The Tory: Perspectives and Poems: Dr Pratt Datta

Follies, foibles, and fascinating bits on the history of Finance. 

Can Finance be Funny? Yes, of course, especially when you look back with 20/20 hindsight and muse at all the messiness and machinations.

Hello and welcome to Bonkers, where we take the plain facts, add a splash of humour, and make even the driest topics juicier than a ripe melon at a greengrocer. Today's topic? Asset bubbles! Yes, those odd financial phenomena where people collectively decide that something as mundane as a tulip is worth more than their entire life savings.

CHAPTER XII. Alice's Evidence “Here!” cried Alice, quite forgetting in the flurry of the moment how large she had grown in the last few minutes, and she jumped up in such a hurry that she tipped over the jury-box with the edge of her skirt, upsetting all the jurymen on to the heads of the crowd below, and there they lay sprawling about, reminding her very much of a globe of goldfish she had accidentally upset the week before. “Oh, I beg your pardon!” she exclaimed in a tone of great dismay, and began picking them up again as quickly as she could, for the accident of the goldfish kept running in her head, and she had a vague sort of idea that they must be collected at once and put back into the jury-box, or they would die. “The trial cannot proceed,” said the King in a very grave voice, “until all the jurymen are back in their proper places—all,” he repeated with great emphasis, looking hard at Alice as he said so. Alice looked at the jury-box, and saw that, in her haste, she had put the Lizard in head downwards, and the poor little thing was waving its tail about in a melancholy way, being quite unable to move. She soon got it out again, and put it right; “not that it signifies much,” she said to herself; “I should think it would be quite as much use in the trial one way up as the other.” As soon as the jury had a little recovered from the shock of being upset, and their slates and pencils had been found and handed back to them, they set to work very diligently to write out a history of the accident, all except the Lizard, who seemed too much overcome to do anything but sit with its mouth open, gazing up into the roof of the court. “What do you know about this business?” the King said to Alice. “Nothing,” said Alice. “Nothing whatever?” persisted the King. “Nothing whatever,” said Alice. “That's very important,” the King said, turning to the jury. They were just beginning to write this down on their slates, when the White Rabbit interrupted: “Unimportant, your Majesty means, of course,” he said in a very respectful tone, but frowning and making faces at him as he spoke. “Unimportant, of course, I meant,” the King hastily said, and went on to himself in an undertone, “important—unimportant—unimportant—important—” as if he were trying which word sounded best. Some of the jury wrote it down “important,” and some “unimportant.” Alice could see this, as she was near enough to look over their slates; “but it doesn't matter a bit,” she thought to herself. At this moment the King, who had been for some time busily writing in his note-book, cackled out “Silence!” and read out from his book, “Rule Forty-two. All persons more than a mile high to leave the court.” Everybody looked at Alice. “I'm not a mile high,” said Alice. “You are,” said the King. “Nearly two miles high,” added the Queen. “Well, I shan't go, at any rate,” said Alice: “besides, that's not a regular rule: you invented it just now.” “It's the oldest rule in the book,” said the King. “Then it ought to be Number One,” said Alice. The King turned pale, and shut his note-book hastily. “Consider your verdict,” he said to the jury, in a low, trembling voice. “There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty,” said the White Rabbit, jumping up in a great hurry; “this paper has just been picked up.” “What's in it?” said the Queen. “I haven't opened it yet,” said the White Rabbit, “but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to—to somebody.” “It must have been that,” said the King, “unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.” “Who is it directed to?” said one of the jurymen. “It isn't directed at all,” said the White Rabbit; “in fact, there's nothing written on the outside.” He unfolded the paper as he spoke, and added “It isn't a letter, after all: it's a set of verses.” “Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?” asked another of the jurymen. “No, they're not,” said the White Rabbit, “and that's the queerest thing about it.” (The jury all looked puzzled.) “He must have imitated somebody else's hand,” said the King. (The jury all brightened up again.) “Please your Majesty,” said the Knave, “I didn't write it, and they can't prove I did: there's no name signed at the end.” “If you didn't sign it,” said the King, “that only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.” There was a general clapping of hands at this: it was the first really clever thing the King had said that day. “That proves his guilt,” said the Queen. “It proves nothing of the sort!” said Alice. “Why, you don't even know what they're about!” “Read them,” said the King. The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. “Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?” he asked. “Begin at the beginning,” the King said gravely, “and go on till you come to the end: then stop.” These were the verses the White Rabbit read:— “They told me you had been to her,     And mentioned me to him: She gave me a good character,     But said I could not swim. He sent them word I had not gone     (We know it to be true): If she should push the matter on,     What would become of you? I gave her one, they gave him two,     You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you,     Though they were mine before. If I or she should chance to be     Involved in this affair, He trusts to you to set them free,     Exactly as we were. My notion was that you had been     (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between     Him, and ourselves, and it. Don't let him know she liked them best,     For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest,     Between yourself and me.” “That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet,” said the King, rubbing his hands; “so now let the jury—” “If any one of them can explain it,” said Alice, (she had grown so large in the last few minutes that she wasn't a bit afraid of interrupting him,) “I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.” The jury all wrote down on their slates, “She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it,” but none of them attempted to explain the paper. “If there's no meaning in it,” said the King, “that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know,” he went on, spreading out the verses on his knee, and looking at them with one eye; “I seem to see some meaning in them, after all. “—said I could not swim—” you can't swim, can you?” he added, turning to the Knave. The Knave shook his head sadly. “Do I look like it?” he said. (Which he certainly did not, being made entirely of cardboard.) “All right, so far,” said the King, and he went on muttering over the verses to himself: “‘We know it to be true—' that's the jury, of course—‘I gave her one, they gave him two—' why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know—” “But, it goes on ‘they all returned from him to you,'” said Alice. “Why, there they are!” said the King triumphantly, pointing to the tarts on the table. “Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again—‘before she had this fit—' you never had fits, my dear, I think?” he said to the Queen. “Never!” said the Queen furiously, throwing an inkstand at the Lizard as she spoke. (The unfortunate little Bill had left off writing on his slate with one finger, as he found it made no mark; but he now hastily began again, using the ink, that was trickling down his face, as long as it lasted.) “Then the words don't fit you,” said the King, looking round the court with a smile. There was a dead silence. “It's a pun!” the King added in an offended tone, and everybody laughed, “Let the jury consider their verdict,” the King said, for about the twentieth time that day. “No, no!” said the Queen. “Sentence first—verdict afterwards.” “Stuff and nonsense!” said Alice loudly. “The idea of having the sentence first!” “Hold your tongue!” said the Queen, turning purple. “I won't!” said Alice. “Off with her head!” the Queen shouted at the top of her voice. Nobody moved. “Who cares for you?” said Alice, (she had grown to her full size by this time.) “You're nothing but a pack of cards!” At this the whole pack rose up into the air, and came flying down upon her: she gave a little scream, half of fright and half of anger, and tried to beat them off, and found herself lying on the bank, with her head in the lap of her sister, who was gently brushing away some dead leaves that had fluttered down from the trees upon her face. “Wake up, Alice dear!” said her sister; “Why, what a long sleep you've had!” “Oh, I've had such a curious dream!” said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about; and when she had finished, her sister kissed her, and said, “It was a curious dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it's getting late.” So Alice got up and ran off, thinking while she ran, as well she might, what a wonderful dream it had been. But her sister sat still just as she left her, leaning her head on her hand, watching the setting sun, and thinking of little Alice and all her wonderful Adventures, till she too began dreaming after a fashion, and this was her dream:— First, she dreamed of little Alice herself, and once again the tiny hands were clasped upon her knee, and the bright eager eyes were looking up into hers—she could hear the very tones of her voice, and see that queer little toss of her head to keep back the wandering hair that would always get into her eyes—and still as she listened, or seemed to listen, the whole place around her became alive with the strange creatures of her little sister's dream. The long grass rustled at her feet as the White Rabbit hurried by—the frightened Mouse splashed his way through the neighbouring pool—she could hear the rattle of the teacups as the March Hare and his friends shared their never-ending meal, and the shrill voice of the Queen ordering off her unfortunate guests to execution—once more the pig-baby was sneezing on the Duchess's knee, while plates and dishes crashed around it—once more the shriek of the Gryphon, the squeaking of the Lizard's slate-pencil, and the choking of the suppressed guinea-pigs, filled the air, mixed up with the distant sobs of the miserable Mock Turtle. So she sat on, with closed eyes, and half believed herself in Wonderland, though she knew she had but to open them again, and all would change to dull reality—the grass would be only rustling in the wind, and the pool rippling to the waving of the reeds—the rattling teacups would change to tinkling sheep-bells, and the Queen's shrill cries to the voice of the shepherd boy—and the sneeze of the baby, the shriek of the Gryphon, and all the other queer noises, would change (she knew) to the confused clamour of the busy farm-yard—while the lowing of the cattle in the distance would take the place of the Mock Turtle's heavy sobs. Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. THE END

CHAPTER XI. Who Stole the Tarts? The King and Queen of Hearts were seated on their throne when they arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them—all sorts of little birds and beasts, as well as the whole pack of cards: the Knave was standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard him; and near the King was the White Rabbit, with a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of the court was a table, with a large dish of tarts upon it: they looked so good, that it made Alice quite hungry to look at them—“I wish they'd get the trial done,” she thought, “and hand round the refreshments!” But there seemed to be no chance of this, so she began looking at everything about her, to pass away the time. Alice had never been in a court of justice before, but she had read about them in books, and she was quite pleased to find that she knew the name of nearly everything there. “That's the judge,” she said to herself, “because of his great wig.” The judge, by the way, was the King; and as he wore his crown over the wig, (look at the frontispiece if you want to see how he did it,) he did not look at all comfortable, and it was certainly not becoming. “And that's the jury-box,” thought Alice, “and those twelve creatures,” (she was obliged to say “creatures,” you see, because some of them were animals, and some were birds,) “I suppose they are the jurors.” She said this last word two or three times over to herself, being rather proud of it: for she thought, and rightly too, that very few little girls of her age knew the meaning of it at all. However, “jury-men” would have done just as well. The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. “What are they doing?” Alice whispered to the Gryphon. “They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.” “They're putting down their names,” the Gryphon whispered in reply, “for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.” “Stupid things!” Alice began in a loud, indignant voice, but she stopped hastily, for the White Rabbit cried out, “Silence in the court!” and the King put on his spectacles and looked anxiously round, to make out who was talking. Alice could see, as well as if she were looking over their shoulders, that all the jurors were writing down “stupid things!” on their slates, and she could even make out that one of them didn't know how to spell “stupid,” and that he had to ask his neighbour to tell him. “A nice muddle their slates'll be in before the trial's over!” thought Alice. One of the jurors had a pencil that squeaked. This of course, Alice could not stand, and she went round the court and got behind him, and very soon found an opportunity of taking it away. She did it so quickly that the poor little juror (it was Bill, the Lizard) could not make out at all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about for it, he was obliged to write with one finger for the rest of the day; and this was of very little use, as it left no mark on the slate. “Herald, read the accusation!” said the King. On this the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and read as follows:— “The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,     All on a summer day: The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts,     And took them quite away!” “Consider your verdict,” the King said to the jury. “Not yet, not yet!” the Rabbit hastily interrupted. “There's a great deal to come before that!” “Call the first witness,” said the King; and the White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet, and called out, “First witness!” The first witness was the Hatter. He came in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread-and-butter in the other. “I beg pardon, your Majesty,” he began, “for bringing these in: but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.” “You ought to have finished,” said the King. “When did you begin?” The Hatter looked at the March Hare, who had followed him into the court, arm-in-arm with the Dormouse. “Fourteenth of March, I think it was,” he said. “Fifteenth,” said the March Hare. “Sixteenth,” added the Dormouse. “Write that down,” the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and then added them up, and reduced the answer to shillings and pence. “Take off your hat,” the King said to the Hatter. “It isn't mine,” said the Hatter. “Stolen!” the King exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly made a memorandum of the fact. “I keep them to sell,” the Hatter added as an explanation; “I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.” Here the Queen put on her spectacles, and began staring at the Hatter, who turned pale and fidgeted. “Give your evidence,” said the King; “and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.” This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting from one foot to the other, looking uneasily at the Queen, and in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread-and-butter. Just at this moment Alice felt a very curious sensation, which puzzled her a good deal until she made out what it was: she was beginning to grow larger again, and she thought at first she would get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts she decided to remain where she was as long as there was room for her. “I wish you wouldn't squeeze so.” said the Dormouse, who was sitting next to her. “I can hardly breathe.” “I can't help it,” said Alice very meekly: “I'm growing.” “You've no right to grow here,” said the Dormouse. “Don't talk nonsense,” said Alice more boldly: “you know you're growing too.” “Yes, but I grow at a reasonable pace,” said the Dormouse: “not in that ridiculous fashion.” And he got up very sulkily and crossed over to the other side of the court. All this time the Queen had never left off staring at the Hatter, and, just as the Dormouse crossed the court, she said to one of the officers of the court, “Bring me the list of the singers in the last concert!” on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook both his shoes off. “Give your evidence,” the King repeated angrily, “or I'll have you executed, whether you're nervous or not.” “I'm a poor man, your Majesty,” the Hatter began, in a trembling voice, “—and I hadn't begun my tea—not above a week or so—and what with the bread-and-butter getting so thin—and the twinkling of the tea—” “The twinkling of the what?” said the King. “It began with the tea,” the Hatter replied. “Of course twinkling begins with a T!” said the King sharply. “Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!” “I'm a poor man,” the Hatter went on, “and most things twinkled after that—only the March Hare said—” “I didn't!” the March Hare interrupted in a great hurry. “You did!” said the Hatter. “I deny it!” said the March Hare. “He denies it,” said the King: “leave out that part.” “Well, at any rate, the Dormouse said—” the Hatter went on, looking anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Dormouse denied nothing, being fast asleep. “After that,” continued the Hatter, “I cut some more bread-and-butter—” “But what did the Dormouse say?” one of the jury asked. “That I can't remember,” said the Hatter. “You must remember,” remarked the King, “or I'll have you executed.” The miserable Hatter dropped his teacup and bread-and-butter, and went down on one knee. “I'm a poor man, your Majesty,” he began. “You're a very poor speaker,” said the King. Here one of the guinea-pigs cheered, and was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They had a large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this they slipped the guinea-pig, head first, and then sat upon it.) “I'm glad I've seen that done,” thought Alice. “I've so often read in the newspapers, at the end of trials, “There was some attempts at applause, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of the court,” and I never understood what it meant till now.” “If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,” continued the King. “I can't go no lower,” said the Hatter: “I'm on the floor, as it is.” “Then you may sit down,” the King replied. Here the other guinea-pig cheered, and was suppressed. “Come, that finished the guinea-pigs!” thought Alice. “Now we shall get on better.” “I'd rather finish my tea,” said the Hatter, with an anxious look at the Queen, who was reading the list of singers. “You may go,” said the King, and the Hatter hurriedly left the court, without even waiting to put his shoes on. “—and just take his head off outside,” the Queen added to one of the officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get to the door. “Call the next witness!” said the King. The next witness was the Duchess's cook. She carried the pepper-box in her hand, and Alice guessed who it was, even before she got into the court, by the way the people near the door began sneezing all at once. “Give your evidence,” said the King. “Shan't,” said the cook. The King looked anxiously at the White Rabbit, who said in a low voice, “Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness.” “Well, if I must, I must,” the King said, with a melancholy air, and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, “What are tarts made of?” “Pepper, mostly,” said the cook. “Treacle,” said a sleepy voice behind her. “Collar that Dormouse,” the Queen shrieked out. “Behead that Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!” For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the Dormouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, the cook had disappeared. “Never mind!” said the King, with an air of great relief. “Call the next witness.” And he added in an undertone to the Queen, “Really, my dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache!” Alice watched the White Rabbit as he fumbled over the list, feeling very curious to see what the next witness would be like, “—for they haven't got much evidence yet,” she said to herself. Imagine her surprise, when the White Rabbit read out, at the top of his shrill little voice, the name “Alice!”

