Clamshell Case Files

This is it, for now. So to close out the show, Bridget, Matt, and Quintin talk about all 100 movies (and definitely only 100 movies; they most certainly didn't watch a specific movie from 1996) they watched for the podcast and rank them! It's all just an excuse to reminisce about the past few years, and gather around one last time to talk about movies. But don't worry, while the podcast is ending, we'll still be around. We're planning some big things for 2022, so check out our Youtube channel and social media handles in the near future to see what we've got cooking.

Well, we finally did it: found a film that had the potential to damage children irreparably and involved characters living in a literal trash can. We couldn't think of a better way to go out! So we talk about one last movie before calling it a podcast. One where tiny, disgusting little goblin “children” work in a sweatshop and pee and vomit and eat human body parts. Our work here is done.

It's a very special episode as Brady expert and Matt's sister Laurie Spring is back again to talk about her favorite tv family. Listen in as the crew goes to business and talks about architectural sabotage, Alice's indentured servitude, and disgusting pie-eating table manners. Will they find the true meaning of Christmas? No, absolutely not. Also, be sure to tune in to the next show for a VERY SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.

World of Commotion's Danielle Brown and Jarrod Staples join us once again to talk about another beloved Disney property everyone surely remembers. An intellectual property so ingrained in the public consciousness that Disney would have no need to go and pick up the rights to a different, more marketable science fiction property 35 years later! Only one movie has the backbone to explore topics like robo slaves, the origin of Satan, and what if Slim Pickins was a robot that suffered constant abuse, and it certainly doesn't have a Skywalker.

In a world where every child is Drew Barrymore, the mob runs addiction management companies, and suburban houses have Troll infestations, only one cat can hit it big in Atlantic City and still save the day. From the drugged out mind of Stephen King comes the eternal question: what is this troll's deal? Where did he come from!?Content Warning: There's some talk of a plot point involving threatened sexual assault throughout the show.

This week, we have not one...not two...but THREE adaptations of Washington Irving's the Legend of Sleepy Hollow...for Halloween! First up, Bing Crosby constant body shaming in Disney's The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949). Next up, the sweet sound of Glen Close's voice in Rabbit Ear's partially animated The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Then finally, we lose count of decapitations in Tim Burton's Sleepy Hollow (1999).

Only one dinosaur movie from 1993 had the audacity to tell truths that the big Hollywood studios were afraid to tackle. Sure, Jurassic Park hints at man's folly, but only this Roger Cormon produced classic dares to float the hypothesis that maybe people are so terrible that all women should be killed by a virus that forces them to birth dinosaurs, dooming humans to extinction. Fans of nihilistic dinosaur puppets are in for the ride of their lives...probably in some sort of tractor trailer truck hauling live chickens.

Bridget's original pick for episode 69 has everything you'd expect from a sexy romance film: pickup artist Dracula, terrible accents, trains, Beastman getting it on, and of course, discussions about real estate deals. You haven't lived until you've seen a woman excitedly share her bed with Bat Boy's hot older brother!

They don't make ‘em like they used to! I mean, how many murders do kids in movies witness these days? One? Maybe two? But do they witness upwards of 3 murders, relive several of them over and over, almost get murdered himself, and by a close family friend? So this week, Matt wants to bring us back to those simpler times, and to one of the movies that inspired the creation of this podcast!

It's a kids movie that teaches important lessons like dealing with grief, the passage of time, not trusting the government, and the theory of general relativity! If you don't remember this one, don't worry. Neither does Sarah Jessica Parker, apparently! This podcast also contains multiple minutes about how we all just thought this movie starred Henry Thomas.

This week, Bridget brings one of the most infamously traumatizing films from older millennials' youths. The film that made us all distrust bees, learned to leave our lost mood rings in the woods, and assume we could die at ANY time. Returning to it 30 years later, there's plenty of other trauma to pull from this movie! Vada Sultenfuss is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

CW: Sexual assault and child abuse. This week, Fair is Fair! What does that mean? It means a couple of kids from Corpus Christi, Texas are going to get the 600 some-odd dollars they're owed from a sketchy businessman and his degenerate son before shipping out for Vermont, land of maple syrup and seasonal outdoor sports. A movie so famous it got its own Pat Benetar theme and at least two Blu Ray releases. Really? You've never heard of it? But Billie Jean was so famous! They even made frisbees with her face on them!

