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Opening Song: How Great Is Your Love (https://open.spotify.com/track/1bXgMtdwYuFAPApWxGbS17?si=494c7c3917cf44a4) by Brett Younker, Kristian Stanfill, and Phil Wickham Lyrics: From the darkness I called Your name Into darkness Your mercy came You called me out lifted me up How great is Your love You bore my weakness You took my shame Buried my burdens in fields of grace You called me out lifted me up How great is Your love From the heights of heaven You stepped down to earth Innocent perfection gave Your life for us And we are amazed yes we stand in awe For we have been changed by the pow'r of the cross (Yeah) How great how great how great is Your love How great how great how great is Your love How great how great how great is Your love for us In Your kindness You lead me home In Your presence where I belong Oh You called me out lifted me up How great is Your love There has never been and there will never be A God like You a love so true There has never been and there will never be A God like You a love so true (yeah) Passage: 31 Then he began to teach them that it was necessary for the Son of Man to suffer many things and be rejected by the elders, chief priests, and scribes, be killed, and rise after three days. 32 He spoke openly about this. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. 33 But turning around and looking at his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said,“Get behind me, Satan! You are not thinking about God's concerns but human concerns.” 34 Calling the crowd along with his disciples, he said to them,“If anyone wants to follow after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me. 35 For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life because of me and the gospel will save it. 36 For what does it benefit someone to gain the whole world and yet lose his life? 37 What can anyone give in exchange for his life? 38 For whoever is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when he comes in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.” -- Mark 8:31-38 (CSB) Musical Reflection: Children of the Heavenly Father (TRYGGARE KAN INGEN VARA), trad. Swedish folk song Reflection Notes: Lina Sandell-Berg purportedly wrote the lyrics for this hymn after witnessing her father's untimely death in a boating accident. Her text focuses on our heavenly Father, who will never leave us or forsake us, in life or in death. The tune originates from a 19th-century Swedish folk song, its sweet fluidity well-suited for the words of comfort. Prayer: Almighty God, you know that we have no power in ourselves to help ourselves: Keep us both outwardly in our bodies and inwardly in our souls, that we may be defended from all adversities that may happen to the body, and from all evil thoughts that may assault and hurt the soul; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

Welcome to another episode of the Wise Not Withered podcast! We are in Season 4, Episode 6. This month's guest was Eden Fieldstone, whom I met at a retreat where I met quite a few people who have been and will be featured on this podcast! Eden is multi-faceted, as she will go into, with two very different careers that she holds simultaneously. She talked a lot about her relationship with her own children, and I really appreciated her warmth, humor, and rawness in some of the topics she talked about. — All right! So is it Eden Fieldstone? Mhm. Okay. Thank you for joining us on the Wise Not Withered Podcast! What is your age? 49. 49, excellent. That's my dad's favorite number! Where did you grow up? And where do you live now? I grew up in Toronto, and I still live in Toronto. Okay. Have you lived there your whole life? Lived? Yeah… Pretty much. Nice. Have you visited other places too? Oh yeah. Of course, of course. I went to Brazil three times. I've been to Egypt. Yeah. Obviously, the United States. Brazil—why three times? Oh, cause I have friends down there. And it's my favorite country. I love the culture. I feel very at home there. I feel more at home there than here. Oh, why's that? People are so… Emotional! (Laughs) They're very free with their emotions, they're very free with their emotions, they're very friendly, they're very warm. They're just… I feel like they're very natural. Like there isn't… How to explain it. Like they're just very affectionate, warm people. We're not here. Yeah. Okay, interesting. When was the first time you went to Brazil? 2011? And every time just to visit friends? Yeah. But I was sheltered there. I wouldn't go there by myself. I generally don't… Generally, when I travel, I'm visiting someone I know. I like being on the inside. I don't like being a tourist. Makes sense. You know what I mean? So I'm also taken care of—I don't worry about getting robbed. Brazilian people are generally not coming around you with those intentions. So yeah, that's basically how I like to travel. My friend lives in Bermuda, and I might go visit her. But if I didn't have a friend in Bermuda, I wouldn't go, necessarily. I like to travel where I know somebody, and I'm visiting. Have you been a tourist somewhere? Yeah! For sure, Cuba… I don't like all-inclusive resorts. And I went when I was really young—I was 20. I went to Italy by myself. And I felt so isolated! Cause I couldn't speak the language. It was different, culturally. I had a very hard time communicating. And I think that maybe changed how I travel. Oh, okay. So that was a turning point in the way you approach traveling. Yeah. It was very isolating. I felt isolated. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay, so switching gears a little bit, what is or was your relationship with your mother like? Oh my god… Very complicated. My mother well, is—she's still alive… But, younger… She wasn't, in my opinion, equipped to be a mother. I don't think she wanted to be a mother. There's a lack of nurturing… So… It took me maybe until I was a mother, for me to let go of needing her to be a mother to me. Hm. Yeah. I perceive her more like my biological mother. I interact with her, but it's always… I don't go to her for emotional support, or like typical things you go to your mother for. I don't do that with her. I'm glad I have a daughter. I feel that heals me a lot, that I can have the relationship I craved with my mother. I have it with my daughter. Yeah, that was gonna be the next question, how did it affect your relationship with your children? So… That I don't do what she does. I don't… I'm there for them, emotionally. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. What do you do for a living? Two things! Right now, I'm a professor of Critical Thinking, under the umbrella of English. And I've been a belly dancer for twenty-five years. Yeah! How did you get into the teaching first, and then the dancing? The teaching came from the belly dancing. Oh, really! Cause… Yeah. I never set out to teach. Belly dance, that was my career. And then I danced so much that I injured myself. A few times. And it debilitated me. Cause it was my only source of income, so I would over-dance. And I had to do something else, something that wasn't with my body. So I took this course, teaching English as a second language. And I kind of fell into all of this… I don't teach that anymore. I teach like, critical thinking, literature, stuff like that. Yeah! Yeah, very different things! How do you, I guess balance your identities? And like… I remember at the retreat, you said some of you students found your belly dancing page? Yeah, yeah, yeah! I just deal with it! They're both parts of me. I'm really academic. And I'm really artistic. Like I'm both. I would feel unbalanced if I weren't involved in one of them. Interesting. And I'm curious how that affects like, your mothering as well. Like, do your children… You have a daughter. Do you have other kids as well? I have a daughter and a son. Okay. How old are they? My daughter is 7, my son is 10. And do you talk to them about your belly dancing, or your teaching? Yeah! All the time. What is that like? It's normal to them. They come watch me dance. They've come to my work, teaching. They haven't watched me teach. But they… It's just normal. They hate that I'm on the computer a lot—that's where I have to mark and everything… But yeah. It's just normal for them. Yeah, okay. Interesting. And what brings you the most joy on a daily basis? I think it's feeling connected to other people. Good conversation… Yeah. Very simple! Hugging my kids… Watching their free spirits. Being outside in nature. How are your kids similar to you? And how are they different from you? Well it's funny… With my son, on an aesthetic level, I can pick apart every feature of who he looks like, of which family member. My kids have my hair color, both of them, and they have my jaw line. And my smile. And he has my sensitivity, and he's definitely an empath. And he's got that about me… My daughter has a rebellious side to her, which… She doesn't like rules. Very much like me—when I was fifteen. She's very feisty! (Laughs) So yeah, that's how they're like me! They're both very affectionate. Yeah. Is that also like you? Yeah, I'm very affectionate with them, so I guess they kind of picked it up from me. (Laughs) Nice! What do you do to unwind or recharge after a long day, or long week? That's very hard for me to do. I have to physically leave my house. I mean, I love my children, but I cannot recharge or unwind around them. I have to physically remove myself from my house. Sometimes it's going for a drive, sometimes… I don't get many opportunities to do that. But whatever I'm doing, it has to be away from the home. Too many responsibilities, too many energies pulling on me in there… Yeah, definitely… Seeing a friend or something like that. Just has to be, unfortunately… I can't unwind around my children. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, yeah… Aside from work and family obligations, what other hobbies and interests do you have? I like reading novels. Again, I just like being in nature. I don't know, belly dancing isn't a hobby, but it's something I do enjoy. I like exercising. Those kinds of things. So you said you started your career in belly dancing. Did you start it just as a hobby and then it became a career? Yeah. What was that transition like? At what point did you think, “Oh, I can do this as a career!”