Podcasts about something i've

Something I've been seeing recently in Facebook groups and forums is people claiming they can't be great at audio because they don't have a degree or formal education in audio engineering. If that's you, let me offer some personal insight. I'm one of those chumps who spent 4 years and a TON of money on a degree in audio engineering, and I've lived to regret it. The REAL learning happened after college when I was working with some very experienced and prolific audio engineers who, guess what, never had ANY formal education in audio engineering.   The thing that really took my production to the next level was watching professionals do what they do best. To this day, I still spends hours every week, sometimes every day on several different paid platforms where I can watch audio engineers work and talk about their processes.   In this episode I offer suggestions on how you can learn how to be GREAT at audio and produce incredible podcasts without any type of formal education, including a new service I'll be offering called MixLab. Be sure to check it out in the links below!     JOIN THE FUN ON PATREON!       Links: Clean Cut Audio Mixlab Podcast Engineering School Podcast Engineering Show Taylor Larson Instagram from my Former Life as a Woodworker Nail the Mix     My Signal Chain   Hardware: Audio Interface: Apogee Ensemble Microphone: Shure SM7b Headphones: Audio-Technia ATH-M50x Earbuds: Klipsch R6i II Studio Monitors: Yamaha HS7 Mic Stand: Rode PS1A Boom Arm   Software: IzoTope RX6 Mouth De-Click IzoTope RX6 Voice De-Noise FabFilter ProQ3 Waves Vocal Rider Waves CLA-2A oeksound Soothe2 Waves LinMB Waves WLM Meter Waves Durrough Meter Waves Abbey Road Studio3     -Save 10% off the plugins above with this affiliate link from Waves!-     *most of these links are affiliate links     Midroll Song: Road Trip by Joakim Karud   Closing Song: If I Could I'd... by Joakim Karud   http://www.joakimkarud.com       For more info, or to ask any questions, check out my website and reach out to hello@cleancutaudio.com

Something I've forgotten about, is the fear of starting. When you decide to sit down and make content, there are a lot of moments where you doubt yourself. Danny, from Nerdy Money, stopped by to talk Nerd. But also, to talk about the fears of starting the content creation process.***New Merch, is now available! Visit HeyArcher.com****Danny can be found at : http://www.simplify.tax/Time Stamps:00:00 - Intro03:00 - What got Nerdy Money into the nerd world.06:25 - The death of Anime shops16:08 - How the accounting business has changed. (Why start podcasting?)23:00 - Will I be a copy cat creatior?34:55 - Choosing a youtube/podcast style42:00 - Do you need the best looking video, or sound quality, to be successful?49:00 - What video made HeyArcher decide to make videos on a regular basis. 57:44 - What Anime is Nerdy Money Watching? (I screwed up the picture overlays)_______________________________________________________________HeyArcher can be found on your favorite podcast platform. Visit HeyArcher.com for links, photography and more!Find me on social media, and ask me your questions!instagram.com/HeyArchertwitter.com/HeyArcherfacebook.com/HeyArcherEmail me: HeyArcher1@gmail.com___________________________________________________________________________________Want to start your own podcast? Get $20, just for starting! Use my affiliate link belowhttps://www.buzzsprout.com/?referrer_... ! Buzzsprout is my resource uploading content every week.Sign up for Ecamm Live: https://www.ecamm.com/mac/ecammlive/?...Want to purchase the same equipment I use, and help the channel? Use the amazon links below.Gear Used:Computer: https://amzn.to/2vW7xtdUSB Hub: https://amzn.to/2T9SrJnMagic Mouse 2: https://amzn.to/38OCw9hRODECaster Pro: https://amzn.to/2UIfTie Micro SD Card: https://amzn.to/2Xh6P5GElgato Stream Deck: https://amzn.to/34b3czCElgato Game Capture HD60 S+: https://www.bestbuy.com/site/elgato-game-capture-hd60-s-/6359930.p?skuId=6359930Camera: https://amzn.to/2PbFaOqCamera DC Power Adapter: https://amzn.to/2Wd8cQyCamera Backup Batteries & Charger:

Jeff deGraaf is one of those analysts who influenced me very early on. Something I've always admired about him is how much emphasis he puts on first identifying what type of market environment we're in, before then giving more or less weight to different tools and indicators. This is one of those important steps that I think gets forgotten quite often when you see investors trying to always incorporate a certain strategy or approach regardless of the environment. In this episode, Jeff compares this stock market crash, and subsequent recovery, to others in the past including 1987. He does a nice job of incorporating what is currently taking place in Bonds and Gold into his analysis for stocks. I think there are a lot of great lessons in this conversation with, who I believe, is one of the best Technical Analysts in the world today.

"Something I've kept in cold storage." Ep by ep continues! Today, we enthusiastically return for Season 1 Ep 5 of Batman Beyond: “Meltdown.” An episode/character so good, it requires a 2 parter. Tune in next week for the CHILLING conclusion of Victor Fries' return! This week and every week thereafter is co-host/Beyond expert, Eli Benson @batman_beyond_fanpage on Instagram. -Become an “Ally” (just a quarter an Ep!) “All-access Alley” or “Patron Beyond” of Old Bruce and our show: https://www.patreon.com/batmanbeyondpodcast -Patron EXCLUSIVES include cast/crew interviews from the animated series such as Will Friedle and James Tucker! -Be safe and stay tuned for new live streaming vid eps of Above and Batman Beyond as well as audio! -Subscribe/Rate/Review ABB on iTunes, Soundcloud, and other pod places. -Subscribe to our "Above and Batman Beyond" YouTube channel for vidcasts and other videos: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdQS85-L3xtxUgsSazdM7BQ -ABB is part of the Comic Book Intl Network: @comicbookintl on all social media, and Comic Book Intl on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFLkl3_sxVTJfpmtWIXJ-aQ/about -Follow us: @BatmanBeyondPodcast on Instagram and Facebook; @BatmanBeyondPod on Twitter -Geek News and Press Interviews from Benjamin David at Collectible506.com -Network Manager: Benjamin David, @benjaminofdavid on Instagram and Facebook, Email: Ben@BenjaminDavidWriting.com -Co-Host, Eli Benson: @batman_beyond_fanpage on Instagram -Above and Batman Beyond is not an official production of Warner Bros. or DC Comics.

A bit of a different episode today, where we're talking philosophy! Something I've really gotten into that past 4-5 years. I discuss philosopher Alan Watts, and what he said about how we view events (good versus bad). Super intriguing stuff here, which may change how you view events in your life and business.

Wow! Are we really on episode #25 already? That's amazing! This past week has been extremely influential for me. I've been keeping track of how I've spent every single hour of my day since April 5, 2020. One thing I did last week was I had a really good mentor call with my Uncle Mark and from talking with him I knew I needed to do another episode talking more specifically about Y.I.E.L.D. which is an acronym that I try to live by. :)So I pulled back the curtain, did some deep diving, and came up with these 5 pillars of living a Y.I.E.L.D. Today kind of life. Hope you enjoy and that this is inspirational in some way. Thank you for following and sharing the podcast. Be sure to subscribe and stay tuned it really helps! Also don't forget to follow the podcast on Instagram! :)https://www.instagram.com/YIELDTodayWithDallinPodcast/1. Purposeful CreationI have to start here by mentioning my love of God. When I was in high school and was struggling to see myself in a more positive light I always had a lot of hope that God was aware of me and had a plan for me. I think of His love for me and for all of us. We were all created ON PURPOSE. We are here FOR A REASON. We are here to do a LOT OF GOOD. When you're able to apply this principle to your life and to your future life it is amazing. 2. Abundant Compassion - For yourself and others. You need to be willing to love others and yourself, like God loves you. Something I've done in the past to do this is I write down peoples' names of people I want to keep in touch with.3. Shine By Being Around Others Who Shine - It's been said that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time with. I very strongly believe that this applies to the content that you watch. You could also twist this quote and say that you are the average of the 5 TV shows that you watch. Sure, this may be a bit of a drastic comparison, but it's worth considering in my opinion. 4. Stay sharp - Keep learning, and never stop improving. This will ensure that you'll continue to stay relevant and you'll always be able to help people. If you want to go into Game Design, there are SO many people that you can choose to be influenced by to help you to get there. Maybe you could make a blog that talks about your learning process to help inspire others. For me one thing that helps me stay sharp is having systems of focused and purposeful thought (again, Purposeful Creation) that help me to stay sharp. These things can help accelerate your growth, widen your opportunities, and deepen your joys.5. Never-ending Focus - Help others reach their dreams and you will also reach your own. You also need to develop the talent of being able to see things before they happen. In his book, "Sell or Be Sold", Grant Cardone talks about how if you know something really, really well then you are able to predict it. This separates the pros from the wannabes. Still, you cannot know exactly what's going to happen, but you can have a good enough idea to help inspire other people (like a weatherman, or a business consultant strategist).

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

It really hit me, when I walked into our local supermarket this morning. You may have had the same feelings. This Quarantine is becoming increasingly real. On the drive over to the store, the usually busy streets were half empty. In the store, there was little if any noise. As people spoke in hushed tones, if they spoke at all. And of course many of the shelves, especially those with paper products were completely empty. Something I've never seen before. And I can't shake the feeling, that something has changed, perhaps forever.

## Linux Centric, Processes, and Kernel Developers ### Changing Directions - Why "Linux"?   - Interests change over time   - Something I've consistently gone back to   - My job and career   - Can't stay away - Not a Revamp or a Refactor - Continuing with same format   - Not a news show   - Video is on hold   - Random raw VLOG/videos ### Process - What is a process?   - Instance of a program running   - CPU instruction - What is a program?   - File with information on how to construct a process   - Binary format identification (metadata) format of executable   - Machine-language instruction   - Entry point address, where should the program execution being?   - Data   - Symbols and relocation tables, locations and names of functions, objects, debug   - Shared-library and dynamic-linking information, lists of shared libraries needed at runtime - Types of processes   - User initiated, interactive   - Background, daemon, automated - Daemon   - Online with the system   - Haunt you forever, never die   - User can interface with daemons ### Linux Process - Parent/Child   - Child process: Existing process copies itself in memory   - New PID for child, but runs concurrently with the program on execution   - fork()   - Both processes continue with the next instruction   - Child has access to file, CPU registers, and I/O that parent has access to   - PID and PPID are used to identify and keep track of processes   - man page: The child process and the parent process run in  separate memory spaces. At the time of fork() both memory spaces have the same content. Memory writes, file mappings (mmap(2)), and unmappings (munmap(2)) performed by one of the processes do not affect the other.   - Source code coming ### Better tools for kernel developers - Reliance on e-mail for Linux kernel maintainers - Process is daunting to newcomers - Tooling to assist   - 500 lines of Python   - Provide message ID for email in a thread of interest   - Entire thread downloaded and stored in local mbox file - Change in the process   - Reading email threads   - Organizing patches   - Applying tags - Hesitance/resistance to change - Do developer workflows need to change?   - Why?   - Learn a newcomer vs ask for input   - Linux kernel is great as is

Do you ever have difficulty persuading your congregation to engage wholeheartedly with singing?  Perhaps you've tried everything. Rehearsing more thoroughly, picking familiar songs, pitching them in a comfortable key, making sure the words are visible, upping your game by leading with greater energy, praying passionately and specifically for the congregation to enjoy corporate worship. Nothing wrong with any of these. Many of my videos and podcasts cover such topics. But now and again we need to go back to basics. Something I've been reading has reminded me of this. I’m in chapter 3 of a terrific little book “Sing!”. It’s written by the Getty’s. The title of the current chapter is, “Compelled to….Sing!”. Their focus is on the principal that people in touch with their salvation love to sing. They feel compelled to sing. No one has to force them, manipulate them or cajole them into it.  Quoting Bob Kauflin, “Worship isn’t primarily about music, techniques, songs or methodologies. It’s about our hearts. It’s about what and who we love more than anything." The key verse about a healthy compulsion is,  “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.” (2 Corinthians 5:14–15 NIV11) As much as we are compelled by the love of Christ to live for him, it surely must follow that it compels us to sing for him. The Gettys put it beautifully, “I sing because I’m free to run from all that tore me apart and to run to all that makes me whole.” Time and time again in the Scriptures people respond to God’s revelatory salvation with songs of praise. Let’s take a quick look at the examples they mention in the book. The first song: Exodus 15 The songs of battle: Judges 4/5; 1 Chronicles 15; 2 Chronicles 20:21-25. The songs of David: Psalm 117:1; Psalm 96:2; Psalm 105:2; Psalm 40; Psalm 31. The songs of the prophets: Ezra 3:10-13; Nehemiah 12:27-29; Isaiah 52:9; Jeremiah 20:13; Zephaniah 3:14. A song that sustains the prisoners: Acts 16:25 (see Romans 8:38-39) Perhaps your congregation don’t need so much a reminder to sing, as a refresher on the significance of their salvation. Not only salvation. Also the wonderful nature of God in his patience with us as Christians. The extraordinary nature of his ongoing grace. The victories in Christ that he has given us. Seeing friends saved, people married, children of members becoming Christians, spiritual and emotional transformation and much more. You may say, “Well, fair enough, but that’s the job of the preacher.” I would suggest that a leader of worship cannot hide behind someone else if the corporate worship is not all it could be. Perhaps you need to speak more. Perhaps not. We all have different gifts. But even if you are not to be the person inspiring the members to recall the wonders of their spiritual freedom in Christ, you could be the person to prompt others to do so. Three teaching suggestions for inspiring your congregation to sing with all their hearts: God’s nature. Teach on his love, forbearance, long-suffering, kindness and patience - “Bear in mind that our Lord’s patience means salvation, just as our dear brother Paul also wrote you with the wisdom that God gave him.” (2 Peter 3:15 NIV11) Personal salvation. Take people back to when they first got in touch with God’s love and then God's saving power in baptism - “Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.” (Psalm 95:1 NIV11); “When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord suddenly took Philip away, and the eunuch did not see him again, but went on his way rejoicing” (Acts 8:39 NIV11). Promises.  Remind people where they are going. Moving into ever-increasing Christ-likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18) and trusting that our labour in the Lord is not in vain - “God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.” (Hebrews 6:10 NIV11); “Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:58 NIV11). Either yourself, or the person best suited by gifting could deliver these lessons as the sermon, or a mini-lesson at some point in your Sunday service. This isn’t a quick fix. It is relatively simple to adapt the pitches of songs to make them more singable. But to teach and preach in such a way as to inspire wholehearted devotion is quite another matter. One lesson won’t fix it. Actually probably shouldn’t. Not if it’s going to have any depth. As Jack Hayford said (writer of the classic song “Majesty”), “It’s easier to teach a congregation the Bible than to teach them how to worship.” It may be harder to teach to worship from the heart, but it is worth it and our God deserves it (click here (https://www.jackhayford.org/teaching/articles/the-birth-of-majesty/) for the story of how he came to write the song). Question for today: “What have you seen done effectively that inspires a congregation to sing from the heart?" Please add your comments on this week’s topic. We learn best when we learn in community.  Do you have a question about teaching the Bible? Is it theological, technical, practical? Send me your questions or suggestions. Here’s the email: malcolm@malcolmcox.org (mailto:malcolm@malcolmcox.org) . If you’d like a copy of my free eBook on spiritual disciplines, “How God grows His people”, sign up at my website: http://www.malcolmcox.org (http://www.malcolmcox.org/) . Please pass the link on, subscribe, leave a review. “Worship the LORD with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.” (Psalms 100:2 NIV11) God bless, Malcolm PS: You might also be interested in my book: "An elephant's swimming pool" (https://dqzrr9k4bjpzk.cloudfront.net/images/9167082/379662794.jpg) , a devotional look at the Gospel of John mccx, Malcolm Cox, Watford, Croxley Green, teaching, preaching, spiritual disciplines, public speaking, corporate worship, Sunday Sample, Corporate Worship Matters, Tuesday Teaching Tips, Quiet Time Coaching, coaching, coaching near me, coach, online coaching, savior, quiet time, devotion, God, Jesus, Pray, prayer, malcolm’s, cox, 

