Podcasts about snookers

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 3Karen Embarks on a cure campaign.Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Karen sighed, "Might as well. Let's go kill the libido of an entire civilization, Holland."Holland took her arm and soon the cell where she was held disappeared and another space formed around them. Captain Hemsworth and several crew members from the ship stood nearby, as well as Ensign Holland who was still holding her arm, reassuringly. Looking around, Karen saw that they were in what appeared to be a sound-booth of sorts. One crewmember activated some equipment and moved one protruding tentacle closer to Karen's mouth and another toward Captain Hemsworth's."Are we ready, Ellis?" Captain Hemsworth asked, clearing his throat. Ellis nodded and stepped back from the tentacles. Hemsworth tapped the end of the tentacle and a booming noise reverberated around the room. He cleared his throat several more times and straightened his collar. "People of Priam! Your deliverance has come! You sent us forth among the stars to find the cure to the horrid addiction of filth that has infiltrated our minds and we have not failed you! We have dedicated our lives to this effort, foregone having families, and any comforts of home to bring you this salvation! Behold; The Karen!" he proclaimed, gesturing for Karen to speak."Um; hi?" Karen said, unsurely. Hemsworth glanced at Ellis who was reading some type of display. Ellis frowned and motioned for her to continue speaking. "Um; my name is Karen;""Hi Karen;” several crew members responded unanimously before Captain Hemsworth cut them off with a gesture."Um; I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say. I heard you're all having some troubles. I'm sorry. I know what that's like. I've had some troubles, too. I married the wrong person; someone who didn't really love me. I wasn't brave and I tried to avoid trouble too much. I had four kids, but they grew up seeing me treated badly, so they don't really see me as being worth much; if they don't need me to be a mom anymore, what good am I to them? I love them, but; I wish I had done more with my life. Now, I'm getting a divorce; and now that I'm in my 50's, I'm not young and beautiful anymore, so it's like I'm invisible to most people. My body hurts more than it used to; and I'm afraid most days. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Everything keeps changing and I don't know where I belong. I feel like I've failed all the time. But, they said that maybe I could help you, so; I hope I can help make things better for you. I'd like to see something good come out of all this," Karen said, wiping some tears off her cheeks. Holland stepped next to her and took her hand. She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder."Ellis?" Hemsworth asked.Ellis looked up from the display, a disconcerted expression on his face. "I don't understand;” he murmured, leaning down and feverishly working on the equipment. "They're hearing it. I know they're hearing it;”"It's not working? She just spoke more than it took to knock out the entire bridge crew! What do you mean it's not working?" Hemsworth said, frustrated. Karen looked at Holland, who simply shrugged.Captain Hemsworth frowned with determination and motioned to Karen, "Speak again. Louder. Talk about the cobb salad! Men, brace yourselves!" he ordered."Cobb salad?" Karen repeated, surprised. "Oh, well, um; it's just yummy. It's got hard boiled eggs, tomatoes, bacon, and avocado on a bed of lettuce; chives and bleu cheese over the top is good, too. The nice thing is that all the ingredients are put into neat little rows across the lettuce, so you can choose exactly what you want in each bite! It's not just a big mess like other salads. You know, I could make you one ; do you guys have avocadoes?" she said enthusiastically, looking to Holland.Holland immediately began looking up something on his hand-held computer. "Av-o-ca-does; do they yield their young willingly, or do we need to;""What the hell is going on???" Captain Hemsworth yelled, grabbing Holland's ear and looking inside. "Holland! You're not wearing protection! Why aren't you unconscious on the floor?""Oh, um; they were kind of uncomfortable, and they made it hard to hear what she was remembering, and;""You Remembered With The Karen? What Is Wrong With You?" Hemsworth shouted, before calming himself. "Momoa, get some caffeline ready. I need to hear her again," he said, bracing himself as he pulled what looked like slugs out of his ears. "Speak again about the salad;”"Okay, uh; most like to eat it with a vinaigrette? I think that gets to be a bit too much if there's bleu cheese on top, though. Sometimes I'll get it with ranch or something creamy because then;""What the hell, Holland! What did you do to The Karen? I barely feel anything!" Hemsworth yelled, grabbing Holland by the uniform."Um; I don't know; we just talked and remembered; you know, she's really nice, if you get to;""Dammit, You've Broken The Karen, Holland! How Are We Supposed To;" Captain Hemsworth yelled until he was interrupted by a knock nearby.Lieutenant Ellis activated a control on his display and a hole formed in the wall of the room. An assembly of Priamites entered the room, as smoothly as if they were rolled in on a platform together. The crew of the Onan immediately fell prostrate on the floor before them. Karen, unwilling to lie face-down on a floor she hadn't cleaned herself, looked around uncomfortably and gave the assembly a small wave. One Priamite raised her hand to return the gesture but was quickly stopped by her neighbor."Welcome, crew of the Onan," one of the assembly said, followed by the rest of the assembly nodding agreeably. "We are most appreciative of all your; efforts. We realize that you have dedicated several of your lifetimes to freeing our civilization from the throes of pornographic addiction, and for your many sacrifices, we thank you," the speaker said, then glanced around uncomfortably at the others. "Most unexpectedly, ah; while the Eros Curse was most distressing to the initial generations, the subsequent generations acclimated to it rather quickly. Then, as fashions changed, the Eros Curse became more of a joke, really; dance mixes were made, memes;”"Excuse me?" Captain Hemsworth said, lifting his face from the floor."I mean, sure, the Eros Curse is still out there. It's just that it's just become something people live with. It doesn't take over our lives, but some indulge in it a little after the kids have gone to bed for the night. I mean, it's not really such a big deal. It adds a little spice to an otherwise boring life, you know?""Boring life?" Hemsworth repeated, rising to his feet. "Are you telling me that all of Priam just walks around, living life, thinking about; that?""Well, yes, but we are very grateful for all you and your crew have done for us. We express our thanks to all the crews of the ships we loaded up with uptight intellectuals that were determined to rid our civilization of; alternative thoughts. We have come here to present you and your crew with a commemorative plaque for all your;""Is this some kind of joke?" Hemsworth said, pacing around. "I've been trekking throughout the universe looking for a cure to your abhorrent lust-filled thoughts and now you just want to give me a plaque for a lifetime of sacrifice because you don't see a problem with your disgusting sticky existence?""Well, there's no need to kink-shame;” the assembly spokesperson muttered, "Honestly, you never wondered why they sent the most uptight assholes on the planet off on a vague 'mission' and never really asked for progress reports?""I don't believe this;” Hemsworth said, his eyes bulging, nostrils flaring. "We've sacrificed our lives for nothing???""Oh, I see where this is going;” Karen said to Holland, who seemed to be trying to assume a duck-and-cover position."How could you do this to us???" Hemsworth yelled."Use the diaphragm for projection, baby; you can do it;” Karen encouraged."I Want; To See; The Manager!" Captain Hemsworth yelled at the top of his lungs, causing a feedback loop to screech throughout the room. The last thing Karen saw before falling unconscious was the sight of every Priamite in the room projectile vomiting on each other. The stench was overwhelming.Karen's Humility.Karen lifted her face off the bathroom floor, overwhelmed by the stench. She brushed off a spare piece of toilet paper stuck to her face, as she tried to remember what had happened. Her lungs burned from what she slowly recognized as pepper spray. She gathered her purse and stumbled out of the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red, and a bruise was swelling where her cheek hit the floor. She splashed some cold water on her face and wiped off the makeup that streaked in the process. This was Snookers; not Baker's Pie. She had just ripped a kid a new asshole for not having cobb salad on the menu. What was she doing with her life?Upon exiting the bathroom, she ran into Travis the Waiter, who looked like he had just splashed water on his face, too. Dread and unease filled his face upon seeing her before it was quickly masked into concern. "Oh, um; are you okay? Can I get you some ice for that?" he asked, looking at the bruise on her cheek."What? Oh, no, honey. I'm okay. I just fell," she said, before meeting his eyes and taking his hand in hers. "Travis, I'm so sorry about the way I treated you. That was awful, and I have no excuse. You didn't deserve that.""It's okay; it happens," Travis said, carefully."It shouldn't, though. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Would you mind if I just gave you some cash to cover the meal and snuck out of here? God knows what that group of biddies will gossip about when I go out there like this," Karen said, gesturing to herself."Yeah, that should be no problem," Travis said, taking the money she offered. "Are you sure you're okay?"Karen nodded, "I'm fine. I've just got some things to do. You've got a sweet heart, honey. Keep listening to it."Karen swallowed nervously as she went up the walkway to the small suburban house. She hadn't called before coming. It was rude of her not to call ahead of time, but then again, she was pretty sure that her number had been blocked. She didn't know if her oldest son had gone "no contact" or just "low contact" with her, but she was pretty sure her daughter-in-law would threaten to call the police within five minutes of her ringing the doorbell. Nevertheless, when she got up to the door, Karen put her finger forward and rang the bell."What do you want, Karen?" Hailey's terse voice came through the doorbell."Oh; you got one of those camera doorbell things; that's nice;” she began, unsure of how to say what was in her heart without a face in front of her."What do you want?" Hailey repeated."Um; I wanted to talk with you;""The last time you wanted to 'talk' with me, you just wanted to see my kids while you criticized my inadequate housekeeping, my inept child-rearing, and my unattractive post-pregnancy body. So, forgive me if I'd prefer not to have a heart-to-heart, Karen," Hailey interrupted."You're right," Karen said, looking at the dark circle holding the doorbell's camera. "I did that. I did that. I have not been kind to you. When Cal Jr. brought you home, I was not welcoming. I should have been; because you deserved that. You deserved it because you made my son happy. You have made him happier than I've ever known him to be; and that's what I've always wanted for him. If you were just like me, if you did all the things that I obnoxiously told you to do; he wouldn't be half as happy as he is with you; just as you are. If for no other reason than my son's happiness, you have my gratitude. I'm sorry that I've wasted the chances you've given me to know you better. You're brave and confident and funny. Honestly, I think you're the person I wished I could have been at your age. I'm sorry for a lot of things but being wasteful; saying thoughtless things that hardened people's hearts; those are the things that I wish I could take back the most. So, um;” Karen said, checking her notes on her phone's notepad to make sure she got all the points she wanted, "that's pretty much it. Oh, and I put that chocolate mousse recipe you liked on this index card so you can make it, but feel free to call me if you can't read my writing; or if you, you know, ever need anything."Karen nodded at the doorbell and started back down the walkway toward her car, blinking back tears. She had wasted so much time, so many chances. She didn't know if there was a point in trying again now, but she had to. She wasn't getting any younger.As she reached the end of the walkway, she was nearly knocked over by two little bodies running into her and grabbing onto her legs. Tears fell freely down her cheeks as she bent down to pick up her grandchildren, kissing them until they tried to wiggle away. As they started simultaneously telling her everything they had been doing while she was away, Karen's eyes drifted up to the doorway where her pierced and tattooed daughter-in-law stood. "Thank you" Karen mouthed silently over her grandchildren's backs.Karen pushed open the doors of Forest Glenn Hospice Care, her bag stuffed with an array of items and went up to the front desk. "Karen Weaver. I'm here for Dana Stevens," she said.The new girl at the reception desk looked at Karen with quiet unease. "Um; Ms. Stevens has requested only visitors who have;" Karen smirked and lifted the wig off her head, revealing her clean-shaven head. "Oh! Great! Go right in," she said, relieved.The corridor of the hospice facility was peaceful and quiet; exactly the kind of thing the old Dana would hate. Entering her room, Karen looked for any signs that other visitors had been to see Dana but saw nothing. Dana was napping again, her face drawn and gaunt, but thankfully not in pain. Karen put down her bag in a nearby chair and took out a rolled-up electronic piano keyboard and unfurled it on a table next to the hospital bed. As she was on her hands and knees trying to find an outlet to use, she heard Dana clear her throat. "What the hell is that?" she asked, smirking as she nodded at the keyboard."Your afternoon's entertainment. I ordered it on Amazon; you should have seen the bitchy reviews. Reminded me of you. Mind you, I haven't played since Cal got rid of the piano when it didn't fit in the Brooklyn apartment, so you're in for a treat," Karen said, rubbing her hands together and moving her glasses on top of her head so she could see the keyboard controls."Calvin Carmichael in a Brooklyn apartment. My god. What was it that emptied the Carmichael family coffers after they stole you away from me, again?" Dana asked, her sunken eyes taking in every detail of Karen's face as she hovered over the keyboard."Bernie Madoff; cleaned 'em dry. His parents were ever so shocked when they had to sell their properties and move to Florida," Karen said. "They weren't poor; they had enough to retire, but; they were horridly middle class.""Karma's a bitch," Dana said, pushing back against her pillows to sit up more. "Kare; I'm so sorry I didn't talk with you when you came back to the apartment. I could have helped you; we both would have helped you."Karen's smile faded, remembering and wondering what might have been. Dana would have helped her, but she was certain Dana's help would be help to get an abortion; and then she would never have had the joy of knowing her grandchildren. Dean would have; well, it was impossible to know what he would have done, but he would have helped. "Well, consider this your punishment," Karen said, stretching her fingers. "Are you ready?""I'm on opiates, baby. Bring it on;” Dana said, a smile moving across her face.Karen's fingers moved across the keys, and at first, she was put off by the strangeness of the keys and the sensation of tapping on something flat instead of the feel of a piano. Then, memory took over and her hands remembered the dance. Years fell away as she was filled again with the joy of making music. She started with "Clair de lune," a gentle Debussy chosen to respect the frailty of her friend's condition.Upon playing the final chords, she looked up for her friend's reaction to see that Dana had covered her face with a pillow in an attempt to smother herself. "God, you're rusty. You used to be better than me. What have you been doing with those hands?" she complained."Raising kids; kneading dough; finding random women's' panties when I changed sheets on the bed," Karen said, ruefully."Should've jumped Dean while you had the chance;” Dana murmured.Karen bit her lips and closed her eyes. "Um; how; how is he?"Dana stared into Karen's eyes for a painfully long moment, then looked out the window, away from Karen. "Life; life wasn't kind to him. After I graduated, he moved back home to take care of Nana. He only came to the city to look after me, anyway. Living alone hardened him. I haven't seen him in years; not that I'd want to see what he's become. Sometimes you just need to let people go, Kare," she said, sighing sadly. "Anyway; I need a laugh. Show me how pathetic your Jerry Lee Lewis catalog is.""Yes, ma'am," Karen said, blinking back tears and starting into "Great Balls of Fire."The wind coming through the drivers' side window ruffled the inch-long cap of vivid red hair that had grown on Karen's head as she drove down the winding West Virginia roads that she hadn't seen in 30 years. The beauty of this place still softened and relaxed her as much as it had, oh so long ago. Despite Dana's warnings, Karen's heart demanded that she make this trip; and after all she had lost, she was determined to listen to her heart from now on, until she could no longer hear it.She frowned at her passenger and began coughing as a noxious odor swirled around, filling her SUV. She rolled her window down further in self-preservation. This was probably a bad idea; but after all these years of thinking things through and being sensible, she felt entitled to indulge in a few harebrained schemes."Country road; take me home; to the place; I belong; West Virginia; mountain mama; take me home; country road;” she sang, smiling as the wooded foothills rose up in the distance. The path became rough when she turned by the Stevens mailbox and began bouncing up through the woods toward the cozy home. Her passenger surveyed the woods around the vehicle with increasing excitement.Karen started doubting herself, though. It was ridiculous, the more she thought about it. All her emails had gone unanswered. The phone number she was given was out of service. Three decades had passed since she came here; why would he want to see a 50-something woman with an unflattering haircut and stretch marks just because he had fallen in love with the 20-something version of her? Would Dean even remember her at all? She ran through her plan again in her mind again. It sounded really stupid, now. At least it would let her make a quick exit if things didn't work out, though.She broke out in a cold sweat when the house came into view. It was just as she had remembered it, maintained well, but not changed. It was like a holy place, kept perfectly through the ages in reverence for what it represented.She pulled up to the house and parked. No one emerged, so she would have to go in. She would have to go knock on that door and see the unrecognition or even disappointment in his eyes. She needed to go tell him about his sister. Opening the door, she slid out and hopped to the ground and stretched her legs. Suddenly, a braying roar filled the air and a wall of fur launched itself from behind the house and came for her. "SIT!" Karen yelled. Her command, though impressive, appeared only to be a gentle suggestion to the monster that continued to charge her. "STAY!" Karen shouted. This recommendation also appeared to go unheeded."BUSTER, NO!" a voice from the porch yelled, and Karen couldn't help but stare at her first glimpse of Dean in decades. He looked wild. Wild hair, wild beard, a body that had to be formed by the wilderness, itself. Not a drop of civilization tainted the essence of this man; and it made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. Karen began walking toward him, completely forgetting about the fearsome beast avalanche coming to bury her. Dean jumped down from the porch and began running toward the flurry of fur and teeth that had bent its path upon Karen's destruction.A split second before Buster reached Karen, the passenger of her vehicle silently flew out, tackled him with a full-body slam and the two went rolling back from where Karen now stood next to Dean. The two tumbled, tearing up the grass and knocking over the woodpile in the commotion. Buster yelped loudly and jumped free of the massive shaggy-furred beast that was still intent upon teaching him some manners. "Judith, come!" Karen called, and with a final snarl at Buster, Judith returned to where Karen stood and sat by her side, still glaring to where Buster stood looking dumbfounded."Well, I'll be damned;” Dean murmured, looking at the still-cowed Buster in wonder."Girl dog privilege," Karen replied simply. "What is that thing, anyway?" she asked, nodding to where Buster now stood whining and trying to approach the growling Judith."Bernese Mountain Dog; Great Pyrenees; and probably a bit of German Shepherd;” Dean murmured, turning toward her. His eyes traveled over her slowly and boldly."Judith's Akita and Malamute; she was turned into the shelter because she always thinks she's right," Karen said. "That, and she farts something awful."

