Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

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Square Roots is like a book club, but for classic RPGs! Each episode John, Matthew, Jim and Vanessa play through a chunkerino of one of your favorite RPGs, from Final Fantasy through Chrono Trigger. Are they experts? No. Are they qualified? Absolutely not. Are they good at RPGs? Probably not. But t…

John Brandon, Jim Banks, Matthew Van Zandt, Vanessa


    • Jan 10, 2022 LATEST EPISODE
    • weekly NEW EPISODES
    • 1h 37m AVG DURATION
    • 331 EPISODES

    Listeners of Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast that love the show mention: chrono trigger, final fantasy, boner jokes, fable, ix, rpg fans, mana, fresh eyes, rpgs, square, favorite games, vanessa, wheel of time, playing along, play along, play games, rpg podcast, roots, matthew, julian.



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    Latest episodes from Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

    Dragon Age II - AKA Ted Donker

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 10, 2022 117:26

    Everyone is here for the start of Dragon Age II, a game that is still widely available to play but figuring out how to get the DLC to work takes some doing. Still, has BioWare's divisive installment of Dragon Age improved with time? Or are its limits still as frustrating as ever? Who is Ted Donker? Find out the answers to these and much more on this week's Square Roots! Also:  - Maybe Too Much Hot Gaming News? - No One Knows What Ever Crisis Is - I'm Here To Kill Chaos - We Just Rag On Neelix For Like Ten Minutes - Adam Scott Chat - An Embarassment Of Floppy Haired Woobies For Vanessa This Week: We recruit all five extra party members in Dragon Age II! Except Isabella! Next Week: We complete the Deep Roads Expedition! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Square Roots New Year 2022 Extravaganza!

    Play Episode Listen Later Jan 3, 2022 49:37

    Hi! COVID wrecked our efforts to put out a Dragon Age II episode this week, but we do have a very special end of the year episode for you all to enjoy instead! This Week: We celebrate the end of 2021! Next Week: We recruit all five extra party members in Dragon Age II! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Metal Gear Solid Part 2 - GFH: Glasses Floppy Hair

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 29, 2021 95:33

    NOW WITH 90% LESS CHIPMUNK VOICES! You probably saw this one coming: it's a two hander! Johnny and Matthew dig through the second disc of Metal Gear Solid, with Johnny finding it brisk and fun and poor Matthew feeling like it takes forever. But you've got some iconic boss fights, weird jokes, and completely reconstructed cut scenes between the original PlayStation version and the GameCube Twin Snakes. Also this episode: - Muscle Milkers - Metal Gear as Metroidvania - Matthew Can't Handle The Master Miller Twist - Gemome Soldiers - Johnny Can't Stop Saying Les Enfants Terribles - Two Games In A Row With A Shirtless Wrestling Match - So Many Fake Outs - This Game Is Twins and Liquid Is the Danny DeVito This Week: We finish Metal Gear Solid! Next Week: We recruit all five extra party members in Dragon Age II! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Metal Gear Solid Part 1 - Those Legs Are Connected To A Butt

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 20, 2021 123:40

    Sure, it's not an RPG, but Konami's Metal Gear Solid IS a classic. And on this special holiday season of Square Roots we venture with Snake to Alaska, pretty close to where Santa lives. We try to make sense of the metal gear lore, talk about neuropeptides like we know what they mean, and Vanessa writes in an analysis of Meryl's big acting scene. Also this week: - Trashing the PS Classic - Twin Snakes Versus The Original - Has Kojima Ever Talked To A Woman? - Those Legs Are Connected To A Butt - "Nanomachines" - Boomer Tigersoft This Week: We finish Disc 1! Next Week: We finish Metal Gear Solid! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 8 - Noted Floppy Haired Boy Brian Doyle Murray

