Death Metal Dads

Metal festivals: we all hate them. From Psycho Las Vegas to Festum Carnis, these cursed gatherings serve as the bane of every true banger's existence. In this episode, the Dads sit down with Chad Gailey (Necrot, Mortuous, Palace of Worms, Scolex, Atrament, Phrenelith, etc etc etc etc) to get to the bottom of every Parenthead's nightmare scenario: the dreaded FEST.  Music: Nunslaughter, "Death By The Dead" Necrot, "The Blade" PS Shelby was wrong, there are 4 Nunslaughter full-lengths, not 2. NEW contact: deathmetaldads@gmail.com

The Dads convene for the very first time on DMD with their own offspring Calvyn and Ezra, resulting in a horrific mishmash of bad movies, bad jokes, dad jokes, Jar Jar Binks, Wilford Brimley, and Gigli Allin. Stereotypes are reinforced, iron is pumped, and topical wisdom is dispensed in this thrill-a-minute crash course in parenting gone wrong! Music: Extremity, "Like Father Like Son" Manowar, "Carry On"

Aesop and Shelby would like to speak to your manager. Music: Dying Fetus, "Killing On Adrenaline" Faun Fables, "Eyes Of A Bird"

In today's installment, Aesop and Shelby are joined by their pal Nick Katich (the morbid wizard behind the one-man black metal juggernaut Palace of Worms) to wax moronic about weird Finnish death metal, mispronunciations, selling out, cashing in, fighting The Man, and "sounding like Autopsy". Did you know Nick is a mortician? Yep, and he sure has some crazy fucking stories. So sit back, pour yourself some corpse juice, and have a listen! Music: Sentenced, "Rot To Dead" Palace of Worms "Rot From The Stars"

Finland's own Harri Kuokkanen (Hooded Menace, Ride For Revenge, Horse Latitudes, Hail Conjurer) sits down with the Dads for an in-depth discussion on Danzig, weightlifting, Body Count, religion, and the delicate cultural intricacies of pissing in public. Is Ice T the coolest guy ever? Who's going to Aftershock this year? Is America doomed? Does Blue Oyster Cult still "have it" in 2018? What is "it"? Tune in to find out! Music: Body Count, "Cop Killer" Hooded Menace, "Charnel Reflections"

Anal Cunt is a horrible fucking cunt of a band. Ivanka Trump is a fucking cunt. You're a fucking cunt, I'm a cunt, we're all fucking cunts. Who gives a shit? Music: Anal Cunt, "Unbelievable" Extremity, "Grave Mistake" PS Shelby got John Boorman and John Sayles mixed up, sorry.

Good news, Parentheads! The Dads are back with their third annual Mother's Day episode, featuring very very special returning guest Jeri Scardina (Shelby's mom)! How monumental is the occasion? Well, let's just say there was A FUCKING EARTHQUAKE right when these fools hit the record button! Truly an Act of God, and a DMD episode not to be missed! Music: Vomitory, "The Voyage" The Little Girls, "The Earthquake Song"

In today's episode, the Dads are joined by drum wizard and BFF Justin Ennis (Void Omnia, Vale, Ulthar, Cheap Gwar) for a lengthy discussion about Sweden's Oxiplegatz--the alien-fucking, lazer gun-toting, sexy cyborg-having intergalactic alter-ego of former At The Gates guitarist Alf Svensson. Also, they call everyone posers and get to the bottom of why it sucks so much to be a show booker. We were very tired when we recorded this. Music: Oxiplegatz, "Dark Millennium (There Shall Never Be Another Dawn)" Harvey Milk, "A Good Thing Gone"

Wherein the Dads regale you, the listener, with the tale of Wulkanaz--a Swedish black metal warrior who defeated his Facebook enemy by means of an axe. Also some talk about Poland's Vader, police brutality, hookers, and The Great Mosh Pit of Life. Music: Vader, "Silent Empire" TV On The Radio, "Ambulance" Wulkanaz, "Lykta och Bloss"

An unconventional installment wherein the Dads comb through their vast and sprawling collection of mp3s to bring YOU, the listener, 16 forgotten bands that are not worthy of their own DMD episode. Thrilling fun, plus bonus content re: pubes! Music: Vastum, "Gagging on a Gash" Hickey, "Revolution $19.95"

Listen to two guys playing hot potato with a blowjob. Music: Unleashed, "The Dark One" The Flaming Lips, "Evil Will Prevail"  

Shelby and Aesop sit down with accomplished author (Swedish Death Metal, Violent Italy, Swedish Sensationsfilms) and musician (Insision, Iron Lamb, Diskonto, Third Storm, Tyrant, Usurpress, Dellamorte, etc) Daniel Ekeroth to discuss his career in extreme media, from the punk and hardcore roots of metal to the European influx of B-movie slasher and horror films to the undeniable fact that Finland doesn't actually exist. It's a surreal, over-saturated giallo of discourse, culminating in a tense, horrifying shocker of a finale--leaving all participants confused, blood-covered, and wielding large kitchen knives. What else? Well: Band Economics 101, People Are Allowed To Have Opinions, Dario Argento's Comic Book Store, Born-Again Christian Harry Reems, Drunk At The Gym, A Miserable Small Town In Northern Sweden Ripped Wide Open By Napalm Death, Yngwie J. Malmsteen Smoking Crack Inside of A Hollowed-Out Marshall Cabinet, Japanese Hardcore And You And Me, Aesop's Cool Story About The Nocturnus Book He Didn't Write (Extended, Remixed Version), Exactly One Hundred Years of Censorship, Let The Write One In, The Day Burzum Ruined Everything, Where The Fish Are Made of Candy, Remembering The Alamo (Drafthouse), Dismember-ing The Malmö (Sweden), Drinking Vodka Whilst Driving And Also Yelling At Pedestrians, Sacramento: California's Finland, Wishing A Speedy Recovery To Lemmy Kilmeister, Daniel Tells That Same Story Everyone Has About Their Mom Throwing Out All Their Old Star Wars And Ninja Turtles Action Figures Except It's About Obscure Death Metal Demos This Time, Floridian Methamphetamines And The Bentonomicon, Krug Life, Talkin' Vomitory, The Shape of Cum To Punk, The Malort Connection, Enamel Pin Chat, Last Houses: On The Lefts vs On Dead End Streets, Cult Movie Convention Etiquette, Remember When Voivod Covered The Batman Theme Song?, That Tacqueria In Oslo, Norway That The Guy From Wall of Voodoo Owns, Death Lays An Egg, An Amuse Bouche of Riffs, 100 Beers A Day From 1985 To 1995, "Rashomon" Except It's A Sex Comedy, A Sandwich (The Wegetarian Wersion), No Klingon Dick, The Time Aesop Punched Shelby At The Ruby Room, Beach Friend, Hat Talk, Nap Eyes, Overwhelming Colorfast (Again), Jackin' It To Swedish Aviation Magazines, Les Schwab: Pride And Performance, "The Chicago Handshake", Cutlering Books, Porn And Toilets, Un-Nice Scene Beef, 3 People In A Shitty Hotel Wayyy Outside Baltimore, Kind Of Goblinlike, Rancid Shit, Soft Puke, Torsos, The DMD Bump, and, as always, Fatherly Advice. Not gonna lie, this is a really good episode. Well... It's ok. It's... It's at least better than that last one with Tony Molina. Music: Insision, "World Impaled" Usurpress, "Interregnum" Slamahoochee, "Denny's Lumberjack Slam Breakfast (Come Undone)(feat. Tony Molina)" PS: That Korean horror movie from 2016 is "The Wailing", dammit.