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 3Karen Embarks on a cure campaign.Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Karen sighed, "Might as well. Let's go kill the libido of an entire civilization, Holland."Holland took her arm and soon the cell where she was held disappeared and another space formed around them. Captain Hemsworth and several crew members from the ship stood nearby, as well as Ensign Holland who was still holding her arm, reassuringly. Looking around, Karen saw that they were in what appeared to be a sound-booth of sorts. One crewmember activated some equipment and moved one protruding tentacle closer to Karen's mouth and another toward Captain Hemsworth's."Are we ready, Ellis?" Captain Hemsworth asked, clearing his throat. Ellis nodded and stepped back from the tentacles. Hemsworth tapped the end of the tentacle and a booming noise reverberated around the room. He cleared his throat several more times and straightened his collar. "People of Priam! Your deliverance has come! You sent us forth among the stars to find the cure to the horrid addiction of filth that has infiltrated our minds and we have not failed you! We have dedicated our lives to this effort, foregone having families, and any comforts of home to bring you this salvation! Behold; The Karen!" he proclaimed, gesturing for Karen to speak."Um; hi?" Karen said, unsurely. Hemsworth glanced at Ellis who was reading some type of display. Ellis frowned and motioned for her to continue speaking. "Um; my name is Karen;""Hi Karen;” several crew members responded unanimously before Captain Hemsworth cut them off with a gesture."Um; I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say. I heard you're all having some troubles. I'm sorry. I know what that's like. I've had some troubles, too. I married the wrong person; someone who didn't really love me. I wasn't brave and I tried to avoid trouble too much. I had four kids, but they grew up seeing me treated badly, so they don't really see me as being worth much; if they don't need me to be a mom anymore, what good am I to them? I love them, but; I wish I had done more with my life. Now, I'm getting a divorce; and now that I'm in my 50's, I'm not young and beautiful anymore, so it's like I'm invisible to most people. My body hurts more than it used to; and I'm afraid most days. I don't know what's going to happen to me. Everything keeps changing and I don't know where I belong. I feel like I've failed all the time. But, they said that maybe I could help you, so; I hope I can help make things better for you. I'd like to see something good come out of all this," Karen said, wiping some tears off her cheeks. Holland stepped next to her and took her hand. She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder."Ellis?" Hemsworth asked.Ellis looked up from the display, a disconcerted expression on his face. "I don't understand;” he murmured, leaning down and feverishly working on the equipment. "They're hearing it. I know they're hearing it;”"It's not working? She just spoke more than it took to knock out the entire bridge crew! What do you mean it's not working?" Hemsworth said, frustrated. Karen looked at Holland, who simply shrugged.Captain Hemsworth frowned with determination and motioned to Karen, "Speak again. Louder. Talk about the cobb salad! Men, brace yourselves!" he ordered."Cobb salad?" Karen repeated, surprised. "Oh, well, um; it's just yummy. It's got hard boiled eggs, tomatoes, bacon, and avocado on a bed of lettuce; chives and bleu cheese over the top is good, too. The nice thing is that all the ingredients are put into neat little rows across the lettuce, so you can choose exactly what you want in each bite! It's not just a big mess like other salads. You know, I could make you one ; do you guys have avocadoes?" she said enthusiastically, looking to Holland.Holland immediately began looking up something on his hand-held computer. "Av-o-ca-does; do they yield their young willingly, or do we need to;""What the hell is going on???" Captain Hemsworth yelled, grabbing Holland's ear and looking inside. "Holland! You're not wearing protection! Why aren't you unconscious on the floor?""Oh, um; they were kind of uncomfortable, and they made it hard to hear what she was remembering, and;""You Remembered With The Karen? What Is Wrong With You?" Hemsworth shouted, before calming himself. "Momoa, get some caffeline ready. I need to hear her again," he said, bracing himself as he pulled what looked like slugs out of his ears. "Speak again about the salad;”"Okay, uh; most like to eat it with a vinaigrette? I think that gets to be a bit too much if there's bleu cheese on top, though. Sometimes I'll get it with ranch or something creamy because then;""What the hell, Holland! What did you do to The Karen? I barely feel anything!" Hemsworth yelled, grabbing Holland by the uniform."Um; I don't know; we just talked and remembered; you know, she's really nice, if you get to;""Dammit, You've Broken The Karen, Holland! How Are We Supposed To;" Captain Hemsworth yelled until he was interrupted by a knock nearby.Lieutenant Ellis activated a control on his display and a hole formed in the wall of the room. An assembly of Priamites entered the room, as smoothly as if they were rolled in on a platform together. The crew of the Onan immediately fell prostrate on the floor before them. Karen, unwilling to lie face-down on a floor she hadn't cleaned herself, looked around uncomfortably and gave the assembly a small wave. One Priamite raised her hand to return the gesture but was quickly stopped by her neighbor."Welcome, crew of the Onan," one of the assembly said, followed by the rest of the assembly nodding agreeably. "We are most appreciative of all your; efforts. We realize that you have dedicated several of your lifetimes to freeing our civilization from the throes of pornographic addiction, and for your many sacrifices, we thank you," the speaker said, then glanced around uncomfortably at the others. "Most unexpectedly, ah; while the Eros Curse was most distressing to the initial generations, the subsequent generations acclimated to it rather quickly. Then, as fashions changed, the Eros Curse became more of a joke, really; dance mixes were made, memes;”"Excuse me?" Captain Hemsworth said, lifting his face from the floor."I mean, sure, the Eros Curse is still out there. It's just that it's just become something people live with. It doesn't take over our lives, but some indulge in it a little after the kids have gone to bed for the night. I mean, it's not really such a big deal. It adds a little spice to an otherwise boring life, you know?""Boring life?" Hemsworth repeated, rising to his feet. "Are you telling me that all of Priam just walks around, living life, thinking about; that?""Well, yes, but we are very grateful for all you and your crew have done for us. We express our thanks to all the crews of the ships we loaded up with uptight intellectuals that were determined to rid our civilization of; alternative thoughts. We have come here to present you and your crew with a commemorative plaque for all your;""Is this some kind of joke?" Hemsworth said, pacing around. "I've been trekking throughout the universe looking for a cure to your abhorrent lust-filled thoughts and now you just want to give me a plaque for a lifetime of sacrifice because you don't see a problem with your disgusting sticky existence?""Well, there's no need to kink-shame;” the assembly spokesperson muttered, "Honestly, you never wondered why they sent the most uptight assholes on the planet off on a vague 'mission' and never really asked for progress reports?""I don't believe this;” Hemsworth said, his eyes bulging, nostrils flaring. "We've sacrificed our lives for nothing???""Oh, I see where this is going;” Karen said to Holland, who seemed to be trying to assume a duck-and-cover position."How could you do this to us???" Hemsworth yelled."Use the diaphragm for projection, baby; you can do it;” Karen encouraged."I Want; To See; The Manager!" Captain Hemsworth yelled at the top of his lungs, causing a feedback loop to screech throughout the room. The last thing Karen saw before falling unconscious was the sight of every Priamite in the room projectile vomiting on each other. The stench was overwhelming.Karen's Humility.Karen lifted her face off the bathroom floor, overwhelmed by the stench. She brushed off a spare piece of toilet paper stuck to her face, as she tried to remember what had happened. Her lungs burned from what she slowly recognized as pepper spray. She gathered her purse and stumbled out of the stall and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red, and a bruise was swelling where her cheek hit the floor. She splashed some cold water on her face and wiped off the makeup that streaked in the process. This was Snookers; not Baker's Pie. She had just ripped a kid a new asshole for not having cobb salad on the menu. What was she doing with her life?Upon exiting the bathroom, she ran into Travis the Waiter, who looked like he had just splashed water on his face, too. Dread and unease filled his face upon seeing her before it was quickly masked into concern. "Oh, um; are you okay? Can I get you some ice for that?" he asked, looking at the bruise on her cheek."What? Oh, no, honey. I'm okay. I just fell," she said, before meeting his eyes and taking his hand in hers. "Travis, I'm so sorry about the way I treated you. That was awful, and I have no excuse. You didn't deserve that.""It's okay; it happens," Travis said, carefully."It shouldn't, though. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. Would you mind if I just gave you some cash to cover the meal and snuck out of here? God knows what that group of biddies will gossip about when I go out there like this," Karen said, gesturing to herself."Yeah, that should be no problem," Travis said, taking the money she offered. "Are you sure you're okay?"Karen nodded, "I'm fine. I've just got some things to do. You've got a sweet heart, honey. Keep listening to it."Karen swallowed nervously as she went up the walkway to the small suburban house. She hadn't called before coming. It was rude of her not to call ahead of time, but then again, she was pretty sure that her number had been blocked. She didn't know if her oldest son had gone "no contact" or just "low contact" with her, but she was pretty sure her daughter-in-law would threaten to call the police within five minutes of her ringing the doorbell. Nevertheless, when she got up to the door, Karen put her finger forward and rang the bell."What do you want, Karen?" Hailey's terse voice came through the doorbell."Oh; you got one of those camera doorbell things; that's nice;” she began, unsure of how to say what was in her heart without a face in front of her."What do you want?" Hailey repeated."Um; I wanted to talk with you;""The last time you wanted to 'talk' with me, you just wanted to see my kids while you criticized my inadequate housekeeping, my inept child-rearing, and my unattractive post-pregnancy body. So, forgive me if I'd prefer not to have a heart-to-heart, Karen," Hailey interrupted."You're right," Karen said, looking at the dark circle holding the doorbell's camera. "I did that. I did that. I have not been kind to you. When Cal Jr. brought you home, I was not welcoming. I should have been; because you deserved that. You deserved it because you made my son happy. You have made him happier than I've ever known him to be; and that's what I've always wanted for him. If you were just like me, if you did all the things that I obnoxiously told you to do; he wouldn't be half as happy as he is with you; just as you are. If for no other reason than my son's happiness, you have my gratitude. I'm sorry that I've wasted the chances you've given me to know you better. You're brave and confident and funny. Honestly, I think you're the person I wished I could have been at your age. I'm sorry for a lot of things but being wasteful; saying thoughtless things that hardened people's hearts; those are the things that I wish I could take back the most. So, um;” Karen said, checking her notes on her phone's notepad to make sure she got all the points she wanted, "that's pretty much it. Oh, and I put that chocolate mousse recipe you liked on this index card so you can make it, but feel free to call me if you can't read my writing; or if you, you know, ever need anything."Karen nodded at the doorbell and started back down the walkway toward her car, blinking back tears. She had wasted so much time, so many chances. She didn't know if there was a point in trying again now, but she had to. She wasn't getting any younger.As she reached the end of the walkway, she was nearly knocked over by two little bodies running into her and grabbing onto her legs. Tears fell freely down her cheeks as she bent down to pick up her grandchildren, kissing them until they tried to wiggle away. As they started simultaneously telling her everything they had been doing while she was away, Karen's eyes drifted up to the doorway where her pierced and tattooed daughter-in-law stood. "Thank you" Karen mouthed silently over her grandchildren's backs.Karen pushed open the doors of Forest Glenn Hospice Care, her bag stuffed with an array of items and went up to the front desk. "Karen Weaver. I'm here for Dana Stevens," she said.The new girl at the reception desk looked at Karen with quiet unease. "Um; Ms. Stevens has requested only visitors who have;" Karen smirked and lifted the wig off her head, revealing her clean-shaven head. "Oh! Great! Go right in," she said, relieved.The corridor of the hospice facility was peaceful and quiet; exactly the kind of thing the old Dana would hate. Entering her room, Karen looked for any signs that other visitors had been to see Dana but saw nothing. Dana was napping again, her face drawn and gaunt, but thankfully not in pain. Karen put down her bag in a nearby chair and took out a rolled-up electronic piano keyboard and unfurled it on a table next to the hospital bed. As she was on her hands and knees trying to find an outlet to use, she heard Dana clear her throat. "What the hell is that?" she asked, smirking as she nodded at the keyboard."Your afternoon's entertainment. I ordered it on Amazon; you should have seen the bitchy reviews. Reminded me of you. Mind you, I haven't played since Cal got rid of the piano when it didn't fit in the Brooklyn apartment, so you're in for a treat," Karen said, rubbing her hands together and moving her glasses on top of her head so she could see the keyboard controls."Calvin Carmichael in a Brooklyn apartment. My god. What was it that emptied the Carmichael family coffers after they stole you away from me, again?" Dana asked, her sunken eyes taking in every detail of Karen's face as she hovered over the keyboard."Bernie Madoff; cleaned 'em dry. His parents were ever so shocked when they had to sell their properties and move to Florida," Karen said. "They weren't poor; they had enough to retire, but; they were horridly middle class.""Karma's a bitch," Dana said, pushing back against her pillows to sit up more. "Kare; I'm so sorry I didn't talk with you when you came back to the apartment. I could have helped you; we both would have helped you."Karen's smile faded, remembering and wondering what might have been. Dana would have helped her, but she was certain Dana's help would be help to get an abortion; and then she would never have had the joy of knowing her grandchildren. Dean would have; well, it was impossible to know what he would have done, but he would have helped. "Well, consider this your punishment," Karen said, stretching her fingers. "Are you ready?""I'm on opiates, baby. Bring it on;” Dana said, a smile moving across her face.Karen's fingers moved across the keys, and at first, she was put off by the strangeness of the keys and the sensation of tapping on something flat instead of the feel of a piano. Then, memory took over and her hands remembered the dance. Years fell away as she was filled again with the joy of making music. She started with "Clair de lune," a gentle Debussy chosen to respect the frailty of her friend's condition.Upon playing the final chords, she looked up for her friend's reaction to see that Dana had covered her face with a pillow in an attempt to smother herself. "God, you're rusty. You used to be better than me. What have you been doing with those hands?" she complained."Raising kids; kneading dough; finding random women's' panties when I changed sheets on the bed," Karen said, ruefully."Should've jumped Dean while you had the chance;” Dana murmured.Karen bit her lips and closed her eyes. "Um; how; how is he?"Dana stared into Karen's eyes for a painfully long moment, then looked out the window, away from Karen. "Life; life wasn't kind to him. After I graduated, he moved back home to take care of Nana. He only came to the city to look after me, anyway. Living alone hardened him. I haven't seen him in years; not that I'd want to see what he's become. Sometimes you just need to let people go, Kare," she said, sighing sadly. "Anyway; I need a laugh. Show me how pathetic your Jerry Lee Lewis catalog is.""Yes, ma'am," Karen said, blinking back tears and starting into "Great Balls of Fire."The wind coming through the drivers' side window ruffled the inch-long cap of vivid red hair that had grown on Karen's head as she drove down the winding West Virginia roads that she hadn't seen in 30 years. The beauty of this place still softened and relaxed her as much as it had, oh so long ago. Despite Dana's warnings, Karen's heart demanded that she make this trip; and after all she had lost, she was determined to listen to her heart from now on, until she could no longer hear it.She frowned at her passenger and began coughing as a noxious odor swirled around, filling her SUV. She rolled her window down further in self-preservation. This was probably a bad idea; but after all these years of thinking things through and being sensible, she felt entitled to indulge in a few harebrained schemes."Country road; take me home; to the place; I belong; West Virginia; mountain mama; take me home; country road;” she sang, smiling as the wooded foothills rose up in the distance. The path became rough when she turned by the Stevens mailbox and began bouncing up through the woods toward the cozy home. Her passenger surveyed the woods around the vehicle with increasing excitement.Karen started doubting herself, though. It was ridiculous, the more she thought about it. All her emails had gone unanswered. The phone number she was given was out of service. Three decades had passed since she came here; why would he want to see a 50-something woman with an unflattering haircut and stretch marks just because he had fallen in love with the 20-something version of her? Would Dean even remember her at all? She ran through her plan again in her mind again. It sounded really stupid, now. At least it would let her make a quick exit if things didn't work out, though.She broke out in a cold sweat when the house came into view. It was just as she had remembered it, maintained well, but not changed. It was like a holy place, kept perfectly through the ages in reverence for what it represented.She pulled up to the house and parked. No one emerged, so she would have to go in. She would have to go knock on that door and see the unrecognition or even disappointment in his eyes. She needed to go tell him about his sister. Opening the door, she slid out and hopped to the ground and stretched her legs. Suddenly, a braying roar filled the air and a wall of fur launched itself from behind the house and came for her. "SIT!" Karen yelled. Her command, though impressive, appeared only to be a gentle suggestion to the monster that continued to charge her. "STAY!" Karen shouted. This recommendation also appeared to go unheeded."BUSTER, NO!" a voice from the porch yelled, and Karen couldn't help but stare at her first glimpse of Dean in decades. He looked wild. Wild hair, wild beard, a body that had to be formed by the wilderness, itself. Not a drop of civilization tainted the essence of this man; and it made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. Karen began walking toward him, completely forgetting about the fearsome beast avalanche coming to bury her. Dean jumped down from the porch and began running toward the flurry of fur and teeth that had bent its path upon Karen's destruction.A split second before Buster reached Karen, the passenger of her vehicle silently flew out, tackled him with a full-body slam and the two went rolling back from where Karen now stood next to Dean. The two tumbled, tearing up the grass and knocking over the woodpile in the commotion. Buster yelped loudly and jumped free of the massive shaggy-furred beast that was still intent upon teaching him some manners. "Judith, come!" Karen called, and with a final snarl at Buster, Judith returned to where Karen stood and sat by her side, still glaring to where Buster stood looking dumbfounded."Well, I'll be damned;” Dean murmured, looking at the still-cowed Buster in wonder."Girl dog privilege," Karen replied simply. "What is that thing, anyway?" she asked, nodding to where Buster now stood whining and trying to approach the growling Judith."Bernese Mountain Dog; Great Pyrenees; and probably a bit of German Shepherd;” Dean murmured, turning toward her. His eyes traveled over her slowly and boldly."Judith's Akita and Malamute; she was turned into the shelter because she always thinks she's right," Karen said. "That, and she farts something awful."

