.  But what if we think about the issues in a different way and work to meet complexity with simplicity instead. We often don't think about doing something like this because we are so emotionally and mentally charged that we let our mind and body run together at an extremely fast clip because we feel like we need to keep up.  Thich Nhat Hanh is rather well known Buddhist Monk who was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey a few years back. In the interview he talked about 4 Mantras that when practiced with the ones you love can bring about happiness to us individually and also to us as a couple and to the family unit.  Let's Talk about his 4 Mantras: Darling, I Am Here For You Darling, I Know That You are There, and That Makes Me So Happy Beloved One, I know you are suffering. That is Why I am Here For You Beloved One, I am Suffering. I Am Trying My Best to Practice.  Please Help Me.  While these are words to be spoken, what is most important through all of these is simply your presence. You are not preoccupied with other things, but are truly and genuinely mentally, emotionally, and physically present with your partner.  All too often we want to solve our partner's problems. It is much too soon for that.  All our partner usually wants to know is are we there and do we care?  Sometimes we get frustrated at the same complaint over and over again. This takes practice to be what is called long suffering through what you or your partner are going through.  Again simply be there and acknowledge that you see the issue and the pain and hurt that are present. If you do these things, most likely you will see your relationships with your partner and family bloom like a flower in the words of Hanh   Resources: Thich Nhat Hanh 4 Mantras Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer and his wife Heather discuss how the chaotic and complicated blended family life doesn't always have to be that way.  With just some simple small changes you can take your blended family life from what we like to call the “hot mess express” to “organization station.”  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you feel like blended family life is always bringing new and surprising things everyday. Well of course sometimes these changes can bring positivity and good feelings but often the quick changes can bring upset and negativity into the blended family.  Of course there will be things like sickness that come up and if you have a blended family with lots of children you may experience this much more than you would like. Or an extracurricular activity brings seasons where more is expected and you have to take more time away.  Or maybe an ex-spouse that needs to go away on business and is now asking you to take on more time with the kids over the next few weeks. As a result you are left scrambling to try to make things work.  But there is plenty in life that we do have some control over and that is really what we want to talk about today. Let's talk about how to take your family from the “Hot Mess Express” to “Organization Station.” And as we talk about these things, we are going to be talking about more than just the physical space in which you live.  This can also be where you better organize your lives emotionally and physically.  But before we jump into some of our tips around getting more organized, Heather tell us where in the world did these phrases come from? Heather describes that they come from her experience as school teacher of elementary age students. She works with them to get move them from cluttered and chaotic to more orderly and systematic processes for how they work.  So with that what are some tips to help blended families with getting more organized.   Shared calendar 10 minute clean up Couch time Date night Family Spring cleaning – Keep Donate Sell 5 Min Agenda Discussion Morning Communicate About Expenses Your Ideas   These are just some very simple things you can implement to help keep your life feeling more organized. Don't worry about trying to implement all of these.  Just take one or two and try them.  And also as we mentioned maybe there is something you have been thinking about doing that you would like to do that is not on the list.  Most of all just keep trying. If something does not work, keep trying it for awhile or pivot to something else that might work better.       Resources: None Mentioned.  Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks with relationship coach Emily Hill about forgiveness.  This is a topic that is a difficult one for lots of us to grasp and understand.  So happy to her back on the podcast as she talked about relationships and mental health on Episode 161 so feel free to check that one out as well.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In your opinion what is Forgiveness? What is Forgiveness not?  For example does forgiveness mean you trust again?   Can/Should someone forgive before they are ready?  Or is it a process?   Why do some people have a more difficult time forgiving?   Talk about Your Experience Working with helping people forgive after divorce or breakup?   Is forgiving oneself just as important?   What else would you like the audience to know about forgiveness? Talk about your Facebook group and anything else you might like the listener to know about you.   Resources: Emily Hill's Facebook Page   Desperate for Peace Facebook Group Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how being in a blended family with everything that you responsible for can make you feel trapped.  This is a very common feeling and a common reality.  We will talk today about how to plan to do what you really want to do with the rest of your life.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you are in a rut?  If you are listening to this episode close to the time of publishing you surely might be feeling an extra dose of this because of the constraints we are under due to this pandemic.  But on the bright side, what better time it might be than now to assess where you have been, where you are now and where you want to go with your future. If you would we will go on a journey to talk a bit through my life so that you might see how I got to where I am now which includes being a podcast host, running my own couples therapy practice, and heading up a volunteer marriage mentoring ministry. If you just met me you might think this journey has been easy but as for all of us it is never easy and we often don't see the heartache and pain that goes into getting us where we hope to be one day. As I talk about my journey, I want you after this episode to also think about your past, present and hopeful future as a guide to help you in your journey. So again how did I get to where I am now, as a podcaster with several thousand downloads every month that helps those that are remarried and in blended families, a successful couples therapist who owns his own practice, and who heads up a marriage mentoring ministry with his wife? Lets go way back to start. I was born in 1971 as the first and only child. A couple of years later my parents divorced.  So I was probably around 2 years old.  I don't really have any memories of my parents being together.  So that being said, my entire childhood that I can remember was spent in split households, with blended family experiences starting in both households sometime maybe a few years after that. My mother met a man who did not have children and they later would have a daughter together who of course would be my “half-sister.” My mother would later divorce a second time.  She met her third husband when I was probably around 17 years of age.  Unfortunately she suffered a massive aneurism about a year into their marriage and she passed away 2 years later.  They did not have any children together.  Her third husband took custody of my “half-sister” from her second marriage. Are you following this?    On the other side, my father met my stepmother. She had a son who was about 6 years younger than I was.  He would of course become my stepbrother.  They then had a son together who is about 9 years younger than I am who is of course my half brother.  So are you starting to see where the seeds of this podcast came from and my other present work? Now of course at that I would have never thought that this would be what I was doing.  Mainly because I had other thoughts like wanting to be an astronaut when I was a child.  And of course there was no such thing as podcasting.    Fast forward to my adult life. I met my first wife when I was 17 years old.  So really not my adult life yet.  This was honestly as I used to look back a period of deep regret.  I met her the summer before going away to college at Purdue University a few hours away from my home in Cincinnati.  I was a kid of who had fallen head over heels for someone and I could not concentrate on my studies.  So I returned home much to the chagrin and upset of my mother.  My first wife had a child when we met who would become my stepson. We were both 22 when we got married.  The marriage lasted 5 years.  During that time however, my daughter was born probably 3 years into the marriage.  After the marriage ended, for the next 6 years I dated but I suppose would be considered single. If you have listened to this podcast for any length of time you know that I went through a rather terrible depression for probably 3-4 of those years.  The depression became so bad that I decided a move to another state might be best. I had primary custody of my daughter and we moved from Ohio to Florida.  It took even a few years after that for the depression to lift.  I would say time and the sunshine of Florida probably didn't hurt!  So let me ask again as we all look back on what I describe can you see where my life might be headed? Now of course in my work with couples we talk a lot about childhood and for some running away from the types of issues is one way to move forward and running into them is another.  Probably for awhile I chose to run away but something changed that helped propel me to run into the direction of helping others.  The thing that happened that slowly started to change things involved meeting my current wife. She did not have any children and because of a cancer she went through when we first met we ultimately did not have any children together.  So all that being said my daughter grew up in my home as only child but yet she was in a blended family.  As a side note, my ex-wife got remarried. She and her husband had another child together.  So my daughter spent time in that home which was probably the more real blended family type experience.  Okay so back to what started changing for me. So as our marriage progressed it was incredibly strong and connected with one exception.  And that involved beliefs on how to raise and discipline my daughter.  However, after several years we figured out better ways and compromises that helped.  After those difficulties and obstacles were successfully dealt with, our marriage took off to an even better place. As a result we approached the church we attended in Florida to start some kind of marriage help. It never really got off the ground but set that stage for what was to come.  Again are you seeing where this is headed?  As we talk just remember to think about your own life journey for clues to where you should head.  And it doesn't have to be in the direction of the fire.  Maybe it is in the opposite direction?  Either way is okay!  So fast forward a bit and the insurance company I worked for at the time transferred us to Virginia which is where we are now and have been for the past 12 years. A marriage mentoring ministry was created and my wife and I were asked to be a part of it. I enjoyed it so much that we decided that I should change careers from insurance to counseling.  This was a long and difficult financial journey.  It was one I thought about quitting several times.  How about you?   Have you had something tough you have thought about quitting?  Simultaneously everything came together. The pivotal years were 2017 and 2018.  During those years, I created this “The Remarried Life Podcast,” started my own private practice to help couples, and then my wife and I were named leaders of the marriage mentoring program because the prior leaders moved to another city.  So I want you to look across your life for clues about where you might want to go and what you want to do. I still have even more dreams and for the sake of time on this broadcast today will not get into.  But I hope you are just as excited about your future as I am mine.  Take care and thanks for listening.       Resources: Take care and thanks for listening.     Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer discusses how learn more about you and your partners personality using the Enneagram Assessment tool.  Learning more about how you and your partner are wired can only serve to help you both navigate how to deal with each other better.  We will learn more about this tool on today's show.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In all couples relationships, there are certain events we might both handle in similar ways and certain other issues we might handle completely different. There are many reasons for this. This can include how we were raised by our caregivers growing up.  It can also result from different experiences we have had in relationships.  Or it can sometimes simply come from how we are wired from birth.  In order words personality is often a nature versus nurture debate. Mostly likely though both play a part but of course it can be difficult to determine which might be playing a role at which time.  Today we aren't going to debate but more just a discussion of personality, similarities and differences. With that we will be look at a rather neat online assessment tool called the Enneagram that both you and your partner can take separately and then have a discussion about your dominant personality type and what it might mean for your relationship.  The Enneagram takes a look at 9 different personality types and they give a number to each one so that they are easier to remember. Here are the 9 and this comes right from the Enneagram Institute (see links in the Resources section below):  Reformer (Type 1) is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic. Helper (Type 2) is generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive. Achiever (Type 3) is adaptable, excelling, driven, and image-conscious. Individualist (Type 4) is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental. Investigator (Type 5) is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated. Loyalist (Type 6) is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious. Enthusiast (Type 7) is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered. Challenger (Type Eight) is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational. Peacemaker (Type Nine) is receptive, reassuring, complacent, and resigned.   The Enneagram goes into much more detail also than just identifying your dominant type. It talks about “wings” meaning the two types that surround your main type as being at times when you might dip into some adjacent areas.  On the Enneagram you will see the 9 types drawn around a circle and you can then better see and understand the adjacent types.  