Fire the Canon

We're back, with Shakespeare's comedy classic, A Midsummer Night's Dream! Basically, four young Athenians with romance problems wander into the woods and get messed with by a bunch of fairies - you know the drill. It's a good time, you'll love it. (Fun fact: Jackie once acted in this play! Ten imaginary points if you guess as which character.) Jackie pulls a classic “Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka”; Rachel is dark and average; Bekah brags about her leviathan-like speedTopics include: Fakespeare again, the Fatherly Spirit, the Suite Life of Zack & Cody, time travel for fun and profit, infuriating ways to win a woman's heart, the power of the flower, Hemingway's gun, Twister Splash, and Qu*kers.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This is a preview for our special Patreon bonus in which Rachel, Bekah, and returning guest Jess Owens (@saidbyjess) get together and talk tropes, baby. Which ones win? Which ones lose? Which ones have you never ever heard of before and maybe wish you could forget? We've got the deets. Join us on patreon.com/firethecanon to access full bonus episodes, get a shoutout, a sticker, and more! Also, follow Jess @saidbyjess on instagram, twitter (X or whatever?) and the like. She's funny! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Well, well, well! We're back after a long hiatus in the middle of a pretty short book due to vacations of various sorts. For example, Jackie took a vacation to Italy (listen for an amazing story of being a dumb American), AND a vacation from being healthy by immediately getting Covid upon her return! But now we're all healthy and thriving, and Mrs. Dalloway's FTC arc is complete. Like life itself, this episode in turns both gross and beautiful! Tune in to find out if the second half of the book sucks. NOTE: This episode discusses suicide. See chapters below if you wanna skip that part!Bekah reveals a very specific requirement she has for storytellers. Rachel murders God. Jackie shares a tidbit of Williamsburg wisdom that no one likes.Topics include: special vinegar in a special dish, the ultimate state of Zen, a diet of nothing but milk and ice cream, spending years in bed for money, a divisive blue envelope, Petrarch, a snowboarding pickle, how to hide a zit like a pro, Oscar Pistorius, William Faulkner, Hemingway and Fitzgerald's Ye Olde Dick-Measuring Event, IcinGUH, Ada Palmer's recommendations, Walshheads, speaking English like an Italian, Shrek, Butt Stuff, the now-straight Tower of Pisa, Nebuchadnezzar, and Nebuchadlizard. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Please join us as we read the first half of Virginia Woolf's modernist masterpiece, Mrs. Dalloway! Taking place on a single day in mid-June 1923, the book takes us in and out of the minds of our two main characters, society housewife Clarissa Dalloway (who is throwing a party), and World War One veteran Septimus Warren Smith (who is having some extremely concerning psychological issues), as well as basically everyone around them. It's extremely good! Jackie regrets becoming a slug; Rachel tells a tale of betraying a dear friend at the club (or was it????); Bekah describes her ultimate dental destiny. Topics include: Ernest Hemingway, Lord of the Rings, Sylvia Plath and her fig tree, slugging, skincare advice corner, dog psychologists, Tamagotchis, jelly sandals, Monkey Beach, the Big Bean, Belle & Sebastian, Malört, sippin' on that thang, Mary Karr, catcalling, explicit undertones, That's So Raven, gold-digging advice, Celine Dion, and riches to rags to riches/revenge. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Join us as we delve into the life of Virginia Woolf, a woman who was many things, chiefly among them a writer! Despite Jackie promising to make this the most depressing author bio episode of all time, Rachel and Bekah refuse to let it happen. There's a lot of laughter, but also some almost-tears, and some hard topics, but it's worth it. Rachel reveals the third, heretofore unknown Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel. Bekah thinks Modernism was a mistake. Jackie horrifies the others with her puppet-like countenance.Topics include: Firehouse Subs, Jesus, German vermin, big heads vs grape heads, building a time machine to go kill two dudes. breaking down Victorian social norms with a single word, the parable of the Fig Man, inexplicable group chat names, recurring sausage dreams, sister-to-sister matchups, and ceremonial lashings of buttocks.Content warnings: child abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness, suicide, racism, antisemitism, and about every -ism you can imagine  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Stop! We see your eyeballs getting ready to dart away to something more fun. Dart 'em back here. This is the most fun you'll have hearing about race and racism since... ever, maybe! We know the bar is low, but still. Listen along to the original opening to our first Charlie and the Chocolate Factory episode, which immediately derailed into racial topics thanks to Ol' Roodle Doodle's antics, and then was cut out and made into its own episode. Jackie says something the other two consider truly wild, accidentally kicking the whole thing off. Rachel suggests we come up with a new word to describe a racist, because 'racist' has a lot of baggage. Bekah wants you to go get one of two doctors, but there's only one noticeable difference between them and everyone must pretend not to notice it. The ensuing dilemma is fun for the whole family! To hear the whole conversation and support our podcast, sign up to be a patron at Patreon.com/firethecanon. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The gang finishes out the tale of ol' C-Bucks and the maniacal chocolate man in spectacular fashion - late, but not that late! Thanks for the endless patience of our many adoring fans. We would never turn you into marshmallows, even if that tube DID go to the marshmallow room.Jackie fucks up her audio, but doesn't know it yet (don't worry, she fixes it in post). Rachel flexes secret first-edition knowledge. Bekah is really good at pogo sticking. Topics include: dating as a one-inch tall woman, grad school application mistakes, CV tips from Jackie, square treats that look round, High School Musical, cockroach longevity, the rhinoceros at the end of the stampede in Jumanji, Emphysema Salt, wart puns, Oompa Loompa race wars, Everybody Hates Mike Teevee, the horror of Frontier Airlines*, finger-toes, and hiring a starving child to run a global corporation. *not a sponsor ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Quick! What has 14 legs, one bed, and half a potato? Why, the Bucket family, of course! Join the gang as we cover the first half of Roodle Doodle's classic, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. You all know how the story goes, but you haven't heard it told by us. Rachel doxxes herself. Bekah learns about the Wonka-related scandal of the year. Jackie has never even once thought about smothering grandma Josephine with a pillow. Topics include: freakish fertility, doppelgängers, girlfriends who are worms, boyfriends who have skeletons in them, ontological incorrectness, universally detested children, masseter Botox, cabbage soup, Scotland's Wonka Experience, the Unknown, a secret hoard of one coin, naked cat vibes, backhanded compliment-insults, and issuing rebukes in a flutelike voice. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

She's back! University of Chicago professor, historian, and award-winning novelist Ada Palmer joins Rachel and Jackie for a conversation about the life and times of Niccolo Machiavelli, a fascinating guy who lived through fascinating times. Learn all about how his name gets an undeservedly bad rap, the trials and tribulations that led to the writing of The Prince, and why the Renaissance was a terrible time to live through but which ultimately gave us everything important in the modern world. Check out www.adapalmer.com for more information on her research, novels, and more! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy March, everyone! For our Patreon bonus, we thought we'd try something new: The Reading Corner! Jackie and Rachel have a friendly chit chat about whatever books we're currently reading. Maybe it will become a recurring feature? It all depends on what you like, and what Jackie likes. It doesn't matter at all what Rachel likes. For the full episode and all our other bonuses, go to patreon.com/firethecanon and join the fam!  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The patrons battled it out in honor of the upcoming Ides of March, and in the struggle between The Art of War and The Prince, let's just say The Art of War got Caesar'd. It's like getting Punk'd, but instead of meeting Ashton Kutcher you die and get a salad named after you. Win/win? Buckle up as the gang guides you through the world's second most practical guide on waging war and maintaining power.Rachel says "here's the problem" roughly 80 times. Bekah really wants somebody to be gay. Jackie gets hundreds of sonnets written for her by Mr. Peanut. Topics include: the woman who rotates sandwiches, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, state cryptids, explanations of Ohio and Germany, terrible audiobook narrators who barely get any votes, a truly toxic doctor, female women, Borgias and Medicis, rice and horses, fear and love, Inigo Montoya, the monstrosity that is a medieval cat, Alexander the Great, a horrifying Kermit, lions and foxes and wolves oh my, and the return of everyone's favorite, Scipio Africanus. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

In preparation for our upcoming Charlie and the Chocolate Factory miniseries, we got the gang together to learn about the absolutely absurd life of Roald Dahl.  Best-known for his children's books, Dahl also wrote some very weird, pervy adult stories. Before he became a writer, he worked for an oil company in Africa (yes…… we know.), flew warplanes in World War 2, and committed extensive espionage. Curious about the kind of mind that could produce the BFG, Matilda, and James and the Giant Peach? You've come to the right place!Content warnings: sexual assault, child abuse, racism, antisemitism, sexism, etc. We really talk about it all! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Don't say we never put our stellar reputations on the line for you! Joining us this week is our friend Jacob Waller (find him on YouTube as Big Yellow Praxis), who has recently fallen down the rabbit hole of a (potentially correct???) anti-Stratfordian theory (notably NOT a conspiracy theory). Jacob lays out the case for, conservatively, a HUGE AMOUNT of Shakespeare's work being borrowed from or straight up written by his contemporary, Sir Thomas North. Many thanks to Dennis McCarthy for his years of research, which is primarily what this episode is drawn from! Please check out his book, 'Thomas North: The Original Author of Shakespeare's Plays', and visit his website, www.sirthomasnorth.com, for a closer look. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Ahoy for the last time, me hearties! In this episode we cover Moby Dick from chapter 102 until the bitter, watery end.  Ishmael finally reveals why Captain Ahab is so obsessed with Moby Dick, we finally discover the fate of pretty much the entire crew of the Pequod, and Moby Dick finally deigns to grace the page.Jackie does her Bob Dylan impression against our will. Rachel solves a fabulous mystery. Bekah trudges up and down a mountain. Topics include: free range Beastie Boys, Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, the wagon of sobriety, Mr. Worldwide's new look, the absolute best hairstyle for a man, the location of the soul, the Cavity Queen, the most secret Filipino of all, Moomin Quest, and whether you should wash your legs (yes). ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week, we're sharing part 2 of Jackie and Bekah reading one-star reviews of their favorite books to each other. Jackie comes at Bekah with the harshest criticisms of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice available on Goodreads. To hear the full episode, join our Patreon! Patreon.com/firethecanon. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week, we're joined by a very special guest: Nikita! Jackie handpicked her to co-host this episode because Nikita is funny, despite not being a man. We read and discussed the fourth of Charles Dickens' five Christmas Books so you don't have to, and you can go ahead and thank us for that. Rachel's mom tells her she doesn't deserve any presents. Jackie discovers God is real. Nikita informs her husband that under no circumstances is he to continue living after her death. Topics include: La Femme Nikita, Lucy Liu/Maggie Q, Santa Claus stories, leprechaun disappointment, the worst poop of all time, Da Bean Zone, wifi stories, breakup pet plans, stinkbugs, true sisterly love, interchangeable women, a literal boatload of money, Death Note, the most perfect creature who ever breathed (according to Dickens), arms that don't belong to you, the hot hot elf from The Santa Claus, a gummy mistake, Shake Shack, a 23-year old's eyeballs, and absolutely no ghosts whatsoever. 0:00:00 - 0:28:28 : stories of parental deception re: Santa 0:28:29 - 1:00:45 : story summary1:00:46 - 1:19:13 : story discussion/analysis/thoughts1:19:21 - end : author drama! romance tropes! and a truly deranged story about finding god in an airport with a little help from drugs. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

In the spirit of the holidays, which some call the holiday spirit, this week we're re-releasing an old favorite from 2021: Agatha Christie's "Hercule Poirot's Christmas". Rejoin the original gang for a hilarious journey through a Christmas mystery (Christery). If you're anything like Jackie, the mystery will seem as fresh and new as it did two years ago, because you'll totally have forgotten what even happened and who did it. But oh, is it satisfying.We'll have a fresh-baked holiday episode brand new for you next week, when we discuss the fourth of Charles Dickens' Christmas stories. In the meantime, kick back and enjoy a tale from olden times. And if you're really feeling nostalgic, give a listen to our follow-up episode to this one: "A Christery Chat with John Allison", which was equally delightful.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Ahoy!  Welcome back to the podcast.  In this episode, we cover chapters 71-101 of Moby Dick, and we come away with less whale knowledge than we started. Ishmael and Queequeg are wedded (again), a whale gets killed, ominous doings are done, etc., etc.Jackie is wrongfully accused of a crime, and rightfully admits to a crime.  Rachel is wrongfully accused of being a frequent flier.  Bekah took out people's teeth with no pain meds. Jacob would like you to know that that is NOT him, it is a British robot, and he loves his baby.Topics include: Double Portland, an Aladdin situation, the prostaglandins, babysitting adventures, Flula Borg, yacht-tipping orcas, sensual squeezing, and the functional mushrooms/coffee dichotomy. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We're back with another rousing look into the sleeping mind of Stephen, who really wants to know if you'd rather hold someone, or someone holds you, in bed, and there's another figure as well. Rachel wants to know if people like these episodes, so please tell us if you do, and say nothing if you don't. Join our Patreon to hear the full episode and other bonuses as well! www.patreon.com/firethecanon  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Ahoy, y'all! We're back and we're covering chapters 46 through 70 of Moby Dick.  Sorry we were gone so long; Jackie was planning her annual Halloween party (that's why we were gone, not Rachel's wedding or bar exam study).  In this part, Ishmael tells us the only good thing about Tahiti, and the Pequod boys finally have an interaction with a whale (spoiler alert - we don't like it). Jackie introduces her new mini series: Things That Make Me Cry Now That I'm Not Taking Anxiety Meds. Rachel enjoys a regional delicacy.  