Youth Culture Today with Walt Mueller

I once heard it said that raising teens is like holding a wet bar of soap: too firm a grasp and it shoots from your hand: too loose a grasp, and it slides away. A gentle but firm grasp keeps it in your hand. One of the greatest gifts we can give to our kids is the gift of reasonable and loving boundaries. Boundaries help our kids to recognize right from wrong, to stay safe within the confines of God's will and way, and to teach them the self-control that will serve them well as they take on responsibility for themselves for the rest of their lives. When your kids look back on their growing-up years, they will thank you that you took the time to teach them that there truly is right and wrong in a world that works so hard to teach them otherwise. But you must also remember that one of the greatest teaching tools is experience. As they grow older, hold them more loosely, allowing them to make mistakes and to learn by suffering the consequences of those mistakes. Remember, you are preparing them for life.

Eugenics is defined as the study of how to arrange reproduction within a human population to increase the inheritable characteristics regarded as desirable. Perhaps the most recognizable example from history is the horrific and deplorable work in eugenics performed by Hitler's Nazi's. These efforts were put into effect in order to create a master or aryan race, believing that entire groups of people should be eliminated because of their undesirable characteristics. I was thinking about how life for our kids in today's social-media-driven world leads them into deep self-assessment that typically leaves them feeling as if they are somehow less than because they don't look like those they've been led to believe are most desirable. Could it be that the use of filters and photo-shopping tools to alter their photos could actually be a kind of digital eugenics? Our kids need to realize that they are filled with the utmost value and worth, created by a loving God as individuals with unique dignity.

With so much of the news focusing on the decline of adolescent mental health, Charley Lock of the New York Times recently asked dozens of young people from across the United States to share, in their own words, what type of things they do to find happiness. The answers ran the gamut from watching jellyfish videos, to falling asleep while on the phone with a friend, to going fishing alone, to waking up during the night to turn on international soccer games. One of the answers that caught my eye was this: I listen to gospel music. This came from seventeen year-old Isaiah Gregory, who says, “When I feel weary or experience doubt, I listen to Gospel music. One of my favorite songs is “Deliver Me” by Donald Lawrence and the Tri-City singers.” Isaiah goes on to say, “I've experienced some mental-health issues, and gospel has helped to bring me back.” Thanks Isaiah, for reminding us all of the life-giving power of the message of new life in Jesus Christ. 

Here's a term that I just heard that all of us must be aware of: “surveillance capitalism”. The term and the practice is one that is especially prominent in our current online digital age. Simply stated, surveillance capitalism is about monitoring people's online behavior, including that of our kids, in order to capture data about one's preferences and habits in order to take that data and use it to target that person with carefully curated marketing and advertising, all in the name of getting that person to buy, buy, and buy some more. The data that's collected is personal info, personal interests, the websites you visit, and your social preferences and lifestyle habits. Recently, Facebook was accused of tracking when adolescent girls deleted their selfies. Believing that these girls were emotionally vulnerable in that moment, Facebook then fed them a beauty ad. All marketing targets our hopes for redemption. Help your kids see that buying stuff doesn't meet their need for Jesus.

The amount of change and questioning our kids face makes teenagers more vulnerable to stress than any other age group. Things that would never bother us as adults can be devastating to a teenager. The stuff we might write off can be monumentally difficult for them to handle or overcome. When you've seen a teenager stress out over a “wardrobe crisis,” mediocre test grade that has no bearing on eternity, or facial blemish. . . you have to wonder what might happen if they would ever face problems of a more severe and significant nature. We can't forget that the adolescent years are a time of change, pressure, crisis, and even impulsive overreaction. While we might be tempted to simply say “get over it” (and there are times where that response might be justified!), it's better to walk through the crisis with them and allow them to express themselves, all the while offering support and the benefit of a more mature perspective.

Remember the amount of time you spent looking in the mirror when you were going through your teenage years? We wondered what was happening, wondered where it was all going, and usually lamented the fact that we weren't “shaping up” the way we thought we should. It's still the same for today's teens, but also very different. When they look in the mirror, they're also looking over their shoulders at the images of the perfect people the media throws at them thousands of times a day – actors, actresses, supermodels, sports stars, and their photo-shopped peers on social media. Somewhere along the way, our kids believe the lie that if you want to be valuable, worthwhile, lovable, and acceptable then that's what you've got to look like. By being loving, sensitive, and resistant to these pressures in your own life, you can serve as a buffer in the midst of a pressure-filled media and peer culture that relentlessly hammers your kid with these dangerous and impossible to achieve standards.

