Podcasts about whatchoo

Before we talk about the overall phenomenon and legacy of Occupy Wall Street, we briefly acknowledge the final betweeted words of OJ Simpson: "Hospice? Whatchoo talkin bout hospice?" Referenced previous episodes: 124 - The Lost Boomer Death Squad Crossover Episode070 - The CDC and Bill Gates: Normalizing Death013 - WAR IS A RACKET!Commiserate on Discord: discord.gg/aDf4Yv9PrYSupport: patreon / buzzsproutNever Forget: standwithdanielhale.orgGeneral RecommendationsJosh's Recommendations: 1) Bones and All 2) O.J.: Made in America 3) The People v. O. J. SimpsonTim's Recommendation: The Great GatsbyFurther Reading, Viewing, ListeningFull list of links, sources, etc More From Joshua Nomen-MutatioThe band he hits drums 'n' such with: Gorymurgy (links to just about everything) More specifically: Music videos, live show videos, etc.More From Timothy Robert BuechnerQ&T ARE@ROHDUTCHLocationless Locationsheatdeathpod.comEvery show-related link is corralled and available here.Twitter: @heatdeathpodPlease send all Letters of Derision, Indifference, Inquiry, Mild Elation, et cetera to: heatdeathoftheuniversepodcast@gmail.comSupport the show

Good morning and welcome to the ride!  "Whatchoo talkin' about Willis?"See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Keith Olbermann has lost his mind. He claimed Riley Gaines sucked at swimming then had it thrown back in his face. We react. Plus, the biggest and best college football matchups of the weekend. Whatchoo gon' do?! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Colin finally gets to shoot his shot. Whatchoo think? --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/mametalcast/message

 In this ep, I talk a bit about a dead collector, and then lay out my plans for the end of October/start of November.Sorry about the title.To download the episode, Right-Click HERE.To support me on Patreon, click HERE.Logo by Gino "Whatta Behind" Moretto.

Rev. Jim Willis re-joins us in the Garden. He was a clergyman for over 4 decades and is the author of approximately 20 books. We discuss the origins of human culture historically and biblically, which both point to Anatolia. From what is modern day Turkey, we follow the rivers into Sumeria and Babylon to reviews creation legends and mythology with another stop Westerly in Canaan. There's more. There's always more in the Garden. As a bonus, we discuss Jim's views on what first contact protocols should be when there is an alien revelation.

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    

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A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

Rev. Jim Willis re-joins us in the Garden. He was a clergyman for over 4 decades and is the author of approximately 20 books. We discuss the origins of human culture historically and biblically, which both point to Anatolia. From what is modern day Turkey, we follow the rivers into Sumeria and Babylon to reviews creation legends and mythology with another stop Westerly in Canaan. There's more. There's always more in the Garden. As a bonus, we discuss Jim's views on what first contact protocols should be when there is an alien revelation.

