You Deserve Medals

There are very few things in life that Jay and I love more than a good space movie. And while we would both trade everything we have for an hour of wife and child-free peace, sitting back and viewing an incredibly well-written, visually stunning, and powerfully inspiring space movie runs a very close second.  Unfortunately, I couldn't find a copy of Howard the Duck, but Apollo 13 was a decent backup. Apollo 13 was one of the few horrible hiccups in NASA's moon program, and it would be easy to key in on the things that went wrong. However, this movie does something that very few films can accomplish successfully - it provides competency over abundance. Thousands of people, each the absolute best and brightest in their area, working together with extreme dedication, calm, and brilliance to bring three men home from certain doom. There is nothing better than the best acting like the best, and the fact that everything in this movie actually happened lifts our dark spirits in a way we never thought possible. We don't use the word masterpiece very often, but everything in this movie - the casting, acting, writing, directing - all contribute to one of the best movies ever made. If billionaires buying social media companies and Russia threatening nuclear war are getting you down, this movie is like a healing elixir, reminding you of a time when humanity achieved the impossible, just because they wanted to.  Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go get severe joint injuries just from waking up in the morning.

You can be forgiven for forgetting about Starman, an early 80's science fiction romance that came out in the same year as such obscure indie films as Ghostbusters, The Karate Kid, Gremlins, Beverly Hills Cop, The Terminator, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Conan, The Last Starfighter…Can we please travel back in time to 1984? We digress - Starman wasn't a flashy popcorn blockbuster. It didn't have crazy action sequences, outrageous special effects, or big budgets with bigger production values behind it. It was, however, a movie with a lot of heart, with shockingly good acting and writing that grabs onto your feels like two daughters you have to pretend to love until they're both 18.   If you can get over yet another sci-fi lead actress with a hideous chin-bum-thing, you'll find an extremely well written and acted story that truly does the “visitor from another world” trope justice. Characters learn and grow, their attitudes and relationships mature in a natural and believable way, and it transitions seamlessly from a compelling science fiction film into a love story easy to invest in. A grieving widow meets a stranded alien who looks like her dead husband, gradually falls in love with him, and helps him find his way home. It sounds simple - because it is - but the most beautiful things in our lives tend to be the simplest ones. Seriously, though…Benny has an unnerving reaction to people with those chin-bum things. He needs help.

Ahhh…another turn of the decade sci-fi classic, featuring an indifferent and poorly conceived modern day Earthling protagonist with flowing locks, thrust into the far future to embark on a space battle for freedom, while having to choose between an attractive but boring romantic interest or an absolute sultry smokeshow of a romantic interest. Is this a horrible run-on sentence? Absolutely. But one thing it is not is describing Buck Rogers. This time, it's Flash Gordon - the star Quarterback who ends up helping winged barbarians fight an Asian-themed villain, while an evil princess - who is clearly the superior romantic option - ends up with a classically trained Shakespearean actor in green tights. We really, truly want to say that this is one of those examples of “so bad it's good”, but the least thing we want to do is turn this podcast into a house of terrible lies. We aren't fun-killers and we can appreciate a cheesy flick for the entertainment value it provides, and Flash certainly has its moments; the opening comic book scrawl is fantastic, Omella Muti makes us want to travel back in time, and Timothy Dalton acts the absolute #$%! out of his role. But everything else is just a jumble of horrible writing, horrible acting, and so many plot holes that you'll pop a truck tire driving over them. If you're keen on a SUPER 70's/80's feeling film that will absolutely never make you have to use your brain whatsoever, then strap in and blast off to absolute apathy and regret! Flash…saviour of the universe and king of the impossible indeed.

Once in a while, things that embody chaos, disappointment, and confusion end up sinking their greasy claws into our hearts and hold on throughout our lives with the tenacity of a rabid bulldog. For Jay, it's the overwhelming adoration for wearing animal onesies while sipping homemade Shirley Temples. For Benny, it's the demon spawn his DNA belched into this world. Yet both of us share a mutual example of this - a timeless tale of random delinquents who go on an outrageously dangerous and difficult journey to find a long-dead pirate's treasure, and save their homes from purchase and destruction. No, this isn't the latest NBC Survivor clone; it's The Goonies, more popularly known as Thanos, Samwise, and a bunch of randos. By all accounts, The Goonies just shouldn't work. A ridiculous overarching plot? Check. Cartoonish villains? You betcha. An incredibly unrealistic series of tests and traps, the menace of which doesn't fit the feel of the movie? Of course. A loveable and heartwarming special needs character with a horrific backstory? Bonus points. And yet, everything comes together in a classic that has staying power. Sure, a lot of the story is ridiculous, and boy did we poke holes in it, but it plays its heart out and reminds us all that movies used to be zany fun. Because goodness knows we need to be reminded of that these days. Grab your kids, snuggle up with some popcorn, and have an absolute blast - watching Goonies with family makes it infinitely more enjoyable, and you'll have a fantastic time. If you don't end yourself from the incessant rambling chatter that permeates the entire run time.

New and old listeners alike can agree on one thing - Benny is not a smart man. He prefers fart jokes and explosions over deep and meaningful dialogue and themes. He makes detailed notes for every episode because he has the memory of a dead parakeet. He got married and had kids. All of the hallmarks of a functional idiot. So it shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that he met Jay's praise of Wrath of Khan with surprise, disbelief, and derision. It's classic Trek, Benny said. It's 60's fashion and cheesy fight scenes, without a single awesome Picard monologue to be found. How could it possibly be as good as Jay built it up to be? Well, much like when Jay told Benny not to rub his eyes after wiping post-poop, he was absolutely right in all the best ways. Star Trek II - The Wrath of Khan - is every bit the masterpiece people have said it is. It isn't just the best Trek movie ever made; it's one of the best films we have ever seen. The quality is in every scene, every moment…from Kirk's internal battle against the retirement-like oblivion of promotion, through characters like Chekov and Saavik experiencing equal growth and development, to the epically nuanced battle of wits between Khan and Kirk. Hell, even the horrific brain slug provided tension and nausea in equal measures. On the off chance that you haven't watched Wrath of Khan yet, listen to your nerd uncle or dork cousin. This movie isn't just an amazing sci-fi movie. It's cinema at its absolute finest.

Shocking revelations come in all shapes and sizes. Did you know that Chris Evan's wore a prosthetic jaw in Avengers in order to hide the beard he was growing for Snowpiercer? How about the fact that Stephen Hawking was the only person to ever play him or herself on a Star Trek episode? Or, when you first look into the eyes of your newborn baby, you don't see the 18 years of emotional trauma you'll suffer at their indifferent and ungrateful hands? Most shocking of all…You Deserve Medals has survived two full seasons, and Jay still talks to Benny despite all of the on-air belches, stories of childhood horror, and a drastically disproportionate workload! Huzzah! Much like the end of Season 1, when we lamented about the state of another beloved franchise with “Star” in its name, this time we decided to cap off our second season with a discussion about all things Star Trek. And, much like that Season 1 end episode, we don't have a ton of great things to say about the subject in question, where it is, or where it's going. However, it gave us great movies like Wrath of Khan, fantastic characters like Picard (before he was completely destroyed by Kurtzman and Stewart), and our fond memories provide a warming security blanket against the uncomfortable chills of Discovery, Lower Decks, Picard, and whatever other garbage that Paramount decides to vomit onto the fetid corpse of what's left of Trek. You know…just in case you weren't sure about how we felt. So hug your replica phaser, say “engage” to your podcast app with the stoicism of a classically trained British actor, and join us on a Star Trek retrospective by two middle aged men who remember better days.

Nostalgia is a powerful force, and is a driving factor in our show. But when you reach our ages, very few movies actually MAKE you feel younger. Watching them doesn't just trigger memories of your youth, but reminds you of how you FELT when you first saw them. When you could bend over and tie your shoe without throwing your shoulder out for a week. When time was an irrelevant currency simply because we had so much of it, and was always squandered on Super Nintendos and late night movie marathons. When you could wake up every morning energized and eager to face the world...instead of staring into a mirror while you watch what little of you remains drift away like a fart in the wind, as marriage and reproduction ravage your vitality. This is one of those movies. It isn't fantastic by any stretch of the imagination, and parts of it are downright ruined by poor editing choices (slow motion for the entire final battle? Really?). But when you take the hottest young male stars of the day, give them guns and horses, and tell them to chew tobacco and shoot people for two hours, you get a movie like Young Guns. If raging testosterone, outrageous sex appeal, and surprisingly decent acting all made a baby, you would get this movie. And even if you don't end up liking it, you're definitely going to feel like you did before you had to get a CPAP machine. This movie doesn't just remind you of the 80's...you'll feel it in your bones. Regulate, indeed.

The 80's were just a different time, full of wonder and creativity. They were painted with the hope and anticipation of a bright future, while struggling with the specter of ever-impending nuclear apocalypse. This is the era that brought us Walkmans, ushered in the golden age of the video arcade, and put the movie theater in every living room with grainy VHS tapes. The likes of the DeLorean was matched with big hair, neon colours and even bigger personalities. Movies of all genres were breaking ground, and establishing high bars that even 21st century flicks have yet to meet.  If there was ever a time in our history to combine teenage vampires with an oiled-up and shirtless mullet-wielding badass saxophone player who groin-pumped his way into our collective memories, 1987 was it. The Lost Boys sounds like a ridiculous premise on paper, and there are many parts of the movie that go out of their way to support this thought. But make no mistake - this movie is the definitive vampire culture flick of our generation, and does so many things right that we can forgive the fact that it has not one, but two famous Corey's in it. The story is campy yet easily digested, the characters refreshingly natural, and it strikes all the right chords when it comes to 80's dark comedy/horror. And forget all of the modern attempts at depicting vampires as ancient warriors or civil war survivors...Kiefer Sutherland is THE movie vampire, and if this movie doesn't convince you of that, then you are dead to us.

