Podcasts about psychologists

Bron is joined by Jordan Turner (Educational and Developmental Psychologist) to unpack how to work well with clients who have ADHD. Both are ADHDers themselves and passionate about delivering neurodiversity-affirming, helpful therapy for ADHD clients. They chat about:

Power of Praying Scriptures over your Marriage: Special Patreon Release with Jodie Berndt   1 Thessalonians 3:12 (NIV) "May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else, just as ours does for you."   *Transcription Below*   Jodie Berndt is bestselling author of the Praying the Scriptures book series, which includes volumes for Children, Teens, Adult Children, and Life, plus the new Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage (2023). Jodie has been a trusted speaker, Bible teacher, and prayer warrior for over thirty years. She and her husband, Robbie, have four married children, and they live in Virginia Beach, Virginia.   Connect with Jodie through her website or Instagram.   Questions and Topics We Discuss: What are some ancient truths from Scripture that stand out to you, specifically as it relates to marriage? Will you share a few of the helpful questions for couples that you write in the book? How have you seen kindness open the door to changes in a marriage?   Thank You to Our Sponsors: Chick-fil-A East Peoria and The Savvy Sauce Charities (and donate online here)   Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website   Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!   Gospel Scripture: (all NIV) Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”   Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”   Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”   Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”   Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”   Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”   John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”   Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”   Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”   Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”   Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession- to the praise of his glory.”   Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”   Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“   Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“   Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”   *Transcription*   Music: (0:00 – 0:09)   Laura Dugger: (0:10 - 2:47) Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.   I want to say a huge thank you to today's sponsors for this episode, Chick-fil-A East Peoria and Savvy Sauce Charities.   If this is your first time here, welcome! You may be wondering what it means to have a special Patreon release. So, here's the scoop. Patreon was a platform we used to generate financial support for The Savvy Sauce, and we expressed our thanks to those paying patrons by giving them a bonus episode every month. But, in 2024, we transitioned away from Patreon when we became a non-profit called Savvy Sauce Charities. The podcast is part of this non-profit, which exists to resource loved ones to inspire growth and intimacy with God and others.   So, people used to pay to support us through Patreon, but now they can just donate directly to our non-profit. We spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes, and we do pray that they're beneficial and that God sees fit to use them to be transformational in your life. If that is the case, if you have ever benefited from an episode of The Savvy Sauce, would you consider showing your gratitude through your financial generosity? Any amount is greatly appreciated. In fact, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset our costs. We have all the details on our website, thesavvysauce.com, but feel free to also reach out to our team anytime if you want to partner together. Our email address is info@thesavvysauce.com.   And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. Jodie Berndt is my guest today. She is the bestselling author of the Praying the Scriptures book series, and today we're going to focus on the powerful way to pray the scriptures for our marriage. And I just want to give you a heads up that you may hear a lot of airplanes in the background during our conversation, but I hope it doesn't take away from all the goodness Jodie is about to share. Here's our chat.   Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jodie.   Jodie Berndt: (2:49 - 2:53) Laura, thank you. It is just a huge treat to be able to chat with you today.   Laura Dugger: (2:54 - 2:59) Well, will you begin by just first telling us a bit about yourself and the work that you get to do?   Jodie Berndt: (3:01 - 4:19) Sure. Yes. Well, like you, I have four children. Mine are grown now, though. I have three daughters and then a son at the end, and they're all adults and married and having kids of their own. I met my husband back when we were in college. We both went to the University of Virginia and got married right after college, kind of jumped into the whole marriage and family thing. By today's standards, it seems ridiculously young. I look back and I think I don't know what we were thinking. But as Robbie, my husband says, when you meet the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start right now. And I think we both kind of felt that way. And so, we've been married now, I guess, nearly 38 years.   Your listeners may know that I write books. I write the Praying the Scriptures books. I've done others as well. But those are the ones that I am primarily focused on now. Praying the Scriptures for Your Children, your teens, your adult children, your life, because we needed ourselves too. And then most recently, Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. So, I never set out to become a prayer writer or even a book writer. But golly, I have realized the power of prayer and my desperate need for God's help in all things. So, I think it sort of fell backwards into it. And it's been a fun journey.   Laura Dugger: (4:20 - 4:37) Well, and I first encountered that book that you mentioned, Praying the Scriptures for Your Children, when I was a new mom, and it was so powerful. So, when you look back to that one, what are some of the stories or takeaways that really stand out from that resource?   Jodie Berndt: (4:38 - 9:31) Oh, gosh. Well, thank you for asking about that one. That was a book that was sort of born, as I said, out of my own need for the Lord, because nothing reveals your flaws and inadequacies and need for help beyond yourself as much as having children does. At least for me, that was the case. I'd grown up in a Christian home. Prayer was a natural part of life for me but not sort of the specific intentional prayers and not praying the scriptures.   And for anybody who doesn't know what that means, it just means taking the words that we read in the Bible, the things that God actually says to us there and using them to shape how we think about things, how we long for things, kind of creating our desires as based on what we read and then animating our prayers so that, as Jesus says in John 15, he looks at his disciples, he's getting ready to go to the cross, and you think of all the things he could have talked about. He chose to drill down on staying connected to him primarily through our prayers. He says, "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you." And then he explains why. He says, "This is to my Father's glory that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."   And I think I read that chapter in those specific verses, probably a hundred times over my life without fully comprehending what he was talking about there. And I think what he's talking about is that as we abide in him, as we remain in him, as we stay connected day in and day out, whether we're doing the laundry or running a carpool or anything else, we can allow the things we read in the Bible to shape our thoughts, shape our longings, and then give voice to our prayers. And when we do that, that really is the secret to living a difference-making, transformational, impactful life, to bearing fruit.   I loved being able to kind of look back over a 20-year history. And the stories in that book, in all my books, are real-life people who have real-life struggles and real-life prayers. And some of them have very happy endings. Some of them are still being played out. All of them represent times when we're having to trust God. And as I looked back over 20 years of praying parents and watched these families, where when I first was interviewing the mom or the dad, their kids might be five or seven or ten years old. And now, you know, these kids are in their 30s, some of them. And I'm like, wow, God, you know, it's like watching hair grow sometimes when we're praying and we don't see the needle moving. But with the perspective of history and time, you can see how God works. And so that was a huge blessing to me that I didn't expect when I went back and re-read the book and updated the book to be able to see what God has done.   And one particular chapter that I loved in that book was the chapter on praying for your child to promote God's kingdom. And there's a story in there about two little second grade boys, Brandon and Eddie. And I was part of a moms in prayer group at the time. And we were praying a verse, Ephesians 5:16, that our kids would make the most of every opportunity, that they would be wise in the way they live. We really didn't know how God would answer that prayer. But what parent doesn't want their child to be wise in the way they live and to make the most of the opportunities? Well, sure enough, we prayed that prayer. And two weeks later, one of the moms in our group came in and told the most jaw-droppingly beautiful story of how her son, a second grader, as part of an in-class assignment, had chosen to write a persuasive essay. And you can imagine what a second-grade essay looks like. But most of the kids in the class thought, I'm going to persuade my grandmother to give me a bicycle or I'm going to persuade my mom to let me stay up late and watch a TV show, whatever it is. This child chose to write to one of his classmates, who had been known as a real troublemaker in that class and in the school, about why he should accept Jesus as the Lord of his life. And he put these 10 points, things like, you know, God loves you. Jesus loves you. You can have anything you want in heaven. Just is a second grader's viewpoint. And I'm telling you what, I did that interview and wrote that story 20 some years ago. And still today, as I look back on that child and again, getting to watch him grow up, he's now a father with children of his own. And seeing how God has worked in that child's life in answer to that Ephesians 5 prayer that our child will be wise, making the most of every opportunity. I'm just dumbfounded. First, by how God answered that in a second grader's life and how he's continued to have the answer to that prayer unfold over this young man's life as he's grown. It's just we never can know when we pray what God will do.   Laura Dugger: (9:33 - 9:53) Absolutely. Because the fruit looks so different than the seed. And that's incredible to have that gift of perspective. But now with your newest title, Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage, first of all, how do you even respond to someone if they ask you, why does prayer matter in marriage?   Jodie Berndt: (9:54 - 12:29) Yeah, well, that's actually a question that I get more than you would think. And especially from people who aren't super comfortable praying. Because a lot of us, even if we've grown up in church-going Christian homes, the idea of praying with our spouse just might not come naturally. And even for Robbie and me. But I'll tell you one of the reasons we want to do it is because prayer really does matter. As I jumped into writing this book, I started doing some research and secular research points to all of these benefits that it reinforces the idea of prayer does that you're on the same team. Psychologists have found that prayer increases a sense of satisfaction in your relationship. It heightens your own sense of emotional well-being. If you're mad, it gives you a chance to calm down. It can lower your blood pressure. And there have even been studies done that shows that when couples pray together, it even leads to better sex. And so, you get all of these things that are completely separate from maybe the spiritual side of why God would want us to pray. This is just the secular research.   But when you take it a step further and look at why God wants us to pray, oh, my goodness. You know, it opens the door to intimacy, both with ourselves and with the Lord, because honestly, it's being vulnerable, isn't it? When we pray, you know, that is asking God for help. That's acknowledging our dependence on him, admitting we can't always be kind or selfless or forgiving on our own. And, you know, I don't know any husbands or wives who can do those things because we're all inherently flawed. We're broken. We're selfish people. And we can kind of start to shrivel up under what pressure to just get it all right, you know, to be a good wife, to be a good husband. And we can feel like we're failing. And yet, when we realize that through prayer, we've got this vehicle of inviting God into the mix, into our relationship, of letting the Holy Spirit step in and do the things that only he can do to work in us, giving us, as Philippians 2:13 says, the desire and the power to do what pleases God. I mean, that just changes the equation. It removes the burden from our shoulders of trying to build a strong marriage or be a good husband or wife. And just says, God, you know what? I can't do this on my own. I need you. Our marriage needs you. And that just opens up the runway, I think, for us in marriages and really gives us a new intimacy and a new confidence in our relationships.   Laura Dugger: (12:30 - 12:45) Well, and Jodie, you did so much research on marriages in preparation for this book. So, what are some of the ancient truths from Scripture that stand out to you specifically as it relates to marriage?   Jodie Berndt: (12:45 - 16:24) I'll tell you, an ancient truth that runs throughout Scripture is God's desire for us to talk to him about all of the details of our lives. There's nothing too big or nothing too small for him to care about. And I know you shared with me that you loved the Isaiah 7:11 verse in The Message translation, which is when Ahaz and the Lord are talking together. And God says, ask anything, you know, be extravagant, ask for the moon. And that's God's invitation to us to ask big. But there are also verses in Scripture where it says, you know, he delights in the details of our lives. He bends down to listen. So, we really can talk to him about the smallest things.   And I'll tell you, in terms of what you term ancient truths, I would say, and your listeners, I'm sure, know this, that the Bible is kind of one big story of God's love for us. And the covenant of marriage really is designed to reflect that. You know, we say this in our marriage vows, but I've yet to meet a bride or groom who really knows what they're talking about when they say those vows. I know for Robbie and me, we were just starry eyed and in love and speaking these vows without even really thinking what it would mean for better, for worse, you know, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish all of those things. But I'll tell you what, marriage gives us a chance to live out the gospel every day in a million little ways.   I love what Tim Keller says about the gospel. He says the gospel is this. It's that we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe. And yet at the very same time, we are more loved and accepted in Jesus than we ever dared hope. And, you know, isn't that a picture of marriage? Because nothing reveals our flaws and our sins as much as taking two inherently selfish people and bringing them into close proximity with each other day in and day out. We are going to love against each other. We're going to be aware of our brokenness. Nobody knows my weak points as much as my husband. Nobody knows his as much as I do. So, we're so aware that we're flawed. And yet within the covenant of our marriage, we can honestly say, OK, we are more loved and accepted than we ever dared hope as we do what Christ did and give ourselves up for one another.   Ephesians 5, it's that classic New Testament passage about how human relationships are supposed to work. And Paul starts out, he says, Ephesians 5:2, "Walk in love as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." And you may blow by a verse like that because it sounds very theological and holy. And you think, OK, what does that really mean in my human relationships? And more specifically, what does that mean for our marriage? OK, walking in love, giving yourself up. It could be something as simple as getting out of bed to let the dog out so that your husband or your wife can sleep in. It may be going to the in-laws for dinner when everything in us wants to stay home because we know that's what our spouse longs to do. Anytime we choose to put our partner's needs and desires ahead of our own, that's partaking of the gospel. That is giving ourselves up for them as Jesus gave himself up for us. Even as we do that in the little decisions of our lives every day, we get to live out that gospel. And what a beautiful opportunity. So, if I had to take one ancient truth from all of scripture, it would be that the Bible is one big love story of God's love for us. And in our marriages every day, we can live that out in a million little decisions.   Laura Dugger: (16:26 - 16:50) Well, in your book, you open up about your journey of learning to listen to your husband instead of interrupting him. Oh, yeah. And just a crazy side note. I'm just going to quote you here where you write, the average person pays attention for about eight seconds and can only go 17 seconds before interrupting someone. 17 seconds.   Jodie Berndt: (16:50 - 19:53) Yes. I mean, I read that in my research. I think that was out of Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I think was the source there. But when I read that, I thought, oh, my goodness. A, that makes me just mortified. But B, it makes me feel better about myself because I am an interrupter. I always think that I have the answer, the solution or something that's going to be really either interesting to say or solving to say whatever it is. And I had to learn to give my husband space to speak because like a lot of men, I think he's not super verbose. He's not going to be letting his words tumble out. And so, I have to give space and time in our conversations for him to be able to get his words together instead of just leaping to a conclusion and saying, I know exactly what you mean or stepping in and trying to finish his sentence because he may have something that he's concerned about or worried about.   You know, I tell a story in the book, too, where when we taught a marriage class, we had to rate each other on all kinds of things, 20 different topics on a scale of like zero to four. I think it was. And he gave me a zero in meeting his emotional needs. And I thought zero, but that's not fair. I didn't even know you had emotional needs because you are such a steady, reliable, non-mercurial person. And I realized just because he's steady and not all over the map, doesn't mean he doesn't have fears and worries and concerns and emotional needs just like I do. I had to learn to kind of let him express those. And for his part, he had to learn to let me speak without immediately jumping in and wanting to fix something. I think men, a lot of our husbands are natural fixers. They love us. They want to solve our problems. They want to help us analyze what's wrong. And there have been times where I have had to just look at Robbie, sometimes even take a space in my hands and say, OK, I just want to tell you something. And I don't need you right off the bat to fix it. I just need to be heard. I need to know that you understand. So, will you just listen without trying to solve or analyze or fix and let me express myself, communicate? And that's been a really good listening tool. So so, between me trying to interrupt and him trying to solve and fix, we have really had to learn some some tools and some strategies that we talk about in the book for becoming better listeners.   And I think it only makes sense, right? We are not ever taught to listen or taught to speak. I've got grandchildren here and it's really fun to watch them at age one and two and three learn to mimic what we say when we say, can you say yes, please? Can you say, you know, I love you. And it's delightful to watch our children learn to form words. But nobody ever says to us, OK, let me teach you to listen. Let me teach you to wait. Let me teach you to reflect. Let me teach you to ask questions to help you understand more. All of those things may not come naturally to us. And so, there are things we have to be intentional in marriage and in every relationship about learning.   Laura Dugger: (19:54 - 20:07) Well, are there any of those game changing tools that you would like to elaborate on if someone really hasn't been trained to learn how to listen? Well, what has helped you and Robbie really listen and love?   Jodie Berndt: (20:07 - 22:13) Yeah, well, me not. Number one, expecting him to be a mind reader. I think sometimes we girls, because we intuit things, we think, oh, surely he'll pick this up. And I've had to learn that I need to really be clear in my communication. And just like I said earlier, you know, if I just want him to listen without fixing, I need to say that. And we've also had to learn things like I think sometimes listeners can try to reassure other people. We can minimize the problem saying, oh, it's going to be all right. You know, don't worry. That happened to me once, too. And while we might think we're doing someone a favor by that, what we're really doing is undermining their need to express themselves, to be heard, to say they really are afraid or concerned.   And so, I think a good listener doesn't just jump in immediately with the reassurance or another bad habit is deflecting, you know, saying, oh, yeah, that reminds me of the time I. And we think, oh, good, we're going to take their mind off the problem by telling them another story. And no, they don't maybe need to have their mind taken off it right then. What they might need right then is to know that they're being heard. Or even another bad habit that we had to learn to avoid is intellectualizing something or explaining something. You know, well, the reason it didn't go well for you at work today, honey, is that you probably started by just saying exactly what you felt without giving everybody else in the room a chance to speak or whatever it is. You know, we're going in trying to armchair quarterback our spouse's life by explaining and intellectualizing when, again, they just need to know we're listening, we're hearing, we're willing to be sympathetic and empathize, and we're willing to pray. And we don't have to have the answers.   We can say, gosh, that must be hard. You know, why don't we just stop right now and just say, God, we don't know what to do here. Just like Jehoshaphat had said, you know, he was facing vast armies. He said, God, I don't know what to do. We don't know what to do. But our eyes are on you. And we can say that in our marriage saying, I don't know how to help my spouse. We don't know what to do about this. But God, we're inviting you into this mix. And that's what a good listener can sound like. Sometimes you don't have to have all the answers.   Laura Dugger: (22:14 - 22:36) And I would even add, I guess it's part of the hope of this podcast, even, to ask really great questions. And our tagline is Practical Chats for Intentional Living. And the hope is that anyone listening would be inspired to also ask great questions and have their own practical chats for intentional living.   Jodie Berndt: (22:36 - 25:28) Yes, I love that you bring that up. Because in the book, there are questions at the end of every chapter. I didn't start out to write Praying the Scriptures for Your Marriage. But after these other four books came out, I kept hearing from people on Instagram or via my website saying, when are you going to write something about marriage? You know, I'm in this most important human relationship. And we are grating against each other. You know, we need God's help when it comes to knowing how to handle conflict, how to handle our finances, time with our in-laws, intimacy issues, or learning, as you and I have been talking here, how to talk well, how to listen well, how to communicate, how to make friends. You'd think that would come naturally, but sometimes it doesn't. And couples struggle to find people that they want to do life with.   So, all of these things, leaving our legacy, parenting, are things marriages want God to be involved in. And so, these are what the different chapters, the topics. And at the end of each one, there are questions that we can ask our spouse. You know, hit the pause button and say, you know, say it's the chapter on having fun together. We might get to the end of that chapter and say, what's something you'd like to do that might surprise me? Because we don't always know what our spouse's idea of relaxation or fun or laughter would look like. And so, the questions in there are designed to elicit conversation. And you know what? If your spouse isn't interested in talking to you about any of those things, you can talk to the Lord about them. You can open your journal, and you can just write things out. You can listen to God. So, the discussion starters are in there for husbands and wives to use together or for you to use in your own quiet times with the Lord.   And I'll tell you, this is the only book in the series that Robbie has really written with me. He read every word of every chapter before I would send it off to the editor. And time and again, he would come back to me, and he would say, Jodie, I don't think a husband's going to really know what you mean by that. Or I don't think you have dug deep enough on this one or been as helpful as you might be on that one. And that made it hard. I mean, talk about a chance to have conflict with your spouse, invite them to edit your book. But it was so valuable because it has created a resource where I think a wife might buy the book. But I really do think a husband now might be willing to pick up the book. And even if the husband's not digging deep into the stories of every chapter, any husband or any wife can pick it up. Pray the 10 or 12 verses at the end of each chapter or just pray one verse that seems to resonate. And then avail themselves of those discussion questions and conversation starters so that it can help communication both between husband and wife and between you and God. So, thank you for bringing up that part about questions, because that really is something we need to do more about in life. We can't ever know someone without asking those things.   Laura Dugger: (25:29 - 26:18) I agree. And so, we've covered now how listening is that one important ingredient in communication. But in addition, you write, it is still important to stay current with our spouse by also talking and sharing what's going on within and around us. And you write on page 49, The things we don't say can become wedges in our relationships. Communication involves two parts, talking and listening, and we need to be good at both. And Jodie, I think that you model a helpful way to think about this through something that you taught your children. So, will you share that illustration of serving the ball and hitting it back and how that applies to conversation?   Jodie Berndt: (26:18 - 29:16) That's so funny that you pulled that out. And its funny right now because I just read that in a very important intellectual article that showed up in my inbox from one of these institutes. I follow on family studies and different things. I thought that Robbie and I had invented this idea of serving the ball. Our son was an athlete and not much of a talker. And because he was an athlete all year round, he would go to different tournaments, different places. And I remember him being a young teen and not being super eager to engage in conversation. But because we had four kids and you can relate to this, we were not always taking our kids to all the different tournaments and activities. A lot of times they'd be riding in a car with another adult, another team dad or mom. And on one occasion, I remember popping him in the car with a friend of ours who was going to go meet a lacrosse team, you know, another state away. And we knew he'd be in the car for three or four hours. And we said, OK, you know, when Mr. So-and-so asks you a question, you can't just answer with one word, you know, like I'm good or yes, sir. We want you to hit the ball back. We want you to think of something that you can ask him. Think of a conversation. That's our son's name. We said, like you're in a game where the ball has to go back and forth, like say something to keep it in play. And for him, that was a real eye opener for how to learn to talk when he mostly knew how to hit balls back and forth.   And researchers noticed that couples who paid that attention, you know, if a spouse, if a husband said, hey, look at that bird. Isn't that a pretty bird? If the wife didn't even notice the bird, that planted a seed of contempt or indifference, coldness, the cold shoulder that could grow, whereas if the partner said, wow, gosh, that is a pretty bird, and, you know, that reminds me of the one we saw last week on our walk, and, I mean, that's a silly illustration, maybe noticing the bird, maybe it's a sunset, maybe it's saying, wow, this, you know, hamburger is really good, whatever it is, whatever the little tidbits of conversation, when we pick up, when we hit the ball back, when we pay attention and say, you know, yeah, that creates an interest in our spouse and a kindness.   Laura Dugger: (29:17 - 35:00) And now a brief message from our sponsor.   Did you know you can go to college tuition-free just by being a team member at Chick-fil-A East Peoria? Free college education. All Chick-fil-A East Peoria team members in good standing can take advantage of this incredible benefit. If you're looking for a workplace that invests in your future, Chick-fil-A East Peoria is the place for you. You don't have to go into debt for college. Visit Chick-fil-A.com/EastPeoria and click on the career tab. And if you aren't located near Chick-fil-A East Peoria, make sure you check with your local Chick-fil-A restaurant to see if they also participate.   Jodie Berndt: And I'll tell you, when I started doing the kindness research, I said to Robbie, do you think some people are just more naturally kind than others? And he said, yeah, I do. I think some people are just naturally more kind. And I think he's right, but I don't think you put a period there, because kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, right? Galatians 5:22 and 23, it does talk about how love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness is what the Holy Spirit does in our lives. And researchers have found that kindness actually works with them like a muscle. It gets stronger in our lives the more we commit to using it. And I love what folks at the National Marriage Project discovered. They discovered that when we are kind to our spouse with these simple things, you know, bringing them a cup of coffee in the morning, it doesn't even have to be super important, that creates an atmosphere in which generosity toward one another can flourish. And what it does is create an upward spiral. You know, we all talk about downward spirals and how we can just descend into contempt or coldness. We can also ascend. We can create that upward spiral through simple, small words and gestures that communicate kindness in marriage. And it can change the whole climate and allow intimacy and love to flourish.   And I will tell you what, Robbie and I are in the empty nest years, and we have friends who are in our same season, and a couple of couples in particular. For the last maybe four or five years have confided to us that they're not as kind to one another as they would like to be. Their marriage is strong. They're not getting a divorce, but their kids are raised, and they each have kind of their own lanes they're in, and they're in the empty nest, and they're recognizing that they just don't treat each other with the generosity and love in their words and in their actions that maybe they did when they were younger. And you would say, oh, what a shame. Except that it's not a shame because these couples have committed to praying about it and to inviting other couples who will keep that confidential into their lives to say, hey, will you pray this for us? And I will tell you what, we are seeing the needle move in our friends' lives. It is a beautiful thing to watch someone in their 60s who thinks, you know what, I'm just not that kind, actually begin to soften and change and be kind as the Holy Spirit goes to work. So, if you're listening and you're thinking, you know what, I'm just not that nice of a person. I'm just not that kind. Or my spouse, they've been kind of cool or cold all these years. Don't give up. Keep praying. Keep trying. Keep relying on the Holy Spirit. Invite other couples into the mix who can come alongside you and pray for you and even maybe hold you a little accountable saying, okay, you know, that word was maybe harsher than it needed to be. And watch what God can do. Kindness really matters.   Laura Dugger: (45:06 - 45:45) Yes, it does. And my husband, Mark, and I love to ask questions of couples who are in the next season of life. So, we have some friends at church who are empty nesters, and we've asked them similar questions around kindness. And it was really helpful that they said what really enhanced their marital satisfaction and enjoyment of one another in those years was their tone. And I thought that was a really practical application, just to be mindful of our tone. At any season, I think of us raising little ones as well to watch our tone with our kids and our spouse.   Jodie Berndt: (45:46 - 46:16) Yeah, absolutely. And even when we speak in a tone that might, you know, I believe me, can blurt something out and it comes out sounding snippier than I meant. And I have to recognize that and say, I know that came out like I was challenging you or that I was correcting you or whatever. I didn't mean it that way. That was a genuine question of, you know, do you think we should do this or that? And I'm sorry it sounded snippy. So, we have to be aware. And when those things slip out to quickly correct that and say, gosh, sorry, let me try that again.   Laura Dugger: (46:17 - 46:38) Yeah. And I guess it's reminded me of one other quote that was really helpful. On page 63, you shared that one husband was giving a really practical definition for respect. And he said, respect looks like paying attention when I am talking, even if you have better things to do.   Jodie Berndt: (46:39 - 48:11) Yeah, I remember that couple. And I'll tell you, this was a great illustration. I'm glad you brought that one up because this is a wife who loved her husband deeply, respected what he did, said good things about him publicly and in front of people. And she would think, well, so of course he knows I respect him. Like I just praised him in front of our small group, or I just told him what a great job I thought he did on that presentation or whatever he told me about from work. And she thought, so of course he knows I respect him, but he's watching their day in, day out encounters and realizing that like so many women, you know, we do five things, 10 things at once. And he's thinking, I don't even think you're paying attention to me because I'm over here talking and you know, you're cooking the dinner or checking something on your phone or whatever. And you're listening with kind of half an ear. And she had to learn that to him, respect meant stop what you're doing and pay attention to me. And of course we can't do that all the time. Like especially if we've got little kids and they're grabbing our legs and stuff, we might have to say, hold on. I really want to pay attention to what you're saying. Can you give me five minutes to, you know, get the child settled with a coloring book or put the baby to bed or get some food in this toddler, whatever it is, because this is important to me. And I want to pay attention. So sometimes when an important need for respect is, is happening, we have to just set the stage to reassure our partner that yeah, I love you. I want to listen. I want to pay attention. I want to respect you. Let me set it up so I can do that really well. So yeah, good one.   Laura Dugger: (48:12 - 48:17) Well, do you have any other favorite stories or lessons that stand out from your book?   Jodie Berndt: (48:18 - 51:06) Well, I think a big takeaway for me is the importance of community kind of at every stage. You know, the Bible says walk with the wise and become wise for a companion of fools suffers harm. You know, that's a proverb. And I think it's really true that we need to be intentional about who we surround ourselves with. Certainly, as we're starting out young in our marriages, there's going to be adjustment phases. Even the most well-suited couples come from two different families. And as we're trying to blend our expectations, our needs, our desires, our histories, they're going to be bumps along the way. And you want to be surrounded with couples who will be able to almost laugh with you and say, yeah, you know, we had that too. And let me just tell you, here's how we navigated that. Instead of somebody who will say, oh my gosh, my husband drives me just as crazy. Like literally, I had a running group one time where I realized that there was a lot of husband bashing going on in the early morning hours as we would get out on the street, you know, before the kids went to school. And I thought this isn't really healthy. We need to change the channel on this conversation. And so, you know, and sometimes that was doable by simply changing the topic of conversation or saying something positive or just saying, “Hey, let's all list three things we're grateful about, about our spouse.”   But I think how we surround ourselves with couples really makes a difference also in the empty nest years. And I think our friendships change. Robbie and I have had friends change significantly many times over the years. Sure. There are those people that we can look back on college roommates that we're still in touch with, and that's wonderful. But we have had cross country moves four times. We have had different seasons with our kids where all of our friends might be the ones we're on the bleachers with because we are seeing them two and three times a week and traveling on the weekends to games and things like that. And now we're in the empty nest years and our friends are starting to go visit grandkids. They are in retirement, some of them and traveling for fun. Others have taken up new hobbies, new volunteer commitments. So that landscape has shifted and we've had to say, all right, let's look for life giving people, be intentional about who we want to invite over to our house for dinner, who we'd like to co-chair a project with, something where we are constantly thinking about how we can surround ourselves with people who share our faith, who will sharpen us. Again, that proverb about iron sharpening iron, our friends really matter. We want to be around people who keep us sharp and who will be intentional about pouring into our marriages. So, you know, they say divorce is catching, and it really is. If you're in a community where people are just quick to give up or quick to bash their spouse, change that, change that in your life. Look for folks who are leaning in and helping one another love well.   Laura Dugger: (51:07 - 51:27) And I think you're very encouraging to those couples that are entering or in the midst of the empty nest phase of life. And you drew out a proverb that I'd never heard in The Message version in Proverbs 4:18, where it says the longer they live, the brighter they shine.   Jodie Berndt: (51:28 - 51:58) Yeah. Isn't that a great one? I mean, you could read Proverbs 4:18 and in the NIV and the ESV and the King James, all that. And it's always good. But boy, when I hit it in The Message, and I don't know, I might've seen it around my 50th birthday or something, but I thought the longer they live, the brighter they shine. Amen. God, I want to put that on my refrigerator. Just remind me that, you know, you don't necessarily have to have all the Botox to keep shining bright. You can just have the Holy Spirit living in you and through you animating your life and making you radiant. So yeah, I love that one. I'm glad you called that out.   Laura Dugger: (51:59 - 52:06) Yeah. Are there any other ways that you see that play out as people do start to navigate these empty nest years?   Jodie Berndt: (52:07 - 53:52) I think you can become kind of insular as you get older. If we weren't being intentional about trying to have new experiences, make some new friends, your world can start shrinking because maybe your responsibilities at work aren't as demanding. So, you have more time away from work or your kids are gone. So, you're not seeing all the friends that you've done life with all that time. So, emptiness can be a time of loneliness for couples. And it can be a time when you are thinking, gosh, I'm not as active or having as much fun. But we have a friend named Jim Burns. He's written a lot of books on marriage and family issues. And he writes, he says, who would have thought that the most intimate times in a marriage aren't necessarily in the first few years, but in the empty nest. And he and his wife have navigated this transition so successfully. And I think it's in large part because they have been intentional about having fun together, about trying new things. And another couple, I know Susan and Johnny Yates, they're in their seventies. And they were like, Hey, we've never gone snowmobiling. You want to try it? Yeah, let's try it. And I just think, you know, the more we're willing to get out there and try new experiences, a new place to visit, it might even be as simple as a restaurant we've never been to, but just kind of ensuring that your world stays bigger, your friend groups stay bigger, and that you can be leaning into the fact that, you know, I think about Job where it says, God blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the former. And there is a real, a real beauty to knowing that you have a lot of runway left when you hit the empty nest years and asking God, how do you want to use me in my family, in my church, in my community, and being open to the things he puts in front of you?   Laura Dugger: (53:53 - 54:02) I love that. And Jodie, you are just such an encourager. So where can we go online to learn more from you after this conversation?   Jodie Berndt: (54:03 - 55:19) Thank you for asking that. My website is jodieberndt.com. And I would really encourage people to check that out and kind of scroll around. There's an area called resources and printables where there's a lot of free stuff like 31-day prayer calendars. You can download and print to help you pray for your marriage, a verse every day, or pray for your children or your adult children, your teens, your life, all of those calendars are on there, as well as little prayer cards, things you can tuck into your kid's lunchbox or leave on their bedside table. If you have a teenager who maybe would roll their eyes, you know, if you want to walk in there and say goodnight prayers, you might say, well, you know what? I'm just going to leave this little thing on their pillow, so they know that mom or dad is praying. And again, even if they're acting like they don't want it, I've never yet met a teen, my own included, who used to sometimes roll their eyes who will now tell me, you know what mom? I really was listening. I really did appreciate that. So, a little hang in there strategy, but yes, at jodieberndt.com all those resources. And then I'm pretty active on Instagram and that's just @jodie_berndt. So, if people want to follow there, I love to share different prayer prompts or encouragements. People can DM me with questions and it's just a fun way to, to make friends in a digital way that you might not ever be able to see someone in real life, but we can all learn from each other.   Laura Dugger: (55:19 - 55:40) Well, we will add links to all of those places in the show notes for today's episode. And you may already be familiar that we're called The Savvy Sauce because yes, I love it. I love it. And savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so, as my final question for you today, Jodie, what is your savvy sauce?   Jodie Berndt: (55:41 - 57:21) That is such a great question. I love that you asked all your guests that I think for me, this might sound boring or even holier than thou, but I don't mean it that way. For me, a scripture is my savvy sauce. Like I turn to the Bible for my answers. I turn to it to shape my prayers. Like I can be so given to worry about something. I can just naturally go to a place of panic or uncertainty. And yet in the pages of scripture, I find promises that I can hold on to in a way that I can exchange my panic for peace and just trust God's provision. And the circumstances might not have changed, but what has changed as I lean into the Lord and read of his faithfulness in the past, they can help me trust for the future and it doesn't have to be this long. Like the other thing is there was a time when I thought, oh gosh, if I don't spend a half an hour, an hour, you know, reading my Bible with a candle smelling up the room and a nice cup of coffee and my journal open, it's not going to count. And I really, especially when I had younger children, it was so beautiful. An older woman, older mother set me straight. She said, Jodie, you know, you can talk to God in the carpool line. You can read three verses of scripture and meditate on those during the day. That may be more transformational than reading an entire book of the Bible and just having permission to take that in small bites, especially if you've got little ones. I think that is a great savvy sauce. Just find yourself a verse or two, hold onto it, write it out on an index card and meditate on it during the day and see what it does.   Laura Dugger: (57:22 - 57:43) That is so good. And going back to what we had talked about earlier, I experienced so much kindness in you and have really enjoyed this conversation and appreciate all that you've brought to encourage marriages. And I'm wondering if you would just close us out now with a prayer over all the marriages that are represented right now.   Jodie Berndt: (57:44 - 59:43) Oh, I would be so honored to do that. And right back at you. I mean, you're just, your voice is so very kind and welcoming. I just know your listeners love tuning in because it's like,  just having a conversation with a dear friend. So, thank you for that. But I would love, love, love to pray.   Heavenly Father, I just thank you so much for this conversation. I thank you so much for every marriage, every household represented as folks who are listening. And I just want to pray that prayer that I think I start the book with because it just jumps out at me day in and day out from 1 Thessalonians 3:12, "May our love overflow and increase for each other and for everyone else." That's something that Paul prayed for the Thessalonians. And I just want to pray it over all of our marriages, over all of our lives, over our parenting, that our love would increase, that it would overflow for one another, for our families, for our communities. And that that would be the sign that people can look at and say, you know, that as that old song says, they'll know we are Christians by our love. And it is so true in the way that we love one another, in the way that we are kind to one another. That just speaks volumes, Lord, about your love for us. I pray that we really would, as Paul writes in Ephesians, make the most of every opportunity. I pray we would live lives marked with wisdom, that we would, as he goes on in that same chapter, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Let our marriages, let our families, let our friendships be marked by that mutual submission, by that desire to not look just to our own interests, but to the interests of others, just being humble, God. Let us live humble lives, glorifying you, looking out for one another, and growing in the knowledge and grace of your son, Jesus Christ. It's in his name we pray. Amen.   Laura Dugger: (59:44 - 59:47) Amen, Jodie. Thank you so much for being my guest.   Jodie Berndt: (59:47 - 59:55) Laura, thank you so much, and Lord bless you in the work that you are doing to just equip and encourage so many. It's just wonderful.   Laura Dugger: (59:55 - 1:03:39) Thank you. One more thing before you go, have you heard the term gospel before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you, but it starts with the bad news.   Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death, and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.   We need a savior, but God loved us so much. He made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.   That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life. We could never live and died in our place for our sin.   This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished. If we choose to receive what he has done for us, Romans 10:9 says, “that if you confess with your mouth, Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”   So, you pray with me now. Heavenly father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you.   Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life? We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus name we pray.   Amen. If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me. So, me for him, you get the opportunity to live your life for him.   And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you're ready to get started.   First, tell someone, say it out loud, get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes and Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it.   You can start by reading the book of John. Also get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.   We want to celebrate with you too. So, feel free to leave a comment for us here. If you did make a decision to follow Christ, we also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.   And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “in the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.   And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.