Lem and Fanshaw roll into a little town just in time to stop an unjust hanging... but can they find out who truly deserves the rope?   Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts / Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw  -  J. Hoverson Sheriff Mortimer - Rick Lewis Larkey Collins - J.D. Lloyd Harp Fowler - Molly Tollefson Maddy Fowler - Krystal Baker Lute Fowler - Gene Thorkildsen Amity Fowler - Kris Keppeler Meg Pickens - Julia Lorraine Rafe Jenkins - Reynaud LeBoeuf Kentucky Pete - Sidney Williams (Fear On Demand) Jeb - Robyn Paterson (Kung Fu Action Theatre) Gabby, dead drunk - Sean Connor Harmonica music by Jere Canote (Canote.com) Other Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Cover Photo:  Lauren Burbank (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell...?" ******************************************************************** A HANGING AT PICKENS ROCK Cast: [credits/olivia] Lemuel Roberts, the Deadeye kid Clarence Fanshaw Lute Fowler, accused murderer Harp Fowler, 11 Madrigal "Maddy" Fowler, 7 Amity Fowler, dead mother Rafe Jenkins, victim Sheriff Mortimer Larky Collins, henchman Meg Pickens, Rafe's fiancee Kentucky Pete, Gambler Gabby, town drunk OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a mountain pass in late spring, can't you tell?  1_ARRIVING MUSIC SOUND    EARLY MORNING NOISE, WOODS, TWO HORSES AMBLING FANSHAW    So many things I miss - out in the wilderness like this. LEMUEL    What?  You got air and water.  Freedom.  What else you need? FANSHAW    [longing] Tea.  LEMUEL    There's tea all over.  But you cain't even-- FANSHAW    It's not the drink itself, it's the act - the ceremony, if you will, of taking tea.  Tea and crumpets.  LEMUEL    What on god's green earth is a crumpet? FANSHAW    It's a... a... rather like a muffin, but more... refined.  LEMUEL    So you want boiled leaves and a refined muffin?  Next town we roll into, I'll make sure and rustle y'up some. FANSHAW    You don't understand.  Tea is a symbol.  Sitting down to tea with someone - it represents refinement.  Civilization. SOUND    CREAK OF SIGN HUNG FROM TREE LEMUEL    Speakin o' civilization-- FANSHAW    [sarcastic]  Ah.  Yes.  I'm certain any town out here will be chock-a-block with tea and crumpets. LEMUEL    "Pickens Rock".  Makes me think of... FANSHAW    Slim pickings? LEMUEL    [agreeing] I reckon. 2  TOWN MUSIC SOUND    SLOW HOOFBEATS ON HARDPACK.  SLIGHT ECHO, EMPTINESS FANSHAW    Slim pickings, indeed.  No one appears to be in residence. LEMUEL    Don't look abandoned, though.  Ev'thing's shut up tight.  Mebbe there's a county fair or sumpin? FANSHAW    Possible, yes.  Oh, there's someone-- LEMUEL    Sir? GABBY    [drunk and confused]  Whaa-a-at? LEMUEL    I'm shore sorry to bother you, feller, but-- GABBY    h-h-hh- who are you? LEMUEL    --where is ev'body? GABBY    They's a-a-a-all just gone off to the hangin.  Who a-a-are y'all? LEMUEL    Which way?  [prompting] To the hangin'? GABBY    Follow the rud, as you're goin.  At the fork, take a-a-a-a left.  You'll hear 'em by then.  They's mighty worked up. FANSHAW    Lemuel, what are you thinking? LEMUEL    Tell me, old feller - who they fixing to set dancin? GABBY    Nice boy, thaa-a-at Lute Fowler.  Never woulda pegged him for a-a-a drygulcher. LEMUEL    Figgers.  We never end up nowhere, but they's an emergency awaitin us.  Come on.  [clicks to the horses] SOUND    HOOVES TAKE OFF FANSHAW    [calling back] Thank you very much! GABBY    [calling] D-d-d-ont mention it! 3  CROWD MUSIC SOUND    ANGRY CROWD SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH LEMUEL    Whoa, there. SOUND     HORSES PULL UP SHORT.  CROWD     QUIETS, THEN BUZZ STARTS FANSHAW    I can't wait to hear this. LEMUEL    [through gritted teeth] Shut up.  [voice raised]  I hear there's fixin to be a hangin? CROWD    BUZZ SHERIFF    [off, yelling]  Who's askin? LEMUEL    Y'ever hear of the Texas Rangers? CROWD    BUZZ!!!!! SOUND    PEOPLE MOVE, FEET APPROACH SHERIFF    [Coming on, suppressed fury, trying to be civil]  Well, now.  This is strictly local business.  We don't need no help.  But I do thank you for looking in on us. LEMUEL     That feller on the horse?  He's your - uh - SHERIFF    Duly tried and convicted murderer. LEMUEL    Lucky town, to have a judge handy. CROWD    BUZZ of MISGIVING LARKY    Well, we don't-- SHERIFF    Put a bit in it, Larky.  We didn't need no judge, ranger.  We got ourselves a confession. LUTE    [yelling, very hoarse] I never did-- [gulp as noose is tightened] HARP and MADDY    [scream and cry] LEMUEL    Funny.  That sounds like a denial t'me.  You do realize that without a judgment from a legal court o' law, this ain't no execution, it's a murder. CROWD    BUZZ, STARTING TO FALL APART. FANSHAW    Is it?  SHERIFF    I'm the law in this here town, friend.  I don't take kindly to you walkin in here and trying to cause a commotion. LEMUEL    I ain't tryin to do nothin of the sort, Sheriff.  I just don't want to see a lawman like yerself let hisself get swept up by a mob and, uh-- FANSHAW    --be forced to condone an injustice? LEMUEL    --be forced to condone an injustice.  I know how tetchy a mob can be, and I cain't rightly blame you for not wantin a try and face 'em down - but with me at your side, I reckon we could stand. SHERIFF    [furious, but trying to stay jovial]  Well, now.  I guess I'll thank you very kindly, and..... [long breath, calming self, then turns away to call out]  Good people!  As I have long maintained, we must wait for the proper authority to conduct this properly.  We'll keep Lute Fowler locked up in jail until the circuit judge comes through next month - just as we shoulda done from the start.  [back]  Larky, go get that - gentlemen - down and back to the jail. LEMUEL    That's right big of you, Sheriff.  Now I'd be mighty honored to help you with any little thing you might need, seeing as I'm in town for a while. SHERIFF    For a while?  How long? LEMUEL    Don' rightly know.  Depends on how long it takes me to find what I'm looking for. SHERIFF    What's that? LEMUEL    'fficial business.  Caint go into it. SHERIFF    Very well, then.  I've got to get back to town, see this varmint locked up tight.  [grits teeth]  Again.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY FANSHAW    A Ranger?  You've never--? LEMUEL    Never said I was - just ast if they'd heered of 'em. FANSHAW    What happens when they demand to see your credentials?  I somehow think that things are not so different over here -  impersonating an official is bound to get you into hot water. LEMUEL    I'll cross that bridge when I get there-- HARP    Mister? LEMUEL    What?  Oh, hello l'il pardner.  Didn't I see you standin up front--? HARP    You saved my pa, din't you? MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! LEMUEL    Now, I just saw that justice is done proper-like.  If he's proven guilty, then he deserves-- HARP    He din't do none of this. MADDY    [no] Uh-uh. LEMUEL    Do either of you gotta name? [teasing] or any manners? HARP    Sorry, sir.  We's just real upset, y'unnerstand?  I'm Harp Fowler, and this is my little sister Maddy - Madrigal. LEMUEL    Well, I tell you what, Harp.  And Maddy.  I promise I will look into the case.  That's all.  If your pa's innocent, then I'll find it out.  All right? HARP    I reckon.  Well, if you need any help or anything, you can find me at the Lazy H ranch, up Blackbird Gulch.  I can shoot a gun! LEMUEL    I'll keep that in mind.  Y'all get on now. FANSHAW    [musing] Harp, Lute, and Madrigal?  What would they have named the next child? MADDY    Viola if twas a girl.  Fortay for a boy.  That's what mama always says. HARP    [annoyed] Oh, c'mon. SOUND    SMALL FEET WALK AWAY FANSHAW    [shocked] I... say. LEMUEL    What? FANSHAW    That child - the little girl.  She's...  she spoke to me.  She heard me. LEMUEL    [sorry for the kid] Damn.  4  SCENE OF THE CRIME MUSIC SOUND    FEET ON ROUGH GROUND LARKY    Just about here, I spect.  LEMUEL    Thankee kindly. LARKY    Whatchoo specting a find?  Lute kilt the Jenkins boy nigh on a week ago, and it's rained since. RAFE    Hello?  You lookin fer me? LEMUEL    Jest tryin to get a feel fer whut happened.  [beat] I kin find my own way back to town. LARKY    I'd be right pleased to get a chance to observe a real Ranger at work.  I won't make no bother.  LEMUEL    [reluctant]  Fine. RAFE    Hey, I'm over here. FANSHAW    [whisper] Keep him busy.  I'll see what I can find out. LEMUEL    [thinks, then] Where'd you say you thought the shooter was? RAFE    Shooter?  What shooter? LARKY    Up thissaway. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OFF RAFE    [calling] Hey!  Fellers! FANSHAW    Hold on there. RAFE    What you want?  FANSHAW    My apologies sir, but I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you.  RAFE    Why you talk like that? FANSHAW     There's no kind way to say this.  [sigh]  I'm afraid you are dead. RAFE    Dead?  What're you, then, an ayngel? FANSHAW    Oh!  No.  We - that gentleman over there and I - are trying to find out what happened to you. RAFE    How come he ain't askin me hisself? FANSHAW    Well, he would - but that fellow with the colorful name "Larky" would probably find it odd. RAFE    I... guess I see.  Tsch.  Dunno what I can tell you - I guess I really didn't even ... yet... FANSHAW    Realize that you're dead?  It's not uncommon, I fear. 5  OUTHOUSE MUSIC SOUND    WOODEN DOOR SWINGS SHUT LEMUEL    [quiet]  Where in hell are you, Fanshaw? FANSHAW    [shocked, muffled] Lemuel!  Don't you prefer some privacy? LEMUEL    [quiet] Consarn it, ya ninny.  That Larky is on me like a tick on a tinhorn.  I figgured this is the only way to get out from under him. FANSHAW    Well, I hope it's a two-seater.  [coming on]  Rafe didn't see anything - he was ambushed.  Shot in the back. LEMUEL    I got sumpin more important.  This. SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF A POCKET FANSHAW    A badge? LEMUEL    A ranger's badge, and I surely didn't whittle it myself.  Someone slipped it inta my pocket.  I'm thinkin it musta been in that crowd at the hangin - only time anyone but Larky's been near enough.  Don't reckon you saw nothin'? FANSHAW    Terribly sorry, but no.  No one that stood out. LEMUEL    Seems the coach line here sees enough traffic that there's more'n a few strangers in town.  I couldn't poke much more'n that. FANSHAW    But who could have given that to you, and why? LEMUEL    How's this fer a guess - there's a ranger, here in town, and he don't want no one to know who he is. FANSHAW    But to give his badge away? LEMUEL    I'm figgurin he 'preciated my stoppin the hangin and dint want them fellers to find out I weren't no ranger and start the whole thing up again.  