What do you think of when presented with a foreign population hastily integrated within America, forced to come to terms with its new environment, and productively contribute to its new society? A checkered past, shrouded in mystery, hiding a horrible narcotics addiction that once ravaged their population and threatens to do so again? Unheard of levels of violence and crime ripping through their population, shaking the very foundation of everything they're trying to build in their new home?  If your answer is anything but “why Jay and Benny, you are referring to the seminal 1988 classic Alien Nation, not to be confused with the visual horror show that was the 1989 TV series of the same name”, then shame on you, and you are everything wrong with society right now. Join us as we open a true surprise bag of a film neither of us remembers, only to be greeted by a prize we never expected to be so good, so entertaining, and so well put together. Alien Nation combines excellent characters, a decent plot, and shockingly competent relationship development into a tight package of 80's movie buddy cop deliciousness. However, once you see an alien crack open a cylinder of red drug slime and gargle it like an enraged zoo animal, you may protest our use of the word “delicious”.

Do you remember opening Christmas presents as a child, and every year you experienced that one trick gift? The one that looked like it should have been something else, but when you open it, you're completely surprised by something entirely different? Well, call us Santa Claus, because we've given you a big shiny box labeled “Episode 12 - Heathers”, but we've filled it with almost 2 hours of deep philosophical discussions related to relationships, stereotypes, and other light and airy subjects. And is there really anything better than listening to two physically and emotionally broken men in their mid-40's yammer on about deep topics in a semi-cheesy late 80's movie for almost two hours? A new entry to our list of phrases we never thought we would utter: Heather's is another fan request. And boy howdy did it pretty much toss everything we expected right out the window along with our hopes, dreams, and life potential. Heathers is truly one of the most unique movies of modern cinema, ushering in grittier and more cynical 90's flair while waving goodbye to the 80's with complex ideas around popularity and suicide glorification. In between all of this is characters that have no business being as complex as they are, lines that shouldn't be as eternally hilarious as they are, and Christian Slater channeling his inner Jack Nicholson as well as he did. This movie is weird yet entertaining, funny yet ominously dark, and absolutely worth a watch (or rewatch). Based on feedback from one person, our episode write-ups will no longer feature key topics covered. We want our episodes to truly be a surprise, so that your absolute disappointment and rage can be maximized. And despite a deplorably wide chasm in terms of work and effort put into this show by Jay, Benny would love to do even less than he already is. So chug some mineral water, strip in the woods, and let Jay and Benny poison you into flavour country. Or something.

A young boy, overwhelmed with grief at the sudden and potentially violent loss of his mother. A newly widowed father, still struggling to cope with massive change, becomes cold and distant to his son. With his imagination the only thing allowing him to escape to some semblance of happiness, the boy shoplifts a valuable original print book from a kind old man's shop, and proceeds to hide in his school overnight while hallucinating a fantastical adventure with talking rocks and wolves until the early hours of the morning. Is this a horror story? A semi-accurate description of the life trauma that made Benny the mess he is today? Or a seminal childhood classic which features a flying dog-dragon that holds up about as well as a ham sandwich you hid behind a radiator 20 years ago? The Neverending Story is one of those rare childhood classics that not only deserves to be called one, but offers complexity, creativity, and a deep sugary nougat you usually have to suck on a Tootsie Pop to reach. From gorgeous set pieces, to solid directing and editing, right down to surprisingly deep characters, no amount of shade tossed onto it by two embittered middle-aged men can tarnish the shine this movie has. Yes, some parts are goofy, some moments don't really survive the test of time too well, but for the most part it's a solid romp down memory lane.  Climb aboard that abhorrent piece of garbage Falcor, and chase some bullies into a garbage dumpster as we discuss such topics as: Benny had absolutely no idea that this movie was originally a German film. Like, German German There was not one, but two sequel films. The fact that you're saying “really?” pretty much sums up how good they were The character design is fantastic in this movie, far better than they have any right to be. Even the wolf, who has some awful motion effects near the end, still manages to elicit a sense of dread The matte paintings in this film are honestly among the best we've ever seen, and it renewed our sorrow for this lost art form Transitions, transitions, transitions. It's a little thing, but the movements between the fantasy world and Bastion's real world are smooth and perfectly timed, and really add to the effectiveness of the storytelling Contrary to what Benny spent the past 26 years of his life believing, the horse that plays Artax didn't actually die, and you're a fool for believing that he did. But not Benny. Benny is no fool We don't care how fondly you remember Falcor; he is a garbage character who repeatedly annihilates any tension or gravity the movie builds. The producers also apparently blew their effects budget on the other characters, because Falcor looks like a grade 3 production of Marmaduke It's amazing what an adult perspective can give you with a movie like this. The inner battle with Bastion - real life vs imagination - is presented really well, and makes you think deeply about the moments we began to drift away from fantasy Also, the Sphinxs' at the first gate have nipples Bastion, you have the power to grant yourself any wish you like, and as many as you could ever dream of. Oh, your first wish is to fly the crappy luck dragon? Really? 

Finding a $20 bill in the pocket of a jacket you haven't worn in a while. Sliding into a hole in the wall restaurant out of desperation and having the best meal of your life. A negative paternity test, regardless of your age, location, or relationship status. Bringing home a pet cat and discovering it's actually a dog. Life is full of pleasant surprises like these, so imagine our shock and pleasant surprise when this episode came to be. Not only did we receive confirmation that real, living human beings listen to our show, but one of them (You know who you are, Matthew) tossed us a flick neither of us even remembered, and it turned out to be way better than it has any right to be. Monster Squad is the gripping tale of Dracula (who has unclear motivations) raising a small platoon of classic monsters (with no clear motivations) to terrorize a town in a quest to find a gem (with unclear motivations) and the only thing standing in their way is a small band of plucky kids (with no clear motivations). However, much like the obscene amount of ketchup you toss onto your wife's cooking so you can say “yummy” through gritted teeth and visible tears, it just works - and works pretty darn well. The classic monster look, mixed with decent acting and comedic timing that's on point, combine to make a movie that went from slipping under our radar, to gathering the kids for a classic 80's movie night while they break their necks rolling their eyes and calling us old. Fatherhood is an eternal joy. Turn the lights low, light some candles, and put the spooky music on, as Jay and Benny haunt their way through such scary topics as: Matthew started the fire, and more of you have come forward with gasoline. If you listen to our show, and want us to watch something and talk about it, please reach out to us on Facebook, Tik Tok, Instagram, our website, carrier pigeon, horse courier, etc. There's something to be said about the monster choices in this movie. This is the classic 50's Dracula, complete with broach, cape, and bat transformation. And he does a fantastic job of being menacing while still classy Werewolf ends up being one of the most compelling characters in the entire movie. We love his arc, right up to his “thank you” at death Rudy is a...perplexing...character. He's an absolute badass of a stud, who also desperately wants to be part of a group of smaller, nerdy kids obsessed with monsters. That isn't typically how life works The interactions between Sean and his dad are fantastic, and remind us of a couple of great moments in The Gate. Family familiarity and chemistry are really hard to fake in a movie, and Monster Squad succeeds where so many other movies have failed The comedic timing is great. Cuts between comments like “2,000 year old dead guys don't get up and walk on their own” and an immediate clip of a 2,000 year old dead guy walking on his own. Or the monster squad joining hands with a dog paw thrown in and someone asking how the dog got up into the treehouse. These are little things, but they make a big difference in the quality of a movie The 80's musical montage of the kids getting ready to fight the monsters include Rudy making real, live, silver bullet ammunition in a school shop class. Methinks this would be frowned upon If you aren't kicking wolfman in the nards, we don't know who you are anymore One would think that the police would have a better strategy to fight these monsters than to lay down their firearms and charge into hand-to-hand combat Do yourself a favour and watch this movie to the end, so you can enjoy the closing credits monster squad rap. This is real. It is a real song you will experience. For real

