At Five In the Afternoon

Yeah, it's Jazz Fest here in New Orleans. And guess who doesn't give a sh*t? We've been coming to Jazz Fest since the mid 90's. The lineup is actually pretty amazing. Once again, we have more reason for J. Andrews to run for mayor. The Anunnaki. And yes, DJ Colorado definitely said, "thruple," the same woman who married J, the TMZ of Canal Street, who accused the mayor of pegging her bodyguard. "You heard it here first, guys!" Don't worry, we'll get to the Man Lounge later.... But first, let's listen to James Bond. More importantly: OJ & Harvey Weinstein can f*ck each other and burn in Hell!

Something different to start. Our hearts go out to everyone mourning as much as we are. The king is gone, but will not be forgotten. Regardless, send us money! And to be clear, Eric Dickerson did not kill anyone (allegedly). Send your letters to Cooperstown: Tell them that Pete Rose deserves to be in the Hall of Fame. And send us your sh*tty gambling puns! We have the greatest DJ of all time! Yeah, the rest is mostly poetry. Tell'm Large Marge sent you!

I'm doing everything I can to try not to convince you not to listen. Unless you like The Dead Milkmen. You don't have to listen. This is what we do. It's what we've done since the beginning. It's out of control. We don't write it, we do it live. F*cking thing sucks. So anyway- Welcome to "At Five in the Afternoon". Yeah, of course KM has prepared a handful of topics, but it's still a sh*tshow. Don't worry, the poetry is better than ever. "Exquisite" according to J. Andrews. Even DJ Colorado gets in on the reading action! It is a literary podcast, after all. Strap in, folks. You bought the ticket, now take the ride...

From the streets of New York... If you're not paying for our Patreon, you're not getting all the content of our cast. If you try to give us money on our Patreon, you're not going to find it. We don't need or want your money. In fact, we don't need or want you to listen. Especially when KM talks about taking a sh*t at work (and going back to the scene of the crime). "Wait, what?" Let's be honest, at some point, the artist Robert Mapplethorpe was probably a john, but he was definitely not a pornographer. Are you ready for our first poetry interlude, folks? Perfect, because we're not even halfway through this cast. 

Seriously, you don't have to listen. So, anyways... In his attempt to be a hilarious a**hole, J somehow accomplished doing something heartfelt and meaningful. Special guest on this cast: Jim Gaffigan (kinda). Cool dude. Unfortunately, J decides to knock DJ Colorado down, but don't worry, she gets up again! If you ever wondered how adorable DJ Colorado is, she says "Caterpillar" when referring to the "The Human Centipede". Ok, let's get real- how would you rather die: Electrocution or Shark? Sorry I asked. It almost led to DJ Colorado's firing. Don't worry, it didn't take- she came back stronger than ever-"It's Electric!! (Boogie Oogie Oogie Oogie)"!! Trigger warning: KMD appreciates garbage art, but J & DJC hate being hungover so much that they can't find it in their hearts to appreciate third-rate comedies. At least we can all appreciate Esquivel! But not Adam Sandler movies. And yeah, there's plenty of poetry. And Puke Fumes...

You're in luck if you have water boarding, horse cum or night vision goggles on your podcast Bingo card! After that we just talk ship for a while. Hey kids! If you're looking for some easily accessible gateway drugs, we've got you covered. And for Patreon's only: J Andrews demonstrates how to dance like a flapper. Shout out to "My Brother". 

Happy birthday to Plus-Sized Domino! Although she ends up saying Talking Heads, let's assume DJ Colorado was trying to say Kraftwerk. And let's assume that KM actually believes that Chief Keef killed Tupac. Rest in Power Jam Master Jay. All this talk of death is of course foreshadowing. It is a literary podcast, after all. It's not synchronicity, it's poetry. Check out and respect Doreen Ketchens, a local New Orleans treasure. This cast is dedicated to KM's grandma, Elaine. "There is no death, only a changing of worlds."     - Chief Seattle

Welcome to our special guest, Moulin Rouge. And apologies to all the Eye-Talians out there. Fuhgettaboutit!!! Don't worry, J will stop yelling and poetry will come to the forefront, but then he will make everyone turn against him, including Nina. From his voice during his first reading, it's obvious KM has no memory of this cast. Look up a clock and do the mathematical equation. Hard to become a cult leader when you used to be in a cult. Tink tink, tink tink! For the record, our Mexican guest brought up the skinheads. Now sit down and shut up- you're back in History class! It's J Andrews' Big Adventure! Keep listening to find out if there's a basement in the Alamo. Actually, stop listening. DJ Colorado definitely did. But that doesn't stop her from being the greatest DJ of all time!!! Carnival!!!! Death!!! Death!!! God bless Trumpet! And for DJ Colorado: The shut up count ended at 10.