Pastor Seth Hedman is a millennial who has done something very un-millenial-like with technology and social media. He has led his family through a process of incrementally unplugging from technology and social media to focus more on their spiritual lives. In an article in a recent edition of Touchstone Magazine, Hedman reminds readers that social media and our smartphones are designed to grab our attention, thereby distracting us away from the things that matter most, like fostering our relationship with God and with each other. He writes, “Social media is inherently designed to capture and hold your attention in order to sell advertisements. Through carefully crafted feedback and reward mechanisms, social media is designed to trigger the same dopamine release and addictions as slot machines. . . You become what you give your attention to. Endless scrolling and streaming are filling us with darkness.” Let's remember Hedman's warning, and lead our kids into the light of the Gospel.

Late last year, the Pew Research Center conducted a survey of almost fourteen hundred teens, ages thirteen to seventeen, and their parents, to come to an understanding of our teenagers' experiences and attitudes around social media and their mental health. One of the most interesting findings is that both parents and teens have concerns about teen mental health these days. Only twenty-three percent of teens reported being not too or not at all concerned about teen mental health, which means that seventy-seven percent of teens report being extremely, very, or somewhat concerned. For parents, the concern was more widespread, with almost nine out of ten parents being extremely, very, or somewhat concerned about teen mental health. Parents, there are ways in which you may know your teens even better than they know themselves. If you are concerned, ask questions, pay attention, eliminate unnecessary pressures, and where needed, secure the help of a qualified Christian counselor.

The headline of a recent New York Times article caught my eye. It reads, What Teenagers Are Saying About Cursing. This question was posed to teenagers: Is there too much cursing these days? How did the kids respond. Among other things, many of the kids surveyed said that cursing is an ever-present reality in today's world, and it is problematic. Others wrote cursing off as being just the way people talk these days. Still others are concerned that the use of profanity was too widespread and commonplace, especially in the online world. One girl even said that what she calls “cursing culture” is everywhere. Parents, we need to raise up children and teens who heed Paul's words to the Ephesians, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving.”

Late last year, the Pew Research Center conducted a survey of almost fourteen hundred teens, ages thirteen to seventeen, to come to an understanding of our teenagers' experiences and attitudes around social media and their mental health. One of the most interesting findings is one that helps us to understand that the world has changed since we were kids, and that there are aspects of their lives that are foreign to us. When asked to list the one thing that they think most negatively impacts teen mental health, the top five things teens listed are these: twenty two percent said social media. At number two, was bullying, mentioned by seventeen percent. At number three was pressures and expectations, mentioned by sixteen percent. Coming in at four was general technology, at eight percent. And finally, only five percent mentioned school. It's interesting that every one of these pressures is ramped up by spending time online. Doesn't it make sense that we establish time limits for social media use?

All this week we've been looking at the powerful role Dads play in their teen's lives. Our kids will mess up. For some, their poor decisions will result in consequences that last a long time. Others may enter into a rebellious period that leaves you hoping and praying that like the prodigal son, they'll return home. It's at these times when we need to realize that loving our kids, means being committed to our kids. Teens living in today's culture face incredible pressures. Because they are sinful human beings, they will from time to time give in. We need to continue to love them when they mess up, are unreasonable, make mistakes, and don't deserve it. Over the years I've come to appreciate the great advice given by Christian psychologist Dr. John White, who himself dealt with a rebellious son. His basic rule for parenting is is this: “As Christ is to me, so must I be to my children.” 

This week we're discussing what teens need in a dad. When my son Josh was still in his preschool years, he opened my eyes to the power of my example. While riding together in the car I had to swerve and skid to avoid an accident. As we screeched to a halt and the other car went whizzing past us, Josh looked out his window in the direction of the other driver. While raising and shaking his fist, he yelled, “You Idiot!” It didn't take long to realize where my mild-mannered little boy had learned such hostile behavior. Our kids become like us. They learn from our example. The things we do and say model who they are to become. The power of a dad's example is captured in the old saying, “Like father, like son.” Dad, what kind of example are you providing for your kids? And, if you want your kids to grow up to be followers of Jesus Christ, are you doing the same?

This week we're focusing on Fathers. Sadly, the experience of many teens indicates their fathers fail to listen. Research shows that mothers are far more likely than fathers to discuss problems and have close personal talks with their teenage children. As a result, both teenage boys and girls say they feel freer to go to their mothers, rather than their fathers, to “talk about anything,” to “talk openly,” “and to “tell her my problems.” When asked to choose the most likely option out of the four choices of mother, father, close male friend, or close female friend in response to the statement “This person and I always talk openly to each other,” only four percent of teenage sons and one percent of teenage daughters chose “father.”  Teenagers want desperately to talk with their dads. Psychologist Paul Tournier wrote, “Every human being needs to express himself. Through lack of opportunity for it, one may become sick.” 