Have you ever been without something or someone for so long that you ache from places deep within yourself? And when you finally become reacquainted, the crushing realization that reality will never live up to expectation washes over every fiber of your being and leaves you a convulsing, sobbing waste of human life? Well put on some of that extra runny mascara and squeeze into your party dresses, because after a longer than anticipated hiatus due to all sorts of disasters only a middle aged family man would ever have to deal with, Jay and Benny are back! And what better way to celebrate our return than with an absolute dumpster fire of an animated movie, based on a flaming crap heap of an 80's cartoon, which spawned frustratingly inarticulate action figures, all of which Benny somehow loves more than life itself? Transformers - the 1986 cartoon, not the abominations that Michael Bay crapped out after a night of shooting motor oil into his genitals - really is a movie from our youths that should never have existed. From half the Autobots we grew up loving being gang executed in the first 5 minutes, to Orson Welles gasping out Unicron lines while being resuscitated on a hospital gurney, this movie is a shining example of the power of nostalgia. Sure, Optimus Prime rocket jet-leaping into battle and “arise Rodimus Prime” are goosebump-inducing moments, but this is one of those movies that we love solely because of the time in our lives that it represents. When we had all the time in the world. When our biggest concern was having to eat an extra veggie for dinner. When our main sorrow came from having to put Optimus Prime and Megatron down for dinner. All of those moments before growing up, getting a job and raising a family absolutely annihilated our wills to live. It sure as heck isn't because this is a good movie, because it absolutely is not. Transform and roll out with us, and watch this movie through the lenses of a 9 year old as we dive back into our childhoods and talk about things like: Can this movie's cast calm the #$%@$ down? Orson Welles, Eric Idle, Judd Nelson, Leonard Nimoy, Robert Stack, Casey Casem...say what you will about the movie, but the production team didn't skimp on the talent We feel as though there was a better way to introduce new characters than having most of the ones we loved getting unceremoniously gunned down in cold blood. Ironhide getting a Megatron cannon to the skull? Cold blooded While we're on the subject, it isn't as if they committed genocide so that awesome new characters could take their place. Is Arcee better than Ratchet? Is Kup better than Ironhide? Should Blur even be allowed to exist in this world? We think not Jay can kiss Benny's posterior; Stan Bush wrote the soundtrack to our lives. I dare you to play Dare and not rock the heck out This entire mess of a movie produced two moments that you will Youtube again and again. Optimus exploding into the air to gun down Decepticons is the animated kids movie equivalent of Rambo opening up a 50 cal on Myanmar soldiers Ultra Magnus is far more of a repugnant coward than we remember him being. From aggressively not caring about comrades presumably dying, to clawing away at the Matrix while he's gunned down into pieces, he's sniveling and worthless Most of the side stories are completely pointless. The ocean world gives us an annoying child to entertain Hot Rod, Kup, and Grimlock, and the junk planet gives us horrible looking robots who conveniently have interstellar spaceships ready to launch. Yes, we get it...here are shark and motorcycle robots for you to consume, little piglets The final fight between Hot Rod and Galvatron/Unicron is cheesy, terribly animated, and makes no sense. It's also one of Benny's favourite moments in all of movie history, so take that however you like

Imagine being present during the golden age of the dinosaurs, or traveling back to witness the rise of Athens, the fall of Rome, or the incredible first flight of the Wright brothers. The awe and wonder you would feel watching those first few moments of the moon landing, or the emotional ride of Banting and Best taking their first steps towards saving the lives of millions of people every year. Well, now is your chance to turn the clock back and witness a moment that is of equal gravity and impact on the history of the human species. Jay and Benny are proud to present a B-Side more anticipated and coveted than anything hacks like The Beatles and NIN ever crapped out. While we sort out a couple of mid-life crisis situations, and while Jay uses medication to hold down his vomit while editing our upcoming Transformers (1986) episode, please enjoy this short introduction prologue - the first episode we ever recorded, which has lain dormant and unreleased until this moment. Join us at the very start of our podcast journey, before movies like Krull and Remo Williams crushed what little happiness and hope we held in our hearts, as we explore such random garbage as: How stupid Loot Crate and its ilk are Collecting something you love is fine. Collecting it until your bank account is empty is...not fine Did you know that they made a Babylon 5 John Sheridan action figure? A lot of people like us are bringing their kids up with the original Star Wars, not the new trash fire being presented. What will Disney do in 5-10 years when they start demanding more Luke, Han and Leia? FYI; in the 90's, there was no Star Wars. People like us kept it alive by slogging through games like Rebel Assault. You're welcome Simpler times, when we were younger, and thoroughly enjoyed watching someone else play a video game like Dark Forces. While having to eat chips in the kitchen. Long story Please read the Expanded Universe Star Wars books. Please. If you are even remotely unsatisfied with where the new trilogy went, these books will cleanse your soul Us spending 10 minutes trying to justify the structure and content of our show

Since the dawn of cinema, sequels have always been a dicey proposition. As the media is oft to tell us, fans are absolute monsters and barely register as human, and as such, can be fickle and unreasonable with how they receive follow-ups to their favourite properties. Some sequels meet even the most jaded fan expectations, and provide quality and worthy continuations of fantastic starts - think Winter Soldier, Terminator 2, and Wrath of Khan. In other cases, you get movies like Last Jedi, Speed 2, and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, all being served by Howard the Duck in a Miniskirt as he squats over your table and colon-dumps onto your plate. However, once in a long while, you get a sequel that not only manages to reach the level of expectation set upon it by demanding fans, but in many ways surpasses the original source material and becomes legendary in its own right. Empire Strikes Back is an obvious example of this, but in this episode, we get to talk about another absolute gem of sequel legend - 2010: The Year We Make Contact. Strap into your command chair and join Jay and Benny as we blast off into Jupiter orbit, and enjoy one of the best sequels in movie history. 2001 is a tough act to follow because of the whole...you know...absolute artistry and generation-defining storyline. However, 2010 inexplicably knocks it out of the park with a compelling follow-up to the events of the previous film, while adding incredible acting, solid storytelling, and themes of unity and camaraderie against all odds. 2010 is a rare gem in the world of sequels for an obvious yet often overlooked reason - it respects and honours the original material, using it as a springboard to continue a story that makes existing fans happy, while providing an accessible journey to new ones. We wish more studious would take note of this *cough Disney Star Wars cough*. Avoid staring directly at the monolith as we explore such topics as: With two minutes of computer mission review text, the viewer is perfectly brought up to speed on the events of the previous movie. If you never saw 2001, these two minutes would have you perfectly positioned to enjoy the movie. Why don't more sequels do this? Russia and the US are close to an all out war, yet the scientist interactions between both nations are presented with the right amount of intrigue and cooperation. The growing friendship between the two nations' crews is one of the best parts of this movie If you're like Benny, and you have an abnormally strong dislike of women with pronounced chin dimples, you're going to HATE Floyd's wife Dave is a returning character, playing a pivotal role in story development. He is a beloved character that is treated with respect and dignity. Last Jedi is absolute garbage Enough good things cannot be said about the growing relationships between space crews. From Floyd's fatherly comforting of a young Russian officer to John Lithgow's buddy Max, the viewer is treated to enemies slowly becoming friends in a universe that doesn't allow it Dear NASA: We get it. There's clay on Mars. Awesome. How about you get around to launching a drill probe so we can all say hello to the sentient squid race under Europa's icy crust? Pretty please?

30 years ago, if you were to tell us that one of our favourite movies of all time would feature ridiculous looking puppets, a young woman struggling with the emotional burden of having to grow up, and a tarted up rock star complete with musical acts and dance sequences, we would have called you crazy and stomped off to play with our Transformers and Star Wars toys. 30 years later; 30 years of additional movies, TV shows, books and comics, video games and magazines, and still...very few things come close to the imagination, quality, and brilliance of Labyrinth. Very few properties conjure feelings of awe, excitement, and dread, while thoroughly entertaining and constantly making the audience think of underlying ideas and concepts, the way that Labyrinth does. We'll be the first to admit - this movie isn't for everyone. But we promise you that a more unique, creative and well-executed film you will have a difficult time finding. Travel into the Goblin King's domain with us as we revisit a timeless classic we had almost forgotten about. If you've never seen Labyrinth before, grab your kids and snuggle in for a fun and charming journey, complete with humour, adorable characters, and a magical view of the struggles of growing up. If you've seen Labyrinth before, you can remind yourself of how incredible Jim Henson's creations were, and how much this movie shaped your childhood - even if you didn't think it did. Regardless, you will laugh, you will smile, and you will be entertained. No jokes or self-deprecating commentary in this episode write up; Labyrinth is awesome, and we love every bit of it. Saddle up Ambrosius and ride into battle with us as we talk about things like: Benny is a simple man. A very, shockingly simple man. As such, he absolutely didn't put it together and realize that the entire story was about Sarah ‘s struggle to let go of childhood and grow up Sarah lives with her dad and stepmom, and her younger baby brother is a half brother. It's a level of familial complexity we didn't expect from a movie of the time There are some classic roles that make it almost impossible to imagine anyone else playing them; the Goblin King is one of them. David Bowie is fantastic, and everything about him is perfect for the role The amount of work he put into it, including showing up with complete scores, is a level of dedication no one was expecting. And based on his performance, you can tell he loved every second of it Yes, they're Muppets. Yes, real humans acting alongside them makes this even more abundantly clear. And yes, they look incredible and suit the movie perfectly  With the exception of one song (YOU know which one we're talking about) the musical numbers are fun and whimsical Unbelievably, the character of Hoggle has a full character development arc, and is deeper and more sympathetic than most characters in movies we've reviewed to date (*cough* Remo *cough*) We are almost positive that Jim Henson made Ambrosius specifically for Benny

