19 Nocturne Boulevard

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Award-winning anthology series of audio dramas, in the realm of the strange, speculative, and supernatural. Some episodes include more mature content, but have warning labels.

Julie Hoverson


    • Sep 22, 2022 LATEST EPISODE
    • weekdays NEW EPISODES
    • 30m AVG DURATION
    • 1,026 EPISODES


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    Latest episodes from 19 Nocturne Boulevard

    19 Nocturne Boulevard reissue of the week: TROPHY CASE

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 22, 2022 41:34


    Inspired by the classic 1920s Shudder Pulps, a mad scientist has captured a set of victims and forces them to play his hideous game!  Warning:  Mature themes and brutal violence- Seriously Three men, chained in a dungeon!  Beautiful women in peril!  An evil genius doctor!  Villanous minions! Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Garth Jenkins - Chris Stockett Klaus Heinz - Lothar Tuppan Luigi Marconi - David Collins-Rivera Dr. Chnossos - Chris Stockett Grace - Risa Torres Nathalia - Tanja Milojevic Amelie - Julie Hoverson Susanne - Sara Falconer Helga and Oda - Julie Hoverson Mongrel Henchmen - Danar Hoverson & Reynaud LeBoeuf With thanks to The Vault of Evil - where I encountered the dreaded Shudder Pulps!!! Music by Conspiracy (via Jamendo) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a dank dungeon room, sometime in the 1920s, can't you tell?"   **************************************************************************** TROPHY CASE Cast: Garth Jenkins, American athlete 25 Klaus Heinz, Prussian pilot 27 Luigi Marconi, Italian strong man 30 Dr. Chnossos - wheelchair nutjob 60 Amelie, French girl 20 Nathalia, Russian girl 20 Grace, British girl 20 Susanne, American girl 20 Helga, German girl 20 Oda, Swedish girl 20 MONGREL HENCHMEN [any age] OLIVIA     Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a dank dungeon room, in the early 1920s, can't you tell?  ROOM WITH BOX, TEASER MUSIC SOUND    DOOR SLAMS GARTH    See if there's something to bar the door with! AMELIE    I can't see - it's too dim in 'ere! SOUND    [outside]  YELLS!  THUMPING ON DOOR GARTH    [grunts, holding door shut] ODA    They are right behind us! NATHALIA    We should kill them.  Then they will never catch us. GARTH    We gotta try and stay ahead of them. GRACE    There's a box over here! GARTH    Can you move it in front of the door? GRACE    Help me, someone! ODA    [plaintive] Is it heavy? GRACE    It's big.  Need to get it away from the wall. ODA    [uncertain] I'll help. SOUND    GRIND OF WOOD ON STONE GRACE and ODA    [grunt, pushing] SOUND    SWOOSH OF BLADE ODA    [SCREAM, gurgle] GRACE    [Scream of fear] SOUND    BODY DROPS ODA    [whimpers, expires] GRACE    [covering mouth, trying to stop screaming] NATHALIA    [excited, but not afraid]  She is dead! GRACE    [hiccuppy gasp, gets control]  That blade just came out of the wall when we pushed the box! AMELIE    [to Grace] You come with me.  We will 'old the door and let monsieur look.  [up to him]  Je ne sais - eh - we do not even know your name! GARTH    Garth.  Garth Jenkins.  AMELIE    I am Amelie.  [hinting] And this is--? GRACE    [almost composed again, but still sniffling] Grace.  I can't believe it.  [starting to lose it again] How could something like that... happen..? AMELIE    'ere.  Lean on the door with me. GARTH    Well...  Stay back, ladies. NATHALIA    I can see perfectly well from here. GARTH    Ok.  She's dead, all right.  That blade must have been on a tripwire of some kind. NATHALIA    It cut her nearly in half. AMELIE    What is this tripwire you speak of? GARTH    A trap.  He said there would be traps.  I guess you need to know why we're here... MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON SOUND     CHAIN, SCUFFLE, ECHO, DRIP LUIGI    [muttered, in pain] Mamma mia! GARTH    Wowsers.  My aching head. KLAUS    [snort of indignation] SOUND    CHAINS RATTLE LUIGI    Hey now!  This is an outrage!  Who are you to do this-a to me! GARTH    Do what?  I can't see a thing.  What's someone doing? KLAUS    [calm, superior] Someone has locked us all in chains. CHNOSSOS [over intercom] Yes. [evil chuckle] You are all my prisoners. GARTH    Wowsers! LUIGI    It is an outrage! CHNOSSOS Yes, yes. I am outrageous.  GARTH    [to doc] You should let us go.  The American government won't like this one bit.  No sir. LUIGI    [to doc] You watch yourself, funny guy!  You come-a let us out now, and maybe we don't-a kill you dreadful! KLAUS    Shut up!  [they do] I wish to hear what this man has to say. CHNOSSOS Very good. I said I am your captor, and this is true.  GARTH    Hey! LUIGI    Outrage! CHNOSSOS I have brought you here to play my game. [evil chuckle] I thought that would silence you.  I am Doctor Chnossos.  Perhaps you have heard of me?  [waits, no reply, then grumpy]  Probably for the best.  I am a secretive genius.  [upbeat again] You see, I have it in mind to find the perfect male human specimen in the entire world, and have narrowed it down to you three. GARTH    Specimen?  I ain't no specimen! LUIGI    Mamma mia!  Look no further!  I am the strongest man alive!  No one can stand before me! KLAUS    [musing] Fascinating. CHNOSSOS Through exhaustive research, I have narrowed it down to you. Garth Jenkins, All-American football star, Olympic runner, and gold medal swimmer. GARTH    I can hold my breath for three minutes! CHNOSSOS Luigi Marconi, European strongman and champion wrestler. LUIGI    I snap you like a twig! CHNOSSOS And Klaus Heinz, fencing master, ace pilot, and big game hunter. GARTH    Really? LUIGI    Pilot, like the Red Baron? KLAUS    I see no point in denying it. CHNOSSOS The game is simple. See who makes it out of my little labyrinth alive. GARTH    Wowsers! KLAUS    Hmph. LUIGI    Santa Maria! CHNOSSOS There is only one exit. Somewhere out there in my maze.  And only one of you may leave.  [ominous] Ever. GARTH    You want us to... kill each other? LUIGI    I'm not-a that kind of feller. KLAUS    It could not be so simple. CHNOSSOS You are right. It is not that simple.  I do not care who dies, only who escapes.  Kill or do not kill - that is no concern of mine. GARTH    Good. CHNOSSOS BUT... whichever ones are left inside will surely die, for I will seal the door the minute an escape is made. KLAUS    Of course. LUIGI    Dios mio! CHNOSSOS And, of course, my beloved maze - it is full of traps! MUSIC Box room AMELIE    They 'ave stopped.  At the door. NATHALIA    Should we open the door and look? GARTH    I don't think so.  It could be a trap. GRACE    [cold] If what you say is true, this entire place is a trap.  I for one would rather die than fall into their hands, if they're anything like the fellows I saw [falters] before... before-- AMELIE    oh!  Moi aussi! GARTH    Nobody's dying! NATHALIA    [snort] GARTH    Nobody else! SUSANNE    [distant] [horrible screams!!!  THEY GO ON A LONG TIME] AMELIE    Mon dieu! NATHALIA    We need weapons. GRACE    I wish she would stop! GARTH    Well, I've checked everything I can think of on this box.  Looks like I can open it, though after what happened, I wish I had a good old pool cue or something to let me stay back. AMELIE    We will stay by the door.  GRACE     Out of your way. SOUND    SLOW CREAK OPEN BOX GARTH    I just wish I knew what that crazy doctor wants with-- [breaks off in surprise]  What the hay? NATHALIA    What is it? GARTH    The box is full of ... [a little worried] weapons. MUSIC FLASHBACK DUNGEON GARTH    Why in blazes are you doing this? CHNOSSOS As I said, I must see who is the most perfect male. Since you each have your own strengths-- LUIGI    Strength!  That is what I have. CHNOSSOS --there is no direct comparison except through competition. To begin with, those chains-- SOUND    CLANK, CLATTER AS CHAINS FALL AWAY CHNOSSOS --must come off. There is no contest in watching strong men starve to death.  Speak amongst yourselves.  I must go and prepare the next challenge. [evil laugh] SOUND    NOISE TO INDICATE SPEAKING SYSTEM IS OFF GARTH    You!  Fellows! KLAUS    Ja? LUIGI    Donchoo come-a no closer! GARTH    See here, we should work together.  If there's danger here, cooperation will be the best thing for it. KLAUS    [considering] But this voice - he said that only one can win. LUIGI    And that one - its'a gonna be me, by all the saints! GARTH    That's all fine and dandy, but right now we're just three fellers in a dark room.  Let's at least stick together til we find a way out.  Or some light. SOUND    DOOR GRATES OPEN KLAUS    I think you get both of your wishes. SOUND    KLAUS WALKS GARTH    Hey, not so fast!  It could be a trap! KLAUS    I think it is too early in the game for that.  No.  This is merely an opening move.  I will make the first counter move. SOUND    LUIGI GETS UP LUIGI    I'm-a gonna wait and see what happens to that bosch before I step up.  No sense a-both of us getting killed alla the same time, eh? GARTH    It looks safe ...so far. MUSIC BOX ROOM NATHALIA    Weapons?  Guns? GARTH    No, no guns.  Hold on.  SOUND    STUFF BEING MOVED, JUST A LITTLE GARTH    Huh. [almost a chuckle] A good old pool cue.  Stay back! AMELIE    Why?  Should we not 'elp? GARTH    I saw something move.  I'm gonna see what I can... SOUND    SOMETHING FLOPS ON THE FLOOR NATHALIA    A whip!  I'll take that. GARTH    You know how to use it? NATHALIA    I had a very unusual ... boyfriend. AMELIE    'Ow unusual? NATHALIA    [laugh]  Oh!  Your face!  He worked with the circus.  Trained animals. GRACE    I don't suppose there might be a riding crop in there?  I'm a dab hand with close cuts. GARTH    Stay back! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR AMELIE    'Elp me 'old the door! GRACE    [grunt, she throws herself against the door]  Find us something we can use - quickly! SOUND    THUMP ON THE DOOR MUSIC dungeon CHNOSSOS Come in gentlemen. [evil chuckle] I can see that physical perfection is no guarantee of courage. LUIGI    I ain't-a no coward - donchoo say that! KLAUS    [from off] I think you had best come in here. GARTH    Come on. LUIGI    I'll a-go first. SOUND    WALKING GARTH    Holy moley! LUIGI    Santa Maria! KLAUS    Most charming, are they not?  Sleeping peacefully in their night shifts. GARTH    Look, here, you!  It's all very well to challenge us fellows, but this-- CHNOSSOS The six ladies you see before you are the most beautiful women in the world. LUIGI    You ain't a-kidding! CHNOSSOS You might recall a recent article about the loss, at sea, of the boat carrying the finalists in the world beauty pageant? GARTH    Jumping jehosephat! KLAUS    [aha] Of course! LUIGI    That explains-a everything! CHNOSSOS It was all a ruse - the boat DID sink, but not until I had "relieved" it of its lovely cargo. GARTH    And the rest of the passengers and crew? CHNOSSOS Unnecessary. They went down with the ship.  Couldn't have anyone left behind to inform the authorities of my presence, could I? KLAUS    What is the matter with the girls?  Why do they not awaken? CHNOSSOS Oh, it's been much easier to keep them drugged until now. They should be coming to any minute.  Before they do, I should tell you the rest of the rules of the game. LUIGI    Game?  This ain't-a no game! GARTH    Shh.  Let him talk. CHNOSSOS No one escapes without a woman. I need two perfect specimens - a male and a female. KLAUS    You sound like you plan to start a master race. CHNOSSOS I leave that to others. Each of you must choose one of the women for your companion.  LUIGI    What do we -uh- do with the girl? CHNOSSOS [juicy] Anything you like. But you must keep her alive until you find the exit. KLAUS    Do you have to keep the same woman?  CHNOSSOS Any woman will do. That's all the same to me. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    THUMP ON DOOR! GRACE    They're going to get through any second SOUND    WHIP CRACK NATHALIA    [vicious, excited] Let them.  GARTH    Here's a knife, and - oh!  SOUND    THUMP OF KNIFE INTO BOX GARTH    Got it! SOUND     THUMP ON DOOR GRACE    [gasp, strain] Got WHAT? GARTH    Something spidery.  Probably poisonous - that's why I'm taking this kinda slow! SOUND    SPIKE COMES CRUNCHING THROUGH DOOR AMELIA    [gaspy scream]  Be more quick! NATHALIA    Let it open. GARTH    All right.  On three, both of you, move over there, quick!  I don't want to lose nobody else. SOUND    THUMP, CRASH! MUSIC dungeon GARTH    What about the others?  CHNOSSOS What? GARTH    The other girls.  There's six of them and only three of us.  What happens to the others? CHNOSSOS [nasty wicked] Don't worry. They won't be alone for long.  [evil chuckle] You think I run this place single-handed?  I have a horde of ..."men" just waiting to [insinuating] make the ladies' acquaintance. GARTH    You fiend! KLAUS    Very clever. LUIGI    You put this into our hands?  You make-a this all our fault! CHNOSSOS [taunting] Your fault? Why, no!  Think of it this way - you each get to save one of these ladies from their fate! GARTH    A fate worse than death! CHNOSSOS Just because those left behind are.... mmm... doomed. GARTH    Well, we won't leave any, will we?  [beat]  Will we? KLAUS    It will make it very difficult to succeed, herding a flock of women through a maze. LUIGI    I like-a the ladies, but they can be a little hard to manage. SOUND    GIRLS BEGIN TO WAKEN GARTH    You heels.  [up, to doc]  Hey!  What if we don't leave any of 'em behind?  What about that? CHNOSSOS You can make that choice if you want. And of course, should any of them die in the traps in this maze-- GARTH    Die? CHNOSSOS --and I assure you gentlemen, the traps are very very deadly! You might do well to take more than one, rather like a spare tire - since no one will make it out without a distaff partner. KLAUS    Nein.  GARTH    No, Six. KLAUS    [exasperated sigh, then "duh"] No.  I will burden myself with only one.  Easier to watch over.  AMELIE    [waking, very French]  Oh la la!  Ou et la? LUIGI     But how do you propose to choose who gets a-which a-one? GARTH    We should make up our minds now - before they all wake up and start a ruckus. NATHALIE    [russian-sounding mutter] KLAUS    I have already decided.  I will have this blonde one. SUSANNE    [waking up]  Oh!! GARTH    Why's that? KLAUS    Simple.  She is the smallest.  Easiest to carry, should something happen.  You, girl. SUSANNE    [gasp, American]  What?  Where am I? GARTH    Hey, you should leave her to me.  She's from the good old U-S of A! KLAUS    Too late.  Come with me, girl. SUSANNE    I don't want to-- KLAUS    [threatening] Do not argue with me.  This is a matter of life and death! CHNOSSOS Too right you are. For in five minutes, that green door on the far wall will open and a few of my choice minions will be let loose in this room.  And you know what will happen then... [evil chuckle] GARTH    Holy cats!  We better get a move on. LUIGI    But where a-do-a we go?  There's the dreadful green door, and the way-a we came in, and then--? SOUND    GRATING OF STONE KLAUS    How convenient.  Three doorways open.  Come girl.  I will keep you alive. SOUND    GRABS UP SUZANNE KLAUS    And we will make our exit, stage left. SUSANNE    But I don't understand! KLAUS    I will tell you all you need to know.  [commanding] Come! SOUND    THEY LEAVE AMELIE    And 'oo will tell us all we need to know? LUIGI    French?  Eh!  I have always favored French girls.  I'll take-a you. AMELIE    [defiant] Take-a me where?  I do not think so! LUIGI    [getting mad] Don't argue a-with-a me!  You won't-a getta better chance-a than this! GARTH    You better go, lady.  Bad things are gonna happen here. AMELIE    Huh!  And no bad tings will 'appen with thees fellow?  Hah! LUIGI    Atsa your bad-a luck, then.  You-- HELGA    Ja? LUIGI    Do notta speak.  Just come. SOUND    HUSTLES HER OFF AMELIE    Hmph.  Adieu. MUSIC BOX ROOM SOUND    MAN CHOKING GARTH    Leave off! NATHALIA    [with exertion] He would be doing worse to me, were our positions reversed! GARTH    We already killed three of them!  We should keep him alive, make him tell us how to get out of here! NATHALIA    Very well. [lets up, then hissed] You!  You will take us through the maze, or He will leave you to me again, and strangling you is NOT the most painful thing I can do with this whip. SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER MONGREL    [gasping] GRACE    Are we certain the others are dead? GARTH    Best as I can be.  AMELIA    I want 'is spear.  Anything to keep terrible things at arm's length. GRACE    I guess that leaves me the knife, unless you want to dig further into that box. SOUND    CREAK OF WOOD GRACE    The box!  It's tipping forward! GARTH    Dang it!  [to the captive] YOU!  Where do we go from here? MONGREL    [gibbers in his language] GARTH    Don't tell me he don't speak no English! AMELIA    If he does not speak, then he is no use!  NATHALIA    Da!  Then he is mine! MONGREL    No!  No! GRACE    There's an opening under the box - and the darkness!  It's moving! AMELIA    Spiders! NATHALIA    Bah!  A whip is useless against such as those - we must leave here! MUSIC DUNGEON GARTH    Gosh.  I can't leave any of you girls here alone.  That wouldn't be right. AMELIE    We can look after ourselves. NATHALIA    Speak for your own self!  I want him to look after me. ODA    Someone tell us, please, what it is that is going on? GRACE    Yes.  Can't you fill us in? GARTH    Not here, not now.  We gotta get moving - bad things are coming. GRACE    Bad things?  Could you be a bit more vague? AMELIE    [troubled] That voice over the intercom - it said that.  I think he is sincere. GARTH    We'll get a move on, and I can tell you as we go. ODA    You are taking her with you? GARTH    Darnitall, I'm taking all o' y'all. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SUSANNE    [distant, still screaming and gasping, and sobbing] KLAUS    Verdammt.  She must be behind the wall here, somewhere.  [noise as he kicks the wall] GRACE    [distant scream] KLAUS    My apologies, miss America.  But there remain other fish in the ocean. SOUND    HE WALKS AWAY FROM SUSANNE'S SCREAM MUSIC FLAShBACK TO BOAT SOUND    CALM OCEAN, DISTANT MUSIC SUSANNE    Gee, this is swell! AMELIE    You are recovered from your mal-de-mer? SUSANNE    One hundred percent!  Gosh, even seasick sounds so much nicer in French, don't it? AMELIE    [laughs] ODA    Oh, here is where you are!  It is almost time for the curfew.  AMELIE    I don't think it is so dangereuse, to steal a few more minutes of this lovely ocean air! SOUND    FEET APPROACH GRACE    Ah, I'm not the only one with a mind to an evening constitutional?  Makes one sleep quite soundly. SUSANNE    Is that another boat out there? AMELIE    [shrug] Eh.  There are innumerable boats in the ocean. SOUND    BELL SUSANNE    Yeah.  I swear it's coming right at us. ODA    [a bit worried] Oh, come along, we must obey the rules! SOUND    THEY WALK INSIDE, DOOR OPENS GRACE    You'll forget all about strange boats once you get around some warm milk, and tuck up for the night. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI HELGA    I cannot move another step! LUIGI    [threatening] Ahhh!  You know what-a will happen to you if-a you don't! HELGA    [stifled sob] LUIGI    Open that door. HELGA    My hand is still bleeding from the last door! LUIGI    So.  You still have one-a good hand.  [growl] Open it. HELGA    [sobbing breath] LUIGI    [warning noise] HELGA    [takes deep trepidacious breath, pushes door open] SOUND    DISTANT EXPLOSION HELGA    [gasp!] MUSIC FLASHBACK TO BOAT AMBIANCE     BOAT SOUND    EXPLOSION NOTE    GIRLS HAVE BEEN DRUGGED, ARE GROGGY SUSANNE    What?  What's going on? SOUND    STUMBLING TO DOOR SOUND    HUGE CREAK, THINGS SLIDE SUSANNE    What the - oh!!  [stumbles, gasps for breath] ODA    Why is the world sliding to the window? SUSANNE    I'll try to [gasping breath] try to get to the door-- SOUND    STAGGERING FEET ODA    Don't leave me!  I cannot swim! SUSANNE    I'll just-- SOUND    DOOR FLIES OPEN MONGREL    [evil laughter] SUSANNE    [screams] ODA    What is it?  Oh! [screams] MONGREL    [evil laughter] MUSIC OUTSIDE BOX ROOM SOUND    WHIP CRACK MONGREL    [scream of agony] NATHALIA    [ecstatic gasp, laugh!, sound of effort as she brings her arm back for another slice] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, CATCH HAND MONGREL    [whimpering] GARTH    [ugh as he stops her] Here, now, that's enough of that! NATHALIA    Hmph.  That one will be of no help! AMELIE    We cannot merely stand 'ere in the corridor!  Something will come! GRACE    She's right.  We should keep moving along. NATHALIA    This one goes first.  If he will not help us find the way, his only use is to find the traps before we do. SOUND    CLUNK, BEHIND A DOOR GARTH    Shh!  There's something in that room up ahead! SOUND    GRAPPLE MONGREL    [whimper] NATHALIA    Open the door, you beast! MONGREL    [negatory noise] NATHALIA    [intense whisper]  You think I've hurt you already?  You have felt nothing yet! GRACE    Here, now - that's quite enough! NATHALIA    Back off, limey!  I have no wish to die! GARTH    Ladies! AMELIE    The only one 'oo wins, if we fight, is the monster 'oo put us 'ere! NATHALIA    If this thing is not going to open the door, it certainly will not be me! GARTH    [determined sigh] I'll open the door.  You three, stand back.  Keep an eye on him. NATHALIA    [muttered] Teach your grandmother to suck eggs. SOUND    DOORKNOB SLOWLY TURNS MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    ZIPPER HELGA    [sobbing] LUIGI    Get up.  HELGA    No.  I will not. LUIGI    You should be grateful I would even touch you - you sniveling thing. HELGA    I have lost everything.  My hand.  My... dignity.  And now this ... insult. LUIGI    [nasty whisper] Think of it as a compliment.  One last chance to feel like a woman. HELGA    [hissed, angry]  I might feel like a woman, if you felt anything like a man! LUIGI    You bitch!  SOUND    SLAP HELGA    [gasp] LUIGI    I am your only chance to survive.  Once we get out of here, you can go to hell! HELGA    [fiery] You can go to hell right here! SOUND    SHE RUNS OFF, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY LUIGI    What? SOUND    TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS, RUSTLE AS HIS PANTS FALL, HE TRIPS LUIGI    [falling, ahhh!  Oof!]  HELGA    [distant - laughter is cut off by a shrill scream, in turn cut off in mid-scream] SOUND    HEAVY THUMP OF A BLADE, DISTANT LUIGI    Biiiiitch! MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    DOOR OPENS GARTH    It's dark. AMELIE    Do not go in.  I'll light something off one of these flames. GRACE    What will burn well? GARTH    I'll open the door the rest of the way, see what I can see-- urk! SOUND    SCUFFLE! AMELIE    Garth? GRACE    Oh god! NATHALIA    Bring it out into the light! SOUND    STRUGGLE STOPS KLAUS    [from within] Step back, ladies.  We are coming out. GARTH    [half strangled] Why I oughtta....! KLAUS    Shh!  This knife says you are now the quiet one.  [up] I suggest you ladies all move over there.  Unless you want your hero to have a very close shave. GRACE    Nathalia!  Come here! NATHALIA    [angry noise] SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER, HER ANGRY FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    Danke shoen.  Let us be Civilized about this. GRACE    Go on then. GARTH    Civilized?  Urk! GRACE    [low and intense] Do not anger the man with the knife! KLAUS    The ever practical britisher.  Hah!  I find myself without a companion. GRACE    Susanne? AMELIE    [gasp] NATHALIE    Fiend! KLAUS    [cold, tinged with anger] She was snatched from behind me by one of the minions.  I turned and saw her pulled through a door, which I could not open.   GRACE    So, being practical, what are you doing here? NATHALIA    Is it not obvious?  He needs a new woman. KLAUS    Ja.  [wry] Have I a volunteer?  Or must I resort to threats? AMELIE    You are not going to kill 'im?  KLAUS    Not if one of you comes with me.  We will walk down the hall, and he will accompany us as far as the intersection there.  AMELIE    Why should we trust you? KLAUS    You have my word as a Prussian. GRACE    And the others? KLAUS    [matter of fact] Wait here.  He will come back for you.  He is such an honorable schoolboy.  Is it a deal, my fine fellow? GARTH    [gasping a bit] Only if the ladies agree. GRACE    One of us will have to-- NATHALIA    I will go. AMELIE    What, you want to go with 'im? NATHALIA    Perhaps I am this tired of boy scouts.  Should I take my pet along with me? SOUND    KICKS MONGREL    [Urk] SOUND    FLOPPY FALL GRACE    Goodness, I think he's... dead! MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    TRICKLING, DRIPPING NOISES LUIGI    Dios mio!  Such a mess.  Stupid woman! SOUND    DOOR OPENS, DISTANT LUIGI    Too bad-a this blade is too big to take with me.  I am-a left with the same club of wood.  No more blades up above?  [considering noise, scanning the ceiling]   No. nothing else a-looks tricky. SOUND    CAREFUL STEPPING OVER, FOOTSTEP IN STICKY PUDDLE LUIGI    [ech!  Disgusted noise] SOUND    DISTANT FOOTSTEPS, BOOTS SOUND    LUIGI WALKS QUIETLY OFF, STICKY FOOT MUSIC HALLWAY, LADIES AMELIE    What if 'ee does not return? GRACE    He can't get out without one of us.  He must come back. AMELIE    [odd tone] But... 'ee can only leave with one of us. GRACE    We'll sort that all out when we get that far. AMELIE    [musing] Oui.  We will. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS KLAUS    There.  Now, you must admit I have done you no more harm than I had to.  GARTH    [angry sigh] Yes. KLAUS    And you swear you will count 20 before you move? GARTH    Yes. NATHALIA    [cold] I do not see why you should not kill him, eliminate the competition now. GARTH    Nathalia! NATHALIA    Garth, dear boy - you are adorable.  But this is life and death, tovarisch. KLAUS    [furious hiss] I have given my word, woman!  NATHALIA    [fierce, But backing down] Very well! GARTH    You should get a move on.  For all we know that eyetalian fellow is already on his way out the exit. MUSIC HALLWAY LUIGI MONGRELS WATCHING, ON THE LEFT, GENERAL CONVERSATION MONGREL    [babbling] MONGREL2    [babbling, slightly higher voice] LUIGI    [on right, whisper]  Bastardos! SOUND    ROCK SKIPS ACROSS FLOOR MONGRELS    [gasp to a stop] SOUND    WEAPONS COMING TO READY MONGRELS     [shushing each other] LUIGI    [whispered] Now for the bait. SOUND    JUICY DRAG NOISE, FLOP LUIGI     [whispered] Look at that a-shapely leg, boys.  How can you resist? MONGRELS    [murmur - excited - wolf whistle] LUIGI    [high pitched gasp, mimicking a girl] SOUND    STICKY FLOPPY NOISE, PULLS SEVERED LEG BACK MONGRELS    [nasty chuckle] LUIGI    Just a few... more... steps... MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING, TAPPING AHEAD WITH A STICK GRACE    How will we know the exit when we find it? GARTH    I guess, from what he said, I assumed it would be obvious. AMELIE    Do not pester 'im.  'ee is doing the best 'ee can!  [to Garth, warm] I trust you, completemente! GARTH    [a little uncertain] Well.  They went thataway, so I figure we should try this direction.  GRACE    Perhaps he knew something? GARTH    I don't think so. AMELIE    Whichever way you wish to go is fine.  I am right behind you, [sexy] always. GARTH    Come on, then.  SOUND    THEY TAP AND WALK OFF MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    SCUFFLE, SWOOSH, THUMP, CREAK OF LEATHER KLAUS    [heavy breathing] That was too close! NATHALIA    My God!  That would have cut me in half! KLAUS    You look much better in one piece. NATHALIA    If we do not escape-- [leaves it hanging] KLAUS    This doctor says we will be sealed in here.  Do not worry.  I will kill you quickly.  And then find a way to end myself as well. NATHALIA    Before you do that, we must find a place where we can ...enjoy one last minute together. KLAUS    If it was only a minute, I would call it an insult to both of us. NATHALIA    [ecstatic deep breath] KLAUS    [Deep breath] [clipped, cold] But for now - Let us try still to win, before we plan to celebrate defeat.  MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    FIGHT! LUIGI    [grunt] SOUND    CRUNCH MONGREL    [squeal, ends in gurgle, dies] LUIGI    Hah! That's-a for you. SOUND    BODY DROP SOUND    SMACKS HANDS CLEAN SUSANNE    [muffled gasp, behind wall] LUIGI    Eh?  SOUND    SCUFFLE SUSANNE    [sob] LUIGI    Where are a-you? SUSANNE    Who - who is it? LUIGI    [low chuckle, then muttered, satisfied]  It's-a someone who needs him a woman. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND     WALKING APPROACHES, STOPS NATHALIA    Borje-moi!  Another dead end! KLAUS    [furious!]  Gott in Himmel!  [deep hissed breath, calming himself]  Pah!  At least going this direction, we know where the traps are. MUSIC HALLWAY, LUIGI SOUND    DOOR GRINDS OPEN SUSANNA    [hoarse shriek]  No more!  Please! LUIGI    Come out of there.  We need to move along! SUSANNA    [whimper] You're not one of ...them? LUIGI    I am one of-a me.  And I need one of-a you.  Come now, girl, or I will leave you to their mercies. SUSANNA    Noo!!! LUIGI    Come out! SUSANNA    But I-- [whimpers, sniffles]  They took my clothes! LUIGI    You can-a walk naked, can't you? SUSANNA    [cries] LUIGI     Fine.  I take-a you something from these-a dead fellows, eh? SUSANNA    Just anything.  Please. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    TAPPING, OFF TO THE LEFT GRACE    I know what you're about! AMELIE    Whatever do you mean? GRACE    This helpless act, and agreeing with everything poor Garth says.  He won't be fooled. AMELIE    I am fooling no one.  I truly agree with 'im.  Is it so bad that I wish to survive? GRACE    I shan't play this game. AMELIE    She 'oo does not play cannot 'ope to win! GARTH    [coming in]  Seems clear up ahead.  Come on. MUSIC HALLWAY, KLAUS SOUND    WALKING KLAUS    Shh! SOUND    THEY STOP SOUND    DISTANT DOOR OPENS KLAUS    [whispered] stay close! SOUND    QUIET STEPS KLAUS    [whisper] This way. MUSIC HALLWAY, GARTH SOUND    WALKING GARTH    [whispered] Big open room ahead.  Stay right here, and keep an eye out behind, got it? AMELIE    [fervent] Absolutment! GRACE    [clipped, a bit sour] Yes. SOUND    HIS FOOTSTEPS, THEN A GRATING NOISE GARTH    A gate!  Quick!  Come on! AMELIE    It's coming down too fast! GRACE    Slide! SOUND    GRATING STOPS GARTH    [grunts - effort - holding up the gate]  Come... On!  Quick!  Get under! GRACE     Go!  SOUND    DISTANT MUTTER OF MONGRELS AMELIE    They are coming! GRACE    Move your shapely posterior! GARTH    [lots of effort] Quickly! AMELIE    [breathing heavily] Oh!  Oh!  I am clear! GRACE    My turn, I think. GARTH    HURRRRRRY! GRACE    Oh!  Something's grabbed my foot! AMELIE    [quiet] oh no.  GRACE    Help me!  Amelie!  Ahh!  GARTH    [straining] I can't hold it much longer! AMELIE    [dithering] Oh... [decides]  Oui.  Give me your 'ands! SOUND    HANDS SLAP TOGETHER BOTH WOMEN STRAIN GRACE    I'm loose!  Quick, Pull!! AMELIE    Uuuh! SOUND    RIPPING OF FABRIC GARTH    It's slipping! SOUND    CLANG!  PORTCULLIS DROPS GRACE    Good god - If my feet were a size larger, I'd be lost.  Amelie.  Thank you. AMELIE    [upset] pas du tout.  It was nothing. CHNOSSOS True - I fear your heroics were for nothing, mademoiselle. AMELIE    [gasp] GARTH    What are you talking about? CHNOSSOS You are too late. SOUND    GRATING ACROSS THE ROOM, SCUFFLE AS KLAUS AND NATHALIA ENTER GARTH    Too late?  Too late for what? CHNOSSOS The Italian. He has found the exit.  And even though his female was.... damaged goods... I never specified they had to make it out in pristine condition. KLAUS    And now what is to happen? CHNOSSOS I have what I wanted. You are ...expendable. SOUND    SPEAKING TUBE BEING CLOSED KLAUS    That door - Is that the exit?  Do you know? GARTH    I guess I thought it was. SOUND    DOORS OPENING, ALL AROUND SOUND    FEET ENTER MONGRELS    [many] [laughing evilly] KLAUS    There must be dozens of them! GARTH    Quick!  Circle up!  Face outward.  NATHALIA    No mercy! SOUND    WHIP! GRACE    Amelie, Come on! MUSIC THE WINNER SOUND    MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS, CHAMPAGNE POURS LUIGI    So.  What-a is it that I win? SOUND    MACHINE WHIRS, ENTERING CHNOSSOS [not on speakers] You are the perfect male specimen. LUIGI    I coulda told you that from-a the beginning. CHNOSSOS You are lucky I was only looking for physical specimens. Morally, I fear you are ... flawed. LUIGI    [shrug] You never asked for morals.  You don't-a seem like the type. CHNOSSOS No. I have never been overburdened with morals.  Scientists can't afford such luxuries. LUIGI    [scoffing] Scientist?  A dried up old-a walnut of a fellow like-a you? CHNOSSOS You should be more polite to your host. LUIGI    I think-a we are past that.  So?  What do I win? CHNOSSOS Have some more champagne and I will tell you everything. MUSIC STILL IN THE MAZE BACK TO OUTER ROOM SOUND    FIGHT HAS ENDED.  HEAVY BREATHING ALL ROUND MONGREL    [groan] KLAUS    [grunt as he stabs the man]  GARTH    That looks like the last one moving.  Everyone okay? GRACE    I think Amelie is hurt.  Her thigh. AMELIE    It's just a scratch. GRACE    Why don't you see if you can get the door open?  I'll see to this. NATHALIA    I will watch for any other ... enemies. KLAUS    So, [wry, but with humor] my fellow loser, do we go and take our prizes? GARTH    That sounds jake to me!  Let's get that door open! MUSIC INSIDE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR CRASHES OPEN CHNOSSOS [on speakertube] So, you have managed to escape! KLAUS    Ja.  CHNOSSOS You are too late! GARTH    All we want to do is get the heck out of here, doc!  You try and stop us, and we'll give you what for! NATHALIA    We are not going to find and kill this beast? SOUND    LIMPING UP BEHIND AMELIE    [whimpers, gasps] GRACE    We simply do not have that luxury.  It is more important to get ourselves clear.  [to Amelie] Come along. KLAUS    [to doc] I doubt that there is one of us who would want any prize that came from the likes of you! GARTH    [to doc] Just you stay out of our way!  You hear? CHNOSSOS Go on. Leave.  I have no need for any of you. MUSIC BOAT SOUND    OCEAN SOUND    CREAK OF BOAT SOUND    FEET APPROACH GARTH    All clear.  And there's even some food in the galley. KLAUS    Get the ladies on board. GARTH    Are you thinking what I'm thinking? KLAUS    That leaving this ... villain... to roam at large is somehow dishonorable? GARTH    I just wanted to whup his fanny, but that sounds real reasonable. NATHALIA    [breathless, worried] You're not going back in there? KLAUS    Ja.  And I am coming back out.  [quiet, intense] You are fierce.  That will give me the inspiration to return. NATHALIA    [gasp] GARTH    Hey. GRACE    Yes? GARTH    Is she... is she doing okay? GRACE    [resigned] She'll survive.  Thanks to you.  Now go on.  Make the world safe for all of us. GARTH    Right.  Come on, Klaus. MUSIC AMBIANCE DOC'S LAIR SOUND    DOOR BROKEN IN SOUND    JUICY PLOPPY CUTTING NOISES GARTH and KLAUS     [react as they stumble in] CHNOSSOS No! Stay away!  I am not finished! GARTH    Holy Cow! KLAUS    Mein Gott! CHNOSSOS You will not take away my perfect specimen! GARTH    I don't want it. KLAUS    But you, old man, must be stopped. CHNOSSOS Nooooo- Urk! MUSIC OUTSIDE SOUND    TWO MEN WALK BACK TO THE BOAT SOUND    BEHIND THEM THE PLACE BURN   KLAUS    Mein gott.  That could have been either one of us. GARTH    We can't tell none of them girls what we saw in there. KLAUS    There is no reason they should need to know. GARTH    Good.  You and me, Klaus old buddy, are the only ones who will ever know what the winner of this damned game was gonna get. KLAUS    ...Skinned and mounted as a trophy. END CREDITS

