Podcast appearances and mentions of david waldman

David Waldman is back to sort out the weekend chaos. Belated RIP to Ace Frehley, yet Greg Dworkin is back in his New York groove today, presenting links from Ex-Twitter, which, alas, is still with us. Not long for this New York mayoral race world is Andrew Cuomo, whose absence won't be felt like Curtis Sliwa, world's easiest interview subject. Silwa voters aren't part of the Mamdanimentum, btw. No Kings rallies had a very nice day. Several million pleasant people at a few thousand locations made their presence known to everybody other than the New York Times. Sadly, in these days and times, terrorists will inevitably show up wherever large groups of patriotic Americans gather. Terrorist in Chief, Donald K. Trump wishes he could have been at all of them. Kenny Loggins is pretty certain that Trump is more of a bottom gun, but Mike Johnson believes that Donald is just perfect the way he is. Trump notes that the Constitution plainly states that he's allowed to be king, just like 50 or 60 of his predecessors did 1000 to 1500% of the time.  Unfortunately, he could be right. It turns out that the test for enemy terrorist drug runners is the same as the test for witches: If they float, they are innocent. Marco Rubio betrayed drug gang informants to get the El Salvadoran prison deal. Trump is betraying American ranchers to pay off Argentina. Australia discovers that they aren't on the good end of the kickback seesaw. JD Just Dance Vance was almost taken out by a Marines artillery shell. No way could his ear have withstood that.

David Waldman drops us off in time for our weekend fun, but not without some parting words of wisdom. We're so sorry, Uncle Albert, but Admiral Alvin Holsey has notified the US Southern Command that he will be departing only a year into his 3-year mission of slaughtering Trinidadian fishermen. Pete Hegseth will drown his sorrows this weekend with Jeanine Pirro, who also hasn't been able to catch a break or a conviction. Multiple judges have shut down multiple Chicago attempts at military takeover and harassment of citizens. Karoline Leavitt wants to throw judges and their laws in jail. Schools are actually winning their cases against Trump, but that's just not as fun for retail media to report. Now, shooting missiles across California Interstate 5, that's a media event. So is indicting John Bolton, who probably deserves indictment, maybe for what he was indicted for. Russian drones and jets keep wandering into NATO countries. Now little green men are reemerging along the border.

David Waldman delivers another two hours of merriment and erudition. Unfortunately, Greg Dworkin's construction project is in its final stages, so his time was necessarily restricted. Vile, deplorable, Nazi-loving young Gops are… exactly that, as anyone related to, acquainted with, or standing behind them in Arby's will tell you. The White House looks into the mirror and sees nothing. JD Just Dance Vance says that under 40-year-old boys will be boys. Mike Johnson kinda digs the bad boys but has his son's number in case he goes overboard. BUT!! ...WHAT ABOUT Jay Jones? BUT!! ...WHAT ABOUT Graham Platner? New Jersey is what New Jersey was for a while now. John Fetterman, however, has changed, and so should his support. 2,500 No Kings protests are set for this Saturday. Republicans who hate America will hate you for going to these things. Luckily for us, Democrats are filled with love and are law-abiding patriots with sympathy and trust abounding, and this will be plain for all to see. We are a bit late, though. At least if the intent is to prevent a monarchy. That ship has sailed, along with the budget. The budget is whatever Donald K. Trump says it is, to whomever he has said it to, until he says differently. All professional and amateur sports will be relocated to St. Louis, Missouri. What's left of the IRS will be pursuing anyone who ever checked a “D” box in an election. Sure, that's “a crime”, but try telling that to our new Sheriffs of Nottingham.

David Waldman survived to Wednesday! He can breathe again! Greg Dworkin has been adding the finishing touches on his home renovation yet still had the time to tow in a raft o' stories for us today. With government shut down, Democrats have even more time to convene focus groups to work out what their thoughts might be on a given subject. Perhaps the next poll will lend some clarity to their subsequent moral stand. “Pollingism” is trying to follow to where you guess people are heading. “Magnetism” is deciding to lead to where you believe people should go. Magnetism is at the center of Zohran Mamdanism. Young Gop leaders obviously do not focus group their statements and only speak from the heart. Donald K. Trump kills 6 more people and dares anyone to try to stop him. “You and whose army?” takes on a new meaning as Trump assembles his own troops.  Los Angeles County declares a state of emergency over immigration raids, so FEMA better load up. Meanwhile, unfortunately, the National Guard has something constructive to do after Typhoon Halong devastated western Alaska communities.  The Trump Supreme Court draws the line at Alex Jones.

David Waldman is back and flying solo again! He's the Charles Lindbergh of podcasters, but without the antisemitism! Remember when Joe Biden brokered peace and secured the release of hostages in Gaza? Well, Donald K. Trump just did some too. Only, Trump got the last of the hostages, which, like the last piece of cake, is always the most important part. Now what? Who knows? What's in it for Trump? At the Gaza summit, Trump, always the dealmaker, remembered to “ABC”: Always Be Covetous”, Always Be Corrupting”, Always Be Coercive”, “Always Be Crass”, and “Always Be Cruising.” Trump made certain to complement Egypt, not just because he admires their lack of human rights, but because he owes them for helping take care of Hillary Clinton. Oh, yeah, also that $10 million in American $100 bills. Did Donald commit a crime or two? Like they say, “follow the money”. Two halves of Trump's halfwit battle it out over China, and the only ones who have a clue probably have Trump or Kushner as their last names. Meanwhile, while everybody else goes low, Barack Obama goes high.

David Waldman places our basinet at the Gateway to Chaos, rings the bell and slips away, but first sings us one more two-hour lullaby: If only María Corina Machado went fishing more often, Donald K. Trump would be painting his TRUMP Nobel Peace Prize gold today. Now, who does he have to blow up to score next year's? The tough part for Donald will be pretending to be humanitarian for yet another year, the easy part will be that Bibi will let him declare peace every year if he wants. Trump only has to have his boy Jared Kushner “get to a yes” first, and then… Well, then there is no “second step”. Of what use would be a “second step”? Trump has found less use for peace in this country. Stephen Miller said the words “plenary authority” out loud on CNN, then had to pause to orgasm. National Guard units in Chicago are now useless, even for picking up the trash. Kristi Noem will remind people in airport lines that “Ignorance is Strength”. With James Comey, and now Letitia James, the goal is to get to an indictment. Again, there is no second step. A judge won't let Trump regulate federal elections. Soon, he won't need to. Meanwhile, election denier/Andrew Tate fanboy Paul Ingrassia is set to be installed to watch over elections and would also like to be installed to watch over female employees.

David Waldman brings us one day closer to… whatever that is up ahead. Greg Dworkin is still renovating yet still has time to drop by for a chat. Donald K. Trump has a new can of gold Rust-Oleum waiting for his Nobel Prize this Friday, but first he must attend to his conquest of Portland, the crushing of his adversaries, subjugation of the masses, etc. His commands, spoken face down in his morning oatmeal, are then relayed to Nikolai Yezhov, or in his absence, Stephen Miller and the She-Wolf of the DOJ, Pam Bondi. The government shutdown has now riled Democrats into actually walking over to Republicans and asking them questions. It's pushed Marjorie Taylor Greene to the point of empathy. It's even made Chuck Schumer… ornery. It might even help save health care. There's even a possibility that it might save the United States. What's in it for Trump, though? The war between the states front has moved from the courts, to right outside the court, to right over to the judges themselves.