Is it an homage to classic 70's kung-fu movies, complete with an old master teaching a young and impatient prodigy the mystic and ancient ways of combat? Perhaps it's a tongue-in-cheek popcorn action movie, poking fun at itself while projecting chaotic and entertaining action sequences with reckless abandon? Or is it a poignant commentary on shadow organizations and the futility - and risks - of embracing an assassinate evil policy to address the world's issues? Well, your guess is as good as ours, and we're pretty sure the people who made this movie didn't know either. Just like the pile of vomit Benny's dog helpfully deposits on the one patch of carpeted floor in the house every week, Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins is a jumbled patty of everything mentioned here - vomit included. Hold on to Ferris wheels, steel pipes hanging off the side of the Statue of Liberty, and any other ridiculous object you can grasp as we try our best to understand what the hell is going on in this movie. We're pretty sure Remo Williams was supposed to cash in on all of the crazy action movies tearing up the box office at the time, but fell victim to a combination of starring someone no one has ever heard of before (or after), and being absolutely bonkers-level insane. Seriously, we have no idea what happened in this thing, or why, or how. We just know that it was two hours of absolute insanity. And not good insanity, like a pile of puppies all fighting to give you kisses. We're talking bad insanity, like when you drop napalm-quality farts in the car, and secretly lock the windows so you can revel in your family members crying, frantically fumbling with buttons, and dry heaving uncontrollably. Happy summer! If you can stomach it, strap in while Jay and Benny waste your time discussing such things as: Remo's elderly Asian instructor wasn't played by an Asian person. Let's just get that out of the way Remo Williams won an actual, for real Oscar for makeup, because of the work done to make someone non-Asian look Asian. We'll get that out of the way as well One final thing to get out of the way: Chiun is far and away the best character in this movie, and almost makes it worth the watch. Joel Grey's acting is fantastic, the lines he delivers are well-timed, and he's the most likeable person in this entire disaster While completely unintentional, this movie does a great job making the audience really think about the implications of assassination. Killing off the world's worst people sounds great in theory, but is it? Remo's training throughout the movie feels like it's less martial arts, and more a mix of goofy parkour and kids on YouTube risking their lives for a few likes At one point, the bad guys pay three random construction workers $20 each to literally murder a human being. And they have absolutely no problem with this arrangement Remember in The Matrix, when Neo dodged bullets and it was the coolest thing you had ever seen? Well, Remo dodges bullets as well. It is absolutely not the coolest thing you have ever seen Someone get me the name of the dog trainer used in this movie, because the guard dogs that attack Remo are smarter than Benny. That isn't saying much, but still Fred Ward, who played Remo, has a filmography with Tremors and Joe Dirt at the top of it. Just saying

Imagine inventing a technology that can shrink anything, like a manned submarine, to the point where it can exist within another living creature. Aside from the childlike wonder and excitement that would come from a new frontier of exploration, the implications to healthcare, biomechanics, civilian and military engineering, would be absolutely staggering. Hold that image in your heads, dear listeners. Now imagine collecting the contents of a neglected septic system, carelessly attaching it to an industrial pump, and absolutely dousing this magical technology with steaming, horrific no-no juice halfway through a demonstration. Welcome to Innerspace - a frontier that would have been awesome if most of the movie didn't get in the way. Join us as we do our best to make it through a movie that is a fantastic concept and stunning special effects, supported by the shaky legs of a convoluted plot, poorly developed characters, and absolute wastes of actors we grew up loving. What started as a slightly light hearted heist/sci-fi journey into an unwitting human subject's body inexplicably transformed into a shoddy slapstick, from Martin Short basically being Grimes to the main villains being literal ankle-gnawing gnomes. Toss in a shockingly unstable relationship that turns into a poorly conceived and unbelievable love story? At this point, why the hell not. If you can stomach it, stick yourself into syringe and inject yourself into this disappointment as we discuss such hard hitting subjects as: We cannot stress enough how dysfunctional the romance between Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan is. A psychologist could make their career writing about it The primary baddie takes his queues from the Terminator, from his stiff robotic movements to his weapon appendages. He also loves killing people in a mall with a finger gun, so there's that One of the redeeming qualities of this film are the sequences inside the body. The red blood cells, the arterial walls, and the submersible all look absolutely fantastic. It's a shame they were wasted Innerspace shares something in common with Flight of the Navigator: Both films hit a sudden fork in the road, with one direction leading to a competent, coherent and entertaining movie, while the other direction leads to bonkers slapstick and visual garbage. And both films steered HARD to the bonkers side Martin Short, Andrea Martin and Joe Flaherty - SCTV alum all - combine in a scene and do absolutely nothing of value. It's like buying a Ferrari and then parking it in a dark garage, never to see the light of day The Cowboy. This is a character that exists. What his purpose is, we cannot tell you Talk about a complete opposite; Tuck's fight against the bad guy inside Martin Short is one of the best moments we have seen in a movie to date. Short and Ryan's fight against ridiculous shrunken bad guys while driving a car just makes us feel sad One good thing came of this movie; Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan fell in love and got married. Theirs is a legendary love, one that lasted throughout the age

Are you ready to blast off into outer space for a rip-roaring adventure that's out of this galaxy? Setting your phasers to stun...ning acting and character development, resulting in roles you actually care about and are emotionally invested in? Initiating warp speed to get through every moment of a well-written and even better paced story with depth and memorable moments? Well, Return of the Jedi was three years earlier than whatever this abomination of a film is trying to be, so you might want to break out your trilogy DVDs, toss on that abandoned Chewbacca hoodie you left in your dog's crate as a blanket, and cry yourself to sleep, because this ride is going to burn you up on reentry. This week's movie is Space Camp. You probably don't remember it, most likely because your mind has erased the memory to protect your fragile psyche. All of the ingredients of a solid movie are there - brilliant kids attending NASA space camp, a plucky robot sidekick, and a space walk to remember. But just like every meal that Benny tries to cook for his ungrateful family, the ingredients don't work if you literally poop them onto a tray without any strategy or care. Honestly, we don't even have the heart to write some elaborate description of this one. It just hurts. And to think...we always thought the Challenger incident was the worst look NASA could wear. Woof.  Let's all chant “don't choose any more movies that only Jay watched” while we discuss such galactic topics as: Did you know that, before knocking it out of the park in roles like in The Joker and Gladiator, Joaquin Phoenix used to be a human child? And a garbage actor at that? The main characters of this movie might as well have been copied out of a cliché textbook; hot brainy chick, strong ambitious woman ready to learn humility, brilliant practical guy who is always second guessed, and carefree loner who has to learn how to be a leader. And by copy, we mean badly scribbled in crayon We both relate to the Rudy character...we all adore science, but don't have the brains for it. That's why Benny majored in ancient fart jokes for his undergrad. Student loans well spent! Little Phoenix thinks that the world is Star Wars and he's Luke Skywalker. That is until the loner/leader rips his heart out and craps all over it The robot...we don't have adequate words to express how annoying and bizarre the robot is. Equally baffling is the complete indifference all characters have to what amounts to sentient AI In order to get little Phoenix into space, the robot causes a space shuttle error during a test firing that only has “full and complete launch into outer space” as the solution. This sounds like a bit of a design flaw For all our complaining, some of the NASA scenes make us feel like giddy kids all over again. Seeing teams of scientists scramble to solve problems with cool and calm, right down to communication and reentry windows reminds us of just how incredible our journey into the stars has been Space Camp continues the baffling 80's tradition of ending a movie with absolutely zero closure or coherence - simply some stock footage and an abrupt credit role

Normally, the terms “campy 80's horror” and “heartwarming solid story telling” go together about as well as “Jay” and “healthy gastro-intestinal operation” or “Benny” and “underwear devoid of faint brown streaks”. However, this is one of those rare and beautiful exceptions to the rule, and also serves as a fantastic palate cleanser after we had to choke down the dry turd-nugget that was Buckaroo Banzai. The Gate is, quite honestly, one of the better light-horror movies you could hope to watch - an interesting idea, fantastic characters, and unsettling scenes mixed with some genuinely frightening moments result in a well paced, well acted and memorable film that succeeds in extolling the virtues of family and friendship as much as it promotes unease and fear. Join us as we jump into that symbolic hole in the ground and explore a movie that really had it all going for it. The story is simple and mildly cheesy, but that makes it easy to follow and light to digest. Solid casting gives you a family unit that actually feels and acts like a core group that cares deeply about one another. The special effects, while a bit...80's...at times, are some of the best effects we have seen in a movie ever, let alone one from 35 years ago. Sure, it has its “what the hell” moments, but we enjoyed the heck out of it. If you're eager for an 80's scare flick without unnecessary gore, graphic nudity, or vapid and poorly written characters, The Gate will not disappoint you.  Throw on your patch-covered football jacket and grab your ridiculously detailed death metal album as we dive headfirst into the gaping maw of hell to discuss things like: Before he was giving Blade a hard time as Deacon Frost, Stephen Dorff was an adorable kid cutting his teeth in movies like this. We always assumed he was just born as an early 20's vampire Even if you refuse to watch this quality movie, please search Youtube for a short clip of the minions. We cannot stress enough how absolutely jaw dropping their design and effects are Benny loves dogs more than he loves his own kids. If you're like Benny, you're going to have a hard time with this movie. The family has a dog, and the dog definitely doesn't experience a smooth ride to put it very mildly Forget Stranger Things; The Gate NAILS the 80's look, from wardrobe to makeup and everything in between We know that vinyl is a thing again, but this movie really takes us back to when record albums were works of art, complete with exclusive photos and themed write-ups Whoever was responsible for casting deserves a shout out, at the very least. Dorff and his sister have some genuinely warm moments that give you pause and make you think that they are actually family First, Leviathan made us dry heave by putting a toothy mouth onto a hand. Now The Gate doubles down with an incredibly articulated eyeball in Dorff's palm. Forget jump scares and decapitations - this is REAL horror The Gerry character is surprisingly deep and nuanced. His life is a mess, and is crushed under his circumstances in a way that makes the viewer sympathize for him as much as they do the main characters SERIOUSLY: LOOK UP A VIDEO OF THE MINIONS. We still can't believe how incredible they look, and how spectacular they integrate into the movie