    19 Nocturne Reissue of the Week - Poe-Etic Justice

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 16, 2022 33:36


    [Mature themes and violence] A modernization of the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe, turning it into a 1980s frat house horror movie. A bunch of pranksters find out the joke's on them. Written and produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Frogger - Brian Lomatewama Lydia - Megan Lane Rex - James Turpin Deanna - Chandra Wade Uno - Justin Charles Buzz - Lothar Tuppan Trey - Danar Hoverson Lucky - Cary Ayers June - Kate Waterous Lisa - Melissa Pang Bob - James Sedgwick Fred - Jonathon del Arroz Dora - Melissa Bartell Kathy - Suzanne Dunn Music by Persson (available on Jamendo)  Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson Thanks to Glen Hallstrom for sound assistance Cover Design:  Dennis Hager "What kind of a place is it? Why it's a college locker room, in the classic era of frat-house prank films, can't you tell?" ****************************************************************** POE-etic Justice Loosely adapted from the story "Hop-Frog" by Edgar Allen Poe by Julie Hoverson (19nocturne@live.com) Cast: [Opening credits - Olivia] Frogger Lydia Tripp Deanna Dora Bob, Fred, Kathy, June FRATS: Rex Mason, fraternity head, etc. Uno Buzz Trey Lucky OLIVIA      Did you have any trouble finding it?  What do you mean, what kind of a place is it?  Why, it's a college campus in the nostalgic era of screwball hijinks films, can't you tell?  MUSIC LYDIA     (Quotes from the original story) I never knew anyone so keenly alive to a joke as the king was. He seemed to live only for joking. To tell a good story of the joke kind, and to tell it well, was the surest road to his favor. Thus it happened that his seven ministers were all noted for their accomplishments as jokers. AMB     LOCKER ROOM UNO     Man!  Did you see the look on his face! BUZZ     Like he'd never seen it bald before. FRATS      [Hearty laugh] TREY     That was you guys?  Oh, man.  FROGGER     [muttered] It's gonna itch. UNO     [less chummy] What? FROGGER     [laughs unconvincingly] When the hair grows back.  It itches like a sonofabitch. TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [chuckle] UNO     [pretend serious] And Frogger would know! TREY, UNO, BUZZ     [laugh hysterically] REX     Cut him some slack, dudes.  Frogger's our pal.  He's a funny guy. MUSIC LYDIA     About the refinements, or, as he called them, the 'ghost' of wit, the king troubled himself very little. He had an especial admiration for breadth in a jest, and would often put up with length, for the sake of it. MUSIC REX     Are they gonna get here soon? BUZZ     If Studs and Lucky got everything right. REX     Cool, then.  This is gonna be a laugh riot. BUZZ     When the froshes come walking into the rooms, each thinking they're gonna "get a little", oh yeah. REX     Got someone with a tapedeck in each bathroom? BUZZ     Too right!  We had to borrow an extra one from Delta pi, but that's cool.  It was Deanna made the tapes anyway. REX     Frogger, what'd you get her to say? FROGGER     [sigh, then, putting on a matching tone]  I gave her this script.  Should be funny as hell. BUZZ     Here!  "oh, good!  You got my note!  I hope you don't mind that I'm a little... kinky.  [laughing and having a hard time reading]  I want you to undress and [collapses] REX     What? BUZZ     Gimme a minute!  [laughing, deep breath] undress and put on my underwear.  It's right there on the bed.  BUZZ and REX     [hysterical fit] REX     Not laughing, Frogger? FROGGER     Just saving it til I see their faces. REX     [agreeing chuckle]  That'll be boss.  Hey, you're into all that educated stuff.  What's up with this Woody Allen guy?  BUZZ     That's that little Jewish nerd, right? REX     This chick I was with last week says he's all hilarious, but I watched this movie - well, some of it, I was mostly macking on another hottie, and it was all like whining. FROGGER     You want the brainhead answer or the real life one? REX     Hit me with the smart one. FROGGER     Woody Allen specializes in observational humor - looking at the angst and neuroses inherent in modern life and stepping aside and commenting on them.  BUZZ     [elaborate yawn] FROGGER     But mostly it is just whining. REX     [laughs]  I knew it! SOUND     DISTANT DOOR OPENS BUZZ     Shh!  Here they come! MUSIC LYDIA     I believe the name 'Hop-Frog' was not that given to the dwarf by his sponsors at baptism, but it was conferred upon him, by general consent of the several ministers. MUSIC AMB     PARTY REX     Grab me a brewski Frogger. FROGGER     No problemo. DEANNA     Why "Frogger"?  I mean, that's not like his real name, right? REX     Duh.  You just gotta see him cross a street sometime.  Freaking funny. DEANNA     Why do keep a little toad like that around?  Did you like lose a bet? REX     Nah.  Frogger's pretty frosty, for a complete nerd.  He comes up with some truly awesome pranks.  DEANNA     He would have to.  Just looking at him is like visual herpes. REX     Nah, the guys like having him around, cuz next to a mini weenie like that, we all look like kielbassas.  Not that I don't look good anyway. DEANNA     [chuckles seductively] Yeah, takes a whole can of vienna sausage to measure up to one ball park frank. REX     Plumps when you get it hot, babe. FROGGER     Your beer.  And a cocktail for you. DEANNA     [cold] Thanks. REX     Cool.  Hop along now, dude.  My term paper is due tomorrow. DEANNA     See, that's where it's so much harder to be a girl than a guy. REX     Why?  DEANNA     No matter how smart she was, I couldn't keep a dog like that around.  We'd get a rep.   MUSIC LYDIA     I am not able to say, with precision, from what country Hop-Frog originally came. It was from some barbarous region, however, that no person ever heard of - a vast distance from the court of our king. Hop-Frog, and a young girl very little less dwarfish than himself, had been forcibly carried off from their homes. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hiya, Tim! FROGGER     [warm] Hey Lydia. LYDIA     You, um, doing anything tonight? FROGGER     Me?  No.  Did you need some help with something? LYDIA     Me?  No.  I was thinking there's a showing of L'annee Derniere a Marienbad in Culver Hall tonight.  And after what you said about the surrealists [falters] I thought maybe-- FROGGER     Like a date? LYDIA     [backing off]  Maybe.  [covering] Or as friends.  I mean, you don't have to pay or anything. FROGGER     No, no!  I'd love to.  I'm just surprised you'd still speak to me.  LYDIA     Because you hang out with the jackasses?  Nah.  I understand.  I wouldn't mind getting on someone's good side.  FROGGER     [deep] It's not worth it.  Really. LYDIA     But I'm lucky - I don't do anything that makes me a target.  Back in Fulton County, I hated being invisible.  Here, though?  It's a blessing. FROGGER     Even in Fulton, I didn't have much of a choice.  Gotta run now.  Rex is planning a big party for the long weekend.  LYDIA     He needs help? FROGGER      Mostly he just wants people to give him ideas that he can take credit for later. MUSIC LYDIA     The king was sitting at his wine; but the monarch appeared to be in a very ill humor. He knew that Hop-Frog was not fond of wine, for it excited the poor cripple almost to madness; and madness is no comfortable feeling. But the king loved his practical jokes, and took pleasure in forcing Hop-Frog to drink. MUSIC ALL FRATS     Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! FROGGER     [drinking, gasping] REX     Awesome. FROGGER     [coughing] BUZZ     Weenie. ALL FRATS     [laugh] FROGGER     [barely contained anger]  Keep 'em coming. ALL FRATS     [approval] REX     Take a breather, dude.  Mellow out first.  Besides, before you kiss the sky, we need your brain. FROGGER     [breathing deep, trying not to get sick]  What do you expect it to do? ALL      [laugh] REX     We heard that Epsilon Omega is having a toga party. ALL     Toga! Toga! Toga! Toga! REX     Shh!  We're pissed we didn't think of it first.  UNO     Very pissed. REX     Since we don't want to look like copycatting dildoes, we need to come up with a better party.  TREY     And quick - it has to be Friday. LUCKY     Their party is Saturday. BUZZ     And it has to be awesome. UNO     And chicks have to be nearly naked. REX     Well? FROGGER     Hmm.  Garden of Eden. BUZZ     We don't want any bible crap-- FROGGER     You wanted less clothes than togas. UNO     That's the dumbest-- REX     Hold on.  Are we talking fig leaves and stuff?  [considering] Hmm... UNO     I ain't gluing nothing to MY Johnson. FROGGER     Paint the bikini? TREY     What? FROGGER     Get a bunch of tempera paint, have everyone arrive in bikinis, lay out a bunch of tarps and paint each other.  REX     You mean paint ON each other, right? FROGGER     Duh.  I would suggest finger painting. REX     [considering] Yeah. FROGGER     And then everyone has to shower off... REX     [up]  Yeah!  That is so boss!  Half naked chicks, AND you get to put your hands all over them.  Frogger, you are the MAN. MUSIC LYDIA     On some grand state occasion-I forgot what-the king determined to have a masquerade.  Hop-Frog, in especial, was so inventive in the way of getting up pageants, suggesting novel characters, and arranging costumes, for masked balls, that nothing could be done, it seems, without his assistance. MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE LYDIA     Hey Tim! FROGGER     Lydia!  Hey. LYDIA     [amused] Is this your idea? FROGGER      What? SOUND     PAPER FROGGER     "you are cordially invited to a bikini painting party--"  Uh, no.  LYDIA     Hmm.  Well, someone invited me. FROGGER     [up] No!  I mean, don't come.  Those guys are dicks, and-- LYDIA     I wasn't planning to, unless you were asking. FROGGER     Good. LYDIA     I'm not much for drinking - or being around a bunch of drunks. FROGGER     Good! LYDIA     I suppose... I suppose you're kind of stuck there? FROGGER     I have to be there for a while.  Until everyone's drunk enough that I can slip out. LYDIA     Let's meet up later, then.  SOUND     SHE WALKS AWAY LYDIA     [calling back] Maybe I'll even let you paint me. FROGGER     I-- uh-- okay. TREY     Dude.  FROGGER     [gasp of shock] TREY     Nice little number.  I bet you get her out of the glasses and baggy sweater and she's a total fox. FROGGER     [desperately lying]  Nah.  She's got no tits at all.  Just tissue. TREY     Damn.  Chicks are such fakers. FROGGER     [relieved sigh] MUSIC LYDIA     Hereupon the dwarf laughed (the king was too confirmed a joker to object to any one's laughing). Moreover, he avowed his perfect willingness to swallow as much wine as desired. The monarch was pacified. SOUND     PARTY, LOTS OF LAUGHING, DISCO MUSIC REX     Ni-i-ice.  Blondes look good in green. JUNE     [GIGGLES] REX     But are you a natural blonde? JUNE     Only my bikini knows. REX     Maybe it will tell me later... JUNE     [giggles] REX     See ya.  Hey Frogger.  I notice your hands are clean. FROGGER     Just - um- came from the bathroom. REX     Hmm.  Beauty idea about giving each guy a different color and starting a contest to see what girl can get the most colors. FROGGER     Deanna's got quite a rainbow going. REX     Is that a crack? FROGGER     Huh?  No - just admiration. REX     Ah, new guests.  Gotta mingle. LISA     [giggle] Oh, look at you!  Are you someone's little brother? FROGGER     You ever hear the phrase "Say Hello to my leetle friend"? LISA      Yeah? FROGGER     That's me. LISA     [wide-eyed] You said that? FROGGER     [sighs] No that's Scarface.  I'm "the leetle friend". LISA     [giggles] LYDIA     [off, calling]  Oh, there he is! FROGGER     Oh shit.  Excuse me. MUSIC LYDIA     There was a dead silence for about half a minute, during which the falling of a leaf, or of a feather, might have been heard. MUSIC FROGGER     [hurried, whispered] What are you doing here? LYDIA     Didn't you call?  Dora, at the dorm said-- FROGGER     No, I didn't.  You need to get out of here. LYDIA     [puzzled, but laughing]  Why?  It looks kind of fun. FROGGER     [frustrated noise]  No!  They're gonna-- BUZZ     I see someone wearing too much clothes! LYDIA     Huh? LUCKY     Did you bring your bathing suit, foxy lady? FROGGER     She's not here for the party.  It's a mistake. LYDIA     [annoyed] No it's not.  TREY     Is this cuz of what you said about her?     FROGGER     Just drop it.  You gotta go. LYDIA     [sharp] What did you say? FROGGER     Nothing.  C'mon, let's bail. TREY     He said you got no boobs under there. LYDIA     What?  What is wrong with you?  God, Tim, I thought you were my friend. FROGGER     Lydia!  Don't!  I can explain-- TREY     Want to prove him wrong? BUZZ     Of course, if you don't have a suit‑‑ SOUND     RUSTLING LYDIA     Actually, I only have a one-piece. FROGGER     Don't! LYDIA     Chill out. SOUND     RUSTLING AS SHE TAKES OFF HER TOP ALL FRATS     [approving noises] TREY     [walking away] Why don't I start - I am curious.  And I'm yellow. FROGGER     [weak] No... REX     C'mon dude.  Bottoms up. SOUND     RATTLE OF ICE IN GLASS MUSIC LYDIA     Poor fellow! his large eyes gleamed, rather than shone; for the effect of wine on his excitable brain was not more powerful than instantaneous. He placed the goblet nervously on the table, and looked round upon the company with a half-insane stare. They all seemed highly amused at the success of the king's 'joke.' MUSIC SOUND     PAINT SLOSH LYDIA     [laughing uncomfortably] That's cold! TREY     I could warm you up a bit.  Maybe a hot shower.  I'll scrub your back. LYDIA     [uncomfortable] I didn't say stop. TREY     I haven't seen you at one of these before.  What are you, a hermit? LYDIA     Just busy studying. TREY     [suggestive] Do you study... anatomy? LYDIA     I'm an english major. TREY     This--[he's painting on her] is the bicep... LYDIA     Yeah, I know.  TREY     And this-- is the [drawn out] pec-to-ral... LYDIA     [gasp of shock]  I think I'm - out of my depth.  I should go. TREY     Nonsense.  There's seven more colors to go.  Everybody wants to get his hands on you. LYDIA     No. No, look, this was a bad idea. TREY     This-- is the gluteus maximus. LYDIA     Stop! SOUND     SLAPPING NOISE TREY     Oh come on.  You don't want to leave this masterpiece unfinished, do you? LYDIA     Let go of me! REX     [overplayed] OK, what's going on? TREY     Models.  They're so high strung. REX     You should have a drink.  Frogger did. LYDIA     I just want to go. REX     [raising his voice]  Hear that everyone?  She just wants to go. ALL     [everyone laughing] DEANNA     Who does she think she is? ALL     [more laughing, mostly guys] SOUND     POUNDING ON A DOOR FROGGER     [in closet]  Stop!  No! REX     You know, these picnic bottles were a really good idea. SOUND     SQUIRTS PAINT LYDIA     [surprised shriek] ALL     [laugh]       LYDIA     [crying] Stop! REX     Well, being the king, I had her first.  Who's next? BUZZ     I got red, how bout I KETCHUP! [squirting] ALL     [laughing] FROGGER     [in closet]  Nooooo! MUSIC LYDIA     The tyrant seemed quite at a loss what to do or say - how most becomingly to express his indignation. At last, he pushed the girl violently from him, and threw the contents of the brimming goblet in her face. MUSIC SOUND     BREATHING IN A CLOSED SPACE.  OCCASIONAL THUMPS AS FROGGER BEATS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL; the party has run down SOUND     DOOR OPENS REX     Damn.  Almost forgot about you.  C'mon out.  Everyone's all gone home. SOUND     FROGGER SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET, THUMP AS HE SLAMS REX AGAINST THE WALL REX     Unh! FROGGER     You bastard!  You sonofabitch! REX     C'mon dude.  It was just a joke.  No big deal. SOUND     DRINKS FROM A BOTTLE REX     Here.  mellow out. SOUND     OFFERS THE BOTTLE FROGGER     No big deal?  You- you--! REX     Have a drink and get frosty, dude.  Or I might forget I have a big paper coming up and that you need fingers if you're gonna write it for me. SOUND     FROGGER SNATCHES THE BOTTLE, DRINKS DEEP REX     There you go.  That's a pal. SOUND     FROGGER THROWS THE BOTTLE ACROSS THE ROOM, BOTTLE SMASHES REX     [laughs heartily]  Yeah!  You cool? FROGGER     [grim, teeth gritted] I'm completely frozen. MUSIC LYDIA     Hop-Frog endeavored, as usual, to get up a jest in reply to these advances from the king; but the effort was too much. MUSIC SOUND     SHOWER RUNNING SOUND     PHONE RINGS, DISTANT, IS PICKED UP DORA     Yello?  [up]  Lydia! LYDIA     [yelling, still upset] I'm in the shower! SOUND     A MOMENT, THEN POUNDING ON THE DOOR DORA     It's that guy you like.  He wants to talk. LYDIA     Tell him to sit on it! MUSIC LYDIA     "The beauty of the game," continued Hop-Frog, "lies in the fright it occasions among the women." MUSIC TREY     Man, he went total meltdown. BUZZ     His eyes were all bugging out. UNO     Gets all squeaky, like a little bitty piggie. REX     Shh,  Here he comes.  [up]  Frogger, my man.  Have a brewski - we need you at the top of your game tonight. FROGGER     Whatever.  [drinks] REX     Jeez, check out Mr. Dickweed.  He needs to mellow out.  Bring on Mr. Cuervo.  SOUND     LIQUID POUR FROGGER      Just tell me what you need. REX     Nuh-uh.  Not until you got a good buzz.  [serious]  Drink. FROGGER     [sighs] MUSIC LYDIA     "What do you mean by that? Ah, I perceive. You are Sulky, and want more wine. Here, drink this!" and the king poured out another goblet full and offered it to the cripple, who merely gazed at it, gasping for breath. MUSIC REX     I don't know how we didn't hear about it sooner, but Epsilon Omega is doing this medival banquet thing - and it's tonight!  It's sposed to be totally off the hook, with jousting and shit. FROGGER     [muttered] Jousting's on horseback. UNO     We gotta DO something!  BUZZ     We gotta get in there and mess with them! LUCKY     Epsilon Omega are such douches, we gotta show em up! REX     But see, they won't let anyone in that ain't in a costume.  YOU need to get us in there. FROGGER     You can't just rent some stuff? UNO     All the shops are sold out! TREY     We're like the only ones on the entire campus that didn't get an invite! LUCKY     The pussies! REX     And we gotta show them up at their own damn game!  So it's got be really really medival.  Come on! UNO     And frogger, man, you're the king of this crap - the bikini painting party was completely the bomb! FROGGER     [grim]  That.  Right.  Pour me another one. MUSIC LYDIA     The monarch was pacified; and having drained another bumper with no very perceptible ill effect, Hop-Frog entered at once, and with spirit, into the plans for the masquerade. MUSIC FROGGER     There is this thing-- BUZZ     Yeah? FROGGER     Something really authentic and medival-- LUCKY     Dude!  Just spit it out! FROGGER     I'm assuming you don't want to be lepers-- TREY     Like the cat?  I'd rather be a tiger. FROGGER     No!  Leper.  Like all grody zombie-looking people. REX     We could do that. FROGGER     But this will be better. REX     Yeah? TREY     Dude, zombies are medival? FROGGER     [sigh]  No.  No zombies.  And it has to be a costume we can put together really fast. REX     Duh.  Party's tonight. FROGGER     Back in the olden days, they had all sorts of weird party stuff they did.  And one of them was something called the eight chained orangutangs.  BUZZ     Orangutangs?  Man they rock!  [makes farting sound]  That's like Clyde in Every which way but loose, eh?  ALL     [start making monkey noises] FROGGER     It does take eight guys, though... REX     No problemo.  There's five of us here, plus Ricky, Finn, and uh - Marco. FROGGER     [dark] Exactly the ones I'd'a suggested. MUSIC LYDIA     "The chains are for the purpose of increasing the confusion by their jangling. You are supposed to have escaped, en masse, from your keepers. Your majesty cannot conceive the effect produced, at a masquerade, by eight chained ourang-outangs!" MUSIC ALL     [making monkey noises] FROGGER     BUT we have to get you dressed up!  Come on! REX     [commanding] Shut up!  Listen to Frogger.  Save the monkey shit for later. LUCKY     Yeah, man - monkeys throw their shit.  We should have something to throw! BUZZ     I'm calling the costume shop. FROGGER     You can't. BUZZ     Who says? FROGGER     You want to be all historical, right? REX     Duh. FROGGER     OK, well they didn't have snazzy costumes way back when. TREY     What did they do? FROGGER     Covered themselves in tar, then rolled in flax. BUZZ     What the hell is flax? FROGGER     Fibers.  Looks like hair. LUCKY     Tar is gross.  It never comes off. FROGGER     You do it OVER clothes.  Like a track suit. TREY     You expect us to get all tarred up and roll around in hair?  You're a complete-- REX     Genius.  We break into the party like this, and those dicks at Epsilon Omega will never be able to live it down. MUSIC LYDIA     The king and his ministers were first encased in tight-fitting stockinet shirts and drawers. They were then saturated with tar. A long chain was now procured. First, it was passed about the waist of the king, and tied, then about another of the party, and also tied; then about all successively, in the same manner, making a circle. MUSIC SOUND     CLANKING, SHUFFLING FEET ALL FRAT     [muffled giggling] SOUND     PASSING A BOTTLE REX     Shh.  Watch out for the post, dumbass!  TREY     There's a buttload of posts in an old warehouse. UNO     Man, it's kind of cold. FROGGER     [dark] Don't worry - you'll be warm later. SOUND     MORE CLANKING FROGGER     I checked out the layout earlier.  They've got a horseshoe of tables surrounding the middle of the room, with knights and wenches and all seated on the outside.  You should go round the outside of the room first, making trouble- TREY     Grabbing chicks - "not my fault!  Orangutans like boobies!" BUZZ     Beep-beep. FROGGER     [exasperated] Yeah.  [up]  But then get to the center of the room, and I'll come in and get the crowd going. REX     Dude, you are truly the man. SOUND     DOOR OPENS, CLANKING STARTS LOUD ALL FRATS     [monkey noises] SOUND     [distant screams] MUSIC LYDIA     The eight ourang-outangs, taking Hop-Frog's advice, waited patiently until midnight before making their appearance. No sooner had the clock ceased striking, however, than they rushed, or rather rolled in, all together-for the impediments of their chains caused most of the party to fall, and all to stumble as they entered. MUSIC SOUND     WALKIE TALKIE NOISE FROGGER     [hushed] Ok, they're in.  Wait for my signal. SOUND     CRACKLE OF STATIC LYDIA     [almost unrecognizable, on air] Gotcha. FROGGER     We've got about five minutes... MUSIC LYDIA     The excitement among the masqueraders was prodigious, and filled the heart of the king with glee. As had been anticipated, there were not a few of the guests who supposed the ferocious-looking creatures to be beasts of some kind in reality, if not precisely ourang-outangs. MUSIC SOUND     [screams, laughing, monkey noises - behind doors] SOUND     DOOR CRASHES OPEN FROGGER     [squeaky british "jester" voice] Good folk! SOUND     [some quieting, ape noises still going on] SOUND     MICROPHONE SQUELCH FROGGER     Good people! SOUND     [quiet] FROGGER     Good people!  I spy beasts in our midst! FRATS     [ape noises] CROWD     [ripple of laughter] FROGGER     they must have escaped from a keeper! REX     Dude, is that my mister microphone? FROGGER     [not on mike] Shh. [on mike, playing it big] It speaks!  Perhaps it is merely a man in a fabulous costume? FRATS     [hooting monkey noises] SOUND     CROWD APPLAUDS FROGGER     Leave them to me!  I fancy I know them.  If I can only get a good look, I can soon tell who they are! SOUND     CHAIN RATTLES FROGGER     Look at these muscles.  If not a beast, then a beast of a man, don't you think? FRATS     [very butch monkey noises] FROGGER     Perhaps there is someone here who can help me identify them.  You, Milady? NOTE     [frogger is using the mike on the people he's talking with, but the frats are just yelling] SOUND     SLOW MACHINE NOISE SNEAKS IN THROUGHOUT, A BIT OF CHAINS, TOO DORA     Me? FROGGER     I think you know that big one in front.  Do you not? LUCKY     [chuckling] Oh, yeah, she knows me.  If you know what I mean. DORA     [furious] He got me drunk and took topless pictures of me, that he posted all over the dorm! LUCKY     What's a dog like her doing at an Epsilon party? DORA     You ... you bastard! FROGGER     That's a big clue, but I still don't quite recognize them.  Maybe you, sir? BOB     [stuttring]  They - all of them - cornered me in the locker room and pelted me with jockstraps! BUZZ     Dude, it was a joke! BOB     Every day?  For a semester!  It wasn't funny! TREY     It was to us. FROGGER     And you, fair maiden? KATHY     [crying]  They tied me up and covered me in dip at one of their parties. UNO     What's so bad about that? KATHY     I got a rash!  And a yeast infection! REX     Okay, we're out of here.  This ain't funny any more. SOUND     CHAINS RATTLE, A COUPLE OF STEPS FRATS     [reaction noises - ugh, hey, whoa! - as they trip, get pulled up short] UNO     What the crap? REX     The chains're caught on something.  Frogger!  Help us out here. FROGGER     [annoucning] How blind they are, eh, gentle folks? SOUND     APPLAUSE MUSIC LYDIA     With the rapidity of thought, he had inserted the hook from which the chandelier had been wont to depend; and, in an instant, by some unseen agency, the chandelier-chain was drawn so far upward as to take the hook out of reach, and, as an inevitable consequence, to drag the ourang-outangs together in close connection. MUSIC SOUND     MORE CHAINS, STRUGGLES BUZZ     We're stuck! REX     The chains got caught on that hook thing!  Can you reach it? TREY     Give me a boost! SOUND     MACHINE NOISE, HOOK RAISING REX     What the crap? UNO     We're chained at the waist, dumbass, how far you think you're gonna get climbing? FROGGER     Little do they know that this party was thrown in their [sour] honor.  Is it not ironic that they were so caught up in their own amusement they didn't recognize a single one of the people they've wronged? REX     You are so dead, you little shitball.  The minute we get out of here, your life will go to hell. FROGGER     My life has been hell, you evil douchbags!  You think I liked being your little funny guy - your jester?  You think I helped you because I thought it was fun?  Every joke I helped with was like ground glass in my soul, and I still feel like I should be hanging up there with you.  [to crowd]  One more notch, and they'll be on tiptoe.  What do you think? CROWD     [roars approval] FROGGER     It's not as funny when you're the butt of the joke, is it? UNO     Dude, just cut it out.  We've learned our lesson, and shit. man. FROGGER     Lets see what the crowd thinks!  CROWD     [booo] FROGGER     Sorry.  Can't let it go just yet.  How about you, milord?  What's your beef? SOUND     HAND OVER THE MIKE NOISE FRED     [not on mike] They're gonna bury us. FROGGER     [not on mike] Not a problem.  C'mon.  Think of it as group therapy. SOUND     MIKE UNCOVERED FRED     [quick, ashamed] They duct taped my - my butt. FROGGER     [sincere] I'm very sorry. SOUND     CROWD SUBDUED APPLAUSE SOUND     ANOTHER CRANK OF CHAIN FRATS     [whoa!  They've been pulled off the ground] MUSIC LYDIA     The jester suddenly uttered a shrill whistle; and the chain flew violently up - dragging with it the dismayed and struggling ourang-outangs, and leaving them suspended in mid-air. MUSIC FROGGER     Ah, ha! I begin to see who these "people" are now!  But it's so dark in here.  Give me a tiki torch, someone. DORA     Here. FRED     Watch out - they'll kick you! FROGGER     They could.  But then they'll start swinging.  It's not fun, hung up by your waist, is it? UNO     You little shit! TREY     Your ass is grass, man. SOUND     STRUGGLING, CHAIN CREAKING, SWINGING FROGGER     [to the crowd]  How many of us have been hung like this - by you, or those like you? CROWD     [agrees] FROGGER     [over elaborate]  Watch out!  Don't swing too close to the fire! SOUND     FIRE CATCHES WITH A WHOOMPH FRATS     [screaming] CROWD     [screams] FROGGER     Whoops! MUSIC LYDIA     "I now see distinctly." he said, "what manner of people these maskers are. They are a great king and his seven privy-councillors, - a king who does not scruple to strike a defenceless girl and his seven councillors who abet him in the outrage. As for myself, I am simply Hop-Frog, the jester-and this is my last jest." MUSIC AMB     OUTSIDE, NIGHT SOUND     DISTANT FIRE TRUCKS LYDIA     I can't even feel sorry for them. FROGGER     Nope. LYDIA     It helps, to know I'm not alone. FROGGER     You should never feel alone.  I'm here. LYDIA     I mean, that they hurt lots of people. FROGGER     [self-loathing] And I helped.  Too many times.  LYDIA     They would have done it anyway. FROGGER     I can't forgive myself. LYDIA     Could I? FROGGER     Could you what? LYDIA     Could I forgive you? FROGGER     [a bit teary] That would be a good start. MUSIC LYDIA     It is supposed that Trippetta, stationed on the roof, had been the accomplice of her friend in his fiery revenge, and that, together, they effected their escape. MUSIC THE END ...