David Waldman returns to take another whack at the week, with Greg Dworkin taking a break from his myriad construction supervision duties to chip in with the latest facts and opinions. Today's news: Things are awful and will get worse. In this environment, if Democrats stood still, they'd end up looking progressively less bad.  But hey, Dems are better than bad — they're good! Caring about others might just work for us this time, as people who don't care about others are also getting screwed. Also, the Gop pro-cruelty message becomes less convincing when some of the cruelty gets on them. Pam Bondi, She-Wolf of the DOJ, went to Congress yesterday to add more people to Trump's shit list. First through the gate is James Comey, who is not going willingly. Comey's indictment has a few “fatal flaws”, not the least of which is the chief prosecution witness will be the chief defense witness. Grand juries would prefer to indict ham sandwiches rather than the people being sent their way. Meanwhile, jackboots march across America. Trump has Texas declare war on Illinois. If Portland isn't burning now, just wait until the B-2s drop by. Americans don't want this. The Pope doesn't want this.

David Waldman is out introspecting today, as his Days of Awe end and our days of awful begin. A hidden conservative network bankrolls right-wing news. A dark money group is secretly funding Democratic influencers. Clearly, Mr. Waldman needs to get out more and make some more friends. Whether you were “politically correct”, “woke”, or “pinko”, the Right has always wanted you to shut up. Government has ended; Donald K. Trump burns the crops and salts the earth. Federal workers know who to blame but are told to blame the others. Lisa Cook remains at the Federal Reserve Board as her office window is just too low to throw her out of. E.J. Antoni however, can't run the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, now that people found out what an asshole he is, and since “statistics” have been added to the Trump enemies list.

David Waldman has been warning us ever since our previous government shutdown about our upcoming government shutdown, which is set to be even worse than our present government shutdown! Our own Darwin Darko, aka BA-International Relations, aka MA-Public Administration is UNDEREMPLOYED. Get the word out, contact him or us for more details! Pete Hegseth wants YOU! He wants the US military to look like a World War II poster… no… no… no… the BAD guys this time. A “force for good” is too woke, time to be “a FORCE”! And more medals! And no fatties! And no snitches! But a lot more to snitch about! It'll be the world's greatest fraternity!  Kash Patel handed out 3D-printed guns as party favors in New Zealand. YouTube gives Donald their lunch money, will still end up in a locker. Trump wants US drugs as low as other countries, will accept other countries' drugs as high as the US. It's all the same to him. President Donald K. (Karen) Trump wants to speak to the manager at Microsoft this time. Prosecuting enemies is taking too long, when napalm gets the job done fine. After all, you don't hear any of those Venezuelan fishermen complaining, do you? Russia uses 'shadow fleet' tankers to launch drones towards European cities. Hundreds of Deep State agents caused January 6. Which story do you think Trump will believe? 

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us another KITM from under another cloud of another mass shooting or two or three or four. The shooters look pretty Trumpy, therefore the national focus will be more on the venue, at least until we get a better look at what's been Sharpied on the bullets. Meanwhile, the Keystone ICE yakety saxes their brand of terror through major cities… though suddenly not Portland, Oregon as Trump either TACOs or snaps out of his dementia, temporarily. National Guard troops will now be redeployed to South Park, Colorado. The disappointingly non-fictional Donald K. Trump promoted a completely fake Trump hawkering a phony product.  Whether Trump believes anything he says or not, you are expected to believe it or else. The QAnon Shaman says he's the rightful president. At this point, he could be. James Comey's indictment is real, but the case against him is imaginary. Everybody will lose if the government shuts down. Trump will pretend to win or blame it on trans people. As long as Mike Johnson pretends that Adelita Grijalva hasn't been elected, MAGA can pretend that Trump isn't in the Epstein files. Over at Epstein Alley, aka the “Rose Garden”, they're living the dream. Moldova! Like their language, now and forever! Eric Adams is not so forever but won't soon be forgotten.

David Waldman shoves us through the gateway to chaos, then runs over to Monday with a giant catcher's mitt. On the Day of Rapture, Donald K. Trump found that couldn't even go up on an escalator. He cried like a dog about that at the UN along with everything else outside of when he wasn't braggadocio do-do-ing. People have determined that he is nuts, including, bit by bit, the mainstream media and even a few Republicans. Ok, so Trump's crazy, now what? Who and whose army is going to stop him? Pete Hic-seth has invited hundreds of senior military officers to party down in Virginia with him, open bar all night! Let's see whose strategy can handle him. Europe has already entered World War III. Strange offspring of Halliburton and the Culligan Man, Lindsey Halligan, checked one more off Trump's enemy list. (The list that ends with you.) Today it's James Comey turn with a grand jury indictment, show trial, hundreds of hours of Fox coverage, etc. The verdict is irrelevant. Pam Bondi is transferring the people Joe Biden would not kill to places where they will wish they died. Trump's radical transparency extends to the personal information of Democratic contenders, then becomes opaquer… Never mind that FBI agent they are investigating for investigating Alex Jones… Attention incels! Check out Alex Jones' one weird trick to score hot females! Billions in taxpayer dollars have become virtually untraceable. You don't want to know where they're going anyhow. Donations to Krisi Noem will move you right to the head of the FEMA line. Government is never slow when it comes to jokes about them.

David Waldman is back at it, but without Greg Dworkin who is out working on home renovations. Donald K. Trump wants Russia to give Ukraine back some of its cards so they can play another round. If that doesn't work, he will just call Ukraine “Uzbekistan” and sell them 22,787 Dreamliners. It's not just that Trump is nuts, he's stupid, and dangerous. At least the cornfield kid wasn't such a whiner! The UN escalator worked just fine for Nobel Prize winner President Obama. Trump's UN address was a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions, performed by an actual fool. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark... Whether tis Putin or not Putin, that is the question. Oh look, there's some Russian warplanes over Alaska… probably nothing. Trump's youth support has faded. At least with those who didn't vote for the Lulz. The problem with being an edgelord is eventually the edge. Trump will always redefine the edge as the middle to solve that problem.  Meanwhile, we head toward another government shutdown. Gops see this as a chance to shut down government, which is the only reason they even get up in the morning. They'll eventually hire them back again, so they can have the satisfaction of firing them again. Ken Chesebro is so dishonest and inept of a lawyer that he's been disbarred/suspended in several states, now including Washington DC. Trump will never make the mistake of hiring someone like him ever again. From now on, all of Donald's dishonest and inept lawyers will be babes. Trump Bible and Turning Point USA sales representative Ryan Walters will be watching porn on his own time from now on.

See? It wasn't the end of the world! David Waldman, and Greg Dworkin are back on the air! So is Jimmy Kimmel! That is all thanks to “We the People”, and not just those of us who were binging as fast as possible to maybe get around to cancelling Disney+… and we would have too! But also, those standing up to ABC from everywhere to demand accountability, including people that they actually knew and cared about. Donald K. Trump will not be tuning in. (He totally watched every minute.) Many stations still won't air the show. Did you know that “stations” still... “air” ... “shows”? Everyone agrees that Trump seems to have experienced a massive “masterstroke” at the UN yesterday, perhaps a series of them. Donald will be autopenning his posts for a while. We also welcome back Jeffery Epstein, who became impossible to suspend, either by executive or royal decree. Arizona's special election could give Dems enough votes to make Mike Johnson's job holding fig leaves in place a lot tougher. Let's see Trump Article 2 himself out of this one! Ryan Walters, Trump Bible salesman-superintendent, wants Turning Point in every Oklahoma high school and Charlie Kirk statues in every state university in the US. Sounds like a design job for some Etsy Witches.

