The Healthy Compulsive Project

Insecurity underlies many of the mental health challenges we all experience, as if we are always taking a test and always fearing failure. But what causes this insecurity and how do we become more secure? In this episode we explore the three most common aspects of insecurity (feeling unlovable, morally deficient, or lacking incompetence), the parental, environmental and cultural causes, the strategies we enlist to deal with the insecurity, and three steps to move toward healthy security.  

For those of you who are skeptical about whether therapy is effective, I get it. Who's to know whether what goes on behind closed doors does any good? And isn't it in the interest of the therapist to excavate all sorts of problems to keep those checks coming? Therapists actually share those sorts of suspicions. We want to know about the truth and about motivation. In this episode I explore some of the reservations people have about therapy, and how we can actually work with those concerns for your benefit.  

There's an increasing amount of research which suggests that spending at least two hours each week engaging with nature improves our well-being. And because of the epidemic of Nature Deficit Disorder (yes, it's a real thing), an increasing number of healthcare professionals are even prescribing time in nature. This research implies that it's beneficial for everyone, but there's good reason to believe that it can be particularly beneficial for people who are driven, Type A, and obsessive-compulsive, because they're faced with certain mental and physical challenges that being in nature can help with. Spending time in nature can help to balance a personality that is weighted far too heavily on the side of control, planning, perfecting, achieving and fixing.

Life is not easy, and we actually make it harder if we imagine we can sashay through it effortlessly. But we can also make life more difficult than it needs to be by imagining that the path forward is steeper than it really is. In this post I explore the effect of "Mountain Mirage," its causes and its cures. 

To have a good relationship we need to learn to speak the love languages that our partner can understand and feel. This can be particularly uncomfortable for people who are obsessive-compulsive, because they are most familiar with one particular language. But learning a new language is always good, and the energy and determination that come with being obsessive-compulsive can help you to learn it.

Whatever the motivation for withholding forgiveness, it often hurts the holder more than it hurts the offender. And as I'll show in this episode, not forgiving may be part of a larger mindset which blocks not just connection with that one person, but also a more fulfilling life.

Living like no-one is watching is a rewarding but somewhat risky approach to life. While not caring what others think can allow us to be authentic, it may also put us in harms way, or lead us to hurt others. This episode explores how to be real in a realistic way. 

Some of us live by our lists. We do whatever they tell us to do. Others dig their heels in and rebel against whatever chores have been assigned there. But who makes the list? Whoever does determines the power of lists to make our lives miserable or fulfilling.

How do you help a partner, relative or friend who feels suicidal? The situation is disturbing for anyone, and can be even more difficult for people who take too much responsibility and need to have things fixed and resolved. There are limits to what is within our control. And many of us feel too much responsibility in a situation like this. We like to think that there must be a solution to any and all problems—if we could just figure it out and work hard enough to execute that solution. But that's very idealistic, if not naïve. But your connection and listening can make more difference than you might think. Ideally, hearing themselves as they talk to you, and hearing you mirror their feelings empathically and simply, will help them realize that what needs to die is not they themselves, but their inner Dictator, Tyrant, or Judge, along with their unrealistic standards, black and white thinking, and self-attack. 

It might feel right at times to be all fired up and plowing through a messy house as if it were about to be condemned as inhabitable by the town, fixing errors in a discombobulated spreadsheet like your life depended on it, or planning every detail of your daughter's 10th birthday party so that she's guaranteed a spot on the social registry. But if you can't turn that fire down, you're going to burn up and burn out. I mean this physically and medically. Engaging in urgency on a regular basis will take it's toll on your physical health. Join me in this episode as we look at the effects of obsessive thinking and compulsive behavior on your physical well-being, and what you can do about it. 

It's human nature to have standards and to compare, but this tendency can go rogue and unleash harsh judgments on others—with results completely contrary to the original intentions. I have found it helpful to explore what triggers our judgment and to see what impact it has on the other person and ourselves as well. If we can learn to identify our motivations, acknowledge our shadow, try to understand what others go through and look at the impact judging has, we will be better equipped when we are tempted to judge others. 

Ah romance. What could feel better than falling in love? Bliss, delight, ecstasy. But those can happen only if we can let go enough to get things going, and enough to sustain them as things get more challenging. Nothing smothers romantic love worse than control. And this happens in more ways than you might expect. Today we'll explore some of the blocks from family and culture that can predispose us to block the very thing we want. 

While I find parts of the Tao Te Ching baffling, exasperating and mystifying, Lao Tzu's encouragement to accept things as they are still conveys an attitude toward life that I find to be a good counterpoint to my driven nature. Since Taoist wisdom can be especially useful to people who are compulsive, perfectionist, and obsessive, I thought it might be helpful for me to share how this enduring and poetic book has helped me.