Would you say that investing in your dream life comes easily to you? Today you'll hear from Emily King, a wealth and abundance coach who teaches women (including me!) how to have the right money mindsets. Something I've noticed about the mindset work I've done with Emily is that it really applies across a wide spectrum. Replace "money" with food, overeating, or any other struggle and you can really do the same sort of work. Listen in for tangible tips on how to get rid of limiting beliefs and chase your dreams. We'll also talk about finally going after the feeling that you want (rather than a number on the scale or in the bank). Quick note: I have a few 1-1 on intuitive eating coaching spots open right now! If you don't think a group program is ideal for you, or you're really craving that personalized attention, this might be the perfect fit! You can apply at: www.caitlinball.com/apply. Emily's Money & Manifestation Journey Emily shares that her passion for her work seems to come from a lifelong love of entrepreneurship. When she was a kid, she remembers being at a family gathering where a family member mentioned loving her hair. She was about 6 years old, and immediately offered to SELL him a piece for $1. (She then went around to everyone else, offering them the same deal.) From day one she's been an entrepreneur! Even then money fascinated her, and as she grew up she found she valued its ability to give you experiences that weren't available to everyone. After completing the traditional college path that she though would lead into a career, she graduated with tens of thousands of dollars in debt and no job. At a complete low point, she moved home and found herself struggling. Around this time she also happened to come across a low-cost coaching program, where she enrolled and learned about the law of attraction, vision boards, and manifestation. In short order she paid off her debt and manifested her dream home, which started her down the path to her current career. Interestingly, when she later asked her mom and sister what they thought she would grow up to be, they both shared they didn't know. However, they expected she would make a lot of money! As she moved into the coaching space, realizing that we can identify HOW we feel about money, and then actually take action to shift that feeling and create a new one, was intriguing to Emily. This process also began to open her eyes to the blocks we all encounter along the way. Money Blocks & Limiting Beliefs Just like food blocks, we can have money blocks! Emily shares that beliefs start as decisions we made at some point in our lives. Whether we make these decisions as toddlers, teens, or some other point, decisions are being made all the time! Often, this is something we do unconsciously, which means it can be hard to even know that we've done it. Once we've made a decision, however, it becomes a filter that we are constantly looking through. Are you thinking that your beliefs are real and true because you have evidence to back them up? Well, the "evidence" for our beliefs comes from the filters that we are looking through. We can create a self-fulfilling cycle in which we are constantly affirming our own beliefs. The good news is, we can CHANGE our filters and get new beliefs that will better serve us. The key? Awareness! (Listen to the full episode for a great mini-exercise on filters!) Start playing with your limiting beliefs, and try asking yourself: Is this 100% true and factual? Most of the time, it's not! This means you can try some "imagine if" scenarios and start to break free! Imagine if.... ...carbs aren't evil. ...your weight doesn't define you. ...you can have a lot of money and not be evil. ...you don't have to just "get by" your whole life. The imagination space is a great starting point for examining your beliefs in a non-threatening way. In no time, you'll start to more easily recognize old beliefs and ideas that might not actually be true. (Side note: sometimes we do amazing work...and then the old issues come back around! That's okay, it's normal. Don't give up!) Keep Doing the Work It's okay to start small! You may be completely broke, or have a lot of body image issues, or some other struggle that plagues you. What is one SMALL way you can make a bit of progress towards breaking free from your old ideas around this problem? Does it feel like a big stretch to say: I feel beautiful? Start with something small. Maybe, "I feel beautiful in this dress." or "I really love my eyelashes today." Leave judgement out of this process, and be okay with taking two steps forward and one step back! Another great tip from Emily is to honor your feelings. Whether they seem bad, good, or neutral, try honoring them. What if you allow yourself just to feel what you feel and not get sucked into a downward spiral? You don't need to feel guilty or ashamed about anything you feel. In fact, truly feeling your feelings sets you up to able to actually release them and move forward. Finding What You Truly Want Sometimes we think we want one thing (like losing 20 pounds), when in reality what we want is something different (like feeling confident in our bodies). It's important to tap into your actual desire, and to think about what you want to FEEL. Often, the tangible thing we are focusing on isn't going to create the feeling we're actually chasing. For example, if you don't love and respect yourself enough to feel confident in your body today, waking up 20 pounds smaller isn't going to change that. So what happens if you name how you want to FEEL, rather than what you think you want? For example, wanting money might be about feeling free, having choices, being generous, or something else. Those feelings that you want to feel "there" (free, generous, etc) need to be something you're working on feeling "here". Emily remembers sitting in her living room and looking at $100,000 in her bank account (what she thought she wanted), and feeling intense stress and fear. In that moment, she recognized that having what she wanted hadn't created what she had expected to feel. Now, she works with clients on actually creating their desired feelings as they work towards their larger goals. Pick something you want to feel, and work on feeling it today. Want more freedom? How can you create a sense of freedom in your life today? It might feel awkward in the beginning, but don't worry about it! Feel awkward if you need to, but understand that you are literally breaking a pattern that's been in your life a long time. Shifting into something new is big work! You're doing a great job; just keep on showing up. Follow the Joy Do things that you love to get into the energy you want to be in. The goal here is to move towards a desired feeling, rather than just the "thing" itself (like weight loss, money, etc). After all, the thing you think you need or want may not even be the best thing for you. One way to approach this is to use the "thing" as a symbol for the energy and feeling you're moving towards. That way, you have a specific goal, but you're also remaining open to receiving something even better than the original thing you thought you wanted. You know when you look back on your life and recognize that you are WAY better off where you are now....even if it isn't something you would have never imagined or expected? Same principal here! Be willing to attach to the feeling you most desire, but also be wiling to detach from a highly specific outcome. Investing in Your Dream Life Sometimes we think that if we think about or desire something long enough, that it's going to happen. It does NOT work that way! "Mindset without action is bullsh*t." If you're talking the talk but not walking the walk, then sit down. You are not "manifesting", and no amount of vision board making or journaling is going to make up for your lack of action! Emily shares that her coaching business had a really slow take off. In 6 months she had sold approximately ONE coaching session (for $97). Even going to Tony Robbin's seminar and coming home completely fired up didn't change anything. Nothing was happening. So she sat down with herself and created an ultimatum. If she did not sign a new client by the end of the month, she would close her business. Her heart desperately did NOT want to shut down, but she knew that something had to change if she was going to ever achieve success. Shortly after this meeting with herself, she hired a coach and SHOWED UP. In each consequent month for the following three months, she made $5,000. At the end of that? She did her first launch for over $20,000. What she boils her success down to? Showing up. She advises others to make the decisions that needs to be made, and to trust that the rest will come together. Take the leap, stretch yourself, and get uncomfortable. That is what you need to do if you want to create lasting change! Don't be afraid of investing in your dream life. What Bad Could Come From Doing This? Exploring that question can help you get to the root of why you may not be succeeding. Emily's answers to that question showed her that she was afraid of what success might mean. Her responses included things like: What if... ...signing on a bunch of clients is really stressful? ...I mess up my taxes? ...there is no longer time for my friends and family? ...someone sues me? By answering those questions, she was able to recognize that she was truly safe to step forward. She realized that there was no need to fear the unknown. With that, she knew it was her time to step into her strength and finally live out the fullness of her dreams. When it comes to investing in your dream life, Emily reminds us that the universe absolutely is supporting us. We don't have to create "rules" around it, and we don't need to get overly attached to a specific outcome. Focus on how you want to feel, and start creating that for yourself today!   You can find Emily on IG @emilykingco or on her website, www.therichwoman.ca. You can leave a review of the show by clicking HERE https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/quit-dieting-for-good/id1440034531, opening the show in Apple Podcasts, and then choosing the 5 stars!

Get used to putting first things first so that you don't miss the good things. Recently on a trip to Tennessee (an annual trip I take each year with my family) my wife told me that I was a good dad. Now, that isn’t the point I’m trying to make – instead, I’m saying that above all else we need to make sure to continue putting first things first. Something I've been very intentional about over the last few years is making sure to remind myself the positions of my kids, my wife, and my physical health in the battle for my attention. As my business grows, I know that those things ultimately have to come first, always. The reason this is so important to me is that I used to not be this way. I was running a business out of my home, on the phone, taking calls, arranging deals, scheduling appointments, I was so busy with life that I forgot what was really important. My relationships were suffering. My body was suffering. I lost the same 20lbs over and over again because I didn't put my health and wellbeing above the other things that were taking control of my life. It took a complete paradigm shift to re-arrange my priorities to better match what they should be. In that shift, that I’ve been mentioning for the past few episodes, I shifted from being encompassed by my business to being in charge of it, but leveraging my team to help my business serve me rather than holding it up. Your team becomes the integral part of your wellbeing, because they hold their own parts of the business so that no one person has to take the full weight of it on their own. This shift affected every aspect of my life in a positive way - from family matters to the business itself, I learned to put first things first and focus on what really matters in the long run.

Recently I was interviewed by a group of GPs to determine whether we would be the right fit for providing healthcare to their customers. Typically, I'm a bit nervous (like most people) when you're going into an interview. Something I've been working on is answering question thoughtfully and asking questions in a manner that gets more information from them then if I asked a 'yes or no' question. I'm simply sharpening up the 'discomfort gland' so I can continue to improve on being put under the pump!

Something I've always loved learning about is serial killers. The psychology behind them, and all of their weird quirks has interested me for decades. Today, I'll talk about them, what they've taught me, and how my life has changed because of them.  This episode is a quick informative one about 5 serial killers who have definitely made me think.  --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/sarah-hahn/support

From Jeff Cisneros: Hard to believe 21 years ago today I became a full-time entrepreneur! My journey has been one of many ups & downs, to many heartbreaks to count, set back after set back, but ultimately I've been able to live life on my terms. Success for me has never been about how full my bank account is, but rather how full my heart is! Something I've learned from day one is believe in yourself, because most won't, love yourself, because nobody else can until you do, and most importantly, take risks without thinking, just jump off that cliff and build the plane on the way down because that my friends is entrepreneurship! CEO at Spartan Labs CEO at Sparta Entertainment CEO at Sparta Media Group CEO at Sparta Sports and Entertainment

Ashlie: (00:17) Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.   Clint: And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.   Ashlie: In today's episode, we're going to talk about the difference between multitasking and switch tasking and how not knowing the difference means that you're about to fry your engine, so just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content. I know that switch tasking is something that we've made mention of in the past, but I'm bringing it up again because without understanding how important it is to realize that there is no such thing as multitasking, it's difficult for us to fully disconnect from work. Clint: (00:57) Something that really hits me is the switch tasking and multitasking concept. For me personally, I love to come home after my all my first day off and clean the house. Something I've always just enjoyed to really do. Normally I do this if Ashley's not here, if she is, then we clean together, but she's more do one thing at a time and very direct in her approach to cleaning and I'm the complete opposite. I pull out everything and I just hop all over the house and kind of do things backwards in her mindset, but it makes sense to me. But I really started realizing how negatively that really impacts the whole process and my cleaning. I start in the kitchen and then something comes to me where, okay I'm one of vacuum now and then now I'm going to clean the bathrooms and I'm kind of going back and forth between all three of these instances and simultaneously I'm doing one thing after the other thinking, well I need to let the bleach sit in the toilet a little bit longer. I need to fold the blankets before I bleached the floors. And it's just, I got to a point to where I really started looking at, okay, I'm done cleaning now and then I look and half the house hasn't even been cleaned cause I thought I already did it because I went from area to area of the house and kinda hopped all over the place. Ashlie: (02:49) I love that you point that out and it's a proven fact that by focusing on one task at a time, you're significantly more efficient when it comes to time management and your proficiency and also the final outcome of whatever it is that you're working on and as cleanse. Talking about this, we're getting ready to do a huge renovation at our house. We're adding on 1500 square feet as you sit there. I know that is the size of a lot of people's homes as it is and we're very fortunate to be able to be in a situation to where we have the capability to do that. It goes a little bit further than just the vanity of expanding on our house. In looking towards the future, which is something that my mind constantly seeks, it's a great business investment when it comes to selling our house 15 years from now, which is what is on our plan. In addition to that, we're creating what will now be a workout room, but we're adding windows, a bathroom and a closet so that we can also have it labeled as another bedroom and eventually my dad will probably end up moving in with us and that will be his space. Ashlie: (04:05) And truth be told it's not 1500 feet or 1500 square feet of just space for my dad. We're also adding onto our bedroom and our closet and essentially making it the dream space for us because we spend so much time in there and also because we know that we want to enjoy our space in the way that we want to for the next 15 years. And the reason I'm explaining to you what this project is for us is because when it comes to switch tasking versus multitasking or essentially the the insignificance or the non-existence of what multitasking even is. My dad's a contractor and I couldn't imagine multitasking while building a house. Essentially it would be like framing up our bathroom and then going to frame up our new workout room and then framing up our closet. It shouldn't work that way. Instead you focus on one task at a time, you frame up the entire remodel and then you move on. If you're getting into the electricity, you don't just wire up one room if you take into account everything. Ashlie: (05:23) And on Friday we had the draftsman out here measuring our whole entire house inside and out, reviewing my rough drafts of our blueprints so that he can create them to give to the engineer. And I couldn't imagine if he had just done one bedroom inside it out and then gone outside and done the outside of it and said he had a partner with him and very meticulously. One was using an iPad to video record while the other one was measuring from wall to wall angle to angle and they were it one piece at a time. Starting from the outside, working their way in. And by noticing that and seeing how proficient they were, not only by measuring, but it was brilliant to have somebody walking through video recording as they announced different measurements throughout each room, wall by wall. And I would imagine in picturing them sitting at their desk or wherever they start to draft these prints that they will be watching the video and they will be going through starting one room at a time, making sure that every angle, every measurement is exactly perfect so that it matches our house exactly as it should and by recognizing that by not multitasking, we as human beings do not have the capacity to simultaneously run multiple programs. Ashlie: (06:48) Even a computer will get bogged down by trying to do that, but by doing one thing at a time, the proficiency, the accuracy, and essentially the perfection in what the final outcome is going to be and has been based on past experience. It doesn't make sense to try to pull yourself in multiple directions when you can get one task done in a much shorter amount of time with much more ease than trying to do several things at once. And we're not taught to do that. We're taught that if you can multitask, that's the number one asset that you should list on your resume. Just Clint: (07:30) Think of this as an example. People say I can drive and talk on my cell phone at the same time. How many accidents are actually caused from doing that? Clint: (07:42) Most of the time you can get by with doing that and it works out perfectly fine. But if you're focused on your phone conversation and you're not focused on your actual driving, it takes away from what you're doing at that moment. Ashlie: (08:00) Yeah. And if you're not sure, I would recommend asking somebody that is a passenger of your vehicle, what they think of your demonstration of being able to quote multitask. And I say that because my dad thinks he's a perfectionist when it comes to juggling a million things at once, primarily inside of the motor vehicle that he's operating. And it will be the first to vouch that essentially he could become one of the most dangerous drivers on the road by doing that. But he thinks he has it under control. And a lot of times we're not humble enough to be able to take a step back and to have that self actualization and the realization pointed out to us from somebody else. And sometimes that's all it takes. Maybe when you're at work, there's a project that you submitted and it took your boss pointing out to you. Ashlie: (08:52) Many mistakes that you made on that project. In retrospect, were you doing many other things at that time? Maybe checking emails, looking at your phone, having someone come into your office, and this goes into any job. I can't think of a single job where it would be of less importance to be able to focus on one thing at a time. Even if you're flipping burgers at McDonald's, they have certain people set up in certain stations for a reason. Some of the most brilliant business minds in the world know that this is what produces the most effectiveness. It's not by chance, but it takes trial and error. It wasn't always that way. I would imagine that the first McDonald's opened up with maybe one or two employees, if not just the business owner themselves doing everything at once until they let go of some of that authority and allowed themselves to not be spread so thin by delegating the tasks. And that's done in a very intentful way because business owners, owners especially know that you have to have very diligent focus and we can take our social media accounts, for example, Clinton, I no longer and haven't for some time managed our own social media accounts. Ashlie: (10:09) And we do that with intent because it allow us, allows us and afforded us the opportunity to be able to focus on more projects intentfully without spreading ourselves too thin and thinking that we need to have control and do everything ourselves all at once. It's impossible. And if you think that it's, it's possible, I would argue. What do you think the quality will look like on the back end? Ashlie: (10:33) And I think it takes a very diligent focus to be able to lay out what your plan should look like on a day to day basis and to understand what those tasks are. Write them out and then execute them one at a time. And in doing that, it's my recommendation that you go for the most challenging, most daunting pain stinking one that you don't want to do and tackle that first. Everything else becomes easy and essentially you're left with a little bit of extra time at the end Ashlie: (11:06) And when you're able to do that and you know that you have the ability to lay out what your focus points are and you execute them one by one without needing to take on several of them at all at once, then you're able to get things done in a more effective way. And by being effective, it allows you to get things done quicker. Am I doing things quicker? It allows for more of the perfection that you seek. And by doing that, it really enables you to focus more time on the things that are most important. The time with your family, with your friends, with your pets, the time to do the hobbies, more time on your health, your fitness, more time to read, to meditate, to go to church, to expand on whatever it is that's most important for you in your life. And when you understand that sometimes all it takes is creating a list and then executing that list by one item at a time, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.   Balance. Optimize. Tactics.  Hit that subscribe button so that you don’t miss a day of the added value that I am dedicated to sharing with you weekly.  Let’s Connect!  Facebook  Instagram  Email: ashliewalton555@gmail.com  LinkedIn  Website: www.leowarriors.com Free Training: www.leowarrior.com

Today we are doing something a little different. Something I've never done on a podcast before. I am connecting with your angels and giving you an angel card reading. If this reading does not resonate with you, please note this message was not for you. You will know if this reading is for you, as you are not here by accident. Your angels want to give you a message. To book your own angel card reading visit: https://devine-love.com/angel-card-reading/ Mention this podcast and receive a bonus card! With love and light Sheena! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/devinelove/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/devinelove/support

A talk from my heart about Procrastination...Something I've really dealt with. Talking about the reasons we delay our own progress...And how we need to get out of our way to succeed. Here are some Reasons we Procrastination: 1. Being afraid to fail 2. Being a Perfectionist 3. Low Energy Levels 4. Lack of Focus But there is a way out of the habit...But you have to be willing to do the work! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/ninasimone/message

Where in your life are you sitting on the sidelines and hoping to get picked by someone else? To contribute to their book? To speak on their stage? To be on their show? Something I've done over and over again is choose myself! You should, too. Listen now to find out why. ~ Cody P.S. Want more in-person training and collaboration? Go to www.onehourfunnellive.com now to secure your seat December 17-19 in Denver, CO.

Something I've been training on a lot lately is the notion of keeping yourself from speaking only 30% of the conversation. If you're making a sale, you need to be listening to try to find some sort of value you can bring to that situation.

Josh joined John for a chat for about his music and new song "Here I burn "Josh delivers music that delves into a world where his guitar playing creates textures that carry, conflict and challenge his vocal tones and colours in biographical confessionals. His music is written about life, and one thing that you can be assured of is that the music will always come straight from the heart and be powerfully authentic. And that's all he really cares about. "Something I've found has made me say goodbye to my processed life.” These lyrics from his debut single Processed Life summarise the motivation that drives Josh to pursue his passion to have a career and life as a musician. Having an interest for all things musical from a young age saw his musical curiosity pique when introduced to the guitar at the age of 9.

Something I've learned to focus on to access the feeling of what I desire. I find this is helpful when making choices about health, finances, and more.

Welcome to Tale Wagging: A Gleeful Retelling of little known fairy tales, folklore, history, and more! Our next story is The Six Swans (collected by Andrew Lang for the Yellow Fairy Book). Something I've found often with fairy tales is very similar stories. A few days later, I found The Twelve Wild Ducks (a Norwegian tale collected by Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jørgen Moe in Norske Folkeeventyr) and added it into this episode. If you’d like to get in touch or send us a story you’d like to hear on the podcast: E-mail us at talewaggingpodcast@gmail.com Find us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TaleWaggingPod Follow us on Twitter: @TaleWaggingPod We’d really love it if you could take a moment to PLEASE subscribe, rate, and REVIEW this podcast anywhere you can. It really helps us get found by others on this new adventure. If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend, tweet about it on the interwebz, or send a raven! AND If YOU are under an evil enchantment and have been turned into a creature of some kind, I can’t promise listening to the next episode will transform you back, but…it might! This is Tale Wagging. May all your dreams come true. --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/tale-wagging/message

By the end of this episode, I just put it out there... Something I've struggled to admit for most of my adult life. This episode of the [... and Landlord] Rental Real Estate Investing Podcast speaks on the subject of our: Mindset; Attitude; Vision; (and what I come to admit) - my Passion - TO BE RICH! But in the process I give insight into the books on the www.andlandlord/books page that have aided me greatly in expanding my Mindset; improving my Attitude; focusing my Vision; and refining my Passion. This Episode #23 of the [... and Landlord] Podcast is an extension of last week's Episode #22 that asked the question - What's Your Why? Because the things discussed in this show are the things that will help you to achieve your WHY.