David Waldman wishes us all a sweet future, unless your plans revolve around the future “ending”... then, well, good for you too. Donald K. Trump has not been trumpeted into heaven as of this writing, but he does know Hell. Trump informed UN members that they will be going there soon. ICE is deporting any laws controlling them straight to Hell. A federal judge saw Trump's NYT defamation lawsuit as 85 pages of Hell. But Donald says that couldn't be when it's all about an angel. Trump hates anyone who does not love him. Stephen Miller hates everyone. Everyone hates Stephen Miller. Trump does not love Russians invading Estonian airspace, but what can you do? Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski are becoming disgruntled by their own incompetence, while disgruntled DOGE Leland Dudek “pretended” to be incompetent in order to bust Big Balls and friends. The Bureau of Labor Statistics may seem suddenly incompetent but can't avoid becoming disgruntled with a boss like E.J. Antoni. Texas Gop Brian Harrison isn't at all competent but is making a career out of being disgruntled. Debt creditors are hunting down Karoline Leavitt.  She'll need to ask Scott Bessent for one of his sweet Argentina loans.

Chaos doesn't take the weekend off, but David Waldman does, so apocalypse later, make it Monday, ok? Trump's ouster of Jimmy Kimmel Is much worse than you think it is… maybe even worse than I think it is! The remaining late-night hosts satirically bowed to Trump, but it kind of felt like a rehearsal while old Charlie Kirk Show scripts are being loaded into their teleprompters. Trump and MAGA have no problem with their pronouns, “they” is never “them”, no matter how much they seem like them. Trump will exterminate all of them… or “they” … Obviously, the only way to defend against something like this would be to hire more dipshits for the dumbasses to yell at. And they had better be real dipshits too, because any dumbass can tell if you're just pretending to be a dipshit by just looking at you. Case in point, U.S. Attorney Erik Siebert will be fired for not pressing false charges against Letitia James, while Ed Martin is free to McGruff cosplay outside James' house. The case against Lisa Cook is in tatters, while the team that put together the New York Times lawsuit orders another round of drinks. South Korea had such high hopes for us, then they turned on the news. They are beginning to see that with Trump they don't need to FA to FO. Former Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro will be waiting 27 years and three months for Trump's pardon. Vladimir Putin must have had TACO translated into Russian, and is checking out Poland, Romania, and Estonia.

Greg Dworkin took a break from supervising the construction of his new walk-in shower to join us and KITM and David Waldman for our Thursday chat. Trump had Jimmy Kimmel disappeared in broad daylight yesterday... ABC wanted to do its part in building the national information hegemony and FCC chair Brendan Carr was happy to lend them a hand, one way or the other. Every person that Trump wanted to anger or sadden has been angered or saddened by the news. Teddy Roosevelt would have been against this treason, and the monopolies too. Oh no, now Stephen King too! Now ABC has been cancelled! (It's the Australian one though, as if that mattered to Trump.) In order to streamline the administration's persecution efforts, all “woke” will henceforth be known as “Antifa”, and illegal. All “Groypers” will be “Leftists” until further notice.      Charlie Kirk hasn't yet been added to the Pledge of Allegiance, because Trump has dibs on that slot. They might mandate that his tiny little face be etched into all Confederate statues though. Why can't Democrats manipulate the masses like Charlie? Gavin Newsom has never met an angle he didn't like, and Charlie sure had a few.                                                    The difference between the mortgage fraud Scott Bessent and Bill Pulte's parents are accused of, and the mortgage fraud Lisa Cook and Letitia James are accused of, is that theirs is nonexistent.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin voice the patriotic, uplifting, free thinking that this nation needs and deserves. Accept no substitutes! You know Tyler Robinson. Tyler can check that box off, although you, and humanity in general seem to be an abstract concept to him.  What outsiders don't get is that Tyler loaded his rifle with skibidi bullets to join the Pepe elite in brain rot Valhalla… And, to show the sort of love that only he and Mark David Chapman can truly understand. Utah Governor Spencer Cox hoped this wasn't about him. None of us do. Plenty of others where Tyler came from. Some people think of Charlie Kirk as an inspirational, encouraging speaker. Some people see him as a speaker who inspired and encouraged violence and hatred. Charlie demonstrated how one could be both. Plenty of others where Charlie came from.  No one can say a bad word about Kirk. Not if they want to keep their job… or life. Kari Lake has noticed that school shootings keep occurring at schools. MAGA knows that no true MAGA would ever commit a violent act, and anyone who says so won't see tomorrow. MAGA was too lefty for Charlie, and Charlie was too lefty for Groypers.  That makes Donald K. Trump the FDR of our time, except from the shoulders up rather than the hips down. There also are a lot of things that Trump fears more than fear itself. For instance, Trump is hiding from Chicago down in Memphis, while ICE attempts to sucker punch the wind out of the Windy City. South Korea has Trump filling his pants as if they designed the assembly line. Everybody seems more scared of Trump than Brazil was of Bolsonaro. Kathy Hochul endorses Zohran Mamdani. It's about time, and it is the time.

Ever wake with a start and wonder what David Waldman thinks about a subject? How about Greg Dworkin? Rest easy, they're both here today! Booooooooo! Donald K. Trump hiked, or maybe was carried on a litter, to a quite local restaurant in order to win a food-related dare from a reporter. (He'd eat anything if you dared him to.)  You'd be amazed at what some people will do if you are their source of food. Hey! WHERE the WHITE women AT? Always on the lookout, Donald located one in Charlotte, North Carolina, which is lucky (for him) as surprisingly, white women are worth 6 times more than a black woman! Nonetheless, non-whites and Democrats sure add up if you can keep scoring. Speaking of two weeks, that is when you can expect the Epstein files, as Dems keep racking up their scores and Trump suuuuuuucks. Until then, Trump's art of the birthday card will carry us through. Jim Jordan doesn't buy it. Jim knows that Trump was running for president in… 2009… that's about 10 years since Jim began crying like a dog and begging people to keep him out of jail. A Federal judge blocks Trump from the firing of Fed's Lisa Cook, for now. There's only so many rush orders that the Trump Supremes can handle. The Zohran Mamdanimentum continues to roll along. Turns out that Jewish New Yorkers are not anti-Semitic.  Congrats to Oliver North on his marriage to Fawn Hall... no that's not her… not her either, nope… There she is! Ah, that might be why Donald wants to get back to the seventies.

David Waldman is back to tell it like it is and was. Eee-Ew! The Jeffrey Epstein birthday book has been released, the Trump-Epstein birthday letter has been revealed, and it's real, it's bad, and it sure is icky, much like many of its participants. Donald was certain that we all agreed the issue killed itself in its cell and was long gone and buried by now, but apparently that isn't the case. The Trump Supreme Court lifted restrictions on roving patrols and racial profiling on immigration stops, but you better believe they weren't talking about people wearing lederhosen and alpine hats. The Supreme Court also allowed Trump to fire the FTC commissioner, which of course goes against precedent. It would go against precedent to shut the whole place down and walk away, but here we are. Gops take their tit for tat for tit with Dems to Defcon 2 on Monday. Chuck Schumer tells them they might rue the day that they go Defcon 1… RUE He tells ya! Want to know more about “Discharge Petition No. 9”? Discharge procedure in the House? The travails and tribulations of House Resolution 581? Don't ask me! David knows about all that stuff. One thing that David did not know is that Missouri Democrats are holding a sit-in to protest a special session to redraw their congressional map. Now we all do!

