That's So Deep

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Making Decisions: Are You A Satisficer or a Maximizer? Some deep things we cover:What kind of decision makers are Phyllis and Julie?How does people pleasing factor into decision making?Decision Fatigue: This occurs when there are too many options and your brain can't quite process it all.Hard Choices vs. Big Choices: Not all big decisions are hard and not all small decisions are easy.  “On Par” Decisions:  Sometimes decisions are hard to make because what you're choosing between have equal pros and cons.  When Pros and Cons Fail to Help You Make a Decision…Try Ruth Chang's “A.U.T.H.O.R.” Hack:A - Ascertain what matters in the choiceU - Understand the pros and cons of the alternatives T - Tally up the pros and cons (these 3 steps lead you to agony so now you need more steps.)H - Home.  Settle into the fact that this is a hard choice.O - Open yourself up to the possibility of making a commitment to this choice. R - Remake or Realize yourself as someone who has committed. Make yourself into someone who has the most reason to make this choice.7. The worry of “Am I Making a Mistake?” can prevent us from making a decision: Getting in the “right” or “wrong” mindset can keep us stuck. 8. Who Can You Commit to Being? Might be a better question when making big life choices.9. Are You a Maximizer or a Satisficer? Do you evaluate and stress over every single detail of a decision or are you usually okay with a “good enough” decision?     Take-aways:Roasted Brussel Sprouts or Carrot Sticks: Sometimes decisions don't need to be that hard.  You don't have to roast brussel sprouts when a bag of carrot sticks will suffice. If you're a maximizer like Phyllis, practice satisficing.  Good enough is good enough!A.U.T.H.O.R. - Ask yourself who you can commit to being and then be the person who has the most reason to make that decision.  Be the author of your life choices! We want to have a conversation with you!There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps OR Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com Be sure to RATE and REVIEW if you liked this podcast.  You can also FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE.  If you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:How To Make A Hard Decision - Life KitWhy Is It Difficult to Make Decisions? | Psychology TodayDecision-Making | Psychology Today5 Steps for Overcoming IndecisionArmchair Expert

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Vulnerability - Part 2: Why Do We Armor Up? How Can We Show Up Authentically and Find Communities Where We Belong? (based on work by Brene Brown). Some deep things we cover:Fitting In vs. Belonging: When you fit in, you change yourself to enter the community.  When you belong, you show up as you are and are embraced by the community.Vulnerability in Parenting vs. Authoritarian Parenting: Phyllis is experimenting with parenting by being a human next to her kids by being vulnerable with boundaries.Phyllis wonders if the armor that she used as a child still serves her as an adult.Masculine and Feminine Norms: According to Brene Brown, a shame trigger for masculine norms is weakness and for feminine norms it is imperfection.How does perfection show up for Julie and Phyllis?Phyllis discusses how insecurity causes her to armor up.Julie discusses why she armors up when it comes to her partnership.Self Talk: Do you engage in guilt talk or shame talk?  Which one is better?A Mantra to Combat Imperfection: Brene Brown uses this one and Phyllis has adopted it too: “I don't want to be right.  I wanna get it right.”How do we create inclusive spaces so people can be a part of the conversation? Take-aways:What Armor Can We Do Away With That No Longer Serves Us?  Where Does Perfection Show Up in Our Lives? We want to have a conversation with you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps OR Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com Be sure to RATE and REVIEW if you liked this podcast.  You can also FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend.  If you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Vulnerable Definition & Meaning - Merriam-WebsterTaken for Granted: Brené Brown on What Vulnerability Isn't (transcript) | TEDBrené Brown on What Vulnerability Isn't - Taken for Granted | Podcast on Spotify

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Vulnerability - Part 1: What it is and What it isn't (based on work by Brene Brown) Some deep things we cover:TW: Phyllis and Julie share some raw thoughts and feelings after the school shooting in Uvalde.  Please take care of yourselves and skip the first 8 minutes of the podcast if you need some space to process. There is No Courage Without Vulnerability: Brene Brown defines “vulnerability” as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure.Vulnerability in the Workplace: Being invulnerable at work can hamper connection with coworkers and yet being overly vulnerable can hijack productivity.  Vulnerability can be appropriate in a work setting with the right boundaries.  Vulnerability Without Boundaries is Not Vulnerability.The Messy House: Sometimes when we are overwhelmed we are a bit like a messy house.  We overshare because we don't have a good grasp on our “stuff” so it can spill out onto people. The Mask: What is the mask we put on to protect ourselves instead of showing up as our authentic selves? You Don't Need to Cry to be VulnerableThe Color Spectrum of Authenticity: If we imagine ourselves as a color, showing up as our authentic selves can mean showing up in a different shade depending on the relationship and the moment.   Take-aways:Vulnerability = Sharing with Boundaries + Intention of ConnectionRemember that vulnerability is not emotional dumping or oversharing.  Before you share something personal figure out your intention.  Is what you're about to share something that will help build a stronger connection with your friend?  And is this relationship an appropriate one to share at this level of depth?   Connect with us!1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps OR Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comBe sure to RATE and REVIEW if you liked this podcast.  You can also FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend.  If you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:"Vulnerable"  - Merriam-WebsterTaken for Granted: Brené Brown on What Vulnerability Isn't (transcript) | TEDBrené Brown on What Vulnerability Isn't - Taken for GrantedWays to advance solutions to end gun violence: 1. Urge your senators to pass gun safety legislation now. Moms Demand Action has a form you can fill out and the message will go directly to a senator in your state.2. Donate to any of the following organizations: Moms Demand ActionEverytown for Gun Safety Brady Campaign