The Enneagram is divided into 3 centers. The Instinctive Center, the Feeling Center, and the Thinking Center. The Enneagram also has 3 basic underlying and often unconscious emotions that can often be present in the personality types and they are as follows: Anger: Types 8,9, and 1. Shame: Types 2,3, and 4 Fear: Types 5,6, and 7 Obviously a lot of very helpful information to dive into to again better understand yourself and your partner. Now with all that being said, since this podcast is all about relationships and families we need to also discuss the interplay of two people and the different types of personalities. There are definitely assets and liability with every combination, so we shouldn't look at the Enneagram as some sort of compatibility test but more again just as a tool to better help us understand how we each may react and respond to various issues and events that come up. My wife and I scored in very similar ways on the test. My main score was a Loyalist (Type 6) followed by Peacemaker (Type 9).  My wife's scores had the same two at the top just flipped, so her top was the Peacemaker (Type 9) followed by the Loyalist (Type 6).  According to the Enneagram Relationship Type page it says that our relationship is one of the most stable and most common type relationships. We both want security (6) and predictability (6) and some autonomy (9). It also says that these personality types more so than the others look for another person that matches their belief system and one who will mirror these beliefs and reactions. So take a look at the couples match page on the Enneagram website (link in the resources section) after you both take the Enneagram to determine how your puzzle pieces fit. Now as with every kind of assessment it will often slot into a certain category and you might often feel like there are certain parts of the results or at least ways that the institute defines you that you may disagree with. For example in my own relationship the institute says that we each may have a rebellious or counterculture streak that allow them to “live on the fringes of society.” Now I can certainly think of times in which both my spouse and I have been rebellious but I don't think of either of us as living on the fringe of society.  So overall I would highly recommend that you both take the Enneagram to better understand yourself and each other. It is very inexpensive at the time of this recording for you each to take the assessment.  Once you get your results, I would love to see you post about it in our Facebook group. The link for the group is contained below in the “Thanks for Listening” section.    Resources: Enneagram Institute Enneagram Test Enneagram Couples Combinations Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part 3 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we the attempts we make at emotionally connecting with each other. In most couples relationships, there is a dynamic present called Pursuer Withdrawer. The Pursuer is usually the one in the relationship that brings up issues and complaints more often.  The Withdrawer is the one that usually defends, deflects, or shuts down amid these complaints.  As you can imagine a very negative cycle of feelings can generate as a result of this dynamic thus reducing this positivity we are trying to work hard to generate in your relationship and your blended family. So what do we do here. Well lets start with you Pursuers out there.  For Pursuers you should cherish when your Withdrawing partner does make an attempt to do something that you have been asking for. It is certainly easy to focus on the times your partner doesn't come through for you, but appreciation when something is done positively can have a, well positive effect.  For Withdrawers, you simply need to make more attempts and do a little more of what your Pursuer partner is asking for. Now of course if it is presented in the form of a criticism then of course that can be difficult to overcome.  A quick discussion about delivering something in a different way can help.     If you both can do those simple things when it comes to attempts it can certainly help with the positive feelings. Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part 2 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on accepting more influence from our partner. John Gottman a very well known couples and relationship researcher, discovered that the more influence each person allowed the other to exert in the relationship the happier that relationship usually is. So what does it mean to allow your partner to have some influence. Maybe on a Saturday if nothing is planned and your partner has some ideas about what to do, accepting influence means starting with a more positive response and attempting to go more often with what your partner wants. So if your spouse says they really want to go antique shopping and want you to go along, accepting influence would mean that you would do your best to make this happen. Gottman says that relationships in which men allow women to exert more influence, are generally happier than those that are the other way around. He says that women typically will allow influence of their male partners almost by nature.  But he says men typically are not wired this way.  So I would encourage both of you but maybe the men more often to allow partners to have influence when it comes to decision making both small and large.    Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part one of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on living out and making decisions through the lens of our core values. Often when our internal compass aligns with what happens on the outside whether again it be with our view on the most important things in life or how we make decisions, we can often feel more joy. So what are core values? Most would say they are fundamental beliefs or guiding principles.  Get in touch with your core values by doing a simple search on the internet for a list of common core values. Then take some time find 3-5 that really speak to you and that help you understand how you would like to live your life.  Next determine if your decision making is aligned with those values. If it is not then think about ways to start doing more of that.  Now of course you won't be able to 100% of the time make decisions that will align, but the more you can do it the better As a fun exercise between partners, I would encourage you each to find the core value that speaks most to each of you. Then role play a discussion on one of you maintaining your core value while the other has to give up their core value.  Then discuss how the conversation went. You can learn a lot about each other by doing something like that.  Again though getting in touch more with your core values and even your partners core values can help maintain more positivity. You might even want to get the kids involved in the core value discussion.  Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how as stepparents that we too can also do things that the stepchildren will remember for a lifetime.  These things can generate positive feelings in the future for your stepchildren.  Hard to do because it may seem like they don't like you now, but often that turns around in adulthood.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Often as a stepparent, I hear others say things like “I don't matter” or “I feel like an outsider” or “The kids don't listen to me.” No doubt these are real and valid feelings and sometimes actually going on in a family dynamic.  Being a stepparent is often like coming into a well established television show where one actor left for various reasons and another was brought in to actually play the same character. Most often are initial reactions are more negative.  We build an affinity for those we know and trust. But over time those feelings can fade somewhat as we begin to develop new thought and feelings toward our relationship with others.  A silly little example this involved the show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” which starred Will Smith. The show lasted for about 6 years.  Vivian Banks was played in the first 3 seasons by Janet Hubert and the last 3 by Daphne Maxwell Reid.  Of course when the switch came it upset many viewers me included, but as the change matured an affinity developed for Daphne as the new mom by many.  In the same way, a stepfamily can often develop in the same way. However, we would like to propose that we do a bit more to nudge us in that direction but with a major focus on your stepchild's future as an adult and the memories that are created as a child.  In my own experience there were a few childhood memories that really stand out that if I am honest probably were pushed more by my stepmother than my father. These really stand out as positive memories now.  The first memory is that Christmas ornaments were bought every year for each child and our names were etched on each. I still have these ornaments today and proudly hang them on the tree.  A second memory involves getting a T-shirt every year for my birthday with a number that represented my age. I remember receiving these around ages 6-13 or so.  I still remember the number 7 shirt, was green with a white number.  There is something about things that are done with repetition that can hold some significant deep meaning in our lives. Do something once and the memory often doesn't hold.  Do something more than once but randomly, often the memory will hold but the meaning and the deep emotional connection won't happen. Do something repeatedly with regularity aligned with a certain like say every Friday or every birthday or every morning and then the memory not only holds, but it can create a positive emotion which will cement the significance even further. So all that being said what are some ideas for some things you can do to help your stepchild look back fondly on a tradition and maybe even implement this same tradition in their lives as adults. Here are some suggestions: Every morning, spend 5 minutes asking your child about their day including what they are excited about and anything they are anxious about. Once a week do a game night or a fun food night. Try as best you can to make this a regular thing.  If once a week is too much, then maybe once every 2 weeks or once a month.  A small token like a Christmas ornament with a name inscribed or the T-shirt with age on it as was done in my childhood. Or really any other small material tangible item that a child might be able to have for awhile or even years.  Read to your child regularly and once they can read to you have them do it. Do something for someone in need. Say every Thanksgiving, prepare a meal for a family that might not have what you have.  Make sure to involve the kids in the planning and delivery of the meal.  What ideas do you have? What ideas do your stepkids have? Creating lasting positive memories is way that you can ensure that tough times now will be viewed through a different lens as the stepchildren get older. A lasting legacy can start with some small changes today in your stepfamily. What will you do? Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer discusses her needs and his needs in this two part series.  It is true that often women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected.  But what do those two things actually mean. We will talk about this today so that you can start giving more of what your spouse really needs in your relationship.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies It is often said that a woman's biggest need in a relationship is love and a man's biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.  The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won't love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won't show respect.  In today's episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need. This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that. Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”  Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved. So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.”  Alone means “that one one else is present.”  It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in?  Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries?  That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.  Let's talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!  Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical. Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love.  The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear.  It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner.  It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.  Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them.  But this can sometimes come across as controlling.  Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family.  All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.  Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting.  It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.  Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren't seen as perfect then we don't measure up.  But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.  We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add. Resources: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer discusses her needs and his needs in this two part series.  It is true that often women desire to be loved and men desire to be respected.  But what do those two things actually mean. We will talk about this today so that you can start giving more of what your spouse really needs in your relationship.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies It is often said that a woman's biggest need in a relationship is love and a man's biggest need in a relationship is respect. So for purposes of our two part series on this subject, we are going to go with the premises that this true.  The funny thing is though that it sometimes is hard to give one when we are not receiving the other. So if a man does not feel respect he probably won't love and if a woman does not feel loved she probably won't show respect.  In today's episode, we will be spending time with the females and talking about this love need. This love and respect need is detailed in a book called Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs if you want to read more on that. Apparently the backbone of the books premise was created by asking the following question to both men and women. “What would you choose, to be left alone and unloved or feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone?”  Most women said they would rather feel inadequate and disrespected than to be left alone and unloved. So as you know I always like to return to the dictionary to understand what is love. Love is “an intense feeling of deep affection.”  Alone means “that one one else is present.”  It is hard to know from where this deep sense that love is more important to a woman. Is it something that is hard wired in?  Is it something that has developed over time through the centuries?  That is certainly a hard question to answer but most likely the answer probably is both.  Let's talk about some of the ways women feel loved the most in a relationship. So men may need to listen up here!  Showing Love through words, touch, or actions. This is different for different women and so identifying which one is critical. Feeling safe. This is another very important way in which a women may feel love.  The safety not only means safe from criminals or people that might hurt her, but safe to be vulnerable and open without fear.  It can also mean feeling safe in a loyal monogamous relationship whether there is no other romantic partner.  It can also mean safe from alcohol, drug abuse or domestic violence.  Feeling Like An Equal. This one can be tough for men because sometimes men want to make decisions and be responsible for them.  But this can sometimes come across as controlling.  Feeling Appreciated. She wants to be appreciated for the things she does for her husband and family.  All too often men can get complacent and feel like there does not have to be thanks given for everyday things that a women does.  