Lousy San Francisco Podcast Season 3.1 - SKMorton.com

SK and Pete have been doing this for a while now. And by "this" we mean goofing off, yelling over each other, and wandering through irrelevant tangents. But this week that all changed. This week we concentrated on just annoying our guest.She is a comedian, an actress, a writer as well as published author (Because anybody can write, but only an author can wear patches on their blazer elbows), and as if all that weren't enough [of a cry for approval], she also appeased her parents by mastering the tech industry as some sort of transponster or something with Yahoo and Google.Here in the Bomb Shelter, we recognized her many talents by: 1) Editing her 3 hour interview down to about 45 minutes. 2) Luring her into betraying her true feelings about fish dismemberment. 3) Inciting her to abandon her husband's name. 4) Urging her to appropriate her own Jamaican culture. 5) Highlighting her gifts of song and harmony. 6) Uncovering the truth - that she 'don't know nuthin' about birthin' no babies. 7) Outing her as the mastermind behind Flash Ads and her 4th grade teacher for worse than flashing. 8) Arguing about Georgia Tech's mascot. 9) Interrogating her about how often she wears pajamas in public. 10) Deciding that she's most funny when all parties are tipsy.Ladies and gentlemen...please welcome a very funny lady...Sarah Cooper!

You can tell a show is on its way out when the focus and enthusiasm of its participants begins to wane...and they add a new kid to the cast... or Ted McGinley. We couldn't afford McGinley so ladies and gentlemen: Mr. Conway Twitty.To be fair, SK and Pete can hardly be blamed for their low energy performance. Pete is becoming increasingly more busy with his musical career (Including his new album) and SK doesn't know any more things. This is evidenced by the updates this week which focused more on SK's jacket, his eating off of the desk, and his inability to keep up with his editing duties than it did the problems with the SF Municipal Transportation Agency. But hey, this one got posted...four months late and on a Wednesday.Ultimately the two did get around to the night's theme of Land's End. They discussed Ocean Beach, the Outside Lands and Carville, the Cliff House and the baths of both Sutro as well as Lurline. SK gave his interpretation of facts when it came to Playland-at-the-Beach, It's Its, the Norwegian Gjoa, the SkyTram, Murre eggs at the Farallones Islands, Naiad Cove, Mile Rock, Seal Rock, Flag Rock, Kevin Hart and The Rock, O'neill wetsuits and [appropriately] jumping sharks.To top it all off and sum it up: We talked about the Lyman Stewart, Frank Buck, Ohioan, SS Coos Bay, Rio De Jinero, Parallel and Yosemite stories....it was a ship wreck.

Gather 'round kids and I'll tell you a story about how, in the olden days, people worked their whole life at one place and still found fulfillment ...even without collaboration, or diverse strategies, or company furnished lattes.It all happened way back in 1976 when a young Tom Sweeney, fresh out of Riordan High School leveraged his mother's affiliation with the movers and shakers of the time to secure for himself, not one but, two coveted and lucrative positions.The first was a vending job at both Candlestick Park and the Oakland Colosseum. Here he learned a strong work ethic, flirted with players' wives, and cleaned up selling souvenirs during the '89 World Series and Earthquake.But the real fun came when he became a doorman at the Drake Hotel in Union Square. He started his career by nabbing two would-be robbers, receiving the City's first, "Nick of Time' award, palling around with Joe Montana and Dwight Clark, and capping it off by saving a drowning woman while on holiday in Acapulco. Along the way he had encounters with Tom Hanks, Sam Elliott, and Tony Blair, while appearing on the Young & the Restless, serving as inspiration for the Drake's Sweeney-tini, and having May 2nd declared Tom Sweeney Day.Of course it's all to be expected from a 3rd generation San Franciscan who enjoys the occasional SF themed podcast that covers topics from the shuttering of SFist to the increase of mountain lion sightings in the city to the retirement of Michael Tilson Thomas.And of course, that podcast is none other than, Peanut Butter Oreo, with Pete & Babette.

It's bigger. It's badder. And this time it may be inoperable. If you enjoyed, or even heard of, the first episode of StealthCat, get ready to be underwhelmed. This week, he's back with new enemies and new [let's call them] allies.When we last left our hero, Henry Stealthcat was back in town to take on his nemesis, the Loan Shark. This time we are introduced to some new heroes such as Superintendent, The Parker, and The Black Guy. They'll team up to, not only take on the Loan Shark and his crew but, a new player is set to take on the forces of good enough, The Pill.Along the way we, alternately, learn about/are bored to death by stories of, the upgrading of Van Ness avenue for public transportation, the House of Prime Rib's secret menu, and the coin cleaning process at the St. Francis Hotel in Union Square.Every legend has a beginning, every hero has a birth, and every episode of StealthCat has an incoherent plot, undeveloped characters, and desperate attempts to be funny...with great fanfare, comes great lousy.

We don't have to tell you the podcast is bad. Everybody knows the podcast is bad. It's depressing. Everybody's either sick of the act or scared that they might like it.The dollar buys a membership on Patreon, transit companies like Chariot and BART are getting busted, Itditarod dogs are juicing, coyotes are running wild in the street and we sit and listen to our Itunes while some local podcaster tells us that there's only one California quail left in the City, as if that's the way it's supposed to be, and there's nobody anywhere who knows what to do and there's no end to it.We know this show is bad - worse than bad. It's gimmicky. We almost ruined a dream of an opportunity when, Bay Area Radio Hall of Fame inductee, Peter Finch joined us. He told us of his history in radio both in SF and in Colorado, interviewing the likes of Micky Dolenz, Charo, Weird Al, Andy Dick, Tammy Fay Baker, Grace Slick, Yoko Ono, and President Obama, and we just sat there as our own Lousy San Francisco podcast and , what passed for, our talent got smaller compared to his Finch Files, and all we said was, "Please. Leave us alone in our Bomb Shelter. Let us have our pop tarts and our Arizona grape and our steel belted radials and we won't say any more. Just leave us alone."Well we're not going to leave you alone. We don't want you to protest. We don't want you to riot or write your congressman because Finch also has things to say about the Thunderbird Theater Company with his two playwright credits - Aaah Rosebud & Aaron Trotter and the Incident at Bikini Beach - and, most importantly, the Square Peg Foundation and the Square Peg Ranch Horse Reserve Adaptive Riding Center. All we know is that first you've got to get lousy. You've got to say, "I'm a Throng member, my life has value!"So we want you to get up now, out of your chairs, go to the window, open it, stick your head out and yell: "I'm lousy as hell, and I'm not gonna take this anymore!"