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about The Power of Music to Create Human Connection. Some deep things we cover:Phyllis and Julie share how music was such a joyful part of their upbringing.Phyllis and Julie love to dance! I see a virtual dance party in our future.Music is Ancient: It is embedded in so many cultures and has been with us since the beginning of time.Phyllis loves Encanto and Julie loves Moana: If you like these movies then we can be friends.  If you don't then we need to talk.Music is Amazing: It connects us to ourselves.  It connects us to others.  It's a universal language. It's infused in everything.  It helps you feel your feelings.  It's powerful. It's human.Take-aways:Let music be your medicine and companion.  If we are having trouble feeling our feelings, let's have music help us.  Instead of scrolling through our phones, let's find a song that can keep us company.We want to hear from you!  What is your relationship with music?  What was music like in your household growing up?  What are your favorite songs?  What songs resonate with you now?  What songs capture high and low moments in your life?  What are the stories behind those songs?  Tell us your stories:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps OR Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, be sure to RATE and REVIEW.  You can also FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend.  Click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieMusic and Artists we referenced in the episode:Original maori haka danceIn the streets of Kharkiv, Ukraine-2022  -  Bach Cello Suite no  5 in C minorAll Of You (From "Encanto"/Lyric Video)Norah Jones - Come Away With Me The Corrs - Runaway Jason Mraz - The RemedyIndia.Arie - Video Stevie Nicks - Edge of SeventeenThe Greatest Showman Cast - This Is Me Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova - Falling Slowly Sarah McLachlan - Angel Sara Bareilles - BraveLizzo - Good As Hell Ways to bring awareness and advance solutions to end gun violence: Wear Orange on June 3rd-5th and look for an event near you.Check out these organizations and see how you can get involved: Moms Demand ActionEverytown for Gun Safety Brady Campaign

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Love Languages: How to Love Our People by Speaking Their Language  (based on The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lastsby Dr. Gary Chapman).Some deep things we cover:What are the 5 Love Languages?  I'm glad you asked! 1) Acts of Service 2) Words of Affirmation 3) Gifts 4) Quality Time 5) TouchPhyllis and Julie Take the Love Languages Quiz: Find out the results!Are We Monolingual or Multilingual?  Can we speak more than one love language?  And do our love languages change depending on who we spend time with?Ruling Out Love Languages: Identify which ones you can live without and the last one standing is probably your primary love language.We Give Love the Way We Receive Love: How can we translate those love languages so we can feel loved and how can we love others the way they would like to be loved?Showing Love Sometimes Means Cleaning Up Cat Vomit: If your loved one's love language is acts of service, sometimes you need to suck it up and do the gross things that they can't quite tolerate. A Cultural Aspect: Phyllis didn't hear the words “I love you” growing up because it was not a part of her culture.  The “Frommers”: Learn what this term means in Phyllis' family and hear more about her kids' love languages.Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A children's book about what it means to love and be kind.Take-aways:Write down a few memories of a time you felt really loved by a loved one.  What category of love language does it fall into?  Chances are, this is one of your primary love languages.Take the Love Languages quiz here: The Love Language™ Quiz and then have a conversation about it with a loved one.  What would it look like to learn each other's love languages?We want to have a conversation with you!  Here's how to connect with us:1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on:  FB: @sodeeppeeps OR Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com Be sure to RATE and REVIEW if you liked this podcast.  You can also FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE.  Click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced:The 5 Love Languages - Book Smart Podcast Oprah and Dr. Gary Chapman: The Five Love Languages - Oprah's Super SoulDo you know the 5 love languages? The Love Language™ QuizHave You Filled a Bucket Today? - McCloud, Carol, Messing, David

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Loneliness: What Is It?  How Does It Feel?  And What Can I Do About It? Some deep things we cover:What is Loneliness? Mental health professionals define it as the gap between the level of connectedness that you want and what you have.  It turns out that loneliness is incredibly subjective.Loneliness is a Distress Signal: Just like hunger tells us we need food and thirst tells us we need water, loneliness tells us we need connection.We Often Don't Recognize That We Are Lonely: Loneliness is tricky to identify because we have these “weapons of mass distraction” called phones that help us numb out our need for connection.Work Centered Lives vs. People Centered Lives: Our world does not put people first.  It puts work first and we are lonelier and sicker than ever.  What would our world look like if we truly put people first?Tend and Befriend Instinct: It turns out that in times of distress, people often help one another.  Helping others is a great way to cure a lonely heart.Take-aways:Loneliness is Often Masked by Overwhelm, Boredom or Feeling Unsettled:  If you're scrolling through your phone aimlessly, chances are, you might be lonely.  What can you do to feel more connected?  What kind of connection are you wanting and how can you achieve that?Lend a Hand When You're Lonely: Find ways to volunteer or help out a friend when you're feeling lonely.  It turns out that helping someone else feel like they matter helps you feel like you matter.Find Common Ground: If you struggle to find ways to connect with your loved ones, lean hard into the things that you do connect on.  By leaning into the areas where you do connect, you are building the groundwork for deeper relationship. We want to have a conversation with you!There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps  OR Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:How to Know You're Lonely - How to Build a Happy Life | Podcast on SpotifyHow loneliness is damaging our healthTogether: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World - by Murthy MD, Vivek H

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Forgiveness: Why Forgive and Forget is NOT the Goal. Some deep things we cover:Apologies and Forgiveness are not a Gift Exchange: They are separate processes that happen for people on their own time.  They take work, time and patience.Forgiveness is the deliberate decision to release feelings of anger, resentment or vengeance.  Forgiveness is work that you do for yourself. It is a pathway to inner peace.Forgive and Forget is not Possible: This saying seems to again highlight our society's inability to process and integrate unpleasant emotions into our lives.  We need a new catchphrase!  Forgive and Integrate?  Forgive and Flourish?  Help!  Can Forgiveness Be Just as Compelling as Revenge on TV? We see it in soap operas, in reality TV shows, in movies…why is revenge so compelling?  Forgiveness can be sexy too!  Forgiveness = The New Revenge?Decision Based Forgiveness & Emotional Forgiveness: What is the difference?  What are We Really Asking for When We Ask for Forgiveness?  Apologizing and Forgiveness are Key Components of Healthy Relationship With Your Loved Ones: In a healthy relationship, we sometimes need to hold in tension our desire to reconnect and also give space for the other person's process to forgive.Take-aways:Forgiveness is not a destination.  It is a journey.Forgiveness is an internal pathway to peace.Sometimes when you ask for forgiveness, you may not get it.We want to have a conversation with you!There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps & Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:5 Ways to Forgive People (Even Those Who Don't Apologize) | Savvy PsychologistForgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - Mayo ClinicForgiveness | Psychology TodayWhat is Forgiveness? (+9 Science-Based Benefits)What Really Feels Better, Forgiveness Or Revenge? New Research Has An AnswerWhich Is More Empowering, Forgiveness or Revenge? | Psychology TodayOprah Winfrey: FORGIVENESS - Oprah's Super Soul | Podcast on Spotify 