"I never did like this f@cking planet anyways." -d.a.levy. And yes, you CAN get pregnant from pre-cast. Carnival continues! Come join us to celebrate Bacchus on February 11th! Mad respect to Chewbacchus. Let's be honest though, parades are only enjoyable on drugs. And now for a shameless self-promotion from J. Andrews. It is a literary podcast, after all. The Year of Bacchus by J. Andrews is on the way! Pre-order at PornHub.com/AtFiveInTheAfternoon for 20% more on the first edition. Fight commerce by ordering early, or else just become a pirate, but before you make a decision, wait for J to explain to you his answer to world peace! So now that that's solved, let's hear about DJ Colorado seeing Nirvana live. Okay, but even they couldn't Beat jazz- just ask Jack...

If you haven't seen Goodfellas, go f*ck yourself. J. Andrews is way too flamboyant. "'Hello Gub'na!" J. wants to tell you about his feelings. Who's your daddy? Welcome to the neighborhood! DJ Colorado almost kills KM Douglas, but he deserves it because he's poor. Visit SpiritAirlines.com/KMDouglas! (For 20% MORE on all domestic flights). What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? DJ Colorado gets fired! Sports corner! Then she gets re-hired. Then a bathroom break. Be patient, J still has a story to tell! Cheers! (Poetry to follow). Eventually....

Muppets is actually a derogatory term used by the British. Sports corner! Who let the dawgs out!?! More importantly: Who let J. Andrews out? We don't need to tell you not to eat toilet paper. There are many more things to indulge in, including Carnival and Mardi Gras. Shout out to our five new Canadian listeners! Oh, poetry? Whoda thunk? So, we're gonna get dark for a moment. All respect to all victims and their families. Do we need more ecological poetry in the world? Thrilling! Don't ever think this isn't a literary podcast, My Brother... It's our soul's birthright. It's the only thing we know.

How was your Xmas? Who cares. How was your New Year's? Who cares. Polygamist relationships are the best! And so is Mexican Lasagne! This cast is sponsored by Ortega. Visit AtFiveInTheAfternoon.com/Ortega for 10% off a 99 cent packet of taco seasoning. Somehow K.M. makes Jeffrey Epstein seem less creepy... We also help you out with some heart health. And then we save marriages. Hims turned down our endorsement offer, so don't buy it. Stand up against AI, "for we are fighting for the very soul of the world". Now poetry...

We're not concerned, DJ Khalid's wife does not listen to this podcast, but DJ Khalid definitely does. Shut up! Numbers are only made for Alien Women. Spoiler alert: DJ Colorado is a 10/10!!! Happy Birthday Black Jesus! No way Jesus was white nor born in December. J was right about Gremlins 2. T.S. Eliot was right about sherbet. Are you ready for a real Xmas poem? Then we exchange gifts. And J is loving it! Turns out KM is pretty good at giving gifts, although it would be better if he gave them a coffee table to go with the coffee table book. Spoiler Alert: The butt knuckle has receded!! Pictures do not tell the whole story. It's too easy to get caught in the spider's web. We should have named this Anal Bead Rosary! Come and get it big boy!

First off, f*ck x-mas, then let's remember one of the greatest musicians of our time- without shying away from the fact that his murderer, like J & K.M., listened to Pink Floyd on acid (and it wasn't "Ummagumma", it was "Atom Heart Mother")- but we didn't kill a cultural icon! After our respectful memorial celebrating the dead Beatle, we seamlessly transition into sports. Now let's talk about the greatest American documentary filmmakers since the 1960's. It only gets worse from here... Then we eventually get to some poetry. You're welcome. And dead serious- if you actually try to donate to Axl Rose, make sure it's going to the old pug in the Quarter and not the old rocker. Speaking of old, K.M. is incapable of remembering anything. Don't worry, J. Andrews saves the cast by reading a love poem. This is a literary podcast. We want to onomatopoeia on you! What are we talking about? Dirty pleasures? If your guilty pleasure is poetry, then listen til the end- otherwise- unsubscribe. 

