Podcasts about try babbel

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 24, 2019 43:57

Emotional manipulation by your partner is a powerful tool that can have negative impacts on your relationship and well being. Listen to today's show to learn how your partner might be emotionally manipulating you and how to deal with it. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: How to recognize emotional manipulation and its various forms that include stonewalling, shutting down and gas lighting How to communicate with your partner regarding their emotional manipulation Recognizing that your partner has an agenda with their use of emotional manipulation How to deal with the 'silent treatment' And much more! Nancy F. Lee, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Lee is a leading practitioner of cognitive behavior therapy and specializes in a wide range of behavioral health issues ranging from depression and anxiety to male/female psychosexual desire and functioning. Her independent research has been published in the prestigious Journal of Affective Disorders and the International Journal of Eating Disorders, among others. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/208 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. BetterHelp: Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Get 10% off your first month by visiting BetterHelp.com/IDO. Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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207: Alcohol and Relationships

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 17, 2019 36:08

Sharing a glass of wine with your partner can be a fun ritual and a great way to relax with someone you love. However, alcohol abuse and dependence can have toxic effects on individuals and relationships. Listen to today's show to learn how alcohol might be negatively effecting your relationship and how to fix it. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Understanding the differences between alcohol use, abuse and dependence Addressing alcohol dependence with your partner Determining if even a few drinks can be negatively impacting your relationship Holding each other responsible to avoid negative alcohol relationship impacts How to avoid enabling drinking behavior in your partner And much more! April Eldemire is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Bringing Baby Home Educator, and marriage and couples expert in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. She is passionately devoted to helping couples achieve thriving relationships and is a regular contributor for Psychology Today and The Gottman Institute, the most research-based center for marital health and stability. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/207 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Zola: Zola is the wedding company that will do anything for love. They are reinventing the wedding planning and registry experience to make the happiest moment in our couples’ lives even happier. From engagement to wedding and decorating your first home, Zola is there, combining compassionate customer service with modern tools and technology. All in the service of love. To start your free wedding website or registry on Zola, go to ZOLA.com/ido. Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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205: More Empathy = More Love

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 3, 2019 41:45

Not feeling loved and connected with your partner? You may not be receiving or giving enough empathy in your relationship. Listen to today's show to learn how to give or receive more empathy and create more love in the relationship. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: How to be present to the feelings of your partner and empathically listen to them Understand the importance of coming to your partner's trouble with curiosity instead of judgement Why you don't need to try to 'fix' all of your partners problems How to get in touch with our own feelings to better connect with our partner The importance of setting an intention for what we want from our partner And much more! Anna Osborn, LMFT, owner of Life Unscripted Counseling, focuses her work on inspiring individuals and couples to be more intentional and connected in their love relationship. She works with folks on improving communication, deepening intimacy, healing from betrayal and changing negative patterns of disconnection in their relationships. She hosts an annual women’s retreat in Laguna Beach, CA. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/205 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Native creates safe, simple, effective products that people use in the bathroom everyday, including some amazing deodorant! For 20% off your first purchase, visit nativedeodorant.com and use promo code IDO during checkout! Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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204: Rethinking Female Sexuality

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 26, 2019 48:29

There's a certain cultural narrative we follow about our sexuality. Female sexuality, in particular, has been largely misunderstood. New research is showing a deeper truth about female sexuality that has the ability to set both men and women free. Listen to today's show to better understand female sexuality and how it can improve your relationship. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Why it's untrue that women have a lower libido than men, and men are more promiscuous than women The differences in men and women's sexual desires and how each is triggered Unpacking the myth that monogamous relationships are easier for women How to feel more sexually comfortable in your skin And much more! Dr. Wednesday Martin is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and cultural critic. She has written on female experience and female sexuality for the New York Times, The Atlantic, Psychology Today, Time, The Daily Beast, The Hollywood Reporter, and more. She lectures across the country and around the world on female sexuality. Kirkus Review named UNTRUE one of the best books of 2018, and called it "an indispensable work of popular psychology and sociology." Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/204 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Audible: Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet including best sellers, motivation, mysteries, thrillers, memoirs, and more. Try it free for 30 days by visiting audible.com/IDO or text IDO to 500500 Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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203: Loving Through Your Differences

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 19, 2019 36:54

Breaking News! You're different from your partner. Sometimes we love our partner for their differences, other times differences create extraordinary conflict. Listen to today's show to learn the relationship tools to navigate the personal differences in your relationship. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: The importance of understanding that many of our differences come from how we individually perceive things How to share your feelings instead of judgments Communication skills to compromise on your differences Learn an AMAZING exercise to help problem solve in your relationship And much more! James L. Creighton, Ph.D., is the author of Loving through Our Differences and several other books. He has worked with couples and conducted communications training for nearly 50 years around the world. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/203 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. BetterHelp: Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Get 10% off your first month by visiting BetterHelp.com/IDO. Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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202: Functional Medicine, CBD And Sexual Health

Play Episode Listen Later Jun 13, 2019 42:31

A solid foundation of health can be one of the first steps to improving your sex life. Functional medicine provides many 'non-traditional' ways to improve this foundation from a holistic and innovative perspective. Listen to today's show to learn about the medicine and techniques you can explore to improve your overall sexual health. In this episode, we discuss relationship advice topics that include: The benefits of CBD oil for sexual and overall health and stress reduction Why a low inflammation diet is a key component to sexual health How nitric oxide improves erections and female sexual health and where to get more of it Alternative therapies for erectile dysfunction The importance of sleep for your sexual health And much more! Dr. Amy Killen MD is an anti-aging and regenerative physician specializing in sexual optimization and aesthetics. An international speaker, teacher, author and clinical practice owner, Dr. Killen is an outspoken advocate for empowering patients to look and feel their best by merging lifestyle modification, hormone optimization, personalized medicine, and regenerative therapies. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/202 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. BetterHelp: Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Get 10% off your first month by visiting BetterHelp.com/IDO. Spark My Relationship Course: For a limited time, get access to our bonus, Mastering Money Talk In Your Marriage! Visit SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock for our special offer just for our I Do Podcast listeners! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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187: The 'In It' Moment That Kills Relationships

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 27, 2019 51:15

We've all been there... Your blood begins to boil. Your temperature rises. Your body becomes tense as you prepare for a 'fight' with your partner. These moments could be small disagreements or big picture arguments. The 'in it' moment where we have the choice to go down the path of healing or destruction can be pivotal for the health of your relationship. Listen to today's show to learn how to navigate these moments in a better way. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Why 'my way or the highway' is a terrible approach to relationship disagreements Regulating our emotions when we're upset or in a disagreement with our partner The desire to be heard and understood for relationship growth Stopping emotional reactivity in it's tracks Understanding that your partner has unique needs and feelings And much more! For more than 22 years, Maureen Hosier, PhD has specialized in the troubled dynamics of individuals in their romantic relationships and in their family and work place relationships. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/187 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Hourglass Cosmetics: Get free shipping with your purchase of a full-sized Caution Mascara! Experience unparalleled, next-generation performance by visiting HourglassCosmetics.com/IDO, and use promo code IDO at checkout. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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186: How To Know If They're 'The One'

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 22, 2019 39:45

The choice to spend your life with another individual is a big one. It's important to ask yourself certain questions to understand why you're in a relationship with a particular individual. Whether you're single, dating or married, today's show will help guide you toward a better relationship future. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Why the alignment of values is critical to a successful relationship. How to make a clear partner choice without 'love chemicals' getting in the way. Understanding how your partner manages conflict as a key determinant of a successful relationship. The myth of the 'soulmate'. How to engage in future oriented thinking for your relationship. And much more! Dr. Cassandra Bolar has a passion to see families flourish and thrive. For over 13 years, she has been engaged in community-based programming and research efforts that focus on improving outcomes for children and their families. Clinically, she is passionate about serving marital couples through therapy and relationship education, and has created the Marriage Head Start premarital curriculum. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/186 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Native creates safe, simple, effective products that people use in the bathroom everyday, including some amazing deodorant! For 20% off your first purchase, visit nativedeodorant.com and use promo code IDO during checkout! If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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184: Recovering From Betrayal In Relationships

Play Episode Listen Later Feb 6, 2019 38:45

You betrayed me! Those are three words no one wants to say or hear. Whether it's with a close friend, romantic partner or family member, betrayal can feel terrible. Listen to today's show to learn how to deal with betrayal in relationships. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Why betrayal can feel like a punch in the gut and how to ease the hurt. Learn the things to examine to determine if a relationship can be healed after a betrayal. The stages of recovery after a betrayal. How to heal and create a new world view after betrayal. How to navigate the process if you are someone who has betrayed another person. And much more! Dr. Debi Silber, founder of The PBT Institute, is a Transformational Psychologist and a health, mindset, and personal development expert. She's an award-winning speaker, coach and author of the Amazon #1 Bestselling book: The Unshakable Woman: 4 Steps to Rebuilding Your Body. Her doctoral study led to two discoveries around how women experience and heal from betrayal. Based on her findings, along with 27 years of health, mindset and lifestyle coaching, she's created a proven approach to help women heal (physically, mentally and emotionally) from a life crisis, specializing in betrayal. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/184 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Modern Fertility is the first comprehensive fertility hormone test for women, that you can take at home. Take the fertility quiz and get $20 off your first kit at ModernFertility.com/IDO If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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181: Can I Be Friends With My Ex?

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 18, 2019 45:44

It's one of the cliche relationship situations that everyone seems to have a strong opinion on. Can we be friends with our ex's or members of the opposite sex? Of course we can! However, the answer is not always simple. Sometimes the answer is NO WAY! Listen to today's episode to navigate the minefield of friendship with ex-lovers and the opposite sex when you're currently in a relationship. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: The important questions to ask yourself when there is a desire to be friends with an ex or member of the opposite sex. How the 'drug' of your former partner can send misleading signals and pull you back toward them. Why it's OK to be attracted to other people outside of your relationship. The difference between jealousy and jealous behavior. The monogamish movement and how to think about it. John Kim LMFT, The Angry Therapist, pioneered the online life coaching movement seven years ago after going through a divorce which led to his total re-birth. He quickly built a devoted following of tens of thousands of fans who loved the frank and authentic insights that he freely shared on social media. John became known as an unconventional therapist who worked out of the box, and when he built out a coaching team of his own, launched an entire movement to change the way we change. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/181 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Audible: Audible has the largest selection of audiobooks on the planet including best sellers, motivation, mysteries, thrillers, memoirs, and more. Try it free for 30 days by visiting audible.com/IDO or text IDO to 500500 If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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Growth: Paul Jarvis on Resilience, Autonomy, Speed and Simplicity

Beyond the To-Do List

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 8, 2019 51:55

Paul Jarvis is a web designer, best-selling author and gentleman of adventure. Paul has a reputation as the designer whose vision and web design strategy is the prime catalyst for building multi-million dollar businesses. He’s worked with Silicon Valley startups, pro sports athletes, Fortune 500 companies, best-selling authors and the world’s biggest entrepreneurs. Paul has ben on the show once before which you can find here. Paul’s new book is Company of One: Why Staying Small Is the Next Big Thing for Business. In this episode he and Erik talk about staying small and avoiding growth to have freedom to pursue more meaningful pleasures in life, and avoid the headaches that result from dealing with employees, long meetings, or worrying about expansion. Company of One introduces this unique business strategy and explains how to make it work for you. Mentioned in this episode: Jobscan – Use promo code ‘beyond’ to get 10% off Babbel – Try Babbel for free! Textexpander – Get 20% off your first year!

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180: Caring For Ageing Parents And The Affects On Your Relationship

Play Episode Listen Later Jan 2, 2019 47:23

You can choose your friends but not your family....so the saying goes. For some of us, family is fun and a joy to be around. For others, not so much. In either case, relationship dynamics with our parents and extended families can create pressure and stress on our marriage or relationship. Listen to today's show to learn how to deal with family challenges and not let them negatively affect your relationship. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: How to care for an aging parent in a productive way that does not negatively impact your relationship Compromising with both your partner and your parents in regards to each person's needs Communicating with other family members in productive and meaningful ways. For example, balancing the work between siblings who care for an aging parent Feeding your relationship when dealing with an aging or needy parent And much more! Linda Fodrini-Johnson, MA, MFT, CMC, has been a Professional Geriatric Care Manager and a Licensed Marriage Family Therapist for over 30 years. She is the Founder of Eldercare Services, a comprehensive Care Management, Counseling and Home Care Company and ran the very first Alzheimer's Dementia Care program in the San Fransico East Bay area for 6 years. Linda is a past President of the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers now called the Aging Life Care Association. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/180 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. Hourglass Cosmetics: Get free shipping with your purchase of a full-sized Caution Mascara! Experience unparalleled, next-generation performance by visiting HourglassCosmetics.com/IDO, and use promo code IDO at checkout. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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169: Choose Intimacy Over Fear – Core Relationship Principles #4 – with Chloe Urban and Neil Sattin

