RESILIENT, STRONG, CONNECTED

I really like new beginnings.  I look forward to the first day of class with each new semester. I recall the fun of an exciting new job, and I can feel the warmth of the first 40 degree day after a hard winter.   One of my favorite parts of being a counselor is the opportunity to offer someone the hope of a new beginning.  People often seek out counseling in the lowest moments. They are desperate for help when they are hurt the most, at their lowest or have no other place to go.   But, to seek out counseling also demonstrates an incredible ability to hope. The first counseling session is full of hope that a new beginning is possible.  Someone new to counseling may think, “I hope this counselor can help me”, “I hope things get better”, “I hope my marriage survives”, “I hope the negative thoughts stop”.  What many find in this first session however, is that the most powerful aspect of counseling is the ‘WE'.  It is discovered that by connecting with another caring and compassionate human ‘WE' can find a path through the difficulty. The first counseling session begins a relationship in which you are no longer alone, you are now a ‘WE' and have a partner to walk alongside you on the journey.     Connections Family Counseling's mission is ‘to help build resilient kids, strong marriages, and connected families' in Quincy, Illinois and the surrounding areas. Therefore, we believe that every new beginning starts with hope, is powered by ‘WE' and becomes resilient, strong, connected.  For this reason today is a new beginning for Connections Family Counseling.   We are excited to announce that our podcast, which had been known as “the connected family podcast” will now be titled ‘Resilient, Strong, Connected”  We believe that this name more clearly reflects the mission and vision of Connections Family Counseling and is therefore a better vehicle to assist our community members looking for a new beginning.   We hope that you will continue to benefit from the podcast and will join us in becoming ‘Resilient, Strong, Connected. Visit Connections Family Counseling Website      

Christina Furnival, MS, LPCC is a wife, mom to two young children, licensed psychotherapist, writer, and children's book author.  With over a decade of experience in the mental health field, she has worked in a variety of settings including a domestic violence center, hospital program, a non-profit providing parent support, education and coaching, outpatient clinics, and telehealth. Christina is passionate about supporting parents and children to understand themselves better, navigate challenges with confidence, and live the life they want. Christina founded the internationally enjoyed blog, Real Life Mama, after going through postpartum depression and anxiety to support other moms going through the same thing. Christina's writing has grown and evolved beyond her blog, enabling her to secure a children's book deal with PESI Publishing for an entire series focused on vital social-emotional skills.    Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group   Buy The Book Now By clicking Below

Going Deep To Heal Relational Pain Matthew Leavenworth is a mental health counselor in Billings Montana with Yellowstone Counseling Center.  He graduated from Adams State University in 2015 with a master in mental health counseling and is currently pursuing his PhD at Adams State as a counselor educator.  He has extensive experience seeing children, adults, couples, and families dealing with a range of disorders, including anxiety, depression, and trauma.  He uses rock climbing as an experiential component of therapeutic healing and is an avid rock climber and outdoorsman when he is not home with his beloved wife Kylie and daughter Huxley.   The Dock By Matthew Leavenworth I feel the sand under my toes, The sky is blue.  The sun is opaque behind thin clouds.  A slight breeze blows across the water.    The dock is a hundred yards in front of me, A peninsula out into a great expanse of water. I have a towel in my hands. My skin goosepimples and I shiver as the breeze picks up with a chill.    I think about turning back. The water is too cold. The wind will chill me to the bone. There are sharks out there.   Instead, I throw the towel aside and start forward. My steps are heavy at first, The wet sand swallows my feet, I can still turn back.   I don't. I start jogging forward, My quickening steps find the wooden planks, faster and faster. There is no railing; only the sparkling cold and deep that will swallow me.   The end of the dock looms, The thought occurs.  I can turn back, I can stop unless I take another step.   I leap forward. Into the open unknown. The water swallows me. It is all the pain and the triumph and everything I am.   I am deep under water. Deeper and deeper, Until I see. Other shapes in the water, like mine, staring back at me, swimming also.     Connections Family Counseling Join The Facebook group    

Pat and Tammy McLeod serve as Harvard Chaplains for Cru, an interdenominational Christian ministry. Tammy is also the Director of College Ministry at Park Street Church in Boston. She received her MA in Spiritual Formation from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary. Pat holds an MA in Theological Studies from the International School of Theology and an MA in Science & Religion and a PhD in Practical Theology from Boston University. They are founding members of the Mamelodi Initiative in the township of Mamelodi, South Africa—a project that connects Harvard students with at-risk youth in a mentoring and educational program to prepare them for college. Pat and Tammy, certified instructors for Interpersonal Communication Programs, Inc., have been married for more than three decades and are parents to four grown children. They coauthored the book Hit Hard: One Family's Journey of Letting Go of What Was and Learning to Live Well with What Is in which they share their journey into the world of ambiguous loss that began after their son suffered a traumatic brain injury playing football. Zach's story received media coverage by ABC, NBC, CBS, and NPR. Recently they started COVID-19 Conversations on their website hoping to help others be resilient in ambiguous loss.  For more information, please visit  https://patandtammymcleod.com Join the Facebook Group The Website    

Connection is the Cure If you are like me, sometimes you look around in your home, your community, and the world and feel overwhelmed by the pain.  So many people are hurting. Children are stressed to the point of thinking about taking their own life. Parents struggle to respond when adolescents seem rebellious, angry, lost, and out of control.  Married couples hurt one another over and over again with disagreements, harsh words, and thoughtless actions.  These are only examples found inside families.  Our communities and world also express pain through war, hatred toward the ‘other', and social isolation. The pain seems overwhelming and constant.  I hope to be a person that assists with the healing of the world, I desire to help families recover from unimaginable hurt and to walk with couples as they grow to love one another again.  I want to impact my community in a way that increases understanding and decreases social isolation. But how? What is the cure for the pain that so many experience? I believe that healing occurs in the context of relationship.  Parents overwhelmed by the difficult behaviors and strong emotions of their child need relationship.  Couples caught in a dance of conflict desire to know and be known.  Our communities racked by violence and hatred are desperate for an end to the isolation of being ‘the other'.  In short, I believe that connection is the cure.  The book “A General Theory of Love” (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000) describes the resonance, regulation, and revision that occurs in deep connection as the cure for relational and emotional pain. Resonance: Resonance is defined as “the reinforcement or prolongation of sound by reflection from a surface or by the synchronous vibration of a neighboring object.”  When you strike a guitar string the vibration from that string causes the strings next to it to vibrate.  Even more, if the two strings are vibrating at the same speed they are said to be in resonance and they amplify or reinforce one another.  Humans are constantly broadcasting signals about what is happening inside of them (Lewis, Amini & Lannon; 2000).  As our inner world is broadcast we long for another to recognize our signals and synchronously reflect our experience.  Synchronous reflection amplifies and reinforces our internal state.  The amplification and reinforcement of our internal state allow us to experience the sensation of being known and knowing the other (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000). Regulation: The broadcasting and synchronous reflection of experience allows an individual to be known and to know another.  This connection of two beings establishes a physiological rhythm resulting in the modulation of emotions (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000).  When distressed we instinctively look for others to help modulate overwhelming feelings.  We seek out support groups, friends, partners, pets, or service providers (therapists, doctors, etc…) to regulate our physiology.  Lewis, Amini, & Lannon argue that learning to modulate emotions is not learned through didactic or cognitive learning but only through experience (2000).  “They absorb the skill from living in the presence of an adept external modulator, and they learn it implicitly” (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000; p. 171). Revision: Regulation is the process of implicitly learning to modulate emotion in connection with another.  Revision is the process of rewiring the brains relational pathways to create more fulfilling relationships (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000).  Our relational pathways are shaped early in life through the previously described processes of resonance and regulation. Hundreds probably thousands of early experiences form our templates of relating to self, others, and the world (Bowlby, 1969).  Often, these early ways of relating do not lead to fulfilling relationships.  Revising these templates requires many interactions with another in new more fulfilling ways. Like the process of regulation, revision is best caught rather than taught.  It is the experience of a new relational pattern that changes the brain for good (Lewis, Amini, & Lannon; 2000). Connection The cure for relational and emotional pain is connection.  Connection is synchronous reflection of experience, the modulation of emotions with another, and the revising of relational neuropathways through experience.  Healing through connection is incredible news, it means that we all have the ability to help our loved ones heal.  We all have the ability to connect, it is hard work, and it will require revision of our own, but it can be done. References: Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Attachment (Vol. 1) New York, NY: Basic Books. Lewis, T., Amini, F., Lannon, R., (2000). A General Theory of Love. New York, NY: Vintage Books.    The Website Join The Facebook Group  

How to Change Your Brain To Improve Relationships, Emotions, and Connection. This time of year, many of us are wondering how to change bad habits.  Others plan out ways to accomplish big goals for the year.  We may take big ideas and break them down into small steps or we may subscribe to a “Guru's” fool proof way to “rock out 2019”.  I recently read a book that argued the way to change yourself is to change your brain.  What?  Change my brain how does this work?  Would I have to crack my head open and perform a lobotomy?  Well, no. Curt Thompson in his book “Anatomy of the Soul” outlines the ways in which we change our relationships by changing our brain.  How to change: Neuroscientists say that the brain is “plastic” meaning it can change and grow over the entire lifespan.  So, Thompson states that we can use the “neuro-plastic triad” to change the way that we function in the relationships, ourself, and the world.  He argues that we increase our functioning in relationships, emotion, and memory through aerobic activity, focused attention exercises and novel learning experiences. Aerobic Activity: We have always known that exercise is good for us.  Most however tend to think of physical exercise as something that changes only our body.  We may lose a few pounds, gain more physical strength, or fit into the clothes we wore in our younger days.  Thompson argues however that regular vigorous activity actually changes our brain and makes it more responsive for our lives.  We may become more able to regulate emotions, handle disappointment or connect with loved ones.  Focused attention exercises: Changing the brain has to do with creating new “wiring” or, neuro-networks as the scientists call them. Focused attention is how this wiring is created. Some call this type of attention mindfulness.  I have written HERE about how to teach your child to be more mindful.  Others practice prayer or meditation to accomplish similar purposes.  Focused attention allows us to become more aware of what happens inside of us at any particular moment.  This awareness creates deeper understanding of ourselves and others.  This new understanding allows for more connection to ourselves and the people that matter in our lives.   Novel learning experiences: Thompson then challenges us to engage in novel learning experiences.  These activities should include activities that one is passionate about or things that contain deep meaning for the individual.  Memorizing the phone book doesn't count but such things as art, music, dance, drawing or working with your hands may.  Learning something new stretches our neural connections. It causes us to use parts of our brains that we may not have used in a while.  This new learning opens up possibilities for learning in other areas and experiences.  So what? How is the “neuro-plastic triad” helpful for us?  Change can be difficult and many of us have experienced failure in our attempts to change.  But approaching change from a brain-based perspective allows us to lay the ground work in our mind and body before attempting to change outward behavior.  So, start with a short walk while mindfully paying attention to your surroundings or praying.  As you gain confidence and traction in that area try something new like playing the ukulele or sketching in a notebook.  Take it slow and give yourself grace.  You will not be perfect but you will be changing. References: Thompson, C (2010) Anatomy of the Soul: Surprising connections between neuroscience and spiritual practices that can transform your life and relationships.   Connections Family Counseling, LLC Website Join The Facebook Group