This week we're talking about fathers. In his book The Seven Secrets of Effective Fathers, Ken Canfield tells Dads that the first secret to fathering effectiveness is commitment. Commitment involves much more than claiming your child as your own. This commitment requires a conscious choice to be your child's father, along with resolving to work for your child's benefit. Fathers who choose not to commit are opening the door for someone or something else to raise their children. In today's youth culture, there are a variety of fathering surrogates stepping in to assume the role of Dad. It could be social media, the school system, the government, or your daughter's boyfriend. Consider these two facts: If you don't choose to father your children, someone else will. Ask God to help you do those things a dad should do for his children. Your investment in your kids will pay great dividends.

This week I want to talk about fathers. Research indicates that tonight, 40% of America's children and teens will go to bed in a home where their father does not live. Countless millions more will go to bed in a home where their father is physically present, but emotionally or spiritually detached.  Father absence is a contributing factor to virtually every social problem and pressure facing our teenagers today. An absent dad invites the presence of pain. Substance abuse, peer pressure, premarital sexual activity, depression, and suicide are just a few of the issues that are more likely to be present in a teenager's life if Dad is out of the picture. God has created us to live in families with both a mom and a dad. This Sunday, as you're opening your father's day gift, think long and hard about giving your kids the gift of a loving and involved dad.

With anxiety off the charts as a growing epidemic among children and teens, we've spent all this week looking at strategies you can employ to prevent anxiety in the kids you know and love. Today I want to share a strategy that can push back against social anxiety, which is one of the most prominent forms of anxiety we hear about in the youth population. While its essential that we all involve ourselves in Christian fellowship with other members of the body of Christ, it's especially helpful for our kids to be assimilated into two specific groups. First, involvement in a caring Christian youth group community provides shelter from the pressures of the larger real-life peer group and the virtual peer group found on social media. And second, our kids need to be integrated into the larger body of Christ where they can interact with a variety of caring adults. Never underestimate the power of Christian community to foster healthy spiritual growth and development. Your kids were made for it.

With anxiety off the charts as a growing epidemic among children and teens, we're spending all this week looking at strategies you can employ to prevent anxiety in the kids you know and love. Research is showing that one of the greatest catalysts for anxiety is immersion in social media. The use of technology has created an expectation that things should happen fast, in fact, immediately. When technology slows or we don't get an immediate response we become anxious. Social media also sets up unrealistic standards for physical appearance and beauty. Consequently, kids and adults anxiously fabricate and curate images of self that aren't even close to being honest. We become anxious if we can't hit the standard. And, we fear being found out and seen for who we really are. Finally, when our kids have their faces constantly buried in their devices, they miss out on the flourishing that comes with living in the real world. Social media is not all bad. But too much leads to anxiety.

With anxiety off the charts as a growing epidemic among children and teens, we're spending all this week looking at strategies you can employ to prevent anxiety in the kids you know and love. One of the best ways to prevent anxiety is to stop overscheduling your kids. Research on today's culture points to the fact that our kids are so over-involved and feeling such incredible pressure to achieve at the highest levels in all of their activities, that they are crumbling under the pressure. One way to push back is to be sure that your kids are eating right, getting enough exercise, and sleeping nightly for the nine hours and fifteen minutes of uninterrupted sleep that's necessary for healthy growth and development. In addition, we must recognize the fact that God made us for a rhythm of work and rest. This includes the need for a Sabbath. What would happen if we recovered the practice of taking one day a week to rest? I'm sure we would see a decline in anxiety.

With anxiety off the charts as a growing epidemic among children and teens, we're spending all this week looking at strategies you can employ to prevent anxiety in the kids you know and love. One important step we can take is to teach our kids that the nature of living the Christian life is like running a race. The writer of Hebrews tells us to run with perseverance the race marked out for us. And, as we run and struggle and even stumble at times, we are to fix our eyes on Jesus, who is the pioneer and perfector of our faith. In my own life, one of the greatest causes of anxiety is the tendency to take my eyes off of Christ and to place them onto the temporary matters of life that can consume my thoughts and energies. Instead, we are instructed to look away from these idols and focus our gaze straight ahead to the one who waits for us at the finish line. Teach your kids to keep from looking side to side in the comparison game that only leads to fear and anxiety.

With anxiety off the charts as a growing epidemic among children and teens, I want to spend this week offering some strategies you can employ to prevent anxiety in the kids you know and love. Perhaps the most effective strategy is to teach them to preach the Gospel to themselves. Teach them to speak to their hearts, telling their hearts to follow the Gospel rather than allowing their hearts to speak to them. You see, our feelings are not trustworthy. They can lead us astray. They are especially dangerous during times of emotional highs and lows. While the mantra of today's culture is “follow and trust your heart,” the mantra for the Christian should be “follow and trust the Gospel.” I have found the words of this old hymn to be helpful: “God is God, he sees and hears, all our troubles, all our tears. Soul forget not, ‘mid your pains, God o'er all forever reigns. Fear not Death nor Satan's thrusts, God defends who in Him trusts. Soul, remember in your pains, God o'er all forever reigns!”

