Motherhood Later in Life: Celebrating Our Joy!

This last year has been an interesting journey. I learned a lot about myself and I'm grateful to everyone who shared my journey with me. But I now find myself struggling between my family's needs and my endeavors. And if you've been listening to the podcasts or watching the vlogs for a while, you'd know that my family will always come first. So sadly, Older Moms' journey must come to an end.

After getting our child diagnosed with ADHD, the experts didn't really provide any directions for us. We find the support we expected from the school system, the community, or our pediatrician. Getting the resources to meet my child's needs was very difficult, so we learned to advocate for her. And the challenges didn't get easier with time—they were just different with time. But in spite of all these, I can't picture my life without my ADHD, OCD, Tourette's superhero!

The social component can be absolute hell for a child with an invisible condition or disability. People can be so cruel and unkind when they don't see another person's challenges. The key to helping your child find a space in society is to find an accepting social circle. Be with people who will be tolerant and accepting of their challenges and will appreciate their great qualities!

There's a lot of criticism on the issue of whether or not to medicate a child with ADHD making a challenging situation even more difficult. ADHD is different for every child, so it's not just a matter of finding the right medication—but also the right dose for your child. Over time, we learned that a combination of minimal medication and behavioral therapy worked for us.

We knew that Andy was probably going to have ADHD since the day she was in the NICU, but we were told was that children could not be diagnosed with ADHD until they turned six. When we were finally able to have her tested, it took three days for specialists to confirm what we knew all along—my child had ADHD.

The main focus of my middle years is to continue to have a purpose in my life: make some changes in my habits, enjoy my age without fear of the future, and continue to find a way to contribute to my community. I'm giving myself permission to be me. I really want to be present. Often, we don't take the time to breathe in and enjoy the moment. Yes, we live the moment. Yes, we participate in it. But we don't take a moment to savor it. And I plan on doing that. That's what I call successful aging.

I recently discovered that several people on my father's side of the family suffer from dementia, so I'm preparing for the possibility that I may develop dementia or Alzheimer's. I'm doing research to better understand dementia, applying for long-term care insurance coverage, and researching how I can remain healthier longer. I'm handling this possibility with optimistic realism.

I recently found out that my grandmother developed dementia. While she was not aware of the familial connection, I have the advantage of knowing that it's a possibility for me. This awareness means I could change my habits and change the outcome. I need to take care of myself to meet some of my grandchildren and make memories with them.

A lot of women suffer from gerascophobia—the fear of aging. I've realized that I'm not afraid of aging, but I do want to age successfully. So what do I want in this aging process? I want to be around for my children; to reconnect with my husband; to travel. I want the opportunity to be a grandmother. I'm looking forward to having my grandchildren sitting in my lap, counting my wrinkles. There's been so many challenges in my fifty-five years, so much joy. I'm grateful for every day I've lived.

I really found being a preemie mom to be a very isolating experience. People expected me to act like everything was "normal," even when facing so many challenges. While we eventually adjusted to our preemie reality, I wish someone had told me sooner to be patient with myself, my husband, and my family. So if you're new to the preemie game, allow others to help you. At the very least, you'll know somebody is going through this with you.

Acid reflux pushed me out of my comfort zone early in my parenting experience, forcing me to learn to be my children's advocate. If I hadn't faced this challenge so early on, I would probably be a different parent. I realized that I could be a lot stronger than I thought I could ever be. More importantly, I learned that I could do things for my children that I was too weak to do for myself. In doing so, I learned to advocate for myself as well!

When I was pregnant with my twin girls, I really looked forward to nursing them. But breastfeeding is hard, and with preemies are more challenging. I had also had to deal with traveling for my job, pumping in between, almost total lack of sleep, and unsupportive relatives. It can be a daunting task!

I remember being quite nervous when I was told it was time for me to bring one of my preemies home because a preemie is different, right? I had a lot of questions and insecurities. Having been through this challenge, I know a few things to shore up your confidence and help you enjoy your preemie experience. I promise that it does get easier!

I apologized for everything because I grew up believing it was part of a woman's job. Over time, I realized this was not the case. I promised myself that I would teach my children that it's our ability to understand when we should and shouldn't apologize that makes us strong and independent. Here are seven times I believe we should never apologize!