Bekah has no idea what's about to come out of her mouth.Topics include: taking your shirt off to poop, medication sisters, Gandalf's toxic masculinity, Halsey, Skyline chili, the funniest mutiny, secret Filipino dudes, the debut of our new sound effect for when things are proven to be untrue using Bible logic, Himbology 101, Billy Boyd, French whale art, and British atrocities. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy Monday! Are we late from last week, or early this week? Who knows. Look, we aren't JUST telling you what happens in chapters 26 through 45 of Moby Dick this week. We're also inviting you to a party that is DEFINITELY NOT A WEIRD SEX THING, explaining how to make bathtub crank, and telling you which apartments don't have glory holes in them. We thank you for your patience during the gap between this episode and the last, by the way - as Rachel's wedding nears, and Jackie is felled by the plague, time has been tight. We hope to be on a more regular schedule in October!Bekah gets on Jackie's bad side. Jackie finds out she has Covid in real time. Rachel makes a slight concession to scholars of straightness. Topics include: decorating with a lot of pineapples, Fifty Shades of Grey, whale misunderstandings, slurpin' out of harpoons, honorable kicks, a soul trying to escape a brain, St. Vitus' Imp, janky throats, men without butter, pretty privilege, completely incomprehensible Pidgin, and juicy little pears.Content warnings: drugs, sexual language, racism ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We're back with the first episode of our series on the incomparable, the amazing, the VERY VERY LONG classic novel Moby Dick! Experience Herman Melville's classic boy-meets-whale tale as neither you nor anyone else has ever experienced it before. Rachel finally has some technical difficulties. Bekah tries a new dental procedure she just learned about this morning. Jackie misunderstands a sermon. Topics include: Crunch 'n Munch, sister fights, good Quaker bad Quaker, ghost sailors, the multiple meanings of ahoy, liking chowder a little too much, gay vibes, Cicero, the Devil Dam and the Tit-Bit, human furniture, knocking people's hats off, Tim Robinson and Sam Richardson, creepy sleepy guys, Succession, the bed-sharing trope, the Pythagorean Maxim, a night-night harpoon, I Think You Should Leave, Ishmaelicus, a church made of whale bones, sacred wheelbarrows, and dark Novembers of the soul. Content warning: heartbreaking foreshadowing ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy Thursday, everyone! This week we have a Patreon bonus preview for you all, in which Bekah and Jackie take turns reading each other one-star reviews of each other's favorite books. This week, Bekah tries Jackie's patience with the words of some of the world's smartest book reviewers. We talk confusing feelings and even more confused grammar by various Goodreads users on The Fellowship of the Ring, by J.R.R. Tolkien. Join us for the next Patreon bonus in August, where we'll continue the fun with Jackie reading terrible reviews of Bekah's favorite book. Fun for the whole family! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week we bring you another of Jackie's favorite type of episode: author bios! Even more exciting, we have a MAN joining us, so you can rest assured that this episode will contain about 33% less crying than usual. Even MORE exciting, that man is British, so you KNOW there's absolutely no chance things are going to get overly emotional. Which is good, because our author this week is... really, really extra and had a lot of feelings. That's right, our sometimes-guest, sometimes-editor, sometimes-host Jacob climbs aboard for a deep dive into the life of one of his favorite authors, Herman Melville, who was a card-carrying Meatlovian drama queen.Melville is best known for being the author of Moby-Dick, which we will begin reading and covering throughout the rest of this summer and fall (with other stuff in between). But did you know he's also a peeb? A great-great-uncle, or maybe great-great grandfather, of a famous musician? An extremely weird writer who became a brain-addled bank employee at the tender age of 13? A Nathaniel Hawthorne fanboy to an uncomfortable degree?Listen for these and way more crazy true facts about ol' Hermy M. Topics include: Calvinism, robot butlers, British place-name pronunciations, horned toads, extremely heavy-handed gay innuendos, frightening new neighbors, The Detectorists, Yngwie Malmsteen, Jimmy Buffett, Meatloaf, hot southern soil, Nathaniel Hawthorne, mutinies on the high seas, skin factories, totally normal whale behavior, vagina diagrams, the original M. Dick, birth certificate confusion, perpendicular spouting, and secrets whispered under a gazebo in the pouring rain.Content warnings: death, mental illness, animal cruelty, sexual languageFurther reading: "History's Dick Jokes: On Melville and Hawthorne", by Jordan Alexander Steinhttps://lareviewofbooks.org/article/historys-dick-jokes-on-melville-and-hawthorne/ Jacob's YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/@bigyellowpraxis ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy Thursday! This week Rachel, Jackie, and Bekah wrap up Pride Month with a bang. The gang keeps it lesbian and discuss the life and times (what little is known about them) of Sappho, the Ancient Greek "Poetess" whose works have survived for nearly 2500 years and are still being discovered and discussed. She was also probably at least somewhat if not very gay! Rachel hates Bekah's cats. Bekah could probably get away with drilling through most of a person before anyone notices.  