In Ephesians 5, Paul tells us to look carefully about how we walk, “not as unwise, but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” With the summer months approaching and the kids soon getting out of school, we want to encourage you to work with your kids to get off their screens, get out of the house, and make the most of the time rather than wasting their time on foolish pursuits. Here are some suggestions. For those who are old enough, have them secure a summer job. All of our kids should be required to perform daily and weekly chores around the house. Have them engage in outside yard work. Help them look for opportunities to volunteer. If they are too old to participate in your churches vacation Bible School, have them volunteer as helpers. Guide them to develop a short list of books to read over the summer months. Encourage them to develop a daily exercise plan. Teach them how to get into the habit of having daily devotions. Encourage your kids to have a wise summer. 

One of the questions we often hear from parents relates to the appropriate amount of screen time which they should allow for their kids. Generally speaking, research, surveys, and the observations of parents themselves indicate that our teens spend way too much time focused on their screens. This means that they are spending less time on what once were the normal activities of childhood, including things like outside play, socializing with friends, and spending time with family. Researchers in Sweden are reporting that kids ages twelve to sixteen who spend excessive time engaged with their screens experience multiple negative impacts on sleep, including decreased duration of sleep, decreased quality of sleep, delayed sleep until later hours, and greater incidence of depression. Let's be responsible parents who set and enforce strict time limits on screen time so that they will get the amount and kind of sleep for which God has made them.

Recent research from Lifeway tells us that “the single greatest influence over spiritual health is regular Bible reading while growing up. Plainly put, the parents of young adults indicate that regular Bible reading as children yields the greatest influence over spiritual health.” Any of us who are Bible readers know this to be personally true, as the Holy Spirit works to change us, conforming us to the image of Christ as we read God's Word. And what could serve as a better example to our children than our time spent reading and studying the Bible, along with the time we spend reading the Bible together as a family. As an adult, I realize now that my greatest and most treasured memories are not those of family vacations or other family activities. Yes, those are great memories, but they don't hold the same value as those memories of habits and times that shaped my faith and who I am today. I'm grateful to my parents for their example as Bible readers who took God's Word seriously. 

Fentanyl is a powerful synthetic opioid drug that is approved by the FDA for use as a pain reliever and anesthetic. It is approximately one hundred times more potent than morphine, and fifty times more potent than heroin. It carries with it a high risk for addiction and dependence. When taken in high doses or when combined with other substances like alcohol or heroin, it is known to cause respiratory distress and death. Chances are, all of us know of a family that's been impacted by fentanyl addiction and or overdose. These stories are alarming enough, but adding to our concerns over Fentanyl is the fact that fentanyl poisonings among teens ages thirteen to nineteen were up over fifteen-hundred percent. In 2023, forty-five percent of these poisonings were life-threatening, meaning that these kids could have died without treatment. Sixty-six percent of these occurred when kids were using the drug to get high. Parents, this is a drug use trend we need to notice and address.

I recently read an editorial piece written by Steve Rosenbaum of The Sustainable Media Center. The title of his piece caught my eye: “Snap, Shame, Repeat: Inside the New Adolescent Reality.” Rosenbaum writes these words: “Social media hasn't just reshaped adolescence – it has reprogrammed it. And we are only now starting to realize how deep the damage goes.” He recounts reading a headline in The Guardian which he says stopped him in his tracks. The headline? “If there's a problem with boys' behavior, it's because of us.” Rosenbaum goes on to say that the “us” are adults, the platforms, the regulators, the educators, the media architects, and the investors. These are the people and institutions which have built social media into the destructive force that it is. But I would add one more group to that list of problem-makers. It's us, the parents. If we fail to see the dangers out there and then take steps to protect our kids, we have not lived up to our God-given parental responsibilities.

Those of us who are followers of Jesus Christ are called to bear each others burdens. We are to pray for each other. As friends, we are to love at all times and be there for others during their times of adversity. One thing I've learned as I've spent time with Christian kids is that so many of them battle with loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Even though they are followers of Christ, their adolescent struggles seem to be no different than the struggles faced by their non-believing peers. We are being told that the mental health crisis among our kids is reaching epidemic proportions, and almost two in five teens say they are not getting the support they need. Of course, those of us who are parents need to be more diligent in our efforts to nurture our kids in the faith and support them in any way we can. But there's a role the larger body of Christ must play. You may not have teens of your own, but you can and must endeavor to support the kids in your church through your prayers and presence. 

