Podcasts about stepfamily ministry

How do you identify narcissism? How do you deal with a narcissist in marriage or co-parenting? Ron Deal talks with counselor Laurel Slade-Waggoner about her personal journey with narcissism and now the professional help she offers to those in a relationship when someone seeks to control, manipulate, shift blame, gaslight, create fear, or act out in other narcissistic ways. Counselor Slade-Waggoner offers an understanding of how narcissism develops, what it looks like in a relationship, and biblical strategies to manage the behavior, particularly in a blended family setting. Waggoner says you don't have to stay stuck in an unhealthy cycle—there is help! Show Notes and Resources Check out Laurel's website and available books. Laurel's Podcast Join us for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Ron's comprehensive list of Recognized Smart Stepfamily Therapy Providers Check out everything FamilyLife Blended has to offer. Send in a tax deductible gift to the FamilyLife Blended Team.

Where can you go to help stepfamilies navigate complexities, foster faith at home, and where dining tables become centers of connection? Wednesday on Mornings with Eric and Brigitte, co-founder of Sawubona Blended Families, Cheryl Shumake joins us to talk about her and her husband's new organization, created to come alongside couples with little to no blended family resources, especially those in black and brown communities. Cheryl will also speak about The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry, a 2-day experience to help equip ministry leaders like you to minister to blended families. Sawubonablendedfamilies.orgSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Does your family have a designated Sabbath? How do you spend that day? Author Kathi Lipp shares with Ron Deal her suggestions for reimagining Christian Sabbath that is a meaningful day with the Lord and one another as you prioritize rest and share a meal together. On Sabbath, we want to focus on who God is and His provision for us as we rest and connect with one another. Lipp suggests that food provides the platform to linger in relationships, and feeding your family shows you care for them. She shares recipes from her new book, Sabbath Soup, and offers ideas on preparing for Sabbath and creating a special day each week. Show Notes and Resources  Watch Women and Blended Families! Join us for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Learn more about Kathi and get her new book: Sabbath Soup Thank you for supporting FamilyLife Blended with a donation!

The intersection of marriage and parenting often creates tension for stepcouples that leads to disagreements and, as a result, slows down relationship building. Listen to Ron Deal and Gayla Grace give valuable input on how to become a parenting team and strengthen your marriage in the process as you cope with common stepfamily dynamics such as: different parenting styles, co-parenting struggles, rejection from stepchildren, stepparent ambiguity, fear of failure, a paralyzed biological parent, a stepparent who oversteps their place, guilt from the past and fear to parent well because of what the children have already walked through, and other challenging dynamics. Show Notes and Resources Register for this year's Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Watch Women and Blended Families Watch: No Threat video Check out Stepparenting with Grace and Building Love Together. The Smart Stepfamily on RightNow Media 

As a blended family couple, it's not uncommon to experience sexual pitfalls that bring additional stress to your relationship. How do you prevent physical intimacy issues and work through those that have shown up? In this episode, Ron Deal and Gayla Grace talk about how to build trust and emotional safety to overcome common pitfalls such as: the comparison trap, fear and insecurity from "ghosts" of marriage past, unlearning old rhythms of sexual practice and learning new ones, and lingering messages from prior sexual experiences that can inhibit healthy physical intimacy in marriage. In addition, you'll understand more about the biblical view of healthy sexuality and why God established boundaries around it. Show Notes and Resources Make plans to join us at the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Check out where Ron will be speaking. Listen to or watch episode 30, 66, or 131. Send a donation and get a copy of The Smart Stepfamily Marriage

Ghosts of marriage past—triggers from past hurt that we carry into a new relationship—are common for blended family couples. But emotional ghosts don't just appear from relationship baggage. We can be triggered by childhood wounds, grief, or other hurts that leave a residue on our heart and create hypersensitivity to getting hurt again. As a result, we guard our heart and resist vulnerability in our relationships. In this episode, Ron Deal speaks with Gayla Grace about how to recognize our ghosts and take responsibility to move past our fears. Ron and Gayla both share ghosts they've wrestled with and how to have conversations with your partner that build trust in your relationship. Show Notes and Resources Register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Get your copy of The Smart Stepfamily Marriage Make a tax dedecutible donation and get a free gift! Watch Women and Blended Families on YouTube Call and leave a message with your podcast suggestions: 407-826-2606

How do we help kids who are struggling with addictive behaviors such as pornography, drinking, drugging, video game addiction, or others? In this episode, Ron Deal speaks with Dr Adrian Hickmon, founder of Capstone Treatment Center, about the best approach, particularly for blended families. Hickmon says it starts by understanding the pain and void in the child's life and using your influence as a parent and stepparent to impact their behavior. He explains the value of creating deeper attachments and practicing healthy boundaries in a way that provides the connection and motivation a child needs to make changes in their life. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. Learn about Capstone. Watch the Brain, Heart, World documentary. Get In Their Shoes with any gift amount! Email us a review or a comment! blended@familylife.com

Stepparenting myths have been around a long time, and they can negatively impact stepparents if not understood well. Although there might be some truth to them, the non-truth messages create tension and confusion for us. Ron Deal talks with Gayla Grace about how to sort through the reality and false messages of myths such as: All stepmothers are wicked and all stepfathers are abusive, stepparents can easily take on a high parental role, stepfamilies can behave as traditional families, we will love biological and stepchildren the same, and if you call them "my children," they will like being your children. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. Get a copy of In Their Shoes for a gift of any amount! Check out books and resources for Blended Families! Email us a review or a comment! blended@familylife.com

After losing her husband in a tragic accident, Sabrina McDonald looked forward to her young kids having a dad again. But she wasn't prepared for the challenges that followed. Her kids felt threatened by her new spouse and competed for her attention. Her dream of being part of a family again didn't happen quickly. And stepparenting felt awkward and unfamiliar in the beginning. In this episode, Sabrina shares her lessons of love and loss with Ron Deal and how God met her in the wilderness, showed her that brokenness didn't mean ugliness, and encouraged her to keep going despite her fears and uncertainty about the future. Today, she rejoices to have found familyness again after remarriage. Show Notes and Resources Get your copy of A Home Built from Love and Loss. Learn about Sabrina. Donate and receive the book: The Smart Stepdad!  Learn about The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry!  Leave us a voicemail with a review! 407-826-2606

Growing up blended often includes hard transitions and isolation for those involved. But Marshall West's story is different. He shares with Ron Deal the beauty of God's provision for two families coming together after loss, giving him a dad he never had and two brothers who were never considered “step.” Marshall was 12 when his mom married his stepdad, a pivotal point for him. Marshall had been praying to have brothers join his family, and his stepdad had been praying for a Mom for his two boys. Marshall credits the Lord and His goodness for bringing two broken things together and creating a family. Show Notes and Resources Get the donor premium gift! Events and resources for you. Join us for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! Watch Women and Blended Families on You Tube

God understands broken people. He sent His son to die for us. Even when we feel beyond help, He meets us where we are, He loves us, and He redeems us. He sent the Holy Spirit to be our counselor and our guide. In our messiness, God wants to use our stories and our brokenness to minister to others. Show Notes and Resources Get The Smart Stepfamily as your free gift when you donate to FamilyLife Blended. Get the Blended and Blessed All-Acess Digital Pass Learn more about resources for blended families. More info for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry in October. Email us your podcast show suggestions!

When we blend two families, what's the goal and how do we get there? Do we focus more on parenting or our marriage? Do I parent my stepchild or build a relationship first? How do we manage a difficult former spouse? Ron Deal answers these questions and more about the critical tasks of parenting in a blended family. Show Notes and Resources You still have time to join the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry! The Online Certificate in Blended Family Ministry Get monthly encouragement for your blended family FamilyLife Blended Resources Get the Summit All-Access Digital Pass Email us your questions at blendedquestions@familylife.com

Being a stepfather can feel like bathing cats with your hair on fire—but your thoughtful navigation of the dynamics in your home can make a difference that lasts for decades. Author Gil Stuart offers tips on stepfathering thoughtfully, and shaping the kind of family you all long for. We are the one with the influence. Are we going to use it for good or for evil? I mean, when you think about what the Scripture says: “The power of the tongue is for life or for death.” So, what are we saying? Is it going to bring life, or is it going to bring death to the stepfamily environment? What a place for a hero to step up!  - Gil Stuart Show Notes and Resources The Summit on StepFamily Ministry; Find out how you and your church can minister to blended families at summitonstepfamilies.com Listen to the full episode here: Unsung Heroes Discover more resources on our shop and listen to more on the FamilyLife Blended podcast Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com. See resources from our past podcasts. Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife's app! Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Stepdad: It can be a role full of landmines--and at the same time, a role vital and unsung. Author Gil Stuart offers ideas to do it wholeheartedly and all-in within the complexities of your blended family. Reverse betrayal is the aspect that I have a loyalty to my own children, who I don't get to see as much because of the parenting plan, and in that time, I'm actually connecting with my stepchildren. I'm actually starting to like them, and they're starting to bond with me. In so doing, I actually feel like I'm betraying my own children. -- Gil Stuart Show Notes and Resources The Summit on StepFamily Ministry; Find out how you and your church can minister to blended families at summitonstepfamilies.com Listen to the full episode here: Unsung Heroes Discover more resources on our shop and listen to more on the FamilyLife Blended podcast Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com. See resources from our past podcasts. Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife's app! Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Do you have wounds from a previous relationship that you carried into your new family? We call these ghosts of marriage past. Unresolved residue also happens with our kids and affects our ability to form trust and intimacy with others. Ron Deal speaks with Moe and Paige Becnel about how to wrestle with our ghosts and lessen their power. Show Notes and Resources The Smart Stepfamily online series More about the Becnels and their book Join this year's VIRTUAL Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. Add your blended small group on the searchable map. Make a tax deductible gift. Ask a question and submit a review at blendedquestions@familylife.com or call 407-826-2606.

Join Dave and Ann Wilson as they discuss the impact of parents on teenage girls' fashion choices in a conversation with Ron Deal and clips from an episode featuring Dr. Meg Meeker. They delve into the influence of mothers and fathers, the challenges faced by stepdads, and the importance of helping kids develop a healthy sexual identity in today's toxic culture. Show Notes and Resources Connect with Meg Meeker and catch more of her thoughts at MeekerParenting.com Find her on social media on Insta, Twitter, and Facebook @megmeekermd. Intrigued by today's episode? Think deeper about culture and parenting in her FamilyLife Blended episode, Raising Kids in a Toxic Culture, or any of her FamilyLife Today episodes. Join us for The 2023Summit on Stepfamily Ministry summitonstepfamilies.com Find resources from this podcast at shop.familylife.com. See resources from our past podcasts. Find more content and resources on the FamilyLife's app! Help others find FamilyLife. Leave a review on Apple Podcast or Spotify. Check out all the FamilyLife podcasts on the FamilyLife Podcast Network

Former NFL player Jeff Kemp has spent decades connecting with men. He understands the common struggles which include insecurity, comparison, and shame. He shares with Ron Deal how men can best cope by understanding their identity in our Father God, and why healthy male friendships are valuable in everyday life. Show Notes and Resources Get Jeff Kemp's Men Huddle Playbook Online Certificate course in Blended Family Ministry Tips to a deeper friendship Easy steps to friendship and huddling The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed Make a tax deductible donation. Call with your question: 407-826-2606, email a podcast topic suggestion: blendedquestions@familylife.com The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry

Do you struggle with 2nd wife syndrome? Are you confused with your role and often feel you can't measure up to the expectations? Ron Deal speaks with Bill and Jen Rogers on the valuable role stepmoms play and offers encouragement and pro tips for those stuck in the trenches. Show Notes and Resources Free download: Top 10 Pro tips Jen's Bold and Blended podcast Read: The Smart Stepmom Attend The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry virtually! Find a small group or add your group to the Blended ministry map. Set sail with on the Love Like You Mean It cruise! Thank you for making a gift to FamilyLife Blended.

Would you consider joining our mission to serve blended families as a volunteer or affiliate staff with FamilyLife Blended? Listen to Ron Deal and four couples share about why and how they minister to stepcouples and the blessings they receive in return. Show Notes and Resources Find a Stepfamily Event or Small Group. Learn more about FamilyLife. Support this podcast with a donation. Learn more about Summit on Stepfamily Ministry and how to buy the all access pass. Get your Certificate in Blended ministry through this online course. Do you have a question about this episode? Email blendedquestions@familylife.com or call 407-826-2606.