Host Mark Vander Ley Ph.D., LCPC discusses the four styles of parenting identified by Dr. John Gottman's research. The four styles of parenting described in "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" are The dismissing parent, the disapproving parent, the Laissez-Faire parent and the emotion coach parent.  This episode of The Connected Family Podcast focuses on describing the four types of parenting style and then summarizes the five steps of emotion coaching.   Join The Facebook Group The Website

Parents You have Lost Control: Part 3 Every family needs an established set of limits. Predictable limits help children feel protected and challenged. They are designed to ensure safety and to allow for exploration. Consistent limit-setting may be the most difficult part of a parent's job. Loving Limits are loving and compassionate when set by parents. Although it can be difficult, and some children may claim that their parents hate them when they set them, limits provide structure, support, and guidance that a child needs to feel safe.When set in a calm and empathetic manner, limits provide the basis for a child's future identity development. Instructive Limits are instructive, and parents are not. It is tempting for parents to “preach” when setting limits, so as to be sure that the child understands the lesson. However, the real teacher is the limit. Children learn best through experience, and a consistently set limit will teach a lesson even if a child has tuned out the voice of a parent. Meaningful and Manageable Limits serve a purpose and are simple enough that parents can follow through on them with moderate effort. First, the set limit should be directly related to the offense. For example: if homework goes unfinished, then Billy will not be able to watch TV tonight. The limit should cause some level of anxiety for the child. Sending them to their room with TV, video games, and internet probably will not cause anxiety. Additionally, the limit should not overwhelm parents. For example, grounding a busy teen from the car for a year will cause too much disruption to the family routine, and parents will not likely be able to enforce the grounding. Individual An important limit for one child may not be important for another. Every child is different, and parents should adjust their parenting approach based on the needs of the child. Age is an important factor as well. A teenager can handle more freedom to choose than an eight year old. As a child matures and grows, they should be able to earn more freedoms. Timely Limits should be set in appropriate time. For a young child, the enforcement of the limit must be very close in time with the offense. For a teen, however, delaying the limit so that mom and dad can discuss it together can actually raise the level of anxiety and increase the effectiveness of the limit. Safe Limits must be emotionally safe. A parent must be in control of their emotions while setting a limit. A parent that is visibly angry and upset while setting a limit cannot think clearly enough to set appropriate limits. This parent is also in danger of producing fear in the child rather than anxiety. Fear produces external motivation, which is not the goal of limit-setting. What we desire to produce is internal motivation, which is produced by anxiety One of the hardest parts about learning of setting limits is deciding what level of freedom, both emotional and physical, is appropriate for your child. Obviously a toddler has narrower limits than a teenager who has begun to demonstrate personal responsibility. The most important piece of setting limits is allowing enough freedom of exploration and experimentation so as to provide the child with the feeling of competence, power, confidence, and excitement. But, you do not want to allow so much freedom that the child does not learn to respect the rules of nature and authority. The optimum level of freedom provides enough challenge for the child to master increasingly difficult skills and enough limits for the child to be safe and respectful. In this next exercise, I challenge parents to sit down with one another and access what LIMITS will be for their house in the current stage. It is recommended that families re-evaluate household LIMITS for each developmental stage (infant, toddler, preschooler, elementary, Jr. High, High school). The website Join the Facebook Group Here  

Parents You Have Lost Control: Part I have many discussions with parents that center around the issue of control.  The surprising part for many of them is that I emphasize giving up control rather than maintaining control.  It seems to me that parenting is a life-long exercise in gradually giving over more and more control to our very precious children.  This process can be a very scary, or even painful, endeavor for many parents, especially when it is done either too quickly or too slowly.  Many parents wonder, “If I give up control to my child, then how will he learn what is right?” or “Won't they end up being wild children who are continually in trouble?”  Though it is tempting for some parents to believe that gradually giving control over to their children will result in ineffective or poor behavior, the truth is that giving age-appropriate control to our children is actually in their best interest.  In reality, giving more control to your children as they mature will help develop a confident, internal moral compass from which they will make better decisions on their own..              Let's make the distinction between being “in control” and being “controlling.”  Chris Mercogliano in his book “In Defense of Childhood Protecting Kid's inner wildness.” Describes “in control” as “establishing age appropriate limits, while at the same time supporting children's growing sense of autonomy by allowing them to make choices and learn from their mistakes” (pg. 9).  Being “in control” is setting very clear limits for children and enforcing those limits consistently.  However, if a child is moving within those limits, he is free to be in control of his decisions and behavior.  The approach of the “in control” parent allows children to practice making choices that meet their needs or desires, but provides appropriate limitations to that freedom.   Alternatively, Mercogliano describes “controlling” as  “placing high value on obedience, shepherding children toward specific outcomes, and discouraging verbal give and take” (pg. 9).  A controlling parent is not only setting limits, but is active within those limits, making choices and decisions for a child that he could have easily made on his own.  A controlling parent who is focused “toward specified outcomes” has his own ideas for the child and is out to make them happen.  This parent does not consider the child's desires, interests, or skills. Instead, this parent's focus is on meeting his or her own needs.             The key is to gradually give age-appropriate control to our children, which is given in the form of choices.  For example, you may ask your young child, “Would you like to wear shorts or blue jeans today?” or “Would you like to drink milk or water?” or “Do you want to read books or play outside?”  All of these choices are opportunities for parents to give children control over the moments of their lives without allowing them to be in control of the household.  We have all seen the three year old who is clearly in control of the parent-child relationship.  Instead of being given choices chosen by the parent, this child is dictating the agenda for the entire household.  Giving a young child too much control is not only unhealthy, but is also harmful for future development.  On the other hand, giving age-appropriate choices to our children boosts their healthy development. The most important aspect to remember when offering choices to your child is that you must be comfortable with all the choices given.  As a parent, you have to be willing to follow through on your child's choice, so offer these choices carefully.  For example, giving a three year old the choice between riding his tricycle in the driveway and riding his tricycle around the block unsupervised is not acceptable.  Once you begin to offer choices to your child, it will become second nature.  You will begin to see everything as a choice and will learn how to phrase things as opportunities for choices rather than commands.              So, what good does offering all these choices do?  Children who have been raised with appropriate levels of control in their own life grow to be teens who are intrinsically motivated.  All the millions of choices that they have been allowed to make over their lives have taught them that they have the power and ability to make their life what they want it to be.  These children have what is referred to as an internal locus of control.  They believe that the outcomes of their actions are the function of their effort, skill, and personality.  They are confident in their abilities to succeed, and motivation for that success comes from within.  In fact, “allowing children the freedom to pursue their interests without interference is paramount for intrinsic motivation” (Mercogliano, pg 10).  However, a controlling parenting style leads towards children who have an external locus of control.  These children have been so controlled from the outside that they do not know how to make decisions without outside help.  They believe that they have very little power to make life what they want it to be.  They are waiting for someone to come along and do “it” for them, or are hoping for a miracle to make their dreams come true.  Those with an external locus feel as though they are not responsible for the outcome of their actions.              Giving up control also allows our children to internalize their values.  Parents desire to see their children make decisions that are based on their value system.  It is sad to see a child who makes decisions based on the desires of his peer group or cultural influences.  A responsible child is one that makes right decisions because he is confident in his values and view them as more important than the applause of peers.  Internalized values are a very important part of identity development, as what we value contributes greatly to our thinking.  And when our thinking is deeply rooted in our values, our behavior usually lines up.  The positive result is an integrated identity. Finding a healthy balance in the amount of control we give to our children is difficult, but so important.  Remember, a child with too much control is no better off than one with not enough control.  I encourage parents to start small.  Give your child control over as many things as possible while maintaining appropriate limits.  Having clear limits for your child will help to balance the temptation to over-control.  As long as the child is within the clear limits, he is free to behave and choose as he wishes.  When he wanders outside the limits, make sure he experiences a consequence that reinforces the limit.             In summary, a gradual release of control to your child will help him to grow into a teen that believes that the outcome of his actions is a function of effort, skill, and personality.  Giving up control will also foster the internalization of a child's values, which is a key component to the development of an integrated identity.  Over-control by parents will leave teens with a sense that they are not responsible for the outcome of their actions.  They will also be susceptible to the influence of peers and culture in regards to decisions about values and conduct. 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Parents You have Lost Control Part 1 My wife and I are in serious trouble! Today my five year old discovered the most well kept and important secret of the parenting world.  I was hopeful that my boys would not discover this secret for several more years.  Now that the middle child has figured it out however, it will not be long before the other three catch on.  He has discovered that when it really comes down to it, I cannot MAKE him do anything.  We stopped at a local restaurant to grab dinner following his soccer game.  I was rushing home to pick up his older brother so that I could take him to his cub scout meeting.  As we left the restaurant he stopped, just outside the door.  I was walking ahead of him and looked back to see him propped up against the wall scraping his soccer cleats on the ground.  I said, “come on buddy, let's go” He said, “No” and just stood there.  He looked at me with a knowing smirk; he saw that my hands were full, I was in a hurry, and that I had few parenting “tools” at my disposal.  Thankfully, I had gotten off work a little early today so I was in a pretty patient frame of mind.  I remained calm and began racking my brain for the best way to handle this situation.  We stood there looking at one another for nearly a minute.   It began to feel like the stand off at the OK corral, whoever moved first, was doomed to lose.  After searching for the most helpful tool in my bag for this situation, I came up empty.  I was unable to think of a logical or enforceable statement to convince him that he should move on his own.  So, I walked back to where he stood, took his arm and walked him to the car.  Eventually he decided to walk on his own, and climbed into his seat.  As I reflect on this situation I am struck by the simple truth, I CANNOT MAKE HIM DO ANYTHING.  At this point he is only five, I am bigger than he and I can take him by the arm and walk him to the car.  In ten years if he decides to take a similar approach about going to school things will be different.  I will not be able to physically move a fifteen year old as I did my five year old today.   This was a power struggle, he realized that I was in a hurry and short handed; he decided he was going to exercise his personal will.  I am reminded of how important it is for parents to admit and be OK with the fact that we cannot MAKE our children do anything.  All we can do is state what we are going to do.  We cannot control our children, instead we must explain the expectations or limit and then manage our own responses accordingly.  When the child does not meet the expectation the parent can let go of forcing him to “do” something and provide a logical consequence for the decision.  If the child meets the expectation he learns a lesson about responsibility, if the child does not meet the expectation and experiences a consequence, he learns a lesson about responsibility.  Either way the lesson is learned and the parent maintains sanity by understanding, “I don't have to control my child, only my self.”  Join The Facebook Group The Website  

