Madness Madness!

Y'all.  We have been dragging ourselves through this last month so hard Andrew Wyeth is gonna paint us in a picture.  To make up for our absence, this week we are packing heat. Put the kids to bed and settle in for  ride.  NCAA rivalry?  Science fiction conventions?  Cynthia the Celebrity Mannequin?Curiosity killed the cat. Satisfaction brought her back. 

Any of your better cheese experts will tell you there's nothing that pairs better with a fist-sized hunk of Government Cheese than a couple of British ghost stories, one almost certainly made up, the other definitely made up. Warm up your false vocal chords for some fake ghost sounds, and learn more about the chain of government fuckery that ended with the son of a bitch Ronald Reagan offloading warehouses of third-rate Velveeta to his most hated enemy, Poor People!

My freshman year in college I (Brian) got like, Freshman Drunk at a house party where a home video was playing. My friend Jeff appeared in the video several times, and apparently every time he was onscreen I would slur, from the living room floor, "there's Jeff." The story of Gef (he's Welsh!) the Talking Mongoose seems not dissimilar, except the house where it took place was definitely harder to get to, from the sounds of things. Good thing College Brian wasn't addicted to drugs, or he might have wound up at Narconon, a "drug rehab" program that's "definitely not a Scientology front" and is surely "not responsible for the deaths of numerous patients over the years due to its foundation on utter quackery spouted off by an oily maniac." Dodged a bullet there!

We don't like to brag or anything, but the people behind Madness Madness have accomplished some pretty incredible feats of combat prowess, to the point where several hit movies have been based on our exploits: Avatar, Avengers: Endgame, Avatar: The Way of Water, Titanic, Star Wars: Episode VII - The Force Awakens, Avengers: Infinity War, Spider-Man: No Way Home, Jurassic World, The Lion King, The Avengers, Furious 7, Top Gun: Maverick, Frozen II, and of course Barbie. That's more than $27 billion at the box office just from the ones we can name off the tops of our heads, so honestly we've got nothing to learn from Frank Dux, a fight choreographer and semi-professional liar whose “life story,” the 1988 Jean-Claude Van Damme breakout “Bloodsport,” pulled in a mere puff of dust to the tune of $11.8 million worldwide, which I don't even think is enough money to wipe your ass with these days.Nonetheless we'll hear about this valor-stealing boomer schmuck, then imagine him dropped into Cassadaga, Florida (formerly New York), the fortune-telling capital of the world, mouthing off to a series of increasingly irritable palm readers until the ghost of Patrick Swayze manifests and Road House roundhouses him so hard he lands in a different ZIP code from his medals of honor, which turn out to be made of cardboard and cellophane anyway. Join us, won't you?

Aine's in town! In honor of friend of the pod/friend of us as actual people, today's episode is all Australia, all the time! There's Corn Thins! Mike invented them! There's Tim Tams! Some saint or another invented them! And there's research that yields phrases like “singer Paul Joseph, Donny McCormack (ex-Nutwood Rug Band), The Larrikins and Ian Farr!” Former Nutwood Rug Band members infested the Nimbin Aquarius Festival, a surprisingly thoughtful invasion of a small town in New South Wales during the sixties; decades earlier, significantly less thought was given to the entire enterprise known as the Emu War, which you may know by now was not won by non-Emus. Join us, won't you?

Florida's state government isn't the only bunch to get a bug up its collective ass over Disney not being fundamentalist enough: Turns out there's a storied history of Old Testament fanboys opening entire theme parks, except instead of a theme there's the Bible, and instead of a park there's the Bible. Today we learn more about this string of inexplicable failures, plus one man's equally successful plan to boost Americans' frog intake by several hundredfold. Albert Broel is the author of “Frog Raising for Pleasure and Profit,” and believe us when we tell you that's not even the best part of Albert Brull. All this, plus Doug! Our friend Doug is here, and we love him. Also there's a lot of singing, and most of it's pretty great. Doug! Songs! Frogs! Fundamentalists! It's all here!