David Waldman catches us up on the multiple disasters since Friday. Greg Dworkin catches us up on the multiple disasters since Thursday. Boooo! Trump was booooooooed at the US Open. If they don't want to hear boos, they shouldn't invite Trump. Or Winsome Earle-Sears. Tiny hands, deep throat, Donald K. Trump was an FBI Snitch according to Mike Johnson, the last guy anyone would trust to keep a secret. The Miami Herald and New York Times seek to unseal records on Jeffrey Epstein's estate, while we all know that Jeffrey Epstein and everyone on the Epstein list has been brought to you by capitalism.  Zohran Mamdanimentum continues as Americans are beginning to see capitalism about as badly as they do Trump. LG Energy specialists squeezed into 90+ day rotations to set up a Hyundai battery plant in Georgia were caught in violation of that “+” part, were belly-chained and hauled out of the country. The plant they were setting up won't be hiring Americans any time soon, thanks to Karen-Republican Mar-a-Lago wannabe Tori Branum. Don't expect to hear more from Branum but do expect a lot more plants to be shut down. The Department of War begins its Midway Blitz, which is not a war, it is simply a police action. Why do so many Republicans think Trump is more liberal than he is? If people die in Florida because of lack of vaccines, it will be a surprise to Florida Surgeon General Ladapo. RFK Jr. will have seen it all coming, as he always does a year or so later. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists will save lives in the future by ignoring the CDC today. Ironically, the owner of one of the most punchable faces in politics, Scott Bessent, keeps wanting to punch others in their faces. This time it was the quite punchable Bill Pulte and for the same reason as Scott picked ever punchable Elon Musk. Scott heard both were bad mouthing him to Donald. Scott almost took Bill out, back there on the cement slab they have over the White House septic tank. E. Jean Carroll won her judgement against Trump again.

David Waldman opens up the Friday Firehose! Donald K. Trump will sign an order renaming small condoms to “large”. Also, war is “peace” and Pete Hegseth and Ronny Jackon are “sober”. Our friends are becoming our enemies, and our enemies are... still our enemies, but becoming each other's friends. Russia still likes appreciates enjoys us, though. So much for moving jobs back to the US, as construction of a Hyundai plant was halted when ICEISIS apprehended 500 workers. Children were almost kidnapped to Guatemala, but Judge Sparkle Sooknanan said NO at 4 AM Sunday Labor Day morning. Folks around the White House sure have been kicking themselves about the Abrego Garcia case, especially in the way they allowed Garcia to continue to exist. This oversight has been rectified for all future cases, beginning with 11 never-to-be-interviewed guys in a little skiff off the coast of Venezuela. Navy SEALs encountered a bunch of North Korean witnesses in 2019, and you don't see Senators or the Times parading them around, do you? ICEISIS is adding the DSS. Stephen Miller gets his own SS but has yet to receive one of those cool double-breasted leather overcoats. You'd think that Miller and Generalissimo Trump could afford to start wearing something more media friendly to be seen on their friendly media.  Posse Comitatus might bring about POTUS interruptus. Anyone who has ever taken more than one from the “Take One” bowl will face consequences in this administration. Almost anyone. None of the 15 Epstein binder-carrying influencers showed up to support the victims yesterday. Marjorie Taylor Greene will be happy to read the Epstein list in Congress as she knows that only those people that she wants to uncover will be contained in the list that she will be reading. Arrogant science-denying paranoid kook anti-vaxxing shrivel-pizzle RFK Jr. aggravated the entire Senate yesterday. The Trump administration is now stealing ideas from South Park, while Trump poaches Fox News of valuable racist talent. Meanwhile, an incredibly lifelike Melania Trump welcomed our new robot overlords.

David Waldman calls 'em like he sees 'em. Greg Dworkin calls 'em like they was. But they ain't nothin' till KITM calls 'em. Roll call! Thomas Massie is joined by empathetic Democrats and a few traumatized Republicans in a discharge petition to force a floor vote on his “Epstein Files Transparency Act.” Nancy Mace was so shaken that she almost forgot who her daddy was. Epstein survivors float release of an unofficial client list, but with all this talk of Epstein victims, will anyone remember the Epstein victors? RFK Jr. tried to sell Senators his snake oil but found few takers. Florida Surgeon General Joseph Ladapo earned his Black Florida Republican bonafides, urging Floridians to earn their PhDs in virology before it's too late. The West Coast Health Alliance will ally to maintain west coast health. Putin, Xi and Kim aren't waiting around and are planting their organ orchards today. Harvard wins! Trump's freeze on research funds was declared unconstitutional. Where did you get the idea that they've been losing all this time? Probably from the same place that led you to believe this was all about antisemitism, when the DOJ's lawyer is a Nazi-stan?  Trump is making the losers taking votes from Andrew Cuomo into winners in the hopes of stemming the irrepressible Zohran Mamdanimentum. NASA's problem has never been a lack of brilliant people; it is their lack of hardball lobbyists. Job cuts are the worst since the pandemic, and you wonder why Trump is blowing up boats?

David Waldman brings us the Wednesday KITM, on Wednesday, as expected, and as expected on a Wednesday, Greg Dworkin, who's here to ask, “Health and wellness, but whose?” Well, not yours, that's for sure. This month RFK Jr. plans to announce which of the four humors is responsible for autism, but Bob is definitely certain that most children could use at least a little letting. Meanwhile, Donald K. Trump is dead, he just doesn't know it yet because he hasn't seen it on TV. It turns out that when Donald was seen doing his “Stanky Leg” in public, it wasn't all about his stanky leg... It might have been even worse, if you can imagine that. By the way, Trump will only die when the majority of MAGA says he has, so look for that in maybe in a few generations. Sadly, for Donald, the Nobel Committee only hands out their prize on the 10th war averted, and it doesn't seem that Vlad will be punching his ticket on that. Xi Jinping sends a message to Trump, the message that he just doesn't know how to throw a cool parade. Jeffreeeeey Epsteiiiiiiin! Trump sends the US vuvuzela corps over to the capital today, but if that's not enough he can always blow up some more boatloads of Venezuelan citizens. Are you doing your part? ICE agents across the nation sure are doing theirs, and most are getting away with it, as long as they hide their identities a little. Trump will take over Chicago, NYC, and Greenland as soon as he gets rid of that TACO creeping up his spine. Gov. Kathy Hochul is getting used to defying Trump and accepting Zohran Mamdani. The Fifth Circuit rejects Trump's wartime deportation baloney, while Jeanine Pirro dejectedly sucks down another wine box as grand juries award her yet another “no bill prize”. The USDA is cutting farmers loose from more supervision, while oyster farmer Graham Platner fights the oligarchy.  Space Command moves to Alabama, which is more proof that we are in the wrong timeline.

David Waldman and KITM are back to begin the month that will most likely end with a government shutdown, which sounds bad only if you consider what we have now to be better than nothing. Donald K. Trump cancelled $4.9B in foreign aid under the Presidential “Taksies Backsies” Rule. Many say that he can't do that. Only 5 are actually required to say that he can do that. Trump says that he captured $8 Trillion in tariff revenue, which would have been much bigger had he'd been able to pronounce the names of numbers bigger than a trillion. Trump also stated that Washington DC is crime free and that he's never felt better. That's why the stock market doesn't seem to mind. Things are never what Trump says, he'll always TACO, and there'll always be somebody in the Fed to protect them.   US commerce secretary Howard Lutnick has nepo babied investment firm Cantor Fitzgerald, which has his sons become richer with every TACO Trump serves. RFK Jr. knows mitochondria like Trump knows blockchain, in that they know that their ignorance will only kill you.

