Spectre Etc

No Time to Die - “Octopus Adjacent” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we spend all the time in the world on topics ranging from double-helix to farewell Felix. Join us as we spiral through the end of the Craig era in “No Time to Die”. * The pre-title sequences range from tamagotchis to Tren Italia, as we track Madeleine's path from Lyutsifer to luxury, leading James to make a grave mistake. Billie Eilish sings a song, but the viewer barely notices due to focusing on spotting callbacks in the graphics. * Dr Boris (with a dash of Borat) works in a secret lab for MI6 but is really undercover for Safin, so helps with the theft of a deadly virus. So 007 has to head to Jamaica to enlist James Bond, but the CIA have been the first to ask James to suit up. * A Spectre Soiree turns into a Paloma Party, before our feelings for Felix leave life a lot less Leiter. Bond returns to London to volunteer as M's sobriety sponsor. A quick stopover with Q's cats starts to piece the plot puzzle together, as does Safin's psychology session on Swann's sofa. * Bond kills Blofeld before heading to Norway to meet Mathilde. The bad guys are closing in, but the lack of a child-seat in the Bond car means Bond must escape using Madeleine's family car. James avenges Felix in the forest, but Lyutsifer steals the Swanns. * Bond and 007 join forces to sneak into Safin's island lair. James rescues the Swanns and kills Safin, but pays the ultimate price for his heroism. Use your time living rather than existing, and of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have THIS Felix Leiter listed officially as THE Felix Leiter - he is our favourite and he should be yours too. Worst Impersonation Trophy: Col does a pretty good Connery voice - the best any of us can do. But using that exact same accent to quote Bond in this film is a terrible - and baffling - Craig impersonation.

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. Like it says on the tin, kids, this is our SPECTRETACULAR, or final wrap up of the man, the myth and the magic that is James Bond.