CHAPTER X. The Lobster Quadrille The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice. “Same as if he had a bone in his throat,” said the Gryphon: and it set to work shaking him and punching him in the back. At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with tears running down his cheeks, he went on again:— “You may not have lived much under the sea—” (“I haven't,” said Alice)—“and perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster—” (Alice began to say “I once tasted—” but checked herself hastily, and said “No, never”) “—so you can have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster Quadrille is!” “No, indeed,” said Alice. “What sort of a dance is it?” “Why,” said the Gryphon, “you first form into a line along the sea-shore—” “Two lines!” cried the Mock Turtle. “Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way—” “That generally takes some time,” interrupted the Gryphon. “—you advance twice—” “Each with a lobster as a partner!” cried the Gryphon. “Of course,” the Mock Turtle said: “advance twice, set to partners—” “—change lobsters, and retire in same order,” continued the Gryphon. “Then, you know,” the Mock Turtle went on, “you throw the—” “The lobsters!” shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air. “—as far out to sea as you can—” “Swim after them!” screamed the Gryphon. “Turn a somersault in the sea!” cried the Mock Turtle, capering wildly about. “Change lobsters again!” yelled the Gryphon at the top of its voice. “Back to land again, and that's all the first figure,” said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice. “It must be a very pretty dance,” said Alice timidly. “Would you like to see a little of it?” said the Mock Turtle. “Very much indeed,” said Alice. “Come, let's try the first figure!” said the Mock Turtle to the Gryphon. “We can do without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing?” “Oh, you sing,” said the Gryphon. “I've forgotten the words.” So they began solemnly dancing round and round Alice, every now and then treading on her toes when they passed too close, and waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang this, very slowly and sadly:— “Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail. “There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance! They are waiting on the shingle—will you come and join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance? “You can really have no notion how delightful it will be When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!” But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance— Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance. “What matters it how far we go?” his scaly friend replied. “There is another shore, you know, upon the other side. The further off from England the nearer is to France— Then turn not pale, beloved snail, but come and join the dance. Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?” “Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch,” said Alice, feeling very glad that it was over at last: “and I do so like that curious song about the whiting!” “Oh, as to the whiting,” said the Mock Turtle, “they—you've seen them, of course?” “Yes,” said Alice, “I've often seen them at dinn—” she checked herself hastily. “I don't know where Dinn may be,” said the Mock Turtle, “but if you've seen them so often, of course you know what they're like.” “I believe so,” Alice replied thoughtfully. “They have their tails in their mouths—and they're all over crumbs.” “You're wrong about the crumbs,” said the Mock Turtle: “crumbs would all wash off in the sea. But they have their tails in their mouths; and the reason is—” here the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes.—“Tell her about the reason and all that,” he said to the Gryphon. “The reason is,” said the Gryphon, “that they would go with the lobsters to the dance. So they got thrown out to sea. So they had to fall a long way. So they got their tails fast in their mouths. So they couldn't get them out again. That's all.” “Thank you,” said Alice, “it's very interesting. I never knew so much about a whiting before.” “I can tell you more than that, if you like,” said the Gryphon. “Do you know why it's called a whiting?” “I never thought about it,” said Alice. “Why?” “It does the boots and shoes,” the Gryphon replied very solemnly. Alice was thoroughly puzzled. “Does the boots and shoes!” she repeated in a wondering tone. “Why, what are your shoes done with?” said the Gryphon. “I mean, what makes them so shiny?” Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. “They're done with blacking, I believe.” “Boots and shoes under the sea,” the Gryphon went on in a deep voice, “are done with a whiting. Now you know.” “And what are they made of?” Alice asked in a tone of great curiosity. “Soles and eels, of course,” the Gryphon replied rather impatiently: “any shrimp could have told you that.” “If I'd been the whiting,” said Alice, whose thoughts were still running on the song, “I'd have said to the porpoise, ‘Keep back, please: we don't want you with us!'” “They were obliged to have him with them,” the Mock Turtle said: “no wise fish would go anywhere without a porpoise.” “Wouldn't it really?” said Alice in a tone of great surprise. “Of course not,” said the Mock Turtle: “why, if a fish came to me, and told me he was going a journey, I should say ‘With what porpoise?'” “Don't you mean ‘purpose'?” said Alice. “I mean what I say,” the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone. And the Gryphon added “Come, let's hear some of your adventures.” “I could tell you my adventures—beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly: “but it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” “Explain all that,” said the Mock Turtle. “No, no! The adventures first,” said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: “explanations take such a dreadful time.” So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the White Rabbit. She was a little nervous about it just at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so very wide, but she gained courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating “You are old, Father William,” to the Caterpillar, and the words all coming different, and then the Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said “That's very curious.” “It's all about as curious as it can be,” said the Gryphon. “It all came different!” the Mock Turtle repeated thoughtfully. “I should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to begin.” He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice. “Stand up and repeat ‘'Tis the voice of the sluggard,'” said the Gryphon. “How the creatures order one about, and make one repeat lessons!” thought Alice; “I might as well be at school at once.” However, she got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so full of the Lobster Quadrille, that she hardly knew what she was saying, and the words came very queer indeed:— “'Tis the voice of the Lobster; I heard him declare, “You have baked me too brown, I must sugar my hair.” As a duck with its eyelids, so he with his nose Trims his belt and his buttons, and turns out his toes.” [later editions continued as follows When the sands are all dry, he is gay as a lark, And will talk in contemptuous tones of the Shark, But, when the tide rises and sharks are around, His voice has a timid and tremulous sound.] “That's different from what I used to say when I was a child,” said the Gryphon. “Well, I never heard it before,” said the Mock Turtle; “but it sounds uncommon nonsense.” Alice said nothing; she had sat down with her face in her hands, wondering if anything would ever happen in a natural way again. “I should like to have it explained,” said the Mock Turtle. “She can't explain it,” said the Gryphon hastily. “Go on with the next verse.” “But about his toes?” the Mock Turtle persisted. “How could he turn them out with his nose, you know?” “It's the first position in dancing.” Alice said; but was dreadfully puzzled by the whole thing, and longed to change the subject. “Go on with the next verse,” the Gryphon repeated impatiently: “it begins ‘I passed by his garden.'” Alice did not dare to disobey, though she felt sure it would all come wrong, and she went on in a trembling voice:— “I passed by his garden, and marked, with one eye, How the Owl and the Panther were sharing a pie—” [later editions continued as follows The Panther took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat, While the Owl had the dish as its share of the treat. When the pie was all finished, the Owl, as a boon, Was kindly permitted to pocket the spoon: While the Panther received knife and fork with a growl, And concluded the banquet—] “What is the use of repeating all that stuff,” the Mock Turtle interrupted, “if you don't explain it as you go on? It's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard!” “Yes, I think you'd better leave off,” said the Gryphon: and Alice was only too glad to do so. “Shall we try another figure of the Lobster Quadrille?” the Gryphon went on. “Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song?” “Oh, a song, please, if the Mock Turtle would be so kind,” Alice replied, so eagerly that the Gryphon said, in a rather offended tone, “Hm! No accounting for tastes! Sing her ‘Turtle Soup,' will you, old fellow?” The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes choked with sobs, to sing this:— “Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen! Who for such dainties would not stoop? Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup! Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!     Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!     Beau—ootiful Soo—oop! Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,     Beautiful, beautiful Soup! “Beautiful Soup! Who cares for fish, Game, or any other dish? Who would not give all else for two p ennyworth only of beautiful Soup? Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup?     Beau—ootiful Soo—oop!     Beau—ootiful Soo—oop! Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,     Beautiful, beauti—FUL SOUP!” “Chorus again!” cried the Gryphon, and the Mock Turtle had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of “The trial's beginning!” was heard in the distance. “Come on!” cried the Gryphon, and, taking Alice by the hand, it hurried off, without waiting for the end of the song. “What trial is it?” Alice panted as she ran; but the Gryphon only answered “Come on!” and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words:— “Soo—oop of the e—e—evening,     Beautiful, beautiful Soup!”

CHAPTER IX. The Mock Turtle's Story “You can't think how glad I am to see you again, you dear old thing!” said the Duchess, as she tucked her arm affectionately into Alice's, and they walked off together. Alice was very glad to find her in such a pleasant temper, and thought to herself that perhaps it was only the pepper that had made her so savage when they met in the kitchen. “When I'm a Duchess,” she said to herself, (not in a very hopeful tone though), “I won't have any pepper in my kitchen at all. Soup does very well without—Maybe it's always pepper that makes people hot-tempered,” she went on, very much pleased at having found out a new kind of rule, “and vinegar that makes them sour—and camomile that makes them bitter—and—and barley-sugar and such things that make children sweet-tempered. I only wish people knew that: then they wouldn't be so stingy about it, you know—” She had quite forgotten the Duchess by this time, and was a little startled when she heard her voice close to her ear. “You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.” “Perhaps it hasn't one,” Alice ventured to remark. “Tut, tut, child!” said the Duchess. “Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.” And she squeezed herself up closer to Alice's side as she spoke. Alice did not much like keeping so close to her: first, because the Duchess was very ugly; and secondly, because she was exactly the right height to rest her chin upon Alice's shoulder, and it was an uncomfortably sharp chin. However, she did not like to be rude, so she bore it as well as she could. “The game's going on rather better now,” she said, by way of keeping up the conversation a little. “'Tis so,” said the Duchess: “and the moral of that is—‘Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round!'” “Somebody said,” Alice whispered, “that it's done by everybody minding their own business!” “Ah, well! It means much the same thing,” said the Duchess, digging her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder as she added, “and the moral of that is—‘Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves.'” “How fond she is of finding morals in things!” Alice thought to herself. “I dare say you're wondering why I don't put my arm round your waist,” the Duchess said after a pause: “the reason is, that I'm doubtful about the temper of your flamingo. Shall I try the experiment?” “He might bite,” Alice cautiously replied, not feeling at all anxious to have the experiment tried. “Very true,” said the Duchess: “flamingoes and mustard both bite. And the moral of that is—‘Birds of a feather flock together.'” “Only mustard isn't a bird,” Alice remarked. “Right, as usual,” said the Duchess: “what a clear way you have of putting things!” “It's a mineral, I think,” said Alice. “Of course it is,” said the Duchess, who seemed ready to agree to everything that Alice said; “there's a large mustard-mine near here. And the moral of that is—‘The more there is of mine, the less there is of yours.'” “Oh, I know!” exclaimed Alice, who had not attended to this last remark, “it's a vegetable. It doesn't look like one, but it is.” “I quite agree with you,” said the Duchess; “and the moral of that is—‘Be what you would seem to be'—or if you'd like it put more simply—‘Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.'” “I think I should understand that better,” Alice said very politely, “if I had it written down: but I can't quite follow it as you say it.” “That's nothing to what I could say if I chose,” the Duchess replied, in a pleased tone. “Pray don't trouble yourself to say it any longer than that,” said Alice. “Oh, don't talk about trouble!” said the Duchess. “I make you a present of everything I've said as yet.” “A cheap sort of present!” thought Alice. “I'm glad they don't give birthday presents like that!” But she did not venture to say it out loud. “Thinking again?” the Duchess asked, with another dig of her sharp little chin. “I've a right to think,” said Alice sharply, for she was beginning to feel a little worried. “Just about as much right,” said the Duchess, “as pigs have to fly; and the m—” But here, to Alice's great surprise, the Duchess's voice died away, even in the middle of her favourite word ‘moral,' and the arm that was linked into hers began to tremble. Alice looked up, and there stood the Queen in front of them, with her arms folded, frowning like a thunderstorm. “A fine day, your Majesty!” the Duchess began in a low, weak voice. “Now, I give you fair warning,” shouted the Queen, stamping on the ground as she spoke; “either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take your choice!” The Duchess took her choice, and was gone in a moment. “Let's go on with the game,” the Queen said to Alice; and Alice was too much frightened to say a word, but slowly followed her back to the croquet-ground. The other guests had taken advantage of the Queen's absence, and were resting in the shade: however, the moment they saw her, they hurried back to the game, the Queen merely remarking that a moment's delay would cost them their lives. All the time they were playing the Queen never left off quarrelling with the other players, and shouting “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” Those whom she sentenced were taken into custody by the soldiers, who of course had to leave off being arches to do this, so that by the end of half an hour or so there were no arches left, and all the players, except the King, the Queen, and Alice, were in custody and under sentence of execution. Then the Queen left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, “Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet?” “No,” said Alice. “I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.” “It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from,” said the Queen. “I never saw one, or heard of one,” said Alice. “Come on, then,” said the Queen, “and he shall tell you his history,” As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a low voice, to the company generally, “You are all pardoned.” “Come, that's a good thing!” she said to herself, for she had felt quite unhappy at the number of executions the Queen had ordered. They very soon came upon a Gryphon, lying fast asleep in the sun. (If you don't know what a Gryphon is, look at the picture.) “Up, lazy thing!” said the Queen, “and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle, and to hear his history. I must go back and see after some executions I have ordered;” and she walked off, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon. Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, but on the whole she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with it as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited. The Gryphon sat up and rubbed its eyes: then it watched the Queen till she was out of sight: then it chuckled. “What fun!” said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice. “What is the fun?” said Alice. “Why, she,” said the Gryphon. “It's all her fancy, that: they never executes nobody, you know. Come on!” “Everybody says ‘come on!' here,” thought Alice, as she went slowly after it: “I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!” They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. “What is his sorrow?” she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon answered, very nearly in the same words as before, “It's all his fancy, that: he hasn't got no sorrow, you know. Come on!” So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, but said nothing. “This here young lady,” said the Gryphon, “she wants for to know your history, she do.” “I'll tell it her,” said the Mock Turtle in a deep, hollow tone: “sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.” So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes. Alice thought to herself, “I don't see how he can ever finish, if he doesn't begin.” But she waited patiently. “Once,” said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, “I was a real Turtle.” These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of “Hjckrrh!” from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying, “Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,” but she could not help thinking there must be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing. “When we were little,” the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, “we went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle—we used to call him Tortoise—” “Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one?” Alice asked. “We called him Tortoise because he taught us,” said the Mock Turtle angrily: “really you are very dull!” “You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question,” added the Gryphon; and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth. At last the Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, “Drive on, old fellow! Don't be all day about it!” and he went on in these words: “Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it—” “I never said I didn't!” interrupted Alice. “You did,” said the Mock Turtle. “Hold your tongue!” added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again. The Mock Turtle went on. “We had the best of educations—in fact, we went to school every day—” “I've been to a day-school, too,” said Alice; “you needn't be so proud as all that.” “With extras?” asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously. “Yes,” said Alice, “we learned French and music.” “And washing?” said the Mock Turtle. “Certainly not!” said Alice indignantly. “Ah! then yours wasn't a really good school,” said the Mock Turtle in a tone of great relief. “Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, ‘French, music, and washing—extra.'” “You couldn't have wanted it much,” said Alice; “living at the bottom of the sea.” “I couldn't afford to learn it.” said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. “I only took the regular course.” “What was that?” inquired Alice. “Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with,” the Mock Turtle replied; “and then the different branches of Arithmetic—Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.” “I never heard of ‘Uglification,'” Alice ventured to say. “What is it?” The Gryphon lifted up both its paws in surprise. “What! Never heard of uglifying!” it exclaimed. “You know what to beautify is, I suppose?” “Yes,” said Alice doubtfully: “it means—to—make—anything—prettier.” “Well, then,” the Gryphon went on, “if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton.” Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about it, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said “What else had you to learn?” “Well, there was Mystery,” the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers, “—Mystery, ancient and modern, with Seaography: then Drawling—the Drawling-master was an old conger-eel, that used to come once a week: he taught us Drawling, Stretching, and Fainting in Coils.” “What was that like?” said Alice. “Well, I can't show it you myself,” the Mock Turtle said: “I'm too stiff. And the Gryphon never learnt it.” “Hadn't time,” said the Gryphon: “I went to the Classics master, though. He was an old crab, he was.” “I never went to him,” the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: “he taught Laughing and Grief, they used to say.” “So he did, so he did,” said the Gryphon, sighing in his turn; and both creatures hid their faces in their paws. “And how many hours a day did you do lessons?” said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject. “Ten hours the first day,” said the Mock Turtle: “nine the next, and so on.” “What a curious plan!” exclaimed Alice. “That's the reason they're called lessons,” the Gryphon remarked: “because they lessen from day to day.” This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. “Then the eleventh day must have been a holiday?” “Of course it was,” said the Mock Turtle. “And how did you manage on the twelfth?” Alice went on eagerly. “That's enough about lessons,” the Gryphon interrupted in a very decided tone: “tell her something about the games now.”