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 13, 2021 127:14

    For some reason Tales of Vesperia decides to squeeze about twenty hours of content into five hours of game, meaning there's a lot of reveals, narrative shifts, insane twists, and the most homoerotic wrestling match ever. But will Yuri and pals save the world? Is there really a final Necron? Who is the actual Sephiroth of the game? Also this week: - Can you vore a ghost? - Noted floppy haired boy Brian Doyle Murray - The The Doctor Is A Woman Twist - Yuri and Flynn Play Wrestle - The Insane Patty Reveal - Poople - The Last Real Boss Fight of the Game This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We blow up the Hind D in Metal Gear Solid! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 7 - Wonton Violence

    Play Episode Listen Later Dec 6, 2021 117:36

    Oops! It's all Sephiroths when we try to figure out just who will be the big bad of this chunker. Will it be the white haired Sephiroth with the magical sword? Or the other white haired Sephiroth with a magical sword? Or will it be that one guy who looks like Ginger Spice? There's some apocalyptic action as we dive through this penultimate chunker! Also this week: Johnny & Vanessa Breakout Episode: Oops All Bad Games Aloysius, Frank Miller, and Dinosaur Entelexeia Cellphone Julia Louise-Dryfus's Apartment in Troll LeTrack, Campbell Soup and Sparnod The Gender Buffet This Week: We finish Zaude! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 6 - Teen Wolfhard

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 29, 2021 125:13

    Alright, let's start off by saying I'm sorry for derailing this episode with increasingly cursed and horny acrostics. I made a mistake, and I'm sorry. Please put your little ones to bed before playing this episode. Also, things start getting dramatic on this spicy talkthrough of Namco's Tales of Vesperia. Betrayal! Twists! A bad guy is revealed! Also this week: - Estelle's Hamster Ball - Zap! It's News Time! - Cowboy Beep Boop - Hey, So What Happened Next? - There's A Bell Up On A Dais - Everyone Is Into Vincent D'onofrio! This Week: We... at least get to the Heracles, I'm not sure Next Week: We finish Zaude! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 5 - S-Step Yuri?

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 22, 2021 155:31

    Will Yuri's trail of murder ever end? With an additional body count of two it doesn't seem to be stopping. Do we like his dark turn? Will Estelle stop murdering magical creatures? Will Karol stop complaining? (Jk jk we love Karol) Find out on this big ol' episode! Also this week: - Repede is my Hat Now - Pigeon Milk - Yuri's Hate Crimes - Don Whitehorse's Failson - A Reverse Whale Argument This Week: Arrival at Phaeroh's Crag! Next Week: We finish the Heracles! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 4 - Hee Hee Hoo Haw Is German

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 15, 2021 80:01

    It's a rare Johnnyless episode as Vanessa, Jim and Matthew tackle this darker middle chapter of Tales of Vesperia. Yuri takes a dark turn, you learn even more about the guilds and the gang stars a whole new one - Brave Vesperia! Also this week: - Yet Another Ghost Ship - You Don't Marry a Magician - Punisher Yuri - Where's the Body? - KAROL SEDUCES A GUARD - Is Jim a Bootlicker? This Week: We get to the desert?! Next Week: Arrival at Phaeroh's Crag?! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 3 - Cut That

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 8, 2021 104:47

    Things happen this episode. Vast political movements. Intriegue. Subterfuge. Swapped letters. And we have a tenuous grasp of all of it as Tales of Vesperia's plot starts to really get going. I mean, we're still not even sure how to pronounce "Ragou". Also this week: - Dump Cake - Vanessa's Shocking Level Up - Too Many Sephiroths - Johnny is Distracted By A Broad Chest - No One Wants To Hold Out For A Heroic Mail Delivery This Week: Yuri flies away!? Next Week: We get to the desert?! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 2 - Yakety Sucks

    Play Episode Listen Later Nov 1, 2021 131:36

    Let's just get this out of the way: we can't sing Yakety Sax. No matter who tries, we're just terrible at it. I'm not sure why this is an important part of this episode of Square Roots or what it has to do with Namco's Tales of Vesperia, but that's just the way it is. Also this week: - Inn-teresting - Talkin' About Blastia - The automaton's giant stone wiener - A sudden Matthew appearance - That's Cumore! - More Hot Gaming News - Gene "Wonderchef" Parmesan This Week: Our boat sinks!? Next Week: Yuri flies away!? Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Tales of Vesperia Part 1 - The Jerpig Pen