As I look out my window on a beautiful spring morning (I can tell it's spring because the birds and bees are acting like they're not interested when I know they're totally into me) I am reminded of that April I spent watching Rick Steves tell me about England. Wonder no more, says I, as SK is inspired to talk like an aged Liverpool urchin. This week, in the Bomb Shelter, we are graced with none other than the real Tony Quarrington. Author, SF historian, tour guide, Dead head, bon vivant, and retired public employee (That's how he can afford to be a bon vivant), Tony fills us in on his special San Francisco hide outs and his Fabulous Folkestone Walking Tour. Along the way we discuss tea rationing (a cause to celebrate), Illuminate the Arts (again), Friedel Klussmann (yes, that Friedel Klussmann), Martha's Coffee (to say nothing of her borscht), Mel Gibson's anti-angloism (Mel Gibson is: Shaka Zulu!), his book, A Half Forgotten Triumph (that's the title not a commentary) and of course Tony relates stories about his beloved adopted hometowns of San Francisco and Folkestone. So have an earwig and get chuffed.

It was cold. It was dark. It was just another night in the City. I was straightening things up in the Bomb Shelter when they walked in. Just my luck. This dame and her man had been escorted into the building by Pete personally. Introductions were in order. They were Paul & Melissa Holman-Kursky. The hyphen, I figured, was on loan from their place of employment: The Un-scripted theater company. She had the manner of a Dickensian urchin and he was a dead ringer for Ben Savage. We could have jumped right in to get to know each other but I had bigger problems. Not only were the reviews for my Lousy Walking Tour less than helpful, but animals were dying. Siku the walrus drank herself to death and leopard sharks were loosing their minds..Poor saps. If it weren't for the good news that we could now stream movies from the SF library I might have hit the bricks right there and then. Or maybe I'd take a Chariot. I'd heard good things. The conversation had been moving at a decent clip but I could tell my guests were getting worn down. There weren't enough cups of mud in the city to keep up this pace and we hadn't even gotten to the latest round of "Stump SK". We ended with a hasty discussion of their favorite hash houses and gin joints in their hood. I chose to believe them.

It's been said that tragedy+time=comedy. But, after further review, it's been discovered that tragedy divided by the square root of callous indifference, multiplied by commiseration, plus time is the true formula. (Also something about A²+B² or something or other) Our guest this week was local comedian, musician, tour guide, pig farmer, history buff, and mother, Samantha Gilweit. Hopefully that's all you need to know because SK never actually got around to asking her about these things. That's not to say that we can glean nothing else about her from this episode. We know she'd be willing to curate at the Paul Newman spit museum. We know she loves Bulls and Moose as long as they party with Teddy Roosevelt. We know she prefers to picnic with Honda. And we know she's not a fan of apple sauce. But most importantly, we know her ties to, and love of, Sonoma County compelled her to do something when the fires hit the wine country this last November. We talked about her spear-heading of relief efforts among the comedy community as well as possible causes of the fires and even some happy stories about animal survival. Of course Babette, as fill-in cohost, made clear her position on Yurts, while SK seemed to be most interested in presidential knife fights. So adding it all up, Samantha made this week's episode greater than the sum of its parts.

SK often laments the appropriateness of that titular description of his little hobby that emanates from the Bomb Shelter. Despite Pete's protests, he's sure the podcast's end is imminent. In fact he predicts that there are no more than 14 shows left. This week, the very foundation of the Lousy Podcast is examined & most likely undermined. We re-examine the prudence of racist jokes, droning diatribes, conflict for entertainment, and the value of "uh's". As if a slap dashed version of Hannity & Colmes weren't off putting enough, we then go on a 15 minute (That's right - a quarter of an hour) description and editorial about the Northern California wild fires. Complete with insensitivity from SK and nonsensitivity from Pete. We itemize the destruction and wrap it up with a pointed anecdote about Babette's Victorianism. And for the final blow, we talk about local development and the kind of political chicanery that leads to ill advised insults of public figures. As a special treat, SK's delay in editing over the last month or so results in an ill-timed joke about a public servant who is no longer with us. On the bright side there's a survey!

Pursuant to the provisions of the Lousy Podcast outline, of which, this week, there was none, the Throng is hereby given notice to adjust their expectations of enjoyment or face severe disappointment. With no preparation this week, SK doesn't even greet the adoring Throng until 7 minutes into the show as it takes a back seat to Pete's story of his back seat "sound healer". Then, after a discussion of the dreaminess of Chris Pratt, Pete announces his intentions to host his own podcast complete with tired rantings, nonsense, and infrastructures of humanity (Also without preparation). Liberated from direction and logic, SK and Pete discuss the return of Jeffrey's Toys, Aardvarks Books, and the development of Treasure Island. Needless to say this, somehow, lead to a thorough consideration of SK's planned Museum of San Francisco, the Hyde st. reservoir, and the city's original geography. And as all great social movements have originated, a knee-jerk reaction to the current state of the Tenderloin and the continued decline of the Palace Hotel results in SK's itemizing the planks in his political platform. This certifies that on 9/29/17 the Throng had been warned.