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 27, 2018 55:08

How do you prevent fear from getting in the way of your connection? Sometimes your fears are obvious - other times they’re more subtle - but no matter what they can potentially drive a wedge between you and your partner. In the fourth episode of our “Core Relationship Principles” series, Chloe Urban and I show you exactly how to choose intimacy over fear, how to deal with the natural fears that arise, and how to identify your patterns so you can be aware enough to determine whether you’re choosing intimacy or fear in your relationship. After listening to this episode, you’ll have some solid strategies for moving past fear and embracing intimacy in your relationship even when it’s scary. And you’ll also get to hear us navigate a triggered moment during the episode itself! Can you find where it is? If you haven’t listened to the first 3 episodes in our “Core Relationship Principles” series you can do that here: Episode 126: Core Relationship Principles #1: Mutual Support without Codependence – with Chloe Urban and Neil Sattin Episode 132: Core Relationship Principles #2 – Finding Play, Humor, Fun, and Lightness – with Chloe Urban and Neil Sattin Episode 145: Core Relationship Principles #3 – Fostering Curiosity and Dismantling Limiting Stories – with Chloe Urban and Neil Sattin As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are – thank you!), this week’s episode is being sponsored by two amazing companies with special offers for you. Babbel.com is the world’s best-selling language learning app makes it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish – and many more languages. Is there a language you’ve always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and use the offer code “ALIVE” to get 50% off your first 3 months. This week’s second sponsor is James Avery Artisan Jewelry. Gifts from James Avery help tell your story – one that you and your loved one will remember for years to come. James Avery also sources their gemstones responsibly – something that’s especially important to Chloe and me as we make choices about jewelry. You can find James Avery Artisan Jewelry in their shops, in many Dillard’s stores and online at JamesAvery.com. Resources: I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello and welcome... Chloe Urban: To another episode of Relationship Alive. Neil Sattin: We are your hosts... Chloe Urban: Chloe... Neil Sattin: And Neil. [chuckle] And I'm being joined today by my lovely wife Chloe Urban, whom you've heard me talk about quite a bit, and we are here to continue our series on core relationship principles. And basically, what we're using is the vows that we made to each other when we got married as a framework for the core principles that are important when you are in a relationship with someone. And we were very intentional about the vows that we made to each other, and they were based on our work with each other and the course that we created, Thriving Intimacy, as we were really trying to get at the heart of how to help couples succeed. And of course, we want you to succeed, we also want ourselves to succeed as well. If you're interested in listening to the first three episodes in the series, they are episodes number 126, 132, and 145. So that's where you will find the first three principles, and we are here in episode number 169. Chloe Urban: Wow. That's a lot of episodes. Neil Sattin: It is a lot. Chloe Urban: Very exciting. Neil Sattin: Yeah, as I was typing that number, I was thinking, "Holy mackerel, [chuckle] that's a lot of episodes." [chuckle] Chloe Urban: So that brings us to our fourth principle... Neil Sattin: Yes. Chloe Urban: Which is also our fourth vow that we made to each other on that glorious, beautiful wedding day that we had. And the vow/principle is that we vow to choose intimacy over fear. So Neil, what does that mean to you to choose intimacy over fear? I have a lot to say about it, but I'm curious. Neil Sattin: I'm sure you do have a lot of say about that. Chloe Urban: [chuckle] What comes up for you? Neil Sattin: Well, when I was thinking about this vow in preparation for our conversation today, the first thing that jumped out at me was how easy it usually is to find yourself in a relationship with someone. Chloe Urban: [chuckle] That is very true. Neil Sattin: Now that doesn't always mean that it's easy to find someone to be in a relationship with, but once you find someone in that whatever that special sauce, that little magical click happens, [chuckle] and you're in the circuit with each other, then you're in it. That's, I think, one of the things that characterizes, most of the time, not all the time, but most of the time, the very beginning of a relationship, is that it just unfolds naturally. The process, though, of deepening your relationship and staying together and staying connected over time where you don't get stuck, where you don't get stuck in staleness or in problems, where you're able to go deeper and deeper and transform, that is what, to me, is intimacy. Intimacy is a process, an ever-deepening process, of knowing each other more deeply, knowing each other's truth more deeply, and that deepening intimacy is what allows us to also deepen our trust in each other, to uncover the things that are obstacles to a deeper connection with each other, and to get through those obstacles and experience greater joy and connection. And I think we've experienced that a bunch, right, where things have been going great and then they start to not go great [chuckle] or get tense or contracted. Chloe Urban: We never have that. [chuckle] We... I don't know what you're talking about. Neil Sattin: Well, I do appreciate the universe that you're living in right now. [chuckle] But of course we want to give everyone the sense that this... That there's reality on this. Chloe Urban: I'm completely joking, by the way. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Right, there's reality here, which is things can be awesome and then things can kinda suck at times. Chloe Urban: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And so, what we've learned is not to take the suckiness as a sign that everything is horrible and that we're doomed, but as a sign that it's time to move through something or to take something on that helps us get even more connected to each other, to build the intimacy. So I know I'm talking about intimacy as a noun like it's a thing, and like it's a process, a verb, and hopefully, I'm not confusing you, hopefully, you're getting a sense that it is kind of a multi-dimensional word that's really important to succeeding in a relationship. Neil Sattin: And then when it comes to this vow of choosing intimacy over fear. The truth is that I think most of the time when we get stuck in a relationship. It's typically because there's something about our fear or our partner's fear that's getting in the way of being in the moment with each other. There's a risk involved, there's a risk that's required to be taken when you find yourself in a place where you're stuck because the stuck-ness usually happens because you're repeating something over and over again. And so in order to stop repeating it, you have to be willing to do something different. And even that doing something different in any of us can cause fear. Because we're breaking from the norm. And you don't... When you do something different, you don't necessarily know what's going to happen. Neil Sattin: And I think that's the biggest irony is that a lot of people choose what they know. They'd rather choose to do the same thing over and over again or to just try harder at the same thing, but knowing that the results are somewhat predictable. You have to take a risk if you want a different result. And I'm talking about stuck places, but this is I think also true, where you want to really thrive, where you're not even necessarily stuck, but to accelerate or to amplify a joyous moment that also sometimes require risk, requires facing fear. And so for me personally. And Chloe, I hope you're... You got something really profound to say after this... Chloe Urban: Oh I'm ready. Neil Sattin: [chuckle] Okay, good, but for me personally, this vow and this principle of choosing intimacy over fear is all about a commitment that I have to recognize when my fear is standing in the way of deepening our connection. Whether it's my fear of being vulnerable, my fear of being in my truth my fear of hearing your truth. My fear of being in the soup together and not necessarily knowing what's going to happen and being willing to be in that unpredictable space to say, "You know what, even though I feel that fear I'm going to move through it because the intimacy that we get to create on the other side of it is worth facing the fear, it requires courage. Chloe Urban: It does require a courage. Lots of it actually. And I really love what you were saying and it's so interesting because there are so many different places to take this. I think For both of us, we value so much intimacy and even though that can be really terrifying as you were just speaking about. To me, intimacy is something that's really required to actually have a deeply fulfilling and thriving relationship, and I think actually a lot of people don't have deep intimacy in their relationships, even if they've been together 30 years who... Who really takes the time and who has the courage to fully share all of their... Their truths, even if they're terrifying to share. Chloe Urban: I think that's one of the pieces here around really being willing to be seen. To share, to see the other person you might be terrified to share because you're actually terrified of what might come back at you, you know, you were saying that the fear of sharing yourself, but also the fear of what might actually come out of the other person's mouth, and that you might actually have to be in a dance of like, Whoa, their truth right now is actually really uncomfortable for me and then how to work through it. Chloe Urban: To me, this vow is just absolutely paramount and so important it, as you were saying, requires really stepping into being vulnerable and it requires us to kind of work with our brains a little bit and to be willing... Like fear it's... Fear really comes from that primal space of protection of working with our... Basically our survival brain. And what that brings up for us and it's so interesting and can be so distorted in a lot of ways, we have these fears around giving and receiving love or around being seen, or seeing others clearly or being abandoned or even being safe with a person. Chloe Urban: You know what, maybe for me safety has always been a big piece in my life because of my past, and actually places where I actually wasn't safe in relationship or in sexual connections or to really even my parents were amazing and yet every parent [chuckle] has their moments of not being amazing and even if it's just like I gotta go to work and I can't be with you right now. There's a way in which we can internalize and then that trauma shows up in all these different ways. And so for me, this piece here of choosing intimacy over fear, it's really like, How do we overcome our traumas, overcome our survival brain, around, Is it actually safe for me to be me. Chloe Urban: Is that actually safe in this moment for me to share my deepest heartache? Or my deepest desires? And will they be received? And if they're not, how are we going to work through it and do I have trust and faith that this relationship can hold that and that in the soup pot of intimacy which almost [chuckle] feels like a soup pot, it's like it. It's all of it. The soup pot of vulnerability, the soup pot of like, what it is that I desire, and what it is that you desire. And where they work together and where they actually don't, and then how do we come together and allowing the other to fully see and be in that conversation. That's where it gets juicy and that's where we get to decide together what are we going to do, what are we going to do if we don't match up in this total moment? When I'm sharing my deepest desires or my deepest fears and we're not exactly on the same page, and it... To me, the keystone here is the courage that you were speaking about, what is it to be that courageous. To show up that fully together. To really want to be seen, held, loved, all of it, and then to really want to show up for that in your partner. Neil Sattin: Right, right, and I really want us to give a practice for you listening. So that you can start to tune in to those places where maybe fear is holding you back or getting in the way. And recognize them so that you can make the conscious choice because so much of the vow that we made, and the principle that we're illustrating here is about taking something that you might just take for granted. Well, of course, I'm in a relationship, I'm choosing intimacy over fear, right. But when it really comes down to it is that true? Are you making that choice in your day-to-day life? Chloe Urban: Right or are you just sort of on auto-pilot? Neil Sattin: Right. Chloe Urban: And I think we go in and out of auto-pilot a lot. And there are moments where it's like, Whoa. Whoa, whoa, we've been on auto-pilot about this thing for months. How did that happen? Because we are...we want consciousness in this relationship and yet, you know. we get busy or these things happen or we actually didn't realize that that fear was running us in that moment. And so it's just, it's so important to continually keep looking. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Chloe Urban: One thing that really comes up around having a practice. For me is, what is it to notice your patterning when you begin to want to hide your vulnerability. Like if that makes sense, does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Not yet. [chuckle] You know on a deep level it makes sense though. Chloe Urban: So what are your patterns? What are your patterns? Where are your ways of hiding your vulnerability of hiding from the deeper grief or yearning or desire, or joy or whatever, it is, what is it that shows up in you? For instance, you know this well, this is mine. [chuckle] This is one of my big patterns is getting edgy kind of like agitated. I get like... All of a sudden I start feeling like my heart starts to race a little bit more, and I get a little sharp. I can kind of be... Neil Sattin: A little critical. [laughter] Chloe Urban: I can be critical, I can also... It might be self-critical or towards Neil or towards the situation. It can... It just... That's when I know if I were to actually stop and instead of acting on that edge and going there if I stop and I'm like wait a second. What's underneath this? What's actually going on here? And getting curious which of course is what we are always talking about the importance of curiosity, but like, "Oh I'm going to that habit, that pattern, that place where I'm actually hiding the deeper thing here. And sometimes what I've noticed is that when I go under, there's grief sure, there's yearning there's longing there's desire it might be that I'm absolutely terrified of sharing with Neil, what I actually want or I'm actually terrified because I don't know what I want and it's very vulnerable for me to admit that I'm actually scared to know what I want, and actually speak it fully. Chloe Urban: There are all... It's fascinating when you actually catch yourself in a pattern like that, and go under a little bit, a couple layers under and see. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, that is so not what I thought it was or that it so it has nothing to do with you right now. And actually, it has everything to do with my fear or trauma patterns, or habits or actually being really uncomfortable to speak my needs, because somehow I've made it that I'm not allowed to have needs or I'm not allowed to have wants and or desires or that they're not important. And then I'm going against myself. So there's all... There are many, many, many, many things it could be, but really what comes up is like, Okay, find... really start to look at yourself over this week. What is it that makes you go into the patterns? And Neil has something to say here. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I have something vulnerable to share. [chuckle] Chloe Urban: He has something vulnerable to share. Neil Sattin: This is vulnerable because you are so clearly on a roll here and I'm so hesitant to interrupt you and yet this is the time in the show when we need to mention our amazing sponsors. [laughter] Who are helping us produce Relationship Alive week after week, so that we can be here with you, week after week. And so, let's just take a moment to talk about our sponsors and then we will continue giving you the process for how to tune in to where you are maybe choosing fear instead of intimacy. Chloe Urban: And I'm going to breathe right now. [chuckle] Knowing that just because he interrupted me that it's okay and that this is not personal, and that what I have to say is of value. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Okay, we'll be right back. [pause] Neil Sattin: Okay, thank you again to Babbel and James Avery for making this episode possible. And when we left off, Chloe was getting really passionate about this practice for first exploring what your patterns are, can you identify the ways that the things that you launch into? She was saying that for her it's getting kind of edgy maybe critical of herself or of others. For me. It's probably more akin to these are the times when I start to check out or want to just do something else or maybe I shut down, maybe I start to get kind of sleepy. These are some of the things that happen for me because I think when I start to get to my fear edge, I tend to dissociate, a little bit more rather than necessarily leaning in. Chloe Urban: Right. You almost have the more flight pattern whereas I have the fight pattern. Neil Sattin: Right. Chloe Urban: Which is just normal with the brain. Usually, you'd go to one or the other. Neil Sattin: Right? And it actually hasn't always been that way for us. I think earlier in our relationship you had more of the flight pattern. Chloe Urban: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And I was more of the fight pattern. Chloe Urban: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And when we're talking about fight or flight, and of course there's also freeze. We're talking about the ways that our biology is programmed to handle the experience of fear. Chloe Urban: Right. Neil Sattin: So, when Chloe was talking about your primal brain, the need to feel safe, the need to feel seen, the need to feel like you're not being abandoned the need to feel love, all of those things. If they get triggered because you're not feeling those things, then it's going to send you into a fear pattern. So, this identifying what is it that you do that you keep bumping your head up against that's a sign that in this stuck place, you're resorting to automatic behavior instead of being in choice, being in creativity and if you've been listening to the podcast a while you know that being in choice, and creativity that's the sign that you're in the frontal part of your brain and you can only be in the prefrontal cortex, if you are not in this triggered state. Neil Sattin: So, Chloe how do we...Once we identify... Oh yeah, this is the thing I do or this is the place where we're stuck this is the loop that we get in then how do you shift that so that you can actually... You have a way of getting unstuck, or even like when I'm imagining it, it's almost like you can see kind of a record in a groove, just for all of you. Hopefully, you know what records are, [chuckle] but it's just spinning and spinning, but it's not actually changing and you almost have to nudge it sometimes to get it to jump into a new track. So what are some ways to shift the pattern within? Chloe Urban: Yeah, so a couple of things I would say, the first thing is just stopping for a minute actually pausing. And then getting really curious and a question that I might ask myself would be something like, “If this feeling or this contraction isn't what I think it is, then what else could it be?” because then you're really setting the stage for you to get curious in yourself, of like, Whoa, for me if this edginess or anxious tension I'm feeling in my body wasn't what I thought it was. What else would it be? All of a sudden it opens up this whole other realm of possibility. For instance, it might be there's so many actually opportunities [chuckle] just in this last week to talk about, but they're... For instance, it might just be like, "Whoa I'm starting to get edgy or antsy or feeling really agitated what is going on here”. Chloe Urban: One instance, I'm thinking about was actually I just needed to cry and it actually had nothing to do with what Neil or the kids were saying or doing, and yet it was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm actually my... My friend might be sick, and I need to, I just need to cry for a minute.” Like there's a fear there that there's some grief there's something that has nothing to do with this particular situation, and yet, I'm trying to go on with my life and just pretend like nothing's really under there where there's grief or fear, but fear in a different way like fear that has nothing to do with this situation, and it's actually an unexpressed emotion under there for myself. Chloe Urban: Another situation might be that, oh whoa, I'm actually really just wanting to connect with you right now. I just want a hug. And instead of just knowing that I can ask for that and trusting myself to know that that's what I want, I'm going to agitation and what if I could just stop and be like, Hey babe I'm actually feeling a little vulnerable, right now and a little disconnected and could we... Could I have a hug or could you hold me? And just being willing to be in that vulnerability. There are so many, so many, so many things it could be, and yet if we're just going to our fight or flight pattern or freeze pattern and not getting underneath what's going on, the pattern won't change. And then you're really robbing yourself of intimacy. Neil Sattin: So often what we're responding to, isn't even what's really happening in the moment, it's our story about what's happening. [chuckle] And so, as I'm listening to you talk about some instances from the past week. Yeah, I'm thinking about how easy, especially as we start to veer into our... The fear part of our brain, it's really easy to start misinterpreting everything. That's going on and seeing it through the lens of our fear. So what you mentioned Chloe is a perfect example of feeling your agitation and being willing to ask like What else could this be getting at like. Oh, what I really want... What I really want right now is to connect. And then risking the vulnerability of asking for connection and hopefully your lucky husband [chuckle] is there to provide you with that connection. Chloe Urban: Right? And even there, if it's not the right time or he's actually not... He or she isn't feeling it, or they aren't feeling it. There's a place here, an opportunity of creating real safety with the intimate container there of like, you know, babe actually, I'm not available to fully show up in this hug right now or to hold you right now, but I can... I want to give that to you, but can we do it in 10 minutes? I just need to get in the right frame of mind or I actually need to write this email that's going to be totally taking me away from being present, so that you're honoring the request and you're being... And you're creating safety to receive a request or vice versa. So you're really creating a place where you're not just giving over if it really doesn't feel right to you, in that moment, but you're honoring and showing up for... I'm going to show up for that when I can here. And then you get to play in the soup pot of intimacy, and vulnerability and seeing how you can both work with what's happening there. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I like how that soup pot like we keep mentioning that. I think maybe we're just getting hungry because [chuckle] well, Thanksgiving is happening tomorrow here in the states, so we'll all be enjoying or many of us, hopefully, will be enjoying a nice meal. I was also thinking about a place where this can come up is if you are feeling a little disconnected sexually. Chloe Urban: Oh yeah. Neil Sattin: From your partner. And how risky it can feel to... In that situation to make a request, and a great way to handle being stuck in terms of your sexual intimacy is to just put a date on the calendar when you are going to be there with your partner. And of course, that is a huge risk because... It could be that with that date on the calendar like that's all you need, you both show up, you take your clothes off and you're good to go. [chuckle] I don't know that that's true for a lot of people. It's true, in the beginning, a lot of the time, but when you get 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, years into your relationship, you may need more than just showing up and being naked together. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: What you really probably need is to show up, be naked and be really present with each other and be willing to face the fear that if we put this date on the calendar, it may not mean that we are making love with each other, it may just mean that we show up with each other and that we're honoring each other. But being willing to step into that moment and make the commitment to that date happening, whatever actually unfolds is potentially a huge source of fear for you. What if I don't live up to my partner's expectations, I know that they really want to have sex and I'm not sure I will or vice versa? I know that I really want to. And what if they don't want to? And so wherever you or your partner fall in that spectrum, there's vulnerability that things might not work out either the way you want it or the way your partner wants it. Neil Sattin: Deep down though, if what you're choosing is intimacy, deep down, it's all about the deep connection. You can have a profoundly deep connection being in bed and grieving together, about how messed up your sex life has become, you know. [chuckle] Chloe Urban: Well, and actually, it brings up for me, not just the active scheduling or having sex or... but what if you're in the act of actually making love and something comes up and all of a sudden you're there and you're like, “Whoa, there's some fear here. I actually have a deep desire to ask for this thing and I'm terrified to ask” or I actually... “Whoa, some trauma circuit just got opened”. And the way you're touching me right now feels really not okay, and I need to be able to actually have the courage to say something about it and that takes deep, deep vulnerability. And it also is a risk in that it might "kill the mood" and then how to just be willing, both of you to be in the vulnerability of whoa here we are, we're in this moment. Chloe Urban: Wow, it's a little rocky. Oh, there's fear, there's grief, there's something here. Let's do whatever we can do to show up intimately, and be vulnerable here in this moment for each other, so that it doesn't necessarily have to derail the whole experience and yet like Whoa, I actually just needed to cry for a minute. Whoa like... And showing up in both honoring and calling each other forth to be in the intimacy instead of the fear. Neil Sattin: What I love about what you were just talking about, is that it shows that, very often sex and intimacy are aligned, those are some... Those can be some of our most deeply connected moments. And what you were just talking about shows that even in a moment of physical or sexual intimacy, it's possible that there's a deeper emotional intimacy that's possible, if you show up in the moment in a way that's not necessarily about the sex that's happening, it's about whatever has surfaced for you. Chloe Urban: Right, and it's not... Again, on auto-pilot, to me, auto-pilot really feel... Fears like a... Feel... [chuckle] I can't even say it, feels like a fear-based kind of situation, where you're just on auto-pilot, you're kind of auto-pilot sex. I think we all know it, it's just... Neil Sattin: What? [chuckle] Chloe Urban: You've never gone on auto-pilot having sex? Neil Sattin: Not with you. Chloe Urban: Really? I don't know about that. [chuckle] There are ways that you might not even notice that you're going on auto-pilot, for instance. You might be sitting there or being in the moment of sexually connecting and you realize, "Oh I always look away when I have an orgasm. Isn't that interesting? Why do I do that? Why in that moment can't I be present? And what is it that I'm hiding from there?” Maybe it's because it feels so vulnerable, to just give over and surrender. And even the act of doing that if you were to fully be present with your partner might lead to you crying or being in a state of, whoa this is so edgy to be willing to feel pleasure, that kind of surrendered pleasure. Having someone fully witness me and be there. Chloe Urban: And want to be there and actually want me to feel this or vice versa, or whatever it is, there's... There are just these layers and that those moments to me when we get there, together, it's like the most profound and connecting, it's like we can ride that wave for days. When... When we call each other forth and when we're willing to just go there and not be in auto-pilot mode. Neil Sattin: Yeah. So I think what it comes down to for me in terms of this exercise of examining where we get stuck, where we're on autopilot, where we're in the patterns and being willing to ask ourselves a question, like what else could this be, or what am I really longing for right Now? It all is hopefully allowing you to get a little perspective on your relationship and on your situation and to ask yourself. If I were going to... If I were going to lean in right now. What would that look like? And if I were going to lean in a way that was also, this is a phrase that I use a lot on the show. If I were going to lean in a way that was an invitation to my partner. So it may be that you have a deep desire, a deep longing but if you make it a demand, then [chuckle] typically our partners don't respond to that too Well, occasionally if the timing is just perfect. Chloe Urban: Would you just hug me already! [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Right, exactly, and... Here. There you go. Chloe Urban: Aww thanks, baby. Neil Sattin: You're welcome. So if you can ask yourself, "What would it look like to lean in right now? What would it look like if I weren't afraid in this moment?" It's a variation of the... If I knew, I couldn't fail, what would I do. Right now, what would I ask for? What kind of presence would I request from you? And what risks would I take? These are conversations that hopefully you're having together. So again, you're taking a risk, but not jeopardizing the safety of your relationship, you're always being mindful of how do I take this risk and at the same time in the larger picture, keep myself safe, keep my partner Safe. If I recognize that what I'm asking for is a really big ask from my partner, then how do I do it in such a way that I let them know that it's... That it might be a big deal, or that there may be some more conversation that we have to have in order for this to be possible so that you're always maintaining a sense of openness. Chloe Urban: Always because we... That's just not possible. But yes. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Wow. That was hard, that was really hard to hear. [laughter] Chloe Urban: Did I just derail you? Neil Sattin: A little bit. Chloe Urban: See you get to see this moment right here. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Chloe Urban: I interrupted him and I'm really sorry and I got sarcastic. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Chloe Urban: And I guess where I was coming from is like... Neil Sattin: Tell me. Chloe Urban: I was just thinking, “Wow, this is really setting a stage for people to feel pretty shitty about themselves if they're failing and failing and failing at doing this.” Neil Sattin: Oh okay. Chloe Urban: And all I was saying was this really isn't something you're always going to be able to catch yourself on and be gentle with yourself about that too. Neil Sattin: Right? What I was about to... Chloe Urban: I'm sorry. Neil Sattin: Say was just that, that it is a dynamic if we're... I think, for instance, we make a vow in marriage, a commitment to choose intimacy over fear. That doesn't mean that we always do, but we hold the value strong so that we can recognize. Oh, that was a time when I didn't. Chloe Urban: Right exactly. Neil Sattin: And what do I do about that or... So what I'm saying in terms of always being open. Chloe Urban: Yes. Neil Sattin: Is not that you're a bad person if you're not being open. It's more like if you hold the value of openness, then you can recognize when you are contracting when you are closing and I think intimacy, the most intimate moments are our most open moments with our partners. Chloe Urban: For sure. Neil Sattin: So that's really what I'm talking about. Chloe Urban: Makes total sense. Neil Sattin: And I'm glad you were letting everyone off the hook because I was just getting a little righteous. In terms of... Chloe Urban: If we can always be open! I'm like well, okay, [chuckle] yes, and yes and yes, and yes, and... We're going to fail a million times. And Neil and I fail a million times a week at this and it's just about coming... I'm talking micro-moments of like, Whoa, that was where I just like could have gone... That could have gone a really different way if I had leaned in, or if I had been willing to let him see me or vice versa or all the different places. There are so many micro-moments in our lives. Neil Sattin: Yeah, so this is also really important. And then maybe this will be a good place to stop. Chloe Urban: We'll wrap up. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Which is that part of choosing intimacy over fear is the fear when you recognize that you've gone a little bit off the rails, you've gone maybe more toward the fear than the intimacy and being willing in your partnership to stop. And re-group, and regulate and then say, "Hey like, "Wait a minute, we're going way down the rabbit hole. Can we come back? Can we center ourselves?” Chloe Urban: Right. Neil Sattin: Can we figure out what's truly important right now? Chloe Urban: Right. Neil Sattin: That's also extremely vulnerable, risky and intimate. To be able to stop something that's [chuckle] spiraling off in the wrong direction. Chloe Urban: Even if it's like whoa can we take five minutes and breathe and just maybe we don't even need to have this conversation, is this actually really important for us to be talking about this or are we just going to derail totally? Neil Sattin: Right. Chloe Urban: One quick little thing, I want to say before we wrap up is, I'm also seeing this piece around helping your partner choose intimacy over fear. You may notice that for instance, I start getting agitated and Neil might be like, whoa I see that she's going into her patterning and she might not be able to catch herself right now, and actually inviting like, wow babe I'm actually seeing you go into that place. What do you need from me right now? Like what could I offer that could shift this, where could I actually support you so that we don't actually have to go into this patterning that we're doing? It could... If you have permission, that's obviously you want to really establish consent with that, of being open to saying, Oh wow, I'm noticing you're doing that. How can I show up for you right now? So we don't have to go into that old place. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, because that, again, is a very vulnerable thing to do. So I do... I hope that you have the ability with your partner to invite that from each other because it's so powerful in the middle of a moment to feel that offering what can I... What can I do for you right now to help you be here with me? Chloe Urban: It's really an act of kindness and love. Chloe Urban: When you see your partner go into those old patterns. Know that it really is them hurting in some way, or that they're hiding something or they're feeling vulnerable and their fear is kicking in, to try and hide it. So to actually offer, What do you need. Isn't... Isn't about being self-serving, it's not about like, "Oh now I'm really uncomfortable.” Because, say, they're being critical, it's like, "Oh my goodness, they're being critical. That must mean that they're hurting or that there's something vulnerable underneath. And how can I extend a loving, compassionate, open-hearted message that I'm here for them and that they can actually share what's going on, and I can show up for that and that right there can dismantle a huge long extended fight or tension in the relationship just by dismantling the pattern as it begins instead of going down the road that you know we all know can lead to some really hard... Hard conversations. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: Right, right. I think what you're getting at is that in the end, when you meet a stuck place with love and compassion and generosity. Then that will disrupt the pattern because most of the time it's our... It's not our loving patterns that are causing the problem, it's not because we're loving too much, or being too compassionate, maybe with the exception of sometimes when we're just being extremely co-dependent. [chuckle] Chloe Urban: Right, right, right. Right. But then, that just automatically brings the intimacy back in. It's right there for you to dive into and actually connect on a deeper level and have more understanding of one another and show up. Neil Sattin: Right. My experience is that it brings the life back into a moment that was starting to become more and more closed. I'm getting back to that open versus [chuckle] closed thing, but... But that's what it feels like for me it's as the conversation starts to go off the rails my whole world starts to shrink really. And that's why it can sometimes feel like such a major effort to reorient in a moment like that. And it's that... In retrospect, it always feels almost kind of funny like, wow, that was just so challenging and hard to do everything that it took to reorient the train back to the pathway we wanted. Chloe Urban: Oh my Gosh. Sometimes it can... It's like... I actually feel like that is almost the hardest [chuckle] part of a relationship is steering the train back when every part of you just wants to just go down that really hard road and it's like Whoa, it's so humbling and so challenging to just... It's like Steer... Steer that train, that ship whatever you want to call it, back into a place of connection and love and it can just be so hard. Neil Sattin: Yeah. But... Chloe Urban: But so rewarding. Neil Sattin: It's not impossible... Right, it's not impossible. Chloe Urban: Not Impossible. Neil Sattin: And that's... It feels impossible in the moment until you just get over the... When you overcome the momentum of going in the wrong direction, then it can feel really easeful and light again. And that's that opening that I'm talking about is it's like, oh typically for us that's when one of us starts laughing or cracks a smile or whatever or where we actually do just touch each other, or hug or one of us cries, or whatever needs to happen in that moment to bring us back together into more of a harmonious place. Chloe Urban: Right. Yeah, we do our best at least. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: We do. We do. Just like we did today. [chuckle] I love you. Chloe Urban: I love you too. Neil Sattin: And I hold so much love for you listening here as well, thank you so much for sharing this time with us this week to go through relationship principle number four. Chloe Urban: Yay. Neil Sattin: And we've got, what, five, at least five more that we have to do. We have a mysterious 10th principle that we're still working on. [chuckle] Chloe Urban: It's coming. Neil Sattin: It's coming. Well, this came up for us because when... After we celebrated our first anniversary we decided that we wanted one more vow, and we just weren't completely sure what it is. So we're still working on it, but that will, in the end, I guess that means they'll be six more at least. Chloe Urban: Right. At least. Neil Sattin: But no rush. There's a lot to take in with each one of these and we look forward to being back here with you to discuss the next core relationship principle at some point in the future and in the meantime, as always feel free to reach out. You can find us in the Facebook group. Like I mentioned at the very beginning of this episode or you can always drop me a line. Neilius. N-E-I-L-I-U-S @neilsattin.com. We cannot respond to most of the emails that come in because we get a lot but we will read what you have to say and if you want to share some insights with us that would be great. And I think, I think that's it from me. How about you Chloe? Chloe Urban: I just so appreciate being on here and being able to share with you all and it just feels really good. Thank you for having me back on. Neil Sattin: It's always great to have you here.

