The Leaves of a Victim never more with Steven Wilson

This episode, is it getting taken from the group therapy session with the topic was seeing a psychiatrist or seeing a nurse practitioner through a television.Some of the guys in the group didn't like it bothers liked it without a human being physically in the room.  Decision also involved you guys talking about the hierarchy between group therapy and individual one on one therapy.This podcast session the reading was from Neil postman's Technopoly.  This was a book that I read about matriculated in experimental design.

This episode is based on more group therapy sessions in which the group diagnosed American voters.  This is a reference to the phenomena of trans placement wherein a patient believes they themselves are a doctor or therapist. This is due to the expertise afforded patients the total time in therapy.This reading is from Emma gold man's “minorities vs majorities.

My mother passed away.  This episode I talk about the cycle of life, funerals, being missed, being remembered, and the role of children.My mother wore the chain she forged in life, and pressed it upon me.  I feel a sense of relief for her passing.  Her birthday approaches and I feel nothing.I read again from Poe.The cycle of life repeats.  My turn to die is in play.

This episodes deals with the election for president as politic entered group therapy recently.I read from Anarchism and other essays by Emma Goldman.  The article is entitled “patriotism: a menace to liberty.The real separation of human is based on wealth: rich vs poor.I call for a national divorce between American and politicians.

In this episode I discuss a new member to the group who was diagnosed with co curing and has decided to do both, group therapy and NA.  I read from my copy of the narcotics anonymous blue specifically on recovery and relapse.My opinion of therapy methodologies is just that , my opinion. I support whatever works for you.  NA didn't work for me.Life is not a group effortTreatment becomes our new addiction 

This episode is about a therapy session topic again; Memorial Day weekend.We spoke of life as war metaphor, the difference between surviving and victim.  There is also mention of the current state of conflict around the world, and the purpose of remembering those that died fighting.I read from Robert Bloch “material instinct”, part 2.Prepare for it and remember.  Party this weekend and be grateful for war.

This episode deals with a few therapy sessions and the topic of patience.I deal with patience itself and the origins of the frustration they comes with someone telling you to relax or calm down.I talk about horror movies in the 80s.Good times.

This episode is really about the last month or so and my battle with serious illness.Influenza APneumonia Sepsis blood infectionI read from Lovecraft story Herbest West reanimator.I know it is not a standard episode but what the hell…I survived.

This episode is another based on group therapy and what I'm dealing with my mother being in a nursing home.  These are observations I have made for my mother as well as the other residents of the home.The reading is Whitmans “Thanks or old age”I also use the bill Murray film Groundhog Day to express the similarities between repetition and seeing your life from point of old age.

Today's episode is an update on my life dealing with my mom in a nursing home.  I went to group therapy and told them what I feeling.  They told me I was angry because my own life had disappeared.  I don't agree.The reading is HP Lovecraft's “Dagon”.  I chose it for obvious reasons.If you are a victim of rape like me or any kind of abuse you can always reach out to me and talk.  I'm here to listen No judgment ever

Respect vs RulesIn this episode my topic is based on my experiences with my mom's nursing home and all the paperwork involved with her care.I talk about the nucleus of medica in America: who's gonna pay this bill?I read from Irving Goffman's “Asylums”.  I focus on the binary deviations of organizational structure and function.  These revolve around the private vs public, as well as, the individual vs group.In the end this episode is about the roles we play in society and our inability to accept the natural law of our roles changing over time.

Ray Bradbury once called people “books just walking around”.  Well, I believe people are time machines too.This episode I continue documenting my life as I transition my mother to nursing care.  I talk about packing her stuff and it ending up in storage.  I talk about her sadness turning to anger at her aging goes natural, but wrong according to her reality.I read Mending wall by Robert frost 

Today's episode is based on recent events involving my mother and her falling.  She had been living on her own and fell.  Luckily the pharmacy was delivering her meds and found her.  No one knows for sure how long she was out.I look at the past week and how it is going being her son.  Am I a good son?I read the funeral poem by Mary Frye, do not stand at my grave and weep.There is no reference to group therapy in this episode.

Today's episode is based on holidays and their meaning within the framework of the celebration itself. I take some the analysis from our group session.I read “Nature” from Longfellow. I think it is a great poem on death.What is Halloween?  Christian or Gaelic or other?What is it to be religious in todays world? Of celebration of the dead?