Are you in the early years of blending a family and you wonder if life will ever get easier? Listen to Ron Deal & Gayla Grace talk about the honeymoon season that often follows the hard relationship-building years and the rewards that come as familyness begins. Show Notes and Resources Look for a blended small group happening in your area. Get a copy of The Smart Stepfamily. Your gift will be matched dollar for dollar! Information on The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

The pastors' wives kick off their “Share Your Story” series with their friend, Tanisha Merrell. Tanisha has come through quite a journey in her blended family, and she loves talking about it. Being a divorced pastor can stir up quite the controversy, but she and her husband have learned a lot about how to honor each other's stories and how God can use each of us to serve Him and point others to Jesus, no matter what our pasts hold. Resources Tanisha suggests for anyone with a heart for blended family or divorce care ministry or for anyone in a remarriage/blended family situation: Books: The Smart Stepfamily -- Ron Deal The Smart Stepmom -- Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge The Smart Stepdad -- Ron Deal In Their Shoes -- Lauren Reitsema Preparing to Blend -- Ron Deal Divorce & Remarriage – Rubel Shelly (HIGHLY recommend for anyone with questions regarding what the Bible says about divorce and remarriage) Social Media: Instagram - @familylifeblended Facebook - FamilyLife Blended Event: The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.   To shop the new line of merch, head here: https://pastorswivestellall.com/shop Want to support the Pastors' Wives Tell All podcast ministry? Become a patron! For more information head to our page on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/pastorswivestellall SUBSCRIBE: Sign up for our email list and receive updates on new episodes, free gifts, and all the fun! Email sign up HERE! CONTACT US: pastorswivestellall@gmail.com FOLLOW US! Website IG: @pastorswivestellall Facebook: @pastorswivestellall JESSICA: @jessica_taylor_83   IG: @come_away_missions || FB: Come Away Missions IG: @copomarket || FB: COPO Market Websites: COPO Market, Come Away Missions JENNA: @jennaallen FB: @JennaAllenDesign Website: Jenna Allen Design STEPHANIE: @msstephaniegilbert FB: I Literally LOL Website: Stephanie Gilbert - I Literally LOL

Is God calling you to minister to blended families, but you feel inadequate? We have a solution! Listen to Ron Deal explain how to earn an online ministry certificate as you glean from blended family experts with 7 hours of engaging video content, thoughtful handouts to help you reflect and apply, and bonus resources to use again and again. Show Notes and Resources The Certificate in Blended Family Ministry online course. Get your copy of The Smart Stepfamily. Send a donation. Send in a topic or question you want us to address. The Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Join Cheryl and Ron Deal as they chat about overcoming territory wars in blended families. If you are struggling in an us vs. them dynamic in your home, you will want to listen in. Link to Purchase Books Mentioned in Podcast Episode: Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Waiting to Be Wanted: A Stepmom's Guide to Loving Before Being Loved Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning Building Love Together in Blended Families: The 5 Love Languages and Becoming Stepfamily Smart In the words of Family Life Blended: "If you want to be a catalyst and effect change in your church and community come join a growing movement of leaders ministering to stepfamilies." Check out the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry for additional information or to register! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

Our bonus episode offers another question and answer format with Ron Deal and Gayla Grace to address those hard-to-navigate circumstances in your blended family with solutions that offer nuggets of wisdom and practical suggestions. Show Notes and Resources Find a therapy provider. Get Smart Stepfamily resources Check out all FamilyLife Blended has to offer. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Do you have stepfamily questions for the experts? We have answers! Listen to Ron Deal and Gayla Grace discuss everyday issues that frequently show up in blended family homes—along with practical solutions—to help you find harmony in your relationships. Show Notes and Resources Get Smart Stepfamily resources Check out all FamilyLife Blended has to offer. Support FamilyLife Blended Check out ministries in your area on our searchable map. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Do you struggle to find unity as a couple or need help setting boundaries with an ex-spouse and co-parenting successfully? Or maybe you could use a few tips on navigating the teen years with your stepdaughters. Listen to Ron Deal's conversation with Kirk McGregor on these common stepfamily topics & more. Show Notes and Resources Get Smart Stepfamily resources Check out all FamilyLife Blended has to offer. Support FamilyLife Blended Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Veteran stepcouples have a wealth of knowledge on best practices for stepfamilies. Listen to Ron Deal's conversation with Sandi Patty and Don Peslis, married in 1995 with a blended family of 8 children, on wise solutions to challenges like: managing the visitation schedule after high school, forming good relationships with stepsiblings, pros and cons of an "ours" child, and other common issues stepfamilies face. Show Notes and Resources Check out our audio resources, videos, books, and virtual and live conferences Get Smart Stepfamily resources Support FamilyLife Blended Episode 70: Having an Ours Baby Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Do you need help growing unity and building character in your stepfamily? Our convenient online course, Well-Blended, can help! Listen to Ron Deal and Dave & Ann Wilson talk about how it can help you build robust, resilient relationships in the unique mash up that is your family. Show Notes and Resources Show Notes and Resources Get the Well-Blended online course. Thank you for supporting us! Please leave us a voicemail review (407-826-2606) or email it to us! Learn more about all of FamilyLife Blended's resources. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.

Are you steering your kids toward Christ while the other home is steering them toward the world? Ron Deal talks with Kara Powell and Gayla Grace about how to manage bi-polar value differences between homes and how to understand and answer the three important questions every teenager is asking. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Fuller Youth Institute and Kara's new book, 3 Big Questions That Change Every Teenager Learn more about Gayla Grace. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. You can support the FamilyLife Blended podcast. Please call and leave us a message or send us an email with your questions!

When remarriage happens after the death of a spouse, the stepcouple faces unique and hard-to-navigate circumstances related to grief and leftover feelings from those experiences. Ron Deal talks with Bill and Evelyn Thompson, who both lost their spouses prior to remarriage, on how to blend a stepfamily after death and what they wish they'd done differently in their early years of dating and remarriage. Show Notes and Resources Episode 17: Grief and the Blended Family Please leave us a message at 407-826-2606! Or send us an email Listen to Bill & Evelyn on FamilyLife Today. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. You can support the FamilyLife Blended podcast

Critical relationship skills are needed in every important relationship, especially in stepfamily life. In this episode, Ron Deal talks with a dynamic mother-daughter duo, Joneen Mackenie and Laueren Reitsema, on gaining a larger toolbox of wisdom and skills for strengthening relationships. Show Notes and Resources Learn about My Relationship Center Get a copy of Relationship Essentials Find a blended family small group or event near you. Find a counselor near you Get your Certificate in Blended Family Ministry You can support the FamilyLife Blended podcast Summit on Stepfamily Ministry

Stepdads take on a heroic challenge as they parent someone else's child, which often includes frustration and defeat. Stepdad Gil Stuart talks with Ron Deal about his video series, Unsung Heroes, which captures the value of vulnerability, courage, and humility in forming lasting relationships as a stepdad. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Gil Stuart and Restored and Remarried Find a counselor near you Unsung Heroes Series: Encouragement for Dads in a Stepfamily Please call and leave us a message! 407-826-2606 Or send us an email. Check out all FamilyLife Blended has to offer. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry

JoshAndKristyGroce.com What. A. Conference!!! Join us on this episode as we discuss some of our biggest take-aways from this years Summit! We learned so much and we have so much to share, you don't want to miss this fantastic episode! #StepFamilySummit #PerfectlyBlended

Pro baseball player Darryl Strawberry has experienced fame, fortune, and notoriety. But he's also walked through addiction, divorce, and anguish. Today, he's far more interested in talking about Jesus than baseball as he and his wife Tracy, parents of 9 kids in their blended family, share with Ron Deal about the importance of keeping Jesus at the center to find healing and redemption. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Tracy and Darryl Strawberry. https://findingyourway.com/. Get Ron's new book, Preparing to Blend. https://shop.familylife.com/p-6133-preparing-to-blend.aspx. Watch Ron's interview with Darryl and Tracy Strawberry on YouTube. https://youtu.be/wVjLxb86dOs. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended.

Special days give families an opportunity to honor each other, celebrate one another, and strengthen their identity as a stepfamily. Ron Deal and his guests present ideas on how to creatively take advantage of your family calendar in ways that will strengthen family relationships throughout the year. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Listen to episode 21: Stepfamilies and The Holidays https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/21-stepfamilies-and-the-holidays/. Get Ron's newest book: Preparing to Blend. https://shop.familylife.com/p-6133-preparing-to-blend.aspx. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/.

Sometimes in stepfamilies, we take things out on each other that really are about someone or something from the past. We have something to say to a parent from the past, but instead fight that battle with a child—or spouse—in our present. Listen to Ron Deal talk with Shelby Abbott on how to keep unresolved issues of the past from damaging relationships in the present. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Shelby Abbott. https://shelbyabbott.com/. Get Shelby's books. https://shop.familylife.com/search.aspx?ProductType=Product&SearchType=Any&SearchText=Shelby+Abbot#results. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/. Listen to other Growing up in a Blender episodes: 51: Growing up in a Blender: Play the Long Game with Jim Ramos – https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/51-growing-up-in-a-blender-play-the-long-game/ 43: Growing Up in a Blender: Who's my Daddy? with Ray and Robin McKelvy – https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/43-growing-up-in-a-blender-whos-my-daddy/ 28: Growing up in a Blender with Ryan Guinee and David Bowden – https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/28-growing-up-in-a-blender/ Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Get blended family resources. https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=171.

The end of your marriage doesn't mean the end of God's favor. But when you're in ministry, it can feel that way. Drs. Bobby & Janice Love speak with Ron Deal about how to manage the spotlight of ministry and the pressure that follows when you walk through divorce and remarriage, offering personal stories and suggestions to help. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Rev. Dr. Bobby and Dr. Janice Love. http://www.stepwithlove.org. Get Dr. Janice's book, One Plus One Equals Ten: A First Lady's Survival Guide for Stepmoms. https://www.amazon.com/One-Plus-Equals-Ten-Survival/dp/0615695388/. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Get downloadable tip sheets for ministering to blended families. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/resources/. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/.

What does the Bible teach about divorce and remarriage? How do we consider Truth and Grace when we apply it to God's people? Listen to Ron Deal's conversation with Dr. Rubel Shelly on a subject that's hard to understand in Scripture and often disagreed upon in Christian circles. Show Notes and Resources Get Dr. Rubel Shelly's book, Divorce & Remarriage: A Redemptive Theology. https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remarriage-Redemptive-Rubel-Shelly/dp/0891123628. Read Ron's article, "Loving Mercy." https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/blended-family/loving-mercy-a-theological-basis-for-blended-family-ministry/. Get the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry Digital All-Access Pass. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5938-all-access-pass-summit-2020.aspx. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Get downloadable marriage ministry tip sheets. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/resources/. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/.

Stepparenting is a marathon, not a sprint. And getting to the finish line with strong relationships requires a lot of grace, personal strength, and wisdom as you accommodate people's grief and feelings along the way. Listen to Ron Deal talk with Jere and Laurie Short on this important topic. Show Notes and Resources 60: Grace-filled Stepparenting https://laurieshort.com/. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Check out Laurie on the Blended & Blessed All-Access Pass https://shop.familylife.com/search.aspx?searchterm=Blended+%26+Blessed&searchtype=Any. Drop us an email and let us know what you would like to hear on future podcasts or send us a review. blendedquestions@familylife.com. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Pre-order Ron's new book Preparing to Blend https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Blend-Couples-Becoming-Stepfamily/dp/0764237934/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=preparing+to+blend&qid=1622129394&sr=8-2.

Little things can create big changes in blended family homes. In this episode, Jed and Jenny Jurchenko share with Ron Deal how they created positive change in their home by taking small, positive steps to grow their most important relationships and give examples in their book, 131 Conversations for Stepfamily Success. Show Notes and Resources Get your copy of Jed and Jenny's book. https://www.amazon.com/131-Conversations-Stepfamily-Success-Intimacy/dp/1543236731. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Get Ron's book, Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5224-daily-encouragement-for-the-smart-stepfamily.aspx. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/.

We could spend 1/3 of our lives without a paycheck since it's expected we can live into our mid-80's and beyond. How do we know if we're preparing adequately for retirement? Ron Deal talks with financial planner Greg Pettys on this topic and how to account for blended family variables. Show Notes and Resources Get your copy of The Smart Stepdad https://shop.familylife.com/p-5664-the-smart-stepfamily-guide-to-financial-planning.aspx. Listen to Ron and Greg's other podcast: "Financing Togetherness in Blended Families" https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/19-financing-togetherness-in-blended-families/ Get the free download, 10 Tips to Avoid Money Drama and Plan Your Blended Family Future. http://www.blendedfamilyfinances.com Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/ Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended .

How do you know if you're ready to be a stepdad? Ron Deal gives insight into the stepdad role as he talks with Bob Lepine and Dennis Rainey about this important position that can be daunting, but rewarding. Listen to his encouragement about the realities of being a stepdad and the value of stepping out in faith and relying on God's wisdom when ready to take the risk. Show Notes and Resources Get your copy of the Smart Stepdad. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5666-the-smart-stepdad.aspx. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/blended-families/. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/.