Like reasonable people everywhere, we here at Madness Madness, when considering the accurate and true representation of American Indians in film, television, and literature, immediately think of Germany. Thus none of you will be surprised to learn of Karl May, creator in the 1890s of the “Old Shatterhand” novels, the Wild West adventures of the titular benevolent whitey and his “blood brother” Winnetou, a wise chief of the Apache, a formula that would in no way lead to an utterly bizarre century-plus-long fixation by Germans on American Indian life as portrayed by a man born in the Kingdom of Saxony.You know what Old Shatterhand didn't have? Access to driver's education snuff films, the bread and butter of one Richard Wayman, a man with access to a vast store of color film and a frankly troubling affinity for the Ohio Highway Patrol. Wayman's literal snuff films—“Signal 30,” “Highways of Agony,” “Mechanized Death”(!), and of course “Hell's Highway”—routinely terrorized driver's education students from the ‘50s through at least the early ‘90s. His interests also included filming “sting” operations to publicly humiliate gay men and producing disastrous telethons featuring Sammy Davis Jr. Meet both these white guys on this episode of Madness Madness!

We say it a lot here on the show, but the 1960s was an era unique for its sheer volume of uninformed drug-induced white guy fuckery. Emblematic of said fuckery was Dr. John C. Lilly, who was real into dolphins and LSD and giving dolphins LSD when he wasn't floating in an isolation tank trying to miraculously make it even further up his own ass. Fortunately the '70s and '80s came along, and everybody got their shit together hahahahahaha just kidding. One guy did get an idea to put on a rainbow afro wig and cram some Jesus into televised sports though: Rollen Stewart gained a kind of fame, then a kind of infamy, and finally a free ticket to life without parole for his trouble. Fortunately he also inspired one of the greatest early '90s SNL sketches ever made.Content warning: There is some deeply upsetting stuff about dolphins in here. Also there's a hostage situation in a motel room during which no dolphins are harmed.

If you've ever asked yourself, “Do I have what it takes to cross the equator? On a boat? For the first time?”, you'll need to consider some follow-up questions: How good a swimmer are you? How do you feel about the biggest, hairiest dude on your ship being greased up and dressed like a baby? And is there a way you can take a car, plane, or train instead? We'll examine these questions on today's episode, plus we'll learn how relatively straightforward it is to exploit repressive Victorian social mores for fun, profit, and crimes, crimes, crimes! Of COURSE you can sell people literal poison packaged as an elixir of youth! Of COURSE you can skate straight on through to extortion! Of COURSE your storefront is a terrific anchor business for the brothel you're running upstairs! Come on in and let's get started, using the Madame Rachel method!

SPRING BREEEEEAK!!!! Today we're taking a break from not talking about cults, so as to learn more about the Blackburn Cult, the proper name of which is the Divine Order of the Royal Arms of the Great Eleven, a name perhaps designed to remind people that while the Great Depression might be raging, you can still use as many words and letters as you want when naming your Jesus-adjacent child-resurrection grift. Then it's time for a ROAD TRIIIIIIP!!! To a blank spot by I-35, just north of Dallas, in June, for an outdoor Jesus music festival in weather more like Actual Hell than anyone seems willing to discuss! Explo '72 was the fundamentalist Woodstock that people had, I guess, been waiting for? Which people, and since when, are questions I definitely don't care about. Join us, won't you? SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS! SHOTS!

Have we all, every one of us, stared at a small humanlike doll and thought to ourselves, "What would it be like if this doll were like 35+ dudes and I starved them for six months in the University of Minnesota football stadium?" Of course we have; there's no need to even phrase it as a question. A notable fellow of science thought the same thing during World War II, and the results were the Minnesota Starvation Experiments, in which at least one dude just went full raccoon and started wandering around campus at night eating garbage. None of that is made up.Meanwhile in northeastern Oklahoma, the Duke Boys were watching, helpless, as Ole Boss Hogg stole a bunch of American Indian land AGAIN, dug a bafflingly high number of lead mines, abandoned them when they stopped making money, and left countless piles of lead and rock dust hundreds of feet high next to stagnant pools of acidic lead water sitting on top of gigantic underground man-made caverns that were supported only by old boards! Don't worry though—the Dukes never put two and two together to pin it on Boss Hogg, as they'd been severely lead poisoned by the air and water of Picher, Oklahoma, one of our nation's very worst Superfund sites that's uninhabitable to this very day. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Tar Creek, one of the more perfect examples of Oklahoma fellating businesses while said businesses burns the entire state down and puts on a fake nose and big glasses when it's time to foot the cleanup bill! Join us, won't you?