In today's installment, Shelby and Aesop celebrate their two-year anniversary by meeting up with the Final Boss of Death Metal Dads, Mr. Tony "He" Molina (Tony Molina Band, Ovens, Healer, etc). Slam metal and the Hailz Distro Group Chat are discussed at length, and as a special Valentine's Day exclusive, Aesop finally shares the sordid details of the ancient Hickey/Voodoo Glow Skulls Split 7" Debacle. Lots of Bay Area music history and solid roasts in this one, so buckle up! Also discussed: The Pink Immortal Onesie, An Unnecessary Transaction, The Best Tambourine-Repair Shop In Philadelphia, Long Island Slam Metal Blanket Fort, A Reference To Overwhelming Colorfast, Shelby Can't Believe A Vegan Donut, Roger Osborne, The Malignancy Pillow, Tom Araya Going "Aaaahhhhhhhh", A Burger That Has Onion Straws On It And BBQ Sauce And, Like, An IPA, Paul Bostaph's Favorite Ninja Weapon, A Reddit Rabbit-Hole, Paul Ryan/Gordon Jump, The Taco Bell Jerky Lady, Oakland Blacksmiths, When Hardcore Kids Hear Dismember 5 Minutes Ago And Start A Band About It, No-Riff-erum, Fuckin' In A Fire Truck, Building A Community And Supporting The Homies, A Trumpet Full of Yogurt, How Can You Be Gangster When You Play A Trombone?, The Cool Guy Clique, New Standard Elite: The Only Metal Record Label Based On A Yacht, I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry And The Drummer From Internal Bleeding, A Potato With Four Toothpicks Stuck In It With Chewing Gum For A Head, Bands That Have Parts, Defining Interesting Riff Metal, Pinch Harmonics Chat, One Singular Slam, Die In A Fire, Matching Cephalotripsy Hoodies As A Symbol of Pure Friendship, Swoopy Bangs And Stretched Earlobes, Shitty Dudes In A Wood-Panel Basement In 1993, That Time Tony Showed Up To California Deathfest In A Cardigan Holding A Totebag, Anti-Bowman, Little Fight Club, Revisiting The Underwear Punx, Unibrow/Mustache Unity, Crust Punk Rob Schneider, Burnt Ramen vs Gilman vs Mission Records, For Fans of Slap Bass And Grey Aliens, The Burlingame Coat Factory, A Bridge Into The World of Extreme Music And The Occult, The Jello Biafra of Black Metal Bands, Scaphism Chat And The Kings of Ping, Walnut Krieg, The Vanilla Gorillas, Legends of Millbrae Grindcore, Folger's Pigeons, Prison Guards, Weed Raps, Printing Errors, Howling Bulls, Vulgar Crystals, Christian Death Metal, Myspace, Texas Instruments, ASCII Metal, Fudgegazi, Chainsmoking, Quitting Bands, and, as always, The DMD Bump and Fatherly Advice. EVERYONE ARE POSERS. Music: Cephalotripsy, "Sanguinary Misogynistic Execration" Tony Molina Band, "No One Told He" Hickey, "Food Stamps And Drink Tickets"   PS The Creedence song that had the first ever slam was "Looking Out My Back Door"

In today's episode, the Dads sit down formally in the austere and labyrinthine lobbies of Radio Valencia HQ with friend, aunt, co-conspirator, and Illogical Contraption Radio host Sara Murphy to discuss furries, Bay Area life, music, feminism, job interviews, and the horrifying banality of everyday life. Epiphanies unfurl and dreams are shattered at neck-breaking speeds, and soon the doomed trio succumb to unavoidable despair in a futile gesture of ultimate chaos and misery. Also: jokes about poop! Also featured herein: A Show For Moms, One Spray And You're South of The Border, The Cum Manifesto, IKEA Banana, The Kitchen From An Eighties Mental Hospital, Too Much of A Team Player, An Actual Lion, Adults In Toddler Clothing, Less Offensive Than Dave Matthews, A Preview of The DMD Mother's Day Special, Seth Putnam's Acoustic Solo Project, A Young Jew, Prick Springfield, "That Sounds Fingerbang-y", M.I.R.V. Chat, Jarboe Reading Poetry Off Of Eugene Robinson's Bare Torso While Neurosis Plays Noodly Ambient Music In The Background, Frequent Assaults, The New York Longstockings, Where's Primus?, Re-Heating The Same Ideas, Something To Whack Off To, Basically Just Making Fun of Hammers of Misfortune, Kind Of Ethnic, Professional Backtracking, Yoga Music And The Brain Bubbles, The Amebix Nicotine Patch, An Albino In A Onesie In The Produce Aisle, 'Lennies, Top Ramen (No Bottoms), Holocaust Record Store, Shopping For Ham Steaks And Bulk Mayonnaise, A Separate Heaven For Hawaiians, The Blood Incantation Shirt Shirt, Identifyin' Imagine Dragons, ASMR Chat (Again), Mustache Doctor, Ed Sheeran Reminisces About Friendster, New Kids On The Blockchain, The Chase Mason Special, Cosmic Carpet, Andergrans Meatl, Hate Mail, Squashing The Beef With Squash Bowels, That's So Murphy, Alameda's Own Brad Willis, Proud Irish Girl, Mephisto Odyssey Park, An Unhealthy Fixation On A Co-Worker, The Boobs Part In "Schindler's List", Femayor, A Lecture About Tipping Generously, A Guy In A Diaper Onstage, Josh Needs An Operation, Wasting Time At The Gas Station, The DMD Platinum Club, "Stash" Dekker, #ReleaseTheDemo, Pizzagate or Whatever, A Shoutout To God, Tiki Torches From Pier One Imports, Short For Trishtopher, Broken Home vs Broken Hope, Old Soup Found In The Microwave of The Lactation Room, Aesop/Andrea, The Nuge, The DMD Bump, and of course, Fatherly Advice. It's an all-day vape! Music: Tiamat, "In The Shrines of the Kingly Dead" Puny Humans, "Deicide, At Their Mom's House"

The enemies of Robb Flynn are the enemies of America. Music: Immolation: "Despondent Souls" Parliament Funkadelic (with Buckethead, maybe?): "Hideous Mutant Freekz"

In DMD’s first episode of 2018, the Fathers convene on a cold, rainy night in East Oakland with nepotistic third-time guest Ezra Lux to discuss a generation-spanning selection of topics ranging from racism to Taco Bell, soda pop brands to film history, and conspiracy theories to Finnish death metal. Will Producer Ezra’s mind withstand the shitstorm of psychic malevolence? Will Shelby learn to differentiate between Bill S. Preston, Esquire, and Ted Theodore Logan? Will Aesop remain awake? Tune in to find out! Also blathered upon most non-heinously: A Trip Down Memory Lane (Horse Meat, Soy, and Grease), Dennis Quaid-Randy Quaid-Beau Bridges-Lloyd Bridges-Jeff Bridges-Jeff Daniels-Anthony Daniels-Daniel Day-Lewis-Anthony Kiedis, As Real As The Streets, Gay Jail, Tyler The Kreator, Does Finland Exist?, No Sprite Served Here, Doug E. Fresh: Rappin’ Scientologist, DMD2: Spring Fever, DMD3: Death Metal Dads In Space, DMD4: Death Metal Dads vs Leprechaun, and DMD5: Death Metal Dads vs Logan Paul vs Leatherface In Da Hood, Jimmy Stewart: Wife-Murdering Clown, Racial Insensitivity And Ezra Using The Word “Faggot”, Man Eggs And Bisketti, Freaked Chat, Oscarbaiting, “Urban Marketing” And The Average American Teenager, Unsolicited Alabama Football Notifications, “Special” “Rallies”, Elementary School Field Trip To The Suicide Forest, Burning The Midnight Oil, Brooke Shields, The Older Brother From “Blossom”, Okay In Small Doses, Reindeer Meat With A Zig-Zag of Fancy Sauce, Fuzzy Tingly Feelings In Your Brain And Private Areas, Gibby Haynes vs Larry “Bud” Melman, DMD Gets Their Own Show On The Disney Channel, Sex As A Child, Toxic Waste And Mutants And Shit, 2018 Coachella Lineup Announcements, Vladimir Putin Fucks A Poodle, The Poe Man’s Podcast,  Naming Actors, Naming Bands, And Naming Movies, Mustained, Twitter Beefs, Solving Colorblindness With Bitcoin, The Ghost of The Dead Grandma From Family Circus, Holocaust Denial, The DMD Bump (Self-Love Edition), and, as always, Fatherly Advice. Consume it! Music: Demigod, “Dead Soul” Charlie Daniels, “In America”