Blended families that form when children are in their late teens or adult years are adult stepfamilies. We often mistakenly think these families have few adjustments to make. Listen to Ron Deal's conversation with Terry & Carol Moss, Brandon Moss, and Nina Thomas on how they've navigated multiple transitions in their adult stepfamily. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about blended family resources. https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=171. Learn more about FamilyLife Blended's annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/. Learn more about Terry & Carol and their ministry, One Flesh Ministries. https://www.onefleshministries.info/. Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/blended/?cru_source=D000BLENDG&cru_medium=DesktopHeaderNav&cru_campaign=Blended. Check out the stepfamily ministry map. http://www.familylife.com/blendedmap.

Conversations about money and inheritances can be uncomfortable. But wouldn't it be better to talk about it with family members while you can, rather than to leave it to the state to decide after you're gone? Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended, walks through different scenarios, and gives suggestions about how to make wise money decisions. Show Notes and Resources Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=130. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry event.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Download FamilyLife's new app! https://www.familylife.com/app/ Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/

You can tell a lot about what a person values by the choices they make with money. Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended, says finances and personal values are especially complicated in blended families. Ron urges couples thinking about blending a family, to plan, plan, plan, for your financial future together. He lists practical tools to help make asset management easier. Show Notes and Resources Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=130. Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry event.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Download FamilyLife's new app! https://www.familylife.com/app/ Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/

It's challenging enough to start a blended family. But when the cause of the blended family are shame and guilt, it adds an additional layer of emotional baggage. Sandi Patty and her husband, Don Peslis, tell their story to Ron Deal about how God has redeemed even their mistakes for His glory. Show Notes and Resources Sandi Patty and Don Peslis share how brokenness was a starting point for their relationship and how God has redeemed their story beyond broken on the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast https://www.familylife.com/podcast/familylife-blended-podcast/27-beyond-broken/ Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry event.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=95. Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/ Have the FamilyLife Today® podcast and resources helped you?  Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/legacy

For most of us, grandparents are fabulous! They are the adults who love us, but don't have to discipline us, and because they don't have to take us home, relish the chance to spoil us. Stepgrandparenting can be all that if everyone agrees that it can-and everyone wants it to happen. Listen in on this episode while Ron Deal talks with Gordon and Carrie Taylor about the unique aspects of grandparenting in blended families. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Gordon and Carri Taylor's ministry Opportunities Unlimited.  http://www.cgtaylor.com/ Read about stepgrandparenting and how to bring the outsider in. https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/special-topics/stepgrandparenting-bringing-the-outsider-in Learn more about blended family resources. https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=171 Learn more about the Legacy Coalition. https://legacycoalition.com/ Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

Whatever we invest ourselves on a regular basis-our habits-not only become commonplace, but actually shape our decisions and our relationships. What are the habits-the daily practices-of your marriage? And how can they make your blended family marriage stronger? In this episode, Ron Deal talks with marriage and family therapist and stepfamily coach, Jayna Haney, and her husband Mike about intentional daily habits that have strengthened their marriage and stepfamily relationships over time. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Mike and Jayna Haney. https://www.thebridgeacross.com Check out Jayna's blog. https://www.jaynahaney.com/2020/05/15/feeling-left-out-make-more-time-with-your-spouse/ The Smart Stepfamily Marriage by Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-4114-the-smart-stepfamily-marriage.aspx Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

Parents, stepparents and school representatives (teachers, counselors, and administrators) all play a role in helping school-home relationships thrive. But not everyone knows how to play that role. Ron Deal is joined by school counselor Allison Weatter, principal Steven Helmick, and teacher Nan Deal, along with stepmom and author Gayla Grace, for a panel discussion on this important subject. As a parent or stepparent, how can you help teachers understand your unique stepfamily dynamics and relate to your child better? As a teacher or school counselor, how can you better advocate for and look out for your students who live in stepfamily or single parent homes? Kids wear different backpacks to school with baggage they're carrying from life experiences. Listen in for some great ideas on how to help lighten their load as a parent, stepparent, or school representative. Show Notes and Resources Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

Stepfamily life often includes a variety of crises, some big, many small. How do you effectively manage those crises and come out on the other side with connected relationships and renewed commitment? Crisis counselor Jennifer Ellers became a stepmom and had to survive her own crisis of expectation. She and her husband, Kevin, join Ron Deal in this episode and offer tips and tools they've learned from their years in a stepfamily. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Kevin and Jennifer Ellers.  http://institute4compassionatecare.com/ and http://www.crisisresponse.org/Our-Instructors/ International Critical Incident Stress Foundation. https://icisf.org/ellers-m-a-jennifer/ ARTICLE: Coaching for Resilience: An Interview with Jennifer. (8 min. read) https://www.aacc.net/2017/09/20/coaching-for-resilience-an-interview-with-jennifer-cisney-ellers/ Blended Family Ministry Map. https://www.familylife.com/familylifeblended/find-an-event/ Find stepfamily resources in the online store. https://shop.familylife.com/products.aspx?categoryid=171&page=1&pagesize=all Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/

As a second wife or husband, have you ever felt second best? Or treated as second class by others? How can you be first in your spouse's heart when you're not the ONLY? In this episode, Ron Deal talks with Lore Ferguson Wilbert about how to combat your insecurities that naturally arise in second marriages. Perhaps there's a lack of trust, shame, or feelings of competition with your partner's former spouse. Whatever the reason, insecurities dissipate when we look to God as our source of love for our identity. We can respond from His wellspring of love even in the midst of hard emotions, offering compassion for our spouse instead of competition with someone who isn't even in the picture anymore. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Lore Wilbert at Sayable.net. ARTICLE: Second Wife, Second Life. (8 min. read)  https://www.fathommag.com/stories/second-wife-second-life Handle With Care by Lore Wilbert.  https://www.handlewithcarebook.com/ Dating and The Single Parent by Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-2487-dating-and-the-single-parent.aspx Building Love Together in Blended Families by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5763-building-love-together-in-blended-families.aspx Daily Encouragement for The Smart Stepfamily by Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5224-daily-encouragement-for-the-smart-stepfamily.aspx Learn more about the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/

Are you looking for support for the unique dynamics and challenges that stepfamily life brings? Have you wondered where you can go to get help? Then this episode is for you! Ron Deal talks with Gil and Brenda on how to find a church that will support you as a stepcouple, how to know if you need counseling and where to go, and what to do if not everyone is willing to go. It might be as simple as attending a small group at your church with other couples on a similar journey. But you must commit to go! Listen in as Ron talks with Gil and Brenda about the value of finding the right support for your stepfamily and your part in making it happen. · Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ · How to Find a Competent Christian Stepfamily Therapist. https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/sharing-hope-finding-help/how-to-find-a-competent-christian-stepfamily-therapist · Trusted Counselor List https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-therapy-intensives · Encouragement for the couples in a stepfamily. https://gilandbrenda.com/restored-remarried/   · Building Love Together in Blended Families by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5763-building-love-together-in-blended-families.aspx   Counselor/Coach, Husband/Wife Team, Marriage Illustrators and Encouragers   #gilandbrenda #tipstoolsandtingles #conflictresolution #gilandbrenda #marriagehelp #marriage #investinyourmarriage #remarriagehelp #friendshipinmarriage #marriagecounselor #marriagecoach #husbandandwifeteam #RestoredandRemarried #remarried #remarriage #stepfamily #stepmom #stepdad #stepmother #stepfather #stepparent #stepparenting #stepchild #blendedfamily #marriagehelp #conflictresolution #parenting #remarriagehelp #stepfamilyhelp #blendedfamilyhelp #remarriageadvice #marriagepodcast #stepfamilypodcast #blendedfamilypodcast #remarriagepodcast www.gilandbrenda.com hello@gilandbrenda.com Find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube Twitter Instagram Facebook YouTube  

Are you looking for support for the unique dynamics and challenges that stepfamily life brings? Have you wondered where you can go to get help? Then this episode is for you! Ron Deal talks with Gil and Brenda on how to find a church that will support you as a stepcouple, how to know if you need counseling and where to go, and what to do if not everyone is willing to go. It might be as simple as attending a small group at your church with other couples on a similar journey. But you must commit to go! Listen in as Ron talks with Gil and Brenda about the value of finding the right support for your stepfamily and your part in making it happen. · Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ · How to Find a Competent Christian Stepfamily Therapist. https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/sharing-hope-finding-help/how-to-find-a-competent-christian-stepfamily-therapist · Trusted Counselor List https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-therapy-intensives · Encouragement for the couples in a stepfamily. https://gilandbrenda.com/restored-remarried/   · Building Love Together in Blended Families by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5763-building-love-together-in-blended-families.aspx   Counselor/Coach, Husband/Wife Team, Marriage Illustrators and Encouragers   #gilandbrenda #tipstoolsandtingles #conflictresolution #gilandbrenda #marriagehelp #marriage #investinyourmarriage #remarriagehelp #friendshipinmarriage #marriagecounselor #marriagecoach #husbandandwifeteam #RestoredandRemarried #remarried #remarriage #stepfamily #stepmom #stepdad #stepmother #stepfather #stepparent #stepparenting #stepchild #blendedfamily #marriagehelp #conflictresolution #parenting #remarriagehelp #stepfamilyhelp #blendedfamilyhelp #remarriageadvice #marriagepodcast #stepfamilypodcast #blendedfamilypodcast #remarriagepodcast www.gilandbrenda.com hello@gilandbrenda.com Find us on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube Twitter Instagram Facebook YouTube  

Are you looking for support for the unique dynamics and challenges that stepfamily life brings? Have you wondered where you can go to get help? Then this episode is for you! Ron Deal talks with Gil and Brenda Stuart on how to find a church that will support you as a stepcouple, how to know if you need counseling and where to go, and what to do if not everyone is willing to go. It might be as simple as attending a small group at your church with other couples on a similar journey. But you must commit to go! Listen in as we talk about the value of finding the right support for your stepfamily and your part in making it happen. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Gil and Brenda Stuart. https://gilandbrenda.com/ Blended Family Ministry Map. https://www.familylife.com/blendedmap Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ How to Find a Competent Christian Stepfamily Therapist. https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/sharing-hope-finding-help/how-to-find-a-competent-christian-stepfamily-therapist Trusted Counselor List https://smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/marriage-therapy-intensives Encouragement for the couples in a stepfamily. https://gilandbrenda.com/restored-remarried/ Building Love Together in Blended Families by Dr. Gary Chapman and Ron Deal.  https://shop.familylife.com/p-5763-building-love-together-in-blended-families.aspx

Blending a family isn't easy, but it's definitely worth it. Blended family expert Ron Deal reminds couples that their marriage must be a priority if the marriage is going to thrive. Each couple is called to leave and cleave, which means a couple must shift their allegiance from their children to each other. There will always be seasons when children's needs will have to come ahead of other things, but a husband and wife need to put each other first to maintain a healthy marriage. Hear one young woman share what it's like to be a stepdaughter. Show Notes and Resources To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=95. Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/ Have the FamilyLife Today® podcast and resources helped you?  Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/legacy

FamilyLife Blended director Ron Deal explains that marriage, while typically a two-person dance, gets complicated as couples try to manage all the lives around them. Deal talks about feeling isolated in a marriage, something spouses sometimes admit as they try to find their place in the blended family. He encourages couples to hold onto God's hand and never give up. Show Notes and Resources To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=95. Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/ Have the FamilyLife Today® podcast and resources helped you?  Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/legacy

Ron Deal, director of FamilyLife Blended, talks with Dave and Ann Wilson about the new content in his Smart Stepfamilies video series. Deal explains how couples often get blindsided when trying to blend two families and gives some practical advice for interacting with stepchildren. He reminds listeners to address any family issues right away, because those same issues often become marital issues. Show Notes and Resources To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Find resources from this podcast at https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryid=95. Check out all that's available on the FamilyLife Podcast Network.  https://www.familylife.com/familylife-podcast-network/ Have the FamilyLife Today® podcast and resources helped you?  Consider becoming a Legacy Partner, a monthly supporter of FamilyLife. https://www.familylife.com/legacy