CHAPTER VIII. The Queen's Croquet-Ground A large rose-tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily painting them red. Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them, and just as she came up to them she heard one of them say, “Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing paint over me like that!” “I couldn't help it,” said Five, in a sulky tone; “Seven jogged my elbow.” On which Seven looked up and said, “That's right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!” “You'd better not talk!” said Five. “I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!” “What for?” said the one who had spoken first. “That's none of your business, Two!” said Seven. “Yes, it is his business!” said Five, “and I'll tell him—it was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions.” Seven flung down his brush, and had just begun “Well, of all the unjust things—” when his eye chanced to fall upon Alice, as she stood watching them, and he checked himself suddenly: the others looked round also, and all of them bowed low. “Would you tell me,” said Alice, a little timidly, “why you are painting those roses?” Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two. Two began in a low voice, “Why the fact is, you see, Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut off, you know. So you see, Miss, we're doing our best, afore she comes, to—” At this moment Five, who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called out “The Queen! The Queen!” and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice looked round, eager to see the Queen. First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; these were all shaped like the three gardeners, oblong and flat, with their hands and feet at the corners: next the ten courtiers; these were ornamented all over with diamonds, and walked two and two, as the soldiers did. After these came the royal children; there were ten of them, and the little dears came jumping merrily along hand in hand, in couples: they were all ornamented with hearts. Next came the guests, mostly Kings and Queens, and among them Alice recognised the White Rabbit: it was talking in a hurried nervous manner, smiling at everything that was said, and went by without noticing her. Then followed the Knave of Hearts, carrying the King's crown on a crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came THE KING AND QUEEN OF HEARTS. Alice was rather doubtful whether she ought not to lie down on her face like the three gardeners, but she could not remember ever having heard of such a rule at processions; “and besides, what would be the use of a procession,” thought she, “if people had all to lie down upon their faces, so that they couldn't see it?” So she stood still where she was, and waited. When the procession came opposite to Alice, they all stopped and looked at her, and the Queen said severely “Who is this?” She said it to the Knave of Hearts, who only bowed and smiled in reply. “Idiot!” said the Queen, tossing her head impatiently; and, turning to Alice, she went on, “What's your name, child?” “My name is Alice, so please your Majesty,” said Alice very politely; but she added, to herself, “Why, they're only a pack of cards, after all. I needn't be afraid of them!” “And who are these?” said the Queen, pointing to the three gardeners who were lying round the rose-tree; for, you see, as they were lying on their faces, and the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the pack, she could not tell whether they were gardeners, or soldiers, or courtiers, or three of her own children. “How should I know?” said Alice, surprised at her own courage. “It's no business of mine.” The Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at her for a moment like a wild beast, screamed “Off with her head! Off—” “Nonsense!” said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent. The King laid his hand upon her arm, and timidly said “Consider, my dear: she is only a child!” The Queen turned angrily away from him, and said to the Knave “Turn them over!” The Knave did so, very carefully, with one foot. “Get up!” said the Queen, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three gardeners instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the King, the Queen, the royal children, and everybody else. “Leave off that!” screamed the Queen. “You make me giddy.” And then, turning to the rose-tree, she went on, “What have you been doing here?” “May it please your Majesty,” said Two, in a very humble tone, going down on one knee as he spoke, “we were trying—” “I see!” said the Queen, who had meanwhile been examining the roses. “Off with their heads!” and the procession moved on, three of the soldiers remaining behind to execute the unfortunate gardeners, who ran to Alice for protection. “You shan't be beheaded!” said Alice, and she put them into a large flower-pot that stood near. The three soldiers wandered about for a minute or two, looking for them, and then quietly marched off after the others. “Are their heads off?” shouted the Queen. “Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty!” the soldiers shouted in reply. “That's right!” shouted the Queen. “Can you play croquet?” The soldiers were silent, and looked at Alice, as the question was evidently meant for her. “Yes!” shouted Alice. “Come on, then!” roared the Queen, and Alice joined the procession, wondering very much what would happen next. “It's—it's a very fine day!” said a timid voice at her side. She was walking by the White Rabbit, who was peeping anxiously into her face. “Very,” said Alice: “—where's the Duchess?” “Hush! Hush!” said the Rabbit in a low, hurried tone. He looked anxiously over his shoulder as he spoke, and then raised himself upon tiptoe, put his mouth close to her ear, and whispered “She's under sentence of execution.” “What for?” said Alice. “Did you say ‘What a pity!'?” the Rabbit asked. “No, I didn't,” said Alice: “I don't think it's at all a pity. I said ‘What for?'” “She boxed the Queen's ears—” the Rabbit began. Alice gave a little scream of laughter. “Oh, hush!” the Rabbit whispered in a frightened tone. “The Queen will hear you! You see, she came rather late, and the Queen said—” “Get to your places!” shouted the Queen in a voice of thunder, and people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against each other; however, they got settled down in a minute or two, and the game began. Alice thought she had never seen such a curious croquet-ground in her life; it was all ridges and furrows; the balls were live hedgehogs, the mallets live flamingoes, and the soldiers had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and feet, to make the arches. The chief difficulty Alice found at first was in managing her flamingo: she succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably enough, under her arm, with its legs hanging down, but generally, just as she had got its neck nicely straightened out, and was going to give the hedgehog a blow with its head, it would twist itself round and look up in her face, with such a puzzled expression that she could not help bursting out laughing: and when she had got its head down, and was going to begin again, it was very provoking to find that the hedgehog had unrolled itself, and was in the act of crawling away: besides all this, there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way wherever she wanted to send the hedgehog to, and, as the doubled-up soldiers were always getting up and walking off to other parts of the ground, Alice soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed. The players all played at once without waiting for turns, quarrelling all the while, and fighting for the hedgehogs; and in a very short time the Queen was in a furious passion, and went stamping about, and shouting “Off with his head!” or “Off with her head!” about once in a minute. Alice began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, she had not as yet had any dispute with the Queen, but she knew that it might happen any minute, “and then,” thought she, “what would become of me? They're dreadfully fond of beheading people here; the great wonder is, that there's any one left alive!” She was looking about for some way of escape, and wondering whether she could get away without being seen, when she noticed a curious appearance in the air: it puzzled her very much at first, but, after watching it a minute or two, she made it out to be a grin, and she said to herself “It's the Cheshire Cat: now I shall have somebody to talk to.” “How are you getting on?” said the Cat, as soon as there was mouth enough for it to speak with. Alice waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded. “It's no use speaking to it,” she thought, “till its ears have come, or at least one of them.” In another minute the whole head appeared, and then Alice put down her flamingo, and began an account of the game, feeling very glad she had someone to listen to her. The Cat seemed to think that there was enough of it now in sight, and no more of it appeared. “I don't think they play at all fairly,” Alice began, in rather a complaining tone, “and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't hear oneself speak—and they don't seem to have any rules in particular; at least, if there are, nobody attends to them—and you've no idea how confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance, there's the arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the ground—and I should have croqueted the Queen's hedgehog just now, only it ran away when it saw mine coming!” “How do you like the Queen?” said the Cat in a low voice. “Not at all,” said Alice: “she's so extremely—” Just then she noticed that the Queen was close behind her, listening: so she went on, “—likely to win, that it's hardly worth while finishing the game.” The Queen smiled and passed on. “Who are you talking to?” said the King, going up to Alice, and looking at the Cat's head with great curiosity. “It's a friend of mine—a Cheshire Cat,” said Alice: “allow me to introduce it.” “I don't like the look of it at all,” said the King: “however, it may kiss my hand if it likes.” “I'd rather not,” the Cat remarked. “Don't be impertinent,” said the King, “and don't look at me like that!” He got behind Alice as he spoke. “A cat may look at a king,” said Alice. “I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where.” “Well, it must be removed,” said the King very decidedly, and he called the Queen, who was passing at the moment, “My dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!” The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. “Off with his head!” she said, without even looking round. “I'll fetch the executioner myself,” said the King eagerly, and he hurried off. Alice thought she might as well go back, and see how the game was going on, as she heard the Queen's voice in the distance, screaming with passion. She had already heard her sentence three of the players to be executed for having missed their turns, and she did not like the look of things at all, as the game was in such confusion that she never knew whether it was her turn or not. So she went in search of her hedgehog. The hedgehog was engaged in a fight with another hedgehog, which seemed to Alice an excellent opportunity for croqueting one of them with the other: the only difficulty was, that her flamingo was gone across to the other side of the garden, where Alice could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a tree. By the time she had caught the flamingo and brought it back, the fight was over, and both the hedgehogs were out of sight: “but it doesn't matter much,” thought Alice, “as all the arches are gone from this side of the ground.” So she tucked it away under her arm, that it might not escape again, and went back for a little more conversation with her friend. When she got back to the Cheshire Cat, she was surprised to find quite a large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on between the executioner, the King, and the Queen, who were all talking at once, while all the rest were quite silent, and looked very uncomfortable. The moment Alice appeared, she was appealed to by all three to settle the question, and they repeated their arguments to her, though, as they all spoke at once, she found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what they said. The executioner's argument was, that you couldn't cut off a head unless there was a body to cut it off from: that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to begin at his time of life. The King's argument was, that anything that had a head could be beheaded, and that you weren't to talk nonsense. The Queen's argument was, that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time she'd have everybody executed, all round. (It was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and anxious.) Alice could think of nothing else to say but “It belongs to the Duchess: you'd better ask her about it.” “She's in prison,” the Queen said to the executioner: “fetch her here.” And the executioner went off like an arrow. The Cat's head began fading away the moment he was gone, and, by the time he had come back with the Duchess, it had entirely disappeared; so the King and the executioner ran wildly up and down looking for it, while the rest of the party went back to the game.

CHAPTER VI. Pig and Pepper For a minute or two she stood looking at the house, and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood—(she considered him to be a footman because he was in livery: otherwise, judging by his face only, she would have called him a fish)—and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Alice noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads. She felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen. The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, “For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.” The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, “From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.” Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together. Alice laughed so much at this, that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her; and when she next peeped out the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky. Alice went timidly up to the door, and knocked. “There's no sort of use in knocking,” said the Footman, “and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.” And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within—a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces. “Please, then,” said Alice, “how am I to get in?” “There might be some sense in your knocking,” the Footman went on without attending to her, “if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were inside, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.” He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Alice thought decidedly uncivil. “But perhaps he can't help it,” she said to herself; “his eyes are so very nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions.—How am I to get in?” she repeated, aloud. “I shall sit here,” the Footman remarked, “till tomorrow—” At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out, straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him. “—or next day, maybe,” the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened. “How am I to get in?” asked Alice again, in a louder tone. “Are you to get in at all?” said the Footman. “That's the first question, you know.” It was, no doubt: only Alice did not like to be told so. “It's really dreadful,” she muttered to herself, “the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!” The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark, with variations. “I shall sit here,” he said, “on and off, for days and days.” “But what am I to do?” said Alice. “Anything you like,” said the Footman, and began whistling. “Oh, there's no use in talking to him,” said Alice desperately: “he's perfectly idiotic!” And she opened the door and went in. The door led right into a large kitchen, which was full of smoke from one end to the other: the Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle, nursing a baby; the cook was leaning over the fire, stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup. “There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!” Alice said to herself, as well as she could for sneezing. There was certainly too much of it in the air. Even the Duchess sneezed occasionally; and as for the baby, it was sneezing and howling alternately without a moment's pause. The only things in the kitchen that did not sneeze, were the cook, and a large cat which was sitting on the hearth and grinning from ear to ear. “Please would you tell me,” said Alice, a little timidly, for she was not quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first, “why your cat grins like that?” “It's a Cheshire cat,” said the Duchess, “and that's why. Pig!” She said the last word with such sudden violence that Alice quite jumped; but she saw in another moment that it was addressed to the baby, and not to her, so she took courage, and went on again:— “I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned; in fact, I didn't know that cats could grin.” “They all can,” said the Duchess; “and most of 'em do.” “I don't know of any that do,” Alice said very politely, feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation. “You don't know much,” said the Duchess; “and that's a fact.” Alice did not at all like the tone of this remark, and thought it would be as well to introduce some other subject of conversation. While she was trying to fix on one, the cook took the cauldron of soup off the fire, and at once set to work throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby—the fire-irons came first; then followed a shower of saucepans, plates, and dishes. The Duchess took no notice of them even when they hit her; and the baby was howling so much already, that it was quite impossible to say whether the blows hurt it or not. “Oh, please mind what you're doing!” cried Alice, jumping up and down in an agony of terror. “Oh, there goes his precious nose!” as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it, and very nearly carried it off. “If everybody minded their own business,” the Duchess said in a hoarse growl, “the world would go round a deal faster than it does.” “Which would not be an advantage,” said Alice, who felt very glad to get an opportunity of showing off a little of her knowledge. “Just think of what work it would make with the day and night! You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis—” “Talking of axes,” said the Duchess, “chop off her head!” Alice glanced rather anxiously at the cook, to see if she meant to take the hint; but the cook was busily stirring the soup, and seemed not to be listening, so she went on again: “Twenty-four hours, I think; or is it twelve? I—” “Oh, don't bother me,” said the Duchess; “I never could abide figures!” And with that she began nursing her child again, singing a sort of lullaby to it as she did so, and giving it a violent shake at the end of every line: “Speak roughly to your little boy,     And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy,     Because he knows it teases.” CHORUS. (In which the cook and the baby joined): “Wow! wow! wow!” While the Duchess sang the second verse of the song, she kept tossing the baby violently up and down, and the poor little thing howled so, that Alice could hardly hear the words:— “I speak severely to my boy,     I beat him when he sneezes; For he can thoroughly enjoy     The pepper when he pleases!” CHORUS. “Wow! wow! wow!” “Here! you may nurse it a bit, if you like!” the Duchess said to Alice, flinging the baby at her as she spoke. “I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen,” and she hurried out of the room. The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went out, but it just missed her. Alice caught the baby with some difficulty, as it was a queer-shaped little creature, and held out its arms and legs in all directions, “just like a star-fish,” thought Alice. The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it, and kept doubling itself up and straightening itself out again, so that altogether, for the first minute or two, it was as much as she could do to hold it. As soon as she had made out the proper way of nursing it, (which was to twist it up into a sort of knot, and then keep tight hold of its right ear and left foot, so as to prevent its undoing itself,) she carried it out into the open air. “If I don't take this child away with me,” thought Alice, “they're sure to kill it in a day or two: wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?” She said the last words out loud, and the little thing grunted in reply (it had left off sneezing by this time). “Don't grunt,” said Alice; “that's not at all a proper way of expressing yourself.” The baby grunted again, and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it. There could be no doubt that it had a very turn-up nose, much more like a snout than a real nose; also its eyes were getting extremely small for a baby: altogether Alice did not like the look of the thing at all. “But perhaps it was only sobbing,” she thought, and looked into its eyes again, to see if there were any tears. No, there were no tears. “If you're going to turn into a pig, my dear,” said Alice, seriously, “I'll have nothing more to do with you. Mind now!” The poor little thing sobbed again (or grunted, it was impossible to say which), and they went on for some while in silence. Alice was just beginning to think to herself, “Now, what am I to do with this creature when I get it home?” when it grunted again, so violently, that she looked down into its face in some alarm. This time there could be no mistake about it: it was neither more nor less than a pig, and she felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it further. So she set the little creature down, and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood. “If it had grown up,” she said to herself, “it would have made a dreadfully ugly child: but it makes rather a handsome pig, I think.” And she began thinking over other children she knew, who might do very well as pigs, and was just saying to herself, “if one only knew the right way to change them—” when she was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off. The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice. It looked good-natured, she thought: still it had very long claws and a great many teeth, so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect. “Cheshire Puss,” she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. “Come, it's pleased so far,” thought Alice, and she went on. “Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?” “That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat. “I don't much care where—” said Alice. “Then it doesn't matter which way you go,” said the Cat. “—so long as I get somewhere,” Alice added as an explanation. “Oh, you're sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.” Alice felt that this could not be denied, so she tried another question. “What sort of people live about here?” “In that direction,” the Cat said, waving its right paw round, “lives a Hatter: and in that direction,” waving the other paw, “lives a March Hare. Visit either you like: they're both mad.” “But I don't want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked. “Oh, you can't help that,” said the Cat: “we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.” “How do you know I'm mad?” said Alice. “You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn't have come here.” Alice didn't think that proved it at all; however, she went on “And how do you know that you're mad?” “To begin with,” said the Cat, “a dog's not mad. You grant that?” “I suppose so,” said Alice. “Well, then,” the Cat went on, “you see, a dog growls when it's angry, and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.” “I call it purring, not growling,” said Alice. “Call it what you like,” said the Cat. “Do you play croquet with the Queen to-day?” “I should like it very much,” said Alice, “but I haven't been invited yet.” “You'll see me there,” said the Cat, and vanished. Alice was not much surprised at this, she was getting so used to queer things happening. While she was looking at the place where it had been, it suddenly appeared again. “By-the-bye, what became of the baby?” said the Cat. “I'd nearly forgotten to ask.” “It turned into a pig,” Alice quietly said, just as if it had come back in a natural way. “I thought it would,” said the Cat, and vanished again. Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, but it did not appear, and after a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare was said to live. “I've seen hatters before,” she said to herself; “the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving mad—at least not so mad as it was in March.” As she said this, she looked up, and there was the Cat again, sitting on a branch of a tree. “Did you say pig, or fig?” said the Cat. “I said pig,” replied Alice; “and I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly: you make one quite giddy.” “All right,” said the Cat; and this time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail, and ending with the grin, which remained some time after the rest of it had gone. “Well! I've often seen a cat without a grin,” thought Alice; “but a grin without a cat! It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!” She had not gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of the March Hare: she thought it must be the right house, because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur. It was so large a house, that she did not like to go nearer till she had nibbled some more of the lefthand bit of mushroom, and raised herself to about two feet high: even then she walked up towards it rather timidly, saying to herself “Suppose it should be raving mad after all! I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead!”