We go on an adventure with special guest Christopher Brown (Old Men Yell at Cloud), a talking bear with a tape deck in his back, and a creepy old inventor whose only friends appear to be teenagers. So get ready to travel to the land of Grundo, a place with a name that sounds like it needs a shower, as we embark on a quest to find treasure, gawk at the aristocracy, and ponder just how any of these idiots has survived this long without falling out of an airship to their deaths.

Sure, the online discourse circled back around to 2017 with people talking about the short story Cat Person again, but we're here to talk about ACTUAL CAT PEOPLE from 1992. So if you're a fan of monster incest, deputized attack cats, cultural appropriation of indiginous myths, or Santo and Johnny, we have the episode for you!CW: Sexual Assault at 1:02, Animal Abuse throughout

What better way to spend the week of the fourth going to the definitive text of the birth of America. You know, the one where the voice of KITT from Knight Rider is our nation's (future) second president, middle-aged men complain about the heat and flies, and there are multiple songs about giving it to your wife real good, like a true patriot! Bridget excitedly brings this loose musical adaptation of the start of the American Revolution and the crew spends a surprising amount of time talking about...violins?

World of Commotion's Danielle Brown joins us this week, bringing with her a fancy potion which she obtained from a mysterious, sexy, European lady. This woman claimed it'd grant us immortal life, but all we got were various hole-based injuries. Thankfully, this movie held up against the ravages of time!

We’re closing out E-MAY-lio with Scott Kurland (of Writer’s Bagel Basket and Hell is a Musical) and getting way too into Minnesotan peewee hockey due to court appointed public service for all our previous podcast indiscretions. So join us for an inspirational story that includes the institutional racism of gerrymandered district lines and the court’s willingness to go easy on white collar offenders! Oh and there’s some cute kids and a bit of that ice puck game thing Bridget and Matt seem to like so much too.

E-MAY-lio continues, as does the saga of Billy the Kid. Or Billy the Very Old Man on his way to get the early bird special at his favorite diner, the Mexican Blackbird. Jarrod Staples (of World of Commotion fame) is back to talk Bon Jovi, blatant historical inaccuracies, and the worst (or best?) fake old person voice we’ve ever heard.

We’re kicking off E-MAY-lio with special guest Jarrod Staples and this slice of totally, completely accurate Western history. Sure, character ages and motivations are wrong, problematic caricatures are invented just for the movie, and the extended peyote scene makes almost no sense, but would we ever get to see Emilio Estevez’s butt without this film? Yes? Then I don’t know why we’re watching this either. Also, if you’re interested in donating to the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch like Bridget and Quintin, you can check out their Gofundme link here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/23ihgxnlc0?utm_campaign=p_cp_url&utm_medium=os&utm_source=customer

This week, we welcome Lilz Martin (of Jukebox Zeroes and Hell is a Musical fame) to go for a walk outside today. Join us to see what we find, today. Warning: it’s almost definitely animal abuse. No animal escapes, be it muskrat, snake, bird, cat, dog, fox, or bear! So skip the horror of watching the movie and listen to us have an impromptu therapy session!

In honor of the 35th Anniversary/Public Execution of Mario, we’re talking about the movie that TWO major corporations and pretty much everyone involved in the production wish you would forget. With a bafflingly great cast (Bob Hoskins! John Leguizamo! Dennis Hopper! Samantha Mathis! Mojo Nixon...wait), how could this first-ever live action video game adaptation be a bob-omb? Join us in absolute confusion how a game about throwing fireballs at turtles was turned into a dystopian, anti-fascist, pro-comminist, hyper sexualized, cyberpunk movie!

