Podcasts about love how understanding your partner

 Would you like to have better communication with your partner? Are you having challenges in your relationship? Why is it so hard to connect? Today Lisa talks with Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT. Stan is a well-respected teacher, clinician, researcher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT). He is a noted expert on human behavior and couple relationships.   In today's interview, Stan shares communication tips and tricks and explains the importance of non-verbal cues and body-language, whether with your partner, friends, or in a business setting. He also discusses online dating, character issues, texting, and implications of social media.   Stan speaks and teaches worldwide on functional relationships – how to understand them, create them, and support them. He is the author of the completely updated and revised book, “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.” Info: thepactinstitute.com. 

“Our anger is “I'm angry because something happened that I feel was unjust or unfair” And if it continues, then I want my justice and you know, our injustices from childhood turn out to be society's burdens because I want payback here, even though you had nothing to do with it. So, hate and love go together because they're both strongly bonding connection, right? But really bond us in order to hate you, I've got to feel a lot about you, right? You did something to betray me, to violate me, to say, no, I can't do this, whatever it is. And so both are really strongly bonded, you know, just like anger is bonding. When we're angry with each other, it's a way to stay bonded and connected, even though it's unpleasant.” So says Stan Tatkin, an author, therapist, and researcher who guides couples toward more durable relationships. He developed the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy (PACT), a non-linear approach that explores attachment theory to help couples adopt secure-functioning principles: In short, Stan and his wife, Tracey, train therapists to work through a psychobiological lens. Often, our brains get away from us when we're in conflict in our relationships—we lose ourselves to our instincts. He has trained thousands of therapists to integrate PACT into their clinical practice, offers intensive counseling sessions, and co-leads couples retreats with his wife. Tatkin is also an assistant clinical professor at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA.  Stan wrote Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship more than a decade ago and it became an instant classic. It was due for a refresh to encompass the wider range of relationships we're now experiencing and it's just been re-issued, better than ever. In today's conversation we talk about the table stakes of a good relationship: Nobody cares about your survival more than your partner, something we easily forget. As it were, we get into a fascinating sidebar on Pre-Nuptial Agreements, which in Stan's estimation cause many relationships to founder. I'll let him tell you why. MORE FROM STAN TATKIN: Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them We Do Wired for Dating Stan Tatkin's Website Follow Stan on Instagram To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Love isn't the glue. Love is not enough. Attachment biology is the glue that we confuse with love. Purpose is what keeps us going and keeps us together over time happily. What is our purpose at any given moment? Is it shared or is it just mine? You and I have to create consensus so that we find always where we agree and where we're the same, and not simply go for the low hanging fruit which is where we disagree and where we're different. Consensus builders know how to do this. I want apples and you want bananas, we fight. It didn't occur to one of us to suggest: But do we both want fruit? This could be arranged. - Dr. Stan Tatkin Live Life Well from Sunrise to Sunset Save 20% with code "WELLNESSFORCE" on everyone's favorite Superfoods brand, ORGANIFI, including their Sunrise to Sunset Bundle and their Women's Power Stack that includes HARMONY + GLOW for true hormonal balance and great health radiating through your beautiful skin. Click HERE to order your Organifi today. Are You Stressed Out Lately? Take a deep breath with the M21™ wellness guide: a simple yet powerful 21 minute morning system that melts stress and gives you more energy through 6 science-backed practices and breathwork. Click HERE to download for free. Is Your Energy Low? Looking for a cleaner brain fuel? Just one daily serving of Ketone-IQ™️ will help you feel sharper, more focused, and ready to take on the day. Click HERE to try HVMN's Ketone-IQ™ + Save 20% with the code "JOSH" *Review The WF Podcast & WIN $150 in wellness prizes! *Join The Facebook Group Wellness + Wisdom Episode 548 Dr. Stan Tatkin, a best-selling author and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT), joins Josh Trent on the Wellness + Wisdom podcast episode 548 to talk about the challenges people face in romantic relationships, attachment styles, and why love isn't enough. What is the glue that holds two people together in a romantic relationship? In this episode, you will learn what makes us feel threatened by our partners, how insecure attachment styles can be handled together with our partners, and why we pick the people in our lives based on our memory. Listen To Episode 548 As Dr. Stan Tatkin Uncovers: [01:30] Wired for Love Stan Tatkin Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Sauna Space - 10% off Why relationships don't actually exist except in our head. Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman Brain ambassadors and brain primitives. [09:20] Attachment Styles in Relationships Why we can feel threatened by our partner. Prefrontal cortex and empathy. Why attachment system is a biological mandate and can be confused for love. New patterns can't be created in a state of threat. How insecure attachment style can be handled together with our partner. Why secure attachment style can fluctuate to other attachment styles. The difference between secure functioning and secure attachment [27:15] Love Is Not Enough How relationships make us grow up. Interdependency, dependency, and codependency. How the threat system starts to show up in a relationship. Unpacking why we need principles to be able to hold each other accountable. Why we need to think ahead and not be naive. How you can protect the union between you and your partner by creating peace. Why we're naturally xenophobic. The reason why we need a shared purpose. Acting out on our xenophobia and why we should stop denying it. [49:30] The Challenges of Romantic Relationships How our survival instinct takes control over us in situations that are seemingly not life-threatening. Our fear changes our outward behavior to look threatening. Why we pick the people in our lives based on our memory. What attracts us to another person tends to end up being what we'll have an issue with. How we protect our own interest by directing our sense of disturbance outward. [01:05:00] The Problem with The Human Condition Funhouse mirrors in our relationships. Why we're never fully on the same page with our partner. How we shape our memory by adding non-experience elements into it. Memory drives state, state drives memory, and state of mind alters perception. 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage Observing micro-expressions to recognize if someone is telling the truth. In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them by Stan Tatkin Why attachment is not the main problem but the human condition is. Power Quotes From The Show Confusing Attachment for Love "The attachment system, as I see it, is a biological mandate that says "I can't quit you." We confuse it for love. The attachment system is nature's glue that holds us together and we think it's love but it's actually a very primitive existential threat, going all the way back to infancy that losing our primary attachment relationship feels like death." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationships Only Exist in Our Heads "Relationships actually don't exist, except in our heads. It's an abstraction. A relationship is something you and I create from scratch. You can't take a picture of it, you can only take a picture of people. It isn't relationships that's so difficult. It's human primates. They're difficult creatures; war-like, impulsive, aggressive, self-centered, selfish, moody, fickle, xenophobic, and easily influenced by groups." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Mutual Respect + Social Contracts "I can't screw you without screwing myself. Anything I do to you is going to happen to me. That's why it's a two-people psychological system. Two individuals are two generals, two bosses that have to respect each other, and be formal enough to respect each other, but they have a pact or several pacts, social contracts, to ensure that they behave in a way that's fair justice and collaborative and cooperative at all times." - Dr. Stan Tatkin Links From Today's Show  Stan Tatkin Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Sauna Space - 10% off Relationships Are Hard, But Why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them by Stan Tatkin Shop the Wellness Force Media Store Organifi – Special 20% off to our listeners with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' breathwork.io SEED - Save 35% with the code "JOSH" BON CHARGE - Save 15% with the code "JOSH15" MANNA Vitality - Save 20% with the code "JOSH20" Mendi.io - Save 20% with the code "JOSH20" SpectraSculpt - Save 15% with "JOSH15" SaunaSpace - 10% off using code "JOSH10" Cured Nutrition CBD - Save 20% with the CODE "WELLNESSFORCE" PLUNGE – Save $150 with the code “WELLNESSFORCE" LiftMode - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" HVMN - Get 20% off your Ketone IQ order with the code "JOSH" MitoZen – Save 10% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” Paleovalley – Save 15% on your ACV Complex with the code ‘JOSH' NOOTOPIA - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" ActivationProducts – Save 20% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” NEUVANA - Save 15% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” SENSATE - Save $25 on your order with the code "JOSH25" DRY FARM WINES - Get an extra bottle of Pure Natural Wine with your order for just 1¢ ION - Save 15% off sitewide with the code ‘JOSH1KS' Feel Free from Botanic Tonics – Save 40% when you use the code ‘WELLNESS40′ Drink LMNT – Zero Sugar Hydration: Get your free LMNT Sample Pack, with any purchase BREATHE - Save 20% by using the code “PODCAST20” Essential Oil Wizardry: Save 10% with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' NEUROHACKER - Save 15% with the code "WELLNESSFORCE" ALIVE WATER - Save 33% on your first order with the code "JOSH33" M21 Wellness Guide Wellness + Wisdom Community Leave Wellness + Wisdom a review on Apple Podcasts Dr. Stan Tatkin Instagram Facebook Twitter About Dr. Stan Tatkin Dr. Stan Tatkin, is a distinguished author, renowned for his notable works including "Wired for Love" and "Your Brain on Love." Residing in Southern California, he actively practices as a clinician while imparting his expertise as a teacher at Kaiser Permanente and serving as an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Recognized for his exceptional contributions, Stan Tatkin introduced the groundbreaking Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). Together with his spouse, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, he established the esteemed PACT Institute. PACT seamlessly integrates developmental neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation, rendering it a highly regarded method for addressing even the most complex relationship dynamics.    