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 25, 2021 99:54

    It's Halloween down at the Square Roots house, so we're playing the spooooooky classic JRPG, or Jerpig, Namco's Tales of Vesperia! It's like a cozy comfy blanket of JRPG comfort food, and we enjoy it. So when we're not debating Yuri's hair colour, we guide the party from a splurging fountain to a magical tree town that does NOT explode. Also this week: - Catchphrases - The Great Pumpkin Deposition - Less Than Jokes - The Cosmic Horror of Baby Fresh Eyes - Matthew Makes Us Feel Bad - The Hottest Gaming News This Week: We save the tree in Halure! Next Week: Our boat sinks!? Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 6 - She Sells See Shors

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 18, 2021 123:34

    This week on Square Roots we blaze through the ending of the main questline like a dragon spewing fire! So much blazing! We defeat Alduin, and then things are... happy? Maybe? Also Grunk, Rimjob and Presto get Animal House end title cards. What would Gojira's end title card be? Consumed by Alduin? Also this week: - What Happens When We Don't Heckle Jim - A Spooky Fair - Click Click Blam - Guest Host Ira Glass - Spicy Tuna Cakes - Making a Bad Dragon Mould - Drauger Karens - Hakon Sprinklerhead This Week: We finish Skyrim! Next Week: We save the tree in Halure in Tales of Vesperia! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 5 - In the Back of Jim's Dragula!

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 11, 2021 111:57

    Oh shit! Square Roots has a beach episode! But, sadly, it's the kind of beach episode where all your favourites go on vacation! That's right: you got RimJob becoming a werewolf, Presto Kazaam meets up with her past self, and Johnny becomes a real Prince of Thieves. Also this week: - Delita is a Fvckboy - Regretting Just Playing Dragonball - Vanessa Murders Her First Wife - "He IS the Daedric Prince of Madness!" - Or is he the Daedric Prince of Great Prices? - Sexy Robot Kazoo Whistles This Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest! Next Week: We finish Skyrim! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 4 - Ray Romano's In the Mouth of Madness

    Play Episode Listen Later Oct 4, 2021 124:39

    We're gonna be honest here: this is either going to be a really long chunker for you or a really short chunker depending on whether or not you choose a side or choose that delicious, delicious third option. But you wouldn't skip all these questlines that Bethesda worked so hard on, would you? Also this week: - Muscle Garfield - Alduin, World Tooter - Vanessa's Letter to Bethesda - Why Boys Not Hot? - We Are All Master Negotiators This Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending! Next Week: Our Skyrim characters go on a holiday from the main quest! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 3 - Alfland in Dwemer is Pronounced Melmac

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 27, 2021 110:17

    Oh boy! It's time for further adventures of mural exposition, with Joan Allen calling Max Von Sidow a big nerd for caring about second age tryptarchs. On this chunker of Bethesda's Skyrim we need to get our hands on one of those fancy Elder Scrolls. But how?! By talking to a sexy Orc librarian, heading down to a magical mushroom kingdom, solving a spinny puzzle, and so much more! Also this week: - Who wins in a fight, the Eternals versus the Inhumans? - Conjure Flame Astronaut - It's Your Inn Now - Dwarf Ruins CD burning - Mixing Up Forsworn and Falmers This Week: We complete Elder Knowledge! Next Week: We either pick a side or negotiate a truce in Season Unending! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Square Roots September 2021 Patreon Vote!

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 21, 2021 6:44

    Hello! We are having a vote! On our Patreon! https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Our choices: Vanessa - Deus Ex: Human Revolution (2011) Jim - Ni No Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch (2011) Johnny - Alpha Protocol (2010) Matthew - Tales of Vesperia (2008) So join our $5 tier and vote! YEAH!    