After and exhaustive search for local talent willing to risk the three terrors of the Bomb Shelter, this week we managed to lure Gig Harbor, Washington's (The 2nd guest from Gig Harbor in as many weeks), singer/songwriter Maddy Dullum. As SK decided to invert the usual format and start right in with the interview, Maddy seemed very upbeat and friendly and talented and bored to tears. She was a great sport who was willing to play along with SK and Pete's sophomoric antics. That being the case, the three discussed Reservoir Dogs, Fiddler On The Roof, and Fight Club. After which SK educated all in the nuance of the hard-but-worth-it rock spectrum, and then there was the requisite Billy Joel vs. Elton John discussion. Finally, after realizing that their clowning is running thin, Maddy was invited to grace the Bomb Shelter with song. Then they returned to their clowning and a dubious proposal during the Bridal Fitness Coach commercial. As usual, the guest made the show. Just not to San Francisco code.

SK has seen it all. He’s the court jester, spinning other people’s suffering into entertainment and back into suffering. But after a vengeful curse makes the Lousy Podcast the target of the Duke’s dangerous obsession, will SK's devotion be enough to save it? This week in the Bomb Shelter, SK welcomes local, and highly decorated, comic, Chad Opitz with the help of his backup co-host, Andrew Holmgren. The three go on about the local art scene with updates including SFMOMA, Munch (Both the artist and NYC detective), dollar days at Golden Gate Fields, the free DeYoung tower, Pollack vs. Rembrandt, and Julie Mehretu until Chad discovers that SK keeps Babette locked up at home as the two binge watch SVU. Andrew impunes the marriage (Has he told you lately that he loves you). When the Throng arrives and swears vengeance for the fruit heavy smorgasbord SK turns his guests' attention to the latest "pop-ups", the Color Factory and the Ice Cream museum. We are introduced to Mary Ellis Bunn who declares her love for ice cream and, to a lesser extent, her descriptively named boyfriend, Manish Vora. Chad and Andrew both contemplate Slim Whitman, Prissy Kumquat, and Frolf (For what it's worth - Prelude). With the final segment of the podcast - the guest interview - we find Andrew lamenting Amazon/Whole Foods' new pricing structure (I have a structured settlement but I need cash now). SK, who has previously learned of Chad's background, insists that the group continue to talk about Chad's history in Santa Cruz, the Blue Lagoon Comedy Club, his one-man band, "Nervous Energy" as well as his RoboCopera, and the Sales Force Tower. With the falling darkness Chad relates his experiences on the East Brother Island Light House B&B. And both comics reluctantly promise to maybe come back before episode 100 (I think we're alone now). After the Arizona has been consumed the podcast dies in SK's arms as he cries out in horror, "The Curse!"

Here's a little bit of glimpse behind the scenes: SK has been out of ideas for some time now and he'll try anything to make San Francisco sound interesting...even if it means discussing Austin. Another tidbit that might be of interest to the, "Inside Lawn Darts" crowd is that this week we also had a peculiar technical problem that had each person's microphone seemingly hooked up with the other's thereby rendering  SK's edits, to make himself sound smarter and funnier than everybody else, useless. Therefore this episode is the shortest to date. Guest, Lizzie Karr, as well as co-host, Pete, did manage to get in some comments on topics as varied as the upcoming millennial exodus from San Francisco, Pete's hatred of Daly City, the definition of "crank", poor tipping habits of the Anglos, and what's wrong with Outside Lands.  Finally, SK took a little time to get into Lizzie's mind and find out what drove her to Austin and what's keeping her there. Pay no attention to the man behind this episode. This is the problematic and Lousy Podcast of San Francisco! 

We move along at a pretty good clip this week. Unfortunately we never actually get anywhere. It was as if our combined preparation time of 4 minutes was all for naught. To be fair, a pall had come over the Bomb Shelter, this week, as San Francisco's revenue machine had hitched a ride with the show and didn't kick in for gas. We started with a discussion about our neighborhood surge price parking meters and moved onto imaginary property taxes.  By the time we got to updates, the whole gang - including SK, Pete, Shantwon, and new Throng member Cheeze It Du Jour - was drenched in drops of cynicism (Train's latest). There was some discussion of a shooting at Burlington Coat Factory, the closing of Forbes Island, a family feud involving the Cafe Trieste, and 100 years of MUNI using the letter J for their agenda. When Pete abandoned the proceedings for bluer pastures, we tried to proceed with the night's planned topic, Nocturnal San Francisco. We get as far as late night bowling spots, viewing the Path of Gold from the Peak of Carnage, and a rehashing of the fate of Lefty O'douls. If it weren't for a new jingle for the Lousy SF Walking Tour SK might have called it quits. Instead he gauged the weather, took a nap, and called it acrimony. 

"Phoning it in" is often used as a derogatory term. But this week, on the Lousy Podcast, we prove that it can also be used to describe a lost cause.All parties concerned gave it a good try this episode. Pete was quite sincere in his assessment of jazz/bluegrass fusion. Shantwon was back in the bomb shelter with zealous promotion of his new digs at Trinity Place. And SK - poor SK - as usual, had prepared for a guest that hadn't shown up. All of these factors lead to a show with an earnest, if not mind numbing, consciousness of the fate of our fair city.We started out with a quick rundown of what makes SF different and discovered man buns, lines, and jay walking. Then, as is our want, we linked everything (From private streets to the Gold Rush to ill-perceived intestine fountains) to racism. Finally, we managed to sum up every mega project slated for the next 30 years in as many minutes. We even went inside Cricket.It was a wicked googly.