Shelby and Aesop are joined by Peruvian maniac Garzo (Los Huaycos) to smash the language barrier sans phone service or microphones and uncover the truth about foreign Santas, time-travelling prog rock bands, future pyramids, and hairless dogs.  Also discussed: Night Ranger Or Power Ranger?, A Guitar That Turns Into A Motorcycle, Cans vs Bottles of Beer And The Perils of Drunken Skateboarding, Shitpussies And Buttholes And Vaginas, Leafblower Week At The Yamaha Factory, Where's The Mayonnaise?, Fred Etsy, Drummer of Dismember, Lawrence of A Labia, Hulk-Cucking, Klingon Bukkake, Toilet Paper Hacks (Toilet Paper That You Cannot See), 13 Reasons Why Los Huaycos Are The Cannibal Corpse of Netflix, A Spoiling Alert, All This Fucking Shit That Is Happening, Looking For A Job In The Milky Way, Sucking The Nipple, Sharpening The Pen, Ricky Henderson In The 90s, Human Evolution And The Upside-Down, The Secret Broken Phone (Don't Tell My Wife), A Speedo And A Razor, Super Friends From Peru, Drugs And Fucking, Hebrew College, A Hundred Dollar Idea, The Trouble With Tribbles And Cum, Horny Goat Weed, Randy Scottish Basilisk Powder, Romulan Porno And The Roddenberry Estate, Being More Like Fabio, A Pinch of Nutmeg Around The Holidays, Making Christmas White Again, Sometimes In The Mountains They Don't Get Presents, Rush Rash, A Possibly Non-Existent Band Called Placebo, Jose Canseco (A Shitty Landlord), Finding Pizza In Your Bed, Hitler And UFOs And The Hollow Earth And The Illuminatus! Trilogy, Semen In Garzo's Dad's Penis, International Habits of Taxi Drivers, Falling Asleep On BART, A Drunk Santa In Your Uber, Fluorescent Birdhouses, A Special Non-Denominational Holiday Message From The Death Metal Dads, Heinous Hoodies, Garzo Only (No Mike), The DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly Advice. This one is punk as FUCK. Music: Dismember, "Soon To Be Dead" Los Huaycos, "Huaycal Animal" Cannibal Corpse, "The Bleeding" and Tears For Fears, "The Hurting" played at the same time (PS Yngwie J. Malmsteen totally WAS in G3. Suck it Aesop.)

In today's installment, the Dads convene upstairs at The DNA Lounge in scenic San Francisco with one-man wrecking crew Paul Ryan (Origin) to discuss licks, riffs, shreds, dicks, and donuts. It's a veritable buffet of off-color topics, ending in a crescendo of shame and horror. Join us! Also open for debate: Your Dad's Dick, Shred Begley Jr., More Than a Feeling, Death Metal Dads (Now On Netflix), Dead On A Cruise Ship, How Sociopathetics Clip Your Toenails, BYOB Strip Clubs, Mostly Cum And Farts, The Entire Shipping Department At Camco Drum Pedals, An Automotive Diagnostic of Death Metal Music, Hot Takes About Obituary, Now With The Internet And Everything, The VP of Sweeps, Hitler Was A Vegan, Infernal Hailz/Come To Brasil, "Nature Is My Jam", Dez Cadena In A Dashiki, Topeka/Tapioca, Good Times At The Maritime Hall (RIP) and The Pound (RIP), A Lot Of Talk About Gorefest, Paul's Seaside Estate, George Lucas vs Lucas Mann, An Intimate Phone Encounter, Hatebreed Hatespeech, Fairly Biblical, The Car Crash Story, Exhumed And Their Halfway House Program, A "Covfefe" Reference, Bad Ideas For "Bonus Content", Thrash Metal Bangs, Our Stupid Ass Show, NASCAR's Mike Smith, Suffocation's Mike Smith, Strange Things Afoot In The Back Room At Guitar Center, Shelby's Racism... Exposed!, If At The Gates Were Younger And More Attractive, Steel Toe Abortions, Rubik's Cubes And Rotary Phones, The Benefits of A Plant-Based Diet, A Wizard In A Garage Making Amps and Pedals, Sixty Acres of Land In Marin, Mike And The Mechanics Chat, A Black Metal Band In Tennis Clothing, "The Bleeding", "The Hurting", "The Wizard of Oz", and "Dark Side of The Moon", Gangbanging For God, A Simply Red Cassette In A Nissan Pathfinder, The Fixie Bikes And The Ironic Moustaches, Four Kinds of Vegan Donuts, Phobiaphobic, Fatherly Advice, and of course, The DMD... Plug? Music: Origin, "Mithradatic" The Manson Family, "Scratching Peace Symbols In Your Tombstone"

In this week's scandalous sequence, the Dads venture into the basement-level dressing rooms of Slim's in San Francisco for a mid-evening tryst with Chase Mason and Nate Garrett (Gatecreeper, Spirit Adrift). The fetid foursome find favor, and float fetishized fallacies for a fervent fifty-five (f)minutes. Listen in, and be shocked by the episode's (literal) climax! What else is in here? Observe: A Cuckhold Discussion/Cumming On The Baby, Joshua Bling Bling, Aesop Has To Pee, Shooting Up With Boz Scaggs, Shawn Doing Weed Stuff, Moustaches And Vaping And Lies And Fidget Spinners, The Power Trippin' Rabbi, The Cost of A Gold Tooth In 2017, Buying The DMD Bump, A Message To Mom, David Lynch With Down Syndrome, Tool Fans, Lurking Rob Barrett In The Alley In The Rain, Mormon Rules About Facial Hair, Brigham Young vs Bring 'Em Young, "Recommendations For You", The OTHER Chick From Vastum, Idris Elba vs Paul Baloff, Long And Hard (But Mostly Hard), Every Woman Sitting On A Cake, Cryptopsy Taco Supremacy, Group Chat Chat, Origins of The Pingy Snare, Herpes vs "Mic Rash", Attila's Traveling Hairstylist, If Gatecreeper Was A Movie, Lots of Rotting Meat On Set, White People In The Kitchen, The Spirit of Full Disclosure, The M. Night Shyamalan of Shameful Masturbation, Jessica Tandy's PornHub Page, Incriminating Talk About Meth, John Leguizamo Getting His Dick Stuck In A Bottle, Legitimately Weirded Out, Death Metal Drive Thru, The Heyday of Mediafire, LMFAO (Lick My Fuckin Ass Out), Chuck Norris/Chuck Taylor, A Total Candy-Ass, Hockey Without The Sticks, Michael Jordan's Hitler Moustache, Musings On Crud Wizard And Luxury Factory, Action Pants, Not "Drunk" Just "Right", Phantasm Bros, Cosmic Hearse + Methadone, The Wet Bandits, Riffs And Fists, Troll 2 And The Gorilla With The Jetpack, The Thing About Aesop And That Movie "Spun", and a complete lack of all normalcy or regular segments. Enjoy responsibly! Music: Gatecreeper, "Craving Flesh" Spirit Adrift, "Curse of Conception"

Writer, fighter, singer, strangler, poet, and all-around badass Eugene Robinson (Oxbow, Whipping Boy, Bunuel, Ozy.com) welcomes the Dads back into his fortress of solitude for a spirited discussion about art, violence, sex, philosophy, and staying the fuck away from the headliner’s beer. Popeye the dog is also present. Also nestled comfortably herein: Why Zeppelin Sucks, Horny Goat Weed, Racially Identifying As “Television”, In Need of A Skilled Cocksman, The Harvey Weinstein Seven, Aesop’s Porn Appearance, Craft Services, The Case of The Missing Stripper Pole, Cum And Ladders, Guys Who Can Fight, The Huff Huff Woof Woof Thing, Those Competitions Where They Put A Leather Vest On A Dog And Then Strap A Pallet of Cinderblocks To The Vest And Then The Dog Drags Them Around, Dubbed In Spanish, That Wolf From Looney Toons With The Bugged-Out Eyes, Why Tarantino Sucks, Plagiarism And Pedophilia, A Black Guy With A Saxophone, Giving Guns To Depressed Kids For Christmas, Max’s Kansas City: A Lesson In False Advertising, Real Creep Shit, The Department of Parks And Recreation And Fistfighting, ‘Les Miserables’ Except Set In A Punk House, The Exploding Meth Lab, Stealing Riffs From Robert Deathrage, The Meat Shits/Anal Cunt Split, Obituary Hat Chat, Hittin’ On A Dead Nun, Peep Show Secrets, “Good Incubus” Vs. “Bad Incubus”, Spoilers About Darth Vader, A 14" Sharpened Screwdriver With A Taped Handle, Jerking Off In Houseplants, Impending News About Burl Ives, Harvey Milk And Eggs And Wine And Gravy And Pancakes, Breen Day, The Tardy Brothers’ Cat Rescue, Keeping The Party Polite, The Shitty Dude Algorithm, Slipping Mother Theresa The Tongue, The DMD Bump, The Reverse DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly Advice. What an episode!  Music: Obituary, “Dead Silence” Alice Donut, “Mummenschantz Pachinko” Oxbow, “Cold And Well-Lit Place” Also contained in this episode is audio of the Death Metal Dads’ live appearance (also with Eugene) at the Illogical Contraption Post-Halloween Decompression Fiasco Weds, Nov 1, at the Punchline in SF. Video coming soon!