Adolescence is a time of exploration. I accept that it's healthy for my kids to constantly label themselves, including changing gender labels. Every time they introduce a new label to me, I see them exploring the world. As parents, the most important thing is to help our kids identify their strengths by choosing activities to help them develop into good, confident people.

One of my daughters recently asked me if I was pro-choice or pro-life. Talk about a loaded question! I didn't want to just give myself a label. Instead, I took the time to explain to her how my decision evolved. It was important for my daughter to understand that my choice had required knowledge, time, and maturity. I did not arrive at my choice lightly.

Ever heard of a first moon party? It's a party you can throw a girl when she gets her first period. But lots of moms get carried away with the idea. They throw a party whether the girls want it or not! Yes, we want our daughters to feel proud of their transition to womanhood. But we need to remember that while this might be an exciting time for them, it's also a time of trepidation and adjustment. We need to support them as they make that transition and accept their decision whether to celebrate it or not.

When my daughter asked me if I was a feminist, I had to think about what definition. If we define feminism in its broadest term, then yes, I am a feminist. I believe that men and women should be equal. We should work together for the benefit of our families, our society, of our world. I think it's wonderful that we see more women in positions of authority. It shows our girls that this kind of success is possible for women and influences these young women's paths.

I monitor my kids' social media, and I don't give a crap about what other people think. I want to make sure that they are not being cyberbullied and not being stalked by predators. They're pretty good at self-monitoring and have definitely gotten better with age. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop monitoring them because kids at this age can make dumb decisions. Dumb mistakes I want to help them with, not punish. Privacy in our home is not assumed. It's earned when we show that we have matured and capable of making better choices.

What is Love and Logic? It's an approach that allows children to make decisions, affordable mistakes, and experience natural consequences. It uses humor, hope, and empathy to build and strengthen the adult-child relationship. It may sound too good to be true, but all it really works! As I enter the teen years, I find myself returning to those early lessons. It's never too late to help your child find freedom in self-discipline!

When Andy started hurting her sister, my husband and I found ourselves discussing spanking. As a child of an abusive father, I didn't want to physically harm my child. What would I be teaching her if I hit her after she hit someone? That discipline meant freedom? Or that it meant terror? It took one instance of spanking her to set me on a completely different path—one that was better for our family, for my children, for me as a parent, and as an individual.

What do we really mean by the word discipline? If you listen to the word, "discipline" comes from the root word "disciple." It means somebody who learns or somebody who's guided. As parents, that means it's our job to teach and guide our children in a positive way. I want my children to reflect and grow from their mistakes, not to be terrified by them because we all make mistakes. Mistakes are good. It's how we learn and grow. I want my children to learn to understand that discipline equals freedom.

Why is it that with all the abuse I suffered at my father's hands, I could love him and forgive him? Yet I could not forgive my mother for her lack of protection? I expected unconditional love from her, but she never gave it to me. I finally forgave her after I realized I wasn't being fair to her. I accepted that though the love that she gave me was not enough for me, she gave me everything she was capable of giving.

Two of the most important women who influenced my mothering ability were my paternal grandmother, Ava, and my maternal grandmother, Jane. My grandmother Ava taught me to over-love my children—to express affection, to hug, to love them all of the time. Grandmother Jane taught me to do the things that needed to be done first and to never back away from doing a hard thing in life. These women had a tremendous impact on how I would develop my mothering definition.

My mothering motto is inspired by the poem "On Children" by Kahlil Gibran. It basically sums up why we, as parents, shouldn't live our dreams through our children. Our dreams can become prisons for our children. Instead, we need to focus on helping them be the best version of themselves that they can be, whatever path they might choose.

What is the perfect mom? I struggled with the idea for years. It was a meaning that developed over time as I entered new stages in my life. Ultimately it was the challenges that I face with my children that helped me understand what it took to be the perfect mom! The perfect mom never says, "It's impossible," "It's too hard," or "I give up." She loves her children. Ultimately, the perfect mom tries every day to be a good mom.

The wandering child—the child that takes off unexpectedly to explore territories unknown! I became paranoid after experiencing that minor heart attack on a shopping trip with Emmi. Yes, we are responsible for our kids. It's a hard balance between the extremes of wanting to keep them next to you all the time and give them a little freedom. So do what makes you feel comfortable to keep your kiddos safe. Don't listen to other people's criticisms. You are the parent and know what's best for your child!