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Fake Apologies vs. True Apologies: What's the Difference? Some deep things we cover:Fake Apologies: Conditional apologies, blanket apologies, silencing apologies…we've heard them all and done them all.True Apologies (according to Dr. Harriet Lerner): Do not include the word "but". Keep the focus on your actions and not on the other person's responseDon't overdo. Don't get caught up in who's more to blame or who is right or wrong. Do not serve to silence someone. Apologies are the Beginning of Conversations…not the End.Apologizing to Your Children Builds Connection.Take-aways:Separate an Apology from Raising an Issue: If you're going to raise an issue, then raise an issue.  That's okay.  If you are going to apologize, then apologize and mean it.  Separate the two.  These are two different conversations.Apologize When You Feel Remorse and Make it Specific: This is where “fake it ‘till  you make it” is not a great plan.  If you don't feel remorse then you have some work to do before you apologize.  Apologies are a Gift to the Other Person and to Yourself:  When you give a gift, you need to do some work to prepare it.  Don't just throw it in a used grocery bag and toss it to the other person.  Take the time to do the emotional work necessary to really prepare the gift for yourself and for the other party.  Your relationship will be better for it.We want to have a conversation with you!There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps  OR Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Harriet Lerner and Brené - I'm Sorry: How To Apologize & Why It Matters, Part 1 of 2 - Unlocking Us with Brené Brown13 Fake Apologies Used By Narcissists | Psychology TodayWhy Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts: Lerner PhD, HarrietOut of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will: Tsabary, Dr. Shefali

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. We discuss topics that help us connect more deeply with ourselves and with those we care about because we believe that connection is the antidote to a lonely heart.  Today we are talking about Toxic Positivity (based on the work by Susan David in Emotional Agility). Some deep things we cover:The “Everything Happens for a Reason” Mantra: In an effort to make people feel better with phrases like this one, we actually make people feel worse by trivializing their pain.Myths and Truths about Unpleasant Emotions:Myth: Unpleasant Emotions are Something to “Get Over.”  If you're not happy then you're doing it wrong. Unpleasant emotions are an obstacle to perpetual joy. Truth: Unpleasant Emotions Contain Beacons of Meaning. We are hardwired to feel unpleasant emotions.  It is 100% human.  Unpleasant emotions point us towards what we value most.“Emotions are Information.  They are NOT Directives.” - Susan David: Emotions don't own you.  You own them.  Ditch Bottling and Brooding.  Embrace CURIOSITY. Getting curious is a healthy way to interact with your feelings.  There is rich learning to be had when you ask why. Take-aways:Hold up there, Little Miss Sunshine: Allow space for folks who are feeling it without jumping in with our toxically positive statements.  Be a good listener. Feel It All but You ARE NOT the Feeling: Remember that emotions are information, not directives.  You are in control and the feelings can help guide you. Get Down to the Granular Level: The more specific you are, the more information you get about what you care about.  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Connect with us!1. Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook2. LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps Instagram @thatssodeeppod3. Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-08844. Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.com If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:What Is Toxic Positivity?'Toxic Positivity' Is Real — and It's a Big Problem During the PandemicThe Dangers of Toxic Positivity, Part 1 of 2 - Brené BrownSusan David: The gift and power of emotional courage | TED TalkWhen The Body Says No – Chapter One - Dr. Gabor MatéInside Out (2015 film) - Wikipedia

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about What We Can Learn From Our Regrets.Some deep things we cover:Reclaiming Regret: We are joining author Daniel Pink in reclaiming regret as a useful emotion for our humanity.The Beautiful and Ephemeral Quality of Life: Regrets can be painful because there are moments that we cannot get back once they are gone.Phyllis & Julie Get Deep About Their Regrets: We talk about some of our regrets and how these regrets speak to what we value now.Abandoning Our Sisterhood for Bad Romance: We explore the messages that have reinforced the lie that our value lies in the eyes of men instead of in our own hands.We Discuss the 4 Types of Regret from Daniel Pink's Book The Power of Regret: a) Foundation regret b) Boldness regret c) Moral regret d) Connection regret When We Crack Open Our Regrets We Uncover Meaning: Could it be that in exploring our regrets, we find what we value most in life?Take-aways:Don't be afraid of regret. Understand that it is a feeling that has evolved with humanity that is supposed to point us toward the most important things in our lives.Look within the regret and find the meaning it is pointing you towards.  What do you value now more than ever because of a regret in your life?   We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on Facebook: @sodeeppeeps & Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Daniel H. Pink: 4 kinds of regret -- and what they teach you about yourself | TED TalkThe Power of Regret - Brené BrownREGRET: What if we'd done things differently? - We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle | Podcast on SpotifyTop five regrets of the dying | Death and dying | The GuardianKathryn Schulz: Don't regret regret | TED TalkRegrets, I Have A Few | Hidden Brain : NPR

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are celebrating our 20th episode with 20 Questions with Phyllis and Julie!  We hope you enjoy it and get to know us a little better :) Find out:What subjects Phyllis and Julie were bad at in school.What Phyllis and Julie find hard that most people find easy.What Julie's pets would sound like if they could talk.What Phyllis and Julie think are essential for a long term relationship.Whether or not Phyllis and Julie think aliens exist.And much more! Take-aways:No real takeaways!  We just hope you enjoyed this conversation and maybe try some of these questions with some of your friends or acquaintances to take the conversation deeper.  Let us know if there are other questions you have for us that we didn't answer.  We would love to hear from you and we will address your questions in upcoming podcasts! We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Awkward Silence