Building a strong and secure connection within a romantic relationship is a goal shared by many. We strive for harmony, understanding, and a deep bond that withstands the test of time. But with human nature being what it is - aggressive, warlike, moody, and easily influenced - it can be a challenging task. So, how do we achieve this level of connection? Is it about finding the perfect partner or following a set of rules? In this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin and Dr. Jessica Higgins embark on an enlightening exploration of human behavior within relationships shedding light on key elements that foster a strong and secure connection. Join us as we delve into the strategies and insights that can help you and your partner work together to create a solid foundation of love, trust, and mutual support. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT Clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship Rx, Wired for Dating, What Every Therapist Ought to Know, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships, and the upcoming, In Each Other's Care. Check out the transcript of this episode on Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode 6:01 In Each Other's Care: Practical Guidance on Applying the Principles of Secure Functioning 10:56 Normalizing stressful situations and creating purpose-centered relationships. 15:36 Preserving relationships through proactive engagement. 26:05 Creating purposeful relationships: moving beyond psycho-biology to action. 30:37 Embracing a collaborative stance: Exploring partner's needs and approaching conversations with mutual interest. Mentioned Type Of Relationship Support (survey) In Each Other's Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Learn How to Interact When Conflicts Arise (excerpt) We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Relationship Rx (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) ERP 291: How “Love Is Not Enough” – An Interview with Dr. Stan Tatkin Relationship Map To Happy, Lasting Love Shifting Criticism For Connected Communication Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Websites: thepactinstitute.com Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Twitter: twitter.com/DrStanTatkin LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/stan-tatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.      

We are more than who we think we are. We are more than what we do. There's a time and a place for the hustle and the grind but we need to develop those pause points and moments in our day to reflect: Is that actually true? Or is that coming from a wound, projection, idea, or conditioning. - Mike Salemi Are You Stressed Out Lately? Take a deep breath with the M21™ wellness guide: a simple yet powerful 21 minute morning system that melts stress and gives you more energy through 6 science-backed practices and breathwork. Click HERE to download for free. Is Your Energy Low? Looking for a cleaner brain fuel? Just one daily serving of Ketone-IQ™️ will help you feel sharper, more focused, and ready to take on the day. Click HERE to try HVMN's Ketone-IQ™ + Save 20% with the code "JOSH" *Review The WF Podcast & WIN $150 in wellness prizes! *Join The Facebook Group Wellness + Wisdom Episode 518 Mike Salemi, the founder of The Path podcast and an elite fitness coach, shares his wisdom on how to create your best life mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Are you aware of the consequences of living too fast? By the end of this episode, you will understand how living a fast-paced life can have a negative impact on your overall wellness, the purpose of intentional fitness, and why Kambo is not a medicine suitable for everybody.   Listen To Episode 518 As Mike Salemi Uncovers: [1:30] Mike's Fitness Path + Dealing With Pain Mike Salemi The Path Podcast Laurie Rice-Salemi Going from a mover and teacher to a podcaster. Justin Brien on The Path Podcast How his knee pain made him reflect on his life: Wondering who he is if he can't move and realizing it's the first time in his life he wasn't free to play. Paul Chek Why his arm injury didn't limit him as much as his knee pain. Setting a goal to be free from pain by the time he turns 36.   [12:35] Intentional Fitness + Learning From Pain Why Mike's definition of intentional fitness is constantly evolving. The reason why intentions are the most transformative part of any ceremony. Why even life and fitness can be considered a ceremony. What lessons he learned from his knee injury. How pain makes you look back from a fearful perspective. Using fitness as a means for personal growth. Why pain makes it hard to trust that things will improve, and why Mike looks at what is emotionally and energetically tied to the pain. How he got his injury: Constant stress and spending hours in an awkward position.   [17:20] We Are More Than What We Think And Do What the paradox of being a father is according to Mike. Why men often don't stop until they are forced to stop. The importance of having people in your life that help you eliminate your blind spots and stand up for you. We're more than what we think we are and do. Why we need to develop moments to pause and reflect. Getting addicted to the stress responses when you're stuck.   [21:35] Men Of Movement + Being Of Service Men of Movement Retreat What it means to lead from the middle: Modeling from the inside out. Johnny Blackburn David Deida Why Josh runs the Evolving Men's Collective as an act of service. Men of Movement: The willingness to want to explore and be with brothers. How crying can be of service and why power comes from peace. How Mike develops the Men of Movement retreats to create safety and harmony. 457 Josh Trent: Solocast | Healing The Father Wound, 100+ Hours Fasting, Vision Questing + Being Alone With Mother Nature's Wisdom Why rest throughout the day is important. Ya'Acov Darling Khan How we can intentionally create a down-regulated state.   [31:00] How To Create A Space For The Relationship You Want The consequences of doing something for others at the expense of losing our own freedom. Why Mike's scared that he won't provide his family the life he thinks they deserve while being present for them. How he knew what he wanted from a relationship and why his actions weren't creating any space for a new relationship. The realization that he had feelings for Laurie during a mushroom ceremony. Using Yogananda's soulmate prayer with Paul Chek 5 years before he met Laurie. Joe Dispenza How he manifested his life partner through meditation.   [47:00] From Avoidance To Healthy Communication Quantum entanglement and the 100 monkeys effect. What the Bleep Do We Know!? Why every year of being single was worth it for Mike. What made him want to meet a partner while he was teaching and in his purpose. Can a relationship come to you only when you least expect it? Why he didn't see what was right in front of him for many years. Mirroring the shadow of your partner. The importance of holding a safe space in a relationship. How he learned to communicate during conflicts instead of avoiding it. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by Dr. John Gottman   [01:02:43] Mike's Healing Journey With Kambo Balance Float Mike's journey to Kambo and how it helped him improve his health. What Kambo is, how it's applied, and what it does to you. How the peptides in Kambo help you and heal and purge. The purging experience with Kambo and how it helps you let go of things that don't serve you. 219 A Hero's Journey & Human Optimization: Kyle Kingsbury Kyle Kingsbury Why he doesn't see Kambo as a business. The importance of knowing why you want to do Kambo. What keeps Josh away from trying Kambo.   [01:19:55] Saying 'No' To The Medicine The difference between participating VS holding a Kambo ceremony. How Kambo helps Mike hold more space for his family. Who should avoid Kambo and why, and what it means that the medicine is not for everybody. Why it can be good to say 'no' to the medicine. Buy Four Visions Market Hapé with 10% off using the code "JOSH10" Steven Jaggers Why you feel peace after the purge. Jordan Peterson   [01:32:25] Letting Go To Fill The Space With Something New Why you need to create the space and get clear on what you want to fill that space with. What happens after you let go: Stop the cycle from repeating. What it means to age gracefully. 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage How getting fixated on the results can hurt you and stop you from evolving. Why Mike believes humans are a constant process.   Power Quotes From The Show Rethinking The Hustle Mentality "If you're outputting 90% of your day, you better have the equal ratio flip-flopped in some way, shape, or form. If you're looking at your week in your calendar and you're hustling from 7 AM to 7 PM, where does the rest can come outside of just the sleep?" - Mike Salemi   Down-Regulated State + Balance "Creating the space and the openness for the opportunity to create a down-regulated state, anything you can do practically speaking and taking an honest inventory of how much and where your energy is already going, you can help balance that and anything you do will be helpful. - Mike Salemi   How To Prevent Resentment "If I'm doing all this stuff for everybody else at the expense of certain things that are costing me pain or my own sense of freedom, at a certain point I'm either going to be resenting them or I'm going to start resenting myself." - Mike Salemi   Links From Today's Show  Mike Salemi The Path Podcast Laurie Rice-Salemi Justin Brien on The Path Podcast Paul Chek Men of Movement Retreat Johnny Blackburn David Deida 457 Josh Trent: Solocast | Healing The Father Wound, 100+ Hours Fasting, Vision Questing + Being Alone With Mother Nature's Wisdom Ya'Acov Darling Khan Joe Dispenza What the Bleep Do We Know!? Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by Dr. John Gottman Balance Float 219 A Hero's Journey & Human Optimization: Kyle Kingsbury Kyle Kingsbury Buy Four Visions Market Hapé with 10% off using the code "JOSH10" Steven Jaggers Jordan Peterson 481 Scott Jackson | Rewire Yourself: How To Create A Life You Love With Freedom From Subconscious Sabotage Shop the Wellness Force Media Store breathwork.io Save 20% on LiftMode Products until February 13, 2023 PLUNGE – Save $150 with the code “WELLNESSFORCE" HIGHER DOSE INFRARED MAT - Get 15% off with the code “WELLNESSFORCE15“ Organifi – Special 20% off to our listeners with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' HVMN - Get 20% off your Ketone IQ order with the code "JOSH" MitoZen – Save 10% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” Paleovalley – Save 15% on your ACV Complex with the code ‘JOSH' NOOTOPIA - Save 10% with the code "JOSH10" Activation Products – Save 20% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” NEUVANA - Save 15% with the code “WELLNESSFORCE” SENSATE - Save $25 on your order with the code "JOSH25" DRY FARM WINES - Get an extra bottle of Pure Natural Wine with your order for just 1¢ CHILISLEEP - Save 25% on Josh's favorite ChiliSleep products with the code "JOSH" ION - Save 15% off sitewide with the code ‘JOSH1KS' TOUPS - Save 15% with the code "JOSH" Feel Free from Botanic Tonics – Save 40% when you use the code ‘WELLNESS40′ Drink LMNT – Zero Sugar Hydration: Get your free LMNT Sample Pack, with any purchase BREATHE - Save 20% by using the code “PODCAST20” Essential Oil Wizardry: Save 10% with the code ‘WELLNESSFORCE' MY GREEN MATTRESS - Save up to $125 on your order with the code "JOSH" NEUROHACKER - Save 15% with the code "WELLNESSFORCE" ALIVE WATER - Save 33% on your first order with the code "JOSH33" M21 Wellness Guide Wellness Force Community Leave Wellness + Wisdom a review on Apple Podcasts Mike Salemi Facebook Instagram YouTube The Path   About Mike Salemi Mike Salemi specializes in human performance and is a sought-after international presenter in the field of health and fitness. Mike has a diverse background in strength and conditioning and has competed over the course of 15+ years at an elite level in Powerlifting and Kettlebell Sport. Through his own path of resolving sport-related injuries, Mike understands the importance of integrating the body, mind, and spirit to foster high performance in the long term. His motivation is to help athletes, fitness professionals, and coaches discover their own potential from the inside out. Professionally, Mike has served as a Division 1 strength and conditioning coach for Santa Clara University, as well as has been the trainer to elite athletes across a wide range of sports. His focus is on teaching educational workshops, certifications, and creating programs on unconventional training that build more balanced athletes.   274 Mike Salemi | The Journey To Strength

