Podcasts about Missus

The Perfect Glove, Starbucks with no Loo roll, Snow laden Rats love Jazz,Missus turned into a Toffee Crisp.

The NoSleep Podcast is taking a Christmas break but that doesn't mean there aren't some Christmas specials to enjoy! "Christmas Santa" written by Jill Benson (Story starts around 00:05:30) Produced & scored by: David Cummings Cast: Narrator - Peter Lewis, Police Officer - Erin Lillis, Uncle Mark - Graham Rowat "Old Nick" written by Charlie Davenport (Story starts around 00:42:30) Produced by: Jesse Cornett Cast: Pete - Jeff Clement, Grandpa - Graham Rowat, Old Nick - David Cummings, Grandma - Erin Lillis, Mom - Mary Murphy "Tomte" written by Marcus Damanda (Story starts around 01:24:15) Produced by: Phil Michalski Cast: Tomte - Jesse Cornett, The One in the Tree - David Ault, The Cradle Robber - Atticus Jackson, The Missus, Loretta Rosewood - Jessica McEvoy, The Hubby, Benson Rosewood - David Cummings, Assorted Chanting Cats - Mary Murphy, Erin Lillis, Graham Rowat This episode is sponsored by: Quince - Get cozy in Quince's high-quality wardrobe essentials highlighted by quality, sustainability, and affordability. Go to Quince.com/nosleep to get free shipping and a 365-day return period. Betterhelp - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/nosleep and get on your way to being your best self. GhostBed - Get ready for the coolest beds in the world! GhostBed provides high-quality & super comfortable award-winning mattresses crafted in the United States and Canada. Get 50% off your purchase by going to GhostBed.com/nosleep Click here to learn more about The NoSleep Podcast team Click here to learn more about Jill Benson Click here to learn more about Marcus Damanda Executive Producer & Host: David Cummings Musical score composed by: Brandon Boone "Holiday Hiatus 2024 SNL" illustration courtesy of Alexandra Cruz Audio program ©2023 - Creative Reason Media Inc. - All Rights Reserved - No reproduction or use of this content is permitted without the express written consent of Creative Reason Media Inc. The copyrights for each story are held by the respective authors.

Where can two strippers get a bite to eat on Christmas Eve? By  MelissaBaby. (abridged) Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. “Fuck Christmas,” Clover shouted, “and fuck you, Tony. Fuck Santa Claus, fuck his elves and fuck all ten goddamn reindeers.” “Eight,” Roxanne said, filing her nails and looking at her over the top of her glasses. “Shut up, Roxy, I'm talking about reindeers, not how many cocks you sucked over the weekend.” “Clover, calm down,” Tony said, “It was worth taking a shot.” “Bullshit, I told you nobody goes to a strip club on Christmas Eve.”“She did tell you,” Roxanne said, “Even louder that she's telling you now.” “Look,” he said, shrugging, “I'm sorry, but it wasn't nobody…” “We've had five customers,” Clover said. “And the last one was two hours ago,” Roxanne chimed in, “It's almost ten thirty.” Clover jerked her thumb at Roxanne. “She might look like a doofus wearing that stupid Santa hat, but she's right.” Tony held up his hands, “Okay, it turned out to not be a great idea. You guys are always saying that more customers come in because they are lonely than because they are horny. I figured it would be a lonely night for a lot of guys…” “It might be a great night to be a hooker,” Clover said, “but not a dancer.” He looked at his watch, then over his shoulder at LeAnn, the bartender. “Tell you what,” he told her, “If nobody else comes in before eleven, go ahead and close up.” He started to walk away, but Roxanne called him back. “We paid our club fees, Tony, that isn't right.” He looked up toward the ceiling, as if he were looking for a script to read from. “You want to close and go home early, but you want your club fees refunded because I said we would close and you could go home early?” “No,” Clover said, “We want our club fees refunded because we paid you fifty dollars to dance on a night when you dragged us in here to dance, even though we told you nobody was coming the fuck in.” “Fine,” he said, throwing his hands in the air, “LeAnn, give them back their club fees.” The door opened, and they both groaned, but it was not a customer. Sporty, the Gold Dollar's bouncer, came in. “Speaking of guys you'll fuck,” Clover muttered. When he approached the bar, she said, “Hey Sporty, how come you go out with Roxy? I always heard black guys like girls with nice big asses.” “I always heard strippers were friendly,” he shot back. He sat down next to Roxanne. “Where have you been?” she asked him. “Yeah,” Clover said, “There could have been a brawl in here, between the rats and the cockroaches.” “I was sitting out in my car, listening to some jams.” Clover tipped out and gave LeAnn a big hug, then she and Roxanne walked out to their cars in a light cold rain. “You ain't waiting for Sporty?” Clover asked. “Nope, don't want to talk to him right now. Meet you at the diner.” They each got in their cars. A light coating of slush covered Roxanne's windshield, but the wipers easily pushed it to the side. She pulled out of the parking lot on to the slippery street and drove the mile and a half to their usual after work spot, the Finest Kind Diner, while Clover followed close behind. When she turned into the diner's parking lot she noticed immediately that the lights were turned off, except for a string of colored Christmas bulbs blinking around the front door. Clover thought for a minute. “We could go to Denny's.” “Are they open?” “How the fuck would I know? Call ‘em up.” “Oh, so I have to look up the number?” “I figured it has a man's name, so you would know it.” Roxanne sat back in her seat. “I don't want to drive all the way across town, just to go to Denny's. What else would be open?” “Just White Castle.” Roxanne thought for a minute. “Yeah, what the fuck, let's go to White Castle.” “We ought to just go in one car,” Clover suggested. “Fine. Yours or mine?” “Yours,” Clover said, “Mine is more full of trash than a westside trailer park.” She pulled her car into a parking space, shut it off and got out. “I hate this drizzly shit,” she said as she got into Roxanne's passenger seat. “Hey, don't you live in a westside trailer park?” Roxanne asked. “Yeah, that's why I know what I am talking about.” “Speaking of knowing what you're talking about,” Roxanne said, “Santa Claus has eight reindeer.” “Are you counting Rudolph?” “Nope. Rudolph doesn't count.” “Who decided that?” “Clement Moore.” “Who the fuck is he? Sounds like a baseball player.” “He wrote The Night Before Christmas.” “Twas the night before Christmas,” Clover recited in a sing song voice, “And all through the place, Roxanne was sitting on every guy's face.” “And up from the lawn there arose such a clatter,” Roxanne returned, “As Clover devoured the whole turkey platter.” Clover nodded her head. “That was pretty good,” she admitted. Roxanne was quiet for a moment, then asked, “You wonder though, who the fuck would name a reindeer Blitzen? What is he, a Nazi reindeer?” “I bet Rudolph was originally Adolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and they changed it during the war or something. Hey, what's going on with you and Sporty?” “He wants me to go to his mom's house for Christmas dinner.” “And you don't want to go?” “Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend from the strip club?” “Oh yeah, I get it. But still, you guys been going out for a while now. You are going to meet them sooner or later.” “It doesn't have to be on Christmas with all the relatives there.” “So what are you going to do?” “I don't know.” There were three cars parked outside the White Castle when they arrived. The restaurant's windows were so wet with condensation that they could not see through them. But when they dashed inside, they were nearly blinded by the garish light. “This is like sensory overload,” Roxanne said, as Jingle Bell Rock squalled from a tinny sound system. They walked over to the counter. There was no one behind it. Roxanne leaned forward, craning her neck to look back into the kitchen. She saw a young man in a white uniform and a hairnet dumping french fries out of a fryer basket. “Excuse us,” she called. He looked over his shoulder. “Be with you in a minute, ma'am,” he said. Clover cackled and nudged Roxanne with her elbow. “Ma'am. He thinks you're an old fucking lady.” “Yeah, and he thinks I'm taking my mom out for Christmas Eve.” The man came to the counter. His name badge identified him as Julio, assistant manager. “What can I get you ladies?” he asked. “I'd like four hamburgers, an order of medium fries and a large coffee, regular,” Roxanne said. “Give me six whiteys and a large Mountain Dew,” Clover added. “Would you like fries with that?” “Fuck no, I'm gonna eat most of hers.” Julio rang up their orders and Roxanne paid for both. Clover looked around the room. There were three occupied booths. In one a pair of middle aged men, wearing the uniforms of parking attendants, sat sipping coffee. At another, an older woman in a ragged green coat had only a cup of water and a single empty burger box on the table in front of her. A couple of booths down, three young, black clad goths were sitting together. They looked to be in their early twenties; two boys, one very large, the other thin and jittery, and a purple haired girl sitting across from them, loudly chewing gum. They all looked like they were coming down off a much better time than they were having now. “It's kind of a sad looking bunch of people in here,” Clover said. “Yeah,” Roxanne said, “It's Christmas Eve and they've got no place to go.” “That sounds familiar. I mean, what the fuck is the difference between them and us?” “We've got money in our pockets.” “Yeah, money we took from other lonely people,” Clover said. She looked lost in thought for a moment, then asked Roxanne, “How much money you think you've got in your pocket?” “I don't know, a hundred, maybe a hundred and twenty dollars.” Clover looked around the room, her lips tight and her brow knotted. “I'll bet I know what you're thinking,” Roxanne said. “It's fucking Christmas,” Clover said, shrugging. Roxanne called Julio back to the counter. “How much are those sacks of thirty sliders?” she asked him. “Thirty two dollars and fifty two cents.” She looked over her shoulder at the woman with her single burger. “Give me two sacks,” she said, fishing her cash out of her pocket. “You still want the other order?” “Yeah,” Clover said, “And I want you to give anybody whatever they want to drink. Keep a tab and I'll pay for them later.” Julio hesitated a moment, then said, “Okay, it will take a little bit of time. Your other order will be up in a minute.” When their food was ready, they went to the empty table between the old lady and the goths. As they walked past the parking attendants, Clover asked them, “How you guys doing? You had to work tonight?” “Fuckin' Nutcracker,” one of them grumbled. “So are you going to see your son tomorrow?” Roxanne asked Clover when they had taken their seats. Clover nodded. “Not till the afternoon. But I get to have him the next day, too.” “Have you got plans?” “I was thinking we'd go to Hong Kong Garden for dinner.” “And the next day?” “Are you kidding? The day after Christmas? We're going fucking shopping.” Roxanne laughed. “Yeah I'm sure that'll thrill a ten year old boy, going shopping with his mom.” They had each finished two burgers when Julio called to them that their order was ready. Clover walked over to the counter, picked up a bag of hamburgers in each hand and turned to face the dining area. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she hollered, “My friend Poindexter and I would like to treat everyone to Whiteys for Christmas.” She went from table to table, holding out the bags, so that each person could take some burgers. “And if anyone wants something to drink,” she said, “It's on us. Just step up and tell Julio what you want.” After going to each table, she had half a bag left. She put it on the table in front of Roxanne and sat down. Roxanne twisted in her seat and watched as several of the patrons went to the counter and ordered drinks. She noticed that the old woman in the next booth had neither gotten up nor taken any burgers. She took one from the bag, leaned over the back of the booth and asked, “Would you like another burger, ma'am?” “Are you sure it's okay?” “Of course it is,” Roxanne said, “Merry Christmas.” “Merry Christmas, dear,” the woman replied, taking the burger. Roxanne's phone buzzed. “I bet I know who that is,” Clover muttered. Roxanne looked at the screen. “Yeah, it's Sporty.” She sat back in the booth and answered, simply saying, “Hey.” “Listen baby,” he said, “I wish you hadn't split like that. I don't want you mad at me, whether you go tomorrow or not.” “I never said I was mad at you, Sporty. I'm just tired of all the back-and-forth on this shit.” “I don't think having Christmas with my family is shit.” “Now you're just looking to be offended. They know where you work, right?” “Yeah.” “So, you're going to tell them your bringing a girl from work to Christmas dinner, so I can sit there, eating turkey with everybody looking at me like I'm a whore.” “Ain't nobody gonna call you a whore.” “My own mom calls me a whore.” “Well, my mom ain't your mom.” “I don't know, Sporty. I'm just not sure I'm ready for this.” “We've been going out almost a year.” “Off and on.” “Whatever. Where are you at anyway? I come over to Finest Kind because I thought you guys would be here.” “They're closed.” “Well, no shit, I just told you I was over here.” “We're at the White Castle on Union Street.” “So, would it be cool if I come by?” “Yeah, sure. I'll see you in a bit.” Roxanne disconnected, shaking her head. “This fucking guy,” she muttered, “I'm telling you, he won't give up…” “And that's a bad thing? Let me ask you something,” Clover said, “and don't get pissed.” “Okay.” “Are you nervous about meeting his family because you think they won't like you being a stripper or because you don't think they'll like you being white?” Roxanne was silent for a minute. “Maybe both,” she said. “Either way, I think that's his problem, not yours. I mean it's his family.” “Yeah, but I'm afraid that if they give him a lot of shit about it, he isn't going to pick me over them.” “Well then, fuck him. He ain't worth it if he does that.” Roxanne shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” An old man with flyaway white hair came into the restaurant. He appeared to be wearing just a light sweatsuit under his ratty coat. He sat down next to the old woman. She spoke quietly to him for a minute, then he loudly cleared his throat. “Excuse me, ladies,” he said in a hoarse voice. “Flo says you are buying burgers for everyone. Is that so?” “Sure is,” Clover said. Roxanne took two more burgers from the bag and handed them to him. “Go get yourself a coffee or something,” Clover said, “Whatever you want, it's on us.” The man thanked them, stood and fetched coffee for himself and Flo. Sporty came in a few minutes later, took off his wet coat and hung it on the end of the booth. He slid in next to Roxanne. Looking at the bags on the table, he asked, “Why did y'all buy so many burgers?” “Because we're generous bitches and we share with everybody,” Clover said. “Well, shit then.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a couple of burgers. After a few bites he said, “I need to get a drink.” “Just go to the counter,” Roxanne told him, “We're running a tab.” Sporty stuffed the rest of the burger in his mouth, then went to the counter. He came back a minute later with a large orange soda. “You been thinking about tomorrow?” he asked Roxanne. “Yeah, I've been thinking about it…” “Hey Sporty,” Clover said, interrupting her, “Let me ask you something.” “Yeah, what?” He reached for another burger. “Why do so many black families have macaroni and cheese for Christmas dinner?” “Because it's good as hell. We still have all the regular shit, turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberries and all that.” “Pumpkin pie or sweet potato?” “What do you think? Sweet potato pie.” “What kind of stuffing?” “Cornbread.” “Just plain?” “Fuck no, my mom puts Jimmy Dean sausage in it.” “Damn!” Clover exclaimed. “Listen, if this silly bitch don't want to come to your mom's house for Christmas dinner can I come?” “You can both come as far as I'm concerned.” Roxanne laughed. “That's actually a pretty good plan. If your mom spends five minutes with Clover, she'll think I'm little miss sunshine.” “No, she'll think you're a dumb bitch who thinks Santa only has eight reindeer.” “Rudolph doesn't count.” “Damn, you back on that shit?” Sporty said, rolling his eyes. Clover slipped out of the booth. “Fuck you both,” she said, standing up. “Hey everybody,” she shouted, “I'm taking a Christmas survey. How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?” There was murmuring throughout the room. The big goth kid was counting on his fingers. One of the parking attendants was quietly singing Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer. His friend said, emphatically, “Eight.” The goth girl said “Nine, if you count Rudolph.” “Rudolph wasn't one of the originals,” he replied. “So where did he come from?” “Gene Autry.” “Dead white man,” she muttered. The man who had been singing said, “The Night Before Christmas guy gave them their names.” The skinny goth kid glared over the back of the booth at him. “But who said he was in charge of fucking reindeer?” “He wrote the goddamn poem!” “They didn't know about Rudolph then!” “Isn't it nice to see how the holidays bring people together,” Roxanne said to Sporty. “All right,” Clover said, clapping her hands together. “Let's put it to a vote. How many people say nine?” She raised her hand and the goth kids and the old lady joined her. “Who says eight?” Roxanne, Sporty, the parking guys and the old man raised their hands. Clover looked at Sporty. “Put your fucking hand down, man, your vote don't count.” “Why don't my vote count?” “Because you ain't hoping to get any pussy from me tonight.” “You got that right,” he smirked. Roxanne turned in her seat. “How many people say ten?” They all looked at her, perplexed. No one raised a hand. “That's your cue to sit down and shut the fuck up,” she said to Clover. Clover looked around with a frown, then sat without saying anything more. Sporty looked over his shoulder and said, “Who thinks Die Hard is a Christmas movie?” Everyone raised their hand. “Goddamn right,” he muttered. Roxanne nudged him with her elbow. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said. He stood up and let her go by. The parking lot guys were getting up to leave. They thanked her for the burgers as she went past their table and wished her a happy holiday. One gave her a big hug. At least he didn't try to cop a feel, she thought as she went into the women's bathroom. When she opened the door to come out a few minutes later, Sporty was standing in front of it. “You know how cute you look in that hat?” he asked. “Do you know how desperate you sound when you try to sweet talk me?” “Nah, I ain't desperate. It'd be alright if you don't want to go tomorrow. I get it. But don't go saying you weren't welcome to go, because you were asked.” “Okay, that's fair. It's just that it's a big step.” “You got to take steps if you want to get anywhere,” he said. She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. Looking past him, she did not see anyone watching them. She gripped the waist of his pants and walked backward, pulling him into the bathroom. Sporty pushed the door shut behind him, and let Roxanne tug him across the room until her hips bumped against the edge of the sink. Roxanne leaned back, looking up at him and biting her lip. He gazed down at her, his hands on her hips, and kissed her. She kissed him back, but then turned her head. “At some point,” she said, “we have to talk about where we are going.” “We do,” he replied, “but we ain't got to do it right now.” She draped her arms over his shoulders and they exchanged a long, hard, tongue swirling kiss. Sporty's hands moved to her breasts, squeezing and caressing them, while Roxanne dropped her hand down to rub his stiff cock through his jeans. “I think you've got something you want to give me for Christmas,” she whispered. “I don't know,” he said, “I don't think you've been a very good girl.” “Do you want me to be a good girl?” “Aw, hell no,” he said. He took a half step back, seized her waist and spun her around to face the sink. Her Santa hat fell off, landing in the basin. He ran one hand down between her legs and cradled her chin in the other. “Look at you,” he whispered in her ear. Her glasses had slipped down her nose. She pushed them back into their proper position and gazed at herself in the mirror. “Look and see what I see.” Roxanne looked at his eyes in the mirror as his hand rubbed and squeezed her pussy. “Don't look at me, look at you.” She stared at her own reflection, resisting the temptation to watch as he unfastened her jeans and pushed them down over her hips. But when his fingers slipped inside her, she leaned her head back and kissed the side of his neck. His fingers probed deep into her, his thumb played with her clitoris. She reached back and rubbed his crotch. She fumbled at his belt until he gently pushed her hand away and undid it himself. Roxanne felt his cock bump against her ass, then slip down between her thighs. He placed his hand between her shoulders and gently pushed her down until her elbows were on the sides of the sink. She picked up her Santa hat and put it back on her head. Sporty kneaded her ass, then spread her thighs, pressed the head of his cock into her pussy and began to fuck her with long, smooth strokes. Clover snickered when she saw Sporty disappear into the women's bathroom. Get your figgy pudding, girlfriend, she thought, don't go until you get some. She walked to the counter and got a refill on her Mountain Dew, then stopped and listened for a minute. The sound wasn't loud, but she could hear them in the bathroom. They were definitely fucking in there. As she walked back to the booth, she saw the goth girl looking toward the bathroom. She glanced up at Clover with a smirk. Clover winked at her and sat back down in the booth. A few minutes later, the skinny goth kid leaned close to the window and peered out. He wiped away the condensation with his sleeve and looked again. “Fucking cops,” he muttered. “What cops?” Clover asked. “Cop car just pulled up.” “Oh, shit,” Clover muttered. She looked toward the bathroom. She couldn't hear Roxanne and Sporty where she was sitting, but there was no doubt that when the cops walked in, they would. They had to walk right past the bathroom to get to the counter. One of them might even go into the mens' room. She thought about warning them somehow, but didn't think there was enough time. That was confirmed when she saw the cops approaching the door. She had to do something. Just as they reached the door, she began singing at the top of her lungs. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. The goth girl looked up at her and immediately realized what she was doing and joined in. Santa Claus is coming to town. The cops walked in. One was an older man. His eyes and shoulders both drooped. There's another guy doesn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, Clover thought. His partner was a young, thin black man. They walked right past the bathroom to the counter. He's making a list, He's checking it twice. The other goth kids joined in the singing. He's gonna a find out who's naughty and nice. The old couple began to sing along. Santa Claus is coming to town. The two cops stood by the counter, looking around the room. Julio approached the cash register. The older cop leaned in and spoke to him. Julio pointed to Clover and the cop looked over at her. He nodded, then spoke to Julio again. He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake Julio handed each of the cops a bag of burgers and a cup of coffee. Now get the fuck out of here, Clover thought, but instead of leaving they walked toward her. The older cop held out his hand. “Awfully nice thing for you to do, ma'am,” he said. The other customers kept singing. Clover shook his hand. The younger cop shook with her as well. They turned toward the door, tipping their hats to the older couple as they went by. The older cop walked out just as the customers were finishing the last chorus, but the younger cop turned and went to the counter. He held out his open bag toward Julio. “Could you toss a couple of ketchups in there?” he asked. Julio nodded and dropped a handful of packets in his bag. “Thank you, Merry Christmas.” he said, then waved to the customers. “Merry Christmas, everyone.” He took two steps toward the door and stopped and looked toward the bathroom. Clover could hear Roxanne moaning from where she was sitting. He looked around the room. “Does anyone know who is in there?” he asked. “Yes, officer,” Clover said, “That's my friend. I'm afraid she ate a few too many of these gut grenades. You know what they can do to your digestion.” “Yeah, we all been there once or twice, I suppose,” he said. He went to the door and started to open it, then stopped, obviously listening to the sounds emanating from the bathroom. He turned and looked Clover in the eyes. An amused expression crossed his face. He winked at her and walked out. Roxanne had already come twice when she heard the singing. She thought it was just in her head until Sporty paused between thrusts and muttered, “What the fuck is that?” “Jesus, don't fucking stop,” she groaned. “Oh, you need some more of this dick?” “Goddamn it, yes, Sporty, fuck me.” He gripped her hips and began slapping his loins against her ass harder. She braced her hands against the mirror and shoved back against each plunge of his cock. “You getting kind of loud,” he told her. She dropped her head and her Santa hat fell off. She grabbed it and bit down on the white felt ball to keep from crying out. But after a minute or two, she let go of it, unable to keep from moaning loudly each time he jammed his cock deep inside her. She looked up at him in the mirror. Their eyes met, and the look of passion on his face pushed her over the edge into another orgasm. Before it subsided, she felt him stiffen, jerk his cock a few more times and withdraw, as his hot cum ran down the inside of her thigh. “At least they stopped that fucking singing,” Sporty said as Roxanne cleaned herself up. He picked up her Santa hat from the floor, brushed it off and stuck it back on her head, then unlatched the door. “Hold on a minute, babe,” Roxanne said. She raised her face and kissed him. “I'd be happy to go to your mom's tomorrow.” “Damn,” he said with a wide grin, “All I had to do was fuck you real good?” “You always fuck me real good.” “Then I will always get my way, right?” “Don't push your luck,” she said, opening the door. As they came out of the bathroom, the goth kids were walking toward the exit. “Merry Christmas. And thanks,” the girl said. “Yeah, thanks,” skinny kid said as well. The big kid stopped, looked at Roxanne and held his fist out toward Sporty. “Yo,” he said, “You da dawg, bro.” Sporty bumped fists with him. “Fucking white kids,” he muttered, chuckling. They slipped back into the booth, where Clover was waiting for them with her arms crossed and a smug expression on her face. “What was that singing?” Sporty asked. “That was me saving the you two fuckpuppies from spending Christmas in the slammer.” “What are you talking about?” Roxanne asked. “A couple cops came in here while you were getting your stocking stuffed. We were singing so they wouldn't hear the noise you were making.” “We weren't making that much noise.” Sporty laughed. “Girl, you loud as hell.” The old couple came to their booth and thanked them for their burgers. “Merry Christmas,” the man said, shaking all their hands. “There is a special place in heaven for you ladies,” the woman said. As they walked away, Clover said, “You think there is a special place in heaven for us?” “If we died tonight, we might at least be able to make a case for it,” Roxanne said with a shrug. “And by next week, we are fucked again.” Julio came out of the kitchen with a damp rag and wiped the table where the parking guys had been sitting. “Hey, Julio didn't vote,” Clover said. She called to him. “Julio, how many reindeers does Santa Claus have?” Julio looked at her with a perplexed expression. “I don't know,” he said. “You know, like in the song. Dancer and Prancer and Donger and Blitzkin…” “Donger?” Roxanne asked. Julio shrugged. “I don't know that song.” “You don't know it? What the fuck country are you from?” He stared as her and said, “Colombia.” “Oh. Shit. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude.” “She doesn't have to try,” Roxanne said, “It's her default mode.” Julio shook his head and returned to the kitchen. “Give the brother a break,” Sporty said, “He's from South America. What the fuck he gonna know about reindeers? Ask him about llamas, he'll probably tell you everything you ever wanted to know.” “I can't think of anything I want to know about llamas,” Clover shot back. “But I do feel kind of bad for the guy. I mean, he'd have had a lot easier night if we hadn't come in here and bought burgers and shit for everybody.” “It's his job,” Roxanne said with a shrug. “Yeah, and we fucking threw a fit because we had to work on Christmas Eve.” “You threw a fit. I didn't.” “You didn't like it.” “No, but I acted like a fucking grown-up about it.” “Yeah, but you have to act like one because you don't look like one.” Sporty looked in the bag. “Anybody want this last burger?” he asked. Roxanne and Clover shook their heads. Sporty bit into the burger, swallowed and said, “You feel so bad for the guy, why don't you do something nice for him for Christmas?” “Like what?” Clover asked. “Like what the fuck you think?” Sporty asked. Clover looked at him for a minute, then tipped her head to look past him. Julio was wiping off the service counter. “He's not a bad looking guy,” Roxanne said. “Well then, why don't you go do it then?” Clover asked. “I wasn't a twat to him.” “Besides,” Sporty said with a grin, “she already got hers.” “I ain't gonna fuck him in the bathroom,” Clover said. Roxanne laughed. “The bathroom is clean, at least.” “You don't think I will do it, do you?” “Bitch, I stopped trying to figure out what you would or wouldn't do about the time you set my boyfriend's car on fire,” Roxanne said. Julio disappeared into the kitchen. “Fuck both of you,” Clover said. She got up and followed him. “Hey, Julio,” she called. He was standing at the dish sink and turned around at the sound of her voice. “Listen, dude,” she said, “I hope I didn't say anything that offended you or got you upset or what not. That's just me clowning around.” “It is fine. I understand.” “Well, I think we put a lot of extra work on you tonight, coming in here and disrupting and shouting and singing and all.” “No, it is fine, Missus.” “Well, it's Christmas and all that. I'd like to maybe give you a little something for your trouble…” Julio waved his hands. “No Missus, we are not allowed to except tips.” “Yeah, I wasn't talking about giving you money.” She looked around and saw an open door at the back of the kitchen. She walked to it and peered into a dark room. “What's in here?” she asked. “That's the manager's office.” Clover walked in and flipped the light switch. A large flat top desk against the far wall nearly filled the room. There was a faux leather swivel chair in front of it. Clover plopped down into it, spun around, and put her feet up on the desk. Julio stood in the doorway, looking nervous. “The manager does not like anyone sitting in his chair,” he said, “No one is allowed.” “But you're the assistant manager right?” “Si.” “So when he ain't here, you're the fucking manager and it's your chair.” “I do not think so…” “And I am your guest, so I can sit in your chair.” “Missus,” he said, “I know it's a foolish rule but I need this job.” “Do you think I'm gonna tell anybody about this?” Julio looked at her with a puzzled expression. “About what, Missus?” “First of all, stop calling me Missus. Then come over here and find out.” She sat up, put her feet on the floor and patted the top of the desk. Julio leaned back and looked around the kitchen as if he suspected someone might be lurking there. Clover patted the desktop again. “The boss told you not to sit in his chair, but he didn't say shit about sitting on his desk, did he?” “No. I suppose he did not.” She pushed the chair back until it banged into the wall. “So have a seat.” Julio bit his lip, seeming lost in thought, then sat on the edge of the desk. “Dude, lose that dumbass apron.” Julio reached behind his back and untied the apron. Before he could pull it over his head, Clover had his belt unbuckled. He watched with an expression of amazement as she deftly unsnapped his waistband, yanked down his zipper, and pulled his cock free. “Do all the men in Columbia have big dicks?” she asked as she wrapped her hand around it. “Si,” Julio said, “It is well known in Latin America, Missus.” “You call me Missus again and I might bite it off,” she said. She flicked her tongue at the head, then wrapped her lips around it and began to suck. Julio briefly lifted his hips from the desk and tugged his pants and shorts down to his thighs. Clover cupped his balls in her left hand, massaging them, while her right hand stroked his shaft. She took it in her mouth again, but almost immediately, she heard a chime ringing. She raised her head and asked Julio, “What the fuck is that?” Julio had a look of panic on his face. “Someone is at the drive-through,” he said, “I must go serve them.” He started to rise, but she put her hands on his hips and pushed him back down. “No, fuck that,” she said, “Stay right there.” She got up and rushed to the dining room. Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth, kissing. “Hey, you fucking lovebirds, I need help here,” she shouted. When they looked at her in surprise, she said, “There's somebody in the fucking drive-through. Either of you guys ever work at a fast food place?” “I worked at Burger King in high school.” Sporty said. “Well, pry Roxy's hand off your whopper and get the fuck in here and find out what they want.” She disappeared back into the kitchen. Roxanne and Sporty looked at each other and shrugged. “I'll give it a try,” Sporty said. He slipped out of the booth and headed toward the kitchen, Roxanne following close behind. “It's like somebody told Santa they wanted a shit show for Christmas,” she muttered. Sporty went to the drive-through window and looked around. “Fuck. I don't know how to use this touchscreen shit,” he said. “Can you at least talk to the guy?” Roxanne asked. “Yeah, that shit looks the same. Hold on.” He was distracted by the sounds coming from the manager's office. “What's she doing in there?” he asked. “Sounds like she's sucking his dick.” “Damn, she's loud, too. Sounds like somebody got a rag stuck in their wet-vac.” He pressed several buttons on the communications panel, but nothing happened. He fiddled with the volume knob, and clicked the headset on and off, all to no avail. Suddenly, he was startled by a blasting horn, and looked over to see a white pick up truck right outside the window The driver, a large, red faced, bearded man, was glaring at him. “Honey, I don't think that's Santa Claus,” Roxanne said. Sporty slid the window open. “I've been out here trying to order for ten fucking minutes,” the man shouted. “Yeah, sorry about that,” Sporty said. “We got some kind of computer problem.” The man looked past him at Roxanne. “Looks to me like the problem is you're having some kind of party in there.” “Naw, she's the manager. She come in to try to fix it.” “So why isn't she fixing it?” “Sir,” Roxanne said, “I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do about it until the tech guys get here.” “I worked to midnight on Christmas Eve. All I wanted was some burgers for when I get home.” “I'll see what I can get for you, no charge.” She went to the grill. There were onions simmering in the corner and pre-cooked patties in a warming pan. She found a package of buns and put a half dozen on the grill to brown. The man tapped his fingers impatiently on the door of his car. “This is some bullshit,” he barked at Sporty, “You got something for me or not?” “Roxy is fixing it up right now.” “The manager's name is Roxy?” “Yeah, she was named for her grandmom.” Roxanne's glasses kept steaming up from the grill's heat. She did her best to assemble the burgers, but one got no onions, one had triple pickle and some were drenched with mustard and ketchup while others got no more than a drop or two. She boxed the burgers, stacked them in a bag, and handed it to Sporty. “About time,” the man grumbled. “What about a Coke? I need something to drink.” “Coming right up!” Roxanne said with a big smile. As she poured a Coke from the dispenser she thought, I hope those burgers give you the shits, asshole. Sporty handed him the drink and cheerily said, “Merry Christmas, sir.” The man growled. “Yeah, right. I guess the two of you can get back to whatever you were doing now.” “Thank you, sir,” Sporty said, “But we already finished that. Appreciate the thought though.” The man glared at them, muttered something underneath his breath, and drove off. “What did he say?” Roxanne asked. “I didn't catch in, but I think one of the words started with an F and one with an N.” “Feliz Navidad?” “Most likely not.” “Should we figure out how this works, in case someone else pulls up?” “How long Julio gonna take getting his nut?” Roxanne shrugged. “Hold up,” Sporty said, “I got a better idea.” He walked to the back door, opened it and, looking outside, flicked a couple of light switches on the walk. “There you go,” he said. “What did you do?” “Turned off the outside lights, so the place looks closed.” Clover took Julio's cock into her mouth until she felt his pubic hair tickling her nose, then swallowed. That will keep him from trying to go see what's happening in the kitchen, she thought. When she was out of breath, she rose up, releasing his cock with a loud popping sound. She circled the head with her tongue a few times, then dove down and swallowed again. It was late, she was tired, her jaw was starting to ache and her belly was rumbling in complaint over its load of greasy hamburger. She sucked in her cheeks as hard as she could, and Julio exhaled loudly and raised his hips from the desk. As she lifted her head, Julio spurted into her mouth. She swallowed most of it, then picked up his apron off the desk and wiped her face with it, surreptitiously spitting out the rest of his load. He leaned forward, his head hanging low, while he recovered his breath. Clover stood up, and loudly burped. “Sorry about that,” she said. Julio stood, pulling up his pants. “It is okay, Missus.” They walked into the kitchen. Julio immediately noticed that it was dark outside the drive through window. “You friends, I think they turned off the lights,” he said, “I will have to turn them on and to see what else they might have done.” “Okay, well, Merry Christmas, dude.” “And to you, Missus.” Clover turned away, but he added, “Missus?” She looked back. “Maybe you will come for hamburgers again.” Clover looked him over. “Yeah, I might.” Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth when Clover returned to the dining room. Roxanne was leaning against him, her head on his shoulder and her eyes shut. Clover sat down across from them. “You guys about ready to go?” she asked. Roxanne sat up straight and stretched. “Yeah we might as well,” she said. Sporty looked out the window. “That sleet shit turned into real snow,” he said. He nudged Roxanne. “Let me up, baby.” She stood and he slid out of the booth. “Give me your keys,” he said, “I'll get your car warmed up.” She fished her keys out of her purse and handed them to him as he put on his coat. Watching him walk out, Clover said, “When a man cleans the snow off your car for you, he's getting serious. Especially if he does it after you fuck him.” “I think asking me to come with him to his mom's house for Christmas shows that pretty good, too.” “So, stop being a fucking pussy about it. You think you're going to find another nice guy who is obviously crazy about you and doesn't give a shit what you do for a living?” Roxanne was silent for a minute. “It doesn't seem likely, does it?” she said at last. They kissed again and Sporty said, “You know, I had a lot of girlfriends before, but I never brought one home with me on Christmas.” She patted his cheek, kissed him and said, “I've had a lot of boyfriends before, but I never fucked one in the bathroom at White Castle on Christmas Eve.” She kissed him on the nose and dashed to her car, calling, “See you tomorrow, babe.” “It's about time,” Clover said, as Roxanne got into the drivers seat, “I'm freezing my tits off over here.” “That's because they're fake.” “Probably. They should've come with like a heater option.” “I wish I'd known it was a problem, I would have got you one for Christmas.” Clover reached across the console and squeezed Roxanne's hand. “Merry Christmas, Rhonda,” she said. Roxanne felt her eyes moisten. “Merry Christmas, Charlene.” The last display before the park exit, the grand finale, was a great arc of lights over the road. On the left, Santa rode in his sleigh, overflowing bags of gift boxes and teddy bears behind him. His reindeer stretched along the arc, their legs blinking in a dance across the night sky. At the right end of the display, Rudolph's nose glowed like a beacon. “Nine!” Clover shouted, “Bitch, count ‘em! nine fucking reindeers!” “Rudolph doesn't count.” “He counts in this town.” “Why? Because Parks and Rec says he does?” Clover sat back, her arms crossed over her chest in triumph. “Nine fucking reindeer,” she smirked. “Eight,” Roxanne muttered. “Nine.” “Eight…” By  MelissaBaby for Literotica