I know that most of my listeners are passionately committed to doing the right thing, unfortunately that can lead to doing the wrong thing. If we get rigid about the way things should be and end up controlling people to achieve that, we can hurt others, damage our relationships, and even sabotage the greater good that we were aiming for. In this podcast I'll share what I believe are some of the origins of this tendency and 7 suggestions for living more flexibly. 

People with compulsive and obsessive tendencies tend to hold on to things—money, objects, time and ideas. We imagine that these things we hold on to make us more secure. But too often they bring us more stress than security. Some of the things we hold on to constitute our identity and worth. These are sacred cows in the worst sense—traits that we feel we can't question much less let go of. And these cows are a heavy burden to carry. We'll start with a story from the Buddha, explore scarcity mindset, and talk about two examples of women struggling with their sacred cows. Finally, we'll discuss how letting go of sacred cows can lead to more fulfillment.  lMB8tObSEfl1xD1abKMe

One way to free ourselves from unhealthy compulsive behavior is to understand our motivations, what drives and actually controls us. While we're all unique, there are ancient and common patterns that underlie the roles we take on in life such as mother, father, warrior, healer, savior, priest, jester, caretaker and leader. These patterns are known as archetypes, and they're illustrated in myths and symbols. These patterns exert a magnetic influence that can give us intuitive guidance and energy to help us do what we need to do. Or they can drag us into a perpetual rut of expectations and despair. Heroic energy can flow freely like water, or be frozen and rigid like ice. 

Self control does have some benefits for relationships. But it also has dangers. If your self-restraint keeps you from expressing positive and intimate feelings, it may leave your partner feeling disconnected and unloved, which doesn't encourage them to express their feelings either, and then things start to go downhill quickly. But if you can be more intentional in using your self control to actually express more, the relationship is more likely to thrive.  

Few of us make it through life without ever getting defensive.  Shields are universal and archetypal. But, at the risk of being dramatic, how defensive we get can dramatically affect our relationships and careers. Some people keep their Shield of protection up almost all the time. Others ram it into the other person's face. Both of these can severely limit not just relationships and work, but, as we'll see, your psychological growth as well. This episode explores the differences between being defensive, and appropriately defending ourselves, with examples, and suggestions for being less defensive and for handling the defensiveness of others. 

Lists can be either effective or excessive. They can help us to organize and prioritize what we need to do, and it feels great to cross things off. But they can also be very one-sided. Too often they are only about all the things we are supposed to do rather than the things we want to do. Why do lists have to be so bloody demanding, rather than allowing? Lists can be a place where you take a stand in allowing yourself to do the things you usually don't let yourself do. And that can actually make you more, rather than less, effective. But this goes deeper than just the practicalities of how you manage a list. It's also about the cultivation of your personality—individuation and becoming whole. It's about who's driving your car, and what parts of you get locked in the trunk. 

Most people get happier as they reach their 50s, 60s and 70s. But people who are obsessive, compulsive and perfectionistic may miss out on the potential benefits. Their default strategy of control can block the those benefits, and leave them metaphorically pushing a rock up a hill, only to have it come crashing down again. The solution is to relinquish some control and welcome all the aging has to offer. 

We often hear that we need to be able to let go, let go of things like resentment, control, limited identity, and replaying that embarrassing episode from last year's Christmas party. But letting go wasn't covered in the curriculum at your grammar school, or middle school, or high school. So today we're going to talk about how to develop this skill. It takes practice and courage, but it is possible to learn. 

Too often our efforts to be conscientious overshoot their goal and we become rigid and rulebound instead. Sometimes this is because we follow convention rather than conscience, and other times it's because we have forgotten our original motivation. In both cases, becoming more mindful of conscience and more skillful in how we execute it can put us back on track, rather than driving nowhere. 

Sitting still and watching their breathe may be the last thing most driven, perfectionist, and obsessive-compulsive people want to do. But it might be one of the most helpful things they can do. The benefits of mindfulness meditation for just about everyone have been well documented. In this post I'll explore some of the particular benefits for people who feel a constant need to fix, produce and resolve.  

Frugality can be a blessing or a curse. It can provide for you practically and prepare you for rough times. But it may also cost you emotionally. It can leave you stingy, obsessed, and austere. Knowing whether it's helpful or harmful for you requires that you know your own tendencies; Too withholding? Too indulgent? If you want to sort this out, it also helps to know your motivations. This isn't just about a bottom line. Depending on why you are being frugal, it can work for or against you. In this episode we'll listen in on an imagined therapy session with Franklin, whose frugality is causing conflict in his family and within himself. We will also explore the pros and cons of 4 different motivations for being frugal, and the scientific research about how money affects our well-being. 

