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Listen in as your fave dolls, Muse + Steph recap their weekends including all things Roots Picnic 2025. They talking the good the bad and the ugly of it all. Festivals are popping up out the wood works and the set lists are soon to come, so lets chat. Philly and DC are both cities with a love for live music so the cast deep dives into local festival growth/expansion and what that has meant over the years. Between Broccoli's Breezy Bowl collab and Roots empty apology letter to festival goers, there's so much to talk about. Hit that play button and slam that follow button while you at it. Hmph!!!!

Previously on Saga of the Jewels…The life of seventeen-year-old RYN, bookish son of a wealthy landowner, changes forever when his hometown is destroyed by the EMPIRE and everyone he has ever known is killed. Ryn discovers that the Empire are seeking TWELVE PRIMEVAL JEWELS which grant the power to manipulate different elements, and that his father had been hiding the FIRE RUBY. Ryn sets out to take revenge on the Imperial General who killed his family and retrieve the Fire Ruby, and along the way meets NUTHEA the lightning-slinging princess, SAGAR the swaggering skypirate, ELRANN the tomboy engineer, CID the wizened old healer, and VISH the poppy-seed-addicted assassin. Together the companions decide to find all of the Jewels in order to stop the evil EMPEROR from finding them first and taking over the world. They have thus far succeeded in retrieving the Fire Ruby, borne by Ryn, and the Lightning Crystal, borne by Nuthea. They have now come to the land of FARR where, guided by the Farrian monk HULD, they have entered the ancient abandoned Earth Temple in order to attempt to retrieve the EARTH EMERALD…EPISODE TWENTY-EIGHT: EARTH ELEMENTAL“I guess we needed that boulder after all,” the purple-haired engineer-girl was saying. “It pressed down the switch at the bottom of the pit, which opened those doors.”“Hmph,” spoke the ponytailed skypirate. “I could have done that. I would have found it eventually.”The engineer girl rolled her eyes at him.Huld was just grateful that they seemed to have made it through the trap-gauntlet, for now at least. He was astonished at the variety and ingenuity of the traps and designs that had been built into this shrine to Eto. Had they been part of the original architect's intention, he wondered, or had the ‘Earth Emerald' formed those, too, around itself, as the old man had talked about?“Come on everyone,” said the fireboy, who seemed to be the leader of the group when it wasn't goldengirl or ponytail. “Let's see what's through these doors.”Huld walked forwards with the others through the steel doors.Now the pool of moving light from the collection of glow-worms in the floor, which they had been chasing for so long, moved with them, staying under their feet and following them through the doors.Beyond the doors it lit up another large, high-ceilinged chamber much like the one they had been in two floors ago.Only this chamber was somewhat smaller, in terms of its length and width, if not its height.And while it had the same brown-coloured earthen floor as the rest of the Shrine, this chamber's walls and ceiling were made of stone, grey in the light from the worm-pool. There was no exit off of it that Huld could see.“I think we've reached the top level of the Temple that we saw outside!” said goldengirl.“About time, too,” said ponytail.“But what do we do now we're here?” said fireboy. “Shouldn't the Emerald be in this room somewhere?”“Hopefully…” said the old man. “But there might be one final puzzle, one last challenge…”“Well that's just great…” grumbled ponytail.“Hey, what's that over there?” said goldengirl.She was pointing at a small object on the floor in the centre of the room.Huld walked over to it with the others in the light from the glow-worms and inspected it.Growing right in the centre of the chamber was what to all appearances seemed to be a tiny plant.The plant jutted a few inches out of the earthen floor, its stalk and presumably roots extending down into it, green in the glow-worm light. It had a few little leaves which grew off the main stalk. It was more of a shoot than a plant, really. The whole thing did not look bigger than Huld's hand.As they got closer to it, the edge of the light-pool touched the plant, and its leaves twitched.“Did you see that?!” said engineer-girl.All of a sudden the pool of light dissolved as the glow-worms all shot apart in different directions, trailing streaks of brightness across the floor as they moved away from the central point where they had been gathered. They moved faster than the party had yet seen, and made straight for the stone walls of the chamber.Which they began to eat through.The worms moved up through the walls, creating vertical lines of light in them, flaring white in the process just as they had done when they had eaten through the stone doors that had given them access to the previous chamber.None of the foreigners said anything, apparently too surprised and awestruck to do so, as Huld was. Instead they held up their hands to shield their eyes against the incredibly bright light.From behind Huld's own upraised hand, the light moved up higher, till it was coming from above. Huld had to lift his hand higher above his head to block it out and stop it from blinding him. The worms must have eaten a path up to and through the ceiling of the chamber.Then the light started to move downwards again. The worms were methodically eating through the walls of the chamber from the top, down.A deep rumble sounded, punctuated by the occasional louder rise in pitch and volume, and the floor started to vibrate. It sounded like the walls were starting to crumble and fall away as the worms ate through them.And a new light had joined the glow-worm-light now, a warmer, yellower light, all-encompassing, impossible to block out with his hand.The sun.Warm air enveloped Huld's face.He dropped his hand.As the last of the stone walls crumbled away, Huld looked round at the blue Farrian sky, the white clouds drifting aimlessly through it, the canopy-sea of green treetops that they were raised a little higher than on this earthen platform, the pinnacle of Eto's magnificent ziggurat, which had now been entirely stripped of its top floor's stone walls.The foreigners had dropped their hands too, and were looking round and staring open-mouthed at the scene like idiots.“Well, that was pretty cool,” said engineer-girl.“Indeed,” said the old man.“We're definitely at the top of the Shrine then…” said fireboy pointlessly.“Yeah, but where's the Jewel?” said ponytail.“Stay patient, Captain Sagar,” said goldengirl. “I'm sure it's around here somewhere.”The Shadowfinger, Vish, stayed silent, and barely ever said anything, Huld noted again. His one redeeming trait.“Er, guys…” said engineer-girl. “You'd better take a look at this…”Huld turned to see what she was talking about.Behind them, the plant in the floor, which they had been distracted from while the walls had been being eaten away, was growing.It had grown so fast that it was already as tall as engineer-girl, a much larger stalk slithering upwards into the air, more shoots and leaves sprouting off it and unfurling before their eyes, its base widening, thickening, pushing at the earth in which it was encased, roots starting to pop out of it like clenched fingers.“What in the hells?” said ponytail.The ground began to rumble again, then it split and cracked under their feet, a hundred jagged cracks zigzagging out from the plant's base.They stumbled backwards to where the ground remained firm, gazes still locked on the rapidly growing plant.Now it was twice Huld's height, and still growing, climbing, widening, not showing any signs of slowing.Then it roared.Can plants roar? Huld thought.They fell onto their backsides as in front of them even more of the floor split and crumbled away, and up out of it rose an enormous green plant monster.That was the only word Huld had for it. A tangled mass of knotted green and brown shoots and vines covered all over in leaves, even with bits of wood and branches discernible in the huge, seething mass of it, the plant monster was humanoid in shape, and at the top of its torso the shoots and vines were twisted into something that resembled a head, with an open space for a mouth which emitted an unnatural roar somewhere between that of a lion and a dragon.The little shoot sticking up from the floor, it turned out, had only been the tip of one of its fingers, which were each now a shoot of their own, at the ends of long arms of twisted vines. The plant monster had come up onto the platform hand-first, and used its arm to pull the rest of itself out of the ground.It stood before them now in the sunlight and open air atop the earthen platform at the summit of the earth shine, terrifying in its inhumanity, and roared at them again. The earth floor had re-formed itself underneath the monster to make the platform flat and complete once more.“What do we do?!” fireboy was yelling desperately. “What do we do?!“We fight it, you stupid pup!” ponytail shouted back. “Use your damn fire, quick!”“It's an Earth Elemental!” called the old man. “It must be the guardian of the Emerald!”“Watch out!” cried goldengirl.The plant monster slammed a huge leafy hand down at the fireboy, but he managed to leap out of the way of it in time and it only smacked against empty floor.“Fire!” shouted fireboy, appropriately enough, and thrust out his hands in a gesture not entirely dissimilar from the Strike That Moves Mountains. Maybe he was copying it. Huld wouldn't put it past a filthy foreigner to do something like that.Flames leapt from fireboy's hands and engulfed the monster's torso, setting it alight. It stepped back from fireboy and roared again, and Huld wondered if he didn't detect pain in the roar this time.“It works!” yelled goldengirl. “More of that, Ryn! Can you help us out?”“Help you out with what?”“By setting our weapons on fire again!”“Why don't I just attack it myself?!”“Don't be greedy, pup!” yelled ponytail. “Don't hog all the glory! There's enough to go around!”“Alright...come here, everyone!”The other foreigners all rushed over to the boy while the plant monster roared and staggered around on fire at the other end of the platform. They drew their weapons, made mainly of steel.“Put them all together!” commanded fireboy.The foreigners all held their blades to each other so they touched, except in engineer-girl's case, who instead contributed a metal whip. The goldengirl and the old man carried simple, straight swords. Ponytail put in two curved foreign blades. Vish had a black Imperial weapon.“Fir-AHHH!” the fireboy yelled, his magic-word cracking and turning into a shout of exertion. Again fire leapt from his outstretched hands, this time engulfing the upheld weapons in a localised inferno. Then the fire ceased streaming from his hands, but it remained burning on the blades, the whip.The monster roared again, more loudly, and this time the roar was full of fury.They all turned to look at it again, then watched in horror as with one leafy hand it tore a flaming chunk of vegetative mass out of its own torso and flung it, still burning, in their direction.The party scattered, except for fireboy, whom the chunk of flaming plant-mass hit head-on. But instead of hurting him, it broke apart on him, falling apart to either side, burning up even more quickly and smoking away into charred ashes, leaving him there, holding out his hands in the same pose he had used to set his friends' weapons alight.The plant monster roared yet again. There were still a few flames burning on its body here and there, including on the hand with which it had ripped a section out of its own chest, but it had largely succeeded in removing the part of it that had been on fire from itself. In the cavity that had been left in its chest, new shoots and vines now grew quickly to fill the gap, regenerating its body.“Poodoo!” ponytail yelled vulgarly. “It can heal itself!”“Yes, but the fire still hurts it!” the old man yelled back. “We might be able to burn it up faster than it can heal! Attack! Attack! Use your flame-assisted weapons!”“Death and glory!” ponytail shouted, and ran at the monster with his twin flaming blades held out.“For Imfis!” shouted engineer-girl as she followed him with her fiery whip.“Manolia!” cried goldengirl.The old man and the Shadowfinger ran with them too, though without feeling the need to shout battlecries, leaving only fireboy remaining standing where he was, holding his hands out.Huld watched all of this happening like a curious observer. He was a good distance from the plant in this corner of the platform he had ended up in, and he was strangely fascinated by the foreigners and their unorthodox improvised fighting techniques. He saw no reason to join in yet, if at all. This monster, fearsome as it was, was apparently a guardian of the Primeval Jewel that belonged to his people. Nothing that had happened on their journey through the Shrine had convinced him that it was a good idea to be taking the Emerald from its safe hiding place here, wherever it was. He hadn't even located it yet. It may have been his orders to help with this mission, which he was bound to obey, but he didn't have to rush to obey them, did he?What was more, he didn't have a weapon that could hold fire like the others' could. So he had no weapon that would be effective against the earth elemental.Or do I?“Huld!” fireboy called out to him, “Do...do you want some fire too?” His eyes were creased up with strain and his arms trembled where he held up his hands palm-out in a gesture which seemed to allow him to be able to keep the fire burning on his friends' weapons.“No thank you,” Huld said to him politely. “I am not quite so...keen on fire as you are.”“But don't you...don't you need a way to fight it too?” the boy gasped. It seemed to be a great effort for him to speak while he was sustaining so much fire at once.“Your friends seem to be dealing with it well enough on their own.”“Aaaarrrggghhhh!”Ponytail suddenly landed on the floor between them having been knocked backwards through the air by one of the plant monster's hands. He picked himself up and brushed himself down, wiping a bloody cut to his cheek with the back of his hand. He had lost one of his swords, but the one that he still held continued to burn with magical fire.“Why did it have to be earth first?” he grumbled. “I hate earth…”He ran back into the fray.The fireboy's friends were all slashing wildly at the plant monster, leaving trails of orange in the air where they drew their weapons across it. They were managing to hack off sections of the creature's body, big green collections of vines and leaves falling to the floor together, and set it on fire again in different places. But the vines and leaves seemed still to be growing back, in spite of the flames, and in between swiping at them with its gigantic leafy fists and roaring, the monster continued in its strategy of tearing off the flaming parts of itself and chucking them at the foreigners, or off the top of the shrine entirely, only for them to regrow.Huld sighed.“I suppose that you could try to lend me some of your fire,” he said to fireboy, “if you really want to.”He held out his wooden staff and tilted the tip of it down to the boy.“Fire,” spoke the boy, more weakly than before, and some more fire appeared and jumped from one of his hands to Huld's staff, setting the top of it alight. It burned orange and hot.Huld recoiled from it immediately, but managed to keep hold of it at arm's length. I hate fire, he thought.“Thank you,” he said, remembering his etiquette, and dipped his head slightly to fireboy.“No...no problem…” breathed fireboy, evidently struggling. “You better get in there…”Huld nodded, and ran towards the battle, holding the staff a good distance away from his body.When he ran past ponytail, the skypirate said “Baldy! So good of you to join us!”Filthy foreigner.Huld thought he should imitate the others, and he wanted to reassert where his allegiance lay and remind himself of his motivation for doing all this, so as he bent his knees and jumped high through the air, he shouted “For Farr!”It came off the tongue a bit awkwardly, but it made for a good enough battlecry, he supposed.He flew through the air and aimed an almighty thwack of his staff right at the creature's ‘head'. The staff connected pleasingly, and Huld held it in place a little longer, using its momentum and the creature's own body to keep it in contact for a moment after the initial impact.The monster's head caught fire.Huld kicked off the creature with both his feet and backflipped, landing on the ground and twirling his staff around himself in an orange-trailed flourish before letting it come to rest at his side again.“Nice-one, monk-man!” the engineer-girl called out to him. “That was fabulous!”Huld allowed himself a smile and a nod to her. He supposed that he was partial to praise, even from foreigners... Even from foreigner engineer-girls who looked and dressed a bit like boys…The plant monster roared. It was on fire again, but it tore at its own head and ripped it off, then threw it at Huld, who leapt again, over the top of it, somersaulted in the air, and came down upright.The head regrew quickly, reforming out of the plant mass of the creature's body, and the monster roared again with renewed vigour.That was unfortunate.But the foreigners seemed to have the advantage now. Whether because they were inspired by Huld's daring attack, or because they didn't want him to get all the ‘glory' as ponytail called it, they charged in again, hacking, slashing, swiping, whipping at the plant, chopping more of it off and setting more parts of it alight.Huld joined them, rushing in and swiping rapidly at its hands with his staff, deflecting them from bashing into him or the foreigners, trying to hold the monster up long enough to stop it from tearing off the flaming parts of itself before the fire could consume it completely and burn it up.If they could all attack quickly enough together, and coordinate their attacks, then maybe they could cut enough of it off and set enough of it on fire to prevent it from regrowing and destroy it completely.“It's working!” yelled ponytail. “Keep going! Keep fighting!”Almost all of the plant was on fire now and it didn't seem to be able to regenerate itself fast enough anymore. It appeared to be shrinking, even as it roared a noise of frustration and tore more flaming parts off itself to chuck at the foreigners, who scrambled to get out of the way and came back in to attack.They were doing it. They were subduing the Earth Elemental, the guardian of the Shrine to Eto and the Earth Emerald. Huld wasn't entirely sure how he felt about that, but at least they were winning.And then the fire on their weapons ran out.The flames leaping from the foreigner's swords and whip just fizzled out, leaving cold metal once again. Only Huld's staff continued to burn with fire, presumably because it was made of wood and the boy had set it on fire in the more traditional fashion.The monster reached down and grabbed his staff. Huld was too stunned with surprise to react in time. The monster snatched the staff away from him with a twitch of its arm, then snapped it in two, throwing the discarded halves of it over its shoulder, off the top of the Shrine.“Oh dear,” Huld said.“I'm...I'm sorry!” fireboy called back weakly from somewhere behind them. “I don't think I have any mana left! I used it all up! I'm exhausted!”“Well, poodoo,” said ponytail. “And just when we were starting to win as well…”The monster roared at them, having torn another massive chunk of flaming plant-mass off of itself and thrown it away, then regrown it. There were far less flames burning on it already. And it had begun to increase in size again.Its leafy fist flew through the air, aimed at Huld.He raised a defence to block.But this time, instead of punching him, the monster opened its green hand before it made impact with the monk, and instead reached out to grab him in a band of vines, which constricted around him immediately.Huld cried out in alarm and pushed against the vines, but with no fire to blight them they held fast, and constricted all the more tightly.He called out with pain as the tendrils forced themselves tighter around his chest. All of a sudden there was a rush of air as the monster swung him somewhere with its hand, and then he was completely surrounded by green and brown vines and shoots.Huld wriggled and writhed, tried to kick, punch, amidst the seething mass of plant. His vision was entirely obscured by leaves and vines and branches. Every which way he turned were only more leaves and vines and branches.What had happened? Had the plant monster taken him into itself? Into its own body?He tried to call out again but found he had no breath. Vines still encircled him, still clamped down on his chest, and they were beginning to squeeeeeze the air out of him, squeeze the very life out of him.He wriggled and writhed all the more frantically, all the more desperately, but to no avail. The effort only made the vines tighten around him even more. He was trapped.His energy began to wane. The corners of his vision started to blur. And then he lost the ability to move entirely, his vision staring to turn black and fade away.He was passing out, he realised. He was suffocating. He was going to die.Well, I wouldn't mind winning this battle if it meant staying alive, he thought dimly.The world went dark.Just before the darkness overtook the entirety of his vision, something green and bright flared in it.Huld opened his eyes again, which had been drooping shut, looking out with one last surge of desperate hope.A little way in front of him, also embedded in the mess of leaves and vines, was a green jewel, shining blighty with an ethereal glow.The emerald wants to be found, the old man's words echoed in Huld's mind. This is all a test, he realised.Could he get to it?With the last of his strength, Huld stretched his neck out amidst the tangle of vines and touched his mouth to the green-glowing emerald, giving everything he had, and kissed it.Fertile power surged through Huld, beginning in his lips and spreading to every part of him. At the same time became aware of the plant monster in a new way. All at once he could somehow feel all of its different vines and branches and leaves and tendrils. And not only that, but now he could feel the presence of the earth from which the Shrine was composed below him, underneath the plant's ‘feet'. He could feel the whole construct of the Shrine, all its different earthen floors and walls and corridors, its stone doors, and even, below all that, the soil of the earth of Farr itself. He did not know how to put it into words even in his own thoughts—but all of a sudden he could just feel them in the same way that he could feel his own body.And if he could feel them like his own body, he could move them like his own body, too.He concentrated, and willed for the plant to release him.Somewhere above him the plant monster roared again, a strained, peculiar noise. Huld hadn't known before how a plant could roar, but now with his new earth-sense he perceived that one of the many different kinds of plants of which the tangled elemental was composed was able to trap and release air, and that a group of them were releasing a rush of pressurised air in coordination from a collection of vines in its ‘throat' in order to make the roaring noise.The plant was resisting him, but Huld was exerting some effect on it.The monk shut his eyes, drawing on a lifetime of meditation and attention-training, and used his new earth-sense to ‘feel' for the vines and shoots that composed the monster's arms. He felt their presence ineffably, but he also saw the two arms in his mind's eye.He concentrated, and, as if it was his own, made one of the monster's arms rise to reach inside its own torso.Huld felt familiar tendrils encircling himself, but this time they constricted around him only to pluck him out of the seething mass in which he had become embedded. Air rushed over him again briefly as he willed the monster to pull him out of its body, and then opened his eyes with a jolt as he willed it to let him go and landed on his back on the ground with a smack.Stars burst behind his eyes and the Farrian sunshine blinded him for a moment, breaking his concentration, but then he was springing onto his feet again, reaching out with his earth-sense towards the plant, willing it to submit to him.Around him, some of the foreigners were still pestering it like irritating mosquitoes, and now Huld realised that it had taken others of them into itself.“Son of a submariner!” came a muffled cry from within the body of the plant, from a body concealed by foliage. “Heeeeeelp!” Engineer-girl.“Get us out of here!” came another. Fireboy.This was why the other foreigners weren't attacking it all-out anymore, but merely defending themselves from it and taking cheap shots—they didn't want to hurt their companions.“Master Huld,” goldengirl called to him from nearby. “You made it release you, somehow!” She saw much. Huld did not like that. “Can you make it release Ryn and lady Elrann, too?”Huld set his jaw. “I will try,” he said in earnest.Intuitively, he reached out his hands, much as he had seen fireboy and ponytail do to call their fire and wind, and felt with his new earth-sense to take control of the plant's arms again.He got them, but the plant resisted him, pushing back against his control. It was like the monster had a consciousness, a will of its own. Or maybe it was the will of the Jewel itself? Was that possible?Huld grunted. Exhaustion sapped his limbs already—he was new to this power, and after the first initial flush of awakening to it, it was hard work to use it.He gritted his teeth, a long hiss of effort issuing from between them, and forced the monster's two arms up and into itself, searching for the engineer-girl and fireboy, found them, and pulled them from within it. They came out with gasps of relief as Huld made the monster plonk them down on the floor. It must have been strangling them to death too.Huld dropped his arms after the two foreigners landed, releasing his mental hold on the monster. His triceps and forearms had filled with bright, flaring pain from the effort he had just expended.“How did you do that, baldy?” ponytail said next to him, his forehead scrunched up with incredulity.“Inside the creature…” Huld conceded, panting. “I touched… the Emerald…”The plant monster took a step towards them.“Well do you think you could use your new abilities to take that thing out?!” ponytail shouted.A plant-fist flew through the air towards Huld.He put his hands up again and willed for it to stop…...only to be smacked in the chest and sent tumbling back heels-over-head along the floor.He almost went over the edge of the platform, but put his hand out and grabbed the lip of it just in time, thudding into the earth wall below with the side of his body as he dangled.“Ouch,” said Huld. His arm strained almost beyond belief.He took a deep breath, got his other hand up onto the platform too, then grimaced as he wrenched himself back up onto it, in spite of himself a gasp of pain spilling from his lips.The battle had resumed. The foreigners danced forwards and backwards, throwing hopeless strikes and avoiding the plant monster's hands like their lives depended on it. Which, in fact, they did.Ponytail turned and saw Huld standing at the edge of the platform.“Baldy!” he called. “Look, if you've got earth-powers now, can you sort this thing out for us or not?!”“I am sorry,” Huld called back. He was apologising more than he would like to today, and to filthy foreigners of all people. “I am not strong enough. I think I may have ‘run out of mana', as the boy put it?”“That's right,” called goldengirl, jumping out of the way to avoid a grab from the monster, then running back to join him at the edge of the platform. “You only just got your powers,” she said when she reached him, her face flushed. “You would have had the surge when you first touched the jewel, but they are new to you, so your mana reserves won't be very large yet. You can only increase them through training and practice. Have you got anything left?”“No,” Huld said, keenly aware of the pain in his arms. Though maybe there was a small something left in there. “Or at least, not much,” he added.“Grandfather,” goldengirl said to the old man, “can you give him some of your mana?”“An excellent idea!” said the old man, his face lighting up. “I almost forgot! Though I must be careful not to entirely deplete my own reserves.”While the others kept the plant monster busy, the old man ran over to Huld and laid a hand on his shoulder. Normally Huld would have protested at this gross invasion of his personal space and breaking of etiquette, especially by a foreigner, but he was growing to accept some of their stranger ways.“Syphon,” said the old man, then “Cure.” Huld felt a lightness spread from his shoulder through the rest of his body, and the pain in his arms subsided.“Thank you,” he said to the old man, bowing.“Don't mention it.” The old man grinned through his white beard. “Though I'm out of mana myself now.”Huld wasted no time. He put his two hands forward, making gripping shapes with each, and concentrated on the plant monster.In the middle of pulling back for a strike at engineer-girl, the plant monster stopped in place, trembling against the force of Huld's earth-manipulation. He felt it resisting him, like a magnetic force physically pushing against his outstretched hands, but he held it in place. For now.“Now!” Huld yelled desperately. “Attack it now while I am still able to hold it!”“Come on, everyone!” the Manolian cried. “Now's our chance!”The foreigners rushed the monster again, though this time without any flame projection from fireboy. Being the nearest, engineer-girl got to it first, lashing at it with her whip, which shot out like a silver snake lunging towards its pray and lashed through some leaves. Then ponytail, Vish, fireboy, the Manolian, the old man, all arrived with their swords, jumping and cutting wildly at it, tearing sections of growth from it as Huld held it in place.The pain returned to Huld's arms, sharp as needles. He could feel the plant monster resisting his grip, pushing against him, intensifying the pain. He clamped his jaw tight.“We're doing it!” ponytail yelled as he slashed off another chunk of vegetation. “Just a bit longer! We've got it this time!”And then Huld lost control of the monster again.The pain in his arms had reached its highest pitch, and even though he still had his hands out and was concentrating hard on holding the monster still, it broke his grip all of a sudden and immediately flung out a massive arm, sending the surprised foreigners flying in all directions like it was swatting away a collection of irritating flies.As it stepped towards Huld, he found he didn't have the strength or quickness to move out of the way.Bright pain shone on his face as he spun through the air from the monster's blow.Huld found himself on his back on the platform again, blinking from the sting of the pain, looking up above him at the bright, hot, Farrian sun.The bright, hot Farrian sun, brilliant in the clear blue sky, visible because the glow-worms had eaten away the stone walls at the top of this Shrine.The bright, hot Farrian sun, brilliant in the clear blue sky, visible because the glow-worms had eaten away the stone walls at the top of this Shrine, which had fed the plant monster with light so that it grew from a tiny shoot in the ground to this roaring, tangled mass of regenerative vines and leaves that they were now struggling to defeat.Huld had an idea.He reached out with his earth-sense, feeling the soil and clay of which the shrine was made below him, under his back, on all sides of him, in the floor of this platform, right at its edges where the stone walls had been…“Earth! I summon you!” he found himself yelling, forcing his mind to focus on the material of the platform and intensifying his concentration on the words he spoke.At the same time he thrust both his hands upwards towards the sky, then rolled over onto his side, arms still outstretched, pushing himself up with his legs onto his knees, then, with a great force of his will, straining, standing, lifted his hands high above his head as they trembled and shook.As he did so, the earth around the perimeter of the platform rose up into the air, pushing up from lower down in the Shrine, becoming a wall around the top of it which rose as high as Huld, then higher than him, replacing the original stone walls of the chamber.Acting on instinct, with what felt like the very last of his earth-projection energy, or ‘mana', or whatever stupid term the foreigners used for it, Huld brought his two hands above his head slowly together.The earth he had called up to form walls around them bent inwards towards the middle of the platform, then continued extending to form a dome, making a large, shrinking hole in the air above them.As the hole closed up, the light coming from the sky diminished, progressively blocked out by the newly risen walls, eventually to form only a small circle through which a single beam of sunlight fell, spotlighted on the plant monster, until with the last clap of Huld's hands as he clasped them fully together the hole closed up completely and the light disappeared.Darkness had returned.In the dark, the plant monster roared, and now Huld heard fear in the roar.“Again!” Huld shouted as he sank to his knees from exhaustion. “It gets its energy from the sun! Attack again!”In the darkness, he only heard the frenzied footsteps of the others charging forward to attack, and their battlecries.“Death and glory!”“Manolia!”“For Cleasor!”“For the One!”“For Imfis!”The dull thwacking sound of blades hacking at vines and foliage.The sound of a plant monster roaring even more loudly again in...pain?Grunts of exertion, a shout of shock, a rush of air, the thump of a body and metal on earth as someone fell to the ground with their weapon.A hand pressed on his shoulder again. “Here you go, Huld,” said the old man. “This strategy had better work, as this is the very last of my mana.”Lightness filled Huld once more.“I thought that you said that you were out of ‘mana'?” Huld challenged the old man“A version of the truth,” said the old man. “I kept just the littlest bit in reserve for any emergency healing, or to use at the right moment. Such as now. Half the trick of fighting is knowing when to strike. I've just given a very little to Ryn too, now that that monster can't seem to regrow itself anymore.”A flare of light from fireboy's upheld hand confirmed his words, and lit a vision of the six foreigners crowded around the monster, hacking and whipping at it as it writhed and lashed out at them, apparently stripped of its regeneration power now the sun had been blocked out.Huld almost felt sorry for it.But not really. It had tried to eat him after all. And his orders were to destroy it and to take the Jewel.“Hold it, Huld, hold it!” fireboy shouted, no doubt having seen that the old man had replenished the monk's energy reserves and he was back on his feet.The plant monster was on fire again, the crackling light from its burning body now illuminating the re-walled chamber. Stripped of its regeneration ability, it could do nothing about this but flail around madly at the foreigners, who merely ducked and dived out of the way of its limbs, then jumped in again when it turned away from them to hack at it some more.Huld stretched out a hand, and for the third time that day held the monster in place.“For Farr!” he yelled.Weakened, the monster held fast, stuck in a pose with an arm pulled back to strike at fireboy.They had it.Safe from the strike, fireboy unleashed a final elemental attack at the monster, orange flaming from his hand and setting anything that wasn't already on fire alight. The rest of them pressed in, hacking whole chunks of flaming vine and shoot from it, some of them getting so near to the flames they were almost burned.Fixed in place, falling apart under the spell and swords of the foreigners, the monster let out one final, deafening roar that went deep and long, then began to peter out, growing quieter and quieter until it ended in a failing hiss, then ceased altogether.They had defeated the plant monster. All that was left of it now was a formless pile of burning mulch into which its body had disintegrated.Something shone bright and leaf-green at the centre of the mulch. Something small and oval, so bright that it gave the walls and the foreigners a green glow.The Earth Emerald.Without another thought, and before any of the foreigners could do so, Huld ran forward and reached into the mulch, not caring that some of it was still on fire, to grab the Jewel and pull it out.As soon as his hand wrapped around it, he felt power surge through him again, just as it had done when he had touched it with his lips inside the plant monster, only more so. Energy throbbed along his arms and legs, reinvigorating him. He felt solid, stable, secure. And all the more disliking of fire than ever.He hopped back a safe distance from the burning remnants of the plant monster.The Jewel was cool to the touch, despite the fact that it had recently been embedded in a pile of flaming plant mass, and shone bright green.He looked around at the foreigners, who stood panting, staring at him with wide eyes and faces lathered in sweat, and breathed a long sigh of relief.He had completed his mission.Now to return the Jewel to the Governor, who would keep it safe from these filthy prying foreigners. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sagaofthejewels.substack.com

A Humiliated woman continues her narrative. By LiminallySpaced. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels. But before I could think too much about Stephanie's implied jealously toward Tara, Stephanie moved things along. "So Tim; what was this 'wild' thing you saw?" "Well," I began, conjuring up the images I had witnessed, "I was doing some prep for the grad ceremony after school, and I forgot my bag in Ms. Dorman's room. I went back to get it on my way out and,” the pause wasn't so much for dramatic effect as much as it was me still not totally believing what I saw. “ I saw Ms. Dorman bent over her desk. Getting fucked from behind."Stephanie's folding stopped. "What?" she said, excitedly, finally looking up at me. "Yeah, no shit," I chuckled, "she had her skirt up around her waist and she was getting fucking RAILED. And not by her fiance!" "Oh my God, who was it?" Stephanie blurted, raising an excited hand to her cheek, dropping her cold exterior to revel in the hot gossip. I looked her dead in the eyes. I knew the answer to this would elicit a response from her, and I wanted to see it. "Mr. Ridley," I said. Stephanie looked away from me. "Oh really?" she said flatly. She grabbed the shirt she had been folding and got up off the bed, heading towards her closet. "Good for him," she said, her back to me. "Yeah, Ms. Dorman actually caught me watching, we talked about it afterward," I continued, my eyes watching her back for any sign of expression, "she and her fiance are in a sexless rut, and Ridley kept hounding her, so she decided to give in. They do it every couple weeks or so, but she doesn't seem to find it very satisfying, I definitely don't think he's making her cum." "Hmph, not surprising," she reflexively chortled. That was it, that was something I was looking for. There definitely was something to her story of lost virginity, but I wasn't sure what. I needed to find out. "Stephanie, that story you told me the other night, about how you lost your virginity, was it true?" "Why does it matter?" She said, idling at the closet, her back still to me, "I was a virgin, I got fucked, and then I wasn't. Who cares how it happened?" "I care," I said, attempting to break through her defenses, "I care about, you." It wasn't a lie. Her fidgeting stopped and she turned towards me, a reticent look on her face. I was starting to put the picture together. "It was Ridley, wasn't it?" I said, a gross taste at the back of my mouth as I said it. "Just maybe not exactly like you described?" Stephanie paused a moment, a far away look on her face, then moved over to the bed. She climbed in and wedged herself between the pillows at her headboard, knees tucked up almost under her chin. She took a deep breath. "I had such a crush on him," she began. My stomach went cold. Ugh. Ridley. "I thought I was such hot shit - I had jerked a few guys off, but that was it, really. Didn't matter though, I thought I was the queen of sex and seduction. You start to see what you can do to a man, to his cock, and you start to feel powerful." She wasn't lying. I knew from first hand experience how powerful a woman can be with your cock in her hand. "He was the hot young teacher, all the girls talked dirty about him. He flirted with everyone, So when he became the assistant coach, I decided I was going to do what the other girls wouldn't dare; I was going to fuck him." I moved over to where she was, and sat on the edge of the bed. "On a tournament trip?" I asked, breathlessly. "No," she continued, "I had made it a point to start flirting back, and one day after practice It was just him and me putting the equipment away. It was quiet, we were alone, so I went up to him and grabbed his cock." My pants started to tighten. Decency be damned, her taboo story was making me hard. "He groaned and smiled," she went on, "and I reached in and pulled it out. I hadn't seen that many dicks at that point, and his was the first that was curved, which was interesting." I chuckled. This little detail confirmed her story was true. "I was rubbing his cock, jerking him off, and I kept wanting to go in to kiss him, but he just wouldn't shut the fuck up, so I'm standing there, jacking his cock, and he's going 'yeah, that's it, yeah, jerk it' like some fucking porno!" "Oh wow, that's classy," I said sarcastically. This supposed lothario of a teacher seemed to be a real jackass. "So I'm jerking him off, and he starts going 'yeah, you want it? You want that cock, baby?' and I mean, despite it being less than the sexiest thing I've ever experienced, it was what I came for, and as you know I always keep my word,” visions of Stephanie by my side at the prom flashed in my head as I nodded. "And so I just said 'yeah, baby, i want that cock!'" She shook her head in embarrassment. "My God, I can't believe I actually said that,'' she chuckled. "Well, in any event, that seemed to be all the invitation he needed," she sighed, "because as soon as I said that, he grabbed me, spun me around and started squeezing my tits." That cold twinge of jealousy grew into my stomach, but it was more than just jealousy. The thought of Ridley grabbing her tits, poking into her back with his hard, bent cock made me a little angry. He was a total tool, and he was getting to have this experience with Stephanie, a girl who definitely deserved better. "It was a pretty exhilarating experience. My cunt is wet, is what I'm saying, so when he started pawing at my shorts, I didn't stop him, and I reached down and helped him out." My cock throbbed at the imagery, I wished it was me sliding her pants off. "So he yanks my shorts and panties down," she said with a bit of a pause. Her eyes got kind of far away for a moment as she conjured up the memory. "And he bends me over. I'm grasping for anything to stabilize myself, and he's just saying 'you want this cock, don't you? You want me to give it to you?' and I wasn't lying when I said 'yes, give me that cock!' like a goddamn pornstar." Her legs shifted together a bit at this moment. I couldn't tell if it was from arousal or embarrassment. "So I'm expecting, I don't know what I was expecting, I guess a bit more tenderness? A bit of foreplay? Some consideration at all of my own needs at the very least, but instead, as I'm there bent over the equipment rack, I hear him spit into his hand. Then I feel the head of his cock line itself up between my cunt lips, and he just starts to push into me. There wasn't any pain, like I said, I sure was wet, but it was just a very sudden, surprising experience. I gasped, and he kept pushing, and my body keeps taking him in, and then I feel his hips against my thighs; I've got his whole cock inside me. I wanted to take a minute to get used to it all, but he immediately starts pulling out, and then he thrusts back in. I feel him grab my hips with both hands, and then he just starts pumping. He's fucking me. It feels good, but it's all so overwhelming, I can't really focus on anything. I'm gasping for a controlled breath, and he's just pounding away at me, grunting, saying "yeah, take it, take that cock, you volleyball girls are built for fucking!'" She laughed a bit at the ridiculousness of what was being said. I cringed. "So he's fucking me, pretty uncontrolled and erratically, and just as I'm starting to get used to the sensation, he pulls out of me, grunts loudly, and starts cumming on the back of my leg." "Again," I said, "real classy." She laughed in agreement. "Yeah, I mean it was all over so fast, and now there I was, leaning against an equipment rack, dripping with spunk, trying to figure out what the hell I just experienced" she laughed again. "Then to put the cherry on it, he slaps my ass, and says 'thanks babe,' in a gross 'bro voice,' can you believe it?" "I can, actually," I said. What a twat this guy was. "And so that was it," she concluded, "it was just the one time, and we never even really talked to each other for the rest of the season." "What'd the other girls say when you told them?" "I didn't. I just, I don't know, like I'm not mad about it or anything, but it just wasn't, it just wasn't worth talking about." We sat in silence for a moment. I looked at Stephanie. She deserved so much better. He could have felt those long, shimmering legs wrapped around him, felt her wet cunt grip his cock and pulsate as she orgasmed. He could have heard her squeal in delight as he took her nipple into his mouth. This gorgeous creature in front of me deserved to be worshiped and experienced, not treated like a kleenex. He didn't even kiss her. Silently, I shifted up next to her on the bed. She looked me in the eye. Her long legs stretched out in front of her. She had let her guard down. I reached my hand up and gently touched her face. She didn't flinch. I ran my thumb gently over her lips. Those full, luscious lips of her, he didn't even kiss them. So I did. It was electric. I heard her exhale quietly as our lips touched, and she let out a low moan as my tongue slipped into her mouth. I felt her hand touch my leg. It squeezed. Our lips glided over each other, and we began to pull each other close, when all of a sudden she broke our embrace and pushed away. No words were said, but the look on her face was one of trepidation. At this point, despite all the times she'd blown me, jerked me off, or all the times I'd eaten her out or sucked her nipples, we had never kissed. We had crossed a line into a new level of intimacy, and she wasn't sure how to handle it. What it meant. What I meant. I looked down and saw her hand gripping my thigh, oh so close to my hard cock. I reached down, took her hand off my leg, and put it back beside her. I would love to have felt her hand on my cock again, on my swollen balls, but this wasn't about me. It was about her. About experiencing her. About showing her that I was real. Putting her hand down by her side, I reached back up, cupped her cheek, and smiled at her. She closed her eyes. She was nervous. I leaned in and felt the heat of her breath on my face as we kissed once more. Her nervousness broke, her body relaxed, and I felt her tongue enter my mouth as I pulled her close. Our tongues sparred with each other slowly, passionately. She wrapped her arms around my head, and my hands ran up and down her body. We languished in each others' mouths with deliberate kisses. My lips and tongue loved on hers, sliding away for hot excursions to her neck and jawline that elicited shallow gasps from Stephanie before my lips joined hers once again. My hard cock pressed into her hip, and her legs began to slide back and forth against each other in arousal. Without ever leaving the safety of her lips, my free hand slid down her body, past the swell of her perfect breasts and hard nipples, down over her flat stomach, and under the elastic of her pajama pants. There were no panties to be found. My fingers quickly became slick as they slipped between the swollen lips of her cunt. Stephanie moaned into my mouth and her hand came up and gripped my face as we kissed. I dipped a finger inside her, feeling the tight heat of her body, then drew her wetness up in search of her clit. A gasp and a soft bite of my lower lip told me I had struck gold. My fingers massaged her hard clit in slow, smooth circles, around and around, dipping back into her wet core periodically to refresh their lubrication. Ragged breaths released into my mouth as our lips continued their passionate dance, and she pulled me tighter as the tension mounting in her core grew higher and higher. Around and around went my fingers. Her hand gripped my hair tight. Around and around went my fingers. Little squeals and yelps started to escape from her throat as her body started to twitch. Around and around went my fingers. She pulled her mouth away from mine and threw her head back, gasping for air. My continuous kisses on her neck and jawline egged her on. Around and around, around and around, my fingers summoned her orgasm. Her squeals and yelps came faster now. The hand that wasn't gripping my hair grasped wildly at the sheets of her bed, and with a final, exuberant "fuck!" I heard those three delicious moans burst from her throat in their short-short-long succession as she began to cum. It was at that moment that I sipped my finger down into her cunt while my thumb strummed her clit through her orgasm. I needed to feel it. I needed to feel her. Her body tensed around me, and my finger was deep in her spasming cunt. I felt it squeeze and release my finger in a wild rhythm. Her thighs squeezed my hand, and she shook as the pleasure worked its way through her body. Coming down from her euphoric high, I cupped her cunt gently with my hand and held it there as her breath began to return to normal. She turned to look at me, and took my lips back onto hers. We held each other, kissing slowly and romantically as I felt the warmth of her vagina and the pressure of her thighs. Somewhere along the way both of us drifted off to sleep. Minutes later, hours later, days later, who's to say, a pleasant feeling gently roused me from my sleep. A warm feeling. A wet feeling. The moonlight diffused through the curtains on Stephanie's windows was the only light, and as consciousness returned, the feeling became more pronounced. I looked toward the source of this glorious wake up call; my crotch; and through sleepy eyes I saw a dark figure hunched over me. Hair bobbing up and down in a messy bun, the only sound in the dark room the slight, subtle slurp of a mouth sliding slowly up and down my iron-hard cock. "Stephanie?" I squeaked out. The sucking came to a slow halt, and the figure rose up to look at me, perched on her knees between my legs. Bathed in the soft moonlight was Stephanie. She was completely naked. A soft smile skirted across her lips, and she leaned forward, a strand of golden hair falling in front of her face. It drew a line up my chest as her face floated down toward mine. Still only half awake, I felt her lips touch mine in a passionate kiss as she snaked her body, throwing her leg over me. Stradling me. My cock was straining to the heavens as we kissed. I could feel the heat radiating off of her cunt as it floated above me. Our lips parted, and her eyes found mine in the darkness. We made no sound, but for our ragged, excited breaths. Her eyes asked the question, and my eyes gave the answer. Reaching back with one hand, she gently grasped my straining cock, and positioned it snugly at her opening. "Oh my God," I gasped. My hands reached up and gripped her spread thighs tightly. Then with one, long, agonizingly slow movement, my step sister's best friend lowered herself down on top of me, taking the full length of my cock deep into her body with one stroke. We both gasped. My cock was completely enveloped by her hot, wet cunt; my cock was in Stephanie's cunt; and even the slightest shift or movement sent shocks through my whole body. I was inside my first woman, a woman I truly cared about, and this overwhelming new sensation sent me careening toward the edge. Stephanie ever so slightly began to rise up, drawing her tight lips along my screaming length. I gasped again, losing all control over my breath. My balls churned again, and that coil of sweet pleasure came rushing to my core. "That's it, Timmy," Stephanie cooed as she increased her deliberate up and down grinding on my cock. That name, Timmy, a name that had once been a weapon used to tease and torment me, took on a new, erotic meaning as this golden goddess took the length of my cock inside her. It was now a term of want. Of desire. This wasn't hard, fast, staccato fucking, this girl was using her whole body to coax me toward ultimate pleasure. My whole body was vibrating. "That's it," she said lovingly, placing her hand on the side of my head as she watched me lose control. "That's it, Timmy," she whispered once again, followed by the command of all commands: "Cum for me. Cum inside me." The white hot spring snapped. My head lolled back, and my mouth hung open, overcome with sensation. My balls rushed up tight, my cock flared out hard against the walls of Stephanie's cunt, and I began filling her with torrent upon torrent of hot cum. "That's it, baby, that's it," she encouraged as her tight cunt milked the pleasure out from my very soul. I felt the walls of her cunt twitch and slide as I flooded her with my semen, and Stephanie pulled me close to her as she rode me through the waves of euphoria. "That's it, baby, that's it." I pulsed inside her for what felt like days, and I felt as though I would have flown away if it weren't for the weight of her glorious body to keep me on earth. She laid down upon me fully now as my cock began to soften inside her. Her perfect breasts pressed tight to my chest, and our breathing matched in a deep, synchronized rhythm. I wrapped my arms around her and smiled as we both began to slip into sleep once more. "I might be in love" I thought as the world fell away, "and she leaves in three weeks." Chapter 13: It's graduation day, so that means party time! I was sweating my ass off in the heat, seated amongst my fellow graduating classmates, but I didn't care. My friend Mike sat next to me, and was talking to me about something or other, but I didn't hear a word he said. My mind was on one thing and one thing only. I woke up that morning alone. The previous night had to have been a dream, right? But as my eyes fluttered open and the blur of morning vision dissipated, Stephanie's room came into view. It was no dream. I laid there, wrapped like a snake in the covers of her bed, and basked in my memories of the previous evening. Stephanie had opened up to me in more ways than one, and a night of passion and care where I had given her my full attention had ended with her taking my virginity. Stephanie, my step-sister's best friend, the girl who tormented me relentlessly as kids, took my virginity, and fell asleep on top of me with a womb full of my cum. I smiled at the memory, and felt a throb between my legs. I hadn't realized it at first, but the magic of "morning wood" had drawn my cock out long and hard. I enjoyed the feeling. I reveled in my erection, a proud reminder of my manhood, and every thought replaying the previous night's events in my mind just reinforced the solid structure. I turned my attention toward the bedroom door as Stephanie came padding in. Fresh from the shower, she had a towel wrapped around her head, and wore nothing else but a black bra and panty set. She stopped at the vanity mirror across from her bed, and began drying her hair. For a moment she didn't notice I was awake. Her reflection in the mirror afforded me the pleasure of taking in both sides of her body at the same time. Her tight, flat stomach and the swell of her supple breasts on one side, the curve of her long soft back, the bump of her perfect ass, and the full length of her statuesque legs on the other. I had been between those legs last night. I had been inside that exquisite body. The stiffness between my legs did not abate. I watched her in silence, when her eyes suddenly caught mine in the mirror. She tried to stifle the smile that formed on her lips, looking down as she did so. Clearly she was remembering last night too. "Morning," she said, catching my eyes again as she continued to dry her hair. "Morning," I said back. I couldn't stop the grin forming on my face if I tried. "What time is it?" "Its early," she said, moving toward her closet to find some clothes, "You should be able to get back home without anyone noticing." "Trying to get rid of me?" I teased, sitting up in bed. She chuckled as she moved back toward her vanity, draping her shirt over the chair. She shifted her weight to one side, flaring her hips out deliciously. "I've gotta go to work," she said, affixing her earrings, "and you've got a big day in front of you." "What if we both just, skipped?" I said, shifting myself over to the edge of the bed closest to her. Stephanie turned around to face me, resting her ass on the edge of the vanity, arms crossed across her breasts. "You want to skip your high school graduation?" she said with a cocked eyebrow. "I would," I said, getting up off the bed, revealing my stiffened state. I slowly closed the distance between us, led by my erection. She chuckled again. Her eyes flicked down to my hard cock. She uncrossed her arms and braced herself on the edge of the vanity. I leaned in close, and paused for just a moment to watch Stephanie moisten her lips with her tongue. I smiled, and went in for a kiss. She sighed slightly as our lips met. Our tongues quickly began to tangle and spar. My hand drifted up to her stomach and felt the smooth skin atop tight muscle, then slid down over her hip. My finger slowly slipped beneath the band of her panties. Stephanie suddenly broke the kiss. "Listen Tim," she began. My stomach sank. This was it. The rejection was en route. She would tell me I was a good guy and it was fun, but it was a mistake and we should just go back to;  "We need to be smart about this." Her hand came up and gently touched my chest. "What is your step mom going to say if she catches you coming in?" I smiled. I leaned into her, laying my erection across her thigh. I slipped another finger into her panties and started to pull down. She didn't stop me. "I'll tell her I was out for a run." "You don't look like you were out for a run," she said through a shallow breath. As my hands slid her panties over her legs, I followed them down till I was on my knees in front of her. "Well then," I began as my hands started running up and down Stephanie's golden calves. Her eyes closed dreamily, and she instinctively parted her legs. "I guess we'll just need to find a way for me to work up a sweat!" Stephanie laughed in disbelief as my head drifted between her thighs. "Good God, I've created a monster!" A loud gasp escaped her throat as I drew my tongue up between the lips of her cunt; she was already wet. I immediately lifted one of her firm thighs over my shoulder as my tongue lapped away at her sweet center. Good lord she tasted good. Gasping breaths quickly turned to squeaks and moans. One hand left the edge of the vanity and gripped my hair tightly. Her hips gyrated and humped at my lips and tongue as I pleasured her. Wanting to drive her completely over the edge, I took one hand off her thigh, quickly dipped two fingers into my mouth, and then slid them up into her sweet cunt, eliciting a loud, throaty "oh!" It was a cry of pure sensation, with no care for whether anyone heard her. My fingers massaged her tight walls while my tongue ran circles around her clit. Her body began to vibrate. Her breaths came short and fast between syrupy moans, and then all at once her hand pulled my face tight to her cunt, her legs clamped closed around my head, and I heard that sweet chorus of moans; short, short,long; as Stephanie's body was rocked by orgasm. Before her cunt even finished pulsing, her leg slid off my shoulder, and she pulled me up by my hair with a breathy "c'mere, c'mere." I stood up quickly, and she kissed me hard. Her hands frantically grasped at my hips, and she broke the kiss long enough to exclaim "Fuck me; fuck me right now, Timmy!" That name sent a thick throb into my already rock-hard cock. She grabbed at me wildly as she sprung her legs up around me. I grasped for stabilization on the vanity and pushed toward her, my lips never leaving hers. Stephanie found her dripping opening with the head of my cock, her heels dug into my back, and I pushed. She gasped hard as the head entered her, but only the head. I drew back, pulling her sweet nectar back with me. Her hand on my cock quickly spread it around, coating my shaft, and I felt her heels in my back, harder. I pushed again, and in a single stroke my entire cock was enveloped by hot butter. Stephanie and I both let out a low moan as I bottomed out inside her, but there was no time to savor the feeling; where last night had been about a slow, gentle experience, this morning was all about pure lust. Her legs and cunt wrapped tight around me, I grunted into her hot mouth and began to thrust. The vanity began to shake and knock against the wall as I drove my cock deep into Stephanie's tight body over and over. I could feel the grip of her cunt lips on each outward stroke. My balls churned. Stephanie was slick, wet, and welcoming, and I glided in and out of her with ease. Her lips left mine with a wet pop as she caught her breath. The sensation was overwhelming us both, and I felt her arms wrap tight around me. "Yes, yes, fuck me, Timmy, fuck Me!" she gasped directly into my ear. I fucked her hard and fast, completely lost in her cunt. I felt the hot spring of pleasure coil itself up inside my balls, and short cries escaped my throat as I tried to hold it at bay. Stephanie heard my cries of approaching pleasure and egged me on. "Yes, that's it, baby," she whispered into my ear between staccato breaths every time her body accepted my thrusting cock, "that's it, cum for me, Timmy; give it to me; give it to me!" I let out a low howl and pushed my stone-hard cock as deep into her as I could. My balls wrenched up tight against my body and exploded, flooding her sweet cunt with an eruption of hot semen. I buried my face into the crook of her neck as the pleasure pulsed through me. As my orgasm subsided we held each other quietly for a moment. The only sounds in the room were our ragged, gasping breaths. I peeled myself off of my step sister's best friend, pausing to look down at her body beneath me. The thin layer of sweat on her chest glimmered in the light as her breasts heaved up and down in exhaustion. Her smooth stomach sucked in and out, flaring her ribs with each deep breath. Her legs were spread wide, wrapped around my torso. Her cunt, her cunt was spread wide, wrapped around the girth of my cock. My cock was inside her. Inside Stephanie. My cock was inside Stephanie. It flared again with renewed lust. "Down, boy!" she chuckled, gently pushing me back off of her. I watched my cock slide out of her hot core, ringed with a white froth of mingled bodily fluids. A thin string of juice reached from the tip of my dick to her juicy cunt, the last bit of our connection holding on for dear life as I slipped out of her. I stumbled back and plopped down on the bed, spent cock glistening and not yet deflated. I looked at Stephanie's hot, erotically charged body, and watched my semen begin to slowly drip from her swollen lips before she began to straighten up. "Jesus, Timmy, you just might be a natural," she exhaled as she tried to get her bearings. My spent cock twitched again. "I'm gonna have to take another shower!" "You want company?" I said with a big, Cheshire grin. To say I felt cocky was underselling it. I had just rocked a woman's sexual world for the very first time. At that moment I was fucking bulletproof. "no!" she exclaimed with a laugh. "Now get out of here before that gorgeous cock of yours gets us into trouble!" She said with a flustered smile. I took in the sight. God, she was sexy. "Go!" she chuckled loudly again. I snuck out the back door, in order to come in the front door, hoping to cement my alibi of going for a run, should my step mom Kelly, or step sister Alexa catch me. As I rounded the corner and started toward the door, I heard a giggle. My eyes darted toward the sound and were greeted by a broad smile framed with fiery red hair. Sarah, my next door neighbor and long time crush, watched me as she finished stretching her hamstring on her front steps. "You're up early," she said with a grin. "I was, out for a run." I said unconvincingly. "Um Hmm," she scoffed through a smirk. Unlike me, Sarah actually had just come back from a run, judging by the spandex that hugged her blossomed curves. She stared straight through me. She knew where I had been, what I had been doing; it was written all over me. "Well, definitely a good day for it!" she lobbed at me, preserving my alibi. I nodded sheepishly and turned toward my door. "Oh, and Tim?" she called from behind me. I turned back toward her curiously. "Don't forget to stretch,” she said with a syrupy lilt. My face turned beet red. She bounced her eyebrows, bit her lip through her widening grin, twirled away from me and hopped up the stairs into her house. As I stood under the hot shower minutes later, my brain was vibrating with hormones, memories, and fantasies. Despite all the activity of the morning, my cock was rock hard again, and I stroked it furiously as I cataloged my thoughts. Thoughts of fucking Stephanie. Thoughts of fucking Sarah in her tight running gear. Thoughts of fucking them both. Thoughts of them fucking each other. My sore balls wrenched themselves up toward my cock once again. With a quiet grunt I fired out even more cum, this time against the wet walls of the shower, and for a quick moment my mind was perfectly clear. Oh, to be eighteen and horny. Sitting under the hot sun at the graduation ceremony, lost in a memory of the morning, I began to think about what all this meant for the future. I wanted Stephanie, wanted to be with her, wanted to be inside her every chance I could get, but what were we beyond that? She was leaving for college in a month, and surely she wasn't going to want the baggage of a younger boyfriend at a different school as she began the next chapter of her life right? Or for that matter, did I want to have a long distance girlfriend? I was determined to just live in the moment, but it was hard not to think about what we were, or what we could be. Just then I was snapped out of my day dreaming as the P A system echoed a name through my ears: Tara Austin. My eyes quickly found the stage as Tara, the girl I considered one of my best friends, made her way across the stage. She had modified her black graduation gown to have a fiery, red fringe along the bottom, and had lined the edges of her flat mortar hat with metal studs. The principal shook his head as she took her diploma from him, which made Tara beam. Ms. Dorman was on the stage with some of the other teachers, and Tara stopped to hug her before heading down the stairs. My mind briefly wandered to Ms. Dorman; Julia; and wondered if she and Ridley had secretly fucked before the ceremony. Or maybe they planned to afterward. She looked good today, in sensible slacks and a nice blouse. I thought back to the vision of her shirt being snapped open and her breast jiggling erotically as she was pounded by Ridley's crooked cock. Had she ever swallowed his cum? I wondered when the last time she had an orgasm was. Tara stopped at the far edge of the stage and curtsied at the crowd with a big smile, eliciting a few whoops and claps. She was radiant. We hadn't talked in a long time, not since the night we told each other the truth about our activities at the prom, and honestly I wasn't even sure why. I had hurt her, but I was probably doing more damage by running away. I was jealous, no which way about it, and I didn't know how to handle it. We had both entered into sexual relationships with extremely unlikely people that the other didn't particularly care for, and It had driven us apart. Surely we were good enough friends to get past this though, right? But then again, Tara hadn't exactly reached out to me since then, so maybe she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Soon enough it was my turn to cross the stage in graduation, and as I made my way toward Ms. Dorman I swear she started to blush. She held open her arms and I met her with a warm hug. Her breasts felt soft and nice against me. "Congratulations, Tim," she said warmly, "I'm going to miss you." "Thanks, Ms. Dorman," I replied. She pulled away from the hug and looked at me with a smirk that almost felt flirtatious. "What'd I tell you?" "Sorry; thanks, Julia," I chuckled. She smiled and squeezed my arms. "Listen Tim," she continued before we parted, "talk to her. She misses you, I can tell. Whatever it is that happened between you two it's not worth losing each other. Just put in the work." I nodded thankfully. She smiled again, pulled me in for a final hug, and then I was off. I sat back down under the sun and ran through a lot of things in my mind. Julia was right, someone needed to break the ice, it was just a matter of how and when. "Hey," I said, turning to Mike, "what's the deal, is there going to be any sort of graduation party tonight or this weekend?" "Of course!" He chuckled, "tonight at Suzie Travino's. They're saying the entire graduating class might be there, it's gonna be wild." "Why the fuck am I only hearing about this no; you know what, that's cool, I'll be there." Ugh, I was so lame and out of the loop. Regardless, if the whole class was going to be piling into Suzie's house, that means Tara would most definitely be there. So I needed to be there too. I had a lot on my mind all day, but the celebratory dinner with Alexa and Kelly helped take my mind off things. We had a great time, and had just come home for dessert when Alexa's voice boomed from the hallway "Hey, look who I found!" I looked up from my spot at the kitchen table just as she entered with Stephanie right behind her. I smiled. "I heard there was a celebration happening - you get your first pube or something?" Stephanie and Alexa laughed. My smile quickly turned to a frown; she did it again. Hours earlier I had been balls-deep in this girl's cunt, and she was still keeping up the charade in front of Alexa. I was more than happy to keep our relationship, or whatever this was, on the downlow, but I at least wanted some respect. Unfortunately for her, two could play at this game. "Oh come on, Stephanie, you know full well how many pubes I have" I responded dryly, "or did you not count them while you were sucking my dick?" Alexa choked on her drink, and the color drained from Stephanie's face. "JESUS, Tim," Alexa said between coughs, "getting a bit aggressive, aren't we?" Staring directly at Stephanie I didn't let up. "Oh, you didn't know? It's true. In fact just just this morning Stephanie and I had hot, heavy sex on the edge of her vanity." There was a long, thick silence. I watched Stephanie start to turn beet red, not sure how to respond. Alexa looked at her in disbelief. I smirked, our roles finally reversed. Then in a loud guffaw, Alexa burst out laughing. "Hahaha oh my god, Timmy, that is hilarious!" The smirk quickly faded from my face. "Never in a million fucking years!" She continued to laugh in disbelief. I looked at Stephanie, who nervously chuckled along with her. "What's so funny?" Kelly said as she entered with a small cake in hand. "Oh nothing, Tim's just being gross," Alexa handwaved. Kelly set the cake down and began to cut. My eyes were burning a hole through Alexa. "Hey Kelly, how's Brian?" I said just as Alexa took another drink, causing her to choke again. "He's good, honey, he's been out of town on business, but he'll be back soon." Kelly said with a smile. "That's great, we should all do something together when he gets back," I continued, my smirk returning, "I don't think Alexa has really gotten a chance to know him yet." Now it was Alexa's turn to go pale. "That sounds like a great idea, Tim!" Kelly said. I felt a little bad, because I could tell Kelly was happy that I was expressing interest in meeting her new boyfriend, a man who would potentially occupy the same role as my deceased father, and in reality I was just trying to stick it to Alexa. There would be plenty of time for me to get over that though, and right now I had cake to eat. It tasted great. Later, as I was getting ready for the party at Suzie's, my phone buzzed. It was Stephanie. "So what was that about?" it read "I should ask you the same question!" I replied. There was a long pause. No bubbles, nothing. I got ready to shower, and right as I wrapped my towel around myself my phone buzzed again. "Pick me up from work tomorrow night; I have a graduation present for you." I was annoyed at her, but couldn't stop my cock from flexing in arousal underneath my towel. Fuck, what was this girl doing to me? "Ok," I texted back, and then threw my phone across the bed. I stopped to pick up Mike on the way to Suzie's. He and Kerri were apparently having some sort of spat, and he poured it all out onto me on the drive. I couldn't tell you what it was about though, because my mind was full of its own hormone-crazed problems, and I just "yeah" and "uh huh"-ed him the whole way there. We could hear the thumping bass even before I turned the car through the tall gate of the Travino estate. Suzie's house, a gaudy McMansion paid for by her father's lucrative law firm, sat at the head of a snake-like driveway. Cars were strewn all about the sides of the long drive, and after finding a decent spot, Mike and I made the rest of our way on foot. Passing by two classmates passed out at the foot of a large fountain, we made our way into the throng of young adults ready to take on the world. Or at least the world's largest beer bong. I think Mike might have been right; it seemed like the entire class was there. Possibly the entire school. We found our way over to one of several kegs, got some drinks, and tried to mingle and talk over the din of music and voices. Only half listening, I scanned the ocean of bodies looking for Tara, but had no luck. Suddenly I felt Mike's hand grip me hard on the shoulder. His eyes were wide and livid. Turning to where the dagger of his gaze fell, I saw Chet Phillips, the captain of the football team, chatting up a hot, busty number near the kitchen island. A hot, busty number with a big mane of curly, black hair. Oh my God, it was Kerri. Kerri had all the curves befitting her Greek heritage, she wore a shimmering, backless blouse that showed a lot of chest, putting all her genetic gifts on display. With no room for a bra, her tits hung free under the fabric, jiggling erotically every time she moved or laughed. Funny, I don't think I ever really noticed her tits before. Damn, they were nice. A black, pleated skirt hung over the swell of her generous ass, and her thick, soccer player's legs descended down into high heeled ankle boots. She was dressed to impress, and Chet was getting the full court press. Touching his arm while laughing, leaning over to "accidentally" flash her full cleavage at him, cocking her hips just so; Kerri was out to prove a point, and it was safe to say it was a point not lost on Mike. He was fuming. After swearing a bit under his breath, he muttered something about having to "go do something," downed his 3/4-full beer, and began wading his way over to the kitchen. I laughed and took a sip of my own drink. Damn, she had nice tits. Making my way into the living room I continued my search; no Tara. I saw some recognizable cliques keeping to themselves, AV club over by the window, drama kids over by the bookcase. My mind drifted to thoughts of some of those drama girls. We all had heard the rumors about drama club just being a constant fuck fest, and frankly I regretted never joining. I'd love to have had the chance to eat out star actress Alyssa Mitchell, or feel up mousey Chrissy Thomas; Chrissy was one of those magical girls who was tall, stick thin, but had huge breasts. Not even her black turtleneck could hide them tonight. I wanted to suck them. I wanted to put my dick between them. I wondered if she had ever wrapped those beauties around a hard cock, if they'd ever been showered with jizz. My lewd day dream was cut short, however, as I spotted the math team. Sitting among the glasses and bad haircuts was a bright, beaming smile and a blaze of red hair; it was Sarah. God she looked good. Still playing it conservative for the general public, a nice sweater vest sat atop a buttoned down blouse, expertly hiding the exceptional breasts she had herself. Sensible jeans encased her toned, runner's legs, slip on flats on her feet. She wore no makeup, and frankly didn't need any. No one knew what kind of body she hid under her clothes. No one but me and Tara. Her smile seemed to be lighting up the whole room, and as she tossed her cascading red locks over to the other side of her head, her eyes clicked over and locked on to mine. She turned that beam of a smile over to me, and raised her glass at me. I returned the gesture, and with a sip and a wink, she went back to her conversation. That wink. God, that wink alone got me hard. I decided to keep moving, and continue my search. Following the thump of the music, I moved out onto the patio, where flashing lights and bouncing bodies bumped and gyrated to the rhythms. I peered through the pulsating mass, and was stopped dead by the flails and swivels of a luscious figure ringed with a bright aura of red and green party lights. Mesmerizing hips drew me in as the red plaid of her skirt spun outward with every twirl, jingling the rings and chains that hung from her black leather belt. Black stockings ran from mid thigh down into the tops of white, Doc Martens. Bracelets bounced and shimmered on her arms as she drew her hands over her body, over the black tank top that covered her stomach and sank low at the neck, displaying the cleavage of two, perfect breasts. Cleavage that almost seemed to try and devour the bangles at the end of the long necklaces she wore as they bounced around her globes. Black, spiky hair reached toward the sky off her bobbing, lolling head. Dark eye liner accented her lashes. And her lipstick, her lipstick matched the color of my tie. It was Tara. She looked amazing. Lost in the sounds and vibrations of the music, the lights caught the gentle spritzing of sweat that shone on the flat of her chest. She danced with no one, she danced with everyone. She just absolutely exuded sex. I couldn't help but stare. Snapping me back to earth was a tug at my side, followed by a loud bellow of "Hey, Tim Miller!" Turning sharply, I was greeted by the quirky smile and thick, black glasses of class valedictorian, and host of this blow out party, Suzie Travino. Suzie was half Italian, half Japanese, and all cute. Definitely an egghead, but not in a traditional nerd sort of way, Suzie was the jackpot mix of smart, popular, good looking, and rich. Skinny, with small, perky breasts, Suzie wasn't really my type. Not that I ever had the chance, and not that I ever would have thrown her out of bed if I did, but she just wasn't my type. That being said, her small ass looked phenomenal in her tight jeans, and she cocked her hips out to the side as she continued. "Great to see you!" she said, punching me in the shoulder, "I feel like I never see you at parties!" She had a glaze to her eyes that told me she was already pretty buzzed. "Yeah, I'm a bit of a homebody," I chuckled, darting my eyes past her trying to find Tara again in the dancing crowd. No luck. "Well I'm glad you made it, dude!" She laughed and took another swig of her drink. "Listen, Suzie, I have to; " I began, when suddenly there was a big commotion of cheers and whoops coming from across the patio. Both of us turning toward the rabble, we saw the recipients of all the accolades: it was Bud Pepper and fellow classmate Mark Prepon. Both beaming ear to ear with embarrassed smiles, each holding the other's hand. They chuckled, they hugged, and then in front of practically the entire graduating class, Bud and Mark kissed. The whoops and hollers got even louder. "Wow, good for them!" Suzie squealed, clapping along, "they're so cute together!" "Yeah, totally," I responded, but my attention was elsewhere. Looking back toward the dance floor I desperately searched for Tara. Bud was the guy she lost her virginity to at the prom, and he was her, well honestly I wasn't sure what he was to her at this point, since we hadn't been talking lately, but he was more than a friend, that's for sure. My eyes scanning the crowd, finally I caught her. She watched the new couple for a moment, a bittersweet smile forming on the edge of her lips, and then she quietly made her way away from the crowd, away from the bright colored lights, and into the shadows back toward the house. I had no idea what she was feeling right now. I thought back to our conversation the last time we talked, and her dismay at being viewed as nothing more than a sex object, and here, now, was her, whatever Bud was, celebrating a relationship with someone who wasn't her. She was alone again, and that hurt me inside. Suzie's attention was still held by the new lovebirds, so I quietly slipped away after Tara. I followed behind her and watched her slip upstairs and into one of the rooms. Quietly padding after her I stood outside the room and paused. I was nervous, but I wasn't sure why. Tara was one of my closest friends, we had shared so much, and I wanted now to be there for her if she needed me. That was all I wanted, to be there for her. As her friend. At least that's what I told myself. I slowly opened the door and entered. The room was dimly lit by a single bedside lamp. Tara sat on the edge of a large bed, one leg tucked under, typing away at her phone. She didn't even notice I had come in. "Hi," I finally said. Her head popped up from her phone, startled, her big, doe eyes wide with surprise. Relaxing as she recognized me, she plopped her phone on the night table. "Hey," she finally responded. It wasn't cold, it wasn't angry, it was just, her. "I saw what happened down there, with Bud,” I began timidly, moving closer, but stopping at the tall bedpost at the corner of the bed. "I just wanted to make sure you were ok. I know you guys were,” I honestly don't know if I could have finished that sentence even if I knew what term to use. A warm smile pulled at her lips. "Nah, I'm fine; I'm happy for them." She chuckled a bit to herself. "In fact, I'm the one who set them up!" "What?" I laughed loudly. I plopped myself down on the bed across from her. It was instinct. Just like old times. "Yeah, Bud and I, we, never really clicked." Her eyes drifted for a moment. "We tried, but it became pretty clear pretty quickly that we were, interested in different things." "What about the prom?" I said with a slight crack in my voice. "That was, just something we both needed, I think," she said wistfully. "We learned a lot from each other though," she continued, "I think we both learned how to be comfortable with who we are a bit more. He figured out who he was, what he wanted, and I knew Mark had a crush on him, so I had no problem playing matchmaker." "Sounds like all that applause is really for you, then!" I said lightly. She chuckled and blushed a bit. "I was happy to do it. It makes me happy when the people I care for are happy." she said. I smiled in response. "Plus it greatly increases your chances of a guy-guy-girl threeway!" I blurted out. A comment like that would have been par for the course a couple months ago, but now I wasn't sure how it would land. Luckily she burst out laughing and the tension between us began to drift away. "You know me too well, Miller," she said through a warm smile. "What about you, Tim," she continued, looking right at me now, "have you figured out what you want yet?" I just took in the room for a moment. It was quiet. The thump of the downstairs music was audible but faint. The slatted door of a closet across from us stood slightly ajar. The warm, low light cast deep shadows across Tara's body. "Yes," I finally let out, practically whispering, "I want us to be friends again. I miss you so friggin' much, Tara, I miss talking to you, I miss laughing with you, there's so much going on right now that I barely know how to process because I don't have you to talk to about it. Like,” I didn't know where to start, “ like Ms. Dorman!" I exclaimed, "I caught Ms. Dorman getting fucked by Mr. Ridley the other day!" "I'm sorry, What?" She said, her big doe eyes going wide again with surprise. "Yes! He had her bent right over her desk, and was railing her from behind, and it was awkward, and it was hot, and it was confusing, and I so desperately wanted to talk to you about it." My franticness calmed down and sincerity returned. "I am so sorry I ever made you feel bad for a single second. You're my best friend, and I want you in my life, Tara. I just hope, that maybe you want me in yours too." There was a long pause that bound my insides into tight, cramped knots. She breathed in deep, and let out a controlled breath before saying "I do, Miller, I miss you too." Breath escaped my body desperately, and I somehow managed to begin breathing again. "That is so good, to hear, Tara," I wheezed. She leaned in and gave me a big, tight hug. We were going to be ok. Tara and I were friends again, and that's all either of us wanted. "There's so much I want to tell you, seriously." We broke our warm hug, and Tara leaned back again, a look of slight trepidation on her face now. "Well," she began, fiddling with the hem of her plaid skirt, "in the interest of full transparency I should tell you," she paused. " I'm kinda seeing someone." "That's awesome!" I blurted out joyously. I may have over done it though, as my positive reaction was masking a cold dropping of my stomach. I wasn't sure why that pang of jealousy came back, I was legitimately happy for her, but there it was. "How big is his cock?" I joked. Like I said - overdoing it. "Well the thing is," she began, but was cut off by the creek of the bedroom door opening. "Shit!" she said in a loud, panicked whisper. Frantically she grabbed on to me, and seeing no other recourse, reached for the closet door, shoved me inside, and quickly jumped back onto the bed. Still trying to wrap my head around what was happening, I watched through the slats of the closet door as Tara breathlessly tried to appear calm and relaxed. I felt a stir in my pants as my more voyeuristic tendencies began to trigger. I couldn't yet see who entered the room, but I watched Tara's perfect breasts rise and fall beneath her tank top as her eyes met this mystery entrant. It had to be the guy she was dating. Why else would she be so flustered to have the two of us in the same room? Suddenly a voice pierced the silence. "Hey, I got your text." My breath stopped short in my chest. I knew the voice right away, but I couldn't believe it. I strained my eyes around the corner of the closest door, desperate to prove my ears wrong, but it was no use. Then I heard the swish of walking legs and all at once my eyes confirmed the sound. Looking through the slats of the closet, the curvy, jean-clad ass of a woman entered my eye line. Slowly my eyes traveled upward, not wanting to believe what I was seeing, but reality became undeniable as they locked on her hair. That lovely wave of fiery, red hair. Sarah, my next door neighbor and longest crush, the girl Tara and I witnessed get thoroughly dicked down while we jerked off together, climbed onto the bed, leaned in, and kissed Tara passionately. Tara melted. Kissing her way down Tara's neck, Sarah's hand drifted down over one of Tara's perfect breasts and squeezed. Tara moaned, and her legs pulled up and wrapped around Sarah's body. The movement bunched her skirt up around her waist, and from my vantage point I could see the cheek of her ass peeking out from her black panties. Sarah continued her travels down Tara's writhing body, briefly kissing and squeezing all the landmarks, but with a destination firmly evident. Her lips traipsed over the bunch of Tara's skirt, and she wrapped one arm around an exposed thigh as she pushed her face between my best friend's legs. Tara gasped. Kisses peppered her panty-clad cunt as her breasts heaved up and down in overwhelming sensation. Then Sarah suddenly stopped, planting a couple kisses on Tara's thigh as she pulled away. Looping her fingers through the band of Tara's panties, Sarah stood up, and pulled. Tara smiled, lifting her ass as Sarah slid the panties down her legs, off and over her boots. Any concern for me being in the room was gone now, and Tara was overcome with lust. Her hands ran over her own thighs as they butterflied open, giving me a full view of my best friend's sopping wet cunt. I had seen her perfect tits, I had seen her body shudder and shake with orgasm, but I had never seen her cunt. Now here it was on full display. Her lips were swollen and wide with desire, glistening with moisture in the low lamp light, and there wasn't a strand of hair anywhere; she was fully, smoothly shaven. I wasn't sure when the last time I had taken a breath was. I was overcome with a million conflicting emotions. I felt betrayed that Tara was in a relationship with the girl she knew I had lusted after for years. I also knew I had no right to feel that way. I was jealous of both of them. I was guilty that I was watching this so clandestinely. On top of this all, however, I was hard as a fucking rock. Reaching down and grasping the hem of her sweater vest, Sarah shimmied her hips as she pulled it up and over her head. She then made a show of it as she started unbuttoning her blouse. Tara smiled and drifted her hand down between her legs. She dipped her finger into her wet cunt, and began slowly rubbing herself as she watched Sarah undress. I couldn't see the reveal of Sarah's ample breasts and tight stomach, but as her blouse fell away, I found the smooth swoop of her back to be intoxicating. Then, with a shimmy of her hips, she turned her back to Tara and I was greeted with a full view of her stomach and bra-encased tits. Those tits. Oh, my God. Large and pale, they sat high in a lacy bra thin enough to see her hard nipples through. Sarah undid her belt, and with a sexy cock of her hips began to peel her tight jeans down her legs. I got a good deep look at her full cleavage as she bent over, and my cock throbbed. Straightening back up, she looked back over her shoulder at Tara, smiled, and reached up and unsnapped her bra. Tara stood up off the bed and embraced Sarah from behind, wrapping her arms around the redhead's scantily clad body. Tara ran her hands all over Sarah, kissing and licking at her neck and collarbone as she explored. Sarah sighed, and gyrated her ass tight against Tara's crotch. Both breathing heavy now, Tara slid her hands up to the cups of Sarah's bra, and in full view of my voyeuristic eyes, almost like she was doing it for my benefit, my best friend pulled the fabric away and set Sarah's large, beautiful tits free. My hand went to my cock and squeezed. Tara pushed Sarah's tits together, eliciting a deep moan from the redhead. Sliding under them, Tara lifted those hefty breasts, almost presenting them, and then pinched their hard, pink nipples between her fingers. Sarah gasped. My hand slowly lowered the zipper on my pants. This was so wrong, but I couldn't resist. Tara's hand slithered down Sarah's body, over her stomach, stopping briefly at the band of her panties before silently slipping inside. Sarah's hips began to gyrate as Tara bathed her fingers in the hot wetness I had literally dreamed about. My cock was practically screaming. Reaching in, I pulled it out through the fly of my pants. I could practically feel its throbbing heat without even touching it. Sarah turned around, grasped at Tara's shirt, and quickly pulled it up and over her head. Having no patience for the clasp of a bra, Sarah yanked Tara's bra down off her perfect tits, expressing a startled gasp from my best friend. Her hands gripped each globe, and she attacked them each with her mouth. Sucking, kissing, licking, Tara's tits soon glimmered with Sarah's wet saliva. Every time Sarah's lips latched on to a nipple, a short sexy moan escaped Tara's lips. Holding on for dear life at the erotic assault, Tara's breath heaved, and her hands gripped and kneaded at Sarah's full ass, desperately working the girl's panties off inch by inch. Stumbling forward, Sarah pushed Tara back down onto the edge of the bed; Tara's tits bounced playfully as her ass hit the mattress. Sarah bent over, sliding her panties all the way down her pale legs, giving me a full view of her ass, her cunt lips squeezed between her thighs. Tara just smiled, and used the moment to remove her boots and climb fully onto the bed. I think I began to drool. Or at least my cock did. It stuck out firm and hard from my zipper and I was losing my self control. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to be angry, but more than that, fuck, I wanted to cum. Tara's legs butterflied open and closed again in anticipation; clearly an excited tick she had that I never knew about. It was adorable. It was sexy as hell. Her hand drifted back to her own throbbing, wet lips. Those glistening, aroused lips, I think I wanted to taste them. My finger idly traced along the length of my iron cock. A small, static shock of pleasure surged through me. Tara took in the view of the redheaded goddess before her and smiled just as Sarah took a step forward, grasped Tara's thighs, and slowly lowered to her knees on the floor. Tara repositioned herself, shimmied forward slightly, and let out a long, wet moan as my biggest crush's tongue began dancing all over my best friend's clit. It was all I could take. My hand gripped my firm cock and began to stroke. My eyes strained through the slats of the closet desperate to take in every bit of the erotic sight before me. Tara gasped and moaned, writhed and shook, as Sarah lapped and sucked. Her tits rose and fell, nipples reaching for the sky as her breath heaved in her chest. They jiggled delightfully every time she shifted to regain stability, or after an unexpected shock of sensation. There was no stopping me now, I was in a trance, stroking my cock deliberately while transfixed by this sapphic exhibition. Tara hoisted herself up onto her hands so she could watch Sarah's tongue perform its magic. They locked eyes and Tara ran her hand lovingly through Sarah's ginger locks. Sarah's hand drifted down over one thick thigh to meet her tongue at Tara's dripping center. Stopping momentarily to catch her breath and lube up her fingers, Sarah's lips latched back on to Tara's clit and in one smooth motion she pushed two fingers deep into Tara's cunt. With a loud moan, Tara lost her stabilization and dropped back onto the mattress, her lovely tits bouncing wildly. Her breath was ragged and fast as Sarah slid fingers in and out of her wet cunt in time with the tongue playing pinball on her clit. Regaining her stabilization, at least on one elbow, she ran her hand back to Sarah's hair, but this wasn't a loving caress, this was a wanton grasp, a fist full of hair to hold on for dear life as Tara rocketed toward ultimate release. I stroked hard and fast as I watched my best friend's face crinkle and grimace, eyes squeezed shut, mouth dropping open in a pleasurable "O." Her moans came faster and shorter, tits jiggling with every breath, a slight, wet slurping no