Where can two strippers get a bite to eat on Christmas Eve? By  MelissaBaby. (abridged) Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. “Fuck Christmas,” Clover shouted, “and fuck you, Tony. Fuck Santa Claus, fuck his elves and fuck all ten goddamn reindeers.” “Eight,” Roxanne said, filing her nails and looking at her over the top of her glasses. “Shut up, Roxy, I'm talking about reindeers, not how many cocks you sucked over the weekend.” “Clover, calm down,” Tony said, “It was worth taking a shot.” “Bullshit, I told you nobody goes to a strip club on Christmas Eve.”“She did tell you,” Roxanne said, “Even louder that she's telling you now.” “Look,” he said, shrugging, “I'm sorry, but it wasn't nobody…” “We've had five customers,” Clover said. “And the last one was two hours ago,” Roxanne chimed in, “It's almost ten thirty.” Clover jerked her thumb at Roxanne. “She might look like a doofus wearing that stupid Santa hat, but she's right.” Tony held up his hands, “Okay, it turned out to not be a great idea. You guys are always saying that more customers come in because they are lonely than because they are horny. I figured it would be a lonely night for a lot of guys…” “It might be a great night to be a hooker,” Clover said, “but not a dancer.” He looked at his watch, then over his shoulder at LeAnn, the bartender. “Tell you what,” he told her, “If nobody else comes in before eleven, go ahead and close up.” He started to walk away, but Roxanne called him back. “We paid our club fees, Tony, that isn't right.” He looked up toward the ceiling, as if he were looking for a script to read from. “You want to close and go home early, but you want your club fees refunded because I said we would close and you could go home early?” “No,” Clover said, “We want our club fees refunded because we paid you fifty dollars to dance on a night when you dragged us in here to dance, even though we told you nobody was coming the fuck in.” “Fine,” he said, throwing his hands in the air, “LeAnn, give them back their club fees.” The door opened, and they both groaned, but it was not a customer. Sporty, the Gold Dollar's bouncer, came in. “Speaking of guys you'll fuck,” Clover muttered. When he approached the bar, she said, “Hey Sporty, how come you go out with Roxy? I always heard black guys like girls with nice big asses.” “I always heard strippers were friendly,” he shot back. He sat down next to Roxanne. “Where have you been?” she asked him. “Yeah,” Clover said, “There could have been a brawl in here, between the rats and the cockroaches.” “I was sitting out in my car, listening to some jams.” Clover tipped out and gave LeAnn a big hug, then she and Roxanne walked out to their cars in a light cold rain. “You ain't waiting for Sporty?” Clover asked. “Nope, don't want to talk to him right now. Meet you at the diner.” They each got in their cars. A light coating of slush covered Roxanne's windshield, but the wipers easily pushed it to the side. She pulled out of the parking lot on to the slippery street and drove the mile and a half to their usual after work spot, the Finest Kind Diner, while Clover followed close behind. When she turned into the diner's parking lot she noticed immediately that the lights were turned off, except for a string of colored Christmas bulbs blinking around the front door. Clover thought for a minute. “We could go to Denny's.” “Are they open?” “How the fuck would I know? Call ‘em up.” “Oh, so I have to look up the number?” “I figured it has a man's name, so you would know it.” Roxanne sat back in her seat. “I don't want to drive all the way across town, just to go to Denny's. What else would be open?” “Just White Castle.” Roxanne thought for a minute. “Yeah, what the fuck, let's go to White Castle.” “We ought to just go in one car,” Clover suggested. “Fine. Yours or mine?” “Yours,” Clover said, “Mine is more full of trash than a westside trailer park.” She pulled her car into a parking space, shut it off and got out. “I hate this drizzly shit,” she said as she got into Roxanne's passenger seat. “Hey, don't you live in a westside trailer park?” Roxanne asked. “Yeah, that's why I know what I am talking about.” “Speaking of knowing what you're talking about,” Roxanne said, “Santa Claus has eight reindeer.” “Are you counting Rudolph?” “Nope. Rudolph doesn't count.” “Who decided that?” “Clement Moore.” “Who the fuck is he? Sounds like a baseball player.” “He wrote The Night Before Christmas.” “Twas the night before Christmas,” Clover recited in a sing song voice, “And all through the place, Roxanne was sitting on every guy's face.” “And up from the lawn there arose such a clatter,” Roxanne returned, “As Clover devoured the whole turkey platter.” Clover nodded her head. “That was pretty good,” she admitted. Roxanne was quiet for a moment, then asked, “You wonder though, who the fuck would name a reindeer Blitzen? What is he, a Nazi reindeer?” “I bet Rudolph was originally Adolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and they changed it during the war or something. Hey, what's going on with you and Sporty?” “He wants me to go to his mom's house for Christmas dinner.” “And you don't want to go?” “Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend from the strip club?” “Oh yeah, I get it. But still, you guys been going out for a while now. You are going to meet them sooner or later.” “It doesn't have to be on Christmas with all the relatives there.” “So what are you going to do?” “I don't know.” There were three cars parked outside the White Castle when they arrived. The restaurant's windows were so wet with condensation that they could not see through them. But when they dashed inside, they were nearly blinded by the garish light. “This is like sensory overload,” Roxanne said, as Jingle Bell Rock squalled from a tinny sound system. They walked over to the counter. There was no one behind it. Roxanne leaned forward, craning her neck to look back into the kitchen. She saw a young man in a white uniform and a hairnet dumping french fries out of a fryer basket. “Excuse us,” she called. He looked over his shoulder. “Be with you in a minute, ma'am,” he said. Clover cackled and nudged Roxanne with her elbow. “Ma'am. He thinks you're an old fucking lady.” “Yeah, and he thinks I'm taking my mom out for Christmas Eve.” The man came to the counter. His name badge identified him as Julio, assistant manager. “What can I get you ladies?” he asked. “I'd like four hamburgers, an order of medium fries and a large coffee, regular,” Roxanne said. “Give me six whiteys and a large Mountain Dew,” Clover added. “Would you like fries with that?” “Fuck no, I'm gonna eat most of hers.” Julio rang up their orders and Roxanne paid for both. Clover looked around the room. There were three occupied booths. In one a pair of middle aged men, wearing the uniforms of parking attendants, sat sipping coffee. At another, an older woman in a ragged green coat had only a cup of water and a single empty burger box on the table in front of her. A couple of booths down, three young, black clad goths were sitting together. They looked to be in their early twenties; two boys, one very large, the other thin and jittery, and a purple haired girl sitting across from them, loudly chewing gum. They all looked like they were coming down off a much better time than they were having now. “It's kind of a sad looking bunch of people in here,” Clover said. “Yeah,” Roxanne said, “It's Christmas Eve and they've got no place to go.” “That sounds familiar. I mean, what the fuck is the difference between them and us?” “We've got money in our pockets.” “Yeah, money we took from other lonely people,” Clover said. She looked lost in thought for a moment, then asked Roxanne, “How much money you think you've got in your pocket?” “I don't know, a hundred, maybe a hundred and twenty dollars.” Clover looked around the room, her lips tight and her brow knotted. “I'll bet I know what you're thinking,” Roxanne said. “It's fucking Christmas,” Clover said, shrugging. Roxanne called Julio back to the counter. “How much are those sacks of thirty sliders?” she asked him. “Thirty two dollars and fifty two cents.” She looked over her shoulder at the woman with her single burger. “Give me two sacks,” she said, fishing her cash out of her pocket. “You still want the other order?” “Yeah,” Clover said, “And I want you to give anybody whatever they want to drink. Keep a tab and I'll pay for them later.” Julio hesitated a moment, then said, “Okay, it will take a little bit of time. Your other order will be up in a minute.” When their food was ready, they went to the empty table between the old lady and the goths. As they walked past the parking attendants, Clover asked them, “How you guys doing? You had to work tonight?” “Fuckin' Nutcracker,” one of them grumbled. “So are you going to see your son tomorrow?” Roxanne asked Clover when they had taken their seats. Clover nodded. “Not till the afternoon. But I get to have him the next day, too.” “Have you got plans?” “I was thinking we'd go to Hong Kong Garden for dinner.” “And the next day?” “Are you kidding? The day after Christmas? We're going fucking shopping.” Roxanne laughed. “Yeah I'm sure that'll thrill a ten year old boy, going shopping with his mom.” They had each finished two burgers when Julio called to them that their order was ready. Clover walked over to the counter, picked up a bag of hamburgers in each hand and turned to face the dining area. “Ladies and gentlemen,” she hollered, “My friend Poindexter and I would like to treat everyone to Whiteys for Christmas.” She went from table to table, holding out the bags, so that each person could take some burgers. “And if anyone wants something to drink,” she said, “It's on us. Just step up and tell Julio what you want.” After going to each table, she had half a bag left. She put it on the table in front of Roxanne and sat down. Roxanne twisted in her seat and watched as several of the patrons went to the counter and ordered drinks. She noticed that the old woman in the next booth had neither gotten up nor taken any burgers. She took one from the bag, leaned over the back of the booth and asked, “Would you like another burger, ma'am?” “Are you sure it's okay?” “Of course it is,” Roxanne said, “Merry Christmas.” “Merry Christmas, dear,” the woman replied, taking the burger. Roxanne's phone buzzed. “I bet I know who that is,” Clover muttered. Roxanne looked at the screen. “Yeah, it's Sporty.” She sat back in the booth and answered, simply saying, “Hey.” “Listen baby,” he said, “I wish you hadn't split like that. I don't want you mad at me, whether you go tomorrow or not.” “I never said I was mad at you, Sporty. I'm just tired of all the back-and-forth on this shit.” “I don't think having Christmas with my family is shit.” “Now you're just looking to be offended. They know where you work, right?” “Yeah.” “So, you're going to tell them your bringing a girl from work to Christmas dinner, so I can sit there, eating turkey with everybody looking at me like I'm a whore.” “Ain't nobody gonna call you a whore.” “My own mom calls me a whore.” “Well, my mom ain't your mom.” “I don't know, Sporty. I'm just not sure I'm ready for this.” “We've been going out almost a year.” “Off and on.” “Whatever. Where are you at anyway? I come over to Finest Kind because I thought you guys would be here.” “They're closed.” “Well, no shit, I just told you I was over here.” “We're at the White Castle on Union Street.” “So, would it be cool if I come by?” “Yeah, sure. I'll see you in a bit.” Roxanne disconnected, shaking her head. “This fucking guy,” she muttered, “I'm telling you, he won't give up…” “And that's a bad thing? Let me ask you something,” Clover said, “and don't get pissed.” “Okay.” “Are you nervous about meeting his family because you think they won't like you being a stripper or because you don't think they'll like you being white?” Roxanne was silent for a minute. “Maybe both,” she said. “Either way, I think that's his problem, not yours. I mean it's his family.” “Yeah, but I'm afraid that if they give him a lot of shit about it, he isn't going to pick me over them.” “Well then, fuck him. He ain't worth it if he does that.” Roxanne shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.” An old man with flyaway white hair came into the restaurant. He appeared to be wearing just a light sweatsuit under his ratty coat. He sat down next to the old woman. She spoke quietly to him for a minute, then he loudly cleared his throat. “Excuse me, ladies,” he said in a hoarse voice. “Flo says you are buying burgers for everyone. Is that so?” “Sure is,” Clover said. Roxanne took two more burgers from the bag and handed them to him. “Go get yourself a coffee or something,” Clover said, “Whatever you want, it's on us.” The man thanked them, stood and fetched coffee for himself and Flo. Sporty came in a few minutes later, took off his wet coat and hung it on the end of the booth. He slid in next to Roxanne. Looking at the bags on the table, he asked, “Why did y'all buy so many burgers?” “Because we're generous bitches and we share with everybody,” Clover said. “Well, shit then.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a couple of burgers. After a few bites he said, “I need to get a drink.” “Just go to the counter,” Roxanne told him, “We're running a tab.” Sporty stuffed the rest of the burger in his mouth, then went to the counter. He came back a minute later with a large orange soda. “You been thinking about tomorrow?” he asked Roxanne. “Yeah, I've been thinking about it…” “Hey Sporty,” Clover said, interrupting her, “Let me ask you something.” “Yeah, what?” He reached for another burger. “Why do so many black families have macaroni and cheese for Christmas dinner?” “Because it's good as hell. We still have all the regular shit, turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberries and all that.” “Pumpkin pie or sweet potato?” “What do you think? Sweet potato pie.” “What kind of stuffing?” “Cornbread.” “Just plain?” “Fuck no, my mom puts Jimmy Dean sausage in it.” “Damn!” Clover exclaimed. “Listen, if this silly bitch don't want to come to your mom's house for Christmas dinner can I come?” “You can both come as far as I'm concerned.” Roxanne laughed. “That's actually a pretty good plan. If your mom spends five minutes with Clover, she'll think I'm little miss sunshine.” “No, she'll think you're a dumb bitch who thinks Santa only has eight reindeer.” “Rudolph doesn't count.” “Damn, you back on that shit?” Sporty said, rolling his eyes. Clover slipped out of the booth. “Fuck you both,” she said, standing up. “Hey everybody,” she shouted, “I'm taking a Christmas survey. How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?” There was murmuring throughout the room. The big goth kid was counting on his fingers. One of the parking attendants was quietly singing Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer. His friend said, emphatically, “Eight.” The goth girl said “Nine, if you count Rudolph.” “Rudolph wasn't one of the originals,” he replied. “So where did he come from?” “Gene Autry.” “Dead white man,” she muttered. The man who had been singing said, “The Night Before Christmas guy gave them their names.” The skinny goth kid glared over the back of the booth at him. “But who said he was in charge of fucking reindeer?” “He wrote the goddamn poem!” “They didn't know about Rudolph then!” “Isn't it nice to see how the holidays bring people together,” Roxanne said to Sporty. “All right,” Clover said, clapping her hands together. “Let's put it to a vote. How many people say nine?” She raised her hand and the goth kids and the old lady joined her. “Who says eight?” Roxanne, Sporty, the parking guys and the old man raised their hands. Clover looked at Sporty. “Put your fucking hand down, man, your vote don't count.” “Why don't my vote count?” “Because you ain't hoping to get any pussy from me tonight.” “You got that right,” he smirked. Roxanne turned in her seat. “How many people say ten?” They all looked at her, perplexed. No one raised a hand. “That's your cue to sit down and shut the fuck up,” she said to Clover. Clover looked around with a frown, then sat without saying anything more. Sporty looked over his shoulder and said, “Who thinks Die Hard is a Christmas movie?” Everyone raised their hand. “Goddamn right,” he muttered. Roxanne nudged him with her elbow. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said. He stood up and let her go by. The parking lot guys were getting up to leave. They thanked her for the burgers as she went past their table and wished her a happy holiday. One gave her a big hug. At least he didn't try to cop a feel, she thought as she went into the women's bathroom. When she opened the door to come out a few minutes later, Sporty was standing in front of it. “You know how cute you look in that hat?” he asked. “Do you know how desperate you sound when you try to sweet talk me?” “Nah, I ain't desperate. It'd be alright if you don't want to go tomorrow. I get it. But don't go saying you weren't welcome to go, because you were asked.” “Okay, that's fair. It's just that it's a big step.” “You got to take steps if you want to get anywhere,” he said. She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. Looking past him, she did not see anyone watching them. She gripped the waist of his pants and walked backward, pulling him into the bathroom. Sporty pushed the door shut behind him, and let Roxanne tug him across the room until her hips bumped against the edge of the sink. Roxanne leaned back, looking up at him and biting her lip. He gazed down at her, his hands on her hips, and kissed her. She kissed him back, but then turned her head. “At some point,” she said, “we have to talk about where we are going.” “We do,” he replied, “but we ain't got to do it right now.” She draped her arms over his shoulders and they exchanged a long, hard, tongue swirling kiss. Sporty's hands moved to her breasts, squeezing and caressing them, while Roxanne dropped her hand down to rub his stiff cock through his jeans. “I think you've got something you want to give me for Christmas,” she whispered. “I don't know,” he said, “I don't think you've been a very good girl.” “Do you want me to be a good girl?” “Aw, hell no,” he said. He took a half step back, seized her waist and spun her around to face the sink. Her Santa hat fell off, landing in the basin. He ran one hand down between her legs and cradled her chin in the other. “Look at you,” he whispered in her ear. Her glasses had slipped down her nose. She pushed them back into their proper position and gazed at herself in the mirror. “Look and see what I see.” Roxanne looked at his eyes in the mirror as his hand rubbed and squeezed her pussy. “Don't look at me, look at you.” She stared at her own reflection, resisting the temptation to watch as he unfastened her jeans and pushed them down over her hips. But when his fingers slipped inside her, she leaned her head back and kissed the side of his neck. His fingers probed deep into her, his thumb played with her clitoris. She reached back and rubbed his crotch. She fumbled at his belt until he gently pushed her hand away and undid it himself. Roxanne felt his cock bump against her ass, then slip down between her thighs. He placed his hand between her shoulders and gently pushed her down until her elbows were on the sides of the sink. She picked up her Santa hat and put it back on her head. Sporty kneaded her ass, then spread her thighs, pressed the head of his cock into her pussy and began to fuck her with long, smooth strokes. Clover snickered when she saw Sporty disappear into the women's bathroom. Get your figgy pudding, girlfriend, she thought, don't go until you get some. She walked to the counter and got a refill on her Mountain Dew, then stopped and listened for a minute. The sound wasn't loud, but she could hear them in the bathroom. They were definitely fucking in there. As she walked back to the booth, she saw the goth girl looking toward the bathroom. She glanced up at Clover with a smirk. Clover winked at her and sat back down in the booth. A few minutes later, the skinny goth kid leaned close to the window and peered out. He wiped away the condensation with his sleeve and looked again. “Fucking cops,” he muttered. “What cops?” Clover asked. “Cop car just pulled up.” “Oh, shit,” Clover muttered. She looked toward the bathroom. She couldn't hear Roxanne and Sporty where she was sitting, but there was no doubt that when the cops walked in, they would. They had to walk right past the bathroom to get to the counter. One of them might even go into the mens' room. She thought about warning them somehow, but didn't think there was enough time. That was confirmed when she saw the cops approaching the door. She had to do something. Just as they reached the door, she began singing at the top of her lungs. You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why. The goth girl looked up at her and immediately realized what she was doing and joined in. Santa Claus is coming to town. The cops walked in. One was an older man. His eyes and shoulders both drooped. There's another guy doesn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, Clover thought. His partner was a young, thin black man. They walked right past the bathroom to the counter. He's making a list, He's checking it twice. The other goth kids joined in the singing. He's gonna a find out who's naughty and nice. The old couple began to sing along. Santa Claus is coming to town. The two cops stood by the counter, looking around the room. Julio approached the cash register. The older cop leaned in and spoke to him. Julio pointed to Clover and the cop looked over at her. He nodded, then spoke to Julio again. He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake Julio handed each of the cops a bag of burgers and a cup of coffee. Now get the fuck out of here, Clover thought, but instead of leaving they walked toward her. The older cop held out his hand. “Awfully nice thing for you to do, ma'am,” he said. The other customers kept singing. Clover shook his hand. The younger cop shook with her as well. They turned toward the door, tipping their hats to the older couple as they went by. The older cop walked out just as the customers were finishing the last chorus, but the younger cop turned and went to the counter. He held out his open bag toward Julio. “Could you toss a couple of ketchups in there?” he asked. Julio nodded and dropped a handful of packets in his bag. “Thank you, Merry Christmas.” he said, then waved to the customers. “Merry Christmas, everyone.” He took two steps toward the door and stopped and looked toward the bathroom. Clover could hear Roxanne moaning from where she was sitting. He looked around the room. “Does anyone know who is in there?” he asked. “Yes, officer,” Clover said, “That's my friend. I'm afraid she ate a few too many of these gut grenades. You know what they can do to your digestion.” “Yeah, we all been there once or twice, I suppose,” he said. He went to the door and started to open it, then stopped, obviously listening to the sounds emanating from the bathroom. He turned and looked Clover in the eyes. An amused expression crossed his face. He winked at her and walked out. Roxanne had already come twice when she heard the singing. She thought it was just in her head until Sporty paused between thrusts and muttered, “What the fuck is that?” “Jesus, don't fucking stop,” she groaned. “Oh, you need some more of this dick?” “Goddamn it, yes, Sporty, fuck me.” He gripped her hips and began slapping his loins against her ass harder. She braced her hands against the mirror and shoved back against each plunge of his cock. “You getting kind of loud,” he told her. She dropped her head and her Santa hat fell off. She grabbed it and bit down on the white felt ball to keep from crying out. But after a minute or two, she let go of it, unable to keep from moaning loudly each time he jammed his cock deep inside her. She looked up at him in the mirror. Their eyes met, and the look of passion on his face pushed her over the edge into another orgasm. Before it subsided, she felt him stiffen, jerk his cock a few more times and withdraw, as his hot cum ran down the inside of her thigh. “At least they stopped that fucking singing,” Sporty said as Roxanne cleaned herself up. He picked up her Santa hat from the floor, brushed it off and stuck it back on her head, then unlatched the door. “Hold on a minute, babe,” Roxanne said. She raised her face and kissed him. “I'd be happy to go to your mom's tomorrow.” “Damn,” he said with a wide grin, “All I had to do was fuck you real good?” “You always fuck me real good.” “Then I will always get my way, right?” “Don't push your luck,” she said, opening the door. As they came out of the bathroom, the goth kids were walking toward the exit. “Merry Christmas. And thanks,” the girl said. “Yeah, thanks,” skinny kid said as well. The big kid stopped, looked at Roxanne and held his fist out toward Sporty. “Yo,” he said, “You da dawg, bro.” Sporty bumped fists with him. “Fucking white kids,” he muttered, chuckling. They slipped back into the booth, where Clover was waiting for them with her arms crossed and a smug expression on her face. “What was that singing?” Sporty asked. “That was me saving the you two fuckpuppies from spending Christmas in the slammer.” “What are you talking about?” Roxanne asked. “A couple cops came in here while you were getting your stocking stuffed. We were singing so they wouldn't hear the noise you were making.” “We weren't making that much noise.” Sporty laughed. “Girl, you loud as hell.” The old couple came to their booth and thanked them for their burgers. “Merry Christmas,” the man said, shaking all their hands. “There is a special place in heaven for you ladies,” the woman said. As they walked away, Clover said, “You think there is a special place in heaven for us?” “If we died tonight, we might at least be able to make a case for it,” Roxanne said with a shrug. “And by next week, we are fucked again.” Julio came out of the kitchen with a damp rag and wiped the table where the parking guys had been sitting. “Hey, Julio didn't vote,” Clover said. She called to him. “Julio, how many reindeers does Santa Claus have?” Julio looked at her with a perplexed expression. “I don't know,” he said. “You know, like in the song. Dancer and Prancer and Donger and Blitzkin…” “Donger?” Roxanne asked. Julio shrugged. “I don't know that song.” “You don't know it? What the fuck country are you from?” He stared as her and said, “Colombia.” “Oh. Shit. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude.” “She doesn't have to try,” Roxanne said, “It's her default mode.” Julio shook his head and returned to the kitchen. “Give the brother a break,” Sporty said, “He's from South America. What the fuck he gonna know about reindeers? Ask him about llamas, he'll probably tell you everything you ever wanted to know.” “I can't think of anything I want to know about llamas,” Clover shot back. “But I do feel kind of bad for the guy. I mean, he'd have had a lot easier night if we hadn't come in here and bought burgers and shit for everybody.” “It's his job,” Roxanne said with a shrug. “Yeah, and we fucking threw a fit because we had to work on Christmas Eve.” “You threw a fit. I didn't.” “You didn't like it.” “No, but I acted like a fucking grown-up about it.” “Yeah, but you have to act like one because you don't look like one.” Sporty looked in the bag. “Anybody want this last burger?” he asked. Roxanne and Clover shook their heads. Sporty bit into the burger, swallowed and said, “You feel so bad for the guy, why don't you do something nice for him for Christmas?” “Like what?” Clover asked. “Like what the fuck you think?” Sporty asked. Clover looked at him for a minute, then tipped her head to look past him. Julio was wiping off the service counter. “He's not a bad looking guy,” Roxanne said. “Well then, why don't you go do it then?” Clover asked. “I wasn't a twat to him.” “Besides,” Sporty said with a grin, “she already got hers.” “I ain't gonna fuck him in the bathroom,” Clover said. Roxanne laughed. “The bathroom is clean, at least.” “You don't think I will do it, do you?” “Bitch, I stopped trying to figure out what you would or wouldn't do about the time you set my boyfriend's car on fire,” Roxanne said. Julio disappeared into the kitchen. “Fuck both of you,” Clover said. She got up and followed him. “Hey, Julio,” she called. He was standing at the dish sink and turned around at the sound of her voice. “Listen, dude,” she said, “I hope I didn't say anything that offended you or got you upset or what not. That's just me clowning around.” “It is fine. I understand.” “Well, I think we put a lot of extra work on you tonight, coming in here and disrupting and shouting and singing and all.” “No, it is fine, Missus.” “Well, it's Christmas and all that. I'd like to maybe give you a little something for your trouble…” Julio waved his hands. “No Missus, we are not allowed to except tips.” “Yeah, I wasn't talking about giving you money.” She looked around and saw an open door at the back of the kitchen. She walked to it and peered into a dark room. “What's in here?” she asked. “That's the manager's office.” Clover walked in and flipped the light switch. A large flat top desk against the far wall nearly filled the room. There was a faux leather swivel chair in front of it. Clover plopped down into it, spun around, and put her feet up on the desk. Julio stood in the doorway, looking nervous. “The manager does not like anyone sitting in his chair,” he said, “No one is allowed.” “But you're the assistant manager right?” “Si.” “So when he ain't here, you're the fucking manager and it's your chair.” “I do not think so…” “And I am your guest, so I can sit in your chair.” “Missus,” he said, “I know it's a foolish rule but I need this job.” “Do you think I'm gonna tell anybody about this?” Julio looked at her with a puzzled expression. “About what, Missus?” “First of all, stop calling me Missus. Then come over here and find out.” She sat up, put her feet on the floor and patted the top of the desk. Julio leaned back and looked around the kitchen as if he suspected someone might be lurking there. Clover patted the desktop again. “The boss told you not to sit in his chair, but he didn't say shit about sitting on his desk, did he?” “No. I suppose he did not.” She pushed the chair back until it banged into the wall. “So have a seat.” Julio bit his lip, seeming lost in thought, then sat on the edge of the desk. “Dude, lose that dumbass apron.” Julio reached behind his back and untied the apron. Before he could pull it over his head, Clover had his belt unbuckled. He watched with an expression of amazement as she deftly unsnapped his waistband, yanked down his zipper, and pulled his cock free. “Do all the men in Columbia have big dicks?” she asked as she wrapped her hand around it. “Si,” Julio said, “It is well known in Latin America, Missus.” “You call me Missus again and I might bite it off,” she said. She flicked her tongue at the head, then wrapped her lips around it and began to suck. Julio briefly lifted his hips from the desk and tugged his pants and shorts down to his thighs. Clover cupped his balls in her left hand, massaging them, while her right hand stroked his shaft. She took it in her mouth again, but almost immediately, she heard a chime ringing. She raised her head and asked Julio, “What the fuck is that?” Julio had a look of panic on his face. “Someone is at the drive-through,” he said, “I must go serve them.” He started to rise, but she put her hands on his hips and pushed him back down. “No, fuck that,” she said, “Stay right there.” She got up and rushed to the dining room. Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth, kissing. “Hey, you fucking lovebirds, I need help here,” she shouted. When they looked at her in surprise, she said, “There's somebody in the fucking drive-through. Either of you guys ever work at a fast food place?” “I worked at Burger King in high school.” Sporty said. “Well, pry Roxy's hand off your whopper and get the fuck in here and find out what they want.” She disappeared back into the kitchen. Roxanne and Sporty looked at each other and shrugged. “I'll give it a try,” Sporty said. He slipped out of the booth and headed toward the kitchen, Roxanne following close behind. “It's like somebody told Santa they wanted a shit show for Christmas,” she muttered. Sporty went to the drive-through window and looked around. “Fuck. I don't know how to use this touchscreen shit,” he said. “Can you at least talk to the guy?” Roxanne asked. “Yeah, that shit looks the same. Hold on.” He was distracted by the sounds coming from the manager's office. “What's she doing in there?” he asked. “Sounds like she's sucking his dick.” “Damn, she's loud, too. Sounds like somebody got a rag stuck in their wet-vac.” He pressed several buttons on the communications panel, but nothing happened. He fiddled with the volume knob, and clicked the headset on and off, all to no avail. Suddenly, he was startled by a blasting horn, and looked over to see a white pick up truck right outside the window The driver, a large, red faced, bearded man, was glaring at him. “Honey, I don't think that's Santa Claus,” Roxanne said. Sporty slid the window open. “I've been out here trying to order for ten fucking minutes,” the man shouted. “Yeah, sorry about that,” Sporty said. “We got some kind of computer problem.” The man looked past him at Roxanne. “Looks to me like the problem is you're having some kind of party in there.” “Naw, she's the manager. She come in to try to fix it.” “So why isn't she fixing it?” “Sir,” Roxanne said, “I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do about it until the tech guys get here.” “I worked to midnight on Christmas Eve. All I wanted was some burgers for when I get home.” “I'll see what I can get for you, no charge.” She went to the grill. There were onions simmering in the corner and pre-cooked patties in a warming pan. She found a package of buns and put a half dozen on the grill to brown. The man tapped his fingers impatiently on the door of his car. “This is some bullshit,” he barked at Sporty, “You got something for me or not?” “Roxy is fixing it up right now.” “The manager's name is Roxy?” “Yeah, she was named for her grandmom.” Roxanne's glasses kept steaming up from the grill's heat. She did her best to assemble the burgers, but one got no onions, one had triple pickle and some were drenched with mustard and ketchup while others got no more than a drop or two. She boxed the burgers, stacked them in a bag, and handed it to Sporty. “About time,” the man grumbled. “What about a Coke? I need something to drink.” “Coming right up!” Roxanne said with a big smile. As she poured a Coke from the dispenser she thought, I hope those burgers give you the shits, asshole. Sporty handed him the drink and cheerily said, “Merry Christmas, sir.” The man growled. “Yeah, right. I guess the two of you can get back to whatever you were doing now.” “Thank you, sir,” Sporty said, “But we already finished that. Appreciate the thought though.” The man glared at them, muttered something underneath his breath, and drove off. “What did he say?” Roxanne asked. “I didn't catch in, but I think one of the words started with an F and one with an N.” “Feliz Navidad?” “Most likely not.” “Should we figure out how this works, in case someone else pulls up?” “How long Julio gonna take getting his nut?” Roxanne shrugged. “Hold up,” Sporty said, “I got a better idea.” He walked to the back door, opened it and, looking outside, flicked a couple of light switches on the walk. “There you go,” he said. “What did you do?” “Turned off the outside lights, so the place looks closed.” Clover took Julio's cock into her mouth until she felt his pubic hair tickling her nose, then swallowed. That will keep him from trying to go see what's happening in the kitchen, she thought. When she was out of breath, she rose up, releasing his cock with a loud popping sound. She circled the head with her tongue a few times, then dove down and swallowed again. It was late, she was tired, her jaw was starting to ache and her belly was rumbling in complaint over its load of greasy hamburger. She sucked in her cheeks as hard as she could, and Julio exhaled loudly and raised his hips from the desk. As she lifted her head, Julio spurted into her mouth. She swallowed most of it, then picked up his apron off the desk and wiped her face with it, surreptitiously spitting out the rest of his load. He leaned forward, his head hanging low, while he recovered his breath. Clover stood up, and loudly burped. “Sorry about that,” she said. Julio stood, pulling up his pants. “It is okay, Missus.” They walked into the kitchen. Julio immediately noticed that it was dark outside the drive through window. “You friends, I think they turned off the lights,” he said, “I will have to turn them on and to see what else they might have done.” “Okay, well, Merry Christmas, dude.” “And to you, Missus.” Clover turned away, but he added, “Missus?” She looked back. “Maybe you will come for hamburgers again.” Clover looked him over. “Yeah, I might.” Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth when Clover returned to the dining room. Roxanne was leaning against him, her head on his shoulder and her eyes shut. Clover sat down across from them. “You guys about ready to go?” she asked. Roxanne sat up straight and stretched. “Yeah we might as well,” she said. Sporty looked out the window. “That sleet shit turned into real snow,” he said. He nudged Roxanne. “Let me up, baby.” She stood and he slid out of the booth. “Give me your keys,” he said, “I'll get your car warmed up.” She fished her keys out of her purse and handed them to him as he put on his coat. Watching him walk out, Clover said, “When a man cleans the snow off your car for you, he's getting serious. Especially if he does it after you fuck him.” “I think asking me to come with him to his mom's house for Christmas shows that pretty good, too.” “So, stop being a fucking pussy about it. You think you're going to find another nice guy who is obviously crazy about you and doesn't give a shit what you do for a living?” Roxanne was silent for a minute. “It doesn't seem likely, does it?” she said at last. They kissed again and Sporty said, “You know, I had a lot of girlfriends before, but I never brought one home with me on Christmas.” She patted his cheek, kissed him and said, “I've had a lot of boyfriends before, but I never fucked one in the bathroom at White Castle on Christmas Eve.” She kissed him on the nose and dashed to her car, calling, “See you tomorrow, babe.” “It's about time,” Clover said, as Roxanne got into the drivers seat, “I'm freezing my tits off over here.” “That's because they're fake.” “Probably. They should've come with like a heater option.” “I wish I'd known it was a problem, I would have got you one for Christmas.” Clover reached across the console and squeezed Roxanne's hand. “Merry Christmas, Rhonda,” she said. Roxanne felt her eyes moisten. “Merry Christmas, Charlene.” The last display before the park exit, the grand finale, was a great arc of lights over the road. On the left, Santa rode in his sleigh, overflowing bags of gift boxes and teddy bears behind him. His reindeer stretched along the arc, their legs blinking in a dance across the night sky. At the right end of the display, Rudolph's nose glowed like a beacon. “Nine!” Clover shouted, “Bitch, count ‘em! nine fucking reindeers!” “Rudolph doesn't count.” “He counts in this town.” “Why? Because Parks and Rec says he does?” Clover sat back, her arms crossed over her chest in triumph. “Nine fucking reindeer,” she smirked. “Eight,” Roxanne muttered. “Nine.” “Eight…” By  MelissaBaby for Literotica