I was recently walking through a local retail establishment and passed a mother pushing her young son in a shopping cart. The boy, who I guessed to be either two or three years old, was not sitting up in the normal spot where kids sit, but down in the cart with a small amount of merchandise. As we passed, the little boy, sitting cross-legged, never looked up. Instead his eyes were focused on an ipad as he was continuously swiping at the screen with his fingers. A few seconds later, he loudly yelled, “Oh my!” And then a few seconds after that, he let out a loud “Kill him!” I have no idea what he was playing, but his focus never left the screen. What I do know is that this young and impressionable boy was getting an education of some sort that was not only shaping him now, but most likely for the rest of his life. It's reasonable to assume that if this continued, he would soon be addicted to technology. Parents, exercise wisdom and protect your kids from digital harm.

Have you ever found yourself basing your mood and happiness on your teenagers mood and happiness?  I've learned that that's not a good thing to do. If you do, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment. We've learned that even though we began our parenting adventure with a wonderfully written script. . . a script written by us that looked quite a bit like a Norman Rockwell painting. . . God had a different script for us to live. His script wasn't 100% percent happy like ours. While it was a struggle for us, we learned that God gives us and our kids the opportunity to struggle through life so that we might grow and mature. If we were all to base our happiness on how well things were going with our kids. . . well, we'd all wind up spending time being miserable people. The Apostle Paul laid out a better way. . . in fact, it's the right way. He writes in Romans 12: 12, “Base your happiness on your hope in Christ. When trials come endure them patiently, steadfastly maintain the habit of prayer.”

Most of us can remember those pit-in-the-stomach times we experienced as teenagers when we realized we had been left out. I remember a summer day in the neighborhood when I couldn't find any of my friends at home. I couldn't figure out why they were all gone until somebody spilled the beans later, telling me that they had all been invited to go to a home in another neighborhood to swim in the families' pool. Truth be told, I felt like a loser. The journal Frontiers in Digital Health reports that for kids living in today's social media world, the feelings I felt on that one summer day occur far more frequently, as our kids see visual and story content recounting activities and gatherings of friends from which they've been excluded. This ramps up feelings of exclusion, jealousy, and rejection. Researchers say this is feeding emotional stress and creating interpersonal conflict. Let's use these moments to teach our kids to handle disappointment and conflict with the kindness and grace of Jesus Christ. 

The story I'm about to share is not unique in today's online digital world. USA Today recently reported on what happened to fourteen-year-old Elliston Berry in October 2023, when she received a text telling her that nude images of her were being passed around at her high school. A classmate had used artificial intelligence to create deepfake photos by putting a nude body on pictures of Berry that had been found on her Instagram account. The reality is that one in eight thirteen to seventeen year old teens know someone who has been victimized by photo-shopped deepfake nudes. One in seventeen kids say they have been personally victimized. Parents, since this technology is readily available, we need to warn our kids about the moral issues involved in not only creating and distributing pornography, but the way that digital sexual trafficking, which is clearly illegal, compromises and devalues the image of God in each of His unique human creations. 

It is not enough to see our kids come to Jesus. Rather, our goal should be to lead them into walking with Jesus, both now and for the rest of their lives. Some three hundred and seventy five years ago, the Puritan pastor Jeremiah Burroughs wrote about what it means to walk with God. He wrote, "Walking with God is when we make God's will the rule of our will. The soul does what God does. What's the way of God but the way of holiness and righteousness, when the soul makes the will of God to be its own rule? I will not act on my own will. I will not act on anything but the will of God. What is it that God wills? Then I will the same thing. The soul walks the way God walks when it suits itself with God, when it sets the Lord as an example before it. This is to walk with God: to do as God does, to imitate God." Parents, God has willed that you be the one to nurture your children in the faith. You do so through your words and your actions. And there's not substitute for the example of your walk with God.

Parenting in today's world can be difficult and exhausting. One of the go-to's for parents seeking rest and reprieve is to redirect our kids away from making demands on us and our time by putting a screen in their hands or setting them down in front of the TV. Because Christian parents are to live counter-cultural lives where we focus on raising our kids in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, allowing the cultural narrative to entertain and educate our kids is not a good choice. In addition, experts tell us that too much screen time delays and even derails healthy cognitive development, feeds anxiety and depression, and disrupts sleep. A recent Harris Poll has found that sixty percent of parents admit to allowing their children to use technology before they could read. Seeing what this has done too their kids, seventy-three percent believe their kids need a technology detox. Parents, limit screen time, monitor their use, and don't put screens into the hands of young children.