? Well I took classes for like three years. Then I started doing amateur shows in groups. Then I was in a dance company. And then I just… Went out to places that hire belly dancers. And I just got hired! That was it! It was very simple. It was like, the easiest job ever. It's the best job. I get paid to dance. I really couldn't ask for anything better. Yeah. So. Yeah, and what kind of gigs do you do? Do you dance at clubs? Or solo shows? Group stuff? Everything. But I don't do—sorry for my yawning—I don't do stags. I don't do anything that's all men. Because then they get other ideas. But no, weddings, anniversaries, baby showers—you name it. Birthday parties. Anything that's celebratory. Yeah. That's what I do. As long as it's not a stag kind of thing. Stag? Like S-T-A-G? And that means all men? And it's usually men who… Like for a guy who's getting married, and he's gonna have his one last hurrah. Oh! Like a bachelor party! They often hire strippers and stuff like that. I don't go to things like that. They have a… Generally, they have a different expectation. I don't do that kind of dancing! Yeah, makes sense! Okay. What has been one of the biggest challenges that you've faced and overcome? Giving birth. Yeah. I had both of my children naturally, with no drugs. My son was 44 hours. And after 30 hours, I only dilated one centimeter. I had a doula, I had my husband. It was hard! It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! I could not have done it without all that support around me. But I feel like… I'm not disparaging women who haven't had natural childbirth at all. But for me, it was a rite of passage. It made me stronger. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted to crawl out of my body. It was excruciating. I could feel my hip bones separating. Oof. I was shaking… I was in shock for a week after I gave birth to my son. Yeah, it was physically, mentally… It was exhausting. It hurt, so much. And I couldn't escape it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done! (Laughs) There was like… I didn't feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. It felt like I was being tortured for 44 hours. And then finally, he came. Yeah, that was the hardest thing… To not go to the hospital and not get an epidural. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. Yeah. Why did you choose to not do that? Because… When you're paralyzed. You're completely disconnected. Your body… They tell you when to push in the hospital. That's not the way… Your body pushes when… There's no control. Your body just will push. There's no mental… There's nothing that you can control when you're in a natural state of giving birth. Your body completely takes over. So… It's just healthier. It's everything. You're disconnected. You're completely disconnected. It's like nothing is going on. But it's the biggest thing going on. And then you have nurses telling you to push. How does the nurse know when my body wants to push? She's not in my body. Yeah… I was afraid I was going to blow my back. Honestly, I just didn't want anything to do with it. At the time, I was like, “Give me the epidural…” It was brutal. But my doula and my husband were not letting that happen. And I appreciate it now, for sure. Yeah. And then three years later you gave birth to your daughter? Yeah. And was that a similar experience? No. I gave birth to her by myself, in my house. Cause the midwife didn't show up… So that was different. Wow…! Yeah, she slept through the pager. So I called 9-1-1, and she was like half out of me when 9-1-1 answered, and then the fire department was in my room. The paramedics were in my room… It was crazy. The midwife wasn't there. Wow. My daughter was fine. It was quite something. Yeah. But she came twice as fast as my son, and it was half the pain. And I knew what I was doing. So I just was like, “I'm done with this. I hate being pregnant.” And I just gave birth to her. And that was it! I was done with it. I was like, “I've had it!” Finished! Yeah. Wow… You mentioned like, a mental challenge. So it wasn't as much of that with your daughter. No. Not at all. Okay. Interesting. I think the first… Well for me, I only have two, so I can't… But it's understood that the first is the hardest, and then it gets easier, and easier… Yeah. Yeah. Interesting… I'm just thinking about what it must have been like for my mom… It's hard. But… You know, it really strengthens you as a person. Just having to go through that, and coming out the other side. It's definitely a rite of passage, for sure. Yeah. And then how about just, raising your kids? What has been challenging about… Now that they are their own, little person? (Laughs) Sleep deprivation. As you can see, I'm yawing all the time… Trying to manage work and children. You know, their needs. It's always their needs. Always about them. Which is fine, cause that's the way it's supposed to be. Just… Kind of like… For me, cause I put so much into them… It's hard to give to myself. I don't have the time. I don't have the time. But it's important. My challenge as a mother has been, how do I nurture them, and give them the opportunities to fulfill whatever dreams that they have? And then, carve out the same space for myself. Which, I still… It hasn't happened. I'm trying to write a novel. I can't write the thing. Because between work and my kids, I have no time. Yeah. So it's definitely a challenge. And I think the less economic means you have, the harder it is. Right. I don't have someone coming to my house. No one's coming to my house, cleaning my house, cooking my meals for me… So there's a lot of domestic work that I have to do. So there isn't free time for myself. And it's not good. I don't know how to navigate around it. Yeah… How did you find BWA? Just some Facebook ad! What drew you to it? Just what Leslie was talking about, how your outer world is a reflection of your inner world… And how talk therapy doesn't change your inner drive, I guess? That's not the right word, but I can't remember her phrasing, to be honest. But it was that kind of idea that drew me to it. Yeah. Has it changed your life, do you think? Changed my life? No. I wouldn't say it's changed my life. I think that I am more grounded. I don't spin out, to the extent that I used to. So I mean, there's a change. But it hasn't changed my whole life. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. It's not like a… Super huge kind of ground-breaking… Yeah, I just feel more grounded. I feel like if things don't go the way I want it or expect it, or it hurts, or whatever… I kind of just… Well, maybe this is for the best, and I lean into it. Embrace things more. I have a little more faith… That the universe is here to help. I don't know. Do you know what I mean? There's more of a groundedness. Mhm. Yeah, I check my mind stories a lot. Yeah. I don't let myself go… I try to not let myself get sucked… I recognize when I'm getting sucked into someone's energy. And I can pull away… Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned the spinning out. Is that what you meant? Getting sucked into things… Yeah, or just like… You know, just spinning out, like, “Oh the future… And this… And that…” That kind of stuff. Mhm. Like, being trapped in that uncertainty versus the trust that you were talking about, that things will… Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Makes sense… So how do you define success? Self-fulfillment. I don't define it by money. No, I never have. Success is something you achieve, I guess… So to achieve, or… It could be anything. I was actually thinking of the success of my uncle—one of my uncles. I was thinking that he's so different with his kids than the way he was raised. And I see how my cousins are really grounded people. And I was like, you know, that's success. Like, he changed the direction of some intergenerational… I don't know if I would say trauma necessarily, but ways of relating to people. Yeah, he changed the direction with his kids. And… He's got a great job, and he's got lots of money and whatever, but that's—to me—not the success part. It's how he parents. Yeah. Do you consider him a mentor? Like do you look up to him? A little bit, yeah. A little bit… We're not that close. I think that… I think spiritually, if one fulfills whatever purpose they're here to do, that's success. Overcoming something that's difficult—that's success. It's not monetary. I know in our culture, it's very materialistic. But to me, success is not about that. Yeah, that makes sense. Who are some of your mentors, or people that you've looked up to? I look up to Madonna! I really like her! I do! I think she's such a trailblazer, and that she's still going at 64. I like that about her. I look up to… Oh god, I'm just so tired right now. So many people. Basically, any… Okay. There's this astronaut or mathematician in NASA, this black woman in the 50's, and she was very instrumental. Katherine Johnson. You know, people who go against the status quo… Or surprise you. Or they do the unexpected, I guess, in a positive way. Yeah. So… I'm not articulating myself very well. (Laughs) It's okay. Yeah. What's something you've learned about yourself, in the last few months to a year? Hoh… I'm very, very sensitive. And I come across as… Confident. Which is true. But I'm still very sensitive. Yeah. And you just realized that about yourself recently? No, it's not that I just realized. I don't know what I JUST realized about myself… What I JUST realized… That I am perimenopausal. There you go! I just realized that! (Laughs) Nice! (Laughs) All right. I skipped my period for fifty days. And I was freaking out. I was like, totally going crazy. Then it came. And then it came regularly again. Yeah. What else… That I… I don't know. There's nothing I JUST realized about myself, to be honest. Okay, no problem. Nothing new. There's nothing new. Maybe a continuation, but nothing new. How do you feel about menopause? Does it freak you out? Yeah. I'm gonna be honest, it does. If you don't mind sharing, what about it scares you? Um… That… The loss of being fertile… Bothers me. The coming in to the end of my life. I know menopause is not—I'm only 49. But it's a whole different… Yeah. I guess aging. All those hormonal, major changes. I… When I was especially a bit younger, when I would ovulate, I would feel this like, surge of energy. And I felt like, this power, like I could do whatever I want. I don't know, it was like I was on a high or something. So I don't know what menopause is gonna feel like, cause I'm not on menopause, right… Yeah. I guess I will just embrace it when it comes, but… I don't know. Yeah. I think what I discovered about myself is that I don't like change, actually. I don't like change. It's something I need to work on. But menopause is… It's a little scary for me. Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely not something we talk about as a culture. Did your mom ever talk to you about her experience? Yeah! I talk to her about it all the time! Oh! Oh, you do? Okay! Mhm! It's not pleasant, what she tells me. I don't know if I want to repeat it, but… The analogies are stark! So… Yeah! Yeah… I'm not the best one to talk to about menopause, because I'm not in it, but… I have a fear of it. Yeah, makes sense. Yeah, I don't know what else to say about it. Yeah, no problem. What's something you're looking forward to? I guess, doing more stuff with my kids. Maybe traveling a bit. Yeah, traveling… Where's a destination? I want to see the Northern Lights, in Canada. I would really like to see them. Yeah! I haven't planned it, but it's something that I would like to see. And where is that visible? Where can you do that? I think the Northwest Territories. It's far. It is pretty far from where you are? Absolutely. I'm in a city. A massive city. Toronto is a massive, metropolitan, crazy city. The Northern Lights, I think they're in the Northwest Territories. Okay. Do you travel with your kids? Are they of traveling age yet? Oh yeah, I travel with them. I went without them to Brazil. And that was very hard for me. But I'll tell you, after three days, though, I was fine! I didn't have to… I had a break. It was amazing, to just… Live in my day without having to take care of somebody. I'm not disparaging being a mother or anything, but it's very hard to always be taking… You're always having to take care of someone else. Always. Always. Every decision you make is like… Based on, how is this going to affect my kid? Can I do this? Can I not do this? Blah, blah, blah. I mean I do, in my daily life… It's rare, but I do go out, and I come back and 4 o'clock in the morning. I swear to God I do. I go out and I have a good time. I don't care. Cause I feel like that's really important. I'm not about staying home all the time. No, I probably go out once a week. Late. (Laughs) I go to live music, I hang out with my friends. I see my friends a lot. I make a point of it. Yeah. I'm not gonna just wither away in my house. It's not happening. Yeah, that's great!! I feel like that's probably good for your kids too! They don't like when I'm gone! They get upset. “Where are you going?” I'm like, “You're going to bed. What does it matter? I'll be here when you wake up. Like, it doesn't matter.” “No, Mommy, where are you going?” They think my personal life, like everything about me, is their business. Yeah. Like my son will look over my shoulder and read my text messages. Ohh…! Oh yeah! All the time… They think that the way they are my business, that I am their business. And it's not that way. They can't understand it. There are different roles. I don't want to say it's power differential, but it really is! But, for their benefit! You know? They don't understand that I'm a full grown adult, where they can't! (Laughs) Yeah. I love that. (Laughs) So interesting. Yeah. Well, is there anything else you wanted to talk about that I didn't ask? No, not really! I just… For me, as I'm getting older, as the decades go on, I feel that I'm more open-minded, and I'm not as judgmental. I can see different perspectives. I'm calmer. So those are nice things! I'm not as fired up about everything that I used to be. Yeah. So that's nice! (Laughs) Yeah, just mellowed out a little bit. Yeah, I've mellowed out a lot. Totally. Yeah. Yeah! Well thank you so much for joining us! Thank you!

Thanks for tuning in to another interview in Season 4 of the Wise Not Withered Podcast! Today's guest is Claire Benson. We met at a retreat about a month and a half ago, with a program called BWA (Body Wisdom Academy) that we refer to in our conversation. She talks about what she's learned from relationships, overcoming fear, and we talk quite a lot about trauma. The exact content of our conversation hopefully isn't too triggering to listen to, but she does talk about nervous system collapse, so just be aware of that. — All right. Okay, thank you so much for agreeing to do this interview. So let's get right into it. Claire Benson! How old are you? What is your age? I am 58! 58, awesome! Let's see. What roles do you carry in your current life? I'm a partner, mother of two daughters, daughter, friend. And professionally I'm an accountant for a non-profit group that provides communication services to people with aphasia. These people have loss of language, not intelligence, from a brain injury like a stroke. I really like it. I'm not so much into the accounting anymore, but I work with a really inspiring team of young women therapists that lets me marry my skills to support a community program that's really important to me. Yeah, that's so interesting. How did you get into that? I've been involved with them for years. One of my good friends is the president on the board. And I was on the board for many years, trying to support the accounting function, and in the end said “Why don't you just let me do it for a couple of years?” So I came off the board and got more organized. And I still do it cause it works, and I enjoy being with them. Let's see… What can you tell me about the romantic relationships in your life and what did you learn from each one? That's a big one… I met my first husband when I was working in Bermuda. We were both newly qualified chartered accountants. He's Canadian, and I'm from the U.K. which may or may not be obvious. We married, and moved to Canada, from Bermuda. I was a quiet, and shy young person, and a bit of a people-pleaser. I was always worried about what people would think. We were married for 26 years, but ultimately I realized he was a very self-contained person, and didn't have anything of himself to share with me. And I am more of a highly sensitive individual, and he just didn't have the capacity to give me the affection that I needed. So I was very lonely. I decided I'd honor my heart and leave. I realized that being loved isn't enough if you aren't shown that love. Yeah. And I'm now in a relationship with a really very affectionate man. And he makes me feel loved and seen. The dynamic is very different. I didn't really know that was possible. We both work really hard on communication, and it's not always easy, bu it's worth it! When you and I met at the retreat, there were a few other young women there, too. And I was really, really pleased to see you all doing the work earlier in life than I did. To me that's a real gift. In terms of what I learned, if I'm looking back, the advice I'd give to young adults, and I do to my own kids, is to seek out that inner learning early: therapy, retreats, whatever you can. Begin that self-reflection early. It's so important to understand who you are, especially before you consider committing to one person for the rest of your life. You have to learn your communication styles, you have to learn to be discerning and put yourself first. You have to stand on your own mountain and see who wants to join you there. Yeah… What started you on that path, that journey of self-discovery? I think I've always been a seeker. Things have happened in my life that have made me stronger and more able to face that and look at that. Was it more of like a gradual process, or do you remember like a turning point, a single event that kick-started it? Becoming a mother made me more of a lioness, definitely. And one of my children was very sick. Things that happen in the outside world that you have to deal with… They make you realize that you only get one chance at this. And I think I was just cruising, and doing the best I could. But you know, you learn as you age. Yeah, sometimes it does take those really dark, down moments to really shake you, right. It really, really does. Yeah. Yeah… Thank you for sharing that. I guess a little lighter then, what do you spend most of your time doing these days? What are some of your hobbies and interests, and activities outside of work? My schedule is kinda up to me, which is a really nice thing to have. And I kinda work when it makes sense, and organize my days to try and make sure I get to do things for me. I try and meditate and walk, stretch my body and do some yoga most days. I find that that self-care takes longer and longer, and becomes more important every day. But it is a win—I have to pay myself first. That's a really difficult lesson to learn; when you've got young kids, it's really hard for mums to hear, that “You gotta look after yourself.” The reality of that is a little harder. I'm a big hiker! I like to integrate hiking into travel whenever I can. The walking and being in nature is grounding for me. I feel really untethered if I don't get to do that. A few years ago, I hiked the Inca trail in Peru. Oh, wow!! And that was kinda like the longest walking meditation… Being off-grid, and just such a moving experience. All you had to do was put one foot in front of the other. Mmm!! How long is that trail? It took about five days. Wow! Oh my gosh! How many miles a day? Well, I don't remember the miles, but the longest days we were probably walking for about eight hours. That sounds like a lot. But we had sherpas and guides that took care of putting the tents up, so all you had to think about was “Just gotta put one foot in front of the other.” Which is a really freeing experience! Right, so you did it with a big group? Yeah, a group of about eight of us. We all knew each other. We were with an organized group. So we had a leader, and then we had all the people carrying the heavy stuff, and the food. We just had our day pack with us, and could just… Go. Mhm! What made you decide to do that? And when did you do that again? I did that after my marriage ended. My partner, still now, asked me in our early days, would I do it? I had decided unless something was really off-the-charts scary for me, I was just gonna say “Yes.” And I didn't know whether I could do it. Yes, I'd been a big hiker, but I had never been in that elevation. And I just said yes, and we did it, and it was amazing. Wow. Are there any other… I guess maybe “crazy” isn't the right word for it. Any other, I guess unusual, hiking feats that you've done? Or traveling? I guess you put them together, you said, you like to hike when you go traveling? Yeah, I try to put them together. We did do a trip to Africa, just before Covid, and we were on safari for about ten days. Where specifically in Africa? So we landed in Nairobi, Kenya. And we went through Kenya and Tanzania. Oh wow, okay. And you know, I don't know if you've ever been, but Africa has a very different energy to it. And you totally feel it. And you see poverty and a totally different