Since people with obsessive-compulsive personality traits often feel that the right thing is to hold on to money, time, objects and compliments, they may miss out on the benefits of generosity. And since they tend to get engrossed in goals, projects, and fixing things, they may neurologically wire themselves into a narrow focus which excludes generosity. I can't guarantee you'll feel happier if you engage in large or small acts of kindness, but I do believe there is a very good chance that you will at least feel like your life has more meaning—and, silver lining for the compulsive—you'll feel like you have more control over your mood.

We like to think of ourselves as rational beings, behaving in accord with reasonable ideals. But we resort to rationalization and self-deception far more often than we may want to know. The results include anxiety, failure to be fulfilled, and conflict with others who are just as convinced that they're more reasonable than the other guy. This calls for honest self-reflection. But since reflecting on every little thing we do isn't a workable solution, let's start small and look at the ways we might justify trying to be perfect. 

When we have difficult decisions to make, it is as if we come to a crossroads and the choice becomes loaded with extra pressure. If we can recognize when we've entered this territory, and reflect on our decision-making process--rather than the content--we can feel more comfortable with our decisions, and improve our ability to be more decisive. Confidence in this process doesn't come from knowing we will get it right, but that we can handle whatever comes up. 

People pleasing and obsessive-compulsive personality occur together far more than many might think. Some people heroically put all their determination and perfectionism into making other people happy with the assumption that it will come back to them in love, support or affirmation. It often does not happen that way. In fact, it can backfire. 

The world can be really annoying. But we can question how annoyed we need to be. And examining our response can lead us to understand lots about ourselves. It could even make us happier. What do we expect of the world, and how do we handle it when it doesn't meet our standards? This isn't just about letting others off the hook, but an investigation into how we spend our energy, the quality of our relationships, and whether our priorities and our behavior match up.

Perfectionism has gotten a bad rap. Used well, it can serve us and others very well. Used badly, it kills the spirit. Perfectionism that feels necessary will grab and strangle you. Perfectionism that is simply desired can be very fulfilling. And watch where you bring it: it fits better in some arenas that others. 

The archetype of the Saint can draw people with obsessive-compulsive personality to a life of devotion—even if that devotion is not standard religious fare. Righteousness can become so pronounced that they—and those around them—can hear nothing other than that siren call to perfection. Religion is then used as justification for rigidity. The draw is understandable, because it seems to them so clear that being religious is the right thing to do. None of this is to dismiss the value of religion, but as encouragement to sort out a true spiritual calling from an unconscious need to prove that you have good character. 

We've all got a monster hiding under our bed: shame, fear, depression, or anger we feel we need to avoid. And we often try to avoid it with urgency: getting things done, fixing, and producing, always staying so focused on speed and efficiency that we lose site of what's most important. In this episode Gary explores the questionable strategy of urgency and how to return to the things that give our lives meaning. 

For some of us chaos is disturbing on a deep level. And it's often beyond our control. But the question is whether the chaos is just out there in the outer world, or in our inner world. Our assessment and our reaction to it determine partly just how chaotic it is. In this episode Gary shares some of his own personal experiences with chaos and how he has dealt with them. 

Living with urgency and living with ease are two opposite approaches to life.   If asked which we prefer, most of us would say ease, but few of us actually live that way. Join me in this episode to explore our surprising resistance to ease, the unhealthy side effects of urgency, and suggestions for how to transition from a life of urgency to a life of ease. 

Stop thinking you're supposed to be smelling the roses when you know that planting and managing the garden is what really makes you happy. Wouldn't it be nice to be happy? I suspect that most of my listeners would agree, but find that as hard as turning off the sun. It feels out of our control. Everything that's unresolved, imperfected and out-of-order are exposed to the light whether we want to see it or not. I think that to the degree that we can control it, it requires a different approach than the one that's often suggested—or perhaps I should say, an additional approach that doesn't go against popular wisdom, but takes into account the psychological territory we're in.  So, in this podcast I will make some realistic suggestions about how people with compulsive and perfectionistic tendencies, planning and list-making in particular,  can work with those to achieve some degree of happiness.  

Some people are reluctant to go to therapy for fear of wasting their time there. Others may already be in therapy but fear they are wasting their time. This is understandable for the many compulsives who feel strongly about being efficient and effective. But you can go to therapy and use your time there wisely.  To help listeners make the most of therapy I've outlined some of the most important tools to make sure that you don't waste your time there—and so that you don't feel like you're wasting time when you're actually doing good work!

Beneath our everyday surface anxieties are deeper more substantial fears, core fears that control our behavior and affect our mood more than we imagine. If we can identify these core fears, and learn to stare them down, they have less power over us. To do this we need to also identify our coping strategies, the ones that allow us to temporarily escape these fears by controlling, overworking, people pleasing or obsessing.  Once we do so, we can pursue our passions rather than just avoid our fears. 