love relationships fear thanksgiving lessons marriage french dating fighting russian fun spanish italian holy safe gifts alive humor principles intimacy danish argument steer free guides dillard babbel lightness codependence your partner james avery mutual support relationship alive neil sattin try babbel thriving intimacy chloe urban

168: Practical Skills for Building Your Emotional Intelligence with Jordan Harbinger

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 20, 2018 59:40

How does your emotional intelligence help you develop a relationship with someone? Is your emotional intelligence something you can improve? And...what are the kinds of things that you should steer away from because they undermine the ways that you’re relating to the people around you, and the one you love? This week, our guest is Jordan Harbinger. Often referred to as “The Larry King of podcasting,” Jordan is a Wall Street lawyer turned interview talk show host, and communications & social dynamics expert. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, Jordan deconstructs the playbooks of the most successful people on earth and shares their strategies, perspectives, and practical insights with the rest of us. In this episode, you’ll learn what emotional intelligence is and how you can improve it to have a positive impact on your relationships. We’ll also dive into how you can improve your self-awareness which is something that can be a challenge for anyone. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored by two amazing companies with special offers for you. Babbel.com is the world’s best-selling language learning app makes it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish – and many more languages. Is there a language you’ve always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and use the offer code “ALIVE” to get 50% off your first 3 months. This week’s second sponsor is James Avery Artisan Jewelry. Gifts from James Avery help tell your story – one that you and your loved one will remember for years to come. James Avery also sources their gemstones responsibly - something that’s especially important to Chloe and me as we make choices about jewelry. You can find James Avery Artisan Jewelry in their shops, in many Dillard’s stores and online at JamesAvery.com. Resources: Visit Jordan Harbinger’s website to listen to his podcast, The Jordan Harbinger Show. Get access to Jordan’s Six Minute Networking — for free. FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict and shifting the codependent patterns in your relationship Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Your Relationship (ALSO FREE) Visit www.neilsattin.com/jordan to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Jordan Harbinger. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of "Relationship Alive". This is your host, Neil Sattin. On today's show, we're going to explore the question of how to relate better with your partner, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your whomever with other people in your life and perhaps, also how you relate better to yourself. And when I talk about relating better, I'm going to distinguish it a little bit from the kinds of things that we typically talk about on the show because we're really talking about, more often than not, establishing emotional safety and how to handle problems and those kinds of things. But I wanted to bring in an expert who can really dive into the topic of: What does it even mean to develop a relationship with someone and what are the kinds of conditions that make that easier so that you're actually more efficient in how you communicate, you're more likely to actually like each other? And on the flip side, what are the kinds of things that you might want to steer away from, that would be undermining the ways that you're relating to the people around you and specifically in your partnership? Neil Sattin: So, today's guest is... This came about in an unusual way. We actually got chatting on LinkedIn, of all places. I'm hardly ever on LinkedIn, but in the process and just talking about our podcasts, deciding that this person would be a great guest for the show to talk about these things that I just mentioned to you. His name is Jordan Harbinger, and he is formerly the host of the Art of Charm Podcast, which you may have heard of. He now has his own show and it's already gotten over a million downloads in its first month alone, and he is focused on how to develop these skills of relatedness and succeed in your life, in your connections. And I'm really excited to have you here with me today, Jordan. So, welcome to Relationship Alive. Jordan Harbinger: Hey, thanks for having me on, man. It is weird. I'm never on LinkedIn. I go on once a month to kinda go, "Hey, I'm never on LinkedIn stop sending me messages here." And there you were. Neil Sattin: And yeah, it was kinda like that, I think. Yeah. I think, in fact, your message to me said, "Hey, if we know each other, connect with me on Facebook," or something like that. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. Yeah. If we know each other, then you probably should know I'm never going to answer this message if you reply. Yeah, that's pretty much what it was. Neil Sattin: That's so funny. And yet there we were. Jordan Harbinger: Yep. Neil Sattin: So, Jordan, here we are, you're on the heels of getting your new show going. Tell me in a nutshell, what do you like to say is your specialty? When you're helping people out in life, what's your elevator pitch in a sense of how you are helping people achieve more success in their lives? Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. So for now, what I do on the Jordan Harbinger Show is I study the thoughts, the actions, and habits of brilliant people and ask them interesting questions so that the audience can apply that same wisdom for themselves. So, I steal guests' superpowers and deliver them to the listener. Neil Sattin: Awesome. Jordan Harbinger: And so, that's what I do on the show. But what we do at "Advanced Human Dynamics", which is my training company where we teach live events, have products and things like that, where we teach networking rapport, relationship development for professional reasons and things like that. Essentially, that slogan is TBD, I guess you would say but really what we do is we teach emotional intelligence in a systematic way that anyone can learn and understand. Neil Sattin: Perfect. That may be the title of this episode. And let's dive in there. I watched a video of yours prior to this conversation, and I think a great place to start is this concept of ABG, or to "Always Be Giving". And especially in the context of relationship because a lot of the times when people come to me as a coach, they're in this place of scarcity in their relationship. And when I start suggesting that, well, the way to get to the other side and to actually feel good about your relationship is to start showing up even more brightly, more brilliantly and more, in some respect, selflessly in your relationship. People sometimes look at me cross-eyed like, "Wait a minute. Well, I came here to tell you just how much my partner is failing me." So, let's start maybe with a concept of "Always Be Giving" and where that's come from for you and why it's so important. Jordan Harbinger: Sure. So, the reason that this is important, I'd love to say, I had this great moment in my life where I realized that this had to happen for me. What really happened was I was pretty good in school when I was a kid and then, I got to college and everybody was smart and I couldn't just rely on that so, I had to outwork everyone. I shifted my competitive advantage to outworking everyone from just being smart enough to teach myself Geometry the day of a test, right? And then when I got to Wall Street as an attorney, everyone was smart and everyone was working 20 hours a day, seven days a week or 16 hours or whatever it was. Jordan Harbinger: And so I didn't have a competitive advantage. And I started to learn how to build relationships, to try to get to the top of the law game, to become a partner to bring in business. And what I'd realized was schmoozing and handing out business cards and all that stuff. It really didn't work trying to take classes from, no offense to the Dale Carnegie organization, they do great stuff, but trying to learn how to win friends and influence people from a guy in a sweater vest at the YMCA just was very limited. You would take those classes and you'd go, great, you've gotta have a firm handshake and you've gotta have good eye contact, and you gotta use these mnemonic devices to remember that someone's kids played tennis. But at the same time, if somebody doesn't like you and they're not giving your law firm business, it's not because, "Well, you broke eye contact a little too early there, let's give the business to the other guys." It's because they don't freaking like you or they don't trust you. Jordan Harbinger: So I dedicated myself to figuring out what was going on there, and that's where the principle of ABG came from. 'cause if your ABC, Always be closing, you're trying to close business, you're trying to close... You're trying to match people with a service that you provide. So if I meet you, I go, "What do you do?" And you go, "Oh, I'm a relationship coach," and I go, "Ah I don't need that." And I move on to the next person. Your experience of me is kinda like, "That wasn't so great," and I don't really get any social capital from dealing with you. You don't get anything from me. It's a waste of both of our time. I'm searching for needles in haystacks if I'm trying to generate legal referrals, but if I'm ABG, always be generous or always be giving. This is logistically easier because I'm not trying to match a need that you have with a service I provide. I'm just trying to find out who in my network would be a good connection with you. That opens up all kinds of opportunity. "Oh, you're a relationship coach? Oh man. I have a bunch of friends in that industry." Jordan Harbinger: "Do you know this person, this person, this person? Oh, what are you looking for in your business? Are you looking for clients like that? Oh, then you should go on some of these podcasts that my friends run, they do these relationship things. Maybe you guys could be a fit." So in that respect, ABG shifts the value proposition in sales terms from your skill, if you're a graphic designer or a lawyer, it shifts it to becoming your network itself. Right. So, everybody I meet, I try to plug into somebody else in my network. I meet a CPA. "Great. I know a bunch of cryptocurrency investors that don't know how to plan for taxes. Let me introduce you." "Are you a relationship coach? Great. I know a bunch of people who could probably use your help. Let me plug you into them." I'm not trying to match it to myself. I'm trying to match it to others. I'm not thinking about what I'm going to get in return. I have no attachment to what I'm going to get in return. So it becomes scalable for me to network with anybody and it becomes something that I don't have to think about because I'm not trying to get something for myself. Does that all make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, absolutely. Jordan Harbinger: So this wasn't of some kind of spiritual awakening type of deal that I need, that I found. It was never anything like that. It was always something to do with the practicality of the situation. It was always just, hey, this is working. It wasn't because I'm a great, nice guy and I decided I'm just going to be giving. That I'd like to think is the truth. But when I look back, it was surely a matter of practicality. The reason I kept doing it for 11 years, throughout my business was because I was teaching this as a skill and it was a really nice way to live because people go, Jordan's so nice. He keeps doing these valuable things for me in my business. I really like dealing with him. It paid off very quickly later on, but I certainly started for selfish reasons, and I encourage everybody to just try it. You don't have to be this pushover who gets walked on. Just try this from a purely logistical standpoint, it's still going to be a win for you. Neil Sattin: And where this also for me, connects into what might happen in a romantic partnership, is if you're always focused on what the other person can do for you, then, as you said, that's not scalable. There's a very limited number of interactions that you can have. And I think the way people in relationships often experience that is a slow deadening of their connection because there are only so many possibilities right for how they're going to interact with each other. But as they learn to not only enjoy each other's company but also to really support each other in being big and bright in the world. So creating those connections to others in life for their partner or supporting their partner in how they do that, then that creates a ton more energy and vibrancy, and it does, I think, feedback into the system, that vibrancy and energy becomes something that strengthens your relationship, as opposed to what people often experience which is, "Oh, that threatens me." Which would, I think, be why like in a business setting, someone might not connect two people because they might be like, "Oh, well that's... Then I'm kind of cutting myself out of the equation” and at the risk of being cliche - It's sort of like the scarcity mindset versus the abundance mindset. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I appreciate that for sure. And I also... The reason I say try it from a selfish perspective is because I don't want to... I'm always about the abundance mindset, and I'm always about trying things that are good for other people. I realize that's a hard sell, especially if you're in your 20s or even in your 30s, and you're thinking, "No, no, no, you don't understand. I need to get things for myself because I've been too lax with that." Or, "I know I need to help myself first." That's an easier sell for most people, especially guys, I've found. So I go, "Go ahead and try it from a purely selfish perspective and it'll still work as a tactic." But what you'll quickly find is, "Gee, I really like being nice and helping other people because this is really fun." And, "Holy crap does this work!" But also, I look like a great guy and I feel like a great guy. So I'm going to start being good in my relationships with other people and generous in my relationships with other people, all the time because it seems limitless at that point. Jordan Harbinger: But if you just tell people, "No, no, no, trust me. Turn the other cheek and forgive people, and ABG." They go, "Okay, whatever. I'm broke. You don't understand." Like, "This, I need this. You don't get it." It becomes a problem and you have to sort of fight. You have to sell it like, "No, no, no, no. This is better for your psyche." And people who go, "I don't care about that. I need to win." So try it, you'll still win. You'll win either way. Neil Sattin: Since you were mentioning the... Trust has come up a couple of times already, I'm curious for you, What do you think are the key components of developing trust with someone, and maybe this is someone new? And then this also again, comes up a lot in relationships where breakdowns happen and you're in a position where you have to rebuild trust with your partner. Jordan Harbinger: Sure. This is a huge subject. I'm sure you've done 700 hours on this particular topic. But when you're trying to bring trust into a new relationship, it's probably likely... It's likely a lot of the same stuff that you would do in any relationship. But I think any new relationship really... We're evolved to figure out quickly whether or not someone's trustworthy. And this isn't like, "Look at their eyes and if they're looking upward, they're lying and not trustworthy." We really are as humans, sort of evolved to trust certain people implicitly and not trust other people; the outsiders of the tribe implicitly. So the top things that I think you can do are small gestures that show that you do what you say you were going to do if that makes sense. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Jordan Harbinger: So these small gestures that you would want to do. For example, going back on the ABG subject, if I say, "Neil, man, this is really great. I would love to introduce you to a few people." And you go, "Yeah, I would love those introductions." And then I never do it. You're not like, "Jordan's a jerk. He never introduced me to those people. I hate him." But what you are thinking is, "Yeah, I guess he's just one of those guys who is too busy and he forgot." Or, "He offers to do something, but then it doesn't quite materialize. That's fine, whatever. No, I don't hate him or anything." But you don't trust me. You might still like me but you don't really trust me. So we're not going to end up doing business together because if I... Most likely. Because if I decide to do something and I say, "Hey, you know, you and I should create a product." You're thinking, "Yeah, but you also said that you would introduce me to those people and that never happened, so I'll take it with a grain of salt." On the other hand, these very small gestures of, "Hey, I should make these introductions." If I do those the same day that we met, generally, that signals professionalism in a way that is trustworthy. You go, "Wow, okay. He actually just did that. It didn't take a week. I didn't have to remind him. He didn't forget. Jordan Harbinger: He wrote it down and he did it." Literally, that's unusual. We find that unusual in today's day and age for someone to actually do what they say they're going to do, which the bar is low, for that basic level of trust. And so I say, create an opportunity for yourself, in that you're going to make an introduction, you're going to send somebody a piece of knowledge, an article, a book, something like that. It really, really easily is attainable. You can really generate some trust right off the bat that's easily attainable, I should say. And so what I mean is, create that opportunity, follow through on that opportunity and you'll end up with a slight amount of trust. Now, this isn't going to be like, "Hey, I made those introductions. Can you lend me 10 grand?" But you build it up over time and it's always these little things that count. It's showing up on time, not flaking the morning of the day before. And I know what people are thinking, "Well, those sound more like habits than ways to build trust." I find that people who are untrustworthy, they're not necessarily bad people. Sure, you should distrust some people because they are bad. They will screw you over. But most people are simply irresponsible. It's more of a negligent lack of trust. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. And I'm just... I'm letting that percolate a little bit 'cause I think that's totally true that, in the end, yeah, it's just kind of people's inability... That trust is really the whole sum of what you experience with a person and their consistency. And their consistency has a lot to do with their integrity and their ability to just follow through on basic commitments, is what it comes right down to. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. And I know that that sounds like a dumb technique, but the reason that we don't trust people is, it seems like, "Oh, well, this person cheated on me." Great, yeah, distrust them. That makes sense. Usually though, when we have a casual lack of trust, it's not because of a big lapse. It's literally because of, "Well, yeah, they say they're going to be there at 4:00, but... " And you know people like this, "Yeah, Jim said he's going to be here at 4:00." "No, no, no, no. Let's just go to the restaurant. He can meet us there." "Oh, what? Why?" "Yeah, yeah, Jim's not going to be there at 4:00. Let's just go eat. We'll order some appetizers and some drinks and we'll wait for him to show up," and sure enough Jim rolls in at 5:15, and everyone knows that. And that seems like that's just him. But how many people are making plans with him all the time and relying on him to do what he says? We always have to build in a buffer. I have friends like this in my circle. "Oh yeah, she's not going to be ready on time. Let's just go there. She can meet us there. We wait for her, we're going to be two hours late every time." And we all have people like that in our lives. We tend to go, "Lack of trust is this big giant thing. How do we make up for a lack of trust in a relationship and a friendship and an intimate relationship?" Man, that's not it. Jordan Harbinger: It's not showing up on time. It's not doing what you say you're going to do. It's offering to do something and then failing. It's changing your mind and not having the guts to tell somebody that you changed your mind, so you just hope they forget. So you fail them in that way. That's how lack of trust starts. It's a set of habits that you have regardless of whether or not you're treating everyone like that, that's really the reason people don't like and trust people I shouldn't even say like and trust. It's a reason people don't trust others, and trust is more important for business. It may be different in personal relationships, but I personally have done plenty of business with people that I don't necessarily like that much, but that I trust. It's the most important thing. I know there are people that aren't going to rip me off that are going to show up on time, that are going to deliver when they say they're going to deliver, but I wouldn't necessarily hang out with them. But there are plenty of people that I hang out with all the time where if they said, "Hey, we should do this business together," I would say, "No offense, but hell no." [chuckle.] Jordan Harbinger: I think we all probably could think of people like that if we had to. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and one other thing that occurs to me too, is how helpful it can be. So if you're sitting here and you're listening to all these things and you're like, well, honestly, a little bit like me, or you're like, "Oh shit, I've done that. I see how I've undermined trust left and right". To be willing to actually show that you are noticing that about yourself, so potentially as a way to repair lapses in trust with your friends and your partner, to be able to say, "Hey, " know I made this commitment and I recognize that I didn't do that." Or, "I recognize that I didn't show up on time when I said I was going to." 'Cause I think one of the things that really is detrimental is when there's this unspoken, like, "Does this person even realize what they're doing? Or maybe it's intentional," that's where you get into that question of, "Is it negligence or is it actual malicious intent?" So much can be clarified by actually connecting around that very thing. Jordan Harbinger: I agree with you. Yeah, I agree with you 100%, and I think it's something we don't normally think about really. Neil Sattin: I wonder Jordan, for you, when you look at the big picture of being giving, making connections, how do you suggest someone recognize in themselves the ways that they are doing really well and then the ways that they're falling short so that they could do a self-diagnosis on their ability to show up and be trustworthy and make great connections with people? Jordan Harbinger: Well, that's a cool question. I haven't put a ton of thought into this, but I'll tell you right now, one of the best ways to get this kind of feedback or to get this kind of assessment done would be to get feedback with other people that will tell you the truth. We don't always have friends like this, but I think that we all have a friend or two like this where we can say, "hey, look, do people think that I show up... What is my reputation like?" And they go "oh everyone loves you men what are you talking about?" "no, no like what is my reputation like, do people trust me, etcetera?" And people go, "yeah, of course, they trust you." So if you have an inkling though of what your flaw might be, I would ask specifically about that. So I would say "I did borrow money from you guys for John's birthday, and it took me like a year to pay everyone back. Does anybody talk about that, think about that?". "Do you talk about that think about that". "Honestly, I'm looking for real honest feedback here", and I've done this in my social circle. Jordan Harbinger: I know other people in our circles evade honest conversations about this. Sometimes invited by the other party and other times foisted upon them for good reason. It's very important because people will say, "Yeah, honestly, I've thought twice about lending money to you and your girlfriend and in recent past, because it did take me a year to get paid back. I had to ask like 10 times and it just got awkward and I felt like it sort of poisoned friendship a little bit, we're still super tight, still love you guys, but I don't want to go through that again 'cause it was kind of a pain." Oh, okay. Maybe you should work on that. Maybe you don't realize how that's been affecting certain people in your circle. Other people who show if you think you show up late and it's fine, you might want to say, "Hey, I realize I'm always the last one here," and don't do this to the whole group during a party. [chuckle] They're not going to want to answer this at that point. This is like, you're hanging out with your friend on a balcony, relaxing having a beer at the end of the night, or you show up and you're the only person there having coffee with a buddy, or you have a phone call and you go, "Hey man look, I just want some honest feedback." Jordan Harbinger: You have to frame it that you want honest to goodness feedback, ask one person at a time. Because then you're more likely not to get a group going, "Hey it's Tim's birthday, let's talk about this another time." "Oh, you're good bro, don't worry about it, it's fine. Here have a beer. Change the subject." That's not going to get you legit feedback. You really need to find one or two people that you think are going to give you honest feedback and you need to get them alone. And then you need to ask about the specific things 'cause I would say Neil that you kinda know. Right, if you're going, "I don't get why people to trust me," either you have a massive lack of self-awareness, or you've somehow forgotten about an incident, or maybe there's some other devious stuff going on, but probably not. Probably you know that you're always the last one there because it takes you two hours to get ready and you don't plan ahead. Jordan Harbinger: Probably you know that you've owed people a thousand dollars for two years and you think they forgot, but they didn't. But they're too polite to say anything and you're just kinda dodging it. You know this stuff, you know it. You know? That becomes problematic. When it's more vague is when you go, "Hey, do you find that I complain too much?" "Oh yeah. Actually, I wasn't going to say anything, but yes, you do. You've been very negative since your break up or your divorce, and we understand it 'cause it's rough, but sometimes it does grate on other people." That's harder to get because you might not even notice. Neil Sattin: Right. Jordan Harbinger: But for all this other stuff, man, come on, you know? You know. Neil Sattin: Yeah. The phrase that's coming to me ironically, is from 12 step, the fearless moral inventory, like actually being willing to just sit down and make a list of all those things where you just know. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, that's great. I like that. And you do, you just know. "Oh, why didn't I get promoted, this is BS. The other guy just brown nosed the boss". "So have you ever failed on a project?" "No." "Well, what time do you show up for work"? "9:30." "What time does everybody else show up for work?" "8:30." "Okay, so you show up an hour later than everyone else." "What time do you leave?" "5:00." "What time does everyone else leave?" "Five, maybe a little later." "Okay, so you show up late and you leave early?" "Well yeah, but I get my work done. I'm really good at it." "Are you? Who's been the project lead on everything?" "Well, the other guy." "Alright, well, what's going on here?" "Alright, fine." "So is it really 'cause he brown nosed the boss? Or you just not really giving it your all?" You have to be honest with yourself about this. You do know, you know, you at least have a clue. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Jordan Harbinger: No one... Neil Sattin: This does get tricky, right? Because you get into that zone of self-assessment and people... I forget what the effect is, there's some name for it, but where people always assess themselves better than the world might objectively assess them, or that you don't necessarily know what you don't know and you probably run into this in terms of teaching people emotional intelligence skills where they're like, wow, it finally kinda dawns in them, "Wow I didn't realize that by not taking a moment to actually listen to what someone was telling me and let it affect me in some way that they were feeling like I didn't even hear them." That there are probably core skills or awarenesses that people don't have because they haven't been able to experience the world through that filter, through that lens. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I think you're probably right, there's going to be some people that don't know what they don't know, and that could be caused by a lot of different things like if you've got a substance abuse problem, then maybe you're not thinking about the fact that you owed someone $500 for two years. You've got other stuff on your plate. So maybe this will come in handy then. But I think for the average moderately more or less healthy person, there's going to be stuff where you kinda think you're getting away with it, and then you're like, "ah, it's fine. She never complains about this. So it's fine." My wife a couple of weeks ago, asked me, she goes, "What percentage of the housework would you say that you do?" And I went, "Oh, I don't know, 5%?" And she goes, "Really?" And I go, "Yeah, I don't know. Maybe even less." And she goes, "No, I would say you do between five and 10 percent." And I said, "Oh, great." And she goes, "I'm really glad to hear you say that." And I said, "Why?" And she goes, "'Cause I thought you were going to say like 50%" and I said, "No, not a chance." Jordan Harbinger: She was very pleased to hear that. She didn't say, "You gotta get off your ass and do more." But she was very glad to hear that I didn't think that I was doing exactly the same amount of stuff as she was, 'cause I'm not, and I'm very aware of that. But if she went, "You know, it kinda bothers me that you don't do this and this and this and this," I would have known that I had behavior change coming. And I think a lot of people don't necessarily realize this. I think a lot of people go, "Oh yeah, I pull my own weight around here." And the whole team is kinda like shaking their head going, "What are you talking? Are you serious? You really think that you do the same amount of work on our projects as us. We're just waiting until somebody figures out you don't do squat and you get fired. Are you crazy?" Jordan Harbinger: You know, you should figure that out on your own or with the help of other people in the team before you have a performance review at work. Or before you have a significant other that goes, "You know what, I am so sick and tired of you freeloading and not paying rent, and having me do all the work and you're playing Xbox when I get home. Who the hell do you think you are?" You know that there's a hint there, and if you don't, you can get a hint by asking. Most people are going to give you that hint. And look, if you ask, and the other person goes, "No, it's totally fine." And then when you break up, she's like, "There are 87 things wrong with you," then they're to share for some of that blame. But at the end of the day who's suffering the consequences, you are. So figure it out. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah this makes me think a little bit too of that strategy that a lot of people use when they're single where you say, identify your ideal partner and then you figure out, "Well, who would I have to be in order to have this amazing partner?" There's an element of that in what we're talking about. It's being willing to look at yourself and say, "Okay, who would I have to be to be in an amazing relationship if my relationship is suffering or if my work life is suffering? Who would I have to be... " Being willing to, sure, look out around because there are probably some examples of that in the people who are doing better at it than you. But also, I think it's a great, great kinda counterpoint to be able to say like, "Oh yeah, if I wanted my partner to trust me, then maybe I would have to call home instead of just being AWOL for three hours after work or something along those lines. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I think you're probably right, and I think it's tough to ask yourself that second question, "Who would I need to be?" Because what we find is that we go, "Here's my dream partner. Well, who would I need to be to get this person? Are you kidding me? I'm freakin' phenomenal. [chuckle] I'm already there. I'm authentically me. I'm just want to be myself." And I noticed, this is kinda funny too 'cause you see, I noticed men do this a lot. They go, "If she doesn't like me for me, then screw it." And I go, "Okay, well, you're wearing a jersey with a mustard stain on it. You're a little bit overweight, okay, you're a lot overweight. You clearly don't care at work. You're not really trying to get ahead. And what kind of woman are you looking for? Oh, someone that goes to the gym, takes care of herself, looks really good, gets really done up to go out, impresses all your friends, has an education." So, they have to work their butt off, but you get to be authentically you? [chuckle] That seems fair, right? [laughter] Jordan Harbinger: And it's like, "Oh, well, if she doesn't like me for me, then fine. Well, good, she doesn't like you for you. You are not good enough. You do not deserve what you want. No one really says that though, right? That's kind of not cool to be that guy in a friendship or the very many relationship coaches are not going to say, "You really don't deserve what you want," because the client goes, "Screw you. I'm going to hire somebody else." I kind of understand that, but that's not very effective coaching wise. I think a lot of guys especially... And I say this among guys, it's really probably equally shared, but I used to coach guys far more than women, and a lot of guys just don't deserve what they want. [laughter] They really don't. They're not putting in any effort at all, and yet they expect the complete polar inverse when they are going for a member of the opposite sex and... Or even the same sex. There are plenty of same-sex relationships [chuckle] where one party goes, "Well, he just has to like me for me, or she just has to like me for me." And they're putting in absolutely no effort, but expect the other party to do so. Jordan Harbinger: So you have to work on yourself and become who you need to be to get that person involved with you. You have to have a world that is so welcoming that somebody else wants to be a part of it. You can't just take that for granted, especially if you don't really want to be a part of your world. Think about what kind of person that's going to attract. [chuckle] Neil Sattin: What do you think is the obstacle for people being willing to put in the effort? Because it does require effort to not just coast, to not just leave the mustard stain on your shirts. Jordan Harbinger: Some of it self-awareness and the other part is a little bit of fear that I think is healthy. Well, there's healthy and unhealthy fear, of course, as you know. The unhealthy fear is, "Well, shoot. If I try and I dress in clothes that fit and I get rid of the mustard stain, what if I don't know what I'm doing? What if I try to grow and I still get rejected, that's going to signal something about who I am as a person instead of just me being able to say, "Oh, these shallow folks, they're not... They don't like me for me." That's a lot easier and a little bit nicer. The other side of that fear is, "Holy crap. I'm not even sure that I know how to get out of this." So it's easier to rationalize that you don't have to. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah. Jordan Harbinger: The side of the fear is, "I don't really know what I'm doing, so I'm just going to say, I should be good enough as I am because I heard that somewhere. Then the other side of that coin is, "What if I do know what to do and I bust my butt and I get coaching from Neil, and I go to the workshops that Jordan has and I create a great network around me and I get a good career, and I still can't get the people in my life that I want, that then signals that I'm inherently not good enough and that's my worst nightmare. It's not a conscious level of thought. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Right. Yeah, yeah, it makes a lot of sense. And yeah, I'm just thinking about someone being in that position and what it would take 'cause at that point, yeah, it does take a lot of willingness and courage to even maybe see that that's what's going on with you. Then, yeah, what do you find can help incentivize someone to take that other step? In other words... Jordan Harbinger: So... Neil Sattin: I'm imagining too, there could be a lot of people listening to this episode and who are thinking, "Holy shit, I wish I could just get my partner to take that kind of level of responsibility for themselves." To see that, "Oh yeah. If they started to show up with a little bit more ferocity with their lives, how much better our lives together would be." But they need something that's maybe better than a kick in the ass, although maybe that's what it takes sometimes. Jordan Harbinger: It does take that sometimes. It really does take... It takes a compassionate kick in the ass if it's a friend or if somebody else in your relationship. So here's how... Here's an example of how not to do this. So I had somebody write me recently and go, "I just got married and my wife is not interested in me anymore". I said, "Wow, that's highly unusual. You're a month after your wedding". What happened was they were both really overweight, and the wife lost 110 pounds for the wedding. Then she started saying, "I'm not interested in you anymore because you're still overweight, and you didn't lose any weight." I'm thinking, "I don't think that that's true. Maybe she's really, really self-centered, and she's really not interested in you and she really thinks that she's outgrown you, but that seems unlikely because you did just get married." So my hunch was she's trying to motivate him by saying, "I'm basically not going to sleep with you until you start getting yourself together because I did it. I know it's possible." I'd like to think that that's her positive intent, but I think it's a really negative way to do that by making your partner feel like crap and undesirable doesn't exactly get them to want to go, "You know what? I'm going to get desirable again by watching what I eat and going to work out all the time. Jordan Harbinger: Thanks, babe." This is probably how she was raised, and how she was motivated by her parents, which backfired, and caused unhealthy habits on her part, which is probably why she was obese in the first place. Potentially, why she was obese in the first place, so there's this unhealthy negative motivation. I think they both need to work on that. That's how you don't do it, right? The way to do it would be to do it together or if you don't need to lose weight if you're fit, and your partner's not, and you really want to motivate them, to make it easy for them and say, "Look, I want you to be around for a long time. I want to be able to enjoy things with you that are going to take physical prowess, and I want to be able to go hiking on the Great Wall of China. And I want to be able to be around for our grandkids. And I'm going to start making healthy food, and I'm going to make stuff that you like that's healthy. And I want you to go to the gym with me. And I want you to follow this program with me because I care about you." You have to motivate people that way. Jordan Harbinger: And if they don't want to do it for themselves, they'll probably do it for you as their partner. It's different though when it's a friend. When it's a friend, sometimes all you can do is have the harsh truth because you're not going to say, "Look, I don't want to be friends with you 'cause you're overweight." That's ridiculous. But what you might say is, "Hey, you're not allowed to complain about relationship stuff anymore because the reason you're not attracting the women that you want and the men that you want is because you are not in good shape. And you only go after people that are. They're not going to be interested in you. I'm happy to go to the gym with you. I'm happy to get you on a fitness plan. I'm happy to be your accountability buddy. Text me in the morning. I'll text you in the morning, and make sure that you're eating right, make sure that you're going to the gym," things like that. That's fine. But the reason you're not getting what you want is because you aren't doing what you need to do to become who you need to be to get what you want. Jordan Harbinger: And sometimes, that's the best thing you can do as a friend because really, you can't punish people more than a certain degree as a friend. Because what are you going to do? Cut them off? "You're not allowed to come over anymore because you're fat." That's completely ridiculous. So you have to do it with love as cheesy as that might sound. But some people will not respond to that. But then you have to say, look, you are not allowed to complain about being unhappy because you're single while you're eating a bag of chicharrones for dinner every night. You're just not allowed. I'm not going to hear it. We have a solution. You don't want the solution. So I'm not going to suffer through this anymore. And I know that that sounds harsh, but a lot of times, that social isolation is all you can do as a friend. But you can't isolate them so much that they don't have you in their life anymore or you won't be able to influence them. Neil Sattin: Yeah, interesting. 'cause I am. I'm struck by the difference in the different kinds of relationships that exist. And how yeah, a friend like for some people, friend groups come and go. It seems a lot more common for someone to feel like somehow they got stuck for instance in this relationship like, "I'm with this person." Maybe we have two kids together, so now I'm really with this person. And what do I do like “They don't want to change?” I'm changing. I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to do everything that I can to have a great life and to make this great. But they're not motivated at all. And what do I do? And I think with that comes, "I like the feeling of accountability." This is actually something we were just talking about on the show with Cheryl Richardson. She talks a lot about self-care and boundaries. But that question of like, "Look, I don't want to dwell any more on the, 'What's going wrong with us?'" Like, "There are things that we could actually do about this." Neil Sattin: So either you're willing to do them or some of the harsh reality is maybe we do "isolate ourselves from each other." Maybe we do break up. If we can actually steer this in a good direction or if you have a friend who's consistently complaining, and even with getting that tough love from you, they still don't want to shift. Well, you're probably naturally going to evolve apart anyway, would be my guess. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah. I would agree with that. Yeah, I would agree with that. Neil Sattin: So I'm wondering for you when you are helping someone come up the curve in terms of their emotional intelligence, do you have a checklist in the back of your head that's like, "Okay, I want to make sure someone has the ability to stay present when they're actually having a conversation with someone. I want to make sure they have the ability to connect with other people and be giving. I want to make sure that they know how to make little commitments and actually follow through on them"? Are there other things along those lines that you think are really the core aspects of what I think we've been talking about this whole time, which is encouraging people to sort of show the fuck up in their lives and to not coast and to really be engaged with the people and the opportunities that are around them? Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I do have a rough checklist, but I'll tell you that the way that we run things at our Advanced Human Dynamics events are usually... The first few events or first few sessions are kind of about eliciting that checklist, 'cause it does differ from person to person. So some of the things that we do, for example, would be, I might videotape an interaction, with your permission of course. But I might videotape an interaction. It's like, "Oh, okay, you are not present because you're thinking about what to say next 'cause you often you're trying to figure out how to be clever. Alright, we have to fix that because being clever is not as important as being present." Or, "Oh, okay, interesting. You're invading psychological space. That's something that's probably going to cause other people to play defense, which is going to inhibit your ability to connect with them." Or, "Wow, you got really vulnerable really fast in a way that was a little bit uncalibrated for a professional situation that's probably blowing up in your face and causing people to put walls up because they don't want to reciprocate in such a vulnerable fashion." Jordan Harbinger: And the example here is we had a guy that was saying... Actually a better example... We had a woman that was saying something like, within the first few minutes of meeting people, "I was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, and we have a kid together." And I was like, "Whoa! Hang on, man. That's a good share for something later on. You don't know these people." So it can be problematic. You could be triggering someone else's stuff, you could be coming across as a victim, big time. It's problematic. You're going to run into people's filters and you're going to end up getting screened out. And they go, "Oh, I thought I was just being vulnerable, I thought this was helpful. I just went to some self-help seminar, where they told me to dah dah dah." I'm like, "Okay, that's just not appropriate for every situation." Jordan Harbinger: And most people know, things like that so I'm giving you extreme examples. However, it's not uncommon for somebody to be a close-talker and invade psychological space. It's not uncommon for someone to be a little bit too touchy-feely. Maybe they even come from a different culture, where that's okay, but it doesn't make sense in a professional American context. Or maybe someone isn't showcasing any vulnerability, maybe they're doing this thing where they're trying to take up a lot of space because they read on some message board that alpha men take up space, so they're spreading out and other people are like, how rude is this guy? He's taking up three seats and I'm standing. But he's thinking, I'm alpha right now! Jordan Harbinger: So I have these checklists that say things like, are you trying to broadcast a specific image? If so, is that image appropriate for the context? And if not, can we try to do this in another way by consciously or forming new habits? And sometimes it's a matter of going, hey, you don't have to be "alpha", you just look like a douche. And they go, oh, thank God I took a coaching class last year and I've been struggling with this forever because I feel like such a turd. And you go, yeah you shouldn't do this, it's not helping you and they go, oh, thank God. 'Cause their other coach or their other boot camp or their other whatchamacallit is some book they read, told them they have to do this or they're going to get walked on. Jordan Harbinger: And you've probably seen guys like this and we see them on the internet, where they... The catchphrase of some of these guys is like, I don't give a fuck. And it's like, no, no, no. You give so many fucks that you don't even know who you are anymore, that's... I don't give a fuck, I'll do whatever I want. No, no, no. You're doing what this other group of guys tells you that you should want because you're giving all of the fucks. You have no fucks left. [laughter] Jordan Harbinger: You're being programmed by other people and it's still not working, and people still don't like you. So you're trying to reject them, but really, you've already been rejected, so it's not helping. How do you feel? And then a lot of times those guys go, "Lonely!" It's like, "Well, yeah, of course, because your only friends are weirdos on Reddit, that tell you to take up space and to not care about other people. How do you think they're working out in life?" So I try to elicit those checklists from men and women that come through the program because people really have their own individual hang-ups and they really wear... We really wear them on our sleeve as humans. Neil Sattin: Yeah, there's something in what you're saying that where I find myself getting even kind of sad thinking about all of the, well for lack of a better word, propaganda that's out there about games to play, ways to get other people interested in you. And I feel like there's a pretty big distinction between what we've been talking about, which is really more about being in your integrity and in your authenticity, versus let's say having the checklist of, "Okay, I got a... " For the typical advice for a guy, "I gotta take up space, be the alpha guy, show them that I know how to lead, etcetera, etcetera," where they get lost in... And it's the same, especially the gendered stuff. If you want to be a woman who gets a guy, all that stuff. I think it robs people a lot of the magic that really happens when they're willing to just show up and be who they are and notice, like, "Oh, even though I think this person is really attractive, there's actually nothing there between us, so why would I want to like somehow game them into being interested in me because in the end, we don't really have anything. Whereas by being present, I get to sense, 'Oh, but there are all these other people that I really do relate to and we actually create magic when we're interacting with each other.'" Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, I think that getting help in this space is tough because it requires a certain level of self-awareness, and it requires a desire to generate even more self-awareness, which can be really scary, especially if we perceive that we might be lacking in some area. It's really uncomfortable. And then I mean this in a bad way, it's uncomfortable to go, "Oh my gosh, I know there are problems and I'm going to ask someone else, possibly pay them to toss... Just rip the blanket off and look at what's underneath," and that's really scary. So I think that we, especially guys, but men and women both, have a problem moving forward in this area. So I just want to close with the idea that this is in many ways about momentum. Once you find a weakness and you're able to correct or fix or start working on it, in my opinion, Neil, it really becomes almost addictive because you go, "Holy crap, that wasn't as hard as I thought. It didn't feel terrible and it feels really good to have this under wraps, and now I can finally attack all these other little things." And it becomes really fun to become who you need to be. So I don't want to scare people away from it because I honestly really do feel like it becomes healthy and it becomes addictive in a good way to work on yourself. It's just scary beforehand. Almost exclusively, it's just scary beforehand. Neil Sattin: Yeah, those are great. Great piece of advice there. Jordan, I really appreciate your time today and I'm wondering, do you have a moment for one more question? Jordan Harbinger: I do. Neil Sattin: Great. Before we got on the call, we were talking about some of the upheaval that's been going on in your life, for lack of a better word. And if it's okay for me to ask you a personal question, I'm curious to know, 'cause you're married and in a time that's created... Where there's been a lot of stress, and those can sometimes be when we're at our worst in our partnerships, I'm wondering what's been helpful for you and your wife to stay connected with everything changing around you? Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, you know what's funny? I work with my wife, so this might be unique to our situation, but all of this turmoil of relaunching the Jordan Harbinger show and Advanced Team and Dynamics and everything, all of a sudden after leaving The Art of Charm suddenly has actually brought us closer together. And I think one of the keys is being really aware when I'm negative because I tend to, when I get negative, get a little bit bummed out and/or take it out on whoever's near me. That's a very human thing to do. But I have to be really careful about that because I'm not doing this in the office during a stressful time, and then coming home and keeping it separate from the family. I work with my wife, so I gotta be really careful not to be like, I'm going to explode about this thing and then go, oh, I feel better, but meanwhile, everybody else is like, I don't. So, I've had to become really conscious of that. I've had to do, I guess you would say, I've really actually almost ironically had to focus on self care because when I'm going to the gym, when I'm getting sun, when I'm walking outside, when I'm connecting with friends, I don't have to just rely on my wife for emotional support, which can be exhausting for her and I'm actually able to support her too. Does that make sense? Neil Sattin: Yeah, absolutely. Jordan Harbinger: So a lot of people go, oh, I gotta make sure I'm taking care of my family and I agree that you do. But one of the best ways to do that is making sure that you have the capacity for it and the way that you do that is through self-care. And a lot of people, when they hit hard times myself included, we don't do self-care, we stop going to the gym, we start eating a bunch of crap, we drink more or whatever it is because it's an emergency. We're in emergency mode. Fight or flight, anxiety, not sleeping. That stuff diminishes your capacity to take care of those around you as well as yourself. And that's when things start to break down. It's like, "I'm doing everything I can for this other person." It's like, "Well, you are, but what you can do is 10% of what you should be doing because you're a freaking mess." Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. Jordan Harbinger: So that's what I've been working on. Neil Sattin: Makes perfect sense. And I think that's another place where it can be so challenging for people to be willing to prioritize that and to maybe do it in a way so that the people around them understand what's going on. If you were completely absent and your wife was like, "Where are you going? Why aren't you here?" Then that might be a different story. "Oh, I was just taking care of myself. I went to the movies, got myself a smoothie. Did you want one too?" You know, might be different. Jordan Harbinger: It's been really fun man. I appreciate the opportunity. Neil Sattin: Yeah Jordan, thank you so much for being here with us on Relationship Alive and for me, it's been a bit of a stretch having you here only because typically I've got people on like John Gottman and Sue Johnson who are writing books about relationships, and that's what frames our conversations. And so I appreciate your willingness to get on and just go for it and see what we could come up with your vast expertise in those relational dynamics and to see what we could make practical for our listeners here. So thank you so much. Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, thank you, man. I appreciate the opportunity. Neil Sattin: And if you are interested in finding out more about Jordan Harbinger, you can visit jordanharbinger.com. You can check out the Jordan Harbinger show, and his company, Advanced Human Dynamics, is developing online courses and events that you can visit, right? Jordan Harbinger: Yeah, we actually have a course up now. It's free, and it's about networking and relationship development. It's very systematic. It's all about not feeling like a smarmy business card slinger, and generating professional and personal relationships in a way that's scalable, fun doesn't take three hours a day, doesn't involve you being a fake weirdo on the internet, etcetera. And that's all at Advanced Human Dynamics. You just click level one in the corner, and I'll teach you all the secrets. Neil Sattin: Awesome. Well, thanks so much, Jordan. Great to have you here. Jordan Harbinger: Thanks, Neil.

