Podcast appearances and mentions of brian mayer

#627: Real Estate Market Changes with Brian Mayer In this episode, real estate industry expert Brian Mayer joins John for an insightful conversation on the challenges and opportunities facing real estate agents today. As the market undergoes significant changes, from increasing house prices to new commission structures, agents must adapt to survive and thrive. Key Topics Covered: Market Transition & Real Estate Industry Challenges John and Brian start by discussing the two major issues affecting real estate: declining affordability and the NAR lawsuit. Home prices have risen significantly, and affordability is at its lowest in decades. The NAR lawsuit has resulted in a shift in how buyer-agent commissions are handled, moving from being part of the listing agreement to the time of offer. This shift requires agents to rethink their approach and articulate their value more clearly, especially when working with buyers. Adapting to the New Commission Structure The new rules mean buyer agents will now have to negotiate their commissions at the time of offer. This change presents a challenge for many agents who are used to receiving their commission from the seller's side. Brian and John emphasize the importance of having a well-defined value proposition. Agents must be able to explain how their services benefit buyers and justify the commission they are asking for. Articulating Value & Building Trust A critical theme throughout the episode is the need for agents to focus on their value. The real estate market is becoming more transactional, and buyer agents will need to offer more than just showing homes. John and Brian recommend adopting a consultative approach—one that focuses on understanding the buyer's needs, their financial situation, and their long-term goals. Agents who can provide a higher level of service and demonstrate their expertise will have a competitive edge in this new environment. Focusing on Motivated Sellers In a shifting market, agents must concentrate their efforts on motivated sellers—those who need to sell due to life circumstances such as divorce, job relocation, or financial distress. John and Brian discuss how agents can identify motivated sellers by using data and targeting marketing efforts. By working with clients who are more likely to need their services, agents can create a more stable business. Listing Agents vs. Buyer Agents The episode highlights the benefits of being a listing agent in the current market. With fewer transactions and high competition, listing agents often have more control over their compensation and can secure commission agreements upfront. Brian and John urge agents to shift their focus toward listings, where there is less uncertainty and more potential for predictable income. Creative Solutions for Buyer Agents For those working as buyer agents, John and Brian suggest becoming more entrepreneurial. Agents must find creative ways to structure deals, including finding solutions to ensure they get paid. Negotiating commission as part of the purchase price or exploring financing options are just a couple of strategies that agents can use to adapt to this changing landscape. Leveraging Data & Technology Both hosts agree that data and technology are vital tools for today's real estate professionals. Accessing motivated seller data and using technology to streamline processes can give agents a significant advantage. Furthermore, leveraging tools like CRM systems and marketing automation can help agents connect with more potential clients and close more deals. Mindset & Professionalism John stresses the importance of mindset in navigating the current market. Agents need to adopt a CEO mindset, focusing on running their business like a true professional. This includes setting goals, staying organized, and continuously improving skills in marketing, sales, negotiation, and leadership. The hosts also emphasize the importance of getting a coach or joining a team to stay on track and improve one's business strategy. Positioning for the Future John and Brian remain optimistic about the future of real estate for those who are willing to adapt and evolve. They foresee a divide in the industry, with agents who focus on providing high-value services and leveraging technology thriving, while others may struggle. The key is to stay committed to learning and improving, becoming not just an agent but a trusted advisor. Higher-End Market & Motivated Buyers A crucial part of positioning for future success lies in focusing on higher-end clients and motivated buyers. Brian advises agents to focus on those who have to move due to specific reasons and those who have the financial ability to act in the current market. Working with financially capable and motivated clients will result in more successful transactions. The Future of the Real Estate Industry Despite the challenges, both John and Brian agree that the real estate industry will continue to be an essential part of the economy. However, there will be a thinning of the herd, as only those agents who adapt and adopt a professional, value-driven approach will survive. Agents who position themselves as experts and trust-builders in their communities will continue to see long-term success. Call to Action: If you're a real estate agent feeling the pressure of today's market changes, don't wait. Whether you need help refining your value proposition, want to shift focus to motivated sellers, or are ready to leverage technology to gain an edge, now is the time to act. Visit JohnKitchens.co to learn more about how you can take control of your real estate career, work with John, and gain access to tools and resources that will help you succeed in this evolving industry. Keep following the John Kitchens Podcast for more expert advice, and stay ahead of the curve in real estate!

The Fathers Rights Playbook Podcast Hosted by Mark Reel Jr. Featuring Senior Trial Attorney Brian Mayer. Join our attorneys as they share vital information and ideas regarding parental alienation in your family court case. Our attorneys emphasize the importance of educating clients about the process they are going through. Being prepared and informed can empower fathers to navigate family court proceedings with confidence. Join us for an insightful discussion as we strive to ensure that fathers' rights are upheld and protected in the family court system.

Brian Mayer is a top exp broker based out of southern Maryland. In this episode, he talks about his strategies that he uses to deal with listing agents and how to put yourself in the best position to have an offer accepted. He also talks about market movements and where he thinks the market will be going in the coming months.

Justin 'Biz' Bakken and Brian Mayer join The dARk Zone to tell all about their recent victory at the USARA National Championships, the ups and downs of the race (broken bike shoe bolt, anyone?), and how teammate Mari Chandler (currently racing at the World Championships in Spain) saved their race 3 minutes after the start. Stick around for the bonus content. Thank you to episode sponsor The New York Adventure Racing Association - www.nyara.org - and visit their website to learn more about The Longest Day 24-hour race coming in May 2022.