Sometimes, out of nowhere, you get the help you need at just the right time. This was not one of those events.This week SK scribbled something on some index cards and simply hoped it would become an entertaining podcast. Instead he ended up with a disturbing story about a creepy literature professor with two last names. With, not one but, three cancellations for the show, SK went back to a well worn tradition on the Lousy Podcast: He enlisted the throng. This week the audience in the bomb shelter was made up of two veterans, Suzy L and Mo.The idea was to perform re-enactments of news stories that would otherwise go unnoticed among other, more astute SF based podcasts. We discussed the birth of Bruce Lee, the death of the Opera Plaza Theater, the aging of some of San Francisco's historical fire equipment, the inexperience of Uber/Lyft drivers/passengers, and a tired recap of BART's latest missteps (Which, as we all know, can get messy down there.)Along the way we enjoy some samples from Fiddler on the Roof and Sleeping Beauty while SK presides over the usual race bating and forcible fruit ingestion that have become a staple on the show.So, maybe it wasn't all that bad. Maybe some chicken scratch on a napkin could be turned into something of substance. That reminds me: For Sale. Baby Shoes. Never worn.

What a night to learn about butterflys and rapid transit. And what better guests to discuss such material issues with. The answer to these and any such questions have been deferred. This week's episode was promising. SK was surrounded by funny men with funny sounding names: Mean Dave and Sean Boyles were in the Bomb Shelter and ready to give us their insights on a slew of topics - not the least of which would have been an in depth look at the issues surrounding our Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART). But, as usual, SK reneged on that promise. Choosing to go, instead, with a strategy to try to impress his new stand-up comic friends by ripping off other comedian's jokes and beating them into the ground. Even Pete got tired and left. But our guests, not knowing the way out of the underground labyrinth that is the Bomb Shelter, were forced to stay and endure SK's version of an interview about their experiences in the San Francisco comedy scene. On the bright side, it wasn't half bad...or five eighths hacky.

Maybe the problem is we're too interesting. Maybe we don't grab people's attention because our brand of infotainment goes over the heads of most listeners. Maybe we're just intimidating. In other words, maybe it's us. In an experiment to see if we can right the podcast, this week, we welcomed into the bomb shelter, Keith Breitbach (If that indeed is his real name). Keith was evasive about what he did for a living but he's an exceptional podcaster in his own right so we gave him a microphone. The man wouldn't stop talking about Municipal Pier at Aquatic Park. As it turns out, Keith is  the project director for the Committee to save Aquatic Park Pier. Now we're open minded and all that sort of nonsense, but we felt that updates might be more appropriate to start the show. After all, the 2017 Cable Car Bell Contest had just concluded this week so we spent 20 minutes or so talking about Pete's recent contest win, Schwarzenegger's starring role in Titanic, an absent architect, Ed Lee's Mustache (Remember to hashtag), and - because it's podcast gold - Animal Obituaries. So yeah. We're still looking for that audio magic. At least we gave the sponsors enough play.

A Bee, or not a bee. That was the theme of the latest Lousy Podcast. Whether 'twas nobler to suffer another week of hurled insults or to treat skinned arms with oceans of oatmeal, just keep your opinion to yourself until the end. To ride - to sleep; and by sleep we say to end in LA and a $115.00 shock each way. That flesh is heir too. 'Twas a consummation doubly near Ocean Beach's mist. To die of polar bear heart failure - to sleep as a rhino and not be resuscitated. To act - perchance to appear in movies. Ay, there's the bulb. For in that sleep of death what backhoe may come when we have encased in lead this mortal coil, must give us pause. There's the respect that makes calamity of so long life...or short, but with money. For who would bear the whips and scorns of Tammy Foxx at Bridal Fitness Coach, the oppressors wrong, the pangs of despised love, and the spurns of that patient when he himself might his Murasmus make with a bare bodkin? Who would these fardels bear to grunt and sweat under a weary life in Virginia, but that dread of something after St. Thomas, the undiscovered country from whose bourn this traveler - Roger Garrison - returns. And makes him rather bear those ills from his scooter as it flies over hills that some know not of? Thus a swarm does make cowards of us all, And thus the native hue of wax moths is sicklied over with the pale cast of thought, And enterprises of hotels, Recology, and LaBeau with great pith and vinegar and with this regard their stingers turn awry and lose the name of A Bee Well Production and the San Francisco Bee Association. The fair Throng!- Patreoniac, in thy orisons be all our sponsors remembered.

The Lousy Podcast, a time waster, swung back toward monotony without warning, and was satisfied. The previous episode had been posted, the Throng had been made aware, and being bound for a finale of 100 the only thing for it was to resign itself to mediocrity and wait for the end. This week the reach of the show stretched as far as KS's interminable water closet. In the offing humor and information were rend apart without a point. And in the dimly lit Bomb Shelter updates seemed to bring the podcast to a grinding halt with allusions to teddy grams, beefeaters vs. bee keepers, and Batdance. The air was dark and, later still, condensed into animal obituaries, was talk of rats at the San Francisco Dungeon, baby falcons, and black bears at the Oakland Zoo, brooding motionless several stories off of Beale street in the greatest town on earth.   SK was our captain and host. We two apathetically stood back and watched him stare into the distance. On the whole, there was nothing that looked half so pathetic. It was sad to realize his work was not out there on the internet, but behind him, within the brooding gloom.

Every now and then speak in an accent. Speaking in an accent brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future. And the future is going to be lousy. So the gang is back in the Bomb Shelter. We had the place all to ourselves. Ourselves included SK, Pete, KS and a new friend of the podcast Chadwich Habersnatch. The topic was San Francisco Crime. And the grape Arizonas flowed like honey. A guitarless Pete went right for everybody's soft spots with talk of Maury from the Dick Van Dyke show and reminded us all of the upcoming fate of the Raiders. This, of course, incited both of SK's brains to pile on with allusions to Fudge Ripple Pouch Happy and the Rijksmuseum. After, yet another, not-so-update on Julius' Castle there was a half hearted nod to the topic as The crime blotter was read and eventually a rag tag group of misfits was assembled for a panel discussion on what could be done about the city's rising lawlessness. Turns out were doomed but...We'll be back.

