tiny changes-Big Shift podcast

Summary: Toi B James and I explore her book “Talk About It.” Toi gives a 12-step process to help move the most difficult conversation forward. She gives us insight into a process that works. I appreciated the book and the dignity that it can give you in approaching these situations that can challenge the best of us. We all have them, after all. Vickidawn: Our episode today is Number 30, Having Difficult Conversations. My guest is Toi B James author of Talk About It - 12 Steps to Transformational Conversations, Even When you Disagree. Can you tell us a little bit more about your book, a little bit about you, what you do? Toi: Sure. The book talks about - it really is a practical guide that people can use to have difficult conversations. When we say courageous conversations, this book really gives you 12 steps based on coaching techniques. As a certified coach, we are trained to actively listen, hold space for people in a real way, navigate difficult conversations. The book really gives readers practical tools. As far as my background, I am the founder and Chief Impact Officer of RedInk Enterprises, which is a boutique DEI&B, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging Firm that specializes in inclusive communications and engagements. Vickidawn: Thank you. Well, thank you for being here and I'm excited for our show topic today. We all have those conversations that are difficult. We get stuck repeating the same conversation. I know my husband and I spent some years doing that, revisiting them and we could almost write the script. And some topics also are so uncomfortable, we just don't know how to move them forward. Maybe a work relationship or a family situation. Your book, I found really valuable in that way because it does give you such a nice framework to go deeper. I appreciate it so much. Toi: Thank you so much. Vickidawn: You share in your book that you've had uncomfortable moments when others were insensitive in their comments around race. Some people would just wait for others to just get it, but this book is very proactive and empowering. What allowed you to develop the 12 steps to transformative conversations? Toi: Yes. In the intro of the book is a story about a friend of mine, Masud Olufani, who's an artist who was talking to a gentleman after a performance that depicts the selling of enslaved people here in Atlanta. After the presentation or after the performance, which was amazing, an older white gentleman walked up to him and said, "Why are we still talking about this?" Although I couldn't really hear everything - I wanted to - I was trying - I monitored the body language and the patience in the active listening and how he kept the door open for understanding for the both of them. After the conversation, I fast forward a couple of weeks I met with him. I was like, how did that go? How did you do that? That would've paralyzed me because at the time, so much was happening in the country that was harmful and painful as a black woman to navigate in the world. Talking about race became very difficult because of course I've grown up seeing people harmed because of something they can't change. It's just unreasonable, quite frankly, racism is. When I met with my student, I was like, so what happened? He was like, "I gave him my number." I gave him a call to see if he wanted to continue the conversation. We did after some hesitation talk a little bit, I asked him if he would like to continue, can always call me and we can continue talking about what happens within the African American community, our history, why it's important to continue the conversation about our history. He just kind of became my hero in that space. Fast forward, I received an email from a friend of mine who was like, "This would be good for you." It was information about Post Diversity Institute, which is where I was trained as a certified coach. I would have to say after that, I actually got my voice back because I understood that it's not just about my feelings to push a conversation forward. It really is about the people I'm engaging. It's really about discovering. It's really about inquiry. It's really about asking the questions to understand, not necessarily change anyone's minds because we are going to disagree, period, in some cases. When that light bulb moment happens for either one of us, for clarity of understanding, it's a wonderful thing. Then you know there's a door opened to continue. Vickidawn: That is such a different approach to getting defensive or angry, or when there might be a lot of justification to get angry or defensive, in some cases. You give a clear and thoughtful discussion on challenges to approaching conversations around race, politics, religion, and in the workplace. I want to focus on the family and the application of your tools to improve relationships. To start with, you provide three levels of communication in your book. I especially like the distinction of a transformational conversation versus a positional or a transactional conversation. That was a little light bulb moment for me, believe me. Can you tell us the difference and the benefits to use this model to go deeper? Toi: Oh, absolutely. We'll start with transactional, and we all participate in that and really transactional is just asking or telling. Like, "Hey, can you, will you, are we going to, yes, no, we're going to do this instead." However, the response is. End of conversation. Positional is more about advocating, this is where I stand, this is what I believe, this is why. You can even ask, what do you believe and what is your why? Then that's the end unless you actually explore. With transformational conversation, it's really about co-creating because it's about sharing and discovering and asking thoughtful questions and keeping the door open for continued conversations and exploration, which can really just at minimum, you can develop a higher level of understanding, but more importantly, you can build connection to continue as you both grow. I just think having transformational conversations is actually doable even in conversations that are difficult. Vickidawn: I know I wish I had this framework in a couple of work relationships I had in my past that I didn't know how to take it any further. It became really passive- aggressively adversarial, I would say, I know I have, I think most of us do have, conversations with the expectation that we will come to an agreement. You propose that that's not the goal. What is the goal in your opinion? Toi: Okay. I will say in some cases the goal is maybe just to come to some conclusion, but for transformational conversations, it really is to understand and to connect. Again, because there will be moments where you just disagree, but that shouldn't end the conversation, if you explore the why, the when, where did you hear that or where did you get your information or what experience did you have that brought you to this position? Or what if I said this, would this alter your thinking? Not so I change it, but does it add another layer to what you're saying? It really is just about asking thoughtful questions and listening intently to understand what the person's actually saying. When I say listen intently, it's also watching body language, it's listening for the silences and giving them space to think through their thoughts because sometimes questions do that. Not that they necessarily stump you. But they give you pause because it's not something you considered before. If you just hold space for people to let them examine their own thoughts, sometimes the light bulb moment or another thought comes to them in that time, that could change the course of the conversation. Vickidawn: I especially like your use of silence. We like to fill that silence. If we let it be there. I know my husband is a more deliberate, thoughtful person and he needs to take time and think things out. I'm a jabber, jabber, jabber. Giving him that space is probably a big step towards that connection, which I also agree is a very good goal. That's what we all want, isn't it? (We) feel like there's two ships passing in the night sometimes because we're not experiencing that connection. Toi: There are moments where people will not want to understand or connect. They just want to say what they have to say and recognize that, if that's the case, you could decide to listen, like I'm just going to listen because they are not open to a conversation or you could decide, you know what, until we're both ready to really exchange conversations, let's just table this. I think we're both really not prepared to have a serious thoughtful conversation about this. Vickidawn: I like that - that it's a direct approach to not just trying to feel somebody out or getting hurt feelings because you started a conversation and they say, whoa, I don't want to talk about that. I know that listening with empathy and compassion does take effort. Do you have tips on how to show that you're communicating and using them? Toi: I'm sorry, that I'm communicating in what way? Vickidawn: Using the compassion and empathy? Toi: Oh, yes. There is a story in the book that really demonstrates what empathy and compassion are because we tend to use the words interchangeably sometimes, and they're very different. Empathy really is about understanding, I hear you - this is what I heard. Compassion is, I hear you - this is what I heard - what can I do? There's action attached to compassion. The story in the book which is really about a child sitting at the table, doing their homework, and saying, "Oh, my gosh, mom, dad, I don't understand this." A parent can show empathy, saying, "Oh, my gosh, I hear you don't understand this, it must be difficult." What are you going do? When a child may be asking for compassion - "Oh, my gosh, just seems like it's really difficult, how can I help you, what can I do?" You have to choose what you're going to do, and you have to be very deliberate because to be helpful, you have to define what that looks like. Vickidawn: If I maybe ask, what would be helpful to them? Toi: Exactly. Vickidawn: Yes. What would support you, what would make this easier? I can envision times that would have been useful with my kids too. I was a single parent for 11 years with five kids, so I wasn't always very empathetic or compassionate. It was more like chop chop, get it done. So, hindsight is always 20/20. I especially like stating what you want to gain from the discussion upfront and asking the other person what they'd like to see happen, that just seems so refreshing and so simple. I don't know why people don't think of it. Do you have tips for those of us who may have a partner or a child that resists this type of conversation? Toi: Sure. Before you even ask that question, the advice that I give or the recommendation that I share is one - tell them your why and your why can be deeply personal. It's not just about, "Well, I want you to do this", it's, "I care about you, and I know that this is important to you. The end result is incredibly important to you. I would love for us to talk about this particular topic because it will get you to where you want to be because I care about you." From there, you can say, "Okay, this is why I think this is an important conversation. Why would this matter to you? How would this connect to you? Once you understand their why, it's easier to navigate the conversation so you don't go off the rails, then you start thinking about yourself, if indeed it is to support that other person and if it's a support to both of you, you guys can put guardrails around what it is you're discussing before it gets out of scope. Vickidawn: Yes, the kitchen sink. The incident 10 years ago. Toi: Which is why it's important to actually think about that so you both can decide like, "Oh, I think we're getting off-topic here unless that kitchen sink applies, I mean, it depends on what the conversation is, but you can decide together like, "Okay, yes, you're right. That's not what we're here for. We both decided that we care enough to talk about this." Vickidawn: I like the commitment that you bring to the conversation - that I would bring to a conversation like this to really want to move forward and not just advocate for my position or prove I'm right or convince you that you really messed up there and you should have done it different, and the habits like that we fall into in our communication. I was lucky in that I had a sponsor when I was early in the program who told me to listen to everybody because I might learn something, so it's a habit that I formed, and I still practice that today. I listen carefully to something everybody says around the table, and I'm grateful for that practice. I can't say that I've listened to my family with that same intention. I can see the value when I do it there and how does that improve relationships do you think? Toi: When I think about how I feel when someone listens to me and I feel as if I'm seen, heard, and respected and that they respect all of me and my opinion. Even if they don't necessarily agree with me, but they're willing to hold space for me. I know how important that makes me feel and how my vulnerability is held with care and I, in turn, want to do the same thing. I also know what it feels like when someone does not care and will not listen to me and doesn't really care about my opinion, although they'll pretend like they're listening, and I never want to make anyone feel that way. Vickidawn: That's really commitment to connection. Toi: It is, and my hope is that people do like, even if a topic that they disagree about, if they don't necessarily even like the person as a person in front of them, if they care about mankind, identify what it is that makes this particular conversation that you're having important, potentially, to the both of you, even if it's just for you just to explore to understand. Just understanding what that is will allow you to remain calm and to just investigate, just to examine and explore. I think that's where the magic happens. People can look at me and assume a lot of things, but if they actually ask me the right questions, they'll find like, "Oh, I didn't think you'd like that, or I didn't know you were from the South or I didn't know your father listened to country music, and you like big rigs. There's so much - we know all of our favorite things but if we really want to get to know someone, there's so much you don't know about the person in front of you, besides what you think is different or the same. Vickidawn: You use the word vulnerability and I know that working woman-- I was a CPA, so I was mostly in a man's world, so to speak, and attempted to always be tough and strong and no emotions because I thought that was what was part of the deal to show up. And I think if I would have used vulnerability in that relationship that I had so much trouble with, that I was so frightened to be vulnerable in, I felt so open to attack and misunderstanding. Is there a way I could have prepped that - do you think - in my own mind to shift - maybe being clear about the why myself or-- Toi: What comes to mind for me with that without knowing the full story about the relationship that you're referring to is really about being your authentic self and what that is, and so let's just start there. Were you authentically who you were, even to allow space for any level of vulnerability and what did that other person miss because they didn't get to know you as a whole person where maybe they saw a wall and met the wall with a wall. Vickidawn: That's a very good point. Toi: I would always advise people, "Be as authentic as you possibly can be with the people who are around you. One, so you could be your best self because when your wall has to go up, you don't have the same level of energy.  Two, do the best in that role or position or in that space because you're not your best self - because you're not yourself." Vickidawn: Honesty and vulnerability, even if the other person doesn't understand is always a good place to start from and then you can take it from there. If you do need to put up a wall because there are, like you said earlier, places, where the person isn't ready to talk about it, maybe will never be ready to talk about it, and then I would infer I would get to decide how to move forward in the future around topics of importance. Toi: And with whom. I would preference saying the word boundaries than wall. Vickidawn: Yes. Walls are permanent, can tend to be permanent, boundaries can be raised and lowered or altered or moved, or yes, I love that too. When I was younger, I had a lot of those permanent walls, and I learned a lot about boundaries. Do you have any final thoughts about your book or about your experience writing the book, did it come quickly, did it come easy, was it just there waiting in a container and all of a sudden boom you-- [laughs] Toi: It was funny how it happened because we're in a pandemic, I was exhausted from work. We had a lot of changes, and I was a part of the change - managing strategy with managing diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging for my organization as well as my regular job. They just needed someone who understood, who understood the work, who understood the teams. I'd had been there for six years or about six years, so I understood the needs of my colleagues and what I did not understand they also knew that I was willing to explore because I was a coach. They were like, "This is what you do, you are a coach, can you help us?" I was like, "I absolutely can this is what I love to do." I think it was the end of December just around the holidays and I was winding down, although it took a minute because when you're super busy all the time, your brain doesn't catch up with the exhaustion of your body. Vickidawn: Yes, I know. Toi: I was sick of watching television, but it was on, it is usually on for noise, and I said, well, you know what, everyone's always saying they don't know how to have the conversation. In corporate America when after the death of George Floyd, it was like, we don't know what to say. I care about my teams, but I don't know what to say. I would always say, well, lead with that, that's your honest position. If you care about them, that is a wonderful thing to say to them. I care about you, I don't know what to say, but what can I do for you? How can I help? Then you give them the power to determine what the next step is. As I thought about always hearing that as well as with my friends, like I can't talk politics, I can't do this because it's so nerve-wracking and because I had been there or understood. I was like, "I really want people to talk to each other." I just started writing notes down while TV was watching me and I thought, I'll write an outline, then let's fast forward three days. I'll go ahead and start the first chapter; I'll start doing some research. I did that every night for a month and the book, the first draft was born. I just determined that I wanted to encourage and inspire one million transformational conversations. I think a lot of what we're seeing in the world today is lack of empathy and compassion, a lack of understanding, but a desire to belong to groups because we're always online as like, well I believe this. And I was like, "Do you know where they got this information from? What do you really believe?" I want to understand you, and so I think that's important to me. I think the more we really engage each other in thoughtful, honest, authentic conversations the more we get (each other). That's just the first step. There's still a lot of work to be done. Certainly, when you talk about inclusion and belonging, diversity and equity as well - my specialty is inclusion and belonging, communication and engagement. I am in that first step like you got to first acknowledge it and then you got to talk about it and then you got to make a plan. Sometimes we can't even talk about it. Vickidawn: Yes. After reading your book and thinking through the concepts, one thing that I think it will empower me to do is when somebody does say something different, I used to just feel uncomfortable and afraid and change the subject. Now I think it will give me that opportunity to ask more questions. “Oh, well that seems like a strong statement. Where did that come from?” Not take it so seriously like, oh my God. Oh my God. Toi: Sometimes you have to do it even while you're uncomfortable because it doesn't - you'll be uncomfortable like in some cases - but the steps will give you - it's a practical guide to knowing what the next step is. How do you hold space for yourself and how do you identify? One, this may cause me harm - I am going to back away from this. Or this fear is not real, let me just ask more thoughtful questions because I don't understand and I really want to, so let me stand here in my own power and allowing that person to stand in their own truth. Then we exchange to get to know each other - and you can make those decisions. Vickidawn: Yes. Trust yourself comes to mind. Toi: Yes. Trust yourself and if you make a mistake, what can you do? You can apologize. Vickidawn: Oh, it does. Toi: Oh my, it seems like I'm so embarrassed, I don't even know what to say. That - say that. You know what - I think I said something that was insensitive, and I wanted you to know that I'm sorry. How could I have said that differently because I don't want to make that mistake again? Vickidawn: Yes. Those types of communications are simple but so powerful. I think sometimes we think it has to be complicated or harder or… Just the elegance of, oh geez, I really messed up there, I feel like I did. Toi: If you care enough, it's easy. Vickidawn: How does our audience find you Toi? Toi: Sure. yes. Again, my company name is RedInk Enterprises LLC. You can find me at RedInk and that's - https://www.redinkenterprises.com. From there you can get the link to my Instagram and my LinkedIn business pages. Of course, there's a page dedicated to the book itself so you can have different ways of ordering it. If you want the e-book, the soft copy, all available to you wherever you are, and it's actually shipped internationally. Yes, I am all over the web and easy reach and again, I am a certified coach and a DEI&B practitioner. If you want some support in that area, I'm also available for that. Vickidawn: I am so impressed with the book - I really am, (and) with our conversation today, I really appreciate you taking the time to be with us today. Toi: Thank you so much for the invitation. Thank you for reading the book. Thank you for inviting me to speak to you and your audience. I really, really appreciate it. Yes. Before I go though, I also want to mention that all of your listeners, if they order the book from bookbaby.com, they'll get a discount, and that information will be on your website available for a month. Vickidawn: Okay. Available for a month after the show releases, right? Toi: Absolutely. Vickidawn: Okay. I'll make sure that I highlight that, so people don't miss that opportunity. It's just a wonderful book. I've already mentioned it to several people, and I pick it up and hold it so they can see the cover and - there's a lot of books and information about communicating. It's hard to find a new angle and I don't want to use the word angle, but a tool that feels refreshing and real and solid. Yes. I really appreciate that. Toi: I wrote the book that I wanted to read. If I didn't know this, that's the kind of book. This is the kind of book I want, something very practical. Give me steps. Give me examples. Tell me the story. I wrote the book I would want to read if I did not understand how to communicate, having difficult conversations. Vickidawn: All right. Again, thank you for being here Toi. Toi: Thank you so much.

Lee Ellen and I discuss the destructive nature of letting the judge be in control of life. How it is an enticing, well-worn habit. The judge that came as a guest and stayed as a permanent saboteur. Letting that go takes conscious effort, it doesn't disappear by magic. The rewards are amazing! Vickidawn: I'll start by saying welcome to episode 29 of tiny changes-Big Shift podcast, Kick the Judge to the Curb. I'm excited to have you here, Lee Ellen. Lee Ellen: Well, thank you. It's nice for you to have me. Vickidawn: Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself? Lee Ellen: In what capacity? Let's see. Vickidawn: Well, you make jewelry. Lee Ellen: Oh, yes. Yes, I do. I make jewelry and I am a retired mortgage officer and an office manager and a loan closer. I haven't worked for over 11 years, and I have been a sober person for over 14 years. Vickidawn: Yes. Just recently you had a birthday. That's so exciting. Our topic is judgment of yourself, of others, of circumstances, or in the language of our program - people, places, and things. Our judge formed in childhood, as we know, and that's where we absorbed others' opinions and maybe their worldview and incorporated them into our own. Some of them worked and many of them limit us. The biggest way the judge, I name mine the janky judge with an ensemble of characters that I call the hater-aid crew, is - It tells me I can't, I'm not smart enough, I don't have enough experience, and this stops me from expressing my gifts because it stops me from taking on new things - unless I really drag myself by the ear and say, "Come on, you're doing it." Right? Lee Ellen: Right. Vickidawn: There is the obvious, of course, the judge that's hard on us. How does your judge show up Lee Ellen? Lee Ellen: Well, my judge shows up-- It's always been there. It's been there since I was young. I have always felt judged by family. I think it showed up as I wasn't ever good enough. I had an older sister who was extremely smart. She was always thin. She was always outgoing, and she was always popular, and I just couldn't compete with that. It was started then, and then pretty soon I quit trying. I myself felt like it didn't matter, I would never be good enough. Not only was I being judged or felt like I was being judged, I judged myself and then I started judging other people. My judge showed up all the time. I lived with the judge. I was the judge. I was judged. Part of my life, it was pretty sad. I just thought that's the way life was. Vickidawn: Yes. I think all of us were so acquainted because at some point the judge convinced us that it's our friend, that it's there to protect us to-- well, in my case, if I do it just perfect, then I am not subject to any judgment because you can't judge perfect, but perfect is such a high bar and I never could reach it and nobody can. I know you're in the program also, and you've worked the program and been diligent about that and done what you needed to do there and still, the judge is present. Were you aware even well into your recovery that you had that judge living there? Lee Ellen: No, I didn't until later in the program after working my steps. In fact, I didn't even know what boundaries were. I had no boundaries, and I grew up in a family with 10 kids and there couldn't be boundaries. Nobody knew what a boundary was. But also, I didn't know how to think nicely of other people. I judged them quietly in my mind and I never thought anything was wrong with that. It was a terrible thing when I found out that, boy, I thought in my mind all the time about somebody when I would see them on the street, when they would walk in my office, when they left my office. I thought that's what they were doing with me is judging me in that way. When I got into the program and found that, no, that's not how people are that they're loving and kind. Somebody said to me once, "Why do you always say such horrible things about people?" I thought, "Well, doesn't everybody?" I actually said to this person, "Well, they don't hear me say it. I don't say it in front of them. They don't hear me say it." She said, "Yes, but you know what? I think when I leave the room, you're probably saying that about me too." Lee Ellen: I never ever thought-- I just thought, "Well. I knew that was happening behind my back.” That's what I thought because that's what was happening in my home when I grew up. I really made a conscious effort from that point on to not think those thoughts and then I wouldn't say them, or to not say them then I wouldn't think them. It worked. It really worked, but it took the program and working the steps and taking the catalyst class of yours to weed out those things in my life, those character defects, and being able to name my judge and to say, "Oh, I don't need that. That isn't the part of my life I want. What a shortcoming to have." Vickidawn: You're not alone. That's the other thing. We all have a judge. Lee Ellen: Yes. I didn't think other people did. When I learned how horrible it was that I was being. I thought, "I don't want anybody else to ever know this." Here I am talking about it. Vickidawn: Times change. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: What about circumstances? Do you find that you judge circumstances in your life? Lee Ellen: Well, I did. I always blamed things that have happened in my life as, "Well, that's the reason why I am the way I am." But I think I changed things in my mind to make it okay for me to act the way I act. Well, the way I grew up was the circumstances that made it okay for me to be judgmental. Vickidawn: Oh, sure. Lee Ellen: I don't do that. I don't believe that anymore. Sure, there's a lot of circumstances that happen in your life, but you have a choice as to what to make of them. I lived with those circumstances and what I believed them to be again until I took a class that said, "Let's look at it, let's look at what really happened." [chuckles] It was a little different than what I made it out to be when I looked back and thought, "That isn't the truth." Vickidawn: That's another key point, the judge lies to us. Lee Ellen: It does. It does. Vickidawn: Yes. Lee Ellen: I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe, and it wasn't the truth. Vickidawn: It fits our perception maybe of how we interpreted events, because we are just always meaning-making machines, and as humans, we try to make sense of our experiences and what happened. Of course, when we're young and we're forming these judgements, we don't have the sophistication or maturity. We do form some pretty ridiculous, in my case, judgments about myself and my place in this world and what to expect. Lee Ellen: Right. I'm not sure that I still have the sophistication to figure it out, and that's why I don't want to stop learning. I don't want to stop learning on how to discern what's going on with my emotions and with that judge and how to change those reactions and those thoughts and those shortcomings. I don't want to go back to thinking that way. Vickidawn: Right. You used the word discernment earlier, and I think that's a good place to clarify. Yes, we don't want to put our hand on a hot stove, so our judge telling us, "That is a flipping hot stove. Don't touch it," is a good thing. There are also times where the judge really can come in handy in protecting us or putting up that wall if somebody is being harmful to us. It's not saying we can't discern what is good for us and what's not. It's that, the judge, when it steps in to say, "You're stupid, they're stupid," the one that says, "I can't. Oh, you better not try that because what if you fail." That judge is the one we're talking about here that we want to let go of. Lee Ellen: Yes. I still let that judge tell me, "Oh, you don't want to sell that jewelry you make. It's just not good enough for people. People are going to scoff at it," or, "They're not going to buy it. Don't try." Vickidawn: Yes. Vulnerability. Lee Ellen: I still face that all the time and it takes a lot of changing- Vickidawn: Courage. Lee Ellen: -to change that, to get the courage to just go out there and do it. Vickidawn: Yes, and support, right? Lee Ellen: Oh, definitely. Definitely, yes. The support that I get from the people I know in the program is amazing. Sometimes they push and they push and they push and I like to try to ignore it, but it's there and I have to admit, "Geez, why don't I try it? Why don't I?" What have I got to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Vickidawn: That's another good point. Lee Ellen: I'm 66-years-old, so what else am I going to do? Vickidawn: Yes. What can happen? Lee Ellen: Right. [laughs] Vickidawn: If they don't buy it, okay, they didn't buy it. They're not buying it now when you don't put it out there, right? Lee Ellen: Right, and I get to wear it tomorrow then. Vickidawn: Yes. We know that part of growing is to push ourselves outside our comfort zones and that's what you're talking about there. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: This is also where the judge can get really mouthy and really give us a come-to-Jesus moment. The difference between pushing ourselves with the judge and letting our inner voice guide us through love and compassion is where we can shift, because the judge says, "You can't get it done without me. You need me to browbeat you. You need me to take you to task," and that yes, is true, we can get something done and do, but it doesn't feel as good, right? Lee Ellen: No. Vickidawn: If we do it with letting our inner voice say, "You can do this, look at how you've grown. If you get scared you can just stop and say a prayer, or you can stop now and try again tomorrow." What a difference between browbeating and being loving to yourself. Lee Ellen: Yes. I don't know where that changed in my life because I used to be the one who did everything and I had all the confidence of that I was the best at what I knew, just at the things that I knew. I could stand up in front of 1,000 people and tell them what they needed to do to purchase a house, to close on a house, anything. I couldn't teach somebody else to do it because only I could do it well. I couldn't work with somebody else because they couldn't do it as well as I could. I had all the self-confidence in the world and I was very snarky about it, [chuckles] but then when I couldn't work anymore, I lost all confidence in myself - in anything that I could do. It's taken a lot, a lot of years to build any self-confidence back up and to regain any thought of, "You are good enough to do things." Vickidawn: We let that judge be in control for so long and tell us that our worth is dependent on our performance, or our worth is dependent on our job. I did that same thing, and then when it was gone, it was almost devastating. To pick up the pieces and even start to become aware that the judge had told me that for so long, it's pretty incredible. Lee Ellen: It is. On one hand, I don't ever want to go back to be that person. Vickidawn: No. Lee Ellen: Never, [laughs] and it's like, "What was that all about? Ugh." A lot of amends had to be made there, but I had a lot I could be proud of. I helped a lot, a lot of people, but I'd rather be who I am today. Vickidawn: Yes, and adding that confidence back in. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: As a place with love and compassion and true connection to what you really want to do and being okay to say no sometimes. Lee Ellen: Yes, and I'd love to be able to bake a person a cake and bring it to their home rather than having to spend three months trying to get them that home. It's like, "Let me do that for you. Yes." Lee Ellen: Life does change. If you can just keep it simple, that judge stays out of my life if I keep it simple. It helps. Vickidawn: How do you know when the judge has taken over? When it's been triggered, how do you know? Lee Ellen: My guts just clench, and my judge shows up, I get angry. I'm a reactor and I don't like that. That's the first thing I have to do is tell myself, "Don't react. Don't react. Don't react." Vickidawn: Pause. Pause. Lee Ellen: Yes. Pause, really. It hurts when that judge shows up and I'm either angry or sad, I'm hurt. it all comes down to fear, I think. It comes all back at me in fear that "Oh, here I go. I'm going to revert all the way back to childhood and I don't want that." I'm going to hurt back; I'm going to hurt somebody back. I'm so happy to have learned I don't have to do that. I don't have to be that person. Vickidawn: Yes. You raised an important point. Well, three important points there. One is that you can let go and what you're letting go is the resentment, and you're right to retaliate, which we say, "Turn it over." Sometimes I used to think, "What the heck am I turning over?" That's exactly what I was turning over. Then forgiveness, and of course, we talk a lot about praying for that person that steps on our toes and recognizing that they're a sick human being just like we are. That can be hard to do when we have our order of wrongs in our society. If somebody murders you, that's worse than character assassination by gossip, right? Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: We can say, "Well, I'm not that bad." Lee Ellen: Yes, that was much worse. Vickidawn: Yes, exactly. Lee Ellen: But don't put me down. Vickidawn: Oh, yes. How does that judge impact your relationships? Lee Ellen: I didn't trust anybody. I just didn't trust anybody. I had a wall built in front of me so high that I was so isolated and lonely and depressed. I couldn't let anybody in. That got me nowhere very fast. It took a lot of outside help, and it took a really good sponsor and trusting that one person enough where I could say, "I need your help. Please, listen to me and help me through it." When I could build up the trust of that one person and really look at the progress, "Yes, I do need it in order to survive my life," then things started falling into place. Vickidawn: Well, you wanted real connection and you started to find out what that was. Me too when I first was in recovery. It's the hardest thing for all of us to ask for help and then to listen. Sometimes, when that judge is telling us, "We already know. We already know your motive. I already know what you're going to say. I already know how you feel about me." That Judge is there saying, "I'm so smart, I got all this covered, and prove it." Yes, you're right. Those walls get higher and higher, and it is a lonely place to be so the judge can be very destructive. Lee Ellen: Right. I loved to tell people, "You can't tell me what to do." Which, boy oh boy, did I need people to tell me what to do. Vickidawn: To become young again, and open-minded, and-- Lee Ellen: Willing to change. It's that change word. When I was willing to change, then I was happy to change. I was so happy. I found and saw women in this program that I wanted to be like. Just the humbleness and the smiling, happy, honest, true women. I thought, "Yes, I want that. I truly want that." Vickidawn: And not perfect. Lee Ellen: And not perfect. And people liked them. Vickidawn: What tools do you use now to shift out of that judging and into a better voice of wisdom or loving compassionate response? Lee Ellen: The main tool that I use is helping others. I find that's the best way that I can shift out of judgment. When I couldn't work anymore, I just felt useless, absolutely useless. I didn't think there was anything good about my life anymore. I decided then and there that my higher power must want something of me. I decided it had to be that I'm supposed to be helping others doing what I could do physically and mentally. That helped, but also the only other thing I can do is the readings, daily readings, and lots of meetings. If I'm in a mood when I wake up, I can stay in that mood all day and not want to change it. When I get into a meeting in the morning, it changes my whole day. It changes my whole demeanor. I remember, "Oh, yes, this isn't the way my higher power wants my day to go." People need me to be a different person, too. Vickidawn: That's an important point that you remember. You remember who you really are. Sometimes we think we have, and the judge will tell us that, "Well, you're not good enough the way you are." Lee Ellen: Go back to bed and pull the covers over your head. Vickidawn: Yes. Just by being open and being around other people is a reminder that you really do have something to give and you really do have a place and a purpose. Lee Ellen: Absolutely. I need to hear that a lot of time. If I don't share what's wrong, then I'm not going to hear that. If there's been a lot wrong for everybody over the last few years with COVID and the isolation and people need to share. We need to help each other. Vickidawn: Yes. It's an unprecedented time. We sure know that. Lee Ellen: Because if I'm alone and sitting here, I can judge you without ever hearing you say a word. Vickidawn: "I know all about you and what your shortcomings are, what your strengths are, how you should be showing up." There's no connection in that. There's just some self-righteousness. That's an ugly word. I don't like that word, but it's true for me a lot. Do you have any final thoughts, Lee-Ellen? Lee Ellen: Am so thankful. That's another, thankful or gratitude, because it really takes away that judge. Just being grateful for what I have stops me from judging what I think other people are thinking. "Hey, I have my life and am proud of what I have done with it and where I'm at and the love that I have for my kids and my grandkids and my friends." I learned to love deeply. I think the love and gratitude of the people in this program are deeper than anything I've ever known. For that, I'll be forever grateful. We can kick that judge right to the curb. Vickidawn: Yes, park him on the sidewalk. Lee Ellen: You bet, and run him over. Vickidawn: I was going to say let somebody else pick him up, but I like your solution. Lee Ellen: Run him over with every bike that drives that sidewalk. Vickidawn: Well, thank you for being here today. Lee Ellen: Thank you. Vickidawn: Is there a place that you sell your jewelry, or can somebody reach out to you somehow? Lee Ellen: Oh, you can reach out to me any-- you can give me a call at my phone number 218-380-0110. Then my hairdresser, Theresa, has a few of my things for sale. She's been kind enough to really push women who have crafts by selling them in her salon. Vickidawn: In addition to that, she does beautiful colorwork, giving her a plug. Lee Ellen: Yes, she does. Vickidawn: -and haircuts. Lee Ellen: Haircuts. She's done my hair for 20 years. Yes. Wonderful person. I like to keep it fun and simple. Vickidawn: And creative. They can also find you on Facebook, Lee Ellen Olson, right? O-L-S-O-N. Lee Ellen: Yes. Vickidawn: Maybe you'll be putting some pictures of your jewelry out there. Lee Ellen: Oh, I guess somebody is trying to push it. Yes. Lee Ellen: Just that little push we talked about. Vickidawn: It's just possible, it's not a guarantee. All right. Thank you, Lee Ellen. I'm really grateful that you were here. Lee Ellen: I'm very thankful that you asked me to be. Vickidawn: To my audience, thank you for listening. I love emails from you. Send them to info@vickidawn.com. Tell me what you'd like to hear or discuss. Until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time.

