That's Not How I'd Do It

What do you give a man who has it all? Trick question! You don't give him anything. You take it away and make him start over, rebuilt in the #SNOTBOYZ image. Look out Elon, we're going to turn you from Bruce Wayne billionaire playboy into George Clooney wearing a rubber nipple suit Batman! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to the Oracle of Omaha for being a loving husband to two wives.

This episode we tackle John Kramer, AKA the Jigsaw killer. Star of Saw, Saw 2, Saw 3, Saw 4, Saw 5, Saw 6, and the titular character in Jigsaw. Here are some choice excerpts from his wikipedia entry: "By Saw III, John is on his death bed and extremely concerned over whether or not Amanda has what it takes to continue his legacy, as the traps she designs are inescapable." "After explaining that this is Jeff's final test of forgiveness, Jeff slices John's throat with a power saw." "Saw IV opens with John's autopsy, during which a wax-coated tape is found in his stomach." "More flashbacks set prior to the events of the first film reveal that John targeted health insurance executive William Easton for one of his games, because he had denied two-thirds of all applicants health coverage, due to a flawed policy, including John himself." Cool right? If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to all of our accomplices.

Grab yourself some hot chocolate and join us by the fire at the base of K2 for a "typical campfire scenario." The scariest part of this episode is the way James uses a sleeping bag. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to all the teenagers who have died to maintain suspense.

"Down vith children! Do them in! Boil their bones and fry their skin! Bish them, sqvish them, bash them, mash them! Brrreak them, shake them, slash them, smash them!" -Roald Dahl

Hello boils and ghouls, and welcome to another episode of Bats Not Howl I’d Boo It, the podcast where we find the spookiest problems in the world today, argue over what went wrong, and make them even scarier! Today, we take tour of a haunted house and see if we can afford the MORGUE-age. If not we may need to look in a more affordable SLAY-borhood! Hee hee hee hee hee!!! This week we'd like to apologize to Sam's brother-in-law, Greg.

The Snot Boyz are back (alright!), and also want you back, as long as you don't go breaking our snotty little hearts by saying bye bye bye. This week we look into what a boy band marketed to 30-somethings would be like. Spoiler: amazing.

Today we celebrate Labor Day by waking up late, dropping our kids off to school, and burning down the Walton family yacht. Happy Labor Day!

Dear Sir or Madam, Apologies for the delay in getting this podcast to you. For the past month, we've been stuck in a "quick morning meeting." Please see attached for the bullet points. Sincerely, THE SNOTBOYZ If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to the mail room, for delivering James's amazon packages.

Never know how much I love you / Never know how much I care / When you put your net around me / I get a world cup fever that's so hard to bear / You give me fever / When you kick me / Fever when you dribble me tight / Fever / In the scoring, a fever all through the IT'S WORLD CUP TIME AND I'VE GOT THE FEVER SWEATS!

Happy Father's Day! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to our wonderful dads. We promise to take out the trash right after this episode. We miss you, Mike.

Sometimes we talk about things that aren't funny. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to the gun control activists who are actually fighting for some real change in the world.

Good evening! Do you have a moment to talk about the Haboo, the God with Two Heads? What is that? Pesto? Smells amazing. I sincerely hope I'm not interrupting. I promise that just a few minutes of your time today could change your life for the better. Or it maybe for the worse. It's really not my place to say. Alls I know is that I have this ski mask and this baseball bat here, and it'd be a real shame if I didn't make my conversion quota today. I'm not saying it's gonna turn out bad for you, I'm just saying that misfortune has a real way of following me around. What can I say. It's my "curse" or something. Anyway, I'm gonna practice my swing over here in the living room and you give it some thought. Take your time. I've got all day. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to Saint Alanis.

As fortune and misfortune continue their back and forth struggle forever, James decides it's time to set up the Church of Haboo and make a tidy profit, Sam receives an unwanted call, and Jared is...well...Jared. Step forth into part two of our three part groundbreaking series on religion as we discuss what goes into making a Church for Habuism.