Have you ever felt like you can't manifest what you want because you feel like a hot mess express? Something I've struggled with in the past was constantly trying to get in perfect alignment so I would be worthy of receiving what I wanted. I thought I couldn't manifest unless the conditions were perfect and I felt in 100% high-vibe alignment - all the time. I couldn't possibly have a bad day or an off-week...or else it would F everything up. Over the years, I've discovered that's a complete lie. On today's podcast episode, we get super real and I bust the #1 myth floating around the internet around manifesting. I explain why you DON'T have to be in perfect alignment to manifest what you want. Instead, you'll learn the four ingredients I use to manifest even when sh*t hits the fan. Screenshot and tag me if this episode added value for you: @iamtoriwashington  

Ceri Wheeldon of Fab after Fifty talks to Life Coach Carole Ann Rice of the Real Coaching Company about Friendship over 50.In this episode we talk about friendships old and new.How we may outgrow old friendships and managing the sense of lossMaking new friends - where and howImpact of social media on friendshipHow and why friendships changeDifferent types of friendshipsSetting boundaries with friendsHow to make longlasting and fulfilling friendships ----more----Full transcript:Hello. [00:00:03] And welcome to the Fab after Fifty podcast leading the pro age conversation. [00:00:09] So today on the Fab after 50 podcast I have with me  my special guest Carole Ann Rice who is a life coach and the only life coach to have a weekly column in a national newspaper. In fact she's just had her four hundredth column published in The Daily Express. That's quite an achievement. And she's also director of her own life coach Academy the Pure Coaching Academy which I'm sure she’ll tell us more about during this podcast.  Carole welcome to Fab after Fifty. [00:00:38] Thank you for having me. [00:00:39] Carole we've got some interesting topics to talk today talk about today haven't we. And I think we said we were going to start with talking about friendship over fifty and various aspects of friendship over 50. [00:00:54] Yes it's an important part of life that you  can't choose your family but at least you can choose your friends so it's you know friends can be very important to us especially as we age. [00:01:07] Absolutely. But we were we were talking about way this the other day and about the fact that sometimes we can actually outgrow friendships that we've had for many years. [00:01:18] Yes. Yeah. I mean you meet someone at school or college. They met you when you were younger and it doesn't necessarily mean that your lives will go along happily on parallel lines. [00:01:30] We grow we change each year. We are different as  we grow. We learn new things we let go of new things we reinvent our style. [00:01:38] So we're different from the person we were a year ago let alone 25,30 years ago. So you know just like marriages can sometimes drift apart. So can friends because you don't always share the same life experiences or have the same interests you used to have when you were younger. [00:01:57] No I mean I know it's very difficult though isn't it at certain times. Do you think you have perhaps outgrown a friendship or you don't really feel that positive when you're looking at when you've got arrangements to meet somebody but we still feel obliged to go through with those meetings or continue those friendships partly because of the history. [00:02:16] I think there is something. Well there's a couple of things here. [00:02:19] One is if you enjoy the kind of comfy nostalgia of the friendships and you can relive old times and talk about the past and have a laugh in that way and that's that's good. Even if you've drifted apart you can very much share those past life experiences. Then there's the other side. If you have grown far apart and you might have moved ahead in your career or your family and your friend hasn't or you might have remarried or doing all sorts different things. It could be that you don't have a lot in common anymore. And actually the friendship is a bit laboured and you kind of dread seeing that person simply because there is no compatibility there anymore. I suppose in the old days it used to be a phone call or letter or an occasional meet. At least you could if you wanted to continue a relationship that's become a bit tired via Facebook and keep in touch with people using social media so you don't have to completely cut someone out of your life and you can still have a very cheery nice connected friendship. But more and more of a distance. [00:03:25] What about  we read an awful lot now I think in the press about sort of narcissists and toxic friendships. I mean what if we happen to be unfortunate enough to come across both sorts of people as personal friends. [00:03:38] The thing is that narcissism isn't a new thing that's been around since year dot. So we've always had people who are a bit show off and self-centered the world every every conversation begins. [00:03:51] I mean you meet and you know sometimes a meet and timid or introverted person is quite grateful for an extrovert diva glamorous then who's only talking about themselves that they can not and smiling vicariously enjoy the drama queens life vicariously. But if you do find that the narcissist or the toxic person is grating with you then you have to seriously think about how long you're prepared to tolerate this deadening and de- energizing relationship. [00:04:30] What would your tips be though Carole. No. I don't know about you but I have do you have that situation in my life that I felt so guilty of bringing that friendship to a close. I think one has to start by distance saying so seeing the person less and then perhaps if you really don't want to make a final cut. [00:04:50] See them infrequently. But if you do ring fence it like I'll see you for coffee I've only got an hour to see if it's still so horse maybe every three to six months or so literally a lunchtime catch up a coffee and a cake or something. And then you sort of feel like I've still got a bit of connection with this person. They're not essentially that bad but I just don't really like spending a lot of time with them. So you could keep it. [00:05:13] You know have a boundary around it. [00:05:17] Equally you know one doesn't want to be rude and so don't actually want to see you again because you really are tiring to be around. [00:05:25] So I typing away is the way to do it. But then you have to decide to I'd never ever want to see this person can I just want to have more measures. [00:05:35] All right. I mean I know people who say that they have certain friends who are so demanding of them. One thing of tension certain given back almost They feel bullied by those friendships. I mean I guess that's kind of an extreme isn't it. But I suppose it can happen. [00:05:53] It can happen. But also you know bullying means a victim. So don't be the victim. You know there's ways of doing this. [00:06:01] So sometimes we are particularly British people very polite and we tolerate a lot of bad behavior. And I think it is about personal boundaries if that person is being demanding as a  rule. dominating taking but not giving someone needs to put a boundary with that person so they are obviously slightly out of control. They don't have any self-awareness. You might have to say hey x y z. When we meet up here's the deal. OK let's not talk about your horrendous marriage let's not talk about your diet that you're. And we got We all kind of going to have different topics we'll talk about the same thing and kind of like get you know we've got a bit of a draggy friend who's always banging on about bad relationships. I tell you just the one. Let's have some really good fun tonight and that none of us talk about the draggy things again. Lets all go and do something together. Well we don't have to go down there and it's almost like letting the person know that's enough,  we've agreed. We're going to see a show. Go to see a comedy club with that person can't dominate. Or just simply said no I can't do that. I can't take your phone call right now we're having dinner and let the person there's a line of kind of respect that you are putting in place that you wish them to value whenever. [00:07:23] I know. I mean I had a situation recently with a lovely friend actually that we both had a difficult situation both of which were not nice but totally out of our control. But we agreed that when we met up we have exchanged the facts and it was to do with family health et cetera et cetera. We'd exchange the facts that we first met and then we just go and have a nice evening and we wouldn't discuss it, we'd exchange the fact they would know the horrible things that are going on but then we'd move on and we'd go to the cinema or we join other people for dinner or we would do something. But we'd agreed that once we'd exchange that the basic information that was upsetting we wouldn't let off face to face time be affected bit. What a great plandid it work. It did work because they both needed a break from it. So we kind of where we would agree that there'd be no for the phone with exchange a lot of the detail but we just agreed that when we went out we don't live close together so you know the opportunity to actually see each other were not that frequent or aren't that frequent.  The evening would be as nice as possible. We both needed to do something fun. [00:08:27] Well it was a good tactic there. [00:08:30] It was a good tactic not seen it would work in all cases but it's also work as you said if it's a one sided situation we've had somebody go into that horrendous relationship or breakup or whatever it could still work to say 10 minutes to tell me and then you  draw a line and move on. [00:08:48] Yes absolutely. So that was letting people know in a polite way that that's that's what is required now. [00:08:56] Exactly. But also I guess as we reach that as we reach our 50s and beyond and we go through different life stages maybe we need also to introduce new friends into our lives. [00:09:09] Definitely. And I think women are quite good at making new friends men tend to be less if they distrust other guys. [00:09:18] But they are not so open to meet new genuine pals. Whereas women will do yoga classes or classes or take up art or do mini workshops and retreats and things and sometimes the community of people that you meet in those events can be very very heartwarming and real. And you do want to see that person afterwards. And you've shared an experience and a whole new social scene can open up with a fresh new friend because you're starting the new new hobbies and new directions in your life. And with that comes new people that you meet along the way and I think that's one of the joys of life now is that so many hobbies, courses ,options, workshops, retreats experiences that you can go on and you're with like minded people in the room already. [00:10:05] You've got a community of people who have similar interests to you. Something I've done recently I've started locally and just a book club with a couple of friends and we agree that all bring another friend that wasn't known to us. No it was I didn't know the other people friends. Yeah and through it I actually had some really nice times. But what's nice about that is there is very much that everybody takes the turn to host. We just do cheese and nibbles and things and the host chooses the book for the next week or whatever or the next month rather  but then you've got a topic of conversation to keep the evening off. So you might start off talking about the book which could lead into all sorts of other things. Yeah. There's not a lot of gossipy evening at all. And you end up discussing really interesting things and learning things about people's lives as they relate to those storylines in the book that you wouldn't otherwise have known. And I think that's another really nice way I think to meet people so much. [00:11:01] Something I recommend my clients not because it's inexpensive and a fun way of broadening your literary choices and listening to people. [00:11:12] Yeah I mean we have had I guess some disappointing books and you have to accept when you do that you're not going to enjoy every single book that's chosen. As you said  they introduce you to new authors and they may introduce you to new people as well. [00:11:25] Absolutely yes that's a good one. [00:11:28] So and I mean from your perspective when you work with your clients Carolewhat they can when it comes to friendship is what are the key issues that they find they'd like to discuss with you about friendship. [00:11:41] I think there's a lot of loneliness at the moment. And that doesn't mean that you haven't got friends. It's not just single women in their fifties either. They've never met the right guy or they're divorced or single mums and the children are moving away and there's a sense of loneliness. [00:12:00] I.e. if you got a lot of married friends at weekends so about you don't get to meet up your friends if they're with their families. Also Facebook although really good for connection can make you feel very lonely and feel that you're not living the big life and that you're on holiday or surrounded by other people and thumbs up at the camera. Everyone's having a fantastic time and you're feeling a little bit depressed and at home and thinking gee you my life's so rubbish compared with my friends so it's a bit of social anxiety and loneliness that can come from that. Bizarrely from the connection with social media you have to be careful what you look at there. So sometimes I ask my clients to have a sort of social media detox where they don't keep them on their phones Twitter Facebook and Instagram to see how that one else's lifestyle. You don't quite match up. The other thing is having the courage to try new things if you if you are stuck then then you go out and go to go to workshops and volunteer and help with green issues. There are many many things you can do to meet new people. The other one is usually that the women with no boundaries I they're very nice and might be slightly introverted can get walked over to know by the domineering friends who expect them to pick them up from  the airport look after their kids or become a bit of a spare hand unpaid staff sort of thing so sometimes by working with clients it's helping them to establish confident strong boundaries and to be able to speak up and be assertive without being rude. But what happens when you do that is you actually get increased respect and people like you more when you when you stop people convincing others to say they understand that you're a person with their own needs and your own opinions and they must be respected not to just be railroaded over. [00:13:55] We have intrinsically with a lot of women we are people pleasers aren't we in all areas of life whether that's work, relationships and also in friendships. [00:14:05] Absolutely. And you know friendships can come at any time and in many cases be open to that. [00:14:11] And also some friendships just naturally do have their own shelf life. But not everyone is supposed to be a friend for life. No. You know we say you had a really really fantastic and fun colleague and your whole thing was giggling at the boss and sending each other's notes and bringing cakes in and going out for lunch together. That might not be have any relevance when you leave to go to another job and you see that person again and you think it doesn't really work outside of the office. And we've moved on I've moved on sometimes status envy can come in as well. You know you marry your friends dont,  you lose weight, your friends are larger they resent you,  you've gone on a fantastic holiday they stay. So sometimes they can be sort of petty rivalries in the friendships as well which can tear people apart. [00:15:05] All sorts of things as we as we grow and change over the years out how we are affects how other people relate to us. Do you want to take up salsa dancing and meet some fantastic new guy and all your friends are sort of thinking well we don’t really relate to us. Well how can she do that. You start to feel alienated from some of your core group of friends because you're spending and growing. [00:15:30] I saw a quote once which I think I probably shared at some point which said friends that come into your life for a reason a season or for life. And I think that's so true isn't it. [00:15:39] Absolutely. And never let them go. And you know just recently because of the dreaded or much loved Facebook last year around about this time of year I was walking down the street got a ping on my phone someone I hadn't spoken to or seen for about 27 years contacted me and said Hi how are you. [00:15:59] And we've seen each other so much this year we can't even remember how or why we fell apart or whatever got in the way of our friendship. It's been fantastic having her back and I have sort of missed her at first. I really can't remember what natural split was. There's no acrimony between us there's no looking back have a meeting see her tonight actually. And what a fantastic thing. Twenty five years to 27 years after we're back in touch that probably wouldn't have happened if there wasn't such a thing as social media. [00:16:30] When you could use literally inquiries in the yellow pages that people remarry and move on and then have the same names anymore. So it's really good keep contact with people we haven't seen for years. [00:16:41] I absolutely think  that's a really sort of nice way to reconnect to sort of and have  that friendship I guess flourish and grow again isn't it. [00:16:50] Yeah I mean you know it's always something that you still have in common and you can laugh about the past but you can also sort of look at each other or think wow I did this 25 years ago when I didn't even know she had a daughter. [00:17:01] She didn't know I have two children means a lot to catch up on still. [00:17:07] So have you got three top tips there when it comes to female, I guess we're talking female friendships here aren't we. But I guess it could apply to you know other sorts of friendships as well but primarily sort of I guess female friendships. Three top tips. Would you be able to offer. In relation to what? Three top tips.  Just in relation to th I guess managing your friendships when it comes to this stage of our lives over 50. Well what do you think is interesting in friendship I think don't expect too much from one person just like we expect so much from our partner. [00:17:40] Which  often is unreasonable don't expect too much from one really good friend. [00:17:46] I have what I call a complete composite friends or patchwork of friends of. I go to Kew Gardens. That's all we do. She doesn't drink alcohol. She doesn't eat out in restaurants. We go to Kew Gardens we have a lovely walk around and I have book club friends I have someone I always go to the cinema with always I have my Prosecco boozy night friends I have one that is my absolute confidant and it's bottle of wine around her house and food  parcels and doggie bags when times are tough. So you know I have friends you don't have to be everything to you don't have to try for one friend every exhibition every phone call every little thing that goes wrong in your life have different friends for different things. So I think that's the first one and just enjoy that area with them. The second one is to fully accept that sometimes people do drift away for whatever reason and it can be very very hurtful actually when a best friend goes. It's almost as bad as a marriage.  You feel that your confidant has gone and it could be very very heartbreaking. The thing is people go and move away for different reasons. Let them go and be grateful for the time that you had. You never know why they went and they very well may come back to you. And the third one is keep an open mind to always meetng new.  I've people on a train and that's literally the Piccadilly line in London going in I liked a book someone was reading , started chatting to her. I told her I was a life coach. I dealt with books like that and we had a coffee. Some months after she contacted me remember I was the girl on the train. So you never know who you're sitting next to be brave. You know we're over 50 now a bit more confident a bit more sassiness  about us reach out. You never know who whose hands you might take. [00:19:36] No. That's right. You never know where you're going to meet new friends in life do you know. Well thank you very much for sharing all that with us today. And if people want to contact you what is the best way for them to get in touch. [00:19:52] Well it's probably best to just Google me on Carole Ann Rice or my company is called the Real Coaching Company and my academy is Pure Coaching Academy.  If you want to train to become a life coach in women over 50 make brilliant life coaches check out Pure Coaching Academy or or just google me as a life coach Carole Anne Rice. [00:20:12] Thank you so much for joining us today and for sharing your thoughts and friendship with that about 50 audience. Thank you Carole. Thank you Ceri. [00:20:25] So I'd love it if you would subscribe to the channel share the link with your friends. But then we can all be fab after 50 together. 