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 2 - And His Name Was Mister Slaps

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 20, 2021 147:01

    Oh boy! We're deep into the legend of the Dovahkiin in this week's chunk of Bethesda's super beloved Skyrim! On this chunker we impress Daphne / Delphine, learn to shout, and meet a couple of dragons. It's great! Also: - Don't Think About Frasier! - Mind bending 1990s music videos! - It's like a blanket party but they're yelling at you! - Let Me Be Frank: Redux - Jack... Kirby?'s... Inhumans! - In Sweden he's just called the Chef! - Facbook Made Me Say That - What If Vanessa Goes To the Magic Castle - Johnny's Great First Date Ideas This Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity! Next Week: We complete Elder Knowledge! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim Part 1 - Eleven Herbs and Spices That May Awaken Your Craving For Human Flesh Transforming You Into A Wendigo

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 13, 2021 111:25

    Since we're tackling a very non-linear open world RPG with Bethesda's Skyrim, this time we're doing things a little differently: after a main quest runthrough we each describe the adventures of our own very special characters. It's a surprisingly bug-free playthrough as we pull up in our cart to Helgen, where our executions await! Also: - The Jerky Boys Musical - The Vore Seasons - Presto Kazaam, Mind Freak - Godzilla's Bound Sword - The Friendzies Spell - Mads Mikkelson Cheekbones - Jerpigs - A Song For Straight Men This Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun! Next Week: We finish the Blades quest Diplomatic Immunity!

    Legend of Mana Part 6 - Teleport is a Kind of Go

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 6, 2021 133:52

    Teleport is a kind of go. Drive is a kind of go. Imagine? Also a kind of go! How many kinds of go can you name? In this climactic conclusion to our Legend of Mana playthrough, our hero has to go through pretty much every dungeon in the game chasing our favorite li'l cactus. Also: - A Secret Kawazu Game! - The Most Popular Toy in the World - A Bizarre Sin Stance Change - Vanessa's Nuclear Mana Tree Theory - Pelican Mouth Injuries This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We fight our first dragon outside of Whiterun! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Legend of Mana Part 5 - Butter Lisa

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 30, 2021 137:54

    We ask so many questions in this chunker of Square's Legend of Mana. Would Gilbert's lines work on a real woman? Can you cure amnesia with another concussion? Would a visual novel be better with real photos? Will the X-Files FMV game ever be re-released? Also: - Deep Insight into Diddle - Virtual Jerry Orbach - Is BDG a centaur? Is Adam Driver a monster? - Manhattan, Kansas Narrowcasting - A game that makes more dick jokes than we do? - Matt's Superman Style Story This Week: The Wimpy Thugling Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Legend of Mana Part 4 - BOYS NIGHT

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 23, 2021 122:15

    Vanessa leaves early so you night what that means: BOYS NIGHT. We're getting into the back half of Legend of Mana, and starting to wrap up some plotlines. Aren't you curious about Matilda and Irwin? Valerie and David? Also: - Johnny and the Horrible Nightmare Beach - What does Ayn Rand have to do with it? - THE BONE FORTRESS! YEEEEEAH! - Tell Me More! - What is Pig like? - Next game announced! This Week: Catchin' Lilipeas Next Week: The Wimpy Thugling Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Legend of Mana Part 3 - Family Comma Sexual

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 16, 2021 115:06

    Content Warning: Suicide We're descending into the underworld and making some strange allies in this chunker of Squaresoft's 2000 cult classic Legend of Mana. Also: - Vanessa's Magician Crush Origin Story - "I Thought He Should"? - Legs That Go Right Into His Feet - Big Mouth Billy Bass - Diddle's dark descent - Stars Spin As They Fall When You're Trying To Catch Your Breath This Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind! Next Week: We finish Catchin' Lilipeas! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! You can find him at: https://twitter.com/BeigeOnBeige and https://www.youtube.com/user/morrissteven Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Legend of Mana Part 2 - They Love Lamp

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 9, 2021 116:55

    We're really getting into Legend of Mana now as we make our way through this complicated but simple action RPG. A lot happens, we think? There's incredibly depressing junkyard toys, pinglings, a walrus man and... a turtle?! Also: - Terrifying Nightmare Cactus - Matt's hot Jojo take - Johnny and Jim's Bunk Beds - Dubba Baba Dud - Trying to Politely Describe the Necklace Pearl Has This Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest! Next Week: We finish The Guardian of Wind! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Legend of Mana Part 1 - Is a Plant a Robot?