CHAPTER V. Advice from a Caterpillar The Caterpillar and Alice looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth, and addressed her in a languid, sleepy voice. “Who are you?” said the Caterpillar. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.” “What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar sternly. “Explain yourself!” “I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,” said Alice, “because I'm not myself, you see.” “I don't see,” said the Caterpillar. “I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,” Alice replied very politely, “for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.” “It isn't,” said the Caterpillar. “Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,” said Alice; “but when you have to turn into a chrysalis—you will some day, you know—and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?” “Not a bit,” said the Caterpillar. “Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,” said Alice; “all I know is, it would feel very queer to me.” “You!” said the Caterpillar contemptuously. “Who are you?” Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation. Alice felt a little irritated at the Caterpillar's making such very short remarks, and she drew herself up and said, very gravely, “I think, you ought to tell me who you are, first.” “Why?” said the Caterpillar. Here was another puzzling question; and as Alice could not think of any good reason, and as the Caterpillar seemed to be in a very unpleasant state of mind, she turned away. “Come back!” the Caterpillar called after her. “I've something important to say!” This sounded promising, certainly: Alice turned and came back again. “Keep your temper,” said the Caterpillar. “Is that all?” said Alice, swallowing down her anger as well as she could. “No,” said the Caterpillar. Alice thought she might as well wait, as she had nothing else to do, and perhaps after all it might tell her something worth hearing. For some minutes it puffed away without speaking, but at last it unfolded its arms, took the hookah out of its mouth again, and said, “So you think you're changed, do you?” “I'm afraid I am, sir,” said Alice; “I can't remember things as I used—and I don't keep the same size for ten minutes together!” “Can't remember what things?” said the Caterpillar. “Well, I've tried to say “How doth the little busy bee,” but it all came different!” Alice replied in a very melancholy voice. “Repeat, “You are old, Father William,'” said the Caterpillar. Alice folded her hands, and began:— “You are old, Father William,” the young man said,     “And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head—     Do you think, at your age, it is right?” “In my youth,” Father William replied to his son,     “I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,     Why, I do it again and again.” “You are old,” said the youth, “as I mentioned before,     And have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door—     Pray, what is the reason of that?” “In my youth,” said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,     “I kept all my limbs very supple By the use of this ointment—one shilling the box—     Allow me to sell you a couple?” “You are old,” said the youth, “and your jaws are too weak     For anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak—     Pray, how did you manage to do it?” “In my youth,” said his father, “I took to the law,     And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw,     Has lasted the rest of my life.” “You are old,” said the youth, “one would hardly suppose     That your eye was as steady as ever; Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose—     What made you so awfully clever?” “I have answered three questions, and that is enough,”     Said his father; “don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?     Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!” “That is not said right,” said the Caterpillar. “Not quite right, I'm afraid,” said Alice, timidly; “some of the words have got altered.” “It is wrong from beginning to end,” said the Caterpillar decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes. The Caterpillar was the first to speak. “What size do you want to be?” it asked. “Oh, I'm not particular as to size,” Alice hastily replied; “only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.” “I don't know,” said the Caterpillar. Alice said nothing: she had never been so much contradicted in her life before, and she felt that she was losing her temper. “Are you content now?” said the Caterpillar. “Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if you wouldn't mind,” said Alice: “three inches is such a wretched height to be.” “It is a very good height indeed!” said the Caterpillar angrily, rearing itself upright as it spoke (it was exactly three inches high). “But I'm not used to it!” pleaded poor Alice in a piteous tone. And she thought of herself, “I wish the creatures wouldn't be so easily offended!” “You'll get used to it in time,” said the Caterpillar; and it put the hookah into its mouth and began smoking again. This time Alice waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two the Caterpillar took the hookah out of its mouth and yawned once or twice, and shook itself. Then it got down off the mushroom, and crawled away in the grass, merely remarking as it went, “One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.” “One side of what? The other side of what?” thought Alice to herself. “Of the mushroom,” said the Caterpillar, just as if she had asked it aloud; and in another moment it was out of sight. Alice remained looking thoughtfully at the mushroom for a minute, trying to make out which were the two sides of it; and as it was perfectly round, she found this a very difficult question. However, at last she stretched her arms round it as far as they would go, and broke off a bit of the edge with each hand. “And now which is which?” she said to herself, and nibbled a little of the right-hand bit to try the effect: the next moment she felt a violent blow underneath her chin: it had struck her foot! She was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change, but she felt that there was no time to be lost, as she was shrinking rapidly; so she set to work at once to eat some of the other bit. Her chin was pressed so closely against her foot, that there was hardly room to open her mouth; but she did it at last, and managed to swallow a morsel of the lefthand bit. *      *      *      *      *      *      *     *      *      *      *      *      * *      *      *      *      *      *      * “Come, my head's free at last!” said Alice in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment, when she found that her shoulders were nowhere to be found: all she could see, when she looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise like a stalk out of a sea of green leaves that lay far below her. “What can all that green stuff be?” said Alice. “And where have my shoulders got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can't see you?” She was moving them about as she spoke, but no result seemed to follow, except a little shaking among the distant green leaves. As there seemed to be no chance of getting her hands up to her head, she tried to get her head down to them, and was delighted to find that her neck would bend about easily in any direction, like a serpent. She had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful zigzag, and was going to dive in among the leaves, which she found to be nothing but the tops of the trees under which she had been wandering, when a sharp hiss made her draw back in a hurry: a large pigeon had flown into her face, and was beating her violently with its wings. “Serpent!” screamed the Pigeon. “I'm not a serpent!” said Alice indignantly. “Let me alone!” “Serpent, I say again!” repeated the Pigeon, but in a more subdued tone, and added with a kind of sob, “I've tried every way, and nothing seems to suit them!” “I haven't the least idea what you're talking about,” said Alice. “I've tried the roots of trees, and I've tried banks, and I've tried hedges,” the Pigeon went on, without attending to her; “but those serpents! There's no pleasing them!” Alice was more and more puzzled, but she thought there was no use in saying anything more till the Pigeon had finished. “As if it wasn't trouble enough hatching the eggs,” said the Pigeon; “but I must be on the look-out for serpents night and day! Why, I haven't had a wink of sleep these three weeks!” “I'm very sorry you've been annoyed,” said Alice, who was beginning to see its meaning. “And just as I'd taken the highest tree in the wood,” continued the Pigeon, raising its voice to a shriek, “and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, they must needs come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, Serpent!” “But I'm not a serpent, I tell you!” said Alice. “I'm a—I'm a—” “Well! What are you?” said the Pigeon. “I can see you're trying to invent something!” “I—I'm a little girl,” said Alice, rather doubtfully, as she remembered the number of changes she had gone through that day. “A likely story indeed!” said the Pigeon in a tone of the deepest contempt. “I've seen a good many little girls in my time, but never one with such a neck as that! No, no! You're a serpent; and there's no use denying it. I suppose you'll be telling me next that you never tasted an egg!” “I have tasted eggs, certainly,” said Alice, who was a very truthful child; “but little girls eat eggs quite as much as serpents do, you know.” “I don't believe it,” said the Pigeon; “but if they do, why then they're a kind of serpent, that's all I can say.” This was such a new idea to Alice, that she was quite silent for a minute or two, which gave the Pigeon the opportunity of adding, “You're looking for eggs, I know that well enough; and what does it matter to me whether you're a little girl or a serpent?” “It matters a good deal to me,” said Alice hastily; “but I'm not looking for eggs, as it happens; and if I was, I shouldn't want yours: I don't like them raw.” “Well, be off, then!” said the Pigeon in a sulky tone, as it settled down again into its nest. Alice crouched down among the trees as well as she could, for her neck kept getting entangled among the branches, and every now and then she had to stop and untwist it. After a while she remembered that she still held the pieces of mushroom in her hands, and she set to work very carefully, nibbling first at one and then at the other, and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter, until she had succeeded in bringing herself down to her usual height. It was so long since she had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but she got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to herself, as usual. “Come, there's half my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful garden—how is that to be done, I wonder?” As she said this, she came suddenly upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high. “Whoever lives there,” thought Alice, “it'll never do to come upon them this size: why, I should frighten them out of their wits!” So she began nibbling at the righthand bit again, and did not venture to go near the house till she had brought herself down to nine inches high.

CHAPTER IV. The Rabbit Sends in a Little Bill It was the White Rabbit, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and she heard it muttering to itself “The Duchess! The Duchess! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder?” Alice guessed in a moment that it was looking for the fan and the pair of white kid gloves, and she very good-naturedly began hunting about for them, but they were nowhere to be seen—everything seemed to have changed since her swim in the pool, and the great hall, with the glass table and the little door, had vanished completely. Very soon the Rabbit noticed Alice, as she went hunting about, and called out to her in an angry tone, “Why, Mary Ann, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a fan! Quick, now!” And Alice was so much frightened that she ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake it had made. “He took me for his housemaid,” she said to herself as she ran. “How surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! But I'd better take him his fan and gloves—that is, if I can find them.” As she said this, she came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name “W. RABBIT,” engraved upon it. She went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest she should meet the real Mary Ann, and be turned out of the house before she had found the fan and gloves. “How queer it seems,” Alice said to herself, “to be going messages for a rabbit! I suppose Dinah'll be sending me on messages next!” And she began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: “‘Miss Alice! Come here directly, and get ready for your walk!' ‘Coming in a minute, nurse! But I've got to see that the mouse doesn't get out.' Only I don't think,” Alice went on, “that they'd let Dinah stop in the house if it began ordering people about like that!” By this time she had found her way into a tidy little room with a table in the window, and on it (as she had hoped) a fan and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: she took up the fan and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, when her eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the looking-glass. There was no label this time with the words “DRINK ME,” but nevertheless she uncorked it and put it to her lips. “I know something interesting is sure to happen,” she said to herself, “whenever I eat or drink anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!” It did so indeed, and much sooner than she had expected: before she had drunk half the bottle, she found her head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save her neck from being broken. She hastily put down the bottle, saying to herself “That's quite enough—I hope I shan't grow any more—As it is, I can't get out at the door—I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!” Alas! it was too late to wish that! She went on growing, and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was not even room for this, and she tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round her head. Still she went on growing, and, as a last resource, she put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to herself “Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?” Luckily for Alice, the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and she grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of her ever getting out of the room again, no wonder she felt unhappy. “It was much pleasanter at home,” thought poor Alice, “when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by mice and rabbits. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that rabbit-hole—and yet—and yet—it's rather curious, you know, this sort of life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fairy-tales, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a book written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll write one—but I'm grown up now,” she added in a sorrowful tone; “at least there's no room to grow up any more here.” “But then,” thought Alice, “shall I never get any older than I am now? That'll be a comfort, one way—never to be an old woman—but then—always to have lessons to learn! Oh, I shouldn't like that!” “Oh, you foolish Alice!” she answered herself. “How can you learn lessons in here? Why, there's hardly room for you, and no room at all for any lesson-books!” And so she went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a conversation of it altogether; but after a few minutes she heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen. “Mary Ann! Mary Ann!” said the voice. “Fetch me my gloves this moment!” Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Alice knew it was the Rabbit coming to look for her, and she trembled till she shook the house, quite forgetting that she was now about a thousand times as large as the Rabbit, and had no reason to be afraid of it. Presently the Rabbit came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as the door opened inwards, and Alice's elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Alice heard it say to itself “Then I'll go round and get in at the window.” “That you won't!” thought Alice, and, after waiting till she fancied she heard the Rabbit just under the window, she suddenly spread out her hand, and made a snatch in the air. She did not get hold of anything, but she heard a little shriek and a fall, and a crash of broken glass, from which she concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into a cucumber-frame, or something of the sort. Next came an angry voice—the Rabbit's—“Pat! Pat! Where are you?” And then a voice she had never heard before, “Sure then I'm here! Digging for apples, yer honour!” “Digging for apples, indeed!” said the Rabbit angrily. “Here! Come and help me out of this!” (Sounds of more broken glass.) “Now tell me, Pat, what's that in the window?” “Sure, it's an arm, yer honour!” (He pronounced it “arrum.”) “An arm, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole window!” “Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's an arm for all that.” “Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!” There was a long silence after this, and Alice could only hear whispers now and then; such as, “Sure, I don't like it, yer honour, at all, at all!” “Do as I tell you, you coward!” and at last she spread out her hand again, and made another snatch in the air. This time there were two little shrieks, and more sounds of broken glass. “What a number of cucumber-frames there must be!” thought Alice. “I wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they could! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any longer!” She waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices all talking together: she made out the words: “Where's the other ladder?—Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Bill's got the other—Bill! fetch it here, lad!—Here, put 'em up at this corner—No, tie 'em together first—they don't reach half high enough yet—Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular—Here, Bill! catch hold of this rope—Will the roof bear?—Mind that loose slate—Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!” (a loud crash)—“Now, who did that?—It was Bill, I fancy—Who's to go down the chimney?—Nay, I shan't! You do it!—That I won't, then!—Bill's to go down—Here, Bill! the master says you're to go down the chimney!” “Oh! So Bill's got to come down the chimney, has he?” said Alice to herself. “Shy, they seem to put everything upon Bill! I wouldn't be in Bill's place for a good deal: this fireplace is narrow, to be sure; but I think I can kick a little!” She drew her foot as far down the chimney as she could, and waited till she heard a little animal (she couldn't guess of what sort it was) scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above her: then, saying to herself “This is Bill,” she gave one sharp kick, and waited to see what would happen next. The first thing she heard was a general chorus of “There goes Bill!” then the Rabbit's voice along—“Catch him, you by the hedge!” then silence, and then another confusion of voices—“Hold up his head—Brandy now—Don't choke him—How was it, old fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!” Last came a little feeble, squeaking voice, (“That's Bill,” thought Alice,) “Well, I hardly know—No more, thank ye; I'm better now—but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you—all I know is, something comes at me like a Jack-in-the-box, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!” “So you did, old fellow!” said the others. “We must burn the house down!” said the Rabbit's voice; and Alice called out as loud as she could, “If you do, I'll set Dinah at you!” There was a dead silence instantly, and Alice thought to herself, “I wonder what they will do next! If they had any sense, they'd take the roof off.” After a minute or two, they began moving about again, and Alice heard the Rabbit say, “A barrowful will do, to begin with.” “A barrowful of what?” thought Alice; but she had not long to doubt, for the next moment a shower of little pebbles came rattling in at the window, and some of them hit her in the face. “I'll put a stop to this,” she said to herself, and shouted out, “You'd better not do that again!” which produced another dead silence. Alice noticed with some surprise that the pebbles were all turning into little cakes as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came into her head. “If I eat one of these cakes,” she thought, “it's sure to make some change in my size; and as it can't possibly make me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose.” So she swallowed one of the cakes, and was delighted to find that she began shrinking directly. As soon as she was small enough to get through the door, she ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little animals and birds waiting outside. The poor little Lizard, Bill, was in the middle, being held up by two guinea-pigs, who were giving it something out of a bottle. They all made a rush at Alice the moment she appeared; but she ran off as hard as she could, and soon found herself safe in a thick wood. “The first thing I've got to do,” said Alice to herself, as she wandered about in the wood, “is to grow to my right size again; and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden. I think that will be the best plan.” It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; the only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it; and while she was peering about anxiously among the trees, a little sharp bark just over her head made her look up in a great hurry. An enormous puppy was looking down at her with large round eyes, and feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch her. “Poor little thing!” said Alice, in a coaxing tone, and she tried hard to whistle to it; but she was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be hungry, in which case it would be very likely to eat her up in spite of all her coaxing. Hardly knowing what she did, she picked up a little bit of stick, and held it out to the puppy; whereupon the puppy jumped into the air off all its feet at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at the stick, and made believe to worry it; then Alice dodged behind a great thistle, to keep herself from being run over; and the moment she appeared on the other side, the puppy made another rush at the stick, and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it; then Alice, thinking it was very like having a game of play with a cart-horse, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its feet, ran round the thistle again; then the puppy began a series of short charges at the stick, running a very little way forwards each time and a long way back, and barking hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its great eyes half shut. This seemed to Alice a good opportunity for making her escape; so she set off at once, and ran till she was quite tired and out of breath, and till the puppy's bark sounded quite faint in the distance. “And yet what a dear little puppy it was!” said Alice, as she leant against a buttercup to rest herself, and fanned herself with one of the leaves: “I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if—if I'd only been the right size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly forgotten that I've got to grow up again! Let me see—how is it to be managed? I suppose I ought to eat or drink something or other; but the great question is, what?” The great question certainly was, what? Alice looked all round her at the flowers and the blades of grass, but she did not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat or drink under the circumstances. There was a large mushroom growing near her, about the same height as herself; and when she had looked under it, and on both sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to her that she might as well look and see what was on the top of it. She stretched herself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the mushroom, and her eyes immediately met those of a large blue caterpillar, that was sitting on the top with its arms folded, quietly smoking a long hookah, and taking not the smallest notice of her or of anything else.