Hey, it's Labor Day, and you know what that means! Well, it might mean that Trump is dead, but probably not. It does, however, mean that you're getting less Greg Dworkin today. Also, less me! But because we're bringing you our September 3, 2024 episode to keep you company for the holiday, and because September 3, 2024 was a Tuesday, you'll get to hear good ol' Joan McCarter's voice again! If you're wondering why I started the summary so oddly, well, you'll get it once you see how the summary for the original show went. You see, it started like this... Hey, it's the day after Labor Day, and you know what that means! For one, it means that it's Tuesday, which means that not only is David Waldman back live, but so is Joan McCarter! Also, it's the day that millions across the nation awake in the morning, crawl out of their burrows, see their shadows, and realize the need to figure out who they will vote for. Kamala Harris and Tim Walz have already risen to the challenge, while Donald Trump and JD Vance extended their weekend. By the way, Snopes states that no one has yet verified that the specimen jars carried by Trump supporters contained “fake” JD Vance semen… I guess they need local couch cushions for a match? That awkwardly segues us into Trump's promise to make government socialistically provide IVF treatments for gay couples and single cat ladies. Good for him! Although Donald might not have considered how his stance might affect IUI families, and the sensibilities of his Vice President, or even his previous Vice President. Meanwhile, the Harris-Walz team heads to Florida with a clearer stance. September also is the beginning of Congress's legislative sprint, although there really wasn't anything keeping them from starting earlier. House Gops now have only a few weeks left to impeach Joe Biden.  If you had time set aside to head to Bedminster to attend the gala in honor of January 6th rioters, or have your photo taken giving a thumbs up standing on Donald Trump's freshly dug grave, you will be disappointed as both events have been again postponed. Public school teachers, already overworked and underpaid, are now expected to perform surprise sex change operations on their students.    

David Waldman pines for the Virginia fjords around this time of year and can only deny his wanderlust two more hours before this three-day weekend.  Generalissimo Donald K. Trump will keep hosting military parades until everyone salutes. The Navy version should have better floats of course and will feature dancing Sea Cadets, escorting the beautiful new giant Ashli Babbitt balloon, along with musical guest Gloria Gaynor riding on the Robert E. Lee memorial float, brought to you by that “King of Beers”, Pete Hegseth. ICEISIS are icing themselves out. You can now spot them by looking for the “47” tattoo next to their “88”. You knew that with the Trump administration it'd be only a matter of time before there would be a Federal Boob Inspector. Speaking of Tatas, Anthony Tata, retired brigadier general, practicing racist Islamophobe, and acting Pentagon lacky, has been connected in a few ways to the internet's most notorious astrologer, Amy Tripp. If New Jersey got rid of Alina Habba when they should have, they wouldn't be in the trouble that they are in today. Trump cancels Kamala Harris' Secret Service detail as he'd hate to see anyone live longer than him. Greenland is all bothered just because the US is looking into toppling their government. Trump says, Relax guy! You should see what we have planned for Alaska! Gop Mark Alford goes to town halls to lie, thinking that his constituents understood that. Lies are bad for science, etc. so scientists etc. are moving to Blue Sky.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin regroup here at the top of the week and help work out our next move. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce got engaged on my birthday, thus making that date easier for everyone to remember. Pseudo-president Trump is crypto-president from now on. In happy news for crackers, the cracker barrel returns to Cracker Barrel. Could a one-week feint towards a clipart logo be a publicity stunt to replace their dying customer base with MAGA hardcore? If so, expect Red Lobster's rebrand as “Red State”. Cops: DC is really cleaning up the town as the interdepartmental queue forms behind each potential jaywalking bust. Anyhow, it's all the arresting that counts, not the crime. Maybe a nice train station to play with will keep them busy. OK, Doomer. ICEISIS may feel like it's around every corner (because that's the intent) but that doesn't mean that you have to give up. Democrats lead the U.S. House generic by 8 points, and in real-life very-red Iowa, Catelin Drey won by 11, in a district Trump carried by 11. It happened there, and it should be happening everywhere. The US might be involved with attempting to destabilize a sovereign democracy! Shocking, right? Greenland might be asking for it, but that doesn't mean it's giving Donald consent to grab it by the windfarms. European postal services are holding your mail. You'll need to stop by and pick it up. Delulu DOGE dropped skibidi Social Security numbers… AnD fanum tax bro! Kilmar Abrego Garcia has a decision to make. Either Trump's penis is tiny, and Kilmar goes to Uganda, or it is not tiny, and he goes to Costa Rica. All of the federal judges in Maryland avoid rendering a verdict on Trump's tiny penis… for now.

Happy birthday to me!  And to David Waldman, yesterday. Remember, it's never too late to send belated birthday greetings or cash! Donald K. Trump, in a move so indefensible that the New York Times can barely defend it, is “firing” Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, which of course Trump “shouldn't”, in fact, "can't" do, for something that he himself has done time and time again… Lisa Cook will fight back, although a public statement on her part regarding Donald's not-tiny penis would clear her today. Satire has become standard diplomatic art of the deal nowadays. Kilmar Ábrego García unfortunately has found himself the measure of Trump's manhood… and just as likely to disappear. Speaking of shrinkage, If Alina Habba's appointment is held illegal, a lot more could be. Fulton County Georgia commissioners are standing against tyranny and aren't yet in Uganda, and every federal judge in Maryland now can sleep easier tonight.

David Waldman is older than he used to be! By an entire year somehow! Congratulations! Also… Armando!  Greg Dworkin is completely different of course, and so is his Raft O' Stories™, although they could all be a distraction from the real story. The Zohran Mamdanimentum keeps growing, because it's fun and Zohran is having fun and New Yorkers are a fun-loving bunch. Similarly, Gavin Newsomentum is building, even though there are Dems out there whose anxiety builds when they see too much fun going on and would like to remind you here in August 2025 that you don't “have to” vote for Gavin in November 2028 if you don't want to. Expect Trump to drop the word “CUCK” into his posts soon in order to get ahead of Newsom comparisons. Or Trump could just have Gavin arrested. Time for some legal problems for Chris Christie. Time for some legal problems for every federal judge in Maryland. Gorsuch and Kavanaugh note that none of these people are either of them. Kilmar Abrego Garcia could inspire this administration to reinstitute crucifixion. Let's pour one out for two Fulton County Dems, Dana Barrett and Mo Ivory, protectors of democracy and presently unincarcerated. Trump will obviously send troops into Chicago. Not because he needs to, but because he wants to. Cheating is so fun that it might not matter if it actually works. Soon we will all have something to cry about. US consumers with prime credit are starting to fall behind in their payments. Millions are being pushed off of Medicaid and Obamacare, no matter what they are being told now. And COVID isn't going away, but the vaccine is. Years of effort have finally paid off. Nancy Mace has finally worn out her welcome.