In a recent article from the folks at Lifeway, I was reminded of the importance of training our kids to use physical paper Bibles rather than depending on our smartphones and other screens. We do know that when we read on a screen, we read differently than we do on the printed page. Screen-reading does not facilitate the kind of line-by-line deep reading that occurs on the printed page. In the article, Tim Pollard from Lifeway offers up some helpful reasons for using a paper Bible. He says it makes the Bible physical and tangible. It minimizes distractions. The text is prevented from changing. A paper Bible doesn't run out of battery. It reinforces the sanctity of the Scriptures. Memory is enhanced. Readers can see how the canon of Scripture is organized and how the books of the Bible are structured, which provides context for what we are reading. In addition, it facilitates focus and note-taking. Here at CPYU we encourage you and your kids to use a physical, ink-on-paper Bible!

The moment I turned sixteen years-old, my top priority in life was to get my driver's license. Armed with my brand new learner's permit, I couldn't get enough practice time in on the road. And when I passed my driver's test on the first try, there was a feeling of freedom and liberation I experienced that I look back on as a major rite of passage. As I think back, I don't remember one high school peer who didn't think as I did, and we all were eager to get that signifier of being one-step closer to full-fledged adulthood. But something's changed. Researchers tell us that almost forty percent of teens delay getting their license by one or two years, and thirty percent are delaying by more than two years. What's driving this shift? (No pun intended!). Today's kids say they're overscheduled and too busy, they are staying home and socializing online, and some are too depressed and anxious to drive. If your kids are holding off for any of these reasons, take steps to ease the unwarranted pressures which they find paralyzing.

In the past, you've heard me talk about the epidemic of body dysmorphia which is spreading like wildfire thanks to social media. Body dysmorphia is defined as a mental disorder marked by an overwhelming and all-consuming preoccupation with a perceived flaw in one's appearance. One new subset is what's called muscle dysmorphia, a belief that one's body is too small, too skinny, and not muscular enough. This has also been called bigorexia, megarexia, and reverse anorexia. Mental health and medical experts are now warning that this is the latest eating disorder affecting our teens, as more and more teenagers, particularly our boys, are struggling with bigorexia. Much of this is being fueled by the presence of social media and the comparison it fosters, while promoting muscularity as a measure of one's value. We must help our kids understand that their identity is not to be found in what they look like. Rather, it's the value they already have in God's eyes that counts.

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought it would be good to spend our week looking at some helpful parenting truths. Today's truth is this: Our teenagers were made to be in a relationship with God. Because our rebellion has severed our relationship with God, there remains a deep yearning inside each human being to have that relationship restored. Blaise Pascal described this universal hole in the soul as a god-shaped vacume. Teenagers are no different than anyone else. Their great need is to have this God-shaped emptiness filled by God. If you listen and look closely, you'll see and hear that their music, films, books, magazines, and very lives are crying out for spiritual wholeness. Each of us can look directly in the eyes of the teenagers we know and love and be certain that this is their reality. Each one hungers for heaven. Parents, this should spur us on to constantly and consciously serve as signposts, pointing kids to the cross and their true home.

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought it would be good to spend our week looking at some helpful parenting truths. Today's truth is this: Any kid, anywhere, anytime. Sadly, there's an assumption flying around that Christian kids are somehow immune from being vulnerable to the growing tide of negative influences in today's rapidly changing culture. Many of us have bought the lie that “those things don't happen in Christian families,” or “to Christian kids.” Believing this lie can lull us to sleep, keeping us from realistically recognizing and addressing the pressures that all kids face in today's world. A variety of factors are combining to make the voices of the world far more compelling and attractive to kids. It doesn't matter where they live, who they live with, or what kind of school they go to. Any kid, anywhere, can be influenced by any of the negative and dangerous aspects of our culture at any time. No church, school, family, or child is immune. 

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought it would be good to spend our week looking at some helpful parenting truths. Today's truth is this: there are no perfect parents or kids. The Bible teaches us that sin is present in every human heart. At the root of problems in our families and homes is the sinful and selfish nature of children and their parents. At our house, there have been far too many times to even count where we've fought, bickered, argued, gotten irritated, and lacked patience. Parents who hope and expect to raise perfect kids and have a perfect family are biblically unrealistic. To embrace such expectations only burdens us and our children with the sense of failure that accompanies the albatross of not being able to measure up. We must never forget that we are all imperfect and finite beings who are touched by sin and incapable of perfection. While we should never minimize or overlook sin, we must realize that perfection won't ever visit our parenting, our children, or our homes.