Being There for Her. This can mean listening when she is venting.  It means sometimes dropping what you are doing to go do something with her that she finds important.  Being Vulnerable for Her. This one can also be difficult for men in that we can often want to play Superman because we feel like if we aren't seen as perfect then we don't measure up.  But generally the opposite is true in that imperfection, often endears us to our partner.  We hope that this gives some ideas on what would help a woman feel loved and I am sure for the women listening today there are probably items on the list you might disagree with or even others that you would want to add. Resources: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how hurt, hate and wounds can create division in a family and in a society.  We will talk about this and also some things we can do as individuals to help heal past relationships, current family situations, and maybe help society as a whole in the process. We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies With divorce and blending a new family, there often times comes a lot of hurt, pain and upset over situations progressing in a way that is counter to what we had hoped it could or can be. All sorts of emotions like sadness, fear, anger, shock just to name a few can often overwhelm us and cause us to make decisions and do things that often worsen the situation. As I have mentioned I dealt with a lot of fear over the unknown when going through my divorce and that translated to a lot of anger unfortunately. Often my words deepened the pain that we were all going through.  So wounds were obviously created by actions we both took but I will take responsibility to say that I know that I played a large role in probably widening the wounds. The good thing though about wounds is that they can heal. If we think about the body, immediately after surgery the mechanisms of the body will begin to heal itself.  Things like swelling we often think as bad, is actually a good thing because it is a sign that the body is working to heal what has just happened to it.  In the same way we can often do things like hide or close off to protect ourselves from the pain of emotional hurt. Just like swelling in the body, this is probably good for a time.  However, if it lingers for longer than necessary then it becomes an issue.  When pain and hurt linger for a long time (and what that time is we don't really know), it is time to start to deal with it to move forward. Obviously when pain and hurt involve two people it is so much the better that they come together to work on healing together. Unfortunately, in our society we are not seeing much of that right now.  Actions being taken in so many areas never seem to be taken responsibility for to mend fences.  We will talk about some simple things you can do today to help mend something between you and maybe your ex-spouse, your current spouse, or maybe a child that has caused an emotional separation.   How about simply say you are sorry for even a small part of the issue. This is tough for some people especially those that grew never having it modeled.  Or sometimes it is difficult because some people feel even worse about themselves when they say this and so they will avoid it.  Listen to the pain you may have caused. Have a LOVE conversation. I am not sure who coined this phrase, but each letter represents something important.  Listen with an Open Heart, Validate at least some of the other person's experience, and Empathize with how they are feeling. Work on any anger, resentment and bitterness that has developed within yourself. If you are a Christian, then pray for it to be released by God.  If you practice some other form of religion where you believe in something outside of yourself then certainly pray for it to be released.  Ask for Forgiveness. This simply means you are asking for the other person to stop holding the issue against you with negative thoughts of their own.  Now a caveat here, is you may hear back that you are not forgiven and if that happens this is now their burden to bear.    Healing does take time, but it is possible. But in order to do that we must stop doing what we have always done.      Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer discusses individual goals that you each may have and whether or not you feel supported in those goals.  Sometimes goals don't align very well but if we can be respectful of each other in the process of discussing these goals then all the more better.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Everyone has goals in life and even if you say you don't, you actually really do. If you say you want things to just remain as they are then that of course is actually a goal!  So what is a goal? Well the dictionary defines a goal as “the end toward which effort is directed.”  Sometimes we are consciously attempting to move toward something and sometimes we are directing effort with an end goal in mind.  I remember when I ran my one and only marathon a few years ago. The goal was to run the marathon in under 4 hours.  Most people said that really if it is your first marathon to simply focus on finishing and to not worry about the time.  Well according to the app tracker I had on my smart phone, I beat 4 hours by 30 seconds!  However, when the official time later came out it had me posted at 4 hours and 14 seconds.  I was so close! Even though I did not meet that goal, it was so much fun and kept me on track to continue to do the training runs so that I could meet that goal of being under 4 hours. Another goal I set during my first marriage was to be married for the rest of my life and to not get divorced. I remember silently speaking this wish over my daughter.  I grew up in a divorced home and so did not want this for my daughter.  However, when it came to achieving this goal as I look back both my ex-wife and I were probably not pushing effort in this direction. There were probably times where we paddling in a different direction and then other times where we certainly not paddling at all.  So that being said in that marriage, our goals were really not aligned properly. Looking back now that I have had 20+ years to think about it, I am actually at a place where I am happy that we got divorced.  But this was not so for probably 5 years after it happened.  Do you and you partner have goals that align? Here are some questions you can ask yourself and each other to determine just where you are with supporting each other's goals.    Do you know what you personal goals are? Does your partner even know what you personal goals are away from your relationship? Does your partner honor your personal goals? This doesn't necessarily mean they agree but is he/she open to hearing them and attempting to support as best they can.  Does your partner value your current accomplishments? This can be a key to knowing if future aspirations are?     If you were to look out ahead into your old age, would you be able to say that your paths in life were on a similar path? What about important beliefs be it money, spirituality, parenting, we time versus me time? Where do you align on these?  Are you currently coming toward each other on important issues, running parallel or even drifting further apart? After having asked and answered questions like this about yourself, where do you stand? Does the picture look pretty good or does it need some work?  Lets talk about some things you can do to help you better talk about goals.   Postpone your disagreement about a goal until you fully hear what is being said. Be curious and continue to draw out in your partner what is important and why it might be important?  If you must, before having this conversation, you might want to even verbalize that it is possible you might disagree, but you are holding off on that.  When hearing a goal, keep the mindset of being to open to helping see how this can be achieved. In other words come at this from a positive perspective to start.  Sometimes when we immediately shoot our partner's idea down, a slippery slope of less sharing and even sharing with others might start.  I once worked with a couple where the female said that she could not share everything with her husband and that is what other friends and a therapist was for.  Have a core values discussion? Determining what core values are important to each other like for example independence, freedom, security, stability or any of a number of other values might help each of you know what is important.  What things does your goal have in common with my goals? What things about your goal might go against a goal of mine? What would the impact on your relationship be if a goal were met? Would it be positive to one or both of us, would it be positive toward the relationship?  Obviously kind, caring, gentle, respectful communication is the key. Just remember that you aren't giving a green light to a goal by simply being curious and attempting to understand, but by delaying your response you are giving an opportunity for a relationship to grow.     Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about times have changed where the politics of the day have become much about how much hate and venom we can spew at one another.  The political mismatch and the passion that flows from it can also be present in our homes.  Are you and your spouse politically mismatched?  Let's talk about this today and some ways to handle keeping the powder keg from exploding.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Elections happen all the time and what better time can we talk about politics and the effect on your relationship with your spouse than now. Many couples are politically on the same side of the aisle, but many more than we often think are on opposite sides of many of the issues. Where do you and your spouse stand?  Same side on many issues, same side and some but not all issues, or on completely different sides.  Not sure where I heard this, but up to 40% of all couples are apparently politically mismatched. That is a lot!  Are you one of those couples?  Maybe you are a couple that completely agrees on most issues, maybe you disagree on some or maybe you disagree on most. If you disagree on most you are definitely not alone. If you do disagree on most, are you a couple that gets along through the disagreements or not?  If you don't get along through, you might wonder who that is possible. Well probably the most famous politically divided couple are James Carville and Mary Matalin.  But again how do they do it.  Carville once said that loving his wife is more important than politics.  Not sure exactly how that plays in their relationship but have to assume they keep the arguing in check.  So how does it work for the two of you? Do you get heated when it comes to politics?  Are you both so passionate that you just want to be heard but aren't?  What do you do about it?  We have some thoughts about that today. If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time you know that we focus on the process and not so much the outcome and today is no different.    Ask if Your Partner is open to hearing something you are passionate about first Speak to Share and not to Persuade Listen to Understand and Not Respond Watch Your Tone and Body Language Try as best you can to understand that there could be another way, but at the end of the day that does mean that you have to change your position Ask each other when these opinions developed. Was it childhood?  Was it because of a specific life event that shaped your belief? Be careful not to interrupt which is of course not modeled politically Also be careful not to shut down Don't go on and on and on, otherwise you could be inviting an interruption or a shutdown.   Ultimately it isn't about solving these disagreements, but more just being careful with how you approach and talk about these heated topics with your spouse.   Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes.  However, we can often find this doesn't really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated.  We will talk about this all too common issue in the life of divorced and blended families.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies No doubt we all want what's best for our kids. And we work to make that happen in our own homes.  Whether it be to set appropriate bedtimes, fix nutritious meals, keep set homework versus times to have fun and play, chores for the kids to do, and a lot of other things.   Your home might run like a well oiled machine and that's great. But like most maybe it runs pretty well but has its snags.  But ultimately, you believe you provide the best environment possible for your kids.    But what do you do when you truly believe your ex-spouse does not run their household in the healthiest manner possible for your kids.   No doubt for most of us, this issue has come up either with very small things or could be that you are just completely at odds over the entire way in which your spouse runs their home. So what do you do?    Let's talk today about some things to keep in mind when it comes to this difference of opinion on how the homes are managed.   Are you disagreeing because of any unresolved anger over the relationship?   Notice your triggers. Are the issues over something especially triggering for you?  For example, let's say growing up as a child you were overweight because of the types of food that were served in your home?  If you start to notice a similar pattern in your ex-spouse house, this could cause an inflated response.    Is anything illegal going on? Is there a situation where substance abuse or neglect because your ex-spouse is going out and leaving young children at home alone.    In our new COVID world is there a difference in how the kids see others.   Is it a few issues or a lot? Are we talking just a minor issue with bedtime or again is it everything that is at odds with how you might handle.    What Should You Do?   First dig within yourself to understand if there are truly issues or if your anger is getting the best of you. Have a gentle conversation with your ex-spouse. Point out these are differences and you wonder if the two of you might be able to come to consistency with the kids.  As you are having these conversations, ultimately explain to your spouse that realize you both run things differently and understand if compromise cannot happen. Could you actually change the way you do something? Maybe you are the more rigid or loose with rules and maybe you could switch?  Talk to the kids about the impact of the differences? Hopefully approaching it from the standpoint where everyone has a say can be helpful. Finally and actually this should be the first thing, but if something illegal is happening, then the police and the law should of course be brought in. Obviously a tough subject and there may not be a completely best or right answer, but hope that some of these things we have talked about can help you to navigate this sensitive topic. Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how mental health can affect you, your partner, and your family.  We dive a bit deep into the struggles that relationship coach Emily Hill had in this area.  Most importantly we will talk about how to cope and actually work through dark times.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Relationship Coach Emily Hill lives in Clarksville TN and has always had a huge interest in families and having a great marriage.  Her most recent project was publicly writing or videoing about her marriage for 150 days straight, which was definitely an eye-opener!  