If you've ever had frustrations dealing with between-parenting issues, today's conversation will provide you practical help. We're going to wrestle with the every day hiccups of co-parenting and the stressful, ultra frustrating challenge of dealing with a difficult former spouse. Healthy co-parenting truly works. Jay and Tammy Daughtry talk with Ron Deal about how they have thrived in this area and how you can do the same. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Jay and Tammy Daughtry's ministry http://modernfamilydynamics.com/ Co-Parenting Works! by Tammy Daughtry https://coparentinginternational.com/resources?olsPage=products%2Fco-parenting One Heart, Two Homes Digital Resource https://coparentinginternational.com/resources?olsPage=products%2Fhome-study Cooperative Co-Parenting article https://www.smartstepfamilies.com/smart-help/learn/ex-spouses-co-parenting-multiple-home-realities/cooperative-co-parenting Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat Guest:                         Ron Deal                               From the series:       Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat  Bob: In a single parent family, it's not uncommon for a child to sit in the passenger seat while mom or dad are driving. When mom or dad get remarried, and now there's someone new in the family, that child may not like the idea that their seat in the car has been taken over. Ron Deal says we need to be aware of that and help those kids adjust to the new normal. Ron: Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What's going on for a kid? Well, sometimes they just want to ride in the front and they want what they want, but also there is: “I've been through some really rough stuff. I've lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,”—a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce—“I don't want to go through another one of those things.”  They are hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they've seen it happen already in their home. 1:00 Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, August 27th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, and I'm Bob Lepine. We're going to talk today about strategies to help step-parents help their children adjust to the new normal of a stepfamily. Stay with us. And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. One of the key principles that we try to drive home in FamilyLife's Art of Parenting™ video series, and something that you and Barbara wrote about in your book, The Art of Parenting, is that, in a family, the marriage relationship has got to be the priority relationship. For the sake of the kids—  Dennis: Right. Bob: —it's got to be the priority relationship. That's true in an intact family. That has some unique challenges that come along with it if you're dealing with a blended family. Dennis: Yes. One of the biggest arguments we used to have with our kids, on our way to school, was who sat in the front seat—[Laughter]— 2:00 —who got the front seat with daddy. You know, when mom is in the car with me— Ron: Is there any debate at that point? Dennis: —there is—there was never a debate; because they knew that next to daddy's heart was mama. [Laughter] Bob: And by the way, that is our friend, Ron Deal, who joins us today on FamilyLife Today. Ron gives leadership to FamilyLife Blended® and appears here, from time to time, when we're talking about blended family relationships. Glad to have you here. Ron: Thank you. Dennis: And it's different in blended families. Bob: Yes. Ron: Think about your scenario—when mom gets in the car, there's no question—mom's in the front seat; everybody knows it. Now, one of your kids may go, “Ah, it's my turn; but okay, I kind of understand mom rightly belongs in the front seat.” Dennis: There is no discussion! Ron: There's no discussion; there's no debate.  But what if the storyline had been—they take their turns riding in the front seat, and there is no mother in the picture; you're a single dad. The kids ride in the front; everybody has their turn—they belong there.  3:00 Then you go and marry somebody, and now it's her that rides in the front seat. How do your kids react to that? Bob: What had been their territory/their spot—they've just been displaced. We may think, “Well, that's not a big deal”; but that represents something. I mean, we're using it as a big deal about where mom sits in the car. This represents something about the order of the family that can be very threatening to stepkids. Ron: I have to say—one of our most popular articles on FamilyLife.com, in the blended family section, is an article that is exactly about riding in the front seat. In fact, it's called “Putting Your Spouse in the Front Seat.” I write about this, at length, in two of my books: The Smart Stepfamily and The Smart Stepfamily Marriage. Why?—because we have learned this is such a critical dynamic to get right for your blended family to do well. Bob: Ron, I was just recently at a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway, talking to a couple in crisis. They weren't sure they could make their marriage work—blended situation.  4:00 She brought kids into the marriage; he didn't have any kids from any previous relationships. We were having this conversation. I said to her: “I understand that you feel guilt and shame. You feel responsible for the loss you're kids have experienced. You want to do anything you can to try to make sure you're making up for what you brought into your children's lives. So, at times, you prioritize them ahead of your husband just because, emotionally, you're thinking, ‘I've put them through so much. I've got to sacrifice him for their sake.'”  That's the impulse a parent feels. Explain why that's a wrong impulse—not a wrong impulse—but why giving into it is a wrong response. Ron: That's a very well-worded question, and it's important to the answer. The impulse is understandable.  5:00 Of course, you're concerned about your children—as I would say to this woman: “Your mom heart is very deeply concerned about their well-being. They have been through a lot. You do see the pain in their eyes from the past. You don't want to see more pain in the present, so you want to take care of them and diminish that; so that means putting them in the front seat and asking your husband to ride in the back seat, in which he feels, in that moment, like he's in the trunk.” That is a marital issue, immediately, for the new spouse. That's why you can't put him in the back seat, because you are risking the stability of your marriage. Even though your marriage followed the children, you still have to have it in the front seat, so to speak, in order for your relationship to lead the home.  If you're going to lead from a position of unity, this is both a parenting issue and a marriage issue all at the same moment. If you're going to position the new stepdad, in this case, beside you so that you can lead together, then you have to put him in the front seat.  6:00 You have to say to your children: “I'm' sorry. You're going to have to go to the back.” You're going to have to, then, deal with their being upset and them feeling like, “Oh, you mean you love him more than us?” You're going to have to deal with that hard moment. And by the way, how do you deal with that?—a lot of love, some big hugs, a little TLC: “Now, get in the back.” It's a combination of “I get it. This is hard for you, but he's my husband. Now, he's going to ride in the front. I'm thinking about letting him drive, but one thing at a time.” [Laughter] Dennis: I want to ask, at this point, if you treat this like Barbara and I did—which was, instead of going through the battle, at the moment, of who sits in the front seat, you have a family time—you just say: “Hey, you know what? This is a point of constant strife in our family, so here's how it's going to work.” Ron: Yes; you can anticipate this in a blended family and go: “You know what? We've picked up on this—there's some weeping and gnashing of teeth every time we have a front-seat moment in our home.”    7:00 What does that look like? “I consult my husband about parenting. I didn't ever have to ask anyone else before. I was a single mom; I could do whatever I wanted. Now, I stop for a minute and I ask him.” The kids notice; and they go, “Wait a minute why are you asking him?” Well, this is a front-seat moment: “Well, I'm asking him, because he's my husband; and I know things have changed.” Dennis: And you want your kids to understand the loyalties are to the other parent. The marriage has to be a priority and that they need to feel secure in that commitment that you're not going to run the show by yourself— Ron: Yes; absolutely. Dennis: —or let the kids hijack the car. Ron: So you do some proactive: “Hey, we're going to have a family meeting. Just want you guys to know that some things are going to change around here and this is why.”  Let's just pause a second and talk about language, because I learned a hard lesson. When I wrote the first edition of The Smart Stepfamily—it came out in 2002—and in that edition, I talked very directly about this matter.  8:00 But I made a mistake in how I worded a few things. I used language that implied that, somehow, there was more love for the spouse than for the kids. I don't even remember exactly how I said it, but that's what a few people would walk away from. I'd get letters, and I'd get questions at conference events that I do around the country, even now.  I learned: “Wow! I have to change that, because…”—for example, we say: “It is God first, then your spouse, and then your kids”; right? What are we saying with that?  We're saying, “We prioritize those relationships.” Why do we prioritize marriage? Scripture talks about leaving father and mother; cleaving to your spouse—that is the start of a new home—it's the marriage relationship that lays the foundation.  But sometimes, when you say that to somebody who has children from a previous relationship, what they hear is: “Abandon your children, reject them, leave them in isolation and spend all of your time and energy with your new spouse,”—that is not what we are saying.  9:00 When I wrote the revised, expanded edition of The Smart Stepfamily—that came out in 2014—I changed that wording. I was very careful, because I knew what people had heard. That's not what we're saying.  What we're saying is that there is one single important relationship in your home that will eventually bring stability to your home. But, now, notice—in the beginning of a blended family, putting your spouse in the front seat actually creates a little instability in your home. Now, that's backwards; that's not something that is typical—that's not true of biological families—but it is true of stepfamilies. It's another adjustment for kids; but eventually, it does bring stability to your home because you, as a couple, are leading from a position of unity, and togetherness, and oneness. The children see that and honor that.  Dennis: Ron, we've been talking about calling a family meeting and getting the stepchildren and the bio-children together and addressing them as one group.  10:00 It might be wise for the bio-parent of the children to address the issue separately from the stepchildren, so that it's not an “us” versus “them”: “Here's how we need to absorb this, as a little miniature family, as a part of the bigger family.” Ron: Yes; yes. That‘s wise. The message of that biological parent can be to their kids: “Look, you're the greatest kids in the world, and no other children in the universe are more important to me than you guys. Oh, by the way, there's no other adult more important to me than my new spouse. Now, I realize that that means, for you, that you don't get as much time with me; and every once in a while I talk to him”—or—“her about decisions. We're a team. You may not always like that.” Dennis: And “As the best kids in the universe, I want you to rally around this person I love!” Ron: Yes; invite them to that.  Bob: This is not just a stepfamily issue. Ron: Right. Bob: I mean, in intact families, kids try to divide mom and dad.  Ron: Yes. 11:00 Bob: They try to compete; and in intact families, new mamas often give their heart, time, and attention to their kids—and daddy is now on the sidelines—because mom's got this new love in her life. So this child-centered versus marriage-centered issue happens in both intact families and in blended families.  I remember, again, in the Art of Parenting video series—Bryan Loritts tells the story about getting invited to do ministry in Dubai—they said: “We'd like to invite you, and we'll send you two plane tickets.” He said, “Okay; Korie and I—my wife and I are going to go to Dubai.” He said: “One of my kids said: ‘Why are you taking Mom? Why does she get to go to Dubai with you?” He said, “Well, because I kind of love her more than I love you.” [Laughter] And you think, “You don't want to say that to your kid.” No; it helped his child to hear—and he went on to say: “And you know what? Someday, you're going to leave; and mom and I are going to be together long after you're gone. This is what's important.”  12:00 Ron: This is a really good point, and I want us to unpack what you just said; because there is a difference in saying that in a biological family than in a stepfamily. Here's the difference. When you say that, tongue in cheek, to a child—“…because I love her more than I love you,”—something inside of that kid kind of laughs along with it, because they know that your love for them is unmistakable; it's good and right that you love mom. In a blended family, that is unclear. Bob: Right. Ron: Sometimes children say, “It's good and right that you love your new wife, my stepmother”; but sometimes they're like: “Now, wait a minute. I'm your flesh and blood. How can you say that?” So what has a positive impact in a biologic home can have a negative in a stepfamily home. Bob: And the stepkids have likely been through some kind of loss. Ron: They have! Bob: So when you say, “I love her more than I love you,” they're hearing, “…loss magnified.” Ron: “Oh, no! Here we go again.” “Wait a minute! You said that you loved dad; and then you divorced.  13:00 “So now you're saying that you love this person more than you love me. Does that mean you're getting rid of me?” It does have very different implications, given the narrative of the family's journey, which is why this is important.  By the way, what we're doing right now, guys, is so helpful—this is what I call “going around the Horn”—we're going around the family; and we're jumping into the shoes of the child and saying: “Why would they react harshly to this idea of putting your spouse in the front seat? What's going on for a kid?” Well, yes, sometimes kids just want to ride in the front and they want what they want. But also there is: “I've been through some pretty rough stuff. I've lost connection with somebody. My family has gone through major transitions,”—a tragedy of some sort: a death or a divorce—“I don't want to go through another one of those things.” They're hypersensitive to the idea of being pushed aside, because they've seen it happen already in their home.  Of course, they're not going to welcome this new person riding in the front seat of the family car. 14:00 What you have to do, as a parent, is understand that but not be paralyzed by that. That is the big mistake that biological parents make—they see the pain in their child's eyes, and they go easy. All of a sudden, they're putting their kid in the front seat and their spouse in the back seat. That's the wrong move; because over time—you may have prevented a little bit of pain in your child's heart in the moment, but you've created a bigger pain, on behalf of your family, in the long run. Dennis: Are there some ways that you've seen blended families put their spouse in the back seat without them understanding it? I mean, what are the issues that typically show up in a blended family, where the spouse ends up in the back seat or—maybe, as you mentioned earlier—the trunk? Ron: We had a woman write in on Facebook®—follows us on FamilyLife Blended Facebook: “I don't get any time alone with my husband when his children are here. For weeks, it feels like we're strangers.”  15:00 Their scenario is—you know, his kids are at their biological mom's house most of the time. When they come to this house, then dad throws himself, 100 percent, into his kids.  Now, I want to balance this; because, on the one hand, I think that's important—he's dad, and they don't get much of him. He needs to throw himself into his children; and yet, he needs to spend time with his wife, in their presence, so that they see that this relationship/this marriage is really a big deal to dad. It's a delicate balance, but he's the one that has to keep that balance. If he gives 100 percent to his kids and 0 time to his wife while they're there, the message is: “She's in the back seat,”—that's a mistake. Bob: Let me just offer, I think, what can be a helpful word picture here. When your kids show up—and they're now entering into your family / into your marriage—they're going to be with you for the weekend, or they're going to be with you for the next two weeks, or for a month in the summer / whatever it is—you can look at it like: “The kids are here.  16:00 “Our life stops; and now, this new chapter—where the kids are in the middle of it / where they‘re at the center of it—that begins.”  Instead of thinking of it that way, I think blended families need to think: “When the kids show up, they step into our journey. They become welcome passengers in a journey that is ongoing. We're glad to have them here, but they're coming into something that doesn't stop but something that is ongoing—a relationship that is continuing. Life doesn't shelf out of one gear into another, but they hop in and we keep moving forward.” Ron: That's leadership—you are saying: “This is our family. Come join us; we want you to be a part of this.”  Now, again, I have to acknowledge that that's harder than it sounds. There are some situations where it's difficult. For some children, they have felt slighted—because of how things happened or how they got shifted around between homes—so this feels like another “I'm just getting pushed to the side” sort of moment. 17:00 I'm a firm believer that biological parents have to move toward their children with intentionality, so they can move toward their spouse with intentionality—it is both/and. Really, this is where we come back to that language thing. Yes; it is God first, and your spouse second, and your kids third; but that doesn't mean you ignore your kids. And yes; your spouse is your priority relationship, but that doesn't mean you don't love your kids. It's not either your spouse or your kids—it's both/and—of course, it is both/and. But we recognize that there is a need for intentionality to position the marriage to lead the home. If you don't do that—particularly, the biological parent hast to be the one to make this happen.  If they're unwilling—let me share a quick story with you to make a point. I was talking with a guy, one time, about his life—I said,” Tell me about your childhood, growing up.” He said: “Man, I grew up in a blended family. My mom and dad divorced when I was very, very young.  18:00 “Probably around age five or six my mom remarried. I had a stepdad.” Listen to his words—he said: “I love this guy. I called him, “Daddy,” almost from Day 1. He was important to me/valuable to me. He's still my dad—far more my dad in my life than my biological dad has ever been.”  Then these words came out of his mouth: “But I didn't respect him. Early on, my mom said to my stepdad, in front of us kids, ‘Hey, listen, if anything every goes wrong around here, I'm taking the kids and I'm leaving.'” See, that was a huge back-seat moment. She said to her husband, “I love my kids more than you, and I will choose them over you any day; so you better watch your step.” What this young man picked up, at the age of five or six, is that: “I don't have to respect him. Mom didn't respect him. He's not in the front seat; I am.”  Listen to how powerful that backseat moment was in undercutting the stepdad's role in the home. You don't ever want to say that to your spouse in front of the kids.  19:00 Rather, the message needs to be: “No, honey; you're in the front seat,” and “You and me—we're going to lead these kids from this moment forward.”  Dennis: And I would say: “Don't ever say the word, ‘divorce' or say ‘leave.' ‘We may have conflict, but we're going to stick it out for a lifetime.'”  Bob: Maybe a time out, but that's okay—it's different than leaving. Dennis: Exactly. I'll never forget flying on a lengthy flight, one time, with a young lady seated next to me. I struck up a conversation with her—she was on her way to her father's house—she said:” I have two homes. I spend one week in one place; one week in the other place,”—joint custody. I'm playing out this whole scenario of front seat/back seat. I mean, we just have to stop and say: “If divorce is about to cause your intact to be split up, we're talking about complexity here that kids should not have to deal with.  20:00 “They should not have to try to figure out who's in the front seat: ‘Where do I fit with mom?—with dad?—with her new spouse?—his new spouse?'”—etc. My heart went out to that young lady, thinking: “What must she think? What must be going on there? How could she be sorting through all the emotions that she was feeling?—the fear: wondering who she was / whose home did she belong to?” Ron: If there's any way to save a first marriage, do it! If there's any way to do that, seek reconciliation. Strive to make that relationship work, because you and your children are going to be walking out a tremendous amount of complexity and ambiguity if it ends in divorce. Dennis: I'd encourage our listeners to go to FamilyLife Today.com and check out the blended family section that's there. Read some articles, listen to other broadcasts, and also come and join us at a Weekend to Remember and get some training to head this stuff off at the pass.  21:00 You don't want to have to go through this. This is not the way marriage and family were designed, by God, to function.  Bob: You mention that you've written on this subject of putting your spouse in the front seat. We have a link on our website, at FamilyLife Today.com, to the articles that you've written; and we've got links to the books you've written. Again, there's information available, online, at FamilyLife Today.com. You and your team are working now on an event that's going to take place October 24th and 25th. This is our sixth annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It's going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs, who heads up Divorce Care for Kids, is going to be here; Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking; Lamar and Ronnie Tyler; and others.  The focus this year is on parenting in complex families.  23:00 This is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women—anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches. They should plan to be in Little Rock October 24th and 25th for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. There's information available, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. Again, the website—FamilyLife Today.com—sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October. I know this is a busy time of year for a lot of families, with people already back in school or heading back to school. Summer is winding [down]—school supplies/new clothes—I mean, all kinds of things that just crowd this part of the summer. I want to ask you, in the middle of the busyness, to do something. Here, at FamilyLife®, in the month of August, we've had friends of the ministry who have come along and offered to match every donation we receive this month—  24:00 —on a dollar-for-dollar basis—up to a total of $500,000. This is the last week of the month. If we're going to take full advantage of this matching-gift opportunity, we need to hear from as many FamilyLife Today listeners as possible this week. So in the midst of everything else that is going on, can I ask you to go online and make a donation to help support the ongoing work of this ministry?—or call if that's easier: 1-800-FL-TODAY—you can make a donation over the phone. When you give to FamilyLife, your money helps us take this message—this practical biblical help and hope for marriages and families—take it to more people more regularly. That's where the money goes. Again, your donation will be doubled if we can hear from this week; so go to FamilyLife Today.com to donate, or call to donate at 1-800-FL-TODAY.  