way of life. So that was really… That was good to see. Yeah… How do you feel it changed you, if you can even put it into words? Well I think one thing it does for sure, apart from seeing the beauty, and feeling the different air… I always love elephants. And seeing a herd of elephants cross in front of you like twenty feet away, was just, for me, a very spiritual experience. But you also come away really knowing the difference between first world and third world problems. Not that I suffered, but you certainly see… You know, when you've got people collecting plastic bottles from you so that they can use them to recycle them to get any pennies they can… So desperate to make a living, just to feed their family, you really do realize that we have a lot of first world problems, that we shouldn't worry about. Right. Definitely gives you some perspective! Yeah. Yeah, so I guess in the same line of perspective: what's something you learned about yourself just in the past year? Well, this'll give you kind of a bit more… Core… Sort of… What I've been through. I grew up in a house where I felt quite different from my family. I think a lot of people start to realize that now. You know, you hear people say they think they were adopted. And I just craved being seen and heard, and I can see now that I was seeking connection, and was sensitive to what was going on in people's inner world. And if I didn't get any sort of connection, I'd pull back, and turn inwards. I'd do things like buy my family small gifts, and put them under their pillows. I really wasn't doing it for attention; I was doing it for connection. And, like many families, my parents were focused on providing for us, and totally gave us a good standard of living, and kept us active and safe. But there was also a lot of fear modeled, which made me very uncertain as I ventured out into the world. I'm quite determined, luckily. I realized last year that I wanted to look at my inner turmoil. So I signed up for an intense training program that taught me about trauma, and how it shows up in the body, and how to reprogram the wiring. This has really been a game-changer for me in how I live my life, and pushed me to listen to my inner wisdom. I'd always thought something was wrong with me, because I was so disregulated around other people, and I didn't know what it was. And now I know how common it is. So I know how to practice staying in my body, and sometimes I can actually feel a little bit more regulated. Yeah, that's great! Is that Body Wisdom Academy, or something else? Yes, that was BWA. Okay, and just out of curiosity, how did you find Leslie and all of that? The whole world of BWA! It's kind of interesting. She came across my Facebook page, so obviously the AI was doing something. And I had been looking at… I was at a point in the relationship where we were in a bit of a rocky place. And I wanted to do some… I realized there was more damage from my marriage than I hadn't dealt with, more from my childhood that I hadn't dealt with, even though I thought I was okay. So I was looking at just wanting to learn something in the healing world. And I was looking for people to learn reiki from! I hadn't even done reiki. And I think that triggered her coming across my Facebook page. And it was at the right time for me! I looked at it, and I spoke to Leslie, and I just took a leap of faith! Yeah. That is so interesting. I feel like I had a similar experience, where… Just on my Instagram page, I added “musical healer” in my description, and I swear my feed changed a little bit just from that. And what the algorithm will throw at you, depending on what you're searching for. I feel like it's this weird balance of like… It's kinda creepy, but then it also sometimes does point you in the right direction, you know? That's right! Yes, yes. So I think I did her free course, to start off with. Which sort of pulls you in a little bit and shows you what she's actually doing. Because it's got to be such a heart-aligned… It's such a hard thing to market and explain to people in a way they'll understand, until they've done it. Right. Definitely! Did you do the free course first? Or did you jump right in? I did a couple of… I think I did the 7-day audio challenge, and I stayed subscribed to her. So it's like I did feel like a little pull. Yeah, it's interesting how things happen to us, and we just kinda… Go a bit more in, a bit more in, until we can commit. Yeah! I do feel like things show up when we're ready for them, you know? Yes, absolutely. I'm really proud of you and the other young women for doing it, because it's life-changing! Yeah, it really is. Thank you, I appreciate that. Yeah, I guess this is very related, so what's one of the biggest challenges you've overcome? When my youngest daughter—I have two daughters. When she was twelve, she began to have health issues. And it started with a central nervous system collapse after she'd had the third of three HPV vaccinations. And she was with the first cohort in her school, the first year that they gave these vaccines, at twelve years old, and it was before we knew much about them. And I use the term “nervous system collapse”, I'm not sure if it's a medical term, but it makes sense to me, because she was in constant fight-or-flight, she was in high anxiety, off-the-charts pain, catastrophic thinking, physical symptoms were amassing, and the exhaustion. So it kinda circles back to what we were just talking about, with how the body… The body works, and connects with the mind. And it was really complicated. And I was really out of my depth. And it didn't fit into the mainstream medical silos. She had two surgeries. The first one left her with a deadly infection. And the second one kinda cleaned up the damage from the first. And, at that time, nobody spoke about trauma, and the impact on the body and the nervous system and how it creates pain. Pain can frequently show up in the pelvis, especially in females. After about three years, a physiotherapist started me on that path of learning about trauma and its impact. And I kinda became the queen of research at night, when I was trying to look after her in the day. I made so many mistakes… I took advice from the medical community, which I now know was the opposite of what she needed. I made her go to school, and that caused more trauma. She was rarely in school. It really impacted my oldest daughter as well. She was able to be a supportive sister, and care for herself as much as possible… But we were both traumatized from what we witnessed. And it was just a huge period of responsibility for me, without much of a break. But with a lot of courage, and therapy, and energy healing, she's now done a lot of the kind of therapy I've done. And she really started it before me. And today she's a lot better, but she's fighting to deal with the physical symptoms that remain—tracking her trauma on the nervous system. The reason I wanted to bring it up is because if this happened today, there would be so many more resources available, and guidance from parents. And if somebody had just said to me at the very beginning, “trauma”, I would have known where to look. It was a very difficult journey, and I really hope that today any young Mums would be sent on the right pathway, because we know so much more about how, you know, the body really does keep the score. You're running around saying, “Okay, I'm having these physical symptoms because of this physiological thing?” Or is it because of what we're learning about the nervous system and trauma? And it's just such a long journey. My oldest daughter, now, she's quite an amazing individual. She's an emergency room nurse. And I think because of what she saw with her sister, she's got a bigger picture with her patients, which I think is quite a gift that she brings. But it was a lot of responsibility caring for a child that can't process what's happening to her. And that really has been my biggest challenge. It's been my biggest failure, and it's been my biggest success. Today, it's not my journey—it's her journey. And my job is to try not to cross too many boundaries… You know, inevitably I mess that up, too! Yeah. Oh, I love that you said it's one of your biggest failures but then also biggest successes, too. Yeah. Yeah. They can just be so interrelated. How you look at it. Yeah. Cause I wouldn't be as close with them both, now, I don't think, if we hadn't gone through all of that together. But of course you'd give your right arm to take pain away from somebody. And for some reason, this is her journey. Right. I don't think I'll ever understand it, but that's what it is. Yeah. Did you also read the book “The Body Keeps The Score”? I'm literally reading it right now! Yes. The first book I read was “Waking The Tiger”—I think that was Peter Levine. So that was what really started to show me how trauma in childhood can connect with pain. And then I moved on to “The Body Keeps The Score”. That one was a little technical for me, but I did get through it. I just read as much as I could. Yeah. So in light of the successes… Again I just love that you called it a failure but then also a success. Thank you. What are some of your other successes that you've had in life? Well I think the biggest one for me, because of my upbringing, has been overcoming fear. And I kinda have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to be uncomfortable. And just going back to the trauma thing… You know, even with that awareness, parents can still pass fear or anything else, traumatic-wise, along their children, because we now know that trauma can be passed down through the DNA. Right, oh my gosh. And, you know, DNA is a little bit flexible, too, so it's not a… foregone conclusion, which is nice. But, you know, in terms of things I had the courage to do… I moved to Bermuda even though I was terrified, and I moved to Canada. I had the courage to go against my teachers, who tried to dumb me down in school and told me I couldn't do what I needed to do to become a chartered accountant. And I actually ended up being one of the youngest people to get it. Yeah, going back to overcoming fear: what exactly does that look like? How does that show up in your day-to-day life? Like, how have you overcome it in different circumstances? Well it's an awareness that the way I was programmed as a child was to go to fear and worry about doing something. So just that awareness of it, so that you question yourself when something you might want to do comes up. One year, I was hiking in Alberta. And I am terrified of heights, I do feel like I want to jump off the edge of a cliff… That's