Jest acause he's hidin out don't mean he thinks we don't need no ranger in town. FANSHAW    [slight exasperatd sigh] Perhaps if you could get away from this Larky fellow, the real ranger would make himself known to you. LEMUEL    I'll see what I can do. 6  BRIGHT AND EARLY MUSIC SOUND    WINDOW SLIDES UP, CIGARETTE LIT AMBIANCE    EARLY MORNING NOISES LEMUEL    [blows out a long breath] SOUND    SOFT RAPPING AT THE DOOR SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS, A COUPLE OF BARE FOOTSTEPS, A GUN SNATCHED UP OFF A TABLE LEMUEL    [quiet] Yup? HARP    [whispered through door]  I needs to talk to you, Ranger. LEMUEL    [not quite being funny] You strapped? MADDY    [muffled giggle, through door] HARP    Shh.  [very serious]  Nope.  I come peaceable.  LEMUEL    All right then.  Come on. SOUND    DOOR OPENS CAREFULLY AND QUIETLY, SMALL FOOTSTEPS ENTER, DOOR SHUTS AMITY    Thank you kindly, sir. LEMUEL    [a bit surprised] Um.  Y'all have a seat? SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD HARP    You rangers see a lot of strange stuff, dontcha? LEMUEL    Strange how? HARP    My sister is a might tetched. MADDY    I ain't. HARP    She ain't rightly crazy, just thinks she sees folks as has gone and passed away.  MADDY    Where's your friend? LEMUEL    He- he'll be-- HARP     [to Maddy] Oh, hush.  Men're talkin' here. AMITY    They grow up so fast. LEMUEL    One thing rangers always do, fella, is get to the point.  You can't shock me, so come on. HARP    My sister says our dead momma is following us around to look after us [clears his throat as he tries to avoid breaking into tears] while our pa is in the hoosegow.  AMITY    I really tried to teach them to speak better, sir.  HARP    Maddy also says-- MADDY    There he is! FANSHAW    Is... this a party? LEMUEL    Ah, hell.  [comes to a decision]  Look, I'm gonna tell you the whole truth, but you can't let no one else hear this.  Swear? HARP    On my mama's grave. MADDY    That's not fair - she's right here. AMITY    It's all right, sweetheart.  You promise too. MADDY    All right, I promise too. LEMUEL    We gotta talk quiet.  Make sure no one hears. HARP    [avid]  All right! LEMUEL    I ain't never told no one alive what I'm about to tell you, and I can offer you proof, afore you go off thinkin I'm foolin wit'cha, here. HARP    I'ud never think you'us foolin. LEMUEL    Firstly, I ain't a real ranger.  It was the only thing I could think of t'say t'stop the hangin.  See, I'm being plumb truthful here, now. HARP    [hopes dashed] Not a ranger? LEMUEL    Sorry, son, I'm just plain Lemuel Roberts - retired gunslinger.  FANSHAW    He used to be the Deadeye Kid. MADDY    You were the Deadeye Kid? HARP    How you know that? LEMUEL    My pal Fanshaw just told her. HARP    Who?  What's agoin on? LEMUEL    Lissen t'me, your sister aint tetched a'tall. She's ... like me.  Whether it's a blessin or a curse, we both see and hear "them as has passed on". HARP    'Zat mean our mama's truly here? LEMUEL    Is your mother a tall woman with big hands, a long plain face and a real sweet smile? HARP    [suddenly a small child] Momma? AMITY    I'm always with them both.  But Maddy will have to be the one to speak fer me. LEMUEL    Ma'am.  I spect you know there's a reason you're here? AMITY    Doesn't everyone remain after their clay has returned to dust? LEMUEL    I reckon the world would be an awful crowded place if t'were the case.  I found it's mostly just them with unfinished business that stay tethered.  AMITY    And my business--? FANSHAW    If I ain't mistaken, ma'am, they's sittin right here. AMITY    [laughs]  You're a very perceptive man. MADDY    [yes] Uh-huh! HARP    [sniffles, then gets down to brass tacks] So my sister ain't crazy.  Well, that's right fine, but howzit gonna help clear our pa? AMITY    He didn't do it, you know.  I was with him all night, as I always am, but I doubt I could be very credible as a witness. LEMUEL    [mildly amused] No, ma'am.  Spect not.  Harp, from everything I've heard, your pa's innocent, but I'm better off trying to find out who done it than trying to prove he din't.  What you know that I might not'a heard yet? HARP    Well, Rafe was dry-gulched around dusk, six days back.  My dad was at home.  LEMUEL    Why'ud the sheriff think your pa'ud done it? HARP    He wooden! MADDY    They's all sayin pa kilt Rafe cause Rafe assid--  assud-- AMITY    Accidentally. MADDY    Assidentally kilt our ma.  His cart run her down when he lost control o' his team.  AMITY    It was an accident, and Maddy and I have assured Lute of that, best we could.  Even if I didn't already know where he was all night long, he would never have hurt that poor boy. HARP    I believe Maddy.  And... and [almost breaking up] ma. LEMUEL    [sincere] Faith is a grand thing, son.  Don't you never lose it. HARP    Faith ain't gonna hep save our pa.  What can we do to hep you? LEMUEL    Is there anyone else in town might have a grudge against this fella Rafe? HARP    Nope.  He'us a nice feller.  His folks got the big spread up to the plateau. LEMUEL    Any other kin likely to get money if'n he died? HARP    I don't rightly know - reckon his folks are well off, and he got him four brothers, but they're all regular church-going folks - none'a them'ud do that. AMITY    [whispering] tell them about Meg. MADDY    Rafe was courting Meg Pickens.  Her folks own half the town.  [whispering] I saw 'em kissin once. HARP    Ew.  LEMUEL    And someone shot this poor feller, who everyone liked, in the back. 7  MEG MUSIC AMBIANCE    BUSY WESTERN STREET SOUND    BOOTS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK LEMUEL      [talking low] Looks like I need to scout the road out of town, figger out where they plan their ambuscade. FANSHAW     Ambuscade?  I'm impressed. LEMUEL    Pshaw.  I was thinkin-- MEG    [challenging]  Are you the Ranger? LEMUEL    [sigh] I spect I'm the one you're lookin fer.  And you are? FANSHAW    She appears to be in mourning - did Rafe have any sisters? MEG    I'm Meg Pickens, and you're the one who stopped the hanging of the ki-yote who killed my ...  [breaking a bit]  my beau. FANSHAW    Ah, the sweetheart. LEMUEL    You so sure Lute'us the right man?  I hate to orphan no children without being dead certain. MEG    Everyone knows he did it - he blamed Rafe for the accident that took his Amity! LEMUEL    Lute's children said he never spoke a harsh word agin the boy. MEG    Of course they'ud say that. LEMUEL    Now, miss, I won't never say that children ain't known to lie from time to time, but they don't, if y'understand, always know what lies t'tell.  MEG    I don't take your point--. LEMUEL    If'n I ast them if their pa killed the man, shore they'd say no, cause even if'n it was true, they'd know that was the right lie to tell.  But I ast if their pa ever had harsh words agin your feller, and they said no - he was powerful torn up over their ma's passin, and was angry the boy lost control, but he never said it were no one's fault but providence. MEG    [softening] He never did? FANSHAW    Nottingham approacheth. LEMUEL    Eh? FANSHAW    My apologies - the sheriff. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD SHERIFF    [coming on] Ah, Ranger.  [smarm] Meg, my dearest girl.  You know I have nothing but sympathy for your loss. FANSHAW    Nothing?  The old letcher, he's practically salivating. MEG    Thank you kindly, sheriff Mortimer. SHERIFF    Can't you call me Henry? FANSHAW    It's rather like a wolf and a lamb. MEG    [disturbed] It really isn't appropriate, Sheriff.  I -- I just have... so much respect for your office. LEMUEL    I was just explaining to [slight emphasis] Miss Pickens here that I am just as het to see Rafe Jenkins' killer hung as anyone, but the law allows every man a proper trial, and you and I both, we're sworn to that law. SHERIFF    [nearly a growl] O'course.  Nothin's more important than the law. LEMUEL    Yep. MADDY    [off]  Psst. FANSHAW    What?  Oh.  I'll see what she wants. SHERIFF    Whuzzat?  Oh, the brat-- [grinds out] little Fowler child. MEG    I do feel sorry fer her.  If her father's a murderer and all. SHERIFF    If?  [anger rising] If?  A'course he's a murderer.  I wooden'a put him away if'n he weren't! SOUND    LITTLE FEET RUN AWAY MEG    [gasp, afraid] Sir!  Sheriff!  I understand you feel strongly about this-- SHERIFF    I'm shore sorry to let you see me in a pet like that.  [deep breath]  Last thing I'd ever want to do is show you the rough edge of my temper, Meg. LEMUEL    Sheriff, I'll take my leave, if'n you don't mind.  [goodbye] Miss Pickens. SOUND    BOOTS ON WOOD FANSHAW    You shouldn't leave her alone with him. LEMUEL    I wooden if they'us inside, but there's folks out and about here.  FANSHAW    That look in his eye - I would swear he's barely human. LEMUEL    Ayep.  You thinkin we just mighta seen the start of all this ruckus? FANSHAW    The sheriff?  You think he--?  Over the girl--?  Oh.  That is a sticky wicket, indeed. 8  SALOON MUSIC AMBIANCE    SALOON SOUND    BOOTS APPROACH MEN AT TABLE SHERIFF    Gimme three. SOUND    CARDS BEING DEALT KENTUCKY     And you? LARKY    Nothin' - no, wait.  Uh, one. SOUND    CARDS LEMUEL    Sorry, I thought this was dinner. SHERIFF    Will be shortly, Ranger.  Care to sit in for a coupla hands? LEMUEL    Don't mind if I do.  SOUND    SCRAPE OF CHAIR KENTUCKY    We'll just finish here first.  Won't be long.  Call? SHERIFF    Three tens. LARKY    Damn. SOUND    CARDS TOSSED DOWN OTHER MEN    [grumbling] SOUND    MORE CARDS, COINS, ETC. SHERIFF    And you, Kentucky? KENTUCKY    [sucks his teeth, then] Weeellll.  I've got two Jacks. SHERIFF    [chuckles avariciously] KENTUCKY    And three queens. SOUND    CARDS LAID DOWN SLOW AND TRIUMPHANT SHERIFF    What?  LEMUEL    I believe that makes a full house. SHERIFF    [furious!]  Cheater!  Sharp! KENTUCKY    I did not--! SOUND    TABLE FLIPS, CARDS, MONEY, GLASSES, FALL TO FLOOR SHERIFF    We don't hold with cheatin in this here town! KENTUCKY    I assure you-- SOUND    PUNCH, THEN A GRAB, and a SWING THAT MISSES LEMUEL    Sheriff, I reckon you need ta calm down.  SHERIFF    [spluttering]  That bastard--! LEMUEL    Larky, take your boss here and get him a shotta whiskey - I'll search this feller, and if he's holdin out, well then I'll arrest him. LARKY    [trying to be brave, but frightened] C'mon boss. LEMUEL    Up you come.  [grunts as he helps K up] KENTUCKY    [groans]  I think he broke my nose. LEMUEL     [amused] Musta been a good pot. KENTUCKY    Not more than ten dollars.  [long juicy sniff, grunt of pain]  You that ranger? LEMUEL    That's got around, eh? KENTUCKY    Hard not to, town like this.  I assure you, sir, I was not cheating.  