Take the LQ test: https://dralkapatel.com/lq-test/ My guest on this week's episode of The Lifestyle First Podcast is John Howard- author of More than Words – the science of deepening love and connection in any relationship. In this episode we: · Discuss the secret of connection in order to communicate effectively · Explore the need for connection to enable safe and secure communication · Highlight how 80% of communication is non-verbal and 90% of information we gather is subconscious for survival and safety purposes · Discuss the impact of incongruity between verbal and non-verbal communication · Explore how to deepen yourself through relationships by imporving relationships · Highlight the importance of focusing on creating security before conveying ideas and concepts · Discuss the use of touch and proximity to create safety · Highlight how the quality of your relationships is a determinant of your longevity and health and wellness · Explore using acting techniques to change tonality and expression · Explore practising what good conversations might sound like to create templates in your memory · Explore use of the word we and inviting others into a growth process rather than a defence process -x- 1. The one question we discuss is, “what's the link between connection and communication?” 2. The two references we look at are (i) Howard. J. Get More Than Words. 2022. S&S Simon Element https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Words-Connection-Relationship/dp/1982182326 (ii) Tatkin. S. Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Spark Intimacy. 2012.NewHarbinger https://smile.amazon.co.uk/Wired-Love-Understanding-Partners-Conflicts/dp/1608820580/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3SJBD6UUQ4SJK&keywords=wired+for+love&qid=1644673144&sprefix=wired+for+love%2Caps%2C58&sr=8-1 3. The three actions to take are: · Use touch and proximity in interactions · Practice good connection instead of just talking about issues · Remove distractions when communicating Which of these 3 actionable tips will you implement? Leave your comments below. -x- DISCLAIMER: This content does not constitute or substitute personal one-to-one professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your doctor or health care professional with questions about your health. -x- Find Out More/Contact/Follow: Guest: Website https://readysetlove.com/- to practice relationship skills and security https://getmorethanwords.com/- to get the book and additional bonuses Socials https://www.facebook.com/johnhowardatx/ https://www.instagram.com/johnhoward_atx/ https://twitter.com/johnhowardatx https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC4dxbujJe8yj2mAXpP8tbSw Host Newsletter: https://dralkapatel.com/mailinglist --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/dr-alka-patel/message

Sex carries so much currency in our internal and external landscapes. For many, sexuality is cloaked in shame, fear, or heady expectations that leave us feeling short-changed and disempowered. Fortunately, the tides are shifting with the help of pioneers like Dr. Kate Balestrieri, a sex therapist helping people integrate the physical and emotional components of sex, sexuality, and relationships.  True sexual embodiment is a journey, not a destination (the same can be said for orgasms). This conversation undresses all the topics you've probably been thinking about but were too scared to utter out loud. Krista, Lindsey, and Dr. Kate candidly untangle the narrative surrounding porn, patriarchy, and partnerships while boldly confronting the common intimacy challenges in modern relationships today.  We also talk about: How the nervous system affects pleasure  Navigating expectations around sex Exploring blocks in partnership Why couples therapy works The spectrum of sex positivity Patriarchy and internalized misogyny  Desire, fetish, and ethical porn Tips for elevating your sexual practice  Processing sexual trauma  Resources: Website: https://www.modernintimacy.com/ (modernintimacy.com) Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/drkatebalestrieri/ (@drkatebalestrieri) TikTok:https://www.tiktok.com/@drkatebalestrieri? (@drkatebalestrieri) https://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Challenges-Anniversary/dp/1622038320 (“The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire” by David Deida) https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580 (“Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship” by  Stan Tatkin ) Join our community: http://almost30.com/membership (almost30.com/membership) https://www.facebook.com/Almost30podcast/groups (facebook.com/Almost30podcast/groups) Podcast disclaimer can be found by visiting: https://almost30.com/disclaimer (almost30.com/disclaimer).  Find more to love at http://almost30.com/ (almost30.com)! Almost 30 is edited by http://crate.media (Crate Media).