just what it is. But I still went up these switchbacks, up the mountain, and did it! And it's just… A mental switch to catch yourself from going to fear and worry, and trying to go to “Oh, maybe I can do that!” Yeah! And it's really hard. Because I do come up against things that I have on the go, that seem to get to a certain point, and I don't let it get out into the world, where it would be seen. So I definitely have that fear of being seen. That's why the BWA has been good, to keep making me realize, see that, and move towards being seen more. Right, yeah. Like right now! (Laughs) Like right now! Yes, exactly! My first reaction when you asked me to do this was “Hell no!” (Laughs) And then a few people said to me, “Well… Isn't this why you're doing this work?” (Laughs) Got me!! I love it. So great. All right, so what's something you're looking forward to right now? I have some nice things coming up! I have a trip to Norway next month, going to see the fjords. In the middle of planning that now… At the same time, my oldest daughter is doing a hiking trip in Nepal, so I'm looking forward to hearing about that. She's got… Actually, both my kids have the hiking bug. But my oldest has more opportunity, and health, to be able to just go for it. I'm at my partner's cottage right now, being in nature… My big thing is I want to write a novel. I have lots of ideas from my family. I'm not sure yet if it's my story to tell. I'm kinda figuring that out. I've also written a children's book. Goes back to trauma again, it teaches young children strategies to self-soothe with when they're triggered. Oh wait, you've written it and published it? Or you've just written it? No, I've just written it… It's sitting on my computer waiting to be illustrated and published, if I can. Oh, that sounds amazing!! Yes! Yes, you can!! Yeah! So it's based on my youngest daughter's golden retriever, who is really in a lot of ways a therapy dog for her, brought her a long way. It's just where the dog teaches the child, does something with the child like meditate, or breathe, or shake. You know how a dog will shake off trauma, just stand there and shake? Yes! Oh, I love that! So it's just repeating things like that, and giving the child confidence to do it on their own, for themselves. Oh! That sounds so great! Oh my goodness! I really hope you can get that out into the world. That sounds amazing! Yeah, I really would like to. It's pretty well-written. I just have to illustrate it, and then figure out how to get it self-published. Oh my goodness. You have my support for that! That sounds so great. Thank you! I'd have to get you to review it for me. I'd be happy to! That sounds so good. Yeah, it's helpful actually, teachers especially. Yeah, I'd be happy to. So, how do you define success? At this point in my life, it's just internal peace. Health is critical. Self-care. Kindness. Curiosity. Courage to change things when you have to. Yeah. That's a big one. Yeah. Yep. I think I'm successful in having amazing and courageous kids, good friends, loving partner. And at the end of the day, accepting that I can't fix everything. And really trying to be okay with being imperfect, instead of controlling the dynamic. Yeah, definitely. Is there anything you wanted to talk about that I didn't ask? I don't think so! I think you've covered quite a lot. Yeah, cool. That's all the questions I have! Any final thoughts? Final thoughts. I would say just… If your purpose of doing these podcasts is to try and show some wisdom, get younger people thinking, maybe… It's just, trust yourself. And do the work. Therapy is the smartest thing you can do, for everybody. We used to think… There was a perception that it was a sign of weakness. Now it's a sign of strength. You've really got to know yourself. And I know I didn't know myself as a young woman. Not at all. And I just wish people to be more prepared. Yeah. Definitely. Every generation of parents tries to do better than the last generation. And maybe we do. Maybe we don't. We always screw up. But hopefully there is a little bit more awareness coming in around mental health. That's what I really wish for. Yeah, I'd like to think so. I do feel like there are just more resources now, too. Yeah, that's right. You're more likely to come across things. Yeah, and like free things online, and online therapy! There are so many resources. That's right, yes! Yeah! Okay well thank you so much for taking the time to chat with me. This was great! You're welcome, I enjoyed it! — Follow Claire on Instagram @claire.benson.927! Thanks for listening, and tune in again next month for the next interview :)

Pod-Crashing Episode 34: Can We Talk BusinessThere’s so many different reasons why people get into podcasting. The love of the laugh, the openness to talk sports, freedom of speech to we’ve got to make some easy money! Yeah? How’s that working for ya? My friend Ron wrote to me the other day physically excited that his podcast had finally started to collect pennies and cents. We’re talking 3 cents. I loved his attitude! Dude! You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to make anything! Look… when I got into podcasting in 2012 I wasn’t in it for the cha and the ching. I was doing nothing but trying to feed my need to perform. Thirty three years of the daily hustle. Then Terrestrial radio saw better ways to lower daily costs. You don’t need a fulltime local on air staff. In the biz we call it Voice Tracking! To the average Joe Blow listener they couldn’t figure out how Ryan Seacrest drives to Charlotte every day to do a show. Once I realized how planners and promoters were utilizing the availability of podcasting to help push the word out about their clients I was hit with a thought, “What if I created a platform that took our terrestrial radio advertisers to an area where they didn’t have to worry about getting their entire life story in a 30 second commercial?” In my head it seemed like a hot ass plan! So I went to the GM. Talked to sales executives. Only to hear, “What are you doing again?” I’ll never forget the GM’s response, “I like what you’re saying but I can’t picture how it’s going to work. Keep working on it.”As production director of the cluster of six stations it became my personal mission to locate the vein of gold. I kept digging for bigger interviews. Content that was lifestyle and affective. I tried religious podcasting to motivational thoughts for creative minds. I didn’t say no to anybody that wanted to talk. Until the day Comedian/Actor Rob Riggle began answering my questions on the show.It was all about the Holiday Inn Express. I could ask anything and everything pointed back to the hotel giant. There was no way this conversation was going to be posted. My listeners didn’t need to hear a 7 minute commercial. That’s when it hit me. Every person I talk with is selling something.I didn’t let it get me down. I studied the path. It’s all about endorsements! As host it became a game to sell their product without listeners calling the episodes an info-mericial. Practice! More practice! Make the mistakes so we can try new things! Eva the promoter and I became extremely good friends because the guests she was bringing to my platform now one million strong were huge. I loved podcasting! It was time to take the plan back to the station GM. Plan? What plan? If you want famous people listeners go to TMZ or Entertainment Tonight. If you want religion you hook up with a church. There was no product.I knew that Eva was making money off her clients. I was trying to create money by not cutting off my foot. Eva was a solid source of content and fame. If I charged her for my digital time and space the race would dry up like a California desert. I knew in my heart somebody was making money. I just knew it wasn’t me nor the radio station. What kept me in the distance was the business world’s lack of knowledge about podcasting. It didn’t become a thorn in radio’s side until 2018. That’s when the top dog companies began to invite podcasters to appear on their digital platforms for free. There’s that word again. Free. I’ve been a Broadcast instructor since 1988. Not a single class went by that didn’t hear my Free Radio People speech. Radio people are passionate about their performance. So passionate that 90 percent of us left our homelands to chase down the next big thing. We’d go from state to state, fired here. Fired there. Screamed at by listeners, sales people and whoever else needed to vent in the moment. I was convinced in 1988 that one day Radio people would be doing it for free. Podcasting has given extremely creative minds the opportunity to play radio exactly what their hearts want to design. We already know about sacrifice! What’s one more tiny little podcast really gonna cost? Can we talk business? Unless you’re Mike Rowe, Marc Moron or Joe Rogan you might have a fighting chance to collect some change for the candy machine. The real money being made is still connected to the hard working, deeply dedicated and extremely passionate promoters that have set up shop on their sacred grounds and increasingly blessed every day to connect the dots. Then call or send an email to the podcaster wondering when the interview will be posted. We’ve talked about this before. Most podcasters put up one to two shows a week. I’m old school radio. I program every inch of the process. There’s so much structure on how the content is delivered that it might actually straighten the Leaning Tower of Pisa.How do you make money? I drive Michael Greenspan of Greenspan Advertising crazy! 2am text messages that shout “I’ve got it! We can!” We work closely together introducing podcasting to clients. Selling their products without sounding like an info-mercial. Anybody can do it but can you do it being real and without dropping a price point? Practice it every day! What about businesses that want to do their own podcasts? I brought this up to a very famous steakhouse totally ending the conversation after one thought, “It’s cool that you want to produce and performer your own episodes. I’ll be over to the restaurant in an hour to use your kitchen to cook my hotdogs.” So what’s the moral of the story? People are making money with podcasting. Promoters and Ad Agencies working with national brands seeking free appearances on podcasts all over the world. Well what about the talent, the hosts and the creators of the podcast? I had a comedian tell me a couple months back, “Nope not gonna get into podcasting. I’m too late. The time and energy required to barely scratch into an extremely overcrowded arena is time I can make money somewhere else.”