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 1Desperate aliens kidnap a Karen to save their world!Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the starship Onan, the Priamites dubiously watched the screen display the creature. Dr. Fehr's algorithm had brought them trekking across the galaxy to a smallish, blue planet around an unimpressive star. While there was no denying the power emitted by the angry, festering organic matter before them, the thought of containing it and bringing it back to Priam was daunting. Still, the fate of their world hung upon the success of their mission."Do we have; uh; audio yet, Lieutenant Cavill?" Captain Hemsworth said, pausing briefly to joylessly ejaculate into his cumsuit, which quickly reclaimed the essence he emitted and channeled it into one of the suit's containment pouches to be resorbed as nourishment.Ever since the people of Eros had unleashed their horrific weapon on them, the Priamites orgasmed almost constantly. The Eros Curse, which seemed like a gift at first, became a tool of enslavement and oppression as the great Priam civilization devolved into listless people who passed the time sitting and staring at nothing in particular. Even special holidays were simply spent gathered in each other's' houses, grunting intermittently. The children of Priam, spared by the curse of Eros by living in growth pods, were never exposed to the disease or its effects until the seemingly arbitrary age of 18, so at least there was no trouble with the censors. The demands of orgasming so frequently took its toll on the Priamite's bodies. Dehydration, muscle spasms, and fatigue were common. The effects on the mind were worse. It wasn't until the invention of the cumsuit, which not only reclaimed the fluid loss and prevented dehydration, but also reduced arousing sensations until the wearer was nearly numb, that it was possible for them to journey out into the stars in search of a cure.Guided by the ancient journals of the revered Dr. Fehr, the Priamites had come to a small planet where it was foretold that there was a force of great and terrible power. It was hoped that this force could be used to break free of the cruel Eros Curse, but time was running out. Even wearing the cumsuits, the crew of the Onan, who were the most stoic, intellectual and sexless men of Priam, felt themselves progressively weakening to the Curse. It was only a matter of time until they lost all sense of duty and simply went adrift through the universe."No audio yet, Captain. The resonant frequency is so shrill that if we don't modulate the pitch; uh;” Lieutenant Cavill replied, closing his eyes and shaking as he orgasmed, then collapsed and stared blankly at the control panels as he recovered.Another crewman took over at the panel, "Captain, I can give you audio, but only for a short time. Even on their planet, they; they; oh; oh fuck;” the replacement said, stiffening as he spurted inside his suit, then shook his head to clear it and looked to their leader for orders. Captain Hemsworth braced himself in his chair and nodded for him to activate audio.A horrendous braying screech filled the bridge, “ No Idea Why You People Can't Even Take An Order Right! I Ordered The Cobb Salad With Extra Avocado! I Don't Care If It's Not On There Or Not! Fix The Damn Menu! I Have Been Coming Here For Over 15 Years And I Know For A Fact That You People Had Cobb Salad On There Two Years Ago When You Were Called Baker's Pie;"Another voice interjected, soft and conciliatory, "Oh, yes, ma'am; I see the confusion. The Baker's Pie that was here went out of business. This restaurant is Snooker's, now, so we don't have the same menu, but our club salad is very similar to;""Are You Actually Interrupting Me? Get. Me. A. Cobb. Salad. Extra Avocado! Do You Understand? Extra Avocado! Mucho Amortado! Comprendo Estupido?"Even in that short interlude, most of the Onan's bridge crew had begun bleeding from their ears and collapsing onto the deck. Captain Hemsworth, a man of rare tolerance and stamina, struggled past their unconscious bodies to the control panel and lowered the volume until it was barely audible. "Computer, disburse caffeline into bridge life support systems, 15 parts per million," he mumbled, leaning on the control panel for support as the strong stimulant hissed into the room. He didn't like to use the drug, because the heightened energy it gave often led to periods of prolonged involuntary masturbation, but he couldn't afford to waste time for the crewmen to awaken naturally. Not when conditions were so dire on Priam.Lieutenant Cavill groaned and rose weakly, climbing back into his console chair and checking the readings. "What happened, Captain? Our scans showed a primitive civilization on the planet without any meaningful defenses. What was that? Some kind of weapon?" he asked.Captain Hemsworth did a double-take at the crewman in wonder, but he said nothing. All around him, he watched the rest of the crew slowly getting to their feet and going back to their positions. All the men were alert, aware, and focused on their duties. Several of them were talking to each other; in full uninterrupted sentences. No one drooled, no one's eyes rolled back; not one of them stared off into space, as if dully re-living the curse that had infected their brains. He, himself, had not even felt the urge to sexually relieve himself once, even with the high levels of caffeline in the air. Indeed, he had not felt anything below the waist; not since he heard that voice. He doubted whether he would have the urge to orgasm ever again. They had finally done it."That was no weapon, Cavill; it is what we came here to find. It's the cure that Dr. Fehr told us was here all along. Contact High Command and tell them; tell them we found it. Tell them we have found; The Karen.The man-eating woman.After straightening out the incompetent waiter on her order, Karen Carmichael excused herself from her prayer group's table and walked to the restrooms, incensed. What kind of man actually cries when taking an order for a salad? Probably gay; or whatever kids were calling themselves these days. Was there such a thing as "gay" anymore, when people "identified" themselves as whatever the hell occurred to them? What was the point of picking a sexuality when people didn't even have a species anymore?Of course, Travis the Waiter had to play the victim about it, too, making the entire restaurant gawk over at their table like they were monsters. He probably knew they were a nice church group and went out of his way to make trouble. Sure, they all scream for "tolerance," but their types couldn't wait to attack nice people of faith like her who showed the world what it was to be decent and pure of heart. Well, he could just kiss his tip money goodbye! Tipping had gotten ridiculous anyway; a generation of whiny babies feeling entitled to extra money just for doing their jobs. ‘If ‘; they did their jobs. She couldn't even get a salad; and, by God, if the Manager didn't make things right, her Yelp review on this place would burn a hole through people's screens!Karen pushed on the door to the restroom tightly clutching her can of pepper spray, because sexual predators were always trying to rape women like her in public restrooms, and she nearly screamed when the door opened. Wet paper towels were everywhere. The garbage bin was overflowing, and some slob had splashed water all over the sink area! Now, she'd have to make the Manager take care of this, too! More drama, when she just wanted to have a nice lunch with her friends. And, of course, the Manager would just try to ‘handle ‘; her; as if she was some unreasonable bitch just for wanting to use a facility that wasn't absolutely disgusting! Then looking near her, but not at her, the Manager would apologize in that fake-nice voice and offer to comp her meal; offering her even more of what was bad in the first place. Managers and their fake apologies. They weren't sorry. The soulless jerks never meant it. They just wanted her to go away; acting like she was a scamming thief instead of someone who just wanted to be treated decently.She settled on the toilet and tried to calm herself. Lately, half the time she wanted to cry, or scream, or tear out her hair; but it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change. Everything changed around her, though. Menus; her children; hairstyles; prices; everything changed. It felt like everything had just left her behind. She looked everywhere for the things she used to love, but she couldn't find them anymore; and if she did find them, they weren't the same as they once were. Nothing made her feel her joy like she used to. That was it. Maybe she was done; that her turn at having any real joy was over. Now, the only time anyone tried to make her happy, or even looked at her, was when she screamed at them.Karen opened her eyes to a rattling sound at the door of her long, handicapped-bathroom stall. "Occupied!" she called out. To her dismay, the dial holding the sliding bolt turned all by itself and the door unlocked. "Hey! Get out!" she yelled, grabbing her pepper spray and holding it in front of her while she tried to stand and pull up her yoga pants."Nice human; good human;” a vaguely disembodied male voice said as a dark, hooded figure in a bizarre form-fitting spacesuit stepped into her stall holding what looked like a staff with a flexible loop affixed to the end of it. It slowly stepped toward her, as cautiously as one might approach a spooked animal. "Human want a nice piece of kale? Yes you do! Yes you do! Who's a good human?" it asked, holding out a curly dark green leaf to her and shaking it temptingly."What the hell?" she yelled, fumbling with the pepper spray can and trying to figure out how to make it work, just as the loop at the end of the staff went down over her head and around her neck, cinching tight.Karen choked, clutching at the loop with one hand, trying to loosen it so she could breathe, and with the other she emptied the can of pepper spray into the hooded face of her attacker. She struggled wildly, but the staff with the loop effectively controlled her and prevented her from landing any punches or kicks on her attacker. As darkness started creeping in on her vision, the last thing she saw was the figure deeply inhale the cloud of pepper spray and hold its breath, then say in a choked voice, "Ready for transport, sir; and man, they've got some good shit down here;”The forgotten leaf of kale fell down next to where Karen's cheek was pressed against the filthy bathroom floor, and with what she feared was her dying breath she choked out, "I want; to see; the; Manager;”Karen's ne victim."I used kale, Sir. Worked like a charm. It's one of the most nutritionally dense materials on the planet, so naturally, it was irresistible," a larger Priamite said to Captain Hemsworth, as he stripped out of his protective suit in a small enclave, bathed in an undulating light.Captain Hemsworth nodded. "Good work, Commander Momoa. Decontaminate for a full four cycles and I want protective measures in place for all personnel. God knows what this thing is capable of when it wakes."Karen heard garbled voices nearby, but kept her eyes closed and tried to steady her breathing. What had happened? The air smelled odd; almost crackling with ozone and energy, like a storm coming. The ambient sounds of the room told her she was not in Snookers anymore. Probably human traffickers. She saw a whole show about it. The bastards kidnapped her and were going to sell her into sexual slavery; except that she wasn't a teenager. She was 51 years old. Nobody would pay for sex with her, much less risk a felony conviction for it. Any ransom demands sent to her husband were going to have disappointing results, as well. So, what was going on? Why was she here? The kids were in college and wouldn't even notice she was gone until Christmas came. Her friends; her passive-aggressive competitors, if she was being honest; they'd just assume she left in a huff and stiffed them on the lunch check. The cold, hard truth was: nobody cared about her anymore and she knew it. That meant, if she was going to get out of this, she would have to do it herself. Her cheek hurt where it had hit that disgusting bathroom floor and she reached her hand up to touch it. The voices yelped in alarm and Karen opened her eyes to see two figures backing away from the enclosure she was imprisoned in."Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my purse?" she yelled, pushing herself to her feet. She walked toward them, crossing her arms and glaring. "I want whoever is in charge over here right now! I mean it!" she yelled, pointing as she walked toward them. One of the figures screamed, clutched at his ears and doubled over, staggering around the room dramatically. The other, larger one she recognized from the restaurant bathroom was in some tanning-booth-looking-thing, half naked and gorgeous in a likely-sexual-predator kind of way. Rather than flailing around the room, he seemed to have gone into a catatonic trance. God, people were useless. "You! Himbo!" she shouted, pointing at him. "Where is my purse? Did you even think to get it when you kidnapped me, or am I going to miss my Ozempic shot? I hope to God you assholes have good lawyers!"The beefy kidnapper in the tanning booth wobbled, then vomited loudly. Karen snorted as he slid down to the floor, unconscious. Pathetic. The smaller figure dove toward a panel on the wall next to her enclosure and pressed a few buttons and she heard the ambient noise of her room change, like it was encased, somehow."I've muted it. It's become even stronger than before;” Captain Hemsworth gasped, helping Commander Momoa to his feet again."How are we going to get it back to Priam? We could choke it out again every time it awakens; give the privilege out as a reward to the crew?" Commander Momoa suggested eagerly."No," Captain Hemsworth said, coming closer to the force field separating him from the angry Karen still yelling and pointing from inside the enclosure. "The cumulative effects of throttling it constantly might affect its functioning. We need The Karen at full power if we are to rescue Priam. We need to keep it conscious. We must feed it, provide it breathing gasses, and keep it clean; it appears to be constantly decaying. That reminds me ; cleaning duty goes to Ensign Holland. He's still on my shit list after the incident with the Zendayans.""Aye, sir."Captain Hemsworth cleared his throat and pressed another button on the side panel. "Hail Karen, bringer of blessed flaccidity, destroyer of abhorrent lust, and banisher of all erotic thought. We are men of the planet Priam. We mean you no harm. We come to you seeking aid, and we come in peace. Actually, until we found you, we would come almost constantly. It was disgusting. Everything was sticky. You see, our enemies from Eros sent us the most perfect pornographic images disguised in an innocent-looking email attachment. Once they were seen, they could not be unseen. They were burned into our brains, cursing us with perpetual arousal. The first wave of Priamites were taken by surprise once they activated the link. The next wave fell victim when the first wave posted the link on their social media because it was just so unbelievably; anyway, after the rest of our population fell out of curiosity or boredom, our civilization was nearly destroyed. We have been searching the stars for a cure, but to no avail. Then, just as all hope seemed lost, we found you; we heard your voice; and our loins finally withered. You are now a guest on my ship, The Onan, en route to my homeworld Priam. There, we will deliver your noxious, strident sounds to everyone, freeing them from their intransigent arousal. Then, after we are assured that all have been cured, we shall return you to your home."At this, Karen made an unpleasant face and began breathing on the clear wall of her enclosure, fogging it. Then, she quickly wrote a short message. "What does it mean?" Commander Momoa said, squinting at the squiggling lines she had made.At this, the computer made a chirp and began speaking, "The message, from the American dialect of the language English translates to: Why didn't you just make a recording?"Captain Hemsworth's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes with a sigh. Commander Momoa's eyes went wide and he clapped his hand over his face in exasperation. "Fuck;” Momoa said in realization. "A recording;”"Dammit. We didn't have to take her at all, did we?" Captain Hemsworth groaned.Karen glared at them and wrote another word on the wall. As certain as Captain Hemsworth was that he did not need or want the translation, the computer was already on the job. "'Dumbasses,'" the computer cheerfully intoned, "a colloquial phrase, plural of the insult 'dumbass,' meaning 'a foolish or stupid person.'""End translation. Yes, Karen, if we had thought to record your voice instead of kidnapping you, this might have been a much shorter story, and considerably less inconvenient, but as it is, we are closer to Priam than Earth at this point, and our course is set. We will bring you to Priam and then return you home. Perhaps kidnapping you was not the most well-considered solution, but I defy you to think clearly after constantly watching porn for eons and let me know if you do any better."Karen's new calling.Great; as if getting old wasn't insult enough, I've actually become an intergalactic sexual repellent, Karen thought to herself as she paced around her cell. A lifetime of trying to do things right, and this is what it gets me. She wasn't so surprised that there were aliens in the universe, or that they had somehow weaponized porn, but that with all their advancements they were still so stupid!Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the ambient sounds of her cell. Life had been so noisy, the last 30 years. Everyone needing her, pulling on her for one thing or another. No peace. Lately though, with the kids gone and Cal; otherwise occupied; life had gone silent. The silence that she had wished for held no peace when it finally came. It just reverberated with the memory of things that had left her behind, making her anxious to fill the emptiness with noise. Nothing came to lure her mind away from the silence, no pleasurable temptations; her duties were done and it felt wrong to do, or even think about, anything else. My god, she had been kidnapped, was flying through the galaxy, and was surrounded by beefcake aliens and she was still thinking about that stupid loose tile in the master bathroom; she needed to get it fixed before the house was sold.A slight sound outside her cell drew her attention. "Who's there?" Karen asked, softly, opening her eyes.A wide-eyed figure peered around the edge of her cell, moving with cautious curiosity. It seemed younger than the other ones. It moved with a sense of barely-restrained eagerness, adorable and earnest. It also held a curved sort of wand in its hand."Honey, if you're here to anally probe me, I'll pass. I already had a colonoscopy this year, I'll have them send you the records;” she murmured, not expecting an answer.After a pause as the figure listened to the translation, its large eyes got even wider. "Is that how you poop?" he asked."What?" she asked, looking more closely at the young alien."I'm supposed to clean your cell when you poop; but you haven't pooped yet; wait, do colonoscopies make you poop?" it asked, scandalized.Karen closed her eyes and shook her head, "No. Colonoscopies put a small camera up your ass so that we can pay a doctor to do what we were afraid aliens like you would do to us if we got drunk in cornfields too much. They don't make us poop. In fact; well, never mind;” she trailed off, embarrassed.She still had vivid memories of her first colonoscopy earlier in the year, drinking gallons of preparatory laxatives, and the resulting quality time with her phone on the toilet. It was an odd experience; not awful, but not one that she could talk to anyone about. Her friends only talked about their kids and their successes, or whose husband cheated on them with some young thing, viciously salivating over their friends' misery with barely concealed glee. Forget about talking through her fears about it with Cal; that wasn't something he was interested in. Not anymore.After the procedure, she had been scared and disoriented from the sedation. For whatever reason, Cal hadn't shown up to give her a ride home. The stupid clinic wouldn't let her leave until someone could drive her home and take care of her. She just sat there getting more and more anxious. Eventually, she called an Uber and begged Xabiib the driver to pretend to be her neighbor; or just someone who cared about her. She spent the ride home trying to say his name correctly while he chuckled and repeated it for her. It was so horrifyingly embarrassing. It's one thing to have no one care about you, but another thing to have the whole world know about it when you were helpless and confused.Tears had rolled down her cheeks and she absently wiped them off with her hand. The young alien sat up and craned his head to look at the liquid on her hand. Karen snorted, "At ease, Holland. It's not poop. You're not getting anything out of me unless you have some heavy-duty magnesium supplements or yogurt."Holland's eyes went wide, "Are humans telepathic???" he gasped. "How did you know my name? Wow, that's so cool! Do it again! What am I thinking about now?"Karen suppressed a smile. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingers to her temples and swayed from side to side, mysteriously. "I see something; something in the mist; something about; could it be; no, it makes no sense. Is it; a Zen; Zendayan? Does that make any sense to you?" she asked.Holland dropped his curved instrument in shock. "Yes! Yes! We just met them! We negotiated with them for supplies! I was there to carry stuff and; and;” he paused, shrinking in on himself a bit. "They are so beautiful. The Zendayans? So beautiful; and super nice; and just; like wow; I was supposed to just stand there until they were done with the talking and bowing and stuff, but they were just like so beautiful.""Well, what happened?" Karen asked."Captain introduced me and I bowed to them. I was feeling dizzy because, you know, their beautifulness just keeps radiating off them. Then; then; the most beautiful of them; she smiled." Holland stared at nothing, immersed in the memory, then wobbled, tipped over, and lay on the floor staring at the ceiling.Karen bit her lips in amusement. "I see. What did you do then?""I; I; I started talking and then I just couldn't stop because I was just trying to say how beautiful she was and how it just made my mind explode when she smiled and then I might have peed on the floor.""Oh dear," Karen said, cringing in sympathy. "We don't always put forward the face we want to when we are in our feelings, do we?" she said, quietly."Yeah; I've been cleaning poop ever since;” Holland sighed. After a while he sat back up, picked up the curved instrument and began twirling it in his hands. "So, like; what about you? Have you always made horrible noises?" he asked.Karen huffed, but then she saw the oblivious earnestness in Holland's face and sighed. "No; I wasn't always; like this. In fact, until about 30 years ago, I made beautiful noises. I was a pianist," she said."But, wait, they said you were a female;” Holland said, confused."Pee, an, ist," Karen repeated slowly. "I played the piano. It's an instrument; I was a musician. I was a student at Juilliard. It's a school on Earth; it was like a dream to even get in. I was on a scholarship, living in this shoddy apartment with my roommate Dana;” she trailed off, thinking about those days when everything seemed possible."Wait! Are you remembering?" Holland asked, breaking her reverie. "Can I remember it, too? Nobody wants to remember with me ever since the Zendayans, so I'm just left with my own memories and it gets so boring.""What are you talking about?""Well, it's kinda like; um; let me just show you. Computer, scan The Karen and project her memories," Holland ordered. A humming noise filled the room and a beam of light shot out of the wall and passed over her several times. Suddenly, her cell transformed into her shoddy apartment in Newark, New Jersey."Oh my gosh; it's just like it," Karen gasped looking around."Humans dream of getting into this?" Holland said, scrutinizing a cockroach scurrying along the floor."No, silly. This was our apartment across the river. We lived here when we weren't at school. Dana and I moved off campus in our second year. We took jobs on the side through an agency. That was when;” she sat down and a phone in the apartment's bedroom began ringing.A long, pale arm reached out of a pile of blankets on the bed and grabbed the phone. "Hullo?" Dana mumbled. A voice on the phone sounded irate. "Yeah, I'm almost there," she said and hung up.