Brian Mayer is excited to talk to Blended Family Coach Brittany Simo.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Brittany Simo is a Blended Family Coach. Her expertise is relationships in blended families. Divorce and remarriage have been a part of her whole life, as well as generations before her. She is currently a stepmom to two kids. She is close friends with their biological mother-she is even a bridesmaid in Brittany's upcoming wedding! She says that while friendship is not the goal of blended families, the status and health of the relationships in blended families make all the difference. From experience and studies, she offers authentic assistance to those who are struggling in the blended family chaos they call life. Brittany shares many helpful tips and mindset shifts when it comes to how we deal with the ex-spouse and the other biological parent especially when you are the new parent entering into this new blended family. These relationships often develop under very stressful situations and there can often be very hard feelings even anger. Often anger arises when one or both parties feel that they will not have some kind of say in the kids lives.  Brittany teaches us to remember that the step parent is not there to replace a bio parent but to be a very valuable supplement to help raise and take care of the children. Brittany's mentions that not every step parent develops a solid friendship with the other parent, but she did. She talks about what she did and the mindset around making that shift.  Brittany is active on Facebook and Instagram. She also offers coaching services as well to help you in your blended family journey. Her information is in the Resources section below.  Resources: Website: brittanysimo.com Instagram: blendedwithbritt Facebook:  Coach Brittany Email: coachbrittanysimo@gmail.com   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. You might be wondering how this would have anything to do with how I communicate with my spouse, but as you will see by the time we end today there is a strong connection.  I saved this episode for the last in our series because I do believe that it is the cornerstone for all the rest. You may have read in the bible that Jesus is considered the cornerstone.  The definition of a cornerstone is a “stone that forms the base of a corner of a building, joining two walls.” As such Jesus is the cornerstone that brings together the other 9 episodes on communication with this one. There may be some of you that listen to this podcast who are not Christian or that take offense to Christianity. I often think a lot of this has to do with the human beings that have mistreated you or maybe twisted things.  It could even come from the belief that Christianity is not inclusive.  I am not here today to argue any of these points, but rather to share some helpful scripture that may help in how you communicate with your spouse. As you may or may not know Jesus was known for speaking the “truth in love.” He had a way of speaking about what was right, just, and moral, but he did it in a way that was caring and loving.  I love what 1 Peter 3:15 says about this. It says “… in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.  So if we have an issue with someone in our life, we should bring that issue to them by speaking the truth about whether it is building up or tearing down. But again we must do it in a way that is gentle.    Other than the anger that Jesus showed when people were turning a place of worship into a place of money exchange where things were bought and sold, he was always very gentle and kind to those who were considered “less than” in his society. So what some ways to cultivate your relationship with Jesus and also what are the benefits? Lets discuss that now:  Quiet Prayer: Getting alone in a room such as a closet or maybe even going out in nature can help increase hearing what many call the quiet still voice of the Lord.  Above all in prayer focus on thanking the Lord for all he has done and to desire simply to increase the relationship.  Make it less about a list of what you “want.”  Scripture Reading About Communication: There are many passages about communication that can be very helpful to meditate on and memorize to recall when you need them.  Here are a few:  James 1:19 - Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 3:3-5 - When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.  Proverbs 18:13 - Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. Gathering With Others Who Have Strong Marriages and uphold Christ at the Center of the Marriage – Learning from others in this position who have strong relationships but are willing to also share when they mess up can be so incredibly powerful, encouraging and helpful. Find and Attend a good Bible believing Church. If you find a church like this you will quite often be exposed to sermons about healthy ways to communicate with and treat your spouse.  Do this for several years and the good will continue to accumulate.  Teach others About What Has Worked for You and Your Spouse. There is nothing like cementing what you have learned about good communication from your prayer time, reading the Bible, attending church, and learning from others that will help when you share with others.  This will often come back to strengthen your relationship and communication.  We really hope you have enjoyed this entire series on communication. Please go back through episodes 182  through this one which is 191 and you will get all sorts of great information and perspectives on how to make your communication with your spouse and your family even healthier.    Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about self reflection. Self reflection is the idea of thinking about ourself more than our partner and to understand how our actions and reactions affect our partner.  Self reflection is a lost art because we often thing about the people and world around us as affecting how we respond. However, it can be argued that we learned how we react long ago to things going on outside ourselves.  For example when our partner keeps repeating themselves over and over again, usually our first thought is how irritating they are being. We might say back I have heard you say this over and over again to me and I am tired of hearing it.  But what if we flipped it and said either to our partner or to ourselves, I wonder what I might be doing that might that could be increasing my partner repeating themselves. It could be that you don't acknowledge genuinely what your partner says. Or maybe you don't take at least some responsibility for your part in the interaction or thing your partner is upset about.  So again very easy to focus on what others are doing that are causing us issues, but more difficult to shine a light on ourselves. Now of course as with anything the pendulum can swing too far the other way where we constantly let others off the hook for their actions but if we can work to have the balance of our thoughts stay centered on how we are thinking feeling and acting in a situation the better our relationships generally can be. So how can we focus on this thing called self-reflection? Let's talk about some ways:  Ask yourself where you learned to respond in a particular way to an issue or event. For example where did you learn that being a harsh disciplinarian was better than encouraging a child to voice their feelings about something they did wrong? Ask how your action/reaction is affecting your partners action/reaction. We often think in reverse about how our partners action causes us to respond.  When your partner asks if you can do something differently, if you are able to simply and genuinely say that you will consider it an issue that needs to be worked on. Again we typically do not respond in this manner.  We usually get defensive and explain this will not change until the other person changes.  Take a personality test like Myers Briggs or the Enneagram. The goal of taking these is to of course understand what you are doing, but more importantly to understand why we do what we do.  Often the things we learn about ourselves can be a positive or healthy but when out of balance can be very unhealthy.  Speak to a good therapist who is trained in helping with self reflection.   Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In a romantic relationship, the longer we are together the more we may begin what feels like a wrestling for power. It may happen in big situations like how to handle parenting or deal with an ex-spouse. It could happen with even small things like where best to put the sugar in the pantry.  Obviously as we gain more comfort with our partner in a relationship it is bound that these things will happen. Both people in the relationship believe that power distribution should be equal in most every situation and if one or both people believe it is not, then it can certainly cause tension and disagreements. Power struggles obviously make it very difficult to reach a compromise or agreements. Often the inability to compromise may come from childhood or past relationships. If you or your partner never saw good conflict management growing up then of course it is going to be difficult to know how to resolve issues.  Maybe in a past relationship you felt completely controlled. And as such you refuse to allow that feeling to happen again.  So you stand up for everything you disagree with.  Often we don't back down from something because we believe something bad will result or maybe we have a fear. Often though many times these beliefs are irrational. Or sometimes we thinking backing down shows that we aren't strong or can't stand up for ourselves. Again as with everything we are talking about there can be a lot at play in pushing us in one direction or another. So lets talk some suggestions for solutions: Talk About Your Histories. Talk about your childhood and past relationship when it came time to share power and decision making.  The more you know and understand about your partner, the better.  Talk About Your Fears. Does giving in mean that you think something negative will happen?  Express these to each other.  Be honest with yourself about the likelihood that this will happen if you give in.  One Manager, One Employee. If there is a power struggle in a situation, decide if you can be okay that one person manages and makes decisions and the other helps carry them out.  Each Give a Little. Is there something small that you each can give in on to make something happen.  Try it Your Way This Time and Mine Next. Agree to try it one of your ways this time and reassess and then if it is not working, try something else or try it your partner's way.  Don't gloat if your partner's way does not work!  Agree to Disagree Without Resentment. This one is often not the best approach because something it doesn't get to a solution and sometimes it is hard to do without resentment.  Talk about How it Went. After something happens, have a discussion about how it went by working to keep emotional regulation low.  Often in relationships I will hear both people might believe their partner does not yield power. One though may be loud and aggressive and the other quiet and immovable.  Both people can see the other as not yielding but in reality both are not.  Keep working at what famous couples researcher John Gottman calls “Accepting Influence” to help build trust, remove resentment, and create a greater connection. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about triggers. And before you think it is a discussion about parts of a pistol let me assure you that is not a topic we dive into on this podcast.  We are talking about emotional triggers. Emotions can often times get unleashed if something in the present moment happens to us that our brain thinks is similar to something that has happened in our past.  Most of we can really get triggered when we have experienced past traumas. What do we mean when we say traumas?  These can be things like physical abuse, emotional abuse or sexual abuse.  They can be things like sudden and unexpectedly death of a loved one. A trauma can come from other types of violence or accidents as well. Traumas can also be the opposite of this as well. A trauma can occur if we have been abandoned or neglected.  A emotional trauma can happen if a romantic partner has an affair.    Another thing about traumas is that especially those that center around violence or abuse can happen whether we experience it ourselves or witness someone else experiencing it. Unfortunately all of these things can fire up our emotions often when they are not necessary. For example, say we have been cheated on in our past. Well if our spouse comes home late 15 minutes without letting you know could stir up feelings of being abandoned.  Often we might unleash our unhappiness on someone who has done nothing wrong.  Now of course can we say with 100% certainty that something happening in the present is nothing like what happened in the past? Of course not.  But there is a higher likelihood that things that have happened in our past may be coloring our belief in what is happening in the present.  Emotional triggers can obviously cause problems in our present relationship if we are not careful. So what do we do about them?  Here are some things to remember when dealing with emotional triggers: Take each situation in life as separate. Realize that factors surrounding every situation are never identical.  Question your initial thoughts. Say to yourself is there another possible reason for why this is happening?   Tell your partner about your past traumas. Sometimes just getting it out to the person you love can help.  Putting things into the light makes it more difficult than when issues stay in the dark.  Seek counseling if the traumas from the past are deep. Sometimes it may take awhile to work on these issues by processing them with a professional.  Is there a fear that is driving the issue? And once you identify there may be a fear, then ask what is the likelihood that what I fear will happen?  Ask what is the worst thing that could happen if I left this go? Will you die?  Will you be homeless?  Will you have nothing to eat?  Will you be alone?  The answer most likely to these very drastic questions will usually be “No.”  Unfortunately our brains usually take us to these places when we get triggered.  These are just a few ways that you can work to reduce the impact that your past has had and that will make for less turmoil and tension for you and your partner. Unltimately this can of course help your communication flow more easily and gently. Stay tuned for more communication series episodes in the next several weeks. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today we are talking about defense mechanisms. When we feel vulnerable and or attacked in some way, we will begin to close off in some way.  Most of the time the way in which we close off involves employing some kind of defense mechanism. Now before you think this is all bad, in some ways you could argue that defense mechanisms protect us when we feel like it is not safe to show our true selves. However, when they are employed too often especially in a romantic relationship it means that something is wrong. It may often be something about individually, the person we are with or a combination of the system we find ourselves in.  Let's talk about some very common defense mechanisms that can inhibit our connection with the one we love: Projection: This is putting your feelings onto another person as if they were the other person's.  So for example, I might say you are just so angry when again maybe it is really me that is angry. Dissociation: This one involves checking out mentally and emotionally because the situations feels too intense.  This one often comes as a result of trauma or abuse that has been suffered at some point in the person's life.  Regression: This one is all about reverting to an earlier stage of life because something has just become too hard.  For example reverting to playing video games that one played as a child in order to avoid something difficult in the moment.  Acting Out: This one is like an anger outburst that instead of rather calmly stating the person is angry they may instead punch a hole in the wall as a release. Denial: This one comes about often when emotional pain like shame or guilt comes about.  Often experiencing these emotions are so painful and it often works best to deny the issue.  Displacement: Taking out your frustrations on someone else because they feel safer to do so.  For example lashing out at the boss may not be safe for fear of being fired, so you take it out on your spouse or the kids.    There are many other defense mechanisms and in the moment they probably do give a sense of relief. However in the long term, it just means we may be delaying experiencing and moving through these emotions.  And then as a result they may come on more intensely and cause even great issues down the road. So what to do about these then? I will give you two suggestions to keep it simple.  One is to work to express your feelings. Now a caveat here.  Often we say we are simply expressing our feelings when we say something like “I feel upset when you act like a jerk.”  Typically this will not receive a favorable response because we have followed up a feeling with a criticism.  Sometimes but not always, if we can express our feelings as a reaction to something concrete and factual such as “I feel upset when you raise your voice” it can often be heard.  Allow someone to own their response, but possibly set a boundary if not. Maybe the response is not what you like and maybe a boundary need to be set.  So as in the example before, if the person will not change their behavior then you may need to say that when you raise your voice I will need to leave the conversation.    Lastly think about the defense mechanisms you may employ and work to see if there is anything you can do to change those for the better. Have frank conversations with your partner about which ones you employ and which ones they employ and work together to reduce or eliminate these. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies We all make assumptions about the motivation behind what we think people are doing or saying. This has no doubt become very prevalent in our culture but also in our relationships with the people we love the most.  I have heard the phrase as well around “making meaning out of something.” We do it with everything in our lives because our brains are curious to understand.  So when someone cuts us off in traffic, an immediate thought might be that they are insensitive or uncaring or even selfish.  Or let's say with the pandemic we are currently working to come out of. I might have a tendency to judge someone that is wearing a mask as someone who is irrationally fearful.  So in these cases, I am placing my own judgment on the situation without really truly knowing or understanding what is going on. Maybe in the examples above especially with the driving example, it is quite possible that was Mother Teresa in the car and she is frantically trying to get to the hospital to meet a loved one before they die. In that case we certainly would not say she is selfish or uncaring.  What if in the mask example, the person has lost several members of their family to death for one reason or another. Maybe they are not healthy.  In that case we wouldn't say they are irrationally fearful.    Same in a relationship. We are often making judgments or assumptions about what we think our partner is up to.  Now sometimes are assumption might be right on target but often they are not.  Assumptions can often cause unnecessary resentment to be built based on some faulty belief we have about what our spouse is doing. An example might be that I might look at my wife as thinking she thinks she is never wrong in an argument because she never says she is sorry. But I may discover at some point that she has this negative self chatter that says if I apologize it means that I am less than or not a good person.  Of course at the point she is not going to apologize but again not for reason I assumed.  Okay so all this being said what are some ways to reduce the assumption making? Lets go over some now.      We say this one all the time.  But slow your thinking.  Just ask the person you are making the assumption about. Ask them what the motivation was behind whatever they did or said.  From there try your best to take it at face value.  Realize there could be another alternative. Another way to say this is to realize there could be shades of gray available rather than something that is simply black or white.  Watch Projection. Just because you would react or respond with a specific motivation does not mean that someone else would do the same.  This is a defense mechanism where we end up making everything about ourselves.  As if some person's actions are a direct reflection on something they are doing to us.  This is often not the case.  Reflect on your past experiences. Is there anything that is causing you to look through a specific lens in a certain way about a situation.   Practice and get in touch with these things to help reduce your assumptions that often are incorrect. Don't forget to check out the previous 4 episodes in our 10 part series on communication. We have talked about Speaking Gently, Active Listening, Empathy, and Showing Interest.   Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page.  is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about showing interest. Showing interest is a lot like empathy but I suppose without the focus on emotions.  Showing interest doesn't have to be a lengthy cumbersome project. For example if your partner comes home from work and says she got a promotion, and you turn with bright eyes and say “Wow, how awesome is that!” you literally just showed interest.  John Gottman, well known couples researcher says that showing interest is like what he refers to as “Turning Toward.” He says that relationships are built on small moments like this.  When opportunities for interest appear we can respond in one of 3 different ways (and maybe more).    Turn Toward means to show a little bit of interest as mentioned before. Turn Away means to basically ignore or have disinterest Turn Against means to actually get angry and shut down whatever was brought up. Gottman says that we don't have to be perfect when it comes to Turning Toward. We are all human and will sometimes be off in our game.  His research shows that couples that report general satisfaction will show some kind of interest 86% of the time.  So a high level is necessary but perfection is not necessary.  Some helpful hints when it comes to Showing Interest Be proactive by looking for ways to show interest Make sure to incorporate positive tone and body language to show your interest. Ask questions to show interest (be careful about interrogating). Open ended questions are best such “would you tell me more about that?” If you aren't interested in something your partner is saying, wait until you might find an angle that you can banter about. For example my wife will often talk about issues at her work.  Often I have trouble knowing what to say, but when the conversation turns to say leadership qualities that she wants to work, well then I have found what I can feel comfortable talking about.  What Do You Need from Me is a great question to ask that shows interest. Touching when appropriate especially with your partner can show interest, such as putting your hand on their shoulder, etc. Resources: None Mentioned   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about empathy. Empathy is different than sympathy.  Sympathy is more like feeling pity on someone for their misfortune. Empathy is actually understanding and sharing in the feelings of another.  Sympathy can often feel disconnecting. It creates a gap between the one who is experiencing the issue and the one on the other side of it.  Empathy often feels more connecting. As if you are joining in the emotional sauna with the other person.  The definitions might seem slightly different but are often huge. When we saying something like, “I am sorry you are going through that” it is often coming from such a good place. And often that kind of statement is a soothing balm.  At least the person probably feels understood.  But being understood is only part of the equation when it comes to empathy.  Remember the definition of empathy is feeling understood….but also sharing in the emotions of another. So empathy might look something like, “so you are extremely sad that your grandmother passed away. She was very important to you and so no wonder there is such a great deal of sadness.  Losing someone important would make me sad too.”  So in this way it is not only understanding what the other person is going through but to really share in the emotion at the time.  All too often in relationship we can mess this up. What usually does not work:  Creating Distractions. Sometimes if we too quickly offer to go out and get an ice cream cone with the person suffering can feel invalidating. Getting Angry. This one seems self explanatory, but often the issue lies with the one getting angry in that maybe they are not able to be in touch very well with emotions.  Trying to Solve The Problem. By quickly offering a solution, you will send a message that the person's problems are really not a big deal.  Often the issue is not something that really can or needs to be solved.  Talking too much about yourself. By quickly turning the situation the other person is dealing with into something about yourself can often make things worse.    All this being said, what can you do to show empathy properly? Sometimes your presence is enough. Stopping what you are doing especially if you are in the middle of a project often can show empathy without saying words.   Verbalizing that you aren't sure what could help but again the you are there. Just reassuring the person you love that you don't have the solution to this but that you are there for them whatever they need.  Reflecting back what you are hearing. This is especially good in a moment of crisis.  It helps the other person feel heard and not so alone.  Remember a time when you felt the same emotion. You don't have to get into why you felt the emotion but that you should use the memory to connect with the other person's emotion that you are hearing.  Ask the person what they need from you? Again this is different than telling the person what you will do, but it shows that you are human and that you don't know what is needed but you will do whatever is needed to help. Empathy can be learned. If it is not something you grew up with up or are used to it can take some effort.  Additionally empathy can sometimes be difficult if you are confronted repeatedly with the same emotion over and over again. If this is the case, you may want to talk to your partner about speaking to a professional who can help especially if you are detecting more chronic issues like depression or anxiety for example.   Resources: None Mentioned. Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about listening. Remember in the last episode #182, we talked about speaking especially with an emphasis on speaking gently.  So it would only be logical to talk about listening next.  Ever heard of the saying, “we have two ears and only one mouth for a reason”? Well it probably means then that we should practice listening twice as much as we speak.  This is easier said than done because it is human nature to want to talk about ourselves for various reasons. True listening is hard work especially in the times in which we live. Distractions are everywhere especially at the tips of our fingers with the phone you might listening to this podcast with.  We can often hear something, but we don't always listen. Hearing according to the dictionary is “the process of perceiving a sound” while listening is “hearing with thoughtful attention.”  We are going to focus mostly today on listening especially active listening. This is much different than passive listening.  Passive listening is more like just what we talked about a minute ago where we are listening with attention but maybe not much else. Active listening takes it even further. Active listening is more about focusing on the speaker, understanding the message they are conveying and responding with thoughtfulness.  I've also heard it said they active listening is focusing on the speaker and message with all your senses. This means taking in with what you hear, see, and maybe even with tasting, smelling, and touching.  So now that we know a bit more about active listening. Let's talk about some helpful tips that will help you focus more on the message and to help the speaker also feel really genuinely listened to. Reduce or Eliminate Distractions. These distractions could be physical things in the environment or they could be mental such as lingering thoughts about a bad day at work.  Repeat back what you heard. This is probably the best way to show the other person that you are really working to understand.  It can also help conversations slow down.  Be flexible as you repeat back. This might mean you say something like, “so I what I think I heard” or “did you say” or “help me understand if this is what you said.”  This gives the speaker the ability to elaborate or correct what you were receiving.  Often though we can be very rigid and say something like “you said …” giving the speaker not much chance to easily explain.  It often instead invites the conversation to escalate.  Keep the focus on the speaker. Work hard not to pull the conversation back to yourself.  Get curious and keep asking the speaker to continue to unfold the issue for you.  I know, I know this one comes up with everything we do hear on the podcast it seems.  But it really is important, because when we start getting upset we no longer really listen.  Work to point out something you agree with (even if small) especially if the conversation is about something upsetting to the speaker that you may have done. Don't try to solve the issue. Just continue to reflect back and offer support.  Of course if your partner is asking for a solution then by all means try to help.  But often this is not what your partner is looking for.  Finally ask your partner if they felt heard and understood and then if you got what they were saying. There are all kinds of other ways to show that you are actively listening. What ways work for you and your partner? Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is excited to take about 10 episodes of the podcast to talk about communication.  It is probably the most talked about issue that couples have together that can sometimes not work well.  We will take some time to dive into this topic to help give you better tools to work on and things to consider to help communication between you and your spouse be more effective and more loving.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in our 10 part episode we are going to talk about speaking, with an emphasis on speaking gently. Often when we get upset or what some refer to as emotionally flooding, the speed, tone, and volume of what we say can dramatically shift. These changes occur because an alarm goes off in our head and our brain tells us that we must somehow defend ourselves from a perceived attack and so we think if we shift away from a gentle conversation that our partner will listen and get it. Typically what happens in these moments is that our partner will indeed take notice of this shift in how you are speaking. But within seconds, we often get back the same shift from them or sometimes a shutdown.  When we raise our voice and get short and direct, it sometimes feels good to get concerns “off out chest.” But again longterm, often what we are doing is feeling relief by removing the stress from us, but it now shifts to our partner.  Our partner then needs to figure out a way to offload this again either by throwing it back or swallowing it.  Ever heard the expression, “you can get more flies with honey than vinegar.” The same can be true with how we speak to others.  Typically we can get more favorable responses when we gently speak to them about what we need.  In our brain, we have a part called the Amygdala. This area is responsible for detecting danger.  When danger is detected, our brain sends signals to either go into fight, flight or freeze.  When we respond completely emotionally to this alarm system, we then often set off our partner's alarm system.  I don't know about you but I would rather not set off my spouse's brain alarm system would you? Of course we are human and can't be good with this all the time, but what if we could be better?  Here are some suggestions to speak more gently: If you are feeling upset, work to understand where in your body you are detecting this. It is overworn to say this, but deep breaths can work to calm the areas in your body that you are feeling the upset. Work to keep a more even tone when you talk. When you have significant shifts in volume, tone, and speed you are increasing the likelihood of setting your alarm and your partner's alarm.  Look at your partner in the eyes when you speak. Even holding hands can keep the conversation calm. When you speak do not go on and on. Allow your partner time to process and to respond.  Reflect back what you hear by restating in your own words what you heard your partner say. Record a disagreement and then play it back later. Pay attention to how you sound.  Work to make any changes that might help you to be heard and understood better.   If talking is difficult maybe emailing or texting might work better. Remember though you will not hear tone or see body language which can sometimes be a good a thing and sometimes not.  Lastly remember you are talking to another human being who has feelings just like you do. Maybe those feelings are not the same but they are feelings just the same.  Attend a couples workshop to learn to work on speaking more gently with one another.       Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I am more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!