    Atomic Julie - THE WHEEL IS DEATH - by Roger Dee

    Play Episode Listen Later Sep 8, 2022 13:31


    Another cautionary future tale.  Science - even the most basic - is forbidden.

    Atomic Julie - The Scandalized Martians by Arnold Marmor

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 31, 2022 9:59


    The first movie crew to film with real aliens?  The realism!  The tension!

    19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE TASTE OF THE BEHOLDER (parts 5-7 of 7) (Deadeye Kid #6) Reissue of the week

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 26, 2022 33:21


    While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 5 FANSHAW    Lem!  Everyone's gathering!  It looks a bit of a party. LEM    What's them Swedes a-doin? FANSHAW    They're standing by.  Like a menacing wall of blonde. LEM    [laugh, then coughs] FANSHAW    Are you quite sure you're up for this?  The doctor said you'd worn yourself nearly into a relapse. LEM    Why you think I'm a-lyin here, stead-a being out there? MRS. DOC    [behind door] You all right in there?  May I come in? LEM    [up] Yes ma'am.  SOUND    DOOR OPENS, SHE ENTERS LEM    Jest tryin t'sort out some words as might work with these fellers. MRS. DOC    That sounds wise.  You've already done wonders.  But I have a favor--? LEM    Anythin' ma'am. MRS. DOC    [hesitant] If you can, can you perhaps get them to-- uh-- LEM    Go on? MRS. DOC    To fix my window, there?  They are the ones that broke it. LEM    I already planned on jest that, ma'am.  Donchoo worry. MRS. DOC    Mr. Roberts, you are a veritable angel. LEM    Oh, no ma'am.  Just a man of plain talkin. [laughs, then coughs a bit] MRS. DOC    Get you round a bit more of this and rest you til you're good and ready to come on out.  They can just hold their hosses. FANSHAW    I'll go and see how far the "royal progress" has come.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE FANSHAW    [sigh] Still out of sight.  Come along Ezra, let us see if we can catch a glimpse of this mysterious lady. EZRA    Are they gonna fight? FANSHAW    [definite] No.  My friend Lem has maneuvered them into peace talks.  EZRA    It would be fun to watch them fight, but ain't very angelic, is it? FANSHAW    No.  Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt, now, would we?  EZRA    Is that the lady, in the cart?  With the big hat and veil? FANSHAW    I would assume so.  A bit of an affectation for the wilds, but everyone has their little vanities. EZRA    Why'ud a lady wear a veil?  Is she really ugly? FANSHAW    I don't know about this particular lady, but many ladies wear them to protect their delicate skin from the harsh sun. EZRA    Ain't much sun under all these trees. FANSHAW    And some ladies, well, they wear a veil to put men at a disadvantage.  No one is entirely comfortable talking to someone they cannot rightly see.  [pause]  I need to let Lem know what all is going on.  I'll be back shortly. SOUND    SHOUTS FANSHAW    What? EZRA    Thought you said they wasn't a-gonna fight! FANSHAW    They weren't supposed to!  Blast!  That looks like more of the Swedes, taking the cart! MRS. BEAMISH    [screams]  Tyke yer bleedin' 'ands off me, ye dodgy swine! FANSHAW    Not much of a lady.  And nothing much we can do here. EZRA    Oh, lookee!  That feller got punched right off the cart! SOUND    GRUNTS FANSHAW    I need to go and tell Lem.  Would you stay with them and see where they go? EZRA    [eager] That would help ya? FANSHAW    It would be very helpful. EZRA    I'm your man.  [distracted] Oh goodness!  That fellow slammed into the tree!  That's gotta smart something fierce!     FADE LEM    They here yet? DOC    No.  It's not so far from the camp that they shouldn't be in sight yet. FANSHAW    Lem!  Ambush! LEM    [quiet] Aw hell. DOC    What? LEM    [sigh, considering best way to say]  I think I ...heard something. DOC    [more joking than suspicious] You must have the plumb smartest ears I ever did encounter, Mr. Roberts.  The way you keep hearing things. LEM    [covering] Uh... Gotta be, livin' raw on the range.  Ya don't hear sumpin a-comin up on you, well, you deserve whatever ya get. DOC    I reckon so. LEM    And with the window broken, sound can get in more. DOC    What is it you heard? LEM    Fighting.  Or leastways a yell.  Sumpin that spoke "fight" to ma mind. DOC    You think there's still trouble? LEM    I'll lay odds that lady ain't gonna make it here any time soon. DOC    Dag nabbit. SOUND    STORMS OUT OF ROOM FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SOMEONE RUNS UP OLY    Vad är det? [What is it?] KJELL    [out of breath] Vi tog henne! [We took her!] OLY    [incredulous and angry] Du gjorde vad? [You did WHAT?] KJELL    [uncertain] Vi ... tog kvinnan tillbaka.  [We ... took the woman back.] SVEN    Bra! Nu har vi vad vi betalat för!  [Good!  Now we have what we paid for!] OLY    Du idioter! Nu blir det krig! [You idiot!  Now there will be war!]     FADE FITCH    What wasp flee up thon jacksey? [what got into them?] SCABBY BILL    'Appen t'were skrike I heered? Lads-- [That might have been a shout.  The lads--] PIKEY    Clack on't devil!  Eyup Jimmy!   [speak of the devil.]  SOUND    RUNNING FEET JAMES    [gasping and in some pain]  Eyup!  Them brutes come out't snicket, 'ave cart upskelled and auld lass gone, bahn for none can ken, afore aught'n us could raise 'and. [those fellows come out of the bushes and attacked!  Tipped the cart and took the woman before we could react!] FINCH    Good night!  Could smell t beer, sae close to settlin' t' slate, and such 'appens. [Damn!  Just when this was going to settle peacefully, this happens.] JAMES    Canna settle now!  Yon 'eads want thumpin'!  Paid in full.  [too late to make peace! I want to beat some heads!  They deserve it!] FINCH    Dustup does nae good for aught-- [a fight won't do anyone any good] PIKEY    [playing devil's advocate] Nae, lad.  Tha path's neither nowt nor summat.  Time fer muckin out.  Nae room fer them as tek such libertines - to clamber out t' shrubbery and ketch up what's nowt fer them.  [no, lad.  Your way is doing no good.  Time to clean this up.  There's no place for those who would lay in ambush.] SCABBY BILL    Tha's the pot!  Us'm tek'er first!  [You're one to talk!  We took her first] PIKEY    [making his point]  S'truth, do we chance to scutch, mayhap yan or two might fall - and then us left must delve t' more. [Of course, if we fight, if we strike a blow, some of us may die - which leaves the rest of us to work even harder at digging.] MINERS    [mutters]  "s'truth."  "Ba gum."  "It gets right up ma cuff."  "'Arsh, that."  "Toes up o'er grub?  Nae!" JAMES    Us'll clean them clocks!  [we won't lose!] PIKEY    Ne'er seen clock tha could clean. DOC    [loud, trying to get all attention] CALM DOWN! ALL GO QUIET DOC    Bother.  That's about all I got.     FADE LEM    This's how wars get lit. FANSHAW    Who is this woman anyway?  Helen of Troy? LEM    Was she on the stage or sumpin? FANSHAW    [chuckles] no, she was a king's wife who was abducted by another king and a great and glorious war was begun. LEM    Ain't no war great and glorious.  Not till everyone as been there's long dead. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    How'd they end that war? FANSHAW    [a bit embarrassed] They made a giant wooden horse. LEM    [laughs] I think mebbe you gotta tell me this story later, when we ain't about to have all hell cut loose on us.  [groans, getting up] SOUND    RUSTLING OF CLOTHES, ETC. FANSHAW    Don't--! LEM    Ain't no choice here.  Both them top fellers seem to lissen t'me.  Much as doc's a good man, he don't have the touch. SOUND    DOOR OPENS FANSHAW    Speak of the devil! DOC    Here now!  What are you doing, Mister roberts? LEM    I'm planning on facing them in full gear fer once.  DOC    You are not facing them at all... you know what's happening? LEM    I gotta right good guess.  Since the miners were a-bringing her here, I spect twas the loggers jumped em and done took her.  DOC    I think so. LEM    Hitch up the cart.  We're gonna mosey to the logging camp.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE LARS    [commanding] Du! Kock! [You!  "cook"] MRS. BEAMISH    [snide] Ain't never understood one bloomin word out ye mouf, but vat sounds rigth filthy ye cheesehead! LARS    Du kom hit för att laga mat för oss. Du är skyldig en skuld.  [you came here to cook for us.  You owe a debt.]  MRS. BEAMISH    Gah-on.  Say somfing in normal talk.  Ah dare ya. LARS    [to Kjell] Tror du att hon förstår? [Do you think she understands?] ARN    Hon låter lite arg. [She sounds a little angry.] FREDEK    Jag tror att hon låter galen. [I think she sounds insane.] NELS    Sure, it is like standing to the knees in a mire. EZRA    Why's that, Mr. Nels? NELS    You!  Can you do something? EZRA    What should I do? NELS    Get that woman over here.  The one that was calling out. EZRA    Who?  Oh!  [laughs] That's no woman!  That's Mr. Fanshaw. NELS    Well, he sounds like one to me.  Is there anything he can do?     FADE DOC    Brought the wagon round.  Come on then, lemme give you a hand. LEM    You kin carry my kit, if you would. DOC    You need support-- LEM    [definite] No.  Gettin me to the door, that's right fine, but outside, I gotta put the fear o' god in them, best I can.  And being carried round like a cripple sorta puts a bonnet on that. DOC    I'll be right behind you, then.  Just in case. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS MRS. DOC    [slightly defiant] I, on the other hand, could use all the support you care to give. DOC    Irene? MRS. DOC     Not from you, dear.  Mr. Roberts, if you might give me your arm, sir? DOC    Irene! MRS. DOC    I've already got my hat on, husband.  We might as well get moving. DOC    What exactly do you think you are doing, woman? MRS. DOC    [super sweet] Why, I'm accompanying my beloved husband and his patient on a little wagon ride. LEM    [tries not to laugh] DOC    I forbid it! MRS. DOC    [sweetly]  Oh, of course, dear!  If you prefer, I can wait here at home, the home these silly men have already broken into - from both sides, I might add.  Wait until someone decides that the easiest way to get this to end is perhaps to take me hostage, or threaten-- DOC    [losing steam] Oh hush!!  LEM    The lady has a point, doc.  Seein as I still think we gotta a fair chance of stoppin this without none getting hurt, it'ud likely be safer, ma'am, if you were to stay by us. MRS. DOC    Good.  Now take my arm, Mr. Roberts, for goodness sake!  You're swaying like a sapling.     FADE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  [laughs]  Nels says you sound like a lady. FANSHAW    It is just my accent.  The way I talk.  EZRA    You do talk funny. FANSHAW    Can you go and ask Nels if his men understand a white flag of truce? EZRA    What is that? FANSHAW    When men - or even armies - want to talk rather than fight, they will come bearing a white flag. EZRA    Where do they get a white flag? FANSHAW    They just make one.  Please.  It is important that we know.     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE SOUND    SCUFFLE MINERS    [Arguing]  "More brass'n brains"  "near as makes n'matter" " that's a threp in't steans"  "caffelin' t' 'oil works, am I." SWEDES    [arguing] SOUND    FOOTSTEPS LEM    [sigh]  Shut up! SOUND    STILL FIGHTING LEM     Pardon me ma'am.  Step aside if you please. SOUND    HER STEPS SOUND    GUNSHOT ALL    [go quiet] SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 6 1_MOVING OUT LEM    You miners.  You... uh... manskers.  Um.  [slowly, with gestures]  We go in cart to your-- OLY    Mig? LEM    Yes, your camp.  You lead us.  SCABBY BILL    [slightly out of breath] Right.  Nowt wait aught mair.  Us'm goin - wi'thee, or nowt. LEM    We's all a-goin.  [to Mrs. Doc] You get on up in the wagon now, ma'am. MRS. DOC    [a bit shaky]  All right.  DOC    [quiet]  Doesn't look like anyone is hurt too bad. LEM    They's all still on their feet. OLY    [slowly, trying to be understood]  detta var inte min idé.  Inte jag.  Jag kommer att tala strängt till dem. [this was not my idea.  Not me.  I will speak sternly to them.] LEM    You lead.  [turns to Scabby Bill]  You follow.  Reckon? SCABBY BILL    Reckon.  FADE 2_GRADY1 SOUND    SOMEONE RUNNING IN PANIC GRADY    [gasping muttered mantra]  Don't slow down, don't slow down.  A log!  Oh sweet Jesus! SOUND    THUMP, SCRAMBLE, SLOW MOVEMENT SOUND    BEHIND HIM, MEN MAN1    Keep heading downhill! MAN2    Brush too thick over there!  This way! GRADY    [barely there prayer] Pity me!  [couple of deep breaths] [sound of exertion] SOUND    RUNNING AGAIN FADE 3_AGREEING SOUND    CART PLODDING DOC    [quietly] That was a foolhardy thing you done back there, Irene.  MRS. DOC    I cannot disagree. DOC    You should never've - what? MRS. DOC     [sweet] I was merely agreeing with you, husband. LEM    [quiet chuckle] DOC    [trying to stay annoyed] But-but you-- [loses it, laughs]  My mother always said you would be a handful. MRS. DOC    I believe mine said something very similar. DOC    About me? MRS. DOC    [laughing] No, about me. LEM    If I was a man to interfere, I might say you're a lucky feller. DOC    I cannot disagree. LEM    Lucky the lady is on your side, if you don't mind me saying so, ma'am. ALL    [laugh]     FADE 4_LOGGING CAMP FREDEK    Många män kommer! [Many men are coming!] LARS    Vi kommer inte ge upp! [We will not surrender!] FREDEK    Detta är inte något att dö för! [This is not something to die for!] ARN    Jag skulle hellre dö än att äta en annan måltid tillagad av dig. [I would rather die than eat another meal cooked by you.] LARS    Jag ser Oly. [I see Oly.] ARN    Han ser arg. [He looks angry.] FREDEK    De måste ha vapen. [They must have guns.] NELS    Nothing worse than to have to sit and listen to them babble. OLY    [off, yelling] Alla ni! Stå vid sidan! [All of you!  Stand aside!] NELS    And cannot do anything when Oly tells them to calm down. LARS    [yelling] Är de hotar dig? [Are they threatening you?] OLY    [off, yelling, pissed off] Du är en idiot! Vi var överens. Då har du stört! Du står åt sidan! [You are an idiot!  We were in accord.  Then you interfered!  You stand aside!] FADE 5_CHUCKIE JAMES    Tha gormless bastard!  Guns or nowt, us could take 'em! [Idiot.  Even with the guns, we could win.] PIKEY    And 'oo ist 'aveta send tha mam word o thy beefing.  Appen I should say 'er son died of 'is own barm, or sweeten tha death wi' claims thee lost fight to a chuckie. [And I will have to write to your mother.  What would you like me to tell her, that you died of being stupid, or that you lost a fight to a chicken?] TED    [sigh]  And us start sommat, it'll nae stop 'ere.  [If we do start something, the fighting will not end here.] FITCH    I dinna feel fer the fight.  Yon stormcloud, 'im seems a fair measure.  [I don't feel like fighting.  That fellow - he seems fair.] PIKEY    Cud gang fer a slurp missen.  [This would be a good time for a drink.] FADE 6_GRADY2 SOUND    RUNNING MAN1 and MAN2    [closer than before] [yelling "Just over that ridge!"  "Get him!" "Yeller bastard!"] GRADY    [gasping and ragged]  Good god above, [gasp] please, [gasp] send me into a river.  Anything.  [gasp] Just to get me [gasp] get me away... FADE 7_CART SOUND    HORSES.  CART NOT MOVING. DOC    [whispered]  Irene, I prefer strongly that you remain in the cart.  MRS. DOC    As always, I defer to your wisdom, dear husband. DOC    [rueful laugh] Hah.  Good. SOUND    HE CLIMBS DOWN MRS. DOC    I'll also keep a close eye on the shotgun. DOC    The what? LEM    I'll leave my satchel here as well, if you please, ma'am. MRS. DOC    Happy to be useful.  [like speaking to kids] You two go on now and make peace. FADE 8_OLY KOMMER FREDEK    Oly! De kommer! [Oly!  They are coming!] OLY    Var inte dum. De är redan här. [Do not be stupid.  They are already here.] FREDEK    Fler män! Bakom åsen! [More men!  Behind the ridge!] NELS    Sure I do not think those fellows are of these men.  EZRA    More fighting? FANSHAW    And this must be Nels. NELS    And you must be from England. FANSHAW    Why, yes.  Though I do not sound much like my "countrymen" down there. NELS    Nay.  You sound like most Britishers. FANSHAW    I suppose I do. NELS    Just like a woman. FANSHAW    I do not! EZRA    You do a bit. FANSHAW    [grinding out, trying to change the subject] You said something about more men? NELS    Sure, over the ridge.  Quite a ways off.  I can barely get close enough to see, but they are traveling fast, for men on foot. FANSHAW    We'll have to keep an eye out for them, though I am quite certain that all the men I've seen - on either side - are here. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw? NELS    All of my men are here.  Even those with a head full of porridge. FANSHAW    That's a blessing anyway. EZRA    Mister Fanshaw! FANSHAW    I am so sorry, Ezra.  I was lost in thought.  EZRA    You want I should go and look at the men a-coming? FANSHAW    They sound like they're rather far off. EZRA    I can go real far off. FANSHAW    [interested] Really.  Very well.  You'll go and see how many there are? EZRA    I'll find out everything for ya. FANSHAW    I wonder just how far "real far" is. FADE 9_teh dam SOUND    CROWD RUMBLE, BUT NO TALKING SOUND    LEM'S SLOW FOOTSTEPS LEM    Um, [to Oly] Dam? OLY    Ta kvinnan här! [Bring the woman out here!] LARS    [grumbling] Vi var bara försökte hjälpa [We were only trying to help] OLY    Go! [Go!] NELS    If they wanted to help so bad, sure, why did they never make the time for to learn some words? FANSHAW    Always much easier to see mistakes when it is too late. NELS    Ya. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, LARS AND MRS. BEAMISH COME OUT FANSHAW    This?  This is the woman all the trouble has been over?  She's ...hardly what I expected. LEM    Ma'am.  They's been quite a ruckus over you. BEAMISH    Oh, Luvly.  Anuvver what don't speak the Queen's English. LEM    I guess I speak American, then.  But I hazard you understand me fine. BEAMISH    [begrudging] I kin mike yer out. LEM    That's good.  Now these fellers, they have some claim to you? NELS    Sure, she owes us five years service. BEAMISH    [grudgingly admitting] Aye... They do. LEM    Five years.  Legal. BEAMISH    [annoyed sigh] Aye. DOC    [whispered] How'd you get that? LEM    [whispered] Guessed.  Standard indenture. DOC    Ah! BEAMISH    [whining a bit] But I can't unnerstand a bleeding word outtav'em! FANSHAW    I say, Nels, you paid for that?  Under all that veiling, she sounds rather... old. NELS    What do you expect in a cook?  Sure we don't have to look at her while we eat. FANSHAW    A cook!  Good gad! LEM    But you had no trouble doing the work they put you to? BEAMISH    Good plain cooking.  Even such as they musta liked it, for I dessay they never let a plate go cold. DOC    Cooking?  They're willing to fight over a cook? LEM    I reckon with a wife like your good missus, you've never had to eat day-old burnt scratch.  DOC    Well... MRS. DOC    [calling from off, excited] Husband? LEM    Go on. DOC    [walking off] Yes, dear? FADE 10_grady hides SOUND    MEN SLOWLY SEARCHING SOUND    BREATHING, IN A TIGHT SPACE GRADY    [trying to quiet his breathing] EZRA    That's a lot of men to send out fer one fella.  You must be a bad man. GRADY    [whispered]  Someone up there, please help me! MAN1    I think I heard something! FADE 11_shares LEM    [whispered, to fanshaw]  Ask Nels the word for "share". FANSHAW    You're thinking to split the baby again. LEM    Amazing how many problems boil down to something that simple. DOC    Lem?  We - my wife and I - might have a congenial answer for all this fuss. LEM    Do tell. DOC    Well, Mrs. - uh - Beamish, is it? BEAMISH    Beamish.  Aye. DOC    My good lady wife suggested I extend an invitation for you to stay with us. BEAMISH    Where's 'at, then? DOC    Our house.  It's rather in the middle of all this.  BEAMISH    Won't say no to sleepin in proper 'ouse.  Not them shanties. DOC    [a bit slowly, trying to make it understandable to all]  You stay our house-- SOUND    [rumble of muttering on both sides] DOC    Cook.  Cook a lot. BEAMISH      I dearly 'ope you're tryin'a talk t'them, cos I ain't that bleeding thick. DOC    They are the ones who need to agree. BEAMISH    Go'ahn then. DOC    [to miners] You come. Eat. [to loggers] You.  Eat. LEM    [quiet] Eat?  Nels? NELS    [Eat] ata LEM    Thankee.  [up, to doc] "ata" DOC    Oh?  All right.  You.  Come to house.  "ata". LARS    [annoyed] Jag tror att han säger att hon ska laga för honom. [I think he is saying she will cook for him.] NELS    Sure, they do not want to give her over to the doctor either.  He has a wife to cook for him. OLY    Nej, säger han vi äter, också.  Tror jag. [No, he says we eat, also.  I think.] FANSHAW    No, no.  He's trying to say that the woman will be in the middle, and both sides can come and eat in peace.  No more fighting. NELS    Tell them ["You eat too"]  du äter för. FANSHAW    Lem?  Did you-- LEM    Doo ah-ter fore. OLY    Ya.  Mycket bra. [Yes. very good] LEM    And you all? PIKEY    Nae more tae eat bab out Bill?  [snort] I don't gi' a chuff where's hersen rest.  [No more eating the shit Bill cooks?  I don't care where she stays.] TED    'Appen 'at's a relief! [That's for sure!] JAMES    Eh, by gum. SCABBY BILL    Ere, now! PIKEY    Tha noz thee's no' called Scabby fer Nowt.  [You know they don't call you scabby for nothing.] LEM    Good.  DOC    Nice to know that people can be peaceable, even-- SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    Damn! ALL    [reactions!  Gasps, expletives] "Hellfire!" "Wha's't faff?" "flipping 'eck!" EZRA    Mister Fanshaw?  I think they's heading this way.     Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 7 MUSIC SCENE 1.    AMB    OUTSIDE LEM    [urgent, but even voice] Doc, I fancy it's time you take the ladies back to that fine house of your'n. DOC    But I can help-- LEM    [more forceful] BY taking THEM to safety.  If we's needin you atall, it's like to be after the battle.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT MRS. DOC    [off, a bit worried] Husband? LEM    Mrs. Beamish, you go on now with these good folk.  We got some rough work ahead of us. MRS. BEAMISH    Ain't never been one to run, but finking feedin th'lads come vict'ry's more my place. SOUND    SHE WALKS TO WAGON DOC    [quiet, but knowing it will do no good] You should come with us. LEM    And hosses should lay eggs. [chuckles]  I'll stay still as I can.  But I'm the king pin yokin these fellers one side t'other.  Go on now.  [up] Ma'am, if you could hand me down my sack?  I might find myself in need of a few more shells. MRS. DOC    Here you go.  [very concerned] You make sure and look after yourself, you hear?  My husband put a lot of work into you. DOC    [amused but still worried]  You heard her - and you know how ornery she can be. LEM    I reckon I do. DOC     [confidential] You fire three shots in the air, all at once, and I'll be back lickety-split with the shotgun. LEM    Preciate it. SOUND    DOC WALKS OFF SCENE 2.    LEM    [slight groan]  Quickly - You, Bill.  You, Oly. SCABBY BILL    Right. OLY    Ja? SOUND    SCRATCHING IN THE DIRT LEM    [talking while drawing terrain and pointing at things]  Sun.  There.  Hill. There.  Ja? OLY    Ja.  Bäck. Ge. [stream.  Give.] LEM    Take it. SOUND    MORE SCRATCHING SCABBY BILL    Thass river? OLY    Bäck. [stream] LEM    Close enough I think.  Bill, can y'all circle round here, over to the left, with yer fellas, and come up alongside?  They got guns and you don't, so I suggest comin on 'em from hidin. SCABBY BILL    Us'm? LEM    Course, it ain't yer fight, but-- SCABBY BILL    Nay problem, lad.  Lads're pantin' fer a good donnybrook.  [shrug] Canna beat on't Swedes, them ticks'll haveta play the Judy. LEM    All righty then, sounds like yer all in.  Go on.  Get ye some stout branches and knock em down, but try not t'kill em.  SCABBY BILL    Why them tea party manners? LEM    In case they ain't the villians here. SCABBY BILL    Ah.  Right.  We're bahn. SOUND    WALKS OFF SCABBY BILL    [off, calling] Ayup lads!  There'll be cracked pates afore sundown, I'll be bahn! LEM    Now for the tricky one. OLY    Du vill att vi ska åka på detta sätt. Runt den andra sidan. Och angrepp från bakhåll? [You want us to go this way.  Around the other side.  And attack from ambush?] NELS    He says do you want our men to go around the other way and attack from ambush as well? LEM    [startled laugh]  Oly, old son, we'll get you tricked up with English talkin yet. OLY    vad är det?  [What is that?] LEM    Later. After dust settles. NELS    Tell him "senare" [Later] LEM    Senare OLY    Ja.  Bakhåll?  Ja?  [Ambush] NELS    [translating] Attack from behind. LEM    Ya.  Go on. OLY    [going off] komma mäniskor! Dags att slå några huvuden! [come on men!  Time to beat some heads!] LEM    [heavy sigh, slight groan] FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [quiet]  I'm alright.  I'm alright.  Just tuckered out.  Ain't nothin better for fellers like these, but to fight together 'gainst some other varmints.  Think this will end it once and fer all. FANSHAW    I certainly hope so.  LONG MUSIC SCENE 3.    AMB    NIGHT, CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    [clearly storytelling] Vi reste snabbt och tyst. Då vi hörde dem. Arn gömde sig bakom ett träd. Lars var under en fallen stock. [We traveled fast and quiet.  Then we heard them.  Arn hid behind a tree.  Lars was beneath a fallen log.] ARN    Hah!  Bra att vara kort, eh, Lars? [Hah!  Good to be short, eh, Lars?] LARS    Bah! SWEDES     [general laughter] OLY    Vi ser tre kommer! En lång en i en hatt och två andra.  Gräslig. Cruel söker. De rör sig långsamt, letar efter något-- [We see three coming!  A tall one in a hat and two others.  Ugly.  Cruel looking.  They move slowly, looking for something--] MUSIC WIPE ACROSS THE SOUNDSCAPE SCENE 4.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SCABBY BILL    Nowt but three up't front, but us cud 'ear more clamberin in't lee.  PIKEY    [bragging]  Like scratch hisself in't garden, I were oop on deadfall like bird in't nest.  Thass nowt ne surer as none'll raise them eyen. [I'd crawled like snake up along a fallen trunk, like a bird in a nest.  And no one ever looks up] SCABBY BILL    Aye, lad.  Ain't soul in t' world cud suss windy sot might drop out of clear blue ont' im's pate. [I'll give you that.  No one expects a flatulant drunk to fall out of the sky on his head.] MINERS    [general laughter] PIKEY    [correcting him haughtily] Nay, nay.  Windy sot wieldin' t' grandest thump 'im ever see'd. [A flatulant drunk with a great big stick, I remind you!] MINERS    [more laughter] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 5.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    Att en - med skriande skratt - var upp i ett träd. Jag fruktade för dig som han tappade på toppen av. [That one - with the braying laugh - was up a tree.  I feared for anyone he dropped atop of.] ARN    Åtminstone var det inte oss! [At least it wasn't us!] SWEDES    [general laughter] OLY    Han vinkade till mig. Då pekade förbi männen. Sedan lyfte han två händer fingrar. Många män skulle komma! [He waved to me.  Then pointed past the men.  Then he raised two hands of fingers.  Many men were coming!] FANSHAW    It sounds like a fascinating story.  I wish I could understand a word of it. NELS    He was saying that the noisy fellow-- FANSHAW    Aren't they all rather noisy? NELS    [laughs]  THAT one - got above.  High up.  Counted the men coming behind.  Showed him fingers for the count. FANSHAW    Accord without a single word.  Lovely. MUSIC WIPE SCENE 6.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT FITCH    Beyond tha' ken, Bill, our Pikey gives the wrist to yon tall tallow hair. [girlish noise] Ooooh!  Tis in ma mind him's a sight too long wi'out a damp scuffle. [But what YOU didn't see, Bill, was Pikey making obscene hand gestures across to the tall blonde fellow.  I think he's been alone too long.] SOUND    SLIGHT SCUFFLE - FRIENDLY SMACK PIKEY    Dinna fash.  Tha'd be first choice, fitchy m'lad.  Smack afore yows and kine.  Past that, mayhaps Swede.  Blondes ain't nivver turned ma top. [kiss kiss noise]  [You'd be my first choice, Fitch, right before ewes and cows.  I have never been fond of blondes.]  FITCH    [teasing] Ooh-ah.  Get a good scrub on thee aught often, afore thee clack.   [Bathe.  Then we'll talk.] MINERS    [general laughter] SCABBY BILL    Right.  'oo's keeping a tally?  [jokingly making a list] Needed f'r camp - butter, shot, tobacy, loose females. [Right.  Someone make a list of things we need for the camp.  Start with some loose women.] MINERS    [hysterical laughter] MUSIC SCENE 7.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON LEFT OLY    De var fortfarande ute. Kanske för en person. Kanske för ett djur. Något som kunde dölja sig. Vi sprider vidare bakom dem, lugn och vaksam. [They were still looking.  Maybe for a person.  Maybe for an animal.  Something that could hide itself.  We spread further behind them, quiet and watchful.] LARS    Jag var längst.  När den sista passerade, jag slog ner honom snabbt.  [hit noise] [I was furthest.  When the last passed by, I hit him down quickly.] SWEDES    [approving mumble] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 8.    AMB    CAMPFIRE ON RIGHT SOUND    WAGON SLOWLY MOVING IN FROM A DISTANCE PIKEY    Afore mine eyen, them axes circle up the jacksey, and I knew us'd ne'er let it be said us'd come up short in t' tally! [I saw them blonde fellers moving behind.  I knew we'd never want to lag behind.] SCABBY BILL    No.  So... Pikey made t' shrill-- SOUND    SHARP WHISTLE SCABBY BILL    [reacts in pain] NOWT up ma lug!  [angry sigh] Wi' a cry t' lads pounced! [Not in my ear!  And we attacked] FITCH    Like yoked set of dannys, us come right side, cack side!  And them'us jiggered like clemmy shale.  [Like a pair of hands, we came from right and left.  They broke like lose rock.] MUSIC WIPE SCENE 9.    AMB    LEFT CAMPFIRE OLY    Var och en föll. Slås ner av våra modiga händer. Eller våra vänner händer. [Every one fell.  Struck down by our brave hands.  Or our friends' hands.  [raising his voice]] ALL GOOD! SCABBY BILL    [off] I hears that!  [yelling back] Ayup lads?  ALL GOOD! SWEDES and MINERS [not very much in unison- just loud] ALL GOOD! DOC    [off] Ho there!  Sounds like it's safe to approach? MUSIC SCENE 10.    AMB    INSIDE SOUND    [OUTSIDE] THE MEN YELLING AND LAUGHING FANSHAW    Lem? LEM    [rousing from half sleep]  Yup?  Sounds like peace at last. FANSHAW    And the doctor just arrived.  [chuckles] With a kettle of something hearty, and some lovely- LEM    Biscuits?  [chuckles] FANSHAW    [chuckles too]  He'll be in here in a moment, I'm sure.  [beat]  The men - both factions - were rather impressive.  Possibly less impressive than the tales they're telling at the moment, but they did very well. LEM    Who was it they's up against? FANSHAW    Looks like outlaws.  Chasing a fugitive. LEM    And the feller they'us after? FANSHAW    [sigh]  He was already ... done for.  Gone. LEM    [sigh]  The Doc's spare room is looking like heaven just about now. DOC    [outside]  Mister Roberts? LEM    [a bit weaker] In here! LONG MUSIC SCENE 11.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE DOC    I will not hear of you leaving that bed for at least a week, Mister Roberts.  MRS. DOC    [from off]  Don't you get it into your head that you'll be able to sweet-talk your way past me neither. LEM    I got no plans to budge aught farther than the broth and biscuits require to reach my mouth. DOC    Good. MUSIC SCENE 12.    AMB    DOC'S HOUSE LEM    Alone? FANSHAW    They're all in the kitchen, yes.  From the smells, that Beamish woman is very nearly as accomplished in the kitchen as our lady hostess, despite her lack of - ahem - refinement.  They have set the men to building a sort of cookhouse.  Just an annex big enough for her to serve out of.  The doctor's wife objected, you see, to having all these men troop through the house at mealtimes. LEM    Cain't say that I blame her.  Catch me up a bit? FANSHAW    They say the way to man's heart is through his stomach - and we now have clear evidence this works for groups of men as well as it works on individuals.  They've all become the best of chums.  And those Swedish follows are learning English, bit by bit. LEM    One more victory for-- FANSHAW    Civilization? LEM    [down]  I was gonna say salvation.  Had a might too much time to ponder my past while I been laid up here. FANSHAW    I shan't pry, but you know I will gladly listen to anything you feel the need to unburden yourself of. LEM    Thankee kindly, but my burden is my own. FANSHAW    Well.  When you are up to visting, We should make a trip to speak to the fellow who was being chased by the outlaws. LEM    Where ARE they, anyway? FANSHAW    Several of the men took them down a flatboat on the river to the next landing.  Haven't made the return yet - I gather it takes a few days. LEM    Mm.  Good. FANSHAW    But, you see... this fellow was ...killed a bit further out than I can reach.  It's very frustrating.  Ezra, though... LEM    Oh, yup - this Ezra you been talking about?  How come I ain't seen him, never? FANSHAW    I don't know.  He's a child.  A spirit.  Who prefers to think of himself an angel.  I rather think he's been here quite a long time.  And Lem... LEM    Yup? FANSHAW    I-I feel quite dreadful about this, but - you understand, I have been endeavoring to find some way to help him pass on.  But there's this--- LEM    Spit it out and let's see what color it is. FANSHAW    Ezra can go just about anywhere within the entire valley.  That is rather a long distance.  He seems to have very few of the limitations that I find myself so hampered by.  I don't understand it one bit, and I have this - notion - to try and figure out why.  Before I help him find his way onward. LEM    Guess it's a good thing I'm laid up, then, ain't it?    

