Love, Lust, and Laughter

MENOPAUSAL HORMONE THERAPY, Part 2, with Dr. Rebecka Hoppins, ND, March 18, 2025   There is a large body of accumulated scientific research to support the thesis that Sexual Pleasure and Health are inextricably linked!   In Part 2, Dr. Becky, a Naturopathic Physician, and Dr. Diana a Sex Therapist, continued their conversation from January 28th. In Part 1, menopause myths were debunked, and menopausal women with low libido were offered some solutions.   Dr. Diana asked Dr. Becky How do you optimize a woman's sexual health with the techniques of natural medicine?   Dr. Becky takes a broad, naturalistic, evolutionary overview of sex. She reminds us that in nature, sex is for reproduction, the survival of species. So broadly speaking, it makes sense that our bodies are wired to like it. Of course, that's not the case for everyone – especially for many perimenopausal and menopausal women. She advises that when we feel healthy, balanced, safe and have resources, this is a good environment for offspring to survive/thrive. If we are stressed, malnourished, unsafe, etc., hormones shift to survival mode. Then the woman's body is favoring the production of cortisol and adrenaline at the cost of the sex hormones progesterone, estrogen, DHEA, and testosterone. Fascinating fact: we literally make cortisol out of progesterone. What happens to highly stressed pregnant women? They are at a higher risk of miscarriage. After all, their progesterone is supposed to maintain the placenta and firmly hold the baby in the uterus, and this declines when cortisol goes up.   Stress may affect women even more when their sex/reproductive hormones decline. Blood flow diminishes. Vaginal health is often a problem, etc.   What does Dr. Becky look at? She addresses fatigue (adrenal function and other medical causes­), blood sugar/nutrition, physical causes of anxiety, and sleep health – to name just a few.      The fascinating case of “Rachel”: her negative body image and her weight had led to obsessive negative self-talk. Dr. Becky's Sage Clinic administers the GLP-1 (weight-loss) injections. Rachel's mind became quiet – the chatter had stopped – as soon as it took effect!   There is so much more information in this podcast: Polarity Theory, the partnership environment, vasopressin vs oxytocin, inherited behaviors, sex demands from the male partner, narcissism and more!   You have to claim great sex, again and again, over the course of your life. It won't grow and blossom without your long-term commitment. You need good information, the kind you will find in this podcast. Great sex is a natural outgrowth of great health, and the two flourish in tandem!  If you have problems in either realm, seek out the help of Dr. Becky Hoppins at the Sage Integrative Medical Clinic in Edmonds, WA. She is brilliant, well informed, and approachable. Listen to both shows and you will be convinced!

Menopausal Hormone Therapy   Sex and the older woman used to be considered an oxymoron, rarely mentioned in the same breath. Finally, menopause is having big media moments, including a just-published book, Dare I Say It – Everything I Wish I'd Known About Menopause, by Naomi Watts.   Nearly thirty years ago, I was fortunate to be in the right place at the right time. I was living in Honolulu and hosted a radio show “Fifty-Plus and Fabulous – A Show About Successful Aging.” One of my guests was a medical doctor specializing in longevity. As I was then just beginning menopause, he suggested bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (BHRT), which included regular doses of estradiol (Bi-Est), progesterone, and testosterone. As a result, I've enjoyed “postmenopausal zest” for all these years! Going from fertile to menopausal, I was closed for business—but open for pleasure!   My guest, Dr. Rebecka Hoppins, is a board-certified naturopathic physician and a 2005 graduate of Bastyr University near Seattle. She has 20 years of clinical experience with a particular focus on hormone balancing. She is deeply passionate about educating her patients regarding the effects of hormone dynamics in our day-to-day activities and the impact they have on every aspect of our lives: relationships, work, mental health, home life, and bigger health issues. You can reach her at the Sage Integrative Medical Clinic – www.sagemedclinic.com .   Dr. Becky shared her personal perimenopausal management. She reports, “I come from a history of women with significant PMS and menopausal symptoms. Since I've been practicing hormone balancing in clinic for 20 years, I don't get symptoms as long as I follow my own rules!”   She and I had an informed conversation debunking these three common myths about menopause:   MYTH. Estrogen replacement therapy causes breast cancer. TRUTH. Estrogen replacement therapy does not increase your risk of breast cancer over your preexisting baseline risk. The WHI study (2002), the source of this myth, has been reevaluated.   MYTH.   The deterioration of vaginal tissues that can happen with menopause will resolve over time. TRUTH. The genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM) includes dryness, itching, painful sex, urinary incontinence, and frequent UTIs, and will worsen over time if not treated. Systemic hormone therapy—especially topical local estrogen which can be used vaginally—typically prevents GSM.   MYTH. I can't take hormone therapy because of the dangers of blood clots. TRUTH. The risk is less than the risk that exists from taking oral birth control. Hormone therapy very likely safe when administered via transdermal patch.     And, of course, many menopausal women find that their sex drive diminishes or disappears. What can you do to enjoy sex more? Dr. Becky suggests topical estrogen, adrenal balancing, managing stress—and picking the right partner. Both of us agree that nothing is going to be helpful if you don't like your partner! We also discussed how estrogen helps with orgasm, and how a vibrator can become an important aid to enhancing a woman's capacity to achieve orgasm. The more a woman practices on her own and teaches her partner what she likes, the easier it is for her to reach climax.   Dr. Becky is a delight and so well informed.  Please listen!  You will learn a lot!

A Tribute to Dr. Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), Who Taught America How to Talk about Sex   Dr. Ruth talked publicly about sex more than anyone else. Ever.   She was my inspiration to do media work. In 1980 I began listening to her radio call-in show “Sexually Speaking.” In 1982 I watched her first appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson Show, a footstool under her feet because she was 4-foot 7. She spoke openly and with enthusiasm about sex – including masturbation. In those days, public discussion of sex was shrouded in prudishness.   She often said, “When it comes to sex, the most important 6 inches are the ones between the ears.”   My guest, Dr. Mark Schoen, founder of Sex Smart Films, is both smart and sexy! He has Dr. Ruth clips on Sex Smart Films. And he knew her before she became famous! At NYC's Columbia University, she asked him to put her in one of his sex education films, which were used in sex education classes. His explicit films were always made to educate, not to titillate. Mark declined her request, fearing that her heavy German accented English would not appeal to viewers. Fast forward 19 years when Dr. Mark was producing sex ed films for the Sinclair Institute. They wanted her in one of their sex ed films. When he called Dr. Ruth to ask, she replied, “Mark, call my agent!” By then she was too expensive for the Sinclair budget.   Dr. Mark and I discussed many aspects of her remarkable life.   Her sense of purpose came from her history. Her parents died in the Holocaust. Dr. Ruth observed, “There were 1,500,000 Jewish children killed during World War II. I was spared because I was sent to Switzerland. People like me have an obligation to make a dent in society. I did not know that my eventual contribution to the world would be to talk about orgasms and erections, but I did know I had to do something for others to justify being alive.”  She understood that sex was a portal to living a happier life and that she was motivated by tikkun olam – Hebrew for making the world a better place. Dr. Ruth said, “You can take horrible experiences you will never forget, but you can use the experiences to live a productive life.” And she had fun being Dr. Ruth!  She described herself as being like a German doll: you knock it down and it bounces back. Ahh, resilience!   Dr. Ruth noted the importance of humor in teaching. I heard this first-hand in 1995 when I was part of a faculty which included her for a weekend sex conference in Washington D.C.. I spoke about my expertise: Sex & Aging. Meeting Dr. Ruth was a thrill!  She lectured that “if a professor leaves his students laughing, they will walk away remembering what they have learned.”   Westheimer promoted long-term relationships. Another quote: “I believe that the best sexual relations have to be in a loving relationship – not like in Hollywood, or your first love or the first night of sex, but in an enduring relationship, and realize how grateful we are that we have someone who cares for us.”   Old was not in her vocabulary. One of her 37 books was Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50. She advised that if you are a senior and alone, buy a vibrator!   In her own very old age, she was named New York State's Honorary Ambassador to Loneliness. Her prescription for the lonely was the same as for the sexually frustrated: Be open. You have to feel your emotions. If you bottle the sadness in, the joy gets bottled right along with it.   R.I.P., Dr. Ruth, our beloved sex therapist known for her cheerful and insightful advice that educated millions about sexual health!

A Second Tribute to Candid Royalle, with Jamye Waxman   As sex therapists and longtime friends of Candida Royalle (actual name Candice Vadala), Jamye and Diana appreciate Candice's thirst for self-knowledge. She wrote in 2013, “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.” She also wrote, “I will not let my past ruin my future.”  For decades Candice struggled to view herself through her own eyes, rather than through the eyes of some guy.   Jamye Waxman (www.waxmansextherapy.com) spoke in response to Dr. Diana's questions: What was Candice to you? and What would you like to thank her for? As the “Godmother of Feminist Porn,” Candice—a real pioneer— was an inspiration for Jamye; also, a real friend and mentor. Jamye confesses that Candice believed in her before she could believe in herself! Diana and Jamye agreed that their late friend allowed others to shine! Jamye, for example, produced “Under the Covers” while Candice directed (the very last movie before her death in 2015).   Our discussion pivoted to pornography. Candice was disappointed by the new generation of mainstream porn: “The adult-porn industry is becoming a trash heap of over-the-top extremities of the most violating acts … Young men being brought up on this latest crop of meaningless mechanical crap are learning some terrible things about sex and women.” She wrote that in her diary in 2003.   Jamye fears that for our offspring, that we are fostering a phone-based childhood instead of a play-based childhood.   Because of phones, kids often have easy access to porn. For example, choking a partner may be normalized. (See the interview with Dr. Debbie Herbenick.)  Jamye's concern is that things are being learned without being addressed. Candice foreshadowed that violence could become acceptable. It's easy enough to go down a rabbit hole: vanilla sex scenes lead to kinky sex acts or violent ones.   In the early morning of September 7, 2015, Candice died of ovarian cancer at her Long Island home. The night before Diana wrote to her, in part: “To think that your vibrant, creative, beautiful life is about to end is devastating. It's not fair. But your legacy is phenomenal! Through your movies, your book (How to Tell a Naked Man What to Do), and your media appearances, you have changed and improved many people's sex lives and relationships. And, when folks can experience less shame and more enthusiasm regarding their sexuality … wow! … what a blessing!”   Diana and Jamye are glad Candice lived. She was a real blessing!   BTW, Check out Jamye's column in PLAYGIRL. The one on attachment and relationships is compelling: https://playgirl.com/sex-talk/the-psychology-of-sex-lets-get-attached/ .