I Survived My Suicide - Part 1I Survived My Suicide - Part 2I Survived My Suicide - Part 3FamilyLife Today® Radio TranscriptReferences to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Life in Spite of MeDay 3 of 3 Guest:                          Kristen Jane Anderson From the Series:         And Then God...________________________________________________________________­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­Bob:  At age 17, Kristen Jane Anderson survived a suicide attempt.  Today, more than ten years later, she has a powerful message for those who find themselves in despair. Kristen:  If you're struggling with pain in your life or with suicidal thoughts or with depression, I want you to know that there's a reason you are here, that God created you for a purpose.  No matter what you're going through, it's temporary.  You're not alone.   He has tremendous plans for us, every single one of us.  Nobody is an accident including you.  There is a reason you're here.  So, I just want to encourage you to hold on, to seek God with all of your heart, and I know that you will find Him.  He will bring you out of the depths of despair like he has me. Bob:  This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, September 10th.  Our host is the President of FamilyLife, Dennis Rainey and I'm Bob Lepine.  Kristen Anderson joins us today to give a reason for the hope that is within her.  And welcome to FamilyLife Today, thanks for joining us.  We've been hearing a remarkable story of God's redeeming work in the heart and the life of a young woman this week.  A young woman who attempted suicide by laying across railroad tracks, and miraculously, God spared her life.   But, I'm just thinking, here we are at a point in the unfolding of this story where all of a sudden, life has meaning and purpose, joy and hope.  There's just this one bummer, and that is, “I don't have legs anymore.”  I don't mean to sound crass or trivial about it but… Dennis:  It's the result of what took place. Bob:  Here is hope re-dawning but, I'm in a wheelchair with no legs.  Life is going to be very different from here on out because of a decision I made—an impulsive decision—trying to end my own life. Dennis:  Well, that young lady joins us again on FamilyLife Today; she's the author of the book, Life in Spite Of Me.  Kristen Jane Anderson joins us again on FamilyLife Today, Kristen welcome back.  I just have to tell you, I really appreciate your willingness to go back and revisit some very painful moments both emotionally and physically as you shared about that attempt at suicide. Kristen:  Thank you; I really appreciate you having me on. Dennis:  I wanted to ask you, just as you have processed the loss of your legs like Bob is talking about here, people who lose a limb experience what's called “phantom pain”?  Kristen:  Yes. Dennis:  Or they have the feeling, the phantom is as though their legs are still there? Kristen:  Right. Dennis:  Do you experience that? Kristen:  Yes. I always feel like my legs are still there.  It's really interesting.  It's not like they feel normal or anything.  But it feels like they're still there.  It's very interesting. Bob:  Are there times you'll wake up in the middle of the night and without stopping to think about it, think “I'll just swing my legs out and get up out of bed”? Kristen:  Not as often as I used to.  In the beginning I used to always be really surprised by my wheelchair next to my bed.  But now I'm pretty used to it.  Every once in a while I'll think, “I want to go for a run.”  Or something like that, that I can't do any more. Bob:  The thing that I keep thinking about here is, at a point when your life experienced a radical transformation, you trusted Christ, you began to understand what it means to follow Him and to give your life to Him, and you're a new creation in Christ.  The thing is, the old you had legs, the new you doesn't.   Kristen:  Right. Bob:  How do you process that? Kristen:  The thing that helped me the most was learning that I was whole in Christ, whether or not I had legs isn't what made me whole.  He was more than enough for all of me, I didn't need anything more.  The more that I trusted Him, and I put my faith in Him, the more I just felt whole.  I realized I was going to fine without my legs.  I was going to be fine as long as I had Him.  I didn't need them as much as I needed Him. Dennis:  You said before we came into the studio, that you've been working with—is it a physician who creates prosthetics? Kristen:  Yes, he's called a prosthetist. Dennis:  You've been working with him for four years? Kristen:  Longer actually.Dennis:  Actually longer than that?  Yet, it's interesting to see your demeanor.  You have some opinions about why they have not been able to fit you with legs at this point. Kristen:  Yes.  I'm a difficult case to fit.  But I think that everything happens for a reason, and I think there's a reason I'm not walking now.  As I've tried to think through that, pray through that and see what the reasons might be, I feel like, it's just not God's time yet.  I think that He has used my story and me in a way that he had planned to use it with me in my wheelchair.   It has also taught me a tremendous amount of patience, and it has made me a lot more humble for me to be in my wheelchair. Dennis:  I'm listening to you say that, and I'm flashing back to the story of January 2nd, 2000, when you were draped across the railroad tracks and described something supernaturally, almost pushing you down as the train ran over you.  Even though your legs were severed, you lost them.  The condition of the young lady who had laid down on that track was without hope. Kristen:  Right. Dennis:  … had no purpose. Kristen:  Right Dennis:  The woman today who has no legs has a mission.  She's on a mission.  You're smiling.  There are a lot of people who would say “I don't get that.  How can you smile about that?  Do you really believe that God has a purpose?  Even in a self-described act of selfishness in trying to take your own life?” Kristen:  Only God can give me this kind of joy.  Only knowing Him and having a relationship with Him.  Nothing compares to knowing Him.  I am on a mission now.  You're right.  Because I want people to know that no matter what pain they're going through, no matter what they're feeling, no matter what they have in their past, or they're doing now, God can help them.   He can heal that pain, he can bring them out of their situations and their disappointments and he can make them whole again.  He can give them a purpose.  He has a purpose for them.  When He made them, when He created them he had a plan for their lives. Bob:  But, here's my question for you.  The joy that you're talking about, the hope the purpose, do you have that because you know you're supposed to, because you're a Christian—do you know what I'm saying?  It's like… Dennis:  And she goes to Moody Bible Institute… Bob:  I mean, I go to church and they've been telling me, “You find your joy and your hope in Christ so I guess I need to, and I'm on a mission so I need to tell people that I have hope and joy…” Dennis:  I wish people could see her face right now. Bob: “…because that's my job now.” Kristen:  No, that's not me at all.  I will tell you what I think no matter what.  That's just actually how I feel.  I tried to find joy in every other area of my life, and nothing else brought me joy.  Seeing myself through His eyes, and seeing the world through His eyes and accepting Him into my life, and having Him at the center of things just make everything work a lot differently; it changes everything for me. So, I'm excited because I know Him.  I'm happy because I know that I'm exactly where I need to be.  I have joy because He has forgiven me, because He gave me a second chance over and over and over again. Bob:  So you've got more joy with no legs than you ever had when you had your legs. Kristen:  Undoubtedly.  I wouldn't trade what's happened to me, what I've learned to have them back. Dennis:  As you talk to young people around the country, are you seeing a need for them to find the same spiritual legs that you have found.   Kristen:  Yes.  Every time I share my story with young people or older people.  They all come up to me—almost every single one of them—and tell me that they struggled with suicidal thoughts and depression at one time, they are now struggling or they know somebody who has.  So, they want to know how to help them or they want to know how they can be helped.   Suicide and depression is an epidemic in our culture.  Eight out of ten people think about suicide and one out of ten try.  It's the third cause of death of those between the ages of 15 and 24.  I just want to make any difference that I can in the lives of those people, and those statistics.  I know that they don't have to choose suicide as the answer, it's not an answer.  It's not a choice to even consider.  I want people to realize that there is another way, there is a much better way, it is the only way and that is through Jesus Christ. Bob:  One of the ways in which you've seen God demonstrate what He's doing in your life happened when you were baptized right? Kristen:  Yes.  When I was baptized, I shared my story for the first time, and it really helped me realize His faithfulness through all of it.  He did all of these little things to bring me into a relationship with Him. Dennis:  I want to just stop you for a second.  I want to put a timeline on this.  Your accident happened January 2, 2000.  You began a relationship with Christ in March, right?  How long before you were baptized? Kristen:  It was three years later.Dennis:  So you'd had some time to truly think about this decision you'd made, before you told your story publicly. Kristen:  Right.  I didn't even know that people were encouraged to get baptized after they accepted Christ until I started going to a church where I learned that.  So, everything—you couldn't have really seen the fruit in my life until I really started growing spiritually once I got to that church.  