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 2, 2021 154:52

    Alright, now we move on to a new game: Squaresoft's bonkers Legend of Mana! If you're expecting Secret of Mana 2, it's not that, it's more like... a complicated board game that doesn't tell you how to play it combined with fun side-scrolling brawler. On this episode: - We get an exclusive 30 second celebrity interview! - Placing a Mailbox: a complicated decision - Johnny licks his foot - Jim and Matt's Legend of Mana Punishment - Diddle's Nightmarish Form - Why the Square Roots House smells like smoked meats This Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana! Next Week: We finish the Murmuring Forest! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Thanks to Steven Morris for his awesome new theme! Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 8 - Luminous Magic Bees

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 26, 2021 153:50

    We found it! We found the Odyssey, and truly, the real lost odyssey was the friendships we made along the way. On this big ol' chonker episode of an episode we chop through most of the end game content, from Cooke getting proposed to by the Kelolon King to Prince Sparklepony learning the true value of bravery. But that's not all! - Vanessa tries to trick Jim into dressing like a magician - Yellow is wind? Or should it be brown? Or should it be Bronwyn? - Gongora's Celebrity Roast - Johnny's secret Christian musical theatre past - Towers of Annoy - Mister Potato Head Made Fun of Me - You may hear hints about what the next next game is This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We complete the event Path of the Blacksmith in Legend of Mana!   Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 7 - Is Horny An Emotion?

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 19, 2021 85:59

    We all head to the garage to become certified stoneologists like Jansen in this penultimate episode of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey! There's a lot of content in this chunker as we start exploring bonus areas, do a Final Fantasy VI style minigame, and fight our... Personas? Topics covered include: - What Gongora's Deal is - Is Ming the real villain of the game? - Wine Time! - Matt's Stand Up Shower - Gongora's Grace Jones Outfit - Kirk Cameron's Fireproof This Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 6 - Do Not Let Your Easily Startled Dog Listen to the Podcast

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 12, 2021 114:21

    Jim is lost in a flower mound this week but the rest of the podcast crew is here! We're finishing Disc 3 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey, and it's some real Final Fantasy VI style split path fun times! We've got the children Cooke & Mack freezing to death, Seth bonding with the relectant King Tolten and reuniting with her 65 year old baby boy Sed, and Jansen and Ming starring in a 1990s love ballad music video. Also: - Do Not Let Your Easily Started Dog Listen to the Podcast - Nap Queer - Member Hit - Toadmore, Frogmore, Stompingham - Gongora Blood Guzzle - GRAPPLE TANKS! - MOMMA! This Week: We finish Disc 3! Next Week: We prepare to head to Grand Staff! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 5 - Fake-King It

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 5, 2021 119:37

    We're barrelling through Disc 3 like a freight train into a glacier in this catastrophic episode of Square Roots. Running at almost 50% cutscenes this chunker features that kind of Disc 3 FMV destruction we all love! Also: - Michael Emmerson Fan Club - Matt Talks About A Weird JRPG For Ten Minutes - More on the Magic Hyphen Industrial Revolution - Matt demands an explanation of Goatse - A slanty castle! - Giving Matt a Burn Notice - Kaim's Poly Relationships - Vanessa's Small TV This Week: We return to Uhra (as Seth)! Next Week: We finish Disc 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 4 - It's King Sparklepony Now