CHAPTER III. A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank—the birds with draggled feathers, the animals with their fur clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, and uncomfortable. The first question of course was, how to get dry again: they had a consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite natural to Alice to find herself talking familiarly with them, as if she had known them all her life. Indeed, she had quite a long argument with the Lory, who at last turned sulky, and would only say, “I am older than you, and must know better;” and this Alice would not allow without knowing how old it was, and, as the Lory positively refused to tell its age, there was no more to be said. At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a person of authority among them, called out, “Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll soon make you dry enough!” They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle. Alice kept her eyes anxiously fixed on it, for she felt sure she would catch a bad cold if she did not get dry very soon. “Ahem!” said the Mouse with an important air, “are you all ready? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! ‘William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest. Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria—'” “Ugh!” said the Lory, with a shiver. “I beg your pardon!” said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely: “Did you speak?” “Not I!” said the Lory hastily. “I thought you did,” said the Mouse. “—I proceed. ‘Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him: and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable—'” “Found what?” said the Duck. “Found it,” the Mouse replied rather crossly: “of course you know what ‘it' means.” “I know what ‘it' means well enough, when I find a thing,” said the Duck: “it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?” The Mouse did not notice this question, but hurriedly went on, “‘—found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown. William's conduct at first was moderate. But the insolence of his Normans—' How are you getting on now, my dear?” it continued, turning to Alice as it spoke. “As wet as ever,” said Alice in a melancholy tone: “it doesn't seem to dry me at all.” “In that case,” said the Dodo solemnly, rising to its feet, “I move that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic remedies—” “Speak English!” said the Eaglet. “I don't know the meaning of half those long words, and, what's more, I don't believe you do either!” And the Eaglet bent down its head to hide a smile: some of the other birds tittered audibly. “What I was going to say,” said the Dodo in an offended tone, “was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race.” “What is a Caucus-race?” said Alice; not that she wanted much to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything. “Why,” said the Dodo, “the best way to explain it is to do it.” (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.) First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, (“the exact shape doesn't matter,” it said,) and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no “One, two, three, and away,” but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out “The race is over!” and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, “But who has won?” This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo said, “Everybody has won, and all must have prizes.” “But who is to give the prizes?” quite a chorus of voices asked. “Why, she, of course,” said the Dodo, pointing to Alice with one finger; and the whole party at once crowded round her, calling out in a confused way, “Prizes! Prizes!” Alice had no idea what to do, and in despair she put her hand in her pocket, and pulled out a box of comfits, (luckily the salt water had not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. There was exactly one a-piece, all round. “But she must have a prize herself, you know,” said the Mouse. “Of course,” the Dodo replied very gravely. “What else have you got in your pocket?” he went on, turning to Alice. “Only a thimble,” said Alice sadly. “Hand it over here,” said the Dodo. Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly presented the thimble, saying “We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble;” and, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered. Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so grave that she did not dare to laugh; and, as she could not think of anything to say, she simply bowed, and took the thimble, looking as solemn as she could. The next thing was to eat the comfits: this caused some noise and confusion, as the large birds complained that they could not taste theirs, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the back. However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and begged the Mouse to tell them something more. “You promised to tell me your history, you know,” said Alice, “and why it is you hate—C and D,” she added in a whisper, half afraid that it would be offended again. “Mine is a long and a sad tale!” said the Mouse, turning to Alice, and sighing. “It is a long tail, certainly,” said Alice, looking down with wonder at the Mouse's tail; “but why do you call it sad?” And she kept on puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of the tale was something like this:— “Fury said to a mouse, That he met in the house, ‘Let us both go to law: I will prosecute you.—Come, I'll take no denial; We must have a trial: For really this morning I've nothing to do.' Said the mouse to the cur, ‘Such a trial, dear sir, With no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath.' ‘I'll be judge, I'll be jury,' Said cunning old Fury: ‘I'll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death.'” “You are not attending!” said the Mouse to Alice severely. “What are you thinking of?” “I beg your pardon,” said Alice very humbly: “you had got to the fifth bend, I think?” “I had not!” cried the Mouse, sharply and very angrily. “A knot!” said Alice, always ready to make herself useful, and looking anxiously about her. “Oh, do let me help to undo it!” “I shall do nothing of the sort,” said the Mouse, getting up and walking away. “You insult me by talking such nonsense!” “I didn't mean it!” pleaded poor Alice. “But you're so easily offended, you know!” The Mouse only growled in reply. “Please come back and finish your story!” Alice called after it; and the others all joined in chorus, “Yes, please do!” but the Mouse only shook its head impatiently, and walked a little quicker. “What a pity it wouldn't stay!” sighed the Lory, as soon as it was quite out of sight; and an old Crab took the opportunity of saying to her daughter “Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your temper!” “Hold your tongue, Ma!” said the young Crab, a little snappishly. “You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!” “I wish I had our Dinah here, I know I do!” said Alice aloud, addressing nobody in particular. “She'd soon fetch it back!” “And who is Dinah, if I might venture to ask the question?” said the Lory. Alice replied eagerly, for she was always ready to talk about her pet: “Dinah's our cat. And she's such a capital one for catching mice you can't think! And oh, I wish you could see her after the birds! Why, she'll eat a little bird as soon as look at it!” This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of the birds hurried off at once: one old Magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully, remarking, “I really must be getting home; the night-air doesn't suit my throat!” and a Canary called out in a trembling voice to its children, “Come away, my dears! It's high time you were all in bed!” On various pretexts they all moved off, and Alice was soon left alone. “I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah!” she said to herself in a melancholy tone. “Nobody seems to like her, down here, and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world! Oh, my dear Dinah! I wonder if I shall ever see you any more!” And here poor Alice began to cry again, for she felt very lonely and low-spirited. In a little while, however, she again heard a little pattering of footsteps in the distance, and she looked up eagerly, half hoping that the Mouse had changed his mind, and was coming back to finish his story.

CHAPTER II. The Pool of Tears “Curiouser and curiouser!” cried Alice (she was so much surprised, that for the moment she quite forgot how to speak good English); “now I'm opening out like the largest telescope that ever was! Good-bye, feet!” (for when she looked down at her feet, they seemed to be almost out of sight, they were getting so far off). “Oh, my poor little feet, I wonder who will put on your shoes and stockings for you now, dears? I'm sure I shan't be able! I shall be a great deal too far off to trouble myself about you: you must manage the best way you can;—but I must be kind to them,” thought Alice, “or perhaps they won't walk the way I want to go! Let me see: I'll give them a new pair of boots every Christmas.” And she went on planning to herself how she would manage it. “They must go by the carrier,” she thought; “and how funny it'll seem, sending presents to one's own feet! And how odd the directions will look! Alice's Right Foot, Esq., Hearthrug, near the Fender, (with Alice's love). Oh dear, what nonsense I'm talking!” Just then her head struck against the roof of the hall: in fact she was now more than nine feet high, and she at once took up the little golden key and hurried off to the garden door. Poor Alice! It was as much as she could do, lying down on one side, to look through into the garden with one eye; but to get through was more hopeless than ever: she sat down and began to cry again. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself,” said Alice, “a great girl like you,” (she might well say this), “to go on crying in this way! Stop this moment, I tell you!” But she went on all the same, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all round her, about four inches deep and reaching half down the hall. After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance, and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming. It was the White Rabbit returning, splendidly dressed, with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other: he came trotting along in a great hurry, muttering to himself as he came, “Oh! the Duchess, the Duchess! Oh! won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!” Alice felt so desperate that she was ready to ask help of any one; so, when the Rabbit came near her, she began, in a low, timid voice, “If you please, sir—” The Rabbit started violently, dropped the white kid gloves and the fan, and skurried away into the darkness as hard as he could go. Alice took up the fan and gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she kept fanning herself all the time she went on talking: “Dear, dear! How queer everything is to-day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is, Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!” And she began thinking over all the children she knew that were of the same age as herself, to see if she could have been changed for any of them. “I'm sure I'm not Ada,” she said, “for her hair goes in such long ringlets, and mine doesn't go in ringlets at all; and I'm sure I can't be Mabel, for I know all sorts of things, and she, oh! she knows such a very little! Besides, she's she, and I'm I, and—oh dear, how puzzling it all is! I'll try if I know all the things I used to know. Let me see: four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is—oh dear! I shall never get to twenty at that rate! However, the Multiplication Table doesn't signify: let's try Geography. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome—no, that'sall wrong, I'm certain! I must have been changed for Mabel! I'll try and say ‘How doth the little—'” and she crossed her hands on her lap as if she were saying lessons, and began to repeat it, but her voice sounded hoarse and strange, and the words did not come the same as they used to do:— “How doth the little crocodile     Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile     On every golden scale! “How cheerfully he seems to grin,     How neatly spread his claws, And welcome little fishes in     With gently smiling jaws!” “I'm sure those are not the right words,” said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, “I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! ever so many lessons to learn! No, I've made up my mind about it; if I'm Mabel, I'll stay down here! It'll be no use their putting their heads down and saying ‘Come up again, dear!' I shall only look up and say ‘Who am I then? Tell me that first, and then, if I like being that person, I'll come up: if not, I'll stay down here till I'm somebody else'—but, oh dear!” cried Alice, with a sudden burst of tears, “I do wish they would put their heads down! I am so very tired of being all alone here!” As she said this she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to see that she had put on one of the Rabbit's little white kid gloves while she was talking. “How can I have done that?” she thought. “I must be growing small again.” She got up and went to the table to measure herself by it, and found that, as nearly as she could guess, she was now about two feet high, and was going on shrinking rapidly: she soon found out that the cause of this was the fan she was holding, and she dropped it hastily, just in time to avoid shrinking away altogether. “That was a narrow escape!” said Alice, a good deal frightened at the sudden change, but very glad to find herself still in existence; “and now for the garden!” and she ran with all speed back to the little door: but, alas! the little door was shut again, and the little golden key was lying on the glass table as before, “and things are worse than ever,” thought the poor child, “for I never was so small as this before, never! And I declare it's too bad, that it is!” As she said these words her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! she was up to her chin in salt water. Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea, “and in that case I can go back by railway,” she said to herself. (Alice had been to the seaside once in her life, and had come to the general conclusion, that wherever you go to on the English coast you find a number of bathing machines in the sea, some children digging in the sand with wooden spades, then a row of lodging houses, and behind them a railway station.) However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high. “I wish I hadn't cried so much!” said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. “I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure! However, everything is queer to-day.” Just then she heard something splashing about in the pool a little way off, and she swam nearer to make out what it was: at first she thought it must be a walrus or hippopotamus, but then she remembered how small she was now, and she soon made out that it was only a mouse that had slipped in like herself. “Would it be of any use, now,” thought Alice, “to speak to this mouse? Everything is so out-of-the-way down here, that I should think very likely it can talk: at any rate, there's no harm in trying.” So she began: “O Mouse, do you know the way out of this pool? I am very tired of swimming about here, O Mouse!” (Alice thought this must be the right way of speaking to a mouse: she had never done such a thing before, but she remembered having seen in her brother's Latin Grammar, “A mouse—of a mouse—to a mouse—a mouse—O mouse!”) The Mouse looked at her rather inquisitively, and seemed to her to wink with one of its little eyes, but it said nothing. “Perhaps it doesn't understand English,” thought Alice; “I daresay it's a French mouse, come over with William the Conqueror.” (For, with all her knowledge of history, Alice had no very clear notion how long ago anything had happened.) So she began again: “Où est ma chatte?” which was the first sentence in her French lesson-book. The Mouse gave a sudden leap out of the water, and seemed to quiver all over with fright. “Oh, I beg your pardon!” cried Alice hastily, afraid that she had hurt the poor animal's feelings. “I quite forgot you didn't like cats.” “Not like cats!” cried the Mouse, in a shrill, passionate voice. “Would you like cats if you were me?” “Well, perhaps not,” said Alice in a soothing tone: “don't be angry about it. And yet I wish I could show you our cat Dinah: I think you'd take a fancy to cats if you could only see her. She is such a dear quiet thing,” Alice went on, half to herself, as she swam lazily about in the pool, “and she sits purring so nicely by the fire, licking her paws and washing her face—and she is such a nice soft thing to nurse—and she's such a capital one for catching mice—oh, I beg your pardon!” cried Alice again, for this time the Mouse was bristling all over, and she felt certain it must be really offended. “We won't talk about her any more if you'd rather not.” “We indeed!” cried the Mouse, who was trembling down to the end of his tail. “As if I would talk on such a subject! Our family alwayshated cats: nasty, low, vulgar things! Don't let me hear the name again!” “I won't indeed!” said Alice, in a great hurry to change the subject of conversation. “Are you—are you fond—of—of dogs?” The Mouse did not answer, so Alice went on eagerly: “There is such a nice little dog near our house I should like to show you! A little bright-eyed terrier, you know, with oh, such long curly brown hair! And it'll fetch things when you throw them, and it'll sit up and beg for its dinner, and all sorts of things—I can't remember half of them—and it belongs to a farmer, you know, and he says it's so useful, it's worth a hundred pounds! He says it kills all the rats and—oh dear!” cried Alice in a sorrowful tone, “I'm afraid I've offended it again!” For the Mouse was swimming away from her as hard as it could go, and making quite a commotion in the pool as it went. So she called softly after it, “Mouse dear! Do come back again, and we won't talk about cats or dogs either, if you don't like them!” When the Mouse heard this, it turned round and swam slowly back to her: its face was quite pale (with passion, Alice thought), and it said in a low trembling voice, “Let us get to the shore, and then I'll tell you my history, and you'll understand why it is I hate cats and dogs.” It was high time to go, for the pool was getting quite crowded with the birds and animals that had fallen into it: there were a Duck and a Dodo, a Lory and an Eaglet, and several other curious creatures. Alice led the way, and the whole party swam to the shore.  

Milton's Musings Presents Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland Chapter 1 CHAPTER I. Down the Rabbit-Hole Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, “and what is the use of a book,” thought Alice “without pictures or conversations?” So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her. There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so very much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!” (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Rabbit actually took a watch out of its waistcoat-pocket, and looked at it, and then hurried on, Alice started to her feet, for it flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it, and burning with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again. The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well. Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything; then she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves; here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed; it was labelled “ORANGE MARMALADE”, but to her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the jar for fear of killing somebody underneath, so managed to put it into one of the cupboards as she fell past it. “Well!” thought Alice to herself, “after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they'll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!” (Which was very likely true.) Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end? “I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time?” she said aloud. “I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth. Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think—” (for, you see, Alice had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the schoolroom, and though this was not a very good opportunity for showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her, still it was good practice to say it over) “—yes, that's about the right distance—but then I wonder what Latitude or Longitude I've got to?” (Alice had no idea what Latitude was, or Longitude either, but thought they were nice grand words to say.) Presently she began again. “I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funny it'll seem to come out among the people that walk with their heads downward! The Antipathies, I think—” (she was rather glad there was no one listening, this time, as it didn't sound at all the right word) “—but I shall have to ask them what the name of the country is, you know. Please, Ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?” (and she tried to curtsey as she spoke—fancy curtseying as you're falling through the air! Do you think you could manage it?) “And what an ignorant little girl she'll think me for asking! No, it'll never do to ask: perhaps I shall see it written up somewhere.” Down, down, down. There was nothing else to do, so Alice soon began talking again. “Dinah'll miss me very much to-night, I should think!” (Dinah was the cat.) “I hope they'll remember her saucer of milk at tea-time. Dinah my dear! I wish you were down here with me! There are no mice in the air, I'm afraid, but you might catch a bat, and that's very like a mouse, you know. But do cats eat bats, I wonder?” And here Alice began to get rather sleepy, and went on saying to herself, in a dreamy sort of way, “Do cats eat bats? Do cats eat bats?” and sometimes, “Do bats eat cats?” for, you see, as she couldn't answer either question, it didn't much matter which way she put it. She felt that she was dozing off, and had just begun to dream that she was walking hand in hand with Dinah, and saying to her very earnestly, “Now, Dinah, tell me the truth: did you ever eat a bat?” when suddenly, thump! thump! down she came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over. Alice was not a bit hurt, and she jumped up on to her feet in a moment: she looked up, but it was all dark overhead; before her was another long passage, and the White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it. There was not a moment to be lost: away went Alice like the wind, and was just in time to hear it say, as it turned a corner, “Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!” She was close behind it when she turned the corner, but the Rabbit was no longer to be seen: she found herself in a long, low hall, which was lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof. There were doors all round the hall, but they were all locked; and when Alice had been all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door, she walked sadly down the middle, wondering how she was ever to get out again. Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, all made of solid glass; there was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice's first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall; but, alas! either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time round, she came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a little door about fifteen inches high: she tried the little golden key in the lock, and to her great delight it fitted! Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole: she knelt down and looked along the passage into the loveliest garden you ever saw. How she longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander about among those beds of bright flowers and those cool fountains, but she could not even get her head through the doorway; “and even if my head would go through,” thought poor Alice, “it would be of very little use without my shoulders. Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! I think I could, if I only knew how to begin.” For, you see, so many out-of-the-way things had happened lately, that Alice had begun to think that very few things indeed were really impossible. There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the table, half hoping she might find another key on it, or at any rate a book of rules for shutting people up like telescopes: this time she found a little bottle on it, (“which certainly was not here before,” said Alice,) and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words “DRINK ME,” beautifully printed on it in large letters. It was all very well to say “Drink me,” but the wise little Alice was not going to do that in a hurry. “No, I'll look first,” she said, “and see whether it's marked ‘poison' or not”; for she had read several nice little histories about children who had got burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they would not remember the simple rules their friends had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds; and she had never forgotten that, if you drink much from a bottle marked “poison,” it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later. However, this bottle was not marked “poison,” so Alice ventured to taste it, and finding it very nice, (it had, in fact, a sort of mixed flavour of cherry-tart, custard, pine-apple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast,) she very soon finished it off. *      *      *      *      *      *      *     *      *      *      *      *      * *      *      *      *      *      *      * “What a curious feeling!” said Alice; “I must be shutting up like a telescope.” And so it was indeed: she was now only ten inches high, and her face brightened up at the thought that she was now the right size for going through the little door into that lovely garden. First, however, she waited for a few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further: she felt a little nervous about this; “for it might end, you know,” said Alice to herself, “in my going out altogether, like a candle. I wonder what I should be like then?” And she tried to fancy what the flame of a candle is like after the candle is blown out, for she could not remember ever having seen such a thing. After a while, finding that nothing more happened, she decided on going into the garden at once; but, alas for poor Alice! when she got to the door, she found she had forgotten the little golden key, and when she went back to the table for it, she found she could not possibly reach it: she could see it quite plainly through the glass, and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself out with trying, the poor little thing sat down and cried. “Come, there's no use in crying like that!” said Alice to herself, rather sharply; “I advise you to leave off this minute!” She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. “But it's no use now,” thought poor Alice, “to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!” Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words “EAT ME” were beautifully marked in currants. “Well, I'll eat it,” said Alice, “and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach the key; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under the door; so either way I'll get into the garden, and I don't care which happens!” She ate a little bit, and said anxiously to herself, “Which way? Which way?”, holding her hand on the top of her head to feel which way it was growing, and she was quite surprised to find that she remained the same size: to be sure, this generally happens when one eats cake, but Alice had got so much into the way of expecting nothing but out-of-the-way things to happen, that it seemed quite dull and stupid for life to go on in the common way. So she set to work, and very soon finished off the cake.

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;     If you can dream-and not make dreams your master; If you can think-and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same: If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;     If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"     If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings-nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And-which is more-you'll be a man, my son!