The Peddler & the Fairy: Part 10 A night of drinking at a most unorthdox establishment. In 10 parts, by Scholarly Mori. Listen to the Podcast at Explicit Novels. The temperature rapidly fell as the sun set behind the horizon. A light snow had begun to fall, muting the steady click-clack of the carriage as it meandered under garlands of holly leaves and colored lanterns. "Why's it look so festive, Herd-mate?" Asked Reina, poking her head in the window. [[MORE]] "Hard to say. Depends on who's celebrating what. There are holidays the whole city engages in around the winter solstice, but it's not uncommon to see communities enjoy time amongst themselves to honor the end of a productive year with family and friends." Humans and demi-humans alike were huddled in warm clothes, their breath mixing with the steaming mugs they held in mittened hands. Not dressed in her warm winter clothes, Suvi crossed her arms. Jeni, wanting to be helpful, wrapped her wing around the shivering ratgirl. "This one has body heat to share. Friend Suvi should feel free to request it whenever she needs." Suvi snuggled into the warm owl girl's feathers, surprised by how small she felt underneath all the fluff. "That's, uh, nice of you. I'm not used to being so close to people, but I'll try." Devin smiled at the two girls' growing friendship. He was especially happy to see Jeni opening up to someone besides himself and, more recently, Azalea and Reina. Since her return from the academy years ago, he had seen her interact with customers, but it was always curt and brief. Azalea popped her head out from Jeni's other wing. "What's your favorite time of year, Suvi?" "Hmm, other than the cold, this is my favorite time of year because all the warm drinks are free." "Agreed! Warm drinks are wonderful," the fairy voiced as she made eyes at Devin, "especially when it's freshly made and enjoyed with loved ones." "You'll specifically enjoy tonight then," hinted Sable. "Not the one you're probably alluding to, but our girls are skilled in a wonderful assortment of beverages." Reina trotted up next to the driver's seat. "How long have you worked at Whitegold, Miss Sable?" "This is my tenth year." "What do you do there?" "I fulfill all the managerial work: finances, menu coordination, and act as scout and recruiter for potential new hires. Our turnover rate is rather low, though. The boss used to be more involved, but now she takes a very hands-off approach, but you are in luck tonight. She is gracing us with her presence this evening." "I look forward to meeting her." Sable hid a smile as she turned down a side street tucked away from the more festive pockets of people. She pulled back the reins, stopping in front of a three-story building made of dark walnut. Below a balcony jutting from the second story hung a giant cast iron sign embossed with two pitchers pouring intertwining liquids. The building was wider than it was long, and several brick stairways ascended to a tall set of double doors in the middle. Sitting on the bottom step stood a familiar figure. Azalea darted out of the cab window and into an open embrace. "Mama Sanna!" "Hello again, little Azalea." "What are you doing here?!" "I run the bakery during the day and work here part-time at night." Sable slid down from the driver's seat and opened the cab door. "She's security. Also does a bit of the heavy lifting when we get shipments in." "So you knew you were gonna see us tonight!" the fairy exclaimed. "I hoped so. I didn't know when you were coming, so I wanted a chance to at least say hi before I go about my duties tonight. You are in for a lot of surprises tonight." Azalea jumped up and down in the grizzly woman's large, clawed hand. "I love surprises!" Sanna laughed. "Some of them, I'm sure you will, others; might be a bit harder to swallow at first, and a few," she commented while looking specifically at Devin, "might take some getting used to." Before Devin could ask what she meant, she was already leading the carriage away and offered, "You folks have a good evening." With a wave, she and the carriage disappeared behind the far side of the building. Sable climbed the stairs and held the doors open. "Now, since we are here," she cleared her throat to continue, "welcome to 'Whitegold,' a finer dining experience than you'll find anywhere in the western half of the kingdom." The group entered the lobby, led by Devin, who stopped in front of a 'please wait to be seated' sign. "This is quite the opulent waiting room." A five-tiered chandelier made of old antlers, with pine-scented candles hung from the arched ceiling entryway, the light reflecting off a gold and alabaster stained-glass wall. Somewhere behind it were moving, shadowy figures holding lutes, pipes, and a tambourine and playing a relaxed and light-hearted melody. Sable moved in front to address them. "We are a somewhat exclusive establishment with many noteworthy individuals, influential business folk, and city administration as members. While the general public can make an unsubscribed reservation, the wait time can be rather long." "We wanted to create a relaxed but classy atmosphere and provide uncommon services to those willing to spend for it. While it's more common amongst smaller businesses, we do house most of our employees on the third floor." "Looks like you've done well for yourself," Devin suggested. "Our success is due to the accumulated effort of all our girls. This way, please." She led them through the left of two arched passages. "We have twin wings on each side, allowing us to seat around forty individuals. We designed the main dining room to be circular. To that end, we've positioned the tables for larger or more uniquely shaped demi-humans around the outside and smaller ones toward the middle. We've found it makes diners feel like they belong. It also gives an unobstructed view of one of our centerpieces." She motioned to the middle of the room. A tawny fountain with five sandstone likenesses of two satyresses and a human girl were arrayed in a circle. In the center, taller then the rest, posed a rarely-seen holstaur. Each statue stood naked, poised with chest thrust out and nipples spraying wispy streams of water into the collecting basin below. "Makes quite the first impression," Azalea mused. "It was an impromptu addition." Sable waved toward a pair in topless uniforms. "The flirty saytresses are Eija and Hija. They mainly serve tables. Our holstaur, Janina, runs the milkbar. As far as I'm aware, she's one of only three in the city. A real sweetheart." The two goat girls were laughing and bantering jovially as they served customer-filled tables. At the bar against the wall, a huge-breasted cowgirl busily mixed her breast milk into customers' drinks. Sable produced a small set of chimes from her pocket and flicked one of the metal tubes causing a sudden squeak from Suvi. Simultaneously, a human girl standing next to Janina and draining her own milk into a pitcher jumped. She looked up from her work and searched the crowd until she spotted Sable. Whispering to the other two, she trotted over with a big smile, her perky boobs bouncing. "Hello, Mistress Sable. You called? Shall I prepare a large group table?" "Not this time, Kirsi. We are headed upstairs." "The private room, eh? Too bad; they looked like a fun group to serve." Addressing Suvi, "Are you ok, miss? You look a little flustered." "Y, ya, I'm fine." Suvi flashed a suspicious look at Azalea, to which the little fairy held up her hands innocently. Devin caught the exchange between the two. "Did something happen?" "Our toys activated for a second, life-mate. Perhaps Miss Sable's device?" "Toys?" Sable looked at the chime. "Wait, did you girls feel that?" "We did." "Maybe they know Eitri," Kirsi suggested. "Yes, we know her, and her cousin!" Azalea proclaimed. "We went to their store during our shopping earlier today." "I see. She must use a set number of sounds for her merchandise. All the tables are given a bell to call a serving girl to their table if they need anything." Sable held up a small tablet of twenty tubular pipes split into top and bottom. "This is the master set. I can call each girl using it should I need to get their attention. Depending on how I hit it, I can relay instructions." Kirsi turned around and pulled up her dress, revealing an assplug decked with a five-petaled white flower with a yellow center firmly nestled in her apple-shaped bottom. Azalea swooped down to get a closer look. "Oh! How cute! A plumeria?" "Oh, is that what kind of flower it is?" "Yes! They grew all over the fields near my home," Azalea divulged before flashing her own. "We got one too!" "How lovely, like a little cut gem. It does a good job of catching the light. I've never had anything in my ass before, so I'm still getting used to it." "You and me both," mumbled Suvi. Sable patted the peppy girl's head. "Kirsi is our newest full-time employee." "That's me! This is my third week. I'm mostly waiting tables and providing supplemental milk when needed." She pinched her nipple, letting a few droplets fall onto her finger to show everyone before sucking it clean. Kirsi felt a tug on her sleeve. "This one couldn't help but notice the uniqueness of your uniform, especially the way it draws the eye to your mammary glands." "You like it? It's woven of high-quality sheep girl wool." She raised her arms and performed a little spin. "Designing it together was such fun, but we had a hard time deciding because we all wanted different things. The sisters like to flirt and flaunt their bodies, so they wanted a lot of cleavage showing, but Janina wanted it functional -- also, her boobs are enormous -- so no tight clothing. We opted for a full cutout to let our boobies hang free." "Since all our customers love our milk, I thought we should represent that?' I suggested the boob window be heart-shaped and framed with lacey bows." Stable straightened one of the ribbons. "The proprietress and I wanted to make sure they felt they had a say in how they presented themselves. The girls comprised three groups, so each was responsible for their group's base design. After two weeks tossing around ideas back and forth to the manufacturer, this is what was settled on." "Do you normally not wear the same uniform, Miss Sable?" Asked Reina. "Only when we are at full capacity and need more hands helping out." "Which is almost never because she thinks customers don't want to see a woman with small boobs. She's only one size smaller than me, and I keep telling her size doesn't affect how much milk she produces," Kirsi explained with a giggle. "You girls produce more than enough." "You're making your customers sad! She has a small handful of regulars who love how she tastes," retorted Kirsi. "They don't miss me that much." "Yes, they do!" Azalea peeked behind Sable. "If Sable also has a uniform, does she have a plug, too?" Caught off guard by the question, Sable stammered, "I, er, yes, all employees wear one." "She has a special one only the boss has a bell for," Kirsi snickered. Sable coughed. "We've spent enough time gabbing. Don't you have tables to attend to?" "Yes, I just got buzzed! Enjoy your evening, everyone!" She bowed before trotting to a far table. Sable led the company around the room's edge and to the base of a broad, curving stairway that led up to the second floor. "The balcony seating is for overflow or reserved for special guests and events." Jeni placed her wing on Devin's arms to steady herself as she hopped up the steps. He lauded the owl girl, "I haven't had a chance to see you really interact with anyone outside your shop. You've come a long way." She flapped her wings slightly at the compliment. "This one has been most appreciative of big sister Mavis' tutelage before going to the academy and of her fellow students for allowing the social interaction needed to communicate more effectively." Reaching the top of the carpeted stairs, Sable pushed open a small set of double doors and ushered everyone inside. A long, carpeted room stretching the length of the tavern formed a semi-circle at the far end. In the center, underneath, and behind the stained glass they had seen at the entrance, was a parrtly-curtained-off stage. Half-obscured in the dim light sat a woman in a white and blue gown, legs crossed and her talons idly clicking. She gracefully stood up and bowed. "Welcome, eagerly-awaited guests, to an evening you won't soon forget." Devin squinted. "Mavis?!" Sable crossed the room and lit the sconces on the wall. "Hello, little brother!" The smirking raven harpy crossed the room in three strides, embraced him in a light hug, and kissed him on the cheek. He hugged her back, glad she wasn't going for the mouth. "What are you doing here?" "I maybe should have mentioned I'm a major investor in your negotiations tonight." Devin frowned, "You are?" "I am. I have a lot riding on this, actually." "That's worrying." She looked serious for a moment. "Yes, but not entirely in a monetary way." Devin looked at her, puzzled. Mavis glanced over Devin's shoulder, "Jeni! Is that you?" Jeni peaked out from behind Reina. "Greetings, older sister Mavis." She pushed Devin aside, grabbed the fluffy owl, and spun her around, squeezing her tightly. "It's been too long! I'm so happy to see you!" Jeni hooted happily. "This one is also joyous at our much-delayed reunion." "You live in the same city. You should go see her more than once a year," Devin muttered. "But that's what you're for when I'm too busy, silly." "You know she loves you just as much as me." "Not entirely accurate, little brother. Look at this face." She held Jeni out in front of her, "This is the face of a girl who wants to join your harem." "Since when do I have a harem?" Devin challenged. "You have three girls with you. Surely, you have room for your childhood friend." "Um, " Suvi raised her hand. "I'm not really part of their, er, family." "You're not?" Mavis asked, surprised. "She was a guide I hired for the girls," Devin corrected. "And then she became a friend!" piped in Azalea. "Well, a friend is just a wife you haven't gotten together with yet." Devin blinked several times, trying to unravel her logic. "In any case, since you only have two, now you have no excuse," Mavis declared while leering at him. Jeni, still being displayed like an auctioned item, spun her head backward to look at Mavis. "This one is currently involved in a joint venture with Young Patron in the hopes he will see the benefits one day of being this one's nestmate." "See Devin? Don't let all this girl's effort go to waste." Devin sighed. "Can we shelve this for the moment? Don't we have important business to conduct tonight? Speaking of, where is the other party?" "Everyone's here." "Eh?" "I am the other party." Devin stared at the smug harpy. "I'm also the owner of this restaurant." Devin's expression changed to dumbfounded. "Oh dear, Reina, you should help Devin to his seat. He's looking a little unsteady. Come, come, please be seated while Devin comes to terms about my little surprise! I'll sit here on the far left, Jeni can sit next to me, and you, my dear, ?" "Suvi." "Suvi can sit in the middle with Devin. Reina should sit on the far right, and Azalea can sit anywhere." Suvi sat down. "Are we going to watch a play while we eat?" "Not exactly, but it is what makes our little establishment unique, as you'll see shortly." Devin, finally collecting his thoughts, thanked Reina for her momentary care. He took a deep breath, "Mavis, can you please answer a few questions plainly and simply?" "I will," she said, amused. "Just to make sure I didn't mishear, you're the mysterious person who arranged this meeting so you could negotiate with me to be a long-distance liaison with an unknown person that I need to find?" "Yes." "And you just so happen to be the owner of this expensive-looking restaurant for I don't know how many years." "Correct. Mine in every sense of the word: originator of the idea, negotiator for the land, designer, and purchaser of the building materials. The only thing I didn't do was actually build it, though I did lay the first brick and hammer the first nail as symbolic gestures." Devin looked at Sable. "What Miss Mavis says is all correct," she verified Devin slumped back in his chair. "Why do you enjoy shocking me with stuff like this?" "Precisely because you're the type of person who likes to know everything beforehand, and that's no fun! I was planning on telling you someday. I was waiting for the right opportunity." The harpy justified. Suvi put a hand on Devin's shoulder. "Given the rumors I've heard, it could have been a worse surprise." Mavis, in an overly-dramatic gesture, raised her wings, "ah yes, the rumors, given shape by overactive imaginations and our exclusivity. Orgies? Debauchery? Rich old men bathing in breast milk while virgins feed them grapes and lick honey off their bodies? Or are you referring to a place where mothers and daughters of the affluent come to get gangbanged by well-endowed demi-humans?" "Uh, I guess they were along those lines," Suvi tentatively spoke. Mavis snorted. "I can assure you, nothing even remotely like that has or ever will occur here." "I want honey licked off my body," whispered Azalea. Devin shushed her with a glance. "Although, as I hinted to Suvi about, this is what we are best known for, " Sable rang her master chime. The curtain parted. On the platform were three similarly-clothed barmaids. Their dresses had been replaced with short skirts hugging and barely covering their hips. Tiny white aprons did their best to cover their fronts. They were each lined up in front of their matching statuary counterpart in front of another fountain. The most eye-catching of the three was a wolf girl with attentive ears, a bushy tail, and a little fang sticking out of her mouth. The chiseled facsimile behind her was squatting with knees splayed, a smug smile upon her lips, daring all to watch her pee into the pool below. "Didn't imagine they could get more outlandish than the fountain downstairs," Suvi murmured to Azalea. The wolf girl stepped forward, "Good ev'en, honored guests. Your host would like ta thank'ya for accepting her invitation to dine with us. This evening, we have been asked to be your exclusive servers to provide you with an experience of such quality you won't find anywhere else in the northern realm! Allow me to introduce your hostess', starting with myself." The wolf girl took another step forward. "My name is Eeva -- eager to serve and ready to please my alphas, that being you folk, and I'm supposed to tell you something about myself. Well, I suppose I like to wrestle with this pint-sized goblin here." She motioned to the green woman seated to her right." The she-goblin uncrossed her legs and stood up. "And by wrestle, she means having me pin her down and bully her." "She exaggerates! She couldn't pin clothes to a line," Eeva retorted. "Said the girl who denies getting turned on when her face ends up underneath this thick goblin ass!" The she-goblin jumped up, pulled Eeva back and took her place. "Hey, all! Name's Truulté Gress, or shortstuff, or sexy, or cutie. I'll respond to most anything. I'm the resident shortstack. Second-oldest employee after the housepet here. I love to serve people; in all kinds of ways. Especially when it comes to cuddling our cute, little snowshoe hare, " "Hallie!" interrupted Azalea. "Oh, you know each other?" Truulté asked, surprised. "Yes, we met earlier today at Mama Sanna's bakery for lunch." Hallie took a small step forward and bowed. "H, hello Azalea, everyone! I look forward to servicing you; I mean, serving you again!" "Oh ho?" Truulté sidled up to the taller girl. "What kind of service did you provide?" Did it involve bouncing with these strong bunny thighs or handling things with these squishy pawed feet?" She pushed Truulté away. "Not that kind!" "She did flash us," disclosed Azalea. "Ah, typical Hallie things." Truulté put an arm around the bunny girl's slim waist. "We treat her as the little sister in our cozy work family. She is so soft and warm and we often take work breaks to fluff her fur and stroke her ears. Hey, wanna hear a secret? If you feed her her favorite food, her ass twitches." "Truulté! That was a secret!" Hallie cried. "If you tell a secret, it's not a secret anymore," the goblin cackled. She flashed a sharp smile, her eyes lively at Hallie's embarrassment. "Maybe I should go get a carrot and show you." "Noooo!" "Relax! You know I only bully those I love. I wouldn't dream of making my fluffy bed cuddler sad." Eeva joined Truulté in hugging Hallie from behind. "And there you have it. That's all of us. Though, I should also introduce our girl-in-training." Sable reappeared from the kitchen with a disinterested deer girl adorned with a gaudy amount of jewelry. She approached and placed two small buckets of ice on the stage, seemingly more preoccupied with checking the state of her nails than introducing herself. Noticing all eyes on her, she rolled her eyes. "Name's Tuuli. Eighteen. I'm only here because my herd wants me to learn manners or work ethic or somethin'." "She's very bratty," snickered Truulté. "M'not a brat; and you're one to speak; walking around with lewd drawings all over your body!" "These are decorative displays of my marsh goblin heritage. My social status, skillset, and availability. It's common amongst all the tribes." "Hmph! Looks like a display board for a broth, " "Now, now," Eeva abruptly interjected. "Tuuli is staying with us for a time to gain valuable life experience. And hopefully a little maturity. She'll be assisting Hallie this evening if she runs dry." "Whatever. Can I assist her sooner? I'm about to burst," she sassed. Suvi regarded the deer-girls chest. Her meager sized breasts didn't look particularly full, or even lactating. After thinking a moment she swiftly glanced at the fountain again, and back to Tuuli's belly. With a hint of trepidation, "So, you don't only serve milk here?" "We were originally called 'The Thirsty Maiden,' Sable responded, 'but we changed it. Now it has a dual meaning. Most people think it stands for the gold-quality milk we offer, which you already saw we do serve. The girls' milk is rich and sweet and is our number one ordered thing. The second most ordered item would be the golden liquid these lovely young ladies are going to share with you tonight." Mavis smiled amidst the sudden silence. "We are going to drink their pee?" Azalea queried. Devin rubbed his forehead. "I should have guessed with you in charge there was bound to be something outlandish about this place. Dare I ask why, and what led to you coming up with, " Devin waved his hand toward the fountain. ", what these girls are offering?" "Of course you may. It's a bit of a funny story. It originally started as a joke. But maybe I should start at the beginning? Shortly after Jeni left for the academy and you became a full-time merchant, I felt a bit listless with you two gone. One day, during a walk through town, I overheard a group of girls complaining their milk bar wasn't giving them enough hours and their chests were sore with all the excess. It inspired me to try my own attempt at it since the city was offering incentives to start new businesses." Mavis placed her wing on Sable's arm. "Sable was my first hire." The weasel woman crossed her arms. "You kinda manipulated me into it." "'Manipulated' is such a strong word. I delicately tantalized her into saying yes."Mavis uncrossed and recrossed her legs. "You see, after I made the decision, I was headed to the administration building when I spotted Sable in an alley. Poor thing was a horny mess." "I could have handled myself." she huffed. "I believe you, but wasn't it so much easier getting to the sex shop with a supportive shoulder to lean on?" Mavis turned her attention back to Devin. "You might have heard before, but when weasel girls go into heat, it can actually be life-threatening if they don't mate after a period of time. Or at least make their body think they did. So, one dildo and thirty minutes of orgasm denial later, I was rewarded with a yes and she received an orgasm she has yet to forget." "What was I supposed to say in my condition?" "Mavis, I'm disappointed in you," Devin chastised. "It's alright, Mr. Ebonplume. What's done is done and I'm not actually mad. I wasn't in immediate danger, yet." "Still, " Mavis stroked Sable's hand affectionately. "I know I have many attributes that could use ; self-improvement, and I can be pushy at times. I hope I've gotten a little better?" She fluttered her eyes at her co-worker. "Your teasing nature could be toned down." "It's how I show my affection to those I care about. Just making sure you know I'm always available if you need my special touch. I don't want you to end up so needy, again. You are my closest friend, after all." Sable exhaled and squeezed Mavis' wing affectionately. "Anyway," Mavis continued, "we recruited Eeva shortly thereafter, and since then, the business took off, but it's hard to reach the top when you're like every other tavern. It was during our third year. We had two regulars who had come from another pub who were tipsy. I was drying glasses while they gushed to me about how pretty Sable and Eeva were, how much they enjoyed their milk, and the warm welcome they always received, etc., etc." "Lady Mavis, your placsh alwaysh provide the bwst milk and servish than anywhere else in the sshity." Mavis bowed her head. "You know we are just a humble establishment like any other. Though I'm happy we are able to please you." "No, iisssh true, other placises drinks taste like piss compared. In factsh, gives piss a bad name. I bet your girl's piss would taste better then what they offer." "It was meant to be a joke, obviously, but for an unknown reason that night, I kept thinking about what they said. I know a lot of demi-humans use urine for displaying their physical and social status -- basically advertising. So I thought, in the right situation, perhaps we could use it to advertise and enhance what no one has ever offered before. For humans, well, we probably wouldn't get many of them ordering unless they had a certain kink for it. But I don't mind a challenge, so we presented the idea to Eeva." Eeva rocked back and forth on her heels. "I thought the boss's idea was crazy, but if she wanted me to pee in a mug for customers, I didn't have a problem with it." Sable passed out utensils as she commented, "We wanted to keep our new drink category low-key, so we didn't display it on the front page of the menu. Several days passed before anyone even asked about it. We were sure the first customers to order it were going to be demi-humans. Imagine our surprise when it turned out to be two young human lads with too much bravado." "After explained what it was, they dared each other to try it. Coincidently, that just so happened to be a time when Eeva was in heat," Mavis chortled. "Mistake number one," laughed the wolfgirl. "While they themselves didn't notice, others did. Word quickly spread, and I had to swat down overtures all week. It was great for business, but with the wrong kind of advertising. Soon after, we hired Sanna to impose if the people got too pushy." Sable handed out white linen napkins. "It gained popularity, but Eeva's bladder can only hold so much, so Truulté was hired to meet demand." "I'm wondering, Mavis," Devin interrupted, "if this place was doing so well, why did you take the delivery job?" "Simple. I wasn't satisfied. I believed we had the potential to grow, and I wanted to push us into serving more upscale clients. I called a meeting after we closed one night, and together we hatched a two-step plan: form a partnership with import merchants and appeal to a new demographic of customers who might have an interest in more exotic fare. Clientele with too much money, willing to spend for the rare oddity or novelty." "The delivery business was only to establish the second part of the plan. I worked my way up to my current position to gain access to the upper echelons of society. You'd be surprised how far a little hint here or a little suggestion there to the right person will go when they are grateful to you for delivering their important things. "Once we had a wide selection of drinks on the menu and the clientele to support it, we introduced memberships and used the funds to renovate, allow the girls to live here, and reinvest into the business you see today." Devin looked down at the customers having a good time on the bottom floor. Typical Mavis -- capable and ambitious but with a tinge of reckless brazenness. She was the type of person who worked hard in the beginning so that later she could leave it in others' hands. "Well, dear brother? What do you think?" Devin looked up. "I'm still a bit overwhelmed by all of this. I don't know what to say." Eeva eyed Devin and Reina. She smiled predatorily and crouched down. "How about looking at the menu and telling me what you want to order for starters?" She flapped the poor excuse for an apron alluringly. "I'm sure you'll like at least one of our drinks. My bladder is full, and you have exclusive access to all of it tonight." Before Devin could make up his mind, Reina timidly raised her hand. "I, I would like to give it a try." "Excellent." She leaned back and stretched the apron taut. Pinned to the fabric was a small paper menu. "Depending on what drink you order, we have a categorized list of appetizers designed to match." Without missing a beat, she flipped the apron up, revealing her lack of undergarments. "On the back, we have the drinks available from me specifically. Of course, you're free to order from any of us. They come in three grades: grade one: light, grade two: middling, and grade three: strong." "If you just want to dip your toes in, I recommend grade one. Hallie's drinks tend to be sweeter. If you're feeling a little daring, you should go with grade two. Truulté has a pretty unique earthy flavor and is a bit more potent, but If you want the full experience, I suggest three. A deep, rich taste with plenty of me mixed in." "What determines the difference?" "Time. Grade one is easy, chug a bunch of water and wait about thirty minutes. Middling maybe an hour or two. Truulté and myself are usually the only ones who supply grade three because we can hold it for a long time. "I think I want to try the strongest." "Going all in! My kind of girl. And how bout you, sir? Dare to follow in her hoofsteps?" Devin looked at Reina. "She did offer to let me try her own once." "Oh? And didja?" "No, but; I guess it might be a bit rude, given all the work you put into setting this up. I'll try yours as well." "Perfect. So which one would ya like me to make ya's? Or do you want it straight and pure in a glass?" Devin ran his eyes down the menu. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dark 'n' Uriney grade 3 ginger beer Golden Honey Rye grade 3 rye honey syrup tangerine juice dash of bitters "Piss" co Sour grade 3 lime juice sugar syrup dash of bitters harpy egg white ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He tried focusing on the list of drinks but the closeness of her cunt and the smell of her musk was too distracting. She pushed her hips forward a little. "I don't mind you staring. It's part of the enjoyment. Unique, isn't it? Quite a bit different than most other demi-humans. Looks like a little triangular cookie, huh?" Devin looked to Reina. She was staring as much as he was. "It is quite a peculiar shape," agreed Devin. "Isn't it hard to not make a mess?" Asked Reina. "It was at first, but I've managed to make it work." "This 'Piss'co Sour looks interesting. I will try that. What about you, herd-mate?" "I'll have the same." Eeva wagged her tail. "And how would you like for me to pour'em?" Reina looked up questioningly. "What do you mean?" "Probably easier to demonstrate," suggested Sable. "Why don't you show your most requested way?" "Alright." Eeva took the tray Sable handed her and set it to the side. "Oh, I should probably add, these are nonalcoholic since many demi-humans have a hard time handling it." "I don't mind. I prefer my head to be clear during business negotiations." Devin confided as she set out two crystal glasses. She crushed ice into each glass and set them aside to chill. Then she unscrewed a metal mixer and separated the halves. Holding up a green fruit, she said, "Betcha never seen one of these!" Devin thought for a moment. "I can't say I have." Reina shook her head. "It's called a lime and comes all the way from the southern continent." She picked up a knife and gave it a spin. "Slice it in half, place it in a vice, and squeeze one ounce of juice out. Then we add half an ounce of simple syrup. Next, a harpy egg, laid just this morning." Devin glanced at Mavis. "No, it's not mine, but maybe it should have been," she smirked. "We place the yolk in a strainer and separate the egg white into the mix." Eeva dug out ice from a bucket and scooped it into the mixer. "I like using bigger chunks, so it whips up the egg well." "And lastly, the main ingredient." She got down on all fours, turned sideways, and lifted her leg. "Before, I used to make drinks in the kitchen, but customers requested to watch the whole process often enough I considered making it more exciting, experimenting with different positions to make a show of it." Running her fingers around the edge of her oddly-defined, plump lips, she splayed them, making sure everyone could see. Taking a deep breath, she relaxed her bladder. Her pee hole quivered as a steady stream arched into the glass. Eeva carefully crooked her finger, stroking a small protruding nub near the bottom; panting as the pressure in her bladder lessoned while the pleasure increased. With the two glasses nearly full, she clenched the stream, put her leg down, and wiped her fingers clean. After screwing on the mixer top, she shook the contents vigorously. "Then we pour it through another strainer into each glass and add a few drops of bitter. Kirsi suggested I drag the drops together to form small hearts, saying it looked cuter. And for the final touch," She slid her fingers between her folds and traced the rim of the glass with her arousal before serving it. "I usually only do this when I'm in heat -- when my pheromones are strongest. Drives the demi-boys crazy. I hope you don't mind." "Not at all." Reina seemed to be more into this than Devin felt, but in the spirit of the moment, they clinked their classes and took a sip. Reina nodded her approval. "I am quite taken by the silky tartness of it. I am inclined to try one in every grade now." Eeva's tail wagged happily. "Told ya you'd like it!" "I have to admit, it's surprisingly good." Devin agreed. "Never tasted these combinations of; flavors before." "I'm proud of our girls and their mixology skills," Mavis effused. "Would you like to try one, Jeni?" "This one's curiosity is piqued, older sister Mavis. This one would like to try Truulté's." "Of course, little bird." The she-goblin flipped up her apron. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wee Sting grade 2 spoon of runny honey pressed apple juice splash of ginger ale lime or apple garnish ice Cosmo"pee"litan grade 2 lemonade cranberry juice syrup squeezed lemon ice Mo"wee"to grade 2 sugar syrup soda mint leaves ice ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jeni bobbed her head as she read her options. "This one would like to try the cosmo'pee'litan." "Exquisite choice, and I have a fun way to 'pour' it! Let's move things out of the way so I don't knock them over, and roll over onto my back. Place this here, and; up we go." She raised her hips pulling her short legs over her head. Running a finger across her pee hole, she pressed down on her bladder with her thumbs. With her satisfied exhale, her golden stream arced up, landing in the container perched between her breasts." Jeni clapped her wings. "This one is impressed with your flexibility and coordination. Would it be impolite to compliment the orderliness of your genitals?" Truulté laughed. "Not a compliment I've received before but thank you. You must not have seen too many naked girls. This snatch aint dainty, but I've been told many times I'm fun to eat, and to that end, I keep myself as smooth as can be." Patting herself dry, she righted herself, arranged the tray before Jeni, and held up an orange and yellow fruit. Jeni thought for a moment. "This one would guess they are limes but different colors?" "Close. They are all within the same family of sour-flavored fruits. This yellow one is a lemon, and this is an orange. Not the most original name but tastier to eat alone." She squeezed the fruits' juices into the cocktail. "The lemon is used in many of our other drinks. The orange brings more sweetness." Adding premade cranberry juice with lime juice, she shook the contents before finishing with crushed ice. Pouring the mixture into a shallow glass, she garnished the edge with a wedge of lime and served it. "Here you are! A refreshingly tangy, sweet drink with a delightful pink color." Jeni brought the drink to her lips. Her face scrunched at the un-used to acidity. "It has exceeded this one's estimation and this one is pleased. Thank you." Truulté placed her hand over her bladder. "Plenty left if you want more." Azalea poked Suvi. "Are you going to try one?" "I'm not, er, that adventurous. I think I'll just order milk if that's ok." Looking at Mavis. "Of course it is." Mavie assured. "Ask Hallie for her milk," encouraged Azalea. Suvi eyed Hallie's perky chest. "You certainly enjoyed it at the bakery. I suppose I should give it a try?" Hallie knelt down, gingerly squeezed her milk into a glass, and served it. "I hope you enjoy." "Well?" queried Azalea. "Creamy and warm." Hallie fidgeted. "I'm glad you like it." "And which drink would you like, Azalea?" the bunny girl asked, raising her apron. The thirsty fairy took a moment to admire the well defined and neatly closed, pink bunny puss for the second time that day. She made a mental note to sketch it in her notebook and wished it was on the menu. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pee Daiquiri grade 1 lemon/lime soda lemon juice pinch of sugar Ice cubes "Pee"na Colada grade 1 coconut juice pineapple juice pineapple wedges crushed ice Urineade grade 1 lemonade ice ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "This is a kink i've never dabbled in and and I don't know what most of these ingredients are, but let's give the 'pee'na colada a try." "Good choice. It's my personal favorite. It especially tastes good in summer. Unfortunately, I don't have a special pouring method. I'm not good at controlling it." "No need to feel bad. I'm not either." "Then, if you'll allow me," Hallie faced away and squatted in front of the expectant fae. Running her hands down her sides, they met between her legs where she spread herself. "Ca, can you see?" "Every part! Your cunt's so cute. Hallie's puff-ball tail twitched as she filled the mixer. Azalea unconsciously licked her lips as she watched the clear and water-like stream. "I'm curious, Hallie. You seem so shy, what made you take up this job?" "I, I like to be helpful, even if it is embarrassing." The flow abated with a few final drops. Wiping her hands, she turned around and took two of the strangest fruits Azalea had ever seen. "What are those? Are they edible?" "Of course they are. This one's a coconut. It's a pain to open, but the milky sap inside is worth it." She took an awl, placed it against the eye hole at one end and tapped the other end with a mallet. Then she poured the contents into the mix. "Can you do what Eeva did at the end?" Hallie blushed hard. "I, I, no one has ever asked me before. I, I'm not wet enough, so I don't think, " "Sure she can," said Eeva, volunteering Hallie. "The customer gets what the customer wants if it's reasonable. Come on, lass, you can do it. Just like all those nights we cuddle together." The taller wolf girl embraced her friend from behind and stroked the fluff around her neck as her other hand wound down between her legs. "Super easy for her. Eeva's fingers worked to coax the slippery sweetness from the panting bunny girl. Just have to stir up her little bunny pot. See what I did there? No. Ok, bad puns aside, want to hear another little secret about Hallie? Careful when putting your head between her thighs. When she climaxes, it's like a vice. Nearly took my head off." Hallie flushed a deeper shade of red. Between having her embarrassing idiosyncrasies exposed and Hallie's skilled digits burrowing through her crotch, she leaned into Eeva's body and resigned herself to the pleasure. With the squelching sounds getting louder, Eeva removed her hand. "That should be enough." She pulled her hand away from Hallie, feeling her thighs clenching around her hand, reluctant at the absence. "I'll finish you off later tonight if you want." She whispered. She held up the viscid lubricant clinging between her fingers, tracing it around the rim of the glass. "Here you are Azalea. Sorry, we don't have a smaller glass. You are our first fairy customer ever." "I am? I'm honored, and it's alright. I can tilt it." She brought her head down, inhaling Hallie's scent as she took a sip. Another drink followed, and then another. Her wings fluttered as she swallowed the syrupy fruit drink. "This is delicious! You should try it, life-mate! Reina!" Devin took her glass and tried it before handing it to Reina. "It definitely seems like your type of drink." ------- The rest of the meal passed with several more drinks complimented by decoratively arranged plates of hors d'oeuvres and finger foods. Sufficiently full, Devin leaned back in his chair. "Thank you for dinner, Mavis." "Yes, thank you," came several other voices. "And for the girls making tonight lots of fun," Azalea added. "You are most welcome. It was our pleasure," answered Eeva. "If you need anything else, please don't hesitate to buzz us." The barmaids gathered the empty dishes and left the room. "Now, let's hear what commission my older sister went to so much work to set up." Suvi stood up. "I'm going to take this opportunity to leave early. This doesn't concern me, and there is someone I need to check on to make sure they are ok. Before I go, Miss Ebonplume, are you perchance hiring any more girls?" "Are you wanting to work here?" "I need a more stable job." "I'm sure Sable can find something for you to do, although we have no rooms available." "I don't mind commuting." "Come on in the day after tomorrow, and Sable will set you up." "Thank you, I'll be here! And thank you for the, interesting evening!" With a wave of her tail, she left. Mavis began to preen her feathers pretending not to see Devin awaiting her reply, "Instead of telling you what this job entails, it'll be more fun to let you experience what I need you to find." Mavis rang her private bell, summoning Sable with a singular drink on a tray. She placed it in front of Devin and took her position behind Mavis. A profoundly floral scent emanated from a golden liquid. "It's not one of the girls' drinks; in case you're wondering." Devin held the warm mug to his lips and took a sip. He was instantly surprised by the explosion of sweet, mellow flavor. "Can you name the ingredient?" "Honey?" "Yes! But not just any honey; bee girl honey." "Impossible. No one's seen a bee-girl in the north for generations." "Precisely. Because of its scarcity and cost, we could only offer it to customers at a very high price. A little goes a long way, but you are drinking the last of it. I've had several individuals attest to its authenticity, and they are offering a significant amount of vol to acquire more." "You know I mainly transport goods already available. I have no experience with searching out new markets. If you're asking me, then I'm guessing you have an idea where to get more." "Yes, but the only lead we have is that it was bought from another merchant, who bought it from a different merchant, outside the country." Devin passed it for the girls to try. "I've never been outside our borders before. I've always wanted to visit the southern kingdom." "Unfortunately our contact is not there." He sat up. "I hope you're not suggesting I sneak across the border to the middle kingdom. "You wouldn't be sneaking." "his mind sifting through all the information he knew about their neighbor. "Method aside, you want me to find a nearly impossible commodity in a country that is not, to mockingly put it, on amicable terms with ours?" "Relations are a bit icy, yes." "And for good reason. Raiding your neighbor's population doesn't help make friends. Frankly, I'm a little disturbed you would even consider this given their treatment of demi-humans." "Yes, I am fully aware their society runs on conscripted labor." "Slave labor you mean. What about Reina and Azalea's safety?" "No one would bother them. With the right paperwork anyone would just think they were your slaves." "I refuse to even pretend they are my slaves." "I think you should take the offer, herd-mate." "Reina, you should know as much as I do, maybe even more, considering your first hand experience. Even after the trauma you suffered, you still want to go? She gave an ernest look. "I will ultimately abide by your wishes, but yes, I do." Devin frowned. He ventured a guess what Reina's motivation was. She was probably hoping she might run into her sister. He'd ask her later to make certain. "And how do you feel about all this, Azalea?" "She kissed the back of his hand. "I'm already a slave to your love life-mate. I'll go where you go. I trust your judgment." "I don't think you understand what we'd be getting ourselves into." "Reina wants to go and that's good enough for me." Devin looked down and ticked off different ideas on his fingers as he thought of them. Personal reasons aside, there are numerous logistical concerns. We'd need to convert all the money we'd use. Do we even know the exchange rate of the Zingar? Not to mention enough provisions for a five week trip, one way, and assemble spare parts in case the wagon breaks down. Will we even make it through the mountains before the snow gets too deep? I was planning to convert my wagon into a sleigh for snow travel but I'm skeptical it'd survive such a brutal trip over the pass?" "I wouldn't be sending you three alone." Said Mavis, interrupting his calculations. "You'd be going with an experienced group of individuals who've made the journey before. They'll assemble the bulk of provisions you'll need. They also have a friend halfway between here and the capital you'll be stopping at. We'll dispatch someone to inquire as to the conditions. And your guild membership should offer you some immunity. There's a branch office in the capital, isn't there? You'll just need to acquire visas and the proper documentation. We are not at war and technically, you are not doing anything illegal. It's not a lawless country. You're just going to inquire of information, discreetly." "Our milk money can go to help buy or build a new wagon life-mate. I'm sure we can find someone who'd pay a lot for a rare and delicious delicacy as these two lovelies will be producing." She pushed her breasts together. All eyes were on him as he processed all the information. Even Sable was peeking out from the door to the downstairs kitchen curious what'd he decide. "I won't believe you're doing it just for the money or merely fulfilling your patrons desire for a rare ingredient, Mavis. Are there other reasons? Mavis tensed, hoping he wouldn't guide the conversation back to her. "Aside from some personal reasons. I'd hoped if you found the producer, you could buy her freedom. Or if she's hiding out, entice her to come back with you." "I'll make a note of it. And what are your personal reasons?" "They aren't important. Just trivial feelings." He folded his arms. "Devin wasn't going to agree to anything till he knew every single detail. She locked eyes with Reina, hoping she would pick up on her hesitation to speak plainly." Reina, guessing she wanted some privacy alone with Devin, abruptly stood up. "We've drunk a lot tonight. If you would excuse us, Jeni, Azalea, and I need to visit the outhouse. We'll be right back." "But I don't need to pee." "Yes, you do." Reina plucked Azalea from the table and took Jeni's wing. Jeni, quicker on the uptake but slow on the reason, stumbled to her feet., "Is this the bonding ritual girls engage in when visiting the lavatory?" "I'll tell you later," she whispered as they left Devin and Mavis alone. Devin watched them exit. He didn't need his merchant sense to pick up on what just happened. Whatever reasons Mavis was hiding was obviously for his ears only. "Alright, just us dear sister. Let's hear it. Based on the expression you let slip in your office, I'm guessing it's something you didn't want me to know about in the first place." "No. I told you it's just silly feelings that shouldn't interfere with business." "So it's about me? Not to sound self-centered but a lot of stronger feelings you have are usually about me." Mavis stopped preening. The soft murmur of voices and muffle of clinking glasses became audible as Mavis held the silence. I'm just scared you won't come back." "That's it? That's your big reason." "Pretty much." "I was torn between offering you a lucrative adventure and feeling responsible for you." "You know I'm an adult right?" Devin relaxed. "For crying out loud Mavis. Why must you be so melodramatic? Why didn't you just say that. You had me concerned it was some big thing." "I don't like anyone, especially you seeing me unsure of myself and vulnerable." "I don't know how you got it in your head but i would never think less of you." When you first moved in with us, I told myself I needed to be the big dependable older sister who you'd look up to and help you take flight." "So the real reason you check in with me all the time flying your routes, ?" "To make sure you're safe and checking if you need anything."I'm sorry I'm such a clingy, flirty big sister." "Why don't you find some male harpy." "Don't you even dare suggest such a thing. You're all I need." She fluttered her eyes at him and laughed. Devin wasn't sure if she was teasing him again or not. Either way, she was providing him with a chance at breaking well out of his norm. "If I'm successful, I'll have quite the tale to tell when I return." "Does that mean you'll say yes?!" "A tentative yes. There is still the issue about a new wagon. "We're back!" announced Azalea. "Are we interrupting?" "No, I only needed to clear up a few misconceptions. Where's Jeni?" replied Mavis. Reina placed two drinks in front of Devin. "She's downstairs filling out a membership form." "What's this? Two drinks we haven't tried yet?" Devin inquired while reaching for one of the glasses. "Yes! Compliments from us, life-mate!" "You and Reina, ?" "Uh-huh!" One was light, almost like water, with a wedge of lemon on the rim. The other was darker in color. Azlea had her hands together in barely suppressed, excited expectation. "Tart with a familiar sugariness. You made this, didn't you?" Devin asked Azalea after taking a sip. "I did. Do you like it? I actually did have to pee shortly after we left. Eeva suggested I try making the urineade as a surprise." "So this must be Reina's then." "Dark 'n' Uriney. I know you declined my first offer, maybe with some added ingredients you'll be more inclined to try it." Reina offered. "It's made from ginger beer and myself." "That aspect of your culture is important to you isn't it?" "It makes me happy to do all I can to share myself with you, in every way." "I thank you for thinking of me," he praised. He sipped to bitter draught. "It's flavorful. I still don't know if I could handle it raw." "I understand. Reina returned to her seat. "Have you finished making plans for our trip?" Azalea landed on the table and sipped Reina's drink. "Yes, are we going life-mate? To satisfy our craving for adventure and profit?" "Profit is only valuable if you're free and able to use it, and you, Reina; you hope to find your sister, don't you?" "Yes." "Mavis, this group we are going with, how many times have they, " "Spy? Sneak? Clandestinely infiltrate? This will be their fourth. They are made up of a mix of humans and demi-humans. I can't disclose which of their group is going till the day they leave." "So I guess we are all in agreement?" Devin questioned his ladies. "I would have tried to persuade you if you had said no, herd-mate." "Well, regardless, before any of that, we have to make a run to Merport to fulfill that order for Jeni. We should be ready in a week or two." Mavis stood up and responded to Devin, "That works! They need time to prepare, as do you, I'm sure. Since you are doing this in winter, it will be harder to get there, but since you have Reina, it should be doable. When you return from Merport, I'd like for you to come back and meet them." "I'll send a notice when we do." Mavis embraced both girls and Devin. "Thank you for doing this. Let's just hope this venture proves successful." Mavis led them down the stairs and toward the front entrance. At the doors, Jeni placed her stamp on a document and handed it to Sable. "This one has found the older sister Mavis' establishment's services to be conducive to relaxation and useful in social improvement and wishes to frequent this place." He lightly ruffled the feathers on her head. "I will be comforted to see you getting out of your lab more frequently." She happily pushed her head into his hand. Mavis held the door open. "We'll see you in two weeks then!" "I'll bring the coach around," offered Sable. Devin shook his foot, which had fallen asleep while they were seated. "Actually, if you don't mi

Author's note: I've got a pivotal chapter for you this month, readers, with some big revelations, and a plot point based on a mechanic from the Pokemon games, but hey, this is Fantasy, so let's not talk too much about that second thing…Previously on Saga of the Jewels…Seventeen year old RYN's hometown is attacked by General VORR of the Empire and everyone he has ever known is killed. Just before Ryn's father dies, he gives Ryn a ruby which causes him to project fire. Ryn is captured by the Empire and meets another captive, Princess NUTHEA, who has the ability to project lightning. Nuthea explains to him that the Empire have learned of the existence of twelve Primeval Jewels which grant the ability to manipulate different elements, and are searching for them. The Imperial vessel where they are being held is in turn attacked by a pirate airship, and the pirates capture Ryn and Nuthea. The lead pirate, Captain SAGAR, agrees to escort Nuthea back to her homeland, and to spare Ryn's life, in exchange for the promise of gold, gemstones and beautiful women upon her safe delivery. They land in the port city of Ast and recruit an engineer called ELRANN. Ast is then attacked by the Empire, who are using the Fire Ruby to invade the continent and search for more of the Jewels. Ryn, Nuthea, Sagar and Elrann flee the city together, but are then attacked by a bounty hunter, VISH. They manage to subdue the bounty hunter but Nuthea is gravely wounded in the process. Ryn beats Sagar to the hunter's mount and rushes Nuthea to the nearest town where he finds a healer, CID, a mysterious old man who saves the princess's life with his arts and asks to join the traveling party, saying that he believes it is the purpose of ‘the One', the god that he and Nuthea each worship. On leaving the town the party is pursued by an enormous dog-like monster driven by a troop of Imperial soldiers. The party manage to escape with the help of Vish, who fights on their side in exchange for Cid supplying his poppy-seed habit. Cid reveals that he was once a member of another adventuring party who set out to find the twelve Primeval Jewels, but failed. The party press on the capital city of Sirra, where they ambush some Imperial soldiers and steal their uniforms in order to sneak onto a sleeper train bound for Nuthea's homeland. They make it aboard successfully, but then Ryn gives them away when he comes face to face with General Vorr on the train and is unable to prevent himself from attacking him. The party are thus forced to escape from the train by leaping into a river it is passing…Cold constricting around his chest. Rushing noise filling his ears. Current pulling him along, fast. Nuthea's hand gone. White spray everywhere, vision obscured by water, white spray again. A mouthful of water. Another. Get me out of this water! I hate water! A gulp of air, by sheer chance, enough to keep fighting a few moments longer. Being dragged downwards by the weight of the armour. Frantically kicking his legs and flailing his arms around to try to prevent the downwards drag. Panic. Not knowing how to swim.A scrap of sound.“--he is! Help him out, now!”A hand grabbed Ryn by the arm and yanked hard against the direction the current was taking him.Pain flared in his shoulder and he thought his arm might pop out of its socket, but Ryn cooperated with the hand and tried to pull himself in the direction it tugged him all the same, to reach round with his other hand...Another hand found his other arm, and pulled.And then he was up and out of the rushing water, being hauled onto a grassy riverbank by Sagar and Elrann.They released him and he fell to the grass with a thwap, landing face-down. He tasted soggy earth. He never thought the taste of it could be so sweet.“--stupid pup!” Sagar was saying. “Why didn't you tell us you couldn't swim?”“Yeah, farmboy!” Elrann joined in. “Why shouldn't you be able to swim? It's not like there aren't any rivers or lakes in Efstan! It doesn't make any sense!” Ryn raised his head. Like him, they were completely soaked. Sagar's hair hung like curtains over both his eyes and his ponytail stuck limply to his neck. Elrann looked like more of a typical girl for once, her purple hair seeming much longer than usual when wet and plastered to the back of her head.Ryn ignored their jibes. He couldn't help himself from grinning at them, so glad was he still to be alive. “There wasn't really time to think it, let alone mention it, back there. And what can I say? For some reason I've always had this funny thing about water... Never been so keen on it...” Nuthea, he thought. “Nuthea!” he said, looking around frantically.“I'm here,” Nuthea called from further up the bank. Cid and Vish were with her too, all of them dripping wet.“Were we followed?” Ryn asked, standing up and surveying the river, the grass, the hills.“No,” said Cid. “I think we took the Imperials completely by surprise. The train carried them off before they had a chance to react. Even if they stop it and back up, that will still take quite a long time. And as soon as they leave the tracks they won't be able to travel any faster than us, since they don't have any alternative means of transport, as far as we know. But all the same, we should get as far away from here as we can as quickly as possible, just in case.”“You are correct in that,” said Vish. “They did not follow immediately, but they may still try to. And they had Elpis with them. You should get moving.”They trudged up the riverbank together. A light breeze blew cold against their wet bodies, chilling their clothes inside the Imperial armour they still wore, and a shiver ran up Ryn's spine. Before they had jumped from it, the train had been wending its way through a green, grassy, hilly country in which they now found themselves. They traipsed to the top of the nearest hill to get their bearings. The sun was still climbing in the bright blue sky, and West, in the direction it was heading, the hills stretched out as far as they could see. In the East, the hills grew to snow-capped mountains. “Does anyone know where in Mid we are?” said Ryn.“We're in Zerlan!” exclaimed Elrann at exactly the same time. “I'd recognise those mountains anywhere! We must be in the foothills of the Pelna mountains, which border Imfis and Manolia!”“That would make sense,” said Cid sagely, nodding. “The train would have had to go through the mountains on the border to get into Manolia, and would pass through Zerlan briefly just before it got there.”“Look!” said Nuthea, pointing. Over the hills, in the East, close to the mountains, its source obscured by one of the larger hills in that direction, was an unmistakable plume of steam, its tail getting slowly further and further away from them.“They haven't turned back,” said Nuthea.“Of course not,” said Vish. “You are merely an irritation to them, not a distraction worth diverting their whole course for.” He still says ‘you', not ‘we', Ryn noted. “Though you should not assume anything. They may still have sent someone after you.”“Like that Lady Shadowfinger?” said Nuthea. “‘Elpis'?”“Perhaps.”“We really should keep moving then,” said Ryn, beating Sagar to it, who closed his mouth and frowned.“Which way?” said Elrann.“Towards Manolia, of course,” said Nuthea.This time Sagar got there first. “But we'll never catch up to that train now--they'll beat us there, princess, and invade before we can arrive to warn them.”“Not necessarily…” said Nuthea.They all looked at her standing sopping wet at the top of the hill.She bit her lip. Once again Ryn got the distinct impression that she knew more than she was letting on.“Alright,” said Sagar exasperatedly, “come on, princess--give up the goods. What are you not telling us?”“I--” started Nuthea.“She can tell you while you are moving,” said Vish, his grey eyes scanning the hills. He began to walk, and everyone followed, except--“HOLD ON!” yelled Elrann.They all stopped and looked round at her. Her cheeks had turned nearly as purple as her hair. Nearly.“You should not shout so loudly, girl…” hissed Vish.“Aw, hush up, bountyhunter. If anyone sneaks up on us I'll just shoot them like I shot you. What nobody seems to have remembered is that while we may still have our weapons and our lives, thank Yntrik, we've all lost our packs. It looks like a good day or two's hike to those mountains, and then we have to get through them, and I for one ain't too sure our wilderness survival skills are up to a high enough standard to get us through all a'that without any supplies. I say we head to a Zerlanese settlement first and get stocked up--hopefully none of you were so dumb as not to keep your coin about your persons, like I did. I reckon I'm familiar enough with this part of the country that I could sniff out a town out for us, sooner or later.”“Um, it's not entirely true that none of us have any supplies...” said Cid, swinging his satchel around to the front of him by its strap. “I managed to keep hold of this during our escape, and as well my healer's provisions it has a little food. I've checked it, and since it was sealed up the contents are all dry and intact, despite our little swim.”The twitch in Vish's face did not escape Ryn's notice.       Cid pulled some waybread, salt beef and a bit of cheese out of his bag. His eyes roved round the group. “Did anyone else manage to hold on to anything?”Nobody volunteered. They all seemed, indeed, to have lost their packs and supplies during the chaos aboard the train. “Ah,” said Cid.A strong pang of guilt went through Ryn's stomach. But it was soon swallowed up by hatred as he remembered what had led him to reveal himself on the train. Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. “Well, that settles it, then,” said Elrann. “Instead of South-East, we first go North to find a Zerlanese settlement to restock. Princess-girl can explain why we're not in a rush after all on the way.”Nuthea's mouth dropped open. “I never said that we were not still in a rush. I just said we were not in as much of a rush as you might think. I want to carry on in the direction of Manolia--”“Princess!” Sagar snapped. “There is no way we can make it through those mountains with just a bit of bread and salted meat! Not even just the two of us could manage that! You've employed me to do a job, but I can only do it and deliver you safely to Manolia if you are still alive!”Nuthea opened her mouth again, but then something flickered in her eyes and she went tight-lipped. “Hmph,” she said. For once, she had backed down. Even she seemed to see the sense in what Elrann and Sagar were saying.Ryn was torn, though. Vorr was heading South-East, not North. At the same time, he thought, he needed to stay alive as well in order to be able eventually to get to Vorr and kill him. And he still wasn't strong enough--if nothing else, their most recent confrontation had shown him that. He needed to train more on the way, to get stronger, to get better with his sword. And maybe it was the shock of what had just happened, maybe it was the cold water, but now he began to doubt seriously for the first time whether he would ever be able to kill Vorr. The man was just too strong. Too powerful. He shook his head. No. Don't think like that. You will get strong enough to kill him. Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea...Ryn blinked. By the time he had finished thinking all of this, the others had already walked off down the hill. He ran to catch up with them.As he ran, he tripped over his feet, stumbled a few paces, then lost his balance completely and fell. He twisted his body round to cushion himself against the impact on his side, but the hill was so steep that he rolled down it, turning over several times. He crashed into Sagar from behind, taking the skypirate's legs out from underneath him, before managing to put his hands out and scramble to hold onto the grass, raking the earth with his fingernails to come to a stop at last.Sagar was on him at once, flipping him onto his back, kneeling on his arms, cutlass drawn already, holding the blade to Ryn's throat.  “You stupid pup!” Sagar yelled, his face red with fury, spittle flying from his mouth and dampening Ryn's cheeks. “What in the seventeen hells do you think you're doing? It's your fault we got into this mess in the first place! Because you couldn't control yourself when you saw that Imperial general! I told you before that if you ever pulled something like yanking me off that chocobo again I would end you, and this comes godsdamn close! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't slit your throat right now!”The others were yelling at Sagar to get off him, but Ryn couldn't hear them properly. All of his attention was taken up by the curved, glinting blade pressing at his adam's apple.He had been in this position before. He was trying to remember how to get out of it...“I…” Ryn croaked. “I'm... sorry, Sagar… I…”Something inside him lit. He had had enough of this.This time he felt his eyes catch alight, and the whole of his vision--from the shining cutlass blade to Sagar's sneering face--turned red and orange, transfigured by fire.He didn't know how to project the flames from his eyes.Instead, as the heat rose up through his chest, Ryn realised he was about to repeat something that he had learned to do back on the train.“FIRE!” Ryn roared, and flames leapt from his mouth straight into Sagar's face.The skypirate screamed and leapt backwards, dropping his cutlass and clutching at his face. He kept screaming as Ryn got to his feet, still hot with anger and seeing red.The screams turned into “You b*****d! You b*****d! You burned me!”Sagar took his hands away from his face. Ryn couldn't completely tell in his fire vision, but it looked scorched, darker than usual. Nothing Cid can't heal, I'm sure.The whole of Ryn was on fire again. He threw a fireball at Sagar--just a small one, not big enough to seriously harm him, just burn him a bit more.Sagar saw or felt it coming and brought his hand across his body, making a movement as if to bat the fireball away. A rush of wind issued from his hand, blowing the fire to one side and causing it to dissipate into the air.That only renewed Ryn's rage. He chucked another fireball at Sagar, no longer caring how big it was, then another and another.Sagar blocked each one with his air projection, fanning them away in gusting flickers. But only barely.On his scorched face, the skypirate's singed brows tipped back above widened eyes and his jaw went slack. That's right, thought Ryn. Make him scared. Make him pay. Make him stop bullying me.“Boltaaaaarrrrraaaa!” someone shouted.A stab of shock lanced through Ryn. The pain entered at his back, but in an instant spread to every point in his body. He cried out.The pain passed, but before Ryn knew it he had lost his concentration, and his fire vision and aura were gone, steam hissing up from him.What the hell?“You both stop this at once!” someone was saying in a raised voice behind him.Ah. Nuthea. “I've had just about enough of this, from the pair of you!” Nuthea carried on. She lightninged me. She actually lightninged me. He turned round to listen to the rest of his telling off.Nuthea was shaking with fury and her eyes had doubled in size. “I can't believe you! I've got a highly important mission to carry out and the two of you can't stop squabbling! We'll never make it to Manolia if we kill each other first! You both need to just grow up!”Ryn crossed his arms. “He started it,” was all that he could say after a moment. He knew it sounded childish but he was still smarting from being briefly electrocuted by Nuthea and it was the best he could come up with at short notice.“Well, I finished it. Now apologise to each other, both of you.”From the way that Sagar was sitting on the ground, Ryn guessed Nuthea must have hit him with the lightning as well. His face was back to normal. Cid knelt next to him, tight-lipped with disappointment, so the healer must have taken care of it.Their eyes met, and Sagar scowled, flashing anger at Ryn. But, Ryn realised, it was no longer the scowl of a superior. It was the scowl of an equal.At least he had achieved something. He probably should apologise for burning the guy's face though. At least to make Nuthea happy.“Sorry, Sagar...” Ryn said.A long moment passed as they held each other's gaze. Rage seemed to jostle with obligation in Sagar's brown eyes.Eventually Sagar looked away and mumbled something completely inaudible.“What was that?” asked Ryn.“I said...rrrrrrsry.”“Pardon?”“SORRY!” Sagar shouted. “There! Are you satisfied now, princess?”“Reasonably,” said Nuthea. “Now come on, both of you, everyone. We have places to be.”“This travelling party is a joke,” said Sagar as they began to climb another hill in a direction that Elrann indicated. “You're right, princess, we'll have all killed each other before we have a chance to get back to your homeland.”“Oh, I wouldn't be too hard on us,” said Cid. Disappointed, but still optimistic, then. “We did just manage to elude the grasp of practically an entire Imperial battalion and several Morekemian officers together, in spite of the circumstances. That is no small achievement, and took a great amount of both teamwork and skill.” Ryn's shoulders eased a bit and his spirit rose at that. When you put it like that, things didn't seem so bad. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea. Even if she had just hit him with a lightning bolt. He was surprised that he hadn't been more lastingly hurt by that. There had been a brief shock of pain, but then he had been fine. He hadn't even needed Cid to heal him, like Sagar had. He wondered why that was. Was she able to control the strength of her attacks? Nothing she had said before had seemed to indicate that… Though if she was, why had she hit Sagar harder than him?Really, there were other things more pressing on his mind.“So Nuthea,” he said, “can you explain to us why we're not in so much of a rush to get to Manolia any more?”“Yeah,” joined in Elrann. “What gives, princess-girl? For ages you're all like”--she put on a refined voice in mock imitation of Nuthea--“‘I must return to my homeland to warn my people of what the Emperor has learned', then all of a sudden now that we're nearly there, you don't seem so bothered. What gives?”Nuthea took a while to reply, and for a moment they were walking only to the sound of their own grunting and panting as they made their way up the hill. But eventually she broke her silence.“As you know, we are currently in Zerlan, though very close to the border of both Imfis and Manolia, in the Pelnian mountains.” Of course she was going to tell them through a lecture. “Just beyond the mountains, in the Iflama forest where the Manolian peninsula starts to jut out from the Dokanese mainland, there is a huge, fortified wall. It is not very wide, because it does not need to be to span the width of the peninsula, but it is tall, and thick, and extremely well defended. The train will have to stop at the station of a town outside of this wall. I am sure that my countrywomen will have got wind of the Empire's invasion of Dokan by now, so they will have barred entry of the train through the tunnel that passes under the wall, especially when a battalion of Imperial soldiers appears in Plessa station. It will take Vorr time to work out how to get past this wall, and all that time he will be sitting at Plessa station with his troops, and for all we know he will be amassing more there. But now that he has beaten us to it, our goal is not speed, but stealth. We will need to sneak through or around the soldiers in order to get past the wall before they do. Then finally I will be able to deliver the information that the Emperor has found out about the Jewels to my people, before Vorr can get to them.” She took a deep breath. Her lecture had been punctuated by a lot of huffs and puffs as she climbed the hill.The rest of them took a moment to let this sink in. Then Ryn said, “Alright… so we need to sneak past the Imperial troops...again. It's a good thing we've still got this Imperial armour, even if we've lost our helmets. But what do we do once we reach this ‘wall'? How will we be able to get past it without revealing ourselves to the Imperials on this side of it?”“Yeah, he does have a point there, princess,” said Sagar, to Ryn's surprise. Perhaps Ryn should set his face on fire more often…“That's the reason I'm not in as much of a rush any more,” said Nuthea, determinedly looking at her feet as she walked and refusing to meet any of their gazes. “I...I know of a secret passageway through the wall. A secret entrance and exit. We will be able to sneak into Manolia through that.”“Okay,” said Elrann, “well that makes a lot more sense now. But I think it makes all the more sense for us to be restocking our supplies here in Zerlan before we carry on. There's no way we could even get to the Manolian border  wall on what we've got left.”“I agree,” said Cid. Sagar and Vish nodded their assent too.Ryn didn't see any reason to protest. Which meant that in a moment he could ask Nuthea about some other things that had happened on board the train which had been starting to bother him...They reached the crest of the latest hill and took a moment to catch their breaths in the crisp air. This hill was higher than the last and afforded them an even better view of the surrounding country. To the West and North, more hills, stretching back to the Imfisi plains they had traversed on the train. To the East and South, yet more hills, yes, but instead of eventually flattening out, they rose to become the snow-dusted Pelnian mountains. Wending its way down from these was the thin blue ribbon of the river they had jumped into to escape from Vorr. The plume of steam from the Sirran train the Imperials had commandeered had long disappeared.Ryn could not hold in his questions any more. “Why did we end up needing to jump off the train?” he asked of the world in general. Then he rounded on Cid, addressing his next few questions to the old man. “Why did Nuthea's lightning bolt not do more damage to Vorr? You were worried about that before it happened. What do you know that we don't?”The old man chewed his cheek. Everyone looked at him expectantly for an answer. Everyone except Nuthea.“Something,” Cid said eventually, “now, that I had only suspected before.”Ryn couldn't help from feeling that the old man was only pausing for dramatic effect. “What?” Cid sighed. “The Jewels, when a person touches them, impart alignment to the element they are associated with. That's why a person who has been touched by one of them can manipulate and project that element, and isn't harmed by it.”“We know that, old timer,” said Sagar. “Come on, skip to the new stuff.”“I'm getting there. When my former companions and I were collecting the Jewels before, we developed a theory about this elemental alignment, but we never had the opportunity to test it properly, and we never dared test it on each other. The theory we came up with was that, when a person touched a particular Jewel, not only did they gain the ability to manipulate that element, but they also gained a certain affinity with that element. Somehow, their body became attuned to that element and came to bear some of the properties of that element. And from various anecdotal incidents, we came to speculate that with this affinity came certain weaknesses and resistances to the other elements.”“Put it in plainspeak, old timer,” said Sagar.“In other words, a person aligned to a certain element will be especially weak to attacks from certain other elements, and especially resistant to attacks from certain other elements. The most obvious one is that people who have touched the Fire Ruby would be especially susceptible to attacks from those who had touched the Water Sapphire, as fire is vulnerable to extinguishment by water. But in turn water is highly vulnerable to lightning…”“And fire is resistant to lightning,” said Ryn slowly, seeing where Cid was going. “That's why Nuthea's lightning bolt didn't hurt me more. That's why Sagar needed you to heal him, but not me. That's why Vorr and the officers touched by the Ruby hadn't been hurt more by her lightning back on the top of the train.” “Indeed,” said Cid. “As far as we guessed, fire isn't completely resistant to lightning, but it is partially resistant, from what we observed. And interestingly enough, it didn't quite seem to work the other way around. Lightning alignment does not grant resistance to fire–far from it–so fire seemed to be the dominant element in the pairing. It was only a theory, and like I say, we didn't have a chance to test it out properly before, since nobody but us ever had any elemental powers before, and we didn't want to test it by attacking each other, but now that you've done that it does seem to confirm--” “Do the Empire know?” said Nuthea all of a sudden, briskly. The colour had drained from her face completely; her skin was milk-white. “Do the Empire know?” she asked again, even more urgently.“I don't see how they could,” said Cid, putting his hands up in reassurance, “unless they have access to lore that we didn't. Although recent events may have given them an inkling…”“We've got to keep moving,” said Nuthea. “Fast. We need to find a Zerlanese settlement as soon as we can and restock our supplies, and then move on to Manolia.” She had started to hop from foot to foot. “Come on, everyone!” She seemed to have turned even whiter, were that possible, and had started to shake a little.“Now hold on, princess!” said Sagar. “All of a sudden we're in a rush again? What's with all the urgency?”Ryn knew.“Don't you see?” said Nuthea, pleadingly. “Vorr and his Officers are heading for Manolia, with the Fire Ruby, and they have resistance to lightning! The primary defence method of my people won't even work against him! And he might even know this now!”“Arrrrggh!” Ryn cried out with frustration. The mention of the General's name had lit the flame of his temper again, and hate burned in his chest at the memory of being caught and tortured by him. “Damn him, he's just too strong! Even with all my practice I still couldn't beat him! He's invulnerable to fire, and now we know he's virtually invulnerable to lightning too!”“Don't be so hard on yourself,” said Cid. “Vorr is powerful and devious.”“I hate him!” Ryn went on, unable to contain his outburst and not caring. “I hate him for killing my parents and burning down my hometown and for stealing the Jewel from us!”“Come on, Ryn,” said Nuthea, still agitated too, “let's go, then! That's why we've got to get to Manolia ahead of him: to warn my people and stop him from taking another Jewel!”Ryn remembered something else. In the heat of his outburst, he couldn't hold back his questions any more.“Nuthea, what did Vorr mean when he said to you on top of the train ‘you've been helpful enough already by betraying your homeland', anyway?”Now Nuthea froze.They all looked at her. She didn't speak for a long time.When she did, she said very quietly, “I didn't think you'd heard that…” “No, I heard it,” said Ryn slowly. “How couldn't I? He said it loud and clear. I just hadn't had a moment to ask about it until now. What did he mean?”Nuthea looked at the ground.Ryn's guts went suddenly cold, the heat vanishing as quickly as it had come. Slowly, a chill crept up from the base of his feet to the top of his head, gripping his heart tight on the way. Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea?He heard himself asking another question. “How did Vorr find out about the Jewels in the first place? It wasn't just a coincidence that he attacked my town, was it?”“No,” said Nuthea very quietly, still looking down. “He knew about the Fire Ruby before he attacked Cleasor.” “How?”The cold was freezing fear in the pit of his stomach. “He knows because I told him.”Shock tore through Ryn. His mouth fell open.“Wh… what?”Still Nuthea refused to meet his gaze. “He knows because I told him,” she said quietly through the tears that started to stream down her cheeks.“Why? When? Where?”The others stared at her from where they stood, stunned to silence. Even Sagar didn't offer any comment, but seemed keen to hear whatever Nuthea had to say next.Nuthea took a deep breath and brushed the water from her cheeks. It took her a little while, but eventually she started to tell them the tale. “There… there never was an undercover mission to Imfis… What happened was that I ran away from my homeland because I was due to be wed in an arranged marriage, and I didn't want to be; I wanted to see the world and go on adventures. So I ran away, and disguised myself, and made my own way travelling. I got as far as Sirra, but one night I was staying at an inn there, and I met this man...”A horrible premonition came into Ryn's imagination.“...he bought me some drinks,” Nuthea went on, “and somehow I let slip that I was a Manolian princess...”“Why would you do that?” Ryn said.“I don't know!” Nuthea nearly started to sob again, then choked it back. “He was very charming, and he had a very flattering way of talking and I… I suppose I wanted to impress him… When I told him I was a princess he was very interested--”“Course he was,” said Sagar.“--he was very interested, and he started asking me things about my homeland and my people. And then… then he started asking me about the Primeval Jewels. Somehow he had heard of them, and he started to ask me what I knew, and I told him… I told him…”Nuthea petered out as she looked back down at the ground. She didn't seem able to bring herself to say whatever she had been going to say next.“What did you tell him?” said Ryn. But he realised he already knew.Nuthea raised her gaze to Ryn's. Her lip quivered.“I told him what I knew about the Jewels. I told him that the Lightning Crystal was in the Manolian capital and that the Fire Ruby was hidden in a small town in Efstan called Cleasor.”Ryn reeled, and had to put his arms out to stop himself from falling over. The world had begun to spin. He felt himself sit down on the ground with a bump.“I…” said Nuthea. “I'm sorry I lied to you. To you all.”Nobody else spoke. They just watched Ryn.“Say something, Ryn,” Nuthea implored him.Ryn's mind caught up with his body.“Do you mean to tell me…” he said slowly, quietly. “Do you mean to tell me that the person responsible for the Morekemian Emperor finding out about the Jewels, for Vorr coming to my hometown to find the Fire Ruby, for the death of my mother, for the death of my father, for the destruction of my hometown and the death of everyone I've ever known is...you?”“I'm sorry!” Nuthea burst out again. “I don't know what came over me! I had been drinking wine, and Vorr is...Vorr is actually quite attractive when he's not in his armour and you don't know he's an Imperial soldier… He must have been in there off duty, or on shore leave, or something, in his regular clothes. And he...he noticed me, and he was trying to...ingratiate himself with me... ”The world was still spinning, and it span faster. Ryn's stomach turned over; he worried he might be sick. “You mean you…?”“No!” said Nuthea quickly. “No. But I did get to talking with him. After I told him who I was, and then about the Jewels, he overpowered me straight away and took me back to his airship, where he threw me in that cell. I'm sure he would have tortured me, but by that point he had already gotten out of me everything I knew. I'm...I'm so sorry, Ryn.”The nausea receded a little, leaving only...cold.“Ryn, I--”“No, stop,” said Ryn. He stood up shakily. “Don't waste your breath.” This was all too much. “I need to be by myself for a little while.”He stumbled away from the group, down and round the side of the hill they were on. The whole time he walked he felt numb. And yet, underneath the numbness, somewhere in the pit of his stomach, Ryn was vaguely aware that something else was stirring in him, fighting to make itself known.When he knew he had walked down and round enough of the hill to be out of sight of his companions, he sat down and wept.The ocean of grief that had been sealed up inside of him burst forth all of a sudden, flooding him. He had had to keep it pressed down in order to escape the Empire, find a healer for Nuthea, sneak onto the train with the others, fight Vorr. He had not allowed himself to feel it fully. But now it had grown too much, and the grief broke its dam. He buried his face in the grass so that nobody would hear him, however far away they were, as it came out through his eyes in hot tears, through his chest in big, heaving sobs, through his mouth in muffled shouts of pain and anger at Vorr, at the Empire, at the world, at the fact that everyone he had ever known had been killed, but he alone had been left alive.At Nuthea.Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. Get away from Nuthea. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sagaofthejewels.substack.com

Demon Slayer Chapter 47: HMPH! / Demon Slayer Manga Reading ClubKeywords: Manga, Demon Slayer, Demon Slayer Manga, Demon Slayer Podcast, Anime, Pop Culture, Comics, Comic Books, Shonen Jump, Indie Comics, Movies, Television, DC Comics, Marvel, Marvel Comics ★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★ Help Support All of Our Shows with a One-Time Donation Here: https://ko-fi.com/weirdsciencecomicsKeywords: Manga, Demon Slayer, Demon Slayer Manga, Demon Slayer Podcast, Anime, Pop Culture, Comics, Comic Books, Shonen Jump, Indie Comics, Movies, Television, DC Comics, Marvel, Marvel ComicsThe Weird Science Manga Youtube Channel is here: https://www.youtube.com/@weirdsciencemangaThe return of the Weekly Review Show will be here:https://weirdsciencemanga.transistor.fm/subscribehttps://veryweeklymangareviewshow.transistor.fm/Keywords: Manga, Demon Slayer, Demon Slayer Manga, Demon Slayer Podcast, Anime, Pop Culture, Comics, Comic Books, Shonen Jump, Indie Comics, Movies, Television, DC Comics, Marvel, Marvel ComicsLinks to all our Manga Reading Clubs Here: https://campsite.bio/weirdsciencemangareadingclubs

"Hello! I'm Selene and I'm from Greece."As I grew up my parents realised something was different about me. I was very, very, very, gullible. One day I was playing in the field with my neighbour Clio. "Hey Selene, did you know if you cover your face in flour you can fly?""Really? I wanna try!""Daddy look!""Selene, no!"The girl who had tricked me laughed with tears rolling down her eyes at my stupidity. "Hmph. That wasn't very nice of her.""Don't pay her any mind, Selene. Sometimes in this world people will try to trick you and take advantage of you, but it's up to you to decide who you can trust, and who you can't trust.""I can trust you, Dad!""Of course you can my darling." Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

PromEvil Part 2:  "Ins and Outs" Will Hal and Lyn ever run into each other? Will Todd find his true love? Will Barb ever shut up?.... A lot of people put their heart and soul into producing this memorable event: STUDENTS Hal - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Lyn - Molly Tollefson Todd - Eli Nilsson Gee - Melissa Bartell Barb - Beverly Poole Andy - Mike Campbell Bud - Jasper Loovis Tina - Chandra Wade Missy - Jade Thomson Jake - Michael Faigenblum other students - Sky Iolta, Shelbi MacIntyre, Henry Mark FACULTY Principal Peabody - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mr. Ervin Carpel, Woodshop - Gene Thorkildsen Ms. Angela Wellesly, Crafts - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Mrs. Snodgrass, Lunchroom - Robyn Keyes P.A. Announcements - Julie Hoverson Rent-a-cop Bob - The Caretaker OTHERS Cop 1 - Glen Hallstrom Cop 2 - Joel Harvey 911 Voice - Julie Hoverson STAFF Writer - Julie Hoverson Doll Wranglers - Julie Hoverson, Kimberly Poole (Warp'd Space) Sound and Mastering - Julie Hoverson Stock sound effects - Soundsnap.com; sonomic.com Music - Prom - Sinkhole Music - background - Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) __________________________________________________________________   Prom Evil PART 2 MUSIC   1. Wood shop SOUND          DISTINCTIVE WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS LAUREL         [questioning sound] LEDERHOSEN     [negative] DUDE           [huh-huh-huh] SOUND          WOOD THOCK MONKEY HEAD    [screech]   2. AMB - GYM SOUND          CANNED MUSIC PLAYS STUDENTS       CHATTER SOUND          HARSH NOISE OVER THE SPEAKERS PEABODY        [P.A.] All right, everybody.  Quiet down.  I know you don't want to listen to this old fuddy-duddy all night, [waits for laughter, which is scarce] [fading into background] but I have a few announcements that have to be made.  Emergency exits are at the front and back of the room, should there be any ...um, emergency. LYN            You're sure Andy'll still be coming tonight? BARB           Oh, sure...maybe he'll even try to get me back, wouldn't that be a riot? LYN            Yeah.  [no] BARB           [to Tina] Hey Tina!  Where're you going?  The night's still young! TINA           Huh?  Barb?  [too fast] Nowhere. BARB           [nastily] Hot date? TINA           [gasp]  I-- I--  Oh! SOUND          DASHES AWAY BARB           [considering] Hmm. LYN            Why are you so harsh to your friends? BARB           Oh, please.  Any guy she can't bring to prom isn't worth dating.  LYN            Maybe she has to pick him up from work or something. BARB           [scorn] Work?  Tscha.  [up] Ooh!  Jake! LYN            Don't leave me! BARB           I'm your cousin, not your babysitter.  Andy'll be around somewhere. MR. PEABODY     [fading back in] Finally.  The only washrooms that are available are the ones in the locker rooms.  The school is locked, so no matter how long the lines are, you have to wait.      3. SOMEHOW SEGUE TO OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.  PEABODY's VOICE STILL PLAYS, JUST MUFFLED SOUND          CRICKETS, DISTANT TRAFFIC MR. PEABODY     Anyone seen using any...ahem... atypical facilities, specifically the school's flower beds, will be taken into custody. SOUND          WALKING TODD           Ew.  Who would use the flowers.  [shudder]  [gasp as he almost walks into someone] DUDE           Freak!  The world's up here. CHICK          [giggle] TODD           [evasive] Sorry.  Sorry. SOUND          FEET QUICKLY SHUFFLE PAST CHICK          Who's that? DUDE           That's the [up] freak [down, fading out] who's all obsessed with his damn woodshop project. TODD           [muttering]  I'm not obsessed.  Obsessed is bad.  I'm passionate.  All great artists are passionate. SOUND          LAST FEW QUICK FOOTSTEPS, QUIET TRY AT DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MUSIC STARTS IN THE GYM TODD           [chuckles]  Perfect. SOUND          JANGLE OF CHAIN, LOCKPICKS MUSIC   4. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM, MUSIC IS LOUD BUD            Dude.  HAL            [polky voice - goofy and muffled]  Hello! BUD            [disgusted] Oh, man.  Ditch the Spot and go talk to the brain.  She's been left unattended and needs to be towed away. SOUND          VELCRO OPENING HAL            [slightly muffled] I don't have anything else to wear.  I was gonna just-- BUD            God, you are the king of dork.  Find something in the drama closet.  They just did some pig-thing show. HAL            [exasperated sigh] Pygmalion. BUD            There must be something. HAL            [considering] Hmm. Maybe... MUSIC   5. PUNCH BOWL SOUND          LIQUID BEING SLOPPED INTO GLASS BOY1           [dubious] Thanks. SOUND          FEET APPROACH LYN            How's the punch, Mrs. Snodgrass? MRS. SNODGRASS  I've confiscated three flasks so far.  [pitbull] No one gets past me. LYN            Great.  Give me a double. SOUND          DIPPER POURS LYN            Cheers. ANDY           Hey. LYN            [gasps] SOUND          PUNCH SPILLS LYN            [frantic noise] ANDY           Damn.  Sorry.  You wanna dance?  LYN            [uncomfortable but pleased] Um, sure.  I mean...that'd be great. ANDY           Cool. MUSIC   6. WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP CLOCK TICKS SOUND          SCRITCH OF METAL ON WOOD - KIND OF AIMLESS SOUND          MUFFLED SOUND OF METAL ON METAL LEDERHOSEN     [urgent noise] SOUND          METAL ON WOOD STOPS DUDE           [HUH?] SOUND          WOODEN THOCK SOUND          METAL ON METAL STOPS, DOORKNOB TURNS CAUTIOUSLY, DOOR CREAKS OPEN TODD           [whispered] Mr. Carpel?  [surprised] Candles? MUSIC   7. BACKSTAGE AMB            DRAMA LOCKER GYM MUSIC IS MUFFLED SLIGHTLY SOUND          HEAVY PADDED THING HURLED TO FLOOR HAL            [coughing, then sighs]  Yuch.  Sorry old Polky, but you need to die.  [makes gun noise, pauses, then empties the other five shots into it] SOUND          SCRATCHES HIS HEAD VIGOROUSLY GEE            Delousing? HAL            [gasp] SOUND          CLATTER GEE            [laughs delightedly, but clearly not "interested"]  You're so cute. HAL            Gee?  What are-- you--? GEE            Thought you could use a hand.  I did wardrobe for the last three shows and know where everything is. HAL            But how did you--? GEE            I'm a psycho - or do I mean psychic?  [holds a second, then laughs again] I heard you and Bud.  HAL            Ahh. MUSIC   8. DANCE FLOOR AMB - GYM SLOW MUSIC PLAYS ANDY           Ooh [interested noise]  Mm. LYN            [gasps]  oh. ANDY           Mm.  What? LYN            [nervous] Let's get some punch. ANDY           Don't you like dancing? LYN            I'm just suddenly really thirsty. ANDY           [resigned] Punch it is. MUSIC   9. OUTSIDE SOUND          OUTSIDE MUSIC IS MUFFLED CRICKETS SOUND          OMINOUS RUSTLING AND GROANING NOISES CAN BE HEARD IN THE NEARBY BUSHES, BUT THEY QUICKLY RESOLVE THEMSELVES INTO A COUPLE MAKING OUT. SOUND          RAIN BEGINS TINA           [oh no!] Aah! BUD            Ah, shit.  Come on. SOUND          RUNNING FEET TINA           We can't go in! BUD            Well... [indecisive]  Come on. TINA           The school's locked! BUD            [insinuating] But it's got a nice dark, deep doorway... TINA           [interested]  Ooh! SOUND          QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Come here, then. TINA           Mmm. SOUND          DOOR FLIES OPEN BUD            Geek. SOUND          TODD DASHES PAST TODD           [frantic breathing] SOUND          DOOR SWINGS SHUT BUD            [speculative] Hmm. TINA           Are you thinking--? BUD            Aren't you? TINA           [teasing] Mr. Bud, are you trying to lure poor lil' ole me off to some dark place where you can take advantage of me? BUD            Well, I really just wanted your opinion of my civics project, but now that you mention it...  Sure.  I'll take advantage of you, baby.  Come on. SOUND          DOOR OPENS MUSIC   10.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          PUNCH POURS SNODGRASS      [snarls] just one at a time. KID            [frightened] Um, OK. SOUND          SCAMPERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Back again, Lyn? LYN            Just thirsty I guess-- SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN, TODD RUNS IN, SLAMS DOOR TODD           [gasping] SNODGRASS      Hmph.  ANDY           Dork. LYN            He looks hurt. SNODGRASS      See if he has a ticket.  [disgusted] Or pupils. SOUND          LYN CAUTIOUSLY APPROACHES LYN            Todd?  That's your name, right?  Are you OK, Todd? TODD           [whines and whispers] Mr. Carpel.  Missy.  They're DEAD! SOUND          HE SINKS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   11.         BACKSTAGE AMB            BACKSTAGE GEE            Hold on.  Now look. SOUND          HAL TURNS, SQUEAK OF TENNIS SHOES HAL            [surprised and cheered] Wow.  GEE            I figured you were about Higgins' size.  Oh wait-- SOUND          DRAWER OPENS, RUSTLE HAL            [admiring himself] Damn.  I clean up good. GEE            Everyone looks good in a tux - that's kind of the point.  Here. SOUND          STICKS FAKE FLOWER IN THE LAPEL, PATS IT DOWN HAL            Feels like a wedding. GEE            Plenty of time for that later.  Start with trying to speak to her - at least in her general direction. HAL            [gasps] MUSIC   12.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          SNAPPING FINGERS LYN            Hey?  Hey! TODD           [whimpers] LYN            Andy!  Help me get him into a chair! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          CLUMSY MOVE INTO A CHAIR TODD           [mumbling, more of the same] ANDY           What the hell's he saying? LYN            Um... [listening, then repeating Todd's words, getting more creeped out as it goes along] Mr. Carpel... Wood Shop... dead... Missy... [worried] blood... ANDY           Blood?  What the f--? [realizing] Ohh! LYN            Shh.  [going on] They attacked me... they must have killed them... she wouldn't let them kill me... they're dead. TODD           [groans and passes out] SOUND          BODY FALL ANDY           [slyly] Well, we could go and take a look at the Wood Shop. LYN            Us?  Shouldn't we send Rent-a-cop Bob?  It IS what he's here for.  Besides, someone should stay and look after Todd. ANDY           [whispered explaining] It's a gag, see?  Bob'll skin anyone who gets him to shift his lardbutt for a prank.  LYN            It doesn't sound like-- ANDY           Babe, it's practically Polk High tradition for some bozo like Todd here to pull a big prank during prom. LYN            He sounds really scared. ANDY           [ignoring her] At least this sounds like a winner.  [with a naughty wink] Let's check it out. MUSIC   13.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            EMPTY SCHOOL HALL SOUND          MAKING OUT BUD            Mm.  Me likee. TINA           You're sure no one can see us? BUD            Yeah.  There's no one in the ...entire ...building.  SOUND          ZIPPER UNZIPS SOUND          DISTANT TAP OF FEET APPROACHES TINA           [gasp] SOUND          SCRAMBLE OF CLOTHES TINA           I thought you said-- BUD            Come on.  I know just the place. MUSIC   14.         DOOR NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM SOUND          DOOR OPENS ANDY           Coming? LYN            [sighs] I guess.  SOUND          SLOW STEPS BARB           [suddenly in their face] Leaving?  So soon? ANDY           There's a gag on in the school.  We're gonna take a look.  [heavy with challenge] Right, Lyn? LYN            Uh-- HAL            [off a bit, quiet] Damn. BARB           [furious] Fine.  If the building's open, I'll just go to my locker.  I could use some hairspray. SOUND          SHE FLINGS HERSELF OUT, TOO MUSIC   15.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            SCHOOL HALL SOUND          WOODEN FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huh-huh-huh] LEDERHOSEN     [quieting growl] SOUND          LIGHTER THOCK DUDE           [ulp] MAJORETTE      [clicking noise] MUSIC   16.         DOORWAY NEAR PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM, MUSIC SOUND          DOOR SHUTS HAL            [heavy sigh]  Missed it by that much.  Ow!  What was-- SOUND          UMBRELLA TAPPED ON FLOOR GEE            You think I carry this just for the SPF? HAL            But--? GEE            Go after her. HAL            Go after--?  But what do I say? GEE            Argh!  What do I look like, a fairy godmother?  Oh, god, I do....  Move your butt.  HAL            why are you doing this anyway? GEE            Lyn's my friend, and you're harmless.  Go! SOUND          SQUEAK OF HIS TENNIS SHOES HAL            [suddenly realizing] Harmless?  Huh?  [looking for her]  Gee? TODD           [muttering] They're dead, you know. HAL            What? TODD           In the wood shop. HAL            Oh shit. SOUND          DOOR SLAMS OPEN MUSIC   17.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LOCKER SLAMS SHUT BARB           Jake won't know what hit him. SOUND          ZIPPER ON MAKEUP BAG CLOSES DECISIVELY SOUND          WALKING IN HEELS SOUND          OFF, RUSTLING AND GASPING NOISES BARB           Hmm? SOUND          HEELS START TO SNEAK SOUND          RUSTLING GETS CLOSER BARB           [squeal of disgust] Oh MY GOD!!!! MUSIC   18.         SCHOOL HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          TWO PAIRS OF FEET ANDY           [insinuating] A dimly-lit spooky hallway, a pair of good-looking, healthy American teens, what's that make YOU think of? LYN            Cheesy horror movies, what else?  You forgot to mention the possibility of two dead bodies in the Wood Shop. ANDY           It's a joke...it's gotta be. MUSIC   19.         SCHOOL HALLWAY BACK TO BARB VOICES are kind of distant BARB           [tail end of squeal] TINA           [gasp] UP CLOSE MAJORETTE      [quiet clicking] BUD            What the--? BARB           Oh... my... god.  Tina.  I cannot believe this!  You and... THAT. BUD            Screw you! TINA           [breaks down into tears and runs off] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, LADIES ROOM DOOR SLAPS SHUT BARB           Not if you had a gold plated... You know. SOUND          TURNS ON HER HEEL, WALKS OFF BUD            Tina? BARB           Ladies room, dumbass. SOUND          SHOVE, STUMBLING STEPS SOUND          DOOR FLAPS SHUT MUSIC   20.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FEET LYN            [whispered]  Is it unlocked? ANDY           Shh. SOUND          METAL CLANG - HE TAKES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER OFF THE WALL LYN            [whispered] It's not on fire! ANDY           [disgusted sigh] SOUND          QUICK SCRAMBLE OF STEPS, DOOR KICKED OPEN ANDY           Yaaah! MUSIC   21.         LADIES ROOM SOUND          LADIES ROOM DOOR FLAPS SHUT TINA           [off, Gasping and choking] BARB           Hah!  SOUND          HIGH HEELS.  BAG SET DOWN MAKEUP NOISES AS SHE TALKS TINA           [chokes and gasps under all] BARB           You should be ashamed.  That guy is such a nothing.  You can't possibly like someone like that.  Hopeless losers are not for the likes of us, Tina dear.  We're only supposed to date cute guys and guys with the potential to be rich  ...or famous.  TINA           [last gasp] LEDERHOSEN     [quiet noise] BARB           Are you just determined to sabotage your whole entire life? SOUND          SINK RUNS BARB           Tina?  You done yet? SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS SOUND          PUSHING STALL DOORS OPEN, ONE BY ONE BARB           It's not that bad.  No one else needs to know. SOUND          DOOR OPEN BARB           But you're the designated driver for the next ...Hmm... SOUND          DOOR OPENS BARB           ...three parties? SOUND          FINAL STALL DOOR OPENS BARB           [full force scream of horror] MUSIC   22.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP LYN            [slightly off] Well? ANDY           It's all dark.  Hold on. SOUND          GROPING FOR LIGHT SWITCH LYN            [closer] Here, let me. SOUND          LIGHT SWITCH CLICKS ON.  FLUORESCENTS FLICKER TO LIFE ANDY           Oh shit! [full force scream of horror] SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER CLATTERS TO FLOOR SOUND          RUNNING, PUSHES LYN ANDY           Out of the way! LYN            Uh! SOUND          THUMP AGAINST DOOR FRAME SOUND          FEET RUN DOWN HALL LYN            [small freaking out noises] No.  No no no no. SOUND          SLOWLY BACKING AWAY SOUND          FIRE EXTINGUISHER KICKED AND ROLLS AWAY SOUND          LYN STUMBLES SOUND          CAUGHT HAL            Hey!  Gotcha. LYN            [freaks out for a second, then dissolves into tears] MUSIC   23.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE LADIES ROOM AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          LADIES ROOM FLAPS OPEN BARB           [screams past] SOUND          RUNNING FEET, THUMP BUD            Shit!  Oof! SOUND          BODY DROP TO FLOOR SOUND          BARB's FEET RECEDE BUD            [blows out a breath] Bitch. SOUND          SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET BUD            [going off] Tina?  Tina? SOUND          DISTANT CLICKING NOISE MUSIC   24.         HALLWAY NEAR WOODSHOP AMB            NEAR WOODSHOP LYN            [still crying and gasping] HAL            It's all right.  It's OK.  Shh. LYN            [gasping out the words] He was right.  They ARE dead.  Oh, geez.  I can't.... [sobs]  I can't believe this! HAL            Who? LYN            Todd. HAL            Todd's dead? LYN            No!  Missy and Mr. Carpel. HAL            I'll take a look. LYN            No!  It's terrible! HAL            Stay here. MUSIC   25.         PUNCHBOWL AMB            GYM TODD           [drinking punch, he seems better, but is still muttering] They're DEAD.  They killed them, but she protected me.  I know she's not like the others.  She understands how ... how special she is.  She knows. SNODGRASS      You need to go home, kid. TODD           [disturbingly reasonable] They ARE dead, you know.  It was an easy A, he said.  An easy A. SNODGRASS      Look, you're scaring people.  Can't you just zip it? TODD           [reasonably] But... they're dead. SNODGRASS      Angie? ANGIE          Yeah, Marge? SNODGRASS      Take over for a while.  This boy needs something calming, and I think I've got what he needs ...apart from a padded room...if I can get Bob to unlock the school. TODD           The door IS unlocked. SNODGRASS      What?  Well, I'd better see about that, too. MUSIC   26.         WOOD SHOP AMB            WOOD SHOP SOUND          A COUPLE OF STEPS - HAL LYN            [off] Here. SOUND          MANUAL WINDING OF CAMERA BOX HAL            What?  Oh!  Good idea. SOUND          TAKES HER CAMERA, STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES HAL            Ew. LYN            [calling from off] How can you just... be in there? HAL            I watch a lot of CSI.  This just looks like ...special effects. LYN            [off] Are they...? HAL            Yeah.  I'm pretty damn sure.  Hmm. SOUND          SNAPPING MORE PICS LYN            What? HAL            It's... weird.   Just a sec. SOUND          PICKING UP BOOK, RUFFLES PAGES HAL            [musing] luh liver dess poops? LYN            What? SOUND          HE STICKS IT IN HIS POCKET HAL            [up] Almost done.  MUSIC   27.         SCHOOL KITCHENs AMB            KITCHEN SOUND          SNODGRASS HEAVY FEET STOMP IN - SHE IS DISTANT DUDE           [CLOSE - quiet huh-huh] SNODGRASS      [muttering] Nutty freaking kids these days.  None of this hot and cold running narcotics when I was a girl. SOUND          QUIET DOLL FOOTSTEPS CREEP CLOSER SOUND          DISTANT, SHE TURNS ON A LIGHT, OPENS A DRAWER SOUND          MORE DOLL FOOTSTEPS DUDE           [huh-huhs] SOUND          QUICK CLIMBING NOISES SOUND          DISTANT, BOTTLE OPENS, POURS SNODGRASS      Salut.  [drinks] SOUND          CLOSE, KNIFE SLIDES OUT OF KNIFE BLOCK DUDE           [loud huh-huhs] MUSIC   28.         HALLWAY OUTSIDE WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SNEAKERS COME OUT OF WOOD SHOP LYN            Hmm? HAL            Um... Looks like old Mr. Carpel went all satanic and sort of... sacrificed... um... forget it. LYN            But who killed Mr. Carpel? HAL            I don't know, but this book looks all creepy and stuff.  Maybe he summoned a demon or something and it got him. LYN            You're joking. HAL            [tries to chuckle] Well, maybe just a little, but something got him, didn't it?  Come on.  We need to get ... help. LYN            We need to call the police.  Barb has a phone...when we get back to the dance... HAL            There's pay phones in the lounge. LYN            I want to get OUT of here.  Whoever - whatever - did that is still ... on the loose! SOUND          [their voices start to recede] HAL            Well...  I think that back there happened a few hours ago.  The blood looked mostly dried, and the candles were all burned down.  Whoever killed Mr. Carpel is probably long gone. MONKEY HEAD    [query] LAUREL         [negative response] MUSIC   29.         KITCHEN AMB - Kitchen SOUND          MRS. SNODGRASS STEPS OUT OF OFFICE.  LIGHT OFF.  LOCKS THE DOOR. DUDE           [huh-huh] SOUND          LITTLE FEET RUSH FORWARD SNODGRASS      Huh? SOUND          SQUISH OF KNIFE STAB SNODGRASS      [scream in agony] SOUND          BODY FALL SNODGRASS      GASPING IN PAIN DUDE           [huh-huh] MUSIC   30.         HALLWAY LEAVING WOOD SHOP AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          QUICK FEET APPROACH, PASS BY LYN            [panting a bit] I...  This sounds terrible ...I know I know you, but I can't remember your name. HAL            [panting a bit] Hal.  It's usually my face people forget. LYN            [panting a bit] I know...you're always in that costume.  It's kind of... HAL            Dumb? LYN            No!  I think it's... um... cute. MUSIC   31.         AMB - KITCHEN SOUND          BLOOD DROPS SNODGRASS      What the hell is--? SOUND          SLOW WOODEN FOOTSTEPS CIRCLE HER DUDE           Huh-huh-hwa? SOUND          IMPACT - A PAN! SOUND          DOLL TUMBLES, KNIFE SKITTERS AWAY SNODGRASS      Hah!! SOUND          SHE CRAWLS PAINFULLY SOUND          DOLL CLATTERS BY SOUND          FABRIC FLAPS SOUND          DOLL CAUGHT IN APRON DUDE           Huh?  Huh? SNODGRASS      Hah! Hah!  You little bastard! SOUND          POURING OF ALCOHOL ON DOLL SNODGRASS      [weakly] How bout a little... SOUND          CREAK OF OVEN OPENING SOUND          FIGHT TO GET IT INTO OVEN SNODGRASS      [weakening] fire.... scare... crow... SOUND          AFTER FIGHT, OVEN DOOR SLAMS SHUT SNODGRASS      [sigh in relief, breathes heavily...] SOUND          BODY SLUMPS AGAINST OVEN MUSIC   32.         OUTSIDE MAIN SCHOOL DOOR SCHOOL         EXTERIOR DOOR OPENS SOUND          FOOTSTEPS COMING OUT LYN            So what's the book?  Something Satanic? HAL            I don't really know.  It's... foreign.  Maybe Latin?  Spooky books are always in Latin, aren't they? LYN            Hmm.  That's not Latin...I TOOK Latin.  I'm pretty sure that's French.  Gee would know. HAL            [muttered] Yeah. She kinda knows everything. MUSIC   33.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          CLICKING NOISE SOUND          FEET APPROACH BUD            [off] Tina? SOUND          CLICKING STOPS SUDDENLY SOUND          A MEWLING NOISE IS HEARD FROM WHERE THE CLICKING WAS. BUD            Tina?  You OK? SOUND          WALKS FASTER MUSIC   34.         BETWEEN BUILDINGS AMB            OUTSIDE SOUND          PACING HAL            [muttering to himself]  Yeah, what do I say now - hey, since we've shared a corpse or two, why not have some bubble tea?  [heavy sigh] SOUND          UMBRELLA POPPED UP HAL            [gasps] GEE            I said it's not just for decoration. HAL            Geez.  Just sneak up on-- GEE            You've got some weird book for me? HAL            Lyn's coming back, right? GEE            Don't worry. SOUND          SHE SNAGS THE BOOK, PAGES THROUGH HAL            She's--? GEE            [exasperated] Looking for that succubus she calls a cousin. [examines the book] Hmm... It say it's a book of dolls, or puppets...or something.  [dubious] That last word - hmmm.  I gotta dictionary in my locker. MUSIC   35.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY SOUND          SLOW FOOTSTEPS BUD            Tina? SOUND          TRIES A DOOR - LOCKED SOUND          MEWLING SOUND          FEET SPEED UP, THEN STOP BUD            [slightly breathless] Tina?  Huh?  [over his shoulder] Hello?  Hmph. Who could have... SOUND          SLOW WALKING BUD            [slow realization, dragged out]  I got it.  [up] Nice prank, guys!  [muttered] So what happens, I touch the dolly and [looking up] something falls on me?  Hmm?  [muttered again] MUSIC   36.         HALLWAY AMB            ANOTHER HALLWAY GEE            It's really close, I can just run over and-- HAL            Whoever killed them might still be in the-- SOUND          DOOR OPENS, RAIN LYN            [breathing a little hard]  There you are! HAL            [eager]  Waiting for you. GEE            Now can we all go to my locker?  It's closer than the library. HAL            Did you find--? LYN            I couldn't find Barb anywhere, and [breaking a little] I couldn't convince anyone else... GEE            Let me guess, they all think it's a prank? HAL            Here, then-- SOUND          OPENS DOOR HAL            And some-- SOUND          JINGLES COINS IN HIS HAND LYN            Cute.  But you don't have to pay for 9-1-1. HAL            Oh. SOUND          JINGLE PUT AWAY MUSIC   37.         HALLWAY AMB            HALLWAY BUD            Oh to hell with it.  SOUND          SOME QUICK FOOTSTEPS BUD            Oh, man!  That's the prank.  Someone broke into the wood shop and stole these little fuckers.  Bet they're all over the damn school by now. SOUND          MAJORETTE'S CLICKING NOISES BUD            Weird. Where's the parade, honey? SOUND          SCRAPE AS HE PICKS UP THE STATUE MAJORETTE      [clicking turns ugly, creak] SOUND          SQUISH, STAB BUD            [gurgle, tries to gasp for breath] MAJORETTE      [satisfied clicking] SOUND          BATON PULLED FREE SOUND          GUSH OF BLOOD, BODY DROP SOUND          MAJORETTE CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR MUSIC   38.         LOUNGE AMB            LOUNGE SOUND          PHONE HUNG UP LYN            [a little uncertain] Police are on their way. SOUND          SCREAMS AND BANGING NOISES FROM OUTSIDE IN THE HALL. HAL            Shit! LYN            [gasp] GEE            [whispered] Block the door!  [exasperated noise] Argh! END OF PART 2    

“Rachel, come play hide and seek with us!”“Hey Rachel, do you wanna come hang at my house after school?”“Can I play with you guys?”“Ew Candace no way!”Rachel laughed and waltzed away with her friends.I didn't get it. Why was Rachel so popular? She was always so mean to me!Hi, I'm Candace from Texas. Growing up, I was always just average. I wasn't pretty. I wasn't super smart. I wasn't popular. I was the opposite of my neighbour Rachel. Everyone loved her. One time the whole class was at a birthday party. Rachel had told me the day before that it was a dress-up party, so I had begged my mom to buy me this Harley Quinn outfit. I arrived at the party but to my horror not a single person was in fancy dress! I was the only one.“Oh, look who's here! Is that supposed to be Harley Quinn? More like Hardly-A-Queen!”Everyone laughed at me. Hmph. It wasn't even a good joke! I was ready to leave the party right away, but then another girl rushed in and stood between me and the crowd of laughing kids. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Episode 139 of That Was Disappointing is Live.We know you've already broken your New Year's resolutions, fatty.Today's Topic: Failed endeavors.We're approaching 150 episodes, so at least we're not talking about ourselves. Even if we haven't monetized this yet... Hmph.Join Art and Lex, and their frenemy Ben (again!?), as they chat about failures, mulligans, and even more failures. But hey, you've gotta be able to laugh at yourself, right? One day you look like Dawson Leery the next you're Uncle Fester. *coughs* Not that Lex has any reason to crow. This is the guy whose mid-life crisis has him rolling around on a dingy mat with a bunch of sweaty men. #CarelessWhisperTWD Tip of the Week: Blockbuster once passed on buying a little known DVD-by-mail company named Netflix for $50 million. LOL