Jackie gives a rodent CPR.Topics include: a totally real, heterosexual husband; the Alexandria Library of Fire; "This One's for the Girls" by Martina McBride, mole confusion, murder cats, spoiled rotten cats, Hot Garth Summer, the Lil' Wayne of Ancient Greece, r/SapphoAndHerFriend, dentistry secrets, Cracked.com, and a rap-reimagining of a popular children's song.Poems discussed:Ode to Aphrodite: https://lsa.umich.edu/content/dam/kelsey-assets/kelsey-documents/2021-Poetry-Blast.pdfFragment 31 - translations by Lord Byron, Lord Tennyson, Anne CarsonFragment 94 ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Hi, lovely patrons! As our thank you for your support this month, we bring you the action-packed, hijinks-filled tale of Theo's role-playing game with Chat GPT as the Dungeon Master. Will Theo prevail in his goal of defeating a ridiculous monster with a ridiculous weapon of his own choice? Listen and find out, maybe!The first 5 or so minutes are free for everyone - and they're mighty good, as we reckon. Won't you check us out and maybe hitch your horse up to ours for only a few pesos a month? ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The original gang is back!  Why?  Because Theo needs advice.  Not just any advice - the oldest advice in the world.  That's right - this week we're discussing The Wisdom of Ptah-Hotep, a “book” of “advice” from Ptah-Hotep, vizier of Pharaoh Isesi, the last ruler of the Fifth Dynasty of Egypt.  Theo has a suggestion for how we can avoid fixing the healthcare system.  Jackie Kermits against her will.  Rachel reminisces about her old classssssmatessss, Bobo and Bilbo.  Topics include: Fuddruckers, Coca-Mola, Serpent Handling 101, Undermining the Government in a God-Fearing Way, frame narratives (which Rachel came up with), Battiscombe G. Gunn, severing one's ties with the occult, horse kids, 6000 years of great stuff, Ozymandias the salty ol' sea dog, Theewi vs. Beefy T vs Theo Sunflow, Cyndi Lauper, Princesplaining, You Thought You Knew New York, and Yeah! by Usher feat. Lil Jon and Ludacris.(Titles we considered but didn't go with: Girls for the Gays and Goths for the Whales; Dress for the Egypt You Want, Not the Egypt You Have; Obey Your Enemy, Eat Your Wife; Look On Me Works, Me Hearties; 2,000 Years of Disagreement; and The Elements of Human Intercourse Throughout the Ages.) ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week, we're coming at you with another FANTASTIC author interview, this time with the brilliant and wonderfully unusual Frances Hardinge, the award-winning author of "A Face Like Glass", "Cuckoo Song", "The Lie Tree", "Deeplight", and, most recently, "Unraveller". Her books are, to use her own words, "fairly dark and invariably strange". A children's and YA maven whose works are both thematically complex and full of astounding prose, Frances chats with us about her process, her life, her origins as a writer, how to make your kids like reading, and her professional LARPing career. Jackie begs to examine Frances' brain to find out what goes on in there. Rachel assures us her house is built on solid ground and she is definitely not in danger of falling into a sinkhole.Regardless, be sure to check out Frances' website - it's an absolute TREAT. See if you can solve the puzzle while you're there! Find it at http://www.franceshardinge.com/ ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We wrap up the second half of Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, and things actually get pretty real! Jackie isn't cut out for monogamy. Bekah schools an alien race on ableism. Rachel wants to normalize pooping in the dark with an electric guitar. So it goes!CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual language, violence, trauma/PTSD, racism, sexism ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Theo is back, baby! The OG Goosebuddies bring you another spook-tactic Bump Patrol episode. This is a mega long free preview, because the full episode is somehow mega long! What can we say, we love these weird lil tales. And this is the best one yet, IOHO (in our humble opinions).The full episode for Patrons will be out Friday, 4/21, due to aforementioned mega longness. In the meantime, enjoy the first 30 minutes, and join our Patreon to access the rest of this ep and many others! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

In this episode, your intrepid hosts cover the first half of Kurt Vonnegut's highly autobiographical masterpiece, Slaughterhouse-Five. If you didn't catch his bio episode (#112), we highly recommend taking a listen! Accurately described by Rachel as both an upper and a downer at the same time, SH5 is a wild ride that spans multiple decades, countries, and planets, all with the hapless and more or less ego-less Billy Pilgrim at its center. There's also a secret subtitle which doesn't appear on the cover but definitely still counts. Rachel inserts a truly unexpected interlude mid-episode. Jacob is back and better than ever. Jackie is drunkety and a little in her feels. Bekah is pretty sure that not only does she not understand your stuff, but YOU don't understand HER stuff. Topics include: virtually every Adam Sandler movie for some reason, evil puppets, John Wayne and Frank Sinatra, black humorists vs. black-humorists, plunger aliens, tiny coats, wooden clogs, babies that are sharp and fast, some guy named Jerry, buzzballs and speedballs, Lice Chat 2.0, crushes on married men, lewd daguerreotypes, surprising facts about human reproduction, offensive British accents, Wild Bob, The Velveteen Rabbit, and Carlisle, England's claim to fame. CONTENT WARNINGS: violence; death; references to pornography, drugs; mental illness; many many horrors of war ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