The term “cult classic” is one that we run into quite often on this show, as well as in our personal lives. It's a term that means something - it's used sparingly, and often elicits images of forever memorable moments and characters that will outlive time itself. A cult classic is a film that, despite some flaws and quirks, defines the very soul of a generation. It's a moment in time that changes entire segments of the film industry, and seizes its place upon the throne of movie history with tenacity and justification. And then there's The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. If the obnoxious movie title isn't your first hint, buckle up, cowboy. These episode write-ups are usually a lot of fun to dive into, because regardless of how good or bad a film is, we know that the people involved in making them were honestly and truly trying to create something to entertain. We'll rip the band-aid off right here and now - Buckaroo Banzai is not a good movie. Between Peter Weller being perpetually unable to stop being Robocop, the random vomit-bowl of an incoherent story, and special effects that scream “we literally don't give a crap about you, let alone our own legacies in this industry”, the only thing that's memorable about this cinematic bag of smashed arseholes is how truly awful it is. Remember, kids...just because an 80's movie is “different”, “unique” and “out there”, it doesn't make it a cult classic or...you know...tolerable in any way, shape or form. We use the same terminology to describe my younger daughter, and all that means is that we're saving up for her impending court costs and psychotherapy. I mean, if you really want to, you can sit through us yammering about such crap as: Buckaroo Banzai is a brilliant neurosurgeon, who got bored and became an expert in particle physics, drives rocket cars that break through dimensional barriers, is a practicing samurai, and is the lead in a band filled with heavily armed band mates. Sure, I guess The 80's had a very brief yet aggressive love affair with Japanese culture. This movie didn't just have a love affair; it had to have a restraining order filed against it Another film filled with all-star actors throwing a performance for the ages. I'm sure they go to Comic Cons and bask in the adulation of hipsters praising this garbage film, but they must secretly hate themselves for ever being involved in the movie to begin with In breaking through the 8th dimension (skipping 4-7 I suppose?) Buckaroo inadvertently opened a gateway to space Jamaica, because the aliens are literal Rastafarians The love story between Buckaroo and Penny is truly off-putting. Not only is there zero chemistry between the two characters, but they both act so weird and awkward that you end up rooting against them There's some side story about the president being in traction in the hospital, and some random plot about having to launch a nuclear strike against Russia because the “good” aliens will fake some attack so Russia attacks America. Or something. Honestly, if you think this movie is a “classic”, something is wrong with you Just like Mac and Me, this movie commits the ultimate jinx with it's “see us for the next adventure” bullcrap Honestly, we just don't care at this point. The movie is such an awful mess that we want to go into a truck stop bathroom and cry in a shower while eating soap flakes

To All 7 of our Fans - Welcome to Season 2 of You Deserve Medals! The year is 1989. Hollywood, in a sudden and brief burst of fascination with the deep ocean, produces two distinct blockbusters months apart, both dealing with the dark and mysterious depths of our undiscovered seas. One of those movies would be directed by an absolute legend and pioneer, leading an all-star cast through a deep and meaningful story while creating and utilizing groundbreaking special effects which forever changed movie production technology. The other one was...none of those things. A horribly written story with unlikable characters and a poorly conceived horror plot with equally horrendous special effects, all exacerbated by a one-dimensional lead actor who approaches every role sounding like a half-robot police officer. Naturally, you can probably guess which movie we landed on for this episode. Join Jay and Benny as we strap on our pressure suits and chug some alien-DNA-changing vodka and dive feet-first into the absolute gong-show that is Leviathan. A plucky crew of underwater miners find a sunken Soviet ship and unwittingly uncover...something? Is it an alien? A failed genetic experiment? Your guess is as good as ours. All we know is that this attempt at horror is so unintentionally hilarious and horrible at the same time that we don't know what to do with our lives. Pro-tip: If you're ever a mile deep into the Atlantic and find some old alcohol in a ship that was torpedoed under mysterious circumstances, you probably shouldn't put it inside you. Slip on those flippers and check your O2 levels as we discuss such hard-hitting details as: Any time a character in a movie talks about how they have a finite number of days left before they get to enjoy permanent peace and tranquility, you know they're going to die horribly. And this movie doesn't disappoint Carlos from Batteries Not Included makes an appearance, which is one of the spookier coincidences we've ever experienced. I mean, what are the odds? Relentless, painfully obvious and neutrally received sexual harassment is almost its own supporting character At some point early on, Peter Weller decided that he would approach every single one of his acting roles with the same sound and cadence as Robocop, and it just makes him sound unsettling We get that the disease the crew catches is reprogramming their DNA and changing them into something else, but it definitely is one of the more visually disgusting illness portrayals in a movie   There's a reason why all of the computers and equipment in this movie look similar to Aliens. Mildly curious? Listen to the episode to be marginally satisfied! Evil-Lyn plays generic heartless corporate leader, and has several head-scratching scenes which just seem to have been extended and cut without her doing something vital to progress the story The weapons in this movie - futuristic chainsaws and flamethrowers - SHOULD be the most awesome looking things ever. Spoiler alert: They are not For someone who just lost his entire crew of friends, the chief doesn't seem to feel any of the weight of loss, what with his pithy one-liners and face punching after being rescued

Just like Benny stopping randomly in a supermarket and pinching his buttcheeks to prevent a pant-crapping, we all have things in our lives that we internalize. Whether we exchange whispers with close friends or shower Twitter with our hot takes, eventually those pent-up thoughts need to erupt and bathe passers by with a gooey dose of personal truth and perspective. In news that may shock and upset all 8 of our listeners, Jay and Benny are Star Wars fans. Not just “I saw part of that one with the little soccer ball robot and it was cute” fans, but “I just finished clocking over 80 hours in KOTOR, and I'm going to do it all over again but this time I'll do all the bad things to see the dark side ending” fans. And, since everyone and their creepy uncle is posting their thoughts on the daily goings-on over at Lucasfilm, we thought we would toss our own two credits in and discuss the current state of Star Wars in our super special pre-season-two super special. Or something like that. Join two grown men fighting off early onset type-2 diabetes as they take a deep dive into Star Wars today. From the early days, to the dark times of the 90's when books and video games were all we had, to how horrible the new trilogy is (without using words like “wamen”, “cuck” or “SJW”), Jay and Benny talk about a truly childhood and industry defining IP - where it was, where it is, and where it seems to be going. If you've ever played TIE Fighter through dozens of times, took turns hammering away at Dark Forces while being berated by an OCD friend for eating chips outside of the kitchen, or watched Last Jedi and said to yourself “there are about 37,761 things wrong with this movie, and absolutely none of them are political”, then this episode is for you.  May the Force be with you...because it's sure as hell on the ropes right now.

When is a sci-fi movie not a sci-fi movie? In this case, it's when someone puts a computer brain into a lab-grown 10 year old human body husk, and spends the entire film showing it having human interactions while generating all the excitement of a filling at the dentist. Is the movie you're left with serviceable? Yes. Is it about as memorable as the wet fart you ripped at your child's birthday party six years ago? You betcha. Welcome to the latest episode of You Deserve Medals, featuring D.A.R.Y.L, a mid-80's family romp with a story premise as ridiculous as the title's acronym.  Join Jay and Benny in our official last episode of Season 1 of the You Deserve Medals podcast, as we dive face-first into yet another movie that Benny remembers vaguely - yet fondly - as one of the greatest films he has ever watched in his entire life, only to discover that it isn't any of that at all. It isn't terrible...it really isn't much of anything. It's a movie, with a robot boy who wants to be a real boy in a real family. Will he age along with the rest of his family, or stay a young boy forever as he awaits the ravages of time to eventually claim his cortex? Will his intelligence and memory cap out like most computers? Will a 1993 Packard Bell Pentium II make fun of him for being a dinosaur? These are things that no one thinks about, because you'll probably forget this movie a few days after watching it. Grab yourself a copy of Pole Position, throw on a God-awful teal coloured baseball outfit, and strap into an SR-71 with us as we discuss such vitally important topics as: This movie has one of the worst musical scores we have encountered thus far. And considering we barely made it out of Krull with our lives, that's saying a lot From the old couple who find Daryl in the woods wearing a fancy suit, to the adoption agency director, to the parents who adopt him, no one seems to give a hot crap about how Daryl got where he is. Like, no one is asking questions Apparently, orphanages in the 80's were like Chuck E Cheeses' with a room full of cots. If you're going to, say, lose your parents in a horrific accident, an orphanage in Daryl looks like an awesome place to land in Pro tip to all movies - past, present and future - to show a character being really amazing at video games, speeding up the gameplay speed makes absolutely no sense Turtle is the redeeming glue that holds this movie together. Every time we thought it was time to start loading the off-switch revolver, he said or did something that entertained us enough to stave off the sweet release of death a little while longer You're a foster family who have adopted a young boy. He's become part of your life and you love him. Then some random couple show up with a few Photoshopped pictures of the kid and no one asks any questions before letting them take him. This seems normal When the military decides to destroy an experimental AI android, the most effective path is to allow the creating scientist, who has repeatedly fought the decision, to destroy the AI behind closed doors with absolutely no witness or surveillance This movie reminds us of just how cool the SR-71 Blackbird was. When it was being test flown, people all over the southern US spiked the number of UFO sightings, and there's no surprise as to why “Brain death! Brain death! Just so you know, we'll say it an obscene amount of times!”