Frankly, it's hardly necessary against players who... well, aren't particularly skilled. SOUND    RUSTLE OF CLOTHING LEMUEL    I'll check your sleeves and pockets anyway, just so's they don't think you're talkin your way past me. KENTUCKY    I appreciate that. SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHING, PAT ON THE BACK LEMUEL    Well, that's it - nothin.  Now I'll go see if the Sheriff's still colicky.  I'm thinkin you should get while the gettin's good.  SOUND    DRINK POURED, GULPED [SHER], GLASS SLAMMED DOWN ON BAR LARKY    Boss!  He's comin. SHERIFF    [slurry drunk] I'm gon kill him.  Ranger or not, he'll still bleed red. LARKY    Shh.  Only works if he don' know it's comin.  [up] Ranger!  You let him go? SHERIFF    What? SOUND    SCUFFLE AS SHERIFF TURNS FROM THE BAR AND ALMOST FALLS LEMUEL    He wasn't holdin.  I convinced him to take his stake and go.  You'n yer men can go and collect your own - it's all still there on the floor. FANSHAW    Lem, that sheriff person is making no secret of his plans to assassinate you. LEMUEL    [accepting] Mm.  [up to the men] I'm thinkin I'll grab some grub and turn in - even rangers can only take so much excitement in a day. SHERIFF    [dark] Reckon so.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS AWAY LARKY    Not in the hotel, boss.  SHERIFF    [snarls] How dare you? LARKY    Sir, I mean - woodenit be better to get him on his way outta town?  Then everyone'll know he was fine when he left - won't blame you - I mean, us.  SHERIFF    [grunt] FANSHAW    Despicable blackguards. 9  SHERIFF'S OFFICE MUSIC AMBIANCE      WESTERN STREET, MORNING SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON WOODEN SIDEWALK, SOUND     SECOND PAIR OF FOOTSTEPS TROT UP LARKY    [coming on, puffing a bit]  Hey, ranger! LEMUEL    [muttered] Ah hell. LARKY     You headin to Sheriff's office?  Me too.  Messenger just come in, said the circuit judge'll be here two-three days at the outside.  Good news eh?  Lute can have his trial, then I reckon the town can have its hangin. LEMUEL    [muttered] Consarn it. LARKY    Whassat? LEMUEL    Come on. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WALK INTO OFFICE LARKY     Hey Jeb!  Sheriff in? JEB    Uh, no - he's off to look on on Meg Pickens.  He said he's worried cause her folks are away. FANSHAW    Oh, that's not good.  That young lady will be defenseless. LEMUEL    [snort of agreement, trying hard not to sound anxious]  How long ago did he leave?  We might could catch him up? JEB    Oh, round half hour ago, but I figgered he'd stop home to, uh, spruce hisself up a bit.  He's plumb sweet on that li'l lady. LARKY     That he is. LEMUEL    Larky, you kin show me how to head him off? LARKY     Cain't it wait til tomorra?  I sorely doubt that this would be a good time t'interupt him.  LEMUEL    I - I found sumpin he needs to see.  It'd prove Lute's case. LARKY     Hmm.  Sheriff'll be happy to hear that.  Make the judge's job real easy. LEMUEL    [level but forced] Get me to him. A1  RIDING OUT MUSIC SOUND    HOOFBEATS, TROTTING LARKY     He ain't gon' thank you, and he ain't gon' be best pleased with me, neither. LEMUEL    I don't care a whit for whether he's pleased or not.  Whoa! SOUND    HORSES PULL UP LARKY     What? LEMUEL    Whassat? LARKY     Where? LEMUEL    [irritated] Over there.  Lean this way.  See?  SOUND    THUMP ON HEAD LARKY     augh! SOUND    BODY SLOWLY LOWERED OFF HORSE TO GROUND, CRUNCHES ON GRASS LEMUEL    Cain't have you behind me Larky, old hoss.  FANSHAW    Leveled the playing field, I see.  You should take his horse - in case he recovers quickly. LEMUEL    Thick skull like that, he jest might. A2  SHOWDOWN_1 MUSIC SOUND    HOOVES, WALKING SOUND    HOOVES APPROACH QUICKLY LEMUEL    [coming on]  Sheriff! SHERIFF    What the blue blazes?  You?  What in hell do you want? SOUND    SECOND PAIR OF HOOVES SLOWS LEMUEL    Lute Fowler's escaped! SHERIFF    What! SOUND    HORSE REINS UP, SECOND HORSE REINS TOO SHERIFF    That sheep-loving son of a bitch!  I knew he'd try somethin. LEMUEL    I figgured this'd be worth trackin you down for.  I got a hunch tells me where he might go, as well. SHERIFF    Really?  LEMUEL    You and me, we can take him down. SHERIFF    [evil realization]  You and me?  Ye-e-e-es. MUSIC SOUND    HORSES SLOW, THEN STOP LEMUEL    We'll have to leave the horses.  Cain't let him hear us. SHERIFF    [sly] Course not. SOUND    CREAKS AS THEY DISMOUNT SHERIFF    Show the way. LEMUEL    Stay here fr'a minute. SOUND    RUNS OFF THROUGH BUSHES SHERIFF    [fading off] Whatever you say, [dangerous] ranger. FANSHAW    Maddy told me of a big rock just over that rise.  Quickly now - you'll want cover.  He's rather agitated. LEMUEL    [snort]  SOUND    BUSHWHACKING STOPS LEMUEL    [calling]  Lute?  Lute Fowler? SHERIFF    [off, deliberately calling weakly] He there? You hear him? SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH BUSHES LEMUEL    Shh! FANSHAW    He's closing on you.  He moves awfully quietly for a big man. SHERIFF    [almost a whisper, trying to sound farther away than he is]  Ranger? FANSHAW    Are you going to shoot him? LEMUEL    I - No. FANSHAW    What? SOUND    MOVEMENT STOPS, THEN SUDDEN NOISE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE THE SHERIFF LEMUEL    Y'coverin me, or fixin to shoot me in the back, Sheriff? SHERIFF    [tries to laugh it off] Lute's a desperate man.  Surprised you're still in leather. LEMUEL    Lute ain't here.  It's jest you and me. SHERIFF    Eh?  If you're plannin to plant me, boy, you shoulda thought twice.  Only gun to hand right now is mine. SOUND    TWO STEPS FORWARD LEMUEL    [calm and even] I see that.  And I know you can shoot a man in the back.  But that - uh - shake t'yer hand says maybe you cain't look me in the face and do it. SHERIFF    I can do anything I please.  No one'll even ask once you're gone. LEMUEL    Oh, there's a couple.  You think any ranger'd be fool enough to come out here without a man t'watch his back? SHERIFF    What I've seen from you, I ain't much impressed with rangers. LEMUEL    Huh.  Well you gonna shoot me or what? SHERIFF    I... will.  You gonna give me a reason? LEMUEL    Nope.  I'm figgurin you'll show yellow til you get riled 'nuff.  So I don' plan to rile you none. SHERIFF    [flash of anger] Yellow? LEMUEL    Rafe'us unarmed, barely old enough t'shave, and still you hadta shoot him in the back.  That says yellow louder than-- SHERIFF    [screaming]  Yellow!  I'm the damn sheriff!  The Sheriff I tell you! HARP    [screams from off]  Sheriff! SOUND    GUNSHOT GOES WILD SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND, ROLLS A BIT FANSHAW    Lemuel?  Lemuel? SOUND    GUNSHOT FROM FAR AWAY SHERIFF    Argh! A3 SHOWDOWN 2 LEMUEL    [spitting gravel, annoyed]  I'm fine. SOUND    BODY HITS GROUND FANSHAW    But that shot? LEMUEL    Well I was biting dirt, so I din't rightly see. HARP    Ranger!  Get up!  He's a-coming! SOUND    SLOW FOOSTEPS ACROSS HARD GROUND SOUND    SCUFFLE AS LEM TURNS TO FACE NEWCOMER LEMUEL    Well.  You do have a thick skull, don'tcha? SOUND    A COUPLE MORE SLOW STEPS, THEN LARKY    [chuckles, then sounding a lot less stupid and rough than before]  Good thing too.  You pack a wallop. FANSHAW    The sheriff is still breathing. LEMUEL    What happens now? LARKY    You hit the ground pretty hard.  Need a hand up?  LEMUEL    [beat] I - I'm a mite confused now. LARKY    I think you have something of mine. LEMUEL    What? SOUND    RUNNING FEET APPROACH HARP    You stop right there, Larky!  SOUND    COCKING OF HAMMER ON GUN LEMUEL    [getting it] I - I think it's all right Harp.  Slowly now, let that hammer down. HARP    But he's one o' them that railroaded my pa! LARKY    I'm truly not-- LEMUEL    Harp, don't be loco.  He's the one goes with this-- SOUND    SOMETHING PULLED OUT OF POCKET LEMUEL    Ain't you, Ranger Larky? A4 RANGER MUSIC AMBIANCE    BACK IN THE HOTEL LARKY    You understand why I couldn't do anything - if I came forward, I would have wasted months of work, getting myself next to the Sheriff.  But-- LEMUEL    I still don't see-- LARKY    Hold on!  I swear to you, though, I would not have let Lute Fowler get hung just to keep my cover.  You came in at the nick of time. LEMUEL    Reckon we're even now.  LARKY    Reckon we are.  So where you off to? LEMUEL    Spect I don' know no more 'bout that than you do.  I jest... drift.  LARKY    Ever consider takin up the star? LEMUEL    [surprised] Me?  A ranger?  I don' think so. LARKY    And why not?  Takes grit, and you have that by the cartload. LEMUEL    I don't reckon I'd take to havin t'answer t'anyone.  LARKY    [chuckles] None o'us do.  But it ain't so bad when it means you got someone at yer back.  [long beat]  You'll let me know if'n you change yer mind? LEMUEL    You'll be the first. A5 TEA  MUSIC SOUND     PACKING THINGS INTO A RUCKSACK AS LEM TALKS LEMUEL    Now you don' forget-- MADDY    I don't never talk to no one in public less'n my brother talks to 'em first. LEMUEL    Yup.  And? MADDY    And if anyone catches me talkin to myself, I says I'm tryin to recall my lessons, and not that I's talking to dead folks. LEMUEL    That'll take you far.  You be careful, now. AMITY    Don't forget what you brought. LEMUEL    And what's 'at? MADDY    [remembering] Oh!  [grunt as she moves something heavy] SOUND    BASKET SET ON TABLE, CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    What... is it? MADDY    You sit on down, now.  Where's Mr. Fanshaw? SOUND    CHAIR SQUEAKS LEMUEL    [calling] Fanshaw! FANSHAW    [off, coming on] Eh?  What? SOUND    THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF THE BASKET AND SET ON THE TABLE MADDY    You sit rightchere. AMITY    [promptin] On my left. MADDY    [importantly] On my left. FANSHAW    [slowly realizing] Oh! LEMUEL    What? MADDY    Mama, you'll have a seat on my right? AMITY     Thank you kindly. SOUND    CLATTER OF PORCELAIN LEMUEL    Will someone please explain? MADDY    Would you like one lump or two, Mr. Lemuel? AMITY    [prompting] Mr. Roberts. MADDY    Mr. Roberts. LEMUEL    One lump of what?  I hate to tell you, child, but them plates and bowls is all empty. FANSHAW    [prompting] That's not the point, Lem.  Say One lump, no milk. LEMUEL    I ain't sayin-- aw, heck.  One lump no milk. SOUND    RATTLE OF PORCELAIN, CHING OF METAL ON CUP MADDY    And you, Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Oh, I would simply adore two lumps, and just the slightest bit of milk.  And are these biscuits? MADDY    No.  They's cookies.  I made 'em my self. FANSHAW    Well, they look delicious.  May I? MADDY    [giggles] You go on ahead now.  They's plenty where that come from. LEMUEL    But there ain't--  What is it?  What is all this folderol? FANSHAW    Why Lem, it's -- tea! MUSIC END