 Karen Saves The Universe: Part 1Desperate aliens kidnap a Karen to save their world!Based on a post by LingeringAfterthought, in 3 parts. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.On the starship Onan, the Priamites dubiously watched the screen display the creature. Dr. Fehr's algorithm had brought them trekking across the galaxy to a smallish, blue planet around an unimpressive star. While there was no denying the power emitted by the angry, festering organic matter before them, the thought of containing it and bringing it back to Priam was daunting. Still, the fate of their world hung upon the success of their mission."Do we have; uh; audio yet, Lieutenant Cavill?" Captain Hemsworth said, pausing briefly to joylessly ejaculate into his cumsuit, which quickly reclaimed the essence he emitted and channeled it into one of the suit's containment pouches to be resorbed as nourishment.Ever since the people of Eros had unleashed their horrific weapon on them, the Priamites orgasmed almost constantly. The Eros Curse, which seemed like a gift at first, became a tool of enslavement and oppression as the great Priam civilization devolved into listless people who passed the time sitting and staring at nothing in particular. Even special holidays were simply spent gathered in each other's' houses, grunting intermittently. The children of Priam, spared by the curse of Eros by living in growth pods, were never exposed to the disease or its effects until the seemingly arbitrary age of 18, so at least there was no trouble with the censors. The demands of orgasming so frequently took its toll on the Priamite's bodies. Dehydration, muscle spasms, and fatigue were common. The effects on the mind were worse. It wasn't until the invention of the cumsuit, which not only reclaimed the fluid loss and prevented dehydration, but also reduced arousing sensations until the wearer was nearly numb, that it was possible for them to journey out into the stars in search of a cure.Guided by the ancient journals of the revered Dr. Fehr, the Priamites had come to a small planet where it was foretold that there was a force of great and terrible power. It was hoped that this force could be used to break free of the cruel Eros Curse, but time was running out. Even wearing the cumsuits, the crew of the Onan, who were the most stoic, intellectual and sexless men of Priam, felt themselves progressively weakening to the Curse. It was only a matter of time until they lost all sense of duty and simply went adrift through the universe."No audio yet, Captain. The resonant frequency is so shrill that if we don't modulate the pitch; uh;” Lieutenant Cavill replied, closing his eyes and shaking as he orgasmed, then collapsed and stared blankly at the control panels as he recovered.Another crewman took over at the panel, "Captain, I can give you audio, but only for a short time. Even on their planet, they; they; oh; oh fuck;” the replacement said, stiffening as he spurted inside his suit, then shook his head to clear it and looked to their leader for orders. Captain Hemsworth braced himself in his chair and nodded for him to activate audio.A horrendous braying screech filled the bridge, “ No Idea Why You People Can't Even Take An Order Right! I Ordered The Cobb Salad With Extra Avocado! I Don't Care If It's Not On There Or Not! Fix The Damn Menu! I Have Been Coming Here For Over 15 Years And I Know For A Fact That You People Had Cobb Salad On There Two Years Ago When You Were Called Baker's Pie;"Another voice interjected, soft and conciliatory, "Oh, yes, ma'am; I see the confusion. The Baker's Pie that was here went out of business. This restaurant is Snooker's, now, so we don't have the same menu, but our club salad is very similar to;""Are You Actually Interrupting Me? Get. Me. A. Cobb. Salad. Extra Avocado! Do You Understand? Extra Avocado! Mucho Amortado! Comprendo Estupido?"Even in that short interlude, most of the Onan's bridge crew had begun bleeding from their ears and collapsing onto the deck. Captain Hemsworth, a man of rare tolerance and stamina, struggled past their unconscious bodies to the control panel and lowered the volume until it was barely audible. "Computer, disburse caffeline into bridge life support systems, 15 parts per million," he mumbled, leaning on the control panel for support as the strong stimulant hissed into the room. He didn't like to use the drug, because the heightened energy it gave often led to periods of prolonged involuntary masturbation, but he couldn't afford to waste time for the crewmen to awaken naturally. Not when conditions were so dire on Priam.Lieutenant Cavill groaned and rose weakly, climbing back into his console chair and checking the readings. "What happened, Captain? Our scans showed a primitive civilization on the planet without any meaningful defenses. What was that? Some kind of weapon?" he asked.Captain Hemsworth did a double-take at the crewman in wonder, but he said nothing. All around him, he watched the rest of the crew slowly getting to their feet and going back to their positions. All the men were alert, aware, and focused on their duties. Several of them were talking to each other; in full uninterrupted sentences. No one drooled, no one's eyes rolled back; not one of them stared off into space, as if dully re-living the curse that had infected their brains. He, himself, had not even felt the urge to sexually relieve himself once, even with the high levels of caffeline in the air. Indeed, he had not felt anything below the waist; not since he heard that voice. He doubted whether he would have the urge to orgasm ever again. They had finally done it."That was no weapon, Cavill; it is what we came here to find. It's the cure that Dr. Fehr told us was here all along. Contact High Command and tell them; tell them we found it. Tell them we have found; The Karen.The man-eating woman.After straightening out the incompetent waiter on her order, Karen Carmichael excused herself from her prayer group's table and walked to the restrooms, incensed. What kind of man actually cries when taking an order for a salad? Probably gay; or whatever kids were calling themselves these days. Was there such a thing as "gay" anymore, when people "identified" themselves as whatever the hell occurred to them? What was the point of picking a sexuality when people didn't even have a species anymore?Of course, Travis the Waiter had to play the victim about it, too, making the entire restaurant gawk over at their table like they were monsters. He probably knew they were a nice church group and went out of his way to make trouble. Sure, they all scream for "tolerance," but their types couldn't wait to attack nice people of faith like her who showed the world what it was to be decent and pure of heart. Well, he could just kiss his tip money goodbye! Tipping had gotten ridiculous anyway; a generation of whiny babies feeling entitled to extra money just for doing their jobs. ‘If ‘; they did their jobs. She couldn't even get a salad; and, by God, if the Manager didn't make things right, her Yelp review on this place would burn a hole through people's screens!Karen pushed on the door to the restroom tightly clutching her can of pepper spray, because sexual predators were always trying to rape women like her in public restrooms, and she nearly screamed when the door opened. Wet paper towels were everywhere. The garbage bin was overflowing, and some slob had splashed water all over the sink area! Now, she'd have to make the Manager take care of this, too! More drama, when she just wanted to have a nice lunch with her friends. And, of course, the Manager would just try to ‘handle ‘; her; as if she was some unreasonable bitch just for wanting to use a facility that wasn't absolutely disgusting! Then looking near her, but not at her, the Manager would apologize in that fake-nice voice and offer to comp her meal; offering her even more of what was bad in the first place. Managers and their fake apologies. They weren't sorry. The soulless jerks never meant it. They just wanted her to go away; acting like she was a scamming thief instead of someone who just wanted to be treated decently.She settled on the toilet and tried to calm herself. Lately, half the time she wanted to cry, or scream, or tear out her hair; but it wouldn't matter. Nothing would change. Everything changed around her, though. Menus; her children; hairstyles; prices; everything changed. It felt like everything had just left her behind. She looked everywhere for the things she used to love, but she couldn't find them anymore; and if she did find them, they weren't the same as they once were. Nothing made her feel her joy like she used to. That was it. Maybe she was done; that her turn at having any real joy was over. Now, the only time anyone tried to make her happy, or even looked at her, was when she screamed at them.Karen opened her eyes to a rattling sound at the door of her long, handicapped-bathroom stall. "Occupied!" she called out. To her dismay, the dial holding the sliding bolt turned all by itself and the door unlocked. "Hey! Get out!" she yelled, grabbing her pepper spray and holding it in front of her while she tried to stand and pull up her yoga pants."Nice human; good human;” a vaguely disembodied male voice said as a dark, hooded figure in a bizarre form-fitting spacesuit stepped into her stall holding what looked like a staff with a flexible loop affixed to the end of it. It slowly stepped toward her, as cautiously as one might approach a spooked animal. "Human want a nice piece of kale? Yes you do! Yes you do! Who's a good human?" it asked, holding out a curly dark green leaf to her and shaking it temptingly."What the hell?" she yelled, fumbling with the pepper spray can and trying to figure out how to make it work, just as the loop at the end of the staff went down over her head and around her neck, cinching tight.Karen choked, clutching at the loop with one hand, trying to loosen it so she could breathe, and with the other she emptied the can of pepper spray into the hooded face of her attacker. She struggled wildly, but the staff with the loop effectively controlled her and prevented her from landing any punches or kicks on her attacker. As darkness started creeping in on her vision, the last thing she saw was the figure deeply inhale the cloud of pepper spray and hold its breath, then say in a choked voice, "Ready for transport, sir; and man, they've got some good shit down here;”The forgotten leaf of kale fell down next to where Karen's cheek was pressed against the filthy bathroom floor, and with what she feared was her dying breath she choked out, "I want; to see; the; Manager;”Karen's ne victim."I used kale, Sir. Worked like a charm. It's one of the most nutritionally dense materials on the planet, so naturally, it was irresistible," a larger Priamite said to Captain Hemsworth, as he stripped out of his protective suit in a small enclave, bathed in an undulating light.Captain Hemsworth nodded. "Good work, Commander Momoa. Decontaminate for a full four cycles and I want protective measures in place for all personnel. God knows what this thing is capable of when it wakes."Karen heard garbled voices nearby, but kept her eyes closed and tried to steady her breathing. What had happened? The air smelled odd; almost crackling with ozone and energy, like a storm coming. The ambient sounds of the room told her she was not in Snookers anymore. Probably human traffickers. She saw a whole show about it. The bastards kidnapped her and were going to sell her into sexual slavery; except that she wasn't a teenager. She was 51 years old. Nobody would pay for sex with her, much less risk a felony conviction for it. Any ransom demands sent to her husband were going to have disappointing results, as well. So, what was going on? Why was she here? The kids were in college and wouldn't even notice she was gone until Christmas came. Her friends; her passive-aggressive competitors, if she was being honest; they'd just assume she left in a huff and stiffed them on the lunch check. The cold, hard truth was: nobody cared about her anymore and she knew it. That meant, if she was going to get out of this, she would have to do it herself. Her cheek hurt where it had hit that disgusting bathroom floor and she reached her hand up to touch it. The voices yelped in alarm and Karen opened her eyes to see two figures backing away from the enclosure she was imprisoned in."Who the hell are you, and