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 28, 2021 98:46

    We finish Disc 2 but still don't know for sure if Aneira is a dragon, or a bird man, or something, but we do know one thing: Gongora isn't interested in those HAMS. Also: - Vanessa Versus Sydnee McElroy - Need for Speed: Hot for Soup - Buying Items From a Crow - Stories about shoes, deadly flowers, and sticking with your wife - Hot Supernatural Gossip This Week: We finish Disc 2! Next Week: We return to Uhra! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 3 - Content Warning: Jansen

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 21, 2021 125:58

    Disc 2 of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey has a lot going for it: there's Resident Evil mansions, bizarre magic abilities, a ton of Thousand Years of Dreams stories, a possible dragon, and of course underwear. Also: - Jansen's sketchiness gets to even Vanessa - Fillibust In Me: The Many Songs of Marina - A very beautiful lullaby that is also a tuneless dirge - Vanessa the Sand Witch - Johnny says Composite in a Canadian way - Vanessa says Puma in a fascinating way This Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress! Next Week: We finish Disc 2! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 2 - Extreme Sounding

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 14, 2021 128:36

    We start getting into the tear-filled meat of Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey in this emotional rollercoaster of a chunker. In this episode: the longest funeral in a game ever; two actually non-annoying children; and the further adventures of Prince Glitter Pony! Also: - That One Episode of GI Joe Where Everyone Dissolves Into Mud Puppets - Jansen's Problematic Techniques - Wells for Boys Energy - Bob Sagetting the Kids - Jamiroquai Glasses Improving Cutscenes This Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian! Next Week: Kaim rescues the old sorceress! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Lost Odyssey Part 1 - The Magic Hyphen Industrial Revolution

    Play Episode Listen Later Jun 7, 2021 160:03

    Rid of the curse of Kingdom Hearts for now the gang stumble onto Mistwalker's Lost Odyssey - a cult classic JRPG that flew under the radar back in 2008 in spite of an expensive ad campaign. Is it Sakaguchi's comeback? Or annoying and full of pointless stories? We're all pretty split on this one so far! Also: - International Cheese Day - A Leaky Staff - Her Chest Lacked the Swellings of a Grown Woman - Big Sidekick Energy - Prince Sparkle Pony - #FriendsReunion This Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey! Next Week: Kaim defeats the tentacle monster Obsidian! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by Javagore

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 8 - Better Than The Marvel Movies

    Play Episode Listen Later May 31, 2021 142:54

    The gang has mixed feelings over the ending of Kingdom Hearts 2 and are left with a lot of questions, like: - Did any of this make sense? - Why did Johnny yell at Matthew? - Does what happened to Riku make more sense than the Marvel movies? - Should you be pressing the Y / triangle button more? Or the X / Square? Or not? - How do you pronounce Saix? - And of course, the long requested: would you eat this summon? This Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God Next Week: Kaim goes to jail after defeating a big ol' wormy boy in Lost Odyssey Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 7 - Weird Owl Hootavic

    Play Episode Listen Later May 24, 2021 121:02

    Things get a little off the rails at the start of this Square Roots when an ice cream truck constantly drives past Johnny's window, causing him to lose all focus. But! We go back to your favorite Disney lands for another dose of direct to VHS sequel adventures, as well as... - Matt Learns the Word Cheugy - Peter Pan is Actually Pretty Cool - Reading things "Burger Time" - Crackers in the Bath Tub - Vanessa Finds Out About Other Vanessa - Sorry Mommy! This Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2 Next Week: We finish Kingdom Hearts 2, Thank God Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    A Conversation with Phantasmagoria 2's Paul Morgan Stetler!