In the beginning Haboo created the Heavens and the Earth and a dope casino. Darkness was over the surface of all that crud, and Haboo was hovering over it thinking, "I need to put a buffet up in this bish." And Haboo said, “Let it be lit,” and it was super fucking lit. Lil Pump was playing. People were dabbing. Michael B. Jordan had the Killmonger haircut and was making out with everyone. The opioid crisis was over. There was even free IN-N-OUT. Damn. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to the two-headed dragon god.

I'll be honest with you guys, I just haven't been feeling like my usual podcast-self recently. Same routine week-in, week-out; I don't really like getting beers with the other podcasts after work but I feel obligated to; I might be in a bit of a slump. What's a podcast to do? It's not like I can just pack it all up and discover my true self....or can I?

Cue incessant car noise! The snotboyz hit the road this week on the way to a bachelor party. Did somebody order flapjacks??? If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to our very special bachelor boy.

LET'S GET PUMPED!!!!! This week we hit the weights and program the treadmill to the maximum shame setting. So get off your lazy ass, drink a protein shake, and give a quick spot while we do some serious heavy lifting - of the mind.... If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to the godfather of fitness, Jack LaLanne.

Welcome to the 90th Academy Awards, where we will bore you between nominees, award the wrong films, and allow people you don't really care about a national platform to thank their parents. Just kidding! We've fixed the Oscars, and without spoiling anything lets just say the Filmuminati is ready to blow your collective viewing minds.

Look at the world. Look at how we've left it. The planet is on fire. Democratic governments have become the lapdogs of the wealthy. The thirst for entertainment has become our only unifying value. Did you think it would turn out like this? Of course not. No one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A. It's like you're always stuck in second gear. When it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but I'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour. I'll be there for you like I've been there before. I'll be there for you 'cause you're there for me too. In the wreckage of this world, the only thing we have left is each other. God help us. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. Podcast the change you want to see in the world. A special thanks this week to Charlie Booker and Paul F. Tompkins.

Look at us! Look at us! Don't we look totally #blessed meditating on top of this volcano? Don't you wish your life was like our life? You should like us and like our other accounts too. Seriously, please like us. Like us! Thank you for liking us. Now go out and buy yourself the same shoes we're wearing so your friends will like you too. Could there be anything more important in life? Could there be anything else at all? If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to early youtube sensation Tay Zonday, for giving us Chocolate Rain.

We put our clones back in the closet so we can take a hard look at the great beyond, and try to figure out what nothingness really is. Space, is it the final frontier, or perhaps a really great place to hold a music festival? Fyre Festival organizers take note.

Uh, so, I was pretty hung over and wasn't feeling up to recording this week, then Sam wanted to get work done, and Jared wanted to get some rest. Long story short, we had our clones do this episode. To be totally honest, I haven't listened to it and have no idea what's on it. Apologies in advance. I dunno. Maybe we just call this one a mulligan. Anyway, we'll be back with the good shit next week. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special "thanks" this week to our guest hosts Sam 2, James 2, and Jard.

Who wants to be a millionaire? Listen to this episode and learn the secret! (hint: it helps if you're already super rich). This week we fix our personal finances, which might include everything from creating a universal basic income to restructuring higher education. Also, learn how to never pay billz again. This is probably the most useful show we've ever done, so if you want to get the most bang for your buck, you should listen to the very end to maximize the return on your investment. Or don't. Our show is free! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Warren Buffett, Jimmy Buffett's older, cooler brother.

New year, new us. The #SNOTBOYZ challenge each other to stick to their resolutions--for the most part. Jared might discourage Sam. Find out who commits to eating moldy steak if they don't follow one of their resolutions.

Ho ho ho, it's time to talk Santa. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to the elves.

The End Is Nigh! This week we find out what happens when we press the big red reset button and start from scratch. So tune in for some handy tips on surviving doomsday and thriving and in the post-apocalypse. Here's a hint: Do NOT invest in a house boat. Duck and cover friends - it's going to be a blast. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to R.E.M. We also feel fine.

Did the launch of Apple's iPhone X disappoint you? Do you long for the days of bold thinking and technological feats of engineering that used to define Steve Jobs' love child of a company? Have no fear: Apple has brought on the #SNOTBOYZ to infuse their special sauce into the next wave of product launches!