St Nick visits a woman after her holiday office party. By BR_imornery81. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. Okay, I admit it. I had drunk WAY too much at the Christmas party and had done some stupid things, but I never dreamed in my wildest dreams things would go to where they did!! I mean, I am glad I did not do anything really stupid in public and I am thankful that Jim and his wife drove me home, but what happened after the door closed and they drove off, just defies any rational explanation this morning. My husband, Bill; has been overseas working for the last two weeks and will not be able to fly back from China for another two months. To say it sucks would be the biggest understatement of the year!! We Skype and chat online and all of that, but I am so tired of sleeping by myself in our King-sized bed and worst of all, never feeling a man's warm body next to me to curl up against; to press my boobs against. To make my lower lips wet and to make me shudder and… well, you get the picture.Before he left, we went to an adult toy store and to be honest, I was shocked. I had never in my wildest dreams realized there were so many different dongs, vibes fake cocks or whatever you want to call them!! Some, I have to admit, I stared at thinking either, “That would never fit ANY woman for pleasure or, “Now how the hell do you find any pleasure in THAT?!” But eventually, we found “Little Billy” as I christened him, and he was my substitute while “Big Bill” was in China. But Little Billy only left me more horny, and soon I started going out of my mind wanting sex!! I mean, it has only been three weeks and I cannot walk by a breathing male between the ages of 18 and 75 and not think, “I wonder how he is hung?” So when I was sitting on Santa's lap for the department pictures, I vaguely remember putting my hand on the old Elf's crotch and finding he was quite happy working that night!! In fact, while the camera person got everyone organized, I handled him to a full erection that I only barely kept from attacking right then and there!!! Unfortunately, Jim's wife wanted to go home soon after the picture, and since they really were the only other people heading my direction, I piled into their car and accepted their hospitality. Actually, I acted like I was asleep and once we had driven five minutes I heard Bill start moaning, and then, after she looked back at me a couple of more times, “Mrs. Jim” took off her seat belt and was in her husband's lap, sucking his cock like a noisy whore! I was so jealous, that I reached in my shirt and unhooked my front hooker and played with my D cup tits! I saw Jim's eyes about bug out of his head and then he adjusted mirror as he drove with his wife giving him a blow job and I knew he was looking now at me. I slid my blouse off of my shoulder and ran a hand up my skirt and gave him a show above the waist while I came only seconds after he did and just a minute before he pulled into my apartment complex. I didn't bother hooking my bra back up and just barely got my blouse closed before the Missus looked back at me to verify that I had not caught her. I played drunk and she put her seat belt on and a minute later we pulled to a stop in front of the apartment. I made Bill get out and “wake me from my "stupor”. And then he walked me up to my door. As we walked I whispered to him, “I wish your cock had been in my shaved pussy instead of your old wife's mouth there, Jimmy.” He looked over at me and I looked up to see that we were not making eye contact. He was looking down at my chest, so I opened my shirt up for him to get a better look and said, “You could have had them, stud…” With that, we reached my door and I handed him my keys and he struggled to put the key in the lock. I laughed and once he got the door open, I moved into him as if to kiss him and said, “And here is what you could have had.” And with that I brought my left hand, still covered with the juices of my cum and pushed three fingers into his mouth. The bastard's eyes flew open and then, despite his wife watching from 30 feet away, he sucked and licked my fingers clean before I laughed and went inside. With my back against the door, I turned the lock and ran the fingers that were only moments ago in my coworker's mouth, back into the wet slit of my pussy and began frigging my clit furiously. I could feel the walls of my pussy clamping around the nothing that was there, and I ached for a cock. I could not believe how horny I was and then it was as if it was the first time. On the mantle was a peppermint stick, one of those white ones with red and green spiraling around it, about a good cock width around and 18 inches long. I will tell you what, Ole' St. Nick had nothing on me as I ran to the fireplace, grabbed the hard candy and started to run it up between my now wet thighs. But then, I thought about all of that sugar and a urinary tract infection and… well you know, so it was off like a flash to the bedroom upstairs to get one of my husband's “rump riding” rubbers. I peeled back the foil and rolled the condom onto the confectionery delight and flopped back on the bed to enjoy my own Northern Lights display. I don't know whether it was the booze, having watched Bill and his wife go at it in the car, teasing him at the door or the using of something as innocent as a Christmas candy in my cunt, but within a very few minutes I was cumming as hard as I had for months even before my enforced abstinence!! In fact, it relaxed me so much that I drifted off to sleep, and this is where things get weird. The next thing that I remember I was naked and in my bedroom, but … somehow I was tied spread-eagle against the wall where the dresser sits. (I have no idea where the dresser went, but the mirror was still there, because I could see the room behind me.) That was when I saw Santa, standing in the middle of my bedroom and he had one of those old fashioned buggy whips in his hand. It was a flexible stick; maybe three feet long with a light-weight cord attached at its end and on the other end of the cord was a leather tassel that was swishing through the air with the casual flicks of his wrist. “Ah, you are finally awake. You have been very naughty this year Sandy Barber and with the price of coal, giving that to you would be a reward! So instead, I have come up with some different ways to handle the naughty girls this year!!” With that, he landed the first brush of the leather thong on my bare ass!! It really did not sting, but I jumped anyway,… just from the surprise of it. I heard a chuckle that I knew was the Jolly Old Elf's, but I also knew was nothing like the one I had imagined as a little girl!! The leather touched my bare flesh again and again, quickly moving from my shoulders to my knees and back. Each one of the touches were not even mildly painful, but combined they caused my skin to warm and within a minute I was beginning to sweat and feel my flesh warm and become ever more sensitive to each lick. After a few minutes of non-stop wrist flicking, the sensations began to move more toward a mosquito and then a bee sting. I pulled and struggled to avoid the flashing whip, but I could not move at all. I looked in the mirror back at the man, and his cheeks were flushed and his brow, beaded with sweat. At the corners of his mouth, just beneath the handlebar mustache of white, a smile was just visible, as if he was concentrating deeply upon the task at hand, but the sheer enjoyment of what he was doing could not be hidden. Then he stopped and he moved up behind me and let the buggy whip fall to the floor. “Your skin blushes so well,” he whispered in my ear. Then I felt his hand at the top of the cleft of my ass as it slid all the way down between my hyper-sensitive cheeks. His finger only hesitated a moment as it made its way over the bud of my butthole. Before I knew what was happening, his fingers were opening the folds of my pussy from behind. “You are such a wet little slut, aren't you? I guess we will have to set that in order too.” With that he stepped back from me and my wondering eyes beheld his enormous bulge with fear, as he undid the thick belt around his waist and folded it over. When I blinked again, I saw his belt shrink and it was only a little more than a couple of finger widths and maybe a foot and a half long. He then dragged the soft leather across my hypersensitive flesh and it reminded me of velvet, so soft. “You are going to like this, my child. You are going to like this a lot,” he breathed into my ear and I shuddered. Then he stepped back and with an underhand stroke, landed the leather strap on the bud of my asshole and it whipped its way underneath me, covering my whole pussy with a sudden snap and stopping just short of my clit!! I let out a squeal!!! I have NEVER associated pain and sex. I thought that such things were so opposite in nature that there was no way possible that they could ever go together. And yet I found myself panting as his slaps caused the blood to come to the surface of my most tender flesh!! I knew this could not be real, but I had no idea how I could ever dream up such mixed emotions and feelings. My pussy was on fire and I felt the folds of flesh engorge and swell, wanting to grasp and hold something deep within itself. After what was probably no more than a couple of minutes, the man in red went to my nightstand, where a glass of ice cubes sat. His fingers collected a piece of ice and then, crossing the room, he moved up right behind me and allowed a few drops of ice cold water to fall upon my hot ass cheeks. I moaned. The contrast of my warmed skin and the ice water was incredible, and I heard the moans from deep in my chest, boiling up through my very soul and out my mouth. What he did next was cruel, as he rubbed the frozen cube across my burning labia and I thought I would faint!!! Back and forth, up and down he moved the ice as I squirmed and moved but I was no match for my bonds. Then, without a word of warning he slid what was left back toward my puckered asshole and he forced the tapered icicle missile inside my dark passage!!! As I moaned under his touch, my tormenter leaned over my shoulder and nibbled upon my ear before saying. “You are even more naughty than I knew!! It seems this may require a little more effort than I thought at first.” He then trailed his tongue down my neck to where it flared out for my shoulders where he sucked a love bite before saying, “Yes, you need the North pole treatment.” He turned his head and said, “Boys, get the chairs!” I saw the two elves then over by the door for the first time. They were maybe four feet tall at the most, and very slim, but also unmistakably male, and they darted out the door in a flash, only to return a second later, each with a wooden, straight-back chair in their hands. As I watched, they placed the two chairs facing each other and then tied their front legs together so that it almost made a bench with chair backs at either end. Santa led me over to stand behind the chairs. (How did I get untied? It was a strange dream!!!) Without a word, the elves each took a length of ribbon and fastened my ankles wide to the outside of the chair legs. With a hand on my back, Santa pushed my torso forward and I found that the back of the chair was the perfect height for keeping my lower body straight. The elves, once again, quickly and efficiently went to work and in the twinkle of an eye, my hands were made fast to the back of the far chair by more Christmas ribbon. I looked back and down between my breasts, which hung large and free beneath me, and saw what I could not believe. With the belt gone from his suit, Santa's pants had been kicked aside and my eyes saw the fattest cock I have ever seen!! I swear to God, the shaft was almost as big around as a can of beer and the head of his cock was even larger!!! “You are so wet, this should be a fun fuck my naughty girl.” I looked down and the elves were now sitting on either side of me the floor with their backs to the chairs. They had shed their pants, and one of them had my baby oil and was lubing up his cock with that, while the other was using my body lotion to polish his rod! Their cocks were normal in girth, but probably nearly 15 inches in length. They looked back at me, at just that moment and they laughed and rolled their heads back, right under my breasts and those little imps each latched deeply onto a nipple and began to suck my boobies down their throats!!! They sucked, in such a way that their tongues seemed to milk my nipples while their mouths and lip covered teeth clamped and pulled fluids from deep inside my body that had never been there before and I could almost feel milk spraying down their throats!! That sensation was interrupted as my lower lips were parted wide to accommodate the huge cock of old St. Nick. He paused only a moment… and then Santa began pushing his monster into me and I could, for a moment, understand what a chimney went through when the Jolly fat man with a sack of toys went down it! But from the sounds coming from the bearded man behind me as he worked himself deeper into my wet flesh, he enjoyed pushing himself into me far more than any chimney!!! He started slowly to move just a little in and out of me at first. But steadily he built the tempo and the thrust tempo into my body. I have never in all of my life felt so full!! At the same time, the two elves continued to do things to me with my breasts that no man or boy had ever done to me before. In fact, I think they could have made me cum, just by sucking on my boobs!!! I came in a thundering climax and I must have passed out for a minute or so, because when I came to, the elf that had used the baby oil on his cock had slid himself under me and was smearing more oil on my tits, as the other stood in front of me, pushing his fuck stick against my lips!! Old Saint Nick had built up quite a rhythm behind me and was pounding me from behind like a jack-hammer. I felt “Baby Oil” elf squeeze my tits together while pulling on my areolas and nipples in an erotic fashion that was only heightened by the feeling of his long meat moving up and back through my cleavage. I opened my mouth to scream and the other elf's throbbing cock slid into my mouth! I rolled my eyes up to look at him and saw him staring down at me with a wolfish smile. He stuck his tongue out at me and wagged the long, almost snake like ribbon of flesh at me as if to show me how talented he was and that his tongue was very capable of doing more than my husband had ever done for me. The unspoken offer was, that first I had to use my own mouth for his pleasure!! In that moment, I decided I would try my best to make all three of their Christmas wishes come true!!! There was a suddenly a new shocking sensation as Santa began opening my sphincter with spit and the tip of a thumb. Within a minute he was knuckle deep in me as he began roaring his lust as he slammed his body one final time, balls deep into me! I felt white hot jets of jizz shoot between my tits and onto my belly as the elf beneath me moaned and then my mouth was full of cum as well! All three of them just kept blowing load after load into me and all over my exposed body until my mind spun completely out of control, and I passed out again. When I next opened my eyes, the room was back to normal and Santa and his elves were gone. I smiled to myself as I thought in amazement how wonderful and amazing my over-active dream had seemed. Then I rolled over to go to the bathroom and the flood of cum ran down my leg. That was also when I saw the green sack sitting on the floor by the bathroom door. Out of the mouth of the bag, flowed a wonderful assortment of adult toys, beyond my most rich imaginations!!! Some may say there is no such thing as Santa…but I am here to tell you. My sore pussy, full toy drawer and bruised wrists tell a completely different story!! Wherever you are, my Jolly fat freak of an elf, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!! Thank you Santa!!! Please don't wait another year to cum again!!! By BR_imornery81 for Literotica