David Waldman delivers us to Friday, where long reads and in-depth analysis are intended to be the order of the day… But first we need to address this whole Cracker Barrel thing. You'd think that a Cracker Barrel logo change would only upset some crackers, but it turns out to be a big money-losing deal. Or perhaps it was losing big money that led to the logo change. Maybe it was their peg game. Maybe it was the racism. Maybe it was the sexual harassment, the salmonella, and the racism. Cracker Barrel will need a really good logo to get out of this one, or a high White House loyalty rating. Otherwise, it will end up on the ash heap of history with the Smithsonian. Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whacha gonna do? Donald K. Trump guest stars on Cops: DC while across town the FBI raids John Bolton's home and office. Fannie Mae's Pulte/Palantir crime detection unit is powered by AI, DOGE and spite. A federal judge found that Alina Habba is unlawfully serving as US attorney for New Jersey before Alina was even halfway to the “Mar-a-Lago” in her Botox treatments. Ironically, all lawyers now become busier. A New York appeals court gives Trump a lift in his goal of appealing his way to the grave.  Donald TACOs out of his vengeance upon flag burners and voters but will stick with Tina Peters until the bitter end as long as it's profitable.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us the latest in news and opinion. By the way… Jeffrey Epstein! At least James Dobson is dead. Gavin C. Newsom (Gorgeous) has been hand selected (Some say RIGGED) by God to return AMERICA's democracy and Democracy to the “USA”. Of course, in 2028, Gavin's policy stands and personal aptitude for the presidency will be of utmost… Hello? You do remember 2015, right?  As do the people behind the Gavin Newsom Press Office, Camile Zapata and Izzy Gardon. That's the long game. The short game sees the majority of Democrats backing California's counter-gerrymandering of Texas as a good thing. California's Supreme Court is stepping out of the way. So, what is Donald K. Trump really up to in Washington? Nothing, as usual, and no good, as usual. Who to better represent Trump than the three most hated stooges in American history, Stephen Miller, Pete Hegseth and JD Vance? DC's criminals better watch out, the new gang means business. Elise Stefanik knows that she's hated by most of her constituents, Democrat and Republican, but she will never rest until she earns the antipathy of each person in her district. The Freedom Caucus is heading into various sunsets in the next couple of years. Fannie Mae chair Bill Pulte is weaponizing Palantir-DOGE hacked Fannie Mae computers against any Democrat with two houses. (probably) Walmart is now offering a high price guarantee, while jobs slowly head for the cliff.  No one does not see the crash coming. Trump wants the Fed to let him squeeze out the last bit before it all ends. No matter how you slice it, Mamdanimentum rolls through NYC. Next week: Jeffrey Epstein!

David Waldman returns to Wednesday and finds Greg Dworkin there waiting for him. Greg knows Pi to five decimal places, so why don't we elect him? Not enough people like Democrats, but enough do for them to beat Republicans. Donald K. Trump is helping pull down Gops in every way imaginable, in almost every place imaginable. Frank Serpico hopes to see a Zohran Mandani movie someday. The Mamdanimentum seems unstoppable. Elise Stefanik seems stoppable.  Trump's no angel… yet... but the mainstream media would rather we all went to hell. Trump estimates that the US is the only country that uses mail-in voting. He figures that if his buddy Bibi is a war hero, he must be too.  Of course, his buddy Vlad is a war criminal…  If the National Guard can open carry in DC, Jeanine Pirro will allow regular citizens to carry shotguns and rifles as long as they carry them patriotically. A police officer in Maine could tell that he's not Jeanine's type. ICE denied a parking spot cooled off by kicking some Latinos. Dan Bongino is assigned a babysitter, while it takes a village for Pete Hegseth.

Tuesday! David Waldman! KITM! Can you imagine anything more condescending or patronizing than telling a world leader that today his suit is more acceptable to you?  Maybe not you, but you aren't Donald K. Trump. Yesterday, in between the times that Trump was waiting for European dignitaries to quit talking about him, he managed to work in something nasty for each person in the room. When he ran out of insults, he just left them there to call up BFF Vlad Putin and talk behind their back. Donald did learn a few things from the meeting, of course not the things people wanted him to. Gops used to support mail-in voting, back when they thought they had to support voting.  Trump wants 14-year-olds arrested. Married. Pregnant. Trump wants 14-year-olds… The Feds are taking control of everything in DC. They have no plans to give anything back. Many judges openly doubt this administration. Somehow, those judges aren't the ones being assigned to his cases. A large houseplant has been taken from the White House, unfortunately it is not Trump. Former Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan says he likes ethics and decency, hears that Democrats might vote for that stuff.

As today's KITM plays in a box in the corner of the screen, David Waldman watches and comments. This, in turn, plays in the corner of the screen that Greg Dworkin watches and comments upon, and they are in the corner of the screen that I watch and comment upon. Here's where you come in. Greg dredges up another Raft O' Stories™ out of the x-sewers. Good news! Through the alchemy of Blue Sky, I have magically changed each of those posts into gold. More good news! Donald K. Trump did not sell Alaska to Vlad! Well, he might have given it away to him, or just left the deed somewhere, but the whole point of this yak-fest was a strategy session to take on the leader of the free world and fashion king, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky. Their strategy seems to be bringing JD “Just Dance” Vance as his “muscle”. At this moment Trump is selling Zelensky on switching Ukraine to high-flush toilets. Meanwhile, members of ICE ISIS roam the streets of our capitol, pretty much finding criminals around every corner. Restaurants only wish they could find some of those liberated customers, who, along with students, are now sheltering-in-place. The US might still look like a good place to, say, Gazans, but not if Laura Loomer has anything to say about it. Pity Kristi Noem! Now she can't take off work early to lay that married sexual assaulter Corey Lewandowski in her free house confiscated from a political enemy without everybody being up in her business. Department of Justice Special Attorney Ed Martin personifies the weaponization of Federal government by dressing as McGruff the Crime Dog and lurking outside the home of New York Attorney General Letitia James. MS NOW! You got to hope Gloria Steinem sues. Rogan just figured out what everyone else knew about.. anything, really. Does this mean that the national pendulum is swinging back to smart from dumb? Probably not, but more of them could be voting Democratic.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are together again, one more time until we're all seeing Russia from our house. Donald K. Trump always wants a crisis, which is the only manufacturing job booming in the US, thanks to pansies like Tim Burchett, hiding in his DC office because his Tennessee office would be too dadgum dangerous, brother.  Spirit Halloween costume come to life, Markwayne Mullin, needs to really hydrate to pee his pants so constantly. (Speaking of shitty neighborhoods, get out of ExTwitter, and follow the Editorial Board on Blue Sky. They have the exact same posts, but they smell better.) Remember kids, when throwing a sandwich has the same penalty as throwing a brick, don't waste your food! Trump's choice to run the Bureau of Labor Statistics might look like he ties women to railroad tracks, but the White House swears he wasn't a January 6th terrorist… not that there's anything wrong with that. But, now we're WINNING! At this moment. Famine or feast now might be irrelevant at election. Short-term thinking is destroying America and playing into Trump's tiny hands, according to these headlines, I mean, tldr! Trump would not have to be a dictator if you'd just do what you're told. Maybe he'll run for re-election in 2026 if he's feeling cute. Some Gops want to wait for a little more totalitarianism before they redistrict. Dems would redistrict, but feel uncomfortable winning that much. What do the polls say? Whatever you want them to… mostly what Trump wants them to. (Ron Brownstein would be on Blue Sky, but you playin'.) Whoever wins Civil War II, moderates should be the first ones up against the wall.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin take us over the wacko Wednesday hump. Winning! That will be the only conclusion you'll ever be able to draw about the US, from any US source from now on. Everything that the government says henceforth will be consistently useless for every citizen. Stats, science, history, and art will first pass through Donald K. Trump, and those who don't come back for seconds will regret it. (Speaking of crap, don't go to that site. Ron Brownstein, Bruce Bartlett, and of course, Justin Wolfers are on Blue Sky. Heck, you can watch Justin Wolfers on MSNBC, on somebody else's TV, on bsky.app!  Trump wants to know students' race to make certain that the wrong ones don't get extra. The NIH will pivot away from mRNA vaccines, not because they don't work, but because of vibes. Their vibes. CDC projects and careers are shot down as bullets come through their windows. Skateboarders beware! A military presence in Washington DC won't stop murders, car jackings or arson on any block where they aren't standing, and the bubble boys will still be afraid to come out, but DC did vote for Kamala, therefore a bronze likeness of Big Balls will need to be placed at the base of the Washington Monument. Political polls (BTW, follow Political Polls on Blue Sky) indicate some good things upcoming for Dems. Latinos still surviving in the United States are beginning to sour on the Gop. WARs and WARPs are the MVPs. Mamdanimentum is being fueled by Cuomo and Trump, as a list of their scandals can fill a dozen ads. Forget The Apprentice. Ghislaine Maxwell is the reigning champion on The Price is Right, and it's looking good for the Showcase Showdown. Russia, Russia, Russia! Usha Vance may not hate JD now, but why wait on the divorce? Marjorie Taylor Greene makes more than 30 times what she did when she was first elected. How? Go to hell! Maybe her buddy Laura Loomer can take her there.