Brian Mayer talks with Matis Miller about how best to work with children who can sometimes be stubborn, difficult, or even “uncontrollable.”  Matis is the founder, director, and supervisor of The Center for Cognitive & Behavioral Therapy of New Jersey, Matis Miller is a licensed clinical social worker. We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Here is much of what Matis talks about on the show: Labeling or Diagnosing the Child: Having a diagnosis can make it easier to modify school assignments or adapt your parenting strategies. Additionally, when people have a diagnosis for themselves or their child, it can be very validating; their experiences and challenges suddenly make sense. I thought I was going crazy, but it turns out that this is something that actually has a name! ADHD: Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a fairly well-known disorder that is primarily characterized by inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior. The symptoms are present before the age of twelve; in some children, they are noticeable from an early age. ADHD can be mild, moderate, or severe. Symptoms of ADHD include: Trouble focusing on tasks and paying attention to detail Difficulty following through and completing tasks Difficulty organizing activities or keeping track of belongings Distractibility or forgetfulness Constant motion or difficulty staying still Excessive talking and interrupting Difficulty waiting one's turn While most healthy children are impulsive and active, the more extreme characteristics of ADHD significantly impact a child's functioning. Parenting an uncontrollable child can be exhausting, frustrating, chaotic, embarrassing, painful, and frightening. (It's pretty tough on the kid, too!) It can also come along with a heaping dose of guilt: What did I do wrong that my child turned out like this? Even the most experienced, knowledgeable, patient, loving parents can find themselves with an uncontrollable child: a child who is emotionally sensitive, easily dysregulated, overly moody, or highly irritable. Emotion dysregulation is often misunderstood, especially by outsiders: He just needs firm discipline! All she needs is some love! Why can't you get your kid to pull himself together? You must be coddling her; you shouldn't stand for this behavior. There's often nothing that the parents could have done to prevent the uncontrollability—most of these children are hard wired to be extra-sensitive, impulsive, or otherwise “uncontrollable.” The good news is that there's plenty you can do now to get your life (and your child's life) under control. As a parent, you have the power to influence your children's lives and enable them to achieve the healthiest state possible. Childhood is the time to accept your child, build him/her up, protect him/her, defend him/her, and love him/her unconditionally, while simultaneously setting healthy limits, encouraging independence, and teaching him/her personal responsibility. It's the time to teach him how to deal with emotional struggles on his own, and also the time to teach him/her how to reach out for help. The “parent training” component of treatment for children with emotion dysregulation is an essential element. Time after time, I've seen that it's far more effective to encourage parents to change than to encourage children to change. That's because adults generally have a broader worldview than their naturally self-centered children; they're also typically more motivated, more willing to cooperate, and more capable of self-driven change than children are. Resources: The Uncontrollable Child by Matis Miller Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is a solo practitioner at Full Circle Coaching. He works mostly with couples and is trained in Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy. He enjoys experiential work which gives couples real life opportunities to practice skills rather than just talking about them. He also facilitates online group workshops for couples where they can learn, practice and discuss with other couples things like attachment, communication, managing differences, physical intimacy, and goals. Brian also hosts a podcast called “The Remarried Life” to help individuals recover from divorce, regain self confidence, and work through the many hurdles that blended families have. He lives in Richmond, VA with his wife Heather and two cats. They are also both excited to celebrate their daughter's wedding and marriage later this year. LISTEN & LEARN: The impact a single day workshop can provide for clients. Experiential techniques for helping couples connect without words. Ability to expand one's reach and help more people through retreats and events. Qualify for $100 off the Couples Workshop using promo code "TCP100" RESOURCES MENTIONED ON THE SHOW: Brian's website https://www.richmondmarriagecounseling.com/couplesworkshop.html The Remarried Life Podcast