When you do, we're going to say, “Thank you,” by sending a copy of Dennis and Barbara Rainey's new book, The Art of Parenting.  24:00 It's our thank-you gift for your support of this ministry. Especially this week, we want to say, “Thank you for getting in touch with us.” We hope you can join us back tomorrow. We're going to talk about how we can have conversations in this culture about Christian beliefs and Christian values without those conversations going south. Dr. Tim Muehlhoff from Biola University will be here to talk with us about that. I hope you can be here as well. I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Marriage Matters Guests:                      Steve and Misty Arterburn and Ron Deal             From the series:       Blended Family Tips  Bob: Children who have experienced the loss of a parent, either because of death or divorce, have experienced some level of trauma as a result of that loss. Steve Arterburn says if those kids become a part of a new blended family, they don't need a new stepdad to be a drill sergeant.  Steve: I know all these guys that come in: “These—look, these kids will respect me. I will discipline them. They will obey me.” It's so much more about trying to build a bond and a connection in the midst of horror that they've gone through than getting something from them that they should never have to give, reluctantly.  Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Friday, April 6th. Our host is Dennis Rainey; I'm Bob Lepine. If you're in a blended family, have you thought strategically about what your stepchildren need from you? We're going to spend time talking about that today with our guests, Steve and Misty Arterburn, and with Ron Deal.  1:00 Stay tuned.  And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. We're talking about one of those challenging areas in life when a couple starts a new marriage, where both of them have been previously married and they bring children into that relationship. That, for a lot of couples, is an unexpected kind of a blindside: “Oh, I didn't know this was…” “Oh, I didn't…” “Oh, oh….” You know, it kind of— Dennis: I do.  Bob: —it's a wakeup call for a lot of couples.  Dennis: It really is; and joining us in the studio today to give us a perspective about that is Ron Deal. His perspective counts, because he has been in this area for over three decades; right, Ron?  Ron: Am I that old? [Laughter]  Bob: Sorry to break it to you, but yes. [Laughter] Ron: I guess so.  Dennis: Ron heads up FamilyLife Blended®. He's also joined by Steve and Misty Arterburn, all the way from Indiana.  2:00 Thanks for coming down and visiting us.  Steve: Great to be here.  Dennis: Glad to have you.  Steve: Thank you.  Misty: Thank you.  Bob: Any radio listeners, who think, “Is this New Life Live!?”—no; it's FamilyLife Today—at least for the next 30 minutes, and then we might get to New Life Live! later on today; okay?  Steve: Thank you.  Bob: Yes.  Dennis: Steve is a pastor at Northview in Carmel, Indiana.  Steve: That's right.  Dennis: Great ministry at church that has—how many people attending every Sunday?  Steve: I think around 10,000 and 3 campuses are in prisons. We just love ministering to those prisoners.  Bob: That's great.  Dennis: That's great. You and Misty have authored several books together.  We want to talk about what Bob was mentioning at the outset about how blended families function, especially, around parenting.  Bob: Yes; it is one thing for a couple, who have met, following—both of you were involved in a divorce / you were both sinned against. Your church got involved— Steve: Yes. Bob: —and helped you in the process of all of this. You met a while after you'd had the divorce. You dated for a period of time.  3:00 Steve: Right.  Bob: You fell in love—you said, “We're going to get married.” You had two kids. Steve, you had a daughter. As you thought about remarriage, were you anticipating this could get tricky with kids?  Steve: We didn't think it would be tricky. We knew that, if it wasn't done well and right / if we didn't prepare before the marriage, it was just going to end up—it had a good chance that the kids would cause another divorce—or the way we were handling those.  I was very impressed with her mothering. I just—it was—I was blown away by the way she mothered. She had these little boys. By the time they were seven, they'd gone through The Chronicles of Narnia, and the whole Bible, and all this stuff. They had a foundation. I was just thrilled that that was the kind of mothering she had done in the wake of divorce.  Bob: Were you worried, Misty, about the blending of families and being parents together?  Misty: I was terrified.  4:00 I was terrified. I just don't take it lightly. Those are my boys, and their well-being was the highest aim. I was trying to make sure that I was healthy and that they could be healthy, and I didn't want to risk. So, we were— Dennis: That's what I wanted to ask you: “Was it hard to trust again?”  Misty: Yes; very, very hard. You go through a train wreck like that, and there's debris and carnage. You don't want to experience that again. It was very sobering to go through that; and I tried to keep my eyes very wide open, walking into a new relationship.  Dennis: And you wanted to protect your kids because they trusted too; huh?  Steve: Well, my daughter was kind of everything to me at that point. I was not going to expose her to somebody that would love her for a little while and then we'd break up and it would be over. It was a long time before we got the kids together; but I felt like, if she could mother those boys the way she did, she could sure be a great bonus mother to my daughter. 5:00 Ron: Now, we're going to talk about parenting and step-parenting here in a minute; but to set that up, we have to continue with what you guys have just talked about. To be able to trust one another, as husband and wife—when you're also holding so tightly to your children and then trying to figure out “How do I merge my heart with another adult and with their kids?”—there is a lot of stuff in that to consider. At the end of the day, if that marital merger doesn't go well, there's no way your parenting merger can go well. Talk to us around that journey for you.  Misty: Well, it's a lot of plates spinning all at once. It's not linear—it'd be great if we could just address one thing at a time, but there are so many things happening at any given moment.  I just try to take one day at a time—just keep it simple / just do the next right thing. Eventually, all those pieces unfold; and you get presented with the next challenge— 6:00 —just a constant state of surrender to God and His ultimate will—and not grasping onto what I think I want and trying to force my life into a certain container so that it will look the way I want—but truly surrendering—to let it unfold over time, and slow down, and the answers come.  Steve: I knew something, as a single man; and I forgot it after we got married. If I didn't have sex with her—if I wanted her to trust me more than I wanted her to have sex with me, as a single, she would trust me after we got married.  Now, after we got married, I didn't stick with that. I would—I'd make the goal: “Hey, let's be intimate together!” It has been a glaring lesson that, even in marriage, the goal is: “Wait, it's not to be sexually intimate; it is to build that trust so that she wants to be intimate.”  7:00 It began in dating and, I think—well, I mean, she said to me many times what that meant to her—that I didn't want to take from her.  Ron: Now, I know why you guys were attracted to each other; because there is so much character in what you just said. There is so much self-discipline in that—the surrendering to God—not organizing your life and making it work the way you wanted it to restore some fantasy that was lost from the previous relationship or whatever. No, no, no; you took it a day at a time. You listened to God; you made Him the priority; you made choices about purity on behalf of your relationship with God—that's how you begin to nurture and find clarity.  Bob: Okay; let me jump into year one of the marriage.  Steve: Yes.  Bob: Alright; it's now Steve and Misty Arterburn and their three kids.  Steve: Right.  Bob: How did that go?  Misty: All hell broke loose. [Laughter]  Ron: We've heard that before on this program. You're not the only ones—please know that.  Misty: Okay; so—no, truly, it was as if a bomb went off. It was—I think what happens is—you eat the wedding cake—we joke about “Don't eat the wedding cake because there is something in it.”   8:00 All of a sudden, the deal is done. All the fear just skyrockets; because: “Now, we have to make it work” and all of the “What have I just gotten myself into?”—and when the first problems arise—it's just: “I need the other person to come through.” I think just the intensity of the first year—and you're scared, and you're trying to do it, and you're trying to take care of the kids—and it is all these components all at the same time.  Steve: And I would say that all hell did break loose; but because we had counselors with us, we got it tied back together.  Misty: Oh, yes; yes.  Steve: The thing that we went into—I made sure of—I didn't ever want to be abandoned again. There were no safety nets—there was no: “Well, you know, if this doesn't…” or whatever. No; this was going to have—I had to know that she would commit forever.  Dennis: You're talking about a covenant.  Steve: Yes.  Misty: Yes.  Ron: Yes.  Steve: So— Misty: We did have that.  Steve: —we worked through the hot stuff and got to the other side of it, and that was the blessing.  9:00 Dennis: Okay; I want to go back to year one, where Bob had us a few moments ago. In the midst of all hell breaking loose, what I want to know is: “Which one of you had the highest unreal expectations about being parents in a blended family? Who do you think had the higher expectations?”  Misty: I don't know if it was expectation or just desperation. We desperately—I desperately wanted my boys to have a stable man / father figure in their lives. He desperately wanted me to be able to be a mother to Madeline.  Steve: It was kind of mutual in our desire, but that was one thing that we really kind of got right in the midst of all of the difficulty of getting used to each other. We approached step-parenting in a different way than we'd ever heard about or taught, and we're so grateful that we did.  Ron: Well, one of the things you talk about is coming in as being a benevolent uncle or aunt— Steve: Yes.  Ron: —as opposed to instant authority in the kids' lives.  10:00 That had to help, especially, in terms of this desperation you were feeling about the other and what role they would play in your kids' lives. That had to help when you saw that softness. Talk to me about “benevolent uncle or aunt”: “What does that look like?”  Steve: Well, I just wanted to add to their lives, and I wanted to earn respect. I wanted them to enjoy being with me, and I wanted to do some things that they weren't expecting me to do.  Misty: One night—I think Carter was probably 11 or 12 and particularly cranky at the—in the kitchen, we were getting ready for dinner; and it was really getting out of hand. My instinct was to say: “Hey, you can go eat dinner in your room. You know, get a plate and head on up,” to my son. Steve chimed in and he said, “Or you could roll a raw egg across the kitchen floor with your nose the full length of the kitchen floor. You get to choose.” [Laughter] Instantly, the climate changed.  11:00 My son said, “Alright; I'll roll an egg across the floor.” We have this unbelievably treasured video of him rolling with his nose.  Ron: Oh, that's got to be good. Misty: We were laughing, and it just shifted. There was an instance where I was sort of coming down on top; but Steve so wisely came in and brought playfulness, and love, and laughter into the moment.  Steve: I was not the primary disciplinarian with them—  Misty: No.  Steve: —she was.  Misty: That's right.  Steve: Then, I supported her; and the same with my daughter. I know all these guys that come in: “These—look, these kids will respect me. I will discipline them. They will obey me.” It's so much more about trying to build a bond and a connection in the midst of the horror that they've gone through than getting something from them that they should never have to give, reluctantly.  Bob: One of the principles you've talked about is that stepparents need to do a lot more listening than they do talking; right?  Steve: Yes; you're out there, talking to be known because: “I'm the new kid on the block. I'm the leader here.”  12:00 Well, why not—why don't you listen to know them? Well, then, if you do that, they are going to know you have a heart for them; and they'll trust you.  Misty: That's right.  Steve: And to this day, I mean, when I get a text from James, it makes me tear—[Emotion in voice] —you know, he's asking for my advice. I just think you just— Dennis: That's a gift.  Steve: —don't know what that's worth—  Dennis: That's a gift.  Steve: —for a college student to be asking me for advice. It's just pretty special. Ron: That's beautiful. I hope every pastor listening to us, right now, is hearing what you are saying; because often, they are the ones who are guilty of telling a stepparent, “Step in there and be the dad.”  Bob: Yes. Ron: What you're saying has so much wisdom in it—you're saying: “I supported my wife as the parent to her children, and I came alongside her as a benevolent uncle to those children. I listened; I played; and I gained their trust and their respect.  13:00 “Eventually, I became the guy they text and ask for advice.” That's a beautiful picture.  I've got to just throw this in there. Steve has spoken at our Summit on Stepfamily Ministry that we sponsor, here, at FamilyLife® every year. That's one of the things we do there—is educate pastors and lay leaders about how they can minister well to stepfamilies in their church and community.  Dennis: And Steve, just comment on what he said; because you are a pastor— Steve: Yes.  Dennis: —of a local church—how the church can benefit from being trained in better understanding where stepfamilies are and how they can relate to one another.  Steve: Well, I go back to Jeremiah 6:14—it says, “They treat the deep wounds of my people with superficial treatments.” That is something that every pastor needs to memorize, because the issues of step-parenting and stepfamilies are so intricate. You really do need to not try to throw out these Band-Aid kind of answers, and you really need to look at— 14:00 —I mean, Ron has spent a lifetime of delving into this to try to come up with the true truth about this. I just hope and pray that you would take a second look at everything you've ever said about step-parenting and stepfamilies and be sure that you are being helpful and not hurtful.  Bob: Sounds like you guys were pretty well prepared for the shared parenting journey that you were stepping into. As you look back, if you could have one do-over in how you began the process of step-parenting, what would your do-over be?  Misty: Yes; there's a night that I remember. It was—I got offended by Madeline, and I really think that it wasn't helpful for me to be offended. I think the highest aim is connection, and correction must submit to connection—that's the first thing. Then, once there is a connection and safety, the correction is welcome and effective.  15:00 Bob: Hang on. Ron's writing that down.  Ron: Oh, yes. We've got to unpack that, because that is beautiful. It's absolutely on target, but we've got to flesh that out for people because that's so hard. We want obedience now; right?—we want good behavior. We want everybody, who is watching us in the store with our kids, to go, “Oh, you must be a fabulous parent; because look at how your child is behaving.” When obedience is the priority, then you stop being able to connect, in particular as a stepparent.  So how do you slow yourself down, as a stepmom? How did you slow yourself down to go: “You know what? Connection is the priority here”?  Misty: Well, I think it started with the healing processes that we went through—that we fall short of the glory of God, and here are these children—they are trying to make sense of their lives. They are trying to grow up—they don't know everything / they don't have everything—maybe, they had too much sugar today, and it has nothing to do with defiance and rebellion.  16:00 Maybe, they didn't get enough sleep last night. Maybe, it's a very basic need: “Do I have compassion or not?” If my child is misbehaving or doing things that aren't pleasing to me: “Well, what's it about? What's the underlying issue?”  Steve: Now, I just have to say this—as she talks about breaking connection and being more interested in correction, one of the things that we talk about in bonus parenting is: “Don't be the stepparent that's always right. Be the bonus parent who humbly and willingly admits mistakes and makes amends.”   Last night, when I'm telling Madeline we're going to come talk about this experience, I said, “So what is it that Misty did so well with you?” She says, “Connection and communication.” Now, why did she say that all these years later?—because Misty didn't stay there; she made amends. She came after her, from a humble perspective, after realizing, “That didn't go too well.”  Ron: Yes.  Steve: That's what the stepparent is so afraid to do—that they're never going to be viewed as a great person.  17:00 Well, actually, you're going to be viewed as a very great person when you're humble.  Misty: And we make things mean something about us when, really, it's about this child— Ron: That's right.  Misty: —and what they're—there is some skill that they don't have to cope with their situation. My job and privilege, as the mother, is to help them figure out what skill they need to handle that situation.  Ron: I've just got to add one more thought to this. Just this morning, we were recording another FamilyLife Blended radio feature. I was talking about putting on thick skin. It's a hard thing to say: “But sometimes, stepparents, you've just got to put on your thick skin.”  As you said, not everything is about you. Sometimes, it's about sugar; you know? Sometimes, it is about the past. Kids do have hurts and wounds on their heart, and they act out just like the rest of us do. It still doesn't mean that it's a rejection of you. It doesn't mean that your life is over. Let that bullet bounce a little bit. Ask God to give you the strength and courage to bear up under it. Find a way to put on compassion in that moment.  18:00 You'll probably find that the kid softens, and you soften, and you move past it.  Bob: I want to find out about a do-over for you, Steve. If you could go back to the first year or two and have a do-over, can you think of something?  Steve: Well, I think it was being gone too much and travelling too much versus saying: “You know what? I need to carve out this time and spend more time with them.” I think that would have been really valuable.  Bob: Blending takes— Steve: Yes.  Bob: —time, and intentionality, and effort. You can't just think, “Oh, this will happen”; right?  Steve: No; that's right. It's not easy, but the rewards later—I thought that these boys were an obligation that I had to fulfill to be married to Misty. They are two of the greatest blessings in my life.  Dennis: Sometimes, it's good to go out to the end of a matter and just be reminded of the big picture. That's what the Book of 1 Peter does—in Chapter 4, it says this:  19:00 “The end of all things is at hand; therefore, be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers. Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”  Steve: There you are.  Dennis: Now, that's true of a blended family and— Bob: —true at our house!  Misty: Yes.  Dennis: —my house as well!  Misty: I sure need it.  Dennis: I'm just telling you—some listeners today need to be reminded, “Love covers a multitude of sins.” I think Misty demonstrated the attitude, repeatedly, this week on the broadcast, talking about humbling down— Bob: Yes.  Dennis: —bending your will toward the God of the universe and say, “God, I was wrong,” and then stepping back up—not wallowing in your mistake, and reliving it, and blaming and shaming yourself, but instead, go: “You know what? I'm going to use that as a tool toward learning and growing as a follower of Christ.  20:00 “I'm going to step back up, and I'm going to love because God first loved me.”  Misty: That's right.  Dennis: Misty/Steve, thanks for modeling these—not perfectly—  Steve: No.  Dennis: —I'm not going to set you up for failure there—but thank you for being open and honest and sharing your love for Christ but also your love for one another.  I just have to say to you Misty—the listener doesn't know it; but occasionally, we'll have a guest come in, Bob, who says, “Now, this is not really my thing.” I wish—I just wish our listeners could have seen Misty. She was reaching over, grasping Steve's arm, saying, “Stop talking so I can start talking.” [Laughter] Bob: “I've got something to say here. Step aside, husband.”  Dennis: “I've got more.” [Laughter] Thanks for being on the broadcast, Misty. Steve, we may invite you back again. [Laughter] Steve: Thank you. [Laughter] Bob: I'm thinking folks may get a chance to see this dynamic, live, when you guys are a part of the upcoming Blended & Blessed® one-day livestream event that's going to be happening on Saturday, April 21st— 21:00 —that's just a couple of weeks away.  Hopefully, our listeners are already planning to do this in their local church; or they are inviting friends over to watch the livestream in their living room; or if you live in Charlotte, maybe, you are planning to come out to where the event is going to be hosted, live. Ron Deal, Dr. Rick Rigsby, Michele Cushatt, Bill Butterworth, and Steve and Misty Arterburn are going to be speaking that day. It's going to be available, worldwide, on the internet.  You can find out more about how you can host one of these events in your local church or where a local church is already hosting one of these in your community so you can attend; or you can have the livestream in your home and invite others in to watch it with you. Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com. Again, we're talking about the 2018 Blended & Blessed one-day livestream event, Saturday, April 21st.  22:00 Find out more at FamilyLifeToday.com and plan to join us for that day. We think this is going to be a great equipping day for couples who are in a blended marriage / a blended family and want that relationship to be solid and one that honors the Lord.  Now, this weekend, we've got couples in eight cities across the country, who are going to be joining us for a Weekend to Remember® marriage getaway. We hope you'll pray for these couples. We've got getaways happening in Indianapolis; Jacksonville, Florida; Lake Tahoe; Little Rock; Newport, Rhode Island; Omaha, Nebraska; Seattle, Washington—actually out in Bellevue—and in Washington, DC. There will be thousands of couples taking part in a getaway this weekend—including pastors and their spouses who will be attending, and they'll be attending as our guests. We've covered the registration costs for these pastors. Actually, you've covered the registration costs because those of you who are donors to FamilyLife Today— 23:00 —you have helped us fill up a scholarship fund so that we can provide scholarships for pastors and spouses. You may want to let your pastor know about that and urge him to take a weekend away with his wife and pour into his marriage.  If you'd like to make sure pastors and spouses can continue to attend a getaway, you can help make that happen. Our scholarship fund is starting to deplete. We're asking listeners to make a contribution to the FamilyLife Pastors Scholarship Fund. You can contribute, online, at FamilyLifeToday.com; or you can call 1-800-FL-TODAY. If you designate your giving, it will all go to the Pastors Scholarship Fund; or if you'd like to leave your gift undesignated, it will go to help support the cost of producing and syndicating this daily radio program. Thanks for your partnership with this ministry; and on behalf of pastors and their spouses, thank you for making it possible for them to attend a Weekend to Remember marriage getaway.  24:00 And we hope you have a great weekend. In fact, we hope you and your family are able to worship together this weekend in your local church; and we hope you can join us back on Monday when we're going to be talking about the unique relationship that exists between mothers and sons and how moms need to learn that what their sons need more than love is respect. Emerson Eggerichs will be here to help us understand that. I hope you can tune in as well.  I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas; a Cru® Ministry. Help for today. 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FamilyLife Today® Radio Transcript  References to conferences, resources, or other special promotions may be obsolete. Step-Grandparenting Guest:                         Ron Deal                   From the series:       Step-Grandparenting  Bob: When two families merge—when they blend—and now there are stepchildren and stepsiblings—one of the forgotten parts of this equation often, is the new step-grandparents. Here is Ron Deal.  Ron: Sometimes, when somebody else made a choice—and all of the sudden, you've got not just one, but maybe you've got five step-grandchildren—what if you had a bunch—what if you already thrown yourself relationship with your biological grandchildren, now you've got five more? It's like—“How do I fit all of this in? How do we do the finances?” I'm just saying—I've seen and been involved in situations where the step-grandparents just aren't terribly excited about this. That can be a disappointment to their adult child.  Bob: This is FamilyLife Today for Monday, July 30th. Our host is Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. Step-grandparenting can be tricky. We have some thoughts today from Ron Deal— 1:00 —on how to make it work more effectively. Stay with us.  And welcome to FamilyLife Today. Thanks for joining us. There was a conference back last fall for grandparents. We had some friends who put this together. We helped promote this event—a national conference of grandparenting.  Dennis: The Legacy Conference.  Bob: That's right. One of the speakers at the conference was Ron Deal who joins us in studio today and is the leader of FamilyLife Blended®. Ron, welcome back to FamilyLife Today.  Ron: Thank you.  Bob: You got invited to come and speak at this conference about step-grandparenting which, Dennis, I don't know if I ever even stopped to think about that subject—but that's an issue that a lot of families that all of the sudden find themselves in with very little preparation and very little coaching.  2:00 Dennis: I would say most grandparents feel overlooked when it comes to blending a family together; and I can't imagine what it would be like—to feel like—in some regards, you may be an outsider— Ron: Yes.  Dennis: —to get back in with grandkids that—at one point—you were their heros. You're hearing a lot about this subject as you speak around the country.  Ron: I am, Dennis. Bob, in preparation for that Legacy Conference, I did some homework. I do this every single day, but I was a little shocked to discover that 40-percent of families in the U.S. have a step-grandparent—40-percent! By the way, that's stat is 20 years old—it's old.  Dennis: So, it's likely higher.  Ron: It's likely much higher. The other thing that I found was that the prediction that demographers have is that by year 2030 in the U.S.—there will be one step-grandchild for every 1.7 biological grandchildren—less than 2 to 1 ratio. It is a very common experience. It's going to continue to be— 3:00 —a common experience—and of course, it touches all three of the generations.  Bob: Not just all three generations, but I'm thinking about all of the different permutations of what makes a stepfamily—and then how that expands to the grandparenting. So, if our son and daughter-in-law get a divorce, and now she is the custodial parent, where do we fit into that; right?  Ron: Exactly.  Bob: If there's an estrangement between our son and this daughter-in-law, we may be cut out of the picture— Ron: Right.  Bob: —with our grandkids.  Ron: What that means is that, at Christmastime, when you want time with your grandkids, there's probably four or five or six other sets of grandparents who, also want time with the grandkids. So, all of the sudden, life just got really complicated fast.  Bob: Then, I'm thinking about the other situation which is where our son or our daughter marries somebody who has been previously married and brings grandkids in, and we didn't just become new in-laws—we became new step-grandparents—and it happened in an instant.  4:00 So, instead of watching these kids be born, we're now step-grandparents to a 13-year-old and a 15-year-old that we haven't ever known before.  Ron: What if you have some real mixed feelings about that new relationship? By the way, this is one of the things we are hearing from people: “Hey, I have step-grandchildren. By the way, I also have some biological grandchildren. I've known them their whole lives, and they've known us—we have traditions and time together and all sorts of things. Now, I'm trying to figure out: “What do I do, and how do I find time for the step-grandchildren? But that relationship came about because my child”—let's say—"made some really poor decisions; and we have mixed feelings about those decisions.”  “Now, those decisions have resulted in them getting married and having stepchildren—that gives us step-grandchildren—we never really wanted this. It kind of feels like if we jump in as step-grandparents and throw ourselves into those relationships, that somehow, we're saying what my son or daughter did is okay.”  5:00 “We don't feel like it's okay. We're kind of stuck between, not wanting to give approval—but at the same time—the grandchildren shouldn't be the ones that suffer.”  That's the kind of difficulties that grandparents are finding themselves in—trying to wade through these waters and figure out what to do.  Dennis: You outline three different kinds of step-grandparents. There are step-grandparents who step into the life of a child and actually, are in a long-term relationship helping to raise that child to maturity.  Ron: Right. They've been in a long-term—we call them long-term step-grandparents, meaning maybe, they were a stepparent at a younger age; and they raised a stepchild, and that stepchild is now an adult, now married, now has children of their own. Technically, those are step-grandchildren to the grandparent; right? But you've been in their life since day-one.  6:00 That long-term step-grandparent, probably, has more of a relationship with their step-grandchildren like a biological grandparent would have with their biological grandchildren. It just feels more natural and more connected because of the length of the relationship.  Bob: Of course, all of this depends on the kind of relationship that the stepchild has with the stepparent because that's step-grandparenting is all incumbent on—“Are we still friends”— Ron: That's right.  Bob: —“with this child that we helped raise?”  Ron: Let's just kind of walk through the possibilities. On the one hand, let's say you have a great relationship with your stepchild who, now, becomes a parent. You have step-grandchildren. Odds are you're Grandma—end of story. That's going to be a wonderful, easy ride.  Maybe you have—on the other end of the continuum—a really awkward, difficult relationship with your stepchild who, now, has children. It can go one of two ways. What I see a lot is that all of the sudden, the step-grandchildren create an opportunity for connection.  7:00 They don't know you as anything different—they feel like you're Grandma to them or Grandpa to them. All of the sudden, it helps your relationship with your adult stepchild. They watch you be grandmother to their kids.  Dennis: By the way, if you want to win a parent's heart— Ron: There you go.  Bob: Yes. Dennis: —bless their child.  Ron: That's it.  Dennis: I mean find ways to build into their lives. I'm not talking about spoiling them with gifts. I'm talking about finding a way to encourage them, build them up, speak truth into their lives, and be an asset to them.  Ron: I hear from a lot of long-term step-grandparents who say, “You know what? My salvation with my stepchild was the grandkids. That was the backdoor that improved my relationship with them.” I say, “Amen! Hallelujah! Whatever it takes.” Pour into that grandchild, and all of the sudden, their parent is more appreciative of you than they've been before.  Dennis: What would you say to the person who is listening to our broadcast right now that would go—“That's me. I'm in that situation.” How can they take advantage of it?  8:00 Ron: You know it's the heart attitude of inclusion—and connectedness is always a good, positive thing. I mean, extending yourself in love generally works on your behalf—wouldn't we assume that as believers; right?  Dennis: Right.  Ron: Love conquers a lot of things. Now sometimes, you are not given permission to love. One of the barriers here for step-grandparents is that middle generation. Let's say you have a son or daughter or stepson—stepdaughter who blocks your ability to be a grandparent. Well, they can. They can just say, “No, the kids are not available”; “No, we're not going to come over and spend time on Sunday afternoon and have lunch. No—” They can do that, and that's really unfortunate—it's a heartbreak when that happens.  What I would say to that step-grandparent is “Okay, you have limited opportunity. Make the most of what you have and don't give up.”  Bob: I'd just throw in here— 9:00 —it can be our attitude: “I'm entitled to a relationship with my grandchild.” I think we've got to die to that entitlement at some point and go—“I can woo that. I can try to earn that. I can pray for that—but I'm going to have to let go of that sense of entitlement.”  Dennis: If you try to cash that chip in, you can alienate even further.  Ron: Yes. Yes, you certainly don't want to do that because then that just almost invites somebody to say, “Oh no you don't deserve”; right? Then, you've got them digging in their heels.  Bob: So, you've got long-term grandparenting. What's a second kind of grandparenting?  Ron: The second one we call inherited step-grandparents. Here is what's happened probably in your life. You've had a son or a daughter who made a choice to marry somebody who has kids. So, your son—let's just say that—your son has become a stepdad. Well, you just inherited step-grandchildren.  Now notice, this was not your choice. You're just cruising along in life. Your son made a choice to marry somebody with kids. 10:00 You didn't make that choice. You may be in favor of it. You may be happy about it—but at the same time, you didn't ask for grandkids—you didn't ask for this to be brought into your life.  I mean most grandparents are excited when they become grandparents. It's a little weird sometimes, to hear people say the very first-time, but—“Yes, I'm getting used to the idea.” Then they throw themselves into. Sometimes, when somebody else made a choice—and all of the sudden you've got not just one, but maybe you've got five step-grandchildren—what if you already had a bunch? What if you already had—you've already thrown yourself into relationships with your biological grandchildren—and now, you've got five more? It's like—“How do I fit all of this in? How do we do the finances?”  I'm just saying—I've seen and been involved in situations where the step-grandparents just aren't terribly excited about this. That can be a disappointment to their adult child.  Bob: We've got to keep in mind—you don't have an extended relationship with this new 11-year-old step-grandchild.  11:00 You don't know anything about what they like. You don't know anything about their history, for the most part. You are meeting them for the first-time at 11. They are not sure what to think about you.  Ron: —And you feel a little divided. You've got three other biological grandchildren. You do know what they like. You do have a relationship with them. Now, I'm supposed to take time away from them to invest time with this 11-year-old that I don't know?  Bob: —who is not sure he wants a relationship with you. The easiest thing to do for a step-grandparent in that situation is go—“Let's just back off and go where we're wanted” —but I hear you saying, “That may be the easiest thing to do, but that may not be the healthiest thing to do.”  Ron: I think we should always—I mean the life and times of Jesus Christ is a guy who walked around turning outsiders into insiders. Is that not the heart of the Gospel? People who were far from God, and He brings them near to God. He extends the hand of friendship, if you will. He extends love and grace to people who don't even know that they need it or want it.  12:00 That's the heart of our Savior.  I think anytime we do that in any situation—let's just paint a scenario like we were talking about before—let's say your son or daughter made a choice. It's a choice you didn't agree with. There are negative repercussions. You're not feeling great about it, but—bam!—you've got an 11-year-old step-granddaughter. I think you swallow hard, and you go—“Lord, help me be an influence in this 11-year-old's life—help us find ways of connecting—we've got to figure this out.” We don't just pull back and go—“Well, this shouldn't be, so I'm out of here.”  Dennis: I like where you are going with that, Ron, because I was just sitting back and thinking, “Most grandparents—when they are finally declared grandparents—are kind of wondering, ‘What's my assignment here?'” It's not necessarily cut and dried with every one of your adult children how they want you to be the grandparent in that situation. Then, you extrapolate the step-grandparenting assignment which that's a new category for a lot of people. 13:00 They don't even know—well, it's back to being dizzy again. Ron: Yes.  Dennis: “How do I relate to this person that's not biologically connected to me?”  Ron: You know here's a principle that I think would apply with both biological grandparenting as well as step-grandparenting: Define the relationship—we're going to have to have some conversations.  So, you go to your son or daughter; and you say, “Look, what role would you like for me to play? Here's what I would love to do. Here's where I'm interested. Here's my heart—my passion. How does that fit with you? Your schedule? Your needs? You have a wife or a husband to consider and their parents. Bring us in and give us some guidance so that we can come together and define what our role as grandparents look like.”  There is one other category, and it's what we call the later-life step-grandparent. This occurs when someone later in life marries somebody who is a grandparent. So, let's just paint a scenario.  14:00 You maybe, had a 30-year marriage, and your spouse dies. A few years go by, you're in your mid-60's—early 70's—and you fall in love again. You marry somebody who is a grandparent. You instantly have adult step-children and step-grandchildren.  Notice, you're the one who is motivated. You're the one who made the choice to marry this person. Typically, that step-grandparent is highly motivated to get to know all the generations—both the adult stepchildren as well the step-grandchildren—but the adult step-children and the step-grandchildren may not have any need for you whatsoever in their lives.  What we often find in this scenario is it's the adult children—now adult stepchildren—who go—“You know what? You're Dad's wife. You're not my mom, and you're not the grandmother to my kids. It's fine if you show up at Christmas, and we sure want you to cook the turkey at Thanksgiving— 15:00 —but don't step into that grandmother role. My mom was grandma—end of story. That adult child has a lot to say about whether or not that step-grandparent can play any role at all in the life of the family.  Bob: I just add to that—and we've talked about this before—patience—patience is a key virtue in all of this—and then grace. Keep in mind that your kids—your step-kids, their kids—everybody in this scenario has a context for what they are feeling. Loss has been a part of most of these people's experience—and when loss is a factor—that can pop up in some relationally challenging ways; right?  This is just where we have to be the people who say, “You know what? I'm going to give a ton of grace. When you start acting out of your loss and start getting angry”— 16:00 —“or frustrated or isolating yourself, I'm just going to go—‘Okay, there is a context for this, and I'm going to give a lot of grace here.'”  Ron: This later-life step-grandparent dynamic essentially creates what we call adult step-families. The person who gets caught in the middle of the bunch is the biological parent. Let's—back to our scenario—this man has married a woman later in his life—in their early 70's—and his children—they loved Mom. She was a wonderful woman in their life—and she will always be Mom—and to the grandchildren—she will always be Grandmother.  Dad can—he's got to be careful because if he's in a position of demanding that his kids welcome her as they would a mother—I just find that that backfires. He's got to be patient, too. Now, I also want the new step-grandmother in that scenario to not become so possessive. I've seen some situations where they look to their husband and say, “Look, if they don't invite me, then you can't go be with your kids either—and your grandkids.” 17:00 Oh! Wow! Dennis: Yes.  Ron: That will divide really, really fast. All that does is sabotage yourself in the family. You have to make some sacrifices. Keep the connections alive so that eventually they see you as an asset—somebody new to get to know and hopefully, they do extend themselves and invite you in.  Dennis: Parents in any family are gatekeepers— Ron: That's right.  Dennis: —to give grandparents access to their grandkids.  Bob: You've just started exploring this subject. I mean we've just touched the tip of the iceberg in talking about it today. Have you written much on this? Can you point us to where we can get additional help?  Ron: Yes, actually, a number of my resources do talk about adult stepfamilies and the step-grandparent dynamic. The most recent is Daily Encouragement for the Smart Stepfamily, which is a one-year devotional for blended families that talks about a variety of subjects as you walk through the year.  18:00 The Smart Stepfamily book and our DVD series that churches can use also will talk about some of these things. Then the books, The Smart Stepmom and The Smart Stepdad, each have chapters on these subjects.  Bob: Of course, we've got these resources available in our FamilyLife Today Resource Center, and listeners can go online and look for the right starting place—where would you say? The Smart Stepfamily?  Ron: The Smart Stepfamily would be a good start.  Bob: Yes.  Dennis: I'd encourage people to look at the book of James. James, Chapter 1, verses 2 through 8 would be a great passage of Scripture for any step-family. Let me just read it carefully: “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  19:00 Let me just say here—in all this conversation of feeling dizzy—I think this next command here in Scripture is really timely: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him, but let him ask in faith with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like the wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”  If you are in a step-family situation—whether you are a step-parent, a step-grandparent, a bio-parent—and you need wisdom, call on God. Ask Him to give you wisdom: “How do we handle this, Lord? This is so complex. We can't begin to sort through all the pieces of the puzzle here” —but God meets us at that point.  20:00 Bob: Yes. One of the things, Ron, that you have said is that you've got help on this subject. Folks can go to our website, FamilyLifeToday.com. You've written books and articles—and again, there is information online at FamilyLifeToday.com.  You and your team are working—now—on an event that's going to take place October 24th and 25th. This is our 6th Annual Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. It's going to be happening in Little Rock. In addition to you speaking at the event, Linda Ranson Jacobs—who heads up divorce-care for kids is going to be here. Dave and Meg Robbins will be speaking—Lamar and Ronnie Tyler and others. The focus this year is on parenting in complex families.  As often as not, when you're talking about blended families, the issues that people are asking you about are parenting issues. That's what the focus will be. Now, this is an event for pastors, church leaders, laymen and women— 21:00 —anybody who has a heart for step and blended families and wants to help those families thrive in local churches—they should plan to be in Little Rock on October 24th and 25th for the 2018 Summit on Stepfamily Ministry.  There is information available online at FamilyLifeToday.com—or call 1-800-FL-TODAY if you have any questions. There is early-bird pricing available now—so get in touch with us quickly to take advantage of that. Again, the website, FamilyLifeToday.com—sign up for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry happening in October.  I know for some of our listeners, school has only been out for about five or six weeks now. For others of our listeners in other parts of the country, school is starting back up next week. Can you believe it? There are some folks headed back to elementary and junior high and high school as early as next week in some parts of the country.  22:00 That's why we're encouraging moms and dads now, to sign up for a 30-Day Prayer Challenge encouraging you to be praying for your children every day for the next 30 days as they head back to school—whether they are in kindergarten or whether they are in graduate school. We will send you a daily prayer-prompt via email. It'll give you Scripture and specific ideas on things to be praying for, for your children.  You can sign up for the 30-Day Prayer Challenge right now at FamilyLifeToday.com, and we'll get you started immediately with your daily prayer prompts. Here at FamilyLife we are all about trying to effectively develop godly marriages and families—and praying for our kids is one of the ways that that happens.  We're excited because there are a number of churches around the country who have already contacted us, and they are launching Art of Parenting™ groups this fall. In fact, some of them are kicking off the launch by showing the movie that we've put together called Like Arrows as a special church event.  23:00 If you'd like information about FamilyLife's Art of Parenting video series—or the movie, Like Arrows, again, go to our website—FamilyLifeToday.com. Maybe, talk to your church leadership about whether this is something you want to do in your local church—and then get in touch with us. You can call us at 1-800-FL-TODAY.  Let me just say a word of thanks to those of you who partner with us so that all that we're doing here at FamilyLife can actually happen. Those of you who are regular, monthly Legacy Partners and those of you who will from time to time help support the ministry with a donation—we are so grateful for your partnership.  In fact, we'd like to express our gratitude today—if you're able to help with a donation—by sending you a copy of the book that Dennis Rainey wrote recently called Choosing a Life That Matters. It's our gift to you when you go online to donate at FamilyLifeToday.com—or when you call 1-800-FL-TODAY to make a donation. You can also mail your donation, along with your request for the book. Write to FamilyLife Today at Box 7111,— 24:00 —Little Rock, Arkansas; our zip code is 72223.  Tomorrow, we want to introduce you to a father who has a rather unusual family—a large family. His name is Pastor Gennadiy—and you'll meet him tomorrow and hear about his 35 children. That comes up tomorrow. Hope you can be with us for that.  I want to thank our engineer today, Keith Lynch, along with our entire broadcast production team. On behalf of our host, Dennis Rainey, I'm Bob Lepine. We will see you back next time for another edition of FamilyLife Today.  FamilyLife Today is a production of FamilyLife of Little Rock, Arkansas. A Cru® Ministry. Help for today. Hope for tomorrow.  We are so happy to provide these transcripts to you. However, there is a cost to produce them for our website. If you've benefited from the broadcast transcripts, would you consider donating today to help defray the costs?   Copyright © FamilyLife. All rights reserved. www.FamilyLife.com  

If death or divorce is part of your stepfamily journey, then you know the pain and obstacles that can come when blending a family. In this episode, Ron Deal talks with Brian and Diane Fromme. They have been married 25 years-a second marriage for both of them. Diane was divorced with no children, and Brian, with two children, lost his first wife to cancer. They share stories and wisdom from their experience, and Diane gives insight on the challenge of entering a family that is grieving the death of a parent. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Diane Fromme. http://www.dianefromme.com/ Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast Your generous support of FamilyLife helps create podcasts like the FamilyLife Blended® Podcast. https://donate.familylife.com/familylife-blended/

Whether by choice or chance, the stepmom who hasn't birthed children of her own can find loneliness in her role with her stepchildren and her relationship with her husband. Ron Deal talks with Laura Petherbridge, The Smart Stepmom, has over twenty years of experience, as a childless stepmom who has helped countless women redefine what it means to mother and love children who don't share their DNA. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Laura Petherbridge. http://www.laurapetherbridge.com/ Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Buy the book "The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning." https://shop.familylife.com/p-5664-the-smart-stepfamily-guide-to-financial-planning.aspx Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast The Smart Stepfamily DVD: An 8-Session Guide to a Healthy Stepfamily. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5643-the-smart-stepfamily-dvd-10th-anniversary-edition.aspx