This episode is about reflective morality.  I read from the book, The moral life by John Dewey.Ethics is defined as the science of conduct within the ranges of good/bad or good/evil.I discuss my metaphor for ethics: driving an automobile.I also discuss Bentham and the concept within Philosophy of law :legal positivism.  I talk about the justice/revenge paradigm as well as topics of conformity and application of law as it resides in the punishment of not conforming.

This episode is just basic celebration stuff.  I talk about being a suicide and keeping time..  I talk about my best friend in grade school.I read from “Something wicked this way comes” by Ray Bradbury.Happy Birthday to all of You!!

Form follows Function.  Or so it goes.This episode again ventures into political philosophy here in America while at the same time dealing with some opinions of mine about my group therapy format.The reading for this episode is taken from the Federalist Papers: specifically, no. 10.James Madison admits something about the human that have always found a bit shocking; especially for someone supporting the revolution against King George.At the nucleus of any group dynamic is trust. This trust is based on the mutualism agreed upon so the group can function as a group and meet all the needs for its individual participants. 

this episode is a tangent of the standard as summer has made group therapy light in attendance and topics thinner than usual.  This episode deals with the timeless assumption that america is an asylum.Asylum is defined as a place or people that needs care.  I think that fits perfectly.I maintain the format by reading prior to podcast, and this time I go with “Democracy in America” written by Alexis De Tocqueville.  I read from Volume 1, the introduction as it begins with a history lesson of his homeland of France and rides out upon the day on the horse of equality which I refer to as a sensation (my words not his).I may or may not make a series of this topic during the Melting months of hellsummerhound. 

Time is a concept that requires one to have a mental illness to keep it.The Greek believed past, present , and future meant time existed.  Einstein said time didn't exist in the way people speak of it.For me, the DC comic film “The Flash” is based on a main story line in Barry Allen's comic; going back in time to save his mother's life which would save his father from being wrongly prosecuted for murder and being incarcerated for said crime.it is a strong story for a kid reading a comic, and the speed force is useful in both animated movie and TV series; but lacks substance for older folks like myself.This episode I read from Hemingways' Old Man and the sea.My name is Steven Wilson.  I am a drug user and sex abuse victim.  A teacher raped me when I was a child in 7th grade.  I am in group therapy with other men who were also victims of sex abuse.

I am grateful for my life in America.  I am well aware of the cancer within this country, but that doesn't keep me from acknowledging the benefits.This episode is based off the happenings in another group therapy session between two members: one, he was speaking of the trauma of his dog losing a toy while, two, the second member was speaking of the loss of two members of his family in American wars (Vietnam and the War on terror). They both spoke in the group seemingly unaware of the content of the other.This happens occasionally so we just sit through it, but I began to think to Walt Whitman and his poetry dealing directly with the civil war in the United States of America (1861-1865).With Memorial Day coming up next week I thought it a good topic for this podcast.I read Whitman's poem “The Wound-Dresser”.Perhaps it is true that those that praise war have never been in war, but all are brave that engage the human condition.I am grateful, but that is all I can offer you any day of the year regardless of your place in this world.

This episode is based a group therapy game where everyone in the group picks one superpower they would love to have.  this is a form of linguistical Rorschach in that it tells a great deal about the person.The reading is from HP Lovecraft “Dunwich Horror”.I chose the power to bring back the dead.  Biblical in all.

Time.  the most precious thing in the universe ; and it is the heart of this podcast-unevenly.In this episode I again speak of our group therapy discussions and deal with the war in Ukraine, and how the “victims” of a war touch the victims of sexual abuse.I read from “Are prisons obsolete?” By Angela Davis.I was always impressed with her critical thinking and how clear her writing style was in on topic she took on.  I thought about her book while in therapy session. 

this episode deals with myself revisiting NA.  I read from th blue book and find its opening salvo hitting the human self bulls eye.I see each person as a recipe of sorts; needing just the right amount of certain things to exist and function.  obviously this doesn't work for all of us as I am proof of dysfunction.I embrace the recipe for myself and find it easier to exist in real form.

Tonight I speak about how one member of the group session and their testimonial about one of. The circumstances in which they were raped. The group member gave a testimonial about what happened while watching How the Grinch stole Christmas TV special.I watched it this morning and it became a slight trigger for myself and afterwards I felt sick to my stomach.  It is rare that this happens to me.I read “Christmas Trees” from Robert frost as it parallels to allegory of consumerism in Christmas and the removal of the reason for the season now identified as the trappings of Christmas: lights, egg nog n brandy, presents, parties, and trees.