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today's episode is titled Feedback: It's Everywhere…So Why Do We Get it Wrong?Some deep things we cover:Feedback is Life: Understanding feedback helps us grow and connect to each other.First Understand Feedback: Don't take feedback at face value.  Before reacting to feedback, ask questions.  Three Categories of Feedback: Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation.Cross Transactions: When we are asking for one type of feedback and we get another type it creates conflict and disconnection.Human Intelligence is Organized Around Stories: Computers manage and access data but human intelligence is organized around stories.  Beware: we often think our interpretation of data is the data itself.Feedback is a Two-Way Street: Even if you package it well, it can be received poorly.Phyllis' Jekyll and Hyde Way of Giving Feedback: Phyllis unpacks how she tried to use appreciation to compensate for her hypercritical feedback.Pushing vs. Pulling: Pushing happens from the feedback giver and may not create the change desired in the feedback receiver.  Pulling happens from within the feedback receiver and that is where the real change happens.Honest Mirrors and Supportive Mirrors: We need both types of friends who reflect the truth but also provide us with the support we need to change.Take-aways:Take a Mirror Inventory: List the supportive mirrors and the honest mirrors in your life.  We need both types of people to help us grow.Ask For What You Need: Use the 3 categories of appreciation, coaching and evaluation to ask for what we need when we are wanting feedback.  Delay Judgment and Get Curious: Ask clarifying questions about the feedback you're receiving so you can properly understand the story that the feedback giver is giving you.  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps  Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, ThereseThanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, SheilaThe Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on SpotifyDr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist)

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Unsolicited Advice Part 2: What Motivates Us to Give Advice? Some deep things we cover:We are a Helpful Species: We made it this far because people know how to work together and collaborate.  Advice can be a way that people try to help.But Sometimes We Can Be Unhelpful (oops!): There are times when we give advice out of our own neediness and our own powerlessness.  We may not feel like we have control or agency in our own lives so we give advice to feel a sense of power or emotional validation.Let Me Give You Advice to Make You Stop Talking: Sometimes friends ruminate on a problem and we give advice in hopes of stopping the flow of complaints.  We discuss a more direct approach that may be worth a try.Being Teacher All the Time: There are folks who want to be teacher ALL THE TIME.  It can be excruciating.  We share some thoughts on how to try to view them with compassion and also let them know that you don't need their advice. Take-aways:Relationship Balance: Ask yourself if your go-to people can also go to you and vice versa.  Are there people who come to you but you can't go to them?  How does it make you feel in these relationships?  How do these relationships work for you?  If they don't work for you, what needs to shift?Check Your Motivations Before/During/After Giving Advice: Find friends who can help you grow in these areas.  If you find yourself spouting advice because your life is a bit chaotic and you're feeling needy…acknowledge that, apologize and ask for help.  You can check your motivations at any point in the process.Have Faith in People: Trust that others are on their journeys and they don't need you to advise them every step of the way.  Try encouragement in lieu of advice.  You may find it might just yield better results. We want to have a conversation with you!  Here's how to connect with us: Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on:  Facebook @sodeeppeeps Instagram @thatssodeeppodText us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced:Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, ThereseThanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, SheilaThe Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on SpotifyTypes of Unsolicited Advice That Cause StressHow to Handle Unwanted Advice by Setting Boundaries

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Unsolicited Advice: The Thing We Love to Give And Hate to Receive. Some deep things we cover:How do you feel when people give you unsolicited advice?Relationship Triggers: Sometimes you can't take advice simply because of the relationship you have with the person who is giving the advice even if the advice is sound.Three Categories of Feedback: Appreciation, Coaching and Evaluation.Love and Belonging VS. Growth: Sometimes these can be opposing forces inside our hearts and minds.All Advice is Autobiographical: We inevitably give advice to others through the lens of our own lives.  It is unavoidable.We see you New Moms!  People are talking at you all day everyday but we want you to know that you're killing it!Being a Friend to Our Friend's Who are Stuck in a Bad Relationship: We talk about how tricky it is to speak truth, hold space and keep boundaries so we can help catch our friends when they are ready. Take-aways:To the Advice Giver:Remember that all advice is autobiographical.  You are approaching your friends from your lens and your life experiences and attempting to speak into their lives.  Try a more curious approach and try to understand their lens before jumping in. To the Advice Receiver: Before sharing, think about what you need: When you share with a friend, you can sometimes open yourself up for advice even if what you need is just to process your feelings.  Try to figure out what you need before sharing so that you can ask for what you need and your friend can be a better friend to you.Surround yourself with loving and encouraging people: Good friends encourage, support and speak truth.  Find those people and spend as much time as you can with them so that you can become the best you that you can be.***We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comJoin our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook @sodeeppeepsInstagram @thatssodeeppod If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Let's Talk: Make Effective Feedback Your Superpower: Huston, ThereseThanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well: Stone, Douglas, Heen, SheilaThe Essentials: Giving Feedback - Women at Work | Podcast on Spotify

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Complaining: Why do we do it?  And does it really make us feel better?Some deep things we cover:Complaining is Contagious: We all do it.  Three Types of Complaining: We discuss the difference between venting, problem solving, and ruminatingChecking in with the “Complaint Receiver”: You often need to complain TO someone BUT are they in a head space to receive your complaining?What is the difference between healthy venting vs. emotional dumping?“I need to process this”: a way to shift your complaining into problem solving.It's not you it's me: Our complaints are often about us and our triggers and not about others.F Bombs in Journals: Phyllis shares how she emotionally dumps into a journal and how that helps her.Take-aways:When you find yourself wanting to complain to someone, first figure out what you need.  Do you need to emotionally dump?  Do you need appreciation?  Do you need to vent?  Do you need to figure out why something is bothering you?  Before you complain, check in with the person who you are complaining to.  See if they are in a head space to receive your complaint.  If they are, then ask for what you need.  If they are not, consider journaling or going for a walk.  In general, the most healthful and helpful way to “complain” is to problem solve or "process."Pay attention to how often you complain.  Pay attention to who you complain to.  Pay attention to if the conversations you are having are “complaint heavy” and if so, think about why and how you might have different conversations. We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Text us or leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comJoin our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on: Facebook: @sodeeppeeps Instagram @thatssodeeppod If you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Go Ahead and Complain. It Might Be Good for You. - The New York TimesThe Difference Between Venting and Dumping | Psychology TodayComplaining, for Your Health - The AtlanticDoes Complaining Damage Our Mental Health? | Psychology TodayIs Complaining Good or Bad For You?