A Tribute to Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution with Veronica Vera   Diana Wiley and Veronica Vera were each longtime, close friends of Candida Royalle, a pioneer in producing female-friendly pornographic films. Both women were interviewed by Jane Kamensky, former professor of history at Havard and director of the Elizabeth Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America, for her recently released biography: Candida Royalle & the Sexual Revolution – A History from Below.   The book is a sympathetic, clear-eyed profile of a woman who made female pleasure her business by starting her own production company, Femme Productions, in 1984.  Royalle (Candice Vadala, 1950-2015) prioritized women's pleasure and orgasm in her films, while featuring a variety of sensual and sexual play.  She wasn't interested in making the same, old, typical, boring, (male-focused) pornography.     Veronica Vera (www.veronicaverawrites.com) wrote the column “Veronica Vera's New York” that ran from 1985-1993. Veronica chronicled the sex world of which Candice was a star player. Veronica also founded CLUB 90, the first porn star support group with Candida Royalle, Veronica Hart, Gloria Leonard, and Annie Sprinkle. Fast forward to 2015, Veronica was the executor for Candice's estate, and was instrumental in getting her archive of diaries, journals, and photos to Dr. Kamensky. Veronica knew Candice for about 35 years and loved her dearly.   Diana knew Candice for 28 years and also loved her deeply. They met at a sexology conference. Diana's first impression was that of a radiant woman with a smile that said, “I love life, live it to the fullest, and adore adventures!” Yes, both women were open to adventures! They recognized that immediately as well as their sexual openness. Diana confessed, “My favorite thing is to go where I've never been. There is a scintillating thrill in new adventures!” She thought of herself as a girl of sparkle, shimmer, and shine – at least one in progress. That attitude played out when she worked as a showgirl in Miami Beach in the 70s (this job followed teaching school in Honolulu).   Chapter 25 of the book, “Sex in the 90s,” opens with a photo of Candice and Diana (page 351), who were about to go on the Jenny Jones TV talk show.  The topic: Candida's explicit erotic films for couples to watch and how Diana used them in her therapeutic practice. Later, they envisioned “Case Studies: An Educational Line for Femme Films.”  They proposed a first volume on sex and aging, a research specialty of Wiley's and a huge potential market.   One fan, a woman whose marriage benefited from watching Candida's films, called her the Grace Kelly of Porn – a sophisticated and beautiful woman of incredible integrity, big enough to allow others to shine.   Candice's quest for self-understanding as the center of a life well lived is evident in a 2013 journal: “Still trying to unlock the key to myself.”   Tune in for a fascinating podcast! And buy Jane Kamensky's book … you'll find yourself rooting for Candice Vadala!

Technology Changes Sex Education – What Parents Need to Know to Talk to Their Teens   Dr. Diana Wiley interviewed her amazing colleague Dr. Debby Herbenick, Provost Professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and Director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion. Dr. Debby has just published her sixth book: Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today's Teens and Sex. She is widely considered one of the country's most credible sources of accurate scientific information when it comes to sexuality.   How did she come to write this book? As a sex researcher and educator, she knew parents needed sex education—in an updated version. So much has changed because of internet access. Also changed are the ways that teenagers and young adults are having sex. There are changing sexual norms. As a mom, Dr. Debby was compelled to write Yes, Your Kid.   It's important to be an askable parent, a parent who is warm, approachable, and supportive. Often with religious/church influences, the parents themselves grow up in a culture of sexual shame and guilt. Silence is a message, too. Dr. Debby offers parents guides to opening up conversations with their children. The book offers good strategies for parents.   We talked about “The Rise of Rough Sex” (Chapter 7). Dr. Debby's research has shown a rise in rough sex and even choking among teens. Forty percent of women ages 18 to 29 have been choked during sex. Choking is a form of strangulation; obviously, there are risks—even death, although rare. It everywhere now, even globally. It's in mainstream pornography. It's in lots of TikTok videos.   Parents, when confronted with this information will yell, “No Way!” Dr. Debby's extensive research says, “Yes, it's happening.”   Parents can step into conversations about rough sex, but also about consent, using condoms, and communication. Pleasure also needs to be considered. Who can enjoy getting it on with a lover who ignores the real risks of pregnancy and STIs? Feeling safe is crucial to the deep relaxation necessary for erotic pleasure!   To quote Debby Herbenick, PhD: “Let your teen know that you want them to have fulfilling relationships in life—and that may include sex if they want. Be that resource and safety net for them.”  

ANDROPAUSE, sometimes called MALE MENOPAUSE   Though the potency crisis that hits many men in middle age has some obvious causes – age, alcohol, stress – the decline is hormonal and psychological as well. Men often won't discuss it with their doctors, their wives, or their lovers.   Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com), heading up The Buehler Institute, joined the program once again. When men and women face the same passages with different needs and directions, how does the partnership survive? Dr. Stephanie and Dr. Diana talked about it all!  Women go through the process of menopause in different ways, but it's almost a universal experience. Men are all different.   Often there are existential issues. For example: Does my life have meaning? What parts of myself have been neglected that I am now free to live out? Do I matter? The denial of aging can show up in a man's embracing symbols of success and vitality. It may also contribute to men avoiding seeking help when they experience sexual issues as they age.   Women are often concerned about their partners. One of Dr. Diana's clients said, “I have some menopausal symptoms – but the main problem is that my husband has more! He's 52, withdrawn, moody, and angry that he's aging and losing his hair. Also, he just doesn't get aroused anymore. And I got tired of things not happening when I tried to get sex started. I always thought it was me. I stopped trying because I thought it was embarrassing to him.” These are not uncommon complaints from female partners.   The two sex therapists discussed typical psychological problems such as lethargy, depression, increased irritability, mood swings, and an overall lessening of a sense of well-being. As men move into their 50s and 60s, they may have intermittent problems in gaining and sustaining erections. They may also feel some slackening of sexual desire. And unless a man is in a good relationship with a supportive partner, the shock of all these changes can bring on a powerful psychological crisis, which can actually frighten a man into erectile dysfunction (E.D.). Still, they don't talk about it. Men may have integrated this idea: “Your job as a male is to be strong.”   It's important to underscore that there is a robust population of older men who survive this potential crisis with their egos and erectile abilities intact. In one large study, forty percent of these healthy males remained completely potent at age 70. A man's general physical health picture is significant. Organic factors contribute to E.D. in up to 80 percent of men. Of all the causes for erectile dysfunction, the most common is impairment of the blood supply to the penis. This results in many males who won't even try to have sex!     Dr. Stephanie points out that some female partners are not helpful, heaving insults like, “What's wrong with you?”   Once again, USE IT or LOSE IT comes into play. And it requires a trusted partner, and some self-discipline around drinking, eating, exercise, and preventive health measures. Many men have emotional connection problems. They didn't get training in this; rather, they got performance training. Dr. Stephanie recalls Dr. Steve Braverman asking, “Does a man have to have a hard penis in order for sex to take place?”  As a man gets older, and feels less secure sexually, intimacy and trust with his partner become critical.   The two sex therapists also talked about alcohol, diet, and stress. The chronic use of alcohol can murder potency. Urologists report that when looking at the tissue from patients with chronic alcoholism, the nerve is killed inside the penis. Tom Lue, an internationally known expert on the treatment of male sexual dysfunction, notes “It's almost impossible to revive. Usually, it takes 10 or 15 years of chronic heavy alcohol use to kill the nerve.”   In 1995 Dr. Diana spoke about aging and sexuality at a Washington, D.C. conference. The keynote speaker, Dr. William Masters (of Masters and Johnson), was asked his best advice for an older man who is worried he's losing his potency. Dr. Masters was nearly 80 then, and his voice filled with tenderness: “Talk to your partner. Tell her you have these concerns. She's probably concerned and afraid to tell you. Then talk to a competent sexologist about how to reactivate your bedroom scene.” Dr. Masters treated sexual dysfunction for nearly 50 years. He had a humble definition of good communication in a relationship: “It's the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities.”  

The Scariest Halloween Goblin: Many young men get their sex education from porn!   Dr. Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th Edition, is seriously concerned about how porn affects young men. A great deal of sexual misery stems from mistaken beliefs! There is very little competent sex education to help.   Dr Paul, realizing that many young men, teenagers included, are compulsive about video gaming, developed the website Real Dude Radio to reach this audience with accurate information about sex. This works because young people consume information differently, conditioned by the video gaming industry and porn. They need help with the distortions of pornography.   Real Dude Radio is very enlightening! For example check out “The Ultimate Guide to the Clitoris.” A woman needs to get the brain and the body on the same page! This guide is clear and practical. You'll also find “Sex in Porn vs Real Life.” Yes, porn is entertainment, NOT sex education. Or check out “Fap Not – Masturbate Madness,” which is an answer to people who think there's something bad about masturbation. It's a funny parody! “There's never been a single credible study that shows that masturbation is harmful to either men or women.”   Dr. Paul is also concerned with sextortion where young men are getting blackmailed for their dick pics that also reveal their face. See this recent article in the Washington Post: ‘IDK what to do': Thousands of teen boys are being extorted in sexting scams   Listening to this podcast episode will enlighten and entertain you!

Sexual Communication Improves As We Get Older   Dr. Stephanie Buehler joins Dr. Diana in a conversation about sexual communication; later, the sex docs speak about menopause. Dr. Stephanie Buehler (www.LearnSexTherapy.com) is a licensed psychologist and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist and Supervisor. She is the author of several books on sexuality and relationships. Dr. Stephanie notes how important it is for the aging person to acknowledge and cope with changes. What doesn't change is the solution: Couples need to figure out their sexual needs and wants and communicate them (and perhaps put down their phones for a while!). Conversation, it seems, is the most powerful type of foreplay. Talk to each other about sex. What do you want to feel? Desired, young, and alive?  Or?  Then you have to decide if you're willing to put in the work. Practice, practice! Gourmet sex is like gourmet cooking. They don't happen without focus.   Dr. Buehler points out that before having a hard conversation with a loved one, it's important to identify what you want to say. Perhaps it is, “I am sad and what I need from you is extra affection.” Have empathy for your partner. On the other side is contempt, a dangerous feeling.   We have to adapt to changes as we age. Good sex needs re-imaging, expansion! Outercourse is wonderful because there's no goal … you can just enjoy the feelings. The man doesn't have to worry about his erection because there is no penetration. Partners can get out of their brains and into their bodies!   Connection rules. In the heat of an argument, many people have trouble reaching out. Remember, hurt underlies anger. Couples have to decide that the relationship is more important than all those things they do that annoy each other. Positive reinforcement instead of criticizing always wins!   Dr. Stephanie observes that in some Asian cultures where aging is revered, women don't have as negative an experience with menopause. Older women are seen as wise and are protectors. Many menopausal women say emphatically “This is my time!” She was a good girl, a good wife and a good parent. She's done for everyone, and now she is going to take care of herself. Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy, BHRT, can provide the missing hormones resulting from menopause. Please listen to the podcast for all the details!