Several years ago I read the book and watched the movie “Into the Wild”.    It is a true story about an upper middle class boy.   After graduating from college he gave away what was left of his college fund and wandered around the United States.  He told no one where he was going and ended up starving to death in the Alaskan wilderness.  My favorite quote from the movie goes like this, “It is not as important that a man be strong, as it is that he feel strong.” I knew a boy recently who did not feel strong.  If you looked at him you would not think it. He was a football player, confident, and bigger than most.  Despite outward appearances however he believed that he was weak.  The worst part was not that his strength was being stolen, but that he was giving it away.  A recurring theme from our conversations was how he would beat up anyone who said something bad about his mom.  He was constantly talking about how tough he was.  He listed off the number of fights he had been in and the times he had been suspended from school.  I really liked this boy but was becoming frustrated with his need to portray himself as tough and “manly”.        I began to realize that although he was strong, athletic, and likeable-he did not feel strong, athletic, or likable.  It appeared to me that he felt weak, awkward, and hated.  His fragile view of self required that he project strength and aggression.  If he were to project what he really believed, that he was weak, awkward, and hated, people might agree with him, and he could not handle that.  So, he built the most “manly” façade he could come up with.  This façade was designed to convince others and himself that he was strong and not to be messed with.      The Facade of Strength: 1. Is a Self-protective strategy 2. Is built as the result of hurt or lack of safety 3. Does not allow a person to be truly safe or truly known Unfortunately, it is very common for boys to build a façade of “manliness” designed to keep people from knowing who they are on the inside.  In their book, “Raising Cain”, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson call this the fortress of solitude.  This façade begins, from a very young age, to isolate boys from emotionally connected relationships.  Boys grow up to be men who can hold long conversations about what is happening in the world of sports.  However, they have a very hard time identifying what is going on inside of themselves.    I hope that parents will teach their boys what it means to be a man.  We can teach our boys that being a man may include physical strength.  We can teach our boys that being a man also includes emotional strength.  A man of emotional strength is able to look inside himself to acknowledge the good and the bad.  He is also willing to include those he trusts in this inner life.  It is this vulnerability that is a great marker of “constrained power”(meekness).     Parents can help children develop strength by: 1. Strength develops when a child feels cared for and loved 2. Strength develops through physically and emotionally safe challenges 3. We are strong when we are vulnerable. The website Join the Facebook Group

I was born in a small midwestern town and lived in that town until my family moved to Southern California when I was in fourth grade.  I have very fond memories of playing outside with the neighborhood kids for hours at a time.  I remember games like ghost in the graveyard, annie annie over, and freeze tag.  I even remember walking down the road with my friend to fish in the pond that was located in the corn field adjacent to our subdivision.  I returned to visit that same small town several years ago for a friend's wedding and drove through the old neighborhood.  I expected to see kids running through the neighbor's back yards and to walk down to the pond in which I had caught my first fish.  I was surprised that the pond was no longer there, as the field had been developed for houses.  More disappointing was the emptiness of the street.  There were no kids outside playing with one another.  Have all the young kids grown up?  Are there no kids left in this neighborhood?  Several years after this visit when I was working as a therapist for teenagers, I began to get a better understanding of what happened to this neighborhood.  I was talking to a young man and I asked him what he was good at.  He thought for a little while and said, “video games”.  I said, “oh cool, what are some other things you are good at?”  He thought for bit longer this time, and said, “I am only good at video games.”  I was pretty shocked by his belief that he was only good at video games.  He was well liked among his peers, intelligent, handsome, and physically fit.  Yet, the only strength he could come up with was video games.  Since those first days as a counselor I have run into many other young men with a similar view of self.  I believe that this limited view of self is caused in part by the decrease in outdoor free play for many children today.  A 2004 study by Rhonda Clements at Hofstra University surveyed 830 mothers regarding their level of outdoor play as children and that of their children.  85 percent of the mothers agreed that children today play outside less than children did in years past.  70 percent of the mothers reported playing outside everyday as a child compared to only 31 percent of their children.  The survey found that the number of children playing games with child created rules has dropped from 85 percent of the mothers to 33 percent of their children.  The only outdoor activity that children in the survey did more than their mothers was adult organized youth sports.  I strongly believe that children, especially boys need to be outside engaging in child created play.  The three main benefits that I see from this type of play are self-confidence, imagination, and social skills. Self-Confidence:             There is no better place for a child to test the limits of their abilities than the outdoors.  This could be climbing the ladder to the slide for a young child, making it all the way across the monkey bars for a school aged child, or taking on the older kids in a basketball game for a middle schooler.  These activities are physical, mental, and psychological challenges that push a child just one small step past their current ability.  These small steps over a number of months or years build into a series of successes or failures that allow children to take on the challenges of the future.   Imagination:             The great outdoors is filled with opportunity to increase imagination.  This may include the hiding place under the porch stairs used to dig for treasure.  The snake habitat made from a puddle, grass clippings, and rocks, or the delicious mud pies served up to mom and dad.  These child created exercises in make believe are the classroom in which future artists, teachers, engineers, and, doctors hone their skills.  The skills necessary to create new masterpieces, work with the difficult learner, create a bridge or heal disease. Social Skills:             Possibly the most important benefit of child created outdoor play are the lessons of how to get a long with others.  Children will argue forever about the rules of a game before it ever begins.  They may even stop in the middle of the game to renegotiate expectations.  The temptation as parents is to stop the bickering, and make the rules for them so they can get on with the play.  Remember though, that the bickering is the point.  The most social learning is taking place during the negotiation.  This is when they are learning to communicate, take turns, and accept another's point of view.  Sometimes it seems like we must do more, more, and more for our kids.  I propose you do less.  Cut out a sport or two, scale down the lessons, and stay home a few nights a week while the kids create a world of play in your back yard.     Connections Family Counseling Website Join the Facebook Group  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Melissa Hopper author of "Can We Not Talk".  The Can We (Not) Talk? journaling study is a totally not-awkward way to have meaningful conversations with your teen about the topics that matter. As parents and teens work through the lessons in their workbooks and journal, they will be prepared to have discussions on topics like love, healthy relationships, boundaries, standards, pornography, and more. Melissa is a homeschooling mother of four and the Director of Community Education at her local pregnancy center.  In her professional life she facilitates conservative and legally compliant sex education to over 6,000 California students per year.  She also offers resources related to parenting, public health, safety and more.  At home Melissa cares for her four children, enjoys spending time with her husband, gardening, road trips, and time in nature. To find out more information about Melissa and her studies visit Instilled Studies Our website Join the Facebook Group

Why does a person get angry?  What is it about a child's behavior that can cause a parent to lose control?  Parents get angry and lose control with their children when they experience stress or anxiety above their levels of tolerance.  Typically, when parents experience this level of stress, one of their four core fears—danger, failure, loss of love, and loss of control— has been triggered by their children's behavior.  Often, the end result of this fear is the parent's extreme emotional response to the situation.  Learning to identify and better understanding the impact of these fears in our parenting helps us learn to maintain better personal control with our children. Danger: The fear of their child being hurt, emotionally or physically.  Parents who experience this core fear feel anxious when their child takes risks or is out of their sight.  The most common way of relieving this anxiety is to protect.  These parents have a hard time maintaining personal control when their efforts to protect are being avoided by the child. Failure: The fear of failing as a parent, or their child failing as an adult.  Parents who experience this core fear work hard to make their child a success and have a hard time maintaining personal control when their child's behavior seems to work against them. Loss of love: The fear of losing their child's love.  Parents who experience this core fear may rely on their child for feelings of affirmation and value.  In times of trial they feel abandoned, alone, and betrayed by their child and may struggle to maintain personal control. Loss of control:  The fear of losing control of their child or the situation.  Parents who experience this core fear see misbehavior as a sign of things to come.  They are afraid that if they don't get things under control, their child will grow up to be a hardened criminal or worse.   The Website Join The Facebook Group  

Sometimes in marriage counseling we encounter couples that overcome their demon dialogues, create a new dance of intimacy, and rewrite the story of their relationship.  Yet, just when it appears they will move to a deeper level of connection one partner brings up a seminal incident that they just can't seem to “let go”.  Susan Johnson describes these hard to let go moments as “relationship traumas” and states that many times they include one partner feeling a profound sense of abandonment.  It may include an overwhelmed husband isolating in his bedroom just after learning about his wife's cancer diagnosis. Or maybe it involved a wife's difficulty in showing empathy for the death of her husbands father.  Susan Johnson offers six steps to forgiveness in these difficult situations The hurt partner speaks his/her hurt The hurt partner describes the wound without attacking the other.  The partner may use words like “I felt…alone, abandoned”. This communication is not about the details of the incident but the feelings and experience of the one hurt.  The pain, which in the past had been covered with anger and criticism, is now revealed in honesty and vulnerability. The injuring partner is present and acknowledges the hurt The injuring partner remains emotionally present as the hurt partner shares their experience.  The injuring partner now more fully understands how their actions hurt the other.  This new understanding leads to an acknowledgment of hurt and creates the safety needed to move forward. Partners Risk Vulnerability Both partners soften towards the other moving from the defensiveness of “you will never hurt me again” to “I think I can trust you now”.  The new position of trust and openness allows for both partners to express emotion surrounding the incident leading to deeper understanding and connection. Injuring partners take ownership of their mistake The injuring partner is now able to take full responsibility for how their actions impacted the hurting partner.  This probably includes a heartfelt apology.  The injuring partner is able to communicate deep regret, empathy, validation, and a commitment to “being there” in the future. Partners discuss their needs now The next step is for partners to communicate with one another what they need in the present. This will most likely include presence, touch, responsiveness, awareness, and connection. The new story The couple is now ready to create a new story surrounding the incident.  The new story describes how the incident damaged trust in the relationship.  It also highlights what led to the demon dialogues.  But, the resolution of the story is shaped by how the couple confronted the pain of the incident and was able to heal through the process of openness, vulnerability, risk, and connection.    The website Join the Facebook Group