Send us Fan MailThe fastest way to lose motivation is to grade your life by outcomes you can't fully control. We're closing out Season 6 with a simple practice that changes that: stacking wins. It's not about trophies, promotions, or perfect timelines. It's about spotting the small actions you took today that put you on the path of opportunity and letting those wins compound into real momentum.We get concrete with it, from pageant prep and travel logistics to recovery after injury: the workout you showed up for, the PT exercises you finished all week, the extra quarter mile you walked, even the “I handled my morning without chaos” kind of win. We talk about why this mindset reduces negative self-comparison, quiets the “what if everything goes wrong” spiral, and pulls you into the present like a mini meditation. When you're paying attention to what's working right now, it's harder for old patterns and distractions to run the show.We also dig into consistency and why pivoting counts. If your body, schedule, or season of life changes, you don't have to quit you can adjust. And we challenge the “I used to” trap that keeps people stuck comparing today's reality to an old version of themselves. Along the way, we unpack a grounded definition of luck: opportunity meeting preparedness.If you're ready to feel progress again, listen now, share this with a friend who needs a reset, and leave a review so more people can find the show.Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

When someone tells you not to do something it often becomes even more tempting, which is why, as a teenager, when your parents forbade you from seeing a certain boyfriend or girlfriend you felt even more passionate about them. Now psychologist have looked into what causes this so-called  ‘Romeo and Juliet effect'. Psychologists at the University of Colorado chose the name of Shakespeare's play following an experiment which was conducted in 1972. In the sixteenth-century play, the two protagonists, fall in love despite coming from different sides of a feuding families. What were the results? Does family approval make or break love? In under 3 minutes, we answer your questions! To listen to the last episodes, you can click here: ⁠⁠Is there really such a thing as love at first sight?⁠⁠ ⁠⁠Which foods can hurt your libido?⁠⁠ ⁠⁠How do I know if I sleepwalk?⁠⁠ A podcast written and realised by Amber Minogue. First Broadcast: 13/2/2024 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How do you respond when threatened? Psychologists identify four primary survival responses that are triggered by our nervous systems when we face danger: Fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Most of us can identify with one of those. Some are quick to fight back. Others freeze in panic. Others strive to avoid conflict at all costs. Finally, others try to appease the instigator. While recognizing the natural tendencies of his disciples, Jesus gives different counsel: "Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matt. 10:16). How should we understand this metaphor in its context and how can it help believers today who still live as "sheep in the midst of wolves"?