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about Finding Your Inner Mentor (Based on the work from Playing Big by Tara Mohr). Some deep things we cover:The Inner Critic is not the only voice inside of you.  There is a wiser and gentler voice and that is the voice of the Inner Mentor.The Role of Imagination in Empowerment: You CAN become what you haven't seen in the outside world.  You just need to see it in your inside world.Outer Mentors and Inner Mentors: Society has no problem telling women that their own voices are not enough.  We have been trained to seek outside sources for the answers when the truest, most perfect answers are within each of us.  Take-aways:Carve out 30-45 minutes to visualize your Inner Mentor.  Choose one of the meditations in the resources below.  Find a quiet space, take a deep breath and begin.  If you find your mind wandering or if you fall asleep, that's okay, you're just tired.  Try again another day.  You can prep yourself by taking a warm bath.  Pour yourself a mug of warm tea.  Do what you need to help you relax.  Things to keep in mind from Playing Big:Explore and pay attention to symbols that come up.Don't take the vision too literally.  If the vision shows that you are pregnant, it may not mean literally.  It may just mean opportunity or abundance lie ahead.Keep your inner mentor to yourself…at least for a while...it is precious and yours.Post visualization journaling questions from Playing Big:Write about any images, feelings & words that came to mind as you visualized.What was her true name?  Look up the origin, root & meaning.What was her presence like?What did she look like?What was her home like?What was her parting gift to you?  Take some time to journal and answer these questions.  Now that you know what your Inner Mentor looks like, allow this more fully expressed, authentic version of yourself to pull you forward into who you will become.We want to have a conversation with you! There are many ways to connect with us.  Here are some of them:Join our That's So Deep Community Group on Facebook.LIKE and FOLLOW us on Facebook: @sodeeppeeps LIKE and FOLLOW us on Instagram @thatssodeeppodLeave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Supplemental Exercises & Tips for Playing Big by Tara MohrA Future Self Guided Visualization - Meet Your Inner MentorPlaying Big, Tara Mohr's Women's Self-Development BookSimplify: Ken Page: Meet Your Inner MentorLean In Book

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about What Your Inner Critic Sounds Like and How to Get it to Shut Up (Based on the work from Playing Big by Tara Mohr).Some deep things we cover:Inner Critics are like buttholes.  We've all got one!Inner Critics are the Risk Aversion Department of your brain.Inner Critics are more concerned with safety than truth: They'll tell you anything to keep you safe from emotional risk.What does the Inner Critic sound like?Harsh, rude and mean.Binary: Black and white thinking. No gray area.Sexist Body CriticalA Broken RecordAn Outer Critic that you have internalized: a parent, a sibling, a coach etc.If your inner critic is getting hysterical, it may mean that you're on the edge of a breakthrough.  Keep going!Take-aways:Now that we know what the Inner Critic sounds like, what are some ways we can get it to quiet down?  Here are some tips from Tara Mohr's book Playing Big: Name and describe your critic:  Take a minute to breathe and journal.  Give your critic a name and identify their personality traits.  What are their features?  What kind of car do they drive?  What does their voice sound like?  How do they take their coffee in the morning?Take the “I” out of the inner critic and talk about them in the 3rd person:  Instead of saying “I'm freaking out!” try “my inner critic is freaking out right now!”  The inner critic is “a” voice but it is not “the” voice.  Ways to Minimize the Inner Critic's voice:Physically walk out of the room when your critic starts talking.Locate the voice in your body and imagine it receding into space.Pantomime putting all the criticisms in a box and moving it out of the room.Imagine a volume dial in your mind and see yourself turn the volume down. We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Playing Big, Tara Mohr's Women's Self-Development BookShadow Work: Benefits, How To, Practices, & Dangers The Goop Podcast - How to Defeat Your Inner CriticThe Science of Happiness: Episode 2: Quieting Your Inner Critic

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time. Today we are talking about the Growth Mindset.Some deep things we cover:Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset: What is the difference?Neuroplasticity: Your brain has the ability to change and grow new neural pathways!Watch Out For Overgeneralizations: I am terrible at math!  I suck at sports!  We've all said things like this to ourselves.  These overgeneralizations assume that we are innately bad at something and hinders growth.The Power of Yet: Adding yet to the end of the sentence is a tried and true trick used by growth minded educators everywhere - “I can't do that…yet.”Process Phrasing vs. Noun Phrasing: Instead of “You're so smart!” try this “I can tell you've spent a lot of time learning about this subject.”Acknowledge and appreciate how far you have come: Don't compare yourself to others.  Instead, think about where you started and give yourself credit for how far you've come and all the progress you've made.Take-aways:The Journey to a True Growth Mindset:Identify the areas where you have a fixed mindset: The first step is to get out of denial and get comfortable with confession.  It's okay.  We're all a mixture of both fixed and growth mindsets.Identify when your fixed mindset is triggered: When you feel that pit in your stomach or the lump in your throat and the negative self-talk starts…it's a sure sign that your fixed mindset is showing up.Name your fixed mindset persona: Whether it is Bossy Betty or Freaked Out Phil, we all have a fixed mindset persona that shows up. Naming her/him helps us create a little separation so we can address that inner critic and start to minimize her voice.Take your persona along for the journey of growth: Okay, Freaked Out Phil, you're coming with me!  Thank your persona for her feedback and tell her that you're on the path towards growth so hop on or get off the train!  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Carol S. Dweck: Books, Biography, Blog, Audiobooks, KindleCarol Dweck || The Latest Science of Growth Mindset - The Psychology Podcast | Podcast on SpotifyThe Happiness Lab: How to Adopt a Growth MindsetThe Trouble With Bright Girls | Psychology Today