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we are warned that the dead are alive but not that history is about to be re-written. Join us as we chop down Bond’s family tree in “Spectre”. * The pre-titles sequence sees Bond destroy Day of the Dead in a single take before ambushing an ambitious helicopter pilot. Sam Smith’s falsetto-filled title track is not enough to distract the eye from the tentacle-porn. * Back in London, M sends Bond to bed without supper. Max steps away from the cover of “Punchable Face” magazine to C how rude he can be to M. James invites Moneypenny to his barely-furnished apartment to show her a video from beyond the grave. * MI6 calls on Q to track Bond’s stress, whereabouts, and inebriation. James convinces Q to give him a couple of days off-grid. Despite the time constraints, 007 drives to Italy. As Spectre pay respects to Sciarra, Bond bangs the widow before posing as Mickey Mouse to infiltrate Spectre’s meeting. Guerra has his eyes on a job - until his eyes are on Hinx’s thumbs. Blofeld’s bird-calls baffle Bond before he flies away to the comfort of a car-chase. * When C sees the losing vote, M drones on. Bond joins Mr White for some chess, before swanning about at Dr Madeline’s clinic. After failing yet another psychiatric session, James gives Q a ring before flying after kidnappers in cars. After saving Swann, she spells out Spectre’s secrets - so James whisks her away to Tunisia. Mr White’s secret Blo-cator room reveals the lair where Spectre is situated. * James and Madeline catch the next train to the Spectre station, which leads to some Hinx hijinks. Blofeld treats his captives very well, until he screens Mr White’s death and drills into Bond’s brain. James forgets everything except for his Latin lessons, thankfully. After a reasonably easy escape, Bond and Swann fly back to London to team up with MI6. * Blofeld has contrived a convoluted plan to torture James in the ruins of MI6 headquarters, but Bond is able to escape the building by boat. Blofeld barrels into a bridge by Big Ben, but Bond refuses to finish the job. M arrests Blofeld, while James and Madeline drive off in Connery’s car. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition welcoming the NSA to our listenership!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, MI6 is forced underground by cyber attacks. Join us as we head for the hills in “Skyfall”. * The pre-titles sequence is up to old tricks by faking Bond’s death before Adele takes us deep inside 007’s psyche. Back in London, M is under pressure to explain mission failures before MI6 blows up in her face. * This attack is enough to drag Bond away from his Heineken, and he regains M’s trust by breaking into her house. She sticks James on a treadmill, subjects him to surgical malpractice, and finds out what he really thinks with word-association. He fails every test, but M wants him back in the field. * New Q is light on gadgets but is pretty computer-savvy. In Shanghai, Bond catches a lift and makes light work of sneaking up on a sniper. After Patrice plummets, Bond and Moneypenny raise a few eyebrows. At the casino, James cashes in Eve for Severine and then plays Pitfall by leaping lizards. * Severine is sailing away when Bond boards her boat before shaming himself in her shower. With this assault behind them, they reach Silva’s abandoned island - where it Bond’s turn to have his physical space invaded. An unimpressive William Tell impression leads to 007 capturing Silva. * Back in London, MI6 have made a Magneto-cell for Silva. M hears what Silva has to say, then heads to her own hearing. At this, Silva opens every aperture in MI6 and heads for the tube. He commits an awful crime while at the very same time, M is being a touch sublime by reciting a lovely rhyme. * James abducts M and heads for his childhood home in Scotland. Tanner and Q pause their beer pong game long enough to help Bond with breadcrumbs, so Silva can swoop on Skyfall. Inspired by Home Alone, Bond & M spend a day setting up 10 minutes of booby traps. All of this good work is undone by some foolish flashlighting - forcing 007 onto some thin ice. In the chapel, Silva is having too many feelings to finish his mission. James arrives just in time to kill Silva, but is unable to save M. * Back in London, James is finally introduced to Moneypenny before receiving his next mission from Mallory. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to buy Bond a “First Capture” cake!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, the writers have gone on strike and left us to join the dots of this chase-heavy movie. Join us as we try to flounder our way through “Quantum of Solace”. * The pre-titles sequence has Bond avoiding pineapple trucks as he chauffeurs Mr White to Siena. Another rocking title track takes us into a terrific terracotta rooftop race before Bond squeezes off a shot while swinging from some scaffolding. * Bond heads to Haiti to smash up a hotel room and kill yet another source of information. Camille picks him up on her way to meet Dominic. Bond steals a boat and kidnaps Camille before asking M to dig deep into Dominic. She asks the CIA for information, but the Americans are in cahoots with Quantum! * Mr White is co-ordinating Quantum during an Austrian opera, but Bond is taking the minutes of this meeting. James adjourns the meeting and kills yet another source of information. M has had enough, and cancels Bond’s cards to keep him in Austria. * James motorboats across the Mediterranean to visit the villa Mathis earned. Rene is dressed for action, and jumps at the chance to join James in Bolivia. On the Virgin plane, 007 downs six vespers. Agent Fields has been sent to Bolivia to help James find the hotel stationery before Dominic’s party. * Camille is asking to be thrown off a balcony, but Bond arrives just in time. Leaving Fields alone at the party, James drives off with Camille. Police pull them over and frame James for the murder of Mathis. Bond leaves his dear friend in a dumpster, but not before stealing his money. * James and Camille somehow swap a car for a plane so they can fly over Dominic’s desert. A couple of jets join them for a dogfight, forcing a skydive into a sinkhole - where Dominic’s dammed water pushes the plot forward. After walking all the way back to town, Bond finds oil-fields in his hotel room. * Bond invites Felix for a drink, but the beers turn into shots. Dominic has headed to his desert hotel, so James and Camille have a quick chat about vengeance-killing. They burn down the hotel and avenge Camille’s family. * Bond leaves Dominic stranded in the desert with just a bottle of oil, then leaves Camille stranded at some train station with just a kiss. James finally avenges Vesper, and then tells M how he really feels. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Mathis’s body repatriated to his villa!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we gush over our favourite scenes and pretend to be poker professionals. Join us as we explore the origins of our favourite spy in “Casino Royale”. * The pre-titles sequence has Bond in a meeting that seems to mainly deal with a recent bathroom struggle. Bond’s 00-status is confirmed by some of the many spinning polygons in the titles. Mr White introduces Le Chiffre to some Ugandan warlords who need banking advice. Bond is in Madagascar, partnered by a bumbling fool, and parkours up a crane - sadly never finding out if the cobra beat the mongoose. * M throws a bit of a tantrum because Bond breaks into her apartment. She punishes him with a Ford Mondeo, so Bond finds a parking lot and throws his own tantrum. Then 007 declines the missionary position in favour of a mission. He tracks ellipsis until it trails off, then jets off to the runway in plane site - leading to a chase that is Virgin on the ridiculous. * James is microchipped by M and skewered by Vesper. He and Vesper need help to take down Le Chiffre in Montenegro, so they are joined by Mathis - a renowned poker commentator. The plan is to wear poker-playing costumes and order complicated cocktails. * Between hands, Bond teaches those Ugandan warlords not to stair. James rejoins the poker table and cleans up, and then visits Vesper in the shower - where he sucks at cleaning up. The following day, Le Chiffre cleans out Bond’s bank balance by bluffing about bluffing. * Felix happily makes his own wallet Leiter, so James can stay in the game. After a hand nearly kills him, Bond is back in a flush. Vesper joins James for a post-poker dinner, where Bond names a cocktail after her. When Vesper vanishes, Bond takes off but rolls his car. He is dragged off for debriefing - where Le Chiffre has a ball. Thankfully, Mr White arrives and kills Le Chiffre before Bond is forced to have a ball. * Bond is sent to an Italian lakeside villa to recover from his scrotal trauma. James blames Mathis for this betrayal, so has him taken off for enhanced interrogation. This leaves Bond alone with Vesper - who attacks his groin more ferociously than Le Chiffre did. * This time Bond chooses the girl over the mission, so he resigns and the two lovebirds head to Venice - where Vesper betrays Bond and steals the money. James is able to beat the bad guys and sink a building, but is unable to prevent Vesper from drowning. Mr White escapes with the cash - until he meets “Bond, James Bond”. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have all Pizza Hut buildings heritage-listed!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. With James on his 20th official adventure, this film is JW Peppered with callbacks to previous adventures. This launches our own retro-SPECTRE-ive as we wish the car wasn’t the only thing invisible in “Die Another Day”. * The pre-titles sequence starts with Bond shooting us right in our gun, then surfing into North Korea. In the DMZ, James is joined by Zao and Moon - who want to buy his diamonds. After hovercrafting through the landmines, Bond finds an ap-peal-ing way to survive before being captured. * The narrative continues through the titles, as Bond is waterboarded and tortured by the North Koreans. Madonna cleverly combines awful lyrics with a jarring dance beat to have the viewer wishing they could trade places with James. * Bond is traded back to MI6 in exchange for a diamond-studded Zao. Bond is under guard, but holds his breath until MI6 let him go. A free man, Bond saunters into his favourite hotel and meets up with Chinese Intelligence. * In Havana, Jinx joins James. They immediately start some slowly-smouldering seduction, subtly studded with single-entendres. After a delicious dalliance, Bond and Jinx end up at a remote island clinic - where DNA therapy is changing Zao’s appearance. Jinx kills a mad scientist, while James finds Zao and squeezes his sack. * Diamond magnate Gustav Graves parachutes into London and immediately takes of-fence to Bond’s arrival. After a spectacular swordfight, Bond uses a secret door to meet M underground. She invites Bond to re-join MI6, so he heads straight for the gadget lab. After some light shoe-sniffing, Bond is shown a car that is out of sight! * Gustav is planning a big event in Iceland, so M sends Bond and Miranda to catch the show. Gustav zooms his rocket car around his ice castle before his many guests mingle in the ice-bar. Miranda gives James a frosty stare, so James sticks with Jinx. * Gustav shows everyone the power of Icarus - a giant magnifying mirror in space harnessing the power of the sun. After a short show, Gustav catches Jinx while Miranda honeypots James. Bond then saves Jinx from being lasered by Mr Kil. Bond is caught and learns that not only is Miranda a double-agent, but Gustav is actually a re-marrowed Moon! * Bond races away in the rocket car, while Gustav uses Icarus to chase him. Bond falls off a cliff with some awful kite-surfing, then returns to his invisible car just in time to lead Zao on a car-chase through the melting ice castle. Bond doubles-down on diamonds by dropping them on Zao’s face, then heads off to save Jinx by dunking her in the hot-spring the ice castle is built on. * James and Jinx join M in the Korean DMZ and head for Moon’s airfield. Bond is unable to shoot Moon, so he and Jinx run - like hobos chasing a freight train - after his taxiing plane. Jinx hijacks the cockpit while Moon’s father is wishing his son had achieved crater things. * While Bond battles Moon, Jinx aims the plane at Icarus then teaches Miranda about the art of war. Moon takes the only parachute through the jet engine, so James and Jinx jumpstart a helicopter just in time, before ending the film shagging in a seaside shack with sheets made from diamonds. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to forbid ice-castle construction atop hot-springs!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we learn all about how bullets help brains. Join us as we salvage this disaster of a film by throwing Christmas puns at “The World is not Enough”. * The pre-titles sequence begins with Bond being a banker. MI6 blows his pile of cash, so Bond’s back in a boat, being a spy! Bond busts his shoulder by letting go of a balloon. Then the titles occur over inoffensive music. * A King has been killed, so MI6 retreats to a Scottish castle. Bond is outraged by M stealing his “personal vendetta” schtick, and is forced to get a leg over the doctor to prove his shoulder is fine. In other MI6 news, a bumbling oaf is now in charge of the gadgets as Q takes his cue with a perfect exit. * The archvillain Renard has a bullet in the brain - so is obviously now unable to feel pain AND is gaining strength. James hits the alps for some long-overdue skiing, and joins King’s daughter Elektra atop some mountain. Their flirtatious frolicking is interrupted by some parachuting snowmobiles that chase Bond downhill. Luckily, James is able to evade them all and also use his jacket-ball to protect Elektra from an avalanche. * Bond shrugs off Elektra’s name-calling and visits a casino to meet an old friend. James uses his x-ray specs to see through all sorts of things before costing Elektra a pile of cash in the most boring of all casino games. * Meanwhile, Renard is juggling hot rocks while Elektra’s bodyguard assassinates some physicist. This provides James the opportunity to create a fake ID and impersonate this 60-year-old Russian. This ruse gets by Renard’s henchmen pretty easily, but the interrogative powers of Dr. Christmas Jones almost blow Bond’s cover! * Below ground, James finds Renard but holds off on shooting him - knowing that this will only make Renard stronger. Dr. Christmas arrives and announces that Bond is not Dr. Arkov. This results in a lot of explosions and all sorts of implausible events, culminating in James dragging Jones above ground through some hatch. * James and Jones mess up some math and decide that it is time to jump on a pipeline trolley to chase down some runaway plutonium. This leads to an explosion in an oil pipeline that does not even soil Bond’s white shirt. Meanwhile, Elektra has turned evil and taken M hostage. * Bond visits Valentin’s caviar farm to learn more about Elektra’s Stockholm Syndrome. The aerial side-trimmers return to break Bond’s BMW, but James and Dr. Christmas stay out of trouble until Bullion blows his bag. Elektra has M in a cage and ties Bond to a chair. * Elektra and Renard have some unsatisfying sex, then she sends him to steal a sub so he can spoil some oil pipelines. Valentin is shot by Elektra, and uses his last dying action to save Bond. James helps M out of her cage on his way to execute Elektra, and is then free to dive for Renard’s submarine. Once inside the sub, Bond saves Christmas and crashes the sub against the sea floor. With water gushing in, it is time to find Renard! * After a short fight, Bond is able to hook up some pneumatic hoses in such a fashion that Renard is speared by his own plutonium rod. This leaves Bond free to subject Christmas to a similar fate, albeit on a Turkish balcony. The single worst line of dialogue in a Bond film ends this mess. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to keep Coltrane out of our caviar!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we try to mediate the dispute between a hard-working newspaper man and some British twat. You’ll be Wai Lin for more after you listen to our pun-peppered discussion of ”Tomorrow Never Dies”. * The pre-titles sequence has Bond busting up a bizarre bazaar before jumping in a jet with no ejection protection - then the titles song plays over some very Zorin-esque visuals. A stealth ship sinks a submarine - forcing sailors to evacuate (“This is not a drill! Well, it is… technically”). Elliot Carver, owner of a media group, is eager to get this story into Tomorrow’s news. * Moneypenny tells Bond to spit out a mouthful of Danish so he can go investigate the sunken sub. Before leaving, James checks in with Q to pick up some gadgets. Bond reunites with Carver’s wife (Paris) and immediately goes from banker to wanker. Wai Lin distracts Carver - who has his heavies haul Bond away to a soundproof room. Bond beats them up and returns to his hotel; Paris arrives, giving Bond an eyeful. * Bond breaks into Carver’s printing press and steals a GPS encoder from the safe - beating Wai Lin to it. James heads back his hotel room, where Dr Kaufman is waiting for him. The doctor has already operated on Paris, and is about to kill James. Shockingly, Bond convinces Kaufman to electrocute himself and then uses Q’s remote-control car to escape Carver’s idiot henchmen. * Bond takes the encoder and jets off to meet Jack Wade. After a quick HALO, Bond is underwater and sneaking into that sunken sub. Wai Lin pops in, adding enough extra weight to activate gravity. She and James ditch the scuba tanks and escape via what may or may not be a torpedo tube. * Bond and Wai Lin are captured and brought to help Carver write their obituaries, but they jump out of a window and steal a motorcycle. Some exciting stunts lead - naturally - to Bond and Wai Lin having an outdoor shower, before hopping on some junk to go find Carver’s stealth ship. * Carver thinks he has made Bond his new anchorman, but Bond is busy killing hundreds of henchmen. Finally, James confronts Carver and forces Elliot to face his fate. James stamps out one more henchman; then saves Wai Lin from drowning. They choose to hide from their rescuers in order to get some action on a floating door. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have the Mohs Scale re-written with Dunlop Volleys listed as the hardest mineral!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we take the Pierce out of Brosnan and reminisce about mid-90s technology. Join us as we call in on an old flame with ”Goldeneye”. * The pre-titles sequence introduces our new Bond with a failed mission, bookended by successful stunts. Then Tina takes a turn at the titles track as great graphics get us revved up for this new age of James. * Bond visits a casino and tries to stay on top of Xenia, but an Admiral pulls rank. In order to steal a helicopter, Xenia squeezes an ID out of the Admiral, then squeezes into a jumpsuit. * Boris and Natalya (great with computers, not so good with the puns) are the only survivors when Onatopp and General Ourumov open fire inside a Russian satellite station. * Meanwhile, Bond visits MI6 to introduce a much-improved Moneypenny, a somehow-still-employed Tanner, and the best M yet. M gives Bond a bourbon and a dressing-down, then sends him to St. Petersburg. A quick trip to Q’s lab provides more comic relief than useable technology. * In Russia, James meets an old foe who has become a new friend. This leads to reuniting with Valentin, who sends James to a spa to meet Janus. Onatopp is there, so things get steamy before Bond convinces her to take him to Janus. Bond’s Russian reunions continue when it emerges that Janus is yet another old friend - not a two-faced Roman god, but a two-faced ex-MI6 agent. * Bond is tranquilised and wakes up strapped into a helicopter, alongside Natalya. James has to use his head to escape. Bond & Natalya snitch to the Russian authorities, before Ourumov creates some friction in the non-fiction section. * James drives a tank through the city streets, and then somehow uses it to sneak up on Ourumov’s train. Ourumov later confuses this train with a battering ram, which is the beginning of the end for Ourumov. * Bond and Natalya take a brief break from the action to give James time to “find himself” with a beach-side sunset. Once 007 has found James, it is time to find Janus (if he'd found a copy of You Only Live Twice, Bond may have found this lair sooner). * Inside the lair, Bond learns that Alec is doing all of this in order to rob a bank. Boris unknowingly tests 007’s ability to count to three. Thankfully, Bond can count to three, so is able to escape to the satellite dish. Alec follows James outside, but falls from the dish - before the dish falls on him. * The film ends with a totally plausible helicopter extraction and a field full of Marines. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Sam Smith write & record a song called “That’s My Lunch”!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Timothy Dalton does his damnedest to compete with all those great 1980s action films. The angry chief at our precinct demands results and has given us 48 hours to go rogue with a ”License to Kill”. * The pre-titles sequence has Bond warming the bench while Felix attends to a pre-wedding mission to apprehend Sanchez. Bond suits up and catches the drug baron. The titles sequence follows, featuring Gladys Knight’s space-filling song. * Sanchez escapes custody by bribing CIA Agent Killifer - but Felix’s wedding means no-one seems to notice. This wedding looks like it will lead to a longer marriage than Bond’s wedding in OHMSS did. Sanchez has his henchman Dario kidnap Felix and murder the new bride, so Felix’s honeymoon lasts no longer than Bond’s did. * Sanchez sends a warning by having some sharks (real sharks, not Felix’s best friend Sharkey) ensure Felix is one leg lighter. Sharkey and Bond sneak into Milton Krest’s shark warehouse and throw some money at Killifer. * MI6 is using the Hemingway House - a bustling tourist attraction - as a safehouse. Bond is dragged there because M wants the CIA to handle Sanchez. Bond realises it is the 1980s, so his only option is to go rogue! * Bond sneaks on to Krest’s boat to find Sharkey dead, so Felix is now one friend lighter. James is nearly caught, but escapes a scuba fight by barefoot skiing behind a plane! * James breaks into Felix’s office to track down Pam Bouvier. He agrees to meet this informant at a local bar filled with dancing girls and brawling boys. As Bond and Bouvier escape, Dario shoots Pam right in the bullet-proof vest. She has no such protection for the projectile Bond soon sends her way. * Bond and Bouvier head to Isthmus to find Sanchez. Bond greases the wheels by throwing a briefcase full of cash at some Bank Manager. Cleverly, Sanchez is running his drug empire via a televangelist; stupidly, Sanchez is wearing a dead lizard on his shoulder. * Uncle Q pops into Isthmus, and he has brought gifts! Once Bond has checked if Sanchez has a skeleton, he will be able to use explosive toothpaste to assassinate him! Ninjas come out of nowhere to thwart this plan. Turns out these are MI6 ninjas, here to orient 007 toward London! * Sanchez saves Bond and brings him back to the lair, where Bond earns his trust. James joins a tour of the televangelist’s “Meditation and Wellness Center” (that Sanchez uses to package and ship cocaine) and puts flammable items right next to inflammable materials. * Bond ends up on a conveyer belt, but an angelic Pam distracts Dario with her halo. The Wellness Center is burning down, but Bond gets things back on truck by hijacking a fuel tanker. As usual, a pineapple truck slows him down, and then a stinger missile forces Bond to get that 18-wheeler up onto 5 wheels. * Bond and Sanchez fight on a tanker that rolls down a hill. Then they dust themselves off for a quick showdown. * The film ends with Bond inviting Felix fishing (to seek revenge on the marine world) and then having to choose between the two ladies. Lupe loses, because Bond bags Bouvier. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Benicio Del Toro listed as the best henchman yet!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Timothy Dalton takes us on a tour of an Afghan conflict and shows us the conflict of a Cellist tour in “The Living Daylights”. * The pre-titles sequence is a welcome return to M’s office being out of his office. Bond has to jump a jeep off Gibraltar, before some music from A-Ha triggers memories of DJ Skat Kat. * Bond must help Crybaby Saunders with Yorgi’s defection from the KGB. Bond spots a cellist acting as a sniper, and Kara can count herself lucky to escape with just a rash. Bond’s plan to cross the border leads to a much earlier (and shorter!) motorboat scene than previous films. * A very frail Q still out of the office, but eventually 007 drags him back to the lab. Moneypenny is new and young and… still kinda lame. As is the ghetto blaster gag. * Yorgi’s MI6 safehouse has incredibly lax security (and no cows, apparently), so an evil KGB milkman is able to break in and use a misappropriated Red Cross logo to steal Yorgi back for Mother Russia. * Bond realises Yorgi’s defection was a scam and that Kara is his ticket to Yorgi. After some alone time in a public bathroom, Bond whisks Kara away. They are chased by an army of pursuers, but Bond is able to use car gadgets and Kara gadgets (a cello case) to evade them. * James shows Kara an evening of culture (the opera and the circus) and then takes her, on the ferris wheel. Kara heads off for some post-coital postcard shopping, while Bond says a final goodbye to Saunders - who gets caught in a jamb. * Bond breaks into Pushkin’s hotel room, and uses a naked girl to help set up a fake assassination. Bond beats Necros to the shot, and escapes by running across rooftops. Once again, 007 is kidnapped by an ally - this time he is brought to Felix Leiter’s frathouse for some solo cups of Jim Beam. Before Felix can rack up the Beer Pong table, James joins Kara - where Kara’s chloral-hydrate martini ensures his bad luck with drinks continues. * Knocked out, Bond is captured and thrown on a plane to Afghanistan. Alongside him is a cooler carrying a heart, packed in ice. Upon arrival, Bond escapes the airbase and joins the Mujahideen in their fight for freedom. * Bond heads back to the airbase to infiltrate the opium smuggling but gets sloppy with his disguise, so is forced to steal a plane full of opium. Just before take-off, James allows Kara to enter from behind. Unfortunately, Necros is also able to enter one of Bond’s openings. * Necros tries to garrotte Bond with a net, but they both end up falling out the arse-end of the plane. James loses a show, but returns to the cockpit in time to prevent Kara piloting the plane into a mountain. He crash-lands in Pakistan - somehow close to both Karachi and Islamabad. * Bond heads to Whittaker’s playroom to tie up a few loose ends. Whittaker has a lot of toys, including a remote-control cannon! Bond kills Whittaker, and then kills a witticism. Then, after all this work Dalton does to instil some realness in Bond, the idea of a Kara Milovy World Tour stretches the film’s credibility to breaking point! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Q restricted to London duties!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we return to the safety of EON films so the Broccoli Family can Roger us one Moore time as we Walk-ento “A View to a Kill”. * The pre-titles sequence is pre-empted by a legal disclaimer that strangely fails to warn the viewer about the upcoming Beach Boys sound-a-like. * Q and Bond discuss microchips as they try to avoid kicking a Floor-Droid. Moneypenny has disposed of Penelope Smallbone, and she is overjoyed to be invited to join the boys at the races. Tibbett (yes, MI6 have an equine expert) also attends. * Tibbett suggests Bond head to France to learn more about Zorin - the owner of a winning horse - so Bond is off to the Eiffel Tower! There he meets an incredibly French investigator. May Day kills Frenchie, and forces Bond to steal a car from an even Frencher guy - sacre bleu! * Bond and Tibbett head to Zorin’s chateau, disguised as a Lord and his manservant. They “pull a Kananga” in order to sneak around - discovering Zorin’s vials and microchips and henchmen. A couple of test tubes is all Bond needs to join the dots on Zorin’s horse-cheating. * Bond makes a move on Mayday, and - presumably as an act of revenge - Mayday kills Tibbett. After a little horseplay, Zorin tries to drown 007, but a tired Bond is saved by his prehensile tongue. * Zorin’s blimp arrives at San Francisco, with Bond mystifyingly close behind. James tries to buy some crabs, but ends up with just a steaming cup of exposition. After 007 sifts through this information, he decides to sneak up on Stacey in the shower. * Bond uses an a-SALT rifle to save Stacey, before whisking her eggs. A quick trip to City Hall reveals Zorin’s genius does not extend to naming Operations. Nevertheless, Zorin is able to find enough rum to give Bond and Stacey a hot shaft. * Bond and Stacey escape the flames, and are forced into a silly slapstick subplot involving San Francisco’s stupidest police. James hijacks one of Zorin’s trucks, allowing he and Stacey to sneak into the mine. * Zorin goes a bit mental, killing most of his henchmen. Bond saves Stacey, and then works with May Day to prevent Zorin’s master plan from coming to fruition. Enraged, Zorin uses his getaway-blimp to sneak up on Stacey, but Bond is able to hang from a rope - just as the film’s credibility hangs by a thread. * Bond uses this rope to tie the blimp to some bridge, before throwing a flaccid Zorin into the Bay. Dr. Monocle tries to detonate Bond, but James is able to kill the remaining bad guys with their own bomb. * Bond receives the Order of Lenin but misses the ceremony. Once Roger realises that MI6 sent Q to see Bond shower, he throws in the towel. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have “The Spy Who Loved Me” officially registered as the best film of Roger’s reign.