Find the Bad Guy This dance occurs when both partners are stuck using attack as a way to protect ones self from feeling vulnerable, alone, or unsafe.  Each partner blames the other for the problem because disconnection has made it unsafe to vulnerably acknowledge ones own responsibility in the problem.  John blames the family's financial issues on Mary's irresponsible spending habits, while Mary blames John for not working hard enough to provide for the family.  The pattern is cyclical in that the more one is blamed the more disconnected and unsafe they feel.  The lack of safety puts each partner “on guard” for the attack of the other.  A hypersensitive stance may cause the partners to see threat where there is none.  This leads to more frequent attacks and ever increasing difficulty in resolving conflict. Protest Polka The most common pattern encountered in marriage counseling is the pursuer-distancer dynamic or as Susan Johnson calls it the protest polka.  One of the partners protests against the growing disconnection in the marriage by pursuing the other. Many times this pursuit feels more like demanding or criticism to the partner causing them to withdraw.  The more the distancer withdraws the more the pursuer criticizes or protests.  The pursuer is looking for reassurance about questions such as “do you care about me?”, “do I matter to you?”, “am I important” while the distancer is attempting to protect ones self from feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, and failure. Freeze and Flee The final dialogue is one of silence.  Both partners are hunkered down in their respective fox holes and hope is nearly gone.  The pursuer has no more energy to protest and therefore shuts down to protect ones self from hurt and loneliness.  The distancer is finally enjoying some peace but remains disconnected as a way to protect against a sneak attack.  Each partner has tried everything they know to fix the problem but nothing has worked.  They feel frozen, stuck in a dance that brings deeper and deeper hurt; therefore they flee by either leaving the marriage or resigning themselves to a lonely loveless relationship.     Accessibility An accessible partner is one that is “there” when reached for.  When feeling alone, scared, and vulnerable we reach out to our loved ones in an attempt to gain comfort and safety.  When a partner is accessible they remain present for their spouse and provide empathy, validation, and compassion.  Although this reaching may come across as anger the responsive spouse views the “reach” as a need driven by hurt and fear.  An accessible spouse sends an implied message of “you are not alone”, “I am here for you” and “we will get through this together”.  Responsiveness A responsive partner is one that is “moved” by the reach of the other.  Sometimes, when we are overwhelmed by someone else's emotion we hide it, stuff it down, or deny it.  This appears as cold, unresponsive, and distant to a partner in pain.  A responsive partner is able to “feel” the other with a deep understanding of the hurt, loss, and fear.  Understanding ones partner in this way creates a sense of moving toward each other.  The reaching out has worked and the hurting partner experiences reconnection.  Engagement An engaged partner is one that has been “moved” by the emotion and pain of his/her partner and stays “in” it.  They are able to maintain the connection with the partner throughout the difficult time.  They do not run away from the powerful emotions, downplay them or seek to minimize them.  An engaged partner is able to feel the emotion while experiencing a safe connection with self and the other.  Our Website Join the Facebook Group Johnson, S. & Sanderfer, K (2016). Created for connection: The “hold me tight” guide for Christian couples.  New York, NY: Little Brown and Company.  

Dan Siegel (2014) writes about the amazing tumultuous wild wonderful teenage brain describing the radical changes that occur in the brain through the teenage years.  He also writes in his book “Brainstorm: the power and purpose of the teenage brain” (2013) about the four qualities present in teenage minds based on the radical changes that occur in the brain.  He describes novelty seeking, social engagement, increased emotional intensity, and creative exploration as required ingredients for the maturation of an adolescent from child to adult.  He describes an upside and downside to each ingredient.  The Upside and the Downside of the Teenage Brain The upside of novelty seeking is a new-found openness to change and passionate living.  The downside is an increase in risk taking and thrill seeking.  The upside to social engagement is a strong desire for connection and relationships with peers and adults. The down-side can be a teen that isolates from adult relationships and focuses solely on the influence of peer relationships.  The up-side of increased emotional intensity is more energy and zest for life, but the downside is impulsivity, moodiness, and volatility.  The upside of creative exploration is increased ability for abstract thinking and pushing against the status quo, the downside is that new forms of abstract thinking can lead to a crisis in identity and self-perception.  I really appreciate the way that Siegel frames the adolescent developmental period as having upsides and downsides.  He characterizes all the challenges, difficulties, and changes as necessary and wonderful advancements on the road to “integration” (2013).  Integration “the linking of different parts, creates more coordination in the brain itself” (Siegel, 2013, p83) “These more precise and efficient connections in the brain make for wiser judgement and discernments based not on the small details that are without a larger context but on the overall gist that sees the big picture” (Siegel, 2013, p.83).  In the past, adults have spoken about adolescence as a stage to survive rather than a crucial part of a person's human development.  I think if we, as parents and counselors can change our perspective on this stage of life, those adolescent's in our care can feel more understood and respected.              We have the opportunity to assist teenagers by equipping them with tools and strategies for integration.  Siegel (2013) introduces seven ways to help adolescents develop increased integration.  He lists Time-in, sleep time, focus time, downtime, playtime, Physical time, and connecting time. 7 Ways to integrate the Teenage Brain Time-In: Time-in, is an intentional period spent reflecting on your inner world.  It is paying close attention to our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, intentions, hopes, dreams, attitude, and longings (Siegel, 2013).  As we consider the amount of time that adolescents spend using social media and other forms of technology it is obvious how important it can be to encourage some time to just sit and notice the inside.  Sleep Time: Adolescents need about 8.5-9.25 hours of sleep a night for optimal brain growth (Siegel, 2013).  The consequences of lack of sleep include weight gain, decreased memory consolidation (learning), and decreased attention and problem-solving abilities (Siegel, 2013). Helping parents and teens to understand the value of sleep can be a crucial step in helping to regulate mood, conflict and family difficulties. Focus Time: Time spent in focused attention without distractions and interruptions also contributes to the brain's development.  Focusing on one thing causes the brain to release the chemicals needed to create new neuro-networks and to “cement” those networks into the brain.  This process is active in learning and therefore, Siegel encourages a movement away from “multi-tasking” and distractions.  Downtime: Time spent with no mental plan and nothing to accomplish gives the brain a break to recharge.  Setting aside time on a daily basis can assist an adolescent by recharging the brain for the next period of intense focus. Playtime:  Although often considered only for children, play time both mentally and physically is also important for adolescents.  This time free from outwardly imposed structure and full of spontaneity and creativity allows for exploration of new ideas and experiences (Siegel, 2013). Physical Time: Siegel (2013) suggests 30-45 minutes of movement and argues that physical activity helps build connections in the brain, improves learning, enhances mood and increases relational connections. Connecting Time: Taking time to be with friends and family is also crucially important.  Siegel (2013) and many others (i.e. Bowlby, Ainsworth, Rogers) highlight the importance of relational connection for human flourishing.  Providing time to connect in a meaningful way enhances mood stability, and one's sense of purpose.    The website Join the Facebook group Siegel, D. (June, 2014). The amazing tumultuous wild wonderful teenage brain. Mindful. P.43-51. Siegel, D. (2013). Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. New York, NY: Penquin  

On this episode of The Connected Family Podcast Dr. Mark Vander Ley talks with Kathryn and Adam Adrian, the founders of Connect Child and Family Solutions.  Adam and Kathryn are foster parents that have developed a passion for the foster community.  After becoming foster parents the couple learned about the number or teams needed to provide excellent care to children, foster families, and biological families.  They also discovered that the existing resources and agencies were doing this excellent work, without adequate resources themselves.  So, they decided to help build the foster care community by filling the gap between foster care families and much needed resources. Connect Child and Family Solutions partners with existing foster care agencies to prioritize the hearts and minds of children, along with their foster and biological families.  They provide a resource closet to help provide for the basic needs of children as they transition into a foster care placement.  They also provide a foster-friendly space for family visits, classes, support groups, and play dates.   Connect Child and Family Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group

I have been reading Brene Brown's leadership book entitled “Dare to Lead”.   If you are familiar with Brene's work you know that this book is full of talk about vulnerability, empathy, connection, and relationship. So, since we at Connections Family Counseling are passionate about building a community of connected families it makes sense that we would want to share it with you.  “You are going to share a leadership book in hopes of connecting families?”, you ask. Yes, this leadership book outlines in a really understandable way how to create connection using five basic skills of empathy.  It is so powerful it can be used in business leadership and in leading your family.  What is Empathy? First of all, we need to know what empathy is. Brene defines it as such, “Empathy is not connecting to an experience, it's connecting to the emotions that underpin an experience.” (pg 140). Thankfully, we do not have to have the exact same experience as someone else to give empathy, we just have to feel what they are feeling.  Not only that, Brene argues that empathy is an infinite and renewable resource.  The more empathy we give the more we have and as long as we continue to give it we will never run out of it.   Empathy Skill # 1: To see the world as others see it, or perspective taking. We all see the world from our own unique perspective.  Our family of origin, nationality, race, gender, knowledge, and experience all influence our view of any given event.  However, empathy begins by seeing the world from another person's perspective.  Brene Brown says we cannot do this perfectly but we can, “Honor people's perspectives as truth even when they're different from ours.” (pg. 143). When we honor the perspective of our partner or child as valid and important no matter how different than ours we are honoring them as people and laying the groundwork for deep meaningful connection.  Empathy Skill # 2: To be nonjudgmental We tend to judge others in the areas we feel most susceptible to shame (Brown, 2018) we look for people who are weak in our weak spots and we judge them for it.  This can be extra difficult in a family because we are intimately aware of each other's weaknesses.  Alfred Adler once observed that children tend to act out the most in correlation to their parents most strongly held values.  If I strongly value success and feel shame when I “fail” I may be easily triggered when my child does not appear motivated or seemingly puts in minimal effort.  I may have a very difficult time nonjudgmentally listening to my child's struggle with a teacher or school assignment if it goes against my personal values and triggers.  Being aware of my values and shame triggers while enable me to be kinder to myself and my family. Empathy Skill # 3 and # 4: To understand another person's feelings and to communicate understanding of that person's feelings. In order to feel what another person is feeling we have to be able to identify and articulate feelings.  When a family member is sharing their experience listening for the feelings that underlie the experience and reflecting them back is key to empathy.  I often encourage people to imagine what they would feel in the situation, come up with a feeling word and say, “you feel…”.  When we use this approach, we risk being wrong. BUT, if we are right our family member feels heard, if we are wrong they can correct us and as long as we accept the correction we move to a place of deeper understanding and connection.  Empathy Skill # 5: Pay attention  Brown (2018) challenges leaders to pay close attention to their internal signals (e.g. heart rate, posture, thoughts) so as to give proper attention to feelings without getting swept up in them.  If we feel empathy and get swept away in our family members feelings we tend to lose connection with the person.  If we are overwhelmed by the feelings and move way our family member may feel abandoned and not “seen”.  Paying attention helps us to balance feeling with a family member and caring for ourselves while maintaining connection to the person.     