The usual conclusion to each episode of the Lousy San Francisco Podcast is an urging to cease and desist by Babette. She wasn't with us this week so the party raged until the wee hours of the late afternoon. For this our fifth and final episode recorded at the FAME venue on Broadway we wanted to cap off the run with something a little special. And semi-returning guest and Creative Manager at the Alamo Draft House, Mike Keegan, sure seemed a little special. From growing up in NY state to refusing to grow up and organizing the SF International/Indie/Noise Pop/Intergalactic Feline Film festivals, Mike was the declining life of the party. We were also graced with the presence of sound engineer, Squidge McSqueezy, although not so much graced with his sound engineering as he spent most of the night bumming drinks off PJ, our part-time cub reporter for the Giants and full time band wagon stowaway for the Warriors. Pete also arrived just in late so that we could all muddle through the following: We talked about animal gestation, how SK and Zozi are so Sam & Dianne, Beer Fest on the Pampanito, the dimming of the Giants' rally lights, life lessons from Flirting With Disaster, the demise of Critical Mass and we played SK's Movie Game. Then we got tired and it was late, so we went home.

One might ask, what qualities does SK Morton have that would compel me to listen to his Lousy Podcast? The answer: He's in bed each night, promptly at 9:00, and he's a stickler for regular meals. These attributes, along with connections to the Tanzanian mob, are what persuaded a fraction of dozens of people to ignore practically an hour of audio distortion and sit through this week's episode featuring a performance by Pete Feliciano, Eric the camera guy, and a round of Card Sharks with, not entirely horrified audience member, Pokee. The object this week, was to review the current scene of San Francisco and crack wise. We started with the great black-out of '17 and moved on to evidence that the BART Warm Springs station has hit the ground halting. We talked about The City's handling of transportation and water and finally, thankfully, ended the updates section with a story about the local origins of the term April 4th. SK then made an earnest attempt at killing time with another ill-conceived game show and even a little SF history about the Bay and Sir Francis Drake. So take a listen and then off to bed. But first, how 'bout a snack.

Have any of these blurbs ever been complimentary of Pete? If not, I would like to use this space to apologize. If so, I would like to do the same. Truth be told, Pete saved the show this week. From his, per usual, legendary musical performances to his comic narration over SK's not-so-epic a capella singing to his pitching in with cleaning the restrooms, Pete made the show. That being said, I can not recommend anybody listen to this bilge. The problems start with a last-minute cancellation by popular SF comic, Joe Klocek. SK countered with his version of a show-must-go-0n scheme by detailing the history of the Lousy Podcast. Pete, after striking out with the many ladies walking by outside the window (His go-to move was to push his face up against the glass and throw his "intense eye contact"), attempted to counteract SK's personal history lesson with repeated interruptions about movies with odd soundtracks. SK, in turn, tried his best to derail Pete's disruptions by going full on ornithologist with a local story about Double Crested Cormorants not nesting on the Bay Bridge. After a performance of Pete's original ode to 19th century prostitution the two interview the owner/operator of FAME and Broadway Studios as well as the show promoter and producer of an upcoming documentary about the venue. So yeah...It was time for another song. Thanks Pete!

Hi Kids! SK Morton here of SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Podcast and Walking Tour. I want to help you get started in the Lousy. No co-signers and no credit references necessary. Se habla Espanol! We've got Pete Feliciano! He's funny. He's talented. He's got his pulse on the finger of society! We've got a live audience at FAME venue on Broadway in beautiful downtown San Francisco! There's Rosette. There's Mike and Lannie. There's even a visit by Shantwon and KS! We talk about Sales Force Tower. We slight the handicapped. We discuss mini golf, Off the Grid, the War Memorial Opera House, the Legion of Honor, Mummies & Medicine, the Conservatory of Flowers, SF Beerfest, the Cherry Blossom festival, and we even have a sing-a-long and Pete seranades a couple on their anniversary! We will NOT be understood! Come on down to the podcast. We'll see you here. Bye Kids.

"No risk, no reward". that's what, stunt man, Evel Kneivel, was fond of repeating while consuming his meals through a straw. In April of 2017 the Lousy Podcast followed in the footsteps of Evel by embarking on a five week stint at the Fame venue on Broadway in SF...Drink up! In lieu of excitement, there was a scent of never-properly-mopped up beer in the air as SK and Pete made preparations for this, the 1st of 5, live recordings at the former Mabuhay Gardens - a popular punk venue in the 70's, 80's and one weekend in 2012 when hipsters' favorite cupcake bar, Shipwright & Cheese, underwent renovations to convert into a dub step falafel disco. Not unlike any number of Geraldo's news specials, the show was poised to be a great success. After an inadvisable attempt at an opening monologue, SK introduced Pete and the rest of his guests: Architect and Telegraph Hill expert, Joe Butler and returning friend of the show, and SF comic, Andrew Holmgren...all seems fine so far. But during the updates portion of the show, somehow things went South (or perhaps more accurately, North). Pete discovered a Throng member from the great state of Alaska and things began to unravel. Were it not for the crowd's (The term crowd here is being used with an expired poetic license) collective disdain for Ruby Sky we might have ended things right then and there. Enter Joe Butler. A virtual dusty encyclopedia of San Francisco knowledge. If SK and Pete hadn't interrupted the man at every third sentence he might have been able to save things but such are the dreams of Parrots and Men. To Joe's credit he did manage to get in some interesting stories about the early adopted Telegraph Hill semaphore, Layman's Castle for the people, how the ground was pulled out from under the Gray Brothers, Bill Bailey's cottage and how he didn't come home, Pasquale's blue ball,  the beat generation and the, not-to-be-outdone, CIA trip. Babette in Squidges role as producer and sound engineer as well as a very funny set by Andrew Holmgren made it look, for a second, that we'd clear the last bus but here we are...back in traction.