Special guest this week: A master of clitoral stimulation, Detroit comedian and close friend, Chuck Mitchell!  Unfortunately, he has to witness J drop his drawers and ask for medical advice about his butt from completely unqualified individuals. Please note: Morgan Freeman does not narrate this. And you thought Butt Fungus was bad. Now he has Cauliflower Butt! And then we ruin Xmas. No one wants a dying kangaroo. Don't blame DJ Colorado for missing this obvious opportunity, but Chuck "once got busy in a Burger King bathroom!" He's crazy! But not as crazy as J. Andrews- his bathroom sex story is way worse. And speaking of things getting worse, the podcast continues...

Cruise ships are death machines. Thank god we have a f*cking DJ! Let's get to some fun stuff before we keep insulting each other's moms. Wanna get high? Try carrots. But only if you want to die... If you don't laugh at our dad jokes then you're as dead as journalism. Send us your best band names for K.M.'s new punk band. And please remember J said he would be the drummer. There are no bad ideas in brainstorming. DJ Colorado was right again. Shout out to The Murder Junkies! Don't try this at home kids, although the kid was home at the time. And then we end with J taking on the ghost of William S. Burroughs and other brave poets... What we're saying is, join our cults. 

We're back! We're live! If you love someone, tell them you love them, and if you love someone, peg them, at least on their birthday. Don't hold your breath, we will not get to the 6 escalators in a minute (it's actually 13 minutes). Hey-o! Turns out dentists have yay-yo! Less surprising, drug dealers are the same no matter where you go. Finally we get to hear what J & Colorado actually did in Columbia. Interesting, but sorry, no hippos. And no sex tourism, although J did go full American Psycho flexing while watching himself f%ck in the wall-to-wall bedside mirror. Oops! Turns out there was some sex tourism. Then K.M. catches us up on what we missed out on since the last cast. Rest in Power Bobi! 

This is the closest you'll ever come to understanding what it's actually like to hang out with us. And then we ruin it with our "normal" cast. J likes to think about when people f*ck! Listen to us stumble over the proper way to describe the servers at Hamburger Mary's. Now let's talk about sex toys! And yes, our segues keep getting worse. Remember: It's not a political podcast, it's a literary podcast, so shut up and listen as DJ Colorado continues to impress as J battles KM's A.I. poetry. This is not a laughing matter. Shirley Temple never punched a police horse, and Judy Garland is not Princess Leia. SALTY SEGMENT!!!! DJ Colorado will be in Vegas all next week! Then Columbia. See you in a few weeks after J & Colorado return from the Uncanny Valley. Adiós, fieles oyentes!

Sobriety. Columbian hookers. Nina's 105th birthday. Buckle up, bitches! Also, we introduce our new weekly segment: Salty. Now we're talking. Salt Bae! It's not funny, it's armageddon! Listen to your leaders: The only way to stop the zombie apocalypse is to drink beer. Hard to tell if drunks or sober people are more annoying. Rolling Stone sucks. Cleveland Rocks! Please make sure you understand that K.M. is reading direct quotes, not speaking on his own behalf. Seriously! Just for public relations sake... You probably know by now we're not good at segues. But it's true crime time! OH!!! IO!!!! "Cowboy boots?" What in the tarnation is going on???" That makes sense. Meth hookers take precedence over the origin of humanity. And yes, J is correct- K.M. does interrupt a lot, but just listen back one episode and see how J admits to interrupting while he's drunk. He also shares why he's a vegetarian. So anyway... Goodbye!

It's actually exactly 5 o'clock!!! Tune in next week for what we promised you last week. To make it up to you, K.M. gives you the easiest bar bet to win. Michael Jackson is the Jesus of basketball. I don't know why we're talking about Cosby. Yes, it gets worse... Not sure, but J maybe messed with Texas. We are caught between time, which is our excuse for why we suck. And no, we do not endorse heroin, unless you're over 70. We have a new pen pal! And it's not Will Smith. The floor is J's. Are you willing you to look yourself in the eye and be honest? Are you scared of pooping? There is no escaping regrets... When the world dies, it dies. Be people and die scared.