    A note from Julie - stay hydrated!

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 23, 2022 3:09


    just pointing out I'm still alive.   also don't forget to check out my other twitter feed @MyLadysWardrobe, where i post a new old photo every day.

    19 Nocturne Boulevard - THE TASTE OF THE BEHOLDER (parts 1-4 of 7) (Deadeye Kid #6) Reissue of the week

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 17, 2022 39:16


    While recovering from his injuries, Lemuel Roberts (The Deadeye Kid) must try and make peace between two local factions - a group of Swedish loggers (please overlook our sincere attempt at translation) and a team of Yorkshire miners - neither of which speaks any English that Lem can understand... Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid - J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw - J. Hoverson Doc - Russell Gold Mrs. Doc - Gwendolyn Gieseke-Woodard Ezra - Reynaud LeBoeuf Mrs. Beamish - Judith Moore The Yorkshire Miners: Scabby Bill:  John Lingard Will Watt Stevie K. Farnaby Danar Hoverson Paul Green The Swedish Loggers: Oly - Lothar Tuppan Nels - Danar Hoverson Mark Olson Cary Ayers Bill Jones Reynaud Leboeuf Julie Hoverson Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **********************************************************************   Taste of the Beholder [DeK6] EPISODE 1 (from end of previous story) SOUND FADES IN AND OUT [Lem has been shot] COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    [to Lem] Bite down on this.  [slightly off, urgent, but not loud] He's lost a lot of blood! FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT MRS. DOC    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  [groan]  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Cain't leave you to do everythin.   Scotty? FANSHAW    When they returned with his body, I saw no sign of him. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    I sincerely hope so.  [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got sumpin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    [shock] So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? SOUND    GUNSHOTS, DISTANT LEM    [straining to get up] Oh hell.  Where's my britches? FANSHAW    Before you do yourself some harm trying to get up, I'll gather up my shame and go have a look. LEM    [lies back with a groan] SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    ANOTHER GUNSHOT SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Oh!  You are awake.  I thought I heard your voice! LEM    I was just thinking out loud, ma'am - uh - you don't seem real worried?  About the gunshots? MRS. DOC    [unconcerned] Oh, that.  My husband just had to run off a couple of unwanted patients. LEM    [baffled] Ma'am? MRS. DOC    Oh, my stars!  You won't even remember!  You were shot, and back in town, you were throwing five fits and comin all over feverish, so Mister Brand, that's my husband - [pride] Doctor Brand, that is - he brought you out here with us. LEM    Out... here? MRS. DOC    Doctor Brand is the only medical man for three counties!  Leastways, the only one that doctors people.  So we get around time to time, and much as he didn't want to move you, he also didn't want to leave you in anyone else's care, poorly as you were.  So we brought you along, and the move seems to have done you right good.  You slept peaceful ever since we got here. LEM    Ah.  You help me to remember to thank him for his concern, would you, ma'am? MRS. DOC    [beaming] I'm sure he'll be pleased enough to hear that you're able to thank him. LEM    And the gunshots--? MRS. DOC    [rueful] Well, you see, the local fellows are having an ..."altercation", and Doctor Brand has refused to aid either side, even if they're near dying, until they patch it up. LEM    Altercation? MRS. DOC    I'm sure he'll tell you about that himself.  You don't need any such concern right now.  What you do need is a good solid cup of broth, and I'll be back in two shakes of a lamb's tail. LEM    You're too kind. SOUND    SHE BUSTLES OUT, DOOR SHUTS LEM    [sigh]  Yeah? FANSAW    The good lady is correct.  You really don't need this concern right now. LEM    [annoyed] It'll fret me more knowin there's sumpin to be concerned about and not bein told what it tis. FANSAW    [slight chuckle] It will, won't it?  Very well, but you lie back down while I regale you.  LEM    [grunt, pause] Right, then.  Go on with the regalin'. FANSAW    Two men had a third, bleeding from a head wound, but ambulatory - um, up and walking.  They were yelling at the doctor, but I couldn't make out anything.  They didn't seem to be speaking-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS MRS. DOC    Here you go.  Been reducing for three days - that'll put some strength back into you. LEM    Smells right fine.  But that's an awful small cup, ma'am, if you don't mind me sayin, for a pow'rful hunger like I got. MRS. DOC    [tsks] First we see if you can keep it down, Mister... [uncertain] oh.... LEM    Roberts. MRS. DOC    Roberts. Of course. I'm such a scatterbrain. LEM    Cain't take offense til we're properly introduced, nohow, ma'am.  MRS. DOC    You're too kind.  DOC    [calling, off] Irene?  Missus? MRS. DOC    Ah, looks like the doctor's got everything handled.  FANSHAW    The gunshots were all on the doctor's side, I might add. MRS. DOC    [up, sweetly] I'm in the back bedroom!  [back to Lem] Now you sip a bit, if it's not yet too hot. LEM    [sips] Mm.  A mite.  But I can use some warming. SOUND    FOOTSTEPS COME IN DOC    Ah!  Well, this is just the sort of good news I needed.  [to wife] I've been having more trouble with those fellows. MRS. DOC    They don't mean no harm! DOC    To us, no.  To each other, though...! LEM    What's this trouble yer havin', doc? DOC    Nothing you need worry on.  Not yet, leastways. LEM    But I can-- DOC    Tomorrow.  If you're still improving, I'll tell you everything over breakfast.  For now, you need yer rest. LEM    Can we speak, man to man, sir? MRS. DOC    Goodness, I think I'd best go and check on the biscuits. DOC    You do that. SOUND    SHE LEAVES, DOOR SHUTS DOC    She does make some fair biscuits.  [teasing] And she doesn't listen in. FANSHAW    Should I leave? LEM    No.  [smooth] I reckon a doctor's wife should oughtta be used to checking on her biscuits. DOC    [laughs]  You seem to be doing pretty well, for a man shot and come through fever.  That's excellent.  You keep on with that broth, though.  Ain't out of the woods jest yet. LEM    It's the fever I wanna ask about.  Your good wife let slip that I was a mite... FANSHAW    Garralous? LEM    hmph.  ...rambly? DOC    You kept going on about hearing folks talking to you, even in an empty room.  LEM    "Folks."  Ah. DOC    Funny thing is, you even named them from time to time, and I swear not a one of them was someone who coulda been there. LEM    [careful] Whyzzat? DOC    The one or two I recognized your naming of - well, they're ... "passed on". LEM    I - I musta heard the names somewhere. DOC    Can I speak frankly with you, sir?  And you let me know if this is the least bit upsetting to your digestion, you hear? LEM    Ayup. DOC    Well, then.  I'm purt near sure I know why you were calling out to dead folks. LEM    You...do? DOC    Seen it before - more'n once, even. FANSHAW    Really? DOC    You ain't alone, son.  LEM    [unsure] I'm... not? DOC    Many's the fellow standing at death's door - and you were right close there for a while - that hears spirits try and call him through. LEM    Ahhh. FANSHAW    Really, they were being rather annoying. LEM    [slight snort] Did I ... say anything that might be important? DOC    I didn't hear, but I can ask my wife.  She sat in the wagon with you when we made the trip - she told you we'd moved you? LEM    She mentioned that you didn't feel right leaving me behind. DOC    The trip seems to have done you good, too.  Fever broke while we were on route.  Quieted you right down. FANSHAW    And there are less spirits here than in town.  At least not around the house.  None to harass you. LEM    And where are we now, then? DOC    I should really call a halt to all this inquiry, and let you sleep. LEM    I promise I won't ask one more thing, if'n you'll kindly tell me where I am. DOC    We're ten miles and a county line away from where we were.  Near the town of Silt Creek.  LEM    Miners? DOC    [smiling] Now now, you promised no more questions.  Can you finish the last of that? LEM    [slurps the broth down] DOC    Good.  If you're still awake in an hour, I'll see that you get some more.  But do try and sleep. SOUND    LEAVES THE ROOM FANSHAW    They seem a nice couple. LEM    Tell me more about what was going on out there. FANSHAW    Lem, You're hardly in any condition-- LEM    I'm gonna be gettin enough coddlin from the likes of them.  Stop actin like an old woman and-- FANSHAW    Very well.  When I went out there, the three men were standing on the road leading up to the house.  The doctor had a shotgun aimed at them.  They were saying something, but I couldn't make it out-- LEM    Were they strapped? FANSHAW    I saw no guns, but they-- SOUND    TAP, SCRATCH AT THE WINDOW FANSHAW    I'll see.  [pause] I'm not certain, but I think it's one of them! LEM    [hushed] How many out there? FANSHAW    Two.  They're trying to get the window open! SOUND    CREAK, RUSTLE OF BEDCLOTHES LEM    [groan as he gets up] Where the devil are my guns? END   EPISODE 2 SOUND    FABRIC BEING SHOVED AROUND LEM    [quiet] Dammit! FANSHAW    Lem, they are trying to leever open the window.  If there ever was a time to call for the doctor and his shotgun, this would be it! LEM    I don't-- SOUND    CREAK, CRACK OF WOOD LEM    Ah hell.  [up] Doc!  Bring your gun!  Doc? SOUND    SOMETHING HEAVY DROPS OUTSIDE SOUND    GLASS BREAKS OLY    [You got it?] [du fick den?] SVEN    [I got it.  Quick, get inside!]  [Jag har det. Snabbt, gå in.] LEM    What the hell kinda talk is that? FANSHAW    Something Nordic, perhaps?  I am hardly an expert! LEM    And where's the Doc? FANSHAW    That I can check on. SOUND    THUMP AS MAN CLAMBERS INTO THE ROOM LEM    Stop right there! OLY    [keep quiet and do not move!] [hålla tyst och inte röra mig!] SVEN    [outside] [is everything all right?] [Är allt okej?] OLY    [Someone is in here.  I can handle it.] [Någon här inne. Jag kan hantera det.] MRS. DOC    [off - scream, more surprise than fear/pain] LEM    Dammit!  Where's my blasted guns? OLY    [Hold your tongue!] [håll din tunga] SOUND    FANSHAW COMES IN FANSHAW     [agitated] Lem, they have broken in from the front as well, and are holding the lady.  The Doctor has given up his weapon. OLY    [barks orders to those outside] [go around front.  Leave Borr and Fredek to watch.] [går runt framsidan. Lämna Borr och Fredek att titta på.] LEM    [side of mouth]  What they threatenin' to do? FANSHAW    I don't know... but I don't think they do either. OLY    [shut up!]  [Håll käften!] FANSHAW    He's gesturing for you to remain quiet.  If necessary, it's one rap for yes, two for no, agreed? SOUND    ONE QUIET RAP SVEN    [outside, question]  [you want the axe?]  [Vill du ha yxan?] OLY    [annoyed] [go around and come in through the front!] [gå runt och komma in genom fronten!] FANSHAW    I say Lem, I should like to go back and make sure there's no-- SOUND    ONE RAP FANSHAW    Right, then. SOUND    FANSHAW EXITS OLY    [Get up now and come with me] [Stig upp nu, och kom med mig.] LEM    [slowly] I don't understand. OLY    [slowly] [YOU get up and come with me] [Du får upp och komma med mig] LEM    Come with?  I been shot.  Weak.  Cain't walk. OLY    [shouting] [Get up!] [Upp med dig!] LEM    [muttered, resigned] All right then. SOUND    BEDCLOTHES RUSTLE, SLOW FOOTSTEP, COLLAPSE TO THE FLOOR LEM    [moans] Dammit. FADE MRS. DOC    [weeping] DOC    Let me go to my wife! BJORN    [angry words]  [just stay right there.  No fast moves!] [Stanna där. Inga snabba rörelser!] DOC    [trying to be calm, but speaking from across the room] Lydia, be brave.  We'll get this all sorted out. BJORN    [warning noise] FANSHAW    At least there's nothing unseemly going on.  That would simply be too much.  If only Lem had his guns.  There's no more that six of them, large as they are.  And not one seems to have a firearm. OLY    [Someone come and carry this fool.]  [Någon kom och bära denna idiot.] AKE    [question] [Should I go?] [Ska jag gå?] BJORN    [go!] [Go!] SOUND    ARNOT RUNS OFF DOWN THE HALL. BJORN    [barks orders] [tie them up!]  [Binned upp dem!] SOUND    CHAIRS PULLED OVER, CREAK OF ROPES MRS. DOC    [gaspy shriek] DOC    There ain't no call for this!  How dare you lay hands on a lady! BJORN    Shh! FANSHAW    Well.  That anyone can understand. FADE LEM    [muttered]  I never thought Swedes were this ornery.  Only ones I ever met were right peaceable. FANSHAW    I think it's - well, it isn't "all right", but I do think they're only doing this to get help. LEM    eh? FANSHAW    The loudest one out front was shoving the doctor at a wounded man. SOUND    AKE WALKS IN OLY    [help me move him] [Hjälp mig att flytta honom!] OLY and AKE    [Grunts as they move Lem] LEM    [sharp hiss, trying not to cry out from pain] Fanshaw    Be prepared.  They have the doctor's lady tied to a chair, to enforce his aid. Lem    Damn. AKE    [laughs] [he knows one word!] [Han vet ett ord!] OLY    [shush] [tyst] FADE Doc    [speaking looud and slow] stitches.  He needs stitches.  I will have to sew that gash on his head. SWEDES    [muttering] Doc    [normal speed] untie my hands and I'll show you, you blasted idjets! Mrs. Doc    [calmer, but a little hoarse from cying] Too bad we lost Nels last month. SVEN    Nels?   Doc    If Nels weren't dead, everything would be easier. SVEN    [angry] [Vad är det du säger om Nels?] Doc    Nels.  Yes.  He was a good man. SOUND    MEN SHUFFLING IN CARRYING LEM Lem    [wincing in pain] Who's this Nels? Sven    [angry] [You shut up about Nels!] [Du hålla käften om Nels!] OLY    [Be quiet.  If nels was here, there would be no problem.  You know that.] [Var tyst. Om kanaler var här, skulle det inte vara något problem. Du vet att.] FANSHAW    [speculative] Sounds like Nels is ...dead?  Hmm. LEM    [quiet] Go on then. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES SOUND    SETTING LEM DOWN IN CHAIR AKE    [Should we tie him up?] [ska vi binda upp honom?] OLY    [He cannot even stand.  Leave him.] [Han kan inte ens stå. Lämna honom.] FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE NOISES FANSHAW    Nels?  I say, is there a Nels around? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Shut tha gob!  [shut your mouth] FANSHAW    Heavens!  Hello? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] Gi o'er screetin'! [stop talking] FANSHAW    Are you addressing me? FITCH    [whispered, urgent] They'ull suss us're laikin about.  Whilst us'm left bugger-all, and all that.  {they'll figure out we're out here, leaving us with nothing} SCABBY BILL    Pikey's off his head drownt, in't him? [pikey's drunk] PIKEY    [drunken chortle] FANSHAW    That's a relief - of a sort.  Rather than a dead swede, I find a party of my own countrymen - of a sort - encroaching on an already sticky situation.  Bloody hell.  [sigh] I'd best relay this. FADE DOC    I can't do him any good without my bag.  [louder, and gesturing] Bag! OLY    [thinking] Bag.  Ja.  Mrs. Doc    Maybe they understand needle and thread.  Show them. FANSHAW    Lem, just listen.  I've not found Nels, but felt I had to come back and inform you that there are men approaching in a sort of ambush formation outside. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    Not more of the Swedes - I suspect these are the fellows who the alteraction is with - or against.  At any rate, they speak English - of a sort - so they won't be so hard to deal with, assuming that they don't simply stage an attack and kill everyone. LEM    Cheery. FANSHAW    And my apologies for not thinking of this before-- LEM    [impatient sigh] FANSHAW    But I did see where the doctor placed your guns and other belongings - they are in the chest at the foot of the bed you awoke in. LEM    Hmph. DOC    [slowly and loudly] You - look through my bag!  You see?  Noooo weapons.  Give bag, let me help your friend. LEM    [quickly] Doc, I think I hear some men outside. OLY    [Hell!  Nels always had bad timing!]  [Helvete! Nels hade alltid dålig timing!] SVEN    [Do not talk about Nels that way!] [Prata inte om Nels det sättet!] Mrs. Doc    Nels?  [slowly, but nicely] Nels was a good man. SVEN    [good man] God Manniska.  Ya. OLY    [Hmph.  give the doctor his bag.] [ge läkaren sin väska.] FADE FITCH    Red, tha tike Jimmy and Sike, and skeg ap gate.  Keep Pikey downwind, me - guff alone'd make a dozey twonk. [red, you take jimmy and sike and look out front.  I'll keep pikey downwind.  His farts alone would make you stupid.] PIKEY    [drunken laugh] FANSHAW    I shall have to leave them to their machinations while I find this Nels.  [quiet] Please god I shall find him.  [up] Nels?  Nels! PIKEY    Tha 'ear owt? [you hear anything?] FITCH    Oyl and shoon. [Hole and shoes - shut your mouth and walk] FADE SOUND    SCISSORS SNIP DOC    [professional brisk] That needs to stay clean, which means-- MRS. DOC    Dear? DOC    [heavy sigh] Right.  [back to loud and slow] Clean.  Wash.  Alcohol. Whiskey? SWEDES    [approving noises]  ya ya.  Whiskey. DOC    [brisk] I have no idea if they understand a word. LEM    That last word I'd say they did. Mrs. Doc    They're watching you real close.  They might be getting some of this. At least some of our words are kind of similar.  "Help", for instance. OLY    [Help?  Help what?] [Hjalp?  Hjalp vad?] MRS. DOC    It's almost like he understood me. LEM    I wouldn't go thinkin' these fellers is fools.  They don't even seem to mind us talkin, now that the doc's on with his  business. DOC    You think they'll leave now? LEM    So this feller you were talkin about - the one who had some English - do I take it he's deceased? DOC    [agreeing] Mm-hm.  Hatchet flew off the handle, caught him in the side of the head.  It weren't quick, and it weren't pretty, and there weren't a durn thing I coulda done. LEM    So long as they're leavin us to talk amonst ourselves, doc, you were sayin there's some sort of dustup in this here valley? DOC    These fellers - loggers, they are - have some issue with the miners down at the other end of the valley.  They been getting along just fine for a donkey's years, and all of a sudden I ride in this trip to find them at odds and whaling on each other every chance they get. MRS. DOC    Perhaps it is merely a misundertanding?  With Ne- [catches herself] With their one translator passed on, could this all be a terrible mistake? LEM    Might could be.  These miners, they speak English?  Not chineee or sumpin? DOC    English they are, but kind of funny til you get used to it.   LEM    Then I think they's the ones a-creepin up on the house.  I heered just a snatch of voices a while back, and it certain sure weren't Swedes. MRS. DOC    What do we do? LEM    I doubt me you're in any danger, missus, any more than you would be from these fellers. Them out there probably want the doc's help too. MRS. DOC    Even after he sent everyone packing this afternoon? LEM    Even more so.  But they's like to be some fightin once you get'em all in one place. MRS. DOC    Oh no! DOC    If only these fellers would let me speak to them outside. LEM    I'm not sure as they've even noticed-- OLY    [hey!  Someone's outside!] [hey! Någon utanför!] AKE    [I hear them!] [Jag hör dem!] LEM    Never mind. SVEN    [do not let them come in!] [Låt dem inte komma in!] FADE FANSHAW    [sigh] This is about as far as I can go.  I don't know quite where the logger's camp might be‑‑ EZRA    Hello. FANSHAW    Hel-lo? EZRA    Will you play with me? FANSHAW    Oh, dear. [end]   EPISODE 3 1_EZRA EZRA [child]    What's your name? FANSHAW    [dread] Fanshaw. EZRA    That's a funny sort of name. FANSHAW    I expect so.  And yours? EZRA    Ezra.  Ezra Peacote.  FANSHAW    Ezra.  Can you point me to the logger's encampment? EZRA    Sure I can!  You go on down this road a piece, then watch fer where all the trees is gone. FANSHAW    I'm afraid this is as far as I can go, just at the moment.  Can you go to the logging camp? EZRA    I go there all the time to watch them cut down the trees.  I'm gonna cut down trees when I grow up. FANSHAW    [sorrowful] Oh.  I see.     FADE 2_barricade SOUND    SHIFTING FURNITURE OLY    [block that window!  Put out the lamp!] [block som fönster! Släck lampan!] SVEN    [yes! PUSH!]  [Ja! Tryck!] SWEDES    [GRUNTS as they shove furniture] DOC    Stop all this!  Let me talk to them!  AKE    [What if they come in the back?] [Tänk om de kommer i bakvägen?] Mrs. Doc    Oh, please don't let them tear up my house, husband! That china cabinet was my mother's!  DOC    I'll watch the entire house burn to cinders if it means keeping you safe, Irene. LEM    [muttered to self] All I'm watchin is a passel o' people payin no mind to the ailin' feller in the corner.  [chuckles]  It's a wonder how often it helps to seem a mite more poorly than y'really are.      FADE 3_angel FANSHAW    Ezra, you and I need to have a long talk, but that will have to wait.  There's some people in danger, and we are the only ones who can help them. EZRA    Helping is what I'm here fer.  Not that I had much chance, yet.  I'm an angel, you know. FANSHAW    A - what? EZRA    You do know what an angel is, dontcha? FANSHAW    Oh, of course, I've just...  I've never seen one. EZRA    Mama always said that all young'uns who dies of the consumption come up angels. FANSHAW    [sigh of relief] So you know that you passed on? EZRA    Yessir.  But don't sound so sad - it's all right.  I don't cough no more. FANSHAW    You shall have to tell me more about your mama - but first we must help, yes?     FADE 4_irons SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SOUND    SLOW CAREFUL FOOTSTEPS  [voices from back in the front room] OLY    [yelling to them outside]  [we know you are there!  Stand up and be counted!] [vi vet att du är där! Stå upp och räknas] DOC    [also yelling] They have my shotgun!  Stay clear! MRS. DOC    Please, all of you, don't hurt anyone.  We must be able to work this out! SOUND    DOOR EASES SHUT LEM    [sigh of relief]  Plumb clear ain't none of these fellers got much of a head fer fightin, or they'd have a man back here in case of-- PIKEY    [slurred, off]  Eyup!  Naught but oiyl!  As ah allus sez  - let winder open, best as well put parkin in yune - an ahl tell thi that fer nowt.  [hey - nothing but a hole!  As I always say, leave the window open, might as well bake a cake [and invite people in], and I'll tell you that for free] LEM    [hushed but urgent] Dammit!  SOUND    THUMPS AS HE CRAWLS, THEN TRUNK OPENS SOUND    NOISES OF CLIMBING FROM OUTSIDE SOUND    SEARCHING THE TRUNK LEM    [searching for his guns] Where are they?  Dammit!     FADE 5_get nels EZRA    Nels?  I'll go and ask.  There's a couple of fellers at the logging camp, but I ain't never talked to none of them.  They talk funny. FANSHAW    If he's there, Nels will be the one who CAN speak some English. EZRA    I'm a-going.  [slight pause] Say, Mr. Fanshaw, do you think this might could earn me my wings?  I shore would love to be able to fly away and watch over my mama instead. FANSHAW    [bright] I don't know, truly, but I suspect good deeds will always stand you in good stead.  You go on, now.  [pause]  [small sob]     FADE 6_put em up SOUND    THUMP - THEY'RE IN THE ROOM. SCABBY BILL    Bleeding muttonheads, innit?  Leaving the drawbridge down and draining the moat fer us. PIKEY    Inno moat.  [laughs, then smothers it] An thou clap clack on me gone khalied. [And you talk about me being drunk] SCABBY BILL    Shu'up. PIKEY    SHHHHHHHhhhhhh. [sort of damp and spitty] SCABBY BILL    [dry] Thanks, now I dinna need no washup. OLY    [off]  [Who the devil is watching the back?] [Vem fan tittar på baksidan?] AKE    [off]  [I thought bjorn was!] [Jag tyckte det var Björn] BJORN    [off]  [Ake was supposed to--] [Åke var tänkt att titta på] OLY    [furious growl]  [Get back there!] [Komma tillbaka dit!] SOUND    FEET APPROACH SCABBY BILL    Get set to swing that crow, and be chary you don't smite my crown. PIKEY    Nowt missed owt threp yet. [never missed a smack yet] SOUND    DOORKNOB TURNS SCABBY BILL    Shh! SOUND    DOOR OPENS PIKEY    [loud attack] Right! SOUND    HAMMERS CLICK, TWO GUNS LEM    All y'all hold it right there.  [up] GUN, savvy? PIKEY    What? LEM    Drop em. SOUND    CROWBAR DROPS TO GROUND, SOMETHING WOOD TOO SCABBY BILL    What gate of hell spewed you forth? LEM    No place so trick.  You should oughtta check the corners and the shadows when yer breakin inter a body's home. AKE    [slightly off] Gun?  LEM    Yes, gun! SOUND    SOMETHING DROPS IN THE HALL PIKEY    Now, lad, us'n't doin nowt-- SCABBY BILL    You have to understand the tragic poetry of this moment.  You'd laugh if you had the whole picture there afore ye. LEM    You two stay right'chere. SOUND    SLIGHT STEP LEM    [yelling to the swedes, slow] gun.  Now you, "mansker"-- AKE    [me?]  [mig?] LEM    Yeah - you go and unbind the good doctor and his wife. BJORN    [he cannot shoot all of us.] [han kan inte skjuta oss alla] AKE    [He can shoot one.  And it can be you, idiot.]  [Han kan skjuta en. Och det kan vara du, idiot.] LEM    Idiot.  Gotcha.  Idjit, Gun and damm. And maybe mansker.  Never thought I'd be learning no other lingo at my age.     FADE 7_NELS EZRA    You just waiting fer me?    FANSHAW    I thought it would be helpful if you could locate me easily. EZRA    I kin find anything round here.  I found yer Mr. Nels.  He can't come no closer than over yonder, though. FANSHAW    [calling] Nels? NELS    Who is this asking?  Sure, you're not the little boy. EZRA    [muttered] I'm an angel. FANSHAW    [up]  We need help with talking to your men.  Something has upset them and no one can speak to one another. NELS    Sure, it is a row about the woman, is it not? FANSHAW    A woman?  The doctor's wife? NELS    Nah!  The one we bought fair and square - paid her passage and her indebted for five years, and them rascals up and run off with her. FANSHAW    [resigned mutter]  All this over a woman.  And people wonder why a mustache is so comfortable. EZRA    You got a lovely set of whiskers there, you do. FANSHAW    Thank you.  It helps a great deal to never have to worry about grooming them. NELS    Sure, you bring us back the woman, there might be peace again. EZRA    Is she their mother? FANSHAW    I rather doubt it.  But women are good at... other things too. EZRA    You said a mouthful there, you did, sir.  FANSHAW    Please, just call me Fanshaw. EZRA    All right Mr. Fanshaw. FANSHAW    If you must. EZRA    Huh? FANSHAW    [UP] Nels, we need help speaking to your men.  Are you willing to help, if I give you my word that we are going to do our best to clear this up? NELS    [snort of derision]  Sure, a bucket of dead men cannot float. EZRA    That's just silly. FANSHAW    I think that rather lost something in the translation.      FADE 8_palaver SOUND    ANGRY NOISES FROM BOTH SIDES LEM    [very quiet] Talk to me, Fanshaw.  [up a bit] Ain't much we can do while no one parlays the lingo. DOC    I've always purposed to send away for a book of phrases, but Nels was always on hand. MRS. DOC    Perhaps we could draw some pictures? DOC    That's a capital idea!  Mrs. Doc    I have that slate we set aside ...[trails off with a slight sniffle.  NOTE - she has things for when they have children, but she's never had any] ... I'll fetch it, then, shall I? SOUND    SHE RUSHES OFF SCABBY BILL    Us got more lads backside.  Be reasonable and leave us go. LEM    I got two guns, and the doc's got at least two barrels of buck, before we need to be reasonable about nothin.  Stay shut. FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    Lem, we have a problem. LEM    [laughs derisively] FANSHAW    Nels IS present at the loggers camp, but cannot approach this place.  I can get to within shouting distance, but it's going to be a bit of a slow process if I'm dashing back and forth for translations each time - not to mention any mispronunciations I might make along the way. SOUND    MRS. DOC RETURNS MRS. DOC    Here we go.  I even have some chalk.  Now.  [bravely] You seem to be the leader here-- DOC    Be careful, dear. MRS. DOC    He's no more a danger with you watching him, husband.  [to OLY] You... draw ... problem. OLY    [quizzical] Problem? [definite, "getting it"] Problem!  Ja! SOUND    DRAWING ON SLATE MRS. DOC    [satisfied] See? SCABBY BILL    Prob'ly just drawin somethin rude. SOUND    DRAWING FINISHES OLY    ["Finished"] Fardig.  [forceful, indicating - "woman"] Dam. SOUND    TAPS THE SLATE PIKEY    As I allus say. DOC    I'll ask you not to use such language-- LEM    No, I think he means dam, like a mare.  Look at what he's drawn. DOC    A woman?  Oh, that sort of dam! OLY    Ya.  Dam. FANSHAW    Damn!  Lem, Nels said something about this all beginning with a woman.  LEM    Damn. [gasp, up] Pardon me, ma'am.  [musing] We really need to get a mite closer to the loggin camp. END   EPISODE 4 FANSHAW    I've been thrown for a bit of a loop, or I would have mentioned the presence of a female at the heart of this matter-- LEM    [riled] Will someone just come to the point and tell me what's a-going on?  What is this about a woman? FANSHAW    Nels said that he and his had -ahem- brought her here, and those fellows apparently absconded with her. PIKEY    What woman?  Us dunno nowt about no woman. FITCH    Put wood in't clacks. [shut up] LEM    You certain sure they's speakin normal English?  Sounds downright wrong. DOC    You get used to it. FANSHAW    I assume they are come from one of the large mining areas back home in blighty.  Perhaps Lancashire or Yorkshire. LEM    York-sure? PIKEY    Aye!  Tykes, us'm. FITCH    Shh! LEM    That sounds like an ayup. OLY    [This has to get us something.  give us the woman] Detta är att få oss något framåt. ge oss damen. LEM    There's that dam again.  [up]  If you're telling me you got no woman-- FITCH    Got nowt.  LEM    Then let's all jest mosey down t'yer camp and have a rekky.  [thinks] See what we find. SCABBY BILL    Nae, sir, cannot.  LEM    Whay's that? SCABBY BILL    um.... Ty-foy. DOC    Typhoid?  Horsefeathers!  Sides, cain't catch typhoid from a looksee.  Get up. PIKEY    Shant. OLY    [growl]  Son till en hund! [Son of a dog!] FITCH    Gormless bastard - tha'll be right skittled! AKE    Låt mig slå honom! [Let me hit him!] SWEDES and TYKES [general angry grumbles] MRS. DOC    Wait!  Wait, all of you! SWEDES and TYKES [all shut up with gasps] MRS. DOC    You!  Sit!  [noise for emphasis as she gestures] SOUND    SHIFTING, THUMPING, TYKESIDE MRS. DOC    Now you!  Go on! SOUND    SHIFTING THUMPING, SWEDE-SIDE. FANSHAW    Clearly, some things are quite comprehensible, no matter what tongue you speak.  They do say women are a civilizing influence and are bound to tame the west. LEM    [slight snort of laughter] FANSHAW    This show of respect certainly gives me some hope regarding the treatment of this mystery woman, as well. LEM    [deep breath and sigh]  Now, fellers.  Let's take it one more time from the saddle blanket up. FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE, FIRE NEARBY SOUND    BAG SET DOWN, RUSTLE BEACHUM    [crotchety old hag] Wazzatcher got vere?  Ye call vem leeks?  TED    Best t'be had.  Yon t'were parky summer.  [best to be had.  It was a cold summer] BEACHUM    Hmm.  Right, leave em on block.  SOUND    RUNNING FEET COME IN JAMES    [breathless from off] Eyup! TED    Eyup?  Why'rt thee so sharp?  [hello?  What's wrong?] JAMES    Maister Finch an't lads! They'm gripped!  [Finch and the guys!  They've been grabbed] TED    Thas doolally, thee!  [you're crazy!] JAMES    Nay!  us were without't house; Fitch went in wi Scabby Bill, Pikey--  [no!  We were at the house, and they went in--] TED    [snort] All save thee?  Get on.  [everyone but you?  Nonsense!] JAMES    Shouts!  And vices.  Them logmen.  But else ain mair.  I'm thought as that's black tidins, me, so I have a squint, and them're all sat like bairns in skoil, with old scratch hisself stood about in catflap johnnies, wavin a pair of irons and fit to beat seven sorts of shite out of 'em.  [Shouts!  And voices!  Those loggers.  But that's not all.  I figured that sounded bad, so I peeked in, and they were all sitting like kids in school, with the devil standing over them in longjohns, waving a pair of guns and ready to beat the crap out of them] TED    [decisive, grim] Roust old Git.  Say tis knockin up time.  [go wake up Old git.  Tell him to get everyone moving.] FADE SOUND    EATING, SPOON THROWN DOWN LARS    [disgusted noise]  [this tastes terrible.] [Det här smakar hemskt.] ARN    [They better be getting her back.  You cook very badly.] [De bättre att få henne tillbaka. Du tillagar mycket dåligt.] LARS    [What do you expect?] [Vad förväntar du dig?] KJELL    [Quiet down!  It will not kill you.] [Tysta ner! Det kommer inte döda dig.]  SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN FREDEK    [out of breath] [Come quickly!  Something has happened!] [Kom snabbt! Någonting har hänt!] SWEDES    [Excited responses - please all record the following, I will mix] [my god!] Herregud! [What happened?!] Vad hände? [Where is Oly?] Var är Oly? [Let's get em!]  Låt oss få dem! SOUND    CLATTER OF DISHES, BENCHES SCRAPE     FADE LEM    Don't try and buffalo me, lads.  I know you all are speakin some kinda English, and YOU, SCABBY BILL    Me? LEM    Ayup.  I heerd you.  You talk purt near normal.  Normal fer Englanders leastways. FANSHAW    Oh, thank you VERY much. SCABBY BILL    [deep over the top thick accent] Nae, Maister.  [quoting a song] Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee, On Il-kley Moor bar-ta--at? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? Wear 'as tha-bin since ah saw thee? LEM    Cut that out.  This ain't no game, feller.  Lessen you're hankerin to see a mighty dustup, I truly suggest you take off the feathers and help me untie this knot y'all've wound. SCABBY BILL    [considering] Hmm. PIKEY    Wazzat?  Knots 'n feathers? SCABBY BILL    Nay mitherin, lad. [no worrying, lad.]  [up, clearer]  What thee rightly asking, there, "fellow"? DOC    While yer jawin, Mr. Roberts, Why don't you have a seat?  Never saw a man could sway like 'at, while his hands was set in granite. LEM    Sore as it is to own up to weakness, I think a chair would be right fine right about now. SOUND    CHAIR SCRAPE LEM    [sighs as he sits] EZRA    [distant] Mr. Fanshaw? FANSHAW    I am summoned.  You seem to be handling things. LEM    [quiet] uh-huh. MRS. DOC    If yer all set on hospitality, perhaps these gentlemen will let me set some water on to heat? PIKEY    Wha? SCABBY BILL     Lass says tea mayhap. PIKEY    Ta! MRS. DOC    [slowly, with sound effects, to the Swedes]  I heat water [glug glug] to drink [slurp] warm. OLY    [quizzical] ya? MRS. DOC    Well.  I'll just be in the kitchen, then.  SOUND    WALKS OUT LEM    Checkin' her biscuits. DOC    [chuckles]     FADE SOUND    OUTSIDE EZRA    Mr. Fanshaw!  There's folks coming up on you. FANSHAW    From where? EZRA    There! FANSHAW    The loggers? EZRA    And there! FANSHAW    Oh, blast.      FADE DOC    [whispered] Mr. Roberts, tea's all well and good, but fer really makin peace, I cain't fault whiskey.  LEM    [undertone] Save it fer after.  Leave 'em sober til they agree. [up]  You, what's yer name, anyway? SCABBY BILL    Bill.  LEM    No dancin now - tell me about this woman. SCABBY BILL    [sigh]  T'owd lass.  Nae laikin'.  [clears his throat]   She weren't happy wit' them tree trunks.  Nowt speak proper, now t'one has gone.  LEM    What's her name? SCABBY BILL    Mrs. Beamish. LEM    Mrs.?  Doc? DOC    I ain't never seen her. SCABBY BILL    Widder.  LEM    Ayeah.  So Missus Beamish is from England, like you fellers? SCABBY BILL    Nae, London, her'm. SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    [breathless] Lem!  More are on their way, both sides. LEM    But she talks like you. SCABBY BILL    [snort of laughter] Nay!  She've an accent.  FANSHAW    [surprised laugh] LEM    But you-- [take a breath to speak, but is intrupted] SCABBY BILL    But mair like than nowt like.  Can cal [rhymes with pal] six of seven, as may be.  Talk. FANSHAW    [warning] Lem, I know it's a bad time-- LEM    So she favors y'all, cuz she kin talk to you? SCABBY BILL    Aye. OLY    [Did they say what they did?] LEM    [slow] I'm asking.  [muttred]  Dunno what's'a gonna happen when I haveta explain. FANSHAW    Lem, I'll come back and let you know when they are close enough to be a danger. LEM    That's right fine.      FADE SOUND    Moving through underbrush KJELL    Det är huset!  [There is the house!] LARS    Finns det någon död?  [Are there any dead?] FREDEK    Jag såg ingen. [I saw none.] LARS    Oly?  Var såg du honom? [Oly?  Where did you see him?] FREDEK    Jag ser ljus! I fönstret! [I see light!  In the window!] KJELL    Tyst! [Be quiet.]     FADE TED    Thas t'house? JAMES    Eh, by gum.  Us gang thru t'winder. [we went in through the window] OLD GIT    Winder wooded oop.  [window is covered in wood] JAMES    [disparagin] Winder at back.   TED    See owt o't'lads?  [see anything of the guys?] JAMES    Within? OLD GIT    Tha reckon, young-en?  TED    [musing] Tis goin' dahn't nick, appen as not.  [this is all going to hell, like]     FADE MUTTERING DISCUSSIONS AMONG BOTH GROUPS MRS. DOC    Drink.  It's more broth. LEM    Thankee kindly, ma'am.  All this jawin is plumb wearin me thin. DOC    I think you've takin the edge off, anyways.  Ain't no one looking fit to kill, no more. LEM    At's a wonder.  [sips, ahhh.] DOC    But I worry about you, feller.  Soon as can, you're for bed, and I'll need ta check them wounds. LEM    I cain't wish fer more.  [up, to Mrs.] Thankee ma'am.  Maybe a touch more? MRS. DOC    Of course. SOUND    BUSTLES OFF LEM    [quiet] Spect this's a bad time to say I'm a-hearin voices outside again? DOC    What the blazes! LEM    shh.  I think both have reinforcements comin.  We needs to shove some peaceable down all their throats - and right quick, before a range war starts out yonder. SCABBY BILL    [clears throat]  We are ready to cry off.  And make some talk.  Nowt gi' up, but sort this - hosses fer yows.  [not giving up, but want to negotiate - horses for ewes] LEM    Sounds like a good start.  You? OLY    Ya?  [No fighting.  Talk.  Somehow.] DOC    Does that sounds peaceble enough? LEM    I'm fair hopeful. [up] Bill?  Go tell yer men to rein it in.  [correcting] uh, step back.  They's comin from out there. SCABBY BILL    Flippin 'eck!  Ah'm barn.  [flippin heck! I'm going] SOUND    a couple of steps, DOOR OPENS SCABBY BILL    [off, fading]  Lads!  LEM    Oly, your turn, old son.  [slowly, with gestures] Go stop your'n. OLY    Ya.  SOUND    FEET, DOOR LEM    [clearly weakening] Doc, go and yell fer that Bill feller - tell him to bring Mrs. Beamish along here.  See what you can do anyway. DOC    Let me take them guns, first, yer gone all pale and fit to drop 'em LEM    I'll set em down myself. SOUND    METAL ON WOOD LEM    [quiet] Don't fret.  Th'ain't even loaded. DOC    Well, I'll be! LEM    I doubt me I got the strength left to hold guns and bullets.  Now catch 'em up and get that woman here. END    