If you've never heard the Lousy San Francisco Podcast, you'll probably need to give this episode about 10 minutes before it starts to make sense. If you're a regular listener, it's hopeless. After an initial announcement by Pete that he has officially begun working on his first solo album, he then succumbs to some sort of virus that, he was informed by his doctor, up until now had only been detected in circus peanuts. The rest of Act 1 consists mostly of junk food and is regularly punctuated by Pete's hacking cough. Act 2 is all about the Mustang in Bullitt. Unfortunately, neither participant knows much on the topic so there's more of a concentration on San Francisco N-list celebrities and a musical interlude featuring a theme song from a 1990's children's show. Act 3 is narrated by Babette. It's about another of San Francisco's more popular films: The Maltese Falcon. If you don't have any interest in hearing anything on the subject you're in luck...Babette has no interest either. It was a concept piece this week and that concept has been promptly abandoned

Who says a podcast has to be either funny or informative. Can't it be neither? Here at SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Podcast we not only believe it can but we have irrefutable proof: Episode 67. We're not saying that there weren't some funny moments or that the interview with local celebrity photographer, Ryan Scherer, wasn't enlightening, it's just that most of that part of the show was recorded over when SK thought he heard the call of a rare Asian Crested Ibis. (As it turns out it was just the sound of his own chewing). The result was just 21 hours of mostly SK, Ryan, and a couple Throng members cupping their hands around their mouths and repeating the word, "Echo!" The usable stuff included an ominous email from The Patreon, a pleading for support for a specific leg of the Lousy San Francisco Walking Tour, a nod to chocolate people, a story about how the police might be as in sync with the community as Uber, and some really, really cool stories about guerrilla photography on, over, and under the Streets of San Francisco. Ryan Scherer has experienced some of San Francisco's coolest locations from all angles and has not only lived to tell about it but even has photo evidence to prove he's way cooler than SK. He also tells the kind of stories Hemingway must have told if, instead of being an alcoholic writer, he'd been an alcoholic photographer. All and all, Ryan was the only thing worth listening to on the podcast this week. And to think, we'd have let him out of the cuffs if he hadn't done so much damage to North Face.

Brace yourselves. We liked this one. Regular listener to the Lousy Podcast may have noticed a distinct gap in our regular posts. While not "worth the wait" this week's episode is a good place to start over. Admittedly, it starts with some trepidation as SK & Pete wonder if paint fumes are what kept the Throng away but things pick up with a discussion of the 50 year anniversary of the summer of love and it's mob connections. There's also the story of Boots Hughston, a hard-boiled private eye with an ear for music and a nose and throat guy with questionable credentials. SK tries to introduce a new segment - Rage against the magazine - but when it fails to catch fire the whole thing crumbles. The entire back half of the show is dedicated to emails. And it becomes quite enlightening as we get travel tips to Nebraska, instruction from Riley the Koala guy, and parenting tips by SK (Hint: less wire hangers, more Nutter Butters). And the anchor of the show: SK's 2nd annual Oscar predictions. Hop on board the white guilt express.

It might very well be time to abandon the post-modern cynicism so many of us have and return to an earlier time. A plaid cloaked time. A time with the lights out - when it's less dangerous. Since we know this won't entertain us. This week SK and Pete thought they'd tie up some loose ends. Topics that had slipped through the cracks in the preceding episodes. Topics like welcoming our latest Patreon member (Which somehow evolved into a discussion on Enya and MTV's Real World), Grandad the Chicago lungfish and the new baby monkey at the SF Zoo (Which veered to wrestling memories and George "The Animal" Steel and the elusive Lemur/Langor/Lunger), and local want ads (Which were stretched into a discussion of Gilligan's Island, Alice and Laura Dern's mom). Then we attempted to settle into a single topic of all-you-can-eat establishments here in San Francisco. Goat Hill Pizza, the Cliff House, Club Waziema, Fogo de Chao, and the Tonga Room are discussed but this, ofcourse degenerated into an uninformed discussion about the cultures of Ethiopia, Brazil, and Polynesia. This episode contributed plenty to the cynicism of it's listeners but we're so happy because, today, we found our friends...they're in our head.

Every once in a while (This is the first of those times) we produce a podcast that only barely moves the lousy needle. This week we met, interviewed, and groped SF Improv Festival organizers, Sam Shaw and Jamie Wright. When you have the kind of talent that we had visit the bomb shelter, you don't want to bombard them with too many questions too soon so we chose to go with a neglect and evade type strategy. It worked unequivocally. SK was adroitly able to make all topics about himself and Pete handled his role as grand stander with absolute aplomb. We started with emails with topics such as the Titans of Mavericks, SNL, break dancing, and the Real Roxanne. This lead to the inference that SK's history contained, either, break dancing or a role in the Fat Boys filmography. After a quick plug by Pete for Pete we resumed with the ignoring of, what was clearly, the gold standard in guests and proceeded to plug the upcoming SF history days at the Mint and black history expert John Templeton. These, of course, were just a platform for SK to announce the definiative number of licks to the center of a tootsie pop and to challenge a dead man to a knife fight. Oh, and we talked about the history of Improv in San Francisco and the ground breaking comedy troupe The Committee. What a night!

This week's episode might just as well have been entitled, Hooray for Y2k, or Jar Jar: A Star Wars Story, or Things you get from QVC, because no matter how we tried to dress it up, it was destined to be disappointing. Like every podcast (Except, of course, for the Moth) we've had our ups - one hand countable, and our downs - most memorably our remote from a leper colony where Pete thought it would be funny to challenge everyone to a face-off. Unfortunately this week, like the proverbial pig with lipstick, the consumption of this episode, would be blamed for heart failure. We started off with what seemed to be a fairly innocuous subject: George Lucas' decision to build his museum in LA rather than SF. However this quickly degenerated into a call to invade Poland. A sad report on the demise of the Mavericks surf competition incited Pete to denounce Lorne Michaels and his "Art with Limits" movement. And a report calling for the demolition of Highway 280 resulted in, first, quite a bit of Pete's rant to be edited from the episode and, ultimately, a soothing mantra gleaned from the Phantom Tollbooth. In the second half of the show things began to get heated - partially due to a broken thermostat and partially due to SK being snubbed by one particular pharisaic character at Lefty O'doul's. And finally, our no justice de resistance no peace de resistance came in the form of, SK's review of the World's Fair Nano. Disappointment? Yeah, I can tell you about it. I've got time, time, nothing but time. 