A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals.  Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it?     Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby Music by  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?" ******************************************** AN HOUR TO KILL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Claude, a thug Lenny, a dumber thug Charlie, Claude's greedy wife Host Bank Teller Little Girl Waitress OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING LENNY    [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal!  It was Artie told me, and-- CLAUDE    [resigned] And Artie's never wrong.  Yeah, I know.  [up]  Whatchoo think, Charlie? CHARLIE    Zip it.  I'm listening. CLAUDE    To what? CHARLIE    Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on.  If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring. LENNY    [quiet]  It's just over the hill, Claude.  Hop skip and a jump. CLAUDE    [quiet]  Good thing, too, Lenny.  That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping. LENNY    [quiet]  And jumping. CLAUDE    [chuckles halfhaertedly]  So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking?  LENNY    Yeah, he said it was real weird, but-- CHARLIE    [upset] No!  What is wrong with this world? CLAUDE    [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it? CHARLIE    Them on the other side, they turned it off!!  And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else. LENNY    What a bum! CLAUDE    [undertone] Don't encourage her.  [up] Can we talk normal now? CHARLIE    Makes no nevermind now. CLAUDE    Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week. LENNY    And Artie's never wrong! CHARLIE    [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint? CLAUDE    [snorts] LENNY    That ain't the point.  He found the perfect score. CHARLIE    And he told you about it? CLAUDE    Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo.  Artie never did like you much. LENNY    But he still likes Cherlie there just fine.  I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves. CHARLIE    [cutesy]  Really?  That big a score, then?  Artie might have something going for him after all.  Maybe I shoulda married him. CLAUDE    You said you didn't like monkeys. CHARLIE    I was joking.  Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband.  Ugly guys don't run off so often. LENNY    Nobody wants 'em. CHARLIE    You would know. CLAUDE    [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job? LENNY    It's this town, see?  He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep. CLAUDE    [snort]  You're loopy.  Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead. LENNY    No, he was serious - I could see it in his face. CLAUDE    The whole town?  LENNY    Yeah! CLAUDE    And how does Artie know this? LENNY    He says he was there.  Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again. CLAUDE    Why ain't he in there robbing the place? LENNY    Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years] CLAUDE    It makes no damn sense!  Why would everybody fall asleep? CHARLIE    Maybe it's something in the water.  Or get this-- [ramping up]  Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!! CLAUDE    You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot.  [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny. LENNY    Gotcha. CHARLIE    What can it hurt?  If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see?  We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage.  If not... what's it gonna hurt? CLAUDE    What day's it supposed to be, Len? LENNY    Tomorrow.  Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come! CHARLIE    And why pray tell not, ya big goon? LENNY    Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go.  I think he wants you to come and visit him instead. CLAUDE    That's crazy talk.  But you shouldn't come, babe.  You'll just get in the way. CHARLIE    [incensed] I'll just WHAT?  CLAUDE    I mean-- there might be guns.  I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing. CHARLIE    They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep!  Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour!  [fades out]  And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move! LENNY    [over her diatribe]  But I promised Artie-- CLAUDE    [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it.  Trust me.  Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more. CHARLIE    You hear me? LENNY    [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her. MUSIC AMB    IN CAR CLAUDE    Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job? LENNY    It ain't - Artie is-- CHARLIE    Stifle!  If they don't sack out, you mean?  In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way.  Zat so hard to buy? CLAUDE    We gotta do something.  This flivver's on its last legs. CHARLIE    There's always something. LENNY    You believe in magic, Charlie? CHARLIE    Like Houdini stuff?  Hah!  Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans. LENNY    But this-- CHARLIE    [loud] BUT!  Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny.  It ain't polite!  [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff.  Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs.  Ya know? CLAUDE    [amused hmph]  Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie. CHARLIE    [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs. MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, RURAL SOUND    ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL CLAUDE    [relieved and tired] Finally.  [sighs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE CHARLIE    [already arguing]  I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here!  I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy? CLAUDE    [quiet] Oh, lord.  [up, weary]  What's the noise, sweetcheeks? CHARLIE    This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon. CLAUDE    Yer full up?  Out here in the middle of squat all? HOST    [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me.  I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette.  We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first. CLAUDE    Warning us?  Where's Lenny? LENNY    [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else. CLAUDE    Some help you are.  You was saying, pops? HOST    [cheerful horror]  It's the day we run the hogs. CHARLIE    That's disgusting!  CLAUDE    Hold on, dearest.  Let's hear the man out.  Hogs, you say? HOST    Ayup.  Local tradition.  Them hogs gets loose all over the town.  [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc.  Tranple anything that moves, pretty much. CLAUDE    It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit? HOST    Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch.  Don't want to call no attention to yerselves.  [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways. CLAUDE    [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow.  Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we. HOST    [a little too smug] One room or two? CHARLIE    Just get one.  Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care. HOST    [chuckles] CLAUDE    Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN CHARLIE    Artie better damn well be right. CLAUDE    [hushed] Charlie!  Keep it quiet. LENNY    [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town?  CLAUDE    We get a new car-- LENNY    How? CLAUDE    How'd we get the last one, pea-brain? LENNY    Oh, right.  There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this. CHARLIE    The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks".  Flapjacks, my eye.  They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck. CLAUDE    Just enough time to case the place. LENNY    Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude? CLAUDE    Hmm.  Nix on that.  Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled.  CHARLIE    Whaddaya mean?  So what if someone suspects something? CLAUDE    You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither.  They make our first digs look like the ritz. CHARLIE    [disgusted] Oh! MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE.  RURAL [note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth] LENNY    There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some-- CHARLIE    Flapjacks?  Puh-lease.  We got more important things-- LENNY    But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering. CLAUDE    [under his breath] Flapjabbering.  [up]  Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground.  Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else. CHARLIE    Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later? CLAUDE    Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place. CHARLIE    In forty-five minutes.  No more, you big moose!   LENNY    No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks.  Not for what I got on me. SOUND    WALKS AWAY CLAUDE    And you? CHARLIE    I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank. CLAUDE    Who'm I to argue? MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS LENNY    Hello? SOUND    FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS WAITRESS    Goodness!  I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today! LENNY    Guess not.  [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food? WAITRESS    Mercy, no!  We been cooking all day!  They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two.  What you want? LENNY    Flapjacks? WAITRESS    [chuckles] You came to the right place.  My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years.  Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES WAITRESS    [off some] You want some Java with that? LENNY    That'd be real nice. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS WAITRESS    Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split.  LENNY    Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today? WAITRESS    Oh, yes.  It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right? LENNY    Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel.  WAITRESS    [a bit upset] Oh.  "We?"  Nevermind.  You should stay inside, then.  It ain't safe being out. LENNY    Oh, yeah, he said-- WAITRESS    I mean, they're just frogs, right?  But they are some vicious slimy little devils. LENNY    [baffled] Frogs? WAITRESS    Course.  Every year they just fall from the sky.  No one knows why.  Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks.  Be right back. MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [undertone]  Take a peep at the cadillac. CHARLIE    That brown heap? CLAUDE    Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored. CHARLIE    Who you calling a gob, you mug? LITTLE GIRL    [off] Hey lady?  Would you like a kitten? CLAUDE    [[startled] Huh?  Oh, Hello little girl.  [really false hearty] No, thanks.  No kittens for us.  You have a real nice day, there. CHARLIE    [whispered]  Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around?  Apart from you, anyway, darling? CLAUDE    Watch yer language, there's a kid present. CHARLIE    She's probably heard it all. CLAUDE    People got manners out in the country.  Here's the bank.  Stick to the script, babe. CHARLIE    Have I ever done you wrong? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO CLAUDE    This is nice. CHARLIE    [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all! CLAUDE    We'll see, dearest.  TELLER    Can I help you? CHARLIE    I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff. CLAUDE    [annoyed sigh]  You do that.  [hearty again] Hello.  Sorry about that. TELLER    No problem, sir.  What can I help you with? CLAUDE    We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here. TELLER    Do you have an account with our bank, sir? CLAUDE    No, I'm afraid I don't.  We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami. TELLER    That's pretty far away. CLAUDE    Yeah. TELLER    That's going to have to go through my manager.  He won't be back until this afternoon. CLAUDE    Really?  Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here. TELLER    [strange] Are you over at the motel? CLAUDE    You bet. TELLER    Ohhh. CLAUDE    What? TELLER    Nothing.  He'll be back in about four hours. CLAUDE    Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today? TELLER    [nervous]  What do you-- whatever do you mean? CLAUDE    The clerk was telling us-- TELLER    [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe! CHARLIE    [coming on] Safe?  From-- TELLER    THEM! CLAUDE    Them?  The runners? TELLER    The ghosts. CLAUDE AND CHARLIE    WHAT? TELLER    I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death.  I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today! CHARLIE    In the vault, eh? TELLER    Yes! CLAUDE    Wait a dang minute.  Ghosts? TELLER    Yes.  A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war.  They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path! CLAUDE    Have you... seen the ghosts? TELLER    Of course not!  I stay shut up tight! CLAUDE    Right.  [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again]  Well, maybe we'll see you later then.  When your manager's back. TELLER    Okey-doke.  You stay safe now! MUSIC SOUND    EATING SOUND    [OFF] FEET APPROACH CLAUDE    [outside] wait til we-- CHARLIE    What's that smell? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHARLIE    You! LENNY    I brought you some! CHARLIE    I'm watching my figure, you mope! CLAUDE    More for me.  Pass that. LENNY    Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too.  She did it up right fine. CHARLIE    Don't eat so much you slow down!  We'll leave you behind. LENNY    [talking around a mouthful]  Oh, come on, they're real good. CLAUDE    [licking his fingers]  They are.  Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here-- LENNY    You don't need to tell me, Claude!  I heard all about-- CHARLIE    The ghosts? LENNY    The what? CLAUDE    According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts. LENNY    That don't make no sense!  There ain't no such things as ghosts. CHARLIE    But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour. LENNY    Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs. CLAUDE    Like frog frogs, or french folks? LENNY    Like ribbit, ribbit.  They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible. CHARLIE    Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs. CLAUDE    Why would everyone have a different story?  CHARLIE    Are you just a moron or what?  They're all covering up!  Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight.  I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS?  LENNY    And ghosts. CHARLIE    Oh, don't even. CLAUDE    It still feels hinky.  Like we should-- SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR CLAUDE    Stifle.  [up] Yes? LITTLE GIRL    [off]  I have to tell you something! LENNY    That's some sneaky girl scout. CLAUDE    Shh!  Just keep quiet! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    MEWING OF KITTENS CLAUDE    Yeah? LITTLE GIRL    I have to tell you this.  You have to listen! CLAUDE    I'm listening, little girl.  Watch out for your kittens, there. LITTLE GIRL    You don't get one. CLAUDE    Just tell me what you wanted to--? LITTLE GIRL    [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out.  If you leave your rooms, they will eat you.  CLAUDE    [almost laughs, stops himsefl]  Monsters? LITTLE GIRL    Yes.  CLAUDE    What kind of monsters? LITTLE GIRL    [exasperatied] The kind that eat people.   I have to go home now. CLAUDE    Before the monsters get you? LITTLE GIRL    Oh, they won't get me.  They'll be too busy chasing you. SOUND    SHE WALKS AWAY CHARLIE    Little street rat!  Get her back here, I'll show her what for! CLAUDE    No!  Let the kid go. LENNY    Claude?  You think maybe she's right? CLAUDE    It's not like she'd make something up like that.  CHARLIE    Someone told her to tell us. CLAUDE    The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight?  That don't make no sense.  There's something behind all this. CHARLIE    So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something? CLAUDE    I never said nothing like that.  We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all. MUSIC SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES CLAUDE    Ready?  LENNY    [a little shaky] Yeah. CHARLIE    Hmph.  Yes. CLAUDE    Keep cool.  If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on. CHARLIE    Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs. SOUND    WALKS AWAY LENNY    [muttered] Same to you.  I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family. CLAUDE    [almost laughs] CHARLIE    [sharp] What? LENNY    [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES CLAUDE    What's this? CHARLIE    Aah - Must be the bill.  Give it.  We can look it over later. SOUND    PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED. LENNY    Weird, ain't it?  Everything so quiet. CHARLIE    So everyone's gone to sleep.  Or they're messing with us.  CLAUDE    [shocked] No!  Look at this! LENNY    Oh, gee!  Think we should move her? CHARLIE    What are you--?  Holy knots!  The kid! LENNY    And all the kittens!  Are they ok? CLAUDE    [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping. LENNY    They're so cute - you shoulda took one. CHARLIE    Are you done yet? LENNY    Shouldn't we move her, though?  What if the pigs hurt her? CHARLIE    Leave the stupid kid!  She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street.  We got a bank waiting! LENNY    I'll-- I'll catch up to ya.  I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch. CHARLIE    Aargh!!!  [exasperated noise]  Fine!  Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head! MUSIC SOUND    BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN SOUND    OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO CLAUDE    [whispering] The lights are all on. CHARLIE    Why are you whispering? CLAUDE    I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something.  There's a hook somewehres.  There gotta be. CHARLIE    We'll ditch it when we see it.  For now, let's go to work on that vault. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    What was that? CHARLIE    [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud.  If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault? CLAUDE    It was really - strange.  I ain't never heard no animal like it before. CHARLIE    That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc.  They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming. CHARLIE    Fergit him!  I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me! CLAUDE    [sharp] Did you see that? CHARLIE    I see a grown man scared of some owl or something. CLAUDE    [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there.  Watch! CHARLIE    [putting her foot down]  No!  I want to go inside!  [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS AMB    OUTSIDE SOUND    RUSTLING CLAUDE    [calling quietly] Lenny?  Zat you? SOUND    WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    [gasp] Dammit Lenny! SOUND    RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT SOUND    GUN READIED CLAUDE    [moving right]  Come out, whatever you are. MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS CLAUDE    [gasp] LENNY    [gasp]  What's wit the heater, Claude?  I ain't done nuttin! SOUND    PUTTING GUN BACK CLAUDE    Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there? LENNY    Birds.  Something.  I guess. CLAUDE    Charlie's inside.  Come on. LENNY    Why do you put up with her? CLAUDE    What?  We're married. LENNY    If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself. CLAUDE    I love her.  [shrugs]  And I hate her sometimes too.  What can you do? SOUND    BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN SOUND    [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE SOUND    BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS SOUND    DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN LENNY    That's the noise you was talking about? CLAUDE    Yeah.  Shh.  [whispered] Can you tell where it is? LENNY    Nuh-uh. MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM LENNY and CLAUDE    [gasp] CHARLIE    Get your keisters in here, you nitwits!  Time's a-wasting! MUSIC AMB    INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY SOUND    COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED CHARLIE    [whispered] Hurry! LENNY    [whispered] That ain't gonna help! CLAUDE    Zip it!  I'm almost there! SOUND    A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE CLAUDE    [angry noise] Agh.  Nope.  Damn.  Charlie, give me something to write on. CHARLIE    What do I look like, your secretary? CLAUDE    Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got! SOUND    FEET GO OFF SOUND    ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE CHARLIE    Here's some paper. LENNY    [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk.  It's getting kind of dark outside. CHARLIE    Great - a storm. CLAUDE    Good thing you got that kid under cover.  She don't need to catch penumonia. CHARLIE    Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here. CLAUDE    [sighs] SOUND    WRITING SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    What the hell? CLAUDE    That's what I've been trying to tell you about.  Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us. CHARLIE     Get that vault open, before they find us. LENNY    They?  Don't you mean it? CHARLIE    It's got to be some sort of Okie joke.  These hicks are messing with us. SOUND    CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    [shrieking] Get it open! CLAUDE    My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie.  I can't concentrate-- CHARLIE    I can NOT believe I am hearing this! CLAUDE    [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping!  SHUT UP! CHARLIE    huh! [affronted]  Hmph. CLAUDE    [long deep breath, trying to calm down] SOUND    CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE SOUND    CLICKS TURN WILDLY CLAUDE    Yah! LENNY    [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look? CLAUDE    No, I think-- CHARLIE    Yeah, you do that, knucklehead.  Go and kick some heads on these nutballs. CLAUDE    [definitive]  No.  SOUND    DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY CLAUDE    We're getting out of here. CHARLIE    [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby!  We're this close to the big score.  I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door. SOUND    ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING LENNY    And th-th-th-that!  [a shriek] Them! SOUND    RUNNING FEET MUSIC ALL    PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE LENNY    What the hell?  What were they?  CLAUDE    I dunno!  All I saw was teeth and fur. CHARLIE    They're like shrews or something. CLAUDE    Nah, they was more teeth than anything else.  Even shrews ain't like that.  These ain't nothing natural. CHARLIE    Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs.  LENNY    That just leaves monsters. CHARLIE    [after a beat]  What? LENNY    The little girl, she said it was monsters. SOUND    SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT LENNY    Oh, holy crap!  CHARLIE    Sounds like they're eating their way through! CLAUDE    And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here. CHARLIE    There gotta be something!  I ain't going out like this.  Boost me up! CLAUDE    Boost? CHARLIE    I think I see something up there.  Just like in gramma's attic. CLAUDE    [grunt of boosting]  Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja? LENNY    Yeah, here - uh!  Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat] BOTH    [grunt as they push her up] CHARLIE    Yeah!  I thought so!  SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING CHARLIE    This probably goes to a roof access.  [ugh! As she climbs up] CLAUDE    Don't kick!  Damn! LENNY    Watch out!  Uhhh!  SOUND    HER SCRAMBLING STOPS CHARLIE    [calling down] Big help you two are.  I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof. CLAUDE    And then what? CHARLIE    Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they?  We can wait it out up there! CLAUDE    How the hell are we supposed to get up there? LENNY    Whatever we do, we better do it quick!  Sounds like they're getting through! CLAUDE    Here, I'll boost you. LENNY    Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that.  CLAUDE    You dumbo! LENNY    Besides, you can pull me up better.  Okay? CLAUDE    Let's do this. SOUND    GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS CLAUDE    [long grunt, pulling himself up] SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE SOUND    DISTANT WOOD CRACKING LENNy    [distant]  Claude?  Come on!  My turn! [continues under] CHARLIE    oh, Claude!  [kisses him] CLAUDE    MMm!  [surprised, but enjoying the kiss] SOUND    WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT CLAUDE    What was that for? CHARLIE    Just happy. LENNY    [off, screams!!!] CLAUDE    shit!  You closed the hatch!  CHARLIE    It's too late for him! LENNY    [Scream cuts out] CLAUDE    How could you do that? CHARLIE    If I didn't you woulda died wit him!  I'm protecting you, ya bastard. CLAUDE    Where's this damn vent? CHARLIE    Say you love me. CLAUDE    There it is. CHARLIE    What the hell's gotten into you? CLAUDE    You're my wife, and I'll get you out--  CHARLIE    Out of what? CLAUDE    Out of here.  Out of this town.  But don't expect to ever see me again after that. CHARLIE    [freaked] Cluade?  How can you even-- SOUND    KICKING OUT THE VENT MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [cold] Give me your hand. CHARLIE    [meek] all right, Claude. SOUND    SCRABBLING CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof] CLAUDE    [breathing hard with exertion]  [runs his hand over his face] CHARLIE    You still got the combination?  Just in case? CLAUDE    I don't even care no more. CHARLIE    Can I see it? CLAUDE    No.  Where's that pencil?  Ah. SOUND    PAPER RUSTLES CHARLIE    What're you doing? CLAUDE    Writing my will. CHARLIE    Will?  What you got to leave? CLAUDE    I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    Where'd you get this paper? CHARLIE    That?  Oh I think that was the note on our door. CLAUDE    Damn. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    This woulda been good to know.  "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that.  But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave.  Thank you for staying!" CHARLIE    So it must be over, right? CLAUDE    Are you flapping your lips for a reason? CHARLIE    [whine] Claude!  The note makes it sound like it's just one they need.  One outsider.  So Lenny-- CLAUDE    [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap.  Now. CHARLIE    [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha? CLAUDE    [not quite sure] No. CHARLIE    Oh, come on, Claudie.  We're better off, ain't we?  Just you and me, like the old days? LENNY    You want old days, I was his friend first. CHARLIE    [gasps] SOUND    SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH CLAUDE    Len!  [pleased]  I'll be damned!  What... happened?  It sounded like-- LENNY    [freaked out] They were...everywhere.  I dunno why they didn't just take me down.  They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER CHARLIE    [insincere] What a relief! LENNY     Don't you start!  I heard everything.  CLAUDE    Can you forgive me, Lenny? LENNY    Yeah, probably.  Jeez I hope Peahces is OK. SOUND    UNZIP WIDNBREAKER CLAUDE    What? LENNY    You think we're safe up here? CHARLIE    [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere.  Must taste bad. LENNY    Oh, look, he's still asleep. CLAUDE    [laughing a little]  A kitten?  You took you a kitten? CHARLIE    You did what?  You are SUCH a shit-for-brains. LENNY    Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will-- SOUND    NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW CLAUDE    Shh!  It's those things! CHARLIE    The shrews? CLAUDE    Whatever they are.  CHARLIE    Can you see them? CLAUDE    The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down. CHARLIE    Well, crawl out there!  Surely you don't expect me to do it! LENNY    I can't leave Peaches. CHARLIE    Peaches? SOUND    SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL CHARLIE    [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches. LENNY    Peaches!!  SOUND    SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF LENNY    You killed him!  He was justa baby kitten!  He never din't do nothing to you! CHARLIE    Stop bawling and start helping! LENNY    I'll help.  Yeah, I know what I can do to help. SOUND    MOVING CLOSER LENNY    [unh!  Shoving] CHARLIE    Lenny? What are you doing?  Ahh!!!  Claude! LENNY    Stay back, Claude. CLAUDE    I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you. CHARLIE    Claude?!?  Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof] SOUND    ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing CHARLIE    [Horrible screaming.] LENNY    [calm again] Sorry you had to see that. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE CLAUDE    Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny.  We'll get you another kitten. LENNY    Okay.  [pause] Claude?  Let's not get you another wife, though, okay? SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... __________________ LENNY    Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this?  CLAUDE    I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end. LENNY    But he carries a torch for Charlie! CLAUDE    Yup.  And he said she shouldn't come. LENNY    Oh!  [musing]  Artie's never...wrong. _________________ CLAUDE    If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping. LENNY    [wailing] Peaches!!! CLAUDE    Lenny, just hold on to the good times. THE END