She says she is so grateful for her family, and that she loves the many things her husband does for her and her kids. She's realized that marriage is easier and easier, and a lot more fun, the more she learns to take personal responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, and actions. Today we will talk about the following topics: Emily tells us a bit about herself and background. Emily talks about her mental health struggles.   What issue did having PPD, Bipolar, PTSD, and ADHD cause for you individually, your partner, your kids?    What did you do individually to cope with these while having to keep up with marriage, kids, and everything else? What did you husband do that was particularly supportive?   What things did you do that did not work?   What things did you husband do that were not helpful? Advice for those listening that are struggling with mental health issues. Advice for partners of those struggling with mental health issues.   Where best can people reach you and/or is there something you want to people to know about? Resources: Emily Hill's Facebook Page Desperate for Peace Facebook Group Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn't produce the result we want in our blended family.  So let's take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week.  Let's call it an experiment.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When we are remarried and in blended families everything doesn't go right all the time and in fact sometimes it's the same things that don't go well over and over again that are the most troublesome.  But we get into a rut or we just remain unaware that our actions aren't producing anything different.  We all do this and yes of course I do this too.  For example maybe getting angry over and over again at the kids for not knowing how to do something happens all the time.  Or maybe in a fight or argument with your spouse, you tend to keep pushing because your spouse shuts down and won't talk.  Or how about you clam up around your spouse's family because they upset you.  Then when you are alone you get upset at your spouse for not sticking up for you.  These three situations I just described are situations that possibly keep occurring over and over again.  The results can tend to be the same.  Hurt feelings, disconnection and a further drift away from the family you want and hope for. So what do we do?  Well let's take a look at a couple of people who thought that doing different might work better.  Albert Einstein is often credited with coining the phrase, “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.” Remember the television show Seinfeld?  Remember the episode where George decided to do the opposite?  George could never seem to get the girl by inflating his situation to be better than it seemed.  For example, he would talk about how much money he made, what kind of wonderful job he had, or the beautiful apartment he had only to have women shrug him off.  However, when he was honest and told them he was jobless and living in his parent's basement, then women started to take notice.   A couples researcher named Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy did the opposite of what many of the people who came before or even her peers did.  She focused on emotional connection rather than behaviors that one must perform.  Most laughed at her, but now her theory to help couples has been proven in research to work the best.  These are really just a few examples of people that said things differently or acted differently to achieve some different results.  I would like for one week to take a look at everything we are doing in our remarriage and blended family.  Assess those things that you do over and over again that don't work too well.  And let's think about doing the opposite.  Now let's only take 3 things at the very most.  We can't change everything over night and if we tried we would all fail.  So I want you to concentrate on only a few things.  Step 1:  Get out a piece of paper and write down every area that you can think of that is not going how you would like it in your blended family.  Step 2:  Assess the urgent areas and the areas that you think you can change rather quickly and easily.  Step 3:  Work to hone the list down to 3 areas that you would like to focus on.  Step 4:  Think about the role you play or the actions you perform in this situation that might have an impact on what result happens.  Step 5:  Brainstorm some actions that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do.  Step 6:  Pick one of those different actions to try for the week.  Step 7:  Assess your progress in the middle of the week.  Are you noticing a difference in how you are feeling?  How your spouse or kids are feeling?  Are the results any different?    Step 8:  Keep doing the same action and don't give up just yet and maybe don't worry about tweaking.  Sometimes we try something for a brief period and think it doesn't work so we give up.  Don't do this!  Step 9:  Assess at the end of one week.  How is it now?  I would even resist the temptation to change at the end of one week and to keep doing it differently if you can.  Step 10:  At some point reveal to your spouse or kids that you were trying something different and ask them if they noticed?  Hopefully they did notice and if not don't give up to continue to do something different.  I hope this episode gives you some practical tips to help to change the air or dynamic in your remarried life for the better.   Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don't love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When you first meet someone that you are physically attracted to, conversation goes well, and you find many things in common, all sorts of feel good hormones start to activate.  Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins have long been studied and been found to be released that promote feelings of pleasure and happiness.  It also affects bodily processes like heart rate and digestion.  I am pretty sure this is what was going during the initial stages of my relationship with my wife when we kissed.  We were at the park and I kind of got lost in a kiss and forgot that we were around others.  My wife who was my girlfriend at the time, stopped us at some point and said you know we had better stop because there are kids around. Honestly just before that moment again I became so unaware of my surroundings.  It was as if those feel good hormones were racing around so much that it dulled any sense of anxiety or worry about what was going on around me.  Obviously as I sort of snapped back to reality, I realized what was going on around me and resisted.  This was certainly a time no doubt that you could say that I was deep in love with my wife.  Now it could be argued that this maybe was also a period of lust as well.  Because truth be told, those kisses and touches in the early stages are usually about feeling like we are first getting our wants met and then secondarily meeting the wants of our partner.  Now something certainly does change over time and we begin to not feel the feel good hormones racing around like we once did.  Why do these feel good hormones slow or even stop?  This is complicated and there are many reasons: Issues such as menopause.  There is some research that says that both men and women go through something like this.  Of course for women, it is well documented.  Pregnancy can cause fluctuations in hormones and change what feels good.  It is the body's way of sending resources to other places. Alcohol or substance use and abuse can certainly cause wide fluctuations.  Sometimes they can increase but most often settle back or often dim down completely.  This is of course why it can take more and more of the alcohol or substance to get to the desired effect. Age in general can cause the systems to change. Significantly distressing negative events in our life.  If we have had some negative events like a divorce, or loss of job, bankruptcy etc can rob us of a general happiness.  Things like Anxiety and Depression can again dim or happiness.  Sometimes those with depression often describe seeing the world through darkly tinted glasses that they cannot take off.  The love of our spouse has moved from that sort of lustful limerence into a deeper more committed type love.  This type of love helps us stay connected for the long haul, but often we confuse this with falling out of love.  So what if after talking through all of this, you still believe that you truly have fallen out of love with your spouse?  It is certainly possible because really does anyone truly and completely understand love and what it is? Just like the brain, just like microscopic creatures in the depths of the oceans, just like distant black holes in the outer reaches of the galaxy, no one really fully understands what love really is.  So all this being said here are some things I want you to do if you are unclear about whether falling out of love is truly happening or is it something else.  Go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues that could be affecting your mood.  Could it be some issue with your thyroid, could it be headaches causing you to feel unusually blue.  Is it depression or anxiety?  Talk to your spouse.  Many cringe at this idea for fear that once “I let the cat out of the bag”, will my spouse have a different view of me thus changing our relationship forever?  Most of the time this does not happen and it creates a greater intimacy but in the short term it can certainly be a bit bumpy.  On rare occasions, yes it may cause some more permanent upset.  Just weigh out where you in the process of understanding your feelings.  You and your partner should be patient and do not make any rash decisions.  Remember, it probably took awhile for you to feel this way and it will probably take awhile to sort out exactly what is going on.  If you or your spouse are in this place, please work to hopefully give each other lots of grace.  It's not easy being human and we will often in our lifetime have ebbs and flows to our feelings.         Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don't want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change.  Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do?  We will talk about this important subject for blended families today.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Are you unhappy in your marriage?  I am not sure what the reason for that is and there are certainly many.  It could be that you are tired of not being considered a priority.  Maybe on the other end you feel like you can never live up to what your spouse needs?  It is possibly the constant arguments that escalate over silly things?  The stepkids won't listen and you aren't on the same page parenting with your spouse.  It is clear to all of us that being in a blended family is not easy and the reasons for that are varied and complex.  However, when it comes to a tipping point and you start to think about leaving this is when it gets serious and we need to look at what are the reasons you have not left.  Whenever I ask one partner in a relationship what keeps them in the relationship, my hope is that I hear things like “in spite of the differences and chaos, I still love my spouse.”  Again that is what I hope to hear. All too often, the response I hear is “I am only staying for the kids.”  I both love and hate this reason and this response.  I love it because it means you aren't darting immediate out the door to great regret.  But ultimately I don't like this response, because in my opinion if this is truly the only reason then you need to seriously look at what is going on for you.  Let's talk about some of things to explore and think about if this is the place you find yourself in. Do you say you are only staying for the kids when you are angry or is it truly in times when you are calm?  If you say it in anger, then you must let that emotion subside in order to really think clearly about why it is you stay?  So in addition to looking at the reasons as to why you stay, let's look at the reasons for not leaving?  Is there fear?  I often hear of these fears: Fear of financial burden in being single with all these kids? Fear of how your current spouse will treat you? What would everyone else think about me?  Doesn't society say there are too many broken families and you need to do what you can to keep the family intact?  Doesn't the Bible only give a couple of reasons like infidelity, abuse, or abandonment as reasons for leaving your spouse?  Fear of feeling like another failure again because this has happened before.  Adding another divorce is going to make the kids situation of coming and going even more complicated. Maybe you have developed a solid loving relationship with the stepkids and you don't want to upset them.  Obviously so many reasons if we dig under the surface as to why you might be staying and these are all based on fear.  Fear of the unknown is certainly real, and you ultimately have to make the best decision for yourself.  But let's talk about the kids for a moment. Again if we circle back to staying for the kids sake.  We have to take a deep look and say okay is it better to have the kids be in a home with two parental figures that are unhappy with each other.  Yes, on the surface there is a sort of logistical stability.  But the other piece we need to look at is emotional stability.  Kids even young ones are probably smarter and see more than we give them credit for.  They tend to know when things are not right.  You don't want them in a therapist office dealing with some depression or anxiety because they were in a dysfunctional family system.  So what are some things you should do before you get to the decision of whether to stay or go?  First and foremost hopefully you can have an honest and calm discussion with your spouse about where you stand in the relationship. Talk about the things that are not working in your relationship.  Is there are possibility you each could pour in 3-6 months of work to improve them before making the decision on the future?  Do some inner work to understand if people pleasing is at the core of your inability to make a decision.  Again, what does God think, what does society think, what would my close circle of people think?  You must make the best decision for you.  Talk to people in your life on both sides of the issues.  Those that have made it work and those that have move on despite their fears to get a balanced look at what to do.  Look for a therapist that does something called Divorce Discernment counseling which is a very specialized short term counseling to help each of you come to a better decision about the right thing to do.  As always make sure when it comes time to talk to the kids, that you explain that the issues are not their fault and that the two of you love them very much and will make the best lives you can for them again if you decide to part.  This is not an easy decision for sure and ultimately you will have to wrestle with this yourself, but just now that kids are resilient and will make their best way forward if you remain a consistent loving and encouraging presence in their lives no matter what happens.  Tough time and tough subject.  Go get an ice cream of sweet coffee and please have a great rest of your day