167: How to Keep Assumptions from Eroding Your Relationship

Play Episode Listen Later Nov 13, 2018 38:47

Have you ever found yourself making assumptions about how your partner will take care of you or show up for you? Do you assume they’ll do certain things that make your life easier even though they haven’t actually agreed to do that? Have you ever felt resentful toward your partner for not following through on what you assumed they would do for you? If so, you’re not alone! In today’s episode, we’ll discover how these assumptions can lead to resentment and learned helplessness. We’re going to dive into some specific actions you can take to prevent this from happening in your relationship. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are – thank you!), this week’s episode is being sponsored by two amazing companies with special offers for you. GreenChef.us is a USDA certified organic company, with a wide variety of meal plans to make having healthier food easy and convenient for you. And they’re offering you $50 off your first box to give them a try! Just visit GreenChef.us/alive and use the coupon code “ALIVE” at checkout for $50 off, and enjoy the delicious recipes and fresh ingredients that GreenChef sends your way. Babbel.com is the world’s best-selling language learning app makes it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish – and many more languages. Is there’s a language you’ve always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and use the offer code “ALIVE” to get 50% off your first 3 months. Resources: I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil’s Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner’s Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text “SUPPORT” to 33444) Amazing intro and outro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive - this is your host Neil Sattin. When you make assumptions about how you and your partner will show up for each other in your relationship, that can ultimately erode the goodwill and generosity in your relationship. And, on top of that, it can undermine your own ability to feel safe in your own skin. So this week we’re going to talk about how to make the implicit explicit - so that the way that you and your partner collaborate in each other’s lives actually adds energy to both of you - instead of ultimately stealing your fire. It’s an important topic so get ready to dive deep. But first - are you finding Relationship Alive to be helpful in your life? If so, please consider a donation to help support what we do. To choose something that feels right for you, please visit neilsattin.com/support or text the word SUPPORT to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. And this week, I want to offer sincere gratitude to Danielle, Denise, Kelee, Kent, Abe, Sarah, Renee, Micheila, Ruthana - thank you all so much for your generous contributions to help us keep the lights on here at Relationship Alive headquarters. This episode is also brought to you by Green Chef. For 50 dollars off your first box of Green Chef go to GreenChef.us/alive. And I’ll tell you a little bit more about them later in the show. So let’s move on. When you first get into a relationship, it can feel almost magical the way that everything lines up. Those falling in love feelings often also lead to incredible generosity - we’re inspired to show up for our beloveds for so many reasons, not the least of which is how good it feels to offer them something and see the happiness that comes as a result. Back in episode 102, Jeff Zeig talked about the phenomenon called “TOPIAH” - taking pleasure in another’s happiness - which is central to that falling in love state of being. And when this is happening it can feel like you have been brought together in order to complement each other, make each other’s lives easier, etc. What’s the point of being in a relationship, if not to share joy, and make each other’s life easier? Otherwise, why would we tolerate all the challenges of relationship? So I’m not going to get down on the way that happens. On the other hand, what tends to happen is that the overwhelming generosity that can mark the beginning of a relationship leads to ways that we take each other for granted. And this is a huge double-edged sword that can slice right into your happiness together and take you down if you’re not careful. Let me explain… Why is it a double-edged sword? Because on the one side of the blade are the assumptions that we start making about our partner. Assumptions about how they will take care of us, show up for us, make life happier and easier, etc. The problem isn’t that they’re doing all those things - the problem is the assumption, the expectations, that can then lead to resentment. In the ways where you once showed up willingly, out of generosity, you might now find yourself feeling taken for granted and wondering if your partner gets how much you do for them. Don’t worry, in a moment I’m going to give you a way to steer clear of that problem - but you might remember that I said it was a double-edged sword - so what’s the other problem? The other side of the blade is the ways in which we learn to rely on our partner and how that can sometimes get in the way of our realizing our own capabilities. It’s a form of learned helplessness - not the kind that’s linked to trauma or recurring pain - though of course, that can *also* happen in relationships - I’m talking about how we come to rely on our partners and then when they for some reason can’t show up in the way that we’ve come to rely on them, it actually triggers our fear - instead of inspiring us to be capable. Here’s an example. These are the kinds of things that you come to see more clearly when you have to be apart from your partner for any length of time - as you start to realize all the ways that they contribute to your life, or the household, or your wellbeing. Like imagine that your partner leaves for a week, and you suddenly realize that there are no groceries in the fridge, or gas in the car, or dinner on the table when you get home from work. Sometimes when that happens, instead of diving into our own capability - like going to the grocery store, gassing up the car, and cooking a nice dinner - and doing all of those things OURSELVES - we go into a fear response from NOT being taken care of in the ways that we’re used to. So there we are in our trigger - not only not getting our needs met, but feeling fight/flight/freeze in reaction to a partner who simply went out of town on business (or for whatever reason). And that can ALSO lead to resentment. We can resent our partners for leaving us to fend for ourselves, or we can resent them for making us confront our own little ways of being helpless, or we can actually resent ourselves for having given so much power away to our partners in the first place. It’s a habit that we’ve acquired - letting our partner do things for us, and coming to rely on them for that. Quick side note on that - often when you move through the triggered place, you can find an enormous blessing in HAVING that space, so that you can feel what you’re truly capable of. And what’s ironic about this situation? It’s usually true for BOTH partners. In other words, it’s rare that one of you is doing all the assuming, and the other one of you is doing all the work. The reality is usually that both of you give in your own ways, and both of you can feel taken for granted. This is a dynamic that we actually talked about back in our episode with Betty Martin, in episode 162, talking about the Wheel of Consent. Now in that episode, we talked about how it impacts the way that we touch or receive touch from our partners, but the underlying premise is the same as you come to understand the dynamics of giving and receiving. But I’ll let you listen to that episode to get that part of what I’m talking about. What we’re focused on here is the danger that making assumptions brings to your relationship. And I’m going to show you what to do about it. We’ll solve all your assumption problems with a simple exercise or two - in just a moment. However, this is the time in the show when I get to tell you about this week’s sponsors. And they both have cool deals for you, so you can try them out - at a discount - and experience what they’re cooking up for you. And this week’s first sponsor, Green Chef - is literally cooking things up for you. Their food is amazing. Chloe and I sampled their Paleo menu, and not only had 3 incredibly yummy, sustainably sourced meals, but we had a great time cooking together. It was awesome to have most of the prep work done for us, so all we had to do was follow the step-by-step instructions and voila - we had high-quality meals that everyone - including the kids - enjoyed. I think my favorite was the Montreal-spiced Shaved Steak Hash, while Chloe’s was the Chicken Tinga - which had this amazing Cashew Crema sauce that totally brought out the tangy taste of the lime juice we had sprinkled over the top. It’s an exceptional way to add new ideas to your weekly menu. So - important to note - Green Chef is a USDA certified organic company, and each week they send you a wide variety of organic ingredients and imaginative, tasty recipes - handpicked and delivered right to your door. Meal plans include Paleo, Vegan, Vegetarian, Keto, Gluten-Free, Omnivore, and Carnivore. Their expert chefs design recipes with gourmet flavor, and the premade sauces, dressings, and spice mixtures help you get more flavor with less time spent in preparation. As I mentioned, they have a special offer for you, as a relationship Alive listener. For $50 off your first box of Green Chef, go to GreenChef.US/alive - That’s $50 off your first box if you go to GreenChef.US/alive. Thanks, Green Chef for helping support Thriving, Healthy, Sustainable Relationships. Our next sponsor is Babbel - the #1 selling language learning app in the world. If you’ve heard me talk about them already on the show, then you should know that they’re now sweetening their offer for you. First - you can learn Spanish, French, Italian, Russian, Swedish, Danish - and more. My son and I decided that we were going to learn a language together, and we picked...one of the Romance languages of course - Italian! Using Babbel you can be speaking your new language within weeks, and you’ll be ready for practical situations, like meeting new people, ordering food, asking for directions, and other things that matter when you’re trying to communicate. So far I’ve found that their approach is working really well for me - as I not only learn new words but get to review things as I go - which is helping me remember what I’m learning. How’s it going? Tutto bene!! Although I have to admit that I like saying “Nonc’e male” better for some reason. To learn a language you’ve always wanted to learn, go to Babble dot com and use the offer code “ALIVE” to get 50% off your first 3 months. That’s Babbel, B-A-B-B-E-L dot com, offer code “ALIVE” for 50% off your first 3 months. And Babbel, Grazie Mille for supporting Relationship Alive. Now let’s get back into the conversation about how to keep your assumptions from eroding your relationship. As I hinted at the very beginning, the antidote to the toxic effect of assuming on your relationship is to make the implicit explicit - in other words, to get really clear on the dynamic that’s happening in your relationship and to turn assumptions into agreements. You may have heard me talk about agreements before on Relationship Alive, as they are a key part of creating the container of your relationship. So far we’ve talked about them in broad strokes, though - they represent the things that you and your partner agree NOT to do - you know, things like spending large sums of money without talking to each other about it first, or your agreements around monogamy - these are important things to be really clear about with your partner. We’ve also talked about the things that you agree TO do - things like commitment to supporting each other’s growth or sharing appreciations with each other each night. These are just a couple of small examples. The problem with assumptions is that they represent agreements that you haven’t actually agreed to. They often have the same degree of expectations that come with an actual agreement - but the problem is that you and your partner don’t actually know exactly that the agreement exists. Let’s take something simple as an example. Let’s say that every night your beloved gets home from work 30 minutes earlier than you do. And every night they get home, take the dog out, and then start cooking dinner. So you walk in the door, and the dog comes over to you, tail wagging, and you fall on the floor to give your dog a tummy rub, while your partner is there, standing over the stove, whipping up something tasty. Only instead of being really happy to see you, for some reason your partner is standing there looking really serious as they saute the onions, and you already have that sinking feeling that there’s something going on that you’re going to have to talk about later. Now, let’s just state the obvious - you should always greet your partner before you start rubbing the dog’s belly. If your dog is getting more affection and attention than your partner is, then you’re in trouble. Trust me. In fact, maybe I’ll devote an episode to just that. Moving right along… And, now let’s even take this situation a step further. Let’s imagine that it’s this way night after night. Except for one night you get home, and your partner is in the living room, kicking back and reading a book. And as you walk in the door and the dog rushes over to greet you they say “great, can you take the dog out?” - and then you realize that they have already cooked and eaten an early dinner - without you. In that moment are you feeling, maybe, just a little bit...resentful? I’m pretty sure that the answer here would be “yes”. And why is that? Why was your partner stewing over something when you came home to their cooking, and why are you now stewing because it’s suddenly on you to take the dog out and figure out dinner? In this hypothetical situation that I know none of you has experienced...did you and your partner ever create an agreement about who was going to take the dog out and start dinner? Now, of course, it’s possible that you might have a stale agreement, something that you made long ago and which no longer is working for one, or both, of you. It’s worth revisiting your agreements every so often. But in order to do that, you’re going to have to know what your agreements are. So, let’s get there - together. As you may be guessing right now, you are going to actually have to communicate with your partner to figure this out. But before you take that step, let’s get more clear on what your assumptions are. The best way to do this is to keep track. Have you ever used a time-tracking app to figure out how you spend your time when you’re on your computer? That can be really useful data to have, so that after a week or two you get to see when and how you’re the most productive (and, correspondingly, when and how you waste time). It’s useful - and occasionally scary. So for the next week what I’d like you to do is to keep track of all of the ways in which you are relying on your partner. The challenge is going to be remembering to do this throughout your day...one way to approach it is to have a little pocket notebook that you carry with you so that you can note things down as they happen. Or you can, of course, keep track in your smartphone. The key here is, first, to remember to be paying attention throughout your day - and then to actually write it down or note it. It’s tempting here to think “OK, I’m going to just notice it as it happens” - and to take the shortcut and NOT write anything down, or actually keep track of anything. Unless you have a superhuman memory, do NOT do this. Write it down, or record it somehow. This is important, first so that you don’t miss anything! And second, so that as you review your notes at the end of the week, you’ll have a sense of just how vast the number of assumptions is. Now there may be some things that jump out at you right away as you hear me talking about this. You can go ahead and write those things down. Maybe it’s the “who makes the meals” scenario? Maybe it’s the who does the laundry or the grocery shopping? Maybe it’s that you trust your partner to text you back within 5 minutes when you’ve texted them, and if any more time goes by you start to get anxious? The big question here is: what are all the ways that I rely on my partner? And what are all the ways that they’re relying on me? And...after a week of that goes by...you get to look over your findings. There will probably be some things on your list that you already knew about - and hopefully, there will also be some surprises on your list. See if you can get a sense of what led to a particular thing becoming just a way of being - how did it work its way onto your assumption list? That’s helpful to know - at a 1000 foot view you can often see the ways that these patterns start - which is a great way of seeing your own part in things. Now the next step is going to be to communicate with your partner about what you discovered. I’ll give you a framework for that in a moment. As you might expect, the WAY that you talk about it will have a huge impact. For some important pointers, make sure that you check out my free Relationship Communication guide. If you’ve already downloaded it, then you might want to revisit it just for a reminder - and if you haven’t gotten it yet, you can grab it at neilsattin.com/relate - or by texting the word RELATE to the number 33444 and following the instructions. So let’s talk about how to approach this conversation with your partner. Maybe you’re lucky and you’re already listening to Relationship Alive together - and doing this research together. So if that’s the case then you simply want to schedule a time to talk about what you discovered. If you’re doing this on your own, then the first step is to ask your beloved if there’s a time when you can sit down to talk about some important things you’ve been noticing. Don’t just spring this on your partner! And even if you have a long list of ways that your partner is making assumptions about you, I wouldn’t bring that up just yet - if your partner asks you what you want to talk about, just say that you’ve been noticing some ways that you take them for granted, and you were hoping to be able to sit down, chat with them, and get some clarity about it. Maybe even express your gratitude - you know, that kind of thing. When the appointed time arrives, then, yes - you want to set the stage by talking about how you have noticed all these ways in which you’ve been taking your partner for granted or making assumptions that things are a certain way. If you have lots of examples to choose from in your observations, you might choose the one that seems the least triggering to your partner - in other words, start with something easy. Not necessarily a hot-button issue right away. Then you might say something like…”I’ve been operating as if this is an agreement that we have made, to do things this way. But we never really did, did we? Or maybe we did, but that was a long time ago, and I’m not sure that it necessarily makes sense anymore.” Each step along the way you want to check in with your partner to see if what you’re saying is making sense to them. Do they get it, what you’re saying? Do they agree? Can they lend any insight into what you’ve already noticed? If you’re starting with ways that you’ve been taking them for granted, then it will be easier to inspire their collaboration in the conversation. One thing to pay attention to here is your own level of activation, of being triggered. If your partner is TOO eager to point out the assumptions that you’ve been making, then you could find yourself feeling like you’re being attacked. Do your best here to find your balance on your own, to take responsibility for your own emotional state. As much as possible you want to keep operating from your prefrontal cortex - in other words, the non-triggered part of your brain that knows how to problem-solve, stay curious, and be creative. So - what’s the ultimate goal here? The goal is to bring up the assumptions that you’ve been making and then to ask your partner if there’s an agreement that you can actually make, together, about each particular thing. It’s as simple as that. Some possible ways to frame that include: “In this situation, would you like to ”. Or “What would make that ok for you? What would make that feel like something you actually want to do?” or “how can I help you so that you’re not doing it on your own?” or “What would be a meaningful way - to you - that I could show my appreciation?” Or “Is there some way that I could contribute that would make a difference to you?” You may also discover that some of these ways that you’ve come to rely on your partner actually are obstacles to your own feeling fulfilled, actualized, and capable in your own life. So rather than your go-to being trying to get your partner’s buy-in to just keep doing things that way - but with an agreement - I invite you to first consider how you can show up to at least be an equal partner in what’s happening. Or perhaps you want to take full responsibility for making this thing happen for you - rather than relying on your partner at all. This could be about your reclaiming that part of yourself, or it could also be about ways to give even more to the relationship. I leave it to you to feel through the situation for what feels best to you and your partner. But definitely, spend time entertaining the different possibilities - instead of immediately rushing to the first solution that jumps out at you. Bear in mind too that even if your partner says that they are more than happy to do whatever it is that they’ve been doing, by at least getting it out in the open you can ensure that you’re both completely in integrity about it. And you can also discuss how to safely bring it up if the agreement STOPS being ok with either one of you. Having a way to bring the topic up without anyone getting triggered or resentful - in other words, revisiting your agreements on a regular basis and having that be just built into the structure of your relationship will help you keep things healthy and minimize resentment in the time ahead of you. Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering about how to address all those ways that you feel like your partner might be taking you for granted...again remember that it’s best to start with an offering - which in this case is you taking responsibility for all the assumptions that you’ve been making. Next you might ask your partner something like this: “Would you be willing to talk about some other places where I think we could use a more explicit agreement between us?” And if the answer is “Yes” - then you’re on the right track. Instead of framing this part of the conversation as ways that you’re being “taken for granted” - you might instead say something like “Here is a place where our agreement isn’t quite clear…” And rather than focusing on the assumption - in other words, rather than saying something like “it seems like you assume I’m going to make dinner every night” you might say something like “I find that most nights I’m making dinner. And I’m doing it by myself. And while I do enjoy making dinner, what I really miss is the opportunity for us to work together to make choices about what we’re going to eat. So I find that lately I’ve been getting lonely and maybe even a little sad, instead of feeling inspired to cook for both of us. Would you be willing to talk about ways that we could change that up a bit?” You might be surprised to find that your partner will actually show up with some creative solutions - especially if they’re not being blamed. OK - I think that’s enough to get you going in the right direction. If you’re on Facebook and haven’t joined us in the Relationship Alive Community yet, please come find us there. You can get support from the more than 2300 Relationship Alive listeners who are creating a safe space to talk about relationships. And in the meantime, if you know someone who could benefit from hearing this episode, please feel free to send the link along - it’s neilsattin.com/167. I look forward to being with you next week - take care until then!

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171: Honesty and Conflict Resolution in Your Relationship

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 31, 2018 60:59

Communication and smart conflict resolution are extremely important in any relationship. You know this! Yet we all struggle with these things too often (at least Sarah and I do). This episode is a gold mine of valuable information for navigating communication and conflict resolution. In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Is honesty always the best policy? The importance of making your partner feel that the conversation is important. Arguing about silly things and how to resolve it. Communication techniques for productive conflict resolution. How to avoid blaming and criticizing language with your parter. And much more! Ed Callirgos is the owner of The Bridge CCM, an independently licensed marriage and family therapist and trained Mediator. He has been featured on the Arizona Republic, Professional publications, Podcasts, Internet/Radio shows and is a recipient of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy Minority Fellowship award. He is well known for working with high conflict couples, working with difficult cases such as couples where there is a potential for domestic violence, cases involving infidelity, pornography addiction, pre/post divorce, co parenting and suicidal ideations and trauma. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/171 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Simple Health: Simple Health uses technology to provide simple, convenient & affordable care at home - starting with online birth control prescriptions & delivery. Get the $20 prescription fee waived by going to simplehealth.com/IDO. Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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165: Should You Start Over with Someone New?