St Nick visits a woman after her holiday office party. By BR_imornery81. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. Okay, I admit it. I had drunk WAY too much at the Christmas party and had done some stupid things, but I never dreamed in my wildest dreams things would go to where they did!! I mean, I am glad I did not do anything really stupid in public and I am thankful that Jim and his wife drove me home, but what happened after the door closed and they drove off, just defies any rational explanation this morning. My husband, Bill; has been overseas working for the last two weeks and will not be able to fly back from China for another two months. To say it sucks would be the biggest understatement of the year!! We Skype and chat online and all of that, but I am so tired of sleeping by myself in our King-sized bed and worst of all, never feeling a man's warm body next to me to curl up against; to press my boobs against. To make my lower lips wet and to make me shudder and… well, you get the picture.Before he left, we went to an adult toy store and to be honest, I was shocked. I had never in my wildest dreams realized there were so many different dongs, vibes fake cocks or whatever you want to call them!! Some, I have to admit, I stared at thinking either, “That would never fit ANY woman for pleasure or, “Now how the hell do you find any pleasure in THAT?!” But eventually, we found “Little Billy” as I christened him, and he was my substitute while “Big Bill” was in China. But Little Billy only left me more horny, and soon I started going out of my mind wanting sex!! I mean, it has only been three weeks and I cannot walk by a breathing male between the ages of 18 and 75 and not think, “I wonder how he is hung?” So when I was sitting on Santa's lap for the department pictures, I vaguely remember putting my hand on the old Elf's crotch and finding he was quite happy working that night!! In fact, while the camera person got everyone organized, I handled him to a full erection that I only barely kept from attacking right then and there!!! Unfortunately, Jim's wife wanted to go home soon after the picture, and since they really were the only other people heading my direction, I piled into their car and accepted their hospitality. Actually, I acted like I was asleep and once we had driven five minutes I heard Bill start moaning, and then, after she looked back at me a couple of more times, “Mrs. Jim” took off her seat belt and was in her husband's lap, sucking his cock like a noisy whore! I was so jealous, that I reached in my shirt and unhooked my front hooker and played with my D cup tits! I saw Jim's eyes about bug out of his head and then he adjusted mirror as he drove with his wife giving him a blow job and I knew he was looking now at me. I slid my blouse off of my shoulder and ran a hand up my skirt and gave him a show above the waist while I came only seconds after he did and just a minute before he pulled into my apartment complex. I didn't bother hooking my bra back up and just barely got my blouse closed before the Missus looked back at me to verify that I had not caught her. I played drunk and she put her seat belt on and a minute later we pulled to a stop in front of the apartment. I made Bill get out and “wake me from my "stupor”. And then he walked me up to my door. As we walked I whispered to him, “I wish your cock had been in my shaved pussy instead of your old wife's mouth there, Jimmy.” He looked over at me and I looked up to see that we were not making eye contact. He was looking down at my chest, so I opened my shirt up for him to get a better look and said, “You could have had them, stud…” With that, we reached my door and I handed him my keys and he struggled to put the key in the lock. I laughed and once he got the door open, I moved into him as if to kiss him and said, “And here is what you could have had.” And with that I brought my left hand, still covered with the juices of my cum and pushed three fingers into his mouth. The bastard's eyes flew open and then, despite his wife watching from 30 feet away, he sucked and licked my fingers clean before I laughed and went inside. With my back against the door, I turned the lock and ran the fingers that were only moments ago in my coworker's mouth, back into the wet slit of my pussy and began frigging my clit furiously. I could feel the walls of my pussy clamping around the nothing that was there, and I ached for a cock. I could not believe how horny I was and then it was as if it was the first time. On the mantle was a peppermint stick, one of those white ones with red and green spiraling around it, about a good cock width around and 18 inches long. I will tell you what, Ole' St. Nick had nothing on me as I ran to the fireplace, grabbed the hard candy and started to run it up between my now wet thighs. But then, I thought about all of that sugar and a urinary tract infection and… well you know, so it was off like a flash to the bedroom upstairs to get one of my husband's “rump riding” rubbers. I peeled back the foil and rolled the condom onto the confectionery delight and flopped back on the bed to enjoy my own Northern Lights display. I don't know whether it was the booze, having watched Bill and his wife go at it in the car, teasing him at the door or the using of something as innocent as a Christmas candy in my cunt, but within a very few minutes I was cumming as hard as I had for months even before my enforced abstinence!! In fact, it relaxed me so much that I drifted off to sleep, and this is where things get weird. The next thing that I remember I was naked and in my bedroom, but … somehow I was tied spread-eagle against the wall where the dresser sits. (I have no idea where the dresser went, but the mirror was still there, because I could see the room behind me.) That was when I saw Santa, standing in the middle of my bedroom and he had one of those old fashioned buggy whips in his hand. It was a flexible stick; maybe three feet long with a light-weight cord attached at its end and on the other end of the cord was a leather tassel that was swishing through the air with the casual flicks of his wrist. “Ah, you are finally awake. You have been very naughty this year Sandy Barber and with the price of coal, giving that to you would be a reward! So instead, I have come up with some different ways to handle the naughty girls this year!!” With that, he landed the first brush of the leather thong on my bare ass!! It really did not sting, but I jumped anyway,… just from the surprise of it. I heard a chuckle that I knew was the Jolly Old Elf's, but I also knew was nothing like the one I had imagined as a little girl!! The leather touched my bare flesh again and again, quickly moving from my shoulders to my knees and back. Each one of the touches were not even mildly painful, but combined they caused my skin to warm and within a minute I was beginning to sweat and feel my flesh warm and become ever more sensitive to each lick. After a few minutes of non-stop wrist flicking, the sensations began to move more toward a mosquito and then a bee sting. I pulled and struggled to avoid the flashing whip, but I could not move at all. I looked in the mirror back at the man, and his cheeks were flushed and his brow, beaded with sweat. At the corners of his mouth, just beneath the handlebar mustache of white, a smile was just visible, as if he was concentrating deeply upon the task at hand, but the sheer enjoyment of what he was doing could not be hidden. Then he stopped and he moved up behind me and let the buggy whip fall to the floor. “Your skin blushes so well,” he whispered in my ear. Then I felt his hand at the top of the cleft of my ass as it slid all the way down between my hyper-sensitive cheeks. His finger only hesitated a moment as it made its way over the bud of my butthole. Before I knew what was happening, his fingers were opening the folds of my pussy from behind. “You are such a wet little slut, aren't you? I guess we will have to set that in order too.” With that he stepped back from me and my wondering eyes beheld his enormous bulge with fear, as he undid the thick belt around his waist and folded it over. When I blinked again, I saw his belt shrink and it was only a little more than a couple of finger widths and maybe a foot and a half long. He then dragged the soft leather across my hypersensitive flesh and it reminded me of velvet, so soft. “You are going to like this, my child. You are going to like this a lot,” he breathed into my ear and I shuddered. Then he stepped back and with an underhand stroke, landed the leather strap on the bud of my asshole and it whipped its way underneath me, covering my whole pussy with a sudden snap and stopping just short of my clit!! I let out a squeal!!! I have NEVER associated pain and sex. I thought that such things were so opposite in nature that there was no way possible that they could ever go together. And yet I found myself panting as his slaps caused the blood to come to the surface of my most tender flesh!! I knew this could not be real, but I had no idea how I could ever dream up such mixed emotions and feelings. My pussy was on fire and I felt the folds of flesh engorge and swell, wanting to grasp and hold something deep within itself. After what was probably no more than a couple of minutes, the man in red went to my nightstand, where a glass of ice cubes sat. His fingers collected a piece of ice and then, crossing the room, he moved up right behind me and allowed a few drops of ice cold water to fall upon my hot ass cheeks. I moaned. The contrast of my warmed skin and the ice water was incredible, and I heard the moans from deep in my chest, boiling up through my very soul and out my mouth. What he did next was cruel, as he rubbed the frozen cube across my burning labia and I thought I would faint!!! Back and forth, up and down he moved the ice as I squirmed and moved but I was no match for my bonds. Then, without a word of warning he slid what was left back toward my puckered asshole and he forced the tapered icicle missile inside my dark passage!!! As I moaned under his touch, my tormenter leaned over my shoulder and nibbled upon my ear before saying. “You are even more naughty than I knew!! It seems this may require a little more effort than I thought at first.” He then trailed his tongue down my neck to where it flared out for my shoulders where he sucked a love bite before saying, “Yes, you need the North pole treatment.” He turned his head and said, “Boys, get the chairs!” I saw the two elves then over by the door for the first time. They were maybe four feet tall at the most, and very slim, but also unmistakably male, and they darted out the door in a flash, only to return a second later, each with a wooden, straight-back chair in their hands. As I watched, they placed the two chairs facing each other and then tied their front legs together so that it almost made a bench with chair backs at either end. Santa led me over to stand behind the chairs. (How did I get untied? It was a strange dream!!!) Without a word, the elves each took a length of ribbon and fastened my ankles wide to the outside of the chair legs. With a hand on my back, Santa pushed my torso forward and I found that the back of the chair was the perfect height for keeping my lower body straight. The elves, once again, quickly and efficiently went to work and in the twinkle of an eye, my hands were made fast to the back of the far chair by more Christmas ribbon. I looked back and down between my breasts, which hung large and free beneath me, and saw what I could not believe. With the belt gone from his suit, Santa's pants had been kicked aside and my eyes saw the fattest cock I have ever seen!! I swear to God, the shaft was almost as big around as a can of beer and the head of his cock was even larger!!! “You are so wet, this should be a fun fuck my naughty girl.” I looked down and the elves were now sitting on either side of me the floor with their backs to the chairs. They had shed their pants, and one of them had my baby oil and was lubing up his cock with that, while the other was using my body lotion to polish his rod! Their cocks were normal in girth, but probably nearly 15 inches in length. They looked back at me, at just that moment and they laughed and rolled their heads back, right under my breasts and those little imps each latched deeply onto a nipple and began to suck my boobies down their throats!!! They sucked, in such a way that their tongues seemed to milk my nipples while their mouths and lip covered teeth clamped and pulled fluids from deep inside my body that had never been there before and I could almost feel milk spraying down their throats!! That sensation was interrupted as my lower lips were parted wide to accommodate the huge cock of old St. Nick. He paused only a moment… and then Santa began pushing his monster into me and I could, for a moment, understand what a chimney went through when the Jolly fat man with a sack of toys went down it! But from the sounds coming from the bearded man behind me as he worked himself deeper into my wet flesh, he enjoyed pushing himself into me far more than any chimney!!! He started slowly to move just a little in and out of me at first. But steadily he built the tempo and the thrust tempo into my body. I have never in all of my life felt so full!! At the same time, the two elves continued to do things to me with my breasts that no man or boy had ever done to me before. In fact, I think they could have made me cum, just by sucking on my boobs!!! I came in a thundering climax and I must have passed out for a minute or so, because when I came to, the elf that had used the baby oil on his cock had slid himself under me and was smearing more oil on my tits, as the other stood in front of me, pushing his fuck stick against my lips!! Old Saint Nick had built up quite a rhythm behind me and was pounding me from behind like a jack-hammer. I felt “Baby Oil” elf squeeze my tits together while pulling on my areolas and nipples in an erotic fashion that was only heightened by the feeling of his long meat moving up and back through my cleavage. I opened my mouth to scream and the other elf's throbbing cock slid into my mouth! I rolled my eyes up to look at him and saw him staring down at me with a wolfish smile. He stuck his tongue out at me and wagged the long, almost snake like ribbon of flesh at me as if to show me how talented he was and that his tongue was very capable of doing more than my husband had ever done for me. The unspoken offer was, that first I had to use my own mouth for his pleasure!! In that moment, I decided I would try my best to make all three of their Christmas wishes come true!!! There was a suddenly a new shocking sensation as Santa began opening my sphincter with spit and the tip of a thumb. Within a minute he was knuckle deep in me as he began roaring his lust as he slammed his body one final time, balls deep into me! I felt white hot jets of jizz shoot between my tits and onto my belly as the elf beneath me moaned and then my mouth was full of cum as well! All three of them just kept blowing load after load into me and all over my exposed body until my mind spun completely out of control, and I passed out again. When I next opened my eyes, the room was back to normal and Santa and his elves were gone. I smiled to myself as I thought in amazement how wonderful and amazing my over-active dream had seemed. Then I rolled over to go to the bathroom and the flood of cum ran down my leg. That was also when I saw the green sack sitting on the floor by the bathroom door. Out of the mouth of the bag, flowed a wonderful assortment of adult toys, beyond my most rich imaginations!!! Some may say there is no such thing as Santa…but I am here to tell you. My sore pussy, full toy drawer and bruised wrists tell a completely different story!! Wherever you are, my Jolly fat freak of an elf, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!! Thank you Santa!!! Please don't wait another year to cum again!!! By BR_imornery81 for Literotica