Have you ever wished that you and your partner could communicate better with one another and avoid conflict? Communication can feel very complex - but today we’re going to show you some very specific and practical exercises you can do with your partner that will improve your communication, mindset, and relationship satisfaction. This week, our guest is Jonathan Robinson, the author of many books including More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples. Jonathan Robinson has worked with many couples and has been featured on TV and media - most notably he was on Oprah several times! By the end of this episode, you’ll have some new, practical ways to approach communication that will have an immediate impact on your experience in a relationship. Also, announcing that tickets are on sale for Relationship Alive...LIVE! featuring Terry Real. We'll have a musical guest (Katie Matzell trio), and you'll also have the chance to ask YOUR questions. The show will be on June 6, 2019, at One Longfellow Square in Portland, Maine. Limited seats available. Click here to buy your tickets now! As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Our sponsor today is Blinkist. Blinkist is the only app that takes the best key takeaways and the need-to-know information from thousands of nonfiction books and condenses them down into just 15 minutes that you can read or listen to. Go to Blinkist.com/ALIVE to start your free 7-day trial. Resources: Visit Jonathan’s website to learn more about his work. Pick up your copy of Jonathan Robinson’s book, More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/morelove to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Jonathan Robinson. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. Today we're going to get really practical and we're going to get really practical about communication. But not only are we going to get practical about communication, we're also going to get practical about communication in a way that will bring you closer to your partner. And we're also going to address this from the perspective of things that you can do with your partner, structured exercises that will definitely take you to a new level of understanding and intimacy and vulnerability. And on top of that, we're going to get some tips about how to do things on your own, kinda renegade style, so that if your partner isn't necessarily signing up for communication exercises 101, you can still make huge progress in your relationship and your connection. And in order to have today's conversation, we have with us yet another esteemed guest. His name is Jonathan Robinson and he's the author of the book More Love Less Conflict: A Communication Playbook for Couples, among many other books. Jonathan has worked with many couples, has worked with Fortune 500 companies, and has been featured on TV and media. Neil Sattin: Notably, he was on Oprah several times. And as you'll see his words are practical, applicable to your life. And they make a lot of sense, but they're not necessarily the kind of thing that you would automatically think to do. They're the kinds of things that once you hear them, you'll be like, "Oh yeah, of course, that's the way I should have been doing this all along." So I'm excited to have Jonathan here with us today. We are going to dive in momentarily, but before we do, just a reminder that if you want to download a detailed transcript of today's episode, you can visit NeilSattin.com/morelove. That's the word more and the word love kinda squished together. And along with the transcript, Jonathan Robinson has also generously offered to combine with that his 50 desires. It's a list of things that are these universal desires that can, as you'll see, help you really get more in touch with what it is you're after anyway in your relationship and in any given moment. So that is also free for you when you download the transcript. And again, that's at NeilSattin.com/morelove. Neil Sattin: Or you can simply text the word Passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions which will lead you to a page where you can download the transcript, the bonus desires, worksheet, and a lot of other goodies as well from our other episodes. I think that's it for now. Jonathan Robinson, thank you so much for being here with us today on Relationship Alive. Jonathan Robinson: Well, thank you, Neil. This will be fun. Neil Sattin: I sure hope so. Let's see. How can we make it fun? Let's just start right in with something super fun. One thing that I really appreciate about your book, as I just mentioned, is how practical it is not only for people who have a partner who's willing to sit down with them and go through something structured but also the way that you're always offering these helpful hints that allow someone to just kind of incorporate it into their lives on their own and change the steps of the dance. And I'm wondering, obviously, ideally our partners work with us on the project of our relationships, but I'm wondering what you've seen as far as people taking some of these plays in your communication playbook and putting them into practice on their own, and what kinds of results you've seen them effect in their relationships. Jonathan Robinson: Well, in fact, it's pretty rare to have two partners that both want to work on a relationship. If you have that, usually there's not that much of a problem. So mostly I get couples who are basically on the verge of divorce where one person is dragged in kicking and screaming. And even in those situations, if you have the right method, the right technologies so to speak, you can still get to a place of love often in like 20 minutes. So I use the analogy, if you're trying to go from where you are in Portland, Maine to California, well, if you have a plane, you can do it in six hours. If you don't have a plane, it's going to take you a couple of years. So some of these tools are really amazing technology that helps us get back to a place of love very quickly. Neil Sattin: And some of them I noticed, okay, that kind of reminds me of Imago or that reminds me of something I've seen in the Gottman's work. And have some of those things just been trial and error on your part or what's that process of discovery like for you in coming up with these ways to help people in their communication? Jonathan Robinson: Well, I use it in my own marriage, but also with my clients. And what I notice is that when people are upset they can't remember Imago stuff or Gottman stuff necessarily. They're too complex for most couples. So I tried to make it so that anything I taught in my book could be pretty well done in 20 seconds or less. Now, there's a few exceptions, but I know when I'm really stressed out or upset, I don't remember all the theory. What I remember is maybe I can say three words or maybe I can complete a sentence. So I tried to find the best and easiest methods that can be done usually in under 20 seconds. And that's usually what people actually can do, but the good news is, if they do it, it does lead to a transformation. My wife and I, when we first married we argued a lot, and I was looking for a way that even though we were upset, we could avoid arguments. Jonathan Robinson: So I came up with a method called the Yellow Light Method, which just involves saying two words and if I can remember to say those two words we avoid arguments. And in the last five years, we've only had one argument. And basically, the method is if you're finding that you're upset or your partner's upset either you can say yellow light, and that's a signal to take two minutes out and take some deep breaths and then restart the conversation. And when you interrupt that momentum of upset, usually you don't go into an argument. So those are the type of methods I like the most. The ones that are so simple yet work pretty much 100% of the time. Neil Sattin: Yeah, it's so important, too, to have something reliable that you can turn to that doesn't require a lot of thought, because as we've talked about here on the show a lot, you're not even really able to think. That part of your brain that accesses creative problem-solving thinking, it tends to go offline as soon as you start to feel your heart beating a little more quickly and get into that disconnected angry or hurt wanting to escape, angry wanting to fight, whatever it is. When you're in that mode, having to think it through is probably one of the most challenging things you have to do. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, I can't do it, so I can't expect other people too. [chuckle] That's why they pass... These methods have passed the most severe test possible. Do they actually work in my life? Neil Sattin: Yeah, that's super important. And I like, too, that you offer examples in the book of things that happen with your wife. It's kind of a new theme here on the show because I think it's easy to get the impression that when you know all this stuff about relationships that things are smooth sailing all the time, and it's never challenging. And people like the Gottmans, they must just never fight. It's always bliss. It's always cherishing. And so lately, I've been asking my guests to name some of their own challenges just to make it real. And so I like that you offer that in your book, as well. These are challenges we've experienced and how I've used this particular exercise or how my wife and I have used it to help ourselves in these moments. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's been a way to keep it on us, because we all face challenges in relationships. It's just a matter of whether you have ways of getting around those challenges or if you resort to the time tested tried-and-true method that most couples work or use, which is blame. And as you know, Neil, blame never works. Never once have I blamed my wife for my annoyance or blamed her and telling her what she does wrong where she then came back and said, "Oh yeah, now I see where you're talking about. I'm going to have to change that." I bat zero for 500 on that one. So that got me looking for other ways to do it. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and it's funny how ineffective so many of our innate strategies are, and yet without a new repertoire that's just what you do over and over again. Even though if you were to step back and look at the evidence, "Did this work? Did anything change? Do I feel more connected?" Any of that, the answer would probably be no for most of those things people just do. Blame, complain. Jonathan Robinson: Shame. Neil Sattin: Shame. Yeah, exactly. Criticize. Yeah, all those kinds of things. Jonathan Robinson: Well, most of us, most couples don't even have 15 minutes of communication education in their life. And I think of a marriage or communication is something that we're doing all the time. We should have a lot of practice at it. If you even had 15 minutes on how to fly a plane, you would have a chance of not crashing, but if you don't have those 15 minutes and you have to take over a plane in mid-flight, you're probably going to crash. And that's an experience a lot of couples have is that they just don't have any other methods they've been taught other than blame, shame, complain. And therefore, that's what the habit they fall back into when things get tense. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, well, fortunately, we don't just have 15 minutes now. We have a good 45 minutes where we can help you who are listening come up the curve a little bit more. We're going to give you some cool exercises and things to try. And then, I'm just thinking about the study that... I just had John and Julie Gottman on the show and they were talking about this study where there were these married couples, I think they had children, both worked and they figured out that basically, these people had 15 minutes of communication time period, over the course of a week. That that was it. And of course, that time was more or less about the bills and logistics. And so if we can save that for you so that that 15 minutes can be something truly special and hopefully you have more than 15 minutes with your partner or with the people closest to you, then I'll feel like we did a good job here today, Jonathan. Jonathan Robinson: That sounds good. Neil Sattin: Awesome. So where's a good place to start? I know that I mentioned the universal desires when I first was talking about what we're going to talk about today, and maybe that would be a good place for us to just kinda drop in. But I'm open to your influence here about where do you like to start people out on this journey? Jonathan Robinson: Well, you mentioned the Gottmans and they've done some great work. And one of the things I liked about them is they said that probably the best predictor of how happy couples are is the amount of appreciations they give to each other or the ratio of appreciations to criticism. So a very simple method, and I like simple, is that I have couples complete this sentence, "Something I noticed today about you that I appreciate is... " and you just complete that sentence. I have couples do that once a day and people are often hesitant like, "Oh, that's too simple or too mechanical," but it really does make a huge difference. And I'm a typical guy, so I actually have my iPhone remind me to do this every day, otherwise, I forget. And it's amazing how that can really help bond couples. Or if I did it with you, Neil. Something I noticed about you that I appreciate is that you're very clear in your communication. We had to do some scheduling stuff, but you were always very clear and helpful and before the show, during the show, it just makes it much easier to be a guest when I know where you're at and what you're thinking. Jonathan Robinson: So I'm already thinking that thought, but when we say our appreciations, it helps to more bond, whether it be a couple or friendship. And that's something that's so easy to do that most people are missing out on because they don't make it a habit. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and when I think about for a lot of us that can equal love or feeling loved is it gets conflated with appreciation, and so it's like you don't really feel like you're being loved by your partner if you're not getting that kind of acknowledgment from them about how you shine in their eyes. Jonathan Robinson: Exactly, it's probably the quickest way for couples to feel emotionally connected. Neil Sattin: And I really like the sentence stem approach, "Something I noticed about you today that I appreciate is," I think that's good because it gives us a way to focus our attention rather than being lost in the sea of all the possible appreciations. It's like pull something out of today, out of this moment. because I can imagine even just sitting down with my wife, Chloe, and what it feels like to have her attention. Even that in the moment would be something I would really appreciate, I'd probably want to reflect that right back to her just like how good it feels to experience her listening to me. Jonathan Robinson: I like the method of sentence stems because they're so simple and yet can be so effective. I'll put out a couple more of the ones I really like. One is, "Something I've been hesitant to talk to you about lately is... " That helps bring in the difficult things that we sometimes avoid. Or how about this one? If you're in a disagreement and you're both trying to blame each other to use this sentence stem, "A way I see that I contributed to this upset is... " You say that and it immediately changes the energy of the conversation because now you're taking some responsibility which then leads to your partner doing that. So there's a lot of sentence stems in the More Love Less Conflict book that work really powerfully and immediately. And they only take 20 seconds to complete. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and that one you just named for diffusing conflict, I experienced that just the other day where Chloe and I, we had an argument about something. Oh, I remember exactly what it was. Sometimes our lives get a little busy and I think I've even mentioned on the show before that there can be dishes in the sink. And we each could be responsible for doing more dishes, I think. Our dog sometimes does more dishes than we do. And so there were no dishes, I was in a rush, I was making a meal. And we have a stack of special dishes that we're really not supposed to use. But rather than use a dish... I actually, come to think of it, I had just washed a bunch of dishes, but they were still wet and I didn't want to dry the dish with a towel, so I just reached for the special dish from the pile of special dishes. And Chloe got really angry at me. "Don't use one of those dishes. You just washed all of those dishes. I've asked you not to use those dishes." So innocent enough, I'm reaching for the dishes, and it would have been so easy for me to just get really angry and in fact, I did get angry. I was like, "Don't tell me what to do." Neil Sattin: It was really a glorious moment for us of conflict. And we each stepped away for a minute or two, because we had been under a lot of stress that day, a lot of pressure. And then I came back, and I said something like, "I'm really sorry that I just yelled," or "I just yelled at you just then. I see that I went to use one of those dishes, and I know you've asked me not to use them a lot. And even though I feel like it's my right [chuckle] to take them, I recognize that you asked me not to, and I did anyway, and I can see how that must have felt like I was slighting you or not really paying attention to what you've asked me to do in the past." Neil Sattin: And I will say that it didn't sound exactly like that when I said it to her. But it was along those lines. And it was really hard and painful for me to say that, because like you mention in your book, my ego just wanted to be right and wanted to make her wrong for having spoken up about it or tried to control me or whatever it was, that was her part in the dance. But I did have my part in the dance, and through owning it, right afterward Chloe said, "Yeah, I really... The way that I said that I'm really sorry, I know that must have... You must felt like I was really coming down on you or talking down to you," or something like that is what she said. And that was it, argument over, [chuckle] and we went back to just being connected and loving, and it was a really quick transformation. It's amazing because that gap from Maine to California that you were talking about earlier, that can feel like it's going to take two years, and it really can be as quick as making a shift like that. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah. And one of the things I like about the sentence stems is that it can be hard to figure it out the right thing to say on your own, but if you have the first part of the sentence memorized like, "I see the way that I contributed to this upset is... " then it becomes relatively easy and easier on your ego to just say that sentence and then the shift happens. So I always try to take these big ideas like taking responsibility or being more appreciative and turn them into a method or a technology that's so simple that even me at my worst can do it. And it seems like that's really what people need because we often know the theory, we often know what we're supposed to do, but when the rubber hits the road, we don't have that keyword to say that is really going to turn it in a new direction. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, are there other magical sentence stems that come to mind? Jonathan Robinson: Well, there's 30 of them in the book. [chuckle] I'll spread 'em out through this interview. One thing that I like as a sentence stem is just saying, "Right now, I'm feeling... " Whatever you're feeling, and then, "Right now I'm wanting... " whatever you're wanting, because saying what you're feeling and wanting is really key information for your partner. And normally, we're very indirect, we're very not good at saying that in a way that our partner gets. So during the day, if I'm spending time with my wife, I'll think that sentence stem "Right now, I'm feeling like I want to be more connected with you. I guess I'm wanting a hug right now." And that helps point me in the right direction. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, and I think it's important, you talk about this in the book, in the chapter where you're covering that sentence stem in particular, how important it is to identify what you're actually feeling versus, "I'm feeling like you're being an idiot right now," [chuckle] which is what people sometimes tend to do, which is to take an I feel statement and attach a judgment on the end of it, as opposed to just owning what they're actually feeling in that moment. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's why I have, in the book, a page of just feelings. Here are 30 feelings. You're probably feeling one of these, you're not feeling... Even if you're thinking I'm feeling like they're an idiot, what you're probably feeling is I'm feeling annoyed or I'm feeling frustrated. And to some extent, that's a learning process because a lot of couples don't have that practice where they say, well, this really isn't a feeling. What am I feeling? So having a list in front of you can actually be very helpful that way. Neil Sattin: Right, yeah, won't that be great when... I think you talk about this in terms of languages and communication, but to be able to Google how am I feeling right now? And get an [chuckle] Oh, turns out that I'm feeling annoyed right now. That makes sense, actually. Thanks, Google. Yeah, and then the second part of that stem, I'm feeling this, and what I'd really like is... And I think I'm not getting it quite right, but that last part of really being able to identify what it is you would like and what the desire might be underneath that seems so important for people to get clear on. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, there's really two things that people want. They want... And usually, it looks like I want them to give me a certain action like maybe a hug or I want them to do the dishes. But underneath that, we think that if they did those things, we would get a certain desire fulfilled. Like if they gave me a hug I'd feel more connected, or if they did the dishes I'd feel more respected or something like that. So knowing what the ultimate aim is the ultimate desire or need you're trying to fulfill can be very helpful because they might do the dishes in a way that is throwing the dishes around and being upset while they're doing it, and the dishes get done, but you don't feel more respected at the end of it. Neil Sattin: Right, right, and how useful is it for you to be clear about that with your partner so that the underlying motivations are the realm that you're dealing in, not trying in this roundabout way to get your needs or desires met. Jonathan Robinson: And in fact, most partners are much more open to satisfying our underlying desires than they are to satisfying our other requests. If you said, "Well, I want you to do the dishes," they might have some resistance, but if you said, "What I'm really wanting is I'm wanting to feel more respected and more connected to you." That tends to be more vulnerable, and vulnerability is a real key to intimacy. If you look at the word intimacy, the instructions are there, into me see. So when we reveal what we're really wanting on an emotional level, that tends to open up our partners' hearts and makes them more connected and more open to doing what we want. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and then does it make sense to you to follow up with once your partner's offered vulnerability like that to ask, "What could I do that would help you feel seen and respected." Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Neil Sattin: And then they'll say, "You could do the dishes." [laughter] Jonathan Robinson: Actually, probably just asking what can I do to help you feel more respected would help them to feel more respected. Neil Sattin: True. Jonathan Robinson: But the dishes might be another way as well. Neil Sattin: It might be, but what occurs to me is that it's more likely that if the dishes were kind of a surrogate for that feeling seen and respected that now that the true desire is out in the open, that on further reflection someone might be like, "Well, the dishes would be nice, but what would really help me feel seen and respected would be if I could talk to you about my day and have you just listen with your undivided attention." Jonathan Robinson: Right, you're getting to a place where you're much more effective in satisfying your partner's real needs. And that's something that's really critical, because a lot of times partners don't even know what their partner's real needs are, and even if they do know what they are, which is unusual, they may be very ineffective in satisfying them. Take the issue of sex, which is a good example. A lot of couples don't ever directly say what they most enjoy in bed, so they find that they put up with their partner doing things which is not really what really does it for them. So here's a good sentence stem: Three things I really love that you do in bed are... And three things that I really don't care for much are... Just completing that sentence can improve your love life 50% in five minutes. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and I'm curious for you when someone hears three things I love are blank, that's going to feel really good. Three things that I don't particularly care for, it seems like it would be really easy for the person receiving that to, if nothing else, just kind of feel bad about it, but maybe even to go into a shame spiral, or it could be really bad. So what do you recommend people do to help create a safe container for offering more negative feedback? Jonathan Robinson: I have a lot of suggestions for that in the More Love, Less Conflict book. One example is always end on a positive note, either something you appreciate or something that you like. But sometimes what's necessary is just a time out, like if you're going to give some kind of feedback that's negative that the other person can't respond for, say, 12 hours, because a lot of times we have an immediate reaction and then after five minutes we realize, well, that's actually useful feedback, or it's no big deal. So creating that safe container can be either ending with something positive or creating a time period where neither person can react to it. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and during that time period, what do you suggest people do to take care of themselves if they need that? Jonathan Robinson: I actually do make several suggestions, and I have a list from watching funny YouTube videos to calling a friend to going to the gym. But I find that if couples are feeling connected and they feel respected and appreciated, and they're doing all those other things when you get a little bit of "negative feedback," it doesn't overwhelm them. What happens normally is that people aren't getting any positive stuff, so when they get another piece of negative feedback it can overwhelm them, and then you get into problems. So as long as you have love in your emotional bank account, so to speak, a little bit of feedback that tells you how you can do something better usually is not that big of a deal. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so important to probably to put your focus on some of the things we were talking about a moment ago, like offering the appreciations, and all the ways that you really do appreciate or resonate with your partner the things that you love about them, or the things that you see in them, so that when it comes time to offer something a little bit more discerning, let's say, [chuckle] it can soften the blow a little bit. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and there's other ways, too, for example, sometimes I have couples give what could be called negative feedback in a written form, while ending with a positive thing, and it can be easier to just read it and take some time on your own rather than have that person right there, which might be more triggering. So there's a lot of different ways to create a safe container, and people's job is to find what works for them because different things can work for different couples. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking, too, you offer an anecdote in the book More Love, Less Conflict during the exercise about withholding and couples being able to give a voice to the things that they've been holding back from each other. And that's something that could be really edgy or scary depending on what's being withheld, but even there you talk about wanting people to end on a positive note, something maybe really good or a deep desire that they've been withholding. And you mention this one couple that talks about how in trouble their marriage is, and how one is feeling hopeless, and the other has been flirting with someone at the office, and these are coming out in the withholdings, but then they end with these statements about really wanting to feel connected with each other and how much it feels like that shifts the dynamic for them, even though they have also offered some incredibly vulnerable and hard truths to each other. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, you know, one moment of vulnerability or appreciation seems to be able to overshadow even years of negativity. Now, I've had couples who come into my office, they've been arguing and screaming each other for decades. And sometimes I'll have them do a couple of positive things, like saying what they appreciate or being vulnerable through certain sentence stems, and 10 minutes later they're holding hands and loving. And I find that is like a miracle because they've had years of negativity and yet their hearts really want to have that connection, they just haven't had the simple, reliable way of doing that. But once they do have that way, the bonding can happen very, very quickly, and I think that's a real testament to the human heart and spirit. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, the light it shines is much brighter than the darkness we can find ourselves in at times. And just to be clear for you listening, the withholding sentence stem, I just happened to have it in front of me right here: There's something I've been withholding, would you like to hear it? So again, important that your partner actually know that they're about to receive something. And then this is one of those cases where you mentioned, Jonathan, that it's helpful to create a container that says we're not even... We're not going to talk about this for 24 hours, and what is being offered is held sacred in some way, which is a great spin on it because I think so often when something is revealed that's been withheld, it can, just in and of itself, no matter what the content is, feel like a betrayal of some sort. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah. And that's probably the edgiest exercise in the book, and it's not something that one starts with, you kind of build to that, because if you're going to deal with difficult stuff, it's good to have some love in your emotional bank account because those types of things are like a withdrawal, and you don't want to withdraw into bankruptcy, so I encourage people to have some connection, and when you have to deal with the hard stuff, then you'll be able to weather that storm, because you already have a bunch of connection banked, so to speak. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and that, for some reason, is making me think of two other things that you mentioned in the book, one being the higher self-exercise. And I think I like that because we so often want to be able to give advice to our partners, or fix their problems, or tell them how they should be that will make our lives easier, and the higher self is a bridge into that in a way that's actually really connecting. Jonathan Robinson: That's a fun game. Neil Sattin: Yeah, could you talk about how that one's done? Jonathan Robinson: Well, you do want to sometimes give your partner advice, and sometimes they see you, they know you better than you know you sometimes. So something my wife and I might do is I'll say, "Do you want to play the higher self-game," and she'll say, "Okay," and we take turns kind of being each other's guru, so I might say, "Well, I'm married to this woman who gets self-righteous really quickly. Dear guru what would you suggest I do when she gets really reactive and self-righteous quickly?" [chuckle] Jonathan Robinson: And then she has to answer as like a relationship guru. Well, it sounds like you might want to try this, this, and this, and it's kind of fun because rather than going back and forth and trying to prove that we're right, or you should do this, it's kind of like a game and it sets it up in a fun way where I can hear what she has to say. And a lot of times her advice to me about her has been right on because she knows what I'm doing that might make it better for her. And it's just kind of a fun way of being with each other where you can temporarily go into the role of advice-giver or a teacher without all the normal ramifications of that. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and you mentioned an important aspect of that often being that the advice giver, guru, person sit with their eyes closed or blindfolded. Jonathan Robinson: Yes, because that changes the normal mechanical way that you might be with each other. When you close your eyes and you're trying to give advice, it tends to help you to go deeper within and it also shuts you off from whether your partner is reacting to your advice. You get to really tune into, "What do I have to say to this question?" And that way it can be more pure and more truthful rather than a mechanical reaction to maybe how you think they're going to take it. Neil Sattin: Got it. Jonathan Robinson: I must say, Neil, I think you know this book better than I do at this point. I'm very depressed. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Well, it's fresh in my mind, so that's helpful, but don't worry, there will be no test. Nothing more than what we're already doing, I guess. Jonathan Robinson: Okay. Neil Sattin: It seems important to clarify, too, that if you're not doing that one as a structured exercise, one thing I noticed was that the simple practice isn't an offer to give your partner advice, it's asking them for advice. Can I get your best advice about something? So if you were going to sort of surreptitiously engage their higher self that's how you come at it when you're doing it more renegade style? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and people love that question, "Gee, honey, can I get your best advice about this?" And that's usually that asking for help in that vulnerable way usually leads to a lot more intimacy. Neil Sattin: When it comes to knowing your partner better, we touched on this earlier when we were talking about the desires and wondering whether or not we actually know what our partner's deepest desires are and that's something I appreciate about that list of 50, I'm sure there are more than that, right? But 50 is a pretty good start and it helps you I think access the nuances of how these desires are slightly different than each other And I think it's also important, I loved your exercise on the perfect partner, and how we can share information with each other in a safe way about what we wish we were experiencing from the other person as a way to help them. It's like I'm helping you help me. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, it's kind of like painting a picture. Sometimes the best way to learn is through an example, and somebody can tell you what Yosemite looks like but one picture of Yosemite and the game's over. You don't need to say anything more. And the same thing with what we want. So, writing out what my perfect partner would do, or what my perfect partner would say helps me to get example of what my wife is really wanting because I always thought that she wanted me to fix her problems and then she wrote out, "Well, my perfect partner would say this, this and this," and she never mentioned fixing her problems, she really wanted somebody who was incredibly empathetic. And when I really understood that she's not wanting my advice, she's wanting my empathy, my understanding, it helped me to change how I was with her, and now she has said, "Wow, you're really good at being my perfect partner now." And of course, that leads to more love. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I did an episode a while ago on writing the user manual for you for your partner. This is kind of my guide to me and how that can be such a sweet offering to your partner. I'm wondering what your thoughts are on how to do that in a way that doesn't come across as a criticism. Jonathan Robinson: Well, one sentence stem that can be a very simple way of doing it is to say something like three things that tend to trigger me are, so you're talking about you rather than your partner or three things that almost always lead me to feel more loving are... Because a lot of times we'll say that that person really pushes our buttons. Well, it's good to tell your partner what your buttons are. So that they know to avoid them, but we not only have upset buttons, we have love buttons. If my wife gives me a shoulder massage, I love her. A Gorilla could give me a shoulder massage, I'd love that gorilla that's just how I'm wired. Whereas, if I speak to my wife in a certain tone of voice, that she finds very loving, that is her love button. So just knowing what really triggers your partner towards upset or towards love in a very simple way is very valuable information. A lot of couples really don't know that information. Neil Sattin: That just feels like how helpful would that be in general if we just knew that about each other. I've heard Dan Sullivan, who has, he leads this company called Strategic Coach, he talks about that in the context of the work environment and giving the people who work with you like, "This is the recipe. If you want to piss me off, these are the things you can do," and basically listing all the kind of triggers that he has and if nothing else, once you know what triggers your partner, you gotta think twice before doing it or after you do it, maybe you'll think again like "Oh, I just did that thing that I know triggers them." Jonathan Robinson: Right, right. One thing that people often ask me about attitudes towards their partner, and if you can have an attitude of gratitude in your heart for your partner, I find that that makes love flow much more easily. Neil Sattin: Oh my goddess, I love that anecdote that you talked... Did you actually go to India for that, is that story true that happened? Jonathan Robinson: That story is true. I went to see another guru as well while I was there but... So the story is that this friend comes back from India and he says his guru gave him a magical mantra to help him to feel more grateful for both his life and his wife. And I'm always interested in very simple methods. So I said, "Well, what's the mantra?" He said, "Well, you'll have to go to India to get it." and I go "damn but India is a hard place to get to, it's 18,000 miles away" but I make a trip, because I wanted to visit this guru and another guru. So I get there and I have to wait in line five hours to talk to the guru for a minute, but I do that, I'm kinda pissed off because I didn't get this mantra from my friend. I told the guru I wanted this magical mantra for feeling more grateful towards my wife and such, and he says, in an Indian accent, "Ah, yes, my mantra is the most powerful mantra on earth." He leans into my ear to whisper it to me and he says, "Whenever possible, repeat the following words. The mantra I give you are the words thank you." While I look at him, I think he's joking with me and then, but he's not smiling, so I go, "Thank you, that's it? I traveled 18,000 miles to get 'thank you', that's it?" So he looks at me, he says, "No, no, no, 'that's it' is the mantra you have been using and that makes you feel like you never have enough, my mantra is 'thank you,' not 'that's it,' 'that's it' will take you nowhere." [laughter] Jonathan Robinson: So I'm totally pissed off at this point. And so I look at him, I kind of sneered him, I say, "Well then, thank you." And then he sneers at me, he says, "Thank you is not the mantra, you must say it from your heart many times a day, so when you wake up and you see your wife, say thank you from your heart and when you eat breakfast together, and you're enjoying talking, say Thank you from your heart, and when you see your child, say thank you from your heart and soon you will be filled with gratitude." Well, because I traveled so far, I actually did this and I found that to my amazement, it actually worked just taking a second, connecting with my heart and thinking and feeling thank you. My wife literally knows the days that I'm doing that without me saying anything. She says, "Your energy changes and I just feel so much more connected to you." Gratitude is like a secret back door that allows love in. And it's one more method that just seems to work that once you have that technology, it's almost like a superpower. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Yeah, I have a good friend who was going through a really stressful time in his life and came through it and when I was speaking to him about it, I asked, "What did you rely on when you were going through all that stress?" And the number one thing he said was, "I developed a gratitude practice and every morning when I woke up, I just spend five minutes basically in silent prayer thinking about all the things that I'm grateful for in my life, and that in and of itself pretty much turned things around for me." So it's so powerful. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, and the other thing I like which I think is so underrated is the power of good questions. On my website, I have what's called the 12 questions of instant intimacy that people can download for free. And if you ask the right question even if you're with a partner who doesn't want to do any communication, doesn't want to do any counseling, if you ask the right question, it opens up a magical door to intimacy. And I found that these 12 questions pretty much work with everyone. They work with your lover, your child, your co-worker, they're like secret weapons, so to speak, in the battle to have more love and less conflict. So I really like asking good questions, like an example might be, "What's been the highlight of your week or what gives you your greatest sense of joy in your life right now?" More people like talking about that, it makes them feel good. Or you ask, "What's one of the most amazing things you've ever experienced in your life? And people love these questions, but we don't ask them. And in this day and age, there's a lot of business, there's a lot of superficiality, but people really want deep connection and these types of questions help to open the door to depth and intimacy very, very quickly. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, I like one of the ones that you offer and you also have a separate exercise, that's kind of similar to this question, but it's what's something that you really want me to know about you? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah. Because if you can get people to feel they understand each other that is a real key. I never had couples come into my office and say, "Jonathan, we really understand each other quite well, that's why we want a divorce." [chuckle] Jonathan Robinson: But I do get the opposite, "We don't know, he doesn't understand me, I don't understand her," that can lead to trouble. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Well, in case you didn't get it when Jonathan just mentioned it, the full list of the 12 questions that lead to deeper intimacy is available on his website for this work, and that website is morelovelessconflict.com. And if you go to that site, right on the front page there, you'll be able to download the 12 questions for deeper intimacy and we'll have a link to that as well as anything else that feels relevant especially a link to Jonathan's book on Amazon, on the show notes page for this episode, so you can visit, again, Neilsattin.com/morelove, all squished together as one word. To see the show notes, download a transcript, you'll also get, as a bonus for downloading the transcript, the 50 universal desires worksheet, and then on top of that, we'll point you in the right direction to access more of Jonathan Robinson's work, which is I just love it, it's so imminently practical and useful, really usable. So I hope that you're able to practice some of the sentence stems that you've heard today and then put them to use in your life. Neil Sattin: So Jonathan before we go, I'm wondering, I'm trying to think now through because there are so many... And we've covered so many in this conversation together, and there are so many more in your book. So it really is, I feel like someone could get the book and kind of open to any page and be like, "Oh yeah, I'm going to try that tonight." It has that kind of flavor to it. So I'm wondering if you can talk about the process of when you actually do want something to change in your relationship, what have you found as a good way to help couples navigate? Like well, this really, this isn't okay the way it is right now, and I really want this one particular thing to shift if we could make that happen. Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, that's a really big area. And of course, I talked about that a lot in the book. I think if you have the right ingredients then you can make it happen, if you don't, blame never works. You don't shame people into changing but if couples really are feeling close to each other and they make a request for something very specific, and then say, "How can I support you or what can I do to change something that bothers you, so we both are working on something that will benefit the relationship." That has a much better chance of success than the blame, complain, shame, method of changing which basically never works. So having good communication, saying something very precise, very specific, being willing to change something about yourself at the same time that your partner wants, that can be a really good method for couples actually making the difficult effort it requires to change something about yourself. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, and I love that, too, because in there, I feel like there's also an acknowledgment of how often we actually do know what would be meaningful for our partners, we may not know exactly what their deepest desires are, and that's why I think those conversations are helpful, but just like you could say, and you mentioned this in the book, if you ask someone, "Would you know how to piss off your partner?" They could do it, they could probably list 10 ways to do that. If you get right down deep into what you know about your partner, you probably also know something that would really light them up or make them feel super special, or loved, and I think it's great to offer those kinds of things. I mean, why not, right? If you can make someone's day, why wouldn't you? Jonathan Robinson: Yeah, yeah, and the other thing is, I think a lot of partners have to be focused on what feeds their soul, what feeds their sense of peace because when you feel peaceful and loving on your own, you probably make a better partner. I do a podcast called Awareness Explorers in which I interview spiritual teachers and I mentioned before like Dalai Lama, Adyashanti. Yeah, various people. And I'm always asking them, "What are your suggestions for going back to a place of peace?" Because I think the two most important things in life are peace and love and there's other ways to get them. You could have world peace, but what's the chance of that going to happen? That's not going to happen. So, how can you find inner peace? Now, with love, if you're lucky, you find a partner and you learn how to communicate that leads to a lot more love in your life, but there's also an inner way to love, loving yourself, having a connection with a higher power. But our mission in life should we decide to accept it is to find different paths to greater peace and love because when we're in touch with those things, we're at our best and we make a better partner, and we're better and more effective in the world, as well. Neil Sattin: Totally agree, totally agree. Although I'm struck by your cynicism about world peace, I think it's possible, maybe sometime in... Jonathan Robinson: Okay, maybe. Neil Sattin: Our children's lifetimes, our children's children. I'm holding out the hope for that. One thing that I'm wondering before we go is whether... So many couples... This is so ironic, I think they come into... They're in that moment of struggle and often really not knowing if they should stay in the relationship that they're in, especially when they're in the midst of big conflict. And then it can get confusing, right? Because if you have some technology that actually helps you get along and connect, well then it can feel like, "Well, do I want to leave this person or don't I?" And I'm wondering if you have... And I recognize this could be a whole another hour's conversation so I'm not entirely being fair to you and just asking for your quick take on this, but is there a place that you go that helps a couple be resourceful or maybe an individual who's contemplating that? Should I stay or should I go question, that makes that practical for them like a sense of like, well, even if you can get along, maybe if this is happening, you're not right together, or maybe this is the kind of thing you don't want to tolerate. Yeah, how do people make that call for themselves? Jonathan Robinson: Actually, I think that's really simple. What I find is when couples fully communicate honestly and vulnerably, one of two things will happen, they will either very quickly get back to a place of deep love and connection in which case, of course, they want to stay together or if they're very honest and communicating without blame and letting out all the things that they've been withholding, they may get to a place where they realize they want totally different things, and then they would naturally want to separate because we're not going after the same things in life anymore. But the key is really good communication. It will create the clarity that often is not there when couples are not so honest or so clear and vulnerable in their communication. Neil Sattin: Yeah, that makes perfect sense. And I think it's important to qualify that, just because you want two completely different things or 10 completely different things that doesn't necessarily mean you’re doomed, but if you're communicating clearly about it, then you get the opportunity to discover if you can navigate each other's vastly different desires and that feels good or generative or does it feel like there's just no way, in which case you're dealing with a deal-breaker. Jonathan Robinson: Right, right, and you're right, that you can want different things and still have a happy marriage. It's just a matter of whether you're able to navigate those things in a way that is agreeable to both people. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, it makes total sense. Well, Jonathan, it's been such a pleasure to talk to you today, and I'm glad we finally made it work with all those scheduling issues that were totally on me. Just so if you're listening, you're like, "What's up with Jonathan and his scheduling?" No, it was me. And so again, I appreciate your patience with that. And it was well worth the wait, so sweet to talk with you. Jonathan's book, More Love Less Conflict, a communication playbook for couples is available from a bookseller near you or online, and you can visit Jonathan's website Morelovelessconflict.com or you can check out his podcast that he just mentioned, Awareness Explorers, which is fascinating conversations with pioneers on the edge of consciousness. And Jonathan, is there anything else you'd like to add about ways people can find out about your work? I know you have a totally different body of work that you do, as well, and so, there's anything you'd like to add right now, this would be a great time. Jonathan Robinson: Just that people should download those questions at Morelovelessconflict.com and keep exploring stuff. I'm not naturally good at this stuff, which allows me to get good at teaching it, because by finding methods that worked for my wife and I really made a huge difference. I also want to say Neil, you're a great interviewer, I see why your podcast is so popular. It's really fun to go into some depth about some of these issues and hopefully help some people. Neil Sattin: Well, thank you so much for saying that. I appreciate it. Jonathan Robinson: You deserve it. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Okay.  