HE AD-DRESSING OF CATS You've read of several kinds of Cat, And my opinion now is that You should need no interpreter To understand their character. You now have learned enough to see That Cats are much like you and me And other people whom we find Possessed of various types of mind. For some are sane and some are mad And some are good and some are bad And some are better, some are worse— But all may be described in verse. You've seen them both at work and games, And learnt about their proper names, Their habits and their habitat: But         How would you ad-dress a Cat? So first, your memory I'll jog, And say: A CAT IS NOT A DOG. Now Dogs pretend they like to fight; They often bark, more seldom bite; But yet a Dog is, on the whole, What you would call a simple soul. Of course I'm not including Pekes, And such fantastic canine freaks. The usual Dog about the Town Is much inclined to play the clown, And far from showing too much pride Is frequently undignified. He's very easily taken in— Just chuck him underneath the chin Or slap his back or shake his paw, And he will gambol and guffaw. He's such an easy-going lout, He'll answer any hail or shout. Again I must remind you that A Dog's a Dog—A CAT'S A CAT. With Cats, some say, one rule is true: Don't speak till you are spoken to. Myself, I do not hold with that— I say, you should ad-dress a Cat. But always keep in mind that he Resents familiarity. I bow, and taking off my hat, Ad-dress him in this form: O CAT! But if he is the Cat next door, Whom I have often met before (He comes to see me in my flat) I greet him with an OOPS A CAT! I think I've heard them call him James— But we've not got so far as names. Before a Cat will condescend To treat you as a trusted friend, Some little token of esteem Is needed, like a dish of cream; And you might now and then supply Some caviare, or Strassburg Pie, Some potted grouse, or salmon paste— He's sure to have his personal taste. (I know a Cat, who makes a habit Of eating nothing else but rabbit, And when he's finished, licks his paws So's not to waste the onion sauce.) A Cat's entitled to expect These evidences of respect. And so in time you reach your aim, And finally call him by his NAME. So this is this, and that is that: And there's how you AD-DRESS A CAT.

SKIMBLESHANKS: THE RAILWAY CAT There's a whisper down the line at 11.39 When the Night Mail's ready to depart, Saying 'Skimble where is Skimble has he gone to hunt the thimble? We must find him or the train can't start.' All the guards and all the porters and the stationmaster's daughters They are searching high and low, Saying 'Skimble where is Skimble for unless he's very nimble Then the Night Mail just can't go.' At 11.42 then the signal's nearly due And the passengers are frantic to a man— Then Skimble will appear and he'll saunter to the rear: He's been busy in the luggage van!         He gives one flash of his glass-green eyes             And the signal goes 'All Clear!'         And we're off at last for the northern part             Of the Northern Hemisphere! You may say that by and large it is Skimble who's in charge Of the Sleeping Car Express. From the driver and the guards to the bagmen playing cards He will supervise them all, more or less. Down the corridor he paces and examines all the faces Of the travellers in the First and in the Third; He establishes control by a regular patrol And he'd know at once if anything occurred. He will watch you without winking and he sees what you are thinking And it's certain that he doesn't approve Of hilarity and riot, so the folk are very quiet When Skimble is about and on the move.         You can play no pranks with Skimbleshanks!             He's a Cat that cannot be ignored;         So nothing goes wrong on the Northern Mail             When Skimbleshanks is aboard. Oh it's very pleasant when you have found your little den With your name written up on the door. And the berth is very neat with a newly folded sheet And there's not a speck of dust on the floor. There is every sort of light—you can make it dark or bright; There's a handle that you turn to make a breeze. There's a funny little basin you're supposed to wash your face in And a crank to shut the window if you sneeze. Then the guard looks in politely and will ask you very brightly 'Do you like your morning tea weak or strong?' But Skimble's just behind him and was ready to remind him, For Skimble won't let anything go wrong.         And when you creep into your cosy berth             And pull up the counterpane,         You ought to reflect that it's very nice         To know that you won't be bothered by mice—         You can leave all that to the Railway Cat,             The Cat of the Railway Train! In the watches of the night he is always fresh and bright; Every now and then he has a cup of tea With perhaps a drop of Scotch while he's keeping on the watch, Only stopping here and there to catch a flea. You were fast asleep at Crewe and so you never knew That he was walking up and down the station; You were sleeping all the while he was busy at Carlisle, Where he greets the stationmaster with elation. But you saw him at Dumfries, where he speaks to the police If there's anything they ought to know about: When you get to Gallowgate there you do not have to wait— For Skimbleshanks will help you to get out!         He gives you a wave of his long brown tail             Which says: 'I'll see you again!         You'll meet without fail on the Midnight Mail             The Cat of the Railway Train.'

BUSTOPHER JONES: THE CAT ABOUT TOWN Bustopher Jones is not skin and bones— In fact, he's remarkably fat. He doesn't haunt pubs—he has eight or nine clubs, For he's the St. James's Street Cat! He's the Cat we all greet as he walks down the street In his coat of fastidious black: No commonplace mousers have such well-cut trousers Or such an impeccable back. In the whole of St. James's the smartest of names is The name of this Brummell of Cats; And we're all of us proud to be nodded or bowed to By Bustopher Jones in white spats! His visits are occasional to the Senior Educational And it is against the rules For any one Cat to belong both to that And the Joint Superior Schools. For a similar reason, when game is in season He is found, not at Fox's, but Blimp's; He is frequently seen at the gay Stage and Screen Which is famous for winkles and shrimps. In the season of venison he gives his ben'son To the Pothunter's succulent bones; And just before noon's not a moment too soon To drop in for a drink at the Drones. When he's seen in a hurry there's probably curry At the Siamese—or at the Glutton; If he looks full of gloom then he's lunched at the Tomb On cabbage, rice pudding and mutton. So, much in this way, passes Bustopher's day— At one club or another he's found. It can be no surprise that under our eyes He has grown unmistakably round. He's a twenty-five pounder, or I am a bounder, And he's putting on weight every day: But he's so well preserved because he's observed All his life a routine, so he'll say. Or, to put it in rhyme: 'I shall last out my time' Is the word of this stoutest of Cats. It must and it shall be Spring in Pall Mall While Bustopher Jones wears white spats!

GUS: THE THEATRE CAT Gus is the Cat at the Theatre Door. His name, as I ought to have told you before, Is really Asparagus. That's such a fuss To pronounce, that we usually call him just Gus. His coat's very shabby, he's thin as a rake, And he suffers from palsy that makes his paw shake. Yet he was, in his youth, quite the smartest of Cats— But no longer a terror to mice and to rats. For he isn't the Cat that he was in his prime; Though his name was quite famous, he says, in its time. And whenever he joins his friends at their club (Which takes place at the back of the neighbouring pub) He loves to regale them, if someone else pays, With anecdotes drawn from his palmiest days. For he once was a Star of the highest degree— He has acted with Irving, he's acted with Tree. And he likes to relate his success on the Halls, Where the Gallery once gave him seven cat-calls. But his grandest creation, as he loves to tell, Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell. 'I have played', so he says, 'every possible part, And I used to know seventy speeches by heart. I'd extemporize back-chat, I knew how to gag, And I knew how to let the cat out of the bag. I knew how to act with my back and my tail; With an hour of rehearsal, I never could fail. I'd a voice that would soften the hardest of hearts, Whether I took the lead, or in character parts. I have sat by the bedside of poor Little Nell; When the Curfew was rung, then I swung on the bell. In the Pantomime season I never fell flat, And I once understudied Dick Whittington's Cat. But my grandest creation, as history will tell, Was Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.' Then, if someone will give him a toothful of gin, He will tell how he once played a part in East Lynne. At a Shakespeare performance he once walked on pat, When some actor suggested the need for a cat. He once played a Tiger—could do it again— Which an Indian Colonel pursued down a drain. And he thinks that he still can, much better than most, Produce blood-curdling noises to bring on the Ghost. And he once crossed the stage on a telegraph wire, To rescue a child when a house was on fire. And he says: 'Now, these kittens, they do not get trained As we did in the days when Victoria reigned. They never get drilled in a regular troupe, And they think they are smart, just to jump through a hoop.' And he'll say, as he scratches himself with his claws, 'Well, the Theatre's certainly not what it was. These modern productions are all very well, But there's nothing to equal, from what I hear tell,         That moment of mystery         When I made history As Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell.'

MACAVITY: THE MYSTERY CAT Macavity's a Mystery Cat: he's called the Hidden Paw— For he's the master criminal who can defy the Law. He's the bafflement of Scotland Yard, the Flying Squad's despair: For when they reach the scene of crime—Macavity's not there! Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, He's broken every human law, he breaks the law of gravity. His powers of levitation would make a fakir stare, And when you reach the scene of crime—Macavity's not there! You may seek him in the basement, you may look up in the air— But I tell you once and once again, Macavity's not there! Macavity's a ginger cat, he's very tall and thin; You would know him if you saw him, for his eyes are sunken in. His brow is deeply lined with thought, his head is highly domed; His coat is dusty from neglect, his whiskers are uncombed. He sways his head from side to side, with movements like a snake; And when you think he's half asleep, he's always wide awake. Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, For he's a fiend in feline shape, a monster of depravity. You may meet him in a by-street, you may see him in the square— But when a crime's discovered, then Macavity's not there! He's outwardly respectable. (They say he cheats at cards.) And his footprints are not found in any file of Scotland Yard's. And when the larder's looted, or the jewel-case is rifled, Or when the milk is missing, or another Peke's been stifled, Or the greenhouse glass is broken, and the trellis past repair— Ay, there's the wonder of the thing! Macavity's not there! And when the Foreign Office find a Treaty's gone astray, Or the Admiralty lose some plans and drawings by the way, There may be a scrap of paper in the hall or on the stair— But it's useless to investigate—Macavity's not there! And when the loss has been disclosed, the Secret Service say: 'It must have been Macavity!'—but he's a mile away. You'll be sure to find him resting, or a-licking of his thumbs, Or engaged in doing complicated long division sums. Macavity, Macavity, there's no one like Macavity, There never was a Cat of such deceitfulness and suavity. He always has an alibi, and one or two to spare: At whatever time the deed took place—MACAVITY WASN'T THERE! And they say that all the Cats whose wicked deeds are widely known (I might mention Mungojerrie, I might mention Griddlebone) Are nothing more than agents for the Cat who all the time Just controls their operations: the Napoleon of Crime!

MR. MISTOFFELEES You ought to know Mr. Mistoffelees! The Original Conjuring Cat— (There can be no doubt about that). Please listen to me and don't scoff. All his Inventions are off his own bat. There's no such Cat in the metropolis; He holds all the patent monopolies For performing surprising illusions And creating eccentric confusions.     At prestidigitation         And at legerdemain     He'll defy examination         And deceive you again. The greatest magicians have something to learn From Mr. Mistoffelees' Conjuring Turn. Presto!     Away we go!         And we all say: OH!             Well I never!             Was there ever             A Cat so clever                 As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees! He is quiet and small, he is black From his ears to the tip of his tail; He can creep through the tiniest crack, He can walk on the narrowest rail. He can pick any card from a pack, He is equally cunning with dice; He is always deceiving you into believing That he's only hunting for mice.     He can play any trick with a cork         Or a spoon and a bit of fish-paste;     If you look for a knife or a fork         And you think it is merely misplaced— You have seen it one moment, and then it is gawn! But you'll find it next week lying out on the lawn.     And we all say: OH!         Well I never!         Was there ever         A Cat so clever             As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees! His manner is vague and aloof, You would think there was nobody shyer— But his voice has been heard on the roof When he was curled up by the fire. And he's sometimes been heard by the fire When he was about on the roof— (At least we all heard that somebody purred) Which is incontestable proof     Of his singular magical powers:         And I have known the family to call     Him in from the garden for hours,         While he was asleep in the hall. And not long ago this phenomenal Cat Produced seven kittens right out of a hat!     And we all said: OH!         Well I never!         Did you ever         Know a Cat so clever             As Magical Mr. Mistoffelees!

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat BY EDWARD LEAR I The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea    In a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money,    Wrapped up in a five-pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above,    And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,     What a beautiful Pussy you are,          You are,          You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!"   II Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!    How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried:    But what shall we do for a ring?" They sailed away, for a year and a day,    To the land where the Bong-Tree grows And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood    With a ring at the end of his nose,              His nose,              His nose,    With a ring at the end of his nose.   III "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling    Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." So they took it away, and were married next day    By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dined on mince, and slices of quince,    Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,    They danced by the light of the moon,              The moon,              The moon, They danced by the light of the moon.

OF THE AWEFULL BATTLE OF THE PEKES AND THE POLLICLES Together with some Account of the Participation of the Pugs and the Poms, and the Intervention of the Great Rumpuscat The Pekes and the Pollicles, everyone knows, Are proud and implacable passionate foes; It is always the same, wherever one goes. And the Pugs and the Poms, although most people say That they do not like fighting, yet once in a way, They will now and again join in to the fray And they                         Bark bark bark bark                         Bark bark BARK BARK         Until you can hear them all over the Park. Now on the occasion of which I shall speak Almost nothing had happened for nearly a week (And that's a long time for a Pol or a Peke). The big Police Dog was away from his beat— I don't know the reason, but most people think He'd slipped into the Wellington Arms for a drink— And no one at all was about on the street When a Peke and a Pollicle happened to meet. They did not advance, or exactly retreat, But they glared at each other, and scraped their hind feet, And started to                         Bark bark bark bark                         Bark bark BARK BARK         Until you could hear them all over the Park. Now the Peke, although people may say what they please, Is no British Dog, but a Heathen Chinese. And so all the Pekes, when they heard the uproar, Some came to the window, some came to the door; There were surely a dozen, more likely a score. And together they started to grumble and wheeze In their huffery-snuffery Heathen Chinese. But a terrible din is what Pollicles like, For your Pollicle Dog is a dour Yorkshire tyke, And his braw Scottish cousins are snappers and biters, And every dog-jack of them notable fighters; And so they stepped out, with their pipers in order, Playing When the Blue Bonnets Came Over the Border. Then the Pugs and the Poms held no longer aloof, But some from the balcony, some from the roof, Joined in To the din With a                         Bark bark bark bark                         Bark bark BARK BARK         Until you could hear them all over the Park. Now when these bold heroes together assembled, The traffic all stopped, and the Underground trembled, And some of the neighbours were so much afraid That they started to ring up the Fire Brigade. When suddenly, up from a small basement flat. Why who should stalk out but the GREAT RUMPUSCAT. His eyes were like fireballs fearfully blazing, He gave a great yawn, and his jaws were amazing; And when he looked out through the bars of the area, You never saw anything fiercer or hairier. And what with the glare of his eyes and his yawning, The Pekes and the Pollicles quickly took warning. He looked at the sky and he gave a great leap— And they every last one of them scattered like sheep. And when the Police Dog returned to his beat, There wasn't a single one left in the street.

OLD DEUTERONOMY Old Deuteronomy's lived a long time;     He's a Cat who has lived many lives in succession. He was famous in proverb and famous in rhyme     A long while before Queen Victoria's accession. Old Deuteronomy's buried nine wives     And more—I am tempted to say, ninety-nine; And his numerous progeny prospers and thrives     And the village is proud of him in his decline. At the sight of that placid and bland physiognomy,     When he sits in the sun on the vicarage wall, The Oldest Inhabitant croaks: 'Well, of all ...     Things ... Can it be ... really! ... No! ... Yes! ...         Ho! hi!         Oh, my eye! My mind may be wandering, but I confess I believe it is Old Deuteronomy!' Old Deuteronomy sits in the street,     He sits in the High Street on market day; The bullocks may bellow, the sheep they may bleat,     But the dogs and the herdsmen will turn them away. The cars and the lorries run over the kerb,     And the villagers put up a notice: ROAD CLOSED— So that nothing untoward may chance to disturb     Deuteronomy's rest when he feels so disposed Or when he's engaged in domestic economy:     And the Oldest Inhabitant croaks: 'Well, of all ...     Things ... Can it be ... really! ... No! ... Yes! ...         Ho! hi!         Oh, my eye! My sight's unreliable, but I can guess That the cause of the trouble is Old Deuteronomy!' Old Deuteronomy lies on the floor     Of the Fox and French Horn for his afternoon sleep; And when the men say: 'There's just time for one more,'     Then the landlady from her back parlour will peep And say: 'Now then, out you go, by the back door,     For Old Deuteronomy mustn't be woken— I'll have the police if there's any uproar'—     And out they all shuffle, without a word spoken. The digestive repose of that feline's gastronomy     Must never be broken, whatever befall: And the Oldest Inhabitant croaks: 'Well, of all ...     Things ... Can it be ... really! ... Yes! ... No! ...         Ho! hi!         Oh, my eye! My legs may be tottery, I must go slow And be careful of Old Deuteronomy!'