Brian Mayer talks about some quick things you and your family can do to save time.  The biggest difficulty that blended families face is feeling that there is not enough time left over in our days and weeks to breathe and even connect with each other.  In today's episode it is all about doing some practical things to create more time and space.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies If you want more time to relax or to even just quietly connect with your partner and the kids then this episode is for you. I am going to give you my top 10 hacks to create that time and space. By the way if you don't know, a “hack” is a term probably coined over the last few years.  According to Wikipedia in short it means something like “a trick or shortcut to increase productivity.”  So let's not waste any more of your time. Here they are:   Ask yourself these two questions with everything that you face: “Is it important?” and “Can I do anything about it?”  By asking these questions, you may be able to either eliminate some things or reduce the amount of energy spent on them.  Do much of your food prep for the week in one block of time, say two hours on a Sunday for example. You would be surprised that you will probably gain that time and more back. If you exercise, wake up earlier and do it then. This is a had one to do, but once you get in the habit you might find it becomes easier. 10 minute pick-up. This involves everyone in the family doing a quick pick up of the clutter around the house and placing back in the proper area.  This is something you might do every evening or maybe once every few days.  If you enjoy watching television, record your favorite programs or watch them on demand later. You can often fast forward through commercials saving time.  Brainstorm with your partner ways to save time getting the kids to all the appropriate activities. Of course during our time in COVID this may not make sense.  Take advantage of the new grocery pick-up that many stores offer. This could save you at least an hour every week.  Use something called the Pomodoro Technique. The crux of this idea is to set a timer for 25 minutes to complete each task we must do.  We often will complete tasks in however much time we are given.  You know what I am talking about.  At work if the boss gives us two weeks then by golly we will take that long….stopping and starting etc.  If the boss gives us one day, we will move through it without as many stops and starts.  Ask for help. This one is tough for those of us who don't like to delegate.  Reduce your shower/bath to a few times a week. Unless of course you sweat and get grimy, science says a few times a week should suffice.  Of course the armpits and groin area can tend to get smelly so those may be need to be focused on daily.  I hope some of these quick hacks have helped you to think about getting some time back. Speaking of getting some time back, I am going to take 4-6 weeks off from producing new episodes to focus on some other things around The Remarried Life like the email newsletter and continued development of the relationship building workshop. Brian's Lasting Connection Workshop I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day. The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar. The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship. The current workshops are held on Friday's from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates: March 19, 2021 April 16, 2021 May 21, 2021 For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support. Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop Click on one of the dates that works best. Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100 The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off. Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.     Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about taking time to work on your relationship with the help of a marriage workshop.  Whether your relationship is incredibly strong, needs help in a few areas, or even needs a complete overhaul, then spending one full day working together can reap extreme rewards.  Today we will discuss the power of devoting time in a workshop with a trained facilitator that can have positive benefits.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Relationships especially the ones between us the person we love most in the world can be some of the most wonderful and the most difficult. There are of course lots of reasons for this. Probably the biggest reason is how intertwined our lives are from the emotional connection, the physical connection, parenting, finances, leisure time activities and on and on.  Another reason it can be the most wonderful is the amount of time you spend together. Even though we might spend a lot of time at work, most likely are still spending more time with our spouse even if some of it is while asleep.  The number of decisions you must try to make while being collaborative can also be an extremely positive thing but when it is not working can also be the most frustrating. There are all sorts of things you can do to help your relationship get to a better place or to even strengthen beyond where it may already be. You could read a good relationship book together. How about a workbook with items to fill out and exercises to complete together.   You can take a relationship quiz. The 5 Love Language quiz is one that comes to mind.  This was an idea developed by Gary Chapman in which his theory that we have one or two ways in which we liked to be loved above others.  You can join a small group of other couples especially in church like settings. You could take a vacation together just the two of you to relax and work on being present with each other since the kids and other distractions are not there. You can attend couples counseling together. Usually couples counseling involves 1 hour sessions once or twice a week.  Depending on the level of severity of the issue, some couples will devote a couple of months to the process.  Some may take longer, a year or more especially if there has been a significant betrayal of trust like infidelity.  So all sorts of great things you can do to strengthen your relationship. But might I propose in something that I believe in more strongly that the suggestions listed above for most couples?  It is a Marriage or Relationship Building Workshop which can benefit those that are married or unmarried. Workshops can run for a few hours, one full day, and in some cases for 2-3 days. Group workshops are held for several couples at once. Some groups offer smaller more intimate settings with like 10 or few couples.  Some group workshops are held for hundreds of couples.  Pros of a Group Workshop: The biggest pro is that the more couples present the more you may be able to learn from others and also more opportunities to share with other couples.  Obviously this depends on how many couples are present and also how much time is devoted for discussion and/or having periods to gather with a few couples at a time. The potential negative of a group forum is less time interacting with the facilitator. Also, while most workshops do not pressure couples to speak or publicly disclose, it may still feel less private than working one on one with a facilitator.  Private couples workshops are held for one couple at a time. In this case there is usually just the facilitator and the one couple working together for the entirety of the workshop.  The positive and negative can often be the opposite of the group workshop. The potential positive is again getting more time with the facilitator where you can ask questions and get more feedback when engaging in exercises with your partner. It can also feel more private and you can feel more at ease to dive into something deeper especially during the exercises. The negative might be not having other couples facing similar issues that you can have some time during exercises and or breaks to talk to. With a private group this is not possible.            Live Online or In Person? This is another thing to think about when selecting a workshop. Many are offered live and online while many others are offered online.  Of course in the time while we are all still dealing with the social distancing and masks etc, online workshops might be more appealing. Also depending on your hectic schedules finding something online could also work better. Format of workshops: All workshops may be run a bit differently, but usually there are 3-4 very common processes that take place. First, there is a time for education where the facilitator may take some time to discuss something like emotional connection, communication, conflict, intimacy, or goals just to name a few. Couples exercises where the couple gets to experience in real time some activities or discussions about the learnings they just had on a particular topic. Group Discussion often will follow the exercises (or discussion with the facilitator if a private workshop) so that the couples can learn and share with each other Assessments (or surveys) are often given to the couples on various topics around relationships. This helps the couples better understand each other and the dynamics that may be present between them.  In my opinion relationship building workshops are in the sweet spot of things you can do and try to increase your relationship satisfaction. Reading books or completing workbooks on your own sometimes takes discipline to maintain consistency. On the other end things like couples counseling over a period of months or a week's vacation can involve a lot of time and great expense. A relationship building workshop puts the discipline of consistency at least during the workshop on the facilitator's shoulders. You simply show up and follow the prompting of the facilitator.  Also the time involved to take a relationship building workshop is much shorter and involves taking less time away from family or work. There is currently research underway that is suggesting that an intensive workshop may have equal or better benefit and just as long last results as months of couples counseling. Brian's Lasting Connection Workshop I am currently offering a relationship building workshop that takes place over the course of 1 day. The workshops are offered live online through Zoom which many of you are now familiar. The workshops are done in a group setting with other couples and use the format we just talked about which involves periods of education, application (couples exercises to practice), group discussion, and assessments (surveys) to take about your relationship. The current workshops are held on Friday's from 8 am – 4:30 pm Eastern Time on the following dates: March 19, 2021 April 16, 2021 May 21, 2021 For listeners of the Remarried Life Podcast, I am offering $100 off to show my appreciation for your support. Go to following link: theremarriedlife.com/workshop Click on one of the dates that works best. Then enter the Promo Code: TRL100 The promo code may only stay around for those 3 workshops so act now to get $100 off. Hope to see you at the workshop with your partner.     Resources: Brian's Virtual Couples Workshop The 5 Love Languages 5 Love Languages Quiz The Love Dare The Respect Dare Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about parental alienation after divorce.  Parental alienation happens when one or both parents either knowingly or unknowingly talk ill about each other to the children.  This can cause children to begin to carry a unnecessary burden of negative feelings toward a parent.  We will talk about this issue and what to do about it today.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When a divorce happens, negative feelings by one or both ex-spouses is very common. It can actually be somewhat more rare that a divorce ends amicable and on good terms.  If it ends on good terms, where you both remain good friends then of course more positive feelings toward each other will be present. Those positive feelings will most likely flow over into discussions about each other to the kids.  But what happens if your marriage ended on a rather bad note. And what if you really don't have a friendship with your former partner?  Sometimes but not always depending on the level of upset and anger toward each other, can lend itself to this idea of parental alienation What is parental alienation? This term was apparently coined back in 1985 by child psychologist Richard Gardner.  He actually called in Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).  Gardner focused on the behaviors in the children who has been exposed to something like as the signal that this is happening for the child. Those behaviors include: Denigration: The child repeatedly complains about one parent over and over again. Frivolous Rationalization: This involves the child giving a weak reason for not wanting to see the targeted parent again.  Lack of Ambivalence: Ambivalence actually means we are torn mental and emotional about something.  We can see good and bad.  In parental alienation, the child no longer see both sides but rather all negative.  Independent Thinker: This happens when the child seems to suggest that everything they think about their parent has come from within and that none came from the other parent.  Automatic/Reflexive Support: The child always chooses the side of one parent over another no matter what the topic.  Absence of Guilt: The child will say and do very disrespectful things and have no remorse or feelings of guilt. Borrowed Scenarios: This involves the child giving the exact same story that a preferred parent gives and will often even use the same words.  Spread of Animosity: This involves the child expanding the anger toward other family and friends of the targeted parent.  This sounds like a lot to deal with and of course if you are witnessing any of the signs in your children then it may mean that something like parental alienation is happening. So what do you do about this? It may take awhile to unravel but it can be done.  Here are some suggestions to decrease parental alienation. If you are the parent responsible for the parental alienation: Awareness of the burden you are placing on your child is the first step. Taking responsibility for what you are doing and talking it out with your child (obviously age appropriate) is very important. Working to instill more neutral or positive comments about the other parent will be important. If you are the parent on the receiving end of the alienation: First take stock in what you are doing and saying to understand if you still may have some responsibility. Obviously make changes.  If you truly believe it is a case of alienation, then talking to the other parent is important. Simply explain that for the mental and emotional health of the child that it is important not to pressure the child to take sides.  If you are unable to talk to the parent or the parent is unwilling to take responsibility, have a discussion with your child. Again age appropriateness is important here.  If the child is older and willing, the child can discuss with the other parent that hearing negative is not helpful.  What if you are a step parent and your spouse is the target of parental alienation: Support for your spouse but just being there for him/her through this is most important. Of course you can also play a key role in making a positive environment for your stepchildren can help. Constantly communicating the good that the children are doing is also important. Kids when they become adults will often complain that the one or both parents would never point out the positive in others or themselves.  This is certainly a tough topic and not an easy one to navigate. So be patient as this one may take some time to unwind from.  Resources: None Mentioned  Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about keeping it simple in your remarriage and blended family.  Utilizing 4 Mantras from Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh can help you be happier in the present moments with those you love the most.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Often we like to meet complexity with complexity in our blended family. Often with so many things going on and swirling we often try to hard to do too much.  But what if we think about the issues in a different way and work to meet complexity with simplicity instead. We often don't think about doing something like this because we are so emotionally and mentally charged that we let our mind and body run together at an extremely fast clip because we feel like we need to keep up.  Thich Nhat Hanh is rather well known Buddhist Monk who was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey a few years back. In the interview he talked about 4 Mantras that when practiced with the ones you love can bring about happiness to us individually and also to us as a couple and to the family unit.  Let's Talk about his 4 Mantras: Darling, I Am Here For You Darling, I Know That You are There, and That Makes Me So Happy Beloved One, I know you are suffering. That is Why I am Here For You Beloved One, I am Suffering. I Am Trying My Best to Practice.  Please Help Me.  While these are words to be spoken, what is most important through all of these is simply your presence. You are not preoccupied with other things, but are truly and genuinely mentally, emotionally, and physically present with your partner.  All too often we want to solve our partner's problems. It is much too soon for that.  All our partner usually wants to know is are we there and do we care?  Sometimes we get frustrated at the same complaint over and over again. This takes practice to be what is called long suffering through what you or your partner are going through.  Again simply be there and acknowledge that you see the issue and the pain and hurt that are present. If you do these things, most likely you will see your relationships with your partner and family bloom like a flower in the words of Hanh   Resources: Thich Nhat Hanh 4 Mantras Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer and his wife Heather discuss how the chaotic and complicated blended family life doesn't always have to be that way.  With just some simple small changes you can take your blended family life from what we like to call the “hot mess express” to “organization station.”  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you feel like blended family life is always bringing new and surprising things everyday. Well of course sometimes these changes can bring positivity and good feelings but often the quick changes can bring upset and negativity into the blended family.  Of course there will be things like sickness that come up and if you have a blended family with lots of children you may experience this much more than you would like. Or an extracurricular activity brings seasons where more is expected and you have to take more time away.  Or maybe an ex-spouse that needs to go away on business and is now asking you to take on more time with the kids over the next few weeks. As a result you are left scrambling to try to make things work.  But there is plenty in life that we do have some control over and that is really what we want to talk about today. Let's talk about how to take your family from the “Hot Mess Express” to “Organization Station.” And as we talk about these things, we are going to be talking about more than just the physical space in which you live.  This can also be where you better organize your lives emotionally and physically.  But before we jump into some of our tips around getting more organized, Heather tell us where in the world did these phrases come from? Heather describes that they come from her experience as school teacher of elementary age students. She works with them to get move them from cluttered and chaotic to more orderly and systematic processes for how they work.  So with that what are some tips to help blended families with getting more organized.   Shared calendar 10 minute clean up Couch time Date night Family Spring cleaning – Keep Donate Sell 5 Min Agenda Discussion Morning Communicate About Expenses Your Ideas   These are just some very simple things you can implement to help keep your life feeling more organized. Don't worry about trying to implement all of these.  Just take one or two and try them.  And also as we mentioned maybe there is something you have been thinking about doing that you would like to do that is not on the list.  Most of all just keep trying. If something does not work, keep trying it for awhile or pivot to something else that might work better.       Resources: None Mentioned.  Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks with relationship coach Emily Hill about forgiveness.  This is a topic that is a difficult one for lots of us to grasp and understand.  So happy to her back on the podcast as she talked about relationships and mental health on Episode 161 so feel free to check that one out as well.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In your opinion what is Forgiveness? What is Forgiveness not?  