As Canadians continue to struggle with high rates of mental illness and shortages of specialists such as psychologists, the CPA released the report “Increasing Access, Reducing Costs and Improving Outcomes: maximizing psychologists' contributions to Canada's publicly funded health care systems”. The report outlines five key strategies to help close critical gaps in access and ensure that those in need receive timely, cost-effective, evidence-based psychological care. Dr. Lesley Graff and Dr. Sean Kidd are two of the lead authors on the report, and they join the podcast to talk about the current state of the psychologist workforce in the healthcare system, and where we can go from here. Full report: https://cpa.ca/docs/File/Advocacy/RandR%20WG%20Report%20EN%202026-Final-June-23-2026.pdf Press release: https://cpa.ca/docs/File/Advocacy/CPA%20RRWG%20News%20Release%20Final%20May%2021%202026.pdf England's NHS Talking Therapies: https://www.england.nhs.uk/mental-health/adults/nhs-talking-therapies/

Someone says nine wonderful things about you and one negative thing. Which one are you still thinking about hours later? Probably the negative one. Bad experiences, criticism and unpleasant news seem to have more power over us than equally good things. And it turns out there is a reason for that. Psychologists call it the negativity effect — our tendency to give more weight and attention to what goes wrong than to what goes right. It influences what we remember, the risks we take, the decisions we make and even how we judge other people. We will often work harder to avoid something bad than we will to gain something equally good. John Tierney has researched this phenomenon and explains why negativity has such a powerful hold on us — and, more importantly, what we can do about it. John is a journalist and co-author of The Power of Bad: How the Negativity Effect Rules Us and How We Can Rule It (https://amzn.to/30Gn3EQ). Listen as he reveals how the negativity effect shows up in relationships, work, parenting and everyday decisions — and how understanding it can keep the bad from overpowering all the good. PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS MONARCH: Write your own money story with Monarch! Use promo code SYSK at ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Monarch.com⁠⁠⁠⁠ to get your 1st year of Monarch Core half off at just $50 TREES.COM: Right now, ⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Trees.com ⁠⁠⁠⁠have great deals on planting essentials, up to half off on select plants. And listeners to our show get 20% OFF their purchase when using the promo code SYSK at checkout. VINTED: Ready to clean out your closet and make some extra money?Download the Vinted app for free and start listing! With no seller fees, you keep every dollar you earn and for a limited time, enjoy free shipping in the US on Vinted. WAYFAIR: Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Wayfair.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less.  QUINCE: Find your next Fall favorites at Quince! Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Quince.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too! DELL: Built for those who want better. The Dell XPS, built for you! PLANET VISIONARIES: In partnership with The Rolex Perpetual Planet Initiative, this is Planet Visionaries. Listen or watch wherever you get your podcasts! KA'CHAVA: Ka'Chava's new Salted Caramel is the perfect balance of mouthwatering flavor and benefits. Embrace your salty side. Go to ⁠⁠⁠https://kachava.com⁠⁠⁠ and use promo code SYSK to get 15% off your first order! INDEED: Get a $75 Sponsored Job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Indeed.com/PODCAST⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Feel like you're failing? This week on the podcast, I'm joined by psychotherapist and Director of Mind and Body Works Trisha MacHale  to talk about what happens when you decide you've had enough and you want to make a change — whether that's getting fit and strong, giving up alcohol or cutting back on sugary foods. What happens when you're struggling your way to success? How do you detach your self-worth from whether you're succeeding or failing? And what can you do to stop feeling so bad when things aren't going the way you hoped? Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive   To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com 091 725 750   About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

What does healthy masculinity actually look like?Healthy masculinity is the ability to choose your response rather than defaulting to one rigid version of manhood. A man with healthy masculinity can be stoic when stoicism serves him, and open when openness serves him. The trait is a tool he uses, not a script that runs him. Psychologists call this psychological flexibility.For many men, the old rules were simple: be strong, know the answer, don't look weak, don't need anyone, and definitely don't tell another guy you miss him.In this episode of The Evolved Caveman, Dr. John Schinnerer — executive coach, Ph.D. in psychology from UC Berkeley, and consultant on Pixar's Inside Out — talks with Dr. Daniel Ellenberg, licensed therapist, leadership coach, and founder of Strength with Heart, about what emotionally mature masculinity actually requires.A man who can be stoic is different from a man who can only be stoic. A man who can compete is different from a man who turns every interaction into a contest. And a man who can stand on his own is different from a man who believes needing connection makes him weak.The Man Box: where the rules came fromJohn and Daniel explore how the Man Box teaches boys to suppress vulnerability, tenderness, uncertainty, and emotional needs — and why so much male growth involves unlearning those rules.The term comes from research by Promundo (now Equimundo) and Axe, whose 2017 study of young men in the US, UK, and Mexico mapped the seven pillars of the Man Box: self-sufficiency, acting tough, physical attractiveness, rigid gender roles, heterosexuality and homophobia, hypersexuality, and aggression and control.None of that is biology. It's training. And training can be updated.Male friendship, humor, and the joke that costs youThe Big IdeaEmotionally mature men aren't men who never feel afraid, ashamed, hurt, uncertain, or vulnerable.They're men who can notice what is happening inside themselves, stay flexible under stress, communicate honestly, repair when they screw up, and remain connected to the people who matter.Strength and tenderness are not opposites. Neither are confidence and humility.Healthy masculinity isn't about becoming less masculine. It's about becoming more fully human.Go DeeperPut This Into Practice With Proximity CoachingUnderstanding emotional intelligence is one thing.Remembering it when your partner criticizes you, your shame lights up, and your inner attorney begins preparing a 47-slide presentation proving your innocence is something else entirely.Proximity Coaching gives men, women, and couples practical AI-powered coaching and tools for improving communication, emotional intelligence, conflict management, and relationships — in the moments when those skills actually matter.Tags: men, healthy masculinity, psychology, purpose, meaning, career, stress, emotional intelligence, personal growth, mental health, relationships, confidence, autonomy, mastery, contribution, alignment

For some people, their mother is someone they admire and hope to become more like. But for others, it's the complete opposite. They grow up telling themselves one thing: whatever happens, I'm not going to end up like my mum. For some, that feeling can become a real source of anxiety. Psychologists have a name for it: matrophobia. So where does that fear come from? Does this only affect daughters? So are difficult mother-daughter relationships inevitable? So how do you break the cycle? In under 3 minutes, we answer your questions! To listen to the latest episodes, click here: Could intentional lazy parenting foster your child's independence? Do parents really not have a favorite child? Is it possible to not love your parents? A Bababam Originals podcast written and realised by Amber Minogue. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

英语美文：什么是心流？ 很多小伙伴在后台问我：卡卡老师，究竟什么是心流呢？今天我们通过一篇科普的文章，系统了解下究竟什么是“心流”。“心流”（Flow）是积极心理学家米哈里·契克森米哈赖提出的概念，指将个人精神力完全投注在某种活动上的极致状态。当你全神贯注时，会忘记时间流逝、饥饿疲惫与自我，周围干扰消失，人与事融为一体。这种沉浸感不仅带来心理满足，更能极大提升效率与创造力。New Words:zone /zəʊn/：n. 区域；地带；状态区间flow /fləʊ/：n. 流动；心流（心理学中指完全沉浸的状态）；v. 流动；流畅进行athlete（您可能指 athlete）/ˈæθliːt/：n. 运动员；健儿genius /ˈdʒiːniəs/：n. 天才；天赋；天才人物switch /swɪtʃ/：v. 切换；转换；n. 开关；转换state /steɪt/：n. 状态；情况；国家；州；v. 陈述；声明effortless /ˈefətləs/：adj. 毫不费力的；轻松的magic /ˈmædʒɪk/：n. 魔法；魔力；魅力；adj. 魔术的；有魔力的；神奇的random /ˈrændəm/：adj. 随机的；任意的Psychologists /saɪˈkɒlədʒɪsts/：n. 心理学家（psychologist 的复数）optimal /ˈɒptɪməl/：adj. 最优的；最佳的immersion /ɪˈmɜːʃn/：n. 浸没；沉浸，专注；沉浸式教学；浸礼fade /feɪd/：v. 褪色；逐渐消失；衰减；n. 淡入；淡出drift /drɪft/：v. 漂流；漂移；n. 漂移；趋势stumble /ˈstʌmbl/：v. 绊倒；跌跌撞撞；结巴；n. 绊倒；失误frustration /frʌˈstreɪʃn/：n. 挫折；沮丧；挫败感They call it the zone, that state where time fades and everything just flows.他们将它称之为心流区域，那是时间淡去、一切顺畅流动的状态。Most people think it's only for the gifted, the athletes, the geniuses , the artists.大多数人认为这只是有天赋者、运动员、天才和艺术家的专属。But that's a lie. There's a hidden switch in your mind,但那是一个谎言。你的大脑中有一个隐藏的开关，a state where focus feels effortless and hours turn into minutes.那是一种专注毫不费力、几小时如同几分钟的状态。It's not magic, it's a formula, and anyone can do it.这不是魔法，而是一个公式，任何人都能做到。flow is not random. Psychologists have studied it for decades.心流不是随机的。心理学家们已经研究它几十年了。They call it optimal experience. It's that feeling of total immersion when you're so locked in, the world around you fades.他们称之为最优体验。那是一种完全沉浸的感觉，当你完全投入时，周围的世界便淡去了。Let me give you an example.让我给你举个例子。Imagine you're learning to play the piano.想象一下你正在学习弹钢琴。If the song is too easy, your mind drifts, you get bored, you start thinking about dinner.如果曲子太简单，你的思绪就会飘走，你会感到无聊，开始想着晚饭。If the song is too hard, your fingers stumble and frustration takes over.如果曲子太难，你的手指就会绊住，挫败感就会占据上风。But when the challenge perfectly matches your skill, not too easy, not too hard, something clicks, you lose yourself in rhythm. That's flow.但当挑战与你的技能完美匹配，不太容易也不太困难时，某种东西便会“咔嗒”一声接通，你沉浸在节奏之中。这就是心流。英语学习卡卡说：在过去的十几年，我们成功将心流状态和英语学习，特别是听口能力的训练结合在一起。形成了一套完整系统的学习方法和实操步骤，帮助了非常多小伙伴从讨厌英语到喜欢英语。从每次学习总是虎头蛇尾，到可以每天坚持学习。能成功走到今天，除了我们细致拆解了多个场景下同学们的学习英语出现的问题之外，最关键的是，我们借助了中国优秀传统文化作为底层的学习心法，同时引导同学们声音为最终的听口落脚点，学会真正聆听。而在实现“真正听见”的过程中，心流状态便会自然呈现。更多卡卡老师分享公众号：卡卡课堂 卡卡老师微信：kakayingyu002送你一份卡卡老师学习大礼包，帮助你在英文学习路上少走弯路

Verheerende Waldbrände in Frankreich, Hitzewellen und Dürren weltweit, der Abbruch des Gletschers in Nepal, der eine tödliche Flut auslöste - all diese Nachrichten stürzen auf uns ein und machen Angst, verbreiten bei vielen Menschen ein Gefühl der Hilflosigkeit und Hoffnungslosigkeit. Was der Klimawandel mit unserer seelischen Gesundheit macht, ist inzwischen ein großes Thema der Psychologie. Die Psychologin und Autorin Lea Dohm hat sich darauf spezialisiert. Sie ist Gründerin von "Psychologists for Future" und berät unterschiedlichste Akteure. radio3-Moderatorin Katja Weber spricht mit Lea Dohm darüber, welche Strategien und Möglichkeiten es gibt, mit den Veränderungen durch den Klimawandel umzugehen.

Have you ever left a meeting thinking the deal was a lock, then watched it die? Most of us assume the other person saw the same offer we saw. They didn't. People do not experience your presentation as straight fact. They experience it through how their body feels in that moment. Psychologists call that affective realism: the brain uses a gut feeling as evidence about the outside world. Tired, hungry, rushed, or tense does not register as "I need lunch." It registers as "can I trust this person" or "this deal doesn't make sense." What The Science Shows One study revealed that judges were far more likely to deny parole just before lunch, as their brains interpreted the physical discomfort of hunger as a "gut feeling" that the prisoner was dangerous.` If elite judges fall victim to this, imagine how this is affecting your prospects and your income! Persuade With Power Kurt Mortensen Seeing What You Feel: Affect Drives Visual Perception of Structurally Neutral Faces Advanced Influence Trainings Maximize Your Influence Podcasts Free Persuasive Presentation Assessment  

This week on the podcast, I'm joined by psychotherapist Triaha MacHale to talk about neurodiversity in women. We chat about why so many women are only discovering they're neurodivergent in adulthood, why it has historically been missed or misunderstood, and some of the signs that might be more than simply being busy, stressed or overwhelmed. We also talk about masking — what it is, what it can look like in everyday life, and how women can become so used to masking that they don't even realise they're doing it. A really interesting conversation for anyone who has ever wondered, “Why do I find some things so much harder than everyone else seems to?” Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com 091 725 750   About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

Have you ever been completely stuck trying to solve a problem or come up with a new idea? There is a remarkably simple thing you can do that research shows can get your creative juices flowing. And it works surprisingly well. https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2014/04/walking-vs-sitting-042414 Can you actually think yourself sick? Absolutely. It's called the nocebo effect — essentially the evil twin of the placebo effect. If a doctor warns you that a medication might cause certain side effects, simply hearing that can make those symptoms more likely to occur. The same thing can happen when you read about an illness or medication online. Your expectations can trigger very real physical symptoms. So how does that happen — and how do you protect yourself from it? Helen Pilcher is a science writer with a PhD in neuroscience from London's Institute of Psychiatry, and she has some remarkable examples of the nocebo effect in action. She is author of This Book May Cause Side Effects: The Curious and Dangerous Power of the Nocebo Effect, Placebo's Evil Twin (https://amzn.to/4qvrdLU). Why are sideburns called sideburns? How could the first automatic door possibly have been invented before the birth of Christ? And where in the world did the word dude come from? Those are just a few of the strange facts and curious word origins explored by Jess Zafarris. She joins me to reveal some fascinating bits of history and language that will leave you with plenty of things you never knew you wanted to know. Jess is co-author of A Miscellany of Weird and Wonderful Facts for Curious Humans Who Have Nothing Better to Do Than Read (https://amzn.to/4wFtLZq). When you say something embarrassing, have a bad hair day or just feel awkward in a group, it can seem as if everyone notices. But how closely are other people really paying attention to you? Psychologists have studied this, and what they discovered should make your next embarrassing moment a little easier to handle. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/199612/why-bad-hair-days-may-not-matter PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS MONARCH: Write your own money story with Monarch! Use promo code SYSK at ⁠https://Monarch.com⁠ to get your 1st year of Monarch Core half off at just $50 AQUATRU: Head to ⁠https://AquaTru.com⁠ now and get 20% off your purifier using promo code SYSK AquaTru even comes with a 30-day best-tasting water guarantee or your money back! WAYFAIR: Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Wayfair.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less.  QUINCE: Find your next Fall favorites at Quince! Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Quince.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too! DELL: Built for those who want better. The Dell XPS, built for you! INDEED: Get a $75 Sponsored Job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Indeed.com/PODCAST⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Samara Eckardt war Sonderpädagogin, verbeamtet auf Lebenszeit. Dann ging sie in einen Betrieb mit Schweinen, um zu sehen, wie es denen wirklich geht. Es hat ihr Herz gebrochen, aber sie auch viel gelernt. Heute setzt sie das für Tierschutz und Veganismus ein. Weiter ging es undercover: in einem sogenannten Tierwohl-Betrieb, als „Caro Bollag", mit falscher Identität. Ihre Doku „Unter Schweinen" (Team Tierschutz) zeigt, was hinter dem Label passiert. In dieser Folge erzählt sie, wie sie dort reinkam, warum ihr eigenes Gesicht ihre Geheimwaffe war, was die Zahl 2445 auf ihrem Arm bedeutet, wie sie mit 1,5 Personen drei Betriebe schließen ließ und warum sie trotz Hass von vielen Seiten weitermacht. Ein Gespräch über Tierwohl-Siegel, Demeter und Bio, Undercover-Recherche, Aktivismus-Burnout, Therapie und die Frage, wie eine Bewegung inspirierend bleibt. --

Why do people follow rules—and why do perfectly decent people sometimes break them? New research involving more than 14,000 people found something surprisingly wholesome: even when nobody is watching, breaking the rule would make us money, and no one would be harmed, 55–70% of us still follow the rule. Researchers call this “unconditional rule-following.” Translation: a lot of people behave because they genuinely believe they should, not merely because HR, God, or a traffic camera might be watching. And then there are the rest of us. When we break rules, we're remarkably talented at maintaining our self-image as good people. Psychologists call it moral disengagement; we call it having an excellent explanation. The rule was unfair. We were helping someone. Everyone else was doing it. Nobody got hurt. Or the perennial classic: At least I didn't do what THEY did. At work, rule-breaking gets even more complicated. Professor Martin Gill's research suggests employees violate rules for very different reasons: self-interest, helping someone else, pressure from coworkers, or serving what they see as a higher purpose. The employee who pads an expense report and the employee who bends a policy to save a furious customer may both have broken a rule—but they are not engaging in the same behavior. And Kirsten wants to add another category to Professor Gill's list : disengagement. Sometimes people aren't nobly rebelling, cleverly rationalizing, or pursuing personal gain. Sometimes they simply stop paying attention. They cease noticing the expectations that allow a workplace—or any community—to function.  In other words, the employee who is so disengage they don't even realize they're breaking your rule. Which brings us to the social contract: the mostly unwritten agreement that we will each do our part, follow enough of the rules, and avoid making everyone else clean up after us.  This is all to say, breaking rules in the workplace can be informative of broken systems, problems, inefficiencies, disengaged workers or maybe even plain misconduct.

Could one badly judged email, social media post, or rough patch at work put your psychology career at risk before it even begins? In this episode of Psychology, Actually, Dr Marianne Trent joins Nicholas Stöckling to explore fitness-to-practice proceedings for trainee psychologists and other pre-qualified healthcare professionals. They unpack what actually triggers FTP concerns, how the process differs across universities, why communication issues and unmanaged health conditions are common flashpoints, and how neurodivergent trainees can be disproportionately affected. Nicholas shares practical advice on social media conduct, self-disclosure, engaging with proceedings, and when to seek legal support. A must-listen for trainees, supervisors, and anyone supporting students through clinical training. #FitnessToPractice #TraineePsychologist #ClinicalPsychology #FitnessToPractise Highlights 00:00 Introduction 00:20 The pre-qualification "grey zone" explained 01:52 Why there's no standardised university FTP process 04:15 Juggling training, placements and personal life 05:34 Common examples of FTP issues for trainees 11:01 What kind of psychologist should training produce? 12:20 Cultural norms, swearing and miscommunication 15:44 The stress of undergoing an FTP investigation 16:51 Are universities there to support or to protect the public? 20:09 Why FTP processes vary so much between universities 22:01 Employer vs university: who's really accountable? 27:01 Can stage one concerns be resolved without escalating? 27:45 How careful do trainees need to be on social media? 29:31 Does a "views are my own" disclaimer protect you? 31:15 Do failed assignments lead to fitness to practise? 34:11 AI note-taking: help or new FTP risk? 36:16 Can a trainee refuse to engage with proceedings? 37:57 Should you self-disclose struggles early? 42:08 Advice for trainees facing FTP concerns 45:49 Where to find Nicholas Sterling Links:

Here's a parenting strategy to try with your son…try the “walk and talk.” When you need to address a behavior or share some difficult news, it can be tempting to lecture your son. But if you sit him down, look him in the eye, and start talking, your boy will probably avert his eyes and lose focus. Try this instead. Lace up your walking shoes, put the dog on its lead, and take your son for a long walk around your neighborhood. As you walk, calmly talk, with short and to-the-point sentences. Psychologists have found that while women prefer face-to-face interaction, men actually listen much more effectively when they are doing a shoulder-to-shoulder activity. So skip the lecture, and head outside. Your son will thank you. For more ideas for raising boys to be godly men, visit Trail Life USA or RaisingGodlyBoys.com.