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we risk the wrath of the Broccoli Mafia by straying from Eon Productions. Find out if Kevin McClory’s offer was one we should have refused in “Never Say Never Again”. * The pre-titles and the titles are efficiently merged. Sean’s face fills the screen before his cinematically-shot training mission goes awry. This results in an absolutely awful M sending 007 to detox. * The SPECTRE meeting shows they are no longer the Industry Leader. It seems their sole focus now is to repeatedly spell out the acronym - which seems to excite McClory far more than it should. SPECTRE sends #12 to assassinate Captain Jack in the most contrived way possible. * In a clear cry for help, Bond fills his rehab suitcase with contraband. Once at detox, Bond undergoes more colonics than one would think necessary. Then he is attacked by a henchman who is also a Count. Luckily Bond is able to give the noble thug a piss of his mind. * On Largo’s boat, the office doubles as a peep-show booth. He watches Domino dance for a bit, then zips up and heads out to give her a “Tears of Allah” pendant before threatening to slit her throat. Nice guy. * Before heading to the Bahamas, Bond visits Q’s lab. Unfortunately he only finds Algie - some degenerate cockney who tries to live vicariously through 007 anecdotes. In the Bahamas, Bond is greeted by his new offsider: Mr. Bean. * Bond and #12 go deep, and then head underwater. They swim with the sharks, but Bond is able to find safety in an unflattering pair of overalls. Luckily, when Bond’s hotel room explodes, he is still wearing protection. * Bond chases Largo to France, where he meets up with the best Felix yet. Bond sneaks into a spa to assault The Sister of the Guy Who Did the Thing. Domino tells 007 that Largo will be at the casino that night, helping out some local orphan kids. * At the casino, Bond is coerced into competing against Largo at his own game. Domination is annoying to watch, and looks awful to play. But it is a whole lot easier to watch than Bond telling Domino about her brother’s death during a ballroom dance. * Bond jumps on his motorcycle and chases #12 around town. She eventually traps him, and becomes a plot device enabling Bond to use his pen gun. Thankfully, this contrivance allows Bond to kill her before he and Felix strip down to their underwear. * Bond pops up on Largo’s boat a little early for their lunch date. Largo captures Bond, but lets his prisoner wander free on the boat. This lax approach has many negative consequences for Largo. He responds by locking Bond in a tower, and giving Domino a spit-bridge kiss before putting her on the auction block. * Bond escapes, rescues Domino, and kills a horse. Back on the boat, M uses the intercom to sexily serenade Bond and Domino. Bond realises Domino’s pendant is a clue - so it is time to bust out the jetpacks! * A too-long gunfight scene leads to an underwater sequence in a saltwater drinking well. Before all that swimming killed Connery’s hairpiece, Domino (she is an agent now?) shows up to kill Largo. * While the epilogue usually shows the viewer that Bond is never completely safe, this time the final scene puts the viewer in danger. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Kevin McClory locked in a room for an interrogation by Col!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, Roger offers a history lesson on India’s colonial past! Enjoy our first ever pre-titles sequence as we try to out-do Bond for schoolboy humour, and join our short stay on a sapphic island in “Octopussy”. * A pre-titles sequence everyone enjoys sets us up for what we can only assume is the all-time high of Rita Coolidge’s career: yet another Bond ballad. * Agent 009 learns that a clown costume is the worst possible outfit for a midnight chase through the jungle. Then, we meet the new M when Bond gives a crash course in Faberge Eggs. * Orlov defies the wishes of his frenemies and presses on with his plan to conquer Europe. Part One of this plan? Sending Kamal to a jewelry auction. Bond is meant to walk on eggshells but bids big; Kamal keeps his cool and shells out for the egg. * In India, Bond heads straight for the casino to play his signature game… backgammon? Bond brings sexy back with a no-look roll, as he and Kamal eventually come face-to-face. This cheekiness is swiftly punished with a tuk-tuk chase - which includes a quick lesson on the cultural delights of the subcontinent. * Bond visits Q’s makeshift lab for terrible one-liners and schoolboy nonsense. Bond’s date with Kamal’s girl leads to Magda shows Bond her octopussy, then taking a walk of shame right off the balcony - upon which Gobinda comes out of the shadows to have his way with James. * Bond’s imprisonment in Kamal’s castle leads to nice suits and fine dining. Refusing to put up with this outrageous treatment, James breaks out of his cell and catches a hint of exposition. Bond quickly realises the only way out of this fortress is to hide in a bodybag until he is taken out with the next truckload of corpses. * An unconvincing zombie impression gives James enough room to escape into the jungle.This is hard viewing even before the vine swing is ruined with Tarzan’s awful audio. * Bond’s colleague Vijay is demoted to massuese, while Octopussy’s ladies-only island outrages James. Bond heads for this island paradise, and Octopussy quickly wraps her tentacles around him. Kamal arrives and is angered by Bond’s nasty habit of surviving, so heads off to hire some henchmen at the cantina. Unlike Vijay, James is able to escape the circular saw yo-yo. * Bond follows Octopussy and Kamal to Germany, where he learns that Orlov and Kamal are double-crossing Octopussy by switching precious jewels with an atomic payload. Bond kills a few henchmen before Orlov dumps exposition all over him. Bond’s knowledge of the full plan leads to driving a car on the train tracks, and then spending time on, in, and under a train. SPECTRE Etc has plenty of questions about these scenes, but Col has all the answers! * James jumps from the train and once more flees through a jungle. Bond arrives at the circus and spends a good half hour putting on clown makeup. It turns out that Col is also our go-to man for questions about painting one’s own head. * Bond infiltrates the circus but no one takes the clown seriously. Octopussy steals a policeman’s gun to shoot at the bomb; then James defuses it the old-fashioned way. * Everyone zooms back to India for a circus-style sneak attack, before Bond’s horse catches up to Kamal’s plane. Bond brings down the plane, then lets Octopussy nurse him back to health. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Gobinda officially renamed The Turbanator!

Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we catch MacGuffin Mania in a quest to get back our ATAC! Join us for this Winter Games extravaganza, as we watch James Bond do stunt after stunt that are clearly beyond Roger Moore in “For Your Eyes Only”. * We open with Please-Don’t-Call-Me-Blofeld hijacking a helicopter that is carrying Bond! This bald villain offers James a brand new delicatessen, but Bond is looking forward to a SPECTRE-free future. * Bond takes the morning train into Sheena Easton’s sleepy song, before being briefed on this film’s macguffin - the ATAC. Meanwhile, Melina meets her parents at sea - who are immediately slaughtered right in front of her. * A quintessential 1980s pool party - complete with totem tennis and awful music - brings Bond to Spain. He is captured, but Melina gatecrashes the party with her crossbow, allowing Bond to escape. The plan is to leave in the Lotus, but an explosive anti-theft device forces a change in plans. * Bond and Melina flee in the Definitely-A-Bond-Car Citroen. Once Bond has had his way with criticising her driving, his hands are free to take control of this canary-yellow car. They escape, and Bond hypocritically warns Melina against seeking revenge. * Bond and Q use the Identigraph to lock sights on Locke. This information sends Bond to Italy, where he meets Ferrara and Kristatos and Bibi. Kristatos tells Bond not to trust Columbo - but because Kristatos thinks Bond should chaperone Bibi, we know not to trust Kristatos. * Melina visits a local crossbow store - which, from how the coach driver “protected” her, seems like a smart purchase for a lady travelling alone in this part of the world. Bond gets a taste of the other side of sexual harassment when Bibi tries to seduce him. Thankfully (for all), Uncle James offers to buy her an ice-cream instead. * Eric the biathlete gives Bibi the stinkeye before a ski chase through a chalet and down a bobsled track. Then, an unnecessary scene at the ice hockey rink ensures all the Winter Games are covered. * The plot grinds to a halt as Bond and Melina walk us through some of Greece’s cultural heritage. The action kicks back in when Bond goes home with Contessa Brosnan - who he beds, of course. This turns out as well for this Contessa as bedding Bond did for Contessa Teresa in OHMSS. * Columbo brings Bond onside by poking fun at his physique, and these new partners head off to detonate the warehouse where Kristatos keeps his big spherical balls.. Bond tries a taste of raw opium and subsequently is able to zoom up a big flight of stairs at superhuman speed and kick Locke’s car off a cliff. * Bond and Melina meet underwater, then head for the shipwreck to retrieve the ATAC. In a clamp-heavy scene, Bond has to fight for freedom from a few foes. Kristatos captures and then keel-hauls the couple across the coral, but Bond is able to cut the cable. * Bond just happens to be an unbelievably impressive rock-climber for such an old man, so he is able to sneak up to the mountaintop monastery where Kristatos is waiting to meet Russian M. Bond ignores the big villain and instead has his big showdown with one of the henchman. Thankfully, Columbo is able to kill Kristatos, saving Melina from the satisfying resolution of avenging her parents’ murder. * Bond throws the ATAC off the cliff, then chooses skinny-dipping over taking a call from the Prime Minister. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Max the Parrot replace JW Pepper as Bond’s best-known sidekick!