In the early days of the Moonies, members all lived together in centers across the country and world. But when the second generation were born many families decided to move out and try something new: being totally separate from and yet a part of society. That’s what the second generation had to juggle, all the time and every day. Hideo and Teruko talk about the struggle to understand identity and belonging as the second generation.     TRANSCRIPT News Announcer [00:00:01] A decade ago, the Reverend Sun Myung Moon was accused of controlling the minds of young people creating so-called Moonies. News Announcer [00:00:08] So called Moonies, followers of the Reverend Sun Myung Moon head of the Unification Church who became well-known in the early 80s for his mass wedding ceremonies. Interpreter [00:00:16] Do you pledge to establish an eternal family with which God can be happy. Crowd [00:00:24] Yes! Interpreter [00:00:25] We are talking about absolute fidelity here. If anybody deviates from this God-given principle they are bound to hell. News Announcer [00:00:35] But the church has a different plan for the second generation. 2nd Gen [00:00:38] I felt like we weren't equipped for the world. You know we aren't just like this bubble. 2nd Gen [00:00:43] To me it sounds culty. I know it's what brought our parents to church but it's not what keeps me in the church. 2nd Gen [00:00:48] Even if I'm not doing everything that they want me to do, or I don't believe everything that they believe we still have this like line that connects us. Hideo Higashibaba [00:01:10] My name is Hideo Higashibaba. For the first 22 years of my life I was a member of a cult called the Unification Church. You might know them as the Moonies. I was born into the Unification Church and so were thousands of other people all over the world. This is Growing Up Moonie, stories from people who grew up in the church like me. People who joined the church as adults are called first generation and people born into the cult like me are called second generation blessed children or BCs. When first generation joined most of them gave up their worldly possessions and moved into church centers all over the country. My family lived in one of those centers in Boston. Every day the adults would go out fundraising or evangelizing and left their kids with a couple of other missionaries in a makeshift nursery. When I was born I was too small to be in the nursery so I spent the first year of my life with my mom at her meetings or the lectures she did on the church's teachings. When I was 2, my family moved out of the center and joined the hundreds of other Moonie families trying something new; being totally separate from and yet a part of society. That's what the second generation had to juggle all the time and every day. The next person I spoke with for this project was Teruko who was friends with my older sister Yojin when we were kids. Hideo Higashibaba [00:02:48] I'm really happy to connect with you I feel like we spent a lot of time to get always you in Yojin spent a lot of time ago those kids and I kind of idolized you. And then when you moved away it's sort of like I don't know and everything felt like it changed. Teruko [00:03:01] Yeah I mean I am the center of a lot of people's lives. Hideo Higashibaba [00:03:04] Pretty, pretty humble and modest I can see as well. Hideo Higashibaba [00:03:11] Teruko's family lived in Gloucester near a lot of other Moonie families. She went to school with a lot of other BCs and saw them every week at church. I always felt like an outsider, even at church. But I remember Teruko was in the thick of things, playing with the other kids, tearing around morning garden with Yojin and getting into trouble for running off into the woods. When she was in middle school Teruko's family moved to Omaha. She says the church community out in Nebraska was a lot more spread out and isolating. Teruko [00:03:45] There is actually a girl in middle school who told me that her grandma was a deprogrammer and I was really scared. I legitimately thought someone was going to come after me to take me away a or or whatever like all those horror stories you hear as a kid. Hideo Higashibaba [00:04:00] All Moonie kids grew up with stories of people who were kidnapped and deprogrammed or forced to denounce the leader Sun Myung Moon and the church. One woman I knew would testify to her faith by telling the story of how she was kidnapped by her family and locked in a room for days. Hideo Higashibaba [00:04:20] They told her she couldn't leave until she rejected the church and its teachings. Eventually, she got them to bring her something to drink. It was in a glass bottle so she broke it and cut herself with the glass. They took her to the hospital and she escaped back to the church. Because of stories like that, a lot of second gen me included, tried to keep our religion a secret for as long as we could. But with that girl threatening Teruko with her grandmother, Teruko didn't want to hide anymore. Teruko [00:04:52] Yeah that was kind of a turning point I think for me too. I don't know, I felt like I was kind of hiding everything for a long time and then she, when she told me that she said it kind of like, 'oh found out your secret.' And I was like 'oh crap.' And then I was like 'You know I shouldn't hide anything anymore because that's how bad things happen to people.' So, I actually was pretty outspoken, which is sort of an opposite reaction to most people. Hideo Higashibaba [00:05:20] Being separate and disliked by the general public was like a badge of honor. The leader Moon said we should be proud of our persecution. It made us worthy of our blessings. But for kids trying to go to school with other well-liked and normal children, that's a hard sell. I felt so guilty for hiding my faith. I desperately wanted to feel included and normal but that's hard to do would you also believe that you don't have Original Sin. Before that girl threatened to out her, Teruko did her best to hide her religion from other people. Teruko [00:05:58] I think it did make me feel kind of bad, like you're lying most of the time but you're not sure who you're lying to and I always felt weird about two parts of my life crossing over. Hideo Higashibaba [00:06:11] Why was it so anxiety inducing do you think? Teruko [00:06:17] Probably because, I would say one strong thing that I remember from Sunday school or camp or workshops or whatever, it was learning that second gen really special and were born without any Original Sin and all that stuff that we learned. And so other kids are not at the same level so you're different than them and I don't know, I guess I felt kind of like I had to be two people, like I had to be someone who was quote unquote "normal" or not the church around my school friends because they wouldn't understand because they weren't the same as me and then at church I couldn't be that person that I was at school because I had to create that separate personality. Teruko [00:07:11] One really scary thing, I think maybe one thing that helped me smash those two lives together was I took psychology in high school and we did a whole section on cults and I chose the church as my final project. Hideo Higashibaba [00:07:28] Wow. Dang. Dang girl, that is bold. That is very bold. Teruko [00:07:32] I was like, you know I'm terrified but I'm going to take it head on because otherwise I'll just be scared forever. Yeah, so I started my presentation off like very by the book and and then my big reveal was like five minutes before the end of my 30 minute presentation. I was like, Oh by the way I'm in this church. And people physically backed their desks up. And I got an A plus because I think my teacher was afraid to fail me. It was a good presentation, I like I wrote a good paper. But yeah, people looked at me differently after that, but all in all I don't think anything changed. And that's when I realized that it really wasn't that big a deal. Hideo Higashibaba [00:08:11] After high school Teruko got matched to a guy from England through picture matching where two families send pictures of their kids back and forth to potentially marry them off. They were blessed in Korea but Teruko ended up breaking it off. Soon after, Teruko decided to do this church program called STF, which a lot of second gen did after high school...other than get married. STF stands for Special Task Force. It's a program for college age blessed children that mimics what a lot of first gen did when they were full time missionaries. On STF, they do a lot of what's called witnessing, recruiting people to workshops or lectures on the church's teachings. They also do volunteer projects and give talks in schools about the importance of abstinence. All this was supported through fundraising which they did by traveling around in vans selling trinkets or candy on the street. Teruko [00:09:12] It was kind of like a Jesus Camp situation where I started questioning whether another really wanted to be in the church and then I thought, you know what, I should just dive in head first because that's the right thing to do and I will join STF and I will do pitch picture matching and that will fix me. It did not work like that. That's not how things actually work, I found out. But it was a really good experience, I got to travel Europe for six months. I met a lot of cool people and I think it came out better. Hideo Higashibaba [00:09:46] I mean it sounds a little bit traumatic. Teruko [00:09:49] That was very traumatic. But I have to do everything really extreme, I can't do anything the safe way. Not that I am a risk taker I'm just not strategic. Hideo Higashibaba [00:10:05] What was what was what was traumatic about it. Teruko [00:10:08] Well I was shunned for a good portion by everyone from, all the brothers, all the guys from England because I broke the...well I was actually blessed which in the church is getting married but it's not legal you start to go get like the paper signed. So I actually got Blessed somebody from England. And it didn't work out for just a couple of reasons. I was not ready and that was not fair to the other family because I thought I could go and get blessed and that kind of fix me, stop me from questioning, kind of center me or whatever have you. Because I feel like that's kind of what you grow up believing is that you just work really hard so you can be a perfect person so that you can get married and then have a family and you know white picket fence, yada yada yada. And I just kind of thought my life not going that direction so I thought I'd force it to which is like trying to put a circle block into a square hole. Hideo Higashibaba [00:11:12] That feeling of trying to put a circle block into a square hole is how I felt my whole life. What I was told to believe never really added up to what I actually experienced. I think that's the only way a cult can function; to get people to ignore their own experiences. If there was doubt it was a sign of a lack of faith. The solution was to pray about it until you understood. Hideo Higashibaba [00:11:47] One of my favorite songs used to be Bye and Bye. It's a Christian hymn. It goes, "We'll tell the story how we overcome and we'll understand it better bye and bye.". Hideo Higashibaba [00:12:05] "The story how we overcome," like how we overcame our sins and struggles. And will understand all our struggles, bye and bye. Like, eventually. For most of my life I thought that bye and bye could be in 10 years. But it also could be in 50 or maybe not even until I was dead and in the spirit world. My job was to wait and pray and believe, not ask questions. And that wasn't weird to me at least not until four years ago. That's the only way a cult can work; disconnecting people from how they feel and telling them to feel something else has to be normal. But talking with Teruko, it doesn't seem that dramatic. Juggling her life in and outside the church seems to have come pretty naturally. Once she decided to be open about her faith, it seemed like things got easier for her. She had a strong sense of self and she could build relationships and create a life on her own. Something I've been curious about while working on this project is how people growing up in the church experienced and developed their ideas of romantic love which Moonies seem to be really suspicious and scared of yet obsessed with at the same time. Teruko [00:13:25] My parents never really were affectionate and not because they were...I remember them fighting a lot of kids but I just remember never being afraid of that like I was just normal to me. My mom said like, my dad would just get mad, like, they'd arguing about something really stupid. About like, who was going to mow the lawn, you know, something pretty normal. My dad would just be like, "ugh" and go for a three hour drive just around and then he'd come back. So I remember never being afraid like, they're not going to get a divorce, that's not allowed in the church. So it just seemed super normal to me that they'd always fight. And it wasn't until I was an adult that I was like, oh normal people don't do that. Hideo Higashibaba [00:14:18] Teruko went through the blessing process even though she wasn't sure she was ready. None of us expected to feel totally ready any anyway. We were told that being attracted to your spouse when you first met was silly and superficial. Teruko [00:14:33] They're like you you won't be 100 percent ready. You might not even love this person for like seven years. Hideo Higashibaba [00:14:38] Or ten or a hundred. Teruko [00:14:40] Yeah and now hearing that I'm like, that's crazy. I mean I understand that you shouldn't marry someone because like your band is the favorite band with the other person. That stuff changes. That would be stupid to base your relationship off of but at the same time should not be marrying someone who is so different. Even if you think it's all these stupid little things, like, you'll never enjoy things together and you will wear and tear on you. Hideo Higashibaba [00:15:11] It's just like not a fun time. I think there's like this emphasis on the more cross-cultural the arranged marriage is and the more different and the more disparate than like the better. And it just doesn't seem like you're setting people up for success in a marriage. Teruko [00:15:27] Well. So I mentioned before that I actually went to a blessing. Got the dress the whole nine yards, right. And when we got there, I was just like, oh my gosh. I don't want to do this. But it was kind of that like, everyone's watching, you need to make this work. It's going to be difficult. And you just kind of accept that which is weird. Hideo Higashibaba [00:15:53] Teruko is married now but not to a church member. She met her now husband Johnny in college after STF when she was still living at home. She did not tell her parents she was seeing someone but her mom figured it out. Teruko [00:16:08] It started off the first encounter of Johnny and my mom. She was looking at my cell phone bill and she was like you're texting the phone number a lot. Who is this. And she called him, like she got his number from the cell phone bill and called him. Oh yeah yeah. Are you like cringing right now? Hideo Higashibaba [00:16:27] Yes my hand is fully on my face. Just full palm. Teruko [00:16:32] Called him and then met him at a coffee shop and she was basically like, I know you think that you're going to be in this relationship with Teruko and you might think you really love her but in our religion you're Satan and you're going to pull her away and... Hideo Higashibaba [00:16:51] Oh my God! Teruko [00:16:51] And later he was like, your mom called me Satan. I just want you to know that. Uhh. Hideo Higashibaba [00:17:04] Oh no! Teruko [00:17:04] Oh yeah. She was like, you're in the position of the archangel and Adam and Eve and blah blah blah and this whole biblical thing and went into a whole thing. I don't even know how long they were there, because I didn't know she was meeting him. Hideo Higashibaba [00:17:19] Oh my god, I'm crying! Teruko [00:17:19] And he stuck around! Hideo Higashibaba [00:17:19] He loves you so much Teruko. Either that or you're like amazing in bed. Either way I mean, that's amazing. Teruko [00:17:27] I am just a great person in general. Hideo Higashibaba [00:17:30] I mean I'm totally totally willing to believe that. That is bananas, what you just described. Teruko [00:17:37] Yeah. But he was very serious. I mean, when I first met him I was kind of like you know doing my own thing I think I was like 22 maybe. And so like I can drink now. My parents aren't in charge of me but I still live at home so I have to sneak in at night. It's really weird and yeah I don't know, I think he was like hey...I don't even remember how he asked me if I wanted to like, 'go steady' but like he asked me out and I was just like, well I'm not going to just date someone. Either we get married or nothing. Hideo Higashibaba [00:18:17] Wow. Did you say that to him? Teruko [00:18:19] Oh yeah. He was like, Oh OK. Sure. Hideo Higashibaba [00:18:27] And it was just like that, just like that simple and easy? Teruko [00:18:30] I mean then we dated for a year and got engaged and got married. Well, got Blessed and then married. Yeah, but now my mom's like, totally changed her tune. "We love Johnny so much!"   Hideo Higashibaba [00:18:38] No longer Satan. Teruko [00:18:38] He's amazing, so great. And I'm like, you guys didn't like him at the beginning, she's like, I don't remember that. Hideo Higashibaba [00:18:48] Oh really. You don't remember calling your future son-in-law Satan. Hideo Higashibaba [00:18:54] Teruko and Johnny were blessed in a mass wedding like good second gen are. They did the special pre-blessing workbooks and workshops you're supposed to do before the blessing. Johnny even did a year-long study of the church's teachings with Teruko's mom which must have been really intense. Hideo Higashibaba [00:19:14] But all that is totally different from what we were told was OK when we were kids. Second gen were prepped to marry someone in the church our whole lives. It was kind of the whole point for people without Original Sin to marry other people without Original Sin. And when you marry someone outside the church you kind of ruin that. When my sister Anshin started dating a non-Moonie I felt like my family was getting ripped apart. Anshin was constantly fighting with my parents. Her boyfriend would goad me into fights with him. It felt like there was an intruder in our house. It got better once they got married and all was forgiven by the time they had their first child, at least for my mom. I don't think my dad has ever totally forgiven Anshin but eventually my parents adjusted to this new reality like Teruko's parents. Hideo Higashibaba [00:20:12] I also want to point out that Teruko and Johnny, and my sister and her husband, are cisgender straight people. They dated for a year and got married. Teruko didn't even date other people before. All that probably made it a lot easier for her parents to accept Johnny and for Teruko to keep the friends and community she has in the church. Hideo Higashibaba [00:20:35] The inside world of the church and the outside secular world blended more and more as second gen got older. Some even stopped believing what the church taught. But for most second gen, their friends were in the church and it was a huge part of their identity. That community was the extension of their family. It's not something you can just walk away from. Hideo Higashibaba [00:20:59] You said that when you met Johnny you were still living at home, but you were pretty disillusioned with the church and kind of stepping away from it and then... Teruko [00:21:12] Yeah, I still went on Sunday so my parents wouldn't... It was easier for me to spend an hour at church than to get scolded for several days. So I was that thing where you show up and then leave. Eat and then leave. But yeah, I think I was pretty done at that point with everything, but I mean like I said before the community is my favorite part and there are some great people who are you know just the nicest people you ever meet. If I don't want to lose that and I kind of felt like if I left the church I would lose that. And that kind of kept me around. Hideo Higashibaba [00:21:52] Teruko married someone outside the church and doesn't believe what her parents believe, but she still gets to have a relationship with them. And for me it's hard to hear that Teruko gets to be herself and keep her family because the closer I get to being myself, embracing and loving my queerness and being transgender and living my own life, the further away my family feels from me. The less I feel like we will ever reconcile. Teruko broke all the church's rules. But two cisgender straight people getting married is not that weird to the rest of the world. And I think it made it easier for her family to accept her. Second gen don't remember a time before the church, before we believed all the things we were taught to believe, before Moon was the messiah. Even as Teruko and other second gen grew up and learned new things or developed their own opinions the church's teachings ran deep. Hideo Higashibaba [00:22:56] So you said that you were pretty disillusioned you were pretty done but then when Johnny was like, Hey do you want to go out with me you were like, well if you want to go out with me you also have to marry me, which is seems to me like a pretty... Teruko [00:23:07] It's a pretty church thing to say like, no dating. I think it's just like, I definitely held a lot of a lot of the beliefs, I still hold them. There are good things. I think that it's that organized religion portion that bothers me like seeing my parents donate hundreds and hundreds of dollars that they didn't have to build some kind of crazy building in the homeland in Korea which like, Cheon Pyung which is, I don't know if it's like town, I'm not sure, it's a lot of land in the mountain where like headquarters is. It's beautiful there. It's amazing. I'm sure if you live there. But I mean and then that's all built on donations would have kind of like a forced donation it wasn't really like the normal 10 percent or whatever. Several hundred dollars that you would donate at a time. I just remember being like, No thanks. I don't think if you really believe in a God who is not a physical I don't know, like king sitting on a throne, does he care if your church has a huge million dollar stained glass window in it? I also think that other religions having their brick and mortar buildings be so elaborate is ridiculous. But that's just me. Hideo Higashibaba [00:24:31] Well it just feels personal with this one. Do you remember that campaign they did where it was like liberating your ancestors. And if you could give like a lower amount than it would be fewer ancestors but if you did a higher amount it would be more ancestors liberated and since like... Teruko [00:24:46] Someone from Omaha liberated like thirty generations on both side or whatever like whatever that amount is. I have no idea. Hideo Higashibaba [00:24:56] Like the highest one was like 500. But then you had to pay like a thousand dollars. And it felt weird to me at a time but I was a kid and I was actually like very strictly taught to not question any adult let alone my parents. But looking back now, I get like, physically angry because like that was the same year my mom couldn't afford to buy me shoes for like school and my aunt had to step in. Teruko [00:25:22] It was, you know, I think though that like people in any religion or for any cause that they believe in do this kind of thing. I mean like, I'm addicted to those hoarder shows, like animal hoarders, and there are people who start off with really good intentions where they're like, Oh no these dog needs help I'll adopted it. There's always gonna be another thing. And then you just can't catch up at some point. Hideo Higashibaba [00:25:54] The church has also adapted to the times. Teruko's husband Johnny is not a second gen but now he's blessed. That is totally different from the plan we were told as children. But if every second gen who dated or married someone outside the church was thrown out, the church would have failed years ago. So now second gen can be blessed to non-Moonie Original Sin having people. My life totally fell apart as I tried to make sense of my childhood and I am still struggling to understand it. But Teruko she's found a kind of peace with her childhood, as strange as it was. Teruko [00:26:40] Definitely the church has had a big impact on who I am and the direction my life has taken. And sometimes there were downs but followed by huge ups language is common for anybody in any religion or in any part of the world which makes me feel better. Which is very different from when I was a kid and I felt very different. But probably with a smaller world view you see the differences a little bit clearer. Seeing more people and how many different kinds of people, different upbringing just makes me realize that kind of depressingly I'm a drop in the bucket. But it's no good to know that I'm not a sore thumb sticking out too. Hideo Higashibaba [00:27:44] Next time on Growing Up Moonie... First Gen [00:27:47] Controversy is something you expect when you're a Unification Church member. A Moonie as we're lovingly known. We've grown up with controversy. Hideo Higashibaba [00:27:56] That's next time on Growing Up Moonie. This episode of Growing Up Moonie was written by me, edited and produced by Quinn Myers with music by Podington Bear. If you want to help other people find these stories please leave us a rating or a review to help them find this podcast. Go to growingupmoonie.com for more. I am Hideo Higashibaba. Thanks for listening.  