In this episode, Trisha and I answer two listener questions about overthinking, self-doubt and taking a break from your usual routine. The first listener asks about those middle-of-the-night overthinking spirals, when your mind starts questioning everything you've done and telling you that you're not doing enough or you're not good enough. The second listener is heading off on a much-needed two-week holiday but is worried that taking a break from workouts and her usual routine will mean losing all the progress she's made. We explore these questions and look at the thoughts and fears that can make it difficult to switch off, step away from our routines. As always, Trisha McHale brings her psychotherapist's perspective to the conversation, helping us look at these challenges with more understanding and compassion. If you struggle with overthinking, self-doubt or feeling like you have to stay on track all the time, this episode is for you. Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com  091 725 750 About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

It's not a character flaw that you're replaying that comment, that tone, that thing you should have said — it's your mind doing its job badly. This episode breaks down what rumination actually is, why it feels productive even though it never resolves anything, and why the standard advice (stop overthinking it, just think positively) quietly makes it worse. Brett Ingram reframes the 2am replay as misdirected care — real concern with nowhere to go — and walks through three moves to redirect it: creating distance from the loop, asking whether it wants an action or a feeling, and giving it a channel out of your head. What You'll Learn in This Episode What rumination actually is, and why replaying something forty times leaves you with zero new information Why your mind loops specifically on things that feel unfinished and unsafe at the same time Why most replays are about people, not tasks — and what that says about how your brain tracks belonging The research showing rumination doesn't just fail to solve problems, it actively makes you worse at solving them Why "just stop overthinking it" and "just think positively" both backfire, and the famous experiment that proves it The reframe at the center of the episode: rumination is misdirected care, not a malfunction Three concrete moves — creating distance, asking "action or feeling," and finding a channel — plus a simple "two a.m. reset" you can use tonight Episode Timestamps [00:00] The 2am replay: reliving a conversation frame by frame [01:00] The real question — what is your mind actually trying to do? [02:00] Naming it: what rumination actually is, and why it feels productive but isn't [03:00] The "Buckner moment" — watching your worst footage on repeat [05:00] You're not broken: the Harvard study on mind-wandering and mood [06:00] Why the mind loops: unfinished and unsafe at the same time [07:00] Why most loops are social — belonging, safety, and the people around you [08:00] Susan Nolen-Hoeksema's research: rumination makes the problem harder to solve [09:00] The white bear experiment — why forcing yourself to stop backfires [10:00] The reframe: rumination is misdirected care [12:00] Move 1: Name the loop and create distance (distanced self-talk) [14:00] Move 2: Ask the one honest question — action or feeling? [17:00] Move 3: Give it a channel — say it, write it, move your body [19:00] The limits: when it's more than rumination, and when the loop is right [20:00] The Two AM Reset — a three-step practice you can use tonight Episode Summary You're an intelligent, capable adult who solves real problems all day — and yet at 2am, you're powerless against one specific conversation, replaying it frame by frame, hunting for the edit that would make it come out clean. Brett Ingram argues that this loop isn't a malfunction. It's your mind trying to protect you. It's just going about it badly. Psychologists have a name for it: rumination — the habit of responding to distress by replaying the causes, the meaning, and the what-ifs, without ever moving toward resolving anything. That's the trap. Rumination feels like processing, so it feels productive, but you can watch the same footage forty times and end up with exactly zero new information — the same trap the Fever Pitch character falls into, replaying the Buckner moment instead of living his own life. The mind loops on anything that feels unfinished and unsafe at the same time — a conversation with no clean ending, paired with something you care about (your competence, your kindness, your standing with someone) feeling at stake. Put those together, and your mind treats the moment like an active threat, refusing to file it away because filing it away feels like giving up on protecting you. Most replays are social rather than practical, because for most of human history, belonging was survival — which is why you might replay an awkward comment to a friend for a week and forget an actual mistake at work by Friday. The cruel twist, backed by the late Yale psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema's decades of research, is that rumination doesn't just fail to solve the problem — it actively makes you worse at solving it, muddling your thinking and eroding the very relationships you're looping about. Brett takes apart the two most common pieces of advice — "just stop overthinking it" and "just think positively" — and shows why both backfire, using Daniel Wegner's famous 1980s "white bear" experiment: people told not to think about a white bear end up thinking about it more, not less, because suppression forces part of the mind to stand guard over the very thought it's trying to avoid. The reframe at the center of the episode: rumination is misdirected care — real concern about something that matters, aimed at a problem it can't solve by staying in your head. From there, Brett offers three moves. First, name the loop and create distance from it, using Ethan Kross's research on "distanced self-talk" — talking to yourself in the second or third person instead of "I." Second, ask the loop one honest question: is this a real action you need to take, or a feeling you need to let yourself feel? The two require opposite responses, and confusing them is why loops never end. Third, give it a channel out of your head — say it to someone, write it down, or move your body. Brett closes with two honest caveats: when the looping is relentless, trauma-linked, or pulling you somewhere dark, that's a sign to talk to a professional, not a podcast framework. And sometimes the loop is right — it's not malfunctioning, it's a messenger for a conversation you've been avoiding. The episode ends with a simple "two a.m. reset" — name it, ask action-or-feeling, pick one channel — and the reminder that the goal was never to stop caring. It's to give the caring somewhere to go. Resources Mentioned Susan Nolen-Hoeksema — Late Yale psychologist whose decades of research established that rumination impairs, rather than aids, problem-solving Daniel Wegner — Psychologist behind the 1980s "white bear" thought-suppression experiment and the concept of the "ironic process of mental control" Ethan Kross — University of Michigan psychologist and author of Chatter, whose research on "distanced self-talk" underlies the episode's first move A well-known Harvard mind-wandering study — Real-time experience-sampling research referenced in the episode finding minds wander roughly 47% of waking hours (researcher/citation not named in the source transcript — confirm before publishing, likely Killingsworth & Gilbert, "A Wandering Mind Is an Unhappy Mind," 2010) Fever Pitch — Film referenced for the scene of a character replaying his team's worst loss on repeat instead of moving on Frequently Asked Questions Why can't I stop replaying an embarrassing or painful conversation in my head? Your mind loops on things that feel both unfinished (no clean resolution) and unsafe (something you care about — your competence, your standing with someone — feels at stake). When both are true at once, your mind treats it like an active threat and keeps it "open" rather than filing it away, because filing it away feels like giving up on protecting you. What is rumination, and how is it different from normal reflection? Rumination is the habit of replaying the causes, meaning, and what-ifs of a distressing moment without ever moving toward resolving it. A lesson has an endpoint — you learn something and the thinking is done. A loop has no endpoint — you circle the same ground and arrive nowhere, no matter how many times you replay it. Why doesn't telling myself to "just stop thinking about it" work? Because suppressing a thought requires part of your mind to keep checking whether you're thinking about it — which keeps the thought alive instead of closing it. Psychologist Daniel Wegner demonstrated this with his famous "white bear" experiment: people told not to think about a white bear thought about it more than people who were never given the instruction at all. What is "distanced self-talk," and how does it help with rumination? It's talking to yourself using your own name or "you" instead of "I" — for example, "you're looping on this again" instead of "why did I say that." Researcher Ethan Kross found this small shift creates enough psychological distance to lower distress and help people see a situation more clearly, without suppressing the thought. How do I know if I'm dealing with a real action or just a feeling that needs to be felt? Ask the loop directly: is there something I actually need to do or say, or is this just a feeling I haven't let myself feel? If it's an action, write down the smallest next step — the moment there's a plan, the urge to keep replaying it tends to drain away. If it's a feeling, name it and let it be there; you can't think your way out of something that just needs to be felt. What's the fastest thing I can do at 2am when the loop starts? Try the "two a.m. reset": name the loop and step back from it ("this is a loop, not a lesson"), ask whether it's an action or a feeling and respond accordingly, then pick one channel for tomorrow — tell one person, write one page, or take one walk. Even just naming the loop is a win on its own. When is replaying a conversation actually a sign I need to talk to a professional? If the looping is relentless, tied to a trauma you keep reliving, feels intrusive and frightening, or is pulling you into a darkness that's hard to climb out of, that's beyond ordinary rumination — it's a sign to talk to a real professional, not something a framework alone is meant to fix. Keep Exploring If this episode resonated, these are worth your time: Mind & Inner Life pillar page — Go deeper on how optYOUmize thinks about the mental patterns that quietly shape your days  Enjoyed This Episode? The best way to support optYOUmize is to subscribe and leave a review — it takes about two minutes and makes a real difference in helping more people find the show. Apple Podcasts · Spotify · Amazon Music · YouTube Leave a Review →

Summary Some employees are especially good at adapting their behaviour and creating positive impressions, but does that mean they actually perform better? A new meta-analysis suggests self-monitoring predicts supervisor performance ratings more than objective performance outcomes. This episode explores how leaders can distinguish genuine contribution from the appearance of performance.   Transcript Hello and welcome to episode 237 of the Leadership Today podcast, where each week we share practical tips to improve your leadership. This week we look at a subtle bias that can influence performance reviews: confusing someone's ability to manage impressions with their actual performance. Some people are naturally very good at reading a room. They notice what other people expect, adapt how they present themselves and adjust their behaviour to fit different situations. Psychologists call this self-monitoring. High self-monitors are socially skilled. They recognise when to speak up, when to hold back and how to present their contribution in a way that resonates with different people. Those can all be useful capabilities at work. For years, research has suggested that self-monitoring is also associated with job performance. But a new meta-analysis asks an interesting question: are high self-monitors actually performing better, or are they simply better at being seen as high performers? The researchers analysed 35 samples and found a modest overall relationship between self-monitoring and job performance. But when they examined how performance was measured, they found that the relationship appeared when supervisors rated performance, but not when performance was assessed using more objective outcome measures. This indicates that at least part of the apparent performance advantage comes from influencing the person doing the rating rather than actual performance. Most workplaces don't measure performance perfectly. Leaders form impressions based on conversations, meetings, presentations, emails and the things they happen to observe. Employees who are skilled at recognising what the manager values may naturally become more visible in those settings. Meanwhile, another employee may quietly produce excellent work without drawing much attention to it. The danger is that we start treating visibility as performance. Someone who speaks confidently in meetings can appear more capable than someone whose contribution is less visible. Someone who regularly updates the boss can appear more productive than someone who simply gets the work done. There are three practical ways leaders can reduce this bias. First, define performance before evaluating the person. Be clear about the results, behaviours and standards that matter for the role. It's much easier for impressions to take over when performance expectations are vague. Second, use multiple sources of evidence. Look at outcomes, feedback from others, customer impact and observable contribution rather than relying solely on your overall impression. Ask yourself, "What evidence would I use to explain this rating to someone who has never met this employee?" Third, look for invisible contribution. Who solves problems quietly? Who helps colleagues without drawing attention to it? Who consistently produces reliable work but rarely talks about it? Strong performance isn't always highly visible. This doesn't mean socially skilled employees are intentionally manipulating leaders to receive a more favourable performance evaluation. However, we need to be careful not to allow presentation skills to substitute for evidence when evaluating performance. Performance and the appearance of performance are not the same thing. Great leaders don't ignore impressions, but they make sure those impressions are tested against evidence.   Reference Moser, K., Ebner, K., Iliescu, D., & Sîrbu, A.-A. (2026). Self-monitoring and job performance: Substance or style? A meta-analysis. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology.   Leadership Today On-Demand Special Offer We have a great deal for podcast listeners on our Leadership Today On-Demand subscription. Just go to www.leadershiptoday.com and checkout using the promo code PODCAST for 25% off an annual subscription. Leadership Today On-Demand is a video subscription service that allows you to work on your leadership in your own time and at your own pace. It is available online and through our Apple iOS and Android apps for phones and tablets. Our mission is to help you to become an even better leader. Your subscription brings together all of our video content in one place including: - Five online courses with workbooks - Five five day challenges with workbooks - Nineteen recorded webinars - A searchable library of 170+ "how to" quick videos on a range of leadership challenges That's over $4,500 of content for less than the price of a single online course. And there are more videos added each week.   Get Connected Find out ways to get connected here: https://leadership.today/connect

What if the secret to raising happy, resilient kids fit inside a picture book about a boy who wishes he were a cat? Or a bird? Or pretty much anything but himself? That is at the heart of 'I'm Glad I'm Me', the new children's book from author James Nicholson — and the subject of our latest conversation. Host Leigh Hatcher sits down with James and clinical psychologist and resilience expert Lyn Worsley to unpack a story that sounds simple but lands hard: a little boy tries on one animal after another, chasing the feeling that someone else's life must be better, until he finally discovers he's glad to just be himself. It's a message for kids, sure. But in an age where social media is engineered to make everyone else look cooler, happier and more perfect than we feel, none of us are immune to the comparison trap. This one is for the grown-ups too. The post Winter Listening: Revisiting ‘I’m Glad I’m Me’ with James Nicholson, Lyn Worsley & Leigh Hatcher appeared first on The Resilience Centre.

Before the Lindsay Clancy Trial began, we spoke with Caitlin Slavens and Chelsea Bodie -- authors, therapists, and creators of the popular Mama Psychologists. Hear their insights in this interview conducted as jury selection began. Originally aired on our other podcast: The Prosecutors: Legal Briefs.--Check out our other show, The Prosecutors: Legal Briefs, for discussion on cases, controversial topics, or conversations with content creators.For early and ad-free access to episodes as well as the opportunity to watch us record episodes live, join our PatreonFor early and ad-free episodes, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts.Get Prosecutors Podcast MerchJoin our fan-run Facebook Group: the Gallery on Facebook for case discussions, hot legal topics, and more.Follow us on X, or as we'll always call it: Twitter @prosecutorspodFind us on Instagram or Threads @prosecutorspodCheck out our website for case resourcesHang out with us on TikTok @prosecutorspodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We started this morning in a strange place for a Sunday, an orphanage in Romania in the early 1990s. When Ceausescu's regime fell, workers found thousands of children who had stopped crying because they had learned no one was coming. Psychologists called the pattern they saw in these kids indiscriminate friendliness, kids so starved for touch they would wrap themselves around a stranger's leg for a few seconds of contact. Most of us never lived through anything close to that. But a lot of us carry the same quiet belief. There is not enough love, not enough grace, not enough security, so we grab what we can get and hold on tight.We call that the orphan mindset, and scripture names it too, using the word slave. A slave lives in someone's house but never belongs to the family. From there we walked through Mark 5, the story of Jairus and his dying daughter tangled together with the story of a woman who had been bleeding for twelve years. She reached out and touched the tassel on Jesus' cloak, believing the healing promised in Malachi was woven right into it. Jesus stopped everything to find her, not to shame her, but to call her Daughter, the only time in the New Testament he uses that word for a woman. Then he walked into a dead girl's room and said two words that meant get up, honey.Both stories point the same direction. Wealth couldn't buy Jairus a single minute. Poverty couldn't disqualify the woman from being healed. Uncleanness and death, the two most contaminating things in that culture, both got overpowered by what was in Jesus instead of the other way around. Paul says the same thing in Romans 8, that we were not given a spirit of slavery back to fear, but a spirit of adoption. We looked at how that plays out practically, in our emotions, in how we treat people, in how we handle being wrong. The invitation this week is simple. Stop sneaking around God hoping he won't notice your mess, and let him call you what he already calls you.Scripture referenced: Mark 5:21-34, Psalm 23:1, Malachi 4:2, Romans 8:15Watch the full message, share it with someone who needs it, or join us in person for the rest of the Pursuit series.

Humans are remarkably bad at predicting how long something will take. Whether it's a home project, a work assignment, or even a quick trip across town, we almost always underestimate the time involved. Psychologists have studied this tendency for decades—and understanding why it happens can help you make better plans, meet more deadlines, and avoid unnecessary frustration. https://thedecisionlab.com/biases/planning-fallacy We tend to think of imagination as something artists, inventors, and children rely on. But imagination is actually one of the most powerful—and overlooked—abilities we all possess. It shapes the decisions you make, the problems you solve, the goals you pursue, and even the life you create. There is fascinating science behind how imagination works, and once you understand it, you can use it far more effectively. My guest is Dr. Cassandra Vieten, clinical psychologist, Director of Research at the Arthur C. Clarke Center for Human Imagination at the University of California, San Diego, and author of the book Imagine That: Unlocking the Science of Imagination to Transform the Way You Think, Feel, and Live (https://amzn.to/4bqbZl7) Here is the link to discover your imagination profile: https://imagination.ucsd.edu/profile/ Artificial intelligence can write essays, diagnose diseases, generate stunning images, and defeat the world's best chess players. Yet ask it to perform certain tasks that are effortless for a human child, and it can stumble badly. Why? What exactly makes AI so powerful in some areas—and surprisingly weak in others? Beneath the headlines are some fascinating realities about how AI actually works and where it still falls short. Here to explain it is Toby Walsh, one of the world's leading AI researchers. He is Professor of Artificial Intelligence at the University of New South Wales, Chief Scientist at its AI Institute, and author of The Shortest History of AI: The Six Essential Ideas That Animate It (https://amzn.to/4hCjycc) When a highway lane is closed ahead, should you merge immediately or wait until the very end? Most drivers have strong opinions, but traffic engineers have spent years studying what actually keeps traffic moving. The answer is NOT what many people expect—and understanding it may change the way you drive through every construction zone. https://highways.dot.gov/sites/fhwa.dot.gov/files/FHWA-HRT-23-070.pdf= PLEASE SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS AIR DOCTOR: Head to ⁠https://AirDoctorPro.com⁠ and use promo code SYSK to get $250 off select AirDoctor air purifiers, including the 3500, 4000, and 5500 models. Plus, you'll receive a free 3year warranty, an $84 value, and AirDoctor's 30-day money back guarantee WAYFAIR: Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Wayfair.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less.  QUINCE: Elevate your everyday. Go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Quince.com/sysk⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too! SHOPIFY: It's time to turn those "what ifs" into CHA CHING with Shopify Today! Sign up for your $1 per month trail and start selling today at ⁠https://Shopify.com/realm⁠ INDEED: Get a $75 Sponsored Job credit to help get your job the premium status it deserves at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://Indeed.com/PODCAST⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Link Up w/The Morning Sickness Digitally All Over:Instagram: @hms_98_official, @bosskupd, @bretvesely, @dickToledoX/Twitter: @HMSon98, @DickToledo, @bretveselyFacebook: @HMSKUPDYouTube: @hmspodcast9320, @98kupdRequest/Call in/Wakeup Song line:(IN AZ) 602.585.9800More HMS: www.holmbergpodcast.com, www.98kupd.comEmail: dtoledo@98kupd.com, bvesely@98kupd.com, bbogen@98kupd.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Link Up w/The Morning Sickness Digitally All Over:Instagram: @hms_98_official, @bosskupd, @bretvesely, @dickToledoX/Twitter: @HMSon98, @DickToledo, @bretveselyFacebook: @HMSKUPDYouTube: @hmspodcast9320, @98kupdRequest/Call in/Wakeup Song line:(IN AZ) 602.585.9800More HMS: www.holmbergpodcast.com, www.98kupd.comEmail: dtoledo@98kupd.com, bvesely@98kupd.com, bbogen@98kupd.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In this episode, Trisha and I answer a listener's question about emotional eating and why we sometimes turn to food for comfort. She shares how, when she's feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, or upset, food can sometimes become a way of coping. She also asks about the connection between emotional regulation, autism, and emotional eating. We explore this topic and chat about some of the reasons we might reach for food when emotions feel difficult, and the importance of understanding ourselves with more kindness and compassion. As always, Trisha McHale brings her psychotherapist's perspective to the conversation, helping us look beneath the surface of the challenges we face. If you've ever found yourself turning to food when life feels overwhelming, or wondered why emotional eating can feel so hard to break, this episode is for you. Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com 091 725 750 About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

As an author and allyship advocate, I constantly find myself researching the power of human connection, yet I still fall into the same social traps as everyone else!  We all intellectually know that relationships are vital to our health and happiness, yet we consistently talk ourselves out of simple, daily opportunities to connect. In this episode, I had the absolute pleasure of chatting with Nicholas Epley, behavioral science professor and author of A Little More Social. Nick's research translates complex social cognition into real, actionable insights that completely reframed how I think about my own social habits—from asking for help to bridging differences. Key Themes Our Beliefs and Miscalibrated Expectations Create Social Barriers. We often avoid social interaction not because we dislike connecting, but because we wrongly assume others won't respond positively to us. We hold mistaken, pessimistic beliefs that reaching out, asking for help, or expressing gratitude will be awkward or unwelcome. "We think other people will respond less positively when we reach out to connect with them in a warm and friendly way than other people actually do. And that pessimism creates a bar, a barrier, that keeps us from reaching out more often." — Nicholas Epley Frequency Trumps Intensity for Well-Being. Social connection is a choice made up of moments we regularly miss. Small, consistent, daily interactions have a much larger impact on long-term happiness than rare, intense social events. "Psychologists have learned that happiness is really a function not of the intensity of experiences that you have, but rather the frequency of them." — Nick Epley In-Person Conversations Surface Common Ground Across Divides. When we interact with people who hold opposing political views or come from different backgrounds, actual spoken conversations are remarkably effective at reducing dehumanization and building mutual understanding. "Conversation itself is extremely powerful for surfacing common ground, for allowing people to show mutual interest, to reciprocate interest with each other. They report afterwards that having a conversation with someone they disagree with was actually just as pleasant an experience as having a conversation with someone they agree with." — Nick Epley Allyship and Outreach are Appreciated More Than We Guess. Whether it is expressing long-overdue gratitude to a former mentor or reaching out to support someone different from us, the recipient values the interaction far more than the initiator anticipates. "It turns out there's no bad time to get a note from somebody saying they appreciate you so much, or you love them so much, right? There's no bad time to get that." — Nick Epley Actionable Takeaway for Listeners Adopt the "Recognize Easy Opportunities Routinely" (REOR) mindset: Start noticing the moments where you default to avoiding connection—like walking into the office or sitting in a car—and turn them into small, routine social habits.

Merriam-Webster's Word of the Day for August 7, 2026 is: invidious • in-VID-ee-us • adjective Invidious is a formal word used to describe things that are unpleasant and likely to cause bad feelings in other people. Such bad feelings may include resentment, discontent, animosity, or envy. // Psychologists caution against drawing invidious comparisons between other people's lives as portrayed on social media and one's own. See the entry > Examples: “The gap between romantic expectation and mundane reality, frankly, never ceases to amaze with this team. France, somehow, get better, on paper, with every tournament. Talent keeps coming through at a relentless, invidious rate.” — James Horncastle, The New York Times, 16 June 2026 Did you know? If invidious reminds you of the word insidious (“gradually or subtly causing harm”), you've got a nose for negativity—at least the lexical kind. It's not that using the word invidious will harm you gradually, but that both words, in addition to rhyming and coming from Latin, are all about bad vibes. The two are otherwise unrelated; insidious comes from Latin insidiae, “ambush,” while invidious is instead a relative of envy and comes from the verb invidēre, meaning “to look askance at” or “to envy.” The link between envy and invidious is largely invisible today, as invidious is typically applied to that which is unpleasant (such as “an invidious position”) or is likely to cause harm or resentment (“invidious comparisons,” “invidious discrimination”).