The Dads are back after a long absence, and dive into a veritable treasure trove of Floridian folklore, spanning the dirty basements that spawned Death to the cocaine-crusted speedboats fearlessly captained by Jimmy Buffett. Also more Sweatpants Chat. Further pontifications as follows: Oh, The Huge Manatee, The TV That You Watch The News On That Is Also On The News On TV, A Furious Rant About Dickholes And Buttflaps, A Requiem For Tom Petty, Rat Weed And Playgrounds, DMD Gets A New Recording Device, How Many Marleys?, The Inert Police Force of Colorado Springs, Colorado, That Thing That Happened With The Dick Pics And The Oakland Police Department, Lieutenant Joe Kenda Always Gets His Man, How To Not Make Friends And Not Influence People, Interdimensional Lovecraft Portal Shit, Sunn Ra))), Alameda: Where The Past And The Future Collide, Supportive Funky Kong ASMR Videos, Friendly Crackheads, YOU'RE NO PRIZE!, Listener "Rod" And The Sweatpants Conundrum, Blood Duster: Season 12 Material, Euro Porn Dudes, A Cautionary Tale, Real-Ass Trainheads, Huey Lewis' Cock, Militia Etheridge, The Artimus Pyle Defense, Death The Band Vs. Death The Activity, Aesop's Connection To The Hijackers Responsible For 9/11, Head Parrothead, Stories of The Intercoastal Waterway, Manatees: The Morons of The Sea, A 40 Dollar Coke-Booger, The Thrill-Seeking Teens of Hollywood, Florida, A Lot of Talk About John Hand, Freeway Rick Rozz, Death Metal Grandpas, 6 Months of Community College And The Resulting Consumption of Hot Pockets, An Angular, Spindley, Fucked Up Thing, Aura Noir Cologne, The Mind Lamp, Shelby Getting Exposed As A Total Hippie, Dad Sex, The DMD Bump, and, as always, Fatherly Advice. Be nice to dogs! Music: Death, "Evil Dead" Manilla Road, "Flaming Metal System" CATCH THE DEATH METAL DADS LIVE THIS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 1ST, AT THE ILLOGICAL CONTRAPTION POST-HALLOWEEN DECOMPRESSION FIASCO AT THE PUNCHLINE SF!

Join The 27 Club with The Dads as they welcome their best friend (and father of modern podcasting) Cory Sklar (Chaki, the internationally-renowned Illogical Contraption Radio) to the show, in a dark and subtly nuanced conversation about fucking couches, doing blow, slapping bass, and dodging nukes. Will they find the creamy center of Cory's brain, and figure out what makes this funky balladeer's inner time bomb tick? Your guess is as good as mine! Also infernally exalted herein: Playing Megadeth Covers In A Hungry Hunter In 2030, A Guy That Needs A Pocket Pussy, Lox of Love, Moving To A Monastery And Making Dungeon Synth, Can I Fuck Your Kids First?, Brown Nazis, Snorting Coke With The Guy From Iron Butterfly, Great Moments In Guns N Roses Bloopers History, Delivering A Goat Head To The Oakland Metro, Sunny Day Real Estate Agents, Mall Metal, Ken M In The Yahoo Comments, Ted McGinley: Horseman of the Apocalypse, No Snow No Show, Ian From Skrewdriver, Talking About Jawbreaker In 2017, Bumblefoot Chat, The Goth Onion, Trey Azagthoth's Pancakes, Sleep Are Still Playing, Supportive Pit Dad, The Dave Murray Color Chart, Penis Injuries, A Cacophony of Dead Musicians AKA The Ungodly Racket, A Requiem For Metal Inquisition, Bedroom Shredders, Happy Suffocation, Rivetheads, Really Nice Guys, Self-Addressed Stamped Envelopes, Crying At A Promise Ring Show For A Whole Different Reason, Are You #Triggered?, Every Other House Is Racist, Beastmaster Stuff (The Ferrets Will Save Him), C-Level vs Sea Level, Your Led Zeppelins And Your Mick Jaggers, A Lot of Cadillacs On The Block And Fringe Jackets, A Whole Lifetime of Fabricating Pussies, Girlfriend (For A Night), Quinn/Martin Productions, The Proper Plural of Abacus, Moustache Wives, The Best Possible Outcome, Na'Vi Fleshlights, Sweatpants In The Wild, Bob Eubanks Scoring Weed, A Dog That Loads Gear, Tech Death Athleticism, Bizarro-World Clickbait, The Guy That Shot Alexander Hamilton, Getting Kicked Out of The Elks Club In Snoqualmie Falls, Prison Vagina, Judging Disabled Children, Send Us Dildos!, Metal Nerds, Frank Mullen: The DMD Jackalope, The Great Milenko, Aliens And Bigfoots, Missing The 90s, The Monty Python of Death Metal (Just Less Entertaining), Is Death An "Ailment"?, Living In A Castle Like Enya, Florida Springsteen, The Kiwanis Club, Enough Hate For Burners AND Nazis, The DMD Bump, and, as always, Fatherly Advice. It's a solid "also-ran"! Music: Cancer, "CFC" The Hook, "Son of Fantasy II"

In today's exhaustive expulsion of erratic estimations, the Dads are joined in the loud and stinky bowels of the Oakland Music Complex by comedian, weirdo, vocalist, and fellow dad Scott Vermeire (Sad Vicious, Talkies). After a couple shots of Jeppson's Malort, the conversation quickly turns to sadness and desperation, culminating in the cathartic howls of grown men paying tortured obeisance to their own quiet mortality. Dick jokes too! Also contained within these cursed 80 minutes: An Awkward Encounter, One Million Tugs, Vaudeville!, The Traditional Consumption of Regional Liqueurs and Resulting Regrets (Two-Fisted Enthusiasm), Endless Elder Archons, Blowing Hobos, Fetish-Inclusive Boner Chat, The Menstrual Hut, Rastafarians And Naughty Dogs, Fretless Bass Corrections Officers, The Thing That Happened At Sketchfest, A Vicious Bicycle From Minnesota, The Return of The Thing About The Dog And The Peanut Butter, Investing Time And Money In Specifically Non-Marketable Entertainment Ventures, The Radley Metzger Story (A Full-On Beej), MESSAGETRIBES!, The Smell of the Rag That The Uncle Used, A Small World, A Big Mistake, Yelling Things On Public Transportation, Getting Drunk At A Wedding And Misplacing Your Child, The Return of Borscht Belt Comedy, Pornography And Telephones, Totebaggin', Lord Iffybottom And The Bawdy Tale of The Naked Chicken Chalupa, Jerkin' It To 'Barry Lyndon', Huggalos, Feeding The Sea Monkeys, A Little Horse, Why There Aren't Any Asian People In The Bay Area, Dad Sex, Unintentional Fatherly Advice, and, as always, the DMD Bump. We're tired of doing this! Music: Pavor, "Corpses" Chaki, "Tired of Sex"

Join the Dads as they celebrate their quarter-century episode deep in the dank dungeons of Earhammer Studios, with none other than its proprietor and sole beneficiary Greg Wilkinson (Brainoil, DeathgraVe). Things get weird fast and everyone involved becomes very uncomfortable. Will the Dads get out alive?!  Also discussed: Unexplained Swelling, The Removal of Testament-Related Memories, Oxiplegatz Chatz, Two Thirty-Gallon Trashcans Full of Empty Olympias (Courtesy of Schlong), Spiking Our Downloads By Just Dying, Nasty Sax, A Klean Kanteen Full of Urine, The Unhinged Guy From Pavor/Bethlehem, Graves At Seaside, Podcast of the Year Material, Skydiving Without A Parachute, A Totally Forgettable Recording Experience, Pig Champion On A Diet, Sacramento Jack Lemmon, The Italian Word For "Viagra", Please, My Father Was Mr. Brainoil, Grampas of Sludge, Party Fouls, Thomas Hatin' Church, Evanescencey Lady-Singing, Cambodian Food, Just "Pibb", Kids These Days And Their "Internet Memes", Chad Gailey's Green Card, Day of the Dad, Awesome Lawnmowers, The Other Deicide, Emailing From Five Feet Away, Origins of the Dickhammer, Camping With Fern, Too Extreme! vs Extreme 2, Lobotomized, Phlebotomized, Band Tinder, Fretless Bass, A Zornesque Element, You're Invited! (In Spirit), "I'll Suck Your Dick For An Old Tin Can", by Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty, Scene Luminaries, What You Can And Can't Be Proud Of, Showin' Some Ankle, Exit The Void, Closing Lots of Pornhub Tabs, Goatcunt, Terms of Endearment, Those Knuckleheads in Congress, Part 7, Diminutive Skinsman Ira Harris, Tone Boners, Alternative Rock And The Alt-Right, An Elvis Impersonator That Pisses On You, Sex Solicitation, Don't Be A Possum, You CAN Be Replaced, Listener Emails, The DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly/Gregerly Advice. It's a solid B minus! Music: Seance, "Who Will Not Be Dead" DeathgraVe, "Seeping Through The Shoebox" The Dads will be performing LIVE as part of the annual Illogical Contraption Halloween Special Wednesday, November 1st at the Punchline in San Francisco!   (PS: Debra Winger Dies At The End.)