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the possibilities of staying friends with your ex-spouse.  And we don't just mean friends, but can you actually be friends and stay in each other's lives as friends.  As with everything in the blended family universe this is not simple.  After all there are current spouse's feelings and what the kids may or may not thinking about this to consider.   We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies As we know, marriages often times end with lots of anger and sadness that may dissolve into bitterness and resentment until hopeful those fade into some more neutral or even something more positive.  For some people it never gets there and we all know of stories of people who are angered and bitter for years and even decades over a divorce.  However, there are some of us who from the start have an amicable divorce and much more friendly feelings toward each other after the divorce.  And for others it may start out as anger, but may eventually go into a more friendly feeling down the road. But what if it goes beyond just positive feelings into a friendship in which each of you actively desire to stay in each other's lives by doing things together.  As you can imagine while this can be such a great thing it is also fraught with complications as you might suspect.  Now what exactly is a friend?  Well the dictionary defines it as “a person whom one knows and with whom one had a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.” Now for me I take friends one step further in that it goes beyond feelings.  In that friends usually do things together.  So this means activities potentially away from or maybe even including your current family dynamic.  Now of course there is nothing inherently wrong with maintaining a friendship with an ex-spouse where you remain in each other's lives beyond simply discussing finances or exchanging the kids.  There are some things to consider and that is what we will discuss now:  Are you maintaining a friendship from a place of guilt?  Did you do something to cause the demise of the relationship and have trouble letting your partner completely hit bottom? Are you maintaining a friendship in hopes that maybe something will reignite between the two of you?  Do you have an ulterior motive like you want to stay friends, because you think there is a better chance of getting child support or buy-in about other decisions? If you and and your ex-spouse are not dating others, what might happen if you do start dating?  Would you end the friendship or discuss with your new partner to help in the decision? If you are dating someone else have you discussed the friendship you still have with your ex-spouse? If you are planning to remarry, have you discussed this and how it will work moving forward.  What does you future spouse think about this?  Let's say you are currently remarried and the anger subsides toward your spouse and you both talk about a possible friendship.  What does your current spouse think about this? Have you talked to the kids especially if they are older?  The younger they are as you know the harder it may be to completely understand and give feedback.  So it is possible younger children may be confused especially if you are still doing things together as a family unit.  This is not wrong for them to be exposed, but just something to think about. If everyone is on board with this friendship, what are the boundaries?  Can you both do things alone?  Do the current partners/and or kids need to be involved?     Really think about how a friendship that has already started will affect everyone involved.  As you can tell, a lot of this is about communication.  Communicate, communicate, communicate!  And slow down to really take everyone's feelings and thoughts on the matter into consideration.       Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!

Summary Brian Mayer talks about the myth of perception becoming reality.  We can often get stuck into believing the way we saw or experienced an event or an issue is the only way or the right way.  Not giving validity to our partner's experience can often cause issues.  Today we will talk about the Rashomon effect which is a term often used to describe how eyewitness accounts of an event can often be unreliable.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Have you ever gotten into an argument with your spouse over an event that happened, each stating your case only to be unheard because your partner had another story about what happened?    No doubt this is extremely common and happens in every relationship to some degree or another.  This can happen with very mild events for example over the way you saw another couple interacting with each other.   One of you might say you saw the couple arguing and the other might say you saw simple dialogue that lacked conflict.  Maybe you see at a dinner party, someone give a strange glance.  One of you might point out the odd glance, where your partner might say they were also watching and saw nothing.  These differences are going happen and are usually not the source of difficulty but it can become such when one or both of you become very rigid that yours in the only way to see something.  There is also something at play called The Rashomon effect.  This is described as the unreliability of eyewitness accounts to something that has been seen. It is often talked about in conjunction with people describing a crime that they witness especially when it comes to details about the perpetrator or the details of what happened.  Stories of one person describing the criminal as short, bearded and wearing a red jacket versus someone tall, clean shaven and wearing a black shirt with no jacket are very common.  Ever heard of the parable of “Blind Men and the Elephant”?  Each blind man touches a single part of the large elephant and the describes what they think the elephant is like.  One man who is touch the fuzzy end of the tail describes it as a mouse, the man touching the ear describes that elephant like a fan, the man touching a leg says the elephant is like a tree trunk, the man touching the tusk might say it is like a snake.  So then the question becomes, who is right?  Well in some ways they are all right and yet all wrong.  They are right in connecting their very limited touch of an elephant to something that makes complete sense, but in other aspects they are completely wrong because the small piece that they touched is not the totality of what an elephant is.  This dynamic is certainly at play in our most beloved relationship and that is the dating or married relationship.  The longer we are together the more often we are going to run into the scenarios.  So why do these differences occur?  Our past including what we went through as a child Our personality which is how we have been wired at birth The state of our current relationships which is more about just our present experiences or those things that are top of mind.  So what do we do with these differences?  Here are some suggestions: Maybe the most important thing is to DO NOTHING.  Let me explain.  What I mean here is to simply let these differences exist and not work so hard to have to change them.  There are some exceptions to this doing nothing which I will explain in a moment.  Be open minded to another way.  You don't know everything.  The only one who does is God.  Slow down and investigate the other side that you are being presented.  We often don't do a very good job in slowing down to hear what another side because we are too busy thinking about how we might respond to someone else.  Watch the harshness of tone or edge in your voice when talking about an issue.  It is often unseen but changes in your physiology can become like a magnet for drawing your partner into escalating by matching your intensity.  Now let's talk about some exceptions and things to do: Do you feel like you are being emotionally abused through things like pathological lying or narcissism?  If you are then you should not have to continue to simply accept the other person's point of view if they are saying you are crazy or out of your mind?  If this is the case, then you should really take stock of your relationship and decide on some boundaries such as “I won't accept that behavior any longer and if it continues it may mean our relationship will end.”  Obviously complicated and not easy.  I hope this has been helpful in understanding some different perspectives and how to be more accepting of those.     Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how in this emotionally charged time we live in, how we can best handle differences in beliefs and feelings on the COVID-19 pandemic that could affect our children.  This can be extremely difficult to work through especially if you both have rigid beliefs about the best way to handle these issues.  We will talk today about this issue and give some practical help in this area.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The current pandemic we are faced with has not been easy for any of us.  Most of us are very used to having a lot of control in our lives and this time has certainly shown us all that not having complete control is something that has become a new normal.  However, for us in blended families having to navigate the coparenting differences that we all face should in some ways have prepared us for this lack of control, because we have faced this before.  For example, differences in bedtimes, eating habits, or differences in structure regarding homework time, play time, and chore time are probably issues you have had to face with your ex-spouse.  While these areas have probably not been easy to handle, you may have some sense for how best to approach knowing your ex-spouse and their current feelings and also just their general personality.  Hopefully through the differences you have not had to resort to legal action due to a difference in opinion on what you believe is a rather significant issue.  It is certainly true that our culture appears to completely be mirroring what often goes on in families especially those that are blended and have to work together with ex-spouses.  Maybe you have lightly suggested problems in these areas to your ex-spouse, maybe you have demanded changes, or maybe you have avoided these issues altogether.  Now to be fair, this COVID-19 pandemic to most of us is extremely serious and often beliefs about life or death often come into play when it comes to thoughts about this virus.  So it is no wonder that there are extremely passionate opinions about how best to handle this issue on many sides of the issue.  Now all this being said, I prefer to take an approach that would not be unlike any other approach with any other issue that you and your ex-spouse face.  However, knowing that at the end of the day more might be needed depending on your stance.  Let's talk now about some things to consider when it comes to disagreements about the pandemic.  First, where are each of you at in general regarding the end of your previous relationship with each other?  Is there any anger, bitterness, or resentment present for either of you?  If it is in you then you might want to work to not make decisions with this fueling your choices.  If you believe this is present in your ex-spouse you might want to calmly point this out and ask to work to make logical choices.  Understand each of your personalities.  When you were together, was one of you more preferred to stay at home and the other preferred to get out?  Is one of you more introverted or extroverted?  These differences will most likely play a role in how you feel about being outside the home.  Assess those in either of your families who might be more prone to illness such as the elderly and those with immune compromised systems.  So for example maybe you are the person who is more free in your attitude about where you go and what you do with your kids.  But it is important to take into consideration that maybe an older ill parent lives with your ex-spouse.  In a case like this you might want to exercise more care in what you do and where you go.  Communicate with your ex-spouse.  Hopefully you are able to communicate with each other while keeping the hot running emotions in check to some degree.  Usually when this happens there is more likelihood of a compromise or desire to work together.  Be willing to humble yourself and admit when your attitudes and opinions can sometimes be extreme no matter which side of the virus and/or mask debate you are on.  Communicate that you really do want to create a win-win for both families.  If there were ever a time in the history of our planet that we need cooperation and a feeling of being united with each other it is certainly now.  This cooperation all starts with the family unit.  Make sure to keep the kids opinions in mind and ask them often what they are thinking and feeling about this issue especially as they go back and forth to each home.  Obviously at the end of the day, you as parents should have the final say but you want to keep dialogue with them open.  As a final resort if you really feel strongly that appropriate precautions are not being taken or conversely you feel your freedoms to parent how you desire are not being heeded, then certainly consult an attorney if you feel there is no other recourse.  Use this time as a teaching moment to show your kids that in spite of what we are dealing with in the world, that there can be work to agreement or compromise with how to handle this pandemic when it comes to the kids.       Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer talks emotional infidelity.  This is a very cloudy topic that many people don't have a good handle on.  With physical or sexual infidelity, the issue is very clear because it involves something that can be clearly seen.  With emotional infidelity it is often a matter of the heart which can often be hidden.  Today we will talk about how best to understand when this is an issue that needs to be dealt with in your relationship.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies What is “emotional infidelity” or “emotional cheating?”  Well the dictionary really doesn't define this and so a lot of what it is can be extremely subjective.    Sexual or Physical infidelity can be much more clear and easily identified because it involves touch as small as just brushing up against someone to rubbing, hand holding, hugging, kissing, and then on up to sexual acts.  Pretty clear right?  Yes For the most part it is hard to argue against physical infidelity although I have seen it be done when a couple argues over hugs that are given to others for example.  With emotional infidelity there are some parts that are relatively clear but others that are not.  The parts that are not clear usually reside in the mind and heart of the one carrying on a relationship with someone other than their significant other like a spouse.  So let's first take a bit of stab at the definition of emotional infidelity.  In my opinion, emotional infidelity occurs when one person feels a romantic attraction to another that is cultivated through continued thinking about this other person in a romantic or sexual way.  It also can include spending time with this person while engaged in conversations that can fuel this romantic feeling all while the current significant other is being and/or feeling neglected.  So as you can see this is a very complicated definition because again it is taking into account the actions and thoughts of the person engaged in an outside relationship, but it can also include the other partner's thoughts and beliefs about it as well.  So let's take a look at those three components a bit more in detail. Let's first talk about some actions that might be construed as emotional infidelity to someone looking on the outside.  Now remember I said the word “might” and so we will later discuss what needs to happen with sometimes unclear actions. Going on lunch, dinner, or coffee meetings where a bulk of the conversation involves things other than a business or project type work.  