SHOW NOTES: I've consulted with, coached, and advised a huge diversity of people over the decades. They include executives, entertainers, politicians, athletes, military officers, entrepreneurs, and philanthropists. The most successful of them, both at the outset and after development, had the courage of their talent. Let me define the term which I coined several years ago and which has developed into an entire book. Courage is not fearlessness, but rather the ability to accept fear and/or pressure and nevertheless perform at the top of your game. Talent includes the innate traits, abilities, and behavior which help us to master challenges and to lead. Some are highly relevant (for a consultant, communication skills) and some are irrelevant (for a consultant, perfect pitch). Psychologists call this "efficacy." The best performers are able to focus as much and as many of their talents as possible on their "callings," and might provide for the rest in hobbies and personal interests. When people can't apply the preponderance of their talents on a job or career and receive recognition—both monetary and interpersonal—for them, they become frustrated, resentful, and less productive. This dynamic is often mistakenly cited as a "toxic workplace" as though the organization is always at fault. But in reality, high performers find callings that embrace their talents and reward them handsomely. We have more power to accomplish this than we think. I began my career at Prudential Insurance, realized that the work bored me, merit wasn't necessarily promoted, and I wasn't about to become an executive anytime soon. I then took a job with a consulting firm in Princeton, learned that profession, but after leading the major profit centers was weary of the politics and infighting. From there I obtained the presidency of a consulting firm in Providence, but was fired by the owner when we starkly disagreed on his attempts to inject his ideology into the business. Finally, I founded my own firm which is still without other employees, after 41 years. I have the strongest solo consulting brand in the world, and I love doing this. We need to control our lives in a world which, both purposely and accidentally, is trying to deny us control, to remove our power, to enforce often inappropriate normative pressure. It's absurd to abide by "influencers" who have no real motive except to make money. We need to be our own "influencers." There's no secret here, no "12 steps," no weekend retreat. It's as simple as this: •Identify what you love doing and are great at •Determine how best to market and monetize it •Rejoice in the courage of your talent You don't need the Wizard to give you courage, as he did for the lion in The Wizard of Oz. Because what the Wizard actually did was to show the lion the courage and talent already resident in his heart and soul. Find yours. Alan Weiss is a global, award-winning consultant, coach, speaker, and author—with 57 books, and 16 additional editions in 15 languages. He's the only non-journalist in history to have received the Lifetime Achievement Award from the American Press Institute, a Fellow of the Institute of Management Consultants, and an inductee in the National Speakers Association Hall of Fame®. His newest book is The Courage of Your Talent (Taylor and Francis, 2026). Advance purchases: amazon.com/Courage-You-Talent-Self-Esteem-Constantly/ebook-dp/B0GXRNT7DY

It's never been easier to compare ourselves to others than the time we live in. Researchers have found that one of social media's most damaging effects isn't seizing our attention—it's that it constantly invites us to compare our lives to others. Psychologists call this “upward comparison”: looking at people who appear more successful, more attractive, happier or more fulfilled. The result is often greater anxiety, lower self-esteem and a distorted sense of identity. We were created to behold God, but we've become experts at beholding everybody else. In the Digital Age, comparison has moved from an occasional temptation to a way of life. But comparison is identity theft. It causes us to look horizontally for something that can only be found vertically. It makes us look around for what can only be found by looking up — to Christ.  

In this episode, Trisha and I answer two thoughtful listener questions that so many women will relate to. The first is about perfectionism and the pressure to get everything right. If you've ever felt like giving up because you couldn't do something perfectly, you're not alone. We explore why this mindset can keep us stuck and how we can begin to be kinder to ourselves. The second question looks at the balance between self-discipline and self-compassion. How do we know when to push ourselves and when it's ok to rest? It can be difficult to tell the difference, especially when guilt gets involved. As always, Trisha McHale brings her psychotherapist's perspective to the conversation, helping us look beneath the surface of these common struggles. If you've ever wrestled with perfectionism, questioned whether you're being too hard on yourself, or wondered how to find the balance between discipline and compassion, this episode is for you. Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com 091 725 750 About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

You can't stop comparing yourself to others, and treating it like a bad habit you should be able to quit only adds shame to the pile. Comparison is built into how humans figure out where they stand — it's the ruler your mind reaches for whenever a question has no objective measure. This episode reframes the whole problem: the goal isn't to silence comparison but to read it. The sting you feel is information, pointing at either a value that's genuinely yours or a borrowed metric you never actually chose — and learning to tell the two apart is the real work. What You'll Learn in This Episode Why comparing yourself is evidence you're a person, not evidence something is wrong with you Why the reflex is strongest on the parts of life that have no scoreboard — marriage, parenting, whether your work adds up How social media rigged an ancient instinct by pitting your whole life against everyone else's highlight reel What a 2014 study found about social media, upward comparison, and self-esteem — and why the evidence deserves honesty, not overclaiming The assimilation–contrast distinction: why the same success can inspire one person and flatten another A three-question framework — whose scoreboard, what's it pointing at, what's the smallest honest move — you can run in 90 seconds How realizing you don't want something can be one of the most freeing outcomes available Episode Timestamps [00:00] The four-second collapse: happy until you see someone else's life [01:15] Why you're wired to compare — and why willpower won't switch it off [02:30] Festinger's social comparison theory and the missing ruler [03:15] A story from the soccer field: feeling great until you get to know the other dads [05:00] Why it's worse now: a few hundred neighbors vs. thousands of highlight reels [06:30] The invisible price tag — debt, help, and unhappiness you never see [07:45] What the research actually says (and where it's honest to hedge) [08:45] Inspired or crushed? Assimilation, contrast, and the film Amadeus [10:40] Why "just stop comparing yourself" is useless and a little harmful [12:30] The three questions: scoreboard, signal, smallest honest move [14:30] Running the framework on career, marriage, and fitness [16:30] Three cautions so you don't misuse it [18:20] The 90-second practice for the week [19:40] Whose scoreboard are you playing on? — closing Episode Summary We tend to treat comparison as a personal weakness — something disciplined, well-adjusted people have supposedly grown out of. This episode starts by taking that weight off your shoulders. Comparing yourself to other people isn't a character flaw; it's evidence that you're human. Back in 1954, psychologist Leon Festinger laid out what he called social comparison theory: when there's no objective ruler for something, we reach for the nearest available one, which is other people. That's why comparison bites hardest exactly where it matters most and can least be measured — whether you're a good parent, whether your career adds up, whether your life means anything. Nobody agonizes over comparing their shoe size. They agonize over the things with no scoreboard. So if the reflex is this normal, why does it feel so much worse than it used to? Because the environment changed while the wiring didn't. For almost all of human history you compared yourself to a few hundred people whose whole lives you actually saw — the good mornings and the bad ones, the arguments, the ordinary Tuesdays. Now the comparison set is thousands of strangers, and you're not seeing their lives. You're seeing their highlight reels: the launch, not the eighteen months of doubt before it; the vacation, not the credit card statement after it. You're pitting your entire unedited life against the single best moment other people chose to publish. It was never a fair fight. Brett illustrates it with a moment from his own life — feeling genuinely good about working from home and being present for his kids, right up until a conversation with other dads at soccer practice made him wonder if he'd made the wrong call entirely. Nothing about his life had changed. Only the ruler had. There's real research here, handled with care. A 2014 study by Erin Vogel and colleagues, Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem, found that heavier Facebook users tended to have lower self-esteem, with the link running specifically through upward comparison. The honest caveat: it's correlational, the effect runs both ways, and no single study settles it — but it lines up with what we already sense, that a steady diet of context-free upward comparison wears people down. The more interesting finding is that looking "up" doesn't automatically hurt. Psychologists distinguish assimilation ("that's possible, that could be me") from contrast ("that just proves how far behind I am"). Same person, same achievement, opposite effects. As the episode puts it, the sting isn't fixed — it has a dial, and the dial is your relationship with the comparison, not the comparison itself. That's why "just stop comparing yourself" is such bad advice. You can't — it's like telling someone to stop feeling hungry — and even if you could, you'd be throwing away real information. Envy is one of the most honest signals you have precisely because it slips past your rehearsed answers about what you're supposed to want and points at what you actually want and don't have. The move is to calibrate the instrument, not smash it. This is where the episode connects to building a clearer relationship with your own mind: instead of killing the signal, you read it with three questions. Whose scoreboard is this — did I ever choose this measure? What is the sting pointing at — a genuine value, or a borrowed metric? And what's the smallest honest move — one step toward it this week, or the quiet, freeing decision to stop keeping score? You can run it standing in your kitchen in about ninety seconds. The point isn't to feel less. It's to understand more — and to finally answer, for yourself, whose scoreboard you're actually playing on. Resources Mentioned Leon Festinger, "A Theory of Social Comparison Processes" (1954) — the foundational paper establishing that we evaluate ourselves against others when objective measures are missing. Human Relations, 7(2), 117–140. Vogel, Rose, Roberts & Eckles, "Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem" (2014) — linked heavier Facebook use with lower self-esteem via upward comparison. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. Amadeus (1984) — used as an illustration of contrast comparison, with Salieri undone by proximity to Mozart's genius. Mind & Inner Life pillar page — https://www.optyoumize.com/mind-inner-life?hsLang=en Frequently Asked Questions Why can't I stop comparing myself to others? Because comparison isn't a habit — it's a built-in way of measuring yourself when no objective ruler exists. Festinger's social comparison theory showed we use other people as a yardstick precisely for the questions that can't be measured directly, which is why it's strongest on the things we care about most. Is comparing yourself to others normal? Yes. It's standard human wiring, not a sign of insecurity or weakness. The episode's phrase is that you're "running standard human software." What varies isn't whether you compare, but whether you let an unexamined comparison run your mood and your decisions. Why does social media make comparison worse? It distorts the inputs. You're comparing your whole, unedited life — including everything nobody else can see — against other people's curated highlight reels. Research associates heavy upward comparison online with lower self-esteem, and you can never see the invisible debt, help, or unhappiness behind someone's polished image. What's the difference between healthy and unhealthy comparison? It's the difference between assimilation and contrast. Assimilation turns someone else's success into proof that something is possible for you and pulls you forward. Contrast turns the same success into evidence of how far behind you are and pushes you down. The comparison itself is neutral; your relationship to it decides the effect. How do I deal with envy of someone's success? Treat the envy as data, not shame. Ask whose scoreboard you're using, whether it points to a value that's genuinely yours or a borrowed metric, and what the smallest honest move is. If it's real, take one small step toward it. If it's borrowed, consciously stop keeping score on it. How do I know if a goal is actually mine or something I absorbed? Look underneath the sting. If it points to something you genuinely care about and have been neglecting, it's a real value worth one honest step. If you realize you don't actually want the thing — you just don't want to look behind — it's a borrowed metric, and putting it down is a relief, not a failure. Keep Exploring If this episode resonated, these are worth your time: Mind & Inner Life (pillar page) — The home base for building a steadier relationship with your own thoughts and self-evaluation → https://www.optyoumize.com/mind-inner-life?hsLang=en Money & Financial Wellbeing (pillar page) — Because so much comparison is really about borrowed scoreboards of money and status → https://www.optyoumize.com/money-financial-wellbeing?hsLang=en Life Architecture — How the seven pillars fit together into a whole, intentional life → https://www.optyoumize.com/life-architecture?hsLang=en Enjoyed This Episode? The best way to support optYOUmize is to subscribe and leave a review — it takes about two minutes and makes a real difference in helping more people find the show. Apple Podcasts · Spotify · Amazon Music · YouTube Leave a Review →

Send us Fan Mail✅Learn Trading In-Person from me 1-on-1: https://form.typeform.com/to/O1Yiz8LXIn this video, I shared the biggest trading psychology lessons I learned from my conversations with 3 trading legends: Dr. Steenbarger, Tom Hougaard and Jack Schwager. Book - Short Selling MasterPreorder David Capablanca's book - Short Selling Master Friendly Bear Conference 7Early Bird ticket for Friendly Bear Conference 7 ft. Tom Hougaard on 10/12/26 Friendly Bear UniversityGet Profitable & Master Your Trading - Memberships & Courses Now AvailableCobra TradingClick the link and get 33% off commissions for life as well as one month of free DAS Trader PlatformStock Analysis ProGet unlimited access to all financial data and tools.AskEdgarUse Code friendlybear for 25% off for AskEdgar, the new standard for researching SEC filingsDavid's InstagramSubscribe for behind the scenes trading related contentDavid's X ProfileFollow David Capablanca on X!Disclaimer: This post contains affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.Support the show

Jury selection has begun in the Lindsay Clancy case. Clancy, who is accused of murdering her three children, is expected to argue that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis at the time. Caitlin Slavens and Chelsea Bodie--authors, therapists, and creators of the popular Mama Psychologists--join us to try and explain the unexplainable.https://www.instagram.com/mamapsychologists/?hl=enCheck out our other show The Prosecutors: Legal Briefs for discussion on cases, controversial topics, or conversations with content creators.For early and ad-free access to episodes as well as the opportunity to watch us record episodes live, join our PatreonFor early and ad-free episodes you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts.Get Prosecutors Podcast Merch Join our fan run Facebook Group: the Gallery on Facebook for case discussions, hot legal topics, and more. Follow us on X or as we'll always call it: Twitter @prosecutorspodFind us on Instagram or Threads @prosecutorspodCheck out our website for case resourcesHang out with us on TikTok @prosecutorspodSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Send us Fan MailDr. Steven Segal is a psychologist, philosophical counsellor, and leadership coach. He is a former Associate Professor at the Macquarie Graduate School of Management and has spent more than two decades working at the intersection of psychology, philosophy, leadership, and organisational life. His work explores how individuals and communities respond to uncertainty, disruption, and existential threats—those moments when people experience a loss of meaning, belonging, identity, or a sense of being at home in the world. Through his therapy, counselling, coaching, teaching, and writing, he helps individuals and organisations navigate complexity, anxiety, and change while remaining connected to what matters most.His most recent book is Mandela's Leadership Legacy: Emotional and Existential Wisdom. The book was written as a kind of conversation between Martin Heidegger's existential philosophy and Mandela's way of being a leader. It used Heidegger to shed light on Mandela's existential journey and used Mandela to provide an accessible introduction to the philosophy of Heidegger.A Couple Quotes From This Episode"Mandela wasn't the kind of motivational speaker who gets people hyped up. His style was much more thoughtful in the sense of working through emotion.""Dialogue across difference, it gets to your identity. And when our identity feels a bit threatened, we tend to become reactive rather than listening. Mandela was able to listen when there were threats to his identity."ResourcesBook: Business Feel: From the Science of Management to the Philosophy of LeadershipPhilosophical Reflections and Insights for Psychologists and Psychotherapists (forthcoming)Website - Dr. Steven SegalAbout The International Leadership Association (ILA)The ILA was created in 1999 to bring together professionals interested in studying, practicing, and teaching leadership. Attend The Global Conference in Toronto, October 28-31.About  Scott J. AllenWebsiteWeekly Newsletter: Practical Wisdom for LeadersMy Approach to HostingThe views of my guests do not constitute "truth." Nor do they reflect my personal views in some instances. However, they are views to consider, and I hope they help you clarify your perspective. Nothing can replace your reflection, research, and exploration of the topic.♻️ Please share with others and follow/subscribe to the podcast!⭐️ Please leave a review on Apple, Spotify, or your platform of choice.➡️ Follow me on LinkedIn for more on leadership, communication, and tech.

We listen to Victor Davis Hanson describe the rise in Socialism and the characteristics that are associated with that theme. Psychologists make up one group that has been captured by the far left. We discussed the psychological motivations that create the political incentives for socialists and some of the experiences that Julie has had with the Psychologist organization.Clip from The Daily SignalVictor Davis Hanson: The Ungrateful Urban Class Turning Into the New Democrat Socialist PartyFollow Us:YouTubeXFacebookBlueskyAll audio & videos edited by: Jay Prescott Videography

There are moments happening in your life right now that your anxious mind is walking straight past. Tiny, warm moments that exist quietly in the background of your day, waiting to be noticed. Psychologists call them "glimmers," and the neuroscience is clear: the more you train your brain to find them, the more your nervous system shifts out of threat mode. In this episode of Calming Anxiety, we aren't pretending your problems have gone away; we are simply showing your brain that there is more to your story than just the difficult parts. Through deep, mindful breathing, we activate the vagus nerve to establish safety and connection. Then, we take a gentle walk through an ordinary day to re-tune your brain's survival scanner away from danger and toward warmth. Episode Chapters00:00 – Cold Intro: What Are Glimmers? 00:50 – Welcome from Martin & Settling into Your Space 01:44 – Arriving in the Present & Letting the Noise Move Back 02:33 – Vagus Nerve Activation: The Power of the Long Exhale 04:01 – Guided Walk Through an Ordinary Day 06:21 – Re-Tuning the Scanner: The Neuroscience of Safety 07:14 – Affirmations to Soften Your Anxious Mind 08:29 – 3 Daily Caring Tips to Train Your Brain 10:02 – Returning Awareness & Closing Thoughts Today's Grounding AffirmationsLet these words land gently and feel the warmth they bring to your chest: "I notice what is warm, I notice what is good." "My day contains more light than my anxiety tells me." "I am becoming someone who hunts the glimmers, not threats." "I deserve to feel a quiet beauty that already surrounds me." "For good moments are real, they count, I allow them in." "I am grateful, I am present, I am here." 3 Daily Caring TipsTake these simple, powerful habits with you to rewrite your neural pathways today: The One Glimmer Rule: Before you check your phone, notifications, or messages today, find one physical glimmer first—a sound, a texture, or a temperature. Just notice it. Pass One On: Share a single sentence about a glimmer you found with someone else today. Sharing a glimmer multiplies it and shifts two nervous systems at once. The Evening Collect: Before sleep, ask yourself: "What was my glimmer today?" This single habit trains your brain to look for safety and does wonders for anxiety. If this session helped re-tune your nervous system today, please subscribe and share it with a friend or family member who needs a gentle reminder that there are still good moments out there. Your shares are exactly how our daily show reaches the people who need it the most. If you want to go deeper on your journey to peace, try the Anxiety Breaker course at calminganxiety.fm, featuring five targeted, guided hypnotherapy sessions designed by me to reset your mind. Have a lovely day, smile always, bring positivity when you can, and to your beautiful soul—be kind.

In today's episode, Trisha and I answer two powerful listener questions that so many women will relate to. The first question comes from a listener who wants to stop drinking but feels stuck in the same evening routine. She knows she'll feel better without alcohol, yet the thought of a glass of wine after a long day is hard to resist. If you've ever wondered why willpower isn't enough or why evenings can feel incomplete without a drink, this conversation is for you. The second question is about self-belief. It's about looking confident on the outside while feeling overwhelmed and not enough on the inside. We explore why so many women hold themselves back, fear putting themselves out there, and struggle to see themselves the way others do. As always, Trisha McHale shares her psychotherapist perspective, helping us understand what's really going on beneath these struggles and how small shifts in awareness can lead to lasting change. Whether you're trying to break a habit, build confidence, or simply understand yourself a little better, we hope this conversation leaves you feeling encouraged, understood, and ready to take the next step. Click play and let's dive in. To apply for membership to Thrive Academy, Jessica's coaching program, go to www.jessicacooke.ie/thrive To contact Trisha McHale for more information on Therapy and Counselling services: galway@mindandbodyworks.com 091 725 750 About Trisha McHale: Trisha is a Psychotherapist and Director of Mind & Body Works Counselling and Psychotherapy Centre, based in Galway, with centres in Galway and Dublin. Their team of over 50 Psychotherapists and Psychologists work with adults, couples, adolescents, and children, offering therapies including CBT, EMDR, and Art Therapy. They also run a low-cost counselling service.