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought it would be good to spend our week looking at some helpful parenting truths. Today's truth is this: being a parent isn't always easy. No matter how much time and effort we put into preparing for parenthood, there will always be unexpected surprises. Raising and relating to children is difficult for everyone, and it tends to become more so as children reach the teen years. Each of us will experience a different set of highs and lows, jolts and joys, thrills and spills. If you are struggling as a parent, rest assured that you are not alone. You, me, and all other parents stand together. The reality is that it's not easy. But we can approach our parenting as a glorious challenge and opportunity. Dr. Paul Tripp reminds us, “the teen years are often cataclysmic years of conflict, struggle, and grief. They are years of new temptations, of trial and testing. Yet these very struggles, conflicts, trials and tests are what produce such wonderful parental opportunities.”

As we prepare to celebrate Mother's Day, I thought it would be good to spend our week looking at some helpful parenting truths. Today's truth is this: being a parent isn't always easy. No matter how much time and effort we put into preparing for parenthood, there will always be unexpected surprises. Raising and relating to children is difficult for everyone, and it tends to become more so as children reach the teen years. Each of us will experience a different set of highs and lows, jolts and joys, thrills and spills. If you are struggling as a parent, rest assured that you are not alone. You, me, and all other parents stand together. The reality is that it's not easy. But we can approach our parenting as a glorious challenge and opportunity. Dr. Paul Tripp reminds us, “the teen years are often cataclysmic years of conflict, struggle, and grief. They are years of new temptations, of trial and testing. Yet these very struggles, conflicts, trials and tests are what produce such wonderful parental opportunities.”

Sometimes the circumstances in our own lives and the stresses of raising and living with teens in today's rapidly changing culture can become overwhelming, paralyzing, and detrimental to our spiritual and emotional wellbeing. When that happens, we're not doing anyone any favors if we continue to spiral down out of control. If our normal support systems aren't enough to carry us through, then it's time to seek some outside help. . . maybe even some professional counseling. One or two sessions with a trained and competent Christian counselor may be enough to provide you with the guidance and support you need to get back on the right course. Perhaps long-term counseling is needed. Ask your pastor or a trusted friend to recommend a Christian counselor. Going to counseling isn't an admission that you're weak. A counselor can offer an unbiased perspective, and give you guidance that will lead to wholeness and healing.

The dictionary defines the word gore as blood that has been shed, especially as a result of violence. Keep that definition in mind as you think about the fact that the attorney general of South Carolina, Alan Wilson, recently issued a warning to parents regarding online groups which are issuing invitations to our children and teens to create and share gorey videos online. One such group is known as the 764 organization, which is a decentralized online network of individuals who approach vulnerable kids, encouraging them to record acts of self-harm, cruelty to animals, child sexual abuse, bestiality, and even suicide. The attorney general says that these groups encourage and even threaten kids through online video games and chatrooms to become the victims themselves, and to victimize others. Parents, this gore trend offers one more reason to keep your kids safe by limiting their screen and online time. God calls us to protect our kids from harm, and to provide for their well-being.

If you've ever found yourself alone in a foreign country where you can't understand or speak the language, you've got some sense of what it's like to enter into today's teenage world where slang words make up so much of the conversation. Today, I want to do you a little service by passing on some of today's latest and most popular slang common among the teen population. If you ask someone to “spill the tea,” you're asking them to share some gossip. Someone or something that is “sus” is suspicious, shady, and not to be trusted. To “throw shade” is what “dissing” used to be, and it means to disrespect or trash-talk about someone. If someone talks about their “body count” they are speaking about the number of people they've slept with. To “smash” is to engage in casual sex. If something is “no cap” it means it's totally true and not a lie. It's hard to keep up with, I know. As adults, you'll stick out like a sore thumb if you use the slang, but it is good to be in the know! 

The Genesis creation narrative tells us that after creating humankind both male and female in His own image, God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it.” This creation mandate reveals God's intentions for His image-bearers. New research conducted by the Pew Research Center indicates that for today's teenagers ages thirteen to seventeen, getting married and having kids is not a top priority. In fact, eighty-six percent of the respondents say that it's extremely or very important for them to have a job or career they enjoy and which brings financial success when they reach adulthood. Only thirty-six percent said that they cared about getting married, and just thirty percent say it's important to have children. With the cultural tide moving in this direction, perhaps we need to do a better job of teaching about God's heart and design for the family, teaching them that having and raising children is a high privilege and high calling!

With so many people watching and talking about the Netflix four-part drama series, Adolescence, one of the issues raised by the series is what is called incel culture. Incel, spelled i-n-c-e-l, stands for involuntary celibate. In the show, parents and adults working to understand what's behind the murder committed by thirteen-year-old Jamie Miller partially attribute his actions to incel culture. As he is bullied online by both male and female peers, Jamie describes himself as ugly, and is grappling with the fact that he is destined for a life without a girlfriend and will likely remain a virgin. Because this not what he desires, he sees himself as an incel, and the moniker is used negatively by others as a way to bully him. Jamie himself is radicalized by the online incel culture which propagates hatred, misogyny, and self-pity. Parents, you need to know that these things exist in the unseen underbelly of youth culture, and we need to answer all these matters with the truths of the Gospel.