Most of the time, we both have memories of the films we choose, no matter how vague and nightmarish they may be. Then there is the odd occasion when one of us takes full blame for a disaster appearing on the wheel of fate. Last time, Benny subjected everyone to the skateboarding/murder mystery/Vietnamese tourism film Gleaming the Cube. This time, Jay dove into the dumpster of time and dragged out The Black Hole, a 1979 Disney romp through space and...well, black holes. We know what you're thinking - the last time we threw on bell bottoms and strutted back to the 70's for this show, things got...weird. There was horrible acting, romantically aggressive robots, disco dancing, and the hair...sweet merciful lord the hair. And while Black Hole retains those fabulous 70's manes, it also manages to give you an absolutely solid sci-fi adventure. This movie is not only one of the best ones we've covered to date, but it left us feeling the same as when our wives and kids leave us the %$^# alone for an hour on a weekend - pleasantly surprised.   Join us as we dive into black hole science before it actually existed, as the Earth crew unravel a mystery and overcome impossible odds while fighting robots, human/robot zombie hybrids, and a mad genius hell-bent on flying into a gravitational anomaly because why the hell not. With a story, characters, and special effects as solid as I wish my stool was, The Black Hole is a hidden movie gem that absolutely deserves a watch. Strap in to your launch chair and prep for a singularity like no other as we cover such cosmic topics as: Vincent is one of the best sci-fi movie robots, hands down. From his dialogue, to realistic movements and general baddassery, he even gives R2D2 a run for his money The evil robots, while a bit stiff legged, just look cool. Their commanding robot, with rapid blending blade hands and eerily expressive blank face, is even cooler A little-known 70's science fiction flick doesn't typically enjoy acting of this caliber, with Hans Reinhart stealing the show countless times The religious undertones sneak up on you and then hit you like a sledgehammer near the end, with everything from ceremonial robot funerals to Reinhart literally burning in hell Apparently, ESP between human and robot exists for some reason, and it ends up being incredibly useful for the crew. And before you complain about ESP working with robots, here's a little sacred...ESP doesn't actually exist, so just enjoy the movie This is honestly classic sci-fi at it's best, with the crew exploring a massive spacecraft and slowly piecing the clues together. What it lacks in razzle dazzle, it more than makes up for with compelling storytelling Vincent and his friend Dallas discover the secret behind the drones and have to kill a couple of evil robots, and hide their bodies. Apparently, hiding means casually tossing their smouldering corpses behind an open-concept desk for all to see Eric, the science officer, gets completely gut-blended by evil robot captain's blade hands, and manages to be incredibly brutal despite not showing any gore  The human/robot hybrid drones thankfully stay fully masked for the vast majority of the movie, because whoever designed their faces deserves a special effects Oscar for “scariest crap we have ever seen” The ending will leave you with some questions, to put it mildly

Are you ready for a heartwarming story about a young boy, befriending an alien lost and far from home while its relatives wander a frightening new landscape in search of their lost child? How about a lesson in friendship and determination, as two people from different worlds work together to overcome obstacles while discovering the true meaning of family? We would have LOVED all of that, but we already reviewed E.T. a few episodes ago, so now we have to slum it a bit. Welcome to Mac and Me, the nightmarish union of a certain fast food chain and feverish nightmares induced by tainted cocaine and decades of emotional trauma. Reluctantly join us as we bravely march in front of you, shielding you from one of the most bizarre movies the 80's ever produced. Is it a true sci-fi cult classic in the purest sense? Or is it an hour and a half of insanity that single-handedly paid many a psychotherapist's salary? We aren't sure, but we're pretty confident that a healthy amount of recreational narcotics were involved in the writing and directing of this thing. Mac and Me is technically a movie, in the same way that Benny's kids are technically children - they exist, but they disappoint everyone who lays eyes on them.  Grab a Quarter pounder, crack laced fries and a bucket-sized cup of soda as Jay and Benny ponder such chicken nuggets as: It's 2021. If the NASA of Mac and Me can fly an autonomous probe to an extra-solar world, gather samples and entire alien families, and return to earth unscathed, when do we get our robot drilling into the oceans of Europa? Can 80's movies please find some kids who can actually act? Because this movie certainly couldn't Nothing screams 80's like a square van with shag benches and venetian blinds on the windows We would be remiss not to mention that there are very few moments in life when a wheelchair-bound child falling off a cliff is hilarious. Welcome to one of those moments Can the costume designers of this movie take it easy and dial the nightmare fuel down a few notches? The flesh-coloured naked aliens wandering the desert still haunt us to this day The only thing more disturbing than a 10 minute dance montage in a McDonald's restaurant is the gang of hoodlums aggressively attack-dancing at federal agents We cannot stress enough how absolutely, mind-bendingly bonkers the last 15 minutes of this movie are. The entire tone and mood takes such a hard right turn that your neck will be sore for days Seriously, we mean it. This movie goes from light hearted alien-buddy flick to what-the-actual-$@%# with guns, gas stations blowing up, aliens walking out of flames, and wheelchair kids dying We don't want to spoil anything, but there is an alternate fate for wheelchair kid. It is absolutely worth looking up, and will forever change your life

Some of our favourite movie memories from the 80's and 90's involve creatures that capture the imaginations of children everywhere - Dinosaurs. From the industry-shaking special effect innovations, through compelling stories invoking a sense of wonder and awe, to the wonderfully written characters only matched by their equally brilliant directing, dinosaur movies shaped our childhoods and set lofty benchmarks for what a true classic should be. Unfortunately for you, in this episode of You Deserve Medals, we drag our (and your) sanity through almost two hours of a dinosaur movie that is absolutely none of any of that. Join Jay and Benny as they suffer through one of the more nonsensical and depressing adventure movies to come out of our memories - Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend. A family of terrifyingly monstrous brontosaurus we're supposed to sympathize with, and who spend the entire movie suffering horrible tragedies because why not - check. Anthropologists quite literally murdering one another in broad daylight because academia is a gang war - check. A married couple with no military or combat training, taking on an entire platoon of heavily armed soldiers without any consequence to them whatsoever - check. An ending that leaves you hollow and emotionally devastated - check. Eat your heart out, Spielberg - THIS is a dinosaur movie for the ages. Swallow what little happiness you have left in your life and slog along with us as we discuss things like: Was this movie written and directed by the Africa Tourism Board? Because the majority of the introduction looks like it's straight out of a travel commercial As two grown men battling severe spider phobias, we can't understand how this ill-prepared couple can traipse around the African jungle, with no adequate survival gear, and never encounter a deadly spider, lizard, snake, scorpion, or bug, let alone malaria-laced mosquitoes. Their entire time in the wilderness gives us the willies We hope the person responsible for designing the dinosaur eyes never worked in Hollywood afterwards. Good lord Don't worry, dad won't let mom and baby get kidnapped. Just kidding! He'll fail miserably and die in an absolutely brutal hail of machine gun fire, and proceed to rot in the sun over the next several days. Uplifting! We cannot stress enough how disturbing this entire chunk of the movie is. From the dad getting gunned down, to him dying next to his mate's body, to baby snuggling next to his rotting corpse days later, the movie leaves you with a sense of emptiness and sorrow The married couple are very into one another, which is great. Their complete and constant lack of self-control, however, cost everyone everything Can everyone in this movie ease up on the baseball bat-sized tranquilizer darts? They love drugging the mom dinosaur so much that it takes up entire scenes Whoever played the tribe leader deserves all the Oscars ever. The man's shoulders must have been aching from the strain of carrying this movie The ending is supposed to be happy, but has some serious implications for the survival of the species

Are you ready to break out the latest issue of Thrasher magazine, kick off your airwalks, and down a Tab? Psyched to blast some Suicidal Tendencies on your tape deck while tightening the trucks on your deck and dreaming about landing that sweet 360 inward heel flip at the local abandoned swimming pool? Does absolutely none of this make sense to you? Well, it obviously didn't to anyone involved in the making of Gleaming the Cube either, a righteously confusing movie about solving crime and uncovering strife in the Vietnamese community, while also featuring a little bit of skateboarding. Join Jay and Benny as we backside heelflip face-first into this mind-numbing adventure, ant try our best to carve through the mess to find the story underneath while wondering what happened to our lives. Is it a carefree story about a bunch of skateboarding rapscallions negotiating their way through high school while fighting conformity? Is it a tale of a plucky young man defying the odds to solve a crime and bring closure to his family's grief? Is it a gripping story about weird love across cultural boundaries and against all odds? Sure, what the hell. Join us as we ollie onto a rail and pray for the sweet release of death while pondering such things as: Benny's opening joke being the greatest thing ever, despite Jay's criticism If a movie could define “well, that escalated quickly”, it's this disaster. Things repeatedly go from “this might be trouble” to “aaaaand he's dead” in record time Movie songs that feature the name of the movie don't work in the best of examples; this is not one of those best examples The ongoing theme of “what's the plan, here?”, with people breaking into places with little to no actual plan in place Is there anything sexier than a cherry red convertible K-car? Why is no one talking about how disturbing and wrong the love story becomes? Slater's adopted brother was JUST put in the ground when he decides “you know what? I'm in love with his ex-girlfriend/widow”, who is equally into it. The thought of it makes Benny more and more unhinged as the episode progresses Apparently, the best thing to do when you're upset is to have a 5 minute-long Footloose-style dance montage on a skateboard, because reasons Note to the movie producers: Your stunt doubles should at least remotely look similar to the actors or actresses they are representing The detective/big brother in this movie is a walking fountain of words and phrases we can't repeat in our episode, let alone a summary. It's a fine wine you'll have to uncork and enjoy for yourself