Half a ca podcast, half a gym podcast with Wifey Bec moss

The boys playing up today in the sausage factory 

Episode 230 feat. Adam and Taylor. Come send it with the boys, as we discuss - Dudes who wear rings, Poker, Free to air, Boarder patrol, British actors, Morbius, Noise complaints, Mike Tyson, Penis size, Burton and Bennett, Kanye and his Missus, and much more... Patreon BoSodes(Bonus Episodes):  patreon.com/BigSendPodcast Please forward all complaints to: bigsendpodcast@gmail.com  Thanks for your support x

Mixed by IliasRo, ARTISTS: Daniel Portman, Munz, Maze 28, John Cosani, Solis [US], PPatch Park, Redspace & ISMAIL.M, Kay Lean, Missus,Stark & Sahin , Ivan Baffa

The NY Mets are HOT all thanks to Grimace and Jose Iglesias aka Candelita's OMG, so C&R highlight some of the best (and maybe worst) rally cries of the past.  And Troy Aikman catches heat for calling Taylor Swift the "Missus" after hearing are rumor that she and Travis Kelce are engaged, so we highlight some of the best rumors and urban legends in pop culture and sports. And Rich shares his Thursday night MLB/NFL parlay courtesy of DraftKings code: CRSHOW #FSR #CRSHOW #Overpromised See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Jennifer Lopez opened up about her split from Ben Affleck in a candid interview, reflecting on the end of their two-year marriage. Despite ESPN commentator Troy Aikman's cheeky comments on Monday Night Football referring to Swift as "The Missus," sources close to the couple are shutting down the engagement rumors. Anne Hathaway recently apologized to reporter after a 2012 interview resurfaced on TikTok. Rob is joined by the charming Marc Lupo. Don't forget to vote in today's poll on Twitter at @naughtynicerob or in our Facebook group.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The NY Mets are HOT all thanks to Grimace and Jose Iglesias aka Candelita's OMG, so C&R highlight some of the best (and maybe worst) rally cries of the past.  And Troy Aikman catches heat for calling Taylor Swift the "Missus" after hearing are rumor that she and Travis Kelce are engaged, so we highlight some of the best rumors and urban legends in pop culture and sports. And Rich shares his Thursday night MLB/NFL parlay courtesy of DraftKings code: CRSHOW #FSR #CRSHOW #Overpromised See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The markets were right: The Federal Reserve cut interest rates by a half percent on Wednesday, and markets initially climbed, then sold off to end negative for the day. But after pondering overnight, market futures indicated a strong start to Thursday's trading day. If markets rally and hold through Friday, they will be set to hit all time highs, once again. Will we see rotation into other sectors as a by product? The Fed is trying to position rates where they should be, given the current economic conditions. All Labor data now become very important. With lower rates, will there be a rash of corporate debt refinancing? (This rate cut is not likely to affect mortgage or consumer lending debt, yet. Will lower rates spark more activity, and thus become inflationary? Is the Fed rate cut good for stocks? Lance and Michael look at the history and analysis of corrections; it's easy to find reasons to NOT invest. Bear Markets & Corrections were more frequent prior to the 1990's. The dirty Truth: The Fed has become the defacto manager of the US Economy. What will other Central Banks do next? Are we entering a Global Easing Cycle? (Lance relates his Missus has been working a lot, losing sleep, and is ill-tempered this week; also comments about clocks and studio tchotchkies.) Markets look to open strong; what does the underlying data say? There is a sharp contraction in Q3 earnings estimates. Can markets today sustain the breakout? Bond yields are still too high for this economy. SEG-1: Markets Were Right About Fed's Rate Cut SEG-2: What the Fed's 50-bps Rate Cut Means SEG-3: Is the Fed Rate Cut Good for Stocks? SEG-4a: Mrs. Roberts is Cranky & Studio Stuff SEG-4b: What Does the Underlying Data Say About the Economy? Hosted by RIA Advisors Chief Investment Strategist Lance Roberts, CIO, w Portfolio Manager Michael Lebowitz, CFA Produced by Brent Clanton, Executive Producer ------- Watch today's show video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQWDEg-aQnI&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=973s ------- Articles mentioned in this report: "Trump Or Harris: Corporate Tax Winners And Losers" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/trump-or-harris-corporate-tax-winners-and-losers/ "Momentum Investing Gives You An Edge, Until It Doesn't" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/momentum-investing-gives-you-an-edge-until-it-doesnt/ "Conviction (Or How To Lose A Lot Of Money In Investing)" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/conviction-or-how-to-lose-a-lot-of-money-in-investing/ "Market Risks We Are Watching" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ ------- The latest installment of our new feature, Before the Bell, "Can Markets Hold on to Breakout?" is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of34bE1oBm4&list=PLwNgo56zE4RAbkqxgdj-8GOvjZTp9_Zlz&index=1 ------- Our previous show is here: "Fed Rate Decision 2024: Boom or Bust for Your Investments?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTRfDmSCQa4&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=10s ------- Get more info & commentary: https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ -------- SUBSCRIBE to The Real Investment Show here: http://www.youtube.com/c/TheRealInvestmentShow -------- Visit our Site: https://www.realinvestmentadvice.com Contact Us: 1-855-RIA-PLAN -------- Subscribe to SimpleVisor: https://www.simplevisor.com/register-new -------- Connect with us on social: https://twitter.com/RealInvAdvice https://twitter.com/LanceRoberts https://www.facebook.com/RealInvestmentAdvice/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/realinvestmentadvice/ #FedRateDecision #StockMarketUpdate #InflationImpact #InvestmentStrategy #EconomicOutlook #PortfolioManagement #InterestRates #FinancialPlanning #RecessionWatch #BondMarket#Markets #Money #Investing

The markets were right: The Federal Reserve cut interest rates by a half percent on Wednesday, and markets initially climbed, then sold off to end negative for the day. But after pondering overnight, market futures indicated a strong start to Thursday's trading day. If markets rally and hold through Friday, they will be set to hit all time highs, once again. Will we see rotation into other sectors as a by product? The Fed is trying to position rates where they should be, given the current economic conditions. All Labor data now become very important. With lower rates, will there be a rash of corporate debt refinancing? (This rate cut is not likely to affect mortgage or consumer lending debt, yet. Will lower rates spark more activity, and thus become inflationary? Is the Fed rate cut good for stocks? Lance and Michael look at the history and analysis of corrections; it's easy to find reasons to NOT invest. Bear Markets & Corrections were more frequent prior to the 1990's. The dirty Truth: The Fed has become the defacto manager of the US Economy. What will other Central Banks do next? Are we entering a Global Easing Cycle? (Lance relates his Missus has been working a lot, losing sleep, and is ill-tempered this week; also comments about clocks and studio tchotchkies.) Markets look to open strong; what does the underlying data say? There is a sharp contraction in Q3 earnings estimates. Can markets today sustain the breakout? Bond yields are still too high for this economy. SEG-1: Markets Were Right About Fed's Rate Cut SEG-2: What the Fed's 50-bps Rate Cut Means SEG-3: Is the Fed Rate Cut Good for Stocks? SEG-4a: Mrs. Roberts is Cranky & Studio Stuff SEG-4b: What Does the Underlying Data Say About the Economy? Hosted by RIA Advisors Chief Investment Strategist Lance Roberts, CIO, w Portfolio Manager Michael Lebowitz, CFA Produced by Brent Clanton, Executive Producer ------- Watch today's show video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lQWDEg-aQnI&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=973s ------- Articles mentioned in this report: "Trump Or Harris: Corporate Tax Winners And Losers" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/trump-or-harris-corporate-tax-winners-and-losers/ "Momentum Investing Gives You An Edge, Until It Doesn't" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/momentum-investing-gives-you-an-edge-until-it-doesnt/ "Conviction (Or How To Lose A Lot Of Money In Investing)" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/conviction-or-how-to-lose-a-lot-of-money-in-investing/ "Market Risks We Are Watching" https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ ------- The latest installment of our new feature, Before the Bell, "Can Markets Hold on to Breakout?" is here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=of34bE1oBm4&list=PLwNgo56zE4RAbkqxgdj-8GOvjZTp9_Zlz&index=1 ------- Our previous show is here: "Fed Rate Decision 2024: Boom or Bust for Your Investments?" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTRfDmSCQa4&list=PLVT8LcWPeAugpcGzM8hHyEP11lE87RYPe&index=1&t=10s ------- Get more info & commentary:  https://realinvestmentadvice.com/newsletter/ -------- SUBSCRIBE to The Real Investment Show here: http://www.youtube.com/c/TheRealInvestmentShow -------- Visit our Site: https://www.realinvestmentadvice.com Contact Us: 1-855-RIA-PLAN -------- Subscribe to SimpleVisor: https://www.simplevisor.com/register-new -------- Connect with us on social: https://twitter.com/RealInvAdvice https://twitter.com/LanceRoberts https://www.facebook.com/RealInvestmentAdvice/ https://www.linkedin.com/in/realinvestmentadvice/ #FedRateDecision #StockMarketUpdate #InflationImpact #InvestmentStrategy #EconomicOutlook #PortfolioManagement #InterestRates #FinancialPlanning  #RecessionWatch #BondMarket#Markets #Money #Investing

In this episode, Jeff and his lovely (but tired) wife, Miho, take listeners on peaceful walks through Nagano's rice fields, joined by their Shiba Inu, Kako. As they stroll, they share heartfelt conversations about life, parenting, and their everyday experiences. With nature's backdrop, each episode offers a soothing escape into the simple joys of family and life in Japan.Like what you hear? Then, please support the show by becoming a patron at Patreon. Deep in Japan is completely independent and crowd-funded, and every yen helps keep the thing going. BGM: 24☆7 (feat. Ryugo Ishida & TAEYO)Contact: deep.in.japan.podcast@gmail.comThanks for listening!

Context is important!This is a loooong one! Oo-er, Missus! Mr. Burdis goes to London! Anyone for Ennis? No sez Mr Ross! Flint sets the record straight! Rossy reviews 'Misty!' and we all review the current Prog!

The Artist wants you to meet Jimmy Tubesteak. Mex then celebrates getting Russian puppies. He is very excited to make a pizza out of The Missus' head and realizes his new alarm system has a lot of "F" words in it.

Host Adam Walsh speaks with some of the folks involved in the making of the TV show The Missus Downstairs — joining him are Newfoundland and Labrador talents Mary Walsh, Dave Sullivan, Renee Hackett and Ruth Lawrence.

Xavier Ellis, Ryan Daniels and Nick Rynne read your questions. Send your questions in for next week's episode via Instagram DM (@hardballgetsafl) or e-mail hardballgets@wanews.com.au. Voice messages are welcome.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

In this show we play an ad for Botched Podcast and the graphic novel Lychan: Solomon's Odyssey. Also the party explores a library.  Cast: Andrew Collins-Anderson- Lance SaundersJared Witkofsky: The HandlerChris Thiel- Dewie BoydDanny Deluca- Kerry 'The Devil' ErsoyChris French- Newt OckneyMorgan Just- Sacha Stumpf Music by Tyler Cook, Danny Deluca, Jordan Fickel, Pressure Highway, and Motoshi Kosako    Published by arrangement with the Delta Green Partnership. The intellectual property known as Delta Green is a trademark and copyright owned by the Delta Green Partnership, who has licensed its use here. The contents of this document are © Playing with Madness Podcast, excepting those elements that are components of the Delta Green intellectual property.          

For the next few weeks, please enjoy repeat performances of some of the Bad Dates team's favorite episodes.On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Jack Whitehall, Katherine Ryan, and Hanna Dickinson to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Jack bottles it up over a broken bottle, Katherine explains why sometimes you SHOULD go home again, and Hanna's date offers her an unexpected injection. Plus, Jameela shares a listener letter about the worst kind of fashion accessory.Jack Whitehall: Settle Down on Netflix, The Afterparty on Apple TV+Katherine Ryan: Telling Everybody Everything, Missus on SkyHanna Dickinson: Ha Ha Land, hannadickinson.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

In 1934, Buts and Jack bond while searching for Missus Bestfriend while Isaac continues the mission to find Buts' family. Meanwhile, in 2008, after a medical scare puts her into the hospital, the elder Buts is reunited with a long-lost friend.  Created and Directed by Paul Pakler and Shane Portman. Executive Produced by Paul Pakler, Shane Portman, and David Switzer. Produced and assistant directed by Ruth Gamble. Produced by Genevieve LeDoux.  Our cast includes: Becky Poole, Jake Robertson, Corey Rieger, Susan Ruttan, Ruth Gamble, Dana Weddle, Biz Ellis, Tom Amandes, Sam Rhodes, Corey Pepper, Deneen Melody, Averie Surckla, Nia Surckla, Dave Colan, Kyle More, Tobin Droxler, Shane Portman, Paul Pakler, Bill Pullman, and Dave Droxler. Music by Maesa Pullman and engineered by Jason Hiller at Electrosound Records.  Edited by Sam Rhodes. Audio engineering by Kevin Cleland and Erik Nyquist. Audio post-production by One Thousand Birds (OTB). Original sound design and mixing by Jackie! Zhou, Torin Geller and Kal Pipal. OTB executive produced by Guin Frehling. Developmental producers: by Joey Scarillo and Genevieve Gearity. Recorded at LA Digital Recording and QED Studios Astoria.

Burglaries are plaguing the city, and Joe Friday is working the Robbery Detail to put a stop to it. In the police station, Joe and partner, Frank Smith talk the…

Burglaries are plaguing the city, and Joe Friday is working the Robbery Detail to put a stop to it. In the police station, Joe and partner, Frank Smith talk the…