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the third episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are closing out our series with Core Values and Gratitude.Some deep things we cover and some take-aways:Values Lists: Find a list of values and journal about which ones resonate with you.Highlights and Lowlights: Think about the highlights (values expressed) and lowlights (values suppressed) in your life and see if you can identify any core values in there.People You Admire: Who do you admire and what values are they expressing?  What is it about them that draws you in? Big dreams: Who do you want to become and how will your values get you there?Put On Your “Perspectacles”: Make the ordinary extraordinary by shifting your perspective.Be Grateful for SPECIFIC things: They can be big or small but be thankful for the specific and see how it changes your mood and your outlook on life.We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Dare to Lead List of Values - Brené BrownTake the Upgrade: 26 - Identifying Your Core Values as in Brene Brown's Dare to Lead and Listener Q&AGlennon Doyle wants you to stop being grateful, thank you very much Give Me Gratitude or Give Me Debt | MomasteryPersonal Values Assessment5 Core Values Quizzes to Identify What's Important to YouEpisode 44: Gratitude with Omar Brownson | Simon Sinek

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second episode in a series where we explore Our Complicated Relationship To Our Stuff.  Today we are talking about Why We Still Want More Even Though We Already Have Too Much. Some deep things we cover:Blame it on Evolution: Humans have a scarcity impulse and we are wired for survival.Buying Feels Good: Keep the dopamine hits coming!  Buying stuff lights up the pleasure centers in our brains and we can't get enough.We Feel Special: Our inner treasure hunter feels validated when we find an item that no one else has.We Seek Novelty: We get bored and often want something new to keep our lives interesting.We Are Vulnerable to Advertisers: Advertisers exploit our insecurities and know how to use products to make us feel inadequate and keep us wanting more.The Target Effect: You know how it is.  You go into Target for some batteries and come out with a new pair of shoes and some sunglasses.Control Restoring Activities: Instead of buying something to cheer ourselves up, what alternate activities could we choose to restore control and improve our mood?How Touch Impacts Our Buying: Look with your eyes, people, not with your hands!What is the relationship between Bargain Shopping and Being Frugal?  We unpack how these two behaviors are NOT one and the same. Take-aways:1. Understand the Deeper Why Of Your Buying Habits: Do you have a strong scarcity impulse?Are you a dopamine fiend?  Does the rush of a purchase feel good?Do you like the feeling of winning?Do you buy because you feel sad?Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out if your purchasing habits help you get more of what you want in your life.   2. Try to Self Regulate. Before you make a purchase, ask yourself 2 questions:Do I need this item?Will I use it in the long run?3. You don't have to do this alone!  Grab a friend and listen to our podcast together.  Discuss, connect and grow together and then tell us all about it.  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Want Stuff? Why We Are Driven to Buy More | Psychology TodayThe Psychology of Bargain Shopping | PYMNTS.comOld Spice | The Man Your Man Could Smell LikeWhy does shopping feel so good? - BBC WorklifeFrugal Definition & Meaning - Merriam-WebsterExtravagant Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is a first in a series where we explore our complicated relationship to our stuff.  Today we are talking about why we hold on to stuff and why it is so hard to let it go. Some deep things we cover:Our Stuff Represents Memories: A loved one passing, a childhood memory, a time when you were happy.Our Stuff Represents A Past Identity or a Future Self: Someone you once were or someone you hope to be.Love Language of Gift Giving: Buying things for people is how you show and receive love. If you don't accept or keep the gifts then it shows disrespect and lack of gratitude.Culture of Consumption: We are immersed in stuff and it is hard to avoid.Money and Time: It is hard to face the money and time wasted on the things we bought.Regret and Failure: Each time we see an item we no longer use, we see our own failures and poor decision making.Not Wanting To Be Wasteful: Sometimes the things we have are perfectly usable even if they have been sitting on a shelf for 7 years so it feels wasteful to get rid of them.Decision Fatigue and Overwhelm: Our ability to make good decisions can deteriorate over time because there is just so much to sift through.  It is easier to just shove items back in the closet than to continue. Take-aways:Understand the Deeper WHY: We aren't asking you to get rid of the items that you are holding on to but we are asking you to ask the deeper why.  Why are you holding on to these things?  Are you holding on to a past identity? Do the items represent a fantasy self or a future self?  Do your things hold your hopes and dreams?  Are you not wanting to be wasteful?  Is it hard for you to face the time and money that you have spent on these items and you can't quite stomach the failure?  Understanding the deeper why is the first step in figuring out how to let things go.  Once you understand the deeper why, then you can begin asking yourself if holding on to these things align with your Core Values.  If the items don't fit into the life you are wanting to create for yourself, then maybe it is time to graciously let them go and make space for the abundance that awaits you. We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/Mari Kondo: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing (The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up) Maxwell Ryan: Apartment Therapy - Sample

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are CALLING ALL CONTROL FREAKS! Some deep things we cover:What is the relationship between uncertainty and control?What makes control freaks so freaky?  The answer: anxietyPrimary Control and Secondary Control:  Do you try to change the world to fit yourself or do you try to change yourself to fit the world?How does our control make the people in our lives feel?  It makes them feel like we don't trust them.  And if we can't trust then how can we truly love?Control vs. Surrender: AKA print out the Serenity Prayer, tape it on your mirror and recite it EVERY. DAMN. DAY.  (See resources below)Take-aways:Wait out the stress cycle instead of jumping in to control someone's actions.  Try some of the tips on the Distress Tolerance Skills worksheet to help you get through it.Remember that you have your own Thoughts, Feelings, Actions loop.  Allow others to have their own loop and allow people to go through their own process.Make a Borrowed Rules list.  Do you still follow the rules you were taught?  Which rules continue to be worth following and which ones don't?We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Distress Tolerance Skills5 Ways to Stop Being a Control Freak | Savvy PsychologistControl Freaks — Kelly Hanlin McCormickSerenity Prayer Printable - Hungry Happy Home