It's 1983. You just broke the Galaga record at one of 5 billion arcades in your town, You crack open a cold can of Tab while using a stolen password to change your grades using a VIC 20's ancient cousin. Ally Sheedy is at her prime and is throwing herself at you like a slab of steak to a hungry dog, but all you want to do is play Thermonuclear War with a semi-intelligent Pentagon AI. Fully articulated remote controlled flying pterodactyl are a real thing that actually exists. Life is good. Life is also Wargames, one of the hidden gems of the 80's and a movie that should absolutely be on the top of your watchlist on a Saturday night, after the kids have gone to bed and you've finished sobbing uncontrollably over how your life has ended up. Join us as we dive into an actual, honest to goodness classic, and bask in our growing surprise at how good a movie this actually is. From the depiction of hacking and teenaged life in the early 80's, through before-its-time discourse on the dangers of artificial intelligence, to the horrifically realistic interpretation of how quickly the world could plunge into a globe-destroying war, Wargames is a fantastic movie that is wonderfully acted and doesn't take itself too seriously. If you're in the mood for an above-average 80's ‘memberberry buffet, you can't do much better.  Once Benny catches his breath from this episode, you can hear us chat about things like: Arcades were one of the true goldmines of happiness for us, and one of the big losses we lament. Watching Broderick hack away at Galaga aggressively shoves us down memory lane No sunglasses. No trenchcoats. No rave-quality EDM mixed with ridiculous one-liners. Definitely no Angelina Jolie sporting a questionable haircut and shouting “we're in”. Wargames is one of the most accurate hacking movies we have ever seen, aided by the fact that it takes place in a time when computers can barely calculate Pi Benny gushing over the nostalgia-shot to the gut brought on by all of the old computer equipment. He owned that exact modem, and participated in BBS discussions. Pro-tip: “BBS” translates into “old as a sack of dinosaur crap” to all you young listeners Jay becoming increasingly concerned with Benny's rapidly growing affection for Ally Sheedy, and his equally evolving bewilderment at Broderick's complete lack of interest in her Our quiet recognition of the fact that the almost-accidental nuclear war in this movie almost happened a number of times in real actual life, because of significantly less complex computer glitches. Sleep tight! GUESS WHAT?!? (If you're one of our five regular listeners, you'll get this when you listen to the episode) For real, there's a radio controlled flying pterodactyl and it is the greatest thing we have ever seen in our lives

Would you like to sit back with a big bowl of popcorn, toss on a snuggie with the kids, and watch a heartfelt family movie about old people in an old building being old? No? How about we toss in a generous helping of awkward relationship building and a confusing pseudo-villain? Still no? Okay...now we add a very limited amount of adorable flying robots from outer space? If your answer is still “no”, then welcome to the two hours of our lives we'll never get back - and at our age, two hours is more precious than the health and happiness of our children. Join us as we explore the real danger of Benny over-selling a movie in this whimsical and baffling sci-fi-adjacent movie about relationships, the importance of community, the eternal battle between heritage and progress, and how everything can be fixed by cute flying robots. It's a movie that depends very heavily on the audience's life experiences; if you have a relative who suffers (or suffered) from a form of dementia or Alzheimer's, this movie will hit you right in the feels and charm the absolute crap out of you...and if you haven't, then you'll look at this movie with the cold, dark, heartless, soulless eyes of a serial killer. Just like Jay! Aside from wishing a debilitating memory-destroying disease specific to watching this movie hit us, some of the things we discuss are: How Jay totally phones in the intro clip Seriously, to any listeners who grew up in New York City...did New York actually look like this back in the 80”s? In BNI, it looks like a Syrian warzone! Dementia is one of the leading characters in this movie, and it deserves an Oscar. Benny's mom went through something similar, and Jessica Tandy brought that all back. Fair warning - If you had/have a relative who suffered from something similar, this movie will hit you in ways you won't expect. I'm not crying, you're crying I get that the robots are grateful for being given a nesting home, but do the people have to use them as menial labour and berate them for not making a hamburger properly? Carlos Superman-ing a guy through a $#%@^! Wall like a savage, in one of the greatest over-reactions we have ever seen The awkward and absolutely unnecessary love story between Mason the artist and the pregnant lady whose name I can never remember Jay's story of childhood innocence shattered because of another movie featuring the previously-mentioned pregnant lady Harry the boxer is an adorable character until you realize he's a damaged boxer with a permanent brain injury Why everything about the robots? Why did they crash land on Earth? Why did they cook meals for human restaurant customers? Why did the entire robot civilization come to Earth within 24 hours to rebuild a house? Why do they eat metal? So much why

A harrowing tale of a monster terrorizing a small town. A dark government shadow organization hell-bent on capturing it. A neighbourhood shaken to its very core, and only a small group of children standing between them and a universe of horror. And a horrific looking, wrinkle-fleshed creature with super powers. Are we describing a typical cheesy 80's horror movie? No. How about Benny's emotionally and financially crushing divorce and the children driving him to an early grave? Possibly. Or is it the beloved family-friendly classic E.T. The Extra Terrestrial?  Join us as we revisit a true legend of a sci-fi masterpiece and relive all of our childhood trauma and nightmares, by exploring some of the subtle reasons why we will never watch this movie again, nor will we ever subject family and friends to it. Is E.T. an absolutely undeniable work of cinematic art? Of course it is. But it's also an extremely rare case of an 80's A-list movie being weird and unsettling enough to make a couple of middle aged men want to delve deeper. And that's really the key here...E.T. is unsettling. Just like Benny's microphone quality. “But Jay and Benny, your show is supposed to focus on the has-been and also-ran movies of the 80's and 90's, not extremely popular and beloved classics. Why did you break your own rules? And why does Jay have a buttery smooth voice while Benny sounds like a hyperactive 12 year old?” you may be asking. To both questions, our answer is simple: Shut up, that's why.  Listen to us treat one another like therapists as we relive the horror movie that is E.T. by discussing things like: Can John Williams create anything but an absolute majesty of a score for every movie he's involved in? Everything about this movie is dark and misty. Try playing the first 5 minutes on mute, but add music from Friday the 13th. Mind = blown How many times can Elliott be a stone-cold killer and sleep in dark cornfields and eerily lit sheds, knowing full well that there is a mysterious and terrifying creature out there? E.T. has lots of sweet and funny moments when he and the kids exchange surprised screams, but man, they really ended up with a horror show of an alien Based on the above, I think it's reasonable to say that Drew Barrymore falling apart mentally after this movie is completely understandable. Cocaine is a hell of a drug Can someone - anyone - tell us if Audi cars were always luxury cars? Because the 80's Audi sedan is visual vomit E.T. is not a Jedi. I don't care how many Easter eggs you think you've seen or how many Reddit posts you've forwarded Dude, that ravine scene...if we could pinpoint the exact moment in our lives which drove us to be the sloppy and damaged men that we are now, this is it We're 8 movies in, and this is the second time that NASA is presented as a paramilitary shadow ops organization, instead of 300 nerds in a control center doing long division

Our childhood memories are filled with images of all the toys we loved. From the glorious transforming of Optimus Prime to that first borderline-orgasmic sensation of getting our grubby little sausage fingers on the Millenium Falcon, nothing fills our minds with more joy than those plastic figures and vehicles. Masters of the Universe figures found their way into many a toy chest, ours being no exception. And between the cool and innovative characters and the psychedelic cartoon, we can honestly say that we went into this movie with hearts open and minds ready. If you loved the toys and cartoon like we did, and are thinking to yourself “I vaguely remember the live action movie, maybe I should watch it”...don't. Much like Benny's love for his children, Masters of the Universe tries its best to be coherent and genuine, but ends up a fragmented and confusing dumpster fire. Is it a story about He-Man defeating Skeletor and saving Eternia, or is it a love story between a boy, a 50-year-old-looking Courtney Cox and a musical key? Are He-Man and Skeletor mortal enemies hell bent on mutual destruction, or does the evil bone wizard just want to chill for a while and watch a near-naked Russian man get whipped? Why is the main evil henchman, Karg, modelled after a preserved testicle? And why the hell is a cow hanging out in the middle of a forest? Who cares at this point. We need a drink. Masters of the Universe is a prime example of nostalgia gone bad; it's best left floating in the ether of our memories. It doesn't get a medal - it face-planted on its way to barely receiving a participation ribbon. Let's just bite down on the stick of shame and slog through this fever dream of crap together. Some especially painful things we force ourselves to cover include: For a movie entirely about He-Man, this movie has very little to do with He-Man We understand creative license and blazing your own path, but did anyone involved in this movie actually...you know...watch the He-Man cartoon? For such a little person, Billy Barty must have powerful shoulders because he is absolutely carrying this gong show - kicking and screaming - towards tolerability Dolf Lungren; all of the sexy barbarian looks, none of the sexy barbarian machismo. He looks the part, but he can't charisma his way out of a wet paper bag For a movie that is supposed to be about a giant nearly-naked sword-wielding barbarian versus a creepy skeleton-wizard thing, they sure do love to focus the ENTIRE MOVIE on an 80's stylized dimensional key that doubles as a Casio Green screens are kind of expected for movies of the 80's and 90's, but Masters of the Universe revolutionized the art of having actors stay perfectly still in front of them, leading to some of the most ridiculously hilarious effects ever seen on film Pro tip: If you're a gym teacher, and you run into a small group of Eternia mercenaries, you are going to get your crap unnecessarily ruined  Ah, the 80's...when a police officer - without a warrant - can just force their way into your home, listen to your private phone conversations, and take your property while ashing a dirty dart all over your carpet  