MUNGOJERRIE AND RUMPELTEAZER Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer were a very notorious             couple of cats. As knockabout clowns, quick-change comedians, tight-rope             walkers and acrobats They had an extensive reputation. They made their home in             Victoria Grove— That was merely their centre of operation, for they were             incurably given to rove. They were very well known in Cornwall Gardens, in Launceston             Place and in Kensington Square— They had really a little more reputation than a couple of cats             can very well bear.         If the area window was found ajar         And the basement looked like a field of war,         If a tile or two came loose on the roof,         Which presently ceased to be waterproof,         If the drawers were pulled out from the bedroom chests,         And you couldn't find one of your winter vests,         Or after supper one of the girls         Suddenly missed her Woolworth pearls: Then the family would say: 'It's that horrible cat! It was Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!'—And most of the             time they left it at that. Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had a very unusual gift of the gab. They were highly efficient cat-burglars as well, and remarkably             smart at a smash-and-grab. They made their home in Victoria Grove. They had no             regular occupation. They were plausible fellows, and liked to engage a friendly             policeman in conversation.         When the family assembled for Sunday dinner,         With their minds made up that they wouldn't get thinner         On Argentine joint, potatoes and greens,         And the cook would appear from behind the scenes         And say in a voice that was broken with sorrow:         'I'm afraid you must wait and have dinner tomorrow!         For the joint has gone from the oven—like that!' Then the family would say: 'It's that horrible cat! It was Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer!'—And most of the             time they left it at that. Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer had a wonderful way of             working together. And some of the time you would say it was luck, and some of             the time you would say it was weather. They would go through the house like a hurricane, and no             sober person could take his oath Was it Mungojerrie—or Rumpelteazer? or could you have             sworn that it mightn't be both?         And when you heard a dining-room smash         Or up from the pantry there came a loud crash         Or down from the library came a loud ping         From a vase which was commonly said to be Ming— Then the family would say: 'Now which was which cat? It was Mungojerrie! AND Rumpelteazer!'—And there's             nothing at all to be done about that!

THE SONG OF THE JELLICLES             Jellicle Cats come out to-night,             Jellicle Cats come one come all:             The Jellicle Moon is shining bright—             Jellicles come to the Jellicle Ball. Jellicle Cats are black and white, Jellicle Cats are rather small; Jellicle Cats are merry and bright, And pleasant to hear when they caterwaul. Jellicle Cats have cheerful faces, Jellicle Cats have bright black eyes; They like to practise their airs and graces And wait for the Jellicle Moon to rise. Jellicle Cats develop slowly, Jellicle Cats are not too big; Jellicle Cats are roly-poly, They know how to dance a gavotte and a jig. Until the Jellicle Moon appears They make their toilette and take their repose: Jellicles wash behind their ears, Jellicles dry between their toes. Jellicle Cats are white and black, Jellicle Cats are of moderate size; Jellicles jump like a jumping-jack, Jellicle Cats have moonlit eyes. They're quiet enough in the morning hours, They're quiet enough in the afternoon, Reserving their terpsichorean powers To dance by the light of the Jellicle Moon. Jellicle Cats are black and white, Jellicle Cats (as I said) are small; If it happens to be a stormy night They will practise a caper or two in the hall. If it happens the sun is shining bright You would say they had nothing to do at all: They are resting and saving themselves to be right For the Jellicle Moon and the Jellicle Ball.

THE RUM TUM TUGGER The Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat: If you offer him pheasant he would rather have grouse, If you put him in a house he would much prefer a flat, If you put him in a flat then he'd rather have a house. If you set him on a mouse then he only wants a rat, If you set him on a rat then he'd rather chase a mouse. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—     And there isn't any call for me to shout it:         For he will do         As he do do             And there's no doing anything about it! The Rum Tum Tugger is a terrible bore: When you let him in, then he wants to be out; He's always on the wrong side of every door, And as soon as he's at home, then he'd like to get about. He likes to lie in the bureau drawer, But he makes such a fuss if he can't get out. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—     And it isn't any use for you to doubt it:         For he will do         As he do do             And there's no doing anything about it! The Rum Tum Tugger is a curious beast: His disobliging ways are a matter of habit. If you offer him fish then, he always wants a feast; When there isn't any fish then he won't eat rabbit. If you offer him cream then he sniffs and sneers, For he only likes what he finds for himself; So you'll catch him in it right up to the ears, If you put it away on the larder shelf. The Rum Tum Tugger is artful and knowing, The Rum Tum Tugger doesn't care for a cuddle; But he'll leap on your lap in the middle of your sewing, For there's nothing he enjoys like a horrible muddle. Yes the Rum Tum Tugger is a Curious Cat—     And there isn't any need for me to spout it:         For he will do         As he do do             And there's no doing anything about it!

GROWLTIGER'S LAST STAND Growltiger was a Bravo Cat, who travelled on a barge: In fact he was the roughest cat that ever roamed at large. From Gravesend up to Oxford he pursued his evil aims, Rejoicing in his title of 'The Terror of the Thames'. His manners and appearance did not calculate to please; His coat was torn and seedy, he was baggy at the knees; One ear was somewhat missing, no need to tell you why, And he scowled upon a hostile world from one forbidding eye. The cottagers of Rotherhithe knew something of his fame; At Hammersmith and Putney people shuddered at his name. They would fortify the hen-house, lock up the silly goose, When the rumour ran along the shore: GROWLTIGER'S ON THE LOOSE! Woe to the weak canary, that fluttered from its cage; Woe to the pampered Pekinese, that faced Growltiger's rage; Woe to the bristly Bandicoot, that lurks on foreign ships, And woe to any Cat with whom Growltiger came to grips! But most to Cats of foreign race his hatred had been vowed; To Cats of foreign name and race no quarter was allowed. The Persian and the Siamese regarded him with fear— Because it was a Siamese had mauled his missing ear. Now on a peaceful summer night, all nature seemed at play, The tender moon was shining bright, the barge at Molesey lay. All in the balmy moonlight it lay rocking on the tide— And Growltiger was disposed to show his sentimental side. His bucko mate, GRUMBUSKIN, long since had disappeared, For to the Bell at Hampton he had gone to wet his beard; And his bosun, TUMBLEBRUTUS, he too had stol'n away— In the yard behind the Lion he was prowling for his prey. In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sate alone, Concentrating his attention on the Lady GRIDDLEBONE. And his raffish crew were sleeping in their barrels and their bunks— As the Siamese came creeping in their sampans and their junks. Growltiger had no eye or ear for aught but Griddlebone, And the Lady seemed enraptured by his manly baritone, Disposed to relaxation, and awaiting no surprise— But the moonlight shone reflected from a thousand bright blue eyes. And closer still and closer the sampans circled round, And yet from all the enemy there was not heard a sound. The lovers sang their last duet, in danger of their lives— For the foe was armed with toasting forks and cruel carving knives. Then GILBERT gave the signal to his fierce Mongolian horde; With a frightful burst of fireworks the Chinks they swarmed aboard. Abandoning their sampans, and their pullaways and junks, They battened down the hatches on the crew within their bunks. Then Griddlebone she gave a screech, for she was badly skeered; I am sorry to admit it, but she quickly disappeared. She probably escaped with ease, I'm sure she was not drowned— But a serried ring of flashing steel Growltiger did surround. The ruthless foe pressed forward, in stubborn rank on rank; Growltiger to his vast surprise was forced to walk the plank. He who a hundred victims had driven to that drop, At the end of all his crimes was forced to go ker-flip, ker-flop. Oh there was joy in Wapping when the news flew through the land; At Maidenhead and Henley there was dancing on the strand. Rats were roasted whole at Brentford, and at Victoria Dock, And a day of celebration was commanded in Bangkok.

THE OLD GUMBIE CAT I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots. All day she sits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         And when all the family's in bed and asleep,         She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.         She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice—         Their behaviour's not good and their manners not nice;         So when she has got them lined up on the matting,         She teaches them music, crocheting and tatting. I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her equal would be hard to find, she likes the warm and sunny spots. All day she sits beside the hearth or on the bed or on my hat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         As she finds that the mice will not ever keep quiet,         She is sure it is due to irregular diet         And believing that nothing is done without trying,         She sets right to work with her baking and frying.         She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas,         And a beautiful fry of lean bacon and cheese. I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; The curtain-cord she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots. She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that's smooth and flat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         She thinks that the cockroaches just need employment         To prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.         So she's formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,         A troop of well-disciplined helpful boy-scouts,         With a purpose in life and a good deed to do—         And she's even created a Beetles' Tattoo. So for Old Gumbie Cats let us now give three cheers— On whom well-ordered households depend, it appears. I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is of the tabby kind, with tiger stripes and leopard spots. All day she sits upon the stair or on the steps or on the mat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         And when all the family's in bed and asleep,         She tucks up her skirts to the basement to creep.         She is deeply concerned with the ways of the mice—         Their behaviour's not good and their manners not nice;         So when she has got them lined up on the matting,         She teaches them music, crocheting and tatting. I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her equal would be hard to find, she likes the warm and sunny spots. All day she sits beside the hearth or on the bed or on my hat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         As she finds that the mice will not ever keep quiet,         She is sure it is due to irregular diet         And believing that nothing is done without trying,         She sets right to work with her baking and frying.         She makes them a mouse-cake of bread and dried peas,         And a beautiful fry of lean bacon and cheese. I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; The curtain-cord she likes to wind, and tie it into sailor-knots. She sits upon the window-sill, or anything that's smooth and flat: She sits and sits and sits and sits—and that's what makes a Gumbie Cat!         But when the day's hustle and bustle is done,         Then the Gumbie Cat's work is but hardly begun.         She thinks that the cockroaches just need employment         To prevent them from idle and wanton destroyment.         So she's formed, from that lot of disorderly louts,         A troop of well-disciplined helpful boy-scouts,         With a purpose in life and a good deed to do—         And she's even created a Beetles' Tattoo. So for Old Gumbie Cats let us now give three cheers— On whom well-ordered households depend, it appears.

Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats - The Naming of Cats by TS Eliot THE NAMING OF CATS The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,     It isn't just one of your holiday games; You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter When I tell you, a cat must have THREE DIFFERENT NAMES. First of all, there's the name that the family use daily,     Such as Peter, Augustus, Alonzo or James, Such as Victor or Jonathan, George or Bill Bailey—     All of them sensible everyday names. There are fancier names if you think they sound sweeter,     Some for the gentlemen, some for the dames: Such as Plato, Admetus, Electra, Demeter—     But all of them sensible everyday names. But I tell you, a cat needs a name that's particular,     A name that's peculiar, and more dignified, Else how can he keep up his tail perpendicular,     Or spread out his whiskers, or cherish his pride? Of names of this kind, I can give you a quorum,     Such as Munkustrap, Quaxo, or Coricopat, Such as Bombalurina, or else Jellylorum—     Names that never belong to more than one cat. But above and beyond there's still one name left over,     And that is the name that you never will guess; The name that no human research can discover—     But THE CAT HIMSELF KNOWS, and will never confess. When you notice a cat in profound meditation,     The reason, I tell you, is always the same: His mind is engaged in a rapt contemplation     Of the thought, of the thought, of the thought of his name:         His ineffable effable         Effanineffable Deep and inscrutable singular Name.

Alphabet Poem by Edward Lear A     tumbled down, and hurt his Arm, against a bit of wood. B     said, "My Boy, O! do not cry' it cannot do you good!" C     said, "A Cup of Coffee hot can't do you any harm." D     said, "A Doctor should be fetched, and he would cure the arm." E     said, "An Egg beat up in milk would quickly make him well." F     said, "A Fish, if broiled, might cure, if only by the smell." G     said, "Green Gooseberry fool, the best of cures I hold." H     said, "His Hat should be kept on, keep him from the cold." I     said, "Some Ice upon his head will make him better soon." J     said, "Some Jam, if spread on bread, or given in a spoon." K     said, "A Kangaroo is here,—this picture let him see." L     said, "A Lamp pray keep alight, to make some barley tea." M     said, "A Mulberry or two might give him satisfaction." N     said, "Some Nuts, if rolled about, might be a slight attraction." O     said, "An Owl might make him laugh, if only it would wink." P     said, "Some Poetry might be read aloud, to make him think." Q     said, "A Quince I recommend,—A Quince, or else a Quail." R     said, "Some Rats might make him move, if fastened by their tail." S     said, "A Song should now be sung, in hopes to make him laugh!" T     said, "A Turnip might avail, if sliced or cut in half." U     said, "An Urn, with water hot, place underneath his chin!" V     said, "I'll stand upon a chair, and play a Violin!" W    said, "Some Whiskey-Whizzgigs fetch, some marbles and a ball!" X     said, "Some double XX ale would be the best of all!" Y     said, "Some Yeast mised up with salt would make a perfect plaster!" Z     said, "Here is a box of Zinc! Get in my little master!        We'll shut you up! We'll nail you down!        We will, my little master!        We think we've all heard quite enough of this sad disaster!"

The Courtship of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo Edward Lear  On the Coast of Coromandel Where the early pumpkins blow, In the middle of the woods Lived the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. Two old chairs, and half a candle, One old jug without a handle-- These were all his worldly goods, In the middle of the woods, These were all his worldly goods, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Of the Yonghy-Bonghy Bo. Once, among the Bong-trees walking Where the early pumpkins blow, To a little heap of stones Came the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. There he heard a Lady talking, To some milk-white Hens of Dorking-- "'Tis the Lady Jingly Jones! On that little heap of stones Sits the Lady Jingly Jones!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. "Lady Jingly! Lady Jingly! Sitting where the pumpkins blow, Will you come and be my wife?" Said the Yongby-Bonghy-Bo. "I am tired of living singly-- On this coast so wild and shingly-- I'm a-weary of my life; If you'll come and be my wife, Quite serene would be my life!" Said the Yonghy-Bongby-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. "On this Coast of Coromandel Shrimps and watercresses grow, Prawns are plentiful and cheap," Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. "You shall have my chairs and candle, And my jug without a handle! Gaze upon the rolling deep (Fish is plentiful and cheap); As the sea, my love is deep!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. Lady Jingly answered sadly, And her tears began to flow-- "Your proposal comes too late, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! I would be your wife most gladly!" (Here she twirled her fingers madly) "But in England I've a mate! Yes! you've asked me far too late, For in England I've a mate, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Mr. Yongby-Bonghy-Bo! "Mr. Jones (his name is Handel-- Handel Jones, Esquire, & Co.) Dorking fowls delights to send Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Keep, oh, keep your chairs and candle, And your jug without a handle-- I can merely be your friend! Should my Jones more Dorkings send, I will give you three, my friend! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! "Though you've such a tiny body, And your head so large doth grow-- Though your hat may blow away Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Though you're such a Hoddy Doddy, Yet I wish that I could modi- fy the words I needs must say! will you please to go away That is all I have to say, Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo! Mr. Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo!" Down the slippery slopes of Myrtle, Where the early pumpkins blow, To the calm and silent sea Fled the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. There, beyond the Bay of Gurtle, Lay a large and lively Turtle. "You're the Cove," he said, "for me; On your back beyond the sea, Turtle, you shall carry me!" Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Said the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. Through the silent-roaring ocean Did the Turtle swiftly go; Holding fast upon his shell Rode the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. With a sad primeval motion Towards the sunset isles of Boshen Still the Turtle bore him well. Holding fast upon his shell, "Lady Jingly Jones, farewell!" Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, Sang the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. From the Coast of Coromandel Did that Lady never go; On that heap of stones she mourns For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo. On that Coast of Coromandel, In his jug without a handle Still she weeps, and daily moans; On that little heap of stones To her Dorking Hens she moans, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo, For the Yonghy-Bonghy-Bo.

I take it you already know Of tough and bough and cough and dough? Others may stumble, but not you, On hiccough, thorough, lough and through? Well done! And now you wish, perhaps, To learn of less familiar traps? Beware of heard, a dreadful word That looks like beard and sounds like bird, And dead: it's said like bed, not bead – For goodness sake don't call it deed! Watch out for meat and great and threat (They rhyme with suite and straight and debt). A moth is not a moth in mother, Nor both in bother, broth in brother, And here is not a match for there Nor dear and fear for bear and pear, And then there's dose and rose and lose – Just look them up – and goose and choose, And cork and work and card and ward, And font and front and word and sword, And do and go and thwart and cart – Come, come, I've hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Man alive! I'd mastered it when I was five!

THE DADDY LONG-LEGS AND THE FLY. I. Once Mr. Daddy Long-legs, Dressed in brown and gray,Walked about upon the sands Upon a summer's day:And there among the pebbles, When the wind was rather cold,He met with Mr. Floppy Fly, All dressed in blue and gold;And, as it was too soon to dine, They drank some periwinkle-wine, And played an hour or two, or more, At battlecock and shuttledore. II. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs To Mr. Floppy Fly,"Why do you never come to court? I wish you 'd tell me why.All gold and shine, in dress so fine, You'd quite delight the court.Why do you never go at all? I really think you ought.And, if you went, you'd see such sights! Such rugs and jugs and candle-lights! And, more than all, the king and queen,— One in red, and one in green." III. "O Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly,"It's true I never go to court; And I will tell you why.If I had six long legs like yours, At once I'd go to court;But, oh! I can't, because my legs Are so extremely short.And I'm afraid the king and queen (One in red, and one in green) Would say aloud, 'You are not fit, You Fly, to come to court a bit!'" IV. "Oh, Mr. Daddy Long-legs!" Said Mr. Floppy Fly,"I wish you 'd sing one little song, One mumbian melody.You used to sing so awful well In former days gone by;But now you never sing at all: I wish you'd tell me why:For, if you would, the silvery sound Would please the shrimps and cockles round, And all the crabs would gladly come To hear you sing, 'Ah, Hum di Hum!'" V. Said Mr. Daddy Long-legs, "I can never sing again;And, if you wish, I'll tell you why, Although it gives me pain.For years I cannot hum a bit, Or sing the smallest song;And this the dreadful reason is,— My legs are grown too long!My six long legs, all here and there, Oppress my bosom with despair; And, if I stand or lie or sit, I cannot sing one single bit!" VI. So Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy FlySat down in silence by the sea, And gazed upon the sky.They said, "This is a dreadful thing! The world has all gone wrong,Since one has legs too short by half, The other much too long.One never more can go to court, Because his legs have grown too short; The other cannot sing a song, Because his legs have grown too long!" VII. Then Mr. Daddy Long-legs And Mr. Floppy FlyRushed downward to the foamy sea With one sponge-taneous cry:And there they found a little boat, Whose sails were pink and gray;And off they sailed among the waves, Far and far away:They sailed across the silent main, And reached the great Gromboolian Plain; And there they play forevermore At battlecock and shuttledore.