Moonraker - “Just Contact Our Lawyer” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this rant-filled episode, we follow Bond for a race to Outer Space (with hasty pit stops in California and Venice and Brazil). Along the way, we will dissect and then reassemble the Frankenstein of a film that is Moonraker. * A space shuttle is hijacked, Bond is thrown out of a plane without a parachute, and the menacing henchman Jaws returns! And all that happens in the pre-titles sequence!! Prepare yourself for a high-adrenaline adventure! * Bassey is back for the song, but it appears she has not been fully thawed-out. Her low-energy number can’t be saved by some sub-standard silhouettes, and all the heat goes out of that great opening sequence. * Bond is tasked with recovering the hijacked shuttle, so he is given a wristy pistol and is sent to California. There he meets a man named Drax and a lady (a lady doctor, if you can believe it!) named Holly. * Years fall away from Bond’s face as Chang has him going around in circles. To recover, James breaks into Corrin’s room with plans to penetrate. Once inside the safe, Bond finds what he needs and plans to leave. Drax aims to assassinate Bond, before killing Corrin. * James visits a glass factory that is (rather inconveniently, it would seem) located in Venice. This leads to one of the worst attempts on Bond’s life so far in the series, and somehow this scene goes downhill from there! After surprising the people in the Piazza with a gondola on wheels, James turns Chang into a cartoon character. * All of this commotion brings M to Venice. He gives Bond some MORE time off (do some work for once, James!), and then sends him to Rio. Tough life, being an agent... * Between Carnivale and the cable-cars, an increasingly-feckless Jaws is unable to kill Bond. Just when we are worried that this great henchman is losing his edge, Jaws goes and falls in love. Speechless, senseless, love! * Bond turns cowboy for a few baffling minutes that include a science lesson in a monastery. Then, like all good cowboys, James is off on a speedboat chase - this time through the jungles of Brazil! * Deep in the jungle, Bond forgets about the mission and starts following a beautiful girl. This helps him to accidentally stumble upon Drax’s lair. Everyone gathers to watch Bond beat a snake, before Drax blasts off. * Bond and Holly jump in one of the other rockets and give chase - demonstrating classic zero-gravity acting along the way. They make short work of taking over the space station before the showdown with Drax. A brief chat about eugenics is enough to turn Jaws into a good guy, and soon enough we have a Space Laser Battle! * “Space Laser Battle” is not as exciting as it sounds, as it turns out. During this battle, Drax is mercifully sent out into space before explosions start to destroy the space station. Bond and Holly try to escape, but need Jaws to help release their space shuttle. Jaws, ever the gentleman, obliges. * Bond and Holly try not to look too bored as they hurtle through space to prevent the apocalypse. Once Bond gets his shot away, he realises he is on camera. James gives Her Majesty a wink, and gets back to work. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to re-shoot the “Wuthering Heights” music video - this time with Kate Bush running through the woods as rabid dogs chase her down!