What is the most important thing you hope to teach your son before he turns 18? Many parents focus on skills like, driving a car, spending money wisely, working hard, or study habits.  But, research seems to show that teaching our sons emotional intelligence may be the most important thing we do.  In 2003 researchers at Yale University studied a group of college age students and found that as emotional intelligence goes up so do positive relationships with others. These researchers also found that the ability for a person to manage their own emotions is closely related to positive interactions with others.  The same group of researchers later discovered that Lower levels of EI are associated with adolescent risk taking behaviors like use of illegal drugs, consumption of alcohol, and deviant behavior. So, what is emotional intelligence?  There is some disagreement about the exact definition but the one that I find most helpful can be summarized like this:   Emotional Intelligence is, The ability to Perceive Emotions The ability to Utilize emotions to facilitate thought The ability to Understand emotions The ability to Regulate emotions of self and others So, What are some ways that parents can help their son to learn emotional intelligence?  Here are my thoughts Focus on Connection The research about how children develop emotional intelligence shows that it is passed on through connection with parents.  Those parents that use an authoritative parenting style (balance between control and empathy) have children with higher levels of emotional intelligence.  Sometimes our fast paced culture encourages parents to get their children involved in activities that will enhance their brains and build their resume.  What research shows, however, is that it is “us” that matter, the time spent connecting over low cost activities enhance our children's lives.  So, build connection with your son by using the basic listening skills (I wrote about them here).  Play their favorite board game one evening a week.  Schedule them to cook dinner for the family one night and help them through the process.  Spend a few minutes talking about the day before shutting off their bedroom light for the night.   Focus on Perception of Emotions Help your son to understand that other people's behavior is a clue to all that is happening on the inside. Your son can learn about how to interpret facial expression, body language, tone of voice, and other communication from you.  You can help him to accurately perceive emotions by guessing at what you think he is feeling and expressing it verbally (ex. You are angry) if you are correct he feels heard and now has a word for what he was just feeling on the inside.  If you are incorrect he can tell you and therefore clarify his feelings for himself and for you.  It is also very helpful when you verbalize what you are feeling in the moment with your child.  If you have lost your keys you might say, “I am really starting to get frustrated” when you experience a setback at work you might say, “I am disappointed that…” The bottom line is; help him to perceive his own feelings by verbalizing them for him and then discussing it, help him to perceive what others are feeling by sharing your feelings in the moment. Focus on Managing Emotions of Self Again, the best way to help your son learn to manage his emotions is to be good at managing yours.  Modeling appropriate emotional reactions to normal and difficult situations shows him exactly how to do it.  For younger children games like red light/green light are helpful.  Older children can learn skills like belly breathing, mindfulness, and relaxation techniques. Additionally, the way you listen can be a very powerful way to co-regulate your child, which enables them to learn to regulate emotions by experiencing the process with you. (read about it here). Emotional intelligence is one of the most important skills that a boy can learn.  You can help him to learn it by focusing on connection, perception of emotions, and managing emotions of the self.  Our Website Join The Facebook Group  

Validate his feelings Anger is a very powerful emotion. Many times anger is expressed on the outside when on the inside he is feeling sadness.  Acknowledging your sons anger helps him to feel heard and can actually decrease the intensity of its expression.  When you say, “you are really angry about this” it communicates to your son that you understand him therefore he can decrease the expression of the anger because you recognize it. Listen without judgment Validating feelings begins by listening and seeking to understand his perspective without judgment.  The temptation is to correct misperceptions or misunderstandings however this is not helpful.  Correcting perceptual mistakes only communicates that you don't understand HIS perspective.  When your son realizes that you “get it” from his perspective the anger will decrease and you become an ally in the problem solving process.  When you are his ally in problem solving you can ask questions that provoke thought and reflection encouraging him to find conclusions and solutions to his own problems.  Give YOURSELF a Timeout Sometimes the hardest thing about having a son that expresses lots of anger is managing your feelings in the moment.  Sons can say hurtful things, your fears may be triggered, or you may be afraid for your family's safety.  In this situation, give YOURSELF a timeout.  The issue does not have to be resolved right now, give your son some space (as long as everyone is safe) this space allows for all parties to calm down, think things through and make better decisions.  After sufficient time has passed reconnect with your son, apologize for any mistakes you made and start over by using suggestions 1 and 2 from this list.  Practice Self-regulation Large expressions of anger are a clue to you about how “powerfully” your son is feeling his anger.  Sometimes, he will have a difficult time calming down, or keeping his “bottle from bursting”.  These times of feeling out of control are normal for a boy that is still learning to self-regulate.  You can help him to learn to self-regulate by modeling calmness, using controlled breathing, and practicing mindfulness. Set Limits One of the major challenges parents encounter in the face of their sons anger is maintaining family limits when things get really heated.  It is important that you calmly, and consistently set limits on behavior in the home.  These calm and consistent limits allow your son to know “how far he can go” in expressing himself.  He will push up against them and test them but when you calmly maintain the expectation it feels safe and comforting to him.  Sometimes, these limits are broken in such cases it is important to refer to suggestion 3 and give YOURSELF a time out before calmly talking to your son about what will happen next.  Giving time for all parties to calm down is a very helpful thing. The Facebook Group Connectionsquincy.com

Self-esteem is a concept that is regularly discussed in our current culture.  Many parents fill their child's life with activities, play dates, and positive affirmations in the hopes of creating greater “self-esteem”.  In many cases however, it does not seem to work.  The harder we work to build our kids up the lower their self-regard.  This post is intended to give you a framework for how to build your child's self-esteem. What is Self-esteem? Self-esteem is made up of a child's academic and non-academic self-concept, that is, how the child views himself in those two domains.  Each domain is broken down further into more specific areas.  Academic self-concept is divided into the subjects of math, science, english, and social studies.  Non-academic self-esteem includes the areas of social, emotional, and physical self-concepts.  Global self-esteem is a combination of how the child experiences himself in these areas combined.  What makes Self-esteem? So we know what self-esteem is but what makes one child have more than another.  Researchers have found  “The greater the discrepancy between adequacy in some domain and importance of that domain, the greater the negative impact on self-esteem” (Broderick & Blewitt, 2015).    In other words Self-esteem is made when a child experiences success in a domain that is highly important to them.   How to build Self-esteem? The role of parents then, is to discover which domain is most important to their child and to support it.  Does your child love math but hate soccer?  Then, practicing soccer with them may not be the most important thing on the list.  You may want to spend more time doing math together and joining them in that love.  Discover what is important to your child and support them in that area. Support from parents is a key way to build self-esteem and so is competence.  When a child feels competent in an area that is important to them, their self-esteem is enhanced.  So, focus on providing lessons, activities, and competence building experiences in the areas that are important to your child.  As they build competence in these areas they will grow in confidence.  If we focus too much energy on too many areas the child may be overwhelmed and tired.    The Facebook Group The Website

I was watching my son's baseball game the other day and happened to overhear an exchange between two parents and their two sons that compelled me to write this post.    The two boys were joking and laughing with one another through out the game. One of the boys joked with his mother sitting near by and goaded her to ask the other boy why he had been grounded from his smart phone.  The second boys father walked up and jokingly gave the reason by saying, “somebody likes the P-O-R-N a little too much”.  The father, his son, and the other boy laughed and continued on with their activities.   I, on the other hand began to think through some of what I had been learning from the book Wired for intimacy: How pornography hijacks the male brain written by William M. Struthers.  I missed my opportunity to share with this father how pornography hurts his son. But, will share with you now what I have learned about the impact of pornography on boys.   Pornography Corrupts Intimacy   We all, boys included have a built in need for connection with other people.  We are driven to seek relationship, closeness and safety with those we love.  Pornography corrupts this desire by making intimacy all about the physical act of sex rather than vulnerability, and emotional connection.  Struthers states it this way,   “pornography corrupts the ability to be intimate. It pulls consumers and producers in with the promise of intimacy, but fails to deliver the connection between two human beings”.   Sex is a part of deep intimacy but it is not the whole picture.  Pornography promises the connection that boys long for but delivers shame, guilt, secrecy and pain.   Pornography Consumes the Brain   New brain research demonstrates that experience changes the brain.  The viewing of pornography and the subsequent acting out is no different.  The more pornography is consumed the greater the impact it has on the brain.  Again Struthers describes it well by saying,   “As men [boys] fall deeper into the mental habit of fixating on these images, the exposure to them creates neural pathways. Like a path is created in the woods with each successive hiker, so do the neural paths set the course for the next time an erotic image is viewed… with each lingering stare, pornography deepens a Grand Canyon-like gorge in the brain through which images of women are destined to flow”. The more pornography that is consumed and the younger the age of exposure the more significant the impact will be on the brain.    Thankfully brain research also demonstrates that the brain is plastic.  This means that it changes through out the entire course of ones life.  So, the neuro-pathways developed in response to viewing pornography can be rewritten over the course of life.  So what can you do to help your son?   What Can Parents Do?   Build Emotional Mastery   For those dealing with porn addiction the viewing of pornography and sexual acting out often become the primary way they deal with stress and overwhelming emotions.  They never learned how to adaptively regulate emotions and pornography has become the only strategy that works.    “emotional mastery is important because it teaches boys how to regulate and control their feelings.  As a father pushes and challenges, he offers an opportunity for his son to experience these human emotions in a safe place.” (pg. 141)   Connect in Relationship   As stated before we all need connection to other people for survival.  Struthers says that the depth of porn addiction is correlated with a boys unmet emotional and relational needs.  If you are concerned that your son is addicted to porn it may be tempting to avoid discussing it or to distance yourself from him in anger.  What he needs however is more connection with you.  His needs for connection and intimacy will never be met through pornography.  Those needs are only met in genuine connection with you or other loved ones.  Move toward your son in relationship communicate compassion and love in the midst of your heart break.   Get Help   It can be difficult to reach out for help when struggling with pornography.  Our culture tends to view porn addiction as one of the things that cannot be talked about.  Reach out to trusted friends, a pastor of professional counselor to walk with you and your son through the struggle.   Connectionsquincy.com   The Facebook Group