A lot of people say dentistry lost its street cred when it started happening in "Offices" with "Sterile Instruments" and "Windows that close," and at one point the Street Dentist who legally changed his first name to Painless to avoid a lawsuit would have agreed with you. Today we learn about this ... guy ... in the history of dentistry. Plus, a look at Tokugawa Ieyasu, the actual guy at the center of James Clavell's incredibly lengthy but surprisingly pretty good historical novel "Shogun."PROGRAMMING NOTE: The guy Amanda couldn't remember in this episode was Charles Bronson.

Most days you get up, have a coffee, look at the same six gifs again, and then it's off to work. But what if you didn't have the daily grind to distract you, and you could focus on doing the things that really feed your soul?If the things that feed your soul include dressing in blackface and pranking the entire Imperial Navy, you've got some racist shit going on. But also the story of the Dreadnought hoax will be of particular interest to you! Meanwhile, if you've ever been an oppressed native woman in dire enough straights to accept a caretaker job on an expedition designed to claim an Arctic island for Canada even though literally everyone agrees it's Russian territory, only to find yourself the only survivor, you are probably Ada Blackjack, because to our knowledge she's the only person that's happened to. Hear all about it on this week's Madness Madness!

What better way to ring in the new year with a solid six months of deafening, damaging aural assaults that you're powerless to stop? Other than a bracing series of square dances, nothing I can think of! This week we learn about what would ultimately become one of the most important reasons we don't have cross-country supersonic passenger flights. We also learn about what is almost certainly the rootin'est, tootin'est American tradition of all: the venerable square dance. All this knowledge, delivered with the benefit of several bottles of Prosecco and a poop shotgun*! Join us, won't you?*Poop shotgun does not fire poop. Restrictions apply.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a Lady? If yes, were you a Lady in the United States during the 19th Century? You are doubtless familiar, then, with Godey's Lady's Book, a source of densely packed text, hand-colored fashion plates, piano sheet music, and the odd Edgar Allan Poe short story ("for the love of Godey, Montresor!"). All this, plus a look at the troubled romance between legendary circus aerialists: Lillian Leitzel, a tiny woman who is stronger than you or any man you know, and Alfredo Codona, a shining star of the Flying Codonas, shunned for years by the Walking Codonas, who were generally agreed to be fiercely jealous of their far more glamorous cousins. Join us, won't you?

You know what's awesome? VICTORIAN LADY THIEVES. You know what else is awesome? Science Fiction! Mostly! Partly. It's complicated. Today we hear tales of both things!

Two pivotal questions lie at the heart of this week's episode. One: To what extent have we been collectively missing out as a society since the practice of soap carving fell by the wayside? Two: What happens when Erin and Amanda don't call their dad?

By the time July 4, 1976 had rolled around, a lot of people had put a lot of effort into crushing the whole thing into a bureaucratic logjam. A lot more people had made sure not one single American had the option of forgetting, even for a moment, that it was the BICENTENNIAL AND EVERYBODY BETTER AMERICA REAL REAL HARD STARTING RIGHT NOW, GOT IT?!? By that point, chiropractic medicine had begun to ease into a slightly less quackery-intensive version of itself (don't worry, it was still pretty batshit). Learn about both on today's Madness Madness, now brought to you in color!

Today, a lighthearted look at England's long and storied history of, as an official act, killing men for being gay. It goes back a while! It's awful and pointless, but ... uh. Well. No actual "but" there, as it turns out. We'll also examine a group of racist vigilantes of the pedigree that's only possible in central Missouri. Also they called themselves "The Bald Knobbers," and the fact that they went around beating people for moral failings while having a name only slightly less pornographic than "Sleazy Gang Bang XI: Thursday Night at The Man Hole" is an irony seemingly lost on them. It's just gross. Join us, won't you?