Understanding why love is not enough in an empowered relationship can be a challenge. So in this episode, Dr. Stan Tatkin helps us recognize some of the most common biological and human factors that take us off track when creating intentionality in a relationship. Having a scientific framework that allows us to understand why we need more than love helps us create a shared vision for our relationships. By unpacking common causes of relationship challenges, we can learn how to commit fully to a loving partnership and ensure it remains a beautiful and fulfilling experience.  Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, author, researcher, PACT developer, and co-founder of the PACT Institute. Dr. Tatkin is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA, David Geffen School of Medicine. He maintains a private practice in Southern California and leads PACT programs in the US and internationally. He is the author of We Do, Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Relationship RX, Wired for Dating, and co-author of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. Check out the transcript to this episode in Dr. Jessica Higgin's website. In this episode: 09:35 Why the basic human being is not built for long term relationships 12:25 Going passively into a relationship assuming that love is the key to success is not the best approach to take 14:05 The inner development that we have to commit to can sometimes be challenging 19:03 Stan shares his practical tips on how to create a shared purpose and vision as a couple 33:29 The importance of being cognizant of that we continue to evolve as individuals while developing our purpose, vision, governance, and ethics as a couple 33:48 Why we should intentionally create form-fitting principles to ground our relationship 40:32 How PACT can help couples improve their relationships Mentioned We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Rx, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, by Stan Tatkin (*Amazon Link) Relationship Road Map Connect with Dr. Stan Tatkin Website: thepactinstitute.com  Facebook: facebook.com/drstantatkin Instagram: instagram.com/drstantatkin/ Twitter: @DrStanTatkin Connect with Dr. Jessica Higgins Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts/ Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here.  Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here.  Thank you!   *With Amazon Affiliate Links, I may earn a few cents from Amazon, if you purchase the book from this link.

A cowboy is someone who falls down, gets up and tries again. The men I interview decided to survive, overcome and thrive after separation, making all of them divorce cowboys. Are you going through a separation? Download your free Separation Survival Guide: https://www.divorcecowboy.com.au/ Would you like to chat, ask a question, collaborate or be a guest on the show? Email: tamir@divorcecowboy.com.au Book mentioned in this episode: Wired for Love : How Understanding Your Partner's Brain Can Help You Defuse Conflicts and Spark Intimacy - By Stan Tatkin

Join Abe and Elaine as they discuss attachment styles and how they impact your sense of security in your relationship with distance. Elaine and Abe get a bit vulnerable as they discuss their own attachment styles and how it plays out in their marriage. This lens of understanding your attachment style can validate your needs in your relationship and allow you to better understand the needs of your partner. Link to Attachment Style Test:https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help you Find - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_HYFAB9193WQZWVNM3Y8PWired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608820580/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_841MNMHPSACA0B52GYJX

Relationships, like anything else, will give you as much as you're willing to put in.   This week the wonderful Jennifer Lehr joins us again for another very special episode to discuss conflict resolution and to help us work through deep marital issues as we roleplay as another couple.   Jennifer is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the author of WeConcile®, an online program and soon-to-be app for committed couples seeking help. Jennifer uses her expertise as a marriage therapist to help us work through a struggling marriage; one rife with detachment, resentment, and volatility. She teaches how to build a feeling of emotional safety, the importance of setting ground rules, and the body's role in rebuilding a relationship (hug more!). After our roleplaying as another couple, Jennifer gives us an impromptu session on some of our own deeply rooted issues and helps us dissect how our upbringings may be influencing challenges we have in our relationship now.   Jennifer is an invaluable resource for us and our listeners so be sure to check her out at:   WeConcile: https://weconcile.com/ Her website: https://www.jenniferlehrmft.com/   Books mentioned in this episode: Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship by Stan Tatkin   www.headoverheelsshow.com Insta @headoverheelsshow Insta Nina @NinaKako  Roger @roger_guertin Facebook @headoverheelsshow TikTok @tdot_fam You Tube @tdot_fam Email us@hohshow.com

How do you keep love alive? It’s not what you think! This week, we’re diving deep into love, romance, danger, conflict, fact, fantasy and truth with Dr. Stan Tatkin, a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Tatkin’s practice is based in Calabasas, California, where for the last 20 years he has specialized in working with couples, and also individuals who want to be in a relationship. Tatkin is the author of numerous books, including Wired for LOVE: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.

GUEST GABRIELLE USATYNSKI: Gabrielle Usatynski, MA, is a Licensed Professional Counselor at Power Couples Counseling in Boulder, CO. She has been in private practice since 2008 and specializes in couples therapy. She is trained in PACT (a Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy). Gabrielle has been named 2018 and 2019 Best Marriage Counselor of Louisville by the Louisville Awards Program. She teaches a masterclass on personality disorders in couples therapy to other clinicians in the Boulder area. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.)   IN THIS EPISODE, GABRIELLE USATYNSKY AND DR. JESSICA HIGGINS DISCUSS: What it means for a person to have a personality disorder. How a personality disorder develops. The evolution of our understanding of personality disorders over time. Mistakes we tend to make when trying to learn if our partner has a personality disorder. What to keep in mind when looking for a good partner and what to focus on when developing a quality relationship. How to have a good relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. “We don’t do things differently with people who have personality disorders than we do with people who don’t. We’re still holding the same container for people to create relationships that are based on safety and security, that are based on distress relief, fostering each other’s wellbeing, boosting each other’s self-esteem – these types of principles that couples can subscribe to, because we know that’s what makes relationships work.” — Gabrielle Usatynsky Change occurs … “when they choose to commit to something greater than themselves, and that is the relationship.” — Gabrielle Usatynsky   CONNECT WITH GABRIELLE USATYNSKI, MA: Website: PowerCouplesCounseling.com Book: How to Stop Stressful Fights with Your Partner   MENTIONED: Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin   CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins Twitter: @DrJessHiggins Website: drjessicahiggins.com Email:jessica@drjessicahiggins.com     If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.  

On this week’s episode, Ameé talks with renowned couples expert and author, Dr. Stan Tatkin. Stan Tatkin, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 20 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. And he is the author of many books on the topic of relationships including Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger. In this episode, you will hear:Why is a romantic partner even necessary? What are the benefits of being tethered to another person? What is Attachment Theory and how does our attachment style affect us as adults? What is attraction and why do we go for certain types of people, even if they are “wrong” for us?How do you become an expert in your partner? Ultimately, how do we know this other person is worth the effort? What are our cues? Books by Dr. Tatkin include:We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love, published by Sounds TrueRelationship Rx: Insights and Practices to Overcome Chronic Fighting and Return to Love, published by Sounds TrueWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, published by New Harbinger.Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, published by New Harbinger.Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, published by Sounds True.Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy, with coauthor Marion Solomon, available through W. W. Norton’s Interpersonal Neurobiology Series. Website: https://thepactinstitute.com/Facebook the PACT Institute: https://www.facebook.com/PactTrainingInstituteFacebook for Dr. Stan Tatkin: https://www.facebook.com/drstantatkin/

Last week’s episode (177), I discussed how difficult it can be when feeling distressed, threatened, and reactive to engage in comfort with a significant other. As one of my clients puts so well “Why would I want comfort from you, when you are they one that is causing me pain!” Many of us did not get the experience of having comfort when we were young. Thus, we developed ways to deal with it, but more importantly, we don’t have an internal system that we can trust to turn towards comfort and soothing in relationship. In episode 177, I offered some of the research to help give some general guidance in how to offer comfort. It is worth noting that there are typically some gender differences to consider, when offering comfort. Here is an article that might be helpful when contemplating how to offer comfort to a man: How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC   For women, I would point to the tips mentioned in episode 177: Accept and listen to your partner. Understand the hurt. Be with the pain. Offer reflection and validation. Offer care and help. Show remorse, if appropriate. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear explanations, stories and examples.) Today, we are going to explore how to offer comfort to your partner in ways that are specific and unique to them.   DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE (REFERENCING WIRED FOR LOVE, BY DR. STAN TATKIN): The importance of learning what comfort feels like for your partner. How to become an expert on your partner. Learning ways to lift up, reassure, and comfort when your partner is feeling vulnerable. Knowing your specific vulnerabilities. Knowing your partner’s specific vulnerabilities. Knowing the antidotes to your vulnerabilities Knowing the antidotes to their vulnerabilities. In successful relationships,“Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.” by Dr. Stan Tatkin   MENTIONED: ERP 177: How to offer Comfort to Your Significant Other (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, by Dr. Stan Tatkin How to Comfort a Man, Co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC ERP 068: What Women Really Want…Really! With Dr. Kathryn Foster (podcast) Relationship Map (opt-in download) Dr. Susan Johnson (website) Dr. John Gottman (website) Photo by Yuri Levin on Unsplash   CONNECT WITH DR. JESSICA HIGGINS:   Facebook: facebook.com/EmpoweredRelationship  Instagram: instagram.com/drjessicahiggins  Podcast: drjessicahiggins.com/podcasts  Pinterest: pinterest.com/EmpowerRelation  LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/drjessicahiggins  Twitter: @DrJessHiggins  Website: drjessicahiggins.com   Email: jessica@drjessicahiggins.com         If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please reach out to me. Here is my contact information. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship.  I would really appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Connected Couple Program or engaging in relationship coaching work with me.  