When you're here, you're family. Special guest on this episode (no joke)- Boy George! #Remember9/12! And remember Bobi! (But please forget J asking about his d*ck)!  Don't worry, the poetry is on topic, but unfortunately, Batman can't compete with fettuccine alfredo. Wait, why are we talking about Prince? Maybe because he was an alien. Regardless, we all know Colorado lives on a stoney planet. Tune in next week to hear what the Sumerians have to tell us about gold... and the origin story of human life on Earth. 

Yes, we start out by talking about the weather... don't worry, eventually there will be poetry. No reason to be proud of the boys, although it is pretty interesting that white supremacy is not entirely white. Who knew? Speaking of whites, Burning Man was a sh%tshow! Hope you got the 80's movie reference... "Midnight Madness", btw, because I know you didn't. You're welcome. And don't think we're not going to tell you about the dinosaur shrimp! Another 80's movie reference- "Airplane"- Not for the soft-stomached. Please stop listening! We're definitely not billionaires, but at least one of us is out of the closet. Keith Richards is immortal! Do you believe in vampires? We do. Rest in Power to Sir Jimmy Buffet! (I think we all still blame the woman). But it was probably his own damn fault.

Yes, we remember the end of the last cast, and K.M. put the work in to answer last week's question about what happened to Michael Jackson's animals from the Neverland Ranch after his death. Here's what we know: Bubbles outlived Michael. Michael could have used a vet. Seems like Thriller could have used a vet, too. Madonna may be in Oklahoma, but J. Andrews is definitely in Colorado. And we are all aliens. You just got scienced, Karen! Silence is golden.... and black. Then it gets super gay! Respect Arthur Rimbaud & Walt Whitman. Learn some history, bitch! "Arrrr matey!" Pirates never dropped a grumpy. Let's end by getting to the root of it.

Choose the Sword and join us. Otherwise, grab your balls & f@ck your mother. It sounds crazy that a sword fight ended in death in this day & age, but it's not only true, it's also hilarious! There's a reason K.M. knows the difference between sword fighting and swashbuckling... not that there's anything wrong with that! "Tis only a flesh wound!" The Red Dress Run has been co-opted by bros. Surf's up dude! Then car racing... Then the Brittney Spears of football... Who nose? We do our best to discover the original champagne ass. Instead, we discuss llamas and and a chimpanzee. Rest in Power Rodriguez!

If you like to watch kids get hit by 60mph fastballs, check out the Little League World Series! Kids, you might not grow up to be a professional baseball player, but that's no reason not to follow your dream!

Rest in Power Pee-Wee! That talented man never jerked us around. If there's any Gen Z listeners out there, listen up. This is a literature podcast, so please read The Manchurian Candidate before you watch either of the movies. It's okay to enjoy the idea of our next president to run the country from behind bars. He is a Florida Man after all (although he may be the reason behind the billboard stating: "She's your daughter, not your date.") If you're wondering what leprosy is, just look it up yourself... Shoutout to Joe Thomas! Speaking of hippopotamuses... There's nothing wrong with being a big girl. "Tell'm Large Marge sent ya!" #TeamLizzo

Summer camp for billionaires is definitely creepy, but McDonald's coffee is definitely less than $4 (Don't bother looking it up). J can't help insulting African-Americans, but don't worry- he ties the dots together. If you're worried about A.I. becoming a better writer than you, you should probably stop writing... But then!!! K.M. gets terrorized by A.I. poetry. And yes, Tom Jones makes a special guest appearance. Then some poems, but WHO CARES!?! DJ Colorado takes us to the darkest depths of internet conspiracy theories waaaay too quickly!!!! And with the kind of confidence that every parent should instill in their children. Amen.

We start with J Andrews coming. (Spelled correctly). This beautiful couple may continue to come across as strong, but all our hearts mourn the loss of Plant Camp. You think that tree going down was bad? Just wait. The news are c*nts. They treat a tree as more important than human life. We all know J loves nature more than humanity, but what about if a tree falls on a teenager? Seriously though, we all have tramp stamps. Science fiction writers sculpted the existence we are. And then Sofia and the other AI robots decided to take over! Philip K. Dick gets the final word. 