In this enlightening episode, host Dr. Dèsa Karye Daniel engages with Drs. Karen Suyemoto and Diane Jung Gallo from Psychologists for Justice in Palestine (PJP) to discuss the organization's mission and goals. They explore the challenges and victories of social justice action work, emphasizing the importance of their efforts in the current socio-political climate. The conversation delves into strategies for counteracting fatigue in advocacy and highlights what excites the guests about future initiatives. This episode offers valuable insights into the intersection of psychology and social justice, making it a must-listen for those interested in the ongoing fight for justice in Palestine. For more on our guests, links from the conversation, and APA citation for this episode visit https://concept.paloaltou.edu/resources/the-thoughtful-counselor-podcast  The Thoughtful Counselor is created in partnership with Palo Alto University's Division of Continuing & Professional Studies. Learn more at concept.paloaltou.edu  

Doctor Kay and Doctor Ray bring their psychological segments to Fiji! They discuss the standard 6 segments applied to castmates & moments from the entire season 8–all but the finale! The abhorrent moments that showed a lack of consent by the women are exposed, the championing moment of gathering castmate consent on Aftersun is celebrated, and the specific examples of people-pleasing vs. image management are delineated. Plus, Dr.s Kay & Ray discuss some of the wins & losses of Aftersun in detail. REALITY TEST WITH US: Did you like the Aftersun episodes this season? What were some of the winning & losing moments on Aftersun, from your opinion? EMAIL US about it! Realitycheckpodding@gmail.com.o-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=OListeners! Come visit the Patreon for free at⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ (http://patreon.com/RealityTest)  ⁠patreon.com/RealityTest⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ (or search on Patreon with “@RealityTest”) & check out some of the benefits of a free membership (early access to the audio episodes!) & the paid tier! For only a MEASLY $5/month, you get the bonus features, including Mental Health Check-Up episodes, the VIDEO episodes, the full audio episode archive, and bonus & behind-the-scenes video content!The first 10 paying members will get shoutouts on the pod & 5 randomly selected members will get a free year of membership after joining! What are you waiting for? Come watch our video episodes, & join us in learning a little something about psych & mental health from our examinations of your favorite reality TV shows, castmates, and tea! O=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-oReality testing is when we check an emotion or thought we're having against objective reality. So, here in Reality Test, we're going to be testing the thoughts, emotions, interactions, and producer antics of reality television against what we know, as licensed psychologists, about objective reality. Come with us, let's Reality Test!Hosts: Dr. Kay & Dr. RayThank you to our sound extraordinaire, Connor!Patreon: patreon.com/RealityTest Linkt.ree/@RealityTestInstagram: @realitytestpodcastThreads: @drkaypodsTikTok: @realitytestpodYouTube Channel: @realitytestpodFacebook Page: Reality Test PodEmail: realitycheckpodding@gmail.com     Dr. Kay: @drkaypods (Insta) & @dr.realitv (TikTok)Dr. Ray: @drraypods (Insta)O=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-o

Psychologists are warning most of us are addicted to our phones, but we don't realise it until we get help for other problems. Cell phone addiction is not clinically recognised, but those on the front line are seeing its impact everyday. Field Correspondent Charlotte Cook reports.