In classic 1940s Hollywood, aspiring screenwriter Fiona Cross discovers the pitfalls of writing remakes - including, perhaps, romance with an undying legend of the silver screen. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Fiona Cross - E. Vickery Victor Malacard - Cole Hornaday George - Jerry Bennett Margie - Kristina Yuen Andy - Michael Faigenblum Additional Voices - Rhea Lutton, Julie Hoverson,  Reynaud LeBoeuf Music:  Gabriel Garcea (gagamusic.eu) (also available on Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Theme:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Sound effects found on Soundsnap.com Recorded with the assistance of Ryan Hirst of Neohoodoo Studio Cover Photos:  (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com) "What kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a movie studio office - can't you tell? Where else would you find... a screenwriter?" _______________________________________________     HOUSEWARMING Cast:   [opening credits/Olivia] Fiona Cross, screenwriter   George Webber, producer   Victor Malacard, actor/director   Margie, best friend   Mason, butler   Andy, a Messenger   Instructor voice, on P.A. Landlady   OLIVIA Did you have any trouble finding it? What  do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a film producer's office, can't  you tell?   SCENE 1 MUSIC SOUND EFFICIENT TYPING, PHONES IN THE BACKGROUND GEORGE The bad news is -it's really very good. FIONA [excited] Wonderful! [waitaminute] That's  the bad news? GEORGE Yup. Because we can't use it. SOUND SHEAF OF PAPERS TOSSED ONTO TABLE. FIONA What? But ...but Mr. Webber, you said it  was GEORGE Practically brilliant. I'll even read your  next one, and I don't say that often.  [pauses, thinks] Ever. But, Miss Cross...  you should know by now that writing remakes  is a complete waste of time. There's all  sorts of issues. We don't want to get sued. FIONA But The House on the Peak was made- GEORGE Twenty-odd years ago. It's still dicey.  Whoever owns it could sue us, and after that  fiasco at Champion pictures last year...  We're taking no chances. We're not Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, you know. FIONA If ... what if I could make an arrangement  with the owner? Would you still be  interested? GEORGE [cagey] Well, I said it was good, but I  never actually said I was interested.  [beat] Come back when you've got a  signature. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 2 SOUND TINNY PHONOGRAPH MUSIC INSTRUCTOR [off mike throughout] And lift. One. Two. FIONA [puffing slightly throughout] All that  work! MARGIE [puffing slightly throughout] Goodness,  Fiona, didn't anyone ever tell you never  adapt? INSTRUCTOR ...five and six. Arms up! FIONA I guess I figured the studio would handle  all that. MARGIE [teasing] Did you just drop off the turnip  truck -Oh, sorry, the porkchop truck. INSTRUCTOR ...seven and eight -keep them up! FIONA [teasing back] You just watch it, we  Piggottsville girls are tough! [puffs a  bit] Now I just have to get up the nerve. MARGIE [sarcastic] Nerve? YOU? I can't imagine! INSTRUCTOR [off] I hear someone talking! FIONA [whispered] Enough nerve to go and talk to  Victor Malacard. MUSIC BRIDGE   SCENE 3 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY. WOODSY NOISES FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA OK, Fee. Let's see what you've got. Scene:  Heroine walks up to big spooky house. She  is nervous. Almost trembling -wait, no  scratch that. She is resolved, plucky.  Much better. SOUND CREAK OF WOOD, BIRD CALL FIONA [slightly spooked] Or not. Come on, Fee.  You can DO this. Plucky heroine, for  goodness sake. Pluck up. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA What a scene. Artfully disheveled garden.  Overgrown and dried out fountain. Huge  mansion in exactly the proper state of  dilapidation. [tries to laugh] I should be  taking notes. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD STAIRS FIONA [practicing] Mr. Malacard, I am such a big  fan of--No, I'm sure he hears THAT all  the- SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW DOWN, THEN STOP. FIONA [firm] Mr. Malacard. I have a proposition  for--Oh pooh! [ingratiating] Mr.  Malacard. How wonderful to finally meet- SOUND DOOR CREAKS OPEN. FIONA [gasp] MASON [spooky and unwelcoming] May I help you? FIONA [muttered] I bet you get a lot of these  roles. MASON Hmm? FIONA Sorry. Nothing. I would like to speak to  Mr. Malacard. MASON No. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA What? Aren't you supposed to say something  like [aping his voice] "I'm afraid Mr.  Malacard... isn't himself today." [normal  voice] and give me a chance to argue with  you? [pause] Huh? SOUND TWO FOOTSTEPS ON WOOD, THEN SHE SITS ON THE  STAIR WITH A CREAK. FIONA [calling over her shoulder] Very well,  then. I'm not leaving. I'll just sit here  until the spiderwebs grow up over me and I  become part of the set! SOUND BIRDS. FIONA [muttered] Or at least until I get up the  nerve to walk back to town. [sigh] Well,  it's kind of nice here, anyway. Peaceful.  [takes a couple of deep breaths] SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL APPROACH VICTOR [coming on mike] Can I help you? FIONA What? Oh! [noises, as she stands] Mr.  Mal--Wait. You can't be--I'm confused. VICTOR [chuckles] I look just like him, don't I?  I'm Victor Malacard the lesser. Call me  Vic. FIONA Fiona Cross. I'm so pleased! I'm a writer,  you see, and-15            VICTOR [cold] So sorry. Father doesn't give  interviews. FIONA Oh, no -I'm a screenwriter. I wrote a  wonderful script- VICTOR [perturbed] He doesn't act any more,  either. FIONA Does he let people finish their sentences? VICTOR [chuckling in spite of himself] All right.  Just point to me when it's my cue. FIONA [deep breath] I wrote a new version of The  House on the Peak, your father's  masterpiece, and I would very much like to  get it produced- FIONA --because I spent a lot of time on it, and  I know he would be flattered if he could  only read it, because, well, the original  was brilliant, but most people DO like sound  nowadays, and this would bring his work back  for more people to see, and if I could just  get his permission, I have a studio which is  VERY interested. VICTOR [pause] My turn? Then... all right. FIONA All right then, what? VICTOR Let me read it. I'll see if it's all you  say it is. FIONA But your father- VICTOR Is old and very ill -one reason I cannot  let anyone into the house. I have all the  authority necessary. I assume you brought your script? FIONA Oh, yes! SOUND SNAPS OPEN SHOULDERBAG, PULLS OUT SHEAF OF  PAPERS. FIONA Really, I'm a much better writer than I must  sound like, from the way I talk. I just get  really- SOUND A COUPLE OF PAGES FLIP VICTOR Come back in a couple of days. Saturday. FIONA Oh, no! I've heard that one before. It's  not so late, I'll wait while you read it.  [BEAT] Besides, I need to borrow your phone  to call a cab. VICTOR [cold] I'm afraid you're doomed to  disappointment on many levels, Miss Cross.  I refuse to read on demand, and you cannot  come in. FIONA But it's miles to the nearest- VICTOR You'd better start walking. I will see you  on Saturday. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 4 SOUND DOOR OPENS. CRACKLE OF WAXED PAPER. VICTOR [warning] I am not going to--[surprised]  What is that? FIONA Lunch. You're not going to what? VICTOR You brought - FIONA If there's one thing that Hollywood taught  me, it's come prepared for a siege. You're  lucky I didn't have time to make pastrami  and onion sandwiches, though they work a  whole lot better in an office. VICTOR Work... better? FIONA Nothing like the chance you might stink up  someone's office to motivate them to give  you five minutes. VICTOR [chuckles] FIONA Want some? VICTOR What? Oh, no -I've eaten. FIONA [snort] Hospital food, I bet -all bland and  toothless. It's always like that when  someone in the house is sick. VICTOR No, [sighs, then, resigned] no -if there's  one thing Mason makes certain of, it's that  the food is good. FIONA That your butler? Or is he some kind of  nurse? VICTOR Some kind... um, something. FIONA [bright, teasing] So, did you read it yet? VICTOR There's hardly been time- FIONA [Sweetly] Then why waste it talking to me? VICTOR [sad] It's not something I get to do very  often. Talking. To someone. FIONA Read the script, and I promise I'll come  back and talk up a storm. SOUND DISTANT THUNDER VICTOR [sigh, pause] Speaking of storms, it looks  like rain. If you need to walk back to  town, you'd best get started. FIONA I'm a farm girl. We're built tough. And  reasonably waterproof. VICTOR [chuckle ruefully] SOUND DOOR SHUTS. MUSIC TIME PASSES   SCENE 5 SOUND CRICKETS, NIGHT SOUNDS, RAIN [a beat] DOOR  OPENS VICTOR Tsk. Do you know what time it is? FIONA Judging from the position of the stars, what  little I can see of them -my watch says  about 9. VICTOR [a beat, then] I read it. FIONA [gasps, then tight] And? VICTOR It's brilliant. FIONA Really? VICTOR Here's your release. My lawyer can validate  it in the morning. FIONA Oh! I could kiss you [SHE DOES] VICTOR [shaken] I... Miss Cross...! FIONA Fiona. You know, you really do look like  your father. You're lucky. He was really  something, back in the day. It's those  eyes. VICTOR Yes, I... [with emphasis] He... SOUND CAR APPROACHES, STOPS. VICTOR What? Who the devil--? FIONA My cab. I arranged for it to pick me up at 9. Siege or not, I'm not sleeping on  anyone's doorstep but my own. Thanks again! SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. FIONA [off] ...and if you're ever in town...! VICTOR [yelling slightly] Of course...! SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS SOUND HOUSE DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN. VICTOR [sadly to self] ...not. SOUND SLOW FOOTSTEPS ACROSS THE PORCH. MUSIC   SCENE 6 SOUND TENNIS, CROWD, IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT. MARGIE So, they loved it. Did you write yourself a  part? FIONA What? MARGIE Oh, come on-don't tell me you only aspire  to be the pen and not the face? FIONA I just enjoy writing. I'm in complete  control of the world. Everyone in my story  has to listen to me and do what I say. MARGIE But acting is where the fame is. FIONA Who wants fame? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 33, Court 1 is open. MARGIE Are we getting close? SOUND RUSTLE OF PAPER FIONA Should be next. MARGIE So you're in it for the money? FIONA No... I guess... I'm in it to ... to see it  happen. MARGIE [pause] Are you explaining or should I order  another drink? FIONA I want to see things from my imagination up  there on the screen. I want to create  something that people will remember. MARGIE And you don't want to be famous or rich?  You're nuts. FIONA Rich would be OK, but famous just means you  never get away. That must be why Mr.  Malacard lives out in the country -to get  away from the craziness. MARGIE Craziness? In Hollywood? Perish the  thought! [pause] So, can I have your part? FIONA [laughs] There aren't really any good  female roles in the House on the Peak. MARGIE Will I sound hopelessly undereducated if I  admit I've never actually seen this fabulous  item? FIONA You never--? Where did you grow up, a cave?  I mean even in Piggottsville, it showed for  three whole nights -and then each year near  Halloween. I think the theater proprietress musta had a thing for Malacard. MARGIE Spare me the down home gossip and tell me  about this masterpiece. FIONA Well, it's sort of modeled on this story by  Edgar Allen Poe- MARGIE Didja have to get permission from him, too? FIONA Shush. He's been dead for -I dunno, a  century? Besides, it's not really the same  idea, just the tone. See, there's this guy  who goes home after his father's death, to  see his twin brother who he hasn't seen in  years- MARGIE Which one was your mysterious actor? FIONA Oh, Victor Malacard played both brothers.  It was groundbreaking at the time -using  cutaways and doubles- MARGIE Is this important? FIONA [chuckles] I guess not. But the brother  who'd been away was a man of the world, very  caught up in business, and the one who  stayed was a strange lonely man who talked  to himself- MARGIE [sarcastic] In a silent film, no less. FIONA [agreeing] Malacard was a genius. They've  got their eye on this new fellow -he was in  that film, "Laura"- MARGIE Stick to the point! FIONA Tsk. So it turns out the house is alive,  and must have a family member in residence  or it will die. But the one who stayed  would live forever, barring falling out of a  window, which is what'd happened to their  father. MARGIE Foul play? FIONA You got it -turns out one of the sons had  killed dear old dad to take his place as  head of the family, and live forever. MARGIE Was it the creepy one? VOICE ON P.A. [filter] Number 34, court 3 is open. SOUND GLASS PUT DOWN, BAGS SNATCHED UP FIONA I'll tell you whodunnit... but only if you  beat me. MUSIC   SCENE 7 SOUND CAR DOOR SLAMS. FEET ON GRAVEL. FEET SLOW DOWN. FIONA Oh. Hullo! SOUND CAB DRIVES AWAY VICTOR I heard you coming. FIONA Oh, and here I thought old Igor your butler  was a warlock or something. VICTOR Mason is a lot of things, but--[pause]  What's that? More scripts? FIONA No, silly. It's a picnic. VICTOR A what--? FIONA Pic. Nic. Food to eat outside so as not to  bother those inside whom shall not be named. VICTOR But, you- FIONA I promised I would talk up a storm, didn't  I? If Hollywood taught me one thing, it's  to keep my promises. VICTOR Well. [bemused, but pleased] Very well,  then. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL. DOOR OPENS [OFF]. MASON [off] Sir? VICTOR [calling] Don't worry, I'll stay where you  can see me. MASON [off] Very good, sir. FIONA Wow, he sure keeps you on a short leash. VICTOR [deep with meaning] So true. FIONA Well, this looks good -and see, there's a  window right there where your keeper can  peep out and make sure nothing improper  happens. SOUND BLANKET SPREAD, THINGS BEING TAKEN OUT OF  PICNIC BASKET VICTOR [deep sigh] FIONA [sincere] I do understand. My gramma raised  me -she was from the old country, very wild  Irish, and hospitals would never, never do.  So when she took ill at the end, I had to  look after her. And the farm. Just the two  of us, right up til she passed. VICTOR So being tired of the sticks, you came right  out to Hollywood, no training wheels or  anything? FIONA Oh, I figure I'll go back someday -not to  the farm, but to the country. Being down  here -well, down there -is tough -there  are so many people everywhere. VICTOR Better than being lonely- FIONA You can be lonely in a crowd just as easy as  on a farm, and it's much noisier. The  crowd, I mean. VICTOR More material for your writing. FIONA I don't agree. I figure growing up pretty  much alone is why I have such a good  imagination. Keeping myself occupied,  making up folks to talk to. VICTOR [moving in romantically] And you enjoyed my  --my father's film so much that you decided  to put words to it? FIONA [slightly breathless] I... I didn't so much  write them as sort of translate what he  already said. VICTOR [deep and husky] And very well too. FIONA [gasp, deeply important] Before this goes  any further, I have to say something. VICTOR [snapping out of it] I--we--of course, we  shouldn't- FIONA Since the studio is picking up the cost of  lunch, we have to talk business. I hope you  don't mind. VICTOR [vastly relieved, deep breath] Of course.  Mm, that smells good. No pastrami and  onions? FIONA [laughing] No. [serious] See, the studio  wants to know if we can add a girl -a  romance -to the story. Seems everything  just has to have a love interest these days. VICTOR [sharp] A what? FIONA And a happy ending. They don't want- VICTOR No! Under no circumstances! They're not  going to ruin my--[through gritted teeth]  my... father's vision -with sentimental  claptrap. FIONA [teasing] Really? Sentimental claptrap is  all the rage nowadays. [change of tone,  satisfied] Good. That's what I thought,  but they won't listen to me. Business over. VICTOR But you- FIONA Oh, don't get me wrong, I like romance as  much as the next girl, but it would weaken  the drama. Try a taste of this. VICTOR Um, yes. [takes a bite] That's -mmm,  that's delicious. The drama, you say? Have  you been writing for very long? FIONA This is my first script. That I've  completed, anyway. I've got lots of ideas,  but this one just sort of made me finish it.  It's a bit of an obsession, I guess. VICTOR You should write more. It was very good.  [pause, then throaty] Maybe... romance...  next time. FIONA [oblivious] Maybe. I guess it's easier to  write what you know, though. VICTOR [still making his move] Really? No romance  on the horizon, no beau back home on the  farm? FIONA [reacting, almost breathless] No -no one.  I've ... never... not really, anyway... Oh.  [long indrawn breath, then a teasing  whisper] Your butler's watching us. VICTOR [breaks away] Blast! I can't even--!  [muttered growl] Look at him. [heavy sigh,  then businesslike] This has been very  pleasant, Miss Cross, but I must go- SOUND GETS UP, FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL, MOVING QUICKLY FIONA Hmph? SOUND BITING A CARROT MUSIC   SCENE 8 SOUND BUSY LUNCH COUNTER MARGIE So do you make a habit of scaring off men? FIONA Well -there was this boy back at Jefferson  junior high ... No, I'm teasing. I've  never had much of a chance to try -guess  I'm just a natural. MARGIE And he was circling in for the kill, ready  to land a knockout, when- FIONA The ref appeared and he threw in the towel.  You don't usually think of grown men as  needing a chaperone. MARGIE Maybe he's old fashioned and is trying to  look out for your reputation or something. FIONA Old fashioned I would buy. He's got this  courtly way about him...just like his  father, at least the way he was on the  screen. This sort of graceful way of moving  that expresses so much. MARGIE And what was he expressing just before the  bell rang to call the match? FIONA Well... [blushing] He wasn't afraid -I can  say that for sure. MUSIC   SCENE 9 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL VICTOR You found your way back? FIONA The picnic was to thank you. Now I'm  buttering you up in case I want to remake  another one of your father's films. VICTOR So what's in the bag this time? Dare I  guess? FIONA No, silly. It's a surprise. I figure, not  leaving the house much, you don't get to  have a lot of fun. VICTOR My... father- FIONA Exactly. So, I figured I'd bring the some  to you. VICTOR Fun? FIONA I remembered you had a swimming pool. VICTOR Pool? But--But there's no water- FIONA And swimsuits don't clank. SOUND CLANK OF SOMETHING METAL IN BAG VICTOR Then, what--? FIONA We-e-ell, can we go look at the pool? VICTOR Uh--yes? SOUND FEET ON GRASS FIONA I hope you don't mind my coming up here like  this. I'm just so exuberant. Or is that  the right word? VICTOR Well, you sound exuberant to me. FIONA Aha, the pool. Oh, good, it's nice and  clean. VICTOR Mason sees to the grounds as well as the  house. FIONA So, here. SOUND CLANK AS BAG IS SET DOWN, UNTYING OF KNOT VICTOR I--I'm intrigued. What do you have there? FIONA Keep in mind, I'm kind of unsophisticated,  here. Another girl might have brought  champagne or something. I hope this isn't  too disappointing. SOUND METAL CLANK VICTOR I can't even tell what those are -I see  metals and wheels, and- FIONA Silly, it's roller skates! MUSIC   SCENE 10 MARGIE Roller skates? You had a chance to romance  a bigwig, and you took him roller skates? FIONA The pool was perfect -I couldn't resist. MARGIE And the two of you rolled around the bottom  of the pool like children? FIONA More or less. Well, mostly me. He was a  bit too dignified to give it a fair shake. MARGIE But you didn't roll around like grownups? FIONA What? MARGIE Nothing. MUSIC   SCENE 11 SOUND CAR DRIVES AWAY, FEET ON GRAVEL FIONA Hello? [beat, then chuckles] Maybe he  didn't see me coming, for once? SOUND FOOTSTEPS IN LEAVES FIONA Hello? How tragic. A perfectly good cab  ride wasted. [worried] Maybe his father's  not doing well. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON Miss? FIONA Oh, gosh -sorry! I guess I kind of  expected Vic to be around somewhere. He  usually is. MASON He's busy. Inside. [ominous] Would you  like to come in? FIONA Oh, Vic said it's- MASON It's no problem. Really. FIONA Sure. Thanks a lot. SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL FIONA I can always, go, you know. I don't want to  be a bother. MASON No bother. You're quite welcome here. SOUND FOOTSTEPS SLOW A BIT ON THE WOODEN STAIRS FIONA It'll be interesting to see inside. VICTOR [distant] Fiona? Is that you? SOUND RUNNING FEET APPROACH VICTOR [angry, worried] What's going on? Mason?  [beat] Fiona? FIONA Just looking for you. Mason said you might  be inside. VICTOR [angry hiss] Inside? Get out of here,  Fiona. Just go. We'll be talking about  this, Mason. SOUND FOOTSTEPS DOWN STAIRS INTO GRAVEL FIONA [puzzled] Victor? VICTOR [whispered] I don't want you going in and...  catching anything. Understand? FIONA All right. Um, sorry? VICTOR [cold] Goodbye. [up] Mason! MUSIC   SCENE 12 GEORGE [very serious] Thank you for coming in, Miss  Cross. We have a bit of a problem. FIONA You couldn't get that actor, Price? GEORGE More serious than that. [heavy pause]  Mr. Malacard. FIONA What happened? Is Vic's dad OK? GEORGE Sorry, I meant the son. He rang up  yesterday and said, well... said you've been  pestering him. FIONA [shocked] ...pestering? GEORGE Yes. He said he'll pull the permission for  the film if you bother him again. FIONA [nearly in tears] B-but... I--He never  said- GEORGE [fatherly] Just lay off, at least until the  film is finished. Once it's in  distribution, you can pester him all you  want. FIONA Oh! [sobbing] SOUND CHAIR SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR BANGS  OPEN. MUSIC   SCENE 13 SOUND COCKTAIL LOUNGE, MANY ROWDY PEOPLE IN  BACKGROUND FIONA [very down] Pestering. That's what he  said. Apparently. Vic couldn't even tell  me to my face, [breaking down into tears] he  had to send it through- MARGIE There, there. [calls] Waiter! Bring  another one. [half whispered] A double. FIONA No. I really shouldn't. [moping again] I  guess I deserve it -he didn't say I could  come back, but... The picnic was NICE.  Everything was nice. He was nice. Real  nice. I thought. MARGIE They all seem nice -say, you didn't let him  ... have his wicked way with you, didja? FIONA What? No! [melting] I mean, he almost  kissed me at the picnic, but the butler was  watching. MARGIE That's it, then. The butler did it.  Probably threatened to quit or something.  Good help is a lot harder to find in this  town than pretty girls. [lecturing] Most  servants are just actors waiting to be  discovered -they're just not very good, or  they'd be able to act like servants. FIONA [almost a laugh] Hmph. MARGIE That's better. What you need is a night at  a dance hall -meet some nice guys, wear  yourself out, then you can sleep. I  promise, all you'll be worrying about in the  morning is your bunions. MUSIC   SCENE 14 SOUND PERSISTENT CITY NIGHT NOISES. SOUND PHONE RINGS, OFF [PAUSE] THEN POUNDING ON A  DOOR FIONA [waking] Yes? Mm-what? LANDLADY [very annoyed] Phone for you. MUSIC   SCENE 15 SOUND CAB PULLS UP, DOOR SLAMS, RUNNING FEET ON  GRAVEL FIONA [panting] SOUND FEET RUN UP WOOD STAIRS, POUNDING ON DOOR FIONA Hello? Hello? SOUND DOOR SWINGS OPEN MASON [very calm] Oh, good. Come in. FIONA Mason? What happened? You said it was an  emergency? SOUND FOOTSTEPS, DOOR CLOSES, FOOTSTEPS CONTINUE  UNDER MASON This way, miss. FIONA [getting more panicky] But, is Vic hurt?  Did his father...? What could he --what  could he want me here for? MASON Through here. SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON The master will be right in, Miss. SOUND DOOR SLAMS SHUT. FIONA [gasp, then yelling] You could at least  turn on a light! [to herself] Which  master? Maybe I'll finally- SOUND DOOR OPENS MASON [off] Just through here, sir. SOUND RELUCTANT FOOTSTEPS MASON [off, condescending] I think this will help  with your --mood, sir. VICTOR [coming on] I can't think of anything worth  getting me up in the middle of the--Fiona?  [truly upset] MASON [off, condescending] Now everything will be  better. FIONA Oh, Vic, I shouldn't have come. I'm so  sorry! Please don't- VICTOR Oh, no! No! FIONA But Mason called me. He said- VICTOR Mason! That filthy--!! SOUND DOOR SLAM CUTS HIM OFF FIONA What is it? VICTOR We must get you out of here! SOUND RUNNING FEET, POUNDING ON WINDOWS, TRYING TO  GET THEM TO OPEN FIONA I don't understand, Vic? VICTOR Blast it Fiona, help me. FIONA No. I want to know what's going on. VICTOR Is this one of those things Hollywood taught  you? Take a bad situation and make it  worse? FIONA No. Oh, here [grunt as she helps try and  push] I wasn't going to ... to not help.  I'm just confused. VICTOR [grunt, then angry noise] No use, they're  sealed. FIONA They are glass. There must be a chair or  something- VICTOR It's never that easy -trust me. This way.  Come on. SOUND RUNNING FEET, SLAM AGAINST CLOSED DOOR BOTH are getting BREATHLESS FIONA Locked! VICTOR Maybe down here! SOUND MORE RUNNING FOOTSTEPS FIONA Don't you know your own house? VICTOR [harsh laugh] Don't slow down. SOUND RUNNING, SCRAMBLE, RATTLE OF LOCKED DOOR FIONA Victor, wait! VICTOR No! I will NOT let him get you! SOUND POUNDING ON DOOR, BUT SLOWER VICTOR [sobs] I won't let IT! FIONA Victor. Breathe, Victor! VICTOR I'm so sorry, Fiona. I don't understand why  it brought you here. FIONA It? Oh! [dawning] Um, I guess everyone  agreed the story needed a bit of romance. VICTOR What? FIONA Your house. It's just like the film -or  close to it -isn't it? VICTOR How could you think--How could you know? FIONA I told you I have a good imagination. VICTOR But you- FIONA And you're the one and only Victor Malacard. VICTOR You're mad! I would have to be- FIONA Almost 60. I looked it up. And you don't  look a day over 35. Coincidentally, the age  you were when you went into seclusion. You  look like him, move like him -even the way  your lips move when you talk -not even  father and son can be THAT much alike. VICTOR It's... the house. FIONA And Mason? VICTOR Mason's not a... person. Just part of it.  The house. He... speaks for it. FIONA And watches over you. VICTOR Keeps me prisoner, you mean. [sadly] And  now, you too. Fiona, I am so dreadfully- FIONA Shh. [calling] Mason? I want to talk to  you -whatever you are. MASON [deep, on filter] Yes miss? VICTOR [yelling] You let her go, you wretch! FIONA Shh. Victor. It'll be fine. VICTOR No...! FIONA Yes. [SOUND -brief kiss] If there's one  thing I learned in Hollywood, it's there's  always room for negotiation. [calling,  sweetly] Mason? MUSIC, fades into-   SCENE 15 MUSIC 1960S BUBBLEGUM POP ON A TINNY RADIO,  DISTANT, WITH BIRDS AND OUTDOOR NOISES.   SOUND MOTORCYCLE APPROACHES, STOPS FIONA [coming on] Ah! Over here, Bobby! Oh! I  was expecting- ANDY Sorry! I'm Andy -Bobby retired. FIONA [chuckles] It's so hard to keep track.  Well, then, Andy. Do you have my packages? SOUND LOADING UP WITH PACKAGES AS HE SPEAKS ANDY Yup, packages from Woolworth's and Mays, a  big bundle of magazines, and here's one from  the studio -a film canister -gee do you  have your own theater? That's way out  there, man, I mean ma'am. FIONA [chuckles] Just leave everything on the  porch. The butler will see that it all gets  inside in one piece. And here's my latest  screenplay -hardly a fair trade, but an  easier trip, eh? Get it to George -no,  wait... I mean Harold, don't I? Harold  Mills is in production these days, right? SOUND SCRIPT CHANGES HANDS ANDY Umm... [working up to say something] So  you're Fiona Cross Malacard? The one who  wrote Trapped by Love? That was a groovy  flick, even if it is kind of ancient. FIONA Well, thank you, Andy. [chuckles] I guess. ANDY But you don't look--I mean, you're really  much--oh, criminee. I mean to say- FIONA You're trying not to say I must be older  than I look? ANDY Uh-huh. FIONA I'll take the compliment. I put it down to  clean country air, good healthy food... VICTOR [way off] Fiona? Was that the deliveries? FIONA ...and a wonderful husband. ANDY Having servants don't hurt neither, eh? FIONA [ironic] No -no, it don't. MUSIC TO END  

This chapter is dedicated to Stephen Hibbs, because it was written early in the mornings during the school lockdown at the start of 2021 when I was working remotely as a teacher in a school in an empty classroom by myself, which was really lonely and difficult. Stephen called me every day to help me get through it. What a total legend.Previously on Saga of the Jewels…Seventeen year old Ryn's hometown is attacked by General Vorr of the Empire and everyone he has ever known is killed. Just before he dies, Ryn's father gives him a ruby, which causes him to project fire. Ryn is captured by the Empire and meets another captive, Princess Nuthea, who has the ability to project lightning. Nuthea explains to him that the Empire have learned of the existence of twelve Primeval Jewels which grant the ability to manipulate different elements, and are searching for them. The Imperial vessel where they are being held is in turn attacked by a pirate airship, and the pirates capture Ryn and Nuthea. The lead pirate, Captain Sagar, agrees to escort Nuthea back to her homeland, and to spare Ryn's life, in exchange for the promise of gold, gemstones and beautiful women upon her safe delivery. They land in the port city of Ast and recruit an engineer called Elrann. Ast is then attacked by the Empire, who are using the Fire Ruby to invade the continent and search for more of the Jewels. Ryn, Nuthea, Sagar and Elrann flee the city together, but are then attacked by a bounty hunter, Vish. They manage to subdue the bounty hunter but Nuthea is gravely wounded in the process. Ryn beats Sagar to the hunter's mount and rushes Nuthea to the nearest town where he finds a healer, Cid, a mysterious old man who saves the princess's life with his arts and asks to join the traveling party, saying that he believes it is the purpose of ‘the One', the god that he and Nuthea each worship. On leaving the town the party is pursued by an enormous dog-like monster driven by a troop of Imperial soldiers. The party manage to escape with the help of Vish, who fights on their side in exchange for Cid supplying his poppy-seed habit. Cid reveals that he was once a member of another adventuring party who set out to find the twelve Primeval Jewels, but failed. The party now press on towards the next stop on their journey, the capital city of Sirra…The night after they escaped from the monstrous dog, Ryn slept better than he had in a long time, probably from exhaustion. They slept outside, wrapped in thick gray woolspun cloaks that Cid had brought with him from Nonts--one for each of them--along with his other food supplies. They slept on the grassy earth under a roof decorated with myriad stars, having finally made it out of the woods that surrounded Nonts, although they kept close to the tree cover in case they were attacked again and needed to flee into it. They set a watch, and took turns taking it, and Ryn was glad to have one of the later watches of the night which meant he could get a good chunk of sleep before Elrann invariably shook him groggily awake and whispered “Your turn, farmboy.”They rode for the better part of each day, stopping only to eat from the provisions that Cid had brought with him--bread, hard cheese, some salt beef, watery wine, and the odd apple. It would take them five or so days of chocobo riding to get to Sirra, Cid said.The terrain mostly consisted of flat fields, though it did rise and fall from time to time, making the chocobos work harder to carry them, and here and there it was dotted with little woods and forests, which they made good headway through, re-checking their direction of travel against the traversing sun whenever they emerged back into the open fields.They looked over their shoulders constantly as they rode, and continued to set watches at night, but for now no more Imperials came their way, nor monstrous dogs, nor Shadowfingers, despite Vish's insistence that there were others on the hunt for them. They seemed to have escaped the grasp of the Empire by running away on their chocobos, at least for now. In fact, looking out over the flat green fields only occasionally interrupted by a fence or a farmstead or a forest, with the bright sun lighting up the clear blue sky and their route ahead of them, you could almost be forgiven for forgetting that this country had recently been invaded by the Empire at all.“But that's only because we're in the provincial grasslands on the far outskirts of Sirra, pup,” Sagar explained from his mount on the second day when Ryn voiced this thought. Ryn was still bitter that Sagar got to ride with Nuthea, while he was stuck riding his bird with Vish. “When we get to the city--you'll see--that's where the fighting will have been. That's where those airships were headed when they left us behind in Ast.”In the tiny amount of free time that Ryn got between sleeping, eating and riding, he practiced his flame projection powers and his swordsmanship. Nuthea had told him that he needed to practice his flame projection in order to grow in skill and increase the amount of time he was able to use it before he grew too tired, which she said was linked to something called his ‘mana reserve', so he took every spare moment that he got to practice forming little flames in his hands, concentrating hard to hold them in existence, then deliberately willing them to extinguish. “That's it--you have to practice commanding the element into existence, then shutting it off again,” Nuthea said one evening when observing him practice, nodding sagely. Ryn was glad of the excuse to spend time with her. “Then, once you've mastered that, you can focus on manipulating it--making particular forms and shapes, and sending them in directions that you choose.”Ryn sometimes ‘practiced his flames', as he came to think of it, when he was on watch too, but he had to be careful doing that as he didn't want to give away their presence to any prowling Imperials or Shadowfingers that might be on their trail. Once he accidentally lit a flame too bright and it woke Sagar up, who swore loudly and in turn woke the whole of the rest of the group up. They were a grumpy traveling party on that particular morning.The other thing Ryn practiced was swordfighting. When they had set out after defeating the dog-monster near Nonts, he had made sure to take the sword from one of the corpses of the Imperial soldiers who had been chasing them. Cid, who had also taken one of the Imperial's blades and somehow knew swordfighting despite his profession, offered to teach Ryn. Ryn wondered whether Sagar was actually better with a sword, but Cid seemed to know what he was doing, and Ryn felt he would much prefer to be taught by Cid than Sagar. So in the few remaining moments between riding, sleeping, eating and practicing his flames, he practiced with his sword with Cid a little way away from the rest of the group, following the old man's instructions in swinging, thrusting, blocking and parrying as they traded carefully pre-agreed blows. Sometimes when people fell quiet on the long rides during the day, or during his night watches before he started practicing his element-projection, Ryn tried to remember his life before any of this had happened--before the Empire had attacked his hometown. The trouble was, he couldn't. Of course, some memories stood out, which he clung to like solid rocks in a seething, foggy sea of despair. His birth-day celebrations with mother and father. Racing the farm chocobos out in the woods with Jaq and Fargu on seventhdays. Making Carlotia laugh in the classroom at the town school. It wasn't as if all of this had happened very long ago. But even these memories were growing faint, the light and colour fading from them as time passed. He found he could no longer remember any of their faces clearly. And they all threatened to be swallowed up by the one single big memory that loomed large in his mind, that his mind didn't seem to be able to let go of: His mother and father being killed, and his hometown being destroyed. The thoughts of all that, the images of the sword going into his mother's chest, the burning buildings, and the light going out of his father's eyes, never really left him. They came to him unbidden, again and again, when he was riding, when he was talking to Nuthea and the others, while he was eating, making water or before he fell asleep. Mother. Father. Hometown. It was like his mind was obsessed with the events and couldn't let them go, and nor could he move on from them either. It was torture. Once he had recovered from the exhaustion of escaping Nonts, he continued to re-live the whole thing again and again in his sleep. Sometimes he would wake in the night shouting at the memories, as he had done when Cid had revived him from his sword-wound, sometimes with whimpers and moans, which was extremely embarrassing. Rarely, if ever, did he wake up feeling refreshed. His nerves were constantly frayed and his head ached all the time.There was only one way out, as far as he could see:Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr.What he would do after that, if he ever managed it, he did not know. There was only ever one other vague notion that now occasionally presented itself in his mind:Stay with Nuthea?*Late on their sixth day of riding, sore and sleepy, they sighted Sirra.The first things they saw were lights. Where they had been riding for what felt to Ryn's backside like an age over grasslands and fields that turned black with dusk, all at once little pinpricks of light appeared in the blackness.A few leagues further and the pinpricks turned out to have been the lights of hearths and candles in the homes of a smaller settlement on the outskirts of the city of Sirra.“There are lots of these smaller towns on the edges of Sirra,” said Elrann, who knew the city best. “As you get nearer to it they get denser and denser until you're properly in the city and everything is paved streets.”They rode on past the buildings, and some curtains twitched. They got glimpses of people staring out at them for brief moments.“Why is nobody outside?” said Ryn from atop his mount with Vish. “Why is nobody coming out to greet us?”“Why d'you think, pup?” said Sagar. “They're scared. They've been invaded--they're under occupation. We haven't seen any soldiers out here, but you can bet when we get to Sirra proper it will be crawling with them.”Ryn's cheeks flushed hot. Stupid question.Despite the fact that with every chocobo-step they took closer to Sirra they got closer to danger, they rode on. They had discussed the plan in detail two days ago.“What are we actually going to do when we get to Sirra?” Ryn had asked as they had been riding over the Imfisi plains.“We've been over this,” said Sagar. “We're going to board a train to Manolia.”Ryn had never been on a train before but he knew what they were.   “But will the trains really still be running,” said Elrann, “if Morekemia have occupied Imfis?”“Not for their usual purposes,” said Sagar “but I'd be willing to gamble good money that the Empire will have reappropriated them. If they've flown in a load of soldiers here to occupy Imfis with a military presence, the Emperor is probably planning to use Imfis as his base of operations in Dokan. If he's doing that, he'll need good control of the whole country, especially its borders. In the long run, it would be easier to also move soldiers to and from the borders using the Imfisi train system, rather than having to fly them every time. That means he'll still be using the trains.”“But how are we going to get on a train?” Elrann pressed. “Most of us are probably wanted by the Empire now, with bounties on our heads.”“Just you leave that to me, woman,” said Sagar. “Don't forget that you're riding with a legendary pirate captain here.”Elrann snorted, and Sagar had either not heard her or pretended not to hear her from his chocobo.They sold their three chocobos to an innkeeper in one of the smaller settlements on the outskirts of Sirra, for a healthy fifty gold pieces each, after a hearty meal of beans and mashed potatoes in his common room. If everything went to plan from herein then they wouldn't need them for the rest of the journey on to Manolia.“Don't know how you've kept hold of them this long,” said the innkeeper who bought them in a worn-out, cynical voice. “The Empire've been rounding up all the mounts and vehicles for miles around and commandeering them for their army. But I'll happily take them off your hands.”Ryn patted the beak of his chocobo, the original one that Vish had stolen which the two of them had been riding for the last three days, as he said goodbye to it in the stables. “Thanks, buddy. You saw us through a lot. Sorry for crashing you in the woods.” The chocobo cawed and nuzzled him in response. “We need to keep a low profile,” said Cid as they left the inn. “Keep those cloaks wrapped tight around you until we can find…alternative attire.” Ryn would have liked to have spent a night at the inn, but Nuthea still insisted that their mission was urgent and that they couldn't afford to waste even one night. And the next phase of their plan was going to work better under cover of darkness anyway. Sirra proper began as a cluster of tall, white-stone buildings in the middle distance and soon became tough cobbles under their feet. The cluster became a maze of streets and alleys which they wandered within. The white stone shone in the light from fires inside buildings, streetlamps, the moon.  “So this is a capital city…” said Ryn under his breath. The others didn't seem so bothered by it. He guessed they had all been in capitals before. He supposed he really was a ‘greenhorn farmboy', or whatever Elrann called him…The occasional person paced the pavement, and the odd chocobo-drawn cart passed them on the cobbled road, though not as many as Ryn would have expected. That must be because of the invasion too. Still, it was busier than Nonts. Every now and again the cramped streets would open up into a larger road or a square, with a fountain, or a statue, or a tower at its centre. And usually they would sight a patrol of Imperial soldiers somewhere on it. Whenever this happened, they turned around abruptly and went back down one of the smaller alleys. “I don't understand,” Ryn said, “I thought we were looking for Imperials.”“Yeah, but not out in the open, pup,” Sagar answered him. “We want to find them in one of the sheltered streets, but by the nature of things we're less likely to come across what we want there. It might take a while.”“Give it time,” said Cid knowingly.“Hang on,” said Sagar, “what's this?”He moved towards a series of three upright rectangles attached to the side of one of the nearby buildings.On the first piece of paper was an ink drawing of Sagar himself. The likeness was strong, right down to the eye patch, the ponytail and the cocky smile.Sagar tore the poster off the wall and inspected it more closely while Ryn looked over his shoulder.WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE, it said under the drawing. BOUNTY: 7500 GOLD PIECES.“Heh,” said Sagar. “And not my first, either!” He rolled up the poster and stuffed it down his shirt. “What?” he said when Ryn frowned at him. “The ladies love this sort of thing! How much did you say they put on the princess? 5000? I guess they value me even more highly than her…”“I wouldn't be so sure,” said Ryn, his eyes wandering to the next poster along. It was the same drawing of Nuthea as he had come across in Nonts, only this must be a more recent poster because this time it said WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE. BOUNTY: 10,000 GOLD PIECES.“Rrrr,” said Sagar. He tore that one down too, but it didn't go in his shirt.It was the next poster along that really pissed him off, though.“Ryn, you'll want to have a look at this,” said Nuthea.Ryn looked, and froze.An ink drawing of himself, complete with tousled hair, big eyes and boyish features, looked out of the third poster at him.WANTED, DEAD OR ALIVE. BOUNTY: 15,000 GOLD PIECES. HIGHLY DANGEROUS.“Well that's just ridiculous,” mumbled Sagar. “Stupid Imperials got their labeling mixed up.”“They didn't,” said Vish. “The boy used his powers in Ast. They know that he's on the loose, they know he is on this continent, and they know he has flame projection abilities.” “Well they didn't need to add that ‘highly dangerous' bit…” muttered Sagar.“They clearly view those as more dangerous than wind projection,” Vish continued explaining, “and even than lightning projection.”Sagar didn't say anything.Ryn could not keep a warm glow of satisfaction from lighting up his mind for a moment.Just a moment.“Well this just makes things even harder,” said Elrann. “What are we going to do about this?”“There's nothing we can do,” said Cid. “But it's all the more reason to keep a low profile and find our disguises as soon as we can. Come on, let's keep looking.”They found what they were looking for soon after that, down another of the side streets.“Stop,” hissed Cid all of a sudden, and held up his hand. “There. At last. Do you see them?”He pointed. In the distance at the end of the enclosed, built-up street was a smaller group of Imperial soldiers out on patrol. Thankfully, they were walking away from Ryn and his companions, or else they would have been spotted, which probably wouldn't end well—a patrol would surely not take kindly to a group of armed vagabonds wandering the streets of an occupied city at night. As usual, they wore the black plate armour and bucket-like helmets of all Imperial soldiers. Ryn did a quick count of them before the soldiers turned a corner down another street and disappeared from view.“I counted five,” he said.“Five is fine,” said Vish. “I can remain as I am. I look like an Imperial Shadowfinger. Because that is, after all, what I am.”“Was,” said Nuthea.Vish didn't reply.“Whatever,” said Sagar. “We'll still need your help for this though, much as I hate to say it. Right, listen, here's what we'll do: They've just turned left down that street over there, so I reckon if we turn and go down there then our path will join up with theirs again and we can give them the jump.”“Got it,” said Ryn, nodding with the others, happy to defer to the Sagar's wisdom in all matters of ambush, deception and theft. They crept their way down the street that Sagar had indicated. The skycaptain whispered to them while they walked: “Now listen: They're armed, of course, but I only saw swords—and none of them drawn at that. No bows or crossbows. They look completely off guard to me—it doesn't seem like Sirra has put up much of a resistance to this invasion, or if it did then it's clearly been crushed. So I don't think they'll be expecting us at all. This'll be like harpooning a skywhale on a clear day. Now, woman, don't go using those pistols of yours, as they'll alert others to what we're doing--”“Well, obviously, said Elrann, rolling her eyes. “Do you think I was born yesterday, pirate-man? I've got almost as much skyship experience as you do. I'll use my whip.”“Good,” said Sagar, ignoring her jibes for once. “I've got my swords. Scumsucker, you've got your poison blade and…whatever else it is you're carrying. Princess and old timer, you can stay in the back, but you've got your lightning and your healing abilities if things go south—they shouldn't, though.”“Hey, what about me?” said Ryn.The pirate glanced sidelong at him. “What about you, pup?”“I can fight too.”“You just try to stay out of the way and to not get hurt.”Ryn's irritation boiled over. “But I don't want to stay at the back.” He heard himself saying it like a petulant child, but he couldn't help it. “I want to be up front with you, Elrann and Vish. I've been practicing my swordsmanship with Cid.”“Rrrr,” said Sagar under his breath. “Fine, pup. I suppose we could use one more up front, seeing as we're trying to take down five of them. You've got your fire, I suppose, but we only want to use that in an emergency. Ok then; use that sword you took from the soldiers Vish killed back near Nonts. You think you can handle being up front after last time?” “Yes,” Ryn said defiantly, trying not to pay attention to the memory of being impaled that flashed in his mind. If something went really wrong, Cid could always heal him like last time. Although he wasn't in a hurry to go through the experience of almost dying again. “Good, I'm glad that's settled,” said Nuthea. “But that's still only four of you up front, when there are five soldiers. You're still one short. I don't want to use my lightning at all if I can help it, as it will attract attention. And you are only going to render them unconscious, aren't you? You're not going to kill them.” “What?!” Said Sagar. He practically squeaked it, so loud that Cid said “Shhh!” and they froze in their tracks for a moment. They waited to hear if anyone had taken notice of them, to see if anyone would come running,. Only the silence of the high-walled alley they were creeping down answered. Ryn exhaled relief.“What?” Sagar said again, more quietly this time, as they resumed walking. “You can't be serious, princess…” “But I am,” said Nuthea. “No unnecessary deaths. The One would not approve. We only kill in self-defence, if we really have to.”“That's completely stupid,” said Sagar. “I've had enough of this One stuff…there's no way we're only knocking them out. We've got a much better chance of stealing their armour if we kill them first.”“Captain Sagar, may I remind you that you are my escort on this mission? I am the one you are taking to Manolia.”“So what?”“So, if you don't carry out my wishes, it may affect the amount and nature of your reward when you successfully deliver me back to my people.”A muscle in Sagar's jaw twitched. “Rrrrrrrrrrr.” That was a big one, thought Ryn. “Fine. We can aim to knock them out. But it's not a precise art. If I accidentally kill one or two of them in the process, I can't be held responsible.”“That's all I ask,” said Nuthea, tilting her head back with a flutter of her eyelids. “That you try.”“What's the best way to knock someone out?” Ryn asked, testing the weight of the Imperial sword in its scabbard and suddenly feeling even more out of his depth. His mouth had gone dry.Sagar looked at him.“What? I've never done it before.” “Do you really need to ask, pup?” said Sagar. “You just hit them really hard in the head with the hilt of your sword or something. If we get this right, we'll be pouncing on them from behind, so you should have plenty of time to aim. They shouldn't see us coming. Easy pickings.”“What about their helmets?“If you hit them hard enough, you should be able to knock them out through their helmets. Or if you really want to you can get that off them first, but I wouldn't recommend it.”Ryn's palms were clammy. He gripped the sword tighter. “Alright. But like Nuthea said, there's still only four of us going in close, and five of them.”“Just leave that to me,” said Vish all of a sudden. “I can take out two of them at once. At least,” he added. Was he smirking underneath his face covering?By now they had arrived at the end of the street, where it met the one they hoped the patrol they had spotted was now walking down at a right angle.“Wait here,” said Sagar. “Get low.”Ryn crouched with the others with their backs against the nearest building, keeping themselves from view to wait for the patrol to go past. The stone of the building was cold against his back even through his cloak. There wasn't much light to see by here. He could hear Nuthea shivering slightly next to him. On his other side, Vish's silhouette crouched perfectly still, like a cat waiting to pounce. Sagar crept to the corner of the building and very slowly peeked his head round it with his good eye.No sooner had he put his head round, than he drew it straight back again.“Perfect,” he whispered with a wolfish grin. “They're coming this way, just like we hoped. They didn't see me. We wait here until they've gone past, then jump them from behind. Got it?”Ryn nodded his silent assent with the others. They shuffled along the wall a little deeper into their own street to make sure they were as concealed as possible, keeping to the many available shadows.“Right,” said Sagar. “Everyone, draw your weapons and wait for my signal.”The secret scrape of three swords being slid quietly from their sheaths. Elrann rummaged in her overall and uncoiled her whip.They waited. And waited.Just the dimness of the street. Ryn suddenly became very interested in one particular cobblestone, and tried not to pay attention to his imaginations of the violence about to take place.The soldiers' faint footsteps came into earshot from around the corner, then slowly grew louder, along with their conversation.“…has to be the easiest invasion the Empire has ever carried out.”“I know. But we were starting from a pretty strong place to begin with. Imfis is a vassal state after all, and they don't have anything in the way of an army.”“Yeah, but I mean, even so, these people barely put up any resistance at all. Just a few boys and men with death wishes. The rest of them basically rolled over and surrendered.” The soldiers came into view now, all five of them in black plate armour, and……turned down the street that Ryn and his companions were waiting in.Oh poodoo.The soldiers took a couple of steps into the street. They hadn't seen their crouching ambushers yet.“It's like they wanted to be occupied,” said the one who had been speaking most recently. “It's like...What the--?”He had spotted them.“NOW!” yelled Sagar.Ryn sprang forwards and made for the nearest soldier. He gripped the hilt of his sword tight and drew it back, blade up, then slammed the pommel into the soldier's helmet before he could react. It resounded like a clear bell.“Ouch!” The soldier raised his hands to his helmet, but remained standing.“Crap,” said Ryn. The soldier drew his sword, then lunged. Ryn managed to jump back out of the way. His pulse began to pound loudly between his ears. Not again.A black shape crashed into the soldier, sweeping his legs out from underneath him, then slammed another sword-pommel down onto the soldier's helmet, much harder than Ryn had managed. The soldier lay still on his back. Vish leapt away as quickly as he had arrived. Someone was shouting in surprise.Ryn turned. Two other soldiers lay unconscious at Sagar's feet. Vish dispatched another one, swiftly sliding his sword into the visor of the man's helmet, who went down with a muffled scream and clutched at his face. Nuthea's not going to be happy about that.Elrann had her whip coiled around the arm of the final soldier. Whatever she had been trying to do hadn't worked, and he had managed to draw his sword. The two of them stood frozen for a moment, sizing each other up, connected by Elrann's whip.The soldier swept his helmeted head from side to side, taking them all in.He drew in a breath, like he was about to shout for help.Ryn, Vish and Sagar all rushed him.Ryn got to him first, and this time he hit the soldier so hard with the pommel of his sword on the front of his helmet that the man went down at once. Apparently Ryn had warmed up now, and lost his battle shyness.All the soldiers were down now.“Quickly,” said Sagar. “We got unlucky. That was noisier than it should have been. We've got to strip them of their armour quickly, before anyone notices what's happened.”They got to work straight away, looking around anxiously as they did to see if anyone had spotted them. Nobody seemed to have, yet—at least they heard no cries of alarm and saw nobody else in the street for the moment. Ryn followed Sagar and Cid's instructions and knelt down next to the soldier he had just knocked out, unfastened the man's chestplate and leg-guards, and stripped him of his gauntlets. He then set about putting all of these pieces of armour on himself, over the top of his clothes. Lastly he slid off the soldier's helmet. He almost gasped when underneath he found the smooth face of a young man with a shaved head, not much older than himself. Ryn hoped that he had not done the boy any lasting damage. He slipped the helmet on over his head. At first the metal was cold against his cheeks, but it fit snugly. The black bucket-like Imperial soldiers' helmets all had a horizontal slit to see out of, which now became Ryn's window on the world.“You did not need to kill that one, Shadowfinger Vish,” Nuthea chided when the bountyhunter took the helmet off his soldier, revealing a bloody mess that used to be a face which made Ryn flinch and look away.“I made a judgment, girl,” Vish said to her. “We needed to be quick, so I acted as efficiently as I could in the situation and dispatched the soldier in the quickest way available to me.”“Hmph,” said Nuthea. She had managed to wriggle into a breastplate, which from her grimace appeared to be quite uncomfortable, and she looked absolutely ridiculous with the hem of her once-white, torn, bloodstained dress poking out of the bottom of it.“You're going to need some trousers, princess,” said Sagar, barely stifling a laugh even in their highly dangerous situation.Cid pulled some off a soldier and gave them to her. Once the trousers and the rest of her armour were on, and her dress tucked in, she looked much more like an Imperial, apart from the facts of her chestplate sticking out a bit more than normal, her feminine facial structure and her long golden hair. But she bunched that up as best she could and shoved it inside a helmet, her lip curling in revulsion as she lowered that over her head.“Urgh, it smells in here,” said Nuthea.The illusion was more or less complete. Still, hopefully nobody would look too closely at her... Elrann was having similar difficulties. “Where am I meant to put all of this?” she complained as she took things one by one out of the pockets and insides of her engineer's overalls and placed them on the ground. Her two pistols. Her whip. A spanner. A wrench. A screwdriver. She seemed to have all manner of things stuffed down there--almost as many items as Cid kept in his healer's satchel, which he was simply able to sling over a shoulder as usual over the top of his armour. “Here,” said Cid, pointing at one of the fallen soldiers. “Look. This one has a leather belt with some pouches sewn onto it. He must be some sort of Imperial engineer himself. You can use it.”“Ah, thanks pops,” said Elrann, bending down to take the belt from the soldier and inspecting the contents of its pockets. “Hey, there's some good tools in here! I could use some of these! And some of mine need replacing.” She set about filling the belt with her stuff and the items from the soldier that she wanted.“Come on, woman,” hissed Sagar, “we haven't got all night.”Once she was done and had strapped the belt around her waist she stood up, and they all surveyed each other, six ragamuffin travelers now disguised as Imperial soldiers. With the helmets on, they just about passed as them. Ryn twisted his torso from side to side, testing out the feel of the armour. His head rocked back in surprise. “It's so light,” he said. “Flimsy too,” confirmed Cid. “It's made of alphite—very plentiful in the Morekemian mountains. Alphite is light, cheap and easy to pierce. The Empire don't exactly kit their soldiers out with the finest equipment, or even train them that well. The Emperor takes more of a ‘quantity over quality' approach to warfare--” “Enough yammering,” said Sagar, who had rolled up his pirates' coat and stashed it in his pack. “We don't have time for lessons now. We need to get going.”“What do we do with them?” said Ryn, nodding towards the floored soldiers, five of them knocked out, one dead at Vish's hand.“Drag them into a dark corner,” said Sagar, “and hope they wake up later rather than sooner.” He gave Nuthea a passive-aggressive look.Together they dragged the soldiers' limp bodies further into the alley and hid them in a particularly shadowed corner behind a wooden bench. One of the still-alive soldiers started to murmur something, but Sagar hit him again, and the murmuring stopped. As far as they could tell, nobody had seen or heard them. “When these guys wake up again, they'll raise the alarm…” said Sagar, sounding regretful that they hadn't killed more of the soldiers. “By that time we will be gone,” said Nuthea. “It's worth it for a clear conscience.” Sagar tutted. “Come on, then,” he said. “We better get out of here before they do wake up.” The six of them moved off as quickly as they could, not running, as that could attract attention, but walking briskly through the darkness of the sleeping city, trying to look like a group of Imperial soldiers out on patrol. They headed north, as that was where Sirra's main train station was found, finding their way bit by bit from landmarks and key streets that those of them who had been here before remembered. Elrann knew the city best, having lived here the longest, but Sagar, Cid and even Nuthea all seemed to know or remember parts of it too. Ryn guessed that just left him and Vish. But for all he knew the Shadowfinger had been here before as well, he just wasn't letting on—not that he ever let on about all that much anyway. Ryn supposed he was the least well-traveled of their whole group. Naïve greenhorn pussywillow farmboy, ran Sagar's and Elrann's words in his mind. “Stop!” said Sagar when they finally sighted the station, still quite a long way off, as they approached it along one of the smaller streets that ran like veins to this focal hub.Sirra Main Station was a big, rectangular building with a series of pointed roofs and a massive clock-face built into the wall above its many-doored main entrance. It was built out of the same white-gray stone as many of the other old or important buildings in Sirra, but Ryn could see that it was extremely grubby in the light from the streetlamps that lit this sector of the city. And there were soldiers streaming in and out of it. There were more soldiers going in than out, but there was still a steady stream going in both directions—though thankfully the ones leaving the station were all heading off down a different street from the one their party was approaching by, the main road that led due south away from the station. “Well this makes things harder,” said Elrann. “How are we going to sneak onto a train with all these bucketheads around?” “Why are there so many of them?” asked Ryn. “I don't know, pup,” said Sagar. “But I'm going to find out. You guys wait here and make sure nobody sees you. I'll be back in a bit.” And before anyone could protest, he walked off towards the station. “He's very brave,” said Nuthea. Ryn bit his cheek. Elrann snorted. “Very stupid, if you ask me.” They kept watching Sagar as he strode towards the station. Soon they lost him amidst the stream and he was just another helmeted, black-armoured soldier walking among the crowds. They waited in the street, staying out of sight, eyes fixed on the stream, nobody saying anything else. After about ten minutes, from the clock on the front of the station, Ryn knew they were all thinking the same thing. What if he's been caught? What if he's not coming back? Ryn also wondered, What if he's decided to turn us all over to the Empire for gold? But that wouldn't make sense. Sagar had a price on his own head as well, and he seemed too enamoured by the prospect of the rewards Nuthea had offered him for transporting her safely, and possibly by Nuthea herself… Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea. There it was, firm in Ryn's mind as he watched the station intently, keenly aware of Nuthea's presence next to him. He wasn't sure if any of his goals were attainable. But damn him if he wasn't going to try to attain them anyway, he decided. If the others were all wondering if Sagar was going to come back, nobody voiced their concern, and the minutes went by, marked by the slow movement of the big black hand of Sirra Station's clock, which crept up higher and higher towards the midnight hour. Apparently everyone was too tense to say anything. They just stood there, watching the soldiers streaming in and out of the station, poised and alert like taut bowstrings. Then, at last, one of the soldiers emerging from the station entrance turned right out of the main stream and started to walk towards their position. But was this him? With the soldier's helmet still on, they couldn't know for sure. Ryn's hand went to the hilt of the Imperial sword that now hung at his side.“Relax!” called the soldier as soon as he was in earshot, but close enough not to be heard by anyone else. “It's me! Don't look so nervous!” Ryn exhaled. Sagar drew closer. “I was right,” he said from inside his helmet. “They're using Sirra as their transport hub to move troops around. This isn't just an occupation of Imfis—this is a full-scale invasion of Dokan.” “By the One…” said Nuthea. “Well, poodoo,” said Elrann. Neither Cid nor Vish said anything. Ryn's head was too foggy from grief and disorientation for him to register much of the significance of this. So what if the Empire were invading the whole of Dokan? He just wanted to kill General Vorr.“I didn't even have to ask anyone anything,” Sagar went on. “I just picked it up from walking round and listening. They've requisitioned the trains and they're running them round the clock to send troops to the various Imfisi borders to prepare to invade the neighbouring nations.” Ryn heard Nuthea take in a sharp breath. “Then they're also bringing some troops back into here to keep their grip on Imfis and perform various different tasks here as their base. It's a major operation--”“That's all well and good,” interrupted Nuthea, “but what are we going to do now we're here?” “Calm down, princess, I was getting to that. There's a train that leaves tonight, soon. At midnight. All we need to do is sneak onto it, but with the amount that's going on in there, that will be a piece of cake.” “Where is it going?” asked Ryn. “Manolia, of course,” said Sagar. “Your homeland. Or as close to the border as it will be able to get.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit sagaofthejewels.substack.com

(sorry i missed a couple of weeks - been crazy busy)   Quail Seed A timely tale of marketing and social networking. [Saki was often way ahead of his time!] Announcer - Jennifer Dixon Mr. Scarrick - John Lingard Jimmy - Will Watt Lucy - Tanja Milojevic [Lightning Bolt Theater] Boy - Reynaud LeBoeuf Man - Anthony D.P. Mann [Horror Etc.] Miss Fritten - Robyn Keyes Mrs. Greyes - Jennifer Dixon Mrs. Gordon - Judith Moore Gloria - Beverly Poole Other women - Julie Hoverson Music by Kevin McLeod (Incompetech.com) Picture by lucias_clay, found with help from Bill Jones.   Quail Seed Cast: Announcer Mr. Scarrick, shopkeeper Jimmy, Assistant Lucy, Jimmy's girl Boy Man/Beard Miss Fritten Mrs. Greyes Mrs. Gordon Miss Jones Miss Smith Gloria Mrs. Lipping   SAKI OPENING MUSIC SOUND      SHOP DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS LUCY     Hello?  Helloooo? JIMMY     [close]  Morning, Lucy! LUCY     [startled gasp]  Jimmy! There you are.  Bit... empty in here, isn't it? JIMMY     [heavy sigh] A bit. LUCY     But where are all the Christmas shoppers? JIMMY     Shh!  Whatever you do, don't ask that in front of Mr. Scarrick.  You'll quite set him off.  LUCY     Oh! JIMMY     It's all right, he's out at the moment. LUCY     [impressed] He left you in charge? JIMMY     [heavy sigh, morose]  Only in the certainty that there won't be a stampede on our services. LUCY     That bad, eh? JIMMY     Quite. SOUND     DOOR, BELL, FOOTSTEPS Miss Smith     Hello? SOUND     QUICK STEPS JIMMY     Yes?  How may I assist you? Miss Smith     [nervous] Oh, I was -um- just looking for a railway timetable?  I'm going up to the city-- [breaks off] JIMMY     Sorry.  Clean out.  Perhaps next week. MISS Smith     Ah.  Thank you. SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, BELL DOOR LUCY     You might have made a sale! JIMMY     She just wanted to look. LUCY     You don't know that. JIMMY     [bitter admission] She's the fourth today.  Everyone would rather take the train to town and shop in a big department store than [quoting] bother to take advantage of the convenience-- SOUND     DOOR BELL MISS Jones     Hello? JIMMY     ...and that's five. MUSIC SOUND     PUB SCARRICK     The outlook is not encouraging for us smaller businesses. SOUND     POURING DRINK SCARRICK     These big concerns are offering all sorts of attractions to the shopping public which we couldn't afford to imitate, even on a small scale--reading-rooms and play-rooms and gramophones and Heaven knows what. BOY     [normal, commiserating] People like shiny objects. SCARRICK     And they don't care to buy half a pound of sugar nowadays unless they can listen to Harry Lauder and have the latest Australian cricket scores ticked off before their eyes. MAN     Seems like quite a trip for sugar. SCARRICK     With the big Christmas stock we've got in we ought to keep half a dozen assistants hard at work, but as it is my nephew Jimmy and myself can pretty well attend to it ourselves.  In fact, I've left him in charge.  I've never done that before. BOY     I'm sure he'll be fine. SCARRICK     [drinks] It's a nice stock of goods, too.  I could run it all off in a few weeks time, but there's no chance of that--not unless the London line was to get snowed up for a fortnight before Christmas. MAN     [musing] How you gonna keep them home on the farm? MUSIC SOUND     SHOP DOOR, BELL MRS. GREYES     --so tedious, but there it is, and what else is one to do? MISS FRITTEN     We shall simply wait for the next--  SCARRICK     May I help you ladies? MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [evasive] Really, we just stopped in to see about --- about-- MISS FRITTEN     Bootlaces.  MRS. GREYES     Bootlaces!  Yes!  I've been in dire need of some-- SCARRICK     [hearty] Of course.  Over on the left wall, near the back. MRS. GREYES     Of course.  [whispering]  You knew he'd try and sell us something if we came in here!  Bootlaces indeed.  I already have more laces than boots! MISS FRITTEN     At least if we do make a purchase, they're small enough to carry when we go to-- MRS. GREYES     Shh! SCARRICK     Finding everything? MRS. GREYES     Oh, yes.  This is the best ... um... anchovy paste.  Just what I was looking for. MISS FRITTEN     Just lovely! SCARRICK     Perhaps you ladies could help me.  I was thinking of adding a little entertainment to the shop. MRS. GREYES     Oh? SCARRICK     I did have a sort of idea of engaging Miss Luffcombe to give recitations during afternoons; she made a great hit at the Post Office entertainment with her rendering of 'Little Beatrice's Resolve'. MISS FRITTEN     [very uncertain] Oh, that would be ...just ... lovely. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS ODDLY SCARRICK     What? SOUND     ODD FOOTSTEPS ENTER SCARRICK     [excusing himself] Your pardon. SOUND     SCARRICK GOES TO THE COUNTER MRS. GREYES     [whispered] Perhaps we should just do our shopping here. MISS FRITTEN     But I'm in my best hat! MRS. GREYES     Shh! Shh!  Look at that! MISS FRITTEN     What an odd looking boy.  Brown as a nut, but we've not had sun in weeks! MRS. GREYES     And those clothes.  Like something out of the Arabian nights! SOUND     CLANG BOY     [accented now] Six pomegranates, please, and a packet of quail seed. MISS FRITTEN     What's the bowl for? MRS. GREYES     To carry the pomegranates? MISS FRITTEN     Why not a string bag? MRS. GREYES     Allergies?  Shh! SCARRICK     [business as usual]   Here you are.  We have some lovely pomegranates. MISS FRITTEN     He doesn't even look surprised! MRS. GREYES     The boy must have been here before. SOUND     COIN SKITTERING, CAUGHT BOY     The wine and figs were not paid for yesterday.  Keep what is over of the money for our future purchases. SCARRICK     [formal and serious] As you wish.  SOUND     BOY LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS SOUND     SKITTERING OF LADIES FEET MISS FRITTEN     [to Scarrick, hinting] A very strange-looking boy? SCARRICK     [final]  A foreigner, I believe. MRS. GREYES     Does he shop here often?  Surely there can't be much call for ...quail seed... at this time of year. SCARRICK     It takes all sorts. SOUND     DOOR OPENS SOUND     HEAVY OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MISS FRITTEN     [gasp] MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [covering her consternation]  Oh, I forgot those bootlaces!  [hissed] Come on! SOUND     THEY SKITTER AWAY MAN     [accented] I wish for a pound and a half of the best coffee you have. SCARRICK     [wary] Certainly sir. MRS. GREYES     Look at that beard! MISS FRITTEN     Like a comedy Russian. MRS. GREYES     No, more like an ancient Assyrian. MISS FRITTEN     Who do you think he is? MAN     [suspicious] Has a dark-faced boy been here buying pomegranates? SCARRICK     Can't say that I've seen anyone like that. MRS. GREYES     Oh!  [muffles self] MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  How could he! SCARRICK     [offhanded] We have a few pomegranates in stock, but there has been no real demand for them. MAN     My servant will fetch the coffee as usual SOUND     COIN SKITTERS, HEAVY FEET START TO WALK AWAY, THEN STOP MAN     [very importantly] Have you, perhaps, any quail seed? GREYES AND FRITTEN [gasp] SCARRICK     [unhesitating] No.  we don't stock it. SOUND     FEET WALK AWAY MRS. GREYES     [whispered] What will he deny next? MISS FRITTEN     And I always believed Mr. Scarrick to be such a truthful man.  Heavens! He just presided at a lecture on Savonarola. SOUND     DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES MRS. GREYES     Don't let's bother about the 3.12.  Let's dash, and talk this out at Laura Lipping's MISS FRITTEN      Perhaps we should buy a few things first.  Since we're here. MUSIC SOUND     TEA MISS FRITTEN     [recounting lusciously] Turning up the deep astrakhan collar of his long coat, the stranger swept out of the shop, with the air of a Satrap proroguing a Sanhedrim. MRS. LIPPING     Do Satraps prorogue? MISS FRITTEN     [coldly superior] Have you ever seen one that didn't? GLORIA     I don't even know what a Sanhedrim is.  Is it a dance? MISS FRITTEN     It is a simile and hardly matters.  Or do I mean an allegory? MRS. GORDON     And the boy? MRS. GREYES     I should have though him Greek, but after seeing that beard-- MRS. LIPPING     They could have been unrelated. MISS FRITTEN     Unrelated?  And both asking for "quail seed"?  Mark my words.  There's something afoot. MRS. GREYES     What bothers me most is this unprecedented streak of falsity in our local grocer! GLORIA     I've never known Mr. Scarrick to prevaricate like that before! MRS. GREYES     It's the influence of that artist that took the flat above the shop.  Mark my words.  [importantly] Bohemian. MRS. GORDON     [tragically] I shall never again be able to believe what he tells me about the absence of colouring matter in the jam. MUSIC SOUND     DOOR, BELL SOUND     BROOM LUCY     Jimmy? JIMMY     Here. LUCY     Goodness, it looks like a tornado touched down. JIMMY     Fabulous, isn't it? LUCY     But, what happened? JIMMY     This afternoon, from tea onwards, we had a constant stream of shoppers.  LUCY     Is this something to do with the odd individuals who may or may not have been in this afternoon? JIMMY     [overly innocent] Whom do you refer to? LUCY     Come on!  It's all over town.  People talked about it at tea, and more people talked about it at supper.  I expect they're all talking about it over Bridge even as we speak.  The dark young man and the Beard.  JIMMY     Sounds a bit like a music hall act. LUCY     [speculatively] Yes... yes, it does.... MUSIC AMBIENCE     SHOP [MANY CUSTOMERS] MISS SMITH     Is this the freshest jar of pickles? JIMMY     Miss?  I suppose so. MISS SMITH     It looks a little dusty. JIMMY     That would be my fault-- SCARRICK     [commanding] Jimmy!     JIMMY     So sorry, must jump. MISS FRITTEN     [whispered]  Do you think they will return? MRS. GREYES     I have it on good authority someone's rented that house at the far end of Plummergen. MISS FRITTEN     But why should they come all this way to shop? MRS. GREYES     [knowing] Plummergen drapers don't stock quail seed.  MISS FRITTEN     [getting it] Ah! SOUND     REGISTER NOISE SCARRICK     That will be three shillings and four pence. SOUND     COINS MRS. LIPPING     I'm looking for something interesting for a savory.  Have you any-- SOUND     GENERAL HUSH MRS. LIPPING     [nervous] --any, um-- SCARRICK     [as if nothing is amiss]  I have some pickled olives.  Imported from turkey. MRS. LIPPING     Yes, anything. SOUND     JAR SET DOWN, CASH REGISTER SOUND     JABBER BEGINS AGAIN SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL, JABBER SLOWLY DIES AWAY. SILENCE SOUND     BOY WALKS IN. SOUND     BOWL SET DOWN. SCARRICK     [normal]  What can I get for you today? BOY     I require a pound of honey. SOUND     BREATH BEING LET OUT ALL OVER BOY     and - [quieter] and a packet of quail seed. SOUND     GENERAL INTAKE OF BREATH, GIGGLE QUICKLY MUFFLED SCARRICK     Very good, sir. SOUND     CONVERSATIONS, FORCED LAUGHTER, BUT MUTED, LISTENING MISS FRITTEN     [excited whisper] We might be living in the Arabian Nights. MRS. GREYES     Hush! Listen! SOUND     THINGS PLACED INTO BOWL, BOWL REMOVED, BOY STARTS TO LEAVE. SOUND     QUICK FOOTSTEPS JIMMY     [hurried, fraught with meaning] We have some very fine Jaffa oranges.  Around behind here. SOUND     QUICK SHUFFLE OF FEET SOUND     DOOR OPENS, MAN STRIDES IN. SOUND     GASPS SCARRICK     [unperturbed]  What may I get for you today, Sir? MAN     A pound of dates and a tin of the best Smyrna halva. MISS FRITTEN     Halva?  What is that? MRS. GREYES     It comes from Smyrna - that's figs, isn't it, Smyrna is? GLORIA     Who would want dates AND figs? MRS. LIPPING     Hush. SCARRICK     There you are.  MAN     hmm [evaluating noise]  Yes. SOUND     COINS DROPPED MAN     Has the dark-faced boy, of whom I spoke yesterday, been here to-day? GLORIA     [stifled squeak of excitement] SCARRICK     We've had rather more people than usual in the shop to-day... but I can't recall a boy such as you describe. SOUND     [gasps] MRS. GREYES     [satisfied] Didn't we say? MISS FRITTEN     It's too too terrible. MUSIC TEA MRS. GREYES     It is deplorable that anyone - particularly someone in a position such as Mr. Scarrick -should treat the truth as an article temporarily and excusably out of stock. MISS FRITTEN     More quail seed!  Those quails must be voracious!  [realizing]  or else... perhaps it isn't quail seed at all. MRS. GREYES     I believe it's opium, and the bearded man is a detective. MRS. LIPPING     I don't.  I'm sure it's something to do with the Portuguese Throne. MISS FRITTEN      More likely to be a Persian intrigue on behalf of the ex-Shah.  The bearded man belongs to the Government Party. The quail-seed is a countersign, of course; Persia is almost next door to Palestine, and quails come into the Old Testament, you know. GLORIA     [exasperated] Only as a miracle.  [knowing] I've thought all along it was part of a love intrigue. MRS. LIPPING     I distinctly saw a snarl of baffled rage as the man departed, sandwiched between that heavy moustache and upturned astrakhan collar. GLORIA     I can't imagine that that boy is the guilty party here.  Much more likely he's simply perishing of love for someone - perhaps the daughter of the beard, but the match is quite unsuitable-- MISS FRITTEN     Honey and pomegranates - of course!!! MUSIC SHOP, NIGHT, QUIET SOUND     DOOR, BELL JIMMY     [calling from off] Closed! LUCY     I know, mutton head. JIMMY     Oh, Lucy! SOUND     BROOM DOWN, STEPS LUCY     Another busy day? JIMMY     The busiest.  Another day or two of brisk trade and we'll be--[cut off with a gasp] SOUND     KISS LUCY     [laughing] I was here today, you know. JIMMY     [uneasy] Oh? LUCY     [indulgent] You were quite the hero.  Hustling that poor young man off behind the biscuit tins in the very nick of time. JIMMY     [flustered] Well, I have a good view of the street from my post at the cheese and bacon counter. LUCY     [pouty] Jimmy.  Have you EVER known me to gossip? JIMMY     You, Lucy?  I don't think so. LUCY     Quite a vote of confidence. JIMMY     I didn't mean that-- [sigh] No.  No I've never known you to gossip. LUCY     Let me in, then!  Perhaps there's something I can do to help? MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     It was quite marvelous!  And we sold out of that blasted Halva. MAN     It looked crowded, but were they actually buying? SCARRICK      They bought and bought - some came back three or four times, just to have an excuse to linger.  BOY     "Oh, I forgot" and "silly me, one more thing." SCARRICK     exactly.  Even those women whose purchases were of modest proportions dawdled over them as though they had, uh-- MAN     Brutal, drunken husbands to go home to? SCARRICK     [chuckles] I've even had to take on a couple of extra assistants for tomorrow. MUSIC STORE - BUSY MISS FRITTEN     What do you think?  Is this bowl anything like the one that young gentleman carries? MRS. GREYES     Nonsense.  His is brass.  Or bronze, perhaps.  That one is copper. MISS FRITTEN     Still, it's got a lovely patina. MRS GORDON     Ducks? SCARRICK     [distracted] Pardon? MRS GORDON     Ducks?  I found a lovely recipe for Bombay duck, and was wondering if a domestic duck would suffice. SCARRICK     I suspect that ducks are much the same the world over-- [small gasp] SOUND     DOOR OPENS, BELL GENERAL EXPECTANT HUSH MRS GORDON     oh! SCARRICK     You'll excuse me. SOUND     BOY'S FOOTSTEPS, SCARRICK MEETS HIM SCARRICK     Sir?  BOY     Yes? SCARRICK     [overtly confidential]  I must warn you-- SOUND     [gasps] SCARRICK     [as if saying something else] We have run out of quail seed. MRS GORDON     Oh nO! BOY     [shocked and disappointed] Oh.  I should-- I must-- SOUND     SCUTTLING FEET JIMMY     [excited]  We do have some much finer oranges today, if you want to step over here. BOY     [dramatic gasp] SOUND     BOY RUNS MISS FRITTEN     [whispered] Watch the door! SOUND     DOOR SLAMS OPEN, BELL SOUND     OMINOUS FOOTSTEPS MRS. GORDON      [voice over] I found my self sub-consciously repeating "The Assyrian came down like a wolf on the fold" under my breath. SCARRICK     [very tense]  Ah.  Coffee again today sir?  Perhaps figs? MAN     I am looking for-- LUCY     [in disguise, foreign sounding]  Jaffa oranges, I think. MAN     What? MRS GREYES     [voiceover] She slithered out of the aisle like the lady in the lake. LUCY     Your Excellency does his shopping himself? MAN     [suspicious] I order the things myself.  I find it difficult to make my servants understand. MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover]  How ever did we miss a mysterious veiled lady, right in the midst of us all? LUCY     I was saying... They have some excellent Jaffa oranges here.  [tinkling laugh] SOUND     HER FEET TAP AWAY TO THE DOOR, BELL MAN     [considering] Hmph.  MRS. GORDON     [gasp] MAN     You! SCARRICK     [tense] Yes? MAN     You have, perhaps, some good Jaffa oranges? GLORIA     [voiceover] Everyone expected an instant denial on the part of Mr. Scarrick of any such possession, but before he could answer‑‑ BOY     No! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR, BELL MISS FRITTEN     [voiceover] Holding his empty brass bowl before him he dashed into the street. His face was masked with studied indifference SOUND     THE VOICEOVERS START TO FADE INTO TEA MRS GREYES     Overspread with ghastly pallor! MRS. LIPPING     I would call it blazing with defiance. GLORIA     How defiant could he be!  He was so terrified his teeth chattered! MRS. GORDON     I distinctly heard him whistling the Persian National Hymn. MISS FRITTEN     But the bearded man - his face was a mask of abject terror! MRS GREYES     I thought he would dash out after the boy, but he just paced to and fro like a caged animal - seeking an outlet for escape. GLORIA     He couldn't take his eyes off the door. MRS GORDON     Did he ever come back for his purchases?  Or send his servant? MISS FRITTEN     I've not had the nerve to ask Mr. Scarrick.  The whole thing was so ...  overwhelming. MUSIC LUCY     It was so overwhelming.  Trying not to laugh while watching all their faces. JIMMY     You did a fabulous job. LUCY     You like me in a veil? JIMMY     I can think of a veil I'd like to see you in. LUCY     [interested, pleased] Really? JIMMY     Mm-hmm  [yes] SOUND     KISS MUSIC PUB SCARRICK     I can never thank you fellows enough. MAN     We enjoyed the fun of it.  [laughs, then  talks like beard]  And the figs. BOY     It was a welcome vacation from posing for hours for 'The Lost Hylas' MAN     You just have to sit still.  I'm the one who has to make you look good. SCARRICK     What do I owe you? MAN     No, no.  It was far too entertaining.  BOY     We did get all those lovely pomegranates. SCARRICK     At any rate... I insist on paying for the hire of the black beard. END

Theo and Leona of the World Bugle (Team E-O to you) return for another scoop. (they originally appeared in Cultists Stole My Baby!) Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Theo - Henry Marks Leona - Robyn Keyes Chief - Julie Hoverson Larry - Dave Fontenot Baby Dali1 - Julie Hoverson Baby Dali2 - Risa Torres Baby Dali3 - Danar Hoverson Waitress - Sirena Raine Melody - Tanja Milojevic Harmony - Cailean Evedus Other Dalis - Marleigh Norton, Kat Pryde, Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard, Kimberly Gianopoulos, Kimberly Poole, Brittney Cruz Music by Josh Woodward Dali Song - Music by Reju (used under creative commons license), words by Arthur O'Shaugnessy, Sung by Julie Hoverson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an infamous newsroom, can't you tell?" **************************************************************************** Whatever Happened to Baby Dali? Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Chief Theo "Smoothie" Walsh Leona Pope Dali 1 Other Dalis Melody Harmony Waitress Larry Four Reporters OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a notorious Newsroom, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1 SOUND     bullpen REPORTER 1    So your sister said - oh, not YOUR sister, a NUN named SISTER. REPORTER 2    Drinking the vinegar counteracts the toxins in the system due to-- REPORTER 3    Fourteen people just vanished?  Were you on any mind-altering substances? REPORTER 4    Yes, if you spell it backwards it certainly does make the word-- SOUND    DOOR CLOSES THEO    Chief?  I - uh-- [breaks off in horror] SOUND    RUSTLE OF TAFFETA CHIEF    Whaddaya think? THEO    [freaked out] Are you... getting married?  [squeak] In white? LEONA    [quiet] Are you really asking? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Nah - scared ya didn't I? THEO    Uh-- CHIEF    Don't worry.  I'm still eligible. THEO    Uh--? LEONA    Back away.  Don't take your eyes off her.  CHIEF    Whaddaya think?  It's a little tight in the gut.  Gonna have to cut some of them carbs. THEO    [trying] Yeah.  That would do it. CHIEF    At least I got the shoulders to pull off strapless.  Hey, where you going? THEO    Uh--! LEONA    Eager to get to work.  You know these young pups. CHIEF    Good attitude.  Interview room 3. THEO    Oh, good! LEONA    [side of her mouth] Quick. SCENE 2 SOUND    DOOR SHUTS THEO    what was that? LEONA    It's June. THEO    And? LEONA    Happens about this time every year. THEO    Why? LEONA    Bridal feature pull-out?  I don't know! [hissed] I don't ask!  [commanding]  Room 3. THEO    Oh, right. SOUND     DOOR OPENS LEONA    You go first. THEO    Right.  [a beat]  Holy cow!  It's her! LEONA    Chief doesn't move that fast.  Especially in a train. THEO    No, I mean - I mean - It IS you, isn't it? DALI 1    Is it safe here? THEO    Why does everyone ask that? LEONA    Who does he think you are? DALI 1    I'm - I'm Baby Dali. THEO    I knew it!  I love your music. LEONA    We don't do publicity stunts.  C'mon, Smoothie. SOUND    HUSTLES HIM OUT OF ROOM, DOOR SHUTS THEO    We don't? LEONA    Of course we do.  When we arrange them.  Part of our job - your job - is to protect the Bugle from being used for anyone ELSE's cheap publicity. THEO    Oh.  But Baby Dali's been missing for fourteen days! LEONA    Probably in rehab. THEO    No!  No one knows where she's been!  If we could break the story-- SCENE 3 LARRY    Hey!  You'll never guess who I just took a call from! THEO    Ratboy? LEONA    State mental health board? LARRY    [gloating] Baby Dali.  She's ready to come home, and called US to break the story! THEO    Wait, but she-- SOUND    SLAP LEONA    [covering] When did she call? LARRY    Just now. THEO    Where did she say she was? LARRY    Hah!  No way.  This is MY scoop!  [running away, laughing]  My ticket out of the bullpen!  [stops, turns back] Hah! THEO    That's ... sad. LEONA    Yeah.  Send a stripper.  Come on. THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    [exasperated] Room 3? THEO    Aha! SCENE 4 SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEONA    Sorry about that.  Had to do some quick fact checking. THEO    Yeah!  Make sure you're really.... [melting]  Really her. DALI 1    Precisely the problem!  Proving I'm her!  I mean me. LEONA    [muttered prompt] Oh?  THEO    [gasp] Oh? DALI 1    I'm plagued with posers! LEONA    [sigh]  Aren't the solid black sunglasses and white fright wig a bit of a giveaway? THEO    [infatuated] I knew who you were the moment I saw you. DALI 1    You have a nice face. THEO    I do? LEONA    My colleague will now take notes. SOUND    PEN, PAPER, SLAPPED DOWN THEO    Yeah.... MUSIC SCENE 5 SOUND    IN CAR THEO    Where are we going? LEONA    Following Larry. THEO    Who? LEONA    [disgusted sigh] THEO    [getting it] Oh, him!  How do we find him again? LEONA    He hasn't left yet.  THEO    How do you know? LEONA    I ordered donuts. DALI 1    Oh! LEONA    Shh.  You're not here, remember? DALI 1    [singing] I swear! THEO    Why is she hiding in the back seat under your gym bag? LEONA    One - so she won't be seen, since she won't take off that wig. DALI 1    It is my own hair! LEONA    Like hell.  I saw it shift. DALI 1    It is a wig - but it IS my own hair. LEONA    [shudder] uhhhhh. THEO    And two? LEONA    Two what? THEO    You said that was reason one.  What's two? LEONA    So you can focus, dumbass. THEO    Oh. LEONA    There he goes!  Keep your eyes on the green Camaro. THEO    Camaro? LEONA    [growl] Green car.  Coming out of the parking garage! THEO    Gotcha. MUSIC SCENE 6 AMB    PARK LARRY    [giving a code phrase] The dog flies in the springtime. DALI 2    [squeaky] Yellow is the color of my true love's eyes. LARRY    You sound... different. DALI 2    I use a voice modulator on stage. LARRY    Ah.  So.  The world is listening.  Tell me your story. DALI 2    Listening?  Aren't you from the print media? LARRY    Oh.  Yeah.  I was speaking figuratively. DALI 2    I see.  Anyway...  I have a really big story, but I have to be certain it will see print! LARRY    Of course! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STORM UP DALI 1    Imposter! DALI 2    Imposter! LEONA    [off, whispered] I thought you were watching her! THEO    [vague] Uh-huh. LEONA    Go get the story dumbass.  THEO    But you? LEONA    I can take photos from here. THEO    [vague] Okay. SOUND    SLAP LEONA    Did I mention I'm not giving warnings any more? LARRY    [angry] You?  No way!  The tale of two Dalis is all mine! THEO    I - we - brought one of them. LARRY     Then dance with the Dali you came with!  It's only fair! DALI 1    She's a fake! DALI 2    She's a fake! THEO    Waitaminute.  You don't even sound like-- BOTH DALIS    Autotune!! DALI 3    [chiming in] Autotune. THEO    Oh. Huh?  Three? MUSIC SCENE 7 WAITRESS    All, righty then - that will be 3 orders of waffles, three fruit cups- ALL DALIS    It's the only thing vegan on the menu. WAITRESS    And two pots of coffee.  Comin right up! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    DINER NOISES SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OUT THE SOUND LEONA    [prompting]  Ok, this isn't going to last forever - someone will say something, eventually, and then these three won't be an exclusive any more! LARRY    Exclusive to all three of us.  I get my credit, too. THEO    Of course!  Fair is fair. LEONA    [muttered] I got your credit right here. DALI 1    Can we get on with this? DALI 2    I have a recording session in two hours. DALI 3    No, I do. DALI 1    How can they be so much like me? LEONA    Ask them some questions - figure out which is the real one. THEO    Right.  Ok.  Which of you is the real Baby Dali? ALL DALIS    I am. DALI 3    Or should I say [singing] I am me and no one else is. LARRY    Sounds convincing to me.  LEONA    I think that one's a guy. THEO    That doesn't help... there's been "speculation" about Dali. LEONA    [disgusted noise] Ugh!  At least let me get some snaps while you think. SOUND    TAKING PHOTOS THEO    Gee, they even pose alike. LARRY    I guess it will all come down to DNA. THEO    I don't think so.  Dali is a notorious germophobe, and a compulsive clean freak.  [nervously over explaining] According to her official web page, which I only browsed for informational newspaper business reasons. LARRY    Yeah, me too, but I didn't read much.  Those costumes are pretty skimpy. THEO    Don't be so creepy, not right in front of her - uh, them. SCENE 8 SOUND    DOOR KICKED IN THEO    Whoa!  LARRY    [faints] Uhhh... LEONA    I'll be in the... uh...  Corner. THEO    Stop right there! MELODY    You're not giving orders here! HARMONY    Yeah.  Get those hands up where we can see them. LEONA    Keep them talking, this is great.  THEO    Talking? LEONA    Find out what they want. THEO    They're dressed like ninjas.  MELODY    What did you say? THEO    Nothing!  MELODY    I heard you, and I have perfect pitch. THEO    oh.  Nothing ... uh... uncomplimentary. MELODY    [getting closer]  Do you know who we are? LEONA    Say no. THEO    Uh, no?  and - and I don't want to, because that way I can never identify you or even report you for robbing a waffle house! MELODY    [scoffing] Waffle house! HARMONY    We care nothing for your waffles.  THEO    Uh, ok. ALL DALIS    We're having the fruit cup. MELODY    No.  No fruit cup today.  You are coming with us.  Just you three. LEONA    You can't just leave us here.  We might-- [prompting] might--? THEO    Uh, what?  LEONA    We might [prompting] do something?  Ugh! THEO    We might tell [heavy import] THEM. MELODY    [horrified] How do you know about THEM? LEONA    I'm actually impressed. THEO    oh...  Everyone knows about THEM.  But only a select few know how to reach THEM. LEONA    Smoothie. MELODY    [grim]  right.  You will come with us as well.  HARMONY    What about the sleeping one?  Does he know THEM? LEONA    Oh, him?  He doesn't know anyone. MUSIC SCENE 9 SOUND    WALKING, ECHOEY MELODY    Stop! THEO    Can we take off the blindfolds now? MELODY    Harmony!  Take off the blindfolds.  And search them.  We don't want any messages getting to THEM. SOUND    RUSTLING ALL DALIS    [general interjections of annoyance like Hey!  Stop!  Ouch!  Ooh!] HARMONY    Give me your phone.  LEONA    Here. SOUND     ZIP HARMONY    What's this, in your bag?  [confused, examining a camera] It has a lens like a phone, but it's awfully big.  And it doesn't even have a keypad. LEONA    Hmph.  It's an antique.  Keepsake.  I keep meaning to have it mounted on a keychain. HARMONY    It's big for a keychain. LEONA    [exasperated]  I'll never lose my keys.  Besides, I still use the flash... uh - flashlight function sometimes.  See? SOUND    CAMERA SNAPS HARMONY    Oh.  Ok then.  And you. THEO    Be gentle. LEONA    [sarcastic aside] Be careful.  At least she left on the ninja mask.  [up, to Theo] find out what's going on. THEO    Harmony, is it?  A codename, I'm sure, since you and your partner there are clearly too smart to use your real names in front of your victims - I mean in front of civilians. HARMONY    [noncommittal grunt]  Hmph. THEO    All right.  I'm not asking for me, but what do you plan to do with the Baby Dalis?  I worry that something bad is going to happen. HARMONY    Nothing bad.  To them. THEO    That's a lower case "them," right?  Not a THEM them? MELODY    Enough chit-chat!  You probably know why we brought you here-- LEONA    Not a clue. THEO    No. MELODY    We are the Secret Protectorate Aligned to Reduce or Control Leaching of Entertainers. THEO    Leaching? Huh? MELODY    We needed an "L". LEONA    Sparcle? [snort of almost laughter] THEO    Tell me more.  I'm a good listener. MELODY    You don't know it, friend, but there's a celebrity crisis happening every 20 minutes, and no one else is trying to help! THEO    No?  Really? MELODY    That - those three - are proof of the latest perfidy the government has in the works. ALL DALIS    We are? MELODY    [definite] Cloning. THEO    Wow. ALL DALIS    Uh...  DALI 3    [panicked] I need to use the bathroom.  MUSIC SCENE 10  [Whispered conversation] DALI 1    Yes, my disappearance was a publicity stunt, and yes I am the real Baby Dali. LEONA    Heh heh - just like To Tell The Truth. DALI 2    What? LEONA    God I feel old. THEO    And the other two - you and ... her? DALI 2    Professional Dali impersonator.  I was just taking advantage of the vacuum left by her-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER DALI 3    [crying and running in] MELODY    Do not worry, Baby Dalis, we are only here to liberate you and facilitate your re-entry into society. LEONA    Like a celebrity dogpound. THEO    Wait! MELODY    What? THEO    Uh-- LEONA    Better make it truly, monumentally good. DALI 2    Way to take the pressure off. THEO    Uh, what if I were to tell you I'm a reporter for the Weekly World Bugle? MELODY    I would be forced to kill you. HARMONY    We're not yet ready to reveal our manifesto to the world. THEO    Ah.  Good thing that would have been a ruse, then, eh? LEONA    We're gonna die. THEO    But you have to ask yourself, then, how DO I know about THEM? Moment of silence MELODY    [cold] I don't have to ask anything. HARMONY    [shocked] Melody!  You know that we can't do that! [cut off] MELODY    Shh!!!  How do I even know that you know about THEM, eh? LEONA    I do not want to die at the hands of bimbos named after the bugaloos. THEO    [ominous but vague]  Do you know about the government connection? MELODY    [shocked] You know? THEO    But it's not who you think it is.  They want us to believe it's this department, or that [hinting] bureau, when ultimately... [trails off suggestively] HARMONY    He does know! THEO    The officials in question might just find themselves a little less able to sleep at night, if they knew that you knew that I know that THEY know just what's behind it all.  MELODY    Do you know the countersign? THEO    Like that incident last month.  [breaking his train] The what? LEONA    [muttered] Bugaloos. THEO    What? MELODY    [suspicious] It almost sounds like you're one of us.  Do you know the countersign? LEONA    [muttered] Benita Bizarre? THEO    Uh... Josie and the Pussycats? LEONA    [exasperated] Damn! MELODY    Welcome brother! LEONA    [impressed] Damn! MUSIC SCENE 11 AMB    DIFFERENT ROOM SOUND    STEPS MELODY    Don't speak yet. SOUND    MUSIC TURNED ON MELODY    It jams any listening device. THEO    I love this song. MELODY    It seemed fitting.  [suddenly brisk]  So.  What do you know about the cloning project? THEO    Uh... nothing specific.  We've had our eye on suspicious activity for quite some time. MELODY    Damn.  I was hoping. THEO    But-- MELODY    What? THEO    Well...  I don't think they can be actual "clones".  Don't they take years to grow?  And Baby Dali only really got famous with her song "Treehouse victim" last year. MELODY    You underestimate the cloning process.  The technology is there. THEO    Oh.  But they're not... perfect copies...? MELODY    That is the trickiest part.  They are clearly mixing DNA. THEO    Clearly? MELODY    Yes.  The squeaky one is probably mixed with that creepy chick from Poultergeist. THEO    Ri-i-ight.  And the other? MELODY    [definite] Morgan Freeman. THEO    Uh, yeah. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN HARMONY    (breathless) We've found more!  There must have been a breach at the Baby Dali containment center! THEO    Containment Center? MELODY    They had to breed them some place. THEO    Tell me, do you guys see a lot of Elvises? MELODY    How many? THEO    Thousands. MELODY    No, I mean how many Babys have we found? HARMONY    Four more, and another 8 possible sightings. THEO    That's a lot of Dalis. MUSIC SCENE 12 SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SCUFFLE SUDDENLY STOPS SOUND    FEET, DOOR SHUTS THEO    What are you doing? DALI 2    I want to take this all off and get them to let me go!  But they won't let me! LEONA    Naked?  That'll be a photo op. DALI 2    Just the makeup and wig! DALI 1    Never tarnish the illusion. THEO    Don't!  Their belief in this clone thing might be the only thing keeping us all alive. DALI 3    Besides, I can't take it off - I've had surgery. THEO    [creeped out] Oh? DALI 3    For my FACE.  Not down there.  That's probably what started all the rumors. DALI 1    I love the rumors. DALI 3    [starstruck] You do?  Really?  LEONA    Shh! SOUND    SILENCE, DOOR OPENS HARMONY    Get in there! SOUND    SEVERAL PAIRS OF FEET LEONA    More? THEO    Oh, yeah. They've been finding more of them. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS DALI 4    They took me right off the stage! DALI 5     I was on a date. DALI 7    Busking in the subway. DALI 8    [bad asian accent] I Baby Dorry. DALI 6    I was working a party. THEO    And no one tried to stop them from taking you? DALI 6    What could 6-year olds do? THEO    Oh. [gets it] Ohhh. DALI 9    I like your glasses.  Are those Couture? DALI 10    Knockoffs, but they're good aren't they?  I'll give you the url. LEONA    Even if one of them does get naked, I don't think it will stop them.  [up] Haven't you - no I mean you - already done that on stage?  ALL DALIS    I am a SPECTACLE! LEONA    She's done just about everything on stage except light her farts. THEO     That's it! ALL DALIS    We're vegan.  LEONA    Don't look at me. THEO    I don't mean [hinting] lighting gas... LEONA    You lost me. THEO    Have you ever seen the movie Gaslight? MUSIC SCENE 13 THEO    Hey!  You better get in here! SOUND    LOCK UNLOCKING LEONA    One more shot. SOUND    SNAPSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS HARMONY    [horrified] What happened?  Where's their hair? MELODY    Is she - uh, that one - dead? THEO    [strange voice] She is dying of captivity. ALL DALIS    [chanting together]  We are the music makers and we are the dreamers of dreams. MELODY    But she's still talking. THEO    Mechanical convictions. HARMONY    I love that song. MELODY    Brother Theo, what happened? THEO    There is more at work here than you can comprehend.  I like you. LEONA    Straight from Gaslight to Star Trek.  Smooth. MELODY    What? THEO    But I hate you. HARMONY    You're mean! SOUND    SHE GOES RUNNING OFF, CRYING ALL DALIS    [CHANTING ALONG] World-losers and world forsakers, on who the pale moon gleams. THEO    Oh!  Uh-- LEONA    Don't back off. THEO    Right.  [trying to match the Dali tone] We are the Music Makers and We are the Dreamers of Dreams. LEONA    You do realize she didn't write that, don't you? MELODY    [confused] Why are you just speaking it like that, why aren't you singing? THEO    [creepy whisper] Because - we have no melody! MELODY    [disturbed] But-but I'm Melody! THEO    Are you?  Are you even here? MELODY    I - I am!  And I still have the gun - uh... [horrified] My gun?! LEONA    Plan B. SOUND    GUN COCKS LEONA    [commanding] Time to go.  THEO    Ok, we-- LEONA    Quick, before they decide on an encore. MUSIC SCENE 14 CHIEF    Good thing you got them all moving.  LEONA    We got pictures of them both with and without the wigs, and of them leaving to get on a special charter bus. THEO    They painted the name on the side really fast. LEONA    No, that's actually a company that only gives tours to Dali impersonators. THEO    Go figure.  Do they have an Elvis bus too? LEONA    Yeah.  But they get fewer drag performers. CHIEF    [reminiscent] Yeah.  They serve deep fried bananas, and spin a wheel to see which color outfit gets to sit shotgun.  [breaking out] Uh, uh - I mean, I hear they do. LEONA    [quick, changing the subject] Right.  We've got at least four stories out of this. THEO    And something for Larry. LEONA    [annoyed and horrified] What? THEO    He was in on it, too.  [sheepish] at the beginning. CHIEF    Larry?  Larry who? LEONA    From the switchboard. CHIEF    Look kid.  Being nice ain't how news gets made.  It's just a fact o' life. THEO    Well...  If we don't give him something, he might take what he DOES have and go to another paper. LEONA    You want to give him a story? THEO    [weakly] He could have the waffle house kidnapping. LEONA    [long suffering sigh] I guess.  As long as he leaves our names out of it.  You just volunteered to edit it. THEO    Okay. CHIEF    So what else do you have for me? THEO    Mass migration of dalis. LEONA    [snickering] SPARCLE. THEO    The sublimation of and abrogation of self in the gestalt identity of celebrity. LEONA    Seriously? THEO    I can spin it. CHIEF    Nice.  Big words make people believe crap like that.  Whatever it is. THEO    I meant an article on how people try and be like famous people. CHIEF    Keep the big words.  It sounds better. THEO    I'll find some experts. LEONA    [another idea] There's also that thing about whether she is a he.  Theo found out-- THEO    Uh, no. CHIEF    What do you mean? THEO    The real one wouldn't confirm or deny.  LEONA    Even when she kissed you? THEO    Yeah, well... [shrugs]  A Dali is a Dali. CHIEF    You could do something with that, you know.  On the puzzles page.  Get three of them and one fake impersonator.  LEONA    [chuckles] CHIEF    Put pictures of them all in a four box grid and stick some clues in as to which is which.  Run a little contest.  Think about it.  [commanding] In your office.  I have to call someone about flowers. THEO    [thinking back to the wedding thing] Flowers?  For? CHIEF    Truman at the Guardian when he drops dead seeing our headlines. THEO    Ohhh.  Good. LEONA    Come on. CHIEF    Eh.  Maybe I should just send that stripper. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS SOUND    THEY LEAVE - THIS FADES ACROSS THE BULLPEN LEONA    I like the puzzle idea, though we should make it 9-up, like the brady bunch. THEO    Who? LEONA    [angry growl]  Nostalgia.  Look it up. THEO    Who will be the fake impersonator? LEONA    She did say you have a nice face. THEO    NO way! LEONA    I have to take the picture. REPORTER 4    We actually already have all the Dalis we can use. REPORTER 3    No, thanks, but if you have an MJ sighting?  No? REPORTER 2    Anything else?  Photo of the prez stepping into a spaceship? REPORTER 1    Yes, yes I'll ask - can we use anything from Ringo Starr?  He's on the line and-- ALL REPORTERS    Naaaaaaaah. FADE TO END