What do you think your chances are of getting more views than Mr Beast? Is it even possible? It appears so...Glesga Da discusses the podcast's early "success" after 1 Episode and the highest paid influencer on the Planet - Ronaldo (that's Cristiano Ronaldo not the other one). How good are celebrities brands and what advice does Glesga Da give for being on your phone while in bed with your Missus?We also hear from special guests and more details on the Glesga Da upcoming LIVE SHOWS!Send Glesga Da your voice notes on Whatsapp: +44 (0)7386 891 812. Don't forget to hit subscribe so you receive the next episode first! Make sure to check out: Glesga Da Podcast | https://linktr.ee/glesgada Live Show Tickets MARCH 2024 | https://linktr.ee/glesgada RAYMOND MEARNS and STUART MITCHELL are two of Scotland's most highly rated stand-up comedians and have both performed all over the world. Links below to their personal pages. Raymond Mearns Shows | https://linktr.ee/raymondmearns Stuart Mitchell Shows | https://linktr.ee/stuartmitchell Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Where can two strippers get a bite to eat on Christmas Eve?By  MelissaBaby. (abridged) Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.“Fuck Christmas,” Clover shouted, “and fuck you, Tony. Fuck Santa Claus, fuck his elves and fuck all ten goddamn reindeers.”“Eight,” Roxanne said, filing her nails and looking at her over the top of her glasses.“Shut up, Roxy, I'm talking about reindeers, not how many cocks you sucked over the weekend.”“Clover, calm down,” Tony said, “It was worth taking a shot.”“Bullshit, I told you nobody goes to a strip club on Christmas Eve.”“She did tell you,” Roxanne said, “Even louder that she's telling you now.”“Look,” he said, shrugging, “I'm sorry, but it wasn't nobody…”“We've had five customers,” Clover said.“And the last one was two hours ago,” Roxanne chimed in, “It's almost ten thirty.”Clover jerked her thumb at Roxanne. “She might look like a doofus wearing that stupid Santa hat, but she's right.”Tony held up his hands, “Okay, it turned out to not be a great idea. You guys are always saying that more customers come in because they are lonely than because they are horny. I figured it would be a lonely night for a lot of guys…”“It might be a great night to be a hooker,” Clover said, “but not a dancer.”He looked at his watch, then over his shoulder at LeAnn, the bartender. “Tell you what,” he told her, “If nobody else comes in before eleven, go ahead and close up.”He started to walk away, but Roxanne called him back. “We paid our club fees, Tony, that isn't right.”He looked up toward the ceiling, as if he were looking for a script to read from. “You want to close and go home early, but you want your club fees refunded because I said we would close and you could go home early?”“No,” Clover said, “We want our club fees refunded because we paid you fifty dollars to dance on a night when you dragged us in here to dance, even though we told you nobody was coming the fuck in.”“Fine,” he said, throwing his hands in the air, “LeAnn, give them back their club fees.”The door opened, and they both groaned, but it was not a customer. Sporty, the Gold Dollar's bouncer, came in.“Speaking of guys you'll fuck,” Clover muttered.When he approached the bar, she said, “Hey Sporty, how come you go out with Roxy? I always heard black guys like girls with nice big asses.”“I always heard strippers were friendly,” he shot back.He sat down next to Roxanne.“Where have you been?” she asked him.“Yeah,” Clover said, “There could have been a brawl in here, between the rats and the cockroaches.”“I was sitting out in my car, listening to some jams.”Clover tipped out and gave LeAnn a big hug, then she and Roxanne walked out to their cars in a light cold rain.“You ain't waiting for Sporty?” Clover asked.“Nope, don't want to talk to him right now. Meet you at the diner.”They each got in their cars. A light coating of slush covered Roxanne's windshield, but the wipers easily pushed it to the side. She pulled out of the parking lot on to the slippery street and drove the mile and a half to their usual after work spot, the Finest Kind Diner, while Clover followed close behind.When she turned into the diner's parking lot she noticed immediately that the lights were turned off, except for a string of colored Christmas bulbs blinking around the front door.Clover thought for a minute. “We could go to Denny's.”“Are they open?”“How the fuck would I know? Call ‘em up.”“Oh, so I have to look up the number?”“I figured it has a man's name, so you would know it.”Roxanne sat back in her seat. “I don't want to drive all the way across town, just to go to Denny's. What else would be open?”“Just White Castle.”Roxanne thought for a minute. “Yeah, what the fuck, let's go to White Castle.”“We ought to just go in one car,” Clover suggested.“Fine. Yours or mine?”“Yours,” Clover said, “Mine is more full of trash than a westside trailer park.” She pulled her car into a parking space, shut it off and got out.“I hate this drizzly shit,” she said as she got into Roxanne's passenger seat.“Hey, don't you live in a westside trailer park?” Roxanne asked.“Yeah, that's why I know what I am talking about.”“Speaking of knowing what you're talking about,” Roxanne said, “Santa Claus has eight reindeer.”“Are you counting Rudolph?”“Nope. Rudolph doesn't count.”“Who decided that?”“Clement Moore.”“Who the fuck is he? Sounds like a baseball player.”“He wrote The Night Before Christmas.”“Twas the night before Christmas,” Clover recited in a sing song voice, “And all through the place, Roxanne was sitting on every guy's face.”“And up from the lawn there arose such a clatter,” Roxanne returned, “As Clover devoured the whole turkey platter.”Clover nodded her head. “That was pretty good,” she admitted.Roxanne was quiet for a moment, then asked, “You wonder though, who the fuck would name a reindeer Blitzen? What is he, a Nazi reindeer?”“I bet Rudolph was originally Adolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and they changed it during the war or something. Hey, what's going on with you and Sporty?”“He wants me to go to his mom's house for Christmas dinner.”“And you don't want to go?”“Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my girlfriend from the strip club?”“Oh yeah, I get it. But still, you guys been going out for a while now. You are going to meet them sooner or later.”“It doesn't have to be on Christmas with all the relatives there.”“So what are you going to do?”“I don't know.”There were three cars parked outside the White Castle when they arrived. The restaurant's windows were so wet with condensation that they could not see through them. But when they dashed inside, they were nearly blinded by the garish light.“This is like sensory overload,” Roxanne said, as Jingle Bell Rock squalled from a tinny sound system.They walked over to the counter. There was no one behind it. Roxanne leaned forward, craning her neck to look back into the kitchen. She saw a young man in a white uniform and a hairnet dumping french fries out of a fryer basket.“Excuse us,” she called.He looked over his shoulder. “Be with you in a minute, ma'am,” he said.Clover cackled and nudged Roxanne with her elbow. “Ma'am. He thinks you're an old fucking lady.”“Yeah, and he thinks I'm taking my mom out for Christmas Eve.”The man came to the counter. His name badge identified him as Julio, assistant manager. “What can I get you ladies?” he asked.“I'd like four hamburgers, an order of medium fries and a large coffee, regular,” Roxanne said.“Give me six whiteys and a large Mountain Dew,” Clover added.“Would you like fries with that?”“Fuck no, I'm gonna eat most of hers.”Julio rang up their orders and Roxanne paid for both. Clover looked around the room.There were three occupied booths. In one a pair of middle aged men, wearing the uniforms of parking attendants, sat sipping coffee. At another, an older woman in a ragged green coat had only a cup of water and a single empty burger box on the table in front of her. A couple of booths down, three young, black clad goths were sitting together. They looked to be in their early twenties; two boys, one very large, the other thin and jittery, and a purple haired girl sitting across from them, loudly chewing gum. They all looked like they were coming down off a much better time than they were having now.“It's kind of a sad looking bunch of people in here,” Clover said.“Yeah,” Roxanne said, “It's Christmas Eve and they've got no place to go.”“That sounds familiar. I mean, what the fuck is the difference between them and us?”“We've got money in our pockets.”“Yeah, money we took from other lonely people,” Clover said. She looked lost in thought for a moment, then asked Roxanne, “How much money you think you've got in your pocket?”“I don't know, a hundred, maybe a hundred and twenty dollars.”Clover looked around the room, her lips tight and her brow knotted.“I'll bet I know what you're thinking,” Roxanne said.“It's fucking Christmas,” Clover said, shrugging.Roxanne called Julio back to the counter.“How much are those sacks of thirty sliders?” she asked him.“Thirty two dollars and fifty two cents.”She looked over her shoulder at the woman with her single burger. “Give me two sacks,” she said, fishing her cash out of her pocket.“You still want the other order?”“Yeah,” Clover said, “And I want you to give anybody whatever they want to drink. Keep a tab and I'll pay for them later.”Julio hesitated a moment, then said, “Okay, it will take a little bit of time. Your other order will be up in a minute.”When their food was ready, they went to the empty table between the old lady and the goths.As they walked past the parking attendants, Clover asked them, “How you guys doing? You had to work tonight?”“Fuckin' Nutcracker,” one of them grumbled.“So are you going to see your son tomorrow?” Roxanne asked Clover when they had taken their seats.Clover nodded. “Not till the afternoon. But I get to have him the next day, too.”“Have you got plans?”“I was thinking we'd go to Hong Kong Garden for dinner.”“And the next day?”“Are you kidding? The day after Christmas? We're going fucking shopping.”Roxanne laughed. “Yeah I'm sure that'll thrill a ten year old boy, going shopping with his mom.”They had each finished two burgers when Julio called to them that their order was ready.Clover walked over to the counter, picked up a bag of hamburgers in each hand and turned to face the dining area.“Ladies and gentlemen,” she hollered, “My friend Poindexter and I would like to treat everyone to Whiteys for Christmas.” She went from table to table, holding out the bags, so that each person could take some burgers.“And if anyone wants something to drink,” she said, “It's on us. Just step up and tell Julio what you want.”After going to each table, she had half a bag left. She put it on the table in front of Roxanne and sat down.Roxanne twisted in her seat and watched as several of the patrons went to the counter and ordered drinks. She noticed that the old woman in the next booth had neither gotten up nor taken any burgers. She took one from the bag, leaned over the back of the booth and asked, “Would you like another burger, ma'am?”“Are you sure it's okay?”“Of course it is,” Roxanne said, “Merry Christmas.”“Merry Christmas, dear,” the woman replied, taking the burger.Roxanne's phone buzzed.“I bet I know who that is,” Clover muttered.Roxanne looked at the screen. “Yeah, it's Sporty.” She sat back in the booth and answered, simply saying, “Hey.”“Listen baby,” he said, “I wish you hadn't split like that. I don't want you mad at me, whether you go tomorrow or not.”“I never said I was mad at you, Sporty. I'm just tired of all the back-and-forth on this shit.”“I don't think having Christmas with my family is shit.”“Now you're just looking to be offended. They know where you work, right?”“Yeah.”“So, you're going to tell them your bringing a girl from work to Christmas dinner, so I can sit there, eating turkey with everybody looking at me like I'm a whore.”“Ain't nobody gonna call you a whore.”“My own mom calls me a whore.”“Well, my mom ain't your mom.”“I don't know, Sporty. I'm just not sure I'm ready for this.”“We've been going out almost a year.”“Off and on.”“Whatever. Where are you at anyway? I come over to Finest Kind because I thought you guys would be here.”“They're closed.”“Well, no shit, I just told you I was over here.”“We're at the White Castle on Union Street.”“So, would it be cool if I come by?”“Yeah, sure. I'll see you in a bit.”Roxanne disconnected, shaking her head. “This fucking guy,” she muttered, “I'm telling you, he won't give up…”“And that's a bad thing? Let me ask you something,” Clover said, “and don't get pissed.”“Okay.”“Are you nervous about meeting his family because you think they won't like you being a stripper or because you don't think they'll like you being white?”Roxanne was silent for a minute. “Maybe both,” she said.“Either way, I think that's his problem, not yours. I mean it's his family.”“Yeah, but I'm afraid that if they give him a lot of shit about it, he isn't going to pick me over them.”“Well then, fuck him. He ain't worth it if he does that.”Roxanne shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”An old man with flyaway white hair came into the restaurant. He appeared to be wearing just a light sweatsuit under his ratty coat. He sat down next to the old woman. She spoke quietly to him for a minute, then he loudly cleared his throat.“Excuse me, ladies,” he said in a hoarse voice. “Flo says you are buying burgers for everyone. Is that so?”“Sure is,” Clover said. Roxanne took two more burgers from the bag and handed them to him.“Go get yourself a coffee or something,” Clover said, “Whatever you want, it's on us.”The man thanked them, stood and fetched coffee for himself and Flo.Sporty came in a few minutes later, took off his wet coat and hung it on the end of the booth. He slid in next to Roxanne. Looking at the bags on the table, he asked, “Why did y'all buy so many burgers?”“Because we're generous bitches and we share with everybody,” Clover said.“Well, shit then.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a couple of burgers. After a few bites he said, “I need to get a drink.”“Just go to the counter,” Roxanne told him, “We're running a tab.”Sporty stuffed the rest of the burger in his mouth, then went to the counter. He came back a minute later with a large orange soda.“You been thinking about tomorrow?” he asked Roxanne.“Yeah, I've been thinking about it…”“Hey Sporty,” Clover said, interrupting her, “Let me ask you something.”“Yeah, what?” He reached for another burger.“Why do so many black families have macaroni and cheese for Christmas dinner?”“Because it's good as hell. We still have all the regular shit, turkey and mashed potatoes and cranberries and all that.”“Pumpkin pie or sweet potato?”“What do you think? Sweet potato pie.”“What kind of stuffing?”“Cornbread.”“Just plain?”“Fuck no, my mom puts Jimmy Dean sausage in it.”“Damn!” Clover exclaimed. “Listen, if this silly bitch don't want to come to your mom's house for Christmas dinner can I come?”“You can both come as far as I'm concerned.”Roxanne laughed. “That's actually a pretty good plan. If your mom spends five minutes with Clover, she'll think I'm little miss sunshine.”“No, she'll think you're a dumb bitch who thinks Santa only has eight reindeer.”“Rudolph doesn't count.”“Damn, you back on that shit?” Sporty said, rolling his eyes.Clover slipped out of the booth. “Fuck you both,” she said, standing up.“Hey everybody,” she shouted, “I'm taking a Christmas survey. How many reindeers does Santa Claus have?”There was murmuring throughout the room. The big goth kid was counting on his fingers. One of the parking attendants was quietly singing Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer. His friend said, emphatically, “Eight.”The goth girl said “Nine, if you count Rudolph.”“Rudolph wasn't one of the originals,” he replied.“So where did he come from?”“Gene Autry.”“Dead white man,” she muttered.The man who had been singing said, “The Night Before Christmas guy gave them their names.”The skinny goth kid glared over the back of the booth at him. “But who said he was in charge of fucking reindeer?”“He wrote the goddamn poem!”“They didn't know about Rudolph then!”“Isn't it nice to see how the holidays bring people together,” Roxanne said to Sporty.“All right,” Clover said, clapping her hands together. “Let's put it to a vote. How many people say nine?”She raised her hand and the goth kids and the old lady joined her.“Who says eight?”Roxanne, Sporty, the parking guys and the old man raised their hands.Clover looked at Sporty. “Put your fucking hand down, man, your vote don't count.”“Why don't my vote count?”“Because you ain't hoping to get any pussy from me tonight.”“You got that right,” he smirked.Roxanne turned in her seat. “How many people say ten?”They all looked at her, perplexed. No one raised a hand.“That's your cue to sit down and shut the fuck up,” she said to Clover. Clover looked around with a frown, then sat without saying anything more.Sporty looked over his shoulder and said, “Who thinks Die Hard is a Christmas movie?”Everyone raised their hand.“Goddamn right,” he muttered.Roxanne nudged him with her elbow. “I need to go to the bathroom,” she said. He stood up and let her go by.The parking lot guys were getting up to leave. They thanked her for the burgers as she went past their table and wished her a happy holiday. One gave her a big hug. At least he didn't try to cop a feel, she thought as she went into the women's bathroom.When she opened the door to come out a few minutes later, Sporty was standing in front of it.“You know how cute you look in that hat?” he asked.“Do you know how desperate you sound when you try to sweet talk me?”“Nah, I ain't desperate. It'd be alright if you don't want to go tomorrow. I get it. But don't go saying you weren't welcome to go, because you were asked.”“Okay, that's fair. It's just that it's a big step.”“You got to take steps if you want to get anywhere,” he said.She put her hand on his shoulder and kissed his cheek. Looking past him, she did not see anyone watching them. She gripped the waist of his pants and walked backward, pulling him into the bathroom.Sporty pushed the door shut behind him, and let Roxanne tug him across the room until her hips bumped against the edge of the sink.Roxanne leaned back, looking up at him and biting her lip.He gazed down at her, his hands on her hips, and kissed her. She kissed him back, but then turned her head.“At some point,” she said, “we have to talk about where we are going.”“We do,” he replied, “but we ain't got to do it right now.”She draped her arms over his shoulders and they exchanged a long, hard, tongue swirling kiss. Sporty's hands moved to her breasts, squeezing and caressing them, while Roxanne dropped her hand down to rub his stiff cock through his jeans.“I think you've got something you want to give me for Christmas,” she whispered.“I don't know,” he said, “I don't think you've been a very good girl.”“Do you want me to be a good girl?”“Aw, hell no,” he said. He took a half step back, seized her waist and spun her around to face the sink. Her Santa hat fell off, landing in the basin.He ran one hand down between her legs and cradled her chin in the other.“Look at you,” he whispered in her ear. Her glasses had slipped down her nose. She pushed them back into their proper position and gazed at herself in the mirror.“Look and see what I see.”Roxanne looked at his eyes in the mirror as his hand rubbed and squeezed her pussy.“Don't look at me, look at you.”She stared at her own reflection, resisting the temptation to watch as he unfastened her jeans and pushed them down over her hips. But when his fingers slipped inside her, she leaned her head back and kissed the side of his neck.His fingers probed deep into her, his thumb played with her clitoris. She reached back and rubbed his crotch. She fumbled at his belt until he gently pushed her hand away and undid it himself.Roxanne felt his cock bump against her ass, then slip down between her thighs. He placed his hand between her shoulders and gently pushed her down until her elbows were on the sides of the sink. She picked up her Santa hat and put it back on her head.Sporty kneaded her ass, then spread her thighs, pressed the head of his cock into her pussy and began to fuck her with long, smooth strokes.Clover snickered when she saw Sporty disappear into the women's bathroom. Get your figgy pudding, girlfriend, she thought, don't go until you get some. She walked to the counter and got a refill on her Mountain Dew, then stopped and listened for a minute. The sound wasn't loud, but she could hear them in the bathroom. They were definitely fucking in there.As she walked back to the booth, she saw the goth girl looking toward the bathroom. She glanced up at Clover with a smirk. Clover winked at her and sat back down in the booth.A few minutes later, the skinny goth kid leaned close to the window and peered out. He wiped away the condensation with his sleeve and looked again.“Fucking cops,” he muttered.“What cops?” Clover asked.“Cop car just pulled up.”“Oh, shit,” Clover muttered. She looked toward the bathroom. She couldn't hear Roxanne and Sporty where she was sitting, but there was no doubt that when the cops walked in, they would. They had to walk right past the bathroom to get to the counter. One of them might even go into the mens' room. She thought about warning them somehow, but didn't think there was enough time. That was confirmed when she saw the cops approaching the door. She had to do something.Just as they reached the door, she began singing at the top of her lungs.You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I'm telling you why.The goth girl looked up at her and immediately realized what she was doing and joined in.Santa Claus is coming to town.The cops walked in. One was an older man. His eyes and shoulders both drooped. There's another guy doesn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, Clover thought. His partner was a young, thin black man. They walked right past the bathroom to the counter.He's making a list, He's checking it twice.The other goth kids joined in the singing.He's gonna a find out who's naughty and nice.The old couple began to sing along.Santa Claus is coming to town.The two cops stood by the counter, looking around the room. Julio approached the cash register. The older cop leaned in and spoke to him. Julio pointed to Clover and the cop looked over at her. He nodded, then spoke to Julio again.He sees you when you're sleeping, He knows when you're awake He knows if you've been bad or good, So be good for goodness sakeJulio handed each of the cops a bag of burgers and a cup of coffee.Now get the fuck out of here, Clover thought, but instead of leaving they walked toward her. The older cop held out his hand.“Awfully nice thing for you to do, ma'am,” he said. The other customers kept singing.Clover shook his hand.The younger cop shook with her as well. They turned toward the door, tipping their hats to the older couple as they went by.The older cop walked out just as the customers were finishing the last chorus, but the younger cop turned and went to the counter. He held out his open bag toward Julio.“Could you toss a couple of ketchups in there?” he asked.Julio nodded and dropped a handful of packets in his bag.“Thank you, Merry Christmas.” he said, then waved to the customers. “Merry Christmas, everyone.”He took two steps toward the door and stopped and looked toward the bathroom. Clover could hear Roxanne moaning from where she was sitting.He looked around the room. “Does anyone know who is in there?” he asked.“Yes, officer,” Clover said, “That's my friend. I'm afraid she ate a few too many of these gut grenades. You know what they can do to your digestion.”“Yeah, we all been there once or twice, I suppose,” he said. He went to the door and started to open it, then stopped, obviously listening to the sounds emanating from the bathroom. He turned and looked Clover in the eyes. An amused expression crossed his face. He winked at her and walked out.Roxanne had already come twice when she heard the singing. She thought it was just in her head until Sporty paused between thrusts and muttered, “What the fuck is that?”“Jesus, don't fucking stop,” she groaned.“Oh, you need some more of this dick?”“Goddamn it, yes, Sporty, fuck me.”He gripped her hips and began slapping his loins against her ass harder. She braced her hands against the mirror and shoved back against each plunge of his cock.“You getting kind of loud,” he told her. She dropped her head and her Santa hat fell off. She grabbed it and bit down on the white felt ball to keep from crying out. But after a minute or two, she let go of it, unable to keep from moaning loudly each time he jammed his cock deep inside her.She looked up at him in the mirror. Their eyes met, and the look of passion on his face pushed her over the edge into another orgasm. Before it subsided, she felt him stiffen, jerk his cock a few more times and withdraw, as his hot cum ran down the inside of her thigh.“At least they stopped that fucking singing,” Sporty said as Roxanne cleaned herself up.He picked up her Santa hat from the floor, brushed it off and stuck it back on her head, then unlatched the door.“Hold on a minute, babe,” Roxanne said. She raised her face and kissed him. “I'd be happy to go to your mom's tomorrow.”“Damn,” he said with a wide grin, “All I had to do was fuck you real good?”“You always fuck me real good.”“Then I will always get my way, right?”“Don't push your luck,” she said, opening the door.As they came out of the bathroom, the goth kids were walking toward the exit.“Merry Christmas. And thanks,” the girl said.“Yeah, thanks,” skinny kid said as well.The big kid stopped, looked at Roxanne and held his fist out toward Sporty. “Yo,” he said, “You da dawg, bro.”Sporty bumped fists with him. “Fucking white kids,” he muttered, chuckling.They slipped back into the booth, where Clover was waiting for them with her arms crossed and a smug expression on her face.“What was that singing?” Sporty asked.“That was me saving the you two fuckpuppies from spending Christmas in the slammer.”“What are you talking about?” Roxanne asked.“A couple cops came in here while you were getting your stocking stuffed. We were singing so they wouldn't hear the noise you were making.”“We weren't making that much noise.”Sporty laughed. “Girl, you loud as hell.”The old couple came to their booth and thanked them for their burgers.“Merry Christmas,” the man said, shaking all their hands.“There is a special place in heaven for you ladies,” the woman said.As they walked away, Clover said, “You think there is a special place in heaven for us?”“If we died tonight, we might at least be able to make a case for it,” Roxanne said with a shrug.“And by next week, we are fucked again.”Julio came out of the kitchen with a damp rag and wiped the table where the parking guys had been sitting.“Hey, Julio didn't vote,” Clover said. She called to him. “Julio, how many reindeers does Santa Claus have?”Julio looked at her with a perplexed expression. “I don't know,” he said.“You know, like in the song. Dancer and Prancer and Donger and Blitzkin…”“Donger?” Roxanne asked.Julio shrugged. “I don't know that song.”“You don't know it? What the fuck country are you from?”He stared as her and said, “Colombia.”“Oh. Shit. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude.”“She doesn't have to try,” Roxanne said, “It's her default mode.”Julio shook his head and returned to the kitchen.“Give the brother a break,” Sporty said, “He's from South America. What the fuck he gonna know about reindeers? Ask him about llamas, he'll probably tell you everything you ever wanted to know.”“I can't think of anything I want to know about llamas,” Clover shot back. “But I do feel kind of bad for the guy. I mean, he'd have had a lot easier night if we hadn't come in here and bought burgers and shit for everybody.”“It's his job,” Roxanne said with a shrug.“Yeah, and we fucking threw a fit because we had to work on Christmas Eve.”“You threw a fit. I didn't.”“You didn't like it.”“No, but I acted like a fucking grown-up about it.”“Yeah, but you have to act like one because you don't look like one.”Sporty looked in the bag. “Anybody want this last burger?” he asked.Roxanne and Clover shook their heads.Sporty bit into the burger, swallowed and said, “You feel so bad for the guy, why don't you do something nice for him for Christmas?”“Like what?” Clover asked.“Like what the fuck you think?” Sporty asked.Clover looked at him for a minute, then tipped her head to look past him. Julio was wiping off the service counter.“He's not a bad looking guy,” Roxanne said.“Well then, why don't you go do it then?” Clover asked.“I wasn't a twat to him.”“Besides,” Sporty said with a grin, “she already got hers.”“I ain't gonna fuck him in the bathroom,” Clover said.Roxanne laughed. “The bathroom is clean, at least.”“You don't think I will do it, do you?”“Bitch, I stopped trying to figure out what you would or wouldn't do about the time you set my boyfriend's car on fire,” Roxanne said.Julio disappeared into the kitchen.“Fuck both of you,” Clover said. She got up and followed him.“Hey, Julio,” she called.He was standing at the dish sink and turned around at the sound of her voice.“Listen, dude,” she said, “I hope I didn't say anything that offended you or got you upset or what not. That's just me clowning around.”“It is fine. I understand.”“Well, I think we put a lot of extra work on you tonight, coming in here and disrupting and shouting and singing and all.”“No, it is fine, Missus.”“Well, it's Christmas and all that. I'd like to maybe give you a little something for your trouble…”Julio waved his hands. “No Missus, we are not allowed to except tips.”“Yeah, I wasn't talking about giving you money.”She looked around and saw an open door at the back of the kitchen. She walked to it and peered into a dark room.“What's in here?” she asked.“That's the manager's office.”Clover walked in and flipped the light switch. A large flat top desk against the far wall nearly filled the room. There was a faux leather swivel chair in front of it. Clover plopped down into it, spun around, and put her feet up on the desk.Julio stood in the doorway, looking nervous.“The manager does not like anyone sitting in his chair,” he said, “No one is allowed.”“But you're the assistant manager right?”“Si.”“So when he ain't here, you're the fucking manager and it's your chair.”“I do not think so…”“And I am your guest, so I can sit in your chair.”“Missus,” he said, “I know it's a foolish rule but I need this job.”“Do you think I'm gonna tell anybody about this?”Julio looked at her with a puzzled expression. “About what, Missus?”“First of all, stop calling me Missus. Then come over here and find out.”She sat up, put her feet on the floor and patted the top of the desk.Julio leaned back and looked around the kitchen as if he suspected someone might be lurking there.Clover patted the desktop again. “The boss told you not to sit in his chair, but he didn't say shit about sitting on his desk, did he?”“No. I suppose he did not.”She pushed the chair back until it banged into the wall. “So have a seat.”Julio bit his lip, seeming lost in thought, then sat on the edge of the desk.“Dude, lose that dumbass apron.”Julio reached behind his back and untied the apron. Before he could pull it over his head, Clover had his belt unbuckled. He watched with an expression of amazement as she deftly unsnapped his waistband, yanked down his zipper, and pulled his cock free.“Do all the men in Columbia have big dicks?” she asked as she wrapped her hand around it.“Si,” Julio said, “It is well known in Latin America, Missus.”“You call me Missus again and I might bite it off,” she said. She flicked her tongue at the head, then wrapped her lips around it and began to suck.Julio briefly lifted his hips from the desk and tugged his pants and shorts down to his thighs.Clover cupped his balls in her left hand, massaging them, while her right hand stroked his shaft. She took it in her mouth again, but almost immediately, she heard a chime ringing.She raised her head and asked Julio, “What the fuck is that?”Julio had a look of panic on his face. “Someone is at the drive-through,” he said, “I must go serve them.”He started to rise, but she put her hands on his hips and pushed him back down. “No, fuck that,” she said, “Stay right there.”She got up and rushed to the dining room. Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth, kissing.“Hey, you fucking lovebirds, I need help here,” she shouted.When they looked at her in surprise, she said, “There's somebody in the fucking drive-through. Either of you guys ever work at a fast food place?”“I worked at Burger King in high school.” Sporty said.“Well, pry Roxy's hand off your whopper and get the fuck in here and find out what they want.”She disappeared back into the kitchen. Roxanne and Sporty looked at each other and shrugged.“I'll give it a try,” Sporty said. He slipped out of the booth and headed toward the kitchen, Roxanne following close behind.“It's like somebody told Santa they wanted a shit show for Christmas,” she muttered.Sporty went to the drive-through window and looked around. “Fuck. I don't know how to use this touchscreen shit,” he said.“Can you at least talk to the guy?” Roxanne asked.“Yeah, that shit looks the same. Hold on.”He was distracted by the sounds coming from the manager's office. “What's she doing in there?” he asked.“Sounds like she's sucking his dick.”“Damn, she's loud, too. Sounds like somebody got a rag stuck in their wet-vac.”He pressed several buttons on the communications panel, but nothing happened. He fiddled with the volume knob, and clicked the headset on and off, all to no avail. Suddenly, he was startled by a blasting horn, and looked over to see a white pick up truck right outside the window The driver, a large, red faced, bearded man, was glaring at him.“Honey, I don't think that's Santa Claus,” Roxanne said.Sporty slid the window open.“I've been out here trying to order for ten fucking minutes,” the man shouted.“Yeah, sorry about that,” Sporty said. “We got some kind of computer problem.”The man looked past him at Roxanne.“Looks to me like the problem is you're having some kind of party in there.”“Naw, she's the manager. She come in to try to fix it.”“So why isn't she fixing it?”“Sir,” Roxanne said, “I'm sorry, but there is nothing we can do about it until the tech guys get here.”“I worked to midnight on Christmas Eve. All I wanted was some burgers for when I get home.”“I'll see what I can get for you, no charge.”She went to the grill. There were onions simmering in the corner and pre-cooked patties in a warming pan. She found a package of buns and put a half dozen on the grill to brown.The man tapped his fingers impatiently on the door of his car.“This is some bullshit,” he barked at Sporty, “You got something for me or not?”“Roxy is fixing it up right now.”“The manager's name is Roxy?”“Yeah, she was named for her grandmom.”Roxanne's glasses kept steaming up from the grill's heat. She did her best to assemble the burgers, but one got no onions, one had triple pickle and some were drenched with mustard and ketchup while others got no more than a drop or two.She boxed the burgers, stacked them in a bag, and handed it to Sporty.“About time,” the man grumbled. “What about a Coke? I need something to drink.”“Coming right up!” Roxanne said with a big smile. As she poured a Coke from the dispenser she thought, I hope those burgers give you the shits, asshole.Sporty handed him the drink and cheerily said, “Merry Christmas, sir.”The man growled. “Yeah, right. I guess the two of you can get back to whatever you were doing now.”“Thank you, sir,” Sporty said, “But we already finished that. Appreciate the thought though.”The man glared at them, muttered something underneath his breath, and drove off.“What did he say?” Roxanne asked.“I didn't catch in, but I think one of the words started with an F and one with an N.”“Feliz Navidad?”“Most likely not.”“Should we figure out how this works, in case someone else pulls up?”“How long Julio gonna take getting his nut?”Roxanne shrugged.“Hold up,” Sporty said, “I got a better idea.”He walked to the back door, opened it and, looking outside, flicked a couple of light switches on the walk.“There you go,” he said.“What did you do?”“Turned off the outside lights, so the place looks closed.”Clover took Julio's cock into her mouth until she felt his pubic hair tickling her nose, then swallowed. That will keep him from trying to go see what's happening in the kitchen, she thought.When she was out of breath, she rose up, releasing his cock with a loud popping sound. She circled the head with her tongue a few times, then dove down and swallowed again. It was late, she was tired, her jaw was starting to ache and her belly was rumbling in complaint over its load of greasy hamburger.She sucked in her cheeks as hard as she could, and Julio exhaled loudly and raised his hips from the desk. As she lifted her head, Julio spurted into her mouth. She swallowed most of it, then picked up his apron off the desk and wiped her face with it, surreptitiously spitting out the rest of his load.He leaned forward, his head hanging low, while he recovered his breath. Clover stood up, and loudly burped.“Sorry about that,” she said.Julio stood, pulling up his pants.“It is okay, Missus.”They walked into the kitchen. Julio immediately noticed that it was dark outside the drive through window.“You friends, I think they turned off the lights,” he said, “I will have to turn them on and to see what else they might have done.”“Okay, well, Merry Christmas, dude.”“And to you, Missus.” Clover turned away, but he added, “Missus?”She looked back.“Maybe you will come for hamburgers again.”Clover looked him over. “Yeah, I might.”Roxanne and Sporty were sitting in the booth when Clover returned to the dining room. Roxanne was leaning against him, her head on his shoulder and her eyes shut.Clover sat down across from them. “You guys about ready to go?” she asked.Roxanne sat up straight and stretched. “Yeah we might as well,” she said.Sporty looked out the window. “That sleet shit turned into real snow,” he said. He nudged Roxanne. “Let me up, baby.”She stood and he slid out of the booth. “Give me your keys,” he said, “I'll get your car warmed up.”She fished her keys out of her purse and handed them to him as he put on his coat.Watching him walk out, Clover said, “When a man cleans the snow off your car for you, he's getting serious. Especially if he does it after you fuck him.”“I think asking me to come with him to his mom's house for Christmas shows that pretty good, too.”“So, stop being a fucking pussy about it. You think you're going to find another nice guy who is obviously crazy about you and doesn't give a shit what you do for a living?”Roxanne was silent for a minute. “It doesn't seem likely, does it?” she said at last.They kissed again and Sporty said, “You know, I had a lot of girlfriends before, but I never brought one home with me on Christmas.”She patted his cheek, kissed him and said, “I've had a lot of boyfriends before, but I never fucked one in the bathroom at White Castle on Christmas Eve.”She kissed him on the nose and dashed to her car, calling, “See you tomorrow, babe.”“It's about time,” Clover said, as Roxanne got into the drivers seat, “I'm freezing my tits off over here.”“That's because they're fake.”“Probably. They should've come with like a heater option.”“I wish I'd known it was a problem, I would have got you one for Christmas.”Clover reached across the console and squeezed Roxanne's hand.“Merry Christmas, Rhonda,” she said.Roxanne felt her eyes moisten. “Merry Christmas, Charlene.”The last display before the park exit, the grand finale, was a great arc of lights over the road. On the left, Santa rode in his sleigh, overflowing bags of gift boxes and teddy bears behind him. His reindeer stretched along the arc, their legs blinking in a dance across the night sky. At the right end of the display, Rudolph's nose glowed like a beacon.“Nine!” Clover shouted, “Bitch, count ‘em! nine fucking reindeers!”“Rudolph doesn't count.”“He counts in this town.”“Why? Because Parks and Rec says he does?”Clover sat back, her arms crossed over her chest in triumph. “Nine fucking reindeer,” she smirked.“Eight,” Roxanne muttered.“Nine.”“Eight…”By  MelissaBaby for Literotica