In today’s salacious and enthralling installment, the Dads are joined by ultra-homie Pranjal Tiwari (Cardinal Wyrm) for a jocular journey full of tantalizing tales, disingenuous diatribes, and superlative stories. It’s a outre odyssey of  prolific proportions! Also contained herein: Brazilian Fart Girls vs Cakefarts, How To Say “Sepultura”, Altar de Faygo, Don’t Be Sad About Celtic Frost, Riot Porn vs Poverty Porn vs Siqq Riff Porn, A Special Message For People Without Eyes, Aesop’s YouTube Hacks, The (Pod)Casting Couch, A Celebration of Our 100th Episode, Out of Dads, Cleaning Up The Dismembered Pig Fetus, The Clawfinger Problem, Polish Metal Beef, A Long Meandering Story About Cunty Dudes Who Don’t Understand How Money Works, Os Mutantes and Stan Getz and Brazil Nuts and Terry Gilliam’s ‘Brazil’, A Shout Out To The Pubes On The Back of ‘Cold Lake’, Supporting A Family By Touring With A Mediocre Death Metal Band, Don’t Call That Mexican A Mexican, “Troops of Doom”: The “Freebird” of Metal, Every Band In China Is A Children of Bodom Cover Band, Cherry Orchard Chat, The Good Ol’ Days of Colonialism, That Time On July 1, 1997, When Hong Kong Became ‘The Purge’ For Half An Hour, Tom Hanks Movies About Dudes With AIDS, Taking The Kids To See ‘A Serbian Film’, Elven Aerosmith: Dreams vs Reality, That Old Hobbit Who Does Sound at The Dive Bar in Vegas, Bro-piercer, Alien Fresh Jerky, Weird Al’s Underground Record Label, This Whole Nuclear Holocaust Thing, “The Vasectomy Didn’t Work”, The Panda Express Located In Shelby’s Back Yard, At The Gates: Corporate McDonald’s-Sponsored Eyeliner Mallcore Crap, The Solar-Powered Flashlight, These Colors Don’t Run, A Whole House Full of DMD Money, Puppy Diarrhea, A Guy In A Banana Suit In The Pit, Six People Paid At The Door, Bay Area Quasi-Nazi Metal Legends Blitzenhammer AKA SS Dagger, The DMD Bump, and of course Fatherly Advice. This one is a solid ground-rule double! Music: Sepultura, “Propaganda” Cardinal Wyrm, “Dreams of Teeth”

Shelby and Aesop are back on the couch with Episode 23 (NOT 24), a philosophical exploration of all things political, gastrointestinal, musical, nautical, nonsensical, and psychedelic. Is it worth your time? There's only one way to find out... "Sextons of the churchyard Have seen unblessed things; Ground no longer hallowed Has sprouted new graves. Descendants of clan That unsurped maternity hear whispers in their blood; This summons of the Fathers. Adherence to the principle Of 'man by woman born'... Anachronistic ritual Soon to be obsolete. 'Forgive me Father For I know not what I do; My grave beckons As irresistable as drawing breath.'" - Lord Worm "Bleh" - also Lord Worm Music: Cryptopsy, "Graves of the Fathers" Night Sun, "Got A Bone of My Own"

I'm fucking tired of doing these write-ups. It's late and I have to work in the morning. We talk about Mortician in this one and then get all bummed. Listen to it, or don't. We don't fucking care. Cheers. Music: Mortician: "Chainsaw Dismemberment" Thrones: "Obolus"

The Dads are barely holding it together, and enter a marriage-counseling office in Jingletown, USA, to see if they can miraculously salvage their podcast. Assisting them is engineer, dad, and founding member of Weezer Jason Cropper, whose indispensable advice and knowledge just might heal Death Metal Dads. Can the show be saved?! Also on the menu: Fusion Confusion, Rockabillypocalypse, Legal Weed in Mayberry, Tissue Issues, Hobo Hand-Me-Downs, Hakuna Matata vs Napalm Death, Philosophical Explanations of Mr. Ed and Gilligan’s Island, The Power Station (Sex Club), The Power Station (Concert Venue), Cleaning Up After Dogstar, Not Playing Metal: The Path To Success, A Re-Visiting of The Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur Joke, Not Even “Milton Berle Good”, Just Eat Bugs Like In The Lion King, George Glass, Shitler’s List, A Friendly Conversation Between Friends, His Wife’s Magic Pussy, Crimpshrine Chat, Mendocino County Reggae Bands of the Late 80s and Early 90s, Schwarzenegger Soundboards and How They Are Used, Kurzweil, Jung, Freud, and Francis The Talking Mule, Blastbeats, French-Cambodian Cuisine, Getting Pitted, Funktown Graffiti and How Aesop Names Neighborhoods, Psychedelic Warriors, The ‘Judgement Night’ Soundtrack, The Colors of Weezer, Progressive Shred, Chris Cornell’s Starbucks Order, Fuzz, Gazzari’s, TV’s ‘Beauty And The Beast’ Starring Ron Perlman, Anti-Semitism, Unrepentant Potheads, I Can’t Drive 25, Head Injuries, Fatherly Advice, and a very dead-people themed DMD Bump. Get trippy! Music: Napalm Death, “Suffer The Children” Piero Umiliani, “Magical Children”

It's our very last episode. RIPDMD. Music: Merciless, "Souls of the Dead" Dust, "Thusly Spoken"

In this very very special non-denominational Mother's Day episode, the Dads take a knee with Shelby's ACTUAL mom, Jeri, in an attempt to explain just exactly HOW he got to be so awesome. Myths are dispelled, legends crumble, and also they spend about 20 minutes straight talking about diaper-shitting. I dunno. Also jabbered upon: Humboldt County Stereotypes Reinforced, Typical Deer-Repellant Salesman Maneuvers, Naming Children Sucks (Arguments For Abstinence), Cocaine Christmas With Mom, Further Complaints About Insertion, Virtual Reality Wookiee Grandpa, From Toilet To Toothbrush, Nazi Car: The Movie, Elaboration Collaboration, The Most Beautiful Taco Bell In The World, Post-Traumatic Cruiser, A Head-On Collision With The Fudge Truck, Dead Dad Revenge Selfies (Wacky Hat Edition), Those Knuckleheads In Congress: Part 2, A Paragon of Wholesomeness, Bootleg Fugazi Shirts, Fecal Chloroforms, Pants-Peeing, The Importance of Sucking First, Remembering L'Trimm, No Butt Stuff, Shitty Tipper Gore, Aesop: The College Years, Just Throw Away Your Clothes At That Point, A Good But Not Great Taco Salad, C+ Pizza Puns, BE PROUD, 12-Year-Old Shelby Kills The Record Industry, Bird Face, A Pumpkin With A 5 O'Clock Shadow, Raising A Candy-Ass, Getting Laid At Auschwitz, A Flashback To A Summer Romance Circa 1972 And The Death Metal Albums That Were Popular That Year, Garth Brooks Chat, Gay George Strait, One Listener Email, New Submission Rules, Ye Olde DMD Bump, and of course, Fatherly Advice. Happy People's Day To All! Music: Monstrosity, “Imperial Doom” Eddie Noack, “Psycho”

The Dads sit down with a young person (Mr. Ezra Lux) for a spirited discussion on shit films, shit music, shit culture, and shit people. It's super shitty. And yet there's so much more! Also discussed herein: Jerking Off In The Cops' Waffles, The Shortest Elk, What Color Are A Deer's Antlers?, Willing To Kill For A Tank of Slurpee, Bowing Down To The Tin Lords, 14 Cobb Salads and 88 Pastrami Reubens, Questionable Banter About Sand People, Store-Brand Metamucil Chat, I Hate Necks, The Phantom Menace: Greatest Film of All Time, Beasts of The Southern Wild V: Beasts of The Southern Wild In Space, Working Out At The James, Giving Out Hand Williams, and Hanging Out With Richard Bags, Oakland Mussolini, Folk Music Fathers, Stipulations of Shelby's Parole, Karl Sanders: Chicken Entrepeneur, 4 Minutes of Frank Mullen Breathing, "Rock You Like A Hurricane (Get Over Here!)" by Scorpion, Dead Horse Meets Stick, Patricide Tips, Reviewing Metal Albums via Cheese Puns, The Greasy, Mayonnaise-Covered Hands of America's Youth, Eyebrows Podcasts, Cat-Fucking, Sandwich Economics, Visit Scenic Utah!, The DMD Bump, and of course, Fatherly Advice. It's an all-time slammer-jammer! Music: Nile, "Barra Edinazzu" Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Someday never Comes" Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