    19 Nocturne Boulevard - AULD LANG SYNE (parts 4-6 of 6) (Deadeye Kid #5) Reissue of the week

    Play Episode Listen Later Aug 4, 2022 35:23


    A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ******************************************************************   Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW Will it be safe? LEM Safe? FANSHAW I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW Is it worth the risk? LEM [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM [laughs]    I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB IN TOWN SOUND WALKING ON WOOD LEM Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW Lem!  LEM [voice low]    We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW I'll-- LISETTE [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM 3_SALOON SOUND HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB SALOON LEM One here. SOUND DRINK POURED BARTENDER There you go. SOUND COINS SOUND LEM DRINKS GRISHAM [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER Something wrong, fella? LEM [coughing, trying to clear his throat]    Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM   And sorry about the-- BARTENDER [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND MORE COINS LEM Give me the bottle. GRISHAM Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM 4_LISETTE AMB OUTSIDE LISETTE [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW I-- LISETTE Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW Stop calling me that. LISETTE Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB SALOON SOUND LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM [low] Sit. GRISHAM What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM I ... drifted. LEM That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM [sigh] SOUND DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND PIGS LEM Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW That woman - ghost woman. LEM An old flame? FANSHAW Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW [disgusted] Yes... LEM So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW Aptly put.    LEM You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW You might be surprised. LEM Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW What? LEM Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW   It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW What? LEM Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW You would leave?  Over this? LEM I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND WALKING IN MUD LEM Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB BARN SOUND TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW Righty-ho.  SOUND LEAVES GRISHAM Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM You kilt me! LEM We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM But you still kilt me. LEM And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW Lisette? LISETTE There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW History is replete with-- LISETTE Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND HORSES WALKING LEM I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC FOR FLASHBACK NOTE Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB SALOON LEM Gimme two. SOUND CARDS LEM [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM Your call. PLAYER1 [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM [chuckles] PATRON1 How can he--? Patron2 Shh! SOUND HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1 [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM Now! LEM [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER .. certainly. GRISHAM I'll do it!  I will! SOUND CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC BACK TO NOW SOUND HORSES WALKING FANSHAW Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Shooting someone in the back. LEM And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM Are you stepping? LEM What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM   Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW Why not?  He called you out. LEM He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM You ready? LEM Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND G - BODY DROP SOUND LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC BACK TO NOW FANSHAW [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW Do you enjoy it? LEM [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM   [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW The thrill of danger? LEM That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?    FANSHAW Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC FLASH BACK AMB INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN [gasps] SOUND [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER Your shot, Mister. LEM [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC BACK TO NOW LEM [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM Whazzat? FANSHAW Look - the horizon! LEM Signal fires, and a lot of em.  FANSHAW They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND READYING FOR BATTLE LEM If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE   I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE Wait! FANSHAW [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND POUNDING LISETTE Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND POUNDING STOPS LISETTE Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW [sigh] Yes? LISETTE Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY Sir? LEM Yeah? SCOTTY Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY O'course. LEM Against a person? SCOTTY Well, against animals. LEM GRISHAM Not everyone can be you. LEM [sighs] SCOTTY Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM   Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY Over there. GRISHAM [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY Right, sir! GRISHAM Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM That ain't what I heered. LEM Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB CRICKETS SOUND HORSES FANSHAW They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM Hmm? FANSHAW I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY What ain't impossible? LEM We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY These here horses are my responsibility! LEM Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW Don't forget the satchel. SOUND CREAK LEM Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND REMOVING SPURS LEM Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY How'll you find us? LEM I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK echoey hallway LISETTE [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW LISETTE [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW I'll have a look round.  SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM What all do you want? GRISHAM Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW Who the devil is this? GRISHAM Who the devil are you? LEM What'd ya find out? FANSHAW A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW We need to get moving. GRISHAM I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND KNIFE FANSHAW [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM FANSHAW Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM What'd you do to him? FANSHAW I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND TAP ON DOOR LISETTE Fanshaw? FANSHAW Come in. LISETTE I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW Whyever not? LISETTE On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW What? LISETTE That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW Out? LISETTE [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW I don't see anyone.  .. hostile. SOUND QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW I don't doubt it. SCOTTY And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM [heavy sigh]  CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW Of course. SCOTTY I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW I'll deal with him. LEM I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY What are you doing? LEM Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND MEN WALK BY LEADER Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY What's it like? FANSHAW [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY Being with a woman? FANSHAW ... 4_RUNNING LEM [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK SOUND NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW   Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM [pride] Yup. SOUND OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY Was she really purtty? FANSHAW [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY What didja do? FANSHAW I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY You waited on a rock? FANSHAW I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY What happened? FANSHAW I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY Yes? FANSHAW That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY She'd gone and -- FANSHAW My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT YOUNG LEM Why?  What for? PIEDMONT We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM You mean the war?    My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS There he is! MAN Get him! PIEDMONT [scream] SOUND SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW   We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY How'd it work? FANSHAW Work? SCOTTY I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW .. help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM [gasp]  Pa? SOUND GUNSHOT SOUND TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY   I spose that could happen. FANSHAW Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY What if it's ladies? FANSHAW [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS   Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS YOUNG LEM In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS   [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM SOUND BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS Lem?  YOUNG LEM [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY I-- FANSHAW [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY Answer? FANSHAW Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY   And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW What about me? SCOTTY Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW   But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY No?  Why? FANSHAW I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY That's crazy talk. FANSHAW That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW   [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY Is there something we can do? FANSHAW This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER Yessir! SOUND FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2 Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER On foot?  SENTRY [off] Halt! LEM [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY Stop, I say! COMMANDER Let him on through. LEM They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER Why are you-- LEM Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND FALLS DOWN COMMANDER Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY We got to do something! FANSHAW And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY [really down] No. FANSHAW If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC Can you get yourself around this? LEM [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC [shrug] Mostly brandy.  LEM [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM [coughs] DOC Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY But I-- GRISHAM [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY Where? FANSHAW To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND MEN READY TO GO SOUND MOUNT UP LEM [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER You doing all right, there, feller? LEM Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND HORSES MOVE OUT LEM Commander? COMMANDER Hmm? LEM Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND PUNCH FANSHAW [casual] shut up. SCOTTY That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW How? SCOTTY Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM oof! SCOTTY Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM [muttered] Fanshaw?    Too far out.  COMMANDER What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER   Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM Course not.  COMMANDER You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM   Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER You're sure he's ... dead? LEM I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER [sad] That's too bad. LEM Kin? COMMANDER   LEM [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC FLASHBACK AMB BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA No!  I am a pirate. NANNY Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER Did you see how big a force they had? LEM Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER [skeptical] Really? LEM They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM 'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1 Hey!  I found something! SOUND CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2 What? SECOND Silence! RUFFIAN2 [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1 Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB Yessir! LEM If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER Valuables? LEM Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY Why? FANSHAW I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW   There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY Why can't I--? FANSHAW Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA Or nannies. NANNY [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER One thing. LEM Yeah? COMMANDER One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM [down] Oh. COMMANDER And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM I- COMMANDER [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM I kin only do my best. SOUND WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW RUFFIAN2 [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1 [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2 [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1 Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM   [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW [muffled noises] SOUND STRUGGLING GRISHAM Oh, no you don't!  SOUND MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW [noise of effort] GRISHAM [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM   [disgusted noise] FANSHAW [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW [noise of effort] SOUND STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM You're a-- ?  FANSHAW You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER Shots? SECOND Sir? LEADER   Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND Plan dos, sir? LEADER They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND Yessir! SOUND RUNS OFF SCOTTY [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM [muttered] almost... GRISHAM There you are! LEM [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND BEGINS SHOOTING MaN [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY Yessir! MAN [hit, argh!] COMMANDER Stay low! FANSHAW All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM There you are. FANSHAW Bloody hell. GRISHAM [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND RELOADING SOUND NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM That's nine.  SOUND SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM   [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND HORSE BLOWS LEM [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW [a bit distant] Lem? LEM Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM Grisham?  FANSHAW The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM   Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW What message? LEM Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND HORSE APPROACHING LEM [distant] Commander! COMMANDER Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER My god! LEM Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER You, boy! BOY Yessir? COMMANDER Bring my horse, quickly! LEM You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER Corporal? CORPORAL [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND LEM DISMOUNTS LEM Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL Excellent!  FANSHAW I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM Found you! FANSHAW Oh, damn!  GRISHAM You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW [hits out] GRISHAM [ungh!] FANSHAW Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM What? LEM You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM [all the bluster gone]  LEM   I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND GUNSHOT LEM [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL [commanding] Men! SOUND MORE GUNSHOTS LEM [groan] SOUND BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER Hold on, there, fellow. LEM [vague] all's well? COMMANDER We got em. LEM My pack? COMMANDER I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM [annoyed moan] FANSHAW You're awake. LEM [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM   I been shot? FANSHAW At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM Go?  go where? FANSHAW [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM [satisfied]  FANSHAW I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW LEM Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW [bracing breath]  LEM [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW LEM [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW So she did--? LEM [shrug]    So? FANSHAW [surprised] So? LEM You cain't be the first. FANSHAW First? LEM Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW .. don't? LEM 'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW What? END    