You can listen wherever you get your podcasts or check out the fully edited transcript of our interview at the bottom of this post.In this episode of The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, Michaeleen Doucleff and I talk about her new book Dopamine Kids: A Science-Based Plan to Rewire Your Child's Brain and Take You're your Family in the Age of Screens and Ultraprocessed Foods. Michaeleen's position is not that screens and ultra-processed food are “bad.” Rather, Michaeleen explains how they can take the place of things that truly bring us joy and pleasure, leaving us with an empty feeling of "what's next?" and an endless cycle of wanting. We focus on how dopamine has been misunderstood and how it actually works, how magnets like screens and ultraprocessed foods keep us stuck, and small changes you can make to start shifting things in your home.Know someone who might appreciate this episode? Share it with them!And if you love the podcast, FREE ways to help us out:1- Rate and review the podcast in your podcast player app2- “Like” this post by tapping the heart icon ♥️3- Share this with a friend. THANK YOU!We talk about:* 00:00 Introduction to Dopamine Kids and why our understanding of dopamine is outdated* 02:15 Michaeleen's journey from NPR science journalist to parenting author* 05:00 Dopamine isn't pleasure—it's wanting: the neuroscience that changes everything* 07:20 Why kids say they'd rather play with friends than be on screens* 08:00 The difference between dopamine, serotonin, and real satisfaction* 13:30 How apps and ultra-processed foods hijack the brain's reward system* 16:45 Why endless scrolling never feels satisfying* 18:30 “Bottomlessness”—one of the biggest design tricks keeping us hooked* 20:30 Why we want activities for our kids with a clear purpose and a clear endpoint* 22:00 The veggie straw experiment that changed Michaeleen's thinking about food* 26:50 Magnets and cues: how screens become automatic habits* 32:00 Why removing screens isn't enough—you have to replace them* 33:30 Helping kids meet their real need for adventure and autonomy* 36:00 Small, permanent changes vs. temporary screen detoxes* 37:30 Why the car is a great place to start reducing screens* 38:00 Is reducing screens really more work?* 40:15 Why laws and regulations haven't caught up with technology* 43:00 Why this isn't a willpower problem* 46:30 Can kids ever use screens in moderation?* 49:00 Paid video games vs. free games* 51:30 This isn't about screens being “bad”* 53:00 Helping kids gradually learn to use technology well* 54:00 School Chromebooks and why parents have more influence than they realize* 58:00 Advice Michaeleen would give her younger parenting self* 1:00:00 Why kids have to experience offline joy before they'll want it* 1:01:00 Sarah's client who removed the TV—and what happened next* 1:02:30 Final thoughts and where to find MichaeleenResources mentioned in this episode:* Michaeleen's website* Dopamine Kids: A Science-Based Plan to Rewire Your Child's Brain and Take You're your Family in the Age of Screens and Ultraprocessed Foods* How to Stop Fighting About Video Games with Scott Novis * The Peaceful Parenting MembershipConnect with Sarah Rosensweet:* Instagram* Facebook Group* YouTube* Website* Join us on Substack* Newsletter* Book a short consult or coaching session callxx Sarah and CoreyYour peaceful parenting team- click here for a free short consult or a coaching sessionVisit our website for free resources, podcast, coaching, membership and more!>> Please support us!!! Please consider becoming a supporter to help support our free content, including The Peaceful Parenting Podcast, our free parenting support Facebook group, and our weekly parenting emails, “Weekend Reflections” and “Weekend Support” - plus our Flourish With Your Complex Child Summit (coming back in the fall for the 3rd year!) All of this free support for you takes a lot of time and energy from me and my team. If it has been helpful or meaningful for you, your support would help us to continue to provide support for free, for you and for others.In addition to knowing you are supporting our mission to support parents and children, you get the podcast ad free and access to a monthly ‘ask me anything' session.Sarah: Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Peaceful Parenting Podcast.Today's guest is journalist Michaeleen Doucleff. She is the author of the book Hunt, Gather, Parent and now has a new book out called Dopamine Kids: A Science-Based Plan to Rewire Your Child's Brain and Take Back Your Family in the Age of Screens and Ultra-Processed Food.Michaeleen's first book is one of our favorite parenting books, and now we can add this one to the list. She walks us through how screens and ultra-processed food hook us and keep our brains stuck in a hijacked wanting cycle without giving us actual rewards and pleasure.We eventually get around to discussing this, but I want to stress right here at the beginning that Michaeleen isn't saying that screens and ultra-processed food are evil or that they have no place in our lives. Rather, they can take the place of things that truly bring us joy and pleasure, leaving us with an empty feeling of “what's next?” and an endless cycle of wanting.I learned so much from this book. I'd been wanting to make some changes in my own life with my relationship with my phone, and this book helped me understand why it was so hard and what I could do. A hint: as it turns out, we don't understand dopamine correctly at all. Our cultural shorthand about what dopamine is and what role it plays in the motivation and pleasure cycle is totally outdated.If you're interested in making some positive shifts in your child's life, in your family, and in your own life, you're going to love this interview and Michaeleen's book.If you like this episode, please share it with a friend so more parents can learn about peaceful parenting. If you're a fan of the podcast, you can help us out not only by sharing it, but by leaving a review and a five-star rating in your podcast player app. While you're there, don't forget to follow the show so you don't miss an episode.If you'd like to support us even more, you can become a supporter on Substack to help us offset the cost of making the show. We'll put a link in the show notes.Let's meet Michaeleen. I hope you enjoy this conversation and get as much out of her insights as I did.Sarah: Hi, Michaeleen. Welcome back to the podcast.Michaeleen: Thank you so much for having me.Sarah: When we had you on a few years ago to talk about your first parenting book, Hunt, Gather, Parent—we'll link to it in the show notes—it ended up being one of our favorite podcasts out of the 200-some episodes we've done. I'm so excited to have you back to talk about your new book.Michaeleen: Thank you so much. That's so nice. It's an honor to come back.Sarah: I'm so happy to have you. Tell us a little bit about who you are and what you do.Michaeleen: I was—or I still am—a science journalist. I've been one now for about 16 years, and I spent 13 or 14 years as a radio correspondent at NPR. I'm still there covering children's health, global health, neuroscience, and psychology.Before that, I was trained as a chemist. I have a PhD in chemistry.Five years ago, I wrote the parenting book Hunt, Gather, Parent, and I had no idea I'd ever become a parenting expert. That definitely wasn't on my life bingo card.When I had my daughter Rosie almost 11 years ago, I had no clue what I was doing. It just seemed like an impossible task. Then I started studying parenting around the world, and I realized there was an easier way to do things. That's what Hunt, Gather, Parent is about.More recently, about six years ago, I was really trying to fix my own screen problem—my own addiction to my phone. I was so obsessed with it. As I investigated neuroscience, psychology, and behavioral psychology, I started to realize, “Oh gosh, we're really getting a lot of things wrong when it comes to screens and our kids.”That led me to write this next book, Dopamine Kids, to clarify a bunch of myths but also update the advice because it's really old. A lot of the advice out there is based on psychology from 20, 30, even 40 years ago.Sarah: Or even more.Michaeleen: Exactly.Sarah: Exactly. And I'm going to ask you about that. So tell us, what's the central idea behind your new book, Dopamine Kids?Michaeleen: One of the biggest ideas is that we're thinking about screens wrong. We think they're these endless sources of pleasure. We think dopamine is this molecule that brings us pleasure and that the more we have, the happier we are.But that's really old neuroscience.What dopamine actually gives us is the feeling of desire, wanting, and craving. It makes us obsessed.So what screens are doing is cranking that system up. They're increasing motivation, craving, and wanting. But if you look at what happens over time, they actually rob us of pleasure and reduce the amount of pleasure we experience in our lives.So this idea that screens—video games and social media—are treats and rewards for kids is wrong. It's all wrong.What is actually most rewarding and pleasurable for kids are things in the real world because real-world experiences don't just give us desire and wanting. They also give us satisfaction, joy, and long-lasting pleasure.So Dopamine Kids is really a reset of what actually brings our kids pleasure in life. It also provides a toolset to retrain your kids' brains so they naturally want and reach for offline activities and foods that make them feel good—foods that really nourish them and bring satisfaction.It's about rethinking our idea of pleasure. What does pleasure actually look like?I think the media, marketing, and corporations have taught us that pleasure and wanting are basically the same thing—that we want things because they bring us pleasure.But if you actually look at the science and the data, there are so many things out there that drive our wanting while robbing us of pleasure.Social media is a really good example. Kids use it because they want a sense of belonging. They want to feel connected. But over the long run, social media does the opposite. It makes them feel lonelier, and yet they still want it.I see this book as an operating manual for shaping and changing your kids' habits into the ones you want for them as a parent, but also habits that nourish kids and bring joy, happiness, and pleasure to the whole family.We often think limiting screens is about depriving kids of pleasure.It's actually the opposite.It's about reclaiming pleasure.Sarah: I had Lenore Skenazy on the podcast. Do you know her work?Michaeleen: Yeah, we're friends.Sarah: She was on the podcast a few months ago, and she was talking about how, if you ask kids what they want—would they rather be on screens or play with their friends?—by far the number one answer is playing with their friends, not being on screens.Michaeleen: Yeah. I think it's almost double.Sarah: Exactly. And yet I don't think most parents realize that.Michaeleen: Right. I didn't realize that either. I think it's because we confuse begging, screaming, and tantruming for the screen with joy and pleasure.Sarah: Okay, so tell us about that, because what I learned from your book is that everyone thinks dopamine is, “Ah, I just got a hit of dopamine and I feel so good.”Michaeleen: Yeah.Sarah: But it's not dopamine that makes you feel good. It's serotonin and, I think, endorphins that make you feel good.You go into this in much more detail in the book, and I highly recommend it. It was excellent. I have to tell you, I was on an office hours call with my membership before I even knew you had written a new book, and one of my members said, “I'm reading this parenting book called Dopamine Kids, and it's a page-turner.”She said, “I've never had a parenting book that's a page-turner, but you've got to get your hands on this.”Then I looked it up and realized it was your book, and I was so excited to get it and read it.Can you explain the basic idea? I know it's too much detail to go into fully, but what's the difference? What does dopamine actually do, and why isn't it what we think it is?Michaeleen: For a long time—really since the 1950s—neuroscientists thought we do things over and over again because they're pleasurable.Neuroscientists have been obsessed with getting people and animals to press buttons for over a hundred years. Rats, mice, apes, pigeons—they've all been part of these experiments. It's almost like an iPad. Press, press, press, tap.For a long time, researchers could stimulate one region of the brain—the dopamine center—and the animals would go crazy pressing the button all day long. They wouldn't even stop to go to the bathroom. It makes you think of someone playing video games for hours. They're just obsessed with pressing the button.Researchers believed that because this was the dopamine center of the brain, dopamine made you press the button because it felt good and brought you pleasure. They even conducted similar experiments with people, and that very simple explanation stood for a long time.Then, about 30 years ago, a couple of scientists came along and asked, “Wait a second. Is this really true? Do we always act because something is pleasurable?”They designed better experiments, and what they found was astonishing. Dopamine doesn't do that at all.Dopamine makes us want.It makes you want something, and it makes you want to do something over and over again. It's like a “do it again” button in the brain.Do it again.Do it again.Whenever you can, do it again.The way the system is supposed to work is that first you want something, and dopamine motivates you to work for it. Then, when you get what you wanted, the pleasure center starts to light up.Those are different neurotransmitters. That's where endorphins—the body's natural opioids—and serotonin come in.Serotonin allows you to appreciate what you have. It's what lets you say, “Oh, I got what I wanted. I feel really good. Ah... I can stop now. I can take a break.”In many ways, pleasure is the opposite of dopamine because it gives you satisfaction, and satisfaction stops wanting.There are a couple of classic examples. One is sex, which is probably the R-rated version. But another is thirst.Imagine you're running on a hot day. You've run out of water, and after half an hour or an hour, you really want something to drink.That's dopamine. That's your dopamine hit—that strong feeling of desire.Wanting can actually feel good. If I fall in love and I want to be with my partner, the wanting feels good.But wanting can also become frustrating. If you want something for too long and don't get it, that feeling turns into frustration.So you're out running on this hot day thinking, “Oh my gosh, I want water so badly.”That's dopamine.That's not pleasure yet.Then you see a glass of water, or you get one and take a drink, and you think, “Ah, that feels so good.”That's the pleasure system.Sarah: That's where you get the serotonin and the endorphins.Michaeleen: Exactly. And the endocannabinoids too—the body's natural cannabinoids. A whole bunch of things kick in.The wonderful thing about this pleasure response is that it can last a long time. It lingers. It makes you feel optimistic and gives your life a kind of glow because you've gotten what you need to survive.I remember being really upset as a kid, and my mom would come over and hug me. I'd bury my face into her, and it felt so good. It was just this feeling that everything was okay again.That's what these pleasure molecules do.Dopamine is saying, “Everything is not okay. I need this before things can be okay.”They're very different.Sarah: Okay. This is the part I still feel like I'm only beginning to understand.How do the makers of apps and video games—and we've mostly been talking about screens, but you also write a lot about ultra-processed foods—how do they get us stuck in the dopamine cycle?What I took away from your book is that these things are so powerful because they keep us trapped in that cycle of wanting...Sarah: What I understood from your book is that these things are so powerful because they keep us stuck in the dopamine cycle. It's just wanting, wanting, wanting.You said something in the book about how they've figured out a way to hack a weakness in our brain circuitry. Forgive me if that's not the exact wording, but they've essentially hacked a weakness in the brain to keep us stuck in dopamine without ever giving us a real reward.How does that work?Michaeleen: First of all, both the tech industry and the food industry have admitted this for a long time. This isn't something I've come up with. They've openly admitted it. Even the food industry says, “We want to make something you can't stop eating.”Sarah: Right. You read all these interviews with industry insiders, and they're very open about it. Everybody knows they've admitted it. But how does it actually work?Michaeleen: There are a lot of tricks.Let's start with screens because a lot of these techniques actually came from the gambling industry. In the ‘80s and ‘90s, casinos started replacing mechanical slot machines and poker machines with video versions—basically gambling apps on giant touchscreens.They explicitly asked, “What can we do to this game to keep people playing for as long as possible?” Some people would play for 24 or even 48 hours straight. They ran massive A/B tests to figure out exactly how they could tweak the games to send people into this dopamine loop—this wanting loop—where people actually stopped wanting to win because winning took them out of the loop.So it's very empirical. They've simply tested what keeps people there.In the book, I describe it as a kind of recipe parents can use to recognize whether an app is doing this to their child. Psychologists even have a name for this state. It's called dark flow, where you lose track of time and where you are. We've all experienced it while scrolling social media. Twenty or thirty minutes go by and you think, “What just happened?” You're in this loop of wanting because, if you actually experienced pleasure and satisfaction, you would stop. You'd stop wanting.One of the biggest tricks is speed. The faster the cycle runs, the more it traps you. If you think about videos and video games, they've become faster and faster. Even children's iPad games are just question, answer, question, answer, question, answer over and over again. That's driving up dopamine.But where's the satisfaction? What's the reward? Basically, it's just a light on the screen.Another trick is promising something fundamental. The dopamine system evolved to help us fulfill our basic human needs—water, food, social support, adventure, creation. These are things we needed to survive, so kids are naturally highly motivated to pursue them.These apps promise they'll meet those needs. Social media, for example, promises belonging. It says, “Get on here and you'll finally feel connected. You'll finally feel like you belong.” The problem is that it never actually fulfills that promise.If you look at some of the leaked internal documents, you can see the algorithms intentionally withhold what people actually want. One neuroscientist explained it this way: they figure out what you're looking for and why you're on social media, then they give you something that's close to what you want. Maybe on the next click they give you something a little closer. Then a little closer.This does several things. First, you never actually receive the reward because you never get what you really need. Second, you develop this feeling of making progress—as though you're getting closer and closer. “Maybe one more comment. Maybe five more likes. Then I'll finally get it.”What most people don't realize is that we produce the most dopamine not when we get what we want, or even when we think we're about to get it, but when we feel like we're making progress.That's one of the biggest tricks.Video games are a perfect example. Kids always feel like they're making a little more progress. A little more. A little more. By the time they reach the next level, they're already making progress toward another one.There are all these different tricks designed to crank up wanting while dialing down satisfaction and pleasure because satisfaction is what gets you off the game. You think, “Okay, I'm done.”The same thing applies to social media. If social media actually gave me what I was looking for, I'd be finished. I'd think, “I got what I needed. I'm done.”But it never gives it to you.It can't.Sarah: I started feeling kind of gross about how much time I was spending on Instagram and Facebook—really just on my phone in general. I'd think, “Oh, I need a five-minute break,” and immediately pick up my phone.Actually, I did this before I started reading your book, but now I realize it fits perfectly with what you're talking about. I downloaded the New York Times Games app.Now, when I feel like I need a little break, I'll do Wordle or the Mini Crossword or Connections. What's nice is that it's limited. You get one crossword, one mini crossword, one Wordle, and one Connections each day.I'm almost never on Facebook or Instagram anymore because of it. It actually feels like a real reward. I finish the crossword and think, “Oh, I did the Mini in one minute and 38 seconds.”There's an ending to it. It really does feel like I accomplished something, which is very different.Michaeleen: Exactly. And you've actually stumbled onto one of the biggest tricks: bottomlessness.This is huge.TV didn't used to be bottomless.Michaeleen: TV didn't used to be bottomless. You had a handful of channels, and eventually the content ended or it got bad enough that you simply stopped watching.Now everything is endless. There's always another news story, another level in a game, another post, another video. That endlessness is what keeps us trapped in the cycle.You actually did so many things right with the New York Times Games app. You found something that takes a little more effort, but it also has a clear stopping point. You finish it, and then you're done. You created a bottom.That's exactly what I want to do with my own kids. I want to help them find activities that have a clear purpose and a clear ending. When you're done, you're done, and you turn it off.Compare that with scrolling Instagram for 30 minutes. What's the purpose? What are you actually doing? What are you looking for? There's always more content. It never ends, and it's incredibly fast.I think it's Chapter 4 of the book where I talk about figuring out how to use these technologies—if you're going to use them at all—in ways that don't manipulate you into these loops but instead feel genuinely satisfying.People often ask, “How do you know it's a real reward?” Your brain tells you. You feel better afterward than you did before. You feel done. You feel full. You think, “I'm ready to stop.”If, instead, you're thinking, “What's next? One more. One more,” then you're still stuck in the loop.For a lot of people—for a lot of kids, and certainly for me—that loop is frustrating and deeply unsatisfying. It just makes life feel gray and gloomy.Sarah: I noticed something a while ago. One of my favorite activities in the world is reading, and I realized I can't read if my phone is in the same room with me.When I was reading your book, I thought, “This is something I absolutely love doing, but it doesn't create that same dopamine loop.”Reading doesn't do that.I actually have to keep my phone in another room because reading takes more effort than scrolling Instagram.Michaeleen: Exactly. It takes more work, and that's part of why it's more satisfying.We're made to work. Human beings are actually very good at working, and that effort is part of what creates satisfaction. If something is too easy, it's much easier to get trapped in the wanting loop.Sarah: You also say in the book that, evolutionarily, our brains are designed to look for the easy way out.Back when life was hard, that made perfect sense.But now that everything comes to us so easily, it doesn't make sense anymore.Michaeleen: That's exactly right. These products are exploiting that tendency.Food is probably where you can see it most clearly.Our brains evolved to look for the foods with the most calories per bite. Why would you eat something with fewer calories per bite, especially when food was scarce? That's how we evolved.We also evolved to look for calories that our bodies could use quickly. A refined white-flour cracker gives you calories much faster than a carrot does. You'd have to eat carrots for much longer to get the same energy.Our brains are completely designed to choose the cracker.You'd never touch the carrot. It doesn't make evolutionary sense.That's especially true for kids, who are eating much more instinctively. But honestly, I'd argue that adults have the same problem. If the crackers are sitting there beside the carrots, most adults are going to have a hard time choosing the carrot.Sarah: Tell the story about the strawberries and the veggie straws.Michaeleen: This was when I really understood what was happening.Rosie was about eight years old, and we went to the pool with one of her friends. I packed raw edamame and strawberries. The girls were tired and hungry, and they were happily eating them. They were enjoying them.Then I pulled out a bag of veggie straws—which, by the way, aren't really veggies and aren't really straws. They're basically highly processed potato starch.Sarah: I think it's extruded potato starch.Michaeleen: You're right. Extruded potato starch.The starch is chemically extracted from the potato, so there's really nothing potato-like left except the starch. It's heated at a very high temperature, pushed through machinery, then sprayed with fat or basically fried and covered with salt.If you really look at the research, your body treats it almost like sugar. It practically dissolves in your mouth. There's almost no digestion required. It moves into your gut and into your bloodstream incredibly quickly.So even though the package says “veggie” and even though it says “potato,” what you're really getting are extremely fast calories, much like sugar.The moment I put those veggie straws on the table, those two girls ate the entire bag.One after another.You want to talk about dopamine?“Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again.”They didn't stop until every single veggie straw was gone.And then they completely forgot about the strawberries and the edamame.That was the moment I realized that if any ultra-processed food is available, kids simply won't choose the whole foods.Sarah: You asked Rosie afterward which she actually liked better, and she said, “Oh, the strawberries.”Michaeleen: Exactly. Even though she genuinely likes strawberries better—they taste better—her brain, and all of our brains, are designed to choose the veggie straws because they're such a dense source of fast calories.That realization led me to start doing little experiments. I'd make homemade meals with whole foods, then put one ultra-processed starch on the table—a dinner roll or some corn chips. I'd sit there and watch my husband and Rosie eat all of the ultra-processed food first. Then my husband might eat some of the whole foods, but Rosie wouldn't touch them.It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault. This is simply how our brains are designed. It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective, and the food industry is explicitly taking advantage of that. If you look at the calorie density of ultra-processed foods, it's gone up and up over time. What really surprised me, though, is that it isn't just about sugar. Sugar clearly triggers dopamine—”Do it again. Do it again.” But highly refined potato starch, corn starch, and white flour are just as powerful, and in some studies they're actually more addictive than foods with added sugar.I recently read a study describing almost the exact recipe you mentioned: extruded starch that's fried or sprayed with a little fat and loaded with salt. That combination is incredibly addictive. The moment you see it, you want it, and then you eat it. The dopamine hit actually happens before you eat it. It's, “Oh, I see the bag. I want the bag.” That's the dopamine.Then there's almost no satisfaction or pleasure because satisfaction comes from protein and fiber—and, to a lesser extent, fat. Those are the things that make you feel, “Ah, I've had enough. I'm done.” Ultra-processed foods have stripped away almost everything that creates that feeling of satisfaction. That's what pleasure actually is.I really believe we can learn to tell the difference between wanting and genuine pleasure. Just like you did with the New York Times games, you replaced endless scrolling—which kept you wanting more—with something that actually makes you feel good every day.Sarah: Can you talk a little bit about what you call “magnets” and “cues”?I finished your book last week—it really was a page-turner—and I'm already putting some of your ideas into practice. One of the simplest suggestions was to stop carrying your phone around everywhere. I wore a watch to a baseball game the other night because I didn't want to keep taking out my phone just to check the time.Then this morning I went for a walk with my daughter and left my phone at home. When I got back, I made something to eat and did a couple of other things before I suddenly realized, “Oh—I left my phone upstairs for two hours.”Just the act of not taking it with me on the walk and leaving it in another room made it disappear from my mind. It was amazing.Michaeleen: I love that. That's beautiful.I call phones, video games, iPads, and ultra-processed foods magnets because neuroscientists actually use the term motivational magnets, and that's where I borrowed it from. They work through space, and they create what we call cues.Let's use screens instead of veggie straws. Imagine Rosie comes home every day after school and plays Toca Boca World on the iPad.Sarah: My daughter used to play those hairdressing games—and even vacuuming games. I never understood the appeal until I read your book and realized she was basically getting dopamine-mined.Michaeleen: Exactly. If you look at what keeps young children on those apps, it's the repetition. They're doing essentially the same thing over and over again, which is actually very unsatisfying.At first, what keeps Rosie playing are those little dopamine hits—”Do it again. Do it again.” But over time, something fascinating happens: the dopamine hit moves backward in time. Eventually, just seeing the iPad triggers dopamine. Simply seeing it creates desire and makes her really want it. Dopamine doesn't just make us want things—it motivates us to work to get them.So she sees the iPad, and suddenly she wants it. If it's sitting there, good luck getting her interested in anything else because her brain has already triggered that powerful feeling of, “I need this to survive.” She'll be pulled toward it like a magnet. That's where the term comes from. You don't just want it—you physically move toward it. You want to pick it up. You want to hold it. You want to touch it.Even if it's hidden away in a drawer or a closet, if she knows it's there, those magnets work through walls. She'll go looking for it.Sarah: Have you seen that study where students either had their phone on their desk, in their backpack, or in another room? Just having it in the backpack was almost as distracting as having it sitting on the desk.Michaeleen: That's exactly right, because they know it's accessible. Over time, these cues become so deeply wired into our brains that we don't even have to see the object anymore. We just have to know it's there.What's often triggering the habit isn't even the phone itself—it's an emotion. For example, when I'm writing and I get a little frustrated, that feeling becomes the cue: “Go check the news.” That used to be mine. Then it became, “Go check your email.” Now I've stopped checking the news, so mine has become, “Go check the weather.”Sarah: At least that can only last so long unless you're checking the weather around the world.Michaeleen: Exactly. It's much less sticky.But that's the point. If the phone is in the backpack, the brain knows it's available. These magnets work through walls. They work through bags. To really make those cues disappear, you have to do exactly what you did. You leave it at home. Your brain knows, “I can't get it. I'm not walking all the way back home for it,” so it lets go.As parents, we have to make these things completely disappear within a particular context. That's another really important piece of this: magnets and cues work in contexts.Every day after school is a context for Rosie's brain. Every day after school, in our house, she plays Toca Boca World. So when she walks into the living room at four o'clock, her brain already knows what time it is, even without a watch. Human brains are incredibly good at tracking those patterns.That context triggers dopamine. It triggers the desire for Toca Boca World.What we want to do instead is use that same context to trigger a desire for something that actually fills her up. Maybe after school in the living room becomes the cue for making art, riding her bike, or going outside.That's really what Dopamine Kids is about: using dopamine to get your kids excited about the real world and training their brains accordingly.Sarah: Can I back you up a little bit there? Because one thing you say in your book is that it doesn't work to simply take the screens away and say, “Let them be bored. They'll figure it out.”That's really the only other advice I've seen out there: just take the screens away and let kids be bored.But you did a lot of work to create opportunities for dopamine from other things. You didn't just tell Rosie, “No more Toca Boca World.”Can you talk about that? I think a lot of parents try the approach of saying, “Okay, we're just not doing screens anymore.” Then they end up with weeks—or maybe months—of crying and begging: “Can I just play a little?”Michaeleen: I think that approach can sometimes work with very little kids, but even then I don't think it lasts. These things are like weeds. The screens will come back unless you replace them with something else.Behavioral psychology is actually very clear on this. It's much easier to create a new habit than it is to break an old one. It's much easier to replace a behavior than simply remove it.For example, while I was writing Dopamine Kids, I decided I wanted to stop drinking as much. I had gotten into the habit of having a glass of wine every night, and I realized it just wasn't working for me anymore.I didn't simply take it away. I bought non-alcoholic beer. I replaced it with something.Kids are the same way.If you just take away the iPad—especially if they've been using it for a long time—their brain has come to believe it's something they need to survive. That's what these products have tricked the brain into believing. So when you take it away, it genuinely feels awful.But if you give them another activity that's exciting, interesting, and something they genuinely want to do, taking the screen away doesn't feel nearly as difficult. Over time, you can actually help them discover activities that make them feel even better than the iPad does.That's what creates a permanent habit instead of a temporary one.Behavioral psychology is pretty clear that kids are using these things because they're trying to meet a need.Rosie wasn't obsessed with Toca Boca World or cartoons because she wanted screens. She wanted adventure.Adventure is a fundamental human need for kids. You could also call it autonomy, but I like the word adventure because I think it's easier to understand. Kids need to explore, learn, and take little risks. They need that in order to feel good.I think a lot of kids are using screens to try to fill that need.So instead of simply taking screens away and leaving that need unmet, you have to backfill it.I said to Rosie, “Tonight we're not going to watch Netflix. We're going to take a break. Instead, we're going to do something you've been dying to do that I just haven't made time for yet. You're going to ride your bike to the market by yourself.”I would even say to her, “Instead of watching cartoon characters have adventures, you're going to have a real adventure yourself.”That's the difference.You're taking something that was trying—but ultimately failing—to meet a real human need and replacing it with something that actually does.When you do that, it's not nearly as hard.It goes back to what you mentioned earlier about kids saying they'd rather be with their friends than on screens. That same research also found that kids would rather be outside playing than watching screens. So you're giving them the opportunity to do the thing they actually want to do.That's really the process: figure out a replacement activity—or a replacement food—and then gradually begin taking the old thing away.The result is that your child isn't angry at you all the time. Your relationship is better because they have something wonderful replacing what they lost.More importantly, it creates a lasting habit because they're not simply complying with a rule. They're building a hobby, a skill, or a way of living that genuinely brings them pleasure and meets their needs.One of my biggest concerns with a lot of the screen advice that's out there is that it isn't permanent.Real change comes from making small but permanent changes.It's not, “We're doing a 30-day screen detox.”It's, “We don't use screens after dinner anymore,” or, “We don't use screens on Saturdays.”And that's just how our family does things now.That's how you train the brain.If you keep bringing the old habit back, you undo the learning and go right back to where you started.So I always encourage people to think small—but think permanent.Sarah: One suggestion you make is starting with something simple, like, “We don't do screens in the car.”Michaeleen: Yes.Sarah: I think that's such a great place to start. Your book is full of practical little ideas like that, so the whole thing doesn't feel overwhelming.We've been talking about some of the bigger concepts, but the book is incredibly practical.I'm working on a book myself right now, so I know how much work goes into something like this. I just want to say you did a really beautiful job balancing the theory with concrete things families can actually do.I really, really recommend it.Michaeleen: Thank you.The car is a great place to start because it's such a clear context for a child's brain.They get into the car and their brain thinks, “Screen time.”Instead, you can make the car mean, “Reading time,” or “Journaling time,” or even “Bored time.”It's a really useful place to begin because they're already somewhat contained, so it's easier to establish a new routine.Sarah: I love that.The one thing I want to ask about—and I hope you don't take this as criticism—is that some of what you've done takes a lot of time and energy privilege.Michaeleen: Yes. I think it's very similar to what I found with Hunt, Gather, Parent. There is some work up front, but I also think we dramatically underestimate how much work we're already doing when we rely on screens as babysitters or pacifiers.We tend to think that's the easy route, but even in the short term, I don't think it actually is.Sarah: That's a really good point because the fighting itself takes a lot of energy.Michaeleen: Exactly. That's ultimately what made me change and what made me want to write this book. I was just tired of arguing with Rosie about screens. I hated policing her.It's very similar to what I found with Hunt, Gather, Parent. Recently, one parent gave me some feedback that I actually thought was really insightful. She said, “I think you could have been clearer that having daily screen time—or unlimited screen time—is actually a lot of work.”And she's right.The parent is managing it every single day, moment by moment. There's constant fighting, negotiating, and policing.I'll tell you something else. Once we got ultra-processed foods out of our house, the amount of work I do around food dropped to about one-tenth of what it had been before. We actually spend less money because we're eating less.People don't realize that ultra-processed food makes you eat more. That's very well documented. Kids snack constantly when those foods are around. Rosie now eats two or three real meals a day when she's eating whole foods.So I'm actually doing much less work because those foods aren't in the house.I do agree there's some work at the beginning. Teaching Rosie to ride her bike to the market took time. But now she's 10, and she rides her bike everywhere. She bikes to piano lessons. She bikes all over town.That investment keeps paying dividends.Sarah: That's a really fair point.I had just been telling you before we started recording that, over the years, I've noticed more and more parents coming to coaching specifically because of challenges around screen time.The fights about screens, getting kids off screens—it has become such a common struggle.They just need to read your book and get some strategies.Michaeleen: I'm really just trying to encourage people that if they have that gut feeling—that sense of, “This just isn't working for our family”—it's okay to say no.There is a way to do it that doesn't require an enormous amount of ongoing work.Really, what you're doing is setting up the environment so the default becomes these other activities. You're designing things so you're not constantly policing or managing every moment.That's my biggest pushback against the idea that this approach is more work.It took a lot of work for me to figure all of this out and understand how it works—Sarah: And you did that for us.Michaeleen: Exactly.I also think the court system—and society more broadly—is slowly starting to catch up. The regulations around screen content are so far behind the technology.If you think about it, 20 years ago Rosie wouldn't have been able to walk into a movie like Jaws without a parent. There were very clear rules about what children could and couldn't see.Now I can hand her a device that gives her access to some of the most extreme content imaginable.One scientist told me that a child today can see, in about ten minutes, more pornography than our grandparents' generation would have encountered in an entire lifetime.Something is clearly out of balance.Either society has changed dramatically, or our regulations simply haven't kept pace.When you look at child exploitation, trafficking, and abuse online, it's obvious that regulation is behind.Sarah: Big Tech has so much money and so much influence that I think that's part of why the laws have fallen so far behind.Michaeleen: It absolutely is. But I also think there's this persistent myth that kids need these technologies and that they're doing so much good.One of my hopes for this book—and for the work many other researchers are doing—is that people will begin to understand that kids genuinely need help regulating this stuff.They cannot regulate it on their own.Right now, that entire burden falls on parents, and that's a tremendous amount of work.Sarah: We can't regulate it on our own, and we're grown-ups.Michaeleen: Exactly.When I first started researching this book, I interviewed a famous economist at Stanford—someone in his forties who will probably win a Nobel Prize someday. He spent our entire conversation telling me all the systems he had to build so he wouldn't look at the news while he was working.He had blocked it at the router. He'd blocked it on his computer. He'd blocked it in multiple other ways.I remember sitting there thinking, “If he has to do all of that, how is a thirteen-year-old supposed to do her homework?”That's one of the central messages of the book.This isn't about willpower.It's not about teaching kids to resist temptation through self-control.It's about teaching them to build environments where they aren't constantly tempted in the first place.That's exactly what you described earlier when you left your phone at home.You create spaces in your life where the temptation simply isn't there.That's the key to living a happier, healthier life—not relying on willpower, but learning to avoid unnecessary temptation and building habits that don't require you to fight yourself every day.Ironically, that's what ends up making life much easier.Sarah: That was another really interesting thing you talked about in your book—willpower.Michaeleen: One of the really interesting findings about willpower is that people with fewer bad habits don't actually have more willpower. They've simply arranged their lives so they're exposed to fewer temptations.Sarah: That's right. A great place to start might be something like what you did with food. You talked about not eating food on the go.Michaeleen: Exactly. No food on the go.Sarah: Baby steps.Michaeleen: Right. Or parents will tell me things like, “We don't have ultra-processed foods at breakfast.” Breakfast is actually an easy place to start. You have oatmeal. You have eggs. There are lots of simple whole-food options. So you make that one meal your starting point.That's really the idea. Start with something small.I think the same principle applies to parenting. Parenting actually becomes easier when the temptations simply aren't there. You're not constantly managing them.Sarah: When my kids were growing up—and thankfully they mostly missed all of this because my youngest is 19, so there wasn't Netflix and everything else that's available now—we had a simple family rule: no screens Monday through Thursday.Back then it was television, but they just knew that was how our family worked. If they asked, I'd simply say, “Remember, it's Wednesday. We'll watch TV on the weekend.”It was actually very easy.Michaeleen: Exactly. And that's the dopamine system at work.Their brains know what day of the week it is. We're remarkably good at keeping track of time and routines. They knew they were in your house, after school, and that there wasn't going to be TV.It's like a smoker on an airplane. Eventually the smoker's brain learns, “I'm on a plane. I can't smoke.” The craving relaxes because the brain understands the context.The same thing happens with family routines.In Israel, for example, many families observe a digital Sabbath where they unplug for a full 24 hours every week. Parents tell me their kids love it because they know that's the time they play board games, spend time outside, and do other things together.Their brains learn that weekly rhythm.Our brains naturally work this way, so we can use that tendency to make family life calmer and more peaceful.Honestly, one of my favorite outcomes is that when nine o'clock comes around, my daughter is calm and actually wants to go to bed. Whatever effort it took to establish those habits at the beginning has been completely worth it. It's peaceful now, and hopefully those routines will stay with her for years.Ironically, it was much harder for me to stop scrolling before bed than it was for her.Sarah: Do you think there's any place for moderation?For example, could Rosie ever pick up Toca Boca again and play it for a little while? Or is it more a case of, once it's gone, it's gone?Michaeleen: That's a really good question.I think there are a couple of ways to think about it.The first is simply asking whether a particular technology is worth it. Does Toca Boca actually give us something valuable enough that it's worth the possibility of bringing back arguments and struggles? Or is there something else that gives us the same benefit without those downsides?One of the goals of the book is to help parents start asking that question about technology in general: Is this actually worth it?The second question is whether your child can handle it.I use YouTube for work. I'll watch scientists explaining research, informational videos, or sometimes I'll listen to music. I also know all the tricks YouTube is playing on me, so I can use it pretty intentionally.But Rosie at ten years old?No way.YouTube is far too sophisticated for her to use purposefully.Maybe when she's sixteen, seventeen, or eighteen. Maybe fifteen. I don't know.But I'm not going to intentionally introduce it.If it becomes necessary because of school or something else, then we'll try it and see how she handles it. If she can use it well, maybe we'll continue. If she can't, then we won't.I think a lot of this is really about figuring out what your own child can handle.We don't give children alcohol or tobacco because they can't handle them. We don't give them pornography for the same reason.These technologies have entered our lives so quickly that we're all trying to answer entirely new questions.One of the most important things parents can watch is what happens afterward.How does your child behave? What's their mood like? Is it immediately, “One more. One more. One more”?If that's what's happening, then they're probably not ready for it.Sarah: Right. It's not restorative.This reminds me of a guest I had on the podcast a year or two ago. He was a former video game developer, and the episode was called How to Stop Fighting With Your Kid About Video Games.Sarah: This reminds me of something another guest said on the podcast, and I think it fits perfectly with what you're talking about.He was a former video game developer, and he said something I've never forgotten. He said, “If you're going to let your kids play video games, don't let them play anything that's free.”He said there are lots of amazing games that you actually buy because they're designed with a real story arc, real challenges, and an ending. As I was reading your book, I kept thinking about that because those paid games are designed to give you an actual reward at the end. You complete levels, you build skills, and then you finish.He wasn't talking about buying things inside free games. He meant games that you purchase outright. I remember my husband used to play The Legend of Zelda. It was a game you started and eventually finished.Michaeleen: I love that. There's so much I love about it because the business model is completely different.With free games, the longer you stay on them, the more money the company makes through advertising and in-game purchases. Their entire goal is to keep you there for as long as possible. They're holding the child inside that loop.But with purchased games, they actually want you to finish because then they hope you'll buy another game. It's almost like movies used to be. They wanted you to enjoy the experience, reach the end, and then come back for the next one.You're exactly right—they're designed to end.I think that's really beautiful advice because it highlights how much the business model shapes the experience.Sarah: That's what he said. In the free games, the commodity is your child's attention.Michaeleen: Exactly.Whereas with a purchased game, you're paying for an experience that has a beginning and an end.We've actually done something similar with movies and television. We got rid of all of our subscriptions, and honestly, we've saved a lot of money. Now, if we want to watch a movie, we buy it.We're much more intentional. We stop and ask ourselves, “Do we really want to watch this? Is it worth it?”Then, when the movie ends, we're done.I think that simple change does so much to keep you out of the wanting cycle we talked about earlier. Paying for something slows the whole process down. It makes you think about your choice, and the design itself is completely different. It's designed to leave you feeling satisfied—to let you say, “I finished it.”Sarah: It's an experience. It's an adventure. There's a reward.Michaeleen: Exactly. I love that idea. I wish I'd put it in the book. It's really good. Honestly, I didn't even realize there were that many games designed that way.Sarah: I'll send you his contact if you ever want to talk with him.I could honestly talk to you about this all day.I'm just trying to think if there's anything else I really wanted to ask, but I do want to highlight something for anyone who's still listening.This isn't a moral argument about screens or ultra-processed foods being “bad.” You make that very clear throughout the book.It's really about bringing more joy and fun back into your life because getting trapped in this cycle of wanting without ever feeling rewarded is making all of us kind of miserable.Michaeleen: That's exactly right.The first thing I hope parents take away is that this isn't their fault.This has happened incredibly quickly, and most of us don't even understand what we're up against. These products are intentionally designed by multibillion-dollar companies to capture and hold our children's attention. That's what we're competing with, and for a long time we simply haven't had the right tools.The second thing is that this isn't about taking everything away. That's a fantasy. It's not going to work.It's about figuring out what actually brings joy to you and your family, keeping those things, and letting go of the things that don't.We've also moved beyond the old idea that kids will somehow fall behind or be left out if they don't have all these technologies. There's so much evidence now showing that giving kids a phone or social media doesn't suddenly make them feel accepted or like they belong.In fact, it often does the opposite.So we can let go of that fear.Instead, we can ask, “What actually works for our family?” Then we can build the skills to get there and help our kids gradually adopt these technologies in healthy ways because they're going to be part of their lives.Almost everyone will eventually have a phone. Most kids will eventually use some form of social media, whether that's YouTube, Instagram, or whatever comes next.The question isn't whether they'll ever use it.The question is: When are they ready?And how do we help them use it in a way that still allows them to be productive?For me, that's one of the essential parenting skills of the twenty-first century: helping kids set up their environments—their computers, their workspaces, their routines—so they aren't constantly fighting temptation.Sarah: You also talk specifically about having kids work where a parent can see them because I think that's becoming a huge challenge now that so many students are issued Chromebooks at school.Sarah: You also mention having kids work where a parent can see them, because I think that's becoming a huge challenge now that so many students are issued Chromebooks at school.Everyone I've talked to—and maybe there are exceptions out there—says you can't put parental controls on school-issued devices. Kids need YouTube to watch something for school, and suddenly you've opened the door to all kinds of temptation.Every parent I know whose child has a school-issued Chromebook struggles with it.Michaeleen: Yes, and I think this is an area that's really in flux.From what I'm learning, parents are starting to push back—not only on schools issuing Chromebooks in the first place, but also on not being allowed to set them up in ways that remove things like YouTube. I think parents actually have more power than I realized.Some schools will work with families if parents speak up. You can go to the teacher or the principal and say, “This is what I want for my child's Chromebook. I don't want them to have access to YouTube,” or, “I want these restrictions in place.”Parents have more rights than I think most of us realize.I've talked with parents who are trying to get Chromebooks out of kindergarten through Grade 2 altogether. Others are asking for more limited internet access or different settings during school hours. There's really a whole spectrum of possibilities.I honestly think this is going to be one of the defining parenting issues of the next decade—the school-issued Chromebook, the school-issued iPad.For me, it just makes those screen-free gaps in the day even more important. If your child has spent the day doing schoolwork on a device, then after dinner becomes even more valuable as a screen-free time.You need a break. I need a break. We all need a break.Creating what I call sanctuaries becomes increasingly important as more of school moves onto screens. Kids need opportunities to move their bodies, relax their brains, and experience activities that are genuinely restorative.I also think there are resources available for parents who want more control over that digital space. It does take work, but as parents we sometimes hand over more authority to schools than we actually have to. We have more rights than we often realize.In fact, a lot of this is being challenged legally. There are lawsuits against school districts because some software has been given to children in ways that violate privacy protections and collect data improperly.So I think this whole area is changing, and I'm hopeful we'll eventually reach a place where, even if students are working on computers, they'll have better protections against unnecessary distractions.That's exactly how I work. I turn on an app blocker so I can't wander around the internet while I'm working. Otherwise, I'd be distracted constantly.I have a colleague who says she can't work for more than a couple of minutes before she finds herself checking something online.Sarah: I struggle with that too.It's getting easier the more I practice, but the pull—that feeling of wanting—is incredibly strong.Michaeleen: It really is. It's become a habit, and eventually you're barely even thinking about it.I remember when I first installed an app blocker. It felt so uncomfortable. I kept thinking, “But I want to check this. I want to check that.”Then it faded.It actually faded pretty quickly.Sarah: Thank you so much—not just for being here, but for writing this book. It's really remarkable.Even though I'm past the most active stage of parenting, I keep noticing the ideas from the book working their way into my own life.I have to tell you, the last couple of nights I've made brown rice instead of white rice because of something I read in the book. I love white rice, but I know I need more fiber. Honestly, once you start eating brown rice regularly, you hardly notice the difference.You've gotten me wearing a watch, eating brown rice, and leaving my phone at home when I take the dog for a walk.Michaeleen: I love that.It lets your brain relax because you're not constantly multitasking anymore.I have my watch on too. Rosie and I actually wear the same watch. To me, it's become a little symbol of this more digitally minimalist way of thinking.I was doing exactly the same thing—checking my phone every time I wanted to know the time. Eventually I thought, “Why am I using this little computer just to tell the time?”Sarah: Exactly.Well, thank you so much.Michaeleen: Thank you.Sarah: Before I let you go, I have one question that I ask every guest. It'll be interesting because I can compare your answer to what you said the last time you were on.If you could go back in time to your younger parent self, what advice would you give yourself?Michaeleen: Which age?Sarah: Any age. Go back to brand-new-mom Michaeleen. What would you tell yourself?Michaeleen: I'll give you two answers.For the baby stage, I would tell myself, “Michaeleen, just carry her all the time. Put her in the carrier and carry her. Don't worry so much about putting her down.”She was so happy whenever I carried her, and that's how so many cultures do it. The baby is simply on someone's back or on their front while life goes on. I really wish I'd done more of that because I think it would have made both of our lives much easier.For the older years, I'd tell myself to stop worrying so much that taking away the screens was going to be hard.I built it up in my mind as this enormous thing. I thought, “It's going to be so difficult to take away Netflix at night. It's going to be so difficult to take away Toca Boca.”But it wasn't.It really wasn't.Our lives became so much easier afterward, and I wish I'd been able to see that ahead of time.Sarah: Well, how could you have known?What you were seeing was the outward expression of all that wanting—the crying, the begging, the desperation. It would be so easy to mistake that for, “I'm denying my child something that brings them enormous pleasure.”I think that's an important distinction for parents.Just because your child is crying and screaming that they want something doesn't actually mean that it's bringing them pleasure or that it's good for them.Michaeleen: Exactly.Someone said something to me that I think made it into the book. A child can desperately want to spend another hour playing a video game while actually getting very little pleasure—or no pleasure—from it.That's really where the trick is.That's the hijacking.I also think Lenore's work is right. Kids really do want the offline world.They just have to experience it first.I didn't fully appreciate this before, but you can't really want something until you've experienced the joy of it yourself. Maybe you can see someone else enjoying it, but to actually build that dopamine pathway, you have to get out there and feel it yourself.You have to think, “Oh, this is wonderful. I love this.”Then your brain starts wanting more of that.Sarah: I was thinking about one family I work with. They have five kids, they run their own business, and they're incredibly busy.Their five-year-old son was having constant meltdowns and aggression, so I suggested they start tracking what happened right before those moments.When they came back, they realized that about 90 percent of the incidents were connected to screens. He was trying to get one of his parents' phones. He was trying to grab the remote from his sisters. He wanted the TV turned on or wanted it to stay on.This was actually before I read your book, so I probably could have given them even better advice afterward.But I suggested they experiment with going screen-free for a while and see whether it changed the aggression.The next time I talked to them, the dad told me that, out of pure frustration, he'd picked up the television and put it out in the garage. He basically announced, “No more TV for the rest of the summer.”The following week, the mom started texting me pictures.“Here's the girls sleeping in a fort they built on the trampoline.”“Here's our five-year-old playing with his trucks.”Picture after picture.She said, “I think this is going to be the best summer ever without TV.”Michaeleen: I love that story.I really do.And it's easier.It's easier.All he did was move the TV into the garage.That's amazing.That's exactly the advice I'd give myself.Just do it. Trust your instincts. Do it.Sarah: Do it.Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate you coming back on the podcast.As always, it's been such a pleasure talking with you, and you've written another wonderful book to add to the parenting canon.Michaeleen: Thank you so much for having me. It was truly a pleasure to come back.Sarah: Thanks so much.We'll put links to everything we talked about in the show notes, along with your website. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sarahrosensweet.substack.com/subscribe