Here's something different for you this week. Something I've thought about doing for a while now. It's a privilege for me to have guests of No Sleep 'til Sudbury play their music on the show, and there have been some really special musical performances across the 90+ episodes we've done so far. So I figured, why not assemble a few of them and make a unique live music playlist of my own?  And so I have. Join me as I look back on some of my favourite NSTS performances, stripped-down versions of great songs from incredibly talented musicians, played with an intimacy and a purity that made my skin vibrate as they unfolded in front of me. Maybe yours did too.                     The NSTS live performance playlist: The Stephen Stanley Band - Melinda Kelsi Mayne - Woman Waiting Carl Dixon (with Ron MacLean) - Won't Back Down Rob Preuss - Romantic Traffic  Christina Martin - Impossible To Hold Barney Bentall - Something To Live For Rik Emmett - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas       

Something I've been spending a lot of time thinking about lately. Why do so many people struggle to get what they want out of life? Anxiety, medication, sedation, and depression all run rampant in today's society. How do you protect yourself from falling victim to so many of the pitfalls that exist and ensure you're always moving forward with a clear mindset? We'll explore that complicated issue today.

Something I've been trying to be more forthcoming about is my longtime battle with depression and anxiety. While I only really cover a small bit of what depression (specifically) means for me, I hope this conversation will allow others to realize that they are not alone. I'd like to give a very special thanks to this episodes guest speaker: Frank. While I know this particular topic was hard for you to talk about (took two takes, a whole bottle of jack daniels, and some shots of vodka), I glad you become comfortable enough to shed some light on your situation as well. I appreciate you, your time, your honesty, and your friendship. You have a heart of gold and I love you. To anyone out there that finds themselves in a similar mental/emotional state. Whether it be better or worse, know that there are people that care for you and better days are yet to come. Emergency Medical Services—911 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 18002738255 SAMHSA Hotline18777264727 All 2/7. All care.