    19 Nocturne Boulevard - AULD LANG SYNE (parts 1-3 of 6) (Deadeye Kid #5) Reissue of the week

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 28, 2022 34:26


    A quirk of fate brings both Lem and Fanshaw face to face with people from their pasts.  disagreeable reunions bring up disagreeable memories, and show a taste of what makes a man into a gunslinger. Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson ~~~~~~ Grisham - Bill Hollweg  (BrokenSea Audio) Lisette Carmichael - Robyn Keyes Commander Bannington -  Glen Hallstrom Scotty - Mike Campbell Other Voices: Episode 1 Bartender - Rick Lewis Episode 2 Townsfolks - Mark Olson, Candace Behuniak, Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 3 Juliet - Alexa Chipman (Imagination Lane) Glen Hallstrom Episode 4 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Piedmont - Russell Gold Mr. Roberts - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Episode 5 Nanny - Jennifer Dixon Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Episode 6 Bandits - Big Anklevitch & Rish Outfield (Dunesteef audio magazine) Mark & Connor Olson Russell Gold Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson   No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. ************************************************************* Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 1 MUSIC 1_ARRIVAL SOUND     HORSES, RIVER, BOAT TRAFFIC LEM    Largest town I been near in a good passel of time.  I hear tell it started out as a frontier fort, but the frontier moseyed west and left it a-setting behind. FANSHAW    Will it be safe? LEM    Safe? FANSHAW    I had rather assumed you were avoiding larger towns.  For ... notoriety's sake. LEM    Meaning I don't want be invited to a necktie party?  'at's part of it, though I'm purty sure I ain't never been posted in this territory.  FANSHAW    Is it worth the risk? LEM    [shrug noise]  Time to time a man wants a bath and a night in a bed. FANSHAW    There are some distinct benefits to being deceased. LEM    [laughs]  Ayup.  I don't gotta listen to you bellyaching about aches and pains and sleeping on the ground no more.  Never mind being all prissy and citified about finding you a comf'table bush now and then-- FANSHAW    [rolling eyes]  Yes, yes. LEM    Sides, I'm outta coffee.  And low on shells.  FANSHAW    [teasing] Heavens.  How DO you manage? 2_STROLLING AMB    IN TOWN SOUND    WALKING ON WOOD LEM    Lotta trade hereabouts.  Reckon I'll be able to get what all I need. FANSHAW    Lem!  Soldiers. LEM    [voice low]  Right.  We'll go on over yonder.  [beat] Must still be a fort within spitting distance.  FANSHAW    I did notice that the old fortification appears to have become the mansion for an authority of some kind.  LEM    Probly best to get my business done and skeddaddle. SOUND    SALOON DOOR OPENS, JUST OFF, PEOPLE COME OUT FANSHAW    I say.  Isn't it a bit early for a drink? LEM    [shrug] Three weeks.  Don't seem early to me. FANSHAW    I'll-- LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary? FANSHAW    [stunned and horrified] Oh god. LISETTE    [off a bit] Clary?  I'd know that voice anywhere! LEM    Friend o'yourn? FANSHAW    [stiff, covering]  Old acquaintance.  Go on ahead! LEM    Right. 3_SALOON SOUND    HE WALKS INTO SALOON AMB    SALOON LEM    One here. SOUND    DRINK POURED BARTENDER    There you go. SOUND    COINS SOUND    LEM DRINKS GRISHAM    [angry growl] Lemuel Roberts. LEM    [SPIT-TAKE] SOUND    GLASS SLAMMED DOWN BARTENDER    Something wrong, fella? LEM    [coughing, trying to clear his throat]  Toothache.  Hit like a snakebite. GRISHAM    You look at me, you pissant slab of gun leather. BARTENDER    [sympathetic] Tarnation.  You need it yonked?  Barber can‑‑ LEM    [finally getting clear] No, no.  I kin handle it.  SOUND    COINS, GLASS DOWN LEM    Another.  And sorry about the-- BARTENDER    [dismissive] Ain't no nevermind. SOUND    MORE COINS LEM    Give me the bottle. GRISHAM    Now I found you, you could float a heap o rotgut and won't never drown me! BARTENDER    You drink more careful now, you hear? LEM    Ayup. 4_LISETTE AMB    OUTSIDE LISETTE    [close, laughing] Oh, good lord, look at you!  Mustache and all.  Aren't you a little brigadier? FANSHAW    [acknowledging] Carmichael. LISETTE    Oh, how formal.  Just like at school.  What have you been up to Clary, dear? FANSHAW    "Fanshaw," if you please. LISETTE    And we used to be such chums.  However did you end up here? FANSHAW    I'm quite sorry to see that you are dead, Carmichael. LISETTE    [laughing] Oh, I rather doubt that!  You're only very sad to see that I'm here, aren't you? FANSHAW    Would you prefer that I said I am pleased to find that you died, since that would be the only circumstance that could ever have stopped you from tormenting every living soul around you? LISETTE    [not amused any more]  At least that would be closer to the truth. FANSHAW    Jolly good.  Happy you're dead.  Must get along. LISETTE    Don't run off so quickly, Clary!  FANSHAW    [long breath of self-control]  LISETTE    There's been no one interesting to talk to or listen in on for simply ages.  FANSHAW    How unfortunate.  Must rush. LISETTE    I noticed you speaking to that fellow. FANSHAW    [quiet] Bloody hell.  [up]  I speak to a lot of people. LISETTE    I'm sure.  But he replied.  Might I speak with him as well? FANSHAW    I-- LISETTE    Oh, just watch your face!  You're trying desperately to come up with a lie!  You never could hide anything from me, mustache or no mustache, silly Clary-- FANSHAW    Stop calling me that. LISETTE    Oh, how I've missed these little moments with my dearest friends - ever since I made the leap.  I shall have to spend a great deal of time with you - and with your rugged looking friend.  FANSHAW    [gritted teeth] Jolly good. 5_SALOON2 AMB    SALOON SOUND    LEM DRINKS, SLAMS DOWN GLASS GRISHAM    I know you kin hear me, you toad-bellied worm. SOUND    CHAIR SHIFTS, KICKED OUT FROM TABLE LEM    [low] Sit. GRISHAM    What makes you think I'd sit with you?  You done went and killed me! LEM    That's one reason I'm plumb surprised to see you.  You went down all the way to Fayetteville - damn far north o' here. GRISHAM    I ... drifted. LEM    That's just what's got me hornswoggled.  Ain't no one drifts. GRISHAM    Well I did, and I's planning to get you back for what you done, one way or t'other. LEM    [sigh] SOUND    DRINK POURS 6_PIGS SOUND    PIGS LEM    Why'd you drag me out to the slaughterhouse? FANSHAW    That woman - ghost woman. LEM    An old flame? FANSHAW    Nonsense!  We knew each other as ... children.  She is-- [changing the subject] She is unlikely to follow us here.  LEM    Spect not.  Womenfolks ain't fond of this sort of messy business. FANSHAW    [disgusted] Yes... LEM    So?  You'd best'a brought me here fer a reason. FANSHAW    Lisette Carmichael.  She [hard to say] is a person who likes to know things.  About other people.  She likes to -- LEM    Hold a grudge?  Like a noose over yer head? FANSHAW    Aptly put.  Yes.  LEM    You cain't have much in the way of dark secrets, though, can you?  Leastways not no more. FANSHAW    You might be surprised. LEM    Who's she a-gonna tell?  [realizes] Oh.  FANSHAW    And while I'm fairly certain you think you could overlook any past indiscretion on my  part, I don't doubt there are a few things that might shock even you.  Lord knows, she's not even above the occasional fabrication. LEM    [after a moment]  Did it involve a sheep? FANSHAW    What? LEM    Whatever it was you done. FANSHAW    No.  It isn't - it's not like that at all. LEM    [shrug] Sounds like we should jest ride on out. FANSHAW    What? LEM    Got my coffee, ain't no reason to lollygag. FANSHAW    You would leave?  Over this? LEM    I figger you saved m'life more'n once, and ain't much I can do in return.  SOUND    WALKING IN MUD LEM    Let's get gone before you start a-thanking me. 7_BARN AMB    BARN SOUND    TACK, HORSES, ETC. LEM    You distract her, I'll get the gear.  Come and find me when you feel the pull. FANSHAW    Righty-ho.  SOUND    LEAVES GRISHAM    Running away, eh?  Allus knew you'ure yella. LEM    [sigh]  You're lucky ain't no one about but us.  Otherwise, I wouldn't dignify none of that with an answer. GRISHAM    You kilt me! LEM    We had it out, fair and square.  I never shot no one in-- [breaks off, a bit choked up]  I never din't kill any one not a-gunning fer me.  Not on purpose. SOUND    LAST BIT OF TACKING UP GRISHAM    Are you saying I was asking fer it? LEM    I seem to recall you a-calling me out in the middle of a fairish game of cards.  Yellin blue bloody murder that I should step out and face you. GRISHAM    Well, yeah, but I was drunk. LEM    I din't do THAT to you neither.  You called me out, without no good reason agin me. GRISHAM    [losing some of his bluster] I fancied making a name for myself. SOUND    LEM GETS INTO THE SADDLE LEM    By shooting the Kid?  You ain't the first. GRISHAM    But you still kilt me. LEM    And I won't never forget none of it, but you got what you asked for, and not a jot more.  Blame providence if you cain't blame yerself, but don't put this guilt on me.  Hee-yaw! SOUND    RIDES OFF 8_DISTRACTION FANSHAW     Lisette? LISETTE    There you are!  Just like a naughty boy, running off to filthy places to get away. FANSHAW    So sorry.  Didn't have much choice.  My friend is quite fascinated by... hogs. LISETTE    Did you make a clean breast of it?  Or just warn him not to believe a thing I say?  FANSHAW    You don't understand what you're threatening to do - you never did.  LISETTE    So bothered over trifles!  How much people change! FANSHAW    Ruining someone's life never meant anything to you!  Do you recall poor Selfridge? LISETTE    Carmela?  Served her right.  FANSHAW    She threw herself off a bridge! LISETTE    She also let herself be compromised!  I didn't put her in the family way, and she was the one lying and hiding-- FANSHAW    Are you trying to imply that you are somehow in the right?  A champion of truth? LISETTE    Shall I point out what it is you are doing that flies in the face of nature? FANSHAW    History is replete with-- LISETTE    Oh, spare me.  Next you'll be quoting Shakespeare. FANSHAW    Very well.  I shan't try and justify myself, but I will point out that whatever I am doing, it cannot be changed.  Being dead, there's not much one can do about such trifles. LISETTE    Then why should it be such a catastrophe were I to tell? FANSHAW    [beat] You've never had a real friend, only people who fawned on you in order that you would not reveal their shortcomings.  LISETTE    [outraged] I--?  You--! FANSHAW    Kindly allow me to finish.  There is a certain camaraderie among men that simply does not - cannot - occur once a woman is involved.  Once you put your nose in, I fear it would never be quite the same. LISETTE    No doubt.  I'll just go and find your friend now, shall I? FANSHAW    [strange gasp, ending on a laugh]  No, but I think I shall. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVING NOISE CLOSING         Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 2 1_MOSEYING AMB    OPEN COUNTRYSIDE, nighttime SOUND    HORSES WALKING LEM    I still cain't reckon how he got so far from where he-- I-- where we had it out. FANSHAW    How odd.  Have you ever encountered other ghosts who could travel? LEM    Present comp'ny only. FANSHAW    And we know the how and why of that.  Perhaps this fellow has a similar... arrangement? LEM    How?  And who with?  Ain't no one would carry that ugly cuss a dog's walk, let alone some hundred miles. FANSHAW    Well, every one of we "spirits" seems to be a bit different. LEM    Like your lady friend back there? FANSHAW    [sigh] From her current appearance and [disapproving] "costume", she had fallen on ‑ahem- hard times indeed.  Possibly drifted west - whilst alive - in hopes of making something better for herself.  LEM    Lot of people can say that, out this way. FANSHAW    [a bit snotty] Frankly I'm not surprised at her misfortune.  When you alienate all those around you, no one will step in to help if things take a turn for the worse. LEM    Cain't say I ain't never been that fella. FANSHAW    [chagrined] Oh.  MUSIC     FOR FLASHBACK NOTE    Lem is younger, more cocky, more superior in the falshback - need to really show who he used to be 2_THE OLD KID AMB    SALOON LEM    Gimme two. SOUND    CARDS LEM    [pleased noise]  I'll see you and raise-- SOUND    CROWD HUSHES GRISHAM    [snarling declaration] I hear tell the Deadeye Kid's here in town? LEM    [ignoring him, smug] Raise ten. DEALER    [shaky] Uh, Kid? GRISHAM    Which one o' y'all's sposed to be this weasel? LEM    Your call. PLAYER1    [shaky] Um...  I fold. LEM    [chuckles] PATRON1    How can he--? Patron2    Shh! SOUND    HEAVY SPURRED BOOTS CROSS FLOOR, PEOPLE SCUTTLE OUT OF WAY GRISHAM    [heavy menace]  You the deadeye kid? LEM    [offhanded] I'm the man playing a nice civil hand of cards.  Mebbe you can hold your hosses there, whistle stomper. GRISHAM    Either you come out and face me now, or I swear'n I'm gonna shoot you where you sit. SOUND    CHAIRS SCOOTING OUT, PEOPLE LEAVING TABLE LEM    [long dramatic sigh]  Now that sounds a mite like a threat. PLAYER1    [muttered] Uh, yeah.  I'm done.  Fergot my wife wants me home. GRISHAM    Are you coming, or am I shooting? LEM    If everyone's takin' leg, I guess I win by forfeit? DEALER    Um, I don't think anyone's gonna argue you on that. GRISHAM    You turn around now and face me, you yellow bellied dog! SOUND    MONEY BEING SHOVED TOGETHER LEM    Give the frog a chance to jump, knuckles.  Cain't just leave all this layin around. SOUND    G's GUN DRAWN AND COCKED GRISHAM    Now! LEM    [to dealer, cocky] You'll look after this til I get back? DEALER    Uh... certainly. GRISHAM    I'll do it!  I will! SOUND    CHAIR SLOWLY MOVES, LEM'S SPUR-STEPS, STANDS LEM    Rightchere in front of all these good folks?  And leave the dealer to clean up the mess?  [tsks]  Let's at least be civilized and take this on outside. 3_EASIER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW SOUND    HORSES WALKING FANSHAW    Seems as if it would be a great deal easier. LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Shooting someone in the back. LEM    And killin a chicken's easier than takin down a buffalo, but ain't a thing to swell over.  Ain't no pride in the easy way.  FANSHAW    Backshooting would gain you notoriety just as quickly. LEM    It's all about how folks look at you... and how they see you. MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK 4_WARMUP GRISHAM    Are you stepping? LEM    What flavor of tarantula juice got you fit to wake snakes?  Milk?  [insulting that he can't hold his liquor] GRISHAM    [furious noise]  I got a pill to run you on, and I'm gonna chew back every moment of it. LEM    [to the crowd] Righchere's a rumbustious fellow for you.  SOUND    DRINKS DOWN HIS LIQUOR, SLAMS IT DOWN LEM    Barkeep?  Have me a shot of top mark waitin. SOUND    WALKS OUT, SLOWLY GRISHAM    You look at me while I'm a talking to you! LEM    [walking out] You say somethin' more wheat than chaff, mebbe I will. 5_RATTLING FANSHAW    Were you trying to upset his equilibrium? LEM    What's that when it's at home? FANSHAW    uh - Throw him off - make him upset and more likely to make mistakes. LEM    Rattlin.  Yup.  There's as much head as hand in a proper showdown.  Not that this was one o' them. FANSHAW    Why not?  He called you out. LEM    He was halfway round on rotgut.  Not a nugget's chance agin me.  Even if he had all his [careful] equilibriums about him. FANSHAW    But you stepped out with him?  Even knowing he had no chance? LEM    A'course.  He wouldn't take no.  Drunk fellers who ain't gettin their way are as likely to shoot just about anyone.  I reckoned I was a-helpin, putting him down. FANSHAW    [a bit touchy] And you couldn't simply injure him or knock him out - he had to die? LEM    Ain't no place for fine feelins when there's a man with a gun a-facin you.  And ain't no time to aim all purty and shoot him just so.  You hit hard and put him down, cause if you don't, he'll do it to you.  That's the part you cain't get away from - one or t'other's likely for boot hill, and you GOTTA face it that way. 6_SHOWDOWN MUSIC    BACK TO FLASHBACK SOUND    OUTSIDE NOW GRISHAM    You ready? LEM    Why trouble yerself to call me out anyhow?  I kill someone yer riled over? GRISHAM    [duh] Yer the Deadeye Kid! LEM    [duh] Yep.  [beat] That's your sole entire reason?  You wanna walk in my boots? GRISHAM    No faster way to make a name, than laying out a name. SOUND    THEY MOVE TO EITHER SIDE OF THE SOUNDSCAPE SOUND    GUN BEING CHECKED, LEM LEM    And o'course it gots to be a callout.  [digsut, sarcasm] No one wants to be the next Robert Ford.  [man who backshot his friend Jesse James] GRISHAM    Come on!  Kick it up, Deadeye!  Less'n yer yellow! SOUND    LEM - DIRT PATTERS - checking the wind] LEM    [maddenginly cool] Oh.  I'm ripe and ready to drop. SOUND    TENSION NOISE, CROWD NOISE, THEN SUDDEN FLURRY OF GUNFIGHT. SOUND    G - BODY DROP SOUND    LEM - GUN INTO HOLSTER.  A MOMENT.  FEET WALK BACK UP INTO SALOON 7_ENJOY MUSIC    BACK TO NOW FANSHAW     [relenting a bit] I suppose it's very like being in battle - not a good place to have consideration for the other fellow. LEM    Have to ice over that pond.  Hard and cold.  Hard and cold. FANSHAW    I- I do apologize for sounding disapproving.  I want to assure you, it's the process that... well... seems so very pointless. LEM    [a litle lighter] Men'll be men. FANSHAW    But men can behave in a civilized manner!  Look at we Brits. LEM    [grunt - half laugh half dismissive] FANSHAW    Do you enjoy it? LEM    [very mixed feelings] Enjoy? FANSHAW    Throughout history there have been men who reveled in killing, in battle. LEM    Hmmm.  [musing] There's a fire that burns you at that moment, like bugs in the skin. LEM    S'like the best whiskey and the moment you almost fall off a cliff, and being with the love of your life, all at the same damn time.  FANSHAW    The thrill of danger? LEM    That, but even more so.  If'n you just want danger, you go climbin cliffs or breakin broncs.  This is starin into the eyes of death - death right there and then and ain't no "maybe so" about it.  Kill or be killed.  [beat, then not quite truthful]  Enjoy?  No.  FANSHAW    Sometimes a person's strength is in making the right choice, even when it might pain them to do so. LEM    I reckon. 8_WINNER MUSIC    FLASH BACK AMB    INSIDE SALOON, HUSHED SOUND    GUNSHOT, OUTSIDE WOMAN    [gasps] SOUND    [CROWD NOISE, OUTSIDE], THEN OMINOUS BOOTS ON WOOD, SALOON DOOR OPENS SOUND    PIANO PLAYS, CHATTER BEGINS AGAIN LEM    [voiceover]  there's also this way people have of lookin at you - like yer the best.  Used be I din't see the fear beneath it. SOUND    BOTTLE POURS, GLASS SET DOWN BARTENDER    Your shot, Mister. LEM    [drinks big, then bragging] My second shot in two minutes! SOUND    Forced laughter from the crowd, warps out a bit. 9_HUNKER MUSIC    BACK TO NOW LEM    [brisk] It's coming down dusk.  Need to find a place to hunker fer the night. FANSHAW    I shall keep an eye out for-- [dread] oh! LEM    Whazzat? FANSHAW    Look - the horizon! LEM    Signal fires, and a lot of em.  Damn. FANSHAW    They're a little far off to get a better look at.  We shall... have to return, shan't we? LEM    Someone's gotta warn the town.  Whether it's injuns or sumpin else, looks like an ambush on the march. FANSHAW    [weakly] Surely the garrison maintains lookouts? LEM    Not so much that I saw.  They're purt near closed up shop, from the looks back there.  FANSHAW    [heavy sigh]  Right, then.  SOUND    DISMOUNT, SHIFTING A FEW THINGS FROM HORSE TO HORSE LEM    You worried about your lady friend? FANSHAW    She's neither a lady nor a friend.  But whatever she might have to say will matter to none but me.  [change of tone]  We are a couple of hours out. LEM    Horses ain't fresh, but I weren't pushin.  We can get back before them out there can get into spittin distance. SOUND    MOUNT OTHER HORSE FANSHAW    [resigned but determined] Shall we? MUSIC     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 3 1_WONT SPOOK SOUND    READYING FOR BATTLE LEM    If'n you got a fresh horse, I kin go scout some fer you. COMMANDER    You've done enough already, stranger.  Ain't even your fight. LEM    I know where they're at, and I got some idea of where they're likely to be by the time I get back there.  Give me one horse ain't like to spook, and I'll-- COMMANDER    I'll have to send a man along with you. LEM    That's fine.  Make sure he ain't like to spook neither. 2_LISETTE SOUND    [above scene plays out in the background] LISETTE    And here I thought you had run away and left me all alone.  FANSHAW    [sigh] Why don't we step outside to have this conversation? LISETTE    No.  I like seeing what the "menfolk" are up to.  [frustrated noise] What I wouldn't give to be able to leave this rattletrap town.  I'm still not sure how you did that.  Or why you came back. FANSHAW    We had to warn the garrison. LISETTE    Always full of suprises, aren't you - and yet still sanctimonious.  Fanshaw, dear old chum.  Are you not afraid of what I might say? FANSHAW    Any concern you might cause me is negligible when weighed against the potential danger to others. LISETTE    [surprised laugh]  Hah!  All you superior little snobs, with your noses in the air!  And deep down, all just as afraid as the rest of us. FANSHAW    I've no idea what you're talking about, and I don't care to find out.  Whatever you plan to do, just get on with it.  We have a job to do. LISETTE    Wait! FANSHAW    [long sigh]  Yes? LISETTE    Shall I wish you "good luck"? FANSHAW    I doubt I shall need any.  But I thank you for the sentiment, Miss Carmichael, however grudgingly bestowed. 3_JULIET FLASHBACK JULIET    Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself. FANSHAW    I take thee at thy word: Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized; Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET     What man art thou that thus bescreen'd in night So stumblest on my counsel? ROMEO     By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am: My name, dear saint, is hateful to myself-- SOUND    POUNDING LISETTE    Oh heavens!  Not again! MAN    [calling from off] Sorry. SOUND    POUNDING STOPS LISETTE    Try that scene again from the top.  Romeo? FANSHAW    [sigh] Yes? LISETTE    Couldn't you try to be a bit more ... masculine? JULIET    Oh, I like "him".  So terribly byronic. FANSHAW    I'll see what I can do. 4_SCOTTY SOUND    PACKING A HORSE SCOTTY    Sir? LEM    Yeah? SCOTTY    Private Scott.  Commander Bennington told me to report to you. LEM    [sigh] Right.  You ever shot that for real? SCOTTY    O'course. LEM    Against a person? SCOTTY    Well, against animals. LEM    Right. GRISHAM    Not everyone can be you. LEM    [sighs] SCOTTY    Don't you worry!  I ain't afraid! GRISHAM    This pullet ain't even got pinfeathers yet.  You get him killed, you gonna adda a notch fer him too? LEM    You got a horse, Scott? SCOTTY    Everyone calls me Scotty. GRISHAM    Later, they'll just call him dead. LEM    Scotty.  Right.  You gotta horse? SCOTTY    Over there. GRISHAM    [rueful] My damn horse.  Serving in the army like the rest of the idjets.  LEM    Well, go and get'im. SCOTTY    Right, sir! GRISHAM    Ain't he a little young?  You should oughtta throw him back. LEM    I'm stuck with him.  And I never kept notches. GRISHAM    That ain't what I heered. LEM    Lot o' tales goin round - ain't a one of 'em naught but sagebrush smoke. GRISHAM    And the tale 'bout how you kilt me? LEM    [sharp intake] I don't brag on none o' that no more. GRISHAM    So, you think I like being plumb forgot? LEM    If I thought tellin about it would ease you on to the next thing, you think I wouldn't? SCOTTY    Tell me about what?  Injuns?  [certain] I know all about them. LEM    [sigh] 5_SCOUTING AMB    CRICKETS SOUND    HORSES FANSHAW    They're still out of range.  I can just barely catch snippets of sound at my farthest reach, but I'm fairly certain it is not Indians. LEM    Hmm? FANSHAW    I can make out English and Spanish.  Are we anywhere near the Mexico territories? LEM    [quiet] Ain't impossible.  Deserters, mebbe. SCOTTY    What ain't impossible? LEM    We're gettin close.  Best to go on foot.  SCOTTY    These here horses are my responsibility! LEM    Best you stay and watch'em, then.  FANSHAW    Don't forget the satchel. SOUND    CREAK LEM    Like I'd forget that. SCOTTY    I wouldna gone through your kit or nothin!  I ain't no finger monkey. FANSHAW    [laughs]  I ne'er heard that one before. SOUND    REMOVING SPURS LEM    Ain't that I don't trust you, son, just might need me some things.  If I was you, I'd take them horses up yonder - forge as far into the high rough as you can, but keep where you can see if I come tearin out of there.  You reckon? SCOTTY    How'll you find us? LEM    I'll find you.  Just be ready.  And don't shoot me. SOUND    QUIET FEET ON DIRT 6_JULIET2 FLASHBACK    echoey hallway LISETTE    [running up] Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Carmichael. LISETTE    [trying to start a fight] We've been reconsidering your costume.  Those leggings are positively scandalous. FANSHAW     [bland] Romeo can hardly appear in bloomers.  Would be rather difficult to climb to the balcony. LISETTE    Perhaps plain trousers, then.  [sly] Though I understand you were quite keen on showing off your legs. FANSHAW    [rueful] There is a great deal to be said for the freedom of movement.  [dismissive] But a costume is a costume.  I certainly shan't make a fuss. LISETTE    [annoyed at not being able to get a rise out of F] Very well. 7_FANSHAW SCOUTS SOUND    SLIGHT RUSTLE OF LEAVES LEM    [very quiet] Close enough? FANSHAW    I'll have a look round.  SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [very loud] You hiding from something? LEM    [reaction noise, quickly stifled] GRISHAM    Ooh!  Scairt you, din't I? LEM    [whispered] Made me jump damn near out my skin. GRISHAM    [smug and evil] Well that's good, then.  Looks like I can get my own back on you. LEM    What all do you want? GRISHAM    Apart from you in a pine box?  I'm hankerin to be alive agin, but that ain't gon happen. LEM    Not likely, nope.  How'd you follow us? GRISHAM    What kind of tenderfoot you take me for that I can't follow my own damn horse? LEM    [half realizing something] Damn. SOUND    FANSHAW COMES BACK FANSHAW    Who the devil is this? GRISHAM    Who the devil are you? LEM    What'd ya find out? FANSHAW    A motley crew, but definitely girding themselves for battle.  GRISHAM    What kinda girlie man are ya?  Highfaluting slicker talk! FANSHAW    [sigh, but determined] They're half mounted already, but I could make out that they're waiting til after midnight, to make certain of finding as many people abed as possible. GRISHAM    Put you in a dress, and I bet everyone'd wanna dance! FANSHAW    We need to get moving. GRISHAM    I think you need a shave, girlie man. SOUND    KNIFE FANSHAW    [finally breaking concentration] God damn you all to hell! SOUND    PUNCH, KNEE TO GROIN LEM    [trying not to laugh] GRISHAM    Oooohhhh. FANSHAW    Marquis of Queensbury be damned.  We need to go. GRISHAM    [different kind of ooooh - like he's falling, or being dragged off] SOUND    SUCK NOISE AND GRISHAM VANISHES LEM    What'd you do to him? FANSHAW    I didn't!  I couldn't-- I... haven't the faintest idea?  8_JULIET3 SOUND    TAP ON DOOR LISETTE    Fanshaw? FANSHAW    Come in. LISETTE    I've brought you your hat-- whatever are you doing? FANSHAW    I was considering what I might do with my hair.  To create the right ilusion. LISETTE    That is what the HAT is for. FANSHAW    I prefer not.  It looks like an ottoman on my head.  LISETTE    And Romeo does not wear a moustache. FANSHAW    Whyever not? LISETTE     On the stage, moustaches are only for villains and army colonels! FANSHAW    [considering] I might just cut my hair. LISETTE    That is the final straw!  Miss Peabody said this would happen. FANSHAW    What? LISETTE    That you would take too many liberties.  You are out. FANSHAW    Out? LISETTE    [snidely satisfied] You are no longer a member of this production. 9_DEAD SCOTT SOUND    QUIET BOOTSTEPS LEM    [very quiet] Scotty? FANSHAW    [off a bit] Oh, good god. LEM    Do I need to keep quiet? FANSHAW    I don't see anyone.  Anyone... hostile. SOUND    QUICK, NOISIER FOOTSTEPS SCOTTY    [as if waking up] Oooh! LEM    What is--  [tragic regret] Ohh. SCOTTY    They come in out of nowheres! FANSHAW    I don't doubt it. SCOTTY    And they took the damn horses, Mister Roberts! FANSHAW    I think that just might explain-- SCOTTY    And who in blue blazes is this feller? LEM    [heavy sigh]  Ayup. CLOSING       Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 4 1_DROP EVERYTHING SOUND    UNBUCKLING, BAG DOWN, ETC. LEM    Good thing I had that with me.   Though now I gotta leave it. SOUND    SATCHEL DOWN FANSHAW    Of course. SCOTTY    I'm really sorry about this, sir. LEM    I doubt me you coulda stopped it, son.  And you been punished enough. SCOTTY    What do you mean?  They musta knocked me out, but I don't even feel it. FANSHAW    I'll deal with him. LEM    I'll leave you to it.  SCOTTY    What are you doing? LEM    Gonna haveta hoof it back to town - cain't take naught but my guns.  You gon' be all right? SOUND    RUSTLE OF BUSHES FANSHAW    Well, we won't be able to do much to stop them if they came across your bag, but that looks like a good hiding place.  