Psychologists tell us that too much life change at once can push us into overload, and that can show up in all kinds of emotional and physical ways. We'll explore the wisdom we can find in the Israelites' forty-year journey through the wilderness, a story that shows us how to navigate change with confidence and a real sense of God's presence with us. Because no matter where life takes you, He will be with you.Pursuing God with Gene Appel is designed to help you pursue God, build community, and unleash compassion. Grounded in Scripture and shaped by Eastside's conviction that God's grace is for everyone, each episode invites you to discover God's presence and activity in your life.

If AI can do your work, what are you actually for? That is the question every knowledge worker is starting to feel, and this episode on AI and leadership sits right inside it. Dr. Chris McAlister and co-host Mark dig into the first of three human capacities AI can never replace: imagination. Not wishful thinking, but seeing something in your mind before it is real. That is vision, the necessary function of leadership. Chris tells the story of pulling into his garage in February, watching AI initiate, synthesize, and execute, and sitting with the question the tool forced on him: if it can do this, what am I for? He calls it a haunting moment, and what settled in was a conviction that what a human really does matters more than ever. It is the same gut question a fourth-generation horseshoer faced when the car arrived, or a division-one athlete feels when the knee gives out. Psychologists call it identity foreclosure, and it is coming for everyone who works at a computer. The deeper anchor is a Greek word: Gnosko. Gnosko is experiential knowing, the kind you possess and stand on no matter what the day brings. The other word for knowing is techne. Techne is informational knowing, the manual, the facts, the pattern. AI can techne you, mimic you, pattern-match you across every transcript and recording until it can sound like a great friend. It can never gnosko you. It will never experientially know who you are. That is why imagination stays human. You hold the vision. The tool extends it, imagining a hundred ways forward, but only inside the vision you give it. Chris and Mark name the real danger too. People will outsource the seeing and go to the tool for validation, training it to bolster the very things they feel most threatened about, remaking it in the image of their insecurity. More AI agents are online than people now. AI companion apps have passed dating apps because the machine tells you what you want to hear. The old Babel invitation still stands: do not reach for the bricks to build the tower, reach for God, and lean into a gnosko with him you have never had before. The leaders who answer what am I for from a secure identity are the 3% who walk everyone else into the future that is now. Chapters 0:00 Intro 1:13 If AI can do this, what am I for? 6:50 The paradox: easier work, harder humans 11:58 The first capacity AI can't replace: imagination 23:46 Gnosko vs. techne: knowing vs. knowing about 32:44 AI can mimic you. It can't know you. 39:55 Don't reach for the bricks (the Babel turn) 45:29 Identity foreclosure, and what's next Next episode goes to the second human capacity, discernment, the Greek phronesis. Take the Identity Fear Quotient® (IFQ®), four questions in about 15 minutes, to see the fear that drives how you show up under pressure, and where you might reach for a tool to validate it: www.taketheifq.com Get into the SightShift ecosystem at www.sightshift.com Find the forthcoming book, The 3% Shift: The Human Edge in the Age of AI, at www.threepercentshift.com

What if the secret to a thriving marriage isn't avoiding conflict… but learning to lean into it?In this episode, Sharla and Robert explore NBA superstar Stephen Curry's powerful marriage advice from his recent interview with Michelle Obama: “We don't run away from the tension on the daily.” They unpack why this simple idea is backed by decades of research from John and Julie Gottman, Terry Real, and divorce lawyers — and why so many couples still resist it.You'll learn:Why 69% of relationship problems are perpetual (and why that's actually good news)How the 5:1 positive-to-negative ratio works in real life — and what happens when it doesn't over 5–10 yearsThe compounding effect of small, unaddressed negatives (and how it leads to “falling out of love slowly, then all at once”)Practical ways to reframe tension, use soft startups, get underneath gridlocked issues, and repair quicklyWhether you've been married 5 years or 25, this episode will shift how you see conflict in your relationship.Resources & Links Mentioned:Michelle Obama's IMO Podcast with Stephen & Ayesha Curry (full episode)Medium Article: “Stephen Curry's Best Marriage Advice Is Backed by Psychologists and Divorce Lawyers”John & Julie Gottman – Fight RightTerry Real – Relational Life TherapyOur Repair Mini-Series (previous episodes)Challenge This Week:The next time tension rises, name it gently: “I'm noticing some tension here, and I want us to lean into it together. What's going on for you?” Stay in the conversation, listen openly, and make a repair if needed.Research Opportunity:We're in the early stages of developing a new marriage program and would love your input. If you've ever felt successful in your career but struggled to connect at home, Sharla would love to hear your story. This is purely for research — no sales pitch. Schedule a quick interview hereCall to Action:If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who needs to hear it. Leave us a rating and review on Apple Podcasts — it helps other couples find the show. And be sure to subscribe so you never miss an episode.Until next time — choose each other, even in the tension.

Today we discuss the role of psychology in integrated primary care settings with Dr. Daniel Mullin. Show notes are available at www.NavNeuro.com/193 _________________ If you'd like to support the show, here are a few easy ways: 1) Get CE credits for listening to select episodes: www.NavNeuro.com/INS (for step-by-step guidance, go to: www.NavNeuro.com/CEguide) 2) Subscribe (free) and leave an Apple Podcasts rating/review: www.NavNeuro.com/itunes 3) Check out our book Becoming a Neuropsychologist, and leave it an Amazon rating   Thanks for listening, and join us next time as we continue to navigate the brain and behavior! [Note: This podcast and all linked content is intended for general educational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of psychology or any other professional healthcare advice and services. No professional relationship is formed between hosts and listeners. All content is to be used at listeners' own risk. Users should always seek appropriate medical and psychological care from their licensed healthcare provider.]

Prager University- Black Fathers Matter, Are Fathers Necessary? John Stossel- Watt's the Problem with Data Centers? Steve Forbes- The Case for Capitalism   Prager University- Black Fathers Matter | 5 Minute Video Are Fathers Necessary? | 5 Minute Videos | PragerU John Stossel- Watt's the Problem with Data Centers? The Truth About Energy Use, Costs, and the Panic Over Progress The Case for Capitalism: Steve Forbes Explains Why Free Markets Work and Socialism Doesn't A Few Moments With Ted Turner   Black Fathers Matter | 5 Minute Video Watch this video at- https://youtu.be/FszQelEQ2KY?si=LHIRgWs9K_RX8eON PragerU 3.45M subscribers 4,212,596 views Jun 13, 2016 5-Minute Videos Which poses a bigger threat to black communities: Racism? Or the absence of fathers? Drawing on a sea of official data and his own upbringing, talk-show host Larry Elder shows just how important black fathers are in turning boys into responsible and happy men--and how their absence has had a tragic impact on millions of black Americans.  Donate today to PragerU! http://l.prageru.com/2ylo1Yt Joining PragerU is free! Sign up now to get all our videos as soon as they're released. http://prageru.com/signup Download Pragerpedia on your iPhone or Android! Thousands of sources and facts at your fingertips. iPhone: http://l.prageru.com/2dlsnbG Android: http://l.prageru.com/2dlsS5e Join Prager United to get new swag every quarter, exclusive early access to our videos, and an annual TownHall phone call with Dennis Prager! http://l.prageru.com/2c9n6ys Join PragerU's text list to have these videos, free merchandise giveaways and breaking announcements sent directly to your phone! https://optin.mobiniti.com/prageru Do you shop on Amazon? Click https://smile.amazon.com and a percentage of every Amazon purchase will be donated to PragerU. Same great products. Same low price. Shopping made meaningful. VISIT PragerU! https://www.prageru.com FOLLOW us! Facebook:   / prageru   Twitter:   / prageru   Instagram:   / prageru   PragerU is on Snapchat! JOIN PragerFORCE! For Students: http://l.prageru.com/29SgPaX JOIN our Educators Network! http://l.prageru.com/2c8vsff Script: Years ago, I interviewed Kweisi Mfume, then the president of the NAACP. “As between the presence of white racism and the absence of black fathers,” I asked, “Which poses the bigger threat to the black community?” Without missing a beat, he said, “The absence of black fathers.” It was President Barack Obama who said, "We all know the statistics. That children who grow up without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime; nine times more likely to drop out of school and 20 times more likely to end up in prison.” The Journal of Research on Adolescence confirms that even after controlling for varying levels of household income, kids in father-absent homes are more likely to end up in jail. And kids who never had a father in the house are the most likely to wind up behind bars. In 1960, 5 percent of America's children entered the world without a mother and father married to each other. By 1980 it was 18 percent, by 2000 it had risen to 33 percent, and fifteen years later, the number reached 41 percent. For blacks, even during slavery when marriage for slaves was illegal, black children were more likely than today to be raised by both their mother and father. Economist Walter Williams has written that, according to census data, from 1890 to 1940, a black child was more likely to grow up with married parents than a white child. For blacks, out-of-wedlock births have gone from 25 percent in 1965 to 73 percent in 2015. For whites, from less than 5 percent to over 25 percent. And for Hispanics, out-of-wedlock births have risen to 53 percent. What happened to fathers? The answer is found in a basic law of economics: If you subsidize undesirable behavior you will get more undesirable behavior. In 1949, the nation's poverty rate was 34 percent. By 1965, it was cut in half, to 17 percent -- all before President Lyndon Johnson's so-called War on Poverty. But after that war began in 1965, poverty began to flat line. From 1965 until now, the government has spent over $20 trillion to fight poverty. The poverty rate has remained unchanged, but the relationship between poor men and women has changed – dramatically. That's because our generous welfare system allows women, in effect, to marry the government. And this makes it all too easy for men to abandon their traditional moral and financial responsibilities. Psychologists call such dependency "learned helplessness." How do we know that the welfare state creates disincentives that hurt the very people we are trying to help? They tell us. In 1985, the Los Angeles Times asked both the poor and the non-poor whether poor women "often" have children to get additional benefits. Most of the non-poor respondents said no. However, 64 percent of poor respondents said yes. Now, who do you think is in a better position to know? Tupac Shakur, the late rapper, once said: "I know for a fact that had I had a father, I'd have some discipline. I'd have more confidence." He admitted he began running with gangs because he wanted the things a father gives to a child, especially to a boy: structure and protection. “Your mother cannot calm you down the way a man can,” Shakur said. “You need a man to teach you how to be a man."   Are Fathers Necessary? | 5 Minute Videos | PragerU https://youtu.be/daS69gf0Tzc?si=UJ0grFAG2chSNjuM PragerU 3.45M subscribers 3,752,405 views Premiered Jun 7, 2021 5-Minute Videos Until recently, the need to explain why fathers are necessary would have been regarded as, well, unnecessary. But that's not the case anymore. Dennis Prager explains why this isn't just concerning—it's dangerous. Follow PragerU: Instagram: