Influence Every Day

Episode 051: A Short Rambling on Time and Gratitude The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori

Triggered On Purpose: How to Use Everyday Items to Induce Change

Show Notes for Episode 047: “When Doubt Becomes Drive” The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Episode Overview: Have you ever been told you can't do something? That you won't succeed? Maybe it was a teacher, a boss, a family member—someone who, intentionally or not, planted a seed of doubt in your mind. In this episode of The Influence Every Day Show, Dr. Ed Tori unpacks what he calls “Rocky Syndrome”—the deep, defiant motivation that kicks in when someone doubts you. Drawing from his own experiences—being told in elementary school that he'd “never get out” of his neighborhood and later being advised not to apply to medical school—Dr. Tori explores how external doubt can fuel internal drive. But is proving people wrong always the right motivation? And how do we channel doubt into something truly meaningful? What You'll Learn in This Episode: ✅ The Psychology of Doubt & Motivation – Why some people shut down when doubted while others rise to the challenge. ✅ Reactance Motivation & The Underdog Effect – How being underestimated can become an advantage. ✅ Real-World Examples – From Michael Jordan to Oprah Winfrey to Sylvester Stallone, how history's greats turned rejection into rocket fuel. ✅ A 4-Step Framework for Turning Doubt into Drive: Assess the Doubt – Is there truth in their words? What do you need to overcome? Fuel, Don't Fester – Use doubt as motivation, but don't let it consume you. Shift the Focus – Instead of proving them wrong, prove yourself right—and serve others. Find the Right Support – Surround yourself with people who elevate you.

046 Advocate for Others in Rooms They Don't Know Even Exist The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Summary What does it mean to have someone advocate for you when you're not in the room? In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori shares a personal story from high school when he worked at Chick-fil-A—a moment when an unexpected ally stood up for him in a place he didn't even know existed. This experience shaped his understanding of influence, leadership, and the power of advocating for others. Whether you're a leader, an entrepreneur, or someone striving to make an impact, this episode challenges you to become the kind of person who speaks up for others when it matters most. Key Takeaways The power of standing up for others, even when they don't know it Why great leaders advocate for their people behind closed doors How small moments of influence can have lasting effects The kind of workplace culture that fosters trust and loyalty A challenge to reflect: Who are you advocating for? Also In This Episode The influence of unseen advocacy in career and personal growth A real-life example of leadership in action The responsibility of leaders to champion their teams Be the advocate: Whether in your workplace, community, or relationships, look for ways to lift others up in spaces they may never even know exist. If this story resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Need help with influence and communication? Schedule a strategy call with Dr. Tori at InfluenceConsult.com. Now go forth and influence for good—every day.

Out of Sight and Unforgettable The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Episode 045 Does absence make the heart grow fonder, or do people simply forget you when you're gone? Both can be true—but what determines the difference? This episode explores what makes someone truly unforgettable. It's not about status, charm, or even how much time you spend with others. Instead, it comes down to how you show up in the present—your authenticity, your generosity, and the moments of connection you create. Dr. Tori shares real-life stories of unexpected messages from people he influenced years—sometimes decades—earlier. These moments serve as powerful reminders that small actions can have a lasting impact. He also challenges you to think about those who have shaped your life and to reach out with gratitude, reinforcing the cycle of meaningful influence. Key takeaways: Why some people leave a lasting impact while others are quickly forgotten How genuine presence and service create deep, memorable connections The unseen ripple effects of your influence—often surfacing years later A simple way to reconnect with someone who has impacted you By being intentional in your interactions today, you can ensure that when you're out of sight, you're never out of mind. This version keeps it focused on summarizing the episode's themes while maintaining a natural flow. Let me know if you'd like any refinements! Who made an impact on you? Take a moment to reach out and let them know. You might just change their life. Want help? Book an Influence Strategy Call: InfluenceConsult.com

5 Shifts in Under 5 Minutes—You Can Thank Me Later The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Episode 044 Imagine walking into your next meeting, conversation, or challenge already operating at your best—more energized, clearer in thought, and ready to influence with impact. The good news? You don't need an hour-long mindset routine. You don't even need 10 minutes. In under five minutes, you can shift your energy, mood, and perspective with simple, science-backed adjustments that work immediately. Want more energy? Move—just five minutes of stretching can transform your state. Need clarity? Write for five minutes. Your brain will organize your thoughts faster than you expect. Struggling with perspective? Read something new for just five minutes. The right insight can shift your entire approach. Feeling stuck in a low mood? Breathe. Controlled, rhythmic breathing resets your physiology. Need a boost? Have a quick conversation with someone who brings good energy. Connection rewires your state in seconds. Here's the catch: these shifts are so easy to do… and just as easy not to do. You might dismiss them as too simple to work. But try them—just once—and you'll see how quickly they create real change. You already influence the world around you. Why not do it deliberately and from your most powerful state? Resources & Next Steps: Need help becoming a more persuasive and impactful communicator? Book a strategy session with Dr. Ed Tori: InfluenceConsult.com Enjoy this episode? Share it with someone who needs a quick reset in their day. Want to grow your influence daily? Subscribe to the podcast and leave a review—it helps more than you know. Now, go out and influence for good. Every day.

Show Notes for Episode 043: Are Your Priorities Bass Ackwards? Welcome to The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori, where we focus on making every day better and influencing for good. Ever heard of putting the cart before the horse? In this episode, Dr. Tori tackles how we often get our priorities out of order and why that mindset might be holding us back. Dr. Tori shares a story about a friend who postponed learning leadership skills until after a promotion—only to realize that's putting things in the wrong order. Here's why you need to act first, invest in yourself, and create the conditions for success before expecting rewards. Key Takeaways Action Precedes Clarity: Waiting for circumstances to change before taking action is backward. Start moving, and the path becomes clear. Generosity Isn't About Wealth: Be generous now, not when you “have enough.” Giving early creates the habit of generosity. Leadership Begins Before the Title: You don't become humble or respected because of a position—you practice those traits to earn the position. Momentum Matters: Small actions create feedback loops. Once you're in motion, adjusting direction becomes easier. __________________________ Metaphors That Stick The Firewood Analogy: You have to put wood in the stove to get heat. Effort comes before reward. The Cart and Horse: Stop prioritizing the cart (results) over the horse (effort). It's all about doing things in the right order. __________________________ Self-Reflection Challenge Dr. Tori asks: Where might you be putting the cart before the horse in your life? Think about: Your career Your relationships Your personal growth Take action today to shift those priorities and set the right foundation for success. __________________________ Memorable Quote “Action is the shortest path to clarity. Invest in yourself. Put the wood in, and then you'll get the heat.” __________________________ Next Steps Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it. Ready to level up your influence and communication skills? Schedule a strategy call with Dr. Tori at InfluenceConsult.com. __________________________ Support the Show If you found value in today's episode: Rate and review the podcast. Share it with a friend. Explore the additional materials linked for deeper insights. Go forth and influence for good—every day. See you next time!

Episode 042 Blameworthy Modesty and Harmful Humility Host: Dr. Ed Tori, The Influence Every Day Show Episode Overview: Dr. Ed Tori explores the fine line between virtues and vices when it comes to humility and modesty. While often celebrated as noble traits, they can sometimes become counterproductive, leading to self-sabotage, missed opportunities, or harmful avoidance. Dr. Tori explains how to recognize when these virtues cross into vice and offers actionable strategies to strike the right balance. Key Topics: Defining Modesty and Humility: Modesty: An outward expression of minimizing self-importance, often shown in speech or actions. Humility: An inward attitude of self-awareness, acknowledging one's limitations without self-aggrandizement. When Virtues Cross the Line: False Modesty: Pretending to be modest to gain approval or manipulate others. Excess Modesty: Downplaying achievements to the point of self-sabotage or being undervalued. Misplaced Modesty: Being modest when assertiveness is necessary, such as failing to step up in leadership. Avoidant Modesty: Using modesty to avoid responsibility or accountability. Practical Insights: Recognize when humility or modesty is obstructing growth—personally, professionally, or organizationally. Advocate for yourself and your team while maintaining humility. Request resources, seek help, and assert your qualifications when appropriate. Memorable Quote: “Beware of times when humility or modesty is being used as an excuse for complacency or inaction.” Action Steps: Reflect on how humility and modesty show up in your life. Are they fostering growth or creating obstacles? Commit to striking a balance: Be humble, but don't undermine your value. Be modest, but don't avoid necessary action. Advocate for your contributions, whether in the workplace or in personal endeavors. Want More? Need help navigating these challenges or honing your influence and communication skills? Schedule a strategy call with Dr. Tori at InfluenceConsult.com. Support the Show: Enjoyed the episode? Share it with someone who would benefit from this insight! Don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to help us grow the community of those influencing for good. Let's Influence for Good—Every Day.

Episode 041 - Behavior Change: Beware of the Actual Slippery Slope The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Tori Small compromises often pave the way for major setbacks, particularly in the realm of personal growth and habit formation. This episode highlights the subtle yet powerful phenomenon of “deal-making” with oneself, exploring how justifications, limiting beliefs, and decision fatigue erode progress. Discover actionable strategies to resist these pitfalls, including: Recognizing and naming self-sabotaging deal-making behaviors. Designing environments to support your desired habits and disrupt unwanted ones. Leveraging tracking as a momentum-builder and feedback tool. Publicly committing to your goals with the right accountability partners. Learn how to make deliberate choices, break free from the cycle of self-compromise, and build lasting habits. Plus, hear why tracking your progress can be more reliable than your perception and how to ride the wave of motivation without letting fatigue derail you. Explore why minor deviations in goals and ethics often snowball and how to resist the slippery slope of concessions. Armed with these insights, you'll be better equipped to navigate challenges, maintain momentum, and influence your own behavior for lasting change. Pay It Forward: Share this episode with someone who could benefit from these insights and join the movement to influence for good, every day.

040 Time for a Bump... I Reminisce, I Reminisce Unlock the Secret to Deeper Connections: The Reminiscence Bump What if the key to transforming your most important relationships lies hidden in the science of memory? Between the ages of 10 and 30, your brain stored some of its most vivid and emotionally charged memories—a phenomenon known as the reminiscence bump. Understanding and applying this insight can help you deepen rapport, create unforgettable moments, and strengthen bonds with the people who matter most. In this episode, you'll uncover: The Power of Nostalgia in Relationships: Why reflecting on emotionally significant memories can forge stronger connections with loved ones—and how to do it intentionally. Why Ages 10 to 30 Matter: Learn why your most memorable moments cluster in this formative period and how to bring the emotional richness of those years into the present. Practical Tools for Connection: From recreating old photos to sharing nostalgic gifts, discover actionable strategies to create moments that feel deeply meaningful and personal. How Storytelling Builds Bridges Across Generations: Explore how sharing or eliciting reminiscence bump stories can foster understanding and bring family or friends closer. Applications Beyond Relationships: See how advertisers, filmmakers, therapists, and even caregivers use the reminiscence bump to connect with their audiences and clients—and how you can use these same principles in your everyday life. You'll also walk away with a step-by-step guide to using the reminiscence bump to create memorable milestones in the year ahead, helping you: Identify key opportunities to connect with important people in your life. Reflect on shared experiences or milestones that bring joy, nostalgia, or meaning. Translate those memories into intentional, impactful actions that strengthen your bonds. Why This Matters Connection is the currency of influence—and the reminiscence bump offers you a unique way to make interactions unforgettable. Whether it's through thoughtful gifts, meaningful conversations, or the creation of new firsts, you'll discover how to use the power of memory to show up for the people in your life in a way that truly resonates. When you tap into the emotional richness of nostalgia, you don't just reminisce—you transform relationships.

039 Responses vs Responsiveness Episode Summary Quick reactions might feel efficient, but are they building the trust and understanding you need in your personal and professional relationships? There's a powerful difference between responding and being truly responsive—and it can make or break how others perceive and connect with you. Explore how to move beyond reflexive replies to create meaningful, thoughtful interactions that deepen trust, reduce misunderstandings, and enhance collaboration. Key Takeaways: The Difference Between Responding and Being Responsive: Learn why a simple reply isn't enough and how responsiveness adds depth, care, and relational value to your communication. How Responsiveness Builds Trust and Connection: Discover how thoughtful interactions make others feel heard, valued, and respected—even in challenging situations. Why Timing Matters in Your Responses: Understand the balance between rapid replies and taking the space to think, adapt, and address needs beyond the immediate question. Practical Examples to Apply Right Away: Transform your responses from transactional to relational with easy-to-implement shifts in everyday conversations. Why Responsiveness Matters: Builds trust and reduces misunderstandings. Enhances collaboration and teamwork. Strengthens personal and professional relationships. Adds clarity, care, and context to your communication. Actionable Tips to Get Started: Pause before responding—use the space between stimulus and response to think deeply. Anticipate needs beyond the immediate question or request. Listen fully and validate the other person before sharing your own perspective. Practice responsive disagreements by maintaining respect, understanding, and boundaries. Make It Personal Every interaction is an opportunity to leave someone feeling seen and valued. Responsiveness is the skill that turns good communication into great relationships. Ready to elevate how you influence and connect? Take the next step: share this insight with someone who needs it and explore coaching opportunities to refine your communication skills at InfluenceConsult.com.

038 The Power of a Full-Body Wag – Changing Your State in Seconds Episode Summary What if a quick video or photo could instantly change your mood and help you show up as your best self? In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori explores the science behind personal mementos—like the photos and knickknacks some people keep on their desks—and why these items can reduce stress, boost productivity, and enhance emotional well-being. But in today's hybrid work world, where desks aren't always personal, Dr. Tori introduces a creative alternative: using your phone to anchor yourself with moments of joy. With real-life stories, including one of a dog's full-body wag, you'll discover simple yet powerful strategies to reset your state before meetings, conversations, or big presentations. What You'll Learn in This Episode • How personal photos and mementos influence stress and productivity. • The “pet effect” and why pets can help improve emotional well-being. • A simple, portable technique to change your state using your phone. • Inspiring examples of how small moments of joy transformed difficult situations. • Practical tips for applying this approach to your work and personal life. Episode Highlights • [01:10] Why personal items at work matter—and what the research says. • [03:30] The challenges of hybrid work and hotelling spaces. • [08:00] A social worker's story of using a dog video to reset before stressful moments. • [12:50] Dr. Tori's own experience changing his state before a keynote after personal loss. • [17:15] Simple ways to create your own “full-body wag” moments to use anytime. Join the Conversation Do you have a go-to video or photo that helps you reset your mood? Share your thoughts with Dr. Ed Tori on social media or with a friend who might benefit from this episode. If you found this episode helpful, please rate and review the show—it helps others discover the power of influence in everyday life!

Episode 037: A Pickup Artist, a Hypnotist, and a Social Psychologist Walk Into a Hospital Welcome to The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori, where we make every day better by influencing for good. Episode Summary: What happens when a pickup artist, a hypnotist, and a social psychologist join forces in a hospital? Dr. Tori shares the fascinating story of a “patient whisperer consult” on a cardiac surgery unit, where insights from these seemingly unrelated disciplines helped a patient on the road to recovery. This episode explores how principles of influence—like social proof and “it starts before it begins”—can be borrowed from diverse fields and applied to healthcare, parenting, leadership, and more. Dr. Tori reveals how combining these tools can transform communication and drive behavior change in meaningful ways. Whether you're helping a patient walk, guiding a child past fear, or building trust with a team, this episode is packed with actionable insights to help you influence for good. What You'll Learn in This Episode: • How a principle called “social proof” from pickup artistry helped a patient overcome hesitation and uncertainty. • Why the best conversations—and influence strategies—start long before the first words are spoken. • How to leverage lessons from conversational hypnotherapy, social psychology, and more to solve your “sticky problems.” • Real-world examples of influence in action, from hospital hallways to parenting moments. Key Quotes: • “Influence starts long before the conversation begins.” • “In a time of uncertainty, we do what the group does.” • “Your behavior influences others, even when you're not actively engaged.” Links & Resources: • Schedule an Influence Strategy Call with Dr. Tori • Book Mentioned: Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion by Dr. Robert Cialdini Take Action: If today's episode resonated with you, share it with someone who could benefit. Then take a moment to rate and review the show—it's free and the best way to help us grow! Ready to tackle your own sticky problem? Let Dr. Tori guide you to a solution with a strategy call. Go forth and influence for good. Every day.

Episode 036: The Opposite of Gratitude The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Episode Summary: In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori takes a counterintuitive look at gratitude by exploring its opposites and absences. While gratitude is often celebrated—especially during holidays and moments of reflection—its absence or opposites, such as resentment, hold lessons just as powerful. Dr. Tori dives deep into the corrosive nature of resentment, how it can quietly erode relationships, and why it often stems from unmet expectations or perceived injustices. He shares practical insights on identifying resentment, reframing our thoughts, and turning this festering emotion into an opportunity for self-awareness and growth. Key Takeaways: Resentment is often rooted in perceived injustices, unmet expectations, or misapplied meanings. It is corrosive, compounding over time and impacting relationships, self-perception, and even physical and emotional well-being. Left unchecked, resentment acts like a “festering abscess” that must be drained to restore harmony in relationships. However, resentment can also have a positive intent, revealing your core values, motivating change, and pushing you to address unmet needs or boundaries. Highlights from the Episode: The Absence of Gratitude: How it feels when our contributions go unrecognized or unacknowledged. Two Opposites of Gratitude: Entitlement (the expectation of receiving) and resentment (the bitterness that grows from perceived injustice). Why Resentment Compounds: “Where attention goes, energy flows—and that thing grows.” Practical Strategies to Address Resentment: Use curiosity to uncover the root of your resentment. Evaluate the story you're telling yourself about the situation. Ask, “What's my role in this?” while holding space for self-compassion. Common Triggers for Resentment: Unequal workloads, unreciprocated effort, unacknowledged sacrifices, and perceived favoritism. A Challenge for Listeners: As you gather with family, friends, or colleagues during this season, ask yourself: Do I feel resentment toward anyone in my circle? What's the root cause, and how can I address it constructively? Your relationships are too important to let resentment fester. Start the conversation, reframe the narrative, and influence for good. Closing Quote from Dr. Tori: “Resentment can reveal your values, motivate you to change, and push you to have the hard conversations—but left unchecked, it's an abscess that must be drained. Your relationships are too important to let resentment fester.”

Episode 035 – “Why Influence? Why Now?” Influence Every Day Show Host: Dr. Ed Tori Welcome to The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori! In this compelling episode, Dr. Tori explores the powerful why behind his mission to help good people influence for good. Drawing from decades of experience, heartwarming personal stories, and the ever-changing world around us, this episode is a call to action for anyone who values human connection. Episode Highlights: Lessons from the Edge of Life: What Dr. Tori learned during nine years on a cardiac surgery unit, where patients confronted their own mortality and reflected on the things that truly mattered—God, family, and how they treated others. The Eternal Constant: Amid rapid changes in technology, business, and society, the way we move and connect with people hasn't changed for thousands of years. Why this timeless skill matters now more than ever. Craving Connection in a Digital World: As virtual and artificial interactions dominate our lives, the hunger for authentic, human-to-human relationships grows stronger. Dr. Tori's Journey: A unique 24-year exploration of influence across disciplines—from magicians and marketers to hypnotherapists and game designers—and how these lessons are now shaping a movement to influence for good. Why “Winging It” Isn't Enough: How being deliberate and intentional in our communication can elevate our meetings, conversations, and relationships to create lasting, meaningful impact. A Challenge for You: Take the first step toward skilling up in influence and interpersonal communication to ensure your actions reflect your values—today and at the end of your life. Key Quote: “At the end of our lives, we will reflect on how we treated others. So let's get really good at it. I can help you skill up to influence for good, in a way that lasts.” Links and Resources: Explore the Influence Book Club: Quickly learn the most impactful lessons and skills from the best books on influence and communication. Learn more here. Connect with Dr. Tori and discover resources to help you influence for good every day. If you found value in this episode, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Rate, review, and subscribe to the show—your support helps spread the mission to influence for good. Now, go forth and influence for good. Every day.

Episode 034: The Nobel Prize for Pattern Interrupts Welcome to The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori! In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori explores the transformative power of pattern interrupts and how they can inspire profound change in our lives. Using the compelling story of Alfred Nobel reading his own obituary—“The Merchant of Death is Dead”—Dr. Tori illustrates how a single shocking moment can pivot a life's purpose. If you've ever driven somewhere and realized you don't remember the journey or laughed at an unexpected punchline, you've experienced the power of patterns—and the interruptions that break them. What You'll Learn in This Episode The story behind Alfred Nobel's life-changing moment and how it led to the Nobel Prizes. The role of pattern interrupts in commanding attention, sparking discovery, and fostering memorable learning experiences. How patterns influence our biases, attention, and behavior—and why mastering them is essential for influence. The connection between humor, learning, and personal growth through pattern-breaking moments. Practical ways to identify which patterns in your life need a reset to create meaningful, lasting change. Key Insights from This Episode Attention and Learning: Pattern interrupts command attention and act as a precursor to impactful learning and personal discovery. The Power of Emotion: Shocking or emotional moments are more likely to stick in our memory and inspire action. Influence through Patterns: Recognizing, managing, and breaking patterns is a vital skill for anyone seeking to influence for good. Thought-Provoking Questions What patterns in your life are keeping you stuck? How can you create a deliberate pattern interrupt to drive growth, change, or new insights? What would you discover about yourself if you disrupted your routine in a meaningful way? Pay It Forward If today's episode inspired you, share it with someone who needs a little nudge to break out of their patterns. Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and review the show to help others discover The Influence Every Day Show! More Resources Join the Influence Book Club: Dive deeper into influence and communication with curated books and expert-led discussions. Explore additional materials and links from this episode to take your influence, impact, and relationships to the next level. Now go forth and influence for good—every day.

Episode 033 - "Remarkable" In today's episode of The Influence Every Day Show, Dr. Ed Tori explores the power of recognizing the remarkable actions of others. When we notice someone doing something extraordinary, we face a choice: stay silent, acknowledge it internally, or truly amplify it. Dr. Tori delves into one of his seven simple rules of influence—to remark about the remarkables (to a third party). Sharing compliments with someone important to the person being praised can have profound ripple effects, building rapport across relationships and reinforcing positive behaviors. Key Takeaways: Choosing to See Remarkable: Recognizing exceptional actions and taking a moment to truly appreciate them. Public vs. Private Acknowledgment: Deciding when to praise someone directly or in a group setting and why both matter. The Third-Party Compliment: Building rapport by telling someone important about a person's good deeds. This amplifies the effect, as the message is shared without an agenda and often reaches back to the individual. Spread Good Gossip: Not only does this improve rapport, but it can inspire others to act in kind, creating a culture of positive influence. Quote of the Episode: "If somebody does something remarkable, remark about it. Seth Godin said, ‘Remarkable is a choice.' Let's honor that choice by sharing their actions with others.” Who can you recognize today? Tell someone important to them, and watch the influence unfold. For more insights and a community dedicated to honing influence skills, visit InfluenceBookClub.com.

Episode 032: Credit Is Infinitely Divisible Have you ever worked with someone who never gave credit where it was due? How did it feel? In this episode, we dive into a powerful idea: Credit is infinitely divisible. Sharing credit doesn't take anything away from you—it only strengthens your team, your relationships, and your reputation. What You'll Learn: Why Giving Credit is Essential: Discover how giving credit fosters trust, motivation, and collaboration within any group. Common Pitfalls to Avoid: Learn about the biggest mistakes people make when giving credit—from insincerity to over-crediting—and how these missteps can undermine your impact. Practical Tips for Effective Recognition: Get actionable strategies for giving credit that is sincere, specific, and impactful. Learn when to give credit publicly, when to offer it privately, and why the “invisible” contributions are often the most important to acknowledge. Key Moments: The Power of Sincere Credit: Why recognizing others for their genuine contributions can transform your leadership and inspire others. Common Mistakes in Credit-Giving: We'll discuss how being vague, giving credit too late, or over-crediting can hurt more than help. Examples You Can Apply: From the workplace to everyday situations, discover simple ways to acknowledge and motivate those around you. Why It Matters: Credit is more than just acknowledgment—it's a tool for cultivating a culture of trust, gratitude, and collaboration. By the end of this episode, you'll be inspired to share credit generously, making a lasting positive impact on those you work with and lead. Take Action: After listening, think about someone who deserves credit today. Take a moment to pull them aside, express your gratitude, and let them know the specific ways they've made a difference. Tune in, and learn why giving credit is a leadership superpower that you can use every day. Links Mentioned in the Episode: Influence Every Day Podcast Episodes Join the Influence Book Club Subscribe & Leave a Review If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe and leave a review!

Episode 031 - Sometimes…Actions Think Louder Than Thoughts The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori Episode Overview: In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori dives into an unconventional but powerful perspective on change: that actions can shape our thoughts, sometimes more profoundly than the reverse. While many self-help messages focus on shifting our mindset to drive behavior, Dr. Tori explores the overlooked approach of using action as a catalyst for internal transformation. Drawing on insights from thought leaders like Amy Cuddy, William James, and Robert Cialdini, this episode reveals why small, intentional actions may be the key to lasting growth in influence, leadership, and personal development. What You'll Learn: The Power of Action-Driven Change: Discover why shifting your actions can have a ripple effect on your thoughts, emotions, and even beliefs, challenging the traditional “thoughts-first” approach. Key Influence Insights: Learn from research and insights on how commitment and consistency influence belief formation (Leon Festinger), the role of body language in state management, and the science behind power poses. Practical Application: Get a glimpse into Dr. Tori's Influence Book Club, a community designed to help people transform insights from top influence and communication books into real, practiced skills. Practical Tools for State Management: Explore Dr. Tori's resource, “101 Ways to Manage Your State,” which provides actionable strategies to help you take control of your mental and emotional state. Access it at DrTori.com/101. Action as Habit-Building: Understand Aristotle's wisdom on habit and excellence—why repeated behaviors define us more than occasional good intentions. Memorable Quotes: “Sometimes, action thinks louder than thoughts.” “If you want to change your life, don't wait for your mindset to shift. Start with the action, and let your thoughts catch up.” “We become what we think, yes—but also what we repeatedly do.” Key Takeaways: Embrace the Behavior-First Approach: By changing your actions, you can influence your mental and emotional state in powerful ways. Smiling, adopting power poses, and managing your body language can change how you feel, not just how others see you. Consistency Builds Commitment: As seen in Festinger's theory of cognitive dissonance, our actions often strengthen our beliefs and commitment. Taking even small steps in a particular direction can align our mindset over time. Join a Like-Minded Community: In the Influence Book Club, Dr. Tori not only helps others grow in their influence skills but puts action at the forefront, ensuring that members implement what they learn to create lasting impact in their communication and relationships. Connect With the Influence Community: If you're ready to dive deeper into actionable influence skills, join the Influence Book Club at InfluenceBookClub.com. Be part of a community that translates knowledge into impactful behaviors, transforming influence from theory to practice. Listener Challenge: Think of one small action you can take today to influence your mindset. Strike a power pose, put on a smile, or take one step toward a long-term goal. Notice the shift that a single behavior can have on your thoughts and emotions. Don't Forget to Rate and Share! If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and share it with someone who needs a boost in influence. Every recommendation helps grow our community of people committed to influencing for good.

Episode 030: Networking - Don't Work the Room, Do This Instead Welcome back to The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori! In this episode, Dr. Tori breaks down the common misconception of “working the room” at networking events and shares his refreshing, service-oriented approach instead. He recalls a conversation with a colleague who admired his networking skills but was surprised when Dr. Tori revealed that he doesn't actually work the room—he serves it. Instead of focusing on what he can gain, Dr. Tori looks for people who are uncomfortable and makes it his mission to help them feel at ease. This mindset of genuine service creates natural, meaningful connections and builds rapport effortlessly. Dr. Tori also delves into the concept of “hypnotic gifts” from the world of conversational hypnotherapy, showing how small, intentional interactions can spark life-changing moments for others. By gamifying his approach to serving others, Dr. Tori turns every interaction—whether at a networking event, in line at the grocery store, or at the dinner table—into an opportunity to practice and improve his influence skills. Key Takeaways: Serve, Don't Network: The key difference is intent—focus on helping others without expecting anything in return. Look for the Uncomfortable: Seek out people who feel out of place and make it your mission to make them feel comfortable. Gamify Your Influence: Approach every interaction as an opportunity to practice and improve your influence skills. Give Hypnotic Gifts: Leave people with something valuable—an idea, a frame, or a question that can transform their perspective or life. This episode will shift the way you think about networking and leave you with actionable strategies to create meaningful connections while elevating your influence. Next time you're at a networking event, don't ask yourself, “Who can benefit me?” Instead, ask, “Who can I serve?” Resources Mentioned: Check out The Influence Playbook membership for leveling up your influence skills: InfluenceBookClub.com Pay It Forward Enjoyed today's episode? Share it with someone who needs to hear this! Don't forget to rate and review The Influence Every Day Show. Your feedback helps us reach and influence more people for good. Now, go out and influence for good—every day.

Episode 029: If You Want To Be Engaging… Bounce The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori In this episode of The Influence Every Day Show, Dr. Ed Tori reveals a powerful technique to keep your audience engaged, whether you're giving a keynote, leading a meeting, or having a one-on-one conversation: bouncing. Based on his decades of experience in influence and communication, Dr. Tori explains how varying your pace, tone, stories, and emotional energy can make time fly for your audience—leaving them captivated and wanting more. Drawing insights from a recent talk at the Lesher Center for the Arts, where public speakers praised his ability to shift from calm storytelling to rapid-fire slides, Dr. Tori explains how bouncing between different emotional and intellectual spaces can create an unforgettable experience. Key Takeaways: The Power of Bouncing: Engaging speakers shift between emotional, energetic, and even physical spaces, creating dynamic experiences for their audiences. Varying Your Pace: High energy isn't the only tool. Shifting between high energy and calm moments, fast speech and pauses, keeps people hooked. Storytelling Mastery: Varying the stories you tell and the emotions your audience experiences within those stories enhances engagement. Engagement vs. Predictability: When your audience knows what's coming next, their attention drifts. Keep them engaged by breaking predictable patterns. Influence Everywhere: Whether you're speaking on stage, leading a virtual presentation, or having a casual conversation, bouncing is a surefire way to captivate your listeners. If you've ever struggled to keep people engaged, this episode will help you break free from the monotony and turn every conversation or presentation into a dynamic experience. Dr. Tori also touches on professional insights for public speakers and storytellers, referencing a mini-course he created for his Capstone students (DrTori.com/capstone) and how professionals can make their presentations memorable. Additional Resources: Influence Book Club: Learn the most impactful lessons from the best books on influence and communication. Join the community today! Connect with Dr. Tori: DM him on social channels or reach out through AskDrTori.com If you enjoyed today's episode, don't forget to share it, leave a review, and check out the additional

Episode 028: Parents Crying in the Hair Salon – Wait... What?! The Influence Every Day Show with Dr. Ed Tori In this compelling episode, Dr. Tori dives deep into an unexpected revelation shared by a hairdresser: parents are increasingly shedding tears while watching their children in the hairdresser's chair. What's causing these tears? The answer may surprise you: it's not the haircut—it's the rare moment of uninterrupted eye contact between parent and child. Dr. Tori explores the profound implications of this moment, especially in a world where digital devices dominate our attention. He shares insights on how technology has shifted not just our work but also our relationships, and how we can combat the disconnection it creates by being deliberate in our interactions. Key Takeaways: Small talk as a powerful tool: How a simple analogy of a hallway full of doors can transform your conversations. Hairdressers and barbers as master conversationalists: Discover how their environment lends itself to deep human connection. The heartbreaking reason parents are crying: A shift in family dynamics caused by the omnipresence of screens and the lost art of eye contact. Technology's impact on relationships: Learn why it's essential to be intentional with our communication in an age of scrolling and distractions. The power of deliberate listening: How to recognize conversation gateways and avoid missing crucial moments with loved ones. Memorable Quote: "In the midst of a sea of rapid change, we should get really good at what doesn't change—how to influence others, how to build rapport, and how to cultivate deep relationships with those who matter most." Action Step: Take a moment today to put down your device and make meaningful eye contact with someone you care about. Be deliberate in your conversations and listen with intention. --- Support the Show: If you found this episode impactful, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Remember, the Influence Every Day podcast is free, and we don't run ads. Your support in spreading the word helps us continue sharing this message and influencing for good. Learn More: Want to master influence and communication? Dr. Tori has already distilled the best lessons for you. Join the *Influence Book Club* and take your skills to the next level! Check it out at [InfluenceBookClub.com]. Check out Dr. Tori's explanation of TING (the Chinese word "to listen") - just look at the symbol, it will change your interactions... maybe forever. [DrTori.com/ting] Rate & Review: Love the show? Please take a moment to rate and review it. Your feedback helps us reach more people and continue to share valuable insights. --- Go forth and influence for good. Every day.

How a Crime Scene Can Transform Your Relationships Host: Dr. Ed Tori Podcast: Influence Every DayEpisode: 027 Episode Summary: In this episode, Dr. Ed Tori explores how a key forensic principle—Locard's Principle, also known as the "exchange principle"—can radically change the way we view our relationships. Locard's Principle teaches that "every contact leaves a trace," a concept used in solving crimes, but Dr. Tori applies it to our everyday interactions. Whether you're at home, at work, or in your community, every interaction leaves an emotional or psychological trace on the people around you. Dr. Tori breaks down how positive and negative traces build over time, shaping the "body of evidence" that defines your relationships. He challenges listeners to "stop winging it" and start being more intentional with their interactions, noting that even small moments can have lasting impact. From acts of kindness to handling conflicts with care, how you "clean up" the emotional debris left behind matters deeply in maintaining healthy relationships. --- Key Takeaways: Every contact leaves a trace: Much like forensic evidence at a crime scene, every interaction—whether positive or negative—leaves an emotional and psychological imprint. Emotional debris: Negative interactions, such as conflict, anger, or dishonesty, leave behind emotional debris that accumulates over time if not addressed. How you clean up this debris, through apologies and behavioral change, is crucial to the health of relationships. Positive traces: Acts of kindness, active listening, and creating environments of psychological safety leave behind positive traces that build trust and connection. Intentional interactions: Stop winging it! Be deliberate about the traces you leave behind in your relationships, at work, and in your community. Every moment is an opportunity to leave a lasting, positive impact. Building a body of evidence: Over time, your actions contribute to a "body of evidence" that defines your character in the eyes of others. What kind of evidence are you leaving behind? --- Memorable Quotes: "Every contact leaves a trace. Will that change how you behave at work, at home, or in your community?" "We're leaving emotional and psychological traces, often without even realizing it." "Negative interactions leave behind emotional debris. Are you cleaning it up, or piling more onto the mess?" "Your relationships are too important to wing it. Be intentional about the traces you leave behind." --- Actionable Tips: Reflect on the emotional traces you're leaving in your daily interactions. Are they positive or negative Repair any negative traces by apologizing sincerely and changing your behavior moving forward. Be intentional with your next interaction—whether it's at work, with family, or in public—what kind of trace will you leave behind? Build positive evidence: Create an environment of psychological safety, actively listen, and perform small acts of kindness to strengthen your relationships. --- Resources: Learn more about influence and communication at Dr. Tori's Influence Book Club: InfluenceBookClub.com Explore Dr. Tori's resources on becoming more intentional in your interactions: DrTori.com 00:00 Introduction to Locard's Principle 01:01 Applying Locard's Principle to Daily Interactions 01:46 Unseen Traces in Our Interactions 03:49 Negative Interactions and Emotional Debris 05:33 Positive Interactions and Building Evidence 07:39 The Impact of Media and Environment 08:24 Conclusion: Be Intentional with Your Interactions

Influence Every Day - Episode 026: Influence is Inert, But It's Never Neutral Episode Summary: In this thought-provoking episode, Dr. Ed Tori delves into the often misunderstood concept of influence, challenging the common perception that intentional influence is inherently manipulative or deceitful. Drawing from over 20 years of studying influence across various domains, Dr. Tori argues that influence itself is a neutral tool, neither good nor bad, but it's never neutral in its effects. He emphasizes the moral duty to influence others deliberately for the greater good, especially in roles such as parents, teachers, healthcare providers, and community leaders. Key Takeaways: Influence as a Tool: Influence is inherently neutral, but how it's used determines its ethical standing. It can be wielded for good or for ill, but it's never passive—every action or inaction has an influence. The Social Contract: Dr. Tori explains that ethical influence aligns with the social contract inherent in roles like parenting, teaching, and healthcare. Violating this contract, whether through deceit or self-serving intentions, crosses the line into manipulation. Intentional Influence: To counteract the pervasive influence of powerful industries like fast food, tobacco, and entertainment, those who aim to do good must be equally deliberate in their influence efforts. Being intentional, rather than “winging it,” is crucial. Call to Action: Dr. Tori urges listeners to embrace their duty to influence positively, whether in personal relationships, professional roles, or broader societal interactions. He stresses the importance of deliberate, thoughtful influence in everyday actions. Discussion Points: The ethical dilemmas surrounding influence and the common objections people have. How influence has the power to improve all aspects of relationships when applied ethically. The responsibility of influence in various roles—whether as a parent, teacher, or leader—and how it must align with the social contract. The contrast between the deliberate, well-funded influence of industries and the often unintentional influence exerted by individuals. Quotes from the Episode: "Influence is inert, meaning it is neither good nor bad. It's a tool, and you can use it for good, and you can use it for bad. But here's the thing—it's never neutral." "You have a duty to influence. And so, stop winging it. Be deliberate and serve. Influence for good." Actionable Advice: Reflect on the roles you play in life and the inherent social contracts associated with them. Commit to being deliberate in your influence, whether in personal conversations, professional interactions, or public communications. Consider the broader impact of your influence—are you countering the negative influences of large industries or inadvertently allowing them to win? 00:00 Introduction: The Influence Problem 00:28 Personal Journey: Discovering the Power of Influence 01:41 The Dark Side of Influence 02:37 The Duty to Influence Positively 03:31 Influence is Never Neutral 04:18 The Social Contract and Ethical Boundaries 08:14 The Importance of Intentional Influence 10:11 Conclusion: Be Deliberate, Influence for Good

Your Planning is More Important Than Your Plan Episode Summary: In this episode of the Influence Every Day show, Dr. Ed Tori dives into the critical difference between having a plan and the act of planning. Inspired by famous quotes from Mike Tyson and Prussian Field Marshal Helmut von Moltke, Dr. Tori explores why plans often fail when they meet reality, and why planning— the ongoing process of adapting and adjusting— is where true success lies. Through relatable examples from first responders, difficult conversations, and dynamic environments, Dr. Tori emphasizes that the real value is in the process of preparing, not just in having a plan. Whether it's managing an emergency, navigating a tough discussion, or dealing with complex organizations, it's the continuous process of planning that primes us for success. Key Takeaways: Planning vs. Plans: Planning is an active, dynamic process that prepares you for what you're about to face. Plans are static and need continuous assessment and adjustment. The Power of Priming: In influence and communication, planning acts as priming. It prepares your mindset, physiology, and skillset for the dynamic and nuanced situations you will encounter. Scenario-Based Training: Just like first responders, practicing different scenarios prepares you for unexpected outcomes, helping you to respond effectively under pressure. Emotional and Sensory Preparation: Planning includes preparing emotionally and sensorially for various outcomes. Visualization and emotional anchoring can help you remain adaptable and maintain a healthy response. Embrace Flexibility: Focus less on perfecting your plans and more on building the ability to adapt in real time. A flexible mindset allows you to navigate dynamic situations without being derailed by unexpected changes. Actionable Insights: Engage in Scenario-Based Training: Regularly practice different scenarios to improve your adaptability in real-life situations. Visualize Success and Challenges: Use visualization to prime yourself for different emotional and sensory experiences you might face. Embrace the Planning Process: Spend more time planning and less time perfecting static plans. Be prepared to adjust and adapt on the fly. 00:00 Introduction: Mike Tyson's Famous Quote 00:36 Contradictory Sayings: Planning vs. Reality 01:23 The Importance of Planning as a Verb 02:14 Dynamic Nature of Plans 03:43 First Responders and Dynamic Situations 04:27 Difficult Conversations: Plans vs. Planning 05:33 Scenario-Based Training and Emotional Preparation 07:27 Conclusion: Focus on Adaptability

Episode 024: Are You Corrupting Your Intentions? Welcome back to the Influence Every Day show with Dr. Ed Tori, where we make every day better by influencing for good. Episode Summary: Are your intentions as pure as you think, or are you unknowingly corrupting them? In this thought-provoking episode, Dr. Tori challenges the common perception of intentions and dives deep into how they can shape your character, influence, and relationships. Intentions are not just about what happens before you act; they linger long after the actions are taken. Dr. Tori emphasizes the importance of setting noble intentions and maintaining their purity over time and across different contexts. He explores how boasting, bitterness, or inconsistent behavior can taint even the most well-meaning intentions, ultimately affecting your influence on others. Key Takeaways: Pre-event Check: Before pursuing a goal or taking action, ask yourself: “Are my intentions pure? Are they noble?” Post-event Reflection: Intentions don't end when the goal is achieved. Beware of corrupting them by bragging or shifting your motivations. Consistency Over Time: Keep your intentions consistent, even when circumstances change or when facing adversity. Congruence Across Contexts: Manage your intentions across different situations—whether it's a change in job, relationships, or personal setbacks. Influence and Integrity: Noble, consistent, and congruent intentions create a magnetic influence that others can sense and respect, often without a word being said. Action Steps: Be Deliberate About Your Intentions: Before and after pursuing a goal, take a moment to examine the purity of your intentions. Maintain Consistency: Strive to keep your intentions aligned over time, regardless of changes in context. Avoid Bragging: Celebrate your achievements without diminishing the purity of your original motives. Stay Positive: Even when things don't go as planned, uphold the intentions you started with, and avoid letting negativity corrupt them. Join the Influence Book Club: Quickly learn the most impactful lessons and skills from the best books on influence and communication. Join a community of like-minded individuals striving to improve their influence every day. Learn more at InfluenceBookClub.com Closing Thoughts: Are you corrupting your intentions? It's time to be deliberate. Reflect, refine, and align your intentions with your actions. Keep them pure and consistent, and watch how it transforms your influence and relationships. Share this episode with someone who needs to hear it, and help us spread the message of influencing for good. Subscribe, Rate, and Review:Enjoying the Influence Every Day podcast? Take a moment to subscribe, rate, and review the show. Your support helps us grow and continue to provide value. Go forth and influence for good—every day! 00:00 Introduction: Are You Corrupting Your Intentions? 00:25 Setting Intentions: Before the Action 01:30 Purifying Your Intentions: The Why Behind Your Actions 02:09 The Impact of Noble Intentions on Character 02:38 Corrupting Intentions: The Dangers of Pride and Bragging 05:29 Consistency in Intentions: Across Time and Contexts 07:42 The Power of Deliberate Intentions on Influence 08:34 Conclusion: Be Deliberate with Your Intentions Learn more about Dr. Tori's distilled insights on influence and communication at InfluenceBookClub.com

Episode 023: The Subconscious Simmer - Sometimes Stepping Away Is The Most Efficient Next Step Host: Dr. Ed ToriPodcast: Influence Every Day Episode Summary: In this enlightening episode of the Influence Every Day podcast, Dr. Ed Tori dives into the concept of the "Subconscious Simmer." Have you ever had a Eureka moment in the shower, while driving, or just as you're about to fall asleep? Dr. Tori explains that these moments of sudden clarity and creativity often occur during what he refers to as "trance states"—times when your subconscious mind is hard at work making connections beneath the surface. Dr. Tori discusses how stepping away from a problem or task—whether it's taking a walk, gazing at the ocean, or simply letting an idea simmer—can be the most efficient next step in solving complex problems. He illustrates this with examples like Albert Einstein's approach to problem-solving and the story of how the design of bullet trains was inspired by a simple observation in nature. But it's not all about the positive. Dr. Tori also warns about the flip side: the negative effects of subconscious simmering when our brains are filled with unhealthy or irrelevant information. He emphasizes the importance of controlling your inputs, especially during these trance states, to avoid the “anti-Eureka” moments of anxiety and fear. Key Takeaways: Subconscious Simmer: Your brain continues working on problems subconsciously, making important connections even when you're not actively thinking about them. Trance States: These are natural states we enter throughout the day, such as when we're absorbed in a book, lost in thought, or simply watching the waves. These states are critical for deep subconscious processing. Stepping Away: Sometimes the most efficient step in problem-solving is to step away, allowing your subconscious to work its magic. Negative Inputs: Be mindful of what you expose your brain to, especially during trance states. Passive consumption of negative or irrelevant content can lead to anxiety and hinder creative problem-solving. Actionable Advice: Deliberate Simmering: Before jumping into action on a new idea or problem, take some time to let it simmer. Step away and return to it later with a fresh perspective. Control Your Inputs: Protect your subconscious by being selective about the information and environments you expose yourself to, particularly during times of high suggestibility. Next Steps: Share the Episode: Who in your network needs to hear this message? Share the episode with them! Rate and Review: Enjoyed today's insights? Take a moment to rate and review the podcast. Explore More: Check out the additional resources and links provided to further enhance your influence, impact, and relationships. --- Listen to this episode and more on your favorite podcast platform, and remember to influence for good every day. 00:00 Introduction: Lost in the Moment 01:17 Understanding the Subconscious Simmer 01:47 The Power of Trance States 02:22 Deliberate Subconscious Simmering 03:57 Eureka Moments and Subconscious Processing 08:14 Negative Inputs and Their Impact 10:35 Conclusion: Embrace the Subconscious Simmer P.S. Want to dive deeper into the best books on influence and communication? Dr. Tori has distilled them all for you at InfluenceBookClub.com. P.P.S. Here's a related book I recommend

Episode Title: 022 Psychological Safety - A Common Mistake for New Leaders Welcome to the Influence Every Day show with Dr. Ed Tori, where we make every day better by influencing for good. In this episode, Dr. Tori delves into a crucial aspect of psychological safety and highlights a common mistake made by new leaders. Key Points: 1. Brief Touch On Psychological Safety: Dr. Tori revisits the concept of psychological safety, previously discussed in the context of body language and listening. Emphasizes the importance of creating environments where it's safe to speak up, whether in high-risk professions, homes, or any group setting. 2. The Importance of Vulnerability: New leaders are often advised to demonstrate or model vulnerability to foster psychological safety. The common mistake: Leaders telling stories where they are the hero, even in their moments of vulnerability. 3. Effective Vulnerability: True vulnerability involves yielding to others' opinions or actions. The best stories of vulnerability highlight others as the heroes, showcasing how someone else helped or guided the leader through a challenge - to express appreciation for them coming forward and illustrating the positive impact of doing so. 4. Practical Advice: When preparing to share a story of vulnerability, ensure that the focus is on others' contributions, not on self-glorification. Reflect on your stories to check to see if you are inadvertently positioning yourself as the hero. Final Thoughts: Dr. Tori wraps up the episode with a reminder to consider who needs to hear this message and to share it with them. He encourages listeners to rate and review the show, check out additional links and materials, and learn more about his curated collection of influential books at InfluenceBookClub.com. Go forth and influence for good, every day! Additional Resources: InfluenceBookClub.com - Explore the best books on influence and communication. Previous episodes on psychological safety and body language. Call to Action: If you found this episode helpful, share it with someone who could benefit from it. Remember, telling others is the best way to pay it forward and help spread the message of positive influence. Connect with Dr. Tori: Connect with Dr. Tori on LinkedIn Follow Dr. Tori on Instagram Subscribe to the Influence Every Day podcast Call, text, chat, or even have a video call with Dr. Tori's Influence AI --- Remember to influence for good, every day!

Episode 021 - "Nothing Artificial About AI Improving Our Communication Skills" In this episode, Dr. Tori explores the intriguing intersection between artificial intelligence and authentic human interaction. As the world becomes increasingly virtual and artificial, our desire for genuine, sincere, and authentic human connections grows. Dr. Tori believes that AI can enhance these interactions, and he shares five practical ways to use AI to improve public speaking, relationships, leadership, and communication skills. Key Takeaways: Here are 5 uses for AI in preparation for talks, workshops, difficult conversations, and other interactions. Create a Glossary: Dr. Tori uses AI to generate a glossary of terms specific to the audience he is addressing. This helps him understand the language and nuances of his audience, fostering better rapport and connection. Identify Challenges and Opportunities: By asking AI for the current challenges and opportunities faced by his audience, Dr. Tori gains insights that enable him to address their needs and deepen his connection with them. Understand Potential Objections: Dr. Tori uses AI to anticipate objections his audience might have to his topic, allowing him to address these objections early and maintain audience engagement. Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) and Should Ask Questions (SAQs): AI helps Dr. Tori generate a list of FAQs and should ask questions relevant to his topic, ensuring he addresses key concerns and provides valuable information. Recognize Limiting Beliefs and Their Underlying False Assumptions: Dr. Tori uses AI to identify the limiting beliefs and false assumptions held by his audience. By addressing these beliefs, he can offer perspective-shifting, life-changing insights. AI Clone Experience: Dr. Tori shares an unexpected discovery: his AI clone, available at DrTori.ai, enhances rapport with his audience. Interacting with the AI clone before meeting Dr. Tori in person creates a deeper connection and appreciation among his audience members. Influence Book Club: Join the Influence Book Club at InfluenceBookClub.com. With each book we cover, Dr. Tori provides AI prompts for members to ask generative AI tools, helping them refine their skills and improve relationships, interactions, and leadership. Additional Resources: Visit DrTori.com/speaker to book Dr. Tori for speaking engagements Interact with Dr. Tori's AI clone at DrTori.ai or Delphi.ai/edtori/ Join the Influence Book Club at InfluenceBookClub.com Go forth and influence for good. Every day.

Your Professional Jargon Doesn't Work - Sell Snake Oil Instead Harnessing Persuasion: Lessons from the Snake Oil Game In this episode, Dr. Tori recounts a playful yet powerful personal experience with a game called Snake Oil. The game, known for its fun and creativity, becomes a surprising tool for teaching influence and persuasive communication. Dr. Tori narrates how he turned this game into a workshop to help others learn about persuasive speech patterns and communication strategies. Participants of the workshop gain insights into the automatic rapport-building and creative thinking that happens during the game. The episode explores the contrast between game-time creativity and professional communication, encouraging professionals to bring this playful, tailored approach into their work settings. Additionally, Dr. Tori highlights the benefit of creating a fun learning environment and how this can enhance retention and application of new skills. 00:00 Introduction: The Unfair Game 00:23 The History of Snake Oil 02:01 How to Play Snake Oil 03:55 Turning the Game into a Workshop 04:55 Lessons from the Workshop 08:49 The Power of Play in Learning 10:03 Conclusion and Invitation Additional Links: Influence Book Club: InfluenceBookClub.com Book Dr. Tori to speak at your next event: DrTori.com/speaker

Episode 019 - The Whole TING - Are You Actually Listening? Explore the profound significance of truly listening through the lens of the Chinese word "TING." TING encapsulates a deep, multi-faceted approach to listening. Each component of TING is broken down to show how it can transform personal and professional relationships. Introduction to TING: The Chinese word TING, meaning "to listen," is introduced. Its intricate components, each represented by different pictographs, are explained to offer a rich framework for enhancing listening skills. Components of TING: Hear: The top-left pictograph represents hearing, emphasizing the importance of not just hearing words but also tone, pace, and changes in voice. Think: Below "hear," this pictograph encourages thinking about the speaker's message and context, rather than preparing a response. Be Present: This element stresses the necessity of being fully present in the moment, experiencing the conversation as it unfolds. See: The pictograph resembling eyeglasses highlights the significance of observing non-verbal cues like body language and micro-expressions. Focus: This part reminds to stay focused, avoiding distractions and truly engaging with the speaker. Feel: The heart-shaped pictograph represents empathy, urging the importance of feeling what the other person is feeling and being aware of one's own emotions. Practical Application: Practical tips are shared on how to apply the principles of TING in everyday conversations, making one a better listener, communicator, and leader. Influence Book Club: An introduction to the Influence Book Club, a resource for learning and applying the best lessons from books on influence, communication, and relationships. Visit [InfluenceBookClub.com](https://influencebookclub.com) for more details. Resources: Additional resources and interactive worksheets on TING are available at DrTori.com/ting to help deepen understanding and practice of effective listening. Additional Links: Influence Book Club: InfluenceBookClub.com Dr. Tori's TING Resources: DrTori.com/ting - multiple resources here for you - worksheets, a 7-day bucket list TING challenge, a video walk-through, and more. Tune in to become a better listener and leader, and learn how to truly influence for good, every day.

Patience: Passively Wait or Actively Prepare? The power of being patience has been hiding in another language. You see, patience isn't just waiting. In this episode, Dr. Tori explores the concept of patience, contrasting its typical interpretation in English as passive endurance with its more active and anticipatory nature in the Arabic word 'Sabr'. Dr. Tori delves into how understanding and redefining patience can shift our worldview and impact our actions. By examining the root meanings of words from different languages, the episode emphasizes that patience involves preparation, taking the right action at the best time, and skill building rather than passive waiting. Dr. Tori encourages listeners to actively engage in self-improvement, seek advice, and prepare for future actions as part of practicing true patience. The discussion concludes with a call to share the insights from the podcast and to continue influencing for good every day. 00:00 Introduction to the Influence Every Day Show00:31 Exploring the Power of Language and Word Origins01:07 Understanding Patience in English and Latin02:00 Discovering the Arabic Concept of Patience: Sabr03:31 The Active Nature of Patience and Anticipation04:06 Practical Applications of Active Patience04:16 Building Skills and Preparing for Action05:34 Patience in Career Building and Personal Growth06:55 The Influence of Language on Worldview07:17 Conclusion and Call to Action07:22 End of Show Notes and Now Go Share [PS - Guess what?! Dr. Tori has distilled the best books on influence and communication for you. Learn more here: InfluenceBookClub.com]

017 The Upside of Up-Inflection - Lack of Confidence or Deeper Connection? Host: Dr. Tori Podcast: Influence Every Day Theme: Dispelling myths about up-inflection in speech and exploring its nuanced implications in human interaction and influence. Dispelling Myths Tori addresses common misconceptions about vocal tones, especially the up-inflection, where the voice rises at the end of sentences as if posing a question. The discussion emphasizes the complexity and nuance of human interaction, cautioning against oversimplifying gestures or vocal patterns. Understanding Human Interaction Human behaviors and expressions are deeply influenced by internal states or responses to external circumstances, such as personal issues or environmental factors. The conversation highlights the importance of considering context in interactions, recognizing that people's responses may not always be directly related to the current conversation. The Nuance of Up-Inflection Contrary to popular belief, up-inflection is not inherently indicative of lack of confidence. While it can sometimes convey uncertainty, it can also be a powerful tool for engagement and listening. Tori argues that up-inflection, when used strategically, can facilitate deeper conversations and connections. Practical Application of Up-Inflection Case Study: A patient interaction demonstrates how up-inflection can be used to guide the conversation, encourage the sharing of more information, and deepen understanding. This approach allows the speaker to mirror the listener's words, turning them into open-ended questions without making assumptions or judgments. Benefits of Up-Inflection Encourages active listening and genuine engagement, allowing for a fuller understanding of the speaker's perspective. Fosters psychological safety, making it easier for individuals to share their thoughts and feelings. Can be particularly effective in professional settings, helping to maintain focus on the topic of discussion and facilitating problem-solving and rapport building. [ ***** InfluenceBookClub.com ***** ] Conclusion Up-inflection is a nuanced and multifaceted aspect of communication that, when used effectively, can enhance interpersonal interactions and influence. Listeners are encouraged to experiment with up-inflection in their conversations, paying attention to the context and the responses it elicits. Tori reminds the audience of the importance of staying open-minded and adaptive in communication strategies, recognizing the dynamic nature of human relationships. Call to Action Share your experiences with up-inflection and other communication strategies, fostering a community of learning and improvement in everyday influence. Additional Notes The episode challenges the audience to rethink and explore the subtleties of communication, emphasizing the importance of context, empathy, and strategic use of speech patterns in building stronger connections. [Are you ready to skyrocket your influence without overloading your busy schedule? Dr. Tori has distilled the best books on influence and communication for you AND he created a community around it: InfluenceBookClub.com ]

If You Stink At Video... Try Cologne?! (Episode 016) What if I told you that you could level up your performance in virtual meetings by wearing cologne or perfume?! This is Dr. Tori. Welcome to another episode of the Influence Every Day podcast. Today I want to talk to you about a study. [Van den Berghe, P. L., & Mace, R. (1987). The influence of fragrance on women's perceptions of men's physical attractiveness and personality. Ethology and Sociobiology, 8(3), 173-186.] In this study, 200 women were asked to rate men on their attractiveness. The men were rated when they were wearing cologne, and they were rated when they were not wearing cologne. And it turns out that they were rated as more attractive while wearing cologne. Here's the thing. Those men were on video. The cologne couldn't even be detected by the women. The men, themselves, were affected by the cologne. Their response to how they felt about themselves made them more attractive. THE most important rule of influence is to MANAGE YOUR STATE. Manage your state. So many things that depend on it your body language, your tone of voice, your pace of speech, how you establish rapport, if you even establish it with somebody, your performance at tasks, your memory, your learning, your recall, the stories available to you, etc All of these are state-dependent. There are lots of things that relate to and make up your state. It's not only mood and emotions. Are you tired? Do you have to use the bathroom? Is there something that is causing some sort of urgency? Like you have to be somewhere, somewhere? Or did you just leave an argument? You're physiologically still revved up from that argument. -----------Want to level-up your performance on video meetings or recordings?Check this out: Video Influence & Remote Rapport----------- 1975 WonderBra commercial. (referred to by my hypnotherapy teacher). “When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you look great.” When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you look great. Pay attention to that last part. “When you feel good, you look great.” That essentially sums up this study. The men were more attractive when they felt better about themselves, and in this case, cologne was the thing that made them feel better about themselves. It reflected in their body language and how they carried themselves. What will it take for you to feel good about yourself? Sometimes it's cologne or perfume. Sometimes it's the type of clothes you wear. Sometimes it's what happened in the hour before the thing, right? Sometimes it's whichever way you manage your state. Too often, though, we're winging it. Check in with yourself. What is my state now and what will it take for me to be in the optimum state for that thing I'm about to do? And in this case, logging in to a video meeting. If you have to put on perfume, put on cologne, do it. Test it out. Here's what I've done: I have created a PDF called 101 Ways to Manage Your State and you can download that at DrTori.com/101. -----------101 Ways To Manage Your State (PDF): https://www.drtori.com/101----------- You can download this PDF and just look at it. There are 101 ways there, but there are thousands more that exist to manage your state. Pick one and try it and see if that helps in your next interaction. Before you walk into that meeting, before you log into that meeting, before you walk into your home, before you greet your kids or your significant other, before you go in and ask a hard question or have a difficult conversation, try one of these things and see how you do. Be deliberate about managing your state, especially for things that are important to you. Go ahead. Download that PDF 101 Ways to Manage Your State (DrTori.com/101). If that one thing doesn't work for you, then try something else. If you've tried meditation and that doesn't work, try something else. If you tried journaling and that doesn't work, try something else. You've tried exercise, you try new things, and if those things aren't for you, try something else. It's tailored to you and it's up to you. Pay attention to your state before you go into things. Your state really matters to how the rest of the interaction goes. It sets the stage, so be deliberate about it Again: DrTori.com/101. I'll see you in the next episode. -----------101 Ways To Manage Your State (PDF): https://www.drtori.com/101-----------This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day. [ ***** If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ***** ]

Link Up & Level Up: Quick Start Behavior Change with Tethering There's something you want to change. There's an area in your life you want to grow in. For anything that you desire to change - a habit, an action, a behavior, or even a way of thinking or an emotional response to certain triggers - this one simple step can be incredibly high-yield. But What About Intentions? What About Motivation? Intentions are not plans. It's really common for us to hear an energizing and motivating talk and think, "OK, this is it. I'm going to change this thing." But what happens? It fizzles out or fades away. (and some of us... Eh hem, cough, cough... me) start to beat ourselves up about it. We set this intention and while we're motivated, it seems reasonable. While we're motivated, it seems doable. While we're motivated, it seems like we're committed and we're going to actually stick this thing out. But motivation waxes and wanes. Intentions are vital. Motivation is vital. In that moment of intention, in that moment of motivation, when you're actually experiencing a visceral “I'm going to do this,” … THAT is the time to set a plan. THAT is the time to set the next best action. The Next Best Action Think about something to tether your new desired behavior to. A tugboat is tethered to a massive ship to then tug it through more dangerous or crowded waters. Right? It's tying something so that they move together, a tether. It could be another habit. It could be a repeated behavior. It could be a recurring experience. Why Tether? When you tether two usually disparate things together: It becomes easier to remember, especially if it's something you encounter or do again and again and again. It reduces cognitive load. (Our brains seek out the least cognitive effort, the least amount of energy to process something.) If we have to manage our intentions, manage our motivation and manage our actions plus all the other things that come with a behavior, we're not going to do it. We're going to fall short. So instead, reduce the cognitive load, reduce all the other things that have to be done before you implement such a behavior. It doesn't rely on motivation as much. (It kinda does early, but eventually, it's closer to automatic) It creates an element of consistency earlier in the process. If we are consistent early, we're less likely to have that negative self-talk and less likely to demotivate ourselves. What To Link Up Some examples: If you want to start to be a little more mindful... well what do you already do daily that takes a short amount of time, but is also uninterrupted? Making your bed Brushing your teeth Drinking your coffee Washing your hands Fine. Choose one and practice being mindful while doing that thing. You want to start a gratitude practice? You want to start consistently working out? You want to call your mother more frequently? Experiment I've tried multiple methods and multiple times to develop a gratitude practice. I tried what the gurus said. I read and implemented some of the things I read on trusted social posts. I looked up the research and tried some of the validated methods. But gratitude wasn't as present throughout my day as I wanted it to be. I had to keep experimenting. I'll tell you what it was for me. Ultimately, it was two things: Tether it to something I do early, every day Make it easy I tried journaling and it wasn't working for me. It took a lot of activation energy. I had to find the journal, I had to pull it out. I had a turn to the page and then I felt like this is going to last, so I have to write all this stuff. In my head, I was self-editing. It was too much energy for me. Well, I have a treadmill desk that I use while I work each morning. Tether. When I start walking, I type five things that I'm grateful for. Easy. I type five things I'm grateful for and pause on each one for 10 seconds. A total of 50 seconds. Now gratitude has become a habit, even long after I've stepped away from the treadmill desk. Similar example: I tied working out to learning with audiobooks. I LOVE learning. It's rewarding to me. Well, now, I've constructed it so that, I can only listen to audiobooks while I'm working out. If I don't work out, I do not permit myself to keep listening. If I do workout, I am rewarding myself. Repeated Behaviors, Everyday Objects, & Everyday Experiences Repeated behaviors aren't necessarily always habits. For example, we open doors, we log into the computer, and we log into meetings. These everyday repeated behaviors can also be things that we tether things to. -----------Imagine that it is now 3 weeks after your event and people are still raving about it. Not only that, they're describing how it changed their work and their lives. Make it happen. Book Dr. Tori to speak: https://www.drtori.com/speaker ----------- If you've heard one of my keynotes or taken my 7 Simple Rules of Influence course, then you've heard how I use doorknobs. The act of walking through a door is a behavior we do all the time. But I've used the everyday object of a doorknob as a thing to tether a behavior to. When I grab a door knob, I "manage my state" (Simple Rule #1). There's someone on the other side of this door. I need to serve them - whether it's my family, when I'm coming home from work, whether it's a meeting that I'm walking into, whether it's a lecture hall or a conference that I'm about to speak in, or a one-on-one consult or coaching. When I grab that doorknob, I think I have to serve the person on the other side of that door. Over time, it has become completely automatic to get into the optimum state for whoever/whatever is on the other side of that door. Take a repeated behavior and just tie it to a habit that I want. You could do this with driving. You can do this with putting on shoes. You can do this with logging into a computer. You can do this clicking "Join Meeting." You can do this with anything that any repeated behavior that you have to do after you finish in the bathroom or before you eat your food. You can tie it to those behaviors. Another thing you can tie things to is a real-world object, which I alluded to with doorknobs. You can pick any real-world object that can be picking up a pen, grabbing your phone. You can just tie a behavior to a real-world object. You can also tie it to a real-world experience, for example. When I experience negative gossip, right? I just really can't stand being around people who are constantly negative gossip. Like, it really bugs me. I struggled with, How do I get out of that conversation? Do I just abruptly remind them? "Hey, let's not talk about them behind their back" Sometimes that's awkward. Sometimes it could be potentially harmful, say, in the workplace with somebody senior to you or you have to interact with them later. It can be awkward. I struggled with that for a while. But here's what I did. Essentially, I started to make excuses for other people… the moment I hear something negative, I would practice the act of making excuses for someone basically assuming the best, thinking about something that they do well or something that is good about them. Not All Habits Are Behaviors Why do I make the distinction between habit change and behavior change? Because not all habits are behaviors. Some habits are emotional responses or triggers. My emotional response to hearing that a specific person's name, that is often called a triggered response. But that's essentially a habit. And you can break that habit and insert a new one. And one of the best ways is with tethering Thoughts can be habits, too. Somebody brings up a topic or a certain person walks in a room and you have certain thoughts. Those thoughts are habits - those immediate early thoughts. You can change those thought patterns. For me, it was negative self-talk. Even if I crushed it, if one person felt slighted or was not enamored by something I did... 99 people loved it, 1 dude was less-than-enthused... my pattern was to think (& subsequently viscerally feel) like I was not good enough. I should've done better. If you want to change your behavior habits, if you want to change your thought habits, if you want to change your emotional habits, then tie them to other things, tie them to other habits, tie them to other actions, tie them to everyday objects. Keep this in mind this is a small action that can yield massive change in your life. So just tie these things together. It's super high yield. -----------If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 ----------- Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day. [ If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ]

(Sometimes) Face The Problem By Not Facing The Person Dealing with an alpha personality in a vulnerable situation, body language can help a lot. And how you design the setting can make "safer" body language easier. In this podcast episode we discuss a story of a young woman serving as a new CEO, while the organization retained the founding CEO and scientific lead. I had been working with her on influence and leadership skills - public speaking, rapport, persuasion, and persuasion. Now she needed help. With a super small tweak, the old CEO's entire response and subsequent behavior changed. Same difficult conversation. Just a different setup. The popular "literature" out there (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, etc) oftentimes says, "Lean in." They say, "Make direct eye contact." Well, guess what? That doesn't always apply. For sure, most of the time, those things are great advice, but not all the time. And so we always need to have this little caveat where you adjust for context. Eye contact may not be the best path forward... Meaning you have to be judicious about it. Haven't you ever seen movies where 2 men are having a vulnerable, open discussion? They're not looking at each other. They're looking at a game on the sidelines. They're watching a football game on TV and they're and they're having this conversation. They're on a porch or they're by a lake or by a river, fishing, golfing, or they're out playing whatever sport, and they're having this conversation while they're not making eye contact. Coffee shops are great for this. Why? Because if you pick a seat along the wall, you can both lean back on your chair and sort of put your arm up and not face each other for part of the time and face each other part of the time. And it's a non-threatening stance. But when your shoulders are square, you're leaning in and your eyes are right in. That can be experienced as threatening, depending on who it is and what the context is. Make It Safe In this case, a walking meeting changed everything for her. If you have a walking meeting, first of all, you're not facing each other by definition. You can also choose the setting. It can be along the water, it can be in a path through a park with trees and birds chirping. The point here is sometimes you face it by not facing. You face the problem by not facing the person. (1) Context is Everything It really matters when you apply this. This doesn't apply to all situations. Try this specifically when you have an alpha personality who is being challenged or who is being vulnerable. (2) Be Natural Whenever you face the problem by facing away from the person, it MUST be natural. Appearing distracted or as if you're avoiding eye contact will destroy rapport and that will essentially disrupt the entire thing. (3) Look To A Better Future Use the fact that you're looking away as if you're looking out into the future. Get there. Focus on that future state. Now is not the time to focus on all of the stuff leading up to this point, especially if someone is vulnerable. Get them to a better place. -----------If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 ----------- Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day. [ If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ]

Conversations As Campaigns, Not Events Have you ever heard the phrase, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"? Well, there's a corollary. The best teachers lay the groundwork to make the student ready. Sometimes we're too impatient. Sometimes we think we have to solve all the world's problems in this one conversation. It is true that a super powerful reframe can create a pivot in someone's life and completely change their trajectory. In fact, that's a learnable skill (reframing and frame management) that, if practiced over time, can become a habit. Master and habitualize this skill others will be magnetized to you. Why? Because every time they're around you, they get better. Have Realistic Expectations About Conversations Give yourself some grace. Stop thinking that every single conversation has to be a moment of pivotal transformation. It's not going to be that way. We have such high expectations that we think we have to address all of the issues. We have to change everything right here and now. -----------If you do want to learn how to change everything in a single, powerful moment, though, here's a free (& quick) micro-course: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 ----------- Perhaps you have a friend that's going through something or somebody that has a habit that you want to change. Maybe it's a teenage child of yours or a sibling or an estranged relative, a spouse. There's something you want to change in there and you want to address it and you want to address all aspects of it right now. Perhaps you have a colleague and there's a difficult conversation and or a pattern of behavior. And you want to address all of them. You don't have to do them all in one conversation. We tend to beat ourselves up when we don't accomplish everything we set out to do. Reframing Your Own View Of Conversations Our own lens on conversations needs to reframe. Because your conversations and your interactions are episodes in a series. It's not one-off. It's not one-and-done. It's not "it's not over when the conversation is over." Your conversations are powerful if you view them not as events, but as a campaign. That particular interaction is but one sliver of that longer-term interaction relationship campaign. Sometimes conversations might be: Establishing rapport (and that's enough... wonderful, in fact) Maintaining rapport Changing a mood Teaching Learning Listening Allowing someone to vent, cry, scream or celebrate Allowing someone to plan out loud Etc etc Conversations have a bunch of different flavors, but overall, they're not one-offs. They are events in the middle of a longer campaign. They are slivers of time on a longer timeline. And when you view them as such, you can see that going back to when the student is ready, the teacher appears. If you're that teacher, you're planting seeds all along the way. You're making the ground fertile for those seeds to grow. That is a better way of viewing your conversations, whether it's you're trying to raise a child or have a great relationship with your spouse or succeed at work or in school. You don't need to boil the ocean. You don't need to solve all the world's problems. You don't need to convert somebody from left to right or right to left or whatever your position is on something. You merely need to plant seeds. You merely need to make the ground fertile for those seeds to grow. This is only the end of today's show if you let it be. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day. [ If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com ]

(Not So) Small Talk and... the Gold Rush? Samuel Brannan was California's first millionaire. He made his millions during the Gold Rush, but he didn't do it by finding gold. Rather, he mined the periphery. While everyone was focusing on gold. Samuel Brannan focused on the periphery. He focused on what was adjacent to (but just outside of) their opportunity radars. He sold shovels. In fact, he bought up all of the shovels for miles... all of them. With all of these people coming to California trying to find gold, trying to find their fortunes, Samuel Brannan asked, "What do they need?" He mined the periphery and in the periphery, he found a need for shovels. Small Talk Can Be Awkward and It Can Be Difficult, But Small Talk Isn't Small What else is in our periphery that is of extreme value? Often viewed as "off to the side", "extra", "useless", or "small" - Small talk isn't small at all. Small talk is a potential goldmine. It's the thing that tells you where the gold is. Small Talk As A Hallway Of Doors Imagine small talk as a hallway full of doors. You can walk through one door and it can lead to conflict and argumentation and difficult discussions. Other doors, though, are potential connections, these potential gold mines. Walk through the door where there is potential connection. Connection leads to rapport, which is where the magic happens. In the conversational hypnosis model of conversation. You can imagine a series of concentric rings, and outside of these concentric circles is when somebody is nearby but not engaged. And then the edge of the circle is the greeting. After the greeting, there's typically small talk. You can bounce around to different topics really quickly, and then the interaction ends and you move on. No big deal. Where The Magic Happens - The Change Agent of Change Agents If rapport is established though, that moves you deeper into the circle, towards deeper connection, deeper intimacy - the place where magic happens. Deep rapport is where the best of your relationships, the best of human connection occurs. In fact, rapport is the flow state of human-human connection. Once a rapport is established, that's the change agent of change agents. That is the place where growth and love and connection and all those things occur. Once you have rapport, you're typically in a space where you can potentially have deeper talk. In the conversational hypnotherapy model and in actually most therapy models in the deeper states of rapport and connection, they look for problem states and they look for resource states. Then they basically help that person connect those two - and ultimately solve their own problems. (Typically with a powerful reframe) Every single time you are in small talk, you have the potential to get slightly deeper and make someone's month. Why? Because you can give a gift - the gift of a transformational change.(In hypnotherapy, we often call them "hypnotic gifts" - where you give a gift to somebody) When you give a powerful reframe in a moment of deep connection and rapport, you change someone's life forever. It can be a pivot moment, and by "moment" I mean moment. It can occur in a sliver of time. Someone's entire life can pivot on a single moment. And small talk is your doorway to those moments. Your job in small talk: Assess whether you even want to get deeper. Get curious. View it as a hallway of doorways. Which one would you like to walk through? Go deeper and you have the potential to change your life and the life of the person you're talking to. Small talk is not so small. It is an opportunity. In fact, go to DrTori.com or InfluenceEverywhere.com. There's an opportunity to take a super micro-course on how to change someone's life in a single conversation. And in that conversation, I give an example of a pivotal moment that occurred in small talk by quickly accelerating into rapport from small talk. Small Talk Now, Deep Rapport Later? Ask yourself, how can I optimize my small talk with other people to either establish rapport now or to establish a rapport later? When you're talking, you're bouncing around to different topics and even these like super mundane topics or and somebody mentions like an event or something that's occurring, you know, their daughter is getting married or they're going on a trip or their mom had surgery, whatever. The thing is, they mention it. If you ask about it later, you just say, "Hey, I'm just... I was curious. I was thinking about you the other day. How did your mom's surgery go?" Now that is a establishing rapport later with a small talk doorway that you saw earlier. Small talk is only small if you want it to be small. It's only small if you look at it that way. You have the power to use small talk, to make magical moments in people's lives, including your own. I hope you found this helpful. Get curious and look at small talk is not so small. I'll see you in the next episode. Who needs to hear what you just heard? Go ahead and share it with them right now. The Influence Every Day podcast is free. We don't sell advertising space, so telling others is the best way to pay us back. But more importantly, it's the best way to pay it forward. If you enjoy today's podcast, take a moment to rate and review the show. Then check out the additional links and materials that go along with it. They offer more ways to take your influence, your impact, and your relationships to a whole new level. Now go forth and influence for good. Every day. Do You Want To Take Your Conversations To The Next Level? Go to: https://www.drtori.com/offers/ukqSTL77 - There's a free micro-course called How To Induce Powerful Change In A Single Conversation

011 Whine and Moan? Or Glad To Be Home? Your Choice influence-011-glad-to-be-home-04-audio.mp3 One of our biggest problems in communication is that we tend to do things off-the-cuff, without planning, and without being very deliberate. Imagine you've had an absolutely awful day and you're just arriving home now. You have a choice to make. Start off complaining - detailing all of the things that went wrong... or Start off being glad to be home - and maybe later getting to the details. If you go in and you complaining, complaining, complaining, you're setting a context. You're shaping the environment. I promise you you'll have one type of evening. But that's not the only response there is to an awful day. A far better response is to walk in after an awful day... All of the same stuff could have happened, maybe even worse. And when you walk in through that door and somebody asks, "Hey, how was your day?" Your response can be, "[Long sigh] Oh, let's just say I'm really glad to be home." Something like that. A completely different evening. I promise you. Same bad day. Perhaps even the same venting later, but a very different evening. Why? Because being glad to be home is very different than barging in and complaining. When you're glad to be home there's a sense of relief. When you're glad to be home it's about them. When you're glad to be home, you're present. Now, it's not easy, especially if you had a tremendously awful day. What do YOU need to do to be glad to be home? What will it take? Deep breathing exercises Go for a walk Pray Meditate Jot down a few things you're grateful for Listen to your favorite song Listen to some comedy Think of a fond memory you shared with the person you're about to see ...whatever works for you I actually have a little book that I keep where I write down one or two or three or five things that I'm grateful for about my wife. When I'm able to do that, it gets me centered. And guess what? If I can't even think of any in that moment after a difficult day, I'll start reading the ones I wrote before, and that gets me into a very different state. When I walk in through that door, when I grab that doorknob, I am actually glad to be home. I'm not just glad to be away from work. I'm present. I'm glad to be with my wife. I'm glad to be with my kids. It's a very different evening. My question to you is, after an awful day, what will it take for you to be glad to be home? Whatever it is, DO IT. Do whatever it takes for you to get into the optimum state. I'll tell you, the optimum state is not barging in complaining. That is not the optimum state anywhere. So what will it take for you to be glad to be home? Do that thing. See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change. If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

010 Anxiety and Intentional Attention Throughout my time running a peer support network for healthcare workers (2020-2022 during the pandemic), there was one exercise that was repeatedly cited as super helpful. The "5-4-3-2-1" exercise. The premise is simple... How To Perform The 5-4-3-2-1 Exercise for Stress Reduction First, look around you and pick five things you can see. Go through them one by one, allowing yourself to experience each one. Then, do the same thing with four things you can hear, three things you can feel, two things you can smell and, finally, one thing you can taste. 5 things you can SEE 4 things you can HEAR 3 things you can FEEL 2 things you can SMELL 1 thing you can TASTE Pay Attention to Attention (It's Important) We can only put our attention on 5-9 things at a time and this exercise helps us divert it from what was bothering us. Usually, we don't even get to smell or taste because, by that time, our attention is elsewhere and we are physiologically resetting. This is especially helpful when we are anxious about something that we cannot act on at that moment. But even if we could, stress wasn't going to help us take action. Be Intentional About Where You Direct Your Attention Remember; where attention goes, energy flows. And that thing grows. Beware of negative, anxiety-producing input. If you consume negative content, it will only grow bigger in your mind. Think: Where are you spending (or perhaps even wasting) your attention? Where are you investing your attention? Use your attention deliberately. Invest it in something that is growth-oriented. Every input counts, even if it's just background noise. Do you have a question about influence? Ask Dr. Tori See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change. If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

Toggling Empathy - For Deeper Influence and A Better Path Forward influence-009-toggling-empathy-02-audio.mp3 I am an empath extremist; I feel what others feel and I extend it beyond them. If it's joy, I feel it and I'm able to see its downstream implications. If it's trauma, I can see downstream, and extrapolate, and I feel that too. This is both a strength and a strength overdone. Over the years I've developed the skill of toggling empathy from full on to standby, when that would be most optimal (for the person I'm talking to AND for me). When empathy is on standby, it affords you the ability to see the positive when all is negative, and assess for negative when all is positive. If you leave it full on during negative emotions, it can be devastating. And if you leave it full on during positive emotions, you can miss a negative potential future. Don't ever turn it off. Empathy makes us human. It makes our relationships whole. It makes us work together toward a common good. Put it on standby so that you will still have access to it. You don't want possibility blindness. In extreme emotions we can't see other possibilities; in extreme celebration we can't see the potential dangers and in extreme negativity we can't see the potential benefits. Feel what others are feeling, show them that better place, and help them get there. Toggle empathy from full on to standby and back again. Recommended Book: Tiny Habits: The Small Changes That Change Everything by BJ Fogg - https://amzn.to/3PItb8s If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

End-of-Life Reflections influence-008-end-of-life-reflections-01-audio.mp3 For nine years, I managed patients before and after cardiac surgery and noticed that every single person – no matter their culture, gender, age, language, or socioeconomic background – was worried about the same three things: God, Family, and How they treated other people. At those end-of-life moments (if given the opportunity), people reflect on their relationships and how they treated others, perhaps at moments where it seemed insignificant. What do we do with those fond memories and those times of regret? Well, start now. Who do you have to reach out to that you haven't spoken to in a while? Who should you connect with? Tell somebody you appreciate them. Thank somebody that did something for you. Imagine someone reaching out to you, telling you they were thinking about you, or talking about you, or praying for you. Those moments are gold. Don't let them slip by. The beauty of regrets is that we can act on them by changing our behavior. Even if you can't find that person to say “I'm sorry” or if you didn't leave somebody in the best of ways and maybe they passed on, you can still treat other people better, or take a characteristic that was awesome about them and pay it forward. Recommended Book: The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward by Daniel Pink If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

Two-Do: ToDo Lists & How To Skyrocket Your Productivity (& Mood) Managing your to-do list has the potential to change how you respond to the world, how you show up, and even who you are. How is that possible? Your state is affected when you get things done in the right way, in the right order, and with the right energy. Here's what I recommend: Set time aside and make sure you are alone. Brain dump everything that you have to do at home, at work, and with your relationships. Write down everything, whatever it is. Separate the tasks into two columns, one for the things you like to do and one for the things you don't. Spend time on the ones you like. Spend money on the ones you don't. You can outsource tasks at freelancing sites. If you cannot afford that, delegate those tasks to people on your team or to somebody who happens to love doing that thing. Even if they don't do the task for you, you will be able to learn from them. If you can't outsource or delegate, eliminate the tasks. Every time you have something to do, here are your choices: Do it great. Delegate. Automate. Eliminate. Complete your to-do list by spending time on the things you like, and money on the ones you don't. That way you will be productive while spending time on the things you love. Try it. It will transform your life.

How Rapid Reframes Can Change Lives Almost In An Instant ... (and you can make it a habit) After demonstrating the power reframes can have on our own emotions in episode 001, the obvious pushback would be, "Yeah, but how is this practical? It's all well and good in a made-up imagery session. I just don't see it working in the real world." Well, ok, here are some examples from the real world - these are my personal examples, so I am intimately familiar with them. More importantly, though, I deliberately practiced rapid reframing until it became a habit. These stories are examples of major pivots in real-time. These moments weren't planned out, so I didn't have time to elegantly craft the best possible reframe language to use. Instead, this "rapid reframe habit" was able to capitalize on unexpected moments of opportunity and turn them into magical gifts. Story #1 - Angry With Someone? Get Present With The Future Many times, when our emotions flood - when they become all-consuming - it's because we have applied meaning to something. If those emotions are unwanted (or maybe even destructive in a particular situation) sometimes the most impactful reframe is to change the meaning. This is especially the case with worry, fear, or anger. In this story, I went from alone and angry to a room full of friends and family enjoying themselves less than an hour later... by changing meaning. Here's what happened: My wife, my six children and my wife spent pretty much the entire day preparing for a gathering of friends and their families at our place. Hours of prep. About 20 minutes before the guests were due to arrive, I walked into the living room and it was a hot mess. Cushions were off the couches splayed across the floor. A sheet hung from one of the lights and was pinned to the wall. Toys everywhere. E-V-E-R-Y-W-H-E-R-E. At first, I started boiling. Emotions flooded. No one else was in the room at that moment. I felt the flood and, for me, I have a habit of checking in when I feel the flood. I took a moment to experience how angry I was. Then I got curious. That's my check-in habit: Feel the flood Experience the emotion for a moment Get curious... What does this mean? What else might it mean? Sometimes anger is a great emotion. It's necessary. But not while I'm safe and secure in my home. And certainly not 20 minutes before the guests arrive. It will change nothing for the better. I have to change my state. Rapid reframes are great for changing states. What would've happened if I didn't change my state? What would be the downstream consequences if I called all the kids in and started shouting at them, grounding them, revoking privileges, etc? Kids would be crying as I shouted while we furiously cleaned up. Then the guests would arrive and the kids would have dirt-streaked tears running down their faces with that post-cry pant and a perpetual frown. They'd probably get stubborn about other stuff I asked them to do and I'd get angrier. I would greet the guests as if nothing happened, but there'd be no hiding it. So, it would get awkward for them. What did I do? I got curious. "What does this mean?" "Does it mean disrespect?" "Does it mean that they don't understand?" "Does it mean that they just, like, completely flew in the face of it? They just don't care?" Does it mean that? Or could it mean that I have a lively household that honestly, I should be grateful? I have six healthy kids who play together and yeah, the room's a mess. We have 20 minutes. But you know what? A lot of times people come late. We have time to clean up. At that moment, I reflected that in about 15 years, this room will be exactly the way I left it the last time I walked out of it. Now at least there's a sense of vibrancy and life. And people are there. And my kids are home because in 15 years they won't be. Maybe they'll be married, they'll be studying. They'll be somewhere else. I took it as a moment to reframe for gratitude. So take anger and reframe it. Here's what ensued: I put a laundry basket in the corner of the room. I called them all into the room. I lined them up. "Ok guys, see that basket over there? Okay, we have 45 seconds to put all the toys in there. Hey Siri, set a timer for 45 seconds." We started shooting baskets and we were seeing who could hit a shot from the furthest away. Then, "Okay. Okay, let's put the cushions back on the couch! Ten, nine, eight, seven..." (A countdown does wonders, btw) It became a game. We had fun before our friends came over, and that set up more fun later. When the guests came over, they were in a much better mood. So was I. (For those of you wondering if I live in some fairytale household where kids can get away with anything... No, I don't. But in this instance, it was better to take corrective action later - when I was in a better state and when there were no deadlines for the conversation to end) Story #2 - Turning "Impossible" Into "Whoa! How Fast Can You Do It Now?" I was sitting on my couch and it's not too far from the kitchen. I heard two of my older girls talking, "This is impossible. I know right? This is literally impossible." From the other room, I barked, "Whoa, whoa, who just said that? Who just said that word?" "What word? We didn't say anything." "That word. Impossible. Who said that?" "It's this cube, this Rubik's Cube thing, you know, it's impossible. We both said it." I said, "I don't ever want to hear that word in this house. You know how I feel about that, right? About saying things are impossible. When you were born, I literally registered your domain names so that you could potentially maybe I don't know, maybe you'll become president. Maybe you'll become, you know, governor, maybe you'll be a celebrity. So I registered your domain name so your competitors don't get it. Don't tell me something's impossible. Find a way.". They rolled their eyes simultaneously and the older of the two said, "Yeah, find a way. Okay, you do it." And she threw me the Rubik's Cube. And, I didn't know how to solve it. (yet) So what did I do? After they were like, "Yeah, see? told you so, blah, blah, blah," I logged into Amazon and I ordered two "speed cubes", the type used in competitions. I watched videos over the weekend on how to solve the Rubik's Cube. I learned the patterns. Two-to-three days later, I went to them and I showed them that I could solve it. And then what happened? I taught a few of the kids and we started competing to see who could finish the fastest. Demonstration is a means to reframe. When somebody completely sees the opposite of what they thought, it can be shocking. There will be another episode on Pattern Interrupts, but it can shock people into a different frame. It went from impossible to how quickly can we solve it? Not from impossible to possible, but impossible to how quickly can we get it done? And then it got to the point where we were within only a few minutes of being able to solve the puzzle. "There must be a better way" - Steve Jobs (allegedly reported multiple times in a single meeting) Story #3 - Not So Small Talk Something that appeared to be small talk turned into a transformative, life-changing moment... and, actually, you can do the same thing for people you love. When you love someone, you want to see them make the best decisions. You want them to have success in every realm of their lives. You want the best for them, right? Well, understanding what happened in this next story may provide the spark for you to do just that. Rather than just spelling it out here, I turned it into a micro-course. A few free short videos: Help your loved ones to make better decisions They'll change their behavior because they want to ... not because you told them Not only that... they'll think it was their idea ACTION ITEM: Register for the Powerful Change In A Single Conversation micro-course. At first, it was just small talk. But in the end, at least two lives were dramatically changed for the better.