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 31, 2018 32:52

When is it time to start over with someone new? Isn't your next relationship going to be better, simply because you've learned what to look for in a new partner? If you're considering ending your current relationship, how do you know you're making the right decision? Do you think you've tried it all to make things work? How do you know if you've truly "tried everything"? In today's episode, we'll explore how to make these important decisions, so that whatever you choose you can do it confidently. And like you might expect, the answer to those questions isn't quite as obvious as you might think. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored by Babbel.com. The world's best-selling language learning app makes it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish - and many more languages. Is there's a language you've always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and discover how easy it can be. Resources I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil's Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text "SUPPORT" to 33444) Amazing intro and outtro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters Transcript: Hello and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. And thank you for joining me here, today, on episode 165. I hope that you took some time to listen to last week’s episode, with Guy Finley, on how you can dissolve conflict in your relationship, and learn the lessons that you’re meant to learn. Of course it’s all important or it wouldn’t be here on the show - but you’ll see why, in a moment, last week’s episode is particularly relevant. So - I got a great question recently. It went something like this: Dear Neil - I’m confused. Every time I hear of someone in a happier, better, more fulfilling relationship - it’s always their SECOND marriage. Are first marriages that aren’t working out just doomed to failure? Is the only way to get an exceptional relationship, where you’re thriving, to ditch the first person and find someone new? What’s missing in first relationships that people are getting in second relationships? Like I said, a great question. I mean, here I am - right? Divorced. Happy in my second marriage. And I think that’s the danger, right? Of thinking that second marriages are amazing - they allow us to undo all of the mistakes that we made in marriage #1. Or if you’re not married, but in a relationship, when you’re having a tough time, or thinking that you’re going to just have to suffer in an unfulfilling situation, the allure of finding another person that will be better is right there, staring you in the face. It’s an interesting twist on the age-old question of “Should I stay or should I go?” If people are so much happier during the next go-around, then what’s the point of sticking it out with this person? So, I want to shine a little perspective on this - and give you some ways to think about your situation, and what the right thing to do is. My first instinct here was to just bring up the statistic that while 50% or so of first marriages end in divorce - the number of second marriages that end in divorce is actually 60% - and 70% for third marriages! So while it’s tempting to see someone a year or two or three into a new relationship and think about how lucky they are - bear in mind that the chances are even worse for them that they’ll stay together. It’s possible that you’re seeing them early enough in their relationship that everything SEEMS to be better. All the nuisances of their old relationship aren’t here, because they managed to pick someone who didn’t have any of the dissatisfying traits that caused them to break up. But often it just takes a little time, and then the cracks in the perfection start to appear. And when that happens you get to find out if this “second marriage” - or newer, better relationship, is truly going to stand the test of time. Actually, it’s often not right when that happens, but much later - because often we’ll wait months and months - years, even - before we decide that things have gotten bad enough that it’s time to leave. John Gottman’s statistic comes to mind, that it takes the average couple 6 years PAST when they should have gotten help to actually get help. Now I’m not sure if the Gottmans know exactly why that is - but at least part of that could be not wanting to believe that yet again another relationship is on its way towards destruction. Not being willing to see it until it’s too late. Or nearly so. One place where you can potentially benefit from a new partner has to do with the selection process. There is that element, right?, of being on the lookout for specific traits in a new partner - top of the list that comes to mind for me is that a new partner with a growth mindset, and the ability to commit, might help improve your odds in relationship #2. This is of course if you also have a growth mindset and the ability to commit! In a moment, we’ll explore how you can dive a little deeper around this in your current relationship, before you decide that the grass is truly greener. I will say that this whole journey has been REALLY interesting for me. There have actually been many times when I’ve wondered if I knew then what I know now, if my first marriage would have ended the way that it did. It’s tough to say - and because I respect the privacy of my ex, I’m not going to spend much time speculating about that right now. And, if we’re going to be completely honest here, my journey with Chloe has been part of what’s helped me learn all that I’ve learned. And, of course, it helps to be doing all the research for Relationship Alive, and having the conversations that I’m having, and working with clients from all over the world. It all fits together for me in a way that has helped me have a very different outlook on what’s possible. Now am I saying that you need to start a podcast in order to get this all figured out? No. Am I saying that you need to get into a new relationship in order to figure out how to make it work with your current partner? No. I’m just trying to give you some perspective on where I’m coming from - but remember that my whole goal here is for you to be able to leverage my learning - so that you can leapfrog ahead in terms of what’s possible for you in your life, and in relationship. There’s enough heavy lifting for you to do in simply learning how to truly show up, and be courageous, and be vulnerable - all of that. OK - let’s dive back in. We were talking about whether or not you should quit your current relationship to start up again with someone new. And I was trying to inspire, within you, a sense of what else might be possible. What I’d like to do, in this moment, is to give you hope. I realize that might not be the best thing. If you’re convinced that your current relationship is horrible, and that your current partner is NOT the right one for you, then hope might be the last thing you want or need. You may not know this, but one of my first big hits, back when I was doing more blogging, was an article that I wrote about how to know when to leave a relationship. That article still gets a lot of traffic - at the time, I ended up doing a lot of coaching sessions with people who were commenting on it, or writing to me after reading it. And many times it would seem like the person really just was having trouble making the choice to leave - but they really wanted to leave - and so when I would hear about their situation, and, in the end, give them some ideas - what I thought were “empowering” ideas - to make things better, they would just come back around to the leaving. The escape from pain is a powerful thing. This is perhaps the moment for the obligatory warning - if you are in a truly abusive relationship, then get out and get help. If you’re not sure if your relationship is abusive, then seek counseling, call a hotline, do something to try and get an objective opinion. And if you’ve determined that it is - get some space and safety for yourself and any children that might be involved. And from that place of having some space - and hopefully some sanity along with it - you can figure out if there’s any safe path to re-entry, after you’ve given some thought to whether or not there’s any reason to re-enter. That all being said - when you’re in a relationship that has been going downhill for awhile, whether it’s been a long, slow decline - or a rapid descent - things can be pretty bad. You can be at each other all the time. Everything can feel like you’re on the verge of a fight. You can say mean things to each other. Without the skills to change the dynamics in a relationship that’s reached this point, there’s not a lot of hope. However, with some skills, and changing some communication patterns, it’s possible that you can actually make a big shift in the dynamic. What it comes down to, here, are a few important questions: How important is it to you to try to see things through to a place of renewed connection, and growth? In order to shift things, it’s going to take some effort. And you might have to do things that make you uncomfortable. You might have to learn to quiet the parts within you that are just saying “run” - or saying “fight back”. This kind of effort requires your determination - so if you only kinda maybe sorta want it, that might make it challenging. Especially when you have to face your own shit. I know, I know - you feel like you’ve tried everything. Everyone always feels like they’ve tried everything. And everything may or may not be true. The question is, how much have you tried that’s actually different? A stretch from what you normally do? We get where we are because of what we normally do - generally our lives are simply the result of our habits of being. So truly trying “everything” would mean being able to look back and see exactly which habits of yours you’ve taken responsibility for - in other words, the way that you’ve contributed to the dynamic in your relationship - and you would also see the ways that you’ve directly changed those habits into something else. And you’ve measured the results. Are you willing to see the world through your partner’s eyes? What is their experience of you truly like? Can you see how the way that they act actually makes sense when you see and experience the world the way that they do? What does that change about how you approach them and interact with them? Typically, it is helpful to choose a period of time during which you take the question of leaving off the table for yourself. This will definitely provoke the parts of you who want to leave (or who have already checked themselves out of the relationship) and you’ll probably have your hands at least partly full with trying to help those parts of you chill out about your renewed commitment to the relationship. But the only way that you’re going to truly find out what’s possible is to stop your threats of leaving and escape from jeopardizing either the safety of the relationship for your partner, or your willingness to make different, sometimes difficult, choices to act differently. Act differently, get different results. At some point you might need to ask yourself the question to assess whether or not your partner is willing to change. If things have really come to a head, then this might also be the time to demand - ok, politely insist - that your partner get some help with you - either coaching, or a counselor, or a retreat, or a course - you get the picture. It’s best if you can involve them, somehow, in the process of actually seeing the dynamic of your relationship for what it is - ie. something that’s not quite working right - and to see the benefit of owning their own part in it - just like YOU’RE doing, right? If you can get your partner to come to the table, then that will help you shift course more quickly. Because you can find ways to collaborate - after all, in most situations it’s in BOTH of your best interests to be working together on the project of improving your relationship. More joy and connection for everyone that way! But if they don’t come to the table right away, don’t despair - as you’ve heard many times on this show, there are all kinds of ways that you can create change and shifts within yourself and in the way that you show up in your relationship. And this, will in turn, create change in your relationship. When you’ve been with someone, then you’re actually in some ways at an advantage. Do you know them well enough to know what motivates them? What would motivate your partner to want to come to the table? What would be their biggest complaint about you? What is their biggest desire? How can you show your partner that they matter to you in a way that will make a difference to them? Are there ways that you have been ignoring problems that they’ve been trying to bring up with you? Are there ways that you could show them the connection between what they want in your relationship and what you want? What are some other questions that would help you access what you’ve learned in all of your time with this person? Do you like how I did that? I asked you a question to help you generate more questions! Finally, let’s revisit the question of a timeline. As you might recall, I was mentioned taking “leaving” off the table. By the way, this is true whether or not you’re the one who’s thinking about leaving. If your partner is thinking about leaving, you can still make the decision one way or another that YOU will be committed to the relationship, to seeing what changes you can effect on your own or in collaboration. It can sometimes be surprising to see just how many ways that we are not fully embodying our commitment to the relationship - even when we think that we’re a solid “yes” we could still have exits and escape routes all over the place. Especially when there’s pain going on your relationship - those are the times that’s most challenging to stay present. And, again, it’s the ability to stay present during those times that will help you face whatever is truly happening, and be in a position to do something about it. When you get to the end of the time limit that you’ve set for yourself, it’s time to reassess. How are things going? Have they gotten better? Are there cracks of light showing in the darkness? And what steps have you taken during that time? Did you make definite changes in your behavior? In your outlook? Did you get help? What worked, and what didn’t? It’s just as important to keep track of the attempts that went nowhere as it is to keep track of your successes and build on them. In an ideal world, if you truly decide that it’s time to part ways, then my sincere hope is that you and your partner can come to that decision together, and figure out ways to part that allow you to stay kind to each other. It’s not always possible, but it certainly makes parting a whole lot easier - not only on the two of you, but also to the others impacted by your decisions. The rest of your family, your extended family, friends, and community. But as you’ll see, there’s actually plenty of time for you to experiment before you get to that point. And along the way you’ll learn a lot, grow a lot, and - if you decide to try again with someone else - you’ll truly have new ground to cover, vs. having to learn the lessons that you SHOULD have learned in this relationship. See - it’s a win-win.

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164: How Love Can Dissolve Conflict - Relationship Magic with Guy Finley