Take your finger off of that YouTube "Skip Ad" button and unblock your adblockers, because this week Margie Chidley joins us to fix advertising. You know, that stuff that you probably do everything in your power not to see every single day of the year that isn't Superbowl Sunday. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to the bots. You may have ruined facebook, but you sure know how to download podcasts.

Gobble gobble! This week we gobble the gobble out of the gobbling gobblers and then gobble all over the place and fall asleep. We're talking turkeys people! Wait, turkey-people? Maybe one day. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to our listeners for listening, the turkeys who sacrificed their lives for our dinner, and Tom Cruise, because, well, it wouldn't be right to name just one reason.

As everyone knows, the best way to hang out with people who aren't really your friends is to play a drinking game or two so you don't have to talk to them. The #SNOTBOYZ decide to make Sam more fun by coming up with a new drinking game that will make him more pleasant to be around.

B-B-B-Bonsai! B-B-B-Bonus! Here's a parody of the song "All The Small Things" that I just wrote: All the small trees / True care truth brings / I'll take one lift / Your ride best trip / Always I know / You'll be at my show / Watching / waiting / commiserating / Say it ain't so / I will not go / Turn the lights off / carry me home / Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na / Late night / come home / Work sucks / I know / She left me a bonsai tree by the stairs / Surprises let me know she cares / Say it ain't so / I will not go / Turn the lights off / carry me home / Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na / Say it ain't so / I will not go / Turn the lights off / carry me home / Keep your head still / I'll be your thrill / The night will go on / my little bonsai tree / Say it ain't so / I will not go / Turn the lights off / carry me home / Keep your head still / I'll be your thrill / The night will go on / The night will go on / My little bonsai tree If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com.

Last night we went trick-or-treating. Today our hands are shaking, our stomaches are in knots, and our teeth are falling out. Time to make some changes. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Andes Mints, for being the one good memory from our trip to the Olive Garden Resort.

To celebrate one year of That's Not How I'd Do It the #SNOTBOYZ decide to face their greatest fears! We turn ourselves into therapists to help each other overcome crippling terror. Episode four of our Halloween Spooktacular series. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to all our listeners, thanks for sticking with us, and we look forward to another year of improvements!

The Snotboy stared at me, a menacing grin on his face. He turned his head left, then right, then left again. He began to laugh. It was the laugh of someone who'd come complete unhinged. He held a bluetooth speaker in his gnarled hands. He pressed the play button and began to laugh. The theme song began to play. It was maddening. I felt so helpless. There was nothing I could do but look at my paws. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to MortdecaiX7 for writing this week's foundational text: The Basement. Check it out here: https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/rte8r/the_basement/

Dead. Sexy. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Tupac, for paving the way for Holo-James.

I scream, you scream, we all scream because we're getting our blood sucked by an immortal being that has no regard for human rights. For the month of October the #SNOTBOYZ are ignoring their fears and talking about the spookiest and most haunted topics that need improvement. First up: Vampires. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to all of our victims. Your blood keeps us alive.

Namaste. You look stressed. Go ahead and pop your earbuds in and let the dulcet tones of our voices massage your inner ear. Why? Because you deserve it. Go ahead and treat yourself to a nice long bath in our podcast. Let Sam's laughter rejuvenate you. And if you find yourself covered in spiders, don't panic. It's supposed to happen! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to those little fish that eat the dead skin off of our feet. We hope to one day return the favor.

Excuse me listener, if I gave you 20 dollars could you buy me the new J.K. Rowling book? I'm not allowed in the young adult section anymore. Oh and I'd also like an artisan cocktail and an autographed selfie with Jack Kerouac. I love Barnes and Noble, but after browsing some of these innovations, I was all like, Amazon who? Shelve this episode under self-help. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Arthur Hinds, the silent H in B&N.

Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up, don't be shy, there's nothing to be scared of here, nothing at all, we're just a bunch of really friendly, charming, hilarious, and definitely not at all creepy, CLOWNS! Wait, where are you going? Why is everyone running for the hills? Turn 'round, head on back! We seriously put a lot of work into this show for you. Why don't you respect our profession? We are dedicated artists whose purpose is to please! Well fellas, looks like another night with no audience. Want to go down to Main St. and stand under a street light and laugh into all hours of the night? I mean, nothing better to do, right?