One of the biggest mistakes we make as parents is basing our happiness and emotional well-being on our kids' happiness and emotional well-being. When we do this, we're just setting ourselves up for disappointment. We've learned that even though we began our parenting adventure with a wonderfully written script that included no difficulties, bumps, or bruises, God had a different script for us to live. His script wasn't 100% percent happy like ours. While it was difficult for us, we learned that God gives us and our kids the opportunity to struggle through life so that we might grow and mature. If we were all to base our happiness on how well things were going with our kids. . . well, we'd all wind up spending time being miserable people. The Apostle Paul laid out a better way. . . in fact, it's the right way. He writes in Romans 12, “Base your happiness on your hope in Christ. When trials come endure them patiently, steadfastly maintain the habit of prayer” 

Listen to these words from detransitioner Laura Perry Smalts in a recent Salvo Magazine article: “If I had known in 2007 that God's creation of male and female was not only good but impossible to alter, I would have saved myself a tremendous amount of pain and suffering. At the time, I would have repeated the typical cultural catchphrase that I was born this way. I believed I was a man trapped in a woman's body and that the only way I could be myself was to transition from female to male.” Laura Perry Smalts goes on to tell her story of transition, and how she came to the realization that she had been wrong, leading to a detransition. Her words are so helpful: “God said to me, “You cannot love me and yet reject my creation. Then I heard him say, Let me tell you who you are. In that moment, my whole idea of identity shifted from what I wanted to be, to who wanting to know who I was created to be.” Thank you Laura Perry Smalts, for reminding us of where to find our identity!

Fifty years ago there was little or no knowledge among teenagers about eating disorders like anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. In today's image-obsessed and social-media saturated world, the great majority of our kids not only stress over their appearance, but many are struggling with body dysmorphia, which is defined as a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about one or more perceived defects or flaws in your appearance. New data from a study of thirty-nine-thousand adolescents ages fourteen to eighteen reports that the dominant factor raising the risk of self-harm, including suicide, is one's perception regarding their weight. Our kids are being hammered by a constant diet of marketing images and social media posts which leave them feeling inadequate and less than. As Christian parents, we must affirm their standing as loved divine-image bearers, emphasizing the fact that God looks on the inside, not the outside. Our identity is not to be found in appearance.

Biola University theology professor Thaddeus J. Williams has written a great book on living in today's culture titled, “Don't Follow Your Heart: Boldly Breaking The Ten Commandments of Self-Worship.” Williams enlightens readers, young and old, on how to identify the cultural lies we so easily believe, all of which are cultural lies that point us in the direction of worshipping and serving ourselves, rather than worshipping and serving God. Share these timely words from Williams with your kids: “ The more you worship yourself, the less you become your self. You become a shadow, a specter, and unself. The longer and deeper you stare into the mirror, looking for answers, the more it will feel like looking at Edvard Munch's “the Scream.” This is the strange paradox of self-worship. Why? It's simple. You were not designed to be the center point of your own psyche. You are not God. Self-deification is a bust.” Teach your children that have been made to worship God.

I remember one of the great heartaches of my own adolescent years was a battle with face acne. I was raised in family where time and regular face-washing was seen as the remedy to something I dreamed I would one day grow out of. In today's social-media-fueled image and appearance conscious world, teenagers have a host of preventive and treatment options at their fingertips. I recently discovered one of those remedies while making small talk with a twenty-something ticket agent at an airport. I asked her about the bright blue star sticker she displayed prominently on her cheek. “Oh!” she said without hesitation. “That's a pimple patch!” Chances are you'll see more of these medicated decorative accessories. Now you know what they are! Bear with me here when I suggest these patches offer us a teachable moment. From a theological perspective, we can reference these as remedies to deal with the effects of human sin and brokenness that appear even on our skin.

If they would be honest with us, our kids would tell us that their feelings and emotions serve far too often as their guide for life. Not surprisingly, today's culture encourages this kind of feeling-driven living. To be honest, being driven by feelings and emotions is not just an issue for our kids. What a shame it would be if history remembered our generation of Christian parents as people who didn't do anything to help their kids listen to God instead of their windblown emotions. Feelings should never eclipse God's truth. We must walk our teens through the Scriptures to show them examples of people who allowed their emotions to eclipse the truth, and then suffered the consequences. This includes people like David with Bathsheba, Lot's wife, and Ananias and Sapphira. One way that we can help our kids see the dangers of feelings is by walking them through the stories of our own lives by sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly regarding the feelings-based and truth-based choices we've made.