Today's podcast episode is a simple list of things I am grateful for in my life.The list is not in any special order.  It is just a exercise we did in group therapy.  Everyone went around after having ten minute s to write out what the things in their life they were grateful for.In this episode I go through my list and share other observations as we head into the holiday season.Happy thanksgiving 

Art is my life now and has been for a long time.  this episode is about the types of art I do .Visual artPiano compositionPyrographyLeather craftPoetryFiction writingI enjoy opera (Don Giovanni) and some ballet.  I attend many art exhibition openings.  Art expression and creativity is crucial to my existence.Www.Steven Wilson relations.com is my current website.  My online offerings are also on Amazon.

Today's episode is based on Halloween and a few guys in group take on safety in modern America.One of the guys in group got abused on Halloween by a man passing out candy.  this started the discussion about the changes society put in place to protect kids today from danger.  These things were not happening when I was young.I also speak about the concept of life as a masquerade party.this is not new, but my take on “costumes” on Halloween versus the “costumes” people wear the rest of the year.In the Halloween spirit my reading is from HP Lovecraft “The shadow over Innsmouth”.

Today's episode is again taken from group therapy and how two members are dealing with medication changes as well as dealing with the reality of being called patient even out of hospital.America doesn't treat mental illness with the same vigor or acceptance of physical or biological illness.  this reality is a harsh one indeed.Coping with this business model is beyond confusing for most as you universal definition plays itself out in regards to being “mental patient”.  This confusion makes modes of treatment and the attainment of “being cured” beyond us all.This episode is for my people: The Mentals.

Today's episode is about my birthday and how I celebrate things.The reading is from 1948 “Lost Son” by Theodore Roethke .  I read parts 4 and 5 this time.I speak about how death and funerals have changed my view of myself and society in America.  I speak on virtue and other valuations taken into consideration for a life lived as well as funerals being more for the attendee rather than the deceased.I speak about grief being about gratitude for sharing a life with the deceased.Happy Birthday to all of You!!!

This episode involve the running dialogue within my group about our Judicial in America regarding pedophilia.I take my reading from Marquis De Sade's Dialogue “The Priest and the dying man”.The running dialogue involves the difference between revenge and justice for those prosecuted for the crimes of sexually abusing a minor.  This is a topic which we discuss every time there is a news story about someone (teachers mostly) having a sexual relationship with a minor.There was a time when the Catholic Church was suspect, and I suppose they still are to a certain extent, but the school system in America seems to have surpassed them in notoriety.This episode also hints at a criticism listeners have had about my podcast: it is not positive enough.I am not sure how to address this and perhaps I was selfish in its birth and fanciful in its utility for others.  I don't know.I will say that I am grateful for those of you that do listen and decide to chime in on the topics I discuss.

Today's episode is based on my assessment of group members in regards to Aristotle's work on friendships.I also use Thomas Merton's “No man is an Island”.I find that there is a different life for those of us who were sexually abused as children when people discover that we were raped; and then discover that we attend group therapy or individual therapy.  The members of the group sounded off this week about how they are treated by family and friend in social situations.This made me think of Aristotle and the discussions I had about his ethics with my Uncle Hogan.I try never to become a therapist in the group, and yes, they know about this podcast.  This podcast is a form of therapy for me.  A piece of my treatment or perhaps self-treatment.

In this episode I deal with the metaphors and analogies pertaining to life, addiction, and abuse.War.The term gets used , perhaps too much, which makes it devalued language game.  Often we say, “war on drugs”, “war on poverty”, “war on depression'.I call for a war on safety…I call for a war on prevention as I believe one should embrace the chaos known as life.  I am in the hurricane.  I am in the dangerous grey of wind, and rain, and don't fight the storm.A life at sea is a wonderful thing.  Danger as we know it is subjective.  To commit a war on yourself is a sure fire way not to heal.

This episode I explore the educational paradigm of being known as a victim and how that translates to those around us; especially our family and how they treat us socially.My group discussed how they are treated when they return to family gatherings and how they conduct themselves and how they are treated by family and friends that know they were victims of sex abuse as children.This is something I know a great deal about as I wrote my dissertation on building an educational system or foundation.I read from Neil Postman's “The End of Education”.  He is a great mind and inspiration.

this episode is about Timing.A time to heal, a time to live, a time to die.  I have always believed that now is the best time to do something because now is all you have.  Making plans to do something later on may make you seem civilized or adult, but it is completely illogical.   No one is guaranteed tomorrow.I begin this episode with a letter from the Marquis De Sade to his wife.  In it he uses a simple analogy of a traveler on a road filled with traps.  He speaks of blame; for the traveler or the one who set the traps?I have always enjoyed that as a foundation stone for philosophical discussions pertaining to desire and the concept of guilt.  It seems to get people to think about the basics of cause to effect.