Is the “Barbie” Movie Layered with Subversive Messages?   Nicole McNichols, PhD – The Sex Professor – www.nicolethesexprofessor.com – joins Dr. Diana to review the movie “Barbie.” They explored layered themes, including body image, appearances, perfectionism, and shame.   It's not surprising that for the past 64 years, Barbie has been at the center of debates about who women are, who they should be, how they look, and what they want. The “Barbie” movie reveals many answers!   Body Image/Appearances – Dr. Nicole and Dr. Diana discussed how a woman's image of her body affects her sexuality – and her relationship with her partner. There is “spectatoring” – looking at yourself with a critical eye during sex, preventing mindfulness. Sensate Focus exercises promote touching, massaging – helping a couple discover new erogenous zones for pleasure beyond PIV (Penis-In-Vagina) sex. What to do about a poor body image? Cultivate the ability to appreciate your uniqueness. When you start to appreciate your imperfections as endearing distinctions, you will have begun to love yourself in a way that allows you to love others. Regardless, the idea of a perfect body is fiction. None of us have perfect bodies. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment!   Perfectionism – Eventually, Barbie was able to embrace herself, her vulnerability, her authenticity. Dr. Nicole proclaims: Real is the new perfect!   Shame – Sometimes called the “master emotion,” it is the feeling that we're not worthy, competent, or good. Shame on you if you fail, so don't try. There is not much room for growth.   Barbie and Ken both experience personal growth. Barbie deals with sexism and experiences the power of female confidence and collaboration. Ken deals with patriarchy and perils of toxic masculinity and entitlement.   Dr. Nicole McNichols is a Sex Professor with about 4,000 students a year attending her class at the University of Washington. There's a reason she's so popular … Her sex-positive messages are delivered with vitality, enthusiasm, humor and intelligence!  Dr. Nicole has a blog on Psychology Today, and you can see her great posts on Instagram and TikTok.   Stay tuned!  She'll be back for a Part 2.

Alternative Relationship Arrangements   David Steinberg is a writer of consummate intelligence and compassion! Whether he is writing books or taking photographs, it comes across that sex is who we are, how we live, and how we experience pleasure and life. I've known David since 1988 when his first book Erotic by Nature was published. We've been friends for 35 years!   David and I discuss Open Relationships (one aspect of ethical nonmonogamy) and Living Apart Together. David and Kim, his partner of 17 years, practice both. David talks about how they give each other freedom, they get to be who they authentically are. He says they keep it fresh!  Every year and a day Kim and David meet to review and further define their relationship. Do they want to continue for another year and a day? It appears they have the real thing going on, a true love story!   Ethical Nonmonogamy (ENM) describes the situation where members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and/or romantic partners, and it's gaining in popularity. More than a fifth of single American adults have engaged in ENM according to recent studies. ENM requires self-reflection, radically open communication, and compassion. Boundaries and rules are discussed; they may need to be re-negotiated over time. The trust is built on the fact that there's nothing to hide.   Living Apart Together (LAT) refers to committed couples who each keep separate homes, often because they cherish private space and financial independence. Often these couples begin their relationship later in life. Both David and Dr. Diana have their respective LAT situations. The thrill in your relationship tends to endure because you are not living with each other all the time, thus helping to avert the slippery slope into a gray, monotonous relationship. Dopamine, the hormone of arousal, flows when there's anticipation of wonderful sex to come! Yes, let there be spaces in your togetherness.   David Steinberg is also the author of This Thing We Call Sex. His fine art sexual photography will be assembled into a book Loving Couples, now in production. When it is published, he'll be back to talk about it, I promise!

Getting “Sex Smart” with Dr. Mark Schoen   Dr. Mark Schoen is a sex educator and a filmmaker whose website www.SexSmartFilms.com has been called the “Netflix of sex education.” Fifteen years ago, Dr. Mark started with 46 films and now his site has over 600 films divided into three categories – Education, Research, and Therapy.     Many universities use Sex Smart Films knowing that it is a sex educator's dream come true! Parents need to familiarize themselves with the Education section of the site. Research shows that mothers and fathers who talk about sex with their kids are more likely to end up with adult children who share their values.   Dr. Diana suggests that her client couples use the Therapy section for Sensate Focus Exercises. For her female clients with anorgasmia, using the “Becoming Orgasmic” steps can help with just that! Dr. Mark says many people use these two sections for self-help – when sex therapy is not an option.   Watching any of the films of Mark's site can be a great way to improve a couple's communication. Pause after a scene and talk about it. This may help articulate wants and sexual needs. Plus, we learn so much visually. Dr. Mark and Dr.  Diana discussed possible consequences of little or no sex education.   Many folks need to be educated about what it means to be transgender. The transgender community is perhaps the most misunderstood and mistreated minority in America and around the world.     Mark Schoen's documentary “TRANS” shares the stories of several transgender people in various stages of their lives and their transition, ranging from a 7-year-old to those in middle age. Family and friends viewing this film will better understand what their loved one is going through. At a Univ. of Michigan discussion, a male-to-female trans person was asked if they chose this. The reply: “Who the fuck would choose this?!” They are born this way.   Dr. Mark Schoen gave birth to Sex Smart Films. What a valuable resource!  Check it out.

Dr. Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabis specialist with a practice in Boston. Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Now he helps patients around the world. All of his appointments are virtual.   His website has lots of helpful information. Soon Dr. Tishler will publish his randomized, controlled study with one thousand females, looking at situational orgasmic disorders. Most women can bring themselves to orgasm by masturbating, especially using a vibrating toy. Orgasms with a partner are more difficult for many women. Cannabis helps with orgasms!   “Evidence Mounts: Cannabis Enhances Lovemaking for Most” is the title of Michael Castleman's Psychology Today Blog post (Oct. 15, 2022). Dr. Diana and Dr. Tishler spoke about the key points:   As cannabis becomes increasingly legal, many studies show that most users report better sex. A 2020 report from Stanford researchers revealed that cannabis increases desire and arousal for most women and improves orgasm and satisfaction, and for most men, cannabis improves their erections and increases orgasms and satisfaction. Cannabis doesn't improve sex for everyone, but the research shows that two-thirds of users report sexual benefits.   Cannabis helps with pain and healing. Dr. Diana shared about her abdominal surgery in February. Cannabis helped with the pain … much better than the opioids! Two weeks after the surgery, she felt ready to resume sex with her husband. Smoking pot made a difference! More healing ensued! (Dr. Tishler also commented on the problem with opioids is that they can cause constipation; in some cases, addiction.)   Another cannabis benefit is that with lowered inhibitions, laughter and play may be more accessible! A good laugh—like a good cry or good sex—is a natural tranquilizer. Turns out, laughter is a natural stress-buster! Plus, remember that couples who laugh together, last together!   On the topic of cannabis vs alcohol, Dr. Tishler observed that alcohol is essentially yeast poop … it's been through fermentation. It is waste.  The phytocannabinoids in cannabis come from a plant and work on the human body's own endocannabinoid system. Dr. T. points out that alcohol is toxic to neurons, to the liver, heart and even bone marrow.   Dr. Tishler is a superb guest because he's so articulate and dispenses excellent information! Spend some time on his website. Dr. Diana also has more details available in her bonus chapter, “Cannabis for Couples.” Download it free from DearDrDiana.com.

Talk about WILD MONOGAMY!   Listen to this satisfied couple: “Sex is the glue that keeps us tight – when your rhythms are the same, your fantasies, tastes, and levels of desire mesh and blend because you know this is not to be found on any corner just ahead.” Mali Apple and Joe Dunn (www.MaliandJoe.com) have this sort of sexual relationship, this sort of intimacy. And they wrote about it.   The authors draw on stories from real people and the latest research on sex and love. Their forthcoming book, Wild Monogamy: Cultivating Erotic Intimacy to Keep Passion and Desire Alive, encourages couples to develop – or redevelop! – their erotic intimacy. Both in their coaching and in the book, Mali and Joe suggest that couples explore the edges of their “erotic comfort zones” to keep their sexual connection energized. One of you might be nervous but still you set up adventures to explore. Joe confessed he was once nervous to be naked on a nude beach … but then, he got to focus eventually on how the sun felt on his skin!   Sustaining desire requires reconciling two opposing sets of human needs – security and adventure, the domestic and the erotic.     In the Chapter “Erotic Versatility,” readers are encouraged to open up to all four dimensions of sexual connection: physical, creative, emotional, and spiritual. There can be transcendent sex. It's not about the body (not how thin, fat or youthful you are), yet the body is the instrument. It's about union, which happens on the interior.     There is the “Healing Power of Eroticism.” Couples can turn insecurities, inhibitions, shame, and even performance issues into opportunities for intimacy. Role playing can ease the way. Mali has paid Joe to act as her gigolo!   Imagine if your partnership could take you to states you'd never imagined – realizing “This is what we're here for, to love like this!”  WILD MONOGAMY provides lots of inspiration!  

VALENTINE'S DAY is coming soon – LET'S TALK ROMANCE!   Dr. Ashley Mader (www.Ourshine.org) joined Dr. Diana to talk about love and romance. After all, love is a topic central to our lives and our search for meaning; alas, mystery and myth still cling.   The two sex therapists explored three areas:   They first targeted singles with the question: Who is my perfect romantic partner? A study in Proceedings of the National Academy of Science in 2020 addressed this topic. Sorting through a massive data-set of 11,196 couples, they tried to figure out what makes some romantic relationships happier than others. The academics came to one central conclusion – that relationships are unpredictable. But while data analysis appears unable to point people to their ideal mates, it can tell us why our gut instincts are often wrong. When people choose partners, they tend to favor those who are physically attractive as well as people in certain height ranges. For daters, a potential strategy is to seek out people other daters tend to overlook. He or she may not be your type – but give them a chance! And, find a partner who is already happy, someone who is satisfied with their life and free from depression.   How to reignite passion in a long-time relationship. Passion usually changes over the course of a relationship. The feelings haven't gone away. They're just not prioritized; perhaps assumed instead of actionized. When you started dating, everything was about being together. Then life takes over. There are external and internal distractions everywhere. To name a few: cell phone, computer, kids, negative self-talk, worrying, judging, stressing, fatigue, inhibitions, unrealistic expectations, and lack of time. Couples often suffer from skin hunger because there is so little touching. According to research by Johns Hopkins, human fingertips have about 3,000 touch receptors, each! So, spend the night with your hands all over each other! Massaging is great foreplay.   How to truly express love to your partner on Valentine's Day – or any day, really. To begin with, think about what you want: to be closer, happier, more loving and feeling more loved. This may help push you past your fears. You might open with, “I want to be more expressive, but I haven't always had the words.” An Adoration List works -- five non-material things that make you feel special and loved, and share your list. Also, take turns saying what I love and appreciate about you. Appreciation begets appreciation. It builds a reservoir of good will.   Listen to the show for lots more details!