For example does forgiveness mean you trust again?   Can/Should someone forgive before they are ready?  Or is it a process?   Why do some people have a more difficult time forgiving?   Talk about Your Experience Working with helping people forgive after divorce or breakup?   Is forgiving oneself just as important?   What else would you like the audience to know about forgiveness? Talk about your Facebook group and anything else you might like the listener to know about you.   Resources: Emily Hill's Facebook Page   Desperate for Peace Facebook Group Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how being in a blended family with everything that you responsible for can make you feel trapped.  This is a very common feeling and a common reality.  We will talk today about how to plan to do what you really want to do with the rest of your life.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you feel stuck? Do you feel like you are in a rut?  If you are listening to this episode close to the time of publishing you surely might be feeling an extra dose of this because of the constraints we are under due to this pandemic.  But on the bright side, what better time it might be than now to assess where you have been, where you are now and where you want to go with your future. If you would we will go on a journey to talk a bit through my life so that you might see how I got to where I am now which includes being a podcast host, running my own couples therapy practice, and heading up a volunteer marriage mentoring ministry. If you just met me you might think this journey has been easy but as for all of us it is never easy and we often don't see the heartache and pain that goes into getting us where we hope to be one day. As I talk about my journey, I want you after this episode to also think about your past, present and hopeful future as a guide to help you in your journey. So again how did I get to where I am now, as a podcaster with several thousand downloads every month that helps those that are remarried and in blended families, a successful couples therapist who owns his own practice, and who heads up a marriage mentoring ministry with his wife? Lets go way back to start. I was born in 1971 as the first and only child. A couple of years later my parents divorced.  So I was probably around 2 years old.  I don't really have any memories of my parents being together.  So that being said, my entire childhood that I can remember was spent in split households, with blended family experiences starting in both households sometime maybe a few years after that. My mother met a man who did not have children and they later would have a daughter together who of course would be my “half-sister.” My mother would later divorce a second time.  She met her third husband when I was probably around 17 years of age.  Unfortunately she suffered a massive aneurism about a year into their marriage and she passed away 2 years later.  They did not have any children together.  Her third husband took custody of my “half-sister” from her second marriage. Are you following this?    On the other side, my father met my stepmother. She had a son who was about 6 years younger than I was.  He would of course become my stepbrother.  They then had a son together who is about 9 years younger than I am who is of course my half brother.  So are you starting to see where the seeds of this podcast came from and my other present work? Now of course at that I would have never thought that this would be what I was doing.  Mainly because I had other thoughts like wanting to be an astronaut when I was a child.  And of course there was no such thing as podcasting.    Fast forward to my adult life. I met my first wife when I was 17 years old.  So really not my adult life yet.  This was honestly as I used to look back a period of deep regret.  I met her the summer before going away to college at Purdue University a few hours away from my home in Cincinnati.  I was a kid of who had fallen head over heels for someone and I could not concentrate on my studies.  So I returned home much to the chagrin and upset of my mother.  My first wife had a child when we met who would become my stepson. We were both 22 when we got married.  The marriage lasted 5 years.  During that time however, my daughter was born probably 3 years into the marriage.  After the marriage ended, for the next 6 years I dated but I suppose would be considered single. If you have listened to this podcast for any length of time you know that I went through a rather terrible depression for probably 3-4 of those years.  The depression became so bad that I decided a move to another state might be best. I had primary custody of my daughter and we moved from Ohio to Florida.  It took even a few years after that for the depression to lift.  I would say time and the sunshine of Florida probably didn't hurt!  So let me ask again as we all look back on what I describe can you see where my life might be headed? Now of course in my work with couples we talk a lot about childhood and for some running away from the types of issues is one way to move forward and running into them is another.  Probably for awhile I chose to run away but something changed that helped propel me to run into the direction of helping others.  The thing that happened that slowly started to change things involved meeting my current wife. She did not have any children and because of a cancer she went through when we first met we ultimately did not have any children together.  So all that being said my daughter grew up in my home as only child but yet she was in a blended family.  As a side note, my ex-wife got remarried. She and her husband had another child together.  So my daughter spent time in that home which was probably the more real blended family type experience.  Okay so back to what started changing for me. So as our marriage progressed it was incredibly strong and connected with one exception.  And that involved beliefs on how to raise and discipline my daughter.  However, after several years we figured out better ways and compromises that helped.  After those difficulties and obstacles were successfully dealt with, our marriage took off to an even better place. As a result we approached the church we attended in Florida to start some kind of marriage help. It never really got off the ground but set that stage for what was to come.  Again are you seeing where this is headed?  As we talk just remember to think about your own life journey for clues to where you should head.  And it doesn't have to be in the direction of the fire.  Maybe it is in the opposite direction?  Either way is okay!  So fast forward a bit and the insurance company I worked for at the time transferred us to Virginia which is where we are now and have been for the past 12 years. A marriage mentoring ministry was created and my wife and I were asked to be a part of it. I enjoyed it so much that we decided that I should change careers from insurance to counseling.  This was a long and difficult financial journey.  It was one I thought about quitting several times.  How about you?   Have you had something tough you have thought about quitting?  Simultaneously everything came together. The pivotal years were 2017 and 2018.  During those years, I created this “The Remarried Life Podcast,” started my own private practice to help couples, and then my wife and I were named leaders of the marriage mentoring program because the prior leaders moved to another city.  So I want you to look across your life for clues about where you might want to go and what you want to do. I still have even more dreams and for the sake of time on this broadcast today will not get into.  But I hope you are just as excited about your future as I am mine.  Take care and thanks for listening.       Resources: Take care and thanks for listening.     Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part 3 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we the attempts we make at emotionally connecting with each other. In most couples relationships, there is a dynamic present called Pursuer Withdrawer. The Pursuer is usually the one in the relationship that brings up issues and complaints more often.  The Withdrawer is the one that usually defends, deflects, or shuts down amid these complaints.  As you can imagine a very negative cycle of feelings can generate as a result of this dynamic thus reducing this positivity we are trying to work hard to generate in your relationship and your blended family. So what do we do here. Well lets start with you Pursuers out there.  For Pursuers you should cherish when your Withdrawing partner does make an attempt to do something that you have been asking for. It is certainly easy to focus on the times your partner doesn't come through for you, but appreciation when something is done positively can have a, well positive effect.  For Withdrawers, you simply need to make more attempts and do a little more of what your Pursuer partner is asking for. Now of course if it is presented in the form of a criticism then of course that can be difficult to overcome.  A quick discussion about delivering something in a different way can help.     If you both can do those simple things when it comes to attempts it can certainly help with the positive feelings. Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part 2 of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on accepting more influence from our partner. John Gottman a very well known couples and relationship researcher, discovered that the more influence each person allowed the other to exert in the relationship the happier that relationship usually is. So what does it mean to allow your partner to have some influence. Maybe on a Saturday if nothing is planned and your partner has some ideas about what to do, accepting influence means starting with a more positive response and attempting to go more often with what your partner wants. So if your spouse says they really want to go antique shopping and want you to go along, accepting influence would mean that you would do your best to make this happen. Gottman says that relationships in which men allow women to exert more influence, are generally happier than those that are the other way around. He says that women typically will allow influence of their male partners almost by nature.  But he says men typically are not wired this way.  So I would encourage both of you but maybe the men more often to allow partners to have influence when it comes to decision making both small and large.    Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how to maintain a positive perspective within you blended family.  Negativity can become a very common mental state for many if not all members of the family.  In this three part series we will take a look at ways you may not have thought of to help maintain more positivity for you personally and in your relationships with your family.    We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Today in part one of our series on maintaining more positivity, we will focus on living out and making decisions through the lens of our core values. Often when our internal compass aligns with what happens on the outside whether again it be with our view on the most important things in life or how we make decisions, we can often feel more joy. So what are core values? Most would say they are fundamental beliefs or guiding principles.  Get in touch with your core values by doing a simple search on the internet for a list of common core values. Then take some time find 3-5 that really speak to you and that help you understand how you would like to live your life.  Next determine if your decision making is aligned with those values. If it is not then think about ways to start doing more of that.  Now of course you won't be able to 100% of the time make decisions that will align, but the more you can do it the better As a fun exercise between partners, I would encourage you each to find the core value that speaks most to each of you. Then role play a discussion on one of you maintaining your core value while the other has to give up their core value.  Then discuss how the conversation went. You can learn a lot about each other by doing something like that.  Again though getting in touch more with your core values and even your partners core values can help maintain more positivity. You might even want to get the kids involved in the core value discussion.  Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how as stepparents that we too can also do things that the stepchildren will remember for a lifetime.  These things can generate positive feelings in the future for your stepchildren.  Hard to do because it may seem like they don't like you now, but often that turns around in adulthood.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Often as a stepparent, I hear others say things like “I don't matter” or “I feel like an outsider” or “The kids don't listen to me.” No doubt these are real and valid feelings and sometimes actually going on in a family dynamic.  Being a stepparent is often like coming into a well established television show where one actor left for various reasons and another was brought in to actually play the same character. Most often are initial reactions are more negative.  We build an affinity for those we know and trust. But over time those feelings can fade somewhat as we begin to develop new thought and feelings toward our relationship with others.  A silly little example this involved the show, “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” which starred Will Smith. The show lasted for about 6 years.  Vivian Banks was played in the first 3 seasons by Janet Hubert and the last 3 by Daphne Maxwell Reid.  Of course when the switch came it upset many viewers me included, but as the change matured an affinity developed for Daphne as the new mom by many.  In the same way, a stepfamily can often develop in the same way. However, we would like to propose that we do a bit more to nudge us in that direction but with a major focus on your stepchild's future as an adult and the memories that are created as a child.  In my own experience there were a few childhood memories that really stand out that if I am honest probably were pushed more by my stepmother than my father. These really stand out as positive memories now.  The first memory is that Christmas ornaments were bought every year for each child and our names were etched on each. I still have these ornaments today and proudly hang them on the tree.  A second memory involves getting a T-shirt every year for my birthday with a number that represented my age. I remember receiving these around ages 6-13 or so.  I still remember the number 7 shirt, was green with a white number.  There is something about things that are done with repetition that can hold some significant deep meaning in our lives. Do something once and the memory often doesn't hold.  Do something more than once but randomly, often the memory will hold but the meaning and the deep emotional connection won't happen. Do something repeatedly with regularity aligned with a certain like say every Friday or every birthday or every morning and then the memory not only holds, but it can create a positive emotion which will cement the significance even further. So all that being said what are some ideas for some things you can do to help your stepchild look back fondly on a tradition and maybe even implement this same tradition in their lives as adults. Here are some suggestions: Every morning, spend 5 minutes asking your child about their day including what they are excited about and anything they are anxious about. Once a week do a game night or a fun food night. Try as best you can to make this a regular thing.  If once a week is too much, then maybe once every 2 weeks or once a month.  A small token like a Christmas ornament with a name inscribed or the T-shirt with age on it as was done in my childhood. Or really any other small material tangible item that a child might be able to have for awhile or even years.  Read to your child regularly and once they can read to you have them do it. Do something for someone in need. Say every Thanksgiving, prepare a meal for a family that might not have what you have.  Make sure to involve the kids in the planning and delivery of the meal.  What ideas do you have? What ideas do your stepkids have? Creating lasting positive memories is way that you can ensure that tough times now will be viewed through a different lens as the stepchildren get older. A lasting legacy can start with some small changes today in your stepfamily. What will you do? Resources: None Mentioned Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how hurt, hate and wounds can create division in a family and in a society.  We will talk about this and also some things we can do as individuals to help heal past relationships, current family situations, and maybe help society as a whole in the process. We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies With divorce and blending a new family, there often times comes a lot of hurt, pain and upset over situations progressing in a way that is counter to what we had hoped it could or can be. All sorts of emotions like sadness, fear, anger, shock just to name a few can often overwhelm us and cause us to make decisions and do things that often worsen the situation. As I have mentioned I dealt with a lot of fear over the unknown when going through my divorce and that translated to a lot of anger unfortunately. Often my words deepened the pain that we were all going through.  So wounds were obviously created by actions we both took but I will take responsibility to say that I know that I played a large role in probably widening the wounds. The good thing though about wounds is that they can heal. If we think about the body, immediately after surgery the mechanisms of the body will begin to heal itself.  Things like swelling we often think as bad, is actually a good thing because it is a sign that the body is working to heal what has just happened to it.  In the same way we can often do things like hide or close off to protect ourselves from the pain of emotional hurt. Just like swelling in the body, this is probably good for a time.  However, if it lingers for longer than necessary then it becomes an issue.  When pain and hurt linger for a long time (and what that time is we don't really know), it is time to start to deal with it to move forward. Obviously when pain and hurt involve two people it is so much the better that they come together to work on healing together. Unfortunately, in our society we are not seeing much of that right now.  Actions being taken in so many areas never seem to be taken responsibility for to mend fences.  We will talk about some simple things you can do today to help mend something between you and maybe your ex-spouse, your current spouse, or maybe a child that has caused an emotional separation.   How about simply say you are sorry for even a small part of the issue. This is tough for some people especially those that grew never having it modeled.  Or sometimes it is difficult because some people feel even worse about themselves when they say this and so they will avoid it.  Listen to the pain you may have caused. Have a LOVE conversation. I am not sure who coined this phrase, but each letter represents something important.  Listen with an Open Heart, Validate at least some of the other person's experience, and Empathize with how they are feeling. Work on any anger, resentment and bitterness that has developed within yourself. If you are a Christian, then pray for it to be released by God.  If you practice some other form of religion where you believe in something outside of yourself then certainly pray for it to be released.  Ask for Forgiveness. This simply means you are asking for the other person to stop holding the issue against you with negative thoughts of their own.  Now a caveat here, is you may hear back that you are not forgiven and if that happens this is now their burden to bear.    Healing does take time, but it is possible. But in order to do that we must stop doing what we have always done.      Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Attorney Brian Mayer is a seasoned California-licensed Family Law attorney with 15 years of experience in high-conflict child custody litigation. He has a YouTube Channel, Brian T. Mayer, Esquire, where he discusses strategies for contending with the problems that sometimes arise in custody matters. Also discussed is how Narcissistic parents and co-parents come in to play as well as Parental Alienation. Attorney Mayer can be reached at The Law Office of Brian Mayer, 337 N. Vineyard Ave., Suite 400, Ontario California 91764. His office phone number is: 909-259-9908. His email address is: brian@mayerlegal.com and http://mayerlegal.com. Music provided by mictechmusic@yahoo.com dismantlingfamilycourtcorruption.com https://www.buymeacoffee.com/maryannpetri