George Pullman, it should be universally agreed, was a huge piece of shit. Nobody who isn't a huge piece of shit has himself buried in hundreds of cubic feet of concrete and railroad ties to keep his employees from besmirching his corpse. Today we'll be talking about the Pullman Porters, black men and women who migrated north for a better life after the War the South Started Because They Didn't Want to Stop Owning Other Human Beings and found work—up to 400 hours of it per month! This did ultimately lead to unionization, but not before a whole lot of racism from both the Pullman Company and the existing employees' union. Then we'll hear about The Hitler Diaries, which aired for 8 seasons on The CW and starred Ian Somerhalder. Wait, no. The Hitler Diaries were a different thing, but were also fake. Join us for our 69th* episode, won't you?...........*nice

It's easy to forget the days before fertility treatments that yielded between four and thirty babies per pregnancy. It's even easier to forget 1934, since most of us weren't born yet. You know who WAS born in 1934? The Dionne Quintuplets! As was the case for a great many Depression-era babies, things didn't go as well as they could have. Speaking of the number five and the year 1934, a guy named Philip Kives WAS FIVE YEARS OLD IN 1934! After spending several years as a child, Kives went on to form K-TEL records, which is a memory bomb that'll blow your mind if you're older than 42 or so. JUST THE HIIIIIITS

Boomeur Sooneur!! Today Erin takes a look at the practically unheard-of* football team at the University of Oklahoma, and Amanda introduces us to Julie d'Aubigny, a vastly overexposed** 17th-Century fencing master, opera singer, and lover of the ladies, who managed to do a frankly astonishing amount of L-I-V-I-N inside 33 years. Join us, won't you?* a number of people may have actually heard of OU football** d'Aubigny is not, in fact, overexposed

If you've listened to the podcast for a while, you've almost certainly been waiting literally months to hear us spend an hour and a half talking about cats. WAIT NO LONGER, MY FRIENDS! Today Amanda tells us about ship's cats, in between the times when we interrupt ourselves and each other talking about other cats. Then Erin takes us on a trip in the wayback machine to a sleepy little hamlet by the name of Pyongyang, and the time its former dictator kidnapped a couple of South Korean film luminaries to make a series of movies for him. Extras were absolutely harmed during the making of these films. Join us, won't you?

The thing about the '80s is that there was a lot of money and a lot of drugs, and they were both gonna last forever! Until they didn't. This week Erin tells us about the collapse of the Penn Square Bank, which knocked the oil business on its ass far beyond the greater Oklahoma City area, and was toooootally different than the financial collapse of 2008 you guys, OK? OK. Then Amanda takes us back to a time when the shitty actress wife of a shitty actor president told kids across America how all we had to do to avoid a life of drug-fueled desperation was Just Say No, OK? OK! It's her fault Gary Coleman is dead. Don't believe any of that horse shit kidney failure cover story.

Regretfully we must inform you, our avid listeners, that there is no new episode this week because Adobe is being a dick about things. We are working on these technical difficulties and will be back as soon as humanly possible. 

Today's show is a real study in contrasts. England's Pearly Kings and Queens (you've probably seen them even if you don't know the name) are working-class Britons who've been collecting money for charity by way of some truly jaw-dropping suits for more than a century. The person in charge of the "Irish Crown Jewels," by contrast, is ... actually exactly appropriate kind of person to be looking after English headgear that commemorates the subjugation of their very first colony, which largely did not deal with crap of this nature in earlier times. Oyster shells! Donkeys! Parades! Upper-class Gay Shit involving Ernest Shackleton's shitty brother! Don't miss it.

Sometimes a stark tragedy takes the form of an imperfect history. In this case the tragedy is that the Beast of Gévaudan, a creature or creatures who spent a chunk of the 1760s taking fatal chunks out of terrified villagers of the French countryside, did not show up 200 years later in the bus containing Ken Kesey and his "Merry Pranksters" and spend at least a few minutes of the 1960s dispatching one of the shining lights of white male Boomer self-indulgence. To hell with that guy. Enjoy the show! 

Vacations! You love 'em! Unless they keep your favorite podcast from having a new episode. Then you resent them, which is understandable. We'll be back next week! It's still hot.