Stan Tatkin is the founder of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®(PACT). He has worked with couples for more than fifteen years in his clinical practice. He teaches, he counsels, he writes, he does it all! Stan has authored a few very important books throughout his career, some of them including: Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Wired for Dating, and his latest and the driving point behind this interview, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. All in all, I am delighted to have Stan on the show. You are really going to get a lot out of this talk! The Difficulties of Cultivating a Cooperative and Collaborative Relationship Stan lays the groundwork for a secure-functioning relationship between couples. He says both participants in the relationship share power and mutually govern over each other to balance out the dynamic. Because we are perfectly imperfect as human beings, the dynamic is often skewed to one side. Collaboration is hard and positivity is just as difficult to maintain. To you who listen along, Stan will also take you down a fascinating neurological path when he explains our survival mechanisms and how the brain takes shortcuts. These facets of our development make it very hard to maintain secure relationships. Our states of mind, the many different perceptions we experience--of which Stan likens to a funhouse mirror--and our imperfect memories, are of many hurdles to overcome. For much more on this uphill climb, tune in. Threats and Shared Governance Stan reminds us that the small ‘threats', the eyerolls, the tone laced with animosity, the cold shoulder, passive aggression, all of it, can compound and show up in a very real biological sense. After time, you will view your spouse as a predator. Not in any malicious sense, but because of self-protective tendencies we have learned over our development, our perceptions can certainly be skewed unknowingly. Our capacity or tendency to be threatened in ingrained within us naturally. It can also be a result of upbringing as well. Some of it is triggered merely by standing eye-to-eye with one another; In addition, the principle of ‘shared governance' can cause threats. Stan describes shared governance as shared principles that both parties believe in that will protect one from each other. He also tells us that this is how society works: we share a similar mythology, an analogous narrative is followed that reflects shared sentiments of governance. Really check out this episode to hear Stan explain it in much more detail. Putting the Relationship First? Stan stands by this practice. He says a lot of breakdown in relationships hinges on differences in focus. If both of you agree to put the kids first over the relationship, Stan believes everyone suffers. He doesn't condone neglecting the child, but just like well-worn maxim of taking care of yourself before others, so too everyone benefits if there's a strong foundation to work with. The Couple Bubble This interesting concept is described as two people protecting their relationship ‘ecosystem'. This system is built on accountability, that is, the push-and-pull of a symbiotic partnership where one action affects the other tangibly. Stan tells you to think of it this way: the couple bubble can either guarantee mutually assured destruction or mutually assured survival! Keeping the bubble in focus is extremely important. Much more is said. Do yourself a favor and listen along! What About Mutually Exclusive Needs? During the episode, the very crucial question of differing needs arise. What if there are instances, major or minor, where accommodating each other is very difficult. A job interview that necessitates a move, or simply a softball game that cuts into bowling night. Whatever the event, Stan stresses the need for win-win situations to be created. This compromise works well to keep couples engaged and actively working for each other. When asked if anyone can learn these skills of creating win-wins and of being attuned to the needs of the delicate relationship ecosystem, Stan says it's not a matter of capacity but of will. If you are chained to someone, you will work together to move successfully. If you are stranded on an island, you will work with your partner to survive. If you are locked in a room with the only stipulation being that you need to come to an agreement, you will think of something. It is will and not capacity. Stan's Take on Sex To keep this brief, being transparent, communicating, cutting back on self-serving sexual practices, understanding the reasons for performance anxiety, and quickly addressing disagreements before your negative biases compound the problem are all aspects that are discussed in this episode. Check it out! We Versus Me Stan closes out the episode by accentuating the importance of focusing on ‘we-ism' over ‘me-ism'. If you can be mindful of instances in your life where self-serving behavior is harming the overall ‘we' dynamic of the relationship, then shifting your priorities is essential. For much more on these powerful concepts, tune into this episode. Very impressive stuff. Key Links for Stan Tatkin For Training and Therapy: The PACT Institute - https://thepactinstitute.com/ Stan's Personal Website: https://stantatkin.com/ Affiliate links for Stan's books (meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase): We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love: https://amzn.to/2EcDOhN Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://amzn.to/2QL669Z Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate: https://amzn.to/2EdHsbu Relationship Rx: https://amzn.to/2SGQH83 Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships: https://amzn.to/2Epptj8 More info: Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.com Web - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/ Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/ If you're enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcast Better Sex with Jessa Zimmerman https://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/More info and resources: How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com Access the Free webinar: How to make sex easy and fun for both of you: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

Stan Tatkin is the founder of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®(PACT). He has worked with couples for more than fifteen years in his clinical practice. He teaches, he counsels, he writes, he does it all!Stan has authored a few very important books throughout his career, some of them including: Wired for Love, Your Brain on Love, Wired for Dating, and his latest and the driving point behind this interview, We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love. All in all, I am delighted to have Stan on the show. You are really going to get a lot out of this talk!The Difficulties of Cultivating a Cooperative and Collaborative RelationshipStan lays the groundwork for a secure-functioning relationship between couples. He says both participants in the relationship share power and mutually govern over each other to balance out the dynamic. Because we are perfectly imperfect as human beings, the dynamic is often skewed to one side. Collaboration is hard and positivity is just as difficult to maintain.To you who listen along, Stan will also take you down a fascinating neurological path when he explains our survival mechanisms and how the brain takes shortcuts. These facets of our development make it very hard to maintain secure relationships. Our states of mind, the many different perceptions we experience--of which Stan likens to a funhouse mirror--and our imperfect memories, are of many hurdles to overcome. For much more on this uphill climb, tune in.Threats and Shared GovernanceStan reminds us that the small ‘threats’, the eyerolls, the tone laced with animosity, the cold shoulder, passive aggression, all of it, can compound and show up in a very real biological sense. After time, you will view your spouse as a predator. Not in any malicious sense, but because of self-protective tendencies we have learned over our development, our perceptions can certainly be skewed unknowingly.Our capacity or tendency to be threatened in ingrained within us naturally. It can also be a result of upbringing as well. Some of it is triggered merely by standing eye-to-eye with one another; In addition, the principle of ‘shared governance’ can cause threats. Stan describes shared governance as shared principles that both parties believe in that will protect one from each other. He also tells us that this is how society works: we share a similar mythology, an analogous narrative is followed that reflects shared sentiments of governance.Really check out this episode to hear Stan explain it in much more detail.Putting the Relationship First?Stan stands by this practice. He says a lot of breakdown in relationships hinges on differences in focus. If both of you agree to put the kids first over the relationship, Stan believes everyone suffers. He doesn’t condone neglecting the child, but just like well-worn maxim of taking care of yourself before others, so too everyone benefits if there's a strong foundation to work with.The Couple BubbleThis interesting concept is described as two people protecting their relationship ‘ecosystem’. This system is built on accountability, that is, the push-and-pull of a symbiotic partnership where one action affects the other tangibly.Stan tells you to think of it this way: the couple bubble can either guarantee mutually assured destruction or mutually assured survival! Keeping the bubble in focus is extremely important.Much more is said. Do yourself a favor and listen along!What About Mutually Exclusive Needs?During the episode, the very crucial question of differing needs arise. What if there are instances, major or minor, where accommodating each other is very difficult. A job interview that necessitates a move, or simply a softball game that cuts into bowling night. Whatever the event, Stan stresses the need for win-win situations to be created. This compromise works well to keep couples engaged and actively working for each other.When asked if anyone can learn these skills of creating win-wins and of being attuned to the needs of the delicate relationship ecosystem, Stan says it’s not a matter of capacity but of will.If you are chained to someone, you will work together to move successfully. If you are stranded on an island, you will work with your partner to survive. If you are locked in a room with the only stipulation being that you need to come to an agreement, you will think of something. It is will and not capacity.Stan’s Take on SexTo keep this brief, being transparent, communicating, cutting back on self-serving sexual practices, understanding the reasons for performance anxiety, and quickly addressing disagreements before your negative biases compound the problem are all aspects that are discussed in this episode. Check it out!We Versus MeStan closes out the episode by accentuating the importance of focusing on ‘we-ism’ over ‘me-ism’. If you can be mindful of instances in your life where self-serving behavior is harming the overall ‘we’ dynamic of the relationship, then shifting your priorities is essential.For much more on these powerful concepts, tune into this episode. Very impressive stuff.Key Links for Stan TatkinFor Training and Therapy: The PACT Institute - https://thepactinstitute.com/Stan’s Personal Website: https://stantatkin.com/Affiliate links for Stan’s books (meaning I earn a small commission on your purchase):We Do: Saying Yes to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love: https://amzn.to/2EcDOhNWired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship https://amzn.to/2QL669ZWired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate: https://amzn.to/2EdHsbuRelationship Rx: https://amzn.to/2SGQH83Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships: https://amzn.to/2Epptj8More info:Book and New Course - https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb - https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz - http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/