what have you done with my purse?" she yelled, pushing herself to her feet. She walked toward them, crossing her arms and glaring. "I want whoever is in charge over here right now! I mean it!" she yelled, pointing as she walked toward them. One of the figures screamed, clutched at his ears and doubled over, staggering around the room dramatically. The other, larger one she recognized from the restaurant bathroom was in some tanning-booth-looking-thing, half naked and gorgeous in a likely-sexual-predator kind of way. Rather than flailing around the room, he seemed to have gone into a catatonic trance. God, people were useless. "You! Himbo!" she shouted, pointing at him. "Where is my purse? Did you even think to get it when you kidnapped me, or am I going to miss my Ozempic shot? I hope to God you assholes have good lawyers!"The beefy kidnapper in the tanning booth wobbled, then vomited loudly. Karen snorted as he slid down to the floor, unconscious. Pathetic. The smaller figure dove toward a panel on the wall next to her enclosure and pressed a few buttons and she heard the ambient noise of her room change, like it was encased, somehow."I've muted it. It's become even stronger than before;” Captain Hemsworth gasped, helping Commander Momoa to his feet again."How are we going to get it back to Priam? We could choke it out again every time it awakens; give the privilege out as a reward to the crew?" Commander Momoa suggested eagerly."No," Captain Hemsworth said, coming closer to the force field separating him from the angry Karen still yelling and pointing from inside the enclosure. "The cumulative effects of throttling it constantly might affect its functioning. We need The Karen at full power if we are to rescue Priam. We need to keep it conscious. We must feed it, provide it breathing gasses, and keep it clean; it appears to be constantly decaying. That reminds me ; cleaning duty goes to Ensign Holland. He's still on my shit list after the incident with the Zendayans.""Aye, sir."Captain Hemsworth cleared his throat and pressed another button on the side panel. "Hail Karen, bringer of blessed flaccidity, destroyer of abhorrent lust, and banisher of all erotic thought. We are men of the planet Priam. We mean you no harm. We come to you seeking aid, and we come in peace. Actually, until we found you, we would come almost constantly. It was disgusting. Everything was sticky. You see, our enemies from Eros sent us the most perfect pornographic images disguised in an innocent-looking email attachment. Once they were seen, they could not be unseen. They were burned into our brains, cursing us with perpetual arousal. The first wave of Priamites were taken by surprise once they activated the link. The next wave fell victim when the first wave posted the link on their social media because it was just so unbelievably; anyway, after the rest of our population fell out of curiosity or boredom, our civilization was nearly destroyed. We have been searching the stars for a cure, but to no avail. Then, just as all hope seemed lost, we found you; we heard your voice; and our loins finally withered. You are now a guest on my ship, The Onan, en route to my homeworld Priam. There, we will deliver your noxious, strident sounds to everyone, freeing them from their intransigent arousal. Then, after we are assured that all have been cured, we shall return you to your home."At this, Karen made an unpleasant face and began breathing on the clear wall of her enclosure, fogging it. Then, she quickly wrote a short message. "What does it mean?" Commander Momoa said, squinting at the squiggling lines she had made.At this, the computer made a chirp and began speaking, "The message, from the American dialect of the language English translates to: Why didn't you just make a recording?"Captain Hemsworth's shoulders slumped and he closed his eyes with a sigh. Commander Momoa's eyes went wide and he clapped his hand over his face in exasperation. "Fuck;” Momoa said in realization. "A recording;”"Dammit. We didn't have to take her at all, did we?" Captain Hemsworth groaned.Karen glared at them and wrote another word on the wall. As certain as Captain Hemsworth was that he did not need or want the translation, the computer was already on the job. "'Dumbasses,'" the computer cheerfully intoned, "a colloquial phrase, plural of the insult 'dumbass,' meaning 'a foolish or stupid person.'""End translation. Yes, Karen, if we had thought to record your voice instead of kidnapping you, this might have been a much shorter story, and considerably less inconvenient, but as it is, we are closer to Priam than Earth at this point, and our course is set. We will bring you to Priam and then return you home. Perhaps kidnapping you was not the most well-considered solution, but I defy you to think clearly after constantly watching porn for eons and let me know if you do any better."Karen's new calling.Great; as if getting old wasn't insult enough, I've actually become an intergalactic sexual repellent, Karen thought to herself as she paced around her cell. A lifetime of trying to do things right, and this is what it gets me. She wasn't so surprised that there were aliens in the universe, or that they had somehow weaponized porn, but that with all their advancements they were still so stupid!Sighing, she closed her eyes and listened to the ambient sounds of her cell. Life had been so noisy, the last 30 years. Everyone needing her, pulling on her for one thing or another. No peace. Lately though, with the kids gone and Cal; otherwise occupied; life had gone silent. The silence that she had wished for held no peace when it finally came. It just reverberated with the memory of things that had left her behind, making her anxious to fill the emptiness with noise. Nothing came to lure her mind away from the silence, no pleasurable temptations; her duties were done and it felt wrong to do, or even think about, anything else. My god, she had been kidnapped, was flying through the galaxy, and was surrounded by beefcake aliens and she was still thinking about that stupid loose tile in the master bathroom; she needed to get it fixed before the house was sold.A slight sound outside her cell drew her attention. "Who's there?" Karen asked, softly, opening her eyes.A wide-eyed figure peered around the edge of her cell, moving with cautious curiosity. It seemed younger than the other ones. It moved with a sense of barely-restrained eagerness, adorable and earnest. It also held a curved sort of wand in its hand."Honey, if you're here to anally probe me, I'll pass. I already had a colonoscopy this year, I'll have them send you the records;” she murmured, not expecting an answer.After a pause as the figure listened to the translation, its large eyes got even wider. "Is that how you poop?" he asked."What?" she asked, looking more closely at the young alien."I'm supposed to clean your cell when you poop; but you haven't pooped yet; wait, do colonoscopies make you poop?" it asked, scandalized.Karen closed her eyes and shook her head, "No. Colonoscopies put a small camera up your ass so that we can pay a doctor to do what we were afraid aliens like you would do to us if we got drunk in cornfields too much. They don't make us poop. In fact; well, never mind;” she trailed off, embarrassed.She still had vivid memories of her first colonoscopy earlier in the year, drinking gallons of preparatory laxatives, and the resulting quality time with her phone on the toilet. It was an odd experience; not awful, but not one that she could talk to anyone about. Her friends only talked about their kids and their successes, or whose husband cheated on them with some young thing, viciously salivating over their friends' misery with barely concealed glee. Forget about talking through her fears about it with Cal; that wasn't something he was interested in. Not anymore.After the procedure, she had been scared and disoriented from the sedation. For whatever reason, Cal hadn't shown up to give her a ride home. The stupid clinic wouldn't let her leave until someone could drive her home and take care of her. She just sat there getting more and more anxious. Eventually, she called an Uber and begged Xabiib the driver to pretend to be her neighbor; or just someone who cared about her. She spent the ride home trying to say his name correctly while he chuckled and repeated it for her. It was so horrifyingly embarrassing. It's one thing to have no one care about you, but another thing to have the whole world know about it when you were helpless and confused.Tears had rolled down her cheeks and she absently wiped them off with her hand. The young alien sat up and craned his head to look at the liquid on her hand. Karen snorted, "At ease, Holland. It's not poop. You're not getting anything out of me unless you have some heavy-duty magnesium supplements or yogurt."Holland's eyes went wide, "Are humans telepathic???" he gasped. "How did you know my name? Wow, that's so cool! Do it again! What am I thinking about now?"Karen suppressed a smile. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingers to her temples and swayed from side to side, mysteriously. "I see something; something in the mist; something about; could it be; no, it makes no sense. Is it; a Zen; Zendayan? Does that make any sense to you?" she asked.Holland dropped his curved instrument in shock. "Yes! Yes! We just met them! We negotiated with them for supplies! I was there to carry stuff and; and;” he paused, shrinking in on himself a bit. "They are so beautiful. The Zendayans? So beautiful; and super nice; and just; like wow; I was supposed to just stand there until they were done with the talking and bowing and stuff, but they were just like so beautiful.""Well, what happened?" Karen asked."Captain introduced me and I bowed to them. I was feeling dizzy because, you know, their beautifulness just keeps radiating off them. Then; then; the most beautiful of them; she smiled." Holland stared at nothing, immersed in the memory, then wobbled, tipped over, and lay on the floor staring at the ceiling.Karen bit her lips in amusement. "I see. What did you do then?""I; I; I started talking and then I just couldn't stop because I was just trying to say how beautiful she was and how it just made my mind explode when she smiled and then I might have peed on the floor.""Oh dear," Karen said, cringing in sympathy. "We don't always put forward the face we want to when we are in our feelings, do we?" she said, quietly."Yeah; I've been cleaning poop ever since;” Holland sighed. After a while he sat back up, picked up the curved instrument and began twirling it in his hands. "So, like; what about you? Have you always made horrible noises?" he asked.Karen huffed, but then she saw the oblivious earnestness in Holland's face and sighed. "No; I wasn't always; like this. In fact, until about 30 years ago, I made beautiful noises. I was a pianist," she said."But, wait, they said you were a female;” Holland said, confused."Pee, an, ist," Karen repeated slowly. "I played the piano. It's an instrument; I was a musician. I was a student at Juilliard. It's a school on Earth; it was like a dream to even get in. I was on a scholarship, living in this shoddy apartment with my roommate Dana;” she trailed off, thinking about those days when everything seemed possible."Wait! Are you remembering?" Holland asked, breaking her reverie. "Can I remember it, too? Nobody wants to remember with me ever since the Zendayans, so I'm just left with my own memories and it gets so boring.""What are you talking about?""Well, it's kinda like; um; let me just show you. Computer, scan The Karen and project her memories," Holland ordered. A humming noise filled the room and a beam of light shot out of the wall and passed over her several times. Suddenly, her cell transformed into her shoddy apartment in Newark, New Jersey."Oh my gosh; it's just like it," Karen gasped looking around."Humans dream of getting into this?" Holland said, scrutinizing a cockroach scurrying along the floor."No, silly. This was our apartment across the river. We lived here when we weren't at school. Dana and I moved off campus in our second year. We took jobs on the side through an agency. That was when;” she sat down and a phone in the apartment's bedroom began ringing.A long, pale arm reached out of a pile of blankets on the bed and grabbed the phone. "Hullo?" Dana mumbled. A voice on the phone sounded irate. "Yeah, I'm almost there," she said and hung up.