Texting or talking on the phone again when the majority of the time is spent on other topics outside a specific reason that it has brought you together like a business deal or some sort of project. Discussing intimate details of your current relationships especially when you spend more time talking about what you don't like or are unhappy with in your current partner.  Ways of thinking and feeling that can signs of emotional infidelity.   Now unfortunately, this is area that can be very gray and where most couples may argue.  As mentioned, this can be a bit easier to hide or deny.  Thinking about someone else in a romantic and sexual way especially with little desire to stop and also fantasizing about the future with this person.  The future doesn't necessarily have to mean that you want end your current relationship for it to be considered infidelity.  In addition to the thoughts being directed at someone else, you might find that your thoughts are dimming toward your current spouse.  Like you might not be as open to hugs and kisses or other moments of closeness with your spouse because of these thoughts and feelings that are directed elsewhere.  It is also important to take into consideration of the spouse on the other end who might be subject to the potential emotional infidelity of their partner.  So with that here are some things you both can do before emotional infidelity becomes a problem.  Allow discussion to be had when you are hurt by something that was done or said in your relationship.  When either of you brings a hurt, you should respond to in a non-defensive or non-dismissing way.  When you respond defensively or dismissively, you may invite your partner to close off and find someone else who agrees.    You should each define your boundaries for what you will and will not be comfortable with.  So maybe you might be uncomfortable with any kind of coffee, lunch or dinner just between your partner and someone else.  For some maybe it is just the dinner.  Whatever it is clearly communicate your needs.  Take some time to consider your partners feelings.  When I say this I am thinking more about the partner who is considered entertaining time with someone else in that you should consider your partners feelings and give heavy weight to those feelings.  If you cannot come to agreement on boundaries, then you must decide if these are deal breakers.  Or can you live with them and not have resentment and bitterness.  Emotional infidelity for lots of people is just as or even more hurtful than physical or sexual infidelity.  Hopefully it does not happen, but if it does it is my hope that the two of you can discuss it and restore your emotional connection with each other that has been surely broken.   Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself.  In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration.  This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh.  That being said, I am going to practice what I preach and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed!   We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you need a break?  Do you need some time for yourself?  In blended families, that time seems pretty much non-existent.  But in order for you to run the full marathon sometimes you need these breaks.  In today's episode we will talk about this and more.  And to begin, I wanted to let you know that the podcast will be taking a short 3 week break, so that I can do what I am asking you to do and that is to take better care of myself.  Have you ever been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will descend and that you are encouraged to put your own mask on first.  This might seem cruel that you are putting yourself first but the ultimate goal is to keep yourself alive so that you can help others.  The same goes for your blended family experience.  If you are not taking care of yourself then eventually you will be no good for anyone.  I often think about running a marathon when I compare it to the life of a blended family.  I ran my first and only marathon to this point about 4 years ago.  The training for the marathon was an interesting parallel to how I think life should be run.  First, you start off slow with some short runs.  This might be compared to the initial period in a blended family where you might not be fully and completely engaged in all areas because you are busy getting your bearings.  The runs then get longer the more comfortable you are and the same with your blended family.  You will begin to put yourself into situations around things like helping the stepkids with homework or discipline of them.  Then throughout the training there is usually one day a week that you will do a sprint.  You know what these days look like in the life of your blended family.  Unfortunately you don't have much time to think.  It is all about getting the family up, breakfast served, kids out the door, then onto work, then dinner, then cleanup, then homework, the off to bed and then do it all over again.  Also throughout the training, there are usually a couple of days a week where there is complete rest.  This is the hard part of the blended family experience.  Getting these breaks for full days is sometimes hard if not impossible.  So you must find moments, minutes and maybe sometimes hours to rest.  In the midst of all of this physical training, you must also take care of your body by eating right and hydrating.  Emotionally and mentally you must take of yourself by limiting or dealing with stress in better ways.  All of these things are done so that you can run your best race on race day which is often months away.  The same goes for the blended life, in that you must have periods of both exertion and rest so that you can run your best race as life goes on.  So all this is great in theory, but how do we make this practical?  Let's talk about some simple ways to make this happen that hopefully won't take too much energy.  First I want you to take some deep breaths and really think about how your body is changing in how it feels when you do this.  Deep breathing over periods of time can produce calm in the body.  Go for a walk and use all of your senses.  Think about what you are seeing, smelling, and hearing especially.  Be grateful if you can do this and for what you are experiencing.  Stay in your pajamas just a bit longer.  Give yourself permission to fight against the expectations of others.  This one is hard for those of us that always think we should be doing something.  Look at what tasks can be delayed, temporarily not done, or permanently deleted from your life.  Don't take too much time thinking about this because that defeats the purpose of removing some pressure and stress.  Tell your family what you are doing and ask that they do the same.  In other words model some of the behaviors and let them know it is okay to do these from time to time.  So after I am done recording this podcast, I want to take some deep breaths and maybe take a walk around the work complex and soak in the sun, trees, and bird for just a bit.  Please take care of yourself and each other while we go on this short hiatus from the podcast.  We will return again in about 4 weeks.  Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger.  If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well.  Today we will talk about freeing the entire family from this bondage so you can all you're your most full lives.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Judging others and judging situations is something that is programmed into all of us from a very early age.  We are taught to size up and scrutinize the situations in life that we all face.  However, it becomes unhealthy when we begin to “pass judgment” onto others for the things they do and say.  So what is judgment you ask?  Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as, “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.”  The two pieces that often get us into trouble when it comes to judging something are “opinion” and “comparing.”  An opinion is a very subjective view of something that we make up in our mind.  It could be something as simple as, when you said hello to a person that passed by and they did not respond.  In your mind you could form an opinion that says “what a jerk, couldn't even have the decency to say hello back” or “wow they probably have a lot on their mind, and didn't realize what I said” or maybe “they may not have actually heard me say anything because it is loud around here.”  Or you could come in with a thousand other judgments about what you thought was behind the no smile that you saw.  The other piece that causes issues with the definition of judgment is “comparing.”  Comparing is basically the examination of someone or something in relation to something or someone else and then look at the similarities and differences.  Of course when we have an opinion and make a comparison, we are most often placing this person or this thing up against us.  And often depending on our view of ourself will often drive our judgment one way or another but it can be tricky as to which way that goes.  We can certainly view ourselves as equal, superior, or inferior to others and this will not doubt drive our response.  But it is not as easy as you think.  You would think that someone that views someone as equal would view another's situation in a neutral or positive light, and those that find themselves superior or inferior might judge in a negative way.  But I have seen all sorts of judgments from these places.  Someone who sees themselves as inferior I have seen can judge in both directions.  They might say wow look at all this person has done to get themselves where they need to and look at what I lack.  In this case the negative judgment is being directed at self and the positive judgment is being directed at the other.  Or conversely some jealousy could enter and someone who sees themselves as inferior, could say something like well the success they have is not because of anything they have done but because of the help they received.  When we begin to judge others negatively or when we measure ourselves negatively, it can often feel like a weight around our necks that is constantly pulling us done.  It can also be very easy to begin to subconsciously teach the kids that judgment is normal and something to be done consistently.  And unfortunately we are inadvertently giving them a weight to carry around.  Once I became more aware of the judgments I was passing on about other people, the more I felt that weight.  Why is there a weight?  That is a good question and I am not sure I have the full answer, but I think just being negative in general and exhausting ourselves by constantly making comparisons is probably what contributes to the weight of judgment coming back to us.    So what are some ways that we can lessen and maybe even prevent judgments and the subsequent weight that you and the family might feel.  Become aware that you are thinking in this way.  The more attune you are to your thoughts the more easily you can recognize this happening.  Gratitude.  Being appreciative of what you have in life can often head especially the comparison part of judgment off.  Realize that there are many reasons why someone might be living a certain way or acting in a manner that is not consistent with how you would act.  The issue here is not to pretend that something that person is doing is not a problem, but more about what that judgment is doing to your mental health.  Be compassionate.  By first thinking of the good in people, it can often feel more freeing.  Now of course one must be cautious about being taken advantage of by others, but by teaching your children to always think the best about people the lower the chance they will judge in a harsh or negative way.  Accept things more as they are.  Often our brains think that we must always work to change something that doesn't fit with our narrative in life.  As a result we can often judge in preparation to want to change something.  We all know often we can't change someone else and if we try and it doesn't happen it can often lead to some unhealthy mental states. Finally, teach your kids both bio and step all of these things. First, you must practice these and get much better at them yourself.  Once you feel you are in a better place with all of these, then gently guiding your kids in these ways, will help them grow up to be less judgmental and more free in their lives.       Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors.  Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.     You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors.  So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series.  And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions.  I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it's something you do.  And so that means we can't just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow.  Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables.  There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest.  Find the right location for the garden.  Is shade, sun, or a combination? Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest.  How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other.  What kind and how much fertilizer is needed. How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight How often should the soil be manipulated.  How should weeding happen. So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop.  The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits.  I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that.  One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare.  Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect.  The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section.  The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key.  That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return.  The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile.  So let's talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books:  From the Love Dare: “Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.” “Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.” “Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.” From The Respect Dare: “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.” “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.” “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive.  For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.”  These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage.  You might even have some of your own that work well.  I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn't.       Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group The Love Dare The Respect Dare   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 2, we will talk today about how cognitive distortions can filter the way we view something that is happening and can change our reaction in a more negative way.  You might be asking what a cognitive distortion is.  Well first before we describe what it is, you should know that we all have them to some degree or another because we are humans and imperfect.  A cognitive distortion is often described as a way of thinking that is often inaccurate and also tends toward being negatively biased.  There are lots of cognitive distortions and we will go over a few of the more common ones now.  Overgeneralization means that we reach a broad conclusion base on something occurring once or maybe even just a few times.  For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue about money, it maybe become so overwhelming that you start thinking you disagree about everything.  Catastrophizing is assuming the worst when faced with something that is unknown.  Often our minds will go down a rabbit trail and eventually down the rabbit hole that a worse case scenario is going to happen.  