Aesop and Shelby return from a month off, re-invigorated and better than ever, with this sweeping ode to the mighty time-traveling, synthesizer-tickling entity known as NOCTURNUS. It's a dark and treacherous voyage, fraught with thrills, chills... and KILLS! Discussed herein: Those Knuckleheads In Congress, Matthew Barney Greenway The Big Purple Dinosaur, "-ER Bands", Hot Dutch Teens, Night Ribs (A BBQ Sauce Mystery), A Message To Our Fans, Weird Dumplings, Calzone Killzone, A Travel Pussy Purchased In A German Gas Station, Brooms 'N Rashes, Dutch Kiddie Porn, Bucharest's Onion District, Mom Chat, IRL Emails & Pedal Punishment, Family Shitting Time, Half Our Age But Twice As Good, The Reverse Dekker vs. The Double Deuce, Extremity News, A Lederhosen-Clad Toddler, The Inspection Shelf, Sub-Genres, Hoagie-Genres, Grinder-Genres, Nazi Dads Bonding Over Pepe Memes, Death To False Pizza, Flagrant Use of Keyboards, ENTER THE DROIDS!, Slamming The Old Lady's Ham, More Questions About Sweatpants, K-Swiss: The Best Fucking Shoe, Yonkers Death vs. The World, Real Neat Songs, Requiem For The Naked Chicken Chalupa, Censoring Justin Ennis, Sandal Chat, Kevin Smith's Canklejorts, Unfrozen Caveman Hesher, A Wooden Bowl With Every Kind of Animal In It, as well as everyone's favorite segments: Dad Sex, Fatherly Advice, Listener Emails, and the good ol' DMD Bump!   Music: Nocturnus, "Droid Sector" Parliament, "Oh Lord, Why Lord/Prayer" THE DEATH METAL DADS WILL BE PERFORMING LIVE WITH TALKIES AT THE LOST CHURCH IN SAN FRANCISCO THIS FRIDAY, APRIL 7 AT 10PM!

We're one bullet away from a gay President. And that's pretty cool.   1,000 listener emails, Dad Sex, Fatherly Advice, The DMD Bump, live audio from the Dads' appearance at SF Sketchfest 2017, and a bonus Death Metal Drive Thru courtesy of Chase from Gatecreeper. Music: Dead Congregation, "Martyrdoom/Hostis Humani Generis", "Subjugation" Blood, Sweat and Tears, "And When I Die" Live video of DMD at Sketchfest posted at deathmetaldads.com Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

Join the Dads and their very special guest Dave Adelson (20 Buck Spin) for a mind-blowing journey into the heart of darkness, the soul of silliness, the mouth of madness, and the butt of jokes.  Discussed herein: The Mistake By The Lake, Part 2, The Harrowing Tale of the 15-Inch Burrito, Shelby Does Not Know The Guest's Name, Contra Costa County's Rich Metal History, What Max Bowman Smells Like, More Talk About The Steve DiGiorgio Statue, Fundamental Misunderstandings About Distance And Time, Sports Bars, Face-Punching, Bike Rides, Aesop's Mouth Gets A Timeout, A Trip To Applebee's, An Unpleasant Hill, HM-2 Pedals, Pinning The Sadness-ometer, Sour Cream Stains, The Hellwitch House, A Chance For Shelby To Perform His Infamous Jello Biafra Impersonation, A Gratuitous Mention of Broken Hope, Playing On Demos That Don't Exist, Driving Angry, A Shout Out To Mortiis, Cancer THE BAND, Climorta Skuld, Wild Rags Chat, Dudes That Kill Their Moms, Lack of Research, The Guitarist From Pearl Jam's Uli Jon Roth Cover Band, Collecting Paul Lynde Memorabilia, Necropolis Records and Condiments and The Loo, Fake-Tittied Nuns, The DMD Bump, and, of course, Fatherly Advice. This one REALLY doesn't suck very bad! Music: Entombed, "Abnormally Deceased" Queen, "All Dead, All Dead"

In 2017's very first episode of DMD, Aesop and Shelby ride a veritable carousel of questionable and low-brow topics, in a laudable (no wait, AUDIBLE) effort to make sense of the cruel and death-filled month that was December 2016. It's a colon-cleansing romp of epic proportions! Discussed herein: Truth and Freedom in Podcasting, Facefucked By Mr. Belding, All He Wanted Was A Chocolate Milk, Hate Mail From John Hand, Brett Hoffmann's Feelings About The Broward County Jail, A Fecal "Irish Goodbye", Carrie Fisher Chat, The Cut of George Michael's Jib, Dan Blocker From Television's 'Bonanza', The Dune Holiday Special, Cynthia Rothrock You Like A Hurricane (Of Martial Arts and Mom Jeans), The Anal-conda, Chris Hansen: TV's #1 Cock-Blocker, Sweatpants Chat, Aesop's Abortion, Shelby's Speed-Pill Addiction, A Gyroscopic Thing Flying Into A Butthole In Space, Jeff Goldblum's Cock, Suspicions About Rototomas' Sobriety, Spermicidal Tendencies, Chugging NyQuil, Assholes From Modesto, Nuclear War Later!, The Finished-Upon Obituary Hat, Psyllium Husk Pro Tips, Rum-Chata, Cleveland: The Mistake By The Lake, Empty Nest, Dear John, and Other Sad 90's TV Shows, Bus Boners, Extremely Liberal Use of the Word "Faggot", The Strange and Public Termination of Gus Rios, The DMD Bump, Fatherly Advice, and a heaping portion of unsolicited "bonus material". It sucks, but you'll learn to like it. Don't take it personal. Music: Malevolent Creation, "Multiple Stab Wounds" Q Lazzarus, "Goodbye Horses" Contact us: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

Welcome to Episode 2 of Death Metal Dads: DAD BY DAWN! In this chapter, the beautiful and talented Mike Scheidt (Yob, Vhol) joins Shelby and Aesop LIVE at the Phallus Palace to discuss various and sundry topics, including (but not limited to): Openly Weeping Over Star Trek TNG, A Table For One At Denny's And The Resulting Food Sadness, Train Sounds, Penis Metal, Sharkfuckin'/Fast As A Shark (Depending On The Specific Shark And Type of Transportation Involved), Wesley Grindcrusher, Elephant Walrus Mating Season, More Train Sounds, Glen Benton Shampooing His Hair In The Ladies' Room, Steve Asheim's Insurance Seminar/Doing Donuts In A Hummer In The Parking Lot Behind The Venue, A Goat Semen Shirt at The PTA Meeting, Captain Picard's Pennywhistle, Four Frowny Bald Tough Dudes And A Jazz Dad, JESUS even MORE Train Sounds?, Visigoth Baking Hudson's Melon, Aesop Having Sex With A Horribly Disfigured Freak, Mike Getting Dimebagged, Deicide Mondegreens, The Cocoa-Demon, Fucking Your Friends' Moms, Fish Nipples, and of course, everyone's favorite segment Fatherly Advice. Followed by more Train Sounds. Music: Deicide, "Dead By Dawn" Vhol, "The Desolate Damned" Contact: illogicalcontraption   (Re-issued Dec 2016 to DMD Libsyn feed)

Pour yourself a nog and stuff those stockings--it's a brand new top-secret Holiday episode of DMD featuring Jackie Perez-Gratz (Giant Squid, Grayceon, Amber Asylum) and Aaron John Gregory (Giant Squid, Khorada, Squalus)! It's a wacky, family-friendly thrill ride, with lots of silly chat about topics such as: Abortion, Intra-uterine Cannibalism, Child Murder, Nazis, Terrorism, Large Men Having Sex In Small Toyota Paseos, Prehistoric Sharks, Jimmy Buffett Metal, Laundry Day Metal, Cocaine, Winters Tavern, Midriff-Baring Shirts, Really Short Jogging Shorts, Green Jelly, Jello Biafra, Cello Biafra, Green Cello, Izzy Stradling, Yanni DiFranco, Sensible Footwear, Dental Hygiene, Impolite Off-Mic Chatter From Both Ezra The Producer And Pepper The Infant, Listener Emails, Dad Sex, The DMD Bump, and of course, everyone's favorite segment, Fatherly/Motherly Advice. Have a listen, won't you? Music: Atheist, "Mother Man" Giant Squid, "Neonate" Contactthe Dads: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