This episode is based on the coping skill called repression.I do not rebirth Freud , but rather I delve into how I used it to survive the traumatic events of my past and the sex abuse I suffered in the 7th grade.My coping skills revolve around hedonism; sex drugs and debauchery.  All are considered to be unhealthy life choices.  All are considered to be dangerous to the self.  But these things help me now as they did back then as I am not any better at coping with my past.

This episode I talk about the Halo effect and the way judgment takes place upon us all the time.  We also judge people; based on physical traits.The Halo effect is defined in psychology as projecting attributes upon someone based on unrelated physical appearance; for example, one might say, “she looks crazy” or “he looks smart”.This show is in response to some feedback and comments I have gotten from listeners.Also, I wanted to extend an invitation to you all to visit my artist website as many have asked to see some of my recent work through art therapy.Www.stevenwilsoncreations.comThere are no pics of leather craft or pyrography done within the past year and a half.  There is a link to my fiction and poetry published under my real name.  I apologize for being tardy on this point.  It was not my intention to keep it separate; I just didn't think you would be interested.Halo on!

I had to upload this one again as the new upload removed this episode.  Buzz sprout doesn't know what happened.

This episode isn't a regular episode.It is based on a statement from one of the guys in my adult survivor group saying that the shooting was “just another shooting”.  It was uncharacteristic of him to be indifferent about such suffering and atrocity.Again, I did not analyze him or any other in the group but I do so now within the construct of the podcast.Live in your heart so you don't become numb.  If you have done so, please get back into the game, and give humanity another chance.

This episode is more of the clinical form of group dynamics as I do mention those things we have studied within psychology called group dynamics.  Here, I equate family to group dynamics.if you listened to part 1 you will have a clearer comprehension for this episode.Plus, you miss me reading from lovecraft's “the thing at the door step”.

I begin this episode with a Lovecraft story in which the main characters become “brothers” due to circumstance and commonality.This episode is about the group dynamics of family and the roles we play within the family unit.  I use many things from my education; the one class I taught in college, my own group therapy, and the stories of group members.I do not go into the roles until part 2.  I am not a strong proponent of strict adherence of modalities within group therapy as I also am not in regards to the family unit.This episode explores my own experiences as well as a very drooling of empirical data that I used in my dissertation from the 1990's.

Tonight's episode is about the problems males have with adult relationships after having been sexually abused as children.These include: trust, power, intimacy, and sexuality.  The most important addressed in therapy is Trust.  And the best way to build trust is through honesty.  I talk about the point of disclosure to someone whom you have a relationship with and how it affects the relationship.  I talk about my own troubles with women and the truth about my abuse and how it affects my behavior.This is something that every guy in my group survivors sessions have had to deal with and some still deal with it today.I think we never really stop being victims.In regards to my own life; all I ask of a woman to a chance to love them, and for them to show me kindness and give me time to enjoy them as much as possible.As I am hypersensitive and needy; my desired outcome may be impossible to achieve.

Toonight's episode deals with the utility of Art Therapy.I have been involved in Art Therapy and created a significant amount of artwork based on past trauma; specifically the rape and abuse I suffered in 7th grade.Members of the adult survivor group found some images disturbing.  I doubt the works will ever be exhibited.  I can't imagine a gallery willing to take on such a topic in today's world.Humans can only take so much before they say enough is enough.Art therapy sole purpose is healing.  But I think I am as healed as I am ever going to be.  I don't feel any different than when I started, but now the past trauma is now visual and reminds me constantly of what happened.I did create art from negative, but is has made art itself ugly now.  I am not saying it is ruined forever, but things feel different with my studio.  It almost feels I like am violated and raped all over again.

This weeks episode is about the utility of therapy.The group is for men who were sexually abused as children.  The moderator asked the question , “Why come to therapy?”It was after the session I began to analyze the people in my life outside of the group and to what value or happiness they added to my life.  I wanted to know if I was satisfied or if that was even possible.As a suicide, I also began to deal with non-linear time; the ability to go back and do things differently or remove mistakes as to change the outcomes for those involved.Finally, with Me, Myself, and I, I concluded I was the impediment to that desired end.  I am handicapped mentally and emotionally and have no right to continue to blame the teacher that raped me for those things I have done as an adult.