GOALS FOR 2023: Integrating More Intimacy and Avoiding Bad Sex   To help Dr. Diana explore these goals for 2023, she welcomed back Dr. Ashley Mader to Love, Lust and Laughter. Dr. Ashely is a sex therapist, educator, and consultant (www.ourshine.org).   We two sex therapists talked about “How to Have Bad Sex” and how to turn those negatives into positives.   Having bad sex requires that you: Compare Yourself to Others. Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. Forget the magazine quizzes and the six-step sex books! If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and anyone you're having sex with – and don't turn away. Be fully present.   Ignore Your Body: The idea of a perfect body is fiction. You may be ignoring your body at the expense of genuine sexual pleasure and empowerment. It's not easy, but working with the body you've got is a crucial part of improving your sex life. Get out of your head and into your body! Lots of sex surveys reveal that guys are not complaining about the size of their partner's rear end. By the time a man wants to sleep with a woman, he finds her attractive. People struggle to get fully in their bodies. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy what is being shared sexually. Learn to massage and be massaged. (You can find several sensual touch exercises in Chapter 5 of Dr. Diana's book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine).  This kind of touching can help the body put down its armor.   Grow Up, Get Serious:  Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play we engaged in when we were kids. (Innuits of Alaska call sex “laughing time”!) If you make sex just one more thing that's serious and routine, you lose much of the power and the magic of sex! Remember to occasionally use eye contact as you pleasure each other.   Let Fear be Your Guide: Sex can be scary … in part because sex demands that we give up control and expose ourselves. Thus, many don't talk about their desires, don't tell their partners what they really want to do. If you're in a safe relationship where there is trust, fear doesn't have to be your guide.   Dr. Ashley is interesting and fun! She plans to return on the 7th of February to talk about putting more romance into your relationship! Stay tuned

JOY & STRESS – IT'S THE HOLIDAYS!   Dr. Carol Queen's Good Vibrations platform allows her to focus on sex education and women's pleasure. There is an abundance of sex education in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol enjoyed a conversation about joys and stressors over the holidays. To have more joy, we need to manage our stress better!   The mind-body approach – the brain is locked in an intricate embrace with the body. It turns out the body has a big say in what we do and who we are. Information flows into the brain not only through all our senses but also from the vagus nerve as it snakes past all our organs, especially the gut. The vagus offers a pathway for healing the mind through the body.   Deep breathing practices of mindfulness can create an inner state of calm. Like most organs, our lungs are on autopilot, but we can take the wheel. Deep breathing for a minute or so recruits the vagus to send an all-clear signal to the brain. In doing so, the heart slows, the blood vessels relax, and the gut contractions smooth out. The gut, sometimes called the “second brain,” is home to trillions of microbes (composing the microbiome). An unbalanced gut microbiome, often a consequence of the standard American diet, is a potent source of inflammation and this can lead to major depression and anxiety.   Self-Compassion is better than self-esteem! An analysis of 14 studies found that people high in self-compassion were less vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and stress. When you see yourself clearly – both positive and negative traits – you can more easily cope with setbacks and mistakes. Self-compassion means treating yourself in the same way you would treat a treasured friend. Some people feel they need self-criticism to motivate themselves. Rather than motivating, it makes people feel anxious, incompetent, and depressed.   Relieving stress through sex.  Sex toys can be fun and can spice up a relationship! Dr. Carol has talked to men wanting to buy a sex toy for a partner. Dr. Carol will ask, “Have you talked to your lover?”  The answer is often, “No.” Communication is essential!   Buying a gift card at Good Vibrations or Babeland is a safe bet. Then you can make it part of a Date Night. Visit the store together and ask questions of a well-informed staff member. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana had a lively discussion about clit-sucking toys, mutual masturbation, and reading erotica.    

  Dr. Carol Queen Is a “Cultural Sexologist” – Politically And Socially   She is the Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women's pleasure. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.   The midterms revealed notable pro-choice outcomes. Abortion is healthcare and bodily autonomy is a human right! There is a long history of criminalizing bodily autonomy, especially for Black, Indigenous, working class, and trans people. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed the various culture war issues.   Bay Area activist Carol Leigh (1951-2022), also known as The Scarlot Harlot, died earlier this month. Her legacy in the area of sex work activism is substantial. She defined sex work as a labor issue, not a crime, not a sin. The job is done by a million people in this country who are stigmatized and criminalized by working to support their families. Carol Leigh coined the term “sex work” and said, “I wanted to create an atmosphere of tolerance within and outside the women's movement for women working in the sex industry.”   The Holidays are coming … Will you gift sex toys? Tune in to hear Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol discuss guidelines for appropriate gift selections.   Dr. Carol will return to “Love, Lust and Laughter” December 13, 2022. Tune in then – and listen to today's show – a provocative, informative broadcast!

LOVE AFTER LOSS – Becoming Capable of Intimacy and Laughter Again   Dr. Lori Buckley, my friend and colleague of nearly 20 years, is the perfect guest to explore this topic. She and I have some parallels on our life paths. We are both Sex Therapists who have narrated sex education videos for The Sinclair Institute – including Great Sex for a Lifetime. We've both been divorced and widowed and remarried – me four+ years ago, she in 19 days! We both moved out of L.A. – hoping for a more simpatico male dating pool, among other reasons. Big surprise – Los Angeles has more than its share of narcissistic men!   (Note: although the following stories are written from the perspective of women dating men, the advice is generally applicable to any gender dating any gender.) Beware of the man who doesn't ask any questions about you on the first date. These guys are probably very narcissistic. Me. Me. Me. But it can't be all about him when it comes to relationships. Besides, he may hold idea that I will find someone who makes me happy. Since happiness is an inside job, the relationship fails. If your new date is only talking about himself, you may be watching him talk about the only person who interests him: himself.   After loss, Dr. Lori asks the question, How do I move forward? First, it's important to figure out what you really want. How do I navigate relationships and love? How do I navigate my sexuality after losing a beloved partner?   To figure out what you really want, you may need to give it three dates. If you don't feel “chemistry” at first, please remember that chemistry doesn't (usually) last. Attraction is important, but if someone meets your needs, you may find the attraction follows.   It helps to know your deal-breakers -- for example, smoking. Most people focus on wants: hot, funny. You may find the right one when you focus on needs: communication, mutual respect.   Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana discussed common fears in dating the second time around. One fear is that first dates will be awkward. Sure, they can be – but they can also be interesting and fun! In addition to talking about mutual interests, ask lighthearted questions that delve beneath the surface. Examples: What was your favorite toy when growing up? What would you love to do if there were no constraints? What's the best advice anyone ever gave you? If your house were on fire, what's the first thing you would grab to save?   Another fear is that there will be a lot of losers out there. The reality is that your attitude has the biggest impact on your satisfaction with dating and your ability to meet compatible people. Often promoted by popular media is the idea that single men are inept or self-centered and that women are confused or impossible to please. Of course, the truth is that many men are capable and loving. Many women are straightforward and agreeable.   You can assess a person's character by paying attention to the person's actions as well as words. Look for evidence of kindness, respect, integrity, emotional generosity, and responsibility. Does he show up on time? How does he treat the staff at a café? Does he put away his cell phone during dates and give you full attention? When the subject of past relationships comes up, does he dwell on his ex's negative traits? What did he learn from his last relationship?   Will he want sex right away is another fear. Plenty of people don't mind waiting -- and someone who is right for you will respect your boundaries. You might say, “I'm attracted to you, but I want to slow this down” … “I don't have sex with someone this soon, so for now why don't we just kiss and cuddle?”   Perhaps the biggest obstacle to finding love in midlife and beyond is staying home. Move those fears aside, and get out there and date!   Both Dr. Lori and I are similar in this way, too: we've danced our dreams awake with a special man. She has Harry, I have Bryan. I can honestly say my connection with my husband is one of fun, sizzle, and ever-deepening intimacy. We are two experienced people who have a past, yet everything is still possible! Dr. Lori agrees with me. Tune in for some fascinating details.   Also check out Dr. Lori's product web site Stuff of Love.

Parenting, Anxiety and Differentiation of Self: What does Sex Have to Do With It?   Dr. Diana and her guest, Dr. Ashley Mader, reflected on the anxious times we are living in, where stress can either be an accelerator for sexual intimacy or a brake for it. The better differentiated each partner is, the better they can communicate their desires (or lack thereof). Differentiation involves learning to balance your individuality (separateness) with your emotional connection to someone else (togetherness). For some, there is a loss of self – especially in anxious times. “Me Time” is essential. You can't feel sexy with someone else if you don't feel sensual and relaxed alone. For one client, a way to hold onto herself was to go to a hotel alone for 24 hours to decompress and sooth her anxiety. This was a time for enlightened selfishness!   NOTE: Dr. Ashley Mader will discuss this topic at the upcoming conference PARENTING DURING ANXIOUS TIMES (www.TheBowenCenter.org) September 30,2022, 9:30-3:30 EDT.   Most women with low sexual desire want to want. Female sexuality is often contextual. Women can lose desire quickly when they don't feel the right motivation. But because female desire is highly responsive to environment, it can also be ignited. As sex therapists, both Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana hear couples say, “We love each other very much, but we have no sex. There is too much stress.” They feel like they're living with a roommate and they start to desexualize each other.   Dr. Ashley says how important it is to create Sexy Time. Be sensuous with all your senses: seeing, hearing, feelings, and smelling keep us alive. They also feed and nourish romance and eroticism! Watch some sexy films, play sexy games, read erotica to each other. Schedule a Date Night, ending early enough to get home and have sex. Buy some pretty lingerie … Sometimes the hardest person to seduce is yourself.   What about parenting in these anxious times? It's common for anxiety to be projected onto the child. A depressive marriage is grim for both adults and children. Children with a depressed parent are, on average, more likely to have behavioral and academic problems (even lower IQs!). To survive happily as couples, they need to place a higher priority on sex and erect boundaries to protect their intimacy.