It’s our two year anniversary, and we recorded live in front of an audience of the internet, from the safety of our own personal fallout shelters! You voted for it, so we talk about Blast from the Past. So break out those champagne cocktails, box up those Rogers Hornsby cards, and settle in for a nice, sweet, kind-hearted movie. What, do you like us or something? We’re honestly baffled.

Peach? We can talk about a peach for hours. And we do! We clear out the dove infestation left by director John Woo and chat about this great act-off starring Nicolas Cage and John Travolta. We hit all the big topics: dove kings, salmon spawning, actors who have appeared on The Wire, and of course, the importance of blood type.

This week the crew strikes first and has no mercy talking about The Karate Kid. It’s a movie that deals in tropey Eastern Mysticism, but also talks about the horrors and realities of Japanese internment camps with more accuracy and honesty than any public school system in 1980s America! Also, some whiny kid really kicks the hell out of his bike. I don’t know, that whole plotline doesn’t seem that important.

Special Guest (and Matt’s sister) Laurie Spring is here to Unleash the Kraken and talk about the open-mouthed, dead-eyed Perseus trust-funding his way into bed with the beautiful Andromeda in Clash of the Titans! Come for the amazing Ray Harryhausen stop-motion animated beasts, stay for their sweet, stop-motion abs and belly buttons!

Welcome to Bahstan, kid! Jeff Bridges plays a BPD bomb squad officer with an inexplicably terrible accent. Tommy Lee Jones is playing a mad Irish bomber with an inexplicably terrible accent. Lloyd Bridges is playing a retired Boston cop who emigrated from Ireland 60 years ago but still has an...you get the idea. Together, they bend the rules of space and time as Boston is primed to explode due to what we can only assume is a bomb under every resident’s bed. Get ready to be...BLOWN AWAY.

Pop Quiz, hot shots! You have a wildcat cinematographer that wants to direct his first action film. He enlists a young polite Canadian and America’s ACTUAL sweetheart. If the film makes under $300 million the bomb explodes. What do you do? What, get on the subway? Oh, you don’t want to do that either…

Auld acquaintance may be forgot, but the Clamshell crew forgets nothing (except all of the times that we do). In this very special New Year’s Eve episode, Bridget, Matt, and Quintin give 2020 a boot in the ass, and rank their top and bottom five movies from the year (minus one film that shall not be named). Thanks for the memories, 2020 Clamshell Cases. You let us escape into worlds with stop-motion dinosaurs, talking gorillas, and a predatory upper class trying to murder the poor. Oh, come on!

We’re ringing in the New Year with not one, but TWO New Year’s Babies, in the form of Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger, in Twins! Bridget decided to give the crew (and you listeners) a break from 2020 as we talk about this sweet, slightly misogynist but ultimately heartfelt Ivan Reitman comedy. Later this week, join the gang as we hold our annual tradition of ranking the 5 Best and Worst movies we watched this year.

‘Tis the season...TO DIE. Apparently, in 1984, the only red thing more offensive to the American public than the Soviets was...a murderous Santa Claus. Gene Siskel shamed the producers on television. Phil Donahue had outraged parents on his show. Theaters flat-out refused to play the film. We...were not impressed. Content Warning: Sexual assault.

We’re closing out Neurovember with a chain smoking, whiskey-infused Pierce Brosnan experimenting on chimps using virtual reality.. When that inevitably goes wrong, he moves onto Jeff Fahey’s simple landscaper, Jobe, turning him into a digital god with the powers of someone’s overpowered Original Character. Suffer with us as we talk about the way-too-long Director’s Cut of the film that Stephen King sued to get his name removed from!

Neurovember continues and Strange Days has found us. A weirdly prescient film that isn’t quite able to read the future room, the crew and returning guest John Crawford travel to the future of New Years Eve, 1999, where the most popular form of entertainment is Juliette Lewis. That’s it. Just Juliette Lewis, doin’ stuff. Singing. Dancing. Aiding and abetting murder. Strap in for a long episode of talking about Ralph Fiennes’ bad American accent and Angela Bassett kicking ass. Content warning: sexual assault.