Our children live in a culture full of stress.  There is pressure to be involved, pressure to be the best, and pressure to fit in.  Some claim that the current generation is exposed to more stress than any previous generation.    Psychologists define stress as “the demand made on an organism to adapt, cope, or adjust.”   When we think about stress in this we it is easy to see that since we live in an ever-changing world and culture the ability to adapt at a young age may be more important than ever.    Psychologists also acknowledge that not all stress is bad and actually claim that some stress (Eustress) is good.  Eustress is the type of stress that propels one forward to accomplish the next stage of development or to learn a new and exciting skill.  Eustress can be exciting and motivating where as stress can be overwhelming, debilitating and pervasive.  So what can be done to help a child that is experiencing the negative type of stress?  Researchers have discovered a number of things that when practiced on consistent basis moderate the level of stress that one is experiencing. That is these things help to reduce the negative impacts of ongoing stressful situations.   Self-efficacy expectations:  when one believes that they can, they can.  We can instill in our children a sense of “you can do it”.  This can be done by supporting them through the learning and development of a new skill of hobby.  (Check out this post on Self esteem to learn more)    Psychological Hardiness:  Hardiness is comprised of the characteristics of commitment, challenge and control. According to research people who are strongly committed to their activities, view challenges as a part of life to spur personal growth, and those that believe they have control over their lives were more hardy and resistant to stress.   Humor: Researchers found truth in the biblical saying “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine” Proverbs 17:22.   One study found that those with an ability to see humor in stressful situation were less impacted by that stressful situation.   Emotional support: Research has also found that support from trusted family members and friends, decreases the level of stress and depression that people report experiencing in the last month.   So what can you do?   Believe in your child so they can believe in themselves.  Provided unique challenges for them and support them in accomplishing them to build that sense of “I can do it”.  Encourage your child to see challenges as opportunities for growth, view them as that way for yourself and your family.  Laugh at yourself, keep a light heart, and share the connection of humor.  Lastly, be there with a listening ear and word of encouragement when the road gets tough.  They may act like they don't need you but we all need the support of our family and friends.   Connectionsquincy.com The Facebook Group  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley Discusses Fatherhood, Attachment theory, and the value of rough and tumble play on this episode Dr. Vander Ley will discuss: 1.Historical and religious motifs of fatherhood       Moral teacher guide       Distant breadwinner        New nurturant father 2. Father as a picture of Gods' grace 3. Fathers through an attachment lens      Mother-child attachment relationship compared to the Father-child activation relationship      Different but complementary ways of building parent-child attachment        Fathers often spend more time in play than caretaking 4. The role of physical play is important       Challenge in the context of safety       Rough and tumble play      Mutual enjoyment of physical play      Competition skills-how to handle conflict in socially acceptable way I LOVE YOU. I am Stronger than you    Instagram The Facebook group  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Dr. Jimmy Myers discuss the second edition of Jimmy's book "Toe to Toe With Your Teen: A Guide to Successfully Parenting A Defiant Teen Without Giving Up or Giving In." Mark and Jimmy discuss the importance of maintaining a strong relationship with your teen when setting limits.  Jimmy utilizes an acronym and recommends riding the peace TRAIN for relationship building.  He tells parents to focus on Time, Reducing Negativity, Acting against stereotype, taking an Interest in the teens world, and that Not every moment is a teachable moment. Jimmy also challenges parents to parent their teens the way God has parented them.  He describes God as a parent that is loving, forgiving, accepting, holy, just and sovereign.  Mark and Jimmy then discuss the challenge that many parents face in managing their own anger in conflict with a defiant teen.  Jimmy explains why this can be so difficult and how a parent can navigate when they are triggered Dr. Jimmy Myers is the visionary Founder, Owner, and Chief Executive Officer of The Timothy Center, located in Austin, Texas.  The Timothy Center, opened in 2001, is a unique, multi-campus counseling practice that focuses on helping adolescents and families find God's solutions to life's challenges.  The Timothy Center also provides secure online counseling throughout the state of Texas and consultation services nationwide.  As a full time, licensed professional counselor/supervisor, Dr. Myers has also served as Family Pastor at LifeAustin (lifeaustin.com) – and has served over 20 years on staff at two large Southern Baptist Churches.  In the many years of ministry to teens and their families, Dr. Myers' experience has shown him that it is never too late to turn a family around.  Dr. Myers has spent more than 30 years writing, ministering, and speaking nationwide about mental health issues, sexual addiction, teenage life, and Christian family Fearless Parenting: How to Raise Faithful Kids in a Secular Culture, (2017) Co-authored with George Barna, Baker Books Pairadocs Podcast, a weekly podcast with a Christian take on life, family, and culture. (pairadocspodcast.com) Join The Connected Family Facebook Group Connections Family Counseling on Instagram  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, LMSW, RPT-S Discuss the basic concepts of Interpersonal Neurobiology for Parents and Partners.  Robyn offers an overview of the important concepts as well as implications in a variety of situations.  We are challenged to look beyond behaviors and understand what is happening on the inside of our family members.  Robyn Gobbel, LCSW, LMSW, RPT-S has over 15 years of practice in family and play therapy experience, specializing in complex trauma, attachment, and adoption.  Robyn is a therapist, trainer, and consultant who recently relocated to Grand Rapids, MI from Austin, TX.  Robyn's diverse clinical training includes EMDR (including EMDR adapted for children with attachment trauma), Somatic Experiencing, Theraplay, Trust Based Relational Intervention®, Circle of Security Parent Educator, The Alert Program® and Yogapeutics Aerial Yoga Level 1 Teacher Training.  Robyn has integrated these training modalities with a foundation of attachment theory and the relational neurosciences to create an attachment-rich, sensory-sensitive, and relational neurosciences supported healing environment for children and families.  Robyn consults, teaches, and trains extensively throughout the US, including as an instructor for the Foundations of Interpersonal Neurobiology Certificate Program at Portland Community College and with the Adoptive & Foster Family Therapy Post-Graduate Certificate Program offered by Portland State University and Oregon's Department of Human Services.  She has recently joined the working board of the Global Association for Interpersonal Neurobiology Studies (GAINS). Join the Facebook group  Follow us on instagram  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Karen Doyle Buckwalter, MSW, LCSW discuss the new book "Raising the Challenging Child". The book harnesses Karen's 25 years of experience serving children with attachment disorders and complex trauma.  Mark and Karen discuss the tried and true strategies outlined in the book that will help parents minimize meltdowns, reduce conflict, and increase cooperation.   Karen has more than 30 years of experience working with children, adolescents and families, the last 25 of which she has been at Chaddock. She has co-authored journal articles and book chapters as well as articles which have appeared in Adoption Today and Fostering Families Today Magazines. Her first book, Attachment Theory in Action, edited with Debbie Reed was released in 2017 and she also hosts the Attachment theory In Action podcast. Her second book co-authored with Debbie Reed and Wendy Lyons Sunshine, Raising the Challenging Child published by Baker Books, will release in January 2020.  Outside of work you will find her hiking the Blue Ridge Mountains of the Carolinas. Follow us on Instagram Join the Facebook Group  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley speaks with Dr. Scott Keith about his book Being Dad: Father as a Picture of God's Grace.  In this episode Dr. Keith explains the connection between the story of the prodigal son and fatherhood.  He describes fatherhood as a shadowy representation of God's grace and explains how fathers can point their children to salvation through Christ. Dr. Scott Keith is the Executive Director of 1517 and adjunct professor of Theology at Concordia University, Irvine. He earned his doctorate from Foundation House Oxford, under the sponsorship of the Graduate Theological Foundation, studying under Dr. James A. Nestingen. Dr. Keith's research focused on the doctrine of good works in the writings of Philip Melanchthon. He is a co-host of The Thinking Fellows podcast, contributor to 1517, Christ Hold Fast and The Jagged Word blogs, and author of Being Dad: Father as a Picture of God's Grace. Dr. Keith resides in California with his wife, Joy and family, dividing his time between the mountains and the beach. Find Dr. Keith at 1517.org Connections Family Counseling, LLC Instagram Join the Facebook group

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss the topic of "Building Connection with Your Spouse".  Listeners will get an introduction to the work of renowned couples therapist Susan Johnson and an introduction to attachment patterns in the marriage relationships.  Mark and Michelle discuss the patterns or "dance" that often develops between couples and how to recognize these patterns.  They also discuss ways to handle conflict that draws you closer to your spouse as opposed to creating more distance.   Connections Family Counseling, LLC Join the Facebook group Instagram  

Domestic Spiritual Abuse (DSA) is the use of the Bible, its principles, or institutions to justify the mistreatment of another.  Sarah Elmore, MA, LPC shares her personal experience with DSA as well as the lessons she has learned serving as a professional counselor to those who have experienced it.  Sarah and Mark discuss how the misinterpretation of Scripture may lead to abuse and Sarah describes how DSA may be perpetuated in certain religious contexts.  Sarah explains how difficult it can be to escape the abuse and gives suggestions on how to help those who may be in an abusive situation. Connections Family Counseling, LLC Join the Facebook Group Instagram  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss the importance of talking about sex and sexuality with your children.  Mark and Michelle cover the value of talking about sex early and regularly with your children, as well as the drawbacks of avoiding the conversation.  The conversation uses personal and professional experience to help parents overcome the sometimes awkward and difficult roadblocks to discussing these difficult topics.   Connections Family Counseling, LLC Join the Facebook Group Instagram