NRE – New Relationship Energy. How To Keep It Going!   Therapist Dr. Ashley Mader – www.OurShine.org – sees clients who experiencing the euphoria of new relationship energy—NRE—as well as clients in the process of separation or divorce and wondering how they got there. Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana have similar cases in their practices; so, a lively conversation ensued!   As with many things, the brain is involved, providing a biological reaction. In the early days of the relationship, the brain is pumping out dopamine, which plays a role in arousal and seeking out rewards. You're focused on your partner and it builds the infatuation. Over time, oxytocin takes over, which promotes bonding and feelings of comfort. In the early days couples may feel like they're on speed – later it may feel like they're on an anti-depressant.   Michael Castleman, author and Psychology Today contributor, writes about dopamine, saying, “Novelty is a nutrient that nourishes relationships and enhances sex.” Couples that want to keep the NRE high need to trick the brain in producing more dopamine. Play out sexual fantasies – taking on new roles. Go to a hotel. It hits a lot of the stimuli checklist – new, different, a little danger/taboo if there's a semi-private balcony. At its most basic, it's away from home. There's no pile of laundry that can highjack a partner's mind. Good sex requires a person to be present; removing distractions gives that a chance.   Being fully present can be assisted by breathing. Dr. Ashley suggests putting your hands on the top of your head, fingers interlaced, eyes closed and breathing in and out slowly.   Other times a “thoughtful distance” is necessary: a time-out, a girls' trip, maybe time to contemplate, Who am I?   Let there be spaces in your togetherness. This is accomplished with L.A.T. – Living Apart Together. Many couples who begin relationships later in life are keeping separate homes because they cherish private space and financial independence. This gives dopamine a chance to be in play because the couple can anticipate the emotional and physical intimacy! Building anticipation is its own aphrodisiac … which keeps the NRE freely flowing!   In therapy often couples discover hidden issues with control. This usually means that they need to feel more cared for and loved. Rather than getting involved in a power struggle, they can ask for what they need in a positive way. Partners who learn to say “yes” more often begin to see things from their partner's point of view, as a result, are happier. Listening with curiosity is always a good idea!   NRE depends on having sex with your spouse! We want one who wants to have sex with us. The need to be desired is as important as the sex itself. Talk to your partner about sex and share how your needs may have changed over time. Be open and vulnerable when communicating – as well as kind and forgiving when misunderstandings occur.   Finally, consider this if you are contemplating a separation or divorce: “Remember, you had what it took to fall in love; it's entirely possible you have what it takes to stay there!”

Funny, Irreverent, Intelligent Sex Educator and Author Of Guide To Getting It On   Dr. Diana welcomed Dr. Paul Joannides, the author of Guide to Getting It On, now in its 10th edition. This is what Dr. Diana wrote in her book Love in the Time of Corona, Chapter 8 – Learn More About Sex: “Guide to Getting It On is the first book I recommend to my clients. It's possibly the best book ever written about sex. This comprehensive book is a fun read, filled with entertaining illustrations and detailed, hands-on information about all kinds of sexual practices … Rolling Stone Magazine called it “the only sex manual you'll ever need!”   Dr. Paul has great blogs on his website www.GuideToGettingItOn.com and Psychology Today. He asks two questions in his blog Redefining Sex Education: “How do we deliver sex education to today's teens and young adults on their turf and in ways they consume information? And, how do we make sex education effective for people whose main source of sex education is porn? It's true, sex education today needs to help with the distortions of porn.”   A huge obstacle to any sex educator is that they are often not allowed to discuss sexual pleasure.  Dr. Paul laments that there is also no talk about women's orgasms, and the importance of learning to tell a partner what feels good and what doesn't. He warns that if we don't make pleasure the cornerstone of sex education, nobody is going to listen.   Another blog entry is titled Access to Porn and Information About Sex Has Changed. Dr. Paul states that the average 8 to 10 year old has easy access to highly explicit images about sex. Misinformation leads to assumptions that this is how people really have sex (no kissing, no tenderness, no talking).   Dr. Paul spoke about giving a lecture on sex to 600 students at a major west coast university. Two of the students lingered afterwards, holding hands. The young woman said, “I can't thank you enough for your talk. It's going to make a big difference in my sex life.” And her male partner said, “Me too.” Women need to know that it can take up to 20 minutes or more of kissing, caressing, and fooling around with a partner before they are ready to have intercourse. In other words: foreplay! The young man assumed he had premature ejaculation and was glad to hear his lasting 8 to 10 minutes was above 1 to 2 minutes considered to be P.E.  Dr. Paul wonders how it is that we have done such a terrible job of providing competent sex education to young adults?   Please listen to hear Dr. Paul talking about his new project focusing on young men. How to reach them? Stay tuned because he promises to return in 3-4 months to discuss the outcomes. Dr. Paul Joannides wrote a world-class sex manual. This is not surprising -- because Paul is a world-class human being!    

Integrating Mind & Body and Past & Present for More Pleasurable Sex   Stella Resnick, PhD, has been a friend and mentor for thirty years. At a May 2, 1992 meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (informally known as “Quad S”), Dr. Stella spoke about Actualizing Sexual Potential, asking “How good can sex get?” New to the field, I was immediately enthralled by my colleague who focused on pleasure!     In this episode, Dr. Stella and I covered a range of topics, highlighting some of her significant contributions to the understanding of the role of pleasure in healthy sexuality.   Attachment, Attunement and Sexuality Attachment is how we bond; it is programmed in us from day one! The mother and infant are wired to connect; and this is foundational for his/her development. The baby automatically mimics the facial expressions of mother. If the child is wanted and born of a happy marriage, the mother smiles and looks into its eyes deeply. If, on the other hand, the baby looks like the dad … a man she dislikes … her eyes may narrow as she frowns. This is instant messaging – a body-to-body transference, and it can be intergenerational. If mother was traumatized, she likely has anxious or avoidant attachment.   As Dr. Stella said in her first book, The Pleasure Zone: Why We Resist Good Feelings & How to Let Go and Be Happy, “Intercourse is not the main event.” There is so much sensual pleasure to enjoy all over the body! Use all five senses; for example, really taste the kisses. Scent is the key when we smell our clean partner.   Sex and the Science of Mind-Reading – Empathy and the Sex Drive Discussions of sex play, mutual regulation, dysregulation, understanding or misinterpreting the other's signals … and sexual inter-neurobiology. We feel the other and want a “lubricated process.” Bodies are in tacit communication … If you're in your head, you're not in your body. Or, as Fritz Perls said, “Lose your mind and come to your senses.” Body attunement enhances empathy … discovering yourself in another's presence.   The principle of Relaxed Excitement: the secret of great sex and success in everything is to be excited, stimulated and relaxed at the same time.   The ABCs of Romance: breathing together, eye contact, smiling, and kissing.   This is a fascinating show! Dr. Resnick has much experiential wisdom, backed by her Gestalt orientation and endowed by contemporary neurobiology. She invites all to experience a greater, more playful, more creative form of love!   Go to www.DrStellaResnick.com where you'll find information about her three books The Pleasure Zone, The Heart of Desire, and Body-to-Body Intimacy. In addition, her Embodiment Exercises help to get in touch with feelings and release tension or numbness in your body.   Finally, a quote from Dr. Stella's 1988 SELF magazine “Sex without Sex”: “When pleasure is made a priority and sexual energy is channeled wisely and lovingly, you can know a new ease and joy in your intimate relationships.”  

Mark Twain Meets Don Juan   “Mark Twain meets Don Juan—a delectable fusion of brains and balls!” is an observation made about Howie Gordon's book HINDSIGHT: True Love and Mischief in the Golden Age of Porn. It's true that Howie Gordon – aka Richard Pacheco – is unafraid to experience the wilds, both inner and outer. He writes with huge humor that will keep you laughing throughout his fascinating journey!   On Love, Lust and Laughter, Dr. Diana interviewed Howie in 2013 and in 2015. The first time he was on a panel with Nina Hartley and Candida Royalle. In 2015, sadly, he and Nina joined Diana on air grieving the death of Candida.   His longtime friend Whoopi Goldberg noted in her Foreword that he wrote in a time of storytelling with an X Rating. And what a storyteller he is! Howie spoke about his peak experiences working in the Golden Age of Porn (1969–1984), as well as what lessons he learned.   “Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls” was one of his first porn films. He recalled that Candida Royalle was young and wild (she was an actress before she started her own production company Femme Productions in 1984) and he was ten years older. Howie was learning about himself and his anxieties. Even though they'd had a “rehearsal” the day before the filming when he had no problem with his erection, that was not the case when they began the shoot. Many years later, he had a chance to redeem himself as he starred with Nina Hartley in Candida Royalle's “Sensual Escape”. Even so, Howie still had a “power outage” – E.D. not noticed by most. Perhaps there was good editing!   Ten years later, twenty-five-year old Nina Hartley new to the porn business, asked for an “anal rehearsal” when she was cast in “Little Anal Annie.” Howie knew Nina Hartley was different – calling herself a pro-sex feminist in an era when angry, anti-porn feminists had largely highjacked the feminist movement. He called her a “mindful wild child!”   Howie told more porn movie stories including a poignant one involving “Talk Dirty to Me.” Please listen to the entire program. You will laugh and be enlightened! For example, Howie says “When sex is accepted and celebrated for the goody that it is and can be in this life, it takes on a much less obsessive place than when it is denied, vilified, or repressed.”   Howie is wise and humorous. He can write funny – something he realized when he studied at the Northwestern School of Journalism, a high school summer program in 1965. Read his book HINDSIGHT – www.hindsightbook.com. Also check out his newest book “Return to Squirrel Hill: A memoir – Growing up Howie” – www.returntosquirrelhill.com and for the audio version – www.howiegordon.bandcamp.com. He reads it in his own voice.   Howie admits the only reason he had a career in porn is that he can act. That made a difference because he experienced terror masturbating in front of a camera, he was not an exhibitionist, and had many bouts of E.D. performing through the years on film/video tape. As his friend (and mine) Candida said, “Richard Pacheco wasn't your typical ‘porn stud' and thank Goodness for that. He became a much beloved and sought out performer during the golden age of porn.”  