The Spy Who Loved Me - “Scrotal Imprint” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this Egyptian episode, we join Bond on his XXX-rated mission to retrieve microfilm from the Jaws of defeat. Ignore that floating Lotus - let us wet-bike you to Atlantis and beyond as we strive to find an original premise in The Spy Who Loved Me. * The pre-titles sequence introduces Agent XXX before we’re off to the Austrian Alps to watch Bond pull out. Some nice skiing stunts show us the strength that can be found in silence (no slide-whistles here!). Then we ignore Carly Simon’s sleepy song to focus once more on what those silhouettes are up to. * Some subs are missing, so Bond is brought in to chase up a lead in Egypt. Bond rides a camel across the desert before dismounting at a friend’s tent. Fear not though - more humps are in Bond’s future as some 70s sex-slavery convinces Bond to pitch his own tent for the night. * Bond’s visit to Cairo involves some unconvincing fighting on a rooftop and the obligatory Pyramids trip. Here we get to see Jaws kill a man who - apparently - was already completely drained of blood. * Microchip negotiations begin, but this is interrupted when Kolba is killed in phone booth. Bond and Anya join forces to follow Jaws - who kidnaps them and heads off into the desert. * Bond and Agent Anya are forced to work together to retrieve the microchip and escape Jaws. On the boat back to Cairo, Bond tries to get his leg over - but Anya honeypots herself out of harm’s way. She is sent right back into harm’s way when Russian M demands the agents officially work together to chase the next lead at Stromberg Laboratories. * For some reason, Bond and Anya catch a train from Egypt to Sardinia. This leaves them open to an ambush by Jaws - who is hiding in Anya’s closet! Despite the astounding hand:face ratio in the ensuing fight, Bond manages a shocking victory. * Bond and Anya pose as Marine Biologists to visit Stromberg. The brief (and seemingly pointless) meeting gives us our first real look at Atlantis, and then our Marine Biologists are abruptly sent back to the mainland. * A really exciting chase sequence builds from a motorcycle to a car to a helicopter, and climaxes with a submarine-Lotus. Elon Musk - if you are listening and would like to licence our “Float-us” idea, get in touch! * Once Bond and Anya actually infiltrate Atlantis, the film takes a turn for the worse by becoming little more than a drawn-out imitation of You Only Live Twice (huge vessel swallowing another vessel, control room behind the shutters, one army storming the lair of another army, evil plan is to start a war between two nations…). Come on, Lewis Gilbert - no wonder the Revenge of the Nerds protagonists were able to usurp your name! * With nameless nobodies dying all around him, Bond finds a copy of “Nuclear Subs for Dummies” and uses the easy-to-follow instructions to reprogram the launch coordinates for both submarines * Bond tracks down Stromberg for an anticlimactic showdown, before running into Jaws for the real final battle. Despite the odds being against him, Bond is rewarded for all those childhood years playing Skilltester at the arcade. * Once Jaws has eaten his daily intake of Omega-3 acids, we finish the film with Bond throwing out a quintessential “Double 0-ntendre”, followed by curtains and the most mind-boggling musical miscue imaginable. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to expose and immortalize this film’s lazy rehashing of a previous Bond adventure by re-naming it “You Only Live Thrice”!

The Man with the Golden Gun - “The Nipple Dispenser” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we ponder the confluence of factors that has brought together the unholy trinity of Roger Moore, Guy Hamilton, and JW Pepper. Thankfully this mess is saved by Christopher Lee’s superb Scaramanga. Join us as we jump on his junk to journey through a melange of Asian cultures in The Man with the Golden Gun. * The pre-titles sequence provides an opportunity to push through a long list of poorly-thought-through puns. The comedy turns to horror when the titles sequence credits mention the Hamilton/Pepper combination. * Bond teaches the viewer much more than they could possibly need to know about Scaramanga, before once again abusing the far-too-generous leave allowances at MI6. * Now that Bond is off the clock, his first stop is a Middle-Eastern strip club. His much-less-glamorous second stop involves some Middle-Eastern laxatives. * Once that is out of his system, Bond makes his way to Macau to play some Travel Trouble at the casino. * In Hong Kong, Bond demonstrates how easy it is to break into any old hotel room you want. Then we learn the classy way to assault a lady is to offer her some post-traumatic champagne. * Bond narrowly avoids death at the Bottoms Up Club, before being whisked away to M’s crooked office aboard a shipwreck. * Bond leaves Hip to meet Hi Fat and Chew Mee - as Guy Hamilton does his best to cram in every cultural convention from the entire continent of Asian nations, including a completely unnecessary scene at a karate school. * Speaking of completely unnecessary parts of this film, once again a boat chase leads to us meeting up with Sheriff JW Pepper… Ugh. * Bond turns Goodnight into a pile of pillows, before forcing her to listen as he and Andrea come together. * Bond and Scaramanga finally meet at Thai kickboxing, which leads to one of the coolest Bond stunts (backed by the least-cool sound: a slide-whistle) before Scaramanga’s car flies away with Goodnight in the trunk. * Bond flies to Scaramanga’s island lair with three goals: rescue Goodnight, recover the Solex, and defeat Scaramanga. We applaud the film’s location scouts, we hypothesise that Scaramanga is a “dark side” version of Bond, and we consider the irony of Bond’s demise being potentially triggered by a bikini-clad bottom. * We finish on some junk - Bond packs one last assassin into a suitcase, before M mystifyingly calls Scaramanga’s direct line. Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #9: Guy Hamilton is not a skilled director. Matt has been pushing this barrow for almost the whole run of podcasts, and it would seem he has finally beaten the rest of SPECTRE Etc into submission. Formerly, Matt has railed against Hamilton speeding up footage unnecessarily, adding scenes that contribute nothing to the plot, and showing a lack of depth perception on the greenscreen. This film’s jarring mashup of menacing thriller and schoolboy farce is the last straw! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to force the Bottoms Up barmaid responsibilities to be limited to nothing more than cracking cans of beer! Worst Impersonation Trophy: After winning a couple of WITs since Connery left, Col bounces back by rattling off a series of excellent impersonations. Col masterfully mimics Goodnight, that little boy, and even Mrs Pepper… But then Col’s impersonation of Roger Moore negotiating has Col crashing back to Earth. Unfortunately Roger is going to be with us for a while - Col will have to stick to the co-stars!