MATURE THEMES AND VIOLENCE When a drifter wanders into a small town - things may get a little... hairy. Written by Julie Hoverson Cast List Marjorie Baines - Violet Crestley Lou Garreau - Reynaud LeBoeuf Edith Baines - Eleice Krawiec Dennis Cooperman - David Collins-Rivera (Lostinbronx) Skitch - Justin Grubbs Children - Katy and Athena Music by Thomas Cusack / [Leafy Lane Productions] Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson and Justin Charles [1st Draft Productions] Cover Design: Charles Austin Miller "What kind of a place is it? Why it's small town in wartime in the middle of the last century, can't you tell?" ******************************************************************** Loup Noir Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Lou Garreau, forlorn drifter MARJORIE Baines, precocious teen Edith Baines, mom Skitch, thug Officer Dennis Cooperman, Mom's old flame   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a small town street, during world war two, can't you tell?  MUSIC AMB    BIRDS, PUSH LAWNMOWER, DISTANT RADIO MARJORIE    [reading, in a gruff voice] How can you have no pity for me, oh my Beauty?  [high voice]  But it is my father!  He is dying!-- LOU    [clears his throat]  I'm sorry to-- CHILDREN    [surprised noises] MARJORIE    Oh!  [to a child] Here, hold the place in the book.  SOUND    GETS TO HER FEET MARJORIE    Do you need some help, mister? LOU    Uh.  I'm looking for a Mr. Baines? MARJORIE    Father?  He's not here right now. LOU    [deeply disappointed] Oh.  Will he be back soon? MARJORIE    [sadly]  He's... been dead for three years.  LOU    [resigned]  Oh.  You wouldn't happen to have a brother, would you? MARJORIE    James.  Yes.  Why? LOU    Is HE around? MARJORIE    Overseas.  Marines  There's no way to know when he'll be back. LOU    [heavy sigh]  Thanks. SOUND    STARTS TO WALK AWAY MARJORIE    Were you a friend of father's? LOU    [rueful laugh, low]  We've never met.  [up]  Where's the cheapest place to stay around here? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    LIGHTBULB CHAIN CLICKS ON, DANCES LOU    [groan of pain and waking] DENNIS    [whispered] Are you ready to talk yet? LOU    [mumbled]  Talk about what? DENNIS    Talk about what you are.  LOU    What am I? DENNIS    [hissed] You're a monster. SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    PAPER FOLDING MARJORIE    [coming on]  Oh, hello!  Sorry, I never got your name. SOUND    PAPER CRUMPLES LOU    Lewis.  Lewis Garreau [gah-ROH].  Lou.  And you're a miss Baines? MARJORIE    Marjorie.  Why were you looking for my dad?  Did he owe you money? LOU    [taken aback] I-um-- No. It's --private. MARJORIE    You don't have to treat me like some kind of kid.  I'm almost old enough to drive. LOU    [quiet rueful laugh] MARJORIE    What's that you made?  A bird? SOUND    PAPER LOU    It's a crane. MARJORIE    Hmm.  Nice.  But mister, your crane - it ain't got no legs. LOU    It's flying. MARJORIE    Can't fly forever. LOU    I suppose that depends on whether there's a good place to land.  MARJORIE    Minds me.  Did you find a place to land? LOU    Miss Mason was full up. MARJORIE    What're you gonna do, then? LOU    Move along.  Sleep in the park.  Done both often enough. MARJORIE    Must be nice to sleep out under the stars. LOU    [strange] And the moon. MARJORIE    Not much of a moon tonight.  [looking up] Is it just me or is it sort of strange when it does that - hanging like a big old smile in the middle of the bright blue sky? LOU    There's plenty of strange things about the moon.  [sigh] Run along home, kid. Don't you know better than to talk to strange men? MARJORIE    Hmph.  If you're going to be that way-- LOU    I am. MARJORIE    [angry] Hmph. SOUND    STORMS OFF, WALKING ON LEAVES MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    Just own up to it.  LOU    [resigned but in pain] To what? DENNIS    What you did to that kid. LOU    What kid? DENNIS    You were there when we found the body, you bastard. LOU    oh... SOUND    SLAP MUSIC AMB    PARK MARJORIE    [muttering, huffy] Treating me like I'm some sort of child.  Who does he think he-- SOUND    RUSTLE IN THE BUSHES MARJORIE    [gasp] SOUND    SHE STOPS, THEN STARTS TO RUN SOUND    RUSTLE, THUMP AS SHE RUNS INTO SOMEONE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    Hey Marjie.  Need someone to walk you home? MARJORIE    Let go of me, Skitch! SKITCH    What if I don't wanna?  Maybe I need someone to lean on. MARJORIE    You just want to push me over! SKITCH    Don't knock it til you try it. MARJORIE    [trying to sound tough]  Let go, or I'll-- SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN THUMP AGAINST A TREE MARJORIE    [gasp] SKITCH    You will, will you?  Tell you what, give me a kiss and I might let you go. MARJORIE    Kiss?  You??  I'd rather kiss a dog. SKITCH    Oh, you like dogs, do you?  Dog-style's fine with me--  [starts panting like a dog] SOUND    RUSTLE, BODY FALL MARJORIE    [starts to scream, muffled] SOUND    STRUGGLE LOU    Get off her, you punk! SKITCH    Find your own rabbit, grampa.  MARJORIE    [still struggling] LOU    [almost a growl]  Take a hike! SOUND    SKITCH GETS UP, MARJORIE RUNS AWAY SKITCH    [incredulous] You wanna rumble?  [laughs]  I only fight guys my own age. LOU    [still growly] Why?  Scared? SKITCH    [a little uncertain now] No!  [conciliatory] Look, pops, it was just a bit of fun.  No harm done. LOU    A little late to apologize.  [Yah! noise as he throws a punch] SOUND    FIGHT BEGINS, FADES INTO MUSIC AMB    GARAGE SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    How does it feel to crush the life out of someone? LOU    [uncertain] I...I didn't. DENNIS    And who else could it'a been?  You ride into town and just by coincidence, something horrible like this happens?  No sale, bub. LOU    [moan] DENNIS    That nose looks bad.  Gonna need to be set. LOU    It doesn't matter. DENNIS    Here.  I'll straighten it. SOUND    JUICY CRACKING NOISE LOU    [howl of agony] MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    Ouch!  [hiss of pain] SOUND    FEET ON LEAVES APPROACH SLOWLY LOU    Go away. MARJORIE    No.  You need a handkerchief or something?  I studied first aid last year. LOU    I'm fine. MARJORIE    [insisting] Here. Did he bite you?  [joking] You gotta watch out, that dingbat's got rabies. LOU    [low, bitter laugh]  It's nothing. MARJORIE    Why were you looking for my father?  LOU    I - I promised to bring him a message. MARJORIE    Maybe my mom--? LOU    No, no... I'll just move along.  Maybe when your brother comes home. MARJORIE    Oh, come on-- EDITH    [off] Marjie?  Marjie? MARJORIE    [triumph] Too late!  [up] Over here!  [back to him] Come on.  If nothing else, you'll get dinner out of it. EDITH    [coming in]  Marjie?  What are you doing?  [a little wary]  Who's this? MARJORIE    This is Lou, mother.  He chased off Skitch. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Noses bleed like a sonofabitch, don't they?  [sniffs at his bloody hand, disgusted noise] LOU    [juicy sniff of pain] DENNIS    [backs off a bit]  Think those ropes will hold you there for a while?  I spose I might have some chains somewhere. LOU    [sniff again]  Why? DENNIS    [harsh]  Because I know what you are. MUSIC AMB    DINNER EDITH    Since you're the guest, Lou, would you like to say grace? LOU    [uncomfortable mumble] I'm not used to being so formal, Mrs. Baines. EDITH    Edith. MARJORIE    Oh, I'm sure you'll do it just fine. EDITH    "Very well." MARJORIE    Huh? EDITH    “Just fine” isn't proper English, Miss Marjorie Baines. MARJORIE    Sorry, mother. LOU    [murmurs something quickly] Amen. EDITH    [consternation] oh! Amen. MARJORIE    [satisfied] Amen. SOUND    A MOMENT OF SERVING, EATING EDITH    We're not really used to having company, Lou.  Will it bother you if we talk at the table? LOU    [bewildered] uh - No? EDITH    Thank you.  [serious]  Marjie, what was that you were saying about Scottie? MARJIE    [sigh, rolls eyes]  Skitch, mother.  He stopped answering to Scottie simply ages ago. EDITH    You said Lou ... [trying not to sound too worried] chased him off? MARJIE    [losing her bravado]  Yeah.  He was being ... pushy again. LOU    I – I don't think he's likely to bother you again any time soon. MARJIE    Oh?  Did you wallop him good? EDITH    Good gracious, Marjie, sometimes I simply do not know what to say about your treatment of the English language! MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You think the police don't notice when an – an animal like you creeps into town and right off bad things start to happen? LOU    The bad things were here before I was.  Nothing you do's gonna change that. DENNIS    Shut UP! SOUND    SLAP LOU    [Ung] DENNIS    Don't go passing out on me, now.  [beat] You still in there? LOU    [gurgle] DENNIS    [mock sympathy] Yeah.  I know.  We'll think of something to make this better. LOU    [gurgling whisper] Don't... don't kill me. DENNIS    Now why would I want to kill you?  I want something from you. LOU    [suspicious] What? MUSIC AMB     DINNER EDITH    So, Lou, tell us something about yourself. LOU    Not much to tell.  Been ... wandering.  MARJORIE    "Looking for", or "looking away"? EDITH    Marjie! MARJORIE    It's from a song, mother.  It's poetical. LOU    A little of both, I guess.  Ain't no one makes it to ...where I am... without a few regrets. EDITH    Have you ever thought about setting down some roots?  LOU    Nah.  [uncomfortable mumble] Ain't no place would have me. EDITH    What's so terrible about you? MUSIC AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    See, I want to understand.  To know what makes you tick, ya freak.  LOU    You couldn't understand.  Not in a million years. DENNIS    Well, we don't got a million years.  Just a couple of hours til night falls, eh? LOU    Why do you--?  [disgusted noise, realizing]  You know?  No!  You want it!  [horrified laughter] You think it would be fun! DENNIS    I think it would be... useful. MUSIC AMB    CRICKETS and FROGS, OUTSIDE EDITH    I hope you don't mind, Lou.  I don't really have any place to put you inside.  But it's a fine night, and Rolf's hammock is very comfortable, and the back yard is-- LOU    [uncomfortable whisper] I'm very grateful. EDITH    Here's some blankets.  Even a fine night can get chilly. LOU    Thanks. EDITH    [hesitant pause, then] Marjorie said-- said you were looking for Rolf? LOU    Your husband?  Yes. EDITH    Why? LOU    [sigh]  Someone way back in my family did something to someone in his family, so we owed him.  [quickly explaining] It's not money - I mean, look at me.  EDITH    Oh.  No, I didn't think--  I was just wondering if maybe you knew him.  [nervous now]  I should get inside,  Make sure Marjorie's all ready for bed.  SOUND    A FEW STEPS, CREAK OF HAMMOCK ROPES EDITH    [off] Goodnight. LOU    Night.  [sigh] MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT LOU    [muttering, grunting, in the throes of a nightmare] SOUND    DISTANT FRANTIC WHINNY OF A HORSE SOUND    WOLF HOWLS, VASTLY DISTORTED AND DISTANT SOUND    HUNTING DOGS SOUND    HEAVY BREATHING, UP CLOSE SOUND    GUN SHOTS MUSIC AMB    [morning birds sneak in] MARJORIE     [voice blurring into dream]  Lou!  Wake up! LOU    [waking with a roar, which turns into a noise of surprise as he falls out of the hammock]  [then, muffled] Ouch. MARJORIE    [stifling a laugh]  Sorry!  You were having a nightmare.  I thought it would be better to wake you up. LOU    [still muffled] Sorry.  [getting up]  I didn't hurt you, did I? EDITH    [off]  Everything all right? MARJORIE    [walking off, still grinning] He's not used to a hammock. Woke up on the wrong side of the bed. LOU    [slight chuckle] SOUND    DOG NEARBY STARTS TO BARK, WON'T STOP EDITH    [from off]  Come on in, I've got breakfast on!  I wonder what's got into Rufus? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So how does it ... work? LOU    It doesn't. DENNIS    [calmly reasonable] I could probably break your nose a few more times. LOU    It's never going to happen. DENNIS    I'll get it out of you, even if I have to bite you. MUSIC AMB    PARK SOUND    WALKING MARJORIE    Thanks for walking me.  Skitch has been ... weird recently. LOU    Weird? MARJORIE    [heavy sigh]  Creepy.  Grabby.  LOU    You sure you don't want your mother to talk to his folks? MARJORIE    I don't want to get him in trouble.  [quiet] His dad beats him up bad.  Scottie used to be okay.  Almost a friend.  Now he's - [firm] now he's just a creep. LOU    Nice is one thing, but you gotta look out for yourself. MARJORIE    Yeah.  [long moment of silence as they walk] What was it you wanted to talk to my dad about? LOU    Just something from way back.  Something about his family.  [painful lie] Nothing that ... can't ... wait. MARJORIE    Is it something about werewolves? LOU    [taken completely by surprise] uh-- what? MARJORIE    I only ask cuz papa always talked about great granpapa and the old country.  And how he used to be a big hunter. LOU    [trying to sound disbelieving] Of... werewolves? MARJORIE    That's what he always said.  MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    So.  How does it work? LOU    You'd have to kill me to find out. DENNIS    Let's save that for later. LOU    What time is it? DENNIS    Couple of hours yet.  That is, if you're waiting for ...dark. LOU    I got nothing to look forward to. DENNIS    Why did you come here, to this town, anyway? MUSIC AMB     PARK LOU    [doubtful] Your ...family hunts werewolves? MARJORIE    Well, not nowadays.  I don't think there's any werewolves left.  No place left to hide in the modern world. LOU    [down] Yeah. MARJORIE    Sides, doesn't take a great hunter to kill stuff any more.  [beat] Now that we have grenades. LOU    [snort of laughter] MARJORIE    Hey, you can laugh!  I thought maybe that was broken. LOU    Just on the fritz. SOUND     HE STOPS. SHE STOPS MARJORIE    [laughing] what? [serious]  what? LOU    Don't ignore this Skitch kid.  Seriously. MARJORIE    Well I wouldn't say I IGNORE him-- LOU    I can see you want to be kind, but what about the next girl? MARJORIE    Next? LOU    You think you're really the only one? MARJORIE    B-but Scotty-- LOU    There are things that can turn even the nicest guy into an animal. MARJORIE    [weakly] Like a werewolf? LOU    Werewolves are rare.  Very rare.  But angry, mean, dangerous boys are common. DENNIS    [controlled anger] Morning, Marjie.  You need a hand with anything? MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    How do you think you know anything? DENNIS    This. SOUND    SET SOMETHING DOWN LOU    That was-- DENNIS    THAT bullet hit a strange "wolf" in the woods last night.  But I didn't find it out in the woods. LOU    No.  [sigh]  You think this is something you could control, don't you? DENNIS    I got self control. MUSIC AMB    WOODS MARJORIE    Morning, Deputy Cooperman. DENNIS    [acknowledging] Marjie.  And this is--? MARJORIE    Lewis.  He was a friend of dad's. DENNIS    [hostile] New in town? LOU    [trying to stay quiet] Just passing through. DENNIS    Were they expecting you? MARJORIE    Goodness.  Listen to you, like he's a suspect or something.  Maybe you should be doing something more useful, like looking for Skitch.  DENNIS    [disdain] Skitch? MARJORIE    Scott Jorgenson. DENNIS    And I should be looking for him, why? MARJORIE    [backing off] He just - It's not that I want you to arrest him or something.  He just was bugging me out here yesterday.  LOU    He grabbed her while she was out here alone. DENNIS    I'll keep that in mind. MARJORIE    [moving away] Come on Lou - I don't want to be late for Joan's birthday party.  SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY MARJORIE    [calling back over her shoulder] Bye, Deputy Cooperman! SOUND    AMB     GARAGE DENNIS    You gotta have self control to be a lawman.  LOU    You're a sheriff's deputy. SOUND    SLAP DENNIS    AND when Sheriff Bonaventure is out of town, I'm in charge.  [backs off a bit]  Look, I can think of all sorts of ways to hurt you.  But I've been reading a couple of books from the library, and they all agree that it's a bite - you biting me - that will give me what I want. LOU    No. DENNIS    You're not going to bite me?  Oh, there's ways. LOU    [yelling] It's not like that.  It's not goddamn tetanus or snakebite! DENNIS    Then tell me what it is like.  Enlighten me. LOU    [very serious and heavy with meaning] It is a curse. MUSIC AMB    DINNER TABLE EDITH    Should we wait dinner for Marjorie, do you think? LOU    Joan's mother said she would drive all the girls home. EDITH    Do you-- do you think Skitch is a danger?  I wish Rolf - or James - was here. LOU    James is your son? EDITH    [heavy emotion] Yes. LOU    Marjorie sounded real proud that he's in the marines. EDITH    [breaks down crying] LOU    What - what's wrong? EDITH    [sobbing] He's dead. LOU    [stunned, but hesitant]  Your husband? EDITH    [wail] James! LOU    [crushed] oh ...hell.  [realizes]  Oh.  Uh.  Would you-- like a shoulder?  I don't mean anything by it-- EDITH    [crying] Thank you.  [buries her sobs in his shoulder] LOU    [trying to be comforting]  There, there. SOUND    DOORBELL LOU    Maybe that's Marjorie? EDITH    [quickly calming, but strained]  She would just come in.  SOUND    WALKS TO DOOR EDITH    [gasp, then very important]  Marjie doesn't know.  About James.  I got the telegram two weeks ago, and I just haven't - I can't -- LOU    Your secret is safe with me. EDITH    Thank you. SOUND     OPENS DOOR DENNIS    Evening, Edith. EDITH    [surprised]  Evening, Dennis.  Is there a problem? [gasp, panic rising]  Did something happen to Marjie? DENNIS    Nothing like that.  I just wanted to check in and make sure you're doing Okay.  LOU    [low rumble] We ran into the deputy in the woods on the way to the party.  [tightly controlled]  He was concerned. DENNIS    Can we talk, Edith?  Alone? EDITH    Dennis.  I'm not ready.  Really. DENNIS    [hiding anger]  Not about that.  About you having strangers in the house with an impressionable girl like Marjorie. EDITH    [angry now] I'll raise my daughter the way I see fit!  I don't need your help on that score. DENNIS    Edith, I-- EDITH    I don't think we have anything else to discuss, Deputy Cooperman.  We were just about to eat dinner.  Good evening. SOUND    SHUTS DOOR EDITH    That ... [quiet but intense] ASS. LOU    What did he do to annoy you so bad? EDITH    Oh... He tried to marry me, way back when. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    Can I have some water? DENNIS    Tell me something first. LOU    What? DENNIS    [shrug] Anything.  [excited]  Just tell me SOMETHING about what it's like! LOU    It's a curse.  It isn't fun.  DENNIS    How can you say that?  To have the power of life and death right in the palm of your hand! LOU    A gun gives you that.  DENNIS    Yeah, but a gun - people go looking for a gun.  But with an animal.  They just shake their heads and say how sad.  No one LOOKS. LOU    Not for the first one.  Maybe even the first two.  But what do you do when it's the 10th or 20th, or hundredth body to turn up mauled? DENNIS    You have to plan.  That's all. LOU    That's part of the problem.  You can't plan. MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, PORCH SWING LOU    How'd he end up a deputy, anyway? EDITH    4-F.  Too short.  Everyone else went... away.  [starts to cry again, quietly] LOU    Shh.  Here. EDITH    It means a lot to have - to have someone to lean on.  Just the comfort.  It's so-- LOU    Yeah, I know.  [gently teasing] I won't try and marry you or anything. EDITh    [small sniffly chuckle] SOUND    FEET APPROACH EDITH    Oh goodness. SOUND    RUSTLE AS THEY PART SOUND    FEET ON STAIRS MARJORIE    [teasing] Gosh.  Setting a bad example? LOU    Cold.  I mean your mother was. EDITH    [a little too fast] Yes. MARJORIE    Goodness gracious!  I'm just tickled to find out you're still a human being in there, mother.  LOU    [embarrassed laugh] EDITH    [brisk, covering] I think it's time to turn in. MUSIC AMBIANCE    GARAGE DENNIS    [chuckles] I'm a really good planner.  I can handle it. LOU    You don't understand!  It's not YOU any more.  There's this ... agony, and then you wake up.  You're not even a passenger on that train!  DENNIS    What? LOU    It's like - like you send your camera on vacation in your place, and when it comes back, the pictures fade slowly in.  You never get everything, just glimpses.  And it's always the worst things you did.  ALWAYS. DENNIS    You're just trying to put me off. LOU    [fierce!]  NO!  I would LOVE to see you suffer the way I have!!  If it weren't that people would die, I would gladly pass this burden on to you. DENNIS    Only bad people. LOU    When you're - like that - every person looks the same.  Meat. MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST    MARJORIE    I hope you don't mind.  Mother had to help with something at the church, so I cooked. LOU    Smells good. MARJORIE    Are you thinking of dating my mom? LOU    I... can't. MARJORIE    Whyever not? LOU    I have to move on. MARJORIE    Right away? LOU    Before the end of the week. MARJORIE    Hunting a werewolf? LOU    [sigh]  Something. MARJORIE    Tell me. LOU    Don't get it into your head that you're gonna hunt werewolves, young lady. MARJORIE    Of course not.  But I want to know.  LOU    [indecisive grunt, eats] MARJORIE    [overly casual] Are you a werewolf? LOU    [spit take, then quiet]  Yes. MARJORIE    [serious] Did you come here for dad to kill you? SOUND    HE SETS DOWN THE SILVERWARE LOU    [quiet but firm] Yes. MARJORIE    Why dad?  Just cause of granpapa? LOU    Your family.  It's - this is a curse.  I mean the werewolf.  And whoever kills the holder of the curse will be cursed in turn. MARJORIE    You killed one? LOU    A long time ago.  And the only people who can kill a werewolf without being cursed are your father's family. MARJORIE    Oh, golly. LOU    So I'll go away and check back later-- MARJORIE    My brother's dead. LOU    Uh-- Yeah.  Your mother told me. MARJORIE    So that leaves just ...me? LOU    I couldn't do that to you. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE DENNIS    Just because you can't control yourself-- LOU    You don't think I've tried? DENNIS    I am a lawman. LOU    I don't see a lot of justice right here. DENNIS    You're an animal, not a man. LOU    Kill me, then. DENNIS    I'm sure I'll have to.  Eventually. SOUND    PHONE RINGS, DISTANT DENNIS    Oh, heck.  [laughs, teasing] Don't go anywhere. SOUND    DENNIS LEAVES LOU    Hah.  Ouch. SOUND    TAP ON GLASS LOU    What? SOUND    OUTSIDE DOOR OPENS, MARJORIE SLIPS IN MARJORIE    Oh my gosh!  What did he do to you? LOU    Get out of here! MARJORIE    No way!  At least I can get these knots undone. LOU    It's almost dusk! MARJORIE    [realizing] Oh!  But you wouldn't hurt me! LOU    I would never.  But IT doesn't care. MARJORIE    What can I do? LOU    Go home.  And if you never see me again, but you... hear... howling--? MARJORIE    What? LOU    If it's not me, it'll be him. SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS MARJORIE    I'll be back! SOUND    SHE OPENS OUTSIDE DOOR LOU    [SCREAMS, FIGHTING TO GET LOOSE, AND DISTRACT DENNIS AS HE ENTERS] MUSIC AMB    BREAKFAST MARJORIE    But that leaves you... What will you do? LOU    Try and stay away from people, as much as I can. MARJORIE    Is it that bad? LOU    Yes.  But no matter how bad it gets, I'd rather suffer it myself than leave someone else to go through it.  At least I'm used to it. MARJORIE    What if you killed yourself? LOU    You don't need to fill your head with these morbid ideas. MARJORIE    Hush.  What about it? LOU    I can't.  I've tried.  Over and over.  If I even start, it takes over.  That's one of the only times the wolf comes - except the full moon. MUSIC AMB    GARAGE LOU    [Howls] DENNIS    [excited] Is it starting? LOU    No!  DENNIS    Damn.  I want to watch. LOU    No.  You don't. DENNIS    Yeah.  I do.  [beat]  You know what's funny? LOU    Donald duck. DENNIS    Hah. Hah.  What's funny is that phone call I just got - Apparently Scott Jorgenson's dad just sobered up and turned himself in for beating his own damn kid to death. LOU    Yeah.  That's real funny. DENNIS    So I got nothing to even blame you for. LOU    I suppose that means you're gonna untie me any minute. DENNIS    Uh... no. LOU    Aw, shucks. DENNIS    [deep breath]  Getting late.  Guess it's time for the chains.  LOU    You want to know the secret? DENNIS    Yeah!? LOU    Come closer. DENNIS    Yeah? LOU    Real close. DENNIS    [a little suspicious]  Really? LOU    I have to whisper. DENNIS    What? LOU    [rra!] SOUND    BITE, RIP DENNIS    [scream!] SOUND    ROPES CREAK, WOOD SPLINTERS LOU    [rough, growl] It's starting! DENNIS    Oh my god! LOU    [agony noises] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPE SHIFTING NOISES DENNIS    [freaking out] SOUND    GUN SHOTS LOU    [hit, expires] DENNIS    Huh.  [touches his bite, hiss of pain] SOUND    CREAKY FLESH NOISE DENNIS    What? SOUND    BONE CRACKS DENNIS    [pain!]  oww! SOUND    DROPS GUN, BEGINS TO FLOP AROUND THE ROOM SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN DENNIS    [howls!] SOUND    HORRIBLE SHAPESHIFTING NOISES SOUND    GUN PICKED UP DENNIS    [almost unintelligible]  Self control!  I can... control... [disintegrates into a howl] SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [pain] MARJORIE    [crying]  Oh!   [Unh! exertion noise when she shoots] SOUND    GUN SHOT DENNIS    [yelp of pain, then angry growl] SOUND    NAILS ON CONCRETE, HE STARTS TO MOVE MARJORIE    No!  Unh! SOUND    GUNSHOT DENNIS    [yelp!  Expires] SOUND    WOLF FALLS SOUND    2 more shots, then clicks. SOUND    SILENCE MARJORIE    No more nightmares, Lou. SOUND    OPENS THE DOOR MARJORIE    Not for you, anyway. SOUND    SHUTS THE DOOR MUSIC NIGHTMARE SEQUENCE, VERY MUCH LIKE LOU'S MARJORIE    [wakes with a gasp] SOUND    DOOR, FOOTSTEPS AMB    KITCHEN, COOKING EDITH    Honey?  You look dreadful.  Are you feeling all right? MARJORIE    I think we need to have a talk, mom.  About my father. END

While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM    You...do? DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn't go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I'll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    

A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END  

In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END

I… I give up. I want to go home. Hmph!

Previously on Saga of the Jewels:Seventeen-year-old Ryn’s hometown is attacked by General Vorr of the Empire and everyone he has ever known is killed. Just before he dies, Ryn’s father gives him a ruby, which causes him to project fire. Ryn is captured by the Empire and meets another captive, Princess Nuthea, who has the ability to project lightning. Nuthea explains to him that the Empire have learned of the existence of twelve Primeval Jewels which grant the ability to manipulate different elements, and are searching for them. The Imperial vessel where they are being held is in turn attacked by a pirate airship, and the pirates capture Ryn and Nuthea. The lead pirate, Captain Sagar, agrees to escort Nuthea back to her homeland, and to spare Ryn’s life, in exchange for the promise of gold, gemstones and beautiful women upon her safe delivery. However, in the battle with the Empire Sagar’s ship’s engineer has been killed. They land in the port city of Ast and recruit a new engineer called Elrann. Ast is then attacked by the Empire, who are using the Fire Ruby to invade the continent and search for more of the Jewels. Ryn confronts General Vorr, his parents’ murderer on whom he has vowed to enact revenge, and only narrowly escapes with the help of his new friends. Ryn, Nuthea, Sagar and Elrann flee the city of Ast together, but are then attacked by a bounty hunter. They manage to subdue the bounty hunter but Nuthea is gravely wounded in the process. Ryn beats Sagar to the hunter’s mount and rushes Nuthea to the nearest town where he finds a healer, a mysterious old man who saves Nuthea’s life with his arts. The trio are attacked by the Empire, who now have a bounty on Nuthea, but Elrann and Sagar arrive just in time to rescue them, the captive bounty hunter still in tow.Episode 9: Party of Six?The chocobo could only move at a brisk trot with three people on its back, but that didn’t matter as they’d left their assailants in total disarray. After his battle with the soldiers Ryn could barely run to keep up alongside it anyway. The old man didn’t move very fast either. Sagar sat upright on the chocobo next to Nuthea and the bounty hunter, clutching his wounded arm. The only person who seemed to have much strength left among them was Elrann, though she was still shaken from the sudden invasion of Imfis by the Empire, as far as Ryn could tell.When they’d made it a good way back into the woods outside Nonts and Ryn was satisfied that they hadn’t been pursued, he stopped them in a small clearing of beech trees. He, Elrann and the old man carefully lifted Nuthea down from the chocobo and lay her on the ground, then did the same with the gagged and bound bounty hunter, then helped Sagar down.Nuthea was the priority. Although Ryn’s heart had stopped palpitating when the old man had pronounced that she was going to live, she still hadn’t woken up and his heart was still beating faster than usual. He knelt down next to the princess. The old man had applied a fresh bandage from his bag to her abdomen and, mercifully, this one was not drenched in blood. Blood still stained her disheveled dress around it, though. Her face was still very pale--though Ryn fancied he could see a faint pinkness returning to her proud cheeks already--and frozen in a disapproving pout. Even unconscious she looked like she was about to deliver a lecture. “Is she going to be alright?” Ryn asked.“Yes,” the old man said plainly. “She should wake up soon.”The healer gently placed a hand on Nuthea’s forehead, closed his eyes and whispered something. He withdrew his hand.First, nothing. Then a flicker of consciousness passed across Nuthea’s face and she began to stir, wrinkling up her nose and frowning even more deeply. The pinkness in her cheeks grew warmer. She blinked, then opened her cool blue eyes and looked into Ryn’s.“Oh,” she said. “Why do you look so afraid, Ryn?”It was an unusual first question but Ryn supposed that it made sense. “I was afraid,” he said to her. “I thought...I thought you might have died...”Nuthea’s mouth pushed up into a smile underneath her heavy eyelids. “There’s no need to be afraid of death,” she said quietly, taking the opportunity to teach him something.“What happens to us after we die?” Ryn heard himself ask her. He didn’t know how she would know or why he was asking, but he asked her all the same.“If we have believed on the One, we go to be with Him forever.” “How can you be so sure?”“I don’t know. I’m not always. But right now, I am. I’m all the more sure from having just almost died.”“Well, I didn’t want you to go to be with the One just yet…”“What happened to me?”“You were attacked by a bounty hunter, but I found a healer for you. I’m… I’m glad you're alive…”His words ran out, and for a moment no more passed between them, and he hovered above the cool blue pools of her eyes.“Well, this is all very touching, pup, princess,” said Sagar, “but do you think I could get some attention from the old man, now, too? You’re not the only one who’s been hurt. I got injured rescuing you as well.”Ryn had forgotten that there was anyone else with them for a moment. They had all faded into the background temporarily.He coughed and let go of Nuthea’s hand, realising at the same time that he had been holding it.“Ah, I apologise, young man,” the healer said to Sagar. “Of course, you are injured too. Now that the young lady is alright, I can attend to you. Let me take a look.”Ryn helped Nuthea to sit up and they sat on the grass with Elrann and watched as the old man took out a small knife from the leather bag that he carried slung over one shoulder. Delicately, he cut the torn sleeve of Sagar’s shirt away to reveal the part of his upper arm where the bounty hunter had nicked it with his sword.Ryn winced. Underneath the shirt was a horizontal gash. It wasn’t too deep--the man in black had only sliced through the top layer of skin this time--and it had already started to scab up. But in amongst the red and brown of the scab was something else: a putrifying black colour.“Poison,” the old man, muttered. “Of course, the same as used on the young lady. Ajanga, as the other young man told me. I am sorry I did not get to you sooner. But now that I have, I can heal you. You did very well to last this long, young man--you must be feeling very weak.”“Just heal me, old timer,” said Sagar, eyeing Ryn.“Of course.”The old man rummaged around in his bag, then produced a small glass phial of some sort of silvery liquid.“Here, drink this antidote.” He pressed the bottle to Sagar’s lips and the skypirate drank a gulp. The old man shut his eyes and gently laid a hand on Sagar’s arm, over the cut. Sagar clenched his jaw. “Cure,” Ryn heard the old man whisper this time.Sagar’s eyes went wide and his head rocked back. He took the man’s hand off him.The black discolouring had disappeared from the cut on his arm. Not only that, but now the cut closed before their very eyes, the skin sealing itself up and returning to a pinky-white hue, as if nothing had ever happened.“Woah…” said Elrann.“It’s a miracle...” said Nuthea.“I…” said Sagar.He leapt at Ryn. Before Ryn knew what was happening he was lying flat on his back on the ground, Sagar pinning his chest down with one of his knees. The pirate had drawn one of his swords, and he pressed the blade into Ryn’s neck so that just the very tip of it pierced his skin, like a wasp sting sticking into him. What the hells is he doing? thought Ryn, not in a position to voice his question aloud.Ryn remembered why Sagar had cause to be angry.“Sagar!” called Nuthea from somewhere above. “Get off him!”“Just a moment, princess, we’ve got some business to settle.” Sagar leaned in close so that Ryn could see his stubble. His breath stank of stale tobacco leaf. Is he going to kill me? No--if Ryn knew Sagar at all, he would just threaten him. Or maybe slightly maim him?The pirate captain dropped his voice to a low growl. “Listen, pup, and listen good. If you ever pull something like that--unseating me from my mount by surprise--again, especially in front of the ladies, I will slit your throat quicker than you can say ‘naive little greenhorn pussywillow farm boy’. You got that?”Ryn wanted to gulp, but he thought just now that would be a bad idea. He also thought that that phrase took quite a long time to say, actually, but he thought it would be a bad idea to say that too.“Y-yes,” he said instead out of self-preservation.“Good,” said Sagar, keeping his voice low. “I’m going to let you up now, and you’re going to support me in my suggestion that we keep traveling to Manolia so I can collect the reward for the princess. Clear?”“Clear,” croaked Ryn, though he hated himself for acquiescing so easily. He didn’t really have any other choice though.“Sagar!” said Nuthea again.“Al-right!” said Sagar like a henpecked husband, and got up off Ryn.Ryn stood up, rubbing his throat. His hand came away with a small smear of blood on it, but it wasn’t much--Sagar had only pricked him.“Silly boys,” said Nuthea with a roll of her eyes, as if Ryn had been just as complicit as Sagar in what had just happened.“How did you do that?” said Elrann. She addressed the old man, but she was looking at the still-exposed flesh of Sagar’s arm where his cut had sealed itself up.“Yes, that was truly remarkable!” said Nuthea. “A miracle!”Ryn hadn’t heard this word before. “What’s a miracle?”“The way that he healed Sagar’s wound. And mine. Mine even more so!” Nuthea placed her hand over the fresh bandage on her abdomen. “I can barely feel any pain anymore. And my wound has closed up too. That man”--her eyes flicked over to where the bounty hunter in black lay tied up on the floor--“gave me quite a cut.”“No,” said Ryn, “I mean, what is a ‘miracle’? What does it mean?”“A miracle is a wondrous sign that points to the One,” Nuthea recited, closing her eyes for a moment and holding up a finger. “It’s when the One works in the world to show His power.”“It’s not a miracle, princess,” said Sagar, shaking his head. “There are no such things. Don’t be foolish. This healer just used his arts to heal Nuthea’s wound, is all—didn’t you, old timer?”They all looked at the old man. He smiled, deep lines forming around his white-bearded mouth and under his bushy white eyebrows. “I did do that,” he said happily. “Whether you want to call it a miracle or not is up to you.”“But you made the wound close up by itself!” said Elrann. “How did you do that?”“The medicine he gave me,” said Sagar. “Obviously.”“But you did something else to him as well, didn’t you?” said Elrann.The old man’s smile grew wider. “I couldn’t possibly say.”Ryn remembered the man whispering the word ‘Cure’.“I am telling you, it’s a miracle,” said Nuthea.“I still don’t get what you mean by ‘miracle’,” said Ryn.“A miracle, Ryn, is when the One acts out of the normal course of things to show his power. Look at it like this:” (Ryn was amazed again at how easily, having been so recently near the edge of death, Nuthea was able to resume her usual teacherly manner.) “In the course of life, and death, things normally happen a certain way: The sun rises in the east and sets in the west, heavy things sink and light things float, and wounds do not close up by themselves. All these things have been arranged by the One, the God of gods. But sometimes the One intervenes in the normal course of things and changes something, to show that he is there and that he has the power to do so. It’s a bit like the writer of a story putting something into the story to show that they wrote it.” She pointed to Sagar’s arm. “This was clearly a miracle. My healing too is clearly a miracle, performed through this healer by the One, to show us that He endorses our quest.”Sagar snorted loudly.“If you have something to say, dear Captain, please say it,” said Nuthea.“I’m telling you, it’s not a miracle!” said the pirate. “There is no ‘One’, or any god at all! This healer simply used his skill and medicines to heal you, princess. You’d be surprised at what bodies are capable of doing to heal themselves, with a little help. I’ve seen a man’s belly be torn open by a cutlass only to have it close up and heal itself the next day after a night drinking rum. I’ve seen a man ghostly pale with the pox spring up right as rain when a skysailor’s blessing was spoken over him. I’ve seen a man who had lost his eye in a fight screaming and wailing on the floor one moment leap up and kill his five attackers the next.” He patted his eye patch. “It happens. They weren’t miracles. They were just the ‘normal course of things’.”“You’re wrong,” said Nuthea, eyes flashing.Ryn could more than detect an argument brewing so he decided to interrupt before she could say any more. “Look, why don’t we just ask the healer himself?”“There’s an idea,” said Sagar, clearly of the opinion that the old man was going to agree with his side of the argument. “Did you do a miracle or not, old timer? Tell us straight.”The old man sniffed and wiped his nose. “I think it is best at this point if I keep my methods to myself,” he said in his kindly voice, slightly throaty with age. “I put my healers’ arts to use in service of the pair of you and I did everything I knew to do in your situations, and happily you have both recovered...that is all I will say on the matter.”“There you go,” said Sagar, folding his arms, interpreting the old man as agreeing with his own opinion. “Healers’ arts. Not a miracle.”“I will add, however,” the old man spoke up, “that I too am a follower of the One. It is good to meet a granddaughter in the faith, young lady.”Nuthea’s face lit up. Ryn found himself hoping he would be able to make her beam like that one day. “Oh! A father!” she exclaimed. “I’m so pleased to meet you!”She stepped up to the old man and they each gave one another a light kiss on either cheek.“Urgh…” said Sagar, slapping his hand over his face. “Not another one…”“Please, granddaughter” said the old man to Nuthea, “I am old in years. You do me a great honour, but ‘Grandfather’ will do.”“Huh?” said Ryn, his brow knotting. “‘Grandfather’? What are you talking about?”“It’s part of their religion, farmboy,” Elrann explained to him. “The Cult of the One are a worldwide religion, not just limited to a particular place. You do meet them sometimes. I’ve come across a few on my travels. They all see themselves as this big sort of family, with the One as their Supreme Father. So they call their younger women ‘daughters’, older women ‘mothers’, then there’s ‘sisters’, ‘brothers’, ‘fathers’, an’ stuff. I’ve never heard of no ‘grandfather’ before though.”“Yes,” said Nuthea, smiling, “that honorific is reserved for the eldest and wisest of men. There aren’t many of them in Manolia, where I am from. What is your name, Grandfather?” “I am called Cid,” said the old man, smiling in return.“Well, this is all very touching; old timer, princess,” said Sagar, “but now that you’re healed we need to be getting back on our way. Do I need to remind you that you’ve got a war to prevent, and I’ve got a reward to collect?”The old man’s eyes widened.“Hey numb-nuts, give her a moment,” said Elrann. “She’s just barely avoided dying from a mortal wound. Give her a bit of time to recover!”“She’s fine now!” said Sagar impatiently, flinging out his hand to indicate Nuthea’s bandaged abdomen. “The medicine-man worked his magic, or whatever you want to call it. Let’s get this show back on the road!”Ryn’s blood began to boil, but the old man called Cid spoke first.“Actually, there is some wisdom in your companion’s suggestion,” the healer said diplomatically, stroking his white beard with one hand. “It would make much sense for the young lady to rest awhile. Although my arts are powerful, her wound was almost mortal, and she could do with at least a night here to recover fully before you go on your way. What’s more, that will give me time to pack my things.”“Pack your things?” said Ryn. “Why?”“I’m coming with you.” “What?!” said Sagar.“PUUUUU--UUUUUY!”They all looked round, startled by the sudden muffled shout.The bounty hunter in black had begun to writhe around where he lay tied up on the ground, violently throwing his head this way and that and shouting something so loudly that they could hear it through his gag, although it was still impossible to make out what he was saying. In their heated conversation they had completely forgotten about him.“PUU--UUY!” cried the man as he twisted on the ground, contorting his body inside the ropes. “PUU--UUY!”“What’s wrong with him?” said Cid, concern raising the normally deep pitch of his voice.“He’s a damned poppy addict,” Sagar said with a dismissive wave. “I promised him I would give him some if he told us the way to Nonts. Now the fool’s having a tantrum.”“No,” said Cid, his bushy brows pushing together, “don’t you understand? Poppy addicts experience terrible withdrawal symptoms if they don’t ingest again within fourteen days. They have fits, and it feels like utter agony. Their whole body can flare with terrible pain and convulsions. Sometimes it can be so bad that it kills them. If they come off it, they have to cut down gradually. He needs some poppy seed.” He reached into his leather satchel and began to rummage around. “So what?” said Sagar. “Who’s going to give it to him? I don’t have any. Let the b*****d die. He’s served his purpose. I don’t know why he is still alive, anyway. I don’t even know why the pup wanted to keep him alive in the first place.” Ryn bristled and his pulse quickened. “He did tell us the way to Nonts,” he said defensively. “And he told us about the poison he used on his sword.”“If you hadn’t kept him alive for that, this young lady would be dead,” said Cid, glancing at Nuthea as he knelt down on the ground next to the squirming bounty hunter. He carefully held the man’s head in place with one hand, and with the other untied his gag. The cloth of material fell away from the man’s face, and Cid tugged the bottom of the man’s headscarf down too, exposing his blackened mouth. “POPPY!” the bounty hunter shouted in an inhumanly shrill voice, like he was being tortured. “GIVE ME POPPY!”“Shhhh,” soothed Cid.“What are you doing, old man?” said Sagar.“I carry poppy with me in my healer’s bag,” said Cid. “It’s not just used for pleasure--in smaller doses it’s useful as an anaesthetic--to numb pain. In fact, I gave a very small amount to the young lady earlier.”“That explains a lot…” Sagar mumbled. Nuthea didn’t respond.Cid produced a small glass phial of many round, black objects--seeds-- unstoppered it, and tipped a few into the bounty hunter’s mouth.“GIVE ME POP--” the bounty hunter shrieked again when he had swallowed, but then stopped mid-word. Immediately his grey eyes went glassy, his pupils grew bigger, and his body went still, no longer convulsing and wriggling. He lay his head back on the ground and stared up above him, though his eyes had lost focus. “Ahhhhh…” A long, blissful sigh escaped the bounty hunter’s lips.“What’s happened to him?” asked Nuthea.“He’s gone into a poppy trance,” Sagar said scornfully.“What’s that?” asked Ryn.“Ain’t you seen one of these either?” said Elrann. “You need to get out more, farmboy.”“It’s good that he is tied up for the moment,” said Cid as he watched the bounty hunter enjoying his reverie. “A poppy trance, when you ingest a large amount of poppy all at once, is a state of euphoria--bliss--unlike any other. It is supposed to be the most wonderful and amazing sensation that can be experienced in Mid, though I have my doubts about that. And it comes at a terrible cost. Once a person has experienced a poppy trance, they almost without fail become enslaved to it. Once the trance wears off it is only a matter of time before the person’s body, mind and spirit desire to experience the trance again, and so they become addicted to it, trapped in a never-ending cycle of craving and acting more and more desperately to obtain their next ‘hit’ of poppy seed. If you say this man is a bounty hunter, I would not be surprised if he became one in order to feed his poppy habit.”“Why is it ‘good’ that he’s tied up, then?” asked Ryn.“Some people can actually do things while they are in a poppy trance--get up, walk around, and so on--and they can last quite a long time, depending on how much the person takes. Peculiarly, you also have heightened senses, and are actually slightly stronger and faster during a poppy trance. So it’s very good that he is tied up. Though you better make sure he is properly tied up.”“You seem to know an awful lot about poppy trances, old timer...” said Sagar as he bent over the bounty hunter and pulled on his cords to check they were tight enough. The bounty hunter moaned merrily.“It’s my job to know,” said Cid. “I’ve treated many a poppy addict in my time.”“What, get a lot of them in small-town Nonts, do you?”“I have not always lived in Nonts,” said Cid with a wry smile.“Hey,” said Ryn, remembering what they had been talking about before they had been interrupted by the poppy-addict bounty hunter. “What did you mean you’re ‘coming with us’, anyway?”“Yeah, old timer,” said Sagar, “who said you were tagging along?”“Well,” said Cid, “just now I heard you say that you’re journeying to prevent a war and to do something for this young lady here. That sounds like a noble cause to me. It’s been a while since I’ve been adventuring and I’m itching to have one more adventure before I pass into the furtherlife. I have no living relatives left alive in Nonts and my apprentice is ready to take over at the Healing House. Now that Imfis has been invaded I have little desire to work as a healer in the service of the Morekemian Empire. So, I would like to come with you on your journey.”The four of them--Ryn, Nuthea, Sagar, Elrann--all looked at each other, silently conferring over the possibility of adding this fifth member to their party (sixth, if you counted the captive bounty hunter).Sagar ran his tongue along his upper lip. “I’m not buying this,” he said. “You’ve only just met us, old timer. You did us a favour healing me and Nuthea, I’ll grant you that, and we still need to pay you, but you’ve no good reason to suddenly join us on the turn of a bronze piece. You don’t even know what we’re doing, really. What’s really going on here?”Cid’s smile grew even deeper, and he closed his eyes as he spoke. “Ah, you have me there, mister ‘captain’. I have my own personal reasons for joining you. But I would rather keep them to myself, for now. Suffice to say, my intentions are purely noble. And you need not worry about paying me for the healings--I have plenty of coin.” “Oh, do come with us!” said Nuthea, clapping her hands together. “Do come with us, grandfather!”Sagar slapped his hand to his forehead. “Not this again…”“I will say,” said Cid, opening his eyes, and now they seemed to shine, though Ryn saw no colour in them except white light, “that from the way that this young man threw fire, and you, young man, commanded the wind, I assume that each of you is Jewel-touched. Therefore I also deduce that your journey has something to do with the Primeval Jewels, whether or not you know it yet. I discern here the Will of the One. Therefore, I would come with you to assist you.”“Look,” said Sagar, “that’s all well and good, old timer, but not all of us buy into your religious mumbo-jumbo. Some of us may be ‘Jewel-touched’, or whatever you call it, but that’s got nothing to do with what we’re doing. I’m escorting the princess here back to her home country so that I can be handsomely rewarded.”“Yeah,” said Ryn, feeling the need to speak up too, “and I’m trying to find the Imperial Officer who killed my parents and burned down my hometown, who’s probably headed in the same direction, so I can get revenge on him. I’m just tagging along with these guys until I can find him.” As he said it, he knew that it was no longer the whole of the truth. But he wasn’t about to admit that to everyone. Mother. Father. Hometown. Find Vorr. Get Vorr. Kill Vorr. Stay with Nuthea?“S’right,” said Elrann, “and I’m just sticking around with these guys ‘cause they’re the last contract I took before the invasion, till something better comes up.” Ryn wondered if that wasn’t the whole truth, as well.“Ahhhhhhh…” said the bounty hunter from somewhere in his poppy trance.“Be that as it may,” said Cid, “two of you are Jewel-touched--”“Three, actually!” said Nuthea happily. “I am Lightning-Crystal-touched.”Cid’s bushy eyebrows nearly jumped off his face.“Why would you volunteer that information, princess?” Sagar said, shaking his head at her. “You need to be a lot more careful who you go around telling that too. You’re far too trusting.”Nuthea bit her lip, but then she said “It’s alright. He is a grandfather in the faith. I trust him.”“Three of you are jewel-touched!” said Cid. “Well, that settles it even further. I would come with you to serve as your healer. And what of this ‘war’ you are seeking to prevent that I heard you mention?”“I’m trying to get back to Manolia as soon as possible,” said Nuthea in her refined, royal tones, “to warn them that the Morekemian Emperor has gained knowledge of the Jewels, and is seeking them. I hope that this may prepare them for whatever he is planning.”“What could be a more noble cause?” said Cid. “Truly, I discern the Will of the One in this. Again I tell you, I would come with you to serve as your healer.”“Alright, alright, team huddle,” said Sagar, and beckoned for Ryn, Nuthea and Elrann to come close. Ryn wasn’t sure when they had become a ‘team’ but he supposed that they were one. They had by now, after all, fought off and escaped from not one, but two groups of Imperial soldiers together. Ryn felt a little twinge of irritation in his gut that Sagar seemed to have made himself the ‘leader’ of the team. But he left that alone for now.“Just wait over there for a bit while we talk this over, old timer,” said Sagar, gesturing for Cid to move away, who did so.The four of them linked arms and put their heads together. Ryn had never been so close to Nuthea’s face. But he was also close to Sagar’s face again on the other side. Urgh. Elrann faced him on the opposite side of the huddle.“I don’t like this one bit,” said Sagar quietly. “The old timer’s hiding something, I know it. Our traveling party’s getting big enough as it is. I say we rob him of his stuff and leave him here.” “Captain Sagar!” said Nuthea. “Even for a pirate that is despicable! He is perfectly trustworthy. He is a follower of the One, and he has already healed both of us.”“He is good at healing...” said Elrann. Sagar frowned at her from his place in the huddle, looking betrayed. “You’re on board with this guy too, woman?”“He just seems like a kind old man to me. You’re right, I don’t believe in any of this ‘One’ stuff either, but I’m prepared to believe he believes it. What has he done for us so far? Healed two of us, and helped calm down that bat-poodoo crazy bounty hunter.”Sagar’s frown grew more pronounced, like milk curdling.“That’s two against one,” said Nuthea, seizing upon the opportunity. “Ryn--you have the deciding vote: either we are locked two against two in a tie, or Grandfather Cid can come with us. What’s your answer?”Ryn considered his opinion of the old man. He thought back over what he knew about him so far. “Well, when he found out I knew someone who was hurt he came with me straight away. Then, Elrann’s right, he healed you, Nuthea, while we were fighting off the soldiers. Then he healed Sagar’s arm. Then he helped us out with the screaming bounty hunter, who could have attracted the soldiers to our position. And he doesn’t even want us to pay him for any of that. I…”“Yes?” said Nuthea.“...trust him,” finished Ryn.“Rrrr, fine,” said Sagar exasperatedly, his face turning red. He broke the huddle abruptly and turned toward the old man. “Alright old timer, apparently you can come with us, for some reason.”“Wonderful,” said Cid, with a smile.“You can come with us on the condition that you don’t try to pull anything funny or slow down our trip. The minute that happens--” Sagar drew a finger across his throat to indicate a decapitating action.“Of course,” said Cid, still smiling. “You have nothing to worry about, young man.”“We still have a problem, though” said Ryn, seeing a chance to make himself more of the leader. “Where are we going to go now, and how are we going to get there?”“Now that I am healed,” said Nuthea, “I still need to get to Manolia as quickly as possible.”“The plan is the same,” said Sagar. “We make for Sirra, the Imfisi capital, and try to board a train to Manolia.” He looked over at the chocobo, which had crouched down and rested its head on the ground plaintively. It cawed. “Actually, now that we have the bird, I could simply ride there with the princess to get the train. The rest of you coming on foot would only slow us down. I say we part ways here.”Heat rose in Ryn’s chest. “Hey! There’s no way you’re ditching us here! I’m still heading that way to look for General Vorr, remember?”“Yeah, and there’s no way I’m walking all the way to Sirra, now that we have a chocobo,” said Elrann.“And it does somewhat defeat my joining you to be your healer if I don’t actually join you to be your healer...” said Cid.“Ahhhhhhhhh…” said the bounty hunter from his place on the ground.Sagar merely pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes malevolently.“Yes,” said Nuthea, “we travel together. As grandfather said, the One clearly has a purpose in bringing us all together. Especially you, Ryn, with your fire gift.” Ryn stood a little taller. The heat in his chest was replaced by a light, dreamlike sensation that moved up into his head. “But Sagar is right…” The lightness disappeared as quickly as it had come. “...we’re going too slowly on foot. And no doubt all the Imperial troops in the area will be searching for us now. We all need a way of traveling more quickly to get to Sirra.”“I may be able to help there,” said Cid.The four of them turned to look at him.Cid nodded towards the bounty hunter’s steed. “Your man in black must have rented or stolen that bird from the chocobo stable in Nonts. None of you will be able to show your face there--especially you, Granddaughter--but I can. As far as the Empire know, I’m a nobody. I handed over my Healing House to my apprentice before they arrived. They have no idea who I am.”“Won’t they have seen you escaping with us?” asked Ryn.“I doubt it,” said Cid. “You killed all of the soldiers in Eda’s house, didn’t you?” Eda must be the old woman who had betrayed Ryn to the Imperials. “Yes,” said Sagar. “And I doubt they would have had time to get a good look at me in the chaos that followed, especially what with you throwing wind spells all over the place. Even if they did, I can just say that I’m a retired old man with some healing skills whom you forced to heal someone for you and then abandoned in the forest. They won’t look at me twice. I will go and find a couple more chocobos for us.”“Oh, you’d do that for us, Grandfather?” said Nuthea. Ryn thought she was laying it on a bit thick. “Of course,” said Cid. “As I say, I have plenty of coin. This is good--this way I can go home before we leave and pick up some supplies--gold, a cloak, some sleeping mats, that sort of thing.”“Food?” said Elrann.“Naturally,” said Cid. “Are you hungry, young lady?”“We haven’t eaten since last night.”“Well of course, then! You must be famished. I will bring as much as I can carry, and gold to buy more. I best be off. I will meet you back here in a few hours, with the chocobos.”“Not here,” said Sagar. “We need to keep moving while you’re getting your supplies, old timer. The Imperials will be looking for us.”“You’re quite right,” said Cid. “Tell you what: meet me at the crest of the hill a few miles due east of Nonts. It’s wooded there too, so you’ll be sheltered.”“Good idea, Grandfather,” said Nuthea.“Let’s go,” said Elrann.“Hmph,” said Sagar.“Ahhhhhh…” said the bounty hunter, still in his poppy trance.“Wait,” said Ryn, realising something.“What?” The others turned to him.“Him,” said Ryn, pointing at the bounty hunter. “We still haven’t decided what to do about him.”“He’s served his purpose,” said Sagar. “I say we slit his throat and leave him to die here.”“Sagar!” said Nuthea. “No! Who is this man, anyway?”“Who do you think, princess? This is the bounty hunter that jumped us and made that cut in your belly before the old timer healed you. Pup here kept him alive out of ‘pity’ or some such nonsense. I suppose he did tell us the way to get to Nonts. But there’s no reason to keep him alive any longer.”“Well done, Ryn,” said Nuthea, completely unexpectedly.Sagar put his head in his hands.“Why?” said Ryn.“Oneism teaches to love one’s enemies, and that it is wrong to kill another living thing. Forgiveness and restoration are always possible.”“But I’ve seen you cook Imperial soldiers in their armour with lightning bolts!”“That was different…” said Nuthea sheepishly, rubbing her arm and looking sidelong at Cid. “That was self-defense…”“Be that as it may, Granddaughter is right,” said Cid. “It would be wrong to kill and abandon this pitiful soul. It would only add more evil to the world.”Sagar had turned red. “Rrrr. Not this again! You two are completely crazy!”“You know,” said Elrann, “for once, I agree with the jackass. I’m not saying we have to kill him, but there’s no sense in keeping this guy around. He’s clearly dangerous. I don’t see what good can come of it.”“Thank you, woman. At least one of you is seeing sense.”“Well that’s two against two again,” said Nuthea. “If we’re going to go with the ‘majority vote’ in this team, a concept which while vulgar I am not entirely unfamiliar with, then you get the deciding vote again, Ryn.”Ryn looked down at the entranced bounty hunter laying face up on the ground. Right now the man’s dark eyes were glassy and unfocused, staring off into the leaves and sky above them while he occasionally emitted moans of pleasure. But Ryn remembered the look in the man’s eyes the first time Sagar had been about to kill him. Somewhere in that gray Ryn had seen terror, and desperation, and trauma. Somewhere in that gray Ryn had seen--humanity. And he had known in that instant that really, despite the man’s appearance and current choice of occupation, he and Ryn weren’t all that different. This man had seen horrible things in his life too, and maybe it was those horrible things that had driven him to what he was doing now. He was a person too.“He stays with us,” said Ryn. “He knew the way to Nonts. He told us what poison he had used. He may know his way around the rest of Imfis. He might be able to give us information about the Empire.” Like where Vorr is, for example. “He might prove helpful yet.”Sagar threw up his hands in exasperation. “This is insane!” He sighed passive-aggressively, like an angry horse whinnying. “Fine, you had better load him onto the chocobo then, pup, seeing as you’re so desperate not to part from him--he’s not going anywhere by himself any time soon. You go get your supplies, old timer--we’ll meet you at the top of the hill east of Nonts in a few hours.” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit faenon.substack.com

A poor but nerdy taxidermist is hired to mount the trophy of a lifetime.   Cast List Debra Meeks - Emmatrice Devan Curt - Cole Hornaday Dougie - George Dunn Da Boss - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Olsen - Femnomena Zalmoxis - Danar Hoverson Roderick - Julie Hoverson Music by Deied Theme music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:  Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson [Taxidermy pics used with permission from Custom Creature Taxidermy Arts] "What kind of a place is it? Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?" ************************************************************************   A STITCH IN TIME Cast: Olivia Debra Meeks, lonely taxidermist Curt Buchner, low-level thug Dougie Block, ranking thug William Buchner, high-level cultist Mrs. Olsen, next door with cats Zalmoxis, ancient god OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the street outside a taxidermist's workshop, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     INSIDE CAR NOISES (not driving), RAIN SOUND    RADIO TURNS OFF, MUSIC OUT CURT    [sincere]  Nice night. DOUGIE    Nice?  You like rain? CURT    [eager] Yeah.  Course, it's better when there's lightning too. DOUGIE    You wouldn't want to be in the car then - too much metal CURT    [eager] Oh, no, just the opposite - the tires would protect us.  Keep us from being grounded. DOUGIE    Right.  Whatever. CURT    [musing] Especially wouldn't want to be outside if you had a metal plate in your head. DOUGIE    A what?  [half a laugh] How many people do you actually know with a freaking metal plate in their head? CURT    Um...  [thinks] six. DOUGIE    Six?  you know six freaking people with --  Nah!  You're so full of shit your eyes are brown. CURT    Six.  Benny the geek, Mr. Jones, my gramps - got his in Okinawa, my uncle Lenny - in Nam, my niece Bevvy-- DOUGIE    Your niece?  She see action overseas too? CURT    Don't be silly, she's five.  Playground accident, but she's doing fine - her dad even shaved his head to match hers so she won't feel so self-conscious til her hair grows back to cover the scar. DOUGIE    So who's number six? CURT    Hmm? DOUGIE    That's five, who's six? CURT    Oh!  [chuckles] Me. DOUGIE    Great, runs in the family. CURT    Guess you could say that.  I-- DOUGIE    Oops.  Time to bring in the packages.  Don't want to be late - you know the boss. SOUND    GETTING OUT OF THE CAR DOUGIE    "D. Meeks, Taxidermy"  Hey - that's funny, "D. Meeks" CURT    Huh? DOUGIE    You know, D. Meeks'll inherit D Earth, and all that. [laughs] CURT    [missed it by a mile] Oh.  Um, I guess so. DOUGIE    [Exasperated noise] MUSIC DEBRA    [very uncomfortable, searching for excuses] Never done anything big - I mean, I did take a prize for mounting a bear, but it was a really really small brown. WILLIAM    ["mob boss"] I don't think you understand my... uh... position, dear lady.  I have come to you, not with a request, but a requirement. DEBRA    But why me? WILLIAM    I have seen your work, and know of the prizes you have taken, and believe you are the only one who can do the job I need done with the grace and skill I need it to be done with. SOUND    THUMPING AS SOMETHING BIG AND HEAVY IS DROPPED IN HALL.  THEN A TENTATIVE KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAM    [sigh] Both of which are qualities sorely lacking these days.  [sigh] Raoul, let them in. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS DEBRA    What exactly do you need stuffed? WILLIAM    We will get to that in a moment, first-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS WILLIAM    --Ah, Curt, Dougie, so glad you could join us.  DEBRA    [quiet, to herself] That's funny, I once had a cat named Doogie.  No, that's wrong - I once stuffed a cat named Doogie. DOUGIE    [fawning]  Glad to help, Mr. Williams. SOUND    DOOR CLOSES WILLIAM    The young lady here is Debra Meeks - a true artiste.  I believe you have something for her, Dougie? DEBRA    [quiet, to herself] Doogie mouser. DOUGIE    Right here, Mr. Williams. CURT    [Snickers, getting her joke] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, BRIEFCASE SET ON BENCH, LATCHES SNAP, CASE OPENS DEBRA    Holy crow!  Is that--? WILLIAM    Two-hundred, fifty thousand dollars.  Which, coincidentally, is just about twice your total debts, what with the failing business and the house and all - rounded up, of course, since no one likes small change... DEBRA    And I just have to do the one job? WILLIAM    Just one.  But I must have your absolute assurance and agreement before I can show you the subject in question. DEBRA    [thinking, muttering]  I could really-- SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY DEBRA    --really use that, wouldn't have to do any more crummy data entry-- WILLIAMS    The offer expires in 30 seconds, my dear young lady.  Please think quickly. DEBRA    [muttered]  Hang gliding, jello body rub, Trip to Mall of America, scatter dad properly... WILLIAMS    Five.  Four.  Three. DEBRA    All right.  Whatever you want. WILLIAMS    I do require absolute discretion.  Can you guarantee that?  DEBRA    Ye-es.  Yes.  WILLIAMS    Good.  Why don't you boys bring in the other package. DOUGIE    Gotcha.  Sir. SOUND    DOOR OPENS AGAIN, HEAVY ITEM ROLLED IN DEBRA    [gasp] MUSIC DEBRA    [hyperventilating into a paper bag] CURT    Come on, it ain't that bad. DEBRA    But -- [gasp, goes back into bag] CURT    You musta seen all kinds of dead things before. SOUND    BAG SNATCHED AWAY, SQUEAKY TOY STARTS UP DEBRA    Not a person!  CURT    Just think of it as a really big ... badger or something. WILLIAMS    [off, sweet] Are you ready to hear the rest of your commission, Miss Meeks?  [harder] Curt? CURT    [calling over shoulder]  Just about.  [back to her] Come on.  DEBRA    Badger.  Right.  [deep breath]  A big, [gasp] bald, [breath] badger.  [bad accent] We don't need no steenkin'-- CURT    [low] You might want to stop with the squeaking.  I think it's getting on the boss's nerves. DEBRA    The..?  SOUND    SLOW LET GO OF THE SQUEAK DEBRA    Oh.  It helps with stress. CURT    Yours, maybe - but his...?  Ya know. DEBRA    Um-hmm. SOUND    SQUEAKY OUT WILLIAMS    So glad you could rejoin us.  I apologize for the shock this must be, but you see now why I was forced to extract your agreement before I could show you the subject? DEBRA    Uh-huh. SOUND    SLOW SQUEAK, IN-OUT MUSIC DEBRA    [irritated, "move out of my way"] Excuse me. DOUGIE    [snort] DEBRA    Can you bring ... that ...on in here?  I have to... well, I have to see what needs to be done. DOUGIE    It's not as heavy as it looks.  Get it yourself.  I'm just supposed to keep an eye on you.  Make sure you don't phone no one or louse this up. DEBRA    Your boss said you were supposed to make sure I got it done right. DOUGIE    Yeah, well, who's stopping you? DEBRA    [loud sigh/growl of exasperation] SOUND    ANGRY FOOTSTEPS, TRYING TO MOVE A HEAVY OBJECT [COFFIN] ON WHEELS, BUT BANGING INTO WALLS DEBRA    This is a two person job! DOUGIE    I ain't in the mortician's union. DEBRA    Fine. SOUND    COFFIN LID RAISES, SLAMS INTO WALL DEBRA    It would be the feet end.  [sigh]  Ok -- ew! SOUND    SCUFFLE OF FABRIC, SQUEAKY TOY GOES A MILE A MINUTE DOUGIE    Leave off, already! DEBRA    He's still warm!  Ew! MUSIC     SOMBER, FUNEREAL SOUNDS    THROUGHOUT, ODD PLOPS AND DRIPS, CUTTING NOISES CURT    So if you've won all these awards, how come you're broke? DEBRA    Not much call for taxidermy, these days - PETA, all that.  We fly a little under the radar, since fur coats are a bigger splash in the news, but we take our share of flack. SOUND    HEAVY PLOP CURT    So why do it?  DEBRA    I'm good at it.  You don't stop doing something you're good at just cause no one cares, do ya? CURT    But what if what you're good at doesn't ... well... get you anywhere? SOUND    ALL AMBIANCE STOPS, EXCEPT DRIPPING NOISES DEBRA    [wipes face with back of sleeve] Like what? CURT    I ran track.  A lot.  But what does that do for you, unless you want to be a fugitive on Cops? DEBRA    [giggles] CURT    Why're you taking off your glasses? DEBRA    Just trying to picture you with your face all blurred out. SOUND    CUTTING AND NOISES BEGIN AGAIN, A MOMENT OF JUST THIS, THEN: DEBRA    How'd you go from track to - um - CURT    Wiseguy? DEBRA    Is that what it's called? CURT    Good enough.  [shrugs] Mister Williams is my uncle.  It ain't a bad job.  [beat]  What got you into this?  This dead animal stuff? DEBRA    Promise you won't laugh? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY CURT    Sure. DEBRA    No really, promise. CURT    I promise. DEBRA    I was about seven.  It was a - bad time.  My folks were using me as the tug in a divorce tug-o-war, so I took apart my teddy bear, to see what made him squeak.  I very carefully picked out the stitches and pulled this out‑‑ SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY CURT    Your keychain? DEBRA    No, I put it on there years later.  CURT    Most kids, when they operate on a toy, decide to become doctors.  [shrug]  Or serial killers. DEBRA    Yeah, but I restuffed and sewed him back up again.  Over and over again.  I kept sewing different things into him, too.  Trying to see how much I could hide in there. SOUND    BIG PLOP DEBRA    Uhhh.  Hand me the hose? MUSIC AMBIANCE    SCRAPING SOUNDS DEBRA    I had to choose between maintaining the carcass or the skin.  Your boss indicated he needed the skin as intact as possible-- SOUND    MAGAZINE PAGE TURNS DOUGIE    Whatever.  You know, I ain't actually listening to you.  DEBRA    --So I won't be able to make a mold from the original carcass, since I'm having to sacrifice the smaller bits, like fingers-- What? DOUGIE    I'm not listening. DEBRA    Why not?  You could learn something. DOUGIE    I could also lose my lunch.  [sigh] SOUND    MAGAZINE SLAPPED DOWN DOUGIE    How does a moderately cute dame like you end up elbow deep in guts on a daily basis? DEBRA    I-- I don't know.  SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY A COUPLE OF TIMES DOUGIE    You almost done here?  The boss is supposed to be back with your next set of instructions this evening. DEBRA    Just the hardest bits are left - you know - very delicate, paper thin skin, lots of crenellations.  I wonder if I could just cut 'em off, hollow 'em out, and rebuild 'em later? DOUGIE    [very creeped]  Ohhhhh.  Now I'm really not listening.  Urp. SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, DOOR DEBRA    What's he got against ears? MUSIC WILLIAMS    And the progress? DEBRA    I got the hide off, but it's not all in one piece - humans just don't come apart that easily.  Our... skin... is really ...um.... too thin.  I can stitch it back together, but there's also no pelt to cover up the stitches-- WILLIAMS    The stitches will be fine.  And I've brought you the stuffing materials-- DEBRA    Mounting.  We prefer "mounting".   Anyway, really what I need next is a drum of grease cutter - mild dishwashing liquid'll do - don't want anything too harsh that'll dry out the-- WILLIAMS    Dougie will get it for you.  [an order] Won't you Dougie?  For now, I have brought you your mounting materials.  You understand that it is very important to use what I brought and only what I brought.  I even have special thread for you to use for stitching it all up again. DEBRA    But I - I need a framework - heavy sculpted foam works just fine, [slowing a bit] though I can't exactly order off the rack for-- WILLIAMS    You may have noticed this project is ... unique.  SOUND    RUSTLE OF A LARGE SHEAF OF PAPERS WILLIAMS     I have very specific requirements as to how you are to proceed. SOUND    KNOCK AT THE DOOR WILLIAMS    What is that?  You were supposed to-- SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY GOES LIKE CRAZY DEBRA    I'll tell them to go away. DOUGIE    [menacing] If you don't I will. MRS. OLSEN    [muffled] Debbie?  Dear?  It's time! DEBRA    Oh, jeez.  WILLIAMS    What? DEBRA    My landlady Mrs. Olsen - we have this standing agreement that whenever one of her cats dies, She brings it on in. MRS. OLSEN    Debbie?  I know you're in there! DEBRA    I'll go get Roderick and put him on ice until I'm done with [swallows nervously] your project.  WILLIAMS    Won't she notice if it takes longer than usual?  DEBRA    Nah.  She's pretty gone - up there.  I'll just keep telling her she only brought him in yesterday... SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS DEBRA    Psst.  Don't let her see you. DOUGIE    Hmph. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. OLSEN    Oh, there you are, Debbie.  Did I catch you in the crapper?  I'm so sorry, but poor Mr. Roderick's time has come. DEBRA    I'm so very sorry. MRS. OLSEN    That's all right.  He's in a better place.  Cream and honey.  Cream and honey.  Here's his poor little body.  You always do such a good job for me, Debbie. DEBRA    I know. Yeah.  I'll bring him back to you when he's ready to rejoin the family. MRS. OLSEN    So kind.  Now I must get home - Roderick's about to have kittens! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS DOUGIE    I thought ... Roderick was dead.  DEBRA    She names all her cats Roderick.  Saves on changing the names on the bowls. DOUGIE    How many have you--? DEBRA    Thirty four. DOUGIE    How many does she--? DEBRA    Depends on how big a litter Roderick has. MUSIC WILLIAMS    So, now you have these big bags of--  Dougie? DOUGIE    Yeah?  Uh, here, boss. SOUND    HEAVY BAG DUMPED ON FLOOR, CRUNCHES WILLIAMS    We'll just call them Tana leaves.  Got it?  They must fill up the bulk of the body.  SOUND    BAG BEING POKED DEBRA    They're kind of pokey.  Might tear the ... hide.  Can I grind them?  WILLIAMS    Hmm.  I don't see why not - but let me get back to you on that before you go off and do something unfortunate.  DEBRA    Ok.  Um... SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS    [waits a second, then]  Yeah?  Speak up? DEBRA    I only ask, because it does affect how I do my job, ok? WILLIAMS    Only ask what? DEBRA    Is this - the whole thing - something that needs to...um....last?  Is it going to be moved around a lot? WILLIAMS    Let's say - yes. DEBRA    And you really sure you don't want a central framework?  Not even wire reinforcement? WILLIAMS    That's what I said. DEBRA    I need to reinforce the hide somehow or those leaves will rub the crap out of it.  CURT    The skin can tear real easy. DEBRA    Yeah. WILLIAMS    I'll check on that.  You got stuff to do until I get back to you, right?  Good. MUSIC SOUND    SOMETHING LARGE PULLED OUT OF WATER.  DRIPPING CURT    What's all that? DEBRA    Once all the fat's sloughed, you have to cure the hide.  Stop it from rotting.  Attracting insects.  You know. CURT    [shudder] Bugs, man.  I hate 'em. DEBRA    Why?  They're... Well, they're kind of everywhere. CURT    That's part of the problem - no matter what you do, they're there.  They don't keep out, and they don't go away. DEBRA    That's why hating them is so - pointless. CURT    Mostly they just creep me out. DEBRA    Let me guess.  Did you grow up with cockroaches? CURT    Palmetto bugs.  Huge freaking whistling cockroaches. DEBRA    I lived with cockroaches for a while. [almost a chuckle] CURT    You think they're funny? DEBRA    Only when you spray them with non-stick oven spray by mistake. CURT    Why? DEBRA    They go sliding down the wall, little legs pumping - ee-eh ee-eh ee-eh.  They get completely freaked out. CURT    [half teasing] Now you creep me out some too. DEBRA    [pleased snicker] MUSIC SOUND    PHONE RINGS DOUGIE    [around a mouthful] Figures.  [quickly swallows] DEBRA    Shouldn't you get that? DOUGIE    Tell me somethin I don't know.  [one last gulp] SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP DOUGIE    Yeah?  Right.  Fer you. DEBRA    Ok.  [really hesitant] Hello? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY - one squeak WILLIAMS    [phone] I got an answer for you.  On the leaves. DEBRA    Uh huh? WILLIAMS    [phone] No grinding.  Apparently that's out.  You can cut them up some.  I'll show you.  I'm also bringing some other things you can use for packing. DEBRA    Oh.  Good. WILLIAMS    [phone] We don't want him walking around like a big old teabag, eh? DEBRA    [trying to keep it in, but it comes out a whisper] Walking? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY WILLIAMS    [phone] Uh.  Figure of speech. DEBRA    Goodbye.  [gulps] SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY, SLOW RELEASE MUSIC SOUND    THREAD BEING SNIPPED DEBRA    There.  That's nice.  That thread hardly shows, doesn't it? DOUGIE    [off] You talking to the dead guy again? DEBRA    [covering] No. SOUND    PACKING DOUGIE    [off] Oh, hell, no.  What's this bag next to my lunch? DEBRA    Roderick. DOUGIE    A dead cat?  That ain't hygienic! DEBRA    Technically your lunch is in HIS cooler. DOUGIE    Yeah, like he's gonna be the one to object. DEBRA    [to body]  No more than you will, Bob. SOUND    PATS CORPSE, SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES MUSIC SOUND    COMPUTER KEYS TAPPING DEBRA    Tana Leaves.  One N or two...?  Hmm...! WILLIAMS    [off] Find her. DOUGIE    Hey chickie? SOUND    HASTY KEYSTROKES DEBRA    Just a sec! DOUGIE    What are you doing?  [annoyed, yelling back] She's on the computer, boss! WILLIAMS    [coming in, tsks] What did I say about that? DEBRA    You - well, you didn't say anything...  You said not to contact anyone, and I didn't - wasn't.  I was looking up ... delicate stitching techniques for very thin hides.  Remember, I haven't done this before. WILLIAMS    Hmm. DEBRA    I wouldn't have said anything to anyone.  After all, I promised. WILLIAMS    You need to look anything else up, you ask Dougie for your laptop.  [commanding] Dougie? SOUND    LAPTOP SLAPPED SHUT MUSIC SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY THROUGHOUT TO PUNCTUATE DEBRA    I'm worried about .... well, what this is all FOR.  CURT    Maybe it's not that bad.  Like the Aztecs. DEBRA    The Aztecs?  But they were...  pretty bad. CURT    No, no they weren't.  Not to them.  I mean, we all think "ooh, human sacrifice" and "man I wouldn't want my heart ripped out" right? DEBRA    Usually. CURT    But we don't realize that was the way they believed.  They figured without constant sacrifice, the world'd actually end.  They had to feed a bunch of hungry, thirsty gods, who had a really big human jones. DEBRA    [slight snicker]  CURT    For the victims, it was like winning American Idol - you got to be famous for a day.  DEBRA    Um.  [deep breath]  But didn't it hurt? CURT    Oh, yeah.  But they were all kinda masochistic back then.  Hurt yourself to prove how tough you are and stuff.  They'd even pierce their tongues and run cords covered in thorns up and down through the hole. DEBRA    On the victims? CURT    No - the bigwigs did it to themselves.  DEBRA    Ugh.  But this.... CURT    Look, I'll see what I can hear - without asking too many questions, you know?  [teasing] I don't want my heart ripped out. MUSIC DEBRA    [whispering] Oh, Roderick.  I'm so sorry about this.  But I have to see... SOUND    STUFFING LEAVES DEBRA    And a little of this... SOUND    GRIT BEING SCOOPED DEBRA    And a few stitches.....  There.  And we wait.  What's the worst that could happen, eh? SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY MUSIC CURT    I got a metal plate in my head. DEBRA    [interested] Oh?  Where? CURT    About here.  You can see the scar if you want. DEBRA    I've never seen a metal plate - I mean, animals don't usually get them, and I've always mounted animals.  I mean, not that I'd want to mount you, just that it would be kinda different-- [shocked] oh! CURT    No, no - I understand.  I didn't think you'd want to, uh, mount me. SOUND    SQUEAKY SQUEAKY DEBRA    I mean, I'm sure you're very nice and all.... CURT    I'm nicer up and walking than with a stick up my butt - or at least that's what my mother always says. DEBRA    Oh.  Yeah.  [nervous laugh, then double take] She says--? CURT    No.  Just wanted to see you laugh. DEBRA    [laughs]  Where's Dougie, anyway? CURT    He ain't feeling so well - he says. DEBRA    Figures.  CURT    Are you getting close to done? DEBRA    Kinda.  It takes a lot of work, especially sewing the fingers and stuff back together. SOUND    AWKWARD SILENCE CURT    I-I hope I didn't gross you out with the whole Aztec thing.  I just figured that--  well, being in your profession, you might-- DEBRA    Have a strong stomach? CURT    No.  Well, I mean, yes.  Yes, but.  But I figured that maybe you would be the kind of person who could take a step back and look - I mean, there are a lot of people out there who don't understand what you do and why you do it and why you love it, right? DEBRA    Yeah, but I don't kill anyone.  Any thing. CURT    I'm just comparing the misunderstanding.  To themselves, they were just doing what they had to do.  They probably thought "hey, those Mayans, they're some crazy freaks!"  DEBRA    Or "wow, those Incas - you wouldn't believe what they're up to!" CURT    See?  You got it. DEBRA    Yeah.  Ok. CURT    So, there was really a point before I wandered a bit.  What got me all started here was that this has something in common with the Aztecs. DEBRA    It does? CURT    Well, yeah - they had this one god, and this is a really good example of misunderstanding - named Xipe Totec [zhippy toe-tec] who they called the flayed one-- CURT    --cuz each year the sacrifice was flayed and the skin preserved for the priests to wear for the upcoming year.  See, now, to us that's disgusting, but to them it symbolized life, fertility, and the changing of the seasons.  Cuz each year, like a seed sheds its pod, the priest would eventually shed the long-dead skin and be a new man. DEBRA    [uncertain] I guess I can see that. CURT    'Course, the victim was probably flayed alive, so-- DEBRA    ew! SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY SOUND    SCRABBLING NOISE CURT    [casual] What's that? DEBRA    [trying to sound casual] Don't... know.  SOUND    SQUEAKY TOY GOING A MILE A MINUTE CURT    It's coming from the bathroom. DEBRA    I'll look! CURT    No let me. DEBRA    I - I guess. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, RUNNING CAT FEET CURT AND DEBRA    [both gasp] CURT    Just a freaking cat. DEBRA    [completely freaked out] Yes.  Must be one of the Rodericks. CURT    Jeez.  [calming her] It's OK.  He musta come in through the window or something. DEBRA    [barely a whisper] Something. MUSIC DEBRA    Keep an eye out - there was a cat in here yesterday.  It was pretty freaky. DOUGIE    Hey, at least it ain't some damn dead thing.  DEBRA    [shudder] Yeah. DOUGIE    You don't like animals? DEBRA    Live ones are too messy.  Eating and pooping.  Dead ones are much more manageable. DOUGIE    It's kinda cruel, though ain't it? DEBRA    Why?  They're dead.  It's just whether they end up cute forever, or rotting in a ditch somewhere.  CURT     Like all those people who say we shouldn't eat meat - sure, just let all the cows go.  They won't survive on their own. DOUGIE    Do you have a point? CURT    So is it more cruel to put them out to starve?  Do those people expect farmers to feed the cows and NOT sell them?  Doesn't anyone ever think of the hardship to the farmers? DEBRA    I don't eat meat. CURT    Oh, sorry. DOUGIE    Figures.  You make no damn sense, lady. DEBRA    Oh, it's not a moral issue.  Just that it clogs me up real bad.  [beat] That's too much information, isn't it?  CURT    Um... DOUGIE    I'm not listening! DEBRA    Still surprised that I prefer dead animals to live people? MUSIC SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP CURT    [into phone]  Yeah?  [up] Debra? DEBRA    [takes phone] Yes? WILLIAMS    You must be finished by tonight.  I will arrive at seven with the final component.  Be ready to make the final insertion. DEBRA    Where? WILLIAMS    [exasperated]  At your shop, there. DEBRA    No, I meant where does it go?  I need to finish sewing everything else up, if you're looking to ... take it home tonight. WILLIAMS    Oh, right.  Hmm.  Leave a spot for the heart. DEBRA    Ohhhh. MUSIC CURT    Do you think that's what the boss is up to?  Something like Xipe Totec? DEBRA    Hmm.  I'd say no.  A lot of the herbs and stuff on the stuffing list are old world, not Central American at all.  CURT    Point.  So you rule out my pals the Aztecs.  DEBRA    How'd you know so much about them anyway?  [kindly] Apart from being a complete freak? CURT    [chuckles ruefully] Eighth grade history project.  I was a crap student, but this one time I shoulda got an A - I did drawings and wrote a lot of stuff - I think I grossed out the teacher, so she only gave me a B minus. DEBRA    That's not fair. CURT    Yeah.  I mean, she raised rabbits. [they both think on that for a moment] CURT    I didn't just remember all of it, though - I'm not that much of a geek.  I googled it again last night.  Refreshed my memory. DEBRA    [somewhat relieved] Oh!  [beat, then quiet] did you kill this guy? CURT    Me? No.  I smack people sometimes if uncle needs it done, but I don't whack anyone.  Kinda too bad, since the money's real good, but I don't got "the cold" that bad, you know? DEBRA    [kindly] You're too sympathetic. CURT    [rueful] You say that like it's a good thing. SOUND    A COUPLE OF SQUEAKS, THEN A DELIBERATE STOP DEBRA    [calm, even] They're going to kill me. CURT    What?  No o'course not - why would they have paid you, then? DEBRA    Any way I look at it, they HAVE to kill me. SOUND    STRANGLED SQUEAK CURT    [fierce] I won't let 'em.  [reasonable] No reason to, anyway - you'll keep your mouth shut, right? DEBRA    [resigned] Yeah. SOUND    SOME STUFFING CURT    Oh, hey, I almost forgot - the boss mentioned a name. DEBRA    Name? CURT    I think it's what he's doing - what the whole point of this is. DEBRA    Oh.  [very dry sarcasm] That helps a lot. CURT    Zalmoxis.  DEBRA    Gesundheit. CURT    No, no.  I looked it up.  And it took a while, too, trying to figure out how to spell the damn thing.  It was some old Thracian god.  He had something to do with that triangle guy-- DEBRA    Who?  Isosceles? CURT    No.  [uncertain]  I'm pretty sure that wasn't it.  Anyway, this guy got made into a god somehow and promised immortality of the soul.  And, get this - the name "Zalmoxis" comes from the Thracian word for "hide".  DEBRA    Hide, like skin, not like "and seek"? CURT    Yup. DEBRA    But what does that all mean?  I mean-- CURT    What I heard the boss say-- DEBRA    Yeah? CURT    He said "when Zalmoxis arrives." DEBRA    Oh.  [gulp] SOUND    SQUEAK MUSIC SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR DEBRA    [surprised shriek] SOUND    SQUEAK CURT    Don't worry.  Everything's gonna be cool. SOUND    HIS STEPS, DOOR OPENS CURT    Sir. SOUND    WILLIAMS AND DOUGIE ENTER WILLIAMS    [way too excited] This is the moment. DOUGIE    Boss, um, you said-- WILLIAMS    Yeah, we got [checks] eight minutes.  I was being dramatic.  This is a very dramatic moment, Dougie. DOUGIE    Sorry boss. WILLIAMS    The vessel is prepared? DEBRA    The--?  Oh, yes.  All ready. SOUND    A SLIGHT SQUEAK WILLIAMS    Very nice.  [impressed] Good stitching.  DEBRA    [trying to sound happy] Thanks. WILLIAMS    So the time is nigh. CURT    Uncle?  Got a moment?  Can I ask you something?  Like in private?  WILLIAMS    One moment, yes.  CURT    [low, confidential]  You're not gonna have this poor chick whacked, are you? WILLIAMS    [not sincere] Whatever gave you that idea? CURT    Look, she's a nice lady.  She's no danger to you - um, us. WILLIAMS    After tonight, no one's a danger to me.  CURT    What's that mean? WILLIAMS    [chuckles] SOUND    CHUMMY SLAP ON THE BACK CURT    But--? WILLIAMS    [up, dramatic] And now for the final key to unlock eternity! DEBRA    [uncertain] Um, ok. WILLIAMS    Hold out your hands. DEBRA    [almost shaking with fear] Um, ok. SOUND    SOMETHING LARGE PULLED FROM A POCKET DEBRA    That's - whoa - heavy. WILLIAMS    The heart of Zalmoxis.  Once it is sealed in his chest, at the right moment, he will rise! DEBRA    Now? WILLIAMS    No.  152 seconds left. DEBRA    Right.  Can I put it down? SOUND    GUN DRAWN AND COCKED DEBRA    [gasps]  What? WILLIAMS    Let's just call this insurance against you - [pointed] or anyone - trying to stop me this close to my goal! DEBRA    Uhhhh.  What's... going to happen? WILLIAMS    [matter of fact] Zalmoxis will rise and take over the world, and I, being the one who brought him here, will be rewarded with power and glory. DEBRA    Oh, Ok.  Just say when.      MOMENT OF SILENCE WILLIAMS    Put it in - I'm watching you!  And then start stitching. DEBRA    Can someone hold the hole open?  This takes both hands. CURT    Got it. SOUND    MOVEMENT NOISES AS THE HEART IS INSERTED SOUND    CAT SCREECH WILLIAMS    What the--? SOUND    GUNSHOT, CAT SCREECH DEBRA    Oh no! CURT    Here! DEBRA    Jeez, I almost dropped it! WILLIAMS    Damn cat.  You done? DEBRA    Just a few stitches.  WILLIAMS    You do that, I'll start the ceremony.  [begins creepy chanting in the background] CURT    I told him you're ok.  He don't need to kill you. DEBRA    Thanks.  Can you put your finger, there? CURT    Oh, sure. DEBRA    Good. SOUND    SNIPS DEBRA    Done. WILLIAMS    Excellent!  Rise! SOUND    RUSTLING NOISE DEBRA    Oh, jeez!  It moved! WILLIAMS     He moved.  Master! DEBRA    Um, Curt, is it--? CURT    Yeah.  Yeah, it is. SOUND    ONE HEAVY FOOT ON GROUND, THEN A SECOND WILLIAMS    Master, is the vessel acceptable?  It was made to all your specifications! ZALMOXIS    The vessel is [choking noise] WILLIAMS    What? ZALMOXIS    The vessel is-- SOUND    SQUEAK, BUT DEEP AND SPOOKY LIKE HIS VOICE WILLIAMS    What's that? CURT    You didn't--? SOUND    KEY RING JINGLES DEBRA    Uh, yeah. SOUND    DEEP SQUEAK ZALMOXIS    No!  Flawed!  You must die! WILLIAMS    Master!  [choking noises] DOUGIE    Boss? CURT    [whispered] We should go. DEBRA    Ya think? SOUND    SCURRYING OUT, SNATCHING UP A CASE ON THE WAY [the argument recede as they leave] WILLIAMS    [choking] Get this thing off me! DOUGIE    Come on! SOUND    SLAM, DEEP SQUEAK DOUGIE    [gurgle as he smacks into wall] SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, OUTSIDE NOISES DEBRA    [breathless] Did wikipedia have anything to say about if the vessel was flawed? CURT    Uh, no.  go on! DEBRA    But you? CURT    Meet you on the corner. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SOUND OF COMMOTION MUSIC DEBRA    {making squeaking noises} SOUND    EXPLOSION DEBRA    Holy crow!  [gasp, musing] There's a lot of flammable stuff in taxidermy.  CURT    Nervous? DEBRA    [startled noise!] CURT    Track came in handy after all.  [chuckles, then serious] I figured we shouldn't let it loose... DEBRA    [worried] My ...house? CURT    I'm thinking the dough-- SOUND    PATS BRIEFCASE CURT    Is enough to start a new life on? DEBRA    [interested]  Or ...two? CURT    [pleased] Yeah. SOUND    CAT MROW! CLOSER  

A town with a strange secret, ripe for the picking by three petty criminals.  Sounds a bit too easy, doesn't it?     Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Claude - Shawn Connor Lenny - Cole Hornaday Charlie - Risa Torres Host - Bob Noble Bank Teller - Beverly Poole Little Girl - Krystal Baker Waitress - Angela Kirby Music by  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a cheap fleabag motel, can't you tell?" ******************************************** AN HOUR TO KILL Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Claude, a thug Lenny, a dumber thug Charlie, Claude's greedy wife Host Bank Teller Little Girl Waitress OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a fleabag motel in the early 50s, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     DRIPPING OF BAD SINK, DISTANT RADIO TALKING LENNY    [hushed, excited] I tell you, Claude, it's a done deal!  It was Artie told me, and-- CLAUDE    [resigned] And Artie's never wrong.  Yeah, I know.  [up]  Whatchoo think, Charlie? CHARLIE    Zip it.  I'm listening. CLAUDE    To what? CHARLIE    Whoever's next door has a radio, [barbed] unlike some, and they got the stories on.  If youse two mugs can keep yer traps shut, I can just barely make out what happens to be transpiring. LENNY    [quiet]  It's just over the hill, Claude.  Hop skip and a jump. CLAUDE    [quiet]  Good thing, too, Lenny.  That car we nabbed ain't good for much but skipping. LENNY    [quiet]  And jumping. CLAUDE    [chuckles halfhaertedly]  So Artie said this town was ripe for the picking?  LENNY    Yeah, he said it was real weird, but-- CHARLIE    [upset] No!  What is wrong with this world? CLAUDE    [flat, uninterested] I don't know, what's wrong with it? CHARLIE    Them on the other side, they turned it off!!  And just when Cynthia was about to reveal the name of the guy who ran off and left her with two kids, then changed hs name and married someone else. LENNY    What a bum! CLAUDE    [undertone] Don't encourage her.  [up] Can we talk normal now? CHARLIE    Makes no nevermind now. CLAUDE    Apparently Artie told Lenny something in stir last week. LENNY    And Artie's never wrong! CHARLIE    [hard sarcasm] If he ain't never wrong, why's he in the joint? CLAUDE    [snorts] LENNY    That ain't the point.  He found the perfect score. CHARLIE    And he told you about it? CLAUDE    Yeah, that does seem a little cuckoo.  Artie never did like you much. LENNY    But he still likes Cherlie there just fine.  I think he told me cuz he knows I'd tell you, and that would help her get some of the nice things she deserves. CHARLIE    [cutesy]  Really?  That big a score, then?  Artie might have something going for him after all.  Maybe I shoulda married him. CLAUDE    You said you didn't like monkeys. CHARLIE    I was joking.  Just cuz he's kinda short and shriveled and stuff don't mean he might not make a good husband.  Ugly guys don't run off so often. LENNY    Nobody wants 'em. CHARLIE    You would know. CLAUDE    [long suffering sigh] Let's get back to the job? LENNY    It's this town, see?  He says the whole town is like loopy, cuz one day a year, for an hour in the middle of the day, the entire town [slow, with import] just falls asleep. CLAUDE    [snort]  You're loopy.  Artie's throwing you a knuckle ball, knucklehead. LENNY    No, he was serious - I could see it in his face. CLAUDE    The whole town?  LENNY    Yeah! CLAUDE    And how does Artie know this? LENNY    He says he was there.  Couple years back, said he was hiding out and saw it happen, so he went back again the next year to see, and it happened again. CLAUDE    Why ain't he in there robbing the place? LENNY    Says he meant to, this year, but he's gonna be sporting stripes for a nickle. [5 years] CLAUDE    It makes no damn sense!  Why would everybody fall asleep? CHARLIE    Maybe it's something in the water.  Or get this-- [ramping up]  Maybe it's a curse or something, like in that episode of One Step Too Far!! CLAUDE    You've gone one step too far if you're gonna believe Artie and this idiot.  [to Lenny] Nuttin' personal, Lenny. LENNY    Gotcha. CHARLIE    What can it hurt?  If it's so darn close, why don't we drive over there and see?  We can be ready, and if this "see-ester" [siesta] thing happens, then we take advantage.  If not... what's it gonna hurt? CLAUDE    What day's it supposed to be, Len? LENNY    Tomorrow.  Or I should say the longest day of the year, since that's what it is - tomorrow is, I mean, but Charlie, you can't come! CHARLIE    And why pray tell not, ya big goon? LENNY    Artie only told me on account of I promised I'd see to it that you don't go.  I think he wants you to come and visit him instead. CLAUDE    That's crazy talk.  But you shouldn't come, babe.  You'll just get in the way. CHARLIE    [incensed] I'll just WHAT?  CLAUDE    I mean-- there might be guns.  I wouldn't want you getting shot or nothing. CHARLIE    They gotta be pretty talented in this town to shoot ...in their sleep!  Besides, you need someone along who can actually tell time, if all you got is just one hour!  [fades out]  And if this is supposed to be tomorrow, since I have it on good authority - meaning the morning news - that tomorrow is the longest day of the year - then we had better get our sweet little selves ready to move! LENNY    [over her diatribe]  But I promised Artie-- CLAUDE    [over, too - miserable, to Lenny] Just drop it.  Trust me.  Once she starts with this, she can't even hear no more. CHARLIE    You hear me? LENNY    [really quiet] Maybe you shoulda let Artie have her. MUSIC AMB    IN CAR CLAUDE    Whadda we do if it's all a big put-up job? LENNY    It ain't - Artie is-- CHARLIE    Stifle!  If they don't sack out, you mean?  In that case, we're just honest, but weary travellers going on our merry way.  Zat so hard to buy? CLAUDE    We gotta do something.  This flivver's on its last legs. CHARLIE    There's always something. LENNY    You believe in magic, Charlie? CHARLIE    Like Houdini stuff?  Hah!  Back when I was on the stage, the only thing them clip artists could make disappear was my hard earned simoleans. LENNY    But this-- CHARLIE    [loud] BUT!  Dontchoo interupt me there, Lenny.  It ain't polite!  [quieter] Hmph. I was tryin to say I could maybe believe in magic like miracles and genies and stuff.  Just always figured maybe it was all run out in the world, like the electricity in the meter when you're outta slugs.  Ya know? CLAUDE    [amused hmph]  Oh, that's a nice turn of phrase you got right there, Charlie. CHARLIE    [smug] And you thought you only married me for my legs. MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, RURAL SOUND    ONE SET OF STEPS ON GRAVEL CLAUDE    [relieved and tired] Finally.  [sighs] SOUND    DOOR OPENS WITH A JINGLE CHARLIE    [already arguing]  I don't care what kind of hokey-pokey yer pullin here!  I want a room and I want it pronto - savvy? CLAUDE    [quiet] Oh, lord.  [up, weary]  What's the noise, sweetcheeks? CHARLIE    This fellow says ain't no rooms to be had, not today tonight or any time soon. CLAUDE    Yer full up?  Out here in the middle of squat all? HOST    [old rustic] The young lady misunderstood me.  I was trying to explain that this is just a bad day to be here in Lafayette.  We got rooms, ayuh, but I wouldn't feel right about just putting you up without warning you folks first. CLAUDE    Warning us?  Where's Lenny? LENNY    [off] I'm pretending I'm somewehre's else. CLAUDE    Some help you are.  You was saying, pops? HOST    [cheerful horror]  It's the day we run the hogs. CHARLIE    That's disgusting!  CLAUDE    Hold on, dearest.  Let's hear the man out.  Hogs, you say? HOST    Ayup.  Local tradition.  Them hogs gets loose all over the town.  [self-satisfied] Raise a lotta havoc.  Tranple anything that moves, pretty much. CLAUDE    It'd be safe in the room, wouldnit? HOST    Well, 'spect it oughtta be, but you have to shut the doors and not move an inch.  Don't want to call no attention to yerselves.  [ominous] Folks round here don' like strangers watching our ways. CLAUDE    [sigh] Well, pops, I dunno if you noticed it, but we rode in in the grease monkey's tow.  Our heap ain't taking another step, and neither are we. HOST    [a little too smug] One room or two? CHARLIE    Just get one.  Lenny can sleep in the bureau drawer for all I care. HOST    [chuckles] CLAUDE    Since it's looking we'll need to get a new car soon, I guess one room's all we can spring for. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, BAG THROWN DOWN CHARLIE    Artie better damn well be right. CLAUDE    [hushed] Charlie!  Keep it quiet. LENNY    [hushed] Even if it works, how we gonna get out of town?  CLAUDE    We get a new car-- LENNY    How? CLAUDE    How'd we get the last one, pea-brain? LENNY    Oh, right.  There must be one or two, even in a boondock like this. CHARLIE    The landlord says we got a couple of hours before we gotta hole up [aping his speech] "just enough time to get around some flapjacks".  Flapjacks, my eye.  They better have a hootch parlor in this flyspeck. CLAUDE    Just enough time to case the place. LENNY    Oughtn't we to bring the heaters, Claude? CLAUDE    Hmm.  Nix on that.  Don't wanna get caught on the street heeled.  CHARLIE    Whaddaya mean?  So what if someone suspects something? CLAUDE    You may hate these chuck towns, Charlie, but their jails ain't nothing to write home about neither.  They make our first digs look like the ritz. CHARLIE    [disgusted] Oh! MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE.  RURAL [note - they're all talking out the side of the mouth] LENNY    There's the spoon where the clerk said we could get us some-- CHARLIE    Flapjacks?  Puh-lease.  We got more important things-- LENNY    But he got me all hungry, with all his flapjack jabbering. CLAUDE    [under his breath] Flapjabbering.  [up]  Look, we need to split up anyway, cover the ground.  Lenny can pick up the skinny at the diner as well as anywhere else. CHARLIE    Where you wanna ronder-voo [rondezvous] later? CLAUDE    Well... [consdiering] Guess the motel's as good as any place. CHARLIE    In forty-five minutes.  No more, you big moose!   LENNY    No sweat - sides, they ain't gonna give me no forty-five minutes worth of flapjacks.  Not for what I got on me. SOUND    WALKS AWAY CLAUDE    And you? CHARLIE    I say you and I take the-- [softening] I mean, make a visit to the bank. CLAUDE    Who'm I to argue? MUSIC SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DING, A COUPLE STEPS LENNY    Hello? SOUND    FLAP OF DOOR, HEELS WAITRESS    Goodness!  I guess I really wan't expecting to see nobody in here today! LENNY    Guess not.  [pitifiul] Zat mean you're out of food? WAITRESS    Mercy, no!  We been cooking all day!  They'll go through plenty later on, but we can spare a bite or two.  What you want? LENNY    Flapjacks? WAITRESS    [chuckles] You came to the right place.  My momma's recipe has taken blue ribbons at the fair for thirty years.  Set yourself down, and I'll sling you a stack. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS, MUFFLED COOKING NOISES WAITRESS    [off some] You want some Java with that? LENNY    That'd be real nice. SOUND    DOOR FLAPS OPEN, QUICK STEPS WAITRESS    Here's your joe, the jacks will be out lickety split.  LENNY    Hey, uh, the goon at the hotel was saying something about something going on today? WAITRESS    Oh, yes.  It's the strangest thing, but nothing you gotta worry about - you're just passing through, right? LENNY    Oh, no, we're staying at the hotel.  WAITRESS    [a bit upset] Oh.  "We?"  Nevermind.  You should stay inside, then.  It ain't safe being out. LENNY    Oh, yeah, he said-- WAITRESS    I mean, they're just frogs, right?  But they are some vicious slimy little devils. LENNY    [baffled] Frogs? WAITRESS    Course.  Every year they just fall from the sky.  No one knows why.  Oops-- [sniffs] that's your jacks.  Be right back. MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [undertone]  Take a peep at the cadillac. CHARLIE    That brown heap? CLAUDE    Dat ain't brown, ya gob, dat's cham-payne colored. CHARLIE    Who you calling a gob, you mug? LITTLE GIRL    [off] Hey lady?  Would you like a kitten? CLAUDE    [[startled] Huh?  Oh, Hello little girl.  [really false hearty] No, thanks.  No kittens for us.  You have a real nice day, there. CHARLIE    [whispered]  Do I look like the kind of chickie who wants some damn animal hanging around?  Apart from you, anyway, darling? CLAUDE    Watch yer language, there's a kid present. CHARLIE    She's probably heard it all. CLAUDE    People got manners out in the country.  Here's the bank.  Stick to the script, babe. CHARLIE    Have I ever done you wrong? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SLIGHT ECHO CLAUDE    This is nice. CHARLIE    [sweet and fake] Oh, honey, maybe everything will be o-k after all! CLAUDE    We'll see, dearest.  TELLER    Can I help you? CHARLIE    I'll just have a seat while you handle all that financial mam stuff. CLAUDE    [annoyed sigh]  You do that.  [hearty again] Hello.  Sorry about that. TELLER    No problem, sir.  What can I help you with? CLAUDE    We had some car trouble coming into town, and I need to find out if we can arrange to cash a check here. TELLER    Do you have an account with our bank, sir? CLAUDE    No, I'm afraid I don't.  We're with the Merchant Chinatown Association Farm Worker's Union Branch out of Miami. TELLER    That's pretty far away. CLAUDE    Yeah. TELLER    That's going to have to go through my manager.  He won't be back until this afternoon. CLAUDE    Really?  Well, that shouldn't be a problem - we're kinda stuck here. TELLER    [strange] Are you over at the motel? CLAUDE    You bet. TELLER    Ohhh. CLAUDE    What? TELLER    Nothing.  He'll be back in about four hours. CLAUDE    Is he part of this whole thing you got going on today? TELLER    [nervous]  What do you-- whatever do you mean? CLAUDE    The clerk was telling us-- TELLER    [urgent] Just stay inside and you'll be safe! CHARLIE    [coming on] Safe?  From-- TELLER    THEM! CLAUDE    Them?  The runners? TELLER    The ghosts. CLAUDE AND CHARLIE    WHAT? TELLER    I'm not from around here, and I'm scared to death.  I get to lock myself in the vault for the whole thing, or else I wouldn't even'a come to work today! CHARLIE    In the vault, eh? TELLER    Yes! CLAUDE    Wait a dang minute.  Ghosts? TELLER    Yes.  A bunch of soldiers from back in the civil war.  They run through town on this day every year, and destroy everything in their path! CLAUDE    Have you... seen the ghosts? TELLER    Of course not!  I stay shut up tight! CLAUDE    Right.  [heavy thinking sigh, the working to sound chipper again]  Well, maybe we'll see you later then.  When your manager's back. TELLER    Okey-doke.  You stay safe now! MUSIC SOUND    EATING SOUND    [OFF] FEET APPROACH CLAUDE    [outside] wait til we-- CHARLIE    What's that smell? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN CHARLIE    You! LENNY    I brought you some! CHARLIE    I'm watching my figure, you mope! CLAUDE    More for me.  Pass that. LENNY    Trudy at the diner, she gave me some extra butter too.  She did it up right fine. CHARLIE    Don't eat so much you slow down!  We'll leave you behind. LENNY    [talking around a mouthful]  Oh, come on, they're real good. CLAUDE    [licking his fingers]  They are.  Look, Lenny, there's something real hinky here-- LENNY    You don't need to tell me, Claude!  I heard all about-- CHARLIE    The ghosts? LENNY    The what? CLAUDE    According to the girl at the bank, it ain't pigs, it's ghosts. LENNY    That don't make no sense!  There ain't no such things as ghosts. CHARLIE    But you do believe that there might be a town where everyone falls asleep for an hour. LENNY    Anyway, it ain't ghosts, it's Frogs. CLAUDE    Like frog frogs, or french folks? LENNY    Like ribbit, ribbit.  They rain down, like in the old weird part of the bible. CHARLIE    Yeah, ghosts is lots more nuts than frogs. CLAUDE    Why would everyone have a different story?  CHARLIE    Are you just a moron or what?  They're all covering up!  Anything to scare us who ain't part of it into keeping shut up for the time they all fall asleep, excepting that they forgot to get their damn story straight.  I'd almost'a bought the one about the pigs, but FROGS?  LENNY    And ghosts. CHARLIE    Oh, don't even. CLAUDE    It still feels hinky.  Like we should-- SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR CLAUDE    Stifle.  [up] Yes? LITTLE GIRL    [off]  I have to tell you something! LENNY    That's some sneaky girl scout. CLAUDE    Shh!  Just keep quiet! SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    MEWING OF KITTENS CLAUDE    Yeah? LITTLE GIRL    I have to tell you this.  You have to listen! CLAUDE    I'm listening, little girl.  Watch out for your kittens, there. LITTLE GIRL    You don't get one. CLAUDE    Just tell me what you wanted to--? LITTLE GIRL    [solemn] In 15 minutes, the monsters come out.  If you leave your rooms, they will eat you.  CLAUDE    [almost laughs, stops himsefl]  Monsters? LITTLE GIRL    Yes.  CLAUDE    What kind of monsters? LITTLE GIRL    [exasperatied] The kind that eat people.   I have to go home now. CLAUDE    Before the monsters get you? LITTLE GIRL    Oh, they won't get me.  They'll be too busy chasing you. SOUND    SHE WALKS AWAY CHARLIE    Little street rat!  Get her back here, I'll show her what for! CLAUDE    No!  Let the kid go. LENNY    Claude?  You think maybe she's right? CLAUDE    It's not like she'd make something up like that.  CHARLIE    Someone told her to tell us. CLAUDE    The same someone who couldn't get their stories straight?  That don't make no sense.  There's something behind all this. CHARLIE    So what now, you want to give this all up and sit on your face like an ostrich or something? CLAUDE    I never said nothing like that.  We should-- we just gotta keep our eyes open is all. MUSIC SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES CLAUDE    Ready?  LENNY    [a little shaky] Yeah. CHARLIE    Hmph.  Yes. CLAUDE    Keep cool.  If this is all some kind of joke, we need to be ready to act like there ain't nothing going on. CHARLIE    Keep your gun handy, Lenny, in case of frogs. SOUND    WALKS AWAY LENNY    [muttered] Same to you.  I would say in case of pigs, but I know how you feel about family. CLAUDE    [almost laughs] CHARLIE    [sharp] What? LENNY    [trying to keep a straight face] Nuttin.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, PAPER CRACKLES CLAUDE    What's this? CHARLIE    Aah - Must be the bill.  Give it.  We can look it over later. SOUND    PAPER SHOVED INTO PURSE MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, BUT MUTED. LENNY    Weird, ain't it?  Everything so quiet. CHARLIE    So everyone's gone to sleep.  Or they're messing with us.  CLAUDE    [shocked] No!  Look at this! LENNY    Oh, gee!  Think we should move her? CHARLIE    What are you--?  Holy knots!  The kid! LENNY    And all the kittens!  Are they ok? CLAUDE    [grunt as he kneels] Well, I ain't gonna hold a mirror up to all them tiny little noses, but they look like they're just sleeping. LENNY    They're so cute - you shoulda took one. CHARLIE    Are you done yet? LENNY    Shouldn't we move her, though?  What if the pigs hurt her? CHARLIE    Leave the stupid kid!  She's the one decided to take a nap in the middle of the street.  We got a bank waiting! LENNY    I'll-- I'll catch up to ya.  I wanna lug the little tyke up onta the porch. CHARLIE    Aargh!!!  [exasperated noise]  Fine!  Pick uppa car while you're at it, potater head! MUSIC SOUND    BIG DOOR CREAKS QUIETLY OPEN SOUND    OUTDOOR NOISES, OFF SLIGHTLY; VOICES HAVE MODERATE ECHO CLAUDE    [whispering] The lights are all on. CHARLIE    Why are you whispering? CLAUDE    I still got that weird feeling about this - like it's all gonna turn out to be a big joke or something.  There's a hook somewehres.  There gotta be. CHARLIE    We'll ditch it when we see it.  For now, let's go to work on that vault. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    What was that? CHARLIE    [snide] Not a pig, for crying out loud.  If you're so damn worried, shall we promenayde to the vault? CLAUDE    It was really - strange.  I ain't never heard no animal like it before. CHARLIE    That just rules out the zoo and Mel Blanc.  They're the only animals you ever heard in your whole stupid life. SOUND    [OUTSIDE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    I just wanna take a look, see if Lenny's coming. CHARLIE    Fergit him!  I'm your wife - you should be here, lookin after me! CLAUDE    [sharp] Did you see that? CHARLIE    I see a grown man scared of some owl or something. CLAUDE    [on edge] No, there was this dark shape, went behind that buildign over there.  Watch! CHARLIE    [putting her foot down]  No!  I want to go inside!  [hissed] And I plan to lock the door, whatever side you happen to be on. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS AMB    OUTSIDE SOUND    RUSTLING CLAUDE    [calling quietly] Lenny?  Zat you? SOUND    WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE CLAUDE    [gasp] Dammit Lenny! SOUND    RUSTLING NOISE, OFF RIGHT SOUND    GUN READIED CLAUDE    [moving right]  Come out, whatever you are. MOMENT OF SUSPENSE, A COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS CLAUDE    [gasp] LENNY    [gasp]  What's wit the heater, Claude?  I ain't done nuttin! SOUND    PUTTING GUN BACK CLAUDE    Nah, Lenny, it's-- did you hear something weird out there? LENNY    Birds.  Something.  I guess. CLAUDE    Charlie's inside.  Come on. LENNY    Why do you put up with her? CLAUDE    What?  We're married. LENNY    If she was my wife, I'd'a smacked her to kingdom come years ago - I wouldn'a been able to help myself. CLAUDE    I love her.  [shrugs]  And I hate her sometimes too.  What can you do? SOUND    BIG DOOR STARST TO OPEN SOUND    [CLOSE] WEIRD ANIMAL NOISE SOUND    BOTH MEN TURN, DRAW GUNS SOUND    DOOR SWINGS SHUT AGAIN LENNY    That's the noise you was talking about? CLAUDE    Yeah.  Shh.  [whispered] Can you tell where it is? LENNY    Nuh-uh. MOMENT OF JUST CAUTIOUS BREATHING, THEN SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN BEHIND THEM LENNY and CLAUDE    [gasp] CHARLIE    Get your keisters in here, you nitwits!  Time's a-wasting! MUSIC AMB    INSIDE BANK, ECHOEY SOUND    COMBINATION LOCK BEING TURNED CHARLIE    [whispered] Hurry! LENNY    [whispered] That ain't gonna help! CLAUDE    Zip it!  I'm almost there! SOUND    A COUPLE OF CLICKS, HANDLE CLAUDE    [angry noise] Agh.  Nope.  Damn.  Charlie, give me something to write on. CHARLIE    What do I look like, your secretary? CLAUDE    Just find me something, or I'm gonna forget the numbers I already got! SOUND    FEET GO OFF SOUND    ROOTING AROUND IN A PURSE CHARLIE    Here's some paper. LENNY    [coming back] I got a pencil from the desk.  It's getting kind of dark outside. CHARLIE    Great - a storm. CLAUDE    Good thing you got that kid under cover.  She don't need to catch penumonia. CHARLIE    Oh, listen to Mary Curry over here. CLAUDE    [sighs] SOUND    WRITING SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    What the hell? CLAUDE    That's what I've been trying to tell you about.  Cept now it sounds like it's inside here with us. CHARLIE     Get that vault open, before they find us. LENNY    They?  Don't you mean it? CHARLIE    It's got to be some sort of Okie joke.  These hicks are messing with us. SOUND    CLOSER ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE CHARLIE    [shrieking] Get it open! CLAUDE    My hands won't stop shaking, Charlie.  I can't concentrate-- CHARLIE    I can NOT believe I am hearing this! CLAUDE    [voice rising to a yell] --and you ain't helping!  SHUT UP! CHARLIE    huh! [affronted]  Hmph. CLAUDE    [long deep breath, trying to calm down] SOUND    CLICKING of DIAL BEGINS SOUND    DISTANT ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE SOUND    CLICKS TURN WILDLY CLAUDE    Yah! LENNY    [nervous, but trying to be helpful] I-I could go and look? CLAUDE    No, I think-- CHARLIE    Yeah, you do that, knucklehead.  Go and kick some heads on these nutballs. CLAUDE    [definitive]  No.  SOUND    DIAL TWIRLS QUICKLY CLAUDE    We're getting out of here. CHARLIE    [angry] Don't you chicken out on me now, Claude! [wheedling] Come, on baby!  We're this close to the big score.  I can taste it! The only thing in our way is this door. SOUND    ECHOEY WEIRD NOISE COMES AROUND CORNER, SKITTERING LENNY    And th-th-th-that!  [a shriek] Them! SOUND    RUNNING FEET MUSIC ALL    PANTING BREATHING IN A CLOSE SPACE LENNY    What the hell?  What were they?  CLAUDE    I dunno!  All I saw was teeth and fur. CHARLIE    They're like shrews or something. CLAUDE    Nah, they was more teeth than anything else.  Even shrews ain't like that.  These ain't nothing natural. CHARLIE    Well they ain't ghosts, frogs, or pigs.  LENNY    That just leaves monsters. CHARLIE    [after a beat]  What? LENNY    The little girl, she said it was monsters. SOUND    SCRABBLIONG AT THE DOOR BEGINS, GETS LOUDER THROGUHOUT LENNY    Oh, holy crap!  CHARLIE    Sounds like they're eating their way through! CLAUDE    And there ain't excatly a dozen ways out of this closet here. CHARLIE    There gotta be something!  I ain't going out like this.  Boost me up! CLAUDE    Boost? CHARLIE    I think I see something up there.  Just like in gramma's attic. CLAUDE    [grunt of boosting]  Lenny, give me a hand here, wouldja? LENNY    Yeah, here - uh!  Careful! [he has a kitten in his coat] BOTH    [grunt as they push her up] CHARLIE    Yeah!  I thought so!  SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD SHIFTING CHARLIE    This probably goes to a roof access.  [ugh! As she climbs up] CLAUDE    Don't kick!  Damn! LENNY    Watch out!  Uhhh!  SOUND    HER SCRAMBLING STOPS CHARLIE    [calling down] Big help you two are.  I see cracks of light - bet there's a vent and I can get out onto the roof. CLAUDE    And then what? CHARLIE    Well, they don't look much like climbers, do they?  We can wait it out up there! CLAUDE    How the hell are we supposed to get up there? LENNY    Whatever we do, we better do it quick!  Sounds like they're getting through! CLAUDE    Here, I'll boost you. LENNY    Nah, Claude - If you get killed, then I'm alone with her, and I can't take that.  CLAUDE    You dumbo! LENNY    Besides, you can pull me up better.  Okay? CLAUDE    Let's do this. SOUND    GRUNST, RUSTLES, THUMPS CLAUDE    [long grunt, pulling himself up] SOUND MOVES UP TO THEM ABOVE SOUND    DISTANT WOOD CRACKING LENNy    [distant]  Claude?  Come on!  My turn! [continues under] CHARLIE    oh, Claude!  [kisses him] CLAUDE    MMm!  [surprised, but enjoying the kiss] SOUND    WOOD QUIETLY SHIFTED, LENNY CUTS OUT CLAUDE    What was that for? CHARLIE    Just happy. LENNY    [off, screams!!!] CLAUDE    shit!  You closed the hatch!  CHARLIE    It's too late for him! LENNY    [Scream cuts out] CLAUDE    How could you do that? CHARLIE    If I didn't you woulda died wit him!  I'm protecting you, ya bastard. CLAUDE    Where's this damn vent? CHARLIE    Say you love me. CLAUDE    There it is. CHARLIE    What the hell's gotten into you? CLAUDE    You're my wife, and I'll get you out--  CHARLIE    Out of what? CLAUDE    Out of here.  Out of this town.  But don't expect to ever see me again after that. CHARLIE    [freaked] Cluade?  How can you even-- SOUND    KICKING OUT THE VENT MUSIC AMB    OUTISDE CLAUDE    [cold] Give me your hand. CHARLIE    [meek] all right, Claude. SOUND    SCRABBLING CLAUDE and Charlie [grunt as he pulls her up onto the roof] CLAUDE    [breathing hard with exertion]  [runs his hand over his face] CHARLIE    You still got the combination?  Just in case? CLAUDE    I don't even care no more. CHARLIE    Can I see it? CLAUDE    No.  Where's that pencil?  Ah. SOUND    PAPER RUSTLES CHARLIE    What're you doing? CLAUDE    Writing my will. CHARLIE    Will?  What you got to leave? CLAUDE    I dunno, but there must be something I can-- whoa. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    Where'd you get this paper? CHARLIE    That?  Oh I think that was the note on our door. CLAUDE    Damn. CHARLIE    What? CLAUDE    This woulda been good to know.  "So sorry to put you in harm's way, but the boggins is hungry, and if it ain't an outsider, then it's someone in town, and we can't have that.  But we did warn you, as tradtion demands, and you had every chance to leave.  Thank you for staying!" CHARLIE    So it must be over, right? CLAUDE    Are you flapping your lips for a reason? CHARLIE    [whine] Claude!  The note makes it sound like it's just one they need.  One outsider.  So Lenny-- CLAUDE    [cold, hard] You need to shut your trap.  Now. CHARLIE    [sweetie again] You gonna forgive me, arentcha? CLAUDE    [not quite sure] No. CHARLIE    Oh, come on, Claudie.  We're better off, ain't we?  Just you and me, like the old days? LENNY    You want old days, I was his friend first. CHARLIE    [gasps] SOUND    SHE LOSES HER BALANCE A BIT, FEET SLOWLY APPROACH CLAUDE    Len!  [pleased]  I'll be damned!  What... happened?  It sounded like-- LENNY    [freaked out] They were...everywhere.  I dunno why they didn't just take me down.  They took some chunks out of me, man, but they... stopped. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES START SNEAKING IN, UNDER CHARLIE    [insincere] What a relief! LENNY     Don't you start!  I heard everything.  CLAUDE    Can you forgive me, Lenny? LENNY    Yeah, probably.  Jeez I hope Peahces is OK. SOUND    UNZIP WIDNBREAKER CLAUDE    What? LENNY    You think we're safe up here? CHARLIE    [spiteful again] Apparently, you're safe anywhere.  Must taste bad. LENNY    Oh, look, he's still asleep. CLAUDE    [laughing a little]  A kitten?  You took you a kitten? CHARLIE    You did what?  You are SUCH a shit-for-brains. LENNY    Leave off, Charlie, or I swear I will-- SOUND    NOW BECOMING OBVIOUS, THE MONSTERS ARE DOWN BELOW CLAUDE    Shh!  It's those things! CHARLIE    The shrews? CLAUDE    Whatever they are.  CHARLIE    Can you see them? CLAUDE    The roof slopes wrong, I can't get close enough to get a look down. CHARLIE    Well, crawl out there!  Surely you don't expect me to do it! LENNY    I can't leave Peaches. CHARLIE    Peaches? SOUND    SNATCH, THUMP AS SHE THROWS THE KITTEN AT A WALL CHARLIE    [uh! As she throws] There's your damn Peaches. LENNY    Peaches!!  SOUND    SCRAMBLE ACROSS THE ROOF LENNY    You killed him!  He was justa baby kitten!  He never din't do nothing to you! CHARLIE    Stop bawling and start helping! LENNY    I'll help.  Yeah, I know what I can do to help. SOUND    MOVING CLOSER LENNY    [unh!  Shoving] CHARLIE    Lenny? What are you doing?  Ahh!!!  Claude! LENNY    Stay back, Claude. CLAUDE    I'm just a bit too damn tired to stop you. CHARLIE    Claude?!?  Ahhhhhhhhh [scream as she goes off the roof] SOUND    ROAR OF MONSTERs, grinding chewing CHARLIE    [Horrible screaming.] LENNY    [calm again] Sorry you had to see that. SOUND    MONSTER NOISES DISSIPATE CLAUDE    Sorry about your Peaches, Lenny.  We'll get you another kitten. LENNY    Okay.  [pause] Claude?  Let's not get you another wife, though, okay? SOUND    CLOCK CHIMES 1 O'CLOCK CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... __________________ LENNY    Funny thing, though - Why'd Artie tell me about this?  CLAUDE    I have a feeling he... well... meant for us to come to a bad end. LENNY    But he carries a torch for Charlie! CLAUDE    Yup.  And he said she shouldn't come. LENNY    Oh!  [musing]  Artie's never...wrong. _________________ CLAUDE    If anybody who's asleep is safe, I think maybe Peaches saved your life. By sleeping. LENNY    [wailing] Peaches!!! CLAUDE    Lenny, just hold on to the good times. THE END