One of the unfortunate and sometimes ugly results of a divorce is a custody battle. How do you sift through the murky waters of lawyers, legalities and loss while parenting your children? Throw in sustaining a healthy marriage will cause even more challenges. Ron Deal talks with Willie and Rachel Scott about their perspective and how God walked them through their individual stories of custody matters. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Better than Blended. https://betterthanblended.com/ Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Buy the book "The Smart Stepfamily Guide to Financial Planning." https://shop.familylife.com/p-5664-the-smart-stepfamily-guide-to-financial-planning.aspx Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast The Smart Stepfamily DVD: An 8-Session Guide to a Healthy Stepfamily. https://shop.familylife.com/p-5643-the-smart-stepfamily-dvd-10th-anniversary-edition.aspx

Have you ever wondered what's really going on inside a child of divorce? Or what their experience of your blended family is? Lauren Reitsema, is a wife and mother, and grew up a child of divorce and living between two stepfamilies. On this episode Ron Deal and Lauren address common questions parents and stepparents ask about kids-and share insights that will help you love and lead them well. Show Notes and Resources Lauren Reitsema's lastest book "In Their Shoes." https://www.christianbook.com/helping-parents-understand-connect-children-divorce/laren-reitsema/9780764233012/pd/233015?event=ESRCG Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Shop Ron's newest resources: https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryID=171 Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

Does your childhood, or previous relationships, ever creep into your current ones? If you've ever noticed that certain themes tend to repeat in our relationships you are not alone. And you'll want to listen if you've ever had an angry kid in your home and you've wondered what to do about it. Ron Deal is talking about that and much more with USA-Today Best-selling author Tricia Goyer. Show Notes and Resources Tricia Goyer's latest book "Calming Angry Kids." https://www.triciagoyer.com/ Learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Shop Ron's newest resources: https://shop.familylife.com/Products.aspx?categoryID=171 Learn about FamilyLife's other podcasts. https://www.familylife.com/podcast Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, and resources for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

Betrayal in marriage can be devastating. Kyle and Sheri Keffer have both experienced betrayal in previous marriages and have seen how the effects can carry over into a new marriage. They join Ron to discuss what betrayal can do to a person, the shame that sexual betrayal can produce, and how they're finding healing. Kyle and Sheri are both marriage and life therapists as well as sex addiction therapists. Sheri is a frequent co-host on the radio program New Life Live! with Steve Arterburn and has written the book Intimate Deception: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Dr. Sheri Keffer. https://drsherikeffer.com/ Read Sheri's book Intimate Decption: Healing the Wounds of Sexual Betrayal. https://www.christianbook.com/intimate-deception-healing-sexual-betrayal-paperback/sheri-keffer/9780800735050/pd/735056 Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/

Michele Cushatt has experienced divorce, blended family life, adoption, and is a three time cancer survivor. In this episode Michele and Ron discuss the unexpected journey of her life and the hard work of parenting hurting kids. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Michele Cushatt. https://michelecushatt.com/ Read Michele Cushatt's story in her book Undone. https://www.christianbook.com/undone-story-making-peace-unexpected-life/michele-cushatt/9780310339786/pd/339786 Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/

What would you do if the night before your wedding one of your children comes to you and says, "Please don't get married tomorrow?" On this episode, Mike and Kim Anderson discuss how they handled that as well as how they dealt with losing their daughter to her biological father's control. Show Notes and Resources Learn about Mike and Kim's ministry. https://www.mikeandkimcoaching.com/ To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

How do you give grace to a teenager? To a stepteenager, at that? And, how do you give each other grace as parents, when it comes to how they react to your teenager? Ron discusses these questions and more with Randy and Gayla Grace. Show Notes and Resources Learn more about Gayla and her ministry at http://stepparentingwithgrace.com/ To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Gayla's book Stepparenting with Grace provides wisdom and comfort from a veteran stepmom. https://www.christianbook.com/stepparenting-with-grace-devotional-blended-families/gayla-grace/9781683972686/pd/972686 Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.familylife.com/blended

All parenting is difficult, but when you add in divorce, the challenge multiplies. Staying connected is harder than ever, and fragile and shifting co-parenting structures and relationships put pressure on everyone. Navigating even the most routine parental responsibilities can become difficult. This episode brings help and hope to those parents who may be struggling. Show Notes and Resources Are children you know angry, hurt, and confused about their parent's separation or divorce? Check out Divorce Care 4 Kids and how they can help. https://www.dc4k.org/ To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit: https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Linda Ranson Jacobs new book The Single Parent. https://www.christianbook.com/the-single-parent-confident-and-successful/linda-jacobs/9780764232848/pd/232848 Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. https://www.FamilyLife.com/blended

When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be." What about now? Pastor and theologian John Ortberg provides a fresh perspective on the nature of eternity and our own connection to an eternal creator. Show Notes and Resources As believers, we're waiting for eternal life. But what is it? John Ortberg dispells the myths in his new book Eternity Is Now In Session. To learn more and register for the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry visit. https://www.summitonstepfamilies.com/ Learn more about John Ortberg and his ministry on his website.  http://www.johnortberg.com/ Visit FamilyLife Blended® online for articles, videos, resources, for blended families. http://www.FamilyLife.com/blended

As we post this new episode of Blended Covenant Living, dozens of stepfamily leaders are gathering at the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry for encouragement and enrichment. When Jack and Celine Peavy married 36 years ago, there were few, if any resources for their stepfamily. In this edition, how they've managed nearly four decades of blended covenant living.

As we post this new episode of Blended Covenant Living, dozens of stepfamily leaders are gathering at the Summit on Stepfamily Ministry for encouragement and enrichment. When Jack and Celine Peavy married 36 years ago, there were few, if any resources for their stepfamily. In this edition, how they've managed nearly four decades of blended covenant living.