Live and Let Die - “Double-0ntendres” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we warmly welcome a British icon to the Bond franchise. But enough about Paul McCartney, let’s meet Roger Moore - our third James Bond in three films. Join us for our voyage into voodoo as we jump the crocodile and explore why Moore is less. * The pre-titles sequence is a pre-Roger sequence, so it is good fun for all concerned. Paul McCartney’s classic song completes what is a very exciting introduction to this film. * The producers seem to have learnt from the way they shoved Lazenby’s casting down our throat, and Moore’s introduction is nicely underplayed. Unfortunately the coffee-making scene is terribly overplayed. * Bond takes us on a woefully inaccurate tour of New York City (Don’t get on the FDR!) and then the Pimpmobile to Harlem. Before Bond buys a 70 cent cheeseburger, he is captured - allowing him to wander around a Rec Room and meet Solitaire and Tee-Hee (the one-and-a-half-armed man). * After a brief meeting with Mr Big, Bond escapes and follows Kananga to the Caribbean. At the resort, Bond meets Mrs. Bond - a fairly useless agent whose only real achievement is that she held that particular title longer than anyone else has managed (sorry, Contessa Teresa). * Quarrel Jr makes a confusing appearance and helps Bond break into Kananga’s house - allowing James to very creepily manipulate Solitaire into giving up her virginity, and therefore her magical powers. Bond, however, hangs on to his magical powers, and turns a double-decker bus into a single-decker bus. * Back on the mainland, Bond foolishly returns to the Fillet of Soul - where he is again captured. We learn that Mr Big and Kananga are the same person, and this person sends Bond to “The Farm” for a very cool stunt - the crocodile jump! * As if a ten-minute boat chase isn’t doing enough to weaken the film, the completely-out-of-context JW Pepper is introduced to completely ruin the viewing experience. * We return to Kananga’s island - where the voodoo show stretches credibility before all that business with the gas pellet does away with the idea of believability altogether. * The film ends on a train, where Bond disarms Tee-Hee, but doesn’t notice Baron Samedhi on the cow-catcher! Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #8: Time stops for no man, but it seems to stop for Bond. Yet again, Bond is on a time-sensitive mission to save the world - and yet again, he has time to pause mid-mission to woo the ladies! Scuba sex with Domino, hillside hugs with Kissy, and now a passionate picnic with Rosie… Get back to work James! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to crown Sheriff JW Pepper as the most annoying character in the entire Bondiverse! Worst Impersonation Trophy: Col manages to throw in his JW Pepper (a good ol’ boy from The South) when trying to impersonate a Harlem cab driver - two characters from VERY different worlds. Now that Connery has left, Col needs to expand his impersonation game!

Diamonds are Forever - “Guy Hamilton Magic” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we welcome Sean Connery back to the title role as he takes his chances in Las Vegas. * The pre-titles sequence shows Sean beating up people around the world before finally coming face to face with Blofeld (who looks frustratingly similar to a Bond ally from an earlier film). Bond disarms Blofeld’s highly-trained security detail and drowns #1 in a big bath of number two. * The titles music is sleepy, but the lyrics are suggestive! Then the movie opens with a probably-still-mourning Bond visiting MI6, as his co-workers show very little sympathy. * Our deconstruction of the relationship between Wint & Kidd leads to the obligatory Back to the Future reference. After this, Moneypenny’s hypothetical backstory is debated before we catch a hovercraft to Holland. This new location gives Cam the chance to crowbar in an Anne Frank joke or two. * Once we determine the different avenues through which one could get a load of diamonds into a stomach, we are blessed with some real Guy Hamilton GangstersTM. A cremating coffin comes close to killing Bond, but fake diamonds let him off the hook. * We see Plenty O’Toole land in the Whyte House pool, before director Guy Hamilton wastes 10 minutes of our time at Circus Circus and then baffles us by killing O’Toole in yet another pool. Blow up your pants, Hamilton! * Bond breaks into WW Enterprises, gathers information, then escapes into the Nevada desert in a moon buggy. Naturally. Along the way, Cam takes off his doctor hat to don his science goggles - and we all learn something about radiation shields. * That awful desert chase sequence leads to a pretty cool car chase through the streets of Las Vegas. Unfortunately all the damage caused by Bond’s disregard for the laws of physics leads to him being placed under (Whyte) House arrest. * Bond scales a wall to distance himself from the fishbowl sofabed. Upon reaching the penthouse, he lands on what may or may not be a wooden toilet. Bond leaves the bathroom to meet two blokes who are both Blofeld! James kicks the wrong cat, and that is that. * Ordered to kill Bond, Wint & Kidd leave James in a pipeline buried in the desert. Bond escapes with ease, and returns to Vegas. Blofeld is fooled into revealing the whereabouts of the real Willard Whyte, and James joins the CIA on the rescue mission. * Tiffany (somehow) spots Blofeld in drag, so ends up on his oilrig. From this rig, Blofeld can control his Space Laser - though his delegation of tasks among his henchmen could be smarter. Meanwhile, Bond has arrived to save the day as Tiffany descends into dimwittedness. * Bond takes Tiffany on a cruise ship to celebrate, but Wint & Kidd are onboard! Thankfully, they are no longer incredibly skilled and effective assassins, so Bond is able to send them overboard pretty easily. Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #7: SPECTRE has no retirement package? This was first suggested by the old lady working the tollbooth in Goldfinger, and is confirmed by the old lady smuggling diamonds in this film. If you manage to survive working for SPECTRE long enough to reach old age, they sure aren’t about to put you out to pasture. Blofeld will find something for you to do! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to replace all ferries with hovercrafts! Worst Impersonation Trophy: Excited by Sean’s return, Benso forgets he has yet to do an even-nearly-acceptable Connery impersonation. So he winds up with what we are promised will be a “thick Scottish” accent, but then delivers a pretty broad Aussie inflection on every vowel. Better luck next time, Benso! Contact Us: Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service - “Licence to Kilt” Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, it is “Sayonara Sean!” as the only Bond we’ve ever known is re-cast. George Lazenby is not the only new thing about this Bond - our cold-hearted spy now has all sorts of feelings! Join our journey on George’s emotional rollercoaster in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. * The pre-titles sequence (slowly) reveals a new Bond smashing through the fourth wall. Then the titles sequence (subtly) works to ensure we know that - even without Connery - this is still a Bond film. * Draco’s henchmen (or are they matchmakers?) do their best to help Bond and Tracy come together. * We are heartened by Bond finally asking Moneypenny on an actual date, before we are dismayed by his little tantrum. But Bond brings us back onboard by falling in love with Tracy using the magic of montage! * Bond’s new safecracker seems a step backward from the previous film, but DOES allow him time to check Playboy’s new direction. * Bond arrives in Switzerland - undercover as Hillary Bray - and jumps in Irma’s sleigh. At Piz Gloria he sees many beautiful “clients” of the “allergy institute” before he and Blofeld meet! For the first time? It seems that way. But why is that? * Bond’s alter-ego Hilly is having a great time with the ladies, but our thoughts are with poor Tracy waiting at home for her lover to return. * Bond is caught by Blofeld and stuffed into the cable-car gears room. Bond escapes this not-really-a-prison in what is so very nearly a great scene. * Bond heads off down the hill, incognito in powder-blue leggings. Just when all seems lost, he is saved by Tracy. This involves the grand Swiss traditions of a demolition derby on ice, and proposing marriage in a barn. * Bond again has to ski for safety, but Blofeld triggers an avalanche and captures Tracy. MI6 are no help, so Bond asks “Father of the Year” Draco to help him mount a rescue attempt. Draco saves his daughter by punching her in the face, while Blofeld battles Bond in bobsleds before branching off. * A odd bunch of people gather for Bond’s wedding, before Bond opens his honeymoon with some light deflowering action. Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #5: Connery can’t play romance We recite Connery’s entire acting resume (as we know it) and reach the obvious conclusion - as good an actor as Sean is, he does not take romantic roles. Harrison Ford, Nicholas Cage, a submarine… Connery avoids female co-stars! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Lazenby’s hometown of Goulburn honour the great man by erecting a “Big George” right there with the Big Merino. Worst Impersonation Trophy: About two hours in, Col is concerned about Draco and M having a casual chat at the wedding. The rest of us are concerned about Col attempting a “Godfather” accent that comes out closer to bronchitis than Brando... Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