    Play Episode Listen Later May 21, 2021 40:35

    Coming hot off the heels of one of our Scare Roots Livestreams, Vanessa and Jim sit down with the star of Phantasmagoria 2 - Paul Morgan Stetler! We discuss his new YouTube project Conversations with Curtis centered around the game, why the game may be finding a new life with today's gamers and get some insider details into what it was like to bring the game to life. Check out Conversations with Curtis at https://www.youtube.com/c/conversationswithcurtis Conversations With Curtis Patreon https://www.patreon.com/conversationswithcurtis 

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 6 - Le Donque-Donque

    Play Episode Listen Later May 17, 2021 90:22

    The whole Square Roots is out of sorts this week as they are obsessed with chilli dogs, and not really that interested in Sora revisiting the Disney worlds again. But that doesn't mean there's not a lot to talk about, like: - "I Love That You Love It" - Evil Uncle Scratch - Fitness Deez Lutz - She Wants That Knot - Not Gas-X - Auron Action Figure This Week: Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2 Next Week: Agrabah 2, Port Royal 2, Halloweentown 2, Pride Lands 2 Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 5 - Yee-Yee Ass Keyblade

    Play Episode Listen Later May 10, 2021 148:09

    Somehow although we only visited a handful of worlds this chunker became chockablock with crazy nonsense, including: - Lion Hamlet - Vanessa Gets Visited By A Socially Conservative Owl - Congratulations Things - Roxas's friends: Hey There, Paunch and Oolug - Getting Norted - Do You Like Imagine Dragons? - Naminé-tions - Can Sora Read? - Cyber Bikes - "Got it memorized?" - Goofy's Death - JRPG Tommy Lee This Week: Pride Lands, Twilight Town Revisited, Space Paranoids & Hollow Bastion Battle Next Week:  Land of Dragons 2, Beast's Castle 2, Olympus 2 Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 4 - Santa Loves Me

    Play Episode Listen Later May 3, 2021 103:31

    This time Kingdom Hearts 2 really swings for the bleachers with nothin' but hits, from Aladdin to Little Mermaids and Pirates of the Carribbean! It's tough to reach a consensus on all this finny fun, but there's plenty to enjoy such as: - Gilbert Gottfried's newest sponsors - Aladdin's Whole Other Family - Vanessa's shocking Pirates confession - A phone call to Magical Disney Locker Supply - Way too much singing This Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah Next Week: Pride Lands, Hollow Bastion Battle & Space Paranoids, Land of Dragons Part 2 Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 3 - Absolute Sibilant

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 26, 2021 137:04

    Oh hey! Welcome to our continuing journey through Squaresoft and Disney's Kingdom Hearts 2! There's plenty of Disney nostalgia in this episode, as well as Nomura nonsense, random Organization XIII characters and also: - Disneyfied Auron - Old Castles Aren't Fun - Daisy's good Ending - I believe in BooBerry - A Little Pete Chat This Week: Olympus, 100 Acre Wood, Disney Castle and Timeless River Next Week: Atlantica, Port Royal, Halloween Town, Agrabah Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 2 - That's How He Gets Strong

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 19, 2021 109:16

    We get through our first two Disney worlds and yet this episode is surprisingly light on Disney songs. On this chunker of Squaresoft's Kingdom Hearts 2 we get Sora a couple of rad keyblades and also: - Jim explains how drives work - Vanessa wants to learn all the official Disney nipples - Everyone loves Doug Airholes - Jim's first good theory in the history of the podcast - A very horny dresser - Vanessa's new bit: you have two bears inside you This Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle Next Week: We defeat Ursula in Atlantica! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Kingdom Hearts 2 Part 1 - This Is Just A Business Card That Says Finger Stuff

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 12, 2021 144:24

    Oh yes. We have embarked on an adventure. We're going to the Kingdom.... of Hearts! Two! This Patreon vote winner has brought a multitude of responses from each host. On this episode: - Matt's fancy son wonders why the chairs in Organization XIII are so high - Jim gets frustrated when we don't let him tell us what's happening - Johnny gets confused on whether this is a Matrix or a Truman Show or a Dark City - We reveal the true origins of Count Dooku - Are you ready for Conservative Comedian Goofy? - Vanessa's new bit: her Donald Duck impression! This Week: We get Sora's new outfit! Next Week: Hollow Bastion, Land of Dragons, and Beast's Castle Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com This Season's Theme by GFATMusic