Summary: Amanda and I talk about regret – operating over it and missing opportunities and how to connect with what we value. We talk about forgiveness and compassion for others, and how our own motivations can be buried and that leads us to blame others. Amanda supports mothers through her Daily Dance facebook page, and gives them permission to fail forward. Vicki: Hello, Amanda. So glad to have you here with me today. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. I'm excited to be here today. Vicki: My guest today is Amanda D. She's that real estate mama and founder of The Daily Dance, a journey and exploration of motherhood transformation and failing forward. I love that. I want to talk about that a little bit. She is a first-time mom at 40, entrepreneur, realtor, podcaster, reinventor, village creator, and mom supporter. She's committed to creating connection, freedom, and the courage to fail. Welcome, Amanda. Amanda: Hi, Vicki. Thanks. Vicki: The courage to fail, I love that. Amanda: That was something I have been asking a lot of people and had to ask myself once I became a mom, what's my vision or anybody else's vision of motherhood and what that is personally and what I wanted. The thing that kept coming up for me, and I heard it coming up for other people too, was passing on the courage to fail to their kids, and really it came out as, I want my kids to not be afraid to try things. I want them to be who they are, to explore. It just kept coming to me as, it's having the courage to fail, going for the experience and trying and not getting hung up on whatever result comes up or-- Vicki: Right, or in our society, trying to cover up our mistakes, cover up a failing because what will people think? How would they view us? It's not okay. All of that. I love that, that challenges that right in the face of, let's just have the courage to fail and fall down, pick up the pieces and move on instead of act like, oh my God, that shouldn't have happened, or why did that happen? Amanda: I was going to add to that. It's also something I've learned from watching my son and realized that our natural state is to do that. If you watch a little kid learning to walk, they don't get up and do it right the first time. They don't get up and do it right the first 100 times. Each time they get a little further and not once do you see little kids start to get down on themselves. They might get a little frustrated, but they just keep going until they get it. We as adult onlookers, we just know and assume that they will and encourage them to keep going. Yet somehow, as we age, it gets lost, or it suddenly seems like something we as adults are no longer allowed to do. Vicki: I love your reference to the tiny stages. Each time they get a little further because that's often in life, we focus on the big results and forget to pay attention to the lots of little things that we did to make that happen. Our show today is episode 28, Are You Operating Over Regrets? We had a conversation last week where you mentioned that you don't really experience regret today. You've reclassified if you ever felt regret. The focus is - I've learned something from all my mistakes and all the places where I might have fell short or felt others fell short. Do you mean that you don't feel guilt, shame, remorse, or sorrow, but may have situations where you wish they would've turned out differently, or are you pretty much, nope, everything turned out the way it should have? Amanda: I'm a human being. I most certainly have felt all of those things, guilt, shame, remorse, sorrow, especially in the moment. It's really hard to be regret-free in the moment or the moment right after something. What I mean by that is that I relate this idea of regret - for some reason, when I hear the word regret, I think what would I want to do over? Earlier in life, I think what came up for me was nothing. I just don't even want to go back there. Whatever it was, there was this, you know what? At least where I am now, I got through it, it's done and, you know what? I'd rather leave it as is and move forward than try to go back and do something again, because how do I know that whatever it is I do the second time would really be better. I've also, in this conversation that we've been having, realized that there was also this little bit of those moments are also opportunities for learning. Those things that I want to hang on to, regret, or continue to have negative feelings about, are really missed lessons. Vicki: I like that thinking. Amanda: When some of that stuff comes up, asking what can I learn or what did I learn? I've certainly had moments that I've really beat myself up over and got hung up on, and at some point, I just stopped to ask, what tiny change or just tiny little thing could I do so that it has a purpose, so that that thing serves a purpose? Whether it's making a different decision sometime, the next time, or just what can I pull from it? What can I learn from the experience? What was the opportunity that I got in that experience? Vicki: It sounds like you're talking about taking a detached view, separating from the emotion maybe, and being neutral about what happened in order to look at it from the big picture, looking down maybe. Would that be how you are reflecting? Amanda: Yes. Some of it is in hindsight. It's very rarely am I having this no regrets feeling in the moment that something is happening. It is actually stopping to take the time and ask, what happened there? Really even just asking what happened there. I find that when I hang onto things and I don't do that, the same thing or something very similar happens again. I think this is the universe continuing to give us what we need to grow until we open up and are willing look and say, what can I take from this? What purpose could it serve for me? Vicki: One of the things that I've noticed in my life that you touched on a little bit was, not only what I could have done different, but what is it telling me about - that I keep reflecting back. Even if I don't necessarily have feelings of regret anymore or pain. For an example, I left a job that I had a really tight team. We really worked well together. It was all women, [laughs] and I loved that environment, and we were all supportive of each other. I went to another place to work where that wasn't there, and I kept reflecting back - but missing that team spirit. Had I been a little more present and thought, why am I reflecting on this so much? I might have said, "Well, because team is missing." [laughs] What can I do to create that again? Because instead of waiting for it to happen outside me, what can I do to take responsibility, to create what I want? Do you have any times like that, that reflect on a value maybe? That value for me was team and respect and support. Amanda: I think when I hear that, what automatically comes up in mind to me is my experience with romantic relationships. When I was in my early 20s, I was a part of a very unhealthy relationship. I was in it for about three years. At some point, I left, but I came out of it thinking - I had made this person my whole world - I didn't really understand who I was or what my place was without this person being at the center of it. At that time, I internalized it as that-- There was a lot of, what's the word I'm looking for? Cheating. We'll just say cheating. There was a lot of cheating. [laughter] Vicki: Call it what it is. Amanda: There was just something in that that I made up about myself for a long time that, I wasn't good enough for someone to be committed to. There was a little bit of that but there was also this bigger story from my past and how I watched my parents growing up that like, there was a lot of cheating there too. I also had this story that committed relationships didn't exist in the world. It wasn't real, it was something fake, it was storybook, something that happened on the Disney channel and not in real life. When I internalized this, I spent a large portion of my life not participating in committed relationships. At this point, I'll say trying on different relationship types, the end result is that I was single or felt single and unconnected to a romantic partner for over a decade. Then at some point, I just finally was like - I had the story too that it was always other people weren't committing to me. At some point, I finally-- there was this light bulb that went off that said, if you want people to make that commitment and be all in with you Amanda, you have to be willing to be that as well. For me, at that time, my first tiny step to that was simply admitting that I wanted it because I had convinced myself that I didn't even want this, that it was, I don't know, uncool, didn't matter. Just admitting that I wanted it and then that built into admitting that I deserved it. Then there was practice because then I found I would get involved with the same type of person and know that like, oh, well, in my thought, in my head, I was saying that this is what I wanted. However, then I started looking at who I was choosing as a partner or to get involved with and I'm like, these are unavailable people. I'm still choosing unavailable people but saying that I want something different. Eventually going, aha, if I want to experience something different, I get to do something different and it's not other people who need to shift. I'm the one who gets to make the shift and add the commitment. Part of that was selecting partners who are also interested in commitment, and it sounds so silly and stupid now. [chuckles] Vicki: I have a similar story. The story was about love hurts, and no one is ever going to do that to me again. I made a promise when I left my second husband, and it was at such a bottom as a result of his illness and inability to address it with addiction. I reached the bottom with me and my four kids that I made that promise and then I kept it for 10 years. Like you, I reached a moment in time where I thought, that worked for the last 10 years and it's not enough anymore. We have a similar story. Amanda: That's crazy because I had no idea. [laughs] Vicki: No, me either. We operate right over it. That's the uncanny thing about unconscious motivations that make it seem like it's somebody else's fault or it's some circumstance outside of us because the unconscious motivation is buried so deep and we just aren't aware of it until we have the courage to just let it surface and be there. I don't know why those moments come to be. That's what's fascinating in life, isn't it? We can't force them. We can't make it change. I used to, oh, wail and cry every failed relationship during that 10-year period and I picked the wrong partner over and over again. Somebody that I knew would leave or that I would leave because they really were not the kind of integrity-- Not that they were bad people, but just there was no connection. Emotionally unavailable, like you said. That leads into that regret can hide in our judgments too, and what you were commenting on if we wish someone would show up with qualities or in a certain way in life and maybe then we're regretting in our mind that they aren't showing up that way but if we look deeper, we get to ask ourselves, how are we showing up? Amanda: I recently had a huge breakthrough in this particular area with my mom. As I mentioned, I became a first-time mom at 40. My son is now 18 months old. Last year was my first mother's day. My mom and I have begun to create another level of relationship and we've just never been super close and spoken a lot. There was something about becoming a mom that I felt like another level of connection to her, and I had this thing in my head that we were going to talk about motherhood on mother's day and it was going to be this beautiful thing. On mother's day, I called my mom. She didn't pick up and didn't call me back. I went into so much judgment about her not being there, her not showing up and any other gamut of things I could make up about why she didn't pick up the phone and all of that. Then I was speaking with another group and had this moment where I stopped that story and stopped being in that place of victimhood. What was happening for her, on her end for her and I suddenly had this big, wow moment where - my mom has experienced child loss. She's also experienced the loss of a grandchild and there was just this moment where I find had this level of compassion that, you know what? Mother's day may not be a happy pleasant day for her. In that moment - where I let it not be about me - there was this freedom in adding compassion and going, oh, maybe she didn't pick up with the phone because she was taking care of herself. Maybe that's what she needed. All of a sudden it allowed that judgment to just dissipate. At the same time, it added a little bit of judgment to myself because I was like, how selfish and self-centered was I that it was my mom's duty to make my mother's day great and laugh at myself for it a little bit. Vicki: You touched on something really important. I think we can't talk about regrets without talking about forgiveness and I love the sense of compassion that you felt in the moment for your mom, understanding that it might be a different experience for her, very painful, remembering what she lost. Then the opportunity to forgive yourself for being "selfish and self-centered," but being present in the moment and working through it, allowed that to happen. How do you approach your forgiveness process? Is there a way you do it or is it in the moment? Amanda: I'm still working on it. I think that when you say process, that is probably the biggest key. (This) Level of forgiveness is new to me maybe in the past couple years and growing for me. For the longest time I kept asking, how do you just forgive? The answer that I've come up with for myself is you don't just forgive. You choose to forgive in this moment and then you to choose it again in the next moment and then the one after that, and the day after that and the week. Because it's not like I had this - and all of a sudden everything poof - went better and I never had those feelings again. It's constantly reminding myself. I think the process-wise, it's taking a moment to step back and see it from the other person's perspective is a big one. The other one that came to me recently is I've made a deeper connection with my own spirituality and a connection with my higher power, which may or may not look like anybody else, it's personal to me. Establishing a relationship of trust with the universe, that the universe has got me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Then taking the jump and going, oh, if the universe has me and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, I cannot believe that wholeheartedly unless I also believe that everyone else's higher power also has them, and they are also know exactly where they need to be. I am not the one who decides where that is. [laughs] Vicki: That one was a revelation, wasn't it? Amanda: Yes. Vicki: It was for me, I would say that. Amanda: Yes. There's a little bit of letting go of my own agenda and control for other people that allowed me to give other people permission to have their own journey too. I certainly am not always right. A lot of what I'm about now is failing forward and the courage to be wrong. Other people are allowed to do that too and really just finding a compassion and reciprocal offering of that to others. Vicki: I like that. In the beginning, you mentioned that your regrets have become your lessons and they've added value to your personal growth. How did you come to that and maybe a little bit about how do you practice that on a daily basis? I love that you start with the right to fail forward. Amanda: Like I said, in the beginning, it was just about-- it was almost a way of avoiding my past. However, now I talked about the relationships part of things and no matter how bleak it looks at a certain point, a lot of it's hindsight. I sit now and I could choose to sit here and beat myself up about all the poor relationships I choose to get into. However, when I sit here now and reflect, I'm aware that I have the choice to look back at every single one of them and look for - and see - what I learned from each one of them because there is something there. Apparently, we've shared some experience with choosing people that it was never going to work. They were unavailable, you were unavailable. However, there's still something else at a person's essence that is going to draw us into their life. Choosing to look at what that was or what the good parts were that came into our life as a result. It's not always, like I said, in the moment. With some things, it's years later, weeks later. Daily though, I now have started to implement this in a way that if I notice that I'm getting really upset at somebody or something, or something's really annoying me, then I will take a step back. If I notice the same thing annoying me repeatedly, I take a step back and go, why is that bothering me? Why is that person doing that bothering me? Where is it maybe showing up for me? Where am I doing it? Because I have a belief that in order for us to perceive something in our space in our world, it has to exist on some level within us first. If I'm mad at somebody for not taking care of themselves and drinking water, it can be as simple as, "Oh, have I been doing-- where am I putting off my self-care to do something else?" That comes up because I'm constantly telling my partner that he needs to make sure he takes time to eat at work and take care of himself and sit down for five minutes. Then after repeated times of doing that, I tend to step back and go, oh, I have been going and going and going for three days now, unless my head has hit the pillow and I'm tired - I get to stop. Then not looking at it as a reason to beat myself up that, "Oh, Amanda, you weren't taking care of yourself," but take it as an opportunity of, "Oh, now I see this, and I have an opportunity to make a different choice and choose what I want and what's going to support me." Vicki: Thank you so much and thank you for being here. As we wrap up, I just want to comment that you were so open about your life and this topic of regret and where it fits, and what you've learned. I appreciate it so much. If my audience appreciates it and likes it, please leave a comment, and a review, and a like. Email me at info@Vickidawn.com if you have questions or you want to comment further. I always put on the table for my guests to talk about a program or a service that they provide and maybe a link, either your email or website or Facebook page, something you want to share if you'd like. Amanda: Yes. As mentioned, I am both a realtor and founder of The Daily Dance, and The Daily Dance is where I share right now on Facebook. It literally is The Daily Dance is the Facebook page name or Instagram @thatrealestatemama. If you're a mom, The Daily Dance has a private group, The Daily Dance of Motherhood, where we go into a little bit of a deeper dive. As of the recording of this, I have a launch date for a podcast for The Daily Dance to share even more of this with people. You can go to The Daily Dance at Facebook and get more information on that that will be launching in March. Vicki: I love that. I experience you as so supportive and so connected. I'm sure that that topic of motherhood, there was times when I was a young mother that I felt so isolated and alone. Providing that place for people to come together and really-- They don't come with the manual, do they? [laughs] Amanda: No. Vicki: They do not tell you exactly what they need. A lot of the time it's a guessing game. I really value that you're providing that for mothers. Thank you, Amanda. Amanda: The permission to fail forward, because that is the only way that you learn with those little people and imperfect that this is also about regret and forgiveness because you're going to mess up. [laughs] Vicki: Wow. [crosstalk] Amanda: The ability to be able to just take the next step and learn from it and keep moving is invaluable. Vicki: It really is. Again, thank you so much for being here. To my guests, as we wrap up and say goodbye, thank you so much for being here. Remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.

Summary: What leads to self-doubt, fear and hesitation in relationships? Over-depending on others and not having a clear sense of self or the confidence to take care of you. Especially when taking care of you conflicts with what someone else wants. In this episode I share some of my own journey – mistakes and wins. If you relate to fear of not being good enough, fear you can't make up for your past, or fear of missing out – we call that self-centered fear in the program – this show is for you. This fear can produce anxiety and grip tight, but you can learn to let it go. I'm excited you're here and thank you for listening. Welcome to Episode 27 – Stop - Listen at Your Dependency Risk. That is a bold statement to make, "my dependency risk." You may feel one of two things. One, "I'm not dependent. What are you talking about?" Or two, "Yes, I know I am hopelessly dependent." In response to the first, "I'm not dependent," yes, you are. We all are. We depend on air to breathe, food to power our bodies, and people in our life to partner with for various reasons. You're dependent on your grocer to process your meat, (who wants to do that, right?) truckers to transport your supplies and merchants to sell you goods and services. I took all that for granted, but it's true. If you had the second response, "Yes, I'm hopelessly dependent. I don't have a backbone to speak of. I accommodate others over myself and couldn't ask for a need to be met if I could even identify it. I'm so used to being invisible, I can barely see myself." What does this have to do with living the life you dream of? Most of us live between these two extremes. We resist healthy dependencies or deny them, or we over-rely on others to do for us what we can do for ourselves. I am here to tell you; I've spent a fair amount of time visiting both extremes. Here's the experience I had. I got clean and sober and right behind that came my unrealistic dependency on others to meet my needs and provide my happiness. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my mom also had a gambling problem, so faulty forms of dependency were definitely modeled for me. In new recovery-- and remember I was 21, I turned 22 2 months after I got clean and sober. In new recovery, I made a lot of mistakes and many of the same ones we all make. I made decisions I wasn't ready for out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of not making up for my past, fear of not being good enough after all. How that showed up for me is I depended on others that didn't have the resources to be there for me. Then, I got stuck in the loop of forcing myself to accept unacceptable behavior, to make excuses for myself and others, for not making waves, not speaking up, not making clear choices to take care of myself. I became smaller and smaller, angrier and angrier, and I stuffed it - along with depressed, sad, and lonely. I looked for validation outside myself, and even when that was present, I discounted it and explained it away out of self-doubt. I never had a strong sense of self, and I lost touch with what I had learned in new recovery. I married my second husband who I met while he was in a halfway house and who was smoking pot when I was a year and a half clean. I maintained my sobriety and being clean throughout that marriage, which lasted eight years. I already had a daughter, and I had three more children during that eight-year time span, and my fifth and last child was born two months after I ended the relationship. So I know about dependency and being miserable when clean and not being able to accept the simple fact that who I'm married didn't have the personal resources to be present because he was ill. And that it was okay for me to take care of myself. Why would I get married and stay for eight years? One, I lacked the clear sense of self. Even after working the Steps, having a sponsor, and going to three to five meetings a week, which I continued throughout that relationship. I had experiences in my past that I had not truly forgiven. I had learned to live clean, but I had no idea and did not understand the way those experiences shaped my personality and how I still operated from feelings of unworthiness and not being lovable. It required professional help to resolve my feelings around these issues. The program isn't designed to heal this type of injury, so please, if you can relate so far and haven't, get the help you need. Our addictions are bigger than us and so are some of these other issues. Three, I didn't know what I wanted. How could I? I didn't know who I was or what I was capable of, so I operated as if I knew based on what I thought others would think was the way to be. I continually looked outside myself for cues on how to feel and act. The more I focused on others, outside myself, the crazier I felt. What changed? I reached another bottom, one that allowed me to leave that relationship and start again. One where I was able to set aside that deep guilt and fear I experienced whenever I took care of me over what someone else wanted. One where I was able to deepen my understanding of myself and focus on what was important to me, my recovery, my family, and building a life that was independent and fulfilling, a life that would be better for my kids. I so wanted a life that would be better for my kids. Did I succeed? Well, the jury is still out, but I know I've made progress, and it took a long time. I've made lots of mistakes, and it's a journey. The promises do come true - sometimes quickly and sometimes slowly - and in my case - slowly. My favorite saying, I've said before is: Before it's time, you can't force it; when it's time, you can't stop it. No matter how much I wished it different, my progress was slow. I had many periods where I felt like I was in the hallway waiting for a door to open and now I can see that those periods of time were preparation, learning, time for reflection, for deepening that understanding of my spiritual life and myself and how the two relate. So what changed? The biggest barrier to my growth was that I knew it all. Just like before I surrendered and got clean - when I knew it all. That story I just told you was based all on hindsight. At that time, I knew it all. I wasn't teachable, and I was not responsible. All the misery in my life was someone else's fault, and I could pretend to be okay. I was a victim after all, "If he would just change, if he would just get better, if they would just give me these opportunities." Sound familiar? True powerlessness over myself. Socrates said, "You don't know what you don't know." I've learned that to grow and have different experiences, I have to be open, open to what I don't know I don't know. Sound confusing? There is knowledge that I know I know. For example, I know how to reconcile a checkbook. Then there is knowledge I know I don't know. For example, I don't know how to build an airplane. As a human being, I look for answers in those two places, what I know and what I know I don't know - but could learn. My true growth comes from another place, what Socrates referenced, "I don't know what I don't know." This is where when I learn it, it feels like I already knew it and forgot. It makes perfect sense when I see it. It is mystery and is often what I call divine intelligence as grace. My perception is altered, something is lost - a belief that wasn't true or based on part truth, but I gain clarity and I feel enriched. It's where I want to play now. You may be thinking that's a great philosophy, Vicki. How do I apply it? One, develop that very clear sense of self. When you're confused, start with what you know you don't want, because we can sure identify, I always could, what I don't want. The opposite of that is a good place to look for what I do want. Get to know yourself at your core. Practice self-love, you are lovable, you are worthy, you are wise and generous. If you don't believe it, practice it. Look in the mirror, practice it, practice it till you believe it. Trust yourself to be on your own side and prove it by taking action. If you can't be there for you, you can't expect anybody else to be there for you. Ask for help and become teachable. Find your tribe, people who want what you do and will hold you accountable to what you say you want. Then claim it, let it happen the way it is going to happen, not necessarily the way you would have it happen. There's a difference. I've learned skills along the way - to be assertive, to be kind, to be curious, and ask questions rather than jump to conclusions. To realize I don't know. A lot of times, I don't even know what I don't know, to quote Socrates once again. I think I know how someone feels, and I think I know someone else's motives, and I just don't, so now I ask. But most important, it's to take ownership, "My life is a result of my decisions and actions, not anybody else's." I have a newsletter I would love for you to have access to, find it at https;//linktr.ee/vickidawn. What can you take away from today's discussion that you can implement for yourself? What is one small step that you can take to be sure that you have healthy boundaries? Not walls erected to keep everyone out, but more like fences you can see over, others can see you, and there are gates where you can let others in. Remember it's the small steps added together that creates a big shift. Thank you for being here today. If you enjoyed the show, please like, and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Send them to info@vickidawn.com. Goodbye, and remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.