Especially in the dark. SCOTTY    Can't do anything?  What are you talking about?  FANSHAW    Hush, Scotty.  Let Lem get moving and we'll have a good long talk. SOUND    BOOTS RUN OFF 2_REBEL CAMP SOUND    MANY HORSES, MEN CHATTER, etc. SOUND    GRISHAM STUMBLES IN GRISHAM    Where the hell?   [Thunder?]!  Goddam rustlers!  SOUND    MEN WALK BY LEADER    Two horses, two saddles.  I don't like it. SECOND    Guerrero had the kid down before we realized.  But if there's another scout, he won't be able to get anywhere - at least not soon enough.   LEADER    [thinks, then definite] We must move up the charge. SECOND    We're nearly ready.  3_NO HEAVEN SCOTTY    [trying not to cry] So that's IT?  I mean this is it?  No nothing left?  No heaven? FANSHAW    There are so many things even I don't understand.  I wish I could offer you more in the way of consolation. SCOTTY    But don't no one ever pass along? FANSHAW    Most do.  And I'm even aware of those who spend some time like this, and then pass on, though there's no easy answer for how or why it happens. SCOTTY    And I won't never even get to be with a woman. FANSHAW    [uncomfortable] Oh, dear.  That is a shame. SCOTTY    What's it like? FANSHAW    [dread] What is ... what... like? SCOTTY     Being with a woman? FANSHAW    Ohhh.... 4_RUNNING LEM    [heavy but measured breathing] SOUND    RUNNING FOOTSTEPS - TROT, NOT DASH LEM    [muttered] Dammit.  Leastways there's a good moon. 4A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK SOUND    NIGHT, DOGS, CHICKENS - ALARUMS SOUND    ANGRY MOB, OFF ROBERTS    [yelling, off]  Leastways, there's a good moon!  PIEDMONT    [up close, heavy breathing, trying to be quiet] ROBERTS    [off, yelling]  Spread out!  Don't let that traitor get away!  Where's that rope? PIEDMONT    [gasp, then trying to breathe even quieter] SOUND    VERY SLOW CREAK, SHUTTING DOOR ON THE NOISE. YOUNG LEM    [about 12] Whatchoo doin', mister? PIEDMONT    [terrible gasp, smothers a scream] 6_EXPERIENCE FANSHAW    My experience is not ... vast, but I have had one or two ... romantic encounters. SCOTTY    Well, you're a man of the world, ain't you?  You been all over the place! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  [up]  I've spent most of my life deep in study.  I suppose I've always felt there would be time - later - to settle down to a family and all.  SCOTTY    Me too.  Not the studying, but the ... "later". FANSHAW    [after a moment]  Women are.... soft. SCOTTY    [eager] Yeah? FANSHAW    And round.  In places where men aren't. SCOTTY    But they do got legs, don't they? FANSHAW    [flabbergasted]  What? SCOTTY    You never don't see none of them out of skirts!  Who knows what they got under there? FANSHAW    Well, that I can answer - generally, women are made the same as men.  Arms, legs, heads - well, one head.  You understand. SCOTTY     [avid] And bosoms. FANSHAW    Yes.  Yes, that. 7_VARMINT SOUND    RUNNING, LEM'S HEAVY BREATHING UNDER THIS? PIEDMONT    Shh!  Don't let anyone know I am here. YOUNG LEM    You the varmint they's looking fer? PIEDMONT    There is no call to use such language, boy.  Do you know this area? YOUNG LEM    I should hope I do!  My pa's Mr. Jorgenson's top man. PIEDMONT    [sarcastic] So he's the one leading the search. YOUNG LEM    [pride] Yup. SOUND    OUTSIDE, THE ROW GETS CLOSER ROBERTS    [outside]  Get him, Honeysuckle, there's a good bitch! YOUNG LEM    [pride and fear] That's my pa! PIEDMONT    But you're not going to tell him I am in here? YOUNG LEM    I don't fancy getting whupped.  I ain't sposed to be in the barn at night.  8_YOUNG LOVE FANSHAW    I was in love.  When I was very young. SCOTTY    Was she really purtty? FANSHAW    [sigh] I thought the sun rose and set with my beloved's face.  Have you ever seen hair so fine and blonde that your fingers desperately wanted to touch it? SCOTTY    You talk so flowery, I bet all the girls jest love you! FANSHAW    Our parents objected.  They said we were too young, and I was packed off to school. SCOTTY    What didja do? FANSHAW    I waited.  I nursed my deep love, and remained constant, like patience on a rock. SCOTTY    You waited on a rock? FANSHAW    I waited at school.  I was determined that one day, when we were old enough that no one could object, I would return and we would be joined forever. SCOTTY    What happened? FANSHAW    I made my way to the object of my affection and...discovered... SCOTTY    Yes? FANSHAW    That I was the only one who had bothered to wait. SCOTTY    She'd gone and -- FANSHAW    My "dearest love" had married another.  Had, and I quote "almost forgotten about that summer." SCOTTY    Damn!  Women are right terrible. FANSHAW    Don't fault women, boy.  There are quite as many constant and sweet-natured females as there are fickle and wicked men.  We all deserve a "heaping helping" of the blame. 8_DISCOVERED SOUND    UNDER - LEM WALKING NOW, STILL BREATHING HARD, PACING HIMSELF YOUNG LEM    They're fixing to hang you? PIEDMONT    Yes. YOUNG LEM    Why?  What for? PIEDMONT    We were on opposite sides in a fight. YOUNG LEM    You mean the war?  Hmph.  My pa says why keep slaves when you can hire men for even cheaper and don't have to sell them if'n they don't do the job right. PIEDMONT    [incensed] You think your pa knows so much about everything, don't you? YOUNG LEM    [a bit afraid] Well, he knows where you are. SOUND    DOOR SLAMS OPEN ROBERTS    There he is! MAN    Get him! PIEDMONT    [scream] SOUND    SCUFFLE, KNIFE DRAWN YOUNG LEM    [gasp, cut off by hand] PIEDMONT    I'll kill your boy, just see if I won't! 10_STUCK SCOTTY    You said you know about some folks what was like this for a time and then moved along? FANSHAW    Yes.  We've encountered one or two. SCOTTY    How'd it work? FANSHAW    Work? SCOTTY    I mean, I don't wanna be stuck out here, middle o' nowhere, all by my lonesome, forever! FANSHAW    I don't know that I have an answer for you.  I've only been - like this - for a... a couple of years, myself, and haven't seen a fraction of what Lem has. SCOTTY    Years?  You been dead for years and ain't moved on? FANSHAW    We... help people.  And I get to see the world - [half pleased, half rueful] hmph... in perfect safety.  11_SHOT SOUND    LEM RUNNING AGAIN PIEDMONT    [panicky, but trying to be placating] I am going to have to ask you to take a step back, sir!  My hand could slip a fraction of an inch, and that's all it would take.   YOUNG LEM    [gasp]  Pa? SOUND    GUNSHOT SOUND    TWO BODY DROPS ROBERTS    [cold] You understand we cain't leave that kind of critter running loose, don't you? 12_BUSINESS FANSHAW    Some folks stay because they have unfinished business, and once the business is completed, they are able pass on.  SCOTTY    Business?  I ain't never been in business. FANSHAW    No, no.  For instance, one young man was able to move along once his murderer was uncovered and hung. SCOTTY    Oh.  I spose that could happen. FANSHAW    Or perhaps when the horses have been recovered, since that was your task at the time of your death. SCOTTY    [very down] Oh, right. FANSHAW    [cheering]  Or, when the town has been warned.  That could very well have been at the forefront of your thoughts. SCOTTY    [wailing] Oh no!  FANSHAW    Whatever is the matter? SCOTTY    What if it's ladies? FANSHAW    [careful] What if what is "ladies"? SCOTTY    What if I can't never pass on til I been with a lady? FANSHAW    [cold, practical] That would be most extremely awkward.  Worry about that once we find out if you can get back to town or not. 13_WHUPPING YOUNG LEM    [sniffles a bit] ROBERTS    You crying, boy? YOUNG LEM    [stifling it] No sir. ROBERTS    Good.  Now run and let Mrs. Roberts have a look at that scratch. SOUND    A COUPLE OF STEPS, THEN TURN YOUNG LEM    [blank] You shot him dead. ROBERTS    Yup. YOUNG LEM    In the dark, and on the draw, and din't even hit me. ROBERTS    Yup.  [beat]  You asking something? YOUNG LEM    What if he'd'a kilt me?  Or what if you did? ROBERTS    [long pause]  Life's hard, boy.  You cain't let folks get away with wrongdoing, no matter who they got a grip on. YOUNG LEM    Oh. SOUND    BARN DOOR SWINGS OPEN, COUPLE OF STEPS ROBERTS    Lem?  YOUNG LEM    [almost a gasp] Yessir? ROBERTS    [casual] Don't think I'm not gon' whale you for being in the barn by night, neither. [neeether] YOUNG LEM    [quiet, resentful] Yes, sir. 14_CRICKET SCOTTY    It ain't fair!  I'm being punished and I ain't never even done nothing! FANSHAW    Life is not fair.  Death even less so.  SCOTTY    I-- FANSHAW    [cutting him off] Still, I expect there must be some sort of answer.  SCOTTY    Answer? FANSHAW    Very likely, when they take your body back to town, you will accompany it, and there will find what you need to do to pass on. SCOTTY    What if they don't take it - me back? FANSHAW    Lem will see that they do. SCOTTY    Oh.  And what about you, Mister Fanshaw? FANSHAW    What about me? SCOTTY    Don't you get to pass on too? FANSHAW    Oh.  But you see Scotty, I have no wish to. SCOTTY    No?  Why? FANSHAW    I still have many things to see.  And I feel like I'm doing good here.  There's a story I read some time back, a sort of fable, about a puppet that comes to life. SCOTTY    That's crazy talk. FANSHAW    That's why it's a story.  In the tale, a cricket is asked to stay with him and make sure he does the right things. SCOTTY    All right.  Wait, a cricket, like a bug? FANSHAW    A talking bug, but yes, a bug.  SCOTTY    That's just plumb crazy. FANSHAW    True.  [gasp]  Look at the horizon!  I think they are on the move! SCOTTY    Is there something we can do? FANSHAW    This is one of those times I truly wish there was. CLOSING     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 5 1_COMING SOUND    IN TOWN - HORSES, MEN, READYING FOR BATTLE COMMANDER    [commands]  We need more shot at the western boundary!  Get someone over there! SOLDIER    Yessir! SOUND    FEET RUN OFF SHARPLY SOUND    DISTANT APPROACH OF PAINED, SLOW RUNNING SOLDIER2    Sir!  Someone's coming!  On foot! COMMANDER    On foot?  SENTRY    [off] Halt! LEM    [breathless, with long gasps] I can't... If I stop...  I'm gon fall down...  And I gotta get to...  The commander. SENTRY    Stop, I say! COMMANDER    Let him on through. LEM    They're a-movin.  Deserters 'n comancheros.  Have guns.  COMMANDER    Why are you-- LEM    Kilt Scotty.  Took the horses.  Look sharp. Ungh! SOUND    FALLS DOWN COMMANDER    Are you all right?  [up] Someone get Doc! LEM    I'll be [coughing fit] fine. Jest let me lie till the shakin goes off. 2_SPOOK HORSES SCOTTY    We got to do something! FANSHAW    And just what do you have in mind?  I've already done all I can, scouting them for Lem.  By the time they come close enough for us to get a look at, they will be moving fast enough that we shall hardly have time to observe. SCOTTY    Can't we spook the horses or nothing?  That's what haints do, isn't it? FANSHAW    I was with you the entire trip out from town.  Did the horses seem spooked to you? SCOTTY    [really down] No. FANSHAW    If Lem makes it back in time, there are ways we can help him.  Otherwise, we are merely spectators at this show. 3_TONIC DOC    Can you get yourself around this? LEM    [still hoarse, puffing] Tonic? DOC    [shrug] Mostly brandy.  Medicinal. LEM    [rusty chuckle] Thanks, doc. [drinks] LISETTE     Oh, goodness.  I believe you are Fanshaw's dear friend.  LEM    [coughs] DOC    Din't say it was GOOD brandy. LEM    [hawks, spits, clear throat]  Hits the spot.  LISETTE    [calculating] And not able to walk away.  [cruel chuckle] How perfectly jolly. DOC     The commander's gone off to rally the men, but they're like to need you to guide them.  You up fer it? LEM    Will be... shortly.  Any chance of a mite to eat?  It's been a powerful long night, and not looking to roll up any time soon. 4_DO SOMETHING SCOTTY    He's the only one what can hear us? FANSHAW    We've come across... others.  But they are very rare. SCOTTY    [yelling] I want to DO something!  I want to help! FANSHAW    There is no need to make such a ... a ruckus!  I am in precisely the same predicament! SCOTTY    But I-- GRISHAM    [off]  Will you two shut up?  They're trying to sneak up on your position! FANSHAW    Oh dear.  Come along. SCOTTY    Where? FANSHAW    To do the only productive thing - gather as much information as possible. 5_SADDLED SOUND    MEN READY TO GO SOUND    MOUNT UP LEM    [sigh of relief, but also soreness]  COMMANDER    You doing all right, there, feller? LEM    Better saddle than boots.  I fair run the soles offa these. COMMANDER     Morning comes, we'll stand you a new set.  Least we can do.  Let's go. SOUND    HORSES MOVE OUT LEM    Commander? COMMANDER    Hmm? LEM    Rather than meet them headlong, since ain't no way to know how far they come, might could I suggest a defensive position? COMMANDER    This town is not a good place for that.  Too spread out.  And there's no way to get everyone into the fort, not without leaving near everything they own ripe for the picking. LEM    Nah - I'm a-thinkin just this side of the bridge, right about halfway out.  Bridge and creek - they ain't much, but if we can catch them this side of it, put their backs to water, and use the treeline for cover-- COMMANDER    I like the way you think, hombre.  [up] Company!  [attention!] 6_FIGHT GRISHAM    Ain't no way you're taking me by surprise again, you-- ow! SOUND    PUNCH FANSHAW    [casual] shut up. SCOTTY    That was a good'un! But what if he lands one on you - he's awful big! FANSHAW    Leave him!  [quiet, moving away]  We can't actually be hurt.  But not everyone realizes that, and many feel the pain, even when there is no reason to.  I learned that the hard way. GRISHAM    [off] I'm a-gonna get you! FANSHAW    Blast!  He may not be able to harm me, but he can annoy and distract, and make it difficult to get anything constructive done. SCOTTY    Maybe - maybe I could keep him from bothering you? FANSHAW    How? SCOTTY     Well, I been plumb angry since I got kilt, and my momma says sometimes the best way to get over anger, if you don't got no pie, is to-- GRISHAM    Kill you, you girly man! SCOTTY    [grunt as he punches him] GRISHAM    oof! SCOTTY    Better'n pie!  You go on, Mr. Fanshaw, and do what you gotta. FANSHAW    Good lad. 7_GRANDKIDS LEM    [muttered] Fanshaw?  Damn.  Too far out.  COMMANDER    What's the terrain like beyond the bridge? LEM    Nothing much to speak of.  Some hills.  A ridge off to the north where first we saw them.  No place fer them to make a stand tween here and there, though. COMMANDER    Good.  Cain't let this sort of thing go.  LEM    Course not.  COMMANDER    You got the extra shot you needed, did you? LEM    Ayup.  Had to leave all o' mine cached back with Scotty. COMMANDER    You're sure he's ... dead? LEM    I'm afraid I do know dead when I see it. COMMANDER    [sad] That's too bad. LEM    Kin? COMMANDER    Nephew.  LEM    [trying to ease] He went down fightin. COMMANDER    That don't give my sister grandbabies. LEM    [symp] Nope, it shore don't. 8_PIRATES SOUND    MUCH CREEPING FANSHAW    Looks like about three score.  Hardly a fair fight, sneaking up on a defenseless town at night.  Like pirates. 8A_FLASHBACK MUSIC    FLASHBACK AMB    BRIGHT SUNNY DAY NANNY    Come along in now, bunny bug. YOUNG CLARA    Stop calling me that, nanny!  I'm very nearly 10 years old. NANNY    You'll always be my little bunny bug.  Oh!  Whatever is that tea towel doing on your head?  [gasp of fear]  Did you hurt yourself?  Show nanny! YOUNG CLARA    No!  I am a pirate. NANNY    Do not be so silly.  There are no pirates. YOUNG CLARA    Of course there are.  They are in books, so they must be real. NANNY    Besides, you cannot be a pirate. YOUNG CLARA    Well not just NOW.  When I am bigger, I shall be able to do whatever I want. 9_WASPS COMMANDER    Did you see how big a force they had? LEM    Not to count them, but it was bigger'n I thought.  At least 30, probably more. COMMANDER    [skeptical] Really? LEM    They had a dozen cookin fires goin, and you don't make a fire to feed a lone fellow. COMMANDER    [considers, then agrees] No, you don't.  LEM    'Sides, better to expect a whole hive of wasps than be surprised by one too many. COMMANDER    [chuckles]  Sound thinking.  [up]  Lieutenant! 10_BAG SOUND    STILL MUCH MOVEMENT SOUND    SCOTTY AND GRISHAM, FIGHTING SCOTTY    [pleased] You tired yet, feller?  I ain't even blowed! GRISHAM    [tired] You little whippersnapper!  Think you can pull a man's whiskers and walk away! FANSHAW    [muttered] There are some distinct benefits to being dead.  More than he will ever know.  [gasp] No. RUFFIAN1    Hey!  I found something! SOUND    CREAK OF LEATHER - LEM'S GEAR FANSHAW    [worried] Damn!  Lem's bag! RUFFIAN2    What? SECOND    Silence! RUFFIAN2    [whispered] bring it - we'll split it later! RUFFIAN1    Split it?  Nonsense!  It's mine, whatever it is! SECOND    [whispered] Keep moving! 11_SCOUT AHEAD COMMANDER    [ordering, but hushed] Take your men and circle round up thataway.  Get to high ground and cut off retreat. BOB    Yessir! LEM    If you don't mind, sir, I'us thinkin I might scout on up ahead a mite.  COMMANDER    You aren't even being paid to be part of this, fellow, why do you keep risking yourself? LEM    [shrug] Someone's gotta.  'sides I had to leave my kit behind, and wanna get it if I can before someone else lays hands on it. COMMANDER    Valuables? LEM    Nothin worth money, but some things cain't be replaced. COMMANDER    [teasing a bit] Go on then, but if you see them coming, you'll come back and tell us first, eh? LEM    [chuckle] I reckon. 12_LEAD ROPE SCOTTY    Mister Fanshaw!  That fellow just vanished!  Like he flew away, whilst I was a-hittin on him! FANSHAW    I fear I shall be gone shortly as well. SCOTTY    Why? FANSHAW    I am not sure of his reasons, but I must stay with the bag.  Now that it has been found... SCOTTY    Why?  Keeping an eye on it? FANSHAW    No.  There's something in there - Oh!  It's moving.  Stay with me as long as you can.  SCOTTY    Why can't I--? FANSHAW    Shh!  [very hurried] Picture a rope tied to something, say, to you - your body, over there.  And you are on the other end. SCOTTY    Like a training rope? [ASK PAT] FANSHAW    Basically, yes.  You can go anywhere, within the circle made by that rope. SCOTTY    [figuring it out] So you're ... tied to that bag? FANSHAW    Yes!  [gasp] Bloody thieves! SOUND    FANSHAW SUCKED AWAY 13_BE A BOY YOUNG CLARA    I am going to be a pirate!  I shall sail the seven seas and steal all the gold! NANNY    Stealing is very wicked.  YOUNG CLARA    But you can't be a pirate without stealing!  Then you're just a sailor! NANNY    And young ladies do not become pirates.  Young ladies become mommies. YOUNG CLARA    Or nannies. NANNY    [reassuring] Don't fret yourself, bunny bug.  You shall be a mummy. YOUNG CLARA    I should rather be a nanny.  Mummies are boring.  Nannies have things to do. NANNY    [sigh] Mummies have things to do too. YOUNG CLARA    I don't want to be a mummy, I want to be a pirate!  I want to see the world! NANNY    [stern] There are many thing in this world, Clara Fanshaw, that are only meant for boys. YOUNG CLARA    Then I want to be a boy! END     Auld Lang Syne [DeK4] EPISODE 6 1_READY SOUND    NIGHT, MEN BEING QUIET, HORSES OFF COMMANDER    Yer sure you wanna go on out there, all on your own?? LEM    I'm best on my own, and I don't want another of yer boys on my conscience. COMMANDER    [acknowledging] Scotty. LEM    If I can't see my way to get back and warn you quick enough, I'll shoot off twice-- COMMANDER    [warning] They'll know you're there. LEM    I kin look after myself.  Two shots means it's a-comin, and I spect after that there'ull be plenty more shots to keep y'all busy.  I best get a move on. COMMANDER    One thing. LEM    Yeah? COMMANDER    One of my men swore he'd seen you before. LEM    [down] Oh. COMMANDER    And that you're the Deadeye kid. LEM    I- COMMANDER    [overriding, but clearly lying] I told him not to be so credulous.  Deadeye Kid looks nothing like that man that's about to save our town. LEM    [realizing] Ri-ight. COMMANDER    [serious] Don't make me a liar. LEM    I kin only do my best. SOUND    WALKS AWAY 2_BLACKGUARDS SOUND    COMMOTION, MANY MEN, HORSES, TRAVELING LEADER    [loud whisper] We'll leave the horses near the stream and sneak up. FANSHAW    Blackguards. RUFFIAN2    [whisper] What's in that bag you found anyways? RUFFIAN1    [whisper] Ain't had no time, but it's shore heavy. RUFFIAN2    [whisper]  Heavy is good!  Mebbe it's gold! RUFFIAN1    Well, I still ain't sharing! FANSHAW    Such stimulating conversation.  I wonder how far ahead of these ruffians I can manage to stay.  3_TALLYHO SOUND    STEALTHY MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH, STOPS LEM    Nothin.  [angry hmph] They cain't be too damn far off.  And ridin. FANSHAW    [distant]  Tally-ho!  LEM    [starts to laugh but turns it into a snort] FANSHAW    Halloooooo!  Halloo- [suddenly cut off] LEM    What the devil?  [shrugs, to himself] Well, you can take care of your own damn self. SOUND    RUNNING FEET TAKE OFF 4_STRUGGLE AMB    IN THE ATTACK FORCE GRISHAM     Now I gotcha sorted out! FANSHAW    [muffled noises] SOUND    STRUGGLING GRISHAM    Oh, no you don't!  SOUND    MORE STRUGGLE GRISHAM    I finally figgered out cain't do nothing to hurt me.  Long as I ignore it.  But I can still keep a tight grip on you. FANSHAW    [noise of effort] GRISHAM    [ouch!] Hey!  You bit me!  FANSHAW    Keep ahead of them!!!! GRISHAM    Waitaminute.  [disgusted noise] FANSHAW    [to grisham] Damn you all to--[muffled again] GRISHAM    Stop with all the wiggling, you stupid--  [stunned!] whatthehell? FANSHAW    [noise of effort] SOUND    STRUGGLE, BREAKS FREE GRISHAM    You're a-- ?  FANSHAW    You may be stronger than me, but I am faster. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    what the hell?  A female? 5_SIGNAL COMMANDER    He's been gone a fair piece. SOUND    [DISTANT] TWO GUN SHOTS COMMANDER    [commanding, but quiet]  They're coming! SOUND    [command passes along ranks - GET VOICES] COMMANDER    [a bit superior]  I knew that that fellow was no sort of outlaw.  6_PLAN DOS LEADER    Shots? SECOND    Sir? LEADER    Damn.  Someone has seen.  Get El puerco and his fellows.  Tell them plan dos. SECOND    Plan dos, sir? LEADER    They'll circle south and get behind the town.  We get some children in hand, no one will fight any more. SECOND    Yessir! SOUND    RUNS OFF SCOTTY     [torn] I can't just let them-- [plaintive] but what can I do? 7_BUCKETFULL SOUND    HORSES APPROACHING NOTE - Lem is lying in wait, letting the group go past, and plans to pick them off from behind. FANSHAW    [distant but closer, yelling] Lem!  That dead friend of yours is about - watch out! LEM    [muttered] Damn.  And I don' want to go shootin no good horse jest to lay a varmint like that down. SOUND    HORSES BEGIN TO PASS LEM    [very quietly] 30...?  Nearer fifty.  That's a bucketful of wasps. SOUND    SHOTS!  (where the horses went to) LEM    [muttered to self] hold on.  SOUND    NO MORE HORSES COMING LEM    [muttered] almost... GRISHAM    There you are! LEM    [sharp intake of breath]  That don't work on me twice.  Specially when I been warned. GRISHAM    Oh, that girly friend of your'n?  Funny thing about that-- SOUND    GRISHAM IS YANKED AWAY LEM    Good riddance.  And jest in time. SOUND    BEGINS SHOOTING MaN    [shot, fall] 8_HOLD THE LINES COMMANDER    [roaring now] Hold the lines!  More shot, boy! BOY    Yessir! MAN    [hit, argh!] COMMANDER    Stay low! FANSHAW    All seems rather well here.  GRISHAM    There you are. FANSHAW    Bloody hell. GRISHAM    [nasty chuckle] I was just wondring - if I kin grab you, I bet I kin kiss you, little lady! FANSHAW    [dodging] I doubt you'll catch me again, now that I'm watching for you, but I will admit that one advantage to being a ghost is that I needn't make an effort to remain upwind of you. SOUND    FANSHAW OUT 9_RELOAD SOUND    COMMOTION OFF, NOT RIGHT HERE SOUND    RELOADING SOUND    NEARBY HORSE PFFS LEM    That's nine.  SOUND    SLAPS GUN SHUT SCOTTY    [distant, yelling] Someone!  They're circling round!  There's some fellers as are going south to get behind lines! LEM    Damn.  [listens for a second]  Fanshaw?  Damn.  SCOTTY    [yelling]  Please!  Don't let them hurt nobody in town. LEM    [muttered] boy'll yell himself hoarse.  [chuckles]  dead don't get hoarse.  But I gotta get one.  [clucks to horse] SOUND    HORSE BLOWS LEM    [grunts as he swings into the saddle]  Come on. FANSHAW    [a bit distant] Lem? LEM    Wazzat?  There you are! FANSHAW    Close as I can get just now, and can't stay.  That blighter keeps trying to grab me. LEM    Grisham?  Yeah. FANSHAW    The commander seems to be holding well.  The villains have taken heavy losses and are starting to fall apart. LEM    Good.  Can you yell to Scotty, let him know I got his message? FANSHAW    What message? LEM    Just try and tell the boy.  So he can rest hisself.  [to the horse] Geeyah! SOUND    HORSE TAKES OFF FANSHAW    Scotty?  Can you hear me? 10_YOU STAY COMMANDER    Let's clean this up - leave none of them to try and harm the town. CORPORAL    Yessir! Should we capture them, or-- COMMANDER    This is no time to be peaceable.  They set themselves up to attack a settlement, and we have to take serious measures. SOUND    HORSE APPROACHING LEM    [distant] Commander! COMMANDER    Let him through.  [up, to Lem]  Looks like we've got nearly all of them.  SOUND    GUNSHOTS DISTANT COMMANDER    A bit of tidying up to do, but-- SOUND    HORSE PULLS UP and STOPS LEM    [to horse] Whoah!  I overheard a couple at the back, saying they had a force circlin south - dozen men mebbe - to get round any resistance and come up behind.  COMMANDER    My god! LEM    Horse up a few good men, load em up and come with me. COMMANDER    You, boy! BOY    Yessir? COMMANDER    Bring my horse, quickly! LEM    You're needed here, surely? COMMANDER    You're the one who needs a rest, mister Roberts.  My corporal, here, will be happy to hear any other suggestions you might have, but I will be leading my men. LEM    Sound thinkin.  I have been going a bit. COMMANDER    Corporal? CORPORAL    [acknowledging] Yes sir. FANSHAW    Lem?  I think I got through to Scotty, but there's such a distance.  Poor lad, he merely wants to do his duty. SOUND    LEM DISMOUNTS LEM    Let's you and I see if we cain't root out a few more of these varmints.  I see purty well in the dark. CORPORAL    Excellent!  FANSHAW    I'll see what I can turn up. GRISHAM    Found you! FANSHAW    Oh, damn!  GRISHAM    You ain't never getting away from me, you-- FANSHAW    [hits out] GRISHAM    [ungh!] FANSHAW    Have to get him out of here, Lem.  Too distracting. SOUND    FANSHAW LEAVES GRISHAM    [laughs triumphantly]  Coward!  But I don't suppose I should be surprised. LEM    [quietly, but deadly serious] You don't stop making a fuss, I'm gon' kill your horse. GRISHAM    What? LEM    You sit still and be quiet or that horse yer so attached to is gonna find itself on the wrong end of a bullet.  You hear me? GRISHAM    [all the bluster gone]  Yeah. LEM    Good.  I don't fancy killin no animal just fer this, but this here's a battle-- SOUND    GUNSHOT LEM    [gasp, hit!] Damn! SOUND    QUICKDRAW, GUNS BLAZE GRISHAM    Hah!  I still gotcha! LEM    [weakening, through gritted teeth] Din't no one see them a-sneakin up?  CORPORAL    [commanding] Men! SOUND    MORE GUNSHOTS LEM    [groan] SOUND    BODY DROP AS HE COLLAPSES END   NEXT EPISODE BEGINS SOUND FADES IN AND OUT COMMANDER    Hold on, there, fellow. LEM    [vague] all's well? COMMANDER    We got em. LEM    My pack? COMMANDER    I'll set someone to finding it. FADE OUT DOCTOR    Bite down on this.  He's lost a lot of blood. FADE OUT BOOTMAKER    I'll have a new pair ready before he'll be walking anywhere on them.  You sure I should even bother--? FADEOUT WOMAN    Just a little bit of broth, mister.  You need to get some o'yer strength back. SICKROOM LEM    [annoyed moan] FANSHAW    You're awake. LEM    [quiet]  Anyone--? FANSHAW    Not close enough to hear - as long as you stay quiet. LEM    Good.  I been shot? FANSHAW    At least twice, judging by the bandages.  Once in the chest, once in the leg, I should say.  I should have been watching. LEM    [reassuring] Can't leave you to do everythin.   FANSHAW    [awkward pause, then stiffly]  Should I ...go? LEM    Go?  go where? FANSHAW    [covering] I - I mean, leave you in peace.  To rest.  I don't doubt you will still be needing a great deal of it. LEM    [straining a bit]  Did you see, did it go alla way through? FANSHAW    I don't know, but you were very fortunate - or so the doctor declared. LEM    [satisfied]  Good. FANSHAW    I'll leave you to your rest, then, shall I? LEM    Go or stay, I ain't so wrung out I cain't tell you got somethin on yer mind. FANSHAW    Oh. LEM    Is it that female ghost o'yours yer frettin over? FANSHAW    [bracing breath]  Yes. LEM    [exasperated snort]  Yer worried she said sumpin, izzat it? FANSHAW    Yes. LEM    [playing it up a bit] You furriners and the trifles that plague you. FANSHAW    So she did--? LEM    [shrug]  Yup.  So? FANSHAW    [surprised] So? LEM    You cain't be the first. FANSHAW    First? LEM    Nor the last, like enough. FANSHAW    But it... doesn't... bother you? LEM    Well, you don't do it no more. FANSHAW    I... don't? LEM    'sides, plenty of little fellers wet up the bed right up til they'us in long pants.  FANSHAW    What? END