Set in the same world as B&B Investigations, but some 30 years later.  So while Paul & Donna are Sam Spade, Gretal & Hansel are Starsky and Hutch. CAN YOU DIG IT? ****************************************** Cast List Rebekah Gretal - Risa Torres Vic Hansel - Reynaud LeBoeuf B.O. Wulf - Lothar Tuppan Capt. Meisterburger - Glen Hallstrom Ginger - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard Fleet - Chris Stockett Shallott - Bryan Hendricksen Juniper - Chris Stockett Rumplestiltskin - Philomen Vanderbeck Dr. Fell - Colin McRoberts Goose Gander - Mark Olson TV News  - Suzanne Dunn Senator Rapunzel - Julie Hoverson Mysterious Voice - Mark Olson Woodcutter - Justin Cop 1 - Graciespoppy  Cop 2 - Colin McRoberts Trainer - Graciespoppy Maitre d' - Philemon Vanderbeck Bartender - James Keeley Woman1 - Sara Falconer Woman2 - Angela Kirby Stumpy - Brody Walker Additional gingerbread men - Cary Ayers, Leonard Keeler, Danar Hoverson Music by  Footage Firm, Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's an alley, can't you tell?" ********************************* Hot Ginger Bread Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Woodcutter, the stoolie Cop1 and cop2 Rebekah Gretal, tough old-school cop Vic Hansel, new-age hippie cop with no fear Goose Gander, affirmative action detective B.O. Wulf, other tough cop Captain Meisterburger - chief of detectives Ginger, nearsighted witch running the cartel Fleet, Ginger's head man Senator Rapunzel Mysterious stranger Shallott, internal affairs TV News Trainer Other gingerbread men Maitre d' Bartender (frog) Woman1 Woman2 Juniper Fell Rumplestiltskin   ADD COMMERCIAL BREAKS? OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a back alley in a vaguely familiar city - but an unfamiliar time, can't you tell?  1_OPENING TAG MUSIC - FUNK!!!!! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, ECHOING IN AN ALLEYWAY, DISTANT TRAFFIC.  POLICE WHISTLES COP1    [distant] Stop!  Police! WOODCUTTER    Nuh-uh!  SOUND    GATE CLANG OPEN, FEET RUN THROUGH WOODCUTTER    [triumphant] Oh yeah! SOUND    FEET SLOW, STOP TO LISTEN WOODCUTTER    [gasping but laughing] Lame-ass fuzz. SOUND    GUN COCKS COP2    [snide] What was that? WOODCUTTER    Oh...  uh...  [weaselly] I have the right to remain silent? 2_GRETAL MUSIC    SCENE WIPE [gym] SOUND    PUNCHING BAG WULF    Hey Ree, dontcha think that saddle-slap is about to shed some eye-dew? GRETAL    [exerting] Nah, Wulf.  Momma always said you gotta keep hitting til it squeals uncle. WULF    [shrugs] Stranger things have come to pass. GRETAL    'sides, big heavy meeting coming up with the Cap.  Needed to cool down a bit first. SOUND    PUNCHING STOPS GRETAL    Hear you gotta new partner.  What happened to Canute?  You guys were joined at the badge.  WULF    [grumpy] New inefficiency program.  Ya get too good, ya get cleaved in twain like a bronze war helmet.  Plus they needed someone who can stand a pattycake in the car. GRETAL    Oh yeah, I heard one of 'em got his shield.  [a bit disgusted] Welcome to the future. WULF    [dismissive] If this is the future, I'll take Valhalla.  You cooled yet? GRETAL    Nah, a few more-- TRAINER    [from across the room] Anyone here seen Gretal? GRETAL    [heavy sigh] Guess I'm done. WULF    Good luck.  And remember - they only have one pattycake to assign, so it can't be a kettlefull of snakes. GRETAL    Words to live by. 3_HANSEL MUSIC    SCENE WIPE [CAPTAIN'S OFFICE] CAPTAIN    [to someone in the room] I'll be just a minute.  [back to phone]  I specifically said 3:00 and it's now-- SOUND    RAP ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN    Never mind.  SOUND    HANGS UP PHONE CAPTAIN    [grumpy]  Get in here, Gretal! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ENTER CAPTAIN    Shut the door. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS FIRMLY GRETAL    What did I do this time?  If it's that weasel we pulled out of toad hall, he fell down the stairs.  They all did.  Ask anyone. CAPTAIN    No, it's -- GRETAL    Oh, I got it.  The fish is talking again?  CAPTAIN    NO!  Sit down and listen! GRETAL    Right. SOUND    CHAIR CAPTAIN    [suspicious] What was this about a fish? GRETAL    [too quick] Nothing. CAPTAIN    Then never mind... for the moment.  I've got bigger ... uh... things to fry.  You know they been shaking things up since the corruption stings hit - changing up the partners in the detective posts? GRETAL    Doesn't bother me, I don't have a partner. CAPTAIN    Not yet. GRETAL    I work better on my - what? CAPTAIN    New directive, straight from the Keep.  Everyone works with a partner, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  GRETAL    You know no one can keep up with me!  I have the highest manacle rating in homicide!  Just last week I stopped that vigilante goat and took down the troll that ate his family.  CAPTAIN    Your record does speak for itself.  GRETAL    Frankly, the goat was tougher. CAPTAIN    But with the recent corruption issues-- GRETAL    [horrified] Captain!  You can't think I'm dirty!  I even play fair with pattycakes. CAPTAIN    Fair, yes.  But it's this lone wolf mentality that's got people up in arms.  Too many cops without adequate oversight. GRETAL    Oversight?  I'll show you oversight! CAPTAIN    And no, I don't think for a moment that you're a dirty cop. GRETAL    Damn straight! CAPTAIN    Just a rude one who won't shut up and listen to her damn boss. GRETAL    I--!  [beat]  Fine. CAPTAIN    Good.  Now you better listen, cause sure as bad things come in threes, there's someone above us just waiting for a chance to come down on us like a sledgehammer-- GRETAL    Thor? CAPTAIN    [ignoring her] --and take this entire department apart, brick by brick.  So while the big eye is on us, we have to play nice.  Which means you do as you're told. GRETAL    How long? CAPTAIN    Til "they're" done.  Whenever that may be. GRETAL    [wheedling] Why can't you partner me up with Wulf?  At least we see eye-to-eye on-- CAPTAIN    "Necessary force"?  Yeah, that's exactly why he's partnered up with Gander and you get our newest transfer from "CAP". GRETAL    Crimes against Pattycakes?  Seriously?  [disgusted] Am I gonna have to speak in rhyme? VIC    [gentle cough] Don't worry.  I just work with them. [bitter] I'm as normal as anyone. GRETAL    [whirling, annoyed] What the--?  [to captain] You never said--! CAPTAIN    And you never gave me a chance.  Rebekah Gretal, meet Vic Hansel. VIC    It's a... pleasure. GRETAL    [ignoring him] You're not transferring me?  Please tell me we're not-- CAPTAIN    You're not going to be CAP, no. GRETAL    [to Vic] Hah.  Looks like you traded up. CAPTAIN    You're both going to be part of a special task force, working in parallel with vice. GRETAL    Oh, hell no. 4_WITCH MUSIC WIPE     [WITCH'S OFFICE, SULTRY MUSIC] SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKED UP GINGER    Yes? STRANGER    [disguised mechanized voice]  Woodcutter is turning woodlark. GINGER    The hell you say. STRANGER    The guard has him under wraps.  Not even booked yet.  GINGER    Narco? STRANGER    No.  They have not been informed. GINGER    How did you find all this out? STRANGER    A Little pixie told me.  Good enough for you to drop a gold ball in the well for me? GINGER    Very good.  You'll have it by the end of the week. SOUND     HANGS UP, CLICK INTERCOM FLEET    [deep voice] Yeah, boss? GINGER    Fire up the ovens, Fleet.  Looks like I'm gonna need a few more good men. 5_BAR MUSIC    CUT TO BAR T.V. NEWS    In the overwhelming wake of the Aarne Thompson exposés on corruption in the guard, shakeups have been felt throughout the land.  WULF    Turn it off. GRETAL    Nah, leave it.  Better to hear what's coming, than get blindsided like I just did. T.V. NEWS    Commissioner Oftheguard set the date for his official resignation ceremony. WULF    That sucks. GRETAL    [very upset growl] The Guard was his damn life.  They shouldn't take this crap out on him. WULF    He was planning to retire anyway, wasn't he? GRETAL    Yeah, but in a hail of glory, not a... rain of frogs. BARTENDER    [croaky] Watchoo got against frogs? GRETAL    [dismissive noise] T.V. NEWS    The hotly-contested interim Commissioner position will be designated by the end of the week, and will hold office until the elections in two months. VIC    A lot could happen in two months. GRETAL    [completely startled] Oh crap!  Where the gilliken did you come from? VIC    I've been here for a while.  [to B.O.] Hi! WULF    Uh, hi. VIC    Introduce us? GRETAL    Wulf, this is my new partner Vic Hansel.  Hansel, this is Brynulf Odegaard Wulf.  We just call him B.O. VIC    Gotcha. T.V. NEWS    Senator Rapunzel had this to say on the eve of the corruption hearings... WULF    [annoyed] You want me to invite my partner too?  We could play a hand of poker.  Start a bowling league? T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  I have never been ashamed of my stand on justice.  GRETAL    [resigned sigh]  No. VIC    Sorry.  Didn't realize I was intruding.  But we -um- just got a call. T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  I did my time in the district attorney's office, doing what good I could. GRETAL    [to bartender] One more! BARTENDER    [croaky] Coming right up. SOUND    SPLASH VIC    Should you--? GRETAL    Definitely. T.V. RAPUNZEL    [old woman]  And now in my fourth term in the grand high senate to have my own home land turned topsy-turvy like a rolling hedgehog.  Now I am ashamed.  Ashamed I moved up to the senate, to the castle, and never saw what was happening in the streets so far below my very own tower window. 6_ASSIGNMENT SOUND    RESTAURANT MAITRE D'    [french and very sneery] Two?  You? VIC    Inspectors.  Checking fire escapes.  Just passing through. MAITRE D'     Oui oui.  I see.  SOUND    THEY WALK, NOISE FADES A BIT IN HALLWAY GRETAL    [suspicious] Meisterburger sent us here? VIC    Captain Meisterburger said we were to meet a contact in-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS TWO WOMEN COME OUT AND WALK PAST WOMAN1    So I said to him - oh yeah?  You want me soooo bad, dad, you can get me a fur coat with snippets from every animal in the entire world! WOMAN2    You didn't! SOUND    WOMEN ARE GONE GRETAL    Tell me this is a joke so I don't gotta punch you. MIRROR    [muffled, from inside a room] It's not a joke. GRETAL    The ladies room?  We're meeting a contact in the ladies room?  AND it sounds like a guy. VIC    Check and see if there's anyone else in there. SOUND    DOOR OPENS MIRROR    If there was anyone else in here, I would hardly be talking to you, would I? GRETAL    Holy crap.  Get in here Vic.  SOUND    FEET ENTER SOUND    DOOR SHUTS GRETAL    This is Shallott of Internal Affairs. MIRROR    Oh?  Have we met before? GRETAL    Lock it. SOUND    LATCH CLICKS GRETAL    I try to keep up with whoever might be snooping on me. MIRROR    Whomever. GRETAL    WHATever.  And you wonder why I don't much go in for makeup. VIC    So ... are you in the mirror, or are you the mirror? MIRROR    Potayto - potahto.  For all that we clearly aren't going to like one another, Gretal, I've never caught a smidge of dirt on you.  And I know your uncle, who vouches for you. VIC    Who? GRETAL    [vehement] SHHH! MIRROR    And Hansel there is so uptight he squeaks.  VIC    I-- MIRROR    You two are just about the cleanest detectives we got. GRETAL    [half pleased, half disgusted] Really? VIC    Jumping Cow! MIRROR    And that's why this can't go through regular channels.  GRETAL    B-but... Captain Meisterburger? MIRROR    This is not a gossip session.  This is a briefing.  Good.  A couple of helmets out of the dickory dock district caught a petty thief - one of the Woodcutter boys - two nights ago.  GRETAL    Figures.  [knowing] Them woodcutters. MIRROR    He made a deal, and somehow lucked into talking to just the right person.  We managed to make him disappear and have kept him on ice.  We know there are still leaks - BIG leaks - in vice, so we can't turn him over to them, even though he claims he's willing to take someone to [importantly] the Gingerbread house. MOMENT OF SILENCE VIC    Gingerbread house? GRETAL    no offence, but where do you come into it? VIC    Ginger bread house? MIRROR    We want you to follow along, make sure he's not just selling us a dead cowhide in a sack, and report back.  Nothing more - except you don't talk to ANYONE but me.  Not the Captain, not your best friend. VIC    [louder] Gingerbread house? MIRROR    [sneering slightly] I forget, you haven't had to deal with REAL crimes yet.  VIC    [annoyed] I have so--! MIRROR    Gingerbread is the hottest drug on the market, and whoever is distributing it-- GRETAL    [smug] whomever. MIRROR    This new cartel is making money faster than Midas.  They're selling cheap, now, but soon as they have half the city hooked they'll jack-be-nimble the prices, and we're all going to drown in a tidal wave of crime, without even a pea green boat to paddle. VIC    And the house? MIRROR    Rumor has it there's a central refining and distribution plant, where all the baking happens.  We need to find it.  If we can call out all the kings horses and all the kings men quickly enough, there won't be time for any dormice in the department - any department - to give the high sign before we take it down. GRETAL    Hmph.  And here I thought this was gonna be a shit job. MUSIC 7_BONFIRE AMB    IN CAR GRETAL    You CAN tell me where we're going. SOUND    RUSTLE OF MAP VIC    [distracted]  No, that's ok.  Turn left. GRETAL    That wasn't a hint, it was a demand. VIC    Huh? SOUND    CAR BRAKES TO A SUDDEN STOP GRETAL    My car.  My rules.  Where are we meeting this troll? VIC    He's a woodcutter, not a troll. GRETAL    [warning] AND...? VIC    He's being kept in a safe house. SOUND    CAR STARTS AGAIN GRETAL    Hah.  You mean a dive motel near the Shoe. VIC    How did you know? GRETAL    Educated guess.  I've worked protection a few times. SOUND    A BIT OF SILENCE, A FIRE TRUCK ZOOMS PAST VIC    [hesitant] You sounded like you knew... of... the Woodcutters? GRETAL    Bad lot.  Ain't a single one of them any good in three generations.  Fell in with a bad crowd and never fell out again. SOUND    CAR SLOWS, APPROACHES FIRE TRUCK, BIG FIRE GRETAL    Let me guess.  That's the place? SOUND    RUSTLE OF MAP VIC    Uhhh... [down] yeah. 8_ELUSIVE MUSIC AMB    OUTSIDE, OBSERVING THE FIRE FROM A DISTANCE GRETAL    Humph.  They got the fire under control before it took out the shoe.  Big money always survives. VIC    Three bodies, but no way to know which unit they were pulled out of. GRETAL    Come on.  If "our friend" didn't end up burnt to cinders, he's probably long gone. VIC    I'm not so sure.  Let's walk a perimeter. SOUND    THEY START WALKING GRETAL    A Perimeter?  Fancy talk.  Bet you didn't learn that from anyone in Iambic Pentameter. VIC    I did have a life before C-A-P.  And Pattycakes are simple.  Most don't lie at all, and if they do, they don't do it well.  GRETAL    It's those big round faces.  Wide innocent eyes.  Not much to hide behind. VIC    That, and they just don't see the point.  Simple doesn't mean stupid.  SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS GRETAL    [hushed rushed] Hold on.  Something up ahead. SOUND    GUN DRAWN SOUND    SHE WALKS SLOWLY SOUND    VIC DRAWS MORE SLOWLY SOUND    SUDDEN FLURRY OF MOTION - CLATTER OF METAL - RUNNING FEET AWAY. GRETAL    Come on! SOUND    RUNNING! SOUND    CHAIN LINK FENCE, CLIMB GRETAL    Damn damn damn! SOUND    HITS FENCE SOUND    VIC RUNS UP VIC    Come on, he's not too far-- GRETAL    No. VIC    But we can get him! GRETAL    That's a no go zone.   See the sign? VIC    Rampion Limited? GRETAL    Yeah.  Very private property.  Dammit! SOUND    HITS FENCE SOUND    DOG STARTS BARKING SOUND    ALARM GOES OFF GRETAL    [sarcastic and bitter]  Yeah.  That's put a shoe in the loaf. 9_HOME AGAIN SOUND    OFFICE SOUND    HAND SLAMS DOWN CAPTAIN    What have you got to say for yourselves? GRETAL    [stony] Saw someone go over the fence - we were trying to stop a break-in. CAPTAIN    Why were you even in that part of town?  VIC    [very smooth] Anonymous tip.  Said a firebug was going to hit - and when the motel went up, we thought we might be of some use. GRETAL    [a little surprised and appreciative] Yeaah. CAPTAIN    [starting low and building to a loud growl]  If there is one thing I can NOT stand, it's when my officers think they're smarter than I am! GRETAL    [quiet, but getting it] Oh hell.  [up, belligerent]  Captain, I don't think I'm smarter than you.  Just tougher and more in tune with the street. VIC    Wait!  Wait!  We can work this out! CAPTAIN    [angry low rumble] The hell you say? GRETAL    [nearly yelling] The Pied Piper could stroll back into town playing a mazurka and it would take you and three blind mice to find him! VIC    Let's talk calmly about this-- CAPTAIN    [to vic] SHUT UP! GRETAL    [to vic] SHUT UP! CAPTAIN    Give me your gun and shield.  You're suspended. GRETAL    Fine.  SOUND    RUSTLE, CLANK. VIC    Wait - I - SOUND    GRETAL STORMS OUT VIC    What ...just happened? CAPTAIN    Ask your damn partner. MUSIC A1_CAUSE OF DEATH AMB    HALLWAY SOUND    ELEVATOR PINGS, SLIDES CLOSED VIC    Hold it! SOUND     RUNNING FEET, DOOR STOPPED GRETAL    What? SOUND    VIC GETS IN, HITS BUTTON, DOOR SHUTS VIC    What was all that? GRETAL    hah.  He started it. VIC    [concerned] So... what will you do now? GRETAL    Hmm?  Oh, go to the morgue. VIC    Uh.... why? GRETAL    See Juniper.  Find out what happened at the fire. VIC    But... you're suspended. GRETAL    [shrug] We only need your badge to get around. MUSIC AMB    GINGER'S OFFICE SOUND    DOOR OPENS GINGER    Ah, Fleet.  How comes the army? FLEET    Fifteen more, [clears throat] though one stuck and ... and lost part of an arm. GINGER    [furious] Who's responsible? FLEET    [cowering] It was an accident!  Um, uh - not enough butter! GINGER    [vicious, but calming] See that it doesn't happen again.  FLEET    Yes Ma'am. GINGER    Are they all ready to run? FLEET    [important] It's what we're made for. MUSIC AMB    MORGUE SOUND    DOOR OPENS JUNIPER    [squawky voice]  Stay out! GRETAL    Is that any way to talk to detectives? JUNIPER    Oh, it's you.  Fine.  But I'm in the middle of a post mortem. GRETAL    Aw, crap... VIC    Interesting.  Do we get to see a body? GRETAL    Hell no. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SOMETHING BEING WHEELED OUT. GRETAL    Hey Juney.  We're here about the dead Woodcutter. JUNIPER    Why am I not surprised? VIC    Can we see the body? GRETAL    [aside] Shut up.  [to Juney]  What can you tell us about how he got dead? JUNIPER    Aren't you suspended? GRETAL    Yesss... Show him your badge, Hansel. JUNIPER    Aawk.  I know you're good for it.  How's your uncle doing? GRETAL    [forced joviality] Hey Vic, maybe you can take a look at the vic's - uh, victim's - belongings. JUNIPER    Dr. Fell will take you through. FELL    [grumpy humph] Come on.  Moron. SOUND    FEET, DOOR SHUTS GRETAL    Pattycakes?  Even here? JUNIPER    Where else will they get to practice?  Dead folks are notoriously unbiased.  Now.  How is your uncle? GRETAL    Taking it hard, I guess.  Haven't really had a chance to check in.  JUNIPER    [squawk of sympathy]  GRETAL    [shaking it off] So?  Woodcutter? JUNIPER    Didn't die in the fire.  The other bodies found with him had inhaled smoke - not him.  GRETAL    Someone killed him and set it to hide their tracks? JUNIPER    Speculation, but sound.  When you look over his things, get a whiff and tell me if you smell-- FELL    [from off] Aw hell! GRETAL    Crap. SOUND    FEET, SLAMS OPEN DOOR GRETAL    [disgusted] Aw, Vic, what are you doing? VIC    [calm] Just wanted to see a corpse.  [shrug noise]  GRETAL    Get a good whiff and then c'mon.  we're leaving. MUSIC SOUND    IN CAR VIC    Do you mind if I smoke? GRETAL    Roll down the window.  A pipe?  VIC    Bad habit.  Picked it up while undercover with Old King Cole. SOUND    MATCH, LIGHTING GRETAL    Am I going to have to bust you on a narco tip? VIC    [laughs, then changes the subject] I've never met a coroner before.  Are they generally large birds? GRETAL    You'd be surprised.  Juniper's cousin covers the next duchy over. VIC    Juniper? GRETAL    His real name is something unpronounceable in bird talk - so we call him Juniper.  For the tree he lives in.  Don't sell him short.  He's a dab hand at spotting any kind of hanky panky. VIC    Ah.  And you call him Juney? GRETAL    [evasive] He's an old friend of the family. VIC    [knowing] Ah.  GRETAL    [quickly, covering] What did you find out?  [disgusted] Apart from it smells like barbecue. VIC    Actually, the smoke had an entirely different tang to it.  Something sickly sweet.  Can't quite put my finger on it. GRETAL    Ew.  How can you be so calm?  VIC    [defensive] Just am.  [quickly changing the subject] I found two potential clues in his stuff, though.  GRETAL    Go on. VIC    He had a white pebble stuck in his shoe, and a pocketful of bread crumbs.  GRETAL    [disdainful snort] Huh.  Toast. VIC    I don't think so.  If I'm correct, I recognize the bread - a special brand of coarse sourdough ...popular with pattycakes.  MUSIC AMB    ST. IVES, THE PATTYCAKE QUARTER SOUND    JUMPROPE RHYME LIKE CHANTING IN THE BACKGROUND, CROWD GRETAL    Figures.  St. Ives is the center of most of the city's crime. VIC    [annoyed, but quiet] And 90% of it is run by Proseys. GRETAL    [sharp] What did you say? VIC    Nothing.  Just that crime hides here, it doesn't always start here. GRETAL    So YOU say. VIC    You can think whatever you want, but let me do the talking. GRETAL    Yeah, whatever. VIC    This is my beat.  [a little down] Was.  Don't worry.  My best contact isn't someone you'll have to rhyme to. MUSIC RUMPY    You want WHAT? VIC    You know, and I know, that you know everything and everyone, Mr. Stiltskin.  RUMPY    You know I've been getting out of the game, Hansel.  Too old. SOUND    HAND SLAMMED ON TABLE GRETAL    [pissed] Look!  Can you or can't you tell us where to find this Gingerbread house? VIC    Gretal! RUMPY    [unruffled] It's not so much a question of can I, but rather will I or won't I.  What's in it for me?  GRETAL    Public spirit? RUMPY    [laughs] VIC    Same old.  I'll owe you one, and you've cashed in plenty of my markers before. RUMPY    And all you want me to do is get you to the center of operations for the biggest dope ring in town? GRETAL    Yeah.  Peanuts. RUMPY    How's your friend Wulf adjusting to his new partner there, [very deliberately, hinting something] Miss Gretal? VIC    Hmm? GRETAL    [worried, but not sure] Dunno.  Haven't had a chance to -- [breaks off, annoyed again] What are you insinuating? RUMPY    Nothing, nothing...  [thinking noise]  Tell you what, I'll make a few calls, see what I can find out.  Meet me behind the Cutlery Café in an hour. VIC    Good. SOUND    FEET, DOOR, AS THEY LEAVE HIM GRETAL    [snort] You trust him? VIC    He's very good. GRETAL    And you're not afraid he's gonna do something stupid. VIC    [oddly hollow] I'm not afraid at all.  [up]  Should we report to Shallott?  Maybe we should pick up a hand mirror to keep in touch. GRETAL    Don't work like that.  Has to be a certain size and quality.  Why d'you think bathroom mirrors are so crappy? VIC    Ah. MUSIC SOUND    ALLEY GRETAL    I see alleys are the same all over. VIC    Yes. GRETAL    Why's it called the cutlery café?  Got a lot of sharp cheddar on the menu? VIC    [slight laugh] Nah.  The dish and the spoon who run it just like alliteration. GRETAL    [annoyed sigh]  [suddenly up, gasp]   Did you hear something? SOUND    DISTANT CRUNCH OF A FOOTSTEP, VERY QUIET VIC    No...  [long sniff, then realizing] THAT's what I smelled. GRETAL    What? SOUND    ATTACK - PEOPLE RUNNING INTO ALLEY! VIC    [with horror] Gingerbread! SOUND    BIG SCUFFLE SOUND    THUMP MUSIC FADES IN AS THEY WAKE UP GINGER    EVIL CHUCKLE GRETAL    [waking up, grunt, oww!!!] VIC    [weak] Lay still.  Breathe. GINGER    I don't like cops, do I, Fleet? FLEET    [deep creepy chuckle] No, Boss. GINGER    Except ones that I own... VIC    [calm, curious] I'm guessing we're not the first ones you've... entertained here? [hinting for her name] Miss...? GRETAL    What are you--? VIC    Shh. GINGER    [pleased, superior] Just call me Ginger.  What makes you ask? VIC    Well... I assume this big metal cage isn't something you just had lying around.  GINGER    [big throaty sexy laugh]  Good point.  But I might not use it exclusively for police.  VIC    Let me guess.  Business rivals?  People who owe you money?  [very knowing] Boy toys?  Tough Cookies? GINGER    [snappish and annoyed] I'll leave you to ponder that.  Fleet? FLEET    Boss? GINGER    Did you get their weapons? FLEET    [whispered] no fingers, boss. GINGER    Damn.  Take this-- SOUND    SNATCHES UP SOMETHING FROM THE DESK, HANDS IT OVER GINGER    --and cover them while I disarm them.  [muttering to self as she crosses to he cage] ...really need to perfect that recipe.  VIC    There's always prosthetics. GINGER    What? VIC    You could make hands that mount onto their arms. GINGER    Hmm.... GRETAL    Don't help the crime boss! GINGER    Hand over your weapons.  You can't shoot between the bars anyway.  Magic. GRETAL    Why I oughtta--! VIC    Just do it.  That frosted maniac may not have fingers, but I suspect that shotgun was made for his kind. FLEET    You bet. GRETAL    Hell. SOUND    GUN HANDED OVER GINGER    And yours. VIC    Here. GINGER    Hmph.  [insulting] Kind of... small. VIC    I spend a lot of time undercover. GINGER    Hmph.  Okay Fleet, round up the troops. FLEET    [plaintive] I don't get to kill them? GINGER    Maybe later.  Maybe just her.  [as she leaves] I might keep him around, give him a taste of the product - fatten him up a bit. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS VIC AND GRETAL    [sigh in relief] SOUND    DOOR OPENS GINGER    [from off] Leave Stumpy to guard them.  Make him earn his keep. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ENTER GRETAL    [musing] I don't think I'll ever eat a Gingerbread man again.  [hushed, but to Vic] Nice mess we're in.  Your contact set us up. VIC    [shrug] He only promised to get us in.   And ...he did. GRETAL    Count your fingers, toes and your children? VIC    Kinda.  But he's usually a bit more ... self-serving. GRETAL    I think I can reach the lock.  Got anything I can pick it with? VIC    Nothing. GRETAL    Well Dammit. STUMPY    Shut up in there! VIC    We'll just have to wait. GRETAL    [thinks, sigh of decision, then angry] If there is ONE thing I cannot stand, it's your defeatist attitude! VIC    [baffled by the sudden attack]  What? GRETAL    It's like I have to do everything in this damn partnership! STUMPY    I said shut up!  Or I'll shut you up! VIC    [getting it] Oh!  [angry sounding, but not too convincing]  Oh yeah?  Well, if you would just take a minute to think instead of running ahead like a... like a ... GRETAL    Bull in a china shop? VIC    No, a-- GRETAL    Giant round of cheese, rolling downhill and crushing all in my path? VIC    No!  a -- STUMPY    [very close] Juggernaut of disaster? VIC    No!  GRETAL    Who cares?  I'm going to kill you, and there's nothing this - this one-armed bandit can do to stop me! SOUND    SCUFFLE VIC    [not very convincing in pain] Ow!  Ow!  Ow! STUMPY    Boss said to take care of him.  SOUND    CAGE DOOR UNLOCKS STUMPY    Not you. GRETAL    [whisper] On three! VIC    [whisper] right! [up] Ow!  You're killing me!! GRETAL    I'm going to tear you in three - One, Two, Three! SOUND    GUNSHOT, CRACKING OF BROKEN GINGERBREAD GRETAL    What?  Where'd you get a gun? VIC    I never gave it up.  Is it "dead"? GRETAL    Not sure where to look for a pulse on a Gingerbread man.  But he has gone all floppy.  VIC    Seems logical.  All the same, let's lock him in. SOUND    FEET, CAGE DOOR LOCKS SOUND    BIG DOOR OPENING SLOWLY SOUND    DISTANT GUNSHOTS VIC    What do you think that is? WULF    [DISTANT ATTACK ROAR] GRETAL    [chuckle, very pleased] The cavalry. MUSIC SOUND    BIG OVEN FIRE, CLOSE SOUND    [OFF] FOOTSTEPS COMING GINGER    Damn.  Fleet!  Keep them back! FLEET    Right.  Men! SOUND    SHOTGUNS COCK MUSIC CUT TO    OUT IN HALL GRETAL    Do you still hear Wulf back there?  VIC    No. WULF    [DISTANT GROWLY ROAR] VIC    Yes.  Still far, though. GRETAL    Damn.  We may have that witch nailed down in the baking room, but with just us, and just your gun, we don't have a hope of taking her in. VIC    I see. GRETAL    How did you get your gun back anyway? VIC    Later.  Did you see how many of her gingerbread minions she has with her? GRETAL    Half a dozen maybe.  They all kinda look alike. VIC    Take the gun.  I have an idea. MUSIC OVEN ROOM GINGER    Did you see how many of them there were? FLEET    No, boss.  Just heard guns, and rushed you in here, as per evacuation plan 7-- SOUND    SPRINKLERS COME ON FLEET    Noooooooooo! OTHER GB MEN    [horrified reaction]  Not the sprinklers! GINGER    Damn!  I knew there was a reason I meant to have those replaced! SOUND    FLOPS AND SPLASHES AS THE MEN FALL APART SOUND    DOOR KICKED IN GRETAL    Hands up!  You're under arrest, witch! GINGER    Never! SOUND    OPENS HUGE OVEN GINGER    You'll never take me alive, coppers! VIC    Here comes Wulf! GRETAL    Step away from the oven! GINGER    [laughs maniacally, then screams as she steps into the oven] GRETAL    Oh crap!  I can't believe she -- VIC    Don't get too close! SOUND    FIRE WHOOSHES UP MUSIC SOUND    BAR VIC    How did you happen to show up at the right moment, anyway? WULF    A snitch.  VIC    [knowing] Should I guess his name? WULF    Slipped a word to us. GRETAL    Us?  Oh, right, your new partner. WULF    Gander's a well made sword.  Cut a righteous swath of his own against those crusty fellows. GRETAL    Where is he? VIC    Here he comes. GANDER    Thought I'd grab drinks for all us here; Hope everybody wants a beer. SOUND    SETTING DOWN DRINKS WULF    Sit down!  You're a warrior, not a wife! GRETAL    [a little brusque] Beer's good.  Thanks. VIC    How are you finding detective work? GANDER    Oh... The work is interesting, fine. And they'll get used to me in time. VIC    I'm sure they will. GRETAL    [Gulps down her beer] We gotta get going.  SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY CAPTAIN    Just the two I was looking for. GRETAL    Oh boy. CApTAIN    They got the oven shut down. GRETAL    And? VIC    May I guess? CAPTAIN    Uh, sure. VIC    No body.  CAPTAIn    They think maybe it was hot enough-- GRETAL    To destroy the corpse?  Nah.  It was her escape route.  Shoulda known.  She went in too easily. CAPTAIn    Watch your back, Gretal.  Hansel, you too.  Oh, and... SOUND    METAL CLINK CAPTAIN    You probably need this. GRETAL    Always a pleasure.  Feel naked without it. MUSIC AMB    CAR VIC    You need to cut that guy some slack. GRETAL    Who? VIC    The new guy. GRETAL    Who died and made you wise woman? VIC    He just walks up and you start edging toward the door. GRETAL    [growls] My problem, not yours. VIC    We are partners now.  Su problemo es mi problemo. GRETAL    Whatever.  [changing the subject] So?  The gun?  How'd you still have it when we were locked up? VIC    Oh that.  I never gave it up. GRETAL    But that witchy boss chick? VIC    Gave her my pipe instead. GRETAL    And she couldn't tell the difference? VIC    I noticed she was very nearsighted.  [tsks]  These vain women - afraid glasses will ruin their looks. *****************************

Paul and Donna are hired by Prince Waldo Charming to find his lost love - his only clue?  A shoe. Cast List Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Goldy Taylor - Rhys Torres-Miller Prince Waldo - Morgan Brown Alexander - Will Watt Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Miss Barbara - Robert Cudmore (YAP Audio) Espadrille - Reynaud LeBoeuf Music by  Somewhere Off Jazz Street      Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private detective's office in a time sort of like the 1940s, can't you tell?" ******************************************** PUMPS AND SPECTATORS - B&B Investigates, episode 2 Cast: Announcer Donna Bella Paul Bette Goldy Tailor - secretary Prince Waldo Charming Baron Alexander/Cindy Espadrille gruff "stepsister" Barbara, housemother/fairy godmother OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a Detective Agency, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND    PHONE RINGS, PICKS UP GOLDY    B&B Investigations, may I help you?  [beat, then turns belligerent]  Look, it ain't gonna happen.  ... No.  Because the boss don't help no one find tarts.  Nope.  Never. SOUND    HANGS UP DONNA    Another missing good time girl? GOLDY    Nahhh.  Queen of hearts.  Ya know. DONNA    Oh.  Patticakes.  Well, if anything real comes in, I can handle it.  [annoyed] Just 'cause Paul's not back from the enchanted brute convention as early as he was supposed to be doesn't mean the office shuts down.  He may be off doing who knows what with his furred and fanged cronies, but I'm sure he knows he can trust me to take on whatever-- MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 2.    GOLDY    Man, she had it bad.  A case of sea green envy for what the boss might be getting up to with his old college chums.  So what they were mostly frogs, bears, and the occasional walrus - she'd heard the sort of thing they used to get up to-- DONNA    What are you doing? GOLDY    Filling in.  The boss should be back any minute, and then -- DONNA    Look, I don't need anyone else horning in on my - our voiceovers. GOLDY    I just figured you might not want to be the one pouring your heart out in a narrative conceit.... DONNA    So you thought you'd pour it out for me?  [sarcastic] Thanx. Scene 3.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS, JINGLE OF BELL MUSIC ENDS ALEXANDER    Pardon the interruption, ladies.  May I announce Prince Waldo Charming? SOUND    STRIDES REGALLY IN, FOLLOWED BY AN ENDLESS ENTOURAGE. DONNA     Did you have to bring the whole box of toy soldiers?  The office is only so big. ALEXANDER    [consults with the prince, then]  Atten-hut!  About face!  March. SOUND     ENDLESS FEET LEAVE AGAIN ALEXANDER    The prince apologizes for the intrusion, but he prefers to keep this as informal and ‑ahem- low-profile as possible. DONNA    Sure.  I can see that.  Why don't you step into the office over here? MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 4.    DONNA    So this was the infamous prince Waldo - the biggest royal catch of the last eight fishing seasons, and far too wily to let himself get hooked.  Every princess, rich society dame, screen siren, and various other lesser gold diggers had set their bait for him, and he swam serenely past them all.  I'm not among the anglers myself, since I already had my own trophy in sight- my own partner, Paul Bette, away now drinking with his cronies and doing whatever they please in the name of "old times". GOLDY    [side of the mouth] You're staring. DONNA    Huh?  GOLDY    [side of the mouth] He's about to get a restraining order. DONNA    Oh, um--  Office, right. MUSIC OUT Scene 5.    SOUND    OFFICE DOOR CLOSES DONNA    Well?  What can I do for you? PRINCE    Coffee? DONNA    Certainly. SOUND    CLICK OF INTERCOM GOLDY     A package just came for you. DONNA    Busy now.  Goldy?  Three coffees, please?  One too hot, and two just right?  Yes. SOUND    INTERCOM OUT DONNA    So, what brings you to a private investigator? PRINCE    I don't think we need to discuss it until he arrives.  DONNA    [barely polite]  What?  [exasperated noise]  He is due back soon, but I can help you just as well.  My name's on the door too.  Well, my initial, anyway. PRINCE    [bland, disinterested] Oh?  Lovely.  I hope you don't mind, but I find this is really a masculine sort of problem. DONNA    There are potions for that, you know. ALEXANDER    [incensed]  Young lady, what are you intimating? DONNA    That maybe he doesn't live up to his name? ALEXANDER    What's wrong with Waldo? DONNA    I meant Charming. PRINCE    I'll have you know-- SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN PAUL    Coffee?  Donna?  Why don't you let me deal with these good gentlemen.  DONNA    What? PAUL    [muttered] Go to voiceover. Scene 6.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER DONNA    [spitting words] So I left the boys to it. PAUL    [vo] What Donna didn't know was that I'd been listening on the intercom and knew she'd been about to scratch the eyes out of a very powerful prince-- DONNA    It wasn't his eyes I'd be aiming for-- PAUL    And it wouldn't do us any good to get on his wrong side. DONNA    Does he have a right one? PAUL    So rather than subject her to more of the prince's royaler-than-thou attitude, I decided to step in and let her off the hook. DONNA    [softening] Oh! PAUL    Scoot. DONNA    Leave the intercom on.  [blows him a kiss] VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES Scene 7.    DONNA    I'll just scoot then and go get my nails done or something, shall I? PRINCE    While nothing could possibly enhance your already considerable beauty, I'm certain that's precisely what you need.  [kisses her hand] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR Scene 8.    DONNA    Yup.  Definitely need to get my nails sharpened. GOLDY    Come on.  Let's hear what they have to say-- PRINCE    [on intercom]  Bit of a temper, has she, that girl? PAUL    [on intercom, fading to normal voice halfway through]  You don't know the half of it.  She's passionate about everything. PRINCE    Ah.  Well, then.  Let me get down to the problem at hand.  I think you will understand, Mr., um-- PAUL    Bette.  Paul Bette.  Just call me Paul if you like. PRINCE    Paul.  Quite.  And you may call me Prince Charming. PAUL    Charmed.  [waits for a laugh, nothing]  Ah.  Your case? PRINCE    Well, I have a passing acquaintance with an old school chum of yours, Prince Freddie Grenouille, and he says you are top of the line - both for cleverness and for ... ahem... discretion. PAUL    Absolutely.  Anything you say won't leave this room. PRINCE    Good.  I'm sorry to take so long to come to the point here, but this is a very delicate and stressful situation, and I am truly truly desperate. PAUL    Go on. Scene 9.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    I'd seen it all, from paternity suits to clearing up the occasional "carriage under the influence" charge.  And the royals were often the worst.  They could get away with pretty much anything, as long as they were willing to risk the occasional fairy charm or gypsy curse.  MUSIC CHANGES DONNA    But Charming had never been a "bad boy" - at least not in any way that made it into the scandal rags-- PAUL    Hey, what's with the-- DONNA    My new voiceover music just arrived by special messenger.  I'm trying out a couple of different pieces.  What do you think? PAUL    Um... DONNA    You don't like it.  PAUL    It's a little ... perky. DONNA    Fine.  Go ahead and finish up.  PAUL    Are you ...annoyed? DONNA    [snapping] No.  VOICEOVER MUSIC CHANGES BACK TO NORMAL PAUL    Charming did have a nearly spotless record.  He was an athlete - Greco-roman wrestling, fencing, and polo, a supporter of the arts - even acted in a few charity plays from time to time.  A general bon vivant.  No dark side, or so everyone thought... VOICEOVER MUSIC OUT Scene 10.    PRINCE    [vibrant] So when I danced with her last night, it was like we'd known each other for ever! PAUL    Did you happen to catch her name? PRINCE    Only Cindy.  When I asked her last name, she merely smiled and changed the subject - she was so alluring! PAUL    And you want me to-- PRINCE    [desperate] Find her.  I must see her again.  You can't possibly understand the pressure a thirty-uh-something prince is under to find a bride.  PAUL    I can see that would be awkward. PRINCE    Women are constantly being shoved at me from all sides, and - frankly?  I can't stand most of them.  They're such insipid little birds.  They tell me how fascinating I am, and then proceed to show they know nothing at all about me.  They profess to like all the things I like, then don't even know how to spell jai-alai, let alone play it.  PRINCE    [continued] I've spent years carefully keeping clear of marriage, since it would mean I'd have to spend my entire life with  a silly little twit, and would be obligated to listen to her chirp. PAUL    And this Cindy? PRINCE    [raptured] Completely different.  She dressed marvelously, but didn't feel compelled to give me the names of all her tailors.  She danced like a dream, but didn't demand I take her for one more spin around the floor, or suggest we walk out on the balcony.  And when she said she liked the things I like, she - she actually did! PAUL    Can you give me a description? PRINCE    About my height - in heels - long glossy dark chestnut hair - a few shades darker than your young lady's auburn - rather like Alexander's here - huge luminous eyes, and long artist's fingers on very strong hands. PAUL    Hmm.  Alexander, was it? ALEXANDER    [slightly panicky] Sir? PAUL    Can you add anything? ALEXANDER    I wasn't--  I was with a sick friend last night. PAUL    Ah.  That's awkward.  [to prince] Do you have any other clue to her identity? PRINCE    Oh, yes.  Alexander, the bag. ALEXANDER    Sir. SOUND    BAG PLOPPED ONTO DESK, SOMETHING PULLED OUT PAUL    A... shoe. PRINCE    She ran away at the stroke of midnight, and left it behind. PAUL    Can I keep this? PRINCE    But - she'll need it, when I find her again. PAUL    I mean to go over it for clues.  I'll get it back to you. PRINCE    [sigh of relief] Well, yes, then.  I thought-- nevermind. PAUL    I have my own female troubles - I have no plans to try and horn in on yours. ALEXANDER    You think any woman would throw over [too warm] such a Charming price, for a big brute of a private eye? PAUL    [chastened] No.  [tries to chuckle]  Course not.  But I do have to warn you, sire-- PRINCE    Yes? PAUL    This girl.  If she deliberately made herself such a mystery, there may very well be a good reason. PRINCE    like what? PAUL    She could be anything - a commoner, a ghost, a transformed hedgehog-- ALEXANDER    Nonsense! PAUL    The point is, you need to face reality and understand that there could be something very shady about her. PRINCE    I don't care.  She's the only woman I've ever felt this way about, and I plan to marry her - come what may.  You find her for me.  I shall handle the rest. Scene 11.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    Chauvinist or not, Charming was determined, in that way that only princes in love can be.  It was that particular brand of love that drives one to climb unclimbable mountains and fight unkillable dragons, and what do they get at the end?  Married. MUSIC CHANGES DONNA    Like Charming said, most princesses were simpering idiots with more hair than brains, and I should know - I may not be one myself, but I went to the same prep school. PAUL    This?  You decided on this? DONNA    Give me a break.  I can't tell how they're gonna sound until I try them out. PAUL    This is awful. DONNA    Fine.  Let me see the shoe, and we'll go on from there. MUSIC OUT Scene 12.    SOUND    SHOE SET ON DESK PAUL    There. DONNA    Nice. SOUND    HE SITS IN CHAIR PAUL    Do you think it's a little... large? DONNA    A bit bigger than mine. PAUL    Really, I guess I never really-- DONNA    Look at my feet? PAUL    [leering a bit] I never make it down that far... SOUND    SHE SITS UP ON DESK DONNA    Really? PAUL    Really.  [slight growl] DONNA    Question.  When I left, did the prince and his friend -uh- make it down that far? PAUL    What do you mean? DONNA    What were they looking at? PAUL    They just watched you leave. DONNA    I didn't hear you growl-- PAUL    Well, of course--  [suddenly worried] Oh-- you actually notice when I do that? DONNA    [dreamy]  Of course I do.  I don't mind when you-- um, get annoyed on my behalf. PAUL    [deep breath]  I think we're getting a bit off track here. DONNA    Right.  Shoe. PAUL    No, left.  Shoe.  Anything? DONNA    It's a Dolce-geppeto.  They're pricey, but not extortionate.  Too bad she didn't mention her dressmaker - that would have been a much better clue.  PAUL    Well, how many places sell these shoes? DONNA    Assuming she's local, maybe six of the big boutiques downtown. PAUL    You wanna take those, then?  Go ask questions? DONNA    Um... No.  PAUL    You don't want to go shopping for shoes?  I mean, [scared] you're going to leave me to hit all these fancy ladies' shoe shops? DONNA    I have some ideas of my own to follow up on, and the shoe isn't going anywhere.  Tell you what, if you don't get a hit on the shoe in 24 hours, I'll take it.  PAUL    But - but how do I even ask? DONNA    Here. SOUND    INTERCOM BEEP DONNA    Goldy, could you come in here? SOUND    DOOR GOLDY    Yeah? DONNA    Take this to Rose & Snow's and ask for the style number.  Then ask them if they have any record of someone buying this shoe in this size in the last two weeks. GOLDY    I don't do legwork.  I ain't as young as I used to be. DONNA    Buy yourself a pair of shoes - on the office - while you're there. GOLDY    Gimme that! SOUND    SNATCH, DOOR SLAMS PAUL    [brightening] So I could just send her round to every store? DONNA    Not at a pair of shoes per trip.  We'd run through our entire commission. PAUL    What? DONNA    I said they weren't cheap.  One pair we can add in as a legitimate expense - past that...  [shrug]  Once you get the style nunmber, you can phone the rest.  Well, I'm heading out. SOUND    JUMPS DOWN OFF DESK DONNA    Need anything? PAUL    [a bit lost, watching her]  Um, no... DONNA    Chow! Scene 13.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    Wo.  [deep breath]  I thought over the content of our discussion and realized there was something she was keeping back - that secret smile, the strange questions - but while we were talking I couldn't take my eyes off her, sitting on my desk like that, one silk-seamed leg crossed over the other.  [growl]  She doesn't even seem to notice the effect she has on me, and I'm not sure whether that makes it worse or better - if I tell her, she might just stop, and then I won't even get this much of a-- MUSIC CHANGES AGAIN DONNA    What is this, a beer garden?  They sent me the wrong box, I'm sure of it. PAUL    It's not so bad - for a polka. DONNA    Hmph.  You done yet? PAUL    Uh, yeah - I'll talk to a few folks while I'm waiting for Goldy to get back. DONNA    [beat] There are things men just don't see, and which it's probably better they don't.  A picture was painting itself in my head, and while it wasn't a particularly tricky answer to the problem of find the girl, it also wasn't likely to have the happiest of endings.  Why?  I added up a size 11 shoe, a lady who could spell jai alai and a prince who didn't stare at my backside as I left the room, and I got a very queer answer indeed. MUSIC     STARTS TO FADE DONNA    And it was an answer I wasn't sure my wonderful he-man partner would be at all happy about, which is why I went alone to a boarding house we used to rather snottily call Gamma Alpha Ypsilon, back in my own sorority days.  SOUND    FEET ON PORCH, KNOCK ON DOOR Scene 14.    ESPADRILLE    Yes? DONNA    Hi, I'm a P.I. and I'm-- SOUND     DOOR SLAM DONNA    [sigh] SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR DONNA    I'm not going away.  You can talk to me, or you can talk to my partner, and he ain't gonna understand. SOUND    DOOR FLUNG OPEN BARBARA    What do you want? DONNA    I'm looking for someone, and I think she might be known here. BARBARA    For this you come around annoying my girls?  Scaring poor Espadrille half to death? DONNA    I have no interest in making trouble for anybody.  Please.  I just have some questions and would rather not shout them to the entire world.  Can we talk? BARBARA    [deciding] You tell me what you need, I decide if I'll ask anyone else.  Come on - my parlor's over here. MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 15.    DONNA    So I outlined the problem, and Miss Barbara was very upset by the whole situation - she said she was sure Cindy wasn't one of her ...boarders, but that she would ask around.  She didn't give me much hope, though. Scene 16.    MUSIC OUT BARBARA    Tell the poor boy it will never work.  Two worlds, all that.  He would have to be willing and able to take her as she is - warts and all, as they say - and the chances of that are - pfft! DONNA    You might be surprised. BARBARA    Honey, I ain't been surprised in years. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS IN Scene 17.    PAUL    Were you using the old music again? DONNA    I ...forgot.  Sorry.  But the new stuff is pretty cringe-worthy. PAUL    Keep trying, sweetheart.  You'll find something. DONNA    I hope so.  Did you need the voiceover? PAUL    Only if you're finished.  DONNA    [sigh] Yeah, I guess so.  I need to think. PAUL    So I checked with the photographers from last night's big bash - and found that the mystery just deepened.  This Cindy was a slick sister - seemed to always know where the snappers were and managed to keep her back to them all night.  Only once did they catch half a profile, head and shoulders with just a glimpse of the side of her face - I told him to blow it up and send it over, along with a dozen of the dress, figuring maybe Donna could play name that dressmaker.  Then I decided to catch up with an old friend... MUSIC OUT Scene 18.    SOUND    BANGING ON A DOOR RUMPY    [muffled, hung over] Bugger off! SOUND    CLINKING OF COINS PAUL    One, two, three-- SOUND    DOOR IS FLUNG OPEN RUMPY    If it ain't me old pal, Bette.  Git yourself inside here - that daylight's too damn bright. SOUND    SHUFFLING FEET PAUL    It's dark out. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS RUMPY    Then what am I doing asleep?  SOUND    BONK PAUL    Ow! RUMPY     [amused] Gotta watch them rafters, you old beanstalk you. PAUL    [strained, cause he's bending over]  I need you to find out about someone for me.  A woman. RUMPY    Your sweet partner?  She running around with other ...dicks? PAUL    What?  What do you--? RUMPY    Nothing.  Just wondering maybe she plying her trade - and I do mean detecting, no offense, [sarcastic] my friend - elsewhere. PAUL    Of course she's not.  She wouldn't-- RUMPY     You're probably right.  So who did you want me to check over? SOUND    CORK OUT OF JUG PAUL    [musing] There wouldn't be time, anyway - though she didn't want to take on the shoe-- RUMPY    [gulping, then] Whazzat? PAUL    Nothing.  Um.  Right.  A woman who was spotted at the Prince's June Glam ball last night.  No one seems to know who she was, and she didn't, apparently, have an invite. RUMPY    [way sarcastic] Yeah, one look at me, and you just know I'm up on the society pages.  PAUL    I don't think this dame's "society."  I think she's working an angle on the prince, and I want to know if there's a whisper anywhere.  RUMPY    What's in it for me? PAUL    This, now-- SOUND    CLINK OF TWO COINS PAUL    And twice that if you can deliver. RUMPY    C'mon, Bette, old buddy, old pal - I'm gonna haveta drink around for this, maybe float some people.  Play the game. PAUL    Keep your receipts. SOUND    A COUPLE STEPS, THEN SOUND    BONK! PAUL    Ow! MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER Scene 19.    PAUL    I started the wheels in motion, but nothing would turn up for a couple of days - if ever.  [beat]  Donna?  Are you there?  [beat, then worried]  I figured she just didn't like the case - she certainly didn't seem to take a shine to that prince.  He was handsome, in that tall, cold, blonde princely sort of way, and she always says she hates those guys.  [beat]  Donna? DONNA    Busy now.  I'll fill in my part later. PAUL    Where are you?  Maybe I can come by and help? DONNA    Nope.  Just interviewing the prince's friend.  You go ahead and keep the--  Oops, gotta go! PAUL    The friend?  Dark haired, willowy, handsome, not so tall.  Not a good train of thought to catch, since like any other express, it runs non-stop.  [up]  I'll just go back to the office then, shall I? DONNA    [chuckling breaks off] Hmm?  Oh, sure.  See you in a bit. PAUL    [growls] MUSIC OUT Scene 20.    SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN HARD GOLDY    I see someone's in a bright and shiny mood. PAUL    No calls. SOUND    STOMPING FEET, OFFICE DOOR YANKS OPEN, THEN SLAMS VOICEOVER MUSIC - new tune, not too bad. GOLDY    What did she do? DONNA    What? GOLDY    Oops - I'll get out of-- DONNA    Wait, what did who do? [waits a second]  Goldy?  Chicken.  Fine.  Music hold. SOUND    MUSIC CUTS SUDDENLY SOUND    TELEPHONE RINGS GOLDY    B&B Investigations, how may--  DONNA    [filter] What were you saying? GOLDY    Oh.  Boss is kind of upset is all.  Figured, um... DONNA    [filter, warning] What? GOLDY    Well, when he starts slamming doors, he's usually annoyed... um... with-- you? DONNA    [filter, long breath to get her composure back] I am in the middle of something, but-- Soon as I'm back, we're going to have a-- GOLDY    Oops - call coming in.  buh-Bye! SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP Scene 21.    ALEXANDER    Were you finished with me?  DONNA    Not quite, but I don't think we can talk here.  I need you to come to my suite at the Andersen Arms.  Tonight at 7 p.m.  Alone. ALEXANDER    Really, miss Bella, I don't think-- DONNA    Sweetie, you're not my type.  But we need to talk somewhere a bit more private.  ALEXANDER    [cautious and concerned] Talk? SOUND    SCRIBBLING A NOTE ON PAPER DONNA    It's regarding the welfare of the prince, and you know how people leap on-- SOUND    HANDING PAPER OVER ALEXANDER    Hmm?  [reads, gasps, the a bit frightened] Yes, of course.  I'll-- I'll be there. Scene 22.    NEW MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - KIND OF ROMANCEY DONNA     Now to figure out how to tell Paul I wanted to handle a denouement on my own.  GOLDY    You want I should tell him? DONNA    Will you stop jumping in on the voiceovers?  We have enough trouble sharing them as it is. GOLDY    Fine.  I was gonna tell you where the boss is.  But since you obviously have everything well in hand-- DONNA    Where is he?  [beat]  Goldy?  Hold. Scene 23.    MUSIC CUTS OUT SOUND    PHONE RINGS DONNA    Come on... PAUL    [on phone] Hello? DONNA    Oh, drat. PAUL    [on phone] What?  Donna? DONNA    Paul, I-- PAUL    [on phone] I've found Cindy. DONNA    You have?  Where? PAUL    [on phone] Well, a good solid lead.  Should have my hands on her by this evening, but she's a tough cookie to nail down.  DONNA    Crumbs! PAUL    [on phone] What? DONNA    If you nailed down a cookie.  Nevermind. PAUL    [on phone] Why are we talking on the phone?  Why don't you just come on into the office? DONNA    I - I've got a terrible headache.  Think I'll go home and lie down.  Be fresh in the morning.  Bye! PAUL    [on phone] Donna?  [normal]  Donna? SOUND    HANGS UP THE PHONE PAUL    Damn.  Headache, my eye. SOUND    PHONE RINGS, keeps ringing PAUL    Goldy?  You wanna get this? GOLDY    [off] Nah - it's probably her again. PAUL    But it's your job to answer the phone... GOLDY    [off] I'm on my break. SOUND    PHONE PICKED UP PAUL    [sighs, then tries to mimic Goldy's voice] B&B Investigations, how can I help you? GOLDY    [off] Oy... RUMPY    [on phone]  You got a cold, Bette?  Or just drinking alum? PAUL    [normal]  Stuff it.  What you got, Rumpy? RUMPY    [on phone]  [chuckles]  What you got for me? PAUL    I'll meet you tomorrow. RUMPY    [on phone]  Nuh-uh.  [sighs]  My expense account musta grown from magic beans - it's just about sky level now. PAUL    We didn't-- RUMPY    [on phone]  Oh, it'll be worth it.  Bring your wallet to the Andersen Arms right away.  I'm in the lobby. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP Scene 24.    MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER - STILL THE LAST MUSIC DONNA WAS USING, ROMANTIC PAUL    What the--?  This is... Donna's music?  [gulps]  The Andersen Arms was a classic old building on Mermaid street, and Donna had lived there for-- RUMPY    Did you bring the clinkage? PAUL    I'm not there yet.  This is still the voiceover. RUMPY    [chuckles] Nice grooves.  You going soft, pal.  PAUL    It's Donna's new music. RUMPY    So she's going soft? Hmmm... PAUL    Look, I'll be there in a second! RUMPY    No skin off my nose. PAUL    [sigh] Fine.  I arrived.  Done. MUSIC FADES OUT Scene 25.    RUMPY    Took you long enough.  Cross my palm, and I'll tell you all. SOUND    COINS CLINK RUMPY    That's what I'm talking about.  I've got one interesting tidbit-- PAUL    Shh.  Hide! RUMPY    What? PAUL    That fellow, who just skulked in.  I know him. RUMPY    Friend of yours? PAUL    A client.  RUMPY    Hmm.  Is this a consultation? PAUL    Hold that thought.  I'll be back to get my coins' worth. SOUND    STORMS IN THROUGH REVOLVING DOOR RUMPY    [going off] I'll start you an account. ORIGINAL VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL    Nope.  [beat]  Go away.  [beat] I'm not saying anything. MUSIC ENDS IN A HUFF Scene 26.    SOUND    ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN SOUND    HEAVY STRIDES, KNOCKING ON A DOOR DONNA    [off]  Huh?  Hello? PAUL    Open up. DONNA    [dramatic gasp] Paul?  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HE PUSHES IN DONNA    What?  What's wrong with you? PAUL    It's highly unprofessional, you know. DONNA    Well, I should say so! PAUL    To just waltz in here like this-- DONNA    Ye-e-es. PAUL    And--  What? DONNA    Are you apologizing? PAUL    What?  No.  Where is he?  I saw him in the lobby-- DONNA    [gasp]  You came here because--  You thought - [gasp]! PAUL    What am I supposed to think? DONNA    I solved the case, but you're not going to like the answer. PAUL    What makes you think I won't? SOUND    WATER RUNS IN THE BATHROOM PAUL    [growls] DONNA    That's why.  Look, I was about to do the big unveil, but-- PAUL    [plaintive] Without me? DONNA    [softening] You'll understand.  Can you keep quiet? PAUL    Of course I can.  SOUND    BLOWDRYER RUNS PAUL    [growls] DONNA    Hmm? PAUL    [sheepish] O-k. SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR DONNA    That will be the prince. SOUND    FEET, DOOR OPENS Scene 27.    DONNA    Come in, your royal highness. SOUND    HESITANT FOOTSTEPS PAUL    No entourage? DONNA    Ssh.  Thank you for coming alone. PRINCE    [upset] I haven't much choice.  Alexander is nowhere to be found. PAUL    Your pal from the office? PRINCE    We've been chums since childhood.  I feel rather exposed without him along. DONNA    It must have been awkward, then, that he couldn't make it to the ball. PRINCE    It was the first he ever missed.  Too bad,  I think he'll like Cindy. DONNA    They probably have a lot in common. PAUL    [suspicious]  They do...? DONNA    You better have a seat, sire.  This is likely to get a little awkward. PRINCE    But have you found my Cindy? DONNA    Yes. PAUL    [quiet] Yes? PRINCE    Where is she? SOUND    DOOR OPENS, HEAVY FOOTSTEPS BARBARA    Right here.  Come on out, honey. SOUND    SLOW BARE FOOTSTEPS SOUND    CHAIR ALMOST TOPPLES AS PRINCE SPRINGS UP PRINCE    Darling! CINDY    [vexed] Oh, dear!  Why did you bring him here? DONNA    Hold on!  Sorry I didn't warn you, Cindy.  Sit down, your highness. PRINCE    But my darling, don't you want--? I thought we-- we clicked. PAUL    [musing quietly, gets it] Like they'd known each other for years.  [groan, gets it]  Oh. DONNA    Shh.  PRINCE    But you're the only woman I've ever loved. CINDY    And you're about to despise me. PRINCE    That could never happen. CINDY    Yes it can.  [voice lowers to Alexander, then ruefully]  I'm just lucky you're a bit nearsighted, Waldo. PRINCE    What?  Alexander? BARBARA    She prefers Cindy when she's all dolled up. CINDY    [Cindy again] I really do. PRINCE    But... is it a spell? CINDY    No.  It's just-- BARBARA    Go on, hon.  There's no going back now. CINDY    I could probably spin you a grand story about being enchanted, or cursed, but none of it is true.  Unless you count love as some kind of magic. PRINCE    Love? CINDY    I never meant it to be more than one night.  One chance to dance... with you.  But you - you just had to [wistful] go all manly and try and find me!  Barbara convinced me it's better to let you know, rather than leave you searching forever. BARBARA    Trust me, he'd eventually find some clue to who you are.  The higher the hopes, the harder the fall, and all that. CINDY    Don't worry, I've already - I mean Alexander has already - applied for a quest permit, and I plan to absent myself from court for a decade or so. PRINCE    I say - I'm the prince here.  Don't I get any say? CINDY    Yes.  [deep breath, bracing herself]  BARBARA    [comforting] I'm right here. DONNA    Me too. CINDY    Go ahead. PRINCE    I-- I suppose I never thought about you that way, Alexander. CINDY    [wilting] Of course. PRINCE    Until I saw you at the ball. CINDY    [startled, perking up a bit] Oh? PRINCE    Perhaps there is some magic.  To love. CINDY    But you don't want me.  I mean you want this-- the surface-- when underneath, I'm-- PRINCE    My best friend?  What's so wrong?  I've met far too many beautiful girls I can't stand to be near.  You do something to me. CINDY    [gasps ecstatically] [their voices fade for a bit] Scene 28.    DONNA    I wish it could work for them. PAUL    Really?  It seems an odd match.  Really odd. DONNA    What's wrong with an odd match?  Love's all that matters.  Though I do have one concern.  Babs? BARBARA    [sniffling a bit at the romantic moment]  What?  Yes?  Oh, go on - I'm all verklempt. DONNA    I get choked up too.  But, what about when they're supposed to--you know-- have kids? BARBARA    Oh that's a piece of cake.  There's always a baby in a peach pit, or I have this deal with the marsh king.  You'd be surprised how often these kinds of things happen. PRINCE    [fading back in] But how will it ever work? PAUL    [clears throat]  May I? DONNA    What?  Really? PAUL    I'm not one to stand in the way of true love.  You said Alexander applied for a quest permit - no reason he shouldn't go, disappearing from court, about the same time Prince Charming-- PRINCE    Oh, you can call me Waldo. PAUL    Thank you, your highness.  [back to the point] At the same time that Waldo meets Alexander's distant cousin Cindy, who sneaked into town to surprise him and ran into the prince instead.  DONNA    Oh, and, if you can, you should do a little bit of almost being seen together, which will take a little quick change action, but we can help with that, right Barbara? BARBARA    Quick change is practically my middle name. PAUL    Alexander can send a letter now and then, eventually rescue a damsel in distress, and settle down in a kingdom far far away.  PRINCE    There's only one thing left to do! DONNA    Oh? PRINCE    I hope you remembered to bring that shoe.  It will have to do until we can get rings... BARBARA    [choked up] I'll start planning the reception! Scene 29.    OLD VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL    So, the prince found his true love.  DONNA    Love's funny that way. PAUL    And all Alexander's-- DONNA    --Cindy's-- PAUL    --years of devotion paid off. DONNA    Waldo better appreciate all he's-- she's done. PAUL    There's just not enough pronouns-- DONNA    --Particularly since some of your friends are definitely "it"s. PAUL    Hah. Hah. DONNA    Speaking of those, how was the enchanted beasts reunion? PAUL    [down] Fine.  Every year there's less of us left - too many with their curses broken, or married with better things to do. DONNA    [hopeful]  It's in the air.  Love, I mean. PAUL    [growls, close] Yeah... [backing off] I mean, they make a cute couple... GOLDY    [exasperated] Oh, shut up and kiss her already. PAUL & DONNA    What? GOLDY    You heard me.  Think quick - I'm on double overtime just to be in this voiceover. CLOSING  

Cold Read: https://discord.gg/c3jagscRVb Deadeye Kid:  http://www.19nocturneboulevard.net/all_show_pages/deadeye%20kid/DeadeyeKidmain.htm THE NAKED TRUTH B&B Investigations returns, and this time Paul and Donna have been hired by the personal assistant to Mr. Emperor (of Emperor Pictures), himself. (For case #1, check out Cry Wolf) Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Willard  - Barry Northern (Cast Macabre) Tom - Justin Charles (1st Draft Productions) Dick - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Herbie Taylor - Glen Hallstrom Goldy Taylor - Crystal Thomson Mr. Emperor - Rish Outfield (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Sherry - Gwendolyn Jensen-Woodard (Gypsy Audio) Shop Steward - Scott Pigg Argus - J. Christopher Dunn Soda Jerk - Mike Campbell Music by Somewhere Off Jazz Street and Incompetech.com Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's private investigator's office, can't you tell?" *********************************************** THE NAKED TRUTH Cast: Olivia Paul Bette Donna Bella Captain Oftheguard Willard Goldy Taylor Herbie Taylor Tom, Dick Mr. Emperor Sherry Shop steward Argus Soda Jerk OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_EMPLOYEE SOUND    OFFICE SOUND    DOOR UNLOCKS, OPENS PAUL    Right this way, sir.  Sorry to have kept you waiting. SOUND    STEPS, DOOR WILLARD    As one of Mr. Emperor's personal assistants, I am not used to-- PAUL    Of course not.  Please, step into my office and have a seat.  I'll get you some coffee? WILLARD    Don't you have staff for that? PAUL    This is pretty much a two-person office... WILLARD    Well, where's your assistant? PAUL    She's-- SOUND    OUTER DOOR OPENS, STEPS BREEZE IN DONNA    Paul?  You're here early. WILLARD    Speak of the devil? PAUL    Hold on just one moment.  SOUND    STEPS, DOOR SHUTS PAUL    Shh.  There's a client. DONNA    Oh?  Great! PAUL    Well, I think he thinks that-- WILLARD    [behind wall, raised voice] Mr. Emperor would never put up with tardiness in his employees. DONNA    [burning] Employees? PAUL    I didn't say anything, he just assumed. DONNA    What? PAUL    Don't get worked up - you know, this is the biz, sweetheart. DONNA    What? PAUL    The client is always right.  Humor him, and we'll have a plum job - he's a personal assistant to Mr. Emperor. DONNA    [big payoff] WHA--?  [then, back to normal suddenly] Of Emperor film studios?  Ooh! WILLARD    [raised, through door] I'm still waiting for my coffee! 2_VO_FEMALE MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER PAUL    The sad fact of detective work - it's just not a job you expect to find a female in, and people have a hard time accepting that my partner in the firm of B&B Investigations - and in fact one of said B's on the door - DONNA    The smarter B. PAUL    Don't be snippy.  It's really not my fault.  DONNA    [sigh] I know.  PAUL    Is Donna Bella, my partner. DONNA    It grates that so many men just don't seem to feel like women - particulary pretty women-- PAUL    Or beauties. DONNA    Me?  Oh, silly!  They don't feel that we can be more than princesses, secretaries, sorceresses, social climbers, or damsels in distress.  Sure, some women make it to prominence for their brains, and then every pair of pants around says "wow, ain't she unusual?" and we gals suffer in silence. PAUL    [hinting] On the other hand, it makes for a good cover - flying way under the radar - to be able to watch goings-on and take notes. DONNA    [reluctant] True. PAUL    Feeling any better? DONNA    A bit.  I guess. PAUL    I probably should... talk to the client? DONNA    Go on ahead.  I'll muse a moment longer. PAUL    [careful] Would you... bring us coffee when you're done?  [quickly]  I mean, let him think that you're-- DONNA    Yeah, yeah.  I'll give you the one without. PAUL    Without what? DONNA    [dark] I have't decided yet. PAUL    [goes off, chuckling] DONNA    The only thing that makes this job bearable - apart from the whole thrill of the chase, which is fun - is my partner, Paul Bette.  Big brute that he is, he never underestimates me.  I think he regards me as a little brother in a dress, which ain't a real pretty picture - you should see his little brother.  Sometimes, I wish he did see me as a woman - in a dress - and treat me like one.  Ah, forget it. MUSIC CUTS OUT 3_CHICORY SOUND    DOOR OPENS DONNA    [way too perky] Two coffees! WILLARD    And about time. PAUL    [sigh] I explained to you about the errend I sent her on-- WILLARD    Yes, yes of course.  But-- PAUL    And this office doesn't exactly put me in Mr. Emperor's class for choice of-- WILLARD    [accepting] Ah, well. [sips, smacks lips]  Interesting flavor. PAUL    [worried] What is it? DONNA    [daggers] Chicory. WILLARD    Hmm.  Yes.  Amusing.  PAUL    Can we get down to business? DONNA    Do you need me to stay? WILLARD    Doesn't she take shorthand or something? PAUL    She does, but [overriding her] she does it out at her desk, over the intercom.  Less distracting that way. DONNA    [huffs as she leaves] SOUND    TAPS OF HER FEET, DOOR SHUTS WILLARD    [confidential] If you plan to keep that one around for... looks, you simply must find an ugly one to do the work. PAUL    Not a bad idea.  Though a bit sexist. WILLARD    I am in the film business. PAUL    Ah.  Now what is the nature of your problem? WILLARD    You are familiar with the prestigious filmography of Mr. Emperor? PAUL    Golden idols, plaques, every movie a winner.  Of course. WILLARD    [coughs delicately] Almost every movie a winner. PAUL    [knowing] Oh, yes.  But still an impressive reputation. WILLARD    And not one to be trifled with.  Unfortunately, my master also suffers from a terrible case of ...hubris. PAUL    Shouldn't he see a doctor? WILLARD    [dry] Funny.  No, it's only-- [sighs, trying to find the right word]  PAUL    Be blunt, this is all confidential. WILLARD    [resigned sigh] It's his ego.  It has simply swollen so large he can no longer see past it.  PAUL    [confused] And you want me to help with that? WILLARD    No, no, it's the consequences which disturb me.  I just don't know where to start... PAUL    The beginning is usually a good bet. WILLARD    Six months ago, a consortium of ...people found their way into Mr. Emperor's social sphere... MUSIC FOR VOICEOVER 4_VO_RODOMONTADE DONNA    Goodness, what a mouth.  He must have it embroidered on his underwear somewhere - "thou shalt not utilize a single clear and plain word when ten or a dozen fancy choices will do the trick."  I was hard put not to fall asleep right on the intercom.  And what did it all boil down to?  He suspected a couple of scam artists of lining his boss up for a sting.  But could he just cut to the point and say that?  Indubitably in the negative. PAUL    The details were interesting but not conclusive. DONNA    There were actual details in there? PAUL    Yes.  This trio had wormed their way into emperor's inner circle, and pitched him on a movie they wanted to make.  He thought it sounded like a winner, didn't run it past anyone, and didn't even stop to read the script - just trusted his instinct that they would be "the next big thing."  He set them up in a closed soundstage, and handed them a check.  Since then, they've been needing more and more money for all those ...things movies have-- DONNA    Actors, costumes, sets, props, film-- PAUL    Yeah, but there's no proof they've ever spent a dime of it.  They've made a big deal of auditioning a bunch of hopefuls-- DONNA    Mostly by letting themselves be wined and dined by all the big names.  Or worse. PAUL    And no one even knows if this movie is actually being made.  DONNA    And Mr. Emperor doesn't suspect anything? PAUL    I dunno.  Willard seemed to think his boss might be beginning to suspect something, but he's got so much invested in the damn project, he can't step away.  His whole ego and reputation - both more monumental than his wallet - are so tied up in this.  He's never had a flop before-- DONNA    Well, there was the one. PAUL    Right - he mentioned something like that.  What's the deal? DONNA    A silly little flick called Gone with the Wind - ever see it? PAUL    Nope. DONNA    Well, neither did anyone else.  Who'd ever buy a story of three pigs and a wolf anyway? MUSIC    NOT QUITE A "WAH-WAH-WAH" 5_OFTHEGUARD SOUND    MUSIC IS INTERRUPTED BY A PHONE RINGING DONNA    Should I get that, [snotty] "Mister Bette"? PAUL    Would you? DONNA    [sullen] Fine.  SOUND    PHONE SNATCHED UP DONNA    [too sultry] B&B Investigations.  How may I direct your call, to B or B? OFTHEGUARD    [on the phone] Donna?  What's got into you? DONNA    Oh, Captain Oftheguard!  [hah!]  I'm just covering the front while we decide on hiring a new secretary. PAUL    A new secretary--? DONNA    Our last one...um... won a bundle of dough in a radio contest and ran off to Barbados.  Who'd'a thunk that being able to name all the dancing princesses--  OFTHEGUARD    Cut the malarkey, Donna.  Is Bette there?  I need to speak to him. DONNA    Yes.  Of course. OFTHEGUARD    [pointed] Alone. DONNA    [to Paul] Everyone wants you today.  SOUND    SLAMS THE RECEIVER ONTO THE TABLE DONNA    I'll just go... buy some shoes or some other feminine pursuit. SOUND    SHE LEAVES - FEET, RUSTLE PAUL    Donna?  What--? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SOUND    VOICE ON THE PHONE, VERY SMALL AND DISTORTED PAUL    Damn.  [growl]  SOUND    SNATCHES UP THE PHONE PAUL    [still a growl] What? OFTHEGUARD    What brownie crawled in your shoe?  MUSIC IN DONNA    I left them to their little boy games and decided to do the one thing Paul would never think of.  Or approve of. PAUL    [distant] Huh?  What?  DONNA    See you in the movies, babe. PAUL    [getting closer] Movies?  What movies? MUSIC OUT PAUL    [echoey] Donna? OFTHEGUARD    No, it's Oftheguard.  Ain't Donna with you? PAUL    She just stormed out of here. OFTHEGUARD    That girl has a temper.  Anyway, I wanted to discuss her birthday. PAUL    Birthday?  What?  OFTHEGUARD    Didn't you know?  It's Friday night, and I was wondering what kind of arrangements you mighta made.  PAUL    Oh.  We've been really busy here--  [still wondering] Movies? OFTHEGUARD    What? PAUL    Nothing.  [back on point] Friday.  Birthday.  Arrangements.  Right. MUSIC IN 6_AUDITION DONNA    [quiet] I stood outside the studio where the fancy schmancy new movie was supposedly being filmed - a huge building out on the docks with no windows and only one door. MUSIC OUT AMB    PIER SOUND    DOORBELL BUZZER TOM    [on intercom]  Sorry!  Ain't hiring today.  Closed set. DONNA    [breathy, sexy] Oh, please!  I just came in on a bus from Punkinville, and want so badly to be in moving pictures! TOM    Step up to the peephole - there on the left.  Saaaaaay.  You're a real beaut, ain'tcha? DONNA    It has been said.  Back home in Peter Piper Iowa, I was the beauty queen! TOM    I thought you said you were from Punkinville. DONNA    [thinking madly] Oh... I-- [drops voice] Punkinville is the bad side of Peter Piper. TOM    Why don't you come on in?  [lecherous] I might be able to squeeze in a screen test. SOUND    BUZZ, DOOR OPENS DONNA    [deep breath] Thank you ever so.  [muttered] Just be careful what you're squeezing. SOUND    WALKS INTO ECHOEY SPACE 7_EXIT STAGE LEFT MUSIC IN PAUL    I had no idea where Donna had got to, after our little dustup that morning.  And I was skeptical about Oftheguard's ideas for a party.  SOUND    CAR SNEAKS IN PAUL    Seemed pretty frivolous for a captain of his standing, but he was also an old friend of Donna's.  I decided to cut right to the chase and go to the studio. SOUND    CAR BRAKES, SOUND OF PIER PAUL    Work can usually take my mind off of-- SOUND    DOOR BEING SLAMMED OPEN, BODY FALLING OUT TOM    Whoooooah!  [being tossed out] PAUL    I realized Donna had beaten me to the punch. SOUND    CAR DOOR OPENS PAUL    [gasp, startled] SOUND    DONNA GETTING IN DONNA    I don't want to talk about it. PAUL    What's in there? DONNA    I didn't get a chance to see much. PAUL    What happened? SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN SUDDENLY DONNA    I didn't want to talk about it, but he just couldn't seem to take a hint. PAUL    Got it.  Fine. DONNA    Since I hadn't seen more than ten feet into the building - MOST of that being hallway, it wouldn't do ANY good to hash it over anyway. PAUL    I've got it.  Seriously. DONNA    And all because I would not could not on a couch-- PAUL    He offered you breakfast? DONNA    Just drop it! MUSIC OUT 8_BACK TO OFFICE SOUND    MOMENT OF SILENCE, CAR STARTS PAUL    We need to find a way in. DONNA    [almost steaming again] Oh? PAUL    I'm thinking a little piecework. DONNA    [more] OH? PAUL    All it would take is a little pounding, drilling.  In and out.  Simple. DONNA    [furious] OOOOH? PAUL    [noticing her anger]  uh, do you have a problem with me doing some construction work? DONNA    Oh! PAUL    What did you think I meant? DONNA    Nothing! MUSIC IN PAUL    No, really. DONNA    I want to go back to the office.  We do have some bleach there, don't we? PAUL    [narrating]  Back at the office, the phone was ringing. SOUND    QUICK STEPS, PICK UP PHONE PAUL    Hello? WILLARD    Hello? PAUL    Yes, can I help you? WILLARD    Is there anyone there? PAUL    What? DONNA    The music! SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC OUT 9_PHONE PAUL    Right. WILLARD    Ah, I was wondering.  I have been phoning for simply ages.  Where's your assistant been? DONNA    [dark] I've been to the palace to see the queen. PAUL    [to her, covering handset] No need for that!  [back to the phone]  What did you need? DONNA    [walking away] And pussycat pussycat, what'd you do there? PAUL    [muttered aside] pattycake or not, it's dang sexy when she speaks foreign. DONNA    [almost gone, loud] I'm getting ready to kick what he puts in a chair! SOUND    DOOR SLAMS PAUL    [interested] Oooh! [back to the phone] Sorry about that.  Employee relations. WILLARD    You're not relating to her on MY time, are you? PAUL    [growling] Anything on YOUR time will turn up on an expense account, bub.  Now, what were you calling about? WILLARD    [grumbling] You still need a secretary for the real work.  [up]  Mr. Emperor has finally nailed them down on a debut - Friday night at Grimm's Chinese theater - and we have to DO something before then!  If this is another bomb, he will be ruined! PAUL    We're on it. WILLARD    as long as you're not both on it at the same time, I'll be happy.  Goodbye! PAUL    [GROWLS]  Music! MUSIC COMES IN, BUT DOOR OF OFFICE OPENS A1_GOLDY GOLDY    Hello? MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL    Uh, what? GOLDY    You're looking for a secretary. PAUL    I'm - what? GOLDY    [long suffering sigh]  Look, I don't mind working for chump change, or even schlepping for a brute like you - no offense-- PAUL    None taken. GOLDY    But I do try to work for folks who get some vocabulary.  I learned.  Had a job once taking dictation from this big black bird.  Couldn't say nothing but-- PAUL    Nevermind.  I'm just surprised.  We haven't actually advertised yet. GOLDY    Oh, sorry!  I spoke with-- [deliberately trails off] PAUL    Donna? GOLDY    Is she here? PAUL    [yes] She's in her office. GOLDY    Then no, not her.  This was a... [thinks]  ...a client. PAUL    Oh, Mr. Emperor's assistant. GOLDY    Yeah.  Him.  He suggested I come by. PAUL    Can you type? GOLDY    You bet. PAUL    Answer phones? GOLDY    I got a gold-plated ear. PAUL    [serious] Really? GOLDY    No. PAUL    Cause I knew a girl once, with-- GOLDY    Do I get the job? PAUL    I have to check with Donna first.  [up] Donna? DONNA    [from off] Still annoyed! PAUL    This might cheer you up! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE STRIDES IN DONNA    What? GOLDY    [admiring] Well, look at you. DONNA    Who's looking at me, kid? PAUL    She came here for the secretary job.  Donna Bella, this is-- uh-- GOLDY    Ms. Lox.  But you can call me Goldy. MUSIC IN PAUL    Goldy's resume looked good-- DONNA    --and freshly typed-- PAUL    So we left her in charge and went looking for a way into the soundstage. GOLDY    Is that the Emperor pictures soundstage you were talking about? PAUL    Hey, this is a voiceover, not a party line. GOLDY    Hmph.  Coulda fooled me. PAUL    Lets take a drive.  Get some privacy.  DONNA    [romantic] Really Paul?      It's so sudden. MUSIC CUTS OUT SUDDENLY A2_PRIVATE CAR SOUND    CAR TURNS ON PAUL    That's exactly what I'm worried about. DONNA    Huh? PAUL    The way she showed up.  Very sudden. DONNA    Oh.  Did you lock up the petty cash? PAUL    Doll, our cash is so petty it ain't worth it. DONNA    [chuckles] So why do you think she popped up just now?  With a freshly minted resume? PAUL    I'm thinking someone's caught onto that valet's worry, and wants to keep tabs on us. DONNA    The potential swindlers? PAUL    We'll see.  MUSIC IN PAUL    [muttered]  Follow my lead.  [up]  Since the front door approach had been nixed, I figured on checking out the loading docks. DONNA    Ah!  Drop me at the union hall, wouldja? PAUL    Donna had a promising line of inquiry.  [side of mouth, teasing] Voice over... DONNA    I figured if there was anything coming in and going out - apart from money, there'd be someone at the local 509 who kept an eye on it. PAUL    Can't do anything in the film industry without teamsters. DONNA    [back at him] Voice over.... [whispered] I'll take the voiceover in 15 minutes.  When you're done, you mention a llama. PAUL    [whispered] Beast or priest? DONNA    [whispered] Either way. PAUL    Dropping her off, I went on down to the docks, figuring on asking around, finding out who catered the shop.  Bye, sweets. DONNA    [blows a kiss]  See ya!  SOUND     CAR DOOR SLAMS PAUL    Smart as a whip.  [musing] That's just one of those things you say, but when you really think about it, how smart IS a whip?  And who would ever ask to be "whipped"? SOUND    DRIVING AGAIN PAUL    I found a parking space down at the end of the marina, out of sight, but close enough in case someone decided to take a run-out powder. DONNA    Speaking of powder, I decided to stop in at a Rex druggist for a new compact and a bite to eat. MUSIC OUT A3_SODA JERK DONNA    Bet you get a lot of movie folks in here. JERK    [squeaking] Here?  [clears his throat]  Here?  I mean, not so's you'd notice, why? DONNA    Aren't they making a film down on the pier, there? JERK    Are they?  I haven't heard anything.  Who's in it? DONNA    I was hoping you'd know. JERK    No, but I know who to ask. DONNA    Oh?  Who? JERK    There's this old guy comes in here a lot.  Big nose.  He seems to know everyone.  Baron, Baron--- DONNA    Munchausen?  Hah!  Oops, is that the time?  I was supposed to meet the local shop steward. MUSIC IN DONNA    There's two ways to deal with teamsters.  Hire them and pay them a good wage, or don't hire them and pay them anyway.  That was what all the hullabaloo was about the sorcerer's apprentice - making brooms that can tote water is the worst kind of scab labor. Of course, there are exceptions, and I found out this was one of those. MUSIC OUT A4_TEAMSTERS STEWARD    Foreign soil. DONNA    What? STEWARD    That pier.  Used to be the embassy for Atlantis. DONNA    But Atlantis sank. STEWARD    Yeah, but that pier is still foreign soil.  Any work done there is subject to the local laws.  Of Atlantis. DONNA    But what about things going in and out?  Surely you must be handling deliveries? STEWARD    We would have to.  But there ain't none.  None at all, and we've been keeping our sharpest eye on them.  [up] Argus? ARGUS    Yeah, boss? DONNA    Wow.  I'd hate to be your optometrist. ARGUS    Guess I'm lucky I got 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 20-- DONNA     I got it. ARGUS    --vision, eh? DONNA    Yeah.  So, you haven't seen ANYone coming or going? ARGUS    Didn't say that - a couple guys are in and out.  Just not goods or anything that we'd have to handle. DONNA    But the film crew-- ARGUS    What film crew?  It's just these three guys.  No one else. STEWARD    So the crew must be living in there, too.  Which would be a housing board violation, except... DONNA    Foreign soil.  Right.  Thanks for the   help, guys.  Oops - I'm running a bit late.  Come on! SOUND    SNAP FINGERS MUSIC IN DONNA    I wonder when my new music will arrive.  [sigh, up]  It was a mystery all right.  Somehow they had a set with no setup, a cast with no costumes, and a crew with no shore leave.  Far as anyone might know, it could be a big empty building - empty except for the oodles of gold Emperor was pouring into it.  And if there was truly nothing - how to save the studio, avoid embarrassment, and catch the crooks, all at once.  It was about time to grab those three guys and set them adrift in a leaky tub. PAUL    Lama. DONNA    Just like that? PAUL    Yup. Can you get back to the office on your own? DONNA    Ain't a hackie I can't handle. PAUL    Meet you there.  I'll take this for a while. DONNA    Oh, right-- PAUL AND DONNA    [unison, teasing] Voice-over.  [both laugh] PAUL    I had found something - something very interesting - out back of the warehouse, and was bringing it back to the office to examine it more closely.  Too bad it was a little hard to fit into the car.  That was reason enough to get Donna to find her own way home. DONNA    Like a little lamb, dragging my tail behind me? PAUL    Only you could make pattycake sound sexy. DONNA    You should see what I can do with [very sexy] Pease porridge HOT. PAUL    [interested growl] Save it!  Rowr! DONNA    Can we get to the office, already? PAUL    Sounds good. MUSIC OUT A5_HERBIE SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE WALKS IN GOLDY    Welcome to B&B Investigations.  Can I-- Oh!  [shrug]  Ehh.  Good practice, I suppose. DONNA    [stunned]  What... happened? GOLDY    Whaddaya mean? DONNA    It's so... clean.  You didn't have a horde of magic forest animals in here, did you? SOUND    DOOR OPENS GOLDY    [hurried] Uh, no.  I just didn't have a lot to do.  [uneasy] I ain't real fond of forests.  Or animals. PAUL    Ahem. GOLDY    Present company excluded. PAUL    Good. SOUND    HE WALKS IN, STRUGGLING MAN WITH HIM HERBIE    Mrph.  Urk. [struggling noises, bag on head] GOLDY    But I draw the line at kidnapping!  What did you do to that poor mug?  PAUL    I put a bag on his head. HERBIE    [muffled] Goldy? GOLDY    [cussing] Oh, Porridge! DONNA    Oh, no, you're not going anywhere, sweetheart. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, LOCKS GOLDY    You lemme go, or I swear I'll break a chair - on your pretty little auburn head! SOUND    BAG OFF OF HEAD HERBIE    Goldy!  What's all this about, my little housebreaker? DONNA    Whoever you are, you're not alone, and you're embarrassing Ms. Lox. GOLDY    Thank you.  HERBIE    Ms. Lox?  Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe.  Since then, she's been my wife, Goldy Tailor! DONNA    I thought I recognized you.  Aren't you that guy who--? GOLDY     Oh, don't bring it up.  Please! HERBIE    What's wrong with a man taking credit for his past achievements?  So I took out 7 in one blow. GOLDY    Yeah, twenty years ago, maybe.  And they were flies.  This is his big achievement. HERBIE    Honey.  Sweetie.  Who're these folks anyway? PAUL    We're the private investigators who've been hired to find out what's really going on with that "movie" you're filming HERBIE    [suddenly serious] Oh.  That. MUSIC IN DONNA    For all their bickering, I was jealous.  They'd been married for twenty years, and I could see what she really felt by the way she looked at him.  PAUL    That and the fact that he clearly didn't put her up to sneaking in and spying on the spies. GOLDY    You know I can hear you? DONNA    We are definitely going to have to do something about that. MUSIC OUT HERBIE    It started out as a little con job.  Or that's what they told me.  I came in late in the game. GOLDY    Yeah, you're innocent as a baby fresh from a cabbage patch.  And about as smart.  A pair of grifters like that-- HERBIE    They got me in because I know the garment trade, and they needed someone to handle the costumes. DONNA    But there... aren't any costumes? HERBIE    Yeah, that's the funny part.  They mostly needed someone who could write a convincing invoice for the things they weren't buying. GOLDY    I hope you got some decent pay for this. PAUL    You're really better off not discussing THAT in front of witnesses. HERBIE    At first, I thought it was just a joke, and then, suddenly... before I even knew it, I was in it right up to my cummerbund.  GOLDY    And none of this is admissible in court!  I clerked for enough lawyers in my day.  I know all about hearsay. PAUL    Tell us everything you know, Mr. Lox-- HERBIE    Tailor.  Herbie Tailor.  You can call me Herbie. PAUL    Herbie, and we'll do our best to keep your name out of it. HERBIE    Like I said, it's all a scam.  More shell companies than a town full of mermaids.  Constant demands for money - and all to make this movie they say will be over the heads of everyone in the audience.  PAUL    But why? HERBIE    I guess this producer wants to rise above the crowd-pleasing musicals and talking animal flicks he usually churns out-- GOLDY    Apart from that one-- HERBIE    Oh, yeah, that.  Anyway, he wants to do something all intellectual and deep - like a foreign film.  Make a new name for himself. PAUL    Just hoping that name won't be ... um...  [prompting] something bad. HERBIE    Aschenputtel? DONNA    Maleficent? PAUL    Shh!  That one's copyrighted. DONNA    Oh. GOLDY    Just say his name would be mud and move on. HERBIE    Look, if I'm gone for much longer, they're gonna get suspicious.  PAUL    Can you try and find out one thing?  If we agree to help keep you out of the hands of the guard? HERBIE    I dunno.  I don't want to-- GOLDY    [warning] Herbie!? HERBIE    Yeah, all right.  Whatever you want. PAUL    I want to know what they're planning to do.  There has to be something in it for them, or they'd'a cut and run long back. HERBIE    Yeah. I guess. DONNA    True - with the premiere coming up, they must have one last big payoff in mind. PAUL    Why don't you two get outta here? GOLDY    Me, too? PAUL    Sorry, but until this is finished, you're just gonna be in the way. DONNA    And stay out of our voiceovers! MUSIC IN DONNA    It was a pity, really.  Goldy had done a bang up job of cleaning the office. PAUL    Is that what happened?  DONNA    Yup.  But until the case was cleared, there was no way we could let her stick around.  Maybe after the gala on Friday-- MUSIC OUT A6_FRIDAY PAUL    Friday!  Holy cow! DONNA    Whazzat?  PAUL    Nothing.  I need to give Willard a call.  See if there's any new payments going down the line. DONNA    Why don't you let me handle that?  Isn't that what assistants are for? PAUL    We don't get paid if you hurt him. DONNA    Over the phone?  I'll be very nice. PAUL    You go on ahead, then.  I have a few other loose ends to tie up. DONNA    Like? PAUL    Nothing I can't handle.  You go on. DONNA    [suspicious] Riiiight.  I'm out. MUSIC IN PAUL    [long sigh]  I was going to have to call Oftheguard and let him know we were otherwise engaged this Friday.  I hoped he hadn't done much in the way of planning.  But I knew Donna wouldn't want to let anything get in the way of finishing a case.  I was even thinking he might be handy to have around when-- SOUND    PHONE RINGS PAUL    [checking if she's around] Donna?  Oh well.  Music? MUSIC OUT A7_WHISPERS SOUND     PHONE PICKED UP PAUL    Hello? HERBIE    [whispered] I got it. PAUL    Got what? HERBIE    What they're up to.  They plan to claim the film's been stolen, and cash in on the insurance.  Maybe even ask a ransom. PAUL    So - last minute, no film, and they're in the clear? HERBIE    Gotta go. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP DONNA    Guess it's time to report to the client. PAUL    [surprised] Yah!  Didn't you leave? DONNA    Couldn't think of anything interesting to do.  SOUND    PHONE DIALING MUSIC IN DONNA    Sometimes, the P.I. biz is just a lot of waiting, false starts, and standing around in the rain.  MUSIC OUT A8_REPORT PAUL    Or giving bad news. WILLARD    [on phone] What bad news? MUSIC IN PAUL    I gave him the run-down, and he took it pretty well. MUSIC OUT WILLARD    [screaming] NooO!  You simply MUST do something! DONNA    [off] I could get him some more chicory! PAUL    We were hired to get info, not to-- WILLARD    Then I'm hiring you again!  Money is no object, as long as you save Mr. Emperor's reputation! PAUL    I guess we need to find someone who can make you a movie. SOUND    PHONE HANGS UP DONNA    In two days?  [idea] I'll handle that.  Why don't you figure out what to do with the crooks when we get them? PAUL    But-- DONNA    Then we can skip ahead to the denouement! PAUL    But-- DONNA    This should be fun! A9_EMPEROR SOUND    DOOR SHUTS PAUL    [weakly, disbelieving] In two days?  [sigh]  Well, they can't expect miracles... MUSIC IN PAUL    Oh, all right.  The night of the big show arrived.  The theater was full of all those glittering people who appear out of nowhere every time a red carpet unrolls.  Crowned heads and nouveau riche, stars and those who just had stars in their eyes.  I was with Mr. Emperor only moments before the curtain was to go up. EMPEROR     [emperor only speaks in bellows] [on phone] What are you talking about?  The canisters were just delivered! TOM    [On phone]  They what? EMPEROR    They're being set up this minute - you could have given them some more time, you know. TOM    But, the ransom call just came in! EMPEROR    Must be a hoax.  Come on down and enjoy the show. TOM    I don't-- PAUL    They really should be here to take their share of the credit. EMPEROR    The car should be there about now. SOUND    RECEIVER SLAMMED DOWN EMPEROR    You can go now.  The projector staff have the cans well in hand. PAUL    I'm supposed to stay and keep an eye on them after the debut also. WILLARD    I'll find him a seat somewhere.  EMPEROR    Fine, fine.  See you after the show. SOUND    DOOR SLAM PAUL    Is he angry? WILLARD    No, why? PAUL    Nothing. WILLARD    What if the film is bad? What do we do? PAUL    Plan b is set the projector room on fire after the first reel. WILLARD    Really? PAUL    No!  But what you need to do is go out there and give the film a big buildup.  Make a point that it's very highbrow and intellectual and that only the most perceptive people will understand and appreciate it.  You know the kind of thing - butter up the audience with one hand, threaten them with the other. WILLARD    I work for producers, of course I know. PAUL    Go for it. B1_FINALE MUSIC IN DONNA    The movie had a bit of a rough start, but once the people got used to the pace, they seemed to get into it.  Since there were no kids in the audience to get restless and start saying obnoxious things, it seemed to go over pretty well. PAUL    I made a point of being in the hallway outside emperor's box, and when the culprits tried to slink away at the last minute... MUSIC OUT PAUL    Where do you think you're going? TOM    uh... concessions.  Need more popcorn. DICK    Me too. PAUL    Movie's nearly over.  Don't you want to take your bows? DICK    But it ain't our-- TOM    Stifle!  He meant it ain't our style to be in the public eye, you see.  C'mon-- DONNA    Not so fast. DICK    A big guy and a pair of dames?  Don't make me laugh. PAUL    I wouldn't-- TOM    Oh, jeez!  It's her!  [muttered to dick] We'd have a better chance with the brute. DICK    Really? TOM    [up] What do youse guys want? DONNA     We want to avoid any unpleasantness for Mr. Emperor, so your job is to go out there and take your bows, and introduce your writer-director, Sherry here. SHERRY    Hi! DONNA    She's real good with a story, and saved everyone's butts. SHERRY    You wanted avant garde - and I was dying to try something new. PAUL     I still can't believe you finished it in two days. SHERRY    I had a good subject to work with. TOM    But what're we supposed to do after tonight? DONNA    I suggest take some filmmaking lessons - if this is a success, you're going to have half the studios around looking to hire you, and most are a bit more picky than Mr. Emperor. PAUL    Don't worry - you can always go into seclusion, after completion of your masterwork. SHERRY    Just as long as I get my credit - and since I mastered the final titles, I DO [laughs]. I'll get any work I want after this.  Picture it - "A Scherezade production" in big lights!  I'll keep 'em coming back, night after night. MUSIC IN B2_BIRTHDAY DONNA    And it went over with a bang - primed as they were, no one was willing to admit that the film "wooden you" - a more or less still shot of one guy's face as he answers a series of more and more odd and uncomfortable questions - was strange or incomprehensible, or even dull. PAUL    There was even a certain hush in the theater from time to time - waiting to see if his response would be a lie. DONNA    How she talked Pinocchio into it, we'll never know.  On the other hand, if there's one thing Sherry's good at, it's getting folks to listen to her. PAUL    Sorry to miss your birthday by the way. DONNA    Eek! PAUL    I said I was sorry! DONNA    [warning] Voice over! PAUL    We were just getting back to the office, when-- MUSIC OUT DONNA    ixnay on the irthday-bay. PAUL    I- what? DONNA    I was hoping everyone forgot. PAUL    Oh.  Sorry, then, for that. SOUND    KEY IN LOCK, DOOR OPENS, A COUPLE OF STEPS CROWD    Surprise! PAUL    I didn't - what the - not my fault! DONNA    What? OFTHEGUARD    Didn't mean to startle you - your secretary let us in. DONNA    What? GOLDY    Sorry boss.  Bosses.  Who can say no to such a face? PAUL AND DONNA    Bosses? GOLDY    Try getting rid of me.  Besides, I make a mean cuppa joe! CLOSING