But when I shared my story, at my baptism that day, I cried like crazy.   At the end of it, they gave an invitation for people who had not accepted Christ yet, who wanted a relationship with Him, who wanted a new life with Him, and wanted to know they would go to Heaven.  My mom raised her hand that day at my baptism.  That was just the beginning of God bringing every single one of us in my family to Him.  It was an incredible time. Bob:  Did you know that?  Did you see her out in the congregation raising her hand? Kristen:  I saw her.  I was actually two people down from her at that time.  It was at the end of the service. Bob:  What did you think? Kristen:  I just remember thinking, “Thank you God, thank you God”  just giving Him praise.  I saw Him doing amazing things in my family.  I knew that the closer we all were with Him, the better our family life would be, and the more healthy we would be.  I just knew the difference it would make in our hearts and in our lives.  I wanted her to forgive herself. Dennis:  Oh, yes. Kristen:  She blamed herself for what I did and I knew it wasn't her fault.  I knew it wasn't my dad's fault.  It wasn't anyone's fault but my own.  I took full responsibility for it and I knew that if she could feel Christ's forgiveness, she could begin to forgive herself. Bob:  Was she the first person in your family to come to faith? Kristen:  Yes. Bob:  Who was next? Kristen:  Then it was my dad, then it was my brother. Dennis:  Before you go on to that.  Your dad had a special nickname for you. Kristen:  Yeah—How do you know this? Bob:  We do our research on stuff like this. Dennis:  What was that nickname?Kristen:  He called me “Speedy Two-Shoes.”   Dennis:  Why did he say that? Kristen:  Because I would run around the house and up and down the stairs and everything, like crazy. Dennis:  But he came to faith in Christ, too? Kristen:  Yes. Dennis:  Was that dramatic for him to place his faith in Christ? Kristen:  It has been incredible.  He is one of the largest encouragements in my life now.  He loves Christian radio, he listens to radio all the time, he reads his Bible all the time, he's always speaking… Bob:  Can we say hi to him right now?  We just want to say hi to your dad if he's listening to the radio. Kristen:  He's just an incredible blessing.  I cannot believe—he always says that he praises God for what He's done in my life.  He's just so grateful for the way He turned my life around, for the way Jesus turned my life around and for the ways he is using me now. Bob:  What was the turning point for him?   Kristen:  In Christian radio actually.  He listened to Moody radio a lot and that was the biggest thing for him.  He started reading his Bible.  When I started going to church, I brought my mom with me, and she brought my dad with her.  That's when it all happened.  Then, he brought my brother to a men's conference and that's when my brother became a Christian. Bob:  Wow. Dennis:  I'm just thinking, Bob.  You think back to the trauma of what Kristen has been through, the lack of hope that you had as a young person.  If somehow we could have come to you and told you what was going to occur, would you have believed it as a 15, 16, 17 year old young lady?  Would you have believed your family would be transformed by Jesus Christ? Kristen:  No.  I wouldn't have believed it. Dennis:  How are they more of a family today than they were back then? Kristen:  We're more of a family because we talk about things now.  We talk about real life.  We talk about what's hurting us, what helps us, what God is doing in our hearts and in our lives.  We pray together and we support each other and we encourage each other.  We did some of that before, but it was a lot more surface level, there were a lot more walls.  Now we are just completely real with each other, and we have Jesus at the center.  He just makes it all work in a completely different way. Dennis:  And it works perfectly.  There is never any conflict or any disappointment or… Kristen:  No.  It doesn't work—nothing is perfect.  But, it is completely different.  It is a lot easier now.  We know from scripture a much better way to handle problems and we know that God is with us.  We know He's going to carry us through whatever we face.  We know that he commands us to forgive one another, so we do that.  We mean it, and we love each other more. Bob:  You shared your story publically for the first time at your baptism.  But then people started saying, would you come share your story with this group or with that group.  Did that take you by surprise?  Were you a little uncomfortable with that at first? Kristen:  It was very surprising for me.  I wasn't expecting that at all.  But, because they heard me share my story at my baptism, they knew my story and they knew that it might help some young people.  That's why I decided to share it for the first time after my baptism.  It was at a high school youth group in my church.  I really just did it because I wanted them to learn from my mistakes, and didn't want them to have to have anything like that happen to them before they had a real growing relationship with Christ.  I just wanted to help them in any way that I could help them grow.   So, I shared my story and after I shared my story, almost all of them came up to me and told me that they were struggling.  They were reaching out for help because they didn't know how they could face another day or another year.  They were all in different situations.  I wanted to help them all, but I couldn't do that.  But, I began helping as many kids as I could.  I began speaking at other churches and youth events where I was invited to speak.   Bob:  You began helping them how?  What were you doing? Kristen:  I was just talking with them, I was just being there for them.  I was just loving them.  They just needed somebody who understood and who could give them, godly advice.  So I tried to do that as best as I could as I was growing spiritually. Bob:  We don't realize how huge that is in the life of a teenager, for somebody to come along and say, “I'll listen, I'll talk.  Just share whatever you want to share.” Dennis:  Yes, but what really gave you the credibility, is that you were willing to be authentic.  I mean, you are a living testimony, a living illustration… Kristen:  I didn't pretend like my life was perfect, or like it ever was.  I told them exactly what it was, and what it is now. Dennis:  If I was a parent, listening to you right now, I think I might be a little afraid.  No, seriously, for young people today growing up in this culture, why do you think young people today seem to be more susceptible to what you're calling “hopelessness and suicide, and despair”?   Kristen:  I think they're more impressionable.  I think they think more about what other people think about them.  They are not content with who they are.  They have all the pressures of media to look this way, or get this car or whatever it is.  They don't think they are ever good enough.  They don't think they'll ever amount to anything.  They think that they aren't beautiful, they think that they're not special, they don't know that God made them, created them for a purpose or for a reason.   I think that, I would be scared as a parent for those reasons too.  I think that the best thing that parents can do, though is to be authentic with their kids just like they want their youth leaders to.  They need to be the first encouragement in their lives after Christ.  Not the youth pastor, not the youth leaders, they need to be involved, they need to ask the questions, they need to have the real vulnerable talks, and they need to be open to whatever they are saying, whatever they're going through, and whatever their friends are going through.  They need to keep the lines of communication open, I guess, because that was one of the problems for me.  I didn't feel like my mom would understand.  I thought she would think badly of me, or of my friends.   Bob:  You started, not only speaking at youth group or some places around town, but now you are getting invitations to travel and speak.  And you spoke at the chapel at Moody Bible Institute.  You spoke in Christian colleges, I mean it started to just snowball for you. Kristen:  Yes, I was getting more requests to share my story specifically, than I could even go.  I couldn't go all the places I was being invited.  Bob:  Then at one point, you got a call to come share your story in an unusual setting. Kristen:  Yes, I got a call to share my story on Oprah, and that was in 2006. Dennis:  There was only one condition that you gave the producers of Oprah, it was the condition that you would appear on the program. Kristen:  I told them that I would be on the show if they would let me share Jesus and my faith, because, that was the biggest part of my story.  That was my story, I couldn't change it. Dennis:  You didn't have anything to say if you couldn't talk about Him. Kristen:  Exactly. Dennis:  I want to go to a bigger issue of your future.  I have a feeling there is a listener or two wondering, “I wonder what her dreams are for her life.”  Tell us what you'd like to do, and be long haul.  You want to be a wife?  A mom?  Huh? Kristen:  I think that God created me to be a wife and a mother more than anything else.  But I also think that He made me to help bring other people into a closer relationship with Him.  So, that is my main focus, my main drive right now before I get married and have children.   Dennis:  But if you meet the right guy, you are beaming right now.  If you meet the right guy, you're going to go to a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway.  You're going to go through the pre-married section. Kristen:  Yes. Dennis:  You already had some coaching on this.  And she's grinning.  We'll stop right there, Bob. Bob:  I think that's wise of you to do. Dennis:  I think it is. Bob:  Yes.  