During the toddler years, my twins were super picky eaters! Their acid reflux was of no help. I had to get really creative to get them to eat. We tried many solutions, but things usually backfired because they would get severe acid reflux. Traveling was also challenging since they couldn't eat just anything! How did I make this work? With a little bit of patience and a lot of love.

My least favorite thing about the toddler years was potty training my kids. At the start, I turned to books for answers. When that didn't work, I tried asking girlfriends who didn't really remember much about potty training. I even asked my mother's advice. Disastrous! While it was so easy for Emmi, Andy refused to be potty trained. Turns out she was capable but just didn't want to! We had to get really creative to motivate her.

When my kids were still babies, I wanted them so much to walk as soon as possible! But when Emmi started crawling, I thought that I might've wished for it too quickly. I found out the hard way that they're going to fall and get bruises! It was scary how much they bruise that age. I was paranoid someone would call CPS on us. We parent paranoia! We quickly learn to help them avoid bumps and bruises by keeping our home as toddler-safe as we could.

During the toddler years, doctors in the NICU told us to expect developmental delays with the twins because they were preemies. Later, we found out that Andy's speech delay was very common among preemies. The limited resources in our areas created a serious challenge. I also had to learn to advocate for my child because I knew that whatever challenge any of my kids might have, we would prevail if we worked on it as a family.

The "teen contract," for us, defines the expectations that we have for our kids, their responsibilities, and the positive and negative consequences of the actions they take. It helps them understand that they get more responsibility as they get more freedom. And that is the key: BALANCE. It helps us in the transition of power and we get to step back and relax a bit as they get more power. After all, our goal is to help them become self-sufficient adults who can create happy lives for themselves.

My daughter wanted to know if adulting ever gets any easier. And the answer is, "No." But being a self-sufficient, responsible person always leads to more freedom and happiness. We have to understand, though, that with more freedom also comes more responsibility. We have to be willing to accept our mistakes and learn from those mistakes.

It's easy to get trapped by our kids' inflated opinion of themselves. In their naivete, they ask for equality. But what they really want is freedom. They don't understand that with freedom comes responsibility, and they're not ready for ADULT responsibility! They can't contribute equally to the burdens and challenges that a family entails. So no, they are not our equals! My husband and I remain the captain of S. S. Family!

I found out that I had done my parenting job way too well when my husband and I went back to the Caribbean. My kids were totally okay without me. I'm failing Adulting for Older Moms! I'm not okay with how well they're doing! I felt hurt, abandoned, and miserable. Talk about childhood baggage on my part, but knowing I have that baggage allows me to rein in my feelings and be a good mom. Mother like a woman who wants to have a good relationship with her children when they become adults!

When my husband and I went back to our Caribbean home without the kids, I realized this was an opportunity to reconnect with him. Sitting by the pool with him while watching the sunset made me go back to the beginning of our relationship. I realized how perfect he was and is for me. After sixteen years of ups and downs, I looked at him, and I thought I could really be happy with this man for the rest of my life.

This is our sixteenth year of marriage, my husband and I. And some days, some months, some weeks, it seems like we're just going through motions, and I wonder... Don't we love each other anymore? But it's ridiculous! I do know that we love each other. I suppose that all marriages go through some blah periods, but we do love each other. I can't imagine my life without him.

When I was a teen, I always asked my grandmother, "How do you know when you meet the one?" Her answer was always, "You'll know when it happens." She was right! I fell in love with Michael at first sight and allowed that feeling to flourish and overcome many unexpected challenges. Sixteen years later, I still can't believe we got married after knowing each other only six months! Ain't love grand?

I didn't think it was a big deal when my child was diagnosed with ADHD. I was blissfully ignorant of the challenges laid before use. But, I learned a lot when my child was diagnosed with ADHD. Not just about the disease, but also how to advocate my ADHD superhero and all of my children! It has taught me immensurate patience, unconditional love, flexibility, and adaptability at a whole new level. It has helped me to be a better mom.