How honest are we with our students? How honest are schools with their teachers? And how can we be more honest with ourselves? We discuss with ESL recruitment guru, Jessica Keller.Tracy: Hello, everyone. Today we've got our special podcast and then who has been on our podcast before is...Jessica Keller: Jessica Keller.[laughter]Tracy: Welcome.Jessica: That's me.[laughter]Tracy: Welcome, Jessica.Ross Thorburn: Jessica, thanks for coming on again. Do you want to introduce yourself very briefly for people that missed you last time?Jessica: Yeah, I've been recruiting for English language teachers and actually now other different subject teachers for both Asia and in the US for the last 13 years.Ross: Before that, you were an English teacher, a manager and the regional manager, those kind of things in Japan, right?Jessica: Yes, I did start as a teacher in Japan.Ross: Something happened at work to me fairly recently that I wanted to mention to you guys. We were talking about kids taking English lessons for about two hours a week and this person said to me that our school's competitors all tell parents, "If your kid studies with us, they'll sound like a native speaker after about two years."Jessica: Wow.Ross: I thought that's just a lie, right?Jessica: [laughs]Ross: Like a blatant lie. He said, "Well, we have to do that because that's what our competitors do. We don't really have a choice." I thought, "Well, surely that's going to lead to so many other problems."Anyway, it reminded me of this quote that I heard from Sam Harris who if you've not listened to him before, you should check out his "Waking Up" podcast.Sam Harris: It's amazing to me that we have to get back to a place where being out of harmony with what is demonstrably true pays a penalty.The value we have to all embrace is we have to care to be in register to the truth. Especially, people who are in power, whose decisions affect the lives of millions, we have to care when they are in register or out of register with what's true.Ross: Yes, therefore, we can talk a bit about lying and how lying comes into language teaching, recruitment, Jessica, which you're an expert in, teaching, training, management and all those things.Tracy: What the main areas today we're going to talk about? Lying?Ross: I think we can talk about when we lie and then how we can maybe lie less or at least be more honest.Jessica: Especially in sales. The nature of sales and recruitment for that matter is also just, of course, trying to get people to buy into something. Having a situation where you're trying to sell the benefits of something as opposed to being you listing all the negatives and all the positives.We don't necessarily think of that as lying all the time, but if you're openly leaving information out, then it can be really deceptive.Ross: Let's first of all talk about lying to students and then maybe how we can lie less. Then secondly...Tracy: ...we're going to talk about lying to our teachers and how honest we are in teacher training and management. Then last...Jessica: ...also about lying to ourselves.Lying To StudentsRoss: Let's talk about lying to students. When you, Tracy, taught adults before, what did you feel maybe that people weren't honest about or teachers were not honest about the students?Tracy: I think when the teacher is trying to give students some feedback, especially with adult learners. They have to make sure how much corrective feedback you are giving them because they don't want to lose face in front of other classmates.Even though they made mistakes they have to make sure, "Oh, yeah, really good. Well done," but actually, they didn't do a very good job.Ross: I guess it depends. If you praise someone maybe for trying something, that's honest but I have seen teachers say, "Oh, how else could you say X?" The student says something that's completely wrong and goon. Then the teacher says, "Yeah, well done. That's great." You can still say, "Oh, thanks for trying," or "That's interesting but not quite. But I think..."[laughter]Jessica: "Oh, good try. But here's what it actually is," or something like that.Ross: You're not giving them a lot of help by telling them they're right when they are actually wrong. [laughs]Jessica: Yeah. Also, I think to the original point you had about sales if you're setting an expectation to the parents of the kids who are going to sound like native speakers, and the kids have that pressure, obviously, they're going to be manufacturing and trying to live up to some expectation.That's not really realistic. It almost encourages a lie in some ways and the teachers also for maybe passing them along.Ross: I think that maybe we do have a bit of a lie in general that's like language learning is...We make language learning out to be a little easier than it actually is. I think in schools often will paint a picture for students that's a lot more optimistic than actually should.Tracy: That's a really good point, actually. If we just look at the people who can speak fluent foreign language, they definitely put a lot of efforts and it's not just one year. For example, I studied English for 29 years maybe.Ross: [laughs]Tracy: 29 years. I still made mistakes.Jessica: I have a friend who's sending her daughter overseas for four weeks. The daughter is taking one year of high school language study. My friend is convinced her daughter is going to be fluent and I'm like, "Aargh."Ross: After a year?Jessica: After one year of high school study and four weeks overseas.Ross: Wow.Jessica: She's like, "Well, it'll be really intensive." I'm like, "Yeah, I don't know about that."[laughter]Jessica: "Maybe you're right." I'd love to be wrong on that but it's that people have again these expectations that it's going to be easy to do.Ross: That's so interesting. I wonder where that comes from.Jessica: I think sales is partly the blame, for sure.Tracy: Yeah.Ross: [laughs] Yeah, absolutely. I also wanted to mention here something about how honest are we to students about what people actually say.Jake Whiddon, who's been on the podcast a couple times, he was telling me about he hang out with his daughter for the whole summer. He said, "I watch my daughter play with dozens of different kids and never once did I hear her say, 'Hello,' or 'How are you?' in either English or Chinese."I thought, "That's so interesting." The first thing that we teach...you know how that works. The important thing you can learn in English is, "Hello, how are you? I'm fine, thank you and you?" The majority of people that we teach those phrases to are kids, but actually kids don't say that.Tracy: I partially agree with that. I always hear foreigners talking to Chinese kids if the kids can speak English. They always say, "Hi! What's your name? How are you?"Ross: That argument is self‑justifying. The only reason they ask them those questions is because they know that's what they've been taught in school. I see your point, but I think with that those are interactions between adults and kids. For kids, the majority of interactions they will have will be with other kids.I think what someone really needs to do somewhere, is make up a corpus for children, and find out what the kids say to each other, what language the kids actually use. Then we could start teaching children some language that's going to be genuinely useful to them right now as opposed to learning a bunch of stuff that, when they grow up, they'll be able to use in 15 years' time.Tracy: Fair enough.Lying To TeachersRoss: Let's talk about lying to teachers. One of the reasons that I was very motivated to leave a previous job was, I found out that the Marketing Department, that marketed to teachers online, have much higher salary on their online advertisements than their first‑grade teachers actually get.That struck me as being so dishonest. I was much more serious about finding a job somewhere else. What do you think is the argument as a business, or as a school, why you wouldn't do that?Jessica: Why you wouldn't lie about the salary?Ross: Yeah.Jessica: I feel like that's something you can pretty easily punch a hole through. You don't want to be a dishonest company. As much as you want to get people on board and you want people to be interested in your job more than any other job, if you're known in the industry for being dishonest, then that's going to come through pretty quickly.If you advertise a salary of a certain amount, and then you get a job offer that's significantly lower than that, you're going to feel pretty disappointed, right?Ross: Yeah. Absolutely. How honest do you think schools should be when they're hiring teachers? Like you're saying, you do want to sell the benefits obviously more that the disadvantages. Equally you have to talk about some disadvantages in order to be transparent and give people an accurate picture of what life's going to be like.Jessica: For example, I've had jobs in the past that I've recruited for that have split days off or split shifts in the salary. I haven't put that in the job advertisement, but I'll talk to them about it.Ross: I think the advertisement is an advertisement with the route, but the interview is when you can get into those parts of it.Jessica: Well, admittedly, I know people will be less drawn to an ad if they see it. It's easier just to have a conversation. It's less concrete.Ross: One other thing that I wanted to mention here, related to lying to teachers and being honest to teachers, is I used to work with someone who thought that best way to give feedback to a teacher, who had a complaint, was to tell them, "Oh, hey, Jessica. I observed your class. I thought it was absolutely perfect.""There was nothing wrong with it all. Well done. You're such a great employee. By the way, you might want to read about error correction. That might be something you'd be interested in learning about."This person thought that would be the best way of getting those people that, for example, have a problem with error correction or got a complaint about not correcting enough errors. That would be the best way to get them to improve. Do you not think you're denying that person some avenue for development? That's important information that that person has a right to know.Jessica: Yeah. I am certainly glad that when I was a teacher, it was a while ago, I received feedback on complaints. Lying about something they've received is also deceptive and condescending, like, "We can't tell you this information, because we're afraid you might crack." Right?Ross: Right. How weak do we assume that people are? That they can't handle even direct criticism, just passing on of something negative.Jessica: It also could be that managers fear of conflict. I guess it could be their own thing.Lying To OurselvesRoss: Last one. Lying to ourselves. Something I've wondered with teacher training that we could do to be more honest about it is follow up with people a long time after the training. I think that we often in teacher training courses measure the success by how well the teachers meet our own standards on the course.Whereas I think, what we need to do more on that is call people up six months later, or a year later, and go like, "How did this help you find a job, or improve in your job, or get promoted?"Jessica: Or, "Did it help you?" [laughs]Tracy: Yeah.Ross: Or, "Did it help you at all?" Because, maybe it didn't.Jessica: It's the same with interviews and recruiting. We think we have a really good idea of this person. I do think generally we do, but we have to remember it's not exact science. I remember hiring someone that I was...No, I didn't even hire him.Ross: [laughs]Jessica: I took him over from another recruiter. I helped him with the last stages of his arrival. I was like, "This guy's going to be a complete failure." He completed his contract, and he was eligible for rehire, which blew me away, because he was not someone who I would've wanted to work with. There's people, who I've thought would be great, and they didn't even last probation.Ross: That's something I think that you do that's really great in recruiting. You find out the results afterwards. It's not just like, "We hired this guy. I thought he would be OK," and that's the end of it. You have this great system where you hire people, and then you can find out if they lasted six months, or a year, or if they got promoted, or what happened.It's not just that it's an amazing tool, but I think yours is a really amazing job of getting that feedback and plugging that information back into the system to help you make even better decisions in the future. For a while, when someone got fired, that you hired, did you not go back to your interview notes? Or get your staff to go back to your interview notes and go like, "What did you miss?"Jessica: Yeah. We still do that. We look at anybody who fails probation. We look at what happened. We definitely analyze. It's a post‑mortem, I guess, of everyone.Ross: Imagine if we did that with training as well. We did a post‑mortem like a year later.Jessica: It's not like, "If this teacher fails, it's a fault of the training."Ross: I was more getting at the idea that what the course teaches as good teaching is different from the reality of what schools expect. I think that there is a value in training course like teaching excellence or something as we see it.Also, there's got to be part of this. We're preparing you to go and get a job, and be successful. If we're missing out some skills that actually are going to help you succeed in a sort of a semi‑corporate school environment, or whatever environment you're going into, then maybe we're missing out on something there.Jessica: True.Ross: Cool, all right. Jessica, thanks again very much, for coming on.Jessica: Thanks for having me. It's great to be back. Can't wait for my next trip up here.Ross: Yay. [laughs]Tracy: Oh, great. Bye.Ross: Bye.Jessica: Bye.

Something I've had a growing awareness about lately is my, and everyone's, inability to control things in business and life, and the inevitability that things will go wrong more often than I'd like them to. That's not to say we can't influence our lives, but control is limited. I kept seeing this formula floating around Instagram a few months ago, E+R=O, and tracked it down like a wolf on the hunt to our guest on the podcast today, CEO of Focus3, Brian Kight. At first glance, it's just three letters, and while applying this formula to life is actually that simple, it's more powerful than it appears. In fact, it's one of the most powerful concepts I've ever heard of for handling situations better, and more importantly, making the best out of situations that are less than ideal. E+R=O stands for Event+Response=Outcome, and today's episode is a deep dive on how to apply it. Topics Discussed Applying E+R=O in every day life How to improve discipline The first thing to do if you struggle with responding well to situations Stepping outside of your emotions to make better decisions How to not take things personally that other people do   Episode Mentions & Resources Focus3 Podcast Daily Discipline Emails Follow Brian on Instagram and Twitter Focus3.com

Something I've been noticing on the podcast lately is I'm talking less with guests about what they do and more about how they're doing and what they're up to in life overall. Today's conversation felt like one of those. My guest, Kathryn Budig is an internationally celebrated yoga teacher and author known for her accessibility, humor, and ability to empower her students through her message, "aim true." Her big truth was about finding happiness within the pursuit of success. From there we discussed a variety of ways the pursuit of success makes us unhappy. From pursuing things because we think we "should" to the ways we use social media, seek validation and other forms of self-compromise. We talked about sustaining ourselves vs pushing or hustling and we also explored feeling comfortable in our skin as our bodies change and we go through difference phases, her experience of coming out in a relationship with a woman after her divorce from her husband. To say this one is packed and juicy is an understatement. Enjoy! About Kathryn Budig: Kathryn Budig is an internationally celebrated yoga teacher and author known for her accessibility, humor, and ability to empower her students through her message, “aim true.” The Kansas native graduated from the University of Virginia with a double degree in English and Drama before moving to Los Angeles, where she trained at Yogaworks under the tutelage of her mentors, Maty Ezraty and Chuck Miller. With over a decade of experience in her field, Budig served as the yoga editor to Women’s Health magazine for five years, contributed recipes and sat on the Yahoo Health Advisory Board, and regularly contributes to Yoga Journal, The New Potato, and MindBodyGreen. She was an athlete in Under Armour’s “I WILL WHAT I WANT” campaign, the co-host of the Free Cookies podcast, teaches regular online classes on Yogaglo.com, and is the founder of her animal project, Poses for Paws. She is the creator of the Aim True Yoga DVD produced by Gaiam, author of The Women's Health Big Book of Yoga and Aim True. What You'll Hear: 6:43 Navigating social media as a content creator 16:32 Stability, roots, and cycling through change over time 29:01 Handling how our bodies change over time 37:2

Understanding what people in say from the sounds they make is all but impossible without context, even in our first language. So how can we make more use of this amazing tool which helps prediction, understanding, engagement and application? We discuss what context is, why it’s important and how to incorporate it when teaching adults, teaching kids and in teacher training.Tracy Yu: Hello, everyone. Welcome to our podcast. We've got our regular guest, Matt Courtois!Matt Courtois: Hey!Tracy: Hey, Matt.Matt: How's it going?Ross Thorburn: As our starting point, I wanted to play you guys a quote from Jordan Peterson's podcast. He's a psychologist. This is from a lecture actually about music, but it's him talking about how human beings can understand the sounds that come out of other human beings' mouths.Jordan Peterson: ...It turns out that it's very difficult to listen to what someone's saying, and that's partly because all of the information is not encoded in the sounds that they're making.For example, part of the reason you can understand what I'm saying is that you know, more or less, that this is a lecture about psychology. You know it has a scientific basis. You know that there are certain things I'm not going to talk about.The entire context within which you sit, informs your understanding of my speech. Every word I say helps build a framework for you that informs your ability to understand each word.Ross: Basically, just what we say to each other isn't enough, by itself, to be able to understand what's going on. We all have to understand what context we're in to be able to pick up all those clues and decode meaning from sound.Matt: I had a student years ago, a really high‑level student, and I asked her to quantify how much English she could understand whenever I was speaking. She said it was about 30 to 40 percent.The rest of it was knowing me and knowing this context and understanding things I probably would be saying, and she's able to fill in all that stuff. In this student's case, the other 60, 70 percent of her language is guesswork.We're actually talking about how you can do that within a real conversation.Ross: That's definitely a skill, isn't it?I had a really interesting example of this a few years ago. I went for a run. It was in Beijing, actually, in the winter. It was really, really cold, but I was still wearing shorts and tee shirt. Afterwards, I went into a 7‑Eleven and bought a bottle of water. The person on the other side of the counter, said, "Are you cold?" and leaned across and touched my arm.I remember thinking, "If I couldn't understand Chinese, I would be so freaked out."[laughter]Ross: I wanted to pay for the bottle of water, and then the person started massaging my arm. I think that's because context causes you to predict what is going to be said, and what's going to happen.When you go in to a shop and you put something down on the counter, you can say with 99 percent certainty that the thing that the person behind the counter is going to say next is the price.All these great examples of how we use context in our day to day lives to predict what's going on, but we also need to bring those ideas into our teaching and probably our training, as well.Tracy: I think what I encountered when I'm training teachers...Usually, teachers, they feel quite difficult to understand the concept of context, because it's basically about where you're going to use a language in real life.I usually tell them, "In real life, think about, if you're talking to somebody, who the person is. Is it a friend? It's a family member? It's a colleague? Is it a doctor or is it some stranger on the street?"Why did you need to talk to them? Ask for advice? Ask for directions? Maybe you are paying for something at the cashier? What kind of situation you are, or where you are," and then try to help them understand what context is.Ross: I would almost say it's like language learning physically happens within a classroom, but you want, mentally, for it to happen in another place.For example, we'll talk about examples later with kids, but if you're teaching kids the names of some wild animals, don't make it take place in a classroom with some flashcards. Make it take place on a safari, or make it take place in a zoo.I think people make the mistake of thinking you need context when you practice language ‑‑ you do ‑‑ but you need context everywhere. From the moment the students walk in to the class, there should be context. For when they first encounter a new language, there should be a context. When they're practicing a language, there should be a context.Matt: You reminded me of a podcast I was listening to recently.This person went and saw "Sweeney Todd." Before the show, they walked in, and people were serving meat pies ‑‑ which is part of the plot ‑‑ and everyone was speaking with a London accent, and it was in the US. Everyone who went to this just said it was such a richer experience for the actual play, that they...One thing, we're teachers...When they struggle with context, it's like they choose a grammar point, and they decide, "This is what my class is going to be about. I'm going to have a class about the second conditional."They start off with a bunch of advice like, "If I were you, blah, blah, blah." Then they ask a question, "If you won a million dollars, what would you do?" then everybody answers it. Then it's like, "If you were an animal, what would you be?"The only thing stitching the whole thing together is the actual grammar that's being covered, and it's a really boring class to watch.[laughter]Ross: Or to be in.Matt: My advice is always to think about...Don't stitch your lesson together with the grammar points. Stitch your lesson together with that context that you were talking about.Tracy: It's so difficult to cover the different language points. If they really want to teach some certain language points, they feel difficult to find the context.Ross: Maybe over the next few minutes, we can help people by giving them some examples of how to include richer context in their lessons.Let's go through our three questions. First of all, we can talk about how to use context with adults. Second, we can talk about...Tracy: How to use context with young learners.Ross: Finally, we can briefly talk about...Matt: How you can use context in training.How can we use context with adult students?Ross: One of my favorite things to do with adults to set a context, is to go in and to take something that the students actually think is real and use that as the thing for the lesson. Something I've done before, for example, is gone into the class, and I've pretended to take a phone call.I start talking to the students, and I get someone to call me. I pretend to answer and I pretend, "Oh, it's my girlfriend's called me. She's really, really angry at me. It's her birthday, I forgot to send her flowers."I say, "I don't know what to do," and then the students say something like, "You can take her to dinner tonight.""OK," and I'll write that on the board. "Do you have any other ideas?""You can say sorry.""Anything else?" and you get all these examples. "Thanks very much, that's really useful. Actually, before I came in here, I was speaking to my friend, and I asked him the same thing about what I should do with this situation. Do you want to hear?"They're like, "Yeah, we want to hear." Then you play the conversation. All of a sudden, there's this rich context for the lesson where the students believe that some of this is actually going on, that it's real.It's almost like a comedy show, when comedians talk about, "You know yesterday I was doing this and this thing happened."I'm like, "I'm not sure. Did this actually happen to this person, or are they just making it up?"Or avant‑garde theatre, where you're not sure what's really part of the act?I went to a pantomime when I was back home for Christmas. People walk in late, and the person on stage accosts them and starts asking them questions, and you thought it was real, but actually, my sister had been to see the thing before. She told me that that happens every time. When you're watching it, you're not sure. They're blending the lines between the act and the reality.Matt: Not only is it more interesting, but also, the fact that, if you can relate it to real life, you're showing them that this is a real interaction between us and the classroom. They're actually giving you advice, about what to buy for your girlfriend. It's not just context, it's a realistic context.I don't know if you've ever seen a class where somebody is like, "We're going to be the first group of people to go to Mars. We're going to set up the government, and we have to create a constitution and everything."[laughter]Matt: That might be somewhat interesting for that person who wrote the class, but the odds are that none of the people in that class are going to be in that SpaceX mission to Mars, you know?[laughter]Tracy: Well, you don't know.Matt: Yeah, maybe...[laughter]How can we use context with young learners?Ross: I think for kids, sometimes, people find it even more difficult to think of a realistic context, because kids' lives are often limited to school [laughs] and home.Tracy: I think that we should allow a little bit imagination or creativity your lesson, because kids, they do do that.They think about, "Oh, what I want to do in the future," when they play with each other. They have teddy bears or toys, and they try to give them names, give them different characteristics.I think we should take this kind of stuff into consideration. Allow the kids to use their imagination, not just, "Pretend that you are in a restaurant, and you're ordering food."Matt: Is that really a skill they need? To be ordering food? Because their parents are going to be ordering them food.Ross: Presumably, yeah. I think for them, like you say, a lot of things involve imagination.For example, your thing of going on a space exploration and starting a new colony somewhere, that actually might be more realistic for kids, because that's the sort of thing that kids might think about or talk about or watch shows about. I think those imagination things can work perfectly for kids.Tracy: We talk about games in the class, right?Kids like playing games, but you have to also make your games meaningful. Ross, you wrote a blog about how to use games in your classrooms, and I think one of the key point is to have the aim in it.You have to make sure why you need this game. Is it really help them to practice the language, or make them realize, actually in this situation, they can use this language.Ross: One of the best classes I think I ever taught, we got some bits of paper, scissors, and tape, and we tried to make a really tall tower ‑‑ me and these 10 students ‑‑ out of bits of paper and tape. All the students had to do, was say to me, "Can I have some paper, please? Can I have tape, please?"Tracy: That's something also reminds me...Now it's quite popular, teaching online, but the field is so difficult because everything just depends on the Internet. They cannot use real flash cards and let students to touch it, to feel it. All the kids can't see each other face to face. It's quite difficult to manage.I think don't just have a big lesson topic. Make sure the first second the kids see the screen, they understand where they are, and they are already in that setting.Ross: Right. Is that a zoo, a pirate ship, a pet store, or any of these things?Tracy: In Chinese we say, "Lead you into that setting or scenario." I think that's context, right?How can we use context in teacher training?Matt: I know all three of us have done teacher training at some point. One of the biggest frustrations I always had was, when you cover any point in the training room, that teachers won't necessarily transfer those skills into the classroom when they're teaching.I always thought it was my fault by not...by making that separation. "This is the training room, and that's your classroom, it's another place." I think it's really important in the actual training sessions to create the context of the classroom where teachers will be applying these skills.Tracy: Of course, if the time is really limited, but I try to maximize the practice time, because a lot of teachers, when you tell them, "I want you to teach..."Ross: To practice your skills.Tracy: "...To practice your skills, and not talk about how to use it." For example, you practice giving instructions, not talk about, "First, I would like to get the students' attention, and then, I'm going to do this and that." No, not talking through the steps...Do it! [laughs]Matt: Just do it.Ross: Even with doing it, you can then make it more specific. For example, I'm doing a training next week.As part of the training activities ‑‑ so there's a bit more context ‑‑ it's not just, "Teach this lesson to your partner." They have a lucky draw type thing.Someone has to draw out the age of the student, and then they have to draw out the student's personality. Are they shy? Are they outgoing? Then the teacher has to draw out a scenario like they're running out of time or they have to make up too much time.All of this goes in, there's all these extra constraints, and it makes it a lot more realistic. There's a lot more context then going into that practice, rather than just saying, "Now, practice."Tracy: Thanks everyone. Hope this episode help you understand and use context in your class and training. Bye!Ross: Bye, everyone!Tracy: For more podcasts, videos, and blogs, visit our website at...Ross: ...www.tefltraininginstitute.com.Ross: If you've got a question or a topic you'd like us to discuss, leave us a comment.Tracy: If you want to keep up‑to‑date with our latest content, add us on WeChat at @TEFLtraininginstitute.Ross: If you enjoy our podcast, please rate us on iTunes.