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW for a discussion about "what to do when your buttons get pushed.  All parents have blown their top, gotten angry, yelled, or lost their cool.  Mark and Michelle discuss why this happens, how to avoid it, what to do when it inevitably occurs.  They share personal stories of loosing their cool and how they have learned to manage when their buttons are pushed.  In this episode you will hear: 1. Why we lose control when our buttons get pushed 2. How to avoid losing control 3.  What to do when we lose control Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook group Instagram  

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW discuss "connecting through play"  Michelle is the executive director of a long term care facility located in Southern California.  Michelle has pioneered the use of attachment theory and its associated techniques and approaches in her work with children and elderly adults. Mark and Michelle engage in "adventures in overthinking it" as they discuss how to use play and playfulness to connect with young children, adolescents and spouses.  Topics discussed in this episode include 1. Play as a way to "join the world" of your young child. 2. The importance of "leaving room for play" in a culture that is busy and over-scheduled. 3. The use of language and humor to playfully connect with your adolescent or spouse. Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group Find us on Instagram

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley as he Discusses how to protect your child from an online predator with the director of Education from the Morgan Nick Foundation, Genevie Strickland. On June 9, 1995 Morgan Nick was kidnapped while playing with her friends in Alma, Arkansas.  After her abduction Morgan's mother Colleen realized the need for an organization to provide immediate assistance to the families of missing children.  Therefore, The Morgan Nick foundation was started in 1996.  The Morgan Nick Foundation focuses it's efforts on Intervention, Education, and Legislation.  Genevie Strickland is the Director of Education and presented to more than 40,000 individuals in 2018.  This episode of The Connected Family Podcast includes 1. The story of the Morgan Nick Foundation 2. How to spot an online predator 3. How to protect your child from an online predator. Connections Family Counseling Join the Facebook Group

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Pastor Aaron Baart discuss pornography use among teenagers and college students. Aaron is the Dean of Chapel at Dordt College where he teaches, writes, preaches, and spends time regularly with students. He is the co-founder and president of One Body One Hope, a community-development and church-planting ministry in Liberia, West Africa, where he visits regularly. In 2014, he co-authored Vivid: Deepening Your Colors with Syd Hielema and today, he speaks regularly at conferences, camps, churches, schools, and special events. He is married to author, Nicole Baart, and has five kids, aged 6-12. In this Episode: 1. How many students are viewing pornography? 2. How does pornography use impact a students faith, relationships, and view of sexuality? 3. What are loved ones or caretakers to do?   Join The Facebook Group Connections Family Counseling, LLC Instagram    

Dr. Mark Vander Ley and Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW Discuss the difference between accepting someones behavior, values, thoughts, or feelings as compared to condoning them.  Mark and Michelle discuss: 1. Acceptance does not mean you condone ones actions 2. The importance of maintaining relationship even in periods of rebellion or disagreement. 3. Several stories that illustrate the power of Radical acceptance and it's value for relationships Join The Facebook Group Connections Family Counseling, LLC Instagram

Join Dr. Mark Vander Ley as he interviews Rhonda Van Donge about her story of Overcoming Eating Disorder.   Rhonda is a Christian wife, mother, teacher, and author.  In this episode she shares her story of struggling with eating disorder for 17 years.  Rhonda is passionate about telling her story because she wants people to know that there is hope.  She shares about how her disorder developed, how she recovered, and what family members can do to help.  In this Episode: 1. An overview of eating disorder 2. Rhonda's experience of an eating disorder and her recovery. 3. How loved ones can help.   Join the facebook group Connections Family Counseling, LLC Read Rhonda's Blog    

In this Episode Dr. Mark Vander Ley speaks with Dr. Liz Wiggans about how parents can help to Co-create child success.   Liz is a licensed school counselor and a licensed clinical mental health counselor.  she has spent that past seven years working with students as all grade levels.  Liz is passionate about helping young people develop skills they need to be successful in life, from communication, conflict resolutions and relationship skills to organization, time management and career readiness.  She is a mother to two active teenagers and a wife of 16 years.   Join Mark and Liz as they discuss: How to define success What to do when your child's definition of success is different than your own How to join your child in the journey of discovering success How parents can partner with their child's school counselor to create success. Join the facebook group Connections Family Counseling, LLC

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Pastor Joe Mally regarding "Creating Family Culture".  Joe has been working as a staff member in local churches for more than seven years.  He is currently a children's ministry pastor in Quincy, Illinois.   Mark and Joe discuss how parents can begin to intentionally create the culture of their family.  They start by identifying three myths about creating family culture and then discuss the best strategies to building the culture you desire for your family.  Joe says, "don't lose hope", if they have not set the culture they desire for their family to this point, there is still time to do it.  He challenges parents to be intentional with the time they have, to get support, and to focus on building deep relationships with their children. Join the facebook group connectionsquincy.com Instagram

Dr. Mark Vander Ley interviews Michelle Robison, MSW, LCSW regarding Attachment across the lifespan.  Michelle is the executive director of a long term care facility located in Southern California.  Michelle has pioneered the use of attachment theory and its associated techniques and approaches in her work with children and elderly adults.  Mark and Michelle discuss lessons she has learned by working with children and adults in residential settings and Michelle shares three points for family's to remember when considering attachment across the lifespan 1. Find support 2. Learn how to listen 3. You don't have to be perfect only "good enough"   Join the facebook group connectionsquincy.com instagram

The DSM-V defines depression as: “The presence of sad, empty, or irritable mood, accompanied by somatic, and cognitive changes that significantly affect the individual's capacity to function” More specifically the DSM lists the criteria for a Major depressive episode as 5 or more of the following symptoms when they occur during the same 2-week period and at least one of the symptoms is depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure. Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day Diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities Significant weight loss or gain when not dieting, or change in appetite Insomnia or hypersomnia nearly everyday Movement agitation or slowing Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt Diminished ability to think or concentrate Recurrent thoughts of death If your teen exhibits some of these symptoms, what are you to do? Pay attention to thoughts: Depression is primarily about mood, but our thoughts can have a significant impact on the way we feel. So, helping your teen to label and verbalize his/her thoughts can be very helpful. Sometimes teenagers get stuck in a cycle of negative thinking and are not aware of the pattern. Verbalizing these thoughts helps your teen to become more aware of them and how they are impacting feelings. Talk with your teen about their thoughts and ask them to decide if they are unhelpful. If the thoughts are unhelpful brainstorm new, more helpful thoughts that can replace the negative cycle. Through practice they will begin to recognize and understand how thoughts impact mood. Go HERE to read more about ways to get your teen talking. Pay attention to Feelings: Some teens have a hard time expressing what they feel. They are really good at bottling their feelings inside. Unfortunately, for most teens bottled up feelings lead towards explosions of anger or periods of depression. So, helping your teen to express their feelings (no matter how difficult) is a great way to improve mood. You can do this by empathizing with their emotions. Empathy is a three-step process: Listen carefully to what your teen is saying Go inside yourself and ask, “what would I be feeling right now” Express your empathy through a statement such as You feel ______________because _______________. Empathizing with your teen's feelings helps them to be more aware, and makes you a safe place for emotional discussion. Seek Professional Help: Sometimes, all of our best efforts do not have the impact we hope for and it is necessary to seek professional help. Reaching out to your primary medical provider is a good place to start. Most practitioners can provide an initial screening for depression and suggest trusted resources for mental health services.   Professional Counselors (LCPC) are specifically trained and licensed by their respective states to provide treatment for depression. It can be unsettling but a professional counselor can accurately diagnose the problem and provide individualized treatment to meet the needs or your teen. The best counselors create a strong sense of safety for their clients. They develop specific goals and openly discuss treatment strategies. Helping your teen with depression may seem difficult. Start by paying attention to their thoughts and feelings. If your teen does not improve or things get worse, talk to your primary medical provider or a professional counselor. They will walk with you on the journey to healing. To learn more about my approach to individual counseling go HERE To learn more about how I use EMDR to treat depression go HERE If your teen is depressed call me at 217-231-1413 to get help. References: American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Join the Facebook group connectionsquincy.com

The problem of Boredom Richard Winter described the problem of boredom in his book “Still Bored in a Culture of Entertainment”.  He views it as an issue of over-stimulation rather than under-stimulation. He argued that we live in a culture in which “to be entertained” is the highest value. This desire creates an incessant need for novelty and excitement. The problem, however, is that life is full of routine, mundane, and repetitive tasks that must be accomplished. Types of Boredom Winter defines two types of boredom, the first is a temporary boredom that is the result of repetitive tasks. The second, is an on-going pervasive sense of boredom that results from having nothing to do that one likes. I think it is this second more pervasive type of boredom that is most problematic for today's adolescents. It is a sense that no matter what is happening there is just nothing in life to enjoy. The perspective that life cannot be enjoyed unless it is always entertaining, exciting, or extreme  creates a sense that “my life is not good enough”. Thankfully Winter offers 6 ways to combat this pervasive sense of boredom The Boredom Busters  Remember the Big Picture: Recall that even the most mundane tasks (doing the dishes, mowing the lawn) are wonderful gifts. Not everyone has the ability or the means to pursue these tasks. Additionally, these tasks can create a wonderful feeling of accomplishment, capability, and resourcefulness. Stop and Smell the Roses: Living in a culture of constant entertainment has caused us to lose sight of the marvel and grandeur of the simple things around us. We are so busy looking for “extreme” experiences that we miss out on the incredible beauty of the flowers in our yard, the baby birds in our trees, and the stars in the sky. Stop to smell the roses by intentionally noticing the small details of the world around you. I wrote about several ways to practice this skill in a post on mindfulness found here. Cultivate Wonder Winter quotes philosopher Rene Descartes' description of wonder as an “intense intellectual interest”. We live in a time in which a massive amount of information is available at the click of a mouse. Although incredibly convenient we may lose the experience and pursuit of curiosity. Remain curious by seeking to understand the inner experience of the people in your life. The inner world of people can never be fully contained in a book or webpage.  Relationships, therefore, offer an inexhaustible mine for our curiosity. Learn more about how to do this by reading this post I wrote on listening well. Active Engagement rather than Passive Expectation A culture of entertainment has turned us into passive consumers. We sit back and wait to be entertained. Anything that requires effort is passed over for something less challenging. Challenge however creates engagement. When a task entails just the right amount of challenge it creates a wonderful sense of excitement, accomplishment, and competence. This active engagement heightens a sense of purpose and passion that leaves little room for boredom. Ultimately, boredom is a mindset. It is a perspective that develops in a culture that values constant entertainment, excitement, and leisure. Unfortunately life is not all excitement and pleasure. Life is full of routine and mundane tasks.  Remembering the big picture, stopping to smell the roses, cultivating wonder, and actively engaging are ways to combat the life of boredom. Join the Facebook Group connectionsquincy.com