This week the SUNDAY WIRE broadcasts on Alternate Current Radio, as host Patrick Henningsen returns with another live broadcast – this week we cover Trump's upending of the Ukraine narrative, as European leaders still pledging to back the eternal leader Zelensky. We speak to journalist Thomas Fazi about the historic turn in US policy, and whether the EU and NATO members will get their act together in time to save themselves for the economic and geopolitical abyss. We're also joined by pundit Basil Valentine for his analysis on the situation. All this and more. All this and more… Visit Thomas Fazi on Substack Watch this episode here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui6H8Njfb8M  This month's featured music artists: Red Rumble, Peter Conway, Joseph Arthur, Walk-On Army, Permanent Wave & Utility SUPPORT OUR MEDIA OUTLET HERE (https://21w.co/support)

Stimme des Snookers dankt ab, Eishockey-Deal, Buli-Vergabe rückt näher, die Tour bleibt im Ersten - das und vieles mehr in dieser neuen STS-Episode. In den News geht es neben den Buli-Rechten und Rolf Kalb um interessante Aussagen und Neuigkeiten vom RTL-CEO, Stefan Raab, einen interessanten Eishockey-Deal von Magenta und sd.tv, Tennis bei DF1, Sport bei Pro7, Liberty-Kauf der MotoGP, DAZN x Rally.TV, dem anstehenden Bayer-Meisterschaftssonntag und vieles mehr. In der Quotenanalyse geht es heute um das vergangene Bundesliga-Wochenende, das Pokalspiel der Saarbrücker, Formel 1 in Japan und DEL-Playoffs bei DF1. Bei den Bewertungen gibt es dann reichlich Tob und Tadel aus der Fußballwelt und ...Du möchtest deinen Podcast auch kostenlos hosten und damit Geld verdienen? Dann schaue auf www.kostenlos-hosten.de und informiere dich. Dort erhältst du alle Informationen zu unseren kostenlosen Podcast-Hosting-Angeboten. kostenlos-hosten.de ist ein Produkt der Podcastbude.Gern unterstützen wir dich bei deiner Podcast-Produktion.