Do you ever hear anyone criticize an older dad? No, you don't! It's absolute bullshit to then criticize an older mom. Why do we still do this to one another? Why can't we respect each other's journeys? Some women have even told me I should have made better choices. But sometimes, it wasn't a choice! It was a situation that was out of our control. As women, we should support each other and our choices, and we should know we all have to travel our own journey. Don't give others permission to judge you or question your choices. You're perfect the way you are, and your choices are perfect in their own way.

I recently got slapped and got slapped hard! Why? Because when asked why I work so hard, I said I wanted to pay for my kiddos' college education. The person assumed incorrectly that my children felt entitled to this promise. She didn't realize that I work and work hard because it is what I want to do for my kids. I don't want them to have to work while they are in school. I don't want them to get crippling student loans. It is my choice to invest in a solid foundation for their future! And the future of my hypothetical grandchildren!

My husband's dream house is a ginormous monstrosity in the Caribbean. A place where our family connections weakened in the square footage and junk we collected. In all honesty, I hate it. Though I always tried to like it for his sake. When the pandemic happened, we moved to our small condo in Florida. Since the move, we are more connected, have more heartfelt conversations, and have stronger familial bonds became. We are going, tiny mamas! It's my turn to have my dream home!

My biggest challenge was and still is not the pandemic. It was that my girls became teenagers. Yes, things have changed! I have to remind myself that even if they look more like adults, they are not adults! So hard to remember! They behave as though every decision they make is final, so they often feel overwhelmed. And they act out! On top of all this, I also have to help my husband not lose his mind. I continuously remind myself this is temporary. One day the teen years will be over!

Since the New Year is around the corner, I'm going to talk about changes. This year, I have to decide (again) whether or not we'll home school the following year; I'm fighting my husband about returning to our home in the Caribbean; the girls will be turning fourteen, and it feels like it's the beginning of them leaving our home behind. There are so many possibilities. I don't feel scared, but I feel a little overwhelmed.

I'm fifty-four years old, and I believe in Santa Claus! Why? Because I believe in the goodness of humanity. I really believe that Santa represents the best of humanity -- hope and kindness. I'm glad that I have fostered my children's belief in Santa Claus. Because, by extension, I am reinforcing their ability to hope, be kind, and receive kindness.

I'm fifty-four years old, and I believe in Santa Claus! Why? Because I believe in the goodness of humanity. And I really believe that Santa represents the best of humanity, be it a meal, a much-needed hug, a new toy, a used toy, a kind word. Santa is the best that humanity has to give to one another, hope and kindness. I believe that by helping my children believe in magic, I help Santa keep that magic alive, hope, and kindness, not only during Christmas time but throughout the year.

November 21st is a special day because that's when the elves on the shelf come home. This year, the elves didn't check-in during the year. I tried to bribe them to visit us early, but they wouldn't be bribed! I miss their visits. They bring the magic of childhood—magic so strong that it goes back and brings out the best in my own childhood memories. The elves represent hope—of better behavior, overcoming challenges, a glimpse into a future with grandchildren.

I took thanksgiving for granted, thinking that there would always be another in which I would enjoy my family and friends. Then the pandemic hit, making sure I will never take this special holiday for granted ever again! I am so grateful for my friends and family that we have not lost any of them in the pandemic despite several becoming very ill. I'm grateful for my husband and children. I'm thankful that despite all the challenges we have faced this year, I can still recognize that I have a lot to be grateful for.

As parents, we have this idea that our children should be perfect. But do we really expect perfection? It's healthy not to always be perfect. Nothing's wrong with stepping back and saying that something is not just for us. We all go through phases in our lives, especially our kids—lying, unpleasant habits, slacking—these are things that we need to experience. It's normal. I just hope that through their phases and experiences, my kids learn to be the best versions of themselves that they can be.

It takes too much effort to be perfect. But in reality, we, as human beings and as moms, cannot be perfect. So let's try instead to be great moms. We have to accept that we will never have all the answers, and our kids should know that. They should know that we, too, make mistakes but are willing to learn from them and that we'll exert every effort to make them the very best version of themselves that they could possibly be.

I'm struggling with whether or not we should celebrate the Day of the Dead this year. Somehow, it just feels wrong in a year when the world feels like it's falling around us. But at the same time, it seems wrong not to do it at a point where my daughter is exploring her Mexican heritage. After all, the Day of the Dead is a celebration of life, human resilience over tragedy, and a celebration of culture.