We’re kicking off Neurovember with the tale of a far-fetched future of 2021, where a global pandemic has brought the world to its knees, pharma companies have a death grip on medical treatments, and nobody wants to go to Trenton. Special guest John Crawford is here talking about one of the formative movies of his youth, the Keanu Reeves vehicle Johnny Mnemonic.

It’s Bridget pick and, it being episode 69, she decided to choose something extra sexy...a David Cronenberg movie! We’re talking about Crash, Cronenberg’s controversial film about symphorophiliacs who are ready to get down to some crash test dummy porn. Don’t worry, while things get steamy, it’s only because Matt and Quintin yell at each other for a while.

This week, special guest Grace Fobert takes a shortcut through the spinning fence to deliver the 1986 made for TV toy commercial, My Pet Monster. It’s time to break those neon orange chains, make a peanut butter and mango sandwich, and get your Tippy to the groomer, if you catch our drift (boing).

As it was foretold in the quatrains of the renowned French physician, Michel de Nostradamus, the Clamshell crew welcomes special guest Orson Welles to talk about Ted Kennedy’s chances of becoming president, the third antichrist and his sweet blue turban, and to find out what they didn’t teach you in history class about...Hister? That can’t be right… Join us as we crack open that skull filled with fine French wine, and embrace our doom-filled future of 1999, and usher in the impending 27-year long WW3!

Zero Science wunderkind Christopher Brown stops by the podcast to avoid his SAT make up exam and to make sure we’re all registered for Helltrack as we talk about one of his favorite movies, RAD. ALL CAPS. The thrilling story of a small town boy with Big BMX dreams, where the CEOs are drunk and sweaty and the unassuming, patriotic 30-something single women forget to turn off their ovens and develop unhealthy attachments to high school bikers. Do YOU have what it takes to become a factory rider!?

This week we have a SUPER MEGA CROSSOVER EVENT! The World of Commotion Crew is here to talk about that famous 2003 Disney-ride adaptation...no no, sorry, not Pirates. We’re talking Eddie Murphy, Terrence Stamp, and Jennifer Tilly’s head! Why have we subjected you to all this? Well, Danielle, Jarrod, and Matt have been talking about The Haunted Mansion over on World of Commotion and, later this week, Bridget and Quintin will be appearing to continue the conversation! We’re...dying to tell you about it! Warning: that awful joke is better than most gags in the Haunted Mansion.

Deep in the jungle of Zaire lies something so terrifying, no man has lived to tell the tale of its secret. That lost treasure? The origin of Ernie Hudson’s and Tim Curry’s accents in Congo. Don’t worry, listener, we have found it and survived to talk about it. You may know it as that movie what with the talking gorilla, but there’s so much more to it. Is it a good movie? Oh, no no no no, NO. Don’t be ridiculous. But it IS a lot of fun.

Special guest Allison White (@allisonwhtartist) and the CCF crew want to know if you ever watched Roger Rabbit and thought, “Gee, I sure wish this movie had more human-on-toon sex!”? Well good news, weirdo, Ralph Bakshi did! And so, he enlisted the help of Kim Basinger, Brad Pitt, and Gabriel Byrne and dumped them into the out-of-control trash fire that is Cool World. Marred by studio interference, a major story change, a lousy budget, and a director that clearly had never directed a live human in his life, Cool World is definitely partially animated, technically a movie, and an hour and forty two minutes of our lives we’ll never get back.

Murder. Scandal. Real Estate Fraud. Patty Cake. None of these are as shocking as Daffy and Donald Ducks sharing a stage together in Who Framed Roger Rabbit! We’re still not sure what is more impressive: The sheer technical accomplishments of this film, or the fact that Disney doesn’t own all of the intellectual property that appears in this movie, yet. Speaking of intellectual property, don’t forget to check out WB’s Looney Tunes on HBO MA- hey, where are you going? Come back!

Ah, summer school. Where kids who couldn’t quite get it together during the academic year come back to master the subjects they failed. You know, reading, writing, practical makeup effects, parallel parking, and getting invited to parties. The three R’s, P’s, and other letters. Wow, I’m writing! See, it’s already working! And how easy would it be to learn if your teachers were Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley? Incredibly difficult and problematic, you say? Well step back into a simpler time when those two weren’t your problematic favs and enroll in Summer School!