Good Sex Education Can Prevent Having Bad Sex – PLUS: May is National Masturbation Month  Who better to talk about masturbation than Dr. Carol Queen, Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a company that created the Masturbation Hall of Fame. As a member, Dr. Carol explained that the Hall of Fame was founded in response to Dr. Joycelyn Elders being fired in 1994 for suggesting that masturbation be taught in the schools. Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana know many ways to prevent bad sex.  They discuss surefire ways to not get what you want sexually. What follows are their top ways to have bad sex: Compare yourself to others: Sexuality may be the most subjective aspect of human experience. If you want to do something useful for your sex life, focus on yourself and the person you've having sex with – and don't turn away. We need self-knowledge on a sexual level. How do we learn about ourselves, explore ourselves? How can we gain more sexual confidence? Ignore your body:  None of us have perfect bodies. It's not always easy, but working with the body you've got is one crucial part of improving your sex life. Knowing your body and its responses leads to more pleasure! Tons of surveys show that guys are not complaining about their partner's rear end. If he wants to sleep with you, he finds you attractive. Don't talk him out of it! If there's any way to free your energy from body anxiety – and put it into having fun with him –  you'll enjoy many more good times ahead. Some people struggle to get fully into their bodies and remain stuck in their heads. Some have trouble relaxing enough to enjoy any kind of sex. Learning to massage and be massaged (Sensate Focus Exercises) might help your body put down its armor. Stop paying attention: Sexuality is as much about awareness as it is about action. Our bodies and minds keep changing, developing over the years – and so does our sexuality. When you stop paying attention to your personal sexual feelings and experiences, you shut yourself off from aspects of your sexual self. The goal is to become less sexually ignorant as we age, not more.   Grow up, get serious: Sex is the closest thing adults have to the kind of play we engaged in when we were kids. (The native Inuit people of Alaska call sex “laughing time.”) If you make sex just one more thing that's serious and routine, you lose much of the power and the magic of sex. Perhaps sex doesn't need to have a beginning, middle and an end. Don't start with penetration … laugh and play together!   Believe that ignorance is bliss: Learn something about sex that's relevant to your own life from someone who is qualified to teach you!   Confuse sex entertainment with sex education: Good Vibrations offers classes and training that provide sex education. Porn can be a problem; for example, boys watching porn and expecting their experiences to mirror it. If you are feeling genuinely stuck and distressed about your sex life, be sure and turn to a qualified sex counselor or therapist.   Let fear be your guide:  Sex can be scary … in part because sex demands that we give up control and expose ourselves. Thus, many don't talk about their desires, don't tell their partners what they really want to do. If you're in a safe relationship where there is trust, there is less to fear.   The show turned back to masturbation. What are some of the best-selling sex toys? Dr. Diana's newest favorite toy is the Lelo Sona Cruise, a sonic “clit sucker.” Dr. Carol talked about the recent clit sucking revolution in toy technology. It's a different kind of stimulation – perhaps closest to oral sex.   There is a wealth of products and educational material available at www.goodvibrations.com. In addition, check out Dr. Carol's book The Sex & Pleasure Book. It a magnificent guide for great sex for everyone!  

Comprehensive Sex Education Often Prevents Unwanted Pregnancies   Studies by the federal government and others show that young people's sexual risk-taking is actually promoted by ignorance, not knowledge. Social liberals and conservatives appear to hold polar opposite views on sex education. Conservatives often present the idea that sex for teens is dangerous. My guest, Dr. Carol Queen, is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women's pleasure. Dr. Carol has lived in San Francisco for 35 years, and remembers that her city lost twenty thousand residents due to AIDS in the 1980s and 90s. This led San Francisco to institute a comprehensive sex-education program in grades five, six, and seven. Even so, this program never mentioned sex without intercourse, such as hand jobs and oral sex. The belief was that the idea of teaching pleasure would be too much of a risk. Parents need sex education, too. When they are more confident, they are better at sexually educating their kids. The Journal of Sex Research published a study demonstrating that the likelihood that adolescents will have intercourse decreases as the number of sexual topics they discuss with their parents increases. This study was repeated by entirely different researchers the following year, with the same results. When sex education (through the schools and/or parents) is comprehensive, teens examine their sexual decisions far more carefully and wisely. Studies show that many with better information choose to postpone intercourse and to use contraception when they do begin to have intercourse. Sex education that simply teaches “just say no” to sex is unrealistic and ineffective. A CDC study shows that only 12% of those who take virginity vows keep them – a failure rate of 88%. Research about teen pregnancies in all 50 states showed that abstinence-only sex education is ineffective in preventing teen pregnancy and may actually contribute to it. Dr. Carol recommends this excellent book by Heather Corinna: S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens & Twenties. She also suggests “A Sexplanation” a movie by Alex Liu. “In his quest for a good sex education, health reporter Alex Liu meets with educators from Planned Parenthood to Porn-Hub to strip away shame from sexuality.”  Dr. Diana and Dr. Carol also discussed the criminalizing of bodily autonomy because Roe v. Wade may likely be overturned. Anti-abortion laws have wide-ranging public health, economic, and social consequences. It's been shown that women denied abortions experience more poverty, have more anxiety, and their existing children experience developmental consequences. Anti-abortion laws can also be deadly: research asserts that overturning Roe could lead to a 21% increase in pregnancy-related deaths. Bodily autonomy is a human right. Abortion is essential health care. Period.

Cannabis for Couples   Jordan Tishler, MD, is a cannabinoid specialist physician based in Boston (although he sees patients from anywhere via telemedicine visits). He's the perfect guest for today—April 19th—one day short of the annual cannabis celebration of “4/20”! Dr. Tishler graduated from both Harvard College and Harvard Medical School. Bryan Brewer, Dr. Diana's husband, joined as the cohost.   Dr. Tishler was quoted in a recent New York Times article titled “Cannabis for Better Sex? Here's What the Science Says.” Although the research has room for improvement, some studies indicate that using cannabis can help with sexual concerns such as low desire, inability to reach orgasm, erectile and ejaculatory dysfunctions, and others. Dr. Tishler recommends trying cannabis alone for the first few times and masturbating, in order “to understand what it does to the body and sensations.” Then introduce its use with a partner.   A key piece of his advice is to “start low and go slow.” Finding the right dosage is critical. Too little and you won't feel much of the effects. Too much and you can become overwhelmed, which can eventually lead to the development of tolerance. (Don't worry—you can't die from an overdose of cannabis!)   To find the right dosage, Dr. Tishler advises patients to start with inhaling one puff from a cannabis flower vaporizer (not cannabis oil), which would typically deliver about 5mg of THC, the main psychoactive molecule in cannabis. He suggests that most people will benefit from a dosage ranging between 5mg and 20mg of THC. (Edibles and tinctures are too slow to take effect for sex, and smoking cannabis is not good for the lungs.) He also maintains that there is no particular “strain” of cannabis that works best for sex (or any other purpose).   There are many pleasures to be found by combining cannabis and sex. It can help with orgasms. The more intense orgasms you have, the more it strengthens the bond between the partners and motivates you to have even more sex!   Dr. Tishler is an articulate and tireless advocate for patients seeking to take advantage of the benefits of medical cannabis. His blog site has more than 200 articles exploring many aspects of this topic. In addition, he is the founder of the Association of Cannabinoid Specialists, an organization of professionals offering evidence- and experience-based education for patients, cannabis clinicians, referring clinicians, and lawmakers to help them understand cannabis medicine and make informed decisions. You can also view the site's listing of cannabis clinicians to find a provider near you.   Dr. Diana, author of Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine, offers a free download of the bonus chapter entitled “Cannabis for Couples” at www.DearDrDiana.com.    

Transgender Acceptance in Our Culture   How do cultural issues affect sexuality and sex education? Dr. Mark Schoen, founder of Sex Smart Films—the “Netflix of Sex Education”—has the answers. The website, with more than 650 films, is divided into sections on Research, Therapy, and Education. We focused on Education, which provides accurate information on a very wide range of sexual and gender issues. The 3-minute animated film “'What's Gay?' Asked Mae”, directed by Mark Schoen and based on the book of the same name by Brian McNaught, recently won the award for BEST ANIMATION at the 2022 LGBTQ+ Toronto Film Festival. (The answer to the question: It is a way to love.)   Cori, an M-to-F trans person, joined the conversation. Offering her articulate and poignant personal observations, she spoke of her transitioning journey. She shared her motivations, fears, and lessons of self-evolution. Cori had viewed Dr. Mark's award-winning film “TRANS” and was brought to tears. For so many others the film truly resonated: there are more than 250 reviews (average 4.5 stars out of 5) on the Amazon page for “TRANS” (available on DVD and Prime Video). One reviewer observed, “One of the best documentaries I've ever watched. For anyone with a loved one or someone they care about who is transgender, this film will educate and inform you. It also happens to be very moving. Nothing is sugar-coated here, but I also did not walk away with a feeling of despondency.”   Yes, there is hope!  Especially if you have more information which can be empowering. One academic observed after viewing “TRANS”: “Who the fuck would choose this?”   There are, of course, roadblocks. The Florida legislators recently passed the “Don't Say Gay” bill. It has been used as a vehicle to marginalize and attack LGTBQ people. And it sends a terrible message to our youth that there is something wrong with them. Now the bill is standing between children and their teachers and doctors.   Please tune in to hear two authentic, passionate guests – Dr. Mark and Cori! Mark Schoen asks, “What can we do to make it more acceptable?” The program is filled with ideas. An important one is that sexual orientation education should be taught early on. (The Scandinavian countries have sex ed for children five and up.) Then, we might enjoy more acceptance and less anxiety!      

THE ONLINE DATING SCENE for THOSE OVER 50   Dr. Diana and Dr. Linda De Villers (www.DrLindaDeVillers.com), longtime friends and colleagues, brought different perspectives to the conversation. Dr. Linda is recently single and has just begun online dating. Dr. Diana was widowed in 2000 and was on and off dating sites until 2010 when she met her man, now her husband! As sex therapists, both docs have single clients wanting guidance around online dating.  With patience and persistence, you can find a wonderful partner – and enjoy the search in the meantime!   For setting your online expectations, it can help to run the numbers: MEET 9 PEOPLE. Our brains are best equipped to handle five to nine options – or there may be cognitive overload. Pick nine, meet in person, then take a break while you get to know at least one. GIVE IT THREE DATES, even if you don't feel the chemistry. Attraction is important, but if someone meets your needs, you may find the attraction follows.   Writing your Profile. This is the place where potential dates get a sense of what kind of personality you have. Show your heart – people are looking for authenticity. What do you really want out of life? What's truly important to you? But don't give your life story. Focus on what you're looking for in a partner, in a relationship, and what you enjoy doing. Give interesting examples of where you like to go and what you like to read. You want to give off an air of confidence and positive energy.   Protecting yourself both online and offline. Do your due diligence, perhaps with some online searches. Set up meetings during the day in a public place. Do try to smile, laugh, and be pleasant. You can talk about why you liked the person's profile and note the similarities between the two profiles. Do mention something really interesting about yourself. Listen and ask questions about what the other person says.   Some older women fear he'll want sex right away. The reality is that plenty of people don't mind waiting, and someone who is right for you will respect your boundaries. You can say, “I'm attracted to you, but I want to slow this down” … “I don't have sex with someone this soon, so for now why don't we just kiss and cuddle.” Dr. Linda described how important TOUCH is in general; sadly, many older people have real skin-hunger.   Persevere! An estimated one-third of marrying couples in the U.S. met online!  