This episode is about Human Value.  This week in group therapy we discussed human value as victims of rape and abuse as children.  The group is Adult survivors of childhood sex abuse.  The group is made up of entirely all men.I noticed that each person spoke of value as X gives my life meaning.  I didn't ask why they kept replacing meaning with value but I did follow suit.This episode I speak of value in terms found in economics, philosophy, and therapy.I try and not analyze the men as we already have a group moderator.  But this session made me go back to my own past which includes the time I spent in  college.The poem used for this episode is from Theodore Roethke.

This episode I explore my thoughts about those of us considered to be on the margin of society.I read from Edgar Allan Poe's “The Fall of the House of Usher” to add the listener in comprehending the mental health of those who believe they themselves are condemned to suffer; to live a life on the margin because they are excluded from normal society as they are deemed by society as abnormal.Being a drug addict and a victim of rape as a child this is how I feel.  I feel like I was marginalized when I became a victim of sex abuse by the teacher.  I give you my perspective and a little taste of my college education to explain further about political and social escapism: out of sight, out of mind.

Tonight's show is about Suffering.  I incorporate Metaphysics (philosophy and poetry) as the topic in group has come up before and I feel like it will return.Suffering is relative or subjective and can be done through comparison rationale in the unnatural minds of the sufferer's, but one must say “I” suffer in order for any healing to take place.  One cannnot say “we” as suffering is relative to each of us.  It doesn't make if we were in the same car crash or in different car crashes; it doesn't matter that all the men in the group are survivors of childhood rape and abuse as each of us dealt with the acts differently.Suffering belongs in metaphysics and ontology as it is meant to be discussed but never setttled upon with any known form of certainty.

Today's topic is change.  This past week the group moderator spoke about us taking all the negative in our lives and converting it into positive.It is true that change is possible, but I don't believe it can be permanent as it is unnatural to maintain life wearing a costume or to go from one costume to another for the sake of normalcy.Life is about relationships with ourselves and the outside world.  But the relationship with ourself is the most crucial to our quality of life.To cope with rape and abuse I used drugs and lived a reckless lifestyle, but perhaps I would've done these things even with no causation (the teacher).  Maybe I would've been impulsive and caused damage anyway.To be a victim or a survivor.To be a phony or substitute self may be the only way to survive the rape and abuse I suffered as a child.

This episode is about last week's group therapy discussion and my interpretation on that session.I call addicts and victims of sex abuse Scarecrows set upon fields that grow nothing of value.  The field is a metaphor for the field of psychiatry and the current state of our mental health system here in America.I speak on regrets as grieving and apology and offer a definition of a Scarecrow per Webster's dictionary.

In this episode I refer to a book by Beverly Engel called “It wasn't your fault”.  It was a book brought up in a group therapy session that I and two others had read.  I thought it would be a good topic for a podcast.Her conclusions are based on her 30 plus years as a psychotherapist and as a victim of abuse herself.  She believes that fault will manifest in Shame and that Shame can be negated by what she calls Self-compassion.I do not agree with her findings, but I respect her hard work and frankness in her own life story to aid the reader in utilizing her solution.I don't put much weight into self-help books when things like sex abuse and traumatic events have altered lives forever.   This is just my opinion, and I mean no harm or any disrespect to Beverly Engel or anyone who finds books like this to help them through the storm.

This episode is another Letter to someone special to me.  I have spent many hours in therapy trying to understand our dynamic.  I have tried in vain to comprehend my own broken heart.I know I hurt her.  I know she brought me back to humanity.  The Monolithic human stone felt again; I just couldn't handle feelings.I love Lekechia, but we do not talk.My sadness is beyond words right now.  Perhaps the art therapy along with this letter may help me with this process.I doubt it, but perhaps.

This episode I write another letter, but this one is to my childhood best friend from Crystal Lake, IL.Jeff lived on Millard st. And I lived on Gardina which is called the Vista or at least is was back then.  We were both the babies or last born in our families.  He had two older brother; dan and Tom.  I had an older sister Marie.We went to West elementary together and called ourselves the Millard Mayhem crew.  It was our possible WWF wresting tag team name when we got older.