It’s the much anticipated debut of Illogical Contraption’s newest unneccesary spinoff, DEATH METAL DADS! In this pilot episode, your intrepid hosts Shelby and Aesop discuss Dadness, Sadness, Madness, Death Metal addiction, Valentine’s Day, Natural Purple Watermelon Flavor, Morbid Angel, and Floridian Rednecks, all the while floating on a bromantic cloud of Lick Me All Over incense.   Don’t take the brown acid! Music: Morbid Angel, "Lord of All Fevers and Plagues" Queen, "Father To Son"   (Re-issued Nov 2016 to DMD Libsyn feed)

Rejoice! Shelby is back from tour and Aesop is willing to take a break from posting pictures of records on Instagram for just long enough to record another (guestless) episode of DMD! Shit gets hairy in this one, so strap in for a thrill ride of epic proportions... Discussed herein: Sex Bigots, Grabbin' Pussies To W.A.S.P., Manowar Chat, Aesop Flaking on Work, A Follow-Up Email From "Porky Pig" re: List-Metal, Alcest vs. Incest, Mortiishead, "You Were Conceived To 'The Bleeding', Son", A Discussion Regarding DMD Signature Headwear, Goat Semen: Literally The Siqqest Shirt Ever, The Karl Sanders Story, Hand Relief, 3 Hours of Demilich Chat Lost To The Ages, Harri From Hooded Menace: Body Count Superfan, The ACTUAL String Cheese Incident, Shelby: A Compass That Always Points Toward Panic! At The Disco, Are You Pro- or Antti-Boman?, Bricks, Minifigs, And The Portland of Things, Shelby Using The Word "Tertiary" Correctly, 500 Bucks at BevMo, A Weird Meth-y Logger, Glen Benton: The Dayton, Ohio of People, Strong Politics, Spicy Opinions, Shitloads of Dad Sex & Listener Emails, plus, as always, The DMD Bump and Fatherly Advice. Also included: Live audio from the Dads' appearance at the Punchline in SF as part of the Illogical Contraption Satanic Black Metal Halloween Ritual! It's a solid-ass episode from start... To FINNISH! Music: Demilich, "The Cry" Roky Erickson, "White Faces"

In October's delightful and extra MEATY episode, the Dads are joined by fellow father and rock vocalist Shane Baker (Alaric, Eerie, Pins of Light, Dead And Gone) for a lengthy and informative discussion about Bolt Thrower, dolmas, television, dumb kids, and the Billy Joel hit "We Didn't Start The Fire". But there's so much more! Also discussed herein: The Strip Club At The Edge of Town, Not Exactly Fucking, Van Hayward, Matt Shapiro's Dick, Family Nudity, "Conceptually Awesome" Bands, Taliban vs Mall Cop, Transmissions From Planet Parmesan, Turkey Tetrazzini, Ambrosia Salad, Cool-Ass Space Orcs, Greek Sushi, 14 Years In 14 Minutes, Hitler And Aliens, Roger The Piano Man, The Ominous Scent of Ben Gay And Metamucil, Gallagher AD, The George Costanza of Death Metal Dads, Jews on TV, Who Would Win?, Danish Vocalist Florandia Suppenhausen, Long-Box CDs, Color Me Dadd, Cassingle Listenin', Another Bad Malevolent Kreayshawn, A Live Commentary On A Live Commentary, "Local" Bands, List Rock vs Indian Rock, Karl Sanders Checking His AOL Account Onstage, Dollar Store Cannibal Corpse, French Poetry And Rim Jobs, That Dog Is Sick of Peanut Butter!, Getting Advice From Pizza Boxes And Snapple Caps, Hashtag Hashbrowns, Imps of the Perverse: The Tell-Tale Subway Sandwich, Doctor Who Cares?, Cumming In Public: Morality vs Law, Ghost Dad 2: Son of Ghost Dad, Cowboy vs RoboCop vs Bag of Tube socks, The DMD Bump, Fatherly Advice, and A Complete Lack of Dad Sex. It's a real barn-burner, this one. So kick back, relax, and don't worry about catching that bus. There's always another one. Music: Bolt Thrower, "Unleashed... Upon Mankind" Alaric, "Demon" Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com Editor's note: The cigarrette guy from Star Wars' name is Elan Sleazebaggano. No, seriously.

In today's raunchy and scandalous episode, Jason Walton (Agalloch, Especially Likely Sloth, Celestial, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Self-Spiller, etc) divulges sordid details about Aesop's past, gets candid about raising weird daughters, and slings insults at Shelby as if they'd met before or something. It's fucked up! If you like to relax during entertainment, spoilers for you as follows: The O.F.P., Jeff Walker's Cowboy Hat, Professor Harry And The DMD Signature Fuckstyle, How To Build A Wooden Toilet, Deeply Moved By The Events of 9/11, Of Mirrors And Distressed Manatees, Fog Machines And The Resulting Digestional Tract Issues (Can You Sign This?), All Aboard America (Another Train Gang Bang), Making Out With One-Armed Mary, Happy Birthday Calvyn (Here's Your Invoice!), "Goodbye You Old Stinky Asshole!", How Hickey Killed Tupac, Buckets, Tarps, and Bodily Fluids, Glen Benton: DMD Arch-Nemesis, Bill Steer's Guide To Gentle Lovemaking, Weird Old Grind Dudes, The Thing About The Rest Stop, What The Fuck Is That Guy Running From?, What Aesop Does Like A Sailor, #SceneBeef,  Confusion About Corys, Pitching vs Catching in the Heavy Metal Gay World, Canadian Angel Dust, Feeding The Baby feat. Mystifier, Idyllic Punk Bass Player Parenting, Gross Coffee Noises feat. A Gross Burp, Roommates Showing Up Early, Slovenian Bullshit, False Leg Cramps, Involuntary Abstinence, Fake Ejaculate Mustard, Killing Your Sex Partner feat. A Sick Eyepatch, Siqq Salt Lake City Shows, What's Your Point?, and Swiss Racial Tension! All this plus The DMD Bump, Fatherly Advice, Dad Sex, Listener Emails, Hotel Keys, High Life, and Laffs Galore! Tune in numbnuts, you're gonna die soon! Music: Carcass, "Lavaging Expectorate Of Lysergide Composition" Jeff Walker Und Die Fluffers, "End of The World" email us for bad sex advice: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

In the first of two enlightening episodes for the month of September, an Aesop-less Shelby is joined on the sunny patio of a Montreal AirBnB by college professor, metalhead, father of two, and creator of Grimposium Vivek Vankatesh. Also featuring surprise cameos by Dan Butler (Vastum, Acephalix), Pranjal Tiwari (Cardinal Wyrm), and British Dave (Football Madness), this discussion goes deep on academia, philosophy, fatherhood, and the mystical origins and culture of extreme music. Valid and pertinent pontifications as follows: The Mutual Washing of Balls and Resulting Scrotal Cleanliness, How Did You Do That?, Incessant Beeping and The Passing of Fire Trucks, Maya Vs. Mastadon, Stoked Mallcore Kids, Partying With Sebastian Bach, Free Massages In The Artist Village, A Casual Plate of Food, Heavy Times at Katacombes Montreal, Uroboric Musings on Academia and The Mind/Body Horror Binary, Screaming In Your Daughter's Ear, A Complete Lack of Usual Segments, Luc LeMay and The Hidden History of The Human Race, Gettin' Pleiades Dusted Off Some "Colored Sands", Inquisition's Border-Crossing Issues and How They Benefitted Vastum, A Checkered Past, An Apartment Full of Drowsy Metalheads, Particularly Evocative Emotions, Don't Worry: Dan's Not Drunk, Strangling People With A Mic Cable, Cardinal Wyrm Chanting To The Empty Heavens, Neckbeard Technocracy, "Fucked With A Knife" As An Antidote To Dread and Depression, More Beeping, A Visit From The Landlord, Chatty Neighbors, and Lots of Weird Dude Energy. THIS 1 IS FOR SMART PPL ONLY! IF YOU ARE A FALSE DO NOT ENTRY! Music: Gorguts, "Considered Dead" Vastum, "Amniosis" Check out Vivek's endeavors at Grimposium.com.