Access to Tools, and mushrooms. Early on K.M asks if J drugged him. It turns out, he did!!! Mushrooms!!! Although K.M. admits to being heavily influenced by the magic mushroom, it quickly becomes clear so is J. Together, they attempt to honor and chronicle Stewart Brand's counter culture icon and book series. Basically, we attempt to talk hippie shit from the 60's and 70's while drunk and on psychedelics. It's about what you would expect with J repeating himself endlessly, K.M. wondering what's happening and getting distracted by the possibly that William S. Burroughs fucked little boys. Thank Bacchus, Colorado steps in and wonderfully details the amazing achievement and work of Stewart Brand's "The Last Whole Earth Catalog, Access to Tools. After all, it was J's childhood.  

Please ignore our pre-cast banter... DJ Colorado certainly did. We clean up a few things from last week then move on to current events. It turns out Tori Amos is still alive and kicking. (Who knew?) Turns out the show was amazing. Let's let the lady on the cast describe the female entertainer masturbating on stage. Then we go DEEP!!! But we come back to the surface. Thanks Ringo! The Most Deserved Death is a petty good book title! BREAKING NEWS!! Rest in ignorance you clueless explorers. But seriously, let's take a moment to question each other when it comes to our ability to be cannibals. Shout out to all the little chubby ones! I think we can all agree that peace in the Middle East should have happened decades ago. This ain't a political podcast, it's a literary podcast- and that's why we bang on the table! There is no tip-toeing around grammar! So anyways...

This ain't our circus, ain't our monkeys. Turns out DJ Colorado might be a beard, but J definitely prefers nature over Hollywood, without question. By some some miracle KM knows more about Broadway than the other two, but no surprise cuz he is gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). Speaking of NY: introducing the black Giuliani! J is quick with facts! Whales is different than Wales. We'll explain... But you're on your own when it comes to magma. Oh yeah, HAPPY OCEAN DAY!!!!

Pretty Uneventful, Yet Wild. Production value at its absolute low, but don't worry... White people talk about the weather! Shout out to Lester!  J predicted that this cast would be a shitshow and he was correct. Then some soft core news coverage of Chinese boreholes. The news about killer whales doesn't make it any less soft core. And then 15 hard core minutes of K.M. trying to date Dylan Mulvaney. Sorry Meg Ryan. 

We start poetry heavy. You're welcome. "It is a literary podcast." We obviously highlight female writers often, but as DJ Colorado puts it so eloquently: "We're not Pride and Prejudicing it up here." Buy Steven Wright's new book. And Mr. Wright, please pay us to advertise on our cast. Careful, we're in bat country! Don't eat the apple! K.M. is a believer, but DJ Colorado solves the problem of world peace. 

J..M. Douglas, K.M. Andrews & the voice of reason DJ Colorado celebrate the anniversary of the death of Sir Bob Marley.  A marital beef emerges over the difficult choice between Dateline & 48 Hours. Check out Rick Rubin's new book to coerce him into buying ad space on this cast (great poetry though...). And of course Colorado keeps us up on current events. What was the name of the pony that won the Derby? Goodbye Horses! 

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Featuring a special guest poet: Moulin Rogue. Have you ever played "Bear, Ninja or Hunter"? Looking for a can't lose $5 bar bet? Ask if they can pronounce this name: Giannis Antetokounmpo. They can in Milwaukee (just sayin). We spend way too much time talking about street signs. It turns out we were right- the robots are coming to kill us! #RememberKentState

Without question the most literature this podcast has ever offered. Then we get way too deep into Broadway plays. Turns out that musicals are the best place for straight, single guys to score. Who knew? Any book recommendations for DJ Colorado are welcome, but she won't read them... J explains why we stand on mountains. 

Happy Holidaze! No camping, no glamping. Shout out to Cleveland! Bone Thugs 'n Harmony. But none of us wear their t-shirts because we know who they are. We probably didn't solve the gun debate, but things happen behind barns that no one else knows about. Where does one find mushrooms? Colorado works well in the hazy world, she also doesn't do politics. And she calls out J for naming his towels. Roll me up & smoke me when I die! The rest of the cast is completely NORML.