A PRE-VALENTINE SHOW – with a focus on SENIOR SEX   Michael Jonas knows all about romance! He and his wife Barbara were voted “Most Romantic Couple” years ago in People magazine. Michael smiles and reports that he and his wife of 58 years are “far more in love now.”   They launched their first game in 1981 – An Enchanting Evening – and other games have followed. Romance & Intimacy and Dating & Conversation games have sold well: 950,000 hard-copies. Now they're available in a downloadable format – www.TimeforTwo.com.   Dr. Diana has known the Jonas' for 30 years, and loves their games -- especially An Enchanting Evening.  The game helps start conversations … then, sexual activity!   Michael Jonas and Dr. Diana discussed characteristics of long-term lovers. They can be hot and warm: flying high on dopamine (novelty comes with exploring/experimentation), while also floating in a warm bath of bonding. There may be lots of emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch, and erotic exploration. Security often leads to good sex. As we grow somewhat more dependent, we may feel more vulnerable. Ongoing passion requires security; in fact, if you have the slightest amount of fear, your brain can shut down your arousal. Partners who develop a strong sense of attachment can be years into the relationship and still find the sex is infinitely pleasurable. Excitement can evoke desire! Fun and challenging activities support a lasting libido.   Older women can better ask for what they want in bed. She is more assertive. Michael talks about leaving your ego in a drawer … men often have performance issues, women body anxiety issues.     The biggest challenge for all of us as we age is maintaining good health and a positive attitude. Regarding the latter – be open to new experiences, erotic thoughts, and laughing with your lover! Playfully tease visually and verbally to create and heighten sexual desire. Playing the games offered on www.TimeforTwo will jumpstart a romantic Valentine's Day!     Also, get the free download of Dr. Diana's Guide to Planning your 2022 Valentine's Date Night at Home.  

Dr. Lori Buckley knows all about sex toys! On her Stuff of Love website, you will find many toys she has researched and tested. There are other products, including CPR: Connection, Passion and Romance, a card deck game and conversation starter created by Dr. Lori. For example, a “Romance” card suggests – Gaze into your partner's eyes and tell them all the things you love about them. Dr. Diana recommends a version of this called “Soul Gazing.” Sitting about two feet from each other, look deeply into each other's eyes, trying to see into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw. Games of romance, like CPR, can be used for a couple's play date. Fluent in Italian, Dr. Lori will return to Italy this year in March. She loves the sensuality, the language, and the slower pace in that country. For her, the great resignation of COVID became the great realization: relax, show down, take a walk, enjoy life and the simple things. Last year she even moved to Napa, the Italy of America. The Italians, by Luigi Barzini, proposes that Italians only trust what they can experience: cuisine, opera, fashion, and lovemaking. It's reported that young men will share with their male friends what brings pleasure to women!   Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana also discussed female orgasms. Foreplay is crucial. During all the kissing and caressing, the nervous system starts taking notes and fires feel-good messages though the web of nerves that weave their way through your pelvis and up to your brain. This early stage is where a lot of women get tripped up because they can't silence the voices in their heads (When was the last time I had a bikini wax? Am I prepared for that 8 am meeting?) long enough to focus on the sensations. To keep your mind from wandering, it's helpful to zero in on one of your senses: focus on the smell of his skin, relish the feeling of his hands on your body, concentrate on how he tastes while you're kissing. When you're turned on, your nerves communicate to your brain that it's time to increase blood flow. The more engorged you are, the more sensitive you become to his touch. You feel safe and free to really let go! Besides being more in the moment, slow down. Ahhh, Orgasms!!!   Dr. Lori Buckley's YouTube Channel has 70 videos. Her book 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship offers more help. Dr. Lori and Dr. Diana are long-time friends … tune in to listen to their explicit conversations!  

Dr. Lori Buckley on Decisions for 2022 (and Remembering Betty White)   Sex therapist Dr. Lori Buckley returned to discuss decisions we can make in 2022, a subject she is familiar with. Her book—21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship—guides you in making key choices to enhance your pleasure and develop a more intimate connection with a partner.   But first, Dr. Diana and Dr. Lori looked at lessons we can learn from the life of beloved actress Betty White, who died on December 31, just a few weeks shy of her 100th birthday. How can we stay Golden? The first lady of television captured unique humor, timeless wisdom, and impish irreverence in The Golden Girls, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and Hot in Cleveland, among others. Wendie Malick, one of Betty's co-stars on Hot in Cleveland said, “We were so fortunate to have a mentor like her to show us that it ‘ain't over until it's over.' She gave me the courage to go into my third act.” Betty White recalled that she was born a cockeyed optimist, and that she got it from her mother. Betty always found the positive! She seemed utterly approachable, a woman whose warmth seemed to reach out to us.   Ahhh … but there was also the bawdy side of Betty. Ryan Reynolds, who played her grandson in the 2009 film The Proposal, said of her jokingly, “a typical Capricorn. Sleeps all day. Out all night boozing and snacking on men.” According to Betty, you're never too old for sexual desire. “I don't have a fella, but if Allen [her late beloved husband] – or Robert Redford – were around, we'd have a very active sex life,” she told AARP in 2010 at the age of eighty-eight. “Sexual desire is like aging – a lot of it's up here (points to her head).”   Dr. Lori spoke about her book 21 Decisions for Great Sex and a Happy Relationship. Why are decisions different? She explains, “A decision is not something you merely think about. It's something you actually do.” Fear of failing actually keeps people from trying; that's too bad, because we can learn so much from our failures. Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Do one thing a day that scares you.” Lori and Diana practiced this by taking risks over the years, mostly in their 20s and 30s. Eventually, it became easier to embrace change. Dr. Lori spoke about her decision last year to move to Napa, where she knew no one. In 2008, Dr. Diana moved to Seattle, where she also knew no one. Dr. Lori emphasizes how important it is to be clear about what one really wants. (You can find lots more from Dr. Lori at her Stuff of Love online store and her Stuff of Love YouTube Channel.)   One final reflection on Betty White: people will remember her as a good person. People will remember how she made them feel – as they laughed. Betty White was quick-witted, aged successfully, and was so universally admired!  

Intentional Pleasure with Masturbation & Vibrators   Masturbation is a touchy area! Dr. Carol Queen informs and entertains as she talks about masturbation and vibrators. She is Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations, a nationwide chain of sex toy stores. Since 1990 Dr. Carol has enjoyed a unique platform to focus on sex education and women's pleasure. She is also the historian and curator of GV's Antique Vibrator Museum in San Francisco. Her sex education is published in The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone. This is the ultimate how-to, why-to, what-to book about sex!   Dr. Carol the Historian: Masturbation therapy for women is not altogether new. Genital massage was a common medical treatment for sexually frustrated women going all the way back to Hippocrates' day. At the time, the doctors lacked batteries and so had to make do with fingers (or, often, those of a midwife). Electricity came along and by 1917 there were more electric vibrators than there were appliances! “Pelvic massage” for hysteria persisted all the way through the Victorian era and into the twentieth century. As a medical diagnosis, “hysteria” was removed from the DSM in 1980.   Dr. Carol and Dr. Diana discussed pleasure – our birthright – and how little focus there is on it in our sex education, in our culture, and among our medical practitioners. Because there is little attention to pleasure, arousal is not addressed. Sex toys can really assist with arousal! Excitement is higher partly because there is more blood flow to the genitals. The group of toys called the “clit suckers” are really HOT, and amp up the intensity!    2022 is just around the corner. What are your sexual intentions? The Sex and Pleasure Book ends with this:  “Forty years ago Good Vibrations dreamed of a radical life where pleasure was your birthright.  …  (you) desperately want to experience their authentic sexual selves … What do you think the future of sex will be? How do you see your own sexual future?”  

A Chat With Barbi Benton   Barbi Benton and I have been good friends for 23 years, and this show focused on Barbi's adventurous life! My friend is the real deal … she's authentic, bright, beautiful, talented and FUN! Perhaps she is most famous for being Hugh Hefner's girlfriend for eight years, more than fifty years ago.   We spoke about her childhood in Sacramento where she and another five-year-old—Joan Lunden (of TV anchor fame)—learned and performed the hula. When she moved to Hawaii she joined a hālau hula to learn traditional dance forms. When I lived in Hawaii I watched Barbi dance a “real” hula. She explained they studied the Hawaiian language and learned many meanings to the song. She peeled away the layers, so when she dances, the meaning comes through the face, the body, the hands and feet – from everywhere.   Our conversation returned to Hef and the Playboy Era. They met when she danced, at age 18, in the Playboy After Dark television show. Barbi tells the story that when Hef first asked her out on a date, she said, “Gee I don't know. I've never dated anyone over 24 before,” to which Hef, then 42, responded, “That's all right, neither have I.” She found the Playboy Mansion for him. (Hef bought it for $1.1 million in 1971, and it sold in 2016 for $100 million). Barbi always had a good eye for real estate! She introduced Hef to travel. He bought a plane so that they could arrive fresh to their various European locations. Lots of adventure stories and many interactions with celebrities. Listen for the juicy details!  

Senior Sexuality   Joan Price's candid, upbeat manner has led the media to dub her a “senior sexpert.”  Dan Savage is among her fans: “Joan Price is one of the smartest thinkers about sex, regardless of your age – or hers!” Joan's books include Naked at our Age, Better Than I Expected, Ageless Erotica, and Sex After Grief.   Joan and Dr. Diana spoke of their own “L.A.T.” relationships. L.A.T. – “Living Apart Together” – is a long-term, committed romantic connection without intent to share a home. If not living under the same roof, date night anticipation can heighten sexual desire! Cultivating your individuality and personal fulfillment can foster growing intimacy and trust.   The conversation then moved to “Sex Toys for Seniors.” Joan has been a sex toy reviewer for 15 years—evaluating each toy from a senior's perspective. She can offer guidance about how to choose the best one(s)?  What do you do if a partner doesn't like the sex toy idea? Sex tech has come a long way, and now there are clit-sucking sex toys. They work by using a combination of air, suction, and a little vibration – all to facilitate orgasm! There are lots of juicy bits as Dr. Diana interviews her guest Joan Price. Please listen – no matter your age!

A Tribute to Betty Dodson with Dr. Carol Queen   Thanks to Betty Dodson, millions of women have known orgasmic bliss … What a legacy! And there is so much more to Dr. Dodson's legacy. Exploring all of this with Dr. Carol Queen, author of The Sex & Pleasure Book, was such an enlightening experience! As someone who was mentored by Betty, Dr. Carol just returned from New York City where she participated in the memorial for her at the Museum of Sex. Betty died last year on Halloween at the age of 91. The museum has a wing devoted to BAD (Betty A. Dodson), her art, sex education, and videos. Indeed, she has been one of the most important voices for women's sexual pleasure and health for more than five decades. She spoke about Western civilization's war on female sexual pleasure. Betty promoted pleasure as one of the main drivers of sexual arousal and personal well-being.   BAD's first book, Liberating Masturbation (1974, out of print) became a feminist classic. Her book Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving (reissued 1996) sold over a million copies. In 2007, Betty teamed up with Carlin Ross to develop a new website www.DodsonandRoss.com. The two women based their content on questions asked from people around the world. Her Bodysex Workshops taught women how to overcome negative body image, pleasure anxiety, ignorance, and shame. In her book Sex for One, she said, “The most consistent sex will be the love affair you have with yourself. Masturbation will get you through childhood, puberty, romance, marriage and divorce, and it will see you through old age.”   Dr. Diana last visited Dr. Betty in 2010 in her NYC apartment. We spoke of her memoir where she reported an actual bird's visit one night. This was a sacred experience that taught Betty patience to wait until the morning when the bird could have the daylight to see her way out. The bird was a “divine visitor” who offered Betty this message: When the time is right, the light will be there to see your way out. October 31, 2020 was Betty's time. The light saw her out … leaving some sensual/sexual light behind for those of us who loved and admired her.  