In preparation for our Slaughterhouse-Five episodes in April, this week we're covering the life of its author, Kurt Vonnegut Jr.! Never heard of him? Neither has Bekah! But sure enough, we'll all learn a little bit together, with Jackie leading us through the biography of one of her favorite authors. Kurt Von D, as no one ever called him until just this very instant, lived a life defined by extremes - unimaginable tragedy followed him for most of his life, interspersed with the truly absurd, the romantic, the humorous, and the humane. He was a Cornell dropout, a prisoner of war, father to anywhere from 3 to 8 children at any given time, a prolific but under-recognized writer, and a crabby old man who once threatened to sue a cigarette company for failing to kill him. In short, he was an interesting guy. In this episode: Rachel forgets the entire point of World War II. Bekah suggests an improvement to the plot of 'Drumline'. Jackie makes a totally understandable etymology mistake. A new guest is born. Topics include Nick Cannon's fertility, more restaurant shenanigans, gender-bending Hutts, fujoshis, Candide IRL, important announcements, a soap opera consisting of Gloria Gaynor lyrics, maternity leave in America, the revenge of the Taisho era, the Battle of the Boob, house fire contingency plans, A Christmas Story, and what it means to be a pacifist. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

To borrow the parlance of a wise, wise man, today marks our eleventy-first episode! And what better way to celebrate than by listening to four millennials reminisce on the teen masterpiece She's the Man starring Amanda Bynes and Channing "Chiseled" Tatum? 3 out of 4 hosts agree: this is the greatest movie of all time. One host apparently does not understand comedy, but becomes more adept at recognizing it with each passing minute. To hear the full episode, join our Patreon! For only a few dollhairs a month, you can help keep us going, and in return, you get full access to everything we've ever released, as well as an on-air shoutout and our everlasting gratitude. www.patreon.com/firethecanon   ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Jackie and Rachel interview Gerardo Sámano Córdova, whose debut novel 'Monstrilio' was released on March 7, 2023. 'Monstrilio' is, per the LA Times book review, "an unearthly hybrid that's part horror, part literary meditation on grief, part wildly entertaining tale." And, well, they were right! But it's also about so much more - a love story, an LGBT coming-of-age story, and an unsolvable philosophical puzzle, to name a few. Conversation topics include the merits of embodied cognition, how old is too old to start an MFA program, volunteering to be cannibalized, things made up by society to trap women, little monster guys, goop, what makes a human, mommy issues, daddy issues, Hereditary, The Babadook, houses with personalities, skeleton wind chimes, life in Mexico City, Berlin, and America, Frankenstein, young authors, the importance of following one's calling, and of course a respectable serving of hot goss about the book's many interesting characters.Grab your copy of Monstrilio wherever you get your books - and feel good about it, knowing its author is genuinely a super nice person who does NOT deserve to be immediately canceled.HUGE CONTENT WARNING: Detailed discussion of grief, loss of a child, gore, and cannibalism ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Welcome back!  In typical Shakespearean comedy fashion, when last we left our characters, everyone was in love with the wrong person and/or pretending to be someone they're not.  Will Viola, Orsino, Olivia, and Sebastian ever figure this mess out?!  Spoiler alert: yes.  Join us as your hosts get a li'l wacky with it.  Rachel doesn't suffer fools.  Jackie finally comes to understand the true meaning of Theo leaving.  Bekah declares the drama to be none of her affair.  By far, our gayest episode yet.  Topics include: sea plots, which characters need a hug, Dutchmen's beards, sugar babies, gay pirates (yes, Our Flag Means Death gets a mention), Stephen's pranks, the anti-insanity stone, Horton Hears a Who, Seussophobia, basilisk v. cockatrice, a wonderful boywife, and The Idiot Award. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We have great news this week - for one, we made it through another 7 days in the hellscape that is life in the 21st century, even though the Death Plume is slowly creeping toward Jackie's house. For another, much more significantly, Bekah got a new mic, which makes our first episode covering William Shakespeare's 'Twelfth Night' that much more enjoyable! We bring the early 17th century right here to your ears so you can bask in the glory that was only having to worry about the plague. Rachel has a piece of advice for Brits. Bekah meets Liv Tyler and makes a horrible idiomatic mistake. Jackie is an obnoxious little man jumping around in a Yankees cap. Topics include: ASMR, eat hot chip and lie, mukbang, weird fetishes, tarantula justice, interracial relationships, Giada De Laurentiis, surprise Serbs, gender confusion, himbos, hot twins, useless footnotes, NLOGs, She's the Man, the return of Telemachus, and dunking on H*tler.