CRY WOLF (B&B Investigations, Case 1) In a world part 1940s film noir and part Grimms, B&B Investigations are hired to clear the name of one "Mr. Wolf", who was allegedly killed after devouring a grandmother...  Written and produced by Julie Hoverson   Cast List Paul Bette - Joel Harvey Donna Bella - Julie Hoverson Captain Oftheguard - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Wolf - Rhys TM Rumplestiltskin - Philemon Vanderbeck Red - Julia Carson Little Boy Blue - Beverly Poole Portia - Chandra Wade Prince - Mr. Synyster Additional Voices - Cole Hornaday Music:  Buz Hendricks, Somewhere Off Jazz Street (via Jamendo) 19 Nocturne Main Theme:  Kevin McLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover design:  Front: Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it?  Why it's a private detective's office, can't you tell?" ************************************************ CRY WOLF Cast: Olivia (opening credits) Donna Bella - slumming society dame Paul Bett - roughneck P.I. Mrs. Wolf - distraught widow Red - hot tamale and damsel in dis dress Captain Oftheguard - police investigator Boy Blue - patticake ragamuffin Winky, Blinky, Noddy - sewing Crones Rumpy Stiltskin - snitch Portia - Lawyer from across the pond Prince Officer Sees-Real-Far ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard. CABBIE    Nocturne Boulevard?  Not far.  When you hit Howard, hang a right.  Howard meets Phillip at a weird kind of angle, then you cross James and Poe.  You can't miss Nocturne - it's just past the automat. ANNOUNCER    19 Nocturne Boulevard, your address for suspenseful stories of the speculative, strange, and supernatural.  Tonight's story is called Wolf's Clothing SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR.  DOOR OPENS. OLIVIA    [sultry voice]  Yes.  This is 19 Nocturne Boulevard, won't you step inside? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS OLIVIA    Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private detective's office, can't you tell? MUSIC    SULTRY NOIR SAX MRS. WOLF    I know he was a beast-- PAUL    Hey! MRS. WOLF    But he was mine.  And now he's dead. DONNA    Seems like a cut and dried case, Mrs. Wolf.  What exactly do you want us to do? MRS. WOLF    They're saying my dear sweet husband Loopy killed this old lady and was taken down by a "good Samaritan" before he could escape.  But he would never do anything like that! VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS DONNA    [voiceover]  We'd seen it all before.  But that's what you get in P-I work - more of denial than Egypt in flood season, and more grief than happily ever afters.  Lives are like mirrors - once they're shattered, they can never be quite put back together. PAUL    [voiceover] Mrs. Wolf was a typical criminal's window.  Never willing to admit that the dead beloved might have actually been a predator-- DONNA    [voiceover]  Hey!  This is my voiceover. PAUL    [voiceover]  You said we were going to start splitting them.  And you kept top billing. DONNA    [voiceover]  That's my Paul.  Paul Bette.  Despite his excruciatingly gruff and intimidating exterior, he always has to be the logical one. PAUL    [voiceover]  And that's my Donna.  Donna Bella.  She's a lot more than just a pretty face.  VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS TO FADE OUT DONNA    [voiceover]  I am right here. PAUL    [voiceover]  Hmph.  Maybe you'll learn something.  Is it my turn now? DONNA    [voiceover]  Nah, let's cut back to the scene. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS MRS. WOLF    It's like you're not even listening to me!  DONNA    Sorry.  So your husband was killed in the commission of a crime-- PAUL    Alleged crime.  Alleged commission. MRS. WOLF    Loopy would never do that!  He's always been a good husband and father-- DONNA    Forgive me for asking, Mrs. Wolf, but has he been known to, well, hunt in other pastures? PAUL    That was surprisingly tactful. DONNA    Thank you. MRS. WOLF    You're asking if he ever ran around on me? DONNA    You know, a little howl at the moon?  A little lamb on the side? MRS. WOLF    Well Loopy was no saint-- PAUL    It will help us help you. MRS. WOLF    [Sobs, then grudgingly] Yes. I always knew he was a bit of a dog, but I loved him.  And there were always the cubs to consider. DONNA    Let's get down to the teeth of the matter.  What exactly do you want us to do?  Your husband's killer is no secret - in fact he's all over the papers as a big hero.  "Simple woodcutter saves young girl from fate of devoured gramma."  Story on page 7. MRS. WOLF    It's the insurance.  They're refusing to pay out since he died while committing a crime.  I wouldn't ask if it was just for me, but our pack - well, we'll hardly be able to hold our muzzles up in public. VOICEOVER MUSIC BEGINS     PAUSE DONNA    [voiceover] ... OK, you go. PAUL    [voiceover]  Thank you.  The case was the biggest thing to hit the hot sheets since the disappearance of debutante White last year.  Nothing sparks the interest like someone getting devoured. DONNA    [voiceover] ...And a little heavily implied sex.  The facts were pretty cut and dried.  Red reached gramma's cottage at 10 p.m., only to find the door unlocked and most of the light bulbs unscrewed.  A voice from the bedroom called out for her to come in. VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS OUT PAUL    We should check and see if Mr. Wolf was known for voice impersonations. DONNA    Noted.  So-- PAUL    [cutting her off] So Red went in to deliver gramma's goodies-- DONNA    [upping the ante] --and didn't realize at first that the person tucked up in bed was not her dear sweet gran-- PAUL    [stealing the punchline, almost breathless] --but a bloodthirsty wolf, dressed in the clothes of the little old lady he had devoured just moments earlier. DONNA    [sigh]  Why didn't she notice?  We need to check on Red's eyesight.  Seems fishy to me.  Could she have been expecting something? PAUL    I've heard some interesting things about Red.  Maybe I should tackle her alone. DONNA    Me too - [catty] I've heard that if her riding hood was a car, it would come with a rumble seat and a convertible roof.  PAUL    [wolfish] They do say she likes to run around with the top down. DONNA    [sweetly]  Well, you go on ahead.  I'll stop in on the Captain and see if I can wiggle loose a copy of the official report. PAUL    Nothing doing!  I know just what kind of wiggling you-- [cut off by music] VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    [voiceover, very satisfied]  So we paid a little call on Red.  Together. PAUL    [voiceover]  Hey!  Let me finish. DONNA    [voiceover]  Tell me on the way. SOUND    CAR DOORS.  CAR DRIVES OFF  CAR ENGINE UNDER PAUL    Bella? DONNA    [romantic-ish] Yes, Paul? PAUL    [musing] What would you do if you walked into, say, my bedroom... DONNA    Oh, Paul? PAUL    [not noticing] And crept up to the burly figure tucked up in bed.... DONNA    [giggles]  Um-hum? PAUL    [still oblivious] and when you got close enough to get a good look, you see-- DONNA    [sultry] What would I see, Paul? PAUL    --A wolf in a nightcap? DONNA    What?  I mean, you're a bit shaggy around the edges, but-- PAUL    Huh?  I was thinking of Red.  What were ... you...? DONNA    [snappish] Teasing.  You're right.  Even if she had to get close before noticing, there's too much chance she'll spot the switch.  That's quite a risk he took. PAUL    Why are you so flushed?  Are you OK? DONNA    Huh?  [covering badly]  Thrill of the chase.  Are we there yet? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    [whispering]  I think he's - yep - he's gone.  Well, as you might have noticed, my big lug of a partner doesn't seem to know I'm alive - except as a sidekick and a sleuth.  I've heard of girls who want to be loved for their minds, but everything from my neck down was getting lonely.  So I --- Oops, here he--  [clears throat] When we got to Red's address-- PAUL    Did I miss anything? DONNA    Nope!  --the windows of the bungalow were dark and a FOR SALE sign sat in the yard. PAUL    What's ... wrong? DONNA    [snap] Nothing. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS SOUND    OUTDOOR NOISES PAUL    No, really. DONNA    Well, there is one thing... [beat]  Why would she sell her house right after her brush with death? PAUL    Bad memories? DONNA    But that would be Gramma's house, wouldn't it? PAUL    So where's Red? CAPTAIN    [off, coming on]  She's staying at the Perrault Hilton - makes it easier to avoid the press. DONNA    [all sweetness, not fake] Captain Oftheguard, what are you doing here? PAUL    [growls] CAPTAIN    I could ask you the same thing.  What's the deal?  This is hardly the most interesting case in town, seeing as we've already got everything handled - one dead killer, one live hero-- PAUL    And one red hot media bombshell.  Getting any good press lately? DONNA    Ssh!  We've been asked to look into a couple things.  You know how insurance companies are.  CAPTAIN    [warning] Look, this case is wrapped up tighter than a ballgown in a walnut, and the last thing I need is you two poking your noses into it and messing it up.  I don't want to see you anywhere near this case, you hear?  I've got a glass mountain just waiting for the first one to get in my way. PAUL    Oh yeah? DONNA    Shh. Bruce-- CAPTAIN    [softening, but stern] Don't Bruce me, Donna.  Why a nice girl like you wants to be a private eye is beyond me.  Call me when you want to go legit. PAUL    [growls] CAPTAIN    Take it up with the king, pal. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOMP AWAY DONNA    Why can't you be civil? PAUL    I don't like him.  He treats you like you should be locked in a tower. DONNA    Tsch.  He just-- BOY BLUE    Pardon me, good miss, good sir, have you seen a mangy cur? PAUL    Pfui.  Get away. DONNA    No need to-- PAUL    I hate patticakes. DONNA    If not for them, who'd do all the scut work? Cartoon mice?  Paul, why don't you run along and see if you can talk to Red?  I'll catch a cab late - it's Bee night anyway. PAUL    But--? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    I have to explain the patticakes, dear.  You'll have plenty of time to get across town. PAUL    [muttering, going off] They come in here, take all the jobs... DONNA    You may have noticed a certain theme to our world.  Well, the patticakes hail from a completely different land. PAUL    [off, yelling]  They don't even speak good English! DONNA    [sigh]  They're stuck in the past, and limited in their abilities, but they do just fine at menial labor, so they get hired under the table by people too cheap or too broke to find someone local.  Luckily, when I was a kid, my nanny was an old woman who lived in a shoe, so I knew the lingo. VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS PAUL    [yelling, off] And they do stupid things like jump over candle-sticks--  DONNA    [yelling back] It's over! PAUL    [off, not yelling]  Oh. DONNA    [sigh]  Right.  Hmm...  [thinking noises] question - no that's a hard one, little boy blue... wait, no... I've got it!  [to boy]      I've seen no dog, my boy in blue, but I have something to ask you. BOY BLUE    Lovely Lady, kind and fair I'll answer anything I dare! DONNA    Just a moment.  [thinking again, then]      I need to know about Miss Red Or about the wolf that's dead BOY BLUE    The wolf is dead? Oh lackaday! He had me watch his car for pay. DONNA    You mean the wolf came here?  What-- oh! [thinking hard, trying to rhyme]  BOY BLUE    I see the sinking of the sun My mother worries - I must run! SOUND    FOOTSTEPS RUN OFF DONNA    Damn!  But why would Mr. Wolf have come here?  If Red knew him-- VOICEOVER MUSIC CUTS HER OFF DONNA    What? PAUL    I need to muse.  Take a break. DONNA    Are you spying on me? PAUL    [genuinely shocked] No!  I wouldn't-- DONNA    Good.  PAUL    [clears throat] I figured this was as good a time as any to tap my underworld contacts, see if there was any connection between red and the wolf-- DONNA    Don't you dare!  That's my clue! PAUL    Now who's spying? DONNA    I'll go away, but only if you don't follow my clue. PAUL    [growl]  Oh, Done. DONNA    Fine. PAUL    [loudly] Then I decided to tap my underworld contacts to see if the woodcutter had any prior grudge against the wolf-- DONNA    [off] That's better! PAUL    And I figured after that, I could swing by ...Captain ...Oftheguard's... office--  [quietly] Donna?  [waits]  Whew.  [chuckles, then fondly]  She's a real salamander when she gets started.  Look, don't tell her this, [listens again for a second] but, I feel like such a - well, a beast - when I see her and Oftheguard together.  He's an old friend of the family - when her father the big time importer had a few bad business breaks, he helped them keep the wolf from the door, and I always figured it was to get close to her, since her sisters are no prize.  That's how Donna ended up coming to work for me.  Times were tough.  [putting a brave face on it] Now that her father's back in the shipping fast lane, I figure it's just a matter of time before she gets bored with keeping company with a roughneck like me and goes back to her high society friends.  PAUL    [breaking a little]  I don't know how I'll get by without her, but there's no way a gorgeous dame like her could ever be interested in a big hairy brute like yours truly.  And what could I say?  Every time I try and come up with something romantic, all I think of is "will you marry me?" which is bound to be slapped down.  So I make light and pretend I don't see her lovely eyes and shiny red hair... [sigh that's almost a growl]  DONNA    I'm back - miss me? PAUL    I, no, I-- [going off] have to meet a guy. DONNA    I'll never understand him.  [beat]  What?  Oh, fine - [sigh] I got to the bee.  [beat] Why isn't the music ending?  I've arrived.  [beat]  Tsk.  [exasperated sigh]  Grand balls may be the obvious social events of high society, but the sewing bees are the true heart of the old dame's network.  We get together to spin and weave and sew ... and dish.  [calling off]  Good enough? VOICEOVER MUSIC ENDS ABRUPTLY DONNA    [sarcastic]  Thanks.  SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR WINKY    [muffled] Come in! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS  DONNA    Hey, ladies!  Winky, nice glasses.  Blinky, how's the gout?  Nod - What happened to your hunch? NODDY    [sounding like Marty Feldman] What hunch? DONNA    Huh?  Nevermind.  I brought Pies! THE LADIES    [noises of happy excitement] WINKY    Is this that Pieman friend of yours? DONNA    Might be.  [chuckles]  Never hurts to have pals in low places.  Hey, Tilda's not here?  Did she finally finish those shirts for her seven brothers? BLINKY    All but one sleeve, can you believe it?  No one ever understand how long these things take.  DONNA    I'd'a thought she be here chatting up a storm, just about now. NODDY    She's on her honeymoon, the wench! PAUL    [off, calling]  Enough of this Lifetime moment.  Can I have the narrative for a while?  There's actually something happening over here. DONNA    [loud whisper] Oh, all right, but - where's the-- VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS HASTILY DONNA and PAUL    Thank you! PAUL    May I? DONNA    [fondly] Brute.  [long sexy sigh, then fading away]  Very well.  PAUL    [lustful growl, then shakes himself out of it]  That woman.  Where was I?  Right.  My best contact, Rumpy - that little weasel - was just coming out of his basement for the night as I rolled up. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES SOUND    STREET NOISES, FOOTSTEPS PAUL    Hey Rump.  Any straw to gold today? RUMPY    [surprised]  Oh!  Oh, it's you, Bett.  Whadja want? PAUL    Come on old pal!  Can't a guy just look you up for old times sake? RUMPY    You know, and I know, we got no old times, me old son.  Show me the money.  Unless you have, uh, something a bit more round and pink handy? PAUL    No babes today, Rump.  You're old enough, you wouldn't know what to do with one if you did get one.  Right, then.  I want the skinny on the Wolf massacre. RUMPY    Wolf?  I don't seem to recall-- SOUND    CLINK OF HEAVY COINS PAUL    This refresh your memory?  RUMPY    Oh, you mean the Red Riding Hood rescue.  PAUL    I want to know more about the wolf, and I heard you two sometimes ended up at the same watering holes.  What kind of guy was he? RUMPY    [losing the sly undertones]  Truly, I never would have pegged him as a grammavore.  Never saw him touch anything harder than lamb kebobs, if you get my drift.   PAUL    No steak tartare?  No little pigs? RUMPY    Truly, Bett, on my mother's grave.  He was a bit secretive the last few days, though, leering and preening and hinting he had a new lady friend.  Said something about her being real hot stuff.  PAUL    Red hot? RUMPY    [cagey again] Yes... he might have said something like that.  But he did say one thing solid, that I almost recall... SOUND    CLINK OF MORE COINS RUMPY     Ah, yes, it all comes back to me.  He mentioned how she was, um, a bit experimental, in the...  boudoir, so to speak. PAUL    Kinky? RUMPY    To put a bald face on it, yes.  He said she liked him to 'dress up'. VOICEOVER MUSIC DONNA    [after a pause] What, no snappy wrap up? PAUL    Frankly, I'm a little creeped out. DONNA    Oh, all right, let's meet up outside the office. PAUL    Yeah, good. VOICEOVER MUSIC FADES AMBIANCE    STREET NOISES SOUND    HORSE GOES BY QUICKLY, THEN SUDDENLY HOOFBEATS STOP DONNA    [yelling off] Hey!  Just because that thing can fly doesn't mean there isn't a scoop law! PAUL    [very tired]  Morning. DONNA    What happened to you?  Phew - you smell like an elvish cobbler shop. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON SIDEWALK, THEY AMBLE OFF TO WORK PAUL    I was tapping rumpy.  [flustered] I mean , I was getting the low-down from my contacts. DONNA    Stiltskin's about as low down as they get... PAUL    You get anything at the Bee? DONNA    Not much.  Neither one sees to have run in our circles.  Seems Gramma didn't get out much, and Red moves in - well, much FASTER circles... PAUL    I see. DONNA    One thing, though.  Rapunzel showed up for a bit - she's legal counsel for the highway board, you know? - and said that SHE'd heard of Gramma‑‑ PRINCE    Halt there!  PAUL    What?  It's too early for-- PRINCE    Unhand that fair maiden! PAUL    Who, her? DONNA    What? PRINCE    Don't worry - I am here to save you!  Take heart, dear lady!  PAUL    Um, fellow-- DONNA    [ramping up] What? PRINCE    This foul beast cannot harm you ever again!  Rescue is at hand! PAUL    Look out, he's gotta sword! PRINCE    Have at!  Hah! DONNA    WHAT! MUSIC STING CAPTAIN    I am disappointed in you.  That poor, poor prince-- PAUL    [muttered] He started it. CAPTAIN     Brawling on the street like a couple of - drunken...  um... drunkards. DONNA    He must be annoyed, he's dropping his similes. CAPTAIN    Shut up!  You'll be lucky if he doesn't press charges!  I'm still trying to decide if I should toss you in a dungeon. DONNA    Huh?  I didn't even break his nose until he brought up Stockholm Syndrome. PAUL    She was very understated. DONNA    Thank you. CAPTAIN    I don't CARE!  I won't have it in my town! PAUL    Look, if it will get him to forgo filing a complaint, tell him he can tell everyone it was me that done him over.  Much less embarrassing to the folks back home. CAPTAIN    [sigh, resigned] Fine.  Get outta here.  I know where to find you. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE, FOOTSTEPS, THEN STEPS PAUSE PAUL    One thing, Captain - was there an autopsy on Mr. Wolf? CAPTAIN    Autopsy?  Why would we do that?  It was obvious how he died! PAUL    I was more interested in his stomach contents... CAPTAIN     Besides, after the woodcutter got through with him, there wasn't much cutting left to --  stomach contents? PAUL    Just curious.  We'll get out of your way. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SHUTS DONNA    Think he'll go for it? PAUL    fifty-fifty. DONNA    Is that a bet? VOICEOVER MUSIC PAUL    We decided to speak with the only killer we were sure of - even if he was the hero of the day.  The woodcutter had been mighty quiet.... END VOICEOVER DONNA    That was short and sweet. PAUL    I'm still hung over. DONNA    This is the place. SOUND    KNOCKING ON A DOOR, PAUSE THEN KNOCKING AGAIN PAUL    Uh-oh. DONNA    What? PAUL    In the window. DONNA    [gasp!]  Is he--? PAUL    Well, he could be sleeping.  On the floor.  In a puddle of blood... Here--[effort] SOUND    DOOR BEING FORCED, HIS FOOTSTEPS DONNA    [off, calling] Anything? PAUL    Nothing obvious. DONNA    [off] Check him for combs and poison apples, but be careful, Paul! PAUL    [quiet]  I love it when she worries. DONNA    [off] What? PAUL    Nothing.  [grunts as he rolls him over]  Aha.  Stabbed in the back. DONNA    With what? PAUL    I have an idea...  And look at this! SOUND    HER FOOTSTEPS COME ON DONNA    What is--?  Why would he have one of those? PAUL    Maybe a souvenir from Gramma's house? DONNA    No - she only had one, and the wolf was wearing it when he died. PAUL    Hmm.... DONNA    I'll call Captain Oftheguard-- PAUL    No, we'll need him. DONNA    Need him for what? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS PAUL    [importantly] The denouement. DONNA    Are we there already? PAUL    Oh, yes.  [clears throat]  So we rounded up all the unusual suspects - DONNA    There's actually only the one.  Red. PAUL    Oh, well, we got Red and Oftheguard to meet us at Gramma's cottage, a one-room, run-down little affair that had definitely seen better days - three or four kings ago. VOICEOVER MUSIC STOPS DONNA    All present and -- who are you? RED    [VERY SULTRY]  That's my attorney Portia. PORTIA    [VERY BRITISH, acknowledging the intro]  Most noble lady. PAUL    Portia? DONNA    [whispered] I think she's from across the pond. PAUL    [growls, then mutters] First patticakes, now Shakespeareans - what's next?  DONNA    Shh.  Denouement, remember? PAUL    Right.  [pulls himself together]  Daymoo-- [sighs, almost a growl] Denouement.  DONNA    Should I start? RED     Well somebody should. CAPTAIN    We're all here. PAUL    Fine.  We were hired to investigate the circumstances of a violent death-- RED    My Gramma? PAUL    Actually, no.  We're talking about the death of Mr. Wolf, at the hands of a woodcutter. RED    But he was protecting little old me.  That's not murder! DONNA    Stuff it up your riding hood, Red.  Let Paul talk. PAUL    [growls appreciatively]  As I was saying, Wolf's wife, loyal to the end, insisted that while he might have been on the prowl, he wasn't a killer.  And she was right, wasn't she, Captain? CAPTAIN    He?  [grudgingly]  Turns out you're right.  There was no sign of gramma in the wolf's stomach contents. DONNA    Great! CAPTAIN    [defensive]  But there was Gramma - bits - found in his mouth and teeth - so there was no reason for us to look any farther. PAUL    Understandable.  CAPTAIN    The guard is always busy, and understaffed.  DONNA    We're agreeing with you. PAUL    So the wolf was a patsy.  A fall guy.  PORTIA    What, like icarus? DONNA    Don't confuse him. PAUL    And once we rule out who seemed to be the murderer, we have to look at motive.  CAPTAIN    Which is? RED    Yes, enlighten us - If you think I want to own this run-down little rathole, you're sadly mistaken.  It's so old, it might as well have been built out of gingerbread. DONNA    Ah!  Well I found out, from a contact in the D-A's office and highway planning board, that there's been a highway supposed to go through this very spot, but it's been held up in the planning stages, since Gramma didn't want to sell. RED    [gasp] PORTIA    Is there something I should know? SOUND    KNOCK ON THE DOOR CAPTAIN    That will be Officer Sees-Real-Far.  [raising voice] come in! S-R-F    We did what you said sir, and-- CAPTAIN    [lowering his voice] And? S-R-F    [low] out behind the woodshed sir. CAPTAIN    Very good. PORTIA    In the interest of disclosure, sire--[don't forget her best line - the devil is in the details, milord] CAPTAIN    In a bit.  Go on. DONNA    But even if Red had a very good motive - by the way, my contact also said the board bought the land this morning - and for a pretty penny. RED    [petulant] I may be in mourning for my gramma, but business is business. DONNA    Right.  We come to the death of the woodcutter.  Supposedly an innocent bystander, dragged in to the whole mess out of pure chivalry and civic duty. PAUL    Or was he--? RED    What are you implying?  You won't find anyone who saw us together until AFTER the fact. PORTIA    I ought to caution you to remain silent. RED    Why?  I have nothing to hide. PORTIA    Yes, I can tell by your dress. DONNA    Back to the subject.  PAUL    Funny you should mention dresses, there, mouthpiece.  Because the wolf - who also was probably never seen with you, Red, was howling to all his friends about a hot little number‑‑ DONNA    --red-hot-- PAUL    --who was keeping company with him, and how she was a little kinky. RED    Shut up! PAUL    She liked him to dress up-- RED    Tell him I'll sue! PAUL    In an old lady's nightgown. RED    [collapses into tears] DONNA    It started out as part of the plot, didn't it?  Just a way to get him into the nightie before he tucked himself up and waited for you?  PAUL    But you realized it really got your ball rolling.  DONNA    Otherwise, why would we have found this-- SOUND    NIGHTGOWN PULLED OUT OF BAG DONNA    In the woodcutter's bedroom? CAP, RED, POR    [GASP!!] RED    I forgot about that... PAUL    Not hard, since just as you didn't actually kill the wolf, you didn't actually kill the woodcutter either. DONNA    [completely surprised]  She didn't? PAUL    [pleased with himself]  Nope.  Captain, I think you already have that killer in custody. CAPTAIN    [baffled]  I do? DONNA    Come on!  Spill! PAUL    That prince who attacked us on the street, beautiful.  While you were -- CAPTAIN     Causing a disturbance. DONNA    Defending myself. PAUL    Turning into a whirlwind, I happened to notice his sword had a tiny smear of dried blood on it.  It didn't strike me at the time, except that he was pretty careless with his weapon. DONNA    And the woodcutter--? PAUL    When I saw the stab wound in his back, I thought it looked strange - awkward.  Sword's aren't made for that, but they'll do.  I think you'll find, Captain when you do an autopsy on the poor fellow, that it's the same caliber. CAPTAIN    Swords don't have calibers. DONNA    So it's an Ex-caliber? PAUL    [growls]  Size, shape, whatever.  Don't nitpick, this is the big payoff! DONNA    So she vamped him into killing the wolf-- PAUL    Not too hard, a poor but honest woodcutter, and a tamale like that-- DONNA    He must have thought he died and went to heaven. PAUL    And he did, just the other way round. CAPTAIN    So this prince--? DONNA    She must have heard we were onto her. PAUL    And she gave him a sob story and sent him round to take me out. DONNA    Possibly hoping I'd get caught in the crossfire-- um cross sword, um... PAUL    Fray? DONNA    Fray.  Yes. PORTIA    But you still have no proof of any of this.  CAPTAIN    [chuckles] That's where you're wrong, milady. PAUL    Oh? CAPTAIN    My officer just now?  Well, I had some of my boys dig around out back, and guess what they found? RED    Oh No! PORTIA    My client is admitting nothing. CAPTAIN    They found Gramma.  Dead.  Buried under the woodshed.  And I think we're going to find she wasn't killed by wolf, woodcutter or demented prince.  Eh, Red? RED    All right!  I did it!  She was a tiresome senile old biddy who stockpiled newspapers and put food out for the bluebird of happiness!  She had no reason to live, let alone to keep me from my dreams! DONNA    Which are? RED    [unconvincing] Oh, you know - fame fortune, marry a prince. PAUL    Really? RED    [admitting] Ok, so my only dream is to kill her and get a bunch of money, is that so wrong? VOICEOVER MUSIC STARTS DONNA    A nice end to another tough case.  Mrs. Wolf got her insurance money, and the cubs can go to college-- PAUL    Red got her comeuppance, and the prince went into therapy-- DONNA    And the money from the sale of gramma's land went to a distant relation living in a pumpkin shell. PAUL    [grumbling] Patticakes. DONNA    And we-- PAUL    --we got our fee-- DONNA    --and the warm feeling-- PAUL    --of helping someone in need. DONNA    Stop!  Darn it Paul.  I'm tired of this. PAUL    Of what? DONNA    All of this.  Fighting over voiceovers, everything. PAUL    You-- you mean? DONNA    Yes. PAUL    Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it. DONNA    I've just been holding out to be nice. PAUL    [wilting] Of course. DONNA    So, as of tomorrow-- PAUL    [growly sigh, very small] Yes? DONNA    I want my own damn voiceover music! PAUL    [immensely cheered] Oh! CLOSING OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already...

Written by Julie Hoverson, loosely based on a story by O Henry (The Duplicity of Hargraves) An actor takes a chance to help out a friend.   Cast List Hargraves - Charles Austin Miller Governor - Dave Marshall Lydia - Dawn Harvey Music by  Enox Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Charles Austin Miller   What kind of a place is it? Why it's an unfashionable residence hotel on a space station, can't you tell?" ************************************************ Duplicity [Loosely inspired by the Duplicity of Hargraves by O. Henry] Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Governor Pendleton, elderly man, slightly senile Lydia, his daughter Anthony Hargraves, the actor/Mac Bac   OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a quaint old boarding hotel on a teensy out of the way unfashionable space platform, of the classic sci fi kind, can't you tell?  MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND     SCI FI DOORS SHUSHS OPEN GOVERNOR    Anthony! So pleased to see you.  Come right in. ANTHONY    Thank you so much for having me, sir. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES SHUT GOVERNOR    Have a seat.  [commanding] Gamma mu?  [beat, waiting]  Gamma mu?  [petulant] Where is that robot? LYDIA    [coming in] Oh, father.  I'm so sorry I forgot to tell you.  Gamma Mu is in the shop. GOVERNOR    That's preposterous!  Back in my day, they built robots to last!  LYDIA    Gamma Mu is getting on in years, just as you are father.  [choking up a bit] It should be back in working order in a couple of days.  I - I think I smell something burning-- SOUND    SHE DASHES OUT GOVERNOR    [courtly again] If you will excuse me, Anthony, I shall have to go and fetch the drinks tray myself. ANTHONY    Oh, please, don't bother yourself, Governor!  I'm happy to do that.  GOVERNOR    You are a guest in my house, young man. ANTHONY    And I am quite used to having to look after myself.  [a chuckle] Besides, I'm sure Lydia has everything ready - it won't take any effort on my part at all. GOVERNOR    She's a good girl.  Too bad she never married. ANTHONY    [agreeing, but not encouraging] Yes. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA    [crying quietly in the background] ANTHONY    Lydia? LYDIA    [gasp, then trying to get over the crying jag, sniffling, wiping her face, etc.  A couple of breaths, then an attempt to be cheery]  Over here. SOUND    HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS.  SOUND    SHE PUTS GLASSES ON A TRY ANTHONY    What's wrong? LYDIA    [brittle, pretending cheer] Oh, Mr. Hargraves.  What makes you think something's wrong? ANTHONY    Lydia.  If there's one thing any actor worth his salt learns before anything else, it's how to tell when someone is lying. LYDIA    [sniffle, almost loses it]  It's - it's not your problem. ANTHONY    Will you let me help?  Is it something about Gamma Mu?  I mean, I know you've had that robot for years-- LYDIA    [sudden rush of admission] I pawned it. ANTHONY    What? LYDIA    It's not broken.  And it's not coming back.  [heavy sigh]  We needed the money. ANTHONY    But your father's estates-- LYDIA    Venus is in a recession.  And the incomes simply can't keep up with the cost of living.  Space station habitats are so expensive. ANTHONY    You could-- go back to a surface home? LYDIA    Hah.  No place will have father, even now.  We're just lucky that HERE, in a place so [distasteful] mercenary, no one cares about what he did any more.  Hmph.  If they ever did. ANTHONY    He was never prosecuted. LYDIA    He didn't do anything worse than any other territorial governor.  He was ... made an example of.  And, being father, he refused to unbend and let some PR firm mend his reputation.  He truly believes he was, and always has been, in the right. ANTHONY    [gentle] The Venusians see it differently. LYDIA    [bitter] Oh, yes, take their side. ANTHONY    I'm not!  I just... once you've played both the good and the bad enough times, you start to see things from everyone's side.  You simply can't help yourself. SOUND    RATTLE OF GLASSES ON TRAY LYDIA    [controlled again] Here.  Father will be wondering where you got to. ANTHONY    [cajoling] Lydia-- LYDIA    [dismissing him] Mr. Hargraves. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN, SHUT LYDIA    [heavy sigh] SOUND    DOOR OPENS AGAIN IMMEDIATELY ANTHONY    [rushing back in, hushed] How much? LYDIA    What? SOUND    DOOR SHUTS ANTHONY    [normal volume] How much did you get for Gamma Mu? LYDIA    [rueful laugh]  Turns out the old Mu line are classics.  Collectible.  They gave me 200 credits.  Would have been more, but I refused to sell it outright.  [little sigh] Yet. ANTHONY    You have hope of getting some money before the time is up? LYDIA    Hope is what we live on.  ...and memories. ANTHONY    Hmm.  [making a decision] Right. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN AGAIN GOVERNOR    Where's Lydia? ANTHONY    She - uh- wanted to freshen up. GOVERNOR    [chuckles indulgently] "Put herself back together" as she says.  As often as she needs to do that, you'd think the girl was as badly in need of replacement parts as our poor servo robot. ANTHONY    [laughs] GOVERNOR    More likely she just wants to leave you on your own to put up with my storytelling. ANTHONY    Sir, I - GOVERNOR    No, no.  Until we made your acquaintance, young man, there was no one to tell my stories to but my poor dear Lydia, and saint that she is, she put up with it.  ANTHONY    [oh, come on]  Sir! GOVERNOR    That girl should have married, and left the nest, 20 years ago. [sadly, drifting into memory]  But after all that happened-- ANTHONY    Why don't you make us your famous Venusian aperitifs, sir? GOVERNOR    [brought back with a tiny gasp] Ah?  [befuddled] Oh, yes.  I was about to do that, wasn't I? ANTHONY    No one makes them like you do, sir. GOVERNOR    Of course not! I invented the drink.  Everyone nowadays makes these with an extract of Venusian basil - or god forbid synthetic - But I must have the real thing or nothing.  [musing again] Lydia somehow always manages to have a pinch or two ready for me, no matter the cost. ANTHONY    She is very concerned about your comfort.  Shows a great deal of character. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN GOVERNOR    What is it you actors say?  "As if on cue?" [chuckles indulgently] ANTHONY    [chuckles] GOVERNOR    My dear, will you join us? LYDIA    I already have a drink of my own, but I might stay and keep you gentlemen company -- for a little while. ANTHONY    Certainly! GOVERNOR    Capital.  I shall make us just the two, then. ANTHONY    As many times as you've treated me to these, I should definitely reciprocate. GOVERNOR    Nonsense. ANTHONY    Or at least bring you some of the basil? GOVERNOR    No, no.  Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation.  Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. ANTHONY    I see. LYDIA    [changing the subject]  You said you had a new show going up soon, Anthony? ANTHONY    Oh, yes.  LYDIA    [teasing a little] And what are you playing this week? ANTHONY    Guess.  [cuts them off with a sharp intake of breath] But I will warn you it has more than four limbs. LYDIA    [laughs] You and your alien roles.  Is it just the one extra, like the Venusians, or the full complement of a Martian? ANTHONY    Actually, this time I'm from Pluto. GOVERNOR    Plutonians?  But they never come this close to the sun! ANTHONY    Artistic license.  The story is a murder mystery set at a diplomatic event near the asteroid belt. GOVERNOR    [amused] What will they come up with next? LYDIA    I can understand why you have to double for a plutonian, but why not get real Martians to play Martians and real Venusians to play Venusians?  ANTHONY    Martians don't like being too close to humans, say we smell too unpleasant.  For moving pictures, you can still shoot scenes in pieces and clip them together, but in stage work it doesn't go at all. LYDIA    And all the extra body mass? ANTHONY    Elementary rotoscoping replacement on film, Padding and exoskeleton on stage.  Simple servo mechanical movements.  And of course the voice changer.  GOVERNOR    [half asleep] Wonder of wonders. ANTHONY    And most people have only seen them - either Venusians or martians - on screen. LYDIA    But isn't that expensive? ANTHONY    Well, if all else fails, if there's just the one extra arm, you stick it in a sling and pretend it is broken. LYDIA    [laughs for real] GOVERNOR    [splutters a bit, waking, then]  That is just what I like to hear, my dear. ANTHONY    The problem with using real Venusians in any kind of show - well, their artistic culture is one of unfettered improvisation and sudden impulse - they haven't really adjusted to the concept of scripted material.  [realizing he's getting into potentially bad territory] They've ... only dealt with a written language... for a very short time. GOVERNOR    [sigh, then regretful]  That was one of the reasons for such a debate about accepting them as a truly sentient and evolved species.  ANTHONY    [eager] Yes? GOVERNOR    Having some form of recordation of history and science - we don't include fiction as being necessary for sentience, you understand?   ANTHONY    [joking] A lot of people don't. GOVERNOR    [slight indulgent chuckle]  You see, as they had no recording system that we could fathom, it was hard to be entirely certain that they weren't simply bright, imitative animals. ANTHONY    Which was why you were put in charge of the planet. GOVERNOR    I ran a tight ship, and made that planet [sigh, reminiscing fondly] one of the most profitable in the entire solar system. MUSIC SCENE 2.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR    [querulous] Where's young Anthony got to?  Haven't seen him in weeks. LYDIA    [amused] He's been filming again, papa.  And he's not precisely "young".  He's my age. GOVERNOR    Yes, I have been meaning to talk to you about that.  You could do worse than that young fellow. LYDIA    Papa! GOVERNOR    Actor or not, he's a fine young man.  Knows how to treat his elders properly.  Shows respect.  [i] Like him. LYDIA    Father, I am hardly young either, I-- GOVERNOR    Should have married and left the nest a donkey's years back.  Precisely.  LYDIA    I can't leave you alone, papa.  [trying to be funny, but starting to sound teary] At least not until they fix the robot. GOVERNOR    [gently] You mean at least not until I have gone on to a better place, don't you? LYDIA    [almost crying] Papa! GOVERNOR    I am old, my child, and I realize that there will come an end.  Not today, or tomorrow, but I don't want to see you spending your time in regrets because you clung to this sinking spar when you could have been taken off in a lifeboat. [Silence] LYDIA    [trying to change the subject]  I'm sure... Anthony will come back and visit again soon.     GOVERNOR    [befuddled now] What was it you said he was doing? LYDIA    [relieved] Filming, papa. He said he'd be gone for a month while they made a movie. GOVERNOR    Will we be able to see it? LYDIA    If it broadcasts on one of the stations we can receive. GOVERNOR    [grumbling] Used to be more channels.  I swear I recall- LYDIA    Yes papa!  There were, but most of them have become so ... violent and unpleasant.  I canceled them. GOVERNOR    You are such a sensitive young lady. LYDIA    [deep sigh, melancholy] Yes. MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND    CLEANING, WASH BUCKET SOUND    SPACE AGE DOORBELL LYDIA    Huh?  SOUND    FEET, INTERCOM LYDIA    Who is it? ANTHONY     [on intercom]  Me!  I mean Mr. Hargraves.  I just got back and have a copy of my new film.  I thought I might bring it over and show it to you - you both. LYDIA    You can't come in now!  Neither of us is ... prepared to see company.  You know how papa insists on being in full governor regalia to entertain! ANTHONY    Gosh, I'm sorry!  I only wanted to surprise you. LYDIA    Surprise us again in an hour, if you please. ANTHONY    [laughing] Anything to oblige a lady! SOUND    INTERCOM OFF. LYDIA    Oh, goodness.  How will I ever get the cleaning finished?  SOUND    HURRIES AWAY LYDIA    [off slightly] Papa?  You might wish to prepare yourself for company! MUSIC SCENE 4.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME SOUND    TV TURNS ON, TUBE WARMS UP GOVERNOR    [querulous] What was this movie about? ANTHONY    [eager] You'll just have to see.  I think you'll like it. SOUND    MUSIC CHANGES GOVERNOR    Oh, my.  The old place. ANTHONY    They found some cracking stock footage. GOVERNOR    Can you make it a bit bigger?  My eyes aren't what they once were. ANTHONY    [really proud] Absolutely sir.  I want you to be able to see this! ANNOUNCER    Many people think they know about the early days of the Venus colony, but all they really know is the rumors. GOVERNOR    [a bit annoyed] What? LYDIA    Oh, no. ANTHONY    Shh-shh!  This is the good part! ANTHONY    [on screen, sounding exactly like the Governor]  Hospitality is what you give freely, with no thought of reciprocation.  Otherwise it becomes merely [disgusted] commerce. GOVERNOR    [low growl] What have you done? ANTHONY    [completely surprised] Sir?   ANTHONY    [on screen]  I invented this drink, you know. GOVERNOR    Get out! ANTHONY    You don't understand!  All I wanted to do was show the reality under all the terrible stories that people bandied about - show the humanity! GOVERNOR    Get OUT! LYDIA    You had better go. ANTHONY    At least let me reward you for the help you gave me - even though you didn't know you were doing it. GOVERNOR    Are you insinuating you will pay me for this impersonation?  For stealing my -my - entire ---[splutters]  LYDIA    Shh!  Shh!  Father.  [a little frantic] Mr. Hargraves, you are no longer welcome in this house.  Leave! SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND    HE TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS GOVERNOR    [off slightly] For this LAMPOON! ANTHONY    [wince noise] [quiet] Lydia? LYDIA    Don't! ANTHONY    I thought this would be a way to help you.  Both of you. LYDIA    [quietly furious] Help?  By driving papa into a veritable fit?  Go! MUSIC SCENE 5.    AMB    GOVERNOR'S HOME GOVERNOR    [sounding weaker] Lydia?  LYDIA    [worried] Yes, Papa? GOVERNOR    Lydia?  Hasn't young Anthony visited? LYDIA    No, papa.  [lying] He - he's been away for the last week, filming. GOVERNOR    Again?  Did we see his last film? LYDIA    Yes, papa.  It was very nice. GOVERNOR    Good, good.  He's a nice young man.  You could do worse. LYDIA    I know, papa. SOUND    DOORBELL GOVERNOR    Who's there? LYDIA    I'll go and see. GOVERNOR    Are we expecting someone?  Is that why I'm in my uniform? LYDIA    [whispered aside] I just thought it might make you feel better.  [up]  We weren't expecting anyone so early. SOUND    INTERCOM ON LYDIA    Hello? MAC BAC    [alien voice] Greetings.  Is this the living place of Previous Governor Pendleton? LYDIA    [panicky] Oh! what now?  SOUND    PUSHES BUTTON LYDIA    [Striving to keep calm] This - um - yes - this is the place you are looking for. MAC BAC    Is the Previous Governor available?  I would like to speak with him. LYDIA    He's not feeling well today-- GOVERNOR    [more perky sounding] Lydia?  Is that a Venusian voice.  How interesting!  Let's see what the green fellow has to say for himself, eh? LYDIA    [sigh]  Yes papa.  SOUND    INTERCOM ON LYDIA    Please come in. SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES OPEN SOUND    WEIRD NOISE OF STRANGE MOVEMENT AS IT ENTERS. GOVERNOR    [grunt as he gets up] LYDIA    Papa!  You don't have to--! GOVERNOR    Nonsense.  It is only common courtesy to meet a guest on your feet.  [up]  Greetings.  May I ask what occasions this visit?  You are very far from your home world. MAC BAC    Many years have passed, previous governor.  And yet you have not changed so much.  Do you not recall Mac Bac?  This one was an aide in the mansion. LYDIA    [surprised] Oh! GOVERNOR    My stars!  Yes!  Oh, Mac Bac.  [delighted]  I never thought to see anyone from those days again.  Why don't you-- [falters] LYDIA    [hurriedly picks up]  Would you like a bench to accommodate your form? MAC BAC    This one would be most grateful. GOVERNOR    Would you be a dear and bring us some refreshment, Lydia? LYDIA    Certainly. SOUND    BUSTLES OUT GOVERNOR    Now that we are alone, what is it that brought you here? MAC BAC    This one has come to repay a debt, previous governor. GOVERNOR    A debt?  I cannot think of anything-- MAC BAC    When your office made your departure, you gifted Mac Bac with a number of items. GOVERNOR    Oh, yes....  I seem to remember... MAC BAC    Among those was a vehicle, given as you could not transport it off planet. GOVERNOR    Yes!  Now I recall.  I apologize for my forgetfulness, but it has been a very long time. MAC BAC    This visit is to repay that gift. GOVERNOR    Repay? MAC BAC    The previous governor said at the time that if a gift was unacceptable, the vehicle could be considered a loan to be repaid at a later date.  Many years have passed, for the previous governor's location is not easily uncovered.  GOVERNOR    [truly touched]  And you came all this way to pay me for my old hovercar? MAC BAC    The vehicle became the center of a profitable business, transporting visiting dignitaries.  After some years, more vehicles, more transporting.  Mac Bac has become very comfortable, as you say, and it came upon this one a desire to travel.  Travel without purpose is enjoyable, but achieving a goal is more so. GOVERNOR    [slightly condescending] You have come a long way to pay back such a slight debt.  The car couldn't have been worth more than a hundred credits. MAC BAC    Considered as a loan, or even an investment in the business of Mac Bac, this hundred  credits has grown like a precocious fern monkey over the past many years. LYDIA    How much? GOVERNOR    Do not be crude, dear.  Never mind the amount, it is the thought that is important.  Whatever you feel is necessary to pay, Mac Bac, will be more than enough. MAC BAC    This one has had the tabulations done, and this is the amount which is correct. SOUND    METAL SET DOWN LYDIA    [gasp] GOVERNOR    B-but Mac Bac-- MAC BAC    One Thousand credits. GOVERNOR    But surely you-- MAC BAC    Mac Bac does not take charity.  This one must even all debts before end of life comes, or debts will follow to next world. GOVERNOR    Oh.  Yes.  We are all getting a bit old, are we not? LYDIA    Father! GOVERNOR    Lydia, why don't you go and do something for yourself and leave us old fellows to talk.  I'm quite certain that we shall bore you to tears with our stuffy old stories.  Eh, Mac Bac? MAC BAC    Indeed.  Old times become very close when one approaches the fading of the light. MUSIC SCENE 6.    AMB    HUSHED CROWD SOUND    QUICK WOMAN'S FOOTSTEPS, SHUSH OF DOOR LYDIA    [crying] SOUND    DOOR SHUSHES SHUT LYDIA    Oh, father what will I-- [cuts off with a gasp] ANTHONY    Lydia!  I'm so sorry I'm late.  I didn't hear until Wednesday, and I couldn't get transport. LYDIA    You're here?  Even after father drove you out? ANTHONY    I can't begrudge him his pride. I just hope that he might have forgiven me, at the end. LYDIA    I think-- I'm sure he forgot the entire incident. ANTHONY    [sad realization]  Forgot.  Yes. LYDIA    He would have forgiven you, though!  Father was never a vindictive man. ANTHONY    You, at least, know I never meant the play as any kind of insult.  LYDIA    I - I guess.  I never got to see more than that opening.  He was so furious. ANTHONY    But you - you will forgive me, won't you?  I would be mortified if we couldn't get past this. LYDIA    I... [small self-deprecating laugh]  I can't stay mad at you.  And I certainly don't have so many friends that I can throw one away over such a ... trifle. ANTHONY    Good. LYDIA    And...  and from the little I did see-- [trails off] ANTHONY    Yes? LYDIA    [uncomfortable, blushing]  Oh, just that you did a very good -  you did the acting very well.  ANTHONY    [warm]  I'm glad you didn't hate it.  LYDIA    Of course I didn't!  Don't tease so! ANTHONY    I promise.  [beat, changing subject]  Well.  At least he had some good days, there at the end.  [prompting]  And you look like things are going a little better.  Was that Gamma mu I saw, standing by the casket? LYDIA    [pleased but sad] Yes.  We were very lucky.  Father came into some unexpected money. ANTHONY    [way too pleased] I know. LYDIA    What?  How did you hear? ANTHONY    [eager] You really didn't know?  LYDIA    [horrified realization] You - you paid that Venusian! ANTHONY    [barely contained excitement]  Oh, you really underestimate me, Lydia.  Didn't you believe me when I said I do very well in alien roles? CLOSING

The Demon Beelzebud returns to pester sisters Rena and Matilda. [sequel to Force Majeure]  Cast List Beelzebud - Anthony D.P. Mann (Horror Etc. Podcast) Rena - Julie Hoverson Matilda - Kate Waterous Jesse - Big Anklevitch (Dunesteef Audio Magazine) Infernique - Julia Carter Willial - Mark Olson Benedict - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Closky - Florida Possum Fat guy - Dave Fontenot Manager - Scott Spaulding Cameo appearance from Super Haunted Stories! Music by  Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson Cover art includes:  clear crystal / red crystal "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a modern family home, can't you tell?" ********************************************** Caveat Emptor Cast: Beelzebud Rena Matilda Jesse Infernique Willial Benedict Mrs. Closky Fat guy Manager OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a family home, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF, IS SLAPPED DOWN JESSE    [waking up]  maaaargh.  SOUND    PATTING BED JESSE    Huh?  [thick]  Babe? [clears throat] Babe?  [considering noise] Hmmm. SOUND    BLANKET FLAPS JESSE    What the hell time...?  What?  [yelling petulantly] Cassie?  Who reset the alarm? SOUND    STUMBLES INTO OTHER ROOM JESSE    Cassie?  Where's the laptop?  Shit!  We've been robbed!  SOUND    RUSHING AROUND SOUND    DOORBELL JESSE    Where's the phone?  Gotta call police. SOUND    DOORBELL JESSE    Who the hell? SOUND    DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN JESSE    This is not a good time. BUD    It's the only time you got, pal.  JESSE    I just got robbed. BUD    No, you just got dumped.  Read the note on the fridge. JESSE    What? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS, OUTSIDE WITH BUD BUD    [WHISTLES SOMETHING] SOUND    DOOR JERKS OPEN AGAIN JESSE    [freaking out] Are you a friend of Cassie's?  Do you know where she went? BUD    Not my area.  I just dropped by to give you a bit of a head's up. JESSE    Uh-what? BUD    I know you're feeling pretty low.  Wife walked out, took the kid, and you don't know why-- JESSE    We have a good life! BUD    Yeah, it's got nothing to do with you moping around the house all day-- JESSE    I got laid off. BUD    Leaving all the housework for the little woman, so that when she gets home from her full day-- JESSE    I have to spend my time looking for work-- BUD    A lot of work in World of Warcraft, is there?  Or are you considering a career in porn? JESSE    None of your business! Besides...they're the only things that make me less depressed-- BUD    Yeah, yeah, I've heard it all.  So today is your lucky day - kinda. JESSE    Kinda? BUD    [dragged out, savoring] Ye-a-aah.  MUSIC MATILDA    It's $200.  That's like three tanks of gas. RENA    [disgusted sigh]  I hate this work. MATILDA    One hour plus drive time.  Just think of it as gathering intel. RENA    I'll think of it as whine tasting. SOUND    PICKS UP KEYS, DOOR OPENS MATILDA    Have fun! MUSIC SOUND    DOORBELL, DOOR OPENS ON CHAIN RENA    You called? JESSE    Oh, yeah, this guy - he gave me your card. RENA    And? JESSE    And? RENA    I didn't come all this way to stand on your porch, unpaid. MATILDA    [mic] Confirmed. JESSE    Oh, ah.  Come in. SOUND    UNCHAINS, OPENS DOOR JESSE    Yeah, um, it's kind of a mess.  You want a beer or something? RENA    57 minutes. JESSE    What? RENA    Of your hour.  We confirmed your paypal transaction. JESSE      Oh, right.  My wife – she left me. RENA    When? JESSE    Oh, just this morning. RENA    [disbelieving] Hmph. JESSE    She's not much of a housekeeper. RENA    I can smell that. JESSE    That doesn't mean I don't want her back! SOUND    POUNDING ON THE DOOR JESSE    [angry sigh] Just a sec. RENA    Take your time. MATILDA    [mic] Cut the poor guy some slack. SOUND    OPENS DOOR MRS. CLOSKY    How dare you! JESSE    How dare I, what? MRS. CLOSKY    Bring a hooker into your house while your wife's away? MATILDA    [mic] [laughing hysterically] RENA    [low] Not funny. MATILDA    [mic] I told you the black leather was wrong for the neighborhood! RENA    Tough is tough. JESSE    She's not-- MRS. CLOSKY    I know just what kind of woman has the bleached blonde hair and the motorcycle. JESSE    But Cassie-- MRS. CLOSKY    That poor woman gave you two beautiful children, so any weight she's gained, well that's just as much your fault, isn't it? MATILDA    [mic] [fresh peals of laughter] RENA    I'm gonna turn you off. JESSE    But Mrs. Closky! MRS. CLOSKY    You're just like my sonofabitch husband, and I just wish I had had someone like me to speak up on my behalf back when he-- SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, cutting her off JESSE    [sigh] Shit. RENA    Sum up quick.  I'm already bored. JESSE    My wife left me this morning.  I want to find out where she went. RENA    Did you call her parents? JESSE    Her mother won't answer. RENA    Did you call her friends? JESSE    They're all on her side. RENA    Did you check her emails? JESSE    I didn't think of that. RENA    What have you done? JESSE    I ... called you. RENA    You understand that first $200 is only for this hour, the one we're currently wasting.  JESSE    Not for the entire job? RENA    Not unless I find her in the next 47 minutes. JESSE    [hopeful] Do you think you can? RENA    What's her email address? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING, LEATHER CREAKING MATILDA    [mic] She already emailed back.  Says he's been a shit since he got laid off.  Says she told him she was going to do this, weeks ago, and he didn't even pay attention. RENA    Hmph.  Makes me want to run out and find one of my own. MATILDA    [mic] [laughs] WILLY    Uh, hello? RENA    Not in a million years. WILLY    I was just looking for a - ah!  There's the address. SOUND    HE HUSTLES OFF RENA    Must be a friend of his-- MRS. CLOSKY    [off, calling]  You! RENA    Oh hell. MRS. CLOSKY    You, woman! MATILDA    [mic] Uh-oh.  RENA    [sigh] What? MRS. CLOSKY    How much do you charge? MATILDA    [mic] Tell her you don't do lemon parties. RENA    I don't-- [starts over] I am a bounty hunter. MRS. CLOSKY    Oh!  Well, that's a disappointment. RENA    That I'm not a prostitute? MRS. CLOSKY    I have a nephew.  Unmarried.  He could use a little cheering up.  And his birthday's coming! MATILDA    [mic] [teasing] We are a bit short on cash. RENA    I - I have to go.  Now. SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS MUSIC AMB    MATILDA'S DEN SOUND    DOOR SHUTS (OFF) SOUND    RENA ENTERS MATILDA    [calling] So, how was the nephew? RENA    [muffled] Funny. SOUND    KNOCK ON DOOR RENA    There wasn't any - oh. MATILDA    What? RENA    Who pops up out of nowhere on a regular basis? SOUND    OPENS DOOR BUD    Hiya doll!  [louder] Dolls! RENA    [to M] You okay with having him in? MATILDA    Yeah, I guess. BUD    Make a guy feel wanted, why dontcha? MATILDA    We forgot to vacuum! RENA    We're antisocial. BUD    And here I thought it was just me. RENA    You forgot to vacuum too? MATILDA    Get over here, where I can see you! SOUND    WALKING RENA    Matilda.  Bud.  SOUND    SHE FLOPS INTO CHAIR MATILDA    You do look like Steve Buscemi. BUD    I'm gonna take that as a compliment.  You don't got no more places to sit? RENA    One butt, one chair.  Part of the recluse mystique.  MATILDA    There's a stool around somewhere... BUD    eh.  I can stand.  Don't plan to be here that long.  See, I gotta problem. MATILDA    Another one? RENA    We get $200 for the first hour. BUD    Here. SOUND    SLAPS DOWN MONEY BUD    You know, I never woulda mistaken you for a prostitute. RENA    Good to know. BUD    Dominatrix, maybe. RENA    [losing it] It's motorcycle gear!  Not some kind of leather teddy and thigh high boots-- MATILDA    [taunting] With stiletto heels? RENA    Not helping!  And those things'll break your ankles.  [breath, recomposed]  Clock starts now.  What's your problem? BUD    You girls are a hoot.  You should take it on the road. MATILDA    No thanks. RENA    Tick...tock. BUD    Fine.  [sigh]  You'd think the life of a demon like me would be a piece of cake. MATILDA    From what you've said, you seem to have it all down to a system. BUD    Yeah, well any well oiled machine can go Pfft - if you stick in the wrong cog. RENA    What have you been sticking in your cogs? BUD    [snicker] It's Infernique.  MATILDA    Sounds like a perfume. BUD    The demon chick you fixed me up with. RENA    Nuh-uh.  No fixing.  Just tricked her into giving in and going out with you.  Once.  Whatever happened after - not my fault. MATILDA    Well, maybe just a little. BUD    She's convinced she gotta class me up. RENA    Class?  You? BUD    You don't need to make it sounds like such a joke, babe. MATILDA    I wondered about the suit.  Seemed awfully-- RENA    Tasteful? MATILDA    Restrained.  I mean, the descriptions - you have such ... flair!  [undertone] help me out here. RENA    No. BUD    Yeah, yeah, so I like the classics.  This sharkskin still got its own kind of flash, but she's killing me with the pastels.  [confidential]  You know they come from the pit of despair? MATILDA    Pastels? BUD    Yeah.  Not a pretty story.  [up a bit] Anyway, I'm not so good at saying "no" to her, and she's been trying to get me to trade up.  Better department.  Better class of victim. MATILDA    What will the comedians do without you? BUD    Yeah, that's what I say, but there's always someone willing to take most any place, but my place is one of those ain't no one gonna fight over, see? RENA    Nope. BUD    This guy, Jesse - I gave him your card this morning - ring a bell? RENA    The douche who didn't realize his wife was about to walk? BUD    Yeah, well - that's what Infernique wants me for my new clientele. MATILDA    The recently abandoned?  The thoughtless husbands? RENA    The douches?  Plenty of them.  You can have 'em. BUD    Yeah, but she's got me sneaking around behind the back of Willy, the guy whose job it is now, undermining his numbers.  Trying to make him look bad.  Getting the douches to not sign. MATILDA    All's fair in love and hell? BUD    I dunno - I ain't liking this. RENA    Talking people out of selling their souls?  How abominable. BUD    Nah, it's the backstabbing.  Willy's - well not "good people" maybe, but he ain't a bad guy.  Kind of a plodder.  No inspiration.  But he's got a sweet berth and he's ...competent.  MATILDA    You'll really miss the comedians, won't you? BUD    [sighing admission] Yeah. RENA    Easy.  Tell her you don't want to change. BUD    Why don't you just point me at a good doctor, then, for when she rips me a new asshole. RENA    Guess you're screwed. MATILDA    Waitaminute.  Look.  the way I see it, you have two choices here.  You can go ahead and be perfect, toe the line, do what she wants and be with her until she finds someone more ambitious-- RENA    Won't be hard. MATILDA    Shush.  Or you find a way to slack off and subtly let her know that you aren't going to turn into a silk purse any time soon, and let her dump you. RENA    Talk to that guy from this morning.  I'm sure he can give you some pointers. MATILDA    The big question is, is she worth it? BUD    You know... You said a mouthful right there.  I think some deep pondering is in order.  Thanx! RENA    You still have a few minutes left. BUD    Ehh - Keep it!  All us classy types tip! MUSIC RENA    [snoring] SOUND    PHONE RINGS, ANSWERED RENA    [groggy] Hello?  [a bit better] Hello? SOUND    STRANGE BUZZ ON THE LINE RENA    Shit. SOUND    HANGS UP SOUND    GRABBING CLOTHES, GUN SOUND    EASES OPEN DOOR RENA    [deliberately calms her breathing to listen] SOUND    MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY FROM MATILDA'S ROOM RENA    [whispered] Shit. SOUND    QUICK DASH SHUTS MAT's DOOR, MUSIC'S MUFFLED RENA    [calming her breathing again] SOUND    CREAK, ACROSS ROOM RENA    [catch in her breathing, then careful] SOUND    ANOTHER CREAK, ACROSS THE ROOM SOUND    RENA CAREFULLY TAKES THE REMOTE SOUND    CLICK, TV COMES ON, ACROSS ROOM BENEDICT    [gasp] SOUND    QUICK SCUFFLE OF MOVEMENT RENA    [now behind him] You're gonna want to drop that. SOUND    CLICK OF HER GUN CoCKED BENEDICT    You don't know what you're doing. SOUND    CLICK - TV OFF RENA    I'm the one with the gun.  And the remote.  Whatever you got in your hand, drop it. SOUND    SOMETHING CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR. SOUND    MAT'S DOOR FLUNG OPEN MATILDA    Hold it right there! RENA    [up] Got 'im.  [to him] Hands behind your back. BENEDICT    [annoyed] Really? RENA    Really.  MATILDA    Sorry I took so long.  Couldn't find the night vision goggles. BENEDICT    [sigh] Fine. SOUND    HANDCUFFS ON BENEDICT    IS this really necessary? RENA    You're the one who broke in. MATILDA    I'll get the lights. RENA    Goggles off. MATILDA    I know! SOUND    GOGGLES OFF, LIGHT SWITCH MATILDA    Ooh!  He's smoking hot!  Can we keep him? BENEDICT    Let me explain. RENA    Not much chance of that.  Mat, 9-1-1, okay? MATILDA    [playing it up]  New where did I leave the phone? BENEDICT    [blurted out] Where are you keeping the demon? RENA    [surprised snort] MATILDA    [giggles]  Wow, dramatic much? RENA    There's a doghouse out back… MATILDA    [fresh peal of laughter] BENEDICT    This is no joke, lady.  Harboring a demonic fugitive is very serious. RENA    [growling now] “A” – harboring?  Not a chance.  “B” - fugitive?  BENEDICT    Beelzebud, lower echelon romalpa class signatory demon.  He stands accused of contractual misconduct. RENA    Let me guess – that's bad. BENEDICT    It's a termination-class penalty. MATILDA    Oh, shit! RENA    Tell us more. BENEDICT    No. MATILDA    Oh, come on.  You hunt demons.  Do you make a good living at that? BENEDICT    [bursts out laughing] RENA    Guess that's a no. BENEDICT    It's a calling, not a job.  RENA    So... you're a demon too. BENEDICT    I'm not telling you anything. RENA    You broke into our house.  Convince us that we shouldn't call the real-life police. BENEDICT    I wasn't going to do anything to you - just put this crystal somewhere-- RENA    This thing? BENEDICT    Yeah.  It's a--[shuts up]   MATILDA    Might as well finish the sentence.  [beat]  How about strip guesses? BENEDICT    What? RENA    If she guesses and she's wrong, you lose a piece of clothing. BENEDICT    Are you insane? RENA    We don't get a lot of hot male visitors. MATILDA    And you woke us up in the middle of the damn night.  Is it a tracking device? BENEDICT    No. MATILDA    Camo coat. BENEDICT    Can't take it off over the handcuffs. MATILDA    Oh, bummer.  Pants, then. BENEDICT    [panicking a little] It's a simple listening device - like a mystic "bug"  Ok? RENA    Guess he wins.  Sorry Mat. MUSIC AMB    COMEDY CLUB [HEARD FROM BACKSTAGE] FAT GUY    [punchline to a joke] Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom-boom. SOUND    SCATTERED LAUGHTER, NOT MUCH FAT GUY    and... Good night! SOUND    RUNS IN MANAGER    That could have been better. FAT GUY    [grumpy] Open mike, read it and weep. BUD    Psst. FAT GUY    What do you want? BUD    I like what you did up there. FAT GUY    [knowing] I know who you are. BUD    You... do? FAT GUY    Yeah, I was warned there's a guy going around with bogus contracts.  Screw off. BUD    I don't know nothing from bogus. I'm as legit as they come-- FAT GUY    [squealing]  You want me to call the cops?  Jeez! SOUND    STOMPS OFF BUD    [muttering, furious] Bogus contracts, eh?  SOUND    HE GOES OUT INTO ALLEY.  DOOR SHUTS BUD    [furious - cussing in latin] Mater tua caligas gerit! RENA    You kiss someone's mother with that mouth? BUD    [affable again] You know latin, doll? RENA    [shrug] I know cussing. BUD    [chuckles] RENA    Matilda wanted me to warn you.  Someone's on your tail. SOUND    MOTORCYCLE REVS, OFF RENA    And... He probably followed me here. BUD    [not real disturbed] Yikes. RENA    I thought I left you in handcuffs. BENEDICT    Your sister took pity on me. MATILDA    [mic] He's not such a bad guy. BUD    All right occifier.  I'm not as think as you drunk I am. RENA    Don't joke. BENEDICT    You might step out of the way, ma'am. RENA    [to Bud] You need some help? BUD    Why? RENA    I don't know.  I just thought I'd ask. BUD    I'm touched.  Oddly.  [beat] Nope.  It ain't gonna be pleasant, but ain't nothing to be done about that.  See you soon, doll. SOUND    COUPLE OF FOOTSTEPS, WEIRD WHOOSHING NOISE MATILDA    [mic] Well... I'll miss him. RENA    Yeah.  [sigh, beat]  Donuts? SOUND    SHE WALKS BACK TO MOTORCYCLE SOUND    PHONE RINGS RENA    Hmm?  SOUND    BEEP RENA    [wondering] Who the hell? SOUND    TURNS ON RENA    What? JESSE    [phone] Are you doing anything at all? MATILDA    [mic] Who's that? RENA    Found her. Job done. JESSE    [phone] She's not back! RENA    Yeah.  Sucks.  She's still pissed off. MATILDA    [mic] Oh, him.  What does he expect, that you'll ride in with his wife over your shoulder, kicking and screaming? RENA    I'm not draggin her home by her hair. JESSE    [phone] Then what are you doing? RENA    I told her to email you a list of demands.  Have you checked your email? JESSE    [phone] I can't!  The bitch cut off my internet! RENA    [sotto voce] Boo-hoo. [up] Hold on.  I'm transferring him to you, Matilda.  I am not playing phone relay for— SOUND    HUGE SPOOOKY WHOOOSHY SOUND SOUND    BODY FLUNG INTO WALL RENA    Ungh! SOUND    PHONE SKITTERS AWAY SOUND    THINGS GO WEIRD AND HOLLOW MATILDA    [mic] [fading into odd tunnel]  Rena?  Rena!!!!   Rena!!!! MUSIC AMB    MATILDA'S LAIR MATILDA    [panicking] Rena?  [deep shaky breath]  Don't freak out.  Don't freak out.  Maybe it's the cell tower.  Maybe it's--  Maybe its demons.  Oh shit. INFERNIQUE    Shit is right! MATILDA    [almost a scream] Who the fuck are you? INFERNIQUE    Where is my BUD?  [spooky] What have you done with him? MATILDA    [trying hard to stay calm, but kind of losing]  Bud?  I don't know!  We-we didn't do anything!  [almost a scream] Where's my sister? INFERNIQUE    That's what I want to know!  When I tried to triangulate on her, I got NOTHING.  MATILDA    Triangulate? INFERNIQUE    Anyone who deals with us has a sort of trace on them ...evermore.  Until they pass beyond.  Is she dead? MATILDA    [whine]   Nooo? INFERNIQUE    If she isn't then she's passed out of this realm.  She never said she could DO that! MATILDA    I'm just going to faint now.  I hope you don't mind... RENA    [on speaker, weak]  Mat? MATILDA    [gasp]  INFERNIQUE    What? MATILDA    [thinking hard] I-I can't find a good place to fall down.  INFERNIQUE    She's on your headset? MATILDA    She was, just for a moment. INFERNIQUE    [satisfied]  hah.  There.  Yes.  She must be in the outer fringe.  Guess we won't be seeing her again. MATILDA    [sobbing gasp] MUSIC AMB    ECHOEY DUNGEON BUD    Babe? RENA    [waking] What?  Oh, crap.  Am I dead?  Cuz having to listen to you forever is kind of like my vision of hell. BUD    Yeah, she's okay. RENA    [weak] Matilda? BUD    Back home where she belongs. RENA    [sigh of relief]  Not hell, then. SOUND    CHAINS RENA    What's with the— SOUND    CHAINS RENA    Shit. BUD    Yeah, that.  I guess I-uh kinda underestimated Willy-boy. RENA    Is that that demon hunter? BUD    [snort of laughter]  Oh, him.  Nah.  That was all part of Willy's plan to get me off his case. RENA    oh.  The demon you were undermining. BUD    Bingo!  I love a bright dame. RENA    And now he's got us both chained up in a dungeon?  Great. WILLY    [demonic sounding]  Just what I was thinking!  Muhahahahahahaha [evil laugh] RENA    [undertone, to herself] Be vewwy vewwy quiet.  [up] Wow.  This is a swell party.  WILLY    You're only here because I'm curious what would make a mortal... collaborate with such a filthy maggot as Beelzebud. RENA    You make it sound a lot more fun than it is. BUD    Hey, hey!  Willy, old boy-- WILLY    [demon] You will call me Willial [will-LIE-ul]!  [back normal]  Don't think I don't know what you've been up to, behind my back, Beelzebud! BUD    ahhh.  A few short circuits.  It's all in fun.  Plus you got me back, but good - setting a popper on me. RENA    [half a snort] Popper? BUD     The hunter - [offhand] you know, you led him to me. RENA    Yeah.  Sorry bout that. WILLY    I'm surprised to see you still up and around, Bud. BUD    Believe it or not, I'm clean.  RENA    It's not like he just up and decided he wanted your crappy job, Willy. BUD    [quiet] I really prefer my own crappy job. WILLY    You should have kept your hands off my beeswax, then! RENA    Oy vay.  [quiet, to Bud]  Can this guy actually do anything?  To me, I mean? BUD    [evasive] Not legitimately.  RENA    [up] Then maybe you'll back the fuck out of my face, elmer fudd, and let me go. BUD    On the other hand he's already more or less kidmapped you, so who knows what else he's willing to do. RENA    Shit. BUD    Yeah, like anything a stupid mortal chick says is going to piss Willial off more than I already have.  Hah! WILLY    [suspicious] You're up to something. RENA    Nah, just mouthing off.  [whisper]  Keep him talking. BUD    So, Willy - Ooh!  [snide] You kidnapped a human, what's the next step?  Custodial interference?  Stealing candy from a baby? WILLY    I-I'm not sure.  I mean, I haven't decided yet what all to do with you.  For now, I'll let you stew. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS RENA    [sigh]  Nice try. BUD    [not quite lying] Try? RENA    Yeah, whatever. BUD    [beat]  If we had cards, I play a mean Canasta. RENA    Takes two decks. SOUND    TAPPING FINGERS, WAITING SOUND    DISTANT COMMOTION BUD    Finally.  Beez.  Thought they'd never get here. RENA    [surprised] You were expecting someone? BUD    Waitaminute, you were?  Oh, boy - this could be a serious case of overkill.... SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN RENA    You ain't just whistling dixie. BENEDICT    [breathing hard from exertion]  Ok, this is not what I was expecting. RENA    You got something for chains? BUD    Uh, we might wanna wait-- RENA    [suspicious] Why? INFERNIQUE    [distant demony scream]  Beelzebud! BUD    Yeah.  That. RENA    Demon hunter - you, guy. BENDICT    Benedict.  RENA    Right, like Shakespeare.  I'm bad with names.  BENDICT    Let me get those chains-- RENA    Quick!  What's the penalty for illegal imprisonment of a human? INFERNIQUE    [a little closer]  Where is he? BUD    It ain't much. He didn't hurt you or nothing. RENA    Well? BENEDICT    Something like a hundred years of hemorrhoids.  I don't actually sentence-- RENA    Wanna stick him with something worse? BUD    [speculative] I like where this is going. BENEDICT    I ...don't. MUSIC INFERNIQUE    [roaring up]  What did you do with him? WILLY    You are in my domain, succubus! INFERNIQUE    Insults?  How dare you! BUD    [off, pathetic]  Ohhhhhh.... INFERNIQUE    Out of my way! WILLY    [surprised] What the hell? BUD    [off, weak]  Is that you, baby snakes? SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN WILLY    [bewildred] But I didn't-- INFERNIQUE    [incensed] Chained? BUD    Oh, babe.  I'm so glad to see you.  Willy there whupped my fanny, but good. WILLY    I-I-- RENA    I think the popper is concussed. INFERNIQUE    [amazed] Popper? WILLY    [an octave higher] Popper? BUD    You're gonna get us out of these, aren't you sweetie? RENA    Wake up, dude! SOUND    GENTLE SLAPPING TO TRY AND ROUSE HIM INFERNIQUE    [speculative] You... chained a popper? WILLY    I-I-  He-- they-- INFERNIQUE    Just nod your head, handsome. RENA    [quiet] I'm hunting wabbits. BENEDICT    [smothered snort of laughter] BUD    Come on babe, leave Willy alone.  Get me out of here. INFERNIQUE    That's Willial, you little weasel.  [laughs contemptuously]  I think it's about time to trade up. WILLY    I- uh- I- uh-- INFERNIQUE    [very hot]  There's nothing sexier than a tongue-tied demon. RENA    [trying to sound upset but not getting it] After all Bud has done for you! BUD    [grovelling]  You can't just leave us here!  INFERNIQUE    Willy will let you go when he's good and ready, won't you? WILLY    [frantic] Uh, Beelzebud? BUD    Fine!  Keep your job!  Take my woman!  You have everything!  [big mock sob] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS SHUT MUSIC SOUND    MATILDA'S DEN SOUND    WHOOSH OF ARRIVAL BENEDICT    I honestly don't know which of you was worse, back there. RENA    Emoting is not in my skill set. BUD    Tell me about it.  MATILDA    You're back! RENA    Yeah, it's all okay. MATILDA    I thought-- RENA    [strangely gentle] You know I always promised if I die I'd come right back and haunt you. MATILDA    [sob of relief] BENEDICT    Can we--? RENA    Fuck off, will you guys? BUD    I got this.  SOUND    WHOOSH MATILDA    I was [hiccupy sob] I was so-- RENA    I'm here.  You're not alone.  Maybe I should get that Benedict guy back - he owes us a pair of pants. MATILDA    [laughs and cries] SOUND    PHONE RINGS RENA    Voice mail? MATILDA    [much calmer] Voice mail.  Yeah. JESSE    [on voice mail]  What did you do to my wife?  All of a sudden she's laying down the law and saying she won't put up with me unless I toe the line!  Man!  She's even talking about us writing up some kind of contract!  Are you even listening? SOUND    BEEP END  