In this episode, I am going to walk you through a beautiful process that I learnt in my training with Layla Martin and a process I use with the couples I work with. This was developed by Stan Tatkin. Stan is a clinician, researcher, teacher and author of four books. The favourite couples book, Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship.Today I am going to be talking you through building, protecting, and not-popping the couple bubble so you can defuse conflict and build a secure relationship.The couple bubble is about keeping each other feeling safe and secure in the relationship - making it about your partners needs rather than YOURS.This is a very helpful process for couples to understand the value and meaning of the couple bubble SO If you didn’t tune into my first podcast - Communicating your Desires, Fears and Love - then you may want to have a listen to that. This is a follow on from this podcast, another communication tool and advice for couples.

Candice Oneida is an international speaker, founder of the Powerfully Feminine Intensives and is Australia's #1 Feminine Success Mentor. Her background in corporate Australia for 12 years and then starting up five successful companies with up to $1 million in annual earnings, led her to the realization that feminine principles were sadly lacking in the business world. Candice is passionate about instilling feminine values, skills and practices into her own businesses as well as teaching others how to do the same in their work and life. With 20 years of deep training in meditation, transformation studies and research, Candice brings depth, knowledge and personal experience to her speaking, programs and private mentoring sessions. Candice has personally taught over 120 workshops and worked with over 2,000 women from all over the world on the topics of self development, meditation, sexuality and feminine power. How can a woman reconnect with her feminine Candice said there is something called the false feminine and the true feminine and most of the things women fear about being in the feminine are related to the false feminine and they don’t serve anyone.   This is fascinating. When You Tripped Up Until Candice realized her lack of connection to her own feminine, her biggest trip up was she was so in her masculine that she would unwittingly emasculate the men. She would end up in this unconscious competition with them. She didn’t allow space and receptivity for the man’s masculine to emerge. And/or she was attracting the wrong kind of man who didn’t match her power. This is her inner power not a power over someone. Then she learned how to lead through her feminine. This created a space of invitation for the man to show up in his true masculine. Which is actually what women want. Proudest moment in partnership Insisting that she held the feminine polarity when she went out and dated. Letting herself feel vulnerable. Letting herself receive the man. Letting herself be real with what was or wasn’t happening in the dating dynamics. This has resulted in her being in a great relationship with a very masculine polarity man. And the more he goes into his masculine, the more she felt confident to go into her feminine. This has created a virtuous circle instead of a vicious one. What is the best partnership / relationship advice you have ever received? Let the masculine lead the direction of the relationship and let the feminine lead the depth. Best Partnership Resource (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=9ade61e438800b556279e654d692ac24) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=d4f607bc02513fe1cf3ed70cf516be29) Interview Links - Candice's website (http://candiceoneida.com/) PowerfullyFem.com (http://PowerfullyFem.com) Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/candiceoneida) (https://speakingofpartnership.com/163-candice-oneida/)

She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not... Ever spent a moment...or several years(!) wondering whether your mate is right for you—or if you're right for them? You're sure as hell not alone. Romantic relationships are seriously confusing, and much of the time we're unaware of our true feelings because our brains work most happily in autopilot mode. If you're ready for a deeper dive into the land of love (or, not-love), listen to our conversation with Stan Tatkin, clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT). Stan teaches family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente, Woodland Hills, CA, and is an assistant clinical professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is author of several books, including Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate, and Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship, and Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships. Visit: www.MeditateThisPodcast.com

GUEST STAN TATKIN: Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms “secure-functioning.” Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT: “Secure Functioning” is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity. How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together. Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship. Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment. Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. “Love yourself before you can love another.”) Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed? People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship. How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship. Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias. Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship. The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive. ***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS*** I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!! MENTIONED: Stan Tatkin (website) PACT Institute (website) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you!  If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Jayson Gaddis is a relationship student & teacher and host of the Smart Couple Podcast, and is on a mission to teach people the one class they didn’t get in school–”How to do intimate relationships.” That’s why he founded The Relationship School™. He was emotionally constipated for years before relationship failure forced him to turn his life over to learning about relationships. Now, he’s married to his amazing wife of 8 years and has two beautiful kids. And when he doesn’t live and breathe this stuff with his family, he pretty much gets his ass handed to him. Jayson will teach you how to use conflict to create a more fulfilling and sustainable relationship. He teaches you that hidden within any and all “relationship pain” are the seeds of you getting more empowered in your life and more connected to yourself. He teaches virtual relationship empowerment classes to students around the globe. And even though many of his school teachers said he sucked at writing, he writes anyway for The Good Men Project & Elephant Journal, The Jungle Of Life, Primer Magazine, Integral Life, and Recovering Yogi. Guiding Principle, Quote or Mantra Relationships are about growth, not happiness. When you have a growth mindset, then when your partner pisses you off or upsets you or does things that hurt your feelings, it’s not a problem. When You Tripped Up Early on in Jayson’s relationship with the woman who is now his wife he was studying psychotherapy and thought he really knew how to listen. When he tried to apply the techniques he had learned with his then girlfriend, they didn’t really work. And he kept trying them for years. Through her loving feedback, which was challenging at times, Jayson learned how to listen in a way that worked for her. And he realized he was mostly listening in a way that worked for him. Jayson’s rule of thumb that he learned from this experience is that he doesn’t understand his wife until she feels understood and she says so.  Proudest moment in partnership Jayson was recently backpacking with his wife and kids and he essentially set up the trip for everyone. As they watched the Sun set one evening, he looked over at the smiles on his family’s faces and was so proud and happy to have a family and partnership that he can do these types of things with. Current Partnerships Jayson and his wife make it a point to carve out time for a date night every week. They are both crazy busy and they make it a priority.  This commitment to connecting and supporting each other and challenging each other about their lives is huge for them. What is the best partnership / relationship advice you have ever received? Partnerships and relationships are about growth. And they can be a path to becoming more of yourself. Best Partnership Book (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=3cccd0d6d6f623c618cfd09888db96e9) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=7be1c29bae48e4c54f53f34a58178f25) The Payoff of Partnership Having kids. For Jayson this is the biggest payoff. He knows he is a better person because he is a father and a husband. None of this would have been possible if he didn’t partner with someone. Jayson’s life is enhanced 10x because he is married to an amazing woman and they have a an awesome partnership. More is possible in his life, in his business and everywhere else, when he’s plugged into her and their vibe is good and their on. He can tackle...