Attorney Brian Mayer is a seasoned California-licensed Family Law attorney with 15 years of experience in high-conflict child custody litigation. He has a YouTube Channel, Brian T. Mayer, Esquire, where he discusses strategies for contending with the problems that sometime arise in custody matters. Also discussed is how Narcissistic parents and co-parents come in to play as well as Parental Alienation. Attorney Mayer can be reached at The Law Office of Brian Mayer, 337 N. Vineyard Ave., Suite 400, Ontario California 91764. His office phone number is: 909-259-9908. His email address is: brian@mayerlegal.com and http://mayerlegal.com A real eye-opener and a learning experience with Attorney Mayer was much appreciated on Slam the Gavel!dismantlingfamilycourtcorruption.commictechmusic@yahoo.com

Brian Mayer talks about times have changed where the politics of the day have become much about how much hate and venom we can spew at one another.  The political mismatch and the passion that flows from it can also be present in our homes.  Are you and your spouse politically mismatched?  Let's talk about this today and some ways to handle keeping the powder keg from exploding.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Elections happen all the time and what better time can we talk about politics and the effect on your relationship with your spouse than now. Many couples are politically on the same side of the aisle, but many more than we often think are on opposite sides of many of the issues. Where do you and your spouse stand?  Same side on many issues, same side and some but not all issues, or on completely different sides.  Not sure where I heard this, but up to 40% of all couples are apparently politically mismatched. That is a lot!  Are you one of those couples?  Maybe you are a couple that completely agrees on most issues, maybe you disagree on some or maybe you disagree on most. If you disagree on most you are definitely not alone. If you do disagree on most, are you a couple that gets along through the disagreements or not?  If you don't get along through, you might wonder who that is possible. Well probably the most famous politically divided couple are James Carville and Mary Matalin.  But again how do they do it.  Carville once said that loving his wife is more important than politics.  Not sure exactly how that plays in their relationship but have to assume they keep the arguing in check.  So how does it work for the two of you? Do you get heated when it comes to politics?  Are you both so passionate that you just want to be heard but aren't?  What do you do about it?  We have some thoughts about that today. If you have listened to the podcast for any length of time you know that we focus on the process and not so much the outcome and today is no different.    Ask if Your Partner is open to hearing something you are passionate about first Speak to Share and not to Persuade Listen to Understand and Not Respond Watch Your Tone and Body Language Try as best you can to understand that there could be another way, but at the end of the day that does mean that you have to change your position Ask each other when these opinions developed. Was it childhood?  Was it because of a specific life event that shaped your belief? Be careful not to interrupt which is of course not modeled politically Also be careful not to shut down Don't go on and on and on, otherwise you could be inviting an interruption or a shutdown.   Ultimately it isn't about solving these disagreements, but more just being careful with how you approach and talk about these heated topics with your spouse.   Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how often we want our ex-spouse to change how they handle all sorts of issues from dinner time, to bedtimes, to homework versus play time, and on the list goes.  However, we can often find this doesn't really get us anywhere and just leaves us more and more frustrated.  We will talk about this all too common issue in the life of divorced and blended families.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies No doubt we all want what's best for our kids. And we work to make that happen in our own homes.  Whether it be to set appropriate bedtimes, fix nutritious meals, keep set homework versus times to have fun and play, chores for the kids to do, and a lot of other things.   Your home might run like a well oiled machine and that's great. But like most maybe it runs pretty well but has its snags.  But ultimately, you believe you provide the best environment possible for your kids.    But what do you do when you truly believe your ex-spouse does not run their household in the healthiest manner possible for your kids.   No doubt for most of us, this issue has come up either with very small things or could be that you are just completely at odds over the entire way in which your spouse runs their home. So what do you do?    Let's talk today about some things to keep in mind when it comes to this difference of opinion on how the homes are managed.   Are you disagreeing because of any unresolved anger over the relationship?   Notice your triggers. Are the issues over something especially triggering for you?  For example, let's say growing up as a child you were overweight because of the types of food that were served in your home?  If you start to notice a similar pattern in your ex-spouse house, this could cause an inflated response.    Is anything illegal going on? Is there a situation where substance abuse or neglect because your ex-spouse is going out and leaving young children at home alone.    In our new COVID world is there a difference in how the kids see others.   Is it a few issues or a lot? Are we talking just a minor issue with bedtime or again is it everything that is at odds with how you might handle.    What Should You Do?   First dig within yourself to understand if there are truly issues or if your anger is getting the best of you. Have a gentle conversation with your ex-spouse. Point out these are differences and you wonder if the two of you might be able to come to consistency with the kids.  As you are having these conversations, ultimately explain to your spouse that realize you both run things differently and understand if compromise cannot happen. Could you actually change the way you do something? Maybe you are the more rigid or loose with rules and maybe you could switch?  Talk to the kids about the impact of the differences? Hopefully approaching it from the standpoint where everyone has a say can be helpful. Finally and actually this should be the first thing, but if something illegal is happening, then the police and the law should of course be brought in. Obviously a tough subject and there may not be a completely best or right answer, but hope that some of these things we have talked about can help you to navigate this sensitive topic. Resources: None Today Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Groupis a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about doing the same things over and over again sometimes doesn't produce the result we want in our blended family.  So let's take a look at everything we are doing that is not working and do the opposite for one week.  Let's call it an experiment.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When we are remarried and in blended families everything doesn't go right all the time and in fact sometimes it's the same things that don't go well over and over again that are the most troublesome.  But we get into a rut or we just remain unaware that our actions aren't producing anything different.  We all do this and yes of course I do this too.  For example maybe getting angry over and over again at the kids for not knowing how to do something happens all the time.  Or maybe in a fight or argument with your spouse, you tend to keep pushing because your spouse shuts down and won't talk.  Or how about you clam up around your spouse's family because they upset you.  Then when you are alone you get upset at your spouse for not sticking up for you.  These three situations I just described are situations that possibly keep occurring over and over again.  The results can tend to be the same.  Hurt feelings, disconnection and a further drift away from the family you want and hope for. So what do we do?  Well let's take a look at a couple of people who thought that doing different might work better.  Albert Einstein is often credited with coining the phrase, “Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the definition of insanity.” Remember the television show Seinfeld?  Remember the episode where George decided to do the opposite?  George could never seem to get the girl by inflating his situation to be better than it seemed.  For example, he would talk about how much money he made, what kind of wonderful job he had, or the beautiful apartment he had only to have women shrug him off.  However, when he was honest and told them he was jobless and living in his parent's basement, then women started to take notice.   A couples researcher named Sue Johnson who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy did the opposite of what many of the people who came before or even her peers did.  She focused on emotional connection rather than behaviors that one must perform.  Most laughed at her, but now her theory to help couples has been proven in research to work the best.  These are really just a few examples of people that said things differently or acted differently to achieve some different results.  I would like for one week to take a look at everything we are doing in our remarriage and blended family.  Assess those things that you do over and over again that don't work too well.  And let's think about doing the opposite.  Now let's only take 3 things at the very most.  We can't change everything over night and if we tried we would all fail.  So I want you to concentrate on only a few things.  Step 1:  Get out a piece of paper and write down every area that you can think of that is not going how you would like it in your blended family.  Step 2:  Assess the urgent areas and the areas that you think you can change rather quickly and easily.  Step 3:  Work to hone the list down to 3 areas that you would like to focus on.  Step 4:  Think about the role you play or the actions you perform in this situation that might have an impact on what result happens.  Step 5:  Brainstorm some actions that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do.  Step 6:  Pick one of those different actions to try for the week.  Step 7:  Assess your progress in the middle of the week.  Are you noticing a difference in how you are feeling?  How your spouse or kids are feeling?  Are the results any different?    Step 8:  Keep doing the same action and don't give up just yet and maybe don't worry about tweaking.  Sometimes we try something for a brief period and think it doesn't work so we give up.  Don't do this!  Step 9:  Assess at the end of one week.  How is it now?  I would even resist the temptation to change at the end of one week and to keep doing it differently if you can.  Step 10:  At some point reveal to your spouse or kids that you were trying something different and ask them if they noticed?  Hopefully they did notice and if not don't give up to continue to do something different.  I hope this episode gives you some practical tips to help to change the air or dynamic in your remarried life for the better.   Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how the longer we stay in a relationship we can often wonder the changes in how we feel toward our partner mean we don't love them any longer or is it that we have just moved into a different stage of relationship.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies When you first meet someone that you are physically attracted to, conversation goes well, and you find many things in common, all sorts of feel good hormones start to activate.  Serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins have long been studied and been found to be released that promote feelings of pleasure and happiness.  It also affects bodily processes like heart rate and digestion.  I am pretty sure this is what was going during the initial stages of my relationship with my wife when we kissed.  We were at the park and I kind of got lost in a kiss and forgot that we were around others.  My wife who was my girlfriend at the time, stopped us at some point and said you know we had better stop because there are kids around. Honestly just before that moment again I became so unaware of my surroundings.  It was as if those feel good hormones were racing around so much that it dulled any sense of anxiety or worry about what was going on around me.  Obviously as I sort of snapped back to reality, I realized what was going on around me and resisted.  This was certainly a time no doubt that you could say that I was deep in love with my wife.  Now it could be argued that this maybe was also a period of lust as well.  Because truth be told, those kisses and touches in the early stages are usually about feeling like we are first getting our wants met and then secondarily meeting the wants of our partner.  Now something certainly does change over time and we begin to not feel the feel good hormones racing around like we once did.  Why do these feel good hormones slow or even stop?  This is complicated and there are many reasons: Issues such as menopause.  There is some research that says that both men and women go through something like this.  Of course for women, it is well documented.  Pregnancy can cause fluctuations in hormones and change what feels good.  It is the body's way of sending resources to other places. Alcohol or substance use and abuse can certainly cause wide fluctuations.  Sometimes they can increase but most often settle back or often dim down completely.  This is of course why it can take more and more of the alcohol or substance to get to the desired effect. Age in general can cause the systems to change. Significantly distressing negative events in our life.  If we have had some negative events like a divorce, or loss of job, bankruptcy etc can rob us of a general happiness.  Things like Anxiety and Depression can again dim or happiness.  Sometimes those with depression often describe seeing the world through darkly tinted glasses that they cannot take off.  The love of our spouse has moved from that sort of lustful limerence into a deeper more committed type love.  This type of love helps us stay connected for the long haul, but often we confuse this with falling out of love.  So what if after talking through all of this, you still believe that you truly have fallen out of love with your spouse?  It is certainly possible because really does anyone truly and completely understand love and what it is? Just like the brain, just like microscopic creatures in the depths of the oceans, just like distant black holes in the outer reaches of the galaxy, no one really fully understands what love really is.  So all this being said here are some things I want you to do if you are unclear about whether falling out of love is truly happening or is it something else.  Go to the doctor to rule out any medical issues that could be affecting your mood.  Could it be some issue with your thyroid, could it be headaches causing you to feel unusually blue.  Is it depression or anxiety?  Talk to your spouse.  Many cringe at this idea for fear that once “I let the cat out of the bag”, will my spouse have a different view of me thus changing our relationship forever?  Most of the time this does not happen and it creates a greater intimacy but in the short term it can certainly be a bit bumpy.  On rare occasions, yes it may cause some more permanent upset.  Just weigh out where you in the process of understanding your feelings.  You and your partner should be patient and do not make any rash decisions.  Remember, it probably took awhile for you to feel this way and it will probably take awhile to sort out exactly what is going on.  If you or your spouse are in this place, please work to hopefully give each other lots of grace.  It's not easy being human and we will often in our lifetime have ebbs and flows to our feelings.         Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage because you don't want your kids and stepkids to have to deal with another life altering change.  Look I clearly get why you would do this and feel this but ultimately is it the right thing to do?  We will talk about this important subject for blended families today.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Are you unhappy in your marriage?  I am not sure what the reason for that is and there are certainly many.  It could be that you are tired of not being considered a priority.  Maybe on the other end you feel like you can never live up to what your spouse needs?  It is possibly the constant arguments that escalate over silly things?  The stepkids won't listen and you aren't on the same page parenting with your spouse.  It is clear to all of us that being in a blended family is not easy and the reasons for that are varied and complex.  However, when it comes to a tipping point and you start to think about leaving this is when it gets serious and we need to look at what are the reasons you have not left.  Whenever I ask one partner in a relationship what keeps them in the relationship, my hope is that I hear things like “in spite of the differences and chaos, I still love my spouse.”  Again that is what I hope to hear. All too often, the response I hear is “I am only staying for the kids.”  I both love and hate this reason and this response.  I love it because it means you aren't darting immediate out the door to great regret.  But ultimately I don't like this response, because in my opinion if this is truly the only reason then you need to seriously look at what is going on for you.  Let's talk about some of things to explore and think about if this is the place you find yourself in. Do you say you are only staying for the kids when you are angry or is it truly in times when you are calm?  If you say it in anger, then you must let that emotion subside in order to really think clearly about why it is you stay?  So in addition to looking at the reasons as to why you stay, let's look at the reasons for not leaving?  Is there fear?  I often hear of these fears: Fear of financial burden in being single with all these kids? Fear of how your current spouse will treat you? What would everyone else think about me?  Doesn't society say there are too many broken families and you need to do what you can to keep the family intact?  Doesn't the Bible only give a couple of reasons like infidelity, abuse, or abandonment as reasons for leaving your spouse?  Fear of feeling like another failure again because this has happened before.  Adding another divorce is going to make the kids situation of coming and going even more complicated. Maybe you have developed a solid loving relationship with the stepkids and you don't want to upset them.  Obviously so many reasons if we dig under the surface as to why you might be staying and these are all based on fear.  Fear of the unknown is certainly real, and you ultimately have to make the best decision for yourself.  But let's talk about the kids for a moment. Again if we circle back to staying for the kids sake.  We have to take a deep look and say okay is it better to have the kids be in a home with two parental figures that are unhappy with each other.  Yes, on the surface there is a sort of logistical stability.  But the other piece we need to look at is emotional stability.  Kids even young ones are probably smarter and see more than we give them credit for.  They tend to know when things are not right.  You don't want them in a therapist office dealing with some depression or anxiety because they were in a dysfunctional family system.  So what are some things you should do before you get to the decision of whether to stay or go?  First and foremost hopefully you can have an honest and calm discussion with your spouse about where you stand in the relationship. Talk about the things that are not working in your relationship.  Is there are possibility you each could pour in 3-6 months of work to improve them before making the decision on the future?  Do some inner work to understand if people pleasing is at the core of your inability to make a decision.  Again, what does God think, what does society think, what would my close circle of people think?  You must make the best decision for you.  Talk to people in your life on both sides of the issues.  Those that have made it work and those that have move on despite their fears to get a balanced look at what to do.  Look for a therapist that does something called Divorce Discernment counseling which is a very specialized short term counseling to help each of you come to a better decision about the right thing to do.  As always make sure when it comes time to talk to the kids, that you explain that the issues are not their fault and that the two of you love them very much and will make the best lives you can for them again if you decide to part.  This is not an easy decision for sure and ultimately you will have to wrestle with this yourself, but just now that kids are resilient and will make their best way forward if you remain a consistent loving and encouraging presence in their lives no matter what happens.  Tough time and tough subject.  Go get an ice cream of sweet coffee and please have a great rest of your day

In Games in Schools and Libraries episode 27, originally published in 2013, Donald is joined by Brian Mayer. They talk about the American Library Association Convention, and particularly the play event. They also cover games in libraries, learning experiences, game design contests, and making games a more natural part of a game program. Brian Michael MayerLibrary Technology Specialist at Genesee Valley BOCES Coordinator of School Library System and Media Services at Erie 2-Chautauqua-Cattaraugus-BOCES Games in Schools and Libraries is produced in association with Inverse Genius and the Georgetown County Library System.Games in Schools and Libraries Guild at Board Game GeekKathleen's resources https://www.kathleenmercury.com/Email us: schoolsandlibraries@gmail.comThe ideas expressed by libraries included in the podcast are not expressly endorsed by the Georgetown County Library System. 