You Only Live Twice - “Two-Ply Walls” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this episode, we watch as Bond says goodbye to the Bahamas of “Thunderball” and konichiwa to Japan as Roald Dahl’s screenplay for “You Only Live Twice” opens the door for so very many racist undertones. And overtones. * The pre-titles sequence takes place in outer space with reasonable special effects. This has us cautiously (foolishly, as it turns out) optimistic for the blue-screening ahead of us. * We have had enough of the Bond franchise trying to fool us with yet another “Is Bond dead?” sequence. When Bond’s corpse is reanimated and returned to dry land, he heads to a sumo match and tells the first girl he sees that he loves her. * Bond visits Henderson, but our focus is on the real-world practicality of paper walls. How would you hang art on those walls? Or stick up posters? Or maintain a prison system? * Col enjoys the way Bond breaks into a safe, though not probably as much as he enjoys realising that 20 years ago he was close to this filming location. * Bond meets Tiger Tanaka, who divides opinion. Cam is happy to be startled by Tanaka’s secret sorting slide, but Matt thinks this sort of thing is beyond the pale. Meanwhile, Tanaka’s personal train has us all wondering how things would be if everyone had their own train. The bath-house that innuendo built, which is full of Tanaka’s sexiful possessions, turns us into giggling schoolboys. * Bond is checked for weapons at Osato Chemicals, teaching us all a lot about how x-rays work. And then we are off to the docks! Bond is taken captive (briefly) before escaping from the plane he was left sitting in. * Little Nellie joins the team, which leads us to a volcano lair, which leads us to Blofeld! Just when we are getting all excited about Bond getting into the volcano lair, we are forced to sit through 20 wasted minutes of Bond becoming “a Japanese”. * Finally, the film snaps back into action with Bond taking his pig-faced bride to explore Blofeld’s volcano lair! Cam considers finally seeing the face of this supervillain to be the “Blofeld money shot” he has been waiting for. * During the film’s big climax, we get stuck on what seems like an odd criticism for a film - there are just too many cameras. Yet again, Bond finishes his adventure in a boat with a girl - this time though, we get to see Moneypenny cockblocking Bond! Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #5: SPECTRE is the industry leader. Benso has been pushing this idea for a few episodes now, and finally Col is convinced. Whether it is using live humans in their weapon-testing facilities, or issuing agents with cyanide pills, or even leaving enemy combatants in escapable situations; you can be sure that SPECTRE did it first, and MI6 later followed. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to solve road-based traffic jams by giving everyone their own train! Worst Impersonation Trophy: Col does a pretty reliable Connery, and a reasonable Japanese accent, but once Bond “becomes a Japanese”, Col has to combine these accents to have a Scottish inflection on “Arigato” - this just seems a bridge too far for his impressive impersonating skills! Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

Thunderball - “A Fleshy Mechanism” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week, we follow the fun of “Goldfinger” with a Caribbean Crusade as James attempts to dominate Domino while finding Largo’s cargo in “Thunderball”. * Viewer Fatigue sets in with yet another “Is Bond dead” pre-titles sequence, before we decide that Jones ain’t no Bassey. * Matt gushes about the design of SPECTRE’s meeting room. * Bond’s bath-house battle with Lippe is bookended by a bad back-and-forth between Bond and his physio. * We are generally impressed by Largo’s plan to steal the atomic weapons. * Our look at the MI6 meeting room affirms SPECTRE’s status as the Industry Leader. * We follow James to Nassau, where Ryan marvels at Bond’s impressive effort at the casino, before revealing Connery’s flawed Shark-Safety System.. * Off to Junkanoo (“The Festival of the Pissing Dog”) for a mystifying escape by Bond. * James and Domino engage in scuba sex session, before Bond’s victory over Vargas. * We do our best to push through what must be the longest underwater fight sequence ever recorded. * Bond saves the day - refusing to let the world’s worst bluescreening get in his way - before being skyhooked to safety! Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #4: Pants on? Research. No pants? Not research. A very important in-house rule is set in stone when Cam declares that anything done online while pantsless is not able to be counted as research. Bad news for Col; good news for Ryan! And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to get those jetpacks onto Amazon! Worst Impersonation Trophy: While he was not technically impersonating a character, Col’s attempt to “hum” the way the title song uses elements of the Bond theme was definitely this episode’s worthy WIT winner! Col may do a pretty good Connery, but it appears he should stay away from impersonating musical instruments. Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

Goldfinger - “Scooby-Doo Style” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week we continue the fun we had watching “From Russia with Love” by joining James for a roll in Auric’s hayshed in the third 007 outing: “Goldfinger”. We follow Bond’s journey from the Fountainebleau in Miami - where he sends Dink on her way with an Oscar-winning slap - back to London for his meeting with Goldfinger at the golf course. And then we are off to Europe, where Bond shreds up Tilly’s undercarriage before doubling his contribution to the Masterson family’s grief. Next, we see Bond’s undercarriage get a little close to being shredded by Goldfinger’s laser, before we fly to the US (justifying MI6 spending all that time and money on the American parking meters) to meet Pussy Galore. The actors who play Auric’s gangster buddies give us all a lesson in subtlety and nuance, and then we break into Fort Knox to irradiate some gold. Along the way, we wonder why MI6 can’t afford to make ALL windows on the DB5 bulletproof, we list Bond’s many electrical one-liners he could (should?) have used, we compare this film to both Scooby Doo and The Simpsons, and we spend far longer than you’d think possible on seagull snorkels. Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #3: To determine who is responsible for an explosion, simply look for the man wearing a tuxedo, the one not joining the screaming masses leaving the building. We note that this is the second time Bond sets off a bomb in a public place, and then just calmy swans about in his tuxedo, ignoring the crowd of people rushing from the site of the explosion. We here at SPECTRE Etc will let the appropriate authorities know, saving them hours of investigating. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have SPECTRE recognised as an industry leader! Worst Impersonation Trophy: Ryan has blown the competition away by somehow - as correctly pointed out by Matt - confusing the suave Scottish spy James Bond with that mid-90s sex pest The Mask. Is there no limit to how badly Ryan can impersonate Connery? Somebody stop him! Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

From Russia with Love - “One-Way Window” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. This week we follow up the overwhelming success of our Dr. No podcast with a hilarious ride through Bond’s second film: From Russia with Love. After exploring possible explanations for that baffling pre-titles sequence (Why does that henchman need to wear a mask? Could the audience even see anything in the dark?), we meet Bond - who is with a girl in a little boat. Then we follow the circular journey our hero takes to wind up with a different girl, in a different little boat. Along the way, we query who is running the finances over there at SPECTRE, we diplomatically discuss the authenticity of the film’s representation of gypsy culture, we complain about climaxing too early, and we spend far longer than you’d think possible on talcum powder. Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #2: We will never produce a list where we rank Bond women. Despite Cameron “often thinking about” creating a “hypothetical” list - that he would never actually create in the real world - it is stated very firmly that this is a slippery slope down which we will not slide. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to have Rosa Klebb officially listed as a Bond Girl! Worst Impersonation Trophy: Matt shows the world why he is usually so reluctant to try his hand at impersonating foreign accents (we thought it was cultural sensitivity that keeps him so restrained) with an attempt at Rosa Klebb’s mother tongue that is very hard to listen to. Was it from eastern Pakistan, or was it closer to northern Europe? Whatever it was, it was the very worthy winner of this episode’s WIT. Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com

Dr. No - “Hardcore Innuendo” Summary: Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. Of course, our opening episode revolves around Dr. No - Bond’s cinematic premiere. We follow Bond from winning big at baccarat, to the greengrocers up that mountain. Once Bond is finished with Taro, he is off for adventures with the Crab Key dragon, which leads to the tragedy of his boat running out of fuel (How will he fill that tank?) in the middle of the Caribbean. We question the veracity of Puss Feller’s reputation as an alligator wrestler, we reverse engineer Dr. No’s dragon tank, we critique Bond’s inability to use sleight-of-hand to palm something from a table on the quiet, and we spend far longer than necessary on Connery’s hairpiece. History is made when we state the first Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT): Bond is sterile. The radioactivity of Crab Key, combined with the ineffectiveness of the conveyor-belt shower, has rendered Bond unable to procreate. While this does mean the end of the Bond name (except for his nephew - James Bond, Jr.) for all time, it does allow our hero a free pass to fall for all the Honeypots SPECTRE can throw at him. And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to rename Crab Key to what it SHOULD be known as: Dragon Key. Contact Us: Facebook: facebook.com/SPECTREetcpodcast/ Twitter: @SPECTREpodcast Email: SPECTREpodcast@outlook.com