Personalization means that you are attributing blame for something entirely toward yourself or you could be blaming someone else.  An example, might be something like blaming yourself and how bad of a person you for not cooking dinner one night.  When in fact maybe there were all sorts of issues contributing to dinner not being able to be made.  Labeling is somewhat similar to personalization.  It occurs when say we mess something up, and we start to say we are a bad person.  Or maybe we get into too many arguments and we start saying our spouse is a jerk for example.  There are many more cognitive distortions but those are just a few that pop up in relationships.  So what do we do with these.  Let's talk about 3 practical things you can do to limit the effect on your life.  First, you must work to become aware that this is a possibility.  A good way to do this is to notice or become aware of your thoughts and how you are processing what you are perceiving.    Second notice if your mood has shifted negatively.  Are you feeling anxiety, anger, or fear for example.  If this is the case it may very well be that a cognitive distortion is occurring.  Finally, can you allow your mind to think about alternative possibilities.  The best example for doing this is assigning what you think the motivation is behind why someone is doing something.  Often we get the motivation completely incorrect.  It takes time to recognize when we are mentally in a somewhat distorted place but the more you do it the easier it will be.  We look forward to discussing installing new behaviors in our next session.      Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 1, we will talk today about disconnecting from our past.  You may have heard the phrase that, “if you are hysterical, then it may be historical.”  This means that if you or your partner have a very inflated response to an issue, it quite possibly means that something from your past if playing a role.  The past can come from probably 3 different areas and is something to consider.  Your childhood could be an area that is bringing something up.  Sometimes differences in parenting can rear up in how you were parented versus how your spouse was parented as an example.  Or maybe something traumatic happened that causes your fight or flight mechanism to kick in.  Past relationships can also cause issues for us.  If you went through a very difficult past marriage that was fraught with infidelity, then it cause manifest insecurities and trust issues.  So if your spouse gets home from work late one day and doesn't let you know beforehand, it could trigger a past feeling of upset if this was a norm in your past relationship.  Past events in your current relationship can also cause issues.  Maybe you have had a similar argument several times before.  But this time it blows up completely.  It could be happening, because the issue has so mounded up that it contributes to what is happening in the here and now.  All of this is great, so what to do we do about this. First, we need to do an honest evaluation to understand the root of our extreme upset.  So when something like this comes up, you should go back through your history to understand if something has set up shop in your brain as a trigger.  Second, we should voice our past triggers to our partner.  This can do several things.  It can help you by discussing and processing which is generally always a good thing for our brain.  It can also help your partner know and understand which issues and topics may be landmines.   Change our view that it is not entirely that you are a bad person or that your spouse is a bad person, but that there is a third element at play that could be wreaking havoc.  We all have a past and completely denying what that past might be doing can be a foolish endeavor.  It should be stressed that we should not use our past as a weapon toward each other either.  I hear one person in a couple often will make very cutting comments that their partner acts a certain way solely because of the past.     Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how big decisions don't need to be complicated or difficult.  Of course sometimes decisions themselves may take some time to weigh out we will talk about 3 steps you should take during the process of making a big decision.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The big decisions in your blended family journey don't come around everyday, but on occasion you might be faced with something that is big and weighty.  You might face a big job change that might incur more travel or more hours at the office.  You might face a move that has to be made to another city because of a job change.  Or maybe there are changes in custody or visitation because of a job or move issue.  Maybe you simply need to move to a new home because your new blended family has outgrown the current home.  Whatever the change might be, it will certainly come with a big decision.  In my own life, I was faced with a couple of those big decisions and one in particular came in the course of being in a blended family (one came while I was single and in between relationships).  That big decision involved whether or not to move from Florida to Virginia as a result of a job transfer.  With that move, there were of course options.  We could have stayed in Florida and I could have either looked to leave the company I was employed with or maybe found another position within the company to stay.  And then the other option would be to remain with the company in that same position and move.  Ultimately after some back and forth between us as a family and some actual changes within the company that had the new job be a “go” then move to “frozen” to being a “go” again, we went through a quick 3 step process that helped us feel better about our decision.  Before I talk through that 3 step process, we ultimately did make the decision to move from Florida to Virginia.  The main decision revolved around feeling like their might be more opportunities from a career standpoint and also there was more to do that would be to our liking.  So all this being said, let's go through that 3 step process that it took to get us closer to make the big decision: First, get on the same page with your spouse.  This may take awhile to talk through feelings about each side, and the pros and cons of the decision.  For the most part don't move to step 2 before being united with each other.  However, if you are feeling like your discussions with each other are stalling then you might want to move forward only to circle back around.  Secondly, understand the bio and stepkids feelings about each side of the decision.  This means understanding their feelings about the decision.  Now, getting this information does not mean that you will be making the decision based solely on their wants, but that you are taking this into consideration as a piece of the puzzle.  Third, make the decision and communicate to the kids and/or other family members.  Again you may need to go through several rounds of step 1 and 2 to get to the 3rd step.  I would definitely advise that both you and your spouse have a family meeting of sorts to lay out the decision.  Of course make the kids feel heard and understood by letting them know their opinions were important and valued.  And you can say that these were definitely weighed during the tough decision you each as parents had to make.  So these steps may not actually make the decision for you, but again can be a guide to a smoother path to making the best decision for you and your blended family.  I like a quote attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, who said: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” So to me this means that I can't get too hung up on all the attitudes and moods of the people in my family, but that sometimes I just have to keep making the best possible decisions for my family with my spouse's agreement of course.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how we all have times we have either uttered or thought, “I am done.”  You have been divorced before and now you are thinking about it again.  In today's thought provoking episode, we will talk about how common this is and some things to think about to really know whether or not this next marriage will work or not.  Also, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies So you have been through a divorce and are remarried.  Are things getting so bad in your current relationship that maybe you can't believe you are back at this place of contemplating another divorce?  If you have ever said or thought the words, “I am done” in a second or third marriage or beyond then you are certainly not alone.  You may or may not know that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, 3rd marriages about 70%, and 4th are typically above 80%.  So that being said, as you can see not only do lots of people say or think that they are done, that many actually follow through and get divorced again. The stress of being in another marriage is only compounded because there are children involved that are not yours.  This causes all kind of issues, especially when they say they don't like and won't listen.  Do you feel that your spouse does not have your back when it comes to these kid issues?  This dynamic can generate even more stress on a couple and a family.  One of you wants things to change and the other is more wishing for the status quo.  Based on all these pieces not working you definitely have every right to wonder if this next marriage is over.    Do you just have thoughts about these things or have you discussed this with your partner or with others?  Once the issues are spoken then it can create another dynamic, because maybe until this time your partner has not realized there is an issue.  Or maybe conversely they do agree and so it further advances what you both have been thinking.    You might be on the fence right now over whether or not this is truly something you should move forward with or something you should just try to deal with and figure a way to make peace with and stay in the marriage.  This is obviously a major decision in your life.  A decision to end or continue a relationship, and a decision to change your kids and stepkids lives once again.  Let's talk about the things you should consider to know whether or not you are really ready to end the marriage again.  First, on a scale of 1-10 I want to you think about where you land on whether or not you should end this relationship.  A “10” means you are in this fully and completely and a “1” means you are making concrete plans even as you listen to this podcast.  A “5” means you are completely unsure and are weighing out each side of the coin.  By understanding, your number above it will help you gauge really where you are at in determining your future.  Are the words, “I am done” thought or said during the heat of an argument, just after while you are still emotionally flooded, or are they coming at times of calm well after an issue has caused a problem?  As you can imagine if they come at times of calm, then you may realize this is more real that it is possibly time to move on.    If you have voiced your concerns that you may need to end the marriage, do you feel that you have given enough time to see changes made?  Do you listen to what your spouse is saying about you regarding what changes they would like?  Sometimes in relationships, there is one person that generally brings up problems most often and the other just deflects.  If you are the one that brings up problems, then you may need to work to be the one to listen more to your partner.  What are the reasons you stay versus the reasons you think about leaving?  Do any of the reasons for staying involve the love you have for your spouse?  Do any of the reasons you stay involve how much they mean to you as a partner?  If you reasons for staying involve mostly the kids or what others might think then that may be cause for concern.  Do you have fears about being alone or starting over again?  This is a very common fear that many people have, but again is this a valid reason or enough of a reason to stay in this marriage.  What would you tell your best friend if they were in exactly the same position as you?  When I ask people this question, the answer I often hear, is “I would tell them to do what makes them happy.”  And they go on to say, that you should make your own decision but to weigh out things on all sides.  If you are spiritual and more specifically a Christian, then you know there is wording in the Bible that speaks to divorce.  When it comes to this you must think about the level of importance that you place on something like this.  Only you can know your level of distress and you must weigh this out.  Speaking to a counselor on your own, can give you some clarity.  Be patient with this process, as many people want to go to a therapist so they can be told what to do.  A good therapist will not tell you what to do but help you discover the best course of action for you.  Obviously a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision.  If you have just entered into a place of thinking you are done, then be patient as you work through this.  If you have been here a long time, then obviously you may have some more urgency about what needs to happen.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer in this fully unscripted quick episode, he talks simply about how we should do more listening to each other.  We should adopt this strategy for a better home life in our remarriage and blended family and just better life in general.   In addition to listening to today's episode, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The message today is simple:  Let's practice listening more.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses staying fully mentally present in your remarriage.  Now more than ever with more stress and more technology, we can often find ourselves physically present but not completely connected with our spouse.  We will talk today about some ways to help you stay more present so that your connection with your spouse deepens.  In addition to listening to today's episode, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In today's world it is harder than ever to be consistently and fully emotionally present in our relationships. Ever catch yourself thinking about work, the kids, doing yardwork, working out, the need to check your email or social media.  Do you ever take your phone out to check something when your spouse is talking to you.  Do you sometimes multi-task like watch a movie AND scroll through your phone?  Ugh, I am majorly guilty of this one.  Are you in a relationship where one or both of you have accepted this as the norm or do you get highly upset with each other when this is happening?  I tend to see a wide variety of couples where this may or may not trigger upset or anger.  No doubt the blended family situations with all that goes into that and the many ways in which you each are pulled can certainly be a hindrance.  In my marriage therapy, I hear lots of stories about how one partner says they will be venting or even pouring out something emotional, and they will get blank stares or a very unempathetic response.  I recently worked with a couple, where the male would actually change the subject or walk away when his wife would start to talk about something emotional.  Now interestingly, as we dug a little bit on this there were some keys to his past that played a role for sure which helped get a better understanding of why he might respond this way. So let's talk about some very common ways that we are not fully present:  Thinking about other things and situations when our spouse is talking to us.  