It's Clint and Ken's fiftieth episode! A selection of great questions from listeners, plenty of fun and cine-bickering, a round of Whatchoo Watchin, and other surprises!

Follow the crew on Twitter! Ben Goddard https://bit.ly/3e179f0 Alex Marzoña https://bit.ly/2J60oNU Kate Mulligan https://bit.ly/3owBneT Brett Sheridan https://bit.ly/2HBltii Roxy Striar https://bit.ly/31OtGHj Steph Sabraw https://bit.ly/3m0ud0z Malcolm https://bit.ly/3erdBNs Movie Trivia Schmoedown https://bit.ly/31Qwrrp Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is also available as a blog post: http://lmariewood.com/2021/07/13/whatchoo-doin-where-you-at/

  I will never understand why fast food chains use anything other than the Chick-fil-a model for customer service. Until Chic-fil-a came on the scene with their We'll-Do-Whatever-It-Takes-To-Make-You-Feel-Like-King-Special-Britches philosophy, we were all fine with, “Welcome to the Altar of the Arches. What can I get ya today?” But now, we can see a new world of possibility when it comes to customer service, if only every other chain would buy into it.    It's a super-duper morning here at your Chick-fil-a.    It's our pleasure to serve you todaaaaaayyy!!    For some reason, even though these other companies have trouble keeping employees, and their lines aren't looped around the building twice, they don't seem to care nearly as much about how their customers are treated.    This episode is about a couple of times when customer service wasn't just below the standards of your typical Chick-fil-a, but it dove into ridiculously bad. And it's about a better world we may all experience if we'll just embrace the pure, unadulterated power, of two little words … My pleasure.    From Atomic Red Studios, I'm Michael Blackston, and this is my Funny Messy Life. _________________________    I'm not proud of my actions - the ones that resulted at the climax of the situation I'm about to tell you. I am a Christian, who strongly believes that how we respond to negativity can set the tone for not just those around us, but those who happen to be downstream to those around us later in the day. In other words, there's a butterfly effect that starts with us, and can brighten or ruin the day for a bunch of people. It's up to us to decide who we want to be. The bad news is that on this particular day, I wanted to be a stressed out director of a stage show that was opening the curtain to an audience sooner than later, and in the car with me was my stressed out Co-Director and wife, as well as my Assistant Director, and Set director, who happened to be my stressed out sister. We were running late, but we had to stop to pick up food because otherwise, we would all die before the show was over.     We decided a popular fast food chain that serves Mexican fare would be the best choice, because it was on the way, supposedly fast, and cheap. Simple burritos are hard to screw up, right?    No. Not right.    Mistakes are common among those who consider themselves a human person, and I'm no exception. In my profession, I will occasionally make a mistake, and there are much larger consequences for those mistakes than if you screw up a burrito. And yet, I manage to own those mistakes in a humble, customer friendly way. I would think that with hundreds, sometimes thousands, of dollars on the line, I might have at least some reason to be in a less than happy mood if I make a mistake. But it wasd MY mistake, not theirs, and as long as they treat me with civility, I will try everything in my power to fix it with both parties happy in the end.    Enter this burrito that will soon take a prominent role in this story, not to mention a short flight.    You will recall that I said we were already in a hurry, and supremely stressed. There was a show to put on, and inevitably, cast members would be late, somebody would be feuding with somebody else. I don't think this was opening night of Joseph and The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, when a massive storm raged up right as everyone was supposed to get there, the wind literally blowing my wife to the ground in the middle of the street, and the rain flooding the entirety of stage right only an hour before curtain, but we expected something to happen to cause us panic. That's why it was important that the order taker listen carefully as we drove up to the intercom. None of us in the car like lettuce or tomato on our food, so we all three made a simple order of beef burritos with no lettuce or tomato.    First, the person on the intercom was rude. Unlike Chi-fil-a, their salutation did not come over the speaker riding a rainbow.    “Whatchoo want?”    I'm thinking Really?    I ordered the burritos. No lettuce, no tomato.    We pulled forward and paid, received our bag of burritos, which was basically tossed into the car, unceremoniously by a worker who wanted to be anywhere but there, and pulled over to check it. We thought that would be a smart move, using the service we'd gotten up till then as an example.    Every burrito had both lettuce, and tomato.    I took the bag inside and got the attention of a worker. She walked up to me with an irritated look on her face, and said, “There a problem?”    I could have handled the situation in a couple of ways. I could have matched her body language and responded as if her very presence evoked the temptation to throw up. IO could have mirrored her obvious distaste for anything that resembled a customer, thereby verifying the age-old I'm rubber and you're glue philosophy. But I didn't do that. I understand that appearances can be deceiving, and sometimes people are just having a bad day. I would not mirror her, but instead, I would smile and calmly explain the issue.    “I'm sorry to bother you, ma'am. These burritos were supposed to be beef and cheese only. No lettuce, no tomato. I truly do not mean to be trouble, nor, in fact, rubber.”    The young lady sneered and snatched the bag violently from the counter like I had insulted her mother, her pet bunny, and her priest.    I watched the person remake the order. I could not see their hands, but I was focused on their lips to make sure nothing got spit on. The young lady shoved three new burritos into the bag hard enough that I'm surprised they didn't break through the bottom. It reminded me of those superhero movies when the hero has just realized their powers, and everything they touch ids destroyed by their newly found strength. Except that this woman knew exactly what she was doing, and looked up me as she handed me the bag, as if to say, That's what I do to burritos in paper bags! She didn't say a word - just thrust the bag toward me, and turned around in a huff when I took it.    I should have looked at them again, but I thought at least they probably got the order right this time, and I was in that much more of a hurry now.    We sat in the car, hurriedly grabbed our burritos so that we could get to the theatre, where certainly, we would find out somebody had used up all the eyeliner pencils and foam makeup wedges. This was a show about Egypt, after all, and nobody in the cast naturally looked anything like an Egyptian.    We each opened the wrappers, and of course, there was lettuce AND tomato on each one. I sighed, and calmly took the burritos back into the restaurant.    The young lady was not as happy to see me this time, as she was before.    “What's wrong now?!”    I was pleased with my demeanor. Mr. Rogers, himself, would have been very proud. But as it goes, pride cometh before the fall.    “These still have lettuce and tomato on them. They're supposed to be beef and cheese only.”    Here is what she said … “Just eat the D*#@ burritos!”    I, being much more euphoric than I had a need to be, asked for the manager, who came up to the counter. He was a large, sloppy looking, Neanderthal of a man, wearing a scowl reminiscent of Tommy Lee Jones on a bad day. Have you seen Tommy Lee Jones on a good day? It's still a scowl.    “What's the problem?” he asked me, not as would a manager at Chic-fil-a, smiling from ear to ear, and simply delighted to be able to solve a problem for his valued customer. This guy yelled the question at me like he was daring me to say anything negative.   I took a deep breath.   “Good sir, these three burritos were ordered to be beef and cheese only. No lettuce, no tomato. They came to me with lettuce and tomato, so I brought them back. They were returned to me wrong again. Now, I understand mistakes are made. I believe when I get to the theatre later, I will find a drunk hobo has peed all over the set. However, while I have been pleasant and patient all the way through, your employee has been rude, disrespectful, and the opposite of customer friendly from the moment we gave her the order.”    Here's the manager's reply … wait for it …    “So?”    I was dumbfounded. “What do you mean, so?” I asked.    He smirked and said, “Whatchoo want me to do about it?”    I had come to the end of my euphoria. Now, the stressed, late, irritable director of a show was about to rear his ugly head. A show, by the way, that would no doubt meet me at the door with news that a pack of rabid possums had taken residence in the sound booth.    What did I want him to do about it?     I looked at the burrito I had taken out of the bag to show them, then I looked back at the smirking manager.    I looked back at the burrito in my hand, then back at him.    Then I decided what I wanted him to do.    This is a true story.    I told him he could eat them, shoved the bag on the counter, and threw the burrito, like a major league pitcher, hitting him dead center of the chest.    It takes a lot to make me angry enough to do something like that, but I'm not stupid. He was a large man, so I decided not to ask for a refund. Instead, I turned heel and made my way to the car in the quickest fashion I could manage without looking like a scaredy-cat.    “GO GO GO GO GO!!! I'll tell you in a minute, just GO!” I screamed when I got in the car and slammed the door behind me.    I don't remember if we had time to stop anywhere else for food, or if we ran into anything like zombies taking over the stage and doing their own performance of Our Town when we got to the theatre, but the show went over well, all told.    I'm not proud of myself. I should have reacted differently. As a matter of fact, I hold to the thought that, when dealing with any situation, the outcome is far better if you respond instead of react.    My mom and step-dad responded to a similar situation recently, where the drive-thru attendant definitely made it clear it was not her pleasure to serve them. Believe it or not, the restaurant in question belonged to the same chain. It was a Sunday afternoon a few weeks ago, and they decided that instead of the usual after church tradition of fried chicken, they would stop for Mexican fare. My daughter was with them, and probably had some influence in that decision.    The details are fuzzier here, because I got the story from three separate sources, so I'll only report the commonalities.    They drove up to the intercom at the drive-thru and the attendant asked for their order. There were several people in the car, so the order was large and somewhere in all of the details, the attendant must have gotten frustrated. She became extremely rude, and my step-dad tried to help her out.  She must have taken it as aggressive, because what was the attendant's reply? Wait for it ….    She said, “Watch yourself!”    Watch yourself. Let that sink in. An employee in the service industry, regardless of how rude the customer is being, and especially when you can't be sure one way or the other like this moment with my step-dad, should never, under any circumstances, say, Watch yourself. If I had been the owner of the place and that happened, she'd be gone. Period.    After driving away, my step-dad decided the manager should be spoken to, so he found the number to that franchise and called them.    Who answered? Rudely McRuderson, that's who.    My step-dad asked to speak to the manager, and she told him he was speaking to her. Then he asked if she was the one who was so rude to him just now, and she told him “yes,” with apparently zero remorse.    This same company, at yet a third different location, this one in my hometown, recently had reports of employees at the window, asking customers if they could keep the change as a tip, and getting verbally abusive with the customers that said “no.”    My point is, there's a resounding difference between Chic-fil-a and almost all of the other fast food brands I've encountered. And this is not a Chick-fil-a endorsement piece at all. I can hear some of you now … Sure it's not an endorsement. Michael's a Christian and everyone knows Christians think there will be a Chick-fil-a in Heaven.    That's not the case at all. I don't even care that much for the food at Chick-fil-a, but they still get my business. Why? It's not because of anything spiritual, or political. It's because they make me feel like when they saw me coming, everyone's day got brighter just knowing I chose them. I don't require anyone in the service industry to treat me like a God. There's only one God, and I'm pretty sure He doesn't dress like I do. (I stole that line. Ask a nerd to explain it if you need to.)    What I do require is human decency. That's all. I understand that there are days when people feel bad, but give me a smile anyway. Or at least, fix your mistakes with courtesy so that I don't have to throw my food at you, and then run away like a frightened chinchilla.    And business owners, adopt the Chick-fil-a model. You don't even have to say My pleasure. You could say, …    The pleasure is all mine, or    We're happy to be of service, or    Nut'n but love fo ya!, or    OH MY GOSH, YOU ACTUALLY CAME TO SEE US! THIS IS AMAZING!    Be creative. And be nice.