Wheelchairs are fun? Sometimes. Humanity is meant to struggle. Not sure if J is a dick, a pussy or a bitch, but one of them is definitely accurate. K.M. looks like Kid Rock's stunt double. J looks like Markie Mark in retirement... and he has to pee pee like a toddler. K.M. tries to be respectful to hillbillies. Colorado has his back. But then she tries to talk and J thinks he has her back... What's going on in Saudi Arabia??? Seriously.... What's going on in Saudi Arabia???

DJ Colorado & K.M. Douglas were more than concerned once J. Andrews started talking, but it turned out J made sense. You're gonna learn more than you want to about bats. We aren't into politics, but we would love to Make America Horny Again! "At this point, who cares!?!" Anyway... god or Google will determine who speaks jive, and unfortunately, Jimmy Buffet lied to us. Don't worry, it all turned out fine... 

Look at my sh*t! Hillbillies can also be millionaires. Shaq Diesel has the final word on the Stevie Wonder conspiracy. K.M. gives back to the community. The Pink Ladies had NOTHING to do with the recent kidnappings and murders in Mexico. Gangs don't offer apologies. J puts the cock in Cocktail. Mexico is the next China. Season 3, baby!!! Sci-Fi needs a movie about Nazis in space. Typewriter poets are beautiful performance artists but probably sh*tty poets. Make some noise for DJ COLORADO!!!

If you haven't already listened to our episode entitled "Butt Fungus" you should. The First Amendment defends ghosts, UFO's & Sasquatch- but not Nessie. J teaches us how to hot-wire a car in this digital age. A heartfelt tribute to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Do you like movies about gladiators?

We get off to a rough start because K.M. f's up the multi-media, but there's a payoff! Starts off poetry-heavy & J promises a "hot episode"! We tee up on George Santos, whom we can all agree has an "amazing resume"! Ghandi definitely slept with teens... but at least he's a Libra like K.M. There's no doubt, J.Andrews is a man's man. But at least he didn't eat mushrooms, listen to Kanye and become a Nazi! Don't shush us! Especially you, Andy! (EDIT!!!)

Time is confusing. Tits are distracting. Nina is immortal. And it was Carnival season but we're a month behind posting these. Happy Mardi anyway. Miss Universe pageant gets dark! (And not in a racist way...). Turns out the Hitler mustache is not off the table for K.M.  Let's get Closer through J's poetry.  Shout out to Matassa's Market! And Liz Taylor! And Hacksaw Jim Duggan! And please forgive K.M. for complimenting Oprah. He stands by his words but still thinks she is a c*nt.

We want to thank everyone for listening to Season 2. We held off publishing several weekly episodes to give you the highlights from Carnival Season here in New Orleans. After these 3 episodes, we'll return weekly on the "Ides of March" to start an epic Season 3 with a new permanent member of the show. Enjoy these episodes and listen to hear who is our new team member. Again, thank you all!!!

Experience the longest unboxing in the history of unboxing. Fueled by his passion for Richard Brautigan, and a large amount of alcohol, K.M. is overly excited about a package he received containing several of Brautigan's books. This episode verges on mayhem, and finishes not Jewish, rather Jew-ish. 

You're gonna hafta listen all the way thru to find out what we really think about Ye. Most deeply researched cast we've done yet. Plus an alcoholic who fell off a cruise ship.

Slap a tag on us! COVID was a BS scam to make Pharma money...There's nothing else to say. K.M. won!

K.M chases after Gypsy Lou only to be stopped by the agents of commerce. J gives her "something special" for the holidays. The French are just as evil now as they've always been. It all ends with a dog barking in the distance. 

J's father is exposed and praised. What happened to Hershel? Too much talk about the midterms. Weird...

We enter the rare book room in K.M.'s library to share Bukowski's rejection letter. After that, we take to the streets in search of poetry.

Poetry-heavy with all the apologies and madness you've come to except. Kenneth Patchen & J. Andrews take turns showing how 1946 & 2022 are not as different as you think. It's disgraceful that we don't have a cult. So now we do - Dead Life Cult. Join now before membership prices go up!