The Dads have given up. It's over. In the laziest, most apathetic podcasting maneuver since the dawn of time, Shelby and Aesop hand the mics over to their kids--Calvyn (age 18) and Ezra (age 15) to do the show for them. Is it the best Death Metal Dads ever? The worst? THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT! Music: Nitro, "Freight Train" Foreigner, "Juke Box Hero"

In today's enlightening installment, the Dads are guestless and return to The Dad Pad to gather their thoughts, drown their sorrows, and really get back to what's important--Mike Smith from Suffocation's rap career. But that's not all! Despite shitty audio and malfunctioning recording devices, they dive into a deep, tepid pool of subjects, including but not limited to: Suspicious Discharge, An Awkward Engagement In A Rest Stop Bathroom, A Corn-Studded Fuckturd, The Smart & Final Solution, Musings on The Back Cover of "Effigy of the Forgotten", Donald Duckin' vs. Porky Piggin', Clip Shows, Blooper Reels, Double-Donging, Tony Molina's New Gravity BlastCast, The Ballad of Dwayne and Rusty and The One-Armed Shotgun Dad, A Semi-Efficient Killing Machine (At Best), A Sex Query From Jaleel White, "Hey, Are You Guys In A Family?", A Brief History of Toilet Vocals, One Cock-Sweater With Reindeer On It: Size Small, Father/Son Bonding at the Suffocation Show, The All-New Death Metal Dads Fuck Apron With A Dickhole In It From Hide The Bodies Press, Haitian Winston and the Pizza Hut Vagina, East Oakland's Zombie Chicken Outbreak, Aesop Ate Brad, Post-Abortion Breakfasts, Frank Mullen: Patron Saint of Death Metal Dads, Good Ol' Fatherly Advice, PLUS Listener Emails, TWO New Segments (Dad Sex Vol. 1 AND The DMD Bump: Ball-Washing Edition) AND A Bonus Dad-Fuckin' Story! HOLY CRAP WHAT A PODCAST! Music: Suffocation, "Breeding The Spawn"Inculcator, " Stygian Expanse (Malus Peior Malum) (Also featuring special appearances by Erika Osterhout, Marissa Martinez-Hoadley, and Brian Hoadley as The People Laughing at Aesop In The Hallway) (Local underwriting by The 3 Rings Liquor Foundation)

  Welcome to Episode 6, recorded live in a boiling-hot practice space on the third floor of the Oakland Music Complex! In today's auditory adventure, the Dads are joined by Eric Cutler (Autopsy, Necrosic) to expound upon an array of inane and beer-soaked subjects, surrounded by vintage smut and Star Wars memorabilia.  Topics discussed herein: Man Kegels, A Lack of Electricity & Apologies For Slapping, 16 Years on the Couch Drinking Beer, The Ken Burnses of Death Metal Podcasting, Antioch's Sadus Statue, A Change.org Petition For More Guitar In The Monitors, You Have Bad Taste In Things, Fun With Shitfun!, Unholy Blackened Death Thrash Farmer Grampa, Solicitations For Dad Sex, A Lot of Talk About Quilts, Alienating Autopsy, More Shit-Talking on Glen Benton, A Hole In The Cyclone Fence That You Climb Through To Smoke Weed With Chuck Schuldiner, Don't Talk Between Songs, THE DMD BUMP, Inquisition Wants You To Drive Safe, An Apology To Mom, Aesop On Shelby's Shoulders Wearing A Long Trench Coat Posing For A Picture With Dan Lilker, 105 Degrees in the Museum of Porn, Proud Father of a Rototom-Playing Son, A Letter To Aerosmith: The Whitford/Hamilton Affair, Sizzler Is The Sweatpants of Restaurants, and of course, everyone's favorite segment, Fatherly Advice. It's a good one. Tune in!  Music: Autopsy, "In The Grip of Winter" Necrosic, "Squirming In Your Guts" Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com

SPECIAL BONUS MOTHER'S DAY SURPRISE EPISODE!   In what will surely be remembered as DMD's most GRIM and NEKRO installment (read as: shitty-sounding), the Dads enter an ACTUAL TOMB in the Mountain View Cemetery sans microphones or electricity to sit down with their first Metal Mom, Chiyo Nukaga (Noothgrush). Topics pontificated upon as listed (but not limited to): Yokohama-klahoma, If You Wanna Get Away From A Ghost Go Into The Woods, An Asshole Full of Gin, Punched By A Rabbi, Wind Noises, Parole Violations, Underwear Punx: What We Do Is (Victoria's) Secret, Disco Doom, Bad Reverb, Craig Pillard: Garbage Man/Garbage Person, Google Ghosts, Chuck E. Cheese Is Thunderdome, Dubstep Dads, Why The Oakland Raiders Travel In Single File, The Purple Pie Man: Scented Pedophile, Less Pissy Fabric, There's A Noothgrush On My Toothbrush, Narnia Meth, More Bad Reverb, Not Getting High With Dino From Dystopia, Casting Off Your Leg Prisons, Dionne Warwick's Inability To Locate San Jose, World Jewry/Rural Jewelry, and of course everyone's favorite bummer, Fatherly Advice. Join us.   Music: Incantation, "Unholy Massacre" Noothgrush "Alderaan"   PRODUCTION NOTE: AFTER THE RECORDING OF THIS EPISODE, THE DADS LEARNED THAT THE TOMB THEY RECORDED IN WAS DESECRATED IN 1988, AND THAT THE HEADS OF TWO BODIES THEREIN WERE REMOVED. THIS IS THE REASON FOR THE TOMB'S VACANCY AND LACK OF NAME.

LIVE FROM EAST PALO ALTO, IT'S DMD EPISODE 4: DADAKLYSM! On today's episode, the Dads are joined by author/singer/martial artist and all-around badass Eugene Robinson (Oxbow, Bunuel, The Sal Mineo Project, etc etc), to pet dogs, pet cats, and awkwardly avoid being brutally assaulted for 65 minutes. They talk about stuff. Such as: Fighting Dudes In Basements For Fun And Profit, A Surprise Cameo By Deaf Cat, A Lot of Unexplained Grunting And Panting, You Can't Un-Fuck A Vagina, NO DEALS AT THE MERCH TABLE, Eyeball Slicing, Getting Naked Onstage And How It Effects Your Children, Popeye: A Really Good Dog, Steve From Harvey Milk Makes Mean Eggs, The Yanni/Raffi Connection, When Your "Fun Orgy" Turns Into A "Bummer Gangbang": A Cautionary Tale, Someone Pack Bob Uecker In Bubble Wrap!, Leonard Part 6 Chat, Some Playful Eye-Gouging And The Casual Ripping off of Dicks, Kataklysm: Not Really Worth Talking About, and of course, a nice solid chunk of Fatherly Advice. Join us or die. Music: Kataklysm, "The Orb of Uncreation" Oxbow, Daughter" Contact: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com  

Dad-Chat HEATS UP in Episode 3: STARING THROUGH THE EYES OF THE DAD!   In this month's installment, Aesop and Shelby are joined by their bestest pal and bandmate Marissa Martinez-Hoadley (Cretin, Repulsion) to make an attempt at not talking about dicks for 90 minutes. Topics include (but are not limited to): A Brief Celebration of the 100th Anniversary of The Elephant Pajama Joke, Psyllium Husk: Dietary Supplement or Prog Band?, Thawing Out The Blue Grape Neanderthal, How We're All Slowly Dying, Metamucinex/Stool-Aid/Shit Knit (Poop Tips with Grampa Dekker), Steve Vai-able Guitarists, Poseballs and How They Apply To Online Fuckstyles, Rihanna Chat, Scissoring Over Star Trek: TNG, The Guy From Obituary's Meth Lab, Brian Playing Frogger, Aesop's Staunch Anti-Immigrant Stance, DADS DON'T GRAVITY BLAST, A 4-Person Mosh Pit In a Fancy Penthouse Apartment, Nuclear Centaur Cock, Fucked With A Porsche, A Garfield Greeting Card Containing an Applebee's Gift Certificate and a Message Reading: "Hey Mom, I'm Transgendered!", Losing A Dick In First Life Whilst Gaining One In Second Life, I Cum Syrup/Waffle House Menu Items That Sound Like Cannibal Corpse Songs, Brony674 Calling QA To Get His Penis Fixed, and of course, everyone's favorite segment Fatherly Advice (featuring "It's A Boy! Or Is It?/Fuck It To Death"). All this and SO MUCH MORE. Wowie zowie what a program!!!   Spoiler: They talk about dicks. A lot.   Music:  Cannibal Corpse, "Staring Through The Eyes of the Dead" Cretin, "How To Wreck Your Life In Three Days"   Your mother and I are worried about you: illogicalcontraption@yahoo.com