So, it has come crashing down and it hurts inside. Whatchoo gonna do, brother? Well, one thing you could do is listen to Mind Poison. You could say this episode has it all. It’d be wrong, but you could say it. But it does have talk about Aliens, Helping Strangers, Dad Movies, Multi-Headed Shark Attack Movies, and The Real American Quiz. Thanks for listening, if you’re into that sort of thing! Mind Poison: The Number One Podcast for After It Has Come Crashing Down and Hurts Inside.

Cars 2 is the biggest and most expensive Larry the Cable guy film of all-time! But is it any good?  No! But Ryan Maher joins me for a deep dive anyway. This is a great conversation that goes everywhere from New Jersey transit to why the cars universe has human buildings to Hulk Hogan! Whatchoo gonna do when Carsmania runs wild on you? Follow Ryan on IG: @ryanmahercomedy Follow Ray Gootz on IG and Twitter: @raygootz Follow the pod on ig: @gootzsdisneypod

This podcast was made possible by www.labrottiecreations.com Check out their merchandise and specifically their fun pop pet art custom pieces made from photos of your very on pets. Use the promo code CRIMEXS for 20% off a fun, brightly colored, happy piece of art of your own pet at their site. Music in this episode was licensed for True Crime XS. Our theme song today is Indestructible by Noah Smith. Additional Music by Emorie with Moments You can reach us at our website truecrimexs.com and you can leave us a voice message at 252-365-5593. Thanks for listening. Please like and subscribe if you want to hear more and you can come over to patreon.com/truecrimexs and check out what we’ve got going on there if you’d like to donate to fund future True Crime XS road trip investigations and FOIA requests. We also have some merchandise up at Teepublic http://tee.pub/lic/mZUXW1MOYxM Sources: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBqklm8Y4ks https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS_1LSkuAq__0D6w7PVRupQ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esB_lSMSHL0 Three-day search for clues in 40-year-old disappearance ends https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6zCIXOJzWA --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/truecrimexs/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/truecrimexs/support

Crackpot Cinema: Ep #27 — Whatchoo Talkin’ ’Bout, Rainn Wilson Rainn Wilson guests on Crackpot Cinema to marvel at Gary Coleman living in a train station locker and picking racetrack winners in the 1981 opus, ON THE RIGHT TRACK. That’s right! RAINN WILSON! The once-and-forever Dwight Schrute/Bassoon King/Soul Pancake Yogi subjected himself not only to this curious farce about a homeless kid with psychic gambling powers, he also helps us suss out: • Why 1981 is the ultimate year for Cinematic Crackpotica! • The matchless excitement of vintage Fall Preview TV specials! • ALL the words to the Kaptain Kool and the Kongs’ theme song! • Norman F@¢&ing Fell! • How frazzled, fractured Inner Child McBeardo might have prompted one co-host to rate ON THE RIGHT TRACK as a “Gary Coleman” rather than a “Gary Colon.” And — PAY ATTENTION HERE — if you listen all the way through, Rainn makes a very special offer to YOU, our beloved Crackpot Public! (Get ready to tweet #OnTheRightTrack to @rainnwilson) #crackpotcinema #crackpotcinemapodcast #rainnwilson #soulpancake #theoffice #basoonking #dwightschrute #dundermifflin #beetfarm #ontherighttrack #ontherighttrackmovie #chicagomovies #normanfell #maureenmcgovern #diffrentstokes #differentstrokes #garycoleman #siskelandebert #thekidwiththebrokenhalo #arnoldjackson #arnolddrummond #tweetOnTheRightTracktorainnwilson

What do you  want? What do you need?  These are the most questions to ask when it comes to relationships. Late  night musings got Lady.Davis thinking out loud again.. hang on  folks here we go

Chris and Kyle play a classic game of "Whatchoo been watchin' and playin', dude?" and talk about their preferences for murder-free crime documentaries, chilled out television shows, and charming... Chris Pranger and Kyle Martinak, lifelong buddies, serve up a pop culture commentary smorgasbord including games, TV, movies, comics, and online media.

This week the Cinebabblers shake off the holiday dust and glitter for the first of their soon-to-be-annual Best of the Year ‘casts. This year was a better year in film than Clint or Ken first assumed, leading to two fairly diverse lists (52:45). Before digging into their top picks, though, they trot out an extended Holiday Binge Edition of Whatchoo Watchin’ Bout (2:45), featuring a who’s who of mini reviews for The Last Black Man in San Francisco (4:05), I Am Mother (8:15), Until the End of the World (13:15), Underground 6 (20:30), Dolemite Is My Name (23:05), In Fabric (26:00), The Witcher Season 1 (29:15) and BBC’s Dracula Season 1 (42:00). Then it’s Cinebable’s final Season 1 Mandalorian Minute (46:20).

We're wrapping up 1978? “Whatchoo talkin' bout?”

German POW's...here? Whatchoo talkin bout? Here. In Johnston. Multiple times. --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/jocoyo/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jocoyo/support

The man, the myth, the legend. Whatchoo know about that Percy Jewse?? Here's a little sneak peek into things to come from Paycheck and Red!!! Music by: looperman.comepidemicsound.comFrank- Sound EngineerSugar Brichess- InternPercy Jewse- Volunteer CustodianSponsors: dollarblazeclub.com@dollarblazeclub#KeepItSimpleStonersPROMO CODE: CWPR25RoughneckBeardCompany.com@RoughneckBEARDS#GrowthInAllThingsPROMO CODE: PAYCHECK15

Send it to heydickface@mail.com or to jcuf@mail.com.

JD and Noel discuss: Batman Annual 3, Jason Aaron’s Conan The Barbarian 01, Heroes in Crisis 04, Superior Spider-Man 01, and next week’s Young Justice 01 by Brian Michael Bendis! Take a listen and then feel free to comment below if you agree or disagree, or email us at CultPOPgo@gmail.com! 02:30 – Whatchoo do this week,... The post CultPOP! 580 – Spoiler Alert Podcast – Batman Annual 3, Jason Aaron’s Conan The Barbarian, Heroes in Crisis 04, Superior Spider-Man 01, and next week’s Young Justice 01! appeared first on CultPOP!.

All In news? Summer Slam shaping up. Whatchoo wanna talk bout?

All In news? Summer Slam shaping up. Whatchoo wanna talk bout?

Two middle-aged friends recall the first time they met and how they became friends as teenage graffiti artists. I said, "Oh my god, another whiteboy." And I walk over to him and I say, "Whatchoo write?" See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.

Whatchoo talkin' about, Bubbles? The Boys raise a glass to Verne Troyer, figure out how many Big Macs are in a cow, and eat some cat butt gum! Also, they answer some f#*ked emails from you awesome fans! Episode 143 is brought to you by the official Trailer Park Boys Store, SwearNet.com (the only place to watch the video of this podcash), Liquormen's Ol' Dirty Canadian Whisky, and the Boys' own Freedom 35 lager!

Welcome one and all to this week's episode of When Nerds Collide, hosted by your pals Dan and Tom! Dan opens the show by talking about using action figures to pay for his son's college education! And to purchase a mansion and a yacht! Dan starts us out with a reminder about the upcoming Tidewater Comicon (shameless plug!) and the the guys get distracted and flash back to the 90's! Dan announces that he most likely won't be attending SuperCon in Raliegh, but he really wants to so he can meet William Shatner! Dan's life was greatly influenced by this "Lost" episode of Star Trek: The the discussion turns to Dan's dislike for Jason Momoa and his appreciation for Joe Manganiello! And then he reads the the next installment of pornbot theatre for friend of the the show Jim! The the guys then have an impromptu discussion of Black Panther! Finally on to the the topic! Bruce Willis has remade a classic! Die Wish! Death Hard? Hard Wish? Death Wish! Yeah, Death Wish! Originally starring Charles Bronson, the the film features one of Dan's favorite movie quotes: The the guys cover the the high points of Bruce Willis' career, from Moonlighting to his musical career to his becoming a major film star to when Dan met him on an aircraft carrier! Tom has a list of his ten favorite Bruce Willis films and some close runners-up! Then Dan has a Bruce Willis movie tagline quiz! Then they're done, that's all! He's a ghost! SLJ is the bad guy! His wife's head is in the the box! Rate, Review, ITunes, Twitter, Facebook! Thanks to Kirby Krackle for the the Musical assisstance! Nerd to your mother! The post #233 – Whatchoo Talkin’ Bout, Bruce Willis? appeared first on When Nerds Collide.

BUY SOME STICKERS!!!!!! Paypal to thegearslum@gmail.com  1 for $2, 3 for$5

Whatchoo got on dem zeros, Rose?! Happy Birthday to Ms. Hunter--fo' eva 21. Special acknowledgement also to Rodd (representin' the 314) on his 40th.

Donald Sterling Special, racism is naughty, don't trust people in power, Zach Facts, Nazi's, America is insane, and much more specialness on this incredible episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program!

Episode # 85 of THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID finds both Matt and Kevin seriously considering a donation to the NAACP. Hey Mr. Scott, Whatchoo gonna do? Watchoo gonna do make our dreams come true? When Michael over-promises and under- delivers on his college tuition pledge, will Scott's Tots learn to forgive and forget? Perhaps a laptop battery might change your mind? No? Wait, they're LITHIUM! Back in the office, Dwight launches another diobolical plan against Jim, with typical results. But will a new TEMPORARY ally ultimately turn the tide in his favor? Very_Angelic indeed. You know, when I hired Kevin to take over co-hosting durites on TWSS he was actually applying for a job in the warehouse... I just sort of had a FEELING about him. Listeners, I have a feeling about YOU, too. Incidental music provided by the Podshow Podsafe Music Network. Email us at TWSSpodcast @ gmail. com, or leave a comment on our blog page at TWSSpodcast. com. iTunes reviews are always appreciated! Help spread the word! Also, PLEASE help support the show by signing up for a FREE 14-day trial of Netflix. Instantly watch every episode of the office from the comfort of your laptop, desktop, PS3 or xbox360-connected TV. Go to http://www.netflix.com/twss to start your free trial today. Also, check out http://www.audiblepodcast.com/shesaid for a free audiobook download.

Episode # 61 of THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID finds both Matt and Kevin wondering where they rank on the facial symmetry scale. Whatchoo talkin bout, Wallace? Agent Michael Scarn is reactivated for a corporate undercover mission. Will he deliver the dirt, or lose his heart to the family of his dreams? Back at the office, tensions flare and sides are drawn as Scranton sees the most contentious debate since Palin/Biden: Hilary Swank, hot or not? Just remember-- respect the rules of the game, man. In incidental music provided by the Podshow Podsafe Music Network. Email us at TWSSpodcast @ gmail.com, or leave a comment on our blog page at TWSSpodcast. com. iTunes reviews are always appreciated! Help spread the word!

One caller has got herself a crossdressing grandpa. Another caller has got himself a psycho girlfriend. Yet another caller has a boyfriend who's ashamed of sex. And a very lucky 4-month-old has a very cool dad. Whatchoo got? 206-302-2064 This episode was brought to you by Audible.com. Download a free audio book of your choice today at AudiblePodcast.com/Savage

One caller has got herself a crossdressing grandpa. Another caller has got himself a psycho girlfriend. Yet another caller has a boyfriend who's ashamed of sex. And a very lucky 4-month-old has a very cool dad. Whatchoo got? 206-302-2064 This episode was brought to you by Audible.com. Download a free audio book of your choice today at AudiblePodcast.com/Savage