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We wrap up the ridiculously child-inappropriate children's story of Pinocchio by Carlo Collodi. Host Rachel says it best when she sums it up thusly: sometimes barely anything happens, and sometimes way too much happens. Ain't that just the way? If you, like Bekah, enjoy cruelty towards puppets, you'll enjoy this episode. Rachel is pretty sure some puppets are gay. Bekah is open to ghosts. Jackie begs Rachel to become a donkey for her, just this once. Topics include: Ethiopian proverbs, grapes in wife form, the Island of Invisible Disabilities, a dog that may be alive or dead, Reagan Republicans, a philosophical tuna, Statler and Waldorf, ghost opinions, Pinocchio the atheist, unbelievably polite dolphins, the late great Jim Henson, eating a ton of salt, Ti Voglio Bene Assai (a song so catchy it will ruin your life), the Japanese reality TV show Old Enough, ichthyology, the very serious and never funny phrase 'Mamma Mia!', and how much fun would be worth it to be transfigured into a donkey.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

You know how Rachel's cousin Megan has a mega crush on Jiminy Cricket? Well, now you do. We brought her on to explain herself. Join our Patreon to access the full episode, and other bonuses! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Today, we discuss that seminal work of puppet literature, Pinocchio!  Written by Carlo Collodi in the early 1880s, this is a very, very strange book.  It's never been faithfully adapted to film, for reasons you're about to discover.  Also: you're supposed to learn a lesson, in case you didn't notice.  We certainly didn't!  Topics include: nepotism, Jackie's “British” accent, Year is Odd: Wrath of God, a squawk, Guillermo Del Toro's unfaithfulness, puppet hate, Elmo, tiny Detroit, gabagool and capeesh, the Godfather himself, haunted wood, Candide for children, Peter Pan, hot cricket summer, Biblical plotholes, Animorphs, and Waffle House. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

We're saying goodbye to Theo as our producer and regular feature of the show, but don't worry - we haven't seen the last of him. He'll be back for various special episodes in the future. In the meantime, we hope you'll stick with Jackie and Rachel - we love you, and have a lot planned! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

The gang is back for the second half of the most absolutely whackadoodle Christmas story ever written. Sure, in episode 1 all that happened was we met some cute people who prepared for a luncheon, but now we're looking at murder, mystery, and men with wigs - not to mention an absolute f*ckton of fairies. Rachel is granted a miracle, but wastes it. Jackie has high standards for rain. Theo hatches a harebrained scheme to Christmas-prank his parents. Topics include: creepy narrators, CBD/CBT, lookin' plumptious, Catholic requirements for canonization, DMT context clues, Italian Gollum, White Lotus, the importance of communication, a family-friendly Get Low remix, praying for child labor, the proper time and place to kick a horse, Stuart Little, LotR, Cyrano de Bergerac, and a Charles Dickens Battle Royale scenario. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

After a nice long fall break, we're back atcha with the third of Dickens' five Christmas stories! This week we cover the first half of The Cricket on the Hearth: A Fairy Tale of Home. For having such a cute title, this story is surprisingly off the chain and makes us wonder, not for the first time, what Charlie D was smoking on those long nighttime walks of his. Rachel is a good tipper, despite owning a girl-fedora. Jackie teaches an impromptu Yiddish lesson. Theo only wants one thing for Christmas, and it's new fingers. Topics include: Mary Poppins, QWOP, scary old wizards, FedEx shenanigans, Ye Olde Ugly Clubbe, an excellent Taiwanese brunch, Thievin' Stephen, the 12 days of Christmas, leg mechanics, Frosty the Carrotman, starfruits, and big furry eyes. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Boy oh boy, do we have a special episode for you!  Today, in a vibes-based episode, we will be discussing the Moomins, amazing creatures created by Finnish writer/artist/anti-fascist Tove Jansson.  These days, you can find the Moomins in TV, anime, movies, books, comics, and represented on basically every type of merch.  We watched “Spring in Moomin Valley,” the first episode of the 1990 Moomin TV show (available on YouTube), and read the first few issues of the newspaper comic strip.  Theo finally hears the best song ever heard.  Jackie solves a long-standing Matt mystery.  Rachel is joined by a very special surprise guest.Topics include: visits to Houston, Jesus, the Winter War, Immanuel Kant, John Stuart Mill, possession by Moomins, Rousseau, Moomin Land, the Moomin Museum in Tampere, Reddit baby pranks, First Take Theo, Pusha T, maple syrup ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Happy belated Halloween, and welcome to Bump Patrol #3 - Monster Blood! We read and enjoy and ponder over RL Stine's rollicking 1992 monsterpiece. Stay spooky! ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Oh look, our 101th episode! In celebration, we kind of just continued doing our thing. It's what we do best. We give a mini Stoker bio and wrap up the final 9 chapters of Dracula, and things get gayer and gayer. Rachel won't stop ringing her own bell. Theo revels in life post-sexual awakening. Jackie finally takes control, to disastrous effect. Topics include: child brains, staging a play for copyright reasons, nerdgasms, being American and doing t*rrorism, special dirt, Oscar Wilde's sodomy trial, the Red-Headed Giant, the Lair of the White Worm, the meaning of the word ‘barmy', a rapid response party no one came to, breaking your back in a stupid way, the ship of Theseus, an extremely enthusiastic murder-promise, train fiends/friends, a woman doing a man thing, a man doing a woman thing, a man doing a nothing.Content warnings: homophobia, violence, LOTS of shipping logistics ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Mwahahahaha, welcome to part 2 of our miniseries on Bram Stoker's Dracula!  This week we cover chapters 10-18 of that classic Gothic horror novel.  Our team of hunters is uniting, blood is being consumed, and vampires are being staked.  Who will survive to the end of the book?!  Theo reaches nirvana, which is bad for the pod.  Jackie refuses to disclose her latitude and longitude.  Rachel finds a way to blame women no matter what.  Topics include: the appropriate behavior for a guest, gay time, Eddie Van Halen, HIPAA violations, making flowers kiss, Gandalf in the Hobbit, #thebloodisthelife, whether wolves are vampires (no), a bloofer reel, the price of garlic, the etymology of sperm whales, canonical gingers, Husband Squad, bed bugs, Stone Cold Steve Austin, penetrasche, the transitive property, The Price is Right but for character deaths, and Philip K. Dick. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Velcome, velcome, velcome to part one of Dracula. Possibly the most famous Gothic horror novel of all time, Bram Stoker's masterpiece is, for the uninitiated at least, a surprisingly complex read full of uncomfortable yet strangely compelling eroticism! We cover chapters 1-9 and tell our weekly stories. Theo has no idea how he's supposed to edit this. Jackie meets a new friend and promptly throws her under the bus. Rachel doesn't think people really need to know about the Germans. Topics include: birthday butt-grabs, Codies, friendless chickens, Amanda Bynes, a knock-down drag-out fight about sons of dragons/devils, dying like a man, Pusha T, paprika troubles, Gettin' Jiggy Wit It, a long-suffering karaoke bar employee, Drac ‘n John, Vlad the Impaler, opening a can of wamp-ass, Kim K, Kanye, and North West, cowboy puns, and important gay stuff.Content warnings: sexual assault, violence, death, baseless accusations of skeeziness leveled against many different nationalities ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week we speak to Michael Kellermeyer, proprietor of Oldstyle Tale Press (www.oldstyletales.com). ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week is a bonus episode! Enjoy hearing about the man who had a family and a few friends, then fell asleep for a while! When he awoke, the world was both similar and different.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Make sure you have your sleepytime tea and ZzzQuil (not sponsored) on hand for this one, because things are about to get spooky and you'll need calming agents to keep your wits about you. This week, we regale you with the story of one Ichabod Crane's very, very weird evening. Poor, gangly, big-nosed, gangly, awkward, and gangly Ichabod is not only easily frightened but also gangly, and he could sure have used a chill pill. Rachel cannot wait to live in a nursing home. Theo comes up with a truly horrifying game. Jackie bequeaths her shower to a cockroach. Topics include: the Kool-Aid Man, biblically accurate fingernail angels, the return of bloodhorse.com, the skinny man/plump woman archetype, Ichabod Crane: Ghost Lawyer, erasing inequality one child-whoopin' at a time, thousands of escaped crickets, the kinematic equation of velocity, Dutch Elves, Cotton Mather's “History of New England Witchcraft”, otome games, Ignus Carbunculus, Saint Vitus, dancing Transformers, and a truly pointless, but heated, argument about the fate of Ichabod's bod.  ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

This week, we bring you the tale of Washington Irving, a delightful historical troll and one of our current favorite guys.  Perhaps best known for being the author of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Rip Van Winkle, he should be even better known for his many and varied pen names.  Join us as we experience awe and delight at his weird life!  Theo suggests a new cool podcast tradition.  Rachel makes a slightly off-color joke (or does she?).  Jackie's hopped up on Irv.  Topics include: man vs. nature/society/himself, Nell's least favorite hosts, a list of ways to annoy Jackie, Andy Samberg, the Imperfect Man, rookie numbers, the perfidious Dutch, Italian witch La Befana, Eat Pray Love, Goat Man, weedos, the War of 1812, American presidents of Dutch descent, and accruing vast fortunes. ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★