To establish a sense of closure one might do one or more of the following: Fantasize about conspicuous waste in the event of a windfall; Cultivate a false sense of importance by photo-bombing public figures at a media events; Say goodbye to OutBound founder, Telli Prego. This week we send off, friend of the show, Telli Prego, and wish him well with his new venture in Arizona. Telli has been a fixture in the Sunset district for 30 years and we mark the end of an era by talking over him, commandeering his stories to make them our own, and eating his goodbye cake without him. In addition to memories of the Gas Mask Colony, Studio 51, The Black Smiths, and Telli's last album with, producer, Okeefe - Mouthpiece Over Matter - we also give a curtain call to, Union Square fixture, Lefty O'Doul's and the importance of the building of which it has occupied for the last 59 years. Yeah, there's been some good times. Just not on this show. So long Telli. And watch out for the walnut shrimp in Pheonix.

This week, SK takes you back; back many years in fact. Back to a day when horse-drawn carriages thundered over the land and man had yet to invent the lemon sponge cookie. And now as the changing times end the rule of tyrannical Blue Whale, SK takes you forward in time once more toward the shadow of a new arrival: Electricity for profit. This was a strange new world but man embarked on his adventure with a new power: The Ferris Wheel. Decades race by as man applies himself to fun, fun, fun. He expands on the concept, and uses that knowledge to develop the ice cream cone, the moving sidewalk, and the peep show. And now, The Lousy San Francisco Podcast becomes a vehicle on the information super highway carrying you across the boundless internet and introducing you to Worlds Fair USA founder, Michael Weiss. Our ancestors never heard the sounds you'll hear or saw the sights you'll see at the World's Fair Nano. Perhaps by attending the expo at pier 70 people will experience life-size virtual reality pong. Perhaps attendees will get to shoot the Fireball tennis ball gun. And perhaps the crowds will enjoy cricket powder power bars. But all such dreams begin in the mind of millennials with an angel investor. Now as we fast forward to the end of our journey we find ourselves at, yet, another abrupt ending. On behalf of Peter Feliciano and his metal band Necropsy, Michael Weiss, and Babette from the Orient Express we hope you have enjoyed this episode of SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Podcast.

This week's episode was designed to demonstrate to both Peter Feliciano as well as Shantwon Z that when we fail to prepare, we prepare to fail. The denial of this cliched yet undeniable fact was the only thing on which these two staples of the Lousy Podcast could find an accord. Originally conceived as a battle of the bands - Shantwon the original Lousy Podcast house band, and Pete: professional musician and pretty good candidate for the lap band - neither showed up with their guitars. However, Shantwon did surprise the throng with his latest project, a ukulele. In his capable hands the show was by most accounts a disaster. After an ode to SK by Shantwon, attention was paid to our latest and first Patreon patrons, Elaine Sack and Matthew Neathery - the latter getting a serenaid of his own by Pete. Then a brief misstep when we accidentally talked about something relevant to San Francisco, the new MUNI trains. Interspersed between covers of Hotel California & Pixar's Lava Theme and originals like Wish I Were Like Shantwon & You're Not Enjoying This, we managed to talk a little about Marine Layer Workshop in the old Lumiere Theater, Rogue One, the Fillmore arches (Old and new), Illuminate the Arts SF and Bucky Balls. It was a hard luck show with a taste of justice but with all of this, we're confident that the Throng will not abandon us and that our Patreon campaign will finally take off. No Comeupins!

At the risk of tempting Karma (The hippie chick at the deli who always gives me an extra BBQ wing because she likes the podcast), it looks like we've finally pulled out of the dive of the last couple weeks and might have come up with an alternative to waterboarding for prisoners with a choice. December was supposed to be movie month. On December 31st, a small crowd gathered in the bomb shelter and talked about local movie theater history...eventually. First we read a couple of emails from non-detractors. Then we casually dropped names like Serena Williams, Man J. Kim, and Lori's Diners all while Pete complained about the refreshments SK has left out over the last month. We did talk about movie theaters like the Coronet, the Kabuki, the Geneva drive-in and the St. Francis (Located at, what is now, Lefty O'doul's). We even talked about a couple movies: It's a Wonderful Life, Life Is Beautiful, 1st Kid, Jurassic Park, Loving, Beat Street, and anything with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (Even an OG has 2 eyes, 2 ears and a heart). So doncha sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed; we're here with boring stories to spare. You got us bona fide, certified, You got a lousy for your chare d'affaires

There are few guarantees in life - death, taxes, Tom Brady's chin - but this week; we here at SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Podcast offer this guarantee: Directionless ranting. Disheartened after a weak opening Petes's life changes when he meets SK who is "tremendously excited with life [and the prospect of Patreon income]", and he begins to long for the freedom of the road and income of driving for Uber. "Somewhere along the line I knew there would be elephant ears, Ed Lee's mustache, robotic cars; somewhere along the line the FLOTUS would be handed to me. Now the bug was on us again, and the bug's name was the Beatles. First we talk about Chapelle's monologue on SNL and SK's introduction to the black community. This soon degenerates into an argument over which comics are funny and which reinforce Pete's personal brand of nihilism. This segment ends with a chronographical, if not cohesive, note when SK announces his YouTube discovery of History Buffs. "What we accomplished by talking about Frisco I don't know". Having obtained divorce papers in Mexico, we end the show with discussions about the DNA Lounge, San Francisco's soon-to-be 2nd tallest building: Ocean Wide Center, and buskers getting the floppy-soled boot on Market street with a quick reminder of Pete's humble beginings. "He'll be alright", SK later reflects as he sits on the 47 under the San Francisco sky and states: "...I think of Pete, I even think of Old Pete the father we never found, I think of Pete."