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 25, 2018 77:19

They say that love can conquer all - but how do you really tap into “the power of love” to resolve conflicts in your relationship? On top of that, how do you learn what you need to learn so that you don’t keep repeating the same fights over and over again in your relationship? This week, our guest is Guy Finley, author of the new book Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together and the international bestseller The Secret of Letting Go. Along with getting juicy tidbits of Guy’s wisdom in a deep dive, we’re also going to walk through the process of transformation, so you can experience for yourself how to make the shift from conflict to love as you listen. As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored by two amazing companies, with special offers for you. MyLola.com offers feminine hygiene products that are made with 100% natural and organic ingredients - so you don’t have to wonder what’s going into them (or...you)! They are offering you 40% off any subscription if you visit mylola.com and use the code “ALIVE” at checkout. Babbel.com is the world's best-selling language learning app - making it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish - and many more languages. Is there a language you've always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and discover how easy it can be. Resources: Visit the website for Guy Finley’s new book Relationship Magic for special bonus content Visit Guy Finley’s main website FREE Relationship Communication Secrets Guide - perfect help for handling conflict… Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) www.neilsattin.com/magic Visit to download the transcript, or text “PASSION” to 33444 and follow the instructions to download the transcript to this episode with Guy Finley. Amazing intro/outro music graciously provided courtesy of: The Railsplitters - Check them Out Transcript: Neil Sattin: Hello, and welcome to another episode of Relationship Alive. This is your host, Neil Sattin. On this show, we've talked a lot about what happens when you get triggered and what to do and what not to do, and we've talked about it from this perspective of like, a neurobiological perspective, and we've touched a little bit on the perspective of trying to find love in those moments. What would love do when you're in the middle of, let's say, a conflict with your partner? But what if the power of love allowed you to dissolve conflict with your partner? And what if it not only allowed you to dissolve conflict, but it allowed you to truly learn the lessons that are there for you to learn so that you can get past the kind of pattern of arguing, and tension, and resentment that's so easy to foster in a relationship? And that's the strangest thing, right? Because it's love that brings us together and yet somehow we find ourselves there with this person who's the apple of our eye, when they are just annoying us to no end. Sometimes it's the very things that drew us to that person that then drive us crazy. Neil Sattin: So, there's some purpose behind all of that. And today's guest is going to help not only reveal the purpose behind all of that, but help us work a little magic in order to transform it. His name is Guy Finley, and you may be familiar with him, he's the author of The Secret of Letting Go and his new book, Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together is all about what I've just been talking about, how to wake up and dissolve the conflict, the resentments, the things that seem to keep you connected and yet painfully separate from your partner. The book is new and if you want to find out about Relationship Magic, the book itself, you should visit relationshipmagicbook.com. We're going to dive in and we're going to talk about all of that. And of course, there will always be links available to you in the detailed transcript of today's episode, which you can download if you visit neilsattin.com/magic as in Relationship Magic. Or you can always text the word Passion to the number 33444 and follow the instructions. I think that's enough from me right now. So, Guy Finley, thank you so much for joining us today on Relationship Alive. Guy Finley: Thanks Neil, I'm glad to be with you. Neil Sattin: Well, it's such a treat. And one of the funny things that I was thinking as I was reading Relationship Magic was how much I wished that I had had like say two more weeks to just sit there after reading the book, and really let it all digest and percolate. So a lot of the questions that you're probably going to get from me are really raw from my experience of having been in the book and I'm still waiting for some of that magic to occur, but I feel like I'm on the cusp of its potential, and so I'm really excited to have you here to chat about your book and this idea that love and pain are these forces that can't coexist really, and yet so often we find ourselves stuck in pain with our partner. Why do you think that's so? Guy Finley: First, your reaction to the book is perfect in a way in that if you ever go to a concert or if you are a seeker of some kind and read something about love or principles, and the moment you hear that music or feel that idea you're like, My favorite image. We had a Rottweiler, and every once in a while I would say something to her to try to communicate something and she would start tilting her head left and right, knowing that she was hearing something that she didn't understand, but that she wanted to which indicates that there's a corresponding part, in this instance, in all of us when we read or hear something that resonates in such a way that indicates, "Boy, there's something much deeper here that I'm getting immediately and I want to know what it is." And then that waiting period or the re-reading period, a time of contemplation is the way in which we communicate, actually commune with that higher part of us that already understands what we are now wanting to know. Guy Finley: And so, I just wanted to corroborate that, Neil, so that everyone can understand those moments, not just in hopefully reading this book with the principles that it presents, so that we have a little way to realize that something in us is listening and if we learn to listen even a little more carefully, we can start to understand what that part of us that's pulled to that moment wants to understand. Now to tie that in with the last part of the question, it isn't that pain and love can't coexist, it's that they have a relationship that we don't understand and until we can begin to realize within ourselves why it is that someone we love can be so incredibly exasperating will blame them for the pain instead of understanding why that moment has appeared the way it has in our relationship. And that's principally what my book is about. Neil Sattin: Yeah. You're speaking right to me and I'm remembering the part in the book where you talk about how the principle is there, let's call it the love principle, it's already there illuminating your experience, that that points to its existence as if you were... You need the sun in order to see your shadow and it's like, "Well, the sun is shining right there behind you." So you know it's there. Guy Finley: I love that you have pulled out of the, at least, in part out of the book. One of my favorite sections that I thought might be difficult to grasp, but I had to put it in there. Listen, yes, as hard as it is to understand, and we can continue with a metaphor, we sit here, I'm sitting here in southern Oregon, you're in Portland and it's a beautiful sunny day, it's about 70 degrees outside and we look out and see the trees or the wildlife that I'm looking at and we see the objects, but we don't see the light that actually reveals them. We don't see the light that actually reveals them, we don't actually see light other than those moments where we might look at a sunset but even then, we don't see light, and we don't see the fact that light isn't the static affair, that light is a steady stream of waves and particles from that glorious orb that we are sustained by, and it never stops raining down on us; in one sense, making everything that's visible, visible and at the same time giving life to everything that's revealed by it. See, I think love is like that. Guy Finley: I think we stand in it, we're related to everything through it, we're connected because of it, and yet we don't know anything about it other than to say, "I love you," when somebody does what we like, or pleases us, or we have that moment of sentimentality, which isn't too different from sometimes saying, "I love milk shakes," or "I love pizza." I know, and it is, it's humorous in a way. Actually, if one has a proper detachment to our present level of consciousness, it's all pretty funny. But it's sad in a way because with the same ease that we can say, "God, I love you. My love, you are my heart, thank you for being you." And then two minutes later because he or she looks at us askew, there's no remembrance at all, that the moment before we were joined by something that now seems to have disappeared, obliterated by a flash of a negative reaction, and we don't understand the negative reaction and because we don't and take the feeling of it as being viable and real, meaning that it confirms that something's wrong with our partner, we lose touch with the fact that love never separates, love never alienates, and certainly love never has an enemy. Guy Finley: So these are the things that we want to examine but not just intellectually, moment to moment, heartbeat by heartbeat, in the throes of those moments as you said at the start, where the reaction is ruling us and ruining everything and all we can do later is say, "I'm sorry, this book is for people who want to get past saying I'm sorry." Neil Sattin: Right, right. And I'm thinking of this thing that happened the other night, that was such a clear example of the difference between how love acts, let's say through me and when I'm in a negative place, and when that negative energy comes through me. So my wife Chloe and I, we'd had a great day, a fantastic day, and we were wrapping up and in fact, we had put a little bit of energy into resetting our kitchen which is something we've wanted to do nightly for years now. And finally, we're on it, so every night, even if we're exhausted, we're in there just making sure the dishes are clean, counters clean, like it's all good. So we went through that whole thing this one night, a few nights ago, and then maybe I took the dog out. I'm not sure I'm remembering the exact sequence of events, but it's not important. What is important is that I came in and Chloe picked up this little corner of a wrapper that had been left on the table and she asked me where does this go? And I looked at her and what I could have done is just said, "Oops, I guess I missed something." 'Cause we're on the same team in trying to reset the kitchen, and honestly, just those little corners of wrappers, if they're not thrown in the trash, they do add up, you start finding 'em all over the place, especially when you had a couple kids to the mix. They seemed to have a knack for leaving corners of wrappers everywhere. Neil Sattin: So anyway, I took it from her and I had to laugh at myself after reading your book because the very next thing I did wasn't just throw that away and give her a big hug and laugh about it. What I do was, I saw that there was a wrapper from a stick of butter that had been left on the counter. Guy Finley: Oh, god. Neil Sattin: And that wasn't my doing, of course. That was Chloe's doing and so what did I do but I grabbed the wrapper on my way to the trash and I said, "I guess I'll throw this in the trash too." Guy Finley: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And for us, we live this stuff so we're typically very tuned into when we're triggered, and calling a stop to things, and getting back into balance, and at the same time there we were. And it's something that we've actually been talking a lot lately is feeling like there's something new for us to discover here around the ways that those little resentments have found their way into the nooks and crannies of our coexistence to drive us crazy. Guy Finley: Yeah. Neil Sattin: And so I read in your book about this tendency of a negative when one of you is in a negative space to meet it with negative energy and just how ridiculous it is to think that that's going to actually lead to anything positive. And I just laughed at myself thinking about that incident and that didn't end up being a big blowup between me and Chloe. I think we're long past the big blowup stage of anything like that, but at the same time I was like, "Oh, yeah, there's something else here for me to learn." Guy Finley: This is such a perfect story 'cause you'd have to be physically dead not to relate and understand the example, the way in which couples partners or the way in which the standing in line at the supermarket, and somebody makes a comment, or the cashier's going at the speed of molasses. And something slips out of the mouth that seems to be justified because the individual has said or is doing something that has produced pain in us. So let's go through this. I don't know if you got to the section of the book, Neil. Neil Sattin: Oh, yeah, I read the whole thing. Guy Finley: There's actually a story in the book that is the long hand explanation of what happened and we'll look at it together. So first, when... And everybody look, everybody, we have to understand, we are in no way or means judging ourselves or others, there's far too much of that. You can't judge and learn, it's impossible. In this life, whether we realize it or not, is a school for our higher education particularly that love provides, if we're willing to take the curriculum, which this book is about and what Neil and I are speaking about. So Neil, if and when out of your mouth comes the, we'll call it the initial contact. Your wife made the first contact that evening bringing up a wrapper that was out of place. Pretty small thing. But if and when we do that, and point something out to our partner about where they miss the mark in some way, is it because we're happy and content in that moment? Or is there some kind of pain in us that prompts us to point a finger so that there's something to blame for our pain? Neil Sattin: Right. Where we are pointing the finger so that we can blame for the pain. Guy Finley: That's right because something has suddenly stirred in us a certain kind of resistance or pain that we did not know was in us the moment before. For instance, I'm just going to walk through it when Chloe points out the wrapper, she wasn't initially negative about the wrapper, but when the wrapper appeared, meaning she saw it, something in her in pain wanted to find a way to reconcile itself because in essence, the wrapper became the reason for the pain. Following me? Neil Sattin: Yeah. Guy Finley: But the wrapper isn't the reason for the pain in Chloe, the pain is brought in to the present moment in Chloe and in all of us in an unconscious nature, a body of experience whose residue never reconciled or healed sits there like strange objects in a closet until something bumps one of them and then out comes this comment or this action. Now, she didn't know. And then that pain looks at you and finds an object to blame, she points the finger at you and throws the grenade, passive-aggressive comment meant to point to you, look what you've done, you've missed the mark. And then what happens when Chloe's pain pushes on Neil? Was Neil in pain the moment before that? No, I had a good night, we were doing pretty good. But all of a sudden, I'm nuclear, but I don't want to go nuclear. I know that's not right. So, my mind, now in pain, blaming the pain on Chloe looks around and finds the butter and then it throws the bomb back. The point being that the moment of pain is not Chloe's pain and not your pain, it is our pain, it is a pain that goes into the moment before us that we don't know is there and that becomes this continuation of a string of conflict and resentments that feed each other in a pattern that never goes away, because the unseen instigator, the real cause of that conflict lies unseen in our consciousness. Guy Finley: Now if we can understand that much and let me stop and ask you, are we on the same page? Can we see this together? Neil Sattin: We're definitely on the same page and where my mind is going with this is to that concept of the debt that we owe each other and how we carry that with us as part of the burden of that pain. Guy Finley: Yes, yes, it's intimately connected to that without our knowing it, which is the point of our existence in one respect 'cause when we started we said, "Well, how can pain and love be in an actual relationship?" Without our knowing it, living concealed in all of us, not just as a result of growing up with the parents we had, our experiences in high school and college, not the relationships that gave us a broken heart, not those individual instances, but sort of a composite conditioned consciousness. We live, Neil, with a kind of unseen expectation. It's built into our present level where, again, as example, I'll speak about my wife, I know you would say the same of Chloe. I've been with my wife for nearly 40 years. I remember when we first met, it was all roses. We couldn't talk enough about stuff, we had those conversations that go for hours on the phone. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Guy Finley: The sex was divine and intimate, the time together was precious, everything that was quirky about her was my greatest delight, everything that I did somehow had no problems in it at all. My idiosyncrasies were fascinating. This is the beginning of love because we're drawn to each other as the result of, she revealing in me things I don't know about myself that are delightful. I love the way I feel when I'm busy loving what my wife reveals to me about myself. She loves what I reveal in her to her about herself and there is a magnetic power. Everybody understands that, but part of that relationship and part of that magnetics includes the fact that gradually, the things that we were so enamored with, for what she could show me about myself starts to change. The thrill is gone, BB King used to say. And now the little things that were never a problem start to have a little edge to them. And here is the point: Why do I love the things my wife shows me about my nature that I feel are positive and good and accept as being a part of myself and on the other hand when she shows me things about myself, I don't see it as being about myself, I see as being about her? Guy Finley: When we can answer that question with honesty and responsibility, we begin to recognize that, yes, when it comes to love our partner is a mirror that shows us the most positive, empowering, and beautiful things that the human heart can hold. Love makes that possible, but it is also a fact that love makes it possible for that same human being and their same idiosyncrasies to show us what is concealed in us that is limiting our love, so that until we are present to what has been concealed in us by the actions of our partner and accept the revelation of that moment as an invitation to let go of and die to those parts of ourselves we will continue to have the fights, blaming, later resenting without ever realizing we are caught in a loop that is actually a kind of system that this present nature with all of this residue that's been carried over insists on repeating it, literally reincarnates itself at the cost of a new and higher kind of love. Neil Sattin: Okay, so there's so much there in everything that you just said. What's that? Guy Finley: I say let's take it apart. Neil Sattin: Let's do it. And maybe a vehicle for that would be the wrapper. Guy Finley: Sure. Neil Sattin: So for one thing, what I'm hearing from you is that the love and the mirror of relationship makes it possible for me to see all these things reflected back at me that I think are glorious. Guy Finley: Right. Neil Sattin: And however it also allows me to have reflected back at me the ways that I fall short. Guy Finley: Not reflected back at me, reflected as being an unknown part of me. I don't know that I have pain when I'm holding my wife's hand and we're having a glass of wine, but if she said, "You've had two glasses, that's enough." What happens? Neil Sattin: Right. The collapse. Guy Finley: Boom! Neil Sattin: Yeah. Guy Finley: She didn't produce the conflict, she revealed within me is this sensitivity about too many wines. Don't eat that piece of bread. You're really going to have more butter? Why are you driving that way? Do you know where you are. I mean, all of these little questions that you call triggers are actually revelations that we have within us parts of us that we don't know. And to the point here, does love... Let's see, how shall I start this? When I want to lash back and we don't have to Pollyanna it, in fact, she said something that hurt me, I'm throwing the grenade back. Would love throw a grenade? Neil Sattin: No. Guy Finley: This is so important, listeners, please. And we're not idealizing love, I'm not making it some religious or iconic image. I'm just saying that you and I, if we're a human being know that there is a love that cannot hurt anything, that would not harm anything, that love is the love that we and each and every one of us live in and through and buy at all times without knowing it. These moments in passing time with our partner allow us to see and then begin to use consciously the very thing that ordinarily we mechanically do I.e. Neil throws back the butter comment. Now, if love would not harm anyone, and I know that love would not do that, is it really I, is it my truest nature that launches the attack back? Or is pain responding to pain? And this is important, is the pain of something in me, maybe when I was a kid I was teased, maybe my parents called me on the rug for things that they were in pain over and didn't know what to do with and abused me psychologically so that the smallest question of my character by anyone else produces instantaneous conflict? You're not going to disrespect me. Guy Finley: Now, we all know these parts live in us, and if they are there and they are acting in our stead, we have to recognize that something has been stirred and has stepped up and out of our mouth that feels like us because it's part of our past but that cannot be who we are in reality or at least who we know we ought to be, and therefore, we have to do something that this book is all about. We have to recognize that love would not make anyone suffer. Another way of putting it. Why is my suffering in that moment more important than your suffering? Why is what I am suffering over if I love you, why would I want to add 1 ounce of more suffering to your life? Neil Sattin: Right. Yeah, this is something that I found really profound in, if you can recognize that... And this was what you wrote about, that if you can recognize that the pain in your partner is what probably produced that comment in the first place, like if you saw a defenseless creature in pain you would show up to try and help that defenseless creature, you wouldn't kick it in the head, right? Guy Finley: And you wouldn't even know if it tries to bite you, that it couldn't do anything else. Neil Sattin: Right. Guy Finley: You would know it. And knowing that, which is, see, look, my new book is the culmination of 40 years of writing and speaking. It brings about a very simple point that if we're willing to receive it, it makes change possible in the moment, not as an intellectual exercise by which we hope going into appointed moment we won't punish somebody. And certainly not afterwards as a retrospective event where I blame myself or think I could have done better, what I call a reflective event. I understand that in me is a pain I didn't know was in me. It was concealed until you said what you did. Now I'm going to pick up the tab, I'm going to do the one thing I've never done in my whole life with someone who has said the cruel comment or done something that upsets me, I'm going to live with my own pain. I'm not going to blame you for it, I'm not going to point it out to you, I'm going to in effect go quiet inwardly in that moment so that rather than listening to voices that then become my mouth speaking what causes others to suffer, I'm going to listen to my own voices, how they want to leap out, how they want to have an enemy, someone to make feel bad for the bad way they made me feel. And in that patience, which is a keyword. You know the original, the ancient meaning of the word patience, Neil? Neil Sattin: No. Guy Finley: To suffer myself. Neil Sattin: Yes. Guy Finley: I think that's the most beautiful thing in the world, because you see, if I can in the moment, my wife throws the... Did that wrapper, did that just manifest itself on the counter? And we can all hear the tone, we know what sarcasm is. Right? Neil Sattin: Right. Guy Finley: It's instantaneous and bang! Like that, comes up, this pain I didn't know was there. Neil Sattin: And to be fair to Chloe, she actually was very light and almost joking about it, like it wasn't even sarcastic, it was light and yet it did hit me that strongly. Guy Finley: Yeah, but see, if there wasn't pain behind it, would she call it out or just pick it up? Neil Sattin: Right. She would have just picked it up. Guy Finley: I mean obviously, and I'm not, again, there's no condemnation in this. All of humanity, all of us live in this level of consciousness that doesn't know what to do with its pain. So to the point, here I am, and in that split second if I can bear myself, meaning bear what has been revealed in me by the comment, the sarcastic, intended or not, comment in that split second something had happened that is the true magic. And here it is, I don't return unkindness for unkindness. And when I don't return unkindness for unkindness, my wife, Chloe, whoever it may be, is left holding the bomb they threw. In fact, they're shocked because the part of them that pronounced that cruel or otherwise sarcastic comment suddenly has nothing to validate its pain because now, Neil, Guy is not returning pain for pain, and the pattern has a chance to collapse on the spot so that the whole thing is revealed in that heartbeat when one of us as a partner agrees to bear the responsibility of the pain that's been driving the pattern. Guy Finley: Boy, we're talking about hard work and lots of missteps but man, can I tell you after 40 years the beauty of this because now my wife, my husband, my partner has space to see themselves as they are, instead of mechanically blaming me for their pain because of what they say I am. They get to meet their own limitation, which is this unconscious negative reaction instead of it being validated by my unconscious reaction to their commentary. It's a game changer in the truest sense of what love has always intended for us to do and be with each other, which is to work as polishing stones so that what comes out of the moment is shinier, truer, better, a more pure reflection of what love intends for us and by the way why it brought us together to that end. Neil Sattin: Okay, so there are two things jumping out at me right now. Guy Finley: Yes. Neil Sattin: One of them is, I would love to distinguish what we're talking about from maybe the flip side pattern that can happen in a relationship where there's never conflict, and yet it's not a system that's fostering love. In fact, it fosters resentment because things aren't being surfaced. So that's the first part. And then... Guy Finley: They're being surfaced, Neil. Neil Sattin: Go ahead. Neil Sattin: They're just being ignored. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah, great. Guy Finley: Yeah, that's a very important distinction because what you just said is the slow motion death, not of love, the slow motion death of the possibility of two people awakening through and with each other, to a higher order of their own being that love makes possible. So, example... Neil Sattin: Now, I wish I had read the book before the wrapper moment happened because I'm hoping that we can also paint a picture and maybe that's what you're about to do with this example of how that unfolding might take place. You used strong language earlier, which was like, we want those parts to die, the parts of us. And I'm curious to know what that actually... What that looks like, what that experience is like, and what that might have been like in the kitchen that night with me and Chloe. Guy Finley: Alright, so here I am, I'll play Neil, okay. Neil Sattin: Okay. Guy Finley: And everybody can play Neil, at least as far as we're able to follow this. My wife drops the bomb. Doesn't look like a bomb, and in fact, she's trying to make it not look like a bomb, but it's a bomb, and suddenly I have a reaction. Now for the longest time I can't begin to encourage the listeners to understand this. We don't know that we're combustible. Were you thinking Neil, prior to that? You're in this contented state, you're working together, getting the kitchen set, having a nice dialogue, working together as men and women should, as partner should. Does Neil know there's something combustible in him? Neil Sattin: No, and in fact this is why I love the shift that I feel like your book is creating in me. Because not only did I not know it was there but because I combusted and immediately my thought was, I want to blame her. If she knew how to act in a situation like this, then that... Exactly. So that's the pattern that I personally want to see end in myself. Guy Finley: Yes, exactly. So you said you have children. Neil Sattin: I do. Yeah. Guy Finley: How old are they? Neil Sattin: They are nine and eleven. Guy Finley: That's perfect. Okay, so let's say just for grins I don't know what it would be, maybe you're out with one of them and maybe it's... You hand them a fishing rod, and say, "This is how you cast the lure, you throw them a football and they can't catch it 'cause their hands aren't big enough. Would you get angry at your child for not being able to catch a football that you throw at them? Neil Sattin: No, of course not. Guy Finley: No that would be ludicrous, why? Because the child has limitations. I'm not going to blame my child, for the fact that it can't hold on to a football yet or thumb the reel when it cast the lure. Neil Sattin: Right. Guy Finley: It doesn't have the capacity to do it yet. But when we blame our partner for producing this discontentment in us, for being the seed of this conflict, are we not in essence saying, You know what, you have this limitation, Chloe. You could have been like this, and if you've been like that then you would fulfill my expectation, and it would be no more pain. Yes? Neil Sattin: Right, yeah, exactly. Guy Finley: So we see the person who is producing in a sense, this moment of disturbance. We see the problem as being their limitation. They're not meeting our expectation, we don't know that we walk around expecting that our husband or wife, or partner be at all times, everything that we have written a list for them to be. What would happen if, this won't happen directly, but one day you'll see it, everyone will who will work with these ideas. My partner says something to me, the little offhanded comment, and then instead of, as I usually do, responding with resistance mechanically, a tit for tat. I was able to, have literally appear in my hand this list that says, "The 444 things that no one is ever supposed to say to me." Well, we laugh at it 'cause it sounds silly, yet with God as my witness, that's what we have living in our nature. Neil Sattin: Right, right, yeah. Guy Finley: So then I start to realize, hold on a second, the limitation isn't my wife's it's mine. 'Cause I only know how to respond by letting this list tell me how people are supposed to be and this isn't even my list, it got made over time. It was produced by a host of painful circumstances that I never was able to figure out. So all I could do was think about them, in other words, now formulate them, get them into something I could live with and then I think that gets buried and goes away, but those moments don't go away. They live as objects of thought, literally formations in our psychology that when the proper circumstances appear, much as a seed sprouts when the nourishment it needs happens, up comes this list and the item on it and then by God, I know I'm right and you're wrong. Guy Finley: We're saying, "Can we understand now that within us lives this lower unconscious unloving nature, and that when stimulated by circumstance, it's going to do the only thing it knows to do 'cause if we can know that this is what Christ called Metanoia, this new knowledge, a new understanding that allows us, literally the translation of the word repent, to turn around in the moment and see what we're actually looking at instead of what something in us wants to point to for our pain. "Cause if we can do that, Neil, then we can begin to understand our tendency, and then we take our awareness of that tendency into that moment with us and then we begin to wake up. We begin to let the moments that beat us up, become the moments that make us better, because we're agreeing to see our own limitations, what Love is showing us is keeping us from being truly loving. Neil Sattin: So when I notice that I am in a moment and experiencing pain and in fairness to Chloe, it could have just as easily been me saying... Having something to complain about... Guy Finley: Of course, of course. Neil Sattin: To start it all off. So when I notice, okay, I'm experiencing pain and I want to fix something right now, what... what do I do... I'm right there in that moment. Guy Finley: I know, I can hear you, man. Look, you said the... Exactly the... "And I want to fix something." I'm going to fix Chloe. Chloe is going to fix me. And nothing gets fixed other than a growing body of resentment from conditions never resolved consciously through love. So here's how it gets fixed. I stop trying to fix my partner and I stop trying to fix myself. Instead, and this is an exercise 'cause we're getting to that point where we need something where we can get our hands on a practical set of actions. You might want to write it down, listeners. I call it stop, drop and endure. Neil's ahead of me. Stop, drop and endure. All right, I know my proclivity, all my wife has to do is say, "You know that shirt's a little tight on you. Really, you're having another helping? Why don't we drive out to the winery in Jacksonville instead of go to the place locally? Guy Finley: Any one of a thousand things can be innocent as the day is long and maybe not even intended as you indicated to be a cutting remark because she may be just asleep psychologically, just saying what comes to her mind. But it's already interwoven. So here's the reaction, bang. So what's the first thing, Neil? Bang, come to a stop. What does it mean come to a stop? It means I know because I have been interested enough to think about it, to contemplate it, then my tendency when my wife or partner says whatever they do, is that I have a thousand tender spots. Let's use this another way, I have a dozen places in me that have never healed. They never healed. The way that my former girlfriend, husband, wife let me know that she's leaving me, it never healed. All I could do was hate my partner, regret my situation, despise myself for not being good enough to keep or to hold in place whatever it was. Guy Finley: These places have never healed. And all of this unhealed, psychologically divided mind and heart goes forward in time with me. Then I have a new partner. She says, whatever it is, and the sore spot is stimulated. Come to a stop. I know it's there, and I'm going to absolutely stop. Now, what does it mean, stop? That's the next word, drop. When I come to a stop, the intention is to see everything in me that wants to keep moving. I want to see and hear these thoughts and feelings without being mechanically identified with them and what they are trying to do as they want to fix the moment. I'm not going to fix the moment. Physician heal thyself. Instead, I'm going to drop every last one of those thoughts that come in and that want to point to my wife, my partner that moment as being the source of my pain. And if I can come to a stop and sit there and drop all of these thoughts and feelings, I'll begin to notice something extraordinary. Guy Finley: They won't let me drop them. My intention is to be the observer, the conscious witness of what love is inviting me to see, that's been concealed in me. And something doesn't want me to see anything other than who's to blame for the pain. Hold on a moment, what is that about? I say I want to heal. I say I want to be a loving partner, but now I realize there is a flood loosed in me that wants to free itself, by putting someone else into a cage. Stop, drop. Now you tell me what endure means, Neil. It means I'm going to suffer myself. Neil Sattin: Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling the waiting, basically. Guy Finley: Yes, yes. For as long... Listen to this, 'cause it answers an earlier question of yours. I'm going to suffer myself, meaning I'm going to sit and observe these thoughts and feelings instead of identify with them. I'm going to suffer myself patiently for as long as it takes for me to finally see what love has brought this moment about for, and what is it brought it about for? For me to see that there's no love in that nature. That is not who I am, and that is not who I am going to manifest. I will not incarnate what has passed and its pain and its false plans to fix things, instead I'm going to incarnate what love is asking me to incarnate in that moment, which is the revelation that the me that came into this moment, that has been revealed by it, is no longer necessary. And that Neil, is what it really means to die to ourselves because love makes it possible. Neil Sattin: Don't hate me. Guy Finley: Oh no. Neil Sattin: What happens next? 'Cause I'm imagining this, and in fact, the sense that I feel is actually a whole lot of grief. That's the first thing that comes up for me, is like seeing all of that, all of that pain and all of the ways that I would want to lash out and recognizing that that's not love, and... Guy Finley: Yeah, isn't that extraordinary? And by the way, that's... At a certain level of development, which I'm glad to speak with you as you're experiencing this. Isn't it phenomenal that when I hear about what it means to love my neighbor as myself, that no greater love does a husband have than laying down his life for his wife, or vice versa, whoever the partner may be. And that my response to that part of me that can hear that, but doesn't... Is grief. What would grieve for the loss of something that only wants to produce the continuation of pattern? Yeah, isn't that beautiful, Neil? Man, this is what... Whether it not... Anybody here with us listening, it doesn't matter to me. I'm... Obviously, I want everybody to hear this, but what a marvelous point of connection for you and I, to unfold something so that I can actually suspect for the first time, maybe good God, there is something in me that's grieving over not having a good reason to be mad. Neil Sattin: Yeah, and as I'm really tuning in, I think some of it also is a sense of shame that... Guy Finley: I get it. Yes. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Shame that that's what I've done or where I would want to go, or... Yeah. Guy Finley: Yes, yes. I'm greatly enjoying the conversation. Look, everybody write this down, please. There is no such thing as a bad fact about yourself, there is no such thing as a bad fact about yourself. Facts are friends, but we have a nature conditioned over time, that's more interested in appearance than it is in being. Being is the moment-to-moment expression. Love is the moment-to-moment relationship between facts. So as we grow to understand these things and begin to have some of these wonderful exchanges and experiences, whether it's just first with our minds, and then with our hearts, it doesn't matter 'cause we can start to understand. We are the last section for the book, we are in training. You don't punish someone who's in training unless you don't know you're in training. So when we get this and start realizing, God I can see... You know what, I can feel it in the deepest part of myself. Guy Finley: Not only have I missed the mark, I didn't even know what it was. Then everything's explained in that moment, because... And now to answer your question again, what happens next? This is my favorite part. Can a pattern go on if any part of the pattern is changed in the truest sense of it? Neil Sattin: It seems that it would be different from that point forward. Guy Finley: It cannot go on. It's even... Physics states it this way, "Change the observer and the observed changes." That's some theory or another that the observer changes what is observed by him, or her. So here I am, and let's just say for the sake of argument that I catch what we've been talking about in the middle of that moment. Maybe I'm on the freeway and here comes somebody barreling up behind me or someone cuts me off or someone passes me in the fast lane, and then drives slow to punish me. In that moment, can I see that the condition has not created the pain, but it's revealing a part of me that is sure that it has expectation and a list that this isn't supposed to be this way and therefore wants to respond with unkindness. If I can just see that much and even think... Wait a minute... This is the moment I've been waiting for. In that split second I am no longer the man or the woman I was, leading up to that moment. Because something... A bit of light, bit of love has come in to interrupt the pattern. Guy Finley: Maybe I go on and lose my temper. Maybe I say the passive aggressive remark. Maybe I stew, but the fact is, now I'm more aware of what has happened after the event than I was before. Because I realize the repercussion is actually the continuation of this unconscious nature that I was unable to not express in that moment. And here is the final word, at least as far as this question. If I change, my partner has to change. If I'm not the same, they have to see where they're being the same and have a chance to step out of that space. As I change, I give my partner the space they need to change. So in those relationships where nothing is said and all is this sort of horrible compromise building into a ball of resentment that ultimately boils over. One little change produces the possibility of a greater change. It's the most wonderful thing in the world that love makes possible. But it always begins with us, not with our partner, not with what we act out toward them, but what we see in ourselves and then accept as our responsibility to be present enough to to witness that a change can take place in us first. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that because I think that would probably be the natural question that many of you listening would have, which is like, "Well, something like how much of being treated this way am I supposed to tolerate? How much stopping, dropping, and enduring am I supposed to do in this situation? Guy Finley: Exactly. And there's, again, there's a whole section in the book about that too. You're not on this planet to let anybody abuse you. In fact, any abusive relationship that we stay in is because we're enabling it, we have a part of ourself that would actually rather live with someone to resent than to be on our own and not know who we are through that resentment. The only thing that troubles us about other people, Neil, in the end is what we want from them. And when we start to understand that most of what we want from others is a way in which we can keep these debts running, then we want to pay the tab. And if someone continues to abuse us, and I mean if anybody abuses you physically and you say, "That's that. Don't do that again or I'm gone," and then you're not gone, it's your fault. "I know, well, I have kids and I've gotta know what'll happen to me." Do not stay with people who abuse you, period. They will never change until you change. It's the only hope that abusive person has 'cause they don't know, good God, do you think a parent would deliberately abuse a child if the parent knew for a split second the child wasn't responsible for the pain they're in, that's producing that horrid outcome? Guy Finley: We are complicit in relationships where pain keeps itself alive because we use it to prove the other person's responsible. So, no abuse of relationship continually. No. But neither do we sit and live with a mind that says, "You know, she keeps bringing up that I shouldn't have that second glass of wine, she's abusing me." No, she may have a point. Then it's up to you to discover that, use those moments and become a different kind of person, which might include by the way, not wanting the intoxicating cup. Neil Sattin: Right. While I'm stopping, dropping, and enduring what might I communicate to my partner? Is there anything that you think is helpful? Guy Finley: I'm glad you asked that. Yes, you do not say, "Listen, I'm enduring you Guy Finley: This is not meant religiously, but it's all part of this beautiful golden thread that winds through our life and relationships. Christ said, when you go in the closet, when you pray go in the closet, do not let anybody know you're praying. Same thing, Buddha, all the great saints, prophets, all spoke of the same thing. If I'm going to change, I can't announce it because the change hasn't taken place yet, I'm agreeing to go through it and if I point out to my wife or partner, "Look, I'm going through this change because of you," I've just thrown the passive-aggressive comment out, haven't I? So I have to learn what it means to be silent and I might just say, "You know what, let me if you want, if we have to have a way to deal with it, look, I'm just not going to take part in an argument, I'm just not going to do it. And you may not think that what you said was hurtful, but it hurt me but I don't want to hurt you back. So for now, I'm just going to put this down. You do with it what you want to do, but I'm done with the fight." And if you really mean it, not because you have an image of yourself as someone who wants to be like that, but who agrees to put down the fighting nature, you will see in yourself and you'll be shocked at what happens to your partner if you actually say to them, "Do you want to go on with this, that's your business. I'm done with it." Guy Finley: And listen to this, Neil, 'cause you even said it, when you said suddenly I feel grief while hearing these ideas, your partner when you say to them, "I'm not going to continue this negativity," they're going to say, "What's wrong? You don't love me?" And you're actually doing what you're doing for the sake of love, and you know it, but they can't see it yet. Can you sense some of that, Neil? Neil Sattin: Yeah. Well, one thing that I think is the gift here is, in some respects it takes that pain and it depersonalizes it so that I could see in a moment like that, and hopefully before those moments happen, being able to talk to your partner and say, "Wow, you know, I just read this book by Guy Finley," or, "I just heard this podcast episode and I'm seeing how like pain exists in me, in us waiting for an opportunity to like spring." Guy Finley: I love it, Neil. I love it. Neil Sattin: So in a moment like that, being able to say, "Whoa! The pain in me just reared its head," and almost like, "This isn't about you. I just need to step back from this for a moment." And there's something in me, Guy, that wants more around the enduring like, I'm going to stay here, I'm going to endure, I don't know what happens at that point. Guy Finley: Yeah. You know what? You can't know. You can only be. Neil Sattin: Yeah. Guy Finley: See, I want to know 'cause I want to be safe, I want to feel secure, spiritual, intelligent, loving on top of it. That's where all the pain has come from, that nature that wants to know going in how things should be, or that already knows how things should be going in. That's where the conflict is. See, here this will help maybe, Neil. Neil Sattin: Great. Guy Finley: 'Cause this book actually, I swear to God, this book came out of an experience that I had when I first fell in love, which I'm almost 70. So what was that? Fifty-three years ago, I fell in love and I already, I'd been on the path. My spiritual life started around the age of 6, that's another story. But I didn't understand much of it, but I was with my partner and I said to her, "You know what?" I said, "Let's agree, you and I, that love is more important than any of the personal issues that want to pull us apart." I'm not even sure what I'm saying. I said these words, and yet I know that we'll have disagreements. "Let's agree that when we have a disagreement, love is going to be more important than what wants to pull us apart. Can we do that?" And of course she said yes and I said yes, but we weren't mature enough to even understand. I didn't understand what I was talking about, 53 years later I understand. Guy Finley: That you can say to Chloe, listen, I'm having some revelations, I'm seeing new stuff and I never want to hurt you as long as I live, I never want to hurt you, and I know you love me and I know you never want to hurt me. So let's agree right now that we're never going to hurt each other. And then because I also know, as I'm sure you do, that while our aim is lofty, we live from a nature that isn't going to be able to live up yet to what love is prescribing as our partnership and the way it grows. So instead of them blaming each other when we can't live out our agreement, we will step back both of us and see the parts of ourselves unable to keep the contract we have with love, then we're not going to blame each other and we're not even going to blame ourselves. We're going to be different people because we see on one hand, where we're compromised and because of the revelation of the compromise itself will know what we can and can't do next time. Yes? Neil Sattin: Yeah, I'm soaking all that in. You can't see my head nodding but I'm just reveling in those words, yeah. Guy Finley: This is so important, God help us. Look, anything that's right, bright and true in this world, no human being is the sponsor of. We are the instruments of what is right, bright and true including love. When we understand that an instrument can be played by something that serves its own interests and that its interests don't serve love, then we stand in a place where we can start to recognize this is an ill wind that's starting to blow through me and by God, I'm not going to share it with my partner, I'm going to let it buffet me so I can die to it. And then we have something real to work with. Neil Sattin: Yeah, I think we might have to... So for those of you at home who are listening to this, my wish for you is that you're able to experiment with what we're talking about. And of course, there are more nuances that Guy writes about in the book, Relationship Magic. And please send us your feedback, neilius@neilsattin.com. Or, there's a Relationship Alive community on Facebook, tell us about your experiences. I could envision a follow up at some point, Guy, where we talk about what happened after. What happened after we endured? Guy Finley: Yeah, you know what, ordinarily I do so many interviews, but I would... If you want to follow up, it's done. Neil Sattin: Great. Great, well, we will keep in touch about that. Guy Finley: Alright. Neil Sattin: In the meantime, it is such a pleasure to have you here and an honor to be able to talk with you about this book that's the hot off the presses, and yet the culmination of 40 years or more, 53 years of experience, Relationship Magic: Waking Up Together. You can visit relationshipmagicbook.com, and if you order the book, you can go there and you can instantly get an audio version of the book. Are you reading that, Guy? Guy Finley: I'm sorry, say that again. Neil Sattin: Are you the person who's reading the audio book that people will get? Guy Finley: Yes, yes. Yes, I've... It is I. Neil Sattin: Great. So you can get the audio book and I saw that there are a bunch of other bonuses that you can get. So a lot of special gifts for purchasing the Relationship Magic book, and you can also visit guyfinley.org where you can read more about Guy and his work. What's the name of your center again, Guy? Guy Finley: I live in southern Oregon, and I teach at Life of Learning Foundation three times, four times a week, open to everyone. People come from all around the world, and there's a body of 50 or a hundred students who actually live in the area now, and a $3 donation at the door, no one's turned away, nothing to join. Just a group of men and women just like Neil and myself who want to understand a little bit more about how love works. Neil Sattin: Well, I appreciate you illuminating a little bit more of the journey for me and for us here on Relationship Alive today, so thank you so much, Guy. And just as a reminder, if you want to download the transcript, you can visit neilsattin.com/magic. We'll also have all the links that I mentioned or you can text the word Passion to the number 33444, and follow the instructions. Such a pleasure to have you with us here today, Guy. Guy Finley: Thanks, Neil. It was just a really good conversation.