Millions of years ago, wolves made films for Quintin to watch. Those films contained terrible acting, scientifically inaccurate stop-motion dinosaurs, and more misogyny than you could shake a hastily crafted spear at. Starring a cast of people you’ve never heard of harassing the local dinosaur population of a distant planet that looks a lot like the Californian desert, will this film kill us all? Or will we triumph, like raccoons on the plateau?

Special guest Patrick Barry (Jukebox Zeroes and Old Men Yell at Cloud) brings us this star-studded nightmare. When Mother Goose (Jean Stapleton) goes missing, her insufferable son Gordon and Little Bo Peep (Shelley Duvall) are on the case to find her. With some low-budget sets, a little verbal domestic abuse, and a 90-minute runtime that feels like forever, maybe they’ll just pull it off. Don’t worry, we’ll stop in and talk to a disgusting amount of celebrities like Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper, Woody Harrelson and, may he rest in peace and oh god we’re so sorry we’re dragging this up so close to his death, Little Richard.

Danielle Brown (@thatdanibelle of World of Commotion) is back with the sequel nobody was asking for. Milla Jovovich and Brian Krause are doing their best Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins impressions while learning about the birds, the bees, the cowrie shells, and getting rid of their trees (if you know what I mean, nudge nudge). But twist! A horned up young belle from San Francisco shows up with her father’s boat, threatening to destroy the islanders’ “natural love.” Also, there’s a generationally vindictive shark and criminal Australians lurking about.

The true winner of our March Madness bracket comes to you from across the pond, bringing us good tidings of Girl Power. Baby, Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Posh are all here, on their insane double decker TARDIS-like with the Richard E. Grant and Claire Rushbrook. Also space aliens? It’s the late 90s and nobody could escape the gravitational pull of the Spice Girls! Not even George Wendt.

This week we end up on a government watch list for YOU...and we go ahead and drag Scott from Writer’s Bagel Basket down with us. We watched Rodney Dangerfield (the world’s most successful 71-year old salesman never to receive a promotion) bumble his way through work and somehow end up coaching his company’s terrible girls’ soccer team. So what’s a down-on-his-luck elderly man to do? Why, dress up his all-star stepson (Jonathan Brandis) as a girl to win while lying to absolutely everyone in his life except his assistant, Jackée Harry. Surely this will in no way end up problematic 28 years later!

The winner (*runner up*) of our CCF March Madness bracket: Drop Dead Fred! If you like gross movies confused as to whether they’re for children or adults that don’t quite seem to know what they want to be about...I guess we have a movie for you? A young divorcée (Phoebe Cates) works through some issues with her maybe-not-imaginary friend, Drop Dead Fred (Rik Mayall), and Carrie Fisher is there to support her and own a houseboat. That’s it! That’s the movie!

March Savageness continues with a Savage combo. Very special guest Allison (@allisonwhtartist on Instagram) brings us a trying film for these very trying times, starring both Fred and Ben Savage: Little Monsters! Described by Bridget as “totally something Quintin would have picked,” the crew cringes their way through Howie Mandel’s bad Robin Williams-meets-Beetlejuice bit, Daniel Stern’s disaffected Wall Street flunkie father and peanut butter and onion sandwiches. This movie was made by absolute monsters and this is them punishing us.

This week, very special guest and podcast mother Kim Keyser brings with her a tale about love and kissing. Also iocane poisoning, rodents of unusual size, and more Wallace Shawn than you can swing a sword at. Kim asked for us to talk about Princess Bride, and who are we to say anything but “As you wish”?

Did you want to be an astronaut when you were a kid? Did you dream of building your own spaceship out of used carnival parts? Did you wish you could share an airtight bubble with River Phoenix and Ethan Hawke in the cold depths of space? Did you fantasize about making out with large, green aliens with weirdly human lips? No? So, just us then? Oh well, you should listen to this episode where we talk about Joe Dante’s Explorers anyway. There may even be some appearances by some Clamshell Case favorites!