There's not a whole lot one could say about the poor journalism found in San Francisco. Which makes it all the more exhausting to have to listen to SK and Pete go on and on about it in this week's podcast. The stage is set for a long evening when our amateurtagonists enter with a lack-luster effort to get the Throng excited about their new Patreon campaign. To clarify the specifics, Both hosts draw from their wealth of Political Science knowledge to press for Olives and Pellegrino. Keep in mind that December was supposed to be "movie month" so to that end one title is briefly mentioned and immediately forgotten to make time for venting about poor reporting and cold whoppers for the homeless. Curious? Sufficed to say, you won't be at the end.

The year is 2016 (Duh). The host, SK Morton, also known as Ukelele Ike. The program: the Lousy San Francisco Podcast; it is the first all-talking, all-singing, all-disappointing podcast ever recorded. In the years that followed, "Singin' in the Rain" would be replaced as SK's theme song with a more accurate, "Muttering to Himself on the Sidewalk". Over the past 2 years, SK has produced over 55 podcast episodes. And if you had to select one bit from one episode, that would best represent the Lousy Podcast, I have a feeling that the vote would be unanimous, especially among the Throng, and that's why we've saved the best for some show way off in the future - perhaps some of us will survive to hear it. The Lousy Podcast won the title of Best Off-The-Wall Experience in San Francisco in 2016 because of their plying the studio audience with sugary snacks and flat Pellegrino, but the constant laughing at their own jokes is as tiresome as the day you and I first heard it. This week we remember Coco Bear, StealthCat, Fat Baby Toes, the Snail Assassin, Crazy Johnny, and Tony Quarington; all in addition to a flimsey theme that's forgotten about or dropped 3 clips in. But you'll love it - it's nostalgic - like a Scoliosis test. Co-hosted by Peter Feliciano, engineered by Squidge McSqueezy, and choreographed by Gene Kelly, this week's Lousy Podcast can only be described as SK's masterpiece of phoning it in.

"SK!" Said Rabbit Quinn one evening when she found the Lousy Podcast host with little or nothing to say of any value. "How did you ever get Babette to marry you?" "Well", said SK, "I 'spect twas the knuckle draggin'." And such was the confusion that has made for the basis of so many podcasts up until now. On this episode the gang welcomes San Francisco based singer/song writer/pianist/chagrinee, Rabbit Quinn. She certainly was a good sport as SK hastily (We know that it was hasty because Babette signaled the second hand's reaching the 12 with great regularity) bounced from one mildly interesting topic to another with the not-so-subtle intention of editorializing on such material issues as Mannequinning, automobile jousting, bad journalism, and appropriation of misappropriated funds. (Babette is planning an uprising) Eventually the show arrives at the interview portion with Ms. Quinn. We are treated to 2 songs from her upcoming album, Painted Fan, and then some really interesting insights into what it takes to be an incredibly talented musician who has to encounter Pete from time to time. Ultimately, Rabbit concedes that Billy Joel is what makes it all worth while and all indicate their approval by chewing on rubber. Born and bred in the Bomb Shelter, Throng - born and bred. And with that, he skips out just as lively as a cricket in the embers.

Wise men say only fools listen to the Lousy San Francisco Podcast. But we can't help falling deeper and deeper in debt - not just financially, but this describes our Patreon campaign so far as well. Shall we stay here in the bomb shelter and continue to produce what is rightly considered a crime against good taste? Since we can't help descending into puns and innuendo. Like a river of paint that drips in up to 8 colors as chosen by our guest, Bob Buckter who took a year to sail on the sea, So SK quips, some of his words are bourgeoisie (Like "Tepezquintle" or "Supermercado"). So take our word for it - take the whole sentence for that matter. For we can't help plummeting further and further into this mess we call SK Morton's Lousy San Francisco Podcast. - We love you Throng.

SK and his band of cohorts are tired of the accurate assessments of their acumen. So this week the Lousy San Francisco Podcast focuses on smart sounding words like "palindromes" and "perambulations" (One of Emily Dickinson's lesser known novels). With animal obituaries, instead of discussing Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo, we cogitate the predicament of Sticky the bearded dragon. We discuss current events such as public housing and Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside. The Titans of Mavericks gave us ample opportunity for exciting conversation as we discussed the big waves, the inclusion of women into the contest, and a good round of rooting for our champion, Colin Dwyer: "Yo! Banana Boy!" And of course we get philosophical with the usual profundities such as, Borrow or Rob? Do geese see god? Was it a rat I saw? and King, are you glad you are King? Even a message from Bridal Fitness coach showed prudence. Doc Note: I Dissent. A Fast Never Prevents A Fatness. I Diet On Cod. And we also talk about SF baseball stuff. So give episode 52 a listen. It's Never odd or even. No Mel Gibson is a casino's big lemon.

This week we thought it'd be fun to bring Pete's competition for 2016's best up-and-coming artist, Nigel Sussman, into the bomb shelter and see what happens. Fun wasn't the word for it. Neither were the words: civil; coherent; engaging; entertaining; or safe. However, the terms insensitive and delicious came up a couple times during the animal obituaries. Crude and oblivious would make a good sub-heading for our discussion of San Francisco's Legacy Businesses. "Failed attempt at brevity" would be the phrase that encapsulates the latest Bridal Fitness Coach commercial. And "Antagonistic" became the watch word when Pete went Anglophobe during our in-depth interview of Nigel. So if you enjoy the works of Escher, Rube Goldberg, and Where's Waldo you'll probably still be disappointed...not to put too fine a point on it.

The team's enthusiasm is beaten; They constantly beg for cash. There's a promise from Pete to perform stripped to his feet, while KS fights with a gnat from the trash. SK growls as he combats a sore throat; The story of his D.C. trip he's told. Through the entirety it aches but a big deal he makes, about an award and tour tickets he's not sold. The Autumn wind is a podcast; This year trying not to be too long. But when about Patreon he'll drone and Babette's on the phone, SK laughs when he's bored the Throng