Seriousness is a questionable virtue. A least for those of us who tend want to have everything a certain way, need to have things resolved, and have a hard time delegating because no-one else will do it as well. When we get stuck in this mode, we need help to let go and appreciate life as it is. One character who has been doing this for thousands of years in the archetype of the Fool. The more we tend to reject his qualities, the more we need them. Seeing his image can help us to find those qualities inside of us and achieve a better balance in life.  

So, you love your partner and you can see that what they're doing holds them back. Should you tell them what they're doing wrong? In this episode we will explore the impact of telling your partner what to change, the motivations involved, the best way to do it, and others ways to support your partner in their growth. 

In this episode we explore a specific kind of gaslighting that takes place when one partner is domineering and/or perfectionist. Whether the perfectionist partner intends to or not, they may leave their partner feeling like there is something defective about them. I call this moral gaslighting and it's both painful for the partner, and keeps the perfectionistic partner locked in a delusion of superiority.  Unlike classic gaslighting though, moral gaslighting may have a very different motivation, and understanding that motivation can help to improve the situation. 

Research indicates that as many as 70% of us experience imposter syndrome, the dread that you aren't as good as others think you are, coupled with the certainty that they'll discover the discrepancy and point you out with shame-shooting fingers. But we don't have to go through that. The solution is not proving to yourself that you're amazing after all, but building a foundation of basic self-respect and self-compassion that can withstand the inevitable pressure of pursuing your passions in life. 

Parenting for Type A, driven, ambitious, high-achieving and obsessive-compulsive parents requires a different approach than the one we usually bring to our lives. Rather than pushing it requires waiting, in addition to work it requires play, and rather than achievement it requires connection. And because we don't always come across as we think we do, our children may experience us as being more demanding than we actually are. Both Type A parents and their children will find this informative. Please join us for this research-based exploration of the perils and potentials of the obsessive-compulsive parent. 

If you've ever wanted to tell people or the world to shut up, back off, and quite pressuring you, you may have experienced Demand Resistance. This can be effective, but in some cases it might mean that you don't get your emotional needs met. Understanding what motivates you to protest, rebel or go on strike is an essential step in learning to use resistance skillfully. 

Take a moment to step back and look at the big picture of your life. Too often we lose track and lose our way, allowing defenses, habits, and behavioral avoidance to take us away from what's important. This may be most true of those with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder--whose intense drive can take them off course more quickly than other disorders. As even the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual says in its diagnostic criteria for OCPD, "Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost." Take that same energy, plug it into honoring meaningful priorities, and you're on track to becoming a healthier compulsive.  

Letting go and giving up are near enemies: one is healthy while the other might try to look like it's healthy, but really isn't. Letting go frees us to pursue more fulfilling ways of living, while giving up causes depression. Join us for a discussion of the differences and how to come out on the better side. 

We're all equipped to hold on to the things that ground our lives and give them meaning. But that tool is too often enlisted in ways that do neither. Too often we hold onto rules, money and time in ways that make our minds crowded and noisy, and prevent us from letting in the things that really feel good. Join me in a discussion of psychological hoarding, the obsessive-compulsive tendency that runs in the background far more than we like to imagine. 

The effects of shame can be seen all around us--largely in people's attempts to avoid it. If not confronted directly, shame can lead us to either withdraw, or to compensate with achievement, virtue or perfectionism. None of which work. Join us for this exploration of one of the most destructive emotions we experience, and find a better way to handle it. 

The obsessive-compulsive personality can make you rigid, or it can be enlisted for healthy change. Fixed mindset can get you stuck while growth mindset can help you utilize its predilection for mastery. This episode lays bare the ongoing battle between the two and the unrecognized allegiance to fixed mindset. It also offers suggestions about how to make sure that growth mindset wins the fight. 

We all like to be right. But our need to be right can get us into wrong because it can lead to self-deception and rationalization. The more convinced you are that your thinking and intuitions are right, the more likely it is that you're wrong. Join me as I question what it means to be certain, and explore why the answer to being certain is to question. 

Believing that we are somehow insufficient often leads us to work too hard, try too hard and think too hard. Enough of that. This episode explores the impact this belief has on us and how we can change that perspective. 

Getting help for perfectionism, control issues, work addiction, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD) isn't easy, but it can be life-changing. Having some idea of what types of treatment are available, and how to best use your time once you get into therapy can make it easier to find you way in, and to make it more effective. This two-part episode includes "What is the Best Psychotherapy for OCPD" and "How Does Therapy for OCPD Actually Work," and offers guidance in your search for help.  If you can put your obsessive and compulsive tendencies into service for change, you can make your life much more fulfilling.