David Waldman does his Tuesday KITM thing. As you are doing, right now. Donald K. Trump, that little ‘Gyna-tease, taco'd his China tariffs into Christmas buying season. As if he'd ever cross Xi Jinping, who's quite a pussy-grabber himself. Trump's off to Alaska, but he's already given away his planned Putin bargaining chip. Meh, Trump is a bigger commie than the two of them put together, and a true innovator of corruption. Donald's the Thomas Edison of Harold Hills, the Elon Musk of Elon Musks. He's earned every cyberpenny he's soaked from the rubes, no matter how many that may be. Who better, then, to crack down on crime? At least, the crime of being scary, young, brown, and/or homeless and in the line of sight of old, white, pussies, and/or tourists. It's hard to fight back against fear, hate, bigotry... and cops. Republicans are getting used to being hated, maybe... a little turned on, maybe they'll pass a couple more mega-bills and see how that feels. JD Vance must love being hated. Why else would he hang around Usha?

David Waldman is back! No wait, I was gone, he was here. At least it's Friday, right? A good guy without a gun stopped a bad guy with a gun at a place with a lot of guns. It sounds as if Trump oversold his trade deals a bit. He does have a tendency to overstate things.  Trump showed reporters a poster with a line and numbers no one has ever seen before. Winning! Trump appointees sacked Judge James Boasberg's contempt order against other Trump officials, prompting Senator Sheldon Whitehouse to explain the problem to Chief Justice John Roberts, who dropped the letter in the TLDR file, as he has some elections to rig.​​​​ DOJ senior advisor Jared Wise, called police “Nazi” and demanded their murder… but that was back when he was an impressionable youngster of four or so years ago. WNBA players aren't paid what they are worth but certainly don't need some incels' hand-me-down dildos. Don Jr. gave his dad a dildo along with all the Skibidi rizz that, of course, entails.

August! Only 25 Patreon-PayPal-Square Cash shopping days until David Waldman's birthday! A great time to begin or up your recurring donations to KITM! What will It cost to renovate the ‘Free' Qatari Air Force One? Don't ask… but if you were to ask, it's around $1billion. Is Trump trying to hide that $1billion price tag? Why, yes, he is. Will Trump try to take it home with him? Why bother to ask? Meanwhile plans are underway for the Trump White House Convention Center and Casino. How much will that cost? Who'll pay for that? You're full of questions, aren't you? Trump purports to raise tariffs on Canada. Canada says that news is big if true. South Korea says don't believe it until you see it. Wisconsin Gop Bryan Steil can't believe his town halls could boo so loud. Is this any way to run a paper? Jeff Bezos discovers that no, it probably is not. Brilliant boy genius Luke Farritor ingeniously disemboweled the United States government. It's up to more mature minds to determine if that is what he “should” have been doing.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin continue our KITM-wide tribute to Tom Lehrer, who, amongst his many attributes, is copyright free. Leher wasn't the only political satirist capable of rhyming “Epstein” with “tiny peen”, but definitely one of the best. Heard any good Jeffrey Epstein news lately? Most Americans want to release the Epstein files. Most Americans think the Epstein files contain "embarrassing" info about Trump. Most Americans believe that Trump was involved in Epstein's crimes. That includes quite a few MAGA-Americans, Moron-Americans, and even a few Moron-MAGA-Americans.  The best thing about Jeffrey Epstein news is that there's so much Jeffrey Epstein news left to report. The DOJ faces a subpoena over the Epstein files by the House Oversight Committee, it's just that James Comer is in no hurry to sign it.  I can't afford a Washington Post subscription. Jeff Bezos could make the Washington Post free to subscribers. In fact, Jeff could afford to make the entire Washington Post free if he wanted to and just sail away from it all, no problem. Trump TACOs on Mexico. Bullshits on Japan. Scams his own voters with Europe. Laura Loomer will win back Donald's love by throwing shade at everyone else. Even West Point is too woke for Laura. 

HEY YOU GUYS! On KITM today, David Waldman spins the hits and reports the latest local and national Epstein news, with traffic and tsunamis on the 10's.  Today's topic: Why are people talking more and more about John Stafford? Greg Dworkin is back, back in the New York groove, poring over the datum within the data of the polling of the upcoming New York City Mayoral election which will be won by Zohran Mamdani. Does Mamdani say things right, or does he say the right things?  Democrats are mostly crap at both, but also aren't Republicans, so there's that. The world's most important mayoral race is under the cloud of a mass shooting, which is not only a test for not-yet-Mayor Mamdani, but he'll no doubt be graded on everyone else's mass shootings as well. Donald K. Trump is probably working on ways to work Zohran into his Epstein conversations. Yesterday, Trump settled the whole Epstein mess by explaining that he caught Jeff stealing all the underage babes he had invested in, stored in the Mar-a-Lago basement, and if there was one motto Donald does not believe in, it's “Bros before hos”. Trump should sue Epstein for all of the money that he lost to Jeff's “business” … or he could pardon Diddy. That should do it.

Today, David Waldman and Greg Dworkin return to distract you from the real problem, whatever that might be. Another RIP goes out, this time to Tom Lehrer. Some of you know his math, and a few of you might know his cryptography, but many of you know many of his songs, and you owe it to yourself to know many more. Hopefully, this will be an opportunity for some sort of collaboration with Ozzy Osborne. Scotland welcomes Donald K. Trump. They say that the K stands for Knuckle-brained fart lozenge.  We say they're welcome to him. Inexplicably, the Scots keep letting him in.  Donald saves on strokes by aiming for his caddy's back pocket. Independents dislike Trump even more than they dislike Biden. Voters hate what Trump does and hate Democrats for letting him do it. That darn Epstein! Out there, stealing Trump's glory and/or distracting from his crimes. Trump opens the borders to violent criminals and mass murderers. It isn't only that MAGA likes rapists and murderers, but it's how much they like to rape and murder that makes them so deplorable.