I find the longer we are in a specific relationship, the more frequent this tends to occur.      Technology is something we have already discussed, but again spending too much time on our smartphones and things like social media within the phone.  Sometimes latching on to something your spouse said that caused an emotion to stir.  At that point you are so locked on to that, that you no longer register much of what is going on with the rest of what is being said.  General mental health struggles like anxiety and depression can inhibit staying fully present. Now sometimes those struggles are due to chemical imbalances and other times it can be related to stress and other outside factors like situations that are out of the norm.  Finally when we get to a place of making judgments about the things we see.  When we do this we are not keeping up with what we are seeing and doing in the moment.  So for example when we see our spouse come home late, we will often make a snap judgment about what we think has happened and we can often carry on with these thoughts for quite awhile.  And to further complicate, we will then often assign a positive or negative spin on this.  So now that you know what are some of the things to watch out for, let's talk about some ways to help you be more fully present in your relationship: Catch yourself making judgments.  Becoming more aware of this and working to reduce these will first help make you more fully present and secondly will hopefully make you happier.  Mindfulness Meditation is a meditation where you work to become more aware of your thoughts, accept them and thus their power will usually reduce.  Repeat back on occasion what you heard your partner say.  This actually helps you stay on the conversation but also makes your partner often feel heard and understood.  Unload some stressful pieces of your life.  Are there things you can let go of?  Maybe it is something you do like yardwork?  Could you hire it out?  Maybe it is all of the volunteering you do?  Maybe it is something internal like the guilt you feel over your past divorce?  If the inability to stay present is significant, make an appointment with a mental health care professional to look for something clinical like Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or PTSD.  Medication could also be something to talk your doctor or psychiatrist about.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about shared parenting and how you should be guided by 3 high level principles in everything you do when it comes to sharing parenting with your ex-spouse.  In addition to today's episode, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Shared Parenting or Co-Parenting is definitely a relatively new term when it comes to parenting kids from a divorce.  It used to be that one person had primary or even sole custody and could drive most of the decisions.  Or sometimes it was called shared custody.  I suppose that has primary and sole custody has it's benefits when done properly, but the courts found that this was often not the best for the children.  Society and the legal system determined at some point that giving both parents an equal say in the child's life was best for everyone including the parents and the children.  There are of course issues with this approach as well in that sometimes parents can get a bit gridlocked sometimes on gray areas that maybe aren't spelled out so much in the legal documents.  So while the legal system is probably got it right, when you get away from it and deal with day to day and the differences of opinion with your ex-spouse, it can get hairy! When I was going through my divorce, we were for the most part amicable but I was considered to have primary custody and had more power in decision making.  I do believe with one exception which I will talk about in a minute that I used my power wisely and to the benefit of everyone involved.  I suppose if I am transparent with you, the one mistake I made involved me moving away to entirely different state.  Now it wasn't necessarily the move that caused the issue but what happened the first summer away.  So about 3 years after my separation and 2 years after the divorce was finalized, I was not emotionally doing well.  I decided that I needed a change.  That change was very drastic.  I decided to move from Ohio to Florida.  Since I had primary custody of my daughter at that time and that my ex-wife was very friendly about it, the move went forward without much of a hitch.  Now you could argue that this is where the problem existed, but it really occurred during that first full summer.  Since the distance was so great, we made an agreement that my daughter would come back every Christmas and also every summer.  That first summer, I had a problem with my 5 year old daughter being gone for 12 weeks, so we made a deal to have her only be gone for 6 weeks.  Looking back I was scared that my daughter would come back changed or no longer want to be with me.  My ex-wife fought me on doing this but eventually relented.  But much to my surprise my daughter came back just fine and from there I was more willing to allow her to spend the entire summer with her mom.  Obviously that was a different time and different circumstances and most likely as you are listening there probably is more of a shared situation going where maybe one of you does not have any more authority or power than the other.  So all this being said I want to give you 3 somewhat broad principles to guide your dealing with your ex-spouse when it comes to shared parenting.  To get much more concrete tips, check out my free Shared Parenting Checklist that will add to what we are going to talk about now.  Consistency – Make sure you are as consistent in everything you do.  If you have a plan that has been laid out then stick to it as much as you can.  Obviously if things have been laid out by the courts then do that.  Of course be flexible when you can, but most “experts” agree that consistency is best for both you, your ex-spouse and most of all the kids. Communicate – Always communicate what is happening with your children at your home and what an ex-spouse might need to watch out for including homework that may need to get done, medications to be taken, moods or attitudes the child is in, or big changes in life such as loss of friends or loved ones.  Calm – Always remain calm.  You may do all things consistently, you may communicate everything appropriately and it still may not work.  You might be met with a resistant or angry ex-spouse.  As best you can be calm.  Now be careful about your calmness coming off as flippant.  Sometimes if it appears you could care less about your spouse's anger, this can sometimes fuel it even further.  So there is a balance of keeping your calm and recognizing it is not easy for either of you.  It may not go perfectly, but if you practice Consistency, Communication, and Calm it typically can go in a much better direction than it would otherwise when it comes to shared parenting.    Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how even as adults we can often feel like we don't measure up to our friends who have been married for years with lots of kids.  It can sometimes look like they have the idyllic life, which of course we know is not always true.  But still it can be hard not to celebrate our differences.  That is what we are going to do today.  Your different blended family is one to be proud of especially because you have lots more experiences in pain and difficulty that others can learn from.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies I have never been very comfortable with feeling different.  I had periods in my childhood especially where I struggled with my weight.  In fact as I look back on my youth, whenever I had periods of feeling like I was in the spotlight, I would cope with my anxiety by eating.  In fact I remember that when I played baseball, I especially disliked being the batter at the plate.  I felt like all eyes were lasered in on me as I was doing my best to hit the ball.  Looking back, I often failed not because I didn't have the ability but that I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different or standing out.  Same goes for my divorce.  I had an extreme discomfort in feeling different than all of my friends.  This was driven largely by feelings of being a failure.  So not only did I feel like I had failed in my first marriage but I felt like I was a failure.  I would like to say I had some big light bulb moment that changed all of this but much time was needed for the feelings to fade and to realize that lots of people go through the struggle.  Of course once you get through the hurdle of being okay with feeling different because you are divorced, then comes the blended family experience.  And most definitely that for sure feels much different!   I went to a wedding this weekend, and in spite of my divorce taking place over 20 years ago, and this blended family journey I started well over 15 years ago, I still felt that same feeling of being just a bit different.  You might be asking what was it about this wedding that brought those feelings up?  I suppose it was two fold.  Of course seeing a young couple getting married for the first time.  They were high school and maybe even middle school sweethearts.  Seeing them up at the altar took me back to my first wedding and marriage and all the promise.     Then the parents of the two families I know well as we all attend the same church.  The groom's parents have been married for well over 30 years and have 5 boys together.  The brides parents also to my knowledge married over 30 years and have a mixture of boys and girls that make up 5 kids.  So all that being said, definitely gave me some small moments where I thought wow how nice would it be to be married to the same person for that long and to have that many kids together.  Alas it did not happen for me.  As the wedding wound down, and my wife (both our second marriage) got into the car together to ride home, we remembered with fondness our own wedding and how my daughter from my previous marriage who was 8 at the time was not completely thrilled.  It was a sweet but tough time. It was sweet because it was a new adventure where we both felt like we were getting a second chance.  My daughter on the other hand felt as if she were getting the shaft.  So it was a balance, but one that we look on now knowing that we are better for it.  So that being said how do we celebrate and feel good that we are different?  Let's talk about that: First, as the Kelly Clarkson song goes, “What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger.”  To me this means that if we survive divorce and that initial stages of blending, then indeed this has made us stronger.     We can offer help and hope to those struggling with loss and pain.  Really any kind of loss and pain can resonate with us having dealt with some of the biggest emotional pain on the planet.  We don't get complacent with relationships with the kids.  In fact we have to be careful that we don't go the other way and over analyze and beat ourselves up and…and…and.  In other words though on the bright side we can put much more thought and effort because our circumstances are so much different.  Most of us realize that our past relationships that ended, are a result of issues on both ends.  If you are like me, shortly after my marriage ended I put the entire blame on my ex-wife for the end of the relationship.  But wow as the years passed by I soon realized the part I played.  So all this being said, we can gently offer to our friends that they could also being playing a part in relationship difficulties.  We are good at juggling.  What do I mean there?  I mean good at juggling lots of people's attitudes and ego's all while hopefully maintaining ours.  We hope that today's message, has offered some hope that it is okay to be different.  Remember that the people that stand out are generally the people that are different.  Don't be afraid to be and do different.   Let that be you moving forward in your blended family journey.

Summary Brian Mayer talks about how hard we try as stepparents to get it right.  But what is right?  Getting it right is often very subjective and so getting upset at ourselves is not the right approach.  Today we applaud your availability not your ability.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies We all know that perfection is not necessary in most walks of life.  I would even dare to say that it isn't necessary in the medical field or in any of the sciences.  There are many reasons why perfection is not necessary and it probably mostly has to do with the fact that we are not perfect people.  You might not know this but even the dictionary gives some wiggle room about perfection. Listen to all these defintions:  the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. a person or thing perceived as the embodiment of perfection. the action or process of improving something until it is faultless or as faultless as possible. So I mean come on even the dictionary which sometimes we think is the most perfect place to find the meanings of words can't even say for sure that there such a thing as true perfection.  I think a lot about life and our history and what can we say was ever perfect or even close.  In 1894, Hugh Duffy had a batting average of .440.  This still stands today as the highest batting average ever.  What this average means is that he got a hit 44% of the time and made an out 56% of the time.  Very far from perfect!  Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times to get the light bulb right.  Jeff Bezos the founder of Amazon had a multi billion dollar failure with a smart phone called the “Fire Phone.”  He later said that actually this failure led to the development of the highly successful Amazon Echo.  He said, “If the size of your failures isn't growing, you're not going to be inventing at a size that can actually move the needle.”    So have I convinced you that perfection is not necessary or really even possible, now what?  Let's talk about what you should be focused on instead especially as you shepherd your blended family.  Your Availability is more important that your ability.  Just being there for your family is often more important than what you are doing.  If career is important, then you might need to get creative on ways to stay connected like utilizing the phone to make calls or Facetime to see your family when traveling. Learn from Your Failures.  Try as best you can not to make the same mistake twice.  Of course as we have learned today, mistakes are somewhat subjective but again learn from things you don't think you did right.  Learn to Apologize. In my work with couples there is often one person in the relationship who has a tougher time apologizing for wrongs. Often I find that this person's childhood was void of people apologizing.  Now if you are the one that does often apologize be careful not to be too upset when you aren't hearing it from your partner.  Give them grace for not perfecting the art of the apology.  You are Not Your Mistakes.  This one is cliché but just remember there is no stepparenting manual for goodness sakes.  You didn't do something you would have liked but it does not define you.  Tomorrow is a new Day.  Again another cliché so this is just a reminder.  You will have plenty of opportunities to work to get it right.  If you are in a spot where you start to do things better and differently, your partner may not fully believe this yet but I encourage you to keep at it.  Eventually your partner and kids will see you differently.     Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.