Dr. Mark Vander Ley discusses the shifting view of fatherhood in light of changing culture. More fathers are living apart from their children than ever before, but, fathers are also more and more involved in the lives of their children.  Mark explains the research related to this phenomenon and discusses the progression of "father" as "moral teacher or guide" to "new nurturant father"  Mark discusses ways to raise boys to prepare them for this new way of being a father 1. Value their energy and uniqueness 2. Teach and model emotional intelligence 3. Teach and model emotional literacy.   Join The Connected Family Podcast facebook broup Connections Family Counseling, LLC Find us on instagram

It seems that nearly every month I hear of a new book or article that touts the latest trends in parenting styles.  Most recently I heard about the Lawn mower parent –one that cuts down any challenges in front of their children.  There is attachment parenting, the helicopter parent, drill sergeant parent, consultant parent and one book sings “the battle hymn of the ‘tiger mother'”. Why all this discussion about parenting styles?  It seems that we have lots of questions and concerns about if we are doing it right, and what the best way to relate, discipline, and grow our children will be. Parenting Styles: The research Last year, I had the opportunity to write my dissertation titled, “The Relationship Between Father Emotional Intelligence and Parenting Style.” So, I read a lot about parenting styles including how the categories developed and the research about which one is most effective. Diana Baumrind was the first psychologist to categorize different styles of parenting and she did it based on the amount of control that was exercised by the parents.  She asserted that parental control (or demandingness as it is now called) should be balanced with too much or too little control both ending up in less favorable outcomes for children.   In later years two other researchers named Maccoby and Martin extended the work of Baumrind and hypothesized an additional continuum of parenting called “parental warmth”.  These psychologists describe four different parenting styles that can be categorized by putting the two dimensions of “demandingness” and “warmth” into a table.  (see Below)   High Warmth Low Warmth High Demandingness Authoritative Authoritarian Low Demandingness Permissive Neglectful Parenting Styles: Authoritative The authoritative style is characterized by high levels of demandingness and high levels of warmth. This means there is a balance between demands for responsibility, following rules, meeting expectations, and empathy, compassion, and a child centered view of the world.  According to research the authoritative parenting style produces best outcomes for children including in the areas of self-regulation, academic performance, and social skills. Parenting Styles: Authoritarian The authoritarian style is characterized by high levels of demandingness with low levels of warmth. This parent tends to say, “it is my way or the highway”. There are high expectations for following rules and little compassion or willingness to be flexible depending on the child's view of the world.  Parenting Styles: Permissive The permissive style is characterized by low levels of demandingness and high levels of warmth. The permissive parent does not set guidelines or rules but focuses on the child's emotions and feelings although not in a child centered way.  According to research the permissive style can result in difficulty with self-regulation and difficulty in following school or other expectations. Parenting Styles: Neglectful The neglectful parenting style is characterized by low levels of demandingness and low levels of warmth.  This style may result in abuse depending on severity.  A neglectful parent tends to be uninvolved sets no limits and provides minimal emotional support.  The neglectful style of parenting may be considered the least preferred style of parenting.   Parenting Styles: Now what? What does one do with this information?  I challenge parents to reflect on how they believe they were parented. What parenting style was most often used in the home they grew up in?  What parenting style do they most often use themselves? In many cases the answer to those two questions is the same.  The most important thing with parenting styles, in my opinion, is to be intentional. Do not blindly do it the way your parents did it. Think through the tone, culture and experience you want to create for your family and then intentionally seek to do that.  Usually this will require some work on the part of parents. I know it has for me.  Do not give up though you can change how you are doing it and your efforts will impact the culture of your family. Join The Facebook Group Here connectionsquincy.com Connections Family Counseling on Instagram

The demon dialogues emerge when a couple that has lost their sense of connectedness encounters a moment of stress or conflict.  When the partners feel disconnected from one another the normal stressors of marriage tend to get sidetracked by one of the three demon dialogues. However, when both partners in the marriage feel safely connected to one another managing the stress of parenting or financial concern can be navigated in a way that creates more connection.  The demon dialogues spin out of control leading to more stress, hurt feelings, and increased disconnection. Marriage Dialogue 1: Find the Bad Guy This dance occurs when both partners are stuck using attack as a way to protect ones self from feeling vulnerable, alone, or unsafe. Each partner blames the other for the problem because disconnection has made it unsafe to vulnerably acknowledge ones own responsibility in the situation. John blames the family's financial issues on Mary's irresponsible spending habits, while Mary blames John for not working hard enough to provide for the family. The pattern is cyclical in that the more one is blamed the more disconnected and unsafe they feel. The lack of safety puts each partner “on guard” for the attack of the other. A hypersensitive stance may cause the partners to see threat where there is none. This leads to more frequent attacks and ever increasing difficulty in resolving conflict. Marriage Dialogue 2: Protest Polka The most common pattern encountered in marriage counseling is the pursuer-distancer dynamic.  Susan Johnson calls it the protest polka. One partner protests against the growing disconnection in the marriage by pursuing the other. Many times this pursuit feels more like demanding or criticism to the partner causing them to withdraw. The more the distancer withdraws the more the pursuer criticizes or protests. The pursuer is looking for reassurance about questions such as “do you care about me?”, “do I matter to you?”, “am I important” while the distancer is attempting to protect ones self from feelings of inadequacy, not being good enough, and failure. Marriage Dialogue 3: Freeze and Flee The final dialogue is one of silence. Both partners hunker down in their respective fox holes and hope is nearly gone. The pursuer has no more energy to protest and therefore shuts down to protect ones self from hurt and loneliness. The distancer is finally enjoying some peace but remains disconnected as a way to protect against a sneak attack. Each partner has tried everything they know to fix the problem but nothing has worked. They feel frozen, stuck in a dance that brings deeper and deeper hurt; therefore they flee by either leaving the marriage or resigning themselves to a lonely loveless relationship. Restoring Connection: The solution to the three demon dialogues is connection. When couples feel safely connected to one another they are able to navigate stress and conflict in more flexible, vulnerable, and adaptive ways. Connection creates the secure sense that your partner will be there for you, will notice you, will respond to you, and is reliable for you no matter the circumstance. Restoration is possible even in the most difficult of situations. It takes incredibly hard work, it takes time, and it takes risk. Join the Facebook Group Here connectionsquincy.com Connections Family Counseling on Instagram

I often talk with parents who are concerned about video game addiction.  They tell me about the games their children play online, the amount of time spent, the disagreements, behavior change and struggles of navigating the new frontier of technology.   Video Game Addiction: Recent studies have raised concerns about the impact that online gaming has on adolescents.  Other studies have found links between social media use and adolescent depression.  In fact the world health organization (WHO) recently defined “gaming disorder”as an official disorder in the international classification of diseases (ICD-11). Gaming disorder is defined as “a pattern of gaming behavior characterized by impaired control over gaming increasing priority given to gaming over other activities to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, and continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences”.  Author Jean Twengehas described “Igen”, the current generation of highly connected students, as the most unprepared for adulthood in history.  Understandably parents are concerned and want to know “how much is OK”? Warning Signs: I often advise parents to respond but not overreact.  The WHO indicates that only a small percentage of those engaged in gaming reach the level of being addicted.  I encourage parents to observe their child and assess if they are showing any of the signs of addiction.   Does your child's participation in gaming take priority (for your child) over other important daily activities and has it continued to escalate despite negative consequences? Has your child's level of gaming caused significant impairment in several of the following areas: Personal, Family, Social, Educational, Occupational, Other important area Has the impairment been present for at least 12 months. Finding Balance: If you are concerned that you child spends too much time playing video games and may become addicted or is missing out on other experiences, I recommend establishing a balance between other activities and video gaming.  I challenged parents to set reasonable limits on the amount of time spent using screens.  Some parents allow for short periods of time each day after homework and other responsibilities are completed.  While other parents only allow screen time or game play on weekends.   No matter what you decide as a parent the most important factor for maintaining balance is consistency.  Children will push back and ask for more time or exceptions to be made but especially when starting out it is important to remain consistent. Parents can practice this by setting the limits with empathy and then engaging with their child in different activity that involves face to face interaction and is enjoyable for the whole family.   Join the Facebook Group Here connectionsquincy.com Connections Family Counseling on instagram

Hello, I am Dr. Mark Vander Ley welcome to The Connected Family Podcast.  This first episode provides you with an introduction to the host and purpose of the podcast.  I am a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor practicing in Quincy, Illinois.  I am the owner and founder of Connections Family Counseling, LLC a group counseling practice that helps build resilient kids, strong marriages, and connected families.  I am also a counselor educator and teach in a masters level counseling program helping others to become professional counselors.  The Connected Family Podcast is intended to extend the work of Connections Family Counseling by sharing resources, information, stories, and insights gained through personal and professional experiences.  I started Connections Family Counseling, LLC in February 2017 after many years of dreaming, praying, and hoping that someday I would have the chance to start a private practice. The opportunity arrived when I left my full time job to finish my Ph.d. in Counselor Education and Supervision. While serving as an adjunct faculty in a Master's level counseling program and working on my dissertation I began the process of opening a practice. I have since added three additional clinicians to my practice.  I focus on serving distressed marriages and adolescent males, while the colleagues in my practice focus on adolescent females, children, and marriages.  This podcast seeks to provide engaging and practical information that will help couples, individuals, and parents build deeper connections with those they love. I have also created a facebook group to continue the conversation regarding each episode topic.  Please join this community and add to the discussion.  Below you will find a link to join the group as well as where you can find us on social media.   Join the Facebook group here www.connectionsquincy.com Instagram