Dennis:  Well, I just want you to know, I really admire you and your courage.  I think it could have been very easy for a young lady in a hospital bed, waking on January 3, 2000, to have just, given up, and maybe gone ahead and died.  But somehow God pursued you and gave you a flicker of hope.  You didn't give into hopelessness but took something that was really a wrong choice, a bad choice at the time, and you turned to Him.  I'm just thrilled to hear your story of redemption, Kristen, and, to hear of God's work in your life.  I hope you'll not only share Jesus Christ with the hundreds of thousands  of folks who'll be listening to FamilyLife Today, but also millions through your book, and other speaking engagements that God gives you.  Thanks for being on our broadcast.   Kristen:  Thank you so much.  It was a pleasure to meet both of you. Bob:  I have to tell you, I think there are a lot of people who have heard you share your story this week who are thinking, “Boy, I'd love to read her story.  But more than that, I know someone who could really benefit from reading Kristen's story.”  The book you've written is called Life in Spite of Me, we've got it in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center.   Let me encourage you to go online at FamilyLifeToday.com for more information on how to order a copy of Kristen's book.  We also have other resources on depression and on suicide.  You can find those when you go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com or if you need help, if you're looking for something specific, call 1-800-FL-TODAY and talk to someone on our team about what resources we might have available, either online or something we can send out to you.   Again, the toll free number 1-800-358-6329. That's 1-800 F as in “family” L as in “life” and then the word TODAY.  Or go online at FamilyLifeToday.com.   Now, I need to remind listeners, today is the last day that you can sign up for our FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It Cruise, that is going to be sailing from south Florida on Valentine's Day, February 14th, 2011.  Dennis and Barbara Rainey are going to be on board the ship, along with Crawford and Karen Loritts, Kirk Cameron, Shaunti Feldhahn, Mary Ann and I are going to be there as well.  Music from Point of Grace and Selah, and Big Daddy Weave.  It's going to be a great week for couples and we hope you can come along.   I say today's the last day to sign up, actually you can sign up after today, but two things are happening.  First of all, the ship is starting to fill up, and secondly, today is the last day for the buy-one-get-one-free half price offer that we're making to FamilyLife Today listeners.   If you sign up today, and you type my name, type “BOB” where you see the promo code box on the online form, you will save 50 percent on your stateroom costs.  So, again get more information by going online at FamilyLifeToday.com, click the link to the Love Like You Mean It cruise, and get signed up today.  Then we'll see you Valentine's Day as we set sail from south Florida. And with that we've got to wrap things up for today.  I hope you have a great weekend.  I hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend.  I hope you can join us back on Monday.  Paul Miller is going to be here to help us unravel the mystery of prayer, and talk about what we can do to have a richer, deeper, prayer life.  We'll talk about that Monday, I hope you can be with us. I want to thank our engineer today Keith Lynch and our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you Monday for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. Help for today.  Hope for tomorrow. © Copyright 2010 __________________________________________________________________We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you.  However, there is a cost to transcribe, create, and produce them for our website.  If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would   you consider donating today to help defray the costs?  Copyright © FamilyLife.  All rights reserved.www.FamilyLife.com     

On THIS episode: Last week AJ & I made a challenge to track just how much we were using our phones. We have some interesting findings, some of which may surprise you!* Is your car ready for the summer driving season? Yeah? How about a zombie apocalypse? We'll talk trunk tech for your upcoming roadtrip.To all the men and women who serve the United States of America, and have made many sacrifices, please accept our heartfelt thanks. This is BPM:Tech!We record LIVE from the "Greenhouse" Room in the Barkly Village Woods Coffee House Listener Voicemail: Ariana- Group apps for easy rinse, wash, and reinstall?“Repeal and Replace” your apps* RealizD realizations * Chris - Averaging 90 minutes a day on my phone. I pick up my phone about 50 times a day. * Higher usage after work hours. * Results may vary with screen shutoff time. Mine's set to 1 minute; more turning phone back on.*AJ- Averaged 35 pickups a day and 149min of screen time**Billboard Top Ten chart; check your app usage under the battery section (iOS)* The Life-Changing Magic of Factory Resetting your phone * Chris - When I need an app, I install it. Keeps my phone even more streamlined.Roadside Tech Kit* Nulaxy Wireless In-Car Bluetooth FM Transmitter Radio Adapter (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B018E0I01I/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1) - $18 on Amazon.* STANLEY J5C09 Jump Starter (https://www.amazon.com/STANLEY-J5C09-1000-Starter-Compressor/dp/B002X6VXL4/ref=sr_1_5?s=automotive&ie=UTF8&qid=1495829496&sr=1-5&keywords=portable+car+battery+jump+starter) - 1000 Peak/500 Instant Amps, 120 PSI Air Compressor - $72 on Amazon.* DBPOWER 600A Peak 18000mAh Portable Car Jump Starter (https://www.amazon.com/DBPOWER-18000mAh-Portable-Starter-Charging/dp/B01D42TYFC/ref=sr_1_4?s=automotive&ie=UTF8&qid=1495829590&sr=1-4&keywords=portable+car+battery+jump+starter), Battery Booster and Phone Charger with Smart Charging Port - $73 on Amazon.* Jumper Cables with Travel bag (https://www.amazon.com/EPAuto-Booster-Jumper-Cables-Travel/dp/B01AXBB2VG/ref=pd_sim_263_6?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B01AXBB2VG&pd_rd_r=1MW5PZQANKHAF7K68XZJ&pd_rd_w=JrqRt&pd_rd_wg=ICoyI&psc=1&refRID=1MW5PZQANKHAF7K68XZJ) - $18 on Amazon.REPEAL AND REPLACE BPM TECH Challenge this week: Evaluate and repeal those apps you don't really need. Using that Billboard Battery Top Ten Apps method, see if you can take off an app you don't really need every day next week- can you take off at least 5 apps you don't really use?? Connect with us* AJ: patreon.com/ajbarse (http://patreon.com/ajbarse) or follow me on Twitter/Instagram both are @ajbarse. * **_VLog is on hiatus due to personal/family medical issues, but the feed will still have photography from my adventuring and travels . _*** Chris: You can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and Medium as @mnmltek * Quiet Conversations newsletter: bit.ly/quietchris (http://bit.ly/quietchris) * 100 Tech Tips - An ongoing project: www.100techtips.com (http://www.100techtips.com/)Listen to us* If you're in the Bellingham area, be sure to listen to our show on KMRE 102.3 FM! * Thursdays at 9 am * Saturdays at 1:30 pmTalk to us* Got a question about technology or anything else about life in Bellingham? Leave us a voicemail! * 201-731-8324 (tel:2017318324) (**TECH)** * Ask us nicely! We may include it in one of our future shows.Thank You for Joining Us* Subscribe to us on iTunes, Google Play Store, Soundcloud, Spreaker, or wherever else you podcast. And check out our website at bellinghampodcast.com (http://bellinghampodcast.com/)

Psst.. Ya like zombies? Yeah? How about ARGENTINE zombies? Well, you're in luck, buck-o, because on this week's No-Budget Nightmares we're taking a look at 1997's PLAGA ZOMBIE, which has all the skin ripping, face peeling, blood drinking and ear slicing one could want out of a microbudget zombie movie from 1997! Not only that, but Moe and Doug get POLITICAL, with crucial pointed commentary spread throughout. STOP READING and START LISTENING.

Greetings! Ever told yourself that one day you'd get rid of everything and see the world? Yeah? How's that going? This week: Meet a workin' man, artist Tony Streeter - a mere mortal, like you and me - as he talks about doing that very thing. Take a listen! (Unless you're already doing that right now, in which case... SEE IT ALL. We'll still be here when you get back.) Enjoy!

Sure the daily specials are good too, but it is hard to beat the usual, which in today’s lesson is a cheese bacon burger with fries and a soft drink. Learn about how to invite your friends to try something new to eat.DialogueA: Ô Carlinhos, qual é o prato do dia? B: Hoje tem bife à milanesa com arroz e feijão. A: É? Como é? É bom? B: É muito bom, você quer experimentar? A: Obrigada, prefiro o mesmo de sempre. B: X-Bacon, batatas fritas, e um guaraná bem gelado, não é? A: É isso mesmo.A: Hey Carlinhos, what is the daily special? B: Today is breaded steak with rice and beans. A: Yeah? How is it? Is it good? B: It’s really good, do you want to try it? A: Thanks, I prefer the same as always. B: Cheese bacon, french fries, and a super cold guaraná, right? A: You’ve got it.

Sure the daily specials are good too, but it is hard to beat the usual, which in today’s lesson is a cheese bacon burger with fries and a soft drink. Learn about how to invite your friends to try something new to eat.DialogueA: Ô Carlinhos, qual é o prato do dia? B: Hoje tem bife à milanesa com arroz e feijão. A: É? Como é? É bom? B: É muito bom, você quer experimentar? A: Obrigada, prefiro o mesmo de sempre. B: X-Bacon, batatas fritas, e um guaraná bem gelado, não é? A: É isso mesmo.A: Hey Carlinhos, what is the daily special? B: Today is breaded steak with rice and beans. A: Yeah? How is it? Is it good? B: It’s really good, do you want to try it? A: Thanks, I prefer the same as always. B: Cheese bacon, french fries, and a super cold guaraná, right? A: You’ve got it.