Is it hyperbolic to call it a Clown Riot when they were rioting against the Toronto Fire Department? Maybe. When clowns kick the ass of a city's fire department, and the fire department are Orangemen to a man and collectively symbolic both of municipal graft and Ulster Unionist fuckery, are the clowns immediately granted IRA membership? Friends, I've been drinking. Thus the work of parsing the intricacies of clownsmen vs. protestant quislings will fall to you, dear listener. Once you're done doing that, consider this: Have you ever lesbianned so hard that you hallucinated? It's OK, apparently that was pretty common during the era of The Versailles Time Slip, a thing that happened to two unmarried women 120 years ago as they were TRYING to take a PLEASANT WALK at VERSAILLES without A BUNCH OF GHOSTS SHOWING UP, but alas. Join us, won't you?

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Well fuck, it's wartime again on Madness Madness. Today we learn about legitimate national hero Chris Noel, who started her work actually supporting the actual troops in a way more useful than car window stickers in Vietnam and never looked back. We also learn about The Hunley!, a Civil War-era submarine that worked about as well as the submarine you picture in your head after hearing the words "Civil War-era submarine." Don't worry, they eventually succeeded in a mission that killed their fourth or fifth crew before sinking for the last time. (It's cool, they were Confederates.) A crucial fact about The Hunley: The 1999 TV movie TNT made about it was exactly the tribute it deserved. [GAAAAAAAASP]

Look, the IRA did some unforgivable things in response to some equally unforgivable things done by the Ulster Unionists and centuries of even worse things done by the fucking English. But when you kidnap a horse hailed as a national hero by the people of Ireland itself, you have officially gone too far. Today we hear the tale of Shergar, a horse who was real good at running fast, and of Bild Lilli, a doll originally made in 1950s Germany for a right-wing newspaper's gross dude readers. By 1964 she'd dyed her hair, crossed the pond, and started a job with a little joint called Mattel. All this plus we talk about how it's hot! It's hot.

Hello! Madness Madness is currently out of the office. You've pressed six to learn more about Tom Petty! Brian reads an excerpt from a remembrance by Warren Zanes, Petty's biographer, published a year after the absolute legend's death. You can read the full article here.

Hello! You've reached Madness Madness. We are currently out of the office. Please listen to your choices carefully, as our menu has changed.

How 'bout we just list some key items this episode has in it: Border Blasters, goat testicle implantation, rootin' tootin' child neglect, Brother Al ("A-L"), one hundred baby chicks by mail, Big Tex continuing to slowly and mechanically wave as he is engulfed in flames*, the ionosphere. Get to it!*this is quite possibly the funniest thing that had ever happened before the "Four Seasons Total Landscaping" incident

Friends, do you like stunning stone structures perched on piney hilltops? Do you like the ghosts of mistreated sanitarium patients, dead from neglect? OK what about the ghost of a cute little orange tabby cat? OK! Me too! Let's go to the Crescent Hotel then, and learn about Eureka Springs' most haunted place! (Also one of the prettiest.) Oh, and be sure to bring a book! We'll be relaxing in the hot springs with an annotated copy of the Voynich Manuscript. The annotations all say "I don't know what this part here means either; this book is, as I have said repeatedly, mostly gibberish. Please let me see my family again." BEACH READS!!!

This week we have a look at the actual events that led to a legendary song, the most famous version of which contained the line "I've got three little children and a very sickly wife." Stagger Lee! Real shit! That there is a song that contains absolutely no hidden backward lyrics, which means it wasn't a part of the moral majority scare about rock music hiding backward lyrics that would ... subliminally make us think Paul McCartney was dead? Or something. Climb on, it's a ride!

Today we learn about automatons from hundreds of years ago, the most famous of which may have been The Mechanical Turk, which played chess with actual people in the room and got pissy with you if you tried to cheat. Then it's a personal story of a deeply unsettling babysitting gig, the 1989 Olympic Festival in Norman, Oklahoma, and the bleak shitscape that our lives as Americans is becoming. It's fucking awful! Join us.BONUS: The OK 89 Olympic Festival in its entirety, cued up to Roger Miller's performance, which was unquestionably the best part.

OK WELL ANYWAY now that the tornado has passed, Erin can continue talking about Kit Williams' book "Masquerade" and the real-life treasure hunt it spawned (on purpose). And Amanda can tell us a little something about some obvious straight-up horse shit that the British scientific community uncritically gobbled right up because it wanted to believe fucking England was the cradle of life, and let that sink in for a moment before you learn the hoax's name: Piltdown Man! Join us, won't you? Bring a shovel.