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170: Love Better By Becoming Your Authentic Self

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 24, 2018 58:13

Just be yourself. Easier said than done in this mixed up and sometimes crazy world. Gender roles, stereotypes, expectations and culture all shape how we see ourselves. The search for your authentic self can help improve your relationship in ways you never thought imaginable. Listen to today's episode and learn! In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: Understanding how gender roles and stereotypes can shape how we perceive ourselves and negatively affect relationships. Tools to explore 'inner space' and work toward the most authentic version of yourself. Pushing yourself to go outside your comfort zones to explore your identity. How to talk to your partner about authenticity in each other and the relationship. Asking yourself, "what parts of myself am I too shy to share?", and how this exercise can lead to relationship breakthroughs. How the LGBT community is leading the way in authenticity and acceptance and what heterosexual's can learn from them. And much more! Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, popular Psychology Today blogger, and author of the bestseller Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. He's also the host of the new Deeper Dating Podcast. He has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Fox News, WPIX-TV News, Match.com, ChristianMingle, JDate and more. Page has led hundreds of workshops on intimacy and spirituality for thousands of participants. His work has been highly acclaimed by numerous top thought leaders, including Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Arielle Ford, Edward Hallowell, MD, Chip Conley, Judith Orloff, MD. and Katherine Woodward Thomas Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/170 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors J.J. Virgin’s 7-Day Stop, Drop & Swap Challenge: The 7-Day Challenge is designed to help you stop classic symptoms of food intolerance and drop up to 7 pounds in 7 days by swapping out 7 problem foods for healthy, tasty alternatives. Join here! Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

87. Name v. Law

The Allusionist

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 21, 2018 29:07

Iceland has quite exacting laws about what its citizens can be named, and only around 4,000 names are on the officially approved list. If you want a name that deviates from that list, you have to send an application to the Icelandic Naming Committee, whose three members will decide whether or not you’re allowed it. And if they say you’re not…you might have to take things pretty far. There’s more about this episode at http://theallusionist.org/icelandic-names. The Allusionist live tour is ON NOW, at cities in the US and Canada during October and November 2018: show listings are at http://theallusionist.org/events. The Allusionist’s online home is http://theallusionist.org. Stay in touch at http://twitter.com/allusionistshow and http://facebook.com/allusionistshow. The Allusionist is a proud member of Radiotopia from PRX, a collective of the best podcasts on the interwaves. Hear all the shows at http://radiotopia.fm. Thanks to today’s sponsor, Babbel. Learn fourteen languages in quick, fun and interactive lessons. Try Babbel for free via their app or babbel.com.

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163: A Surprising Way to Create More Generosity in Your Relationship - with Neil Sattin

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 18, 2018 18:48

One of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship is the level of generosity that’s taking place in it. Today we’re going to uncover one of the biggest obstacles to fostering generosity in your relationships - and...it’s probably not what you think! After today's episode, you'll have new ways to amplify the love and generosity - not only in your primary relationship, but in ALL your relationships. Are there places where you're holding back? Not after today's episode! As always, I’m looking forward to your thoughts on this episode and what revelations and questions it creates for you. Please join us in the Relationship Alive Community on Facebook to chat about it! Sponsors: Along with our amazing listener supporters (you know who you are - thank you!), this week's episode is being sponsored by Babbel.com. The world's best-selling language learning app makes it easy for you to learn French, Spanish, Italian, Russian, Danish - and many more languages. Is there's a language you've always wanted to learn? Try Babbel for FREE at Babbel.com and discover how easy it can be. Resources Check out Episode 101 - Creating a User Manual for You I want to know you better! Take the quick, anonymous, Relationship Alive survey FREE Guide to Neil's Top 3 Relationship Communication Secrets Guide to Understanding Your Needs (and Your Partner's Needs) in Relationship (ALSO FREE) Support the podcast (or text "SUPPORT" to 33444) Amazing intro and outtro music provided courtesy of The Railsplitters

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169: Get The Love You Deserve

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 17, 2018 43:09

It's easy to lower our self worth in a relationship. Maybe it's because you are so madly in love you'll do just about anything for your partner — no matter how bad they treat you. Maybe they don't treat you terribly, but you have this itch that makes you think they should be treating you better. Listen to today's show to learn how to communicate and get the love you deserve! In this episode we discuss relationship advice topics that include: How to not lose your identity in your relationship or in your life in general. The importance of putting yourself first. Understanding your needs and communicating them to your partner. Why you should not be 'keeping score' in your relationship. Using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. And much more! Marisa Peer is a world renowned speaker, Rapid Transformational Therapy trainer and best-selling author. She has nearly three decades of experience as a therapist and has been named Best British Therapist by Men's Health magazine and featured in Tatler's Guide to Britain's 250 Best Doctors. Full show notes and episode links at: http://idopodcast.com/169 Sign up for our 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge here: 14 Day Happy Couples Challenge Join our 5 Day Couples Appreciation Challenge here: idopodcast.com/appreciation Do you want to hear more on this topic? Continue the conversation on our Facebook Group here: Love Tribe Sponsors J.J. Virgin’s 7-Day Stop, Drop & Swap Challenge: The 7-Day Challenge is designed to help you stop classic symptoms of food intolerance and drop up to 7 pounds in 7 days by swapping out 7 problem foods for healthy, tasty alternatives. Join here! Spark My Relationship Course: Get access to our special offer for I Do Podcast listeners only by visiting: SparkMyRelationship.com/Unlock Babbel: The #1 selling language learning app in the world. Try Babbel for free by visiting Babbel.com or downloading the app. If you love this episode (and our podcast!), would you mind giving us a review in iTunes? It would mean the world to us and we promise it only takes a minute. Many thanks in advance! - Chase & Sarah

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307 - How to Land Your Dream Job (feat. Jason Feifer)

Tiny Leaps, Big Changes

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 16, 2018 38:58

In this episode, I sit down with Jason Feifer to talk about how he landed his position as the Editor-In-Chief of Entrepreneur Magazine and his upcoming book "Mr. Nice Guy". Buy the book: https://www.amazon.com/Mr-Nice-Guy-Jennifer-Miller/dp/1250189888 Try Babbel: http://babbel.com Join The Lab: http://tinyleapslab.com --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

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304 - Who Are You?

Tiny Leaps, Big Changes

Play Episode Listen Later Oct 4, 2018 15:18

In this episode, we talk about identity and how you can use it to accomplish your goals. Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMarN41uJqE Join The Lab: http://tinyleapslab.com Try Babbel: http://babbel.com or download the app --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app

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964: Being Positive by Tynan

Play Episode Listen Later Aug 1, 2018 8:05

Tynan shares how to be positive with stories from his life. Episode 964: Being Positive by Tynan (How to be More Confident & Optimistic in Any Situation & Empowering Yourself to Live Free). Tynan was named as one of the top 25 best bloggers in 2013 by Time Magazine. He believes in making deliberate decisions and breaking away from the herd mentality. He likes learning new things, building habits, exposing the world, connecting with awesome people, and creating good work. The New York Times Bestseller “The Game” featured him as one of the main characters, as he was one of the most famous pickup artists in the world. In 2008, he sold everything he owned and went on an extended world trip, becoming a fervent minimalist. Fun facts: he’s a college dropout, was a professional poker player, Courtney Love was his roommate for 9 months, and he once built a swimming pool in his living room. The original post is located here: http://tynan.com/positive Please Rate & Review the Show! Visit Me Online at OLDPodcast.com and in The O.L.D. Facebook Group and Join the Ol' Family to get your Free Gifts! Learn Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, and more! Try Babbel for free--go to Babbel.com or download the app! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/optimal-living-daily/support

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961: The Long-Lost Thrill of Doing Nothing by David Cain of Raptitude

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 29, 2018 7:40

David Cain of Raptitude shares the long-lost thrill of doing.. nothing. Episode 961: The Long-Lost Thrill of Doing Nothing by David Cain of Raptitude (Compulsive Planning & Living Spontaneously Today). David Cain is a writer and entrepreneur living in Winnipeg, Canada. On a particular boring day at his office job in 2009, he started Raptitude. His interest has always been human society and the internal human experience, and Raptitude became his megaphone for his thoughts about those things. It found an audience rather quickly and it’s been central to his life ever since. In 2013, he left his day job to write full time. The original post is located here: https://www.raptitude.com/2017/08/the-long-lost-thrill-of-doing-nothing Please Rate & Review the Show! Visit Me Online at OLDPodcast.com and in The O.L.D. Facebook Group and Join the Ol' Family to get your Free Gifts! Learn Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, and more! Try Babbel for free--go to Babbel.com or download the app! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/optimal-living-daily/support

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956: 4 Good Reminders When You've Had a Bad Day by Angel Chernoff of Marc and Angel

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 24, 2018 8:27

Angel of Marc & Angel Hack Life shares 4 good reminders when you've had a bad day. Episode 956: 4 Good Reminders When You've Had a Bad Day by Angel Chernoff of Marc and Angel (Positive Thoughts & Happiness). Marc and Angel Chernoff are professional coaches, full-time students of life, admirers of the human spirit, and have been recognized by Forbes as having “one of the most popular personal development blogs.” Through their blog, book, course and coaching, they’ve spent the past decade writing about and teaching proven strategies for finding lasting happiness, success, love and peace. The site has attracted over 100 million page views and 100 thousand subscribers since its inception in 2006. Their first book, “1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently“ is a focused collection of short, concise tips and reflections on the little things that make a huge difference in our daily lives. It’s available online at: marcandangel.com/book and on Amazon. The original post is located here: http://www.marcandangel.com/2014/04/09/4-good-reminders-when-youve-had-a-bad-day Please Rate & Review the Show! Visit Me Online at OLDPodcast.com and in The O.L.D. Facebook Group and Join the Ol' Family to get your Free Gifts! Learn Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, and more! Try Babbel for free--go to Babbel.com or download the app! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/optimal-living-daily/support

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948: 8 Changes I Experienced After Giving Up TV by Steve Pavlina

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 16, 2018 8:04

Steve Pavlina shares 8 changes he experienced after giving up TV. Episode 948: 8 Changes I Experienced After Giving Up TV by Steve Pavlina (Minimalism & How to Start a Minimalist Lifestyle). Steve Pavlina is widely recognized as one of the most successful personal development bloggers on the Internet, with his work attracting more than 100 million visits to his website, StevePavlina.com. He has written more than 1300 articles and recorded many audio programs on a broad range of self-help topics, including productivity, relationships, and spirituality. Steve has been quoted as an expert by the New York Times, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, the Los Angeles Daily News, Self Magazine, The Guardian, and countless other publications. He's also a frequent guest on popular podcasts and radio shows. The original post is located here: https://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2006/08/8-changes-i-experienced-after-giving-up-tv Please Rate & Review the Show! Visit Me Online at OLDPodcast.com and in The O.L.D. Facebook Group and Join the Ol' Family to get your Free Gifts! Learn Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, and more! Try Babbel for free--go to Babbel.com or download the app! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/optimal-living-daily/support

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946: The Worry Trap: 10 Simple Ways to Break Free by Courtney Carver of Be More With Less

Play Episode Listen Later Jul 14, 2018 8:04

Courtney Carver of Be More With Less shares 10 simple ways to break free from the worry trap. Episode 946: The Worry Trap: 10 Simple Ways to Break Free by Courtney Carver of Be More With Less (Overcoming Fear & Anxiety). Courtney Carver was stopped in her tracks with a scary MS diagnosis after decades of debt, discontent, and trying to do it all. She had to slow down, prioritize her health, and figure out what was really important in her life. She discovered what mattered most by getting rid of everything that didn’t matter at all. In the end it all came down to love and health. She went from a busy, overwhelmed advertising director to spending 2-3 hours every morning taking care of herself, loving her work, and being present and engaged with the people she loves. Her family changed, too. They moved from wanting bigger closets, nicer furniture, and more stuff to downsizing into a 750 sq. ft apartment with no storage. Courtney has written books, courses, and hundreds of articles to help you simplify your life and work so you can focus on what really matters. The original post is located here: https://bemorewithless.com/worry-trap Please Rate & Review the Show! Visit Me Online at OLDPodcast.com and in The O.L.D. Facebook Group and Join the Ol' Family to get your Free Gifts! Learn Spanish, French, Italian, German, Russian, Swedish, and more! Try Babbel for free--go to Babbel.com or download the app! --- Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/optimal-living-daily/support

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937: The 4 Keys to Finding Ambition by Ramit Sethi of I Will Teach You to be Rich