Many of us have experienced the sudden and tragic loss of something that started with such incredible promise and hope. A budding high school athletics career cut short by a horrible injury. A dream job shattered by a sudden dip in the economy. Pretty much any marriage post-1950. And this..."movie." Flight of the Navigator was a tale of two movies; A story that honestly started out as one of the best flicks we've seen in a very long time, and suddenly ran head-first into a cocaine-fuelled, Pee-Wee Herman inspired dumpster fire of gargantuan proportions. Seriously - you'll quite literally feel the moment slap you in the face, leaving you as confused as our children are when they ask for affection, and are provided nothing but orders to fetch us beverages mixed with mild ridicule. One word, kids - Compliance! Join us as we travel back in time to 1986, and revel in the sheer magnitude of a Disney movie broken in half. The moment Max turns into a parody and all hell breaks loose, you can actually hear our happiness and enthusiasm suddenly explode out as juicy chunks of sorrow. Like we simultaneously chanced a wet and aggressive fart - and lost bitterly. Other mysteries include: Can Benny ever get his crap together and use a half decent microphone and Internet connection? Short answer - no. Long answer - Noooooooo There is absolutely nothing better than several minutes of cute dogs failing at things. If you disagree with this, we WILL throw hands Throughout the movie, David progressively slips further into sociopathic verbal abuse. Don't worry, Bruiser...I'll teach you REAL hard It's 1986. It's the height of the cold war, Tensions are high, and Nasa is apparently a branch of the military, complete with goons who live with families and fly unarmed civilian helicopters directly at alien spacecraft It really says a lot about us that a teenaged Sarah Jessica Parker and a child-sized semi-autonomous robot are our favourite memories of this movie, along with a room filled to the brim with cool crap Ah, Max. You started as an incredibly well conceived alien AI ship. All it took was a single download of David's brain to turn you into a clown and RUIN THE REST OF THE MOVIE Speaking of which, for a hyper-intelligent alien AI, Max seems to be pretty in the dark on things like “what is music”, “which way is north?” and “quick, fly this ship or I'll let us crash and die!” The massive single lidded eyeball alien on the ship is a hot, steaming cup of “No” So sit down, relax, and watch the first 35-ish minutes of a masterpiece of a film. And then turn it off, burn whatever device you were using to watch it, and listen to us suffer through the rest of it. Because we love you, and that's what friends do for friends.  

Ah, 1979. On the cusp of a new decade filled with hope and excitement. A time of terrible fashion choices, rampant STI's, and an aggressively deep chasm between legendary science fiction empires and...this. Buck Rogers is, well, technically a movie. A movie with characters, a sort-of plot, and an ending...and we're being generous. Join Jay and Benny as they slog through this tortuous 90-minute sci-fi tour de force, trying to make sense of the absolute gong show on screen while praying for the sweet release of death. Just like marriage, it helps if you go into this journey with zero expectations, and are ready to enjoy even less than you expected. I mean, watching this movie beats cleaning, working, or teaching your kids how to read or showing them any semblance of love and affection. Funky topics we cover include: How 70's is this movie? It's 70's. Like, HARD 70's. Did we mention it's very 70's? Twiki and Dr. Theo being the single worst robot duo in sci-fi history. Creepy unblinking eyes and an incredibly thirsty speak and spell? Bedubedubedubedubedu no thank you There are two different introductions you can do with a late 70's science fiction movie. You can roll an epic storyline with fantastic and powerful orchestral majesty...or you can have women in bikinis writhing on a glowing floor while a Saturday morning special song plays in the background. Buck Rogers is not the former “Hey, we're being chased by violent cannibals hell bent on murdering us. Let's make a detour to a cemetery so I can chill for a while and find personal closure” Come for the convoluted evil plot to conquer Earth that makes absolutely no sense. Stay for Buck Rogers taking every opportunity to swing a tire iron at the kneecaps of any tension that builds In 500 years, Earth has made incredible technological strides, balanced out by total collective idiocy and gullibility Apparently, being sentenced to immediate termination means chill out for a while in a comfortable room, have a mid-level military officer arbitrarily postpone your sentence, and then be given free reign of an advanced military space fighter, because why not? So sit back, relax, and laugh at our abject misery. Spoiler alert: Unless you have a nostalgia bug relentlessly gnawing at your ankles, you probably shouldn't endure what we just did.

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. More than just the key opening for my wedding vows, Conan really got to the heart of what made all of us men tick. I mean, if overweight middle-aged dads with gaming PCs can't slay enemies and make women lament stuff, who can? Conan the Barbarian is one of those rare 80's gems that really doesn't feel like an 80's movie. Sure, it has a few moments of "what the hell were they thinking", but it is a shockingly solid movie, and absolutely worth a watch if it's been ages since you've seen it last. And if you've never watched it before, please do - at the very least, it will inspire you to conquer your neighbourhood with a battleaxe. Some of the things we waste an hour and a half talking about: - James Earl Jones truly brings classical sophistication and a wicked crazy-person mullet to his role as the main baddie - Arnie says MAYBE 15 lines in the entire movie, but acts the part perfectly. This was one of the best "welcome to showbiz" castings in movie history, hands down - They really work overtime to sell the "life and war are brutal" aspects of this world - For a 1982 movie, this really feels like it could be a modern watch - Benny laughing hysterically as Jay discusses Conan's MMA-like ability to drop a camel, or to dismiss random women with a single, hilarious word

Remember the movie with the glaive? The circle with a whole bunch of blades on it that you throw and it cuts stuff? Yeah, that's about all we remember from this movie as well. As it turns out, this was just our brains' way of protecting us from extreme trauma. Willow and The Last Starfighter were "oh yeah, that's why I fondly remember" experiences...Krull is not one of them. Hold our hands and offer us reassuring smiles as we subject ourselves to this two hour soul-crushing so that you don't have to. A space emperor/alien/monster comes to an iron age planet to marry a human woman, and is ultimately killed by the power of love, channeled through two people who quite literally just met and shoot fire from their love. Or something. I need a drink. Special shout out to Jay, who did a wizardly job of editing this episode because Benny refuses to get his crap together and use a half-decent mic. Saddle up, kids: - A solid, actual 1/5th of this entire movie is spent in silent travel footage. Let that marinade in your brain for a little bit - Why are alien warriors - capable of extra-solar space travel and possessing laser weapons - engaging in sloppy medieval melee combat? And why do they turn into blood sperm when they die? - Jay is overwhelmed by the severely aggressive musical score - We almost forgot how nightmare fuel that Cyclops was - Liam Neeson admits to having 7-8 wives, and it's hilarious because reasons - The glaive is absolutely useless, as are the "special effects" throughout this horrible visual vomit - Honestly, we re-watched this like a week ago, and are back to remembering very little about it

Do you remember how Star Wars started an absolute tsunami of sci-fi and fantasy movies, all built on wobbly versions of the story-writing foundations pioneered by George Lucas' work? The Last Starfighter sits atop the throne for this, and is honestly one of our favourite childhood sci-fi romps despite it's massive laundry list of shortcomings and questionable directions. Join us as we explore a movie that started with big intentions, fizzled into almost two hours of "what the hell", and still remains beloved despite all of its genital warts. Bonus: Benny decides to enhance the podcast experience with a significantly worse microphone. Good times! Some topics discussed: - Several times throughout the movie, people are suddenly introduced to the fact that there are technologically advanced extra-terrestrial civilizations and they're all "yawn" - Alex's brother is a DICK - Between Beta units, alien assassins and face melting, this movie has some terrifyingly traumatic occurrences - The scepter blade is the most powerful superweapon ever made. Or something - The death blossom...we have some questions - What happened to this movie and its potential?

Ah, Willow. How could we not start this podcast by first visiting the movie that started us down this dark and twisted nostalgia journey? If the name of our podcast keyed you in to Willow, then you, too, deserve a big fat medal. Join us as we revisit one of the classic movies that we remember loving as kids, but only have vague and hazy memories of. Does it still hold up over time? Should it be unceremoniously tossed into the burning dumpster fire of history? No one knows. What we DO know is that we will cover such hard-hitting topics as: - Why Jay drools over matte paintings, as Benny goes over his chronological notes with zero mental stability - How the Willow's kids are jerks when they laugh at their dad for the failed pig trick - The absolutely horrible things they must have told Willow's daughter before shooting THAT scene. You know the one - One of the Brownie's is named Frenchie. With a French accent. We have questions - Val Kilmer was a beautiful, beautiful statue of a man - This movie manages to have some of the best, and some of the absolute worst, special effects we've ever seen - The weird dynamic between MadMartigan and Eric - How Fin Raziel is the absolute WORST at everything - And so much more!