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are: DECONSTRUCTING NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS! Some deep things we cover:Life is hard enough!  Let's not make it harder with well intentioned but unrealistic resolutions!  Phyllis and Julie share some thoughts on reimagining the new year and setting us up for success. Go with the natural rhythms of life: Don't go jogging in the snow if you live in the Midwest!  Maybe it's time to hibernate and reflect.Identifying our CORE VALUES and how they align with our goals.Types of Resolutions: 1) Results  2) Habits  3) Holistic 4) CessationAbundance Mindset vs. Scarcity Mindset: How to let go of things to make space for what matters to us most.Fresh Start Effect: It's okay to restart as many times as you need.Set Mini Goals: Focus on the next step, not the whole mountain!Tweak your goals until you're excited: Make it fun!Threat goals vs. Challenge goals: Phyllis shares some stories about her demotivational parenting threats.Accountability: Write your goals down or sign a social contract with a friend.  Scary but effective!Take-aways:This week, let's figure out our CORE VALUES and align them with our intentions and goals.  Time to bust out the journal or go for a reflective walk!Reflect upon times you felt the most joyful, alive and present.  What were you doing?  What do you think was the core value?Make a list of the things you value most (core values).Make some mini goals or intentions for yourself this year. Cross check with your core values.  See if they align.  If they do, great!  If they don't, toss ‘em! Tweak your goals until they feel exciting and fun!  Revisit and restart as many times as you need! We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:004 SP Why Your New Year's Resolutions Fail (and How You Can Change the Pattern) - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health 276 - 4 Psychology Hacks to Help You Stick to Your Goals - The Savvy Psychologist's Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Mental Health Simply and Fiercely: https://www.simplyfiercely.com/blog/

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  Today we are having a conversation about HAVING A CONVERSATION!Some deep things we cover:Interrupting means:You DON'T care: Interruptions can mean poor listening and show lack of care.You DO care: In certain cultures, interruptions and overlap can show engagement and that you do care about the conversation and relationship.Monologuing - When people talk AT you instead of talk TO you, it can leave you feeling used, upset and lonely.Talk Time Awareness: Are you aware of how much you are talking compared to how much the other person is talking?Mutual Curiosity: You can only build deeper bonds with people if there is MUTUAL curiosity and interest in one another.Check-ins and Rewinds: If you find yourself talking a lot, you can always check-in and rewind.  Let your friend know you feel self conscious about talking too much and see if you can bring the focus back on them.Generosity: Sometimes Phyllis' mind is like a “disorganized house” and she finds she can be more generous in conversation when her house is in order.Small Talk SUCKS! Let's stop talking about the weather and start talking about our favorite smells! Conversations are the little knots that build the bridge of relationship: Relationships take patience and are built one conversation at a time.  TMI: When is sharing too much just too much? If you experience what Brene Brown calls the “vulnerability hangover” then it is a sure sign that you have shared too much.Take-aways:Try having ONE good conversation with ONE person this week.  Practice the following: Ask good questionsGet curiousBring awareness to your talk timeTry not to make the conversation about yourselfTry a wacky conversation starter: Free Gift — Awkward SilenceWe want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Love, Phyllis & JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:Glennon Doyle: We Can Do Hard Things Episode 22 | Momastery : Real Talk: How can we begin to use conversation as a key to unlocking each other?Steven Benbow: 20 Benefits of Conversation — Awkward SilenceAdam Grant: Adam Grant StatusDr. Ellen Hendrickson: How to Deal With Loneliness“vulnerability hangover” - Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | TED Talk

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  In this episode, we talk about CONFLICT.  There was a lot that we covered in this episode so the list is longer than usual.  Hope you come away with some take-aways!Some deep things we cover:Phyllis sees conflict as an opportunity for connection and understanding yourself.Julie is a lover not a biter: Julie talks about how she would respond when her younger sister would bite her.Responding vs. Reacting: What is the difference?Reconciliation: What does it mean to reconcile with a person?Four Types of Conflict: Aggressive, Passive, Passive Aggressive and Assertive.  Which type are you?  Which type should we aspire to?Timing is everything: Phyllis shares how her anxiety can hijack the timing of a conflict.Apologies are the key to reconnecting.Conflict is a skill: You can practice and get better at it.Unified Detachment: Shifting our perspective from oppositional to collaborative.Soft Feelings vs. Hard Feelings: Which ones do bring into a conflict?  Take-aways:Unified Detachment: Start with a shared goal.  When you are in a conflict, instead of seeing the conflict as something that is coming between you and your person, think about being on the same team and tackling it together.Listen to Understand: Instead of preparing your own remarks, soften your heart and set your thoughts aside momentarily.  Be present for your person.  Try to listen to understand what they are trying to convey to you.  Choose Words that are Worthy of the Light of Day: It's hard to filter when you are in the heat of the moment but take the time to find words that communicate your feelings but also honor the relationship.  It's hard to un-say words once they are said.  We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it! Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, FOLLOW US, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming,Phyllis and JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:How to Stop Avoiding Conflict | Savvy PsychologistUnified Detachment: UNHEALTHY CONFLICT VS. HEALTHY CONFLICTReconciliation Definition & Meaning - Merriam-WebsterWe Can Do Hard Things Episode 07 - FIGHTING WELLArmored Versus Daring Leadership - Brené BrownFierce Conversations by Susan Scott

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  This is the second of a two part episode on BOUNDARIES and PEOPLE PLEASING.  If you missed the first episode on BOUNDARIES, feel free to go back and listen to it.  In today's episode, we tackle the topic of PEOPLE PLEASING.  Some deep things we cover:What is People Pleasing? - Phyllis and Julie discuss whether or not they are people pleasers.  Any guesses? Back Talk vs. Self Advocacy - How Phyllis allows her kids to negotiate with her and sometimes has flexible boundaries.Being honest vs. making excuses - Why do we do that?  Phyllis and Julie go through 10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser (Psychology Today) - See if you relate!  Find out which mannerism Julie has picked up from Phyllis :) False Choice - Dry hamburger or refreshing sushi?  How false choice sets us up to become people pleasers.Borrowed Beliefs - Uncovering how much of our childhood and adulthood is about pleasing our parents and learning how to find out who we are and what we want as humans. Take-aways:Beliefs List - Take a piece of paper and divide it into 3 columns.  In the first column, write down BORROWED BELIEFS.  In the second column write down DEVELOPING BELIEFS. And in the third, write down ACTUAL BELIEFS.  Take a moment to think about the beliefs you were raised with and write them down in the first column.  Now, think about your actual beliefs that you hold true for yourself and write them down in the third column.  And for any beliefs that are still evolving, write those down in the second column.  What did you learn about yourself while doing this exercise?  Were there any surprises?  Call us or write to us and let us know! We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, you can FOLLOW, SUBSCRIBE or SHARE with a friend and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and can't wait for our next deep conversation!Yours in Becoming, Phyllis and JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:People pleaser Definition & Meaning from Merriam Webster.“Thank you for waiting” vs. “I'm sorry I'm late”: We pulled this idea from Kristen Bell and Monica Padman's podcast called We Are Supported By.  Disappointing ourselves or disappointing others: Glennon Doyle has very developed and thoughtful ideas surrounding disappointment.  You can hear more of her thoughts on her podcast We Can Do Hard Things.10 Signs You're a People-Pleaser: This is the article from Psychology Today that we were referencing.