David Waldman is out of here! Almost! Whacha wanna talk about? How about Jeffery Epstein? Other than ”Trump's tiny peen”, the “Epstein files” are the country's most talked about topic. Ghislaine Maxwell is conversant in either subject, of course, but would rather be moving on at this stage.  Donald P.P. Trump says he hasn't “thought about” pardoning Ghislaine and therefore has decided to. That wouldn't quiet much down, as Gops have arranged to keep talking on the subject through the Fall, the DOJ has more than 100,000 pages' of unreleased Epstein materials, Epstein's estate has his 50th birthday book, Rupert Murdoch gets to testify, and Steven KG Bannon has 15 hours of Epstein interviews...  The only way out is for the administration to admit mistakes and defeat… heh, heh. Or they could blame it on AI. How? Well, they'd have to ask AI. Sam Altman tells investors that the first step would be to create an all-powerful AI, the second step would be instant profit and/or annihilation. Just kidding. People don't require something as sophisticated as AI to bamboozle them. You can't fool Jerome Powell. TACO couldn't pull one over on him. There's hope for the future as textbook publishers refuse to go MAGA. Big MAGA dummy Pete Hick-Seth was sharing secret documents, with “SECRET” written right across them, on Signal after all. If you are a Hegseth aide looking to steal a little valor, hurry, your time might be limited. On the other hand, old work buddy Mike Waltz did find himself a new gig as UN ambassador... Mar-a-Lago classified documents witnesses picked up $310,000 tip from the RNC, probably tax-free. Instead of Trump's tiny peen, check out his big, beautiful deal with Japan, although the more you do look at it, the less impressive it becomes.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin wish you all a joyous and/or contemplative Pioneer Day this year, along with the other 364. (Coincidentally, Jeffery Epstein's motto was “Bring ‘em young!”) Many questions remain unanswered following Epstein's untimely demise, but one thing is certain: Donald FN Trump's name is all over the Epstein files, and he knows it. Gops sneak out the back door and hope no one notices. Democrats follow them out and hope everyone notices. Thus, we are only about a week away from Ghislaine Maxwell's mysterious death in, or miraculous release from, prison. Sedation, stat! Donald's meds need to be upped. Tulsi Gabbard makes the US take one for Team Trump. Why supply evidence when the boss says you have proof? Is Trump's treason accusation a confession? Ya figure? Trump pulls a reverse-Jesus and sins so that his followers may live to sin. Gop Mike Lawler will hide in the House, barking, rather than challenge Governor Kathy Hochul. Donald K. Trump is… unpopular, especially among independents, but generally with everyone.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin boost us over any number of humps today. Renown reality TV star/Trump critic/frequent Zakk Wylde bandmate Ozzy Osborne has died at age 76, too soon for most people, but especially for an artist who transformed so many genres while defining his own. Not RIP-ing anytime soon is Jeffery Epstein, who is receiving an amazing number of coverups for a guy who didn't wear pants half the time. Mike Johnson believed that he could put a fig leaf on anything, but not when even MAGA wants a peek. Congrats go out to Tulsi Gabbard for coming up with a way to keep her paychecks coming during these difficult times. Trump is now wondering who he needs to push out a window to make this all stop. We told you that Alina Habba wasn't going to keep her job as top federal prosecutor in New Jersey, but the administration is working to make us pre-wrong on that prediction. We also told you about John A. Sarcone III, who is either acting US attorney or assistant to himself, and Albany resident or ghost of the local haunted house. Trump and Japan are signing off on the HUGEST deal ever made, estimated at coming in somewhere between worse and better than nothing.  Similarly, drug prices will be set to net consumers up to $150 for each dollar that they spend. I might become a Trumper if this turns out to be true. The rise of Democrats in polls shows that most are not betting on it.  Elon Musk will really need to turn up his folksy charm if he wants to get his third party off the ground.

David Waldman brings us the latest old news. That is, it only seems like old news.  Trump remains deplorable, as his deplorables keep finding out. But even David's random country generator for potential Trump hassling seems stuck on several African nations, although Donald might be first to admit that when it comes to African countries, they're all just a bunch of Nigers to him. Remember Jeffery Epstein? Epstein's posthumous celebrity is so hot right now, that people are even beginning to recall Ghislaine Maxwell. The Gop House is working so hard to forget Jeff that they have completely forgotten that they are elected representatives. Donald K. Trump hopes that you'll Pepperidge Farm the Clinton Administration. The Wall Street Journal will not be allowed to watch Trump golf in Scotland because of their Epstein reporting. Back to the story of John A. Sarcone “III”, the loyalist Trump wants as US attorney for upstate New York. Is Sarcone only the “acting” US attorney? Is he an “assistant” with no one to assist? Who cares? What does the law have to do with being an attorney for Trump? Law has nothing to do with being a lawyer for Trump, which is why Two-thirds of the DOJ unit defending Trump policies in court have quit. First, Trump disappeared hundreds of Venezuelans to a Salvadoran Prison. Then, Marco Rubio and Ric Grenell got into a bidding war for them and Grenell's check bounced. Now, the prisoners have been shuffled off to Venezuela. Were innocent lives art of the dealed?

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin tell us all about some of the crazy things that happened. Winning! Donald K. Trump wants to remind everyone of his many huge successes over the last 6 months, and his HUGE hands. And his unceasing admiration and respect for the Indigenous peoples of the Americas. And the scandal-plagued Obama administration, along with Barack Hussein's many felonies. But not Jeffery Epstein. Donald does not want to remind anyone that his name is in the Epstein files. or how and why his name got into the Epstein files. Or how he tried to cover up his appearance in the Epstein files. But you know, if people want to cry about how he's a corrupt pervert, Trump is certainly capable of giving them something new to cry about. 44% believe they will be worse off in a year, yet may not grasp how much worse off they'll be in a week. Some have only begun to realize just how much worse off they are now. On the other hand, Andrew Cuomo thinks there might be a little too much success in New York City. Zohran Mamdani promises to not say the thing he never said. Alina Habba had a rough start, but her trajectory is now smoothing out into a steep dive. He was Trump's pick for US Attorney in Albany, but it turns out that John A. Sarcone III is only “acting”.

David Waldman takes us to the edge of the week but can't keep us from falling into the weekend. Bawdy? Is that what we're calling it?  Jeffery Epstein, who could be considered naughty, and kind of affiliated, was never known to have had a shortage of close personal friends.  His 50th birthday party had a great turnout of sincere well-wishers, including Donald K. Trump, who was both his best friend for over a dozen years, and hardly even knew him, in fact barely even met him outside of the hundreds of times that they hung out. So, of all of the ribald birthday wishes Jeff received, the one from Donald is definitely the one Donald did not write, and did not sign, and especially did not write a picture on. Donald does not write pictures. You know that things must be out of control if Trump is releasing medical information into the news cycle. Trump's socks look like he rotates his filled Depends there, but officially he has “Chronic Venous Insufficiency” which technically describes that Trump's brains have fallen into his shoes. It would also explain his feeble Epstein distraction brought to you by Coca-Cola. Luckily for Trump, CBS threw him a big lifeline by firing Steven Colbert. The only thing that could delight Trump more would be having Jimmy Kimmel eaten by an alligator. Great news! AI Chatbots have been telling their billionaire investors that they will be earning trillions of dollars soon and that those checks will start pouring in, in about two weeks.

David Waldman is here to Tuesday the heck out of this KITM. The Supreme Court was feeling cute last night and thought they'd delete the separation of powers. That Nixon was such a loser. Congratulations also go to Trump for winning his 5th golf championship in since inauguration, 10 weeks ago. Just one of the many of his latest great successes, depending on how one looks at things. One thing is still missing on his signature blue suit, however. Medals. Like Florida Gop Cory Mills' Bronze Star, but maybe a dozen or so gold ones. That'd be cool. Meanwhile, Cory's landlord is accusing him of not paying $85,000 in rent. Can Mills help it if he didn't bill him correctly? Donald does become a little smaller each day, therefore he shut down airports in a 200-mile radius in order to pretend to be a World Cup player and “accept” their trophy… and a medal… and probably the silverware at the banquet and the toilet paper from his restroom stall. Hey, it's what all the tin-pot dictators do when they tire of tin pots. Blame Jeffery Epstein. He's the guy who got Trump on his gold kick, among other things. Democrats and Kevin Spacey would like to know more, but you know how prim and demure Republicans can be. Barack Obama started compiling his forged Epstein list during his early teens, as will be revealed to all in around two weeks The US has imposed a 17% duty on fresh Mexican tomatoes (purportedly) in hopes of “boosting domestic production” … First of all, Donald K. Trump doesn't do anything for the good of anything. Second, we are deporting/terrorizing/imprisoning all of our skilled farm workers. Third, everyone knows that you couldn't treat white folks like that.  Fourth, you also don't mess with tomatoes, as they are some litigious SOBs.