Stimme des Snookers dankt ab, Eishockey-Deal, Buli-Vergabe rückt näher, die Tour bleibt im Ersten - das und vieles mehr in dieser neuen STS-Episode. In den News geht es neben den Buli-Rechten und Rolf Kalb um interessante Aussagen und Neuigkeiten vom RTL-CEO, Stefan Raab, einen interessanten Eishockey-Deal von Magenta und sd.tv, Tennis bei DF1, Sport bei Pro7, Liberty-Kauf der MotoGP, DAZN x Rally.TV, dem anstehenden Bayer-Meisterschaftssonntag und vieles mehr. In der Quotenanalyse geht es heute um das vergangene Bundesliga-Wochenende, das Pokalspiel der Saarbrücker, Formel 1 in Japan und DEL-Playoffs bei DF1. Bei den Bewertungen gibt es dann reichlich Tob und Tadel aus der Fußballwelt und ...Du möchtest deinen Podcast auch kostenlos hosten und damit Geld verdienen? Dann schaue auf www.kostenlos-hosten.de und informiere dich. Dort erhältst du alle Informationen zu unseren kostenlosen Podcast-Hosting-Angeboten. kostenlos-hosten.de ist ein Produkt der Podcastbude.Gern unterstützen wir dich bei deiner Podcast-Produktion.