St Nick visits a woman after her holiday office party. By BR_imornery81. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories. Okay, I admit it. I had drunk WAY too much at the Christmas party and had done some stupid things, but I never dreamed in my wildest dreams things would go to where they did!! I mean, I am glad I did not do anything really stupid in public and I am thankful that Jim and his wife drove me home, but what happened after the door closed and they drove off, just defies any rational explanation this morning. [[MORE]] My husband, Bill; has been overseas working for the last two weeks and will not be able to fly back from China for another two months. To say it sucks would be the biggest understatement of the year!! We Skype and chat online and all of that, but I am so tired of sleeping by myself in our King-sized bed and worst of all, never feeling a man's warm body next to me to curl up against; to press my boobs against. To make my lower lips wet and to make me shudder and… well, you get the picture. Before he left, we went to an adult toy store and to be honest, I was shocked. I had never in my wildest dreams realized there were so many different dongs, vibes fake cocks or whatever you want to call them!! Some, I have to admit, I stared at thinking either, “That would never fit ANY woman for pleasure or, “Now how the hell do you find any pleasure in THAT?!” But eventually, we found “Little Billy” as I christened him, and he was my substitute while “Big Bill” was in China. But Little Billy only left me more horny, and soon I started going out of my mind wanting sex!! I mean, it has only been three weeks and I cannot walk by a breathing male between the ages of 18 and 75 and not think, “I wonder how he is hung?” So when I was sitting on Santa's lap for the department pictures, I vaguely remember putting my hand on the old Elf's crotch and finding he was quite happy working that night!! In fact, while the camera person got everyone organized, I handled him to a full erection that I only barely kept from attacking right then and there!!! Unfortunately, Jim's wife wanted to go home soon after the picture, and since they really were the only other people heading my direction, I piled into their car and accepted their hospitality. Actually, I acted like I was asleep and once we had driven five minutes I heard Bill start moaning, and then, after she looked back at me a couple of more times, “Mrs. Jim” took off her seat belt and was in her husband's lap, sucking his cock like a noisy whore! I was so jealous, that I reached in my shirt and unhooked my front hooker and played with my D cup tits! I saw Jim's eyes about bug out of his head and then he adjusted mirror as he drove with his wife giving him a blow job and I knew he was looking now at me. I slid my blouse off of my shoulder and ran a hand up my skirt and gave him a show above the waist while I came only seconds after he did and just a minute before he pulled into my apartment complex. I didn't bother hooking my bra back up and just barely got my blouse closed before the Missus looked back at me to verify that I had not caught her. I played drunk and she put her seat belt on and a minute later we pulled to a stop in front of the apartment. I made Bill get out and “wake me from my “stupor”. And then he walked me up to my door. As we walked I whispered to him, “I wish your cock had been in my shaved pussy instead of your old wife's mouth there, Jimmy.” He looked over at me and I looked up to see that we were not making eye contact. He was looking down at my chest, so I opened my shirt up for him to get a better look and said, “You could have had them, stud…” With that, we reached my door and I handed him my keys and he struggled to put the key in the lock. I laughed and once he got the door open, I moved into him as if to kiss him and said, “And here is what you could have had.” And with that I brought my left hand, still covered with the juices of my cum and pushed three fingers into his mouth. The bastard's eyes flew open and then, despite his wife watching from 30 feet away, he sucked and licked my fingers clean before I laughed and went inside. With my back against the door, I turned the lock and ran the fingers that were only moments ago in my coworker's mouth, back into the wet slit of my pussy and began frigging my clit furiously. I could feel the walls of my pussy clamping around the nothing that was there, and I ached for a cock. I could not believe how horny I was and then it was as if it was the first time. On the mantle was a peppermint stick, one of those white ones with red and green spiraling around it, about a good cock width around and 18 inches long. I will tell you what, Ole' St. Nick had nothing on me as I ran to the fireplace, grabbed the hard candy and started to run it up between my now wet thighs. But then, I thought about all of that sugar and a urinary tract infection and… well you know, so it was off like a flash to the bedroom upstairs to get one of my husband's “rump riding” rubbers. I peeled back the foil and rolled the condom onto the confectionery delight and flopped back on the bed to enjoy my own Northern Lights display. I don't know whether it was the booze, having watched Bill and his wife go at it in the car, teasing him at the door or the using of something as innocent as a Christmas candy in my cunt, but within a very few minutes I was cumming as hard as I had for months even before my enforced abstinence!! In fact, it relaxed me so much that I drifted off to sleep, and this is where things get weird. The next thing that I remember I was naked and in my bedroom, but … somehow I was tied spread-eagle against the wall where the dresser sits. (I have no idea where the dresser went, but the mirror was still there, because I could see the room behind me.) That was when I saw Santa, standing in the middle of my bedroom and he had one of those old fashioned buggy whips in his hand. It was a flexible stick; maybe three feet long with a light-weight cord attached at its end and on the other end of the cord was a leather tassel that was swishing through the air with the casual flicks of his wrist. “Ah, you are finally awake. You have been very naughty this year Sandy Barber and with the price of coal, giving that to you would be a reward! So instead, I have come up with some different ways to handle the naughty girls this year!!” With that, he landed the first brush of the leather thong on my bare ass!! It really did not sting, but I jumped anyway,… just from the surprise of it. I heard a chuckle that I knew was the Jolly Old Elf's, but I also knew was nothing like the one I had imagined as a little girl!! The leather touched my bare flesh again and again, quickly moving from my shoulders to my knees and back. Each one of the touches were not even mildly painful, but combined they caused my skin to warm and within a minute I was beginning to sweat and feel my flesh warm and become ever more sensitive to each lick. After a few minutes of non-stop wrist flicking, the sensations began to move more toward a mosquito and then a bee sting. I pulled and struggled to avoid the flashing whip, but I could not move at all. I looked in the mirror back at the man, and his cheeks were flushed and his brow, beaded with sweat. At the corners of his mouth, just beneath the handlebar mustache of white, a smile was just visible, as if he was concentrating deeply upon the task at hand, but the sheer enjoyment of what he was doing could not be hidden. Then he stopped and he moved up behind me and let the buggy whip fall to the floor. “Your skin blushes so well,” he whispered in my ear. Then I felt his hand at the top of the cleft of my ass as it slid all the way down between my hyper-sensitive cheeks. His finger only hesitated a moment as it made its way over the bud of my butthole. Before I knew what was happening, his fingers were opening the folds of my pussy from behind. “You are such a wet little slut, aren't you? I guess we will have to set that in order too.” With that he stepped back from me and my wondering eyes beheld his enormous bulge with fear, as he undid the thick belt around his waist and folded it over. When I blinked again, I saw his belt shrink and it was only a little more than a couple of finger widths and maybe a foot and a half long. He then dragged the soft leather across my hypersensitive flesh and it reminded me of velvet, so soft. “You are going to like this, my child. You are going to like this a lot,” he breathed into my ear and I shuddered. Then he stepped back and with an underhand stroke, landed the leather strap on the bud of my asshole and it whipped its way underneath me, covering my whole pussy with a sudden snap and stopping just short of my clit!! I let out a squeal!!! I have NEVER associated pain and sex. I thought that such things were so opposite in nature that there was no way possible that they could ever go together. And yet I found myself panting as his slaps caused the blood to come to the surface of my most tender flesh!! I knew this could not be real, but I had no idea how I could ever dream up such mixed emotions and feelings. My pussy was on fire and I felt the folds of flesh engorge and swell, wanting to grasp and hold something deep within itself. After what was probably no more than a couple of minutes, the man in red went to my nightstand, where a glass of ice cubes sat. His fingers collected a piece of ice and then, crossing the room, he moved up right behind me and allowed a few drops of ice cold water to fall upon my hot ass cheeks. I moaned. The contrast of my warmed skin and the ice water was incredible, and I heard the moans from deep in my chest, boiling up through my very soul and out my mouth. What he did next was cruel, as he rubbed the frozen cube across my burning labia and I thought I would faint!!! Back and forth, up and down he moved the ice as I squirmed and moved but I was no match for my bonds. Then, without a word of warning he slid what was left back toward my puckered asshole and he forced the tapered icicle missile inside my dark passage!!! As I moaned under his touch, my tormenter leaned over my shoulder and nibbled upon my ear before saying. “You are even more naughty than I knew!! It seems this may require a little more effort than I thought at first.” He then trailed his tongue down my neck to where it flared out for my shoulders where he sucked a love bite before saying, “Yes, you need the North pole treatment.” He turned his head and said, “Boys, get the chairs!” I saw the two elves then over by the door for the first time. They were maybe four feet tall at the most, and very slim, but also unmistakably male, and they darted out the door in a flash, only to return a second later, each with a wooden, straight-back chair in their hands. As I watched, they placed the two chairs facing each other and then tied their front legs together so that it almost made a bench with chair backs at either end. Santa led me over to stand behind the chairs. (How did I get untied? It was a strange dream!!!) Without a word, the elves each took a length of ribbon and fastened my ankles wide to the outside of the chair legs. With a hand on my back, Santa pushed my torso forward and I found that the back of the chair was the perfect height for keeping my lower body straight. The elves, once again, quickly and efficiently went to work and in the twinkle of an eye, my hands were made fast to the back of the far chair by more Christmas ribbon. I looked back and down between my breasts, which hung large and free beneath me, and saw what I could not believe. With the belt gone from his suit, Santa's pants had been kicked aside and my eyes saw the fattest cock I have ever seen!! I swear to God, the shaft was almost as big around as a can of beer and the head of his cock was even larger!!! “You are so wet, this should be a fun fuck my naughty girl.” I looked down and the elves were now sitting on either side of me the floor with their backs to the chairs. They had shed their pants, and one of them had my baby oil and was lubing up his cock with that, while the other was using my body lotion to polish his rod! Their cocks were normal in girth, but probably nearly 15 inches in length. They looked back at me, at just that moment and they laughed and rolled their heads back, right under my breasts and those little imps each latched deeply onto a nipple and began to suck my boobies down their throats!!! They sucked, in such a way that their tongues seemed to milk my nipples while their mouths and lip covered teeth clamped and pulled fluids from deep inside my body that had never been there before and I could almost feel milk spraying down their throats!! That sensation was interrupted as my lower lips were parted wide to accommodate the huge cock of old St. Nick. He paused only a moment… and then Santa began pushing his monster into me and I could, for a moment, understand what a chimney went through when the Jolly fat man with a sack of toys went down it! But from the sounds coming from the bearded man behind me as he worked himself deeper into my wet flesh, he enjoyed pushing himself into me far more than any chimney!!! He started slowly to move just a little in and out of me at first. But steadily he built the tempo and the thrust tempo into my body. I have never in all of my life felt so full!! At the same time, the two elves continued to do things to me with my breasts that no man or boy had ever done to me before. In fact, I think they could have made me cum, just by sucking on my boobs!!! I came in a thundering climax and I must have passed out for a minute or so, because when I came to, the elf that had used the baby oil on his cock had slid himself under me and was smearing more oil on my tits, as the other stood in front of me, pushing his fuck stick against my lips!! Old Saint Nick had built up quite a rhythm behind me and was pounding me from behind like a jack-hammer. I felt “Baby Oil” elf squeeze my tits together while pulling on my areolas and nipples in an erotic fashion that was only heightened by the feeling of his long meat moving up and back through my cleavage. I opened my mouth to scream and the other elf's throbbing cock slid into my mouth! I rolled my eyes up to look at him and saw him staring down at me with a wolfish smile. He stuck his tongue out at me and wagged the long, almost snake like ribbon of flesh at me as if to show me how talented he was and that his tongue was very capable of doing more than my husband had ever done for me. The unspoken offer was, that first I had to use my own mouth for his pleasure!! In that moment, I decided I would try my best to make all three of their Christmas wishes come true!!! There was a suddenly a new shocking sensation as Santa began opening my sphincter with spit and the tip of a thumb. Within a minute he was knuckle deep in me as he began roaring his lust as he slammed his body one final time, balls deep into me! I felt white hot jets of jizz shoot between my tits and onto my belly as the elf beneath me moaned and then my mouth was full of cum as well! All three of them just kept blowing load after load into me and all over my exposed body until my mind spun completely out of control, and I passed out again. When I next opened my eyes, the room was back to normal and Santa and his elves were gone. I smiled to myself as I thought in amazement how wonderful and amazing my over-active dream had seemed. Then I rolled over to go to the bathroom and the flood of cum ran down my leg. That was also when I saw the green sack sitting on the floor by the bathroom door. Out of the mouth of the bag, flowed a wonderful assortment of adult toys, beyond my most rich imaginations!!! Some may say there is no such thing as Santa…but I am here to tell you. My sore pussy, full toy drawer and bruised wrists tell a completely different story!! Wherever you are, my Jolly fat freak of an elf, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!! Thank you Santa!!! Please don't wait another year to cum again!!! By BR_imornery81 for Literotica