Adapted by Julie Hoverson, from a story by Tom Curry, as published in Astounding Stories in 1930 A new acquisition by the museum contains a dark dark secret! Cast List Betty Young  - Julia Carson Professor Walter Marble - Don Parris Professor Young - Charles Austin Miller Andrew Leffler - Mark Olson Rooney - Reynaud LeBeouf Smythe - Chuck Burke Doctor - Mitchell Carson Fred - Marshal Latham Guard - Reynaud LeBeouf Music by Wynn Erickson Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Charles Austin Miller Many thanks to Project Gutenberg and Librivox for curating these classic stories. "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?" ************************************************ From an Amber Block [From the story by Tom Curry, published in Astounding Stories, July, 1930] Cast: Professor Walter Marble, young scientist, 30 Professor Young, old museum curator, 55 Betty Young, daughter with a clipboard, 20 Andrew Leffler, millionaire dilettante, 48 Rooney, guard, 57 Smythe, janitor, 40 Doctor, 45 Fred, workman, 25 OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a special annex at the museum of natural history in 1930, can't you tell?  MUSIC Scene 1.    SOUND     ECHOING FOOTSTEPS SOUND    WOOD CRATES BEING DISMANTLED AND REMOVED PROF    These should prove especially valuable and interesting without a doubt, Marble, old man. MARBLE    Have they all been brought in and set up, professor? PROF    Check the manifest.  Betty dear, do you have that?  Should be on the clipboard. BETTY    Let's see.  Ah, yes - check, check - all checked off, present and accounted for.  seventeen huge lumps of prehistoric amber. PROF    I've told you time and time again not to bandy such unspecific terms.  Until we have them precisely dated, they are assumed to be common cretaceous amber. BETTY    Yes, father [correcting self] Professor.  But there's nothing common about the size of these pieces!  These are quite outside ...the standard deviation. SOUND    SHE WALKS ON A BIT BETTY    When you see bits of amber worked into jewelry, especially the ones with insects preserved in them, you just can't even picture something on this scale! MARBLE    It was tricky getting them out of the ground, too.  The workmen seemed afraid - didn't want to handle them for some silly reason. BETTY    Is that ...coal in the biggest one?  That dark center? MARBLE    I am inclined to believe it will prove to be some sort of black liquid, possibly a pocket of colophony. BETTY    Which is? MARBLE     [somewhat dismissive] An oil derived from amber.  [change of tone]  Professor Young? PROF    Yes? MARBLE    Even with the dark central void, I think that big one will turn out to be the largest single piece of amber ever mined.  PROF    It appears to be several tons.  It will take some maneuvering to get a proper weight on it.  Betty?  BETTY    Yes, Professor? PROF    Take this down.  Stone 1 - we'll call this large one "stone one"-- BETTY    Noted. PROF    Make up a card when you get a chance.  [back to describing] The amber is clear and pure in appearance, probably mixed with lignite. Yellow brown in color, irregular in shape. I think it is merely the thickness of the amber, and not any imperfections in its refractive structure, that make the central dark spot nothing more than a shadow. BETTY    It's like a small mountain! PROF    Nonsense.  Get some specific measurements.  Height; width through, say, four axes, at three equidistant levels.  BETTY    [resigned] Yes, professor. PROF    If you need help, Walter here is a dab hand with triangulation.  You'll help, won't you, Marble? MARBLE    Certainly.  Whatever you need.  Miss Betty, I think we had better begin by drawing a rough sketch of the block. Scene 2.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS, ACROSS THE ROOM, CONFIDENT STRIDES ENTER LEFFLER    [full of confidence] Well, well, well...what do you think of them? PROFESSOR    Ignore him. BETTY    Father!  You have to play nice.  He funds the research and gets to play philanthropic scientist. PROFESSOR    You mean pseudo-scientific philanthropist.  Yes, yes of course.  [up]  Mr. Leffler!  All present and accounted for! LEFFLER    [coming on] Everybody is talking about the big one!  Orling is coming to see, along with plenty of others.  Marble!  Did you happen to catch any stories the workmen down there were telling?  I'm thinking I'll publish something on the expedition, and that would be a great little chapter. MARBLE    I don't think it was actual stories.  Just general uneasiness and rumors of bad luck.  Something about a creature swimming in a lake of ink, but the translator says the local dialect was pretty difficult. LEFFLER    Well, monster or not, let's hope there's something good in there, something that will make all our effort worthwhile.  [walking away] Maybe I can come up with a few tales, just spice, you know... MARBLE    Superstition is curious, isn't it?  [chuckles] How can anyone think that a fossil of a creature, penned in such a cell for thousands and thousands of years, could do any harm? PROF    Superstition, by definition, is unreasonable. These amber blocks were mined in the Manchurian lignite deposits by Chinese coolies under Japanese masters. They believe anything over there. I remember working once with a crew of them that thought— BETTY    [off] [scream!] PROF    What is it, Betty dear? BETTY    It - it - it--! MARBLE    Her face is completely white! PROF    You'd better sit down. SOUND    SCUFFLE PROF    What is it that has put you into such a state? BETTY    I—I thought I saw something looking out, eyes that stared at me—-!  [laughs, but forced]  I suppose it was just Mr. Leffler's talk of monsters.  There's certainly nothing there now. PROF    Perhaps the Manchurian devil just likes beautiful young ladies, eh, Marble?  [chuckles] [walking off] Well, be careful, dear. If it takes a notion to jump out at you, call for me and I'll return presently and exorcise it. BETTY    [chuckles, but half hearted] I suppose you think I'm being hysterical, too, Mr. Marble? MARBLE    [musing] No-o-o. PROF    [coming back in]  Come along Betty, we must go home.  There's a long, interesting day ahead of us to-morrow, [going off again] and I want some time to read Orling's new work on matrices before we begin chipping at block number one. MARBLE    [confidential] I... I saw something, too.  Could it have been just some refraction of the light? BETTY    [gasp]  I—I don't know.  I thought I saw two terrible eyes glaring at me from the inky heart.  But when father laughed at me, I was ashamed and thought it was just my fancy. MARBLE    The center is liquid, I'm sure of it.  [beat] Well, we'll find out soon enough, once we get started. PROF    [off, commanding] Come along, Betty! BETTY    Be careful. SOUND    SHE WALKS OFF Scene 3.    MUSIC PROF    Betty?  Have you got the specimens we've laid out on tray 15 itemized yet? BETTY    Yessir!  8 ants, 14 mosquitoes, 32 unidentified insect portions and 3 bees. PROF    Very good.  We'll make a scientist out of you, yet.  [chuckles heartily] BETTY    I'm sure I've got plenty to do as it is.  You are being careful, aren't you? PROF    That's the dozenth or so time you've inquired.  What is it you expect to happen?  BETTY    I... I don't know. PROF    [condescending] The stones are carefully anchored so they won't fall over, and carefully protected by their canvas covers when we're not working on them.  BETTY    I know.  But do be careful. PROF    You think the fabled Manchurian beast is going to break out of that stone like a - like a chick out of an egg - and run amok?  BETTY    You said you plan to work your way into position to tap that dark central core.   PROF    Between our heaters and our chisels, we'll be through into the central mass sometime tomorrow.  It's getting much softer, now the outside shell is pierced.  Amber used to be called – still is in some cultures – the stone that burns. BETTY    [german name, but quiet]  Bernstein. PROF    Since not only does it become malleable when heated, it can actually return to its original resinous state – a state in which it is, once again, flammable! MARBLE    But, for our purposes, it is soft and permeable – much easier to dig through than say granite or basalt.  Pretty soon we'll find out whether we are right about it being liquid. We have to wait, and make some preparations for catching it, just in case. BETTY    [nervous]  Catching - what? MARBLE     The liquid, of course.  Some sort of large drainage pan should suffice. SOUND    DISTANT BELL PROF    And that is time.  SOUND    PEOPLE PUTTING THINGS AWAY, THE ROOM  QUIETING DOWN BETTY    Mr. Leffler wants to be here when the final breach is made.  Should I call him and issue a formal invite? PROF    Oh, don't bother me with him tonight.  [walks off] We can summon him quickly enough when we're nearly there - otherwise, he'll spend all day hovering about and getting in the way. MARBLE    Here's your coat, miss Young. BETTY    Thanks.  [sigh] I think it must have been my imagination.  I certainly didn't see anything odd today. MARBLE    Nor did I, but I kept thinking I heard dull scrapings from inside the block. My brain tells me I'm an imaginative fool, that nothing could be alive inside something that old - but just the same, I keep thinking about those eyes we thought we saw. [shaking it off] Just shows how far the imagination will take one. PROF    [calling from off] It's getting dark, Betty!  Better not stay here in the shadows or the devil will get you. I wonder if it will be Chinese or up-to-date American! BETTY    [laugh, slightly annoyed]  Funny how such smart men can sometimes be so dense. MARBLE    Oh? BETTY    Nothing.  Good night! SOUND    SHE WALKS Scene 4.    SOUND    DOOR OPENS ROONEY    Here you go, miss Young. BETTY    Night, Rooney! ROONEY    Stayin' late this evening, are you? BETTY    [going off] No, we're calling it a night, Rooney. SOUND    HER FEET GO OFF ROONEY    Good night, Miss Young. Sleep happy. BETTY    [from off] Thanks, Rooney! ROONEY    [whistles something irish] SOUND    BETTY'S FEET COME BACK ROONEY    Is there a problem, ma'am? BETTY    You'll be extra careful tonight, won't you? ROONEY    Well, miss, I'm always careful. Nobody can get in to harm anything while old Rooney's about. BETTY    [reluctant but urgent] I don't mean that. I want you to be careful yourself, when you're anywhere near this room to-night. ROONEY    [indulgent] Why, miss, what is there to be wary of? Nothing but some funny looking stones, far as I can see. BETTY    Of course. Scene 5.    MUSIC BETTY    [sleeping fitfully] oh… looking ...at... me! SOUND    TELEPHONE RINGS BETTY    [comes awake with a gasp] SOUND    GETS UP, OPENS DOOR PROF    [off] Hello? Yes, speaking. [annoyed] Good morning, Smythe. BETTY    Smythe?  At the Museum? PROF    Shh-shh!  [gasp]  My God! I—I can't believe it!  Is he dead? BETTY    Dead?  Who? PROF    I'll be right down, yes. SOUND    HANGS UP THE PHONE PROF    Dear, there's been a tragedy at the museum during the night. One of the guards has been killed. BETTY    Oh no!  Not Rooney! PROF    I don't know them by name.  Possibly by burglars.  And Smythe, who found him, wants me to come down and see if anything has been stolen. I must go at once. The body is in our laboratory.  Where did I leave my overcoat...? BETTY    [sniffled a bit]  Give me a minute to get dressed. PROF    No, no. No need. BETTY    [firm]  I'm going with you. PROF    You can come along later, once we have things ...tidied up a bit.  BETTY    I'll be all right. I promise you I will.  And you know I'm the only one who can keep your notes straight. MUSIC Scene 6.    AMB    MUSEUM SMYTHE     I've sent for an ambulance, Professor. PROF    Of course, Smythe.  Let me see the extent of the damage. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SMYTHE    Yes, of course.  The body is around on the left ...here?  Sir? PROF     I must check on the stones first.  See that nothing has been damaged. BETTY    [grumpy mutter] Of course.  Rooney's not going anywhere. PROF    Aha.  Nothing seems missing. BETTY    Father, they're too large for someone to just run off with. PROF    Why don't you go and check the trays in the lock room.  Make sure nothing portable has walked away. BETTY    Very well. PROF    Smythe?  The body? SMYTHE    Here. PROF    [musing]  No pulse.  Cold.  He's been dead some time. BETTY    [coming on] The lock on the room hasn't been tampered with, and – [gasp] PROF    There's nothing we can do for him, now.  It looks as though the poor fellow was set upon and stabbed a number of times by an assailant or assailants, whoever they were. BETTY    Poor Rooney!  He was so jolly and red-faced, but now - his skin is like chalk! PROF    Rather shrunken, too. Almost as if there's no blood left in his veins. BETTY    And that look on his face!  He must have been terrified of whoever killed him. MARBLE    There must have been several assassins; They beat him up frightfully.  It would take more than one man to do such damage. BETTY    [quietly] Poor man.  Who will tell his grandchildren? MARBLE    [quiet, sympathy] Yes. [up] His ribs are crushed in—see, this gash, Professor, that would be enough to cause death without any of the other wounds. BETTY    [to herself, horrible fascination] What are they looking at?  A horrible... blistered area under his arm?  And a gash – oh, that must be what killed him! PROF    Bloodless!  As I said!  It is as if the blood had been pumped out of the body! MARBLE    And yet not much blood on the ground.  I only see a couple of splotches, and those look like they're from more superficial cuts. PROF    Maybe he was dragged here from another room.  Perhaps the thieves were here to steal something in another part of the museum.  Seems to me that men desperate enough to commit such a murder would not leave without trying to get what they came after. MARBLE    Unless, of course, the killing of the guard frightened them away before they could get to their booty. SOUND    FEET APPROACH SMYTHE    I brought that doctor you asked for, Professor Young. MARBLE    Any idea when this happened, Smythe? SMYTHE    Well, he punched the clock in here at two A.M. - I seen that. MARBLE    And he never made it to his next punch? SMYTHE    Nope.  [heavy sigh] And it's the last time he'll ever do his duty, poor feller. DOCTOR    Curious odor.  [sniffs] It smells like musk, but is fetid. I suppose it's some chemical you use in your lab here? PROF    I noticed that, too.  Nothing I recognize.  Marble?  Where did he get to?  Marble? MARBLE    [off] There are wavy black lines on the tiles, leading around back of the block! PROF    You will have to be more specific.  Wavy lines indeed! MARBLE    [moving further off] come and look, then!  They go around the back, and – good god! BETTY    What?  SOUND    PEOPLE DASH TO LOOK BETTY    That - that dark “hollow” in the stone – it's completely open! PROF    Marble, get me samples of that liquid before it all evaporates, would you?  Didn't anyone think to check behind the block here?  BETTY    Everyone was pretty distracted by Rooney. PROF    [dismissive] The corpse?  I suppose, but he's certainly in no further danger. BETTY    [quiet but intense] You're more interested in your black liquid then a man who lost his life. MARBLE    [off]  It's not liquid at all!  At least not any more.  It's nearly all dried, Professor Young. [musing] Dried into those strange wavy runnels and patterns... BETTY    It looks like black lacquer.  And that smell.  I see what the doctor meant! PROF    Our chipping and hammering and the heat of the radiator causing it to expand must have forced out the sepia, or whatever it is.  [disappointed sigh] I had hoped that inside the liquid we would discover a fossil of value. MARBLE    Yes... MUSIC Scene 7.    AMB    CROWD TALKING, OFF MARBLE    Look here Betty, I guess it's just you and me that might have seen this… thing. BETTY    That hole in the amber – it's awful big!  Who knows WHAT might have been inside? MARBLE    [dubious] Could have been nothing at all… BETTY    Did that black stain look like it could have been enough to fill the entire cavity?  I'm quite sure it was full. MARBLE    I'll poke around a bit. BETTY    Be careful! MARBLE    I will.  Say, from here, does the giant block look like it's been moved? BETTY    Hold on – I have some sketches. SOUND    FLIPPING PAPERS ON HER CLIPBOARD BETTY    Gosh!  You're right!  It's shifted just a bit!  But it – it's huge!  Tons, Father said.  [rationalizing]  Oh! It must have been the explosion- or expulsion – of all that liquid.  That might very well have shifted it, mightn't it? MARBLE    [dubious] Maybe. BETTY    You're worried about those marks in the black gunk, aren't you?  MARBLE    They look like claw marks, not mere natural striations.   BETTY    Professor Marble?  Please don't look any longer. Let's leave this terrible place - for the day, anyway - until we see what happens in the next twenty-four hours. MARBLE    I must make a search.  My brain calls me a fool, but just the same, I'm worried. BETTY    Do you really think ...? MARBLE    I fear so. MUSIC Scene 8.    BETTY    Is there any further word on the murder? MARBLE    Your father has dismissed it as a botched theft attempt. BETTY    I – I can't believe it.  And what about the blood? MARBLE    The blood? BETTY    Father may be able to disregard it, but he's the one who pointed out that all of poor Rooney's blood was… missing.  Were there any other signs of struggle?  Anywhere?  Or even some sign of a break-in? MARBLE    No.  [dubious] But it might be the work of a slick professional cracksman. BETTY    And how many of those would rather randomly kill a man than hide until the guard has gone on along his rounds, tell me that? MARBLE    [chuckle] I didn't say that was MY opinion. BETTY    I'm going to try to take father home, right after lunch, if he'll go. He's so stubborn.  If you must stay, would you – please – carry a gun? MARBLE    Very well.  Not that I think it would be of much use, if I did find—-[cuts himself off] SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN, IMPERIOUS FEET ENTER LEFFLER    [from across the room]  What's this I hear?  A watchman killed in the night? Carelessness, man, carelessness! MARBLE    [quiet] Betty, see if your father needs anything. BETTY    Good idea. LEFFLER    The authorities here are absurd! They hold priceless treasures and yet they allow thieves to enter and wreak their will. [arrived] You, Marble! What's all this mean? MARBLE    We do the best we can, Mr. Leffler.   It is unlikely that anyone would wish to, let alone be ABLE to, steal such a thing as that block of amber. LEFFLER    And why not?  It cost ME thousands of dollars! MARBLE    It took the use of several large machines and a good deal of manpower to bring it INTO this room.  Any attempt to similarly leave – well, it would hardly pass unnoticed. LEFFLER    Hogwash!  I understand it's been broken into!  There's pieces of my beautiful stone gone missing, mark my words! SOUND    BELL BETTY    It's time for lunch, Professor Marble. MARBLE    You'll excuse us?  Good. SOUND    THEY WALK AWAY, LEAVING LEFFLER    [fading as they leave] OF all the things!  I have contributed considerable sums to this museum, and to see my money treated as if it were no more valuable than the general run of arrowheads and pot shards! MARBLE    Phew.  Thanks for coming to my rescue. BETTY    He'll still be at it when we get back. MARBLE    yes, but I will have had some coffee! SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CUTTING OFF LEFFLER MARBLE    Poor Rooney.  It's been preying on me.  Betty, I feel more or less responsible, in a way. BETTY    No, no! How could you have foreseen such a thing? MARBLE    Those eyes. I shouldn't have discounted what we saw.  I should have taken precautions. But I had no idea it could burst from its prison. BETTY    You will get a revolver before you search further?  [firm] I'm going to, too. Smythe has one, and I know he'll lend it to me. MARBLE    I believe Leffler has seen something, too. That's why he keeps talking about it being our fault. His talk about the devil inside the block was half in earnest. BETTY    He never seemed to take it any more seriously than – than father does! MARBLE    Perhaps he put it down to imagination, or even did not think this fossil could be dangerous. BETTY    I think Rooney could show them the error of their assumptions. MUSIC Scene 9.    SOUND    OUTSIDE BETTY    There's some kind of commotion at the museum entrance! MARBLE    Figures.  We leave the building for just long enough to eat, and something happens! SOUND    CROWD MURMURS GUARD    Stay back, folks.  The museum is closed. MARBLE    Let us through! GUARD    The museum is closed to the public, sir! MARBLE    I'm not the public!  I insist you tell me what's going on! GUARD    Come inside, then both of you.  SOUND    DOOR SHUTS, CLOSING OUT CROWD GUARD    Somethin's happened up in the paleontological laboratories.  Dunno just what, but orders come down to clear the rooms and not let anybody in but members of the staff, sir. MARBLE    Blast!  SOUND    QUICK WALKING BETTY    Walter!  Please wait!  Get yourself a gun. MARBLE    All right. You! GUARD    Me? MARBLE    [to guard] Give me your gun.  [to her] Betty, you need to stay here, where it's safe. BETTY    I'm going with you. MARBLE    As a senior staff member to a junior one, I order you to remain downstairs. BETTY    Hmph.  Very well. SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS GO ONE WAY, THEN HER FOOTSTEPS GO OFF IN ANOTHER DIRECTION Scene 10.    MUSIC SOUND    CHECKING AMMO IN A GUN SOUND    BETTY STRIDING PURPOSEFULLY BETTY    [talking to herself]  Good.  I knew Smythe would come through for me.  Marble may be a bright fellow, but anyone could see another gun will come in handy— SOUND    RUNNING FEET COMING FRED    [panic heavy breathing] BETTY    What is it?  Fred!  Look at me!  Tell me what's going on! FRED    [gasping and babbling] There was a black fog—I saw a red snake with legs— BETTY    A what? Oh no! You get on out of here! FRED    B-but where are you going? BETTY    To make sure the professors are all right! Scene 11.    SOUND    HER RUNNING FEET, THEY SLOW BETTY    [coughing] What's that [cough] in the air.  Phew!  It smells like—[suddenly alert] It smells like whatever came out of that stone! LEFFLER    [distant horrible SCREAM] BETTY    Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS, GASPING, THROUGH THE FOG BETTY    [muttered] It just keeps getting thicker and thicker – I can barely see!  [up] Walter?? SOUND    FOOTSTEPS SLOW, PATTING ALONG WITH HAND BETTY    Ah, the door. LEFFLER    [whimpering, distant] SOUND    DRAGGING JUICY AWFUL NOISES BETTY    [sharp whisper]  Where are you? LEFFLER    [whimpery scream, cut off – urk!] BETTY    If only the sun would come out, the skylights might cut through some of this murk!  [up] Walter! MARBLE    [quiet but urgent] Go back, Betty, go back! SOUND    HER SLOW STEPS MARBLE    [disgust and sorrow] Oh, Leffler! [groan] BETTY    [gasp]  Here you are! MARBLE    I told you to get out of here! BETTY    Is he hurt? MARBLE    He's dead.  Just like Rooney, far as I can tell. BETTY    But he just twitched! MARBLE    Something must have a hold on him! BETTY    Some thing?  [screams] SOUND    SHE RUNS MARBLE    Get out of here, Betty!  Get to safety! SOUND    SLITHERY NOISE MARBLE    I'll keep anything from following you. BETTY    [scream breaks off with noise of effort] SOUND    SMASH OF GLASS Scene 12.    MARBLE    What are you doing? BETTY    Terrified or not, I'm not leaving you, Walter!  [noise of effort] SOUND    ANOTHER WINDOW BREAKS BETTY    But unless we get some air in here, that nasty haze will be our undoing! MARBLE    [astonished]  Good girl!  It's starting to clear a bit.  BETTY    Where are you?  I can see Leffler's … body… now, but--  Walter? MARBLE    [loud whisper] Stay clear of the amber.  BETTY    Which one? MARBLE    [loud whisper]  All of them.  I think IT is hiding among them, somewhere. BETTY    How can we tell? MARBLE    [strange urgency] Betty, please go outside and call some of the men. BETTY    What are you looking ...at...?  Oh.  That black smoke – that's not moving because of the open window, is it? MARBLE    [strained, conversational]  It's coming out from under that canvas cover.  BETTY    [shocked but trying to sound calm] That's where it is! MARBLE    The cover is too big to move all in one go by myself. BETTY    I can get— MARBLE    Don't come any closer! BETTY    I'll grab the rope from here – between us, we can flip it! SOUND    SUCKING TENTACLE NOISE BETTY    [stifled noise of horror] MARBLE    Well, it's definitely under there. SOUND    ANOTHER SLITHER MARBLE    All right... now! SOUND    FLAP OF CLOTH Scene 13.    MONSTER    [hiss] BETTY    [scream] MONSTER    [shriek] MARBLE    All red, with black patches!  Reptilian, but some sort of secondary nostrils on the – aha!  That's where the black miasma in the air comes from! BETTY    IS coming from!  It's trying to blind us with its smokescreen. MARBLE    Did you see where it went? BETTY     Other side of the block, I think!  Oh, that smell! MARBLE    It must have been right there, under the canvas, all day. BETTY     Within arm's reach of the whole staff?  How awful! MARBLE    [disgust] It came out only when there was comparative quiet, to get its food.... BETTY    We-we must kill it!  [slower] We... must… MARBLE     Betty!  Its eyes – they're hypnotizing her Like a snake!  Snap out of it, Betty! SOUND    SLITHERING SLURPING NOISE MARBLE    Betty! SOUND    THUMP, SKID, AS HE KNOCKS HER OVER, GETTING HER OUT OF THE WAY BETTY    [snapping out of it] Its mouth – that long fanged tongue! MARBLE    [noting to self]  It has the thick body of an immense python and the clawed legs of a dinosaur. BETTY    And it's horrible! MARBLE    But it also appears to have tentacles, like some sort of terrestrial octopus.... BETTY    Still horrible! MARBLE    Betty, no one has ever had such an experience as this, seen such a sight, and lived to tell of it. It must be ravenous with hunger, shut up in its amber cell inside the black fluid. I— SOUND    WHISTLING HISS – INTAKE OF AIR BETTY     I have a feeling it's about to blow! MARBLE    I think it's armored.  I'll have to aim for the head. SOUND    SIX SHOTS BETTY    [screaming]  It's coming!  SOUND    WEIRD SLITHER THUMP AS IT MOVES BETTY    Come on! SOUND    THEY BACK AWAY MARBLE    It's in front of the door! BETTY    We can't go out the window!  We're too high up!  Here. SOUND    HANDS HIM GUN BETTY    I counted and you're just about out. SOUND    CLICK MARBLE    Good gravy you're right.  [ugh, throws the empty gun]  Thanks.  Now you get moving while I distract it!  Hurry!  Run for your life! BETTY    Oh, Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS SOUND    SLITHER, SNAP, GUNSHOTS BETTY    [off] Oh, there MUST be something! Aha! [Ugn!  Breaks glass case] SOUND    GLASS BREAKS, GRABS FIRE AXE SOUND    MONSTER LUNGES AT MARBLE, MORE GUNSHOTS, CLICK BETTY    [muttered] I won't let you die, Walter! SOUND    SHE RUNS, THEN BETTY    UGN!!!! SOUND    CHOP OF AXE INTO FLESH MONSTER    [HORRIBLE SCREAM!] MARBLE    No! Over here, you beast!  Keep looking at me! BETTY    And again! SOUND    THUMP, SQUISH MONSTER    Scream! SOUND    THRASHING MARBLE    Look out Betty!  The tail! BETTY    What?  Ugh! [smacked down] SOUND    BODY DROP MARBLE     No!  Betty! FADE INTO BLACKNESS AND SILENCE Scene 14.    MUSIC STUMBLES IN BETTY    [waking, muttering] What??  What happened?  [sudden gasp, freaking out] The monster! MARBLE    [manly agony] Oh, my darling!  Are you badly hurt? BETTY    [calming down] No.  I'm—I'm all right. But—but Walter—did it—? PROF    He's fine, but the monster is hacked to pieces, and don't think I'm simply using an unscientific term. MARBLE    I – i- when I saw you fall, I think I went a bit mad.  And then the axe was in my hand, and – PROF    [stern] And he utterly mutilated a marvelous and unique specimen. BETTY    Father!  We could have been killed! PROF    [relenting] Well, there are still some remains to examine.  They're taking the rest of it away now. PROF    I think we will find it to be some sort of missing link between the dinosaurs and mososaurs. Thus, the tentacles. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY PROF    [lecturing as he leaves] It is surely unbelievable that such a creature should be found alive; but perhaps it can be explained. It is related to the amphibians and was able to live in or out of the water. MARBLE    Hmph.  Oh, to the devil with paleontology, Betty. You saved my life. Come out and let's get married. I love you. PROF    [droning on in the background] Now, we have many instances of reptiles such as lizards and toads penned up in solid rock but surviving for hundreds of years. BETTY    At least we're safe, Walter. And unique! MARBLE    How's that? BETTY    It's not every woman who is helped by a living fossil to make the man she loves realize he loves her! PROF    Evidently this great reptile went through the same sort of experience. I would say that there has been some great upheaval of nature, that the reptile was caught in its prison of amber thousands and thousands of years ago. Through hibernation and perhaps a preservative drug it emitted in the black fluid, this creature has been able to survive its long imprisonment. Naturally, when it was released by the cutting away of part of the amber which penned it in, it burst its cell, ravenous with hunger. SOUND    HE FADES OUT INTO CLOSING MUSIC ENDING  

Charles takes the lead again, recounting the adventures of an unfortunate uncle.   Cast List Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Randolph - Sebastian Orr Elihu, uncle - Charles Austin Miller Ann, servant - Julie Hoverson Music by incompetech.com and a-mclassical.com Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson / Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's Charles' study again, can't you tell?" ********************************************************************** THE SHUNNED HOUSE (Lovecraft 5, #6) Cast: Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Herbert, a scientist Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Randolph, cousin Elihu, uncle Ann, servant   OLIVIA     [opening credits] Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, we've returned to Charles' comfortable brownstone, can't you tell?  Scene 1.    MUSIC SOUND     MUSIC PLAYS CHARLES    I should warn you all from the outset that this is a rather more mundane story than most of those brought to this gathering. EDWARD    As long as you feed me this well, Charles, I'd listen to a story about a dog. RICHARD    Oh?  I know this fellow in Andalusia...  A friend of a friend. CHARLES    [cutting in] My story involves... a vampire. EDWARD    And you tell us?  Right up front?  That's poor narrative framing. CHARLES    No, no, there's a perfectly good reason to get it out in the open right away. HERBERT    Vampires?  Haven't they been adequately explained by contemporary science? CHARLES    See?  WARREN    The existence of vampires has been .. debatable... for several centuries. EDWARD    Ah. HERBERT    The vampire myth is almost certainly explainable.  Most simply by common or garden anemia-- WARREN    Or any number of similarly communicable diseases, for example, consumption-- HERBERT    Tuberculosis. WARREN    --which, until very recently, were often attributed to supernatural origin. HERBERT    But now, with our understanding of germs and the vectors of infection, vampires must be relegated to the vast list of creatures that have been debunked. CHARLES    [aside] I'll give Warren and Herbert one more minute. RICHARD    I'm just stunned that they seem to be on the same side.  Science and History are usually at odds. EDWARD    Fiction can go either way.  WARREN    It's fascinating to consider the mindset that created a myth such as that of the vampire.  RICHARD    Created?  You think someone sat down and designed them, like a new model of automobile? WARREN    Created it to account for otherwise inexplicable events.  EDWARD    More like a detective, trying to piece together a crime from the clues. WARREN    Do you know that in historical folklore, vampires were said to always return and prey on members of their own family before passing to others? HERBERT    Again, a simple disease contagion statistic.  With the substandard hygiene of past eras, it was almost inevitable that those in close proximity to a dying person were the most likely-- CHARLES    Enough!  [moment of silence] Scene 2.    CHARLES    Thank you for the erudite exposition.  I'm quite sure we'll come back to this throughout the lecture. EDWARD    [laughing] Please raise your hand if you have any questions. RICHARD    Over here? CHARLES    [chuckling]  The chair recognizes the commissioner for art.  Richard? RICHARD    Thank you.  My question - does the name Stoker come into this story anywhere? CHARLES    No.  Despite the nature of the central creature involved, or supposedly involved, the story has a long and verifiable history, which began well before any of such contemporary novels appeared on bookstands.  EDWARD    I dunno - there have been similar creatures haunting Gothic novels for nearly two centuries. WARREN    Aren't they all explained away by the end of the book?  EDWARD    Only in Radcliffe. RICHARD    You need a gavel, Charles, so you can call us to order. Scene 3.    CHARLES    My story is about a house. EDWARD    A vampire house? [laughs] CHARLES    Well....  A cursed house. WARREN    A curse?  AND a vampire? EDWARD    Do you mean a house in the sense of a family line or a physical house? CHARLES    The latter.  This house happens to be in Providence.  And while I could lie and tell you this was another personal experience, in truth, it happened to a cousin of mine. EDWARD    Your cousin is a vampire house? HERBERT    You forgot to raise your hand, Edward. CHARLES    This particular area of Providence was haunted by Poe in his day.  Sometime in the 1840s, he was wont to pass by this very house on visits to the poetess Mrs. Whitman.  RICHARD    Whitman?  Should we know her? EDWARD    We certainly know Poe. CHARLES    She was an ardent spiritist and something of an early suffragette.  I haven't come across any of her writings myself.  Almost as much a draw as the lady, though, St. John's churchyard was also along Poe's route. EDWARD    Is Poe in this story? CHARLES    He's merely making an appearance for historical perspective.  Setting the time and place. WARREN    Understood. CHARLES    The point - the irony is this - the world's greatest master of the terrible and the bizarre regularly passed a particular house on the eastern side of the street; a dingy, antiquated structure perched on the abruptly rising side hill.  There is no evidence that he even noticed it.  And yet that house, to certain persons, equals or outranks in horror Poe's wildest phantasy. EDWARD    [avid] Now we get into it! CHARLES    The house was - and for that matter still is - of a kind to attract the attention of the curious.  It followed the colonial lines of the middle eighteenth century - the prosperous peaked-roof sort of farm house; two stories; dormerless attic; Georgian doorway and interior paneling. RICHARD    All the best accoutrements of the mid 1700s? CHARLES    Ayup.  Facing south, it's buried to the lower windows in the hillside, and exposed to the foundations on the street. RICHARD    [knowing] I've seen a few of those. CHARLES    Its construction, over a century and a half ago, followed hard upon the rerouting of the nearby road.  Benefit Street - at the time called Back Street - wound through the graveyards of the first settlers.  It was straightened only when the removal of the bodies to the North Burial Ground made it decently possible to cut across the old family plots. EDWARD    Aha! HERBERT    A house built over the miasmatic remains of a graveyard?  Simply begging for some festering disease to seep in through the foundation. Scene 4.    WARREN    Uh... May I? CHARLES    Recognized. WARREN    When you speak of this being a "vampire", do you specifically speak of a walking corpse that drinks blood, or the more classic creature of folklore which is something like a stealer of soul or essence? HERBERT    Warren!  You sounded almost impartial before, and now this? WARREN    Whether or not I believe in such a creature, it's important to uncover what the people involved believe, regardless of the underlying source. HERBERT    Hmph. CHARLES    I may have to leave the ultimate decision up to you as to what particular phylum this entity falls into. HERBERT    Don't try to make taxonomical jokes.  It doesn't suit you. CHARLES    Moving on.  I should point out that while I was not a witness to all the events of my story, I have been to - and in fact, been in - the house in question. EDWARD    Do tell? CHARLES    Boys will be boys, and visits in my youth to my cousin-- EDWARD    The one who witnessed these events? CHARLES    Ayup.  Visits with his family every summer.  And many boyish dares ended with someone venturing into the empty, foreboding edifice. WARREN    Empty?  Providence isn't a place where houses generally stand empty for long. CHARLES    Precisely.  And this one should have been occupied, except for-- EDWARD    The vampire?  Or the Curse?  The Curse of the Vampire? CHARLES    Not precisely.  You see the house wasn't associated with anything like that at the time, it was simply thought... unlucky. HERBERT    [very snide] Oh, yes.  That's much more classifiable. CHARLES    People just kept dying in the house.  Individually, they were generally attributed to something more along the lines you've suggested, Herbert - bad air, foul fungus in the basement, something material and accountable, and yet... EDWARD    Yet? Scene 5.    CHARLES    That's for later.  There's quite a tragic history to the house, which I will touch upon, but let me finish with my own impressions first - the facts, anyway.  HERBERT    Well, I can agree with that. CHARLES    It was the dank, humid cellar which exerted the strongest repulsion on us - even though it was wholly aboveground on the street side, with only a thin door and window-pierced brick wall to separate it from the busy sidewalk.  We scarcely knew whether to haunt it in spectral fascination, or to shun it for the sake of our souls and our sanity. HERBERT    Facts, he says.  Hmph. CHARLES    For one thing, the bad odour of the house was strongest there; and there were white fungous growths which occasionally sprang up in rainy summer weather from the hard earthen floor. HERBERT    What kind of fungi? CHARLES    I'm no expert.  Something between toadstools and Indian pipes?  They rotted and became slightly phosphorescent; so that nocturnal passers-by sometimes spoke of witch-fires glowing behind the broken panes of the foetor-spreading windows. RICHARD    [shudder]  Interesting.  [musing] True phosphorescence is a colour that's so hard to capture...  CHARLES    We never - even in our wildest Hallowe'en moods - visited this cellar by night, but in some of our daytime visits could detect the glowing of the fungi, especially when the day was dark and wet.  And something else... [trails off] WARREN    [sincere] It really bothered you, didn't it? CHARLES    Distressing events have so much more influence when one is impressionable ...and young.  [shaking it off]  Lets have a bit more of vampires while I regain my composure - meaning while I fetch myself something to drink.  Warren, if you would?  Scene 6.    WARREN    Oh, well...  Some basic facts, then.  Vampires were originally believed to be a form of revenant - the returning spirit of a recently deceased person, not a physical manifestation at all.  EDWARD    Really?  Not bloated corpses returning to gorge on the gore of gorgeous...um, gamines? RICHARD    [laughs]  Gratuitous.  I believe it was Stoker who started a lot of what most people think of as "vampire traditions?" WARREN    I confess I am not particularly conversant with the novel.  I'm not much for such sensational fiction. EDWARD    I am. RICHARD    I am. HERBERT    Don't look at me. EDWARD    Go on. RICHARD    [prompting] They drink blood? WARREN    Probably attributable to either anemia, as Herbert suggested, or to any number of wasting diseases that plagued people.  EDWARD    But what about the bite marks? HERBERT    Disease sores.  Or the predation of rats.  Which, in turn, spread disease.  WARREN    Very likely.  Rats have lived cheek and jowl with humans since the dawn of civilization. RICHARD    Stoker did make the connection between his vampire and rats - he was supposed to be able to summon and control them. HERBERT    If you consider the "vampire" as symbolic of disease, then its presumed connection to rats is fairly logical. RICHARD    But Dracula also couldn't enter a home without being invited? CHARLES    [drink - ahh] On the other hand, we boys could, and did.  Why don't I take my narrative back up? Scene 7.    WARREN    Go ahead.  CHARLES    I won't be able to adequately describe the place to convey the depth of the horror we felt in its presence.  EDWARD    We promise to laugh quietly. CHARLES    No need.  [deep breath, bracing himself]  There was this sort of cloudy whitish pattern on the dirt floor - a vague, shifting deposit of mould or nitre which we usually seemed to be able to trace out amidst the sparse fungous growths near the huge fireplace of the basement kitchen. EDWARD    Something carved into the floor? CHARLES    Floor was dirt.  No.  This patch... it bore an uncanny resemblance to a doubled-up human figure.  RICHARD    Like some sort of primitive grave-marking? CHARLES    [growing haunted] On one certain rainy afternoon I fancied I glimpsed a thin, yellowish, shimmering exhalation rising from the nitrous pattern toward the yawning fireplace.  [brisk]  Shortly after, my cousin and I broached this to our uncle. WARREN    Perhaps you could put names to these people?  CHARLES    Of course.  My cousin - well, I'll just call him Randolph, and our uncle's name is Elihu Whipple.  Doctor Elihu Whipple. WARREN    Whipple?  I know him - or have met him, but didn't he recently--? CHARLES    [cutting him off]  Yes, yes.  I'll get there. EDWARD    Ooh!  A mystery. CHARLES    Uncle Elihu never pooh-poohed our concerns about the house.  As it turned out he'd done a good deal of research on it, himself. RICHARD    The house is still standing, is it?  Might be worth making a day trip to Providence - or rather a night trip. CHARLES    Probably futile - the house has been cleaned and is once more gainfully employed. EDWARD    A happy ending?  To a vampire story?  Say it isn't so! WARREN    [grim] Not as happy as all that, I warrant. EDWARD    Not fair!  You know something! RICHARD    How do you mean the house has been cleaned? CHARLES    Everything natural around the house used to be ... wrong.  From the aforementioned fungus to the tree roots that grew into the cellar, and the weeds that flourished in the back yard - everything was twisted and flabby and somehow unnatural.  And now-- EDWARD    All better? CHARLES    Yes.  But at a cost. WARREN    [serious] Yes. CHARLES    The history of the house is long-winded, statistical, and drearily genealogical, but there runs through it a continuous thread of brooding, tenacious horror and preternatural malevolence.  My cousin and uncle apparently became obsessed with charting every death possibly attributable to the house. WARREN    [carefully choosing his words to not give anything away] I never fancied Whipple as an historian? CHARLES    A physician and amateur antiquarian.  And yet, he approached the problem much as Herbert might - as a technical one.  Hygiene and germs. HERBERT    Oh.  A realist.  In your family?  CHARLES    Yes.  Well, every herd has its black sheep.  Now, the origin of the house, amidst a maze of dates, revealed no trace of the sinister.  It was built by a merchant, William Harris. Scene 8.    EDWARD    Built on a recently moved graveyard? CHARLES    A recently-straightened part of the street, anyway.  EDWARD    But there must be something? CHARLES    Actually, from what I understand, the land the house stands upon was never marked for graves.  EDWARD    Why bring up the graves, then, if they're not relevant? RICHARD    Setting tone.   WARREN    Of course, vampires were supposed to be buried in unhallowed ground, like suicides, so the LACK of a consecrated churchyard is possibly just as significant. CHARLES    The following spring, sickness occurred among the Harris children, and two of the four died within a month.   HERBERT    Children are particularly susceptible to many kinds of disease. CHARLES    And one of the two servants died of it in the following June.  The remaining servant, Eli, constantly complained of weakness.  WARREN    Servants have traditionally been drawn from the lower classes, who in turn tend to be more superstitious, and therefore more inclined to give credence to, and in turn be affected by, such things. CHARLES    Eli died the next year, as did the master of the house and a third of the four children.  WARREN    Goodness! CHARLES    The widow fell victim to insanity, after such a series of tragedies, and was thereafter confined to the upper part of the house.  This was in 1768. EDWARD    This story is starting to sound oddly familiar.  Was there a meteorite involved? HERBERT    [scoffing] In Providence? CHARLES    The widow's sister, Mercy Dexter, moved in to take charge of the family. Mercy was a plain, raw-boned woman of great strength, but her health visibly declined from the time of her arrival. EDWARD    Now it sounds like Luella Miller. HERBERT    You would think that by this time they would have the sense to move out.  EDWARD    Or get in an exorcist. HERBERT    Nonsense.  It's more likely something toxic in the groundwater - arsenic, perhaps.  Slight traces can cause anemia and wasting as it builds up in the body's vital organs. CHARLES    So many deaths and a case of madness, all within five years, started strange rumours. RICHARD    Rumors?  Nonsense.  This is a definite pattern.  Herbert?  You agree? HERBERT    [definite] Arsenic.  Or one of the other heavy metals.  Perhaps Thallium?  Did anyone suffer from hair loss? CHARLES    There were other symptoms.  The poor widow, in her madness, gave voice to dreams and imaginings of the most hideous sort. HERBERT    Fever rantings. CHARLES    Her terrors periodically necessitated her remaining son's residence with a cousin.  He improved during these visits, and, had Mercy been as wise as she was well-meaning, she would have let him live away permanently. WARREN    What sort of direction did this madness take?  Paranoia? Scene 9.    CHARLES    Now, William, the one remaining child of this unfortunate house, broke away from the place in his teens by enlisting - what with the [ahem] trouble with Great Britain. EDWARD    What trouble? WARREN    [hinting]  Consider the year? EDWARD    I don't know what year we're at.  I haven't been taking notes.  CHARLES    1775. EDWARD    Oh, of course. CHARLES    William was away for the duration, married, and returned to his family home to find tragedy.  RICHARD    No "Mercy"? CHARLES    Mercy was still there, but her once robust frame had undergone curious decay, so that she was now a stooped and pathetic figure with hollow voice and disconcerting pallor.  HERBERT    Did feeblemindedness run in the family as well?  Wasn't this a clear enough hint? CHARLES    William, now an adult witnessing these events, quickly arranged for the building of a new and finer house... across town. HERBERT    Finally! CHARLES    And closed the house on Benefit Street.  WARREN    Probably for the best. EDWARD    Are we nearing 1800 yet? CHARLES    Almost.  William and his wife passed away in the yellow fever epidemic of 1797, leaving their child in the care of a cousin, Rathbone Harris. RICHARD    Now there's a name! CHARLES    Rathbone was a practical man, and rented the Benefit Street house despite dead William's wish that it remain vacant. He did not concern himself with the deaths and illnesses which caused so many changes of tenants, or the steadily growing aversion with which the house was generally regarded. EDWARD    He's lucky no one held him responsible. HERBERT    As if one could sue over poor living conditions! CHARLES    In 1804, the town council ordered the place fumigated with sulphur, tar and gum camphor due to several more deaths - presumably caused by the passing fever epidemic. HERBERT    [dismissive]  Might as well wear pointed masks and wave nosegays. WARREN    I'm sure they did the best they could with the science they had.  CHARLES    Several generations passed, with the house standing empty. HERBERT    And yet, whether operating under rank superstition or sound scientific principals, it never occurred to them to simply tear it down, clear the ground, and begin anew with clean pipes from a municipal water source? CHARLES    No, indeed, but it never rented again after the series of deaths culminating in 1861. EDWARD    So when you braved its depths, it had lain fallow for some ... 50 years? CHARLES    I'm a bit older than that, but that's a good round number to work with.  Fifty years empty - and fifty years hungry. RICHARD    So we are now at the present, and your cousin Randolph enters the stage? CHARLES    Carrington Harris, last of the male line, had meant to tear the place down and build an apartment house on the site-- HERBERT    Finally, another sane one. CHARLES    But Randolph convinced him to allow them to look into it first.  EDWARD    With the history you've given - I'll agree it shows a pattern of misfortune, but what, precisely, made you think of vampires, and not ghosts or curses, or poison, or any of the other various explanations we've found? CHARLES    Well, it was one of the original servants who started talking vampires.  She was a superstitious Exeter woman, and you know how they can be. Scene 10.    ANN    Some remnant must lie nearby, mayhap under this very house!  Doomed to sup off the blood or breath of god-fearing folk!  My own grand-dam told me time and again, Ann, she said, to destroy such a hellion, ye must find its earthly shell, and burn its black and festering heart!  EDWARD    Not a stake through the heart and cutting off its head? RICHARD    Perhaps that was "plan B". CHARLES    As she was sacked and left the house relatively unscathed, this servant Ann's stories spread far and wide. WARREN    So that is one. CHARLES    One what? WARREN    Reason to bring up vampires. HERBERT    Hardly a credible witness. CHARLES    Ah yes.  There was also the raving. EDWARD    The widow? CHARLES    Rhoby Harris.  Hers, and others.  Among the people who died in that house, a large percentage were subject to such ranting. HERBERT    Again, not unnatural in certain kind of fevers. [CHARLES BEGINS TO BUILD FROM HERE] CHARLES    In their more lucid moments, several of the afflicted went on about sharp teethed, glassy-eyes creatures that crouched on their chests and scratched at their necks? RICHARD    Fuseli's "Nightmare" comes to mind.  An imp sitting on the chest of a sleeping woman?  Though it always looked a bit more bemused than threatening to me. EDWARD    And then there's cats who steal the breath from babies. WARREN    Some demonic images are universal - at least among the various Christian branches. CHARLES    In the last throes of their disease, many of these afflicted even began to foam and bite and scratch at their caretakers! HERBERT    Hydrophobia?  Perhaps rabid rats lurking in the walls? [CLIMAX OF CHARLES' POINTS] CHARLES    And all of them ranting in guttural French?  A language not ONE of the afflicted was familiar with? [moment of silence] Scene 11.    RICHARD    [hesitant] oh.  Um...  are they quite sure it was French? WARREN    How could they mistake French?  Unless it was, say, Belgian. RICHARD    I've traveled in Europe.  If you speak NO languages but English, all languages are equally incomprehensible - at least, at first. HERBERT    What makes you think that no one around the afflicted spoke French? RICHARD    Charles specified that none of the victims spoke any French.  How many people can live with, or even around, a speaker of another language and not pick up a few words? CHARLES    Bravo, Richard!  RICHARD    And, unlike, say, New Orleans, in New England, French speakers have traditionally been a bit light on the ground.  CHARLES    Oddly, that leads me to the next part of the story. WARREN    The French? CHARLES    Following up on the French connection, Randolph and Elihu uncovered historical references to a French family who settled in the area long before this house was built. EDWARD    And were buried there, right? RICHARD    Shh. CHARLES    A lease from 1697, showed a small tract of ground being let to an Etienne Roulet. WARREN    Roulet?  Why does that sound familiar? CHARLES    And yes, the Roulets had laid out their graveyard behind their cottage, and no record of any transfer of graves existed. EDWARD    Hah!  And why were they in the area?  On the run from witch trials? Scene 12.    CHARLES    The Edict of Nantes, actually. EDWARD    The what? WARREN    Huguenots? CHARLES    Precisely. EDWARD    [louder] What? WARREN    French protestants, driven out of France after the country declared itself definitely Catholic.  And it wouldn't be the Edict that drove them out - that was earlier. EDWARD    Wasn't there something about Huguenots in a moving picture?  RICHARD    Intolerance.  Right next to the Babylonian orgy scenes. CHARLES    Ahem.  The Roulets were unpopular, and had already been not-so-politely asked to leave East Greenwich.  Apparently their sort of Protestantism didn't quite fit with the standards of New England society. EDWARD    I thought all protestants were pretty much the same?  WARREN    [guffaws] RICHARD    To misquote Wilde, they're one church separated by a common religion. HERBERT    Religion is such a futile waste of time. CHARLES    Etienne Roulet wasn't much of a farmer, but he could read and write and figure - the words "drawing queer diagrams" appear in one of the accounts, but without details.  So Roulet was employed in a clerical post at Pardon Tillinghast's wharf. HERBERT    Tillinghast?  Huh. [recalling "from beyond"] RICHARD    Small world. CHARLES    New England, especially.  Everyone's always related to everyone, and knows everyone else.  Everyone important, anyway.  So the Roulets, being so entirely ...other... were never accepted. RICHARD    Roulet!  I have it! CHARLES    Oh? RICHARD    I don't know any of the dates, but I think it was in the reign of Henri the fourth of France.  I don't know why, but I associate it with "Boy bitten by lizard" and a couple of particularly gruesome beheadings of John the Baptist.  [explaining]  Paintings.  There was a Roulet accused of being a ... [falters, not sure]  a werewolf?  WARREN    I knew there was something!  Yes of course -a Jacques Roulet.  An indigent accused of the horrid murder of a young man.  From what little I can recall, he claimed he had changed into a wolf and was therefore condemned to death, but ultimately commuted to life imprisonment in a madhouse. EDWARD    And you just know this, Warren, off the top of your head? WARREN    Well, I was going through a couple of books recently, looking for tales... well... that I might bring HERE. EDWARD    [laughs] RICHARD    Any more salacious details?  I seem to remember hints of cannibalism? WARREN    Without any notes, I cannot be precise, but I think he was found in a wood, covered in blood and flesh, shortly after the killing of a boy by a pair of wolves.   EDWARD    But what would a werewolf in France have to do with a vampire or ghost in Providence? HERBERT    Or disease. WARREN    Actually, werewolves and vampires have often gone hand in hand - the werewolf being generally considered one who has sold his soul in a pact with the devil, and the vampire being the soulless revenant of someone who died either while under such a pact or as the victim of such a fiend. EDWARD    So being a werewolf in life makes one inevitably a vampire after death? CHARLES    Much like going to Boston Latin leads inevitably to Harvard. [general laughter] CHARLES    So. On to my relations and the house on Benefit street. EDWARD    That would make a good title for a story.  [ominous] The House on Benefit Street. CHARLES    They went about the whole thing with an eye to scientific method.  Truly.  Even brought along various mechanical devices. HERBERT    Such as? CHARLES    [sigh] I was really hoping to pass over this.  I don't know.  Just say mechanical devices and leave it at that. HERBERT    Imprecision.  Always imprecision. CHARLES    They brought the devices in during the day - and recall, they can walk directly in from the street into the dreaded basement.  EDWARD    Or directly out, as the case may be. CHARLES    Randolph spent the day poking around, but found only the same depressing mustiness and faint suggestions of noxious odours. RICHARD    Well, if it was daylight, anything phosphorescent would lie unseen. CHARLES    Precisely.  So he tried again, this time by night.  And with somewhat more trepidation. Scene 13.    RANDOLPH    One stormy midnight, I ran the beams of an electric torch over the mouldy floor. The place had dispirited me curiously that evening, and I was almost prepared when I saw a particularly sharp definition of the "huddled form" we recalled from boyhood. CHARLES    Even while he watched, he seemed to see the thin, yellowish, shimmering exhalation which had startled us years before. RANDOLPH    A subtle, sickish, almost luminous vapour rose, which seemed to develop vague and shocking suggestions of form, before passing into the blackness of the great chimney, leaving foetor in its wake.  Refusing to flee, I watched it fade - and as I watched I felt it was in turn watching me greedily with eyes more imagined than visible. CHARLES    The upshot of this palpable manifestation was that they determined to both spend the night in the house.  After papering the windows, to avoid the eyes of possible onlookers, they added camp chairs and cots to their accoutrements and settled in. RANDOLPH    We were not, as I have said, in any sense childishly superstitious, but scientific study and reflection had taught us that the known universe of three dimensions embraces the merest fraction of the whole cosmos of substance and energy. HERBERT    [interested]  Scientific approach, indeed.  I assumed you were exaggerating. CHARLES    I accept your apology. HERBERT    I didn't apologize. RANDOLPH    To say that we actually believed in the supernatural would be carelessly inclusive.  Rather say that we were not prepared to deny the possibility of certain modifications of vital force and matter, of something that might exist only infrequently in three-dimensional space because of a more intimate connection with other spatial units. EDWARD    I'm not even going to ask. HERBERT    They were approaching the matter as if the potential creature was something that exists in an ...adjacent dimension.  Interesting. RANDOLPH    The family of Roulet had likely possessed an abnormal affinity for outer circles of entity.  Could not, then, some force drawn or created by this passion continue to function in the vicinity long after the original participants were dead and gone? HERBERT    Unfortunately, there is no way to prove or disprove such sloppy hypotheses.  [musing] And yet, one might easily imagine an alien nucleus of substance or energy, formless or otherwise, kept alive by imperceptible subtractions from the life-force or bodily tissue and fluids of more traditional "living things". EDWARD    Which, I believe, would make it something called ...a "vampire"? HERBERT    [ignoring him] Such a thing might be actively hostile, or simply motivated by self-preservation.   EDWARD    Back to Luella Miller. Scene 14.    RICHARD    Regardless, in any good social circles, eating people is considered... unacceptable. HERBERT    Well, of course such a creature would have to be eliminated, and yet the concept is fascinating. WARREN    Perhaps such creatures, throughout history, formed the basis for many such myths. CHARLES    But this myth is the only one we're dealing with tonight.  Randolph and Elihu were ready for anything they could be ready for. RANDOLPH    We had devised two weapons to fight it; a large Crookes tube operated by powerful storage batteries and provided with peculiar screens and reflectors, in case it proved intangible and opposable only by vigorously destructive ether radiations-- HERBERT    Is this item available for an examination? CHARLES    I might ask him.  But not for a couple of months.  He's rather busy at the moment. EDWARD    Oh, no - don't tell me he's in a madhouse? CHARLES    [considering, then definite] Mm.  No. RANDOLPH    We also had a pair of military flame-throwers of the sort used in the World War, in case the creature proved material and susceptible of standard destruction.  We were prepared to burn the thing's heart out - if heart existed to burn. HERBERT     This is the sort of preparation sorely lacking in most of these so-called ghost stories.  And nary a religious icon in sight? CHARLES    Um, no. HERBERT    I am impressed. EDWARD    You don't mind that they planned to "burn its heart out", so long as they didn't brandish a crucifix while they did it? HERBERT    Melodramatic, perhaps, but burning the heart out of any living creature is just as likely to be an effective way of destroying it. RANDOLPH    Our cellar vigil began at 10 P.M., daylight saving time.  A weak, filtered glow from the rain-harassed street lamps outside, and a feeble phosphorescence from the detestable fungi within, showed the dripping stone of the walls. CHARLES    They left the street door unlocked, in case of a sudden need to depart.  And they sat, playing stalking goat to a creature as potentially deadly as any man-eating tiger.  They talked far into the night until Uncle Elihu, being the older, grew drowsy. RANDOLPH    Something like fear chilled me as I sat there in the small hours alone - I say alone, for one who sits by a sleeper is indeed alone; perhaps more alone than he can realize.  Once, when the noisome atmosphere of the place seemed about to sicken me, I opened the door and looked up and down the street, feasting my eyes on familiar sights and my nostrils on wholesome air. CHARLES    He returned inside, ready to trade shifts with the elder man.  But all was not well. RANDOLPH    As I turned my electric flashlight on him, all at once he commenced to mutter.  The words were at first indistinguishable, and then, with a tremendous start, I recognized something about them which filled me with icy fear! RICHARD    Francais? CHARLES    Oui.  Now, Uncle Elihu could read and write in a passable Gallic hand, and presumably COULD speak the tongue as well.  So it might ... possibly be ... coincidence. RANDOLPH    Suddenly a perspiration broke out on the sleeper's forehead, and he leapt abruptly up, half awake.  The jumble of French changed to a cry in English! Scene 15.    ELIHU    My breath, my breath! EDWARD    Wait!  You just used the past tense!  [mimicking] "Uncle could read and write!"  Did the vampire get him? CHARLES    As a matter of fact, he woke at this point, and recounted a dreadful dream he had been having.  WARREN    A sort of race-memory?  CHARLES    All the while, he said he felt a sensation of choking, as if some pervasive presence had spread itself through his body. RANDOLPH    I reflected that dreams are only dreams, and that these visions could be, at most, no more than my uncle's reaction to the investigations which had lately filled our minds to the exclusion of all else. HERBERT    Plausible. EDWARD    Plausible denial. RANDOLPH    My uncle seemed now very wakeful, and welcomed his period of watching even though the nightmare had aroused him far ahead of his allotted two hours. EDWARD    He still went to sleep?  After all that? RANDOLPH    It was not a pleasant sleep, and for a second I was not sorry for the echoing shriek which clove through the barriers of dream and flung me to a sharp and startled awakeness. RICHARD    Who was shrieking?  EDWARD    His uncle?  Your uncle, I mean? CHARLES    [grim] Yes. RANDOLPH    As I turned, I dreaded what I was to see; for the scream had been in my uncle's voice, and I knew not against what menace I should have to defend him and myself. HERBERT    Did he at least have the sense to arm himself with the flamethrower? CHARLES    I believe so. EDWARD    Not the BEST idea, considering his uncle might be in the line of ... um... fire. RANDOLPH    Yet after all, the sight was worse than I had dreaded.  Out of the fungous-ridden earth steamed up a vaporous corpse-light, yellow and diseased, which bubbled and lapped to a gigantic height in vague outlines half human and half monstrous. RICHARD    A yellow blot upon the dark palette of the tenebrous cellar. RANDOLPH    I say that I saw this thing, but at the time it was to me only a seething dim cloud of fungous loathsomeness, enveloping the one object to which all my attention was focused.  That object was my uncle! EDWARD    Why did it wait so long? WARREN    Maybe the apparition only appears at certain times of night. HERBERT    Maybe the dimensions only overlap at certain times. CHARLES    Maybe you should let me finish the tale. RANDOLPH    And then, my uncle, features somehow blackening and decaying, leered and gibbered and reached out dripping claws to rend me! RICHARD    All the more terrible for being a relative. RANDOLPH    Only a sense of routine kept me from going mad.  Recognizing the bubbling evil as no substance reachable by matter or material chemistry, I threw on the current of the Crookes tube apparatus, and focused the strongest ether radiations. HERBERT    [eager] Yes?  RANDOLPH    There was a frenzied sputtering, and the yellowish phosphorescence grew dimmer to my eyes. But I saw that the waves from the machine had no effect whatsoever. CHARLES    Then, in the midst of that daemoniac spectacle, he saw a fresh horror which sent him fumbling and staggering towards that unlocked door to the quiet street, careless of what terrors he might loose upon the world. RANDOLPH    In that dim blend of blue and yellow light, the form of my uncle commenced a nauseous liquefaction whose essence eludes all description, and in which there played across his vanishing face such changes of identity as only madness can conceive. He was at once a devil and a multitude, a charnel-house and a pageant. CHARLES    He said that dozens, or perhaps hundreds, of faces played briefly across the countenance of our dear uncle - showing, perhaps, all those whose lives had been tainted by the shadowy intruder. RANDOLPH    Toward the last, it seemed as though the shifting features strove to form contours like those of my uncle's kindly face. I like to think that he existed at that moment, and that he tried to bid me farewell before the final dissolution. Scene 16.    HERBERT    [disbelieving] He... melted? EDWARD    Seems a bit extreme for an entity that took years and years to kill sister Mercy. WARREN    Consider that the thing had been starved for half a century.  Where it might have been satisfied with a slow drain in the past, now it was forced to gorge. RICHARD    And poor Randolph fled into the night? CHARLES    Yes.  He wandered aimlessly for a time, unsure of whom he might confide in. EDWARD    Naturally he thought of you. CHARLES    My taste in the ... unusual isn't much of a secret.  He woke me early that morning and together we approached that evil dwelling. RANDOLPH    All residue was gone, for the mouldy floor was porous. CHARLES    I saw the cot, the chairs, the instruments, and even the yellowed straw hat of my uncle. But no sign of the figure in the floor. RANDOLPH    I tried to conjecture as nearly as sanity would let me just what had happened, and how I might end the horror, if indeed it had been real.  It did not seem to be matter, nor ether, nor anything else conceivable. What, then, but some exotic emanation; some vampirish vapour such as those that rustics claim lurk over certain church yards? CHARLES    Randolph has always been a bit of a dreamer.  Between us we quickly concocted a plan, and went to fetch digging implements, military gas-masks, and six carboys of sulphuric acid. EDWARD    That you just happened to have lying around? HERBERT    That's what those were for. RICHARD    Herbert?  Why on earth do you have sulphuric acid handy? HERBERT    It serves many purposes.  But getting rid of organic ... remains... is a primary one. CHARLES    It took nearly an entire day to get everything organized.  Randolph spent most of that time trying to take his mind off the horrors he had witnessed.  RANDOLPH    I passed the hours in reading and in the composition of inane verses to counteract my mood. EDWARD    "inane verses"? RICHARD    [limerick] There once was an old man from Arkham... Scene 17.    CHARLES    Just before noon the next day, we commenced digging - right where that stain had always been seen, though there was no trace of it there in the strong morning sunshine. RANDOLPH    As I turned up the stinking black earth in front of the fireplace, a viscous yellow ichor oozed from the white fungi it severed. CHARLES    With the deepening of the hole, which was about six feet square, the evil smell increased.  We had arranged the great carboys of acid around and near two sides, so that when necessary they could be emptied down the aperture in quick succession. EDWARD    And the gas masks? CHARLES    originally to keep out the vapor itself, but we used them as much for the dreadful stench. RANDOLPH    Suddenly my spade struck something softer than earth. I shuddered and made a motion as if to climb out of the hole, which was now as deep as my neck. CHARLES    I was above at the time, taking some much-needed fresh air, but returned when he called out in horror. RANDOLPH    The thing I had uncovered was fishy and glassy - a kind of semi-putrid congealed jelly with suggestions of translucency. I scraped further, and saw that it had form -huge and roughly cylindrical; like a mammoth soft blue-white stovepipe doubled in two, its largest part some two feet in diameter. CHARLES    Abruptly, he leaped out of the hole, then began frantically unstopping and tilting the heavy carboys, and precipitating their corrosive contents one after another down that charnel gulf.    EDWARD    Before you could even see it? CHARLES    I saw enough. RICHARD    A cylinder?  So it was some sort of giant worm? EDWARD    A folded worm? CHARLES    Randolph had his own explanation for it, though I don't know how much credit to give him, there in his abject terror. HERBERT    What did he think it was? CHARLES    All I saw was a blinding maelstrom of greenish-yellow vapour which surged tempestuously up from that hole as the floods of acid descended.  People outside, seeing the hideous yellow fumes that soared up the chimney, attributed it to a dumping of waste in the river by some factory, but I know how mistaken they are as to the source. HERBERT    But you had apparently only uncovered part of the thing?  EDWARD    I guess the acid found its way back to the rest of it. Scene 18.    CHARLES    People also talk about the hideous noise which came at roughly the same time from some disordered water-pipe or gas main underground - but again I could correct them if I dared. RANDOLPH    It was unspeakably shocking, and I do not see how I lived through it. I did faint after emptying the fourth carboy; but when I recovered I saw that the hole was emitting no fresh vapours. CHARLES    I dragged him away and we waited until the fumes cleared.  We still emptied the rest of the acid down the hole, just to be on the safe side. RANDOLPH    The dampness was less foetid, and all the strange fungi had withered to a kind of harmless greyish powder which blew ashlike along the floor. HERBERT    Probably from the fumes. RANDOLPH    One of earth's nethermost terrors had perished forever; and if there be a hell, it had received at last the daemon soul of an unhallowed thing. And as I patted down the last spadeful of mould, I shed the first of many tears with which I have paid unaffected tribute to my beloved uncle's memory. EDWARD    But what was it?  What did he say he saw? CHARLES    Keep in mind that at two feet diameter, this cylinder would have made a very stocky man indeed. RICHARD    Portly, even. HERBERT    And difficult to double up that way, once obesity set in. EDWARD    What was it? CHARLES    Again, I never saw it, and only have Randolph's rather addled ideas to go by.  And he insisted that if it had lain there all those centuries, eating and growing, it could be any sort of size. EDWARD    And? CHARLES    He said this thing - this huge bent thing- was ... the creature's ...elbow. [moment of silence] EDWARD    [snickering] what? CHARLES    His words, not mine. EDWARD    But if it grew when fed, wouldn't it have shrunk when starved?  It should have been tiny. WARREN    Unless by devouring Charles's uncle - Oh, I say, I'm sorry - but perhaps that would have returned it to its... ahem ... former glory? HERBERT    It's ridiculous.  I was perfectly willing to consider the possible existence of some such thing, but quite apart form the inanity of a thing which grows so large that it COULD achieve such stature - there's a simple issue of displacement of earth! CHARLES    I expect it happened very very slowly. RICHARD    Not to mention that if something that size were its elbow, its entire body would have been underneath most of the neighborhood.  Why then, would it restrict itself to harming only those in that single house? WARREN    True. If it were going to have a single area to draw sustenance from, you might think it would be centered on, say, the mouth.  EDWARD    Yeah.  No one who's anyone eats with their elbow. CHARLES    [annoyed sigh] I'll make a point of telling Randolph the next time I see him. END

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story by H.P. Lovecraft Herbert finally has his turn and recounts a tale of mad science. Cast List Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Mathias Rebne-Morgan Tillinghast - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero FIS) "Howard" - Russell Gold Music by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Julie Hoverson and Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's the scene of a tragic event, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************** FROM BEYOND (Lovecraft 5, #5) Cast: Herbert, a scientist Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Tillinghast, professor "Howard", friend OLIVIA     [opening credits] Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's the scene of a tragic event, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_BnE AMB    OUTSIDE, NIGHT SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL HERBERT    I'm sure you'll understand why I waited until after dinner to bring us all here.  CHARLES    That was dinner?  EDWARD    Even I can't say anything good about it. HERBERT    Food should be used as fuel, nothing more.  Nutritionally-- RICHARD     Next, he'll be giving us the chemical notations. WARREN    Buck up - we can't all be epicures like you, Charles.  And this little walking tour has piqued my interest.  I take it we have reached our destination, Herbert? HERBERT    Yes.  This is the house of the late Crawford Tillinghast. RICHARD    Late lamented? HERBERT    Hmph.  Doubtful.  We'd better get inside rather quickly, though.  Don't want the police to find us here. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS ON GRASS EDWARD    [interested] Really? HERBERT    A fortnight ago, Tillinghast died... under rather mysterious circumstances. RICHARD    A friend of yours? HERBERT    Vaguest of acquaintances.  I might have recognized him if I met him on the street.  Might not.  But he was a fellow scientist... [disapproving] of a sort. SOUND    FEET ON PORCH, LEATHER BAG SET DOWN HERBERT    There should be no danger, now. CHARLES    [not quite serious] Danger? HERBERT    But the power should probably remain off, so I've brought along a couple of electric torches. SOUND    RUMMAGING IN BAG HERBERT    Don't turn them on until we're inside. Just in case. EDWARD    You said danger? HERBERT    To be precise, I said "no danger".  The machine that caused all the trouble is supposed to have been disabled, according to the only witness, and people have been in and out of the place - I say people, but I mean police - for days, without event. WARREN    Ah - so there is a witness? SOUND    DOORKNOB RATTLES HERBERT    Another acquaintance.  Someone I know rather better.  Neither of them is really in my field - I work more in biology and chemistry - but we have spoken from time to time when mutual interests converged. CHARLES    Are we going to go inside or stand on the porch all day like milk bottles? SOUND    ANOTHER JIGGLE AT THE DOOR HERBERT    Most doors are fairly easy to-- aha! SOUND    HARD SMACK, DOOR CREAKS OPEN EDWARD    If science doesn't pay, Herbert, you can always turn to crime. RICHARD    Aren't the neighbors likely to notice? HERBERT    The yard is large and the hedges are overgrown. CHARLES    What's the worst that can happen, eh? EDWARD    Criminal prosecution? RICHARD    [amused] Adds spice to a reputation.  Go on, Herbert, we're right behind you. 2_inside SOUND    FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON, SLOW FOOTSTEPS HERBERT    We need to go on through and up to the attic. SOUND    SECOND FLASHLIGHT CLICKS ON WARREN    There are likely stairs that go up from the kitchen.  Many old houses had them, depending on the prevalence of servants in the household.  CHARLES    Oh? WARREN     Servants, you see, would sleep in the attic, and the masters didn't want them traipsing up and down the main hallways at all hours of the night-- HERBERT    That's all very well, and Tillinghast did have servants, but I have a reason for wanting to go through the front hall.  Something the witness mentioned, that I wanted to observe for myself. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS STOP, DOOR SHUTS EDWARD    Does he have a name? HERBERT    He? Who? EDWARD    Your witness.  You can hardly call him "the witness" all night long - take my word, nameless characters are much more difficult to sympathize with. HERBERT    He asked that I not mention-- CHARLES    We'll give him a name then.  Something to call him - for convenience. EDWARD     And personalization. HERBERT    [exasperated] You expect me to come up with something? EDWARD    Oh, this is one of my areas.  How about Wilbur?  Philip?  Howard? HERBERT    Howard should be easy enough to remember.  Shall we continue? CHARLES    Do we get the grand tour? WARREN    You said there was a reason for us to go through the front hall? HERBERT    Yes.  As I said, "Howard" is a fellow scientist.  He was a friend - rather unfortunately - to the owner of this house, one Crawford Tillinghast. RICHARD    The "Late" one? EDWARD    And you said he was a scientist as well? HERBERT    [disparaging] Of a sort.  Some people really should never take up science.  Half the time you can't get anyone to pay attention to your work, and when they do, they can't offer a better opinion than to insist that you're mad. RICHARD    [taunting] Personal experience? HERBERT     [snappish] Of course.  [starting slow, but getting sort of rabid]  But just as often it has nothing to do with the validity of your theories - it's merely a mind game!  [almost furious] A well-placed blow to a scientist's ego can shatter him - send him completely to pieces, leaving the way clear for lesser men to step in and claim victory! EDWARD    Goodness!  HERBERT    [still mad] Or there's always the type of smear campaign that Edison waged against Tesla! CHARLES    Good for you, Herbert.  Never thought you had that kind of fire in you. RICHARD    [murmured] Remind me never to criticize anything scientific around him. WARREN    Does all this apply to the story somehow? HERBERT    [suddenly snapped back]  The story?  Oh, yes.  The story.  Well.  [clears his throat]  Crawford and Howard didn't work together - their expertise fell into very different categories. But they were friends.  [getting a little distant] At least they were until the day when Howard made the mistake - and I believe he had no ulterior motive, unlike some - of criticizing Crawford's theories. EDWARD    Oh, boy! HERBERT    Crawford threw him out, with a warning never to darken his door again. RICHARD    This door, or the one in front? HERBERT    [irritated] His metaphorical door.  CHARLES    Sorry to be an annoyance, since you're just starting to warm up, but isn't there a better place for this yarn than standing around a dark, musty old kitchen? HERBERT    Of course.  Come along. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS HERBERT    The parlor should be through here somewhere.  EDWARD    [a bit spooky] The very parlor where they sat and smoked and told their tales of science... until that fateful day! HERBERT    [dry] Very likely. EDWARD    [annoyed at not getting a rise] Hmph. WARREN     It's awfully dusty in here for a house left unoccupied a mere week.  Didn't you say this Tillinghast fellow had servants?  RICHARD    It is an awfully large house for one man. CHARLES    Thus speaketh the Pot. [calling the kettle black] HERBERT    He had servants.  They've been ... absent for a while - Howard wasn't very clear on that. SOUND    DOOR PUSHED OPEN, FOOTSTEPS 3_garments EDWARD    Hold up a minute.  What's this? CHARLES    If you weren't in the way, I might be able to answer you.  Too damn bad there's no proper lights. SOUND    SCUFFLE OF FEET RICHARD    It's a woman's dress.  Just lying there.  How ... odd? EDWARD    Confess, Herbert - does your story involve panderers?  White slavers? HERBERT    [disgusted]  No!  Such distractions have no place in a story of science. CHARLES    Is it damaged at all?  RICHARD    Not as far as I can see, but I'm hardly the expert.  [beat] Unless it's actually shredded and bloody, which this one most certainly is not, one dress looks much like another to me. WARREN    Move aside, you high-minded gentlemen.  I'm quite used to poking about in people's personal belongings. CHARLES    I can't help but feel there's a wee bit of difference between your ancient Mesopotamian and your modern old maid. SOUND    RUSTLING WARREN    How odd.  From a cursory examination, it appear that all the -ahem- internal garments are still arrayed -uh- within. EDWARD    I may be a mere tiro [novice], but even I know no woman removes her clothes that way. CHARLES    It'd be damn inconvenient.  [clears his throat]  For the woman, I mean.  Think of all the rebuttoning. HERBERT    [annoyed] I thought you all wanted to sit.  CHARLES    Of course.  EDWARD    We're easily distracted by oddities. RICHARD    [amused snort] and women's undergarments, apparently. SOUND    FEET, DOOR, SITTING 4_sitting HERBERT    You understand now why I couldn't provide any of the amenities we usually have on these story nights.  CHARLES    Of course.  [chuckling]  Someone would have had to carry the picnic hamper. EDWARD    [agreeing] Not the best accessory for breaking and entering. CHARLES    Does that heap of crinoline have something to do with your story? HERBERT    Well technically, it's evidence, but police have a tendency to ignore anything that they can't explain. EDWARD    Evidence?  Really?  HERBERT    Point of fact, one week ago, there was an unexplained death in this house. EDWARD    Presumably NOT "Howard", since he's the one who told you all about it? HERBERT    Of course not.  It was Tillinghast.  Howard was present.  That's one reason he doesn't want his name bandied about.  He doesn't want to get the police started up again. CHARLES    Did your friend... kill Tillinghast? HERBERT    You'll have to weigh the facts and decide for yourself. RICHARD    "All will become known", eh? HERBERT    Yes.  "Howard" had been persona non grata in the house for several weeks before the night of the death.  Tillinghast ran him out for daring to question his line of research.  EDWARD    Which was? CHARLES    You never did go into that. HERBERT    Tillinghast was experimenting with variations on light waves and their effects on perception.  Or something along those lines.  Howard wasn't entirely clear in his description.  RICHARD    [sarcastic] Unclear? After witnessing - if not causing - a death?  Small wonder. HERBERT    He arrived that night to find the house much as it is now.  Seemingly unoccupied, and without electricity. EDWARD    Even then?  How odd. HERBERT    It was kept "off" by logical decision, not due to any defect in the system.  Howard had spent the intervening weeks-- CHARLES    Since his fall into disfavor? HERBERT    --keeping tabs on his erstwhile friend, by way of the butler. WARREN    So there were servants. HERBERT    At least two.  Howard mentioned the butler and some sort of housekeeper, and his surprise that they were not present to greet him when he arrived. RICHARD    Why did he come back?  HERBERT    Tillinghast had specifically sent for him.  Howard assumed it was an attempt at reconciliation. EDWARD    [inviting] But...? HERBERT    He had been kept informed of Tillinghast's growing obsession with a machine in the attic, some apparatus he was perfecting, to the exclusion of all else - eating little and sleeping even less. CHARLES    Up in the attic?  Right up there? HERBERT    Of course. WARREN    Hmm... are we in any danger from this machine? HERBERT    [bland] I can't think why.  [back to the story]  Howard was shocked at the appearance of his friend.  How he had changed. RICHARD    It had been some time, hadn't it? HERBERT    A mere ten weeks.  But he had lost weight, grown rather sallow, and looked feverish. EDWARD    Classic signs of madness... at least in the better sort of stories. HERBERT    And his hair had gone white-- CHARLES    Really now Herbert, you of all people, as a scientist, must know that is an old wives' tale-- HERBERT    [overriding] White at the roots.  Of course it isn't empiracly possible for the current growth of hair to change color overnight-- RICHARD    A touch of indigo can send it in the other direction. HERBERT    But shock can alter the follicles and any growth from that point forward may be affected.  EDWARD    So he had had some sort of a shock, but some time back, to make the roots noticeable. HERBERT    Tillinghast was not the right type to be a scientist - he didn't have the mental fortitude necessary to face down the possible effects of his actions. CHARLES    Had he actually gone mad? HERBERT    Who can define madness?  But he had come to some penultimate discovery.  To this end, he had entreated Howard to pay him a visit, in order that he might share what he'd achieved. WARREN    A bit of "I told you so" RICHARD    Best served cold. [as in "revenge"] 5_tillinghast TILLINGHAST    What do we know of the world and the universe about us?  We see things only as we are constructed to see them, and can gain no idea of their absolute nature. RICHARD    Perception is a hotly debated concept in art as well - look at the work being done by the surrealists. CHARLES    Or, god forbid, dada. RICHARD    That's not art. TILLINGHAST    With five feeble senses we pretend to comprehend the boundlessly complex cosmos, yet other beings with wider, stronger, or different range of senses might not only see very differently the things we see, but might see and study whole worlds of matter, energy, and life which lie close at hand, yet can never be detected with the senses we have. EDWARD    I can't even imagine a sense I don't have.  It's like trying to imagine a colour you've never seen before.  Or trying to think around a corner. TILLINGHAST    I have always believed that such strange, inaccessible worlds exist at our very elbows, and now I believe I have found a way to break down the barriers! HERBERT    Howard says Tillinghast seemed absolutely assured of his conclusions, and he feared for his friend's sanity. WARREN    Why break down these barriers?  Shouldn't he have considered that they may be present for a very good reason? Always assuming he has any sort of method behind his madness? HERBERT    It is the duty of any scientist to go beyond and figure out what may lay outside the current realm of the probable. CHARLES    But what if such an exploration should do great harm?  Isn't it also the duty of any scientist to have a bit of accountability? HERBERT    [dismissive] Of course.  But some risks must be taken.  EDWARD    So if someone created a devastating bomb, for instance, in the name of science, it wouldn't matter how many people it killed- the very act of being able to make it would justify the science involved? HERBERT    Of course. WARREN    Just as well that we aren't here to discuss theoretical morality.  Besides, this is just a story, isn't it? HERBERT    No.  This really happened. WARREN    Sorry, what I mean is, for us, this is merely a night's entertainment.  HERBERT    Oh.  Of course.  Tillinghast went on, in that awful "croaking, wasted voice." EDWARD    Howard's words? TILLINGHAST    I am not joking. Within twenty-four hours that machine near the table will generate waves acting on unrecognized sense organs that exist in us as atrophied or rudimentary vestiges. 6_organs EDWARD    Science fiction.  Pure and simple. HERBERT    Not necessarily.  Many organs remain in the body despite centuries of evolution having rendered them obsolete for whatever purpose they may have once had in primitive man. CHARLES    The appendix? HERBERT    As a simplistic example, yes.  At some point in the distant past, it served a purpose.  Now, it is merely an accessory. RICHARD    Like footmen. CHARLES    Rather. HERBERT    Howard surmised that while Tillinghast had probably not forgiven him, he needed SOMEONE to talk to, and Howard was the most likely candidate, having been privy to some of his theories previously. EDWARD    And he arrived to find the place dark and empty? HERBERT    Well, he mentioned candles. EDWARD    More gothic yet! CHARLES    Why did Howard come anyway?  Wasn't he worried about some kind of remonstrances? HERBERT    [as if this explains]  Intellectual curiousity.  [dismissive] And wanting to see how his friend fared.  The handwriting in the summoning letter had been feeble and cramped. EDWARD    Even his ink had turned white! CHARLES    Hush. 7_machines HERBERT    Howard asked about the electricity and was told, in no uncertain terms, that it was off for a very definite reason, but was not informed what that reason might be.  Yet. TILLINGHAST    [muttered] It would be too much... I would not dare. HERBERT    He led Howard up through the house to the attic, which was lit with a sickly sinister violet light. WARREN    But not electric light? HERBERT    It came from the machine that was at the center of all the controversy.  Howard described it as "detestable," but machines should really not be regarded so subjectively. RICHARD    There are plenty of machines that are detestable. HERBERT    Name one? RICHARD    [very dry and sarcastic] Tammany Hall. [notorious "political machine" of the recent past] ALL    [general laughter] EDWARD    Now, now - we all use machines that would have been thought terrible in years gone by.  I would be lost without my typewriter, Richard takes the occasional photograph-- RICHARD    Backgrounds.  For my paintings.  Nothing I hate more than having to stand around on some windy heath - or god forbid, some tourist-laden beauty spot - just to capture a scene. CHARLES    I'm quite fond of my Victrola. WARREN    Most of these would have been considered magic by ancient man, and either embraced or reviled depending upon the climate of the times. HERBERT    Perception is subjective.  That's part of what makes science such a difficult field for men such as Tillinghast. EDWARD    Determined not to lose your thread, eh? HERBERT    The electrical system was out of the picture entirely.  And yet some kind of power seemed to be in operation, since the machine was lit. TILLINGHAST    The glow... ah yes, the glow.  It is not electrical - not in any sense you could understand.  But you will see soon enough. CHARLES    Curiousity or not, I don't know that I would choose to remain alone in a big, dark empty house with someone who sounded so ... ominous. HERBERT    That is the difference between the run of normal folk and the scientist.  The mind of the scientist puts knowledge even above...  above--- WARREN    Self-preservation? HERBERT    I was looking more for "subjective fear responses". EDWARD    I suspect that's why there are so many dead scientists. RICHARD    And so few old ones. 8_colors CHARLES    Now, now, this is a lovely tale.  Stop putting Herbert off.  HERBERT    Please.  Tillinghast seated Howard near the machine and turned it on.  Now the sound began, indicating that it was running.  And the light... changed.  EDWARD    From port to starboard? HERBERT    It had been a strange purplish color, but now it increased, then waned, and settled on a pale color or blend of colors that Howard was unable to adequately describe. EDWARD    What did I say?  Colors. WARREN    But isn't there a very definite and specific set of colors that exist in the spectrum? RICHARD    Any painter can tell you that, yet there are shades and blendings that are particularly difficult to achieve - or to reproduce.  It all depends on the purity of your pigments. HERBERT    What we think of as "normal light" is absolutely pure when it comes to color.  And yet, it is not the absence of hue.  Just look at it through a prism. TILLINGHAST    [whispered] Do you know what that is?  That is ultra-violet.  [creepy chuckle] You thought ultra-violet was invisible, and so it is - but you can see that and many other invisible things now. EDWARD    Isn't ultraviolet at the far end of the spectrum?  Our eyes aren't made for that. HERBERT    [ominous] Precisely. CHARLES    Oh-ho? HERBERT    Tillinghast claimed that the machine's function was to open up long-dormant senses, to widen the perceptions, and make visible that which is normally completely unseen. WARREN    So he claimed that, in a few moments, he could reverse aeons-- CHARLES    Theoretical aeons. WARREN    --of evolution-- EDWARD    Theoretical evolution. WARREN    --and waken senses that might only exist in his imagination? HERBERT    Yes. WARREN    Oh. RICHARD    It might equate, though only in an abstract way, with the change in art when perspective was discovered - or rather quantified.  HERBERT    What? RICHARD    If you look at ancient art, from cave paintings up through medieval tapestries, there is no standard for perspective - no logical depth.  With the renaissance, and daVinci, art began to develop systematically into the third dimension. EDWARD    What are you talking about? RICHARD    A revolutionary change in vision?  Never mind. TILLINGHAST    Listen to me! The waves from that thing are waking a thousand sleeping senses in us! I have seen the truth, and I intend to show it to you. 9_upstairs HERBERT    In fact, I think it well past time to show you. CHARLES    Show? HERBERT    The machine.  It's disabled, but you can see the room where everything occurred. RICHARD    [speculative] Get some ambiance. EDWARD    [avid] Background color. WARREN    Perspective. RICHARD    [laughs] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS, DOOR TILLINGHAST    You have heard of the pineal gland? I laugh at the shallow endocrinologist, fellow-dupe and fellow-parvenu of the Freudian. HERBERT    Come along. TILLINGHAST    That gland is the great sense organ of organs - I have found out!  It is like sight in the end, and transmits visual pictures to the brain. If you are normal, that is the way you ought to get most of it... I mean get most of the evidence... from beyond. SOUND    CREAKY DOOR OPENS CHARLES    Aha.  The scene of the crime? WARREN    Is there room for everyone? RICHARD    Just shove in. HERBERT    Go on.  It's bigger inside.  SOUND    SHUTS THE DOOR 10_the room HERBERT    Howard said that once the machine got up to speed, he began to "see" things.  HOWARD    I fancied myself in some vast incredible temple with innumerable black stone columns reaching up from a floor of damp slabs to a cloudy height beyond the range of vision. The picture was very vivid for a while, but gradually gave way to a more horrible conception; that of utter, absolute solitude in infinite, sightless, soundless space. EDWARD    Sounds like a bit of a poet. RICHARD    For a scientist. HOWARD    From the farthermost regions of remoteness, a sound softly glided into existence. It was infinitely faint, subtly vibrant, and unmistakably musical, but held a quality of surpassing wildness which made it feel like a delicate torture of my entire body. WARREN    There are certain note progressions which are determined to cause odd feelings.  Stravinsky's Rite of Spring incited a riot at its debut due to the effect of the wild discords upon its audience.   HERBERT    When Howard spoke, though, the "spell" - and I use the term to mean a period of hallucination, and not for any magical connotations - was broken.  SOUND     FOOTSTEPS, FIDDLING WITH MACHINE HERBERT    I should also mention that during this momentary lapse of concentration, Howard had drawn his revolver. CHARLES    Ayuh.  That might be a little important later.  I was looking over your machine here.  It appears to be damaged. HERBERT    I already told you it was disabled.  That is why we are in no danger.  Unlike Howard. TILLINGHAST    Don't move!    For in these rays we are able to be seen as well as to see.  I told you the servants left, but I didn't tell you how.  It was that thick-witted house-keeper - she turned on the lights downstairs after I had warned her not to, and the wires picked up sympathetic vibrations. CHARLES    Downstairs? Oh! TILLINGHAST    It must have been frightful - I could hear the screams all the way up here in spite of all I was seeing and hearing from another direction, and later it was rather ...awful... to find those empty heaps of clothes around the house.  EDWARD    Those clothes! TILLINGHAST    Mrs. Updike's clothes were close to the front hall switch - that's how I know she did it. WARREN    [awe] As if she was just taken out of them. TILLINGHAST    It got them all. But so long as we don't move we're fairly safe. Remember we're dealing with a hideous world in which we are practically helpless... [suddenly sharp] Keep still! HOWARD    In my terror my mind again opened to the impressions coming "from beyond."  I felt huge animate things brushing past me and walking or drifting through my supposedly solid body.  11_things HERBERT    Before you scoff, you have to understand that most of what we think of as "solid matter" is merely solid on a very crude level.  Individual molecules are only loosely bound together-- EDWARD    Is there going to be a test later? HOWARD    I thought I saw Tillinghast look at these things as though his better trained senses could catch them visually. TILLINGHAST    You see them? You see them? You see the things that float and flop about you and through you every moment of your life?  Have I not succeeded in breaking down the barrier?  Have I not shown you worlds that no other living men have seen? CHARLES    I don't think it's just barriers that were breakin' down. HERBERT    [smug] As I said.  Some people are not meant for the hard discipline of science. EDWARD    But he says these things could harm them?  Could have some effect just because they - the scientists - could now see them?  WARREN    That's ridiculous.  Like saying that if someone is blind, he won't get hit by a motorcar. RICHARD    [regretfully]  No.  If someone is blind, he gets hired as an art reviewer. TILLINGHAST    You think those floundering things wiped out the servants? Fool! They are harmless! But the servants are gone, aren't they? CHARLES    Maybe they took a new position in a house with the power laid on. EDWARD    The clothes, though. TILLINGHAST    You tried to stop me! You discouraged me when I needed every drop of encouragement I could get! you were afraid of the cosmic truth, you damned coward, but now I've got you! EDWARD    This room would be a little small for a confrontation with a raving lunatic. RICHARD    Particularly one who insisted that if you move a muscle, something terrible might grab you from behind. CHARLES    Rather like posing for one of your portraits. RICHARD    [dark] That's why I don't include people. TILLINGHAST    What swept up the servants? What made them scream so loud?... Don't know, eh! You'll know soon enough. WARREN    Isn't it a bit warm in here? HERBERT    We're almost finished.  I promised Howard I would look for something at the other end of the attic.  EDWARD    [worried] You're taking the torch? HERBERT    I can hardly search in the dark.  Besides, you have the other one. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY HERBERT    [as he goes away, echoey] The oddest part is how Tillinghast somehow shifted his focus, from the things immediately surrounding us to things far beyond. 12_Herbert goes TILLINGHAST    I have seen beyond the bounds of infinity and drawn down demons from the stars... Space belongs to me, do you hear?  Things are hunting me now - the things that devour and dissolve - but I know how to elude them. It is you they will get, as they got the servants... [urgent] Stirring, dear sir? [relax] If you had moved, they would have been at you long ago. HOWARD    These things were never still, but seemed ever floating about with some malignant purpose. Sometimes they appeared to devour one another, the attacker launching itself at its victim and instantaneously obliterating the latter from sight. Shudderingly I felt that I knew what had obliterated the unfortunate servants. TILLINGHAST    Don't worry, they won't "hurt" you. They didn't "hurt" the servants - it was the seeing that made the poor devils scream so. My pets are not pretty, for they come out of places where aesthetic standards are - very different. RICHARD    [very weak joke, a bit nervous]  Hollywood? HERBERT    [from off] I'm going to check downstairs.  Be right back. SOUND    FEET GO DOWN STAIRS HOWARD    Foremost among the living objects were inky, jellyfish monstrosities which flabbily quivered in harmony with the vibrations from the machine. TILLINGHAST    I always knew you were no scientist. Trembling, eh? Trembling with anxiety to see the ultimate things I have discovered? HOWARD    I saw to my horror that they overlapped; that they were semi-fluid and capable of passing through one another and through what we know as solids. TILLINGHAST    Why don't you move, then?  Tired?  Well, don't worry, my friend, for they are coming... Look, look!  Curse you, look... it's just over your left shoulder... [moment of silence] SOUND    CLICK ALL    [gasp] CHARLES    [straining to sound calm and annoyed] Turn the torch back on, Edward. EDWARD    I didn't! RICHARD    [flat] Funny.  WARREN    [a bit odd] Do ... you see that? SOUND    SCUFFLE, FEET TURNING - they see it glowing RICHARD    Good god! EDWARD    I can't tell if it's actually-- WARREN    [whisper] Barely there.... CHARLES    [trying to stay calm] This might be a time to shut the eyes. SOUND    FEET COME UP STAIRS ALL    [GASP] 13_jump scare HERBERT    Why are you standing here in the dark? CHARLES    [crisp, overcompensating] Flashlight died.  RICHARD    Let's go downstairs.  SOUND    THEY GO DOWNSTAIRS CHARLES    Did you find what you were looking for? HERBERT    No.  Looks like the police confiscated everything of any interest. WARREN    Except - um - the machine. HERBERT    Ah.  I almost forgot the end of the story. Howard was arrested, and held on suspicion.  You see, there was a gunshot and the police were called. WARREN    I see.  That's how the police come to be a factor. HERBERT    Yes.  They burst in, and found Howard with a recently-fired gun standing over the prostrate body of his fellow scientist. CHARLES    As clear as a tableau in a wax museum. RICHARD    But he didn't shoot him? You said he's no longer under arrest. HERBERT    It wasn't until the police physician examined Tillinghast's body that they let him go.  EDWARD    Was it one of the creatures that killed him?  And maybe Howard shot IT? RICHARD    I feel a painting coming on. HERBERT    The physician determined that Tillnghast had perished-- [dragging it out] WARREN    Yes? HERBERT    Of apoplexy. CHARLES    Ah, the classics. WARREN    But the gun? HERBERT    You saw what happened.  Howard shot the machine.  That's why it's broken like that.  Too bad.  Would have been interesting to examine.  RICHARD    [wry hinting] But it's not COMPLETELY broken, is it? EDWARD    Yeah, that was a good one, Herbert.  [laughs, but a bit uneasy]  CHARLES    [fake laugh] ha-ha.  Ayup.  Good joke. WARREN    H-how did you get it to do that, anyway? SOUND    FEET STOP HERBERT    [not joking - really doesn't know what they're talking about] Do what? END