"Rosebud..." Those were the last words on Charles Foster Kane's lips as the snowglobe dropped to the floor, shattering. A tear rolled down his face as he looked upon the crumpled diaper on the fireplace mantle. He let out his last breath. Alone amongst his sculptures in Xanadu... What did that last word mean? Find out on this week's episode, where we reboot Orson Welles' 1941 classic film as NETIZEN KANE 2.0! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Andy Serkis. There's nothing that you and hundreds of special effects artists can't do.

Happy Birthday! Congratulations listener, It's that time of year again. The time of year when we plan out Jared's Birthday several months in advance. This year he's turning 31 so we want it to be extra special. Because you only turn 31 once. After this episode I think we will all agree that is a very good thing. TBH I only came for the strippers. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to ourselves, Sam Chidley and James Meiser, for being the best friends ever.

Inconvenient truth? More like a golden opportunity for balloon manufacturers and SpaceX. How are those two things related, and what do they have to do with climate change? Everything, my child. Everything. There are more solutions for the worsening climate than watching Al Gore give powerpoint presentations, and we make some headway on a better way forward. We also invent the future of the economy. All in a day's work. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Al Gore for being a hypocrite who stuck his tongue down his (ex)wife's throat before he gave up on becoming President.

Do you have a thirst for blood? Do you want to see the life go out of a man's eyes? Are you seeking vengeance? If so, hop in our time machine and give us a hand killing Adolf Hitler. It's going to be fun, exciting, and might even be a little dangerous. The best part about it: no moral repercussions whatsoever! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Tom Cruise, for giving the whole "killing Hitler" thing a shot in that movie Valyrie.

Hold on to your funyuns, it's that time of year sports fans! This week we take a break from fantasizing about genetic engineering to fantasize about football. Well, clone football mostly. Hope you wore your helmet because some of these ideas are really, really bad. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Will Smith for discovering concussions or something (oh and also to David Croom for stopping in as a special guest).

What is a Daytona 500 and why can you only turn left on it? Is there a better way to celebrate victory than drinking milk? (Spoiler: don't drink spoiled milk). Join us on this journey through hard left turns, near crashes, actual crashes, turtles with fishing poles, a modernization of NASCAR and a new way to save the world from global warming! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to UberFast, for getting us to the finish line. (UberFast is entirely fictional and in no way associated with Uber the ride-sharing company).

Flu Game Jordans. Triple Black NMDs with the Japanese lettering. Red Octobers. All crap. If you're tired of taking L after L trying to cop the latest Yeezys because you're not a robot, and feeling bad about being a consumerist shill for Big Sneaker, this is the podcast for you. Unless you're a robot. Robots go home. You aren't welcome here. Unless you happen to be BB-8. Everyone loves BB-8. Anyway. Shoes. When it comes right down to it, we're all just podcast listeners waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Waldo. We hope you find what you're looking for.

What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Is there a hell? You're favorite N64 multiplayer games? An infinite orgasm? Every everlasting soul screaming out for it to end? The answer may surprise you. (Yes). If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to THE BIG GUY, whoever that is...

I want to be the best there ever was! To beat all the rest, yeah that's my cause! Shamare! Buzzcat! Bing Bong! Shadonk! Buzzroar! Drim Drum! Catch 'em, catch 'em, gotta catch 'em all! If you have any suggestions for future episodes, go ahead and tweet to us at @thatsnotpod. You can also drop us a line at thatsnotpod@gmail.com. A special thanks this week to Satoshi Tajiri, for being really into bug fighting!

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the anarchy from which it came, one nation, under no rule of law, with bluetooth firework speakers for all! This week we lift up the hood on the 4th of July and realize it needs some tinkering. Why do fireworks have to sound like explosions? Why isn't Glengarry Glen Ross considered a quintessential 4th of July film? This week's episode is not for the faint of heart: you're going to be getting a big dollop of reality slopped on top of your back yard BBQ burger.

As always, we're tearing down old boundaries. This week we're tearing down actual boundaries. Talking about walls here people! What are they made of? How big should they be? Is Walmart a wall? What about Christoph Waltz? What is a wall anyway? And what's on the other side? (Spoiler: it's more walls).