Summary: As a woman in recovery from addiction for 45 years I know about self-doubt, fear and hesitation. This session explores common feelings and struggles in long term sobriety that women can feel embarrassed to admit, but once they do and shift their perceptions – the results are amazing. They experience happiness, joy, independence and confidence, and renewed interest in their relationships. Hi, everyone. Self-doubt, fear, and hesitation versus confidence, trust, and taking bold action. Do you find yourself almost crippled by self-doubt sometimes? I know I have. How does it show up for you? Do you have conversations with your partner, and you know they're lying, but you doubt yourself? Do you notice that your boss said they support you? Of course, they do - but didn't take action to protect you from that office bully you talk to them about - and then you doubt yourself. Do you promise yourself you will exercise and diet and hesitate at that moment of implementation telling yourself, I don't know how - it's too hard? Do you often listen to the words you and others speak and when the actions don't match - you doubt yourself and stop short of acknowledging that what they are doing is the real story? Action does speak louder than words, but not to us. Our words of doubt are so loud. We can't hear the action. Today's show is how women in recovery from alcoholism or drugs show up in relationships with others and themselves that stops their spiritual growth, so get your coffee, sit back and let's get started. I'm talking to you if you've been in recovery for a number of years, you've worked the steps, you go to meetings, you do all the other things that maintains your sobriety. You've cleared that wreckage from your past, and you had that spiritual experience, knowing that you are free from the debilitating compulsion to use. You've rebuilt your life, repaired relationships, you have a stable job or a lifestyle of choice that allows you to remain clean. And you know there's more. You don't know what. You feel restless sometimes, or you've had a setback in relationships or with your finances. You go through the steps again, you talk about it with your sponsor, again. You pray about it. You turn it over; you keep doing the things that you do. You've fallen into overthinking, tolerating, and adjusting, but you don't have words to describe it till now. I've been there. I've been in recovery for 45 years and I love what the program has done for me. I'm grateful for my growth. I've been in Al-Anon for just about as long, so I'm a double winner, and I believe that's true. I'd often be trying so hard and come to this empty place inside where I didn't know what to do. I kept doing what I was doing. It wasn't giving me the happiness and freedom I wanted, but it was better than going back to using. Can you relate? If so, you suffer from what I now know is a powerful judge, a judge that interprets all your experiences through a faulty lens. I've learned that I don't know what I don't know. I don't know the questions to ask. I don't know how to achieve the happiness I see in others I compare myself to, and that really showed up in relationships for me. I was married once while using and divorced right before I got clean, actually. The second time I was clean just over a year. Then again, I married for the third time when I was clean 21 years. We're still together, 24 years later while it's been a bumpy ride sometimes and not perfect, I wouldn't trade a day of it. In between that second and third marriage, I was a single parent with five kids for 11 years. During that time, I went through several cycles of meeting someone, starting a relationship, and having it all fall apart. The longest, I think was 3 years. I would go from hopeful to crushed, full of despair, beating myself up, hating myself, wondering what I did wrong, what was wrong with me? This pain-filled cycle felt punishing and further fueled my self-doubt. Two things were in play for me, although I didn't know it at the time. Hindsight is 2020, especially when you clean up that lens and you're looking at things with a new perspective. One, while in a relationship, I didn't know how to connect, ask for what I needed, or believe that someone wanted to love and support me. I didn't trust myself to act if this relationship wasn't for me. I didn't trust myself to take care of me because what I did, what we already talked about was - I accommodated, I adjusted, I questioned my judgment instead of trusting my gut. I watched for signs the relationship was ending. I was insecure and worried; my focus was outside myself - on them. What were they doing? What did they want? How could I adjust so that they would be happy? Co-dependent? For sure. Number two, I didn't know how to discover what was inside me that was causing this cycle to repeat over and over. I didn't have self-awareness. That's the real solution, finding what's inside that generates that experience that kept repeating and repeating and repeating, deepening my despair and deepening my self-doubt. Albert Einstein said, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." We know that in the program. We know that. We've learned that when we got cleaned up, we thought we knew everything, and we found out we didn't have a clue. Those steps that didn't apply to me, they sure applied to me. Those steps that wouldn't change my life, changed my life. As much as my sponsors and friends in the program supported me during these years, they didn't know the questions either. They often got caught up in the story with me and did not ground me in the truth. I'm not saying they didn't try. I also probably couldn't hear it. What to do? What do you want in your relationships - start there. It sounds simplistic and it's true. Most answers are simple. It's our complicated overthinking mind that wants to make it a bigger deal than it really is. Start there. You may have been given advice in the past about writing out the qualities you want in a partner. I'm suggesting you write the qualities you want to experience in your life first, who do you want to be and work on that. It's called your vision for your life. Do you want to feel loved, be autonomous and independent, supported, nurtured, cherished, confident, trust your partner, be on a journey together, and have that sense of partnership? Do you want to experience mutual respect and support each other's goals? Do you want to be courageous and take bold action in your life? I thought I was capable of that kind of relationship, but how I was showing up was looking to protect myself from hurt, dependent on outside validation, clingy, fearful, and insecure. In other words, self-centered. Ouch! That's so hard to admit, but it was the first step. Being honest with what I was bringing to the party. Learn to meditate. I did a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer, a lot of prayer. I didn't ever get real quiet and still and meditate even though the 11th step is quite clear, "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with a power greater than myself." A power that may have the answers that are lacking, a source that may have some insight into who I am and how I'm showing up, and what I could do to shift that. Take the time to go deeper into your motives, gain clarity on who you are because you can't shift from that space until you've defined it. Until you have the words to define your experience. You notice I didn't use the word change. to me change means I'm not enough, something I'm doing or experiencing isn't right. It's not enough. It's wrong. That's coming from a place of lack. If I start from that place that I am enough already, just as I am, it gives me space to become aware through meditation. Remember. Become aware, see a new possibility, and take an action that aligns with what I want to experience, back to that life vision. Do I want to experience love, joy, and happiness? Get support, seek women who have asked the questions and found the answers, women who have what you want. We said that in the beginning about our recovery. Stick with people that have what you want. That's still true. Find fellow seekers who are on that deeper journey. They'll lift you up and in turn, you'll lift up others. Let me check in with you. What do you think is possible in your life? Pause, ask yourself, what is possible if I truly felt confident trusting and took that bold action? Would you experience joy? Would you start that new business, get that degree, change that job? Would you connect with your family and not talk at them but have a connection and really hear what they're trying to say and be able to express back your deepest vulnerabilities to those you love. Really have a bridge and not just talking heads, talking at each other, and not getting anywhere. That's at stake and that's what's available to you. What can you take away from today's show? Can you do one small shift, open your mind to the idea that you may have it wrong, that there may be answers you need in places that you've rejected them? How about starting with listing what you want in life and be with that? Just be with that and let it breathe. If you like this show, sign up for my newsletter at https;//tinyurl.com/vickidawnnewsletter. I'd love to have you. As I close the show remember - you create your beautiful life one moment - one step at a time.

Summary: Empowerment is made up of acceptance, trust, courage, humility and being open. These ways of being bring clarity and allow me to feel confident and take bold action. Empowerment is not control, it is letting control go and seeking for the outcome that will happen if I try to control or not. If you feel powerless check if you are over identifying with a personality trait. Stop saying I am and say I'm experiencing instead. Hello and welcome to Episode 25, Empowerment. This is a fascinating topic. I'm excited you're here, and thank you so much for listening. What is empowerment? What's the goal? Why do we want to feel empowered? Anyway, for me, the goal of empowerment is to feel strong and secure enough and safe so that I know that whatever is going on in my life I can handle it. I can feel confident, and I can cope. I want to be stable, resilient, and when life's challenges come, which they do, I want to be able to face them with some equanimity. Is empowerment the same as control? No. I assert control when I feel the most powerless. The more powerless I feel, the more I try to control that person, place, or thing, that something in my life that I find unacceptable. This can lead me to manipulation, trying to control that person, place, or thing, trying to stop something from happening. It's an effort to protect myself from failure, disappointment, getting hurt, and it's natural. I want to stress that I think this is very natural, and it's our first fallback position. It may even work in the short term, but it's never the way to build the connections that I really want, and it's not the best place to make decisions from. For example, I recently wanted to control the outcome of a decision in a committee that I belong to, and it was about control. I wanted to be right that the company I wanted to hire was the best company and the other committee members wanted to hire somebody else. When I felt that impulse to control, I paused and checked inside and said, "How important is it?" In this case, it wasn't that important. I want to say sometimes it is, but in this case, it wasn't. That outcome of that decision didn't reflect on me as a person at all because in that case, I didn't need to be the smartest or know the best choice, I can let the group decide. What stops empowerment? When I come from my ego or when I believe my identity in my changing emotions or circumstances is who I am, over-identifying with a personality trait or belief. For example, if I say, and I've done this a lot in my life, if I say I'm an anxious person when it comes to money, I get anxious when my finances are low, I can't help it. It's just who I am. If you listen carefully, what I'm saying is a lot of negatives. I'm telling myself I can't help it. I'm telling myself that being anxious is me. It's who I am. It's an excuse to become anxious when my finances are low. These comments cause me to focus on my anxiety, then I feel like I'm in crisis. The finance problem is too big to handle, and my thinking and feelings continue to spiral out to control. I pull away from my partner. I worry. I become convinced I can't be happy until this situation is over. What happens if I were to focus on the solution instead and tell myself I am experiencing anxiety about my finances. Words are important. Words put a distance between me, my identity, and my experience of anxiety. Experience is something that passes. Who I am is a part of me. If that's my position - I am an anxious person, then I argue to be right about it and no one can tell me any different. I can even say, "I don't want to be anxious about this," but I still will unconsciously argue to be right that I am an anxious person. It's part of our human condition to find meaning in events, so be careful what meaning you assign to who you are. Be careful of how you describe you. Try saying, "This is an experience." I can do the same with anger, depression, fear. The more I over-identify with a specific feeling or a problem, the harder it gets to detach and take an objective view of myself as a healthy, capable, and competent human being. When I judge a situation or a person as wrong, I lose my power. My power comes from letting life unfold, letting the divine intelligence map out my life, and trusting that no matter the appearances, I'm capable of walking through whatever is in my life in the moment. We talk about "being in today" a lot in our program. Not being in the past, not being in the future. I had a podcast not too long ago about "review the past, plan the future”, don't live in the past or the future. I have a favorite saying in my life, "Before it's time, you can't force it. When it's time, you can't stop it." I'd save myself lots of effort trying harder, trying from another angle, trying to convince, cajole, maneuver, or explain if I just remembered that. Before we continue, I want to take a brief break. I have a biweekly blog and email I would love you to have access to. You can find it at my Linktree, https;//linktr.ee/vickidawn. Sign up today, I'd love you to get access. Back to our show on empowerment. What gives you empowerment? For me, feeling empowered is a choice, and it begins with clarity, cultivating awareness of my direction, what I want in life, and what I truly value. I can be honest about the deeper needs that I have, that I want to feel safe, secure, to be understood, and I want to belong to something greater than myself. Intuitively I know that focusing on material goods is about me and focusing on how I show up in life is where happiness comes from, but it's easy to lose sight of that when times are tough or setbacks happen. Then we just want it to be over and experience the good things in life, and that goes back to the expectation that I shouldn't have problems and comparing myself to others who I think don't have problems. Because I'm looking at their outsides and comparing my insides, doesn't help. For me, it's about five things. Number one, being willing to walk through the tough times with as much grace as I do the good times, so acceptance. Number two, using my support system, letting others be there, so knowing what I need, and trusting. Number three, taking action, not based on making something go away but that I'm bringing into my life what is good for everyone involved, so courage. Number four, recognizing I could be wrong, so being humble. Number five, being open, knowing that my knowledge is limited, and I see only my own perceptions and pain. There's a bigger story being written, and clarity will come. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? What is one small step you can take to empower yourself? Will it be willingness, acceptance, trusting, courage, or humility, or a combination? Remember, it's the small steps added together that create a big shift. Thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience, so keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. Goodbye, and until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.

Summary: I explore how resistance to what is and other attitudes creates stress and how various daily practices can alleviate it. I've found that I often just adjust and tolerate stress rather than actually deal with it effectively. It seems to be socially acceptable, and even a badge of honor to be stressed out because we work so hard or have such a demanding schedule. Here are simple ways to do small things that can make a big difference! Sign up for my email list to receive access to my bi-weekly blog here: https://linktr.ee/vickidawn Welcome to episode 24, Digging Deeper Into Stress and Daily Practices. I'm your host, Vickidawn, and welcome. I've done several podcasts with guests, and I plan to return to that next year. I'm updating my topic schedule and looking for guests that will inspire you. Today's topic, digging deeper into stress and daily practices is a result of our last podcast discussion - Review the Past and Plan the Future and What About Stress. We talked about how living in the past or future and how our thoughts trigger stress and the effects of that on our body mind and our brains. We identified how living in the past or future is a coping mechanism when we want to escape our present moment. First - stress management strategy - don't try to think your way out of stress. You can't always control circumstances or people, but you can control your response to them. Let me ask you, how do you handle yourself? What do you do in the moment when your child is having a tantrum or you have a job interview that's scaring you, it's something you really want, or you look at the finances and there's more going out than coming in? If you're like most of us - like me, you simply carry on, you do what's in front of you in the moment, and stuff your feelings of fear, frustration, sadness, or anger down. Stuffing our feelings is a form of resistance, resisting the present moment what is. We do the best we can, but there are experiences we would really rather not experience. A toothache, a flare-up of your diabetes, a child in trouble at school again. Living in the moment isn't always pleasant, is it? What can we do? Consciously, let go of resistance. This doesn't mean you have to like what is happening, but you remove the resistance that comes from telling yourself that it shouldn't be happening, whether it should or shouldn't happen is irrelevant because it is happening. We let go of the expectation that we shouldn't experience problems. After all, what is a problem? In his book Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, Oliver Burkeman defines a problem as simply something that demands that you address yourself to it. It isn't a personal attack or a plot to ruin you. It's just something in your life to address. Sometimes you do need to change the environment and use problem-focused coping. This involves taking the steps to remove the stressor from your life as opposed to changing how you feel about the stressor. We focus a lot on time management in our culture and I've done it in my past, in my career, and in my life in general daily thinking I should get more done, I should be more productive, more effective, whatever the comment is to myself. I'd like to talk today about agreement management instead. Every action you take during your day is an agreement either with someone else or with yourself. Instead of agreeing to everything, start saying, "Thank you for thinking of me. Let me think about it and then do." Think about it. Define for yourself what is pushing yourself 10% outside your comfort zone. What does that look like? If the request is pushing you 30%, consider saying no. There may be times that you do in the short term want to push yourself further outside your comfort zone than 10%, but I'm talking about if this is a chronic problem for you - stop. We do want to grow and contribute and we get to manage our agreements in a way that we aren't creating - stressed out. This can be especially difficult for people-pleasers or those that feel they have to earn love and acceptance because they will agree to so much more than what they can do. Another problem-focused coping skill is to have support. Ask for it. Accept it. Don't try to do everything on your own. Controllers may feel especially challenged by this because they tell themselves if they don't do it, it won't get done right or it won't get done at all. Practice letting others do it. To let someone else do something their way is to allow them dignity and respect. As the proverb goes, if you want to go fast go alone, but if you want to go far go together. Stress relievers can also focus on changing your emotions. That's probably the ones that we think of most often. Some simple stress relievers that you can do anywhere, and they take very little practice to master include hugs. Yes, hugs. They release oxytocin which reduces blood pressure and can produce a sense of relaxation. Aromatherapy has the benefit of making you feel energized or relaxed or present. Research is suggesting that certain scents can actually alter your brainwave activity and decrease stress hormones. You could do a creative activity, drawing, painting, or coloring. Adult color books with complex geometric patterns can be especially relaxing, I have several. Or try crocheting or knitting. These creative outlets are meditative in nature. Journaling is a practice that brings out the emotions we may stuff. It allows us to examine our thinking and become present to our inner dialogue. From here, you can recognize how that inner dialogue is either supporting you or dragging you down. Long-term stress relief strategies can include exercise and eating a well-balanced diet, hiking, swimming, or biking may fit your lifestyle. Try meditation using some apps if you aren't comfortable doing it on your own. Make time for leisure. Hobbies like gardening, camping, or quilting are calming. We can all create a list because we know that these are good for us. Let's dig deeper into why we don't do them. We form habits based on how we learn to survive as kids and as we grew and experience things that either we found pleasant or not pleasant. This results in coping mechanisms, the one that underlies all our habits is our beliefs. What we tell ourselves is true about our world and the people in it. Learning to challenge your beliefs is central to reducing stress because it allows you to develop a positive self-talk habit. You form a kinder inner dialogue about yourself and others. Perhaps this sounds like way too much to do, but as you know, I focus on small steps you can take. Here are three. When you catch yourself judging someone, your partner didn't take out the trash again, for example, you say to yourself something like this, "He never does what I ask, he doesn't care about me. He doesn't listen." Stop. Ask yourself, is that true? How do you know? Where is it not true? Start to be willing to be wrong about your judgments. And I promise you have judgments, and I promise that if you start to examine them, ask and challenge them, you can change your life. Number two, when you tell yourself you can't do something because you don't know how or that it's too hard, ask yourself, is that true? Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not. When it is, ask yourself, "Okay, so who can support me?" Number three, when you make a mistake and call yourself stupid, dumb a loser, or worthless, stop and mentally give yourself a hug and say, "It's all right, I unconditionally love you and we will get through this." There is no way to be perfect. Clean up your mistake and move on. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? What is one small step that you can take to consciously cope with your stress in a new way? Will it be a problem-focused coping skill or will you find ways to change how you feel about your stressors or maybe both? Again, I want to thank you so much for being here and listening today. If you've enjoyed this show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience so send them to info@vickydawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. You can find links to my social media on my website, vickidawn.com. And goodbye until next time. Remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time.

Summary: I discuss causes of stress and its impact on our lives, mental health, and even our brains. Living in the past or future is a coping mechanism to avoid the uncomfortable elements of the present, but it has a high cost. We know about fight or flight and the physical consequences yet many of us still just cope with it rather than implement changes that can be effective. It starts with our thinking. Listen to hear more. Hello. Welcome to episode 23, review the past, plan the future, and what about stress? I'm your host vickidawn. Today, I'd like to invite each of you to sign up for my newsletter. https://vickidawn.aweb.page/vickidawn-Newsletter21 I have discussions on my podcast topics from different perspectives and different angles, both in the blog and in the newsletter. I send them biweekly, alternating weeks with my podcast. Today's topic, review the past and plan the future, and what about stress, is a good tool nearing year-end, but it's most useful every day and let me explain. Have you ever been so preoccupied with yesterday's fight with your partner or boss that you aren't doing what needs to be done today? How about so excited for an upcoming vacation that you aren't present to your family today? That's called living in the past or future. It is distinct from review and plan.  When we're reviewing and planning, that's intentional and deliberate. When we're living in the past or future, we can feel so immersed, it's almost as if we're still there, or, we're projecting ourselves to a future place that we think we want to get to. We may ruminate and replay the fight over and over in our mind or daydream and picture laying on that perfect beach.  Living in the past or future is a coping mechanism. When we want to escape the present. We feel stressed or we might feel bored, or we might feel uncomfortable. We all juggle, family, home, and our commitments and we have issues or setbacks in life, in our relationships, maybe in our finances or our health. We experience these as stressful. We all know there's good stress, but I'm focusing on the stress that comes from perceiving a threat. We want to resist a perceived threat. We want to be safe of course. That resistance is what causes the stress. It is triggered, and parts of our brain where stress lives are activated. The survivor brain is made up of the brain stem, the limbic system, and parts of the left brain. Stress is only experienced when this region of the brain is activated. According to Kendra Cherry, (article “5 Surprising Ways that Stress Affects Your Brain”, https://www.verywellmind.com/surprising-ways-that-stress-affects-your-brain-2795040) experiencing chronic stress goes beyond damage to our mind and body that is generated in the fight or flight response. We've all heard a lot about that. Stress can also have a serious impact on the brain itself. Chronic stress increases mental illness like depression and anxiety because chronic stress results in long-term changes to our brains. Other negative effects include shrinking the brain size, changing its structure, killing brain cells, and hurting your memory. It would seem that with the understanding we have today on the negative effects of stress, that we would know how to - and want to - trigger the relaxation response and would use practices like meditation, breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, or yoga but do we? That's the question. I'd suggest that there is another layer. What triggers stress? We already talked about the brain activation of stress and how stress is triggered at the focus level, not being present by living in the past or the future or by our physical response in fight or flight. Stress is also triggered at the thought level. This is important because every day we have millions of, I think I say something like 90,000 thoughts a day but I could be wrong. (update: studies have previously cited around 70,000, a more recent study in 2020 cited 6,000)  But it is our thought level that triggers most of our common everyday stress. The way we talk to ourselves, our judgments about ourselves, about people, places, and things that goes on under our conscious awareness - only all the time. You may think you're different but let your thinking surface and you may be surprised at what you hear. I was. Stress, fear, and anxiety are generated by the resistance that we experience to people, places, and things that our judge has an opinion on. We ramp up our reaction based on what level of drama we enjoy. Some of us - admit it - love big drama, and some of us are self-satisfied because we think our reactions are small compared to those drama Queens and that somehow, we're exempt from those consequences. That's not true. Our bodies react with the same hormones and physiological responses, increased blood pressure, heart rate and changes to digestive functioning, and potential damage to the brain itself. Whether our reaction is the drama queen size or the more quiet, all up in my head type. One of the biggest stressors is when we tell ourselves, I need X to be happy and if Y happens, I will be miserable. Because you can't guarantee success and that you'll get X, you tense up and start all sorts of maneuvers. Manipulating people, depending on how important it is to you, you may obsess over X, you plan, you strive, you devote energy and time to making sure that you get X. You may start "thinking hard." This isn't to say it's wrong to on certain outcomes, do your best to get X. The caveat is you don't need it to be happy. Therefore, you can let the stress go about needing that outcome in order to be happy. We don't think our way into happiness. If we want to be happy, we should hold both X and Y, as acceptable. That would reduce stress. If Y is a consequence we don't want to experience say, losing a job or an important relationship, then you can still find it acceptable because it may lead to a better job. You may get a well-deserved pay increase at the next job, et cetera. All of our futures are uncertain. We often aren't in touch with just how uncertain our futures are, but - even the next 10 minutes - we can't really predict what the next 10 minutes will bring. We've all had those sudden (experiences) we're driving down the road and a car hits us from the side. We're feeling fine in the morning and by evening we have the flu. Our future is uncertain. And because of that, it has as much opportunity to turn out better as it does worse. If you were able to access another part of your brain, let's label it, the Sage. T hat area your brain is located in the middle prefrontal cortex, the empathy circuitry, and parts of your right brain. When you can access that, you're better able to let stress go. This area of the brain provides clearheaded focus, intense, fierce, rigor. It's not lazy to say that it's relaxed and clearheaded, but it's also calm. Your attention is 100% in the present instead of striving and thinking hard and making it happen, you use gentle contemplation, openness, and you trust yourself to deal with whatever situations that come up. You know you have your best interest and those that you love and care about at heart, and that you will act in your and their best interest. For stress management strategy, don't try to think your way out of stress. How often do we do that on? Especially if you have a mental personality type that tends to analyze. We really like to think about it. Let me think about that. That's not the best solution. Your sage brain will have you in the present moment. To access it, try breathing exercises, meditation, massage Tai chi, or other techniques. It's common. I hear it, and I've done it - to dismiss these techniques as being over simplistic. That couldn't be further from the truth. The lie that you and I tell ourselves there is that it takes some big cure to deal with my brand of stress because it's so much bigger and difficult to control than someone else's. The truth is that the parasympathetic nervous system predominates in quiet rest and digest conditions. It affects multiple organs including the heart and lungs. It is in your best interest to access it often and especially when experiencing stress. So back to review the past and plan the future. What can you take away from today's discussion to implement? We know my show is based on small steps that you can take - small changes that can lead to a big impact in your life. This I promise you creates a huge impact. It's so worth it to spend time learning to meditate. But what is one small step you can take to consciously address your stress in a new way? Will it be meditation or breathing or one of the other techniques? Take a moment to pick one and be open to trying it out. Thank you so much for being here today. If you enjoyed the show please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com. Tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. You can find my links to social media at my website vickidawn.com. Goodbye. Until next time. Remember - you create your beautiful life one moment and one step at a time. Bye now.

Summary: This show provides tips to keep your self-worth in your relationship. It is about focusing and celebrating what works, and finding ways to work through those times that are difficult. Our own Self-worth determines so much, so continually taking time for self-care and loving ourselves is the foundation for the rest to follow. Hello, and welcome to Tiny Changes Big Shifts Episode 22. Maintaining Self-Worth in your Relationships. The first question that comes to mind is why do I lose confidence in my relationships in the first place? Every relationship is different, of course, but our own level of self-esteem provides the base for us to operate in relationships from. If I have low self-esteem, I may seek my partner's approval too often and become overly dependent on them. I may neglect my social life and lose sight of who I am. Low self-esteem gives rise to jealousy and insecurity. When our partners have low self-esteem too, then the issue is doubled. To determine if you are losing yourself in your relationship, ask yourself some of these questions: Do you feel guilty when you do the things that you love? Are you giving those things up because it makes your partner uncomfortable or vice versa? Do you expect your partner to give up something because you are uncomfortable? Do you seek your partner's approval before making simple decisions that you could and should make autonomously? Do you give up social friends and family time? This can lead to further isolation and feeling dependent. Do you secretly miss the freedom of a single life, and have you given up your own goals and dreams? What is healthy self-worth? That's feeling good about yourself. You see yourself as deserving, respect from others. You are on your own team and give yourself dignity and understanding. Healthy self-esteem is learning to like and respect yourself, faults and all. Alternatively, with low self-esteem, you place little value on your opinions and ideas. You may often say, “Well, I don't care”. If somebody says, "Where do you want to go eat?" "I don't care. You decide." "Where do you want to go on vacation?" "I don't care." If you say I don't care a lot, check in with yourself, learn to identify what you do want, and express it now and then even if it doesn't matter in the moment so much, don't give yourself away all the time. You may worry that you're not good enough. With healthy self-esteem, you're assertive and you express your needs. You're confident in your abilities, you form secure and honest relationships, you're realistic in your expectations, you're resilient and you're better able to cope with stress. Without it, you can experience depression, risky behavior, tolerate abusive treatment, and have a nagging sense of failure. What factors do shape our self-esteem? As we grow our beliefs about ourselves are formed from interactions with those close to us, parents, peers, teachers. While positive feedback contributes to healthier esteem, and criticism, teasing, or feeling devalued by others can lead to poor self-esteem. It's important to note that other factors contribute too. A large part is based on our own interpretations of those interactions, the stories we tell ourselves. Someone with a filter to perceive negativity over positivity will end up interpreting, it is because they aren't worthy. While someone with a filter to perceive positively will still be impacted, but won't doubt their worth as much. It's also important to note here that trauma that's not addressed or is left unhealed can lead to chronic failings of not good enough. So please get help for that. How critical is self-worth and what does it do for you? Low self-esteem is often the cause, not the effect, the cause of financial, relational, and physical hardships. Our self-esteem is our filter for all our interactions with others. It leads to decisions that impact our success, our relationships, our happiness. With it, you are open to learning and feedback and you feel secure. With it, we can feel confident, we are worth success and happiness. Without it, even when we experience success, we don't feel worthy and are afraid it will be taken away. That becomes a self-fulling prophecy, and it erodes our happiness. Here are tips to maintain your self-esteem while in your relationships. Express appreciation for big and more important, the small thing your partners does. Give compliments. Lots of them. Tell them how amazing, smart, sexy, funny, and talented they are. Be a little self-centered. Recognize that you are awesome and deserve the things your partner does for you. He's not doing you a favor. He's doing it because he loves you. Learn something together. You'll have a shared experience. Support each other, be your partner's cheerleader. Help each other conquer a fear. Be affectionate, express your feelings, and never miss an opportunity to have your partner feel loved and supported. And call each other out. Tackle the negative thoughts your partner may experience from time to time, ask him to help you tackle yours. We all have times when we don't believe in ourselves, when our self-esteem is impacted, we've had a setback at work, we've failed at something, and those ugly thoughts surface. Put them on the table, talk them out, get support. Challenge your beliefs, pause, and reflect. Here are 3 of 10 thoughts and beliefs people with high self-esteem have, written by Michael Stanwyck. One, it's not about what happens. It's about how I respond to what happens. They remember that they are only responsible for their own feelings, thoughts, and actions. They don't stay stuck in victim or spend too much time on what's “wrong” - right now, they know that their judgments are not necessarily correct. Two, I do what love and I love what I do. They put their needs first. They know they can only love and help others to the extent that they love and help themselves. They look for win-win situations. Three, they know - I see myself in others. Self-worth requires a belief that the world is like a mirror. If someone is judging you, it's because you are reflecting a part of them that they have not yet accepted. Self-worthy people are thankful for the challenging people in their lives because they see them as opportunities to learn more about themselves. As we know, my show is based on small changes that lead to big shifts. To maintain your self-worth in your relationships, think worthy thoughts and take worthy actions. Here are a few. For those of us in recovery, a big one is to ask for help, be open, talk about it, let people in, be aware of, and cut back on how many times you say, I'm sorry. Save it for when you truly need to apologize. Learn healthier ways to communicate and use them when there's conflict. The biggest one, in my opinion - cultivate a sense of autonomy. Be okay with yourself and independent in your thinking, express yourself, but also let others fully express themselves. Listen, especially when there is conflict. Remember that you bring you in relationship, and they bring them. Don't wait and expect someone else to make you happy. You may think, "Yes, I know that" - but where does that knowledge go when your partner or kids track mud into the house, don't load the dishwasher when asked or say an unkind thing to you. Then you may believe your anger is justified even though it's based on an expectation that someone would behave in a way you want, and "that would make you happy". Check out my website vickidawn.com, for my programs and coaching packages. Thank you so much for listening in today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love emails from my audience. Keep sending them to info@vickidawn.com, tell me what matters to you. I want to provide content that makes a difference to you. For now, goodbye and until next time, remember, you create your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time.

  Summary: Mary has long term recovery and works as a LADC licensed addiction councilor for the center for drugs and alcohol and works as on-call chaplain. She leads spirituality groups with persons in recovery. Our discussion on procrastination is a response to stress because of a lack of clarity. It also is a response to anxiety and uncertainty, or not knowing the next steps to take. Whether it is a response to calling a bill collector, having a difficult conversation, or cleaning house, we all fall into procrastinating something. When it becomes chronic then we may need professional help, but when it is a poor habit, we can correct it by awareness and taking a small action to get motivated. Being willing to look at the deeper reason we procrastinate is key. [00:00:00] Vicky: Hello, Mary. Glad to have you here with me. [00:00:04] Mary Carlson: Hi, Vicky. [00:00:05] Vicky: Great to have you. Can you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about who you are? [00:00:12] Mary: My name is Mary Carlson. I am born and raised in Cloquet, Minnesota and really haven't lived anywhere outside of this area. Right now, I am employed as a casual LADC, licensed addiction counselor for the center for drugs and alcohol. Then also, I work as an on-call chaplain at Essentia Health in Duluth; stay pretty busy. I'm also a woman in recovery, so taking care of my recovery is important to me. I am married. We have a little dog here, her name is Bailey. I have four children; three biological children and one bonus child, I call him. He's our oldest child. We have nine grandchildren. Stay really busy just with life stuff. [00:01:05] Vicky: It sounds like it. Between counseling and your ministry, being a chaplain, that's interesting combination. [00:01:15] Mary: It is. I've actually never worked as a counselor in a field having to do all the work that counselors do because they do a lot of paperwork. When I went to school to become a chaplain, I learned early on that in order to do any kind of a group in a treatment center that I had to be a licensed counselor. That's mainly why I got my license for counseling is because I couldn't do a group without one. The groups that I've done with people for the last 20 years have been primarily spirituality groups, not religious groups; I like to make that clear. I even make that clear to my group because, unfortunately, it seems as if religion is brought up, there's usually an argument. The groups I do with people are more about finding what's in them, the worthiness in them, especially to remain-- like to find a place in sobriety, how to use that part as a strength to keep them going and recovery. [00:02:17] Vicky: Wonderful. Our topic today is procrastination, is it a problem or a response? [laughter] I think for me it can be both, right? First, it's a response and then it becomes the problem, I think. What triggers procrastination for you do you think? [00:02:38] Mary: Different things trigger procrastination for me and different times in life-- sometimes I'll procrastinate-- Well, I guess the biggest thing for me that causes me to procrastinate is not knowing what I'm doing, the fear of not knowing what I'm doing, not being really clear on it. For example, I knit and crochet. If I hit a part in the pattern that I'm not familiar with like I have to do this little mental gymnastics to get myself to pick it up and work through it. The funny thing is, once I get to it and work through it, it's fine. Just getting myself to that place to actually pick it up because I just-- I don't know, there's something about my brain that wants to shut off if I'm not real clear. I've noticed that throughout different situations in my life too. If I'm going to walk into a situation and I don't have a real clear understanding of what's going to happen in that situation, it causes me a little bit of angst. [00:03:38] Vicky: Yes, so connected to lack of clarity and maybe some anxiety around the uncertainty. [00:03:46] Mary: Definitely, yes. I think maybe even a little deeper is thinking that I should be able to just do it all. I should just be able to whip through this knitting, it shouldn't have to be a problem that I have to pay attention. [00:03:57] Vicky: That I think is an important point. We expect so much of ourselves. [00:04:02] Mary: Yes. [00:04:04] Vicky: What feelings cascade from procrastination? [00:04:08] Mary: Mostly, I think dread. I think I could link exhaustion to that because every time that thought comes into my mind that I should be doing it and then I shut it down, it just makes me tired. The funny thing is, I can remember having a lot of procrastinating maybe looking for a different job or talking to somebody that I don't feel like talking to, so finding every single reason I can to put that off. Then I finally come to the point where I have to do it and I do it and I'm like, "Why did I wait so long?" You know? [00:04:57] Vicky: Right. I love that dread feeling that we get, and it's an energy suck, isn't it? [00:04:54] Mary: Yes, huge energy, for sure. [00:04:59] Vicky: What do you observe about yourself and others when they're procrastinating? [00:05:04] Mary: When I procrastinate, I feel like I get into a place where I just sit and spin. I may have one particular issue that I'm procrastinating on but it starts this cascade effect. It's almost at times can be paralyzing depending on what the situation is and how hard I am working on procrastinating because I think that is a conscious effort. It comes to mind, "I don't want to do it, I'm going to put it off to the side," and it keeps bouncing back and you keep putting it off and it bounces back. [00:05:41] Vicky: That spinning, especially as it's something more important and it's looming larger and larger, then I start freezing up on everything. That physical response of fight or flight or freeze; for me, I'll start to be freeze. I think that's in response to, "I would flight if I could. Nowhere to run to, it's coming down the pipe and I see it coming. Oh my God, here we go." Do you find that you procrastinate less as years of your recovery have gone by, or is it still show up frequently? [00:06:18] Mary: I think procrastinate less just because I've learned. In anything that we do, we recognize a pattern. If you start to pay attention-- or I should say, if I start to pay attention, I can usually recognize those patterns. I always tell people, "We don't change anything until we really see it." Sometimes it takes a while to see it, even if it keeps bumping me in the head, you know what I mean? Now I can recognize that as, "Oh, I'm putting something off," you know what I mean? [00:06:52] Vicky: Label it correctly. [00:06:54] Mary: Yes, "I know what this feeling is." [00:06:57] Vicky: Yes, that goes along, I can so relate because it used to be just of a generalized feeling of, "Yuck," and knowing I was wanting to dodge something but not-- like you're saying no clarity of even what I was trying to avoid does like-- [00:07:14] Mary: Yes, or that you were avoiding something. [00:07:16] Vicky: Right, and now to be able to label that. [00:07:19] Mary: It makes me think of the fifth step because I've been talking a lot about the fifth step to people-- not the fifth step, six and seven. Step six and seven, you know the our character defects? So many times for me, my character defect is a reaction. It's like a survival skill to something that's   going on deeper within me. The trick is to recognize that I-- "Oh, yes, anger, sloth," those are a couple of my procrastination character defects. Then going, "Okay, what's deeper? What's deeper than that?" and to start looking a little deeper into what's going on. [00:07:59] Vicky: The motivating factor to want to avoid in the first place. I am afraid of not being good enough? Am I afraid of rejection? Am I afraid of being punished because I made a mistake and that's my belief system, that mistakes get punished or? [00:08:20] Mary: Yes, that deeper intrinsic stuff that we carry that we're not even aware of, it shows up as character defects. [00:08:28] Vicky: Right, on the unconscious level. What tips do you have to deal with anxiety and fear before you're tempted to procrastinate? I'm sure like me you can start to sense it coming, like, "Oh, this is a pattern that I'd like you to talk about. I would normally procrastinate this,"   calling this bill collector or having this difficult conversation with my child or scrubbing the bathroom, which I hate, or whatever. [laughs] [00:08:56] Mary: Whatever, yes. I think it comes down to that same tool again of recognizing that I'm doing it again. Then I guess the other part is being more gentle to myself because I have a tendency to be really cruel to myself because if I'm not doing it right, I'm usually some kind of an idiot, and I have a whole gamut of names I call myself; even becoming aware of that and paying attention to that. [00:09:22] Vicky: You and I have been in recovery for a long time now. I was amazed in the last year in particular how much that judge still operates. [00:09:32] Mary: Oh, huge. [00:09:34] Vicky: Yes. The value of being able to identify it and talk it out with somebody else, to even say, "Hey, there you are. I see you, and I hear what you're saying, and thank you for sharing, but please be quiet now." [00:09:48] Mary: Yes, "Go find something else to do." I think that that judge during this time especially this COVID time, lockdown, and just the last four years, that judge has becomes such a huge part of our culture because there's no gray area left in life anymore; it's either you're right or I'm right. There's no give or take under-- even trying to understand, even with the procrastination stuff is like having some empathy for yourself and some understanding that usually when we procrastinate on doing something, there's an underlying reason. It might be that day that just that I'm being lazy. In a bigger scheme and a bigger picture, there might be something deeper in there that maybe needs some exploring, but to have that kindness to yourself and to recognize that. It's funny because I really-- and maybe I still hang onto that whole belief that life is just supposed to be so hunky-dory and everything's happy and I'm always smiling and life is good. The reality is, life is life and there's probably as much pain in this life as there is good. How do you walk through that, especially when we're in that place of being so cruel to ourselves? How do we have any kind of empathy or mercy for ourselves? [00:11:18] Vicky: I think what I've learned and I think you have too, those are the times to reach out to a friend and get that support. You mentioned not being clear, I can't remember how many times I'd reach out to talk to my mentor and she would say, "Well, you don't have enough information yet," and I was like, "Oh, oh." [00:11:40] Mary: That's the value of having a mentor, a sponsor, someone else in your life. I remember early on when Brené Brown wrote her first book, I went to one of her workshops, and this book was on shame. One of the things she talked about is that we should all have a shame buddy so that when that voice starts out in our head, we can have someone to check it out with who understands that voice. [00:12:06] Vicky: That concept, that is so important, to be able to help you shift from, "Oh, this is who I am. Identify that I'm a bad person because shame takes over that way," to, "Oh, I'm experiencing shame and is it legitimate in this circumstance?" [00:12:24] Mary: Right. That's another part, is understanding my shame language. [00:12:28] Vicky: Shame will shut me down, I know that. I'll practice avoidance big time if I'm in my shame part. [00:12:35] Mary: Right. Think about procrastination and-- especially like things like the bathroom, who loves cleaning the bathroom? You put it off, and then shame jumps in and says, like, "You lazy sloth." "No, I just don't want to do it today." [00:12:51] Vicky: Not my cup of tea today. Our program talks a lot about taking action; to get unstuck, you just need to take action, and even a small step can lead to another step to another step. Is there any other tools that you use to get unstuck? [00:13:06] Mary: I think that especially when I think about early on in recovery, and you just addressed it as having that other person to talk to, and I'm so grateful I had the people around me in recovery to listen to me while I muddled through all these beliefs I had. It took many conversations with many people listening to me talk about the same thing before I finally came to a conclusion on it. Even in procrastination, if it's something that keeps showing up that you're not doing, maybe have a conversation with somebody you trust, like, "Why am I so not willing to do this? What's holding me back?" [00:13:50] Vicky: Resistance, identify it. [00:13:53] Mary: This way I've learned, get through those things is to talk about them. That I don't have the answers in my head usually. [00:14:00] Vicky: Right. I've noticed about myself that if I start pulling back and withdrawing, I might need a good cry about something. I don't like to be vulnerable, but it's amazing now I've recognized, "Call somebody, have that cry, get it over with it," it clears the energy out around whatever it is. [00:14:22] Mary: So true, so very true. [00:14:25] Vicky: Do you think perfectionism has any part in procrastination? [00:14:30] Mary: I know it does in my procrastination because I think I talked about it earlier, thinking that like I had to understand everything and know how to do it before I even entered into whatever it was I was doing, like the pattern in the crocheting or whatever, that part that makes me think that, "I can't make a mistake. I can't do this wrong," huge. I think the two Ps probably are intertwined. [00:14:55] Vicky: I think so too. Digging deeper we focus on the impact on our mental and physical health, what costs are we paying when we stay stuck and resist growing. [00:15:06] Mary: The price we're paying is we don't go anywhere. I know for a woman living in recovery, it's real easy to go backwards by just avoiding that stuff. I can think about that in terms of relationships that I would get into that were so harmful, but my complete unwillingness and inability, and people would even get mad and say, "What are you staying there for?" My inability to see the reason that it was as bad as other people saw it, maybe that's it. There's this disconnect, I think, especially in relationships. What I found for me is this was part of doing a fourth-step with my former marriage is that there were a lot of things I did to survive in that marriage and to keep marriage the way I thought it should be because I was married to this human being that I thought I saw all these qualities in; however, those qualities would never show. His behaviors were completely contrast to what I thought I saw in him. In doing that, my sponsor had me write a letter to him, not to give to him but just write a letter to him, and identify every place in that marriage that I did things to cause the marriage harm. I think I was far enough along where I was able to really look and see. What I realized is the things that I expected him to be when he wasn't able to be that, were also very shaming to him and it led to a lot of his behaviors. Does that make sense? [00:16:46] Vicky: It does. [00:16:46] Mary: It helped me to forgive myself because I didn't see it in me, and it helped me to forgive him because I saw how painful that must have been to him. [00:16:58] Vicky: You just touched on something for me that causes me still to procrastinate. I don't like endings, any kind of ending. If it's a season, summer is ending and it's coming to fall; if it's a relationship; a job. The idea that everything has its time and its place, man, I'll hang on as long as I can, that's important. As we know, my show's based on small changes that lead to big shifts. What small changes could you recommend for our audience to help them get unstuck? [00:17:34] Mary: I guess the thing that's been most helpful to me is starting to pay attention to myself and my patterns. For example, in procrastination, if there's something that keeps popping up that isn't getting done, then it's time to stop and go, "Oh, okay, what's this about?" It may not be anything at all, really, but it might be something core to you. Until we start paying attention to ourselves and giving ourselves some time and some energy like we would put into our jobs, in our relationships and stuff like that, we'll never learn those things about ourselves. I think that's probably one of the biggest things I've learned to do is to start stepping back and go, "Okay, what is this?" [00:18:16] Vicky: Take an inventory of it, really admit it. [crosstalk] [00:18:19] Mary: Yes, and a kind inventory also; not just sit back and go, "Now I'm sitting here and not getting that done again. What's wrong with me?" It might not be anything wrong, it might just be-- who knows? To give ourselves that time. [00:18:35] Vicky: Curiosity, I heard you say empathize with yourself, be curious about what is this, instead of blaming and shaming ourselves say, "What is there?" There might be something that-- your inner voice, I've found sometimes is telling me, "I was going to sign up for a class not that long ago. I had the link open I don't know how many times and didn't click and register. When I paused and said, "What's that about?" just like you said, I didn't really want to go into the class. If I would have been on automatic behavior, I would've-- [00:19:13] Mary: I used to do the automatic thing a lot, I used to just jump into stuff and not give it any thought at all. [00:19:20] Vicky: Right, go from procrastination to jump both feet in, off we go. [00:19:25] Mary: Then procrastinate because you jumped in. [laughter] [00:19:30] Vicky: Being present, today you mentioned that. Do you have any services or programs that you like to promote? I always give people an opportunity to promote if they have their own business, something that they want to have people participate in, or a Facebook group they'd love to have people join. [00:19:49] Mary: No, not at this time. I don't have anything of my own. [00:19:53] Vicky: Wonderful. Thank you so much for being here, Mary. I've enjoyed our conversation. I really value your friendship. [00:19:59] Mary: Thanks for inviting me. [00:20:00] Vicky: I value that. I know we're going to collaborate and work together on some things in the future. [00:20:06] Mary: Yes, so maybe I could promote those because I'm on the same page. I have as much respect for you as I heard you say you have for me. It's fun to be on this path together. [00:20:20] Vicky: It definitely is, it definitely is. To me, that's really the value of recovery over time, is those relationships that we form with other people that uplift us, inspire us, and move us forward. I'm thinking not thinking that it has to be a big job or career or move us forward in-- [00:20:43] Mary: In life. [00:20:44] Vicky: Yes. Being kind to ourself, being loving to our family, loving to ourselves. [00:20:49] Mary: I think there's a part two about be it recovery, be it healing, whatever it is, but there's a common language that we speak. [00:20:58] Vicky: Yes, most definitely. Thank you again for being here. [00:21:04] Mary: Thank you. [00:21:05] Vicky: To my audience, I will say thank you so much for being here with us and sharing today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love to get emails from my audience, so keep sending them to info@[unintelligible 00:21:18].com. Tell me what matters to you because I want to provide content that makes a difference for you. As we leave, remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time. Bye now.

Summary: The power of focus is what creates results. Outcome measures if I met my goal, and it is future oriented. If I focus on the process, I can let the outcome unfold. To focus on the process connects me to present moment to have what I want in life and an awareness of possibility. Neither are bad or wrong, just have different energy. What energy do I want to experience? Welcome to episode number 20, Focus on The Outcomes or on The Process. As you know, I'm the owner-operator of Vickidawn Consulting & Coaching, and I'm very excited to tell you I'm getting ready to launch a new element in my coaching. I'm working to become certified in something called Positive Intelligence or PQ for short. This program was developed by Shirzad Chamine, and I'll be sharing more about it soon. What excites me the most is that my clients will have access to app on their phone, to help support them in developing mental fitness. This program is based on science research, psychology, and neuroscience. Mental fitness focuses on training your brain to access your deepest wisdom and untapped mental powers. I've been doing the program and using that myself for 10 weeks now, and I'm pretty amazed myself with how my own inner wisdom is more accessible to me. More to come on that as time goes by. I also want to comment that I have two coaching openings in my calendar right now. Please reach out info at vickidawn.com if you have interest in coaching and the support that I can give you there. Today's topic let's start by defining the terms as I understand them and remember, this is always my own personal opinion based on mostly my experience and my study, what I've learned over the years, and process for myself. To start with focus. I think of focus as my mental energy, how I allocate my time and attention. Outcomes are those things that I want to experience in life, a relationship, a closer relationship maybe a new car, a job, a vacation. Any kind of outcome that I want to experience. The process, for me, is that series of actions or steps taken to achieve that particular end. Why am I focused on this topic today? I think the main thing that I really want you to get out of my discussion today is that the power of your focus is what creates your results. If I focus on the outcomes, I'm focused outside myself in the future, and I can't control anything outside myself. If I focused on the process, I can let that outcome unfold. I want you to realize that I think neither is good or bad, and we're going to do both in life because we're human. I, sometimes as much as I try, find myself caught up in focusing on those outcomes, and then I remind myself to shift and go back to focusing on the process. Let me start by saying what happens when I focus on the outcome, like I said I'm outward focused. I focus on the end, what I want. I can get short-sighted. I only see that outcome and it's only the outcome I want, then I exclude everything else. Nothing else matters or will bring me the satisfaction and the happiness of this particular outcome. For example, if I apply for a job I want, I may not apply for any other jobs, or if I do apply for them, I'm going through the motions because I really got my heart, my mind, my mental energy focused on, "I want that particular job", and convince myself that it's the only one that will make me happy. If I don't get it, then I'm deeply disappointed. I might feel even victimized, or some self-pity, or at the mercy of an unfair universe, or saying things like, "Why does this outcome always happen to me?" Outcomes are also the end, "I've arrived. I've gotten there." The satisfaction and the happiness is that arrival point and it's short-lived. When I focus on the outcomes, that's when I can become fearful and anxious because, again, I'm focused on the future, and then getting that outcome becomes a very serious business because if it doesn't happen, I can't be happy. Then I go through the motions in my life. Instead of living my life, I fall back on routines, and I go through the motions that becomes routine. It starts to lack excitement. It becomes a drudge, like "Here we go again. I get up, I go to work. I come home, I eat supper, I do the dishes, I go to bed. Routine, routine, routine. I don't feel any excitement or energy around living my life." I want to say that I'm speaking about this not because I'm thinking this is all interesting knowledge. I've experienced this stuff in my life and I'm sure you have too. I imagine that most of you can relate to this because I think it's part of our human condition. The other pitfall to be careful of is if I'm focused on the outcome, I can fall into magical thinking. Right? “What I want will be there without me having to do much to do it. I don't even know how to do it. It'll just magically happen." What happens if I focus on the process? For one thing, I'm connected to my day, living much closer to the moment because I'm focused on the next steps. Some synonyms for process include development, practice, system, technique, all of which are flexible and connected to creating. My energy is I'm creating, I can find happiness and joy in that unfolding versus the achievement. That means that every moment in that creative process can be a big moment, not just stay in when I achieve what I want. This takes some mindset training for someone like me because I've been very achievement-oriented my whole life. I love having a list and checking it off, marking that I've gotten something done, and I've gotten where I set out to go but the difference in my list today, that they're connected to the process of creating the outcome. I leave that outcome to unfold as it will, except for when I slipped back into focusing on the outcome like we all do. The outcome, like we've hinted at, may be what I intended, or it may be something else. What if the outcome isn't what I wanted? In my life today I  t gives me a chance to evaluate. When I let that discourage me and encouraged me to give up, then I'm missing the point. I've learned from my experience, that the point is to experience life, experience all of it, experience what I like, what I don't like, what I want to happen, what I don't want to happen. If I try to avoid some experiences or protect myself from hurt, I start to constrict and pull back in all areas. Then I don't get to experience happiness and joyfully either, you can't constrict in one area without constricting in all areas. Where is the growth in focusing on the process? Let's be clear. I'm not saying don't enjoy the outcome because I want you to enjoy it. Do a fist pump, tell all your friends, revel in it, just don't wait for that outcome to be happy. Let yourself enjoy the journey and be happy. Otherwise, your life becomes a series of waiting for those moments, that happiness that you get to acknowledge yourself for after you've done all the work to get there. Maybe that's part of your belief system is, life is hard. You have to work hard to get there, you have to put off till tomorrow what you could enjoy today. All those things that we say or have been told applied to our happiness. As we've said, focusing on the process might also include some parts of that process that I don't like. If I'm looking for a job, interviewing is part of that process. I don't like interviewing, but it is a step. This point is critical because this is the point where I can shift my attitude and experience freedom. This is where discipline combines with focus. I come to the interview, and I have a choice. I can either go on automatic pilot telling myself all the way, "I'm not good at interviews. The questions are dumb. They can't get to know me with 10, 15 questions. I'm not able to express myself very well." All the stories that I tell myself and maybe you do too. Then I get more and more anxious and nervous as time goes and start to constrict, protect myself from getting hurt, protect myself from failure if I could, and yet get that job, I have to go to the interview. There are multiple things in life that this applies to. Or I can pause, call a friend for support, roleplay some questions, maybe write out some answers. The biggest thing I can do for myself is to recognize that I interview, like so much in life, is a two-way street. It's not just about the employer, deciding if I'm a fit, it's also, "I'm there to decide if they are fit for me." That really puts it on a different plane. That puts it on the plane that we're both in it to win. "I'm not desperate. I'm not at their mercy. I'm here to assess if is this a good fit for me". Without being connected to that process, I could miss that opportunity for that attitude shift and just go on autopilot, ended up doing an okay job on the interview, and maybe even getting the job, but I won't feel that good about it. You might be saying, "Well, Vicky, that's fine, but I like having a certain day. I like stability. I like predictability." I want to say this as a story we tell ourselves, that life can be safe, certain, and stable. It can be safe. Yes, I will concede that. It can be safe because we provide our own safety. We pick up the pieces. How many times in my life have I picked up the pieces? How many times have you picked up the pieces? Life sometimes falls apart, sometimes doesn't give us the outcome we want, and we're bitterly discouraged or so hurt and so confused. But we're there, we pick up the pieces so we can trust ourselves, but we can never say that life will be certain and stable because change is part of life. We also tell ourselves that certainty is preferable to change, and that risking failure will ensure failure, and that protecting against failure will ensure safety. No, not true. Living life in routine mode can give the appearance that that's true. We can lull ourselves in a routine and almost sleepwalking. Is that really living deep inside? We can say we know it's not true because that family member gets that serious illness, or we lose that job, or our kids grow up and move away. As we know, my show is based on tiny changes that lead to big shifts in your life. I want to recommend the following steps to shift your focus from outcomes to process. Number one, my favorite, my very favorite; know where you want to go and create a plan to get there. Dream big, but most important, dream. Dream. Get in touch with what your abilities are, what your talents are, what you have to contribute to the world because you have a whole lot to contribute. No matter your circumstances. I promise, you do. Focus on that journey by planning each day. I'm not talking about just planning the effort to get where you want to go. I'm talking about planning your breaks, plan the walks, plan the trips to the grandkids' soccer games, plan your entire journey, and take time to enjoy it. Plan what gives you enjoyment. If that's cooking a wonderful gourmet meal, cook that gourmet meal, take the time, love every minute of it. Be present. Plan the journey and recognize when you need to adjust the plan because you can live your plan and not get married to it. It doesn't have to be concrete, like, "This is the only thing that I can do." When you feel discouraged, and you will because you're human, call a friend, ask for support, be honest about how you feel, and ask for what you need. Ask for attention. Ask for time, your friends will be happy to be there for you and to give it to you. Finally, decide you want to be happy, and then be happy. Does that seem simplistic? That's one of Abraham Lincoln's most famous quotes. "Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be", and I've experienced that that's true for me. That wraps up my comments and my opinions on focusing on the outcomes or focusing on the process. I do want to say there's a lot to be said about allowing life done fold, having a direction, as much as I like knowing where I'm going. I have a destination I'd like to get to, but it's more important that I have the direction. Not necessarily just the destination. I have learned in my life that when I decide what's best for me and set about trying to make that happen, I sell myself short. I don't envision possibilities beyond my limited understanding of what's possible. When I set a direction, what's the desired outcome and I let life unfold, I'm often shocked, amazed, and so happy with the outcome that's created that I couldn't have anticipated.

Summary: Go to my website: https://vickidawn.com download your Free Gift: Time Management – Create More! Sandi Mitten is a career hair stylist who is a beauty influencer and educator as well as a business builder behind the chair. She is creating a coaching program for the hairstylists. Someone as busy as she is finds challenges in finding time for her. We visit about the payoffs for maintaining that mindset – I don't have time - as well as how people pleasing can create a barrier to taking the time for your own priorities.   Having compassion and forgiving yourself and letting go of perfectionism all go a long way to creating the mindset to take the time for yourself. Finally, Sandi says to carve out that time in 15-minute chunks from other activities – watching TV, time on social media, getting up earlier, competing a task more quickly, and the big one connecting to your WHY – create a daily action plan that includes time for you!

Summary: In Part 2 Dana Thomas, transformational trainer, coach, and strategist, and I continue our discussion on patterns in relationships, what contributes to them, what sustains them, and tips to interrupt them and let them go. Patience and willingness to work towards a solution, rather than to change someone, are key to shifting some of the most stubborn patterns. Dana inspires people to be in service to their highest visions and their best life. Vickidawn: Hey, Dana. Thanks so much for joining me. Dana: Thank you. Vickidawn: I'm so glad to see you. Dana: I'm so happy to see you. Vickidawn: As we know, in this Episode - Are you tired of the same old patterns in your relationship? Dana: I've done this before. My husband's forgotten or something, just one thing, whatever it is. Around my house, there's a joke. He likes to leave all the lights on, and I go around closing them. Maybe that one day it was, Oh, you always leave the lights on, and you chew loud, and you do this. One little thing is like an avalanche of everything you've been holding in so we stop the avalanche, is what I would say. One of the pro tips was we stop the avalanche. It was like, "You left the light on, again." [chuckles] Vickidawn: Period. You don't add the kitchen sink, yes. [laughs] Dana: That's hard. It's hard to not say something because a lot of-- I'm a coach. I'm a trainer. I support people in finding their voice and speaking into, I support people becoming critically thinking and speaking leaders and when it comes to relationships to go, you have to stop the sentence right there because this is my spouse, I'm not his mother, he's not my father, and just stop this like, "You left the light on again". Is it important to you? The thing is, I can't make what's important to me important to him, but I can say, "This is really important to me that we turn the light off. Every time I see it, it makes me think other stuff like, "You don't listen to me, and you don't care about me." I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it's true as simple as leaving the light on. When you say it that way, it's very different than saying this, you always leave the light on. You're such a blah, blah, blah, blah. Vickidawn: Yes, insensitive blob. Dana: Right. Vickidawn: I think it's important that you commented too that it is often those little things, and it's those little things that will pile up and then fly with you always and add the kitchen sink. If we go deeper into these, we're circling around talking about being frustrated, being angry, being impatient. What kind of physical costs do I pay when I don't check myself when I just give in and stay stuck and think, "Well, I'm right. I'm going to dig in my heels and I'm going to stay angry." We talk about cortisol and adrenaline and how they impact our health. It seems like it would be a direct connection to think, "Oh, I'm having an unreasonable reaction. What is this doing to me? Is it what I want to happen to me?" but no, we don't, do we? Dana: No. I think I remove the judgment of myself. If I'm having an unreasonable reaction, that's a judgment. Vickidawn: You're right. Dana: I'm just having a reaction. Vickidawn: I like it. Dana: I'm having a reaction. I know when I'm really angry. You talked about cortisol, but also there's oxytocin and dopamine and serotonin. All of those things come from physical touch, being told how loved you are, and scent especially, so scent, being touched. Like oxytocin, a hug will increase your oxytocin. If I'm really mad, my husband's really good at this, he'll come over and he'll put his hand on my shoulder and I'll move. Like, "Don't you try and touch me now. I'm pissed off." Meanwhile, it's because that internal thing, I'm angry. See, that's the thing, I'm angry, he's not, and then that might even make me angry that he's not hungry. I noticed I just said hungry and not angry. The funny part is anybody listening or watching would know that I was having a snack right before we started this. I'm not hungry, but that's like see when you can dispense something with laughter. Tying that to that is like, when you laugh, when you can look at yourself and go, "Okay, he's not making me angry. I'm angry," own it. If you're going to be angry, be angry. I've said, listen, I can't even stand the fact that I'm breathing too loud right now. It has nothing to do with you. I'm going to experience this and like, "I love you. Go do something fun." It's okay, be angry. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to be frustrated. It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to do all of that. It's when it's not effective. In our house, it's, "How long do you need?" If the answer is like, I don't know. I don't know how long I need to be angry. I'm mad. You want me to put a time limit? Now you're going to make me angrier, but probably-- oh, no. You know what, give yourself space to breathe." Vickidawn: It sounds like what you're really describing or what I'm hearing is let each other be who you really are. You said it earlier. Sometimes that's being your best self and sometimes it's being your messier self, and what valuable relationships those are when you can be both. It works and somehow the days string together and they keep stringing together. Maybe part of it is trying to fine-tune this relationship so it just never has any ripples. That's just not realistic. Dana: It's not fun. Vickidawn: No. Dana: It's really not. I was just thinking. When you were speaking, I was like a lot of people that I've coached for relationships, what they want-- you know those perfect jeans you have, you've had them for years, and you put them on, they always fit perfect and are comfortable, most people expect to have that pair of jeans in 12 minutes. Even those of us who have a long-term relationship, we want to be able to put like, "Okay, we're pretty comfortable in our relationship but maybe we want our butt to look better," kind of thing. It's like, "But these are still your favorite pair of jeans." What's important is to allow the growth and allow yourself the freedom to grow, and not to be stuck in a time and space of like-- who I was in my 20s is completely different as the woman I was in my 30s, who is completely different than the woman I am in my 40s. I've evolved that woman. My husband, we met when I was in my 30s, he was in his 40s. If he expected me to be her, oh my goodness. There are some things that'll stay the same, maybe the tone of my voice, but there are so much that changes, so getting comfortable with change. Things are going to change. Things are going to be difficult. Things are going to be a challenge. Things are going to be extraordinary. I cling to my relationship is like my perfect average day. Not the extraordinary vacations because then I would probably-- or the extraordinary stuff, do you know what I mean? Like if you have a big purchase or a big vacation, maybe you get each other extravagant gifts, if I clung to that, me personally, I know I would feel like it would be all work for this short term gift or whatever it is versus every day through pandemic, many people we know separated, got divorced, and here, we're in the same house making it work, we're laughing, high fiving. Now. there are still struggles, but the best pattern you can build is the success of yesterday. What worked yesterday? Let's start there. What is it, "Today's ceiling is tomorrow's floor"? Vickidawn: I like that. Dana: What worked yesterday? Maybe it was patience. That's where we're starting today so that I'm in today, so that when I go or he comes, Lord knows we've been in meetings and Zooms for, what is it? Seventy-eight years now, we're all consistently on this stuff this past year and a half. "Hi, how are you? Hey, how are you doing? Is there anything I can do for you today?" Those are probably the two most powerful questions in my house that are asked every single day. Like, "Hey, how are you?" If he's like, "Oh, whatever" and it's a few days in a row. I'm not like, "You're always complaining". Like, "Oh, I'm sorry, you're having a bad day. Is there anything I can do for you?" Because then I'm not dismissing. That's another pattern, is dismissing someone else's-- it's a pattern, like their feelings. I'm just like, "I'm sorry, you're having a bad day? Is there anything I can do to make it better?" A lot of times, even with your friends, have you ever had that? Like, if they're just like, "Vickidawn, I'm sorry. Is there anything I could do to make it better?" You're like, "You already have." They're like, "I didn't do anything." " Oh, you did. I felt heard. When I feel heard, I feel loved." Vickidawn: I think it's important too, what you're pointing out is that we're not trying to fix, we're not saying, well, you're doing it wrong, because you're not having a good day. We're just saying, I'm sorry you're having that experience. Then what can I do, if anything and leaving it at that. Dana: It also releases you from the guilt, blame, and shame that you're causing meanwhile. Vickidawn: Yes, it puts the ownership back on the other person, and they either can say, yes, you could do this and that would really help or no, I'm sorry, I got to work through this. I'm just in a funk, whatever. Well, I appreciate it so much. Many of my clients do have struggles in this relationship. You and I have both seen some really tough relationships, people have turned the corner and come back around. There may be a time when even coaching doesn't help that and then we advocate, get help. Because there are sometimes when there's such a pattern of stuckness and such unwillingness that a person needs to step back and work on their willingness first. Dana: Oh, listen, I am one of the first people to tell my clients that therapy with coaching gives you exponential results because you can address-- It's a more full-rounded approach. Many coaches like yourself, we just know, and myself, we know, like, listen, here's what I can do coaching. Here's what a therapist can do. Go ahead and get a couple of weeks of the therapists under your belt, and let's come back to coaching. Because I see the willingness like, okay, here it is. Listen, I have a therapist and I say it's the safest place to say all the crap I wouldn't say to my husband. He never has to hear it. I get it out of my system because sometimes-- I work in transformation. I know a lot of people have an idea, an expectation that they're always going to be open and authentic, and then somebody cuts them off in traffic. It's like, you bleep bleep bleep. That doesn't mean you're not transformed but knowing your limits. Breaking the pattern starts with me. When we started this together, breaking that pattern, it's me. If I want the pattern broken, it doesn't mean that my husband does, so if I make small incremental positive changes, he will come. If I go like this, today we're going to go workout three hours together, then we're going to-- That might be a little bit much, but if that's my goal, to have a healthy partnership, physically, emotionally, financially, whatever it is, I start with a goal and then I back it all the way up to where are we now? Where am I now? One small incremental change, like one building, today is ceilings, tomorrow's floor. What do we do tomorrow? Well, it's not what do we do, it's who am I becoming? Who am I today that this incremental change that has positive, joyful result? That's really positive reinforcement. Have you ever really gotten anything free by beating yourself or anybody else up? Vickidawn: Nope. Dana: Smart, but that's the pattern breaker right there. What's one small thing I can do today to have this happen? I wouldn't say even change, like I'm not changing myself. It's, who am I becoming? Because there's probably something in that pattern that you've realized that you've outgrown that person. You've outgrown that person, not your spouse, you. Vickidawn: You. Dana: I've outgrown me. I'm being held like, listen, if I want a quick reality check, I visit my family. I'm almost 47 years old, and I promise you, my uncle will look at me and talk to me like I was five. "Well, remember when you were five, and you did the--" Lord, I don't remember what I had for breakfast let alone when I was five and I dreamed of being an astronaut and a veterinarian. Vickidawn: Oh, yes. Dana: I wanted to take care of animals in space. When I want a quick reality check of that, I just call my family that's known me for a really long time, and go, "I've outgrown her." Vickidawn: Yes, I think that's really important. You've offered a lot of really good tips along the way, and I really appreciate that. Are there any other tips you want to share? Dana: Yes, journaling. For those people who don't love journaling, I'm one of them, it doesn't have to be some long-drawn-out process. I would say, for those people that are more like me, where once or twice a week, I might spend extended time journaling, have bullet points. If you have one grievance, limit your grievance in your journal, today, my husband pissed me off, blah, blah, blah, but then have at least five things as to what you're grateful for with him. Vickidawn: I like that. Dana: It's starting to switch the pattern of going down the landslide of negative thoughts. If it's like, today, he pissed me off or he didn't turn the light off again. Then, "I'm so grateful he loves me the way he does. He always tells me. I'm grateful he tells me he loves me. I'm grateful he brings me flowers because he wants to make sure my spaces are beautiful. I'm grateful that he gives me the space to be neat. Then I start to like, "Okay, I can shift out of it." That's a powerful tool. Vickidawn: Very powerful. It's a small thing that you can do based on my show, tiny changes big shift, and you had a lot of small steps that you can take, and they are all small. It's the small things that drive us crazy, and it's the small things that can keep us from that edge. Do you have any services or programs you like to promote? How does our audience find you? Dana: I'm on social media. I'm on Facebook, Instagram, you can find me, Alexis Mitchell. I'm a transformational coach, which basically means I help you become the best version of you. Not my version of the best version of you. I do group coaching, that's one of the things. I don't know that I have a program actually coming up until October or November, but if somebody is interested in coaching, they can reach out and they have access to you. Vickidawn: You have a website? Dana: I do. What is my-- It's www.alexismitchell.com. No, it's thealexasmitchell. You know, I don't know because I've used word of mouth actually. Vickidawn: Different ones. Dana: That site is being rebuilt. Now it's not alexismitchell.com it's something-- Oh, it's aem-- I don't know. My husband will tell me. Vickidawn: People can reach out to me. I know how to find you. Dana: Yes. If they're reaching out to you, they have access to one of the best coaches I know. Vickidawn: Oh, thank you. Dana: Listen, if coaching calls them, you're one of the best coaches I know. Vickidawn: Thank you, Dana. I appreciate it. Thank you so much for being here today and sharing with us. For my audience, if you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. I love to get emails from you, so email me at info@vickidawndon.com. Let me know your thoughts, what you're struggling with, what matters to you, because I really want to provide information that impacts your life. As I say goodbye, remember, you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time. Thank you.

Summary: Dana Thomas, transformational trainer, coach, and strategist, and I discuss patterns in relationships, what contributes to them, what sustains them, and tips to interrupt them and let them go. Patience and willingness to work towards a solution, rather than to change someone, are key to shifting some of the most stubborn patterns.  Vickidawn: Hey, Dana. Thanks so much for joining me. Dana: Thank you. Vickidawn: I'm so glad to see you. Dana: I'm so happy to see you. Vickidawn: As we know, this is Episode 17- Are you tired of the same old patterns in your relationship?  Vickidawn: I know you've done a lot of work on yourself, and it may not apply as much to you, but I know I still have some patterns in my relationships that I struggle with. Why don't we start with having you introduce yourself and tell us what you do, what you're up to? Dana: Yes, thank you. Thank you for inviting me. I always love spending time with you. My name is Dana Thomas, but you'll find me on social media outlets as Alexis Mitchell. I am a transformational trainer, coach, and strategist. What I do, I work with individuals and groups. I never thought of this in this way, but I work mostly with individuals in groups to inspire people being in service to their highest visions and their best life. Vickidawn: I like that a lot. I know you do that, because I've had that experience of working together with you. Dana: Oh, thanks. Vickidawn: Let's start a little bit about patterns in relationships. We all have them. Those places where we can almost recite the script [laughs]. We know what he's going to say, we know what I'm going to say, we know what they're going to say. What do you think is the underlying issue in those scenarios? Dana: I have them too. I've been married 13 plus years. It always comes back to I'm treating my husband from an incidence in the past instead of this moment. When you were saying the pattern, like "Oh, I'm going to say this, he's going to say this," whatever - that actually causes me to actually stop talking, because I just assume the underlying assumption - I assume he's going to say this, so I don't really talk to him. Then later on it's like, "Hey, what happened?" Like "Oh, you've said this 17 times before, why would I think it was different now?" It's actually not fair. Vickidawn: I like what you said about that it's treating your husband from an incident in the past. It's a hard concept to grasp in the beginning. I read a sentence not too long ago that said, "All my experiences are in the past, and all my decisions are about the future." Where does that put being present right in the moment? Dana: For most of my career, I've worked in building teams, and all that is, is relationship. I will say that (with conflict) every single time there's an assumption, every single time it's like, Oh, well, my husband in this case. It's also, who I work with in corporations - how playing team does with assumptions. The assumption that I'm making a decision or that I'm proceeding forward because someone said once before, "Oh, I like this" and not giving them the opportunity because I'm not patient enough to let it marinate for a second. In the relationship with my husband, we have agreements about fast acting decisions, because sometimes you might not be able to talk to each other. We have agreements on that. I have to sometimes pause and really ask myself, and I do this all the time, "Do I have to make this decision right now, and just because I can doesn't mean I should." Vickidawn: Very good point. Dana: It's like, just because I can make this decision right now doesn't mean I should, if I pause and then say, "Oh," or even, I'm looking at it as a decision for anything - like even making dinner, this decision and, Oh, well, I know my husband loves blah, blah, blah and I could just decide to make that for dinner. Not even pausing to go, "Oh, just because I can make this decision doesn't mean I should" and pausing and going, "He's really busy also, he's in meetings, and my need to know right now does not constitute an emergency on his part." Vickidawn: I love that. You brought up a lot of interesting points. Agreements that we have with each other and sometimes we tend to want them to be married to a decision we made a long time ago - and don't you ever dare change it and checking in with each other and being patient. All of those are useful skills, I think, in navigating some of this pattern. What we're after is to create different patterns. We know we can't change another person, and yet, oh, sometimes I really want to, I really do. I think I really know what's best for them. How do we navigate through that when we know we want something so different and there's such a conflict? Dana: I have so many different thoughts on this. Because the first thing I really heard is that you're not focused on the relationship you have, you're focused on a relationship you want, and you want to change this for that, which probably could make you and your partners or friends or whoever you're in relationship with, they'll feel that from you. They'll feel that it's not good enough, it has to change. There are many aspects of my relationships that "I want to change". What I'll do is I'll stop, and I'm really grateful for the relationship that I have. I stop, I pause, I take time to make sure I remind myself how grateful I am for what I already have. Then if I want my husband to do something differently but I'm not willing to do something differently, I look at the hypocrite. I go, "Oh, okay, well, I want him (to change) because I'm just impatient, and I want things to be a certain way." That was a longer answer to adding grace and compassion to every relationship and the grace with yourself, as you change things to really acknowledge every step you're taking. It's not going to be perfect. If you're shifting your relationship, let's say here, it's a romantic relationship, and shifting it because you don't feel like certain things are happening because Lord knows over 13 plus years, I have felt as though there are things missing. That's a feeling and it changes. Meaning today I might not feel heard, or I might not feel loved, but that's so momentary, but when I go okay, that's right now and then have a conversation that's not confrontational. Like, I am not feeling heard. I am not feeling loved. It's not your fault. (I can say) I can use your support. Here's how I could feel heard. Here's how I could feel loved. Here's how-- like I matter. I remind myself that I'd probably do the same thing to my spouse in certain situations. I'm really busy with work and family and sometimes my husband - he's always priority two or three, but we stay somewhere in there because I am always my first priority - which is important. He probably feels the same way. I'm like, okay, I'm not going to assume. Vickidawn: The point that they have the same feelings that we do can be humbling. Can be very humbling. I know for me, it is. How do you think defensiveness contributes to when we get stuck in that pattern? Dana: That's a great question. I would go to patience again because if you're going to defend something, you want it now. There's a character in the Willy Wonka movie that's like-- I don't remember her name. I think it's Veronica Salt, where she's like, "I want it now". When I see or experience or have been defensive, I've honored the fact that that's really what I'm saying. I'm just throwing a temper tantrum with like, "I want this. I want this now and I really don't want you to give me any pushback about it. Just do as I say, how, when, where. Just do this and I'll be good." Vickidawn: I know for me sometimes too; defensiveness is I want to be right about the way I have it. I want to be right that you are wrong. Dana: It's also, I want to be right about the underlying thing that you don't see me, that you don't love me, that you don't care about me. Anything that's underneath that that's why I've practiced so often, and with my clients is patience. Do you have the patience to just pause? Before you really put that in the space. Because there some things you can't take back. That's what usually starts to sway relationships is somebody said something 10 years ago. I've done this to my husband. He said something years ago that doesn't apply today and I'm like, but do you remember when you said this? I'm like, "That's pretty harsh, so the defensiveness to me - do I have the wherewithal to just pause?" Vickidawn: Self-mastery. Dana: Just pause. It's okay to say to someone and not in a temperamental way like - I need to not talk to you right now. Well, that's not real helpful. I've tried this, I still do, I succeed sometimes and sometimes I don't - is the moment where I say - I hear everything you're saying, and I really want to collect my thoughts so that what I say next honors what this is. Right now, it's not going to. That kind of honesty usually has somebody-- my husband will go, "Oh, okay". There are times where his defensiveness-- No, let's talk about this now. No, we're here. Let's talk about it now or whatever. It really takes - okay can we take a three-minute pause? Or even 30 seconds because defensiveness usually leads to saying something that someone will ultimately regret. Vickidawn: As you're sharing, it's bringing to my mind, do we have a realistic expectation about what a relationship should look like in the first place? Do I compare what I have in my relationship to some other relationship, and I think they've got it all together? It works perfect for them. All they have, it's love happiness and sappiness, and I'm left here with some of this conflict. Is messy really okay? Is it okay to get stuck sometimes in that rut and why can't I just say, you know what? I have no clue what to say, do, or think to get past this right now. I just don't. I know you have a problem with it. I wish I could fix it for you. Somehow here we are again. Dana: That brought up a few things because who's the common denominator? It's me. It's actually not my husband. I'm the common denominator. I think it's an absolute necessity to get messy because we spend so much time keeping things comfortable or predictable that sometimes the silence in relationship starts to speak louder than the words. I would rather have consistent conversations. I schedule a lot of stuff with my husband. We have scheduled conversations so that there is a reduced defensiveness because you know it's coming. It's not me going, "We have to talk", which are the worst words ever I've come to know like "I'd like to talk to you". That, to my husband is like, I just put a bomb in the room and we got to have this conversation-- We're huge Disney fans, so I'm like, "Oh I just want to know when's the next time we could go to Disney?" He's like, "That's it? That's all you wanted to talk?" "Yes, just--" I've also learned how to rephrase that phrase so that I'm not triggering him, that he did something wrong and all the time between (I ask and our conversation), he's going through every scenario over the past couple of days that he could have done that caused some friction. Practicing the pause is not easy but it will save a relationship. It'll save your time. No matter what relationship. I bring this to corporate. Vickidawn: Yes, you said a lot of really important things, I think. You talked about honoring somebody - so our intent in the conversation about being the common denominator -   about what do I really want? Am I really willing to do my part to resolve this issue? Sometimes it's hard to admit, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. When you get two people saying, no, I'm not willing, that's when we can fall into that trap over and over. Also, it can be hard when I finally say, all right, now I'm willing and the other person is saying, nope, not me yet. That can be awkward. Dana: That awkwardness, if you allow it, is such an opportunity to re-ignite everything you want. In romantic relationships, especially the long-term ones, there's, I don't know how many articles, how to spice up your love life has this. But there might - legitimately – be one partner going, "Yes, I'm not there." It could allow the creative side to come out and you have to be open. You have to ask your partner like, okay, I get it. You're closed off. We had this pattern. We've had this come up over and over and over and I know what I'm asking. I know I'm asking you to allow me to maybe hurt you again and instead of that, could you give me the benefit of the doubt and say (that) I'm not going to hurt you again -because I really want to have such and such happen, whatever that is. That kind of honesty with vulnerability is not easy but it wouldn't be possible if there weren't these awkward moments. I did a lot of relationship coaching over the years, I don't know anyone that really describes perfect moments as what connected them and released the pattern. I don't know anyone. It's the goofy things. It's that awkward moment. Most couples talk to them. The awkward moment of like, my husband went to kiss me once and he's coming this way and I don't know he's going to kiss me. I turn my head and he kissed somebody else on the cheek. Everybody cracks up. That's what we talk about - the joy. Don't forget the joy in breaking patterns - adding joy. If it's a consistent pattern, who's really holding it to be consistent? Me. Vickidawn: Yes. Dana: What do I want to see if I want more love? Whatever that means to you. To me, more love is both of us being authentic to who we are and having that be the highest and fullest expression of who ourselves are. And if that ain't fun, if it's constantly like, oh, we have to work on this. Vickidawn: [laughs] Yes. I hate that sentence. Relationships are a lot of work. Dana: Well, they are. Vickidawn: They are and-- Dana: That's the internal work. Vickidawn: Yes. Dana: It's internal work. I'll give you a really good for instance in my own life. Sometimes when my husband chews, I get nauseous, just sometimes. Who knows what's in the universe? For a long time, I wouldn't really say something. I would be just like, if we were eating dinner or if we were out or whatever, I would just put my fork down, have a conversation because he is not doing anything other than chewing his food. He's not a crazy chewer so if anybody's listening, he's not a lip-smacking, show your food kind of person. My mom says I have supersonic hearing. I hear even with his mouth closed, the chewing, and it makes me a little nauseous, but I know it's mine, it's not his. For a long time, I wouldn't say anything and then I was exhausted one day. I was just exhausted, I didn't feel well, to begin with, and he was chewing. I got up and I went into another room. He was like, "What's going on?" I'm like, "Listen, enjoy your food. I'm getting nauseous." Now, here's a pattern. If my husband sees my face turn a certain way, he will actually say, "Are you getting nauseous?" Instead of making himself wrong, for god's sake he's chewing his food, I just take myself - I go to the other side of the room so I can't hear it directly and we're good. In breaking the pattern of that, it was a time elapse because at first, he was like, "Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'll try and chew quieter." No, you're not chewing loud. It's mine. Chew your food. You get to nourish yourself. Just because I went to the other end of the room, that was like a relationship saver - but know what the pattern is and what you want to bring. If your pattern is, okay, you're on this hamster wheel and you can't seem to get off of the hamster wheel, then do you ever bring yourself back to the times when you were falling in love with that person or falling in like? Even your friendships, when you're like, "Oh my god, I love this person". Do you bring yourself back to that moment and do you bring yourself back? I know I bring myself back to the moment of-- I know inevitably in a lot of my friendships that people have their own life and sometimes we're not as close as we once were, but am I allowing everything to breathe? Vickidawn: I like that visual, allowing everything to breathe. Dana: Yes, just in the pattern. There are some friends that I have, they do the same thing over and over and over. I expect them to do it a different way. My expectations get in the way. When I go like, "You know what? You're going to do you. I'm going to cheer you on," and I can just go to the other side of the room because it has nothing to do-- Hey, I love what you're doing or I'm so glad that lights you up. Just because it doesn't light me up doesn't mean anything. I'm like, "Oh my god, I'm so glad that lights you up." I would say also, always remind yourself of that beginning of what was that. Just a little reminder. You don't have to stay there. But if you stay in-- They always forget me. I don't feel loved. I don't feel seen. I don't feel like blah blah blah. How much time are you spending reinforcing that pattern? Vickidawn: Exactly. Dana: That's a lot of time. Vickidawn: Seeing that is what you'll see because that's what you expect. Dana: Yes. Vickidawn: If you just shift the focus and say to yourself, my husband is there for me or my spouse is there for me and start to notice where they are there for you, there might be that one instance in five when they fall short and then it's not always, that word always like, you always do this. [laughs]

Summary. Expectations get in the way of our happiness in multiple ways. They recreate experiences based on the past, that may not be relevant or helpful. We do justify them however, in order to have certainty and to be effective and efficient. Habits were created to let us move through life on automatic. But….how helpful is automatic and having expectations when we want to let go of old patterns and experience happiness and fulfillment? Like me you may have experienced a lot of ups and downs in life, and may have reached a point where you think – Something has to change. You've tried to change all the outside circumstances in life, changed jobs, maybe changed partners, may have moved. You know none of that worked, because here you are – again, feeling dissatisfied and unhappy. You're not willing to change the circumstances because you've done that before. Now wonder if you need to change something about you. You feel pretty good about many things in your life, you've learned a lot on the way. Your job isn't half bad, you are relatively happy in your relationships with family and friends, and yet….. I want to speak to that and yet….. We hear happiness is an inside job, and don't I know that's true. And as simple as that statement is, it isn't easy. What about when the office bully undermines you once again, what about when your partner and you disagree on a huge topic, like money or sex? If you're like me, my happiness flies out the window on a cloud of anger, frustration, and defeat. I've given my happiness away, and it seems so justified Right? What I hope you gain from my podcast, coaching relationship or from my 8-week programs are insights and inspiration into those area's in life where the magic really happens, inside. What is stopping that next level of empowerment and fulfillment. I hope you gain new ways of approaching life, with tools that you can use in life challenges. Tools that work because you want to move forward. I hope you gain the support that helps you take the most scary steps you may take in life, facing yourself and doing something about it. And you're not alone, I'm in your corner and I know that what's on the other side is so worth it. So let's get started on todays topic – I'm Unhappy – Check Your Expectations! What? Each of us has gone on a HERO's journey in life – whether it is in health, relationships, or our career. We don't look at it that way do we? What's your journey so far? Think about what you have achieved, where were you 5 years ago? That was 2016. Wow, in 2016 I was working my corporate job, I still had the feelings and thoughts – I'm unhappy but I should be grateful, This is life, can't expect more. There were patterns going on – office bully, office gossip, tensions around decisions and vision. Lack of support from superiors, and yet, there was so much I enjoyed too. People I worked with, the flexibility of my job and the experience working in an environment that had several businesses and area's of responsibility. Where do you want that hero's journey to lead you next? Let's start with expectations of yourself I should be perfect, I should be able to achieve what I want, I should be able to know how to parent, perform my job, and I should be happy with what I have. How about your expectations of other's: They should listen to me, they should know what I want, they should perform how I told them to, they should change to suit me. Did you notice that all those comments come from your head? Thoughts that you may not even notice, and if you do notice them, you justify them. You are right and others are wrong. Take the office bully for example. You may expect them to change, they are disruptive, negative, difficult to engage with, and generally aggressive and sometimes mean. You feel very justified in expecting they should change. And our conditioning in life from others supports that thinking. But what if instead the next time you have a meeting with this person you stepped back and instead of saying “I know how they get, when I bring up the decision I've made they will oppose it, they will act condescending and when I stick to my guns they will go to my boss to explain why I'm wrong.” Instead of expecting that same outcome you say, “No expectations. I'm not going to expect them to show up this way, and I'm going to look for ways to not judge this interaction as being the same as it always is. I'm going to find one comment that is supportive and one place I can agree with them.” And build from there. Will that person change? Probably not, will you change? Yes. Is it hard, Absolutely. What do you gain? New perspective. As hard as it is to interact with a personality like that, they are on a hero's journey too. Finding common ground may diffuse the discussion, but more important, you start to see the person beyond the behavior. With practice you may find you are on completely different footing with them. Why do we have expectations? The big reason is we want certainty in life, so in milliseconds our brains assess a situation and pulls up an example from the past. Let me repeat that, our brain accesses and references the past, and automatically expects this situation to be a repeat. It could be a recent experience with someone, or repeated experiences with someone that we interpret the same way every time. Or they could just remind us of someone from our past. But it is the past and it is how we create a present that is the same as the past. We want a new moment. So what do we do about it? Here are tips to use to #1 Become aware of your own thinking and #2 Choose a different approach. Assess your feelings – set an alarm 4 times a day if necessary and check in with how you feel. Feelings point to what we are thinking. If you are angry, frustrated, or sad. Or do you feel happy, peaceful and content. They tell you about your thoughts. If you have negative feelings, ask yourself, what were my expectations. You may get stuck on - It's my right. What do I mean by that? It's my right to expect my son to pick up his room. It's my right to expect my husband to remember my birthday. It's my right to expect my employee to arrive to work on time. I'll ask you this, do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? For our purposes, set your “rights” aside. Get at your expectations. Become aware of them. Choosing a different approach: It could be as simple as picturing a shield in front of you before you go into a situation you know you react to. What used to set you off bounces off the shield, and you remain neutral. Because all life situations are neutral, not good, not bad, we are the ones who add the interpretation. So pause, ask yourself what is present that causes you to judge this as bad, an underlying expectation that wasn't met? Remember the most fundamental tool I use. Make requests. It is okay to request anything in life. It is okay to request your son picks up his room, or request that your husband remembers your birthday, or that your employee be to work on time. It's okay to request a bully to interact with you with more cooperation and kindness. If I'm upset when that doesn't happen, then my request was really a demand, and was based on an expectation. People can say no to a request. If they deny that request, then I'm free to assess what choices I have now, and take action based on love and kindness myself. Why worry about expectations? Because we want to be happy and free from our past, free to experience the present in ways that works for us and others. I hope you found value in our discussion today. Please email me your thoughts, I'd love to hear them. info@vickidawn.com. Thank you so much for being here and sharing with us today. If you enjoyed the show, please like and leave a review. You can connect with me several ways by going to https://linktr.ee/vickidawn Until next time: Remember: You create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time! By now.

Summary: After 2 episodes – Can I Really Love Myself, you may come up against self-doubt. I explore how self-doubt is created and strengthened over your life, and effective ways you can address it based on small steps that will make a big change over time! Vicki Dawn: Hello, and welcome to episode 15, self-doubt and confidence. Oh, my What a big topic. Self-doubt has been such a crippling thing for me throughout my life. I don't know if you can relate. As you know, my name is Vicki Dawn. I started Vicki Dawn Consulting & Coaching to support businesswomen and entrepreneurs express their genius and not lose themselves. Not losing ourselves. As women, we are conditioned from birth, at least in my generation, we were to defer to men, defer to our family. Everybody else comes first, we come second. Everybody else knows more than we do, obviously. Even though they're women too, which is really insane to think about. Why am I talking about this concept now, self-doubt and self-confidence, in episode 15? Well, we started our podcast journey on talking about your vision, expressing your vision, being committed to your vision, how self-judgment plays a role, and self-judgment and self-doubt are connected, but I think that self-doubt really lives underneath that judgment, and it's a result of judging ourselves in the past. We use that past judgment as evidence to prove that we can't do it now in the present, but we'll get into that a little bit later. As we've gone on this journey, in the last month I had two episodes. Well, actually this month, yes, July, two episodes on self-love. Can I really love myself? Maybe you're feeling some doubt about that. Can I really love myself? Is that an okay thing to do? Maybe you've got a quiet voice there in your mind whispering, "No, that's not quite right. No, you're not worth it. No, you're not perfect." You're denying yourself that confidence that, first and foremost, you're a worthy valuable human being. You have a voice, you have opinions, you know how to do things, and you have so much to contribute. So much to contribute. Let's start a little bit with the concept of self-doubt, which really is just lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities and, of course, confidence would mean you have trust that you can do this task or express this opinion or accomplish what you want to accomplish in life, I guess, basically, confidence that you can achieve the outcome that you're after. There is where some self-doubt can enter into the picture. You might have approached a situation, a project at work or at education or something with your kids that you wanted to improve, and you approached with confidence, you knew that you had the right ideas, and then you implemented it, and the outcome was not what you expected. There comes self-judgment that you were wrong, you didn't do it right, and that feeds that self-doubt. The next time you come up with a project at work or an idea to implement in the family or for yourself, transforming yourself, you reference automatically that past incident that the outcome wasn't what you wanted, and so then you say, "Oh, there's that self-doubt. I can't do it this time." If you do that several times over and over, you feed that self-doubt, you feed it, you grow it, it becomes so strong, and it becomes a huge voice in your head. Self-doubt, every decision you make, you doubt if you did it right, if it's going to turn out right. And here's the kicker. Stay with me for a minute and think about this concept. Outcomes are not good or bad, they just are. If you did the very best that you could do, and the outcome is not what you expected or wanted, it does not mean that you didn't do it right. It means that's the outcome that happened. Think about that. Accept that. Outcomes are not good or bad. They don't prove that you're not good enough. They don't prove that you don't know what you're doing. They don't prove anything except for that was the outcome you got. Does that mean you don't go back and process or debrief that outcome? No. You can go back and ask yourself, "What was I doing that worked well that carried this to what I wanted the outcome to be? What was I doing that didn't work so well that carried it to being what I wanted and what I didn't want it to be?" It all comes back to our mindset, and believe me, I know this is hard for most of us because we're used to looking at circumstances. I was conditioned to look at circumstances in my life, circumstances: people, places, and things. I thought I could be happy if I could get those all lined up to be operating the way that I wanted them to be. They were all outside of me. That's the point I want to make really with self-doubt. It's fed from looking outside yourself for validation, for approval, for evidence about you. It's all in your mind. What might reinforce that self-doubt? Of course, we talked about it. Judgment, self-conditioning, looking for validation outside yourself are big culprits to feeding that self-doubt voice. Is it ever healthy for self-doubt? Yes, of course, because we don't want to be overconfident. We don't want to be cocky. We don't want to be so self-assured that we don't even think or question ourselves. No, that's not what we're after. We're after a calm, reasonable assessment of our value and being able to step into discomfort and take a risk and try it out and not have self-doubt stop you before you even do it. Self-doubt and procrastination, oh, my. Do these two ever come together for you? They do for me. Self-doubt is uncomfortable. If I don't stop and identify it, it's just a murky feeling that I have inside that says, I'm not comfortable. I'm not comfortable. I made a big decision. Now I'm worried that that decision wasn't right. I'm concerned about the outcome. I'm concerned about my ability. I accepted a new job. It's really a stretch for me. I don't know if I can do it. The scope is much bigger than I anticipated," and the self-doubt can start to worry you. When I feel self-doubt and discomfort, it's so tempting to want to procrastinate. We think, "Oh, I'd rather do this over here." TV, social media, eating - other things that-- shopping sometimes for me, I have to admit it. My family knows it, and I don't like to admit it, but it's true. I love to shop. It's distracting, but it doesn't go away. We all know that about procrastinating. It doesn't change that this is an uncomfortable situation and that what I need to do is face it head-on. Face that self-doubt. Face those feelings about myself. If they're big enough and strong enough, talk them over with a friend, a coach, a mentor, somebody that we trust at work, if you have that relationship with your supervisor, sure. Go for it. If you're an entrepreneur and you're in the trenches and you feel like you're on your own, cultivate relationships with people that give you honest, true feedback, and that you can call on. None of us can do this alone, this job, this thing called living. We try to do it alone and suffer for it. The first thing that really is helpful is to really just have a conversation with it. You make a decision, you accept the job, you accept the project. Now, all of a sudden, you're struggling. You're feeling self-doubt. Say- "Oh, hello. Hello there, self-doubt. I hear you doubting my ability to perform this task." Ask it, "What makes you think I can't do it?" Respond to it, "Well then, I hear that, and you could be right. I might not be able to perform this task, but I won't know if I don't try. You're right, I haven't done this before, so I don't have a reference point to fall back on. Self-doubt, what's the worst that could happen? It doesn't turn out the way that I anticipated. Have I done that before? Have I lived through it?" Reframe it in your mind, what's the worst that can happen? What's the worst that can happen? Self-doubt wants to put a lot of drama in there and say, "Oh, if it doesn't work out, you can get fired and people will leave you and your relationship will fail." Self-doubt adds a lot of drama, a lot of awfulizing, like, "Oh my God, oh my God, it's going to be the worst ever." Tone it down and say, "Yes, I understand that that is a possible outcome, but really, has that been my experience? Have I gotten fired before for making a mistake?" I'm sure people do every day. Yes, they do. Is that the end of the world? Maybe not. How to strengthen your confidence? How do you think you can strengthen confidence? First of all, in your mind, there's a place, a centered place, where you really love yourself, whether you admit it or not. You can go to that place with self-awareness, self-love, and self-compassion. What it really takes is letting go of perfectionism. There's a lot of other things, but there is a big one right there. We all strive for perfectionism because we compare our insides to other people's outsides. We look at somebody else from the outside, and we think they have it all together, we think they know exactly how to approach every situation, we think they're so successful, and we compare our insides where we're feeling, maybe, self-doubt, maybe some concern about being unable to handle things. We are so aware of every mistake we've ever made in our life, so we compare all that internal stuff we know about us to the outside facade that we see and make up about somebody else. Perfectionism is not ever going to be accomplished. Anybody that you look at, they may have honed their skills and be able to come across very self-assured and very confident, but don't, for a minute, think they haven't made mistakes, or that they don't feel like you do sometimes, self-doubt, concern about their abilities. We all have the same emotional makeup, and that is so critical to understanding how to let go of this perfectionism. We hear the saying, strive for excellence, not perfection. Even that can lead us to unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. Yes, excellence. Yes, doing the very best I can do, but guess what? Acknowledge yourself if the very best that you could do today was to show up in your office and do the minimum work that you had to do that day. That's excellent. Reframe what you think is excellent. Excellent doesn't always mean being at the top of the pack. No, it's not about being at the top of the pack. We have a very competitive nature in our society, we think it's all about being at the top of the pack, being the best. We think being a leader is that, and it's not. I love Sinek. I think that Simon Sinek has a video about wolves and how he shows that the leader in the wolf pack takes up rear of the pack. That's a moving video if you look for it on YouTube. It's so true. Anyway, I digress from our topic in hand. Many of my clients are challenged with acknowledging their strengths, what they do well, and their wisdom. They feel like it's bragging or being self-important, especially in the workplace, and especially as women in the workplace. We're conditioned to defer to men. We're conditioned to defer to always trying to be the best, and that shuts the door on experimentation and trial. Innovation comes from being willing to try something brand new, try it out, innovate. If we're in an environment where that's not right because you have to be perfect every day, you have to get it right every time. If you're in an environment where mistakes can't happen, failure is unaccepted, oh my goodness, I feel for you because that's an environment that's just going to feed self-judgment and self-doubt. Think about that, not saying get out, saying maybe there's some room, some elbow room to bring something different to that picture, but if you continue to pay the price, what do you think the price might be for living with this judgment and self-doubt? What price do you pay as a human being on this planet when you doubt yourself when you don't believe in yourself? Well, number one, you hold back. You don't give 100%, because what if it's not right? What if it doesn't turn out the way you want? What if somebody laughs at you, or what if somebody criticizes you? All the what-ifs in the world. You hold back, you don't contribute. If you don't contribute your true gifts and talents, you don't feel fulfilled. I'm not talking about your company being fulfilled, or your company making money, or even your own business making money. If you don't contribute 100%, your gifts, and talents, whatever they are, you're not going to be fulfilled. If you're not fulfilled, you open the doors for unhappiness. You're not fulfilled, you're not contributing what you know you can contribute, so your self-esteem, your confidence is impacted. How about other people? How about other people? If you hold back with your friends, with your family with your work, how are they impacted? I'm pausing for you to think about that for a minute because we live in a world, we live in a community, and when we aren't doing what we know we can do, all around us are impacted, they pay the price as well. Maybe you don't get the promotion that you know you could have because you're afraid to try. That impacts your family, the resources that you have available for a family vacation, for your kids' education, the list goes on and on, your community. We all have a vibrant spirit and gifts, and we want to contribute that energy, I believe. Just ask yourself the questions about that. As you know, my show is based on small changes that lead to big shifts. What small changes could I recommend to you on this topic? Well, the number one thing with self-doubt is to embrace it, and that may seem counterintuitive, but we all know that what we resist persists. If you feel self-doubt, and you tell yourself, "Well, I can't experience this, I can't feel this, this isn't how I should be." If we try to push it away, push it down, it's just going to grow. It's still going to operate. Embrace it, talk to it, name it, that's another big important small step that you can take. Name, call it out. When you're aware of it say, "Well, hello, self-doubt," or whatever you name it. Mine is, "Oh, no, what if I'm wrong?" That's what I've named my self-doubt, "Oh, no. Mr. Oh no. Mrs. Oh no." Mine has a lot of drama, and quiet drama, because I'm not a very-- I view myself as being a self-contained person that goes with the flow and doesn't let things ruffle me, and so the drama is suppressed in my mind, but it's there. It's dramatic. It's going to be awful because doubt awfulizes. Another big important thing. That's two things, embrace it, name it. Really important, this one. Don't identify with it, don't say, "Well, that's just me." It's not just you, it's a habit. It's a mental habit that you've formed over your lifetime, and depending on how strong it is, depending on how much you've fed it. Don't accept it as true that it's just me. The fourth thing, stop looking for validation outside yourself. If you have this habit of looking outside yourself for being right or being happy - for proof or evidence. That's what we're looking for outside ourselves, evidence that we're right, evidence that we're worthy, evidence that we're lovable. You won't find it outside yourself, it really lives inside of you. Cultivate that new thinking. I made a decision. I don't know what the results will be. It could turn out the way I expect, it could turn out completely different, but it's my choice, I own it. It's me. It's mine. I'm going to commit to my choice. I'm going to do the best that I can. If it doesn't work out, it's not a reflection on me. It doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. It means maybe I didn't make it this time. But stop and learn everything that you could learn from having the experience because we're here to experience life. It's an experience. It's not an event. Do I have any follow-up comments? Yes, I do. Concepts? Just that  - they're concepts. When I talk about them on my show and I learn about them myself, they're interesting, they can be fun. They can be illuminating. They can be insightful, but that's it. They're just a mental construct, a concept. When you want to change, you have to apply something new. You apply the simple small steps. There's where it can be tricky because we think, "Oh, that's just a small thing, and I know that." We minimize it. We say, "That won't matter, that won't change." That's that voice in our head that says to stay the way you are. You don't have to change after all. You have done enough because you've got the concept. No, no, no. If you want to step forward and really improve your leadership skills, your confidence in yourself, your presence in your workplace, your contribution to your family, your friends, your world, your community, you need to apply small simple things that touch your heart, that say, "Yes, I can relate to that. I know I need to do it or I could do better maybe," and so on. No one can do that for you. You can't learn that about yourself. You have to apply it. You have to experience it. If you doubt your ability to change, start there. Start with little small steps and implement them consistently. Monitor your progress. Acknowledge every step that you take that takes you outside that habit that you want, and reward yourself. Find something juicy, something really, really fun that you want to do as a reward. Do I have any services or programs to promote? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Find my website, vickidawn.com. I have my eight-week training programs. I have my coaching programs. I have tabs on my website to help you personally, help your business. Find my Linktree. You can find links to my podcast. Please, if you love my podcast, if you like my message, share it with family and friends, and leave me a review because that really helps raise visibility. My Linktree where you can find all this is https://LINKTR.EE/vickidawn. As I end this episode today, I want to say, please remember, you live your life, your beautiful life, one moment, one step at a time. Thanks for listening and being here today.

Summary: This is a continued discussion about radical self-acceptance and love, not the self-serving love we may have been taught to think self-love is, but having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Learning what your needs are and not sacrificing them to please someone else. We visit the cost of people pleasing and Laurie gives tools for working through your emotions to process them rather than stuffing them. [00:00:02] Vicki: Hi, Laurie. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for joining me. Our topic today is Can I Really Love Myself. I'm really excited about this topic with you because I know that you have a coaching business and you've done a lot of self-work yourself on this topic. To make sure that we get it right, I'll ask you to introduce yourself and tell us what you're up to and what you do. [00:00:39] Laurie: Yes, thank you. My name is Laurie Schible. My business is Laurie Schible Coaching. [00:21:01] Vicki: How did you come to this work and what do you gain personally from doing this? [00:21:10] Laurie: [laughs] That is such a good question, Vicki. I seriously- I know I will be on a growth journey for the rest of my life because I love it. It is this constant self-discovery that is constantly taking me deeper. The more that I do and the deeper I go, the more I'm able to do for my clients, and the more I do, the more I learn, and the more I learn, the more I realize how much I have to learn. It is so humbling and empowering at the same time. I was just going through a practice the other day, where I was thinking about- I was going through a whole confidence issue like- having a doubt day. I just looked at where I was even six months ago. I am in totally a different place than I was even six months ago because I'm just constantly on this journey and I have made it my life's work. Where did this start? It's funny to hear that question because I attributed it to-- When I was in the corporate world, always what I loved more than anything was managing a team because I love to mentor and guide them. I would always tell my employees, "My goal is for you to one day become my boss." When I realized this was like my life's work and making the transition, I was telling a lifelong friend this, "Okay, this is what I'm doing. I'm going to become a life coach. I'm getting certified." He just looked at me and he said, "Laurie, you have been coaching your whole life. I remember you in middle school. You were the person who could literally- would have a sense and a pulse on everyone in the room and would sense that one shy person in the corner, and you would go up and you would talk to that one person." He was like, "In high school, you were the person who didn't belong to any click or club, and you were a part of every click or club." [laughs] It was really interesting to hear that just from external observation, that it has been such a natural thing that I've actually been doing my whole life, which makes sense now, looking back why I was so drawn to that and did it so naturally in my corporate world, and how it ultimately led me down to this path.  [00:24:04] Vicki: Thank you. It's very fulfilling I can tell for you. As many of my clients, and I'm sure you run into it too, are very challenged with putting themselves first, can you share a little bit the price tag they pay for people-pleasing and for accommodating? [00:24:25] Laurie: Absolutely, and I will just tell you this, the price is immense. It is the difference between actually living the life you're meant to live and living unhappy, having misery in your life. It is the difference between actually going after your dreams and making them a reality because it's all possible. It's all possible for us and living with regrets. The cost to me, when I think about it, is actually immeasurable and we all have gifts. We are all born worthy, and nothing has changed. We're just conditioned to think otherwise. There's a reason that none of us looks the same. We all have different body shapes and types and styles and personalities. We all have unique gifts, and they look like every dif ferent shape and form that you can imagine. When we really tap in and assess what are the core values and what do I really want, what do I really desire, and asking yourself that question without the external influence, "This is what I want, but I could never do that because--" "This is what I would love to do, but I don't have the talent for that," how quickly we squash our own dreams, the cost is that we might live completely out of alignment and not truly find our joy in life. The cost is exhaustion, overwhelm, disease. It's profound. When any of us, and especially as women, because of conditioning, we're conditioned, when we're little, that boys are rewarded for what they do. "Oh, look at Billy running out in the field and catching the ball. He fell down and isn't that great." As girls, we're conditioned for who we are. "Oh, little Susie, she's so polite and quiet. Oh, look at her pretty little dress." From a very early age, we get conditioned, and we follow in that path, and it gets so deeply rooted in us that it can mask what we truly desire. It can also make us feel like we could never have that, when those glimpses of our true desires come to the surface, our conditioning, we immediately go to, "Oh, but I can never have that. I can never do that," just because of this deep conditioning. When we become aware of that and we actually allow ourselves to dream and we allow ourselves to desire and really actually just own what we want without knowing how, just owning what we want, we're already coming into alignment with ourselves where we're staying true to who we are. This can work even in the corporate world where the tendency is, we overwork. We take on things and more things because we think, "Oh, that's the right thing to do," or "If I could only do this or work harder, then I'll get the promotion." The list goes on and on. Really it stems from people-pleasing and over-giving and thinking that "Oh, if I just do more, take on more," and what ends up happening is we throw ourselves into exhaustion, overwhelm burnout, and we lose our joy in life. We lose our sense of liveliness. It takes an extreme toll on our mental and emotional well-being our physical well-being, and if we keep going down that path, it can lead to all sorts of disease illness. The key for us is to become aware and to take ownership and agency over our lives, to know that it doesn't have to be that way. When we think about what is the cost, when we keep going to that level, what is the cost to not only your life but your marriage, the relationship with your kids, relationships with your friends, your family, your level, your quality of life. There are so many prices that we pay for walking someone else's path for not speaking up, for not taking on the extra project, for saying yes when we want to be a no, there's so many levels to this. At the core, this is where we get to see it for what it is. This really stems into what we define as what's called patriarchy. Patriarchy has been around for a very, very long time. Patriarchy affects men and women. If we look at how we're living today, everything really shifted in the last 50 years or so, 100 years or so with the industrial revolution in the last 50 years with women having more or less equal rights to really go after any job that we desire, now we're all in the workforce, and as women, we're now full-time, full-time employees, we're full-time moms, we're cooks, we're cleaners, we're taking care of the 1,001 tasks. We haven't been given the tools on how to say no and how to really stand up for what we believe is actually right. Think about how many times have we actually really felt it in our bones, in our intuition that something's off, something's not right and we didn't speak up, and then we later found out the consequences of that, and we wished that we had said something. So many layers to this around the costs that we pay. This is true for men too. Women come from a level of oppression, where it used to be that we were actually worth less than men. We didn't have the right to own property or earn money. On the flip side, men had the expectation that they must provide. They must fight. They must fight for the best life possible. They have to be providers. They can't show or express emotion because that would make them appear weak. So interesting when we really look at this history and where we are today, where that's not really true anymore. We all have the opportunity to really create the life that we desire. Especially in our country, it is not true in every country, but in our country, in our culture, we have an abundance, we have opportunities and abundance and capabilities. What we get to really own for women is that it's okay to say no. We don't have to people-please, because remember, when we have radical self-acceptance and we put ourselves first, that's when we create joy in our lives, and that benefits everybody around us. When we people-please and we over-give, we're exhausted, and then no one around us benefits, including ourselves, we all lose. Then on the flip side, really, we get to give permission for our men to feel, to own their emotions, to be compassionate, to be open and vulnerable, to not always put on their warrior hats and be the strong one. We're all human. We get to have real human experiences. The key for all of that is the acknowledgment of our feelings or thoughts and emotions and the allowance for them. A lot of times what we do is we just resist it. Anytime anything uncomfortable or painful pops up, we just want to shove it down. Those emotions live in our system. They don't go away. The more we shove down, the more we're resisting them, the more they-- The stronger they get, the bigger they get and the more issues they cause in our system. It's universal. [00:34:29] Vicki: Yes. You're really talking about both men and women living authentic lives, whatever that means for them, knowing what it is, first of all, which is the first step, really, and then creating a community around you that allows you to express that. [00:34:50] Laurie: So true. My current mentor is Dr. Valerie Rein. She wrote the book Patriarchal Stress Disorder. She is a well-trained psychotherapist. What she discovered over time, she's like, "Okay, talk therapy isn't quite cutting it. There's got to be something else." She started doing somatic body processing and she started doing it with all of her clients. She had clients who went through major traumas in their life. Then she had clients who had great lives, great upbringing, no major trauma happening in their life, but they were in high-stress jobs, putting a lot of pressure on themselves. They were people-pleasing, over-giving. What she noticed is this sematic body processing, which is really just showing you how to process through your emotions and complete your stress cycle and allow it all to come through you, that everybody was benefiting from it. It's really interesting digging into this somatic body level and understanding how our emotions live within us and how profoundly they affect us, and  when we just simply allow them through and process them, how much peace we can gain. Remember when we bring that peace to ourselves, when we actually, instead of stuffing, we just acknowledge and we allow, and we let it to process through, we can bring peace, we can bring acceptance and that radical acceptance allows us to love. It's really a beautiful process that we're at large learning so much more around how the brain works and how pliable it is. Neuroplasticity, habit, just because we have it, it's changeable. It's just a path that's well-worn in our brain. We can create new paths. With consistency, we create new well-worn paths with a habit that better serves us. Now, we're really learning about this emotional process and how the body never forgets. All the emotions reside in us and when we don't allow them through, they sit in us, and they fester, and they grow. It's really important for us to process that through. Yes, so much to this and what all of these things, the mental, the emotional, the physical that can bring us back into this radical self-acceptance and self-love. [00:37:41] Vicki: Mind, body, and spirit. If we minimize or disregard one part, the other parts either become more exaggerated to try to make up for what I'm ignoring in my body, so to find that alignment and harmony-- My show is based on small changes leading to big shifts. This is a big topic. You and I have been in this work for a long, long time. Somebody that's just getting started or thinking, "Well, this is what I need," what are some concrete things they might do? Small- [00:38:22] Laurie: Small shifts, right? I always say small hinges swing big doors. [00:38:29] Vicki: I love that. [00:38:30] Laurie: Very small changes over time create massive shifts, massive results. Just a couple of things, I want to touch on the emotional piece. The nice thing is you don't have to actually know, what are all the emotions that are surfacing with me? When emotions arise, the first step is to allow them. Acknowledge that they're present and allow them to be because when we consciously acknowledge them, we immediately lessen the hold that they have on us because remember in all of this, our thoughts and emotions, typically warn us. This shifts so that we are in charge of our thoughts and emotion, all the difference in the world. You do that by simply acknowledging whatever comes up. This is another piece of conditioning. We want instant gratification. "I want the quick fix, give me the pill. I want it now." When we feel pain, we just want to make it better. Even if you're getting consoled by someone, usually what we hear people say is, "Oh, it'll be okay. It's going to be better. Oh, just do this. It'll be great." Actually, what serves us so much better is to just say, "Hey, it's okay, just be with it." When we create allowance for everything we feel without judgment, feelings are fleeting, we usually have a ton of feelings, we could feel like deep grief and utter joy, literally at the same time, and emotions are fleeting. They come and they go, they usually have a 90-second span, which is really interesting. Then some feelings stay with us mainly because it's a habit. We like to feel a certain way. Even if logically, it doesn't make sense to us, we're like, "Okay, I don't want to feel overwhelmed," but it's such a habit to feel overwhelmed, we stay in overwhelm. Just know that emotions are fleeting, and when we allow them, then we can process through them and get them out of our system much quicker, and they no longer have a hold on us. The first step is to acknowledge what am I feeling and create space for it, allow it, and then just a quick tip to process it through. One of the easiest ways to actually process emotions through, which is also like completing our stress cycle, is to move your body. Whatever that looks like for you, go for a run, go for a walk, do a quick boxing series, dance like a crazy person in your house for five minutes, any kind of movement allows those emotions to come through you and you can release them, and you need to acknowledge them and just know like, "Okay, this is here." Say whatever needs to come out, allow it to come out, versus when we resist, we're just shoving it in. It's not going away. It will continue to get louder and louder. Create space, acknowledge, allow, and process, move those emotions through you, through movement. That's my first beginner level. If you did that on a daily basis, you don't even have to know what the emotions, all of them are, just say whatever needs to come through, allow it to come through, and just move your body and allow that to come through. That will help reduce your stress, overwhelm, any emotions that are residing. You will feel relief. Another thing that is a really great practice, and this is actually a way to help keep things in a neutral space, when we do something, whether we have great success or if it's an utter failure, here's the way I look at this, whenever we have success, there are always things that we did do wrong, even though it was successful. Conversely, when we failed at something, it didn't work out, there are many things that we did do right. Then some things that we didn't do right, that had it not work. When we think about success and failure, that way, it's a lot easier to look at it all from a neutral space. I do a very simple three-step process to evaluate anything. I do this in my business, and always if I have a consult or if I have a coaching session, I'm like, "It didn't go well, let me evaluate this," or, "It went great. Let's evaluate it. What did work?" Or anything, a conversation with my husband. Anything in your life you can evaluate and learn from, whether it is a success or failure or ongoing. What I do is I first ask myself, "Okay, what worked or what's working?" I write down all the things that worked, and it's important to ask yourself what worked first. The next question I ask is, "Okay, what didn't work, or what's not working?" It's important to ask that what worked first because when our brain goes to that, we start thinking about all the things that really did work out and that'll lead to other things, "Oh, well, then this happened, and this happened. Oh, and this happened," when we focus on what didn't work first, it tends to set us in that negative mood, and it's harder to look at the positive or the things that worked. Do it in this order. Step one, what worked? Step two, what didn't work? Then step three, just ask yourself, what can I learn here? What am I learning from this situation? What are all the things that I learned? Here's the goldenness. All those things that you learned; those are the things that you can go take action on. You'll always know what you need to do. That's a really easy way, whether you do this to evaluate your business, a project that you're doing, that you're working on or finished, a conversation that you have, anything, you can use that process for anything in your life, and it is profoundly revealing. When we can look at it from a neutral space, not make ourselves bad and wrong for all the stuff we did wrong, then we can learn. It's coming from that place. Let me learn from this situation where all the gold is. Those would be the two basic practices that I would say are really, really awesome. If you did nothing else and followed those two, you're going to continue to move yourself forward. [00:45:57] Vicki: I agree. I use those practices or something similar too, and I especially like the neutrality and not judging ourselves. Recently, I was asking myself, and you've talked about the habit of overwhelm, I create my own schedule. If I'm overwhelmed, who created that? It is a habit, but the benefit that I got from it was being a little deceitful with myself because underneath it for me is resistance. When I started recognizing, "Oh, what I'm really saying is I'm resisting. I'm resisting something I set up that I want to do myself anyway." [chuckles] That can be- and if I was judging and heavy-handed on myself, I could use that as a reason to beat myself up, but instead, isn't that interesting? [00:47:02] Laurie: Yes. I love that approach, Vicki, it's coming from curiosity instead of judgment. That takes that clears out the self-critic when we just get curious instead. When we get curious and we honor ourselves, for what we're doing, no matter what the result is, good or bad, when we honor ourselves for being human, instead of criticizing ourselves, accept ourselves, then we are creating that radical self-acceptance and self-love. We really get to check in when that critic pipes up, and instead of all the judgment, just simply get curious. [00:47:59] Vicki: Do you have any services or programs you want to tell our audience about and how would our audience find you? [00:48:07] Laurie: Yes. Yes. I do group programs and I do one-on-one clients right now. I have a Facebook group where I do lots of teachings, webinars, and special workshops. I do all of that for free, so the Facebook group is the B&B Club: Breaking your Own Boundaries and BS. [00:48:33] Vicki: I love it. [00:48:34] Laurie: Yes. Anyone is welcome to join that. That is that space where I create a community where we all talk and share and where I create a lot of value and content and just teach. That's a big space. You're welcome to join that. I also have a website. It's just laurieschible.com. It is just that simple. On my website, I have a freebie giveaway that I want to offer to your audience. On my website, there is a button for it. You just click the link and it'll download, and we'll send it to your email. The giveaway is Five Steps to Stop Procrastinating and Achieve your Goals With Ease. That is available for your audience and anybody who would like it. You just go to my website for that. Also, I am in Facebook, Laurie Schible Coaching is my business site, and then on Instagram as well, also under Laurie Schible Coaching. Lots of ways to get in touch with me, feel free to send me a Facebook message. That's probably the easiest way to get in touch with me, send me a message or through Instagram, yes, and join the Facebook group, and join us in some of the workshops and the content. You are all welcome here, and I love and honor the community that we've created. [00:50:10] Vicki: Thank you, Laurie. Thank you so much for being here. I've really enjoyed the show and you've contributed a lot to the understanding for the audience and I know they'll appreciate and value it too. [00:50:23] Laurie: Awesome. Thank you so much, Vicki. This's been a true honor and a pleasure. Thank you. [00:50:29] Vicki: Thank you. For my audience as I close out and end the show, you can find me, the easiest place is https://linktr.ee/vickidawn.com. You'll find my website, and how to subscribe to the podcast. My Facebook group link, everything will be there for you, and more probably than you care to push. As we say goodbye, remember you create your beautiful life one moment, one step at a time. Thank you for listening.

Summary: This discussion is about radical self-acceptance and love, not the self-serving love we may have been taught to think self-love is, but having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Learning what your needs are and not sacrificing them to please someone else. We visit judging ourselves and how forgiveness and compassion relieve that critical voice. This discussion will continue in Can I Really Love Myself Part 2. [00:00:02] Vicki: Hi, Laurie. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for joining me. [00:00:07] Laurie Schible: Absolutely. This is so exciting and such an honor to be here with you today, Vicki. [00:00:13] Vicki: Thank you. Our topic today is Can I Really Love Myself. I'm really excited about this topic with you because I know that you have a coaching business and you've done a lot of self-work yourself on this topic. To make sure that we get it right, I'll ask you to introduce yourself and tell us what you're up to and what you do. [00:00:39] Laurie: Yes, thank you. My name is Laurie Schible. My business is Laurie Schible Coaching. I spent 20 years in the corporate world. I lived the constant roller coaster of burnout in and out, high stress for a very long time. I never felt that I belonged. One thing that was consistent throughout my career is I really loved and honored the role of leadership and of mentor. It through a series of events brought me into this space of coaching which feels like such a gift to have found this and I feel it is truly a calling for me. I am so passionate about helping people have their breakthroughs and live better lives. Where I really focus on is I really help business owners and professionals manage their minds and their emotions so they can create the life and the work that they truly desire. What I have learned is that we are the only things really ever getting in the way. It is about the mind chatter that happens automatically that creates a whole rapid-fire series of feelings and emotions that stop us or hold us back more than anything. I help people open up to these blind spots and understand how to truly have radical acceptance, love of themselves, and empower themselves so they can really create the love of life and work that they desire. That in a nutshell is what I do. [00:02:33] Vicki: I love that. It feels exciting. I can see your passion for what you do in your face, in your voice. Let's start with the concept of loving yourself, what that means in everyday life. How would you define it? [00:02:52] Laurie: It's such a great question, Vicki. I think it is something that we're really not taught in our society because self-love, the phrase in and of itself, can go two ways. It can go the way of what we talk about, or it can go the way of ego-centric, self-centered. We're so conditioned that that is where we lead, that sometimes people really shy away from this radical self-acceptance and self-love because we automatically go to like, "That's so egotistical or on conceited." and that's not what it actually means. That is an entirely different thing. To be honest, people who are very conceited or self-centered are generally actually very insecure and are very much looking for something and don't really contain self-love. For me, self-love really means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. It's about taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. [00:04:17] Vicki: I love that. That's my definition too. [laughs] How did you know that? [00:04:24] Laurie: We're so in line. [00:04:25] Vicki: Yes. Given that, what qualities would I embody to love myself? Could it be just compassion and caring but also tough love? Could that work in there? [00:04:40] Laurie: Yes, both, actually. Here's the thing. Compassion is a huge part of this, and the tough love piece comes from something we'll talk about in a little bit around how to do that in a neutral way so that we're not highly judgmental because really the secret, the qualities are about radical self-acceptance and self-approval. When we approve ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works. This means that we have radical acceptance of our now and we celebrate exactly who we are in this very moment. Even as we grow and evolve and we go through the hard times and we falter and as we have breakthroughs to get to our next level, we're constantly celebrating who we are in this very moment and in the next very moment, the good, the bad, the ugly, all along the way. When we can have that level of radical self-acceptance and take ownership of everything that happens, be willing to get it wrong and to learn, celebrate when we have success, and when that happens, celebrate all of the parts of us, that's when things get really fun, and that's when we really create the joy and the happiness. Self-love with compassion, grace, and honor is what helps us create that happiness and joy in life. That actually comes first. We talk a lot about- people are like, "Okay, one day, when I get to this place of my career and my business gets to this level and I'm in a good relationship and I have this and I have that, then I'll be happy." That's actually backward thinking. Then really the secret around self-love is owning all of it and finding joy in who we are in every moment. When we feel joyful now, that is actually the fuel that drives our motivation to go do all the things that we desire to do and that's where we create new opportunities, and we make more money, and we actually open up our minds and we become even more creative. It's a way of being that actually comes first, and self-acceptance comes first. Then all these little miracles happen all over the place. When we do it that way, it seems to happen without effort. That really comes from being intentional about our way of being before we go to do all the things that we desire to do. [00:07:49] Vicki: I appreciate that a lot, that comment that it can be effortless almost and a sense of ease instead of the driving and striving and working and trying and pushing ourselves that I was conditioned to do in the corporate world. [00:08:10] Laurie: It's interesting because it doesn't come without hard work and effort, but when we push and we are constantly in that, what we're actually creating is resistance. We're trying to force it. When we actually come from an intentional place that this actually gets to be easy, it doesn't mean that we're not working hard or doing a lot of our efforting, it's about how we're stepping into it. We can be just as busy throughout the day, and if our intentionality is this gets to be fun and easy, we can be super productive and have it feel good and actually have it just flow very naturally instead of it feeling very stressful and overwhelming and exhausting. That's a really, really radical difference in how we approach our work. [00:09:19] Vicki: I agree 100%. What might a daily practice include to be self-loving? [00:09:28] Laurie: Well, it's an interesting question, Vicki. I always say to my clients, the first anything that we do, it starts with ourselves. We talk about this radical self-acceptance and self-approval, and when we have that, we love ourselves, we create that. It's so critical for us to love ourselves, accept ourselves first. We are conditioned to look external for all our answers, for approval, for what's right or wrong. It's just we are conditioned that as a society to look outside ourselves for all of that, but, truly, the only answer comes from within. We're the only ones that know truly what is right for us in any given moment. That's why it is so important to start from within and to trust ourselves. There're a few steps in that. First is really trusting yourself, trusting your intuition, knowing that you always have the answers, and really listening in. Another big factor is about forgiveness. When I say forgiveness, forgiveness really comes from- it might be forgiving others, it's also about forgiving ourselves. When we are struggling, a good example is all of the dis-ease that happens in our system that can cause diseases and a lot of other things, it usually comes from some state of unforgiveness that were living within our bodies. When we're holding onto grudges, resentment, or disappointment, when we actually give that up and we let it go is when we find peace within. That's when we come back into alignment with ourselves, and we have the acceptance of ourselves. Does that make sense? [00:11:45] Vicki: I love that concept. It makes perfect sense. [00:11:49] Laurie: It is important to note, too, forgiving is not about condoning the bad behavior of others. It's just about being willing to actually let it go because when we hold on, the only person that we are actually hurting is ourselves. All we have to do is really just be willing to forgive. When we let go, we release ourselves from the burden and then we love ourselves enough to get out from under that burden. That's really important. Another component of it is forgiving ourselves. I have an interesting exercise that I use. I have a daily practice that I'll share what I do. It helps me really be intentional about what way of being am I choosing to come from as I go about my day, and I tie in what do I get to believe in order to make all of this possible. My personal morning practice, I actually go through- this doesn't take very long, I will go through just some quick journaling, and I just go through an assessment of "What am I thinking? What am I feeling?" because our thoughts and our feelings from most of us tend to run us. That's why it is so important to become aware of what we're actually thinking because our thoughts are so automated, they become habitual. Even our feelings, the feeling of self-doubt, the feeling of overwhelm, overwhelm is actually just a feeling, and overwhelm tends to come in when we are avoiding doing something because, at the root, we doubt ourselves, or we might feel impostor syndrome where we're comparing ourselves to someone else, like, "Oh, I could never be like that," and then we doubt ourselves. At the root for almost everyone is that we don't feel we're enough. Understanding that is when we journal, it helps us uncover for ourselves what's actually going on underneath the situation of what's happening. Taking a few minutes to just journal and think about, "What are the thoughts? What am I feeling? What's actually creating it? What's actually true?" that helps us outline what are just our own thoughts and feelings versus what's actually true, what are the facts, what could we prove in a court of law versus thoughts and feelings which, most of the time, aren't even true. They're just things that go flooding through our system, most of which aren't true, so then we get to decipher. Doing a brief journaling exercise helps me decipher that. It's really self-coaching, so I do that. Then I have a list of beliefs that I say to myself each day, and they're reminders for me of who I'm stepping into. It's important to state to believe in the present time. As part of my beliefs, I have my list here, "I am at peace. I am constantly generating money flow easily." Beliefs you want to state in the present tense as if they're already happening because the words that we say, our brains are hearing. Think about all the things that we say to ourselves, the inner critic, all the harsh things that we say, our brain is always listening. Our brain doesn't decipher between good and bad; it just hears what it hears and then our brain goes to work on making what it hears come true because our brain is just hardwired to keep us safe, our brain is going to do whatever it takes to keep us safe. If we are stating, "This is something as if it is already true," the brain goes, "Oh, okay. This is how it is." Then our brain will start reinforcing that. It's a really interesting dynamic around belief work, though we're not really taught because that really embodies our way of being. It's just really more of a feminine quality, not male-female, just in terms of feminine energy versus masculine energy. Feminine energy is all about flow, intentionality. Masculine energy is about linear thinking, thought process, critical thinking. Both are valuable and beautiful. We all have access to all of them, and as a culture, we've all- men, women, children, everyone, have been taught to really lean into our masculine energy. It feels different to lean into this intentionality and way of being. When we practice it on a daily basis, it's profound how different it can actually take you through the course of your day. I do quick journaling, and then I go through my belief statements, and I say them as if they're already true. Sometimes I do a brief meditation. Meditation is literally nothing more than just really sitting still, deep breathing, and emptying out your mind. You're really uncluttering your mental and emotional space, that's really all of that is. When you clear out all the clutter because most of what's happening in our brain, it's a lot of our critical thoughts and then tons of stuff from the external world that we've consumed. Meditation helps us unclutter our minds and our emotions and start from a clean slate. That's my morning practice, and especially on the days where I am feeling doubt, where my inner critic is starting to take over, I notice that in my journaling. I jot it down and then I write, "What do I choose to believe instead?" Then I go through that process. That, to me, has been a really profound way for me to start my day that has been what has helped me catapult my business forward. [00:18:57] Vicki: I appreciate your comments because I think that as a society, we're also trained that once you learn something, it's the same as implementation, and that's just not the truth. We have to do something to make it real. I can slip back into that negative critical thinking without that self-awareness that journaling, and meditating provides. And clearing that space to let that critical voice come back up and say, "Oh, there you are again, you pesky little fellow." [laughter] [00:19:33] Vicki: It wants to slap you down a little bit and put in something a little more self-loving and self-caring in our thinking. I love that. [00:19:43] Laurie: I'm so glad you brought that up because that being kind to our self and not criticizing our self is what leads to self-love. We all know, we all have that inner voice that so harshly judge us, the inner critic, like the things that we say to ourselves in our head, we would never say to anyone else. It's that voice, that is us thinking and criticizing ourselves. When we're criticizing ourselves, it's hard to love ourselves. That's the catching ourselves in the act of that and then going, "Oh, okay, what's actually true here?" Then feeding ourselves with what we know is true and what we believe and desire to be true. That is a huge shift. That is very, very helpful and this morning practice really helps put aside that inner critic and those judgmental thoughts and replace them with what we desire to think and to feel. [00:20:57] Vicki: If our best friend was talking to us, what would they say, right? [00:21:00] Laurie: Yes.

Summary: Kelly McGrath discusses Nonviolent Communication and how it benefits her life, her mediation practice, and her clients. Nonviolent communication is it's a method of communication that was founded and created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and it has four components. Observations, feelings, needs, and requests. Your observation versus your evaluations, so the things you would see if a video was being taken of something, that's the observation, what actually occurred. And then we all put our spin on that in our mind, based on our past family of origin beliefs and other beliefs. So those are the evaluations that we make, or the judgements that we make about the observations. Your feelings, and your feelings point to needs that are being met or not met, so feelings and needs. And those needs are universal all over the world, needs such as support and kindness and consideration, joy, beauty, things that everyone can understand. And requests. So, requests versus demands. A request is something you want someone else to do to get your need met, and if they decline that request, you're okay with it. You know it's a request if you're okay with them saying no. Welcome Kelly McGrath Honestly Kelly I'm very impressed with your background and what you're up to, so I'm going to let you explain because I want to be sure it's highlighted in a way that really expresses what you do. K: Well thanks and I'm very happy to be here. I'm a mediator and a peace-loving lawyer. I have my own practice Kelly McGrath Law, and we really guide people through the most challenging conversations of their lives, so they stay out of court. And I use all my background, so I'm an integrative lawyer, which means that I am very holistic, I bring all of my learning, not just my legal education, but all of my background with me and into my practice. So, I have education and skills in trauma and resilience and in nonviolent communication which is a way of showing up in the world that removes the judgment and evaluation and is based on universal human needs. So, I really treat my clients with all of my background, not just my legal expertise. And I do a lot of training on communication skills for parents and foster parents and teens and couples. V: That's fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. So, our session today is on nonviolent communication. Would you explain a little of what that means? K: Sure, it's a method of communication that was founded and created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and it has four components. Your feelings, and your feelings point to needs that are being met or not met, so feelings and needs. And those needs are universal all over the world, needs such as support and kindness and consideration, ah, joy, beauty, things that everyone can understand. And then your observation versus your evaluations, so the things you would see if a video was being taken of something, that's the observation, what actually occurred. And then we all put our spin on that in our mind, based on our past family of origin beliefs and other beliefs. So those are the evaluations that we make, or the judgements that we make about the observations. So, observations, evaluations, requests. So, requests versus demands.  What a request is. A request is something you want someone else to do to get your need met, and if they decline that request, you're okay with it. You know it's a request if you're okay with them saying no. If you make a request, what you think is a request and someone says no and then you're mad or something bad happens for the other person, you stonewall them, that that was really a demand. So, talking about feelings and needs and faux feelings which are things that we were taught that we say are feelings that really have that layer of judgment and evaluation on them and blame someone else. And those are really not feelings. Feelings are sensations in our body, like joy, anger, frustration, and things like that. Faux feelings are things like when someone says, “I feel neglected”, Or “I feel abandoned.” Or “I feel disrespected.” Or “I feel abused.” Now, a disclaimer, I'm not talking about the actual physical abuse or neglect or abandonment that is real. I'm talking about when people say they feel this way. V: Right K: Those are faux feelings so those have that layer of judgement that someone else is to blame for that. For that “feeling”. So that's what nonviolent communication is. It seems very simple, but the trick is to implement it in your life. V: Absolutely. Because so often we have to know what we are feeling and a lot of us don't want to admit our feelings because of past conditioning like you said. K: Right, and really, we're not trained to notice our feelings during the day, so if you don't check in with yourself, say you're going to a meeting and you don't check in with yourself but you had a very challenging morning; the kids were late and your husband yelled at you and you're driving to work and there is a lot of traffic and you get in this meeting. You're going to show up in a way and say things maybe in a way that you are not in alignment with your values. So, if you take a moment before that meeting and check in with yourself, close your eyes, take a deep breath, a belly breath and, “What am I feeling right now – I'm really feeling agitated.” Okay, and then you think, your feelings point to needs getting met or not met so then you think “What am I needing right now?” And it might be something like ease or support. Once you can have that sense of clarity, it doesn't make your problems go away, but it helps you ratchet that response down. Or that reaction down so that you can show up and respond in a way that you want to. So, then you can walk in that meeting and say okay, I'm going to focus on this meeting, you know. So, I bring a lot of that into my practice. Because legal issues, they're not about the legal issue, they're about the emotions that are happening because of that legal problem. That's why people hire lawyers or mediators, to help with their issue so that their emotions, so they can have ease in their life. V: I think it is so true that we don't practice knowing what we need, and then, I have been conditioned over my career that you just show up and do, you don't have emotions, you don't have needs, you just align yourself to what the expectations are. So, there is a lot of conflict in the workplace that just doesn't ever get dealt with or swept under the rug and it just brews. K: Um hum, and from a bottom-line perspective and the best thing an employer can do is really learn and get some professional education and mentorship in communication and conflict resolution. Because you're gonna lose the good people, and you're gonna keep people that are causing problems if you don't know how to manage that. And also like you said, you can build up resentment, people can feel like they are not heard there, so it's really important. Actually, the CEO of Microsoft, when he came in as CEO, he gave everyone Marshall Rosenberg's book. Everyone in top leadership. “Nonviolent Communication the Language of Life.” He really felt that that soft skill is one of the most important things for a successful business. V: I absolutely agree. What I have seen often is workplace bullies don't get reigned in, they leave a wreckage behind, and nobody is really able to resolve that situation (laugh) So, I agree, K: I totally agree. And you know the workplace bully is, often times that person was victimized. V: Right K: In their past. So, you have to know that okay, that person probably has some needs that aren't being met. And you know if they are a star performer, it's worth your business, it's worth it for your business to go ahead and manage that. So, bring them in and have a conversation with them. And the conversation is observational – “When you did this, said this, or acted in this certain way,” without any judgement, just what happened, I felt, insert the feeling, “frustrated, sad, angry, confused, because I have a need for, and then it's, communication, clarity, support, kindness, whatever that need is. And then the request. And the request is who will do what by when. My request is put your complaints in an email to me so that we can talk about them at an assigned time, rather than, you know, whatever the observation that they did was, talk at the water cooler about it. So that is a simple way that businesses can keep the best people and also help connection between the employees, and the employees and management. V: And I think that productivity is only ever increased when people feel that they are on the same page, they feel safe in their work environment, they feel heard like you said, they feel like they are a contribution, so allowing somebody to…and I love what you said, that that person they are not bad or wrong by being a bully, although we think that bully means sometimes bad or wrong, it's just the method of communicating that might not work very well. So, to reframe it and say this person has needs also and let's reframe this interaction for a way that works. That takes some practice. K: Yeah, I agree, you know we all need mentorship, and we all need skill building our entire lives. And communication and conflict resolution skill building most of all because that impacts every area of your life, personal and professional. I have a background in restorative justice too, which is a way of dealing with harm and crime that brings the parties together and asks four questions: What happened? Who was impacted and how? What needs to be done to make things as right as possible? And what needs to be done to make sure this never happens again? And that combined with NVC, nonviolent communication is just a way of managing your team, it's problems and miscommunication that doesn't push blame and shame on anybody. It focuses on the observation of what happened. Everyone was there, everyone knows what happened. Let's put it out here, let's talk about what can be done and make things as right as possible. You can't always make things completely right, go back to how it was before but you can make things as right as possible, and people can have the opportunity to feel heard. One of the aspects of restorative justice is that even the offender, the offender, whoever the offender is, can repair harm if they admit accountability and want to make things as right as possible. And no one wants to be thought of in their worst moment of their life, you know. We all make mistakes, even really bad ones or hard ones, challenging ones. But there are things that can be done to make things as right as possible and to change and grow, even that person, like that workplace bully. V: I think that would really help families also. That concept, because so often in a frustrating – I had some frustrating experiences with my own children, and you throw your hands up in the air and you say I just don't know what to do. (laughter) And that's probably the real honest statement. (Yeah) and then we grab for something that doesn't work very well, like the scolding or I'll tell you what to do. (laughter) K: Well yeah, we often go back to our family of origin training, unless we get new training. And you know, even then we, we don't rise to the level of our expectation we fall to the level of our training. So, it's about that. But you know in that case, and I do work with not only couples, but parents and children, especially teens, using nonviolent communication and I volunteer with foster teens and foster parents when there is about to be a placement disruption or, basically that means the teen is about to be moved to a new foster home. And I use nonviolent communication with them, and I don't say use it, I practice it with them and help model that for them. But I think the training there teaches you that when you feel, when you notice your feelings as a parent, you're noticing your anger level rising or like tingly sensations, or your shoulders getting tight or you jaw getting tight, when you practice NVC you notice those sensations. So, once you notice those sensations you don't just automatically react to the situation, you know that you need empathy first. So that's when you need to walk away and say, “I'm feeling upset right now, let me go think about things and come back and talk to you.” Because your ultimate need is connection with your child, that's the ultimate goal, and of course mentorship for them to be an autonomous independent person. But, people, when people are upset, especially parents, they want to try to solve the problem quickly. The problem they need to solve is to get clear about what their need is. (yeah) And get clear about what their feelings are. And there is a request they can make of their child. V: And I love that – to make a request, because as a parent I was trained to be authoritarian, (yeah), and we know it didn't work real well when my parents were authoritative, but let's bring it out because it's the tool of choice, right? K: It is, and it's the easy one and it's, you know why it's because - at that moment we are lacking personal power or feeling a need for personal power because we're not sure how to get out of this situation. So, the easiest thing to do to grab that personal power is to force someone to do something. So, yeah, we don't, people are happier when we do things with them rather than to them or for them. (yeah) So that's what NVC helps, it helps you get clear about what your needs are, what your feelings are and if there is a request you can make. And why. I tell this story about, and it's a fictional story, but about my husband, asking him to take the trash out. And I come home I see the trash is not taken out so I'm like ugh, can you take the trash out? Yeah, I'll take it out. And then I come back a few hours later and it's still overflowing. So, one way I can handle this is to start having judgmental thoughts. Like, I'm always the one that does everything around here, he never listens, and he doesn't pick up after himself and all this. And then I go yell. Right? Which can ruin the whole night. And it doesn't meet my ultimate need of connection with my husband. But, if I feel the rising sensation and I am astute enough and aware enough to say “Oh, I'm pretty upset about this.” Okay, I'm going to take a minute, my need is order. Right, that's really my need, order, beauty, in this situation, and consideration, right. And if I can feel that trigger go down a little bit I can also then, think what is he needing right now, what is going on for him right now that he didn't do that for me right away? So, a few things, it can be like he just got a new book that he's reading and his need for joy is a little bit above my need for order. And did I really tell him when I wanted it out? I didn't, so I wasn't clear. Like, “Hi, can you take the trash out within the next hour?” That would have solved the problem. So, it's not that he is lazy, and he doesn't want to help out, it's that I didn't give him clear instruction, I didn't ask for what I needed fully. And so, he is sittin  there “Hey, I'm going to take the trash out later after I read this chapter.” So instead, I could go and say, “Hey, You know I really would love the trash to be taken out now because of my need for order and I'm about to sweep,” or whatever. “Could you just take a minute and take it out right now, or within the next half hour after you finish this chapter?” That, that evening is completely different than the other one where I yelled at him, right? (yeah) And it's because I took a moment, and I didn't show up with an automatic reaction to something. And you know and I didn't assume, you know. So, it's been a lifelong practice for me, and I've been a practitioner, well, I say life long, I've been a practitioner for about thirteen years of nonviolent communication but very deeply practicing it and using it in my practice. So, it's life changing, and I really recommend anyone to take a class in nonviolent communication. It will change your life and how you show up. (yeah) V: I love that part about requests too because in the story that you shared, if you went in and you said to your husband and said I really need you to do this now, and they said no, I'm sorry I can't, then the idea to be okay with that - goes back to ownership too. It's my need for order, right? (Right, yeah.) I made the request. K: Yeah, exactly, and it could be something like, “You know what I really don't want to take it out now because I just got this new book, and can I read three chapters and then take it out?” “Sure.” And now in my head it's like okay it'll probably be out before the end of the night. (yeah) And then I walk away. You know, and we're good. (laughter) Connection remains. V: So, when you're emotionally charged like that it's really hard to set that aside, I think that is one of the elements that would take some self-awareness and willingness, right? K: For sure and the nonviolent communication its more difficult the closer you are to someone. Because you care so much and there is so much history there. So, practicing it in my practice is much easier than at home when I'm triggered or something like that. You know and when you're triggered you have the fight, flight, or freeze response, it's a biological response. And if you don't feed that story, that, whatever that automatic story is in your head, that automatic judgment, if you don't feed that, in 90 seconds it can go away. So just know that if you don't feed that by keep spinning that thought in your head, that judgement, like Oh, he's lazy, I have to always do everything. You stop that, you can respond and show up in a way that is in alignment with your values. (yeah) V: And it also then being, is being aware of your values, your needs, your feelings. So, most of us are taught growing up, I don't think I'm being too general, that none of that is important. (laughter) K: Right, and it's really one of the most important things in your life. V: Oh, absolutely. (right) K: The authenticity about how you actually are feeling and what your needs are. And how to get them, you know that's how I think everyone should be taught. It's helped my clients so much. Oh my gosh. It's just so beneficial, because they all get it. The teens get it, the adults get it, once you have the experience of really feeling fully heard about how it is for you and what your needs are, your deeper needs and being able to express those to someone…it's just very gratifying. We never fight on the need level. As you can imagine, no one is going to fight over like “Oh, you need consideration, why would you need that?” You know, we all know we need joy, we need support, we need kindness, we need consideration. Um, effectiveness. We only fight over the strategy of how we get those needs met. So, like in my example, my strategy to get order was to ask him to take the trash out, and that was my strategy, but I didn't do it well because I didn't ask with specifics. And his strategy to get his needs met was to read because his need was for joy and for relaxation. So, like yeah, we're always fighting on the strategy level. And if we can understand that and get down to the need, we're like, okay, you want joy and relaxation I really want order, what can we do about this. We can be on the same page. And we can move to walking together. (yeah) V: I really appreciate that example and the picture in my mind of cooperation and setting aside what I think I know about somebody, because I've been married for 22 years and sometimes, I can think “Oh I know what he's thinking, I know what his motives are.” “I know what's really going on here.” (right) And stopping to recognize that he has needs that he's fulfilling in his way, and he has a right to that. (laughter) K: It's about the relationship and I have a couple's mastermind coming up in July that we're launching. But part of that is exactly what you said, it's those automatic thoughts and judgments about your partner in close, and you know, you could be right, some of the time, but it's still not, it's still not your role to be a mind reader, or to be an assumer. To be making assumptions. What you need to be doing is verifying. Like, “Hey, I'm thinking that I have a thought that you might be feeling angry. Can we, I want to check in with you.” So being compassionately curious is what will lead you to more connection, not assuming, oh I've been with him fifteen years I know exactly what he's thinking. (laughter) you know that's bull shit quite frankly. (it is) You have not verified that. V: And with your kids too, if you torn that around, or with your boss, or your co-worker, wherever you implement that strategy. A lot of my clients have a real hard time speaking their truth, especially in the workplace, so to be willing to spend time learning what their needs are their feelings and take these risks. Can you paint a picture of what they might be, what the cost might be for them if they don't? K: Yeah, well for sure unhappiness, health issues. I myself had some health issues at my old job, they were very resistant to change and support. But um yeah, I think that if you have these skills and you can really be observational about not only what happened but what you need to happen, what you need to have happen, um, you take the judgment out of it. So, a lot of people put their walls up if they feel judged, or if they feel like I'm being judged because I'm a bad manager, or I didn't do this or that. And really if you can be observational and say “When you, At the meeting today when you called on me without letting me know that I needed to provide my numbers at the meeting I felt embarrassed and I felt unsure of myself. And I really you know I really have a need for competence and clarity and I'm wondering if before the meeting next we can go over my numbers or is there a list of things I need to be prepared for?” And that type of thing, even in the most resistant manage, defensive manager, you're not calling them a bad manager, you're telling them what you felt like, what your needs are and making a very clear request.  So that is the key for NVC, using it in the workplace. Effectively, is to make these observational requests, requests based on observation and what your needs are. (yeah) V: It takes, ah, I get a sense of empowerment and taking away, like a game of chess, like, I'll make this move, and they make that move and then I'll make this move, and nobody is talking to each other. (laughter, right) to see what the impact is. And we think well that move didn't work so I'll try this and maybe like the water cooler, we go over there and chat up somebody else about how bad it all is and how ‘they' are so bad and yeah. (yeah, right and you're both making a story about the other person) V: When there is conflict, we often come from a place where somebody has to win, and somebody has to lose, and this method seems to put it on the playing field where both people can win. K: Absolutely, because part of it is, I want to get my needs met but I want to do it in a way that you get your needs met too. (yeah) You know there is a lot of different conflict styles out there. And a lot of us are conflict avoidant because we don't have the skills, that's why, not because we don't want to resolve the problem. And a lot of people come from a place of thinking I'm a compromiser, we'll figure it out, we'll compromise. But let me say that if you feel that compromise is good, I want you to think about this: When you compromise, you are taking your dreams and you're putting half of them on the table before you walk into the room. You're deciding that your dreams are not worth asking for. So, I really want to get people away from thinking that compromise is a good thing. Collaboration is what we need to be doing. Collaborating. What is your dream, what is my dream, we can both get our dream met, let's work on this? And that's what I want to see people do for, to learn about complex, is to be a collaborator. V: I love that. (laughter) I really do. It just feels so empowering and free and nurturing and supportive. K: Yeah, it's definitely the world I want to live in. V: Me too! K: Yeah, that's why I do this work and now I'm getting into a lot of training, which just kind of organically developed but there's a need. And I love that there is a growing hunger for it. Because that gives me so much hope for our world. For peace in our world, and I believe that peace, world peace is possible. In my lifetime. It's a decision we all have to make, individually to learn about conflict resolution and how to show up in a way that is connecting. With your own sense of self and with the other person. V: I can sure see your passion. And feel it, across the line. So, my show is about tiny changes Big Shift, if somebody is not versed in this at all what are some small things that they could do to start their path? K: Yeah, Oh, there are so many. So, one of the things that you can do is, even if you want to set a timer on your phone for periodically you know four times during the day, when that timer goes off just close your eyes and say, “How am I feeling right in this moment?” How am I feeling in this moment? Am I feeling calm, sad, annoyed, frustrated, confused, you know, what are those feelings? And just notice, so just start noticing. That is important, that's the step one, that helps you show up in a way that you want to show up, in an intentional way. That helps you show up in alignment with your values, how you want to show up in the world and helps prevent you from reacting automatically to some stimulus. That's number one, then I think of course the next layer is hum…I'm feeling sad or frustrated, what's that about? Oh, someone cut me off in traffic, that's why I'm feeling frustrated. Okay, alright, what's the need under that? A lot of times it's consideration. (yeah) Pro tip! (laughter) Talking to you all you people that have dogs that are barking in your neighborhood. That's another one. Anyway, just noticing your feelings during the day. Getting into a habit of noticing your feelings. You'll start noticing the sensations too and then it'll come more easily to you. There is a list, you know I sent you a list of feelings and needs, but not all of the feelings and all the needs, but it's a good start for people who haven't been taught to look at their feelings. I work with a lot of lawyers and there's many times when the lawyers like, “I don't know, I don't know what I'm feeling.” And it's like well okay, look at this list. And the list is very nuanced too. Not just mad, it's mad, angry, frustrated, irritable (laughter) and a lot of times when they look, they can pick out a feeling. (yeah) V: Well, I'm really fascinated with this whole topic, and I really, really, really appreciate you being here today. What do you have coming up; you mentioned a workshop coming up for couples? Do you want to say the dates and the specifics, how somebody could get in touch with you if they had an interest in that? K: Yeah, there's a couple's mastermind coming up July 10, and it's 9am to 1pm eastern time by zoom. And you can show up as a couple or you can show up individually, you don't have to be married, they can be for non-traditional couples too, anyone, any human. And you're going to learn a lot of these skills, actually we're doing a lot of NVC. NVC is a sixteen-hour training so I'm giving you some tools and introduction on how you can use these right now in your relationship and then encouraging you to take a longer class because I believe in mentorship and professional growth training. So yeah, that's July 10th and we're limiting it to only 20 participants. 20 couples or individuals. And that's going to be $497 and it has a bonus of one hour working one on one with me. (Kelly) So after the training you get an hour, the couple or the individual, where we go over the training and you get to talk to me about your specific questions or situation. And I'm adding this because I know that we often go to workshops and then we don't implement well. (right) Over time, and I want these skills to be part of your routine as a couple, how you treat each other, how you show up for yourself. So, I'm doing that. It also comes with a 100% guarantee, if you don't find value in it, I'm happy to give you your money back although I've never had to do that because we know these skills are needed and it'll add ease to your life, and joy to your relationship. So, I'm doing that, and I still have my practice, my mediation practice. So, I work with businesses and individuals to help resolve their issue out of court. Work one on one, and having this facilitator, I'm a third-party neutral facilitator, I don't act as an attorney when I mediate. And I help them bridge that communication gap. And have a one-on-one session with each person beforehand so they can have the experience of feeling fully heard and talk about the challenges and their hopes and how they want to show up at mediation. And it gives me such a great background to develop the right agenda to make the most efficient use of time. So, I'm doing that, and I have that couples program coming up and I'm just so thrilled about it. And they can reach me through my website, kellymcgrathlaw.com. Or email me: Kelly@kellymcgrathlaw.com Or my phone number is 850-273-8698. V: Perfect, I'm going to bring up a link because you mentioned your materials that you gave me for a free gift, and I want to make sure that I say this right. K: Yep, you'll have a feelings and needs sheet so you can work off of that, and there are a few other things in there too, but we talked about those too. And you know you can just talk to your spouse or your partner or your child and say, “I'm feeling frustrated” and hand them the list, and say, take some needs guesses, what do you think I'm needing right now? (yeah) They don't have to say anything else but maybe you're needing support or maybe some consideration. And it's like yeah, okay, yeah. V: Or connection or belonging. (right) V: I think the easiest place for people to find that is https://linktr.ee.com/vickidawn.  I'll put the link for that podcast free gift on that link. And as we wrap up do you have any follow up comments? K: I just want to encourage people; you can grow in your skills with communication, and you can grow with your skills with conflict resolution. You just need to seek out some mentors and some good workshops, but everyone can. And let's do that, let's do that for each other, for the people we love. We can resolve our conflicts peacefully. V: Yeah, I appreciate that a lot. And I think this seems so simple when you explain it and as I was reading about it before our show today, and it seems so simple, why isn't this taught in school? K: Yeah, well you know it's great to know that it is now being taught in school. My mentor, Dr. Cindy Bigbie has a method called the Bigbie method where she's teaching teachers and students this in schools. V: Oh, that's beautiful. K: Having the next generation come up learning how to really talk from the heart. I have so much hope for our future. I really do. V: I do too. Well thank you so much for being here and sharing with us today. And for the audience, if you like our show, please forward it to your friends and family, ask them to listen in. Subscribe, if you like it leave a review and I'm open to emails from my listeners – info@vickidawn.com. Send your concerns or questions or things you'd like to hear on our show. You can join my Facebook group – creating connections, you can find it on the link tree I mentioned. As I say goodbye, remember you create your beautiful life, one moment one step at a time.

Summary: This couple has aspired to remain connected and committed, in spite of transitions in life that go from dating and breaking up while living together during the pandemic. This required new ways to communicate and to make agreements about boundaries. By accessing courage, honesty, and commitment this team has recreated a loving, joyful experience together that survives living miles apart. Lessons learned have impacted both their lives in unexpected and meaningful ways, from relationships with others to careers and navigating being in new ways. Ways like speaking up and being present, to allowing space for someone else to have space. From making agreements about what we won't do, to making agreements about what we can do together. Lessons that forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Brock and Connor introduce themselves. B: We dated romantically for 4 years and at one point we were engaged. We shifted out of that in a very emotional and strange time in the pandemic, while living together. We called off the engagement yet continued to isolate together because of the pandemic, as you can imagine there were challenges but I do think that ultimately, I mean we are here today very much in a loving way because we were able to navigate those times and I don't know if Connor agrees but I feel that our relationship is stronger now than it ever has been, even though we are hundreds and hundreds miles away from one another we are still incredibly connected. So, I don't want to speak for Connor, but that's my elevator pitch on our relationship. C: I mean yeah, the pandemic really put us in an incubator for all sorts of experiences together. I completely agree. It shouldn't have happened any other way, it got us to a place now where I agree, I think it is the healthiest relationship that we've had in the four years, or five years we've known each other. Yeah, I'm super grateful for that. I don't see that changing any time soon either. V: I expect communication was really critical for you during all of these transitions. If you think about your central relationship is with yourself first, how do you think that played into how you communicate with each other? B: Yeah, communication, wow…It's funny because that's my profession and I feel as though my relationship with Connor has been a next level education for me. I'm saying that it really illuminated for me how – there's a meme going around the internet and I think that it is perfect for me. And the meme shows a three headed dragon, one of the heads is how eloquent I am when I am writing, the other one is how eloquent I am when I am thinking, and the other one is what a disaster I am when I try to articulate myself. And I feel that really summarizes me, and I feel that summarizes who I was in my relationship with Connor. So, I think over our time together we really learned to understand on another. And someone else called me and asked for tips because she and her partner recently split and are trying to remain friends, so she called me for advice, and I was really flattered. Something I mentioned in that conversation is that Connor and I had a very long and sometimes uncomfortable car ride – we were going up to North Carolina from Atlanta, Georgia where we were living at the time together. So, we were cloistered in a very small car for six hours. I don't know if Connor remembers this, but during that trip there were moments of being joyful, there were some dark moments, and I remember that we arrived at our destination and we were in the parking lot and I really think that that conversation in the parking lot was the turning point in what our relationship has become and what happened there, what transpired there was that we got real with each other. And despite our four years of being together I feel that that was the rawest and the realist that we had been up until that point. And I really do think that was a turning point for us. So, I think that's a really good direction for us to take whatever this conversation turns into is like being raw and real. So, Connor do you remember that conversation that I'm talking about? C: I actually don't. (laughter) B: Well, I remember we got into a very heated discussion around Greensboro, and we kept driving and then we parked at our friend Nancy's. (C: Oh, yeah, yeah, okay) We stayed in that parking lot not getting out for some time I think really getting everything off our shoulders that had been on our shoulders. Well, me specifically because I' a person who listens and rarely speaks, I know this is surprising to you and your listeners now because I'm doing nothing but speaking, but this is not normally who I am. So actually, I'll pause, and I'll let Connor speak. C: Yeah, no, it's not, and that experience with you, the one you're bring up, I remember saying I'm not leaving the car until I get this out, and I don't want you to leave either. So, when you think about communication, I think about me being direct, of course being authentic, but yeah, in that moment I wasn't willing to leave that car unless things were made clear so we could take the next step in our relationship where we both had understandable expectations of what was next. Yeah, that was a fun experience. (laughter) It was definitely, had lots of ups and downs, it wasn't just like hard and dark. Like you said the entire time, it wasn't like pulling teeth because there were moments there in that conversation where we were both willing to laugh, both willing to see the ridiculousness in the way that we think, or interpret right, we interpret what the other person is saying. So, I thought that was in and of itself, maybe that's a nugget of something profound in not taking things so seriously to the point where you think you're going to die from losing out on something. V: What I hear you both saying is that you were honest but that you were deeply committed and even though it was uncomfortable and messy, you were committed to hanging in there together, and I think that is very moving and touching, because I think often people think when it gets hard, okay, I'm just going to quit. I'm just going to throw up my hands and walk away, and I can feel justified with that because you are being so difficult. And it sounds like you also kept brining it back to yourselves, each of you saying this is what I need to clear, not, this is what you did wrong, and maybe there was some of that in there because it always does get messy right? B: Yeah, I think in that conversation specifically, like I said earlier in my mind that was a turning point, at least it was for me. And I feel it was the first time I had successfully cleared things off so that I could start from a clean slate. Which is not to say that immediately after that that everything was roses and daffodils, that's not what I'm saying. But I do feel that that conversation that we had was real, raw, authentic, it was loud, I'm not going to lie, it was loud, but it also came from love and definitely a commitment. V: I think sometimes, myself included, we don't like messy, and I can tend to judge myself. You know, you read guidance on communication, and it will say make I statements, I feel this when you do that and be specific about all of that, but in real life there are emotions involved, it gets a little charged. B: Yeah, and there is an aphorism around, and I don't know that I agree with it, that the best communicators listen. I totally get the sentiment there, and I challenge that a bit because I, as Connor knows, I am a fantastic listener. When I listen however and that is essentially the bulk of what I do, I really lose myself and my boundaries and my desires in that conversation. So, I think that as with almost anything I can fathom, balance is key. And I've gotten to the place with Connor where – we had a phone conversation earlier today and I jokingly jumped in and said, “Oh, so do you want to hear about my life now?” You know? And I can have fun with it and be playful with him in that, because I know that if I don't jump in, I will just be lost in the conversation. And I think that finding that balance and striking that balance is essential to being in a successful relationship, whether it's with your partner, your friend, or your co-workers. Like across the board. V: I like what you're saying. Instead of holding back and relying on a skill you're comfortable with, which is your listening skill, you're starting to step forward and lean into, something that in the past wasn't so comfortable, and showing up different. How do you experience that Connor? C: Yeah, when I think about Brock talking about his skill of listening, (laughter) I feel that I am on the opposite spectrum where I like to talk and (laughter) I like to hear myself talk to.  I mean in that I think, and I process, externally, and this has been a conversation that Brock and I have had before, where I know this about myself. I know that I like to express myself through orating, right? Whereas I know other people express themselves differently. But I think that Brock's right, finding a harmony between knowing when to speak up for yourself and when to listen. There have been moments in my relationship and these discussions with Brock and I have sat there and realized that I've talked, that I've taken up so much time and I realize that I still don't know where Brock is. Like I have no idea, I'm clueless, really, as to what he's thinking, or what he's feeling. So, it does take a self-awareness to check in and ask am I completely understanding of this other person in front of me? V: Thank you. I would think that with hard feelings like the messy that you described that forgiveness had to play in at some point, and whether that was clearing the slate like you said, but also letting go of feelings of hurt, frustration, all of that. How do you approach that? C: I know for me, and this only goes for my experience in my relationship with Brock. In thinking about forgiveness there is a part of me that always knows that Brock has always been a forgiving person naturally. So, I think it really has to do with forgiving myself for the actions, and yeah, just forgiving myself throughout the process. And I will be honest, it's not the act or the beingness of forgiving is something that dissipates everything after saying I've forgiven myself, it's a process and it's a human process.  And it's a continual commitment to being forgiving of oneself. This is something that I'm still exploring and that I'm very much in deep mediation about. What about you Brock? B: Well, I listened to one of your previous podcast episodes and it was all about forgiveness. Elizabeth was the guest. Props to her, because forgiveness if for-giving, right, you give forgiveness to a person and it's really a gift to yourself. She said it much more eloquently that that, but I feel ultimately, I had very little to forgive Connor for and hopefully he hasn't felt the need to forgive me for things. I do agree with Connor that the most difficult person to forgive in our lives is ourselves. At least, that's been my experience. Each of us in this conversation, we're all on our journey's trying to be our best selves and something that I've realized recently is that I'm a results person and not a process person, and that can be challenging when working on yourself is not something that is ever done, right? It's an ongoing process. I'll be working on myself till the day that I die right? So being gentle with myself, being gentle with others and really shifting from being results oriented – thinking that at some point I'm going to be finished working on myself – shifting from that to actually enjoying the process. So that is something that I've been working on, and part of that work is being a better verbal communicator. Being clear, being authentic, and having boundaries which is essential. That's where I am. V: I'm coming to that boundaries are essentially agreements that we make, and they come from being clear also, and showing up and being willing to say, this is what I would like, or this is what I need. It seems like it should be so easy, and it seems that sometimes that is so hard. Why do you think that is? B: Well first of all, I want to jump in a say that I love what you said, because Connor and I have had conversations about this too. When we first split yet we were still cohabitating, we decided to talk about you know, kind the rules of engagement, right now that we are (laughter – That sounds military) Yeah, the rules of disengagement, I guess. We started talking about what are we going to, what are the boundaries and so on? And something that I told him is that I don't want to think about these things as boundaries I want to think of them as agreements. Because I want to think about what we are okay to do, rather than what we're not okay not happening. So really shifting from what's possible rather than these are my non-negotiables – you can't do this, you can't do that. Let's talk about what we can do. And I think that was a healthy way for us to proceed with what was next for us in our relationship. V: That sounds so much more respectful and open than protective and defensive when you say, what can we do versus what can't we do. I love that. C: Yeah, I really do think it made all the difference. If I think about an example, one of the things that once I was given that context in which to create agreements with Brock, I thought about it, I gave it some thought, came back and said one of the things that I want is to spend time with you. You know, one on one, I want to spend time with you connecting, still. Yes, we were living together so it was hard not to be separate, but we were also creating separation so that we could have our own alone time.  But I wanted to make it an intentional thing where we could connect and do something new or different together. And that, not only does it create a space of openness, but it really did create a space of excitement for me, like it created a space and my brain started running on all these things that we could do. Yeah, excitement and it's kind of funny in thinking about that in our relationship towards the end, in my experience, and I think Brock would probably agree, things were not very exciting. So, I think that really did create a context shift for us. It made all the difference. B: I want to emphasize the fact that we were isolating together during a pandemic. (laughter) And having just split off our engagement and we were in a condo that is maybe 1,000 square feet, right, in the heart of Atlanta. So, tight quarters, one bedroom – I'll emphasize that as well. So yeah, it wasn't always easy, but I think by and large we did a great job, and it all came down to communication. And something else that I'll mention, is that we had agreements in the beginning and as the weeks went on, we revisited those agreements because something that we both realized is that some of those agreements were created from a place of hurt, created from a place of anger, right, and so as our relationship evolved in the new way, we realized those agreements didn't even make sense, they just didn't work. So, we revisited those, and we renegotiated those agreements based on who we were then, right. So, I think that was key to the evolution of our relationship as well. V: We are coming up on time to close up the show, but I want to thank both of you for being so open and honest about how things evolved with you. And I want to reflect that I see tremendous strength and love between the two of you, and I think this experience – if you could say what you received personally for being willing to walk through this in this way, because a lot of people don't, they point the finger, they blame, they throw up their hands and they say – You did this to me. So, what would you say you gained personally from being willing to do it different? C: That's a great question. B: Well, I'll jump in and allow Connor some time to think. Because I think what I've learned in my relationship with Connor has impacted my entire life. When I think about those fledgling, or those early days when he and I first split and just who I was being and like the lack of worthiness I felt for myself, I really feel that as my relationship evolved with Connor in the new way I developed, and like I said it's a work in progress and always will be, but I developed a new understanding of my worth, a new understanding of my value system, and because of that I accessed courage, I quit a job that was kind of killing me emotionally and spiritually. Like really, really like, I quit a job which I think to pat myself on the back, took a lot of courage, I'd been there for nine years. But you know I was working crazy hours as Connor can attest, you know I loved my colleagues, but it was a nightmare of a job at times. But because of my relationship with Connor and the things I learned about myself through him and by his side I've evolved in so many ways that has informed the way I operate in every aspect of my life and because of that I have a job now I work fewer hours, I make a lot more money and I think that has a lot to do with the agreements that I made with myself, right? Agreements that this is what I stand for in my life, this is who I get to be to have this happen, so yeah, I cherish Connor our relationship the way it was, the way it is, the way it will be in the future because I really feel like what I've learned in this experience has impacted virtually every aspect if not every aspect of my life. V: Connor? C: I don't like usually giving the same answer (laughter) but yeah, I think it has a lot to do with worth and experiencing that on a personal level and how that has permeated into the rest of my life. It permeated in a way that has allowed me to see what's really possible for my life, not just in relationship, but in relationship with myself, in relationship with my career, in relationship with my parents, and that too, it has allowed me to see possibility in relationship with other people, and what that looks like. And like Brock said knowing, if I can create agreements with a relationship that broke up right, and it turned into something like this, where yeah, I experience love and support and connection with him, then dammit I can do that with anybody else.  And I won't settle, I really won't settle until I've created that again. And that is so liberating to say (laughter) and not only does it create a sense of worth, it creates a profound joy for me. I can say today that if I were to assess my life now, I really do experience joy and happiness more times than not. Thank you both for being here and I want to say to our listeners that if you heard the little youngster in the background, she was being put to bed and this is real life, real happenings probably some of our listeners have youngsters they put to bed. I do want to comment on the Redesign training if the listeners are interested in that because I know that a lot of what you've been able to accomplish together has also come from participating in that training I believe. So, listeners can find that at healing-angels.org/Redesign. For my guests, thank you so much for being here and for listening. You can find me at vickidawn.com. thank you, Brock, thank you Connor.

Do you experience harmony or are you still searching for balance? Tracy Record and I discuss staying true to yourself - another perspective on living life in Harmony. It is no secret that developing a vision, using it to guide your actions to stay committed to your goals, and knowing what you want and how to get there take time, patience with yourself, and effort to discover both what it is you want, and what gets in the way of you experiencing it.

I coach businesswomen and entrepreneurs to express their genius - without leaving their life behind! Developing fierce focus and asking yourself powerful questions is how you fulfill what you want in life - to have it happen. These skills take practice, support, and time - and are so worth the effort. In this episode I give you tips on what questions to ask, and how to develop that focus to avoid distractions. 

Elizabeth and I discuss the power of forgiveness. Although not necessarily a skill we talk about building in our career, it is critical to conflict resolution and feeling connected with co-workers, friends, and family. Forgiveness is a space - a space to reflect, see where I might be wrong, and to make a shift into letting go. When I can do that, I am free. Forgiveness is also a decision then. A decision to let go. How to forgive yourself? Accept ownership, experience your remorse, focus on restoration and renew your commitment to let go.

This show is with Barbara Ledbury, a creative package engineer. We discuss having faith in your creativity, and what creativity is beyond the traditional understanding of being part of the arts. Creativity allows improved mood and cognitive function, helps your social life, reduces stress and anxiety and magnifies your self-esteem. All good reasons to nurture this trait and let your creativity flow!

The biggest shadow on your light is judgment. Hear how judgment shows up in both limiting and supportive ways. Laurie gives us a foundation to think about: We are all connected; I can only see in you what is in me; when I hurt you, I hurt me; live and let live; and - I am not in control! What we don't often do is question our judgments, we call them ME – we identify them as part of our personality! When you work from your vision your inner light shines, you are passionate and full of joyful energy.

Tori Michaels is a gifted psychic/evidential medium. She utilizes this gift as a transformational Coach, Master Feng Shui Practitioner, Inspirational Speaker, Teacher, Trainer and Workshop/Retreat Leader Tori helps people integrate and sustain the changes they are ready to make in life. Feng Shui is one tool she uses to help people do that – the inner is reflected in the outer, and vice versa! It's time to address the clutter - in email – in procrastination - and literal clutter - paper – closets - those things we just don't deal with. Where do you start? It can be overwhelming! Tori suggests breaking it down into small manageable pieces and set a timer and create a 10-minute win - and build from there.

Jenell brings her energy and enthusiasm for life to our discussion on Serving Your Vision. First step: get clear what are you passionate about, what is it you want to create with your life? Tap in, reach out, connect with people that can help you reach it. Community and collaboration are everything. Wake up everyday and take action on your vision. Learn to appreciate and celebrate yourself along the way - and do that NOW. 

Helen Gardiner-Parks is a certified Nutritional Therapy Practitioner who uses transformational coaching and Reiki energy in her work as a nutritional therapist. Helen's passion is supporting women struggling with eating, anxiety and digestive issues. Helen is leaving fear behind in 2020 and moving into a deeper connection with her courage to step into the new adventures she has planned. Having a conversation with fear can help you minimize its size, so that rather than a megaphone blaring it becomes a small voice. You can also learn from your fears. Helen's starting place: acknowledge you have dreams, then develop worthiness as you unpack the noises and menagerie (listen to the show to get it) so you can identify your purpose and gifts. Then live that purpose and use those gifts!

Milli Huser, coach, trainer, and consultant, and I visit about life purpose, how having a purpose clarifies everyday decisions and gives your life direction and value.  Filled with Milli gems, this podcast will connect as you develop or clarify your own life purpose. Your purpose is the starting place to define your vision and shape your goals. If you are feeling stuck in life, connecting to purpose gives you energy and renewed passion. Because we each have a purpose specific to us based on our talents and gifts, it also connects us to our contribution in life. That's big stuff!!

This episode introduces vickidawn, the value she hopes you experience listening to the show, and a little bit about her and her life. She is excited to connect with listeners who may be experiencing life transitions, not sure about next steps, feeling lost or stuck in self-defeating habits, and to support them in identifying those next steps that bring life forward. When we experience a Big Shift in life it can feel magical, but it was the result of lots of tiny changes that prepared the way. Learn more at https://vickidawn.com