    19 Nocturne Boulevard - HAUNTING MELODY (parts 4-5 of 5) (Deadeye Kid #4) Reissue of the week

    Play Episode Listen Later Jul 21, 2022 20:58


    In their first serialized adventure {in 5 parts}, Lem and Fanshaw accompany a "studier of the supernatural" to face something they may never have seen before - a ghost ... or at least a ghost that can affect the "real world". Written and Produced by Julie Hoverson Cast List Lemuel Roberts /Deadeye Kid -  J. Spyder Isaacson Clarence Fanshaw -  J. Hoverson Dr. Sullivan - Michael Coleman  {Tales of the Extraordinary} Mr. Cartland - Reynaud LeBoeuf Emma Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth Melody Heath - Melissa Bartell Red - Jack Kincaid (Edict Zero) Hank - Mark Olson Clyde Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker - Paul Green  {Encyclopedia of Weird Westerns} Add'l voices by Gene Thorkildsen Cover Design:  Brett Coulstock [Old photos used to make Fanshaw purchased from www.recycledrelatives.com] Announcer:  Glen "Ole Hoss" Hallstrom Opening theme:  "The Wreck of Old '97" from public domain recording found on archive.org Any incidental music:  Kevin MacLeod (Incompetech.com) Editing and Sound:   Julie Hoverson -------  No gunshots herald his approach. No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. **************************************************************** Haunting Melody Cast: [opening credits/Olivia] LEMuel Roberts - Spyder Clarence FANSHAW - julie Dr. SULLIVAN - Michael coleman Mr. CARTLAND - Mrs. EMMA Cartland - Jacquie Duckworth MELODY Heath - RED - HANK - CLYDE Wishwell - Bob Noble Mr. Baker, the real expert - Paul Greene OPENER OLD HOSS    No gunshots herald his approach.  No trademark left behind him when he leaves.  The Kid had his fill of notoriety in days gone by - as plenty of empty boots can surely testify.   Some say he rides alone.  That's the Deadeye Kid. CLOSER OLD HOSS    The lonely cowboy cliché, always riding out, heading... yonder.  Join us again in two weeks when he rides back over that far horizon.      MUSIC SOUND     BUCKBOARD, HORSES FANSHAW    [straining] I think I can just make out a structure of some sort. LEM    Not much further now. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  I am in your debt for all your help in getting me out here. LEM    Woulda been a mite easier if'n you were were saddled, stead of carted. Some of these ruts-- SULLIVAN     I've never been much of a horseman.  And this is a fairish wagon.  FANSHAW    Garish, rather. LEM    Well, I reckon it was cheap. SULLIVAN    Oh, yes.  They rented it to me at a very reasonable rate. FANSHAW    Ah, rented.  That explains why he has not repainted over the "Piewacket Players" placard on the side. SULLIVAN    I understand a couple of the actors are - um - incarcerated for some while.  Renting me the wagon and horses saved them board and stowage.  Everyone benefits. FANSHAW    Actually, some of these murals are rather good.  If the players are half as talented as their painter, it might be worth seeking out one of their performances. LEM    [dubious] I reckon. FANSHAW    [musing] King Lear.  Julius Caeser.  Romeo and Juliet.  [chuckles]  They seem to perform a lot of the classics.  Shakespeare. LEM    Mmm. FANSHAW    Did you know that in Shakespeare's day - some 250 years ago - it was illegal for women to perform on the stage? LEM    Hush. FANSHAW    Oh, Lem, do let me impart a little culture for once. LEM    [Annoyed grunt] FANSHAW    Particularly while you cannot argue.  As I was saying, back in the day, all the female parts were played by young men. SULLIVAN    Oh, goodness!  Look at that! LEM    [eager] Whatsat? SULLIVAN    That's an awfully steep hill up ahead.  You think the wagon can manage it? LEM    I reckon so, reverend. SULLIVAN    "Doctor", please.  I prefer it as an honorific. LEM    [puzzled] But you're a "man o' god"? SULLIVAN    And a man of science as well.  I firmly believe that the church cannot simply deny science, but must embrace it, and hand in hand we shall move forward into the next century! LEM    [dubious] A'right then. FANSHAW    Fervent, isn't he? SULLIVAN    Sorry.  I find I must defend myself constantly - both against those who find science and religion incompatible, and against those who pooh-pooh my branch of science entirely. LEM    Oh?  SULLIVAN    [defiant]  I have made a comprehensive study of the existence of ghosts. LEM    [choking back a cough]  OH. FANSHAW    Oh, dear. MUSIC MELODY    [off] [wailing, hysterics] SOUND    DOOR OPENS, WAILING UP CARTLAND    Don't that girl ever shut up? EMMA    Bart!  She swears she's being tormented. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS CARTLAND    Hysteria.  You women can't stop yourselves from being women, but the least you can do is keep quiet when a man wants to think. EMMA    What do you want me to do?  Lock her in a madhouse?  She's my own flesh and blood!  CARTLAND    Your sister is pitching a fit 'cause she ain't getting her own way.  Nothing more. EMMA    But what if it is something more? CARTLAND    I got that well in hand. EMMA    What?  How?  CARTLAND    Don't go questioning me, woman.  Where's my grub? MUSIC SULLIVAN    [pugnacious] Do you, or do you not believe in ghosts? FANSHAW    [short bark of a laugh] LEM    [dry]  I reckon I do. SULLIVAN     Many people believe that the supernatural is somehow at cross-purposes with the bible, but it isn't so.  Ever since Solomon, the wisest men in the good book studied the ways of the supernatural, in order to overcome it. LEM    Solomon.  Izzat the king fellow? FANSHAW    Famous for his wise judgment.  And not cutting up the baby. SULLIVAN    Traditionally, many have always believed that the dead may carry on, side by side with the living, unseen but always present. LEM    Ain't this more of a church question? SULLIVAN    What do you mean? LEM    Well, if you believe folks just hunker down once they passed on, then what you think of heaven? SULLIVAN    I don't believe every soul lingers.  Have you ever heard of Purgatory? FANSHAW    Oh, goodness. LEM    Ain't that a town in Nevada territory? SULLIVAN    In the bible, purgatory is a place where people who are not good enough to go to heaven nor evil enough to go directly to hell are judged. FANSHAW    Which bible, precisely? LEM    Guess I never got that far in bible learnin. SULLIVAN    It is the premise for all my theories that purgatory is not a place, but merely a "state"-- LEM    [playing dumb] Wyoming? [1890] FANSHAW    [grim] Ask him which bible. SULLIVAN    [trying not to get exasperated] --and that spirits that need to be redeemed, or to mend their ways, may in fact be "in purgatory" much like someone could be "in a foul temper" - right next to us. FANSHAW    Balderdash!  Utter rubbish! LEM    Looky there!  That should be the ranch now! MUSIC MELODY    [heavy breathing, end of crying jag] SOUND    TAP ON THE DOOR, DOOR OPENS EMMA    Melody?  Are you feeling a little better? MELODY    [sullen]  I been bit. EMMA    Bit?  By what?  A rat? MELODY    Come and look. EMMA    I'll fetch a lantern. MELODY    No! EMMA    Or open the shutters? MELODY    No!!  They don't like the light!  I kin only open them at night. EMMA    [very upset] oh.  What can I do to help? MELODY    [disheartened]  Nothing.  EMMA    Are you hungry?  There's some good stew. MELODY    I can't.  I just can't. EMMA    Here, show me that bite. MUSIC LEM    [quiet] What's gnawing on you? FANSHAW    I do not consider myself a particularly religious fellow, but if there is one thing I have found quite frustrating about the wide open west it is that so many people simply decide that they are experts on this or that subject, and other people believe them, for lack of any alternatives. LEM    Mm? FANSHAW    He claims to know the bible, but then he goes on about this spiritism nonsense.  And purgatory!  I may not be a divinity scholar but a childhood of churchgoing taught me that that is a catholic conceit, and he's got it wrong anyway.  Purgatory was where souls waited out a period of penance, while their friends and family prayed for their release.  LEM    How'd they know if they got out? FANSHAW    I believe the priests would tell them.  It always smacked of extortion to me. LEM    [laughs]  Well.  How's all this gonna make a damn lick of difference just now? FANSHAW    What?  LEM    Whatever it is he believes - it gonna change the price of oats? FANSHAW    [sigh]  No.  LEM    Good.  That's cleared up, then.  Road's widenin up, and we'll be alongside the wagon agin soon.  MUSIC EMMA    We need to send Melody somewhere.  If only you had let her marry-- CARTLAND    She's 16 - too damn young, and don't know her own mind. EMMA    I know, but if she was away-- CARTLAND    Dammit woman.  You are my wife, and I will not be argued with. EMMA    Of course.  [beat]  Something bit her. CARTLAND    Bit?  Like a snake? EMMA    The marks....um... they looked-- CARTLAND    Oh, just spit it out. EMMA    They looked like they were made by a man! MUSIC SOUND    THEY ARE STOPPED. HORSES, HARNESS, DISMOUNT, ETC. SULLIVAN    Thank you ever so much for helping me to find my way.  I'm not much of an outdoorsman.  Or horseman. FANSHAW    Nor much of a cleric, apparently. LEM    Right happy to help.  Why is it you were comin all the way out here in the first place?  [chuckles] Not to put on a play. SULLIVAN    [chuckles] It is rather a curious wagon, isn't it?  But I am afraid my job here is rather confidential. CARTLAND    [yelling from off] Is that the Reverend?  Get on in here!  SULLIVAN    [dithering] Oh, um I-- LEM    I'll look to your horses.  You get along. SULLIVAN    Excellent.  FANSHAW    I don't like him.  LEM    You don' like his views. FANSHAW    They're gibberish! LEM    'Zat anythin like folderol?  [serious]  Why'n't you go on in and see what brand o' folderol he's spinnin to the good folks inside. FANSHAW    [stiff upper lip] I shall try and keep my temper. LEM    [muttered] Tryin never hurt no one. SOUND    A FEW MOMENTS OF UNHARNASSING, THEN SUDDEN TUSSLE, RED GRABS LEM AND SLAMS HIM INTO THE WALL OF THE BARN SOUND    HORSES ANNOYED, SHYING SOUND    GUN COCKS RED    [snarled] The Deadeye Kid. MUSIC SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS CARTLAND    --convince her it ain't nothing but temper! EMMA    But the bite! SULLIVAN    A bite?  EMMA    She looks like she was bit, bad. CARTLAND    There's no way anyone could get in there and bite her. SULLIVAN    It isn't unheard of. FANSHAW    A bite? CARTLAND    [suspicious] Really? EMMA    See! SULLIVAN    Manifestations have demonstrated their ability to affect the material world in any number of ways. FANSHAW    [suspicious] Oh.  Do tell? CARTLAND    There's a simple answer for this.  She bit her own damn self.  She pulls one more shenanigan, and I'm taking a strap to the damn girl. EMMA    Never!  Our father wouldn't-- CARTLAND    He shoulda!  If your sister weren't spoiled, we wouldn't have to have this idjit in. SULLIVAN    Sir!  I am well respected in-- CARTLAND    [furious, overbearing] You are here to prove this ain't nothing but women's hysteria and a mulish girl's temper.  EMMA    But if it is something else? FANSHAW    What do you think it may be, I wonder? CARTLAND    Either she's doing this to herself, or she's plumb loco.  Which way do you prefer?  She's your flesh and blood. SOUND    BEHIND DOOR - CRASH MELODY    [screams] [BREAK]   MUSIC RED    What the hell are you doing here? LEM    Do I... know you? RED    Mebbe not, but I know you.  You're the Deadeye Kid. LEM    [resigned] Who'd I kill, that yer so riled about? RED    What in tarnation is wrong with you? LEM    Aside from being slammed up agin a barn, with iron in my face, nuttin comes to mind. RED    I'us there in Carson City.  Five years ago.  Watched you take down Iron John Sandoval. LEM    [after a pause]  And? RED    Saw how fast y'are.  Hmph.  Used to be. LEM    Mmm? RED    [offended]  You din't even see me comin. LEM    My mind was took up with sumpin else. SOUND    HAMMER EASES BACK RED    You should vamoose.  This ain't no place for them as has lost their edge. LEM    You might wanna back off a piece. RED    Whyzzat?  Can't look me in the face and admit you're getting old? LEM    My gun hand's starting to cramp up sumpin fierce, and I cain't ease down til you pull your cohones off'n the barrel.  RED    You - what?  [looking down, gasps] LEM    Right shame to shave your stumps - seein as we're all compadres now. SOUND    BACKS OFF SOUND    HAMMER DOWN, GUN INTO HOLSTER, SLAP ON THE BACK LEM    You look like a man that might could use a drink.  MUSIC SOUND    HORSES, BARN SOUND    FANSHAW ENTERS FANSHAW    I say, Lem?  Are you alone? LEM    Lessen you wanna chat with the hosses. FANSHAW    What do you really think of this fellow? LEM    From yer tone, I'm guessin you mean the reverend - doctor. FANSHAW    Ye-ess. LEM    I figger he's harmless.  Cain't actually know a lick about all's he's talkin about. FANSHAW    Right.  [beat]  Do you ever wonder? LEM    I wonder alla time.  Any particular wonderin yer wonderin about? FANSHAW    About this.  About spirits.  About good and evil. LEM    Never reckoned on em hitched like'at.  FANSHAW    You don't think of ghosts as being somehow inherent wicked? LEM    You havin a crisis of faith?  I reckon jest like with anyone, only you can know if you're evil. FANSHAW    I - well, I don't mean myself, I suppose.  LEM    [teasing]  So you think you're better than e'rbody else. FANSHAW    No.  I don't know.  LEM    What brought all this on? FANSHAW    From what I observed in the house, there may be an argument here for an evil spirit of some sort. LEM    And? FANSHAW    And?  And what?  LEM    Spirits're just as evil or saintly as the folks they used to be.  Don't make no nevermind to no one but me. FANSHAW    I mean an evil spirit with ... powers. LEM    [sure] Ain't no such thing. FANSHAW    Are you so very certain? MUSIC SOUND    OUTSIDE, WALKING LEM    I ain't never seen no spirit could touch nothin in the real world. FANSHAW    Neither have I, but what if there is? LEM    We do whatever we gots to. SOUND    FEET APPROACH RED    [coming in] Kid! LEM    [sigh]  Just Lem, if'n you please. RED    Oh, drat.  Right.  You done with them horses? LEM    Tucked up tight.  You ast about the job? FANSHAW    Job? RED    Mr. Cartland's right happy to have another hand, even if you don't plan on staying fer long.  With all that's been a-going on-- LEM    What all is it that's been a-goin on? FANSHAW    Evil spirits. LEM    Is it what's been drivin off all your help? RED    Come on, let's getcha some grub.  Hank'll be pleased to have someone new to jaw to. MUSIC SOUND    KITCHEN, EATING SOUND    DOOR OPENS HANK    Red. RED    Hank.  This is Lem.  Come in with the doctor fella. LEM    Hank. HANK    You work for the reverend? RED    He's-- LEM    I work fer jest about anyone as needs me.  Doctor needed a guide. RED    Lem's gonna help out round here fer a while. LEM    Long as the doc's on hand, might as well make myself useful. HANK    Did you tell him what's going on?  What cleared us out? RED    Here, have a plate of stew, Lem.  I'm sure Hank can tell it better'n me. HANK    [uncertain] Oh, I--- RED    He actually saw it. LEM    Saw what? HANK    That girl.  She's possessed! LEM    Possessed of what? HANK    No!  Possessed!  Taken over by an evil spirit! LEM    [considering] I don't figger I put much stock in such things.  Ain't no other explanation? HANK    What else could explain how I - I saw a strange light in her window late at night-- LEM    What were you doin' out? HANK    [thrown off] What?  I was - uh - having a smoke. LEM    She a good-lookin' girl?  Apart from whatever travail she's in? HANK    That ain't the point.  I was off a ways and saw a light.  It din't look natural.  So I went closer to see. LEM    How high's this window? HANK    I don't know!  Chest-high, I s'pose.  But I sawr everything!  [yarning]  Right from the first, I was froze to the spot.  Couldn't look away.  In this strange blueish colored light, there was something flyin back and forth across the room-- LEM    A bird? HANK    No!  A cushion or a hat or something - something that had no damn business flyin! LEM    [mild amazement] Oh! HANK    And then I saw the girl herself crawling about the floor like an animal.  LEM    Mebbe she dropped sumpin. HANK    But it weren't natural!  You can explain away one thing after another, but that light won't never look right. LEM    I meant no disrespect, just know how late at night moonlight can be a bit mazy.  Can make things look wrong way round and bigger than life. HANK    Well, this weren't out in the moonlight - it was in her room. LEM    Right.  HANK    You ain't a-scared? LEM    I'm a bit behind when it comes to afearin things.  Got to see sumpin for myself before I can work up to gooseflesh.  Yerself? HANK    I'm pert near hightailing it out of here, I tell you what.  One more night like that and you'll be seeing the back of me. RED    Ain't likely, Hank old hoss.  You relish the tellin of your tall tales too much to miss a chance fer another one. MUSIC CARTLAND    It's pure mulishness, is what it is.  The girl wanted to marry, and I said no. SULLIVAN    You're surely not her father, though? CARTLAND    Father's passed on.  I ain't blood, but I married her sister and that makes me the lawful man of the house and head of this family.  She gots to understand that. EMMA    I still think-- CARTLAND    Regardless of whether she's old enough to marry, I wan't about to let her run off to the damn Wishwells and take half the ranch with her. EMMA    Our father left us even shares. FANSHAW    Hmm.  And that man married yours. SULLIVAN    Ah.  I should talk to the girl, now. MUSIC HANK    Well.  SOUND    SLAPS THIGHS, GETS UP HANK    That hay won't pitch itself.  Care to lend a hand, feller? LEM    Lem.  I-- RED    I need him yet fer a mite.  I'll send him along when we're through. LEM    That's a mighty fine looking belt buckle you got there, Hank.  Turquoise? HANK    Yup.  LEM    And silver.  [musing] Mighty fine. SOUND    WALKS OUT DOOR LEM    Why d'you stay, Red? RED    Been with Mr. Cartland for nigh on 10 years. Since before he married the missus.  Fact is, that was when we came through Carson City. LEM    You friends? RED    Nah, he ain't one fer making friends of the hands.  But he's fair.  Hard, but fair.   LEM    Now tell me.  [a bit humorous] Apart from having the nerve of a grizzly, why ain't you scairt? RED    I plumb don't feel it.  Whatever's a-going on with the girl, it don't hit me here.  You ken? LEM    I reckon. RED    It's like ... play actors.  They can make you like the story, but they cain't never make it real. LEM    Gotta good solid head on them shoulders, Red.  I purpose to find out what all's transpirin here, and if'n yer strapped fer it, I'd shore thank'ee kindly for any help. RED    [admiring] You ain't lost none of yer sand, have ya? LEM    I reckon the wind's just blowin it in the right direction these days. MUSIC SOUND    DOOR CREAKS OPEN SULLIVAN    Young lady?  MELODY    [very tired and small sounding] Who's there? CARTLAND    It's the feller gonna tell you what a liar you been. EMMA    Husband! CARTLAND    Go on then.  Tell her. EMMA    I'll open them shutters. MELODY    No! EMMA     Just a crack!  It's fair dark in here! SOUND    FEET, SHUTTERS SULLIVAN    Sir!  I must insist on being able to interview the girl in relative peace! CARTLAND    I ain't a-stopping you. SULLIVAN    You must be quiet and leave the girl to answer for herself. EMMA    Please! CARTLAND    [somewhat subdued]  Go on. SULLIVAN    Miss Heath, your lady sister has told me some of your symptoms, but I would like to hear them from you.  What is your chief complaint? MELODY    They never let me sleep! FANSHAW    [far corner] Poor girl does look tired. CARTLAND    Nor us out here!  I ain't had a good night through in weeks. SULLIVAN     [sharp] Shh!  [calm]  They?  Who are "they"? MELODY    You won't believe me any more than anyone else does. CARTLAND    Hmph. SULLIVAN    I believe a great many things.  Pray, humor me. MELODY    They come at night, and pinch me.  Pinch my arms and legs - all over!  And one bit me - See here! CARTLAND    You bit your own damn self! MELODY    [whimpers] SULLIVAN    Sir!  Would you be kind enough to leave?  As long as you insist on berating the poor girl, she will never be calm enough to tell me all her troubles. CARTLAND    Fine.  Come on, woman. SOUND    DOOR ROUGHLY OPENS EMMA    Shouldn't I stay?  For decency's sake? CARTLAND    Man's a holy father, even if he is a soft-headed idjet.  Whatcha think he might do? EMMA    I suppose. MELODY    I'll call if I need help! EMMA    You do that. SOUND    DOOR SHUTS MUSIC SOUND    MOVING THROUGH UNDERBRUSH RED    From his yarn, Hank was right about'chere when he saw the lights. LEM    Hard to reckon what this'ud look like in full dark.  What'us the moon like? RED    Middling, round about. LEM    Hmm.  And that'ud be the window? RED    Yup.  Though way Hank tells it, it was full open when he was looking. LEM    [surprised] Oh! RED    What? LEM    Let's fade back a bit.  Don't want anyone to spy us. RED    Why?  Mm?  [sees] Oh! MUSIC [BREAK]   AMB    OUTDOORS FANSHAW    There you are!  I've just witnessed the most appalling-- RED    Did we really see what I think we jest saw? LEM    I'm afeared so.  RED    That varmint!  Taking advantage of a nice-- LEM    She din't look "put out" to me.  Any fired-up on her part weren't the angry kind, if you catch me. FANSHAW    [sarcastic] Oh.  So you saw it too.  How useful am I? LEM    Mighty useful.  [slightly different] To know that sumpin's up with them.  Looked like they knowed each other afore this. RED    I guess you could safely say that. FANSHAW    I tactfully took my leave. SOUND    HOOFBEATS APPROACH RED    Who in tarnation?  Damn!  LEM    What? RED    [heavy import] That's Clyde Wishwell and his boys! MUSIC SOUND    TAP ON DOOR EMMA    Doctor?  Is everything all right in there? SULLIVAN    [within] Yes!  Quite.  SOUND    FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THEIR SIDE OF DOOR SULLIVAN    [within]  I have all I need for the moment. SOUND    DOOR OPENS SULLIVAN    [cautious] Is your husband ...nearby? EMMA    He had to step out. SULLIVAN    [relieved]  Ah. EMMA    I have the guest room ready for you.  Your drover can bunk with the men. SULLIVAN    My--?  Oh, yes.  That fellow.  My guide.  SOUND    STEPS OUT, CLOSES DOOR EMMA    Is she...  Is she going to be all right, sir? SULLIVAN    I think this will take some time, but yes.  I believe she can be saved. EMMA    Saved?  You talk like she's ailing! SULLIVAN    [serious] She is.  It is an ailment of the soul. MUSIC SOUND    GENERAL DISMOUNTING, ETC. CARTLAND    [barely concealed hostility]  Wishwell. WISHWELL    Mr. Cartland.  I hope you don't mind the intrusion? CARTLAND    What do you want? WISHWELL    We found a fellow lost on our property, claims he'us supposed to be coming here.  We decided to give him an escort. BAKER    [a bit too much swagger]  Yes, yes.  Many thanks.  You may go ahead and leave. WISHWELLS MEN    [annoyed muttering] CARTLAND    Who the devil are you? BAKER    You sent for me.  WISHWELL    He was mighty tight about his business with you, Mr. Cartland.  I'm right curious. BAKER    That is between Mr. Cartland and myself.  Are you waiting around for a reason?  I could-- SOUND    COINS RATTLE WISHWELL    [civility slipping] No need, sir!  I reckon a man does you a good turn, seeing you to your destination, rather than shooting your backside fulla buckshot as a trespasser, he deserves a bit of an explanation! CARTLAND    Yeah.  Explain. BAKER    [exasperated] Very well.  I am the ghost expert you sent away for. MUSIC AMB    OUT BACK LEM    Why'm I all of a sudden smellin a rat? FANSHAW    You mean Sullivan's obvious "familiarity" with young miss Heath? LEM    Biggest rat I seen recently. RED    You think they got somethin "on" between them? LEM    I'm wondrin has anyone actually clapped eyes on the fellow she got her heart pinned to. RED    How'd you hear about that? FANSHAW    Damn! LEM    [calm] I just hear things. RED    Oh.  But it was one of the Wishwells she was a-hankerin after.  FANSHAW    And the Wishwells just rode in.  Perhaps we should go and take a look at the other side of this little chess match. LEM    Lets go get us a look at the Wishwells. RED    Right. FANSHAW    I'll stay in the house - keep an eye on the courting. MUSIC CARTLAND    YOU'RE the expert?  Then who the devil we got inside?  [yelling over his shoulder] Emma! BAKER    [smug] Well, I can't help you there, I'm no clairvoyant - merely a seeker after truth in the field of spiritualism. WISHWELL    [a bit worried] Really?  Hmm. SOUND    DOOR OPENS, EMMA COMES ONTO PORCH EMMA    What is it?  Oh!  Comp'ny! CARTLAND    They ain't compny, they's Wishwells.  Get that city slicker out here.  We got a bit of a branding problem here. BAKER    Are you implying there's someone here claiming to be me? CARTLAND    Someone here's claiming something, but I don't know which of you it might be. SOUND    SWITCH OF PERSPECTIVE, FEET APPROACHING - RED AND LEM BAKER    [off a bit] I have credentials and letters of recommendation. RED    That's Ezekial Wishwell, in the tan hat.  He's a big rancher over t'other side of the valley. LEM    And if one of his marries that Miss, inside- RED    Reckon he'll get his hands on her half of the ranch here. LEM    Hmm. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND's POV WISHWELL    You sent off for a ghost hunter, and you cain't even remember his name? CARTLAND    I contacted him through some damn psychical society in the newspaper out of Carson city.  BAKER    Yes.  Precisely.  The "friends in passing". CARTLAND    And it's bad enough I gotta do such a damn fool thing just so's I can put my wife's mind at rest about her damn fool sister-- SOUND    DOOR OPENS, FEET ON PORCH EMMA    Here he is. SULLIVAN    You needed me for something? [FADING BACK TO LEM] WISHWELL    Whatcha gonna do with two of them? SULLIVAN    Two of who? BAKER    Is that the imposter? EMMA    What? RED    It's the doggonest thing I ever heered of! LEM    It's a wonder, sure enough. FANSHAW    They've vacated the - ahem - bedroom.  RED    You think there's gonna be a fight?  Dunno that them two guys would make much of a scrap - that first one's too prissy and citified, and the other's kind of a runt.  But it might be something to see. LEM    I need a chance to palaver. FANSHAW    This might explain the idiotic views of Sullivan - I mean, if he is the imposter. LEM    [muttered] People can be thick as two thumbs and still ain't liars.  Happens all th'time. SOUND    FADING BACK TO CARTLAND RED    Whazzat? LEM    Trying to logic out which might be the one sposed to be here. FANSHAW    Oh, there's the girl! SOUND    BARE FEET ON WOODEN PORCH [argument that runs under above] SULLIVAN    I am an ordained minister, sir, of the church of the holy seekers after truth! BAKER    That hack cabal?  They wouldn't know a phantom from an apparition.  I have trained with the most respectable societies in the British Isles! SULLIVAN    Hidebound stick-in-the-muds! BAKER    Newfangled snot-nosed infants, tampering with forces outside your ken! SULLIVAN    Infants!  I'll have you know-- SOUND    MELODY'S BARE FEET RUN OUT ONTO THE DIRT MELODY    Stop!  Please!  [scream of terror, some thrashing about] CARTLAND    What the devil? SULLIVAN    Quickly, bring some warm tea, and a cold compress, if you have one. EMMA    Yes!  SOUND    SHE DASHES INTO THE HOUSE BAKER    Stay back!  The girl is under attack. WISHWELL    Looks like some kind of fit. CARTLAND    Fit o' temper.  Get up, girl! SOUND    FEET ENTER LEM    Mr. Cartland, might could I drop a word in your ear? CARTLAND    Who the hell are you?  Oh, right, you come in with the preacher - maybe preacher. LEM    Something you need to know. FANSHAW    Are you planning to tell him about the assignation?  He'll do something terrible to that poor girl - you've seen how beastly he is to her. LEM    I know you're looking after the best interests of your family here. FANSHAW    He threatened to beat her! CARTLAND    I do what I gotta. FANSHAW    Even if she is feigning all of this, surely she doesn't deserve-- LEM    And I can tell you're purt near your wits end. CARTLAND    zat so? LEM    I think you done took more than most men can take, so I don't fault you none for flyin off the handle.  I might could have an answer for all this. CARTLAND    [interested] Really? LEM    Yup.  It was somethin that Sullivan fellow said regarding the bible. CARTLAND    [disbelieving] Really? LEM    Once they get this little dustup sorted, mebbe could I try something?  CARTLAND    What you planning? LEM    I promise you, I don't reckon no one'll get hurt - leastways not bad - but beyond that, can't tell you much or it'll fall flat.  CARTLAND    Is this some of this spiritual hoodoo manure? LEM    Well, let's say I'm gonna connive them into believin it is. CARTLAND    Hmm...  [chuckle]  Go on, then. MUSIC EMMA    She's settled again, but she keeps tossing and a-turning. CARTLAND    [calmer]  If I'm right, and she's just doing this all out of pique, what do you think should be done?  You really think us going on and giving in is gonna make everything all right? EMMA    Me?  I--  but it's too drastic to be-- CARTLAND    I ain't asking if you think she's making it all up, just what you reckon we should oughtta do if she is. EMMA    Oh.  [pacing]  Well.  It's a terrible thing she's doing - if she's doing it.  But it can't be easy on her, either.  All them hurts she's took. CARTLAND    Lotta effort to make you feel sorry for her. EMMA    If she's faking, then wouldn't the reverend know it? CARTLAND    Stick to the question at hand. EMMA    You're much less riled than you been in days - do you know something? CARTLAND    With two doctor types on hand, how can I not see a light at the end of this here tunnel? EMMA    Oh. CARTLAND    [almost gentle]  I'm waiting. EMMA    I agree - we can't, in good conscience, let her get her way through these kinds of shenanigans - always assuming she's-- CARTLAND    Yes, yes.  We're assuming. EMMA    But what can we do for punishment?  Lock her away?  I couldn't bear that. CARTLAND    What'choo think about schooling? EMMA    What? CARTLAND    Send her off to school - back east or somewheres where rich folks send their girls, and take the cost of the schooling out of her half the ranch.  We'll call it bail. EMMA    It would keep her away from the Wishwells.  And it would get her away from-- CARTLAND    Us?  EMMA    [sigh] Yes. MUSIC LEM    I may not have the booklearnin y'all have, but I did have me a granny who did midwifing and could see and talk to all manner of spirits. SULLIVAN    Really?  How ...rustic BAKER    You should never pooh-pooh the lay folk.  Many have toiled in the fields of the supernatural without even realizing they did. Back home in-- SULLIVAN    Of course, it is only a pity that so often they were seen as enemies of the church and persecuted, rather than embraced and put to good works. FANSHAW    Good gad, they're even worse in harmony. LEM    Well, Granny once told me of a sure cure for a plague of spirits. BAKER    Oh yes? FANSHAW    Watch out, he'll write a monograph on your granny.  Did you really have one? LEM    O'course.  It ain't easy, and it ain't exactly safe.  But when the only other path is being ridden round with spirits all your life, it's sometimes a risk you gots to take. SULLIVAN    Dangerous? LEM    O'course.  You got to make the spirits flee outta the afflicted one, and t'only way to do it is to convince them you're about to kill that person. SULLIVAN    [horrified] KILL? BAKER    That makes a strange sort of sense. LEM    Best ways are violent.  You cain't sneak up behind 'em, since half the convincin has to be that the one what's afflicted gots to believe it.  FANSHAW    Mention the flagellants in the bible.  They used whips to cleanse themselves of-- SULLIVAN    But we can't - that-that poor girl! BAKER    I am not certain I could do it myself, but I would be most interested in observing. LEM    Oh, I can do it.  You two should oughta  make sure no one else gets in the way, though. SULLIVAN    But you wouldn't really hurt her? LEM    I s'pose it depends.  Sometimes, the spirits are figurin you wouldn't really hurt no one, and they hang on for the first hurt or two.  Like them fellas that whip themselves bloody right there in the bible. SULLIVAN    [horrified] Oh no!  I can't let you do that to any poor defenseless woman. LEM    Don't think it's your choice to make, old hoss.  BAKER    As long as she is afflicted, it will have to be dealt with. SULLIVAN    Let me try something else, first!  I might have a way to-- LEM    That's right fine.  We'll come along and observe your way. SULLIVAN    No!  It's -- it has to be performed in total secrecy. LEM    Cain't hide from the spirits, though. FANSHAW    I take the hint. BAKER    You should be grateful for the help. SULLIVAN    Leave me alone for a minute!  I have to - to pray! SOUND    WALKS OFF FAST LEM    [almost a chuckle] BAKER    What got into him? FANSHAW    I think he truly cares for the girl. LEM    A mighty old spirit indeed. MUSIC [BREAK]   EMMA    They're gonna hurt her? CARTLAND    They don't think it will come to much.  Just enough to scare the spirits out of her. EMMA    Melody's my sister - I cain't just let them beat her! CARTLAND    [trying to be comforting] Don't sound like there's any other way they're gonna manage this.  [beat] This feller sounds like he knows what he's doing. EMMA    [incredulous] Sounds like he--?  How can you say that? CARTLAND    [curt]  I will stop him before he does anything too... drastic.  EMMA    You got no fine feelings about seeing her hurt.  You would have-- CARTLAND    [getting annoyed] I'da punished her, yeah.  Now get out my way.  I'm done talkin! MUSIC RED    Lem, over here a minute. LEM    [queit] Yeah? [up]  Mister Baker, why don't you see if the lady of the house might be able to find you a spot to sleep tonight?  BAKER    And that charlatan? LEM    Doctor Sullivan?  You let me handle him.  Oh, and - sunset.  That's the time to deal with ghosts. BAKER    Sunset? LEM    So says my gran. BAKER    Right.  I am quite interested to see how this goes. SOUND    BAKER WALKS OFF LEM    Sorry about that. RED    What are you up to? LEM    Takin a tip from the bible.  You with me? RED    Spect so.  WISHWELL    Could I have a word with you, sir? LEM    [sigh] Spect so. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON WOOD [Sullivan sounds very different, western, rather than citified, and is speaking quietly, to avoid being overheard] SULLIVAN    Melody?  Melody? FANSHAW    Hmph.  Praying indeed.  I would say he's rather old for her, but that moustache doesn't do much to hide a cheek that's barely seen a  razor. SULLIVAN    Please, Mel, honey! SOUND    TEENSY CREAK OPEN MELODY    Wallace?  You shouldn't be out there! FANSHAW    Wallace?  SULLIVAN    I had to come!  Everything's falling apart. MELODY    What do you mean? SULLIVAN    They've got some cockamamie scheme, and sounds like they're planning to hurt you.  Maybe bad. MELODY    Emma'd never let them do that! SULLIVAN    There's enough people here got no patience left, I doubt but that she couldn't stop them.  Can't you turn this? MELODY    It's got away from me!  What can I do? SULLIVAN    Maybe just say you're cured? MELODY    And then what?  That leaves me here with folks that hate me and no chance o'nothin'?  No chance of... us?  I'll die first! SULLIVAN    I'll try and come up with something.  But if it comes down to it, stop them before they hurt you.  Please promise you will! MELODY    [grim] I'll do what I gotta do. MUSIC WISHWELL    What you fixing to do, sir? LEM    Come sunset, I'll take drastic measures to free that girl from her torment. WISHWELL    You sound like you might have to kill her. LEM    I'm sure the reverend - uh - doctor sullivan can speak you best on torment and the afterlife.  He's got a nose fer it. WISHWELL    But what exactly are you planning to do? FANSHAW    Don't turn round.  Sullivan is lurking.  LEM    [sigh]  I hate to see anyone in pain.  But sometimes, ain't no choice.  If'n there's a spirit a-punishin that child, it ain't gon be easy to spook it out.  I may have to shoot her. SOUND    [men - including RED, WISHWELL, react]  LEM    [matter of fact] Don't worry none, though.  I once shot a man eight times - a'purpose - and he din't die.  [shrug] Can't use one hand no more, but apart from that he all healed up jest fine. WISHWELL    [horrified] And Cartland's gonna let you go on and do this? LEM    I get the feeling that if his wife would allow, he'd do it hisself - he's that plumb wore out with the girl. WISHWELL    And what if we all decide to stop you? LEM    I don't see as how it's any of your business. SOUND    GUNS OUT WISHWELL    [sterner] And what if we all decide to stop you? SOUND    SHOTGUN COCKS CARTLAND    [off]  I think mebbe it's time fer you to get along home, then, Wishwell. SOUND    GUNS UP WISHWELL    [forces laugh]  We were just looking out for your best interests, Cartland.  Have you heard?  This here fellow is fixing to shoot your sister. CARTLAND    Well, something's gotta be done with the girl.  FANSHAW    Is he serious, or did you have a chance to warn him? LEM    Glad to see you took my counsel serious, Mr. Cartland. FANSHAW    Ah.  CARTLAND    And now Wishwell, you and your boys can take my counsel - Git! WISHWELL    I'll be telling the sheriff about these goings on.  CARTLAND    You do that.  Sunset's about an hour away - you won't get there and back by then.  And I figure this way.  If my wife's sister can be bit by ghosts, maybe she can get shot by them too.  Ain't no one here gonna say otherwise, once all's said and done. MUSIC SOUND    TAPPING ON SHUTTER MELODY    Wallace? FANSHAW    [explaining] That's Sullivan. SOUND    TAPPING LEM    [indistinguishable grunt] MELODY    Wallace? SOUND    SHUTTER CREAKS OPEN MELODY    Are you-- [gasp of fear!] LEM    You want to talk to me, girl.  And you want to stay quiet. MELODY    My sister is jest in the next room. LEM    I know.  And I ain't askin fer nothin improper.  Cartland's got Sullivan sewed up in argument fer the moment, so I got one chance for you. MELODY    Chance?  Fer what? LEM    Wallace.  You in love with the boy, or jest lookin fer a way out from under your folks? MELODY    We're in love.  LEM    You want him more than you want your share of the ranch? MELODY    [teensy hesitation]  Yes. LEM    And would he and his take you without you had that parcel to offer? MELODY    He would.  LEM    And his pa out there?  Mr. Wishwell? MELODY    [gasp] You know? LEM    I know a lotta things.  F'r'instance, tonight's gonna be an interestin night.  MUSIC FANSHAW    So if they're genuinely in love -- LEM    I think they are.  He's plumb torn up about the chance as she might get hurt.  Mebbe she's not so worried, but she seems true. FANSHAW    Then this is just like Shakespeare - Romeo and juliet.  Families opposed to one another, romance between the younger generation. LEM    'Zat give us any aid with sorting out this rats nest? FANSHAW    Well, they both died.  So I guess not. LEM    Hmm.  Plays. FANSHAW    What are you thinking? LEM    Well... I was playing at solomon.  Threatnin the girl to bring out-- FANSHAW    [realizing] The real-- Yes!  I've got it.  Jolly clever. LEM    I'm thinkin mebbe I got the wrong baby. FANSHAW    The wrong what? MUSIC In house CARTLAND    Can't be long now. EMMA    You won't let him really hurt her, will you? CARTLAND    [gentle] Emma.  He promised he wouldn't.  We have to convince her he would, though.  She gots to believe it. EMMA    Why? CARTLAND    If she's faking, she has to cry off.  If she ain't... well... he says the spirits gotta be convinced she's gonna die, so they'll haveta leave. EMMA    Oh.  I see.  Thank you. CARTLAND    [uncomfortable]   Right.  Just find us one of them schools, woudja? MUSIC OUTSIDE LEM    [talking to a crowd] Much as it pains me to have to do this, um, I reckon there ain't no way to solve this problem til we drive out the spirits here. BAKER    Where is the girl? LEM    She's a coming. SOUND    DOOR OPENS LEM    Speak of the devil. SOUND    SEVERAL PEOPLE WALKING OUT ON WOOD MELODY    Please!  What are you going to do? SULLIVAN    I protest!  I don't think this is safe! LEM    [muttered] We got any other company? FANSHAW    The wishwells never went very far.  Just out of sight, then circled back.  They're behind the barn. LEM    Good. FANSHAW    Red appears to be in his allotted position.  Hank is nowhere to be seen. LEM    Hmph.  [up]  Get on over here miss. MELODY    I'm scared! CARTLAND    It gots to be done. EMMA    Be strong, Melody. FANSHAW    No arguments?  Hmm.  I sense a reconciliation in the family. LEM    Harmony ain't no bad thing. FANSHAW    Rather goes with melody, actually. MELODY     What is it you plan to do? LEM    Gon' drive the evil sprits out.  Need you to stand right here, miss.  Don't move a muscle.  You got me? MELODY    Emma!  I don't want to do this! EMMA    Melody, there ain't no choice.  Not no more. SULLIVAN     I agree with the young lady - I feel this is too dangerous. MELODY    Dangerous?  Wh-what's a-going to happen? CARTLAND    [commanding but not being mean] Stand still, and let the man do his work. LEM    All y'all back on the porch now, if'n you please. SOUND    FEET LEM    Now miss, if you'll hold yerself real still. MELODY    I'll do my best. SOUND    GUNSHOT, HITS WOOD MELODY    [screams!]   [break?] EMMA    Be careful! MELODY    What did you do that for?  LEM    I'm shooting the ghosts.  That's why you gotta hold real still. SOUND    GUNSHOT MELODY     [gasp]  You nearly hit me! FANSHAW    The wishwells are getting closer. LEM    Good. SOUND    THREE GUNSHOTS MELODy    [scream of pain!] EMMA    What's that?  You said you wouldn't hurt her!  Is that blood? LEM    That's jest splinters.  Stay back. SOUND    TWO GUNSHOTS MELODY    [scream] SULLIVAN    Nooooooooo! SOUND    RUNNING FEET, SLOW MO SOUND    GUNSHOT SULLIVAN    [argh!  Death rattle] MELODy    [scream, death rattle] FANSHAW    [dry] Two with one shot.  Oh my. EMMA    [screaming] SOUND    RUNNING FEET LEM    Mr. Cartland, hold your wife.  Mr. Baker? BAKER    [flustered] um, um - yes. LEM    You got any doctoring? BAKER    Yes, yes, of course.  I'll check on them. WISHWELL    [coming roaring in]  Nooo! CARTLAND    What the devil you doing here, Wishwell? LEM    Stay back, there.  Let the doctor do his business. WISHWELL    Wallace!  Damn you, you sidewinder!  You are a dead man! SOUND    GUNS DRAW WISHWELL    You ain't steppin in this time, Cartland! CARTLAND    If I just saw what just happened, you kin have him. LEM    [Unconcerned]  Afore you start throwin lead, mebbe you two should take some of the blame on yerselves. CARTLAND    What? WISHWELL    You can go to blazes! LEM    If you two weren't such prickly porcupines on the subject of them kids getting married, none of this woulda ever happened. CARTLAND    That's who she wanted to marry?  And he's a wishwell? WISHWELL    He's my youngest, you son of a buzzard.  Sent him off back east to school, make a better man of him.  And now all that's ashes. CARTLAND    He ain't a reverend, then? FANSHAW    Goodness, they're a bit slow. LEM    Hush, now!  Now you two can be joined in your misery, like you might have been joined by them kids.  Only damn fool you gotta hate now is me. CARTLAND    He ain't said they're dead.  Doctor? BAKER    [calling] I'm doing what I can. WISHWELL    My son?  Is he still with us? LEM    Hold it. SOUND    GUN COCKS WISHWELL    You stay out my way. SOUND    SHOTGUN RACKED RED    I think you better drop that gun Mr. Wishwell. CARTLAND    I'll go and-- RED    No, sir.  You wait too.  With all due respect. LEM    If them kids survive this, you let em marry? CARTLAND    They're too young.  She is, anyway. [don't forget the bit about sullivan not being as old as the moustasche and beard make him look] WISHWELL    You just don't wanna lose half the ranch. CARTLAND    I got plans for that half the ranch.  I got it planned right up til she comes of age. LEM    Mebbe if they can marry, she can leave you in charge til she comes of age.  Let you carry through your plans. EMMA    None of this matters!  Let me go to my sister! RED    Lem? LEM    Give em sumpin to live for, you two.  Make this up.  Tell them they ain't gotta be dead to be together. WISHWELL    You think that would help? LEM    I been near dead once or twice, and havin hope is a mighty fine thing. EMMA    Bart?  Please let her, Bart!  If you don't care to give Melody some hope, give me some! CARTLAND    If Wishwell agrees that I keep control for five more years. WISHWELL    We're gonna have to set this down in writin. EMMA    There ain't no time fer writing now!   [sharp]  You say it!  Both of you! CARTLAND    Fine.  Melody!  If'n you can hear me, you listen.  I'm telling you, you can marry that... boy.  We got it all worked out at this end. WISHWELL    Wallace?  Fight Wallace!  You idjit, jumping in front of a bullet fer a girl!  But you can have her if you want her.  Izzat good? CARTLAND    You all gonna put down yer guns now? LEM    That sounds fine.  What you'all think? MELODY    [perfectly fine] I think it sounds good.  But I gotta have a real fine dress.  Understand? EMMA    [astonished] Melody?  MELODY    I'm all right. SULLIVAN    We're both just fine. WISHWELL    Well... Damn! CARTLAND    All right, somebody better start explaining. RED    Lem?  Lem? MUSIC SOUND    RIDING SLOWLY LEM    Much as I hate walkin the horses by moonlight-- FANSHAW    I do think it's best to get while the getting is good.  Do you think they will keep their promises? LEM    Got witnesses enough between Baker and Red. FANSHAW    Whatever happened to Hank? LEM    That was probly me - I think I suspected his belt buckle too loudly and he took fright. FANSHAW    Paid to tell a tale? LEM    Ayup. FANSHAW    Solomon to Prince Escalus in one step.  I'm impressed. LEM    What are you jabberin on about? FANSHAW    That back there was Romeo and Juliet, was it not? LEM    Mebbe just a little.  [beat] You ever done any of them plays? FANSHAW    Oh, yes.  School.  LEM    You gotta be the one in the dress?  Like you were sayin?  You got a voice that might could pass. FANSHAW    Oh... [dropping voice as low as possible] No.  Actually, I often was the lead.  I even played romeo.  I was rather good at learning lines.  Of course, someone always had to put on the dress.  Boys and girls do not attend school together - not our sort of boys and girls, anyway. LEM    Seems like puttin a hat on a pig. FANSHAW    No.  It's just "theater." END