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 8 - The Mommy Milky Way

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 5, 2021 109:57

    Gird up your Mommy Milkers and Daddy Doinkers because it's time for some of us to finish Final Fantasy 8! This episode has everything you've ever wanted in a finalé episode, including: - More GF ranking! - Shumi Hand Talk! - Only Vanessa understanding the ending! - Junctionning yourself onto... SlutZone! - Maybe the best Final Fantasy last dungeon ever? This Week: We finish the game! Next Week: We do some nonsense in Yensid's tower in KH2, don't ask me Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Square Roots Vs Billy Ray

    Play Episode Listen Later Apr 4, 2021 62:57

    We sit down with Writer/Director Billy Ray (Captain Phillips, The Comey Rule, The Hunger Games), to discuss his film Shattered Glass, ethics in journalism, and his upcoming series on the January 6th attacks on the US Capitol.   VIDYA GAMEZ Check out Billy Ray's wiki here:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Ray_(screenwriter)   Tweet at Billy Ray: @BillyRay5229   Watch Shattered Glass free on Youtube here:  https://youtu.be/LdtWcXAQ2Q0   Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com    

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 7 - I'm Really Mee-Maw

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 29, 2021 120:52

    Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like: - Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse - The Crisp Bowl Spire - Rinoa's little flux problem, a blurby wurble thing - Lunatic Pandora, Matt's Favourite Papa Roach Album - Final Fantasy's Longest Running Will They / Won't They This Week: We finish Disc 3! Next Week: We finish the game! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 6 - You Can Show Yourselves Out

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 22, 2021 116:10

    Okay, this is an incredible episode. Why? Because of the following talking points: - A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario - A Difficult Cidtuation - Ruby Dragon: A XXX Porn Parody - Terrible Sephiroth - Would You Put Your Penix in the Phoenix? This Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall! Next Week: We finish Disc 3! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 5 - It's Climbing Oil

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 15, 2021 116:09

    YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out the greatest sax hits for Irvine to play; Quistis mimes the flute; Squall makes PA announcements about hotdogs and his feelings; we meet the Garden Babies and SO MUCH MORE. This Week: We finish Disc 2! Next Week: We reach the Lunar Gate as Squall Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 4 - Mrs. Cidfire

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 8, 2021 99:07

    We all have a game That we hide away forever Then we take it out and play ourselves When everything is wrong Some are Seifer some are Squall Some are Selphie and some are Quistis They're the cast of this chunker But we love to play them all! Well, we all get impaled But we disregard the danger When you try to assassinate the sorceress Sometimes you go to jail Why were you so surprised That you didn't kill the Squallster Did you really think the game would end When we're on disc number 2? This Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon! Next Week: We finish Disc 2! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 3 - Featuring Leelee Sobieski as Quistis

    Play Episode Listen Later Mar 1, 2021 128:07

    Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweater, get involved in another caper, meet some big beefy bull boys, realize Irvine looks like a male stripper-slash-magician, and cast a 1990s dream version of Final Fantasy 8 for which we are cancelled. This Week: We finish Disc 1! Next Week: We reach Fisherman's Horizon! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 2 - The Hot Dog Room

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 22, 2021 140:34

    Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feathery soft chocobo cuddles and fluffly flappy moogle cuddles, Laguna Loire is the first real protagonist of the game, Johnny breaks the game, a three-person locker is ordered, and Jim body shames Muncher. This Week: We get to Galbadia Garden! Next Week: We finish Disc 1! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

    Final Fantasy VIII Part 1 - Seifer Is The Biff Tannen

    Play Episode Listen Later Feb 15, 2021 132:43

    Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; identifying a real Lisa Kudrow; thicc, thicc Quistis; cargo jorts; sometimes Squall has a 4K face; and Vanessa's greatest mashup ever: Truly, Madly, Crazy. This Week: We save Rinoa (??) after she meets the best looking guy at the dance! Next Week: We get to Galbadia Garden! Our Patreon: http://patreon.com/squarerootspodcast Contact Square Roots! Twitter: @squarerootspod Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/486022898258197/ Email: squarerootspodcast (at) gmail (dort) com

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