Hello So Deep Peeps!  Welcome to That's So Deep.  This is the podcast where we try to root out loneliness one conversation at a time.  In this episode, we tackle the topic of BOUNDARIES.  This is the first of a two part episode so stay tuned for our next episode where we talk about BOUNDARIES and PEOPLE PLEASING!  Some deep things we cover:Where did Phyllis and Julie first learn about boundaries and personal space? Julie discusses what it was like growing up in a big family and sharing one bathroom.  Phyllis shares some cultural values of growing up with parents who immigrated from Hong Kong.How do Phyllis and Julie define boundaries?  What is a “one-sided friendship”?  And how do boundaries come into play?  Phyllis comes to the defense of nurturers.  Why it is hard to have boundaries when you're a nurturing person.What are our non-negotiable boundaries?  Phyllis discusses what a non-negotiable boundary looks like surrounding conversation about her daughter's body. Take-aways:Think about what your “non-negotiable” boundaries are and write them down.  Why are these your non-negotiables?Think about what your more “flexible” boundaries are and write them down.  Why are you willing to be more flexible surrounding these boundaries? We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and can't wait for our next deep conversation!Love,Phyllis and JulieResources and articles we referenced in the episode:10 Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries by Nicole Arzt, LMFT

Hello So Deep Peeps!  And welcome to Part 2 of SELF CARE.  In this episode, we go one layer deeper and begin to explore the reason behind our need for self care.  Some deep things we cover:Why do we need self care to begin with? Phyllis and Julie unpack the concepts of  “mental load” and “invisible labor”. Why do we so often choose efficiency over community? When we make our work look effortless, it erases our labor: How can we make the invisible labor visible to our partners and our family in a constructive way?Do the same dynamics pop up in a same sex marriage?  Julie shares her experience with her partner Amy.Is it meal planning or is it nutritional management? Phyllis takes a deep dive into her children's preferences for how they like their broccoli prepared.Self Care and Privilege: Is self care only afforded to those who can afford it?We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode releases.  We love you and we can't wait for our next deep conversation!Love,Phyllis and JulieThings we referenced in the episode:Octonauts - The Midnight Zone | Full Episodes | Cartoons for Kids: My kids love this show and this particular episode references the midnight zone.You should've asked by Emma is an excellent comic that helps explain the “mental load.”  What Is The Mental Load? Women's Invisible LaborStop Calling Women Nags — How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender EqualityThe term “emotional labor” was first coined by sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild in her book The Managed Heart by Arlie Russell Hochschild - PaperbackThe Tyranny and Misogyny of Meal Planning - by Virginia Sole-Smith - Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-SmithDude Perfect: My kids love this show with these 5 fun-loving friends who do trick shots and engage in all sorts of silliness.  

In this episode, Phyllis and Julie discuss the topic of SELF CARE.  We thought this topic deserved more than one episode so this is Part 1.  Next week, we will continue our conversation on self care but with a different twist. **TW: Julie talks briefly about the passing of a pet in this episode.  Take care of yourself if you have experienced this recently and are not ready to hear this episode.** Some deep things we cover:Phyllis' love/hate relationship with the term “self care”: Just add it to the list of things I am failing at...sigh.How “self care” has become about our “outsides” and not our “insides” Self Care looks different for everyone and changes from season to seasonHealthy Habits: Could this be the rebrand of self care?We love you.  We see you.  You matter.  Period.We want to have a conversation with you!The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate and encourage deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Voicemail: 805-288-0884Email: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comIf you liked this podcast, give us a LIKE or a SHARE and if you don't want to miss an episode, click that BELL so you can be notified right away when the next episode drops.  We love you and can't wait for our next deep conversation!Love,Phyllis and JulieThings we referenced in the episode:Fitbit: We would seriously love for you to sponsor us, Fitbit :)21 days to form a habit...Myth Busted! We mentioned this in the podcast but then fact checked ourselves.  The long and short of it is that it takes 21 days “minimum” to form a habit and most people conveniently drop that “minimum” part...as did we!  To learn more, link to this article from Refinery 29: https://www.refinery29.com/en-us/2020/01/9183127/21-day-rule-form-a-habit-in-21-days

In this episode, Phyllis and Julie discuss the topic of FRIENDSHIP!  It's a big topic so we don't cover everything but we do get to some deep things.  SOME DEEP STUFF WE DISCUSS:Holding space for friends: What does that mean?  How do we do it?Advice giving: When is it appropriate?  Is it ever appropriate?The Upstairs and Downstairs part of the brain: How to be a good friend by bringing your friend a blanket when they're stuck in the basement of their brains.People are sparkly disco balls: How social media can fool us into thinking we are seeing “whole” people.WE WANT TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU:The whole point of this podcast is to facilitate deeper conversations and we want to hear from you!  Please leave us messages, art, poetry, feedback, insights, vents, questions, possible topics...all of it!  Here is how you can reach us:Leave us a voicemail: 805-288-0884Email us: sodeeppeeps@gmail.comWe would love to hear from you!  Thank you so much for spending time with us.  We are grateful for you.  Give us a LIKE and a SHARE if you enjoyed our time together!Love,Phyllis and JulieNotes: Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World by: Dr. Vivek MurthyListen to Glennon Doyle's Podcast “We Can Do Hard Things” anywhere you get podcasts.The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.