St Nick visits a woman after her holiday office party.By BR_imornery81. Listen to the Podcast at Steamy Stories.Okay, I admit it. I had drunk WAY too much at the Christmas party and had done some stupid things, but I never dreamed in my wildest dreams things would go to where they did!! I mean, I am glad I did not do anything really stupid in public and I am thankful that Jim and his wife drove me home, but what happened after the door closed and they drove off, just defies any rational explanation this morning.My husband, Bill; has been overseas working for the last two weeks and will not be able to fly back from China for another two months. To say it sucks would be the biggest understatement of the year!! We Skype and chat online and all of that, but I am so tired of sleeping by myself in our King-sized bed and worst of all, never feeling a man's warm body next to me to curl up against; to press my boobs against. To make my lower lips wet and to make me shudder and… well, you get the picture.Before he left, we went to an adult toy store and to be honest, I was shocked. I had never in my wildest dreams realized there were so many different dongs, vibes fake cocks or whatever you want to call them!! Some, I have to admit, I stared at thinking either, “That would never fit ANY woman for pleasure or, “Now how the hell do you find any pleasure in THAT?!” But eventually, we found “Little Billy” as I christened him, and he was my substitute while “Big Bill” was in China.But Little Billy only left me more horny, and soon I started going out of my mind wanting sex!! I mean, it has only been three weeks and I cannot walk by a breathing male between the ages of 18 and 75 and not think, “I wonder how he is hung?” So when I was sitting on Santa's lap for the department pictures, I vaguely remember putting my hand on the old Elf's crotch and finding he was quite happy working that night!! In fact, while the camera person got everyone organized, I handled him to a full erection that I only barely kept from attacking right then and there!!!Unfortunately, Jim's wife wanted to go home soon after the picture, and since they really were the only other people heading my direction, I piled into their car and accepted their hospitality. Actually, I acted like I was asleep and once we had driven five minutes I heard Bill start moaning, and then, after she looked back at me a couple of more times, “Mrs. Jim” took off her seat belt and was in her husband's lap, sucking his cock like a noisy whore! I was so jealous, that I reached in my shirt and unhooked my front hooker and played with my D cup tits! I saw Jim's eyes about bug out of his head and then he adjusted mirror as he drove with his wife giving him a blow job and I knew he was looking now at me. I slid my blouse off of my shoulder and ran a hand up my skirt and gave him a show above the waist while I came only seconds after he did and just a minute before he pulled into my apartment complex.I didn't bother hooking my bra back up and just barely got my blouse closed before the Missus looked back at me to verify that I had not caught her. I played drunk and she put her seat belt on and a minute later we pulled to a stop in front of the apartment. I made Bill get out and “wake me from my “stupor”. And then he walked me up to my door. As we walked I whispered to him, “I wish your cock had been in my shaved pussy instead of your old wife's mouth there, Jimmy.”He looked over at me and I looked up to see that we were not making eye contact. He was looking down at my chest, so I opened my shirt up for him to get a better look and said, “You could have had them, stud…” With that, we reached my door and I handed him my keys and he struggled to put the key in the lock. I laughed and once he got the door open, I moved into him as if to kiss him and said, “And here is what you could have had.” And with that I brought my left hand, still covered with the juices of my cum and pushed three fingers into his mouth.The bastard's eyes flew open and then, despite his wife watching from 30 feet away, he sucked and licked my fingers clean before I laughed and went inside.With my back against the door, I turned the lock and ran the fingers that were only moments ago in my coworker's mouth, back into the wet slit of my pussy and began frigging my clit furiously. I could feel the walls of my pussy clamping around the nothing that was there, and I ached for a cock. I could not believe how horny I was and then it was as if it was the first time. On the mantle was a peppermint stick, one of those white ones with red and green spiraling around it, about a good cock width around and 18 inches long.I will tell you what, Ole' St. Nick had nothing on me as I ran to the fireplace, grabbed the hard candy and started to run it up between my now wet thighs. But then, I thought about all of that sugar and a urinary tract infection and… well you know, so it was off like a flash to the bedroom upstairs to get one of my husband's “rump riding” rubbers.I peeled back the foil and rolled the condom onto the confectionery delight and flopped back on the bed to enjoy my own Northern Lights display. I don't know whether it was the booze, having watched Bill and his wife go at it in the car, teasing him at the door or the using of something as innocent as a Christmas candy in my cunt, but within a very few minutes I was cumming as hard as I had for months even before my enforced abstinence!!In fact, it relaxed me so much that I drifted off to sleep, and this is where things get weird.The next thing that I remember I was naked and in my bedroom, but … somehow I was tied spread-eagle against the wall where the dresser sits. (I have no idea where the dresser went, but the mirror was still there, because I could see the room behind me.) That was when I saw Santa, standing in the middle of my bedroom and he had one of those old fashioned buggy whips in his hand. It was a flexible stick; maybe three feet long with a light-weight cord attached at its end and on the other end of the cord was a leather tassel that was swishing through the air with the casual flicks of his wrist.“Ah, you are finally awake. You have been very naughty this year Sandy Barber and with the price of coal, giving that to you would be a reward! So instead, I have come up with some different ways to handle the naughty girls this year!!” With that, he landed the first brush of the leather thong on my bare ass!! It really did not sting, but I jumped anyway,… just from the surprise of it. I heard a chuckle that I knew was the Jolly Old Elf's, but I also knew was nothing like the one I had imagined as a little girl!!The leather touched my bare flesh again and again, quickly moving from my shoulders to my knees and back. Each one of the touches were not even mildly painful, but combined they caused my skin to warm and within a minute I was beginning to sweat and feel my flesh warm and become ever more sensitive to each lick.After a few minutes of non-stop wrist flicking, the sensations began to move more toward a mosquito and then a bee sting. I pulled and struggled to avoid the flashing whip, but I could not move at all. I looked in the mirror back at the man, and his cheeks were flushed and his brow, beaded with sweat. At the corners of his mouth, just beneath the handlebar mustache of white, a smile was just visible, as if he was concentrating deeply upon the task at hand, but the sheer enjoyment of what he was doing could not be hidden.Then he stopped and he moved up behind me and let the buggy whip fall to the floor. “Your skin blushes so well,” he whispered in my ear. Then I felt his hand at the top of the cleft of my ass as it slid all the way down between my hyper-sensitive cheeks. His finger only hesitated a moment as it made its way over the bud of my butthole. Before I knew what was happening, his fingers were opening the folds of my pussy from behind. “You are such a wet little slut, aren't you? I guess we will have to set that in order too.”With that he stepped back from me and my wondering eyes beheld his enormous bulge with fear, as he undid the thick belt around his waist and folded it over. When I blinked again, I saw his belt shrink and it was only a little more than a couple of finger widths and maybe a foot and a half long. He then dragged the soft leather across my hypersensitive flesh and it reminded me of velvet, so soft. “You are going to like this, my child. You are going to like this a lot,” he breathed into my ear and I shuddered.Then he stepped back and with an underhand stroke, landed the leather strap on the bud of my asshole and it whipped its way underneath me, covering my whole pussy with a sudden snap and stopping just short of my clit!! I let out a squeal!!!I have NEVER associated pain and sex. I thought that such things were so opposite in nature that there was no way possible that they could ever go together. And yet I found myself panting as his slaps caused the blood to come to the surface of my most tender flesh!! I knew this could not be real, but I had no idea how I could ever dream up such mixed emotions and feelings. My pussy was on fire and I felt the folds of flesh engorge and swell, wanting to grasp and hold something deep within itself.After what was probably no more than a couple of minutes, the man in red went to my nightstand, where a glass of ice cubes sat. His fingers collected a piece of ice and then, crossing the room, he moved up right behind me and allowed a few drops of ice cold water to fall upon my hot ass cheeks. I moaned. The contrast of my warmed skin and the ice water was incredible, and I heard the moans from deep in my chest, boiling up through my very soul and out my mouth.What he did next was cruel, as he rubbed the frozen cube across my burning labia and I thought I would faint!!! Back and forth, up and down he moved the ice as I squirmed and moved but I was no match for my bonds. Then, without a word of warning he slid what was left back toward my puckered asshole and he forced the tapered icicle missile inside my dark passage!!!As I moaned under his touch, my tormenter leaned over my shoulder and nibbled upon my ear before saying. “You are even more naughty than I knew!! It seems this may require a little more effort than I thought at first.” He then trailed his tongue down my neck to where it flared out for my shoulders where he sucked a love bite before saying, “Yes, you need the North pole treatment.”He turned his head and said, “Boys, get the chairs!” I saw the two elves then over by the door for the first time. They were maybe four feet tall at the most, and very slim, but also unmistakably male, and they darted out the door in a flash, only to return a second later, each with a wooden, straight-back chair in their hands. As I watched, they placed the two chairs facing each other and then tied their front legs together so that it almost made a bench with chair backs at either end.Santa led me over to stand behind the chairs. (How did I get untied? It was a strange dream!!!) Without a word, the elves each took a length of ribbon and fastened my ankles wide to the outside of the chair legs. With a hand on my back, Santa pushed my torso forward and I found that the back of the chair was the perfect height for keeping my lower body straight. The elves, once again, quickly and efficiently went to work and in the twinkle of an eye, my hands were made fast to the back of the far chair by more Christmas ribbon.I looked back and down between my breasts, which hung large and free beneath me, and saw what I could not believe. With the belt gone from his suit, Santa's pants had been kicked aside and my eyes saw the fattest cock I have ever seen!! I swear to God, the shaft was almost as big around as a can of beer and the head of his cock was even larger!!! “You are so wet, this should be a fun fuck my naughty girl.”I looked down and the elves were now sitting on either side of me the floor with their backs to the chairs. They had shed their pants, and one of them had my baby oil and was lubing up his cock with that, while the other was using my body lotion to polish his rod! Their cocks were normal in girth, but probably nearly 15 inches in length. They looked back at me, at just that moment and they laughed and rolled their heads back, right under my breasts and those little imps each latched deeply onto a nipple and began to suck my boobies down their throats!!! They sucked, in such a way that their tongues seemed to milk my nipples while their mouths and lip covered teeth clamped and pulled fluids from deep inside my body that had never been there before and I could almost feel milk spraying down their throats!!That sensation was interrupted as my lower lips were parted wide to accommodate the huge cock of old St. Nick. He paused only a moment… and then Santa began pushing his monster into me and I could, for a moment, understand what a chimney went through when the Jolly fat man with a sack of toys went down it! But from the sounds coming from the bearded man behind me as he worked himself deeper into my wet flesh, he enjoyed pushing himself into me far more than any chimney!!!He started slowly to move just a little in and out of me at first. But steadily he built the tempo and the thrust tempo into my body. I have never in all of my life felt so full!! At the same time, the two elves continued to do things to me with my breasts that no man or boy had ever done to me before. In fact, I think they could have made me cum, just by sucking on my boobs!!!I came in a thundering climax and I must have passed out for a minute or so, because when I came to, the elf that had used the baby oil on his cock had slid himself under me and was smearing more oil on my tits, as the other stood in front of me, pushing his fuck stick against my lips!! Old Saint Nick had built up quite a rhythm behind me and was pounding me from behind like a jack-hammer. I felt “Baby Oil” elf squeeze my tits together while pulling on my areolas and nipples in an erotic fashion that was only heightened by the feeling of his long meat moving up and back through my cleavage.I opened my mouth to scream and the other elf's throbbing cock slid into my mouth! I rolled my eyes up to look at him and saw him staring down at me with a wolfish smile. He stuck his tongue out at me and wagged the long, almost snake like ribbon of flesh at me as if to show me how talented he was and that his tongue was very capable of doing more than my husband had ever done for me. The unspoken offer was, that first I had to use my own mouth for his pleasure!!In that moment, I decided I would try my best to make all three of their Christmas wishes come true!!!There was a suddenly a new shocking sensation as Santa began opening my sphincter with spit and the tip of a thumb. Within a minute he was knuckle deep in me as he began roaring his lust as he slammed his body one final time, balls deep into me!I felt white hot jets of jizz shoot between my tits and onto my belly as the elf beneath me moaned and then my mouth was full of cum as well! All three of them just kept blowing load after load into me and all over my exposed body until my mind spun completely out of control, and I passed out again.When I next opened my eyes, the room was back to normal and Santa and his elves were gone. I smiled to myself as I thought in amazement how wonderful and amazing my over-active dream had seemed.Then I rolled over to go to the bathroom and the flood of cum ran down my leg. That was also when I saw the green sack sitting on the floor by the bathroom door. Out of the mouth of the bag, flowed a wonderful assortment of adult toys, beyond my most rich imaginations!!!Some may say there is no such thing as Santa…but I am here to tell you. My sore pussy, full toy drawer and bruised wrists tell a completely different story!!Wherever you are, my Jolly fat freak of an elf, I want to wish you a very Merry Christmas!! Thank you Santa!!! Please don't wait another year to cum again!!!By BR_imornery81 for Literotica

SERIES 2 EPISODE 84: COUNTDOWN WITH KEITH OLBERMANN A-Block (1:44) SPECIAL COMMENT: Here's an idea. What if - instead of waiting for Trump to manipulate our system and get elected again and use The Insurrection Act against AMERICA, we just used it against him - today? It's not like he's not guilty of... you know... INSURRECTION. B-Block (28:03) POSTSCRIPTS TO THE NEWS: Deadline nears on Ukraine $: How could the GOP be anti-gun? Witness tampering in the Georgia Trump case (with singing). The online Mehdi Hasan petition exceeds 15,000. Trump calls Jimmy Carter "The First Lady" and never even notices. (33:13) THE WORST PERSONS IN THE WORLD: COP28 actually put a UAE Oil Sultan in charge and they're all shocked he denied fossil fuels are killing the planet. Trump Diapers now on sale. And Christian Ziegler is not only in huge legal trouble, but the other woman was only really interested in his Missus. C-Block (38:36) THINGS I PROMISED NOT TO TELL: I guess because I'm suggesting using The Insurrection Act to SAVE America rather than leaving it for Trump to use to DESTROY America, I want to tell the saga of "A Christmas Story" and how Little Ralphie finally figured out how to defeat the bully, Scut Farkas (by invoking the insurrection act!)See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

The Drunk Guys find their soul mate in beer this week when they read The Missus by EL James. They want to marry: SFY by Threes Brewing and Gone Trippin' by SweetWater Brewing. Join the Drunk Guys next Tuesday when they attempt to read Ulysses by James Joyce The Drunk

Wogs love staring and Vlad starts sweating from embarrassment at a Christening, talks about how to seize the moment, Wives VS Balkan Mother-in-Laws, when you should let your Missus move in to your place and Wog Christmas lunches. SUPPORT THE SUPPORTERS THAT SUPPORT THE PODCAST#1 REAL ESTATE SIGNS! The Real Estate Agents GO-TO Signboards, brochures, stickers, flags & much more! 10% OFF YOUR FIRST ORDER, MENTION: VLAD https://www.1res.com.auANGEL GROVE COLLECTABLES (Online collectables from our favourite franchises from the 90s & beyond)New and exclusive toys and collectables from a number of awesome franchises. These include Power Rangers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Dragon Ball, Pokémon and many more!CODE: Vlad (10% discount for all)https://www.angelgrovecollectables.comMETROPOLITAN STONE (Kitchens, Cabinets, Laundry, All Cabinets)We have a combined 30 years experience in the cabinet making industry in Victoria! Everything from small projects to large projects!Benchtop change overs, Kitchen facilities, Kitchens, Laundries, Bathroom cabinets, T.v units, Wardrobes etc!MENTION: VLADContact: MATT 0425797488Matthew@metropolitanstone.com.auhttp://www.metropolitanstone.com.auBRUCE SUPER CONVENIENCE (Specialising in American candy, snacks, chocolates and all hard to get confectionary and snacks from Europe & USA etc)Mention VLAD for special freebies on top of your orders!http://www.instagram.com/BruceSuperChttps://www.facebook.com/brucesuperchttps://brucesuper.com.au/ORANGE LEGAL GROUP (Specialising in Property law for purchasing and selling, conveyancing, in-house Mortgage broker & Chartered Account! One stop shop for ALL property needs! Wrap! FREE Contract reviews for buyers before purchasing property!Mention VLAD!https://www.orangelegalgroup.com.auEmail: property@orangelegalgroup.com.auContact: mycousinvlad@gmail.comhttp://www.instagram.com/mycousinvladBE GOODDO GOODGET GOOD

We Americans don't usually think much of titles. In fact, this disdain was written into our Constitution, where Article I, Section 9, Clause 9 states, “No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States.” Not only that, but any government official must get the permission of Congress before accepting one from a foreign king. So, we tend to turn a deaf ear to titles like marquis, duke or knight. We have a few titles for current and former office holders. We allow medical doctors and members of the clergy to put Doctor or Reverend in front of their names. Other than that, it is just plain Mister, Missus, or Miss, and even those become less common every day. The founder of the TFP, Professor Plinio Corrêa de Oliveira, thought that this tendency was very unfortunate. In his mind, titles separated those who provided exceptional service to their nations and God – together with their descendants – from the rest of the human herd. He believed that such separations – or hierarchies – were essential to the proper order of society.

Usher will perform at the 2024 Super Bowl! Plus, Jonathan Majors and Meagan Good spark marriage speculations after he calls her "Missus," Anthony Anderson's divorce settlement will cost him $20,000 a month, and Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce make their relationship debut at the Chiefs vs Bears game. Tune in to today's Dish Nation!

Daily Dad Jokes (17 Sep 2023) Looking for the perfect gift for your Dad? Check out our official Daily Dad Jokes merch here, including our popular "Dad Joke University" T-shirts Click here to browse Email Newsletter: Looking for more dad joke humour to share? Then subscribe to our new weekly email newsletter. It's our weekly round-up of the best dad jokes, memes, and humor for you to enjoy. Spread the laughs, and groans, and sign up today! Click here to subscribe ! Listen to the Daily Dad Jokes podcast here: https://dailydadjokespodcast.com/ or search "Daily Dad Jokes" in your podcast app. You can now submit your own dad jokes to my voicemail, with the best ones to be included in upcoming episodes on this podcast. Just leave your name, the city and state you live in, and your best Dad Joke. Call (978) 393-1076. Look forward to hearing from you! [Promo] Daily Shower Thoughts is a new podcast launched by myself and my co-host Lorelai Stewart. Join us for random, amusing and mind bending epiphanies. Pod links here Daily Shower Thoughts website. [Promo] Check out the Get Happy Headlines podcast by my friends, Stella and Mickey. It's a podcast dedicated to bringing you family friendly uplifting stories from around the world. Give it a listen, I know you will like it. Pod links here Get Happy Headlines website. [Promo] Check out the Daily Facts podcast that brings you interesting and surprising facts from around the world every day! Did you know that the longest recorded flight of a chicken lasted for 13 seconds? Or that there's a species of jellyfish that can essentially live forever? With Daily Facts, you'll learn something new and fascinating with every episode. Tune in daily and impress your friends with your newfound knowledge. Listen now on your favorite podcast platform or check out the pod links here Get Happy Headlines website. Jokes sourced and curated from reddit.com/r/dadjokes. Joke credits: ajd416, LurkaLuna, BeeAndPippin, hywelbane87, Revolutionary-Door21, TakingAMindwalk, acidiola, RoundTeacher224, brother_p, genxfrom66, sitesouk, ChefFuckyFucky, devildance3, kevindavis338, EndersGame_Reviewer, UrbanCyclerPT, MrAmazing3001, MrSteveA, moneynah, porichoygupto, rj104, Ivene, deviantdeaf, RedMusical, BroJob_Biggs, yorkshirenation, Caduceus_11, bacon8tor999, DustyLem0ns, porichoygupto, boosui, Delgeski, vocatan, Kartenhouse, HellaMajestic, Perrin42, Saetric, guavawater, ramseyyyyyyyy, noawningno_mining, Emuonthe_Loose, Twaynesty, LGHT_Rider, wimple007, EndersGame_Reviewer, FukfaceVonClwnstik, meeyaoon, crazyfortaco, andersonfmly, astronaut12, thegreatjamoco, AlphaQUp_Bish, incredibleinkpen, porichoygupto, MangolfTheRed, Alternative-Rule8015, Fishboi694, Bomber42069710, wassup369, kevindavis338, Redditmemebotlol, marcoli94, BonoboGamer, porichoygupto, OliPark, corefear, Zoeleil, EvK_27, PyroJungle, glidaa, kgangadhar, DinglebarryHandpump, porichoygupto, andersonfmly, VERBERD Subscribe to this podcast via: Spotify iTunes Google Podcasts Youtube Channel Social media: Instagram Facebook Twitter Tik Tok Discord Interested in advertising or sponsoring our show with +15k daily streams? Contact us at mediasales@klassicstudios.com Produced by Klassic Studios using AutoGen Podcast technology (http://klassicstudios.com/autogen-podcasts/) See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

A dream house with a nosy neighbor, getting out of a rut, and looking for love in rural Newfoundland. We spoke with Mary Walsh and Dave Sullivan about the new season of "The Missus Downstairs."

Have you ever found yourself wondering "where are they now?" when listening to our caller episodes and Q&As? Well... drumroll, please... UPDATES ARE BACK, BABY! This is our second ever installment of what we hope to make a biannual tradition. We called out for updates from our question-asking Shandies and many were kind enough to provide their subsequent chapters, good or bad! Come join us in the living room where we're on the edge of our seats! Thanks to our sponsors! - Head to https://www.moshlife.com/SHANDY to save 20% off plus FREE shipping on your first 6-count Trial Pack! - Go to https://www.apostrophe.com/SHANDY and use our code SHANDY to get your first visit for only five dollars! Time Stamps: 0:00 - Introduction 0:55 - Episode 32: Q3, from Gabby - https://youtu.be/GvYfIlViSnk 5:40 - Episode 40: Q1, from Claire - https://youtu.be/GLK2kbK78j4 11:05 - Episode 80: Q5, from Aria - https://youtu.be/550ahd6ZtF4 24:42 - Episode 95: Q3, from Christina - https://youtu.be/JjSsIJaFGzI 28:28 - Episode 107: Caller 2, Danielle - https://youtu.be/pFIEaZXDV50 31:03 - Episode 125: Q2, from H - https://youtu.be/Y0GLNYRq2qo 33:27 - Episode 125: Q5, from S - https://youtu.be/Y0GLNYRq2qo 35:20 - Episode 129: Q5, from Lisa - https://youtu.be/0HD8P34ITQI 38:54 - Episode 140: Q1, from Danielle - https://youtu.be/Et2s0pt-7lI 42:25 - Episode 146: Q3, from C - https://youtu.be/ygmeFYPyYMk 47:04 - Episode 166: Caller 1, Ray - https://youtu.be/JWaxbrWEwMw 48:24 - Episode 182: Q1, from Roni - https://youtu.be/FgJZYlWYlos 54:07 - Episode 182: Q4, from Anonymous - https://youtu.be/FgJZYlWYlos 1:00:56 - Episode 184: Q3, from Bass - https://youtu.be/5G1JlNLmwLE 1:04:48 - Episode 197: Q4, from Snooty - https://youtu.be/dtHws_MFWho 1:09:47 - Episode 197: Q5, from The Mistress - https://youtu.be/dtHws_MFWho 1:14:37 - Episode 214: Q5, from Mrs Missus - https://youtu.be/LDTzewx3uQU If you have a relationship question, write us at: dearshandy@gmail.com Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/dear-shandy/donations Subscribe and watch the episodes on YouTube! https://bit.ly/SubscribeDearShandy Follow us! Dear Shandy - https://www.instagram.com/dearshandy Sharleen Joynt - https://www.instagram.com/sharleenjoynt Andy Levine - https://www.instagram.com/machinelevine Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/dear-shandy/donations

This week's episode comes directly from Joe's Stag Do. A stag do is where boys go to do podcasts, and we highly recommend it, especially to you, MISSUS. Gav quizzes Joe on the likes, dislikes, and historic whereabouts of his fiancée. Steve writes a poem to rival that one about your parents being bad for your bonce. Log commits horrors with language alone.

On this episode of Bad Dates, Jameela welcomes comedians Jack Whitehall (Travels With My Father, Fresh Meat), Katherine Ryan (8 Out Of 10 Cats, The Duchess), and Hanna Dickinson (Get Money, Tales From The Trip) to discuss their most iconic dating fiascos. Jack bottles it up over a broken bottle, Katherine explains why sometimes you SHOULD go home again, and Hanna's date offers her an unexpected injection. Plus, Jameela shares a listener letter about the worst kind of fashion accessory.Jack Whitehall appears in the new season of The Afterparty on Apple TV+. Katherine Ryan's podcast is called Telling Everybody Everything, and her new special Missus is available on Sky. Hanna Dickinson hosts the new podcast Ha Ha Land, and tickets for her upcoming shows can be found at hannadickinson.com. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Guys... This episode is pure chaos so huge apologies in advance. Whilst Calfreezy was enjoying the delights of Japan, we held a Fellas x Pitchside special with their latest recruit TOM GARRATT. TikTok's most beautiful man shares his stories from American uni, getting banned from the US and who he wants to scrap on an influencer boxing card. Pitchside: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/ @PitchSidePod  ⁠ Tom Garratt: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/ @TomGarratt10 ⁠ Reev: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/ @reev ⁠ Theo Baker: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/ @TheoBaker.  ⁠ Want to call into the podcast LIVE? Join the Discord: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://discord.gg/dZK7T58AmS⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Join the discussion: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.reddit.com/r/FellasPodcast/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ All Links: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://linktr.ee/thefellaspod⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

The dang Huckleberry don't wanna eat no snakes. Mex then learns The Missus ain't no power wizard, who owns the Holy Hula Hoop and who brought Monster-speak to an art school.

Boyle is deep in Jiu Jitsu at 6am and Stef Anne wants to know what to do with his Missus who doesn't think he is an Alco.  If you are enjoying the podcast go support Boyle on Patreon-https://www.patreon.com/boylecomedy And follow on social media -  https://www.instagram.com/boylecomedy/ https://twitter.com/BoyleComedy https://www.facebook.com/BoyleComedy

Baby in one hand - no summary i'm done Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Even internet radio show hosts need a vacation sometime. RAM may have been silent last week but we were hardly slacking ass. We gathered up the Missus and few close friends and hit the Messes Des Morte black metal festival in Montreal. As much as we love Old Scratch's fave tunes, three straight days was a little much for us. So we enlisted the BM expertise of good friend and... The post Radioactive Metal 725: Black Metal Vacation appeared first on Shining Wizards Network.

BECOME A FANDJ Brian Maier is on FaceBook, TwitterSOUNDCLOUDStream to mobile devicesITUNESPodcast downloads available post release date1. Missus, Hobin Rude - Contrariorum2. Lexer - Pillow Talk3. Cary Crank - Acid Rock4. Miss Monique - Plato5. Please - Echoes From The Past (Sasha Carassi Mix)6. Gabriel & Dresden - Bias7. Ben Summers - Away (Kamilo Sanclemente Remix)8. My Friend - Came Here For Love9. Genix, Zashanell - All I Want (My Friend Mix)10. Grum, Sarah Appel - Come Alive11. RUFUS DU SOL - Always (Monkey Safari Mix)12. AxeLara - True Lies (Sebastian Sellares Remix)13. Simon Doty - Reality Check14. AFFKT - Black Crocanti15. Nancie - Human16. Joyhauser - Lamana17. Jiminy Hop - Levera18. Something Good - Rhythm Of The Night19. garden state - 1995 (Simon Doty's Housed Up Mix)20. SID - Higher21. Bedrock - Emerald (BOg Mix)22. Dabeat - Empty Spaces23. NOIYSE PROJECT - Tear Gas24. Mike Griego - Flying Doves25. Kamilo Sanclemente - Innocense (Triucid Mix)26. Seff- Needle To The Grove (James Solace Remix)27. Simon Doty - Candy and Feels28. Bolier - Follow Me (Redondo & Gil Glaze Mix)29. Estiva - Aquarius30. Dabeat, Camilo Sanclemente - Nightalkers31. Le Youth - If Only (You Could Be Here) (Eli & Fur Mix)32. Kasper Koman - Loco Motif (Tantum Mix)33. WhoMadeWho - UUUU (&ME Mix)34. Solee - Growl 

Fr. Anthony Cook returns to the podcast to talk about everyone's favorite were-bear in “Queer Lodgings,” chapter 7 of The Hobbit, not to mention animals who walk upright, the proper greetings of eagles, the many blessings in The Hobbit, and Gandalf as the match-maker who introduces Beorn to his future Missus. References to Beowulf and Icelandic sagas naturally abound.

Fr. Anthony Cook returns to the podcast to talk about everyone's favorite were-bear in “Queer Lodgings,” chapter 7 of The Hobbit, not to mention animals who walk upright, the proper greetings of eagles, the many blessings in The Hobbit, and Gandalf as the match-maker who introduces Beorn to his future Missus. References to Beowulf and Icelandic sagas naturally abound.

Fr. Anthony Cook returns to the podcast to talk about everyone's favorite were-bear in “Queer Lodgings,” chapter 7 of The Hobbit, not to mention animals who walk upright, the proper greetings of eagles, the many blessings in The Hobbit, and Gandalf as the match-maker who introduces Beorn to his future Missus. References to Beowulf and Icelandic sagas naturally abound.