This week we spend some time with Koreshan Unity, which has nothing to do with Waco, the ATF, or TV movies starring the guy from "Wings" or, later, Tim Riggins. Although it might be worth debating whether the standoff in Waco would have ended differently if the Earth were hollow, as today's cult insisted it was. We also learn more about "Masquerade," a picture book by Kit Williams that purposely led to an actual real-life treasure hunt ... wait, is that a tornado siren?

Gather 'round, listeners, and hear the story of what happens when dictatorships—sorry, I'm being told the proper name is monarchies—get so far up their own asses they get syphilis and start wars and basically murder literally millions of their own citizens. The Mayerling Incident was a low-key extremely important* example of this brand of royal fuckery, and we are definitely going to hear about it today. And if you're driven into a violent fury by tales like these, and run out and immediately get into a fistfight that ends up violating a number of international laws, don't worry: The French Foreign Legion is alive and well, and still asking few to no questions about how you came to be covered in blood and molasses. Learn more about the group countless early 20th-Century cartoon characters ran off to join approximately every five episodes.*Is "low-key extremely" a thing? Discuss.

Today we squint quizzically at James Bernard Schafer, a teleporting doctor who founded the Royal Fraternity of Master Metaphysicians and set out to raise an immortal baby! Until the baby's mother showed up and wanted her back. Still totally immortal, possibly.* We keep going, though, and end up with a look at “the most famous con man you've never heard of,” except that if you listen to this podcast you've almost certainly heard of him.Meanwhile, you know what's not a transparently fraudulent Depression-era cash grab? Native American languages. You know what's not a great segue? The previous sentence. Anyway, we also learn about Native American code talkers, who during World Wars I and II saved the lives of a whole entire shitload of American GIs by baffling German and Japanese code breakers with a language that had somehow not made inroads into Hitlerton and Tojo's Gated Community. Naturally the U.S. returned the favor once the war was over by giving Native Americans their land back!... I'm being told the U.S. did not give Native Americans their land back.Link! The recently(!) declassified Navajo Code Talker dictionary. 

This week we examine a real insane person and fake books! Lyndon LaRouche ran for president 8 times and was less coherent with each successive run. Though he started out as a semi-Marxist pro-labor kinda guy, he quickly moved squarely into right-wing pro-insane bullshit territory. No matter what, there was always room in his heart for all sorts of old-fashioned racism, anti-semitism, and an undying conviction that Queen Elizabeth II was trying to kill him. Meanwhile, did you know that sometimes books are not what they seem to be? They're not just small objects in your home or files on your electronic reading device—they can also be secret plots by cabals of authors with a fairly hilarious point to prove! Today we thumb through the literary hoaxes Naked Came the Stranger, Atlanta Nights, and I, Libertine.

This week on Madness Madness we're out here lookin' for starters, but all we can see is a bunch of jackoffs. First off we take a surprisingly thought-provoking journey to the '80s and '90s for a look at the Church of the Subgenius, a cult that wasn't actually a cult from the heady days of heavy 'zine-ing! Straight out of Dallas, very close to our home base in central Oklahoma, this one got us right in the Gen-X Nostalgia part of our brains, the part that makes us think about how if we wanted to hang out with people in the '80s and '90s we had to get in a car and drive around to places where we thought people might be. It's a total mind fuck, friends over 40. Next, we ask the question everyone must confront at some point: If a high school doesn't have a building, classes, a field, or a coach, is it strictly ethical to have them play one of the highest-ranked teams in the country on national television? Is it even loosely ethical? You might still remember the memes, folks: It's Bishop Sycamore "high school," a baffling fraud that turns out to be an incredibly depressing reflection of the nation's fundamental racism! A hoot and a holler, I tellya. Join us, won't you?