In podcast episode 94, “4 Reasons Why Creating Lasting Love Is So Difficult” I offered four reasons why partners will give-up on or break-up a relationship. Today, we are exploring the mechanisms behind our belief systems in relationship. This will be a two-part series. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) HOW COME MY PARTNER SEEMS SO DIFFERENT FROM WHEN WE FIRST STARTED DATING? A challenge we are faced with along the path of developing long-term intimacy is learning how to deal with our protective mechanisms. This is an unexpected challenge, as we do not anticipate needing to protect ourselves against our significant other. During the initial stages of love, we emphasize all the positive qualities of the relationship and connection. In some ways, we imagine how great we are for one another (since we don’t really know). When the romance settles a bit, we may enter into a deeper level of commitment, and we begin to see our differences emerge. Seeing these differences might be surprising (different from what we imagined) and challenging….especially when we do not know how to deal with conflict well. This dynamic gets even more confusing and complicated because we have essentially moved from a position of hope and optimism to one of caution and protection. WHY DO I FEEL SO PROTECTIVE WITH MY PARTNER? If you have listened to my podcast before, you may have heard me talk about the fact that evolutionarily, we are wired up to protect ourselves and to survive. The very primal part of our brain…namely the amygdala let’s us know when there is a threat. This part of the brain has been storing and cataloging all the painful experiences up to date, so that it can be prepared and ready to protect and take care in the event a similar situation should occur again. This protective systems main goal is to keep you safe. It is quick to respond and does not decipher, discern, or differentiate well. When a threat is detected, our fight, flight, or freeze response kicks into gear. Our brain does not take the time to distinguish between “a bear is chasing us” and “our partner is slighting us.” All threats feel similar within our nervous system, whether it is a physical or an emotional threat. When we feel threaten in relationship, our early experiences with connection are getting brought up to the surface. OUR CONNECTION IMPRINT When we enter into a deeper level of commitment through marriage or life partnership, the romantic bond activates a deep part of our being called the attachment system. This attachment system is more or less an early imprint of connection. This imprint of connection reflects how we were cared for or not cared for by our parents/caregivers, as well as how we learned to respond through our thinking, feeling, and physiology. In a secure connection, we learned to believe that our needs would be met and that the world is a safe place. We felt loved and felt confident about our ability to receive comfort and affection. Our body and nervous system was relaxed, calm, and functioning well. As babies, we needed our parents/primary caretakers to survive. While we do not need our partners for survival the emotional bond activates the very same system. Our romantic connections hold the same level of intensity, stakes, and vulnerability. If you are interested in learn more about what insecure attachment looks like, check out this episode or this research paper (wrote many years ago). PROTECTIVE TRIPWIRE With any level of insecurity, pain, hurt, or injury in the past, your brain has kept very good track of this experience, so that it can protect you in the future. Yet, this protective mechanism works too well in many cases, as the system responds to any PERCEIVED threat…anything that looks, smells, tastes, sounds, and feels similar to the previous painful experience. Often, this happens so quickly we aren’t even aware of it until we are already in the flight, flight, or freeze mode. The benefit of this protective system is that it works hard to keep you safe, and it does a good job. With any sign of threat, you will be on guard. The draw back is there may be many opportunities for false alarms. In relationship, our interactions are happening so quickly, and we rarely take the time to flush everything out. Deciphering interactions and perceived threats are especially confusing, when we have don’t trust and are cautious with our partner. HIGHER SKILLS ARE NOT ACCESSIBLE When we feel protective, defensive, and threatened, the more evolved parts of our brain are off-line. All of our energy and resources are going towards getting ready to fight or flee. Therefore, we do not have access to our higher levels of thinking and processing, like regulating emotions, perceiving emotions in others, executive thinking, and decision-making. EXCERPT FROM “WIRED FOR LOVE” BY STAN TATKIN, PSYD: (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript for the excerpt) By understanding these protective mechanisms more, we can see how it is possible to move from hope and optimism to caution and defensiveness in relationship.  Basically, we go from anticipating the best to anticipating the worst in relationship. Anticipating the worst in your partner or relationship can have grave effects on love and lasting relationship. Stay tuned for the next episode, as we will explore how this plays out with more specifics and examples. If you are interested in learning how to manage your reactions and regulate your nervous system, so that you can engage a more progressive and productive process please sign-up for my Connect Couples Program, which will give you step-by-step support and guidance…stay tuned for details. In the meantime, check out this free ebook “7 Ways Relationships Fail (And what you can do to save yours)” Instant Access MENTIONED: Survey – Empowered Relationship Feedback (survey link) ERP 052: Save Your Relationship By Understanding Your Attachment Needs (podcast) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (book – amazon link) Adult Attachment in Romantic Relationship Research paper (opt-in) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 095: How Your Beliefs Can Destroy Your Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the “Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins” button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.  

Chelli Pumphrey is a licensed professional counselor and a dating coach from Denver, Colorado.  She is devoted to helping others live and love passionately by gaining the confidence to be authentic in their relationships. Chelli offers retreats, therapy, and coaching for those looking for guidance on how to keep their minds calm and their hearts strong on their quest for love. Guiding Principle, Quote or Mantra Be brave. Be you. And be loved. Tripped Up in a Partnership She was married for 10 years and most of the time was unfulfilled and unhappy.  She did not know how to be brave, assert her needs and be loved and it ended up in divorce. Chelli entered the dating world again and eventually realized she was doing exactly what she did in her marriage and it was not working. Just kept repeating the same relationship over and over. Then started a huge effort to take a risk and it paid off big time… The “DUH” moment that changed your partnerships forever Chelli was in a relationship that fed her belief that “she wasn’t good enough.” Then she started to learn about attachment theory and realized that her “attachment stuff” was getting in the way of a healthy relationship.  Applying what she learned allowed her to transform her relationships and find partners who were a better match for her. Proudest moment in partnership Her most recent relationship is her one of her proudest moments in partnership because it is crystal clear that she has changed many of her old patterns. To feel respected and cared for in this new way, makes her light up. Current Partnership that Has You Excited The relationships where she is authentic and vulnerable. Where her and her partner take those risks with each other. It is a two way street. What is the best partnership / relationship advice you have ever received? Take the risk to be yourself and be authentic. If something isn’t working for you, it’s probably time to take a risk and try something different. Best Partnership Book (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=SUXO32DNJLWF6VIF) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1608820580/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1608820580&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=47NT6TCD62WHTG2M) (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1585429139&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=4WMOB6J4ZFLRKKNL)   Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1585429139/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=1585429139&linkCode=as2&tag=speakofpartn-20&linkId=X3WKISCWYQOEEB3J) Payoff of Partnership - A good partnership is like a foundation. And when you have that foundation, you can build the rest of your life on top of it with confidence. Interview Links - www.AuthenticDate.com (http://www.AuthenticDate.com) Chelli’s Facebook Page (https://www.facebook.com/Chelli-Pumphrey-1678574959024309/)