On this week's episode, Stephen and Mark welcome Kasabian bassist Chris Edwards through the doors of the Snooker Club to discuss his love for the sport and its parallels with rock 'n' roll. Plus, your correspondence questions are answered, find out which legendary pop icon Stephen often gets mistaken for and hear from Mark Williams and Mark Selby in the WST roundup. Email: snookerclub@wst.tv

Barry Hearn, President of promotions company Matchroom Sport, sat down with Shane Hannon for a chat around the release of his new book. Barry's autobiography ‘My Life: Knockouts, Snookers, Bullseyes, Tight Lines and Sweet Deal' was released on April 28th. They spoke about baring his ass to allow Ronnie O'Sullivan to go professional, Chris Eubank's brilliant madness, and why Katie Taylor should be made 'queen of Ireland.'

In today's episode we talk food, fights and Fred Flintstone. Vinnie gets himself into a mini situation. Ronnie loses his flip flops. And what's that I hear? A grenade launcher firing off or could it be a hungry, hungry hippo? Someone teach Snookers how to duck, cause fists be flying...as usual. At the Jersey Shore, it's always CLOBBER'N TIME.  DISCLAIMER: Due to the nature and mature audience rating of Jersey Shore as a show, the podcast hosts may use language and refer to topics throughout this series that may be considered crude, distasteful or offensive. Listener beware and please use discretion if children are present. DISCLAIMER: Podcast hosts are covering these characters as they are portrayed to us in their reality series. We understand that "reality" is a loosely used term and many of the Jersey Shore cast have gone on to be very accomplished and changed individuals. We are simply covering their characters as they develop within the time and space of their own series. Please keep this in mind as you listen and formulate your own ideas about them and their storylines. Thank you! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Fan Zhengyi gegen Ronnie O'Sullivan ist das Finale des European Masters in Milton Keynes. Während sich der Chinese in einem engen Match gegen Graeme Dott durchsetzte, hatte O'Sullivan in seinem Halbfinale gegen Liang Wenbo keinerlei Probleme. Kathi und Christian sprechen über die beiden Matches, die Entwicklung des chinesischen Snookers und den Amateur-Weltmeister Si Jiahui. Fan ringt Dott nieder Fan Zhengyi hielt seinen sensationellen Lauf auch im Halbfinale aufrecht und bezwang Graeme Dott mit 6:4. Schon zur Pause führte der Chinese mit 3:1 und hielt mit besserem taktischen Spiel den Druck aufrecht. Ronnie O'Sullivan stürmte hingegen am Abend zu einem ungefährdeten 6:2-Sieg gegen Liang Wenbo, der damit gegen seinen Freund und Trainingspartner erneut einen Sieg klar verpasste. Si wird Amateur-Weltmeister Zur gleichen Zeit holte sich Si Jiahui in Sheffield mit dem Titel bei der Amateur-WM sein Profi-Ticket zurück. Im Endspiel ließ der Chinese seinem Gegner Lee Stephens beim 5:0 keine Chance und feiert in beeindruckender Manier die Rückkehr auf die Main Tour. Kathi und Christian sprechen über das Snooker-Geschehen von gestern und auch die Entwicklung im chinesischen Snooker allgemein.

On this episode I'm joined by Michael 'The Hitman' Holt, an extremely talented snooker player who is very well known on the tour. As a fan of Michael, it was a real pleasure to be able to chat with him about finally winning a ranking event, the dangers of baby poo and the John Higgins scoop that is almost too hard to believe.

In dieser Woche findet in Guangzhou die China Championship statt. Das Aushängeschild des chinesischen Snookers ist schon seit 15 Jahren, seitdem er auf die Tour kam, Ding Junhui. Großes wurde für ihn vorausgesagt. Er wird der erste Weltmeister aus China, wurde gesagt. Bislang konnte Ding Junhui die Erwartungen in ihn aber nicht zu 100% erfüllen. Ja, er hat schon große Titel gewonnen. Aber an "the big one", der Weltmeisterschaft, biss er sich bislang die Zähne aus. Dazu kam in den letzten 1 1/2 Jahren eine Ergebniskrise, die dazu führte, dass er in der Weltrangliste abrutschte. Gestern war es dann soweit. Ding Junhui unterlag Landsmann Zhao Xintong mit 5-3. Unglücklich war es, Xintong gewann drei Frames auf die letzte schwarze, aber es führte trotzdem zu einem kleinen Erdrutsch im chinesischen Snooker. Ab nächster Woche wird Yan Bingtao zum ersten Mal bester chinesischer Profi in der Weltrangliste sein. Andreas Thies und Christian Oehmicke sprechen natürlich über diese Wachablösung, haben aber auch einen Blick auf die anderen Ergebnisse des Tages. Judd Trump und Kyren Wilson setzten sich sehr überzeugend in die zweite Runde durch....

In dieser Woche findet in Guangzhou die China Championship statt. Das Aushängeschild des chinesischen Snookers ist schon seit 15 Jahren, seitdem er auf die Tour kam, Ding Junhui. Großes wurde für ihn vorausgesagt. Er wird der erste Weltmeister aus China, wurde gesagt. Bislang konnte Ding Junhui die Erwartungen in ihn aber nicht zu 100% erfüllen. Ja, er hat schon große Titel gewonnen. Aber an "the big one", der Weltmeisterschaft, biss er sich bislang die Zähne aus. Dazu kam in den letzten 1 1/2 Jahren eine Ergebniskrise, die dazu führte, dass er in der Weltrangliste abrutschte. Gestern war es dann soweit. Ding Junhui unterlag Landsmann Zhao Xintong mit 5-3. Unglücklich war es, Xintong gewann drei Frames auf die letzte schwarze, aber es führte trotzdem zu einem kleinen Erdrutsch im chinesischen Snooker. Ab nächster Woche wird Yan Bingtao zum ersten Mal bester chinesischer Profi in der Weltrangliste sein. Andreas Thies und Christian Oehmicke sprechen natürlich über diese Wachablösung, haben aber auch einen Blick auf die anderen Ergebnisse des Tages. Judd Trump und Kyren Wilson setzten sich sehr überzeugend in die zweite Runde durch....

In this episode we talk about Martin Truex Jr's victory at Sonoma, how the Furniture Row team tricked Kevin Harvick's team into pitting, and we talk about the news of the week, including our take on NASCAR's decision not to run the All Star package again in 2018. We also preview the Overton's 400 at Chicagoland Speedway this weekend, where Eric will be in attendance covering the race. Show notes at www.thesuperspeedway.com. Become a patron at www.patreon.com/thesuperspeedway.

With James Forsyth and Katy Balls. Presented by Fraser Nelson.

Featuring local player, Caveman, who talks about charity poker rules and trips to Pennsylvania and Florida. Also, Steeser helps break down the Hand of the Week. Music by Kid Rock.

Featuring MSPT commentator, Chris 'Fox' Wallace. Chris is also owner and instructor at Grinder University. Frank and Gambit discuss the MSPT and latest news about Snookers and charity poker.

Featuring local Ferndale pro, Jason 'icufish' Smith. Jason has over $1.6M in online tournament winnings and has had to adjust to life without online poker.

PLO strategy from local pro, Flytrap. Also, entertaining Vegas story from local player, 1Game, who also talks about his recent online tournament win on Lock Poker and discusses cashing out.

This is the October 6, 2011, show with local player, Pay4MySchool. Frank and Gambit talk about the purchase of Full Tilt Poker, and compare notes with Pay4MySchool on running it twice. Please visit our web site at http://www.mipokermonster.com/

This is the September 29, 2011, show with local player, Twoblack9s. Frank and Gambit also break down a session at Snookers in Utica. Please visit our web site at http://www.mipokermonster.com/