we're back / from a brief hiatus / time off is a predatory bird, and it ate us //This week we step away from cults for a bit, and look instead at an ongoing mystery and a straight-up conspiracy theory! Oak Island is, as the name suggests, an island! In Canada! With a hole in it! Several holes now, in fact, since about once per generation, some dude (it's always a dude) is absolutely sure he's figured out how to get to the very bottom of it without getting flooded out like literally everyone else who's ever tried. (The hole floods! Did we mention that? It floods.) Truly remarkable, folks. We try to talk these dudes out of it, but it's their hole! It was made for them!Speaking of things that were made for us, apparently there's quite a bit of evidence* that the U.S. Government faked the moon landing! Not only that, lauded film director and Real Piece of Shit Dude Stanley Kubrick did it all, and then felt so guilty about it that he peppered "The Shining" with clues about how the moon landing is fake and he filmed it and now feels bad about it! Don't worry, he never felt bad about abusing Shelley DuVall on the set. On the plus side, Buzz Aldrin definitely didn't feel bad about punching a dude in the face for saying Aldrin lied about walking on the moon, so at least there's that. Join us, won't you?*there is the literal opposite of evidence

Today we learn how to live forever, but for real this time, from People Unlimited Incorporated! (We also take a moment to mourn the death of its founder, Charles Paul Brown, who died in 2014 NO YOU SHUT UP!) Are we ready to spend our immortal lives eating the worst food imaginable? Before we decide, we'll take a look at The Waldorf School, founded by Rudolf Steiner, who dared to ask the question, "What if we did like that Montessori lady but without applying any provable facts at all?" Steiner hated facts, so thank god he started a school. Speaking of school, this week it's book fair! Bring your rolls of pennies, as Amanda is not accepting loose coins. 

We don't have a new episode this week, so please accept Brian's alternate rendition of the Terasem … anthem? from last week's show. The song might be called “Earth Seed” because every line in it has the words “Earth Seed” in it but also seriously who gives a shit. Content Warning: Some really bad white person “rhythm” comes into play and honestly the whole thing never recovers. See you next week! Ricky Williams! 

One of this week's cults is a rare example of a cult not primarily being a financial grift. Terasem's founders are already super fucking rich, and so they're really more interested in your unquestioning allegiance, their own desperate desire to cheat death, and your interest in hanging out with a deeply disturbing AI automaton named BINA48. It's pitted against Access Consciousness, which is a more traditional grift, but one that has a secret star from the wide world of sports! Described as "Scientology Adjacent," where "Adjacent" means "Shitty Clone," Access Consciousness has currently shelled out for paid ads in Google search when you look for "access consciousness cult." Try it! It's pathetic!

This week we're throwin' a party! A POLITICAL party! Under the smug, starfucking veneer of leader Daisaku Ikeida, a Japanese Buddhism rip-offshoot called Soka Gakkai that is also a political party? With like 20% of the vote?!? I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation (there isn't). We're also partying down in an abandoned secretarial school, in Paris! That's thanks to Thierry Tilly, a run-of-the-mill creep who bled a family of French aristocrats dry, and if you're not noting any sadness in this sentence, you're not imagining things. Hon hon! Bread! Also this week we realize our podcast's long lost tag line: "Something to look forward to; and something to do."

I think we can all agree that what we really need in these troubled times are more diploma mills. How else are we gonna get more unlicensed group psychotherapists? THERE IS NO OTHER WAY. The founders of Ganas, which as it happens began as an unaccredited school for group therapy, are entirely with me on this one, and would like to interest you in a completely different, entirely legitimate diploma. But before you accept, two questions: Men, have you ever asked yourself, "Am I denying my sacred manliness by not acting like some horrifying post-pubescent toddler all the fucking time?" Women, have you ever thought, "I sure wish a gross little Boomer twerp from some shithole suburb outside Boston could tell me a lot of dumb fucking garbage about what I'm doing wrong in my relationship!" Boy oh boy, is A. Justin "My real name is Arthur Kasarjian" Sterling the guy you should be burying alive as he kicks his stupid little baby legs in weak protest. Join us, won't you?

There are cults where you skulk around the racist fringes of Southeastern Oklahoma planning terrorist attacks, and cults where the Daughter of God tells you to go out and do crimes so you can all keep staying in luxury hotel suites. Obviously the second kind of cult is way better for everyone, but whatever, we're examining both on today's show! Elohim City's most notable claim to fame is as a stepping stone for Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh, and it's crawling with birds of precisely his feather. Queen Shahima is basically just not into having a day job, and would like to minister to people from really nice hotel suites, and look, all I'm saying is maybe I'd be more open to ministering if I was doing it from the Lieutenant Governor's Suite at the Residence Inn, the really nice one by the highway.