Can wearing a mask help you improve your public speaking abilities? Absolutely. If you were to look at the advice that coaches and public speaking trainers give those who are learning to be better public speakers or to improve their skills, that advice that's given to them is the same advice that someone would give to establish rapport and connection from behind a mask. The tips that they give to both of those groups are the same. So let's go over those. My name is Dr. Tori with Influence Everywhere. I'm an expert and influence, persuasion, body language and rapport for improving your relationships and improving behavior change. When you're wearing a mask, it's an opportunity to practice. Let's go over three quick things that you can practice every time you wear a mask. These are three tools in your speaking tool belt that you can improve upon while wearing a mask. Do that and you will improve your public speaking skills. 3 - Use the Qualities of Your Voice Your voice is an incredible tool. It is an asset. Your voice has many qualities that can be altered, adjusted and changed in such a way that it improves your ability to establish rapport and to convey ideas. Sometimes, our communication falters due to the qualities of voice. For example, we might be speaking at a normal volume, then trail off at the end. That portion of what we said isn't heard well and gets misunderstood. Either it's not heard at all or it's misheard. The other person may think you said something else entirely.. You may have heard of “voice coaches”. They help people who are either improving their voice for singing or actors and actresses as they imitate a singer or imitate another person. Your voice is not something that is static. You can change it and voice coaches can help to adjust the many components of your voice - not just volume. Volume is extremely important, by the way, especially when speaking from behind a mask, because you don't have the benefit of reading lips. So your volume is important, but there are other important voice qualities - There's pitch, there's tone, there's melody, there's pace / cadence, etc. Your voice is an incredible tool. How you use it has deep impact on your ability to establish rapport and engage others. When you are speaking to someone from behind your mask, try adjusting your voice. This is especially the case if they ever say “I'm sorry?” and lean forward as if they're trying to listen a little more. You're just not loud enough. So change your volume. If they're not engaged, perhaps you need to change the pace. Maybe it would help to speak faster or, even better, to vary the pace. Or maybe you need to slow down and have some pauses. Or maybe you need to use silence after making an important point. In real-time, you can vary the pitch and the melody and all these things as you speak. This helps you maintain engagement. And this is something that public speakers are being taught all the time - not just for video, but also for the stage. Meetings too. Your voice matters. Go ahead and look up voice coaches. Try to find more information on the top tips from voice coaches and things like that. Look for videos and podcasts, especially. There's a person I absolutely recommend, Roger Love. He has a whole host of materials, courses, and coaching out there. There's enough free stuff out there, by him alone, that is enough to completely change how you communicate from behind a mask. Keep this in mind: Every time you communicate from behind a mask, you have an opportunity to improve your voice for public speaking. 2 - Squeeze the Meaning Out of Your Words I used to have a hypnotherapy teacher who would say, “You have to squeeeeeeze the meaning out of the words.” Squeeze the meaning out of the words. Say it, Express it, And move your body in ways that are consistent with it. Convey the meaning of the word with all of your means of expression - your body, with your facial expressions, and with your voice. Remember… they will not be able to read your lips from behind a mask. Using all of your means of expression is also what you should do when public speaking. Another example: “That meeting was sooooo loooooong.” Say the word “long” in a way that conveys its very meaning.. It's a long duration. Right? “It went on for...eveeeeerrrrrr.” The expression itself conveys the meaning. The manner in which you say it. HOW you say it, NOT just WHAT you say. How you say it conveys the meaning of the word. It's not limited to single words. It could also be a phrase or an entire paragraph. If you're talking about life during COVID-19, for example, “Oh gosh. March just felt like it went on for sooooo looooong. But then everything after that was so quick-paced. One thing after another, after another after another.” (with the italicized part being spoken at a super-quick pace) The words have meaning. And the way you say it conveys that meaning. 1 - Exaggerate Your Emotion Now, the most important of these three tips would be to over-emphasize emotion. When you are behind the mask, if you exaggerate emotion, it will show more in your eyes, your eyebrows, your neck, your body. When you are on stage speaking, the same thing goes. There's a saying among public speaking trainers, “The larger the stage, the larger the emotion.” The larger the stage, the larger the emotion, the more exaggerated the emotion. If you're on a stage speaking to 15,000 people, that requires a lot more energy, enthusiasm, and vibrancy than a stage in front of 15. So, too, with using a mask. If you want to establish deep connection and rapport while keeping people engaged from behind your mask, you have to bring a different kind of energy of expression. When you are conveying an emotion, Over-emphasize it. Over-feel it. Over-express it. This is the case whether you are expressing concern or excitement, elation or disgust, anger or joy. Doesn't matter. Behind a mask, it has to be a little larger than life. One good place learn from others is through superhero movies. Spider-Man, Deadpool, and these sort of things where they have a complete facial covering. Pay close attention. When they're wearing that full mask, how do they convey emotions? You'll see, especially in those movies that have all the full range of emotions. Like fear and and sort of jokes and sarcasm and deep concern and empathy. Those sort of characters that are wearing a full mask and express the full range of emotions are the best to learn from. You can learn a lot from their acting., especially Deadpool, Spider-Man, and even some of the Star Wars movies. You can look at their body language and look at how they exaggerate things. Exaggerate the emotion from behind a mask. Exaggerate the emotion when you're on stage. Deliberate Practice If you want to improve a skill, you need to have deliberate practice. If you complain about the mask along with everyone else, you will miss this opportunity. While you're wearing your mask, you have an opportunity to improve your public speaking skills by simply focusing on these three things. Anytime you want to improve a skill, you need to practice. Check out the recent episode of Influence Every Day where we discuss this in more depth: 003 Deliberate Practice Because Practice Makes... What? ACTION ITEM: Pick one of these 3 tools. Deliberately practice it for the next week.

Body language can be cause AND effect. For example, when we have rapport with someone, we tend to exhibit certain behaviors (matching, mirroring, eyebrow flash, etc). If we want to establish rapport, we can start by intentionally exhibiting those same behaviors. So it is with listening. When you are listening intently, you will show the 3 behaviors covered here. Likewise, when you want to listen intently (but aren't doing so), you can exhibit these 3 behaviors and you will begin to listen more intently. Let's cover the 3 components of the body language of listening: #1 Slightly Tilt Your Head Component number one is to slightly tilt your head. Think about it. You've seen many animals, right? If they hear a sound, there's something that's interesting. What do they do? They tilt their heads. They move their ears. They angle themselves to hear the thing better. Right? You've seen cute pictures of kittens or puppies that when a sound is made and they cock their head. You actually do the same. Don't do it abruptly like they do when they first hear the sound. But with your head slightly tilted to the side. #2 Expose Your Neck Component number two is to expose the neck. By “expose your neck”, I don't mean exposed skin per se. If you're wearing a headscarf or a neck scarf or anything like that, that's fine. Open up the space between the chin and the chest - no matter what you're wearing. Why does this help? Well, let's go back to animals… Have you ever seen a cat or a dog stretch its underbelly or act like it wants to be rubbed? It only does that when it trusts the person there. Right? They only do that at a time of trust, at a time of safety, at a time of comfort. It's the same thing for us with our necks. Now, we're not necessarily asking other people to rub our necks, LOL. But when we feel safe and when we feel comfortable, we slightly expose our neck. This is something we do normally. When we are uncomfortable, we tend to cover it. We might put our hand over our chin. We might play with a necklace. We may pull the collar forward or a vest forward or a jacket forward or put something between us. We might cover our chest and the lower portion of our neck. Here's why: your neck is loaded with vital equipment - your airway, your esophagus, your spine, your jugulars and your carotids. It's an essential area. It is so vital, it's where predators attack their prey. They go for the neck. We protect it when we're uncomfortable and we expose it when we're comfortable. So by doing step number one is to slightly cock the head. Step number two is to open up the space, to slightly expose the neck. When you do so, you're conveying that you feel safe and that it is safe. And therefore, the other person feels it. Remember. People experience body language. They're not sitting there saying to themselves, “Oh, wow. She's tilting her head and exposing her neck.” We're not doing that. We're not calculating their body language. We're experiencing it. When you expose your neck, you are inducing an experience that it is safe here. #3 Nod Your Head Component number three is to nod. Simply nod at certain points in the conversation. Nodding is an indication of agreement and/or understanding. We do it naturally. BONUS #4 Reflect The Emotion Being Expressed If there were to be a fourth main component, it would be to express the emotion that the other person is expressing. Mirror their emotion. If they expressed that they recently lost a loved one, feel that. If you feel it, you will reflect the emotion of experiencing loss. Recap of the Essential Components of the Body Language of Listening: Tilt your head slightly Expose your neck Nod Reflect the Expressed Emotion Listening occurs while you are silent. But when your voice is silent, your body language is saying: “You are safe.” “I hear you.” “I'm interested in what you are saying.” “I care.” If you ever find yourself not in a mood to listen - you're distracted, you're thinking about other things - start with the body language of listening. Start by just slightly exposing your neck a bit and tilting your head. Then nod appropriately. Express appropriate emotion. Do this and you will tend to listen better. Now go do it. Start with the very next interaction you have. [See https://www.InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change.] [If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com]

Deliberate Practice Because Practice Makes... What? With any new skill, we begin unconsciously incompetent. Not only can we not perform the activity, but we don't even know its relevance. A period of discovery follows. We become consciously incompetent. We know something is important but we still do not know how to do it. Then, learning begins, usually with the help of someone competent (even better if it's a coach), until we become consciously competent. Now, we know how to do something but we have to be focused on the steps while doing it. When we no longer have to be attentive to the activity in order to perform it, we are unconsciously competent. This automaticity comes after deliberate practice. Practice is extremely important but if we practice the wrong thing, we become automatic at the wrong thing. This is why a coach is often needed. How can we practice influence, persuasion, rapport, body language, engagement, and behavior change? We can practice through our everyday interactions. Observe others' body language in specific situations and jot down some notes. Everyone's reaction will be slightly different but there are common themes that will help you get better at detecting and understanding body language. The best place to start learning body language is to practice detecting discomfort. If you want to get good at any skill, focus on deliberate, optimized practice, ideally with a coach. Go to InfluenceEverywhere.com for many more resources on influence, communication, relationships, and behavior change. If you're a busy professional who wants to have incredible success at work and at home (without neglecting those who matter most), then check out The Influence Playbook at https://www.influenceplaybookmonthly.com

What can a fun ice-breaker teach us about discomfort, misunderstanding, and anywhere our communication goes wrong? How can we take a simple game and use it to improve our most important relationships? Have you heard of ‘2 Truths in a Lie'? It's a game where you say two truths and a lie about yourself and other people have to detect the lie. The game is simple but detecting deceit is not. To effectively evaluate body language there are a few things you need to keep in mind. Context: sometimes we focus so much on our content that we neglect the context. It is not enough to deliver your message. You have to realize that your message is being received. Pay attention to the comfort level of the people you are interacting with – that is who you are there to serve. X does NOT equal Y: a single expression of body language is not enough to derive meaning. There are multiple reasons why somebody may act a particular way, sometimes completely unrelated to you. Look for change: pay attention to your interactions, spot changes and get curious. Don't apply meaning to the change. Consider what might have caused it and ask yourself what you can do about it. Evaluate the context, understand others' comfort levels, and avoid applying meaning to changes. Instead, seek them out and get curious – this is a great skill to master to understand body language and adjust your communication in real time.