Brian Mayer talks about taking care of yourself.  In a blended family we often get pulled in so many directions that we exhaust ourselves to the point of upset and frustration.  This episode to help give you permission to slow down and refresh.  That being said, I am going to practice what I preach and take a short break from the podcast of about 3 weeks and return refreshed!   We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Do you need a break?  Do you need some time for yourself?  In blended families, that time seems pretty much non-existent.  But in order for you to run the full marathon sometimes you need these breaks.  In today's episode we will talk about this and more.  And to begin, I wanted to let you know that the podcast will be taking a short 3 week break, so that I can do what I am asking you to do and that is to take better care of myself.  Have you ever been on an airplane and heard the flight attendant that in the event of a loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will descend and that you are encouraged to put your own mask on first.  This might seem cruel that you are putting yourself first but the ultimate goal is to keep yourself alive so that you can help others.  The same goes for your blended family experience.  If you are not taking care of yourself then eventually you will be no good for anyone.  I often think about running a marathon when I compare it to the life of a blended family.  I ran my first and only marathon to this point about 4 years ago.  The training for the marathon was an interesting parallel to how I think life should be run.  First, you start off slow with some short runs.  This might be compared to the initial period in a blended family where you might not be fully and completely engaged in all areas because you are busy getting your bearings.  The runs then get longer the more comfortable you are and the same with your blended family.  You will begin to put yourself into situations around things like helping the stepkids with homework or discipline of them.  Then throughout the training there is usually one day a week that you will do a sprint.  You know what these days look like in the life of your blended family.  Unfortunately you don't have much time to think.  It is all about getting the family up, breakfast served, kids out the door, then onto work, then dinner, then cleanup, then homework, the off to bed and then do it all over again.  Also throughout the training, there are usually a couple of days a week where there is complete rest.  This is the hard part of the blended family experience.  Getting these breaks for full days is sometimes hard if not impossible.  So you must find moments, minutes and maybe sometimes hours to rest.  In the midst of all of this physical training, you must also take care of your body by eating right and hydrating.  Emotionally and mentally you must take of yourself by limiting or dealing with stress in better ways.  All of these things are done so that you can run your best race on race day which is often months away.  The same goes for the blended life, in that you must have periods of both exertion and rest so that you can run your best race as life goes on.  So all this is great in theory, but how do we make this practical?  Let's talk about some simple ways to make this happen that hopefully won't take too much energy.  First I want you to take some deep breaths and really think about how your body is changing in how it feels when you do this.  Deep breathing over periods of time can produce calm in the body.  Go for a walk and use all of your senses.  Think about what you are seeing, smelling, and hearing especially.  Be grateful if you can do this and for what you are experiencing.  Stay in your pajamas just a bit longer.  Give yourself permission to fight against the expectations of others.  This one is hard for those of us that always think we should be doing something.  Look at what tasks can be delayed, temporarily not done, or permanently deleted from your life.  Don't take too much time thinking about this because that defeats the purpose of removing some pressure and stress.  Tell your family what you are doing and ask that they do the same.  In other words model some of the behaviors and let them know it is okay to do these from time to time.  So after I am done recording this podcast, I want to take some deep breaths and maybe take a walk around the work complex and soak in the sun, trees, and bird for just a bit.  Please take care of yourself and each other while we go on this short hiatus from the podcast.  We will return again in about 4 weeks.  Resources: None Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer talks about how judging others and being critical of others way of being can often lead to feeling of being trapped by your own anger.  If you judge others then chances are also high that your bio kids and step kids may also begin to be weighed down by this as well.  Today we will talk about freeing the entire family from this bondage so you can all you're your most full lives.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Judging others and judging situations is something that is programmed into all of us from a very early age.  We are taught to size up and scrutinize the situations in life that we all face.  However, it becomes unhealthy when we begin to “pass judgment” onto others for the things they do and say.  So what is judgment you ask?  Merriam Webster dictionary defines it as, “the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing.”  The two pieces that often get us into trouble when it comes to judging something are “opinion” and “comparing.”  An opinion is a very subjective view of something that we make up in our mind.  It could be something as simple as, when you said hello to a person that passed by and they did not respond.  In your mind you could form an opinion that says “what a jerk, couldn't even have the decency to say hello back” or “wow they probably have a lot on their mind, and didn't realize what I said” or maybe “they may not have actually heard me say anything because it is loud around here.”  Or you could come in with a thousand other judgments about what you thought was behind the no smile that you saw.  The other piece that causes issues with the definition of judgment is “comparing.”  Comparing is basically the examination of someone or something in relation to something or someone else and then look at the similarities and differences.  Of course when we have an opinion and make a comparison, we are most often placing this person or this thing up against us.  And often depending on our view of ourself will often drive our judgment one way or another but it can be tricky as to which way that goes.  We can certainly view ourselves as equal, superior, or inferior to others and this will not doubt drive our response.  But it is not as easy as you think.  You would think that someone that views someone as equal would view another's situation in a neutral or positive light, and those that find themselves superior or inferior might judge in a negative way.  But I have seen all sorts of judgments from these places.  Someone who sees themselves as inferior I have seen can judge in both directions.  They might say wow look at all this person has done to get themselves where they need to and look at what I lack.  In this case the negative judgment is being directed at self and the positive judgment is being directed at the other.  Or conversely some jealousy could enter and someone who sees themselves as inferior, could say something like well the success they have is not because of anything they have done but because of the help they received.  When we begin to judge others negatively or when we measure ourselves negatively, it can often feel like a weight around our necks that is constantly pulling us done.  It can also be very easy to begin to subconsciously teach the kids that judgment is normal and something to be done consistently.  And unfortunately we are inadvertently giving them a weight to carry around.  Once I became more aware of the judgments I was passing on about other people, the more I felt that weight.  Why is there a weight?  That is a good question and I am not sure I have the full answer, but I think just being negative in general and exhausting ourselves by constantly making comparisons is probably what contributes to the weight of judgment coming back to us.    So what are some ways that we can lessen and maybe even prevent judgments and the subsequent weight that you and the family might feel.  Become aware that you are thinking in this way.  The more attune you are to your thoughts the more easily you can recognize this happening.  Gratitude.  Being appreciative of what you have in life can often head especially the comparison part of judgment off.  Realize that there are many reasons why someone might be living a certain way or acting in a manner that is not consistent with how you would act.  The issue here is not to pretend that something that person is doing is not a problem, but more about what that judgment is doing to your mental health.  Be compassionate.  By first thinking of the good in people, it can often feel more freeing.  Now of course one must be cautious about being taken advantage of by others, but by teaching your children to always think the best about people the lower the chance they will judge in a harsh or negative way.  Accept things more as they are.  Often our brains think that we must always work to change something that doesn't fit with our narrative in life.  As a result we can often judge in preparation to want to change something.  We all know often we can't change someone else and if we try and it doesn't happen it can often lead to some unhealthy mental states. Finally, teach your kids both bio and step all of these things. First, you must practice these and get much better at them yourself.  Once you feel you are in a better place with all of these, then gently guiding your kids in these ways, will help them grow up to be less judgmental and more free in their lives.       Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 3, we will talk today about installing some new behaviors.  Since we have discussed disconnecting from our past in Part 1 and changing cognitive distortions in Part 2, we are now ready to do something different.     You hear me talk all the time that thoughts and emotions often drive behaviors.  So we cannot get to the behaviors without discussing the thoughts and emotions that underlie them first and we have done that through this series.  And when we say behaviors, I am really taking about new and different actions.  I say at the end of every episode that marriage is not something you have, it's something you do.  And so that means we can't just become complacent, we have to things in order for our marriage to grow.  Think of your marriage like a garden that blooms beautiful flowers or vegetables.  There are all sorts of things that must be done to get you that harvest.  Find the right location for the garden.  Is shade, sun, or a combination? Research when is the best time to plant and when is the best time to harvest.  How deep and how far apart should the plants be from each other.  What kind and how much fertilizer is needed. How much watering and when is the best time, morning, afternoon, evening, or overnight How often should the soil be manipulated.  How should weeding happen. So you get the idea that A LOT needs to happen to get the garden to the right place of harvesting that amazing bumper crop.  The same for a marriage, in that you not only need to come to grips with your past, change your thinking, and also create new habits.  I would like to recommend a couple of good books to do just that.  One is called The Love Dare and the other is called The Respect Dare.  Not to be too gender biased, but it is often said that women usually respond to acts of love and men respond to the acts showing respect.  The link for both books is noted below in the Resource section.  The premise of both books is that we should be doing small but consistent positive actions toward our spouse with one key.  That key is that we should be doing them even we were are getting nothing in return.  The general concensus is that you must likely will get something positive in return for these small consistent actions you are taking but it could take awhile.  So let's talk about 3 examples that you could implement today from each of these books:  From the Love Dare: “Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.” “Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.” “Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home. Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it. Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love.” From The Respect Dare: “Today I will refrain from making sure my husband knows how to do things my way.” “Today I will begin conversations with silence and not immediately reacting to show that I am willing to move toward a response versus a reaction.” “Today I will constantly work to rephrase something from negative to a positive.  For example instead of saying, “thanks for not yelling at me,” you could say “thanks for being so gentle in your responses.”  These are just a few examples of how you can work to change your actions or behaviors to start to change your remarriage.  You might even have some of your own that work well.  I always says do more of what works and less of what doesn't.       Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group The Love Dare The Respect Dare   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer is a couples expert who focuses on remarried couples and blended families, and he joins me today to get super candid about the struggles both face. Brian is also a mental health therapist, so he'll be sharing his insight on how our feelings and reactions can either help or hinder our relationships with our exes and our current partners. You can find show notes and more information by clicking here: https://summerfelix.com/50