Sizzling Sex for Life   Michael Castleman (www.GreatSexGuidance.com) has answered more than 12,000 sex questions. By listening to this show and buying his latest book Sizzling Sex for Life: Everything You Need to Know to Maximize Erotic Pleasure at Any Age, you'll have all your questions answered. You can also check out his Psychology Today sexuality blog, which has attracted more than 50 million views. This makes Castleman the world's most popular sex writer!   Michael and Diana first discussed how porn is miseducation. He says porn misleads men about themselves, women, and lovemaking. It turns out porn gets a lot wrong, including: everyone is hot to trot all the time; and there is almost no whole-body caressing, and little kissing. They also talked about sex that is not penis-centered but more whole-body, sensuality focused. It really helps to have at least 20 minutes of non-genital play, including massage, before penetration. Trading foot massages can be so enjoyable … and healthy!   Although you won't hear much about this from the sex-negative crowd, Michael and Diana discussed the many healing benefit of sex, both solo and partnered. These include:   Relaxation is at the top of the list. Castleman points out that orgasm is deeply relaxing, and that deep relaxation helps treat many potentially serious conditions: anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, and heart disease. Regular sex offers similar benefits. Pain relief comes because sex is distracting and it releases endorphins, the body's natural analgesic. In addition, sex is exercise. One of the nation's leading causes of chronic pain is osteoarthritis. The Arthritis Foundation recommends regular sex. Prostate cancer prevention is an important health benefit. Frequent ejaculations, solo or with a partner, help clear germs from a man's genitourinary tract. Sex makes you happier. It's no secret that people get a smile on their face after having sex. Research shows that the release of DHEA during sex provides a natural anti-depressant and mood enhancer. Some studies show that regular sex can be as much as 10 times more effective than traditional prescription anti-depressants. The fountain of youth can be found between the sheets!   Michael Castleman's Sizzling Sex for Life is completely evidence-based, citing some 2,500 studies.  His advice is often imbued with humor and compassion! To quote Dr. Eli Coleman: “The most practical, authoritative, and comprehensive sexuality guide ever written.” You are well advised to buy this book to learn everything you need to maximize your erotic pleasure at any age!  

Narcissism and Relationships   If a narcissist is part of your life—as a spouse, partner, lover—you may need a game plan to survive. Dr. Linda De Villers, author of author of Love Skills and Simple Sexy Food, joined Dr. Diana again. This time the two friends and sex therapists spoke about overt and covert narcissism in men. The overt narcissist is more extraverted; perhaps he needs to be the center of attention or maybe he's an entitled playboy. The covert narcissist is more introverted; he is more subtle, but still craves admiration and importance.   What about childhood influences? A solid sense of self is the bedrock for life. Freud theorized—and modern research has confirmed—that this sense of who you are develops between the ages of one and three. That's when the small child comes to understand that he is important, but not the center of the universe. If a parent is too indulgent or self-absorbed to give what is needed, the sense of self may be stunted.   Who's a narcissist? It's true: most of us act selfishly at times. But we psychotherapists consider a person “narcissistic” when the following kinds of behavior are persistent and pervasive: shamelessness, entitlement, arrogance, exploitation, and poor boundaries.   How about living with a narcissist? Good relationships are based on reciprocity: you listen attentively and empathetically to the other person's joys and sorrows, and vice versa. With a narcissist, it's a one-way street. Researchers have found that narcissism is closely tied to perfectionism, making narcissists extremely demanding and hypercritical of others.   What about sexual narcissism? In the bedroom these guys require constant stroking (of the ego, primarily), and they tend not to be generous lovers. Another sign of sexual narcissism in both men and (some) women is a compulsive need for new conquests. He needs praise from lots of women. The narcissist may have trouble working on relationships once they get beyond the first, blissful stage of falling in love. They don't want to think about improving things; they only want to hear how wonderful they are.   Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana agree that maybe the best way to identify narcissists is how they make you feel. They can be masters at off-loading onto others the emotions they can't handle, such as their shame, their rage, their inadequacy. It may be hard to stay in a narcissistic relationship for a long time. It's necessary to realize that no amount of effort on your part is going to fill these narcissists up, to complete them as human beings.   Do you need some expert advice about narcissism and relationships? Go to the Dear Dr. Diana website to submit your question.

World Sexual Health Day   Dr. Lori Buckley (www.drloribuckley.com) and Dr. Diana looked at how sexual pleasure can be profoundly healing and very good for our overall health. Sex drive decreases gradually with age in most men and women, but women are two to three times more likely to be affected by a decline in sex drive as they age. Many women just don't have the energy to rekindle the flame of passion. An estimated 40 million American women struggle with diminished libido, and additional data suggests that up to 63% of women experience some degree of sexual dysfunction during their lives. Low sexual desire is their most frequent concern.   The two sex therapists had a lively and often personal discussion of what to do. Hormones were the centerpiece of their discussion. It's essential that you do thorough research to find the right, experienced doctor for such an individual decision. For many women, including the host and her guest, Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy – BHRT – is the answer. Estrogen, progesterone and testosterone especially affect our sexuality, intimately shaping our experiences of love, attraction, and arousal. Dr. Lori's phrase: “Stay juicy and jazzed”!   Testosterone is Dr. Diana's favorite hormone because it's so vital to inspiring and maintaining those two states! Testosterone, with the assistance of estrogen, stimulates nerve receptors in your brain, igniting your pleasure circuitry and setting sexual feelings and arousal in motion. More good news: testosterone can give an added jolt to your sexuality by increasing your clitoris's sensitivity to touch. Testosterone can also increase your sense of wellbeing. Research has shown that “t” plays a role in modulating the actions of dopamine, a brain chemical that allows you to feel joy and pleasure. When women have deficient dopamine, they often experience a low sex drive as well as feelings of hopelessness and decreased ability to handle stress.   The information in this show can dramatically improve your quality of life. And you can benefit from dozens of suggestions and exercises in Dr. Diana's book, Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. It's true … sex can definitely improve your appearance and your relationship!  

The Gray Divorce: ending a relationship in later years. Dr Diana's return guest Dr. Linda De Villers (www.drlindadevillers.com) is a sex therapist, Professor, and author of “Love Skills” and “Simple Sexy Food.” Both Dr. Diana and Dr. Linda have seen older couples who end their relationships after 20, 30, or 40 years. Breakups among long-married couples are actually pretty common: a quarter of all recent divorces involved people who'd been married for two decades or more. They often say they grew apart. One of the biggest threats to marriage is … boredom. Other factors may be at play. Henri-Frederic Amiel observed, “To marry unequally is to suffer equally.” Another philosopher, Woody Allen, said, “A relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we've got on our hands is a dead shark.” In a partnership there has to be respect and appreciation for who your partner is, as well as for the person he or she wishes to become. Older people often see the importance of quality of life. Why not? They (we) have fewer years in front of us than behind us. Yes, mortality issues! Dr. Linda and Dr. Diana discussed attachment styles and those who do better in breakups. Also, research has shown that the more one's self worth depends on the relationship, the more suffering one is likely to feel when it ‘s over. In a breakup, one can get rejection relief by finding and working with a good therapist. The therapist can help the client cultivate more self-love. To be kind and forgiving of what they did or did not do in their marriage – and to be able to experience emotion without getting stuck in anger, sadness, or regret.

What really turns women on? The answer to that question has been the subject of countless books and articles offering strategies and seduction techniques on how to bed a woman – and keep her coming back for more. Helping men become amazing lovers is but one skill that Dr. Hernando Chaves possesses. He is a sex therapist in private practice and a human sexuality professor at Pepperdine University (www.DrHernandoChaves.com). Last time, April 6, 2021, Dr Hernando and Dr. Diana focused on helping men overcome performance anxiety. Now it's the ladies' turn! Women love incredible sex just as much as men do. Yet many men don't know how to really pleasure a woman sexually. Listen to this show for some amazing tips!   We started with paying attention.  Pure, non-distracted attention is so seductive and quite affirming! When your partner tells you her thoughts, feelings, desires – really listen. Another way to pay attention is to do nice things for your Love, showing that you are thinking about her. Bringing coffee in the morning to your mate … and the list goes on and on.   Take your time. Some Tantric erotic techniques can be useful – and so is the nuru massage originating in Japan. Put down a rubber sheet on a bed, slather your naked bodies with coconut oil, and slip and slide together. Such fun! The more we're touched, the more we want to be touched. It gets the oxytocin flowing, which creates a stronger bond. And, don't forget the feet. A Korean study found that couples who exchanged foot massages twice a week fought less and communicated better than less touchy couples. Dr. Hernando and Dr. Diana also talked about the art and science of cunnilingus. There's so much more … You'll want to hear all of this show!

Getting Back Out There – Part 2 Dr. Ashley Mader (www.ourshine.org) returned to talk with Dr. Diana about how to mentally prepare to return to the dating scene. The trick is to find the right balance of having fun, not coming off too desperate, and being yourself – which is no easy task. So how do singles mentally prepare to date?   Be present. “I always live in the present. The future I can't know. The past I no longer have.” – Fernando Pessoa Be present with friends. Engage in conversations and genuinely listen to understand, not just to respond. Being present helps focus your energy on the things that matter right now.   Consider therapy. Dr. Ashley offers a free 20-minute consultation via telehealth. If the potential client wants to continue, it will become a full hour therapy session. Here are some other resources for accessing therapy, either in person or online: Psychology Today directory of therapists, BetterHelp.com, and TalkSpace.com. Getting mental health support is healthy, and can help you work on yourself before or while you're looking for love.   Read a book. “Think before you speak. Read before you think.” – Fran Lebowitz Many self-help books have advice on how to change your love life: for example, by noticing the patterns about your last choices. Also, learning more about your wants and needs is important. A classic book is The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman. There is a free quiz on www.5LoveLanguages.com. The book helps you to understand how you prefer to give versus receive love – they shouldn't always be the same.   As you find your way back into the dating scene, also check out Dr. Diana's book Love in the Time of Corona: Advice from a Sex Therapist for Couples in Quarantine. The book's timeless advice and practical exercises are helpful for couples even beyond this pandemic.   Dr. Ashley and Dr. Diana agree: Life choices and self-improvement can open us to the potential bounty of our lives!