Thou shalt remember that ignorance is not always bliss. And this is especially true when it comes to automotive matters. Something I've learnt the hard way, over and over and over and over again. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

On the podcast this month we've been talking all about product launches. We covered the big picture overview of how to launch a product, how to work with affiliates to help sell your product, and creating a free offer for your product launch.  If you haven't worked your way through those episodes yet, then back up and go through those. They will give you a very solid grounding before heading into this episode.  Today we are going to be covering Launch week! You've done all the prep work to launch your new product, now it's time to actually launch it! Here's everything to need to craft a successful launch week.  Launch Your Product A typical launch period for us is 5-7 days. Anything shorter than that and it's hard to build momentum. Anything longer than that and it's hard to keep up that momentum.  If you listened to episode #4 and are creating a free opt in offer for your product, then a good option is to be in "sales" mode for one month. Spend 2-4 weeks spreading the word about your free opt in to boost engagement and get new readers, and then actually launch your product in 5-7 days.  A typical sales week:  We've played with this schedule and tweaked it a lot over the years. It will probably keep changing as we learn and grow, but here's what we typically do in a launch week.  Day #1: Cart Open On day #1, the first thing you want to do is check all sales pages and links, a couple of times. The worst thing to happen would be people showing up to your page, unable to check out! So check, check, and double check that it's all working properly.  Then once you know it's all working, you can send out your initial CART OPEN email! This can be short and sweet and simply let people know that your new product is for sale.  I'm a fan of doing a short and sweet email for this (although you can do a longer sales email with all the info) because I think people are initially interested and will pop over to see what it is.  At this point, I would also publish a full blog post with all the details to share on Pinterest, Facebook, social media, those who follow you via RSS feed, etc.  I would also consider doing a Facebook/Instagram live video. The first day is so full of excitement that now is a good time to jump on and share that your new product is live and available!  Through your week: using evergreen content to sell I know that not everyone on my list or in my audience will be interested in buying this thing. So while I do want to push the sale hard, I also want to acknowledge and not burn out that audience that has no intention of buying this product.  Evergreen content is simply blog posts, podcasts, and other content that is related to your product but that will still live on once this promotion is over. For example, if you are sharing a brand new cooking course, then doing some evergreen content revolving around your favorite cooking accessories, or simple meal planning tips can become great content to spread around that also includes a pitch for your product.  Bonus: It gives you a really good non-salsey excuse to reach out to your audience, share on social media, and send follow up emails! You are simply providing more good, related content!  Throw a Facebook Party I do about 2-3 Facebook parties a year. They do a couple of things: 1) it raises awareness for my product launch 2) it helps boost my Facebook feed all week and 3) my audience LOVES it and is an amazing way to build up my community. I get requests all year asking when my next FB party will be!  Here's how to throw a Facebook party:  1) Set up a FB even on your page Set this up and start inviting people to the party 1-2 weeks in advance. Ask them to RSVP on that event page so they get notified when the party starts.  Share about the party on other social media, your blog, and via email.  2) A typical party My typical party is usually 2 hours long. I do mine in the evenings because most moms can participate better when kids are in bed. I tend to post every 5-15 minutes through out the party.  I usually have 6 giveaways throughout the party, 3 each hour. I usually give away a few digital giveaways but I try and make them physical products as often as I can because people get more excited about physical items.  My focus in the party:  My focus throughout the party is on serving and loving my readers rather than selling. It's a time to build up community!! So I giveaway a ton of free digital goodies to all attendees and focus on giving more than I am taking!  I focus on my readers having a BLAST and then I also mention the sale. I want to do a video soon so you can see exactly how I structure my party. I will work on that soon :)  Other ideas for launch week You can try and line up guest posts on other blogs. HINT: This is a great thing to do before your launch and share about your freebie then get people on your email list to sale.  Podcasts are another great idea! Reach out to podcasts in your niche and see if you can be a guest on their show.  2-3 days into the launch Something I've just started doing in the past year or so, is resending my cart open email about 2-3 days into the sale to all unopens. I change the tagline and try to do a different angle. This results in a lot more opens to that initial email. Be warned: This segment of your audience tends to not be as responsive, so I end up with a higher percentage of unsubs from these emails typically.  Bonus tip: Don't neglect your email list the weeks and moths leading up to your big launch. The best thing you can do is stay consistent and engaged with them leading up to your launch!  Final day of your sale Typically you will see up to 50% of your sales on this final day! So if your launch week has been lack luster leading up to this, it's easy to slack on the last day. This is a HUGE mistake. Stay consistent and follow up, it's worth it!  Email On the final day, I send 2-4 emails to my list. Yes, this is a lot. And yes, I was terrified to do this at the beginning. So start out sending two emails that final day and work your way up to what works for you and makes sense.  1st email is early in the morning and is just a quick "sale ends tonight" or "doors close tonight". Remind them of the urgency!  2nd email is my long email of the day. This is my last chance to make a big sales pitch. I typically do a FAQ email where I will answer all of the common objectives to purchasing. This email tends to do VERY well. I usually send this in the early afternoon (around 10 or 11 am).  3rd and final email is a 5-8 hour reminder. This is another quick email reminding them that the sale or promotion ends soon! I will usually take a paragraph or two to highlight a feature that I haven't yet that day and then just leave them with a link to the sales page.  I have sent out a 4th email before with a 1 hour left. But this results in a TON of unsubs for me. I think it's probably because most people don't get it that night and end up opening it in the morning and by then, they obviously don't care. But I do know people who do this. I don't think it's all that effective for my audience, so I've stopped doing it.  Other hints I would strongly consider doing Facebook ads. We've been playing with Facebook ads the last couple of years and just in the last 3-6 months we've started putting more significant time and money into Facebook ads with GREAT success.  Countdown timer Nothing drives urgency like watching a countdown timer ticking down, down, down. Motionmail is a FREE website that allows you to create a countdown timer that works in blog posts AND counts down live in emails.  I add a countdown timer to every single one of my sales emails. This is the last episode (for now) in our launching series. If you have more questions about launching, please leave us a comment! And make sure to download our FREE launch checklist to help you keep tracking of everything.  Download our FREE Product Launch Checklist!  I know this is a TON of information! So I distilled it all down into a handy printable product launch checklist for you. All you have to do is fill it out for you next product launch and you are well on your way to a successful launch.  To download the FREE checklist, simply sign up here and download right away!  

In episode #23, Wilco talks about a cool strategy that he use often in order to get more customers through the door. Time Stamped Show Notes: 00:28: Do you want to improve your conversions? 01:03: This is what I call the power of simplification. 01:55: You want to explain a concept of what a product actually does but in a couple of seconds. 02:40: You want to improve your retargeting on Facebook, you can do it by using ConnectRetarget. 02:55: It's behavioral retargeting, it's awesome and you'll get better retargeting results. 04:30: I try to tell them a story, try to get them, instead of being an obvious sales page or being an obvious sales video, I tell them a story about that. 05:30: This exact same principle, I've used it multiple times and every single time it works, it plain works. 07:00: ConnectExplore, allows you to find more and better interest on Facebook. 08:42: I know that often because we're so excited about our own products, it's so easy to over complicate things. 09:13: For those of you who might be a little bit confused by your explanation, you make sure that they'll understand more and better of your product compared to without doing this simplification process. 10:18: I just write things down in my notebook and usually it takes a while to really get to a good analogy that is really simple and easy to explain. Transcription:             Hey, hey, it's Wilco de Kreij here, and let me ask you a quick question. Do you want to improve your conversions? Do you want to sell more stuff? If that's you, then yes, then this episode is specifically for you. If you don't want to improve your conversion, if you don't want to sell more, then no need to listen, then you probably hate money and you hate to grow your business, but if you do, then please keep on listening. This is all about a cool strategy that I use as often as I can in order to get more customers through the door. It doesn't really matter whether you're selling something online or offline, whether you're selling a product or a service or whatever you are selling, this pretty much works on everything.             This is what I call the power of simplification, right? If you have been following me, or if you've seen for example, the sales videos that I put out, the sales pages that I put out, then you've probably already seen it in action. Basically what this is all about is that the problem as being an entrepreneur, or the problem as being the product creator, or the problem as being the marketer, like sometimes we tend to go overboard when people would ask us like hey, what does this product do? I mean, if someone asks me hey, what does a Upviral do, then I could be talking for hours, because I'm such a nerd.             I'm like talking about yeah, does this, it does that, it does that, but the problem is that when someone comes to your page that never heard of you before or they come across you, maybe not even on your site, maybe in person, but you want to explain a concept of what a product actually does but in a couple of seconds, right? Usually as soon as you go into the technical stuff, you lost them already. You don't want to bore them with like the technical stuff because they don't even know why they should be listening. Something I've been doing is I've sort of been trying to create an analogy to simplify the whole thing.             I'm going to give you a couple of examples too to make that more clear, but basically I'm trying to find something in the real world that makes whatever the product does more relatable or more easy to understand. For example, I'm not sure if you know about ConnectorRetarget, it's one of the tools that we sell. I could be, like if someone would go to the sales pitch of ConnectRetarget, I could right out of the gate start saying like hey, you want to improve your retargeting on Facebook, you can do it by using ConnectRetarget, it's behavioral retargeting and then you can retarget based on how long they stayed in your sites or how far they scrolled down.             You can do all these amazing things, it's behavioral retargeting, it's awesome and you'll get better retargeting results. I could do that, right? I could do that, but I also know that part of my audience isn't even up to speed yet, right? Part of my audience, they don't even know what, at the moment they land on my page, they don't even know what to expect, right? What I was thinking about when I was putting together the sales video for that one, I was like all right, so how do I explain this in simple terms? What I used is, and you also see this if you go to this, I actually recommend you check out the sales video for ConnectRetarget, you'll see, it will make more sense.             Basically how I start the video is something like this, hey imagine you're in a shop and in this shop there's ten people and from those ten people there's nine people who immediately leave the shop without buying but there's one person who, he's walking around the shop and he's checking all your products out and then eventually he also leaves the shop without making a purchase. Imagine you have one shot, you can convince one of those ten people, to try to convince them to become a customer, right? You could give them a discount or you could do something to bribe them and to get them to come back and make a purchase. Who would you go after?             Those nine people who clearly weren't even remotely interested or that one person was clearly interested but for some reason they didn't actually pull the trigger. By making it, by explaining it in like a story base, because I'm doing it based on a story and on the video I actually visualize, I'm not just saying that, I'm not just on my screen talking about it, I actually, you see some people walk in the shop and things like that. I try to tell them a story, try to get them, instead of being an obvious sales page or being an obvious sales video, I tell them a story about that.             By the end of this one minute story, they'll understand, every prospect will understand like the difference between just approaching everyone the same way or the fact that some customers or some potential customers, I have to say, some visitors, are going to be more valuable than others. Then right after, I basically introduce the problem, because now they understand this part. By simplifying the process, by giving them a real world example and right after I tell them, all right cool, the problem is that when using Facebook there's no way to make a distinction between these two people.             Facebook just thinks that every visitor is the same way. There's no way you can actually retarget based on how long people stay in your site or how far they actually scroll down on your site, things like that, but you know what? Here's the solution, ConnectRetarget can do that. That's basically what the pitch is in a nutshell. This exact same principle, I've used it multiple times and every single time it works, it plain works because as soon as I start talking right away about the technical things, it's so much harder to convince them of the point that I'm trying to make.              While if I would actually, now what I'm here doing is like just by using a real world example, makes it easier to understand, makes it less techy and vague and all of that. After I'm sure that they understand that initial concept that I wanted to know, then I can actually, then the pain point is going to be way more effective. That's what I say, like the pain point I mean is that the problem that people have. If I would just say hey, you need to run behavioral retargeting, people are like why would I need that? I don't really need that, but by simplifying it and making it relatable to a real world story or a real world example, it makes it so much easier.             I do this in various of my products actually. For example, I'll give you another example actually, so we also have a tool called ConnectExplore. If you go to the sales page you'll be able to find that sales video as well. One of the things it does, it does quite a few things but obviously we cannot mention everything right in the sales video right away. I mean that's also the power of simplification, right, you don't want to throw everything that your product does, you want to focus on some key things that you think are going to convince your customers. That's also an important lesson.              Basically what it does, it allows you to find more and better interest on Facebook. Instead, once again, instead of saying hey, we have this tool and it will help you to find more interest or maybe even start off hey, you know what? You want to target the interest that your competitors won't be able to find and here's how you do it. Even that way, it wouldn't work as good as what I think as what we currently did and that is that I make a simple analogy saying something like hey, you know, imagine you're going fishing and you have two options.             You can either go to the local fishing point, which is like crowded with fishermen and everyone is going for the same fish or you can actually go to a hidden pond which is actually filled with trout, like there's loads of fish but nobody's there to fish. Which would you go for? In their mind it's going to be like of course I want to go for the hidden pond. That's obvious. That's where you want to be. Then I tell them like, all right, it's the exact same thing on Facebook. It's the exact same thing, people are always going for the same interests, like it's the crowded pond, everyone is going for the same interests but you know what?             There's actually interest that your competitors won't be able to find and that is where ConnectExplore comes in. Once again, I'm just simplifying it. I'm making an analogy in the real world, which might not seem as related right away, I mean, a local fishing point has nothing to do with Facebook obviously, but it's the exact same concept. It's the exact same thing. By using these kind of examples in the beginning of my sales video, it just helped me a lot to explain the more technical solutions. I'm not sure about you, I'm not sure about what kind of product or service you are selling in your business but I know that often because we're so excited about our own products, it's so easy to over complicate things.              It's so easy to confuse our prospects and because of that, we already lost them and of course part of your audience, they're going to understand. Part of your audience will actually get it, but by making this simple analogy, like you're not excluding those people. People who are smart enough to instantly get it, they will still follow using the simple analogy but for those of you who might be a little bit confused by your explanation, you make sure that they'll understand more and better of your product compared to without doing this simplification process.             What I highly recommend you to do, for everyone who's selling something online or offline, it doesn't really matter, try to think of like a real world example or a real world analogy that you can leverage or use to simplify what your product does, or maybe not even what your product does but maybe even the point that you're trying to make. Just like I did with ConnectRetarget, I'm not even showing, I'm even talking about retargeting, I'm just giving them, I'm making clear, making the point clear that not every visitor is equal. Some visitors, if they engage with your shop they are more valuable basically and only after that I make the point, right?             On Facebook that's not possible, it's only possible using our tool, ConnectRetarget. Yeah, I hope that helps for everyone. It's definitely some food for thought. What I usually do is whenever I, I just write things down in my notebook and usually it takes a while to really get to a good analogy that is really simple and easy to explain. You can even do a test run on your friends or people around you, your family, like hey, if I do it like this, does that make sense or not? That usually helps me a lot as well. I hope it helps and I will talk to you all soon.    

This is by far my longest recording yet. If you're looking for some background noise for your full night's sleep, this will come awfully close clocking in just under seven hours, so long as you don't mind the occasional siren in the distance. We had rain all day today. Something I've been wanting to capture in the city for a while. Hope it brings you some peace. 11:15am - 6:00pm 52° (Low of 46° / High of 54°) Light Rain Chance of Precipitation: 100% Wind: 11mph NE Humidity: 89% UV Index: 0

Something I've come to realize after reading 30 or more business books, is that everything new is old again. That the vast majority of the current day guru's are standing on the shoulders of giants like Dale Carnegie. With each advent of technology, someone devises a new way to improve organizations, develop leadership and support change. But they use ideas developed 70 years ago to do it. It's true. So that's why I've been revisiting the masters. After all, Dale Carnegie wrote this book in 1936 and 80 years later, we're still talking about it. His ideas and strategies are still being taught in courses around the world. His suggestions for authentic persuasion and building relationships are being use in corporations today. His notions of fairness and consideration are coming back in to vogue because we went so far the other way the pendulum just had to swing back. I, for one, welcome the times back when people showed appreciation with no other motive than kindness. A time where the mere idea of tricking someone by using false flattery was considered low brow. A time when leading with compassion, thought and integrity meant something. Dale Carnegie - I think your time has come. Again.

Every day I find something new out here on Wild Side. Something I've never seen before. Something that makes me say to myself, “slow down! Stop being so observant! You don't want to be one of those folks that goes around saying 'now I've seen everything,' do you?” ...

Something I've been working on over Christmas, enjoy!

This episode of the Online Marketing Made Easy Podcast, is extra special because it is the very first edition of the Ask Amy segment that I'm adding to the Online Marketing Made Easy podcast. Every other week I'm going to be answering your questions all about online marketing, Facebook marketing, Facebook ads, webinars and email marketing. If you've got a question, I likely am going to have an answer for you! All you need to do is go to amyporterfield.com/askamy and leave me a recorded message. Your question just might be the very next one I choose for the show! In this episode, here’s what we’ll cover: Something I've been struggling with lately Why my style hasn't always served my customers The push back I've gotten regarding how I teach Facebook marketing How overwhelming and scary creating a marketing plan can be when you're first starting your business The importance of pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone Why you should look at Facebook differently And so much more! Here's the question for this episode: I just launched my website officially at Easter. I took your advice, I put a Facebook sweepstakes on the right side bar, and the resort I work at allowed me to give out a fantastic package, they're really helping me out and it's going really well. In the first month, I've got about 130-something likes and I just love to see that, but I want to keep the momentum going. I want to know what the next step for me might be, whether it's Facebook ads or whatever you think would be the most efficient thing for me. Key Takeaways Anytime you get new leads from Facebook, it's important to be ready to nurture those leads. Follow up with your new leads with a weekly email, with the focus initially being on pure value, instead of selling. After 4-6 weeks of pure value, select one opportunity to  promote. Send 3-4 emails that talk about this opportunity. Be sure to make those emails about them, rather than about you and your offer. Work on sharpening your copywriting skills. This is important even if you plan to hire someone to write them for you in the future. If people don't purchase, put them back into a value-add sequence, and when you're ready to promote again, go back to 3-4 emails about an opportunity. Use Facebook ads to drive traffic to a lead magnet rather than to a sales page. The goal of ads is to grow your email list. This is how to turn your efforts into profits. Even though it's hard to get organic reach on your Page, it's still important to provide good content for the people who see your posts. Email is more intimate than Facebook, when you really understand how to use email. It's useless to have a big email list if you never use it to promote.