Adapted by Julie Hoverson from the story "The Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family" by H.P. Lovecraft The "Lovecraft 5" - Warren, Herbert, Charles, Edward, and Richard - gather again for another night of tall tales.  Tonight, Warren regales the group with a history of a noble house that ... went downhill. Cast List Warren - Glen Hallstrom Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Edward - Bryan Hendricksen Herbert - Carl Cubbedge M. Verhaeren - Domien De Groot (The Witch Hunter Chronicles) Mwanu - Danar Hoverson Soames - Ayoub Khote Music by  Skidmore College Orchestra, found on MusOpen Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a private dining room at a well-known New England University, can't you tell?" ************************************************************** The Facts Concerning.... Cast: Warren Herbert Charles Edward Richard Verhaeren Mwanu Soames OLIVIA     What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a private dining room in a college faculty wing, can't you tell?  MUSIC 1_dinner SOUND     DINNER ENDING SOUND    WINDOWS ARE OPEN, MUSIC IN THE DISTANCE WARREN    So nice to have you all here.  The weather has been so mild, I feared it would destroy any atmosphere I might have expected for my story.  And the orchestra would be in rehearsal.  RICHARD    At least it's rather somber.  HERBERT    A clear day can mean a darker night.  RICHARD    True. HERBERT    Depending on the phase of the moon. CHARLES    Yes.  Well, the dinner was-- EDWARD    Passable. RICHARD    Oh!  Faint praise indeed, coming from our resident starving writer. WARREN    Do you know, I believe the college's food plan is quite brililant! EDWARD    Brilliant?  Are they strapped for economy? WARREN    You see, the food is precisely enough to sustain life, but without anything so extravagant as taste, which might take one's mind off one's studies. HERBERT    I found it perfectly adequate. CHARLES    But very little in this world will take your mind off your science, Herbert. EDWARD    How about having the studies take our mind off the food then?  We came for a story. RICHARD    And I perceive a box on the table behind you which does not match the décor - or the amount of dust - in this room. WARREN    [chuckles] You artists notice everything.  Though your comment on dust surprises me - after seeing your "house". RICHARD    It "does things" for me.  Inspiration. HERBERT    At least this place, while old, is well maintained. WARREN    Not so old as all that.  The dining hall wing wasn't built until 1804.  Very recent, comparatively.  But my story. 2_the box SOUND    CARDBOARD BOX MOVED WARREN    I warn you I have a little idea as to presentation - after that night at your place, Richard, I wanted something unique-- HERBERT    Don't expect anything like that from me.  CHARLES    Don't worry.  We don't. WARREN    I have this rather long history to my tale, you see, and I know I tend to wax a bit pedantic, so I thought I would help to set certain facts in the mind by beginning with a bit of a game. EDWARD    I'm game.  Is it questions, again? WARREN    No.  I have a small description written for each of the major players in the history of the story, and thought I might give one to each of you - well, each of us, for I include myself - to portray.  It would help keep them all straight. CHARLES    Is it necessary to keep them straight? WARREN    I think it will help make the history flow.  It's a technique of acting out history used to great advantage by Mrs. Schartz-Mettaklume [reference to a comedic story by Saki], a fellow teacher here. HERBERT    [disparaging] Amateur dramatics? WARREN    Oh, you needn't do more than read from the card.  I don't expect strutting about and soliloquizing. CHARLES    [declaring] It sounds amusing. EDWARD    I'm in. RICHARD    You may be in for more than you expected, old pal. SOUND    PASSING OUT CARDS WARREN    Good, then.  Let's see - Herbert, here, then Charles, Edward, and Richard.  The cards have only the basics on each of the fellows - they're generations in a single family, you see - and the back side is a name plate, to aid in recalling who is who. HERBERT    [sour] Charming.  [after a pause]  You're staring.  Am I supposed to begin? CHARLES    I could go first.  EDWARD    [reading his card]  Oh, no!  Let me! WARREN    No, no, I will begin the tale, and then we'll go around the table.  You will be second, though, Herbert. HERBERT    At least it will be over with early. RICHARD    That must mean I am the climax of the tale! EDWARD    Oh, you got nothing on me.  Just wait. 3_Sir Wade WARREN    Ahem.  We begin with Sir Wade Jermyn.  [reading, putting on a bit of a British accent] I was one of the earliest explorers of the Congo region, and had written eruditely of its tribes, animals, and supposed antiquities. RICHARD    Are we supposed to be British?  You haven't really given us any background. WARREN    Oh, yes.  The Jermyn family was part of a well-respected house in England, though it has ...um... died out. CHARLES    So these are not only brits, but long-dead brits?  Are we doing Shakespeare? WARREN    We needn't worry about accents. HERBERT    I should say not. WARREN    I don't want to lose my place or I might have to start again.  "Indeed, my innovative conjectures on a prehistoric white Congolese civilisation were the basis for my book, "Observation on the Several Parts of Africa," published in 1765.  I, fearless adventurer that I once had been, was then placed in a madhouse." HERBERT    That sounds a bit promising.  Madness is quite fascinating. WARREN    I have a strong hope that there will be details in this story to intrigue you, Herbert.  Have you ever looked into the study of ethnology? HERBERT    Hmm...  Should I read now? CHARLES    History first.  Quick precis. WARREN    Well, this family - the Jermyns, are not German [chuckle], but British.  And there's this - the history of the family is quite interesting, but it ended recently with the death of the final generation - a son - just one - who... uh... set himself on fire when he discovered something about his heritage. EDWARD    He set himself on fire?  RICHARD    Now I'm interested. CHARLES    You've got our attention. HERBERT    It's not some simple defect like a harelip?  A club foot?  WARREN    Much more than that.  Let's begin again.  [quick recap] I am Sir Wade Jermyn, famous explorer of the Congo region.  I wrote a book, and went mad. now... 4_philip HERBERT    Me next, I suppose?  [not really trying]  This one is Sir Wade's son, Philip. WARREN    Sir Philip. HERBERT    "Philip was a highly peculiar person. His appearance and conduct were in many particulars so coarse that he was universally shunned. Though he did not inherit his father's madness, he was densely stupid--" EDWARD    [laughs!] HERBERT    "--and given to periods of uncontrollable violence."  Is this supposed to be funny? WARREN    [baffled?] Funny? HERBERT    Did you give me this one on purpose? WARREN    Well, yes, but only because it was the shortest - I felt you'd have less interest in the dramatic and more in getting it over with. HERBERT    Hmph. CHARLES    Is that the sum of your wisdom, great sir Philip? HERBERT    No, there's more-- WARREN    I forgot to mention, it's just the first part now.  We'll come back to you. EDWARD    So Herbert is violent and stupid, what are YOU Charles? CHARLES    [hamming it up a bit]  I am Robert - Sir Robert - Jermyn, son of Philip and the daughter of his gamekeeper.  [offhand] They'll let anyone in, won't they?  Oh!  I am "Tall and fairly handsome, with a sort of weird Eastern grace.  A scholar and investigator, I studied scientifically the vast collection of relics which my mad grandfather brought from Africa. HERBERT    You should have given me the scientist.  At least I would know where I stand. CHARLES    Robert is an ethnologist and explorer, not a hard scientist. HERBERT    Even so. 5_alfred EDWARD    My turn!  I am Sir Alfred Jermyn, son of Nevil - wait, are we missing someone? WARREN    No, um Nevil is the son of Robert - you're Robert's grandson. EDWARD    Where's Nevil then? WARREN    He's um - we didn't have enough people.  I felt we could skip over Nevil - I'll fill in his details, should they become necessary. EDWARD    All right. WARREN    Don't worry - You'll like Alfred.  He ran away with the circus. EDWARD    What?  You're joking, right? WARREN    No, no - he actually literally ran away with the circus.  We'll come back to that. RICHARD    So I am Sir Arthur Jermyn.  Son of Alfred, the circus performer and a Music Hall singer.  [laughs]  And they blink at who we Americans decide to marry.  Arthur is a poet and a dreamer.  Oh, Warren, you had too much fun choosing who was to play what, didn't you?  "The poetic delicacy of Arthur Jermyn was the more remarkable because of his uncouth personal appearance. His expression, his facial angle, and the length of his arms gave a thrill of repulsion to those who met him for the first time." HERBERT    Sounds a bit like Abraham Lincoln. CHARLES    You know, it does.  How odd.  So now we know who we are.  What's next? 6_wade again WARREN    We go back to the beginning.  And that's me, Sir Wade.  Oh, first, there's been mention of the physical oddities that crept into the family line - I should state that before Sir Wade's time, portraits showed that the family was very typical of English nobility.  RICHARD    Chinless and pasty? CHARLES    Now now.  Every brit I've ever met has been perfectly nice. WARREN    You have to remember Sir Wade's era was the mid-18th century.  And there is no record of any physical issues, or madness before his time.  Or at least not out of the ordinary for the time and place. HERBERT    And state of medicine. WARREN    True.  Sir Wade made several trips to Africa, returning from one of those trips with a reclusive bride and new born son. EDWARD    And that's Herbert. HERBERT    Philip. WARREN    This bride was notable, for no one ever saw her - or at least not much of her.  She was supposed to have been the daughter of a Portuguese trader who despised English ways, and wouldn't have any English servants.  Wade  humored her, and put her up in a wing of her own at the estate, where no one saw her, or the child, but Wade himself. EDWARD    A woman who doesn't want go out to gossip or shop?  Quite a mythological figure. WARREN    His wife had accompanied him back from the second and longest of his trips, and left again with him on the third and final, never to return. RICHARD    But Wade returned - he hasn't yet gone mad.  We're all waiting for that. WARREN    The only thing ever said about the wife - even her name is left unrecorded - was that she had a violent disposition.  While they made the journey back to Africa, Wade would permit no one to care for his young son save a loathsome native woman from Guinea. EDWARD    This family sure knows how to pick their women, don't they? CHARLES    I notice you don't give names for any of them.  Funny how wives tend to be forgotten in these epic histories. WARREN    There's one among them, Arthur's mother herself, who was actually quite a fascinating character, and I might look further into her antecedents - but for the most part, the family made some odd choices, indeed. HERBERT    So far, I get the feeling that this is leading to a disquisition on eugenics, rather than on ethnology.  In other words, take a so-called "noble house" and marry in, generation after generation, people of dubious merits, and see how the line flows. WARREN    Well... that's a part of it. HERBERT    I'm rather surprised.  It is fascinating.  I've heard of similar experiments with rats - much easier to observe since their generations are months, rather than decades, apart.  And of course the difficulties of convincing a human family to participate. WARREN    I'm just pleased you're so enthusiastic.  Go ahead and read the second card, then. 7_second card HERBERT    Right.  [a bit more enthusiastically than the first time]  "As Philip grew out of infancy, his father started to avoid him, muttering wild stories about his encounters in Africa, but never making anything clear.  Philip grew up small but powerful, with incredible agility.  He married, but before his son was born, he joined the navy as a common sailor.  He made his way onto a merchantman in the African trade, and gained a reputation for feats of strength and climbing." EDWARD    Wait a minute - this is not gonna just turn into a big argument against intermarrying with native tribespeople, is it?  Was Wade's wife a Zulu or something? WARREN    Oh, no.  I would say that was surprisingly far from the point of the history, though you might well suspect it, since so much of the story centers around Africa.  But no, none of the individuals involved are Africans, tribal or otherwise. CHARLES    Interesting, I had a little idea about that myself. WARREN    Put it aside and let's finish with Philip. HERBERT    Ah, one last note.  Philip disappeared one night as the ship... what ship?  Ah, the merchantman.  As the ship lay off the Congo coast. EDWARD    Maybe he went looking for his mother - you said she went back to the Congo and never returned, right? RICHARD    And Philip was never heard from again? WARREN    More or less.  CHARLES    Oh? WARREN    Rumors.  We'll be there later. CHARLES    Me then? WARREN    Another short interlude - some details about Sir Wade's madness.  He spent a great deal of time at the local pub-- EDWARD    While avoiding his son? WARREN    Actually yes.  But he had a tendancy to rave while in his cups. RICHARD    Doesn't everyone? WARREN    And it was this rather - ahem - random talk that chiefly led his friends to deem him mad. He would often speak of wild sights and scenes under a Congo moon; of the gigantic walls and pillars of a forgotten city, crumbling and vine-grown, and of damp, silent, stone steps leading interminably down into the darkness of abysmal treasure-vaults and inconceivable catacombs. RICHARD    Oh!  Yes, I can see it.  I never really considered the artistic possibilities of Africa.  Hmm. WARREN    It was particularly unwise of him to rave of the strange creatures that populated such a city.  For he boasted of what he found in the jungle and of how he dwelt among terrible ruins and the creatures that inhabited them.   CHARLES    Little wonder he was locked away. WARREN    The wonder lay in that he showed no particular regret when being shut up.  In fact, he seemed to find the confinement comforting - as if something were being locked out, rather than he being locked in. EDWARD    Hmm.  I must make a note. 7_Robert CHARLES    Feel free.  It's my turn to reveal the next bit. WARREN    Oh, I should add that Robert broke the cycle and married a perfectly acceptable woman - a daughter of the seventh Viscount Brightholme - rather than following the - um - family tendency to pick entertainers and other... women at random. HERBERT    Did it help the line at all? WARREN    Actually, no.  Of the three children they had, two were never seen - they were kept locked away.  Presumably due to some hereditary defect.  HERBERT    [interested] Interesting. CHARLES    May I? WARREN    Oh, yes - go ahead. CHARLES    Now Philip is tall and handsome-- HERBERT    No, I'm Philip. You're my son Robert. CHARLES    Of course.  Robert was quite the scholar.  He scientifically studied - as best as possible in 1815 - the vast collection of relics which his mad grandfather - that's you, Warren, brought from Africa.  WARREN    It's really quite a pity, the way early explorers looted everything in sight.  All those things are of great historical value, and should be in the hands of researchers, not adorning trophy rooms. EDWARD    I read in the paper recently about someone selling a mummy at one of the big art auction houses.  Maybe the college should buy it. HERBERT    Most of the items that have spent time in personal collections are worthless anyway - in any scientific sense.  Without any provenance, there's no way to tell the real from the fake. WARREN    Precisely.  CHARLES    Can "Robert" get a word in edgewise? WARREN    So sorry.  Go on. CHARLES    Robert spent a great deal of time on his own expeditions into the interior of Africa.  In 1849, his second son, Nevil-- EDWARD    The non-deformed one? RICHARD    Non-deformed, but invisible. EDWARD    Maybe we should pull him up a chair. CHARLES    Nevil, a singularly repellent person, ran away with a vulgar dancer-- RICHARD    Another one! CHARLES    --but was pardoned upon his return in the following year. He came back a widower with an infant son, Alfred-- EDWARD    ta-da! CHARLES    Who was one day to be the father of Arthur Jermyn.   RICHARD    And I'm the one who set himself on fire? WARREN    We're not there yet.  But before we move on to Alfred, there's another tragic instance to recount.  Robert became a bit unhinged himself. CHARLES    Do I have a card for that? WARREN    Not really, I was just going to-- EDWARD    Get on with it. WARREN    An elderly man, Robert had spent years collecting the legends of the Onga tribe - native to the area of the expeditions taken by both Robert and his mad grandfather.  He expressed a desire to validate his grandfather's claims of a strange lost city, particularly one populated by the sort of creatures Wade used to rave about. HERBERT    Do you have any solid information about these creatures you keep hinting about? 8_crossbreeding WARREN    Not much, but accounts say Sir Wade made wild claims about a white tribe that had once lived in a stone city deep in the interior - though that, apparently, wasn't recent.  Others said that he claimed that while people built the city, it had been overrun with apes, but apes who were able to mix with the humans. HERBERT    Mix?  Are you talking getting together for tea, or interbreeding? WARREN    [flustered] It was - um - no details.   Um - that was someone's vague recollection in a journal, so it's anyone's best guess what Sir Wade actually said. HERBERT    Hmph.  Despite the persuasive nature of the evolutionary theory, there is no evidence that any strain of apes is close enough to humans to crossbreed. CHARLES    Crossbreeds aren't impossible.  Not with humans, of course, but there's always mules. EDWARD    I always pitied the donkey... WARREN    [loud clearing of throat] EDWARD    It's sort of like the Ooh-ah bird... WARREN    [louder clearing of throat]  EDWARD    Right. WARREN    So, through correspondence, Wade reached a fellow explorer, Samuel Seaton, who eventually made his way back to England and brought some interesting tales with him. RICHARD    How interesting? WARREN    No one knows. EDWARD    No one?  WARREN    Yes.  We can only conjecture from the effect it had on Sir Robert. HERBERT    Which was? WARREN    He went upstairs and killed all three of his children - Nevil and the two no one ever saw - before making every feasible attempt to kill himself. EDWARD    Holy cow! RICHARD    I thought you were one of the saner ones, Charles. CHARLES    Should I be killing someone now? HERBERT    "Every feasible attempt"? WARREN    He failed to end his own life and was locked away, dying two years later. HERBERT    What did the Seaton fellow say about it all? WARREN    Oh, nothing.  He was already dead - Robert strangled him first.  The only survivor was young Alfred.  It appeared that Nevil, for all his - um - EDWARD    Absentness? WARREN    Um - basically.  For all he lacked, he died in defense of his son.  And Alfred inherited the title before he could even walk. EDWARD    And he still ran away with the circus? HERBERT    Nothing survived of the information Seaton brought? WARREN    Pieces of correspondence survived.  Mostly notes of tales from the Onga tribe, who believed in a gray city peopled by white apes and ruled by a white god. EDWARD    [avid] My turn, right? WARREN    Almost. EDWARD    [disappointed noise] WARREN    I didn't think this would catch your fancy so well. CHARLES    It's quite an amusing idea, Warren.  Rather surprised, really. WARREN    Thank you.  [realizing] Oh. CHARLES    Pray continue. WARREN    Let's just move on to Edward - Um, Alfred. 9_circus EDWRD    [clears throat dramatically]  "Sir Alfred Jermyn was a baronet before his fourth birthday, but his tastes never matched his title.  At twenty he had joined a band of music-hall performers, and at thirty-six had deserted his wife and child to travel with an itinerant American circus. CHARLES    Quite apart from their tendency to marry beneath them, the men themselves tend to abscond, which doesn't speak much for nobility. HERBERT    An argument could be made that they're tainted from past generations. RICHARD     Or that rich men are just predisposed to be bastards - in the personality sense. EDWARD    [clears throat dramatically, hams it up]  "Alfred's end was very revolting!  Among the animals in the exhibition with which he travelled was a huge bull gorilla of lighter colour than the average." HERBERT    You mentioned something about white apes, didn't you?  Oh, no - it was a supposed white race in the interior.  Hmm... WARREN    [satisfied] And the apes that took over their city. HERBERT    Hmm. EDWARD    The beast was very popular among the performers. Alfred Jermyn was fascinated with this gorilla, and on many occasions the two would eye each other for long periods through the intervening bars. CHARLES    Sounds like he was a bit of- [realizing] oh! RICHARD    A what? CHARLES    [covering smoothly] Bit of an anthropologist himself. EDWARD    Alfred obtained permission to train the animal, astonishing audiences and fellow performers alike with his success. One morning, as the gorilla and Alfred were rehearsing an exceedingly clever boxing match, the beast hit him too hard. RICHARD    I thought it was kangaroos who were notable for boxing. CHARLES    Or orangutans - recall that odd story from out friend Auguste. EDWARD    I guess gorillas can box if they want to. RICHARD    What's next?  A female president? EDWARD    Of what followed, members of "The Greatest Show On Earth" do not like to speak. CHARLES    Oh, he was with Barnum!  Funny.  You never think of these tales happening in places you might actually have been. RICHARD    P.T. Barnum could hardly be called a place. CHARLES    You know what I mean. EDWARD    I know you keep interrupting me!  "They did not expect to hear Sir Alfred Jermyn emit a shrill, inhuman scream, or see him seize the gorilla with both hands, dash it to the floor of the cage, and bite fiendishly at its hairy throat. The gorilla retaliated and before anything could be done, the body which had belonged to a baronet was past recognition."  [taking a bow]  Thank you! Thank you very much!  CHARLES     There's one born every minute. [quoting Barnum] HERBERT    One what? CHARLES    Idiot who wants to box a wild animal, I suppose.  Well, Richard, I suppose you will be ending this little tale? a1_Arthur RICHARD    Am I? WARREN    Oh, just a moment...  Right.  A few notes first.  [aside, to Edward]  I thought you might enjoy that bit. EDWARD    Cheers. WARREN     Can't find my notes just now, but if you'd like to go on, Richard, I'll interject as things come up? RICHARD    Certainly.  Arthur Jermyn was the son of Sir Alfred Jermyn and a music-hall singer of unknown origin. WARREN    If I may interject? CHARLES     That was short. RICHARD    Go ahead. WARREN    This woman - whose name was never recorded, but I don't doubt I could find it if need be, since she only died in 1911, I believe, was the one I mentioned earlier as being quite an interesting character. HERBERT     Not the titled lady? WARREN     No she appears to have been very ... stolid.  Arthur's mother, however, was determined.  When Alfred left them, or possibly after his horrid death, she apparently marched right into Jermyn house, infant son on her hip-- CHARLES    Not even a perambulator to her name? RICHARD    Makes for a prettier and more destitute picture. WARREN    Babe in arms, anyway, and took over.  She apparently stood toe to toe with any and all opposition on behalf of her son.  HERBERT    People will do most anything for money. RICHARD    Women, particularly. WARREN    That's the rub.  There was almost no money left, per se.  There was the title, and some land, and Jermyn house, and not much else.  And yet she claimed it on behalf of her son.  And apparently did a reasonably good job of running the estate during his childhood - got at least enough money out of it to send Arthur to decent schools and see to it he had some idea of family and history. CHARLES    Brave woman.  RICHARD    Very well.  So "my mother" had redeeming qualities above and beyond her social status.  May I go on? WARREN    I have a bit more.  Arthur Jermyn was not like any other Jermyn before him, for he was a poet and a dreamer. EDWARD    Ta-da! RICHARD    As an artist, I can sympathize, anyway. WARREN    Locals attributed his sensitivity to the Latin blood of his Portuguese great-great-great... great? a2_great great EDWARD    Let's see, I'm great - Charles is great great-- CHARLES    Don't forget invisible Nevil. WARREN    You know who I mean, anyway.  Besides, most people just chalked it up to his music-hall mother - who, of course, was never accepted by the gentry.  EDWARD    [silly brit voice] Oh, no, of course not! CHARLES    How horrible! WARREN    While his nature was poetic, his appearance was just the opposite.  Most of the Jermyns had possessed a subtly odd and repellent cast, but Arthur's case was very striking. RICHARD    Ape-like? WARREN    [lying poorly] Um, uh - possibly.  I suppose. RICHARD    [chuckles]  I, Arthur Jermyn, being of sound mind and ugly body... [laughs] "took highest honours at Oxford and seemed likely to redeem the intellectual fame of the family." CHARLES    Oxford?  Kudos to "your mother" indeed. RICHARD    [aside] I'll tell her when I see her.  [narrating] Arthur planned to continue the work of his forefathers in African ethnology and antiquities, utilising the truly wonderful though strange collection of Sir Wade. HERBERT    Which, though valueless in many ways, having been tossed about by a collector, would still be fascinating to see. WARREN    [eager] I daresay!  Who knows what he may have found in-- RICHARD    [loud] The prehistoric civilisation in which the mad explorer had so implicitly believed? Arthur explored tale after tale about the silent jungle city and the nameless, unsuspected race of jungle hybrids mentioned in Warren's journal.  WARREN    Wade. RICHARD    [shrugs] Right person, wrong name.  Sounds like a clear case of morbid fascination, though, for he sought out more information after his mother's death in 1911, and even made an expedition himself as soon as he could liquidate some assets to fund it. WARREN    That's not precisely what's on the card. RICHARD    I'm embellishing.  "Arranging with the Belgian authorities for a party of guides, he spent a year in the Onga and Kahn country.  Among the Kaliris was an aged chief called Mwanu, who possessed not only a highly retentive memory, but a singular degree of interest in old legends." a2_Mwanu WARREN    Mwanu even added his own account of the stone city and the white apes. MWANU    Many long years it has been since things walked in the city of grey stones.  And many years more and more since man ever trod the paths within.  WARREN    He told Jermyn of the N'bangu tribe, which had annihilated the beings within the city, and destroyed many of the structures. MWANU    Every ape lay dying.  Every ape lay dead.  The chief of the N'Bangus, him they called Iron foot, trod on the bodies of the enemy, for they were no more than dirt to him.  And lo, in their wicked shrine, in the center of the ruined city, lay the prize Iron Foot had come to possess. WARREN    What they had come for was apparently a mummy.  It was called, among the various local tribes, the "white goddess" and was supposed to be the remains of one of the ape-things' queens, preserved and revered for ... [hinting] just over a century. MWANU    The white goddess was a queen in her own right, when she lived like mortals live - down among the hairy folk.  But came a god from a distant land far to the west!  He wore the sun for a crown and strode the land on giant feet.  WARREN    Apparently this strange new "god" married the princess - later known as the white goddess - and they ruled the ape-city together. EDWARD    This is starting to sound a bit like a Burroughs fancy, though I don't think Tarzan ever stooped to "wooing" apes. RICHARD    I always say live and let live, but that's a bit outside even my tolerance. CHARLES    That is assuming the strange god was a human, and in fact was-- [cuts himself off] are we assuming? WARREN    We'll assume in a moment.  Mwanu had an interesting little end to his tale. MWANU    When the princess bore the god a son, they returned to the homeland of the god.  It was many, many moons before the god and princess returned, for the princess was lonely in the distant world and wished for the company of her own people.  They ruled but a short time, before the princess left her mortal life and rose to the top of the great world tree. EDWARD    She died? WARREN    I hope so.  You see-- MWANU    The god, stricken with grief at her passing and loathe to lose her, mummified the body, so he would always know she remained in the city, awaiting his return. RICHARD    [creeped out]  Romantic. CHARLES    I - I am at a loss for words.  Impressive. SOUND    [slight golf clap from Herbert] WARREN    Though the god never returned to reclaim his princess, the white goddess, as it was now called, became a symbol of supremacy to all the neighboring tribes - which is why the N'bangu felt the need to capture it. RICHARD    They should have stuck with a flag. MWANU    Many moons later yet, the child of the princess and the god, grown to impressive manhood, found his way to the city to claim his rightful place.  RICHARD    Really? CHARLES    And what happened to him? WARREN    Sadly, Mwanu didn't know.  [briskly] Whatever the truth behind any of the legends, they make for picturesque storytelling. a3_lost city CHARLES    Herbert?  You've been awfully quiet. HERBERT    I'm ...interested.  We still haven't made the leap from unlikely legends to Richard going up in flames.  Pray continue, Warren. WARREN    In early 1912, Arthur found the fabled lost city, or what was left of it.  It was apparently rather smaller than he had expected.  Unfortunately, the modest size of the expedition prevented operations toward clearing the one visible passageway that seemed to lead down into the system of vaults which Sir Wade had mentioned. EDWARD    You never mentioned underground vaults before! RICHARD    Oh yes he did.  WARREN    It's really just mentioned in passing. CHARLES    And it was blocked up. WARREN    They spoke with as many natives and chiefs as they could, but found no further information on the white goddess, except that the N'bangu had it. EDWARD    Probably performed unspeakable rites and rituals beneath the glassy eyes of the once-living thing. WARREN    Very likely.  Finally, Arthur was introduced to a Monsieur Verhaeren, Belgian agent at a trading post-- RICHARD    Is the congo still under Belgian control? CHARLES    If it isn't, the change must have been rather recent.  WARREN    Verhaeren claimed he could not only locate, but obtain the stuffed goddess VERHAEREN    C'est vrai.  These once mighty N'bangus are now the submissive servants of King Albert's government.  Ignorant savages.  Some beads and trinkets, perhaps some rum, and I could get them to part with their own mothers. WARREN    Jermyn sailed for England, therefore, with the exultant probability that he would, within a few months, receive a priceless ethnological relic and confirm the wildest of his great-great-great-grandfather's stories. CHARLES    Wildest?  Perhaps not.  Frankly, I wouldn't want to see proof of some of the implications. HERBERT    The miscegenation?  That's actually what I'm finding the most fascinating to consider. a4_Missagewhozits EDWARD    Missagewhozits?  CHARLES    Finish first.  Once you let Herbert start, there's no telling where it might end. WARREN    Arthur Jermyn waited.  Meanwhile, he studied the papers and reports of his great-- um-- Sir Wade.  He found it interesting that while there was much whispering about the mysterious and secluded wife, no tangible relic of her remained. EDWARD    What, you expect someone stuffed her, too? CHARLES    Ahem.  I think he means a portrait, or a lock of hair, even a journal of her own.  WARREN    And there was nothing.  Jermyn put it down to Wade's insanity, figuring that she might have angered him by contradicting some of his wild Africa tales, particularly since she had also spent time on the dark continent. CHARLES    Or perhaps they'd just had an efficient maid or two in the intervening century. [hinting] WARREN    ahem.  In June of 1913, a letter arrived from Monsieur Verhaeren, saying he had found the stuffed goddess!  He averred it was a most extraordinary object, quite beyond the power of a layman to classify. Whether it was human or simian only a scientist could determine. RICHARD    Unless, like such artifacts from Barnum and his brethren the world over, it was made piecemeal. CHARLES    Stitched out of whole cloth? RICHARD    More like a crazy quilt. WARREN    And, of course, time and the Congo climate are not kind to mummies. HERBERT    I shudder to think of the depredations of insects, and mildew.  [ugg - shudder noise] WARREN    And apparently this one was not preserved by a craftsman with any sort of skill.  And yet, it was still intact, in the whole, and recognizable, so they couldn't fault him over much. HERBERT    Mummies are primarily preserved through drying.  How could anyone ever undertake that in a damp and steamy jungle? A6_ALMOST DONE WARREN    Almost done now.  Where was I?  Ah!  Around the creature's neck was a golden chain bearing an empty locket on which were armorial designs - no doubt some hapless traveller's keepsake, taken by the N'bangus and hung upon the goddess as a charm. HERBERT    No doubt. CHARLES    Utter coincidence. WARREN    In commenting on the mummy's appearance, the Belgian expressed a humorous wonder just how it would strike his correspondent-- RICHARD    Me, in case anyone has forgotten during the intermission. WARREN    But these hints really don't give much to go on.  The boxed object was delivered to Jermyn on the afternoon of August 3, 1913, and was conveyed immediately to the large chamber which housed the collection of African specimens. RICHARD    The final card now? EDWARD    He got an extra card? WARREN    Richard has the artistic temperament.  [to Richard] Just one more moment.  [to all] What ensued can best be gathered from the tales of the servants and from things later examined.  Aged Soames, the family butler, tells the most ample and coherent tale. A6_SOAMES SOAMES    Sure and the master sent all of us away, wanting to be alone with his new treasure.  This was not unusual, and none thought twice on it.  We heard the sound of hammer and chisel when he opened the box almost right away - that excited he was to clap eyes on't.  WARREN    Shortly, there came a terrible scream. RICHARD    [screams] WARREN    [surpised noise] Gah!  That wasn't part of the-- RICHARD    Artistic license.  It comes with artistic temperament.  Ready now? WARREN    Warn me next time.  Yes. RICHARD    Immediately after, Jermyn emerged from the room, rushing frantically about as if pursued, and finally disappearing down the stairs to the cellar. The servants were utterly dumbfounded, and watched at the head of the stairs, but a smell of oil was all that came up from the regions below. WARREN    After dark, a rattling was heard at the door leading from the cellar into the courtyard; and a stable-boy saw Arthur Jermyn, glistening from head to foot with oil and redolent of that fluid, steal furtively out and vanish on the black moor surrounding the house. RICHARD    Then, in an exaltation of supreme horror, a spark appeared on the moor, a flame arose, and a pillar of human fire reached to the heavens. The house of Jermyn no longer existed! HERBERT    Did he at least leave a note? WARREN    No, but the fragments that add up to the horror he discovered were clearly found and assembled afterward, principally the thing in the box. HERBERT    His ancestress. CHARLES    Don't jump ahead. EDWARD    [snort] Funny. WARREN    The stuffed goddess was a nauseous sight, withered and eaten away, but it was clearly a mummified white ape of some unknown species, less hairy than any recorded variety, and infinitely nearer mankind - quite shockingly so. HERBERT    Was it supposed to be a secret?  I thought warren made it eminently clear. EDWARD    You're serious?  Warren? WARREN    [sigh] Yes.  [chuckles]  The arms on the golden locket about the creature's neck were the Jermyn arms, and the ... resemblance between the shrivelled face to none other than the sensitive Arthur Jermyn applied with vivid, ghastly, and unnatural horror. HERBERT    This should lead to an interesting field of study - do you think the white apes she belonged to might still exist in the congo? EDWARD    No, they were wiped out by the nubumbums. HERBERT    Is the mummy at least intact? WARREN    Oh, no.  Members of the Royal Anthropological Institute burned the thing and threw the locket into a well. HERBERT    [almost yelling] They did what? CHARLES    [sigh] Thus endeth the lesson. HERBERT    [still loud, fading out] And they call themselves scientists? CLOSING

None of this is what I expected it to be, but is that new? Welcome to the It's Not that Serious Podcast. This episode is my “current” summary and intro of what is to come in this podcast, and how season one goes down. This Podcast was started back in JUNE! And I feel like an entirely different person as I begin to record season two. Some of these episodes in szn 1 feel a bit cringy to me, but alas... we don't look back friends, only forward.   Follow your yes. Fully lean into whatever you are creating, and stop trying to change the past versions of it.   Did I just write this to me??    Hmph. The most real podcast you will ever see will be nothing but full, messy transparency.   Love you, thanks for being here. -Courtney   Join Our Community: www.instagram.com/itsnotthatseriouspodcast   Music: Synapse by Shane Ivers  - https://www.silvermansound.com

Five friends gather for another story - this one of an artist doomed for his curiousity.   Cast List Edward - Bryan Hendrickson Charles - Michael Coleman (Tales of the Extraordinary) Warren - Glen Hallstrom Richard - Philemon Vanderbeck Herbert - Carl Cubbedge Blake - Derek Fetters (Unspeakable and Inhuman) Music by Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock   "What kind of a place is it? Why it's another brownstone dinner party, can't you tell?" ***************************************************************** THE HAUNTER OF THE DARK (Lovecraft 5, #2) Cast: Edward, a writer Charles, a dilettante Herbert, a scientist Richard, a painter Warren, a professor Robert Blake, deceased writer OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's Charles' house again, can't you tell?  MUSIC SOUND     MUSIC, but muffled SOUND    CUPBOARD CLOSES, FEET APPROACH CHARLES    Try this one. SOUND    BOX HANDED OVER EDWARD    Thanks.  [quiet, a bit diffident] And... and I appreciate your putting us up tonight, Charles. CHARLES    [breezily covering] In my own interest, I assure you.  I've no wish to climb five flights of rickety stairs and squat in your cramped dormer just to hear a story. SOUND    WALKING EDWARD    And I have no wish to disappoint you.  [perking up]  Though you really can't knock the cramped dormer for atmosphere... CHARLES    We'll just look at this as my way of supporting the arts, shall we? SOUND    DOOR OPENS SOUND    MUSIC LESS MUFFLED, SOUND OF FIREPLACE CHARLES    Here we are. SOUND    WALKING IN WARREN    Aha! HERBERT     There you are! RICHARD    Where did you have to go for it?  China? CHARLES    I knew I had a few of these still lying around.  Just take one to start - they're wicked sour. SOUND    BOX OPENS, PICKING OUT CANDIES CHARLES    Richard? RICHARD    Perhaps just one.  [pops into mouth, reacts]  WARREN    [chuckles]  I've tried many kinds of native confectionery in my travels, back in the day.  [puts into mouth, reacts, but tries not to]  [slightly breathless] Ah, yes.  Much like the salted ginger prunes I tried in [deep breath] Hong Kong [coughs slightly] in 1907. RICHARD    So jaded, Warren.  [teasing] Aren't you having one, Herbert? HERBERT    I've never understood the point of discomfiting oneself by eating painful food.  EDWARD    [trying not to pucker] It's really quite tasty. HERBERT    I'll stick to my drink, thank you very much. SOUND    BOX SET DOWN, SHUT CHARLES    Can't blame you, though I find myself rather more partial to these than I ought.  [pops something into mouth, then talks around it with no apparent difficulty]  So, Edward? SOUND    SECOND BOX SET DOWN ON TABLE EDWARD    Um!  [removes candy with a slight slurp]  Right.  Of course. SOUND    SHUFFLING PAPERS HERBERT    Isn't this supposed to be a true story? EDWARD    [baffled] Yes, why do you ask? HERBERT    Why the manuscript, then?  How can we trust anything you've written down to be fact and not one of your fantastical fictions? WARREN    He has a point. EDWARD    Oh, that's simple.  I didn't write any of this.  RICHARD    [give it] Here.  SOUND    PAPER CHANGES HANDS RICHARD    [agreeing] Well.  It's certainly not your handwriting.  [to Edward] Is it some long lost maiden aunt? HERBERT    Let me look.  Hmph.  Spiky.  WARREN    [looking over his shoulder]  Copperplate.  Quaint. EDWARD    Are the experts satisfied? HERBERT    I reserve judgment. WARREN    [chuckles]  I'm not such a stickler for provenance - after all, you're not one of my students. RICHARD    Tell us then, raconteur, who is it that inspires this tale? EDWARD    Robert Blake. RICHARD    [sharp] Blake?  SOUND    SNATCHES PAPERS RICHARD    [urgent] This is Blake's?  What is it?  How did you get it?  SOUND    PAPERS SNATCHED BACK EDWARD    All in good time.  [sniffs annoyedly] SOUND    PAPERS BEING STRAIGHTENED, PLOPPED DOWN EDWARD    [with import, beginning his tale] This?  SOUND    PATS PAPERS AND BOX EDWARD    This is all that's left of Robert Blake. RICHARD    He-- [cuts himself off] EDWARD    [intense] You were about to say - Blake died, 17 days ago, during a storm that knocked out half the electricity in the city.  Died... under very peculiar circumstances, indeed. WARREN    [after a slight pause] And for those of us less acquainted with the deceased? EDWARD    Huh? CHARLES    Yes.  Who is - was - Robert Blake? EDWARD    You haven't heard of him? HERBERT    I vaguely recall something about a Blake.  Isn't he some kind of artist?  Considered rather... blasphemous?  EDWARD    Blake was a writer and a painter, yes. HERBERT    But I was under the impression he was long-dead.  A century or more. EDWARD    [puzzled] No.  Robert died 17 days ago-- WARREN    Oh!  I expect you're thinking of William Blake.  RICHARD    The one who painted the great red dragon and the woman clothed in the sun? HERBERT    [snort of derision]  I don't waste precious memory on such trivia.  I can put names to three paintings - the Mona Lisa, the Last Supper, and Whistler's Mother.  And that's only because those are ubiquitous. CHARLES    Any chance that the two painting Blakes are connected somehow? EDWARD    Dunno.  Could be.  Hmm.  Robert hailed from Milwaukee, but I don't know anything more about his family.  [shrugs] It would explain some of Robert's peculiar artistic leanings. RICHARD    I've met Blake - this Blake - on several occasions.  I can't say I like - liked - him, but I didn't dislike him either.  His work was rather ... unusual.  Though I'm only acquainted with his paintings. EDWARD    His writing was just as odd - both fiction and non.  This [taps the papers] is supposedly the latter.  A journal.  [with heavy import]  His last days. CHARLES    Ahhh... SOUND    OPENS BOX, TAKES CANDY WARREN    How did you come by it? EDWARD    Let me start at the beginning.  Blake and I have been informally acquainted for years.  We interacted through the magazines that carried our works, corresponded now and then, and [chuckles] lampooned each other a bit.  I wrote a mad protagonist once named Blake Roberts, and he in turn-- RICHARD    Hmph.  His paintings show no trace of a sense of humor. CHARLES    There's more to any man than shows in his public face. WARREN    Who said that? CHARLES    [dry, teasing]  Thought I did. WARREN     [sigh] Never mind. RICHARD    [prompting] Blake? EDWARD    [overriding them all, narrating] Cautious investigators will hesitate to challenge the common belief that Robert Blake was killed by lightning, or by some profound nervous shock derived from an electrical discharge. RICHARD    Lightning?  I thought he died in his rooms. HERBERT    Was he burned? EDWARD    Not at all.  WARREN    But the papers put it down to lightning? EDWARD    I know I'm more used to writing a story than telling it, but you fellows should give me some room to breathe, here.  Stop jumping on me every time I come up for air!  EVERYONE    [mumbled apologies] EDWARD    [poetry] I have seen the dark universe yawning Where the black planets roll without aim, Where they roll in their horror unheeded, Without knowledge or lustre or name. CHARLES    Yours, or his? EDWARD    [chuckles] His.  [deep breath]  All right, now I have written some notes to follow, condensing some of this, and including some outside information.  So don't get confused.  SOUND    RUSTLE OF PAPERS EDWARD    Blake died with a horrible expression on his face.  The police and coroner blame it on the sudden contraction of the musculature due to the sudden ingress of electricity. WARREN    It's not unheard of. EDWARD     But the entries in his diary might suggest another source of the horrible grimace.  Fear. RICHARD    Scared to death? EDWARD    Or scared at the moment of death.  Either way, it's no doubt he worked himself up into a state of absolute terror shortly before his demise.  His diary entries are clearly the result of a fantastic imagination aroused by certain local superstitions. RICHARD    Local to here? EDWARD    Providence.  WARREN    [knowingly] Rhode Island. EDWARD    Blake is - was a writer and painter devoted to the field of myth, dream, terror, and superstition-- RICHARD    Sounds like someone we know.  Hmm? EDWARD    [sigh] His end began with a deserted church on Federal Hill. WARREN    What denomination? SOUND     PAPERS SHUFFLE EDWARD    The notes don't say what it started as.  Probably doesn't matter.  It was bought and rededicated to something called the Starry Wisdom sect. HERBERT    Starry Wisdom?  Astronomers? EDWARD    [chuckles] There's definitely some star-gazing involved in their beliefs. WARREN    [musing] Starry wisdom.... starry wisdom.... Hmm.  I've heard something about them.  [dismissive]  It will come to me. EDWARD    He took up residence in Providence last winter, in the upper floor of a "venerable dwelling where huge, friendly cats sunned themselves atop a convenient shed". HERBERT    He writes about cats?  [disparaging]  He was an only child, wasn't he? EDWARD    [sigh]  He also writes a lot about the local architecture, but I'll skip that as well.  BLAKE     My desk faces a window commanding a splendid view of the lower town's outspread roofs and the mystical sunsets that flame behind them. HERBERT    [dismissive] Cats... and sunsets. EDWARD    Some two miles away rose the spectral hump of Federal Hill. BLAKE    [diary] I have a curious sense that I gaze out upon some unknown, ethereal world which might or might not vanish in dream if I ever tried to seek it out and enter it in person. EDWARD    Blake settled down to write and paint.  During that first winter he produced five of his best-known short stories - The Burrower Beneath, The Stairs in the Crypt-- CHARLES    Oh, that was a corker. HERBERT    You actually read this nonsense? CHARLES    O'course.  Have a subscription and all. EDWARD    Blake also painted seven canvases that season - studies of nameless, unhuman monsters, and profoundly alien, non-terrestrial landscapes. RICHARD    My favorites.  If I do say so myself, though, I do better with....beings, while he should stick - have stuck - to exteriors. EDWARD    But the church kept drawing his thoughts.  BLAKE    At sunset the great tapering steeple loomed blackly against the flaming sky. RICHARD    [speculative] Makes me wish I was more familiar with Providence. EDWARD    Blake made his first and only pilgrimage to the building just before the aeon-shadowed Walpurgis time. HERBERT    What? WARREN    Also known as May eve.  Ostensibly, it's the festival of Saint Walpurga-- RICHARD    There's a name for you.  CHARLES    What was she the saint of? WARREN    Not my area.  But I say "ostensibly", since it was one of those pagan holidays that the church found they couldn't quite ever abolish, so they replaced it, figuring if the populace wanted a holy day, it might as well be a proper Catholic one. RICHARD    And the pagan holiday it replaced? WARREN    Beltane.  A spring fertility festival.  It was a counterpart to All Hallow's Eve - note that they fall on opposite ends of the calendar.  RICHARD     The nights that witches fly!  EDWARD    So he took a walk sometime in late April. BLAKE    I noted the foreign signs over curious shops in brown, decade-weathered buildings. Now and then a battered church façade or crumbling spire came in sight, but never the blackened pile I sought. EDWARD    It was like a labyrinth.  None of the streets went anywhere.  When he asked a shopkeeper about the church, the man's face blanched with fear, and Blake saw him make a curious sign with his right hand. WARREN    Does it say what the sign looked like? Perhaps something like this? CHARLES    Isn't that the same hand gesture you see in ancient paintings of sages and saints? RICHARD    It appears often in Hindu art as well. BLAKE    [cutting in] Suddenly a black spire stood out against the cloudy sky to the left. Twice I lost my way, but somehow dared not ask any help. EDWARD    And then he was there.  In a wind-swept open square towered over by the grim bulk of the decrepit church. BLAKE    I wondered how the panes of the gothic windows could have survived, in view of the known habits of small boys the world over. WARREN    [laughing]  I think we all had our turn in our youth.  Why I remember-- CHARLES    Knee breeches and buckle shoes?  When you write your own reminiscences, and then die in a strange and terrifying way, then we can discuss it.  Go on, Edward. EDWARD    It took Blake some time, both to clear the fence and to find a shiftable basement window, but finally he was inside. BLAKE    The colossal nave was an almost eldritch place with its drifts of dust. Over all this hushed desolation played a hideous leaden light as the declining afternoon sun sent its rays through the strange, half-blackened panes of the great apsidal windows. EDWARD    The stained glass windows seemed to give Blake a nervous moment - both because they were heavily encrusted with soot, and, in a more subtle way, from the subject matter. BLAKE    The few saints depicted bore expressions distinctly open to criticism, while one of the windows seemed to show merely a dark space with spirals of curious luminosity scattered about in it. RICHARD    "Open to criticism"?  That's all he said?  That conjures up far too many possibilities!  EDWARD    That's all. RICHARD    [frustrated noise]  Oh.  They could be cannibalistic, or lascivious, or cross-eyed. EDWARD    Don't know.  In a rear room, Blake found shelves of mildewed, disintegrating books. BLAKE     They were the black, forbidden things which most sane people have never even heard of, or have heard of only in furtive, timorous whispers. EDWARD    You know the type. WARREN    [avid] Oh, yes, but did he give any details? EDWARD    There's a whole list - but it's not really germane to-- CHARLES    Resign yourself, dear boy.  Let Warren salivate a bit. EDWARD    [sigh] Here. SOUND    PAPER MOVES WARREN    Excellent!  [musing]  Necronomicon, yes - ah, in Latin!  That would be the Vermius translation. EDWARD    He also grabbed a small notebook filled with entries in some cryptic code. WARREN    [muttering] The Liber Ivonis?  Sinister.  [chuckles]  Ah, the infamous Cultes des Goules of Comte d'Erlette-- HERBERT    [sigh, disdainful]  You sound like a zealot saying his rosaries - or whatever they say. RICHARD    He sounds like a collector. WARREN    [wistful]  If only.  [normal] But I must be satisfied caring for the collections of others.  Most of these books shouldn't be in the hands of any individual anyway.  They are much too-- RICHARD    Evil? HERBERT    Evil is a construct of morality. CHARLES    Oh, lord-- HERBERT    As is religion. EDWARD    I don't think a book, at least, CAN be evil. You can only be evil if you have free will. WARREN    Oh, now this is my field, and when I tell you the Unaussprechlichen Kulten of von Junzt, or old Ludvig Prinn's hellish De Vermis Mysteriis is an evil book, you may take my word. SOUND    SNATCH OF PAPER WARREN    [upset] Hey! CHARLES    You may have it back at the end of class. EVERYONE    [Chuckles] EDWARD    So.  [looking for his place] Room full of creepy books, Blake takes the diary, goes upstairs.  Right.  Aha! SOUND    SLAPS PAPER DOWN, WOOD BOX STARTS TO SHIFT.  A STRANGE CHIMING NOISE.  CATCH BOX EDWARD    [gasp!]  CHARLES    Oh!  Best watch that! EDWARD    Yeah. WARREN    What IS it? CHARLES    [overly nonchalant] A box.  What does it look like? EDWARD    [back to narration] Blake found a room upstairs, faintly lit by screened windows.  In one corner, a ladder led up to the closed trap door of the windowless steeple. BLAKE    In the centre of the dust-laden floor rose a curiously angled stone pillar some four feet in height and two in diameter, covered on each side with bizarre, crudely incised and wholly unrecognizable hieroglyphs. EDWARD     On this pillar rested a metal box of peculiarly asymmetrical form-- RICHARD    [knowing] Ah.  Boxes. HERBERT    "Asymmetrical"?  Nothing more specific? EDWARD    That's all his notes say-- HERBERT    How unspecific.  Asymmetrical merely means lacking in symmetry, which in turn means without any axis you could draw which would create a mirror image one side to the other. EDWARD    Huh? CHARLES    Symmetrical means the same on both sides-- HERBERT    [correcting] Mirror image on both sides. CHARLES    Right.  So, for instance your face is symmetrical-- HERBERT    No human face is perfectly symmetrical.  Nothing lines up exactly if you look close enough. CHARLES    Roughly symmetrical, then.  You have an eye on each side of a nose, which has two nostrils to balance one another, and so on. WARREN     So as a way to picture an asymmetrical face, you might have an eye down on the jawline, and the nose up at the temple? CHARLES    Only if there wasn't a comparable eye and nose to match on the other side of the face. HERBERT    So was this box only as asymmetrical as a typical face, or was it grossly unbalanced? EDWARD    Uh... the notes just say asymmetrical. HERBERT    [annoyed sigh]  Laymen. EDWARD    That box isn't important anyway - it's long gone.  But what it held... BLAKE    Beneath decade-deep dust was an egg-shaped or irregularly spherical object some four inches through. HERBERT    [starting again] Irregularly spherical? CHARLES    Oh, not again! EDWARD    The four-inch irregular sphere turned out, once the dust was gone, to be a nearly black, red-striated polyhedron with many irregular flat surfaces; either a very remarkable crystal of some sort or an artificial object of carved and highly polished mineral matter. HERBERT    Crystals form naturally according to-- CHARLES    Hush!  HERBERT    Hmph. EDWARD    [placating] So it was carved that way.  Good point. BLAKE    Once exposed, it exerted an almost alarming fascination. I could scarcely tear my eyes from it.  EDWARD    But he did.  I mean, he must have, since he notes there was something else in the room.  Or, should I say, someone?  In the far corner, right at the foot of the ladder, was a hump of dust-- BLAKE    Hand and handkerchief soon revealed a human skeleton. I examined a reporter's badge, a celluloid advertising calendar for 1893, some cards with the name "Edwin M. Lillibridge", and a paper covered with pencilled memoranda. EDWARD    Blake copied the text into his diary, for fear the paper would eventually crumble away to nothing. CHARLES    I think I'll have another-- SOUND    SHIFT OF BOX EDWARD    [a little too vehement] Not that box!  I mean, the candy is in YOUR box. Over there. CHARLES    [bit of a smirk] Oh.  How forgetful of me. WARREN    What is it with the boxes?  RICHARD    [knowing laugh] EDWARD    The notes were typical journalistic jottings, a list of dates and events - all involving the church.  From "Prof. Enoch Bowen home from Egypt May 1844 - buys Church in July" the notes list a number of instances of people speaking or acting against Starry Wisdom, and finally, in April 1877, a number of members were apparently run out of town for their "beliefs." WARREN    Ah!  THAT's what I've been trying to remember!  Starry Wisdom, indeed.  Weren't they accused of human sacrifice? EDWARD    The notes do list a number of disappearances attributed to them.  Here, see for yourself. SOUND    PAPER BEING PASSED HERBERT    [dryly sarcastic] Because, of course, no one ever leaves home of their own accord. CHARLES    The community around was mostly catholic.  Pretty tightly knit. RICHARD    Tightly wound, too, from the sound of it.  Here it says that a mob of "Irish boys" - shouldn't that be "lads"? - attacked the church, but it doesn't say what came of it. EDWARD    The locals assumed whatever was going on was devil worship.  That's certainly why Lillibridge broke in. BLAKE    They say the Shining Trapezohedron shows them heaven and other worlds, and that the Haunter of the Dark tells them secrets. HERBERT    Did Lillibridge fall off the ladder?  That could easily snap a man's neck, given enough height, or the proper trajectory.  EDWARD    The cause was ... uncertain. BLAKE    I stooped over the gleaming bones. Some of them were badly scattered, and a few seemed oddly ...dissolved at the ends. The skull was in a very peculiar state - stained yellow, and with a charred aperture in the top as if some powerful acid had eaten through the solid bone. EDWARD    Before he realized it, Blake found himself staring at the trapezohedron again, and letting its curious influence call up images in his head. BLAKE    [very spooky] And beyond all else I glimpsed an infinite gulf of darkness, where solid and semisolid forms were known only by their windy stirrings, and cloudy patterns of force seemed to superimpose order on chaos and hold forth a key to all the paradoxes and arcana of the worlds we know. HERBERT    [disgusted] Purple prose. RICHARD    It's very evocative. WARREN    There are certain primitive tribes who ingest drugs to glimpse just such visions. CHARLES    Not another-- WARREN    No, really, I was just about to say that if there was some item that caused "visions", it could easily have become the central focus of a religious cabal. CHARLES    Good and concise. WARREN     If I was gong to wax on, it would be to draw a comparison to the myth of Pandora, or some other famous myth regarding the dangers of curiosity. CHARLES    Well, thank goodness you restrained yourself. EDWARD    Blake finally managed to pull himself away.  Probably noticed the day was waning, and he hadn't thought to bring a torch. BLAKE    It was then, in the gathering twilight, that I thought I saw a faint trace of luminosity in the crazily angled stone. Was there a subtle phosphorescence of radio-activity about the thing? HERBERT    Finally something I can grasp.  Radio-activity is a concrete scientific essence, and could easily be the source of any number of superstitious explanations. CHARLES    If it comes up again, we'll consult you. BLAKE    I seized the cover of the long-open box and snapped it down. At the sharp click of that closing, a soft stirring sound seemed to come from the steeple's eternal blackness overhead, beyond the trap-door. EDWARD    That finally frightened him, and he plunged wildly out into the street, running all the way home. CHARLES    Didn't get lost this time? WARREN    [wistful] I don't suppose the church is still there - you said this all happened fairly recently? EDWARD    It burned down the day after Blake's death.  WARREN    Blast.  Evil or not, those books are a great loss to the general body of human knowledge. EDWARD    During the days which followed, Blake did a lot of research, and worked feverishly at the cryptogram in the notebook. CHARLES    I do like a good cryptogram.  EDWARD    He says he solved the code in June, but didn't bother to include an actual translation in here. There are sketchy references to a "Haunter of the Dark" that could be awakened by someone gazing into the Shining Trapezohedron. RICHARD    You mean, just as he had looked into it? EDWARD    And he clearly believed that he had inadvertently summoned it. WARREN    Hah!  Like Pandora - letting the cat out of the bag, or rather the monsters out of the box. RICHARD    He didn't open the box.  Just gazed into the stone.  The box was already open. WARREN    A metaphorical opening of the way, then - still amounts to the same thing. HERBERT    Some creature from an undefined place regarded this stone as what - the operator on its personal telephone exchange? EDWARD    He felt like it was just watching for its chance to walk abroad.  He also notes, however, that the streetlights seemed to keep it trapped - forming a bulwark of light against its escape. WARREN    Throughout history, light has been the enemy of evil.  Whether it's sunlight causing harm to a shade or the reversion to human of a lycanthrope with the dawn. RICHARD    And ghosts don't walk around by day - it would fade their sheets. EDWARD    Blake writes a lot about the Shining Trapezohedron, calling it a window on all time and space, and trying to trace its largely unbelievable history. HERBERT    Unbelievable? EDWARD    Brought from some other sphere or planet by some elder race. HERBERT    Hmph.  That's just superstitious claptrap repackaged for a modern age.  Any number of objects have fallen to earth with origins clearly outside what we think of as the normal world.  RICHARD    I heard about a meteor up north that had some quite terrible effects. HERBERT    And yet, they have no root in "evil", beyond what we attribute to them.  Science doesn't shy away the way religion does.  We don't just hang a sign on it that says "here there be dragons" and nervously turn our backs.  Science grows to encompass new information.  RICHARD    [snide] Like an amoeba absorbs its food? HERBERT    [thinks, then] Hmm.  I suppose that's one way of picturing it. WARREN    Or water flowing into a series of newly-dug irrigation trenches. CHARLES    [prompting] Realms "beyond"? EDWARD    Blake seemed to think that the only way to banish the evil was to bury the stone and let daylight into the steeple. SOUND    PICKS UP AND OPENS BOX, THEN SHUTS IT AGAIN QUICKLY EDWARD    At the same time, however, Blake goes on at some length about his morbid longing to gaze again into the cosmic secrets of the glowing stone. HERBERT    Impressionable people should stay out of certain fields of endeavor.  RICHARD    Oh?  HERBERT    People with fragile minds are better left to the arts than to science, or investigations into the unknown. RICHARD    I'll have you know that Art can be a terrible wretch of a mistress. HERBERT    With science, you can work your entire life, and never get a single word of encouragement. WARREN    Academia is entirely indifferent to any of us who toil in her fields. RICHARD    At least your field moves forward slowly enough that by the time someone proves your theory wrong, you've been dead long enough to be an exhibit yourself. CHARLES    Shall we put them in opposite corners, or have them construct essays on their misconduct? EDWARD    There aren't enough corners, even in YOUR house. RICHARD    My apologies.  HERBERT    Hmph. WARREN    So sorry.  Pray go on. EDWARD    The morning of July 17, something in the paper really set Blake off.  During the night, a storm had put the city's lighting-system out for a full hour. CHARLES    I'll bet that didn't go over well. EDWARD    The superstitious locals ran mad.  They surrounded the old church, brandishing candles and lamps. WARREN    A vigil. EDWARD    And shuddered at the horrible noises coming from within. CHARLES    I know a few buildings I regard that way. EDWARD    Soon after, in daytime, reporters broke in and found the dust within was all churned up. There was also a bad odour everywhere, and here and there were bits of yellow stain and patches of what looked like charring. HERBERT    Similar to the bones?  Did anyone ever run any scientific tests on any of this residue? EDWARD    Not that I have any note on.  The reporters  noted the stone pillar, but the metal box and the old mutilated skeleton were not mentioned. WARREN    Hmm.  Gone, or simply overlooked? HERBERT    The newspapers love to print prurient details. CHARLES    How prurient is a rock in a box? EDWARD    From this point onwards Blake's diary shows a mounting tide of horror and apprehension. He frantically telephoned the electric light company more than once, asking - even demanding - that desperate precautions be taken to avoid another loss of power. BLAKE    My worst fears concerned the unholy rapport I felt existed between my mind and that lurking horror in the distant steeple- that monstrous thing of night which my rashness had called out of the ultimate black spaces. CHARLES    Sounds like he should have invested his last dollar in safety lanterns. RICHARD    And a trip to the tropics! EDWARD    People calling on him at the time remember how he would sit and stare out of the west window.  He spoke often of strange dreams - not nightmares, precisely, but eerily similar to the vision he'd had when gazing into the stone.  WARREN    Sounds almost like shellshock.  The way memories come back to haunt soldiers. EDWARD    It got worse.  He kept stout cords near his bed so he could bind his ankles at night to prevent himself from somnambulism. CHARLES    I had a friend had to do that once.  If the struggle to get out of bed didn't waken him, the falling flat on his face certainly would. BLAKE    I thought often of the ancient legends of Ultimate Chaos, at whose centre sprawls the blind idiot god Azathoth, Lord of All Things, encircled by his flopping horde of mindless and amorphous dancers, and lulled by the thin monotonous piping of a demoniac flute held in nameless paws. WARREN    Azathoth!  Now there's a name to conjure with!  Or not to...  preferably.  [winding down] Probably best not to mention it at all. EDWARD    The night of the 30th, Blake came to suddenly, finding himself in a horribly familiar darkened space.  A panic flight ensued, leaving him senseless until morning. CHARLES    Are you saying he managed to sleepwalk all the way across town? EDWARD    Well, the next morning he found himself lying on his study floor fully dressed. Dirt and cobwebs covered him, and every inch of his body sore and bruised. He writes that his hair was badly scorched, and a trace of a strange evil odour clung to his clothing. It was then that his nerves broke down. RICHARD    I think he was overdue.  HERBERT    While I don't understand the phenomena of sleepwalking, I do accept that it occurs. CHARLES    How big of you. HERBERT    But while one might walk in such a fugue-like state, would one take such niceties as getting dressed into consideration? WARREN    It's probably much like a state of mesmerism.  One does what one is told to so. HERBERT    But if no one told him-- CHARLES    Should be obvious.  We've all been told enough times in our lives not to go outside without a jacket.  EVERYONE    [general laughter] EDWARD    August eighth.  The great storm broke just before midnight. Lightning struck in all parts of the city, and a couple of remarkable fireballs were reported.  Blake was utterly frantic and recorded everything in his diary- HERBERT    Did he write that he was frantic? RICHARD    He was the type to record everything. EDWARD    It was more the tone of the things he did write, but his handwriting is very telling, too.  See? SOUND    PAPERS PASS CHARLES    Interesting. SOUND    PAPERS PASS WARREN    Ah.  Yes.  The way it changes - getting bigger, and less readable.  RICHARD    Also harder to write once the lights go out. EDWARD    That hadn't happened - yet.  See, he's still fretting over it right here.  "The lights must not go"; BLAKE    "It knows where I am"; EDWARD    "I must destroy it"; and BLAKE    "it is calling to me, but perhaps it means no injury this time"; EDWARD    --are found scattered down two of the pages.  Ending with-- BLAKE    "Lights out- God help me." EDWARD    At 2.35 the noises at the steeple swelled.  Then, a sound of splintering wood and a large, heavy object crashed down in the yard beneath the frowning easterly façade. RICHARD    Where were the praying multitude? EDWARD    Right there.  Whom do you think was left to tell the tale?  In fact, just as the "escape" was made, with a vibration as of flapping wings, a sudden east-blowing wind snatched off hats and wrenched dripping umbrellas from the crowd. CHARLES    Dousing all the tiny pinpricks of the candles? HERBERT    Quite literally, if the downpour was that prodigious. EDWARD    They must have managed to get some of their lights relit, for they remained at their posts.  The rain didn't stop for another half hour, and shortly after that, the electric lights came back on.  WARREN    You have quite a comprehensive narration, considering the burden of fear the watchers must have been laboring under. EDWARD    The papers gave these matters minor mention in connection with the general storm reports.  I suspect reporters, being what they are, were present during the events. RICHARD    [chuckling] Perhaps someone writing sensational fiction dropped in for a cold chill. EDWARD    The one thing that baffled press and meteorologists alike was a lone lightning-bolt that seemed to have struck somewhere in Blake's neighborhood, though no trace of its striking could afterwards be found. CHARLES    Until--? EDWARD    Precisely.  When a policeman forced the door, Blake's rigid body sat bolt upright at his desk by the window, with glassy, bulging eyes, and the look of stark, convulsive fright on his twisted features!  They were reportedly quite sickened. RICHARD    Police are such delicate flowers.  Always being sickened by things. HERBERT    Looking at such damage objectively, a face of fear is much the same as a face in pain, it's all in the attribution the onlooker gives to the damage-- EDWARD    The coroner's physician made an examination, and despite the unbroken window, reported the death as the result of electrical shock, or rather nervous tension induced by electrical discharge. HERBERT    Electricity is not an entirely understood element, even now.  New possibilities and capabilities are being discovered every day.  I've often thought myself that electricity might be the key to, say, restarting a stopped heart. CHARLES    If you don't want a stopped heart yourself, Herbert, pray let Edward finish.  We're nearly to a conclusion, if I don't miss my guess.  I think I'll turn out the electric lights.  Leave us in the dark like Blake.  Edward can keep the candle. SOUND    GETS UP, LIGHTS CLICK OFF EDWARD    There isn't really a nice convenient ending, just another, larger question mark.  Blake prolonged his frenzied jottings to the last.  In fact, the broken-pointed pencil was found clutched in his spasmodically contracted right hand. WARREN    Spontaneous rigor.  Not uncommon in cases of sudden, catastrophic death.  Leads to the so-called "death grip" of detective fiction. EDWARD    The entries after the failure of the lights were highly disjointed, and legible only in part. BLAKE    Lights still out - must be five minutes now. Everything depends on lightning. Yaddith grant it will keep up!... HERBERT    Yaddith? WARREN    Some ancient deity I'm not familiar with. BLAKE    Some influence seems beating through it... Rain and thunder and wind deafen... The thing is taking hold of my mind... What am I afraid of? Is it not an avatar of Nyarlathotep, who in antique and shadowy Khem even took the form of man? WARREN    Ah, Nyarlathotep, the mysterious "dark man" who can take many forms. BLAKE    The long, winging flight through the void... cannot cross the universe of light... re-created by the thoughts caught in the Shining Trapezohedron... send it through the horrible abysses of radiance... RICHARD    Lost his mind completely. EDWARD    I think he agreed with you. BLAKE    My name is Blake- Robert Harrison Blake of 620 East Knapp Street, Milwaukee, Wisconsin... I am on this planet... CHARLES    As if he was trying to find his way home. BLAKE    Azathoth have mercy!- the lightning no longer flashes- horrible- I can see everything with a monstrous sense that is not sight- light is dark and dark is light... I am it and it is I - I want to get out... must get out and unify the forces... it knows where I am... I am Robert Blake, but I see the tower in the dark. There is a monstrous odour... senses transfigured... boarding at that tower window cracking and giving way... Iä... ngai... ygg... I see it - coming here - hell-wind - titan blue - black wing - Yog Sothoth save me - the three-lobed burning eye... [after a moment] WARREN    [sigh wistfully] I can almost smell the sulphuric tang. HERBERT    I certainly can.  Something must be burning. CHARLES    [over-innocent] Burning?  Nonsense. RICHARD    There is definitely a smell. EDWARD    [teasing] Someone here just couldn't stand the suspense, could you, Richard? RICHARD    Moi? HERBERT    Suspense? EDWARD    It wasn't a very good joke, but the box - this box - contained just enough sulfur to make a good pong if anyone got nosy and opened it to see if I really had the shining trapezohedron. WARREN    I suppose that, much like Pandora, there are certain things that you can never quite get back into a box.  END

Intro Welcome to Season 7 Having a baby girl in May :)  Pocus Hocus giveaway coming soon on IG Episode 150 coming soon Background Jessica Drew created by Archie Goodwin and Marie Severin in Marvel Spotlight #32 (Feb. 1977) In her first appearance, she was a spider who evolved into a human That was later retconned - her origin is when she was young, she became sick, and her father injected her with an experimental dose of irradiated spider's blood, and put her in a chamber to incubate, but while she was in there her mother died and her father left - she spent decades in the chamber, but came out only aged to 17 #BecauseComics THAT origin was then altered - her mother was hit with a beam of radiation with the DNA of several varieties of spiders, and her parents were actually working with/for HYDRA as scientists She leaves Wundagore and is captured by HYDRA, who train her as a spy to assassinate Nick Fury - she accidentally kills her handler, at which point she discovers the truth and defects, becoming a SHIELD agent (also revealing that the “evolved spider” was part of HYDRA's brainwashing) Works as a private investigator while simultaneously being Spider-Woman Joins the New Avengers and helps the heroes recapture all the villains that escaped the Raft - later revealed that this was actually Skrull Queen Veranke in disguise, which led to the Secret Invasion Abigail Brand invites her to join SWORD and kill hostile aliens on Earth Played a major part in Spider-Verse After that, she quit the Avengers and began focusing on small-time help, using Ben Urich and Roger Gocking, the reformed Porcupine, as aides Recently gave birth, using artificial insemination from an anonymous donor - her son Gerry inherited her powers Issues (11:32) From Ruby - reluctance in trusting others Constantly having to reassure people she's not Vernake (17:05) Earlier in career, dealing with distance & uncertainty around people because of her lack of familiarity with them (22:40) Break (28:50) Plugs for BetterHelp, Nerd Crusade, and Howard Mackie Treatment (30:20) In-universe - Focus on genetics, including passing it along to Gerry Out of universe - Focus on trauma - similar to Dr. Scarlet (guest on our Black Widow episode) (34:04) Skit (feat. Jessica from Girls Talk Comics) (41:35) Doc: Hello Jessica, I'm Dr. Issues. Jessica: *sarcastically joking/tongue in cheek* What's up, Doc? D: Hardy har har, never heard that one before. J: Sorry, had to get that out. D: Understood. Bad jokes are hard to let go. So, what can I help you untangle in your psyche? J:Touche. I *yawn* sorry, Gerry-my son-kept me up last night, and I'm trying my hardest to get my 3 functioning neurons to cooperate. Do you have any kids? D: Sure do. I remember those nights. Never enough coffee. J: If I could walk around with a permanent IV drip of espresso, it wouldn't be enough some days. Why do we do this to ourselves? D: It's biologically driven, because kids are cute meat blobs that would die without us. J: Yeah, they are adorable little parasites, aren't they? Sucking the life and the soul out of you all the time, and yet one smile or laugh and they give it all back. D: *laughs* Before this gets too dark, we really should talk about how caring for a child is affecting you. J: Me personally or the superheroing? D: Well…whichever one makes you the most distressed? I can guess though, because most people feel like they only should focus on the personal side and tend to throw any other part of their life to the wayside…not that I agree with that, but that's the tendency I've observed. J: I dunno… I guess the super stuff stresses me out more, at least as it relates to him. Because it seems like it's less natural to me than being a mom, even though I never fully envisioned myself as either… if that makes any kinda sense, I realize this is the caffeinated ramblings of an exhausted parent, but I'm really trying my best not to fall over here. D: Mommy brain (and daddy brain, for that matter) are a real thing. You're making sense.  J: OK good. It's just… I wasn't really *raised*, per se, I was incubated. Relating to people never came easy for me. Certainly didn't have any great parental figures to speak of, unless you count Bova, and I don't know any normal people who were raised by a humanoid cow. So when I decided to have Gerry, it was like finishing a puzzle where I didn't realize I was missing any pieces. Every day with him has been a joy. D: Then let's say you're doing the best job you can with him. What's the problem with being a superhero? *pause* That's a moronic thing to ask, huh? J: Not the dumbest question I've heard today. My… partner had a complete misunderstanding about feeding Gerry today, and I had to explain that infants are not supposed to eat Lindor truffles. Anyway, to your point… it's more about the fact that I've had these powers and skillset for a long time, and I still don't entirely feel comfortable with them. Having a kid on top of it… it feels like an uncomfortable suit that I can't take off. And if you crack a joke about my costume, I'll zap you so hard you'll wake up next week. D: I have no intentions of agitating you. The random mix of events that led you to your current life are not something to mock. Let me say from the start that there's no such thing as getting it all exactly right. Do you have any resentment about your status? I've met plenty of people that wish for things to be different. J: Oh I got past the resentment part ages ago. Yeah, it ate me up for a long time, and yes I took it out on some people that probably didn't deserve it. But then I wouldn't be where I am, and I probably wouldn't have Gerry. So in that respect it works out. The thing that gets me is more about… feeling this, pull, obligation, whatever you wanna call it, towards the hero thing. It's like, I'm doing the mom thing, but then I need to get out because if I don't leave the house someone is going to get hurt, likely Roger, so I get some fresh air. While I'm taking my break, someone inevitably needs help, because everyone in New York City is incapable of going more than a week without being attacked by some souped-up genetic mistake, so then I have to swoop in and save their sorry ass, because otherwise word will get out that Spider-Woman just happened to be there and didn't lift a damn finger, and that gives Jameson more fuel for his anti-spider editorials, which is gonna send Parker into a tizzy, and I don't need that agita, so it's easier just to save them and move on. D: That…sounds like there maaaaaay be a little bit of left over resentment there…just sayin. Not blaming you, but wow is that an emotional bag to carry. J: Chalk it up to exhaustion. When you get this tired, anything's liable to come outta my mouth. But I guess I wasn't as adjusted about this as I thought. Hmph. D: That's OK, at least you're aware of it now. I'm a pretty good sounding board. Feel free to blast away…um, not literally. A bit of disclosure here, but I have a similar style to how I deal with exhaustion. No filter. But, that makes me worry, when do you recharge, and how? Can't when you're crimefighting, can't be when you're taking care of Gerry, so… J: Carol has been clutch when I need a breather, and especially if we're out and something goes down, she's waaaaay better equipped to handle stuff than I am. So I sit back and let her wail away on the dude, and then we go on our merry way.  D: Nice delegation. I like it. I need to do more of that myself. Thanks for the reminder. So, what's your ideal balance? Brainstorm it. No idea is too crazy. J: Hoo boy, that's asking a lot for the already exhausted hamster upstairs, but I'll kick him in the ass and see what I can come up with. Umm… *phone vibrates* Dammit, hold on a sec, it's Roger. I told him only to message me if it's an emergency, and… *pause* Alright, I gotta go. D: Everything OK? J: If by “OK” you mean “my kid sparked an electrical fire that burnt a hole through the kitchen wall and spread to my neighbor's place”, then yeah, it's peachy keen. Sorry Doc, we'll pick this up again next time. And maybe then I'll bring a few extra neurons to make it an even half dozen, and we can have a real conversation. Ending Recommended reading: Spider-Woman vol 6 by Dennis Hallum & Javier Rodriguez Next episodes: Terra, Ben Grimm, Alex Summers Plugs for social References: “Helpless” from Hamilton - Doc (8:12) Dr. Janina Scarlet/Black Widow episode - Anthony (34:15) Apple Podcasts: here Google Play: here Stitcher: here TuneIn: here iHeartRadio: here Spotify: here Twitter Facebook Patreon TeePublic Discord

Nothing is ever normal at 19 Nocturne Boulevard.  So when Olivia, our sultry announcer, decides to read the listeners a few of her favorite Xmas tales, things get a bit out of hand. Adapted by Julie Hoverson from stories by Arnold Bennett, Rudyard Kipling, and Joseph Conrad, appearing in A Christmas Garland edited by Max Beerbohm, published in 1912 Cast List Olivia - Julie Hoverson Emily Wrackgarth - Beverly Poole Jos Wrackgarth - Russell Gold Albert Grapp - Gareth Bowley Kipling/narrator - Rick Lewis Judlip - Cole Hornaday Mr. Williams - Michael Coleman [from Tales of the Extradordinary] Mahamo - Pat McNally Music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Photo:  Sanja Gjenero (courtesy of Stock Xchange.com)   "Puh-leeze!  Do I sound like the type to offend with yet another rendition of A Christmas Carol?"   **************************************************** A TRILOGY FOR CHRISTMAS Cast: Olivia SCRUTS Emily Wrackgarth Jos Wrackgarth Albert Grapp   PC X36 Kipling Judlip Father Christmas   THE FEAST Williams Mahamo ANNOUNCER    The stories for tonight's show have been abridged and dramatized by Julie Hoverson     OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  Well sit right down.  I want to read you my favorite Christmas stories.  No, don't go!  [disgusted] Oh, puh-lease!  Do I seem the type to offend with yet another rendition of A Christmas Carol, or The night Before Christmas?  Even the Velveteen Rabbit, which is a truly disturbing tale to any small child, is far too common for this house.  MUSIC CREEPS IN OLIVIA    Indulge me, won't you?  I promise I won't disappoint.  I have selected three of my most favorite Christmas tales to share with you, and even if one is a bit romantic and sentimental, well, you have to let me be girly sometimes, right?  So - I'll get sentiment out of the way and move right into the more... meaty stories.  The first story, then, is Scruts by Arnold Bennett MUSIC CHANGES OLIVIA     Emily Wrackgarth stirred the Christmas pudding till her right arm began to ache. But she did not cease for that. SOUND    KITCHEN, STIRRING OLIVIA    She stirred on till her right arm grew so numb that it might have been the right arm of some girl at the other end of Bursley. And yet something deep down in her whispered EMILY    [muttered] It is your right arm! And you can do what you like with it! OLIVIA    She did what she liked with it. Relentlessly she kept it moving till it reasserted itself as the arm of Emily Wrackgarth, prickling and tingling as with red-hot needles in every tendon from wrist to elbow. And still Emily Wrackgarth hardened her heart. EMILY    Mine.  You are mine. OLIVIA    Presently she saw the spoon no longer revolving, but wavering aimlessly in the midst of the basin. EMILY    Ridiculous! This must be seen to! OLIVIA    In the down of dark hairs that connected her eyebrows there was a marked deepening of that vertical cleft which, visible at all times, warned you that here was a young woman not to be trifled with. Her brain despatched to her hand a peremptory message—which miscarried. The spoon wabbled as though held by a baby. EMILY    [exasperated noise] OLIVIA    Emily knew that she herself as a baby had been carried into this very kitchen to stir the Christmas pudding. Year after year, as she grew up, she had been allowed to stir it "for luck." And those, she reflected, were the only cookery lessons she ever got. EMILY    How like Mother! OLIVIA    Mrs. Wrackgarth had died in the past year, of a complication of ailments.  Emily still wore on her left shoulder that small tag of crape which is as far as the Five Towns go in the way of mourning. Her father had died in the year previous to that, of a still more curious and enthralling complication of ailments.  Jos, his son, carried on the Wrackgarth Works, EMILY    [interrupting] and I kept house for Jos. I with my own hand made this pudding. But for me, this pudding would not have been. Fantastic! Utterly incredible! OLIVIA    [slightly miffed] And yet so it was. She was grown-up. She was mistress of the house. She could make or unmake puddings at will. And yet she was Emily Wrackgarth. Which was absurd. EMILY    It is doubtful whether the people of southern England have even yet realised how much introspection there is going on all the time in the Five Towns. OLIVIA    [ahem!]  Emily was now stirring the pudding with her left hand. The ingredients had already been mingled indistinguishably in that rich, undulating mass of tawniness which proclaims perfection. But Emily was determined to give her left hand, not less than her right, what she called EMILY    "a doing." OLIVIA    Emily was like that.  At mid-day, when her brother came home from the Works, she was still at it. EMILY    Brought those scruts with you? JOS    That's a fact. OLIVIA    And he dipped his hand into the sagging pocket of his coat.  It is perhaps necessary to explain what scruts are. In the daily output of every potbank there are a certain proportion of flawed vessels. These are cast aside by the foreman, EMILY    with a lordly gesture, OLIVIA    and in due course are hammered into fragments. These fragments, which are put to various uses, are called scruts; and one of the uses they are put to is a sentimental one. EMILY    The dainty and luxurious Southerner looks to find in his Christmas pudding a wedding-ring, a gold thimble, a threepenny-bit, or the like. To such fal-lals the Five Towns would say fie. OLIVIA     A Christmas pudding in the Five Towns contains nothing but suet, flour, lemon-peel, cinnamon, brandy, almonds, raisins—and two or three scruts. There is a world of poetry, beauty, romance, in scruts—though you have to have been brought up on them to appreciate it. Scruts have passed into the proverbial philosophy of the district. EMILY    "Him's a pudden with more scruts than raisins to 'm" OLIVIA    is a criticism not infrequently heard. It implies respect, even admiration. Of Emily Wrackgarth herself people often said, in reference to her likeness to her father, JOS    "Her's a scrut o' th' owd basin."  [realizing he cut in] Oh, Hmm.  Pardon. OLIVIA    Jos had emptied out from his pocket on to the table a good three dozen of scruts. EMILY     I laid aside my spoon, rubbed the palms of my hands on the bib of my apron, and proceeded to finger these scruts with the air of a connoisseur, rejecting one after another. OLIVIA    The pudding was a small one, designed merely for herself and Jos, with remainder to "the girl"; so that it could hardly accommodate more than two or three scruts. EMILY     I knew well that one scrut is as good as another. Yet I did not want my brother to feel that anything selected by him would necessarily pass muster. OLIVIA     For his benefit she ostentatiously wrinkled her nose. JOS    By the by, you remember Albert Grapp? I've asked him to step over from Hanbridge and help eat our snack on Christmas Day. EMILY    [incensed] You've asked that Mr. Grapp? JOS    No objection, I hope? He's not a bad sort. And he's considered a bit of a ladies' man, you know. EMILY    [incensed noise] SOUND    CLATTER OF SCRUTS INTO BOWL OLIVIA    Emily gathered up all the scruts and let them fall in a rattling shower on the exiguous pudding. Two or three fell wide of the basin. EMILY    [vengefully]  I made sure they all fit, too. JOS    [alarmed] Steady on!  What's that for? EMILY    That's for your guest.  And if you think you're going to palm me off on to him, or on to any other young fellow, you're a fool, Jos Wrackgarth! JOS    I - I would never-- EMILY    Don't think I don't know what you've been after, just of late. Cracking up one young sawny and then another on the chance of me marrying him! I never heard of such goings on. But here I am, and here I'll stay, as sure as my name's Emily Wrackgarth, Jos Wrackgarth! OLIVIA    It is difficult to write calmly about Emily at this point. For her, in another age, ships would have been launched and cities besieged. But brothers are a race apart, and blind. It is a fact that Jos would have been glad to see his sister "settled" JOS    [muttered] —preferably in one of the other four Towns. OLIVIA    [chuckle] She took up the spoon and stirred vigorously. The scruts grated and squeaked together around the basin, while the pudding feebly wormed its way up among them. MUSIC CHANGES ALBERT    [whispered] Is it me?  Oh!  [up]  Albert Grapp, ladies' man though he was, was humble of heart. Nobody knew this but himself. OLIVIA    Not one of his fellow clerks in Clither's Bank knew it. The general theory in Hanbridge was "Him's got a stiff opinion o' hisself." ALBERT    But this arose from what was really a sign of humility in him. He made the most of himself. OLIVIA    He had, for instance, a way of his own in the matter of dressing. He always wore a voluminous frock-coat, with a pair of neatly-striped vicuna trousers-- ALBERT    --which he placed every night under his mattress, thus preserving in perfection the crease down the centre of each. OLIVIA     He had two caps, one of blue serge, the other of shepherd's plaid. These he wore on alternate days. He wore them in a way of his own—well back from his forehead, so as not to hide his hair.  OLIVIA    On wet days he wore a mackintosh. This, as he did not yet possess a great-coat, he wore also, but with less glory, on cold days. ALBERT    He had hoped there might be rain on Christmas morning. But there was no rain. [sigh, resigned] Like my luck. OLIVIA    [whispered, urgent] Stop referring to yourself in the third person, no one else does.  [back up] Since Jos Wrackgarth had introduced Albert to his sister at the Hanbridge Oddfellows' Biennial Hop, ALBERT    when he -I- danced two quadrilles with her, OLIVIA    --he had seen her but once. He had nodded to her, Five Towns fashion, and she had nodded back at him, but with a look that seemed to say-- EMILY    You needn't nod next time you see me. I can get along well enough without your nods. ALBERT    A frightening girl! And yet her brother had since told ...me... she seemed "a bit gone, like" on me!  Impossible! He, Albert Grapp, make an impression on the brilliant Miss Wrackgarth! Yet she had sent him a verbal invite to spend Christmas in her own home. OLIVIA    You're doing it again. ALBERT    [oblivious, enchanted] And the time had come. He was on his way. Incredible that he should arrive! The tram must surely overturn, or be struck by lightning. And yet no! He arrived safely. OLIVIA    [sigh] The small servant who opened the door gave him another verbal message from Miss Wrackgarth. [disapproving] Wipe your feet well on the mat.  [narrating again] In obeying this order he experienced a thrill of satisfaction he could not account for. He must have stood shuffling his boots vigorously for a full minute. ALBERT    This, he told himself, was life. He, Albert Grapp, was alive. And the world was full of other men, all alive; and yet, because they were not doing Miss Wrackgarth's bidding, none of them really lived. OLIVIA    In the parlour he found Jos awaiting him. The table was laid for three. JOS    So you're here, are you? OLIVIA    Said the host, using the Five Towns formula. JOS    Emily's in the kitchen.  Happen she'll be here directly. ALBERT    I hope she's tol-lol-ish? JOS    She is.  But don't you go saying that to her. She doesn't care about society airs and graces. You'll make no headway if you aren't blunt. ALBERT    Oh, right you are. OLIVIA    A moment later Emily joined them, still wearing her kitchen apron. EMILY    So you're here, are you? OLIVIA    She said, but did not shake hands. The servant had followed her in with the tray, and the next few seconds were occupied in the disposal of the beef and trimmings.  The meal began, Emily carving. JOS    [sigh] The main thought of a man less infatuated than Albert Grapp would have been "This girl can't cook. And she'll never learn to." The beef, instead of being red and brown, was pink and white. Uneatable beef! ALBERT    [rapturizing] And yet he relished it more than anything he had ever tasted. This beef was her own handiwork. Thus it was because she had made it so....  [up]  Happen I could do with a bit more, like. OLIVIA    Emily hacked off the bit more and jerked it on to the plate he had held out to her. ALBERT    Thanks! OLIVIA    Only when the second course came on did he suspect that the meal was a calculated protest. This a Christmas pudding? The litter of fractured earthenware was hardly held together by the suet and raisins. ALBERT    All his pride of manhood—and there was plenty of pride mixed up with Albert Grapp's humility—dictated a refusal to touch that pudding. Yet he soon found himself touching it, though gingerly, with spoon and fork. OLIVIA    In the matter of dealing with scruts there are two schools—the old and the new. The old school pushes its head well over its plate and drops the scrut straight from its mouth. The new school emits the scrut into the fingers of its left hand and therewith deposits it on the rim of the plate. ALBERT    Albert noticed that Emily was of the new school. OLIVIA    Oh, I give up. ALBERT    But might she not despise as affectation in him what came natural to herself? On the other hand, if he showed himself as a prop of the old school, might she not set her face the more stringently against him? OLIVIA    The chances were that whichever course he took would be the wrong one. ALBERT    It was then that he had an inspiration—an idea of the sort that comes to a man once in his life and finds him, likely as not, unable to put it into practice. OLIVIA    Albert was not sure he could consummate this idea of his. He had indisputably fine teeth— JOS    "a proper mouthful of grinders" OLIVIA    in local phrase. But would they stand the strain he was going to impose on them? He could but try them. OLIVIA    [con't] Without a sign of nervousness he raised his spoon, with one scrut in it, to his mouth. This scrut he put between two of his left-side molars, bit hard on it, and—eternity of that moment!—felt it and heard it snap in two. SOUND    GRINDING, CRUNCHING ALBERT    He was conscious that at sound of the percussion Emily started forward and stared at him. But he did not look at her. EMILY    [amazed] That was none so dusty. [similar to "not too shabby"] OLIVIA    Calmly, systematically, with gradually diminishing crackles, he reduced that scrut to powder, and washed the powder down with a sip of beer. SOUND    DRINK OLIVIA    While he dealt with the second scrut, he talked to Jos about the Borough Council's proposal to erect an electric power-station on the site of the old gas-works down Hillport way. ALBERT    He was aware of a slight abrasion inside his left cheek. No matter. He must be more careful. OLIVIA    There were six scruts still to be negotiated. ALBERT    He knew that what he was doing was a thing grandiose, unique, epical; a history-making thing; a thing that would outlive marble and the gilded monuments of princes. Yet he kept his head. OLIVIA    He did not hurry, nor did he dawdle. Scrut by scrut, he ground slowly but he ground exceeding small. ALBERT    And while he did so he talked wisely and well. OLIVIA    He passed from the power-station to a first edition he had picked up for sixpence in Liverpool, and thence to the Midland's proposal to drive a tunnel under the Knype Canal so as to link up the main-line with the Critchworth and Suddleford loop-line. JOS    I was too amazed to put in a word, but sat merely gaping—a gape that merged by imperceptible degrees into a grin. Presently I ceased to watch our guest. I sat watching my sister. OLIVIA    Not once did Albert himself glance in her direction. She was just a dim silhouette on the outskirts of his vision. ALBERT    But there she was, unmoving, and he could feel the fixture of her unseen eyes. The time was at hand when he would have to meet those eyes. Would he flinch? Was he master of himself? GRINDING STOPS OLIVIA    The last scrut was powder. No temporising! He jerked his glass to his mouth. ALBERT    A moment later, holding out his plate to her, he looked Emily full in the eyes. They were Emily's eyes, but not hers alone. They were collective eyes—that was it! They were the eyes of stark, staring womanhood. OLIVIA    Her face had been dead white, but now suddenly up from her throat, over her cheeks, through the down between her eyebrows, went a rush of colour, up over her temples, through the very parting of her hair. ALBERT    [casual] Happen, I'll have a bit more, like. OLIVIA    Emily flung her arms forward on the table and buried her face in them. EMILY    [breaking into sobs] OLIVIA    It was a gesture wild and meek. It was the gesture foreseen and yet incredible. It was recondite, inexplicable, and yet obvious. EMILY    [aside, not teary] It was the only thing to be done—and yet, by gum, I had done it. [back to sobbing] OLIVIA    Her brother had risen from his seat and was now at the door. JOS    [pleased with himself] Think I'll step round to the Works, and see if they banked up that furnace aright. OLIVIA    NOTE.—The author has in preparation a series of volumes dealing with the life of Albert and Emily Grapp. MUSIC BACK TO NEUTRAL OLIVIA    Sweet romance, eh?  Well, I've indulged my sentimental side, now how about some gritty policework?  EMILY    Hold up.  You really think I'll get hitched over some fellow who sups pottery? OLIVIA    That's how the story ends.  And he's a good looking chap. EMILY    And your accent is wretched. OLIVIA    Go back to your story. EMILY    Won't. OLIVIA    Your story is over.  Shut up.  EMILY    Can't make me - you're no better'n me - have ten toes and ten fingers just the same. OLIVIA    I'll close the book, and then you'll be gone until someone else reads you - and you're far enough out of print, THAT won't happen any time soon. EMILY    [annoyed, seething]  Right.  I'll sit here, then shall I? OLIVIA    Don't care.  Just keep quiet.  [deep breath] My next tale is PC X-36, by Rudyard Kipling. JUDLIP    Then it's collar 'im tight, In the name o' the Lawd! 'Ustle 'im, shake 'im till 'e's sick! Wot, 'e would, would 'e? Well, Then yer've got ter give 'im 'Ell, An' it's trunch, trunch, truncheon does the trick OLIVIA    From police station ditties. EMILY    Sounds like a donkey. OLIVIA    Shh! KIPLING    I had spent Christmas Eve at the Club, listening to a grand pow-wow between certain of the choicer sons of Adam. OLIVIA    Hold on!  I'm the one reading this story! KIPLING    But I'm the narrator. EMILY    Hear Hear. OLIVIA    I'm the reader.  You need to keep quiet. KIPLING    You might have thought first before taking on a first person narrative, mightn't you? OLIVIA    Well, I'll endeavor to sound like you.  Now!  Wait for your cue.  [clears throat] Then Slushby had cut in. Slushby is one who writes to newspapers and is theirs obediently "HUMANITARIAN." When Slushby cuts in, men remember they have to be up early next morning.  KIPLING    Sharp round a corner on the way home, I collided with something firmer than the regulation pillar-box. OLIVIA    [gritted teeth] I righted myself after the recoil and saw some stars that were very pretty indeed. Then I perceived the nature of the obstruction. KIPLING    "Evening, Judlip," [quickly spitting out his descriptives] I said sweetly, when I had collected my hat from the gutter. "Have I broken the law, Judlip? If so, I'll go quiet." JUDLIP    [Gruff] Time yer was in bed.  Yer Ma'll be lookin' out for yer. KIPLING    This from the friend -- OLIVIA    Ahem!  --of my bosom! It hurt. Many were the night-beats I had been privileged to walk with Judlip, imbibing curious lore that made glad the civilian heart of me. Seven whole 8x5 inch note-books had I pitmanised to the brim with Judlip. EMILY    And now to be repulsed as one of the uninitiated! It hurt horrid.  OLIVIA    Don't you start in again! EMILY    Hah! OLIVIA    Don't!  [back to the story] There is a thing called Dignity. Small boys sometimes stand on it. Then they have to be kicked. Then they get down, weeping. I don't stand on Dignity. KIPLING     "What's wrong, Judlip?" I asked, more sweetly than ever. "Drawn a blank to-night?" JUDLIP     Yuss. Drawn a blank blank blank. 'Avent 'ad so much as a kick at a lorst dorg. Christmas Eve ain't wot it was. KIPLING    I felt for my note-book. JUDLIP    Lawd! I remembers the time when the drunks and disorderlies down this street was as thick as flies on a fly-paper. One just picked 'em orf with one's finger and thumb. A bloomin' buffet, that's wot it wos. KIPLING    "The night's yet young, Judlip," [quickly] I insinuated, with a jerk of my thumb at the flaring windows of the "Rat and Blood Hound." At that moment-- OLIVIA    [Catching up] --the saloon-door swung open, emitting a man and woman who walked with linked arms and exceeding great care. EMILY    [sarcastic]  How sweet. OLIVIA    Judlip eyed them longingly as they tacked up the street. Then he sighed. Now, when Judlip sighs the sound is like unto that which issues from the vent of a Crosby boiler when the cog-gauges are at 260 degrees. KIPLING    "Come, Judlip!" I said. "Possess your soul in patience. You'll soon find someone to make an example of. Meanwhile"—I threw back my head and smacked my lips [he does] —"the usual, Judlip?" OLIVIA    In another minute I emerged through the swing-door, bearing a furtive glass of that same "usual," and nipped down the mews where my friend was wont to await these little tokens of esteem. KIPLING    "To the Majesty of the Law, Judlip!" OLIVIA    When he had honoured the toast, I scooted back with the glass, leaving him wiping the beads off his beard-bristles. He was in his philosophic mood when I rejoined him at the corner. JUDLIP    "Wot am I?  [pronouncing] A bloomin' cypher. Wot's the sarjint? 'E's got the Inspector over 'im. Over above the Inspector there's the Sooprintendent. Over above 'im's the old red-tape-masticatin' Yard. Over above that there's the 'Ome Sec. Wot's 'e? A cypher, like me. Why? KIPLING    Judlip looked up at the stars. JUDLIP    Over above 'im's We Dunno Wot. Somethin' wot issues its horders an' regulations an' divisional injunctions, inscrootable like, but p'remptory; an' we 'as ter see as 'ow they're carried out, not arskin' no questions, but each man goin' about 'is dooty.' KIPLING    "''Is dooty,'" said I, looking up from my note-book. "Yes, I've got that." JUDLIP    Life ain't a bean-feast. It's a 'arsh reality. An' them as makes it a bean-feast 'as got to be 'arshly dealt with accordin'. That's wot the Force is put 'ere for from Above. Not as 'ow we ain't fallible. We makes our mistakes. An' when we makes 'em we sticks to 'em. For the honour o' the Force. Which same is the jool Britannia wears on 'er bosom as a charm against hanarchy. That's wot the brarsted old Beaks don't understand. Yer remember Smithers of our Div? KIPLING    [takes breath, but is interupted] OLIVIA    I remembered Smithers - well. As fine, upstanding, square-toed-- [hand over mouth] EMILY    [Picking up quickly, but struggling slightly] bullet-headed, clean-living - go on! - son of a gun-- KIPLING    Ta! --as ever perjured himself in the box. There was nothing of the softy about Smithers. I took off my billicock to Smithers' memory. JUDLIP    Sacrificed to public opinion? Yuss, KIPLING    Judlip paused at a front door, flashing his light down the slot of a two-grade Yale. JUDLIP    Sacrificed to a parcel of screamin' old women wot ort ter 'ave gorn down on their knees an' thanked Gawd for such a protector. 'E'll be out in another 'alf year. JUDLIP     Wot'll 'e do then, pore devil? Go a bust on 'is conduc' money an' throw in 'is lot with them same hexperts wot 'ad a 'oly terror of 'im. EMILY    Then Judlip swore gently. KIPLING     What should you do, O Great One, if ever it were your duty to apprehend him? JUDLIP    Do? Why, yer blessed innocent, yer don't think I'd shirk a fair clean cop? Same time, I don't say as 'ow I wouldn't 'andle 'im tender like, for sake o' wot 'e wos. Likewise cos 'e'd be a stiff customer to tackle. Likewise 'cos— OLIVIA    [muffled struggle] KIPLING    He had broken off, and was peering fixedly upwards across the moonlit street. JUDLIP    [drawn-out, hoarse whisper] Ullo! SOUND    STRUGGLE OLIVIA    [muffled, then deep breath]  Back off! EMILY    Hmph.  [shrug] I made a good go. OLIVIA    Striking an average between the direction of his eyes—for Judlip, when on the job, has a soul-stirring squint—I perceived someone in the act of emerging from a chimney-pot.  Judlip's voice clove the silence. JUDLIP    Wot are yer doin' hup there? OLIVIA    The person addressed came to the edge of the parapet. KIPLING    I saw then that he had a hoary white beard, a red ulster with the hood up, and what looked like a sack over his shoulder. OLIVIA    He said something or other in a voice like a concertina that has been left out in the rain. EMILY    [muttered] Not so very hard to pass it round, is it? JUDLIP    I dessay.  Just you come down, an' we'll see about that. OLIVIA    The old man nodded and smiled. Then—as I hope to be saved—he came floating gently down through the moonlight, with the sack over his shoulder and a young fir-tree clasped to his chest. He alighted in a friendly manner on the curb beside us. EMILY    Come along - let us have a go! KIPLING    Judlip was the first to recover himself. Out went his right arm-- EMILY    --and the airman was slung round by the scruff of the neck, spilling his sack in the road. KIPLING    I made a bee-line for his shoulder-blades. Burglar or no burglar, he was the best airman out, and I was muchly desirous to know the precise nature of the apparatus under his ulster. OLIVIA    Fine.  Let's just keep it moving - A back-hander from Judlip's left caused me to hop quickly aside. The prisoner was squealing and whimpering. He didn't like the feel of Judlip's knuckles at his cervical vertebræ. JUDLIP    Wot wos yer doin' hup there? EMILY    asked Judlip, tightening the grip. SANTA CLAUS     I'm S-Santa Claus, Sir. P-please, Sir, let me g-go.. KIPLING    "Hold him," I shouted. "He's a German." JUDLIP    It's my dooty ter caution yer that wotever yer say now may be used in hevidence against yer, yer old sinner. Pick up that there sack, an' come along o' me. EMILY    The captive snivelled something about peace on earth, good will toward men. JUDLIP    Yuss.  That's in the Noo Testament, ain't it? The Noo Testament contains some uncommon nice readin' for old gents an' young ladies. But it ain't included in the librery o' the Force. We confine ourselves to the Old Testament — O-T, 'ot. An' 'ot you'll get it. Hup with that sack, an' quick march! OLIVIA    I have seen worse attempts at a neck-wrench, but it was just not slippery enough for Judlip. EMILY    And the kick that Judlip then let fly was a thing of beauty and a joy for ever. KIPLING    "Frog's-march him!" I shrieked, dancing. "For the love of heaven, frog's-march him!" OLIVIA    Trotting by Judlip's side to the Station, I reckoned it out that if Slushby had not been at the Club I should not have been here to see. ALL    Which shows that even Slushbys are put into this world for a purpose. MUSIC CHANGES OLIVIA    Oh, this is just getting silly. EMILY    Only just?  I should have said it's been a laugh for several miles. KIPLING    D'you have some problem with a bit of a laugh? OLIVIA    The third story I want to read is very serious.  If this goes on, I won't be able to do it justice. EMILY    What is it then? OLIVIA    The Feast.  By Joseph Conrad. KIPLING    Conrad?  He wrote a Christmas story? EMILY    Who is this Conrad fellow? KIPLING    Wrote something called heart of Darkness. OLIVIA    Yes, yes, yes!  Look, it's ruined now.  I'm just going to give up and read The Night before Christmas. EMILY    [disgusted noise] KIPLING    That sentimental pap? OLIVIA    [huffy] The mood is gone. EMILY AND KIPLING    [whisper in the background] EMILY    We might-- KIPLING    Let me! EMILY    I don't think so!  [annoyed grunt] Look you! - um - I think we've not been introduced? OLIVIA    [sulky] Olivia. EMILY    Right.  Olivia.  Why not let us help read the story.  We can do that well enough, can't we? KIPLING    Certainly. OLIVIA    And keep the comments to a minimum? KIPLING    Well... EMILY    I'll box his ears for you if he steps across the line. OLIVIA    It's worth a try. MUSIC TURNS TROPICAL OLIVIA    The hut in which slept the white man was on a clearing between the forest and the river. EMILY    Silence, the silence murmurous and unquiet of a tropical night, brooded over the hut that, baked through by the sun, sweated a vapour beneath the cynical light of the stars. KIPLING    Mahamo lay rigid and watchful at the hut's mouth. In his upturned eyes, and along the polished surface of his lean body black and immobile, the stars were reflected, creating an illusion of themselves who are illusions. OLIVIA    The roofs of the congested trees, writhing in some kind of agony private and eternal, made tenebrous and shifty silhouettes against the sky, like shapes cut out of black paper by a maniac who pushes them with his thumb this way and that, irritably, on a concave surface of blue steel. EMILY    Resin oozed unseen from the upper branches to the trunks swathed in creepers that clutched and interlocked with tendrils venomous, frantic and faint. KIPLING     Down below, by force of habit, the lush herbage went through the farce of growth—that farce old and screaming, whose trite end is decomposition.  [aside] Optimist, eh?  Ouch! OLIVIA    Ssh.  Within the hut the form of the white man, corpulent and pale, was covered with a mosquito-net that was itself illusory like everything else, only more so. Flying squadrons of mosquitoes inside its meshes flickered and darted over him, working hard, but keeping silence so as not to excite him from sleep. EMILY    [with distaste] Cohorts of yellow ants disputed him against cohorts of purple ants, the two kinds slaying one another in thousands. KIPLING    [avid] The battle was undecided when suddenly, with no such warning as it gives in some parts of the world, the sun blazed up over the horizon, turning night into day, and the insects vanished back into their camps. OLIVIA    The white man ground his knuckles into the corners of his eyes, emitting that snore final and querulous of a middle-aged man awakened rudely. With a gesture brusque but flaccid he plucked aside the net and peered around. EMILY    The bales of cotton cloth, the beads, the brass wire, the bottles of rum, had not been spirited away in the night. So far so good. KIPLING    The faithful servant of his employers was now at liberty to care for his own interests. He regarded himself, passing his hands over his skin. WILLIAMS    [shouted] Hi! Mahamo! I've been eaten up. OLIVIA    The islander, with one sinuous motion, sprang from the ground, through the mouth of the hut. Then, after a glance, he threw high his hands in thanks to such good and evil spirits as had charge of his concerns. In a tone half of reproach, half of apology, he murmured— MAHAMO    You white men sometimes say strange things that deceive the heart. WILLIAMS    Reach me that ammonia bottle, d'you hear?  This is a pretty place you've brought me to!  Christmas Day, too! Of all the —— But I suppose it seems all right to you, you heathen, to be here on Christmas Day? MAHAMO    We are here on the day appointed, Mr. Williams. It is a feast-day of your people? OLIVIA    Mr. Williams had lain back, with closed eyes, on his mat. Nostalgia was doing duty to him for imagination. EMILY    He was wafted to a bedroom in Marylebone, where in honour of the Day he lay late dozing, with great contentment; outside, a slush of snow in the street, the sound of church-bells; from below a savour of especial cookery. [chuckles a bit] WILLIAMS    Yes, it's a feast-day of my people. MAHAMO    Of mine also. WILLIAMS    [disinterested] Is it though? But they'll do business first? MAHAMO    They must first do that. WILLIAMS    And they'll bring their ivory with them? MAHAMO    Every man will bring ivory. OLIVIA    The islander answered with a smile gleaming and wide. WILLIAMS    How soon'll they be here? MAHAMO    Has not the sun risen? They are on their way. WILLIAMS    Well, I hope they'll hurry. The sooner we're off this cursed island of yours the better. Take all those things out-- OLIVIA    Mr. Williams added, pointing to the merchandise. WILLIAMS    --and arrange them.  Neatly, mind you! KIPLING    In certain circumstances it is right that a man be humoured in trifles. Mahamo, having borne out the merchandise, arranged it very neatly. OLIVIA    While Mr. Williams made his toilette, the sun and the forest, careless of the doings of white and black men alike, waged their warfare implacable and daily. The forest from its inmost depths sent forth perpetually its legions of shadows that fell dead in the instant of exposure to the enemy whose rays heroic and absurd its outposts annihilated. EMILY    What's all this to do with Christmas? KIPLING    Want me to cuff her one? OLIVIA    It takes place on Christmas day - they already said that. EMILY    But this is all jungle creepers and spooky shadows - and vermins.  If there's one thing that doesn't come to my mind when I think of Christmas, it's ants and mosquitoes and such.  KIPLING    You should see some of the places I've been. OLIVIA    Why don't we just finish the story? KIPLING    There came from those inilluminable depths the equable rumour of myriads of winged things and crawling things newly roused to the task of killing and being killed. Thence detached itself, little by little, an insidious sound of a drum beaten. This sound drew more near.  [aside]  A-ha, I see where this is going.  Drums in the distance are never a good sign. EMILY    [huffy] Maybe I haven't traveled all over the great wide world, fellow, but even I can probably guess at that. DRUMS SNEAK IN OLIVIA    Mr. Williams, issuing from the hut, heard it, and stood gaping towards it. WILLIAMS    Is that them? MAHAMO    That is they. OLIVIA    The islander murmured, moving away towards the edge of the forest.  EMILY    Does he not notice?  What sort of a dullard is he?  [calling to williams] Do you have a gun? OLIVIA    [exasperated sigh] KIPLING    Calm down, it's just a story. EMILY    Don't go telling me when to calm down!  I just hate stories where stupid people do very stupid things - what possessed this fool to sail half round the world anyway? OLIVIA    [resigned, trying to get it back on track] Sounds of chanting were a now audible accompaniment to the drum. WILLIAMS    What's that they're singing? MAHAMO    [off a bit] They sing of their business. WILLIAMS    [shocked] Oh!  I'd have thought they'd be singing of their feast. MAHAMO    It is of their feast they sing. OLIVIA    It has been stated that Mr. Williams was not imaginative. WILLIAMS    Oh, I say--! OLIVIA    Oh, no!  You stay put! KIPLING    [very knowingly] But a few years of life in climates alien and intemperate had disordered his nerves. There was that in the rhythms of the hymn which made bristle his flesh.  EMILY    Suddenly, when they were very near, the voices ceased, leaving a legacy of silence more sinister than themselves. And now the black spaces between the trees were relieved by bits of white that were the eyeballs and teeth of Mahamo's brethren. MAHAMO    It was of their feast, it was of you, they sang. EMILY    I knew it! KIPLING    It was obvious. WILLIAMS    Look here--! OLIVIA    Cried Mr. Williams in his voice of a man not to be trifled with. WILLIAMS    --Look here, if you've— SOUND    JAVELIN HIT OLIVIA    He was silenced by sight of what seemed to be a young sapling sprung up from the ground within a yard of him—a young sapling tremulous, with a root of steel. KIPLING    Then a thread-like shadow skimmed the air, and another spear came impinging the ground within an inch of his feet. EMILY    As he turned in his flight he saw the goods so neatly arranged at his orders, and there flashed through him, even in the thick of the spears, the thought that he would be a grave loss to his employers. OLIVIA     This—for Mr. Williams was, not less than the goods, of a kind easily replaced—was an illusion. It was the last of Mr. Williams illusions. MOMENT OF SILENCE EMILY    So what shall we do now? SOUND    LARGE BOOK SHUTS DECISIVELY, CUTTING HER OFF OLIVIA    Happy Holidays, all - wherever and whatever they may be. CLOSER OLIVIA    Now that you know how to find us, you'll have to come back.  Maybe next week?  Don't be a stranger - we have enough of those already... The stories dramatized in tonight's episode appeared in a collection titled "A Christmas Garland", first published in October of 1912, collected by Max Beerbohm.  Scruts was written by Arnold Bennett, PC X-36 was written by Rudyard Kipling, and The Feast was written by Joseph Conrad.  These stories have been edited slightly to fit the program.