Title: Recipe for a Secure, Healthy Relationship: Stan Tatkin If you’ve listened to some of the other episodes then by now you’ve heard how so much of what happens to us as kids can affect how we are, in relationship, as adults. You can get into the specifics if you want - and there are times when I think that’s a good idea - but you can also look at the big picture of whether or not you had a secure attachment with your parents (and now are able to have a healthy, secure style in your adult relationships). Or you might find that you developed what’s known as an insecure attachment style with your parents, and now THAT is affecting how you connect with  (or withdraw from) the people you love as an adult. Do you sometimes feel an overarching need for space and find yourself always feeling like your partner wants too much from you? Do you start to feel anxious when you’re alone, like your partner isn’t there for you enough. Well, guess what - this all relates to your attachment style. The great thing about it is: there’s something you can do. On today’s show our guest is Stan Tatkin, Doctor of Psychology, one of the world’s experts on attachment theory, and the author of “Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship”. On this show we’re going to get to know the ins and outs of how we attach to others - and give you some successful strategies for knowing and understanding yourself, and your partner, and finding healthy ways to support each other in relationship. If you’re single, we’re also going to talk about the implications of attachment style on dating - and Stan’s new book “Wired for Dating” is coming out this month - January of 2016. In this conversation, Stan Tatkin and I cover the following topics: Wired for Love is a manual for how to feel safe in relationship. When we don’t feel safe and secure in our relationship it can create a lot of stress, problems with thinking and focus, creativity, patience, etc. And the long-term effects of stress can contribute to all kinds of illness and dis-ease. So there are very practical reasons for understanding clearly how to feel safe in relationship (both what will increase your feelings of safety in relationship as well as how to help your partner feel safe). What is at the root of your attachment style? Your attachment style is created by the primary relationship that you have as a child, generally with your mother. As an infant we learn very quickly whether or not our parent (or primary caregiver) is there for us unconditionally. If so, we learn to trust those on whom we come to depend in our primary relationship. If not, we develop an insecure attachment style as a response to the uncertainty that our needs will be met in our primary relationship. Insecure attachment styles: Islands -  People who are more “islands” in their attachment style (the ones who need extra space) typically had to perform or be a certain way in order to experience love in their primary relationship. They tend to distance themselves in relationship as they are afraid of losing themselves within the relationship, or being co-opted. Insecure attachment styes: - Waves - People who are “waves” tend to be more needy and afraid of abandonment in relationship. Typically they were responsible for the emotional well-being of at least one of their parents, and so they were rewarded for being dependent. Both insecure attachment styles can be distancing: Both waves and islands can also distance themselves ultimately within a relationship, waves because they are afraid of being abandoned, and islands because they are afraid of being consumed. At the root of both avenues: fear. And both islands and waves WANT relatedness - it’s just the kinds of fears that relatedness creates that lead to wave-like or island-like behavior. Are you an island or a wave? How about your partner? We all have elements of secure attachment, and the different insecure attachment styles, but under duress you will probably veer more towards one than the other. And the way you go can change depending on the relationship that you’re in. Are you more of a “go it alone” kind of person, with the feeling that no one can do something better than you? This way of being is supported quite a bit in western culture, and can lead to being an island. Are you more chatty, interested in other people and relationship, very related to others, very affected by separations and reunions? Odds are that you’re more of a wave. No judgment! It’s important to know that neither of these is good or bad, they just “are” and affected by your experience. With an understanding of where you are, and an understanding of your partner (or potential partners), you can come away with a map of how to build safety in your relationship - a secure container from which everything else grows and prospers. These patterns of behavior only come up in relationship. So - don’t be surprised when it emerges after the courtship/honeymoon phase of a relationship. This is just “what we do” when we begin to see a relationship with another person as “permanent”. What is the difference between securely attached, or creating safety, and co-dependency in a relationship? If you’re codependent, then you are overly concerned with the other person and not concerned with yourself at all. You are sacrificing yourself for the sake of the relationship. However, in a secure relationship, or a relationship where islands and waves come together in order to create a safe, thriving environment for each other, both people serve the THIRD entity, the relationship, as they see it as a path for both of them to grow/expand even more than they could if they were on their own. It’s not important to worry about moving from an insecure attachment style to a secure attachment style. It’s more important for you and your partner to understand how each other operate and to create agreements that support you and your safe container. By virtue of doing so, you will naturally move towards a more secure attachment style. Either way, though, those agreements will ensure that you are working collaboratively, without judgment of each other - instead appreciating how each other is in the world, and knowing better than anyone else in the world how to provide an environment that feels safe and secure to each other. Be a detective to learn what works and what doesn’t work with your partner. Taking this approach helps engage your curiosity, and helps you tune in to how what you do actually is affecting the other person. The “I’m just going to take care of me and you just take care of you” approach may sound good on paper, but it’s usually experienced as a threat to the relationship. Excessive self-reliance can actually become an exit strategy in a relationship. These mechanisms are ruled by the primitive part of your brain. And, in general, if the primal part of your brain is triggered then that part of your brain is going to call the shots - the higher-functioning part of your brain can’t even do it’s job when the primitive part of your brain hijacks it or diverts resources away from it. The importance of agreements: Do you have agreements with your partner that allow you to repair as soon as either of you gets triggered? These kinds of agreements allow you to come back into balance and connection with each other - and then address the specifics of what came up afterwards. If your partner is in distress then it becomes a priority for you to help them recover first - and then figure out strategies for working through whatever caused the distress. Establishing the “Couple Bubble” - All of these strategies are about improving the container of your relationship, or what Stan Tatkin calls the “couple bubble”. Create rituals to reinforce your togetherness. Bedtime rituals, rituals upon waking - or I also share in the podcast a ritual for reminding each other of togetherness before walking into situations that could be triggering. It’s not healthy to avoid conflict. However, you can learn to “fight smart”. For one thing, are you always looking for ways to resolve conflict that are true win/win options? Only when your interests are aligned with your partner, and nobody loses, can you get out of being triggered in anger and arrive at conclusions that foster greater love and connection - even when you are in a disagreement. When dealing with an island… it can be helpful to offer quick doses of love without holding on for too lengthy a period of time. Islands can be more left-brain dominant (verbal, logical) - so it can be helpful to express your love in left-brain sorts of ways. When dealing with a wave… offer reassurance that you love them, touch, etc. Waves tend to be more right-brainy, so offering touch, emotion, movement - those are all strategies that can build safety and connection for a wave. Your relationship is an ecosystem. And once you create a secure, safe ecosystem where you are safe being you and sharing everything with your partner, you are now have energy and resources free to be able to thrive even more in your life than you could in an insecure environment, or independent of relationship. That kind of security that only partnership can offer actually allows you to be more fully “you” in the world than you could have before. Are you still auditioning? We act differently when we’re not all in in terms of commitment. One to two years is a reasonable amount of time to know if you really want to be with someone. After that, it’s time to decide if you’re really in it or not - so that you can experience what it’s like to be in relationship with this person when both of you are fully invested. And then you’ll get MORE information that will help you decide if it really is what you want for the LONG long term. Eye contact and close physical proximity! Both are important strategies for fostering the biology that leads to feeling safe, secure, and happy in your relationship. Another reason oxytocin/vasopressin is important: These neuropeptides allow you to experience stillness without fear. So important for fostering intimacy, particularly when intimacy can stimulate fear - either through being a survivor of trauma, or through simply being a wave or an island. What about polyamory? At the core of polyamory is generally the “primary” pair. Who would you turn to first when you’re in distress, or to celebrate something amazing? That being said, the main thing is that all of your relationships should keep you feeling safe and secure, and when a relationship violates that, it’s going to be problematic, whether it’s your primary relationship or secondary, tertiary, etc. How does this apply when you’re single? Bear in mind that the cascade of neurochemicals that you’re experiencing when you’re dating will keep you from really knowing what’s going on with the other person. One important tool for you is to leverage the power of your community - family, friends, etc. - to help you decide whether or not someone is actually good for you. Not that you should invalidate your own opinion and feelings, of course - but you can count on others who are not love-drunk to help you get clarity on the situation. There’s more information in Stan Tatkin’s new book “Wired for Dating” as well. Resources: Stan Tatkin's website - www.stantatkin.com Stan Tatkin on Facebook Stan Tatkin on Twitter Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin on Amazon Wired for Dating by Stan Tatkin on Amazon www.neilsattin.com/wired is the direct link to this episode. Visit to download the show guide, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the show guide. If you download the guide within the first week of this episode's airing, you are automatically qualified for a chance to win a free copy of “Wired for Love”! Our Relationship Alive Community on Facebook Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out!

I’m excited to announce that Dr. Stan Tatkin will be joining me to discuss his book Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Spark Intimacy.

Listen live on Wednesday, February 15th for two exciting and inspiring interviews. At 10 AM EST, Jill Iscol, President of the IF Hummingbird Foundation and co-founder of the Iscol Family Program for Leadership Development at Cornell University, will discuss her first book Hearts on Fire: Twelve Stories of Today's Visionaries Igniting Idealism into Action. Kathryn will also interview Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT and author of the book Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship at 10:30 AM. Stan will share his expertise on relationships, attachment styles, couples therapy, and conflict defusion.

Listen live on Wednesday, February 15th for two exciting and inspiring interviews. At 10 AM EST, Jill Iscol, President of the IF Hummingbird Foundation and co-founder of the Iscol Family Program for Leadership Development at Cornell University, will discuss her first book Hearts on Fire: Twelve Stories of Today's Visionaries Igniting Idealism into Action. Kathryn will also interview Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT and author of the book Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship at 10:30 AM. Stan will share his expertise on relationships, attachment styles, couples therapy, and conflict defusion.