THE DUCK AND THE KANGAROO. I. Said the Duck to the Kangaroo, "Good gracious! how you hopOver the fields, and the water too, As if you never would stop!My life is a bore in this nasty pond; And I long to go out in the world beyond: I wish I could hop like you,"Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. II. "Please give me a ride on your back," Said the Duck to the Kangaroo:"I would sit quite still, and say nothing but 'Quack' The whole of the long day through;And we 'd go the Dee, and the Jelly Bo Lee, Over the land, and over the sea: Please take me a ride! oh, do!"Said the Duck to the Kangaroo. III. Said the Kangaroo to the Duck, "This requires some little reflection.Perhaps, on the whole, it might bring me luck; And there seems but one objection;Which is, if you'll let me speak so bold, Your feet are unpleasantly wet and cold, And would probably give me the roo-Matiz," said the Kangaroo. IV. Said the Duck, "As I sate on the rocks, I have thought over that completely;And I bought four pairs of worsted socks, Which fit my web-feet neatly;And, to keep out the cold, I've bought a cloak; And every day a cigar I'll smoke; All to follow my own dear true Love of a Kangaroo." V. Said the Kangaroo, "I'm ready, All in the moonlight pale;But to balance me well, dear Duck, sit steady, And quite at the end of my tail." So away they went with a hop and a bound; And they hopped the whole world three times round. And who so happy, oh! who,As the Duck and the Kangaroo?

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XXII Part V: The Duke of York and the beginning of the War of the Roses between Lancaster and York

A Child's History of England by Dickens Chapter 22 part IV: Useless Henry the VI, Jack Cade's Kent Uprising and Death, and the rise of the Duke of York!

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XXII Part III: Joan of Arc's Capture and Death in 1431

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XXII Part II. Joan of Arc's victory and Charles the Vii's coronation at Rheims

Jabberwocky Lewis Carroll   'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves       Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves,       And the mome raths outgrabe.   “Beware the Jabberwock, my son!       The jaws that bite, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun       The frumious Bandersnatch!”   He took his vorpal sword in hand;       Long time the manxome foe he sought— So rested he by the Tumtum tree       And stood awhile in thought.   And, as in uffish thought he stood,       The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,       And burbled as it came!   One, two! One, two! And through and through       The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head       He went galumphing back.   “And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?       Come to my arms, my beamish boy! O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”       He chortled in his joy.   'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves       Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves,       And the mome raths outgrabe.

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XXII Part I: Henry the VI and the coming of Joan of Arc Part I

The Owl and the Pussy-Cat BY EDWARD LEAR I The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea    In a beautiful pea-green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money,    Wrapped up in a five-pound note. The Owl looked up to the stars above,    And sang to a small guitar, "O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,     What a beautiful Pussy you are,          You are,          You are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!"   II Pussy said to the Owl, "You elegant fowl!    How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried:    But what shall we do for a ring?" They sailed away, for a year and a day,    To the land where the Bong-Tree grows And there in a wood a Piggy-wig stood    With a ring at the end of his nose,              His nose,              His nose,    With a ring at the end of his nose.   III "Dear Pig, are you willing to sell for one shilling    Your ring?" Said the Piggy, "I will." So they took it away, and were married next day    By the Turkey who lives on the hill. They dined on mince, and slices of quince,    Which they ate with a runcible spoon; And hand in hand, on the edge of the sand,    They danced by the light of the moon,              The moon,              The moon, They danced by the light of the moon.

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XXI Part II: The death of Henry V

Henry V (the 5th) and the Battle of Agincourt (Azincourt)

A story of risk and adventure The Jumblies BY EDWARD LEAR I   They went to sea in a Sieve, they did,    In a Sieve they went to sea: In spite of all their friends could say, On a winter's morn, on a stormy day,    In a Sieve they went to sea! And when the Sieve turned round and round, And every one cried, ‘You'll all be drowned!' They called aloud, ‘Our Sieve ain't big, But we don't care a button! we don't care a fig!    In a Sieve we'll go to sea!'       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;       Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.     II   They sailed away in a Sieve, they did,    In a Sieve they sailed so fast, With only a beautiful pea-green veil Tied with a riband by way of a sail,    To a small tobacco-pipe mast; And every one said, who saw them go, ‘O won't they be soon upset, you know! For the sky is dark, and the voyage is long, And happen what may, it's extremely wrong    In a Sieve to sail so fast!'       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;       Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.     III   The water it soon came in, it did,    The water it soon came in; So to keep them dry, they wrapped their feet In a pinky paper all folded neat,    And they fastened it down with a pin. And they passed the night in a crockery-jar, And each of them said, ‘How wise we are! Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, Yet we never can think we were rash or wrong,    While round in our Sieve we spin!'       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;       Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.     IV   And all night long they sailed away;    And when the sun went down, They whistled and warbled a moony song To the echoing sound of a coppery gong,    In the shade of the mountains brown. ‘O Timballo! How happy we are, When we live in a sieve and a crockery-jar, And all night long in the moonlight pale, We sail away with a pea-green sail,    In the shade of the mountains brown!'       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;      Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.     V   They sailed to the Western Sea, they did,    To a land all covered with trees, And they bought an Owl, and a useful Cart, And a pound of Rice, and a Cranberry Tart,    And a hive of silvery Bees. And they bought a Pig, and some green Jack-daws, And a lovely Monkey with lollipop paws, And forty bottles of Ring-Bo-Ree,    And no end of Stilton Cheese.       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;       Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.     VI   And in twenty years they all came back,    In twenty years or more, And every one said, ‘How tall they've grown!' For they've been to the Lakes, and the Torrible Zone,    And the hills of the Chankly Bore; And they drank their health, and gave them a feast Of dumplings made of beautiful yeast; And everyone said, ‘If we only live, We too will go to sea in a Sieve,—    To the hills of the Chankly Bore!'       Far and few, far and few,          Are the lands where the Jumblies live;       Their heads are green, and their hands are blue,          And they went to sea in a Sieve.

A Child's History of England by Dickens Chapter XX: Henry IV, his usurping the throne and burning of the heretics

The Pied Piper of Hamelin Robert Browning - 1812-1889     I Hamelin Town's in Brunswick, By famous Hanover city; The river Weser, deep and wide, Washes its wall on the southern side; A pleasanter spot you never spied; But, when begins my ditty, Almost five hundred years ago, To see the townsfolk suffer so From vermin, was a pity. II Rats! They fought the dogs and killed the cats, And bit the babies in the cradles, And ate the cheeses out of the vats, And licked the soup from the cooks' own ladle's, Split open the kegs of salted sprats, Made nests inside men's Sunday hats, And even spoiled the women's chats By drowning their speaking With shrieking and squeaking In fifty different sharps and flats. III At last the people in a body To the town hall came flocking: "'Tis clear," cried they, 'our Mayor's a noddy; And as for our Corporation--shocking To think we buy gowns lined with ermine For dolts that can't or won't determine What's best to rid us of our vermin! You hope, because you're old and obese, To find in the furry civic robe ease? Rouse up, sirs! Give your brains a racking To find the remedy we're lacking, Or, sure as fate, we'll send you packing!" At this the Mayor and Corporation Quaked with a mighty consternation. IV An hour they sat in council, At length the Mayor broke silence: "For a guilder I'd my ermine gown sell, I wish I were a mile hence! It's easy to bid one rack one's brain-- I'm sure my poor head aches again, I've scratched it so, and all in vain Oh for a trap, a trap, a trap!" Just as he said this, what should hap At the chamber door but a gentle tap? "Bless us,' cried the Mayor, "what's that?" (With the Corporation as he sat, Looking little though wondrous fat; Nor brighter was his eye, nor moister Than a too-long-opened oyster, Save when at noon his paunch grew mutinous For a plate of turtle, green and glutinous) "Only a scraping of shoes on the mat? Anything like the sound of a rat Makes my heart go pit-a-pat!" V "Come in!"--the Mayor cried, looking bigger: And in did come the strangest figure! His queer long coat from heel to head Was half of yellow and half of red And he himself was tall and thin, With sharp blue eyes, each like a pin, And light loose hair, yet swarthy skin, No tuft on cheek nor beard on chin, But lips where smiles went out and in-- There was no guessing his kith and kin! And nobody could enough admire The tall man and his quaint attire. Quoth one: "It's as if my great-grandsire, Starting up at the Trump of Doom's tone, Had walked this way from his painted tombstone!" VI He advanced to the council-table: And, "Please your honors," said he, "I'm able, By means of a secret charm, to draw All creatures living beneath the sun, That creep or swim or fly or run, After me so as you never saw! And I chiefly use my charm On creatures that do people harm, The mole and toad and newt and viper; And people call me the Pied Piper." (And here they noticed round his neck A scarf of red and yellow stripe, To match with his coat of the self-same check; And at the scarf's end hung a pipe; And his fingers, they noticed, were ever straying As if impatient to be playing Upon this pipe, as low it dangled Over his vesture so old-fangled.) "Yet," said he, "poor piper as I am, In Tartary I freed the Cham, Last June, from his huge swarm of gnats; I eased in Asia the Nizam Of a monstrous brood of vampyre-bats: And as for what your brain bewilders-- If I can rid your town of rats Will you give me a thousand guilders?" "One? Fifty thousand!" was the exclamation Of the astonished Mayor and Corporation. VII Into the street the Piper stept, Smiling first a little smile, As if he knew what magic slept In his quiet pipe the while; Then, like a musical adept, To blow the pipe his lips he wrinkled, And green and blue his sharp eyes twinkled, Like a candle-flame where salt is sprinkled; And ere three shrill notes the pipe uttered, You heard as if an army muttered; And the muttering grew to a grumbling; And the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling; And out of the houses the rats came tumbling. Great rats, small rats, lean rats, brawny rats, Brown rats, black rats, gray rats, tawny rats, Grave old plodders, gay young friskers, Fathers, mothers, uncles, cousins, Cocking tails and pricking whiskers, Families by tens and dozens, Brothers, sisters, husbands, wives-- Followed the Piper for their lives. From street to street he piped advancing, And step for step they followed dancing, Until they came to the river Weser Wherein all plunged and perished! ‹Save one who, stout as Julius Caesar, Swam across and lived to carry (As the manuscript he cherished) To Rat-land home his commentary: Which was, "At the first shrill notes of the pipe, I heard a sound as of scraping tripe, And putting apples, wondrous ripe, Into a cider-press's gripe: And a moving away of pickle-tub-boards, And a leaving ajar of conserve-cupboards, And a drawing the corks of train-oil-flasks, And a breaking the hoops of butter-casks: And it seemed as if a voice (Sweeter far than by harp or by psaltery Is breathed) called out, 'Oh rats, rejoice! The world is grown to one vast dry-saltery! So munch on, crunch on, take your nuncheon, Breakfast, supper, dinner, luncheon!' And just as a bulky sugar-puncheon, All ready staved, like a great sun shone Glorious scarce an inch before me, Just as methought it said 'Come bore me!' -- I found the Weser rolling o'er me." VIII You should have heard the Hamelin people Ringing the bells till they rocked the steeple. Go," cried the Mayor, "and get long poles! Poke out the nests and block up the holes! Consult with carpenters and builders And leave in our town not even a trace Of the rats!"-- when suddenly, up the face Of the Piper perked in the market-place, With a, "First, if you please, my thousand guilders!" IX A thousand guilders! The Mayor looked blue; So did the Corporation too. For council dinners made rare havoc With Claret, Moselle, Vin-de-Grave, Hock; And half the money would replenish Their cellar's biggest butt with Rhenish. To pay this sum to a wandering fellow With a gypsy coat of red and yellow! "Beside," quoth the Mayor with a knowing wink, "Our business was done at the river's brink; We saw with our eyes the vermin sink, And what's dead can't come to life, I think. So, friend, we're not the folks to shrink From the duty of giving you something for drink, And a matter of money to put in your poke; But as for the guilders, what we spoke Of them, as you very well know, was in joke. Beside, our losses have made us thrifty . A thousand guilders! Come, take fifty! X The Piper's face fell, and he cried, "No trifling! I can't wait! Beside, I've promised to visit by dinnertime Bagdad, and accept the prime Of the Head-Cook's pottage, all he's rich in, For having left, in the Caliph's kitchen, Of a nest of scorpions no survivor-- With him I proved no bargain-driver, With you, don't think I'll bate a stiver! And folks who put me in a passion May find me pipe to another fashion." XI "How?" cried the Mayor, "d'ye think I brook Being worse treated than a Cook? Insulted by a lazy ribald With idle pipe and vesture piebald? You threaten us, fellow? Do your worst, Blow your pipe there till you burst!" XII Once more he stept into the street And to his lips again Laid his long pipe of smooth straight cane; And ere he blew three notes (such sweet Soft notes as yet musician's cunning Never gave the enraptured air) There was a rustling that seemed like a bustling Of merry crowds justling at pitching and hustling, Small feet were pattering, wooden shoes clattering, Little hands clapping, and little tongues chattering, And, like fowls in a farm-yard when barley is scattering, Out came the children running. All the little boys and girls, With rosy cheeks and flaxen curls, And sparkling eyes and teeth like pearls, Tripping and skipping, ran merrily after The wonderful music with shouting and laughter. XIII The Mayor was dumb, and the Council stood As if they were changed into blocks of wood, Unable to move a step or cry, To the children merrily skipping by-- And could only follow with the eye That joyous crowd at the Piper's back. But how the Mayor was on the rack And the wretched Council's bosoms beat, As the Piper turned from the High Street To where the Weser rolled its water's Right in the way of their sons and daughters! However he turned from South to West And to Koppelberg Hill his steps addressed, And after him the children pressed; Great was the joy in every breast. "He never can cross that mighty top! He's forced to let the piping drop And we shall see our children stop! When, lo, as they reached the mountain-side, A wondrous portal opened wide, As if a cavern was suddenly hollowed; And the Piper advanced and the children followed, And when all were in to the very last, The door in the mountain-side shut fast. Did I say all? No! One was lame, And could not dance the whole of the way; And in after years, if you would blame His sadness, he was used to say,-- "It's dull in our town since my playmates left! I can't forget that I'm bereft Of all the pleasant sights they see, Which the Piper also promised me. For he led us, he said, to a joyous land, Joining the town and just at hand, Where waters gushed and fruit-trees grew, And flowers put forth a fairer hue, And everything was strange and new; The sparrows were brighter than peacocks here, And their dogs outran our fallow deer, And honey-bees had lost their stings, And horses were born with eagles' wings: And just as I became assured My lame foot would be speedily cured, The music stopped and I stood still, And found myself outside the hill, Left alone against my will, To go now limping as before, And never hear of that country more! XIV Alas, alas for Hamelin! There came into many a burgher's pate A text which says that heaven's gate Opens to the rich at as easy rate As the needle's eye takes a camel in! The mayor sent East, West, North and South, To offer the Piper, by word of mouth Wherever it was men's lot to find him, Silver and gold to his heart's content, If he'd only return the way he went, And bring the children behind him. But when they saw 'twas a lost endeavor, And Piper and dancers were gone forever, They made a decree that lawyers never Should think their records dated duly If, after the day of the month and year, These words did not as well appear: "And so long after what happened here On the twenty-second of July, Thirteen hundred and seventy-six;" And the better in memory to fix The place of the children's last retreat, They called it the Pied Piper's Street, Where any one playing on pipe or tabor Was sure for the future to lose his labor. Nor suffered they hostelry or tavern To shock with mirth a street so solemn, But opposite the place of the cavern They wrote the story on a column, And on the great church-window painted The same, to make the world acquainted How their children were stolen away, And there it stands to this very day. And I must not omit to say That, in Transylvania there's a tribe Of alien people who ascribe To the outlandish ways and dress On which their neighbors lay such stress, To their fathers and mothers having risen Out of some subterranean prison Into which they were trepanned Long time ago in a mighty band Out of Hamelin town in Brunswick land, But how or why they don't understand. XV So, Willy, let you and me be wipers Of scores out with all men--especially pipers! And, whether they pipe us free, from rats or from mice, If we've promised them ought, let us keep our promise.

A Child's History of England by Charles Dickens. Chapter XVIIII Part II Henry Bollingbroke and  the demise of Richard the II

In Flanders Fields BY JOHN MCCRAE   In Flanders fields the poppies blow Between the crosses, row on row,     That mark our place; and in the sky     The larks, still bravely singing, fly Scarce heard amid the guns below.   We are the Dead. Short days ago We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,     Loved and were loved, and now we lie,         In Flanders fields.   Take up our quarrel with the foe: To you from failing hands we throw     The torch; be yours to hold it high.     If ye break faith with us who die We shall not sleep, though poppies grow         In Flanders fields.

Richard the 2nd, Part I, Wat Tyler

A Child's History of England by Dickens Chapter 18 Part III: The Black Price and the 1356 Battle of Poitiers!