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 2, we will talk today about how cognitive distortions can filter the way we view something that is happening and can change our reaction in a more negative way.  You might be asking what a cognitive distortion is.  Well first before we describe what it is, you should know that we all have them to some degree or another because we are humans and imperfect.  A cognitive distortion is often described as a way of thinking that is often inaccurate and also tends toward being negatively biased.  There are lots of cognitive distortions and we will go over a few of the more common ones now.  Overgeneralization means that we reach a broad conclusion base on something occurring once or maybe even just a few times.  For example, if you and your spouse constantly argue about money, it maybe become so overwhelming that you start thinking you disagree about everything.  Catastrophizing is assuming the worst when faced with something that is unknown.  Often our minds will go down a rabbit trail and eventually down the rabbit hole that a worse case scenario is going to happen.  Personalization means that you are attributing blame for something entirely toward yourself or you could be blaming someone else.  An example, might be something like blaming yourself and how bad of a person you for not cooking dinner one night.  When in fact maybe there were all sorts of issues contributing to dinner not being able to be made.  Labeling is somewhat similar to personalization.  It occurs when say we mess something up, and we start to say we are a bad person.  Or maybe we get into too many arguments and we start saying our spouse is a jerk for example.  There are many more cognitive distortions but those are just a few that pop up in relationships.  So what do we do with these.  Let's talk about 3 practical things you can do to limit the effect on your life.  First, you must work to become aware that this is a possibility.  A good way to do this is to notice or become aware of your thoughts and how you are processing what you are perceiving.    Second notice if your mood has shifted negatively.  Are you feeling anxiety, anger, or fear for example.  If this is the case it may very well be that a cognitive distortion is occurring.  Finally, can you allow your mind to think about alternative possibilities.  The best example for doing this is assigning what you think the motivation is behind why someone is doing something.  Often we get the motivation completely incorrect.  It takes time to recognize when we are mentally in a somewhat distorted place but the more you do it the easier it will be.  We look forward to discussing installing new behaviors in our next session.      Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer welcomes you to this 3 part series on renovating your remarriage.  In part 1, we discuss how to be more aware of past issues that might be driving our reactions.  In part 2, we discuss how our thought processes, distortions, and biases play a role in our connection.  In part 3 we will discuss implementing new behaviors to complete the renovation.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies Getting married again is not easy.  In fact I would say it is probably much more difficult to sustain a good marriage the next time around than it was the first time.  We often think we have learned from our mistakes and will do better the next time, but that is more often not the case.  You may be even in another marriage that feels like it is heading in the wrong direction or even getting close to divorce.  Again you are not alone and this is an extremely common place to be.  In this 3 part series, that we are calling Remarriage Rehab we are going to talk through steps to help get your remarriage not only back on track but pushed to a much healthier place than you ever thought it could go.  Now a couple of thoughts before we jump in today's session.  It was be highly beneficial if both you and your partner listened to these episodes together because you will get to your destination if you both are paddling together.  Of course marriages and relationship can change with just one person paddling, but it can be a bit of a slower process.  Secondly, if you are dealing any kind of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse then your safety of course trumps any of what we are going to talk about in this series.  So if that is the case, I want you to address any safety issues first but getting help from the appropriate authorities first.  All this being said, if your safety is assured then hopefully what we discuss over the next 3 sessions will be simple yet extremely powerful in moving you remarriage to a more healthy place.  In Remarriage Rehab Part 1, we will talk today about disconnecting from our past.  You may have heard the phrase that, “if you are hysterical, then it may be historical.”  This means that if you or your partner have a very inflated response to an issue, it quite possibly means that something from your past if playing a role.  The past can come from probably 3 different areas and is something to consider.  Your childhood could be an area that is bringing something up.  Sometimes differences in parenting can rear up in how you were parented versus how your spouse was parented as an example.  Or maybe something traumatic happened that causes your fight or flight mechanism to kick in.  Past relationships can also cause issues for us.  If you went through a very difficult past marriage that was fraught with infidelity, then it cause manifest insecurities and trust issues.  So if your spouse gets home from work late one day and doesn't let you know beforehand, it could trigger a past feeling of upset if this was a norm in your past relationship.  Past events in your current relationship can also cause issues.  Maybe you have had a similar argument several times before.  But this time it blows up completely.  It could be happening, because the issue has so mounded up that it contributes to what is happening in the here and now.  All of this is great, so what to do we do about this. First, we need to do an honest evaluation to understand the root of our extreme upset.  So when something like this comes up, you should go back through your history to understand if something has set up shop in your brain as a trigger.  Second, we should voice our past triggers to our partner.  This can do several things.  It can help you by discussing and processing which is generally always a good thing for our brain.  It can also help your partner know and understand which issues and topics may be landmines.   Change our view that it is not entirely that you are a bad person or that your spouse is a bad person, but that there is a third element at play that could be wreaking havoc.  We all have a past and completely denying what that past might be doing can be a foolish endeavor.  It should be stressed that we should not use our past as a weapon toward each other either.  I hear one person in a couple often will make very cutting comments that their partner acts a certain way solely because of the past.     Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how big decisions don't need to be complicated or difficult.  Of course sometimes decisions themselves may take some time to weigh out we will talk about 3 steps you should take during the process of making a big decision.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The big decisions in your blended family journey don't come around everyday, but on occasion you might be faced with something that is big and weighty.  You might face a big job change that might incur more travel or more hours at the office.  You might face a move that has to be made to another city because of a job change.  Or maybe there are changes in custody or visitation because of a job or move issue.  Maybe you simply need to move to a new home because your new blended family has outgrown the current home.  Whatever the change might be, it will certainly come with a big decision.  In my own life, I was faced with a couple of those big decisions and one in particular came in the course of being in a blended family (one came while I was single and in between relationships).  That big decision involved whether or not to move from Florida to Virginia as a result of a job transfer.  With that move, there were of course options.  We could have stayed in Florida and I could have either looked to leave the company I was employed with or maybe found another position within the company to stay.  And then the other option would be to remain with the company in that same position and move.  Ultimately after some back and forth between us as a family and some actual changes within the company that had the new job be a “go” then move to “frozen” to being a “go” again, we went through a quick 3 step process that helped us feel better about our decision.  Before I talk through that 3 step process, we ultimately did make the decision to move from Florida to Virginia.  The main decision revolved around feeling like their might be more opportunities from a career standpoint and also there was more to do that would be to our liking.  So all this being said, let's go through that 3 step process that it took to get us closer to make the big decision: First, get on the same page with your spouse.  This may take awhile to talk through feelings about each side, and the pros and cons of the decision.  For the most part don't move to step 2 before being united with each other.  However, if you are feeling like your discussions with each other are stalling then you might want to move forward only to circle back around.  Secondly, understand the bio and stepkids feelings about each side of the decision.  This means understanding their feelings about the decision.  Now, getting this information does not mean that you will be making the decision based solely on their wants, but that you are taking this into consideration as a piece of the puzzle.  Third, make the decision and communicate to the kids and/or other family members.  Again you may need to go through several rounds of step 1 and 2 to get to the 3rd step.  I would definitely advise that both you and your spouse have a family meeting of sorts to lay out the decision.  Of course make the kids feel heard and understood by letting them know their opinions were important and valued.  And you can say that these were definitely weighed during the tough decision you each as parents had to make.  So these steps may not actually make the decision for you, but again can be a guide to a smoother path to making the best decision for you and your blended family.  I like a quote attributed to U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt, who said: “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” So to me this means that I can't get too hung up on all the attitudes and moods of the people in my family, but that sometimes I just have to keep making the best possible decisions for my family with my spouse's agreement of course.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses how we all have times we have either uttered or thought, “I am done.”  You have been divorced before and now you are thinking about it again.  In today's thought provoking episode, we will talk about how common this is and some things to think about to really know whether or not this next marriage will work or not.  Also, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies So you have been through a divorce and are remarried.  Are things getting so bad in your current relationship that maybe you can't believe you are back at this place of contemplating another divorce?  If you have ever said or thought the words, “I am done” in a second or third marriage or beyond then you are certainly not alone.  You may or may not know that second marriages end in divorce about 60% of the time, 3rd marriages about 70%, and 4th are typically above 80%.  So that being said, as you can see not only do lots of people say or think that they are done, that many actually follow through and get divorced again. The stress of being in another marriage is only compounded because there are children involved that are not yours.  This causes all kind of issues, especially when they say they don't like and won't listen.  Do you feel that your spouse does not have your back when it comes to these kid issues?  This dynamic can generate even more stress on a couple and a family.  One of you wants things to change and the other is more wishing for the status quo.  Based on all these pieces not working you definitely have every right to wonder if this next marriage is over.    Do you just have thoughts about these things or have you discussed this with your partner or with others?  Once the issues are spoken then it can create another dynamic, because maybe until this time your partner has not realized there is an issue.  Or maybe conversely they do agree and so it further advances what you both have been thinking.    You might be on the fence right now over whether or not this is truly something you should move forward with or something you should just try to deal with and figure a way to make peace with and stay in the marriage.  This is obviously a major decision in your life.  A decision to end or continue a relationship, and a decision to change your kids and stepkids lives once again.  Let's talk about the things you should consider to know whether or not you are really ready to end the marriage again.  First, on a scale of 1-10 I want to you think about where you land on whether or not you should end this relationship.  A “10” means you are in this fully and completely and a “1” means you are making concrete plans even as you listen to this podcast.  A “5” means you are completely unsure and are weighing out each side of the coin.  By understanding, your number above it will help you gauge really where you are at in determining your future.  Are the words, “I am done” thought or said during the heat of an argument, just after while you are still emotionally flooded, or are they coming at times of calm well after an issue has caused a problem?  As you can imagine if they come at times of calm, then you may realize this is more real that it is possibly time to move on.    If you have voiced your concerns that you may need to end the marriage, do you feel that you have given enough time to see changes made?  Do you listen to what your spouse is saying about you regarding what changes they would like?  Sometimes in relationships, there is one person that generally brings up problems most often and the other just deflects.  If you are the one that brings up problems, then you may need to work to be the one to listen more to your partner.  What are the reasons you stay versus the reasons you think about leaving?  Do any of the reasons for staying involve the love you have for your spouse?  Do any of the reasons you stay involve how much they mean to you as a partner?  If you reasons for staying involve mostly the kids or what others might think then that may be cause for concern.  Do you have fears about being alone or starting over again?  This is a very common fear that many people have, but again is this a valid reason or enough of a reason to stay in this marriage.  What would you tell your best friend if they were in exactly the same position as you?  When I ask people this question, the answer I often hear, is “I would tell them to do what makes them happy.”  And they go on to say, that you should make your own decision but to weigh out things on all sides.  If you are spiritual and more specifically a Christian, then you know there is wording in the Bible that speaks to divorce.  When it comes to this you must think about the level of importance that you place on something like this.  Only you can know your level of distress and you must weigh this out.  Speaking to a counselor on your own, can give you some clarity.  Be patient with this process, as many people want to go to a therapist so they can be told what to do.  A good therapist will not tell you what to do but help you discover the best course of action for you.  Obviously a lot to consider and this is not an easy decision.  If you have just entered into a place of thinking you are done, then be patient as you work through this.  If you have been here a long time, then obviously you may have some more urgency about what needs to happen.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer in this fully unscripted quick episode, he talks simply about how we should do more listening to each other.  We should adopt this strategy for a better home life in our remarriage and blended family and just better life in general.   In addition to listening to today's episode, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies The message today is simple:  Let's practice listening more.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

Brian Mayer discusses staying fully mentally present in your remarriage.  Now more than ever with more stress and more technology, we can often find ourselves physically present but not completely connected with our spouse.  We will talk today about some ways to help you stay more present so that your connection with your spouse deepens.  In addition to listening to today's episode, don't forget to pick up my free Shared Parenting Checklist and get access to my email newsletter to get all kind of great information about upcoming shows and other blended family resources.  We hope you are inspired by today's message.  For more information and additional resources please visit our website at http://www.theremarriedlife.com Today's Goodies In today's world it is harder than ever to be consistently and fully emotionally present in our relationships. Ever catch yourself thinking about work, the kids, doing yardwork, working out, the need to check your email or social media.  Do you ever take your phone out to check something when your spouse is talking to you.  Do you sometimes multi-task like watch a movie AND scroll through your phone?  Ugh, I am majorly guilty of this one.  Are you in a relationship where one or both of you have accepted this as the norm or do you get highly upset with each other when this is happening?  I tend to see a wide variety of couples where this may or may not trigger upset or anger.  No doubt the blended family situations with all that goes into that and the many ways in which you each are pulled can certainly be a hindrance.  In my marriage therapy, I hear lots of stories about how one partner says they will be venting or even pouring out something emotional, and they will get blank stares or a very unempathetic response.  I recently worked with a couple, where the male would actually change the subject or walk away when his wife would start to talk about something emotional.  Now interestingly, as we dug a little bit on this there were some keys to his past that played a role for sure which helped get a better understanding of why he might respond this way. So let's talk about some very common ways that we are not fully present:  Thinking about other things and situations when our spouse is talking to us.  I find the longer we are in a specific relationship, the more frequent this tends to occur.      Technology is something we have already discussed, but again spending too much time on our smartphones and things like social media within the phone.  Sometimes latching on to something your spouse said that caused an emotion to stir.  At that point you are so locked on to that, that you no longer register much of what is going on with the rest of what is being said.  General mental health struggles like anxiety and depression can inhibit staying fully present. Now sometimes those struggles are due to chemical imbalances and other times it can be related to stress and other outside factors like situations that are out of the norm.  Finally when we get to a place of making judgments about the things we see.  When we do this we are not keeping up with what we are seeing and doing in the moment.  So for example when we see our spouse come home late, we will often make a snap judgment about what we think has happened and we can often carry on with these thoughts for quite awhile.  And to further complicate, we will then often assign a positive or negative spin on this.  So now that you know what are some of the things to watch out for, let's talk about some ways to help you be more fully present in your relationship: Catch yourself making judgments.  Becoming more aware of this and working to reduce these will first help make you more fully present and secondly will hopefully make you happier.  Mindfulness Meditation is a meditation where you work to become more aware of your thoughts, accept them and thus their power will usually reduce.  Repeat back on occasion what you heard your partner say.  This actually helps you stay on the conversation but also makes your partner often feel heard and understood.  Unload some stressful pieces of your life.  Are there things you can let go of?  Maybe it is something you do like yardwork?  Could you hire it out?  Maybe it is all of the volunteering you do?  Maybe it is something internal like the guilt you feel over your past divorce?  If the inability to stay present is significant, make an appointment with a mental health care professional to look for something clinical like Depression, Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, or PTSD.  Medication could also be something to talk your doctor or psychiatrist about.   Resources: Free Shared Parenting Checklist The Remarried Life Facebook Group   Thanks For Listening! With so many things that take time in our lives, I more grateful than you know that you took time to listen to this podcast episode.  If you liked this episode and believe that it would be beneficial to a friend, family member, or colleague, please share it using the social media buttons on this page. The Remarried Life Facebook Group is a community of people just like you who get and give support.  Please join today!  ​ As always remember that marriage is not something you have, it is something you do.  Talk to you next week unless you are binge listening in the future in which case I will talk to you in about a minute!  Take care.

In this encore episode of The Couples Expert podcast, Stuart speaks of remarriage & the "Doubt Factor" with special guest Brian Mayer.

In episode 136 of this week's podcast, Stuart speaks of remarriage & the "Doubt Factor" with special guest Brian Mayer.

In this episode of The Long View, I am very pleased to be joined by designer Brian Mayer as we discuss his new game, Freedom: The Underground Railroad. Along the way we discuss the game play in detail, how to tackle sensitive themes, and the use of games in the classroom. Thanks to Brian for joining me on this special episode of The Long View! The Long View is a proud member of The Dice Tower Network of podcasts. Special thanks also goes out to www.gamesurplus.com for their support and sponsorship of The Long View, and thanks, as always, to YOU for listening! The episode can be found through iTunes, or here in the bgg directory or through the following link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/TheLongViewPodcast